Snooker Man (2024) Movie Script

Er, right.
I'm from Essex, like London.
I'm Ronnie, from London Town.
London Town?
Ronnie. Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie.
Yeah, I'm Ronnie.
I was more like where the
white was going, you know?
All right.
All right, I'm Ronnie.
Okay, so this is my Ronnie
O'Sullivan impression.
"Hi kids, it's me, Ronnie.
"Which Ronnie?
"There's only one
Ronnie, Ronnie O'Sullivan.
"And today we are gonna pot, the white?
"No, no, we don't pot
no whites around here.
"We only pot colors.
"Let's do this.
"So you're gonna follow
me all around the table
"and we're gonna pot all
the colors of the rainbow.
"Yes. Yes we are.
"'Cause who am I? I'm Rocket Ronnie."
"Let's play some snooker!"
Working for the UK's
lowest-rated lookalike agency.
Johnny "Snooker Man"
Bonnar takes center stage,
navigating the agency's eccentricities
before delving into the world
of competitive miniature snooker.
This is his story.
Then when it comes
to the adults' one, I, er,
well, I would be a bit
more like less, "Hi kids."
And I'd be a bit more like
hanging out, talking to them.
"Oh, let's have a beer, let's kick back."
"Let's talk about the old greats."
I'll sort of say about my time,
you know, my friendship
with Jimmy, Old Jimmy White.
And yeah,
normally we've had a few crazy times,
you know, so,
but nonetheless, right
back onto what else I would.
Johnny, you shut the fuck up.
You're putting me off my shit.
Yeah, I mean, some nights, yeah.
Fucking hell, I mean, I finished work
and I just wanna,
the thing I want to do is just kick back
and it's like, oh yeah,
gotta go down there.
A cold shower.
I got into acting 10 years ago.
Done a drama degree
and yeah, it's like two years, intensive.
And that was going well
and picked up lots of
different bits and pieces,
like some touring theater around Italy.
And yeah, a couple of
theater shows, like a few,
like half a dozen in like
small venues around London.
And it was actually at one
of them that I met Barry.
He, he just came along to one.
And we got talking.
Barry Keane, who runs
the Prestige Lookalikes
and we actually hit it off.
Barry Keane initially refused
to take part in this documentary
as he objects to Prestige
Lookalikes being featured
as the UK's worst lookalike agency.
He sent a lookalike of
himself to take part instead.
I'm the lead actor, director
and writer of the best British
horror films since Hammer
and founder of Prestige Lookalikes.
Barry Keane, obviously.
We, we got talking about films, got very,
we're both very passionate
about, about movies.
And, and then he, he also was telling me
that he has all these ideas
and a few of them
were for, for horror films.
So naturally I thought, great,
you know, let's collaborate.
Let's, let's get some, get some films made.
And yeah, we, we did,
we've made a few films now.
"The Girl With The Two
Masks" was my directional debut.
I like to think of it as my love letter
to the giallo films of Dario Argento.
But better, if I do say so myself.
You nothing to say for yourself?
Stop being a victim and see a therapist!
Okay. Goodnight.
Well, I wake up with glass
taped to my mouth so you know,
if I move my mouth
or do anything, basically it will cut,
I cut my mouth up, nice.
But then also I get attacked.
So it's like a needle in my arm.
And I basically got to, I'm
forced to spray a picture,
like a portrait from my own blood.
I was about to show it to my mum and
she said, "Johnny, you
know, it's Christmas Day."
"Let's, let's maybe do it Boxing Day."
"It's a horror."
I said, "all right then".
And then, yeah, it was awkward.
I was watching it with her and my dad
and they were just
like, what the hell is this?
I think for me, why
me dad does these films,
it's because A, he's a bit of a cheapskate
and blood's pretty cheap, isn't it?
You can use bucket loads
and it looks really good on film
and it's just cheap to
make, but it always sells.
I mean, when I was little,
when I was about four or five,
we'd always watch like
Hammer House of Horrors.
You imagine being a kid in that household
and you sort to go to bed
watching like mutilations, death,
blood and gore,
screaming out in the middle of your night
and your dad's saying,
"Don't worry about that".
"It's about the haunting
you've gotta worry about."
Which, I think,
that's exactly where he
got "Two Masks" from.
He sort of watches all this stuff.
And he sort of rips it off.
"To kill a princess"
stars my lovely daughter Margaret
and my current employee, Johnny,
in a fantasy steam punk world.
Maggie is the princess.
She has to be killed.
Johnny has to kill her.
But they fall in love.
A retro futuristic Shakespearean tragedy,
if you wish.
What is this bollocks?
Watch out for my cameo as
a steam-powered terminator.
Run, or you're dead!
Do you know, in "To Kill A Princess",
I quite like that 'cause I come across
as this real sort of
kick-arse strong woman.
I don't know if it's
like, ultimate feminist.
Who was that?
You may be a little whore.
A little tall whore
that my father happened to sleep with.
My sister would never be assigned a whore!
Essentially my character
is out to, to kill the princess.
It was a terrible shame
you slipped away at such an early hour
at your father's gala.
You have quite an effect on me.
And I was working with Johnny Bonnar
and it's like this little love affair.
And we'd meet up at the palace
and we had some scenes that
was like sort of a masked ball.
It's quite sexy, but yeah.
And then he got killed.
You're about to die.
Do you have any last requests?
Yeah. I'm thirsty.
Oh sure. You're very thirsty.
Maybe you would like that brandy after all.
Come on, come on.
Every film we do, he just ends up dead.
Some really gruesome, horrible death.
You just know he is never
gonna be in the sequel.
It's, it's Christmas day
and I'm actually with Maggie, like,
our characters are together.
He's playing my dad.
And this whole scene
just goes all a bit tits up.
Just a small bit for me. Thanks.
Oh, come on love, have a big bit.
It's Christmas!
It's already awkward.
And yeah, like Maggie's
character saying like,
"Oh, why didn't you
tell your dad about me?"
But I'm, I'm just kind
of, there's a reason why.
We can tell her, John!
Don't look at me like that.
Tell me what?
He's trying to contain it.
He's trying to like, you know, not,
trying to hold it down and,
but he can't.
Let's do a countdown. Ready?
What's happening?
I'm sorry, babe.
Yeah, he turns into his,
into the Chihuahua Man.
Which is like half
chihuahua, half werewolf.
Skip straight to pudding!
Didn't we tell you not to
stop taking your medication?
Listen, stay, stay.
Dad, Dad!
Look, Dad, get the fuck off me!
Seriously, Dad.
And I just don't tell
me mates about this film
because who wants to say,
"My dad did this film
where we got to dry hump"?
You know, I mean, me guy,
what, me, you know, Johnny, like,
you know, it's a bit weird, isn't it?
'Cause I mean...
Get off me!
So she gets all this burnt chicken
that's been all messed up anyway
and sort of entice, like,
throw this chicken
down, this burnt chicken,
and suddenly my dad goes off
and he's, he's eating this burnt chicken.
I don't even know what
these films are about.
I think my dad thinks he's
a bit like sort of Tim Burton
where he's got his,
sort of, his Johnny Depp
and his, you know, his
Helena Bonham Carter,
which is obviously me,
and obviously Johnny's, Johnny Depp.
But honestly it's just 'cause
he's cheap if I'm honest.
He just don't wanna pay anyone.
I mean, poor Johnny
gets paid nothing really,
just does 'em for free on this promise
that he's gonna be this
massive horror actor.
I'm not sure it's gonna happen
'cause he just dies and him done.
He, he's a bit ridiculed, poor guy.
And I mean me,
I don't know how any more
I'm gonna do to be honest.
I mean I'm all for a
bit of fun, you know,
getting a bit creative
and all that, you know,
getting outta my comfort zone.
But like, you know, a couple
of the ideas he's thrown at me,
I've actually had to say no
because they're just too, too bizarre.
I started the Prestige
Lookalikes Agency in 2018,
hiring the very best
lookalikes the UK has to offer.
The name's Bond
Bond, James Bond.
No, I'm, I'm only joking.
My name's actually er,
my name's actually Pete.
Yeah, I'm a, I'm a professional
James Bond impersonator,
er, Daniel Craig impersonator.
Yeah, so I'm here today
putting the final touches
to my, to my one man show
that I've been developing
over the last couple of years.
It's called "10 Hours to Die".
It's 10 hours long.
'Cause you know, we're
in the binge, binge age.
You know, people love binging
and that's what we're, we're
bringing that to the stage
rather than like home TV, you know.
So it's me, on me Todd,
reenacting every scene,
every action, every song from every one
of Daniel Craig's five Bond films.
Yeah, it's never been done
before as far as we know.
And it'll probably probably
never be done again.
It's hard. It's hard.
But once you get into
it and you're channeling
that Daniel Craig energy,
it's like otherworldly
and you feel like he's watching over ya
and guiding you through it.
So yeah, it's not too bad.
I'm fit.
I go to the gym, work
out as well, like he did,
eight days a week, he said.
I'm nine days a week.
Taken good care of your body.
No, to the right, to the
right, to the right, to the right!
You are a funny man, Mr Bond.
Yes, yes, yes!
You know, I've studied him.
I know he's worked so hard on them films
and, like he broke his
leg making one of them.
He's had so many injuries
'cause he did all his own stunts
and I think the least I can do
is push through for 10 hours.
In the context of the time
he put into all them films,
10 hours is nothing.
Yeah, I think it's gonna be all right.
And we've got breaks, you know,
after each film we have an
interval, there's four intervals.
'Cause people are
gonna need 'em to refresh,
go toilet, that kind of thing.
I'll need to go toilet.
Can't go 10 hours without going toilet.
Q, are you there?
What? Are they safe, Q?
Yes, they're safe.
Er, Bond, have you left the island?
There's a slight problem
with the blast doors.
No, no, no, Bond.
The missiles have already launched.
Just get out of there.
Well, that's not gonna work.
Oh God, oh God.
It's all, all right.
Can you put Madeline on please?
We just need more time.
We have all the time in the world.
I love you.
I love you too.
She does have your eyes.
I know.
You just gotta look at the other Bonds,
people who played Bonds before,
and they're still very
present in our minds.
And I think Daniel Craig is,
is gonna be present in our minds
for years and decades to come.
So I think, and he's
still working, you know,
and I think the more work
he does, the more films,
more doors will open for
me as an impersonator.
Do you know, my poor dad,
I remember once he'd been
on this date with this woman
and she dumped him
'cause she said he looked like Toby Jones.
He took it really to heart.
And then he kind of went,
"Screw her, I'm actually
gonna make money off this.
"I'm gonna actually start
my own lookalike agency,"
"be Toby Jones and then
see what she thinks then."
There's more money in it to than acting.
No matter how many roles
were being offered to me.
Oh, Barry, Barry, Barry, Barry.
Don't, don't talk to me about Barry, huh.
Yeah, I worked for Barry
for about 18 months,
during which time he got me no work.
He seemed a lot more interested
in pimping himself out as a,
as a Toby Jones impersonator.
But there ain't much of a
market for Toby Jones lookalikes
when you can have Daniel Craig.
So yeah, I,
I ended up getting my own work in the end.
So it's been all right, to be honest.
But no thanks to Barry.
I've had different people come and go,
but we've optimized it to just
me and Johnny at the moment.
How's that?
Yeah, over the years I've had a,
I've had a few people say to me,
"You know what, have you seen "Evil Dead"?"
I'm like, yeah, I know
you're gonna say, yeah,
I look like Bruce Campbell.
I've got a kind of Bruce
Campbell look to me
and I kind of like that, you know,
if anyone, Bruce Campbell.
Yeah, he's, I mean, "Evil
Dead" character, Ash.
So it's wicked great,
really cool character.
So yeah, we go to game conventions
and comic conventions
and movie conventions.
There's lots going on, you know, in London
and yeah, yeah, there
was a bit of noise with that.
That was quite fun actually.
Okay, so looking like
Ronnie O'Sullivan, personally,
I definitely don't think
I'm the spitting image
by any means.
And you know, his physique's
not the same really, you know,
nonetheless, there is definitely,
I can see a bit of me
in him and vice versa.
You can visit the Prestige
website to hire Johnny
for parties, corporate events, hen dos
and grand openings, anything you want.
He's the UK's 17th rated
Ronnie O'Sullivan lookalike.
But we've had to refer
to him as Snooker Man
for legal reasons.
They sent a letter.
He's only the 17th best.
But to my knowledge, I'm the number one
Toby Jones lookalike in the world.
And fucking only!
I can't do this anymore.
This is utter bollocks.
He's my landlord, I owe him rent.
That's the only reason why I'm doing this.
I work for him for a
week and I regretted that.
Look, what do you wanna know about him?
I'll tell you anything.
Things do come in for Ronnie,
and I'm out there doing the work.
I'm doing some random, oh,
some of the things, it's unbelievable.
Some of the things that
I end up having to do.
And he, he rakes in the payday.
Like I get a, I get a cut,
but really for what I'm
doing, I should get a lot more.
I'm a professional at, at what I do.
And he just, he just
didn't get me any work.
He promised me the earth
and he just didn't deliver.
There's, there's like pub
nights, that's quite a big one.
Yeah, they, they
normally love to have, like,
even if it's a darts competition,
they, they like to have
a sort of welcome on,
"Hey, and here's Ronnie
O Sullivan, you know,"
"to do some, some trick shots."
And people do double
take sometimes for that.
So yeah, I was booked out by
this, this, this woman who was,
it was a hen party, I
thought, oh, interesting.
And so I rock up to do some trick shots.
I got my cue and everything,
and I go to rack up the table
and they're already kind of half gone.
They're all like, really merry.
And they're like, "Well, come on then!"
"You know, you still got your bow tie on!"
And I just, oh, I thought, well, yeah,
gonna do some shots.
And they're like, you know,
and then one of them actually
the, she actually threw a johnny at me,
like it landed in my face
like a, a condom in its packet.
Barry knew about this.
Barry knew that that was,
that was, one, a hen party.
And, and, and also that they,
they wanted me to strip,
but I didn't know that.
Yeah, yeah. He, he, he didn't tell me.
And he's done a few things like that.
But that was the worst.
And I was, no, I was not happy at all.
No, I, I stormed outta that place.
I, I said, well, I've gotta go.
I'm, there's no way I'm, you know,
fuming, fuming.
And I, I just gave him a text
and said, "Oh, where,
where, where are you at, Baz"?
And he said, "Oh, I'm in the pub".
I went into the pub and as
soon as I saw him, I didn't care.
I didn't care.
I, I just picked up the pint
and I threw it in his face.
I wanna be an actor.
I'm doing this for a bit of money,
you know,
we are supposed to have a partnership here
and, you know, that's just taken it
way, way too far, you know?
I can't do this forever, put it that way.
And, you know, I've got a reputation.
So, you know, when I hear about the agency
being like, regarded as the
worst in the country, you know,
that kind of, that still backfires on me.
And it's the lowest rated.
If you look it up, it's right down there.
So it's just, it's just
a bit poor, isn't there?
I have, I've had
auditions where people say,
"Oh, aren't you that Ronnie lookalike"
"for that really bad agency?"
And it is like, well, "Okay,
yeah, yeah, I am, yeah".
And then most of the, well,
they don't wanna see me again, really.
Which is a shame.
Johnny's a nice lad.
I wouldn't pay to see him as
a Ronnie O'Sullivan lookalike.
That would be a bit of a stretch.
He has eyes for Barry's daughter, Maggie.
Barry wouldn't like that.
I know this is a, a documentary and all.
I dunno how much I can share,
but yeah, I've got, I've got
some feelings for her for sure.
You know?
Yeah, it just is a
bit, bit of a tricky one.
'Cause you know, being Baz,
Barry's daughter, you know,
he does have a bit of a
thing about that as well, so...
Me and Johnny,
we have these really nice scenes together
and then suddenly it's
like my dad got all like,
pissy-arsed about it.
Actually, there's been a couple of times
when we wanted to,
like we say to Barry, like,
"Okay, can we, should we do a kiss?"
"Should we snog?"
Suddenly writes in him totally different
that I'm suddenly murdering him.
It's like, it's almost like
a subliminal message.
Like, "this is gonna happen to you, Johnny",
"touch my daughter" and all that.
I don't even like him.
Not that much anyway.
I think it's 'cause he likes me.
Yeah, Maggie's, she's a catch.
She's really like, yeah, she's, she's,
she's, yeah, stunning.
Yeah, she's really stunning.
So, yeah.
In any other universe,
they'd be made for each other.
Anyway, can I do the thing?
As I mentioned before,
I used to work for Barry.
Normally I would not have a beard,
but today I've got one.
Look, Baldy and Slaphead!
What the chances of that
happening, eh, eh, eh, eh?
Complimentary cookie?
Get off, get off!
Oh, my old dad, well, daddy, he died again.
What are the chances of that happening?
Sweeter than a hazelnut, the, um
complimentary cookie?
Complimentary cookie?
Get off, get off!
Goal! And bowl.
What are the chances of that happening?
You get the idea of that, anyway.
Okay, so I've, I've
actually got a gig coming up.
It's quite soon, it's next week, actually.
Next weekend.
And yeah, a big name in the
world of miniature snooker,
guy called Wolfgang.
And he's gonna be playing,
it's miniature snooker
and there's championships
and people take it quite,
you know, seriously.
They really do love it.
And yeah, just with the halftime
I'm gonna be keeping the crowd entertained
with, with my routine.
So yeah, we'll see how that goes.
Hello, I'm not Peter Ebdon
and I'm here in a bubble bath
to explain the rules of snooker to you.
Snooker is a cool cue sport
played on a rectangular table with pockets.
The goal is to score points
by potting balls in a specific order.
At the beginning there are 15 red balls
set up in a triangle shape,
and then the individually colored balls
have their spots on the table.
Now players take turns using the cue stick
to hit the white cue ball,
trying to pot one of the red balls first
followed by a colored one.
Each ball they pot earns them some points.
Red balls are worth just one point each,
but the colored ones are a bit fancier.
Yellow is two points,
green is three, brown is four,
blue is five, pink is six,
and the black one is worth
the most at seven points.
The player pots a red, then a color,
then another red and
another color and so forth.
The colored balls that get potted
are placed back on the table
until all the red ones are gone.
The really cool part is that as long
as they keep potting balls legally,
players can keep their turn going,
creating what's called a break.
But beware.
There are foul rules and
if someone messes up,
the other player can earn penalty points.
The game ends when all the balls are potted
and the player with the most
points is declared the winner.
Remember, there's more to
snooker than just this basic stuff
like clever strategies, safety play,
and other tricks that make it a real blast
to play and watch.
Snooker is traditionally
played on a 12 foot
by six foot table,
but the world championships
of miniature snooker
are conducted on a table
just 36 inches in length.
Of mixed European heritage.
Wolfgang grew up in East Berlin as the son
of a highly ranking Stasi official.
Secret documents revealed
he was snuck into the houses of dissidents
to subtly rearrange furniture.
So the victims thought
they were going crazy.
Be it an open window, a cat
flap, or any nook and cranny,
he would squeeze his way in.
After the fall of the Berlin Wall,
Wolfgang found a new outlet
for his love of cramped spaces,
the world of miniature snooker.
We are taking a halftime break
during this qualification match
between Wolfgang and Prince Pretty.
Don't go anywhere.
Here comes the halftime entertainment.
Good evening everyone.
I'm your Ronnie Sullivan lookalike.
Any ball, any pocket?
Go for blue in the middle.
Blue in the middle.
I like to do a sort of line.
For now, I'll just put these in my pockets.
Okay, here we go.
I really hope you're having a good time.
Wolfgang, you'll be back
here in a couple of minutes.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
this is my final trick shot for tonight.
Now, I don't if you've
seen me do this before,
but this is my favorite.
I made this a couple of years ago.
Very proud of this shot.
This one's called Hell's Cross.
No clapping, but that's all right.
Thank you very much.
So I hope you enjoyed that.
I really hope to see you all again.
Way to go Johnny.
What is he doing here
with the documentary crew?
They should be filming me.
I am the greatest player.
I will win the bloody whole tournament.
Who's the pretty lady friend over there?
Do you wanna go with
a real champion tonight?
Hey, get your hands off her!
Creepy bastard.
Get your hands off her.
Okay, okay, okay.
Johnny, it's not worth it.
Sorry, ladies or gentlemen, sorry.
Sorry, hello, hello.
There's your cue.
Well done, son, all right?
Come on dear, get you out of here.
- See you later.
- All right.
Sorry about this, guys.
Be having words with you.
See you, guys.
Oh, you'll be seeing me, all right.
It's a good job I was there.
No, it's just not good.
No, I don't like the fact
that they were kind of, you know, leaning.
I don't like leaning,
you know, leaning in like that.
No, they're getting a bit too close,
er, close, for my liking.
A bit too bloody close.
Gonna be having words with her
and I'm gonna be having words with him.
Yeah. And when I mean words, I mean words,
proper 1970s Northern words,
you know what I mean?
He does it again.
An easy qualification for Wolfgang.
We'll be seeing him
defend his title at the finals
of the World Championships
of Miniature Snooker.
Snooker Man, you're a disgrace.
Everything you do is a disgrace.
It's a disgrace they're doing a documentary
about your shitty lookalike business.
I am the one they should be focusing on.
They should be following my story
on the way to winning the
world title of miniature snooker.
If you're not such a pussy,
I dare you to enter a
qualification match to the finals.
Let me know
and I can fix it for you.
If you dare, I hope to
embarrass you in front
of your little princess.
If we ever face each other
because you're a pussy, disgrace,
peace out and piss off.
Can we go around the table
and can you tell me whom
you are all having affairs with?
Dobby is free!
Free Dobby!
Master gave Dobby a sock!
You see, I reckon that.
I'm a better Toby Jones than Toby Jones.
You know, I mean, just look at the quality
of this work already.
Hello, Toby.
See, I can just drop into it like that.
I've never been hired out
as a Toby Jones lookalike,
but then I've not put myself out there.
Well then I named my daughter Maggie
'cause of Maggie Thatcher, the Iron Lady.
Yeah, inspiration.
No one's ever happy
with the boss they've got.
All my past employees
saying I'm the worst boss?
At least they had a boss!
If it weren't for me, they'd
be on t'dole, wouldn't they?
Ratings? "The lowest
rated lookalike agency"?
Who's rating it?
That's what I say.
Who's rating it?
It's just a matter of opinion, that's all.
Right, one thing that's important
when you're
a boss of a high-powered lookalike place,
is you have to keep in shape.
I do like
to keep myself toned, you know?
Keep myself toned.
So, each morning,
a little bit of exercise.
Quick workout.
You see, the snooker guys
don't have to go to all this,
all this trouble.
Now the thing is,
Johnny's going into the
proper tournament now,
so I'm gonna get him into some training.
He's gotta get disciplined.
You know, the way I am.
I'm gonna be encouraging all that.
So, gotta get myself in shape as well.
Now, Johnny,
as usual,
has been complaining
about not being able to fit his snooker cue
into his flat.
Now what I say is,
instead of complaining about it,
do something about it.
You know, work with the problem.
Don't just come complaining to me.
Can't deal with all your problems.
Adapt to the situation.
Just stop bloody morning.
Yeah, I'm gonna be right there beside him
every step of the way.
Yeah, he's got problems
and I'm gonna sort 'em out with him.
He's to work on his gear
and because of this gig that I've got him,
there's gonna be a lot
more work coming his way
and I'm gonna be right there making sure
then he gets that work.
And what we could end up
doing is going right to t'top.
Right to t'top at lookalike business.
All down to me.
How's it going, all right?
Not so bad, lad.
How are you doing yourself?
I'm beginning a lot better.
I can see that, actually.
Yeah, you've got the little
web cam on the go there,
haven't you?
Pretty good, eh?
So yeah, you know,
it's not really,
not really ideal, you know, like this is,
this has been good enough up until now,
but I really do need some
more space, you know?
Well, could be,
have you seen where I'm living?
You're in a bigger place than I am.
You know, you just make,
do, make, do you know?
Angle your...
Tell you what,
tell you what, you know.
It is like, like me old man used to do
at cycle proficiency, right?
Right, listen up.
Used to put the cones tighter together
that you had to cycle round.
So when you took your test
and they were wider apart,
it was a doddle!
Same wi' your flat.
When you've got all the
room in t'world in t'tournament,
you're gonna be brilliant!
So actually, it's good for your training
to be where you are, eh?
The only thing is, it's just so limited.
The space, as you can see, it's just,
I can maneuver around so much, you know?
Okay, I can, I can
look, I can look into it.
I can, I can look for you,
you know.
- Easy.
- Let me have a think.
I'll catch you later, all right?
Remember, please just get that,
get that flat for me.
So yeah, I'm having my first ever
proper game in a basement.
Erm, don't really know what to say.
It's just a bit of a...
Yeah, it is cold and it's dingy
and I'm sure it is a tactic
choosing this location.
He, it sounds like he knows
exactly what this spot is
and I'm sure, you know, he
knows exactly what he's doing.
Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen
to this qualification match for the finals
of the Miniature Snooker
World Championships.
Best of five.
Let's go, Nadra to break.
He's set up nicely for the pink.
Nadra takes the lead.
Snooker Man to break.
Red goes down.
He makes it look so easy.
Nadra doesn't like that.
Nice rollback off the blue.
Snooker Man pulls it back.
One all.
Pots it.
Black attack!
Snooker Man takes advantage
and can see blood in the water.
Just this black to win.
He does! He does it!
Snooker Man has signed
himself off to the finals.
Over the moon.
Over the moon, really.
This is a perfect start, perfect start.
Sure, yeah, he could
go all the way, I bet.
He's a real talent.
We'll, yeah, yeah.
Good luck. Yeah.
We caught up with Snooker Man
three months before the finals.
Unfortunately he's received some bad news.
This is what happened.
I'm not gonna lie. Gutted.
Yeah, I, I feel, I feel gutted and,
and I was really getting into it, and,
yeah, really excited and,
yeah, you know,
it all seemed to be going well.
And then, yeah, they had
to bring this thing back up.
As the leading representative
and the number one ranked
miniature snooker player
in the world,
I regret you to inform you all today
of a bigoted in dig ration
from one of my fellow players.
It's just a tweet.
It was just a silly tweet,
but you know, it's Twitter for you.
And I mean, bloody hell,
it's 12 years ago, 2009.
On the 5th of June, 2009,
Johnny Bonnar, also known as Snooker Man,
tweeted the following, and I quote,
"Dolphins are just gay sharks".
Yeah. I just, I've always
had this thing about dolphins
looking like gay sharks.
That's all.
I apologize for the homophobic rant
from my fellow professional.
These acts will not go unpunished.
The Federation of Miniature Snooker
have therefore annulled the qualification
of Snooker Man in the championships
and will be replaced in the competition
for my good friend, the Ambassador.
That is all.
Why has he gotta dig that up?
Dig up this bloody tweet from years ago?
You know, this, this guy.
Seriously. Like, what a prick.
You know, you think you're
all, that you're not, you're not,
you're just a prick
giving it large.
I just feel like, you know,
this world can be so,
so hard sometimes
and you just want to
do something, you know,
just wanna do something.
And then you get some, some,
someone like Wolfgang come
around the corner and you know,
or someone, there's always someone
or something that gets in the way, right?
And I was, you know, I was enjoying this
and I was working hard at it
and I was, I like to think I was, yeah,
I like to put on a good show.
Should we stop?
I dunno. Yeah, maybe.
As your future world champion,
I am getting sick and tired
of the internet suggestion
that I got Snooker Man suspended
because I am scared to face him
in a game of miniature snooker.
This is complete bullshit!
I have no time for this shit, man.
This is all I have to say on the matter.
Snooker man is a jackass
and deserves everything
that has happened to him.
He's nothing but a stupid fool
and a depressing waste of time.
So welcome to my new, my new abode.
And yes, it's about time.
I had an upgrade from Barry, really.
So Barry owns this place.
He's the land, he's
essentially my landlord.
So he is now,
yeah, he's my boss and he's my landlord.
So the, the pressure's on a bit.
Yeah, there was, there
was this one particular photo,
I dunno if you've seen it,
but yeah, it's, it's a Photoshop image.
They kind of copy pasted my face
and they put it into a, a scene where,
a picture where you've got this,
you've got this, got like the sea
and, and then you got this, this dolphin.
And then, and then you got me
and the dolphin's actually raping me.
The dolphin's really,
really giving it to me, man.
Treasure Island was good.
It was good to be part
of Long John Silver's entourage.
They be a noisy bunch of lubbers
and swabs though, Captain!
My name is Blood Boiler!
"Oh yeah?"
"And why do they call you that?"
Because when I gets angry, I'll go bonkers!
And when I gets bonkers,
well, my blood boils!
And then when my blood boils, well, I,
I get a little bit overheated and,
and say things that I, I later regret.
I could do with the money right now.
And yeah, like I had
three callbacks for that.
It's for the Quavers.
There's a new Quavers
advert and a bit of a wacky one.
Yeah, it's like the character.
I, I was gonna be the main character,
the Quaver connoisseur.
And, and they just said to me, well,
that you, you know, step into the camera.
And they dressed me up
as a giant block of cheese.
And I just had to say the one line,
"I'm the quaver connoisseur".
It went a bit more like,
"I am the Quaver connoisseur".
But they, they went with someone else.
Yeah, they just went with
someone who apparently just had a,
a bit more of a French look.
Yeah, I did say like, well,
"You know, is there anything I could do"
"to make myself look more French?"
But I did sort of send 'em a photo
with a sort of curly mustache.
Maybe they just didn't get it.
Yeah, maybe they just,
you know, they're busy, aren't they?
Love the character Rodney Trotter.
Classic, one of my favorites.
It's, it's just the national gem isn't it?
"Only Fools".
And so I saw this ad
and I thought brilliant,
because again, a couple
of people told me that,
that I looked a kind of like,
I remind them of Rodney.
So, not just that,
I think I have got that
kind of quirkiness, I guess.
So yeah, I was, I was, I emailed them over
and said, hey yeah, I was so excited.
And I was right.
I was there, I was
there like, the next day.
And then for audition,
there was a lot of people,
and I could not believe it.
I could not believe it when
they actually called me back
and they said,
"Okay, we actually gotta
workshop a couple of things"
and we did.
I'm gonna kill you!
You set her up to going out with me!
You paid her?
Trig, why do you call me Dave?
My name's not Dave.
My name's Rodney.
It is definitely Rodney!
And the reason they call me Rodney
is 'cause Rodney is my name!
We'd done the scenes
and they were going well.
And then, yeah, for some reason, like,
yeah, they gave me a call
like a week ago just to say,
"I'm sorry Johnny, but we can't use you."
I said, "Really? Wow, okay."
And they said, yeah, there
was the other guy, he's just,
he's just that bit taller than you.
And I just, I said, "Well, how
about I wear platform shoes?"
They said, "No."
Just gutted. Gutted.
The 147 break is a
perfect score in snooker,
achieved within a
single visit to the table.
There's a thriving speed running community
within miniature snooker,
with people recording themselves on camera,
performing their fastest 147 break
and submitting these runs
to an online leader board.
The Ambassador has not only
used his influence as sponsor
to appropriate himself
Snooker Man's former spot
in the tournament finals,
but he's also lobbied the organizers
to reserve a wild card place
for whoever holds the
current 147 break record
as his opponent in the quarterfinals
under the pretense it'll make
the competition more exciting.
By anticipating this inevitable loophole,
the Ambassador has taken
the 147 break record for himself.
So will bypass straight to
the semifinals as things stand.
With his ban from miniature snooker ending,
this loophole also gives
Snooker Man his only chance
to get back in.
Whoever records themselves
performing the fastest 147 break
before midnight of the competition
gets an automatic placement.
The game is on.
Yeah. Got, I got my
table back up and running
and I'm putting in, I'm
putting in some hours.
I'm, I'm shooting some good shots.
I'm quite excited about this.
So, basically I started this whole idea.
It's very simple, you know.
I was quick. I'm clever.
The Ambassador coin, it's simple.
Once I take your money,
yeah, I can show you things.
I'll give you a lot more back.
Some of my clients are incredible, yeah?
You should see 'em all over the place.
They're everywhere.
I mean, you won't be able to find them,
but they are everywhere.
It's like a game of snooker, yeah?
You sit there, you plan your moves.
It's on a miniature table.
The world is literally like a bank, right?
So all I thought was,
take the same elements,
bash 'em all together.
And that's why I'm here.
That's why I sponsored
this thing in the first place.
And so that's, that's pretty
much what we have to do.
We gotta beat his record.
The guy's a fool.
The Snooker Man.
What a stupid name anyway.
It's so obvious, isn't it?
Snooker Man?
What we playing? Snooker?
We plan business.
That's all I'm saying.
Okay, Mr. Ambassador.
So what I'm gonna do
is I'm going to, I'm gonna,
I'm gonna smash, smash
the title away from you.
Like you, you, you're not gonna know
what's gonna hit you, yeah?
It's gonna be like,
a bit humiliating.
Without me literally
pulling your trousers down,
that's pretty much what's gonna happen.
If I get that 147 break,
right, I'll get two spots.
I won't have to play anyone after this.
I'll be straight to the semifinals.
So all you're saying is
you are not gonna get me.
I'm untouchable.
The first ever record of the 147 break
was set by Colin in 2017,
which was smashed by
Twitch streamer Queenie
two years later,
breaking the sub-five minute barrier.
With less than a month
before midnight of the finals,
Ambassador set a time of 4:42.
New to the speed running scene,
Snooker Man stole the
record the following week.
Wolfgang, you are going down Prick Face.
You and the Ambassador.
Setting up a back and forward rivalry
between the two.
With only hours to go before the deadline,
Snooker Man got this run.
This has all been worth it.
So please, please join me for the finals.
This will be televised
and I'm gonna win it.
I'll see you then.
Hello, my fans.
Ah, so, what you don't realize now is,
I've had the record for a while, okay?
Okay, I've been sitting on this.
With minutes to go before midnight,
Ambassador uploaded a video
he recorded over a week earlier.
As you can see, I did it in the timescale
and yeah, I've been holding the footage,
waiting out, Mr Snooker Man,
so you won't have time to get yours in.
That puts me in the spot
where I want to be in the finals
and you're not gonna be
able to compete with me.
That makes me the snooker man, Snooker Man.
Welcome to the grand finals
of the World Championships
of Miniature Snooker 2022.
We're here, guys!
A nonstop thrill ride
of ball potting action
for you all to enjoy.
A huge controversy has held
its cloud over the competition
this year,
as the Ambassador has not only paid his way
into the competition through
sponsoring the tournament,
but he has also had the 147 break record,
taking up two spots
for himself in the finals.
Effectively, he now has a buy-in
past the quarterfinal stage
as he can't play against himself.
All he has to do is show up to take the W.
Here he comes.
This is completely unprecedented, folks.
Get out of here!
The crowd here at the snooker zone
are letting him know what
they really think of him.
What you going on about?
What you having a go at me for, yeah?
You know I've got the 147 locked down.
I don't even need to be here today.
Listen to me.
I don't need to be here today,
but you know I'm sailing
through this. Sailing!
What's Snooker man doing here?
He's not meant to be here!
Wait, what's that I'm
hearing in my earpiece?
Snooker Man's what?
Ladies and gentlemen,
last minute rule change.
I'm getting told by the organizers
that they've decided to
let Snooker Man compete
as the second placed
147 break record holder.
It's on, guys.
We have a match on our hands.
Let's quickly check on the
tournament quarterfinal brackets.
Wolfgang, the world's
number one ranked player,
faces off against Heatseeker.
Fishfingers has work cut out against Colin.
Big boy versus Queenie looks tasty.
But let's head straight to
Ambassador versus Snooker Man.
Sponsor versus wild card.
Best of three, let's go.
Ambassador playing games with the referee
as we kick things off.
He breaks, he gets the pot.
Racking up a nice break in the first frame.
I do not believe he wanted to do that.
Snooker Man is up.
Snooker Man is feeling the nerves too.
What a miss.
A very cagey start to the game.
Who can blame them?
Lots on stake here.
Ambassador to win the first frame.
1-0 to Ambassador.
Don't worry, Maggie,
it's all still to play for.
Snooker Man to break.
Let's see how he does.
That's a very unsporting
gesture from Ambassador.
Seven points with that pot of the black.
Right back at him.
Let's see how he likes it.
Oh no.
He should have been
more focused on his game.
Ambassador looking for
the double on the black
to take the second frame.
Whoa, he's left an easy
pot on for Snooker Man.
1-1, final frame.
Whoever wins this frame
passes through to the semifinals.
He can get his own chalk this time.
He's clearing up.
What's Ambassador trying here?
No time for trick shots
in a game this important.
Snooker Man's back on the table.
Let's see what he's made of.
Snooker Man wins the match!
Smashed it!
He's punched his
ticket into the next round.
He's becoming a real
fan favorite with the crowd.
We didn't even expect to see a match here.
- Thanks.
- What a turn up
for the books.
You couldn't write it.
I smashed it.
I smashed it.
You saw the way the game
flowed, you know what I mean?
He, his true colors came out the way,
the way he got up and stormed out.
That is the true Ambassador.
He's, he's an idiot.
He's, he, he's gone. He's gone.
Let's look at the story so far, guys.
Wolfgang's steamrolled past Heatseeker
and faces Colin in the semi-final.
And Snooker Man meets Queenie,
a hot favorite in this tournament.
Will we see the rivalry between Snooker Man
and Wolfgang end in the final?
I can't wait.
My name's Queenie and I am the champion
of Hong Kong of Mini Snooker.
Picked up my first cue
when I was three years old,
playing regular snooker,
but I really, really fell in
love with mini snooker.
I just, there's a skill
involved, a miniature snooker
'cause of the space or the lack of space.
And since then I just play, I
play snooker every single day.
It's my life, I live for it.
And I've been training
for this ever since I was
literally three years old.
So yes, of course I'm going to win today,
but I, I live for it,
I, I'm just, I'm buzzing, I'm buzzing.
I can't stop buzzing, I'm just so happy.
Like, oh, like, I, I can't say enough.
But all the work, all this,
mate, it was draining.
Draining, you know, I
couldn't sleep a lot of the nights
and I'm here to win.
I'm not messing about, I'm here to take it.
I'm here to take the final.
So, just two more steps.
I've just got, I've got the semis next.
So I, I'm aware that
there's a new boy in town
called Snooker Man and,
no one's heard about
him in Hong Kong before.
So I, I don't really know
what he's doing here.
If he's only been playing
for, I, I don't know, like,
how long has he been
here, for like two months?
And I've been here for at least five years.
I mean, I guess he's good if he's here,
if he's coming in,
but you can't beat experience, man.
Yeah, I look forward to,
to meeting him, I guess.
But hey, you know,
I'm all here for a friendly,
decent game here.
You know what I mean?
This is why we're here,
we're here to play some good snooker.
So bring it on.
I'm just looking forward to it.
May the best man win.
Welcome back
sports fans to the semi-finals
of the World Championships
of Miniature Snooker.
Let's see how the new fan
favorite Snooker Man did
up against the master of the game, Queenie.
We have highlights from
all the action coming right up.
In this best of five,
Queenie, looking too cool for school,
secured the first frame,
but Snooker Man made his
way back, winning the next three.
Let's hear from the loser.
Yeah, well done Snooker Man.
I think it was a fluke.
It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.
Well done.
Colin was also no match for Wolfgang
in the semifinals.
Wolfgang versus Snooker
Man is our grand final.
There's something we
also need to show you guys.
Before Wolfgang walked
out for his entrance today,
look who came out with him.
Barry Keane,
a once trusted business
associate of Snooker Man,
some would say a close friend,
was seen walking out with
his arch rival in his win today.
What is Barry doing managing Wolfgang?
What does this betrayal mean? How could he?
Well, Wolfgang is a,
well, you know, he's a man of the people.
He understands the media.
He knows what to say and what not to say.
So I'd rather go with someone like that.
But me dad, I don't
know what he's playing at.
Do you know what?
That slug guy's gonna get his little slug
knocked right off.
And he even dresses like a waiter.
Look at his waist coat!
I mean, jeez,
he looks like he should be
more serving cheap plonk
or something in Costa Del Sol.
Snooker Man.
I hope you're doing well.
Looks like Barry has decided
to manage a winner for a change.
You may call him as hell
out, but he is just buying it.
It is now my time to tell
you what I am entitled to,
to become the World
Champion of Miniature Snooker.
So Barry, Barry leaving me
to go with Mickey Mouse gang,
I mean, Wolfgang,
I think he's having a
mid, bit of a midlife crisis.
I think he's a bit lost.
I think he's actually
going a little bit do-lally.
You know?
I don't really wanna say
anything to Johnny Bonnar.
Nothing at all.
He's got, he, he, he, he, he, he,
he's nothing to do with me any more
and I don't want anything to do with him.
So, you know, Johnny, you know, good luck.
Well, goodbye.
Hi Johnny.
If you're watching this,
I hope we're friends still
because do you know what?
It's just horrible without you.
And just so you know,
whatever happens, I wanted you to win.
In fact, I'm just praying
for you to win tonight.
I just, I just want you to go and smash it.
Whatever happens between us, I just,
part of me just thinks that
it's just sad.
Even if we've lost our friendship,
I hope you go and win
that match, all right?
Smash that guy.
Go and smash 'em all, Johnny.
You're the best.
Ladies and gentlemen.
The time is now.
Right here, right now
in that room, in that hall,
you're gonna see me kick Wolfgang's arse.
Snooker Man, I hope you're watching this.
Look into my eyes.
Look at me in the eye.
Are you listening to me, Wolfgang?
In that hall, I'm gonna ruin you.
I'm gonna ruin you.
I'm gonna expose you for
the absolute Mickey Mouse
that you are,
the absolute pussycat.
You're giving it all large.
I am going to kill you out there.
It's nothing.
I know, I know it's all a front.
I know that you are just one big fat loser.
So get your back to Loserville.
You look like Rooney O'Sullivan
at your crystal meth addiction.
You need to switch up this snooker game
'cause it ain't working
no more, 'cause I'm here.
You have the acting ability
of an amateur porn star.
The snooker playing ability of disabled.
I'm here and I'm gonna ruin you.
I'm gonna punish you so bad, so bad.
I am going to wipe the
floor with you in the finals.
Take yourself and the Mickey Mouse game.
Just pack up and leave.
Get the hell out of here.
You will suffer.
You will suffer.
Well I'll tell you what, man.
Get your stuff.
And get outta here.
'Cause I'm gonna, I'm gonna ruin you!
I'm gonna ruin you, mate!
Fuck you, Snooker Man.
Eat shit and die.
It's the moment
you've all been salivating for,
the grand final
of the World Championships
of Miniature Snooker.
Winner takes all, the battle of the ages.
Defending champion Wolfgang
takes on a new upstart in
this industry, Snooker Man.
Let's look at the tale of the tape.
Wolfgang far outclasses
Snooker Man in every department,
but I wouldn't rule him out.
Snooker Man has overcome every obstacle
Wolfgang has thrown his way.
Is this going to be the
greatest upset of all time?
Let's go!
A somber walk in from Snooker Man.
He's taking this moment in.
He's come so far.
Here he comes.
The reigning defending
champion with his manager.
The crowd has a very clear favorite.
He's the Wolf man!
Show him some respect.
Yeah, you.
I don't know about everyone at home,
but the hairs on my neck are standing up.
The spooky, ominous mask
being brought out by Barry there.
Double pot from Snooker Man on the break.
What a miss.
Wolfgang takes advantage.
Really taking his time
around the table here.
Wolfgang lines up his shot.
Wolfgang takes the lead in the grand final.
God only knows
what's going through the
mind of Snooker Man now.
Can he compose himself?
Bang! Plunk! Boof!
Splash down! Bazinga!
Snooker Man has pulled it back
and Wolfgang isn't liking that one bit.
The contrast in reaction
from the Keane family
tells you everything you need to know.
Wolfgang restores his lead.
A double thumbs up
from Barry to his client.
Here we go.
Snooker Man matches his nemesis.
Oh my God, guys, they're both neck and neck
on three apiece.
It's come down to the final frame.
My heart is in my mouth.
They think it's all over.
Wolfgang's on championship point.
He's surely won this.
She can't watch, nor can I.
He's taken it.
Wolfgang is your world champion.
What a tournament!
Yes, I've won!
I won!
Yes! Yes!
Commiserations to Snooker Man.
He put up a great fight
and should be proud.
What is the referee taking an interest in?
He's seen something.
- Yes.
- There's been a foul.
- Wait.
- Gotta check the...
- What do you mean?
- It's not over yet.
The ref is calling for VAR.
The video assistant
referee has pulled this up.
He double tapped the white!
That's a foul.
Snooker Man has a chance to win.
Yes! Yes!
The black will be re-spotted.
If he can pot this, he's won.
This is the biggest moment of his life.
Do or die Snooker Man, you can do it.
We all believe in you.
Yes, he's done it!
Well done, champ!
You deserve it.
Why is Wolfgang harassing the referee?
He lost fair and square.
What chaos!
And now he's grabbing his manager.
Do something.
You're my bloody manager!
Do something!
You okay?
Pow! A punch to the face!
He really deserved that.
And this love story comes to an end.
I think Snooker Man needs
to work on his kissing action.
They look like a couple of wet kippers.
As the trophy gets presented to the champ,
- Thanks.
- I want to thank you all
for being a part of this broadcast.
I hope you all join us again next year.
Have a great evening, all.
Well done, Snooker Man.