Snoop Dogg's F*cn Around Comedy Special (2022) Movie Script
Make some noise
for Snoop Dogg!
How you doing, California?
Everybody on your feet,
make some motherfuckin' noise!
One, two, three
and to the four
Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre
is at the door
Ready to make an entrance
So back on up
Gimme the microphone first,
So I can bust like a bubble
Compton and Long Beach
together
Now you know you in trouble
- 'Cause ain't nothin' but a G thang
- Baby
- Two loc'ed out niggas so we're
- Crazy
- And Death Row is the label that
- Pays me
We unfadeable, so please
Don't try to fade this
But, uh, back to the lecture at hand
Perfection is perfected
So I'ma let 'em understand
From a young G's perspective
And before me dig out a bitch
I have to find a contraceptive
You never know, she could be earnin'
Her man and learnin' her man
And at the same time
Burnin' her man
Now you know I ain't with that shit
Lieutenant
Ain't no pussy good enough to get burnt
While I'm up in it
And that's realer than
Real-Deal Holyfield
And now you hookers and hoes
Know how I feel
Well if it's good enough
to get broke off
A proper chunk
I'll take a small piece of
Some of that funky stuff
It's like this and like that
And like this and, uh...
Make some motherfuckin' noise!
We'd like to welcome y'all
to the Snoop Dogg Netflix
Fuckin' Around Comedy Special.
Brought to you by yours truly.
But before we start the show we want to
show some love to my DJ, my homeboy,
DJ Pooh on the ones and twos.
What's happenin' with it,
Hollywood, California?
We want y'all to have some fun tonight,
you know what I'm saying?
We want to make sure
y'all have a real good time.
DJ Pooh, we want to take it back tonight,
we want to take it way back so we can
make sure everyone's feeling good
about theyselves...
before these comedians come out
and start talking shit about y'all.
Now, we wanted to address a few things.
With all this drama and all this war going
on in the world, and, you know, people
rushing stages and gettin' their ass
kicked and all that kind of shit.
We just wanted to make sure to that
tonight is a fun night. It's safe.
And it's all about...
Love and happiness
Yes.
We want to spread love
and make sure that you're happy.
'Cause that's what tonight's all about:
comedians coming out, telling jokes,
you laugh and having a good time.
But if they what?
Hey, if they rush the stage tonight there
ain't gonna be no...
Love
So stay in your motherfuckin' seats,
so you don't get your ass kicked.
But right about now we want to spread
some love and some happiness, so
feel free to clap along
and sing this shit.
Hey!
Love and happiness
- Wait a minute
- Wait a minute.
I knew y'all was gonna sing that shit,
that's why I said, "Wait a minute."
We gonna have a lot of fun tonight.
That Al Green sample gonna cost
a lot of motherfuckin' money.
But don't trip.
Netflix gon' pay for it.
It's what they do.
Yeah, we got a live crowd here tonight.
Make some motherfuckin' noise
for being live tonight.
Yeah!
Real question: how many people
in the house tonight smoke weed?
How many people in the house tonight
high right now?
Well, how many people in the house tonight
on a natural high?
Well, we'd like to dedicate
this song to you.
We love the fact that you stay fly,
don't ask why,
and there's only one way to get by.
And tonight is your night to be you
and stay drug-free!
Yeah, I don't trust a motherfucker
that don't get high.
But anyway, I want y'all to sing along
with me one time for all the people that
don't do drugs, that don't drink.
I don't know if it's any of you
motherfuckers in here, but...
Take to the sky
On a natural high
Sing it if you ain't gettin' high tonight
You don't need to be singing
'cause you fucked up.
Lovin' you more
Okay.
It is some motherfuckers in here
on a natural high.
Or are all of y'all on a cocaine high?
It don't matter, fuck it,
we havin' fun tonight.
Now, I don't know if you guys know,
but uh,
I just acquired a label
called Death Row Records.
Yes, sir!
So what I wanna do right now, I just wanna
kinda, like, celebrate that moment,
'cause I've yet to do that
with anybody.
So, Haley, where you at, baby?
This is Haley, she'll be bringing me
things through the night.
- Thank you, baby.
- Oh, okay.
So, in the Death Row style fashion,
let's have a toast.
Yes, yes.
Anybody wanna get fucked up tonight?
Well, let me hear you say,
"I wanna get fucked up!"
I wanna get fucked up!
Everybody say, "I wanna get fucked up!"
I wanna get fucked up!
With so much drama in the L-B-C
It's kind of hard bein'
Snoop D-O-double-G
But I somehow, some way
Keep comin' up with
Funky-ass shit like every single day
May I, kick a little something
For the Gs and
Make a few ends
As I breeze through
Two in the mornin'
And the party's still jumpin'
'Cause my momma ain't home
I got bitches in the livin' room
Gettin' it on
- And they ain't leavin' 'til six in the
- Morn
So what you wanna do?
Shit I got a pocket full of rubbers
And my homeboys do too
So turn off the lights
And close the doors
- But, but what? Yeah
- We don't love them hoes
So we gonna smoke
A ounce to this
Gs up hoes down
While you motherfuckers bounce to this
Laidback,
with my mind on my money
And my money on my mind, y'all
Sippin' on gin and juice
Laidback,
With my mind on my money
And my money
On my motherfuckin' mind
Hey, Haley, Haley, can you come
get this drink?
This is just fruit punch, y'all ain't even
got no alcohol in this shit.
A little juice to get me loose.
Thank you.
Where the motherfuckin' ladies at?
Shout out to all of the beautiful ladies
in the house, first and foremost,
shoutout to my lovely wife,
Shante "Boss Lady" Broadus
is in the house.
And I want to give a shoutout to all
of the ladies that
got their eyelashes done tonight...
That went and got that make-up,
and that botox, and them laced fronts.
And even the ones with the Spanx on,
just holding it together.
And I got to give a shoutout to all the
natural women in the house tonight.
Yes, yes, we love it like that, too.
And a special shoutout to the ones that
got the Geoffrey Giraffe eyebrows,
out here trickin' niggas,
lookin' like Halle Berry in the club,
but waking up
in the morning like Chuck Berry.
Ladies, this is for you.
Go ahead.
If I... I give you the one
Thank you very much.
Okay, hold on, this ain't no goddamn
Anita Baker concert.
She got her masters back.
We're gonna have to pay her a whole
lot of money for that motherfucker.
We fittin' to get stuck up for that shit.
I love you, Nita.
Now tonight, we got some of the funniest
motherfuckers in comedy
comin' on the stage.
But I want y'all to know
where y'all at right now.
I don't know if y'all know where y'all at.
We're on Sunset Strip
and this is the spot
where Richard Pryor did his
Live on Sunset Strip comedy show.
Shoutout to the gold Richard Pryor,
rest in peace,
he was one of the funniest
to ever do it.
And since we in the presence of greatness
and this is a building that he graced,
I wanted to bring some of my favorite
comedians in here
that I've worked with
in the past.
So tonight,
we gonna showcase they skills.
I'm just gonna fuck around
and let them clown.
These are my friends, my family members,
my homies.
The first guy that reminds me of a...
the men that... that we looked up to,
growing up in the hood:
Pimps.
Yeah, I said it, pimps!
See one thing about a pimp, we loved the
way they talked, the way they walked,
the clothes they wore, the cars they
drove, they women, and they money.
The next player that I'ma bring
to the stage, he's a businessman,
he's an executive.
He's a Emmy-nominated actor.
His voice has been used in animation
'cause it's pimpin'.
It's so cold.
You understand me? I mean this is
the only cat that's a GOAT.
I said this is the only cat that's a GOAthat can smoke more dope
than the D-O-double-G.
I'm talking about the one and only...
Stand on your feet right now, make some
motherfuckin' noise for Cincinnati's own
Katt motherfuckin' Williams!
Thank you so much, I appreciate it.
'Preciate it.
Comedy is very, very dangerous these days,
you gotta stay on your motherfuckin'
pivot feet at all motherfuckin' times,
in case somebody,
anybody move.
We ready in case anybody
wanna tackle this,
you gonna have to be
a lucid motherfucker.
I just got off 13-year probation.
So that means I have no opinions
about Will Smith or Chris Rock.
I don't involve myself in nothing, even
this shit I see, I do not see.
Having said that...
you walk up here to slap me
and you put your hand way up here.
My job is to not be there when your hand
comes down, I know...
how agile I need to be.
I have the moves.
This is the Dark Ages, folks.
Look it up in history.
Any time people that tell the truth
is attacked,
that's called the Dark Ages.
When you can't say some shit,
'cause of how somebody might feel,
and they might whoop your ass.
That's the Wild, Wild West.
Gotta be very, very careful...
what it is you let happen.
We just had a whole election.
Something happened that changed the fabric
of the country, and we ain't say shit.
We traded in a crazy, deranged president
for Weekend at Bernie's.
Everything's upside down.
They lied to all of us.
They don't lie to some of us.
They lie to all of us about as much shit
as they possibly can,
and all we can do is just take it.
We ain't got to.
Sometimes you just got
to find out the truth.
Where's all the people that love ox tails?
Make some noise if you love ox tails.
First of all, that's a lot of y'all.
They are delicious. That is a fact.
I don't know why the fuck
y'all sounded so proud.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Y'all done drove the price
of that meat up,
neck and neck with pussy
across the country.
A hundred and sixteen dollars?
Bitch, what the fuck is in there?
If you love ox tails,
my job is not to judge the truth,
my job is just to find out the truth
and run back and fuckin' tell y'all.
If you love ox tails, here's the truth.
I've been around this country
for 17 100-city tours.
Take my word for this.
There are no oxes in America.
I know they're delicious.
But there are no oxes in America.
That's why
now that you thinkin' 'bout it...
You don't know nobody had an ox,
you ain't ever heard of nobody
with some oxes,
never seen an ox on Instagram,
you never seen a TikTok ox,
you ain't never seen an ox dealer.
Ox tail is delicious,
but think to yourself,
as much money as you done
touched in your life,
many celebration dinners
as you done had,
why did you stop at the tail?
You didn't ever want no ox steak?
Or no ox ribs?
Ain't nobody ever had an ox roast.
'Cause there ain't no motherfuckin' oxes.
The last ox in America was in 1936 owned
by a man named Paul Bunyan.
The ox's name was Babe,
that was the blue ox's name, exactly.
Fuck outta here.
So now, let me take you off the hook,
'cause some of y'all is wondering,
"What the fuck have we been eatin'?"
There ain't no oxes.
Just bulls.
They done cut the balls off a bull
and
then still tried to sell the meat.
But because there's a God,
if you cut off my balls
and try to sell off my meat,
you raggedy bitch,
you gonna find out I done poisoned
all this meat
with hatred
and anger and resentment.
Only my tail will be delicious
to remind you that you fucked up.
These are the truths
they hidin' from you.
I risk my life to tell y'all these truths.
I'ma tell you another one that'll...
they'll have me crucified
by the morning, watch.
All I gotta do is tell the truth.
Watch this one.
Wendy Williams is Big Foot.
There, I said it, it's out there, I can't
take it back! The bitch is Big Foot!
Every time she go on hiatus,
you see all types of sightings!
How you doing?
Shittin' in the woods.
That's the truth.
My name is Katt Williams, thank you
so much, ladies and gentlemen.
- You had to say it, you had to.
- You told me to say it.
- I didn't write that shit.
- Snoop wrote all of that.
I didn't write none
of the jokes for this show.
Hey, Big Foot, Sasquatch
did not come from me.
- I had nothing to do with it.
- Oh, no, that's just true.
That's just true.
So, Katt, they wanna know, um,
what was the first time me and you
encountered each other?
When we actually met.
Because I'm so motherfuckin' high
I can't remember.
Right.
No, no, that's because, um,
the first time that we met,
I wasn't famous so you couldn't remember
who the fuck I was.
'Cause I wasn't nobody, but...
you treated me nice and we had
a real, street level-type conversation
which was helpful to me.
And so the next time
that I saw you,
I was big enough for you
to know who I was,
and then I told you that I was gonna be
doing some work.
And I told you what the work was.
And then that's when you said,
"I'm gonna do it,"
which was, for me,
that one special
sold 25 million copies.
And, um, that was...
Yeah, that... that was...
that was,
that was due to association.
And so, you know we have, uh,
such a large history in Los Angeles,
- going from Death Row.
- Yeah.
To the new Death Row.
- Yeah.
- And I love you, Katt.
I love you for always... for always being
you and always being, you know,
a smart, brilliant, businessman.
That's what a lot of people
don't understand.
To tell these jokes you gotta be
smart and brilliant
'cause you gotta remember
all of that shit.
You gotta be able to, you know, be
repetitious with it at the same time
the fly, in case somebody,
like, jump outta pocket.
You gotta be able to have something
to say for them, too.
So, your brilliance as a businessman,
I respect that.
I tell niggas all the time when I came
over to see you one time and you was like,
"Nigga, I got a check from two years ago,
nigga, for three million dollars and
I ain't even spent it yet!"
And I'm like, "This nigga know how to hold
onto old checks and shit.
And they still be good."
Like, that shit
was brilliant to me,
'cause my checks bounce like
a motherfucker after the first week.
Hey, girls.
They over here just drinking
for free and shit.
As they should.
So, moving right along, to the next
comedian to hit the stage.
He's from Chicago.
Give it up for DeRay Davis.
Hello.
What's up, y'all?
Give it up for Snoop Dogg.
Give it up for Snoop Dogg.
Katt Williams, the nigga's over there
having a very rich nigga conversation.
I put this outfit on because of how the,
uh, state of comedy been lately.
I wanted a little more, you know,
look a little more thugged out on stage.
No.
But, I was in the back, nigga was like,
"You look like
Queen Latifah on Set it Off."
Stop laughin', white people.
It's a joke, motherfuckers.
I'm so happy to see Katt here.
Y'all have no idea.
I ain't seen that brother in so long.
That's... that's one of my idols, man.
I got to see two of my idols, man.
It's pretty fuckin' cool, man.
Shit too sensitive.
We need Katt.
We need those kind of comedians,
man, shit too sensitive,
you can't even play no more.
I used to joke around,
I can't even joke no more.
I used to play with racism, you can't even
play with racism no more.
You can't even play... I used to go to
the dog park and pretend I lost my dog.
And I had white people
help me look for him.
And I be like, "His name Nigga."
Like, "Nigga! Call him."
"You don't like dogs?"
- "I mean, it's the..."
- "Nigga!
Nigga, please!"
You look good!
I look good?
Thank you.
You wanna do it?
The women always bullshit.
That wasn't a real answer.
You know, like,
I said, "You wanna do it?"
"Ow!"
Now we at my house and shit, I'm like,
"You said we gon' fuck?"
All I said was, "Ow!"
You got to be careful.
You got to watch the women in the club
that pretend they wanna fuck.
That's the scary part, in the club,
'cause you really don't know.
They all on you, they getting your drinks
and shit and you...
and you looking at your homies,
like, "Oh, she wanna fuck!"
Don't trust 'em, fellas,
soon as a woman get outside
and the wind hit her eyelashes,
she sober as hell.
"It was really nice meeting you."
"It was so cool."
What the fuck goin' on?
I was talkin' to this one girl,
this bitch jumped in the moving car,
she was like "Bye!"
I'm like "How the fuck?"
How the fuck did they time that so good?
The ladies havin' a good time down there.
Havin' a good time.
You are.
Hard on everybody.
The women was marching a long time ago.
Everybody marchin',
everybody got a fuckin' group,
and that's the problem with comedy.
'Cause women try to defend motherfucker,
we talkin' bout shit that
we've been through.
We talkin' about... well you might talk
about a motherfucker
that's tryin' to roast them.
You just tell 'em 'bout some shit.
You don't want to offend nobody.
But everybody offended,
everybody got a group.
Then you get cancer.
I see a little boy walkin' on the street,
he fell, I started laughin', he stood up,
"You laughin' at the fallen children
of America?" "Nigga, no, I just...
You fell, I laughed right after that."
And everybody got their horror, man.
The LGBTQ,
they go through it all the time.
Black Lives Matter consistently,
regardless if you see it or not.
Go through it,
I can understand them marches.
But there's people that go through
other shit and we never care about them.
Their whole life they've been
going through this shit
and nobody ever
gave a fuck.
They never stood up for themselves
or nothin'. It's fucked up.
The ugly people.
They don't get no...
Claire Cobham just said,
"Thank you!" right now.
Ugly people never get offended
by bullshit.
You never see two cute people arguin', and
one of them call each other, "You ugly!"
And the ugly person stand up, "You ain't
gon' keep throwin' that word around!"
Ugly people are always in denial, too.
They don't know.
They don't want to be ugly.
You could be with your ugly-ass friend.
They could be a million
ugly-nigga march tomorrow.
You could turn to your boy like, "Hey.
I heard y'all got a march tomorrow."
He'd be like,
"Nigga, who got a march?"
The dumb...
The number one thing ugly dudes
always say, "I get bitches."
It's hard on men.
We can't just hustle.
Pretty women can just hustle, it's easy
for pretty women a lot of times.
All women, a lot of times.
Y'all take it for granted.
Like right now, every woman in here right
now could quit her job tonight
and be a stripper tomorrow.
Every woman in here!
And if you think your woman won't,
trust me,
your woman been riding in the car with
her girl from before,
they ride past your club, they look
at each other, they don't say it,
but they say it, be like,
"Bitch, I... Bitch, you know if I...
I, if I wanted, I...
I don't wanna..."
They don't ever say it out loud 'cause
they don't know who's listening.
But every woman in here could strip
if she want to.
Some women are lookin' at other women
and hatin': "Not her," "Yes, her."
Trust me, unfortunately,
I've been some places.
I went to one strip club, all the bitches
walk around with they own pole.
"You want a dance, nigga?"
"Damn, anybody wanna joust?"
I'm not hatin.
I'm sayin' men can't do that!
As much as we talk shit,
men can't do that shit.
Men can't dance, we can't go...
There's no strip club for us,
there's no hustle for men.
No man ever got out of high school,
first thing they say is,
"Let's go down to Miami
and get this money." It never happened.
You never worry
about a young man stripping.
Your family never worried
about you stripping.
You ain't never been nowhere
and your uncle pulls you to the side,
"Come here, nigga!
Come here.
Now I don't care how bad it get,
I don't wanna see you on that pole!
You understand me?" Never.
'Cause nobody cares
about male strip clubs, they don't exist.
I did a movie called "Chocolate City".
That shit ain't real.
There ain't no male strip clubs.
Yeah, they got male stripper reviews
like in Vegas they do, the, whatever,
the Australian shit, but ain't no regular
male strip clubs, ain't no hustle for us.
Ain't no Dick of Diamonds.
One male stripper never runs into another
one, "Hey, man, you work at DOD?"
He be like, "No, I'm just dancing to get
through, uh, real estate school, nigga."
No.
Women can do it 'cause women
got shit men want to see.
So they capitalize on it.
They got shit we want to see.
Women got special ass moves.
One cheek, two cheek, both cheek, clap.
Ain't no special penis move.
You never go to the male strip club, a
nigga throw his dick around the pole.
Flamo with no hands.
"Oh, shit, look at the centipede
on that nigga!
He doin' the dick drop of death.
Trap twice, survive once."
You don't see that shit.
Women know they ass nice.
Y'all communicate with the clap.
Women celebrate with the clap.
Ass claps see each other,
they don't even gotta know each other,
and women celebrate each other.
Two women, it could be her birthday, she
don't even fuckin' know her over there.
"It's yo' birthday?
Bitch, it's my birthday!
Twerk, twerk, twerk.
It's yo birthday, bitch? It's yo birthday?
Your birthday, my birthday, bitch!
Twerk, twerk, twerk."
Ain't no way in the world I see him
out there, "It's your birthday?
Man, my birth..., nigga, cock clap,
cock clap.
Cock clap real quick.
Cock. Clap. Don't stop."
You never go to the club and see four
niggas cock clappin' in the corner.
Wardin' off girls, "Get the fuck
outta here, we tryin' to celebrate."
Clock, nigga, bump.
And if ladies don't like they bodies,
it's up to you.
We livin' in weird times now.
You know, natural bodies go
against other bodies.
You don't know
why people got their bodies done.
Okay, it's none of our business.
We get it.
None of our business, but be safe when you
gettin' shit done. It's up to you.
But men?
Fuck that.
You can't do that shit.
Men ain't doin' that.
I don't give a fuck what you been readin'.
Ain't no man out there
getting' they dick did.
And when they walk past their friend,
"Hey, is that a new dick job?"
"Yeah, I went down to Colombia.
- I got a dick lift and a nut tuck."
- "Nigga, what?"
- "Dick lift, nut tuck."
- "Nigga, what?"
- "They took some out of my knee."
- "Get the fuck out here."
"They took some of my knee,
a little nipple for sensitivity."
Yo, get...
You never go to the club
and see your boy walk in the club,
he actin' different,
just got his dick did.
"What's up, niggas?"
"Man, fuck yo' fake-dick ass."
"Y'all mad, y'all mad."
Your legs don't match.
If a man got their penis did,
women wanna know.
Women want to know what's in it, 'cause
women care about themselves down there.
Woman don't fuck with certain dyes,
certain materials, certain...
anything that irritate them,
"What the fuck is in yo' fake dick?
Everything don't agree with me."
But men, hmm-mm.
No standards, men don't give a fuck
'bout some fake titties.
Men don't care what's in fake ass.
Never been with a girl
with a fake ass,
like "Hold up, wait.
It got glucose in it?
Peanuts? I'm allergic to..."
Man, if I had a girl with
a big, fake ass, I ain't give a fuck.
She like, "DeRay, spank me,
you ain't sayin' shit."
Like, "Spank me, boy,
you ain't saying shit, girl."
She's like, "You ain't going to spank me?"
I was like, "Bitch, I just did."
You ain't feel it
'cause it's big, fake ass.
I started smacking only real shit.
Give me that neck.
"Ah!"
"Ear. Jaw. Ankle. Bob it.
Neck. Ear. Ankle.
Bop it.
Side." "Ow!"
"Neck. Ankle. Bop it."
She said, "Pull my hair."
I started diggin' through her weave.
I kept digging
until I got to that circular braid.
I pulled that shit.
"Fuck wrong with you?"
You said, "Pull your hair,
I'm pulling your hair, bitch!"
Neck. Bop it.
I'm DeRay Davis, and
I fucked with y'all heavy.
DeRay motherfuckin' Davis.
They know, they know you gettin' it.
Snoop Dogg, y'all!
Snoop Dogg in the building.
- De... motherfuckin' Ray.
- Oh shit, it's an honor, Snoop.
Come on, cat.
It's an honor, nigga!
I know all your lyrics, my nigga.
For real?
Yeah, what you wanna do?
- Oh, you the one, oh, knee dick.
- My favorite shit!
Let it Out, my favorite Snoop record.
- For real?
- Yeah, that's my shit.
I wish I knew how that shit went,
I be so high, I be forgettin'
- half the songs I wrote.
- Ain't that about a bitch?
No, for real, some of my songs,
I gotta have a teleprompter
so I can remember
the words and shit.
No. No, fuck that shit, Snoop, I got
a Snoop story for you real quick.
- Talk to me.
- We not makin' this up.
On God. I'm... I'm... it's funny,
he just said this shit.
You had a video shoot, I forgot whose song
it was, but Lil' Jon was there.
His son was young in there.
His son kept eatin' all the fuckin'
peanut butter-jam sandwiches.
So while Lil' Jon was doin' the video,
Lil' Jon's son was taking advantage
of the fuckin' crafty, fuckin' it up.
Snoop doin' the song.
The whole time Snoop doin' the song,
he keep turnin' around.
And I was like, "Damn, that nigga got
little moves to this shit." I said,
"That's a cool move you did." That nigga
said, "Nah, I forgot my lyrics.
I was lookin' at 'em."
He had a piece of paper in his hand.
- It's hip-hop.
- True story, y'all.
It's hip-hop,
you gotta have cheat notes, man.
Shit. I mean,
you gotta do what you gotta do.
Ya dig?
Chi-town, though.
- Chi-city.
- Chi-town.
- Chi-city?
- Yep. Chi-town for life, baby.
Chi-town for life. How long...
How long you been out here in California?
- Here?
- Yeah.
Man, I don't live here.
You gotta say that 'cause side bitches
be thinkin' I live somewhere.
No, no, I've been out here since
I think Barber Shop, my first movie.
That's when I first...
we actually filmed it in Chicago.
Yeah. Yeah.
And, uh, that year, that year I was like,
"Let me make the move back and forth."
But I always kept my home in Chicago.
I always kept my house there.
So when Hollywood done with me,
I get to go home, cut my grass.
- Love it.
- Check on my shit,
you know what I'm saying?
What I want to know is...
is your relationship
with Kanye West still the same?
How...?
No, he divorced me too.
- I seen you in the documentary.
- No, no.
My relationship with Kanye's music
is the same,
cause I'm always remember
the genius he is,
I'm always thinking about that person.
A lot of times we forget,
as we watchin' people grow up,
that they actually humans
and they go through shit.
- Right.
- And everybody,
like you got friends that's not exactly
where they supposed to be mentally,
but they still doin' well in life.
We know doctors who go through shit, we
know lawyers who go through shit, rappers,
- y'all just get it so bad...
- Yes.
...'cause y'all got the platform y'all on.
But, nigga, hurt and love
is a whole different thing no matter
who the fuck you is.
- Right.
- So...
I wish them both the best, though,
everybody, they all rich as fuck.
They can ease past somebody who
look like the motherfucker they with now.
Chi-town representin'
in the motherfuckin' house.
- Yes, thank y'all.
- Yeah.
- We love you, nigga, real shit.
- Thank you for the marijuana.
Yeah. Go and get out, nigga.
I got one rolled for you right here.
- This shit right here.
- This rolled for me?
- That shit right there.
- This looks healthy.
That shit right there's the one,
not the two.
Put some fire on that bitch.
Oh, shit, where the fuckin' lighter at,
nigga?
Right there. Get busy.
I don't usually smoke weed on
motherfuckin', um... yes, I do.
This is a Snoop Dogg Netflix production.
It's called "Fuckin' Around."
We just fuckin' around. You know,
we got some beautiful people in the house
tonight that came out to have a good time.
It's time to bring the next motherfuckin'
comedian out.
Everybody can say that Snoop Dogg
is their favorite uncle, right?
Well this next comedian would be
considered as your favorite auntie.
She will fight for you, she will ride
for you, she would die for you.
She'll even set a nigga up for you.
I'm talkin' 'bout the one and only
Melanie Comarcho.
How y'all doing?
All the ladies in the house say "Ow!"
Ow!
Yeah, we so hot right now,
men want to be us, y'all.
We ain't just makin' moves,
we makin' history, y'all.
The vice-president of the United States:
Ms. Kamala Harris. A woman.
Y'all better make some noise.
The fire chief of L.A. County,
Kristin Crowley, is a woman.
Make some noise.
And we won't even go into Ketanji Brown
Jackson, Supreme Court Justice.
Ooh!
And then there's me, Melanie Comarcho, who
just wrote, directed, edited, and scored
her first film, y'all, Boosters L.A.
That's right, there's power in pussy.
You better ask somebody.
You know what I know. All the ladies
in the house say "Hello."
Hello.
Yeah. So when I say "ladies" I need y'all
to say "hello," 'cause
time's hard
for the single lady right now.
- Ladies.
- Hello.
Girl, they say there's a man shortage.
There ain't no man shortage.
I was in downtown L.A. the other day.
There's men laying all on the ground.
We gotta get you a fixer-upper.
That's where we at right now.
You ain't going to find a man with a job,
a car, his own place, and good dick too.
You a dreamer.
Ain't no such thing, girl.
Times hard right now.
You ain't gonna find none of that.
If you get two out of three of that,
pat yourself on the back. You winnin'!
Oh my God, it's bad for us.
We on the internet looking for love.
What kind of bullshit is that?
I went to Christian Mingles, wasn't
nothing but heathens on that website.
Ended up in Plenty of Fish, wasn't nothing
but barracudas and octopuses on that.
Ended up on meetblindpeople.com, y'all.
Yeah, that's okay, laugh if you want to,
but I got me a good blind man.
We go everywhere together.
He ain't got no dog and I took the cane,
so it's my way or the highway.
He gonna try to break up
with me at my house.
Please, he's still tryin' to find
his way out. I wish I would.
I wish I would.
It's hard out here.
Relationships ain't
what they used to be, man.
Communication is the biggest problem.
Ladies?
Hello?
People don't talk no more.
All we do is text. Text, text, text.
I ain't got a booty call in six months
but I got a dick text yesterday.
Just gonna send me a dick in a text.
It wasn't even nothin' romantic:
"Want some?"
I cussed his ass out and was
like, "Hell yeah, I want some!" Shit.
It was beautiful. Circumcised,
all one color, no bumps, hard.
Bring that over.
Everybody want a hard one. Ladies?
Hell yeah, girl.
I don't know whose dick he text,
but it wasn't the one he brought over.
That is not the same dick, no, no, no.
That ain't even hard!
Look at this, look at that.
He talkin' about he was hard
on the way over.
Well, get back in the car.
You drive around til it look like this
text, that's when you pull in my driveway.
- Don't nobody want no damn noodle. Ladies?
- No!
Ain't want no goddamn noodle dick, please.
And they don't even care
if it ain't workin', do they?
Nope.
They'll stuff it in yo' womb.
Oh, every woman in here done been stuffed.
Don't play dumb with me.
If you know what I know,
all the ladies in the house say "hello."
Hello.
Oh yeah, you know, you might get stuffed
tonight, the way it's going.
Keep drinking, keep drinking,
see what happens.
Oh.
If they ain't stuffin', they done took
a pill and lyin' about it.
"Yeah right, I ain't take nothing."
"You took something!"
Shit, I went to sleep and woke up
and he was still at it.
I'm like "Ni..."
I don't know what you took,
but whatever it is,
you break that shit in half
before you come back over here again.
Don't want no goddamn
two hours' worth of dick. Ladies?
Hello.
We don't want two hours.
An hour, maybe, and ten minutes of that
better be eatin' some pussy.
- Hello?
- Hello.
Just 'cause you eat me don't mean
I'm doing your ass, do it?
Hello.
'Cause they nasty, a lot of them
don't even wipe good.
Girl, they be havin' skid marks
in the back of their drawers.
Gon' tell me that was sweat.
What you sweat, chocolate?
That was poo-poo right there.
I know poo-poo from chocolate.
Ew.
I don't know what the problem is,
it ain't rocket science.
Just wipe until there ain't
no more brown stuff.
You can look.
Wipe and look.
They wanna act like it's a credit card,
they swipe and go.
You ready?
You ready?
Why you got that brown mark
on the back of your damn drawers?
I don't know why y'all just don't wear
panty liners my damn self.
- Ladies?
- Hello.
Yeah, get you a damn panty.
Look at the men thinking about it.
Look at them, look at them.
Like, shit.
Count your panty liners tomorrow.
I bet one's missing.
I bet you one's missing.
Somebody gonna try that shit.
Tell me, if it wasn't for good dick,
I'd have gave up on y'all asses
a long time ago.
- Ladies?
- Hello.
It ain't too many of them out there,
but hey to the ones that is, hey.
Only thing about good dick,
it ain't got no car.
You gotta go pick up good dick.
Ain't that some bullshit?
You be mad, but you be drivin'.
"This the last time."
You guys have been absolutely fantastic.
They givin' me a light,
and I just wanted to give y'all
a little of this
black girl magic.
Somebody make some noise
for Melanie Comarcho.
Oh, this like my brother
from another mother.
- I been knowin' this man for years.
- Yes, yes.
I'm from Inglewood.
He from Long Beach.
Oh, man.
You know, I love me some Snoop,
but I love me some Shante,
- the "Boss Lady" his wife? Oh, my God.
- Yes, sir.
She need to be a damn comedian.
This girl be having me rolling
on the goddamn floor.
You need to be on this goddamn stage
right now, that's where you need to be.
Yo ass is funny!
I love you and I thank you,
any time and every time we call you,
you show up and show out.
When they said you was available
to come do this,
I was definitely honored to have
you be here.
You made it happen, Snoop,
and I thank you.
When Snoop said, "They need a lady on
the show, let's go get Melanie Comarcho,"
so I love you for life for that.
Love you too, sis.
Yeah.
Your favorite uncle and
your favorite auntie.
- That's right.
- You dig?
Now this next comedian right here,
I was in a movie with him.
It was a bullshit movie.
It's called The Ride for those of you
that have yet to see it,
I'd advise you don't see
the motherfucker.
But you've seen him
in extraordinary movies after that.
I mean he's a great
actor/comedian.
You seen him
in movies like Life,
American History X,
and he's also the creator
of Phat Tuesdays,
one of the greatest comedy events that
was ever put on in the comedy world.
I'm talking about the one and only,
from St. Louis,
my guy, your guy, Guy Torry.
What up, Hollywood?
Yeah, I had to change my microphone.
Goddamn, a lot of dick, pussy, and weed
on that goddamn mic.
I'm a germaphobe, man.
What's up, good to see your
naked faces out here!
Masks off!
White people, y'all was happy as fuck
there is no masks anymore,
y'all was happy
as fuck. Boy...
I was on a plane the other day,
white people was crip walkin' on the
plane, "Ah! No masks!"
Fuck that shit. Man, y'all... y'all,
white people was so happy,
you'd thought they sent niggas back
to Africa, goddammit.
They was happy as hell.
I was sitting there with my mask on.
I was like "I don't give a fuck." I'm the
only one on the flight with my mask on.
They looked at me like
I took my dick out in church.
"Uh!" I'm a germaphobe,
I ain't gonna lie now.
COVID got me being a germaphobe.
I thought germaphobes was... was crazy.
I dated this chick who was a germaphobe.
Extreme germaphobe.
Every time we go out to dinner,
she order hot water and lemon.
Take the silverware and soak it the damn
hot water and then wipe it off with lemon.
First time she went to suck my dick she
stood there with hot water and lemon, like
"No, bitch.
I ain't sticking my dick
in that hot-ass water,
You ain't rubbin' lemon
on my damn dick."
That's how I get fruity dick.
No, I don't want... You ain't messin'
with my goddam balls, fuck that!
Not today.
Who's vaccinated in here?
Vaccinated, clap your hands.
Clap your hands if you're vaccinated.
Vaccinated people, quit acting
like you're better
than unvaccinated people,
goddammit.
Quit walking around asking,
"Are you vaccinated?
Are you vaccinated?
Are you vaccinated?
What you got? Moderna? Moderna?
You got Pfizer.
Oh, I got Pfizer.
You got Moderna?" Fuck y'all, alright?
I know y'all wondering what I got.
Oh, what's your status?
Oh, I took my first shot.
I took my first shot, yep.
I'm taking my second shot right now,
goddammit.
And they say you need your booster,
goddammit, here's my booster, bitch!
COVID, man.
My mama vaccinated.
My mother's 84 years old,
she's vaccinated.
Hasn't been to the doctor in 20 years
and she's vaccinated.
I call my mama up, "Hey Mama, I want
to come see you, I miss you, I love you.
- I just want a hug."
- "Are you vaccinated?
Are you vaccinated?
You not comin' to the house
unless you vaccinated."
"Bitch, I bought that house!
You can be 'evixxinated' from it
real goddam quick."
I didn't say "bitch," I didn't say
"bitch," I thought it though,
I thought it.
I got a black mama.
You don't talk
to the black moms like that.
Now, white people, y'all...
y'all different.
Y'all cuss y'all mom out.
"Fuck you, Mom!
You fucking whore,
you're such a fucking cunt, Mom!"
"Sarah!
What has gotten into you?
Wait 'til your father gets home."
Black moms can't say that.
"Wait 'til your father... Oh, he ain't
been home since '05, goddammit."
COVID! Who caught COVID?
Clap your hands if you caught COVID,
goddammit. Clap your hands.
Come on, there's more niggas
that caught COVID.
Y'all lyin' like hell.
I had it!
I had COVID, yep.
Caught it from my Mexican friend.
God damn right.
We should've built the goddam wall.
I got it from my Mexi-damn friend.
It was the night the Dodgers won
the World Series.
Motherfuckers, y'all was celebratin',
Mexicans are like, "Arrayayayaya!
Rayayaya!" I went outside to see
what was goin' on, "Rayayayaya,"
one of them cheekies went airborne
and landed on my goddam lip.
And when there's something on your lip,
what do you do? Umh...
Three days later, like VD,
I got the goddam COVID.
Fucked me up, man.
I thought I was gonna die.
I thought I was gonna die.
COVID fucked me up, man.
I was half-naked the whole time
I had COVID.
I had on no socks, no shoes,
no drawers, no pants.
Just a white T-shirt with yellow rings
around the goddamn armpit.
And when you have COVID, it give you
diarrhea and it make you throw up.
I was shitting and throwing up
at the same time. Ah!
It was like I was in a COVID gangbang.
Ah!
It fucked me up, man.
I grabbed my Bible, I started praying to
God, 'cause I thought I was gonna die.
And when you on your deathbed, man, you
pray to God like, like, like, like, like...
it's no... you lie to God!
I was making up shit,
I had a ten COVID commandments.
"I'm sorry, Lord,
I ain't gonna cuss no more.
No more alcohol, Lord,
no more porn,
I ain't gonna eat my meat,
I ain't gonna beat my meat,
Lord, I'm done!"
I was scared, man,
'cause I'm 53!
53 years old!
Covid was killin' niggas in their 50s.
Yes! I know, white people, you look at me,
I'm like, "Gosh, you look great." I know!
I'm Black, goddammit.
We age well!
We age well!
We age well!
You know that sayin', Black don't crack?
Black don't crack.
Now we may smoke it, sell it,
and get arrested for it,
but we don't do it!
White people, y'all don't age well.
Y'all age horribly.
Like, horribly.
Like, horribly!
Especially white men, y'all age
like organic fruit from Whole Foods.
That'll be green on Monday,
brown on Wednesday,
all rotten by Friday, goddammit.
My man right here. Look. Stand up, sir.
Stand up, sir.
Stand up, there you go.
Give him a round of applause.
Give him a round of applause.
Thirteen.
That motherfucker 13 years old.
Look at my man right here.
Stand up, sir.
Stand up, sir.
Right here, yeah, stand up, sir.
Give him a round of applause.
Stand up, turn around, let them see.
97.97 years old.
Where my Latinos in the house?
My Latin men.
Stand up, sir, stand up, sir.
Stand up, right there.
Look at him, 103.
Black don't crack
and beige don't age, goddammit.
Y'all been good, I thank y'all so much,
man, Netflix is a Joke.
God bless y'all, I'm Guy Torry.
My guy, your guy, give it up one more time
for Guy motherfuckin' Torry!
What up, boy?
I'm all good, what's happenin' with it?
This shit is ghetto as a motherfucker.
Nigga been over here smokin' and shit.
Playin' the fuck around
and got me drunk, too.
Hey, I... I been drunk.
For real?
I don't drink, though.
I drink.
I drink, smoke cigars... suck titties.
That's what keeps me young.
Titties and tequila, goddammit.
Guy, Phat Tuesdays, man, congratulations
on being considered for an Emmy.
Appreciate that.
- Great shit.
- 'Preciate that.
Great job you did with that.
So, what's your plans now?
What you doing next?
Man, Phat Tuesdays, man,
is gonna be Obese Tuesdays, man.
We got more brands comin'
under that label, man,
- so...
- That's good.
It's cats like Katt Williams and
Melanie Comarcho and DeRay Davis, man,
who came through and ripped it
and made Phat Tuesdays what it was.
So I appreciate, you know, them coming
through and making Phat Tuesdays
one of the biggest nights
in the history of comedy.
Love and a baby,
that's what I'm talkin' about.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
That's what we do it for, we do it
to show love, y'all, like I said.
This is all my family members,
so this is like a light-weight family
reunion for me.
For us to have fun tonight,
listen to these great comedians,
get y'all entertained.
So, next up to bat
is a comedian from DC.
The go-go town.
Chocolate City.
And he is a funny motherfucker.
I mean, this is one of my peoples.
In real life, we got a real relationship.
We talk to each other away
from being on screen together.
- Some of you may know him as Ashy Larry.
- Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to stand
on your feet and make some noise
for my guy, Donnell Rawlings.
I know what the fuck y'all sayin'.
"Fuck is Ashy Larry doin'
with a motherfuckin' suit on?"
I'm rich, bitch!
I'm going from ashy to classy, nigga!
I got the same suit Chris Rock
got smacked on.
That's why you can't wear
no suit on stage.
That nigga Chris Rock got smacked
and fixed his button.
Y'all said what Will said.
"Pow!" that nigga said.
Wow.
Who the fuck gets smacked
and get dressed at the same time?
What did the five fingers say to the face?
Pow!
I wanna shout out Anderson .Paak
and fuckin' Bruno Mars for coming up
with the toxic relationship
song of the year:
"Smokin' Out the Window".
I know nothin' about that song,
the only word I know is "This bitch!"
That's the only part of that song:
"This bitch...
got me payin' her rent,
payin' for shit.
Diamonds on her neck,
diamonds on her wrist.
And here I am all alone!"
I just, what?
"This bitch!"
That nigga sounds like,
"This bitch right here.
"This! This bitch!"
That nigga said that shit like he been
wantin' to say that shit for years
and kept it in.
He was just like, "Oh, I ain't gonna kill
this bitch, I ain't gonna kill her!"
Somebody said, "How you and Tanya doin'?"
"This! Bitch!"
Toxic relationship.
Only time you're in a toxic relationship
is when the pussy is fire.
You ever see a nigga argue with a bitch,
they got some whack-ass pussy?
Never!
That bitch be leavin', come back,
"I'm back!"
"Bitch, I ain't even know you left."
Fuck outta here
with that terrible-ass pussy.
Now WAP is what get motherfuckers
in toxic relationship.
Look, there go the bitches
with the WAP, right there.
If you don't know WAP is,
niggas lookin like they don't know
the fuck I'm talkin' about.
Certified freak!
Seven days a week!
"Wet-ass pussy" make
that pull-out game weak.
You fuckin' with some wet-ass pussy.
Megan Thee Stallion
came on the track,
I thought I was listenin'
to a female E-40.
That bitch sayin', "Swallow me, gotta be,
zip, wow, wow, wow.
"Swallow me, gotta be, zip, wow, wow, wow.
Swallow allow allow allow me gotta be."
Ask for a car
while you ride that dick!
Girl, you better get that car
before I bust a nut, bitch.
'Cause I got nothin'.
I don't give a fuck how you get on, bitch.
There's a bird in the back,
get on that bird.
Wet-ass pussy!
Grab a mop!
White men, are you listening
to me right now?
Grab a mop and a bucket
for this wet-ass pussy!
A mop and a bucket?
Bitch, your water broke,
you pregnant, bitch!
That baby 'bout to crown out that pussy.
That pussy is wet!
Sir, you been around some
wet-ass pussy, right?
Imagine this, you gettin' the pussy wet.
Right? You like this.
Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba.
I don't know how you do it, nigga,
that's how I do it.
Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba.
I don't make no eye contact, nigga,
I don't even look at the bitch.
Ba ba ba, bap, bap bap bap...
I'm Michael Jackson.
You gettin' the pussy wet, you doin' this.
I don't know.
I got another move, it's called
"the gunshot." Look at me, nigga.
You take your... take your hand,
make it look like a gun,
then you hit the pussy
like this. Pow! Pow!
Like you in Long Beach, a drive-by.
Pow, pow!
You hit that pussy like that.
Pow!
Pow!
I got this 'nother move, it's for you, you
an old nigga, "the nano-nano," nigga.
Hit that shit like this,
"Nano, nano!
Badabababa." Imagine you doin'
all these moves, "Fap!
Wada-bat-bat! Nano, nano!"
And all a sudden, you like, "Fuck.
Jesus.
I need a mop and a bucket.
Oh, a mop and a bucket, right here. Whew."
That pussy's wet!
Another fun fact you might not know
about this pussy, sir,
this pussy don't even have a job!
Cardi B sayin', "I don't cook!
I don't clean!
But let me tell you how I got this ring."
You guessed it.
Wet-ass pussy.
I was like, "Wait a minute, bitch.
You don't cook or clean?"
I was like, "Uh..."
I don't know about that.
I'm old, bitch. I get hungry.
Fuck yo' wet-ass pussy,
I need a drier pussy than this.
I need some dry-ass pussy to make
some buttermilk biscuits, bitch!
Fuck you.
I need some dry-ass pussy with a
laryngitis voice, a ashy-ass voice.
"Yeah, you fucking with some."
Dry pussy sound like Katt Williams.
"You fucking with some dry."
I want that pussy to sound
like Katt Williams in...
"Yes, you fuckin'
with some dry-ass pussy.
Grab a mop and a bucket for it.
This dry-ass pussy, yeah!"
I'm Donnell Rawlings, y'all been great.
Peace!
Ladies and gentlemen, one more time
for Donnell Rawlings!
That nigga drop the mic like Kevin Hart
comin' out next.
Lift the mic up.
Littte last mic, lift it back up.
Son!
You sharp as a motherfucker tonight.
Thank you, sir.
Child support just went up 50%.
I love what you do.
I love how you get down.
I love how you move
and shake and bake.
What you working on right now?
What you got coming up?
Uh, currently, I'm on the new season
of BMF, which you was a part of.
- Yes, sir.
- Yes. My nigga.
And I will say this, man, you were
like a stand-up god, man.
My father passed away like two years ago
and my whole career
I've been tryin' to get my father to say
I'm the funniest motherfucker
he know, right?
He would not do it.
I remember one time, I said,
"Dad, who the funniest person you know?"
He said, "Man,
that motherfuckin' Snoop Doggy Dogg."
I was like, "Nigga!" And then,
when he passed away,
that's why I say you're a
real motherfucker, you respond to texts,
you respond to phone calls, I told you,
man, I just wanted to tell you this.
My father was a huge fan of yours.
I'm a huge fan of yours, man,
I appreciate you, brother.
Make some noise
for Donnell Rawlings, y'all!
Now this next comedian,
I call him
the Richard Pryor to my Goldie.
Some of you may know him
as Day-Day in Friday.
He's one of the straightest shooters
to come out of Indiana since Larry Bird.
I want you to give it up for my talented
friend, the one and only
Mike motherfuckin' Epps.
Oh yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Uh! Uh!
That's how lil' ol' me
be hittin' that thing right there.
Little ol' me ain't have that penny loafer
on that there motherfuckin' thing
right there, hit that little thing.
Spin that little thing 'round there,
spin that little thing.
Spin!
Y'all give it up for everybody.
Give it up for my nigga Snoop Dogg
for puttin' this together.
That nigga paid us all in weed.
"Yeah, cuz, I'm gonna get you two
pounds for this show here tonight."
Yeah, man, it's crazy out here!
Let me show y'all.
Let me show you niggas!
Let me show a nigga
what I got right quick.
Hit you in your motherfucking mouth
if you run up here, bitch.
E'erybody keep asking me what I would've
did if Will Smith would've smacked me.
I'd have said, I fell out
on the ground and held my face.
And said, "My neck and my back,
my back and my neck."
I'd have called Larry Parker
that same night.
And told him, "Nigga, I'd have woke up
look like Hitch the next day.
Whole side...
Whole side of my face did fell.
I got a car in the shop I'm trying to get
out, nigga, don't hit me."
It's a whole lot of white people in here.
It feel like I'm in court.
I got these tight-ass leather
vanity pants on.
Nuts screamin' in these motherfuckers!
That's why I'm walking like this on you.
Nigga, I can still do like that.
I was in Atlanta, man, I was in Atlanta,
man, at the strip club, man,
and ran into
my buddy's daughter.
It was the most awkward shit.
She said, "Don't tell nobody."
I said, "Don't you tell nobody.
Get over here!"
I told her, "Get over here!
I been watching you since you were 17.
Get over here!"
We goin' fishing next week.
I gotta break it to him.
There's a lot of white women in here.
You know, black men, they date white women
'cause they don't want to date their mama.
That's right, datin' a black woman's
like datin' your mama.
That's why OJ keep coming out,
and white bitches line up.
After he did'n did all that, white bitches
is still trying to get him.
White women ain't scared of shit.
You can tell a white woman
the devil's in there,
"Well, I want to talk to him!"
Like, "Go on in there, bitch,
if you want to talk to him.
Sit on his hot-ass lap."
I been actin' like I don't like
white people for a long time.
But it ain't real, you know what I mean?
I did ancestry.com.
I'm related to George Bush.
Can't you tell by the walk,
that cowboy walk?
One of them old men that walk like this
will fuck the shit out of you.
"Come here, young lady,
I wanna talk to you."
When you young, you don't know
who fucked your mama.
There'll be men,
"How's your mother doin'?"
"How the fuck do
you know my mother from?"
"Tell her Wayne said hello."
"Fuck you, Wayne!"
There's a lot of jealous men in here.
Ladies, don't date no jealous man,
you know what I mean? Shit.
Especially one of them men you be walkin'
with, and some dude say something to you,
and you hear, "Hey, hold up for a minute.
Hey, man, where you know
my woman from?"
"Well, we went to school together."
"Well, y'all ain't
in school no more, nigga!
Get in the car.
Get.
Get in the car.
Get in the car."
Now you hit the wrong woman that got
brothers, they gonna whoop yo' ass.
They comin' over the next day.
I seen a white man coming, I said, "Ah!
I'm going to jail!"
It's a white man!
It's these little Peter Pan boots
I got on right here.
Peter Pan!
I'm getting old now,
and I eat about five Tums a day.
I eat 'em like candy, I'm like,
"Hey, how you doin'? Argh."
Everything I eat burn.
Even pussy.
I was, "Ahh. I need a Tums."
I got a buddy, he got shot in the
stomach, he got a shit bag on, you know.
Yeah, he had a shit bag on,
but he still kept livin'.
But the nigga taught karate.
The nigga was a karate instructor.
I said, "You gotta take off work, man.
You're walkin' around with a shit bag."
He said,
"No, I gotta keep teachin' karate!"
Anyway, somebody did jump up did a
roundhouse and kicked the bag, "bam!"
Bag just splattered
all in the karate place.
Now the word is, "Big Tony got the shit
kicked out of him the other day
at the karate place."
Yeah, we in Los Angeles,
home of the Bloods and the Crips.
Gas so high, they ridin' together now.
"Go on, get out, cuz, get the gas,
get the gas!"
Shit. Yeah.
This motherfucker talked me into putting
this tight-ass wallet on tonight.
That's why them old men wear these pants,
'cause they dick print show.
And that's what women look for,
they bank roll and they dick print.
Yeah, I know y'all be seein' me
in the comedy thing, you know.
White people don't know me like that,
you know,
but niggas know me by Day-Day.
I don't give a fuck where I go.
"Day-Day." I'm like,
"Hey, nigga."
"Day-Day!"
I remember when I did my first movie,
I bought my mother a washer and dryer.
Yeah.
I tried to buy her a house.
She said, "No, you ain't fittin' to fuck
my little social security up
that I get every month.
You ain't gonna fuck my little
700 up that I get."
I said, "Mama, fuck them people and their
700." She said, "No, fuck your 700.
You don't fuck my little security up
that I do."
That's why I tell young women
all the time, "Don't fuck for free."
You ever fell in love with a nigga
and you out here fuckin' for free?
Don't fuck for free.
I ain't tellin' you to be a ho,
but don't fuck for free.
Them older women, if they give you
some of that old cat,
they gonna get some money
out of you.
Yeah, they done put that old cat on you
and put a pot roast on with some muffins.
You didn't watch Netflix?
You gonna give some money up out of there,
that's a package.
Soon as you come out that bathroom,
that old lady catch you in the hallway,
"I was wonderin' since it seem like
you had a nice time tonight,
that you would have it on your heart
to lay a few dollars on me,
so that I could get my hair done,
and nails,
and a few things
that I like to do for myself."
How you gonna tell this bitch no?
"Here, Mildred.
Take this motherfuckin' $500."
I'm Mike Epps. I love y'all, L.A.
You know what I'm saying?
Come on out, y'all, come on out,
Guy Torry.
Yeah.
One more time for everybody, y'all.
Come on, now.
I told y'all, it's a motherfuckin' family
reunion, y'all.
Make some motherfuckin' noise,
one time.
Hope y'all had a good time tonight.
Thank y'all for rockin' with us.
Katt Williams, DeRay Davis,
Melanie Comarcho,
Guy Torry, Donnell Rawlings,
and Mike Epps.
Snoop Dogg Netflix
Fuckin' Around Comedy Special,
you better ask somebody.
Hello!
Oh, baby, please
Don't ever leave me
Just stick with me, mama
Put your hand in mine
We can be together
through love and shelter
Our very last dime or last
meal or last sip of wine
Oooh, ooh ooh
Yes, we can
Come on, baby
We share a good thing together
Come on, baby
Together we can make
this journey
Together we can make this journey
Together we can make this journey
Together we can make this journey
Alright
It's gonna be alright...
for Snoop Dogg!
How you doing, California?
Everybody on your feet,
make some motherfuckin' noise!
One, two, three
and to the four
Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre
is at the door
Ready to make an entrance
So back on up
Gimme the microphone first,
So I can bust like a bubble
Compton and Long Beach
together
Now you know you in trouble
- 'Cause ain't nothin' but a G thang
- Baby
- Two loc'ed out niggas so we're
- Crazy
- And Death Row is the label that
- Pays me
We unfadeable, so please
Don't try to fade this
But, uh, back to the lecture at hand
Perfection is perfected
So I'ma let 'em understand
From a young G's perspective
And before me dig out a bitch
I have to find a contraceptive
You never know, she could be earnin'
Her man and learnin' her man
And at the same time
Burnin' her man
Now you know I ain't with that shit
Lieutenant
Ain't no pussy good enough to get burnt
While I'm up in it
And that's realer than
Real-Deal Holyfield
And now you hookers and hoes
Know how I feel
Well if it's good enough
to get broke off
A proper chunk
I'll take a small piece of
Some of that funky stuff
It's like this and like that
And like this and, uh...
Make some motherfuckin' noise!
We'd like to welcome y'all
to the Snoop Dogg Netflix
Fuckin' Around Comedy Special.
Brought to you by yours truly.
But before we start the show we want to
show some love to my DJ, my homeboy,
DJ Pooh on the ones and twos.
What's happenin' with it,
Hollywood, California?
We want y'all to have some fun tonight,
you know what I'm saying?
We want to make sure
y'all have a real good time.
DJ Pooh, we want to take it back tonight,
we want to take it way back so we can
make sure everyone's feeling good
about theyselves...
before these comedians come out
and start talking shit about y'all.
Now, we wanted to address a few things.
With all this drama and all this war going
on in the world, and, you know, people
rushing stages and gettin' their ass
kicked and all that kind of shit.
We just wanted to make sure to that
tonight is a fun night. It's safe.
And it's all about...
Love and happiness
Yes.
We want to spread love
and make sure that you're happy.
'Cause that's what tonight's all about:
comedians coming out, telling jokes,
you laugh and having a good time.
But if they what?
Hey, if they rush the stage tonight there
ain't gonna be no...
Love
So stay in your motherfuckin' seats,
so you don't get your ass kicked.
But right about now we want to spread
some love and some happiness, so
feel free to clap along
and sing this shit.
Hey!
Love and happiness
- Wait a minute
- Wait a minute.
I knew y'all was gonna sing that shit,
that's why I said, "Wait a minute."
We gonna have a lot of fun tonight.
That Al Green sample gonna cost
a lot of motherfuckin' money.
But don't trip.
Netflix gon' pay for it.
It's what they do.
Yeah, we got a live crowd here tonight.
Make some motherfuckin' noise
for being live tonight.
Yeah!
Real question: how many people
in the house tonight smoke weed?
How many people in the house tonight
high right now?
Well, how many people in the house tonight
on a natural high?
Well, we'd like to dedicate
this song to you.
We love the fact that you stay fly,
don't ask why,
and there's only one way to get by.
And tonight is your night to be you
and stay drug-free!
Yeah, I don't trust a motherfucker
that don't get high.
But anyway, I want y'all to sing along
with me one time for all the people that
don't do drugs, that don't drink.
I don't know if it's any of you
motherfuckers in here, but...
Take to the sky
On a natural high
Sing it if you ain't gettin' high tonight
You don't need to be singing
'cause you fucked up.
Lovin' you more
Okay.
It is some motherfuckers in here
on a natural high.
Or are all of y'all on a cocaine high?
It don't matter, fuck it,
we havin' fun tonight.
Now, I don't know if you guys know,
but uh,
I just acquired a label
called Death Row Records.
Yes, sir!
So what I wanna do right now, I just wanna
kinda, like, celebrate that moment,
'cause I've yet to do that
with anybody.
So, Haley, where you at, baby?
This is Haley, she'll be bringing me
things through the night.
- Thank you, baby.
- Oh, okay.
So, in the Death Row style fashion,
let's have a toast.
Yes, yes.
Anybody wanna get fucked up tonight?
Well, let me hear you say,
"I wanna get fucked up!"
I wanna get fucked up!
Everybody say, "I wanna get fucked up!"
I wanna get fucked up!
With so much drama in the L-B-C
It's kind of hard bein'
Snoop D-O-double-G
But I somehow, some way
Keep comin' up with
Funky-ass shit like every single day
May I, kick a little something
For the Gs and
Make a few ends
As I breeze through
Two in the mornin'
And the party's still jumpin'
'Cause my momma ain't home
I got bitches in the livin' room
Gettin' it on
- And they ain't leavin' 'til six in the
- Morn
So what you wanna do?
Shit I got a pocket full of rubbers
And my homeboys do too
So turn off the lights
And close the doors
- But, but what? Yeah
- We don't love them hoes
So we gonna smoke
A ounce to this
Gs up hoes down
While you motherfuckers bounce to this
Laidback,
with my mind on my money
And my money on my mind, y'all
Sippin' on gin and juice
Laidback,
With my mind on my money
And my money
On my motherfuckin' mind
Hey, Haley, Haley, can you come
get this drink?
This is just fruit punch, y'all ain't even
got no alcohol in this shit.
A little juice to get me loose.
Thank you.
Where the motherfuckin' ladies at?
Shout out to all of the beautiful ladies
in the house, first and foremost,
shoutout to my lovely wife,
Shante "Boss Lady" Broadus
is in the house.
And I want to give a shoutout to all
of the ladies that
got their eyelashes done tonight...
That went and got that make-up,
and that botox, and them laced fronts.
And even the ones with the Spanx on,
just holding it together.
And I got to give a shoutout to all the
natural women in the house tonight.
Yes, yes, we love it like that, too.
And a special shoutout to the ones that
got the Geoffrey Giraffe eyebrows,
out here trickin' niggas,
lookin' like Halle Berry in the club,
but waking up
in the morning like Chuck Berry.
Ladies, this is for you.
Go ahead.
If I... I give you the one
Thank you very much.
Okay, hold on, this ain't no goddamn
Anita Baker concert.
She got her masters back.
We're gonna have to pay her a whole
lot of money for that motherfucker.
We fittin' to get stuck up for that shit.
I love you, Nita.
Now tonight, we got some of the funniest
motherfuckers in comedy
comin' on the stage.
But I want y'all to know
where y'all at right now.
I don't know if y'all know where y'all at.
We're on Sunset Strip
and this is the spot
where Richard Pryor did his
Live on Sunset Strip comedy show.
Shoutout to the gold Richard Pryor,
rest in peace,
he was one of the funniest
to ever do it.
And since we in the presence of greatness
and this is a building that he graced,
I wanted to bring some of my favorite
comedians in here
that I've worked with
in the past.
So tonight,
we gonna showcase they skills.
I'm just gonna fuck around
and let them clown.
These are my friends, my family members,
my homies.
The first guy that reminds me of a...
the men that... that we looked up to,
growing up in the hood:
Pimps.
Yeah, I said it, pimps!
See one thing about a pimp, we loved the
way they talked, the way they walked,
the clothes they wore, the cars they
drove, they women, and they money.
The next player that I'ma bring
to the stage, he's a businessman,
he's an executive.
He's a Emmy-nominated actor.
His voice has been used in animation
'cause it's pimpin'.
It's so cold.
You understand me? I mean this is
the only cat that's a GOAT.
I said this is the only cat that's a GOAthat can smoke more dope
than the D-O-double-G.
I'm talking about the one and only...
Stand on your feet right now, make some
motherfuckin' noise for Cincinnati's own
Katt motherfuckin' Williams!
Thank you so much, I appreciate it.
'Preciate it.
Comedy is very, very dangerous these days,
you gotta stay on your motherfuckin'
pivot feet at all motherfuckin' times,
in case somebody,
anybody move.
We ready in case anybody
wanna tackle this,
you gonna have to be
a lucid motherfucker.
I just got off 13-year probation.
So that means I have no opinions
about Will Smith or Chris Rock.
I don't involve myself in nothing, even
this shit I see, I do not see.
Having said that...
you walk up here to slap me
and you put your hand way up here.
My job is to not be there when your hand
comes down, I know...
how agile I need to be.
I have the moves.
This is the Dark Ages, folks.
Look it up in history.
Any time people that tell the truth
is attacked,
that's called the Dark Ages.
When you can't say some shit,
'cause of how somebody might feel,
and they might whoop your ass.
That's the Wild, Wild West.
Gotta be very, very careful...
what it is you let happen.
We just had a whole election.
Something happened that changed the fabric
of the country, and we ain't say shit.
We traded in a crazy, deranged president
for Weekend at Bernie's.
Everything's upside down.
They lied to all of us.
They don't lie to some of us.
They lie to all of us about as much shit
as they possibly can,
and all we can do is just take it.
We ain't got to.
Sometimes you just got
to find out the truth.
Where's all the people that love ox tails?
Make some noise if you love ox tails.
First of all, that's a lot of y'all.
They are delicious. That is a fact.
I don't know why the fuck
y'all sounded so proud.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Y'all done drove the price
of that meat up,
neck and neck with pussy
across the country.
A hundred and sixteen dollars?
Bitch, what the fuck is in there?
If you love ox tails,
my job is not to judge the truth,
my job is just to find out the truth
and run back and fuckin' tell y'all.
If you love ox tails, here's the truth.
I've been around this country
for 17 100-city tours.
Take my word for this.
There are no oxes in America.
I know they're delicious.
But there are no oxes in America.
That's why
now that you thinkin' 'bout it...
You don't know nobody had an ox,
you ain't ever heard of nobody
with some oxes,
never seen an ox on Instagram,
you never seen a TikTok ox,
you ain't never seen an ox dealer.
Ox tail is delicious,
but think to yourself,
as much money as you done
touched in your life,
many celebration dinners
as you done had,
why did you stop at the tail?
You didn't ever want no ox steak?
Or no ox ribs?
Ain't nobody ever had an ox roast.
'Cause there ain't no motherfuckin' oxes.
The last ox in America was in 1936 owned
by a man named Paul Bunyan.
The ox's name was Babe,
that was the blue ox's name, exactly.
Fuck outta here.
So now, let me take you off the hook,
'cause some of y'all is wondering,
"What the fuck have we been eatin'?"
There ain't no oxes.
Just bulls.
They done cut the balls off a bull
and
then still tried to sell the meat.
But because there's a God,
if you cut off my balls
and try to sell off my meat,
you raggedy bitch,
you gonna find out I done poisoned
all this meat
with hatred
and anger and resentment.
Only my tail will be delicious
to remind you that you fucked up.
These are the truths
they hidin' from you.
I risk my life to tell y'all these truths.
I'ma tell you another one that'll...
they'll have me crucified
by the morning, watch.
All I gotta do is tell the truth.
Watch this one.
Wendy Williams is Big Foot.
There, I said it, it's out there, I can't
take it back! The bitch is Big Foot!
Every time she go on hiatus,
you see all types of sightings!
How you doing?
Shittin' in the woods.
That's the truth.
My name is Katt Williams, thank you
so much, ladies and gentlemen.
- You had to say it, you had to.
- You told me to say it.
- I didn't write that shit.
- Snoop wrote all of that.
I didn't write none
of the jokes for this show.
Hey, Big Foot, Sasquatch
did not come from me.
- I had nothing to do with it.
- Oh, no, that's just true.
That's just true.
So, Katt, they wanna know, um,
what was the first time me and you
encountered each other?
When we actually met.
Because I'm so motherfuckin' high
I can't remember.
Right.
No, no, that's because, um,
the first time that we met,
I wasn't famous so you couldn't remember
who the fuck I was.
'Cause I wasn't nobody, but...
you treated me nice and we had
a real, street level-type conversation
which was helpful to me.
And so the next time
that I saw you,
I was big enough for you
to know who I was,
and then I told you that I was gonna be
doing some work.
And I told you what the work was.
And then that's when you said,
"I'm gonna do it,"
which was, for me,
that one special
sold 25 million copies.
And, um, that was...
Yeah, that... that was...
that was,
that was due to association.
And so, you know we have, uh,
such a large history in Los Angeles,
- going from Death Row.
- Yeah.
To the new Death Row.
- Yeah.
- And I love you, Katt.
I love you for always... for always being
you and always being, you know,
a smart, brilliant, businessman.
That's what a lot of people
don't understand.
To tell these jokes you gotta be
smart and brilliant
'cause you gotta remember
all of that shit.
You gotta be able to, you know, be
repetitious with it at the same time
the fly, in case somebody,
like, jump outta pocket.
You gotta be able to have something
to say for them, too.
So, your brilliance as a businessman,
I respect that.
I tell niggas all the time when I came
over to see you one time and you was like,
"Nigga, I got a check from two years ago,
nigga, for three million dollars and
I ain't even spent it yet!"
And I'm like, "This nigga know how to hold
onto old checks and shit.
And they still be good."
Like, that shit
was brilliant to me,
'cause my checks bounce like
a motherfucker after the first week.
Hey, girls.
They over here just drinking
for free and shit.
As they should.
So, moving right along, to the next
comedian to hit the stage.
He's from Chicago.
Give it up for DeRay Davis.
Hello.
What's up, y'all?
Give it up for Snoop Dogg.
Give it up for Snoop Dogg.
Katt Williams, the nigga's over there
having a very rich nigga conversation.
I put this outfit on because of how the,
uh, state of comedy been lately.
I wanted a little more, you know,
look a little more thugged out on stage.
No.
But, I was in the back, nigga was like,
"You look like
Queen Latifah on Set it Off."
Stop laughin', white people.
It's a joke, motherfuckers.
I'm so happy to see Katt here.
Y'all have no idea.
I ain't seen that brother in so long.
That's... that's one of my idols, man.
I got to see two of my idols, man.
It's pretty fuckin' cool, man.
Shit too sensitive.
We need Katt.
We need those kind of comedians,
man, shit too sensitive,
you can't even play no more.
I used to joke around,
I can't even joke no more.
I used to play with racism, you can't even
play with racism no more.
You can't even play... I used to go to
the dog park and pretend I lost my dog.
And I had white people
help me look for him.
And I be like, "His name Nigga."
Like, "Nigga! Call him."
"You don't like dogs?"
- "I mean, it's the..."
- "Nigga!
Nigga, please!"
You look good!
I look good?
Thank you.
You wanna do it?
The women always bullshit.
That wasn't a real answer.
You know, like,
I said, "You wanna do it?"
"Ow!"
Now we at my house and shit, I'm like,
"You said we gon' fuck?"
All I said was, "Ow!"
You got to be careful.
You got to watch the women in the club
that pretend they wanna fuck.
That's the scary part, in the club,
'cause you really don't know.
They all on you, they getting your drinks
and shit and you...
and you looking at your homies,
like, "Oh, she wanna fuck!"
Don't trust 'em, fellas,
soon as a woman get outside
and the wind hit her eyelashes,
she sober as hell.
"It was really nice meeting you."
"It was so cool."
What the fuck goin' on?
I was talkin' to this one girl,
this bitch jumped in the moving car,
she was like "Bye!"
I'm like "How the fuck?"
How the fuck did they time that so good?
The ladies havin' a good time down there.
Havin' a good time.
You are.
Hard on everybody.
The women was marching a long time ago.
Everybody marchin',
everybody got a fuckin' group,
and that's the problem with comedy.
'Cause women try to defend motherfucker,
we talkin' bout shit that
we've been through.
We talkin' about... well you might talk
about a motherfucker
that's tryin' to roast them.
You just tell 'em 'bout some shit.
You don't want to offend nobody.
But everybody offended,
everybody got a group.
Then you get cancer.
I see a little boy walkin' on the street,
he fell, I started laughin', he stood up,
"You laughin' at the fallen children
of America?" "Nigga, no, I just...
You fell, I laughed right after that."
And everybody got their horror, man.
The LGBTQ,
they go through it all the time.
Black Lives Matter consistently,
regardless if you see it or not.
Go through it,
I can understand them marches.
But there's people that go through
other shit and we never care about them.
Their whole life they've been
going through this shit
and nobody ever
gave a fuck.
They never stood up for themselves
or nothin'. It's fucked up.
The ugly people.
They don't get no...
Claire Cobham just said,
"Thank you!" right now.
Ugly people never get offended
by bullshit.
You never see two cute people arguin', and
one of them call each other, "You ugly!"
And the ugly person stand up, "You ain't
gon' keep throwin' that word around!"
Ugly people are always in denial, too.
They don't know.
They don't want to be ugly.
You could be with your ugly-ass friend.
They could be a million
ugly-nigga march tomorrow.
You could turn to your boy like, "Hey.
I heard y'all got a march tomorrow."
He'd be like,
"Nigga, who got a march?"
The dumb...
The number one thing ugly dudes
always say, "I get bitches."
It's hard on men.
We can't just hustle.
Pretty women can just hustle, it's easy
for pretty women a lot of times.
All women, a lot of times.
Y'all take it for granted.
Like right now, every woman in here right
now could quit her job tonight
and be a stripper tomorrow.
Every woman in here!
And if you think your woman won't,
trust me,
your woman been riding in the car with
her girl from before,
they ride past your club, they look
at each other, they don't say it,
but they say it, be like,
"Bitch, I... Bitch, you know if I...
I, if I wanted, I...
I don't wanna..."
They don't ever say it out loud 'cause
they don't know who's listening.
But every woman in here could strip
if she want to.
Some women are lookin' at other women
and hatin': "Not her," "Yes, her."
Trust me, unfortunately,
I've been some places.
I went to one strip club, all the bitches
walk around with they own pole.
"You want a dance, nigga?"
"Damn, anybody wanna joust?"
I'm not hatin.
I'm sayin' men can't do that!
As much as we talk shit,
men can't do that shit.
Men can't dance, we can't go...
There's no strip club for us,
there's no hustle for men.
No man ever got out of high school,
first thing they say is,
"Let's go down to Miami
and get this money." It never happened.
You never worry
about a young man stripping.
Your family never worried
about you stripping.
You ain't never been nowhere
and your uncle pulls you to the side,
"Come here, nigga!
Come here.
Now I don't care how bad it get,
I don't wanna see you on that pole!
You understand me?" Never.
'Cause nobody cares
about male strip clubs, they don't exist.
I did a movie called "Chocolate City".
That shit ain't real.
There ain't no male strip clubs.
Yeah, they got male stripper reviews
like in Vegas they do, the, whatever,
the Australian shit, but ain't no regular
male strip clubs, ain't no hustle for us.
Ain't no Dick of Diamonds.
One male stripper never runs into another
one, "Hey, man, you work at DOD?"
He be like, "No, I'm just dancing to get
through, uh, real estate school, nigga."
No.
Women can do it 'cause women
got shit men want to see.
So they capitalize on it.
They got shit we want to see.
Women got special ass moves.
One cheek, two cheek, both cheek, clap.
Ain't no special penis move.
You never go to the male strip club, a
nigga throw his dick around the pole.
Flamo with no hands.
"Oh, shit, look at the centipede
on that nigga!
He doin' the dick drop of death.
Trap twice, survive once."
You don't see that shit.
Women know they ass nice.
Y'all communicate with the clap.
Women celebrate with the clap.
Ass claps see each other,
they don't even gotta know each other,
and women celebrate each other.
Two women, it could be her birthday, she
don't even fuckin' know her over there.
"It's yo' birthday?
Bitch, it's my birthday!
Twerk, twerk, twerk.
It's yo birthday, bitch? It's yo birthday?
Your birthday, my birthday, bitch!
Twerk, twerk, twerk."
Ain't no way in the world I see him
out there, "It's your birthday?
Man, my birth..., nigga, cock clap,
cock clap.
Cock clap real quick.
Cock. Clap. Don't stop."
You never go to the club and see four
niggas cock clappin' in the corner.
Wardin' off girls, "Get the fuck
outta here, we tryin' to celebrate."
Clock, nigga, bump.
And if ladies don't like they bodies,
it's up to you.
We livin' in weird times now.
You know, natural bodies go
against other bodies.
You don't know
why people got their bodies done.
Okay, it's none of our business.
We get it.
None of our business, but be safe when you
gettin' shit done. It's up to you.
But men?
Fuck that.
You can't do that shit.
Men ain't doin' that.
I don't give a fuck what you been readin'.
Ain't no man out there
getting' they dick did.
And when they walk past their friend,
"Hey, is that a new dick job?"
"Yeah, I went down to Colombia.
- I got a dick lift and a nut tuck."
- "Nigga, what?"
- "Dick lift, nut tuck."
- "Nigga, what?"
- "They took some out of my knee."
- "Get the fuck out here."
"They took some of my knee,
a little nipple for sensitivity."
Yo, get...
You never go to the club
and see your boy walk in the club,
he actin' different,
just got his dick did.
"What's up, niggas?"
"Man, fuck yo' fake-dick ass."
"Y'all mad, y'all mad."
Your legs don't match.
If a man got their penis did,
women wanna know.
Women want to know what's in it, 'cause
women care about themselves down there.
Woman don't fuck with certain dyes,
certain materials, certain...
anything that irritate them,
"What the fuck is in yo' fake dick?
Everything don't agree with me."
But men, hmm-mm.
No standards, men don't give a fuck
'bout some fake titties.
Men don't care what's in fake ass.
Never been with a girl
with a fake ass,
like "Hold up, wait.
It got glucose in it?
Peanuts? I'm allergic to..."
Man, if I had a girl with
a big, fake ass, I ain't give a fuck.
She like, "DeRay, spank me,
you ain't sayin' shit."
Like, "Spank me, boy,
you ain't saying shit, girl."
She's like, "You ain't going to spank me?"
I was like, "Bitch, I just did."
You ain't feel it
'cause it's big, fake ass.
I started smacking only real shit.
Give me that neck.
"Ah!"
"Ear. Jaw. Ankle. Bob it.
Neck. Ear. Ankle.
Bop it.
Side." "Ow!"
"Neck. Ankle. Bop it."
She said, "Pull my hair."
I started diggin' through her weave.
I kept digging
until I got to that circular braid.
I pulled that shit.
"Fuck wrong with you?"
You said, "Pull your hair,
I'm pulling your hair, bitch!"
Neck. Bop it.
I'm DeRay Davis, and
I fucked with y'all heavy.
DeRay motherfuckin' Davis.
They know, they know you gettin' it.
Snoop Dogg, y'all!
Snoop Dogg in the building.
- De... motherfuckin' Ray.
- Oh shit, it's an honor, Snoop.
Come on, cat.
It's an honor, nigga!
I know all your lyrics, my nigga.
For real?
Yeah, what you wanna do?
- Oh, you the one, oh, knee dick.
- My favorite shit!
Let it Out, my favorite Snoop record.
- For real?
- Yeah, that's my shit.
I wish I knew how that shit went,
I be so high, I be forgettin'
- half the songs I wrote.
- Ain't that about a bitch?
No, for real, some of my songs,
I gotta have a teleprompter
so I can remember
the words and shit.
No. No, fuck that shit, Snoop, I got
a Snoop story for you real quick.
- Talk to me.
- We not makin' this up.
On God. I'm... I'm... it's funny,
he just said this shit.
You had a video shoot, I forgot whose song
it was, but Lil' Jon was there.
His son was young in there.
His son kept eatin' all the fuckin'
peanut butter-jam sandwiches.
So while Lil' Jon was doin' the video,
Lil' Jon's son was taking advantage
of the fuckin' crafty, fuckin' it up.
Snoop doin' the song.
The whole time Snoop doin' the song,
he keep turnin' around.
And I was like, "Damn, that nigga got
little moves to this shit." I said,
"That's a cool move you did." That nigga
said, "Nah, I forgot my lyrics.
I was lookin' at 'em."
He had a piece of paper in his hand.
- It's hip-hop.
- True story, y'all.
It's hip-hop,
you gotta have cheat notes, man.
Shit. I mean,
you gotta do what you gotta do.
Ya dig?
Chi-town, though.
- Chi-city.
- Chi-town.
- Chi-city?
- Yep. Chi-town for life, baby.
Chi-town for life. How long...
How long you been out here in California?
- Here?
- Yeah.
Man, I don't live here.
You gotta say that 'cause side bitches
be thinkin' I live somewhere.
No, no, I've been out here since
I think Barber Shop, my first movie.
That's when I first...
we actually filmed it in Chicago.
Yeah. Yeah.
And, uh, that year, that year I was like,
"Let me make the move back and forth."
But I always kept my home in Chicago.
I always kept my house there.
So when Hollywood done with me,
I get to go home, cut my grass.
- Love it.
- Check on my shit,
you know what I'm saying?
What I want to know is...
is your relationship
with Kanye West still the same?
How...?
No, he divorced me too.
- I seen you in the documentary.
- No, no.
My relationship with Kanye's music
is the same,
cause I'm always remember
the genius he is,
I'm always thinking about that person.
A lot of times we forget,
as we watchin' people grow up,
that they actually humans
and they go through shit.
- Right.
- And everybody,
like you got friends that's not exactly
where they supposed to be mentally,
but they still doin' well in life.
We know doctors who go through shit, we
know lawyers who go through shit, rappers,
- y'all just get it so bad...
- Yes.
...'cause y'all got the platform y'all on.
But, nigga, hurt and love
is a whole different thing no matter
who the fuck you is.
- Right.
- So...
I wish them both the best, though,
everybody, they all rich as fuck.
They can ease past somebody who
look like the motherfucker they with now.
Chi-town representin'
in the motherfuckin' house.
- Yes, thank y'all.
- Yeah.
- We love you, nigga, real shit.
- Thank you for the marijuana.
Yeah. Go and get out, nigga.
I got one rolled for you right here.
- This shit right here.
- This rolled for me?
- That shit right there.
- This looks healthy.
That shit right there's the one,
not the two.
Put some fire on that bitch.
Oh, shit, where the fuckin' lighter at,
nigga?
Right there. Get busy.
I don't usually smoke weed on
motherfuckin', um... yes, I do.
This is a Snoop Dogg Netflix production.
It's called "Fuckin' Around."
We just fuckin' around. You know,
we got some beautiful people in the house
tonight that came out to have a good time.
It's time to bring the next motherfuckin'
comedian out.
Everybody can say that Snoop Dogg
is their favorite uncle, right?
Well this next comedian would be
considered as your favorite auntie.
She will fight for you, she will ride
for you, she would die for you.
She'll even set a nigga up for you.
I'm talkin' 'bout the one and only
Melanie Comarcho.
How y'all doing?
All the ladies in the house say "Ow!"
Ow!
Yeah, we so hot right now,
men want to be us, y'all.
We ain't just makin' moves,
we makin' history, y'all.
The vice-president of the United States:
Ms. Kamala Harris. A woman.
Y'all better make some noise.
The fire chief of L.A. County,
Kristin Crowley, is a woman.
Make some noise.
And we won't even go into Ketanji Brown
Jackson, Supreme Court Justice.
Ooh!
And then there's me, Melanie Comarcho, who
just wrote, directed, edited, and scored
her first film, y'all, Boosters L.A.
That's right, there's power in pussy.
You better ask somebody.
You know what I know. All the ladies
in the house say "Hello."
Hello.
Yeah. So when I say "ladies" I need y'all
to say "hello," 'cause
time's hard
for the single lady right now.
- Ladies.
- Hello.
Girl, they say there's a man shortage.
There ain't no man shortage.
I was in downtown L.A. the other day.
There's men laying all on the ground.
We gotta get you a fixer-upper.
That's where we at right now.
You ain't going to find a man with a job,
a car, his own place, and good dick too.
You a dreamer.
Ain't no such thing, girl.
Times hard right now.
You ain't gonna find none of that.
If you get two out of three of that,
pat yourself on the back. You winnin'!
Oh my God, it's bad for us.
We on the internet looking for love.
What kind of bullshit is that?
I went to Christian Mingles, wasn't
nothing but heathens on that website.
Ended up in Plenty of Fish, wasn't nothing
but barracudas and octopuses on that.
Ended up on meetblindpeople.com, y'all.
Yeah, that's okay, laugh if you want to,
but I got me a good blind man.
We go everywhere together.
He ain't got no dog and I took the cane,
so it's my way or the highway.
He gonna try to break up
with me at my house.
Please, he's still tryin' to find
his way out. I wish I would.
I wish I would.
It's hard out here.
Relationships ain't
what they used to be, man.
Communication is the biggest problem.
Ladies?
Hello?
People don't talk no more.
All we do is text. Text, text, text.
I ain't got a booty call in six months
but I got a dick text yesterday.
Just gonna send me a dick in a text.
It wasn't even nothin' romantic:
"Want some?"
I cussed his ass out and was
like, "Hell yeah, I want some!" Shit.
It was beautiful. Circumcised,
all one color, no bumps, hard.
Bring that over.
Everybody want a hard one. Ladies?
Hell yeah, girl.
I don't know whose dick he text,
but it wasn't the one he brought over.
That is not the same dick, no, no, no.
That ain't even hard!
Look at this, look at that.
He talkin' about he was hard
on the way over.
Well, get back in the car.
You drive around til it look like this
text, that's when you pull in my driveway.
- Don't nobody want no damn noodle. Ladies?
- No!
Ain't want no goddamn noodle dick, please.
And they don't even care
if it ain't workin', do they?
Nope.
They'll stuff it in yo' womb.
Oh, every woman in here done been stuffed.
Don't play dumb with me.
If you know what I know,
all the ladies in the house say "hello."
Hello.
Oh yeah, you know, you might get stuffed
tonight, the way it's going.
Keep drinking, keep drinking,
see what happens.
Oh.
If they ain't stuffin', they done took
a pill and lyin' about it.
"Yeah right, I ain't take nothing."
"You took something!"
Shit, I went to sleep and woke up
and he was still at it.
I'm like "Ni..."
I don't know what you took,
but whatever it is,
you break that shit in half
before you come back over here again.
Don't want no goddamn
two hours' worth of dick. Ladies?
Hello.
We don't want two hours.
An hour, maybe, and ten minutes of that
better be eatin' some pussy.
- Hello?
- Hello.
Just 'cause you eat me don't mean
I'm doing your ass, do it?
Hello.
'Cause they nasty, a lot of them
don't even wipe good.
Girl, they be havin' skid marks
in the back of their drawers.
Gon' tell me that was sweat.
What you sweat, chocolate?
That was poo-poo right there.
I know poo-poo from chocolate.
Ew.
I don't know what the problem is,
it ain't rocket science.
Just wipe until there ain't
no more brown stuff.
You can look.
Wipe and look.
They wanna act like it's a credit card,
they swipe and go.
You ready?
You ready?
Why you got that brown mark
on the back of your damn drawers?
I don't know why y'all just don't wear
panty liners my damn self.
- Ladies?
- Hello.
Yeah, get you a damn panty.
Look at the men thinking about it.
Look at them, look at them.
Like, shit.
Count your panty liners tomorrow.
I bet one's missing.
I bet you one's missing.
Somebody gonna try that shit.
Tell me, if it wasn't for good dick,
I'd have gave up on y'all asses
a long time ago.
- Ladies?
- Hello.
It ain't too many of them out there,
but hey to the ones that is, hey.
Only thing about good dick,
it ain't got no car.
You gotta go pick up good dick.
Ain't that some bullshit?
You be mad, but you be drivin'.
"This the last time."
You guys have been absolutely fantastic.
They givin' me a light,
and I just wanted to give y'all
a little of this
black girl magic.
Somebody make some noise
for Melanie Comarcho.
Oh, this like my brother
from another mother.
- I been knowin' this man for years.
- Yes, yes.
I'm from Inglewood.
He from Long Beach.
Oh, man.
You know, I love me some Snoop,
but I love me some Shante,
- the "Boss Lady" his wife? Oh, my God.
- Yes, sir.
She need to be a damn comedian.
This girl be having me rolling
on the goddamn floor.
You need to be on this goddamn stage
right now, that's where you need to be.
Yo ass is funny!
I love you and I thank you,
any time and every time we call you,
you show up and show out.
When they said you was available
to come do this,
I was definitely honored to have
you be here.
You made it happen, Snoop,
and I thank you.
When Snoop said, "They need a lady on
the show, let's go get Melanie Comarcho,"
so I love you for life for that.
Love you too, sis.
Yeah.
Your favorite uncle and
your favorite auntie.
- That's right.
- You dig?
Now this next comedian right here,
I was in a movie with him.
It was a bullshit movie.
It's called The Ride for those of you
that have yet to see it,
I'd advise you don't see
the motherfucker.
But you've seen him
in extraordinary movies after that.
I mean he's a great
actor/comedian.
You seen him
in movies like Life,
American History X,
and he's also the creator
of Phat Tuesdays,
one of the greatest comedy events that
was ever put on in the comedy world.
I'm talking about the one and only,
from St. Louis,
my guy, your guy, Guy Torry.
What up, Hollywood?
Yeah, I had to change my microphone.
Goddamn, a lot of dick, pussy, and weed
on that goddamn mic.
I'm a germaphobe, man.
What's up, good to see your
naked faces out here!
Masks off!
White people, y'all was happy as fuck
there is no masks anymore,
y'all was happy
as fuck. Boy...
I was on a plane the other day,
white people was crip walkin' on the
plane, "Ah! No masks!"
Fuck that shit. Man, y'all... y'all,
white people was so happy,
you'd thought they sent niggas back
to Africa, goddammit.
They was happy as hell.
I was sitting there with my mask on.
I was like "I don't give a fuck." I'm the
only one on the flight with my mask on.
They looked at me like
I took my dick out in church.
"Uh!" I'm a germaphobe,
I ain't gonna lie now.
COVID got me being a germaphobe.
I thought germaphobes was... was crazy.
I dated this chick who was a germaphobe.
Extreme germaphobe.
Every time we go out to dinner,
she order hot water and lemon.
Take the silverware and soak it the damn
hot water and then wipe it off with lemon.
First time she went to suck my dick she
stood there with hot water and lemon, like
"No, bitch.
I ain't sticking my dick
in that hot-ass water,
You ain't rubbin' lemon
on my damn dick."
That's how I get fruity dick.
No, I don't want... You ain't messin'
with my goddam balls, fuck that!
Not today.
Who's vaccinated in here?
Vaccinated, clap your hands.
Clap your hands if you're vaccinated.
Vaccinated people, quit acting
like you're better
than unvaccinated people,
goddammit.
Quit walking around asking,
"Are you vaccinated?
Are you vaccinated?
Are you vaccinated?
What you got? Moderna? Moderna?
You got Pfizer.
Oh, I got Pfizer.
You got Moderna?" Fuck y'all, alright?
I know y'all wondering what I got.
Oh, what's your status?
Oh, I took my first shot.
I took my first shot, yep.
I'm taking my second shot right now,
goddammit.
And they say you need your booster,
goddammit, here's my booster, bitch!
COVID, man.
My mama vaccinated.
My mother's 84 years old,
she's vaccinated.
Hasn't been to the doctor in 20 years
and she's vaccinated.
I call my mama up, "Hey Mama, I want
to come see you, I miss you, I love you.
- I just want a hug."
- "Are you vaccinated?
Are you vaccinated?
You not comin' to the house
unless you vaccinated."
"Bitch, I bought that house!
You can be 'evixxinated' from it
real goddam quick."
I didn't say "bitch," I didn't say
"bitch," I thought it though,
I thought it.
I got a black mama.
You don't talk
to the black moms like that.
Now, white people, y'all...
y'all different.
Y'all cuss y'all mom out.
"Fuck you, Mom!
You fucking whore,
you're such a fucking cunt, Mom!"
"Sarah!
What has gotten into you?
Wait 'til your father gets home."
Black moms can't say that.
"Wait 'til your father... Oh, he ain't
been home since '05, goddammit."
COVID! Who caught COVID?
Clap your hands if you caught COVID,
goddammit. Clap your hands.
Come on, there's more niggas
that caught COVID.
Y'all lyin' like hell.
I had it!
I had COVID, yep.
Caught it from my Mexican friend.
God damn right.
We should've built the goddam wall.
I got it from my Mexi-damn friend.
It was the night the Dodgers won
the World Series.
Motherfuckers, y'all was celebratin',
Mexicans are like, "Arrayayayaya!
Rayayaya!" I went outside to see
what was goin' on, "Rayayayaya,"
one of them cheekies went airborne
and landed on my goddam lip.
And when there's something on your lip,
what do you do? Umh...
Three days later, like VD,
I got the goddam COVID.
Fucked me up, man.
I thought I was gonna die.
I thought I was gonna die.
COVID fucked me up, man.
I was half-naked the whole time
I had COVID.
I had on no socks, no shoes,
no drawers, no pants.
Just a white T-shirt with yellow rings
around the goddamn armpit.
And when you have COVID, it give you
diarrhea and it make you throw up.
I was shitting and throwing up
at the same time. Ah!
It was like I was in a COVID gangbang.
Ah!
It fucked me up, man.
I grabbed my Bible, I started praying to
God, 'cause I thought I was gonna die.
And when you on your deathbed, man, you
pray to God like, like, like, like, like...
it's no... you lie to God!
I was making up shit,
I had a ten COVID commandments.
"I'm sorry, Lord,
I ain't gonna cuss no more.
No more alcohol, Lord,
no more porn,
I ain't gonna eat my meat,
I ain't gonna beat my meat,
Lord, I'm done!"
I was scared, man,
'cause I'm 53!
53 years old!
Covid was killin' niggas in their 50s.
Yes! I know, white people, you look at me,
I'm like, "Gosh, you look great." I know!
I'm Black, goddammit.
We age well!
We age well!
We age well!
You know that sayin', Black don't crack?
Black don't crack.
Now we may smoke it, sell it,
and get arrested for it,
but we don't do it!
White people, y'all don't age well.
Y'all age horribly.
Like, horribly.
Like, horribly!
Especially white men, y'all age
like organic fruit from Whole Foods.
That'll be green on Monday,
brown on Wednesday,
all rotten by Friday, goddammit.
My man right here. Look. Stand up, sir.
Stand up, sir.
Stand up, there you go.
Give him a round of applause.
Give him a round of applause.
Thirteen.
That motherfucker 13 years old.
Look at my man right here.
Stand up, sir.
Stand up, sir.
Right here, yeah, stand up, sir.
Give him a round of applause.
Stand up, turn around, let them see.
97.97 years old.
Where my Latinos in the house?
My Latin men.
Stand up, sir, stand up, sir.
Stand up, right there.
Look at him, 103.
Black don't crack
and beige don't age, goddammit.
Y'all been good, I thank y'all so much,
man, Netflix is a Joke.
God bless y'all, I'm Guy Torry.
My guy, your guy, give it up one more time
for Guy motherfuckin' Torry!
What up, boy?
I'm all good, what's happenin' with it?
This shit is ghetto as a motherfucker.
Nigga been over here smokin' and shit.
Playin' the fuck around
and got me drunk, too.
Hey, I... I been drunk.
For real?
I don't drink, though.
I drink.
I drink, smoke cigars... suck titties.
That's what keeps me young.
Titties and tequila, goddammit.
Guy, Phat Tuesdays, man, congratulations
on being considered for an Emmy.
Appreciate that.
- Great shit.
- 'Preciate that.
Great job you did with that.
So, what's your plans now?
What you doing next?
Man, Phat Tuesdays, man,
is gonna be Obese Tuesdays, man.
We got more brands comin'
under that label, man,
- so...
- That's good.
It's cats like Katt Williams and
Melanie Comarcho and DeRay Davis, man,
who came through and ripped it
and made Phat Tuesdays what it was.
So I appreciate, you know, them coming
through and making Phat Tuesdays
one of the biggest nights
in the history of comedy.
Love and a baby,
that's what I'm talkin' about.
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
That's what we do it for, we do it
to show love, y'all, like I said.
This is all my family members,
so this is like a light-weight family
reunion for me.
For us to have fun tonight,
listen to these great comedians,
get y'all entertained.
So, next up to bat
is a comedian from DC.
The go-go town.
Chocolate City.
And he is a funny motherfucker.
I mean, this is one of my peoples.
In real life, we got a real relationship.
We talk to each other away
from being on screen together.
- Some of you may know him as Ashy Larry.
- Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to stand
on your feet and make some noise
for my guy, Donnell Rawlings.
I know what the fuck y'all sayin'.
"Fuck is Ashy Larry doin'
with a motherfuckin' suit on?"
I'm rich, bitch!
I'm going from ashy to classy, nigga!
I got the same suit Chris Rock
got smacked on.
That's why you can't wear
no suit on stage.
That nigga Chris Rock got smacked
and fixed his button.
Y'all said what Will said.
"Pow!" that nigga said.
Wow.
Who the fuck gets smacked
and get dressed at the same time?
What did the five fingers say to the face?
Pow!
I wanna shout out Anderson .Paak
and fuckin' Bruno Mars for coming up
with the toxic relationship
song of the year:
"Smokin' Out the Window".
I know nothin' about that song,
the only word I know is "This bitch!"
That's the only part of that song:
"This bitch...
got me payin' her rent,
payin' for shit.
Diamonds on her neck,
diamonds on her wrist.
And here I am all alone!"
I just, what?
"This bitch!"
That nigga sounds like,
"This bitch right here.
"This! This bitch!"
That nigga said that shit like he been
wantin' to say that shit for years
and kept it in.
He was just like, "Oh, I ain't gonna kill
this bitch, I ain't gonna kill her!"
Somebody said, "How you and Tanya doin'?"
"This! Bitch!"
Toxic relationship.
Only time you're in a toxic relationship
is when the pussy is fire.
You ever see a nigga argue with a bitch,
they got some whack-ass pussy?
Never!
That bitch be leavin', come back,
"I'm back!"
"Bitch, I ain't even know you left."
Fuck outta here
with that terrible-ass pussy.
Now WAP is what get motherfuckers
in toxic relationship.
Look, there go the bitches
with the WAP, right there.
If you don't know WAP is,
niggas lookin like they don't know
the fuck I'm talkin' about.
Certified freak!
Seven days a week!
"Wet-ass pussy" make
that pull-out game weak.
You fuckin' with some wet-ass pussy.
Megan Thee Stallion
came on the track,
I thought I was listenin'
to a female E-40.
That bitch sayin', "Swallow me, gotta be,
zip, wow, wow, wow.
"Swallow me, gotta be, zip, wow, wow, wow.
Swallow allow allow allow me gotta be."
Ask for a car
while you ride that dick!
Girl, you better get that car
before I bust a nut, bitch.
'Cause I got nothin'.
I don't give a fuck how you get on, bitch.
There's a bird in the back,
get on that bird.
Wet-ass pussy!
Grab a mop!
White men, are you listening
to me right now?
Grab a mop and a bucket
for this wet-ass pussy!
A mop and a bucket?
Bitch, your water broke,
you pregnant, bitch!
That baby 'bout to crown out that pussy.
That pussy is wet!
Sir, you been around some
wet-ass pussy, right?
Imagine this, you gettin' the pussy wet.
Right? You like this.
Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba.
I don't know how you do it, nigga,
that's how I do it.
Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba.
I don't make no eye contact, nigga,
I don't even look at the bitch.
Ba ba ba, bap, bap bap bap...
I'm Michael Jackson.
You gettin' the pussy wet, you doin' this.
I don't know.
I got another move, it's called
"the gunshot." Look at me, nigga.
You take your... take your hand,
make it look like a gun,
then you hit the pussy
like this. Pow! Pow!
Like you in Long Beach, a drive-by.
Pow, pow!
You hit that pussy like that.
Pow!
Pow!
I got this 'nother move, it's for you, you
an old nigga, "the nano-nano," nigga.
Hit that shit like this,
"Nano, nano!
Badabababa." Imagine you doin'
all these moves, "Fap!
Wada-bat-bat! Nano, nano!"
And all a sudden, you like, "Fuck.
Jesus.
I need a mop and a bucket.
Oh, a mop and a bucket, right here. Whew."
That pussy's wet!
Another fun fact you might not know
about this pussy, sir,
this pussy don't even have a job!
Cardi B sayin', "I don't cook!
I don't clean!
But let me tell you how I got this ring."
You guessed it.
Wet-ass pussy.
I was like, "Wait a minute, bitch.
You don't cook or clean?"
I was like, "Uh..."
I don't know about that.
I'm old, bitch. I get hungry.
Fuck yo' wet-ass pussy,
I need a drier pussy than this.
I need some dry-ass pussy to make
some buttermilk biscuits, bitch!
Fuck you.
I need some dry-ass pussy with a
laryngitis voice, a ashy-ass voice.
"Yeah, you fucking with some."
Dry pussy sound like Katt Williams.
"You fucking with some dry."
I want that pussy to sound
like Katt Williams in...
"Yes, you fuckin'
with some dry-ass pussy.
Grab a mop and a bucket for it.
This dry-ass pussy, yeah!"
I'm Donnell Rawlings, y'all been great.
Peace!
Ladies and gentlemen, one more time
for Donnell Rawlings!
That nigga drop the mic like Kevin Hart
comin' out next.
Lift the mic up.
Littte last mic, lift it back up.
Son!
You sharp as a motherfucker tonight.
Thank you, sir.
Child support just went up 50%.
I love what you do.
I love how you get down.
I love how you move
and shake and bake.
What you working on right now?
What you got coming up?
Uh, currently, I'm on the new season
of BMF, which you was a part of.
- Yes, sir.
- Yes. My nigga.
And I will say this, man, you were
like a stand-up god, man.
My father passed away like two years ago
and my whole career
I've been tryin' to get my father to say
I'm the funniest motherfucker
he know, right?
He would not do it.
I remember one time, I said,
"Dad, who the funniest person you know?"
He said, "Man,
that motherfuckin' Snoop Doggy Dogg."
I was like, "Nigga!" And then,
when he passed away,
that's why I say you're a
real motherfucker, you respond to texts,
you respond to phone calls, I told you,
man, I just wanted to tell you this.
My father was a huge fan of yours.
I'm a huge fan of yours, man,
I appreciate you, brother.
Make some noise
for Donnell Rawlings, y'all!
Now this next comedian,
I call him
the Richard Pryor to my Goldie.
Some of you may know him
as Day-Day in Friday.
He's one of the straightest shooters
to come out of Indiana since Larry Bird.
I want you to give it up for my talented
friend, the one and only
Mike motherfuckin' Epps.
Oh yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Uh! Uh!
That's how lil' ol' me
be hittin' that thing right there.
Little ol' me ain't have that penny loafer
on that there motherfuckin' thing
right there, hit that little thing.
Spin that little thing 'round there,
spin that little thing.
Spin!
Y'all give it up for everybody.
Give it up for my nigga Snoop Dogg
for puttin' this together.
That nigga paid us all in weed.
"Yeah, cuz, I'm gonna get you two
pounds for this show here tonight."
Yeah, man, it's crazy out here!
Let me show y'all.
Let me show you niggas!
Let me show a nigga
what I got right quick.
Hit you in your motherfucking mouth
if you run up here, bitch.
E'erybody keep asking me what I would've
did if Will Smith would've smacked me.
I'd have said, I fell out
on the ground and held my face.
And said, "My neck and my back,
my back and my neck."
I'd have called Larry Parker
that same night.
And told him, "Nigga, I'd have woke up
look like Hitch the next day.
Whole side...
Whole side of my face did fell.
I got a car in the shop I'm trying to get
out, nigga, don't hit me."
It's a whole lot of white people in here.
It feel like I'm in court.
I got these tight-ass leather
vanity pants on.
Nuts screamin' in these motherfuckers!
That's why I'm walking like this on you.
Nigga, I can still do like that.
I was in Atlanta, man, I was in Atlanta,
man, at the strip club, man,
and ran into
my buddy's daughter.
It was the most awkward shit.
She said, "Don't tell nobody."
I said, "Don't you tell nobody.
Get over here!"
I told her, "Get over here!
I been watching you since you were 17.
Get over here!"
We goin' fishing next week.
I gotta break it to him.
There's a lot of white women in here.
You know, black men, they date white women
'cause they don't want to date their mama.
That's right, datin' a black woman's
like datin' your mama.
That's why OJ keep coming out,
and white bitches line up.
After he did'n did all that, white bitches
is still trying to get him.
White women ain't scared of shit.
You can tell a white woman
the devil's in there,
"Well, I want to talk to him!"
Like, "Go on in there, bitch,
if you want to talk to him.
Sit on his hot-ass lap."
I been actin' like I don't like
white people for a long time.
But it ain't real, you know what I mean?
I did ancestry.com.
I'm related to George Bush.
Can't you tell by the walk,
that cowboy walk?
One of them old men that walk like this
will fuck the shit out of you.
"Come here, young lady,
I wanna talk to you."
When you young, you don't know
who fucked your mama.
There'll be men,
"How's your mother doin'?"
"How the fuck do
you know my mother from?"
"Tell her Wayne said hello."
"Fuck you, Wayne!"
There's a lot of jealous men in here.
Ladies, don't date no jealous man,
you know what I mean? Shit.
Especially one of them men you be walkin'
with, and some dude say something to you,
and you hear, "Hey, hold up for a minute.
Hey, man, where you know
my woman from?"
"Well, we went to school together."
"Well, y'all ain't
in school no more, nigga!
Get in the car.
Get.
Get in the car.
Get in the car."
Now you hit the wrong woman that got
brothers, they gonna whoop yo' ass.
They comin' over the next day.
I seen a white man coming, I said, "Ah!
I'm going to jail!"
It's a white man!
It's these little Peter Pan boots
I got on right here.
Peter Pan!
I'm getting old now,
and I eat about five Tums a day.
I eat 'em like candy, I'm like,
"Hey, how you doin'? Argh."
Everything I eat burn.
Even pussy.
I was, "Ahh. I need a Tums."
I got a buddy, he got shot in the
stomach, he got a shit bag on, you know.
Yeah, he had a shit bag on,
but he still kept livin'.
But the nigga taught karate.
The nigga was a karate instructor.
I said, "You gotta take off work, man.
You're walkin' around with a shit bag."
He said,
"No, I gotta keep teachin' karate!"
Anyway, somebody did jump up did a
roundhouse and kicked the bag, "bam!"
Bag just splattered
all in the karate place.
Now the word is, "Big Tony got the shit
kicked out of him the other day
at the karate place."
Yeah, we in Los Angeles,
home of the Bloods and the Crips.
Gas so high, they ridin' together now.
"Go on, get out, cuz, get the gas,
get the gas!"
Shit. Yeah.
This motherfucker talked me into putting
this tight-ass wallet on tonight.
That's why them old men wear these pants,
'cause they dick print show.
And that's what women look for,
they bank roll and they dick print.
Yeah, I know y'all be seein' me
in the comedy thing, you know.
White people don't know me like that,
you know,
but niggas know me by Day-Day.
I don't give a fuck where I go.
"Day-Day." I'm like,
"Hey, nigga."
"Day-Day!"
I remember when I did my first movie,
I bought my mother a washer and dryer.
Yeah.
I tried to buy her a house.
She said, "No, you ain't fittin' to fuck
my little social security up
that I get every month.
You ain't gonna fuck my little
700 up that I get."
I said, "Mama, fuck them people and their
700." She said, "No, fuck your 700.
You don't fuck my little security up
that I do."
That's why I tell young women
all the time, "Don't fuck for free."
You ever fell in love with a nigga
and you out here fuckin' for free?
Don't fuck for free.
I ain't tellin' you to be a ho,
but don't fuck for free.
Them older women, if they give you
some of that old cat,
they gonna get some money
out of you.
Yeah, they done put that old cat on you
and put a pot roast on with some muffins.
You didn't watch Netflix?
You gonna give some money up out of there,
that's a package.
Soon as you come out that bathroom,
that old lady catch you in the hallway,
"I was wonderin' since it seem like
you had a nice time tonight,
that you would have it on your heart
to lay a few dollars on me,
so that I could get my hair done,
and nails,
and a few things
that I like to do for myself."
How you gonna tell this bitch no?
"Here, Mildred.
Take this motherfuckin' $500."
I'm Mike Epps. I love y'all, L.A.
You know what I'm saying?
Come on out, y'all, come on out,
Guy Torry.
Yeah.
One more time for everybody, y'all.
Come on, now.
I told y'all, it's a motherfuckin' family
reunion, y'all.
Make some motherfuckin' noise,
one time.
Hope y'all had a good time tonight.
Thank y'all for rockin' with us.
Katt Williams, DeRay Davis,
Melanie Comarcho,
Guy Torry, Donnell Rawlings,
and Mike Epps.
Snoop Dogg Netflix
Fuckin' Around Comedy Special,
you better ask somebody.
Hello!
Oh, baby, please
Don't ever leave me
Just stick with me, mama
Put your hand in mine
We can be together
through love and shelter
Our very last dime or last
meal or last sip of wine
Oooh, ooh ooh
Yes, we can
Come on, baby
We share a good thing together
Come on, baby
Together we can make
this journey
Together we can make this journey
Together we can make this journey
Together we can make this journey
Alright
It's gonna be alright...