So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993) Movie Script

Excuse me, miss.
There seems to be a mistake.
I believe l ordered
the large cappuccino.
Look at the size of this.
It's like Campbell's cup-o-ccino.
My sides. Please, aidez-moi.
So, Tony, what's the deal
with your clothes?
What do you mean?
You look like Huggy Bear
from Starsky and Hutch.
What do you mean? l look hip.
No, no. You look like an
undercover cop trying to look hip.
l am an undercover cop
trying to look hip.
Yes, but can you do me a favor?
When you come to my parents' house,
do not dress like a 1970's pimp.
My parents are a little eccentric.
My next poem is caIled, ''An Open
Apology to the AIiens Who Abducted Me...
and Whom I Inflicted
Great Destruction Upon...
While Having a Panic Attack
Aboard the Mother Ship.''
What're you gonna do tonight?
l think I'm gonna do
a poem about Sherry.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- The 'Woman, Woe-Man, Whoa, Man' poem.
- Yeah.
So tell me again, why
did you break up with Sherry?
I told you aIready.
She's a thief.
- You don't believe that.
- She's a klepto, all right?
To this day, I still don't know
where my cat is.
Charlie, every time you meet
a nice girl and get close to,
you come up with some paranoid
reason to break up with her.
That's not true. l broke up with
those girIs for very good reasons.
- Really?
- Yes.
- What about Jill?
- She was in the Mafia.
- She was in the Mafia?
- Yes. The Cosa Nostra.
While we went out, she didn't teIl me
what she did for a living.
Charlie, she was unemployed.
That's the perfect cover, isn't it?
All right. What about Pam?
She smelIed like soup.
- What does that mean?
- She smelled like beef vegetable soup.
- You're paranoid.
- You weren't there.
lt's all in your head.
It is!
All right, I'm up.
Wish me luck.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it
for our own Mr. Charlie Mackenzie.
Whoa, man
She was a thief
You gotta believe
She stole my heart and my cat
Betty, Judy
Josie and those hot Pussycats
They make me horny
Saturday morning
Girls of cartoons
Won't leave me in ruins
I want to be Betty's Barney
Hey, Jane, get me off
this crazy thing...
caIled Iove.
Can I help you?
Yes. Do you have haggis?
Yes, we do. One?
Yes, please.
My parents are Scottish.
That'll be $19.75.
Oh, thank you.
Anything else?
No, thanks.
S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night
Heed, turn off the Bay City Rollers.
The soccer game's about to begin.
- Hello!
- Hi!
We're in here, son.
- Hey, Charlie.
- Willie, how's it going?
Give your mother a kiss
or l'll kick your teeth in.
Did you happen to see
- The most beautiful girl
- May, shut it!
- How you doing, Dad?
- l'm doing fine.
- Come on, CharIie.
- Away, go with your mother.
While you're there, why don't you
try one of her bras on, you wee girl?
Float away, you fairy!
Mom, I brought you guys a haggis.
That's sweet of you, son.
Thank you.
I haven't seen one of these
for years.
l hate them,
but your father will happily--
Look at him. He's giving Tony...
alI that Lyndon H. LaRouche
rubbish again!
lt's a well-known fact
that there's a secret society...
ot the five wealthiest people in the
world known as the Pentavirate.
Who run everything in the world
including the newspapers...
and meet triannually at a secret
country mansion in Colorado...
known as The Meadows.
Who's in this Pentavirate?
The queen, the Vatican, the Gettys...
the Rothschilds and Colonel Sanders
before he went tits up.
l hated the Colonel
with his wee beady eyes...
and that smug Iook on his face,
"Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken."
How can you hate the Colonel?
Because he puts an addictive
chemical in his chicken...
that makes you crave it
fortnightly, smartass.
Interesting. Cuckoo!
WouLd you like a juice?
Look at what I bought myself.
A Juice Tiger.
A Juice Tiger.
I juice everything now.
I'm on a new diet.
I'm on my Weekly World News
Garth Brooks Juice Diet.
Magic! One, nil.
Let's have a look at the replay.
WiIliam, move your head.
Look at the size of that boy's heed.
I'm not kidding, it's like
an orange on a toothpick.
- You're gonna give the boy a complex.
- That's a huge noggin!
That's a virtual planetoid.
Has its own weather system.
Heed, move!
Your Sherry's late.
Mom, Sherry and I broke up.
Not Sherry?
l Iiked Sherry.
Didn't like some of the other girls
you brought home, but I liked Sherry.
Don't make it any harder for me.
Why should I make it any easier?
You were good together.
You know that, you and Sherry.
l thought you might get married.
You know l'm terrified
of marriage.
l know that, son.
There's something to be said for 'not'
marrying. Did you read the paper today?
- No.
- No?
Where did I put it?
Bring in the paper.
All right, hen.
Heed, paper! Now!
Move that melon of yours,
and get the paper if you can.
Hauling that gargantuan cranium about.
I'm not kidding, that boy's
head's like Sputnik.
Spherical, but pointy in parts.
That was offsides, wasn't it?
He'll be crying himseIf to sleep
tonight on his huge pillow.
I find it interesting that you refer
to the Weekly World News as 'the paper'
The paper contains facts.
This paper contains facts.
And this paper has the eighth
highest circulation in the world.
Plenty of facts.
''Pregnant Man Gives Birth!''
That's a fact.
Here it is. Look.
''Mrs. X, the honeymoon murderer.
She marries men under fake identities...
and then she murders them.''
She's murdered three men already.
Victim #1 was a Iounge singer.
Victim #2,
a Russian martial arts expert.
And she's also killed a plumber
named Ralph Elliot.
And her whereabouts are 'unknown'.
You're in my eyes
You're in my dreams
You are my eyes
You are my dreams
You're in my eyes
you're Celtic, united
I've decided you're the best thing
that has happened to me
Gi'e us a kiss.
Cheer me up. Good night.
Good night.
You've turned into a right sexy
wee bastard. Do you know that?
Thanks, Mrs. Mackenzie.
- Hasn't he?
- I think so.
- Good night, Mom.
- Night.
- Good night, Dad.
- Bye, Mr. Mackenzie.
Fine, go.
You've stayed your hour.
- We're off.
- Good night.
Oh, yes!
- Good morning, Charles.
- Good morning, sir.
Tony are you working on the forms
- Yes, Captain.
I don't want to intrude,
but you seem a Iittle down.
Captain, it's about my job.
I'm having doubts about being a cop.
It's not like how it is on TV.
All I do all day is fill out
forms and paperwork.
lt's a point well taken,
but you must understand,
although it's not exciting,
it's an important part of our work.
Yeah, but in all my time as a cop,
I've never chased a guy
across a crowded city square.
I've never hung on to that part
of the helicopter.
You know the part underneath
the thing, where it lands?
- Yes, I know that part.
- I've never hung on to that.
I've never even
commandeered a vehicIe.
That sounds like a lot of fun.
That's the other thing.
You're too nice.
- I'm too nice?
- Yes, you're too nice!
Why can't you be like the captain
on Starsky and Hutch...
where you haul me into your office,
and you bawl me out...
because you're tired of
defending my screwball
antics to the commissioner?
Why can't you do that?
l don't report to a commissioner.
l report to a committee.
Some appointed, some elected and some
co-opted on a biannual basis.
- It's a quorum.
- A quorum?
When I joined the police force,
I thought I would be Serpico.
But instead, I'm like Fish
from Barney Miller.
Hey, somebody needs a hug!
I can't do that.
Haggis, right?
Right. I'm the guy
who ordered the haggis.
May I ask you a question?
Do you actually like haggis?
No. I think it's repellant.
I think most Scottish cuisine
is based on a dare.
- I'm next.
- You're next.
- Okay. How can I help you?
- I'll tell you.
All I want is one New York
strip steak a quarter inch thick.
That's all I want.
No more, no less.
Just get the steak and
let me get out of here.
I'm sorry. I'm really busy now.
- Busy, eh?
- It's insane today.
My dad's a butcher.
I used to work at his shop.
I can help you.
I'd love some help. Great.
What's your name?
- My name's Charlie.
- Hi. Harriet.
Could you get me four
porterhouses in the fridge?
Do you live in New York?
Just tell me if that's still tense.
You guide me.
Mom, can you get the school nurse?
Get the school nurse!
Help me!
There was an accident in shop.
Get the school nurse.
Get me a tourniquet.
I want to thank you for
helping me out today.
You were really nice.
Oh, I was nice?! Nice.
Evidently you think of me
as a woman friend.
- What is wrong with being nice?
- Nothing.
Charlie, name one bad thing
you've done.
I've done bad things.
But let's talk about you.
Tell me one bad thing you've done,
and it better be evil.
How evil?
Really evil. So evil
that you would say it was 'evil'.
Like it's the fruits
of the 'devil'. 'Evil'.
For example. How many people
have you brutally murdered?
Brutal's a very subjective word.
What's brutal to one person might be
totally reasonable to somebody else.
Nothing compares to this one!
Ona ochen dazhe nichevo!
Yes! Nothing compares to me!
Da! Ochen dazhe nichevo!
Oh! She understands...
Ona ponimaet
Save it for later. Not this time, boys.
Nu, spasil. Ne poka malchiki.
Do you know Russian?
Oh, this hurts.
No, this is hard.
'Cause not only are you
extremely good-looking...
but you're also very, very smart.
That's no fair.
That's hard.
- Bright women intimidate you?
- No, no. Not at aIl.
But it's a shame
l'm going to have to destroy you.
Come here.
Nadia, l am coming.
Expand. Contract. Expand.
Wait. What do you look for
in a woman you date?
Well, I know everyone says
sense of humor...
but I'd really have to go
with breast size.
Oh, my God!
Come! Let us dance
like children of the night.
- Here we are.
- Wow! What a great place.
- I'll make us some tea?
- Sure.
Show yourself around.
You know what this place needs?
A large, oversized poster of Atlantic City.
- Look! You got one!
- I used to live there.
Some herbal teas. Cubby Wubby
Woom Room tea and Morning Thunder.
I'll go with the Cubby
Wubby Woom Room Tea.
All right. Thanks.
What's this?
I had a friend. He was
a martial arts expert.
- You had a friend?
- lt's a martial arts thing.
I took it up, and thought
it would look good on the wall.
Oh, it does.
Scotland has its own martial arts.
It's called 'fuck yeuh!'
It's mostly head-butting and kicking
people when they're on the ground.
- It's late?
- Not for me.
Who for, then?
"Who for, then", what?
You said it wasn't late for you,
I was wondering who it was late for.
Not me. No, no.
I like the nightlife.
I like to boogie.
I'll make the tea, then.
You know...
maybe it is late.
I'll be honest with you.
I had a really great time tonight.
And I'd really love to kiss you,
but I think...
if I kiss you, we'll end up
kissing on the couch.
If we end up kissing on the couch,
chances are we'll kiss in the bedroom.
If we kiss in the bedroom,
that's the part I always rush into.
I just don't think it's a good idea to
rush into spending the night together.
I want to spend the night together.
I have no problem with that.
You're it!
Come here.
Ralph !
I will. I will.
Oh. Wait. Not now. Not now.
Ralph! Ralph !
You were having a dream.
And you kept saying the name Ralph.
Yeah. You kept saying the name Ralph.
She's my friend.
'She's' your friend.
'She's' your friend.
Ralph. She.
I'm sorry! I thought you
were somebody else. Sorry.
I'm Harriet's friend, Charlie.
And you must be Ralph?
I'm Harriet's sister Rose.
Harriet gave me a note to give to you.
Dear Charlie, I didn't want to
wake you. Make yourself at home.
And thanks for the hot dog.
Well, that's a very nice note.
Let me make you some breakfast.
I'd love to, but I'm running late.
But thanks.
What would you say
to silver dollar pancakes...
fresh-squeezed orange juice,
bacon, and Kona coffee?
It sounds great.
Sorry. I didn't have
those other things.
No, that's fine.
That other stuff will probably kill you.
Whereas Fruit Loops are light
and reasonabIy high in fiber.
I care for Apple Jacks
a great deal.
Got them.
Is this your place?
No, this is our place,
Harriet's and mine.
She just sort of comes and goes,
but she always ends up here.
She didn't speak of me?
No, she didn't speak of you.
She talked about a martial arts guy
and some discussion about Ralph.
Oh, really?
She spoke about them.
She talked about the martial arts guy...
and actually she kind of shouted Ralph.
Oh, well.
You know Harriet.
Actually I don't.
- But you did have sex with her.
- Hello!
I'm gonna go now.
I'm not gonna tell Harriet
that anything happened.
Nothing did happen.
Don't worry, Charlie.
Just be careful.
Sounds to me, you really like this girl.
I'm smitten.
I am in deep smit.
She is wonderful!
We shouldn't talk about it,
because I'll start to analyze it.
That's no good.
That is good! You should
just let it happen, relax.
Hello, everyone. I am a park ranger.
I will be leading you on the tour.
All the park rangers at
Alcatraz were at one time
guards, myself included.
My name is John Johnson,
but everyone here calls me Vicki.
Please follow me.
- I love Vicki. He's a great guy.
- He's the best.
This is the main cell block area.
Home to such famous
criminals as Al Capone...
Mickey Cohen,
Joseph "Dutch" Cretzer...
and Robert Stroud,
the famous Birdman of Alcatraz.
Tony, this time
it's gonna be different.
If something strange happens,
I'm just gonna let it go.
It's not my business.
For example, Ralph.
She says 'Ralph' in her sleep.
So what?
This is the celI
for solitary confinement...
that over the years had come
to be known as "Times Square".
Make sure everyone gets a Iook.
Who's RaIph?
l don't know, and more importantly,
l don't want to know.
That's good.
Did you and Harriet
"you know" last night?
All right, dirtbag,
all you have to know...
is that Harriet is a sweet,
kind and loving person.
That's good. That's nice.
- And, yes, we did.
- AIl right!
Close it up, close it up.
This is something the other
tour guides won't tell you.
In this cell block, Machine Gun KeIly
had what we call in the prison system...
a "bitch.''
One night in a jealous rage,
Kelly took a makeshift knife or shiv...
and cut out the bitch's eyes.
Another thing about Harriet--
And as if this wasn't
enough retribution for Kelly...
the next day he and
four other inmates took turns...
pissing into the bitch's
ocular cavities.
This way to the cafeteria.
Tony, I'm really happy.
Please, don't let me
screw this one up.
- I'll try.
- Alrighty.
Okay, I got another one.
What's worse?
Your cabIe goes out and you're left
with synchronized swimming on ESPN...
You're stuck on the
Bay Bridge in traffic...
and you just had two strong cups
of coffee and three bran muffins.
Hello! Hello.
l have a good one.
What's worse?
You go to your favorite restaurant
and order your favorite meal.
You take your first bite and
under the steak is a scabby Band-Aid...
Or, or, or...
being electrocuted.
And that's it.
Being electrocuted.
I was electrocuted once.
lt was horrible.
That's a crying shame.
Hi. Can we get our check, please?
Thanks a Iot.
- l'll get that.
- l got it.
No, l got it. l insist.
Let me pick up the check.
- No infinity.
- Come on.
- "'Negatory,'' good buddy.
- You're embarrassing me.
l'll pick up the check.
What do you say we catch a cab?
- I'd like to walk.
- lt's raining!
- I'd like to walk.
- Me too.
- AlI right, fine. See you Iater.
- Bye.
- lt's officialIy raining.
- Just a drizzle.
You know, I love that you wanted
to walk in the rain.
I'm reaIly gIad you're gonna meet
my parents tomorrow night.
You know what, Charlie?
lt's the strangest thing,
but l feel realIy safe with you.
Like in old movies when
people never left each other.
They stayed together forever.
- lt's a great house.
- They moved in the day they married.
ln two weeks, l'm throwing them
a 30th wedding anniversary party.
Mom, Dad, we're here.
Charlie, is this the wee Harriet?
Och, she's absolutely beautiful!
And you're very, very welcome.
I hope you hold on to this one.
You have the face of a wee angel.
Do you know that?
- I give! I'm Charlie's father.
- Yeah.
l'm sorry. You surprised me.
l like this one.
She's quite a filIy.
Charlie tells me you're a butcher.
Yes, l am a butcher.
Do you Iink your own sausage?
As a matter of fact, I do.
- Why don't you put your trousers on?
- Alright, hold your horses.
Heed! Pants, now!
Why don't you come with me?
I have wonderful photographs
of him when he was a wee baby.
Show her the picture of Charlie
when he shit his pants at Niagara Falls.
Mom, don't show her the pictures.
Och, lighten up, Charlie!
You got a pickle up your arse again.
I'm gonna go to the washroom.
Evidently I have
a pickle up my ass.
You're gonna be okay
if I leave you alone?
Fine. Don't worry about me.
Make sure there's enough paper.
And, Charlie, light a match.
Are you away to crap, again?
What a cute baby Charlie was!
You okay in there, Charlie?
You didn't falI in, did you?
l can't believe the resembIance
between you and Charlie.
Thank you.
Enough about us.
Tell me something about yourself.
Have you aIways lived
in San Francisco?
No. Actually I moved around
quite a bit.
I had a really great time
with your family tonight.
Oh, great.
You know that martial arts
expert friend you had?
Was that here in San Francisco?
No. ActuaIly it was Miami.
Your family's really great.
When your mother took out that book--
Was that before or after
Atlantic City?
It's a period of my life
I don't like talking about.
Charlie, I hated Atlantic City.
It's a town full of
gamblers and lounge singers.
Ralph, no.
Tony, have you heard of this?
Mrs. X.
She murders her husbands, then changes
her identity and marries again.
I never heard of it.
So what?
I think I'm dating Mrs. X.
Two words.
She told me she dated
a martial arts expert.
It says that one of the victims
was a martial arts expert.
Last night she put a kung fu move
on my dad and tried to break his neck.
A thousand people tried to break your
father's neck. Should I arrest them?
Well, yes. If they also say Ralph
in their sleep, it's a good start
Look. Ralph Elliot.
Plumber from Dallas.
Missing since his honeymoon.
- You're just getting scared.
- Yes.
You think Harriet couId be the one,
so you start to suspect her of things...
because you're scared you'lI marry,
and to you marriage is death.
Tony, just read it, okay?
Read it?
Just read it.
- Larry Leonard, croner...
- Crooner.
Made a name for himseIf being able
to sing in six languages 'Only You'.
Yes. See?
Charlie, does Harriet even know
the words to "Only You"?
I don't know, we haven't
reached that critical...
"Do you know the words to 'Only You'?"
phase in our relationship.
I'm afraid I'm not much help.
You've got to move past this.
I'm getting worried about you.
You're starting to live your life
according to the Weekly World News.
lt's the eighth highest
circulating paper in the world.
Look, Tony, Mrs. X., please.
Look it up, okay?
For me?
lndulge me?
No, there's no record of any deaths.
All three were reported missing during
their honeymoon, but so were the wives.
No picture of any brides.
For all we know, they moved away.
That's true. You're just
gonna have to realize that.
I personally would lie to you...
but Cathy has this crazy notion
of always telling the truth.
- You feel better now?
- I guess so.
Good! Come on.
Hello, l'm Maureen O'Boyle.
Welcome to A Current Affair.
Tonight, "Amy, Did She or Didn't She?"
Then the reptile that took
Hollywood by storm...
First, the Justice Department
reports an alarming rise...
in the number of poisoning murders
across the United States.
And that 87% occur within the family.
A scourge which seems to be
reaching into every home.
Steve Dunleavy examines
poison murders. Steve?
The most common form of poisoning
occurs between couples...
for reasons as varied
as insurance fraud...
old-fashioned jealousy
and simple psychopathic behavior.
I have a surprise for you.
lt's a health shake.
l made it especialIy for you.
Try it.
Thank you, no. Thanks.
You'll like it, Charlie.
Just take a sip.
I have kitten breath.
I'm gonna brush my teeth.
Why don't you just taste it?
It's got strawberries.
You Iove strawberries.
I spent 20 minutes making it.
Just take a sip.
- No, I'm just gonna go.
- Try it. One sip wouldn't hurt you.
Fine. Forget it.
I'm sorry.
That's okay.
l'm just sensitive.
l mean, you didn't drink my shake.
So what? Right?
You spent half an hour on it.
I understand.
You know what? Let's scratch. Scratch.
Yeah, let's do a little scratching.
Yeah, there you go. Scratching.
- Here. GoIden Gate Bridge.
- Golden.
- Okay, Presidio. Union Square.
- Got it.
Little Japan.
Union Square.
Can you reach around
and get Coit Tower?
San Andreas Fault.
You know what I like best about you?
I can tell you anything in the world,
and you don't judge me.
Charlie, have you ever...
stood at the edge...
of a cliff or subway platform
with someone...
and you thought
just for a split second...
What if l pushed him?
Not really.
Usually I follow the Judeo-Christian
ethic of 'Thou shalt not kill'.
- But that's just me.
- I know.
I'm just making a point of how many
times we trust people with our lives.
Look at us!
We're sleeping, and look
how vuInerable we are.
I could do anything
to you in your sleep.
What could you do?
You know. Anything.
You're totally asleep,
I could just...
oh, stick a needle in--
Charlie, Jesus!
I'm just trying to show you
what a good reIationship we havel
I'm sorry. It's just
I have an ear thing. Okay?
There was an episode of Night Gallery.
This guy put an earwig
in the guy's ear.
They said, The good news is
we got the earwig...
but the bad news is
it was a female and...
I'm sorry, I just
have an ear thing.
- Just good night.
- l'm sorry.
- l'm a human bIanket.
- Get off of me. Just good night.
Good night.
Yes, sir. Can I help you?
Yes. l'd like to place an announcement.
It's my parents'
30th wedding anniversary.
That's 4.50 per word.
And you've got a choice
of standard or bold.
Well, you havin'
a busy week, Frank?
Just these two.
It's been dead around here.
I got this one here, a tourist.
Heart attack on a cable car.
The guy left his heart
in San Francisco.
That's a real person
you're talking about.
All right, I'm sorry.
There's another one here. Native
San Franciscan. Plumber. Elliot, RaIph.
Moved to Dallas.
Disappeared four months ago.
The body was found in a sewer.
Well, a guy takes his
job too seriously...
his life goes down the drain.
Did they mention anything
about his wife?
Okay. Look, I know we're talkin'
about real people here, so I'm sorry.
No, no, I'm serious.
Did they mention the wife?
Look, I'm sorry, you know?
I didn't mean to make a joke
about other people's Iives.
I'm reaIly serious. Did they
mention the wife? I just wanna know.
- You win, okay? I'm a bad person.
- Take it easy.
No, he's sayin' I'm insensitive.
He's sayin' I'm a shit.
He's not sayin' you're a shit.
Did they mention the wife?
No, no, they didn't mention the wife!
You happy?
Oh, yes, yes, I'm insensitive!
I'm a very insensitive man !
Stop your job, look at
the insensitive man!
That's what they're
payin' you for!
He was my ride home.
What's goin' on that you
had to see me so urgently?
You couldn't even come
to my apartment?
lt's just safer here.
What? Charlie.
I'm sorry.
I think you're
a terrific woman.
l just don't think we should
see each other anymore.
Why? Tell me the truth.
I'm afraid that you're
gonna k .. leave me.
I'm gonna cleave you?
What does that mean, Charlie?
No, no, leave me, leave me.
Not cleave me.
That you're gonna
reject me, you know?
So, I just thought l'd do
a pre-emptive strike.
So you're rejecting me?
l didn't mean to hurt you.
I never wanted to hurt you.
Don't worry. You haven't.
At least you Ieft early on.
that's it then?
'Cause I gotta get back to work.
Whoa, man
We had love
Not just sex
Is she Mrs. X
I had to run for my life
Jane, get me off
of this crazy thing...
called Iove.
Hey! Not that it matters anymore...
but I thought you
might like to know.
Somebody just turned themselves in
for the murder of Ralph Elliot.
- What about the other murders?
- I don't know.
So far she just confessed
to the one murder.
Look, anyway, crime to stop.
Gotta go. Catch you later. All right?
- Harriet! lt's me, Charlie!
- Go away, Charlie.
Harriet, l gotta talk to you.
l made a big mistake.
lt's me.
l'm just a big idiot.
l'm gonna go into therapy, okay?
l'll go twice a week.
l don't know if my insurance is gonna
cover it, but l'lI taIk to the guy.
What is it, Charlie?
Hi, CharIie.
l don't wanna lose you.
You didn't.
You rejected me.
Okay, I'm unrejecting you.
You'Il do it again, CharIie.
You will do it again.
No. No, I'm not gonna do it again.
Look, l got scared, okay?
Things were going reaIly good,
then l just got scared, all right?
l love you.
l love you, too.
But you blew it, CharIie.
You blew it.
Harriet, Harr-i-et
Hard-hearted harbinger
of haggis
Beautiful, bemus-ed
Bellicose butcher
"He wants you back,"
he screamed into the night air
Like a fireman going to a window
that has no fire
Except the passion
of his heart
I am lonely
lt's really hard
This poem sucks
I'm sorry l didn't trust you.
Hey, Harriet.
Somebody's downstairs to see ya.
Uh, she'll be down
in a moment, actually. Yes.
And could you bring the car around?
Thank you so much. Bye-bye.
Charlie! Come here.
I want you to meet a friend of mine.
This is Ralph.
Ralph! Ralph !
This is Ralph?
- Yep.
- This is Ralph?
Come on.
- This is Ralph.
- This is Charlie.
- lt's realIy great to meet you.
- Oh, no, it's great to meet you.
Yes, yes.
l love you so much.
Oh, God!
l'm naked, aren't l?
Yes. Yes, you are naked.
l was just naked just then.
Very nude.
And nice to meet you.
And calI me.
l will.
Happy Anniversary
Happy Anniversary
Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy
Happy Anniversary
Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy
Shut it!
- Happy, Happy, Hap--
- Shh!
I'd like to, eh, propose a toast...
to my wife, May.
Thirty years ago today, May and l
were married. Some of you were there.
Some of you weren't born.
And some of you are now 'deed'.
But we both said, I do.
And we haven't agreed
on a single thing since.
It's true.
But I'm glad I married you, May...
because, eh, it could've been worse.
And besides...
I still love you.
Thank you.
Tony, would you like to dance?
Let's dance.
It must be a great feeling
to have--
- You okay?
- No, I'm not.
marry me.
Why don't we just live together?
We could just live together at first.
And let's just live together.
Because I love you,
and I think we should get married.
And I think we should spend the next
thirty years of our life together.
I want you to have my children...
and I want you to have your children.
That sounds like
an awful lot of children, but--
I love you.
I need you.
Let's just get married, okay?
Harriet, be my wife.
All right, everyone!
Shut your cake hole!
I'd like to make a toast...
to my son, Charlie.
Thank you for throwing us
this great party.
And I hope you have the same
great 30 years that we've had.
To Charlie!
- You will!
- Let's get married, Charlie.
Now, Mr. Mackenzie...
if you will take this woman
to be your wife...
through thick and thin,
for better or for worse...
please say, "I do".
I do.
Now, Harriet,
if you will take this man...
through good times and bad...
forever and ever,
as your husband...
please say, "I do".
I do.
Now, Charlie...
kiss the beautiful bride.
Let's get pissed !
If you think I'm sexy
And you want my body
All you gotta do is call
If you want my body
and you think l'm sexy
Come on, baby, let me know
There's a wee lass
She's sitting in the heather
Let's get physical
and spend the night together
If you want my body
and you think l'm sexy
Come on, baby, let me know
Your soIo.
lf you want my body
And you think I'm sexy
All you've got
All right, we have
a piper who's down.
It's all right.
He's just pissed.
We have a piper down.
l repeat, a piper is down.
- Charlie, this is such a great party.
- Yeah, it is.
- The marriage was beautiful.
- lt was, wasn't it?
- It was great.
- Yeah. She's great, isn't she?
She's the best. She's incredible.
You been such a chicken with commitment.
Finally you met the
right girl. It's great.
I mean, how could you ever have thought
that this girl was a murderer?
Only you
Can make this world seem right
Only you
Can make
The darkness bright
Come here, CharIie.
Come stand by me, Charlie.
Can thrill me
Like you do
And fill my heart
With love
For only you
Seulement toi
Qui peut faire l'amour comme a
Solo tu
E solamente tu
When you hold my hand
I understand
The magic that you bring
You're my dream come true
My one
And only you
Wait till you see this place.
It's called Poet's Corner.
A lot of the beat poets
used to hang out there.
Well, you're really quiet.
I'm just thinking.
That's all.
Why don't I do the talking for you?
Hi, my name is Harriet.
Hi, Harriet. How's it going?
Good, I suppose.
I think you're great, Charlie.
Everything you do is art.
You're a sex machine.
Get on the scene with the sex machine.
Thank you very much.
That's very kind of you.
You're the best husband
I ever had.
- Why did you just say that?
- I was just-- It was a joke.
No. What do you mean by it?
Why did you say that?
Because I thought
it might be funny.
Nothing. I just think you're
a great person. That's all.
You're the best.
Boys upstairs say you've been sticking
your nose in the Ralph Elliot case.
- Yes, Captain.
- Don't 'Yes, Captain' me!
Stay out of this.
This is strictly 'Homicide'.
- But I got these friends--
- We all got these friends.
I'm warning you, Giardino.
Back off, Italian boy.
Keep away from this one.
It's too big for ya!
Wait a minute, Captain. Trust me.
I know what I'm talkin' about.
- What's the news?
- You wanna hear the news? Here it is.
It seems that the old lady who confessed
to the murder of Ralph Elliot...
has also confessed
to a couple of other murders.
- I knew she wouId. I knew it.
- Yeah, right!
Well, she's confessed to the murders
of Abraham Lincoln...
Warren G. Harding and Julius Caesar.
She's a nut case! A nut case!
Oh, my God.
I gotta go.
You screw this one up, and you'll
be writing parking tickets. Got that?
Captain, I won't let you down.
Good for you.
That was so much better.
- Yeah? You liked it?
- Really terrific. It was fantastic.
- The beginning felt pretty good.
- Yeah, it was great.
- I did too much in the end.
- No, it was really terrific.
I'd like to discuss this,
but I gotta save a life.
- I'll work on it.
- Work on it because it was terrific.
And honestIy, it was such
a big improvement. Fantastic!
That is Ralph Elliot's wife.
Of course, her hair
was much shorter then.
Mrs. Karpov has gained
a lot of weight since then...
but it's definitely her.
Yeah, yeah,
that's his little lollipop.
Boy, he was really in love with her.
But I'll tell ya, she was a lot of fun.
And smart. Doll-faced too.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
This is reaIly cool.
Mr. and Mrs. Mackenzie,
please enjoy your honeymoon.
For us, when you leave,
it will be far too soon.
Now, four nights.
- Your dinner reservations are at 9:00.
- Sounds great.
You might prepare some candles.
With a storm, we frequently lose power.
Oh, wow, that's so cool.
Did you hear that? A storm. A storm.
We'll be all snugly inside.
You okay?
I have a headache.
Excuse me? Do you have a drugstore
in the hoteI? I want to buy aspirin.
Right up those back stairs,
Mrs. Mackenzie. Anything you need.
Don't move.
- You really think she's got a headache?
- What?
Nothing. Here's your key. Just as
you requested, the Robbie Burns room.
Oh, thanks.
The circuits are down
due to a storm.
Keep on tryin', all right?
Tell the chief that I chartered a plane.
- Hey! Paisanne!
- What?
You screw up one more time...
I'm gonna kick your
spaghetti-bending butt back to Milan.
- Not now! Not now!
- Was it too much with the ethnic slurs?
It was fine. But it's not 'paisanne'.
It's 'paisahn'!
Hey! Paisahn!
Hey, listen! How long is it
gonna take us to get there?
Shouldn't take very long.
ActuaIly, I have no concept of time.
- Gee, is this dangerous?
- No.
Well, you know,
there's chance in everything.
Look, I don't wanna get too personal,
but you've done this before, right?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I do this all the time.
I've never done it at night.
Mr. and Mrs. Mackenzie.
Glad to see you.
Follow me, pIease.
How the hell do you even know
if you're going in the right direction?
Instruments, instruments.
Oh, yeah, yeah!
What's that?
That's the artificial horizon...
which is better
than the actual horizon.
Hey, you know what?
I'm gonna go wash my hands, alI right?
I love you.
What are you doing?
Wake up!
Oh, man !
I was having an amazing dream.
I don't care about your dream!
Land the plane!
I was just born...
and I was 8 months premature.
- The doctors started freakin' out.
- Shut up!
Did l aIready tell you this dream?
Can I get your attention?
I'd Iike to make some
special announcements.
Celebrating their 25th
wedding anniversary with us.
How about a nice hand for
Mr. and Mrs. Seymour Levenstein?
Twenty-five years ago, they were
right here on their honeymoon.
Speaking of great honeymooning couples,
Charlie and Harriet Mackenzie.
- Aren't they a good-looking group?
- Sorry. There's a phone call.
- They said it was quite urgent.
- Oh, thank you.
Sorry. Hello?
Charlie, you okay?
Great. Couldn't be better.
Charlie, listen to me.
Harriet is Mrs. X.
She killed Ralph and those
two other guys. I got a picture.
It checked out. It's her, Charlie.
She's the murderer.
I called the police. Roads are closed,
but they're on their way!
In the meantime,
just stay where you are.
Hold on, one second.
Excuse me, one second. What should I do?
Don't worry. When the
time comes, you'll know.
Thanks. Thank you.
Hello? Hello? Hello?
Charlie! Charlie!
- Hello?
- CharIie, what happened?
I was on the phone, and it went dead.
It's common. The lines
will be out until tomorrow.
Have a nice meal.
What happened, Charlie?
Nothing happened. The phone
lines went dead. That's all.
To this lovely couple, we wish
a long and beautiful life.
I wanna play your song
for you right now.
The Platters' 'Only You'
You have to wait for the
traditional wedding dance.
Excuse me, sir. I'm with
the San Francisco Police Department.
This is officiaI police business.
I wouId like to commandeer this vehicle.
- No.
- What do you mean, 'no'?
I know for a fact that you don't have
the right to commandeer my vehicle.
Please, can I commandeer
this vehicle?
You're not gonna bend on this
commandeering thing, are you?
- Please, can I cut in?
- No!
You've gotta help me!
I've married a--
Wonderful person, who I love
and adore. Who I want to share
Hey, this couple's had enough
of this crowd for one night.
They got more important
things to do, huh?
Let's put 'em in the
honeymoon chair.
We did it on our honeymoon.
- You'll love it.
- It's just fun!
Have a good night, you two.
Hey, why don't you stay
for a nightcap?
No. You two wanna be alone.
No, really, really.
Stay for a nightcap.
Sir, I really don't
think I should.
Stay for a nightcap!
There's something I've
been meaning to tell you.
Harriet, l--
I've been married before.
Harriet, I already know that.
- You know about my husbands?
- Yes.
Stay away from me!
- CharIie, what are you doing?
- Get away from me!
Come on. Stay away.
Stay away from me.
No, don't! Charlie!
Please, don't! Don't, Charlie.
- Get off of me!
- Wait. Charlie. Charlie!
Would you mind not doing that?
This bothers you?
No, it's one of my favorite things.
Oh, no! Don't go!
Charlie! Charlie!
Hello? Hello! Hello! Hello!
"Dear Harriet, I just can't
handle the commitment.
It's too hard.
I'm leaving you.
Love, Charlie."
I didn't write--
What the fuck ?! Rose ?!
- Charlie, open the door!
- Rose is trying to kill me!
- What ?
- Yeah !
I wrote this note!
You're not supposed
to be in the room...
when this note has been written
and placed on the desk.
Do you understand me?
You took her away from me,
Charlie, like all the rest.
I have had it!
are going to die.
Would you mind waiting for me?
I may have to apprehend somebody.
If I have to take 'em into custody...
I'm gonna need transportation
to the police station.
Thank you.
What are you doing?
Charlie, be careful!
Run, Charlie!
Somebody, help!
Hurry! I'm in here!
Help! Who's there?
Who's there? Charlie?
- Charlie, help!
- Charlie!
I'm in the closet!
Come here! Open the closet!
We gotta get Charlie.
Please! What are you doing?
No, we gotta go!
Shut up!
Come on!
- Charlie's on the roof.
- Shut up.
Shut up!
Let's just take this down a notch.
So what you're sayin' to me...
is that Rose killed your husbands,
forged breakup notes...
to make you think
that they left you.
Yes, yes, yes! That's them
up on the roof. Up on the roof!
Listen !
Oh, you just don't get it, do you?
We can talk about this here...
or we can talk about it downtown.
- Charlie !
- Harriet !
- Charlie, I'm coming up!
- Charlie, hang on!
Charlie, be careful!
Oh, God.
San Francisco Police.
I got you.
Let go of her, Charlie.
I got her.
Okay, Rose. Come on.
We're going in. Sorry.
Happy in her cage
No longer full of rage
She roosts
Sweet Harriet
You acted cuckoo
'Cause you thought I would leave you
Sweet bird
Sweet Harriet
So knowing
So trusting
So lov-ed
Sweet Harriet...