Soapdish (1991) Movie Script

We're here outside New York's
fabulous Plaza Hotel
for the 32nd Annual Daytime
Television Awards.
And a glorious, glamorous night it is.
A night of a thousand stars.
From The Sun Also Sets,
it's Montana Moorehead
and Ariel Maloney.
Ariel! Ariel!
Such approval from this crowd tonight,
it must make you feel good.
Well, we have the greatest, most loyal
fans in the world, don't we?
With his stars tonight, of course,
is the show's producer,
David Seton Barnes.
David, a big night for you.
Yes, when I originally hatched
the Caribbean theme back in '87...
-Celeste Talbert!
-Shall we?
-Celeste Talbert!
You know her as Maggie, of course,
from The Sun Also Sets.
She's here tonight with Blair Brennan,
who plays her gorgeous husband Bolt
on the show.
Celeste, my gosh, your 12th nomination
as Best Daytime Actress.
It must get to be old hat for you.
Never, Leeza.
It's always such a genuine thrill.
I know you're anxious to get inside
and share
in all the excitement
of tonight's awards.
-Best of luck to you tonight, Celeste.
-Thanks so much, Leeza.
Now the oil refineries belong to me,
only me.
And another thing.
You're all fired.
And now our fifth nominee,
Celeste Talbert from
The Sun Also Sets.
I never said I was the best mother
in the world.
Give me a little credit, will you?
Credit for being someone who tried
to love you the only way she knew how.
Darling! My darling.
Yes! Yes, yes, yes!
I am guilty.
Guilty of love in the first degree.
If this operation isn't a success,
if I should die...
please, please...
please, don't be sad.
I want you to be happy.
You were the great love of my life.
And the award for Best Actress
in a Daytime Drama...
Tell me you don't love this.
...goes to...
Celeste Talbert.
Five minutes, Mr. Loman.
Don't call me Mr. Loman.
My name is Anderson,
Anderson, Anderson.
Bigger than Uncle Charley.
Uncle Charley is not liked.
He's liked, but he's not well liked.
There's so many people to thank.
First of all,
my fabulous supporting cast,
who gives a new meaning
to the word "support."
I hate her so much.
And, of course, a great big special
thanks to my best pal, my rock,
the head writer on The Sun Also Sets,
Rose Schwartz.
Rosie, stand up, take a bow.
Thank you, everyone,
and have a terrific evening.
See you on the television.
I'm home.
Did you watch? I won!
Yeah, well...
Just as well you didn't come, though.
You'd have been bored senseless.
And the reception!
So many people! I tried to get home
as soon as I could.
But you know me,
I didn't want to be rude to anybody.
First you have to say
hi to all the executives... Adam?
Then you have to say hi
to all the executives' wives.
Celeste, it's Adam. I'm at
the airport. Goodbye, my darling.
It was beyond great, but I realize
I have to go back
to Sarah and the kids.
It's like a chemical thing...
Hey, putz, I'll be of fin a second!
I've left you the plants, darling.
Please water them.
And treat them as lovingly
as you treated me.
Jesus! Please!
-You do want me, don't you, David?
-You know I do.
-Then get rid of her.
-You think that's easy?
-Give her Alzheimer's.
-Right. Rose is in the way.
-Fire Rose.
-Not with Celeste protecting her.
-God! Celeste! Celeste! Look, David!
-Remember those revisions.
I am 28 years old, okay?
I need this to happen now.
Look, I am not a new face anymore.
Listen, she's just won her 8th
Shmeggy, all right?
Edmund's crazy about her.
She's got a lot of juice.
That's when you dump people, okay?
When they're still on top.
Before they lose their popularity
and drag the show down with them.
Excuse me?
All right, look. I have a public,
okay? They write me letters.
"More Montana," they write.
Look at these.
"Celeste Talbert is a menopausal hag.
Let's see more of Montana Moorehead."
What are you looking at?
"Maria Randozzi.
Fort Lee, New Jersey."
Fort Lee. That's your audience,
okay? That's the heartland.
I'm aware of my demographics.
Are you?
Story conference in Gerald's office
will start at 5:15.
Story conference...
Think I don't want that?
I want her off the show worse
than you do. You know why?
Then it's my show!
-Our show. A young show.
-A happening show.
Like Laguna Beach.
Better than Laguna Beach. Hotter.
-Wetter. Saltier.
-Why aren't we having sex yet?
-You know the rules.
Get rid of her, Mr. Fuzzy is yours.
God, she's cheap.
Ready Three, go to Three.
Ready Two... I mean, One!
-What is it?
-I was so afraid you were gone.
Darling, I could never leave you.
That's a cut! That's a cut!
Next time, could you wear a swimsuit
underneath the towel?
It's a little early in the day for me.
-I can't act in a swimsuit.
-I know.
Pumpkin, were you celebrating
last night?
Your eyes, they look a little reddish.
We heard about Adam. It's so sad.
Breaking families apart
is such a tragedy.
Anything you need, you just call.
Anytime, day or night.
I really don't deserve friends
like you. I'm just too lucky.
David. David!
-David, David, David!
-Great scene with Bolt.
I realize I'm not a young woman.
However, could you point out to
our new costume designer,
whose name I don't quite have yet...
-Tawny Miller.
-How do you do?
...that I don't feel quite right
in a turban?
What I feel like
is Gloria fucking Swanson.
What am I, 70, David? Am I 70?
Why don't you just put me in a walker?
Buy a goddamn walker and put me in it?
-You're fired.
I'm just kidding.
Attention. No turbans
for Miss Talbert.
Set Four is a hot set...
Gloria Swanson is dead, see?
I don't mean dead in a sense,
I mean actually dead.
I'm 42 years old.
I don't want to be dressed like a dead
woman, can you understand that?
-All right. Then maybe we'll be pals.
Not good ones.
What is this? PBS?
I'm sorry, is that your chair?
You're out of here.
Very, very good, Mark. Very true.
I love what you're doing.
I just think we could try it
one more time, and this time...
I don't know,
maybe try one without your shirt.
Will you be having wine with dinner?
I think we've found our waiter.
Will you be having wine with dinner?
Will you be having wine
with your dinner?
Will you be having wine
with your dinner?
Will you be having wine
with your dinner?
He said he was from
the South of France.
No, I don't think
I've seen him before.
Don't ask me why
I slept so poorly last night,
for if I tell you, you'll just say
I'm making a big deal out of nothing.
-I'll take it.
Hey, you can't go in there!
Hi, I'm Lori Craven
and I'm an actress.
An actress? Really? How nice for you.
I'm Betsy Faye Sharon and I'm a bitch.
Now get out of here.
Miss Sharon,
I've got to get on this show.
I'm not asking for special treatment,
I'm just asking for a chance.
-Hi, Betsy.
Listen, we need new homeless now.
Yeah, but good-looking homeless.
This bunch are disgusting.
We could've picked them up
off the street. Come on, Betsy!
Okay, all right.
-When can you start?
-Open up!
All right, Miss Talbert,
for your approval.
We have this for the beach scene.
What do you think of this?
Okay. Or I could line it.
Or I have a black one that might...
No, that's not good. Okay.
Then for tomorrow's fight with Bolt
you'll wear this.
Okay, all right.
And then for when Blade
accidentally shoots the Contessa...
What do you think of this?
Is this beautiful?
I think with your hair and eyes
this is gonna look beautiful,
because of the yellow.
Okay. We can accessorize
in the morning.
I had this... It's just an idea.
How do you feel about sort of
a Tammy Faye Bakker kind of thing?
You know?
Not like the boots or the crucifix,
or anything,
but just some eyelashes,
just to bring your eyes out.
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
All right, Cel...
Rose, don't hover. Come in or get out.
What are you doing?
Have you gone insane? Do you know
the word on the floor
is that you're crazed today?
What are you... What's in your mouth?
-A cigarette.
-I know it's a cigarette.
Why is it in your mouth?
You don't smoke.
-I do now.
-Okay. Are you okay?
-Yes. Fine.
-You're fine? Fine.
Adam went home to his wife.
When I got home last night
there was a message on the machine.
On the machine, Rose! On the machine.
-He's a dog.
-He went home to Pittsburgh.
-Dirty dog.
Does that tell you anything
about my appeal?
Why were you going with somebody
from Pittsburgh in the first place?
-It was inevitable because I'm...
-...a home-wrecker.
-A home-wrecker. And I'm old.
-They put me in a turban.
-A turban?
-It's a plot!
-It is a plot! A plot!
David and Montana, they're plotting
against me every day, all day long.
-I can't do this.
You're right. You are right.
Why don't you please tell me
to get off the show?
You're not going to eat that, are you?
Then what did you order it for?
I don't know.
-Cover it up.
-I like them.
I'm looking at crawdad butts.
Cover 'em up.
I was up half the night thinking
of all these men, these losers,
all the way back to Jeffrey Anderson.
You went with him when you were a kid.
You gotta get over this.
I'm gonna start eating with Montana.
You're driving me crazy.
I have to get off this show
while I'm alive.
That's fine.
I could write you out for six months,
you could take a sabbatical.
Six months you'll be gone.
We'll just say that Maggie went to
Tibet to visit with the Dalai Lama.
Like a spiritual thing.
I thought the Dalai Lama moved to LA.
Then some other Lama. It doesn't
matter. Fernando Lamas. Come on!
No! What would I do on a sabbatical?
This is all I know, this show.
It's so pathetic.
I think it's time to take a big trip
across the George Washington Bridge.
-I just think it's a good idea.
It's a crutch. It's a crutch.
We'll just do it
this one last time, okay?
All right, this once.
-I'm ready, are you?
Look! Look!
Aren't you... You're on that TV show.
Look, the lady on the TV!
You look so small.
It's that lady from The Sun Also...
Give me a piece of paper
so I can get her autograph. Hurry up!
You're so pretty! Look at her!
Wait a minute.
One at a time.
I see you on TV every day.
Oh, my God. What's her name?
-Excuse me...
-What is your... Tell me your name.
Shut up! I want her. What's your name?
Celeste! That's you. Give me that pen.
Sign this for me.
You have to wait for me, honey.
-Yes... To who?
-Litice. L-I-T-I-C-E.
I can't believe it.
Your hair looks nice.
You can leave now.
I can't believe it's her... Go ahead.
There you are.
Hello! Hello!
Over here. I think you've been
waiting the longest.
Absolutely. Renting cars to people,
that's acting.
That's how I feel,
that I'm performing.
The motivation's built in.
You could tell I had talent
just by watching me lease a car?
It's that obvious.
My God, you have beautiful hands.
Hands say so much about a person,
I think.
As an actor,
I'm very conscious of my hands.
When I play Willy, I actually feel
as if I have salesman's hands.
You are something up there.
I couldn't keep my eyes off you.
I noticed you, too.
You're the girl in the brown uniform.
I think that we're avoiding intimacy.
My therapist said...
We have to drive that bitch off
the show. I racked my brain for ideas.
I got it. We give her Bell's palsy.
Right? On the... On the...
-What kind of moron are you?
-It's a disfiguring disease...
David, do you remember what happened
on Bold and the Brash
when they made Tiffany
become incontinent?
Do you? Thousands of
sympathy letters, okay?
She became the bed-wetter's
celebrity spokesperson.
She hosted her own telethon. I mean,
is that what we want, David?
We've got to get off the dime
here sexually. 'Cause I'm losing it.
-I'd kill to have you on all fours.
-Would you, David?
Then you know what you have to do?
Make Maggie a murderess.
-A death!
It'll turn the country against her.
-It can't be one of the regulars.
-Not even Bolt?
No. Bolt's gold, especially with the
whole impotency thing coming up.
-One of the extras or...
-One of the extras.
-One of the homeless, David!
-That's cruel.
It's very cruel.
You do want me, don't you, David?
-In the weirdest way.
-Because you're this close.
I've gotta seriously
review this relationship.
Ariel should be raped by Father Corey.
I think the Contessa should be
kidnapped by some colored guys.
-Colored guys?
Will you bring us up to date
before Edmund gets here?
Yeah. Feel free to follow along.
Claude is determined to attend Steve's
funeral in a motorized wheelchair,
which he operates
by blowing into a tube.
Meanwhile, Montana...
That's cute, but when are we
going to put someone in a coma?
Actors don't like to play a coma.
They feel it limits the range.
Very good, Rose.
-Morning, sir.
-Morning, Mr. Edwards.
Morning, Mr. Edwards.
We were just going over
some of the storylines, and...
I would like to voice
my strong concern
about this show's
spiraling decline in ratings.
David, ever since you took us
to the Caribbean,
it's been Jamaica,
homeless people sucking soup,
and the big wave outside
that cost $100,000.
That's depressing and it's expensive.
Two words I hate.
You know the words I like?
I like the words
"peppy" and the word "cheap."
"Peppy" and "cheap."
Well, I agree 1,000%.
Rose and I were just exploring...
No, we weren't. and peppy storylines.
Yes we were.
I also wanted to keep
the socially relevant storylines,
such as the homeless
or oil spills or breast implants.
...buzzword of the '90s.
Guys... Hey, hey, hey!
The point I'm trying to make
is that quiz shows are beating us.
There's a lady cooking sausages,
almost tied us last week.
A guy at my tennis club said it
should be called The Sun Also Sucks.
I don't like this, gentlemen.
Now, I have been the head
of daytime programming here
for a very long, long time.
-Maybe too long.
-Don't be silly.
-You are daytime programming!
-But I do know one thing.
When the ratings go down,
you have to do something drastic.
The D-word, David. Drastic.
Might I suggest... a murder?
A murder?
An accidental murder
of one of the homeless.
Who would murder a homeless person?
-Ultimately, it's great for her.
She has a trial and she gets let off.
It's really up.
We want something that's up.
You're telling me you want her
to murder somebody,
and you want it to be
a homeless person!
Listen, relax, okay?
It's topical and it has resonance.
Forget it. I'm not doing it.
Rose, how much
are your condo payments?
Listen, you.
I have worked for this woman
for 15 years.
I have written every line
she's ever uttered.
I ain't writing nothing garbagey
like that, you understand me?
What did Rose say? What did she say?
She loves it, but she's really tired,
so we're gonna flesh it out,
she'll polish it in the morning.
I don't think we have
really established Maggie
in the soup kitchen milieu.
Burton, she's in the milieu now.
Gonna give her a ladle. Case closed.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I was wrong, you were right.
-I'm sorry.
-Who dies?
Who dies? Right.
-Look at the hooters on that one.
-Mark's good.
We should kill that blonde one.
You can't kill a blonde woman...
That's her.
-She dies.
-David, give me a break.
She's got a face like an angel.
Celeste should kill her,
with that face?
You know why? Because it's powerful.
The young girl,
she's beautiful but she's deranged.
She's a powder keg.
She's got a chemical imbalance.
What do you call it?
-The Bill Styron thing.
She goes in the soup kitchen,
Celeste is there.
She says, "Want some soup?"
No, but it clicks something off.
She snaps, all right?
She pulls a knife out,
Celeste wrestles her to the ground,
she falls on the knife.
-Where does she get this knife?
-On her. Burton.
It can work.
She came in yesterday.
I don't know who the hell she is.
Her name's Naven, Maven,
Slaven, Claven...
-There's no agent.
-Find her.
-What if she can't act?
-That never stopped us before.
We make her mute. She doesn't speak,
we don't have to pay her as much.
A homeless deaf mute.
What could be more pathetic?
God, I'm good.
-Lori Craven?
-This is your lucky...
Okay, here's what's going to happen.
You're starving. Yes?
You haven't eaten in years. You smell
the soup and you get in line.
Now, your knees are shaking.
Go on, shake your knees.
A little less.
Perfect, perfect, beautiful.
Okay, so, when the soup lady arrives,
something inside of you snaps,
something mental.
-A crack-up.
It's all gotten to you.
The grinding poverty,
the deprivation,
the peeing in the streets.
So you reach into your bag
and you grab the knife.
-It's really big.
-It'll look smaller on the screen.
So you take the knife
and you lunge at the soup lady.
Now, as you are mute,
you cannot speak, okay?
So you just grunt a little,
okay? Try it.
-Who do I lunge for?
You lunge for Maggie,
Miss Celeste Talbert.
You're in the big-time, kid.
Okay, boys and girls,
we're going to tape this rehearsal.
And remember, poverty,
depression, society's ills.
We are making a statement here,
so let's not underline the statement,
let's just make it.
-I'm sorry, David.
could I talk to you outside
for a minute?
-About what?
-This Uncle Hugo thing and the will.
-I find it confusing.
-You're confused?
The man was your uncle. He died.
He didn't leave you shit.
You're upset. Period.
But what about their history together,
okay, she and Uncle Hugo?
Was there always animosity?
Yes, ever since
you ran over the man's schnauzer.
Look, I have my script outside.
Please. I just want to make
some notes, okay? Please.
You know,
I would think you were acting,
but you've never been this good.
First team for camera blocking.
Five minutes, first team.
-Here it comes.
David. David.
-I'm so sorry.
I murder some homeless girl?
Are you nuts?
-Rose! Rose!
-Rose! Rose!
She was just here a second ago.
Sweetie, I know, but it's an accident.
-Then what?
-Then there's a great trial.
Trial? David, another trial?
There hasn't been a trial since '87.
They want a death.
-I'm not doing it.
-Well, okay.
-Oh, my God.
-It's nothing, just my...
David! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Here, the 4th meridian,
get it right here, please...
Okay, I've got it.
Will you call Edmund yourself
and just ask him to talk to you?
Because I swear to God,
-they're just hot for a killing.
-They said that?
You have no idea the flak
I've been getting from management.
I'm trying to shield you from it,
because I love you and that's my job.
But this time, he laid down the law,
but we're not gonna do it.
-We're not?
I said, "Celeste isn't gonna be
a happy camper.
"They can't make me do this to her,
I love her."
-Maybe we should do it.
-No, I can't,
it hurts me too much to hurt you.
-I won't do it!
-Look, David.
This is not your decision to make.
This comes from upstairs.
We've got to get up from here
right now, get over there and do it.
Let's do it. Places, everybody.
Let's go.
Tawny! Where the hell is that woman?
Places, everyone.
And three...
For you.
-Have a little soup, it's so warming.
-You're so kind, miss.
Call me Maggie.
Yes, there we are.
Please go in and get out of the sun.
It's coming, it's coming.
Here's yours.
And yours, my dear.
Some for you.
And you.
One after this, one after this.
One for you.
Aunt Celeste.
That's a cutsky.
-Did the mute speak?
-Lori, you're a mute, doll.
Try not to speak.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Hi, Edward. I am so livid. I think
that Rose Schwartz should be...
We thought you'd feel that way.
We love it, too.
It's so good to see you! God!
Look at you! What are you doing here?
-Well, I left college.
-You left college.
You left...
You don't mean you left college?
You left it? No.
No, that's not possible. No. Come on.
Aunt Celeste, I'm so grateful
for everything you've done.
The tuition, all the cheques.
How could I live without you?
-Where are you staying?
-Aren't you Maggie?
-I'm staying at the Hotel Marmaduke.
-There's no such place.
-Yes, there is.
Okay, we'll go there,
we'll get your stuff
and then we'll go
straight to the airport.
-Where are we going?
-You're going home.
I can't go home, Celeste.
I just got a job.
Celeste, I want to act!
Don't say that, "I want to act,"
ever, please!
-May I have autograph?
-Yes, to who?
-To Wy.
-Sorry, sir, thanks anyway.
-Who's it to?
Celeste, I can't shake it.
It's all I ever think about.
-Does Grandma know you're here?
-Yes, I told her yesterday.
You're too young to be
in the city by yourself.
Celeste, you were 16
when you came to New York.
You see me as a role model?
You want to end up like me?
I need a cab!
I can't have it! I just can't have it!
Why does it have to be about you,
Celeste? What about me?
I guess I didn't fly home to
Des Moines and see you in
the senior play,
missing three days' work? Please.
-Excuse me.
-Pardon me, I'm having a life here.
-But I love you.
-I love you.
Who sent you Godiva chocolates
when you were sick, Federal Express?
-And phone you day and night?
-I'm staying, Celeste.
-You're going.
-Read my lips.
Don't say "read my lips," really.
-Are you serious?
-I'm very serious.
All right, if you're staying,
you're staying with me.
It didn't work. I'm not going to let
this work to her advantage, okay?
We need to be smart.
I had a thought. You and I never
exchanged our views about religion,
we never shared our
childhood memories...
You want to know about
my childhood, okay?
I had no friends, all right?
I wore too much make-up.
All the kids around me
thought I was evil.
Now look at me. Nurse Nan.
David, I cannot be
the villain forever. I'm...
I'm sweet, I'm tender. I'm a victim.
Can you just...
One second, with the hair?
I need a cigarette.
I want Celeste to burn.
So do I. Especially if it will help
bring us closer together,
which I think it will.
I'm an optimist. Do you want to hear
about my childhood?
The actor that wrote you that time,
the one Celeste had the affair with,
the one she hated.
Jeffrey Anderson. Yeah, she had him
thrown off the show in, like, 1912.
-Bring him back.
-Excuse me...
-Do you mind!
-Okay, just checking.
No, he's probably
selling something somewhere.
Plus, who knows where the hell he is?
-He's in Florida.
-Do you mind?
-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
What is it about you? I can't put
my finger on it. You're not my type.
I'm used to dating petite, waifish
girls that don't wear any eye shadow.
But I'm so drawn to you.
It's not just chemical,
I believe that it's spiritual.
I believe it, too, David. Now, if you
want to get to know the real me...
Find Jeffrey Anderson.
-Can I touch your breasts?
-Find him!
Where'd you go this time, Pop?
I got on the road and I went north
to Providence. Met the mayor.
-The mayor of Providence?
-What did you say?
-The mayor of Providence.
You said the mayor of Providence, Pop?
Yeah, the mayor of Providence.
-Rhode Island.
-He was sitting in the hotel lobby.
-Waiter! Waiter!
-What did he say?
-Good morning.
I said, "You've got
a fine city here, Mayor."
-And then...
-You're doing so well up there.
Then I had a cup of coffee.
Then I went to Boston.
Fine city, Boston.
Then a couple of other towns in Mass.
Portland and Bangor and straight home.
What is he yelling?
-You have a visitor, Mr. Loman.
-Stop calling me Mr. Loman!
Hi, Jeffrey. David Barnes, producer,
The Sun Also Sets.
-Saw the show.
-No, not tonight!
Jesus, God, they were awful.
I've seen dinner theater before,
I know real talent when I see it.
-I think you're one of a kind.
-You do?
-Can I buy you a drink?
You look a little parched.
Yeah, thanks. Sure, the bar's just...
-Why don't you change first, okay?
-What? Yeah, sure,
I'll be right there.
What exactly would I be
doing on the show?
We thought, actually, you'd just
return as the original character.
-Rod Randall?
-Here it is.
Rod Randall returns to Fleerville
as a world-famous doctor.
-He's been studying in Europe.
-I like it.
Life-and-death issues.
He's been abroad.
Kind of a continental,
world-weary kind of thing.
That's it.
I like it. He's seen things in Europe.
European things. Sophisticated things.
Things of the world.
-Maybe an accent?
-I'd stay away from accents.
-Now, after...
-Thing is though,
I've got this idea for a one-man
Hamlet I've been working on.
-I need time to develop that.
-Yeah, well, come to New York.
We'll set you up with a producer,
we'll do it off-Broadway...
See, my theory is that
all the characters are Hamlet.
It's all happening in Hamlet's head.
So you only need one actor.
Am I crazy?
No. That actually clears up
a lot of stuff for me.
In lieu of that, vis--vis,
back to The Sun Also Sets,
it is the topic at hand...
Shortly after returning to Fleerville,
Doctor Rod Randall...
starts a torrid love affair...
with Celeste Talbert.
Celeste Talbert?
She was the one who
had me axed off the show 20 years ago.
I mean, Celeste and I,
we were just kids.
But... Excuse me.
Still, we had something,
there was a fire, a passion.
No. She wanted to be a big star.
Nothing else mattered, love, nothing.
Look at this.
Talk about fame's fleeting chariot.
Gee whiz.
Jesus. Yeah.
Boy, did that get screwed up.
But now here you are, out of the blue,
offering me another chance.
A chance to be something,
to be somebody.
Get reacquainted with Celeste.
And wreck her life
the way she wrecked mine.
Story conference
in Gerald's office, ten minutes...
-New boy in town?
-Just stepped off the choo-choo.
-You have beautiful eyes.
-They're nothing compared to my tits.
Come up and see me sometime.
Good morning.
-Yes. Hello, Miss Talbert.
-Have you met my niece, Lori?
-Yes, I have, several times.
-She's my new roommate.
-Good for you.
Celeste, why do you have to make
such a production about it?
So I'm happy for one brief,
flickering moment. Sue me!
-Where're you going?
Extras room.
I have to get into my homeless rags.
Rod Randall is back from the dead?
How dumb is this?
The man was killed in 1973
in an auto accident.
So he wasn't killed, he was maimed.
-We give him reconstructive surgery.
-What are you talking about?
They guy was decapitated.
I looked it up.
He was on his way
to the Yukon in a pink convertible
to see his brother,
who was an ex-con named Francis,
when a tractor-trailer
came along and decapitated him.
You know what that means?
It means he doesn't have a head.
How am I supposed to write
for a guy that doesn't have a head?
He's got no lips, no vocal chords.
What do you want me to do?
They froze the head. They put it
on ice, they put it back on
in a precedent-setting,
two-day operation.
-Will you use your imagination?
-He doesn't have a head!
Never mind.
I will work this out myself.
What I want you to help me understand
is making Celeste Montana's mother.
Did Celeste have her
when she was five, six, seven? When?
Guess what? You'll work it out.
You're a writer.
What is this horseshit? I'm Montana's
mother? Never! And you...
-No, no, no.
-I can't believe that you would...
Don't start with me.
I didn't write it. He did it.
-And you.
-I was under orders.
So was Hitler.
No, I don't mean Hitler,
I mean the other guy.
-The other one. No.
-Eichmann. Thank you.
Eichmann. That's you.
Rod Randall comes back from Vienna,
I fall in love with him,
and Montana
turns out to be my daughter?
How in the name of God
is that possible?
Well, we haven't figured that out yet,
but it's a dark secret
that's been torturing you for years.
David, you can't turn me into
a grandmother. I still have my looks.
I think the romance
with Rod balances that.
-Who plays him?
-He's an actors' actor.
No. You're not going to stick me
with John Farbstein again,
the one with the yellow teeth
and the long nose hair.
I'm not getting in bed with him.
There's some people
I don't get in bed with.
Sorry, I thought this
was my dressing room.
Hello, Celeste.
Maybe I should've sent a memo.
No, Rod, this is not the time. We must
think of the poor deaf girl upstairs.
Good evening.
I'm Doctor Monica Demonico, the
neurosurgeon assigned to this case.
You must be Doctor Rod Randall. Good
of you to come on such short notice.
The girl is going to be fine.
I trained in Europe.
Maggie, I know we've had
our differences in the past...
Maggie! I came as soon as I heard.
I was at the gym doing leg lifts
when Father Corey
told me about your experience
at the soup kitchen.
-Are you all right?
-I didn't realize you'd be here.
-Well, I am.
Rod, I'd like you to meet
my husband, Bolt.
Doctor Rad Rondall... Rod Randall.
He's an old friend of the family.
He's been studying on the continent.
Hello, Mother.
I need a moment alone.
Well, auf Wiedersehen.
Maggie. I've thought
about nothing except...
what we once...
I'm sorry, I forgot the lines.
-Can I do that again?
-We're still rolling.
-Ready when you are.
-Sorry. One more time.
-We'll pick it up from the kiss.
Maggie, I've thought about nothing
except what we once...
were, how we...
Sorry, I just didn't feel anything.
One more time?
-One more.
Maggie, I've thought about nothing
except what we once were.
-How we made magic.
-That's a cutsky!
That one was good for me.
-Special scene, sweetheart.
-Celeste! Celeste!
Don't you dare run away from me.
That was completely unprofessional.
That was unprofessional?
What was that crap
you were you trying to pull on me?
I was trying to get the scene right.
I'm a perfectionist. You know that.
Jeffrey, things are hard
for me right now,
in life and on the show, okay?
Things were hard for me 20 years ago
when you spat me out
and left me for dead.
And you're back to return the favor.
That's what this is?
Some kind of revenge thing?
Don't flatter yourself.
I'm here for me!
I've got a chance at a career.
And I'm not gonna blow it this time.
David's going to help me produce
my one-man Hamlet off-Broadway.
And the world is going to
rediscover a major talent.
You believe David?
You're just trying to get rid of me.
It's not going to work.
I'm not going back to Florida, no-how.
You try playing Willy Loman
in front of a bunch of
old farts eating meatloaf.
Chewing and slurping
and spitting out their bits.
Every night, listening to them
coughing and hawking and retching.
I was in hell, consigned there by you.
What happened to your career
was not my fault.
-That's not how I see it.
-If I hurt you, I'm really sorry.
-I was very young.
-Not anymore, babe.
What's your hurry, anyway?
Gotta get to the mall?
Give them my best in Paramus.
-With a spoon.
He's mine. You touch, you die.
I wouldn't dream of it.
He's perfect for you.
Excuse me, can I join you?
I'm Lori Craven. The homeless mute.
Of course. You speak beautifully
for a mute. Please.
Thank you.
That was quite a scene
with you and Celeste.
-Thank you.
-No, I meant after.
That. Yes, well, there's a bit
of history there, I'm afraid.
Yeah, she said. You were
on the show in the old days.
The old days, yes.
So long ago that we had
cigarette commercials done by doctors.
-Could I ask you a small favor?
-Give my aunt a break.
-Gladly. Who's your aunt?
-Celeste is my aunt.
-Celeste is your aunt?
Yeah. I know this is
none of my business,
but she feels
very threatened right now.
This place is crawling with sub-plots.
So you're her niece?
The beautiful little mute.
I see the resemblance, of course.
-The determined little chin.
-Exactly. And the hands.
More expressive than Celeste's. May I?
Hands say so much about a person,
don't you think?
Rose, tell me about your family again.
What they're like.
You know what they're like.
I've told you.
What, are you trying to give me gas?
I just ate. Forget it.
Have you ever done anything
really horrible to them?
Aside from naming my twins
Venus and Saturn,
which was grist for the mill
for ten years?
Ten years! And my mother finally
forgave me like a year ago.
But she keeps bringing it up
at public holidays.
I should be taken out and shot, Rose,
for what I've done to mine.
What are you talking about?
You've been great to Lori.
You've written her,
you've sent her presents. What?
-I don't know.
-Then why are you crying?
-I don't know.
-Then quit it.
It's so great to have her here,
living with me for these couple of
weeks, to have her to talk to.
We can talk about anything, nothing,
the weather, what we're going to wear.
She's grown up so nice,
don't you think?
She's gorgeous.
-She's such a lady!
I'm so lucky!
Jesus! Listen, I'm going to
go get some flowers...
-Don't go.
-What do you mean, "don't go"?
Will you let me go? You're standing
in the middle of the street.
All right. Don't worry about me.
-Tell the twins I love them.
-Will you stop already?
You want roses or carnations?
I should give you some poison ivy.
Hey, look,
it's Maggie from The Sun Also Sets.
Would you sign this, please?
So you think I should
take movement classes?
Absolutely, very important.
When I was in Death of a Salesman,
for instance...
-You did Death of a Salesman? God!
-Willy. What can I say?
I'm very impressed!
-I know that sounds adolescent...
-It was in a nothing little theater,
but all the time,
I was obsessed with my hands.
I made them feel
like salesman's hands.
Really? You mean manicured? Or clumsy?
Exactly. Hands that
had written out all those invoices.
Hands that reach out for Howard,
pleading for his job.
-Am I going too fast? Just say so.
-Jeffrey, I really like you.
-You do?
But the hand thing,
it started to sound rehearsed.
-Maybe I need new material.
-No, I mean talk, like ourselves.
-Would you like to have dinner?
-With me? Just like that?
-Yeah, just like that.
Why is Jeffrey back?
Rose, why is he back?
You've got to kill him off.
Get him out of town.
Give him a disease.
I can't. The boys upstairs
are very happy about this.
-Then I'll quit.
-Good idea.
You know I won't quit.
Why do you say "good idea"?
-I'm home. Hello. Hi, Rose.
-Hi, honey.
-Did you have a nice evening?
-He was very charming.
-Jeffrey Anderson.
Didn't I tell you
I was going out with him?
God. God. God.
What is the matter? What's the matter?
What do you mean, "what's the matter"?
They went to dinner. So?
He's not entitled to go to dinner
with her. God!
She's a big girl.
She can defend herself.
You know, to the outside eye,
to the person who doesn't know
what a forgiving,
wonderful person you can be,
this could look like you're jealous.
How do your parents feel about
you living in this cesspool?
They're dead.
It's okay. My grandma raised me
and I've always had Aunt Celeste.
-"Aunt Celeste"?
I just have trouble imagining her
related to anyone, you know, human.
Celeste said that
I should stay away from you.
-Really, why?
-She said you were dangerous.
-Are you, Doctor Randall?
-Only when I operate.
-Good evening.
I have an appointment
with Mr. Anderson.
-No, not now.
Tomorrow, actually. I was just
in the neighborhood.
I thought I would double-check.
He's in 11A?
-2D. Of course. 2D.
I was confusing him with my shrink.
He's in 11A.
In another building, of course.
So thanks a lot. See you tomorrow.
Probably in the morning, 11 -ish.
You'll be here?
No, ma'am, the day man will be on.
Of course! They can't work you
24 hours a day, can they?
Thank you very much,
I'll take good care of it.
Listen, I have something
I have to say.
Well, when I first asked you out,
I did it to make Celeste jealous.
-I knew that. Yeah.
-You did?
But that's not the case anymore.
I genuinely like you.
-I really had fun hanging out.
I like you a lot. It was fun.
-See you in surgery.
Jeffrey! Jeff!
Help me! Help!
-You're kidding.
-Jeffrey, please!
-What's going on out there?
-Jeffrey! Jeffrey, help me!
-Knock it off!
-Jeffrey, Jeffrey, help me!
-I'll call the police! Be quiet!
-Oh, dear, now look what you've done.
-I hope you're wearing underwear.
Dare I ask?
I'm lost? I'm not familiar
with the neighborhood?
You get a nice view of it from
up here. Here we go. I got you.
-Here we go. I got you.
I got you. Okay.
-My back!
-I got you, it's okay. It's okay.
-You sure that's why you're here?
-Get your hands off my...
God, you're so disgusting!
Lori! Lori!
Lori, get your clothes on,
your aunt's here!
You low-life, lecherous... Lori!
-She left ten minutes ago.
-Don't insult my intelligence.
-Why are you here?
-This is my apartment. I live here.
Why are you here?
I'll tell you why I'm here.
I'll tell you why I'm here.
-I'm here because...
-Go on, say it.
-Go on, say it.
"I want you, Jeffrey!
I'm consumed with
"jealousy for my niece
because I want you for myself."
-You still have feelings for me.
Admit it!
I have feelings about you,
not for you.
There's a very big difference!
No, you're ashamed of them,
but you still have the feelings.
You realize
what a terrible mistake it was
throwing me out of your life
110 years ago.
Look at you, you're exactly the same!
Even for an actor,
you're an egomaniac!
Of course I'm an egomaniac.
I've got America's sweetheart
climbing up my drainpipe!
I didn't know it was your drainpipe.
I thought it was
someone else's drainpipe.
No, you knew it was mine.
Your eyes, they're burning.
-I've got the flu.
-No, they're burning with passion.
-You're full of shit.
-Of course I'm full of shit,
but not about that!
There. I'm sorry, I had to do that.
Stay away from my niece.
-You'll be back!
-Like hell I will!
So she's jealous of the mute?
This'll kill her.
-Yeah, this is great.
-Next line.
-Got it! "Then Angelique says..."
-Angelique's a mute. Angelique grunts.
-Yeah, grunts? I don't know...
-Then, stage direction.
Later. "Too weak to take
another step, Angelique collapses."
"Doctor Randall..." Later!"Doctor
Randall sweeps her into his arms,
"and kisses her passionately."
-Close-up. Fade to commercial. Go.
-This actually works.
Okay, let me just
get something straight.
Isn't Celeste Talbert
Jeffrey Anderson's
new love interest on the show?
Yes, Leeza,
but now with the introduction
of the youthful Angelique,
Lori Craven,
we have created a triangle,
and that allows us
to explore a contemporary theme,
which is actually very close
to Miss Talbert's heart,
today's woman as she gets dried-up,
old and sexually undesirable.
It works.
Aren't you supposed to be
down there taping?
No, I'm not in the scene
this afternoon.
Of course you're in the scene.
Maggie's gotta be there
when they discover
Angelique's brain tumor.
-You paid for it.
They told me I'm not in it.
It's a new scene. I'm not in it.
A new scene?
I didn't write any new scene.
It's the only way she'll find
her strength, is if she tries.
-And if she falls...
-What is this?
What are you doing to me?
I didn't write this.
Doctor Randall, it's no secret
what's going on here.
-What is this? What are you doing?
-Where's the goddamn script?
Anyone can see it.
You're falling in love with Angelique.
-Deeply, wildly in love.
-Get away.
What about your Hippocratic oath?
I cannot stand by and let this happen.
I, too, have an oath. A nurse's oath.
A nurse's... Please! A nurse's oath?
You're out of line, Nurse Nan.
Besides, Angelique can read lips.
Come. Yes.
No! No!
-No! No!
-Somebody help!
-Get off him. Celeste!
-Are you crazy? Get off me!
-Don't you dare kiss that girl.
-You're on television!
-Are you out of your mind?
Get her off me! You're crazy!
You're nuts!
Don't you dare kiss her!
You can never kiss her!
-Of course I can kiss her.
-This is ridiculous.
-I can kiss who I want.
-No, you can't! You can't kiss her.
Why, because she's your niece?
No, you nitwit, because she's
my daughter, and your daughter!
-What are you talking about?
We're her parents. You and I.
We're her mommy and her daddy.
It was our fourth date. Summer 1970.
Shakespeare in the Park.
A bottle of Chardonnay.
All's Well That Ends Well.
-We're still rolling.
-I got pregnant and I was so young.
And the show made me sign a paper
saying I'd never mention the baby.
So I went home to Iowa and I had you
and I gave you to Grandma to raise.
And I made up a twin sister Simone,
who died in a car wreck,
said she was your actual mom.
And then the show told everyone
I had TB,
and sent my character
to a sanitarium in Tierra del Fuego.
Now why can't I write shit like this?
And after I came back
from having Lori,
I was terrible to you, I know that.
I know that! I know that!
All right?
I blamed you for messing up
my whole life,
so I had you written off the show,
so you'd disappear, and you did!
Now you're all back and I've ruined
three lives. Three lives!
Me! America's sweetheart!
This is fucking great!
-Pumpkin. Pumpk...
Oh, no? Okay.
-Stay away from me.
Rose, I...
I think that worked quite nicely.
David, thanks for the scoop.
It was incredible!
-There's no way Celeste can stay.
-She was brilliant. She stays.
Hey! Got a minute?
-Mr. Barnes.
-Mr. Edwards?
Someone forget to tell me
about the meeting? I guess so.
Mr. Edwards,
what happened to Celeste was...
...brought on by a flagrant abuse
of prescription drugs.
Exactly. Thank you, Miss Schwartz.
I think we've had this
in the dark long enough.
-We've got the situation under control
and she'll be fired
by the end of the day.
-Fired? Who said "fired"?
-He said it.
We can no longer
tolerate this kind of behavior.
Tolerate! Could you tolerate
the $1 billion of free press
we're going to get because of what
happened down there today?
The phone's been ringing off the hook.
We're gonna be on the evening news.
The tabloids are going to say,
"Real-life soap opera."
Celeste is a bad news buffet.
The people love her because she is
and always will be
the Queen of Misery.
But... No! No...
She's turned unstable. We can't...
Unstable! I'm stable.
Who wants to watch me on television?
Unstable is her talent.
She's been through hell
and we're her family.
So in this crisis
we have to support her.
-We have to love her,
we have to care about her.
And we have to milk it for every
drop of publicity we can get.
I think it's a damn miracle.
I'd say amen.
At 8:00 Central on
World Entertainment Network.
Now, an amazing day in the life
of The Sun Also Sets.
Celeste Talbert, America's sweetheart,
tells the world
she's not so sweet after all.
No! No, you can't kiss her!
You can't ever kiss her!
- You can't ever kiss her!
-Of course I can kiss her!
-I can kiss who I want!
-Lori, trust me.
Lori, where's the smile?
-Lori, Lori, over here.
-Right over here.
Do it, Lori. Lori, good.
Come on back.
Lori. Miss Craven. Come on!
Miss Craven, come on! Come on.
Give us a pose.
Come on, Lori, come on.
That's good.
Can I have your autograph,
Miss Talbert?
Thank you.
I was as shocked as you were. I mean,
I hope you don't think
that I really would've...
-I would've.
-Yes, well, I mean, who wouldn't?
-Luckily, something held us back.
-God, can you imagine?
Yes, I can. I did.
One more date and we'd have had
a Greek tragedy on our hands.
Lori, I...
My daughter Lori... God!
I... I just want to say that...
I know you must be feeling incredibly
strong emotions right now,
but I'd like it very much
if the friendship that we had could...
you know, kind of phase into a
father-daughter kind of arrangement...
-Not right away. I mean,
-You must hate me right now.
-No. I don't hate you. I blame her.
-You had no idea.
-Come in, it's open.
Great. Family reunion.
We should take out some pictures.
We can speak later, Lori.
Nothing has happened
that can't be made better.
Nothing has happened?
You've been deceiving me
for the last 20 years
in the most unbelievably
calculated fashion
and nothing has happened?
You don't know how sorry I am.
I haven't slept a wink.
-Try sleeping pills.
-Yeah, that's a good idea.
I know I've been deceitful,
but I had my reasons.
Maybe they were dumb reasons,
but they were reasons.
Hell, I'm not a genius,
I'm just a working actress.
I never said I was the best mother
in the world.
Give me a little credit, will you?
Credit for being someone who tried to
love you the only way she knew how.
-I know that speech.
-You do?
Yeah. It was the Thanksgiving show,
when Maggie meets Bolt's blind nephew.
-Get out.
Please try to understand
what I'm going through.
I don't give a shit
what you're going through.
There's no need to use
that kind of language.
-Get out!
-Okay. Okay.
They love her. It's a phenomenon.
This is a nightmare.
You promised me
you'd get rid of Celeste.
We were both naked and you promised.
-Hey! We were never naked.
Well, we could've been!
Not only didn't you get rid
of Celeste, you created Lori,
this ingnue from hell.
She has more lines than I do
and she's a goddamn mute!
-Not anymore.
-Not any more what?
-Any more lines?
-Not anymore mute.
Word from upstairs. Next week she
recovers her voice and speaks again.
You're shitting me, right?
She'll take over the show.
-What can I say?
-You're enjoying this.
I'm not enjoying this. It's great
for me. The ratings are flying.
Well, it ain't good for me!
We need to talk. Look,
I don't care what Tawny Miller says,
this hat makes me look
like that goddamn Tweety bird.
-Do you mind?
-You? You're asking me to leave?
That's right. I'm asking you to leave.
Miss Moorehead, may Miss Craven
and I have a moment alone, please?
No problem. Okay. I'm professional.
I do things professionally.
I hate you, I hate you, you pig!
-She's got a lot of spirit.
-She's a deranged bitch.
I couldn't agree more. About the hat.
I have been very patient, God.
This is my moment. I have to seize it.
I know you'll understand.
-Jeffrey, can I talk to you?
-No, I'm going to work.
It's about Lori. I don't expect you
to be nice to me,
I don't expect you to forgive me.
What I did was horrible.
No, no, no.
Dinner theater is horrible.
Doing hemorrhoid commercials
is horrible.
-What you did there are no words for.
-All right, all right.
But this isn't about me.
-What's it about?
-It's about Lori.
You have to talk to her.
She won't talk to me.
She'll talk to you.
She needs you, Jeffrey.
You're her father.
I can't even be in the same
room with her.
I don't know how to be a father,
I don't know how to behave
in front of her.
-Sure you do.
-What would I do? What would I say?
You go to her door and knock on it.
-And say what?
-And say,
"Hi, Lori, it's your dad."
-I can't do that.
-You can do it. Try it.
-Lori, open up, it's your dad.
-No, don't do it like that.
Use your real voice.
Hi, Lori...
-Hi, Lori, it's your dad.
-Felt good. Now what?
You step in the room and you say,
"I know I haven't
been here for you before,
"but I am your father,
and I'm here for you now."
I know I haven't
been here for you before...
but I am your father
and I'm here for you now.
-Yes. Yes.
-Now what?
And then cross to her, put your arm
around her, hold her... Yes.
The rocking is great.
Keep the rocking.
And then say,
"Everything will be okay."
Everything will be okay.
-Did you believe it?
-Then it will.
Hi, guys.
Excuse me for a second,
this is kind of important.
I'm such a ninny. I left my blue scarf
over at your place the other night.
Could you bring it in tomorrow?
-Well, I was right.
You'd be an absolutely superb father.
Wait a minute! You don't actually
believe that I slept with her?
I think you'd sleep with anybody.
But, God, Montana? I feel nauseous.
If you want to believe it, believe it.
It's none of your damn business
anyhow. Get out of my life.
No, wait one minute.
This is my life. You get out.
I'm going nowhere, babe.
Get used to it.
Ready on Two, take three...
I mean, two.
Dear Angelique...
Dear Angelique... Dear Angelique...
David. David, look.
David, look,
she's shitting all over Celeste.
I know, it's very exciting.
-...inspires us all.
-That's a cutsky.
For Christ's sake! I can't believe
I'm having to put up with this.
Damn it.
-Excuse me...
-Don't think of it!
You and Jeffrey Anderson?
It's something I couldn't
hide any longer.
It was important
for me to come forward.
Important as an actress,
as a woman and as a personality.
-You got a light?
-I don't.
I need a light!
Why won't anyone give me a light?
There you are.
-Rose, are you talking to me?
-Yeah, yeah.
Have you got a light?
-I guess I deserve this pain.
-What am I doing?
I guess it's God's will.
I don't know how long I can take it.
Show after show after show.
-That pig!
-Which one?
-It's horseshit!
-What else are you going to say?
-Lori, listen to me, please.
-Will you just hear me out?
You're disgusting! You run around
with your fly open like...
You are my father.
For God's sake, will you act like it?
I'm not surprised.
Montana is desperate for publicity.
You're not surprised? I'm surprised.
I feel that I should be
a part of this.
You people have the morals
of guinea pigs.
How could... How could you?
-You moralizing? Please!
-Hasn't she been through enough here?
Don't you dare take my side!
-How could you do that to her?
-I never touched Montana Moorehead.
But if you don't believe me,
I don't care.
My career has suffered
other slings and arrows.
And you know what? I survived them.
I'll survive this, too.
You know what I'll do?
I'll take my Hamlet up to Canada.
They always loved me in Canada.
What an awful picture! Jesus!
I've never worked in an atmosphere
like this before.
This whole pregnancy thing is a scam.
I resent being treated like a leper.
Having to work with those two
is a personal nightmare for me.
I'm on the verge of a breakdown.
I'm on the verge of
a nervous breakdown.
I could conceivably have a breakdown.
Can you imagine having to face them
on the set every single day?
It just seems to get
harder and harder.
And you know, I have devoted
my entire life to this show.
Mr. Edwards, it's them or me.
That is the bottom line here.
They go or I go.
This is the toughest decision
I've ever had to make.
But I get paid $1.2 million
to make these kind of
command decisions.
So here it is.
Yeah... Yeah!
-Doctor Demonico?
-Can we talk?
...and airs this weekend,
so make sure you
check your local listings.
Now, the real-life soap opera
that has been The Sun Also Sets
will come to a unique climax
as today's live broadcast
reveals whether Celeste Talbert,
Lori Craven or Jeffrey Anderson
will remain on the show.
You mean to say that even the actors
themselves don't know the outcome?
That's correct. As they read
their lines off the teleprompter,
you've worked with these,
they will learn their fate.
Given the incredible
nationwide interest
in the outcome of this broadcast,
and incidentally,
and this will be the highest-rated
show in daytime television history,
we figured that our viewers
deserved the utmost spontaneity.
Hello, David. Sit down.
We'll play tennis this weekend.
You'll come to my country club
up in New Rochelle.
You've never been there, right?
It's a nice place.
Great. Great.
And in three, two, one and in.
Will you be having wine
with your dinner?
She'll have a Diet Pepsi,
I'll have a dry sherry.
-Hold those, I can't wear them.
-I think you'll need them.
-No! They're ugly.
-Would you try?
You're on. Go, go, go!
God, this guy's blind as a bat.
Doctor Randall. What a surprise.
Are you having lunch here?
I will if it's that sample.
I wish it was that simple.
This guy never heard of
contact lenses?
-The test results have come back.
And I'm afraid the results
are very disturbing.
It seems that Angelique
has a rare case of brake fluid...
-bran fluid... bran flavor...
-Brain fever.
-Brain fever.
-Say it!
-Brain fever!
brain fever.
Or what we call in Austria...
At the current rate of inflation,
her brain will laterally
explore the...
-Literally explode?
-Within the next three houses.
Yes, it will literally explode
within the next three hours.
I would suggest leaving the restraint.
The restaurant?
Restaurant... Yes.
Her brain will actually explode?
Yes, I've seen it happen.
It's a dreadful...
It's a dreadful, dreadful thug...
And afterwards...
I'm sorry, Angelique, I really am.
I hope it's not too painful.
Wait a minute,
she's trying to say something.
-She is?
-Yes, she is.
-What's she saying?
-She's saying,
"Can't anything be done?"
-Can't anything be done?
-Yes. Cold compresses?
No, no, I'm sorry,
they don't work with Kopfgeschlagen.
Miracle drugs?
-Nurse Nan.
-I came as soon as I heard the news.
There's a nurse in the restaurant.
Did I miss a meeting?
I don't believe this!
What about a brain transplant?
-A brain transplant?
-Yes, a brain transplant!
But it's far too late
to find a suitable donor.
I'm the donor. Take my brain.
I want to do it. She can't die.
-There's a chance you both could die.
-That's not going to happen,
Nurse Nan. Not while I'm here.
It's impossible. I haven't any tools.
-Well done.
-Doctor Rod.
-I insist that we proceed immediately.
-But you need to sign a release.
-I did.
-You did not.
-I did too. Weeks ago.
-When? I never saw it.
They're on your desk.
I don't think you realize
how serious this operation is.
-It's very serious.
You will not have a brain
when it is complete.
Look, Rod. I don't want my brain.
I don't need it.
Take the goddamn thing!
It's gone. All right, everyone,
clear the restaurant!
They're ad-libbing, David.
I never heard these words.
-This is not in the script. Get David.
-It's busy.
Try it again.
Wait, it's not bad. Let me look.
This is for the best.
-Okay, follow them.
-Clear the way! Right away!
Nurse Nan.
Up here. Sterilize the area.
Rod, where do you want me?
-Trust me.
I've performed this before.
In worse circumstances than this.
-Prepare the brain saw.
-At last, drama!
There was a time when
I would've performed this operation
-with my bare hands.
-I know it.
-But now...
Are you really positive about this?
It's a lot to give up.
I want to. It's a relief.
Very well. Prepare the ether.
Good night, sweet princess.
Mother! No! I can't let you do this.
-She spoke!
-She spoke!
Sudden speech, the last stages
of brain fever.
She could blow any moment.
I could always speak. Mother.
-She's my mother.
-Montana, shut up!
Now, this is a show!
Okay, we gotta stop this right now.
It's hypnotic.
It's like a truth serum.
Celeste, don't leave the show.
I can't live with that.
You, either, Dad.
-Yes, shortly before I left Vienna...
-Jeffrey, give it a rest.
Lori, what are you saying? That you
might want us for real, in life?
-I think so. Yeah.
-You do?
But here's what I don't want.
I don't want any more lying,
I don't want any pretending
or deception of any kind.
-And I need some time.
-Can you understand?
Wait! Wait!
But I'm carrying his child.
I didn't sleep with her.
Will somebody please believe me!
This is what I meant. This is what
I told them to do. This is soap opera.
-A second opinion.
This is Doctor Franzblau of the sex
change clinic in Bethesda, Maryland.
Thank you. Doctor Randall,
after extensive investigation,
I have come to the conclusion
that it's virtually impossible
for you to have impregnated
your nurse, Montana Moorehead,
because before she came
to our little clinic, she was...
Milton Moorehead of Syosset,
Long Island. Hello!
She's a boy!
-Yeah, well, we knew that.
-Are you all right?
Fine. I'm just going
to go congratulate the others.
-See you up there.
-She's a boy!
I think I've said it all, don't you?
-Doctor Randall.
I wish to apologize for any
insinuation I might have made
about you and Nurse Nan.
-I told you.
-Well, I'm apologizing.
Thank you.
And the award for the Best Supporting
Actress in a Daytime Drama goes to...
Lori Craven.
If I could just get you
right over here,
a few words, please,
for your fans at home.
Another really big night for you,
David Seton Barnes,
winner of this year's
John E. Hockridge Humanitarian Award.
I know. I mean, what a magical year!
It's hard for me to take credit 'cause
the whole thing just snowballed.
You're certainly the man of the hour.
Congratulations to you.
It all makes for a storybook ending
to a rather tumultuous year
for the cast here at
The Sun Also Sets,
a show in which life not only
imitated art, it topped it.