Social Animals (2018) Movie Script
All right, I
think it's recording.
Wait, I'm not ready yet.
- Just be in the moment.
Just do what we normally
do when we have sex.
What do we normally do?
We just do it.
Ou! - Shit,
I'm sorry. - Gosh!
Should I put my
hair up? - Sure.
Maybe we don't have to kiss.
Ow, ow, ow. Hey, ow, ow,
ow, you're pulling my hair.
No, the other hair.
Okay, you're
still fucking it up.
Jesus, God, don't judge me.
This is very vulnerable.
Okay, we just
need to find a rhythm.
Hey... Ow, ow, hey, you're...
My head's... could
you pull me down?
Here, here.
No, don't French kiss
my neck, just kiss my neck.
I don't think that
this is happening.
Aren't you supposed
to fake it, at least?
Happy?
SOCIAL ANIMALS
Habits define
exactly who we are.
They exhibit our
personalities, our behavior.
Routines regulate our
efficiency or inefficiency.
One's habits affect
their perception of others
and most importantly,
their perception of themselves.
THIS IS ZOE
FAVORITE POSITION: Missionary
The receiving partner lies on
his/her back with legs apart,
while the penetrating
partner lies on top.
SHE LOVES POLAROID PICTURES
SHE'S NEVER BEEN IN LOVE
House of Wax
ZOE'S NEW BUSINESS IS FAILING
HER COMPETITION
LASER TOWN
NOW OPEN!
VULCAN
VIDEO
It's hot as balls here.
Hmm, global warming?
More like just Texas, you know?
You think when you get
married still actually gonna do this?
Or are you gonna like
spawn and join the PTA and shit?
Oh, yeah, because
that's totally who I am.
Minivan and all.
THIS IS CLAIRE
(ZOE'S BFF)
FAVORITE POSITION: Woman on Top
The penetrating partner lies on
her back with the receiving partner on top.
SHE MENAGES LOCAL MUSICIANS
AND SHE'S ENGAGED
TO A REPUBLICAN
No, but you're a closet-normal
person, for sure. - I agree.
P.S., Lana seems happy...
- Mmm. - In pictures.
In a very, like,
contrived way, of course.
Other people's
happiness disturbs me.
You're a hopeless romantic.
No, I just don't
understand what the big deal is.
Like, the marriage
thing, the baby thing.
It's like, not everybody's
version of normal.
Oh, please, you're
gonna end up with like five.
How long have you known me?
Like a hundred years.
And have I ever once said that I
want to have a baby or a husband?
No, but to be fair, I'm,
like, drunk half the time.
This is just that whole turning
30 drama everybody talks about.
Just let it fall over you like
a warm blanket on a cold day.
I see your blanket,
I twist it, tie it in a knot,
hang myself with it,
and then I address
a note that says,
"This is all your fault."
That's a lot.
Are your eyes gonna
go cross like that, too?
I don't know, I can't really
predict how my eyes will be.
But I'll definitely
stare you down.
Zoe, are you serious?
Oh, hey, Jay, good morning.
You're practically naked out here.
I got kids inside.
You get that, right?
You know what? I can, like, get
a curtain from IKEA or something.
Zoe, as your landlord...
- Whoa, actually, I own my house.
So, you're not my landlord.
Yeah, and I own the
ground that it's parked on.
I own this whole lawn.
But who really
owns the ground?
You are two weeks
behind on rent this month.
I'm so sorry.
I need you to pay
me to use this ground.
Hey, Jay, you know I can
hear the words you're saying.
You don't also have to
act them out with your hands.
Excuse me if my
expressions are intimidating.
Because I need you to pay me.
Yeah, sure, we can
talk about this tomorrow.
You know what? I'm
actually running a little late
to a wedding, so...
- You can pay me tomorrow.
You can hand me an
envelope of money tomorrow,
or you can find a new place
to park your tiny home, okay?
Cool, great.
Wait, does it have to be cash?
This...
could not have
happened to a nicer couple.
No, actually, it
totally could have.
"Really goin" for it.
This is like pornographic.
Oh, Lana, is this it.
Is this it?
Oh, Peter. - Should
I get my head lamp on?
Did she just cum?
- I think the mom did.
Great job!
I just missed it.
All right, thank you to every
one for being here on our big day.
We really appreciate all of you.
But now I'm gonna
need all the single ladies!
Get up here!
Yeah, and it's you.
You're single, Sarah,
by the way. - Now, you go up.
Yeah, but after what
happened at the last wedding,
I'm just tryin' to
mind my P's and Q's.
Uh-oh, I see you.
I see some single ladies
hiding out in the back there!
Zoe...
I know you're single!
Zoe! Zoe! Zoe!
Zoe. Come on up!
Get up here!
I fuckin' hate myself.
If anyone gets in
your way, duck and hit.
Last wedding, I got
arrested because I hit somebody,
I didn't duck.
All right, let's do this!
One, two, three.
Shit!
No.
- Hold up.
We scheduled this.
It's on the joint calendar.
Okay, well, you know.
Same time next week,
that bell goes off, I'm all yours.
You said that last week.
It's been like three months.
Oh, God, okay, fine.
But can you be quick?
I have a meeting in the morning.
THIS IS PAUL & JANE
FAVORITE POSITION: Spoons
The two partners lie down
on the same side, like spoons.
The man is pressed against the woman's
back and penetrates her from behind.
PAUL OWNS THE VIDEO
STORE ACROSS FROM ZOE'S
JANE IS A VERY SERIOUS LAWER
SHE SUPPORTS THE WHOLE FAMILY
INCLUDING PAUL
Oh, my God!
The condo's going up next door!
I have reported them multiple
times for working after 9:00...
Just forget about it.
Zone out.
All we need is right here.
Okay. Okay.
I'm zoning out.
Zone it out.
I swear if one more artisanal
cupcake shop goes on our block,
I'm gonna lose
my goddamn mind.
I'm...
I'm sorry, I can't.
I just... I can't.
Maybe you should have an affair.
Reaganomics, higher
taxes, school prayer.
Is this the 2000
Convention? - Yep.
Where did you get this on BluRay?
YouTube, and then I had my
IT guy at work burn it for you.
Honey, just let me
see this one part.
You know, Lana told me that
you don't have a lot of customers.
So I just want to
support another business.
Oh, well, that was
nice of her, I guess.
I actually own Forbidden
fruit down the street.
Oh, the sex shop.
Adult marketplace. Oh.
People have told me they never
quite seen anything like my vagina.
And I choose to take
that as a compliment.
Whoo, I lost my
visor on that one!
That was a good one.
Very satisfying.
Oh, yeah, you
feel good? - Yeah.
I'm just in that state of
mind where I'm like, full bush!
I go out in my
bathing suit like,
I've had a couple
children point at it and say,
"What's that, Mom?"
Oh, my God!
I think I'm dying.
My pussy is on fire!
I am gonna titty
punch you! - Okay.
Zoe, do you want to
just come over here
and hold me for a second?
Ms. Crandle, I'm so sorry.
But we're gonna have
to reject your application
for a small-business loan today.
Darn. But I can offer you
one of these
fantastic drink koozies.
Compliments of the bank.
Oh, great, yes.
Because the drink koozy
is really gonna take
the edge off the complete
and total destruction of my life.
Maybe you can
try someplace else?
Maybe you have
some friends or family?
What about...
what about your parents?
CRANDLE
LYNNE and RAYMOND
ZOE CRANDLE
DAUGHTER
If he's cheating on me,
I need to step my game up.
I have been
watching only PornTube,
like, literally all the time.
Oh, I really like
PornTube, you know?
There's something
very Warhol about it.
Yeah, right?
I mean, a babysitter
anal series is like super artsy.
Okay, Claire... why
don't you just end it?
Okay, I found someone.
Someone who's great on paper
and looks good
next to me in pictures.
Someone who wants to marry
me even though I'm, you know,
me and everything.
Right? When you love
someone, you fight for it.
Even if it feels wrong.
It's beautiful, right?
I mean, it will be when
we put it on a dimmer.
Are we looking at
the same thing here?
Don't do this.
Jane, I can't even
walk under it.
I'm gonna smash
into this thing one day.
This thing is set
up for me to lose.
Have you noticed that it's
getting harder and harder
to walk around our house?
Yeah, well, have you noticed,
since we're, you
know, spit-balling here,
that the towels in the
bathroom are always a mess?
No. - You have
a towel thing.
I have a towel thing?
- Yes, you have a towel thing.
The hand towels are always askew
and it drives me up a fucking wall.
Okay.
Okay, no more
askew towels, got it.
Have you given any thought
to what I said the other night?
What?
- Having an affair.
No.
Maybe I'm not joking.
People do that, right?
They open up the
marriage to save it?
I don't know, maybe
we could be those people.
Yeah, I don't wanna
be those kind of people.
I wanna be the kind of
person that's just for you.
Mmm.
Oh, my God!
Don't fuck him, he's a client.
ZOE'S MAIL
ZOE!
If I don't have the rent
by freday, this is
your 30 day notice!!!
Tay
Do you want
any help with that?
No, I think I got it.
Just let me know if it's even.
It's even just pull
it tight, much tighter.
The weather in
Texas changes a lot.
You don't want
anybody to miss this.
How's that?
Ah, perfect.
It's a little on the nose.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS
Yeah, I was going
for simple and sad.
Oh, well, I think you nailed it.
- Yeah, I feel good about it.
You want to come in?
I mean, if you're open.
We're open now.
I can't believe
this place is closing.
You know, I love Paul's Picks?
Paul does have exquisite taste.
You're Paul, aren't you?
- Paul, nice to meet you.
Hi, I'm Zoe.
- Hi, Zoe.
So are these alphabetized or...
- I sort of have my own system going.
I've seen pretty
much every film here.
So it forces people
to ask me questions.
Which is nice,
because I get a little lonely.
Well, not to
sound like a stalker.
But I saw you all alone
at Lana's super boring wedding.
Yeah, I was with my wife.
She was in the Delta
Gamma thing with her.
Were you in that?
No, no, I'm not a joiner.
I majored in
ass-sitting college,
and by college, I
mean, I did not go.
Hmm. I did.
Majored in philosophy.
Hmm. - And now
I have all of this.
For not that much longer.
Hey, don't be
so hard on yourself.
It's not your fault,
it's the economy
and you know all
that crap I fall asleep to
while listening
to CNN. - Mmm.
Well, I got a few
more months on my lease.
I figure, why not
revel in my failure?
That's a good plan, Paul.
I do that, like, all the time.
So, welcome to the club.
Thanks.
I own the waxing
business across the street.
So if you ever need any
detail work on your bikini line...
Yeah, I might take
you up on that.
Cool. - It's a
mess down there.
Well, it was nice
to meet you, Paul.
You, too, Zoe.
- So, I'll see you later.
Fuck, who put that there?
I did.
- There.
Bye, Zoe.
Bye, Paul.
HILLSIDE FARMACY
So how do you know
that Jim's gonna be here?
I've traced all of his credit
card receipts back to this place,
he's here every Tuesday at noon.
You're such a
psychopath. - Whatever.
Oh, my God.
I see him, I see him,
Oh, my God, was he with
anyone? - I don't know, I panicked.
We need to get closer.
You know some people go
to lunch just to have lunch?
Well, we're not some people
and I need you to walk by.
I don't want to.
Zoe, I need you to walk by.
To-go containers.
You ready to go?
Wanna get a drink?
It's noon, I have to work.
So?
He's not cheating on me, right?
No.
- No, right?
No way.
I mean, there aren't
even enough hours in the day.
Yeah, who has the time for that?
You know what I realized?
I want to find a soulmate.
But my house is only
big enough for one person.
Hmm. - Unless they
get on top of me.
So then, I guess, like, you
can fit more people in there
if somebody gets on top of them.
And you could just,
like, keep stacking people.
So, the ceiling's the limit.
Unless you built
a sunroof. - Yeah.
Okay, so he's definitely
not cheating on me, right?
I have nothing to worry about.
Not a thing to worry about.
- Definitely not. - Uh-uh.
I mean, unless he is.
So, we're seriously doing this?
We're going through
your fiance's trash
in the middle of the night?
Okay, when a man enters you,
you have a right to his garbage.
You know what? I'm going in.
What? No.
No, that's breaking
and entering.
I'm not breaking,
I'm just entering.
Wait, Claire!
Claire!
Claire!
Why are we
searching the kitchen?
Because it is the last place
anyone would think to look.
I don't know, clean
people don't cheat.
His maid comes twice a week.
Maybe he's fucking her.
Hey, that'd be kinda brilliant.
She could just clean up afterward.
Ugh, that's not funny.
Wait, are you
sniffing his clothes?
Well, if I don't sniff for vanilla
musk and scan for body glitter,
how do I know if he's
been to a strip club?
I'll allow it.
- Thank you.
Oh, things just got... weird.
Oh, my God, Zoe,
take off the mask.
Zoe, take off the mask!
Zoe, take off the fucking mask!
Oh, my God.
Oh.
All right, Nate. Nate, stop.
Stop. Stay.
Look, buddy, it
would be so awesome
if you would just
stop the dog thing.
Because you're
not a dog, Nathan.
You're a kid, and
you're a great kid.
So, what do you say?
Stand up and walk
on your own two feet?
He bit me, dude.
I know, but he's so cute.
We make awesome kids.
I mean, they're weird
as shit, but awesome.
So, listen, I was thinking...
The affair thing,
is that still a go?
Yeah, totally.
Should I let you know when...
- No, I don't want to
hear details or anything.
Cool.
Hey, guys...
Not in the street. Hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Get your brother.
Just stop him.
Come here.
Come here, boy.
Whoa, wax your bush.
Wax your bush.
Try out the wax
studio, right there.
Hello, your wife looks
like she needs a wax.
Sir, sir, sorry.
It's a little...
You wanna wax your bush?
Wax your bush.
Wax your bush.
Wax your bush.
Thank you. Wait, hey!
Hey, Zoe.
Hey this is not working. I
am fucked right now, Claire.
What's up?
I'm just scaring people away.
Nobody gets the double entendre.
Oh, you just said "double
entendre" and now I am worried.
Just pour yourself a
vodka soda and know that
if you build it, they'll come.
They should.
Hey.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
Nice double entendre.
Thank you.
You doing okay?
You look a little...
Yeah, no, I'm good.
I'm really... really good.
Yeah. - Why, do I not
look okay? - No, you look hot.
Double entendre.
What are you doing right now?
Oh, you know, I'm...
Just probably gonna jump
off a bridge or something.
Yeah, you gotta get
outta politics, it's killing you.
Come on.
Can I buy you a drink?
Um, nope, I have
a drink already.
What is your name?
Are we allowed to do names?
I thought we weren't doing names.
You can make
one up, if you'd like.
Oh, okay. Um...
Great, I didn't really give
that any advanced thought.
Um, Allison.
No, I hate Allison,
she is a total...
Melania.
That is also equally vile.
Um...
Lola?
That's cute... no, that's
trying too hard, isn't it?
Nice to meet you, Lola.
Wow, you're really getting
into that hand, aren't you?
No, no, no.
Uh, sorry, I'm just not into...
Public displays of affection.
So, how do we...
how do we do this?
You tell me what you like.
Okay. Um...
Well, I like C-SPAN,
I like to workout,
I like watching people hoard on TV.
- Okay, how "about I figure this out?"
Um...
You don't...
You don't have any
cold sores, do you?
No.
Okay.
It's just that like, 85% of
the population has herpes.
So it's a valid question.
Um, I would really prefer
not to take off my clothes.
Okay.
I'm sorry, I've never been
with anyone besides my husband.
I just thought I might
take you to a movie,
if that's all right.
What do you think?
Wow, did you set
this all up yourself?
Yeah, I'm not so
great at sleeping.
So I just come up
here and hang out.
It's like I have my
own personal drive-in.
Yeah, at night I stay
up making mixed CDs.
I mean, I guess they're
called playlists now, but...
Dude, you do
realize that mixed CDs
are like a lost art form, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, every girl I
liked in high school
would get these,
like, heart-wrenching,
80s hair band,
power ballad mixes.
Oh, no, Paul, you're a
hair band guy? - Sorry, yes.
That is both very lame
and kinda, sorta awesome.
Thank you.
Wow, I sleep up here
more than I care to admit.
Can I ask you something?
Whoo, I hate questions
that start with that. But, sure.
Why were you alone in
your car at the wedding?
You know, when I...
Got high and lit
yourself on fire?
Okay, we don't
need a play-by-play.
I was, you know...
I was giving my
wife some space.
Pretty sure she can't
stand to be around me.
We're hardly ever having sex.
And when we do,
it takes way too long.
It's kinda like that wedding
scene in The Deer Hunter.
My every day is like the
wedding scene in The Deer Hunter.
I started listening to 7 Habits
of Highly Effective People
on audio tape and it turns
out, I have none of them.
Yeah, it took Jane's
parents bailing me out
for, like, the hundredth time
before I came to that conclusion.
Well, my parents have
been dead for 13 years.
So I can't exactly
bother them for cash.
They didn't leave you some
huge trust fund or anything?
A trust fund?
Really? - I... I don't know.
No, my parents were basically
like the Bonnie and
Clyde of tax evasion.
They opened up a bunch
of credit cards in my name,
left me with all this debt.
So yeah, they raised me, but
then somebody else sent me the bill.
Well, how'd you then
open up a business
and land on your feet?
- I worked a ton of jobs,
I served a thousand
beers at Beer Land,
worked the door at Mohawk,
temped, parked cars at a rodeo.
I actually was the
cashier at the salon
and then they were closing down
and I got my license,
took over the lease,
paid for itself for a while.
What?
I just... I find
you fascinating.
That's a word.
That is the F-word.
It must be
horrible to lose this.
Yeah.
It'll probably be a condo
by the end of the month.
You ready?
- Yeah.
Hi.
No.
Zoe? - Yeah?
- Zoe! - Oh, hi!
Hi, I'm so happy you came!
Of course.
I have something for you.
For me?
- Look!
Oh, great! Do you
want to feel him kick?
No.
- Come on.
It is a joy. - No.
- To feel him kick, I must say.
No, no, I do not.
No?
- I do not...
want to feel the kick.
Fine, maybe we can put
your present over here
along with the
non-registry gifts.
It's okay, all the
single people bring baskets.
Oh, Zoe! - Hi! - Brought
you a juice. - Oh, thank you.
Where's the bar?
Oh, there's a
juice bar over there
and an oxygen bar in the back.
I don't wanna take
too much because I have
a roller derby match
tonight, and it's my first one.
I'm trying to come
up with a name.
I was like, the
Penetrator, you know.
Or like, Nipple Clamper.
- Oh, no, I don't like that one.
I want something aggressive.
So there's no alcohol?
No alcohol?
No, Zoe, it's 11:30
in the morning.
Well, it's past 10:00,
you know, all bets are off.
You ever had a
carbon monoxide shot?
You should go in the
garage and turn the car on.
What? - Yeah, all
the kids are doing it,
don't stay in there too
long 'cause you could die.
But just turn the car
on for like, 30 seconds.
It's the same effect as alcohol.
Anyway, this is a
great party. I love kids.
All right, we'll see
you at the oxygen bar.
I'll see you at the...
I actually will just breathe the
air that's right here, thank you.
Don't judge me, little kids.
Well, hello, friend.
- Hello.
Somebody that I know,
that is older than five.
Hi!
- Hi.
So what were you up to before this
horrific shoot-myself-in-the-face baby shower?
Ah, I was doing
very exciting things.
I was blowing up balloons,
I was unstacking chairs.
Hard labor, basically.
- Sounds like a blast.
You have kids?
- Nah.
Oh. - Do I look like
I have kids? - No. - Okay.
Guess what?
- Hmm?
Your son is biting party guests.
Our son thinks he's a dog.
- It's a phase. It's a phase.
Be right back.
- Thank you.
It's actually a totally
normal, developmental stage.
Oh, sure, yeah.
- It actually means
he has an above-average
imagination.
So, maybe he'll be an artist.
I hope not.
Well, I bark at
like half my dates.
So, I totally understand.
Yeah, don't have kids,
that's my tip for you.
Way ahead of you.
God, I hate myself.
Hello.
What's y'all' s nameses?
I see how this is going.
You know the first boy that
ever broke my heart had red hair.
He ended up cutting off a lock
of his hair and mailing it to me.
I still have it in this
trunk at my house.
I wonder what he's doing?
Do you guys have Facebook?
So which one of you do you
think will lose your virginity first?
It's a fair question.
June, Cam...
Sorry, Cameron,
June, this is Zoe.
Zoe, these are my girls.
You have three kids.
That I do, Zoe.
That I do.
What's your
name again? - Sam.
I want to welcome
everybody to Oral 101.
I am Sarah-Beth and I suck!
Seriously, Claire?
What, I saw it on Groupon.
You bought a dick-sucking
class on Groupon?
So today you're
gonna learn how to GBB,
Give better blowjobs.
You told me that
this was going to be
a cooking exhibition to
make homemade Pop-tarts.
Surprise!
- Fuck you.
He won't.
- What?
Fuck me.
And it is actually
an amazing exfoliant.
My fiance won't have sex with
me unless I have bush on my face.
That's what the masks were for?
And just put it on
your face like this
and I swear your face
has never been softer.
So when you have
the penis in your mouth,
you wanna treat it
like a pepper grinder.
Now, twist it!
Twist it! Put
some pepper on it!
It's all in the
wrist. That's nice.
Every penis has
its own personality.
Some dicks are just
like a nice, simple guy
that's tellin' you
he likes your blouse.
Other dicks are a little feisty.
You can get a good sense of what
a dick's gonna be like when you see it.
If he's all doin' this at first,
you're like, "Yeah,
that's a feisty dick!"
And there's nothing a guy likes
more than getting compliments.
Okay, so watch this.
You have the
most beautiful eyes
of anyone I have ever seen.
So everybody,
pick your penises up.
On the count of three
you're gonna put the penis,
cucumber, in your mouth.
Okay, one, two, three.
You're so sexy.
You're so loyal.
You're so loyal?
Good try. A for effort.
But a guy does not want to hear
how he's loyal in a blowjob.
You need to say something like,
"This is the biggest dick I
have ever put in my mouth."
"It is so huge,"
"I've only thrown
up on you five times."
All right, small mouth, come up.
How does this keep
happening to me?
Zoe, Zoe!
Shh, shh.
Come over here, Zoe.
All right, pull up your penis.
There we go, okay.
So, just imagine
a penis just like,
"Oh, my God, I love this."
"Oh, I want to put my
wiener all over your face"
"and in your mouth,
put it in your nose,"
"and in your eye, and in
your cheek, everywhere."
"Just take it,
just take it, take it."
All right, that's
one way to deal with it.
Uh, I wouldn't suggest...
Breaking it in half.
Hey, Jane!
Well, hi, Nathan.
Oh, sorry, he does
that to everyone.
We didn't see you at the
Toddler Meditation sailboat last week.
You know Nathan
would just love that.
I'm running a
workshop on how to make
your own kale chips
this Thursday, okay?
So, I'll put you
on the list, okay?
There you are!
Jane, we were starting to think
that you guys had moved away.
You know I'm doing a
Mothers Against Litter sign up
to clean up the park.
- Paul's already on the list.
He is really fantastic with
the kids. You are so lucky!
What, you have to pee?
Okay, come on.
Mom, we're hungry.
Dad, can we have dinner?
Yeah, I'll order us a pizza.
No, I can make
something in a minute.
Can you walk your brother?
Hotel Eleven 10 p.m. Room 116.
Who is that?
Lana, she's really
upset about the pregnancy.
You know, I
should go over there.
Why don't you
order that pizza thing?
Okay.
WAX
BRAZILIAN WAXING STUDIO
ZOE
FOR LOST ART FORMS
Hello?
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Yes. Thank you for calling.
Ah, guys, the school called
and it seems that
your class has lice.
No, no, no, no, no.
We don't scream.
Sit down, sit down.
I'm gonna take a look at you.
Everyone just calm down.
I'm sure everything is fine.
We're just... you know,
we're gonna deal with this, okay?
The important thing
is we don't...
Oh, fuck!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry for using that word.
It was knee-jerk.
Uh...
We're gonna kill them all.
Daddy's gonna kill them all.
We'll be fine.
You'll be fine. We'll be okay.
Here we go.
Here we go.
What did I do?
Nothing, you're great.
You're great.
It's just something that
happens to me these days.
I'm just obsessing.
I'm obsessing. - It's okay.
I'm obsessing.
- It's okay.
It's just so hard to be alone.
Especially when
you're with someone.
Uh... I can...
I can hold you.
For an extra 200 $.
Hey.
Hey.
Where you been?
I called you like 10 times.
My phone died.
Okay, don't freak out.
Maybe we should send
them to private school.
You think lice don't infect
spoiled rich kids? - Probably not.
Have you slept
with anyone yet?
You told me not to tell you.
Yeah, no, I know,
I'm sorry, never mind.
But no, I haven't.
Come here.
I love you.
I know.
Okay, all right.
Paul, stop. Why? - Seriously,
stop. - What. What is it?
We have to wash this out.
EVICTION NOTICE
All right, full disclosure.
I pretty much survive
on food truck meals alone.
So you're talking to an
expert here. You can trust me.
I trust you.
- Thank you.
Do you realize how
badass these guys are?
I mean, no one can
afford a lease anymore.
So they're like, "Screw it, we're gonna
open a business on our own terms,"
"no one to answer to, and we get to
do what we love day in and day out."
Plus, these tacos are no joke.
Okay, well, you're talking to
somebody with extraordinarily
high taco standards,
just to be clear.
Okay. - I'm not
easily impressed.
Okay, so we're meeting
in the same place here.
Mmm-hmm.
- And...
Close your eyes
and open your mouth.
I'm not falling
for that one again.
Come on, man,
it's taco roulette.
You gotta trust me, I have
honorable intentions, I swear.
Okay. All right.
This is very vulnerable for me.
Shh.
So your mouth is ready.
Okay. - It's
close, it's close.
Okay, oh.
- Chew it down.
This is really good.
- It's really good, right?
Who knows his tacos?
- You know your tacos.
Come on, there you got it.
Well, I met somebody.
Someone I actually like, and
he's perfect, and he's married.
Unhappily.
Well, that's new
and better than happily.
You know what your problem is?
Um, yeah, which one?
You see everyone
around you settling down
and it makes you want to
rev up and give hand jobs
to weird dudes in public.
Wow, you really have a way of
making things sound worse than they are.
Really? 'Cause you're
sleeping with a married guy
and watching your business
fail right before your eyes.
I haven't actually
slept with him
and what am I supposed to do
about my store? It's out of my hands.
I'm sorry, you
haven't slept with him?
Well, that's different.
Shut up.
Look, if that's
what you want, go for it.
If the store is what you want,
stop being complacent, okay?
We'll figure something out.
Or we'll die.
But either way, it's
gonna be over soon.
I'll drink to that.
Cheers.
I'm kinda getting
high from the fumes.
That's why we come here.
Right.
Paul?
Hi. - What are
you doing here?
You forgot your keys.
What is this place?
Ah, it's just a place I hang
out sometimes, you know?
Watch movies.
You're drinking?
No, it's a friend's.
- You don't have friends.
Thanks, I do occasionally...
Have friends.
Okay, so what, you
come here and you watch...
You watch Working girl?
Why are you
watching Working girl?
You only watch Working girl
when you're feeling defeated.
You wanna hang out for
a bit? Watch Working girl?
I can't. I don't have time.
Yeah.
Thanks for the keys.
See you at home.
- Yeah, see you at home.
Hello.
- Hello.
What are you doing?
I am tracing my own hand.
Okay, well, a few of us are
going to a bar down the street
if you would like to join us.
And by a few of us I
mean, there is no us,
it's just me, alone.
But there will be
people in the background.
So, it should be fun.
I would, and thanks for
the invitation but I'm sober.
Oh, perfect, I'm an enabler.
So, this is great.
Rain check?
- Aw, come on.
It'll be fun. Right?
Question mark, exclamation point.
Another exclamation
point, dot, dot, dot, dot...
Okay, I'll go if you stop
doing that. - Deal. Period.
So are you sober
or are you an alcoholic?
Well, I'm definitely sober.
Not sure if I'm an alcoholic.
But my wife is sure.
Cool.
- Yeah.
So how bad of an
alcoholic are we talking?
Do you, like, chug Listerine?
Do you keep gasoline
underneath your bed?
No, I was, like, old-school.
I just drank all the human stuff.
But, like... like a lot of it.
I like a man who can commit
to something. - Mmm-hmm.
Does this mean you
got like an intervention?
Did people come and
read you letters and cry?
No, but that sounds amazing
and I would've loved one.
What happened to
me was I got into
into a really
awesome car accident.
Cool.
- Yeah.
You didn't hit anybody, did you?
I did, a parking meter.
He didn't make it.
Oh, no.
- It was fine.
He was kind of a
jerk parking meter.
No, Jane, uh... Jane
gave me a choice.
Her or Scotch.
And I chose her.
Well, I choose Scotch.
And beer, and anything else
I can get my mouth around.
I did not say... I
didn't mean it like that.
It doesn't bother you if I
drink in front of you, does it?
No, no, no, other people drinking doesn't
bother me as much as, you know, me not.
Which still annoys me.
Well, you seem to be handling
yourself quite nicely, you know?
Something right there.
Ow! Sorry.
Fuck!
I'm gonna worry
about this later.
So that happened.
- Yep.
I'm in your bed.
Your joint bed.
You are married, you have a
wife. You know, your wife, Jane.
Where is Jane?
She's gone for the
night with the kids.
Oh, my God.
Jane told me I
could have an affair.
So, I'm the affair?
Well, yeah, I guess.
Oh, my God.
Is that why you've
been hanging out with me?
Was so you could bait me?
So you could sleep with me?
So I can be your... - Zoe, Zoe.
I like you.
You have no idea
how much I like you.
Oh, my God.
We're bad people.
- No.
We're good people.
We're just failing
at it right now.
Just...
I mean, we take the
same antidepressants.
I mean, that should
count for something.
Yeah, that's the spirit.
Listen, my life is, like,
super complicated right now.
I have no idea what's
happening with my marriage.
But my kids, I mean,
they're everything.
They're the only thing I've
ever done right in my whole life.
Come here, come on.
We'll figure it out.
Everything's gonna be okay.
For somebody.
It was too low.
I knew this would happen.
Let me do it. It
was my fault. - I have it.
Leave it. Leave it!
I got it. I got it.
Leave it!
- I'll do it!
Hi.
Jane, hi.
I didn't even know
you worked here.
You didn't?
No, Laser Town is packed.
I just came over for a...
For a wax.
Oh, great.
What were you thinking of doing?
Brazilian?
- Cool, I do that.
I do that.
- Okay.
Unless, of course, you
wouldn't feel comfortable with...
Oh, no, you're a professional.
So, I... I am
completely comfortable.
Great, why don't
you just go back there,
make yourself
comfortable and I'll be right in.
Okay.
All right, Jane, if you could
spread your legs in a frog-like position.
Like... like this?
Excellent, thanks.
So how have you been doing?
Good.
I heard you went by the store.
Yes, I did. I've
gone by the store.
You know, I go by...
I go by all those stores.
Yeah, Paul's having a
really hard time letting go of it.
Sorry.
All right, now you can go
ahead and pull your legs back
as far as you
can, excellent, yes.
You ever been married?
No, no, not yet.
You heard Lana and Peter
are already having trouble, right?
No, I had not heard that.
All right, Jane, you can go ahead
and lie down on your side, this direction.
Yeah, apparently he's
been cheating on her.
Oh, you know, I...
You know, I guess that's
something that people do.
All right, Jane, now
this is something fun,
I never thought I
would be asking you to do.
But could you spread
your right butt cheek?
Excellent.
Wait, is it the wax?
No, I'm just
having a panic attack.
Oh, I have those all the time,
it's a repetitive sound disorder.
Maybe that's...
Is it the sound?
No, it's fine, I'm breathing.
This is breathing and
it means I'm not dying.
Okay, are you sure? Can I
get you something, some water?
No. - A Xanax? It'll help
the water go down easier.
No, it's just something
that happens lately.
I spontaneously start crying.
It's like I have a
disease or something.
No, you're okay.
How do you know that?
I guess it's just
something that people say.
But I'm sure it's
true occasionally.
Zoe?
- Yeah?
Can you just finish waxing
my asshole so I can go?
Of course.
Mazel Tov.
I just want to say thank
you to everybody for coming.
This is has been the
most successful bris.
Well, that's subjective.
Thank you for having us.
It's been lovely.
Are you gonna get him?
No, no. We are practicing
the "Cry It Out" method.
So, it is agony.
But it is better for
him in the long run.
Oh, actually they've
just proven that
lack of emotional
support when you're young
can have a real
damaging effect later in life.
So, it's all over the blogs.
Our son eats off the floor.
No, really, he chews bones
and the other day we found
him drinking water out of the toilet.
So, anything that Jane says about
parenting you should, you know, do the opposite.
This flatware is lovely.
Thank you. Yeah.
You know, I actually from...
Because you're father
of the fucking year, right?
No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry
that I make all the money
and I take care
of our three kids
and I have my parents
bail us out of bankruptcy.
You're right, I'm just a
terrible mom and a terrible wife.
I paid for that money, Jane.
Trust me, I fucking paid for it.
How's that wine treating you,
sweetie? - It's delicious, thanks.
Would you pass the...
- Hey, look, everyone.
Now it's all out in the open.
Look, everybody,
Jane is a smoker.
See, now everybody
knows and nobody cares.
You're right I'm a terrible,
terrible human being,
because sometimes
I have a cigarette.
Right. Ok.
Uh...
There, you win!
Okay? You win!
If winning mean losing
your job, getting a DUI,
and bringing nothing
to the table sexually.
I mean, you think I
just wanna roll over
and get fucked the exact
same way for the rest of my life?
It is Groundhog Day! My
vagina is fuckin' Bill Murray!
Aw, I love Bill Murray.
You're embarrassing yourself.
You know what? You've been
embarrassing me our entire marriage!
Jane, can I get you an ashtray? - No, it's
fine. - No? - Thank you, have a great bris.
Well, I have never
been to a bris before.
But this is great.
Zoe.
- Whoo.
Zoe, do you think
I can't see you?
Oh, I'm sorry, I just really
need my face in my hair right now.
You mean your
hair in your face?
I mean my hair
in my face, Paul.
Hi. - Hi.
You okay?
Yeah, I'm actually...
Are you kidding me?
I signed up for life
classes through Oprah,
because she does that
and then I got corn tortillas
instead of flour because I
heard that was better for you
and I, I...
Fuck, I'm doing awesome.
Okay, listen,
I'm really sorry, um...
I'm really sorry
about what happened.
I'm not sorry that
it happened. I just...
I suck at words.
I'm so much
better at mixed CDs.
Yeah, me, too.
I just, I REO Speedwagon
Can't Fight This Feeling.
Paul, you can't admit
to liking REO Speedwagon.
It's not even cool in an
ironic way like Tom Petty.
Yeah, Tom Petty is
not cool in any way.
What are you...
are you serious right now?
Tom Petty is not cool?
I can't, you know what?
No, I'm not doing this here.
I cannot argue with you about the
coolness of Tom Petty out in the open.
It's just way too intimate.
Then come inside.
- I'm not coming inside.
This is... I can't do this.
It's just...
He was an escort.
The guy I was with.
He was a what?
He was a prostitute.
He was a fucking prostitute.
You paid someone?
You paid someone?
How much did they charge?
Why is there an
eviction notice on your door?
I don't know.
Zo, what's wrong?
I slept with Paul.
Paul of Paul and Jane?
I mean, it's okay, you know?
People fuck people.
I don't know how
this is my life, you know?
I worked so hard not
to be like my parents.
Not to be a failure.
I don't want to lose
everything that I have.
Okay, what do people in this
town love more than anything?
Tacos.
- More than tacos.
Music.
I have the bands,
you have a pretty vacant
space with your store.
I say we charge a cover
and... I don't know,
see what happens.
You think that would work?
I mean, we might
as well try, right?
CONCER SAVE EAST AUSTIN
Sir, you! Ma'am!
See this, Austin?
We can't find Nate.
- Nathan's missing.
Hey, did you pay a cover?
No, you can't sneak in here.
You need to go to the front
and you need to pay. - Zoe, Zoe, Zoe.
Hey! Relax.
This is going so great.
- I have someone at the door.
Oh, great. Yeah. - Wait, you
wanna take a shot with me?
No, and why don't
you slow your roll, okay?
I'm having fun,
Claire, loosen up.
This is going great.
Why don't we
get you some water?
Okay, you look
like a total mess.
Phew.
Nathan!
Come on, bud, Nate!
Did you find him?
- Yeah, Jane, I found him.
"Just decided to stand out here and
continue calling his name like a fuckin" idiot.
I'm sorry!
- It's not your fault.
He does this all the
time, we'll find him.
Yes, it is, it's my fault.
Everything is fucking my fault!
- It was the both of us. Nate!
You know, that I get
off work and I come here,
and I walk around the
block three or four times
before I even come inside?
- Why. Why you do that?
Because I can't
believe that I am this.
This wife, this mother,
it just doesn't seem real.
I never wanted to be
one of these fucking people.
What people?
People who live just
to endure each other.
That's everyone we know.
That's marriage! - It's not!
You think...
You think I tried
to be a shitty wife?
No, I tried! I
tried to do my best!
I worked hard, I
took care of the bills,
I took care of the children.
I tried to be attracted to you.
Wait, what?
What do you... you tried to be
attracted... What does that even mean?
Recently, the thought of having
sex with you just repulses me.
Wow, this...
I'm just trying to
be honest for once.
Yeah, your honesty, it's just
another way for you to hurt people.
Look at our house, nothing fits!
You are buying furniture for
a house we don't even live in!
Nathan!
- Nathan!
Wo, found him!
Must be hard, being
this self-righteous.
You have no idea.
Thank you so much
for coming out tonight!
And giving a hands
up to Sailor Poon.
Look at these ladies.
And speaking of poon, let's
not forget why we're here.
So that our
poons can get waxed
by a local business
and not Laser Town,
which is basically the
Illuminati of pubic hair.
Now tonight, we're
gonna take back what's ours!
Let's take it to the streets!
Come on!
They can't break us.
Ohh!
Plexiglass, you gotta
be fucking kidding me.
This just stupid...
Ohh!
Damn it! Stupid!
Ow! Fuck!
Ow! Fuck!
Thanks for bailing me out.
The covers paid
half and the other half...
I'll pay you back, I promise.
How, Zoe, how are
you gonna pay me back?
You don't have anything.
- Look, Claire, I'm sorry.
I was wasted,
I got out of control.
Your parents spent
their whole lives
running from
where you just were.
Wow, that was
a really low blow.
God, Zoe, you need to grow up!
Okay, so you didn't win at life,
you didn't get some grand fucking prize,
no one does and no
one owes you anything.
And, I mean, forget winning,
because how you lose
is just as much a
part of who you are.
And no offense, but
you're kind of an asshole.
You know what? Just
pay me back whenever.
What's up?
What, did you rob a bank?
I got my job back at Beer Land.
That's oddly stable of you.
I know that I
suck at relationships.
And I'm full of shit,
and I act like I'm
right about everything,
because I am so fucking
scared to be wrong, all the time.
But you're my best friend
and I really, really do love you.
And I say that
out loud, like, never.
So...
I love you.
You're being totally
emo right now.
Yeah, I'm really trying to
get better at this emo stuff.
Feels good.
I caught Jim fucking his office.
Like the wall?
No, the people.
And he didn't even invite you?
Oh.
You're invited.
Well, you can come to my
office fuck party anytime.
I can't believe our 5-year-old
needs to see a shrink.
You think he's okay?
He'll be fine.
He probably loves the attention.
I mean, do you
think he is okay?
Yes, I think he's fine.
Okay.
You know, I'm really sorry
about the whole prostitution thing.
It's not funny.
I mean, come on.
I didn't keep up.
Wow, I can't remember the
last time I've seen you laugh.
Oh, my God, that's depressing.
I know this sounds
fucked up, but...
If we were gonna fail, I'm
really glad that I failed with you.
Good game.
Good game.
Oh, hey, buddy.
Hey, man.
- Hi.
Oh, look at you.
- Oh, hello.
Up on your knees.
- You look taller.
Look at that, he's okay?
No. Blow it out, Zoe.
Make a wish.
I wish I wasn't old.
- Like a viable wish.
I wish I were dead.
Or rich.
You know what I actually
wish? I wish I were British?
I think I'd be very
charming if I were British.
Cheerio. It worked.
No, it didn't.
God, I'm really bad at accents.
You are, you actually
are really bad at it.
I know this isn't where you
imagined yourself at this age.
You mean closing my
failing business, single?
I don't know, it
seems about right.
Did you hear about
Peter and Lana?
He filed for divorce.
You got me bad
news for my birthday?
You know I love
other people's bad news.
Speaking of, Paul and Jane,
while no longer Paul and Jane.
Wow, really?
You gonna hit that?
No.
- Why?
I think I'm gonna be celibate.
Oh. That'll last.
Uh, it will last.
I will be celibate.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS
PAUL'S PICK
ZOE
GRAND OPENING!
Hey. Nice sign.
A little on the nose.
I know.
This is great, congrats.
Thanks. - It's amazing.
- Thank you very much.
You know, all my life, I've
anticipated failure so much
it's kind of bizarre when
it's not actually happening.
Mmm.
Sounds nice, enjoy it.
Hey, I heard
about you and Jane.
And I'm really sorry.
"How you holdin' up?
Oddly well.
That's good to hear.
- Yeah, except for one thing.
What?
I keep trying to not
be in love with you.
And it does not
seem to be working.
Hmm, interesting turn
of events. - Mmm-hmm.
Let me just lay out
some ground rules.
There's gonna be no
sleeping together, no sex.
I'm so sorry.
- Okay, great, see you.
All right.
Come here.
Hey.
- Yeah?
I think I'm comin'
around on Tom Petty.
Okay, we can have sex.
Let's fuck. - Oh, fantastic.
The table's very
small but it is full-service.
No, wait, I have an idea.
- No, wait, don't leave me.
No, I need to get this. - Don't
leave me. - Come on. - All right.
Promise, this is gonna be good.
One, two, three.
THIS IS PAUL AND ZOE
Good one. Got it.
Do this? - No, no.
- I've seen people do this.
Told you.
FAVORITE POSITION:
NEXT TO EACH OTHER
My most memorable
blowjobs was with a celebrity.
Oh, I try not to brag
about that too much, uh...
But I met Rick Moranis
right after Honey,
I Shrunk the Kids
and, honey, did
I shrink his kids.
You know?
I'm sweating.
think it's recording.
Wait, I'm not ready yet.
- Just be in the moment.
Just do what we normally
do when we have sex.
What do we normally do?
We just do it.
Ou! - Shit,
I'm sorry. - Gosh!
Should I put my
hair up? - Sure.
Maybe we don't have to kiss.
Ow, ow, ow. Hey, ow, ow,
ow, you're pulling my hair.
No, the other hair.
Okay, you're
still fucking it up.
Jesus, God, don't judge me.
This is very vulnerable.
Okay, we just
need to find a rhythm.
Hey... Ow, ow, hey, you're...
My head's... could
you pull me down?
Here, here.
No, don't French kiss
my neck, just kiss my neck.
I don't think that
this is happening.
Aren't you supposed
to fake it, at least?
Happy?
SOCIAL ANIMALS
Habits define
exactly who we are.
They exhibit our
personalities, our behavior.
Routines regulate our
efficiency or inefficiency.
One's habits affect
their perception of others
and most importantly,
their perception of themselves.
THIS IS ZOE
FAVORITE POSITION: Missionary
The receiving partner lies on
his/her back with legs apart,
while the penetrating
partner lies on top.
SHE LOVES POLAROID PICTURES
SHE'S NEVER BEEN IN LOVE
House of Wax
ZOE'S NEW BUSINESS IS FAILING
HER COMPETITION
LASER TOWN
NOW OPEN!
VULCAN
VIDEO
It's hot as balls here.
Hmm, global warming?
More like just Texas, you know?
You think when you get
married still actually gonna do this?
Or are you gonna like
spawn and join the PTA and shit?
Oh, yeah, because
that's totally who I am.
Minivan and all.
THIS IS CLAIRE
(ZOE'S BFF)
FAVORITE POSITION: Woman on Top
The penetrating partner lies on
her back with the receiving partner on top.
SHE MENAGES LOCAL MUSICIANS
AND SHE'S ENGAGED
TO A REPUBLICAN
No, but you're a closet-normal
person, for sure. - I agree.
P.S., Lana seems happy...
- Mmm. - In pictures.
In a very, like,
contrived way, of course.
Other people's
happiness disturbs me.
You're a hopeless romantic.
No, I just don't
understand what the big deal is.
Like, the marriage
thing, the baby thing.
It's like, not everybody's
version of normal.
Oh, please, you're
gonna end up with like five.
How long have you known me?
Like a hundred years.
And have I ever once said that I
want to have a baby or a husband?
No, but to be fair, I'm,
like, drunk half the time.
This is just that whole turning
30 drama everybody talks about.
Just let it fall over you like
a warm blanket on a cold day.
I see your blanket,
I twist it, tie it in a knot,
hang myself with it,
and then I address
a note that says,
"This is all your fault."
That's a lot.
Are your eyes gonna
go cross like that, too?
I don't know, I can't really
predict how my eyes will be.
But I'll definitely
stare you down.
Zoe, are you serious?
Oh, hey, Jay, good morning.
You're practically naked out here.
I got kids inside.
You get that, right?
You know what? I can, like, get
a curtain from IKEA or something.
Zoe, as your landlord...
- Whoa, actually, I own my house.
So, you're not my landlord.
Yeah, and I own the
ground that it's parked on.
I own this whole lawn.
But who really
owns the ground?
You are two weeks
behind on rent this month.
I'm so sorry.
I need you to pay
me to use this ground.
Hey, Jay, you know I can
hear the words you're saying.
You don't also have to
act them out with your hands.
Excuse me if my
expressions are intimidating.
Because I need you to pay me.
Yeah, sure, we can
talk about this tomorrow.
You know what? I'm
actually running a little late
to a wedding, so...
- You can pay me tomorrow.
You can hand me an
envelope of money tomorrow,
or you can find a new place
to park your tiny home, okay?
Cool, great.
Wait, does it have to be cash?
This...
could not have
happened to a nicer couple.
No, actually, it
totally could have.
"Really goin" for it.
This is like pornographic.
Oh, Lana, is this it.
Is this it?
Oh, Peter. - Should
I get my head lamp on?
Did she just cum?
- I think the mom did.
Great job!
I just missed it.
All right, thank you to every
one for being here on our big day.
We really appreciate all of you.
But now I'm gonna
need all the single ladies!
Get up here!
Yeah, and it's you.
You're single, Sarah,
by the way. - Now, you go up.
Yeah, but after what
happened at the last wedding,
I'm just tryin' to
mind my P's and Q's.
Uh-oh, I see you.
I see some single ladies
hiding out in the back there!
Zoe...
I know you're single!
Zoe! Zoe! Zoe!
Zoe. Come on up!
Get up here!
I fuckin' hate myself.
If anyone gets in
your way, duck and hit.
Last wedding, I got
arrested because I hit somebody,
I didn't duck.
All right, let's do this!
One, two, three.
Shit!
No.
- Hold up.
We scheduled this.
It's on the joint calendar.
Okay, well, you know.
Same time next week,
that bell goes off, I'm all yours.
You said that last week.
It's been like three months.
Oh, God, okay, fine.
But can you be quick?
I have a meeting in the morning.
THIS IS PAUL & JANE
FAVORITE POSITION: Spoons
The two partners lie down
on the same side, like spoons.
The man is pressed against the woman's
back and penetrates her from behind.
PAUL OWNS THE VIDEO
STORE ACROSS FROM ZOE'S
JANE IS A VERY SERIOUS LAWER
SHE SUPPORTS THE WHOLE FAMILY
INCLUDING PAUL
Oh, my God!
The condo's going up next door!
I have reported them multiple
times for working after 9:00...
Just forget about it.
Zone out.
All we need is right here.
Okay. Okay.
I'm zoning out.
Zone it out.
I swear if one more artisanal
cupcake shop goes on our block,
I'm gonna lose
my goddamn mind.
I'm...
I'm sorry, I can't.
I just... I can't.
Maybe you should have an affair.
Reaganomics, higher
taxes, school prayer.
Is this the 2000
Convention? - Yep.
Where did you get this on BluRay?
YouTube, and then I had my
IT guy at work burn it for you.
Honey, just let me
see this one part.
You know, Lana told me that
you don't have a lot of customers.
So I just want to
support another business.
Oh, well, that was
nice of her, I guess.
I actually own Forbidden
fruit down the street.
Oh, the sex shop.
Adult marketplace. Oh.
People have told me they never
quite seen anything like my vagina.
And I choose to take
that as a compliment.
Whoo, I lost my
visor on that one!
That was a good one.
Very satisfying.
Oh, yeah, you
feel good? - Yeah.
I'm just in that state of
mind where I'm like, full bush!
I go out in my
bathing suit like,
I've had a couple
children point at it and say,
"What's that, Mom?"
Oh, my God!
I think I'm dying.
My pussy is on fire!
I am gonna titty
punch you! - Okay.
Zoe, do you want to
just come over here
and hold me for a second?
Ms. Crandle, I'm so sorry.
But we're gonna have
to reject your application
for a small-business loan today.
Darn. But I can offer you
one of these
fantastic drink koozies.
Compliments of the bank.
Oh, great, yes.
Because the drink koozy
is really gonna take
the edge off the complete
and total destruction of my life.
Maybe you can
try someplace else?
Maybe you have
some friends or family?
What about...
what about your parents?
CRANDLE
LYNNE and RAYMOND
ZOE CRANDLE
DAUGHTER
If he's cheating on me,
I need to step my game up.
I have been
watching only PornTube,
like, literally all the time.
Oh, I really like
PornTube, you know?
There's something
very Warhol about it.
Yeah, right?
I mean, a babysitter
anal series is like super artsy.
Okay, Claire... why
don't you just end it?
Okay, I found someone.
Someone who's great on paper
and looks good
next to me in pictures.
Someone who wants to marry
me even though I'm, you know,
me and everything.
Right? When you love
someone, you fight for it.
Even if it feels wrong.
It's beautiful, right?
I mean, it will be when
we put it on a dimmer.
Are we looking at
the same thing here?
Don't do this.
Jane, I can't even
walk under it.
I'm gonna smash
into this thing one day.
This thing is set
up for me to lose.
Have you noticed that it's
getting harder and harder
to walk around our house?
Yeah, well, have you noticed,
since we're, you
know, spit-balling here,
that the towels in the
bathroom are always a mess?
No. - You have
a towel thing.
I have a towel thing?
- Yes, you have a towel thing.
The hand towels are always askew
and it drives me up a fucking wall.
Okay.
Okay, no more
askew towels, got it.
Have you given any thought
to what I said the other night?
What?
- Having an affair.
No.
Maybe I'm not joking.
People do that, right?
They open up the
marriage to save it?
I don't know, maybe
we could be those people.
Yeah, I don't wanna
be those kind of people.
I wanna be the kind of
person that's just for you.
Mmm.
Oh, my God!
Don't fuck him, he's a client.
ZOE'S MAIL
ZOE!
If I don't have the rent
by freday, this is
your 30 day notice!!!
Tay
Do you want
any help with that?
No, I think I got it.
Just let me know if it's even.
It's even just pull
it tight, much tighter.
The weather in
Texas changes a lot.
You don't want
anybody to miss this.
How's that?
Ah, perfect.
It's a little on the nose.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS
Yeah, I was going
for simple and sad.
Oh, well, I think you nailed it.
- Yeah, I feel good about it.
You want to come in?
I mean, if you're open.
We're open now.
I can't believe
this place is closing.
You know, I love Paul's Picks?
Paul does have exquisite taste.
You're Paul, aren't you?
- Paul, nice to meet you.
Hi, I'm Zoe.
- Hi, Zoe.
So are these alphabetized or...
- I sort of have my own system going.
I've seen pretty
much every film here.
So it forces people
to ask me questions.
Which is nice,
because I get a little lonely.
Well, not to
sound like a stalker.
But I saw you all alone
at Lana's super boring wedding.
Yeah, I was with my wife.
She was in the Delta
Gamma thing with her.
Were you in that?
No, no, I'm not a joiner.
I majored in
ass-sitting college,
and by college, I
mean, I did not go.
Hmm. I did.
Majored in philosophy.
Hmm. - And now
I have all of this.
For not that much longer.
Hey, don't be
so hard on yourself.
It's not your fault,
it's the economy
and you know all
that crap I fall asleep to
while listening
to CNN. - Mmm.
Well, I got a few
more months on my lease.
I figure, why not
revel in my failure?
That's a good plan, Paul.
I do that, like, all the time.
So, welcome to the club.
Thanks.
I own the waxing
business across the street.
So if you ever need any
detail work on your bikini line...
Yeah, I might take
you up on that.
Cool. - It's a
mess down there.
Well, it was nice
to meet you, Paul.
You, too, Zoe.
- So, I'll see you later.
Fuck, who put that there?
I did.
- There.
Bye, Zoe.
Bye, Paul.
HILLSIDE FARMACY
So how do you know
that Jim's gonna be here?
I've traced all of his credit
card receipts back to this place,
he's here every Tuesday at noon.
You're such a
psychopath. - Whatever.
Oh, my God.
I see him, I see him,
Oh, my God, was he with
anyone? - I don't know, I panicked.
We need to get closer.
You know some people go
to lunch just to have lunch?
Well, we're not some people
and I need you to walk by.
I don't want to.
Zoe, I need you to walk by.
To-go containers.
You ready to go?
Wanna get a drink?
It's noon, I have to work.
So?
He's not cheating on me, right?
No.
- No, right?
No way.
I mean, there aren't
even enough hours in the day.
Yeah, who has the time for that?
You know what I realized?
I want to find a soulmate.
But my house is only
big enough for one person.
Hmm. - Unless they
get on top of me.
So then, I guess, like, you
can fit more people in there
if somebody gets on top of them.
And you could just,
like, keep stacking people.
So, the ceiling's the limit.
Unless you built
a sunroof. - Yeah.
Okay, so he's definitely
not cheating on me, right?
I have nothing to worry about.
Not a thing to worry about.
- Definitely not. - Uh-uh.
I mean, unless he is.
So, we're seriously doing this?
We're going through
your fiance's trash
in the middle of the night?
Okay, when a man enters you,
you have a right to his garbage.
You know what? I'm going in.
What? No.
No, that's breaking
and entering.
I'm not breaking,
I'm just entering.
Wait, Claire!
Claire!
Claire!
Why are we
searching the kitchen?
Because it is the last place
anyone would think to look.
I don't know, clean
people don't cheat.
His maid comes twice a week.
Maybe he's fucking her.
Hey, that'd be kinda brilliant.
She could just clean up afterward.
Ugh, that's not funny.
Wait, are you
sniffing his clothes?
Well, if I don't sniff for vanilla
musk and scan for body glitter,
how do I know if he's
been to a strip club?
I'll allow it.
- Thank you.
Oh, things just got... weird.
Oh, my God, Zoe,
take off the mask.
Zoe, take off the mask!
Zoe, take off the fucking mask!
Oh, my God.
Oh.
All right, Nate. Nate, stop.
Stop. Stay.
Look, buddy, it
would be so awesome
if you would just
stop the dog thing.
Because you're
not a dog, Nathan.
You're a kid, and
you're a great kid.
So, what do you say?
Stand up and walk
on your own two feet?
He bit me, dude.
I know, but he's so cute.
We make awesome kids.
I mean, they're weird
as shit, but awesome.
So, listen, I was thinking...
The affair thing,
is that still a go?
Yeah, totally.
Should I let you know when...
- No, I don't want to
hear details or anything.
Cool.
Hey, guys...
Not in the street. Hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Get your brother.
Just stop him.
Come here.
Come here, boy.
Whoa, wax your bush.
Wax your bush.
Try out the wax
studio, right there.
Hello, your wife looks
like she needs a wax.
Sir, sir, sorry.
It's a little...
You wanna wax your bush?
Wax your bush.
Wax your bush.
Wax your bush.
Thank you. Wait, hey!
Hey, Zoe.
Hey this is not working. I
am fucked right now, Claire.
What's up?
I'm just scaring people away.
Nobody gets the double entendre.
Oh, you just said "double
entendre" and now I am worried.
Just pour yourself a
vodka soda and know that
if you build it, they'll come.
They should.
Hey.
Hey.
Oh, hey.
Nice double entendre.
Thank you.
You doing okay?
You look a little...
Yeah, no, I'm good.
I'm really... really good.
Yeah. - Why, do I not
look okay? - No, you look hot.
Double entendre.
What are you doing right now?
Oh, you know, I'm...
Just probably gonna jump
off a bridge or something.
Yeah, you gotta get
outta politics, it's killing you.
Come on.
Can I buy you a drink?
Um, nope, I have
a drink already.
What is your name?
Are we allowed to do names?
I thought we weren't doing names.
You can make
one up, if you'd like.
Oh, okay. Um...
Great, I didn't really give
that any advanced thought.
Um, Allison.
No, I hate Allison,
she is a total...
Melania.
That is also equally vile.
Um...
Lola?
That's cute... no, that's
trying too hard, isn't it?
Nice to meet you, Lola.
Wow, you're really getting
into that hand, aren't you?
No, no, no.
Uh, sorry, I'm just not into...
Public displays of affection.
So, how do we...
how do we do this?
You tell me what you like.
Okay. Um...
Well, I like C-SPAN,
I like to workout,
I like watching people hoard on TV.
- Okay, how "about I figure this out?"
Um...
You don't...
You don't have any
cold sores, do you?
No.
Okay.
It's just that like, 85% of
the population has herpes.
So it's a valid question.
Um, I would really prefer
not to take off my clothes.
Okay.
I'm sorry, I've never been
with anyone besides my husband.
I just thought I might
take you to a movie,
if that's all right.
What do you think?
Wow, did you set
this all up yourself?
Yeah, I'm not so
great at sleeping.
So I just come up
here and hang out.
It's like I have my
own personal drive-in.
Yeah, at night I stay
up making mixed CDs.
I mean, I guess they're
called playlists now, but...
Dude, you do
realize that mixed CDs
are like a lost art form, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, every girl I
liked in high school
would get these,
like, heart-wrenching,
80s hair band,
power ballad mixes.
Oh, no, Paul, you're a
hair band guy? - Sorry, yes.
That is both very lame
and kinda, sorta awesome.
Thank you.
Wow, I sleep up here
more than I care to admit.
Can I ask you something?
Whoo, I hate questions
that start with that. But, sure.
Why were you alone in
your car at the wedding?
You know, when I...
Got high and lit
yourself on fire?
Okay, we don't
need a play-by-play.
I was, you know...
I was giving my
wife some space.
Pretty sure she can't
stand to be around me.
We're hardly ever having sex.
And when we do,
it takes way too long.
It's kinda like that wedding
scene in The Deer Hunter.
My every day is like the
wedding scene in The Deer Hunter.
I started listening to 7 Habits
of Highly Effective People
on audio tape and it turns
out, I have none of them.
Yeah, it took Jane's
parents bailing me out
for, like, the hundredth time
before I came to that conclusion.
Well, my parents have
been dead for 13 years.
So I can't exactly
bother them for cash.
They didn't leave you some
huge trust fund or anything?
A trust fund?
Really? - I... I don't know.
No, my parents were basically
like the Bonnie and
Clyde of tax evasion.
They opened up a bunch
of credit cards in my name,
left me with all this debt.
So yeah, they raised me, but
then somebody else sent me the bill.
Well, how'd you then
open up a business
and land on your feet?
- I worked a ton of jobs,
I served a thousand
beers at Beer Land,
worked the door at Mohawk,
temped, parked cars at a rodeo.
I actually was the
cashier at the salon
and then they were closing down
and I got my license,
took over the lease,
paid for itself for a while.
What?
I just... I find
you fascinating.
That's a word.
That is the F-word.
It must be
horrible to lose this.
Yeah.
It'll probably be a condo
by the end of the month.
You ready?
- Yeah.
Hi.
No.
Zoe? - Yeah?
- Zoe! - Oh, hi!
Hi, I'm so happy you came!
Of course.
I have something for you.
For me?
- Look!
Oh, great! Do you
want to feel him kick?
No.
- Come on.
It is a joy. - No.
- To feel him kick, I must say.
No, no, I do not.
No?
- I do not...
want to feel the kick.
Fine, maybe we can put
your present over here
along with the
non-registry gifts.
It's okay, all the
single people bring baskets.
Oh, Zoe! - Hi! - Brought
you a juice. - Oh, thank you.
Where's the bar?
Oh, there's a
juice bar over there
and an oxygen bar in the back.
I don't wanna take
too much because I have
a roller derby match
tonight, and it's my first one.
I'm trying to come
up with a name.
I was like, the
Penetrator, you know.
Or like, Nipple Clamper.
- Oh, no, I don't like that one.
I want something aggressive.
So there's no alcohol?
No alcohol?
No, Zoe, it's 11:30
in the morning.
Well, it's past 10:00,
you know, all bets are off.
You ever had a
carbon monoxide shot?
You should go in the
garage and turn the car on.
What? - Yeah, all
the kids are doing it,
don't stay in there too
long 'cause you could die.
But just turn the car
on for like, 30 seconds.
It's the same effect as alcohol.
Anyway, this is a
great party. I love kids.
All right, we'll see
you at the oxygen bar.
I'll see you at the...
I actually will just breathe the
air that's right here, thank you.
Don't judge me, little kids.
Well, hello, friend.
- Hello.
Somebody that I know,
that is older than five.
Hi!
- Hi.
So what were you up to before this
horrific shoot-myself-in-the-face baby shower?
Ah, I was doing
very exciting things.
I was blowing up balloons,
I was unstacking chairs.
Hard labor, basically.
- Sounds like a blast.
You have kids?
- Nah.
Oh. - Do I look like
I have kids? - No. - Okay.
Guess what?
- Hmm?
Your son is biting party guests.
Our son thinks he's a dog.
- It's a phase. It's a phase.
Be right back.
- Thank you.
It's actually a totally
normal, developmental stage.
Oh, sure, yeah.
- It actually means
he has an above-average
imagination.
So, maybe he'll be an artist.
I hope not.
Well, I bark at
like half my dates.
So, I totally understand.
Yeah, don't have kids,
that's my tip for you.
Way ahead of you.
God, I hate myself.
Hello.
What's y'all' s nameses?
I see how this is going.
You know the first boy that
ever broke my heart had red hair.
He ended up cutting off a lock
of his hair and mailing it to me.
I still have it in this
trunk at my house.
I wonder what he's doing?
Do you guys have Facebook?
So which one of you do you
think will lose your virginity first?
It's a fair question.
June, Cam...
Sorry, Cameron,
June, this is Zoe.
Zoe, these are my girls.
You have three kids.
That I do, Zoe.
That I do.
What's your
name again? - Sam.
I want to welcome
everybody to Oral 101.
I am Sarah-Beth and I suck!
Seriously, Claire?
What, I saw it on Groupon.
You bought a dick-sucking
class on Groupon?
So today you're
gonna learn how to GBB,
Give better blowjobs.
You told me that
this was going to be
a cooking exhibition to
make homemade Pop-tarts.
Surprise!
- Fuck you.
He won't.
- What?
Fuck me.
And it is actually
an amazing exfoliant.
My fiance won't have sex with
me unless I have bush on my face.
That's what the masks were for?
And just put it on
your face like this
and I swear your face
has never been softer.
So when you have
the penis in your mouth,
you wanna treat it
like a pepper grinder.
Now, twist it!
Twist it! Put
some pepper on it!
It's all in the
wrist. That's nice.
Every penis has
its own personality.
Some dicks are just
like a nice, simple guy
that's tellin' you
he likes your blouse.
Other dicks are a little feisty.
You can get a good sense of what
a dick's gonna be like when you see it.
If he's all doin' this at first,
you're like, "Yeah,
that's a feisty dick!"
And there's nothing a guy likes
more than getting compliments.
Okay, so watch this.
You have the
most beautiful eyes
of anyone I have ever seen.
So everybody,
pick your penises up.
On the count of three
you're gonna put the penis,
cucumber, in your mouth.
Okay, one, two, three.
You're so sexy.
You're so loyal.
You're so loyal?
Good try. A for effort.
But a guy does not want to hear
how he's loyal in a blowjob.
You need to say something like,
"This is the biggest dick I
have ever put in my mouth."
"It is so huge,"
"I've only thrown
up on you five times."
All right, small mouth, come up.
How does this keep
happening to me?
Zoe, Zoe!
Shh, shh.
Come over here, Zoe.
All right, pull up your penis.
There we go, okay.
So, just imagine
a penis just like,
"Oh, my God, I love this."
"Oh, I want to put my
wiener all over your face"
"and in your mouth,
put it in your nose,"
"and in your eye, and in
your cheek, everywhere."
"Just take it,
just take it, take it."
All right, that's
one way to deal with it.
Uh, I wouldn't suggest...
Breaking it in half.
Hey, Jane!
Well, hi, Nathan.
Oh, sorry, he does
that to everyone.
We didn't see you at the
Toddler Meditation sailboat last week.
You know Nathan
would just love that.
I'm running a
workshop on how to make
your own kale chips
this Thursday, okay?
So, I'll put you
on the list, okay?
There you are!
Jane, we were starting to think
that you guys had moved away.
You know I'm doing a
Mothers Against Litter sign up
to clean up the park.
- Paul's already on the list.
He is really fantastic with
the kids. You are so lucky!
What, you have to pee?
Okay, come on.
Mom, we're hungry.
Dad, can we have dinner?
Yeah, I'll order us a pizza.
No, I can make
something in a minute.
Can you walk your brother?
Hotel Eleven 10 p.m. Room 116.
Who is that?
Lana, she's really
upset about the pregnancy.
You know, I
should go over there.
Why don't you
order that pizza thing?
Okay.
WAX
BRAZILIAN WAXING STUDIO
ZOE
FOR LOST ART FORMS
Hello?
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Yes. Thank you for calling.
Ah, guys, the school called
and it seems that
your class has lice.
No, no, no, no, no.
We don't scream.
Sit down, sit down.
I'm gonna take a look at you.
Everyone just calm down.
I'm sure everything is fine.
We're just... you know,
we're gonna deal with this, okay?
The important thing
is we don't...
Oh, fuck!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry for using that word.
It was knee-jerk.
Uh...
We're gonna kill them all.
Daddy's gonna kill them all.
We'll be fine.
You'll be fine. We'll be okay.
Here we go.
Here we go.
What did I do?
Nothing, you're great.
You're great.
It's just something that
happens to me these days.
I'm just obsessing.
I'm obsessing. - It's okay.
I'm obsessing.
- It's okay.
It's just so hard to be alone.
Especially when
you're with someone.
Uh... I can...
I can hold you.
For an extra 200 $.
Hey.
Hey.
Where you been?
I called you like 10 times.
My phone died.
Okay, don't freak out.
Maybe we should send
them to private school.
You think lice don't infect
spoiled rich kids? - Probably not.
Have you slept
with anyone yet?
You told me not to tell you.
Yeah, no, I know,
I'm sorry, never mind.
But no, I haven't.
Come here.
I love you.
I know.
Okay, all right.
Paul, stop. Why? - Seriously,
stop. - What. What is it?
We have to wash this out.
EVICTION NOTICE
All right, full disclosure.
I pretty much survive
on food truck meals alone.
So you're talking to an
expert here. You can trust me.
I trust you.
- Thank you.
Do you realize how
badass these guys are?
I mean, no one can
afford a lease anymore.
So they're like, "Screw it, we're gonna
open a business on our own terms,"
"no one to answer to, and we get to
do what we love day in and day out."
Plus, these tacos are no joke.
Okay, well, you're talking to
somebody with extraordinarily
high taco standards,
just to be clear.
Okay. - I'm not
easily impressed.
Okay, so we're meeting
in the same place here.
Mmm-hmm.
- And...
Close your eyes
and open your mouth.
I'm not falling
for that one again.
Come on, man,
it's taco roulette.
You gotta trust me, I have
honorable intentions, I swear.
Okay. All right.
This is very vulnerable for me.
Shh.
So your mouth is ready.
Okay. - It's
close, it's close.
Okay, oh.
- Chew it down.
This is really good.
- It's really good, right?
Who knows his tacos?
- You know your tacos.
Come on, there you got it.
Well, I met somebody.
Someone I actually like, and
he's perfect, and he's married.
Unhappily.
Well, that's new
and better than happily.
You know what your problem is?
Um, yeah, which one?
You see everyone
around you settling down
and it makes you want to
rev up and give hand jobs
to weird dudes in public.
Wow, you really have a way of
making things sound worse than they are.
Really? 'Cause you're
sleeping with a married guy
and watching your business
fail right before your eyes.
I haven't actually
slept with him
and what am I supposed to do
about my store? It's out of my hands.
I'm sorry, you
haven't slept with him?
Well, that's different.
Shut up.
Look, if that's
what you want, go for it.
If the store is what you want,
stop being complacent, okay?
We'll figure something out.
Or we'll die.
But either way, it's
gonna be over soon.
I'll drink to that.
Cheers.
I'm kinda getting
high from the fumes.
That's why we come here.
Right.
Paul?
Hi. - What are
you doing here?
You forgot your keys.
What is this place?
Ah, it's just a place I hang
out sometimes, you know?
Watch movies.
You're drinking?
No, it's a friend's.
- You don't have friends.
Thanks, I do occasionally...
Have friends.
Okay, so what, you
come here and you watch...
You watch Working girl?
Why are you
watching Working girl?
You only watch Working girl
when you're feeling defeated.
You wanna hang out for
a bit? Watch Working girl?
I can't. I don't have time.
Yeah.
Thanks for the keys.
See you at home.
- Yeah, see you at home.
Hello.
- Hello.
What are you doing?
I am tracing my own hand.
Okay, well, a few of us are
going to a bar down the street
if you would like to join us.
And by a few of us I
mean, there is no us,
it's just me, alone.
But there will be
people in the background.
So, it should be fun.
I would, and thanks for
the invitation but I'm sober.
Oh, perfect, I'm an enabler.
So, this is great.
Rain check?
- Aw, come on.
It'll be fun. Right?
Question mark, exclamation point.
Another exclamation
point, dot, dot, dot, dot...
Okay, I'll go if you stop
doing that. - Deal. Period.
So are you sober
or are you an alcoholic?
Well, I'm definitely sober.
Not sure if I'm an alcoholic.
But my wife is sure.
Cool.
- Yeah.
So how bad of an
alcoholic are we talking?
Do you, like, chug Listerine?
Do you keep gasoline
underneath your bed?
No, I was, like, old-school.
I just drank all the human stuff.
But, like... like a lot of it.
I like a man who can commit
to something. - Mmm-hmm.
Does this mean you
got like an intervention?
Did people come and
read you letters and cry?
No, but that sounds amazing
and I would've loved one.
What happened to
me was I got into
into a really
awesome car accident.
Cool.
- Yeah.
You didn't hit anybody, did you?
I did, a parking meter.
He didn't make it.
Oh, no.
- It was fine.
He was kind of a
jerk parking meter.
No, Jane, uh... Jane
gave me a choice.
Her or Scotch.
And I chose her.
Well, I choose Scotch.
And beer, and anything else
I can get my mouth around.
I did not say... I
didn't mean it like that.
It doesn't bother you if I
drink in front of you, does it?
No, no, no, other people drinking doesn't
bother me as much as, you know, me not.
Which still annoys me.
Well, you seem to be handling
yourself quite nicely, you know?
Something right there.
Ow! Sorry.
Fuck!
I'm gonna worry
about this later.
So that happened.
- Yep.
I'm in your bed.
Your joint bed.
You are married, you have a
wife. You know, your wife, Jane.
Where is Jane?
She's gone for the
night with the kids.
Oh, my God.
Jane told me I
could have an affair.
So, I'm the affair?
Well, yeah, I guess.
Oh, my God.
Is that why you've
been hanging out with me?
Was so you could bait me?
So you could sleep with me?
So I can be your... - Zoe, Zoe.
I like you.
You have no idea
how much I like you.
Oh, my God.
We're bad people.
- No.
We're good people.
We're just failing
at it right now.
Just...
I mean, we take the
same antidepressants.
I mean, that should
count for something.
Yeah, that's the spirit.
Listen, my life is, like,
super complicated right now.
I have no idea what's
happening with my marriage.
But my kids, I mean,
they're everything.
They're the only thing I've
ever done right in my whole life.
Come here, come on.
We'll figure it out.
Everything's gonna be okay.
For somebody.
It was too low.
I knew this would happen.
Let me do it. It
was my fault. - I have it.
Leave it. Leave it!
I got it. I got it.
Leave it!
- I'll do it!
Hi.
Jane, hi.
I didn't even know
you worked here.
You didn't?
No, Laser Town is packed.
I just came over for a...
For a wax.
Oh, great.
What were you thinking of doing?
Brazilian?
- Cool, I do that.
I do that.
- Okay.
Unless, of course, you
wouldn't feel comfortable with...
Oh, no, you're a professional.
So, I... I am
completely comfortable.
Great, why don't
you just go back there,
make yourself
comfortable and I'll be right in.
Okay.
All right, Jane, if you could
spread your legs in a frog-like position.
Like... like this?
Excellent, thanks.
So how have you been doing?
Good.
I heard you went by the store.
Yes, I did. I've
gone by the store.
You know, I go by...
I go by all those stores.
Yeah, Paul's having a
really hard time letting go of it.
Sorry.
All right, now you can go
ahead and pull your legs back
as far as you
can, excellent, yes.
You ever been married?
No, no, not yet.
You heard Lana and Peter
are already having trouble, right?
No, I had not heard that.
All right, Jane, you can go ahead
and lie down on your side, this direction.
Yeah, apparently he's
been cheating on her.
Oh, you know, I...
You know, I guess that's
something that people do.
All right, Jane, now
this is something fun,
I never thought I
would be asking you to do.
But could you spread
your right butt cheek?
Excellent.
Wait, is it the wax?
No, I'm just
having a panic attack.
Oh, I have those all the time,
it's a repetitive sound disorder.
Maybe that's...
Is it the sound?
No, it's fine, I'm breathing.
This is breathing and
it means I'm not dying.
Okay, are you sure? Can I
get you something, some water?
No. - A Xanax? It'll help
the water go down easier.
No, it's just something
that happens lately.
I spontaneously start crying.
It's like I have a
disease or something.
No, you're okay.
How do you know that?
I guess it's just
something that people say.
But I'm sure it's
true occasionally.
Zoe?
- Yeah?
Can you just finish waxing
my asshole so I can go?
Of course.
Mazel Tov.
I just want to say thank
you to everybody for coming.
This is has been the
most successful bris.
Well, that's subjective.
Thank you for having us.
It's been lovely.
Are you gonna get him?
No, no. We are practicing
the "Cry It Out" method.
So, it is agony.
But it is better for
him in the long run.
Oh, actually they've
just proven that
lack of emotional
support when you're young
can have a real
damaging effect later in life.
So, it's all over the blogs.
Our son eats off the floor.
No, really, he chews bones
and the other day we found
him drinking water out of the toilet.
So, anything that Jane says about
parenting you should, you know, do the opposite.
This flatware is lovely.
Thank you. Yeah.
You know, I actually from...
Because you're father
of the fucking year, right?
No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry
that I make all the money
and I take care
of our three kids
and I have my parents
bail us out of bankruptcy.
You're right, I'm just a
terrible mom and a terrible wife.
I paid for that money, Jane.
Trust me, I fucking paid for it.
How's that wine treating you,
sweetie? - It's delicious, thanks.
Would you pass the...
- Hey, look, everyone.
Now it's all out in the open.
Look, everybody,
Jane is a smoker.
See, now everybody
knows and nobody cares.
You're right I'm a terrible,
terrible human being,
because sometimes
I have a cigarette.
Right. Ok.
Uh...
There, you win!
Okay? You win!
If winning mean losing
your job, getting a DUI,
and bringing nothing
to the table sexually.
I mean, you think I
just wanna roll over
and get fucked the exact
same way for the rest of my life?
It is Groundhog Day! My
vagina is fuckin' Bill Murray!
Aw, I love Bill Murray.
You're embarrassing yourself.
You know what? You've been
embarrassing me our entire marriage!
Jane, can I get you an ashtray? - No, it's
fine. - No? - Thank you, have a great bris.
Well, I have never
been to a bris before.
But this is great.
Zoe.
- Whoo.
Zoe, do you think
I can't see you?
Oh, I'm sorry, I just really
need my face in my hair right now.
You mean your
hair in your face?
I mean my hair
in my face, Paul.
Hi. - Hi.
You okay?
Yeah, I'm actually...
Are you kidding me?
I signed up for life
classes through Oprah,
because she does that
and then I got corn tortillas
instead of flour because I
heard that was better for you
and I, I...
Fuck, I'm doing awesome.
Okay, listen,
I'm really sorry, um...
I'm really sorry
about what happened.
I'm not sorry that
it happened. I just...
I suck at words.
I'm so much
better at mixed CDs.
Yeah, me, too.
I just, I REO Speedwagon
Can't Fight This Feeling.
Paul, you can't admit
to liking REO Speedwagon.
It's not even cool in an
ironic way like Tom Petty.
Yeah, Tom Petty is
not cool in any way.
What are you...
are you serious right now?
Tom Petty is not cool?
I can't, you know what?
No, I'm not doing this here.
I cannot argue with you about the
coolness of Tom Petty out in the open.
It's just way too intimate.
Then come inside.
- I'm not coming inside.
This is... I can't do this.
It's just...
He was an escort.
The guy I was with.
He was a what?
He was a prostitute.
He was a fucking prostitute.
You paid someone?
You paid someone?
How much did they charge?
Why is there an
eviction notice on your door?
I don't know.
Zo, what's wrong?
I slept with Paul.
Paul of Paul and Jane?
I mean, it's okay, you know?
People fuck people.
I don't know how
this is my life, you know?
I worked so hard not
to be like my parents.
Not to be a failure.
I don't want to lose
everything that I have.
Okay, what do people in this
town love more than anything?
Tacos.
- More than tacos.
Music.
I have the bands,
you have a pretty vacant
space with your store.
I say we charge a cover
and... I don't know,
see what happens.
You think that would work?
I mean, we might
as well try, right?
CONCER SAVE EAST AUSTIN
Sir, you! Ma'am!
See this, Austin?
We can't find Nate.
- Nathan's missing.
Hey, did you pay a cover?
No, you can't sneak in here.
You need to go to the front
and you need to pay. - Zoe, Zoe, Zoe.
Hey! Relax.
This is going so great.
- I have someone at the door.
Oh, great. Yeah. - Wait, you
wanna take a shot with me?
No, and why don't
you slow your roll, okay?
I'm having fun,
Claire, loosen up.
This is going great.
Why don't we
get you some water?
Okay, you look
like a total mess.
Phew.
Nathan!
Come on, bud, Nate!
Did you find him?
- Yeah, Jane, I found him.
"Just decided to stand out here and
continue calling his name like a fuckin" idiot.
I'm sorry!
- It's not your fault.
He does this all the
time, we'll find him.
Yes, it is, it's my fault.
Everything is fucking my fault!
- It was the both of us. Nate!
You know, that I get
off work and I come here,
and I walk around the
block three or four times
before I even come inside?
- Why. Why you do that?
Because I can't
believe that I am this.
This wife, this mother,
it just doesn't seem real.
I never wanted to be
one of these fucking people.
What people?
People who live just
to endure each other.
That's everyone we know.
That's marriage! - It's not!
You think...
You think I tried
to be a shitty wife?
No, I tried! I
tried to do my best!
I worked hard, I
took care of the bills,
I took care of the children.
I tried to be attracted to you.
Wait, what?
What do you... you tried to be
attracted... What does that even mean?
Recently, the thought of having
sex with you just repulses me.
Wow, this...
I'm just trying to
be honest for once.
Yeah, your honesty, it's just
another way for you to hurt people.
Look at our house, nothing fits!
You are buying furniture for
a house we don't even live in!
Nathan!
- Nathan!
Wo, found him!
Must be hard, being
this self-righteous.
You have no idea.
Thank you so much
for coming out tonight!
And giving a hands
up to Sailor Poon.
Look at these ladies.
And speaking of poon, let's
not forget why we're here.
So that our
poons can get waxed
by a local business
and not Laser Town,
which is basically the
Illuminati of pubic hair.
Now tonight, we're
gonna take back what's ours!
Let's take it to the streets!
Come on!
They can't break us.
Ohh!
Plexiglass, you gotta
be fucking kidding me.
This just stupid...
Ohh!
Damn it! Stupid!
Ow! Fuck!
Ow! Fuck!
Thanks for bailing me out.
The covers paid
half and the other half...
I'll pay you back, I promise.
How, Zoe, how are
you gonna pay me back?
You don't have anything.
- Look, Claire, I'm sorry.
I was wasted,
I got out of control.
Your parents spent
their whole lives
running from
where you just were.
Wow, that was
a really low blow.
God, Zoe, you need to grow up!
Okay, so you didn't win at life,
you didn't get some grand fucking prize,
no one does and no
one owes you anything.
And, I mean, forget winning,
because how you lose
is just as much a
part of who you are.
And no offense, but
you're kind of an asshole.
You know what? Just
pay me back whenever.
What's up?
What, did you rob a bank?
I got my job back at Beer Land.
That's oddly stable of you.
I know that I
suck at relationships.
And I'm full of shit,
and I act like I'm
right about everything,
because I am so fucking
scared to be wrong, all the time.
But you're my best friend
and I really, really do love you.
And I say that
out loud, like, never.
So...
I love you.
You're being totally
emo right now.
Yeah, I'm really trying to
get better at this emo stuff.
Feels good.
I caught Jim fucking his office.
Like the wall?
No, the people.
And he didn't even invite you?
Oh.
You're invited.
Well, you can come to my
office fuck party anytime.
I can't believe our 5-year-old
needs to see a shrink.
You think he's okay?
He'll be fine.
He probably loves the attention.
I mean, do you
think he is okay?
Yes, I think he's fine.
Okay.
You know, I'm really sorry
about the whole prostitution thing.
It's not funny.
I mean, come on.
I didn't keep up.
Wow, I can't remember the
last time I've seen you laugh.
Oh, my God, that's depressing.
I know this sounds
fucked up, but...
If we were gonna fail, I'm
really glad that I failed with you.
Good game.
Good game.
Oh, hey, buddy.
Hey, man.
- Hi.
Oh, look at you.
- Oh, hello.
Up on your knees.
- You look taller.
Look at that, he's okay?
No. Blow it out, Zoe.
Make a wish.
I wish I wasn't old.
- Like a viable wish.
I wish I were dead.
Or rich.
You know what I actually
wish? I wish I were British?
I think I'd be very
charming if I were British.
Cheerio. It worked.
No, it didn't.
God, I'm really bad at accents.
You are, you actually
are really bad at it.
I know this isn't where you
imagined yourself at this age.
You mean closing my
failing business, single?
I don't know, it
seems about right.
Did you hear about
Peter and Lana?
He filed for divorce.
You got me bad
news for my birthday?
You know I love
other people's bad news.
Speaking of, Paul and Jane,
while no longer Paul and Jane.
Wow, really?
You gonna hit that?
No.
- Why?
I think I'm gonna be celibate.
Oh. That'll last.
Uh, it will last.
I will be celibate.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS
PAUL'S PICK
ZOE
GRAND OPENING!
Hey. Nice sign.
A little on the nose.
I know.
This is great, congrats.
Thanks. - It's amazing.
- Thank you very much.
You know, all my life, I've
anticipated failure so much
it's kind of bizarre when
it's not actually happening.
Mmm.
Sounds nice, enjoy it.
Hey, I heard
about you and Jane.
And I'm really sorry.
"How you holdin' up?
Oddly well.
That's good to hear.
- Yeah, except for one thing.
What?
I keep trying to not
be in love with you.
And it does not
seem to be working.
Hmm, interesting turn
of events. - Mmm-hmm.
Let me just lay out
some ground rules.
There's gonna be no
sleeping together, no sex.
I'm so sorry.
- Okay, great, see you.
All right.
Come here.
Hey.
- Yeah?
I think I'm comin'
around on Tom Petty.
Okay, we can have sex.
Let's fuck. - Oh, fantastic.
The table's very
small but it is full-service.
No, wait, I have an idea.
- No, wait, don't leave me.
No, I need to get this. - Don't
leave me. - Come on. - All right.
Promise, this is gonna be good.
One, two, three.
THIS IS PAUL AND ZOE
Good one. Got it.
Do this? - No, no.
- I've seen people do this.
Told you.
FAVORITE POSITION:
NEXT TO EACH OTHER
My most memorable
blowjobs was with a celebrity.
Oh, I try not to brag
about that too much, uh...
But I met Rick Moranis
right after Honey,
I Shrunk the Kids
and, honey, did
I shrink his kids.
You know?
I'm sweating.