Some Freaks (2016) Movie Script
1
- Hey!
- Sorry.
Hey!
Fucking give it to me, please!
- Just let us see it.
- No!
- Come on, just let us see it.
- Give it to me!
- Okay okay okay, fine, fine.
Not them, just me.
- Dude, come on, cut it out.
- I won't take a
picture, I swear, see?
- Jeremy!
- Phone's away,
just let me see it.
- Everyone is gonna see.
- Hold on.
We're negotiating.
- Seriously man, just
stop being assholes.
Come on, this is stupid.
- Let go!
- No no no, I got it.
Take what's-his-face,
the Korean kid,
fucking Kwong Wah
Kow or one of those
horrible names or something.
- Dude, his parents are
loaded, I should be so lucky.
They probably pick me up in a
hot tub rollover or something.
- The kid in PE,.
- His would warp the corsage.
- Oh come on, it'd be your
good deed for the year.
Pull a Christine
and have all the
kids vote for him for prom king.
- Dude, the movie's
Carrie, dipshit.
- No no no, hold on, I
got it, I totally got it.
You know who you should go with?
- Yeah, who?
- Cyclops.
- Oh my God, you're so fucked.
- Watch him show up with
a parrot and a peg leg.
- He's right there.
- So go ask him.
- No!
- Come on, now's
your chance, go on.
Fine, fine, I'll do it.
Hey.
Hey you.
What's his name?
- Mike?
- Hey, hey Mike!
Hey!
- Shut up!
- Jesus, come on.
Where are you going?
- This is ridiculous.
- We're awful.
- Hey eyeball!
There's something to your right!
Just kidding.
Careful, watch your,
nah, just kidding.
Goddammit Matt, would you
stop fucking walking already?
Get in the goddamn car.
Hurry up, come on.
Dude, so I got this new game.
Open world, sandbox
kind of game.
I dunno, it doesn't even have
a name yet, that's
how new it is.
My aunt grabbed this advanced
beta testing copy
in LA, oh yeah,
she's staying with
us by the way.
You'll meet her, she's cool.
Anyway, it's nuts!
Anywhere you wanna
go, you can go,
anything you wanna
do, you can do.
You can steal jets.
- No, you can't just,
yeah, that's why
they got a joint
account, douchebag
because it's both
of ours, you can't,
yes, yes I did, every paycheck!
Yeah, and if I don't
see every penny
returned by Friday
I will stick my
lawyer in your ass so fast it'll
make your fucking head explode!
Hey!
Hey, can you go get Hunter
please, he's in his crib!
Wait wait wait
wait wait, hold on.
What do you mean until
I give back the ring?
I gave back the ring.
Yes.
Yes I did, when you were here!
- I got you.
- Are you high or just retarded?
Yeah, yeah, that's what I
thought, that's what I thought.
- Mr. Cahill is out
sick, but he has left me
instructions to have you
work on group projects.
Today you will be
dissecting fetal pigs.
If you do not feel
comfortable dissecting
the actual animals,
there are computers
set up on the side
of the room that
will take you through
the virtual process.
Okay, split up into
groups of two and you
can find your specimens
on the back table.
- Okay, so it says here we need
to insert the blade through the
body on one side of
the umbilical cord
and cut posteriorly to
the base of the leg.
What do you say, you
wanna do the honors?
Okay, I'll do it.
Who's getting hungry?
That was a joke.
Well, I mean...
I'm a vegetarian, but it's also
because of the
whole animal rights
thing more than
just 'cause I got a
waistband the size of
a low-flying blimp.
That was a joke too.
Kinda.
Okay, never mind.
Extend a single cut
along the midline
of the ventricular
surface of the
animal to about two centimeters
from the chain, cut completely
through the yadda
yadda yadda yadda,
okay, what is this,
rocket science?
All right.
- Hey, what's going on?
- I wanna suck off
Justin Langsey.
- Who?
- Number six.
He's so clumsy, I love it.
I just wanna yank
down those little
black shorts of his
and suck his dick.
- Okay, all right.
- But he's got a
small dick, you know?
You don't believe me about this,
but I've got a sixth sense about
these kinds of things,
I do, seriously.
- I believe you.
- I bet it is the size
of a dry erase marker.
- Okay, do you wanna
just get out of here?
- I don't care you know,
I'd suck it anyway.
Probably make it easier.
- Hello?
- God he's beautiful.
- Hey, you done?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Let's go.
So the kid is just
standing there
with his harmonica in his mouth.
- Right.
- And his dad's on his shoulders
with a noose around his neck...
- Oh shit, I gotta introduce
you to Jill, hold on.
Jill!
- Basically he's
just left to stand
there until, basically
until he passes out.
- Jill!
- And his dad hangs
to death, it's insane,
it's such a great, great shot,
I'll have to show
it to you sometime.
- Yeah.
Wait, how does he play
the harmonica if hes's...
- He's not playing
the harmonica.
- Jill!
- It's like, it's
just like a simple...
- She must've gone out.
You wanna play video games?
Fuck.
Shit.
- So there was this
new girl in bio today.
- Oh yeah?
Is she cute?
Is she cute, you
gonna ask her out?
You gonna break some hearts?
- Pfft.
- What pfft, what do you
say it like that for?
Come on.
You are a handsome...
- I just mean...
- You're a handsome
goddamn dude,
seriously, I mean it, you got
this whole monocular man thing
going on, total secret agent,
total Nick Fury, Nick
fucking Fury man,
except in the comic
books, not in the movie,
you're not Samuel L.
Jackson, you're not bald.
Or black.
- But dude, she is
the size of a house.
I mean she should save time and
shove me in a trash compactor.
This girl would crush me.
- No no no, she's not too fat.
- Yeah she is.
- She's not that fat.
Just four feet too short, fuck.
- What?
- What do fat women and
mopeds have in common?
- I don't know.
- They're both to fun to
ride, but you wouldn't
want your friends to
see you on either one.
Right?
- Okay, I have one.
- Okay.
- How do you find a
fat girl's vagina?
- How?
- You flip through the
folds until you smell crap.
Then you go back one.
- Where did you even hear that?
- I don't know, it was on
the internet or something.
- Hey where were you, we were
looking all over for you.
Oh yeah, Matt, Jill, Jill, Matt.
- Hey.
Is anyone sitting here?
So you're Elmo's aunt?
I mean that's
pretty weird right?
How does that even happen?
- His mom is my sister
and my dad's his grandpa.
What, do you want me to
draw you a family tree?
- No, no, I just...
I don't know, 'cause I
mean my sister and I,
we're like, I don't
know, I was just trying...
- You was just trying to
make some weird roundabout
apology for hurting my
feelings the other day.
- What...
- Which is fucking
lame by the way.
You can do that with a
fucking fat joke, ugh.
So you clearly
wanna make amends or
pacify your conscience
or weasel me
into bed or whatever
the fuck it is
That you're trying to do,
- Wait, what?
So why don't you just
get it over with?
"I'm sorry"?
- Okay, I'm sorry.
- Do you mean it?
- Yeah.
- Great.
We can be friends again,
take a seat.
So how long have you known...
You know what?
This isn't really
doing it for me.
You wanna get out of here
and eat someplace else?
- Sure.
I'll call Elmo.
- Okay.
Where are we?
- Yeah, where the fuck
are we going man, come on.
- No, it's going,
we're going to this
cool cafe, bar,
diner type, I don't
know what it is,
but there is a bar
inside, we don't have to be 21.
I used to go there all
the time with my sister,
they've got great food,
great corned beef hash.
I mean they have salads and
stuff too, so you're all set.
- Dude, did you
just call me fat?
- What?
- What the fuck dude?
- No, 'cause in class
you said that thing
about being a vegetarian,
so I just thought...
No no no no, hey, I didn't...
- You're an insensitive
motherfucker.
- I didn't mean anything by it.
Hey, hey, I'm really, goddammit.
- Why don't you go
for a walk, okay?
Take a minute.
- I, I wasn't trying...
- Why don't you just tell her
to go on a diet
or something, huh?
- I didn't mean, that's not what
I meant at all, goddammit.
- What if she said something
about your eye, huh?
What if she said
something about your eye?
Would you be okay with that?
- I don't care, ooooh shit.
- We got you!
- Nice!
- That was so good!
I wish you've could've
seen your face.
- Oh yeah, that was good.
- Did you see his face?
You literally looked
like I was about to shoot
your fucking puppy, man.
- That's not fucking funny.
- Come on, I was just
fucking with you, dude!
Do I look like a salad
type of girl to you?
I have my own fucking
zip code, man.
- I don't know.
- Oh, that reminds me of a joke.
What do fat women and
mopeds have in common?
- Elmo already
told me that joke.
- Oh fuck you,
you fucking thief.
- What do you mean fucking
thief, it's a good joke.
- No, it's a shitty goddamn
joke, but it's my joke.
- You can't take ownership of
a joke, it's everyone's joke.
- Whatever.
- That's how jokes work.
- So what about you then?
I think it's gonna be great.
- Can you get behind that?
- Just, I don't have
road rage, okay?
People that have road
rage do things that
are unnecessary, I yell
when it's necessary.
- Yeah, I'm telling
you you still have to
be the bigger person
in that situation.
- Be the bigger, have
you looked at me?
I'm never the bigger person.
- Never, I've known him
for a very long time.
- Okay, all right, all right.
Oh shit, I gotta go.
Look out, look out.
- What are you doing?
- My mother just
texted me, I gotta go.
I forgot, I promised her.
- Where are you going?
- I gotta go make
lobster triangles
with her for some benefit.
- Lobster triangles?
- Kids with AIDS
thing, whatever.
Hey, can you drive him home?
- Yeah, I can.
- Great, okay cool, I'll
see you guys later, bye.
- See ya.
I'm about, oh.
- He's funny.
- Yeah.
- Can I have a drag?
- Sure.
Nice place.
- Yeah, it's okay.
- Just saying.
So...
- What?
I got so much homework to do.
- Huh?
- Got that calc test tomorrow.
- Right, calc test.
- But thanks for the ride.
- Yeah, sure.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
- Hey.
- Shh shh.
You weaselly motherfucker.
- Did you have your
book club tonight?
- Yeah, where were you?
You were supposed to
watch him, I got home at
the end of a double
expecting to drop him off.
- Yeah, I know, I'm sorry.
- God, this kid came in
right at the end of my shift.
Decided to blow his head off
with his father's shotgun.
Chickened out at the
last minute trying
to split the
difference and instead
lost his jaw, it's
a fucking mess.
- I know, I'm so sorry,
just some stuff came up.
Did you end up
skipping the meeting?
- Nah, I took him.
Screamed his head
off half the night,
but it was a horror
novel, so whatever.
- Yeah, how was it?
- Oh are you kidding me?
It was shit, they're all shit,
but whatever, they're fun.
- Good.
Hey, can I ask you
something, and just
promise not to...
- You shut up.
What?
Shut up, what?
- Make fun of me or whatever?
- Come on, when I have
I ever made fun of you?
- Like all the time?
- Right, but lovingly.
So what is it?
What's the question?
Hello!
- Okay, it's stupid, no, just,
sorry, forget it, never mind.
All right, how...
How do you tell if
a girl likes you?
- So basically they
just go over the lake
and then I just shoot
them with my twin gauge.
- I'm kinda scared
of you right now.
- Oh my gosh!
- I'm just saying, I'm
just saying, it's like...
- Oh come on, it's really fun.
It's like basically just...
- I kinda wanna, oh!
- Whoa, what the fuck?
Watch where you're
going, you fat...
- I'm sorry, do you have
something you wanna say to me?
- No, it's too easy.
You have a beautiful day.
- Sorry about that,
I don't know what's
going on, they're not
normally like that.
- Yeah, I'm pretty
sure they are.
- Oh hey, I see
someone's in AP English.
I love this book,
have you actually got
to the part where Sally
tells Phillip that
she's pregnant right
before he's about to...
- Thanks for your help!
- Ow!
- Hey.
- Fuck.
- What's going on?
- Nothing, just waiting.
- Yeah, for Jill?
- No.
- Really, 'cause it's
her car right here.
I mean well it's my mom's
car, but she's borrowing it.
- Is it?
- Yeah, yeah.
Didn't she give you
a ride last night?
- Oh yeah, yeah, no, she did.
- That's kinda weird,
you don't remember the...
- I guess I forgot.
- Forgot, that's seems weird.
Anyway, check this out.
Folks are going
to Norway on a bit
of a buying trip, but
what the hell, might as
well throw a
while they're down there.
- Oh.
Neat.
When is it?
- Next month, during the
regular prom-type prom.
- Okay.
- Yeah, I talked to
Tonic, we're gonna
get three kegs, have
some pizza, dance around,
play some games that don't suck,
whatever, yeah,
should be a pretty
good time, but you should come.
What am I saying,
of course you're
gonna come, what else
do you have to do?
Sit around your house having
no depth perception or whatever?
- Come on.
- Hey, how far's my hand?
How far's my hand?
- Stop it.
- How far's my hand?
- Fuck you, man.
- Anyway, I'm
gonna go to Kinko's
and make some copies, and I need
you to come with me, all right?
So let's go, let's go, come on.
- Hey, I really can't...
- Oh hey, what's going on?
- What's happening?
- Trying to get one-eyed willy
here to go to
Kinko's for copies.
- Mmm-mmm, sorry.
Did you tell him
about our project?
- What?
- What project?
- Wait, you really didn't tell?
We, this is so funny.
Yeah, no, we have a thing.
We have to go to the beach and
collect 20 different types of
shells for this
thing or whatever.
Yeah, but you didn't tell him?
- You have to go to the beach to
collect shells in the winter?
- I know, right?
What the hell is wrong with
the teachers here, right?
We're all of a sudden
in the third grade, man?
It's like no, you won't
weasel out of this,
I am not doing this shit
on my own, I'm savvy
like a motherfucking
toothpick, so let's go.
- Okay.
- Yeah, no, I mean
I'm good to go too.
- We'll see you at the house.
- I'll call you.
- I'll just see you, I'll see
you tonight at the house.
- Well give me an hour, I
can do the shells thing.
- Yeah, I'll see you later, bye!
- Okay, well let me know
where you're going 'cause
I can meet you later
if you want to, right?
- You didn't have to
do that, you know.
- I'm sorry, I just...
I get to see him
all the time, I hang
out with him every
day, and he's great,
he's great, I just
know him so well.
I want to get to know you.
More than I do now.
Is that weird?
- Hey, are we going to
the beach right now?
To collect shells?
- No, fuck that.
What am I, a personal ad?
No, let's go to the dump.
- Anti-prom?
That's wicked cool.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, you did this
all by yourself?
- Yeah, yeah yeah.
- God, you're really
talented, that's cool.
You go to Ben Frank?
- Yeah.
- Oh my God, me too,
I mean I went there.
- How much is it, by the way?
- It's pretty brutal.
- Yeah.
Hey, so where is it?
The party?
- It's in Laramie.
So yeah, you should come.
- Excuse me?
- It's like shit, you
fucking faggots, man.
It's unbelievable,
really, seriously.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Hi, hey, is Matt right there?
I just, I have his phone, I
wanted to return it to him.
- I'm sorry, who
are you looking for?
- Hey Jill!
I just need the restroom quick,
just stay here for a second.
- How old is she?
- It's a he.
- All right.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- Shut that behind you.
- Yeah.
Is this your idea?
- Oh, no, it was like
that when we moved in.
I just never got
around to changing it.
- You play?
- No, I used to, but
my hands are clumsy.
Can't really keep a beat either.
My mom got it for me
right after the whole eye thing.
I guess she thought
'cause my vision
was messed up that
I should focus
on something
auditory or whatever,
but yeah, never got
past Chopsticks.
You risk it all for something
But baby, it's
never what it seems
You sing, Matt?
- No.
- You never sang before?
- I mean I'm not a good singer.
- Will you sing with me?
- I don't know it.
- Come on, okay.
We'll start with something easy.
Right?
Chorus is...
My fingertips are freezing
But I'll keep on believing
You'll feel these hands again
Think you can do that part?
My fingertips are freezing
But I'll keep on believing
You'll feel my hands again
But something
warmer's always near
Found nothing yet
and I'll always fear
This cold world never ends
- You're kind of amazing.
- Yeah.
Okay.
I won't lie to you if
you don't lie to me.
How's that sound?
Just be real with me.
Shake on it?
- Oh God.
All right.
Oh shit.
How was it?
- Like, you mean
like how did it...
- Like was it okay, or...
- I don't know, you tell me.
- Oh God.
Jesus.
Have you done that before?
Oh, sorry, don't answer
that, that's stupid.
- Well I should probably
get going, so...
- Hey, I just, can
I ask you something?
- Sure, yeah.
- You can totally say no if
you want, there's no pressure.
- What is it?
- Do you wanna go
to prom with me?
Are you wearing makeup?
- No.
Chicks walking around
with paint slathered on
their faces, they look
like fucking Oompa Loompas.
Seriously.
Why, do you care?
- Oh no, I just thought
most girls did is all.
- Well I'm not most girls.
What the?
Oh no fucking way, dude!
- Are you okay?
Oh shit.
Maybe I can get some...
Can try and find some shoes
around here somewhere.
- Wanna go to Elmo's thing?
- You mean do I
wanna play cleanup
crew for party of the year?
Nah.
- Yeah, me neither.
- So what should we do then?
Who did you imagine
yourself ending up with?
- What do you mean?
- You know, when you lie around
and think about
girls or whatever.
What do you think she'd be like?
Is she anything like me?
- Honestly?
I just spent so much time
trying to get through each day.
Girls never really
crossed my mind.
I know that sounds
so pathetic, but...
What about you, what'd
you think of me?
- Of you?
- You can be honest you know,
I don't care, I'm just curious.
- I...
I thought you were handsome.
Can I see it?
- Sorry.
- Check it out.
Cyclops has a lady.
If ever there were two
people who shouldn't be
allowed to procreate.
- Maybe they're free.
- Right?
Fuck it, models
don't need to talk.
Talking to you.
- What happened?
Okay, so you know
that list they posted
in the hallway, the
one on the school list,
which schools people
have gotten into?
- Yeah.
- Okay, well Justin Langsey
got into Pilgrim Mass.
- Oh yeah, that's the school
you're going to right?
- I mean at first I was
like I'll think about it,
but now I'm like fuck
yeah, why not right?
But that's not
even the best part.
That's not even the best part.
I'm standing there
and I'm scanning
the list and all
of a sudden Justin
comes up and he
looks at the list,
so I point to my
name and I go hey,
looks like we're going
to the same school.
- All right.
- Smooth.
- Right, right?
Okay, so then he says nice,
I'll see you there, right?
Like he wants to
hang out, he thinks
it's nice or something,
you know what I mean?
- It's something.
- You know who I'm
talking about, Jill?
Number six, basketball team,
the nice ass?
- Yeah, we know.
- Oh my God, the things
I wanna do to that ass.
- We know.
- I wish I could
tell you, I mean
I've told you, but
oh God, I actually,
and this is great, I had a dream
the other night that
he came on my face...
- Would you shut the fuck up?
- What?
- I just don't wanna
hear about it is all.
- What are you talking about?
- I get that you
wanna have sex with
Justin, and that's
great, but I don't
know why I hear about ever
single fucking detail.
- 'Cause it's guy talk.
- What?
- I mean we're
guys, we're talking,
I mean you tell me
about the girls.
- No, I don't though,
when do I do that?
- Right, you could
if you wanted to,
and I would listen
to you right because
that's how it goes,
that's what friendship is,
we talk, that's what
it is, I'd listen.
- All right, okay, yeah yeah,
you're in love with
a homophobic asshole!
- Yeah, well you're in
love with a fucking slut.
- What?
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Since when
was I in this fight?
- Hold on, did
she ever tell you?
She ever really
told you why she got
shipped across the country?
Has she really
gone into it, huh?
- Can we not do this right now?
- Jill, I'm sorry, has
she ever gone into it?
All the 40 year old fucking men,
skeezy, middle-aged
dudes that just
wanna fuck some
big-titted teenager.
- Fuck you!
Seriously!
- And they still call
her too, you know that?
From 3,000 miles away,
and you know why?
- You're a piece of shit.
- 'Cause they know that
she's just that desperate.
- Fuck you!
- Hey guys, stop, come on!
Come on!
- Soon as my parents
get back from Norway,
I am telling them everything
you've been up to.
Running around, leaving
class to fuck this.
They're gonna have you
back on a plane home
so fuck it'll make
your fucking head spin.
- Fucking idiot!
- He's right you know.
- What do you mean, about what?
- I mean if I don't go home now,
I have to go home eventually.
- Why?
- My stuff's there,
my friends are there.
- Your friends?
- I got into school there.
- Wait, what?
When were you gonna tell me?
- Dad called today.
The plane leaves Friday.
- I mean what about graduation,
you're just gonna,
just not gonna go?
- I can't.
- I mean what the fuck?
I mean wow.
Okay.
So what, I mean
now what do we do?
- Realistically
or ideally because
I mean in a perfect world I want
you to move out there with me
and just pack your
shit and grab a
plane ticket, but you wouldn't
do that, that's crazy,
so I don't know.
I don't know.
- Okay.
Let's do it.
- Do what?
- Let's go, I wanna
move with you.
- Wait, are you serious?
- Yeah.
- No.
You wanna move?
You'd do that for me?
Yeah, okay.
- Yeah, I would.
Come on, let's just go.
Why not?
- Better hurry.
- Jill?
That girl you met a couple
months ago, that Jill?
- It was 12 weeks ago,
so that's three months.
- Oh excuse me, three
months, that's a lifetime.
- Yup, I'm going.
- Yeah, it certainly
looks that way doesn't it?
- Mmmhm, we're going this
Friday and that's it,
so if you have anything to say
you can just keep
it to yourself.
- So this, you're
just gonna, hey,
this, you're just gonna skip it?
One of the most
important days of
your life and you're
just gonna flat out...
- Yeah, I met someone, okay?
I met a girl that
actually likes me.
- You'll meet others!
- Someone who makes
my heart feel like
I'm not alone in
this world, who makes
me feel like I
matter, like I'm sexy.
Yeah, I know that sounds fucking
stupid to you,
okay, but it's true!
Fuck it!
Okay, I'm going, and
you can't stop me.
- You're in love with this girl?
Go for it.
Haul anchor, head
across the country.
No plan, no money,
no safety net.
That's what I did when mom died.
I'd be a hypocrite
if I told you not to.
Quick question for
you, how are you
gonna pay for rent
when you're out there?
First, last month's rent,
security deposit, transportation?
- I'll get a job.
- Oh, of course.
I'm sure that you will,
the economy's just kicking.
- Just leave me
alone, okay, please.
- Just on the off
chance you don't,
what are you gonna do then?
- Just get the fuck out of here!
Jesus.
Goddammit.
- Oh my God, I
can't wait to see you,
it's been so frigging
long, I feel like
I'm gonna die if I don't
get to fuck you soon.
- Yeah, no, I'm looking
forward to that too.
- I hope so because I've got a
special surprise for
you when you get here.
- Oh yeah?
What is it?
- If I told you, it
wouldn't be a surprise, dummy.
Trust me, you'll like it.
- Okay.
- What about you?
Bringing anything for me?
- I don't know, maybe.
- So are we just
gonna ignore the fact
that you've got a
second eye now, or...
- I kept waiting for
you to ask about it.
- I mean I didn't
wanna just bring it,
I mean it seems
like it'd be rude.
- No.
- So what, was it surgery or...
- No no no no, it's
just a prosthetic.
- Oh, so like glass?
- Plastic acrylic is
what they call it.
- Cool.
- I mean how does it look?
- No, yeah, no, it
looks, yeah, it's good.
Yeah, it's cool.
- Good.
- So how long you
gonna be gone for?
- Just a week.
This is part one of our
two part plan, so...
- What's part two?
- To move out there.
All right, well
thanks for the ride.
- Hey man, have a safe trip.
- Okay.
See ya.
- Hey Matt, wait a minute.
- Hmm?
- When you see Jill...
Tell her I'm sorry?
- Hey stranger.
Surprise.
So I'm liking the new look.
Is it glass?
- Plastic acrylic.
- Mmmm.
It looks really good.
Very lifelike.
I took a bunch of
pictures before I
started and been
sending you those.
In case you were wondering
why doesn't it match.
So...
What do you think?
- You're gonna miss your turn.
- Thanks.
Science building, math
building, art studio
is back there as well
as the music studio.
That's where I've been spending
most of my time, where
all my classes are.
I'm all stocked up
on music electives,
but I'm gonna be
fucked senior year
when I have to fulfill the ones
I'm supposed to, but
living in the moment.
- Spin man,
spin spin spin spin spin!
- Come on Pat, you got this guy!
- Come on man, you got this!
Come on, come on!
Go baby, come on, come on!
You got him, you got him!
Come on, come on, go, go!
- Go baby, come on!
- All right
man, chug it, chug it!
- Come on!
Man, you got it!
- Come on!
Come on, jabroni!
You got it, you
got it, swing it.
Bam!
- In your face!
Oh my God, that's some goodness.
- You see something you like?
- What?
No no, I just, I know that girl.
She went to my high
school for a little bit.
- You should've brought
her to the Cattle Call.
That ass alone will
put us over the top.
- Hey!
- Hi!
- Okay everyone,
everyone, okay, this is Matt.
- Hi Matt.
- Hi.
- James, Sarah, Rachel, Andy.
- James, Rachel, Andy?
- Rachel, yes.
- Got it.
I'm Matt, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- I have to run,
so I'll see you guys later.
- Okay, I'll see you later.
- See you later!
- I have a good one if
nobody else gets it.
- The graveyard.
- Ewww!
- That is bullshit.
- No, that is
absolutely true, in fact
my first kiss was
in a graveyard.
- On whose grave?
- Priscilla Sears.
- Okay, I have a better one,
I have a better one,
I have a better one.
Okay, it wasn't sex, but I did
get a handjob in a
grandfather clock.
- Oh my God.
How is that possible?
- It was a
large grandfather clock.
- A large grandfather clock.
- It was like
imagine the size...
- Can I just tell you
what I'm imagining right now?
- Please, yeah.
- So it's just like here's this
grandfather clock
and you're inside it?
- Yeah.
- She's just outside it?
- No, we're both inside it!
I'm a gentleman.
- That's some bullshit.
- Grandfather clock though.
- Do I win, do I win?
- I don't know,
does grandfather clock.
- Hey, hey, how about her?
- Which one?
- The blonde girl, white shirt.
- Nah, too thing.
- All right.
Oh, oh, what about her?
In the, what you call
them, the Jeggings.
- Are you kidding me?
- What?
- Seriously, she's
completely normal.
- That's normal?
- Yeah.
- That's normal?
- Yes it is.
- Okay, maybe back in
Wisconsin with the farm girls...
- Dude, I'm from Rhode Island.
- All right, well whatever, man.
You tell me then.
What are we looking for, huh?
What?
- It's so nice, is it
like this every day?
- Yes.
That's why I love it here.
- Thanks.
- Okay, so I have
no way to prove it,
but I'm pretty sure
the mirror in the
bathroom is one
of those two-sided
mirrors you see in cop shows.
- No way.
- Yes, because I
could see a figure.
- Thank you.
You could what?
- What is this?
- Hmm?
- When did you order these?
- While you were
in the restroom.
- I told you I
didn't want dessert.
- Yeah, I know, I just thought
I haven't seen you in a while,
so I thought we
should celebrate.
- Right, but I told
you I didn't want any.
- Oh come on, just have
some ice cream with me.
- I'm good.
- I'm paying.
- I'm good.
- You know that's all I could
think about on the
plane down here?
- What, taking a
baseball bat to the
tiny shred of willpower
I've developed?
- No, just buying
you meals and stuff.
'Cause you always did
the buying before.
- My parents did the buying,
it was their credit card.
- Well I finally
saved up some money
and I've been working
like you wouldn't believe.
I just thought it would be nice
to take you out for a meal and...
- Hey, you can pay
for the dinner.
- A salad?
What is that, come
on, that's not a meal.
- It had chicken on
it, that's protein.
That makes it a meal.
- Wow, you actually
just said that.
- What is so horrible
about having a salad?
- Nothing, it's fine.
You know what, don't
eat it, I don't care.
Watch it melt.
- Jill.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How are you?
- Pretty good.
- Yeah, I'd say pretty good.
- Thank you.
Thanks.
- You look great.
- Thank you.
- You look really good.
- Carl, this is
my boyfriend Matt.
- Hi.
- How you doing?
- Nice to meet you.
- So wow, wow.
- Yeah.
- We should get together.
Get some coffee or...
Something.
- Possibly, yeah.
- You got my number?
- I must.
- I want you to call me.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Okay.
- Wow, you look great.
- Thank you, thanks,
I appreciate that.
- Yeah, okay.
Nice to meet you, Mark.
- It's good.
Good ice cream.
Happy?
Oh my God, I cannot
believe that she
looks like that.
I know, I really...
- Guys, I'm just
saying her ass is
the size of Texas.
- Well it's the size.
I'm doing this thing where I eat
cheese and have
a piece of salad.
Then I run...
- I just wanna
burn the calories,
I don't wanna do it,
I don't wanna do it.
Okay, okay, hold on.
So what did he say when
you found the condoms,
or I should say the
dearth of condoms?
They broke up for three
days and when they got
back together, four
of them were missing.
- Woof.
- He said he likes
to jerk off into them.
Please tell me you did
not fuck him after
you got back together.
- I mean I saw him and things...
- All right, look, we're going
to a party ad Bel Air's tonight.
Join us, we'll find you a guy.
- Ben says he
thinks we can make this work.
- Fuck
that Psion-driving douche.
You're young and
hot, what the fuck
do you wanna be tied
down to a guy for?
This is college.
- I know, I just...
- All right,
you think you love this guy?
Okay, let's say
he's being honest,
let's say he's turned
over a new leaf and
you guys find a way to
make it work or whatever.
Ask yourself this one question.
Do you really wanna
go the rest of your
life wondering if you
could've done better?
- Hey.
- What's this?
You made dinner?
- Yeah.
It's a special recipe I
picked up at the restaurant.
I figured it's our
last night here,
and we've been eating
out all week, so...
- Uh-huh, and what's in it?
You know I've been...
- Well it's gluten
free and dairy free.
It's all appropriate.
- All right.
Let me just take out the trash.
I got it.
- I can get it.
- You made dinner, I'll
take out the trash.
- Jill, come on,
just let me do it.
Really, let me do it.
- No, it's a habit.
Can you not?
- It's the least
I can do, come on.
- Dairy free huh?
- Here, just let me...
- What part of "I'm on a
diet" do you not understand?
Okay, seriously
dude, heavy cream?
Are you kidding me?
- Those are the
ingredients, that's what
goes into it, it's
not a big deal.
- Oh really?
- It's no big deal.
- No big deal, huh?
Okay, do you realize this is one
of the hardest things
I've ever done?
Do you even realize how...
- Oh my God, you run around in
circles once a day,
how hard can that be?
- What?
- Hold on, just,
here, just taste it.
Here, just try it, just try it.
Just have a taste.
- Oh my God, no.
- Please, then we'll talk.
- Just try it, just taste it!
- Fuck you!
Seriously!
- Fucking eat it, eat it!
- Jill, hey Jill!
Jill!
Jill!
Jill, Jill, listen!
- Get out of here, go!
- Please just tell me
what you want, Jill!
- What I want?
You want me to tell
you what I want?
I want you to get
your ass on a fucking
plane and go back to
Rhode Island and never
fucking talk to me again,
that's what I want!
- You know, you'll
never be one of them.
- What?
- You know that right?
Even if you wanted to be.
Even if they want you
to be, which they don't.
- Said the guy
with the glass eye!
Oh, my bad, sorry,
"plastic acrylic".
- Hey fuck you!
- You know what, actually, stop
me if you've heard this one.
Some bitch walks up
Winston Churchill at a
party and says Mr.
Churchill, you're drunk.
To which Churchill replies
yes, but in the morning
I'll be sober and
you'll still be ugly.
I keep doing what I'm doing,
and eventually I'll be thin.
And at the end of the day,
you'll still be deformed.
It's a great word, isn't it?
Deformed?
Such a you word.
You know, you'll also
still be an idiot
by the way, I mean wow,
great plan, Patton!
One fatty meal, 50 pounds
is gonna leap back on me, wow!
- You lied to me.
- I didn't lie to you, I just
didn't tell you about it.
I wanted it to be a surprise.
- That's a lie, that's,
what's the word,
equivocating, which is basically
exactly the same thing!
- Actually no, it's not
because this doesn't
negatively impact you
in any way, okay?
Tell me what's wrong
with what I'm doing.
- 'Cause you're a
fucking fatass, okay?
And I like that about you.
I like that the only
guys I'm competing
against are elderly
degenerates and
guys that sickens me
to think of you with,
but the rest of
the world wouldn't
touch with a 10
foot pole, and you
shouldn't be able to change all
that without fucking telling me!
- You have a beautiful day.
- Fuck!
- Hey.
- Hey.
- I'm just looking
for a jump rope.
- They're over there.
- Oh, thanks.
Hey, don't I know you?
I mean were you a student
at Benjamin Frank High?
A transfer student or whatever?
- Yeah, I was.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I helped you with
your books that one time.
You dropped them.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
- After your friends knocked
them out of my hands?
- So you like working
out down here?
- It's all right.
- Yeah.
I mean it can get pretty busy
upstairs sometimes, you know.
I've had to wait 10
minutes to get on
a treadmill before,
it's crazy right?
- If you say so.
- Hey, look, I don't know
what your plans are tonight.
Me and some buddies
were thinking of
throwing a little party
over the frat house.
I don't know what you
got going on, but I
was thinking that maybe
you'd like to join us.
I mean I know we
don't know each other
very well or
anything, but it could
be nice to see a familiar face.
Hey, wait up.
Just, hey.
Hey.
So which dorm are you in,
O'Malley's, or I mean...
- Don't fucking touch me!
Okay, whatever it
is you're doing
you can just stop right now.
- I'm not, I don't
know what you're...
- I don't know what
you're up to, and I don't
wanna find out, so just
leave me the fuck alone.
- Okay, what makes you think
that I'm up to anything?
- Is that a joke?
- No.
- Some Abercrombie and
Fitch cover boy just strolls
up to the chubby
girl doing laps in
the basement and
asks her on a date?
Yeah, fuck that shit.
- Whoa, okay, first of
all, it's not a date.
I mean...
Okay, I was just asking if you
wanted to check out
a really cool party.
- And I said no.
- But why?
I mean...
- Because I don't want to.
- That's not an answer though.
- I don't have to give you one.
- All right, but
still, don't you
think it would be the
polite thing to do?
Just to show a little courtesy
to a guy who's going
out on a limb here?
I mean be candor with me and...
- You want candor, fine.
You bore me.
- Okay.
- From your fucking
pretty boy smile
to your shoes to your
innermost thoughts
and feelings, have you
listened to yourself talk?
"Oh I gotta wait 10 minutes
for a treadmill," come on.
You know, I guess I just
have better things to
do on a Friday night
than play beer pong
with a bunch of date
rapists in training.
- Wow.
Yeah, you have got
me all wrong here.
I'm a nice guy, okay?
- I don't care.
- Okay.
- Hey, it's me.
Yeah, what are
you doing tonight?
- Is he going out?
I don't know where he's going.
I don't know where he's going.
Where are you going?
I said where are you going.
Hello, am I talking
to a brick wall here?
Say something.
- Out, okay?
I'm going out.
- Where?
- Elmo's gonna pick me up,
we're just gonna drive around.
It's not a big deal, okay?
Have you seen my
wallet anywhere?
- One second.
I'll be right back, honey.
- Huh?
- I'd rather you
stay home tonight.
Look, it sucks what
you're going through.
I know that, I
know it's the worst
feeling in the
world and anything
I say is gonna sound like...
- Damn it, where's
my fucking wallet?
- Hey, are you listening to me?
- Yeah, I'm listening!
- I'm telling you I think
you should stay home!
- That was astoundingly
like the advice
you gave me six
months ago, and look
where that fucking got me, okay?
- I'm trying to help you.
- Help me?
Are you kidding me?
You're a single mother looking
around for her
deadbeat ex-husband
trying to get child
support, okay,
so don't help me,
help yourself okay?
- All right, do what you want.
I'm done.
Hey honey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh hey, a letter came for you,
somebody slipped
it under the door.
It was on the floor
when I came in.
- That one there, that's him.
Click on it.
Nice.
- He's handsome.
- He's too handsome,
I wouldn't trust him.
- See, now why
would you say that?
- Maybe he's a nice guy.
- Or maybe he really likes her.
- Based on what, he
doesn't know her.
- I don't
know, how should I know?
I'm just saying it's possible.
- Yeah, you say it's
possible, and it's usually
not possible, do you even
know what tonight is?
- What's tonight?
- It's nothing.
Never mind.
- No, tell me, what's tonight?
- It's nothing, I mean I'm just
saying I wouldn't call him.
- Is it something...
- No.
No, no.
- Why can't you tell me?
- It's just, it's this
stupid thing fraternities do.
- All right, well I guess if
it's nothing I can call him.
- It's just...
Have you ever heard
of the Cattle Call?
- What?
What, what is it?
What did I do?
- I don't know, it's...
I don't feel like
this is necessary.
- Necessary?
- Yeah, I mean...
You're here, I'm here.
What's the hurry?
- I'm not in a hurry.
- Why do you keep doing it?
I just mean it's like every time
that we're together
it's always...
- Because I like you.
I mean what do you
want me to say?
- You don't even know me.
- Yeah I do.
- Really?
What do you know about me?
- Okay, I'm not doing this.
- Okay, fine, I don't care.
- You're a fucking asshole.
- No, no I'm not, okay?
This is the kind of
shit I'm talking about.
I read.
I have thoughts, I...
I have an imagination, I go to
places that you don't even know.
I do things for people.
- Oh my God, you've gotta
be fucking kidding me.
- Because I care.
That's the kind of shit
that I want you to want
me for, that's what I
want you to know about me.
I'm a decent guy.
Wow.
You look...
Wow.
You ready to go?
Okay.
- Okay, you're gonna like them,
they're super cool,
trust me, it's gonna be,
how much cash do
you have on you?
- Not a lot, why?
- Here, just take this.
Take that.
All right, the beer is
free, but the liquor costs
money okay, so when
you offer to buy a girl
a drink, make sure you
pull out the whole wad.
Okay, let her see it.
- Why?
- So she knows you
have deep pockets.
- Yeah, but I don't.
- Right, but she doesn't
even know that, all right?
They only see what
you want them to see.
Hey!
I got someone I
need you to meet!
Hey, hey, Toni!
Toni, Toni, this is
Matt, Matt, this is Toni.
Toni is in my Women's Studies
class and she's insane.
- Hi.
- So what's with
the weird outfit?
- What, what do you mean?
- Yeah, sorry, I forgot to
tell him about the theme.
- What?
What theme?
- Boys Will Be Girls Night.
Yeah, I should've told you
man, I'm sorry about that.
- How come you're
not dressed up?
- Me, oh, I'm
waiting for someone.
- Oooo!
- Shut up, shut up.
- Who?
- Just a friend, don't worry
about it, it's gonna be fine.
- Hey, just...
Be careful.
- All right, have fun!
- Hey, I think there's
some extra boas upstairs.
Come with me, I'll
get you in uniform.
- 236, ladies and gentlemen!
Who we got next?
Got you, come on up.
Aww, sweetie, don't
be a sourpuss.
All right, who's up?
195, 195!
- Jill?
- Huh?
- Do you want a
beer or something?
- Yeah.
- What do you want?
- I don't care.
- What is it?
- For you.
Let's see.
- No, that's it.
No no no.
No, I don't want
any of that please.
- Oh yes you do.
- No, I'm really, I'm all set.
- Hey, just shut up
and let me do it.
You will look so good,
you've already got
that semi-feminine
thing going on anyway.
High cheek bones, you
have big full lips.
This will be a cinch.
- No, I don't want that.
- Just trust me!
- Listen to me, I said
I don't wanna do that!
- All right.
So what do you want to do then?
- Hey, Justin.
You made it, man.
- Hey there, uh...
- Elmo.
- Elmo, Elmo.
- So did you find
the place okay?
- Yeah, yeah, it was kinda...
What kind of party did
you say this was again?
- Oh, it's like a
stupid costume party.
Normally I wouldn't
be caught dead
in a place like
this, too many fags.
But a boatload of theater
chicks though right?
Tell you what, why don't I grab
your coat and get
you some Goose.
- You know, I think I'm just,
I think I'm gonna head out.
This place is just a little
too wild for my tastes.
- Oh, yeah, no, I get it.
Tell you what, get you a drink...
- It's all right.
- You sure?
You all right?
- Yeah, I'll just, yeah.
- Okay, yeah, drive safe.
Justin!
- Hey, do you know
where the bathroom is?
- Oh shit, it's you.
Patrick Keever huh?
- What?
- I heard dude,
he's a fucking stud.
I'm jealous.
- Who are you with?
- Fabio, he's the sexy Latin
dude taking the photos.
He's got his own
name tattooed on
his back and he's
already misused the
word pedantic twice in
conversation tonight.
But fuck it, he's
on the rowing team
and he's got biceps
like softballs.
So who gives a shit right?
But yeah, Patrick.
You're a lucky girl.
Got a fun night ahead of you.
- Look, I gotta talk
to you about something.
- Why do they all
wear solid black?
I mean whatever happened
to vertical stripes right?
- I don't think I can do this.
- What?
What are you talking about?
You're one of my best pledges.
- Isn't there any other way?
- You wanna leave, no one's
forcing you to be here.
- No, I know, it's just...
- More importantly, no one's
forcing her to be here.
She's not stupid, she
knows what's going on.
Why do you think she
hasn't stormed out by now?
Why haven't all of
them stormed out?
- I don't know.
- Because they wanna fuck a
bunch of good looking dudes.
Are we exploiting them?
Obviously.
Are they exploiting
us right back?
You better believe it.
- Cheers.
- I'm not gonna fuck you.
- Wow, that's a relief.
- I'm just saying,
you're not my type.
I figured we should get that
out of the way up front.
- Up front, you mean like
after I pay for your drink?
- It's nothing personal.
You're just too...
Normal.
- Normal.
Oh God, okay.
Of course, of course
that's the reason.
- What?
Whoa.
- You want different,
huh, you want weird?
There you go, it's all yours.
You know what, the funny
thing is I actually
don't disagree with
you, I really don't.
I don't care what
the fuck you call me.
I just wish that you
guys, all you guys
would just get together
and agree on it
'cause I don't know
what the fuck I am.
And all these guys,
they seem to know.
I mean they're here, they put on
this little uniform,
and the only
reason I don't have
mine on is because
this thing doesn't,
it doesn't fit me.
And if it did, if
there was something
I could wear or
say or do, then...
Are you even listening
to me right now?
I'm saying something to you.
- Shit, that is so fucking cool.
- Unbelievable.
- No, how did it happen?
You gotta tell me.
Actually wait, before you start.
Hey Andy!
Get over here, you've
gotta see this!
- 204...
205, ladies and gentlemen, 205!
All right, last up.
Hey tons of fun, come on.
Come on sweetie, it'll just
take a second, let's go.
- Don't fucking touch me.
- Come on, it's not gonna hurt.
Just get up.
- I said I didn't...
- Just get on the scale.
- I'm not doing this, I don't...
- Get your fucking
hands off her!
You okay?
- Yeah.
- Dude, what the
fuck are you doing?
I was just taking
her on the scale.
- She doesn't wanna get on the
scale, so do not touch her!
- She doesn't wanna
get on the scale?
What are you, her
bodyguard all of a sudden?
- What's going on?
- She doesn't wanna
get on the scale.
- So?
- So everyone else
has, so she has to now.
- She doesn't have to do
anything she doesn't wanna do.
This is supposed to be fun.
- Yeah, but everyone else has...
- I don't give a shit
about everyone else.
Only person I care about is...
What's your name?
- Jill.
- Beautiful name.
All that's important
is that you have
a good time, isn't
that right Patrick?
- Yeah.
- Upstairs.
Last door on the left.
- How did you know I played
basketball back then?
- Well we went to the
same high school remember?
- You went to Ben Frank?
- Yeah.
Don't you remember
there was that
one time we were in the hallway,
I was looking at the
college placement board,
and you came up and I was like
hey look, we're going
to the same school
and you said nice,
I'll see you there.
You want another beer?
- No, that...
- Who is she?
- She's, we were dating.
- Were dating, as in
you guys broke up?
- Not exactly.
- Right.
Not exactly.
How long have you been together?
- Year and a half.
We were trying the whole
long distance thing.
- Oh really?
How's that working out for you?
That was another joke.
- Right, yeah.
Hole in the boat
And now we can never go home
There's a hole in the boat
And now we can never go home
- Oh God.
I'm such a shitty singer.
- Oh fuck, were
you even listening?
Come on man, no, you're good.
- You got a good voice.
- No, no, shut up, that's wrong.
- Fuck that, it's true.
- No man, it's not, I'm
not gonna.
- Oh come on.
- Watch it, jeez.
Outta here.
Roker, huh?
You read him yet, he's good.
He's kinda like...
What's his name?
Whatever.
There was this poet
that my dad knew,
or knew someone
who, I don't know,
but this guy, he
was like, not famous
or anything, he was
just unbearably ugly.
Like hideous.
And no woman would
touch him, so he...
He tried guys.
No guys would touch him.
So he tried hookers.
But none of them would
touch him either.
- Take off your pants.
- Don't you wanna just
wait a little bit?
- For what?
- I don't know, just...
- Just take them off.
- Okay, just give me a minute.
- So one day he
went out to a store.
He bought one of those
plastic revolvers.
And he took the
little orange tip off,
the one that makes
you know it's a toy.
And he ran out into
traffic just waving it.
And the police came
out and tackled him
and threw him on
the hood of the car.
- Is everything okay?
- Just a second, okay?
- I can help with something...
- No, I just, just
give me a minute okay?
- He said it felt wonderful.
Fuck, what was his name?
Justin?
Justin?
Yo dude, you awake?
- So still too normal to fuck?
- No.
Not normal.
Just...
Pathetic.
- Fucker.
- Hey.
Have a good night, sweetheart.
- Hey.
Wait, no no, hey, no, I'm sorry,
I thought you knew,
I thought, you were
touching me, I just
thought that you knew.
Oh God, please don't hate me.
I love you.
- Hello?
What?
- This way?
Hi, hey, excuse me,
can you help me?
Excuse me?
Shit.
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
- Sir?
- Hi, I have a friend here,
can you tell me
where exactly he is?
- All right, I understand.
I'll be with you in
just a second, for right
now though, please stand
behind the yellow line.
- No no no, you don't
understand, please,
can you just tell me
which room he's in and...
- Sir, behind the
yellow line now.
- Please, just...
- I'm so sorry.
- God, get off the
fucking phone, help me!
- Security!
- Okay, okay, okay, no,
it's fine, I'm over here.
- Just sit.
- Fuck.
- Elmo Moss?
- He's in critical
care, please take a seat.
- How are you?
Did you take a red eye, or how...
- Look, just do me a favor
and don't talk to me.
- Do you want me to
sit somewhere else?
- I don't care.
- You don't care, or you...
- Just don't talk to me.
- Okay.
- Don't talk...
- Okay.
Hide me beneath your white sky
Write me a freakin' alibi
Something like the
Bonnie and Clyde scheme
We risk it all
for something better
Baby is it ever what it seems
My fingertips are freezing
But I'll keep on believing
You'll feel these hands again
But something
warmer's always near
Found nothing yet
and I'll always fear
This cold world never ends
Something about the
way I catch your eye
Wait too long
just to make you try
I'll wait as long as it
takes To settle the tides
You say I gotta get
some sleep tonight
Say oh baby if
My fingertips are freezing
But I'll keep on believing
You'll feel these hands again
But something
warmer's always near
Found nothing yet
and I'll always fear
This cold world never
My fingertips are freezing
But I'll keep on believing
You'll feel these hands again
But something
warmer's always near
Found nothing yet
and I'll always fear
This cold would never ends
Call me crazy,
Come on baby, do your thing
Hold me like
- Hey!
- Sorry.
Hey!
Fucking give it to me, please!
- Just let us see it.
- No!
- Come on, just let us see it.
- Give it to me!
- Okay okay okay, fine, fine.
Not them, just me.
- Dude, come on, cut it out.
- I won't take a
picture, I swear, see?
- Jeremy!
- Phone's away,
just let me see it.
- Everyone is gonna see.
- Hold on.
We're negotiating.
- Seriously man, just
stop being assholes.
Come on, this is stupid.
- Let go!
- No no no, I got it.
Take what's-his-face,
the Korean kid,
fucking Kwong Wah
Kow or one of those
horrible names or something.
- Dude, his parents are
loaded, I should be so lucky.
They probably pick me up in a
hot tub rollover or something.
- The kid in PE,.
- His would warp the corsage.
- Oh come on, it'd be your
good deed for the year.
Pull a Christine
and have all the
kids vote for him for prom king.
- Dude, the movie's
Carrie, dipshit.
- No no no, hold on, I
got it, I totally got it.
You know who you should go with?
- Yeah, who?
- Cyclops.
- Oh my God, you're so fucked.
- Watch him show up with
a parrot and a peg leg.
- He's right there.
- So go ask him.
- No!
- Come on, now's
your chance, go on.
Fine, fine, I'll do it.
Hey.
Hey you.
What's his name?
- Mike?
- Hey, hey Mike!
Hey!
- Shut up!
- Jesus, come on.
Where are you going?
- This is ridiculous.
- We're awful.
- Hey eyeball!
There's something to your right!
Just kidding.
Careful, watch your,
nah, just kidding.
Goddammit Matt, would you
stop fucking walking already?
Get in the goddamn car.
Hurry up, come on.
Dude, so I got this new game.
Open world, sandbox
kind of game.
I dunno, it doesn't even have
a name yet, that's
how new it is.
My aunt grabbed this advanced
beta testing copy
in LA, oh yeah,
she's staying with
us by the way.
You'll meet her, she's cool.
Anyway, it's nuts!
Anywhere you wanna
go, you can go,
anything you wanna
do, you can do.
You can steal jets.
- No, you can't just,
yeah, that's why
they got a joint
account, douchebag
because it's both
of ours, you can't,
yes, yes I did, every paycheck!
Yeah, and if I don't
see every penny
returned by Friday
I will stick my
lawyer in your ass so fast it'll
make your fucking head explode!
Hey!
Hey, can you go get Hunter
please, he's in his crib!
Wait wait wait
wait wait, hold on.
What do you mean until
I give back the ring?
I gave back the ring.
Yes.
Yes I did, when you were here!
- I got you.
- Are you high or just retarded?
Yeah, yeah, that's what I
thought, that's what I thought.
- Mr. Cahill is out
sick, but he has left me
instructions to have you
work on group projects.
Today you will be
dissecting fetal pigs.
If you do not feel
comfortable dissecting
the actual animals,
there are computers
set up on the side
of the room that
will take you through
the virtual process.
Okay, split up into
groups of two and you
can find your specimens
on the back table.
- Okay, so it says here we need
to insert the blade through the
body on one side of
the umbilical cord
and cut posteriorly to
the base of the leg.
What do you say, you
wanna do the honors?
Okay, I'll do it.
Who's getting hungry?
That was a joke.
Well, I mean...
I'm a vegetarian, but it's also
because of the
whole animal rights
thing more than
just 'cause I got a
waistband the size of
a low-flying blimp.
That was a joke too.
Kinda.
Okay, never mind.
Extend a single cut
along the midline
of the ventricular
surface of the
animal to about two centimeters
from the chain, cut completely
through the yadda
yadda yadda yadda,
okay, what is this,
rocket science?
All right.
- Hey, what's going on?
- I wanna suck off
Justin Langsey.
- Who?
- Number six.
He's so clumsy, I love it.
I just wanna yank
down those little
black shorts of his
and suck his dick.
- Okay, all right.
- But he's got a
small dick, you know?
You don't believe me about this,
but I've got a sixth sense about
these kinds of things,
I do, seriously.
- I believe you.
- I bet it is the size
of a dry erase marker.
- Okay, do you wanna
just get out of here?
- I don't care you know,
I'd suck it anyway.
Probably make it easier.
- Hello?
- God he's beautiful.
- Hey, you done?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Let's go.
So the kid is just
standing there
with his harmonica in his mouth.
- Right.
- And his dad's on his shoulders
with a noose around his neck...
- Oh shit, I gotta introduce
you to Jill, hold on.
Jill!
- Basically he's
just left to stand
there until, basically
until he passes out.
- Jill!
- And his dad hangs
to death, it's insane,
it's such a great, great shot,
I'll have to show
it to you sometime.
- Yeah.
Wait, how does he play
the harmonica if hes's...
- He's not playing
the harmonica.
- Jill!
- It's like, it's
just like a simple...
- She must've gone out.
You wanna play video games?
Fuck.
Shit.
- So there was this
new girl in bio today.
- Oh yeah?
Is she cute?
Is she cute, you
gonna ask her out?
You gonna break some hearts?
- Pfft.
- What pfft, what do you
say it like that for?
Come on.
You are a handsome...
- I just mean...
- You're a handsome
goddamn dude,
seriously, I mean it, you got
this whole monocular man thing
going on, total secret agent,
total Nick Fury, Nick
fucking Fury man,
except in the comic
books, not in the movie,
you're not Samuel L.
Jackson, you're not bald.
Or black.
- But dude, she is
the size of a house.
I mean she should save time and
shove me in a trash compactor.
This girl would crush me.
- No no no, she's not too fat.
- Yeah she is.
- She's not that fat.
Just four feet too short, fuck.
- What?
- What do fat women and
mopeds have in common?
- I don't know.
- They're both to fun to
ride, but you wouldn't
want your friends to
see you on either one.
Right?
- Okay, I have one.
- Okay.
- How do you find a
fat girl's vagina?
- How?
- You flip through the
folds until you smell crap.
Then you go back one.
- Where did you even hear that?
- I don't know, it was on
the internet or something.
- Hey where were you, we were
looking all over for you.
Oh yeah, Matt, Jill, Jill, Matt.
- Hey.
Is anyone sitting here?
So you're Elmo's aunt?
I mean that's
pretty weird right?
How does that even happen?
- His mom is my sister
and my dad's his grandpa.
What, do you want me to
draw you a family tree?
- No, no, I just...
I don't know, 'cause I
mean my sister and I,
we're like, I don't
know, I was just trying...
- You was just trying to
make some weird roundabout
apology for hurting my
feelings the other day.
- What...
- Which is fucking
lame by the way.
You can do that with a
fucking fat joke, ugh.
So you clearly
wanna make amends or
pacify your conscience
or weasel me
into bed or whatever
the fuck it is
That you're trying to do,
- Wait, what?
So why don't you just
get it over with?
"I'm sorry"?
- Okay, I'm sorry.
- Do you mean it?
- Yeah.
- Great.
We can be friends again,
take a seat.
So how long have you known...
You know what?
This isn't really
doing it for me.
You wanna get out of here
and eat someplace else?
- Sure.
I'll call Elmo.
- Okay.
Where are we?
- Yeah, where the fuck
are we going man, come on.
- No, it's going,
we're going to this
cool cafe, bar,
diner type, I don't
know what it is,
but there is a bar
inside, we don't have to be 21.
I used to go there all
the time with my sister,
they've got great food,
great corned beef hash.
I mean they have salads and
stuff too, so you're all set.
- Dude, did you
just call me fat?
- What?
- What the fuck dude?
- No, 'cause in class
you said that thing
about being a vegetarian,
so I just thought...
No no no no, hey, I didn't...
- You're an insensitive
motherfucker.
- I didn't mean anything by it.
Hey, hey, I'm really, goddammit.
- Why don't you go
for a walk, okay?
Take a minute.
- I, I wasn't trying...
- Why don't you just tell her
to go on a diet
or something, huh?
- I didn't mean, that's not what
I meant at all, goddammit.
- What if she said something
about your eye, huh?
What if she said
something about your eye?
Would you be okay with that?
- I don't care, ooooh shit.
- We got you!
- Nice!
- That was so good!
I wish you've could've
seen your face.
- Oh yeah, that was good.
- Did you see his face?
You literally looked
like I was about to shoot
your fucking puppy, man.
- That's not fucking funny.
- Come on, I was just
fucking with you, dude!
Do I look like a salad
type of girl to you?
I have my own fucking
zip code, man.
- I don't know.
- Oh, that reminds me of a joke.
What do fat women and
mopeds have in common?
- Elmo already
told me that joke.
- Oh fuck you,
you fucking thief.
- What do you mean fucking
thief, it's a good joke.
- No, it's a shitty goddamn
joke, but it's my joke.
- You can't take ownership of
a joke, it's everyone's joke.
- Whatever.
- That's how jokes work.
- So what about you then?
I think it's gonna be great.
- Can you get behind that?
- Just, I don't have
road rage, okay?
People that have road
rage do things that
are unnecessary, I yell
when it's necessary.
- Yeah, I'm telling
you you still have to
be the bigger person
in that situation.
- Be the bigger, have
you looked at me?
I'm never the bigger person.
- Never, I've known him
for a very long time.
- Okay, all right, all right.
Oh shit, I gotta go.
Look out, look out.
- What are you doing?
- My mother just
texted me, I gotta go.
I forgot, I promised her.
- Where are you going?
- I gotta go make
lobster triangles
with her for some benefit.
- Lobster triangles?
- Kids with AIDS
thing, whatever.
Hey, can you drive him home?
- Yeah, I can.
- Great, okay cool, I'll
see you guys later, bye.
- See ya.
I'm about, oh.
- He's funny.
- Yeah.
- Can I have a drag?
- Sure.
Nice place.
- Yeah, it's okay.
- Just saying.
So...
- What?
I got so much homework to do.
- Huh?
- Got that calc test tomorrow.
- Right, calc test.
- But thanks for the ride.
- Yeah, sure.
- Goodbye.
- Bye.
- Hey.
- Shh shh.
You weaselly motherfucker.
- Did you have your
book club tonight?
- Yeah, where were you?
You were supposed to
watch him, I got home at
the end of a double
expecting to drop him off.
- Yeah, I know, I'm sorry.
- God, this kid came in
right at the end of my shift.
Decided to blow his head off
with his father's shotgun.
Chickened out at the
last minute trying
to split the
difference and instead
lost his jaw, it's
a fucking mess.
- I know, I'm so sorry,
just some stuff came up.
Did you end up
skipping the meeting?
- Nah, I took him.
Screamed his head
off half the night,
but it was a horror
novel, so whatever.
- Yeah, how was it?
- Oh are you kidding me?
It was shit, they're all shit,
but whatever, they're fun.
- Good.
Hey, can I ask you
something, and just
promise not to...
- You shut up.
What?
Shut up, what?
- Make fun of me or whatever?
- Come on, when I have
I ever made fun of you?
- Like all the time?
- Right, but lovingly.
So what is it?
What's the question?
Hello!
- Okay, it's stupid, no, just,
sorry, forget it, never mind.
All right, how...
How do you tell if
a girl likes you?
- So basically they
just go over the lake
and then I just shoot
them with my twin gauge.
- I'm kinda scared
of you right now.
- Oh my gosh!
- I'm just saying, I'm
just saying, it's like...
- Oh come on, it's really fun.
It's like basically just...
- I kinda wanna, oh!
- Whoa, what the fuck?
Watch where you're
going, you fat...
- I'm sorry, do you have
something you wanna say to me?
- No, it's too easy.
You have a beautiful day.
- Sorry about that,
I don't know what's
going on, they're not
normally like that.
- Yeah, I'm pretty
sure they are.
- Oh hey, I see
someone's in AP English.
I love this book,
have you actually got
to the part where Sally
tells Phillip that
she's pregnant right
before he's about to...
- Thanks for your help!
- Ow!
- Hey.
- Fuck.
- What's going on?
- Nothing, just waiting.
- Yeah, for Jill?
- No.
- Really, 'cause it's
her car right here.
I mean well it's my mom's
car, but she's borrowing it.
- Is it?
- Yeah, yeah.
Didn't she give you
a ride last night?
- Oh yeah, yeah, no, she did.
- That's kinda weird,
you don't remember the...
- I guess I forgot.
- Forgot, that's seems weird.
Anyway, check this out.
Folks are going
to Norway on a bit
of a buying trip, but
what the hell, might as
well throw a
while they're down there.
- Oh.
Neat.
When is it?
- Next month, during the
regular prom-type prom.
- Okay.
- Yeah, I talked to
Tonic, we're gonna
get three kegs, have
some pizza, dance around,
play some games that don't suck,
whatever, yeah,
should be a pretty
good time, but you should come.
What am I saying,
of course you're
gonna come, what else
do you have to do?
Sit around your house having
no depth perception or whatever?
- Come on.
- Hey, how far's my hand?
How far's my hand?
- Stop it.
- How far's my hand?
- Fuck you, man.
- Anyway, I'm
gonna go to Kinko's
and make some copies, and I need
you to come with me, all right?
So let's go, let's go, come on.
- Hey, I really can't...
- Oh hey, what's going on?
- What's happening?
- Trying to get one-eyed willy
here to go to
Kinko's for copies.
- Mmm-mmm, sorry.
Did you tell him
about our project?
- What?
- What project?
- Wait, you really didn't tell?
We, this is so funny.
Yeah, no, we have a thing.
We have to go to the beach and
collect 20 different types of
shells for this
thing or whatever.
Yeah, but you didn't tell him?
- You have to go to the beach to
collect shells in the winter?
- I know, right?
What the hell is wrong with
the teachers here, right?
We're all of a sudden
in the third grade, man?
It's like no, you won't
weasel out of this,
I am not doing this shit
on my own, I'm savvy
like a motherfucking
toothpick, so let's go.
- Okay.
- Yeah, no, I mean
I'm good to go too.
- We'll see you at the house.
- I'll call you.
- I'll just see you, I'll see
you tonight at the house.
- Well give me an hour, I
can do the shells thing.
- Yeah, I'll see you later, bye!
- Okay, well let me know
where you're going 'cause
I can meet you later
if you want to, right?
- You didn't have to
do that, you know.
- I'm sorry, I just...
I get to see him
all the time, I hang
out with him every
day, and he's great,
he's great, I just
know him so well.
I want to get to know you.
More than I do now.
Is that weird?
- Hey, are we going to
the beach right now?
To collect shells?
- No, fuck that.
What am I, a personal ad?
No, let's go to the dump.
- Anti-prom?
That's wicked cool.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, you did this
all by yourself?
- Yeah, yeah yeah.
- God, you're really
talented, that's cool.
You go to Ben Frank?
- Yeah.
- Oh my God, me too,
I mean I went there.
- How much is it, by the way?
- It's pretty brutal.
- Yeah.
Hey, so where is it?
The party?
- It's in Laramie.
So yeah, you should come.
- Excuse me?
- It's like shit, you
fucking faggots, man.
It's unbelievable,
really, seriously.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Hi, hey, is Matt right there?
I just, I have his phone, I
wanted to return it to him.
- I'm sorry, who
are you looking for?
- Hey Jill!
I just need the restroom quick,
just stay here for a second.
- How old is she?
- It's a he.
- All right.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- Shut that behind you.
- Yeah.
Is this your idea?
- Oh, no, it was like
that when we moved in.
I just never got
around to changing it.
- You play?
- No, I used to, but
my hands are clumsy.
Can't really keep a beat either.
My mom got it for me
right after the whole eye thing.
I guess she thought
'cause my vision
was messed up that
I should focus
on something
auditory or whatever,
but yeah, never got
past Chopsticks.
You risk it all for something
But baby, it's
never what it seems
You sing, Matt?
- No.
- You never sang before?
- I mean I'm not a good singer.
- Will you sing with me?
- I don't know it.
- Come on, okay.
We'll start with something easy.
Right?
Chorus is...
My fingertips are freezing
But I'll keep on believing
You'll feel these hands again
Think you can do that part?
My fingertips are freezing
But I'll keep on believing
You'll feel my hands again
But something
warmer's always near
Found nothing yet
and I'll always fear
This cold world never ends
- You're kind of amazing.
- Yeah.
Okay.
I won't lie to you if
you don't lie to me.
How's that sound?
Just be real with me.
Shake on it?
- Oh God.
All right.
Oh shit.
How was it?
- Like, you mean
like how did it...
- Like was it okay, or...
- I don't know, you tell me.
- Oh God.
Jesus.
Have you done that before?
Oh, sorry, don't answer
that, that's stupid.
- Well I should probably
get going, so...
- Hey, I just, can
I ask you something?
- Sure, yeah.
- You can totally say no if
you want, there's no pressure.
- What is it?
- Do you wanna go
to prom with me?
Are you wearing makeup?
- No.
Chicks walking around
with paint slathered on
their faces, they look
like fucking Oompa Loompas.
Seriously.
Why, do you care?
- Oh no, I just thought
most girls did is all.
- Well I'm not most girls.
What the?
Oh no fucking way, dude!
- Are you okay?
Oh shit.
Maybe I can get some...
Can try and find some shoes
around here somewhere.
- Wanna go to Elmo's thing?
- You mean do I
wanna play cleanup
crew for party of the year?
Nah.
- Yeah, me neither.
- So what should we do then?
Who did you imagine
yourself ending up with?
- What do you mean?
- You know, when you lie around
and think about
girls or whatever.
What do you think she'd be like?
Is she anything like me?
- Honestly?
I just spent so much time
trying to get through each day.
Girls never really
crossed my mind.
I know that sounds
so pathetic, but...
What about you, what'd
you think of me?
- Of you?
- You can be honest you know,
I don't care, I'm just curious.
- I...
I thought you were handsome.
Can I see it?
- Sorry.
- Check it out.
Cyclops has a lady.
If ever there were two
people who shouldn't be
allowed to procreate.
- Maybe they're free.
- Right?
Fuck it, models
don't need to talk.
Talking to you.
- What happened?
Okay, so you know
that list they posted
in the hallway, the
one on the school list,
which schools people
have gotten into?
- Yeah.
- Okay, well Justin Langsey
got into Pilgrim Mass.
- Oh yeah, that's the school
you're going to right?
- I mean at first I was
like I'll think about it,
but now I'm like fuck
yeah, why not right?
But that's not
even the best part.
That's not even the best part.
I'm standing there
and I'm scanning
the list and all
of a sudden Justin
comes up and he
looks at the list,
so I point to my
name and I go hey,
looks like we're going
to the same school.
- All right.
- Smooth.
- Right, right?
Okay, so then he says nice,
I'll see you there, right?
Like he wants to
hang out, he thinks
it's nice or something,
you know what I mean?
- It's something.
- You know who I'm
talking about, Jill?
Number six, basketball team,
the nice ass?
- Yeah, we know.
- Oh my God, the things
I wanna do to that ass.
- We know.
- I wish I could
tell you, I mean
I've told you, but
oh God, I actually,
and this is great, I had a dream
the other night that
he came on my face...
- Would you shut the fuck up?
- What?
- I just don't wanna
hear about it is all.
- What are you talking about?
- I get that you
wanna have sex with
Justin, and that's
great, but I don't
know why I hear about ever
single fucking detail.
- 'Cause it's guy talk.
- What?
- I mean we're
guys, we're talking,
I mean you tell me
about the girls.
- No, I don't though,
when do I do that?
- Right, you could
if you wanted to,
and I would listen
to you right because
that's how it goes,
that's what friendship is,
we talk, that's what
it is, I'd listen.
- All right, okay, yeah yeah,
you're in love with
a homophobic asshole!
- Yeah, well you're in
love with a fucking slut.
- What?
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Since when
was I in this fight?
- Hold on, did
she ever tell you?
She ever really
told you why she got
shipped across the country?
Has she really
gone into it, huh?
- Can we not do this right now?
- Jill, I'm sorry, has
she ever gone into it?
All the 40 year old fucking men,
skeezy, middle-aged
dudes that just
wanna fuck some
big-titted teenager.
- Fuck you!
Seriously!
- And they still call
her too, you know that?
From 3,000 miles away,
and you know why?
- You're a piece of shit.
- 'Cause they know that
she's just that desperate.
- Fuck you!
- Hey guys, stop, come on!
Come on!
- Soon as my parents
get back from Norway,
I am telling them everything
you've been up to.
Running around, leaving
class to fuck this.
They're gonna have you
back on a plane home
so fuck it'll make
your fucking head spin.
- Fucking idiot!
- He's right you know.
- What do you mean, about what?
- I mean if I don't go home now,
I have to go home eventually.
- Why?
- My stuff's there,
my friends are there.
- Your friends?
- I got into school there.
- Wait, what?
When were you gonna tell me?
- Dad called today.
The plane leaves Friday.
- I mean what about graduation,
you're just gonna,
just not gonna go?
- I can't.
- I mean what the fuck?
I mean wow.
Okay.
So what, I mean
now what do we do?
- Realistically
or ideally because
I mean in a perfect world I want
you to move out there with me
and just pack your
shit and grab a
plane ticket, but you wouldn't
do that, that's crazy,
so I don't know.
I don't know.
- Okay.
Let's do it.
- Do what?
- Let's go, I wanna
move with you.
- Wait, are you serious?
- Yeah.
- No.
You wanna move?
You'd do that for me?
Yeah, okay.
- Yeah, I would.
Come on, let's just go.
Why not?
- Better hurry.
- Jill?
That girl you met a couple
months ago, that Jill?
- It was 12 weeks ago,
so that's three months.
- Oh excuse me, three
months, that's a lifetime.
- Yup, I'm going.
- Yeah, it certainly
looks that way doesn't it?
- Mmmhm, we're going this
Friday and that's it,
so if you have anything to say
you can just keep
it to yourself.
- So this, you're
just gonna, hey,
this, you're just gonna skip it?
One of the most
important days of
your life and you're
just gonna flat out...
- Yeah, I met someone, okay?
I met a girl that
actually likes me.
- You'll meet others!
- Someone who makes
my heart feel like
I'm not alone in
this world, who makes
me feel like I
matter, like I'm sexy.
Yeah, I know that sounds fucking
stupid to you,
okay, but it's true!
Fuck it!
Okay, I'm going, and
you can't stop me.
- You're in love with this girl?
Go for it.
Haul anchor, head
across the country.
No plan, no money,
no safety net.
That's what I did when mom died.
I'd be a hypocrite
if I told you not to.
Quick question for
you, how are you
gonna pay for rent
when you're out there?
First, last month's rent,
security deposit, transportation?
- I'll get a job.
- Oh, of course.
I'm sure that you will,
the economy's just kicking.
- Just leave me
alone, okay, please.
- Just on the off
chance you don't,
what are you gonna do then?
- Just get the fuck out of here!
Jesus.
Goddammit.
- Oh my God, I
can't wait to see you,
it's been so frigging
long, I feel like
I'm gonna die if I don't
get to fuck you soon.
- Yeah, no, I'm looking
forward to that too.
- I hope so because I've got a
special surprise for
you when you get here.
- Oh yeah?
What is it?
- If I told you, it
wouldn't be a surprise, dummy.
Trust me, you'll like it.
- Okay.
- What about you?
Bringing anything for me?
- I don't know, maybe.
- So are we just
gonna ignore the fact
that you've got a
second eye now, or...
- I kept waiting for
you to ask about it.
- I mean I didn't
wanna just bring it,
I mean it seems
like it'd be rude.
- No.
- So what, was it surgery or...
- No no no no, it's
just a prosthetic.
- Oh, so like glass?
- Plastic acrylic is
what they call it.
- Cool.
- I mean how does it look?
- No, yeah, no, it
looks, yeah, it's good.
Yeah, it's cool.
- Good.
- So how long you
gonna be gone for?
- Just a week.
This is part one of our
two part plan, so...
- What's part two?
- To move out there.
All right, well
thanks for the ride.
- Hey man, have a safe trip.
- Okay.
See ya.
- Hey Matt, wait a minute.
- Hmm?
- When you see Jill...
Tell her I'm sorry?
- Hey stranger.
Surprise.
So I'm liking the new look.
Is it glass?
- Plastic acrylic.
- Mmmm.
It looks really good.
Very lifelike.
I took a bunch of
pictures before I
started and been
sending you those.
In case you were wondering
why doesn't it match.
So...
What do you think?
- You're gonna miss your turn.
- Thanks.
Science building, math
building, art studio
is back there as well
as the music studio.
That's where I've been spending
most of my time, where
all my classes are.
I'm all stocked up
on music electives,
but I'm gonna be
fucked senior year
when I have to fulfill the ones
I'm supposed to, but
living in the moment.
- Spin man,
spin spin spin spin spin!
- Come on Pat, you got this guy!
- Come on man, you got this!
Come on, come on!
Go baby, come on, come on!
You got him, you got him!
Come on, come on, go, go!
- Go baby, come on!
- All right
man, chug it, chug it!
- Come on!
Man, you got it!
- Come on!
Come on, jabroni!
You got it, you
got it, swing it.
Bam!
- In your face!
Oh my God, that's some goodness.
- You see something you like?
- What?
No no, I just, I know that girl.
She went to my high
school for a little bit.
- You should've brought
her to the Cattle Call.
That ass alone will
put us over the top.
- Hey!
- Hi!
- Okay everyone,
everyone, okay, this is Matt.
- Hi Matt.
- Hi.
- James, Sarah, Rachel, Andy.
- James, Rachel, Andy?
- Rachel, yes.
- Got it.
I'm Matt, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
- I have to run,
so I'll see you guys later.
- Okay, I'll see you later.
- See you later!
- I have a good one if
nobody else gets it.
- The graveyard.
- Ewww!
- That is bullshit.
- No, that is
absolutely true, in fact
my first kiss was
in a graveyard.
- On whose grave?
- Priscilla Sears.
- Okay, I have a better one,
I have a better one,
I have a better one.
Okay, it wasn't sex, but I did
get a handjob in a
grandfather clock.
- Oh my God.
How is that possible?
- It was a
large grandfather clock.
- A large grandfather clock.
- It was like
imagine the size...
- Can I just tell you
what I'm imagining right now?
- Please, yeah.
- So it's just like here's this
grandfather clock
and you're inside it?
- Yeah.
- She's just outside it?
- No, we're both inside it!
I'm a gentleman.
- That's some bullshit.
- Grandfather clock though.
- Do I win, do I win?
- I don't know,
does grandfather clock.
- Hey, hey, how about her?
- Which one?
- The blonde girl, white shirt.
- Nah, too thing.
- All right.
Oh, oh, what about her?
In the, what you call
them, the Jeggings.
- Are you kidding me?
- What?
- Seriously, she's
completely normal.
- That's normal?
- Yeah.
- That's normal?
- Yes it is.
- Okay, maybe back in
Wisconsin with the farm girls...
- Dude, I'm from Rhode Island.
- All right, well whatever, man.
You tell me then.
What are we looking for, huh?
What?
- It's so nice, is it
like this every day?
- Yes.
That's why I love it here.
- Thanks.
- Okay, so I have
no way to prove it,
but I'm pretty sure
the mirror in the
bathroom is one
of those two-sided
mirrors you see in cop shows.
- No way.
- Yes, because I
could see a figure.
- Thank you.
You could what?
- What is this?
- Hmm?
- When did you order these?
- While you were
in the restroom.
- I told you I
didn't want dessert.
- Yeah, I know, I just thought
I haven't seen you in a while,
so I thought we
should celebrate.
- Right, but I told
you I didn't want any.
- Oh come on, just have
some ice cream with me.
- I'm good.
- I'm paying.
- I'm good.
- You know that's all I could
think about on the
plane down here?
- What, taking a
baseball bat to the
tiny shred of willpower
I've developed?
- No, just buying
you meals and stuff.
'Cause you always did
the buying before.
- My parents did the buying,
it was their credit card.
- Well I finally
saved up some money
and I've been working
like you wouldn't believe.
I just thought it would be nice
to take you out for a meal and...
- Hey, you can pay
for the dinner.
- A salad?
What is that, come
on, that's not a meal.
- It had chicken on
it, that's protein.
That makes it a meal.
- Wow, you actually
just said that.
- What is so horrible
about having a salad?
- Nothing, it's fine.
You know what, don't
eat it, I don't care.
Watch it melt.
- Jill.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How are you?
- Pretty good.
- Yeah, I'd say pretty good.
- Thank you.
Thanks.
- You look great.
- Thank you.
- You look really good.
- Carl, this is
my boyfriend Matt.
- Hi.
- How you doing?
- Nice to meet you.
- So wow, wow.
- Yeah.
- We should get together.
Get some coffee or...
Something.
- Possibly, yeah.
- You got my number?
- I must.
- I want you to call me.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Okay.
- Wow, you look great.
- Thank you, thanks,
I appreciate that.
- Yeah, okay.
Nice to meet you, Mark.
- It's good.
Good ice cream.
Happy?
Oh my God, I cannot
believe that she
looks like that.
I know, I really...
- Guys, I'm just
saying her ass is
the size of Texas.
- Well it's the size.
I'm doing this thing where I eat
cheese and have
a piece of salad.
Then I run...
- I just wanna
burn the calories,
I don't wanna do it,
I don't wanna do it.
Okay, okay, hold on.
So what did he say when
you found the condoms,
or I should say the
dearth of condoms?
They broke up for three
days and when they got
back together, four
of them were missing.
- Woof.
- He said he likes
to jerk off into them.
Please tell me you did
not fuck him after
you got back together.
- I mean I saw him and things...
- All right, look, we're going
to a party ad Bel Air's tonight.
Join us, we'll find you a guy.
- Ben says he
thinks we can make this work.
- Fuck
that Psion-driving douche.
You're young and
hot, what the fuck
do you wanna be tied
down to a guy for?
This is college.
- I know, I just...
- All right,
you think you love this guy?
Okay, let's say
he's being honest,
let's say he's turned
over a new leaf and
you guys find a way to
make it work or whatever.
Ask yourself this one question.
Do you really wanna
go the rest of your
life wondering if you
could've done better?
- Hey.
- What's this?
You made dinner?
- Yeah.
It's a special recipe I
picked up at the restaurant.
I figured it's our
last night here,
and we've been eating
out all week, so...
- Uh-huh, and what's in it?
You know I've been...
- Well it's gluten
free and dairy free.
It's all appropriate.
- All right.
Let me just take out the trash.
I got it.
- I can get it.
- You made dinner, I'll
take out the trash.
- Jill, come on,
just let me do it.
Really, let me do it.
- No, it's a habit.
Can you not?
- It's the least
I can do, come on.
- Dairy free huh?
- Here, just let me...
- What part of "I'm on a
diet" do you not understand?
Okay, seriously
dude, heavy cream?
Are you kidding me?
- Those are the
ingredients, that's what
goes into it, it's
not a big deal.
- Oh really?
- It's no big deal.
- No big deal, huh?
Okay, do you realize this is one
of the hardest things
I've ever done?
Do you even realize how...
- Oh my God, you run around in
circles once a day,
how hard can that be?
- What?
- Hold on, just,
here, just taste it.
Here, just try it, just try it.
Just have a taste.
- Oh my God, no.
- Please, then we'll talk.
- Just try it, just taste it!
- Fuck you!
Seriously!
- Fucking eat it, eat it!
- Jill, hey Jill!
Jill!
Jill!
Jill, Jill, listen!
- Get out of here, go!
- Please just tell me
what you want, Jill!
- What I want?
You want me to tell
you what I want?
I want you to get
your ass on a fucking
plane and go back to
Rhode Island and never
fucking talk to me again,
that's what I want!
- You know, you'll
never be one of them.
- What?
- You know that right?
Even if you wanted to be.
Even if they want you
to be, which they don't.
- Said the guy
with the glass eye!
Oh, my bad, sorry,
"plastic acrylic".
- Hey fuck you!
- You know what, actually, stop
me if you've heard this one.
Some bitch walks up
Winston Churchill at a
party and says Mr.
Churchill, you're drunk.
To which Churchill replies
yes, but in the morning
I'll be sober and
you'll still be ugly.
I keep doing what I'm doing,
and eventually I'll be thin.
And at the end of the day,
you'll still be deformed.
It's a great word, isn't it?
Deformed?
Such a you word.
You know, you'll also
still be an idiot
by the way, I mean wow,
great plan, Patton!
One fatty meal, 50 pounds
is gonna leap back on me, wow!
- You lied to me.
- I didn't lie to you, I just
didn't tell you about it.
I wanted it to be a surprise.
- That's a lie, that's,
what's the word,
equivocating, which is basically
exactly the same thing!
- Actually no, it's not
because this doesn't
negatively impact you
in any way, okay?
Tell me what's wrong
with what I'm doing.
- 'Cause you're a
fucking fatass, okay?
And I like that about you.
I like that the only
guys I'm competing
against are elderly
degenerates and
guys that sickens me
to think of you with,
but the rest of
the world wouldn't
touch with a 10
foot pole, and you
shouldn't be able to change all
that without fucking telling me!
- You have a beautiful day.
- Fuck!
- Hey.
- Hey.
- I'm just looking
for a jump rope.
- They're over there.
- Oh, thanks.
Hey, don't I know you?
I mean were you a student
at Benjamin Frank High?
A transfer student or whatever?
- Yeah, I was.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I helped you with
your books that one time.
You dropped them.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
- After your friends knocked
them out of my hands?
- So you like working
out down here?
- It's all right.
- Yeah.
I mean it can get pretty busy
upstairs sometimes, you know.
I've had to wait 10
minutes to get on
a treadmill before,
it's crazy right?
- If you say so.
- Hey, look, I don't know
what your plans are tonight.
Me and some buddies
were thinking of
throwing a little party
over the frat house.
I don't know what you
got going on, but I
was thinking that maybe
you'd like to join us.
I mean I know we
don't know each other
very well or
anything, but it could
be nice to see a familiar face.
Hey, wait up.
Just, hey.
Hey.
So which dorm are you in,
O'Malley's, or I mean...
- Don't fucking touch me!
Okay, whatever it
is you're doing
you can just stop right now.
- I'm not, I don't
know what you're...
- I don't know what
you're up to, and I don't
wanna find out, so just
leave me the fuck alone.
- Okay, what makes you think
that I'm up to anything?
- Is that a joke?
- No.
- Some Abercrombie and
Fitch cover boy just strolls
up to the chubby
girl doing laps in
the basement and
asks her on a date?
Yeah, fuck that shit.
- Whoa, okay, first of
all, it's not a date.
I mean...
Okay, I was just asking if you
wanted to check out
a really cool party.
- And I said no.
- But why?
I mean...
- Because I don't want to.
- That's not an answer though.
- I don't have to give you one.
- All right, but
still, don't you
think it would be the
polite thing to do?
Just to show a little courtesy
to a guy who's going
out on a limb here?
I mean be candor with me and...
- You want candor, fine.
You bore me.
- Okay.
- From your fucking
pretty boy smile
to your shoes to your
innermost thoughts
and feelings, have you
listened to yourself talk?
"Oh I gotta wait 10 minutes
for a treadmill," come on.
You know, I guess I just
have better things to
do on a Friday night
than play beer pong
with a bunch of date
rapists in training.
- Wow.
Yeah, you have got
me all wrong here.
I'm a nice guy, okay?
- I don't care.
- Okay.
- Hey, it's me.
Yeah, what are
you doing tonight?
- Is he going out?
I don't know where he's going.
I don't know where he's going.
Where are you going?
I said where are you going.
Hello, am I talking
to a brick wall here?
Say something.
- Out, okay?
I'm going out.
- Where?
- Elmo's gonna pick me up,
we're just gonna drive around.
It's not a big deal, okay?
Have you seen my
wallet anywhere?
- One second.
I'll be right back, honey.
- Huh?
- I'd rather you
stay home tonight.
Look, it sucks what
you're going through.
I know that, I
know it's the worst
feeling in the
world and anything
I say is gonna sound like...
- Damn it, where's
my fucking wallet?
- Hey, are you listening to me?
- Yeah, I'm listening!
- I'm telling you I think
you should stay home!
- That was astoundingly
like the advice
you gave me six
months ago, and look
where that fucking got me, okay?
- I'm trying to help you.
- Help me?
Are you kidding me?
You're a single mother looking
around for her
deadbeat ex-husband
trying to get child
support, okay,
so don't help me,
help yourself okay?
- All right, do what you want.
I'm done.
Hey honey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh hey, a letter came for you,
somebody slipped
it under the door.
It was on the floor
when I came in.
- That one there, that's him.
Click on it.
Nice.
- He's handsome.
- He's too handsome,
I wouldn't trust him.
- See, now why
would you say that?
- Maybe he's a nice guy.
- Or maybe he really likes her.
- Based on what, he
doesn't know her.
- I don't
know, how should I know?
I'm just saying it's possible.
- Yeah, you say it's
possible, and it's usually
not possible, do you even
know what tonight is?
- What's tonight?
- It's nothing.
Never mind.
- No, tell me, what's tonight?
- It's nothing, I mean I'm just
saying I wouldn't call him.
- Is it something...
- No.
No, no.
- Why can't you tell me?
- It's just, it's this
stupid thing fraternities do.
- All right, well I guess if
it's nothing I can call him.
- It's just...
Have you ever heard
of the Cattle Call?
- What?
What, what is it?
What did I do?
- I don't know, it's...
I don't feel like
this is necessary.
- Necessary?
- Yeah, I mean...
You're here, I'm here.
What's the hurry?
- I'm not in a hurry.
- Why do you keep doing it?
I just mean it's like every time
that we're together
it's always...
- Because I like you.
I mean what do you
want me to say?
- You don't even know me.
- Yeah I do.
- Really?
What do you know about me?
- Okay, I'm not doing this.
- Okay, fine, I don't care.
- You're a fucking asshole.
- No, no I'm not, okay?
This is the kind of
shit I'm talking about.
I read.
I have thoughts, I...
I have an imagination, I go to
places that you don't even know.
I do things for people.
- Oh my God, you've gotta
be fucking kidding me.
- Because I care.
That's the kind of shit
that I want you to want
me for, that's what I
want you to know about me.
I'm a decent guy.
Wow.
You look...
Wow.
You ready to go?
Okay.
- Okay, you're gonna like them,
they're super cool,
trust me, it's gonna be,
how much cash do
you have on you?
- Not a lot, why?
- Here, just take this.
Take that.
All right, the beer is
free, but the liquor costs
money okay, so when
you offer to buy a girl
a drink, make sure you
pull out the whole wad.
Okay, let her see it.
- Why?
- So she knows you
have deep pockets.
- Yeah, but I don't.
- Right, but she doesn't
even know that, all right?
They only see what
you want them to see.
Hey!
I got someone I
need you to meet!
Hey, hey, Toni!
Toni, Toni, this is
Matt, Matt, this is Toni.
Toni is in my Women's Studies
class and she's insane.
- Hi.
- So what's with
the weird outfit?
- What, what do you mean?
- Yeah, sorry, I forgot to
tell him about the theme.
- What?
What theme?
- Boys Will Be Girls Night.
Yeah, I should've told you
man, I'm sorry about that.
- How come you're
not dressed up?
- Me, oh, I'm
waiting for someone.
- Oooo!
- Shut up, shut up.
- Who?
- Just a friend, don't worry
about it, it's gonna be fine.
- Hey, just...
Be careful.
- All right, have fun!
- Hey, I think there's
some extra boas upstairs.
Come with me, I'll
get you in uniform.
- 236, ladies and gentlemen!
Who we got next?
Got you, come on up.
Aww, sweetie, don't
be a sourpuss.
All right, who's up?
195, 195!
- Jill?
- Huh?
- Do you want a
beer or something?
- Yeah.
- What do you want?
- I don't care.
- What is it?
- For you.
Let's see.
- No, that's it.
No no no.
No, I don't want
any of that please.
- Oh yes you do.
- No, I'm really, I'm all set.
- Hey, just shut up
and let me do it.
You will look so good,
you've already got
that semi-feminine
thing going on anyway.
High cheek bones, you
have big full lips.
This will be a cinch.
- No, I don't want that.
- Just trust me!
- Listen to me, I said
I don't wanna do that!
- All right.
So what do you want to do then?
- Hey, Justin.
You made it, man.
- Hey there, uh...
- Elmo.
- Elmo, Elmo.
- So did you find
the place okay?
- Yeah, yeah, it was kinda...
What kind of party did
you say this was again?
- Oh, it's like a
stupid costume party.
Normally I wouldn't
be caught dead
in a place like
this, too many fags.
But a boatload of theater
chicks though right?
Tell you what, why don't I grab
your coat and get
you some Goose.
- You know, I think I'm just,
I think I'm gonna head out.
This place is just a little
too wild for my tastes.
- Oh, yeah, no, I get it.
Tell you what, get you a drink...
- It's all right.
- You sure?
You all right?
- Yeah, I'll just, yeah.
- Okay, yeah, drive safe.
Justin!
- Hey, do you know
where the bathroom is?
- Oh shit, it's you.
Patrick Keever huh?
- What?
- I heard dude,
he's a fucking stud.
I'm jealous.
- Who are you with?
- Fabio, he's the sexy Latin
dude taking the photos.
He's got his own
name tattooed on
his back and he's
already misused the
word pedantic twice in
conversation tonight.
But fuck it, he's
on the rowing team
and he's got biceps
like softballs.
So who gives a shit right?
But yeah, Patrick.
You're a lucky girl.
Got a fun night ahead of you.
- Look, I gotta talk
to you about something.
- Why do they all
wear solid black?
I mean whatever happened
to vertical stripes right?
- I don't think I can do this.
- What?
What are you talking about?
You're one of my best pledges.
- Isn't there any other way?
- You wanna leave, no one's
forcing you to be here.
- No, I know, it's just...
- More importantly, no one's
forcing her to be here.
She's not stupid, she
knows what's going on.
Why do you think she
hasn't stormed out by now?
Why haven't all of
them stormed out?
- I don't know.
- Because they wanna fuck a
bunch of good looking dudes.
Are we exploiting them?
Obviously.
Are they exploiting
us right back?
You better believe it.
- Cheers.
- I'm not gonna fuck you.
- Wow, that's a relief.
- I'm just saying,
you're not my type.
I figured we should get that
out of the way up front.
- Up front, you mean like
after I pay for your drink?
- It's nothing personal.
You're just too...
Normal.
- Normal.
Oh God, okay.
Of course, of course
that's the reason.
- What?
Whoa.
- You want different,
huh, you want weird?
There you go, it's all yours.
You know what, the funny
thing is I actually
don't disagree with
you, I really don't.
I don't care what
the fuck you call me.
I just wish that you
guys, all you guys
would just get together
and agree on it
'cause I don't know
what the fuck I am.
And all these guys,
they seem to know.
I mean they're here, they put on
this little uniform,
and the only
reason I don't have
mine on is because
this thing doesn't,
it doesn't fit me.
And if it did, if
there was something
I could wear or
say or do, then...
Are you even listening
to me right now?
I'm saying something to you.
- Shit, that is so fucking cool.
- Unbelievable.
- No, how did it happen?
You gotta tell me.
Actually wait, before you start.
Hey Andy!
Get over here, you've
gotta see this!
- 204...
205, ladies and gentlemen, 205!
All right, last up.
Hey tons of fun, come on.
Come on sweetie, it'll just
take a second, let's go.
- Don't fucking touch me.
- Come on, it's not gonna hurt.
Just get up.
- I said I didn't...
- Just get on the scale.
- I'm not doing this, I don't...
- Get your fucking
hands off her!
You okay?
- Yeah.
- Dude, what the
fuck are you doing?
I was just taking
her on the scale.
- She doesn't wanna get on the
scale, so do not touch her!
- She doesn't wanna
get on the scale?
What are you, her
bodyguard all of a sudden?
- What's going on?
- She doesn't wanna
get on the scale.
- So?
- So everyone else
has, so she has to now.
- She doesn't have to do
anything she doesn't wanna do.
This is supposed to be fun.
- Yeah, but everyone else has...
- I don't give a shit
about everyone else.
Only person I care about is...
What's your name?
- Jill.
- Beautiful name.
All that's important
is that you have
a good time, isn't
that right Patrick?
- Yeah.
- Upstairs.
Last door on the left.
- How did you know I played
basketball back then?
- Well we went to the
same high school remember?
- You went to Ben Frank?
- Yeah.
Don't you remember
there was that
one time we were in the hallway,
I was looking at the
college placement board,
and you came up and I was like
hey look, we're going
to the same school
and you said nice,
I'll see you there.
You want another beer?
- No, that...
- Who is she?
- She's, we were dating.
- Were dating, as in
you guys broke up?
- Not exactly.
- Right.
Not exactly.
How long have you been together?
- Year and a half.
We were trying the whole
long distance thing.
- Oh really?
How's that working out for you?
That was another joke.
- Right, yeah.
Hole in the boat
And now we can never go home
There's a hole in the boat
And now we can never go home
- Oh God.
I'm such a shitty singer.
- Oh fuck, were
you even listening?
Come on man, no, you're good.
- You got a good voice.
- No, no, shut up, that's wrong.
- Fuck that, it's true.
- No man, it's not, I'm
not gonna.
- Oh come on.
- Watch it, jeez.
Outta here.
Roker, huh?
You read him yet, he's good.
He's kinda like...
What's his name?
Whatever.
There was this poet
that my dad knew,
or knew someone
who, I don't know,
but this guy, he
was like, not famous
or anything, he was
just unbearably ugly.
Like hideous.
And no woman would
touch him, so he...
He tried guys.
No guys would touch him.
So he tried hookers.
But none of them would
touch him either.
- Take off your pants.
- Don't you wanna just
wait a little bit?
- For what?
- I don't know, just...
- Just take them off.
- Okay, just give me a minute.
- So one day he
went out to a store.
He bought one of those
plastic revolvers.
And he took the
little orange tip off,
the one that makes
you know it's a toy.
And he ran out into
traffic just waving it.
And the police came
out and tackled him
and threw him on
the hood of the car.
- Is everything okay?
- Just a second, okay?
- I can help with something...
- No, I just, just
give me a minute okay?
- He said it felt wonderful.
Fuck, what was his name?
Justin?
Justin?
Yo dude, you awake?
- So still too normal to fuck?
- No.
Not normal.
Just...
Pathetic.
- Fucker.
- Hey.
Have a good night, sweetheart.
- Hey.
Wait, no no, hey, no, I'm sorry,
I thought you knew,
I thought, you were
touching me, I just
thought that you knew.
Oh God, please don't hate me.
I love you.
- Hello?
What?
- This way?
Hi, hey, excuse me,
can you help me?
Excuse me?
Shit.
Excuse me!
Excuse me!
- Sir?
- Hi, I have a friend here,
can you tell me
where exactly he is?
- All right, I understand.
I'll be with you in
just a second, for right
now though, please stand
behind the yellow line.
- No no no, you don't
understand, please,
can you just tell me
which room he's in and...
- Sir, behind the
yellow line now.
- Please, just...
- I'm so sorry.
- God, get off the
fucking phone, help me!
- Security!
- Okay, okay, okay, no,
it's fine, I'm over here.
- Just sit.
- Fuck.
- Elmo Moss?
- He's in critical
care, please take a seat.
- How are you?
Did you take a red eye, or how...
- Look, just do me a favor
and don't talk to me.
- Do you want me to
sit somewhere else?
- I don't care.
- You don't care, or you...
- Just don't talk to me.
- Okay.
- Don't talk...
- Okay.
Hide me beneath your white sky
Write me a freakin' alibi
Something like the
Bonnie and Clyde scheme
We risk it all
for something better
Baby is it ever what it seems
My fingertips are freezing
But I'll keep on believing
You'll feel these hands again
But something
warmer's always near
Found nothing yet
and I'll always fear
This cold world never ends
Something about the
way I catch your eye
Wait too long
just to make you try
I'll wait as long as it
takes To settle the tides
You say I gotta get
some sleep tonight
Say oh baby if
My fingertips are freezing
But I'll keep on believing
You'll feel these hands again
But something
warmer's always near
Found nothing yet
and I'll always fear
This cold world never
My fingertips are freezing
But I'll keep on believing
You'll feel these hands again
But something
warmer's always near
Found nothing yet
and I'll always fear
This cold would never ends
Call me crazy,
Come on baby, do your thing
Hold me like