Sommore: Chandelier Fly (2026) Movie Script
1
[horns honking]
[instrumental hip-hop music playing]
[Sommore] There's a rhythm in Detroit,
been there forever.
Back when jazz
spilled into the streets at 2:00 a.m.
When Motown's heartbeat was Berry,
Stevie, Aretha, Marvin, Diana,
and The Supremes.
That rhythm, it never left.
And that's fly.
For me, "fly" is unapologetic
and needs no endorsement.
It's chandelier bright
and chandelier strong.
First time I touched Detroit was '78.
I was a kid on a visit.
Now, I'm a woman on a mission.
Detroit, I'm back.
I am Sommore, and this is Chandelier Fly.
[audience cheering]
[upbeat music playing]
Detroit!
What up, though?
Loving this.
I am absolutely loving it!
Man, y'all giving me some love.
I love that.
Yeah.
Love this.
I like that. Thank y'all.
Yes.
Listen, y'all giving me that real love.
Y'all giving me
that Frankie Beverly love out here.
I like that.
Yes, indeed.
Listen, I personally think that
Frankie Beverly's song "Before I Let Go"
should be the new Black national anthem.
I do.
Whenever 50 or more
Black people get together,
we should have to sing that shit.
That's right,
and for the white people in the house
that don't understand
what I'm talking about,
"Before I Let Go" by Frankie Beverly is
equivalent to y'all's "Sweet Caroline."
[laughing]
[woman whoops]
Y'all giving me
the Frankie Beverly love out here.
-This is Yeah!
-[cheering]
And you gotta admit, listen,
Frankie was a vibe.
Frankie was a whole vibe.
And Black people
all over the country love Frankie Beverly.
We love Frankie so much,
we knew two years
before Frankie passed that he wasn't 100%.
But we still went to the show
and sang all the songs for Frankie.
[audience clapping]
You laid out your white shit,
you went to the show,
and sang the damn songs.
Keep it real, we gave Frankie Beverly
the Luther Vandross pass.
That's right.
Let me tell you something,
Black people love Luther Vandross.
It ain't a motherfucker in here over 40
that would admit that Luther was gay.
[audience laughing]
Luther could show up
in concert in a full gown.
We'd be sitting in that bitch like,
"They must've lost his luggage
at the airport."
We'd never admit that Luther was gay.
Even if somebody pressed it, we'd be like,
"What the fuck that got to do with it?"
See, Black love, you defend Black love.
Listen, when you love Black artists,
you defend that shit.
Like one time,
I had to defend Usher's outfit.
Usher did a show.
Usher showed up with a blouse, a brooch,
and some church lady gloves on.
[audience laughing]
And I was fucked up.
I ain't gonna lie, I was fucked up.
First of all, I'm old enough
to know the difference
between a shirt and a blouse.
Usher had on a motherfucking blouse.
[clears throat] And I was fucked up.
And here's the thing,
it really wasn't a blouse.
'Cause I think
I seen Al Green once or twice
with a blouse on back in the day.
But it was the blouse, the brooch,
and the church lady glove combination
that had me fucked up.
I'm sitting there like,
"Why the fuck is Usher
dressed like one of the Golden Girls?"
What the fuck is going on?
And here's the thing, I love Usher.
Never ever for one day ever,
still to this day,
do I ever think that Usher was gay.
But whoever picked out that blouse
is gay as a bitch.
[audience laughing]
'Cause you ain't never seen
no homeboy say no shit like this.
"Nigga go with the blouse."
[audience laughing]
Ain't no homeboy suggesting no blouse.
But Usher had on a motherfucking blouse.
And I'mma tell you why I defended it.
'Cause I personally think
that Usher is
our modern day Billy Dee Williams.
I do. Listen,
y'all remember Billy Dee Williams?
Listen, I'm looking around the room.
Most of the people here are
old enough to know
who the fuck Billy Dee Williams is.
[audience cheering, clapping]
And my grandmother and my mother
love some Billy Dee Williams.
Listen, Billy Dee Williams
was the most smooth, charismatic Black man
on TV you ever wanna see.
-His skin was cocoa brown.
-[woman] Yes!
He had a voice
was deep and sexy and smooth.
He had an Afro,
that bitch was dry, but it was wet,
but it was curly at the same goddamn time.
[audience cheering]
We had never seen no shit like that.
-Billy Dee Williams was the shit.
-[woman] Yeah!
And as smooth as Billy Dee Williams was,
you would think
that he would be the face of like a
cognac or brandy or champagne.
But Billy Dee Williams was the face
of some of the cheapest shit
you could buy.
[audience laughing]
Colt 45.
Malt liquor.
If you drink that shit hot,
you'll fight everybody in this bitch.
[laughs]
And my grandmother loved him.
And because my grandmother loved him,
my granddaddy couldn't stand his ass.
My granddaddy didn't like him so much,
he only drank half a can
and threw the rest of the shit away.
Like, "Fuck that man."
But that's how I look at Usher,
like our Billy Dee Williams.
And we give him love.
Listen, we give him Black love.
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been doing
stand-up comedy for over 30 years.
-Yes, 30 years.
-[audience cheering]
I get love.
Let me tell you something.
I know what Black love is.
I travel this country,
and Black people love me.
When I tell you Black people love me,
they love me. They really do.
-[audience whooping]
-[chuckling]
I don't care what city I'm in,
if I'm in the hood
and I go to any McDonald's
and they know it's me,
oh, they gonna put a Filet-O-Fish
in the bag, bitch.
They gonna up the nuggets
and throw a Filet-O-Fish in the bag.
That's just what it is. That's what it is.
I'm telling y'all.
Y'all should see when them kids see me.
They lose their motherfucking mind.
They be like, "My mama love you."
"My mama love you."
"My mama love you.
You want a pie? You want a pie?"
I'm like, "Don't lose your job
over no apple pie, nigga, now."
"Don't get McFired
in this bitch showing off."
But I, listen, I know what Black love is.
I really do.
But I learned something.
I learned that
when it comes to Black people
See, not only do we love hard,
but we love you so hard,
even when you transcend,
we love you even more.
But I learned something with Black people.
I learned that you can die
at the wrong time.
Oh, yeah, you can fuck around
and die at the wrong time.
Look what happened to Tito Jackson.
[audience laughing]
Tito Jackson died right after Frankie
and right before Puffy got locked up.
You ain't seen shit about Tito's funeral.
You ain't seen no pictures of the repast.
You ain't seen Katherine
broke down crying.
You ain't seen Janet in all black.
Motherfuckers try to act like
they ain't even know who Tito was.
[audience laughing]
The morning Tito died,
I went to my little cousin.
I was like, "Yo, Tito died this morning."
My little cousin was like,
"Oh no, not the dog from The Wiz."
I said, "Bitch, that's Toto."
"I'm talking about Tito.
Tito, Michael's brother. Tito."
She was like
She didn't even know
Michael had a brother.
I said, "Goddamn,
Tito died at the wrong time."
Then I went to my uncle,
and I know he old enough
to know who the fuck Tito is.
I was like,
"Dude, we lost Tito this morning."
He was like, "I'mma be honest with you.
I'm more of a Grey Goose man myself.
"I don't really fuck with Tito like that."
I'm like, "Nigga, Tito,
Marlon, Jermaine, jumpsuits, afro."
"Nigga, you know who the fuck Tito is."
I said, "Goddamn,
Tito died at the wrong time."
[chuckles]
Know who else died at the wrong time?
Farrah Fawcett Majors, the actress.
Farrah Fawcett Majors died
the same day as Michael Jackson.
Come on, bitch,
now you know you can't fuck with Mike.
You should've held on
one more day, bitch, come on.
You was already an angel.
You was one of Charlie's angels.
Just hold on one more day.
She died the same day as Michael Jackson.
They say they couldn't even find
a funeral home to take the body.
Say people was answering the phone like,
"Farrah who?"
"Beat it, bitch, we waiting on
Mike people to call. Get off our phone."
Listen, death is inevitable,
and we will all leave here one day.
And we should all wish
for a smooth transition.
But I'mma keep it real.
One of the smoothest people
I ever seen leave this bitch
was OJ Simpson.
Let me tell you--
Some of y'all looking like, "OJ died?"
Listen, OJ left this bitch smooth.
I ain't never seen nobody
leave this bitch smooth like OJ.
So here's how it went down.
Two weeks before OJ passed,
it was a rumor out
that OJ had cancer and he was in hospice.
That motherfucker went live.
OJ went live from a golf course.
He logged in on Instagram.
He was like, "Hey, hey, hey."
"What's this shit I hear about
people saying I'm sick
and I'm in hospice?"
"I'm out here on the golf course
having a great game."
That motherfucker logged off Instagram
and was dead
before that shit hit Facebook.
I said, "Goddamn, he was gone. Smooth."
[audience laughing]
Yeah.
Gone.
[chuckles] I'm one of those people,
I try to keep up with all the latest shit.
I really do.
I try to keep up with all the latest shit.
But some of it I missed.
I'm ashamed to say
that I am probably one of the only people
who did not get any
of the subliminal messages
in Kendrick Lamar's
halftime Super Bowl performance.
Listen, I ain't gonna lie to y'all,
I didn't get none of that shit.
None of it.
And I'mma keep it real with y'all.
He fucked me up at the outfit.
That motherfucker came out,
he had bell-bottom hip-huggers
with a dick print in the front.
[audience laughing]
I was confused like a motherfucker.
Like, "What?"
And I ain't know Kendrick was that thick.
I ain't have my glasses on.
I thought it was Stephanie Mills at first.
I'm like, "Goddamn."
"I ain't know Stephanie Mills
was on the goddamn show."
[audience cheering]
By the time I went and got my glasses
and came back, all that shit was over.
I was like, "Fuck it."
I missed the shit.
Y'all ain't know Kendrick was that thick.
I ain't know
Kendrick was that goddamn thick.
[laughing]
And the young people,
listen, the young people was mad.
They was mad 'cause you know
they took that shit serious.
My little cousin's like,
"You ain't get none of the subliminals?"
Listen, the young people
dissected that shit,
analyzed that shit, broke it down,
got all the subliminal messages.
I'm like, "Y'all did all that shit,
but skimmed over Project 2025, though."
[audience clapping]
Didn't read none of that shit.
[man whooping]
And here we are.
Trump 2.5.
Oh, Trump running this bitch.
Trump running this bitch.
And one thing I can tell y'all,
he doing everything
he said he was gonna do.
He doing everything
he said he was gonna do.
What did Trump say
he was going to do day one?
Trump, day one, Trump said,
"If you are not a citizen
of the United States of America,
you getting the fuck up out of here."
I don't know if y'all paying attention,
but guess what?
They getting the fuck up out of here.
Oh, bitch,
they getting the fuck up out of here.
And if I was you,
I'd keep my birth certificate on me.
[audience laughing, clapping]
But they ain't moving anybody.
They moving everybody out this bitch.
And women,
I don't know why y'all walk around here
still with all this international hair.
You gonna be at the border
trying to explain that shit to somebody.
"No, I'm American. The hair is Malaysian."
"I'm not Malaysian."
"The hair is Malaysian.
I'm-- I'm from America."
"Wait, call my mama."
"Mom, you need to bring my receipt."
"Come down" Shit.
Ain't no time to be fucking around
with that right now.
Bitch, I won't even wear a bang right now
'cause that's Chinese.
I'm like, "Uh-uh, bitch.
Just give me forehead right now, aight?"
Ain't no time
to be fucking around out here.
What I'm trying to tell y'all,
this might be y'all's last month
getting a manicure pedicure.
You might be doing them bitches
yourself next month.
Sitting at home like back in the day.
[audience laughing, clapping]
Oh, they getting the fuck up out of here.
And what else Trump say?
What else he said?
Trump said in the next four years,
we will only acknowledge two genders.
That's male and female.
All that other shit
we were doing in between, uh-uh.
Trump said we building a wall
and a closet.
You gonna get your ass
back in the goddamn closet.
Oh yeah.
Get your ass back in the goddamn closet.
And I got a cousin that's a dyke.
I'm talking about a dyke dyke,
a real dyke.
With a dick with a dyke.
I said, "Bitch, you better get you
a ponytail and some wedges
and blend in with us
till this shit die down."
[audience laughing]
Ain't no time to be showing out right now.
This is real shit.
Listen, this is
what stand-up comedy is all about.
You talk about real shit.
And sometimes the shit be so bad,
you gotta laugh to get to the other side.
I'm serious.
-[audience cheering, clapping]
-You gotta laugh to get to the other side.
I've never been a political person.
I never used to even care about politics.
But I'm paying attention now.
Oh, bitch, I'm paying attention.
I even watched the inauguration.
I ain't know we was boycotting the shit.
I ain't know Black pe--
My cousin was like,
"Bitch, you wasn't supposed to watch."
Well, ain't nobody tell me not to watch.
I ended up watching the inauguration.
And I'mma tell you some weird shit.
I thought it was weird.
They had eight prayers
during the inauguration.
They prayed eight times.
Trump didn't close his eyes not one time.
He was praying just like this
on every prayer.
[audience laughing]
He ain't close his eyes not one time.
But I don't blame him.
'Cause if a bitch tried to kill me
two times in one year,
I ain't closing my eyes in public either.
[laughs]
And I'mma keep it real with y'all.
One of the reasons I really tuned in
was to see what Melania was gonna have on.
'Cause come on now,
Melania be sharp as a motherfucker.
Oh, she do that. Oh, she do that shit.
She do that.
And she did not disappoint.
Melania sat in that bitch
with her hat down this low.
This bitch sat there for three hours.
I said,
"This bitch high as a motherfucker."
-Come on now.
-[audience laughing]
Would you just sit somewhere
with a hat this low for three hours?
She didn't look left.
She didn't look right.
Trump tried to kiss that bitch.
She leaned up and sat back.
I said, "Yeah,
she high as a motherfucker."
Michelle didn't show up,
and everybody went off.
They was like,
"Ooh, Michelle didn't even show up."
"Michelle didn't even show up."
I didn't think it was a big deal
that Michelle didn't show up.
I'mma tell you
what I thought was shocking.
I was shocked
she let Barack go by his self.
'Cause let's be clear,
Barack is fine as a motherfucker.
And bitches be at Barack.
[audience laughing]
And what I was really shocked about is
usually you don't see bow-legged niggas
out by they self after 8:00.
Come on now, women know bow-legged niggas
don't be out by they self after 8:00.
Knock-kneed niggas be everywhere.
They be all over your shit in the club.
Goddamn, get the fuck off.
"Know what I'm sayin', what I'm sayin'"
"Nigga, no."
[audience laughing]
But you don't see bow-legged niggas
out by they self after 8:00.
So I was shocked.
Now look at knock-kneed niggas,
they done got mad.
They sitting here like,
"Don't knock it till you try."
But listen, Trump say he changing shit up.
And we don't know if it's gonna work.
We don't know
if it's for the best or worst.
We just riding this shit out.
Trump changing up all kind of shit.
Motherfucker trying to--
He getting rid of Section 8.
Motherfucker-- Yeah. Section 8.
Medicare.
[audience laughing, clapping]
Might get rid of Social Security.
Trump done went as so far to say next year
he getting rid of daylight savings.
Bitch, it's gonna be dark
at 3:30 next year.
Done.
Done with it.
And here's the thing,
he don't even wanna be president.
He really wanna be king of this bitch.
He do.
He really wanna be king.
He trying shit
that has never been done before.
Trump told them motherfuckers,
"I want my picture on a $200 bill."
They was like, "Uh, Mr. President,
there is no $200 bill."
He said, "We gonna make a $200 bill,
and we gonna put my picture
on the motherfucker."
They said, "Well, Mr. President,
only deceased presidents are on currency."
I said, "Don't stop him. Let him cook."
"Let him cook. Let him cook."
"Let him cook."
[laughs]
'Cause he doing shit
we ain't never seen before.
And listen, we laughing, but listen,
people going through some tough times.
'Cause people are losing their jobs.
There's a lot of people
that have lost their jobs.
We going through some tough times.
You got to remember this in tough times.
Even when you're going
through tough times,
tough times don't last for long.
And understand
that there's always somebody out there
that's doing worse off than yourself.
If it makes you feel any better,
I got a girlfriend of mine,
she having such a rough time,
she selling pussy,
and she don't even like dick.
[audience laughing]
So if you think you got it rough,
this bitch be crying
taking her drawers off like [fake sobs]
[audience clapping, cheering]
[Sommore chuckles]
Now he running shit his way.
He doing shit his way.
He pardoned all the Proud Boys.
Let all the Proud Boys out of jail.
Pardon all the Proud Boys.
Drop the charges, let them out of jail.
Now y'all know
who the Proud Boys are, right?
The people that's responsible
for the insurrection,
that stormed the Capitol in D.C.,
climbed the walls and shit.
He pardoned them, let 'em all out of jail.
I'm like,
"Okay, you let the Proud Boys out."
"What about the Nasty Boys?
Let the Nasty Boys out."
Y'all know who the Nasty Boys are.
R. Kelly, P. Diddy, and Mystikal.
[audience laughing]
Here I go.
We laughing,
but they ain't got to our shit yet.
We just out here popping fans and shit,
wearing cowboy boots
in the summertime and shit.
But we just showing the fuck out.
We can--
Listen, we can turn out any goddamn thing.
Black people done took
the old country do-si-do
and added ass to it.
Rah! Rah! Rah!
You know the people wasn't doing that shit
before we came.
They done added ass to the do-si-do.
Rah! Rah! Rah!
Where them fans at? Rah!
[audience laughing]
See, they done added ass to the do-si-do.
But we gotta pay attention. 'Cause
I don't know if y'all paying attention,
but they're trying to erase
our total existence.
They really are.
Have y'all paid attention?
Like, they are no longer teaching
Black history in the schools.
No longer teaching Black history
in the schools.
So here we are.
If Black history is important
to Black people,
we gotta teach our children ourselves.
That's where we are.
[audience cheering]
That's right. If our history is important
to Black people,
we have to teach our children ourselves.
I personally think
all teaching should start at home,
whether it's hygiene, etiquette, manners,
and now Black history.
If it's important to us,
we have to teach our children at home.
Now, I could be a little bit biased
because when I was growing up,
my father was an English professor.
My father taught English,
and he was a Black history teacher.
-So one thing-- Yeah.
-[audience clapping]
One thing, he stressed
that we knew our Black history.
As a matter of fact,
he'd play little games with us,
just so we could remember.
He'd play little games.
Whenever we would sit at dinner,
he would name all the food
after Black leaders.
So we'd sit there
and he'd say something like,
"Hand me
the Martin Luther King fried chicken."
"Hand me the Harriet Tubman
macaroni and cheese."
"And hand me the Marcus Garvey meatloaf."
My little brother didn't understand
how all the food
was named after Black leaders,
but the refrigerator was still white.
So, when we'd put the food
in the refrigerator,
he'd stand in front of the refrigerator
talking about, "Let my people go."
I'm like, "Nigga, it's over."
Once the food hit the refrigerator,
it's over.
[audience laughing]
But it's true.
Listen, if our history,
if it's important to you now,
teach our children.
Because if we allow America
to teach our children our history,
they gonna fuck it up.
Listen, they gonna fuck it up.
They gonna add shit
that don't belong there.
They gonna mix the stories around.
I can clearly see a little girl
go to her mother in the future
and say something like this.
"So, ma, ma, ma,
is it true that back in the day,
it was an actress
by the name of Jada Pinkett
who refused to move
to the back of the bus?"
"And when she was on the bus, all her
and her girls went and robbed a bank."
"And they shot up the bus,
and everybody died."
[audience laughing]
We'll be sitting there like,
"Hold, hold, hold, hold on."
"I know goddamn well
they ain't put Rosa Parks
in the movie Set It Off."
Yes.
They will fuck it up. They'll fuck it up.
[audience laughing, clapping]
And listen, when you tell your children
about our history,
do not leave out the highlights.
Oh yeah, 'cause Black people,
we got some motherfucking highlights.
Do not leave out the highlights.
Like when Will Smith slapped the shit
out of Chris Rock live on TV.
And I know y'all don't like
to bring that up.
But he slapped the fuck out of Chris Rock.
He slapped him so hard,
he knocked the Fire Stick out of my TV.
I was like, "Oh shit, hold on."
Shit.
[audience laughing, clapping]
And you can't leave out the infamous
Katt Williams, Shannon Sharpe,
Club Shay Shay interview.
Come on now.
Listen, say what you want.
Katt Williams, Shannon Sharpe,
Club Shay Shay interview
shook up the stand-up comedy world.
It shook it up.
Listen, Katt Williams did
a three-hour interview on Shannon Sharpe.
Shannon Sharpe only asked
that motherfucker one question.
"How you doing?"
[audience laughing]
And he went the fuck off.
He went the fuck off.
And it was a sniper situation.
And I say a sniper situation
'cause in the shootout,
more than one person has a gun.
In the shootout, you shoot, I shoot,
you shoot, I shoot, you shoot, I shoot.
But in the sniper situation,
only one motherfucker got a gun.
And Katt Williams
was picking motherfuckers off.
You didn't know who was gonna be next.
First person out the gate
was Steve Harvey.
Ah!
Katt Williams told the whole world
that Steve Harvey had on a hairpiece.
Pow! Shot the wig off that bitch.
[audience laughing]
Then he flipped round and said
he was gonna punch Cedric the Entertainer
in his big, fat belly.
Pow! Shot the belly button
off that motherfucker.
Katt Williams told the whole world
that Ludacris was in the Illuminati
and sucked dick to get in that.
Pow!
Shot the lips off that bitch.
It was brutal.
Listen, he was airing
that motherfucker out.
He talked
about Tiffany Haddish, Kevin Hart,
Michael Blackson,
Faizon Love, you name it.
He was tearing their asses out the front.
And I ain't gonna lie, out of all
the people he talked shit about,
the one person I really felt bad for
was the comedian Earthquake.
Oh!
'Cause Katt Williams told the whole world
that Earthquake couldn't read.
Now, that's some cold-blooded shit.
For you to put a Black man
on the can't-read list, come on now.
Especially, listen,
especially coming from our era.
'Cause first of all, we all vowed
we would be better than our ancestors,
so motherfucker, we know how to read.
And we came up,
most of us came up during the time of
[sings] Conjunction, junction
What's your function?
Motherfucker, we know how to read.
[audience laughing]
But that's some cold-blooded shit for you
to put a Black man on the can't-read list.
Now here's the thing, I don't know
how white people handle shit,
but as a Black person,
when a motherfucker say you can't read,
you got to prove to Black people
that you can read.
That means, everywhere you go,
soon as you hit the door,
you got to start reading.
Soon as you walk in the barbershop,
you stop, you be like, "Refreshments."
"Potato chips, 35 cents."
"Corn chips, 45 cents.
Pretzels, 35 cents."
"Ladies room this way.
Men's room this way."
You got to read.
Get in there
and show motherfuckers you can read.
Any funeral you go to, get on program,
get up there and read
in front of the goddamn people.
[audience whooping]
[chuckles]
And I'm saying this, listen,
'cause it happened to a friend of mine.
Happened to a friend of mine.
Friend of mine ended up going to jail.
Now I'm not sure why he went to jail,
but some kind of way,
while he was in jail,
he fucked around
and got on the can't-read list.
[audience laughing]
He was more upset about being
on the can't-read list than being in jail.
But he could not wait to come home
to prove to everybody that he could read.
The morning of the day he was getting
out of jail, his sister called everybody.
She was like,
"Yo, my brother coming home this evening."
"Why don't we meet up
at the restaurant and surprise him?"
So we showed up
with a cake, balloons, a banner,
[chuckles] bitches had roses,
and surprised him, right?
He walked in the room,
everybody said, "Surprise."
They was high-fiving, giving him hugs.
They was crying and shit.
It was real emotional.
But he wanted to prove
to everybody that he could read.
So he ran over to the table.
He picked up the menu.
He was like, "I'mma order for everybody.
I'mma order for everybody."
[audience laughing, clapping]
I said, "Ooh."
"This gonna be expensive."
Now, the only reason why
I said it's gonna be expensive,
'cause that's how it is in the hood.
In the hood, if you ordered the shit,
that means you paying for the shit.
So I said, "Ooh, this gonna be expensive."
But he didn't give a fuck.
He was determined
to prove to us he could read.
He ran over that bitch
and started ordering shit.
He was like, "Let me get six orders
of chicken quesadillas."
I said, "Now this bitch
jumped out the gate with quesadilla."
[audience laughing]
Now y'all know quesadilla's
a tricky motherfucker, okay?
'Cause first of all,
it don't look the way it sounds.
So bitch, you jazzy
to fuck with quesadilla, all right?
He started off, "Let me get six orders
of chicken quesadilla."
He was like, "Let me get some calamari,
let me get some strawberry daiquiris,
let me get some escargot,
and give me some jambalaya."
Everybody was like, "Ooh."
Only thing about it, bitch,
we was at Pizza Hut.
Wasn't none of that shit on the menu.
[audience clapping]
I grabbed the menu from that motherfucker.
I told the waiter, "Bring us
five pepperoni pizzas to get started."
"And bring this motherfucker
a coloring book
so he can have something to do."
You done set up in jail
and memorized the menu
from the wrong goddamn restaurant.
Ain't no goddamn jambalaya at Pizza Hut.
Shannon was rolling for a minute.
Listen, Shannon Sharpe had this bitch
on lock for a minute.
All till he fucked around and caught a
fucked around
and caught a little sex scandal.
But listen, that's the world
we living in right now.
This culture right here
ain't nothing but scandals.
I'm telling y'all, this culture right now,
these motherfuckers will sign an NDA
and write a book
with the same motherfucking ink pen.
They ain't playing fair out this bitch.
But I like a little sex scandal.
I like when people have
little sex scandals.
When motherfuckers have sex scandals,
you find out what they really like.
See, people look one way on the outside,
but when you find out all
the freaky little shit they really like,
that's what a sex scandal do for you.
Just expose all your freaky little shit.
And I like to play a little game.
Most people look for the person's picture
and be like, "Oh, this what he did."
Mm-mm.
I like to keep the picture for last.
I like to read all the little kinky shit,
then go back and look at the picture.
Read all the little shit they did,
then go back
and turn the page and be like, "Ah."
"This mister like
to sniff the bicycle seats
at the gym when ain't nobody looking."
[audience laughing]
Read all the little nasty shit,
turn the page and be like, "Ah!"
"This the bitch that be pressing her box
up against the zucchinis
in the produce section
when ain't nobody looking."
Listen, I'm a professional at it.
[laughs]
I am.
I like to read all the little details,
and I can tell a little bit
about the victim when I read the details.
Like in the Shannon Sharpe situation,
I was able to tell early that it was
a young girl that he was messing with.
I could tell she was young.
First of all, I knew she wasn't
a grown woman like myself. Come on now.
I'm a full-grown German shepherd
out this bitch.
[audience cheering]
I could tell she was a young girl.
Here's the reason
why I could tell she was a young girl.
'Cause when she was like, when they
was describing the shit she was saying,
she was saying shit like,
"Ooh, I want you to give me a baby."
"I want you to give me
one of them big Black babies."
"I want you to give me a big Black baby."
I was like, "Yeah, this a young girl."
Ain't no grown woman like myself
begging no 56-year-old man
for no goddamn baby.
'Cause we already know what kind of baby
a 56-year-old man gonna give.
[audience laughing]
Fuck on the spectrum,
that bitch going to lick the fence.
They going to lick the fence.
Come on now, you seen them kids
that lick the goddamn fence.
You be sitting out there talking about,
"Junior, you wanted a bike?"
"Ride the goddamn bike."
"I bought you a bike.
You out here licking the fence."
"Stop licking the goddamn fence."
Ain't nothing wrong with Junior.
Junior's daddy just old, that's all.
He an old nut baby. Come on now.
You done seen the old nut babies.
When the young girl fuck around
and have a baby by the sugar daddy.
[laughs]
She named him Brandon.
[audience laughing]
Everybody be like, "I don't know
why the fuck she named that baby Brandon."
"He look just like Mr. James."
Brandon walking around here
with the "my daddy old" face.
This bitch got
a receding hairline back here.
He dressed like an insurance man
in the house vacuuming and shit.
You be begging that bitch to go outside.
"Go outside, Brandon."
"Go outside and play."
Brandon's daddy old.
All the other kids want to go
to Chuck E. Cheese for their birthday.
Brandon wanna go fishing.
[audience laughing]
Goddamn, Brandon's daddy's old.
That's an old nut baby.
Come on now, you seen the old nut baby.
And I know what I'm talking about.
'Cause I'm what you call an old egg.
That's an old egg.
That's when a woman
have your kids later in life.
Listen, the average childbearing years
is 17 to 27.
Anything after that,
you rolling the motherfucking dice.
And when you roll the dice,
you don't know what you gonna get.
Listen, my mother rolled the dice.
I am an old egg.
That's why I can talk about it,
'cause I'm an old egg.
And thank God I came out fine.
-Listen, thank God.
-[audience cheering, clapping]
She rolled the motherfucking dice.
And I came out smart. Listen, as a kid,
I was smart as a motherfucker.
My ABCs, 123s,
they only had to show me one time.
One time, caught it right off.
I was so smart,
they didn't even have to potty train me.
I showed up
with a Pull-Up on, ready to go.
[audience laughing]
Only thing about it,
not only was I smart, but I was strong,
especially up under the arms.
As a kid, I was mustier
than a motherfucker.
I was a full-grown woman
up under the arms.
Bitch, Tussy couldn't hold me.
You remember Tussy.
Tussy was for the funky teenagers.
Bitch, Tussy, I ran through Tussy.
Tussy couldn't fuck with me.
Secret was no secret, bitch.
I took Secret down.
I was seven years old on Right Guard.
And you know, Right Guard was
for construction workers, bitch.
I was on Right Guard.
I had to grow into my underarms.
I remember being outside
turning double dutch.
My friends be like, "Put your arms down!"
[audience laughing]
But Shannon Sharpe, listen,
Shannon's shit was so scandalous,
[chuckles] it made us even forget about
that Kanye went and hollered out
he sucked his cousin's dick
till he was 14.
[audience clapping]
Oh shit, I ain't say it. He said it.
And here's my thing. Here's my thing.
'Cause I understand we in this culture now
where everybody wanna speak their piece,
and "I wanna clear my mind,"
and "I wanna heal,"
and they just wanna tell
their motherfuckin' story.
And it's okay to tell your story,
but you can't bring nobody else
in your goddamn story.
His cousin might not
I don't even know if it's true.
His cousin might not want
no shit like that,
for you to say no shit like that.
Like, for instance, you ever hear somebody
admit to liking or doing some nasty shit?
And then when you call them out on it,
they try to blame it on where they from.
And you happen to be
from the same place they from.
So here's how it go.
They be saying some shit like this.
"You know I was with Brenda
the other night."
"What? Hell yeah, man."
"Me and Brenda was having
a good fucking time."
"Man, Brenda's still wild man."
"Brenda's still wild,
but I turned that bitch out."
You was like, "For real?"
He's like, "Hell yeah."
"I rolled over,
and I started eating her ass."
And you be like, "Ooh."
He be like, "Shit, nigga,
I'm from Detroit, nigga."
"I'm from Detroit, nigga."
You be like, "Detroit ain't got shit
to do with that, bitch."
"My whole family's from Detroit.
Don't nobody in my family eat ass."
"That's your shit.
That ain't got shit to do with Detroit."
"Don't bring me in on that shit."
I like my sense of humor.
-[laughs] I do.
-[woman cheers]
Listen, I have a very wicked
sense of humor. I really do.
And I've been like this all my life.
And because I have
a wicked sense of humor,
it helps me from stressing a lot.
I don't stress a lot.
I really don't. I really don't.
Because of my perspective
and the way I see things.
First of all,
I'm a kind person. I'm a nice person.
-I try to not be a mean-spirited person.
-[audience cheering]
[Sommore] I am.
I am, for the most part.
And then, I'm one of those people,
I always look for the good.
No matter what happens, look for the good.
And when you're looking for the good,
sometimes you just have to be patient.
But if you be patient,
eventually you'll see the good.
I always look for the good.
And then, I'm not afraid
to think outside of the box.
Sometimes people just condition themselves
to focus right here.
I'm one of those people,
I step back and think outside of the box.
So I'm able to see things
from a whole other perspective sometimes.
And it saves me
a lot of times from stress.
Like, for instance, there was a situation
that happened in Jacksonville, Florida.
A crazy man ran up in a Dollar Store,
shot up the Dollar Store.
Five people died.
It was tragic.
It was all on CNN, all on the local news.
The victims' family was posting pictures
of them on Facebook and Instagram.
"Gone too soon."
"Rest in peace."
I called all my family members that night.
And first of all,
I told them that I loved them.
And then I told them, I said, "Listen,
if I should ever happen to die
or get killed at the Dollar Store,
don't put my motherfucking picture
in the paper
and tell people I died
at the goddamn Dollar Store."
"Come on now. Bitch,
lie and say it was CVS or something."
"You don't tell nobody I died
at the goddamn Dollar Store."
"Bitch, all the shit
I've accomplished in life,
you gonna put Dollar Tree on me, bitch?
Come on."
[audience laughing, clapping]
"Name the Plaza. You don't tell nobody
I died at the goddamn Dollar Store."
And I'm telling you this
because you really gotta
tell your relative shit like this.
I'm telling you,
you'll be laying in your casket.
You'll be laying in your casket.
Somebody will be reading your obituary.
They'll be doing good
till they get all the way down to the end
and say some goofy shit.
They'll say, "Well, one thing about her,
she loved the Dollar Store."
You will sit right up in your casket like,
"Who the fuck told you
to say some bullshit like that?"
"Don't tell nobody no shit like that."
'Cause here's the truth
about the Dollar Store.
We fuck with the Dollar Store.
We all fuck with it,
but it ain't your shit.
It ain't your shit.
You fuck with it, but it ain't your shit.
And here's how you know
it ain't your shit.
Whenever you're in the Dollar Store,
you're never 100% comfortable.
You always keep your head on a swivel,
looking for somebody you know.
Soon as you see somebody you know,
after you speak,
you immediately state why you in there.
You be like, "What's up, Tammy?
How you doing, baby? Good to see you."
"I'm just in here
getting my aunt a birthday card."
"How your mom doing?
Tell your mom I said hi."
That's right.
'Cause you fuck with it,
but this ain't your shit.
Here's how you really know
it ain't your shit.
No matter what you buy, never get a cart.
I'll be at the register,
arms full of shit.
I refuse to get a cart.
'Cause you get a cart,
that mean this your shit.
This your shit.
This your shit.
This what you do.
[audience clapping, laughing]
I refuse to get a cart.
You ever notice
You ever notice
you don't see couples in the Dollar Store?
You go in that bitch one at a time.
Your husband be like, "You go on in."
"I'mma sit in the car
and wait on you to come out."
You don't never want to be seen
on no goddamn date at the Dollar Store.
And here's rule number one
of going to the Dollar Store.
Whenever you talk about
what you did that day,
you never mention the Dollar Store.
[audience laughing]
People be like, "What you do today?"
"Oh, bitch, I've been busy all day."
"Had to take my grandmother
to choir rehearsal,
pick my daughter up,
go to cheerleading practice,
take the dog to the vet,
go to the laundry,
pick up the laundry and shit."
They be like, "Really? 'Cause Tammy said
she's seen you in the Dollar Store."
Ah! Type shit, type shit, yeah.
"Had to go get my aunt
a birthday card real quick, you know?"
But you don't bring that shit up.
You gotta know how to move
out in these streets.
You gotta know how to move.
'Cause here's the one thing I can tell you
and promise you about life.
Life is very humbling.
Very humbling.
And if it hasn't humbled you yet,
just wait.
Listen, the Bible speaks about it.
The Bible say we will all be humbled.
All heads will bow,
and all knees will bend to Him.
We will all be humbled.
[audience clapping]
Life is very humbling.
You know how much Sean John shit
is at the Goodwill right now?
[audience laughing]
Homeless people won't even wear that shit.
I seen a homeless man throw a jacket
way across the room.
He was like, "Nah, take that,
take that, take that, take that."
Y'all know that was a good fucking joke
there. Y'all bullshitting right there.
That was, listen
[audience cheering]
Life is very humbling.
Here's the thing, the fact
that Puffy has billions of dollars
and can't get a bond or a bail.
Listen, Puffy is in the middle
of a scary movie
called The Ghost of Pussy Past.
[audience laughing]
Now here's the thing.
I'm not defending what he did,
I'm not justifying what he did,
but I just want y'all to do me one favor.
Think outside of the box
just a little bit.
What if a motherfucker was judging you
on some shit you did back in the day?
Let's take the '80s.
What if a motherfucker was judging you
on some shit you did in the '80s?
First of all,
we was all different in the '80s.
Life was different in the '80s.
The rules was different in the '80s.
If you describe some of the shit
we was doing in the '80s,
if you describe that shit right now,
it don't sound right.
It don't sound right.
I'm talking about little shit.
Like, describe bobbing for apples.
The game we played at birthday parties.
Describe that shit today.
You'd be like,
"Okay, so let me get this right."
"Y'all took kids,
blindfolded them,
tied their hands behind their back,
had them stick their head
in a bucket of nasty-ass water,
for an apple?"
Yeah.
That shit don't sound right.
And you know that shit don't sound right.
If your grandbaby came home tomorrow
and was like,
"I was over Jennifer's house,
and we were playing a game,
and they tied my hands behind my back,"
you'd be like,
"What kind of fucking game was that?"
"You don't tie kids' hands
behind they back."
That's the shit we was doing.
Come on now.
Some of the shit we was doing,
if you listen to that shit today,
it don't sound right.
Describe Pin the Tail on the Donkey.
Okay, so let me get this right.
Y'all took kids, blindfolded 'em,
spin 'em around and got 'em dizzy.
Then told 'em, "Find the ass
in the room, find the ass."
Yeah, y'all motherfuckers going to
[audience clapping, cheering]
You know that shit don't sound right.
[audience laughing]
Y'all remember the '80s.
Life was different in the '80s.
You remember the '80s,
your mom had that Cutlass
with no power steering.
She made that left turn
with all her motherfucking might.
You was so light in the ass,
every time she made a left turn,
you slid all the way to the edge
of the goddamn seat.
And you slid
'cause you ain't had no seatbelt on.
Come on now, it's the '80s.
We was riding dirty in the '80s.
You ain't had no goddamn seatbelt on.
Listen, we was brought up rough.
In the '80s, your mother would smoke
a whole pack of cigarettes,
roll the windows up,
and smoke that bitch with you in the car.
[audience laughing]
She smoked, and you smoked too.
She didn't give a fuck about your lungs.
Bitch, this was the '80s.
That's why I look at some
of the luxuries we have today,
and it's hard to complain.
Like, do you realize we have apps
like Spotify and Apple Music and YouTube,
where you can go to any song
from any genre and play it instantly?
See, I remember the '80s,
when you was in your room
and you called the radio station
five times in a row,
begging the bitch
to play the "Double Dutch Bus."
You were like, "Bitches, you gonna play
the song or not? 'Cause I got shit to do."
[audience laughing]
Nowadays, if you call a bitch
five times in a row,
you going to jail for stalking.
Life was different.
And y'all know life was different.
Ladies, life was different.
Y'all remember in the '80s,
when you took a bath or took a shower,
to prove that you was fresh and clean,
you put baby powder all on your chest.
You put that shit all up to your neck.
I wish the fuck you'd put some baby powder
on yourself and go outside right now.
I tell you,
they'll call the CDC on your ass.
-[audience laughing]
-"Yeah, we got a lady out here."
"I'm not sure if it's anthrax, cocaine,
fentanyl, Carpet Fresh."
"Somebody needs to come
check it out though."
"All right, thank you."
Life was different.
So for a motherfucker
to judge you on some shit
you were doing back in the day,
shit was different.
I ain't lying.
Listen, I had a scare this year.
I had a scare.
I am a graduate of Morris Brown College
in Atlanta, Georgia.
[cheering]
This year, they came out
with a documentary about Freaknik.
Friend of mine called me like,
"Girl, you heard that?"
"They coming out
with a documentary about Freaknik."
First thing I said was,
"Where they getting the footage from?"
[audience laughing]
She was like, "Oh,
they just telling people to send it in."
I'm sitting there like, "Shit."
I'm wondering
if people gonna be able to see that's me
with no eyebrows and shit, you know.
You know,
life was different back then, you know.
So I had really forgotten about it.
And my dude came to me one day.
He was like, "Yeah, you know, I heard
a documentary coming out about Freaknik."
"It came out It's coming out this week."
"We gonna watch it on Friday."
I said, "Bitch,
I'm gonna watch it on Wednesday
to see if we gonna watch it on Friday."
That's right.
And I'm one of those people, listen
I try to keep up with the new shit,
and I'm impressed.
I'm impressed,
and a lot of shit motivates me.
I get motivated
by seeing people's success.
Sometimes when you see
other people's success,
you can't take it as your failure.
People do that a lot of time.
Other people's success is not a picture
of your failure. You know what I'm saying?
I like the fact that we have
more female rappers now than ever before.
-I do.
-[audience cheering]
Oh, I love the female rappers.
-We got Kash Doll, Nicki Minaj.
-[woman whoops]
-We got Cardi B and GloRilla.
-[audience cheering, clapping]
Goddamn, I like Glo.
I like Lil Glo.
I heard GloRilla say something,
I swear to y'all,
changed my outlook and perspective
on some things in life.
So GloRilla is straight out
of Memphis, Tennessee.
So when she speaks,
she has a strong southern accent.
So they're doing an interview,
and the man asked GloRilla,
"Well, how do you like being famous?"
She be like, "I ain't gonna lie.
It's a little hard being famous."
"It's a little hard being famous."
The man said, "Well, what's so hard
about being famous?"
She be like, "Well, because my fans
be bullying me online."
He said, "Your fans bully you?"
She said, "Yeah, my fans
be bullying me online."
She said, "They be making fun
of my funny-looking little body
and my big-ass nose, but I let them know,
y'all mind will get used to keep seeing
this funny-looking little body
and this big-ass nose,
'cause I'm gonna keep making hits
and I'm gonna keep getting money."
"And at the end of the day,
pussy still good."
[audience laughing, clapping]
And I was like, "What the fuck
did pussy have to do with that?"
Like, I was confused.
And it wasn't until I backed up,
stepped outside of the box,
looked at it in a whole 'nother way,
then this is how I heard it.
First of all, you gotta understand,
sometimes in life,
people are not gonna see you
the way you see yourself.
And that was one of the hardest lessons
I ever had to learn in my life.
Sometimes people just not gonna see you
the way you see yourself.
And always cheer for yourself.
I don't give a fuck.
Always cheer for yourself.
[audience cheering]
Always.
People ask me,
"Who are your top five comedians?"
I say, "Well, three of them is Sommore."
And two of them
look just like her, you know.
[cheering continues]
But always cheer for yourself.
So when I said that, I listened to Cardi.
I listened, go back,
and listened to GloRilla thing again.
So this is what I heard this time.
"You might not like
my funny-looking little body
or my big-ass nose,
but I'm going to keep making hits,
and I'm going to keep getting money."
"And at the end of the day, if none
of this shit don't work, guess what?"
"Pussy still good."
[audience cheering]
I said, "This bitch just gave
her pussy a shout-out."
[audience laughing]
She gave her pussy a shout-out.
I went home and changed the password
to all my shit to "Pussy still good."
[audience clapping, whooping]
That's right.
If that don't motivate you,
no matter what happens in life,
pussy still good.
Understand that.
Understand that.
And I know some women
Listen, y'all would never use it.
You're too dignified to use it.
But I can show you
where you can use it [chuckles]
on the simplest terms.
Let's say you got a doctor's appointment.
You got a doctor's appointment
at one o'clock.
You get there early.
You get there at 12:30.
The little girl don't call you to the back
till five after one.
She don't come in there
to take your blood pressure
till quarter after one.
She walk in that bitch
like ain't nothing wrong.
She ain't even apologizing for being late.
She throws the cuff on you
and start pumping.
[huffing]
She look at you, she say,
"Mm, your blood pressure a little high."
You look at her and say,
"It was fine at one o'clock."
[audience laughing]
Listen, don't let this little girl
fuck your day up.
Now you know you've been watching
your sodium intake.
You know you've been doing
your 10,000 steps a day.
You know you've been drinking your water.
When she tries to tell you
your blood pressure high,
this is exactly what I want you to do.
I want you to look down,
look away,
look her dead in the face and say,
"At the end of the day"
-"Pussy still good."
-[audience] Pussy still good.
Pressure high, but pussy good.
[cheering]
That's right.
I can tell you one better than that.
Better than that. Better than that.
Let's say you go to the bank.
Let's say you go to the bank.
You doing a little deposit.
You doing a little deposit.
You slide the check up under the window.
You don't even ask for the balance
'cause you know where you at.
You already know.
She take it upon herself
to write your balance down.
She slide the shit back to you.
You look down. It's a little light.
It's a little light.
It's a little light.
Don't let this fuck up your day.
Don't let this fuck up your day.
This is exactly what I want you to do.
I want you to look down, look away,
pick that paper up
and ball it right up in her face
and say,
"At the end of the day, pussy still good."
Bitch, pussy still good.
I'm one of those people,
I used to think that
laughter was the best medicine,
all until Ozempic came out.
Shit, Ozempic is the shit.
Ozempic is the shit.
Have you seen Oprah?
Bitch, Oprah is a size eight.
And everybody that know Oprah, know Oprah
been a 20 all her motherfucking life.
Strong 20.
Oprah is an eight.
And she look good.
Goddamn, she look good.
And here's the thing.
Here's why I'm so happy for her.
Because all the money that Oprah has,
she's been in the struggle.
She's just like me and you. You listen.
She's been in the struggle.
She's been in the struggle.
Oprah struggled so much with her weight,
she joined Weight Watchers.
She joined Weight Watchers.
Joined Weight Watchers,
invested money in the company,
became the face of the company,
became the spokesperson of the company,
all until Ozempic came out.
Ozempic came out,
Oprah took three shots of Ozempic,
and broke up with them bitches on Twitter.
She ain't even go to the meeting.
She tweeted them hoes,
"I'm out."
[audience laughing]
She look good.
Listen, and Oprah outside, outside.
She ain't never been outside like this.
Never.
But now Oprah at parties turnt up.
Listen, she gave
a whole big shout-out to Ozempic.
Listen, Ozempic is a bad motherfucker,
and it works fast.
You take that shit, you be skinny
and your shadow's still fat.
[audience laughing]
But you gotta go to Oprah's page
to see what I'm talking about.
She's an eight now, and she looks good.
What I like about it is
she ain't got that old sloppy weight.
Like, you know some people had
that "I used to be fat" look? Mm-mm.
Oprah has a total makeover.
I'm talking about head to toe.
All her shit is brand-fucking-new.
She has this video on her page.
She has on this purple dress.
And she walking down the hallway,
and they slow the video down
so she in slow motion when she walking.
I had to zoom in.
I said, "Goddamn, look at Oprah."
And every time she step, her hair bounce.
I'm like, "Look at Oprah.
Hair from Brazil."
"The titties is from Cuba."
"The ass is from the Dominican Republic,
but them feet still from Mississippi."
[audience laughing]
I tell you, she going down that hallway,
I'm like, "Oprah,
you got to get new feet, baby."
You can't put all that hot-girl shit
on them country-ass feet.
They got to get new feet.
And here's the thing. Here's the thing.
Why do women do that?
Why do we go out
and get all brand-new shit?
Head to toe, top to bottom.
New glasses, new teeth,
new titties, flat stomach, bigger ass.
Get all that shit, go somewhere,
and your feet hurt.
Why you just don't get new feet?
Who gonna be the first bitch
to get new feet?
I'mma be the first bitch to get new feet.
I'mma show up at a party.
Y'all gonna be all sitting down
'cause your feet hurt.
I'mma hit the room
and hit the stage like this. "Ah!"
[audience laughing]
Y'all gonna be sitting there like,
"You know them feet ain't real."
"You know that bitch had her feet done."
But I'm happy for Oprah.
And she humble, listen, Oprah is humble.
Y'all know how much
motherfucking money Oprah has?
You know you humble,
you got all that fucking money
and you still wear glasses.
Bitch, that's humbler than a motherfucker.
'Cause if I had half of Oprah money,
I'd have x-ray vision on y'all asses.
You walk up to me, I'd be like,
"I see you had pizza for lunch."
[audience laughing]
But Oprah looks good, she really does.
To be honest with y'all,
I'm worried about Stedman.
Listen, her long-time boyfriend.
Stedman been hanging in there.
And you know, any man in here been with
a woman that struggles with her weight,
you know how emotional we are,
and sensitive about our weight.
When we going through
our self-esteem shit,
our emotions go up and down.
So Stedman go through it
when he dealing with Oprah.
And any man know, any woman
that go from a 20 to an eight
is a totally different woman. Come on now.
Mentally, that's a whole 'nother woman.
Life is just different
at an eight and a 20.
First of all,
you can make love to an eight.
You got to fuck a 20.
-[audience laughing]
-Bitch, you got to get up under a 20.
You can't be bullshitting
with no goddamn 20.
You end up on your back with your legs up
fucking with a 20 like, "Hold on now."
"Put my leg down."
"I'm a man. Put my leg down."
You can't be bullshitting with no 20.
Fucking a 20 is like a banjo, bitch.
You can't bullshit with a banjo.
If you can't play that bitch,
you can't pull it out.
[audience clapping]
There's people out here
going through real shit.
People going through real shit.
I got a girlfriend of mine right now
going through some real shit.
Girlfriend of mine was married
for 21 years to the love of her life.
He had a car accident, and unfortunately,
he died right there at the scene.
Died right there at the scene.
And she was devastated,
which was expected, her to be devastated.
But she vowed to everybody that night.
She said, "Listen, I am going to give him
the most memorable home-going ceremony
this city has ever seen."
She said, "No expense will be spared.
I'm going all out."
Let me tell y'all something. She rented
out the biggest cathedral in the city.
She hired a mass choir
to sing at the ceremony.
She hired Yolanda Adams
to lead the mass choir.
She hired Kirk Franklin
to lead Yolanda Adams.
[audience whooping]
All out.
[chuckles]
She had a custom-made casket.
It was all white with a glass top.
She had him a custom-made tuxedo,
all white, with a gold stripe up the side.
She was gonna have a 21-gun salute
at the gravesite.
She was gonna release 21 doves
to commemorate all the 21 years
they've been together.
She was gonna have 21 dozens
of white roses to line the church.
She wanted praise dancers
to dance all up and down the aisle.
She wanted all the congregation
to wear all white.
She had all this shit planned out
until she fucked around
and needed some information
for the insurance policy.
[audience exclaiming]
She took his phone down to T-Mobile,
and T-Mobile unlocked his phone.
Very bad.
Very bad.
T-Mobile
unlocked his phone.
First of all, she found out
he had an outside baby
that was seven years old.
She found out a girl he swore
was his cousin, wasn't his cousin at all.
She found naked pictures
of women all in the phone
where he had been sexting
and texting with women.
She found three dick pictures.
Two of them wasn't his.
[audience exclaiming]
She found out he wasn't even a Scorpio.
He was really a Gemini.
[Sommore laughs]
Let me tell y'all something.
She downgraded
this whole motherfucking funeral.
She called everybody and said,
"The funeral is off."
She buried this man
in a Temu jogging suit.
[audience laughing]
With some no-name tennis shoes.
She ain't even get him a haircut.
She ain't even get him a taper.
She put glasses on him.
He ain't even wear glasses.
She put the glasses on him and said,
"Look what the fuck you made me do."
[audience laughing]
She spelled his name wrong
on the obituary.
She spelled "fuck nigga" with two Ks.
She had the funeral service over Zoom,
but ain't give nobody the link.
He was laying in that bitch,
no haircut, with shades on by hisself.
So,
so
Of course, I couldn't go to the service
'cause I was flying out that day.
But I told her, I said,
"When I get back to town,
we gonna go to lunch."
Y'all, I sat there with my friend
and she cried.
She cried for 20 minutes,
and I cried with her.
She said,
"Girl, I'm just so fucking embarrassed."
"This man had all this shit
going on in this city,
and everybody knew except for me."
I said, "Well, look at it this way."
"He loved you enough
that he respected you,
that he kept it from you."
"Okay, he did what he did,
but he kept it from you."
She said, "I know you're trying to make me
feel good 'cause you my friend."
She said, "But the truth of the matter is
I was married to a man who wasn't shit."
I said, "No. Now, he was a good man,
he wasn't a perfect man,
'cause I seen him treat you good."
"So he was a good man,
he wasn't a perfect man."
Now me, trying to find the good,
think outside the box,
I said, "Now T-Mobile,
T-Mobile ain't shit."
[audience laughing]
'Cause T-Mobile ain't had that shit to do.
Metro PCS would've never unlocked
that motherfucker's phone.
Dicks could've been falling
all out the screen,
they wouldn't unlock that goddamn phone.
T-Mobile ain't shit.
[chuckles]
I said, "So what you gonna do?
I know you're embarrassed."
"You gonna move?" She said, "No."
She said, "Financially, he left me good."
She said,
"I had double indemnity insurance on him,
meaning if he died in an accident,
I got double the money."
"So financially, I'm good."
She said, "As a matter of fact,
I'm gonna take an early retirement,
open up me a little boutique
just to give me something to do."
I said, "So you're not gonna move?"
She said, "Mm-mm. I'mma stay here.
I'mma stay here and live my life."
"I might even get married again."
I said, "Are you serious?"
She said, "Hell yeah."
"'Cause at the end of the day"
[Sommore, audience] Pussy still good.
-Y'all, my name is Sommore.
-[audience cheering]
Thank y'all for coming.
I appreciate y'all.
Thank y'all.
["Chandelier Fly"
by Bigg D and Cory Irvin playing]
Thank y'all.
Appreciate it.
Chandelier fly
Oh my
Chandelier fly
Chandelier fly
Oh my, oh my
[horns honking]
[instrumental hip-hop music playing]
[Sommore] There's a rhythm in Detroit,
been there forever.
Back when jazz
spilled into the streets at 2:00 a.m.
When Motown's heartbeat was Berry,
Stevie, Aretha, Marvin, Diana,
and The Supremes.
That rhythm, it never left.
And that's fly.
For me, "fly" is unapologetic
and needs no endorsement.
It's chandelier bright
and chandelier strong.
First time I touched Detroit was '78.
I was a kid on a visit.
Now, I'm a woman on a mission.
Detroit, I'm back.
I am Sommore, and this is Chandelier Fly.
[audience cheering]
[upbeat music playing]
Detroit!
What up, though?
Loving this.
I am absolutely loving it!
Man, y'all giving me some love.
I love that.
Yeah.
Love this.
I like that. Thank y'all.
Yes.
Listen, y'all giving me that real love.
Y'all giving me
that Frankie Beverly love out here.
I like that.
Yes, indeed.
Listen, I personally think that
Frankie Beverly's song "Before I Let Go"
should be the new Black national anthem.
I do.
Whenever 50 or more
Black people get together,
we should have to sing that shit.
That's right,
and for the white people in the house
that don't understand
what I'm talking about,
"Before I Let Go" by Frankie Beverly is
equivalent to y'all's "Sweet Caroline."
[laughing]
[woman whoops]
Y'all giving me
the Frankie Beverly love out here.
-This is Yeah!
-[cheering]
And you gotta admit, listen,
Frankie was a vibe.
Frankie was a whole vibe.
And Black people
all over the country love Frankie Beverly.
We love Frankie so much,
we knew two years
before Frankie passed that he wasn't 100%.
But we still went to the show
and sang all the songs for Frankie.
[audience clapping]
You laid out your white shit,
you went to the show,
and sang the damn songs.
Keep it real, we gave Frankie Beverly
the Luther Vandross pass.
That's right.
Let me tell you something,
Black people love Luther Vandross.
It ain't a motherfucker in here over 40
that would admit that Luther was gay.
[audience laughing]
Luther could show up
in concert in a full gown.
We'd be sitting in that bitch like,
"They must've lost his luggage
at the airport."
We'd never admit that Luther was gay.
Even if somebody pressed it, we'd be like,
"What the fuck that got to do with it?"
See, Black love, you defend Black love.
Listen, when you love Black artists,
you defend that shit.
Like one time,
I had to defend Usher's outfit.
Usher did a show.
Usher showed up with a blouse, a brooch,
and some church lady gloves on.
[audience laughing]
And I was fucked up.
I ain't gonna lie, I was fucked up.
First of all, I'm old enough
to know the difference
between a shirt and a blouse.
Usher had on a motherfucking blouse.
[clears throat] And I was fucked up.
And here's the thing,
it really wasn't a blouse.
'Cause I think
I seen Al Green once or twice
with a blouse on back in the day.
But it was the blouse, the brooch,
and the church lady glove combination
that had me fucked up.
I'm sitting there like,
"Why the fuck is Usher
dressed like one of the Golden Girls?"
What the fuck is going on?
And here's the thing, I love Usher.
Never ever for one day ever,
still to this day,
do I ever think that Usher was gay.
But whoever picked out that blouse
is gay as a bitch.
[audience laughing]
'Cause you ain't never seen
no homeboy say no shit like this.
"Nigga go with the blouse."
[audience laughing]
Ain't no homeboy suggesting no blouse.
But Usher had on a motherfucking blouse.
And I'mma tell you why I defended it.
'Cause I personally think
that Usher is
our modern day Billy Dee Williams.
I do. Listen,
y'all remember Billy Dee Williams?
Listen, I'm looking around the room.
Most of the people here are
old enough to know
who the fuck Billy Dee Williams is.
[audience cheering, clapping]
And my grandmother and my mother
love some Billy Dee Williams.
Listen, Billy Dee Williams
was the most smooth, charismatic Black man
on TV you ever wanna see.
-His skin was cocoa brown.
-[woman] Yes!
He had a voice
was deep and sexy and smooth.
He had an Afro,
that bitch was dry, but it was wet,
but it was curly at the same goddamn time.
[audience cheering]
We had never seen no shit like that.
-Billy Dee Williams was the shit.
-[woman] Yeah!
And as smooth as Billy Dee Williams was,
you would think
that he would be the face of like a
cognac or brandy or champagne.
But Billy Dee Williams was the face
of some of the cheapest shit
you could buy.
[audience laughing]
Colt 45.
Malt liquor.
If you drink that shit hot,
you'll fight everybody in this bitch.
[laughs]
And my grandmother loved him.
And because my grandmother loved him,
my granddaddy couldn't stand his ass.
My granddaddy didn't like him so much,
he only drank half a can
and threw the rest of the shit away.
Like, "Fuck that man."
But that's how I look at Usher,
like our Billy Dee Williams.
And we give him love.
Listen, we give him Black love.
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been doing
stand-up comedy for over 30 years.
-Yes, 30 years.
-[audience cheering]
I get love.
Let me tell you something.
I know what Black love is.
I travel this country,
and Black people love me.
When I tell you Black people love me,
they love me. They really do.
-[audience whooping]
-[chuckling]
I don't care what city I'm in,
if I'm in the hood
and I go to any McDonald's
and they know it's me,
oh, they gonna put a Filet-O-Fish
in the bag, bitch.
They gonna up the nuggets
and throw a Filet-O-Fish in the bag.
That's just what it is. That's what it is.
I'm telling y'all.
Y'all should see when them kids see me.
They lose their motherfucking mind.
They be like, "My mama love you."
"My mama love you."
"My mama love you.
You want a pie? You want a pie?"
I'm like, "Don't lose your job
over no apple pie, nigga, now."
"Don't get McFired
in this bitch showing off."
But I, listen, I know what Black love is.
I really do.
But I learned something.
I learned that
when it comes to Black people
See, not only do we love hard,
but we love you so hard,
even when you transcend,
we love you even more.
But I learned something with Black people.
I learned that you can die
at the wrong time.
Oh, yeah, you can fuck around
and die at the wrong time.
Look what happened to Tito Jackson.
[audience laughing]
Tito Jackson died right after Frankie
and right before Puffy got locked up.
You ain't seen shit about Tito's funeral.
You ain't seen no pictures of the repast.
You ain't seen Katherine
broke down crying.
You ain't seen Janet in all black.
Motherfuckers try to act like
they ain't even know who Tito was.
[audience laughing]
The morning Tito died,
I went to my little cousin.
I was like, "Yo, Tito died this morning."
My little cousin was like,
"Oh no, not the dog from The Wiz."
I said, "Bitch, that's Toto."
"I'm talking about Tito.
Tito, Michael's brother. Tito."
She was like
She didn't even know
Michael had a brother.
I said, "Goddamn,
Tito died at the wrong time."
Then I went to my uncle,
and I know he old enough
to know who the fuck Tito is.
I was like,
"Dude, we lost Tito this morning."
He was like, "I'mma be honest with you.
I'm more of a Grey Goose man myself.
"I don't really fuck with Tito like that."
I'm like, "Nigga, Tito,
Marlon, Jermaine, jumpsuits, afro."
"Nigga, you know who the fuck Tito is."
I said, "Goddamn,
Tito died at the wrong time."
[chuckles]
Know who else died at the wrong time?
Farrah Fawcett Majors, the actress.
Farrah Fawcett Majors died
the same day as Michael Jackson.
Come on, bitch,
now you know you can't fuck with Mike.
You should've held on
one more day, bitch, come on.
You was already an angel.
You was one of Charlie's angels.
Just hold on one more day.
She died the same day as Michael Jackson.
They say they couldn't even find
a funeral home to take the body.
Say people was answering the phone like,
"Farrah who?"
"Beat it, bitch, we waiting on
Mike people to call. Get off our phone."
Listen, death is inevitable,
and we will all leave here one day.
And we should all wish
for a smooth transition.
But I'mma keep it real.
One of the smoothest people
I ever seen leave this bitch
was OJ Simpson.
Let me tell you--
Some of y'all looking like, "OJ died?"
Listen, OJ left this bitch smooth.
I ain't never seen nobody
leave this bitch smooth like OJ.
So here's how it went down.
Two weeks before OJ passed,
it was a rumor out
that OJ had cancer and he was in hospice.
That motherfucker went live.
OJ went live from a golf course.
He logged in on Instagram.
He was like, "Hey, hey, hey."
"What's this shit I hear about
people saying I'm sick
and I'm in hospice?"
"I'm out here on the golf course
having a great game."
That motherfucker logged off Instagram
and was dead
before that shit hit Facebook.
I said, "Goddamn, he was gone. Smooth."
[audience laughing]
Yeah.
Gone.
[chuckles] I'm one of those people,
I try to keep up with all the latest shit.
I really do.
I try to keep up with all the latest shit.
But some of it I missed.
I'm ashamed to say
that I am probably one of the only people
who did not get any
of the subliminal messages
in Kendrick Lamar's
halftime Super Bowl performance.
Listen, I ain't gonna lie to y'all,
I didn't get none of that shit.
None of it.
And I'mma keep it real with y'all.
He fucked me up at the outfit.
That motherfucker came out,
he had bell-bottom hip-huggers
with a dick print in the front.
[audience laughing]
I was confused like a motherfucker.
Like, "What?"
And I ain't know Kendrick was that thick.
I ain't have my glasses on.
I thought it was Stephanie Mills at first.
I'm like, "Goddamn."
"I ain't know Stephanie Mills
was on the goddamn show."
[audience cheering]
By the time I went and got my glasses
and came back, all that shit was over.
I was like, "Fuck it."
I missed the shit.
Y'all ain't know Kendrick was that thick.
I ain't know
Kendrick was that goddamn thick.
[laughing]
And the young people,
listen, the young people was mad.
They was mad 'cause you know
they took that shit serious.
My little cousin's like,
"You ain't get none of the subliminals?"
Listen, the young people
dissected that shit,
analyzed that shit, broke it down,
got all the subliminal messages.
I'm like, "Y'all did all that shit,
but skimmed over Project 2025, though."
[audience clapping]
Didn't read none of that shit.
[man whooping]
And here we are.
Trump 2.5.
Oh, Trump running this bitch.
Trump running this bitch.
And one thing I can tell y'all,
he doing everything
he said he was gonna do.
He doing everything
he said he was gonna do.
What did Trump say
he was going to do day one?
Trump, day one, Trump said,
"If you are not a citizen
of the United States of America,
you getting the fuck up out of here."
I don't know if y'all paying attention,
but guess what?
They getting the fuck up out of here.
Oh, bitch,
they getting the fuck up out of here.
And if I was you,
I'd keep my birth certificate on me.
[audience laughing, clapping]
But they ain't moving anybody.
They moving everybody out this bitch.
And women,
I don't know why y'all walk around here
still with all this international hair.
You gonna be at the border
trying to explain that shit to somebody.
"No, I'm American. The hair is Malaysian."
"I'm not Malaysian."
"The hair is Malaysian.
I'm-- I'm from America."
"Wait, call my mama."
"Mom, you need to bring my receipt."
"Come down" Shit.
Ain't no time to be fucking around
with that right now.
Bitch, I won't even wear a bang right now
'cause that's Chinese.
I'm like, "Uh-uh, bitch.
Just give me forehead right now, aight?"
Ain't no time
to be fucking around out here.
What I'm trying to tell y'all,
this might be y'all's last month
getting a manicure pedicure.
You might be doing them bitches
yourself next month.
Sitting at home like back in the day.
[audience laughing, clapping]
Oh, they getting the fuck up out of here.
And what else Trump say?
What else he said?
Trump said in the next four years,
we will only acknowledge two genders.
That's male and female.
All that other shit
we were doing in between, uh-uh.
Trump said we building a wall
and a closet.
You gonna get your ass
back in the goddamn closet.
Oh yeah.
Get your ass back in the goddamn closet.
And I got a cousin that's a dyke.
I'm talking about a dyke dyke,
a real dyke.
With a dick with a dyke.
I said, "Bitch, you better get you
a ponytail and some wedges
and blend in with us
till this shit die down."
[audience laughing]
Ain't no time to be showing out right now.
This is real shit.
Listen, this is
what stand-up comedy is all about.
You talk about real shit.
And sometimes the shit be so bad,
you gotta laugh to get to the other side.
I'm serious.
-[audience cheering, clapping]
-You gotta laugh to get to the other side.
I've never been a political person.
I never used to even care about politics.
But I'm paying attention now.
Oh, bitch, I'm paying attention.
I even watched the inauguration.
I ain't know we was boycotting the shit.
I ain't know Black pe--
My cousin was like,
"Bitch, you wasn't supposed to watch."
Well, ain't nobody tell me not to watch.
I ended up watching the inauguration.
And I'mma tell you some weird shit.
I thought it was weird.
They had eight prayers
during the inauguration.
They prayed eight times.
Trump didn't close his eyes not one time.
He was praying just like this
on every prayer.
[audience laughing]
He ain't close his eyes not one time.
But I don't blame him.
'Cause if a bitch tried to kill me
two times in one year,
I ain't closing my eyes in public either.
[laughs]
And I'mma keep it real with y'all.
One of the reasons I really tuned in
was to see what Melania was gonna have on.
'Cause come on now,
Melania be sharp as a motherfucker.
Oh, she do that. Oh, she do that shit.
She do that.
And she did not disappoint.
Melania sat in that bitch
with her hat down this low.
This bitch sat there for three hours.
I said,
"This bitch high as a motherfucker."
-Come on now.
-[audience laughing]
Would you just sit somewhere
with a hat this low for three hours?
She didn't look left.
She didn't look right.
Trump tried to kiss that bitch.
She leaned up and sat back.
I said, "Yeah,
she high as a motherfucker."
Michelle didn't show up,
and everybody went off.
They was like,
"Ooh, Michelle didn't even show up."
"Michelle didn't even show up."
I didn't think it was a big deal
that Michelle didn't show up.
I'mma tell you
what I thought was shocking.
I was shocked
she let Barack go by his self.
'Cause let's be clear,
Barack is fine as a motherfucker.
And bitches be at Barack.
[audience laughing]
And what I was really shocked about is
usually you don't see bow-legged niggas
out by they self after 8:00.
Come on now, women know bow-legged niggas
don't be out by they self after 8:00.
Knock-kneed niggas be everywhere.
They be all over your shit in the club.
Goddamn, get the fuck off.
"Know what I'm sayin', what I'm sayin'"
"Nigga, no."
[audience laughing]
But you don't see bow-legged niggas
out by they self after 8:00.
So I was shocked.
Now look at knock-kneed niggas,
they done got mad.
They sitting here like,
"Don't knock it till you try."
But listen, Trump say he changing shit up.
And we don't know if it's gonna work.
We don't know
if it's for the best or worst.
We just riding this shit out.
Trump changing up all kind of shit.
Motherfucker trying to--
He getting rid of Section 8.
Motherfucker-- Yeah. Section 8.
Medicare.
[audience laughing, clapping]
Might get rid of Social Security.
Trump done went as so far to say next year
he getting rid of daylight savings.
Bitch, it's gonna be dark
at 3:30 next year.
Done.
Done with it.
And here's the thing,
he don't even wanna be president.
He really wanna be king of this bitch.
He do.
He really wanna be king.
He trying shit
that has never been done before.
Trump told them motherfuckers,
"I want my picture on a $200 bill."
They was like, "Uh, Mr. President,
there is no $200 bill."
He said, "We gonna make a $200 bill,
and we gonna put my picture
on the motherfucker."
They said, "Well, Mr. President,
only deceased presidents are on currency."
I said, "Don't stop him. Let him cook."
"Let him cook. Let him cook."
"Let him cook."
[laughs]
'Cause he doing shit
we ain't never seen before.
And listen, we laughing, but listen,
people going through some tough times.
'Cause people are losing their jobs.
There's a lot of people
that have lost their jobs.
We going through some tough times.
You got to remember this in tough times.
Even when you're going
through tough times,
tough times don't last for long.
And understand
that there's always somebody out there
that's doing worse off than yourself.
If it makes you feel any better,
I got a girlfriend of mine,
she having such a rough time,
she selling pussy,
and she don't even like dick.
[audience laughing]
So if you think you got it rough,
this bitch be crying
taking her drawers off like [fake sobs]
[audience clapping, cheering]
[Sommore chuckles]
Now he running shit his way.
He doing shit his way.
He pardoned all the Proud Boys.
Let all the Proud Boys out of jail.
Pardon all the Proud Boys.
Drop the charges, let them out of jail.
Now y'all know
who the Proud Boys are, right?
The people that's responsible
for the insurrection,
that stormed the Capitol in D.C.,
climbed the walls and shit.
He pardoned them, let 'em all out of jail.
I'm like,
"Okay, you let the Proud Boys out."
"What about the Nasty Boys?
Let the Nasty Boys out."
Y'all know who the Nasty Boys are.
R. Kelly, P. Diddy, and Mystikal.
[audience laughing]
Here I go.
We laughing,
but they ain't got to our shit yet.
We just out here popping fans and shit,
wearing cowboy boots
in the summertime and shit.
But we just showing the fuck out.
We can--
Listen, we can turn out any goddamn thing.
Black people done took
the old country do-si-do
and added ass to it.
Rah! Rah! Rah!
You know the people wasn't doing that shit
before we came.
They done added ass to the do-si-do.
Rah! Rah! Rah!
Where them fans at? Rah!
[audience laughing]
See, they done added ass to the do-si-do.
But we gotta pay attention. 'Cause
I don't know if y'all paying attention,
but they're trying to erase
our total existence.
They really are.
Have y'all paid attention?
Like, they are no longer teaching
Black history in the schools.
No longer teaching Black history
in the schools.
So here we are.
If Black history is important
to Black people,
we gotta teach our children ourselves.
That's where we are.
[audience cheering]
That's right. If our history is important
to Black people,
we have to teach our children ourselves.
I personally think
all teaching should start at home,
whether it's hygiene, etiquette, manners,
and now Black history.
If it's important to us,
we have to teach our children at home.
Now, I could be a little bit biased
because when I was growing up,
my father was an English professor.
My father taught English,
and he was a Black history teacher.
-So one thing-- Yeah.
-[audience clapping]
One thing, he stressed
that we knew our Black history.
As a matter of fact,
he'd play little games with us,
just so we could remember.
He'd play little games.
Whenever we would sit at dinner,
he would name all the food
after Black leaders.
So we'd sit there
and he'd say something like,
"Hand me
the Martin Luther King fried chicken."
"Hand me the Harriet Tubman
macaroni and cheese."
"And hand me the Marcus Garvey meatloaf."
My little brother didn't understand
how all the food
was named after Black leaders,
but the refrigerator was still white.
So, when we'd put the food
in the refrigerator,
he'd stand in front of the refrigerator
talking about, "Let my people go."
I'm like, "Nigga, it's over."
Once the food hit the refrigerator,
it's over.
[audience laughing]
But it's true.
Listen, if our history,
if it's important to you now,
teach our children.
Because if we allow America
to teach our children our history,
they gonna fuck it up.
Listen, they gonna fuck it up.
They gonna add shit
that don't belong there.
They gonna mix the stories around.
I can clearly see a little girl
go to her mother in the future
and say something like this.
"So, ma, ma, ma,
is it true that back in the day,
it was an actress
by the name of Jada Pinkett
who refused to move
to the back of the bus?"
"And when she was on the bus, all her
and her girls went and robbed a bank."
"And they shot up the bus,
and everybody died."
[audience laughing]
We'll be sitting there like,
"Hold, hold, hold, hold on."
"I know goddamn well
they ain't put Rosa Parks
in the movie Set It Off."
Yes.
They will fuck it up. They'll fuck it up.
[audience laughing, clapping]
And listen, when you tell your children
about our history,
do not leave out the highlights.
Oh yeah, 'cause Black people,
we got some motherfucking highlights.
Do not leave out the highlights.
Like when Will Smith slapped the shit
out of Chris Rock live on TV.
And I know y'all don't like
to bring that up.
But he slapped the fuck out of Chris Rock.
He slapped him so hard,
he knocked the Fire Stick out of my TV.
I was like, "Oh shit, hold on."
Shit.
[audience laughing, clapping]
And you can't leave out the infamous
Katt Williams, Shannon Sharpe,
Club Shay Shay interview.
Come on now.
Listen, say what you want.
Katt Williams, Shannon Sharpe,
Club Shay Shay interview
shook up the stand-up comedy world.
It shook it up.
Listen, Katt Williams did
a three-hour interview on Shannon Sharpe.
Shannon Sharpe only asked
that motherfucker one question.
"How you doing?"
[audience laughing]
And he went the fuck off.
He went the fuck off.
And it was a sniper situation.
And I say a sniper situation
'cause in the shootout,
more than one person has a gun.
In the shootout, you shoot, I shoot,
you shoot, I shoot, you shoot, I shoot.
But in the sniper situation,
only one motherfucker got a gun.
And Katt Williams
was picking motherfuckers off.
You didn't know who was gonna be next.
First person out the gate
was Steve Harvey.
Ah!
Katt Williams told the whole world
that Steve Harvey had on a hairpiece.
Pow! Shot the wig off that bitch.
[audience laughing]
Then he flipped round and said
he was gonna punch Cedric the Entertainer
in his big, fat belly.
Pow! Shot the belly button
off that motherfucker.
Katt Williams told the whole world
that Ludacris was in the Illuminati
and sucked dick to get in that.
Pow!
Shot the lips off that bitch.
It was brutal.
Listen, he was airing
that motherfucker out.
He talked
about Tiffany Haddish, Kevin Hart,
Michael Blackson,
Faizon Love, you name it.
He was tearing their asses out the front.
And I ain't gonna lie, out of all
the people he talked shit about,
the one person I really felt bad for
was the comedian Earthquake.
Oh!
'Cause Katt Williams told the whole world
that Earthquake couldn't read.
Now, that's some cold-blooded shit.
For you to put a Black man
on the can't-read list, come on now.
Especially, listen,
especially coming from our era.
'Cause first of all, we all vowed
we would be better than our ancestors,
so motherfucker, we know how to read.
And we came up,
most of us came up during the time of
[sings] Conjunction, junction
What's your function?
Motherfucker, we know how to read.
[audience laughing]
But that's some cold-blooded shit for you
to put a Black man on the can't-read list.
Now here's the thing, I don't know
how white people handle shit,
but as a Black person,
when a motherfucker say you can't read,
you got to prove to Black people
that you can read.
That means, everywhere you go,
soon as you hit the door,
you got to start reading.
Soon as you walk in the barbershop,
you stop, you be like, "Refreshments."
"Potato chips, 35 cents."
"Corn chips, 45 cents.
Pretzels, 35 cents."
"Ladies room this way.
Men's room this way."
You got to read.
Get in there
and show motherfuckers you can read.
Any funeral you go to, get on program,
get up there and read
in front of the goddamn people.
[audience whooping]
[chuckles]
And I'm saying this, listen,
'cause it happened to a friend of mine.
Happened to a friend of mine.
Friend of mine ended up going to jail.
Now I'm not sure why he went to jail,
but some kind of way,
while he was in jail,
he fucked around
and got on the can't-read list.
[audience laughing]
He was more upset about being
on the can't-read list than being in jail.
But he could not wait to come home
to prove to everybody that he could read.
The morning of the day he was getting
out of jail, his sister called everybody.
She was like,
"Yo, my brother coming home this evening."
"Why don't we meet up
at the restaurant and surprise him?"
So we showed up
with a cake, balloons, a banner,
[chuckles] bitches had roses,
and surprised him, right?
He walked in the room,
everybody said, "Surprise."
They was high-fiving, giving him hugs.
They was crying and shit.
It was real emotional.
But he wanted to prove
to everybody that he could read.
So he ran over to the table.
He picked up the menu.
He was like, "I'mma order for everybody.
I'mma order for everybody."
[audience laughing, clapping]
I said, "Ooh."
"This gonna be expensive."
Now, the only reason why
I said it's gonna be expensive,
'cause that's how it is in the hood.
In the hood, if you ordered the shit,
that means you paying for the shit.
So I said, "Ooh, this gonna be expensive."
But he didn't give a fuck.
He was determined
to prove to us he could read.
He ran over that bitch
and started ordering shit.
He was like, "Let me get six orders
of chicken quesadillas."
I said, "Now this bitch
jumped out the gate with quesadilla."
[audience laughing]
Now y'all know quesadilla's
a tricky motherfucker, okay?
'Cause first of all,
it don't look the way it sounds.
So bitch, you jazzy
to fuck with quesadilla, all right?
He started off, "Let me get six orders
of chicken quesadilla."
He was like, "Let me get some calamari,
let me get some strawberry daiquiris,
let me get some escargot,
and give me some jambalaya."
Everybody was like, "Ooh."
Only thing about it, bitch,
we was at Pizza Hut.
Wasn't none of that shit on the menu.
[audience clapping]
I grabbed the menu from that motherfucker.
I told the waiter, "Bring us
five pepperoni pizzas to get started."
"And bring this motherfucker
a coloring book
so he can have something to do."
You done set up in jail
and memorized the menu
from the wrong goddamn restaurant.
Ain't no goddamn jambalaya at Pizza Hut.
Shannon was rolling for a minute.
Listen, Shannon Sharpe had this bitch
on lock for a minute.
All till he fucked around and caught a
fucked around
and caught a little sex scandal.
But listen, that's the world
we living in right now.
This culture right here
ain't nothing but scandals.
I'm telling y'all, this culture right now,
these motherfuckers will sign an NDA
and write a book
with the same motherfucking ink pen.
They ain't playing fair out this bitch.
But I like a little sex scandal.
I like when people have
little sex scandals.
When motherfuckers have sex scandals,
you find out what they really like.
See, people look one way on the outside,
but when you find out all
the freaky little shit they really like,
that's what a sex scandal do for you.
Just expose all your freaky little shit.
And I like to play a little game.
Most people look for the person's picture
and be like, "Oh, this what he did."
Mm-mm.
I like to keep the picture for last.
I like to read all the little kinky shit,
then go back and look at the picture.
Read all the little shit they did,
then go back
and turn the page and be like, "Ah."
"This mister like
to sniff the bicycle seats
at the gym when ain't nobody looking."
[audience laughing]
Read all the little nasty shit,
turn the page and be like, "Ah!"
"This the bitch that be pressing her box
up against the zucchinis
in the produce section
when ain't nobody looking."
Listen, I'm a professional at it.
[laughs]
I am.
I like to read all the little details,
and I can tell a little bit
about the victim when I read the details.
Like in the Shannon Sharpe situation,
I was able to tell early that it was
a young girl that he was messing with.
I could tell she was young.
First of all, I knew she wasn't
a grown woman like myself. Come on now.
I'm a full-grown German shepherd
out this bitch.
[audience cheering]
I could tell she was a young girl.
Here's the reason
why I could tell she was a young girl.
'Cause when she was like, when they
was describing the shit she was saying,
she was saying shit like,
"Ooh, I want you to give me a baby."
"I want you to give me
one of them big Black babies."
"I want you to give me a big Black baby."
I was like, "Yeah, this a young girl."
Ain't no grown woman like myself
begging no 56-year-old man
for no goddamn baby.
'Cause we already know what kind of baby
a 56-year-old man gonna give.
[audience laughing]
Fuck on the spectrum,
that bitch going to lick the fence.
They going to lick the fence.
Come on now, you seen them kids
that lick the goddamn fence.
You be sitting out there talking about,
"Junior, you wanted a bike?"
"Ride the goddamn bike."
"I bought you a bike.
You out here licking the fence."
"Stop licking the goddamn fence."
Ain't nothing wrong with Junior.
Junior's daddy just old, that's all.
He an old nut baby. Come on now.
You done seen the old nut babies.
When the young girl fuck around
and have a baby by the sugar daddy.
[laughs]
She named him Brandon.
[audience laughing]
Everybody be like, "I don't know
why the fuck she named that baby Brandon."
"He look just like Mr. James."
Brandon walking around here
with the "my daddy old" face.
This bitch got
a receding hairline back here.
He dressed like an insurance man
in the house vacuuming and shit.
You be begging that bitch to go outside.
"Go outside, Brandon."
"Go outside and play."
Brandon's daddy old.
All the other kids want to go
to Chuck E. Cheese for their birthday.
Brandon wanna go fishing.
[audience laughing]
Goddamn, Brandon's daddy's old.
That's an old nut baby.
Come on now, you seen the old nut baby.
And I know what I'm talking about.
'Cause I'm what you call an old egg.
That's an old egg.
That's when a woman
have your kids later in life.
Listen, the average childbearing years
is 17 to 27.
Anything after that,
you rolling the motherfucking dice.
And when you roll the dice,
you don't know what you gonna get.
Listen, my mother rolled the dice.
I am an old egg.
That's why I can talk about it,
'cause I'm an old egg.
And thank God I came out fine.
-Listen, thank God.
-[audience cheering, clapping]
She rolled the motherfucking dice.
And I came out smart. Listen, as a kid,
I was smart as a motherfucker.
My ABCs, 123s,
they only had to show me one time.
One time, caught it right off.
I was so smart,
they didn't even have to potty train me.
I showed up
with a Pull-Up on, ready to go.
[audience laughing]
Only thing about it,
not only was I smart, but I was strong,
especially up under the arms.
As a kid, I was mustier
than a motherfucker.
I was a full-grown woman
up under the arms.
Bitch, Tussy couldn't hold me.
You remember Tussy.
Tussy was for the funky teenagers.
Bitch, Tussy, I ran through Tussy.
Tussy couldn't fuck with me.
Secret was no secret, bitch.
I took Secret down.
I was seven years old on Right Guard.
And you know, Right Guard was
for construction workers, bitch.
I was on Right Guard.
I had to grow into my underarms.
I remember being outside
turning double dutch.
My friends be like, "Put your arms down!"
[audience laughing]
But Shannon Sharpe, listen,
Shannon's shit was so scandalous,
[chuckles] it made us even forget about
that Kanye went and hollered out
he sucked his cousin's dick
till he was 14.
[audience clapping]
Oh shit, I ain't say it. He said it.
And here's my thing. Here's my thing.
'Cause I understand we in this culture now
where everybody wanna speak their piece,
and "I wanna clear my mind,"
and "I wanna heal,"
and they just wanna tell
their motherfuckin' story.
And it's okay to tell your story,
but you can't bring nobody else
in your goddamn story.
His cousin might not
I don't even know if it's true.
His cousin might not want
no shit like that,
for you to say no shit like that.
Like, for instance, you ever hear somebody
admit to liking or doing some nasty shit?
And then when you call them out on it,
they try to blame it on where they from.
And you happen to be
from the same place they from.
So here's how it go.
They be saying some shit like this.
"You know I was with Brenda
the other night."
"What? Hell yeah, man."
"Me and Brenda was having
a good fucking time."
"Man, Brenda's still wild man."
"Brenda's still wild,
but I turned that bitch out."
You was like, "For real?"
He's like, "Hell yeah."
"I rolled over,
and I started eating her ass."
And you be like, "Ooh."
He be like, "Shit, nigga,
I'm from Detroit, nigga."
"I'm from Detroit, nigga."
You be like, "Detroit ain't got shit
to do with that, bitch."
"My whole family's from Detroit.
Don't nobody in my family eat ass."
"That's your shit.
That ain't got shit to do with Detroit."
"Don't bring me in on that shit."
I like my sense of humor.
-[laughs] I do.
-[woman cheers]
Listen, I have a very wicked
sense of humor. I really do.
And I've been like this all my life.
And because I have
a wicked sense of humor,
it helps me from stressing a lot.
I don't stress a lot.
I really don't. I really don't.
Because of my perspective
and the way I see things.
First of all,
I'm a kind person. I'm a nice person.
-I try to not be a mean-spirited person.
-[audience cheering]
[Sommore] I am.
I am, for the most part.
And then, I'm one of those people,
I always look for the good.
No matter what happens, look for the good.
And when you're looking for the good,
sometimes you just have to be patient.
But if you be patient,
eventually you'll see the good.
I always look for the good.
And then, I'm not afraid
to think outside of the box.
Sometimes people just condition themselves
to focus right here.
I'm one of those people,
I step back and think outside of the box.
So I'm able to see things
from a whole other perspective sometimes.
And it saves me
a lot of times from stress.
Like, for instance, there was a situation
that happened in Jacksonville, Florida.
A crazy man ran up in a Dollar Store,
shot up the Dollar Store.
Five people died.
It was tragic.
It was all on CNN, all on the local news.
The victims' family was posting pictures
of them on Facebook and Instagram.
"Gone too soon."
"Rest in peace."
I called all my family members that night.
And first of all,
I told them that I loved them.
And then I told them, I said, "Listen,
if I should ever happen to die
or get killed at the Dollar Store,
don't put my motherfucking picture
in the paper
and tell people I died
at the goddamn Dollar Store."
"Come on now. Bitch,
lie and say it was CVS or something."
"You don't tell nobody I died
at the goddamn Dollar Store."
"Bitch, all the shit
I've accomplished in life,
you gonna put Dollar Tree on me, bitch?
Come on."
[audience laughing, clapping]
"Name the Plaza. You don't tell nobody
I died at the goddamn Dollar Store."
And I'm telling you this
because you really gotta
tell your relative shit like this.
I'm telling you,
you'll be laying in your casket.
You'll be laying in your casket.
Somebody will be reading your obituary.
They'll be doing good
till they get all the way down to the end
and say some goofy shit.
They'll say, "Well, one thing about her,
she loved the Dollar Store."
You will sit right up in your casket like,
"Who the fuck told you
to say some bullshit like that?"
"Don't tell nobody no shit like that."
'Cause here's the truth
about the Dollar Store.
We fuck with the Dollar Store.
We all fuck with it,
but it ain't your shit.
It ain't your shit.
You fuck with it, but it ain't your shit.
And here's how you know
it ain't your shit.
Whenever you're in the Dollar Store,
you're never 100% comfortable.
You always keep your head on a swivel,
looking for somebody you know.
Soon as you see somebody you know,
after you speak,
you immediately state why you in there.
You be like, "What's up, Tammy?
How you doing, baby? Good to see you."
"I'm just in here
getting my aunt a birthday card."
"How your mom doing?
Tell your mom I said hi."
That's right.
'Cause you fuck with it,
but this ain't your shit.
Here's how you really know
it ain't your shit.
No matter what you buy, never get a cart.
I'll be at the register,
arms full of shit.
I refuse to get a cart.
'Cause you get a cart,
that mean this your shit.
This your shit.
This your shit.
This what you do.
[audience clapping, laughing]
I refuse to get a cart.
You ever notice
You ever notice
you don't see couples in the Dollar Store?
You go in that bitch one at a time.
Your husband be like, "You go on in."
"I'mma sit in the car
and wait on you to come out."
You don't never want to be seen
on no goddamn date at the Dollar Store.
And here's rule number one
of going to the Dollar Store.
Whenever you talk about
what you did that day,
you never mention the Dollar Store.
[audience laughing]
People be like, "What you do today?"
"Oh, bitch, I've been busy all day."
"Had to take my grandmother
to choir rehearsal,
pick my daughter up,
go to cheerleading practice,
take the dog to the vet,
go to the laundry,
pick up the laundry and shit."
They be like, "Really? 'Cause Tammy said
she's seen you in the Dollar Store."
Ah! Type shit, type shit, yeah.
"Had to go get my aunt
a birthday card real quick, you know?"
But you don't bring that shit up.
You gotta know how to move
out in these streets.
You gotta know how to move.
'Cause here's the one thing I can tell you
and promise you about life.
Life is very humbling.
Very humbling.
And if it hasn't humbled you yet,
just wait.
Listen, the Bible speaks about it.
The Bible say we will all be humbled.
All heads will bow,
and all knees will bend to Him.
We will all be humbled.
[audience clapping]
Life is very humbling.
You know how much Sean John shit
is at the Goodwill right now?
[audience laughing]
Homeless people won't even wear that shit.
I seen a homeless man throw a jacket
way across the room.
He was like, "Nah, take that,
take that, take that, take that."
Y'all know that was a good fucking joke
there. Y'all bullshitting right there.
That was, listen
[audience cheering]
Life is very humbling.
Here's the thing, the fact
that Puffy has billions of dollars
and can't get a bond or a bail.
Listen, Puffy is in the middle
of a scary movie
called The Ghost of Pussy Past.
[audience laughing]
Now here's the thing.
I'm not defending what he did,
I'm not justifying what he did,
but I just want y'all to do me one favor.
Think outside of the box
just a little bit.
What if a motherfucker was judging you
on some shit you did back in the day?
Let's take the '80s.
What if a motherfucker was judging you
on some shit you did in the '80s?
First of all,
we was all different in the '80s.
Life was different in the '80s.
The rules was different in the '80s.
If you describe some of the shit
we was doing in the '80s,
if you describe that shit right now,
it don't sound right.
It don't sound right.
I'm talking about little shit.
Like, describe bobbing for apples.
The game we played at birthday parties.
Describe that shit today.
You'd be like,
"Okay, so let me get this right."
"Y'all took kids,
blindfolded them,
tied their hands behind their back,
had them stick their head
in a bucket of nasty-ass water,
for an apple?"
Yeah.
That shit don't sound right.
And you know that shit don't sound right.
If your grandbaby came home tomorrow
and was like,
"I was over Jennifer's house,
and we were playing a game,
and they tied my hands behind my back,"
you'd be like,
"What kind of fucking game was that?"
"You don't tie kids' hands
behind they back."
That's the shit we was doing.
Come on now.
Some of the shit we was doing,
if you listen to that shit today,
it don't sound right.
Describe Pin the Tail on the Donkey.
Okay, so let me get this right.
Y'all took kids, blindfolded 'em,
spin 'em around and got 'em dizzy.
Then told 'em, "Find the ass
in the room, find the ass."
Yeah, y'all motherfuckers going to
[audience clapping, cheering]
You know that shit don't sound right.
[audience laughing]
Y'all remember the '80s.
Life was different in the '80s.
You remember the '80s,
your mom had that Cutlass
with no power steering.
She made that left turn
with all her motherfucking might.
You was so light in the ass,
every time she made a left turn,
you slid all the way to the edge
of the goddamn seat.
And you slid
'cause you ain't had no seatbelt on.
Come on now, it's the '80s.
We was riding dirty in the '80s.
You ain't had no goddamn seatbelt on.
Listen, we was brought up rough.
In the '80s, your mother would smoke
a whole pack of cigarettes,
roll the windows up,
and smoke that bitch with you in the car.
[audience laughing]
She smoked, and you smoked too.
She didn't give a fuck about your lungs.
Bitch, this was the '80s.
That's why I look at some
of the luxuries we have today,
and it's hard to complain.
Like, do you realize we have apps
like Spotify and Apple Music and YouTube,
where you can go to any song
from any genre and play it instantly?
See, I remember the '80s,
when you was in your room
and you called the radio station
five times in a row,
begging the bitch
to play the "Double Dutch Bus."
You were like, "Bitches, you gonna play
the song or not? 'Cause I got shit to do."
[audience laughing]
Nowadays, if you call a bitch
five times in a row,
you going to jail for stalking.
Life was different.
And y'all know life was different.
Ladies, life was different.
Y'all remember in the '80s,
when you took a bath or took a shower,
to prove that you was fresh and clean,
you put baby powder all on your chest.
You put that shit all up to your neck.
I wish the fuck you'd put some baby powder
on yourself and go outside right now.
I tell you,
they'll call the CDC on your ass.
-[audience laughing]
-"Yeah, we got a lady out here."
"I'm not sure if it's anthrax, cocaine,
fentanyl, Carpet Fresh."
"Somebody needs to come
check it out though."
"All right, thank you."
Life was different.
So for a motherfucker
to judge you on some shit
you were doing back in the day,
shit was different.
I ain't lying.
Listen, I had a scare this year.
I had a scare.
I am a graduate of Morris Brown College
in Atlanta, Georgia.
[cheering]
This year, they came out
with a documentary about Freaknik.
Friend of mine called me like,
"Girl, you heard that?"
"They coming out
with a documentary about Freaknik."
First thing I said was,
"Where they getting the footage from?"
[audience laughing]
She was like, "Oh,
they just telling people to send it in."
I'm sitting there like, "Shit."
I'm wondering
if people gonna be able to see that's me
with no eyebrows and shit, you know.
You know,
life was different back then, you know.
So I had really forgotten about it.
And my dude came to me one day.
He was like, "Yeah, you know, I heard
a documentary coming out about Freaknik."
"It came out It's coming out this week."
"We gonna watch it on Friday."
I said, "Bitch,
I'm gonna watch it on Wednesday
to see if we gonna watch it on Friday."
That's right.
And I'm one of those people, listen
I try to keep up with the new shit,
and I'm impressed.
I'm impressed,
and a lot of shit motivates me.
I get motivated
by seeing people's success.
Sometimes when you see
other people's success,
you can't take it as your failure.
People do that a lot of time.
Other people's success is not a picture
of your failure. You know what I'm saying?
I like the fact that we have
more female rappers now than ever before.
-I do.
-[audience cheering]
Oh, I love the female rappers.
-We got Kash Doll, Nicki Minaj.
-[woman whoops]
-We got Cardi B and GloRilla.
-[audience cheering, clapping]
Goddamn, I like Glo.
I like Lil Glo.
I heard GloRilla say something,
I swear to y'all,
changed my outlook and perspective
on some things in life.
So GloRilla is straight out
of Memphis, Tennessee.
So when she speaks,
she has a strong southern accent.
So they're doing an interview,
and the man asked GloRilla,
"Well, how do you like being famous?"
She be like, "I ain't gonna lie.
It's a little hard being famous."
"It's a little hard being famous."
The man said, "Well, what's so hard
about being famous?"
She be like, "Well, because my fans
be bullying me online."
He said, "Your fans bully you?"
She said, "Yeah, my fans
be bullying me online."
She said, "They be making fun
of my funny-looking little body
and my big-ass nose, but I let them know,
y'all mind will get used to keep seeing
this funny-looking little body
and this big-ass nose,
'cause I'm gonna keep making hits
and I'm gonna keep getting money."
"And at the end of the day,
pussy still good."
[audience laughing, clapping]
And I was like, "What the fuck
did pussy have to do with that?"
Like, I was confused.
And it wasn't until I backed up,
stepped outside of the box,
looked at it in a whole 'nother way,
then this is how I heard it.
First of all, you gotta understand,
sometimes in life,
people are not gonna see you
the way you see yourself.
And that was one of the hardest lessons
I ever had to learn in my life.
Sometimes people just not gonna see you
the way you see yourself.
And always cheer for yourself.
I don't give a fuck.
Always cheer for yourself.
[audience cheering]
Always.
People ask me,
"Who are your top five comedians?"
I say, "Well, three of them is Sommore."
And two of them
look just like her, you know.
[cheering continues]
But always cheer for yourself.
So when I said that, I listened to Cardi.
I listened, go back,
and listened to GloRilla thing again.
So this is what I heard this time.
"You might not like
my funny-looking little body
or my big-ass nose,
but I'm going to keep making hits,
and I'm going to keep getting money."
"And at the end of the day, if none
of this shit don't work, guess what?"
"Pussy still good."
[audience cheering]
I said, "This bitch just gave
her pussy a shout-out."
[audience laughing]
She gave her pussy a shout-out.
I went home and changed the password
to all my shit to "Pussy still good."
[audience clapping, whooping]
That's right.
If that don't motivate you,
no matter what happens in life,
pussy still good.
Understand that.
Understand that.
And I know some women
Listen, y'all would never use it.
You're too dignified to use it.
But I can show you
where you can use it [chuckles]
on the simplest terms.
Let's say you got a doctor's appointment.
You got a doctor's appointment
at one o'clock.
You get there early.
You get there at 12:30.
The little girl don't call you to the back
till five after one.
She don't come in there
to take your blood pressure
till quarter after one.
She walk in that bitch
like ain't nothing wrong.
She ain't even apologizing for being late.
She throws the cuff on you
and start pumping.
[huffing]
She look at you, she say,
"Mm, your blood pressure a little high."
You look at her and say,
"It was fine at one o'clock."
[audience laughing]
Listen, don't let this little girl
fuck your day up.
Now you know you've been watching
your sodium intake.
You know you've been doing
your 10,000 steps a day.
You know you've been drinking your water.
When she tries to tell you
your blood pressure high,
this is exactly what I want you to do.
I want you to look down,
look away,
look her dead in the face and say,
"At the end of the day"
-"Pussy still good."
-[audience] Pussy still good.
Pressure high, but pussy good.
[cheering]
That's right.
I can tell you one better than that.
Better than that. Better than that.
Let's say you go to the bank.
Let's say you go to the bank.
You doing a little deposit.
You doing a little deposit.
You slide the check up under the window.
You don't even ask for the balance
'cause you know where you at.
You already know.
She take it upon herself
to write your balance down.
She slide the shit back to you.
You look down. It's a little light.
It's a little light.
It's a little light.
Don't let this fuck up your day.
Don't let this fuck up your day.
This is exactly what I want you to do.
I want you to look down, look away,
pick that paper up
and ball it right up in her face
and say,
"At the end of the day, pussy still good."
Bitch, pussy still good.
I'm one of those people,
I used to think that
laughter was the best medicine,
all until Ozempic came out.
Shit, Ozempic is the shit.
Ozempic is the shit.
Have you seen Oprah?
Bitch, Oprah is a size eight.
And everybody that know Oprah, know Oprah
been a 20 all her motherfucking life.
Strong 20.
Oprah is an eight.
And she look good.
Goddamn, she look good.
And here's the thing.
Here's why I'm so happy for her.
Because all the money that Oprah has,
she's been in the struggle.
She's just like me and you. You listen.
She's been in the struggle.
She's been in the struggle.
Oprah struggled so much with her weight,
she joined Weight Watchers.
She joined Weight Watchers.
Joined Weight Watchers,
invested money in the company,
became the face of the company,
became the spokesperson of the company,
all until Ozempic came out.
Ozempic came out,
Oprah took three shots of Ozempic,
and broke up with them bitches on Twitter.
She ain't even go to the meeting.
She tweeted them hoes,
"I'm out."
[audience laughing]
She look good.
Listen, and Oprah outside, outside.
She ain't never been outside like this.
Never.
But now Oprah at parties turnt up.
Listen, she gave
a whole big shout-out to Ozempic.
Listen, Ozempic is a bad motherfucker,
and it works fast.
You take that shit, you be skinny
and your shadow's still fat.
[audience laughing]
But you gotta go to Oprah's page
to see what I'm talking about.
She's an eight now, and she looks good.
What I like about it is
she ain't got that old sloppy weight.
Like, you know some people had
that "I used to be fat" look? Mm-mm.
Oprah has a total makeover.
I'm talking about head to toe.
All her shit is brand-fucking-new.
She has this video on her page.
She has on this purple dress.
And she walking down the hallway,
and they slow the video down
so she in slow motion when she walking.
I had to zoom in.
I said, "Goddamn, look at Oprah."
And every time she step, her hair bounce.
I'm like, "Look at Oprah.
Hair from Brazil."
"The titties is from Cuba."
"The ass is from the Dominican Republic,
but them feet still from Mississippi."
[audience laughing]
I tell you, she going down that hallway,
I'm like, "Oprah,
you got to get new feet, baby."
You can't put all that hot-girl shit
on them country-ass feet.
They got to get new feet.
And here's the thing. Here's the thing.
Why do women do that?
Why do we go out
and get all brand-new shit?
Head to toe, top to bottom.
New glasses, new teeth,
new titties, flat stomach, bigger ass.
Get all that shit, go somewhere,
and your feet hurt.
Why you just don't get new feet?
Who gonna be the first bitch
to get new feet?
I'mma be the first bitch to get new feet.
I'mma show up at a party.
Y'all gonna be all sitting down
'cause your feet hurt.
I'mma hit the room
and hit the stage like this. "Ah!"
[audience laughing]
Y'all gonna be sitting there like,
"You know them feet ain't real."
"You know that bitch had her feet done."
But I'm happy for Oprah.
And she humble, listen, Oprah is humble.
Y'all know how much
motherfucking money Oprah has?
You know you humble,
you got all that fucking money
and you still wear glasses.
Bitch, that's humbler than a motherfucker.
'Cause if I had half of Oprah money,
I'd have x-ray vision on y'all asses.
You walk up to me, I'd be like,
"I see you had pizza for lunch."
[audience laughing]
But Oprah looks good, she really does.
To be honest with y'all,
I'm worried about Stedman.
Listen, her long-time boyfriend.
Stedman been hanging in there.
And you know, any man in here been with
a woman that struggles with her weight,
you know how emotional we are,
and sensitive about our weight.
When we going through
our self-esteem shit,
our emotions go up and down.
So Stedman go through it
when he dealing with Oprah.
And any man know, any woman
that go from a 20 to an eight
is a totally different woman. Come on now.
Mentally, that's a whole 'nother woman.
Life is just different
at an eight and a 20.
First of all,
you can make love to an eight.
You got to fuck a 20.
-[audience laughing]
-Bitch, you got to get up under a 20.
You can't be bullshitting
with no goddamn 20.
You end up on your back with your legs up
fucking with a 20 like, "Hold on now."
"Put my leg down."
"I'm a man. Put my leg down."
You can't be bullshitting with no 20.
Fucking a 20 is like a banjo, bitch.
You can't bullshit with a banjo.
If you can't play that bitch,
you can't pull it out.
[audience clapping]
There's people out here
going through real shit.
People going through real shit.
I got a girlfriend of mine right now
going through some real shit.
Girlfriend of mine was married
for 21 years to the love of her life.
He had a car accident, and unfortunately,
he died right there at the scene.
Died right there at the scene.
And she was devastated,
which was expected, her to be devastated.
But she vowed to everybody that night.
She said, "Listen, I am going to give him
the most memorable home-going ceremony
this city has ever seen."
She said, "No expense will be spared.
I'm going all out."
Let me tell y'all something. She rented
out the biggest cathedral in the city.
She hired a mass choir
to sing at the ceremony.
She hired Yolanda Adams
to lead the mass choir.
She hired Kirk Franklin
to lead Yolanda Adams.
[audience whooping]
All out.
[chuckles]
She had a custom-made casket.
It was all white with a glass top.
She had him a custom-made tuxedo,
all white, with a gold stripe up the side.
She was gonna have a 21-gun salute
at the gravesite.
She was gonna release 21 doves
to commemorate all the 21 years
they've been together.
She was gonna have 21 dozens
of white roses to line the church.
She wanted praise dancers
to dance all up and down the aisle.
She wanted all the congregation
to wear all white.
She had all this shit planned out
until she fucked around
and needed some information
for the insurance policy.
[audience exclaiming]
She took his phone down to T-Mobile,
and T-Mobile unlocked his phone.
Very bad.
Very bad.
T-Mobile
unlocked his phone.
First of all, she found out
he had an outside baby
that was seven years old.
She found out a girl he swore
was his cousin, wasn't his cousin at all.
She found naked pictures
of women all in the phone
where he had been sexting
and texting with women.
She found three dick pictures.
Two of them wasn't his.
[audience exclaiming]
She found out he wasn't even a Scorpio.
He was really a Gemini.
[Sommore laughs]
Let me tell y'all something.
She downgraded
this whole motherfucking funeral.
She called everybody and said,
"The funeral is off."
She buried this man
in a Temu jogging suit.
[audience laughing]
With some no-name tennis shoes.
She ain't even get him a haircut.
She ain't even get him a taper.
She put glasses on him.
He ain't even wear glasses.
She put the glasses on him and said,
"Look what the fuck you made me do."
[audience laughing]
She spelled his name wrong
on the obituary.
She spelled "fuck nigga" with two Ks.
She had the funeral service over Zoom,
but ain't give nobody the link.
He was laying in that bitch,
no haircut, with shades on by hisself.
So,
so
Of course, I couldn't go to the service
'cause I was flying out that day.
But I told her, I said,
"When I get back to town,
we gonna go to lunch."
Y'all, I sat there with my friend
and she cried.
She cried for 20 minutes,
and I cried with her.
She said,
"Girl, I'm just so fucking embarrassed."
"This man had all this shit
going on in this city,
and everybody knew except for me."
I said, "Well, look at it this way."
"He loved you enough
that he respected you,
that he kept it from you."
"Okay, he did what he did,
but he kept it from you."
She said, "I know you're trying to make me
feel good 'cause you my friend."
She said, "But the truth of the matter is
I was married to a man who wasn't shit."
I said, "No. Now, he was a good man,
he wasn't a perfect man,
'cause I seen him treat you good."
"So he was a good man,
he wasn't a perfect man."
Now me, trying to find the good,
think outside the box,
I said, "Now T-Mobile,
T-Mobile ain't shit."
[audience laughing]
'Cause T-Mobile ain't had that shit to do.
Metro PCS would've never unlocked
that motherfucker's phone.
Dicks could've been falling
all out the screen,
they wouldn't unlock that goddamn phone.
T-Mobile ain't shit.
[chuckles]
I said, "So what you gonna do?
I know you're embarrassed."
"You gonna move?" She said, "No."
She said, "Financially, he left me good."
She said,
"I had double indemnity insurance on him,
meaning if he died in an accident,
I got double the money."
"So financially, I'm good."
She said, "As a matter of fact,
I'm gonna take an early retirement,
open up me a little boutique
just to give me something to do."
I said, "So you're not gonna move?"
She said, "Mm-mm. I'mma stay here.
I'mma stay here and live my life."
"I might even get married again."
I said, "Are you serious?"
She said, "Hell yeah."
"'Cause at the end of the day"
[Sommore, audience] Pussy still good.
-Y'all, my name is Sommore.
-[audience cheering]
Thank y'all for coming.
I appreciate y'all.
Thank y'all.
["Chandelier Fly"
by Bigg D and Cory Irvin playing]
Thank y'all.
Appreciate it.
Chandelier fly
Oh my
Chandelier fly
Chandelier fly
Oh my, oh my