Son of Paleface (1952) Movie Script

Here we are on the Harvard campus.
A boy and a girl. I'm the boy.
You know your little Penelope
wants to marry you, darling.
But first go west and
collect your inheritance,
the vast fortune
your father left you.
Very few people recognize me from
this angle. Not a classic head, haven't I?
You should see when they take the cork out!
But enough chit chat! On with the story.
This girl is mad about me.
No, don't kiss me!
Imagine any girl saying
that to me? Silly child!
I like to kiss this girl because she
has the kind of lips that I like.
One on the top and
one on the bottom.
Go now Junior! Get your money.
And remember, I love you!
Love you! Love you!
I'm about to turn to you, lucky people.
Fasten your safety belts!
Don't be impatient! Please hold the
applause, you might miss the plot.
Magna cum laude.
Magna cum laude!
It's Latin meaning: If you folks drive home
after the show, be sure and use a car.
What's this? This is an old character
actor on the Paramount lot
we try to keep working.
He's supporting a large family.
But I guarantee you this fellow will not be in
the picture tonight! Well sir, on with the show...
I'll be waiting! And though
you face grave danger,
Be brave. Be fearless!
For remember darling, you are
Junior, son of Paleface!
The Sheriff! Let's go!
Good afternoon, Governor Freeman.
HI Doc. Roy! Hello Roy.
We were on our way to meet you.
Why this? I use the service entrance!
You see governor, when I'm assigned a case, I
trust no one. Not even your personal guards.
Seems we got the right man Doc. That's what
I told you, governor. What's you plan Roy?
The plan is to wait and watch. I don't
think we'll have to wait too long.
You see, all the hold ups have
taken place in this area.
And with the gold was stolen
from these points,
I figure the town of Sawbuck Pass
must be the Torch's headquarters.
Doc, I'll meet you there in the morning
and get things set up. I'll be there.
Now be careful Roy. If Torch ever finds out you and
Doc federal agents there, you'll never get out alive.
We have before. You see governor,
I disguise myself with a song,
and Doc hides behind a bottle
of patent medicine.
I'll see you later!
Hey trigger!
Trigger! Come here, boy!
Hurry up there boy! We're off to
Sawbuck Pass... Hold it Trigger!
And now ladies and gentlemen, my
partner and his four-legged friend
have only told you only a few, only a few of the
curative powers of Doc. Lovejoy's wonder tonic.
Now who's to be the first to walk up here and
purchase a clean bill of health for only one dollar?
Hey Doc! I'd like to buy a bottle for the
sheriff. He's suffering from Torch trouble!
That ain't funny, mister!
Ain't funny? The bandit is stealing our
gold. It's getting so nobodys safe.
The next thing you know the Torch will
be riding in and shooting up the town.
Somebody must be smoking
a full pack!
Easy folks! It's only me!
Only me! That's the
understatement of the year.
Well, we must move ahead.
Here we go!
Oops! Sorry.
Out of my way!
I'm a Harvard man!
Watch out, here he comes again!
Help! Your going to run into me!
A scratch! Look a scratch on my mud guard!
Sheriff! Where's the sheriff here.
I'm the sheriff. Oh your the man? Well sheriff
run to the corner and get me a croocked lawyer.
How'd you like that?
Look at that fellow rolling in the mud!
Arrest him for drunk driving.
I'm an innocent man and if you have any
justice in you, you'll accept my bribe.
What is the big idea? Look what you
did to our wagon and my horse!
Quarantine that beast! He's
got the chickenpox! Listen you!
Please... lips that touch liquor
shall never touch mine!
I never touched a drop in my life! Somebodys been
putting bourbon in your toothpaste. Why you...!
Get your hands off of me!
I'm engaged to be married.
And you stop puckering up! I wouldn't kiss
you either. Now look Sheriff, I want...
Please, no dancing.
Just a minute!
You'll pay for that wagon stranger, or you
go to the hoosegow. Who gow? Oh the hoosegow?
Hold on. You can't put a Harvard man
in jail, it's unsanitary.
What are you going to pay for that wagon
with? Preposition at the end of a sentence.
Next thing you know he'll be dangling
his partisible. Shame on you!
The school marm will certainly
hear about this, sir!
Now can one of you peasants
direct me to the bank?
I'm here to claim the inheritance left
to me from my daddy Paleface Potter.
You Paleface's son?
Your starring right at him!
Hey Lib! Son Paleface is here!
Hurry up! He's going to read the will.
C'mon, he's going to get his money!
And so I, Paleface Potter, the greatest
Indian fighter to ever hit the West,
being of sound mind, I bequeath to
my son Junior my entire fortune.
The reason I leave all of my money to
my son Junior, is being of sound mind...
Well I won't bother to read
the last paragraph Junior,
it's mearly an expression
your father's love for you.
Just a minute! I was
so young at the time, I
don't remember the
things daddy said about me.
He poured out his heart in this will,
I'd kinda like to read it.
The reason I leave all of my money to
my son Junior, is being of sound mind
I can't leave my money to my wife
because I ain't never forgiven her
since she presented
me with an idiot for a son.
I was the only child.
But this idiot is all I got in the world,
which shows you what a lousy spot I'm in.
I never knew dad felt
that way about me.
I always knew I was kind of a shnook,
but I'm a nice shnook, ain't I?
Even at Harvard I took a
course in good shnookery.
I'm sorry, Junior.
All Dad's friends
liked me. What a
reception, all those
smiling faces out there.
Some of those faces out
there aren't smiling Junior.
You see, your father
left town in a hurry.
He left owing alot of
bills to alot of people.
They expect to be paid
out of the money you inherit.
There's your father's chest Junior.
Hasn't been moved since he put it there
Here's the key.
It's a Yale lock. I
wish I had my gloves!
Mr. Thorne, can I see
you for a moment? I'll be
right away Waverly.
I'll be right back Junior.
If they hang Junior Potter they
should be ashamed of themselves!
For his sake I hope he find lots of gold.
The way that mobs acting, he'll need it.
Look at hat big fellow
with the block and tackle!
While they'll tear
him limb from limb!
This whole thing makes me sick
to my stomach. Well Junior will
be worse than sick in his stomach
if he doesn't bring that gold out here.
You hold them
off, I'll go get him.
Gold! Thousands
of gold dollars. Gold!
I got gold!
It's all there. Gold slippers,
gold trinkets. My daddy's gold!
I got gold rocks, gold stones,
gallstones, gold gallstones.
I am rich! I got millions I
tell you! Junior! I'm alright.
Waverly, come here quick!
Gold! I got gold! Now I can
afford a Gabardine hat for summer.
Gold! I got millions!
I say we string him up right now.
We'll never get paid.
He's got tricky eyes like his old man.
My bill has been due over 30 years!
Please listen to me!
Mr. Potter is suffering from shock.
The sight of all that money in his father's
strongbox was just too much for him.
Your bills will all be paid within 2 days
according to the terms of Paleface's will.
Should I take you to the hotel,
Mr Potter? Mr. Potter! Mr. Potter!
Can anyone call me nugget?
We want our money! Money!
Money! Money! Money! Money!
Darling, they're playing our song!
He won the West.
He won it using loaded dice!
My daddy! How can I ever thank
you for all the money you left me?
And I know you didn't mean to die
daddy mine. Without paying your bills,
you just kinda keeled over before
you could open a fat Western wallet.
I know you're happy there, branding those
stray angels and plucking on your harp,
and sings "Buttons and Bows"
and ka-ja-jipi-a-jo-ja-jam.
Many winters ago winter,
Paleface kill my braves.
Now Yellow Cloud,
kill son of Paleface.
How! How. Me likem send
message, my girl Penelope.
Harvard University, Boston Mass.
Care, tool house, girls entrance.
Message? Me found no
money. Me plenty trouble.
You borrow money. Send
plenty. Sign, Sam Pontiac.
Heep big Chief Sam Pontiac.
Here, wampum.
Hey chief! Here's your answer! It says:
"You gottem no
money, you get lost!"
Signed: Heep Big Penelope.
The big double crossing
little Heep! And to think
she was going to be
mother of my idiot papoose!
I hope she can't keep up
the payments on the ring!
Thanks for the wardrobe.
Never trust any fillys from Boston!
Psst! Psst!
Gazuntite! Watch that.
Psst! Psst!
I was just checking his hat
size. 8 and a half AA. Thank you!
I'm donating a large portion
of my vast wealth to charity.
I'm going to see every
horse gets a new Easter outfit.
I'm sorry, those trousers
won't be ready until tomorrow.
I had to cut a hole on the side
so he can get his tail through.
Wouldn't be comfy walking around with a
seat full of hair. Well, times a wasting,
and I have to get down to
the livery stable for more fitting.
Livery stable? So you can
get into your horseless carrage
and skedaddle out of town
before your 2 days are up!
Your just your old Pa!
He was the lyingest,
crookedest, mangyest,
rottenest, lowdown critter
that never drew a sober breath.
Say, you really knew my daddy!
Didn't ya.
You sir have cast dispersions
on my dear old daddy!
That brave, lowdown, mangy, crooked
drunken hero who won the West.
And If you weren't as
weak and as old as you are...
You are weak and old, aren't you?
You are! Put up your dukes! Come
on in the name of my dear old daddy,
who lies sleeping in a Boston
cemetery, I demand a satisfaction!
If I didn't defend the
honour of the Potter name,
my Daddy would
turn over in his grave!
You know, nobody's going
to have any suspicions of two
fellows hanging around
just to get their wagon fixed.
Lucky those two bumped
into us. You know I've got
a hunch that he's going
to run us into more luck.
Good evening! How's our wagon coming
along? Gonna be ready by tomorrow.
That soon, huh?
We figured you might
be too busy seeing to that
college fellow didn't
sneek out of town town.
If he tries to leave town,
I'll smash his brains in!
I wouldn't do that, you might
get in trouble with the law.
Be just as easy to unfix his
transportation. We'll be seeing you!
You kinda got interested in young
Potter's son's life. Didn't you Roy
You know Doc, I'm
interested in alot of things!
I am interested in music...
And I am interested in
Mr. keep Potter in town.
Unless I miss my guess,
his father's gold will
create alot of interest
with a certain party.
Five thousand, 30 thousand and 35 thousand.
And I know where the next bundle is coming
from. Since when are you make the plans?
Something you otta know Mike,
this afternoon... I know.
A couple of strangers,
medicine men came into in town.
I don't mean them... Junior Potter came
from the east to get his father's gold.
Alright fellas!
I'll take care of Mr JR. Potter.
This is going to be my own private party.
And where do I come in?
Don't ever come to a party unless
your invited! Forget about Mr. Potter.
As soon as I get him under a full
moon, I'll empty his father's chest.
So you see boy, that's how I know that
chest of your Pa's was as empty as his head.
Dad's head wasn't empty.
I know 'cause Mother
used to rattle it for
me when I was a baby.
Your Pa and me were partners boy.
Paleface Potter and Ebeneezer Hawkins.
Prospecting by day
and prospecting by night.
Hey, tell me about the nights?
Take some! Don't you
get the demitasse size?
You look pale, you're
color has left your cheeks.
I know, my blood's going down to
my hip pocket to count my money.
Your Pa wouldn't put
his gold in the bank. He
didn't trust banks. He
was too crafty for that
But he hid the gold somewhere!
This water is warm.
Well then your Pa had to
get back to Boston before
he had a chance to tell
me where he hid the gold.
But he must have told you. Dad was
too crafty, to tell anything to an idiot.
Stop feeling bad boy!
You gotta start thinking!
Your Pa must have said something. You've
got to remember where he hid his gold!
'Causen if we find it boy, we'll be rich!
Gold! Gold!
Millions and Billions! Gold!
Gold! I've got goldshot
eyes. Gold! Gold!
Steady Ebe! We did that bit.
Now you got to start thinking.
No wonder that water was warm!
Hey, Doc, there goes our bait.
Sure good to hear you dreamt to
settle down in Sawbuck Pass boy.
Smile. Smile. Yes, I
was thinking seriously
of squandering my
fantastic fortune here here.
Sort of a endowed
college branch of Harvard.
Sawbuck endings
with a built-in lampoon.
We better stick close. Yes, if your
right he should lead us to the Torch.
I remember the time that
daddy was telling me about when
he fought a redskin with one hand tied
behind his back. Beat him to a pulp too.
Of course it might have
been a diffrent story if that
redskin hadn't had one
hand tied behind his back.
Oh daddy loved killing Indians.
He didn't consider his day complete
unless at least one redskin bit the dust.
Some of those dopey looking
Indians bit so much dust
that they had to brush
their teeth with a wisk broom.
I thought you were wood! Like...
You've heard of wooden Indians, huh?
Come in! Sorry, no table without
a reservation. Do you get it?
That's a joke like in...
Well. You see, I'm the
son of Paleface. You've
heard about Paleface,
the great Eskimo fighter?
Hated Eskimos, hated 'em. They taught
him how to rub noses and I inherited this!
I was. Well...
Don't take any wooden Indians.
I mean wooden nickels. Wooden nickels.
That reservations pretty funny.
You know... Oh well.
That's the big difference
between Dad and me.
Having an education, I believe
on letting Indians live.
Poor old Dad never had any schooling.
He was a selfmade moron.
Course I'm different I only
associate with intellectuals.
This sounds like
a intellectual joint!
Glad you got your formal on!
How am I doing? Fine boy!
We got 'em fooled!
Now keep acting like your
your Pa's chest is loaded.
But keep thinking... I
keep thinking of this. Well
Hold on folks!
Hold on!
You all know Junior, son of
Paleface, the rich millionaire!
I've been making speaches
all day and I'm a little
tired. But I guess you
want me to say a few words.
The drinks are on Junior Potter!
Those weren't words!
Now act like you got millions.
Sign the checks like your Pa used to.
And remember your not a mouse, your a man!
You peeked!
Give this millionaire something
that'll put hair on his chest.
I've got hair on my chest. Give me
something that will part it in the middle!
What'll you have? I'll
have a "Horse's Neck".
How about you? No
use killing two horses?
Your father's favorite drink.
One Paleface special, coming up!
You having a
straight celery tonic?
Aren't you glad you
wrote that letter to Santa?
Did you think of anything yet?
I'll say. She's really
got it. She's got what?
I don't know, but if we can be
bottled it, we could make a fortune!
Bury this kid, he's dead!
What's the matter?
Don't you like girls?
I'll stick to horses, mister.
That's ridiculous!
That's the boss of this
place! She's rich. Rich?
You mean she's got money too?
She's got pubs around
California. She's not
so bad around North
and South Dakota either.
How about "California Rose"?
"Cloud in my Valley of Sunshine"!
"Am I in love"! Hold it fellas, one at a
time! Let's have "Buttons and Bows".
That's a favorite song of my wealthy
daddy, Paleface Potter. Melancholy Baby!
What would you like, Mr. Potter?
What would I like? Can't we discuss
the matter in a nice quiet place?
Like the cellar of my hotel?
Or maybe you'd like to take a
stroll through the rock quarry?
You see, at college I
majored in geology and
anthropology and running
out of gas in Bunkerhill.
What's your name, honey?
My friends call me Mike.
That's a pretty masculine
handle for such a
feminine pot of goodies.
Mind if I take pot luck?
Maybe the girl don't want to be bothered.
Sir, I resent this intrusion!
You have the nerve,
the audacity the guts!
Pardonne-moi, ma'am.
You have the guts to interrupt.
Again, pardonne-moi ma'am.
Now, vamoose!
Now let's see. Where were we?
Put that gun away!
Yah. Let that be the thought for the day.
I otta blowout his yellow liver!
Blowout my liver? You'd mess up
the onions. Put it away! You heard her!
Give me back my yellow liver,
it matches my spine.
You know I don't believe in shooting. Someday
you'll be sorry your so tender-hearted.
Tender heart never won tender liver.
I always say.
I guess I was pretty stern with him!
How about that deal in the cellar...
Excuse me, ma'am...
Your excused. I'm talking to the lady.
Who do you think I'm talking to, a duck?
Just a minute! Let the man talk.
We don't need him. Yes.
I happen to know the
song the stranger requested.
Would you like to
sing it? Fine, fine!
Here we go!
What do you got in your pockets?
Excuse me.
Well, let's have it!
Here's mud in my throat!
Put a head on it!
Yes? Sorry!
Who's there? It's Junior Potter,
boy millionaire. Can I come in?
I'm taking a bath! Can you come out?
I mean when you're through taking a bath.
I'd to take for a little spin
in my horseless carriage.
We can park in some nice dark spot and I
can show you the luminous dial on my watch.
I mean, we could palaver
and sort of figure out
the best way to lavish my
rich daddy's fortune on you.
Well I'd love to talk about
your daddy's gold.
But don't get the idea I'm mercenary.
I like you for yourself Junior.
The way you look. I think you're
the handsomest man in the world!
I wouldn't say that, but
I appreciate your honesty.
Now that I know how you
feel about me, I wanna releave
your mind and tell you I'm
not going to play hard to get.
Before you know it you'll be kissing
me full on my soft, warm, red lips.
Oh how I envy her!
I'd be very happy to take a ride with you
Junior. As soon as I get out of the tub.
Out of the tub? Really?
You should have heard that line.
No. No I couldn't do it! It
wouldn't be fair! I'd be a cad!
Besides, my eyeball
might get stuck.
Look let's go! My car
is parked down at the
livery stable. I'll meet
you there at midnight.
You run along now, Junior.
Oh no, I wouldn't
think of leaving you unprotected
like this. You being in the water
A couple of Annapolis men
might come along, and you
know how those sailors are.
Anchors away and all that!
I'll stand right here and guard your door.
Little lady!
Hup two three four.
Yes? Good bye!
You got no time
for romance, boy!
You got to think! I've been
doing plenty of thinking.
I didn't go to college 14 years for
nothing! I've got it all figured out.
It just so happens, the richest girl in
town is crazy about me. You mean Mike?
By tomorrow she will
be Mrs Mike Potter.
Don't you get it? I marry her. This
is California. Community property.
I divide her money. With my half,
I'll pay my stingy old daddy's bills.
The rest is gravey. But we'll
have that woman on our hands!
Please, keep your
hands out of my gravey!
Now if you give me your word you'll
take a bath, you can be my best man.
Well, here we go!
Where is it?
Open them up wide Ebe. I going to
wiz on to fame and fortune. Crazy...
Hey Junior!
So long Ebe! Say you've grown in
the last few minutes. I ain't growed.
They took your tires boy. to keep you
from getting out of town. Took my tires?
How dare they? Don't
they realize I'm a Harvard
man and my gravey is
getting cold. Where are they?
My tires! My tires!
Where are they?
They're up there Junior,
chained to the rafters.
How do you like that? Now I have to
cancel my date until tomorrow night.
It's not human for a girl to
wait 24 hours, even for me!
Why you four legged glue pot!
I hope all your children have
fat mounted policemen on them!
I was only joking! No
sense of humour, get out.
Manager! Where's the manager? Don't get up
madam, I just came in to use your window.
Looks like your plans are working out, Roy.
I need help, governor. Anything I can do.
Alright. Start those gold shipments
moving again tonight. Tonight?
Oh, that's dangerous Roy
until you get your man. Man?
There's romance is in the air Govener. I
figured it's about time I got myself a gal.
Wow wee. Live a little,
that's my motto.
Oh, you want a tintype of a fabulous
millionaire huh? Well, go right ahead!
Come, come boy! Let's not waste any time!
Who do you think you are, Cecil B. DeMille?
Somebody call me?
Well you could have fooled me!
Watch the little birdie! Ready, boy?
Oh ready, master.
Watch the birdie!
Oh dear!
What a dirty birdie!
Yahoo! Get along little doggie. Mosey,
sashay, a mode de jour bunkhouse.
Man, in this outfit I'll
have her paying for
the marriage licence
out of her own pocket!
Don't be too sure.
Don't forget this is the West,
Where men are men.
That's what she likes about me.
I'm a novelty.
Sorry, partner!
I gotta be careful, if
I break my fingers I
have to slice the wedding
cake with my nose.
Watch your step, Junior!
That's her horse is in the second stall.
I'll keep her busy.
When get through, give me a signal.
Right. I'll file a mark on the shoe.
The gold will be moving
through Snake Canyon at
9.00 o'clock. It's almost
8. You haven't much time.
I thought you said your
date was with a dude. It is.
I don't like my gal getting
friendly with other men.
I told you what to do.
Well, do it!
I'd like to reward you
for your serenade mister.
You know there isn't
another man in all these parts,
could buy my lips
for any amount money!
Hey, cowhand, if your not going to
buy, please don't handle the merchadise!
You're late. I didn't think
you were coming, Junior.
Thanks kindly for the rose, Miss.
Where I hail from, we don't
cotton to folks what cotton other
folk's gal, that don't cotton
to folks that cotton to them.
That's cotton talk, see.
I apologize mister.
Well you do?
Well then beat it! The whole kit and
kaboodle of you. That's kaboodle talk.
I love coffee, I love cream. Here
comes the captian of the team! Yahoo
Help! Where are you? Up here, Junior.
Don't go away, I'll be right there.
Why don't you come over here?
I just met a bee that
wants to tell us about birds.
I didn't aim to be late but I was busy.
I was sashaying my
mavericks and ran them astray
buckboards until I was
plum horned swaggled.
By the time I got to my car some plumber
done swaggled my horse. Well, cozy!
Okay, gal! Get lucky!
Now take it easy Mr. Potter! We
have the whole night ahead of us.
The whole night?
Well I gotta work fast honey!
Now wait a minute!
Come over here.
Sit down and I'll go
and mix you a cocktail.
Don't go, gal!
But the shaker is in the other room.
Ok, shake it here, I want to watch.
Do you mind if I smoke?
I kinda like to keep my
lips busy while you're gone.
Ah music! Music and a big yellow
moon moseying in betwixt of clouds.
There's nothing like music
and a big yellow moon!
To keep a bit of hankering for the
bunkhouse doing the sagebrush ooh-la-la.
To us! Yes, may we both stay
as beautiful as we are tonight.
To the future and very
wealthy Mrs. Potter.
Let's dance, gal! I'm aiming to sharpen
my spurs with some fancy footwork.
I'd love to dance with my future husband.
I'll lead.
One two three four.
One two three...
You alright?
Come on! Wake up!
No, no more for me. I'm driving!
C'mon honey, wake up! What?
You're standing on my toes!
Oh I am? Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh my, it's nine o'clock!
Nine o'clock already?
We've been dancing for an hour, darling.
You must have been in a
daze ever since I kissed you.
You kissed me? I don't even
remember you kissing me.
You don't? No.
Here, let me refresh your memory.
How do you know she's going to marry you?
You can't trust a woman.
I tell you, you wanna be thinking!
Leave me alone, I'm tired.
Dancing all night!
Sure you're tired.
What am I supposed do? Sing you
a lullaby? Yes, sing me a lullaby.
Nice sweet lullaby.
Like my daddy used to sing.
Every night my daddy used to sing...
That is it!
That's it!
Say Ebe. Ebe. Ebe!
Wake up! Ebe. Ebe, listen!
Rock-a-bye-baby on the tree top.
When the chest
falls the bottom will drop.
Don't you get it? That's the way
my daddy used to sing it to me...
The chest must have a secret bottom!
Don't you listen?
Rock-a-bye-baby on the tree top.
When the chest falls
the bottom will drop.
Ebe! Ebe! Wake up! We're rich!
The gold must be there!
Nothing in the world can stop me now.
With this money I can live!
Our hunter was right!
Look at this!
It's a marked shoe. I'd like to
see her talk her way out of this!
We made a very profitable raid last night.
Somebodys wise to us! But who?
We gotta find out before they move in.
Boss, we just saw the guitar
player. He trailed your horse.
The shoe was marked!
The guitar player! A Fed!
The guy you got sweet on!
You and your plans!
My plans included an alibi.
My horse might have been there,
but my educated fiance will prove...
that I was in his arms at nine o'clock last
night. We're in the clear.
Mike, your on! Alright!
I'll meet you at the bridge as soon as
I collect my alibi's tidy little fortune.
Guitar player!
My good friends!
Have no fear!
I will pay...
my dear daddy's bills.
Ya? Duck, oops! Duck.
Who's there? Ebeneeze!
Come in!
Welcome! Why go through life with
your head in the same shape all the time?
Where have you been? I've been
getting the lead. Lead, what for?
Well you can't lug an empty chest
out of a bank. They get wise to you.
You gotta make look like it's heavy,
full of gold.
Until we can investigate
your pa's secret bottom.
But they'll see carrying all
that stuff to the bank. Nobody
will see nothing. If'n you
hide the lead in your pants.
Lead in my pants? Well that's undignified
for a Harvard man. Nothin doing!
You suggest that once more and you'll
find out the true color of my blood...
Is yellow. Okay here, hide the lead.
Careful now!
What did you put in there, a battleship?
Hold up! Let me talk!
I tell you, you got
the boy all wrong.
He's going over to get
his money and count it out!
You'll all be paid.
Here he comes now!
You'll get paid tonight folks.
I'm loaded. Boy am I loaded!
Take it easy, son!
Junior! Don't leave me!
Where did everybody go? Oops! I'm eating
too many raisins, I'm breaking out in iron.
I'll get it. Ok, fine! I'll get it.
Ahh, that's better. That's swell!
Good afternoon, Miss Mike.
Good afternoon.
Nice white horse you got there.
Yes, I just got him in time to take me
my wedding with Mr. Potter.
I had a brown horse you know
but somebody stole him last night.
Shame! I liked him alot.
You like animals, eh? Then it's
only humans you have a beef against?
I find that animals
mind their own business.
Then if you don't like humans.
Why are you getting married?
Oh, I'm not marrying a human.
I'm marring Mr. Potter.
I found out last night.
That when it comes to love
Mr. Potter's an animal, a ball of fire!
What did you do?
Light a torch under him?
You figured everything out
think haven't you Mr. Federal man?
Federal man?
Why Miss Mike, you got me all wrong.
See, I'm just a wondering minstrel.
Come on Mike! We'll let you
try on the bridal suite for size.
You got no case, Roy.
She has a perfect alibi for last night.
You just keep her in there sheriff.
I'll break her perfect alibi.
Sounds hollow but how do you get to it?
Your pa hid something, he really hid it.
Ya, I remember once my aunt said
he hid in a broom closet for 2 weeks.
Of course my mom didn't know the
maid was in there with him.
A the gentle rapping of a woman.
Oh you darling!
Soon I will have all your money!
Bye darling! Open up or I'll
break this door to smithereens!
Junior, look here!
It's in your pa's handwriting!
It says "To my young idiot son, Junior and
my old idiot partner Ebeneezer Hawkins".
From Paleface.
He spells idiot with two "Ts"!
Hold 'em off, Junior! Hold 'em off.
You always do the dirty work, don't you?
Gold hidden in the
hotel in Sterling City.
Junior the gold is here!
We're rich! I found it! We're rich!
Let's see it! We're rich. We're rich.
We're rich. We're rich. We're rich.
Check your main spring!
Let me see that will ya. No, no!
You might tell someone where
the gold's hid. Me? But I won't...!
Nobody will see it!
Hey, wait a minute!
We are rich! We are rich!
We're rich. We're rich.
Well come in! It was kinda chilly and
we just burning some old money.
It's empty!
That ain't gold. "Ain't" is vulgarism
frowned upon in polite circles.
Since "Isn't" is the
contraction of "is not".
Remember the verb motifier rule
"I nay sanctorus regalorum".
Which means. "You ain't laying
your dirty paws on me fat boy!"
If anything happens to me boy, you'll
never know where the gold is.
They'll contact me in Sterling City!
Take a message from the spirit world!
Out of the way!
Out of the way!
To the hotel!
I've got to get to Sterling City!
Wups. Forgot no tires.
Sterling City, here I come!
Why he's headed for the desert Roy.
Ya, he's our one chance to
keep the Torch behind bars.
We gotta get to him
before the buzzards do!
Ahh, this is great!
Fine time to conk out on
me you, you mechanical rat!
Just when the gold
is within my reach!
I otta pull the hair out
of your seat by the roots!
Hey, Martin and Lewis!
No hitchhikers please, it's a state law!
Get off!
Alright, alright.
Remember no smooching in the balcony!
Two days! He must be crazy with
the heat by now. You never can tell!
This heat might tend
to make him sane.
Stop staring at the menu!
You think I'm a buzzard burger, your mad.
The heats getting
me I tell you, the heat!
It's that desert madness.
That's what they call it.
You getting kinda dizzy?
Sure, sure that's the first sign.
It's usually accompanied
by a ringing in the ears.
Excuse me. Helloooo!
Who? Cambridge 823?
No, Penelope, not now. No no.
I'd like to, but I'm taking a
shower with a couple of friends.
Thirsty, aren't you? You want water huh?
Stare! Go ahead, stare!
You'd die for water!
Water! Water!
It's only a mirage.
You thought I'd be fooled, didn't you?
I know when it's a mirage when I see one.
I'm a college man!
Who said you had
to dress for dinner?
Don't shake your head
to me in that tone of voice!
Ask them if they saw
a white man go by.
I was peaches, I was cream.
I was captain of the team.
Hey Ebe! Where are you?
Here I am Ebe, it's Junior!
How charming!
Looks like a Yale dormitory!
I can't drink that,
the glass is cracked.
Fine hotel, hot and cold running dirt.
Hey Ebe! Ebe, are you still here?
Or did you find the money?
First mirror I've ever
seen with a hangover!
Oh hi Ebe! Say I've been looking for you.
Did you cut yourself shaving or
did you have a high tooth pulled?
Ebe! Ebe! Ebe!
Wake up! Wake up!
He's dead, Junior. Dead?
It seems that way.
I wonder who did it?
Why did you kill him? You fool!
It was his own fault. He wouldn't
tell me where the gold was hidden.
When I get out of here...
When you get out of here,
the boys and me
will be long way off.
You ain't making no plans, no more Mike!
Why don't you start being honest Potter!
Your going to hang for killing Hawkins.
So you might as well come clean.
Where was the girl that
night about 9 o'clock?
I told you. I told you!
We were dancing!
Come on Potter we haven't
got much time, so start
talking and start fast!
The quick brown fox
jumped over the lazy dog.
The quick brown fox
jumped over the lazy dog.
The quick brown fox
jumped over the lazy dog.
The quick brown fox
jumped over the lazy dog.
Listen Doc, I'll stay here until I break
him down. You report to the governor.
Well is it alright?
He might get away in his car?
Not a chance, I hid the crank.
And he can't get away
on Trigger because Trigger
is a one man horse and
nobody can ride him but me.
Woh woh! Where are you going?
Down, down!
Stay on your feet!
Where do you think you're going?
You can't go upstairs,
you're not registered!
Hey, what's the idea?
Mike, you know I love you. I loved
you ever since I first time saw you Mike.
Leave those covers where they are!
Lay off the covers I tell you!
Do you want me to steal your teeth?
We can do this all night if
one of us doesn't give up.
Did you see the governor?
I never got that far Roy. The
Torch broke out of jail last night.
She'll be heading for Potter. If she gets
there first well never break her alibi.
Hey honey, here I am! I'll meet you
in the lobby, third cobweb from the left.
Boy am I happy to to see you!
Hey Mike darling.
You came here to save me, huh?
Save you? Who from? From the horse lover.
Old saddle soap britches.
He's been keeping me
prisoner. He's been trying
to get me to say I
wasn't with you that night.
Where is he? I don't know but he'll
be back. We gotta get out of here.
They've they been abusing my baby?
I hate to tell you who
I slept with last night.
Those cold hoofs in my back...
We'd better go!
This is a nice and quiet
place, let's stay here awhile.
Quiet? You can get a room with
an adjoining hole in your head.
I'll be right down. This could
be our honeymoon hotel. Honeymoon...
You mean our honeymoon?
Yours and mine.
Without a preacher?
Why I asked a preacher to meet us here.
Oh boy! I know this is going to
be a happy marriage because...
You're a woman, and
I'm a man, and those are
the people that usually
get married. Mike...
As soon as you get rid
of those whiskers.
That'll be easy, I used to pluck
turkeys at a Boston market.
Don't go away, I'll get dressed.
I gotta go and freshen up Junior,
but you're a dear.
Your an antelope.
Later on we'll go out the range and play.
Where's Mike?
Right behind you!
Boy what a wife!
You'll be great when it
comes time to chop the wood!
Put him in the chair. He don't
need a haircut, just trim his up a little.
Put him in the chair!
Yes Madam!
Say. What are you going to do?
Get around behind him and hold him.
That's right, tie him up so
he won't bother us.
It's going to be real fun
honeymooning in Niagara Falls!
My daddy spent a whole
week there in his honeymoon.
Laughing, loving, drinking champagne.
He had so much fun there, he kinda
wished mother could have been with him!
You'll love it there! You can see the
sights and take a shower at the same time.
Hey, he's not tied tight enough,
I can still move one of my arms.
Which one? This one here, see?
Ah, that's it! Now I couldn't
get out even if I tried. I couldn't?
Hey honey, what am I a wedding present?
Look, I'm gift wrapped! Shut up!
Shut up? You can't talk like
that to me until after we're married.
She's not going to be
marrying anybody.
She's going to kill us both. Not
me, that'll would be silly!
Besides it would take a little of
the kick out of my honeymoon.
You're not so smart,
Mr Federal man.
I don't have to kill you either
one of you gentlemen. They'll do it.
They're coming to get the Harvard man,
but they'll get you too. So long gents!
Just a minute, Miss Delroy!
So you found out my real name too.
Yes, and I found out your father was
swindled out of his fortune by old Paleface.
Mike. The governor knows
an injustice was done you.
You haven't killed anyone yet.
So why start now.
I'll do all I can to get you
off with a short sentence.
How do I know you're telling the
truth about the short sentence mister?
You'll just have to believe me.
We'll talk about that later.
I'll stop the Indians before it's too late.
Son of Paleface, there!
Alright, don't stop,
I'm beginning to like it.
I must have been crazy!
All my life I'm going around knocking
on doors with my hands.
When Trigger sees the spot we're in,
he'll get us out. He's got horse sense.
If he had sense,
he wouldn't be a horse!
Help! Help! Let me down!
My nose will bleed!
Close the door.
Were you brought up in a barn?
Trigger, the knot. Untie the knot!
Hurry up!
They're coming!
Stop tasting it! Bite it!
Fine government agent you are.
No guns.
You think you'd be ready
for a situation like this?
As a citizen and taxpayer almost I...
Gee dad! It's a Winchester!
Boy, if you had a bass fiddle,
we could could hold this fort all winter!
There's too many of them.
I can't fight them off alone.
Ah, force yourself.
I'll get you a gun. I'm with right you boy.
Don't stand there, get something!
There's your gun! Go get it!
No dice! What?
That means "Me go out there?"
There's another gun.
Listen, just how big a coward are you?
I was the captain of the Olympic team.
Hey, the kid with the beach
blonde tail isn't doing anything.
How about him going to get it?
Your dad would sure be ashamed of you.
I certainly am!
Pa! Daddy! It's me!
Your own flesh and idiot.
Don't shame the name of Potter!
Go get that gun!
Oh, but those Indians?
It's hot out there!
It's hotter where I come from!
This "H" don't stand for Harvard, son.
Now get out there!
Ya, but I'll get killed and I'll be dead
like you! You think that's bad?
You all whistling for me, honeychild?
She's from the south end of the furnace.
She's got a younger sister.
Free, red and twenty-one.
I'll get the gun! I thought
you afraid to die? Not anymore!
One side boy, I'm taking over!
You sure fooled me Junior. That was
really shooting! Ya, I've been around!
We haven't got a chance just the
two of us. Three of us.
You sure stopped those Indians.
Well, I'll stop a couple right now!
Listen, Junior and I
will try to hold them off.
You ride into Sawbuck Pass and tell
Doc Lovejoy to send out the cavalry.
They shot my horse out from under me!
You drive her, Junior. You stole my crank!
I hid it under your seat. No wonder I
had trouble walking! Come on Mike!
Hey look!
The moose got shot in his jackpot!
It's gold! It's my daddy's gold!
That's where he hid it!
C'mon! Wait.
We'll need some for our marriage license.
Ho Paleface, take off!
Junior, look!
Beat it or your going to make
the whole thing unbelievable.
Hand me that bag! What?
The bag, in the back seat.
Hey Junior!
There's your wheel! Come back!
Go get my wheel, I'll hold that.
If we lose three more wheels,
we'll have to think of something.
Hurry up! Hurry up!
This is impossible!
I'm going to town.
You keep them following you.
I'll go to town. You
keep them following you!
Junior we're stuck!
Get out and do something!
I'll get out, but I guarantee nothing.
The Indians are coming!
Get in front and pull!
Pull, it's a nice thing
to say to Harvard man!
We're moving! We're moving!
Either that or the scenery's slipping.
Junior, I don't know
how to drive this thing!
Where are ya?
I'm down here checking the oil.
Hey Junior, there's a big
rock in the road ahead!
Don't hit it or we'll
loose two rear ends.
Hey! We've got a hitchhiker down here!
Bring the gold upstairs and hurry up!
Get the wagon!
Need any help?
Back to the bridge!
You're going back the same way!
Alright alright!
I'll marry you!
Happy day for you hey Junior?
Your wife getting out.
Yes, she finally
served her sentence.
I'm taking her back to Boston.
You've sure been a faithfull husband
waiting all these years.
It wasn't so bad.
After all I saw Mike on visiting days.
But you know, it wasn't
any fun talking to the woman
you love through a wire screen.
Well here she is now!
Let's see them top this on television!