Son of the Mask (2005) Movie Script
[instrumental music]
[dramatic music]
[thunder rumbling]
[music continues]
(Neuman) 'The Mifulu represent a fascinating example'
'of failed culture.'
'The people of the Mifulu'
'communicated entirely in rhyme'
'although that's actually less impressive than it sounds'
'because their language only contained one vowel.'
'Also, if you've noticed'
'the only artifacts we've been able to unearth'
'are primitive musical instruments.'
'The Mifulus had plenty of drums'
'guitars, harmonicas and the like'
'but no weapons or tools.'
So, in essence, they had rhythm, they had music
but they had no hammers and spears
so, they died.
In any case, this brings us
to the final room of the tour
and my personal favorite..
...the Hall of Norse Mythology.
[thunder roaring]
This is Odin, chief divinity
of the entire Norse pantheon
"The Allfather," as he's called.
And these paintings depict some of Odin's many sons.
That is Thor, God of Thunder
with his mighty hammer.
And this is Balder, God of Beauty.
Who's that ugly guy?
Oh, I was just about to get to him.
That's Loki, Norse God of Mischief.
'He was also known as "The Trickster."'
[screaming]
As the youngest son of Odin
Loki was the black sheep
of the Norse mythological family.
His constant mischievous pranks
were an endless source of embarrassment
'to his father and his siblings.'
He was, in other words, a bratty little brother.
[laughing]
And Loki's ultimate tool of mischief was this
the mask, which he created
'and tossed down to Earth thousands of years ago'
'to create mayhem among the mortals.'
'For, according to legend'
the wearer of the mask is imbued with the powers of Loki himself.
- Is that true? - No, of course not.
If it were, I'd be wearing it myself.
[laughing]
'No, no, it's textbook mythical allegory.'
'Loki represents the "id"'
'the suppressed parts of ourselves'
'and the mask is the tool which unleashes the id.'
I go into this very topic
in my critically-acclaimed book.
Now, of all the Aesir Gods.. Excuse me, sir.
Please don't touch the mask display.
Of all the Aesir Gods
Loki was the only one who could shape shift
change his form, even turn himself into a woman.
A woman, man alive, lock up your sons and daughters
around that twisted piece of fruitcake, hey, doc?
Well, I guess that's one way of putting it.
Anyway, Loki brought nothing but shame to Odin and his ilk.
'In fact, Loki was such an unruly child'
that Odin ultimately locked him up in chains
far beneath the Earth.
(yelling) He did not!
[thunder rumbling]
[dramatic music]
[yelling]
[zapping]
[dramatic music]
[electricity crackling]
- Good God! - And don't you forget it!
[people screaming]
Apparently, you do not agree with my theories.
[glass shatters]
Finally!
- This is a fake! - Yes, but it's a good fake.
Ow. Sir, that is museum property.
Oh, I'm sorry. Let me replace it.
Wh.. What are, what are you doing?
Perhaps, I should inform you I suffer from vertigo
and I have a lawyer.
Hello?
Where's my body? Come get me.
- Yeah. Oh, yeah. - Hold it right there!
Hmm.
[gunshots]
I don't like it here.
Thanks for dropping by.
- Dropping? - Bye.
[thuds]
[screaming]
[clattering]
Where's my..
...mask?
[instrumental music]
[birds chirping]
[music continues]
[music continues]
(Tonya) 'Who's a happy baby?'
'Who's a happy baby?'
[speaking gibberish]
Oh, Clare, he's amazing. Honey, look at him.
They said he's very alert for his age.
He's going to be a genius
just like his brothers and sisters.
Little Tommy's starting Junior Mensa next week
'and Clancy just took his first potty poop.'
Oh, look. Honey, he just took his first poop.
Good poop, Clancy!
[yelling]
[grunting]
Whoa, Captain Underpants
'watch your aim, he's gonna need those.'
- You okay? - Yup.
Here. Mm-hmm.
So, when are you two gonna have one for yourselves?
Oh..
[dramatic music]
It's a boy.
And a girl!
Twins?
And another boy!
- Girl. - Boy.
- Girl. - Boy.
Girl, boy, girl, boy..
[babies crying]
[screaming]
- Tim! - Oh!
[sighing]
Phew.
Okay, I'm just gonna say it.
That was flat out embarrassing.
The mere mention of the word "baby"
and your throat seizes up like you swallowed Drano.
After seeing those kids
Drano sounds like a good option.
[laughing]
- Honey, just think. - 'Yeah?'
If we have a baby, you'll have someone
you can play video games with.
Mm-hmm.
[device beeping]
Hey!
You'll have someone you can relate to.
Okay, honey, look. I know you're upset, okay?
But can I ask you one question?
What?
Who's a fish? Who's a fish?
Tim, stop it. I mean it.
Hm, look, babe, who's a turkey?
[Tim imitating turkey]
- I'm serious! - Who's a rabid dog?
[growling]
Ow!
- Who's Hannibal the Cannibal? - Stop it.
- Jeez, babe. - Okay, I'm driving.
(Tonya) 'Driving, driving here!'
[instrumental music]
- Ugh. - Honey, slow down.
You know I can't run and apologize at the same time.
Come on, Tonya. I'm not saying I don't want to have a baby.
I'm just saying I don't wanna have a baby right now.
So, why not? Why not now?
- Because.. - Ugh.
Wha.. Babe!
Tonya! Ton-ton..
[sighing]
Hey, Otis.
[whimpers]
You got room in your doghouse?
[barking]
[music continues]
Here you go. Here you go. Yeah!
'Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.'
Up. Yeah! He-he-he-he!
You're good, aren't you? Now, get in the hole.
[barking]
'Tretiak's in the net for the Soviets.'
Paul Henderson's out of the penalty box.
He's on the break! He shoots!
Oh, what a save!
What a comeback! Oh!
Free beef jerky for everybody!
And the ice is being pelted with Kibbles 'n Bits.
What's this?
Now, Otis, how many times have I told you?
If you're gonna steal something
steal something with a little value.
That's what we're looking for.
Get up here, come on. Come here.
'Thanks, pal, your kissing'
'is getting a lot better.'
You don't want a baby right now, do you?
[whimpers]
[sighing]
He said it.
Mm.
[whining]
[thunder rumbling]
[yelling] Loki!
Dad?
I-I mean, Oh, Masterful Odin, is that you?
Have you found your mask, Loki?
I found a mask, but as it turns out, it was a fake.
Then why are you relaxing on this beach?
I'm just taking a few moments reprieve--
Nonsense!
That mask has caused enough
mischief and malfeasance among the mortals.
I curse the day you created that thing.
Why don't you just use that all-seeing eye of yours
and tell me where it is?
This is your mess
and you will clean it up!
'You're a God! And start acting like one!'
Now, find that mask
before I open up a can of lightning on you!
[dramatic music]
Do you need anything while I'm out, I'm just gonna go
make a baby with the neighbor.
- Honey, come here. - What?
Look! Look at all this stuff.
I've been trying to do this for ten years
of my life, creating these shows and..
[sighing]
I just need more time.
Okay, I get it, okay?
You want your own show
and I want you to have your own show.
You're so good!
But I also..
...really, really wanna have a baby.
So, what do we do?
I want our child to be proud of us.
Both of us.
And if somebody asks that child
"Hey, what does your mommy do?"
He's gonna say, "Oh, she's the managing director
of Apt Apparel."
They'll say, "Cool."
When they say, "What does your daddy do?"
They'll say, "He's a, he's a.."
Hey, boys and girls. I'm Torpedo Tortoise!
Here at Animagine, your dreams come true.
There's so much fun here for me and you.
Animagine in the morning, Animagine at night.
If watching cartoons is wrong
I don't wanna be right.
And here's one for you.
Halloween party's tomorrow night, homes.
- Got a costume? - No.
Hey, maybe you could go as a turtle.
Thanks, Chad.
I can't believe Chad got promoted again.
When the executives look at me, all they see is a tortoise.
Hey man, you want things to change
you gotta make 'em change.
'You ever pitch to the top man himself?'
Daniel Moss? Hell, no.
Well, then it's time to man up, my road dog
because there he is.
(Tim) 'Oh, my God. He never eats lunch down here.'
He's too busy being an animation God!
Then it's fate, man.
You gotta go over there and say
"Yo, I am Tim Avery, and I've been
"slugging away in this costume for six months now
and I got an idea for a show and you need to hear it."
Be aggressive, man.
If a bug bites you, bite him back!
Oh, you mean like you have with Sylvia?
Shut up.
You know, maybe I should.
- Should what? - Just walk up to Daniel.
(Tim) 'I mean, he's just a guy, right?'
- Right. - What do I have to lose?
You got nothing to lose, man!
- I'm gonna do it. - Are you crazy?
[dramatic music]
Hey, Torpedo Tortoise.
Hi.
Something I can do for you?
Um..
Actually, yes. Yes, you can.
Um, see I've been in the turtle suit for a while now
but, uh, I'm a trained animator.
'I went to school and everything'
and, um, I got an idea for a show that, uh..
...you gotta hear.
Cool. Lay it on me.
Now?
So, what did he say?
That my ideas lacked spark
but the door was always open.
- Well, that's a good thing. - No.
It's always open so he can push
guys like me out of it.
(Tim) 'Come on, Otis.'
'Otis. Come on.'
Come on, boy. Come on, Otis.
Thank you, Otis.
[mellow music]
[laughing]
Ah!
You're so sweet and thoughtful.
Which is why you'd make such a great dad.
- What are you wearing? - Oh.
Well, I was gonna go as a werewolf victim
but Otis ruined my mask.
Well, honey, you know, we've got so much stuff around here.
I don't know, just wear that thing.
(Tim) 'This?'
I can't go as this.
'Everyone at Animagine always goes'
all out with their costumes.
This is the crappiest piece of crap in craptown.
Be a lot less crappy if you went with me, though.
I know, but I can't. I gotta finish the Orion brochure.
- You know what? - Huh?
Go to the party..
...have fun..
...and when you get home..
you can tell me all about it.
[upbeat music]
[engine rumbling]
So lame.
Whoa! What the..
[dramatic music]
[mumbling]
[zapping]
[instrumental music]
- 'Whoa!' - 'Whoa!'
Don't you just love Halloween?
- 'Whoa!' - 'Whoa!'
Trick or treat.
Hardy-har. Let me see your work ID, please.
- ID? - No ID, no party.
Where did the wife put that invitation?
[metal clanging]
ID, not IV.
Excuse me. He-he. My bad.
Maybe I left it in my other pants.
(female #1) 'Crazy!'
Okay.
[instrumental music]
Here's your drink.
[groans]
This party is embarrassing.
Can't we stir things up a little?
- I'm on it. - Go get 'em.
[grunting]
Who's that green guy?
You better cover up, young lady.
You might catch a chest cold.
Ah.
[whooshing]
What am I thinking?
- Whoa! - Oh!
- Hey! - Oh!
- 'Whoo!' - Ah.
- Jorge. - Sylvia.
Thank you, God.
[instrumental music]
You're just too good to be true
I can't take my eyes off of you..
Boo! Boo!
Now, hold on. Where is everybody going?
Whoo! Alright. Alright!
- Boo! Lame! - Whoo-hoo!
Yeah! Fringe city in the house!
Yeah, yeah. What? What?
This is the part where you dance
This is the part where you boogie
This is the part where you dance
Shake your booty shake your pants like this
Shake your pants Shake it shake it shake it
Shake your pants like this shake your pants
Uh-uh uh-uh uh-uh uh-uh uh-uh uh-uh
Ladies let me hear you you're just too good to be true
Yeah good to be true can't take my eyes off of you
I love you baby you'd be like heaven to touch
Mm-hm
I wanna hold you so much
Yeah yeah
At long last lovers arrive
And I got 'em alive
You're too good to be true
Can't take my eyes
Can't take my eyes off of you
Yo
[instrumental music]
Pardon the way that I stare
No one else who can't compare
The sight of you leaves me weak
There are no words left to speak
So if you feel like I feel
Please let me know that it's real
You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off of you
[horse neighs]
[upbeat music]
I love you baby
Don't bring me down I pray oh pretty baby
Now that I found you stay
And let me love you baby
Let me love you
You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off you
You'd be like heaven to touch
I wanna hold you so much
Ha-ha-ha
At last long love has arrived I thank the Lord I'm alive
You're too good to be true I can't stop watching you
Can't take my eyes off of you
Too good to be
[instrumental music]
I love you baby Put your hands in the air
And if it's quite alright
I need you baby Even if you don't care
To warm the lonely nights
I love you baby All the ladies on the left
[cars honking rhythmically]
Shake it shake it shake it shake it shake it shake it
Oh pretty baby All the fellas on the right
Don't kick me down I pray
Oh pretty baby
Now that I found you stay
Yeah let me love you baby
Let me love you..
[laughing]
This is the part where you boogie
This is the part where you dance
[all cheering]
[whooshing]
Honey, I'm home.
(gasps) Babe, what's gotten into you?
Let's find out.
[instrumental music]
[alarm beeping]
[thuds]
[beeping continues]
[beeping stops]
[gasping]
[breathes heavily]
That was off the chain last night, guru.
Y-you were a whirling dervish of craziness, homes.
Hey, um, did you, did you use holograms
for, for all that, that stuff?
Whoa, Avery, I didn't know you had it in you, man!
Yeah, well, me neither.
- Tim Avery? - Yeah.
Daniel Moss would like to see you in his office.
Do you have a minute?
[clicks tongue]
[instrumental music]
This has potential.
Come here. Come here.
This has that spark I was looking for.
'I mean, not to be crass about it'
but this guy, this could be a franchise character.
How'd you come up with this?
M-my dog brought it to me.
Oh, yeah, if we knew where the great ones came from
we'd go there every day, right?
[chuckles] Yeah.
Listen..
...I think we could do something with this.
How would you like to move up to the second floor?
Where is it? Where is it?
[grunting]
Otis, you know that mask you were chewing on?
The wooden one? Where is it, boy?
[whimpers]
Find it and I'll take you to see Venus.
You know, that cute little Jack Russell
you're always trying to jump?
Yes, I think you guys would make a good couple.
I don't know. I don't speak Doberman.
Babe! I got incredible news!
Really? I think I do too!
- Really? What? - Um, you go.
- No, you go. - Okay, I'm gonna go.
- Babe, let me go. - Okay, go.
Guess who got moved up to the second floor?
[gasps]
[scatting]
Oh, God, that is so great! I am so proud of you.
Oh, then it was meant to be.
What's meant to be? What's your news?
[laughing] I've been feeling really funky all day
and you're not gonna believe this.
I'm not gonna believe what? Tell me! What? What?
Okay. I think I might be..
- Pregnant. - Yes!
[laughing]
Oh, but how can that be? 'Cause we..
That can't be, we just..
Who's a fish? Who's a fish?
Where's the trashcan?
- Where's the trashcan? - Oh!
[retching]
[bubbles pop]
- Is that normal? - No.
And what's worse, it's not covered by insurance.
[instrumental music]
Baby face
You got the cutest little baby face..
He goes here, here comes running.
And bam! In his face.
Baby face
Honey, that's our baby.
You sure have started something
Freak out
[upbeat music]
When I play the Maracas I go
Chik chiki boom chik chiki boom
Baby face
I'm up in heaven when I'm in..
Hello there.
- Wow. - What?
I-I think my water just broke.
Really?
(female #2) 'It's a boy!'
[baby crying]
[music continues]
Oh, Alvey.
Say hello to your son.
Uh, hello there, son.
I've been waiting to meet you
for nine months now.
Whoa. He's got a killer grip.
But dad counteracts with his Pinky of Doom.
[mumbling]
Hey, do you know who I am?
I'm your dad.
[crying]
[yelling] Loki!
There was a baby born of the mask!
Damn! Where's my mask!
Sir, y-you're gonna have to pay for that.
[shattering]
The advertisement said they were authentic!
They are authentic.
They're authentic Pakistani
Norse Mythology masks.
Okay. Now, let me think.
What should I turn him into?
[grunting]
(as Odin) Loki!
Dad?
Fool, what in Helveti
were you about to do to this shopkeeper?
- Nothing, I was just-- - Fool!
Don't you dare lie to me.
You know, Thor never gave me this kind of trouble.
Oh, here we go again with the Thor crap.
Thor, Thor, Thor. You know, father, I'm not like Thor.
I'm never gonna be like Thor.
I just wish that, can't you just
love me for who I am
and not for who I'm not?
No! I want you to be more like Thor!
Now, I've wasted enough time here.
I felt a tremor.
A child has been born of the mask!
Wow, a baby's born of the mask
so, that sort of makes me kind of like a dad, huh?
- Find it! - The, the baby or the mask?
Find the baby
and you will find the mask.
Right.
(Tim) 'Tonya, have you seen Otis?'
(Tonya) 'He's in his new doghouse!'
'Who's a happy baby?'
'Who's a happy baby?'
[indistinct chatter]
(gasps) You like these, huh? They're pretty!
Honey, honey, honey, just a second ago
he was counting the balloons.
'He held up five fingers.'
That's great, hon. I gotta go.
Daniel brought in Chad to backstab me..
'Oh, I mean help me, and I gotta get to work'
before he helps me out of a job.
Hey.
What do you think, Double A?
'Would you watch this, huh?'
'Hey, hon, I know I've asked like a million times but'
you happen to see that mask I was looking for?
You know, the wooden one.
Okay, a billion times, and no.
Why do you need it so badly?
I don't need it. Who said I need it? Don't need it.
- Bye. - Bye.
Bye. Say "Bye, daddy." Bye, bye.
Bye, bye. Here. You want another one?
Okay, watch, watch, watch.
[blows air]
[baby cooing]
[growling]
[instrumental music]
[buzzing]
[Loki thinking] "I want you to be more like Thor."
Oh, what a jerk.
Oh, hey! It's my ear, nose and throat guy.
Odin thinks he's so great.
Hello! No one even worships you anymore.
I could have been a doctor if the SAT weren't
so culturally biased.
Now, let's see. Oh, infectious diseases.
That always cracks me up, oh!
Maternity ward.
Okay, first, I find the magic baby
then downstairs to the cafeteria
for some Jell-O brick.
Who do you have to sting to get some answers in this place?
Bingo!
Okay, here we go.
Buckle up. Ha-ha-ha!
Oh, hold on tight. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.
Okay, baby, this is gonna hurt you
more than it's gonna hurt me.
[laughing]
Ah!
[groaning]
Okay, let's start
with, uh, July 27th.
Babies born on that day.
Oh, my. Why are there so many babies born?
[whirring]
- Who are you? - You.
- Me? - Who?
[screaming]
[baby crying]
[upbeat music]
I thank the Lord for the night time
Lord for the night time
To forget the day Forget the day
A day of up uptight time Up uptight time
Baby chase it away Chase it away
I get relaxation Oh Lord the night time
And it's a time to groove A time to groove
I thank the Lord for the night time
I thank the Lord for you
[crying continues]
Talk about plans now baby I got plenty..
It's okay. Sleep.
[whining]
Okay. Bottle.
...just one time I'm feeling good
I thank the Lord for the night time
To forget the day Forget the day
Up uptight time Up uptight time
Baby chase it away Chase it away
I get relaxation Oh Lord the night time
And it's a time to groove A time to groove
I thank the Lord for the night time
I thank the Lord for you
Sing there
[music continues]
[crying continues]
- It's okay, baby. I got him. - Okay.
[moaning]
[alarm blaring]
[screaming]
Tim. Tim.
- Okay, it's my turn. - No, no, no.
- It's okay, sweetie. It's okay. - It's my turn?
He's asleep. He's asleep.
But, baby, can you go in late to work today?
'My office just called.'
'Um, they're sending me to New York for a week.'
[Tim yelling]
- Hey, where are you going? - I-I'm, I'm sorry, Daniel.
My wife's gotta go out of town for work. It's just a week.
But, but I have to take care of the baby.
Hey, you gotta do the kid thing, I understand.
Just unfortunate timing. The network called.
'They wanna see our green guy thing by the end of the week'
but I'll just put Chad on it.
- I'm on it. - What?
I said I need to be home, as in my house
but I didn't say I couldn't work.
Line up the pitch. I'm on it.
And I won't let you down.
Cool, try to give it that spark I saw at the Halloween party.
Okay.
I left all the phone numbers on the refrigerator
and you need to give him a bath before he goes to bed
but don't get any water in his ears
'cause he freaks out a little bit.
Um, and if he gets cranky
you just put him in his car seat
and play the Baby Mozart CD
but don't just pop him in front of the TV
it's gonna make him stupid.
Um, uh, if you feel like you're drowning
just go see Betty down the street.
She has like ten kids.
- Honey? - Yeah.
Do I have to mash his bananas?
Okay, you're gonna be fine.
Can I say goodbye?
Mommy loves you so much. Okay.
And mommy loves you too.
- Mommy, I can't do this. - Huh? You can.
- I can't. - You can.
- Mommy. - Huh?
Honey, take him.
Bye.
- 'I love you.' - Honey, take him.
- Honey, take him. - Bye.
Bye.
[crying]
Okay. Alright, Alvey.
Okay. Alright. We're gonna have a good time.
Here we go. Come on. Yes.
Look at the pretty colors.
[crying continues]
Oh, look! Ah-yee!
Fun, right?
Look at me! I'm happy, I'm happy.
[crying]
[rooster crowing]
Okay.
Okay, buddy.
It's just you and me this morning
and we're gonna have fun and gonna play.
You excited? Okay.
[telephone rings]
- Hello? - Hey, buddy.
(Jorge) 'Can you get down here now?'
'Daniel's asking for you.'
No, I can't come in right now.
I'm stuck here with my kid.
(Jorge) 'You'd better think of something.'
'He wants to see your drawings'
'before the pitch on Friday.'
Alright, I'll do the drawings now
and I'll fax 'em over after lunch.
- 'Alright.' - Okay, bye.
Hey, pal!
Daddy's got a teensy-weensy bit of work to do.
So can you be a good boy and let him?
[cooing]
[Alvey farting]
[telephone rings]
- Hello? - Honey, hey!
Hey, hon', how you doin'?
So, how are you and Alvey doing?
Oh, we're doing fine. Yeah, we're doing great.
Two little peas in a pod. How's your thing going?
(Tonya) 'Good, uh, he loved the comps'
so now we just gotta rush it all into production.
'So, how's Alvey?'
'Is he eating? How's he sleeping?'
Hold on, hon'. Somebody wants to talk to you.
(Tonya) 'Hi! How's my little womping wompet?'
Oh, I miss you, I just want to kiss you
and kiss you and kiss you!
Okay, hon'. Yeah, he loves you too.
- Hurry home. Bye. - Okay, bye.
Aw.
Well, isn't it great
that her work is going so well?
- Ma? - Yes.
Ma and her career are just..
- Did you say ma? - Mama.
Oh, my God! You said mama!
Well, can you say dad or dada?
Mommy.
That's great! You're doing great!
But come on, say dada. Dada.
Mother.
[dramatic music]
[tires screech]
(Loki) Timmy Tyler, are you my mask baby?
[instrumental music]
[tires screeching]
[doorbell ringing]
- Yes? - Good afternoon!
- May I come in? - Ah..
What a lovely abode.
Oh, my, and such a lush carpet.
You're exactly the kind of person
the Vacuummeister 3000 was invented for!
Well, if I don't clean up, no one will.
That is why you need the Vacuummeister 3000!
It has dual sweeps, durable air paths
jiggle control, multi-Teflon coated filtering
and it's built with a direct-drive design
that is so powerful, it sucks the dirt
off the dirt!
- Is that safe? - Allow me to demonstrate.
Oh, don't you need to plug it in?
Nope.
[screaming]
(female #3) This is a terrible demonstration.
[gibberish]
Hello, you little...ugly thing.
Let's see if you're the one, hm?
Bend. Morph! Shape shift.
Well, do something for Odin's sake.
[squeaks]
[dramatic music]
No!
I think it's time to introduce you
to man's best friend.
And I don't mean you, Otis.
[whimpers]
Okay.
Mommy doesn't want me to do this
but what mommy doesn't know
won't hurt mommy.
Oh, look.
[laughing on TV]
- 'Hey, wait a minute.' - 'We don't like your attitude!'
Keep an eye on him, will ya?
[indistinct chatter on TV]
(Barney on TV) 'Look at Bam Bam.'
[gibberish]
Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!
(Betty) 'Bam Bam looks miserable without Pebbles.'
[dramatic music]
Bam.
[instrumental music]
[panting]
[snoring]
[laughing on TV]
(Alvey) Bam, bam, bam.
[music continues]
[whimpers]
[sniffing]
[zapping]
[upbeat music]
[screaming]
[clattering]
[clattering]
[screaming]
[clattering]
[growling]
Smoking!
[croaks]
Hello my baby hello my honey
Hello my ragtime gal
Send me a kiss by wire
Baby my heart's on fire
If you refuse me honey you'll lose me
Then you'll be left alone
Oh baby telephone
And tell me I'm your own
Everybody do the Michigan Rag
Every Mame and Jane and Ruth..
Stomp romp pomp the Michigan
Jump clump pump the Michigan Rag
That lovin' rag
[croaks]
[panting]
Please don't talk about me when I'm gone
Oh honey though our friendship ceases from now on..
[screaming]
[growling]
[instrumental music]
[Alvey laughing]
[explosion]
[explosion]
[laughing]
(Tim) I don't know how. I don't know which end is up.
I'm running on fumes.
Yeah. Yeah, well..
[paper crinkling]
I don't know.
'Yeah, I still got the kid.'
'Oh, God, you have no idea.'
Man, they just suck the life out of you.
'I don't know what I'm gonna do with him.'
'I think I may be onto something for my pitch, though.'
I don't know, it's just..
Hello my baby hello my honey
Hello my ragtime gal
Send me a kiss by wire
Baby my heart's on fire
If you refuse me honey you'll lose me
[screaming]
Oh baby telephone
And tell me I'm your own
[gibberish]
[screaming]
[laughing]
[screaming]
Yow! Ooh!
[clamoring]
[clattering]
Hi, 9-1-1? I already told you.
My son is bouncing off the walls!
Yes, off the walls, the couch and the ceiling.
Hello? Hello? Hello?
Everybody do the Michigan Rag
Everybody likes the Michigan Rag
Stomp romp pomp the Michigan
Jump clump pump the Michigan Rag..
Betty!
Everybody do the Michigan Rag
Everybody likes the Michigan Rag
That lovin' rag
(Betty) Don't stop, little..
- Yeah? - Betty!
[cooing]
I need your help.
- Tim, what's wrong? - Uh, uh..
Well, Tonya said if I ever needed..
You know.. Oh, uh, well, if any..
If I saw anything weird.
It's Alvey. It's Alvey. It was Alvey. See?
He was, he was bouncing
and he, he did the Woody laugh, you know..
[imitates Woody laughing]
And he was singing.
Well, lots of babies his age sing.
Vaudeville?
Okay, I'll show you. Okay.
Okay, okay. Here we go.
Go on. Sing.
[instrumental music]
Go on, Alvey.
Do it.
Do it. Sing, damn it!
- Sing.. - Tim!
- He's a baby. - Exactly my point.
[dramatic music]
[doorbell rings]
I'm here to unclog your throne.
[grunting]
(Loki) Oh, Jason Kemperbee
be my baby.
Come on.
Hook me up. Show me the magic.
[crying]
[squeaks]
Alvey. Put that down.
That's mommy and daddy's.
Please put the fax machine down.
[clattering]
Okay.
You want some juice? Here, you want some juice?
It's okay. Here you go, Alvey. Have some juice.
Yeah, you like juice.
See, Alvey? Daddy's not gonna hurt you.
Whoa! Hey! Hey! Hey!
No! Hey! Hey! Ah!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!
[Tim screaming]
[rattling]
(Alvey) 'Rattle.'
[groans]
[Alvey mumbles]
[rattling]
[giggling]
[instrumental music]
[sizzling]
Kaboom!
Aw, poor baby.
[laughing]
Huh? Oh!
[panting]
[sizzling]
[dramatic music]
Uh-oh.
[explosion]
[groaning]
[screaming]
[whimpering]
If they could see me now
That little gang of mine
Eating fancy chow drinking fancy wine
All I can say is wow looka where I am
Tonight I landed pow right in a pot of jam
What a set up holy cow
They'd never believe it
If my friends could see me now
Lord if they could see me now
[dramatic music]
[horn blares]
[doorbell rings]
- Yes? - Hi!
Would you like some Thin Chocolate?
[dramatic music]
[squeaks]
[instrumental music on TV]
[grunting on TV]
Yeah, you can run, but you can't hide!
[explosion]
Transformers
[laughing] Uh..
Alvey?
Y-you wouldn't do that to dada, would you?
I'm your dad.
C-can you say dad?
Dada?
Madre.
[instrumental music]
This is too much too handle.
I mean, this is insanity.
Dancing..
[Otis growling]
No. No.
Shh.
[laughing]
[thuds]
Fire!
Bull's-eye!
[squeaking]
Hm.
[giggles]
Here we are by the baby!
[instrumental music]
[laughing]
Oh, yeah. Who's the dog?
Who's the big dog.. Whoa!
[grunting]
[screaming]
[crash]
[whirring]
Whoa!
[screaming]
[piano music]
[grunting]
[clangs]
[Otis screaming]
[clattering]
[screaming]
[grunting]
[glass shatters]
[screaming]
[panting]
Aah!
[glass shatters]
[car horn blaring]
[clattering]
[whirring]
[grunting]
Mommy!
[screaming]
[splashes]
[screaming]
[whimpering]
[squeaking]
I surrender.
[fluttering]
[tires screeching]
[glass shatters]
Bye-bye.
[instrumental music]
[gags]
Oh, shoot.
[laughing]
Uh..
[laughing]
- He-he! - Stop it!
This is insane!
[laughing]
Point it down!
[breathing heavily]
- All done? - Mm.
[splashing]
[instrumental music]
[doorbell rings]
- Hey, I'm Rod. - Get in here!
Okay.
Uh, take a look at this.
Hey, what a cute little baby.
- Oh, of course! - Mind if I take a look at him?
No, go ahead. I don't care really.
Come on. Do something crazy.
Yeah, do something crazy!
Crap!
[grunting]
Damn it. This isn't the right one either.
Hey! What are you doing?
I left your package in the foyer.
Do I have a package? Okay. Whatever.
Fine. Okay. Uh, I don't know.
[thuds]
[thuds]
(Loki) Oh, well.
[exhales] Ha-ha-ha!
What happened?
You did this to me. I know what you're doing.
You're trying to drive me crazy.
'You're a cunning little mastermind'
who will stop at nothing until I go
completely insane.
Well, come on.
Start dancing again.
Start screwing with my mind!
[screaming] Start it! Huh? Come on!
Why aren't you screwing with my mind?
Maybe I am just going crazy.
(Alvey) 'Maybe I am just going crazy.'
'Maybe I am just going crazy.'
Maybe I am just going crazy. Maybe I am just going..
[both screaming]
[squeaks]
[instrumental music]
That's it, buddy, first, I'm taking you to a pediatrician
then I'm taking you to an exorcist.
[creaking]
[retching]
(Tim) Who are you?
Oh, my G..
My son is the devil. My son is the devil. Oh.
Oh, my Odin, it is him.
[dramatic music]
(Tim) We're just going to have a nice little drive
while daddy has a nervous breakdown.
[engine revving]
(female voice on record) 'Please leave a message.'
Tonya, it's Betty.
You said I should keep an eye out
and call you if there are any problems?
I think there's a problem.
[instrumental music]
[tires screeching]
(male #1) No parking there. That's a handicapped zone.
Hey! Sir?
Hey, wait!
Stop! You!
Hey!
[grunting]
What is it?
- Ah! - Okay, where is the mask?
- What? - The mask.
My mask. Where is it?
What are you talking about? Who are you?
- I am Loki, God of Mischief. - Yeah, and I'm Tim.
God of Crazy Babyland. Will you get out--
That baby is born of the mask, my mask.
- Now, where is it? - Born of the mask.. What?
Oh, so that explains why he could pee like that!
But wait a minute. This is my baby.
I don't care about that. Just give me my mask!
- I don't know where it is. - Oh, really?
Maybe this will jog your memory!
[cocks]
[gasps]
- Loki! - Dad?
[Odin's voice] I've warned you! You've left me no other--
I don't have time for this.
Look, dad, there's Balder.
[instrumental music]
(female #2) 'Watch it.'
[gasps]
[clangs]
- Just give me the mask. - I don't have it.
I think my dog ate it.
That is the oldest excuse in the book
and I've read some really, really old books.
But if you want to do this the hard way..
...so be it.
[dramatic music]
[gasps]
[whimpers]
[explosion]
Oh, you're good.
[instrumental music]
Whoa.
[giggles]
You really are a chip off the old block.
But I don't have time for this. Prepare to feel my true power!
[fire crackling]
(as Odin) Loki!
You have defied me for the last time.
I've had it up to here with you!
Dad, please listen to me. You're holding the baby.
Silence!
- You have left me no choice. - Listen, listen.
You are hereby stripped off your immortal powers
and forever banished to the land of mortals.
No! Please, hear me out. That baby..
[screaming]
[zapping]
[giggles]
Whoa.
[instrumental music]
[clanging]
[whimpering]
Pretty.
[cell phone rings] Hello?
(Jorge) 'Where the hell are you, homes?'
'Your pitch meeting is starting right now.'
Um, I just met Green.
- Loki. - 'Snap out of it.'
(Jorge) 'Where are you? I'll pick you up.'
What's the deal, Tim?
I get you a network pitch and you repay me
by showing up 20 minutes late
looking like an escaped mental patient?
- And with a kid? - Huh?
[clearing throat]
This is Tim Avery.
He created the character
so, why don't I just let him tell you more about it?
'Tim?'
'Tim?'
[sighing]
Guys, I could walk.
I-I guess he didn't like the pitch.
I just.. I wanna get all my stuff and..
(Tonya on voicemail) Tim? Pick up the phone!
Tim! Betty just called.
She's completely freaked out!
'Oh, God. Uh, call me the second you get this message.'
(Tim on phone) Hey, it's me. Uh, got your message.
Well, things are really great here.
Uh, me and Alvey got chased by a guy named Loki.
Well, that's not important.
I pitched, uh, my show today
and, um...I got fired.
Yeah.
Um..
...but Alvey pooped
which is good, and, uh..
[sniffles]
And Alvey saved me.
It was amazing.
But, uh, the main thing is, uh, we're totally fine.
Everything's great. Um..
Better than fine, actually.
Alvey's great.
I love you. Okay, bye.
[sighing]
Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh-ooh ooh
I well I see trees of green
And red roses too
I watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
I hear babies crying and I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than we'll know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh-ooh ooh
[whimpers]
[dramatic music]
[clattering]
[grunting]
Whoa!
[grunting]
[squeaking]
[clattering]
By Kylvie, King of Svitjod
Houthedy and Yppor.
I summon thee, God of Gunningap.
- Nifleheim, Kvelge-- - 'Tim?'
Tim? Is that you?
Tim!
[screaming] Kvelgemir!
[dramatic music]
Who summons Odin, Allfather of the Gods?
- Shh! Shh! - G.. Loki?
- You'll wake the baby. - Oh, sorry.
Loki, is that you?
Tim? What are you doing in there?
You did the conjuring ceremony by yourself?
- I pay attention. Sometimes. - But you don't have the mask!
- Well, yeah, that's why I-- - Rules are rules, Loki!
- And I specifically-- - Hey!
Could you just stop lecturing me for one minute and listen?
I found the baby. He's right there.
- That child is strong. - Mm.
Very strong.
I had him before, I was this close..
...but you took my powers and they got away.
So, please, father
give me my powers..
...and I will give you the mask.
Very well.
'Your resourcefulness pleases me'
'and your mother says we should be trying'
positive reinforcement
whatever the Helveti that is.
So, as a reward
I shall grant you a reprieve.
You have until the sands have fallen.
Oh, hey, hey. Wait, wait. Hang on.
- Hm? - I want to sync up.
Ready...now!
[beeping]
Don't disappoint me, Loki.
Use your powers wisely and complete your task.
This truly is your final chance!
[wind howling]
[zapping]
[exhales]
[instrumental music]
Tim?
'What's going on up there?'
Tim Avery, what are you doing in there?
Hmm. Nosy neighbors.
[sniffing]
Aah-aah..
[sneezes]
[Otis whimpering]
[instrumental music]
[sighing]
[yawns]
- Guess who? - No! No!
[screaming]
Tim, snap out of it!
Tonya?
- Is that you? - Of course, it's me.
What are you doing up so late?
- And where's Alvey? - Seriously?
- Is that really you? - No, you idiot.
Oh, God. Ah! What.. I..
Oh, jeez.
Bro, listen.
I'm a God. I can shapeshift.
I can create stuff out of nothingness.
I can alter the fabric of reality
so, please, quit being a knucklehead.
- What do you want from us? - Oh, don't worry.
I'm not gonna hurt you..
[sighing]
...yet!
This baby was born out of the mask
and I want my mask back!
'Meet me in exactly one hour.'
[clinks]
[sizzling]
So you find the mask and meet me at..
Hm. Where shall we meet?
Um, how about Red Lobster?
It's always so difficult getting a table there
especially on Fridays when they..
- There's a wick burning. - Well..
(Loki) How about we meet in an alley in the city?
- There's a wick. - Met at one before.
- Sure, it's a little cliche.. - Sir, your..
'...so cliche that I think to myself'
"Wow, that's too cliche!"
- But, it-it-- - Meet me in that alley!
Within the hour..
...with the mask..
...if you ever want to see your little monster again.
No!
[firecracker popping]
Alvey! No-o-o!
[door creaks]
What.. Tim?
Tim?
Alvey?
Oh, God. Tim!
[Tim screaming]
Tim..
What're you doing? What're you doing?
Tim, what are you.. Ah!
Ahh!
What the hell is wrong with you? Get off of me!
Get out of there, Loki! Where's my son, you mongrel from hell?
[groaning]
- Tim! Ah! - Tonya?
To..
Tonya! Oh, it's really you.
- Oh, my God. Betty was right. - Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
- You have gone crazy. - No, I haven't.
I thought I did, but I didn't.
Where's Alvey?
- Okay, don't freak out. - Where's Alvey?
- 'You're freaking out.' - Where's my baby?
- Loki t-took him. - Took him?
Man! Did you call the police?
- 'No, I--' - Oh, my God.
Tonya, listen!
This is an emergency! My son is missing--
- No, Tonya, listen! - My son..
The police can't help us!
He's the freaking God of Mischief.
All he wants is his mask, which Otis is wearing.
And if I can just figure out where Otis is, I can just..
Of course!
Our child is missing and you're worried about the damn dog?
This is crazy!
[gasps]
See what I'm talking about?
Now, you're gonna have to trust me
and get in the car, because I know
where Alvey is and I know how to get him back
because I know the one place Otis the moose would go.
And they called it puppy love
[gibberish]
See, there's this really cute pooch, Venus.
Otis?
[growling]
Otis!
That's not Otis! That's a green critter.
[growling]
I'm sorry, okay?
I've ignored you and, uh, I've been impatient
but I need you, buddy. Loki, that guy that made the mask?
He wants it back. He has Alvey.
And he's a bad guy, Otis.
He hates dogs.
[growling]
He doesn't realize that dogs are truly man's best friend.
- Huh? - You heard me.
You're this man's best friend.
[gibberish]
But Alvey's my son
which sort of makes you like his big brother.
'And when he grows up, he's gonna be your bestest friend.'
But right now, he needs you, and he needs that mask.
[growling]
Alright.
[instrumental music]
So, I guess you're kinda cute, huh?
[chuckles]
Um, can you, like, do anything you want like me?
I mean, can you do this?
[whooshing]
[whooshing]
Wow!
Well, look at you!
You're just a little outlaw, ain't ya?
[cooing]
Okay, hombre.
Let's see how tough your rawhide can be.
[dramatic music]
[wind whooshing]
Gotcha. Heh-heh!
[gunshot]
Pfff! I like it!
So, you like games, huh?
[chuckles] Well, you'd better watch out
'cause I've got a game that no one can beat me at.
Super Twister!
[cooing]
(Tim) It's just around the corner, right here.
Here we go.
Come on baby
Let's do the twist
Come on baby
Let's do the twist
Take me by my..
Isn't this fun?
[both chuckling]
Hi.
Twist baby baby twist
Ooh yeah
Just like this
Come on little miss
And do the twist
You know, that's cheating.
[laughing]
[brakes screeching]
[crashing]
[yelping]
No fair! That crash threw me. Rematch!
[dramatic music]
Okay, you give me Alvey, and the mask is yours.
[dramatic music]
I can't let go. I've grown attached.
- Alvey! - Hey, we had a deal!
I'm the God of friggin' Mischief
what did you expect?
[barking]
[screaming]
[dramatic music]
[growling]
[thud]
[yelping]
- Huh. - Hey, Loki.
Honey, you look hot.
Give me back my son!
Um.. No.
[swoosh]
Honey, I think it's time we trade up.
[music continues]
[barking]
[engine revving]
Buckle up, baby.
[engine revving]
Listen to Loki, kid.
Dads are overrated and I speak from experience.
Ah, there's nothing like a Sunday drive.
You wanna have some fun, kid, you stick with me.
[engine revving]
[gasps] Huh?
Oh!
Alright. It's time to lose them for good.
[music continues]
[engine revving]
Oh, look out, look out, look out!
[Tonya screaming]
(The Mask) Yahoo!
[Tonya screaming]
[both screaming]
Hey, babe, look. No hands. I'm kidding.
Let's just finish this.
Now, where did he go?
- Hmm.. - Uh, honey?
I think, maybe, there.
[instrumental music]
[crowd cheering]
And here he is, folks!
The failure of Fringe City!
Yes, it's Tim "No-win" Avery!
Tim, it's Alvey. I'm gonna go get him.
Kick his can, honey.
[instrumental music]
[bell ringing]
Alright, come on.
[indistinct clamoring]
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee!
[crowd cheering]
Hi, baby. Hi, baby.
Oh, yeah?
Well, jump like a grasshopper
and stink like a skunk!
[The Mask farting]
Caught me with my mouth open!
You can't fight me if you're locked in a trunk.
Huh?
[laughing]
[grunting] I'm coming, I'm coming.
[instrumental music]
[glass shattering]
[Loki screaming]
[splash]
Let's get out of this dump. Come on.
(Loki) 'And Loki said, "Let there be a brick wall!"'
[crash]
'And there was! Ha-ha-ha!'
Okay!
No more Mr. Nice Guy!
Say hello to my little friend!
[screeching]
Tim! Tim!
[music continues]
(Loki) 'Here's Loki!'
Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim..
[music continues]
Wait.
This is a waste of time.
We're evenly-matched opponents.
I think we should let the kid decide.
Why, that's a swell idea.
Alvey, this is your decision.
- Pick me, pick me! - Alvey?
- I'm your real dad! - Come on, you little devil.
Let's play!
- 'Come on, Alvey.' - Alvey.
[circus music]
- Alvey? - 'Yeah, that's right.'
- Tim! - Son.
[music continues]
[gasping]
Alvey, look at me.
'It's your dad.'
There's no more superpowers.
'I-I know at first I was kind of a jerk.'
I didn't know how to handle a son.
'But you helped me grow up.'
And I wanna repay you..
...by helping you grow up.
I love you.
Come on.
- Da-da. - Oh, Alvey.
It's my son.
[laughing]
Yes.
I just wanted a friend.
[crying]
[roars]
- Huh? - Ahh!
[thud]
[thud]
[thud]
[Tonya screams]
[thud]
[Tonya screams]
[grunting]
Push! Push!
[dramatic music]
[whirring]
[Tonya screams]
[timer beeping]
[dramatic music]
Huh?
[music continues]
[wind whooshing]
[zapping]
[instrumental music]
Off the throne. He's off the throne. That's not good.
Your time is up, son.
As expected, you failed in your promise.
You failed in your quest.
You are, in every sense of the word, a failure.
And I thought your dad was mean.
Hey, we both knew it would end like this, right?
You always set me up to fail, at least in that respect
I'm living up to your expectations.
Silence!
You've brought me much pain, Loki.
Right back at you, dad.
- Hey! - Tim, no!
Hang on just a minute, Grizzly Adams.
I don't know how things work in the God world
but you're his father, he's your son.
And even if you banish him, he's still gonna be your son.
There is nothing more important in this entire universe
than your relationship with your family
especially if you're immortal.
You're like a 1000, he's like 800.
So you might as well get things right now
'and enjoy the rest of your eternal life.'
Here's the thing. Just take it.
Okay? Loosen up.
Yeah.
[chuckles]
Come on, son. Let's go home.
- 'Okay?' - 'Okay.'
Godspeed.
Maybe now, I can help you patch things up with mom?
Don't push it.
[instrumental music]
(male #1) 'A baby and a dog competing for dad's attention.'
I love it.
Simple, but it's.. It's got..
- Spark? - 'Yes.'
Where did you get the idea?
Well, I just kind of quit trying so hard and..
[barks]
...the idea just came to me.
It's great.
[dramatic music]
[cooing]
[vroom]
[screaming on TV]
Yay! Yay!
Honey, oh. Mwah!
That was such a good show!
But I think you might need to add another character.
What?
- Really? - Yeah.
[chuckles]
What do you think about that, Double A?
A little brother or sister?
How does that sound?
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
[scissors clipping]
[gibberish]
Life it sails down the ocean
It can swallow the hills of love
But you don't have to see to know
Time it can fly with the wind I
Imagine the world above
And it's all inside your mind
Would you follow me tonight
Find what the world has for us inside
With one on the way is clear
Now it's time for you both to grow
Just close your eyes and dream
Of the endless possibilities
Life it sails down the ocean
It can swallow the hills of love
But you don't have to see to know
Time it can fly with the wind I
Imagine the world above
And it's all inside your mind
[instrumental music]
There's a place that's hiding deep inside
A world that's right there fightin'
In all our lives
Life it sails down the ocean
It can swallow the hills of love
But you don't have to see to know
Time it can fly with the wind
I imagine the world above
And it's all inside your mind
[music continues]
And it's all inside your mind
Okay
Now I'm the one now
One two three oh
Like this uh
Sing with me
We are all a family Uh-huh
Sing with me
My dog is on my family tree
You know you got it baby still don't let it drive you crazy
There's no if or buts or maybes
You can be a star
You'll reach a higher score if you search within your soul
And when you have control you know who you are
Sing with me Hey-ey-ey
We are all a family We are all a family
Sing with me Yeah yeah yeah
My dog is on my family tree
Put your hands together now shake it shake it shake it
'Cause when we stick together we can make it make it make it
Get yourself together and you hide behind the mask
You can take it take it take it all you gotta do is ask
Sing with me
Hey
We are all a family
Sing with me Put your hands together
My dog is on my family tree
Sing with me Sing sing sing sing with me
We are all a family Louder louder
Sing with me Ooh
My dog is on my family tree
Sing with me Sing with me yeah
We are all a family Yeah yeah yeah
Sing with me
My dog is on my family tree
My dog is on my family tree
My dog is on my family tree
[dog barks]
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[dramatic music]
[thunder rumbling]
[music continues]
(Neuman) 'The Mifulu represent a fascinating example'
'of failed culture.'
'The people of the Mifulu'
'communicated entirely in rhyme'
'although that's actually less impressive than it sounds'
'because their language only contained one vowel.'
'Also, if you've noticed'
'the only artifacts we've been able to unearth'
'are primitive musical instruments.'
'The Mifulus had plenty of drums'
'guitars, harmonicas and the like'
'but no weapons or tools.'
So, in essence, they had rhythm, they had music
but they had no hammers and spears
so, they died.
In any case, this brings us
to the final room of the tour
and my personal favorite..
...the Hall of Norse Mythology.
[thunder roaring]
This is Odin, chief divinity
of the entire Norse pantheon
"The Allfather," as he's called.
And these paintings depict some of Odin's many sons.
That is Thor, God of Thunder
with his mighty hammer.
And this is Balder, God of Beauty.
Who's that ugly guy?
Oh, I was just about to get to him.
That's Loki, Norse God of Mischief.
'He was also known as "The Trickster."'
[screaming]
As the youngest son of Odin
Loki was the black sheep
of the Norse mythological family.
His constant mischievous pranks
were an endless source of embarrassment
'to his father and his siblings.'
He was, in other words, a bratty little brother.
[laughing]
And Loki's ultimate tool of mischief was this
the mask, which he created
'and tossed down to Earth thousands of years ago'
'to create mayhem among the mortals.'
'For, according to legend'
the wearer of the mask is imbued with the powers of Loki himself.
- Is that true? - No, of course not.
If it were, I'd be wearing it myself.
[laughing]
'No, no, it's textbook mythical allegory.'
'Loki represents the "id"'
'the suppressed parts of ourselves'
'and the mask is the tool which unleashes the id.'
I go into this very topic
in my critically-acclaimed book.
Now, of all the Aesir Gods.. Excuse me, sir.
Please don't touch the mask display.
Of all the Aesir Gods
Loki was the only one who could shape shift
change his form, even turn himself into a woman.
A woman, man alive, lock up your sons and daughters
around that twisted piece of fruitcake, hey, doc?
Well, I guess that's one way of putting it.
Anyway, Loki brought nothing but shame to Odin and his ilk.
'In fact, Loki was such an unruly child'
that Odin ultimately locked him up in chains
far beneath the Earth.
(yelling) He did not!
[thunder rumbling]
[dramatic music]
[yelling]
[zapping]
[dramatic music]
[electricity crackling]
- Good God! - And don't you forget it!
[people screaming]
Apparently, you do not agree with my theories.
[glass shatters]
Finally!
- This is a fake! - Yes, but it's a good fake.
Ow. Sir, that is museum property.
Oh, I'm sorry. Let me replace it.
Wh.. What are, what are you doing?
Perhaps, I should inform you I suffer from vertigo
and I have a lawyer.
Hello?
Where's my body? Come get me.
- Yeah. Oh, yeah. - Hold it right there!
Hmm.
[gunshots]
I don't like it here.
Thanks for dropping by.
- Dropping? - Bye.
[thuds]
[screaming]
[clattering]
Where's my..
...mask?
[instrumental music]
[birds chirping]
[music continues]
[music continues]
(Tonya) 'Who's a happy baby?'
'Who's a happy baby?'
[speaking gibberish]
Oh, Clare, he's amazing. Honey, look at him.
They said he's very alert for his age.
He's going to be a genius
just like his brothers and sisters.
Little Tommy's starting Junior Mensa next week
'and Clancy just took his first potty poop.'
Oh, look. Honey, he just took his first poop.
Good poop, Clancy!
[yelling]
[grunting]
Whoa, Captain Underpants
'watch your aim, he's gonna need those.'
- You okay? - Yup.
Here. Mm-hmm.
So, when are you two gonna have one for yourselves?
Oh..
[dramatic music]
It's a boy.
And a girl!
Twins?
And another boy!
- Girl. - Boy.
- Girl. - Boy.
Girl, boy, girl, boy..
[babies crying]
[screaming]
- Tim! - Oh!
[sighing]
Phew.
Okay, I'm just gonna say it.
That was flat out embarrassing.
The mere mention of the word "baby"
and your throat seizes up like you swallowed Drano.
After seeing those kids
Drano sounds like a good option.
[laughing]
- Honey, just think. - 'Yeah?'
If we have a baby, you'll have someone
you can play video games with.
Mm-hmm.
[device beeping]
Hey!
You'll have someone you can relate to.
Okay, honey, look. I know you're upset, okay?
But can I ask you one question?
What?
Who's a fish? Who's a fish?
Tim, stop it. I mean it.
Hm, look, babe, who's a turkey?
[Tim imitating turkey]
- I'm serious! - Who's a rabid dog?
[growling]
Ow!
- Who's Hannibal the Cannibal? - Stop it.
- Jeez, babe. - Okay, I'm driving.
(Tonya) 'Driving, driving here!'
[instrumental music]
- Ugh. - Honey, slow down.
You know I can't run and apologize at the same time.
Come on, Tonya. I'm not saying I don't want to have a baby.
I'm just saying I don't wanna have a baby right now.
So, why not? Why not now?
- Because.. - Ugh.
Wha.. Babe!
Tonya! Ton-ton..
[sighing]
Hey, Otis.
[whimpers]
You got room in your doghouse?
[barking]
[music continues]
Here you go. Here you go. Yeah!
'Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.'
Up. Yeah! He-he-he-he!
You're good, aren't you? Now, get in the hole.
[barking]
'Tretiak's in the net for the Soviets.'
Paul Henderson's out of the penalty box.
He's on the break! He shoots!
Oh, what a save!
What a comeback! Oh!
Free beef jerky for everybody!
And the ice is being pelted with Kibbles 'n Bits.
What's this?
Now, Otis, how many times have I told you?
If you're gonna steal something
steal something with a little value.
That's what we're looking for.
Get up here, come on. Come here.
'Thanks, pal, your kissing'
'is getting a lot better.'
You don't want a baby right now, do you?
[whimpers]
[sighing]
He said it.
Mm.
[whining]
[thunder rumbling]
[yelling] Loki!
Dad?
I-I mean, Oh, Masterful Odin, is that you?
Have you found your mask, Loki?
I found a mask, but as it turns out, it was a fake.
Then why are you relaxing on this beach?
I'm just taking a few moments reprieve--
Nonsense!
That mask has caused enough
mischief and malfeasance among the mortals.
I curse the day you created that thing.
Why don't you just use that all-seeing eye of yours
and tell me where it is?
This is your mess
and you will clean it up!
'You're a God! And start acting like one!'
Now, find that mask
before I open up a can of lightning on you!
[dramatic music]
Do you need anything while I'm out, I'm just gonna go
make a baby with the neighbor.
- Honey, come here. - What?
Look! Look at all this stuff.
I've been trying to do this for ten years
of my life, creating these shows and..
[sighing]
I just need more time.
Okay, I get it, okay?
You want your own show
and I want you to have your own show.
You're so good!
But I also..
...really, really wanna have a baby.
So, what do we do?
I want our child to be proud of us.
Both of us.
And if somebody asks that child
"Hey, what does your mommy do?"
He's gonna say, "Oh, she's the managing director
of Apt Apparel."
They'll say, "Cool."
When they say, "What does your daddy do?"
They'll say, "He's a, he's a.."
Hey, boys and girls. I'm Torpedo Tortoise!
Here at Animagine, your dreams come true.
There's so much fun here for me and you.
Animagine in the morning, Animagine at night.
If watching cartoons is wrong
I don't wanna be right.
And here's one for you.
Halloween party's tomorrow night, homes.
- Got a costume? - No.
Hey, maybe you could go as a turtle.
Thanks, Chad.
I can't believe Chad got promoted again.
When the executives look at me, all they see is a tortoise.
Hey man, you want things to change
you gotta make 'em change.
'You ever pitch to the top man himself?'
Daniel Moss? Hell, no.
Well, then it's time to man up, my road dog
because there he is.
(Tim) 'Oh, my God. He never eats lunch down here.'
He's too busy being an animation God!
Then it's fate, man.
You gotta go over there and say
"Yo, I am Tim Avery, and I've been
"slugging away in this costume for six months now
and I got an idea for a show and you need to hear it."
Be aggressive, man.
If a bug bites you, bite him back!
Oh, you mean like you have with Sylvia?
Shut up.
You know, maybe I should.
- Should what? - Just walk up to Daniel.
(Tim) 'I mean, he's just a guy, right?'
- Right. - What do I have to lose?
You got nothing to lose, man!
- I'm gonna do it. - Are you crazy?
[dramatic music]
Hey, Torpedo Tortoise.
Hi.
Something I can do for you?
Um..
Actually, yes. Yes, you can.
Um, see I've been in the turtle suit for a while now
but, uh, I'm a trained animator.
'I went to school and everything'
and, um, I got an idea for a show that, uh..
...you gotta hear.
Cool. Lay it on me.
Now?
So, what did he say?
That my ideas lacked spark
but the door was always open.
- Well, that's a good thing. - No.
It's always open so he can push
guys like me out of it.
(Tim) 'Come on, Otis.'
'Otis. Come on.'
Come on, boy. Come on, Otis.
Thank you, Otis.
[mellow music]
[laughing]
Ah!
You're so sweet and thoughtful.
Which is why you'd make such a great dad.
- What are you wearing? - Oh.
Well, I was gonna go as a werewolf victim
but Otis ruined my mask.
Well, honey, you know, we've got so much stuff around here.
I don't know, just wear that thing.
(Tim) 'This?'
I can't go as this.
'Everyone at Animagine always goes'
all out with their costumes.
This is the crappiest piece of crap in craptown.
Be a lot less crappy if you went with me, though.
I know, but I can't. I gotta finish the Orion brochure.
- You know what? - Huh?
Go to the party..
...have fun..
...and when you get home..
you can tell me all about it.
[upbeat music]
[engine rumbling]
So lame.
Whoa! What the..
[dramatic music]
[mumbling]
[zapping]
[instrumental music]
- 'Whoa!' - 'Whoa!'
Don't you just love Halloween?
- 'Whoa!' - 'Whoa!'
Trick or treat.
Hardy-har. Let me see your work ID, please.
- ID? - No ID, no party.
Where did the wife put that invitation?
[metal clanging]
ID, not IV.
Excuse me. He-he. My bad.
Maybe I left it in my other pants.
(female #1) 'Crazy!'
Okay.
[instrumental music]
Here's your drink.
[groans]
This party is embarrassing.
Can't we stir things up a little?
- I'm on it. - Go get 'em.
[grunting]
Who's that green guy?
You better cover up, young lady.
You might catch a chest cold.
Ah.
[whooshing]
What am I thinking?
- Whoa! - Oh!
- Hey! - Oh!
- 'Whoo!' - Ah.
- Jorge. - Sylvia.
Thank you, God.
[instrumental music]
You're just too good to be true
I can't take my eyes off of you..
Boo! Boo!
Now, hold on. Where is everybody going?
Whoo! Alright. Alright!
- Boo! Lame! - Whoo-hoo!
Yeah! Fringe city in the house!
Yeah, yeah. What? What?
This is the part where you dance
This is the part where you boogie
This is the part where you dance
Shake your booty shake your pants like this
Shake your pants Shake it shake it shake it
Shake your pants like this shake your pants
Uh-uh uh-uh uh-uh uh-uh uh-uh uh-uh
Ladies let me hear you you're just too good to be true
Yeah good to be true can't take my eyes off of you
I love you baby you'd be like heaven to touch
Mm-hm
I wanna hold you so much
Yeah yeah
At long last lovers arrive
And I got 'em alive
You're too good to be true
Can't take my eyes
Can't take my eyes off of you
Yo
[instrumental music]
Pardon the way that I stare
No one else who can't compare
The sight of you leaves me weak
There are no words left to speak
So if you feel like I feel
Please let me know that it's real
You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off of you
[horse neighs]
[upbeat music]
I love you baby
Don't bring me down I pray oh pretty baby
Now that I found you stay
And let me love you baby
Let me love you
You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off you
You'd be like heaven to touch
I wanna hold you so much
Ha-ha-ha
At last long love has arrived I thank the Lord I'm alive
You're too good to be true I can't stop watching you
Can't take my eyes off of you
Too good to be
[instrumental music]
I love you baby Put your hands in the air
And if it's quite alright
I need you baby Even if you don't care
To warm the lonely nights
I love you baby All the ladies on the left
[cars honking rhythmically]
Shake it shake it shake it shake it shake it shake it
Oh pretty baby All the fellas on the right
Don't kick me down I pray
Oh pretty baby
Now that I found you stay
Yeah let me love you baby
Let me love you..
[laughing]
This is the part where you boogie
This is the part where you dance
[all cheering]
[whooshing]
Honey, I'm home.
(gasps) Babe, what's gotten into you?
Let's find out.
[instrumental music]
[alarm beeping]
[thuds]
[beeping continues]
[beeping stops]
[gasping]
[breathes heavily]
That was off the chain last night, guru.
Y-you were a whirling dervish of craziness, homes.
Hey, um, did you, did you use holograms
for, for all that, that stuff?
Whoa, Avery, I didn't know you had it in you, man!
Yeah, well, me neither.
- Tim Avery? - Yeah.
Daniel Moss would like to see you in his office.
Do you have a minute?
[clicks tongue]
[instrumental music]
This has potential.
Come here. Come here.
This has that spark I was looking for.
'I mean, not to be crass about it'
but this guy, this could be a franchise character.
How'd you come up with this?
M-my dog brought it to me.
Oh, yeah, if we knew where the great ones came from
we'd go there every day, right?
[chuckles] Yeah.
Listen..
...I think we could do something with this.
How would you like to move up to the second floor?
Where is it? Where is it?
[grunting]
Otis, you know that mask you were chewing on?
The wooden one? Where is it, boy?
[whimpers]
Find it and I'll take you to see Venus.
You know, that cute little Jack Russell
you're always trying to jump?
Yes, I think you guys would make a good couple.
I don't know. I don't speak Doberman.
Babe! I got incredible news!
Really? I think I do too!
- Really? What? - Um, you go.
- No, you go. - Okay, I'm gonna go.
- Babe, let me go. - Okay, go.
Guess who got moved up to the second floor?
[gasps]
[scatting]
Oh, God, that is so great! I am so proud of you.
Oh, then it was meant to be.
What's meant to be? What's your news?
[laughing] I've been feeling really funky all day
and you're not gonna believe this.
I'm not gonna believe what? Tell me! What? What?
Okay. I think I might be..
- Pregnant. - Yes!
[laughing]
Oh, but how can that be? 'Cause we..
That can't be, we just..
Who's a fish? Who's a fish?
Where's the trashcan?
- Where's the trashcan? - Oh!
[retching]
[bubbles pop]
- Is that normal? - No.
And what's worse, it's not covered by insurance.
[instrumental music]
Baby face
You got the cutest little baby face..
He goes here, here comes running.
And bam! In his face.
Baby face
Honey, that's our baby.
You sure have started something
Freak out
[upbeat music]
When I play the Maracas I go
Chik chiki boom chik chiki boom
Baby face
I'm up in heaven when I'm in..
Hello there.
- Wow. - What?
I-I think my water just broke.
Really?
(female #2) 'It's a boy!'
[baby crying]
[music continues]
Oh, Alvey.
Say hello to your son.
Uh, hello there, son.
I've been waiting to meet you
for nine months now.
Whoa. He's got a killer grip.
But dad counteracts with his Pinky of Doom.
[mumbling]
Hey, do you know who I am?
I'm your dad.
[crying]
[yelling] Loki!
There was a baby born of the mask!
Damn! Where's my mask!
Sir, y-you're gonna have to pay for that.
[shattering]
The advertisement said they were authentic!
They are authentic.
They're authentic Pakistani
Norse Mythology masks.
Okay. Now, let me think.
What should I turn him into?
[grunting]
(as Odin) Loki!
Dad?
Fool, what in Helveti
were you about to do to this shopkeeper?
- Nothing, I was just-- - Fool!
Don't you dare lie to me.
You know, Thor never gave me this kind of trouble.
Oh, here we go again with the Thor crap.
Thor, Thor, Thor. You know, father, I'm not like Thor.
I'm never gonna be like Thor.
I just wish that, can't you just
love me for who I am
and not for who I'm not?
No! I want you to be more like Thor!
Now, I've wasted enough time here.
I felt a tremor.
A child has been born of the mask!
Wow, a baby's born of the mask
so, that sort of makes me kind of like a dad, huh?
- Find it! - The, the baby or the mask?
Find the baby
and you will find the mask.
Right.
(Tim) 'Tonya, have you seen Otis?'
(Tonya) 'He's in his new doghouse!'
'Who's a happy baby?'
'Who's a happy baby?'
[indistinct chatter]
(gasps) You like these, huh? They're pretty!
Honey, honey, honey, just a second ago
he was counting the balloons.
'He held up five fingers.'
That's great, hon. I gotta go.
Daniel brought in Chad to backstab me..
'Oh, I mean help me, and I gotta get to work'
before he helps me out of a job.
Hey.
What do you think, Double A?
'Would you watch this, huh?'
'Hey, hon, I know I've asked like a million times but'
you happen to see that mask I was looking for?
You know, the wooden one.
Okay, a billion times, and no.
Why do you need it so badly?
I don't need it. Who said I need it? Don't need it.
- Bye. - Bye.
Bye. Say "Bye, daddy." Bye, bye.
Bye, bye. Here. You want another one?
Okay, watch, watch, watch.
[blows air]
[baby cooing]
[growling]
[instrumental music]
[buzzing]
[Loki thinking] "I want you to be more like Thor."
Oh, what a jerk.
Oh, hey! It's my ear, nose and throat guy.
Odin thinks he's so great.
Hello! No one even worships you anymore.
I could have been a doctor if the SAT weren't
so culturally biased.
Now, let's see. Oh, infectious diseases.
That always cracks me up, oh!
Maternity ward.
Okay, first, I find the magic baby
then downstairs to the cafeteria
for some Jell-O brick.
Who do you have to sting to get some answers in this place?
Bingo!
Okay, here we go.
Buckle up. Ha-ha-ha!
Oh, hold on tight. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.
Okay, baby, this is gonna hurt you
more than it's gonna hurt me.
[laughing]
Ah!
[groaning]
Okay, let's start
with, uh, July 27th.
Babies born on that day.
Oh, my. Why are there so many babies born?
[whirring]
- Who are you? - You.
- Me? - Who?
[screaming]
[baby crying]
[upbeat music]
I thank the Lord for the night time
Lord for the night time
To forget the day Forget the day
A day of up uptight time Up uptight time
Baby chase it away Chase it away
I get relaxation Oh Lord the night time
And it's a time to groove A time to groove
I thank the Lord for the night time
I thank the Lord for you
[crying continues]
Talk about plans now baby I got plenty..
It's okay. Sleep.
[whining]
Okay. Bottle.
...just one time I'm feeling good
I thank the Lord for the night time
To forget the day Forget the day
Up uptight time Up uptight time
Baby chase it away Chase it away
I get relaxation Oh Lord the night time
And it's a time to groove A time to groove
I thank the Lord for the night time
I thank the Lord for you
Sing there
[music continues]
[crying continues]
- It's okay, baby. I got him. - Okay.
[moaning]
[alarm blaring]
[screaming]
Tim. Tim.
- Okay, it's my turn. - No, no, no.
- It's okay, sweetie. It's okay. - It's my turn?
He's asleep. He's asleep.
But, baby, can you go in late to work today?
'My office just called.'
'Um, they're sending me to New York for a week.'
[Tim yelling]
- Hey, where are you going? - I-I'm, I'm sorry, Daniel.
My wife's gotta go out of town for work. It's just a week.
But, but I have to take care of the baby.
Hey, you gotta do the kid thing, I understand.
Just unfortunate timing. The network called.
'They wanna see our green guy thing by the end of the week'
but I'll just put Chad on it.
- I'm on it. - What?
I said I need to be home, as in my house
but I didn't say I couldn't work.
Line up the pitch. I'm on it.
And I won't let you down.
Cool, try to give it that spark I saw at the Halloween party.
Okay.
I left all the phone numbers on the refrigerator
and you need to give him a bath before he goes to bed
but don't get any water in his ears
'cause he freaks out a little bit.
Um, and if he gets cranky
you just put him in his car seat
and play the Baby Mozart CD
but don't just pop him in front of the TV
it's gonna make him stupid.
Um, uh, if you feel like you're drowning
just go see Betty down the street.
She has like ten kids.
- Honey? - Yeah.
Do I have to mash his bananas?
Okay, you're gonna be fine.
Can I say goodbye?
Mommy loves you so much. Okay.
And mommy loves you too.
- Mommy, I can't do this. - Huh? You can.
- I can't. - You can.
- Mommy. - Huh?
Honey, take him.
Bye.
- 'I love you.' - Honey, take him.
- Honey, take him. - Bye.
Bye.
[crying]
Okay. Alright, Alvey.
Okay. Alright. We're gonna have a good time.
Here we go. Come on. Yes.
Look at the pretty colors.
[crying continues]
Oh, look! Ah-yee!
Fun, right?
Look at me! I'm happy, I'm happy.
[crying]
[rooster crowing]
Okay.
Okay, buddy.
It's just you and me this morning
and we're gonna have fun and gonna play.
You excited? Okay.
[telephone rings]
- Hello? - Hey, buddy.
(Jorge) 'Can you get down here now?'
'Daniel's asking for you.'
No, I can't come in right now.
I'm stuck here with my kid.
(Jorge) 'You'd better think of something.'
'He wants to see your drawings'
'before the pitch on Friday.'
Alright, I'll do the drawings now
and I'll fax 'em over after lunch.
- 'Alright.' - Okay, bye.
Hey, pal!
Daddy's got a teensy-weensy bit of work to do.
So can you be a good boy and let him?
[cooing]
[Alvey farting]
[telephone rings]
- Hello? - Honey, hey!
Hey, hon', how you doin'?
So, how are you and Alvey doing?
Oh, we're doing fine. Yeah, we're doing great.
Two little peas in a pod. How's your thing going?
(Tonya) 'Good, uh, he loved the comps'
so now we just gotta rush it all into production.
'So, how's Alvey?'
'Is he eating? How's he sleeping?'
Hold on, hon'. Somebody wants to talk to you.
(Tonya) 'Hi! How's my little womping wompet?'
Oh, I miss you, I just want to kiss you
and kiss you and kiss you!
Okay, hon'. Yeah, he loves you too.
- Hurry home. Bye. - Okay, bye.
Aw.
Well, isn't it great
that her work is going so well?
- Ma? - Yes.
Ma and her career are just..
- Did you say ma? - Mama.
Oh, my God! You said mama!
Well, can you say dad or dada?
Mommy.
That's great! You're doing great!
But come on, say dada. Dada.
Mother.
[dramatic music]
[tires screech]
(Loki) Timmy Tyler, are you my mask baby?
[instrumental music]
[tires screeching]
[doorbell ringing]
- Yes? - Good afternoon!
- May I come in? - Ah..
What a lovely abode.
Oh, my, and such a lush carpet.
You're exactly the kind of person
the Vacuummeister 3000 was invented for!
Well, if I don't clean up, no one will.
That is why you need the Vacuummeister 3000!
It has dual sweeps, durable air paths
jiggle control, multi-Teflon coated filtering
and it's built with a direct-drive design
that is so powerful, it sucks the dirt
off the dirt!
- Is that safe? - Allow me to demonstrate.
Oh, don't you need to plug it in?
Nope.
[screaming]
(female #3) This is a terrible demonstration.
[gibberish]
Hello, you little...ugly thing.
Let's see if you're the one, hm?
Bend. Morph! Shape shift.
Well, do something for Odin's sake.
[squeaks]
[dramatic music]
No!
I think it's time to introduce you
to man's best friend.
And I don't mean you, Otis.
[whimpers]
Okay.
Mommy doesn't want me to do this
but what mommy doesn't know
won't hurt mommy.
Oh, look.
[laughing on TV]
- 'Hey, wait a minute.' - 'We don't like your attitude!'
Keep an eye on him, will ya?
[indistinct chatter on TV]
(Barney on TV) 'Look at Bam Bam.'
[gibberish]
Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!
(Betty) 'Bam Bam looks miserable without Pebbles.'
[dramatic music]
Bam.
[instrumental music]
[panting]
[snoring]
[laughing on TV]
(Alvey) Bam, bam, bam.
[music continues]
[whimpers]
[sniffing]
[zapping]
[upbeat music]
[screaming]
[clattering]
[clattering]
[screaming]
[clattering]
[growling]
Smoking!
[croaks]
Hello my baby hello my honey
Hello my ragtime gal
Send me a kiss by wire
Baby my heart's on fire
If you refuse me honey you'll lose me
Then you'll be left alone
Oh baby telephone
And tell me I'm your own
Everybody do the Michigan Rag
Every Mame and Jane and Ruth..
Stomp romp pomp the Michigan
Jump clump pump the Michigan Rag
That lovin' rag
[croaks]
[panting]
Please don't talk about me when I'm gone
Oh honey though our friendship ceases from now on..
[screaming]
[growling]
[instrumental music]
[Alvey laughing]
[explosion]
[explosion]
[laughing]
(Tim) I don't know how. I don't know which end is up.
I'm running on fumes.
Yeah. Yeah, well..
[paper crinkling]
I don't know.
'Yeah, I still got the kid.'
'Oh, God, you have no idea.'
Man, they just suck the life out of you.
'I don't know what I'm gonna do with him.'
'I think I may be onto something for my pitch, though.'
I don't know, it's just..
Hello my baby hello my honey
Hello my ragtime gal
Send me a kiss by wire
Baby my heart's on fire
If you refuse me honey you'll lose me
[screaming]
Oh baby telephone
And tell me I'm your own
[gibberish]
[screaming]
[laughing]
[screaming]
Yow! Ooh!
[clamoring]
[clattering]
Hi, 9-1-1? I already told you.
My son is bouncing off the walls!
Yes, off the walls, the couch and the ceiling.
Hello? Hello? Hello?
Everybody do the Michigan Rag
Everybody likes the Michigan Rag
Stomp romp pomp the Michigan
Jump clump pump the Michigan Rag..
Betty!
Everybody do the Michigan Rag
Everybody likes the Michigan Rag
That lovin' rag
(Betty) Don't stop, little..
- Yeah? - Betty!
[cooing]
I need your help.
- Tim, what's wrong? - Uh, uh..
Well, Tonya said if I ever needed..
You know.. Oh, uh, well, if any..
If I saw anything weird.
It's Alvey. It's Alvey. It was Alvey. See?
He was, he was bouncing
and he, he did the Woody laugh, you know..
[imitates Woody laughing]
And he was singing.
Well, lots of babies his age sing.
Vaudeville?
Okay, I'll show you. Okay.
Okay, okay. Here we go.
Go on. Sing.
[instrumental music]
Go on, Alvey.
Do it.
Do it. Sing, damn it!
- Sing.. - Tim!
- He's a baby. - Exactly my point.
[dramatic music]
[doorbell rings]
I'm here to unclog your throne.
[grunting]
(Loki) Oh, Jason Kemperbee
be my baby.
Come on.
Hook me up. Show me the magic.
[crying]
[squeaks]
Alvey. Put that down.
That's mommy and daddy's.
Please put the fax machine down.
[clattering]
Okay.
You want some juice? Here, you want some juice?
It's okay. Here you go, Alvey. Have some juice.
Yeah, you like juice.
See, Alvey? Daddy's not gonna hurt you.
Whoa! Hey! Hey! Hey!
No! Hey! Hey! Ah!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!
[Tim screaming]
[rattling]
(Alvey) 'Rattle.'
[groans]
[Alvey mumbles]
[rattling]
[giggling]
[instrumental music]
[sizzling]
Kaboom!
Aw, poor baby.
[laughing]
Huh? Oh!
[panting]
[sizzling]
[dramatic music]
Uh-oh.
[explosion]
[groaning]
[screaming]
[whimpering]
If they could see me now
That little gang of mine
Eating fancy chow drinking fancy wine
All I can say is wow looka where I am
Tonight I landed pow right in a pot of jam
What a set up holy cow
They'd never believe it
If my friends could see me now
Lord if they could see me now
[dramatic music]
[horn blares]
[doorbell rings]
- Yes? - Hi!
Would you like some Thin Chocolate?
[dramatic music]
[squeaks]
[instrumental music on TV]
[grunting on TV]
Yeah, you can run, but you can't hide!
[explosion]
Transformers
[laughing] Uh..
Alvey?
Y-you wouldn't do that to dada, would you?
I'm your dad.
C-can you say dad?
Dada?
Madre.
[instrumental music]
This is too much too handle.
I mean, this is insanity.
Dancing..
[Otis growling]
No. No.
Shh.
[laughing]
[thuds]
Fire!
Bull's-eye!
[squeaking]
Hm.
[giggles]
Here we are by the baby!
[instrumental music]
[laughing]
Oh, yeah. Who's the dog?
Who's the big dog.. Whoa!
[grunting]
[screaming]
[crash]
[whirring]
Whoa!
[screaming]
[piano music]
[grunting]
[clangs]
[Otis screaming]
[clattering]
[screaming]
[grunting]
[glass shatters]
[screaming]
[panting]
Aah!
[glass shatters]
[car horn blaring]
[clattering]
[whirring]
[grunting]
Mommy!
[screaming]
[splashes]
[screaming]
[whimpering]
[squeaking]
I surrender.
[fluttering]
[tires screeching]
[glass shatters]
Bye-bye.
[instrumental music]
[gags]
Oh, shoot.
[laughing]
Uh..
[laughing]
- He-he! - Stop it!
This is insane!
[laughing]
Point it down!
[breathing heavily]
- All done? - Mm.
[splashing]
[instrumental music]
[doorbell rings]
- Hey, I'm Rod. - Get in here!
Okay.
Uh, take a look at this.
Hey, what a cute little baby.
- Oh, of course! - Mind if I take a look at him?
No, go ahead. I don't care really.
Come on. Do something crazy.
Yeah, do something crazy!
Crap!
[grunting]
Damn it. This isn't the right one either.
Hey! What are you doing?
I left your package in the foyer.
Do I have a package? Okay. Whatever.
Fine. Okay. Uh, I don't know.
[thuds]
[thuds]
(Loki) Oh, well.
[exhales] Ha-ha-ha!
What happened?
You did this to me. I know what you're doing.
You're trying to drive me crazy.
'You're a cunning little mastermind'
who will stop at nothing until I go
completely insane.
Well, come on.
Start dancing again.
Start screwing with my mind!
[screaming] Start it! Huh? Come on!
Why aren't you screwing with my mind?
Maybe I am just going crazy.
(Alvey) 'Maybe I am just going crazy.'
'Maybe I am just going crazy.'
Maybe I am just going crazy. Maybe I am just going..
[both screaming]
[squeaks]
[instrumental music]
That's it, buddy, first, I'm taking you to a pediatrician
then I'm taking you to an exorcist.
[creaking]
[retching]
(Tim) Who are you?
Oh, my G..
My son is the devil. My son is the devil. Oh.
Oh, my Odin, it is him.
[dramatic music]
(Tim) We're just going to have a nice little drive
while daddy has a nervous breakdown.
[engine revving]
(female voice on record) 'Please leave a message.'
Tonya, it's Betty.
You said I should keep an eye out
and call you if there are any problems?
I think there's a problem.
[instrumental music]
[tires screeching]
(male #1) No parking there. That's a handicapped zone.
Hey! Sir?
Hey, wait!
Stop! You!
Hey!
[grunting]
What is it?
- Ah! - Okay, where is the mask?
- What? - The mask.
My mask. Where is it?
What are you talking about? Who are you?
- I am Loki, God of Mischief. - Yeah, and I'm Tim.
God of Crazy Babyland. Will you get out--
That baby is born of the mask, my mask.
- Now, where is it? - Born of the mask.. What?
Oh, so that explains why he could pee like that!
But wait a minute. This is my baby.
I don't care about that. Just give me my mask!
- I don't know where it is. - Oh, really?
Maybe this will jog your memory!
[cocks]
[gasps]
- Loki! - Dad?
[Odin's voice] I've warned you! You've left me no other--
I don't have time for this.
Look, dad, there's Balder.
[instrumental music]
(female #2) 'Watch it.'
[gasps]
[clangs]
- Just give me the mask. - I don't have it.
I think my dog ate it.
That is the oldest excuse in the book
and I've read some really, really old books.
But if you want to do this the hard way..
...so be it.
[dramatic music]
[gasps]
[whimpers]
[explosion]
Oh, you're good.
[instrumental music]
Whoa.
[giggles]
You really are a chip off the old block.
But I don't have time for this. Prepare to feel my true power!
[fire crackling]
(as Odin) Loki!
You have defied me for the last time.
I've had it up to here with you!
Dad, please listen to me. You're holding the baby.
Silence!
- You have left me no choice. - Listen, listen.
You are hereby stripped off your immortal powers
and forever banished to the land of mortals.
No! Please, hear me out. That baby..
[screaming]
[zapping]
[giggles]
Whoa.
[instrumental music]
[clanging]
[whimpering]
Pretty.
[cell phone rings] Hello?
(Jorge) 'Where the hell are you, homes?'
'Your pitch meeting is starting right now.'
Um, I just met Green.
- Loki. - 'Snap out of it.'
(Jorge) 'Where are you? I'll pick you up.'
What's the deal, Tim?
I get you a network pitch and you repay me
by showing up 20 minutes late
looking like an escaped mental patient?
- And with a kid? - Huh?
[clearing throat]
This is Tim Avery.
He created the character
so, why don't I just let him tell you more about it?
'Tim?'
'Tim?'
[sighing]
Guys, I could walk.
I-I guess he didn't like the pitch.
I just.. I wanna get all my stuff and..
(Tonya on voicemail) Tim? Pick up the phone!
Tim! Betty just called.
She's completely freaked out!
'Oh, God. Uh, call me the second you get this message.'
(Tim on phone) Hey, it's me. Uh, got your message.
Well, things are really great here.
Uh, me and Alvey got chased by a guy named Loki.
Well, that's not important.
I pitched, uh, my show today
and, um...I got fired.
Yeah.
Um..
...but Alvey pooped
which is good, and, uh..
[sniffles]
And Alvey saved me.
It was amazing.
But, uh, the main thing is, uh, we're totally fine.
Everything's great. Um..
Better than fine, actually.
Alvey's great.
I love you. Okay, bye.
[sighing]
Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh-ooh ooh
I well I see trees of green
And red roses too
I watch them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
I hear babies crying and I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than we'll know
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world
Ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh-ooh ooh
[whimpers]
[dramatic music]
[clattering]
[grunting]
Whoa!
[grunting]
[squeaking]
[clattering]
By Kylvie, King of Svitjod
Houthedy and Yppor.
I summon thee, God of Gunningap.
- Nifleheim, Kvelge-- - 'Tim?'
Tim? Is that you?
Tim!
[screaming] Kvelgemir!
[dramatic music]
Who summons Odin, Allfather of the Gods?
- Shh! Shh! - G.. Loki?
- You'll wake the baby. - Oh, sorry.
Loki, is that you?
Tim? What are you doing in there?
You did the conjuring ceremony by yourself?
- I pay attention. Sometimes. - But you don't have the mask!
- Well, yeah, that's why I-- - Rules are rules, Loki!
- And I specifically-- - Hey!
Could you just stop lecturing me for one minute and listen?
I found the baby. He's right there.
- That child is strong. - Mm.
Very strong.
I had him before, I was this close..
...but you took my powers and they got away.
So, please, father
give me my powers..
...and I will give you the mask.
Very well.
'Your resourcefulness pleases me'
'and your mother says we should be trying'
positive reinforcement
whatever the Helveti that is.
So, as a reward
I shall grant you a reprieve.
You have until the sands have fallen.
Oh, hey, hey. Wait, wait. Hang on.
- Hm? - I want to sync up.
Ready...now!
[beeping]
Don't disappoint me, Loki.
Use your powers wisely and complete your task.
This truly is your final chance!
[wind howling]
[zapping]
[exhales]
[instrumental music]
Tim?
'What's going on up there?'
Tim Avery, what are you doing in there?
Hmm. Nosy neighbors.
[sniffing]
Aah-aah..
[sneezes]
[Otis whimpering]
[instrumental music]
[sighing]
[yawns]
- Guess who? - No! No!
[screaming]
Tim, snap out of it!
Tonya?
- Is that you? - Of course, it's me.
What are you doing up so late?
- And where's Alvey? - Seriously?
- Is that really you? - No, you idiot.
Oh, God. Ah! What.. I..
Oh, jeez.
Bro, listen.
I'm a God. I can shapeshift.
I can create stuff out of nothingness.
I can alter the fabric of reality
so, please, quit being a knucklehead.
- What do you want from us? - Oh, don't worry.
I'm not gonna hurt you..
[sighing]
...yet!
This baby was born out of the mask
and I want my mask back!
'Meet me in exactly one hour.'
[clinks]
[sizzling]
So you find the mask and meet me at..
Hm. Where shall we meet?
Um, how about Red Lobster?
It's always so difficult getting a table there
especially on Fridays when they..
- There's a wick burning. - Well..
(Loki) How about we meet in an alley in the city?
- There's a wick. - Met at one before.
- Sure, it's a little cliche.. - Sir, your..
'...so cliche that I think to myself'
"Wow, that's too cliche!"
- But, it-it-- - Meet me in that alley!
Within the hour..
...with the mask..
...if you ever want to see your little monster again.
No!
[firecracker popping]
Alvey! No-o-o!
[door creaks]
What.. Tim?
Tim?
Alvey?
Oh, God. Tim!
[Tim screaming]
Tim..
What're you doing? What're you doing?
Tim, what are you.. Ah!
Ahh!
What the hell is wrong with you? Get off of me!
Get out of there, Loki! Where's my son, you mongrel from hell?
[groaning]
- Tim! Ah! - Tonya?
To..
Tonya! Oh, it's really you.
- Oh, my God. Betty was right. - Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
- You have gone crazy. - No, I haven't.
I thought I did, but I didn't.
Where's Alvey?
- Okay, don't freak out. - Where's Alvey?
- 'You're freaking out.' - Where's my baby?
- Loki t-took him. - Took him?
Man! Did you call the police?
- 'No, I--' - Oh, my God.
Tonya, listen!
This is an emergency! My son is missing--
- No, Tonya, listen! - My son..
The police can't help us!
He's the freaking God of Mischief.
All he wants is his mask, which Otis is wearing.
And if I can just figure out where Otis is, I can just..
Of course!
Our child is missing and you're worried about the damn dog?
This is crazy!
[gasps]
See what I'm talking about?
Now, you're gonna have to trust me
and get in the car, because I know
where Alvey is and I know how to get him back
because I know the one place Otis the moose would go.
And they called it puppy love
[gibberish]
See, there's this really cute pooch, Venus.
Otis?
[growling]
Otis!
That's not Otis! That's a green critter.
[growling]
I'm sorry, okay?
I've ignored you and, uh, I've been impatient
but I need you, buddy. Loki, that guy that made the mask?
He wants it back. He has Alvey.
And he's a bad guy, Otis.
He hates dogs.
[growling]
He doesn't realize that dogs are truly man's best friend.
- Huh? - You heard me.
You're this man's best friend.
[gibberish]
But Alvey's my son
which sort of makes you like his big brother.
'And when he grows up, he's gonna be your bestest friend.'
But right now, he needs you, and he needs that mask.
[growling]
Alright.
[instrumental music]
So, I guess you're kinda cute, huh?
[chuckles]
Um, can you, like, do anything you want like me?
I mean, can you do this?
[whooshing]
[whooshing]
Wow!
Well, look at you!
You're just a little outlaw, ain't ya?
[cooing]
Okay, hombre.
Let's see how tough your rawhide can be.
[dramatic music]
[wind whooshing]
Gotcha. Heh-heh!
[gunshot]
Pfff! I like it!
So, you like games, huh?
[chuckles] Well, you'd better watch out
'cause I've got a game that no one can beat me at.
Super Twister!
[cooing]
(Tim) It's just around the corner, right here.
Here we go.
Come on baby
Let's do the twist
Come on baby
Let's do the twist
Take me by my..
Isn't this fun?
[both chuckling]
Hi.
Twist baby baby twist
Ooh yeah
Just like this
Come on little miss
And do the twist
You know, that's cheating.
[laughing]
[brakes screeching]
[crashing]
[yelping]
No fair! That crash threw me. Rematch!
[dramatic music]
Okay, you give me Alvey, and the mask is yours.
[dramatic music]
I can't let go. I've grown attached.
- Alvey! - Hey, we had a deal!
I'm the God of friggin' Mischief
what did you expect?
[barking]
[screaming]
[dramatic music]
[growling]
[thud]
[yelping]
- Huh. - Hey, Loki.
Honey, you look hot.
Give me back my son!
Um.. No.
[swoosh]
Honey, I think it's time we trade up.
[music continues]
[barking]
[engine revving]
Buckle up, baby.
[engine revving]
Listen to Loki, kid.
Dads are overrated and I speak from experience.
Ah, there's nothing like a Sunday drive.
You wanna have some fun, kid, you stick with me.
[engine revving]
[gasps] Huh?
Oh!
Alright. It's time to lose them for good.
[music continues]
[engine revving]
Oh, look out, look out, look out!
[Tonya screaming]
(The Mask) Yahoo!
[Tonya screaming]
[both screaming]
Hey, babe, look. No hands. I'm kidding.
Let's just finish this.
Now, where did he go?
- Hmm.. - Uh, honey?
I think, maybe, there.
[instrumental music]
[crowd cheering]
And here he is, folks!
The failure of Fringe City!
Yes, it's Tim "No-win" Avery!
Tim, it's Alvey. I'm gonna go get him.
Kick his can, honey.
[instrumental music]
[bell ringing]
Alright, come on.
[indistinct clamoring]
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee!
[crowd cheering]
Hi, baby. Hi, baby.
Oh, yeah?
Well, jump like a grasshopper
and stink like a skunk!
[The Mask farting]
Caught me with my mouth open!
You can't fight me if you're locked in a trunk.
Huh?
[laughing]
[grunting] I'm coming, I'm coming.
[instrumental music]
[glass shattering]
[Loki screaming]
[splash]
Let's get out of this dump. Come on.
(Loki) 'And Loki said, "Let there be a brick wall!"'
[crash]
'And there was! Ha-ha-ha!'
Okay!
No more Mr. Nice Guy!
Say hello to my little friend!
[screeching]
Tim! Tim!
[music continues]
(Loki) 'Here's Loki!'
Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim..
[music continues]
Wait.
This is a waste of time.
We're evenly-matched opponents.
I think we should let the kid decide.
Why, that's a swell idea.
Alvey, this is your decision.
- Pick me, pick me! - Alvey?
- I'm your real dad! - Come on, you little devil.
Let's play!
- 'Come on, Alvey.' - Alvey.
[circus music]
- Alvey? - 'Yeah, that's right.'
- Tim! - Son.
[music continues]
[gasping]
Alvey, look at me.
'It's your dad.'
There's no more superpowers.
'I-I know at first I was kind of a jerk.'
I didn't know how to handle a son.
'But you helped me grow up.'
And I wanna repay you..
...by helping you grow up.
I love you.
Come on.
- Da-da. - Oh, Alvey.
It's my son.
[laughing]
Yes.
I just wanted a friend.
[crying]
[roars]
- Huh? - Ahh!
[thud]
[thud]
[thud]
[Tonya screams]
[thud]
[Tonya screams]
[grunting]
Push! Push!
[dramatic music]
[whirring]
[Tonya screams]
[timer beeping]
[dramatic music]
Huh?
[music continues]
[wind whooshing]
[zapping]
[instrumental music]
Off the throne. He's off the throne. That's not good.
Your time is up, son.
As expected, you failed in your promise.
You failed in your quest.
You are, in every sense of the word, a failure.
And I thought your dad was mean.
Hey, we both knew it would end like this, right?
You always set me up to fail, at least in that respect
I'm living up to your expectations.
Silence!
You've brought me much pain, Loki.
Right back at you, dad.
- Hey! - Tim, no!
Hang on just a minute, Grizzly Adams.
I don't know how things work in the God world
but you're his father, he's your son.
And even if you banish him, he's still gonna be your son.
There is nothing more important in this entire universe
than your relationship with your family
especially if you're immortal.
You're like a 1000, he's like 800.
So you might as well get things right now
'and enjoy the rest of your eternal life.'
Here's the thing. Just take it.
Okay? Loosen up.
Yeah.
[chuckles]
Come on, son. Let's go home.
- 'Okay?' - 'Okay.'
Godspeed.
Maybe now, I can help you patch things up with mom?
Don't push it.
[instrumental music]
(male #1) 'A baby and a dog competing for dad's attention.'
I love it.
Simple, but it's.. It's got..
- Spark? - 'Yes.'
Where did you get the idea?
Well, I just kind of quit trying so hard and..
[barks]
...the idea just came to me.
It's great.
[dramatic music]
[cooing]
[vroom]
[screaming on TV]
Yay! Yay!
Honey, oh. Mwah!
That was such a good show!
But I think you might need to add another character.
What?
- Really? - Yeah.
[chuckles]
What do you think about that, Double A?
A little brother or sister?
How does that sound?
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
[scissors clipping]
[gibberish]
Life it sails down the ocean
It can swallow the hills of love
But you don't have to see to know
Time it can fly with the wind I
Imagine the world above
And it's all inside your mind
Would you follow me tonight
Find what the world has for us inside
With one on the way is clear
Now it's time for you both to grow
Just close your eyes and dream
Of the endless possibilities
Life it sails down the ocean
It can swallow the hills of love
But you don't have to see to know
Time it can fly with the wind I
Imagine the world above
And it's all inside your mind
[instrumental music]
There's a place that's hiding deep inside
A world that's right there fightin'
In all our lives
Life it sails down the ocean
It can swallow the hills of love
But you don't have to see to know
Time it can fly with the wind
I imagine the world above
And it's all inside your mind
[music continues]
And it's all inside your mind
Okay
Now I'm the one now
One two three oh
Like this uh
Sing with me
We are all a family Uh-huh
Sing with me
My dog is on my family tree
You know you got it baby still don't let it drive you crazy
There's no if or buts or maybes
You can be a star
You'll reach a higher score if you search within your soul
And when you have control you know who you are
Sing with me Hey-ey-ey
We are all a family We are all a family
Sing with me Yeah yeah yeah
My dog is on my family tree
Put your hands together now shake it shake it shake it
'Cause when we stick together we can make it make it make it
Get yourself together and you hide behind the mask
You can take it take it take it all you gotta do is ask
Sing with me
Hey
We are all a family
Sing with me Put your hands together
My dog is on my family tree
Sing with me Sing sing sing sing with me
We are all a family Louder louder
Sing with me Ooh
My dog is on my family tree
Sing with me Sing with me yeah
We are all a family Yeah yeah yeah
Sing with me
My dog is on my family tree
My dog is on my family tree
My dog is on my family tree
[dog barks]
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
[music continues]