South Park: The Streaming Wars (2022) Movie Script
- (car horn honks)
- (indistinct chatter)
MULLHULLAND: Citizens of Denver,
we are in the middle of
an environmental crisis.
The winters are bringing
less and less snow.
And now, we are facing a drought
due to the effects of
Global ManBearPig.
- A drought?
- (overlapping chatter)
- What? No. - ManBearPig?
- What? ManBearPig?
ALL of Denver's water comes
from streams up in the mountains,
but now, ManBearPig
has decimated these areas
and wreaked havoc on
the upper mountain streams.
And so, effective immediately,
we are declaring a drought
and cutting back on
all the city's water.
- No! - You can't do that!
- (overlapping shouting)
What about our homeowners'
association rules?
Some of us are required
to have nice, green lawns.
You expect us to have
- nice, brown lawns?
- (overlapping shouting)
I own 12 golf courses
in the Denver Metro area.
You're not cutting
down on my damn water.
Have you all forgotten
about the Pi Pi?
I have Denver's
largest water park.
All water parks are 50% pee
and 50% water.
You-you can't
forget about a Pi Pi.
Nobody wants to lose the
water, but we're in a drought.
- (shouting stops) -
MULHULLAND: There simply isn't
enough water coming to
Denver from up in the mountains.
And the water up
there is being used
for farms and agriculture.
What kind of agriculture?
Da, da, da, da,
da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da.
How's it looking?
They still look dry.
Okay, then I'm gonna
open the reserves.
If you ain't taking
care of business
This you must expect...
Yeah!
When it's wet
Oh, come on...
(laughing)
Oh!
Come on
Oh! Yeah
Slippery when it's wet
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo
Slippery when it's wet
Slippery, slippery
Slippery when it's wet.
(overlapping chatter, laughter)
CARTMAN: Yeah, and
so, and so then, so then
Clyde said that if a
chick uses hairspray,
you can actually
light her head on fire.
Nuh-uh.
Yeah-huh, Tolkien.
You guys want to see?
Kenny, do you have matches?
Yeah, of course I have matches.
Check this out, you guys.
- BUS DRIVER: Eric Cartman.
- (bus brakes)
Eric Cartman.
What? You're ruining it.
This is your stop.
Oh. Right.
Scuse-scuse me.
Hey. Hey, guys.
You want to come hang
out at my house for a bit?
Uh, no, that's cool.
It's not my fault that
my mom lost her job
and we had to move, you
guys. It's really not so bad.
Uh, yeah, maybe some other time.
CARTMAN: My
house is cool, you guys.
- Kenny, you want to come chill?
- I'm cool, dude.
It's still way better
than your house, Kenny!
'Cause your family's poor!
Your family's poor, Kenny.
Hi, honey. How was school?
Fuck you, Mom.
You doing anything, Tolkien?
You want to come over to
my house, play a board game?
Oh, um, I should
probably go home.
Well, okay, you want to play
a game over at your house?
Yeah, uh, I-I don't know.
Sorry, I'm just... not in
the best mood, I guess.
Hey, are you still
worried about Karen?
Yeah.
Yeah, me, too.
But we all have to try to
just be happy, you know?
No matter what
happens with Karen.
You're right. Okay, come on.
RANDY: Hey.
Stan, where do you
think you're going?
I'm gonna go hang
out at Tolkien's house
for a bit, Karen.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am, Karen.
You better knock that off.
I don't want you
playing with Tolkien.
Karen, just come back inside.
I've told you I
don't want our son
hanging out with those people.
And exactly what do you
mean by "those people"?
I mean traitors
who I hired to give my
weed more street cred,
and then go out and open
their own weed business.
You're not the only
weed grower in this valley.
But I was supposed to
be the only Black one.
WATER COMMISSIONER: Excuse me.
You the owners of these farms?
I own Tegridy Weed,
the original marijuana
farm on this street.
Okay, and your name is...
His name is Karen Marsh.
You better get that fucking
name out your fucking mouth.
Well, gentlemen, I'm
the Water Commissioner.
Colorado Division
of Water Resources.
I'm here to find out
exactly what's going on
with the city's water. Weed?
The city's water?
Well, you see, the water here
is supposed to make its way
to all the thirsty
people down in Denver.
And, uh...
Well, there's a lot of
thirsty people down there.
I just want to see
how much you farmers
are actually using.
Okay, well, we can show you...
Well, you should check
out his fucking farm.
If you're, if you're gonna
check out anyone's water,
it should be his.
All right, maybe I'll do that.
(car door opens, closes)
(engine starts)
CARTMAN: I live in a hot dog
On a lonely old hill
People make fun of me
And that's not cool
I'm isolated from my friends
Against my will
My possessions
are now condiments
And that is not cool
And I don't want
to live like this
You don't know how I feel
I've got no room to grow
And it is just so not cool
Just once in my life, I'd
like cool stuff to happen
Everything keeps changing,
and I'm not adapting
I'm crying like a girl,
and it's super not cool
And I just want
something cool to happen
To me
I've lived through such pain
The word's been so cruel
Something's got to
happen, something that's cool
I just want something
cool to happen...
This is it, right here.
To me.
REALTOR: Okay, right
this way, Mr. Cussler.
You are going to
love this property.
It's over 30 acres, and it's
in a real up-and-coming area.
I think you could build
an amazing home here.
Yes. Yes, I believe I could.
REALTOR: Now, it's about an hour
commute from where you are in Denver,
but I think the potential
here is fabulous.
TALNUA CUSSLER: Oh, yes.
It looks absolutely ideal.
Do you like to entertain?
Because you could easily
build a ten-bedroom house
on this property. You
could have a dedicated gym,
even a full-size movie theater.
Full-size movie theater?
If you want, we can
walk around the property.
- It's a bit muddy, but we can...
- That won't be necessary.
I'll take it. Full
asking price. Cash.
Oh-oh-oh.
Da Da.
- (knock on door)
- Yes. Come in.
Mom said you wanted to see me.
Yes, Shelley, have a seat.
Close the door, please.
(Randy clears throat)
I've been, uh, wanting
to talk to you, Shelley.
Um...
Can you tell me why
everyone is calling me "Karen"?
Don't worry about it.
Well, everybody
keeps calling me Karen,
and I don't get it.
Is it, is it, like, a
joke or something?
"Karen" is a pejorative
term for a white person
who acts overly
entitled and demanding.
Okay, well, that's fucked up.
Don't you think that's
a little, like, sexist?
I didn't start it.
Well, who did?
The Internet.
So-so now somebody is a Karen
just 'cause they want to be
treated with some respect?
I deserve to not have
people walk all over me, okay?
I have the right to call the
cops when things happen.
That's fine, Karen.
Shelley, I deserve
to not have...
What the fuck is he doing here?
Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Excuse me, this is my property.
Your soil seems very hydrated.
Must be getting lots of water.
What are you saying,
that I use too much?
I use the water that my
crops need and nothing more.
Is that a Slip 'N
Slide over there?
That is an agricultural
Slip 'N Slide, yes.
Apparently, you know
nothing about farming.
Look, if you have
any excess of water,
you might actually make some
money, that's all I'm saying.
Make money? Wait, what?
You heard of water transfers?
See, you have a lease
to use some of the water
from your stream here,
but what you don't use,
you could actually
sell the rights to.
I already talked to
your neighbor about it.
Yeah, well, see, the thing is,
this farm is about Tegridy,
not stupid water rights.
And if you want to keep
coming here and bugging me,
then I would like to
speak to your manager
because you are harassing me,
and I am important.
Well, have a nice day, Karen.
It's Randy!
I know what Karen
means. I'm not stupid.
(video game guns blasting)
What the water
commissioner said is true.
We have water rights
to use 10,000 gallons
a month off our stream.
If we could cut back our
agricultural water use by 50%
and show that our excess
water is making it down
to the Denver Reservoir,
then we'd have
the right to sell it.
You really think so?
I was a financial consultant
before I was a weed
farmer... There's potential here.
But how do we
even prove the water
from our farms makes
it all the way to Denver?
- Raingutter regatta.
- What?
We made those little boats in
online COVID camp, remember?
Oh, yeah. I bet we could
float that down our stream.
We demonstrate
where the water goes,
and meanwhile,
we start selling off
pieces of our water rights
to subscribers that want it.
Boys, can you
build me a test boat?
Sure.
We're about to
start our very own...
streaming service.
Whores in this house
There's some
whores in this house
There's some whores in this
house, there's some whores
- In this house -
I said certified freak
Seven days a week
Wet-ass pussy, make
that pullout game weak
- Woo, yeah
- Ah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, you
fucking with some
Wet-ass pussy,
bring a bucket
And a mop for
this wet-ass pussy...
TOLKIEN'S DAD: The
Credigree Weed streaming service.
We are currently in beta testing
to see if our stream
makes it to Denver,
but if it does, we are seeing
if there are any
interested subscribers.
- (overlapping shouting) - Give
me everything you got for this
Wet-ass pussy, beat it
up, baby, catch a charge
Extra large and extra
hard, put this pussy...
Come on.
Swipe your nose
like a credit card
Hop on top, I want
to ride, I do a kegel
While it's inside, spit in
my mouth, look in my eyes
This pussy is wet,
come take a dive
Tie me up like I'm surprised
Let's roleplay,
I'll wear a disguise
I want you to park
that big Mack truck
Right in this little garage
Make it cream,
make me scream
Out in public, make a scene,
I don't cook, I don't clean
- But let me tell you how I
got this ring - Ayy, ayy
Gobble me, swallow me,
drip down the side of me
Quick, jump out 'fore you
let it get inside of me, I tell
Him where to put it, never
tell him where I'm 'bout to be
I'll run down on him 'fore I
have a... ayy... runnin' me
Talk your shit,
bite your lip
Ask for a car while
you ride that dick
You really ain't never
got to fuck him for a thang
He already made his
mind up 'fore he came
Now get your
boots and your coat
For this wet-ass pussy
He bought a phone
just for pictures
Of this wet-ass pussy
Paid my tuition just to
Kiss me on this
wet-ass pussy
Now make it rain if
you want to see some
- Wet-ass pussy -
Now from the top, make it drop
That's some wet-ass
pussy, now get a bucket
And a mop, that's
some wet-ass pussy
I'm talkin' WAP,
WAP, WAP, that's some
Wet-ass pussy
Macaroni in a pot
That's some wet-ass pussy
Huh
Whores in this house
There's some whores in this
house, there's some whores
In this house, there's
some whores in this house
There's some whores in
this house, there's some...
- Yeah! We did it! Yeah!
- We totally did it, dude.
As you can see, the water
from Credigree Farms flows
directly into Denver's
water supply.
Well, in that case, I
suppose all your subscribers
get to have more
water from the reservoir.
Ah. Oh.
You all make-a Pi Pi so happy.
Now, my water park
can have a-plenty a-water
to mix with all-a the pee.
Of course,
you will have to prove
that the flow of
water is constant.
We'll need a little
boat to come through
to the reservoir every day.
Every day?
Boys, I'm gonna need you to
make a lot more boats for my stream.
How do you feel
about... 20 bucks a boat?
20 bucks a boat? Hell yeah.
We're gonna be rich, dude.
Mom. Mom, I need to talk to you.
Come on, sit down.
Eric, if you're going
to yell at me again
about our home, I really
don't have the strength.
No, Mom.
I'm never gonna need
to yell at you ever again.
We're gonna get
out of here, Mom.
What are you talking about?
I've figured our way
out of this hot dog.
I don't know if you've
seen, but there's a rich guy
building a big house
across the street.
We can live in that house, Mom.
We can have him take care of us.
Eric, how would we do that?
Because we are gonna get you...
fake tits.
What?
Breast implants, Mom.
That's what rich guys like.
You remember what
Matt Damon said?
Fortune favors the brave, Mom.
When rich guys come up here
and get one look at you with
your big, sweet tits, they're
gonna give us everything...
Eric, that's enough, okay?
What do you mean it's
enough? I've-I've figured it all out.
Rich guys want a woman
with nice titties, Mom.
- It's very...
- Okay.
Eric, I'm not comfortable
talking about this.
Well, I'm not comfortable
living in a fucking hot dog.
We live here because I
gave in to you and quit my job.
What do you want from me, Eric?
I want you
to get breast implants,
Mom. (sniffles)
So-so that rich guys like you,
and we can go live
in a sweet house.
Please, Mom,
I just want you
to get fake tits.
Eric, even if I wanted to,
the fact is, we can't afford it.
A surgery like that
is very expensive.
Like, how expensive?
At least $10,000.
$10,000?
Yes, Eric.
We can't afford it?
We can't afford it.
Chief.
- Chief, there's a big problem.
- What is it?
We've got a code red
emergency call on 911.
It's Karen.
Oh, not Karen
again. Jesus Christ.
(phone beeps)
Yes, Karen, how can
we help you this time?
Okay, first of all, I
know what it means
when you call me Karen,
so you can just knock it off.
Secondly, secondly,
my neighbor's kid
is over here at my house.
There's a kid trespassing
at your house?
No, my son invited him over
for lunch, and my wife is making
him hot dogs and tater tots,
even though I said I
don't want him here.
Well, then what harm
is he doing, Karen?
His family farm is shady.
Did you know that they're
doing a streaming service?
I demand that you investigate.
How did they manage to
even show that their water
goes through to Denver?
Hello? Are you listening to me?
I want to talk to your manager.
I've already told you, Karen,
I don't have a manager.
Thanks, Mrs. Marsh.
Can you believe that?
The cops aren't even
gonna do anything.
Oh, well, at least
you tried, Karen.
- (chair scrapes floor) - It
just doesn't make sense.
How is that traitor
able to prove his water
makes it down to Denver?
Well, um...
maybe he got
some creative people
to put something on his stream.
Yeah, I'll bet you he did.
He's got to be paying
some expert or something.
Oh, if I could find that
guy, I'd pay him double.
Well, you know, at camp,
they had us build these...
little boats, that, uh...
They're kind of
tough to make, but...
I think that we could
make you something.
And then we could float
the boats downstream
from the farm with
little Tegridy sails
on them to show people
where the water's coming from.
Could you guys build
me a test boat right away?
Oh, uh, yeah, we could probably
build you something, yeah.
I can't wait to see the
look on that traitor's face
when he sees that we're in
the streaming business, too.
Last night, I had a
dream that Ariana Grande
was trying to fuck her
own ass with a gun,
but then she farted, and
blood shot out her dick.
(laughs) Ariana
Grande? That's hilarious.
STAN: Kyle.
Kenny. You guys, get over here.
Sit down, you guys.
We need to talk.
What's going on, dude?
Check this out.
Where'd you get that?
Making stuff for
streaming services.
Holy shit. Really?
We made these
for my family's farm.
Then we took another
deal to make them for Stan's.
So then we went out
and offered boats to, like,
three other farms,
and now they want stuff
for their streams, too.
- So, you guys want to help us?
- I don't get it.
You don't have
to. We don't, either.
You just have to make boats.
But we want to
keep it on the low
because we don't want
other kids copying us.
Are you guys gonna
have Cartman help?
No. He'll fuck it
all up somehow.
Okay, I'm in.
(sighs) Fuck.
Faster. Work faster.
We need to be up and running.
WATER COMMISSIONER: Excuse me.
Mr. Cussler, is it?
Who are you?
I'm the water commissioner.
I just, uh, wanted to see
what you're up to up here.
I'm not up to anything. Why?
Well, you know, there's
a lot of streaming services
starting up in this
town, and, uh...
word on the street is you
might be trying to outdo them all.
They're all just
small time creeks.
When it comes to
the Streaming Wars,
I intend to be the
Amazon... River.
Yeah, well, you see,
there's regulations,
Mr. Cussler.
There's state rules when
it comes to streaming.
And, uh, well,
if you don't follow them,
bad things can happen.
Is that right? Boys?
I'm not some pissant
little farmer, Commissioner.
You want to threaten me,
I'll threaten you right back.
I didn't mean to
threaten you, sir.
In fact,
I think I can help you.
(school bell rings)
We've only got 20
minutes left, you guys.
We've got to work faster.
I'm waiting on
more popsicle sticks.
Come on, Butters, you
have to speed up your station.
I'm sucking down popsicles
as fast as I can, fellas.
There you guys are.
How come you're in the
home ec room during recess?
Are those popsicle stick boats?
Oh, yeah. We're just
making some popsicle boats.
We're gonna, you know,
like, race them, you know.
You're gonna race all
those popsicle boats?
Yeah, just, you know,
race them, see which one wins.
Right-right, fellas?
Oh. That sounds like
a fun activity. Um...
I was just gonna ask you guys,
do you know any way
to, like, raise money?
What do you mean?
We have no idea what
you're talking about.
Okay, I just...
I need to try and raise
some money because...
my mom needs to have a surgery,
and we can't afford it.
Oh. Dude...
How much does your
mom need for her surgery?
About $10,000.
I'm sorry, you guys.
Just go back to your boat
races. I'll talk to you later.
Cartman, wait.
You actually can help us.
Yeah.
What do you mean?
Look, dude, we're
actually making money
for a streaming service.
- Really?
- TOLKIEN: Yeah, come on.
You can help us, and we'll
cut you in on the profits.
Oh, my God, what-what
streaming service is it?
It's a bunch of different ones.
Here, help me cut
out these masts.
Okay, yeah, sure.
And, Cartman, I'm sorry.
Thanks, Kyle.
It's a green boat.
(crowd cheering)
Anyone on the green boat
streaming service
can have their allotment
of water for the day.
Oh, here comes the white boat.
(crowd cheering)
Subscribers to
Kush Country Farms
Streaming service
have their allotments.
Escusi. Escusi.
Pi Pi's been a-waiting
all day for his water ticket.
My water park need water.
You'll just have to be patient.
There's a lot of different
streaming services now.
Yes, there's a-too
many streaming services.
There's a streaming
service for this-a,
and streaming
service for that-a.
Pi Pi can't find his stuff-a.
Why can't-a Pi Pi just have
a one streaming service
have-a everything?
Pi Pi got a streaming
service he like-a,
and then-a Pi
Pi's stuff not on it.
Pi Pi so confuse-a.
(scanner beeping)
Yeah, yeah, we're
getting more supplies now.
You guys just
keep building boats.
We'll be there fast as we can.
Dude, I'm starting to
think we took on too much.
- It's okay.
- It's not okay.
We haven't even
finished Karen's boats yet.
I do not want to piss Karen off.
Tolkien, I've told you,
don't worry about Karen.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Hello, boys. That's quite
a haul you have there.
My name is Mr. Cussler.
I bought some property up here.
I've been asking
around, and, uh...
I believe you're the
ones responsible...
for these?
- Maybe.
- Fantastic little boats.
I'm a big fan of your work.
I have a nice stream
going through my property,
and I'd like you to
make something for me.
- Oh, we're-we're pretty, uh...
- We're pretty loaded up, man.
Oh, I'm sure you are.
That's why I'd like to
make you an exclusive deal.
I want 10,000 of
your little boats,
and I'll pay you $15,000.
BOTH: $15,000?
But I'm gonna need them
right away. Say three days?
I have... big plans.
Dude, we can't make
10,000 boats in three days.
We'll do it.
Cartman, come on,
that looks like shit.
Come on what, Kyle?
Look, I-I know we're
making a lot of these,
but we still have to
make them look nice.
- Does it really matter?
- Yes, it matters.
The streaming services
are paying for nice boats.
BUTTERS: (laughs) They
don't give a fuck, Kyle.
They're gonna take
everything they can get.
Everyone knows,
at the end of the day,
there's only gonna be, like,
three streaming services,
so they, like, everyone
just wants to have their shit
on their stream and get
bought out, you know?
And they don't give a
fuck how good anything is.
And the people who made all
the deals, they don't give a fuck
'cause they're all gonna
get fired anyway, you know?
And everyone working
at this streaming service
is now working over at
that streaming service.
No one gives a shit about
what fucking goes on in it.
Butters, I-I think you've
had too many popsicles.
Yeah, I think maybe I've
had one too many popsicles.
(door opens)
You guys, you guys, we did it.
KENNY: What'd we do?
We just got an offer
for 10,000 boats.
It's $15,000, you guys.
That's almost $3,000 each.
- We're millionaires!
- Whoo-hoo!
Hey, hey, aren't you
guys forgetting something?
Cartman's mom's surgery?
Oh, right.
Well, what do you say, guys?
With this money,
before we do anything,
we pay for Cartman's
mom's surgery.
You definitely
have my share, Eric.
Mine, too.
I really...
really... don't fucking
deserve you guys.
Come on, let's get to work.
(water pipes creaking)
NEWS REPORTER (over TV): Just
how bad could the water situation get
for Park County
farmers this summer?
A new study says
this year's snowpack
has almost completely
melted, and, once again,
ManBearPig is to blame.
That's right, Tom. It
appears ManBearPig
has done a lot more damage
this year than originally predicted.
As the spring thaws continue,
we simply aren't
seeing that much water
from way up on
the mountain peaks.
If ManBearPig
is truly out there,
then farmers might
want to start looking
at the state of that
snowpack, Tom.
Over here.
Here!
What is all this? What happened?
The housing market up here...
it went crazy.
We've just been
selling properties
without sleeping or eating.
This property here was
the last to get an offer.
The seller countered,
but we haven't heard back,
and it's really a
buyer's market.
Who's buying it all?
Some rich guy from the city.
(coughs)
But we are currently
taking backup offers,
if you'd like. Do
you have a broker?
We are really the best in
town. My coworker Janice
sold over 100
listings in 72 hours.
Look at this.
They were right
about ManBearPig.
There's not nearly as
much snow as last year.
Yeah. There's a lot you
can do with this property.
It has explosive views
and a southern exposure
for those chilly winter nights.
You can't sell all
the land up here.
Can't you see they
just want the water?
That's probably why they asked
for the inspection contingency.
We countered with
an extra 20 days
until close of escrow.
(chuckles) We got them.
There's no snow up here.
There won't be enough
water for South Park.
You...
You could have a
walkout basement here
with room for an
outdoor kitchen.
Think of the
entertaining potential.
Do you like to entertain?
(yawns)
(chickens clucking)
(water rushing)
"Cussler Industries"?
Huh? Huh?
Oh!
My streaming service!
Happy surprise time
To you
Something's
happened that's cool...
What is this, Eric?
Just sit down right here
Your son has done
something cool.
Are you ready, Mom?
(giggles) Yes.
What is it, sweetie?
- Wait a minute, Eric, what is this?
- (door opens)
Okay, hello, Mrs.
Cartman. I'm Dr. Stevens.
I understand you're interested
in breast augmentation?
That's right, she is.
Well, there are a few options.
We prefer the
saline implants now.
They-they can
be put either under
the chest muscle or on top.
Did you have any idea what size
breasts you wanted to achieve?
The largest size.
Eric, I've told you
a hundred times,
I'm not getting a boob job.
Uh, I'm a bit confused
here, Mrs. Cartman.
Your procedure has already
been completely paid for.
- What?
- Surprise!
I raised all the
money, Mom. It's done.
No, Eric. I said I don't
want breast implants.
You said we couldn't afford it.
I went out, and I
worked every day,
and I got you the
money for new tits, Mom.
I'm fine with my
body the way it is.
You are, but rich guys
aren't. Am I right, Doctor?
Okay, uh, Mrs. Cartman,
if you'd like to just go
back up to the front office,
they can refund all the money.
No! No, Doctor, please,
I live in a hot dog!
Because he made me quit my job,
and I promised myself
I wouldn't give in
to him ever again.
Get fake tits or else
I'll call the police, Mom.
Do what you want,
Eric. I am done with this.
Fine, then I'll run away.
You'll just have
to run away, then.
I'll go live with Grandma.
I'm sure Grandma
would love that.
I've given in to you
too many times, Eric.
It stops now.
You're not gonna give in,
huh? We'll just see about that.
Doctor, keep those tits on ice.
(door opens)
(door closes)
What is that?
It's... it's a little boat.
Stan, are you making stuff
for other streaming services?
Stanley? We had a deal.
Are you making stuff for other
streaming services, yes or no?
Yes. This guy paid
us a shitload of money.
I paid you a shitload of money.
Yeah, we make them
for whoever pays us.
We make stuff
for Credigree, too.
For Credigree?
They're the enemy, Stan.
You live here.
You're exclusive
to Tegridy Weed.
(scoffs) Everyone is
fighting and trying to get rich,
and we're just in the
middle doing our thing.
Doing your thing. Wow.
You're a fucking dick.
How much money's enough, Stan?
Cock-sucking cunt.
- What is going on?
- Oh, nothing.
Your son and his friends
just made exclusive deals
for multiple streaming services.
Ugh.
Oh, but I guess
that's just Karen
being Karen again, huh?
Yeah, screw
whatever Karen thinks.
Maybe it's bad for
business, but fuck Karen.
Okay, I'm sorry.
We're going to march right
over to where this guy lives,
and tell him that you
can't possibly take on
another streaming
service without sacrificing
- the quality of your product.
- Rats.
(clears throat)
Well, Mom, I guess
I'll be leaving now.
Oh, really? Where are you going?
I can't do this anymore, Mom.
If you won't listen to me, then
I really don't have a choice.
Well, I'm very sorry
to hear that, Eric.
I hope you take
good care of yourself.
Okay, well, I guess I'll
just ask you one more time
if you would please
get fake tits. I know...
I'm not getting
breast implants, Eric.
Okay, that's fine.
So, you're running away?
Oh, I'm not running away, Mom.
No, that would be
the easy way out.
You remember when
I told you how easy
breast enhancement would be,
and you said, "If it's so
easy, why don't you do it?"
Well, I'm taking
your advice, Mom.
If you won't get fake
breasts, then I will.
- What?
- I've already paid the clinic,
and I'll just tell them that
the implants were for me.
You know it's 2022, right?
You know they do surgeries
like this to kids now?
Guess I'll just go
and get fake tits, Mom.
Well, Eric, I guess
that's just your choice.
Mom, I'm serious. It's 2022.
They do these kinds
of surgeries to kids now.
Yes, I know.
Okay, well, then I'm
gonna go to the doctor,
and I'm gonna go
get breast implants.
Okay.
Okay, Mom, I'm
going out the door.
Okay, sweetie, be safe.
Gonna go get fake tits now.
If that's what you want, Eric.
It's not what I want, it's what
you're making me do, Mom.
Okay, honey, well, I love you.
- Okay, well, I'll see you.
- Bye, honey.
Gonna go get breast implants.
I'll come pick you
up when you're done.
Cool.
Come on.
Yes?
Hello, we'd like to speak
with Mr. Cussler, please.
For what?
Well, I want to let him
know that my son here
made a streaming deal that
he had no business making.
Didn't you, Stan?
No, technically, no.
Technically what?
I'm afraid Mr. Cussler
can't see you.
Oh, really? Okay, well,
you go and tell him that
it's Karen Marsh, okay?
And that I will talk
to him right now.
He can't talk to you
because he's dead.
What?
Mr. Cussler's body was
found several hours ago.
He was... attacked
by ManBearPig.
(indistinct radio chatter)
Everyone keep this area clear.
I need casts of the footprints.
Keep your radios down. We
don't want the press showing up.
What's going on here?
Aw, shit, it's Karen.
(officers grumbling)
Hey, look, my son was
in business with this guy.
You really think he was
killed by ManBearPig?
Take a look for yourself.
Something tore him
apart and shit in his face.
Workers found him
late this morning.
The footprints
are those of a pig,
but the claw marks
are those of a bear,
and the excrement,
clearly that of a man.
Why would ManBearPig
single him out?
Apparently, this Cussler guy
was taking advantage
of the water supply.
ManBearPig must've gotten
some kind of vengeance
for the rich guy's greed.
Oh, no.
Karen? What is it?
Karen?
It's just that...
if ManBearPig was getting
vengeance on Cussler,
would he also want
to come after my son?
(knock on door)
Ah, yes. Come on-a in.
It's a-open.
Hello, Pi Pi. Do
you have a minute?
Oh, my good friend
from-a Credigree Farm-a.
So nice a-you to
visit. Mwah. Mwah.
Look. Everything going
good for-a Pi Pi water park.
Everyone having fun.
Yes, that's what I came
to talk to you about.
Pi Pi, I'm sorry, but...
I'm going to have to
cancel my streaming service.
What? Cancel-a Pi Pi?
The drought is worse
than everyone thought.
ManBearPig did a lot of
damage this year and...
I don't have enough
water for my crops.
Oh, that's too bad.
It's too bad 'cause
now you fucked, a-huh?
I need my water rights back,
or else my farm won't survive.
Oh, you make-a Pi Pi cry.
What-a you expect-a, huh?
It's a drought everywhere.
Why you think I buy your water?
You can-a suck Pi Pi dick, huh?
Hey, you son of a bitch.
You knew what you
were doing the whole time.
You think I'm just gonna
sit here and take it?
I'll call the water
commissioner.
Oh, no. No, you-you
don't have to call him.
He's right here.
Afternoon, pal.
How's the drought treating you?
So, the water
commissioner was working
for you the whole time.
Well, I don't have a problem
kicking both of your asses.
Oh, I'd be a little more
worried about the other guy.
(roaring)
(screeching)
ManBearPig. He's
working for you, too?
Everybody wants to get
in the streaming business.
You're the one who
bought all the properties
on the mountaintop.
You just have it all
figured out, don't you?
Yeah, looks like-a Pi Pi
has it all pretty figured out.
Goddamn it, I'm not
gonna let you... (screams)
(screams)
(choking)
I'm sorry, Pi Pi can't hear you.
(screaming)
(screaming)
How is he?
I believe he's
coming to, Doctor.
(groaning)
Hello, Eric. Just want to let
you know everything went fine.
We're gonna let the
anesthesia wear off
a little more, and then
we can let you go home.
(stammers)
Okay. Um, cool.
CARTMAN'S MOM:
Well, you did it, Eric.
I hope you're happier now.
They all said you
were very insistent.
That you said you'd
cancel them if they didn't
put breast implants
in one of us.
I-I...
I-I have fake tits?
CARTMAN'S MOM:
They said that tube
is for draining blood while
the swelling goes down.
Your breasts are swollen now
as a reaction to the implants.
Okay, well, now that you
see how serious I was,
what're you gonna do now?
I'm gonna go down and get
some grocery shopping done.
Mom?
I will go to school like this.
You're gonna have to
give in at some point.
Mom?
(school bell rings)
Well, have you guys
seen Butters or Cartman?
- What the hell is going on?
- I don't know, but we have
a lot of boats to make,
and recess is almost over.
You guys. You guys.
There you are.
What's wrong dude?
Um, we need to stop making
stuff for streaming services.
What're you talking about?
It's all getting really weird.
The guy we made the
deal with? He was killed.
He was killed?
I think we got
greedy. I got greedy.
We should've never gotten
involved in the streaming wars.
They've upset the
balance of nature.
Hey, whoa, whoa, Stan.
We weren't greedy, okay?
We made the money
for a good reason.
Yeah, dude. Don't forget,
everything we did
was for a good cause.
CARTMAN: You guys.
You guys, something
is seriously wrong with my mom.
She's acting crazy.
Are any of your parents
acting weird at all?
Hey, fellas, are we making
more boats for the... Whoa, hello!
Jesus, what
happened to you, Eric?
Okay, okay, fine. I was hoping
everyone would just be cool,
but I guess we need to talk
about the elephants in the room.
This was not a choice.
You guys, I...
I live in a hot dog, okay?
And all I want is to
have a real home,
and a room that is
mine to sleep in at night.
To... Is something funny, Clyde?
(stifled laughter)
Yeah, it's real funny.
If I were you guys,
I'd be super pissed
at my mom because you
worked hard for this money.
All right, Cartman,
stop fucking around.
Obviously, those aren't real.
I didn't say they're
real. They're not real.
They're silicone implants
surgically inserted
under the chest muscle.
Nobody believes you
actually got fake tits.
These are real fake tits.
Kenny, feel them.
Go on. feel them.
Those are fucking real, dude.
- What?
- Thank you, Kenny.
Now, if we can all get
our minds off fucking boobs
for a second, something's
happened to my mom.
TOLKIEN: Mom? Mom, what's wrong?
Mom, slow down, I
can't understand you.
What do you mean Dad is missing?
See?
I want to congratulate
you, Pi Pi.
It appears you've won
the streaming wars.
And I want to thank-a
you for your service.
It's been-a nice
working with you.
(chuckles) You think it's over?
You're gonna need
me more than ever.
Oh, but, uh, but I have-a
everything I need now.
Water?
You silly little guy.
You really think you
own all the water now?
You know who
actually owns the water?
The State of Colorado.
Every drop that
rains from the sky.
Your little water rights won't
mean anything when Arizona
comes knocking, when
Kansas wants all their water.
Oh, no. You make-a Pi Pi worry.
You're gonna need me
for a long time, buddy.
You know who
really own the water?
Nobody.
Now, the people a Denver,
they think they
have-a plenty of water,
so they gonna go and use it all.
And when all the
water is-a gone,
there's only one thing
left for people to use.
The one thing that-a Pi Pi
have more than everybody, huh?
No, no, no. It's good.
It's completely safe.
Just a little salty, eh?
You're planning on selling piss?
It's-a, it's-a destiny.
All the fresh water go bye-bye.
Everybody gonna have to
wash their clothes in pee.
Brush their teeth in pee, no?
And who has the most pee
in all the land-a?
Only a psychopath would
speed up climate change
for his own profit.
Yeah, well, you see, ManBearPig,
eventually, he
gonna kill everybody.
He just gonna kill you first.
- (screaming)
- (roaring)
("Use Me" by Bill
Withers playing)
(water commissioner
continues screaming)
They keep trying to tell me
All you want to do is use me
Uh-huh, but my answer
Yeah, to all
that use me stuff
I-I-I, yes, I want
To spread the news
That if it feels this
good getting used
Oh, you just keep
on using me...
(laughter)
Until you use me up
Until you use me up
My brother
Sit me right down
And he talked to me
Uh-huh
And I want to
spread the news
That if it feels this
good getting used
Girl, you just
keep on using me
Until you use me up
Until you use me up
They keep trying to tell me
All you want to do is use me
Uh-huh, but my answer
Uh-huh
Yeah, to all
that use me stuff
I-I-I, yes, I want
to spread the news
That if it feels this
good getting used
Oh, you just
keep on using me.
- (indistinct chatter)
MULLHULLAND: Citizens of Denver,
we are in the middle of
an environmental crisis.
The winters are bringing
less and less snow.
And now, we are facing a drought
due to the effects of
Global ManBearPig.
- A drought?
- (overlapping chatter)
- What? No. - ManBearPig?
- What? ManBearPig?
ALL of Denver's water comes
from streams up in the mountains,
but now, ManBearPig
has decimated these areas
and wreaked havoc on
the upper mountain streams.
And so, effective immediately,
we are declaring a drought
and cutting back on
all the city's water.
- No! - You can't do that!
- (overlapping shouting)
What about our homeowners'
association rules?
Some of us are required
to have nice, green lawns.
You expect us to have
- nice, brown lawns?
- (overlapping shouting)
I own 12 golf courses
in the Denver Metro area.
You're not cutting
down on my damn water.
Have you all forgotten
about the Pi Pi?
I have Denver's
largest water park.
All water parks are 50% pee
and 50% water.
You-you can't
forget about a Pi Pi.
Nobody wants to lose the
water, but we're in a drought.
- (shouting stops) -
MULHULLAND: There simply isn't
enough water coming to
Denver from up in the mountains.
And the water up
there is being used
for farms and agriculture.
What kind of agriculture?
Da, da, da, da,
da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da.
How's it looking?
They still look dry.
Okay, then I'm gonna
open the reserves.
If you ain't taking
care of business
This you must expect...
Yeah!
When it's wet
Oh, come on...
(laughing)
Oh!
Come on
Oh! Yeah
Slippery when it's wet
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo
Slippery when it's wet
Slippery, slippery
Slippery when it's wet.
(overlapping chatter, laughter)
CARTMAN: Yeah, and
so, and so then, so then
Clyde said that if a
chick uses hairspray,
you can actually
light her head on fire.
Nuh-uh.
Yeah-huh, Tolkien.
You guys want to see?
Kenny, do you have matches?
Yeah, of course I have matches.
Check this out, you guys.
- BUS DRIVER: Eric Cartman.
- (bus brakes)
Eric Cartman.
What? You're ruining it.
This is your stop.
Oh. Right.
Scuse-scuse me.
Hey. Hey, guys.
You want to come hang
out at my house for a bit?
Uh, no, that's cool.
It's not my fault that
my mom lost her job
and we had to move, you
guys. It's really not so bad.
Uh, yeah, maybe some other time.
CARTMAN: My
house is cool, you guys.
- Kenny, you want to come chill?
- I'm cool, dude.
It's still way better
than your house, Kenny!
'Cause your family's poor!
Your family's poor, Kenny.
Hi, honey. How was school?
Fuck you, Mom.
You doing anything, Tolkien?
You want to come over to
my house, play a board game?
Oh, um, I should
probably go home.
Well, okay, you want to play
a game over at your house?
Yeah, uh, I-I don't know.
Sorry, I'm just... not in
the best mood, I guess.
Hey, are you still
worried about Karen?
Yeah.
Yeah, me, too.
But we all have to try to
just be happy, you know?
No matter what
happens with Karen.
You're right. Okay, come on.
RANDY: Hey.
Stan, where do you
think you're going?
I'm gonna go hang
out at Tolkien's house
for a bit, Karen.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am, Karen.
You better knock that off.
I don't want you
playing with Tolkien.
Karen, just come back inside.
I've told you I
don't want our son
hanging out with those people.
And exactly what do you
mean by "those people"?
I mean traitors
who I hired to give my
weed more street cred,
and then go out and open
their own weed business.
You're not the only
weed grower in this valley.
But I was supposed to
be the only Black one.
WATER COMMISSIONER: Excuse me.
You the owners of these farms?
I own Tegridy Weed,
the original marijuana
farm on this street.
Okay, and your name is...
His name is Karen Marsh.
You better get that fucking
name out your fucking mouth.
Well, gentlemen, I'm
the Water Commissioner.
Colorado Division
of Water Resources.
I'm here to find out
exactly what's going on
with the city's water. Weed?
The city's water?
Well, you see, the water here
is supposed to make its way
to all the thirsty
people down in Denver.
And, uh...
Well, there's a lot of
thirsty people down there.
I just want to see
how much you farmers
are actually using.
Okay, well, we can show you...
Well, you should check
out his fucking farm.
If you're, if you're gonna
check out anyone's water,
it should be his.
All right, maybe I'll do that.
(car door opens, closes)
(engine starts)
CARTMAN: I live in a hot dog
On a lonely old hill
People make fun of me
And that's not cool
I'm isolated from my friends
Against my will
My possessions
are now condiments
And that is not cool
And I don't want
to live like this
You don't know how I feel
I've got no room to grow
And it is just so not cool
Just once in my life, I'd
like cool stuff to happen
Everything keeps changing,
and I'm not adapting
I'm crying like a girl,
and it's super not cool
And I just want
something cool to happen
To me
I've lived through such pain
The word's been so cruel
Something's got to
happen, something that's cool
I just want something
cool to happen...
This is it, right here.
To me.
REALTOR: Okay, right
this way, Mr. Cussler.
You are going to
love this property.
It's over 30 acres, and it's
in a real up-and-coming area.
I think you could build
an amazing home here.
Yes. Yes, I believe I could.
REALTOR: Now, it's about an hour
commute from where you are in Denver,
but I think the potential
here is fabulous.
TALNUA CUSSLER: Oh, yes.
It looks absolutely ideal.
Do you like to entertain?
Because you could easily
build a ten-bedroom house
on this property. You
could have a dedicated gym,
even a full-size movie theater.
Full-size movie theater?
If you want, we can
walk around the property.
- It's a bit muddy, but we can...
- That won't be necessary.
I'll take it. Full
asking price. Cash.
Oh-oh-oh.
Da Da.
- (knock on door)
- Yes. Come in.
Mom said you wanted to see me.
Yes, Shelley, have a seat.
Close the door, please.
(Randy clears throat)
I've been, uh, wanting
to talk to you, Shelley.
Um...
Can you tell me why
everyone is calling me "Karen"?
Don't worry about it.
Well, everybody
keeps calling me Karen,
and I don't get it.
Is it, is it, like, a
joke or something?
"Karen" is a pejorative
term for a white person
who acts overly
entitled and demanding.
Okay, well, that's fucked up.
Don't you think that's
a little, like, sexist?
I didn't start it.
Well, who did?
The Internet.
So-so now somebody is a Karen
just 'cause they want to be
treated with some respect?
I deserve to not have
people walk all over me, okay?
I have the right to call the
cops when things happen.
That's fine, Karen.
Shelley, I deserve
to not have...
What the fuck is he doing here?
Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Excuse me, this is my property.
Your soil seems very hydrated.
Must be getting lots of water.
What are you saying,
that I use too much?
I use the water that my
crops need and nothing more.
Is that a Slip 'N
Slide over there?
That is an agricultural
Slip 'N Slide, yes.
Apparently, you know
nothing about farming.
Look, if you have
any excess of water,
you might actually make some
money, that's all I'm saying.
Make money? Wait, what?
You heard of water transfers?
See, you have a lease
to use some of the water
from your stream here,
but what you don't use,
you could actually
sell the rights to.
I already talked to
your neighbor about it.
Yeah, well, see, the thing is,
this farm is about Tegridy,
not stupid water rights.
And if you want to keep
coming here and bugging me,
then I would like to
speak to your manager
because you are harassing me,
and I am important.
Well, have a nice day, Karen.
It's Randy!
I know what Karen
means. I'm not stupid.
(video game guns blasting)
What the water
commissioner said is true.
We have water rights
to use 10,000 gallons
a month off our stream.
If we could cut back our
agricultural water use by 50%
and show that our excess
water is making it down
to the Denver Reservoir,
then we'd have
the right to sell it.
You really think so?
I was a financial consultant
before I was a weed
farmer... There's potential here.
But how do we
even prove the water
from our farms makes
it all the way to Denver?
- Raingutter regatta.
- What?
We made those little boats in
online COVID camp, remember?
Oh, yeah. I bet we could
float that down our stream.
We demonstrate
where the water goes,
and meanwhile,
we start selling off
pieces of our water rights
to subscribers that want it.
Boys, can you
build me a test boat?
Sure.
We're about to
start our very own...
streaming service.
Whores in this house
There's some
whores in this house
There's some whores in this
house, there's some whores
- In this house -
I said certified freak
Seven days a week
Wet-ass pussy, make
that pullout game weak
- Woo, yeah
- Ah
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, you
fucking with some
Wet-ass pussy,
bring a bucket
And a mop for
this wet-ass pussy...
TOLKIEN'S DAD: The
Credigree Weed streaming service.
We are currently in beta testing
to see if our stream
makes it to Denver,
but if it does, we are seeing
if there are any
interested subscribers.
- (overlapping shouting) - Give
me everything you got for this
Wet-ass pussy, beat it
up, baby, catch a charge
Extra large and extra
hard, put this pussy...
Come on.
Swipe your nose
like a credit card
Hop on top, I want
to ride, I do a kegel
While it's inside, spit in
my mouth, look in my eyes
This pussy is wet,
come take a dive
Tie me up like I'm surprised
Let's roleplay,
I'll wear a disguise
I want you to park
that big Mack truck
Right in this little garage
Make it cream,
make me scream
Out in public, make a scene,
I don't cook, I don't clean
- But let me tell you how I
got this ring - Ayy, ayy
Gobble me, swallow me,
drip down the side of me
Quick, jump out 'fore you
let it get inside of me, I tell
Him where to put it, never
tell him where I'm 'bout to be
I'll run down on him 'fore I
have a... ayy... runnin' me
Talk your shit,
bite your lip
Ask for a car while
you ride that dick
You really ain't never
got to fuck him for a thang
He already made his
mind up 'fore he came
Now get your
boots and your coat
For this wet-ass pussy
He bought a phone
just for pictures
Of this wet-ass pussy
Paid my tuition just to
Kiss me on this
wet-ass pussy
Now make it rain if
you want to see some
- Wet-ass pussy -
Now from the top, make it drop
That's some wet-ass
pussy, now get a bucket
And a mop, that's
some wet-ass pussy
I'm talkin' WAP,
WAP, WAP, that's some
Wet-ass pussy
Macaroni in a pot
That's some wet-ass pussy
Huh
Whores in this house
There's some whores in this
house, there's some whores
In this house, there's
some whores in this house
There's some whores in
this house, there's some...
- Yeah! We did it! Yeah!
- We totally did it, dude.
As you can see, the water
from Credigree Farms flows
directly into Denver's
water supply.
Well, in that case, I
suppose all your subscribers
get to have more
water from the reservoir.
Ah. Oh.
You all make-a Pi Pi so happy.
Now, my water park
can have a-plenty a-water
to mix with all-a the pee.
Of course,
you will have to prove
that the flow of
water is constant.
We'll need a little
boat to come through
to the reservoir every day.
Every day?
Boys, I'm gonna need you to
make a lot more boats for my stream.
How do you feel
about... 20 bucks a boat?
20 bucks a boat? Hell yeah.
We're gonna be rich, dude.
Mom. Mom, I need to talk to you.
Come on, sit down.
Eric, if you're going
to yell at me again
about our home, I really
don't have the strength.
No, Mom.
I'm never gonna need
to yell at you ever again.
We're gonna get
out of here, Mom.
What are you talking about?
I've figured our way
out of this hot dog.
I don't know if you've
seen, but there's a rich guy
building a big house
across the street.
We can live in that house, Mom.
We can have him take care of us.
Eric, how would we do that?
Because we are gonna get you...
fake tits.
What?
Breast implants, Mom.
That's what rich guys like.
You remember what
Matt Damon said?
Fortune favors the brave, Mom.
When rich guys come up here
and get one look at you with
your big, sweet tits, they're
gonna give us everything...
Eric, that's enough, okay?
What do you mean it's
enough? I've-I've figured it all out.
Rich guys want a woman
with nice titties, Mom.
- It's very...
- Okay.
Eric, I'm not comfortable
talking about this.
Well, I'm not comfortable
living in a fucking hot dog.
We live here because I
gave in to you and quit my job.
What do you want from me, Eric?
I want you
to get breast implants,
Mom. (sniffles)
So-so that rich guys like you,
and we can go live
in a sweet house.
Please, Mom,
I just want you
to get fake tits.
Eric, even if I wanted to,
the fact is, we can't afford it.
A surgery like that
is very expensive.
Like, how expensive?
At least $10,000.
$10,000?
Yes, Eric.
We can't afford it?
We can't afford it.
Chief.
- Chief, there's a big problem.
- What is it?
We've got a code red
emergency call on 911.
It's Karen.
Oh, not Karen
again. Jesus Christ.
(phone beeps)
Yes, Karen, how can
we help you this time?
Okay, first of all, I
know what it means
when you call me Karen,
so you can just knock it off.
Secondly, secondly,
my neighbor's kid
is over here at my house.
There's a kid trespassing
at your house?
No, my son invited him over
for lunch, and my wife is making
him hot dogs and tater tots,
even though I said I
don't want him here.
Well, then what harm
is he doing, Karen?
His family farm is shady.
Did you know that they're
doing a streaming service?
I demand that you investigate.
How did they manage to
even show that their water
goes through to Denver?
Hello? Are you listening to me?
I want to talk to your manager.
I've already told you, Karen,
I don't have a manager.
Thanks, Mrs. Marsh.
Can you believe that?
The cops aren't even
gonna do anything.
Oh, well, at least
you tried, Karen.
- (chair scrapes floor) - It
just doesn't make sense.
How is that traitor
able to prove his water
makes it down to Denver?
Well, um...
maybe he got
some creative people
to put something on his stream.
Yeah, I'll bet you he did.
He's got to be paying
some expert or something.
Oh, if I could find that
guy, I'd pay him double.
Well, you know, at camp,
they had us build these...
little boats, that, uh...
They're kind of
tough to make, but...
I think that we could
make you something.
And then we could float
the boats downstream
from the farm with
little Tegridy sails
on them to show people
where the water's coming from.
Could you guys build
me a test boat right away?
Oh, uh, yeah, we could probably
build you something, yeah.
I can't wait to see the
look on that traitor's face
when he sees that we're in
the streaming business, too.
Last night, I had a
dream that Ariana Grande
was trying to fuck her
own ass with a gun,
but then she farted, and
blood shot out her dick.
(laughs) Ariana
Grande? That's hilarious.
STAN: Kyle.
Kenny. You guys, get over here.
Sit down, you guys.
We need to talk.
What's going on, dude?
Check this out.
Where'd you get that?
Making stuff for
streaming services.
Holy shit. Really?
We made these
for my family's farm.
Then we took another
deal to make them for Stan's.
So then we went out
and offered boats to, like,
three other farms,
and now they want stuff
for their streams, too.
- So, you guys want to help us?
- I don't get it.
You don't have
to. We don't, either.
You just have to make boats.
But we want to
keep it on the low
because we don't want
other kids copying us.
Are you guys gonna
have Cartman help?
No. He'll fuck it
all up somehow.
Okay, I'm in.
(sighs) Fuck.
Faster. Work faster.
We need to be up and running.
WATER COMMISSIONER: Excuse me.
Mr. Cussler, is it?
Who are you?
I'm the water commissioner.
I just, uh, wanted to see
what you're up to up here.
I'm not up to anything. Why?
Well, you know, there's
a lot of streaming services
starting up in this
town, and, uh...
word on the street is you
might be trying to outdo them all.
They're all just
small time creeks.
When it comes to
the Streaming Wars,
I intend to be the
Amazon... River.
Yeah, well, you see,
there's regulations,
Mr. Cussler.
There's state rules when
it comes to streaming.
And, uh, well,
if you don't follow them,
bad things can happen.
Is that right? Boys?
I'm not some pissant
little farmer, Commissioner.
You want to threaten me,
I'll threaten you right back.
I didn't mean to
threaten you, sir.
In fact,
I think I can help you.
(school bell rings)
We've only got 20
minutes left, you guys.
We've got to work faster.
I'm waiting on
more popsicle sticks.
Come on, Butters, you
have to speed up your station.
I'm sucking down popsicles
as fast as I can, fellas.
There you guys are.
How come you're in the
home ec room during recess?
Are those popsicle stick boats?
Oh, yeah. We're just
making some popsicle boats.
We're gonna, you know,
like, race them, you know.
You're gonna race all
those popsicle boats?
Yeah, just, you know,
race them, see which one wins.
Right-right, fellas?
Oh. That sounds like
a fun activity. Um...
I was just gonna ask you guys,
do you know any way
to, like, raise money?
What do you mean?
We have no idea what
you're talking about.
Okay, I just...
I need to try and raise
some money because...
my mom needs to have a surgery,
and we can't afford it.
Oh. Dude...
How much does your
mom need for her surgery?
About $10,000.
I'm sorry, you guys.
Just go back to your boat
races. I'll talk to you later.
Cartman, wait.
You actually can help us.
Yeah.
What do you mean?
Look, dude, we're
actually making money
for a streaming service.
- Really?
- TOLKIEN: Yeah, come on.
You can help us, and we'll
cut you in on the profits.
Oh, my God, what-what
streaming service is it?
It's a bunch of different ones.
Here, help me cut
out these masts.
Okay, yeah, sure.
And, Cartman, I'm sorry.
Thanks, Kyle.
It's a green boat.
(crowd cheering)
Anyone on the green boat
streaming service
can have their allotment
of water for the day.
Oh, here comes the white boat.
(crowd cheering)
Subscribers to
Kush Country Farms
Streaming service
have their allotments.
Escusi. Escusi.
Pi Pi's been a-waiting
all day for his water ticket.
My water park need water.
You'll just have to be patient.
There's a lot of different
streaming services now.
Yes, there's a-too
many streaming services.
There's a streaming
service for this-a,
and streaming
service for that-a.
Pi Pi can't find his stuff-a.
Why can't-a Pi Pi just have
a one streaming service
have-a everything?
Pi Pi got a streaming
service he like-a,
and then-a Pi
Pi's stuff not on it.
Pi Pi so confuse-a.
(scanner beeping)
Yeah, yeah, we're
getting more supplies now.
You guys just
keep building boats.
We'll be there fast as we can.
Dude, I'm starting to
think we took on too much.
- It's okay.
- It's not okay.
We haven't even
finished Karen's boats yet.
I do not want to piss Karen off.
Tolkien, I've told you,
don't worry about Karen.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Hello, boys. That's quite
a haul you have there.
My name is Mr. Cussler.
I bought some property up here.
I've been asking
around, and, uh...
I believe you're the
ones responsible...
for these?
- Maybe.
- Fantastic little boats.
I'm a big fan of your work.
I have a nice stream
going through my property,
and I'd like you to
make something for me.
- Oh, we're-we're pretty, uh...
- We're pretty loaded up, man.
Oh, I'm sure you are.
That's why I'd like to
make you an exclusive deal.
I want 10,000 of
your little boats,
and I'll pay you $15,000.
BOTH: $15,000?
But I'm gonna need them
right away. Say three days?
I have... big plans.
Dude, we can't make
10,000 boats in three days.
We'll do it.
Cartman, come on,
that looks like shit.
Come on what, Kyle?
Look, I-I know we're
making a lot of these,
but we still have to
make them look nice.
- Does it really matter?
- Yes, it matters.
The streaming services
are paying for nice boats.
BUTTERS: (laughs) They
don't give a fuck, Kyle.
They're gonna take
everything they can get.
Everyone knows,
at the end of the day,
there's only gonna be, like,
three streaming services,
so they, like, everyone
just wants to have their shit
on their stream and get
bought out, you know?
And they don't give a
fuck how good anything is.
And the people who made all
the deals, they don't give a fuck
'cause they're all gonna
get fired anyway, you know?
And everyone working
at this streaming service
is now working over at
that streaming service.
No one gives a shit about
what fucking goes on in it.
Butters, I-I think you've
had too many popsicles.
Yeah, I think maybe I've
had one too many popsicles.
(door opens)
You guys, you guys, we did it.
KENNY: What'd we do?
We just got an offer
for 10,000 boats.
It's $15,000, you guys.
That's almost $3,000 each.
- We're millionaires!
- Whoo-hoo!
Hey, hey, aren't you
guys forgetting something?
Cartman's mom's surgery?
Oh, right.
Well, what do you say, guys?
With this money,
before we do anything,
we pay for Cartman's
mom's surgery.
You definitely
have my share, Eric.
Mine, too.
I really...
really... don't fucking
deserve you guys.
Come on, let's get to work.
(water pipes creaking)
NEWS REPORTER (over TV): Just
how bad could the water situation get
for Park County
farmers this summer?
A new study says
this year's snowpack
has almost completely
melted, and, once again,
ManBearPig is to blame.
That's right, Tom. It
appears ManBearPig
has done a lot more damage
this year than originally predicted.
As the spring thaws continue,
we simply aren't
seeing that much water
from way up on
the mountain peaks.
If ManBearPig
is truly out there,
then farmers might
want to start looking
at the state of that
snowpack, Tom.
Over here.
Here!
What is all this? What happened?
The housing market up here...
it went crazy.
We've just been
selling properties
without sleeping or eating.
This property here was
the last to get an offer.
The seller countered,
but we haven't heard back,
and it's really a
buyer's market.
Who's buying it all?
Some rich guy from the city.
(coughs)
But we are currently
taking backup offers,
if you'd like. Do
you have a broker?
We are really the best in
town. My coworker Janice
sold over 100
listings in 72 hours.
Look at this.
They were right
about ManBearPig.
There's not nearly as
much snow as last year.
Yeah. There's a lot you
can do with this property.
It has explosive views
and a southern exposure
for those chilly winter nights.
You can't sell all
the land up here.
Can't you see they
just want the water?
That's probably why they asked
for the inspection contingency.
We countered with
an extra 20 days
until close of escrow.
(chuckles) We got them.
There's no snow up here.
There won't be enough
water for South Park.
You...
You could have a
walkout basement here
with room for an
outdoor kitchen.
Think of the
entertaining potential.
Do you like to entertain?
(yawns)
(chickens clucking)
(water rushing)
"Cussler Industries"?
Huh? Huh?
Oh!
My streaming service!
Happy surprise time
To you
Something's
happened that's cool...
What is this, Eric?
Just sit down right here
Your son has done
something cool.
Are you ready, Mom?
(giggles) Yes.
What is it, sweetie?
- Wait a minute, Eric, what is this?
- (door opens)
Okay, hello, Mrs.
Cartman. I'm Dr. Stevens.
I understand you're interested
in breast augmentation?
That's right, she is.
Well, there are a few options.
We prefer the
saline implants now.
They-they can
be put either under
the chest muscle or on top.
Did you have any idea what size
breasts you wanted to achieve?
The largest size.
Eric, I've told you
a hundred times,
I'm not getting a boob job.
Uh, I'm a bit confused
here, Mrs. Cartman.
Your procedure has already
been completely paid for.
- What?
- Surprise!
I raised all the
money, Mom. It's done.
No, Eric. I said I don't
want breast implants.
You said we couldn't afford it.
I went out, and I
worked every day,
and I got you the
money for new tits, Mom.
I'm fine with my
body the way it is.
You are, but rich guys
aren't. Am I right, Doctor?
Okay, uh, Mrs. Cartman,
if you'd like to just go
back up to the front office,
they can refund all the money.
No! No, Doctor, please,
I live in a hot dog!
Because he made me quit my job,
and I promised myself
I wouldn't give in
to him ever again.
Get fake tits or else
I'll call the police, Mom.
Do what you want,
Eric. I am done with this.
Fine, then I'll run away.
You'll just have
to run away, then.
I'll go live with Grandma.
I'm sure Grandma
would love that.
I've given in to you
too many times, Eric.
It stops now.
You're not gonna give in,
huh? We'll just see about that.
Doctor, keep those tits on ice.
(door opens)
(door closes)
What is that?
It's... it's a little boat.
Stan, are you making stuff
for other streaming services?
Stanley? We had a deal.
Are you making stuff for other
streaming services, yes or no?
Yes. This guy paid
us a shitload of money.
I paid you a shitload of money.
Yeah, we make them
for whoever pays us.
We make stuff
for Credigree, too.
For Credigree?
They're the enemy, Stan.
You live here.
You're exclusive
to Tegridy Weed.
(scoffs) Everyone is
fighting and trying to get rich,
and we're just in the
middle doing our thing.
Doing your thing. Wow.
You're a fucking dick.
How much money's enough, Stan?
Cock-sucking cunt.
- What is going on?
- Oh, nothing.
Your son and his friends
just made exclusive deals
for multiple streaming services.
Ugh.
Oh, but I guess
that's just Karen
being Karen again, huh?
Yeah, screw
whatever Karen thinks.
Maybe it's bad for
business, but fuck Karen.
Okay, I'm sorry.
We're going to march right
over to where this guy lives,
and tell him that you
can't possibly take on
another streaming
service without sacrificing
- the quality of your product.
- Rats.
(clears throat)
Well, Mom, I guess
I'll be leaving now.
Oh, really? Where are you going?
I can't do this anymore, Mom.
If you won't listen to me, then
I really don't have a choice.
Well, I'm very sorry
to hear that, Eric.
I hope you take
good care of yourself.
Okay, well, I guess I'll
just ask you one more time
if you would please
get fake tits. I know...
I'm not getting
breast implants, Eric.
Okay, that's fine.
So, you're running away?
Oh, I'm not running away, Mom.
No, that would be
the easy way out.
You remember when
I told you how easy
breast enhancement would be,
and you said, "If it's so
easy, why don't you do it?"
Well, I'm taking
your advice, Mom.
If you won't get fake
breasts, then I will.
- What?
- I've already paid the clinic,
and I'll just tell them that
the implants were for me.
You know it's 2022, right?
You know they do surgeries
like this to kids now?
Guess I'll just go
and get fake tits, Mom.
Well, Eric, I guess
that's just your choice.
Mom, I'm serious. It's 2022.
They do these kinds
of surgeries to kids now.
Yes, I know.
Okay, well, then I'm
gonna go to the doctor,
and I'm gonna go
get breast implants.
Okay.
Okay, Mom, I'm
going out the door.
Okay, sweetie, be safe.
Gonna go get fake tits now.
If that's what you want, Eric.
It's not what I want, it's what
you're making me do, Mom.
Okay, honey, well, I love you.
- Okay, well, I'll see you.
- Bye, honey.
Gonna go get breast implants.
I'll come pick you
up when you're done.
Cool.
Come on.
Yes?
Hello, we'd like to speak
with Mr. Cussler, please.
For what?
Well, I want to let him
know that my son here
made a streaming deal that
he had no business making.
Didn't you, Stan?
No, technically, no.
Technically what?
I'm afraid Mr. Cussler
can't see you.
Oh, really? Okay, well,
you go and tell him that
it's Karen Marsh, okay?
And that I will talk
to him right now.
He can't talk to you
because he's dead.
What?
Mr. Cussler's body was
found several hours ago.
He was... attacked
by ManBearPig.
(indistinct radio chatter)
Everyone keep this area clear.
I need casts of the footprints.
Keep your radios down. We
don't want the press showing up.
What's going on here?
Aw, shit, it's Karen.
(officers grumbling)
Hey, look, my son was
in business with this guy.
You really think he was
killed by ManBearPig?
Take a look for yourself.
Something tore him
apart and shit in his face.
Workers found him
late this morning.
The footprints
are those of a pig,
but the claw marks
are those of a bear,
and the excrement,
clearly that of a man.
Why would ManBearPig
single him out?
Apparently, this Cussler guy
was taking advantage
of the water supply.
ManBearPig must've gotten
some kind of vengeance
for the rich guy's greed.
Oh, no.
Karen? What is it?
Karen?
It's just that...
if ManBearPig was getting
vengeance on Cussler,
would he also want
to come after my son?
(knock on door)
Ah, yes. Come on-a in.
It's a-open.
Hello, Pi Pi. Do
you have a minute?
Oh, my good friend
from-a Credigree Farm-a.
So nice a-you to
visit. Mwah. Mwah.
Look. Everything going
good for-a Pi Pi water park.
Everyone having fun.
Yes, that's what I came
to talk to you about.
Pi Pi, I'm sorry, but...
I'm going to have to
cancel my streaming service.
What? Cancel-a Pi Pi?
The drought is worse
than everyone thought.
ManBearPig did a lot of
damage this year and...
I don't have enough
water for my crops.
Oh, that's too bad.
It's too bad 'cause
now you fucked, a-huh?
I need my water rights back,
or else my farm won't survive.
Oh, you make-a Pi Pi cry.
What-a you expect-a, huh?
It's a drought everywhere.
Why you think I buy your water?
You can-a suck Pi Pi dick, huh?
Hey, you son of a bitch.
You knew what you
were doing the whole time.
You think I'm just gonna
sit here and take it?
I'll call the water
commissioner.
Oh, no. No, you-you
don't have to call him.
He's right here.
Afternoon, pal.
How's the drought treating you?
So, the water
commissioner was working
for you the whole time.
Well, I don't have a problem
kicking both of your asses.
Oh, I'd be a little more
worried about the other guy.
(roaring)
(screeching)
ManBearPig. He's
working for you, too?
Everybody wants to get
in the streaming business.
You're the one who
bought all the properties
on the mountaintop.
You just have it all
figured out, don't you?
Yeah, looks like-a Pi Pi
has it all pretty figured out.
Goddamn it, I'm not
gonna let you... (screams)
(screams)
(choking)
I'm sorry, Pi Pi can't hear you.
(screaming)
(screaming)
How is he?
I believe he's
coming to, Doctor.
(groaning)
Hello, Eric. Just want to let
you know everything went fine.
We're gonna let the
anesthesia wear off
a little more, and then
we can let you go home.
(stammers)
Okay. Um, cool.
CARTMAN'S MOM:
Well, you did it, Eric.
I hope you're happier now.
They all said you
were very insistent.
That you said you'd
cancel them if they didn't
put breast implants
in one of us.
I-I...
I-I have fake tits?
CARTMAN'S MOM:
They said that tube
is for draining blood while
the swelling goes down.
Your breasts are swollen now
as a reaction to the implants.
Okay, well, now that you
see how serious I was,
what're you gonna do now?
I'm gonna go down and get
some grocery shopping done.
Mom?
I will go to school like this.
You're gonna have to
give in at some point.
Mom?
(school bell rings)
Well, have you guys
seen Butters or Cartman?
- What the hell is going on?
- I don't know, but we have
a lot of boats to make,
and recess is almost over.
You guys. You guys.
There you are.
What's wrong dude?
Um, we need to stop making
stuff for streaming services.
What're you talking about?
It's all getting really weird.
The guy we made the
deal with? He was killed.
He was killed?
I think we got
greedy. I got greedy.
We should've never gotten
involved in the streaming wars.
They've upset the
balance of nature.
Hey, whoa, whoa, Stan.
We weren't greedy, okay?
We made the money
for a good reason.
Yeah, dude. Don't forget,
everything we did
was for a good cause.
CARTMAN: You guys.
You guys, something
is seriously wrong with my mom.
She's acting crazy.
Are any of your parents
acting weird at all?
Hey, fellas, are we making
more boats for the... Whoa, hello!
Jesus, what
happened to you, Eric?
Okay, okay, fine. I was hoping
everyone would just be cool,
but I guess we need to talk
about the elephants in the room.
This was not a choice.
You guys, I...
I live in a hot dog, okay?
And all I want is to
have a real home,
and a room that is
mine to sleep in at night.
To... Is something funny, Clyde?
(stifled laughter)
Yeah, it's real funny.
If I were you guys,
I'd be super pissed
at my mom because you
worked hard for this money.
All right, Cartman,
stop fucking around.
Obviously, those aren't real.
I didn't say they're
real. They're not real.
They're silicone implants
surgically inserted
under the chest muscle.
Nobody believes you
actually got fake tits.
These are real fake tits.
Kenny, feel them.
Go on. feel them.
Those are fucking real, dude.
- What?
- Thank you, Kenny.
Now, if we can all get
our minds off fucking boobs
for a second, something's
happened to my mom.
TOLKIEN: Mom? Mom, what's wrong?
Mom, slow down, I
can't understand you.
What do you mean Dad is missing?
See?
I want to congratulate
you, Pi Pi.
It appears you've won
the streaming wars.
And I want to thank-a
you for your service.
It's been-a nice
working with you.
(chuckles) You think it's over?
You're gonna need
me more than ever.
Oh, but, uh, but I have-a
everything I need now.
Water?
You silly little guy.
You really think you
own all the water now?
You know who
actually owns the water?
The State of Colorado.
Every drop that
rains from the sky.
Your little water rights won't
mean anything when Arizona
comes knocking, when
Kansas wants all their water.
Oh, no. You make-a Pi Pi worry.
You're gonna need me
for a long time, buddy.
You know who
really own the water?
Nobody.
Now, the people a Denver,
they think they
have-a plenty of water,
so they gonna go and use it all.
And when all the
water is-a gone,
there's only one thing
left for people to use.
The one thing that-a Pi Pi
have more than everybody, huh?
No, no, no. It's good.
It's completely safe.
Just a little salty, eh?
You're planning on selling piss?
It's-a, it's-a destiny.
All the fresh water go bye-bye.
Everybody gonna have to
wash their clothes in pee.
Brush their teeth in pee, no?
And who has the most pee
in all the land-a?
Only a psychopath would
speed up climate change
for his own profit.
Yeah, well, you see, ManBearPig,
eventually, he
gonna kill everybody.
He just gonna kill you first.
- (screaming)
- (roaring)
("Use Me" by Bill
Withers playing)
(water commissioner
continues screaming)
They keep trying to tell me
All you want to do is use me
Uh-huh, but my answer
Yeah, to all
that use me stuff
I-I-I, yes, I want
To spread the news
That if it feels this
good getting used
Oh, you just keep
on using me...
(laughter)
Until you use me up
Until you use me up
My brother
Sit me right down
And he talked to me
Uh-huh
And I want to
spread the news
That if it feels this
good getting used
Girl, you just
keep on using me
Until you use me up
Until you use me up
They keep trying to tell me
All you want to do is use me
Uh-huh, but my answer
Uh-huh
Yeah, to all
that use me stuff
I-I-I, yes, I want
to spread the news
That if it feels this
good getting used
Oh, you just
keep on using me.