Spaceballs (1987) Movie Script

- Colonel Sandurz!
- What is it, Sergeant Ricco?
You told me to let you know the moment
Planet Druidia was in sight, sir.
- So?
- Planet Druidia's in sight, sir.
You're really a Spaceball.
- You know that, don't you?
- Thanks, sir.
- Have you notified Lord Helmet?
- Yes, sir. He's on his way.
Make way for Dark Helmet.
All rise in the presence of Dark Helmet.
I can't breathe in this thing!
- We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
- Good.
I'll call Spaceball City
and notify President Skroob.
I already called him, sir.
He knows everything.
You went over my helmet?
Not exactly over, sir.
Uh, m-m-more to the side.
I'll always call you first.
It'll never happen again. Never, ever!
Oh, shit!
No, no, no, no! No, no!
Please, please, please! No, no, not that!
Yes, that.
- Sandurz!
- Sir?
I don't see Planet Druidia. Where is it?
We have it on the radar screen.
Shall I punch it up for you?
- Nah, I'll do it myself.
- Very good, sir.
What's the matter with this thing?
You call that a radar screen?
No, sir. We call it... Mr Coffee.
Care for some?
- I always have coffee when I watch radar.
- Of course.
- Everybody knows that.
- Of course we do, sir.
Now that I have my coffee,
I'm ready to watch radar.
Where is it?
- Right here, sir.
- Switch to teleview.
There it is. Planet Druidia.
And under the air shield
- We must get through the shield.
- We will, sir.
Once we kidnap the princess, her father'll
give us the combination to the air shield,
thereby destroying Planet Druidia
and saving Planet Spaceball.
Everybody got that?
- Good. When will the princess marry?
- Within the hour, sir.
Well, I hope it's a long ceremony,
cos it's gonna be a short honeymoon.
Hot! Too hot!
Oh, if only your mother
were alive to see this day.
- Everyone ready?
- Yes, Your Majesty.
- No. Where's my droid of honour?
- Oh, dear, yes! Where's Dot?
Dot Matrix!
Oh, thank God.
- Where have you been?
- Here I am.
Sorry. I had to make a pit stop.
I'm so excited, I couldn't hold my oil.
All right, people. It's magic time.
Right, everyone starting on the left foot.
- Daddy, that's your right foot.
- It's too late. Keep going.
- Must I go through with this?
- I'm sorry, my dear. You have to.
But, Daddy?
I don't love him.
I'm sorry, Vespa.
He's the last prince left in the galaxy.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
on this most joyous occasion
to witness Princess Vespa,
daughter of King Roland,
going right past the altar,
heading down the ramp, and out the door!
Stop her! Someone, stop her! Stop her!
Hey, wait! You forgot to get married.
Will you stop?
- What are you doing?
- No questions, Dot. Get in!
Where is she going?! Where is she going?
Come ba...!
- Barf?
- Always when I'm eating.
- What can I do you for?
- Where you been?
- Grabbin' a snack. Want some?
- No.
- Little hair of the dog?
- No! Listen, answer that for me.
- Will you watch that?
- Oh, sorry.
I'll just throw on your audio.
That way they won't see you.
- Y'hello!
- Hello, Lone Starr.
Sorry, wrong switch.
Hello, Vinnie. What do you want?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
It's not what I want.
It's what he wants.
Pizza The Hutt!
Well, if it isn't Lone Starr
and his sidekick, Puke.
- That's Barf.
- Barf, Puke, whatever!
- Where's my money?
- Don't worry. You'll have it by next week.
No, no. I gotta have it by tomorrow.
A hundred thousand space bucks...
by tomorrow?!
A hundred thousand?
No way! You forgot late charges,
which brings it up to,
uh... one million space bucks.
A million?! That's unfair.
Unfair to the pay-or,
but not to the pay-ee.
But you're gonna pay it
or else.
- Or else what?
- Tell him, Vinnie.
Or else Pizza
is gonna send out for you.
You're delicious.
Ciao, boys.
Can we talk?
OK, we all know Prince Valium is a pill.
But you could've married him for your
father, then had a headache for 25 years.
Will you turn that thing off?
What is it?
I was saying,
do you realise what you've done?
Yes! And I'm glad.
Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad.
I wonder if she's glad.
Don't be ridiculous!
As president of Planet Spaceball,
I can assure both you and your viewers
that there's absolutely
no air shortage whatsoever.
Yes, of course.
I've heard the same rumour myself.
Yes, thanks for calling
and not reversing the charges. Yes, bye.
President Skroob?
This is Central Control.
Commanderette Zircon speaking, sir.
What is it?
Lord Helmet has just notified us
that Princess Vespa is in sight.
- And Spaceball One is closing in on her.
- Good, good.
We have both ships coming up
on the Teledar, sir, if you wish to observe.
- I'll be down immediately.
- Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir?
I don't know about that
beaming stuff. Is it safe?
Oh, yes, sir.
Snotty beamed me twice last night.
It was wonderful.
All right, I'll take a shot at it.
What the hell, it works on "Star Trek".
- Beam him down.
- Yes, sir. Immediately, sir.
Great beasties! His head!
- It's on backwards!
- Well, this is terrible! Do something!
I'm sorry, sir. There must have been
a micro-converter malfunction.
Why didn't somebody tell me
my ass was so big?
Hold on, sir. We'll try to reverse the beam.
Could be the interlocking system.
Lock one. Lock two. Lock three.
Loch Lomond.
Are you all right, Mr President?
Fine, fine, no thanks to you.
- We'll beam you back, sir.
- Forget it, forget it. No more beaming.
This time I'm gonna walk!
President Skroob! Salute!
Hail, Skroob!
- Hello, President Skroob.
- Oh, uh...
- Hello, Charlene.
- I'm Marlene!
- Hello, Marlene.
- I'm Charlene!
Chew your gum.
- Where's the princess?
- Right there, sir.
To the left, approaching Spaceball One
at 1500 light leagues per minute.
Good, good! She's almost in our grasp.
Tell Dark Helmet
he must take the princess alive.
Princess Vespa's spaceship within range.
Fire a warning shot across her nose.
What's going on?
It's either the Fourth of July,
or someone's trying to kill us!
Hey, I don't have to put up with this.
I'm rich.
- What are you doing?
- I'm calling my father.
Careful, you idiot!
I said across her nose, not up it!
Sorry, sir. Doing my best.
- Who made that man a gunner?
- I did, sir.
He's my cousin.
- Who is he?
- He's an Asshole, sir.
- I know that! What's his name?
- That is his name, sir. Major Asshole.
- And his cousin?
- An Asshole, too. Gunner Phillip Asshole.
How many Assholes
we got on this ship anyhow?
I knew it. I'm surrounded by Assholes.
Keep firing, Assholes!
Hurry, Daddy! Hurry!
There are laser blasts all around us!
I'm scared.
King Roland to Lone Starr!
King Roland to Lone Starr! Are you there?
Lone Starr, you've got to help me. My
daughter's being attacked by Spaceballs.
Spaceballs? Forget it. Too dangerous.
Besides, I'm already numero uno
on Dark Helmet's hit list.
Look, Your Highness,
it's not that we're afraid.
It's just that we've got this thing
about death. It's not us.
You're the only ones that can save her!
I'll give you anything!
Did you hear me? Anything!
- Anything?
- Yes, anything!
- OK, we'll do it for... a million.
- A million!
Oh, you're starting to fade,
Your Highness.
All right, I'll pay it. Only find her, save her.
All right, King. You just made a deal.
One princess for one million space bucks.
- What's she driving?
- A brand-new white Mercedes 2001
SEL limited edition.
Moonroof, all-leather interior.
I got it at a good price. I paid cash.
My cousin Prince Murray has
a dealership. He was very nice to me.
We get the idea.
Where was she last seen?
- She was just passing Jupiter Two.
- We'll find her.
Please, bring her back safely!
And if it's at all possible,
try to save the car.
One million space bucks!
We can pay off Pizza!
Gimme paw!
What's happening?
What's that glow?
- We're not moving.
- Oh, we're moving all right.
There's our princess. She's got company.
Oh, no. Spaceballs. And they've
got her in their magnetic beam.
Oh, well, we're too late.
I'll just reverse and we'll go.
Barf! No. Bad.
Why are we risking our lives
for a princess? I know we need money...
We're not just doing this for money.
We're doing it for a shitload of money!
Oh, you're right.
And when you're right, you're right.
And you're always right.
OK, we save her, but how?
They're gonna spot us on their radar.
- Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.
- Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.
Uh-uh, not if we jam it.
Aha! You're right.
- Down scope!
- Down scope.
Radar about to be
- What is it?
- Can I talk to you for a moment, sir?
- Well?
- Trouble with the radar, sir
You don't need that, Private. What is it?
Trouble with the radar, sir
- What is it?!
- Trouble with the radar.
- What's wrong?
- I've lost the bleeps, sweeps and creeps.
- The what?
- The what?
You know. The bleeps:
The sweeps:
And the creeps:
That's not all he's lost.
Sir. The radar, sir. It appears to be
There is only one man
who would dare give me the raspberry.
Lone Starr!
- What was that?
- Never mind that. What was that?
- Who are you?
- Barf.
Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes.
No, that's my name. Barf.
Barf? What are you?
I'm a mog. Half man, half dog.
I'm my own best friend.
What do you want?
Your father hired Lone Starr and me
to save you. We gotta go.
- Good. Quick. Hurry. Follow the dog.
- Mog. I'm a mog.
Wait. What about my matched luggage?
Hey, stop looking up my can.
Checking in?
What the hell is all that?
Her Royal Highness's matched luggage!
Her Royal Highness's matched luggage.
Oh, matched luggage, huh? What's
she think this is, a Princess Cruise?
- Well, she wouldn't go without it.
- Oh, yeah?
Now hear this! The minute we get
outta here the first thing we do is
dump the matched luggage!
Who was that?
Now you hear this, whoever you are.
You will not touch that luggage
And, furthermore,
I want this pigsty cleaned up.
I will not be rescued in such filth.
Listen! On this ship,
I don't take orders, I give 'em.
This is my dreamboat, sweetheart
- Sweetheart?
- Uh-oh.
How dare you speak to me that way!
You will address me as
"Your Royal Highness"
I am Princess Vespa.
Daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.
That's all we needed.
A Druish princess.
Funny, she doesn't look Druish.
Now we will show her
who is in charge of this galaxy.
Hold it!
I'll handle this personally.
Jawohl, Lord Helmet.
So, Princess Vespa,
you thought you could outwit
the forces of Planet Spaceball.
Well, you were wrong.
You are now our prisoner. And you
will be held hostage until such time
as all of the air is transferred
from your planet
to ours.
She's not in there!
Radar repaired, sir. We're
picking up the outline of a Winnebago
Lone Starr.
Lone Starr...
- Uh-oh, here comes the Badyear blimp.
- We'd better get outta here in a hurry.
- Switch to secret hyper jets.
- Switching to secret hyper jets.
Buckle up back there,
we're going into... hyperactive.
We're closing in on them, sir.
Soon Lone Starr will be ours.
Good. Prepare to attack.
Prepare to attack!
On the count of three.
late! What happened? Where are they?
I don't know, sir.
They must have hyper jets.
- And what have we got? A Cuisinart?
- No, sir.
- Well, find them! Catch them!
- Yes, sir!
- Prepare ship for light speed.
- No, no, light speed is too slow.
- Light speed too slow?
- Yes. We're gonna have to go right to
- ludicrous speed.
- Ludicrous speed?
We've never gone that fast.
Maybe the ship can't take it.
What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz?
Prepare ship...
Prepare ship for ludicrous speed.
Fasten all seat belts.
Seal all entrances and exits.
Close all shops in the mall.
Cancel the three-ring circus.
- Secure all animals in the zoo...
- Shut up, you petty excuse for an officer!
Now hear this. Ludicrous speed!
- Sir, hadn't you better buckle up?
- Oh, buckle this!
Ludicrous speed! Go!
What have I done?
My brains... are going into my feet.
What the hell was that?
Spaceball One.
They've gone to plaid!
We passed them! Stop this thing!
We can't stop. It's too dangerous.
We've got to slow down first.
Just stop this thing! I order you!
Here, sir, here. Let me help you, sir.
- Are you all right, sir?
- Fine. How have you been?
- Fine, sir.
- Good.
- Good thing you were wearing a helmet.
- Yeah.
What shall we do now, sir?
- Well... Are we stopped?
- We're stopped, sir.
- Why don't we take a five-minute break?
- Very good, sir.
Smoke if you got 'em.
- Take her out of hyperactive.
- Takin' her out of hyperactive.
Congrats, boss. We did it.
They must've overshot us by a week.
- OK. Set a course for Druidia.
- Setting a course for Drui-i-i-i...
- What's that?
- I don't know. We're losin' power.
We're out of gas!
- Must have burned it up in hyper.
- Should've put more than $5 worth in!
OK, we'll have to set her down.
Prepare for an emergency landing.
- Quick, give me a reading.
- "Our Father, who art in heaven..."
Stop that!
Keep your seat belts on.
You OK, Princess?
No, you idiot!
Where'd you learn how to fly?
OK, Eagle Five coming in.
Go left. Right! I mean right! Whoa!
- Where are you going?
- I am going to tell him off once and for all.
We'll need him to get us out of here.
Called me an idiot? I'm goin' back there
and explain a few things to her.
Besides, he's got a sexy voice.
He might be cute.
- You haven't seen what she looks like.
- I have. All princesses look the same.
Cute! I know these space bums.
They're all alike.
- Fat, ugly,
- Bucktoothed, knock-kneed,
- beer-swilling pigs.
- horse-faced space dogs.
Normally I'd...
Ooh! That's gonna leave a mark.
Now, listen, you...
You listen. On this ship you're to refer
to me as "idiot", not "you Captain".
- I mean... You know what I mean.
- And you will not call me "you".
You will never address me as "you".
You will call me "Your Royal Highness"!
You are a royal pain in the...
- Whoa! Hold it. Time.
- What?
May I make a suggestion? Any minute
the Spaceballs will make a U-turn,
head back this way and make us all dead.
He's right. Let's go.
Wait. My things.
Now, listen, you royal...
Take only what you need to survive.
Please, slow down.
I'm getting sand up my gears.
Gee, I hope she didn't forget anything.
All right, wait a minute, Barf. Put it down.
- What the hell's in this thing?
- I dunno.
What's this?
I said take only what you need to survive.
It's my industrial-strength hair dryer.
And I can't live without it!
OK, Princess, that's it.
The fairy tale is over.
Welcome to real life.
You want this hot-air machine,
you carry it.
You pick that up.
You pick that up.
How dare you, you insolent peasant!
Nobody talks to me that way. Nobody!
Well, what have we got here?
Will you look at her?
Those flashing eyes, those
flushed cheeks, those trembling lips.
You know something, Princess?
You are ugly when you're angry.
- Uh-oh.
- That's it.
- You and your dog are...
- Please, please,
total humans, droids, if I may.
It'll be dark soon,
so I suggest we find a place to camp.
Come, darling.
- See? It's lighter.
- Oh, yeah. This is the best.
I could have carried two or three of these.
Have you found them yet?
No, Lord Helmet.
They're still not on the scanner.
Well, keep looking for them.
Pardon me, sir. I have an idea.
Corporal, get me the video cassette
of "Spaceballs: The Movie".
Yes, sir.
"The Producers", "Blazing Saddles",
"Young Frankenstein"...
- Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you?
- Yes, sir.
How can there be a cassette
of the movie? We're still making it!
True, sir. But there's been a breakthrough
in home-video marketing.
- There has?
- Yes. Instant cassettes.
They're out in stores
before the movie is finished.
- Nah!
- Here it is, sir.
- "Spaceballs".
- Good work, Corporal. Punch it up.
- Prepare to fast-forward.
- Preparing to fast-forward.
- Fast-forward!
- Fast-forwarding, sir.
No, no, no, go past this. Past this part.
In fact, never play this again.
Try here. Stop.
What the hell am I looking at?
When does this happen in the movie?
Now. You're looking at now. Everything
that happens now is happening now.
- And then?
- We passed then.
- When?
- Just now. We're at now, now.
- Go back to then.
- When?
- Now.
- Now?
- Now!
- I can't. We missed it.
- When?
- Just now.
- When will then be now?
- Soon.
- How soon?
- Sir, we've identified their location.
- Where?
- The moon of Vega.
- Prepare for our arrival.
- When?
- 1900 hours.
- By tomorrow they'll be our prisoners.
- No, thank you. I'm perfectly all right.
- Take it. It's freezing.
If you insist.
- Won't you be cold?
- Nah, cold never bothers me.
I can't seem to find Druidia.
It's right there.
- Where?
- There. It's that bright blue one. See?
Oh, yeah, but it's so far a...
Don't worry. I'll get you there.
- Which one's yours?
- Who knows?
- You don't know where you're from?
- No. I was found outside a monastery.
- Monastery? Where?
- Somewhere in the Ford Galaxy.
Didn't the monks say
who your parents were?
They couldn't. They took a vow of silence.
All I got was this. It was around my neck.
- What is it?
- I don't know.
I've taken it to every wise man in the
universe. Nobody can tell me what it says.
It's beautiful.
You know, I...
It's beautiful.
So, how come you ran away
from your wedding?
Well, if you must know,
I wasn't in love with the groom.
- Why were you gonna marry him?
- Because!
I'm a princess
and I have to marry a prince.
Ah! And he doesn't do it for you, huh?
No, he doesn't do it for me.
I really must go back.
I shouldn't have run away.
I realise now that love
is one luxury a princess cannot afford.
You're probably right.
I know now that I must learn to live
without... love.
I guess so.
- Besides, love isn't that important.
- Nah, it never was.
I could be perfectly happy
the rest of my life without...
Sure you could.
Without physical contact.
Without being held.
Or kissed.
Abandon ship! Abandon ship!
Women and mogs first!
We'll have none of that, mister.
- How far did he get? What'd he touch?
- Nothing happened.
- What the hell was that noise?
- That was my virgin alarm.
It's programmed to go off before you do.
You get back to bed, miss.
And as for you, sex fiend...
All right, let's all just get some sleep.
We gotta get moving before dawn.
- Why so early?
- Because we're in the middle of a desert,
and we aren't gonna get very far
once that blazing sun gets overhead.
Nice dissolve.
Water. Water.
Oil. Oil.
Room service. Room service.
Chief, that's it.
I can't... I can't go any further.
- I can't go any further.
- Come on, Barf, old buddy.
- No!
- Just one more dune to go.
No! You said that three dunes ago.
I got no more left.
Oh, waiter. Check, please.
Must go on.
Must go on!
Must go on...
Who am I kidding?
Oh. Thanks, little guy.
Oh, thank you.
Did I miss something?
When did we get to Disneyland?
- I don't see them, Sandurz.
- I've sent the troops on ahead, sir.
- Good. Get moving.
- Driver, prepare to move out.
What are you preparing? Just go!
- Just go.
- Yes, sir.
Sir, shouldn't you sit down?
- What are they saying?
- They want us to go with them.
- What is this place?
- It looks like the Temple of Doom.
Well, it ain't Temple Beth Israel.
Come on. I think we better follow 'em.
Oh-oh, I think we woke it up.
- Goodbye. Let me know how it turns out.
- Come back, Dot!
- Come on, we gotta keep goin'.
- We need you.
- What's gonna happen now?
- Don't ask. Maybe it won't.
- What if it does? I'm all for leaving!
- Barf, no!
I think we get outta here now
while the going's good!
Who dares enter the sacred and awesome
presence of the everlasting know-it-all,
- You heard of me?
- Heard of you? Who hasn't heard of you?
Yogurt, the wise.
- Yogurt, the all-powerful!
- Yogurt, the magnificent.
Please, please, don't make a fuss.
I'm just plain Yogurt.
- But you're the one...
- Yes!
I am the keeper of a greater magic.
A power known throughout the universe
- as the...
- Force?
No. The Schwartz.
The Schwartz.
The Schwartz.
But, Yogurt, what is this place?
What is it that you do here?
- Merchandising.
- Merchandising. What's that?
Merchandising. Come, I'll show you.
Open up the store.
Come! Walk this way! Take a look.
We put the picture's name on everything!
Merchandising! Merchandising!
Where the real money
from the movie is made.
"Spaceballs" - the T-shirt.
"Spaceballs" - the colouring book.
"Spaceballs" - the lunchbox.
"Spaceballs" - the breakfast cereal.
"Spaceballs" - the flame thrower!
The kids love this one.
Last, but not least. "Spaceballs" - the doll.
May the Schwartz be with you
- President Skroob.
- What is it?
I have an urgent message from
Lord Helmet. He's lost the princess.
- Where?
- Somewhere in the sands of Vega.
Tell them to comb the desert,
do you hear me? Comb the desert!
Yes, sir.
- Sir?
- What?
- Are we being too literal?
- No, you fool, we're following orders
We were told to comb the desert,
so we're combing it
Found anything yet?
Nothing yet, sir.
How about you?
Not a thing, sir.
What about you guys?
We ain't found shit!
It's a big mystery. None of the wise men
could tell me what it means.
Wise men, pshaw. Wise guys, you mean.
What do they know?
Here, let me take a look.
- You can read it!
- No, I was just clearing my throat.
Here, let me take a...
Ah. Ooh, yes.
Yes, yes, of course!
- You understand it?
- Yes.
- What's it say?
- I cannot tell you that now.
- It'll be revealed to you at the proper time.
- Great.
Don't be disappointed.
Back to your Schwartz training.
Here, take the ring.
Point it at that big statue.
OK, but I still don't understand how I'm
gonna lift a big statue with this little ring.
Never underestimate
the power of the Schwartz!
Come on, concentrate. Here we go.
Lone Starr, you're doing it!
You're doing it!
I can't believe it. The Schwartz is working!
Yes! Yes!
Hey, boss, how'd you do that?
Give me the ring. Give me the ring, quick!
Upsee-dahzee, upsee-mahzee,
Sorry, Barf.
Keep searching.
- It's no use. We've searched everywhere.
- Wait. I feel the presence of
the Schwartz!
- The Schwartz?
- Yes.
It's coming from somewhere... down
You're right, sir.
There's a secret entrance here.
And look at this insignia. It's a "Y".
Yogurt! Yogurt!
I hate yogurt! Even with strawberries.
- I'll call for the attack squad.
- No, we can't go in.
Yogurt has the Schwartz.
It's too powerful.
But, sir, don't you have the Schwartz, too?
He got the upside, I got the downside.
Each Schwartz has two sides.
Then how are we gonna go in there
and get her?
We will not go in there.
She will come out to us.
Vespa, Vespa, my child
Where are you?
Vespa, it's your father, King Roland
- Come to me
- Daddy?
I hear you. I hear you. Where are you?
Follow my voice
Come to me
Come to me
Vespa, where are you going?
Vespa, come to me.
Daddy! Is it really you?
Yes, my dear. I guarantee it.
Would I lie?
No, Vespa, don't!
Fooled you.
Take them both aboard
and put the princess in my quarters.
Now she is mine.
- What are they saying?
- They've taken the princess!
Spaceballs. Too late.
Don't worry, boss. We'll get her back.
- Thanks for the gas, Yogurt.
- You're welcome.
And here. Just in case you get hungry.
- A fortune cookie?
- Yes.
Remember: open it before you eat it.
Thanks. Well, we better get going.
I wonder...
Will we ever see each other again?
Who knows? God willing,
we'll all meet again in "Spaceballs Il:
The Search for More Money".
- Goodbye, Lone Starr.
- Goodbye, Yogurt.
The ring of the Schwartz!
- No, no, I can't take this.
- Take it, take it.
- You might need it.
- Thanks.
I'll never forget you.
Wish me luck.
So, Princess Vespa,
at last I have you in my clutches
to have my way with you
the way I want to.
No! No! Please, leave me alone.
No, you are mine.
Not so fast, Helmet. Lone Starr!
Yes, it's me.
I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey.
Now you are going to die. Psst!
Oh, oh! Oh!
What'd you do to him? The same thing
I'm going to do to you, big boy. Oh!
And you, too. Oh! Argh!
Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone.
Oh, no, I hate you. Leave me alone.
Yet I find you strangely attractive.
Of course you do.
Druish princesses are often
attracted to money and power.
And I have both. And you know it.
Oh, leave me alone. No, kiss me!
No! No! Yes! No!
No! Yes! No! Yes!
Oh, your helmet is so big.
- Lord Helmet.
- What?
- You're needed on the bridge, sir.
- Knock on my door! Knock next time!
- Yes, sir.
- Did you see anything?
No, I didn't see you
playing with your dolls.
President Skroob.
I told you never to call me on this wall!
This is an unlisted wall.
Sorry, sir, but it's very important.
The princess is in your office
and Lord Helmet is awaiting you there.
- All right, all right. I'll be right there.
- Yes, sir.
Helmet, you fiend! What's going on?
What are you doing to my daughter?
Permit me to introduce
the brilliant young plastic surgeon,
Dr Phillip Schlotkin.
The greatest nose-job man
in the entire universe and Beverly Hills.
- Your Highness.
- Nose job? She's already had a nose job.
It was her Sweet-16 present.
No, it's not what you think.
It's much, much worse.
If you do not give me
the combination to the air shield,
Dr Schlotkin will give your daughter back
her old nose!
- Where did you get that?
- All right, I'll tell. I'll tell.
- No, Daddy, no! You mustn't.
- You're right, my dear.
I'll miss your new nose, but I will not
tell him the combination, no matter what.
Very well. Dr Schlotkin, do your worst.
My pleasure.
No! Wait! Wait!
I'll tell. I'll tell.
I knew it would work.
All right. Give it to me.
The combination is
- One.
- One.
- Two.
- Two.
- Three.
- Three.
- Four.
- Four.
- Five.
- Five.
So the combination is
one, two, three, four, five.
That's the stupidest combination
I ever heard!
It's what an idiot has on his luggage.
Thank you, Your Highness.
- What did you do?
- I turned off the wall.
- No, you turned off the movie.
- Wrong button.
- Well, put it back up!
- Yes, sir!
You gotta get that thing fixed! We're back,
and we have the combination.
- Schlotkin!
- What?
We're done. Go back to the golf course
and work on your putts.
Let's go, Arnold. Come, Gretchen.
Of course I'll still have to bill you for this.
Oh! I bet she gives great helmet.
- Did it work?
- Yes, sir. We have the combination.
Great! Now we can take every last breath
of fresh air from Planet Druidia.
- What's the combination?
- One, two, three, four, five.
- One, two, three, four, five?
- Yes.
That's amazing. I've got
the same combination on my luggage.
- Prepare Spaceball One for departure.
- Yes, sir.
And change the combination
on my luggage.
There it is. Spaceball City straight ahead.
Good. I'm taking her in.
What the hell is that thing?
Looks like a Winnebago with wings. Jeez.
Hey, you can't park here!
Yeah. Can't you guys read? "No Parking".
That son of a...
All right, hands up.
You're under arrest for illegal parking.
Warden Miller, Warden Miller
You're wanted in V17
Attention, attention
Section C scanners, report
- She's gotta be in one of these cells.
- Yeah, but which one?
- No.
- No.
- It's coming from here.
- That can't be her.
It's her!
She's a bass!
- What do you want?
- It's me!
- It's us!
- Lone Starr!
- How did you find us?
- No time to talk. Come on.
- We gotta move.
- Barf, how'd you do it?
Come on.
Hey, those are the guys
that stole our uniforms!
And beat the shit out of us, too!
Uh-oh, we got company!
Watch out!
Dammit! That's our only way out.
- We're trapped!
- I hate these movies.
- Oh. I'm out of ammo!
- Get back! I'll hold 'em off!
I got an idea!
- What are you doing?
- What's he doing?
Good work.
Uh-oh, more ping pongs! Run for it.
Let's go!
It's closing!
- The door's closing!
- Go for broke!
Don't move, or you're dead. Stand up!
Captain, we've got them.
Spectacular stunt, my friends.
But all for naught.
Turn around, please.
Ah, what a pity.
What a pity.
So, Princess, you thought you could
outwit the imperious force of...
You idiots! These are not them!
You've captured their stunt doubles!
Search the area. Find them!
Find them!
- Open the door!
- I can't. It's fused.
- And this one?
- It's locked.
- The keys?
- Inside.
- Oh, great!
- Duck!
- Here, you hold 'em off. I'll get the door.
- I'm not shooting this thing. I hate guns.
My hair! He shot my hair.
Son of a bitch!
Holy shit!
- How was that?
- Not bad.
- Not bad... for a girl.
- Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo.
Let's blow this joint.
President Skroob!
- Salute!
- Hail, Skroob!
The ship is too big.
If I walk, the movie'll be over.
- Sir.
- Yes? Ooh!
Never have that damn thing down
in front of me!
How do I know you're not
making faces at me under that?
President Skroob.
There it is. Planet Druidia.
Ah, Planet Druidia.
And 10,000 years of fresh air.
- Way he runs things, it won't last 100.
- What?
- Preparing ship for metamorphosis, sir.
- Good. Get on with it.
Ready, Kafka?
Look, it's Spaceball One.
- They've reached the air shield
- And it's opening
The ship's too big
How they gonna get the air out?
I don't see any hoses.
What's happening?
The ship... is changing.
Oh, my gosh.
It's not just a spaceship.
It's a Transformer!
- It's changing into
- A gigantic
- Maid?
- With a vacuum cleaner
So that's how
they're gonna get the air out
Metamorphosis completed, sir.
Spaceball One has now become
- Good.
- Remarkable.
Now, commence Operation
Suck. Suck. Suck!
Goodbye, little Vespa.
My... little... Vespa.
- The air bag, it's almost full!
- What'll we do?
We've gotta act fast.
Step one: we reverse the vacuum
and blow the air back on to the planet.
Step two: we destroy that thing.
- But isn't that dangerous?
- Extremely. Plus,
I don't know
how the hell we're gonna do it.
- What about that ring Yogurt gave you?
- Oh, yeah.
- But...
- Come on, boss. Give it a shot.
OK. Here goes nothing.
- Look at that
- Wow!
It's working!
Come on, Schwartz.
Come on, Schwartz. Come on, Schwartz!
- Helmet, what's going on?
- Sandurz, what's going on?
It's Megamaid.
She's gone from suck to blow.
What? They're getting their air back.
- Do something.
- Do something.
Do something!
I'm breathing.
- Dim the lights.
- Dimming the lights.
- Go to infrared.
- Going to infrared.
- Pray to God.
- Praying to God.
Careful. Careful.
What are you doing?
There's gotta be a self-destruct
mechanism in the central brain area.
- I think we just found it.
- Where?
Bingo! There it is.
It's right below us.
- Put her in hover, Barf.
- Putting her in hover.
- I'm going down there.
- He's going down there.
I wouldn't.
What the hell are you doing?
The... Vulcan neck pinch?
No, no, no, stupid.
You got it much too high.
It's down here
where the shoulder meets the neck.
- Like this?
- Yeah!
Handprint identification, please
Handprint identification, please
Handprint identification, please
Thanks again.
Is that you, Mylar?
Who are you? What are you doing?
Sweet dreams.
Not so fast, Lone Starr.
So, at last we meet for the first time,
for the last time.
Before you die, there is something
you should know about us, Lone Starr.
I am your father's brother's nephew's
cousin's former roommate.
- What's that make us?
- Absolutely nothing!
Which is what you are about to become.
Prepare to die.
You have the ring.
And I see your Schwartz is as big as mine.
Now let's see how well you handle it.
Um... He did it.
Shit! I hate it
when I get my Schwartz twisted.
OK, maybe if I put my leg up on yours,
we could split apart like...
Good, yeah. One, two, three, go!
So, Lone Starr,
Yogurt has taught you well.
If there's one thing I despise,
it is a fair fight.
But if I must, then I must.
May the best man win.
Put 'er there.
The ring! I can't believe
you fell for the oldest trick in the book!
What a goof!
What's with you, man? Come on!
You know what?
Let me give it back to you. Oh!
Oh, look at that. You fell for that, too.
I can't believe it, man.
So, Lone Starr, now you see
that evil will always triumph
because good is dumb.
Very impressive, Lone Starr. Too bad
this isn't the Wide World of Sports.
Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr
Use the Schwartz
I can't. I lost the ring.
Forget the ring. The ring is bupkis
I found it in a Cracker Jack box
The Schwartz is in you, Lone Starr
It's in you!
All right. I'll try.
Say goodbye to your two best friends.
And I don't mean
your pals in the Winnebago.
Thank you for pressing
the self-destruct button
This ship will self-destruct
in three minutes
What's going on?
Where the hell are we? Paris?
Thank you for pressing the button
This ship will self-destruct
in exactly two minutes and 45 seconds
Stop it. Is there any way to stop it?
I can't. It's irreversible.
Like my raincoat.
Attention, this is Colonel Sandurz
in forward command. Abandon ship!
Abandon ship!
All personnel proceed to escape pods.
Close down the circus. Evacuate the zoo.
The self-destruct mechanism
has been activated. Abandon ship.
Sandurz! Sandurz, you gotta help me.
I don't know what to do.
I can't make decisions. I'm a president!
This is your two-minute warning. This
ship will self-destruct in two minutes
Launch all escape pods
once they are filled.
What's happening? Where is he?
Watch out!
- Where is he?
- Here.
We got a minute and 40
before the end of the world. Hang on!
Full throttle.
- Go to hyper jets.
- Going to hyper jets.
If you're livin' in a bubble
And you haven't got a care
- Hey, where do you think you're going?
- Pizza to go!
Then you're gonna be in trouble
Cos we're gonna steal your air
Cos what you've got is what we need
And all we do is dirty deeds
We're the Spaceballs
Watch out
We're the Spaceballs
Hey, that's my escape pod. Who are you?
I'm the bearded lady.
What are you, one of the freaks?
Hey, come back! That's my pod! No!
Come back, you fat, bearded bitch!
One pod left.
And three of us.
And I'm the president.
Well, boys, it's a very lovely ship.
I think you should go down with it.
What's the matter with this belt?
This ship will self-destruct in 20 seconds
It's your last chance
to push the cancellation button
Cancellation button? Hurry!
Watch out!
- Where is it? Where is it?
- It's gotta be here.
- Out of order.
- Fuck! Even in the future nothing works.
This ship will self-destruct
in exactly ten seconds
Counting down
Ten, nine,
eight, six
Six? What happened to seven?
Just kidding
There's the other end. Faster!
Six, five, four,
three, two, one
- Have a nice day
- Thank you.
We did it!
We all did it.
So I guess you might call that
a case of man bites droid?
On a sadder note, Pizza The Hutt,
famed half-man, half-pizza,
was found dead earlier today
in the back seat of his stretch limo
Evidently, the notorious gangster became
locked in his car and ate himself to death
Coming up:
Pongo's review of "Rocky Five
Thousand" Pongo?
Did you hear that?
Pizza kicked the bucket.
Now we don't have to pay him the million.
We can keep it for ourselves.
- Daddy! Oh, Daddy!
- Oh, Vespa, my darling.
I thought I'd never see you again.
Oh, my sweet little daughter.
I'm so happy that you're home and safe.
And, little Vespa, here's someone else
who's happy to see you.
Oh, hello.
Where have you been?
Thanks, hon.
Hiya, big stuff.
Hi, dream.
- What'll you have?
- We're just gassing up, so what's ready?
I got the space soup or the space special.
- Um, I'll have the soup.
- OK.
I'll have the cleavage. Uh, the special.
OK, one special and one soup.
- Ready to order?
- Hi. Yes, we'll both have the lunafish.
Anything to drink?
Hey, watch where you stick that thing!
Huh? Oh, look, it's got a mind of its own,
sweetheart. I can't do a thing with it.
- Jeez!
- What?
No, we were lost.
None of us knew where we were.
And then Harry began feeling around
on all the trees.
Then he said "I got it. We on Pluto".
And we said "Harry, how can you tell?"
He said "From the bark, you dummy!"
From the bark!
Is he all right?
- Hey, what's wrong with this guy?
- I don't know!
- Bring him some water!
- Water, my ass!
Bring this guy some Pepto-Bismol!
Waitress! Waitress! What did he order?
- Oh, he had the special.
- The spe... That's my order!
- Change my order to the soup.
- Good move.
Oh, no.
Not again.
Hello, my baby
Hello, my honey
Hello, my ragtime gal
Send me a kiss by wire
Baby, my heart's on fire
If you refuse me Honey, you'll lose me
Then you'll be left alone
Oh, baby, telephone
And tell me I'm your own
Check, please.
Five minutes to magic time.
Are you all right, my dear?
You look a little... flighty.
Don't worry about me, Father.
I'm completely over him.
Huh! Didn't even stay for the wedding.
Just grabbed his million bucks and ran.
He didn't take the million.
- He didn't?
- No.
He just took 248 space bucks
for lunch, gas and tolls.
I can't believe you refused the money. But
we could've stayed for food. I'm starving.
- Have you got anything to eat?
- Nah.
Oh, wait a minute.
Yogurt gave me that fortune cookie.
- Here, chow down.
- Wow, thanks.
- I'll split it.
- No.
- Yogurt!
- Hello, boys.
Well, you opened your fortune cookie,
so here's your fortune.
Lone Starr, you know
that medallion that you wear,
but you don't know what it means?
Here's what it means.
It's a royal birth certificate. Yes!
Your father was a king,
your mother was a queen,
which makes you a certified prince.
Hey, I'm a prince.
I'm a prince! Which means...
Which means if you hurry
there could be a princess in your future.
If you wanna stop her
marrying Sleeping Beauty,
there's a special can of fuel
in your glove compartment.
- Good luck, boys.
- Bye, Yogurt.
And, Yogurt,...
- ..thanks.
- You're welcome.
And may the Schwartz be with youuuuu!
Oh, what a world.
- Barf, open that glove compartment.
- You got it... Your Highness.
Wow! Liquid Schwartz!
- Quick, pour it in the tank.
- Right.
Look at that!
- Done.
- Hang on, Barfo,
we're gonna make space tracks.
Dear me, what are those things
coming out of her nose?
Hey, hey, watch my helmet.
Oh, shit. There goes the planet.
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here together...
- You didn't say he refused the money.
- It wasn't important.
- May I continue, please?
- Besides, he asked me not to tell you.
Thank you.
To join Princess Vespa
and Princess Valium...
I'm sorry, it's the hair.
Prince Valium
in the bonds of holy matrimony.
I see it all now.
Don't you see he loves me?
I'm trying to conduct a wedding here,
which has nothing to do with love. Quiet.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, too.
- Don't be sorry, be quiet.
I'm sorry!
To join Princess Vespa and Prince Valium
in the bonds of holy...
Uh... matrimony.
That's him.
I know it's him. He's come back!
That's it. No more chances.
We're doing the short version.
Prince Valium, do you take
Princess Vespa to be your wife?
- Do you take Valium to be your husband?
- Uh... well, I...
I suppose. Well, oh, I don't know.
- No! She doesn't.
- What?
- Who the hell are you?
- Prince Lone Starr.
- Prince?!
- I just found out.
That's what this says.
I'm an honest-to-God prince.
Will you marry me?
Well, let me think about it.
I'm sick of this. I don't care who it is,
but I'm gonna marry somebody today.
- Who are you?
- I'm the best man, Barf.
- Full name?
- Barfolomew.
- Are you getting married?
- No.
Then get over there!
OK, here we go. The short, short version.
- Do you?
- Yes.
- Do you?
- Yes.
Good. You're married. Kiss her!
- I love you.
- I love you.
Well, goodbye, Virgin Alarm.
If you're livin' in a bubble
And you haven't got a care
Then you're gonna be in trouble
Cos we're gonna steal your air
Cos what you've got is what we need
And all we do is dirty deeds
We're the Spaceballs
Watch out!
We're the Spaceballs
We're the masters of space
-Hey, don't mess around
-With the Spaceballs
Going cruisin' in a spaceship
We're so good at being bad
We'll destroy your little planet
If you ever get us mad
We're mothers of the galaxy
You better scatter when you see
The Spaceballs
Watch out!
We're the Spaceballs
We're the masters of space
-Say what? Don't mess around
-With the Spaceballs
Watch out!
We're mothers of the galaxy
We're gonna take the air you breathe
Oh! Spaceballs
Watch out!
We're the Spaceballs
We're the masters of space
Don't mess around with the Spaceballs
Watch out!
We're the Spaceballs
We're the masters of space
Don't mess around with the Spaceballs
Watch out!
We've got a bossin' metal ship
So you better watch your lip
Cos we're the Spaceballs
Watch out!
You may think that you are bad
But believe you can be had
By the Spaceballs
Watch out!
We're the Spaceballs
Watch out!
We're the Spaceballs
We're the masters of space
Don't mess around with the Spaceballs
We're so bad and mean
We make nightmares out of dreams
We're the Spaceballs
We're the Spaceballs
So you'd better watch out!
Hee-hee, ha-ha!