Spaceman (2016) Movie Script
1
It started out as just another
day of living the dream.
In Montreal, I had
become a fan favorite.
They would shower me with tiny
foil balls of hash in the bullpen
and lower down little
bottles of Tequila.
A record take of 67 bottles
in two months one season.
And the good stuff, too.
I loved the life of getting paid to
play the greatest game on earth.
Sometimes I thought
to myself that maybe
I'd even do it for free.
Bill Lee takes the ball today.
Good-looking kid out of
Southern California.
He's very quotable.
You know, his teammates have started
calling him "the spaceman."
Lee is really on top
of his game these days.
Well, he's certainly
not afraid to speak his mind.
He referred to Red Sox manager
don Zimmer as "the gerbil."
He may not know how
to keep his mouth shut,
but he plays the game
the right way.
Handles a bat well, too.
Looks like he finally wore
out his welcome in Boston.
Bill Lee has to be considered
one of the top lefties
of all of baseball.
The spaceman
just keeps on competing
and has put together a fine
season for the Montreal expos.
Left to center?
Yeah, I guess so.
He's actually a little bit
left of Che Guevara.
Once again,
bill Lee works out of a jam.
You can't help but feel he's always
one step ahead of the hitter.
Well, there's only one spaceman.
Stop. Stop.
Bill Lee. Present and accounted
for, drill sergeant.
Uh-uh. This gate don't open
till one hour before game time.
That's like, um,
five minutes from now.
Eh. You can go in through
gate a or gate d.
Just not this one, gate c, huh?
When the hell did
they make that rule?
Look, I can come in,
I'm on the team.
Yes.
In, uh, four minutes.
Okay.
Let's start over.
I don't think that
we've officially met.
My name's Lee.
I swore to you I'm on
the team, all right?
I'm a pitcher. Left-handed pitcher.
Lanceur.
I won 17 games three years in a row.
I can come in.
Of course.
Bill Lee!
Sorry about that...
Ah, it's okay.
You just don't look Chinese. No.
No, I sure don't.
You gonna let me in?
Three minutes.
Thank you!
Merci Beaucoup.
Hey, stop, huh?
Bye-bye.
Somebody stop him!
Heard you shut down the
cul-de-sac again last night.
Yeah, I was tucked in
by midnight.
You know, you guys are like the
gestapo with your spies around town.
Losing five straight
this early on will do that.
People start to panic.
What?
Ace from space!
You throwing today?
I hope so. Hey, how's
your wife doing?
I think they found
what they were looking for.
And thank you for the Jersey.
My son went crazy over it.
Thank you! He brought it
to school, everything.
Thanks.
Good luck tonight.
You know, we won the
damn division last year.
How about some Patience? Like,
give us some time to gel.
Not sure Patience is a
high priority right now.
Everyone's on edge.
Yeah, well, they should be.
We're facing Fernando tonight.
You hear anything about a
drug problem on this team?
Why do you guys always come asking
me for these kinds of things?
Gee, I don't know. Maybe
because you are on the cover
of high times magazine.
Yeah, I know.
Did you actually say you sprinkle
marijuana on your oatmeal?
No, I said pancakes, okay?
It makes me impervious to bus
fumes when I run to the ballpark.
Big difference.
You know, you should try it sometime.
It helps with anxiety.
What are you guys doing here?
Huh, careful! This might turn into a
drinking town with a baseball problem.
What is it now?
A hockey town with
a drinking problem.
Bill, what do you think of the rumored
"drug problem" in this clubhouse?
Don't answer that.
Pretty please.
Well, there, uh,
definitely is
a drug problem here.
Whitman hasn't been able to score
anything good since spring training
and he's starting
to get the shakes.
Hey, bill, how do you think losing your
pal Rodney Scott's gonna affect the team?
Yeah bill, you gonna take a stand for
Rodney like you did for Bernie in Boston?
Cool breeze!
What the hell happened, man?
I just got goddamn dropped.
When?
Just now.
Are you freaking kidding me?
If I'm lying' I'm dying.
You're one of our MVPS
god damn it.
Where's Fulton?
I'm done as a dog here, man.
I have no idea
what I'm gonna do now.
Hey, don't you worry, I'm gonna
go talk to Fulton right now.
Bill.
There ain't no use in getting
yourself all caught up in this mess.
I got it.
All right, take it easy, bill.
I'm so freakin' outta here.
Guys!
This injustice can
no longer be tolerated!
Now, who's with me?
Uh, I'm with you.
Come on.
Who's with me?
Pussies.
Hey, bill.
Fine, I'm going.
Would you calm down, please?
Crazy ass-cracker.
Bill! Hold on.
Bill...
What you gonna say to him?
Tommy. Tommy!
Fucking chickenshit.
What're you... Hold
on, hold on, hold on.
"This is bullshit.
"I'll be at brasserie 77.
"If you need me,
come and get me."
All right, Rodney.
Let's go. Let's get out of here.
Hey, bill...
- Bill.
- What?
Hold on for a second now, bill.
Now look, the thing is I gotta
finish packing up my things
and they're supposed to bring out
the cold cuts any minute now.
So I'll catch up
with you, all right?
The cold cuts?
You're gonna stick
around for the...
I love charcuterie. Just go.
Go. Okay. Okay.
Well, I'll meet you...
I'll see you there.
So here's Ron Cey to lead off
the top half of the sixth.
Bob James now on in relief.
Oh!
Next!
Wow, you are unbelievable.
You know that?
Yeah, yeah. Just payment.
You're a thief.
Come on, you got to
pitch around this guy!
Sandy, can I get
another one, please?
Do you mind turning on
the baseball game for me?
Sorry, hockey's on.
Might wanna slow down a little.
You're drinking those like water.
I never drink water this fast.
Hey, bill. Would you
like a shot of whiskey?
Oh, no. No, no, no.
No, thank you.
In fact, I think I'm gonna head
back over to the ball park.
Looks like they might
be needing me soon.
Doesn't look like
Rodney's showing up.
You're four deep. You
sure you wanna go pitch?
That's actually five.
And yeah, I'll be fine.
You might want to turn on
that baseball game.
You're about to witness
something special.
Well, good luck.
- He's there. He's got it.
- And that will end the inning.
Look, I was ready to pitch!
I could've held them and we
would've won the damn ballgame.
How am I supposed to help this team
when you don't fucking use me?
We are 20 plus games
into the season,
and I've pitched,
what, 12 innings.
Are you completely
fucking crazy, Lee?
I might be a little bit
crazy, yeah.
Do you honestly think I would put
you into a major league ball game
after you've been at a bar drinking?
Oh...
You were lit!
I wasn't lit.
I had five beers... Five beers,
seven beers, ten beers...
I'd beat catfish
after having seven.
Okay?
You don't think that
we drink and smoke
all goddamn game long
in the bullpen anyway?
That's not the point!
The point is
you abandoned your team!
You're a deserter.
A deserter.
Where the fuck are we, Hanoi?
Look, I was just trying to
make a statement. All right?
Where is the compassion
on this team?
Rodney has a family.
Rodney Scott is none
of your business.
None of my business?
Rodney has given us everything
that he has for three years.
He has won ball games for us,
and he is one of the most decent
guys that we have on this team.
He's my fucking friend. And you
fucking lie to him over and over.
This is a business, Lee, plain and simple.
It's a business.
Rodney was batting .200.
Numbers don't lie.
Lee, listen.
You can't fight reality, Lee.
Ever seen reality? You ever
noticed what reality is?
Because you lose every time.
Do you have a Webster's
dictionary in here or just
comic books and porn?
Why me? What did I
do to deserve him?
I want you to look up the word
"integrity" and tell me what it says.
That's enough.
"Integrity is the essence
of everything successful."
Buckminster Fuller said that.
Who?
Yeah, exactly.
I am sick and tired of this
intellectual bullshit!
This is baseball, not UCLA.
Goodrich wants to see you in
his office bright and early.
Now this is between
you and him now.
Why can't he just
see me right now?
He doesn't want to see you
in the state you're in.
We're not in a state.
We're in a province.
You would know that
if you went to college.
Oh, and by the way,
I went to USC, not UCLA,
you ignorant fucking prick.
Out. Now!
Hmm...
Fucking push me?
Get out.
"It's better to die
than to live in sleep."
Shakespeare?
No, no, no...
GI Gurdjieff.
The Indian mystic.
GI Gurdjieff...
The fuck out!
I wasn't worried a bit.
Hell, it wasn't even
the first time
I had to walk off
a team to make a point.
Back in Boston, I won 17
games, three years in a row.
Even started game seven
of what many consider
the greatest world series
ever played.
Bill,
last night Fisk hit one of the most
historic home runs of all time
and tonight, you get the
ball for all the marbles.
Reds manager, sparky Anderson
says that win or lose,
his pitcher don Gullett is
going to the hall of fame.
What do you have
to say about that?
Well, win or lose, I'm
going to the Eliot lounge.
There it is.
A high drive. He was
waiting for that one.
That one is gone
over everything.
We didn't win that
ball game, unfortunately.
Tony Perez hit a curveball of
mine that hasn't landed yet.
But I'd like to see you find don
Gullett's plaque hanging in Cooperstown.
I however,
I kept my end of the bargain.
We called ourselves the loyal
order of the buffalo heads.
It was me, Fergie Jenkins, Rick wise,
Jim Willoughby and Bernie Carbo.
Bernie was a bit
out of control in hindsight.
Well, I guess we all were, but, I
don't know. Maybe I'm projecting.
Hey, what are you doing? Come back
here, you crazy motherfucker!
Oh, we're screwed.
Oh, shit.
I said to the gm...
How the hell
can you trade Carbo?
This team needs a guy like him.
I realize he's been
partying sort of hard
and traveling with that crazy stuffed
gorilla, but he has a family.
Where is the compassion
around here?
And he just said...
It's a business, bill.
You'll learn soon enough.
One day you'll understand
why we have rules.
Om.
Om.
Om.
Om.
Om.
Om.
Om.
Jesus!
Lee, how the hell
did you get in here?
Through the door.
Always with
the smart answers, huh?
Get the fuck off my desk, bill!
You like games, huh, bill?
How about we play
a fun little game, huh?
And in this game, bill,
I ask you another question,
we see if you can come up
with a clever answer.
Does that sound good?
Yeah.
Okay.
Here's the question, bill.
How do you feel about the fact that we
are about to release your insubordinate,
over-the-hill ass immediately
from your contract?
Releasing me?
Under whose authority?
The queen of fucking England.
What difference does it make?
It's a done deal.
Pack up your shit.
You don't have
the right to restrict
my constitutional
freedom of expression.
Oh, shit.
You know what, bill?
You're absolutely right.
I don't. I know.
But what I do have
the right, bill,
is to decide
who plays on this team,
and who doesn't. And frankly,
we're going to really miss ya.
Okay. Come on, we both know
that this team needs me.
Maybe.
But you know what, that's a risk
that we're very willing to take.
And I need them. I do.
I have a family,
my kids go to school here.
They have friends.
We can't move back
to the states.
They only know
the metric system.
Well, bill, this will give
them a chance
to "expand their consciousness,"
as you like to say.
You know what's funny,
is I hate this part of my job.
You know, releasing players,
'cause normally,
right now is
the time when I say,
"oh, I'm so sorry.
It's not personal.
"It's business."
But today,
it actually feels good,
to be honest,
'cause I was gonna wait to
do this after the home stand.
But since you're being here,
and such a fucking douchebag,
why don't you just sign here,
and initial here?
And you know what, bill,
we're done.
You know what?
You wanna cut me, go for it.
There are plenty
of other clubs out there
desperate for quality
left-handed pitching.
One of them will sign me.
And then we're gonna come marching back
in here with the pennant on the line,
and I'm gonna beat you
in a game so bad
that your future, future,
great grandsons will feel it
like a swift kick in the nuts.
That's my grandpa Forrest
for fuck's sake, bill.
I tell you what, bill, I sincerely
believe that you believe that.
One of them will sign me, someone who
appreciates me and lets me be myself.
Somebody who knows how to treat
its employees with dignity.
With respect and loyalty.
Hey, do me a solid, when you find this
mythical team, see if they'd give me a job?
Hey, bill! Come on back. What?
Hey, unless you initial
it's not official.
I got a t-shirt made
with that on it.
There you go.
Oh, that's mature, bill.
Yeah.
That's mature.
Somebody will pick me up.
Guaranteed, probably
later this afternoon.
Don't count on it, bill.
Don't fucking count on it.
- You're listening to
- CFCF 600 Montreal.
There is a disturbing rumor
circulating around town right now
that the expos
have released bill Lee.
Hopefully, it's just a rumor.
Either way, this one
goes out to you, bill.
It's Warren Zevon, bill Lee.
Fuckin' expos...
Fuck! Fuck!
I got a brother, he's got a fishing
outfit in the eastern townships.
You can get a job there.
It's all the COD you can eat.
Hydroponics.
Hydroponics.
Trust me, it's gonna
be big one day.
Ever think about
going into politics, bill?
Hey, would you village idiots
shut the fuck up already.
Dickie Dennis.
This strapping
young man right here
is a goddamn professional
baseball player.
That's right, goddammit.
He doesn't need to be growing
weed on a fishing boat
while running for the
senate for his livelihood.
Fuck no, he needs to
be throwing a baseball.
Because it is a god given talent.
That's right.
And the spaceman here
is an icon,
he's bigger than the game itself.
Okay, all right, dick.
And the game needs fellas like this.
That's enough.
No, no, no.
Let's get another one.
I got a way of getting
you back on the mound.
A word in my office,
s'il vous plait.
Okay, I can't wait
to hear this one.
Yep.
Right, Larry, thank you.
So how's the new novel
coming along there, dick?
Great. Just waiting on
notes from the editor.
He's real excited
about this one.
Isn't that what you said
about the last one?
Yeah, and the one before that.
But this is not about
my bad luck streak.
It is about
your bad luck streak.
You got a plan?
Yeah, I got a plan.
What is it? My plan is
to wait by the phone
and just wait for the
offers to come rolling in.
That's my plan.
What if your phone don't ring?
It will.
I gotta be honest with you, bill.
You're 35 years old.
You're not over the hill just yet, but
you're not a spring chicken either.
Satchel Paige threw
three scoreless innings
against the Red Sox
when he was 59 years old.
I'm well aware of that fact.
And that's why
I got a real plan.
What we're gonna do...
We're gonna write letters
to every single team
in major league baseball.
We're gonna let 'em know that you are
healthy, ready, and available to play.
You mean every team
in the national league?
Why?
Oh.
I won't be able to hit
in the American league.
I don't think we should
cut the cloth quite so fine.
I gotta hit, I gotta hit,
and that means being part
of the national league.
Yeah, but you're cutting
our options in half.
What do you mean,
"our options?"
What is this?
It means I'll be your agent.
Just for
a nominal fee, you know?
Whatever the industry
standard is.
I don't know that.
I've been just fine on my own without
an agent for all these years.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Yeah. What do you know about
being an agent, anyway?
Where is your career right now?
Professional representation
is where the sport is headed.
So why don't you do
what you do best,
you let me do what I do best.
And what is it exactly
that you do best?
Now you're just
trying to hurt me.
How long have we known each other?
How many years?
I don't know.
Too damn long.
And in that time, we've gone
through a lot of shit together.
- A whole lot.
- Yeah.
I got people ask me
all the time,
"what's bill Lee, really like?
"Is he really as big of a flake and a
stoner as they make him out to be?"
You know what
I tell those people?
What do you tell those people?
I tell them the truth.
Which is?
I tell them that bill Lee is one
hell of a fine left-handed pitcher.
And he's also one of the most
thoughtful players I've ever met.
You're incredibly well-read
and you're bright.
And I've known a lot
of great players in my time
but I've never known
another one like you.
But you gotta face it, kid.
Business is not
your strong suit.
So, come on board.
And let's get you
back where you belong.
On a major league mound.
Viva la spaceman!
Here.
Let me buy you a real drink.
No, no, no, no, no. I gotta be in...
I gotta be in early tonight.
Oh, yeah?
Where do you gotta be?
Got the kids this weekend.
Oh, he's got the kids
this weekend.
Come on, don't be a pussy.
Just one.
Daddy!
Daddy!
Wake up.
Wake up!
Wake up.
Wake up!
Come on. Wake up!
I got an a on my French test.
Good job there, kiddo.
Show-off.
Are you sad you lost your job?
They saw it on the news.
Oh, hey.
Should we go to
the park for a bit,
give you a chance
to sleep some more?
No, no, no, no.
I'm up.
I'm up!
We are going to
the history museum today
and we're gonna go check
out the spider pavilion.
Why don't you ask your mom
if she wants to come with us.
You wanna come?
You guys have fun.
Kids, if you need
anything at all, call me.
I'll be at grandma's all weekend.
Okay? Okay.
Love you. Love you
too, mom, bye.
Dad, we're hungry.
All right. Food... You
know where the food's at.
Look, it's just temporary.
Your father still has
a lot left in the tank.
And the universe has a way of rewarding
people who are in the right.
We're gonna find a new team.
Can I still root for Montreal?
Players. Just not
the management.
What's gonna be the new team?
I don't know yet, sweetie.
But, we'll find out soon enough.
Ah...
But right now we're gonna
do a little teamwork.
All right, we are
gonna write letters
to every team in the national
league asking for a job.
Should we tell them that your
era was best on the team?
And you were second
in games pitched?
Uh, I think they know
that, sweetheart.
But sometimes people
make mistakes.
They get angry and they lose
control of their emotions.
Have you ever lost control
of your emotions?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we all do.
It's just part of being a
member of the human species.
I thought we were mammals.
We are mammals.
We're both.
Mammals is our class
and primate is our order.
You see, that is why
you go to school.
Hmm.
Hey.
Bonjour. Good morning.
My name is Gino Lapue
and this is Claude.
You boys Mormons?
'Cause I'm in no mood for
prophesizing this morning.
This soul is far beyond saving.
No, we are not Mormons.
We are from
the Longueuil senators.
Politicians? Shit, now I
wish you were Mormons.
So sorry to disturb you,
but we come bearing
an opportunity.
Bill, how much would you
like to be pitching again?
Did you guys buy the team?
No, no, we want you
to play for us.
Who's us?
Local church league
softball team?
Um, I manage
the Longueuil senators,
of the Quebec
men's senior league.
Senior league?
Yeah, we play hardball.
Yeah.
Two games a week.
Some very nice players.
Yeah, yeah.
No, Merci Beaucoup.
Uh, I don't play
senior baseball.
And who's Marcel
Marceau over here?
And why doesn't he speak?
This is Claude.
This is our catcher.
While he doesn't speak very
much English, but trust me,
he's great behind the plate. Ah.
Listen, listen.
We've already spoken to the
ministry of sports on your behalf.
And they agreed to reinstate
your amateur status.
Amateur?
Who the hell are you
showing up on my doorstep
and calling me
amateur, Pepe Le pew?
I'm a big leaguer, goddammit.
I've been to battle with
guys like yaz and Fisk.
Twice the men you'll ever be.
And we know this.
This is why we very much want
you to join our pitching staff.
We play only 10 minutes
away from here.
Against who?
The local Kiwanis club?
Some very competitive teams
from nearby cities.
Uh, Verdun. Sorel.
Mascouche.
Mascouche.
Mascouche is nice.
Oh, yeah. Quebec city. Uh...
Trois-rivieres. Yeah. Great
team over in Trois-rivieres.
Great.
Does it pay anything?
Yeah. We may be able to
help with gas money. Maybe.
Yeah, okay, uh, you're
gonna have to speak
with my representatives
on this matter.
We happen to be in
the middle of a very heated
bidding war over
my services at the moment.
Yeah, we understand that.
Okay. This is just an open invitation.
Let's go.
Feel free to think it over.
Yeah, sorry, guys, I just
don't see this in the cards.
It's not you, it's me, trust me.
It's just timing.
No problem. We wish
you good luck always.
But hey,
say the stars were
to align for you boys,
how soon would you need me?
We have a game tomorrow night.
Could I hit cleanup?
You can hit anywhere
you want in the lineup.
Anywhere.
Just think about it,
but no pressure, huh?
All right, well, maybe I'll
stop by and say hello sometime.
Anytime.
Spaceman.
All right.
"To whom
it may concern..."
Oh, let me sign it.
I gotta sign it.
The truth is, I wasn't ready for
the damn beer leagues quite yet.
No disrespect, but I still
wanted to strike out Garvey,
not Jacques from accounting.
My brood and I sat down together
and sent letters to each of the
other 11 national league teams.
They were heartfelt and honest.
Now it was just
a matter of sitting back
and waiting to see which club
made the most attractive offer.
And like a good Buddhist, I intended to
stay entirely unattached to the results.
Hey.
What the...
Sully...
Sully, you cocksucker.
What are you doing with my mail?
What are you doing?
Are you in on this?
I... no. I'm not in on nothing.
Where's the rest of my mail?
I'm delivering the mail.
You let go of my bag.
Give it to me. I'm a
government employee!
That's not yours.
So long, Sully.
See you tomorrow.
Okay!
- Hey, hey!
- What?
Pittsburgh!
What?
Pittsburgh.
Yep. You know, I always
wanted to live in Pittsburgh.
Really?
No, well...
You know, all right.
"Dear bill. Thank you
for your thoughtful letter.
"Indeed, we finished last
season in dead last place.
"Yes, our pitching staff
is in such dire shape
"that we don't know how we are
going to get through this season."
"However, we have enough problems
without adding you to the mix.
"We will not be requiring
your services at this time."
Hey, you know what?
Fuck those guys.
Fuck 'em.
We got a positive
mental attitude.
That's' the way
to survive, my friend.
Positive mental attitude.
Where are you going?
It's in overtime.
Here's one.
Why do Canadians
do it doggy style?
So they can both watch
the hockey game.
Hey, fellas.
Bill Lee.
Hmm.
So, uh, who do I speak to about
getting a Jersey around here?
Well, the equipment manager,
he'll be back in a sec.
He just ran out to
pick up the catering.
There's a Jersey and cap
in the garbage bag over there.
We supply our own pants,
shoe and well,
everything else.
Yeah, well,
I usually wear 37.
Not today.
Welcome.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
So, did you meet
some of the guys?
Yeah, it's a tough group.
Yeah.
So, where's
the rest of the team?
So far, we only have
eight today.
It is sometimes a challenge to
field with guys, unfortunately.
Oh, Christ.
Well, like I said, this is
a one night stand, so...
Yeah.
Any real fans coming to these
games or just local hobos?
Mostly hobos.
Nervous?
Ah... no. No.
Well...
You better start
warming up, big guy.
We're playing
new Brunswick tonight.
They are the league champions
three years running.
Oh, okay.
Hmm.
Thank you.
What are they saying?
Nothing good.
Basically, they would like nothing
more than to beat us to a bloody pulp
and then mount your head
on their wall for posterity.
Okay, I get it.
It's hunting season
and I'm the prized caribou.
The biggest rack.
Well, guess what?
I live for this shit.
Uh, I think you missed the exit for the
ice rink. This is baseball, frenchie.
All right, listen, I throw all kinds
of shit, so I hope you can keep up.
My bread and butter
is the off-speed stuff.
Sliders, curves,
the occasional eephus.
You with me?
Okay, don't ask for a fastball
because you ain't
getting it. All right?
There are only have so many silver
bullets left in the chamber
for guys like me and I sure as
fuck ain't wasting them out here.
Got it?
Oh, Christ. Can somebody
please translate?
Hey.
Hey.
Let's start anew here. My name is
bill Lee, formerly of nos amours.
Joseph Cartwright,
formerly of El Detroit.
Oh, the tigers?
United auto workers.
Oh. So you transferred?
Uh, no, laid off. Married
a Quebecois woman and...
Here we are.
Oh, shit! Don't look now but I think I
just spotted a scout in the stands.
That ain't no damn scout.
Definitely is. I think I
recognize him from Minnesota.
Trust me. It's not.
How do you know?
That's my father-in-law.
Hi! Woman next to him is
my wife, unfortunately.
Hmm.
Oh, I could've swore I
recognized him from the majors.
Anyway, tell frenchie here
that it's gonna be
the third signal in the series.
No fastballs.
Just tell him to trust me,
I know what I'm doing here.
He says that he respects
that you're the big leaguer.
Oh...
Thank you.
Fucking balls!
Yay!
Here.
Me, me, me...
Ugh... oh...
Strike!
And he's
mid-stroke, right?
And all of a sudden he hears
the husband come home.
It must have been summer Fridays
or something. I don't know.
Anyway, he finishes,
he grabs his clothes and
then he jumps out the window
buck naked, into a rose bush,
he's got thorns everywhere.
Goes on the fifteen day dl
and guess what the papers said?
What?
Tendonitis.
And it wasn't me.
I swear to god, it wasn't me.
I'm truly sorry
you're not interested
in continuing to play with us.
But you know, you're
always welcome back.
Well, thank you, Gino.
I appreciate that.
It's just that I got to figure out
which team I'm gonna be playing with.
I gotta sort out my family situation.
You know the deal.
Of course.
All right, boys,
I'll see you around.
Hey, hey, bill.
Hold up.
Hey, I want you to have this.
No, Joe.
That's your Jersey.
No, no.
You're 37.
I want you to have it.
I insist.
Hey, you might want
to give that a scrub, huh?
Maybe twice.
I appreciate it.
You take care.
Good luck.
Later, boys!
Bye, bye.
Yes, hi.
It's dick Dennis.
Uh, just following up again.
Yeah.
Well, just, uh,
let him know that I called.
And, uh, you know, we have to have
an answer by the end of the week,
or else we're left
with no choice,
we gotta move on down the list.
I know I said that last week,
but I mean it now.
I mean.
Just tell him
I called. Okay?
Really? We have a
symbiotic relationship.
You are a server.
I am a consumer.
If you do not serve,
I cannot consume,
and therefore, you throw
the delicate ecosystem
of our relationship
out of balance.
So another, s'il vous plait
I... I don't got
anymore of that.
Oh, but, did you see this? What?
A petition being circulated
by the YMCA
on bill's behalf, urging
the team to bring him back.
Hmm. Good.
Montreal is a good fall back.
Oh, so, you haven't heard?
Heard what?
Well, word's getting around they
already decided to give him a shot.
When?
When hell freezes over.
He's starting and hitting
cleanup.
I'm glad you find this funny.
It's just a man's life
you're talking about.
I'm not naming any names but I'm
telling you this is a reliable source.
People tell you funny things when
you're pouring their gin and tonics.
Montreal's
a non-starter?
It's not just here,
it's all of baseball, man.
Owners talk to each other.
He's 86'd.
He's blackballed.
Call it whatever
the fuck you want.
He's done.
Bullshit!
Bullshit. I mean... Bill's a...
he's a, he's a veteran left-hander.
He's got four or five years
left in his arm.
You got to be kidding me.
I love bill, you know that.
He's one of my best customers.
But you know what,
he's not getting any younger.
He's walked off teams
in two countries,
and he's publicly said
he smokes dope.
Come on. Admit it,
the guy's a real liability.
Whatever bill does off the
field is bill's business.
Nobody else's.
He said in print that the
commissioner would be a rich man
if he fined everyone in
baseball who smoked grass.
You can't say things like that
without suffering consequences.
Well, it's the truth.
Besides, he meant it in jest.
You know bill, he's a joker.
It's like... He's shecky
Greene with a curveball.
Oh, really? Guess what. Yeah.
Owners don't want jokers, they don't
want jokes, they want profits.
Well, he puts asses
in the seats, fans love him.
If you are his friend,
you better tell him
he's got to stop
spinning his wheels.
Oh, I can't do that.
Why not?
It'd break his heart.
Bill Lee was born
to play baseball.
It's what he was meant to do.
It's his identity.
Help him find
a whole new identity.
And soon.
If he hears this from anybody,
he hears it from me. You got it?
Fine. He's all yours.
Just do it, all right?
Stop making those phone calls.
Come in.
Come in!
Oh, Dickie Dennis.
What's up?
Oh, you're in training, I see.
Can I get you something to drink?
You want coffee?
I don't want no coffee.
Something a little stronger?
Well, if you're
gonna have one, sure.
All right.
So what's up?
Ah, just... How's the letter
writing campaign going?
Well, it's going. It's going.
Yeah?
The lack of common courtesy
these days. I swear to god.
Hey, you know the best
thing about being single?
What's that?
You get to...
whenever you want.
Thanks for sharing, man.
Now, I, uh...
You know,
I've been thinking that
we need to start looking
at whole new avenues.
I mean, a fresh start.
I agree.
You do?
Absolutely.
Really?
Yep.
I think it's damn well time we
reach out to the American league.
Oh, that's not
what I had in mind, bill.
Hey, check this out.
So...
The grip I got for my new
slider, you see that?
Yeah?
I want you to keep
this between us,
but I would even consider
a minor league assignment.
Minor leagues? Oh, come on.
Temporarily...
Work my way back up to the show.
No.
I would do whatever it takes.
The spaceman is a big leaguer.
Big leaguers do not play
in the minor leagues.
You don't want to be known as
the guy who doesn't know when
it's time to leave the party.
Yeah, well, I threw nine innings the
other day and it felt pretty good.
For who?
It was, uh...
Senior team over in Longueuil.
Oh, fuck, bill!
Are you serious?
Oh, what's the big deal?
What if the press
finds out about this, huh?
What? So, so what? It's
fucking embarrassing!
What? Maybe not to you.
But it's embarrassing.
It reeks of desperation.
And there's no deodorant in the world
that will hide the smell for desperation.
I don't give a shit about
any of that stuff.
That is for the writers and
historians to worry about, not me.
I just wanna play ball.
Well, this is what I want.
I want to get you in a room
with a tape recorder
and a jigger of vodka and we're
gonna get your stories down.
We're gonna record them.
All of them.
And then I'll write it. You know.
Yeah. Of course, you will.
Well, I'm a writer, god damn it.
It has every element, every
element of a best seller.
We're gonna call it
the wrong stuff.
The wrong stuff?
You see, it's a... It's a takeoff on
that book about the astronauts...
No, no, no. I get it,
the tom Wolfe book.
Okay, listen to this,
I ain't ready to write
my memoirs yet, dick.
I'm ready to pitch.
To keep pitching
because that's what I do
and I do it damn well.
And I'm not desperate. I just want
to share my gift with the world.
Okay?
Now I'm gonna go shower, and
then we're gonna go get a drink.
Well, good. 'Cause I didn't
want to say anything
but the fart was
an improvement on the B.O.
I wasn't just gonna sit
around by the phone anymore.
I needed to get out
and be among the people.
My people.
You know, schmooze.
And when you're a pro athlete, fans
never let you buy your own drinks.
The trade-off
is answering
a hell of a lot of questions.
Bill.
Yeah?
You a, uh, you a religious man?
I'm a Roman catholic
Rastafarian zen Buddhist.
Hey, you hear about the Jewish guy who
converted to Catholicism? Yeah...
He gave up guilt for lent.
Hey, uh, hey, spaceman yeah?
You still get high?
I have always been in favor of
drug testing in sports. Yes.
Really?
Yeah, I like to test them all.
I don't know how
the hell you do it, man.
Everything in moderation.
Including moderation.
Keep it, keep it.
So, what other avenues we got?
Oh, I, uh...
Circling the bases.
Beautiful. What about Detroit?
Yeah.
Um, conference call
with them next week.
What do you think
about California?
I can absolutely deal with
living in socal again.
Can hang out with
my buddies from the eagles.
They've got
great grass out there.
We're gonna get you a place
inside Disneyland.
You can just walk over
to the ball park.
They'll love you there, there'll be
lines all the way out to the gate
for the bill Lee
space mountain man.
Fuck that, man. Fuck that.
Let's not talk about business.
Tonight is a night for a good time,
my friend. A good fucking time.
All right, it works for me. A
body in motion stays in motion.
Basic physics.
Let's circulate.
Party, Einstein, party!
Somehow,
things eventually went
from bad to worse.
I even rented out my basement
to a drug dealer.
What? No, no, I'm good.
No, that's rent.
What? For a full month's
room and board? Really?
Yeah and that should
cover utilities.
Thank you, Gustavo.
Got it.
Hey, you got toilet paper?
Yeah, man.
I started partying harder
than ever to numb myself
and there was no shortage of
other degenerates to hang with.
Good morning.
Are you okay?
You okay?
Hey. How's, uh, how's my
favorite mother-in-law?
It's bill.
What does he want?
What is it, bill?
Great news.
I decided that it's time
to start playing ball again.
Hmm. L.A.? You always
loved the climate there.
No, it's actually a senior team just
across the river over in Longueuil.
Long what?
Longueuil.
Just across the river.
Oh. Oh, it's nice over there.
I just didn't realize they had a pro team.
They don't.
It's a goddamn
geriatric league team.
But you know what,
it will help me stay sharp.
Do scouts come to these games?
You never know.
You know, I'm starting
tomorrow night's game,
thought maybe
you could bring the kids by,
watch their old man pitch again.
Oh, I don't know. You know,
they have so much homework.
It's tough during the week...
Well, I can pick 'em up
from school,
and I thought maybe
afterwards...
Maybe you and I could...
I really don't think
it's a good idea, bill.
They're just getting
used to the adjustment.
Maybe next time.
Look, if you really want
to spend more time with them,
Andy's been asking me all week if
you can come to one of his games.
He's pitching now.
They can bring their
homework to the ballpark,
all right, just, please.
Just bring 'em by.
Bill.
Yeah?
Good luck.
Thank god for my
buddies from Longueuil.
Because I probably would have
ended up just like Elvis...
Dead on the can
with my pants down
if they hadn't welcomed
me back to the ball club.
I knew this was a universe away from
even being in the minor leagues.
But at least it was baseball.
Well, sort of.
Hey, hey.
Whoa? Columbian?
Jamaican special blend.
And it ain't coffee.
Is this what I think it is?
Ganja resin straight from
the fields of Kingston, man.
Ooh...
Bullshit.
Only one way to find out.
You crazy, man? We have
a game in 20 minutes.
Perfect.
You're nuts, Lee.
Well, that very well
may be true, king.
Hey, you ever studied the Bible?
Maybe.
Well, it says that
on the sixth day
god created women, right?
Okay.
But on the seventh day,
he didn't rest.
He gave us this
wonderful game of baseball.
That's why there were so many
doubleheaders on Sundays, as a tribute.
But today, he gave us this
big old coffee can of ganja.
Man, I haven't gotten high
since college.
Shit makes me paranoid.
Come on, Joe.
Who are we even playing today?
Sorel, they suck.
So do we.
Right.
Hey, guys.
Come on, seriously, come on.
We have to loosen up.
It's depressing out there!
Thinking is like death, okay?
They call it "playing
the game" for a reason.
And we've all been played
this game since we were kids.
That's a long, long time,
especially for Larry over there.
Babe Ruth was Larry's bat boy,
that's how old Larry is.
And we all know
how to play this game.
Okay, maybe some of us play a
little bit better than others,
sorry Claude.
But it's just muscle memory,
that's all.
Just muscle memory.
What we're really looking
for here is freedom.
Isn't that why
we play this game?
To run out to that emerald
green field and just be free?
Hell, yeah!
Look, Joe over here
just wants to be free of his
naggy-ass wife for a few hours.
Isn't that right, Joe?
Pretty much.
Well, we're all looking
for freedom, boys.
Even if it's from our own minds.
Oh, yes. We do.
Today, boys,
we are going to free our
minds from our bodies
and let our instincts take over!
Today,
we are gonna pass the proverbial
peace pipe from man to man
and go out there, without
fear, into the sunshine
and just be free!
Now who's with me?
I'm gonna step into this office
and I'm gonna hot-box
that motherfucker.
Now, get in there.
Get in there! Get in there!
Come on, Joe.
Come on, Larry.
All right.
At the plate that day, I went seven
for eight with three home runs.
Every pitch thrown to me,
no matter how fast,
arrived at the plate like
a gentle little leaf.
I could literally count
the seams on the ball.
All I had to do was
catch it on the end of the bat
and serve it back
to the universe.
And in the outfield?
I felt no urgency whatsoever.
Take your time, Billy.
I'll wait for you to get
under me, my friend.
I love you.
But on the mound, that is
where I channeled the light.
I combined the sacrifice of Jesus
with the Patience of Buddha.
And then mixed in
the control of Sandy Koufax
just to get a little
Judaism in there.
I was Vishnu in
a polyester v-neck.
The batters tried to guess what
pitch I was thinking of throwing,
but they couldn't because
I'd ceased thought entirely.
With the magic beans keeping us
loose but percolating all season,
I'd led Longueuil
straight to the playoffs.
Forget about the chartered flights
and chauffeured team buses.
We drove ourselves to the games.
We played until it got too cold.
And then we played a bit more.
Of all the teams I'd been on,
this was...
Well, this was one of 'em.
And every game, I'd just hope
that my family would show up
even just once to watch me play.
Turns out that if I wanted to spend
quality time with my wife again
it would have to be in court.
Uh, Mr. Lee, despite the entertainment
value of your arguments,
this court hereby awards Mrs. Lee
full custody of the children.
What?
Full custody? Why?
Given the fact that you have rented your
basement to a known narcotics dealer...
this court herby forbids
any and all visitation
pending a visit from family
and children's services.
No visitation?
This court also awards Mrs. Lee the
duplex in Belmont, Massachusetts.
- The house in Bellingham, Washington.
- Jesus Christ!
Settle yourself, Mr. Lee.
We also awarded
Mrs. Lee the Jeep...
the BMW, all the furniture...
Yep. Sounds about right.
And the $150,000 remaining
in the joint bank account.
Great! Why don't you
just go ahead and take it all.
To Mr. Lee, we award
the Volkswagen Van with pop top.
It's a bus, not a Van.
The rifle collection,
the Salvador Dali paintings,
and the remaining
subscriptions to
field and stream
and weed magazine.
High times magazine.
Then we are finished here.
Wait, can you please tell me what
I need to do to see my kids?
Mr. Lee, we're done.
No, I'm not going anywhere
until you tell me what I
need to do to see my kids.
For starters, you need to rid
your house of criminals.
And you need to
find gainful employment.
Look I'm trying.
I've written letters to every goddamn
major league baseball team out there.
Mr. Lee.
You know, perhaps it's time for
you to find a new profession.
Thank you.
We're done.
Thank you, your honor.
Will you get
the next group ready?
No visitation, really?
I'm sorry.
All right, how about some guys, who
can actually hit and throw and catch?
Real baseball players.
Not just your friends.
Ooh, ooh, what about
Jimmy Lemond?
Mmm-mmm. No,
he works nights.
Uh, Louis Petit?
No, he, uh, bowling league.
Bowling?
Yep.
Bill, any suggestions?
Uh, I know Mike Schmidt.
Oh, he's your friend. You
think he may play with us?
No.
Uh, no.
No, thank you. Uh...
Yeah. Yeah.
Bill?
I got news!
All right.
Another round on me.
What is it, dick? Hey, you
comin' to the game on Sunday?
Uh, not likely.
I think that we may have found the proverbial
needle in the haystack, my friend.
Just got off the phone with
my buddy from San Francisco.
He owes me a favor.
And I have gotten you a tryout with San Fran
at their spring training facility in Phoenix.
When?
Uh, this Friday. There's
flights through New York.
Uh...
We've got a huge game
against new Brunswick on Sunday.
You got a huge game
against new Brunswick?
Yeah.
That's an oxymoron, bill.
There is no such thing as a
huge game against Brunswick.
Our prayers have been answered
and quite frankly I didn't think
there was a zero chance in hell
of it ever happening,
but it has happened.
And now, you're gonna pass it up
because you got
a beer league game
with this bunch of drunk jokers.
I guess you make
a pretty good point.
Damn right, I make a good point.
You can't replace
pine tar with fixodent.
And you need to get packing.
All right.
Well, I better hit the road.
Nice work.
Hey, guys, I better get going.
Okay, I'll see you on Sunday.
Done?
Yeah, I'm not gonna be
able to play on Sunday.
What?
I gotta get in the bus
and head out to Arizona.
I got a tryout
with San Francisco.
Dick over here just set it up.
Oh, that's great.
Wait a minute. What about all the
crap you've been feeding us about
all the glitz and greed
and disloyalty at the major league level.
I know. I know.
That was just me
bullshitting me.
If I don't leave this town soon
I'm gonna end up bankrupt or dead.
Probably both.
He's going to go.
Well, man, do what you gotta do.
Hey, I love each and every one of you
guys like brothers. I mean that.
Okay?
I'll see you around.
I'll leave you tickets at
will call in San Francisco.
Hey, what about your tab?
Oh, yeah!
"Oh, yeah"?
"Oh, yeah," what?
Okay, you're on.
I'm puttin' him on you.
But I'm not payin' his tab.
Yes you are. Somebody is.
The hell no.
Nah.
Sucker!
You guys have been sitting here all day.
Someone's gotta pay it.
Hey, boys.
Hey.
Bill Lee.
Good to see you.
How you doin'? I'll see you in there.
Good, man.
For sure.
All right.
Bill Lee?
Hey, Bruce Lindsay.
How are you?
What in the holy fuck
are you doing here?
I was told that I could try out.
By who?
My agent.
He said that he spoke
to the owner himself.
I didn't know retired
ballplayers had agents.
I ain't retired.
Okay? And I just drove here all
the goddamn way from Quebec.
Now, are you gonna
let me throw or not?
You serious? You drove
here from Quebec?
Yep.
Why didn't you fly?
Because I enjoy the open road.
The wind in my hair.
Stones on the radio.
And I'm broke.
You are some piece of work, Lee.
All right, I'll tell you what.
I'll let you throw batting practice
today to the college kids.
Batting practice?
Bruce, I don't need your
goddamn pity party. All right?
I do feel sorry for you, but...
You throw BP for a few days,
keep your nose clean and
we'll see what we can do.
Besides, this benefits us both.
Hitting off you will be
good for their confidence.
Can I at least get in uniform?
No, you're good.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
God, man!
Shit, who is that?
That is Manny moss.
Ooh!
Whoo! Yeah!
What's my name, huh?
I think it's probably
"douchebag."
Maury moss' kid.
Sweetest goddamn
swing I've ever seen.
His attitude's got
as much bite as his bat.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Goodness! Oh, my god!
Let me at him.
It's batting practice, bill.
I know.
Just batting practice.
Come on.
All right.
Go get him.
Jim! Come on out.
Whoo-hee!
Yeah! Yeah! Get out the
tape measures, baby!
Manny's putting on
a clinic today. Yeah.
Oh. Hey!
This is supposed to
be BP, old man river.
You wouldn't want to be
responsible for an injury
to a future hall of famer,
would you now?
Look, look, look.
Just do your job
and lay it in there
nice and easy.
Like a sweet kiss from
your old lady, huh?
Your old lady.
I ain't here to play
Patty cake, kiddo.
Go! Hey, who the
fuck is this guy?
Okay, you want to
play like that?
Let's see what you've got.
That was nasty.
What the fuck, man?
Fuck, man.
Whoa, easy.
What is this, man? Y'all trying
to get me hurt out here?
I'm about to pull a muscle!
What's he doin'?
What he knows how to do.
Compete.
Get him out of there.
What kind of stuff is this?
Supposed to be
spring training BP!
What the fuck was that?
Oh, come on,
what do you want me to do?
Just lay'em up there for him?
Yes.
It's batting practice.
I can't have you comin' in here
and throwin' off
a young sluggers timing
with your grab bag of
monkey shit pitches, Lee!
Look, I'm sorry, all right.
I just wanted to
show you guys what
I still got in the tank.
How about next time
I just serve them up
like little Twinkies
on silver platters for you?
Oh, there's not gonna
be any next time.
We're committed to
a youth movement here.
So, uh, good luck, all of that.
I'm sorry you wasted your time.
If anything changes,
we'll let you know.
Yeah. Why don't you go...
No need to make a scene.
It's just business.
Uh-huh.
It's just business.
Where have I heard that before?
How do you feel about
the fact that we're about to
replace your insubordinate
over-the-hill ass...
immediately from your contract.
This is a business, Lee!
Plain and simple,
it's a business!
Fuckin' assholes!
Guess what?
Mr. Lee, you know, perhaps it's time
for you to find a new profession.
Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Sorry
about that, bill. Listen.
I respect your tenacity.
More of us do than you know.
We all know you play the
game for the right reasons.
Hey, you won 119
major league games.
I don't know whose daughter
you humped up in Montreal,
but somebody's got it
out for you big time.
Who does? Who doesn't
is the question.
You've been banned from the big
leagues, kid. Plain and simple.
Hey, you didn't hear it from me,
but Cleveland's looking for a minor
league pitching coach down in Tucson.
I told them you might show up
for an interview tomorrow.
A coaching job?
No, man, I don't want to coach.
I want to pitch.
I'm a pitcher.
- It's not gonna happen.
- That's life.
You know the game.
Go make a steady paycheck.
Teach what you know.
I appreciate the information.
You're one of
the good ones, Marv.
Thank you.
Okay.
Keep fighting the good fight.
All right, take care.
Hello.
Hey, honey.
What time is it?
Where are you?
I'm in Arizona.
Had a tryout with
San Francisco today.
Arizona? You did?
Well, that's great.
How did it go?
Well, I thought that
I did great but, uh,
apparently, they are committed to a youth
movement, whatever the hell that means.
How long are you gone?
I'm gonna be a while.
I got a lead on
something in Tucson.
Look, uh, can I please
speak to the kids?
They're all sleeping.
It's late here.
Call tomorrow. Okay?
Can I ask you
an honest question?
Of course.
Do you still love me?
Bill...
What is it? Because I'm not in
the majors anymore, is that it?
Is that really what you think?
I don't know.
Why don't you tell me?
I love you enough
to tell you the truth.
It'd be nice if you would
stick up for your kids
the way you stick up for your
team mates all the time.
Well, what about you?
What about us?
I'm not sure that things can be
salvaged between us
at this point.
But we can be friends.
The kids need that too.
But they need you here.
You've been on
the road for 14 years.
It's time to come home.
I'm going to bed.
Wait, wait, wait.
Good night.
Call them tomorrow.
Call...
You know the most frustrating
thing about ex-wives.
Sometimes they're
friggin' right.
Howdy, neighbors!
Passport? Vehicle registration?
Uh, right.
Let's see.
I could've sworn
I brought the darn thing.
They didn't ask for it on the us
side when I was coming through.
I thought Canadians were supposed
to be the friendly ones, eh?
If you don't have a passport or any ID,
you're gonna need to step out of the car.
Uh...
What have we got here?
He smelled something.
We can work this out.
I'm late for a baseball game.
Name's Lee. Bill Lee.
I'm a ball player.
I don't care if you're late
for your fuckin' wedding.
Get out of the car, now.
What have we got?
This guy's got no ID.
He says he's
a professional athlete.
Wants some special treatment.
And then there's this.
Really?
What hockey team you play for?
I'm a baseball player.
Oh.
Well, then you gotta
step out of the vehicle.
I wasn't looking for any
special treatment, fellas.
I'm just a friendly American.
Hell, if it were up to me there wouldn't be
any borders between these two countries.
Save the stump speech.
Wait a second.
Are you the spaceman, bill Lee?
Yes, sir.
William Francis ii.
Pleasure to meet you boys.
I saw you in high times.
Um... not that I read it.
Well...
But, man... boy, Montreal
fucked you proper, bill. Yeah.
You've got brass balls standing up
for little Rodney Scott like that.
Yeah.
Well.
Where you going?
Well, I've, uh, I've
actually been playing with
a great group of guys
over in Longueuil.
You know, I left them behind to
go try out for San Francisco,
which was a big fuckin' mistake.
Anyway, they got a game tonight
against a bunch of ugly
plumbers from new Brunswick,
and I'm just trying to
get back so I can pitch.
What the heck you playing
for Longueuil for?
They need me.
You heard the man. He's
got a ball game to pitch.
Go on. Get out of here.
All right. I'll just...
I'm gonna hang on
to the coffee, though.
Smells like pretty good shit.
Take care.
Go ahead. Go on.
Okay. Yeah, of course.
Look, I screwed up.
Even though I had
the best intentions.
But once I realized no major league
club would ever hire me again,
I didn't get angry.
I got defiant.
Screw those guys.
Who needs them?
The owners had done me a favor,
chucking me out of their sport.
Now I could travel the world searching
for the game in its purest form.
Hardball, softball,
wiffle ball, cricket.
Pay me in cash, pay me in
lager, don't pay me at all.
But I'll be there.
Ready to get guys out.
Good morning!
Hey!
I get invited to come and throw out
the first pitch a lot these days.
And I tell 'em, only if I can
throw out all the rest.
Bill "the spaceman" Lee!
I keep playing
because I have no choice.
I'm a ball player.
As Jim Bouton once said,
"you spend a good piece of
your life gripping a baseball.
"And in the end, it turns out that
it was the other way around."
It started out as just another
day of living the dream.
In Montreal, I had
become a fan favorite.
They would shower me with tiny
foil balls of hash in the bullpen
and lower down little
bottles of Tequila.
A record take of 67 bottles
in two months one season.
And the good stuff, too.
I loved the life of getting paid to
play the greatest game on earth.
Sometimes I thought
to myself that maybe
I'd even do it for free.
Bill Lee takes the ball today.
Good-looking kid out of
Southern California.
He's very quotable.
You know, his teammates have started
calling him "the spaceman."
Lee is really on top
of his game these days.
Well, he's certainly
not afraid to speak his mind.
He referred to Red Sox manager
don Zimmer as "the gerbil."
He may not know how
to keep his mouth shut,
but he plays the game
the right way.
Handles a bat well, too.
Looks like he finally wore
out his welcome in Boston.
Bill Lee has to be considered
one of the top lefties
of all of baseball.
The spaceman
just keeps on competing
and has put together a fine
season for the Montreal expos.
Left to center?
Yeah, I guess so.
He's actually a little bit
left of Che Guevara.
Once again,
bill Lee works out of a jam.
You can't help but feel he's always
one step ahead of the hitter.
Well, there's only one spaceman.
Stop. Stop.
Bill Lee. Present and accounted
for, drill sergeant.
Uh-uh. This gate don't open
till one hour before game time.
That's like, um,
five minutes from now.
Eh. You can go in through
gate a or gate d.
Just not this one, gate c, huh?
When the hell did
they make that rule?
Look, I can come in,
I'm on the team.
Yes.
In, uh, four minutes.
Okay.
Let's start over.
I don't think that
we've officially met.
My name's Lee.
I swore to you I'm on
the team, all right?
I'm a pitcher. Left-handed pitcher.
Lanceur.
I won 17 games three years in a row.
I can come in.
Of course.
Bill Lee!
Sorry about that...
Ah, it's okay.
You just don't look Chinese. No.
No, I sure don't.
You gonna let me in?
Three minutes.
Thank you!
Merci Beaucoup.
Hey, stop, huh?
Bye-bye.
Somebody stop him!
Heard you shut down the
cul-de-sac again last night.
Yeah, I was tucked in
by midnight.
You know, you guys are like the
gestapo with your spies around town.
Losing five straight
this early on will do that.
People start to panic.
What?
Ace from space!
You throwing today?
I hope so. Hey, how's
your wife doing?
I think they found
what they were looking for.
And thank you for the Jersey.
My son went crazy over it.
Thank you! He brought it
to school, everything.
Thanks.
Good luck tonight.
You know, we won the
damn division last year.
How about some Patience? Like,
give us some time to gel.
Not sure Patience is a
high priority right now.
Everyone's on edge.
Yeah, well, they should be.
We're facing Fernando tonight.
You hear anything about a
drug problem on this team?
Why do you guys always come asking
me for these kinds of things?
Gee, I don't know. Maybe
because you are on the cover
of high times magazine.
Yeah, I know.
Did you actually say you sprinkle
marijuana on your oatmeal?
No, I said pancakes, okay?
It makes me impervious to bus
fumes when I run to the ballpark.
Big difference.
You know, you should try it sometime.
It helps with anxiety.
What are you guys doing here?
Huh, careful! This might turn into a
drinking town with a baseball problem.
What is it now?
A hockey town with
a drinking problem.
Bill, what do you think of the rumored
"drug problem" in this clubhouse?
Don't answer that.
Pretty please.
Well, there, uh,
definitely is
a drug problem here.
Whitman hasn't been able to score
anything good since spring training
and he's starting
to get the shakes.
Hey, bill, how do you think losing your
pal Rodney Scott's gonna affect the team?
Yeah bill, you gonna take a stand for
Rodney like you did for Bernie in Boston?
Cool breeze!
What the hell happened, man?
I just got goddamn dropped.
When?
Just now.
Are you freaking kidding me?
If I'm lying' I'm dying.
You're one of our MVPS
god damn it.
Where's Fulton?
I'm done as a dog here, man.
I have no idea
what I'm gonna do now.
Hey, don't you worry, I'm gonna
go talk to Fulton right now.
Bill.
There ain't no use in getting
yourself all caught up in this mess.
I got it.
All right, take it easy, bill.
I'm so freakin' outta here.
Guys!
This injustice can
no longer be tolerated!
Now, who's with me?
Uh, I'm with you.
Come on.
Who's with me?
Pussies.
Hey, bill.
Fine, I'm going.
Would you calm down, please?
Crazy ass-cracker.
Bill! Hold on.
Bill...
What you gonna say to him?
Tommy. Tommy!
Fucking chickenshit.
What're you... Hold
on, hold on, hold on.
"This is bullshit.
"I'll be at brasserie 77.
"If you need me,
come and get me."
All right, Rodney.
Let's go. Let's get out of here.
Hey, bill...
- Bill.
- What?
Hold on for a second now, bill.
Now look, the thing is I gotta
finish packing up my things
and they're supposed to bring out
the cold cuts any minute now.
So I'll catch up
with you, all right?
The cold cuts?
You're gonna stick
around for the...
I love charcuterie. Just go.
Go. Okay. Okay.
Well, I'll meet you...
I'll see you there.
So here's Ron Cey to lead off
the top half of the sixth.
Bob James now on in relief.
Oh!
Next!
Wow, you are unbelievable.
You know that?
Yeah, yeah. Just payment.
You're a thief.
Come on, you got to
pitch around this guy!
Sandy, can I get
another one, please?
Do you mind turning on
the baseball game for me?
Sorry, hockey's on.
Might wanna slow down a little.
You're drinking those like water.
I never drink water this fast.
Hey, bill. Would you
like a shot of whiskey?
Oh, no. No, no, no.
No, thank you.
In fact, I think I'm gonna head
back over to the ball park.
Looks like they might
be needing me soon.
Doesn't look like
Rodney's showing up.
You're four deep. You
sure you wanna go pitch?
That's actually five.
And yeah, I'll be fine.
You might want to turn on
that baseball game.
You're about to witness
something special.
Well, good luck.
- He's there. He's got it.
- And that will end the inning.
Look, I was ready to pitch!
I could've held them and we
would've won the damn ballgame.
How am I supposed to help this team
when you don't fucking use me?
We are 20 plus games
into the season,
and I've pitched,
what, 12 innings.
Are you completely
fucking crazy, Lee?
I might be a little bit
crazy, yeah.
Do you honestly think I would put
you into a major league ball game
after you've been at a bar drinking?
Oh...
You were lit!
I wasn't lit.
I had five beers... Five beers,
seven beers, ten beers...
I'd beat catfish
after having seven.
Okay?
You don't think that
we drink and smoke
all goddamn game long
in the bullpen anyway?
That's not the point!
The point is
you abandoned your team!
You're a deserter.
A deserter.
Where the fuck are we, Hanoi?
Look, I was just trying to
make a statement. All right?
Where is the compassion
on this team?
Rodney has a family.
Rodney Scott is none
of your business.
None of my business?
Rodney has given us everything
that he has for three years.
He has won ball games for us,
and he is one of the most decent
guys that we have on this team.
He's my fucking friend. And you
fucking lie to him over and over.
This is a business, Lee, plain and simple.
It's a business.
Rodney was batting .200.
Numbers don't lie.
Lee, listen.
You can't fight reality, Lee.
Ever seen reality? You ever
noticed what reality is?
Because you lose every time.
Do you have a Webster's
dictionary in here or just
comic books and porn?
Why me? What did I
do to deserve him?
I want you to look up the word
"integrity" and tell me what it says.
That's enough.
"Integrity is the essence
of everything successful."
Buckminster Fuller said that.
Who?
Yeah, exactly.
I am sick and tired of this
intellectual bullshit!
This is baseball, not UCLA.
Goodrich wants to see you in
his office bright and early.
Now this is between
you and him now.
Why can't he just
see me right now?
He doesn't want to see you
in the state you're in.
We're not in a state.
We're in a province.
You would know that
if you went to college.
Oh, and by the way,
I went to USC, not UCLA,
you ignorant fucking prick.
Out. Now!
Hmm...
Fucking push me?
Get out.
"It's better to die
than to live in sleep."
Shakespeare?
No, no, no...
GI Gurdjieff.
The Indian mystic.
GI Gurdjieff...
The fuck out!
I wasn't worried a bit.
Hell, it wasn't even
the first time
I had to walk off
a team to make a point.
Back in Boston, I won 17
games, three years in a row.
Even started game seven
of what many consider
the greatest world series
ever played.
Bill,
last night Fisk hit one of the most
historic home runs of all time
and tonight, you get the
ball for all the marbles.
Reds manager, sparky Anderson
says that win or lose,
his pitcher don Gullett is
going to the hall of fame.
What do you have
to say about that?
Well, win or lose, I'm
going to the Eliot lounge.
There it is.
A high drive. He was
waiting for that one.
That one is gone
over everything.
We didn't win that
ball game, unfortunately.
Tony Perez hit a curveball of
mine that hasn't landed yet.
But I'd like to see you find don
Gullett's plaque hanging in Cooperstown.
I however,
I kept my end of the bargain.
We called ourselves the loyal
order of the buffalo heads.
It was me, Fergie Jenkins, Rick wise,
Jim Willoughby and Bernie Carbo.
Bernie was a bit
out of control in hindsight.
Well, I guess we all were, but, I
don't know. Maybe I'm projecting.
Hey, what are you doing? Come back
here, you crazy motherfucker!
Oh, we're screwed.
Oh, shit.
I said to the gm...
How the hell
can you trade Carbo?
This team needs a guy like him.
I realize he's been
partying sort of hard
and traveling with that crazy stuffed
gorilla, but he has a family.
Where is the compassion
around here?
And he just said...
It's a business, bill.
You'll learn soon enough.
One day you'll understand
why we have rules.
Om.
Om.
Om.
Om.
Om.
Om.
Om.
Jesus!
Lee, how the hell
did you get in here?
Through the door.
Always with
the smart answers, huh?
Get the fuck off my desk, bill!
You like games, huh, bill?
How about we play
a fun little game, huh?
And in this game, bill,
I ask you another question,
we see if you can come up
with a clever answer.
Does that sound good?
Yeah.
Okay.
Here's the question, bill.
How do you feel about the fact that we
are about to release your insubordinate,
over-the-hill ass immediately
from your contract?
Releasing me?
Under whose authority?
The queen of fucking England.
What difference does it make?
It's a done deal.
Pack up your shit.
You don't have
the right to restrict
my constitutional
freedom of expression.
Oh, shit.
You know what, bill?
You're absolutely right.
I don't. I know.
But what I do have
the right, bill,
is to decide
who plays on this team,
and who doesn't. And frankly,
we're going to really miss ya.
Okay. Come on, we both know
that this team needs me.
Maybe.
But you know what, that's a risk
that we're very willing to take.
And I need them. I do.
I have a family,
my kids go to school here.
They have friends.
We can't move back
to the states.
They only know
the metric system.
Well, bill, this will give
them a chance
to "expand their consciousness,"
as you like to say.
You know what's funny,
is I hate this part of my job.
You know, releasing players,
'cause normally,
right now is
the time when I say,
"oh, I'm so sorry.
It's not personal.
"It's business."
But today,
it actually feels good,
to be honest,
'cause I was gonna wait to
do this after the home stand.
But since you're being here,
and such a fucking douchebag,
why don't you just sign here,
and initial here?
And you know what, bill,
we're done.
You know what?
You wanna cut me, go for it.
There are plenty
of other clubs out there
desperate for quality
left-handed pitching.
One of them will sign me.
And then we're gonna come marching back
in here with the pennant on the line,
and I'm gonna beat you
in a game so bad
that your future, future,
great grandsons will feel it
like a swift kick in the nuts.
That's my grandpa Forrest
for fuck's sake, bill.
I tell you what, bill, I sincerely
believe that you believe that.
One of them will sign me, someone who
appreciates me and lets me be myself.
Somebody who knows how to treat
its employees with dignity.
With respect and loyalty.
Hey, do me a solid, when you find this
mythical team, see if they'd give me a job?
Hey, bill! Come on back. What?
Hey, unless you initial
it's not official.
I got a t-shirt made
with that on it.
There you go.
Oh, that's mature, bill.
Yeah.
That's mature.
Somebody will pick me up.
Guaranteed, probably
later this afternoon.
Don't count on it, bill.
Don't fucking count on it.
- You're listening to
- CFCF 600 Montreal.
There is a disturbing rumor
circulating around town right now
that the expos
have released bill Lee.
Hopefully, it's just a rumor.
Either way, this one
goes out to you, bill.
It's Warren Zevon, bill Lee.
Fuckin' expos...
Fuck! Fuck!
I got a brother, he's got a fishing
outfit in the eastern townships.
You can get a job there.
It's all the COD you can eat.
Hydroponics.
Hydroponics.
Trust me, it's gonna
be big one day.
Ever think about
going into politics, bill?
Hey, would you village idiots
shut the fuck up already.
Dickie Dennis.
This strapping
young man right here
is a goddamn professional
baseball player.
That's right, goddammit.
He doesn't need to be growing
weed on a fishing boat
while running for the
senate for his livelihood.
Fuck no, he needs to
be throwing a baseball.
Because it is a god given talent.
That's right.
And the spaceman here
is an icon,
he's bigger than the game itself.
Okay, all right, dick.
And the game needs fellas like this.
That's enough.
No, no, no.
Let's get another one.
I got a way of getting
you back on the mound.
A word in my office,
s'il vous plait.
Okay, I can't wait
to hear this one.
Yep.
Right, Larry, thank you.
So how's the new novel
coming along there, dick?
Great. Just waiting on
notes from the editor.
He's real excited
about this one.
Isn't that what you said
about the last one?
Yeah, and the one before that.
But this is not about
my bad luck streak.
It is about
your bad luck streak.
You got a plan?
Yeah, I got a plan.
What is it? My plan is
to wait by the phone
and just wait for the
offers to come rolling in.
That's my plan.
What if your phone don't ring?
It will.
I gotta be honest with you, bill.
You're 35 years old.
You're not over the hill just yet, but
you're not a spring chicken either.
Satchel Paige threw
three scoreless innings
against the Red Sox
when he was 59 years old.
I'm well aware of that fact.
And that's why
I got a real plan.
What we're gonna do...
We're gonna write letters
to every single team
in major league baseball.
We're gonna let 'em know that you are
healthy, ready, and available to play.
You mean every team
in the national league?
Why?
Oh.
I won't be able to hit
in the American league.
I don't think we should
cut the cloth quite so fine.
I gotta hit, I gotta hit,
and that means being part
of the national league.
Yeah, but you're cutting
our options in half.
What do you mean,
"our options?"
What is this?
It means I'll be your agent.
Just for
a nominal fee, you know?
Whatever the industry
standard is.
I don't know that.
I've been just fine on my own without
an agent for all these years.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Yeah. What do you know about
being an agent, anyway?
Where is your career right now?
Professional representation
is where the sport is headed.
So why don't you do
what you do best,
you let me do what I do best.
And what is it exactly
that you do best?
Now you're just
trying to hurt me.
How long have we known each other?
How many years?
I don't know.
Too damn long.
And in that time, we've gone
through a lot of shit together.
- A whole lot.
- Yeah.
I got people ask me
all the time,
"what's bill Lee, really like?
"Is he really as big of a flake and a
stoner as they make him out to be?"
You know what
I tell those people?
What do you tell those people?
I tell them the truth.
Which is?
I tell them that bill Lee is one
hell of a fine left-handed pitcher.
And he's also one of the most
thoughtful players I've ever met.
You're incredibly well-read
and you're bright.
And I've known a lot
of great players in my time
but I've never known
another one like you.
But you gotta face it, kid.
Business is not
your strong suit.
So, come on board.
And let's get you
back where you belong.
On a major league mound.
Viva la spaceman!
Here.
Let me buy you a real drink.
No, no, no, no, no. I gotta be in...
I gotta be in early tonight.
Oh, yeah?
Where do you gotta be?
Got the kids this weekend.
Oh, he's got the kids
this weekend.
Come on, don't be a pussy.
Just one.
Daddy!
Daddy!
Wake up.
Wake up!
Wake up.
Wake up!
Come on. Wake up!
I got an a on my French test.
Good job there, kiddo.
Show-off.
Are you sad you lost your job?
They saw it on the news.
Oh, hey.
Should we go to
the park for a bit,
give you a chance
to sleep some more?
No, no, no, no.
I'm up.
I'm up!
We are going to
the history museum today
and we're gonna go check
out the spider pavilion.
Why don't you ask your mom
if she wants to come with us.
You wanna come?
You guys have fun.
Kids, if you need
anything at all, call me.
I'll be at grandma's all weekend.
Okay? Okay.
Love you. Love you
too, mom, bye.
Dad, we're hungry.
All right. Food... You
know where the food's at.
Look, it's just temporary.
Your father still has
a lot left in the tank.
And the universe has a way of rewarding
people who are in the right.
We're gonna find a new team.
Can I still root for Montreal?
Players. Just not
the management.
What's gonna be the new team?
I don't know yet, sweetie.
But, we'll find out soon enough.
Ah...
But right now we're gonna
do a little teamwork.
All right, we are
gonna write letters
to every team in the national
league asking for a job.
Should we tell them that your
era was best on the team?
And you were second
in games pitched?
Uh, I think they know
that, sweetheart.
But sometimes people
make mistakes.
They get angry and they lose
control of their emotions.
Have you ever lost control
of your emotions?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we all do.
It's just part of being a
member of the human species.
I thought we were mammals.
We are mammals.
We're both.
Mammals is our class
and primate is our order.
You see, that is why
you go to school.
Hmm.
Hey.
Bonjour. Good morning.
My name is Gino Lapue
and this is Claude.
You boys Mormons?
'Cause I'm in no mood for
prophesizing this morning.
This soul is far beyond saving.
No, we are not Mormons.
We are from
the Longueuil senators.
Politicians? Shit, now I
wish you were Mormons.
So sorry to disturb you,
but we come bearing
an opportunity.
Bill, how much would you
like to be pitching again?
Did you guys buy the team?
No, no, we want you
to play for us.
Who's us?
Local church league
softball team?
Um, I manage
the Longueuil senators,
of the Quebec
men's senior league.
Senior league?
Yeah, we play hardball.
Yeah.
Two games a week.
Some very nice players.
Yeah, yeah.
No, Merci Beaucoup.
Uh, I don't play
senior baseball.
And who's Marcel
Marceau over here?
And why doesn't he speak?
This is Claude.
This is our catcher.
While he doesn't speak very
much English, but trust me,
he's great behind the plate. Ah.
Listen, listen.
We've already spoken to the
ministry of sports on your behalf.
And they agreed to reinstate
your amateur status.
Amateur?
Who the hell are you
showing up on my doorstep
and calling me
amateur, Pepe Le pew?
I'm a big leaguer, goddammit.
I've been to battle with
guys like yaz and Fisk.
Twice the men you'll ever be.
And we know this.
This is why we very much want
you to join our pitching staff.
We play only 10 minutes
away from here.
Against who?
The local Kiwanis club?
Some very competitive teams
from nearby cities.
Uh, Verdun. Sorel.
Mascouche.
Mascouche.
Mascouche is nice.
Oh, yeah. Quebec city. Uh...
Trois-rivieres. Yeah. Great
team over in Trois-rivieres.
Great.
Does it pay anything?
Yeah. We may be able to
help with gas money. Maybe.
Yeah, okay, uh, you're
gonna have to speak
with my representatives
on this matter.
We happen to be in
the middle of a very heated
bidding war over
my services at the moment.
Yeah, we understand that.
Okay. This is just an open invitation.
Let's go.
Feel free to think it over.
Yeah, sorry, guys, I just
don't see this in the cards.
It's not you, it's me, trust me.
It's just timing.
No problem. We wish
you good luck always.
But hey,
say the stars were
to align for you boys,
how soon would you need me?
We have a game tomorrow night.
Could I hit cleanup?
You can hit anywhere
you want in the lineup.
Anywhere.
Just think about it,
but no pressure, huh?
All right, well, maybe I'll
stop by and say hello sometime.
Anytime.
Spaceman.
All right.
"To whom
it may concern..."
Oh, let me sign it.
I gotta sign it.
The truth is, I wasn't ready for
the damn beer leagues quite yet.
No disrespect, but I still
wanted to strike out Garvey,
not Jacques from accounting.
My brood and I sat down together
and sent letters to each of the
other 11 national league teams.
They were heartfelt and honest.
Now it was just
a matter of sitting back
and waiting to see which club
made the most attractive offer.
And like a good Buddhist, I intended to
stay entirely unattached to the results.
Hey.
What the...
Sully...
Sully, you cocksucker.
What are you doing with my mail?
What are you doing?
Are you in on this?
I... no. I'm not in on nothing.
Where's the rest of my mail?
I'm delivering the mail.
You let go of my bag.
Give it to me. I'm a
government employee!
That's not yours.
So long, Sully.
See you tomorrow.
Okay!
- Hey, hey!
- What?
Pittsburgh!
What?
Pittsburgh.
Yep. You know, I always
wanted to live in Pittsburgh.
Really?
No, well...
You know, all right.
"Dear bill. Thank you
for your thoughtful letter.
"Indeed, we finished last
season in dead last place.
"Yes, our pitching staff
is in such dire shape
"that we don't know how we are
going to get through this season."
"However, we have enough problems
without adding you to the mix.
"We will not be requiring
your services at this time."
Hey, you know what?
Fuck those guys.
Fuck 'em.
We got a positive
mental attitude.
That's' the way
to survive, my friend.
Positive mental attitude.
Where are you going?
It's in overtime.
Here's one.
Why do Canadians
do it doggy style?
So they can both watch
the hockey game.
Hey, fellas.
Bill Lee.
Hmm.
So, uh, who do I speak to about
getting a Jersey around here?
Well, the equipment manager,
he'll be back in a sec.
He just ran out to
pick up the catering.
There's a Jersey and cap
in the garbage bag over there.
We supply our own pants,
shoe and well,
everything else.
Yeah, well,
I usually wear 37.
Not today.
Welcome.
Oh, hey.
Hey.
So, did you meet
some of the guys?
Yeah, it's a tough group.
Yeah.
So, where's
the rest of the team?
So far, we only have
eight today.
It is sometimes a challenge to
field with guys, unfortunately.
Oh, Christ.
Well, like I said, this is
a one night stand, so...
Yeah.
Any real fans coming to these
games or just local hobos?
Mostly hobos.
Nervous?
Ah... no. No.
Well...
You better start
warming up, big guy.
We're playing
new Brunswick tonight.
They are the league champions
three years running.
Oh, okay.
Hmm.
Thank you.
What are they saying?
Nothing good.
Basically, they would like nothing
more than to beat us to a bloody pulp
and then mount your head
on their wall for posterity.
Okay, I get it.
It's hunting season
and I'm the prized caribou.
The biggest rack.
Well, guess what?
I live for this shit.
Uh, I think you missed the exit for the
ice rink. This is baseball, frenchie.
All right, listen, I throw all kinds
of shit, so I hope you can keep up.
My bread and butter
is the off-speed stuff.
Sliders, curves,
the occasional eephus.
You with me?
Okay, don't ask for a fastball
because you ain't
getting it. All right?
There are only have so many silver
bullets left in the chamber
for guys like me and I sure as
fuck ain't wasting them out here.
Got it?
Oh, Christ. Can somebody
please translate?
Hey.
Hey.
Let's start anew here. My name is
bill Lee, formerly of nos amours.
Joseph Cartwright,
formerly of El Detroit.
Oh, the tigers?
United auto workers.
Oh. So you transferred?
Uh, no, laid off. Married
a Quebecois woman and...
Here we are.
Oh, shit! Don't look now but I think I
just spotted a scout in the stands.
That ain't no damn scout.
Definitely is. I think I
recognize him from Minnesota.
Trust me. It's not.
How do you know?
That's my father-in-law.
Hi! Woman next to him is
my wife, unfortunately.
Hmm.
Oh, I could've swore I
recognized him from the majors.
Anyway, tell frenchie here
that it's gonna be
the third signal in the series.
No fastballs.
Just tell him to trust me,
I know what I'm doing here.
He says that he respects
that you're the big leaguer.
Oh...
Thank you.
Fucking balls!
Yay!
Here.
Me, me, me...
Ugh... oh...
Strike!
And he's
mid-stroke, right?
And all of a sudden he hears
the husband come home.
It must have been summer Fridays
or something. I don't know.
Anyway, he finishes,
he grabs his clothes and
then he jumps out the window
buck naked, into a rose bush,
he's got thorns everywhere.
Goes on the fifteen day dl
and guess what the papers said?
What?
Tendonitis.
And it wasn't me.
I swear to god, it wasn't me.
I'm truly sorry
you're not interested
in continuing to play with us.
But you know, you're
always welcome back.
Well, thank you, Gino.
I appreciate that.
It's just that I got to figure out
which team I'm gonna be playing with.
I gotta sort out my family situation.
You know the deal.
Of course.
All right, boys,
I'll see you around.
Hey, hey, bill.
Hold up.
Hey, I want you to have this.
No, Joe.
That's your Jersey.
No, no.
You're 37.
I want you to have it.
I insist.
Hey, you might want
to give that a scrub, huh?
Maybe twice.
I appreciate it.
You take care.
Good luck.
Later, boys!
Bye, bye.
Yes, hi.
It's dick Dennis.
Uh, just following up again.
Yeah.
Well, just, uh,
let him know that I called.
And, uh, you know, we have to have
an answer by the end of the week,
or else we're left
with no choice,
we gotta move on down the list.
I know I said that last week,
but I mean it now.
I mean.
Just tell him
I called. Okay?
Really? We have a
symbiotic relationship.
You are a server.
I am a consumer.
If you do not serve,
I cannot consume,
and therefore, you throw
the delicate ecosystem
of our relationship
out of balance.
So another, s'il vous plait
I... I don't got
anymore of that.
Oh, but, did you see this? What?
A petition being circulated
by the YMCA
on bill's behalf, urging
the team to bring him back.
Hmm. Good.
Montreal is a good fall back.
Oh, so, you haven't heard?
Heard what?
Well, word's getting around they
already decided to give him a shot.
When?
When hell freezes over.
He's starting and hitting
cleanup.
I'm glad you find this funny.
It's just a man's life
you're talking about.
I'm not naming any names but I'm
telling you this is a reliable source.
People tell you funny things when
you're pouring their gin and tonics.
Montreal's
a non-starter?
It's not just here,
it's all of baseball, man.
Owners talk to each other.
He's 86'd.
He's blackballed.
Call it whatever
the fuck you want.
He's done.
Bullshit!
Bullshit. I mean... Bill's a...
he's a, he's a veteran left-hander.
He's got four or five years
left in his arm.
You got to be kidding me.
I love bill, you know that.
He's one of my best customers.
But you know what,
he's not getting any younger.
He's walked off teams
in two countries,
and he's publicly said
he smokes dope.
Come on. Admit it,
the guy's a real liability.
Whatever bill does off the
field is bill's business.
Nobody else's.
He said in print that the
commissioner would be a rich man
if he fined everyone in
baseball who smoked grass.
You can't say things like that
without suffering consequences.
Well, it's the truth.
Besides, he meant it in jest.
You know bill, he's a joker.
It's like... He's shecky
Greene with a curveball.
Oh, really? Guess what. Yeah.
Owners don't want jokers, they don't
want jokes, they want profits.
Well, he puts asses
in the seats, fans love him.
If you are his friend,
you better tell him
he's got to stop
spinning his wheels.
Oh, I can't do that.
Why not?
It'd break his heart.
Bill Lee was born
to play baseball.
It's what he was meant to do.
It's his identity.
Help him find
a whole new identity.
And soon.
If he hears this from anybody,
he hears it from me. You got it?
Fine. He's all yours.
Just do it, all right?
Stop making those phone calls.
Come in.
Come in!
Oh, Dickie Dennis.
What's up?
Oh, you're in training, I see.
Can I get you something to drink?
You want coffee?
I don't want no coffee.
Something a little stronger?
Well, if you're
gonna have one, sure.
All right.
So what's up?
Ah, just... How's the letter
writing campaign going?
Well, it's going. It's going.
Yeah?
The lack of common courtesy
these days. I swear to god.
Hey, you know the best
thing about being single?
What's that?
You get to...
whenever you want.
Thanks for sharing, man.
Now, I, uh...
You know,
I've been thinking that
we need to start looking
at whole new avenues.
I mean, a fresh start.
I agree.
You do?
Absolutely.
Really?
Yep.
I think it's damn well time we
reach out to the American league.
Oh, that's not
what I had in mind, bill.
Hey, check this out.
So...
The grip I got for my new
slider, you see that?
Yeah?
I want you to keep
this between us,
but I would even consider
a minor league assignment.
Minor leagues? Oh, come on.
Temporarily...
Work my way back up to the show.
No.
I would do whatever it takes.
The spaceman is a big leaguer.
Big leaguers do not play
in the minor leagues.
You don't want to be known as
the guy who doesn't know when
it's time to leave the party.
Yeah, well, I threw nine innings the
other day and it felt pretty good.
For who?
It was, uh...
Senior team over in Longueuil.
Oh, fuck, bill!
Are you serious?
Oh, what's the big deal?
What if the press
finds out about this, huh?
What? So, so what? It's
fucking embarrassing!
What? Maybe not to you.
But it's embarrassing.
It reeks of desperation.
And there's no deodorant in the world
that will hide the smell for desperation.
I don't give a shit about
any of that stuff.
That is for the writers and
historians to worry about, not me.
I just wanna play ball.
Well, this is what I want.
I want to get you in a room
with a tape recorder
and a jigger of vodka and we're
gonna get your stories down.
We're gonna record them.
All of them.
And then I'll write it. You know.
Yeah. Of course, you will.
Well, I'm a writer, god damn it.
It has every element, every
element of a best seller.
We're gonna call it
the wrong stuff.
The wrong stuff?
You see, it's a... It's a takeoff on
that book about the astronauts...
No, no, no. I get it,
the tom Wolfe book.
Okay, listen to this,
I ain't ready to write
my memoirs yet, dick.
I'm ready to pitch.
To keep pitching
because that's what I do
and I do it damn well.
And I'm not desperate. I just want
to share my gift with the world.
Okay?
Now I'm gonna go shower, and
then we're gonna go get a drink.
Well, good. 'Cause I didn't
want to say anything
but the fart was
an improvement on the B.O.
I wasn't just gonna sit
around by the phone anymore.
I needed to get out
and be among the people.
My people.
You know, schmooze.
And when you're a pro athlete, fans
never let you buy your own drinks.
The trade-off
is answering
a hell of a lot of questions.
Bill.
Yeah?
You a, uh, you a religious man?
I'm a Roman catholic
Rastafarian zen Buddhist.
Hey, you hear about the Jewish guy who
converted to Catholicism? Yeah...
He gave up guilt for lent.
Hey, uh, hey, spaceman yeah?
You still get high?
I have always been in favor of
drug testing in sports. Yes.
Really?
Yeah, I like to test them all.
I don't know how
the hell you do it, man.
Everything in moderation.
Including moderation.
Keep it, keep it.
So, what other avenues we got?
Oh, I, uh...
Circling the bases.
Beautiful. What about Detroit?
Yeah.
Um, conference call
with them next week.
What do you think
about California?
I can absolutely deal with
living in socal again.
Can hang out with
my buddies from the eagles.
They've got
great grass out there.
We're gonna get you a place
inside Disneyland.
You can just walk over
to the ball park.
They'll love you there, there'll be
lines all the way out to the gate
for the bill Lee
space mountain man.
Fuck that, man. Fuck that.
Let's not talk about business.
Tonight is a night for a good time,
my friend. A good fucking time.
All right, it works for me. A
body in motion stays in motion.
Basic physics.
Let's circulate.
Party, Einstein, party!
Somehow,
things eventually went
from bad to worse.
I even rented out my basement
to a drug dealer.
What? No, no, I'm good.
No, that's rent.
What? For a full month's
room and board? Really?
Yeah and that should
cover utilities.
Thank you, Gustavo.
Got it.
Hey, you got toilet paper?
Yeah, man.
I started partying harder
than ever to numb myself
and there was no shortage of
other degenerates to hang with.
Good morning.
Are you okay?
You okay?
Hey. How's, uh, how's my
favorite mother-in-law?
It's bill.
What does he want?
What is it, bill?
Great news.
I decided that it's time
to start playing ball again.
Hmm. L.A.? You always
loved the climate there.
No, it's actually a senior team just
across the river over in Longueuil.
Long what?
Longueuil.
Just across the river.
Oh. Oh, it's nice over there.
I just didn't realize they had a pro team.
They don't.
It's a goddamn
geriatric league team.
But you know what,
it will help me stay sharp.
Do scouts come to these games?
You never know.
You know, I'm starting
tomorrow night's game,
thought maybe
you could bring the kids by,
watch their old man pitch again.
Oh, I don't know. You know,
they have so much homework.
It's tough during the week...
Well, I can pick 'em up
from school,
and I thought maybe
afterwards...
Maybe you and I could...
I really don't think
it's a good idea, bill.
They're just getting
used to the adjustment.
Maybe next time.
Look, if you really want
to spend more time with them,
Andy's been asking me all week if
you can come to one of his games.
He's pitching now.
They can bring their
homework to the ballpark,
all right, just, please.
Just bring 'em by.
Bill.
Yeah?
Good luck.
Thank god for my
buddies from Longueuil.
Because I probably would have
ended up just like Elvis...
Dead on the can
with my pants down
if they hadn't welcomed
me back to the ball club.
I knew this was a universe away from
even being in the minor leagues.
But at least it was baseball.
Well, sort of.
Hey, hey.
Whoa? Columbian?
Jamaican special blend.
And it ain't coffee.
Is this what I think it is?
Ganja resin straight from
the fields of Kingston, man.
Ooh...
Bullshit.
Only one way to find out.
You crazy, man? We have
a game in 20 minutes.
Perfect.
You're nuts, Lee.
Well, that very well
may be true, king.
Hey, you ever studied the Bible?
Maybe.
Well, it says that
on the sixth day
god created women, right?
Okay.
But on the seventh day,
he didn't rest.
He gave us this
wonderful game of baseball.
That's why there were so many
doubleheaders on Sundays, as a tribute.
But today, he gave us this
big old coffee can of ganja.
Man, I haven't gotten high
since college.
Shit makes me paranoid.
Come on, Joe.
Who are we even playing today?
Sorel, they suck.
So do we.
Right.
Hey, guys.
Come on, seriously, come on.
We have to loosen up.
It's depressing out there!
Thinking is like death, okay?
They call it "playing
the game" for a reason.
And we've all been played
this game since we were kids.
That's a long, long time,
especially for Larry over there.
Babe Ruth was Larry's bat boy,
that's how old Larry is.
And we all know
how to play this game.
Okay, maybe some of us play a
little bit better than others,
sorry Claude.
But it's just muscle memory,
that's all.
Just muscle memory.
What we're really looking
for here is freedom.
Isn't that why
we play this game?
To run out to that emerald
green field and just be free?
Hell, yeah!
Look, Joe over here
just wants to be free of his
naggy-ass wife for a few hours.
Isn't that right, Joe?
Pretty much.
Well, we're all looking
for freedom, boys.
Even if it's from our own minds.
Oh, yes. We do.
Today, boys,
we are going to free our
minds from our bodies
and let our instincts take over!
Today,
we are gonna pass the proverbial
peace pipe from man to man
and go out there, without
fear, into the sunshine
and just be free!
Now who's with me?
I'm gonna step into this office
and I'm gonna hot-box
that motherfucker.
Now, get in there.
Get in there! Get in there!
Come on, Joe.
Come on, Larry.
All right.
At the plate that day, I went seven
for eight with three home runs.
Every pitch thrown to me,
no matter how fast,
arrived at the plate like
a gentle little leaf.
I could literally count
the seams on the ball.
All I had to do was
catch it on the end of the bat
and serve it back
to the universe.
And in the outfield?
I felt no urgency whatsoever.
Take your time, Billy.
I'll wait for you to get
under me, my friend.
I love you.
But on the mound, that is
where I channeled the light.
I combined the sacrifice of Jesus
with the Patience of Buddha.
And then mixed in
the control of Sandy Koufax
just to get a little
Judaism in there.
I was Vishnu in
a polyester v-neck.
The batters tried to guess what
pitch I was thinking of throwing,
but they couldn't because
I'd ceased thought entirely.
With the magic beans keeping us
loose but percolating all season,
I'd led Longueuil
straight to the playoffs.
Forget about the chartered flights
and chauffeured team buses.
We drove ourselves to the games.
We played until it got too cold.
And then we played a bit more.
Of all the teams I'd been on,
this was...
Well, this was one of 'em.
And every game, I'd just hope
that my family would show up
even just once to watch me play.
Turns out that if I wanted to spend
quality time with my wife again
it would have to be in court.
Uh, Mr. Lee, despite the entertainment
value of your arguments,
this court hereby awards Mrs. Lee
full custody of the children.
What?
Full custody? Why?
Given the fact that you have rented your
basement to a known narcotics dealer...
this court herby forbids
any and all visitation
pending a visit from family
and children's services.
No visitation?
This court also awards Mrs. Lee the
duplex in Belmont, Massachusetts.
- The house in Bellingham, Washington.
- Jesus Christ!
Settle yourself, Mr. Lee.
We also awarded
Mrs. Lee the Jeep...
the BMW, all the furniture...
Yep. Sounds about right.
And the $150,000 remaining
in the joint bank account.
Great! Why don't you
just go ahead and take it all.
To Mr. Lee, we award
the Volkswagen Van with pop top.
It's a bus, not a Van.
The rifle collection,
the Salvador Dali paintings,
and the remaining
subscriptions to
field and stream
and weed magazine.
High times magazine.
Then we are finished here.
Wait, can you please tell me what
I need to do to see my kids?
Mr. Lee, we're done.
No, I'm not going anywhere
until you tell me what I
need to do to see my kids.
For starters, you need to rid
your house of criminals.
And you need to
find gainful employment.
Look I'm trying.
I've written letters to every goddamn
major league baseball team out there.
Mr. Lee.
You know, perhaps it's time for
you to find a new profession.
Thank you.
We're done.
Thank you, your honor.
Will you get
the next group ready?
No visitation, really?
I'm sorry.
All right, how about some guys, who
can actually hit and throw and catch?
Real baseball players.
Not just your friends.
Ooh, ooh, what about
Jimmy Lemond?
Mmm-mmm. No,
he works nights.
Uh, Louis Petit?
No, he, uh, bowling league.
Bowling?
Yep.
Bill, any suggestions?
Uh, I know Mike Schmidt.
Oh, he's your friend. You
think he may play with us?
No.
Uh, no.
No, thank you. Uh...
Yeah. Yeah.
Bill?
I got news!
All right.
Another round on me.
What is it, dick? Hey, you
comin' to the game on Sunday?
Uh, not likely.
I think that we may have found the proverbial
needle in the haystack, my friend.
Just got off the phone with
my buddy from San Francisco.
He owes me a favor.
And I have gotten you a tryout with San Fran
at their spring training facility in Phoenix.
When?
Uh, this Friday. There's
flights through New York.
Uh...
We've got a huge game
against new Brunswick on Sunday.
You got a huge game
against new Brunswick?
Yeah.
That's an oxymoron, bill.
There is no such thing as a
huge game against Brunswick.
Our prayers have been answered
and quite frankly I didn't think
there was a zero chance in hell
of it ever happening,
but it has happened.
And now, you're gonna pass it up
because you got
a beer league game
with this bunch of drunk jokers.
I guess you make
a pretty good point.
Damn right, I make a good point.
You can't replace
pine tar with fixodent.
And you need to get packing.
All right.
Well, I better hit the road.
Nice work.
Hey, guys, I better get going.
Okay, I'll see you on Sunday.
Done?
Yeah, I'm not gonna be
able to play on Sunday.
What?
I gotta get in the bus
and head out to Arizona.
I got a tryout
with San Francisco.
Dick over here just set it up.
Oh, that's great.
Wait a minute. What about all the
crap you've been feeding us about
all the glitz and greed
and disloyalty at the major league level.
I know. I know.
That was just me
bullshitting me.
If I don't leave this town soon
I'm gonna end up bankrupt or dead.
Probably both.
He's going to go.
Well, man, do what you gotta do.
Hey, I love each and every one of you
guys like brothers. I mean that.
Okay?
I'll see you around.
I'll leave you tickets at
will call in San Francisco.
Hey, what about your tab?
Oh, yeah!
"Oh, yeah"?
"Oh, yeah," what?
Okay, you're on.
I'm puttin' him on you.
But I'm not payin' his tab.
Yes you are. Somebody is.
The hell no.
Nah.
Sucker!
You guys have been sitting here all day.
Someone's gotta pay it.
Hey, boys.
Hey.
Bill Lee.
Good to see you.
How you doin'? I'll see you in there.
Good, man.
For sure.
All right.
Bill Lee?
Hey, Bruce Lindsay.
How are you?
What in the holy fuck
are you doing here?
I was told that I could try out.
By who?
My agent.
He said that he spoke
to the owner himself.
I didn't know retired
ballplayers had agents.
I ain't retired.
Okay? And I just drove here all
the goddamn way from Quebec.
Now, are you gonna
let me throw or not?
You serious? You drove
here from Quebec?
Yep.
Why didn't you fly?
Because I enjoy the open road.
The wind in my hair.
Stones on the radio.
And I'm broke.
You are some piece of work, Lee.
All right, I'll tell you what.
I'll let you throw batting practice
today to the college kids.
Batting practice?
Bruce, I don't need your
goddamn pity party. All right?
I do feel sorry for you, but...
You throw BP for a few days,
keep your nose clean and
we'll see what we can do.
Besides, this benefits us both.
Hitting off you will be
good for their confidence.
Can I at least get in uniform?
No, you're good.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
God, man!
Shit, who is that?
That is Manny moss.
Ooh!
Whoo! Yeah!
What's my name, huh?
I think it's probably
"douchebag."
Maury moss' kid.
Sweetest goddamn
swing I've ever seen.
His attitude's got
as much bite as his bat.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Goodness! Oh, my god!
Let me at him.
It's batting practice, bill.
I know.
Just batting practice.
Come on.
All right.
Go get him.
Jim! Come on out.
Whoo-hee!
Yeah! Yeah! Get out the
tape measures, baby!
Manny's putting on
a clinic today. Yeah.
Oh. Hey!
This is supposed to
be BP, old man river.
You wouldn't want to be
responsible for an injury
to a future hall of famer,
would you now?
Look, look, look.
Just do your job
and lay it in there
nice and easy.
Like a sweet kiss from
your old lady, huh?
Your old lady.
I ain't here to play
Patty cake, kiddo.
Go! Hey, who the
fuck is this guy?
Okay, you want to
play like that?
Let's see what you've got.
That was nasty.
What the fuck, man?
Fuck, man.
Whoa, easy.
What is this, man? Y'all trying
to get me hurt out here?
I'm about to pull a muscle!
What's he doin'?
What he knows how to do.
Compete.
Get him out of there.
What kind of stuff is this?
Supposed to be
spring training BP!
What the fuck was that?
Oh, come on,
what do you want me to do?
Just lay'em up there for him?
Yes.
It's batting practice.
I can't have you comin' in here
and throwin' off
a young sluggers timing
with your grab bag of
monkey shit pitches, Lee!
Look, I'm sorry, all right.
I just wanted to
show you guys what
I still got in the tank.
How about next time
I just serve them up
like little Twinkies
on silver platters for you?
Oh, there's not gonna
be any next time.
We're committed to
a youth movement here.
So, uh, good luck, all of that.
I'm sorry you wasted your time.
If anything changes,
we'll let you know.
Yeah. Why don't you go...
No need to make a scene.
It's just business.
Uh-huh.
It's just business.
Where have I heard that before?
How do you feel about
the fact that we're about to
replace your insubordinate
over-the-hill ass...
immediately from your contract.
This is a business, Lee!
Plain and simple,
it's a business!
Fuckin' assholes!
Guess what?
Mr. Lee, you know, perhaps it's time
for you to find a new profession.
Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Sorry
about that, bill. Listen.
I respect your tenacity.
More of us do than you know.
We all know you play the
game for the right reasons.
Hey, you won 119
major league games.
I don't know whose daughter
you humped up in Montreal,
but somebody's got it
out for you big time.
Who does? Who doesn't
is the question.
You've been banned from the big
leagues, kid. Plain and simple.
Hey, you didn't hear it from me,
but Cleveland's looking for a minor
league pitching coach down in Tucson.
I told them you might show up
for an interview tomorrow.
A coaching job?
No, man, I don't want to coach.
I want to pitch.
I'm a pitcher.
- It's not gonna happen.
- That's life.
You know the game.
Go make a steady paycheck.
Teach what you know.
I appreciate the information.
You're one of
the good ones, Marv.
Thank you.
Okay.
Keep fighting the good fight.
All right, take care.
Hello.
Hey, honey.
What time is it?
Where are you?
I'm in Arizona.
Had a tryout with
San Francisco today.
Arizona? You did?
Well, that's great.
How did it go?
Well, I thought that
I did great but, uh,
apparently, they are committed to a youth
movement, whatever the hell that means.
How long are you gone?
I'm gonna be a while.
I got a lead on
something in Tucson.
Look, uh, can I please
speak to the kids?
They're all sleeping.
It's late here.
Call tomorrow. Okay?
Can I ask you
an honest question?
Of course.
Do you still love me?
Bill...
What is it? Because I'm not in
the majors anymore, is that it?
Is that really what you think?
I don't know.
Why don't you tell me?
I love you enough
to tell you the truth.
It'd be nice if you would
stick up for your kids
the way you stick up for your
team mates all the time.
Well, what about you?
What about us?
I'm not sure that things can be
salvaged between us
at this point.
But we can be friends.
The kids need that too.
But they need you here.
You've been on
the road for 14 years.
It's time to come home.
I'm going to bed.
Wait, wait, wait.
Good night.
Call them tomorrow.
Call...
You know the most frustrating
thing about ex-wives.
Sometimes they're
friggin' right.
Howdy, neighbors!
Passport? Vehicle registration?
Uh, right.
Let's see.
I could've sworn
I brought the darn thing.
They didn't ask for it on the us
side when I was coming through.
I thought Canadians were supposed
to be the friendly ones, eh?
If you don't have a passport or any ID,
you're gonna need to step out of the car.
Uh...
What have we got here?
He smelled something.
We can work this out.
I'm late for a baseball game.
Name's Lee. Bill Lee.
I'm a ball player.
I don't care if you're late
for your fuckin' wedding.
Get out of the car, now.
What have we got?
This guy's got no ID.
He says he's
a professional athlete.
Wants some special treatment.
And then there's this.
Really?
What hockey team you play for?
I'm a baseball player.
Oh.
Well, then you gotta
step out of the vehicle.
I wasn't looking for any
special treatment, fellas.
I'm just a friendly American.
Hell, if it were up to me there wouldn't be
any borders between these two countries.
Save the stump speech.
Wait a second.
Are you the spaceman, bill Lee?
Yes, sir.
William Francis ii.
Pleasure to meet you boys.
I saw you in high times.
Um... not that I read it.
Well...
But, man... boy, Montreal
fucked you proper, bill. Yeah.
You've got brass balls standing up
for little Rodney Scott like that.
Yeah.
Well.
Where you going?
Well, I've, uh, I've
actually been playing with
a great group of guys
over in Longueuil.
You know, I left them behind to
go try out for San Francisco,
which was a big fuckin' mistake.
Anyway, they got a game tonight
against a bunch of ugly
plumbers from new Brunswick,
and I'm just trying to
get back so I can pitch.
What the heck you playing
for Longueuil for?
They need me.
You heard the man. He's
got a ball game to pitch.
Go on. Get out of here.
All right. I'll just...
I'm gonna hang on
to the coffee, though.
Smells like pretty good shit.
Take care.
Go ahead. Go on.
Okay. Yeah, of course.
Look, I screwed up.
Even though I had
the best intentions.
But once I realized no major league
club would ever hire me again,
I didn't get angry.
I got defiant.
Screw those guys.
Who needs them?
The owners had done me a favor,
chucking me out of their sport.
Now I could travel the world searching
for the game in its purest form.
Hardball, softball,
wiffle ball, cricket.
Pay me in cash, pay me in
lager, don't pay me at all.
But I'll be there.
Ready to get guys out.
Good morning!
Hey!
I get invited to come and throw out
the first pitch a lot these days.
And I tell 'em, only if I can
throw out all the rest.
Bill "the spaceman" Lee!
I keep playing
because I have no choice.
I'm a ball player.
As Jim Bouton once said,
"you spend a good piece of
your life gripping a baseball.
"And in the end, it turns out that
it was the other way around."