Spanish Movie (2009) Movie Script
She's here.
She's arrived.
She's watching us.
Who are you?
Ramira, reporting for work.
The agency sent me
to look after the children.
Touchy, touchy!
Like she pisses perfume....
Don't you worry, ma'am.
I'm fine!
Damn!
You scared the shit out of me.
- You must be Simeon.
- Yes.
- The son, right?
- Yes.
Is that how you welcome me?
I almost broke
my neck.
It wasn't me.
It was probably my sister.
Right. You look very pale.
Did you eat spoiled yogurt
or something?
Come here, show me your tongue.
Open your mouth.
Stick it out.
I can't see a damn thing.
Simeon?
Don't open the windows.
Simeon!
It hurts, it really hurts...
Where is he?
Right fucking here!
Why are you hiding in there?
I'm photosensitive.
I can't be exposed to sunlight.
Photo what?
Photosensitive!
You're just run down.
You could use some sunshine.
You need to get out more.
Let's go outside.
No! You don't understand!
Not the sun!
Don't, please! The sun!
Give me a break!
On the double, Barney Rubble!
You need some fresh air!
No!
I can't believe it!
Am I cured?
Mommy, Mommy! I'm cured!
Open up! Open up!
I have such a way with kids.
What an angel.
I won him over on my first day.
Simeon?
SUNSTOP
Simeon, it's time for your medicine!
Simeon?
What's the game, son?
What have you done?
This one?
Which fucking one is it?
Right.
How silly of me!
It was open.
Roberta, have you seen my son?
Simeon? No.
Let's get a few things straight,
Raimunda.
- Ramira.
- Ramona.
In this house we have rules,
understand?
Yes, ma'am.
Never open a door without
first closing the previous one.
We open windows on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays.
If you want to open the fridge,
you have to fill out this form
and fax it to me.
These precautions are for my son.
He's photosensitive.
The tiniest ray of light
could make him
severely ill. Is that clear?
It's a bit chilly in here,
isn't it?
The heating doesn't work.
We have old-fashioned heating.
How does that work?
Isn't there a man around
to fix the?
A man?
I wish.
- But alas, my husband is at war.
- What war?
I'm alone, Bernarda, all alone.
So alone I could crap myself.
Well, I do have my children.
My precious children.
But I also need
the warmth of a man.
His strong arms around me,
that feeling of masculinity...
That's Ofendia, my daughter.
Forgive her, she's not very smart.
But she's exquisitely sensitive.
Oh, Diego.
Your strong arms around me,
pearls of sweat on your chest,
your firm hands stroking my body,
protecting me from this chill
in my bones
that suffocates me.
You said you were cold...
Right. By the way,
have you seen my son around?
Who? No. A boy? What's that?
Did you hear that?
Footsteps... upstairs.
Up there!
- What is that?
- A handle.
They're used for opening doors.
Open the damn door!
Yes, of course.
Hi. Is something wrong?
What was that noise?
What were you doing?
Sorry, I must have been
doing aerobics!
Palmira, this is my brother,
Pedro San Anton.
Don't be fooled. He says he can't
move, but I'm convinced he's lying.
He's just lazy.
Like a wave,
your love came into my life.
Like a wave,
with uncanny force,
white foam and the sound
of seashells.
Like a wave.
San Anton!
Have you seen Simeon?
I can't find him anywhere.
No, I haven't seen him...
Ramira.
Please don't go.
If you don't mind,
- I'd like to paint you.
- Me?
How sweet!
Okay.
- Now I'd like to paint your portrait.
- Of course.
Don't be long.
There are a lot of things to do
around the house.
It's ready.
Amazing!
You're a real artist!
No, no, no!
Everything I paint is crap!
There's an Irishman
who paints with his left foot
and a guy in Japan
who does landscapes
with the brush
on the end of his dick.
See? That was my life
before the accident.
How I miss adventure,
climbing mountains, sailing,
using the crosswalk.
I can't anymore. I'm paralyzed
from the double chin down.
You mean you really can't move?
You're not just being lazy
like Mom says?
Ofendia, hiding in my underwear
- drawer again?
- So you can't feel this?
No, sweetie.
What about this?
Nothing at all.
Kids!
Do you have children, Ramira?
No, not yet.
Are you single?
I might have a chance.
I'm sorry, you're too late.
I'm married.
You see? I can't do anything right.
My life is crap.
- Don't exaggerate.
- Look at me.
A woman like you comes into my life
and I haven't got a chance.
- Please, bring my pills.
- Your pills?
They're in my sister's room.
Bring all you can.
Ofelia, I told you
I can't feel anything.
A fairy!
I'll go and get your pills.
The ones with the skull
on the bottle.
You're beautiful.
Who are you?
I'm a fairy, dear child.
Great! Why are you here?
I'm on an important mission
from a wonderful fantasy world.
Do you want to help me?
No.
Fucking bitch!
Monster!
Fuck!
Come here.
Now I'm going to introduce you
to your roommates.
Do whatever she says.
She's a fucking wacko.
Really, Pedro...
What an interesting life
you've had.
And there's plenty more to come.
Pedro, say something.
You were so talkative
only a minute ago.
Pedro.
Pedro.
Pedro!
Another one went and died on me!
Raimunda?
I can't find Simeon anywhere.
I'm starting to worry.
Rigoberta?
Segismunda,
open the door!
Don't die on me!
My schedule is already full today!
Get up!
Open the door!
Filomena,
open the door!
What's going on?
What is this, a nightclub?
You're alive!
Thank God.
Holy shit!
I mean... jeepers.
I almost made it. I saw the light
in the tunnel and everything.
- What's going on here?
- He tried to kill himself!
Not that nonsense again!
Ignore him, he's a fraud.
Come on,
let's look for the boy.
If my heart...
If my heart...
... ever beats again.
... ever beats again.
I promise that it will...
You can count on it.
... with you.
Okay, listen up.
Your voice is better than yesterday.
But you, fairy.
Your choreography is awful.
Even so,
you touched my heart.
So I'll only fry
one of you.
Salutations, small mortal.
I see you've met my fairy.
Damn, you're ugly.
Watch out, master!
Beware! This girl is...
Who are you?
I have many names.
Old names.
Some call me Faun, others Pan,
others Goatpussy...
You look like a cross
between a shepherd and a goat.
- I need your help...
- Those noises.
Is that with your mouth?
Noises? What noises?
I have a message
from the future for...
That shake is cool.
Do it again.
Take me to Pedro San...
The shake. Do it again!
Let's stay focused,
nasty little one.
You have to take me
to Pedro San Anton...
What's that?
A talking goat.
Can I keep it?
If it doesn't crap on the floor.
Have you seen your brother around?
I can't find him anywhere.
Did you look in that little door?
He can't be far.
He'll turn up.
- Back off, fat ass!
- Ofendia!
Pay her no mind.
Your rear end is...
larger than a moment ago?
Yes, ma'am.
It's a very serious disease.
I've had several biographies done on me
and they say it's degenerative.
Your ass starts to swell
until it bursts.
Great.
And you die.
I'm sorry.
Holy shit, how lucky!
- I mean... jeepers.
- It's no big deal.
We're all dead anyway.
I told you not to say those things.
Mom, none of this is real.
We're all dead. You, me, Simeon...
Nobody here is dead,
especially your brother.
Well, he might be, right?
Who knows?
Maybe he just burst into flames
for no reason.
It happens. Plenty of people
die like that. Why don't you
- take a valium?
- Why don't you shut up?
- I don't know.
- And find my son.
It's his bedtime.
Okay.
Filthy mutt!
Antonio!
Hi.
Are you lounging on the sofa
as usual?
No, I'm just walking in the door.
I was out looking
for really hard work.
Liar! I'm watching you
on the split screen.
Look at me when I talk to you,
damn it!
Where are you?
Here, Antonio!
Honey, I'm in big trouble
and I need your help
or I'll get fired.
Call Jose and offer him
50 euros for a job.
Okay.
You really hammered me.
Did you break my horn?
- No, your horn is fine.
- Who am I again?
Jeeves. I'm the princess
and you're Jeeves, my butler.
I recall something about a mission
and being a faun...
Exactly. Your mission is to do
anything I say.
Next time you must address me
as your royal Highness
and bow at my feet.
I don't know if I can remember
all that.
- Your Highness.
- Your Highness.
Thank you, Jose.
You're a lifesaver.
Now lie down
and pretend you're asleep.
Did you find Simeon?
Yes, yes.
What an angel.
I just tucked him in.
Good. I'll say good night.
No!
No, leave him alone.
I mean, boys his age...
need a little more intimacy.
Intimacy?
How revolting!
At times like these
I miss my husband the most...
But he's not here.
So I'll have to talk to him myself.
Would you please step aside?
Simeon?
Simeon, sweetheart.
What are you doing?
Simeon.
Have I ever told you
about the birds and the bees?
It's a beautiful story.
Like when you were conceived.
It was so lovely, so beautiful.
Your father and I met
in a roadside bar.
I'd had a few cocktails.
Only fifteen or twenty.
And your father got a little
naughty.
I felt dizzy
and went to the bathroom.
He followed me
and grabbed me from behind,
propped me up against the wall
and wham, bam!
He humped my brains out.
But it was very tender,
very sweet.
Then he did me doggie-style
while he fondled my perky breasts.
Wham, bam!
In and out, on top, from behind...
And without lubricant!
And the result
of that night's love....
you.
Look at you now.
You remind me so much
of your father.
With that... scratchy beard.
What are you hiding in there?
What is this?
Playing with the flashlight again?
Oh my God!
Have I ever told you the story...
....about the old lighthouse?
It hasn't worked for years,
but you want to hear a secret?
They say it has an invisible light
that protects us all.
Now say your prayers
and go to sleep.
Ouch!
Make yourself at home.
Is this how poor people live?
We can't all have a mansion
like your mom's.
Why not move in with us?
Silly girl.
I can't. Who would take care
of my Antonio?
- Has he got your number?
- My number? No, no.
We're too poor.
I don't have a cell phone.
No, I mean like you
and my uncle San Anton.
You like each other.
I can tell.
What are you?
I love my husband, that's why
I married him. "Till death do us part."
That's how we'll do it then.
Till death does you part.
Where is my man?
My brave swordsman.
I'm waiting for you,
you're a sex machine.
Hello.
Can I help you, ma'am?
Of course you can help me.
I'm...
Excuse me.
No, I said quicklime. Quicklime.
Thank you.
Maligna Escobero,
from the Department of Rare....
Diseases.
How may I be of service?
Where's Simeon?
May I please see him?
I don't know.
Playing somewhere, I guess.
"Playing somewhere.''
Negligent fucking putz.
Why do you want to see Simeon?
It's all right, I'll serve myself.
We've found out that there may be
a cure for his rare...
disease. And I have to ask him
these questions. For example:
Do you think the boy
would fit in this sack?
Does Simeon scream a lot?
Hold your cup closer, dear.
Children
are so naive,
so easy to deceive.
Scum-sucking bastards!
Like little Simeon.
His disease makes him especially
fragile. Now Simeon....
Filthy cocksuckers!
.... Could be outside, unprotected
from the sunlight.
His soft skin slowly sizzling,
with tiny bubbles of pus bursting,
screaming in pain...
Who are you?
Leave this house this instant
or I'm calling the police.
I...
I brought you
this system of protection
for sensitive skin.
You see?
Hello?
Ma'am?
Ma'am?
Freelancers must be very careful.
Their health and physical integrity
are of vital importance to their job.
They must always use their heads.
Five losers...
Iocked...
The door's locked!
We'll never get out of here!
... in a bar.
The moment I set foot in here...
I can't take it.
Winner of thirty-something
Goya Awards.
How long have we been in here?
I have no fucking clue.
Including Best Wardrobe,
Best Special Effects,
Tremendous action,
love that comes...
He has red hair. He has no eyebrows
but he paints them on every morning.
You think you're better than me?
... and goes.
It doesn't matter, you can keep it.
I have X-Ray vision.
Comedy and melodrama.
Boozy Mondays.
- Give me another.
- Coming right up.
Another Spanish movie!
Is Antonio getting home soon?
I don't think so. He's looking for
work, the poor thing.
He's a sweetheart. You'll see when
you meet him. Such a hard worker.
Have you been drinking?
No.
Sure.
Antonio!
This is Ofendia,
my employer's daughter.
What's for dinner?
That's enough, okay, Antonio?
That's enough.
That's enough!
Ofendia, I lied.
My husband is a bum.
He's a couch potato.
He moves less than
your uncle San Anton.
What a temper!
I let her talk and shout
to get it out of her system,
you know?
Because I'm the one who wears
the pants in this family.
Oh, yeah?
You don't look like it.
You want proof?
Yeah, because I don't believe it.
Ramira!
My lunch!
Right now, I'm hungry!
You call that wearing the pants?
Ramira...
This is bullshit.
I'm the boss around here.
Either make me another plate
of spaghetti like this one...
or I'll...
or I'll smack you upside the head!
Ramira, I quit!
That house gives me the creeps!
Good! Now you and my uncle San Anton
can get married.
Pedro!
Like a wave,
your love came into my life.
Like a wave,
with uncanny force,
white foam and the sound
of seashells.
Like a wave.
And we sailed away, the sea inside,
heedless of the voices
in the wind.
Like a wave.
Your love grew
like a wave.
Pedro.
Pedro!
What is it, Ramira?
- I killed my husband.
- Then why?
Actually, I'm not sure.
Then why won't you kill me?
Squeeze tighter.
Squeeze, that's it.
I can hardly breathe.
That's it, tighter...
Holy shit!
I mean... jeepers.
I can't do it.
Why not? You're going to jail
anyway. What's another cadaver?
I can't do this to you.
You're the person I trust most.
Does that mean I might have a chance
with you? Since you're free....
- What's going on here?
- Ma'am, I've done something horrible.
I know, I was eavesdropping
behind the door. Paca,
you have our support.
We'll even turn you in
to the police if you want.
I'll pay for the call myself.
What are you talking about?
Ramira has to hide here with us
until things calm down.
And if she feels homicidal again,
great. She's like one of the family.
I hadn't considered
staying but since you asked...
That's very kind of you.
I'll treat the girl
like my own daughter.
And the boy?
Of course, and the boy too.
Get ready. Today's his birthday
and we're having a party later.
It's the boy's birthday?
That's great!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIMEON
Isn't this great?
This is the best birthday party
I've ever been to.
I'll start cleaning up.
What? My son hasn't
even shown up yet.
Where could he be?
I'm starting to worry.
Mom, can I keep the presents
if Simeon doesn't show?
Those presents
belong to your brother!
Look at this suit I got him
for UVA protection.
Go find him and tell him
to get in here.
I could swear I saw him earlier
eating potato chips.
Chips? What chips?
There aren't any left.
Where? I looked and couldn't...
Shut up! I heard a noise.
Simeon?
Simeon, is that you?
Poor thing, you made yourself
a shabby little suit
for sun protection.
Here, put this one on.
It's much nicer.
Simeon?
Simeon...
Simeon?
Simeon, I heard you.
Where are you?
Simeon?
Simeon?
You don't like the suit
I got you?
It cost a fortune,
but we can exchange it.
I think I have the receipt.
Poor thing. What's wrong?
What?
We're recording!
Angela. Angela, damn it!
What?
- There's something hanging...
- What?
- You have something.
- My hair? Okay?
- Right, your hair.
- Okay.
- Ready?
- Okay.
Good evening. This is Angela Vidal,
reporting from outside the bathroom door
where a woman has apparently...
- Holy shit!
- She's a zombie!
Living dead, a freak of nature!
- Keep recording!
- Run!
Get this on fucking tape!
I swear I saw him.
I saw him.
- You did?
- Yes.
He had a sack over his head
and he did this:
My little Santiago
means the world to me.
Simeon.
Right, Simeon. My darling...
I was wondering, maybe...
somebody new might
have entered the house,
someone who didn't know
about his illness,
and by mistake
and with the best intentions,
even trying to do the kid a favor,
because he looked as pale as a ghost,
taken the boy outside
without knowing.
Yeah? Who? Who would commit
such an atrocity?
Who could be so sick, so degenerate,
- so inhumane...
- Me?
I got it!
Maligna Escobero.
A very suspicious woman.
So suspicious I could crap myself.
She came around yesterday
asking about Sergio.
- Simeon.
- Right, Simeon.
My prince. It was her, I know it.
I can feel it.
I can smell it.
Sorry. That was me.
Wherever you are,
I'll search sky and land,
cross valleys and mountains...
- What is it?
- That's not Simeon.
We always kept the house so dark...
This is all my fault.
Ramira.
Look what the little brat
did to my hand. Help me out.
Oh, Pedro.
You're such a good listener.
Of course I am.
Since I can't go anywhere...
- I've done an awful thing.
- We all do awful things.
You don't understand.
There's something you don't know.
I don't want to know.
It's better to forget some things.
Take me, for example.
The past did this to me.
I'm sure it's a nice story.
But what I meant to say is
- what actually happened to Simeon...
- Yes, it is a nice story.
Between nice and shitty.
I'll tell you in a flashback,
it's better.
I was young, handsome
and had a great head of hair.
Open your eyes.
Open your eyes.
I was cruel and ruthless,
obsessed with my perfect body.
I didn't like what I saw
in the mirror every morning.
Did I mention I had great hair?
It's worth remembering.
Lord have mercy, did I ever.
My life was a series of atrocities.
Violence, pain...
So I hit the street,
ready to do my job.
It wasn't very pleasant.
Primarily because
I was a homicidal psychopath.
There was something strange
in the air that day.
Where was everyone?
I walked the streets
like anybody else.
Nobody, absolutely nobody
knew how cruel I was.
But that day my instinct told me
something wasn't right.
I was engulfed with rage
and I lost control.
And, well, those were the last steps
I ever took.
Where are you? Where?
I swear I'll find you
and I'll kill you all!
I said left!
Traffic light! Pedestrian!
- We're fucked, Luis!
- Start the car, Carlos!
I've been confined to this bed
ever since.
Well, Pedro. I hope things
don't get any worse.
I'm here to love
and care for you.
Thanks, Ramira.
But you know what I want.
Oh, Pedro.
I've had enough killing.
Don't worry, I'll help you get
your zest for life back.
I have happiness in my jeans!
Marrying you would sure bring back
my zest for life.
Sorry, I woke up starving.
It's coming from over there,
from the window.
It's outside. It's him.
He's in the fog!
Serafin!
Mommy's coming for you!
Serafin! Santiago! Sergio!
Little boy!
Hey, how much are you charging
for those pills?
Shit, Danny. I already took thirty.
I'm sleepy already.
- I'm outta here.
- Juani, so soon?
I'm coming with you!
Who's there?
Is it you, Diego?
My hero?
Diego! What has the war
done to you?
It fucked me up.
I don't care.
I'm so glad you're alive.
I thought I'd never
touch you again...
or hold you or feel
your touch.
Take it easy, baby.
Let me rest.
You'll get yours later.
Bullshit! Heat me up, Diego!
Now!
We'll make love for hours.
Come on, take me!
Come on! Fuck me! Fuck me!
Faster!
I was at war, not playing bingo!
I'm already lubricated!
You're all skin and bones!
I don't know if I can find it
with all this fog.
Come on, big boy!
Faster!
Faster!
Careful, you'll wake the children.
Diego, my head!
Holy shit! Is this a hat
or a fucking boomerang?
Yes!
- My love warrior!
- No comment.
There's so much I have to tell you.
Me too.
- Our son, Siegfried...
- Simeon.
Right. The boy has disappeared.
And I can't take it anymore.
Because our son
isn't the brightest of the bunch.
Are you listening to me,
Diego?
Girl, the war made me do things
I ain't proud of.
I've been through it all.
Let me start from the beginning.
It was the year 1625.
The Count-Duke of Olivares
commanded the men of Flanders
and I was given a dangerous mission:
To challenge a mysterious
swordsman to a duel.
He had a beard.
He was a real sweetheart.
I killed him, but he had
powerful friends in the shadows...
So there I was with Quevedo, who by
the way is fatter than ever....
And another mysterious swordsman
comes after me.
Hey, I'm talking to you!
Yeah, right. The swordsman.
Unbelievable.
You're here, that's all that matters.
I'll never let you leave again.
Actually, that's what I wanted
- to talk to you about.
- No.
Don't you see how long
I've been
alone? Every night I prayed
that you were okay,
that you'd come back.
By the way, you look awful,
but I love you anyway.
And now that you're here...
I live for your kisses,
your thankless smile.
Your beautiful caresses,
the joy you bring me.
That you won't let me down,
that you'll never leave me.
Lying here in bed,
I've never needed you more.
I'm the one waiting for you.
I'm the one weeping for you.
I'm the one longing for you.
Every minute, every hour.
I'm dying to kiss you,
to kiss you all night long.
I'm dying to tell you
that the world is wrong.
I'm dying to kiss you,
to kiss you all night long.
I'm dying to tell you
that the world is wrong.
The world is wrong!
The world is wrong!
That song was pretty fucking cheesy!
At least the lyrics were true,
- unlike yours.
- What?
"I'm 7 times as strong as you? "
Bullshit.
- I was.
- Oh, yeah?
You were 7 times stronger
than a guy who weighed 200 pounds?
- In proportion.
- Oh, in proportion!
You should have said so!
"I'm 7 times as strong as you, in
proportion." Then you're not lying.
Get off my case!
Picky, picky!
That cap of yours is a disgrace.
"We're Smurfs! "
Give yourselves a last name!
Jerk!
Well, well.
How's that for grumpy?
Diego.
Diego...
Diego?
Girl, I'm leaving you.
I'm in bad shape.
The war was a lonely place
for a man...
I made friends with
Alfrodo and Samti,
two really friendly midgets
with hairy legs.
They told me about the ring's power
and one thing led to another...
That's impossible!
Yes, it is possible.
Amazingly, what's in the photo
can be done.
Hobbits are incredibly flexible.
I have something important
to tell you.
- Did you kill someone else?
- Yes.
I mean, no.
No, for God's sake.
It's something else.
I want you to know how grateful I am
you took me in.
Will you do anything for me?
Of course.
Then marry me.
Or kill me.
Here we go again!
- Pedro, why?
- You know why, Ramira.
Look at my hand.
Only inches away from yours.
Well, not now.
Okay, there.
For me, this is an impossible
distance. A chimera.
You see?
She was right. You can move.
- She said she saw you sleepwalking.
- I don't believe that.
If it were true,
you and I could leave tonight,
together,
galloping naked on a lively steed,
our bodies rubbing against each other
as we penetrate the Galician steppe,
your breasts and the horse
bouncing in unison...
But I can't leave my sister
at a time like this,
destroyed by Simeon's disappearance.
Little Simeon.
That's right.
Maybe I could help find him.
- You? How?
- My mom knows
a woman with powers in my village.
She predicts stuff, sees dead people,
opens walnuts with her ass...
- Can she contact missing people?
- Yeah.
She talks to Joan the Mad
- on the Ouija board.
- We must find her.
It's impossible.
Her husband was Philip the Handsome.
He died centuries ago.
No, I mean the woman
who contacts missing people.
Oh, her. Of course.
Tomorrow we'll go to my village
and fix this whole mess.
We'll find Simeon, you'll see.
Alive, dead,
in chunks of charred flesh...
TYPICAL ALMODOVARIAN VILLAGE
To return...
wrinkled by age,
my face made silver
by the snows of time.
To feel...
life is but a gasp,
20 years is nothing,
a feverish gaze, wandering the
shadows, calling out your name.
To live...
clutching your soul...
Hands off, father!
That woman!
It's her!
It's Maligna!
Maligna!
No!
No!
Hit the brakes, damn it!
We hit an old lady! I said left!
- My left or your left?
- You're clueless! Let me out!
Please, step back!
Step back, please!
Okay, where's the marble?
You're looking confused.
Lady, please.
Excuse me, did you see
an old woman get run over?
Yeah, over there.
The lady likes to gamble.
Is there a doctor in the house?
Help me!
- Help me!
- A doctor?
Is there a doctor in the house?
Is there a doctor in the house?
You! You're a doctor!
What makes you say that?
Please hurry!
Do something, please!
Don't worry, I know what I'm doing.
They say I'm a doctor.
Anybody got a defibrillator?
Excuse me, sorry.
I think she's dead.
Oh my God!
Girlfriend, look who's here!
Make yourselves comfortable.
Not you, you're stiffer
than Stonehenge!
Forgive the mess,
my cleaning lady hasn't come.
Because she drinks.
Out of the closet?
Try out of the minibar!
What was I going to tell you?
Oh, yeah. You were right.
Maligna Escobero was dangerous.
We'd been after her for a while.
We searched her house
and look what we found.
- God!
- You said it.
Back in the 80's she was a
celebrity. An icon.
Take a look at her record.
Maligna was Horace Hedgehog.
Apparently
she got sick of the monotony and decided
to go with a more modern look.
But the kids
didn't accept the change
and her show got cancelled.
She went downhill from there.
She did her best to find work,
but the city can be especially hard
on a seven-foot hedgehog.
Eventually, insane and drunk,
she decided to kidnap children
for revenge.
Oh my God!
My poor Samuel!
Simeon.
- Right.
- But no.
Maligna didn't kidnap your son.
The day he disappeared
there was a bank robbery.
We'd lost her trail since then,
until today.
We can all celebrate.
She's dead.
How about a cocktail, sunshine?
Is my son alive or dead?
Dead.
I'm just kidding, silly!
I don't know and I don't care.
That's out of my jurisdiction.
Ramira, let's find that friend of
your mother's. That's all we can do.
Who taped "Cockeye the Sailor"?
This isn't for kicks,
it's for my disease.
Agustica,
will Mom be long?
I don't think so.
She usually appears
at this hour!
Act like you can't see her.
She thinks she's a ghost.
Somebody farted.
Mother!
Ramira has come to ask you
about your medium.
Incredible!
A flying glass.
Is that you, Mom?
Yes, Ramira, my daughter.
- I'm your mother.
- Hi, Mom.
Why have you come home?
I need your medium's phone number.
Fuck!
This is all so paranormal.
I need you to help me
find my son.
This is her number.
Damn, this pen doesn't work.
Another one.
Here it is.
Okay, catch you later.
Goodbye!
I feel a pwesence...
What did she say?
A vewy stwong pwesence.
We brought the wrong presents.
Babalan, tuwn on the stwobe light.
The what light?
The stwobe light, damn it!
Oh, the disco light.
In order to recreate
the spiritual ambience,
I will need absolute silence,
some pork grinds and a beer.
This lullaby will put Gerarda
in a trance
to enter into contact
with the missing.
I think that's it.
Gerarda.
Are you asleep?
Let's continue.
If there is a presence
in this house,
let it appear...
now.
It's moving by itself!
Has that ever happened before?
My husband
used to do the same thing.
There is clearly
a very strong presence here.
And raunchy too.
Gerarda, you can open your eyes now.
I feel a presence around me.
She's in the corridor...
Heading for that door.
Ask her if she sees my son.
There's something here.
Screams.
Suffering.
Gerarda.
Gerarda!
I think we've lost contact.
This doesn't seem to be working.
You can't just leave like this!
Gerarda, what can I do?
When awful things happen,
sometimes they leave a print.
Like an echo that wants to be heard.
I don't understand.
You hear but you do not listen.
Hear what?
Listen to what?
It's not seeing is believing, it's
believing is smelling. No, wait.
You must believe what you see.
No, wait.
I see, I believe, I listen,
I look...
Can I touch too?
I got it!
Not believing is seeing,
but knowing is growing.
Maybe it's the other way around.
Women believe anything.
Stuff like "rejuvenating cream"
and "just the tip"...
For now just believe
and later we'll see.
Come on, Babalan.
Let's get out of here.
What a pain!
Hey, wait a minute!
I'm stuck!
- No, no...
- Yes!
- What's the problem?
- I'm sorry, Pedro. I can't.
Sure you can, it's easy.
It could have been over by now.
- Killing is like riding a bicycle.
- No!
- You said you'd help me.
- I'm sorry, I can't.
If you can't make me happy
by loving me,
do it by killing me.
No way.
I have everything ready.
All I need is a video camera.
Okay, look. I have a friend
who might be able to help.
My name is Pedro San Anton
and I'm about to die.
No! Cut! That was crap!
- Isn't that the line?
- Do it again!
Final sequence, take one.
- My name is Pedro....
- No, no! Cut!
It's too gloomy.
Let's spice it up a little.
Are you recording this?
Okay, my name is Pedro San Anton...
Excuse me, could you speak up
a little bit?
We can't understand you.
Be natural, but shout.
Okay? Let's go.
Okay.
My name is Pedro San Anton
and I'm going to kill myself
because my life sucks...
Cut! That was fucking crap!
Let's break for lunch.
I want to believe....
and see....
and smell and touch and sing....
Son? Is that you?
Are you trying to tell me
something?
- Take it easy.
- No, you take it easy.
- No, you take it easy.
- No, you take it easy.
- Who are you looking for?
- My son Simon. And you?
My son Sergio... Siegfried...
My son too.
- Good luck.
- You too.
PORN OUI
A pipe...
My gun. But where?
A pick?
What's a pick doing here?
Okay, boys. Thanks.
I think our little show
kept him distracted.
By the way, the glass was great.
It looked like real cyanide.
- What was it?
- Cyanide.
What?
Hey, handsome.
Help me and I'll do
anything you want.
Pedro!
Pedro, no!
Thanks!
You saved my life!
I can't right now.
I have to find my master, the faun.
Shit! I can't fly!
Thanks, sugar.
We'll do it again sometime.
Though I couldn't find your...
Faster!
There's my master!
I'm not that kind of goat!
Master, please!
Try to remember!
I'm your fairy!
We have to continue
our mission!
Knock yourselves out!
Pedro, wait!
Keep it down, honey.
Pedro,
it's time for you
to abandon this world.
- Great! When, now?
- Yes,
- now.
- It's about time.
That's right, it's time.
Right now?
When your time is up,
it's up.
- Then his time is up.
- Knock it off!
You have to go back
to the real world.
The real world?
You're imagining all this.
- Then who am I?
- A hologram with tits.
But allow me to explain
in more appropriate surroundings.
What's going on here?
Will somebody tell me the truth?
Holy shit!
I mean... jeepers.
The truth?
You can't handle the truth.
This is all in your mind.
We're actually
in the year 3028.
The 20th century started out fine
but later got shitty.
You had an accident
and decided to freeze yourself.
You're in a coma now.
But in the future we gave you new
arms, legs and buttocks.
New hair?
No, but if you want hair,
that's fine.
Make it curly, please.
We do straight hair better, but
fine. But you have to wake up.
I don't understand.
You must leave
this space-time
to return to the future.
- I'm bored. I don't get it.
- Okay.
Pay attention.
This is the present.
We are here.
- I'm lost.
- Just do as I say.
Jump off the building, kill yourself,
the coma is broken and you're all set.
In the future you can run, dance,
moonwalk... and you have great hair.
Hold on, I was thinking...
If this is a dream,
this fucking sucks!
I should be on a yacht
surrounded by chicks in bikinis.
No, look.
You chose the basic package.
It says so right here.
That's why you could move!
I can't move.
The cheaper package
can have errors.
Then everything
I've experienced here?
What about Ramira?
You'll have to choose between Ramira
and that great head of hair.
Curly hair.
What is this?
What is this?
Mom, we all have problems.
I lost my butler Jeeves.
They're mocking me.
They're playing with me.
Think, Mom. Maybe this is what
Simeon wants. To play. What's that for?
This? Take...
your pick?
One, two, three, take your pick.
One, two, three, take your pick.
Movies for three euros!
One, two, three,
knock down the wall.
One, two, three,
knock down the wall.
Simeon? Is that you?
What do you mean?
I don't understand.
What? You want to play
movie charades?
Two words?
Columbus!
Christopher Columbus!
Robot. A robot?
A traffic cop?
Dance...
What do you mean? I don't
understand. Give me a hint.
Where are you going?
Where does this lead?
Take this with you, Pedro.
To remember me by.
My egg.
I don't mean to rush you, but...
How's that suicide coming?
I'm not going to jump.
Ramira, I may never walk again,
but I've met someone wonderful here.
Ramira, I'm staying with you.
I love you!
Okay, one little thing,
before I forget.
- You look great in blue.
- Thanks.
You have to jump! We only get paid
if the customer wakes up!
Oh my God.
What's that music?
Do you hear it too?
It's like totally possessing me.
Faun!
Ramira!
Pedro!
You'd rather stay here with me?
That's very sweet of you,
but this is all a dream.
It isn't real.
Fuck the real world!
Ofendia?
Yes, Mom. It was me.
I've been leaving you clues
so you'd find Simeon.
He's here, don't you see?
Son!
I've finally found you!
Are you okay? Are you okay?
Can't you see he's dead?
You're so tan!
What's wrong?
Answer Mommy.
Answer Mommy.
No!
Wait a second.
If all this is in my head,
then I can control it.
Concentrate.
Concentrate.
Concentrate.
Concentrate.
Pedro!
Ramira, I can do anything I want
now. I can have any body
- you want!
- I like you as you are.
Nobody's perfect.
LAXATIVE
EXTRA STRONG
No!
What have you done?
I need to take a crap!
No, listen. This is all a dream.
It's not real.
Yes, it is, trust me.
This is a dream and in dreams
your wishes can come true.
If you concentrate, if you believe,
Simeon can come back.
Concentrate. Concentrate.
Mommy.
No, not him.
Remember, believing is...
Concentrate, damn it!
Hi, Mommy.
Son!
My son!
It stinks.
My love.
My precious.
My son.
Look, you have nothing to fear.
Look.
I'll be right back!
Come with me, Simeon.
I'll show you the world
your disease wouldn't let you see.
Would you like that?
I don't know.
I don't trust you one bit.
You needn't fear the sun anymore.
I'll always be here for you,
Simeon...
Oops!
Oh my God.
Get it all on fucking tape!
Weird things are happening
in this house.
Live and in color,
a horde of zombies.
What the hell is this?
What are you doing here?
Stupid intern!
Not the sun!
No!
A little champagne, sunshine?
Ouch!
We're here, surrounded by zombies,
on live television.
Completely covered in human blood...
and naked, yes, naked.
Coming right up.
Here goes. That makes... 507.
Here, your tapa.
Keep your eyes on the marble,
ladies.
Where is it?
Living dead....
That fucking hurt!
We're professionals and we'll do
anything to bring you the news!
If she gets eaten, too bad.
The audience wants to know
what's going on!
What it's like to be devoured alive!
The zombies are throwing
things at us!
We're going to die!
This sucks!
I've done things you don't...
I don't want to know.
- I tried, okay?
- Cut.
No, no!
It's closed.
What's wrong with you guys?
Since we always keep the house
so dark...
Sorry. Did I hit you in the nuts?
I can't feel anything.
You're all skin and bones!
When I gain some weight
I'll hump your brains out.
It's ready.
PORN OUI
Mine, mine!
And Ramira?
You'll have to choose between
Ramira or that great head of hair.
I'll take the hair.
See you later.
Cut!
You were recording?
Who locked the door?
What do you mean you won't jump?
We only get paid...
Want me to say it?
Robot. A robot.
A robot?
A drummer boy. A drummer boy.
No, Jesus.
Rabbit. A little rabbit.
Like this. Flying.
Jesus. Goodbye.
Crazy? I'm not crazy.
Dance, dance!
Dance, my son.
Oh, your hair has grown!
Sebastian!
Good to see you.
She's arrived.
She's watching us.
Who are you?
Ramira, reporting for work.
The agency sent me
to look after the children.
Touchy, touchy!
Like she pisses perfume....
Don't you worry, ma'am.
I'm fine!
Damn!
You scared the shit out of me.
- You must be Simeon.
- Yes.
- The son, right?
- Yes.
Is that how you welcome me?
I almost broke
my neck.
It wasn't me.
It was probably my sister.
Right. You look very pale.
Did you eat spoiled yogurt
or something?
Come here, show me your tongue.
Open your mouth.
Stick it out.
I can't see a damn thing.
Simeon?
Don't open the windows.
Simeon!
It hurts, it really hurts...
Where is he?
Right fucking here!
Why are you hiding in there?
I'm photosensitive.
I can't be exposed to sunlight.
Photo what?
Photosensitive!
You're just run down.
You could use some sunshine.
You need to get out more.
Let's go outside.
No! You don't understand!
Not the sun!
Don't, please! The sun!
Give me a break!
On the double, Barney Rubble!
You need some fresh air!
No!
I can't believe it!
Am I cured?
Mommy, Mommy! I'm cured!
Open up! Open up!
I have such a way with kids.
What an angel.
I won him over on my first day.
Simeon?
SUNSTOP
Simeon, it's time for your medicine!
Simeon?
What's the game, son?
What have you done?
This one?
Which fucking one is it?
Right.
How silly of me!
It was open.
Roberta, have you seen my son?
Simeon? No.
Let's get a few things straight,
Raimunda.
- Ramira.
- Ramona.
In this house we have rules,
understand?
Yes, ma'am.
Never open a door without
first closing the previous one.
We open windows on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays.
If you want to open the fridge,
you have to fill out this form
and fax it to me.
These precautions are for my son.
He's photosensitive.
The tiniest ray of light
could make him
severely ill. Is that clear?
It's a bit chilly in here,
isn't it?
The heating doesn't work.
We have old-fashioned heating.
How does that work?
Isn't there a man around
to fix the?
A man?
I wish.
- But alas, my husband is at war.
- What war?
I'm alone, Bernarda, all alone.
So alone I could crap myself.
Well, I do have my children.
My precious children.
But I also need
the warmth of a man.
His strong arms around me,
that feeling of masculinity...
That's Ofendia, my daughter.
Forgive her, she's not very smart.
But she's exquisitely sensitive.
Oh, Diego.
Your strong arms around me,
pearls of sweat on your chest,
your firm hands stroking my body,
protecting me from this chill
in my bones
that suffocates me.
You said you were cold...
Right. By the way,
have you seen my son around?
Who? No. A boy? What's that?
Did you hear that?
Footsteps... upstairs.
Up there!
- What is that?
- A handle.
They're used for opening doors.
Open the damn door!
Yes, of course.
Hi. Is something wrong?
What was that noise?
What were you doing?
Sorry, I must have been
doing aerobics!
Palmira, this is my brother,
Pedro San Anton.
Don't be fooled. He says he can't
move, but I'm convinced he's lying.
He's just lazy.
Like a wave,
your love came into my life.
Like a wave,
with uncanny force,
white foam and the sound
of seashells.
Like a wave.
San Anton!
Have you seen Simeon?
I can't find him anywhere.
No, I haven't seen him...
Ramira.
Please don't go.
If you don't mind,
- I'd like to paint you.
- Me?
How sweet!
Okay.
- Now I'd like to paint your portrait.
- Of course.
Don't be long.
There are a lot of things to do
around the house.
It's ready.
Amazing!
You're a real artist!
No, no, no!
Everything I paint is crap!
There's an Irishman
who paints with his left foot
and a guy in Japan
who does landscapes
with the brush
on the end of his dick.
See? That was my life
before the accident.
How I miss adventure,
climbing mountains, sailing,
using the crosswalk.
I can't anymore. I'm paralyzed
from the double chin down.
You mean you really can't move?
You're not just being lazy
like Mom says?
Ofendia, hiding in my underwear
- drawer again?
- So you can't feel this?
No, sweetie.
What about this?
Nothing at all.
Kids!
Do you have children, Ramira?
No, not yet.
Are you single?
I might have a chance.
I'm sorry, you're too late.
I'm married.
You see? I can't do anything right.
My life is crap.
- Don't exaggerate.
- Look at me.
A woman like you comes into my life
and I haven't got a chance.
- Please, bring my pills.
- Your pills?
They're in my sister's room.
Bring all you can.
Ofelia, I told you
I can't feel anything.
A fairy!
I'll go and get your pills.
The ones with the skull
on the bottle.
You're beautiful.
Who are you?
I'm a fairy, dear child.
Great! Why are you here?
I'm on an important mission
from a wonderful fantasy world.
Do you want to help me?
No.
Fucking bitch!
Monster!
Fuck!
Come here.
Now I'm going to introduce you
to your roommates.
Do whatever she says.
She's a fucking wacko.
Really, Pedro...
What an interesting life
you've had.
And there's plenty more to come.
Pedro, say something.
You were so talkative
only a minute ago.
Pedro.
Pedro.
Pedro!
Another one went and died on me!
Raimunda?
I can't find Simeon anywhere.
I'm starting to worry.
Rigoberta?
Segismunda,
open the door!
Don't die on me!
My schedule is already full today!
Get up!
Open the door!
Filomena,
open the door!
What's going on?
What is this, a nightclub?
You're alive!
Thank God.
Holy shit!
I mean... jeepers.
I almost made it. I saw the light
in the tunnel and everything.
- What's going on here?
- He tried to kill himself!
Not that nonsense again!
Ignore him, he's a fraud.
Come on,
let's look for the boy.
If my heart...
If my heart...
... ever beats again.
... ever beats again.
I promise that it will...
You can count on it.
... with you.
Okay, listen up.
Your voice is better than yesterday.
But you, fairy.
Your choreography is awful.
Even so,
you touched my heart.
So I'll only fry
one of you.
Salutations, small mortal.
I see you've met my fairy.
Damn, you're ugly.
Watch out, master!
Beware! This girl is...
Who are you?
I have many names.
Old names.
Some call me Faun, others Pan,
others Goatpussy...
You look like a cross
between a shepherd and a goat.
- I need your help...
- Those noises.
Is that with your mouth?
Noises? What noises?
I have a message
from the future for...
That shake is cool.
Do it again.
Take me to Pedro San...
The shake. Do it again!
Let's stay focused,
nasty little one.
You have to take me
to Pedro San Anton...
What's that?
A talking goat.
Can I keep it?
If it doesn't crap on the floor.
Have you seen your brother around?
I can't find him anywhere.
Did you look in that little door?
He can't be far.
He'll turn up.
- Back off, fat ass!
- Ofendia!
Pay her no mind.
Your rear end is...
larger than a moment ago?
Yes, ma'am.
It's a very serious disease.
I've had several biographies done on me
and they say it's degenerative.
Your ass starts to swell
until it bursts.
Great.
And you die.
I'm sorry.
Holy shit, how lucky!
- I mean... jeepers.
- It's no big deal.
We're all dead anyway.
I told you not to say those things.
Mom, none of this is real.
We're all dead. You, me, Simeon...
Nobody here is dead,
especially your brother.
Well, he might be, right?
Who knows?
Maybe he just burst into flames
for no reason.
It happens. Plenty of people
die like that. Why don't you
- take a valium?
- Why don't you shut up?
- I don't know.
- And find my son.
It's his bedtime.
Okay.
Filthy mutt!
Antonio!
Hi.
Are you lounging on the sofa
as usual?
No, I'm just walking in the door.
I was out looking
for really hard work.
Liar! I'm watching you
on the split screen.
Look at me when I talk to you,
damn it!
Where are you?
Here, Antonio!
Honey, I'm in big trouble
and I need your help
or I'll get fired.
Call Jose and offer him
50 euros for a job.
Okay.
You really hammered me.
Did you break my horn?
- No, your horn is fine.
- Who am I again?
Jeeves. I'm the princess
and you're Jeeves, my butler.
I recall something about a mission
and being a faun...
Exactly. Your mission is to do
anything I say.
Next time you must address me
as your royal Highness
and bow at my feet.
I don't know if I can remember
all that.
- Your Highness.
- Your Highness.
Thank you, Jose.
You're a lifesaver.
Now lie down
and pretend you're asleep.
Did you find Simeon?
Yes, yes.
What an angel.
I just tucked him in.
Good. I'll say good night.
No!
No, leave him alone.
I mean, boys his age...
need a little more intimacy.
Intimacy?
How revolting!
At times like these
I miss my husband the most...
But he's not here.
So I'll have to talk to him myself.
Would you please step aside?
Simeon?
Simeon, sweetheart.
What are you doing?
Simeon.
Have I ever told you
about the birds and the bees?
It's a beautiful story.
Like when you were conceived.
It was so lovely, so beautiful.
Your father and I met
in a roadside bar.
I'd had a few cocktails.
Only fifteen or twenty.
And your father got a little
naughty.
I felt dizzy
and went to the bathroom.
He followed me
and grabbed me from behind,
propped me up against the wall
and wham, bam!
He humped my brains out.
But it was very tender,
very sweet.
Then he did me doggie-style
while he fondled my perky breasts.
Wham, bam!
In and out, on top, from behind...
And without lubricant!
And the result
of that night's love....
you.
Look at you now.
You remind me so much
of your father.
With that... scratchy beard.
What are you hiding in there?
What is this?
Playing with the flashlight again?
Oh my God!
Have I ever told you the story...
....about the old lighthouse?
It hasn't worked for years,
but you want to hear a secret?
They say it has an invisible light
that protects us all.
Now say your prayers
and go to sleep.
Ouch!
Make yourself at home.
Is this how poor people live?
We can't all have a mansion
like your mom's.
Why not move in with us?
Silly girl.
I can't. Who would take care
of my Antonio?
- Has he got your number?
- My number? No, no.
We're too poor.
I don't have a cell phone.
No, I mean like you
and my uncle San Anton.
You like each other.
I can tell.
What are you?
I love my husband, that's why
I married him. "Till death do us part."
That's how we'll do it then.
Till death does you part.
Where is my man?
My brave swordsman.
I'm waiting for you,
you're a sex machine.
Hello.
Can I help you, ma'am?
Of course you can help me.
I'm...
Excuse me.
No, I said quicklime. Quicklime.
Thank you.
Maligna Escobero,
from the Department of Rare....
Diseases.
How may I be of service?
Where's Simeon?
May I please see him?
I don't know.
Playing somewhere, I guess.
"Playing somewhere.''
Negligent fucking putz.
Why do you want to see Simeon?
It's all right, I'll serve myself.
We've found out that there may be
a cure for his rare...
disease. And I have to ask him
these questions. For example:
Do you think the boy
would fit in this sack?
Does Simeon scream a lot?
Hold your cup closer, dear.
Children
are so naive,
so easy to deceive.
Scum-sucking bastards!
Like little Simeon.
His disease makes him especially
fragile. Now Simeon....
Filthy cocksuckers!
.... Could be outside, unprotected
from the sunlight.
His soft skin slowly sizzling,
with tiny bubbles of pus bursting,
screaming in pain...
Who are you?
Leave this house this instant
or I'm calling the police.
I...
I brought you
this system of protection
for sensitive skin.
You see?
Hello?
Ma'am?
Ma'am?
Freelancers must be very careful.
Their health and physical integrity
are of vital importance to their job.
They must always use their heads.
Five losers...
Iocked...
The door's locked!
We'll never get out of here!
... in a bar.
The moment I set foot in here...
I can't take it.
Winner of thirty-something
Goya Awards.
How long have we been in here?
I have no fucking clue.
Including Best Wardrobe,
Best Special Effects,
Tremendous action,
love that comes...
He has red hair. He has no eyebrows
but he paints them on every morning.
You think you're better than me?
... and goes.
It doesn't matter, you can keep it.
I have X-Ray vision.
Comedy and melodrama.
Boozy Mondays.
- Give me another.
- Coming right up.
Another Spanish movie!
Is Antonio getting home soon?
I don't think so. He's looking for
work, the poor thing.
He's a sweetheart. You'll see when
you meet him. Such a hard worker.
Have you been drinking?
No.
Sure.
Antonio!
This is Ofendia,
my employer's daughter.
What's for dinner?
That's enough, okay, Antonio?
That's enough.
That's enough!
Ofendia, I lied.
My husband is a bum.
He's a couch potato.
He moves less than
your uncle San Anton.
What a temper!
I let her talk and shout
to get it out of her system,
you know?
Because I'm the one who wears
the pants in this family.
Oh, yeah?
You don't look like it.
You want proof?
Yeah, because I don't believe it.
Ramira!
My lunch!
Right now, I'm hungry!
You call that wearing the pants?
Ramira...
This is bullshit.
I'm the boss around here.
Either make me another plate
of spaghetti like this one...
or I'll...
or I'll smack you upside the head!
Ramira, I quit!
That house gives me the creeps!
Good! Now you and my uncle San Anton
can get married.
Pedro!
Like a wave,
your love came into my life.
Like a wave,
with uncanny force,
white foam and the sound
of seashells.
Like a wave.
And we sailed away, the sea inside,
heedless of the voices
in the wind.
Like a wave.
Your love grew
like a wave.
Pedro.
Pedro!
What is it, Ramira?
- I killed my husband.
- Then why?
Actually, I'm not sure.
Then why won't you kill me?
Squeeze tighter.
Squeeze, that's it.
I can hardly breathe.
That's it, tighter...
Holy shit!
I mean... jeepers.
I can't do it.
Why not? You're going to jail
anyway. What's another cadaver?
I can't do this to you.
You're the person I trust most.
Does that mean I might have a chance
with you? Since you're free....
- What's going on here?
- Ma'am, I've done something horrible.
I know, I was eavesdropping
behind the door. Paca,
you have our support.
We'll even turn you in
to the police if you want.
I'll pay for the call myself.
What are you talking about?
Ramira has to hide here with us
until things calm down.
And if she feels homicidal again,
great. She's like one of the family.
I hadn't considered
staying but since you asked...
That's very kind of you.
I'll treat the girl
like my own daughter.
And the boy?
Of course, and the boy too.
Get ready. Today's his birthday
and we're having a party later.
It's the boy's birthday?
That's great!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SIMEON
Isn't this great?
This is the best birthday party
I've ever been to.
I'll start cleaning up.
What? My son hasn't
even shown up yet.
Where could he be?
I'm starting to worry.
Mom, can I keep the presents
if Simeon doesn't show?
Those presents
belong to your brother!
Look at this suit I got him
for UVA protection.
Go find him and tell him
to get in here.
I could swear I saw him earlier
eating potato chips.
Chips? What chips?
There aren't any left.
Where? I looked and couldn't...
Shut up! I heard a noise.
Simeon?
Simeon, is that you?
Poor thing, you made yourself
a shabby little suit
for sun protection.
Here, put this one on.
It's much nicer.
Simeon?
Simeon...
Simeon?
Simeon, I heard you.
Where are you?
Simeon?
Simeon?
You don't like the suit
I got you?
It cost a fortune,
but we can exchange it.
I think I have the receipt.
Poor thing. What's wrong?
What?
We're recording!
Angela. Angela, damn it!
What?
- There's something hanging...
- What?
- You have something.
- My hair? Okay?
- Right, your hair.
- Okay.
- Ready?
- Okay.
Good evening. This is Angela Vidal,
reporting from outside the bathroom door
where a woman has apparently...
- Holy shit!
- She's a zombie!
Living dead, a freak of nature!
- Keep recording!
- Run!
Get this on fucking tape!
I swear I saw him.
I saw him.
- You did?
- Yes.
He had a sack over his head
and he did this:
My little Santiago
means the world to me.
Simeon.
Right, Simeon. My darling...
I was wondering, maybe...
somebody new might
have entered the house,
someone who didn't know
about his illness,
and by mistake
and with the best intentions,
even trying to do the kid a favor,
because he looked as pale as a ghost,
taken the boy outside
without knowing.
Yeah? Who? Who would commit
such an atrocity?
Who could be so sick, so degenerate,
- so inhumane...
- Me?
I got it!
Maligna Escobero.
A very suspicious woman.
So suspicious I could crap myself.
She came around yesterday
asking about Sergio.
- Simeon.
- Right, Simeon.
My prince. It was her, I know it.
I can feel it.
I can smell it.
Sorry. That was me.
Wherever you are,
I'll search sky and land,
cross valleys and mountains...
- What is it?
- That's not Simeon.
We always kept the house so dark...
This is all my fault.
Ramira.
Look what the little brat
did to my hand. Help me out.
Oh, Pedro.
You're such a good listener.
Of course I am.
Since I can't go anywhere...
- I've done an awful thing.
- We all do awful things.
You don't understand.
There's something you don't know.
I don't want to know.
It's better to forget some things.
Take me, for example.
The past did this to me.
I'm sure it's a nice story.
But what I meant to say is
- what actually happened to Simeon...
- Yes, it is a nice story.
Between nice and shitty.
I'll tell you in a flashback,
it's better.
I was young, handsome
and had a great head of hair.
Open your eyes.
Open your eyes.
I was cruel and ruthless,
obsessed with my perfect body.
I didn't like what I saw
in the mirror every morning.
Did I mention I had great hair?
It's worth remembering.
Lord have mercy, did I ever.
My life was a series of atrocities.
Violence, pain...
So I hit the street,
ready to do my job.
It wasn't very pleasant.
Primarily because
I was a homicidal psychopath.
There was something strange
in the air that day.
Where was everyone?
I walked the streets
like anybody else.
Nobody, absolutely nobody
knew how cruel I was.
But that day my instinct told me
something wasn't right.
I was engulfed with rage
and I lost control.
And, well, those were the last steps
I ever took.
Where are you? Where?
I swear I'll find you
and I'll kill you all!
I said left!
Traffic light! Pedestrian!
- We're fucked, Luis!
- Start the car, Carlos!
I've been confined to this bed
ever since.
Well, Pedro. I hope things
don't get any worse.
I'm here to love
and care for you.
Thanks, Ramira.
But you know what I want.
Oh, Pedro.
I've had enough killing.
Don't worry, I'll help you get
your zest for life back.
I have happiness in my jeans!
Marrying you would sure bring back
my zest for life.
Sorry, I woke up starving.
It's coming from over there,
from the window.
It's outside. It's him.
He's in the fog!
Serafin!
Mommy's coming for you!
Serafin! Santiago! Sergio!
Little boy!
Hey, how much are you charging
for those pills?
Shit, Danny. I already took thirty.
I'm sleepy already.
- I'm outta here.
- Juani, so soon?
I'm coming with you!
Who's there?
Is it you, Diego?
My hero?
Diego! What has the war
done to you?
It fucked me up.
I don't care.
I'm so glad you're alive.
I thought I'd never
touch you again...
or hold you or feel
your touch.
Take it easy, baby.
Let me rest.
You'll get yours later.
Bullshit! Heat me up, Diego!
Now!
We'll make love for hours.
Come on, take me!
Come on! Fuck me! Fuck me!
Faster!
I was at war, not playing bingo!
I'm already lubricated!
You're all skin and bones!
I don't know if I can find it
with all this fog.
Come on, big boy!
Faster!
Faster!
Careful, you'll wake the children.
Diego, my head!
Holy shit! Is this a hat
or a fucking boomerang?
Yes!
- My love warrior!
- No comment.
There's so much I have to tell you.
Me too.
- Our son, Siegfried...
- Simeon.
Right. The boy has disappeared.
And I can't take it anymore.
Because our son
isn't the brightest of the bunch.
Are you listening to me,
Diego?
Girl, the war made me do things
I ain't proud of.
I've been through it all.
Let me start from the beginning.
It was the year 1625.
The Count-Duke of Olivares
commanded the men of Flanders
and I was given a dangerous mission:
To challenge a mysterious
swordsman to a duel.
He had a beard.
He was a real sweetheart.
I killed him, but he had
powerful friends in the shadows...
So there I was with Quevedo, who by
the way is fatter than ever....
And another mysterious swordsman
comes after me.
Hey, I'm talking to you!
Yeah, right. The swordsman.
Unbelievable.
You're here, that's all that matters.
I'll never let you leave again.
Actually, that's what I wanted
- to talk to you about.
- No.
Don't you see how long
I've been
alone? Every night I prayed
that you were okay,
that you'd come back.
By the way, you look awful,
but I love you anyway.
And now that you're here...
I live for your kisses,
your thankless smile.
Your beautiful caresses,
the joy you bring me.
That you won't let me down,
that you'll never leave me.
Lying here in bed,
I've never needed you more.
I'm the one waiting for you.
I'm the one weeping for you.
I'm the one longing for you.
Every minute, every hour.
I'm dying to kiss you,
to kiss you all night long.
I'm dying to tell you
that the world is wrong.
I'm dying to kiss you,
to kiss you all night long.
I'm dying to tell you
that the world is wrong.
The world is wrong!
The world is wrong!
That song was pretty fucking cheesy!
At least the lyrics were true,
- unlike yours.
- What?
"I'm 7 times as strong as you? "
Bullshit.
- I was.
- Oh, yeah?
You were 7 times stronger
than a guy who weighed 200 pounds?
- In proportion.
- Oh, in proportion!
You should have said so!
"I'm 7 times as strong as you, in
proportion." Then you're not lying.
Get off my case!
Picky, picky!
That cap of yours is a disgrace.
"We're Smurfs! "
Give yourselves a last name!
Jerk!
Well, well.
How's that for grumpy?
Diego.
Diego...
Diego?
Girl, I'm leaving you.
I'm in bad shape.
The war was a lonely place
for a man...
I made friends with
Alfrodo and Samti,
two really friendly midgets
with hairy legs.
They told me about the ring's power
and one thing led to another...
That's impossible!
Yes, it is possible.
Amazingly, what's in the photo
can be done.
Hobbits are incredibly flexible.
I have something important
to tell you.
- Did you kill someone else?
- Yes.
I mean, no.
No, for God's sake.
It's something else.
I want you to know how grateful I am
you took me in.
Will you do anything for me?
Of course.
Then marry me.
Or kill me.
Here we go again!
- Pedro, why?
- You know why, Ramira.
Look at my hand.
Only inches away from yours.
Well, not now.
Okay, there.
For me, this is an impossible
distance. A chimera.
You see?
She was right. You can move.
- She said she saw you sleepwalking.
- I don't believe that.
If it were true,
you and I could leave tonight,
together,
galloping naked on a lively steed,
our bodies rubbing against each other
as we penetrate the Galician steppe,
your breasts and the horse
bouncing in unison...
But I can't leave my sister
at a time like this,
destroyed by Simeon's disappearance.
Little Simeon.
That's right.
Maybe I could help find him.
- You? How?
- My mom knows
a woman with powers in my village.
She predicts stuff, sees dead people,
opens walnuts with her ass...
- Can she contact missing people?
- Yeah.
She talks to Joan the Mad
- on the Ouija board.
- We must find her.
It's impossible.
Her husband was Philip the Handsome.
He died centuries ago.
No, I mean the woman
who contacts missing people.
Oh, her. Of course.
Tomorrow we'll go to my village
and fix this whole mess.
We'll find Simeon, you'll see.
Alive, dead,
in chunks of charred flesh...
TYPICAL ALMODOVARIAN VILLAGE
To return...
wrinkled by age,
my face made silver
by the snows of time.
To feel...
life is but a gasp,
20 years is nothing,
a feverish gaze, wandering the
shadows, calling out your name.
To live...
clutching your soul...
Hands off, father!
That woman!
It's her!
It's Maligna!
Maligna!
No!
No!
Hit the brakes, damn it!
We hit an old lady! I said left!
- My left or your left?
- You're clueless! Let me out!
Please, step back!
Step back, please!
Okay, where's the marble?
You're looking confused.
Lady, please.
Excuse me, did you see
an old woman get run over?
Yeah, over there.
The lady likes to gamble.
Is there a doctor in the house?
Help me!
- Help me!
- A doctor?
Is there a doctor in the house?
Is there a doctor in the house?
You! You're a doctor!
What makes you say that?
Please hurry!
Do something, please!
Don't worry, I know what I'm doing.
They say I'm a doctor.
Anybody got a defibrillator?
Excuse me, sorry.
I think she's dead.
Oh my God!
Girlfriend, look who's here!
Make yourselves comfortable.
Not you, you're stiffer
than Stonehenge!
Forgive the mess,
my cleaning lady hasn't come.
Because she drinks.
Out of the closet?
Try out of the minibar!
What was I going to tell you?
Oh, yeah. You were right.
Maligna Escobero was dangerous.
We'd been after her for a while.
We searched her house
and look what we found.
- God!
- You said it.
Back in the 80's she was a
celebrity. An icon.
Take a look at her record.
Maligna was Horace Hedgehog.
Apparently
she got sick of the monotony and decided
to go with a more modern look.
But the kids
didn't accept the change
and her show got cancelled.
She went downhill from there.
She did her best to find work,
but the city can be especially hard
on a seven-foot hedgehog.
Eventually, insane and drunk,
she decided to kidnap children
for revenge.
Oh my God!
My poor Samuel!
Simeon.
- Right.
- But no.
Maligna didn't kidnap your son.
The day he disappeared
there was a bank robbery.
We'd lost her trail since then,
until today.
We can all celebrate.
She's dead.
How about a cocktail, sunshine?
Is my son alive or dead?
Dead.
I'm just kidding, silly!
I don't know and I don't care.
That's out of my jurisdiction.
Ramira, let's find that friend of
your mother's. That's all we can do.
Who taped "Cockeye the Sailor"?
This isn't for kicks,
it's for my disease.
Agustica,
will Mom be long?
I don't think so.
She usually appears
at this hour!
Act like you can't see her.
She thinks she's a ghost.
Somebody farted.
Mother!
Ramira has come to ask you
about your medium.
Incredible!
A flying glass.
Is that you, Mom?
Yes, Ramira, my daughter.
- I'm your mother.
- Hi, Mom.
Why have you come home?
I need your medium's phone number.
Fuck!
This is all so paranormal.
I need you to help me
find my son.
This is her number.
Damn, this pen doesn't work.
Another one.
Here it is.
Okay, catch you later.
Goodbye!
I feel a pwesence...
What did she say?
A vewy stwong pwesence.
We brought the wrong presents.
Babalan, tuwn on the stwobe light.
The what light?
The stwobe light, damn it!
Oh, the disco light.
In order to recreate
the spiritual ambience,
I will need absolute silence,
some pork grinds and a beer.
This lullaby will put Gerarda
in a trance
to enter into contact
with the missing.
I think that's it.
Gerarda.
Are you asleep?
Let's continue.
If there is a presence
in this house,
let it appear...
now.
It's moving by itself!
Has that ever happened before?
My husband
used to do the same thing.
There is clearly
a very strong presence here.
And raunchy too.
Gerarda, you can open your eyes now.
I feel a presence around me.
She's in the corridor...
Heading for that door.
Ask her if she sees my son.
There's something here.
Screams.
Suffering.
Gerarda.
Gerarda!
I think we've lost contact.
This doesn't seem to be working.
You can't just leave like this!
Gerarda, what can I do?
When awful things happen,
sometimes they leave a print.
Like an echo that wants to be heard.
I don't understand.
You hear but you do not listen.
Hear what?
Listen to what?
It's not seeing is believing, it's
believing is smelling. No, wait.
You must believe what you see.
No, wait.
I see, I believe, I listen,
I look...
Can I touch too?
I got it!
Not believing is seeing,
but knowing is growing.
Maybe it's the other way around.
Women believe anything.
Stuff like "rejuvenating cream"
and "just the tip"...
For now just believe
and later we'll see.
Come on, Babalan.
Let's get out of here.
What a pain!
Hey, wait a minute!
I'm stuck!
- No, no...
- Yes!
- What's the problem?
- I'm sorry, Pedro. I can't.
Sure you can, it's easy.
It could have been over by now.
- Killing is like riding a bicycle.
- No!
- You said you'd help me.
- I'm sorry, I can't.
If you can't make me happy
by loving me,
do it by killing me.
No way.
I have everything ready.
All I need is a video camera.
Okay, look. I have a friend
who might be able to help.
My name is Pedro San Anton
and I'm about to die.
No! Cut! That was crap!
- Isn't that the line?
- Do it again!
Final sequence, take one.
- My name is Pedro....
- No, no! Cut!
It's too gloomy.
Let's spice it up a little.
Are you recording this?
Okay, my name is Pedro San Anton...
Excuse me, could you speak up
a little bit?
We can't understand you.
Be natural, but shout.
Okay? Let's go.
Okay.
My name is Pedro San Anton
and I'm going to kill myself
because my life sucks...
Cut! That was fucking crap!
Let's break for lunch.
I want to believe....
and see....
and smell and touch and sing....
Son? Is that you?
Are you trying to tell me
something?
- Take it easy.
- No, you take it easy.
- No, you take it easy.
- No, you take it easy.
- Who are you looking for?
- My son Simon. And you?
My son Sergio... Siegfried...
My son too.
- Good luck.
- You too.
PORN OUI
A pipe...
My gun. But where?
A pick?
What's a pick doing here?
Okay, boys. Thanks.
I think our little show
kept him distracted.
By the way, the glass was great.
It looked like real cyanide.
- What was it?
- Cyanide.
What?
Hey, handsome.
Help me and I'll do
anything you want.
Pedro!
Pedro, no!
Thanks!
You saved my life!
I can't right now.
I have to find my master, the faun.
Shit! I can't fly!
Thanks, sugar.
We'll do it again sometime.
Though I couldn't find your...
Faster!
There's my master!
I'm not that kind of goat!
Master, please!
Try to remember!
I'm your fairy!
We have to continue
our mission!
Knock yourselves out!
Pedro, wait!
Keep it down, honey.
Pedro,
it's time for you
to abandon this world.
- Great! When, now?
- Yes,
- now.
- It's about time.
That's right, it's time.
Right now?
When your time is up,
it's up.
- Then his time is up.
- Knock it off!
You have to go back
to the real world.
The real world?
You're imagining all this.
- Then who am I?
- A hologram with tits.
But allow me to explain
in more appropriate surroundings.
What's going on here?
Will somebody tell me the truth?
Holy shit!
I mean... jeepers.
The truth?
You can't handle the truth.
This is all in your mind.
We're actually
in the year 3028.
The 20th century started out fine
but later got shitty.
You had an accident
and decided to freeze yourself.
You're in a coma now.
But in the future we gave you new
arms, legs and buttocks.
New hair?
No, but if you want hair,
that's fine.
Make it curly, please.
We do straight hair better, but
fine. But you have to wake up.
I don't understand.
You must leave
this space-time
to return to the future.
- I'm bored. I don't get it.
- Okay.
Pay attention.
This is the present.
We are here.
- I'm lost.
- Just do as I say.
Jump off the building, kill yourself,
the coma is broken and you're all set.
In the future you can run, dance,
moonwalk... and you have great hair.
Hold on, I was thinking...
If this is a dream,
this fucking sucks!
I should be on a yacht
surrounded by chicks in bikinis.
No, look.
You chose the basic package.
It says so right here.
That's why you could move!
I can't move.
The cheaper package
can have errors.
Then everything
I've experienced here?
What about Ramira?
You'll have to choose between Ramira
and that great head of hair.
Curly hair.
What is this?
What is this?
Mom, we all have problems.
I lost my butler Jeeves.
They're mocking me.
They're playing with me.
Think, Mom. Maybe this is what
Simeon wants. To play. What's that for?
This? Take...
your pick?
One, two, three, take your pick.
One, two, three, take your pick.
Movies for three euros!
One, two, three,
knock down the wall.
One, two, three,
knock down the wall.
Simeon? Is that you?
What do you mean?
I don't understand.
What? You want to play
movie charades?
Two words?
Columbus!
Christopher Columbus!
Robot. A robot?
A traffic cop?
Dance...
What do you mean? I don't
understand. Give me a hint.
Where are you going?
Where does this lead?
Take this with you, Pedro.
To remember me by.
My egg.
I don't mean to rush you, but...
How's that suicide coming?
I'm not going to jump.
Ramira, I may never walk again,
but I've met someone wonderful here.
Ramira, I'm staying with you.
I love you!
Okay, one little thing,
before I forget.
- You look great in blue.
- Thanks.
You have to jump! We only get paid
if the customer wakes up!
Oh my God.
What's that music?
Do you hear it too?
It's like totally possessing me.
Faun!
Ramira!
Pedro!
You'd rather stay here with me?
That's very sweet of you,
but this is all a dream.
It isn't real.
Fuck the real world!
Ofendia?
Yes, Mom. It was me.
I've been leaving you clues
so you'd find Simeon.
He's here, don't you see?
Son!
I've finally found you!
Are you okay? Are you okay?
Can't you see he's dead?
You're so tan!
What's wrong?
Answer Mommy.
Answer Mommy.
No!
Wait a second.
If all this is in my head,
then I can control it.
Concentrate.
Concentrate.
Concentrate.
Concentrate.
Pedro!
Ramira, I can do anything I want
now. I can have any body
- you want!
- I like you as you are.
Nobody's perfect.
LAXATIVE
EXTRA STRONG
No!
What have you done?
I need to take a crap!
No, listen. This is all a dream.
It's not real.
Yes, it is, trust me.
This is a dream and in dreams
your wishes can come true.
If you concentrate, if you believe,
Simeon can come back.
Concentrate. Concentrate.
Mommy.
No, not him.
Remember, believing is...
Concentrate, damn it!
Hi, Mommy.
Son!
My son!
It stinks.
My love.
My precious.
My son.
Look, you have nothing to fear.
Look.
I'll be right back!
Come with me, Simeon.
I'll show you the world
your disease wouldn't let you see.
Would you like that?
I don't know.
I don't trust you one bit.
You needn't fear the sun anymore.
I'll always be here for you,
Simeon...
Oops!
Oh my God.
Get it all on fucking tape!
Weird things are happening
in this house.
Live and in color,
a horde of zombies.
What the hell is this?
What are you doing here?
Stupid intern!
Not the sun!
No!
A little champagne, sunshine?
Ouch!
We're here, surrounded by zombies,
on live television.
Completely covered in human blood...
and naked, yes, naked.
Coming right up.
Here goes. That makes... 507.
Here, your tapa.
Keep your eyes on the marble,
ladies.
Where is it?
Living dead....
That fucking hurt!
We're professionals and we'll do
anything to bring you the news!
If she gets eaten, too bad.
The audience wants to know
what's going on!
What it's like to be devoured alive!
The zombies are throwing
things at us!
We're going to die!
This sucks!
I've done things you don't...
I don't want to know.
- I tried, okay?
- Cut.
No, no!
It's closed.
What's wrong with you guys?
Since we always keep the house
so dark...
Sorry. Did I hit you in the nuts?
I can't feel anything.
You're all skin and bones!
When I gain some weight
I'll hump your brains out.
It's ready.
PORN OUI
Mine, mine!
And Ramira?
You'll have to choose between
Ramira or that great head of hair.
I'll take the hair.
See you later.
Cut!
You were recording?
Who locked the door?
What do you mean you won't jump?
We only get paid...
Want me to say it?
Robot. A robot.
A robot?
A drummer boy. A drummer boy.
No, Jesus.
Rabbit. A little rabbit.
Like this. Flying.
Jesus. Goodbye.
Crazy? I'm not crazy.
Dance, dance!
Dance, my son.
Oh, your hair has grown!
Sebastian!
Good to see you.