Special Unit (2017) Movie Script
1
Who are the mentally retarded?
About 800,000 with
disabilities are unemployed
even though they're
able to work.
In most communities,
ambulance crews will not
handle disturbed people.
Unemployment for
the disabled is discouraging.
And speaking of jobs,
most people if they
believe they are able
to perform any
useful work at all,
probably think of
them only in terms
of the most simple
manual operations.
It is estimated that one million
with a disability
can't find work.
They told her to get out.
Their ability to
learn will vary according
to the training, experience,
and personal dedication
of the teacher.
They claim the DOJ
is looking into whether
the school violated the
Federal Disabilities Act.
People with
physical handicaps get to be
even President of
the United States.
Uh, I don't know what I said!
Uh, I don't remember!
When a policeman
gets hurt handling
a mentally disturbed person,
it's mostly because he has tried
to handle the whole
deal by himself.
Everybody meets their maker
Everyone, they feel the fire
Everybody's on the taking
Everyone's a fucking liar
Everyone's another suspect
Everybody's on the run
Everybody fears the box and
Everyone respects the gun
Everyone respects the gun
Woo.
They grew these boys in a lab.
Steroids?
I don't know.
I'd have to feel
their nut sacks.
Yeah. What?
Yeah, Roids.
Turns your testiculars
into tiny packing peanuts.
Why do you know that?
There's no good answer.
You know, forget I asked.
Okay.
Gentlemen.
Nice outfit.
Now, do you prefer Darth or
the more formal Mr. Vader?
Yeah, outfit's so black,
you could have a civil
rights protest in your pants.
Jerome, it's fine.
Welcome to Los Angeles.
We're here to help you.
Yeah, and why
should I trust you?
Well, you shouldn't
'cause we're criminals,
but I want you to know, just
trust that you can trust us.
I never trust trusting people.
I'm not a truster.
Well, this guy could
write greeting cards.
Now that we're all nice and
snugly, are we gonna do this?
Yeah, he's right,
let's get to business.
Deal's off.
Because of a couple
of mild insults?
My god, we got to drug dealer
with a self-esteem problem.
If you want, we can pay in hugs.
The deal's off.
Come on, the truck
is right there waiting
to get turned into money!
Let's do this!
Whoa!
See, I don't see a truck.
I see cops.
The hell are you babbling about?
Todd Parker, LAPD.
Now, I didn't find
anything on you,
but that don't mean
you ain't a piggy too.
You do have trust issues.
Your step-mama
should've breastfed you.
Nobody move.
Mother...
You're a cop?
You're a cop?
What are you...
Now, that's eight shots.
That means I got just
enough to double tap you
and that pleather jacket.
What now?
You're a cop.
Oh, you're crazy.
Either way, that's
bad for business.
That's what now.
Torch it.
Oh no.
No!
No! No!
Fowler!
Fowler!
Wake up!
Fowler!
Fowler, wake up!
Fowler!
Captain.
Captain, arrest me right now.
What?
You got to arrest me right now.
They got cameras
all over this place.
You can make it look good.
Fowler, it's over.
They're gone.
I'm sorry, Captain.
Captain, rough me up.
You got to rough me up right...
Perfect, that's...
Next time, warn a guy
if you're gonna kick him
in the backup singers.
Sorry, Captain, I was trying
to not blow cover
like dumb ass here.
How is he?
How is he?
He's shot, you piece of shit!
I want him gone!
You're out, Fowler!
I already called my union rep...
Really, is that what you did?
Fowler!
Okay, fine.
Let's talk about the master
undercover officer
in front of us.
You suck so bad, they
had a folder on you.
They had your email.
They had your
prostate measurements,
which you should
probably check again
while your head is
still up your ass!
They had your address.
They had your phone number.
They had your ex-girlfriend's
sexual preference,
and you know what, it ain't you!
I saved your life tonight.
You're lucky that I shot
you in the leg and the vest,
instead of the head!
You wanna go?
I'll kill you right here,
you piece of shit!
Let's go, bring it!
Let me get up there!
Let's go!
Come on, any time!
I'll kill you,
you son of a bitch!
Any time, any time!
Let's do this!
I got you, Fowler!
Right here!
I'm gonna sock...
All you got, all you got!
Yeah, watch this!
Hey!
What the hell is wrong with you?
What?
Right.
Enough of this.
Outside!
I can't do this anymore.
Well, then find
me a decent partner.
Well, that's a
tall order, Fowler,
because you're a violent,
arrogant douche bag
that thinks about
nothing but himself.
I like puppies.
There's no one left.
If I put you in
parking enforcement,
you'd get shot by a meter maid.
That baby wasn't mine.
What?
She slept with anybody
who had a nice car.
You got a meter maid pregnant?
You didn't know that.
That cutie that works the
beach in Santa Monica?
Mikayla?
Monster Mikayla?
She's as big as me.
Just Mikayla, sir.
And she has a thyroid
thing, like you.
Aggravated by a cheesecake
thing, like you.
You really are a lowlife.
Sir, what about my car?
It's 35 grand.
Sir, am I on the precinct's
insurance or not?
I'm gonna need
something from you guys!
Go fuck yourself, Fowler!
I can't do it.
Say it's a demo.
It's not.
That's why you say it.
Because of that fight with
your wife was assault,
but in my report,
I said it wasn't.
Garrett, she
chased me with a bat.
And she fell down the
stairs and got hurt,
which, again, with my testimony,
would totally be
seen as assault.
She was drunk and on molly
she got from her new girlfriend.
Well, that means she's
part of the LGBT community,
which makes her a hero.
But it also means you
committed a hate crime.
Oh my god, I feel
a tear coming on.
Don't cry, Garrett.
Hold it back, Garrett.
Save it for... the jury.
Go on, honey,
shake your moneymaker
Baby I'm a sinner,
all I've done is wrong
Everybody clap your
hands, sing a simple song
Whiskey it spills
and we all get along
But Louis keep it real,
take a hit from the bong
Three times a lady,
easy like Sunday morning
On and on until
the break of dawn
Hot butter on, say
what, the popcorn
Yes, yes, y'all
and creditors calling
Dow Jones falling,
push your chips all in
Garrett.
Garrett, Garrett.
Well, how's it going, sexy?
It's Madam Mayor.
Madam Mayor Sexy.
Well, that's kinda
cocky, don't you think?
I heard you lost
another partner.
I didn't lose him.
I shot him.
Do you keep track of
all your ex-boyfriends?
Hm-mm, just your ex-boyfriends.
See, I have to keep
track of the worst cop
so I can take out the trash.
Tara, we were 10 years ago.
You got to let go of this anger
'cause it's making
your boobs droop.
Watch it.
We don't talk about
the mayor's boobs.
I bet you do.
It's fine.
It's fine.
I just had a meeting
with your captain.
He's gonna help me
keep my city clean.
Get rid of the scum.
Be good, lover.
I just smashed a Pinocchio!
Do you know how
hard it is to get
an actual authentic,
mini, ceramic, kiln fired
in the fucking
Netherlands Pinocchio?
Yes, sir, it's why
I started drinking.
You see, my therapist,
my therapist suggested
that I start to
collect figurines
to help me with my stress.
But it made me nuts.
You know what I do now?
I throw 'em!
Because I feel better when I see
their little heads crack open!
Well, we are all glad
you're in charge, sir.
Sit down!
You got IA sniffing
all over this place
because you shot your partner!
Repeatedly!
I should just shut you down!
You can't shut me down
'cause you can't make
something stick, sir.
Oh yes, I can!
And I don't give a donkey's sack
that the mayor is
your ex-girlfriend.
There you go.
As per the mayor,
that's your new job.
Fairness and Disabilities Act.
Handicapped cadets.
Handicapped police officers?!
Come on!
Are you kidding me?
We, the LAPD, are gonna
give wobblies guns?
It was a pilot program.
They passed all
their requirements,
but nobody got put on the force.
Three years later,
the ACLU sued.
So, here we are.
Hey, very high test scores.
Better than you.
Technically, they're cops.
No, they're not cops.
I'm a cop.
Know how I know that?
Because I don't have to empty
my bag every three hours.
I'm not doing this.
I will not wipe drool
and spend three hours
a day explaining ceiling fan.
You are gonna do this!
Or I am gonna put
you in a parking lot,
chasing skateboarders
from a fucking golf cart!
So I'm boned.
Like a skeleton
getting a lap dance.
Ah, ha!
Don't you dare!
Only I get to do that.
Put it down.
Praise your God,
Lord have mercy
My mother warned me,
my father cursed me
Grand design, time
to meet your maker
It's okay. I hit some ice.
Do me a favor, park
it some place nice.
Praise your God,
Lord have mercy
My mother warned me,
my father cursed me
Grand design, time
to meet your maker
Go on, honey,
shake your moneymaker
Baby, don't be lazy,
come get your paper
Go on, honey,
shake your moneymaker
Walk a little road, see
where it gonna take ya
Go on, honey,
shake your moneymaker
Fowler!
You look like fried ass.
Yeah, because of this,
I was up all night
flirting with suicide.
Flirting?
You got to follow through.
All right, come on,
you ready for this?
You know what, sir,
yeah, I'm ready for this.
Sure. You know why?
'Cause I was born ready!
Holy shit.
Make good choices.
Morning!
My name is Detective Fowler.
This is a police station.
Today, we're gonna find out
why you guys want to
be police detectives.
Now, if you need to
go to the bathroom...
Don't, don't, don't worry.
We're all wuh, wuh, wuh,
wearing da, diapers.
We can interview while
we puh, puh, pee.
Is that Pu-, puke on your shirt?
Huh.
I thought that
smell was you guys.
Let's get started.
Okay, uh, well, you're up.
Let's go, Evel Knievel.
Yeah!
Perfect.
Why do you wanna be a detective?
The word midget...
I wanna take down bad guys!
Pow, pow, pow!
I'm offended!
I outscored everyone
in the program!
That's impressive.
Fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh,
fucking damn right
it's impressive.
What kind of mouthwash is that?
Mexican.
I'm just a pawn
in the 9/11 coverup.
Well, I love your enthusiasm.
When the shit goes down...
I can mount a shotgun
to my wheelchair.
And fire it by blowing into my...
Tube.
No one scored hoy,
ha, higher in cruh,
cruh, cruh, cruh,
cruh, cruh, cruh,
cruh, cruh, criminology!
Now I'm auditioning for
the defective detectives!
Bureaucratic butt rangers!
One more question.
Yes, my penis still works.
Okay, two more questions.
Blow 'em up!
Shoot them in the face.
Can you do a wheelie?
Yeah.
Don't touch me.
I don't like to be touched.
It makes me weird.
Define weird.
Do you want me to crawl
into your bed at night
and make you itch?
Beep, bay beep, beep, beep,
bay beep, bay beep, beep, bee...
Pow! Pow!
Pow!
No!
This is bullshit!
I know everything
in the whole world.
Thank you for clearing that up.
Hi!
How did my Alvin do?
Oh, he was great.
He didn't vomit or masturbate.
You should be
really, really proud.
Thank you for
giving them a chance.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
I love the wobblies, honey.
I'm fulfilled.
Fowler!
Ah!
We got four yet?
Three.
And if that is the cream
of God's genetic misfires,
then God is a vengeful prick.
Really Old Testament.
Cap.
About Krasnov and Gutierrez,
well, we found their car
and the underside was covered
with this red grainy mud.
But no sign of them.
Well, what'd the lab say?
Dirt has a really high
percentage of magnesium and lye.
Barstow and Richmond.
What?
Barstow and Richmond,
the soil is high in
lye and magnesium.
And dirt.
Alvin knows everything.
Yeah, he kept telling me
that over and over and over.
He's read reference
books his whole life
and has a photographic memory,
so if he sees it,
he can't forget it.
Huh.
Aw.
Fine.
We got four.
Shoot him!
He also read every martial
arts book he could find.
He touched me Mama...
Now, I'm going to poop on him.
Sorry about that.
His father also got him a
subscription to Hustler magazine.
He read every one.
Probably a mistake.
Shoot him.
Honey, look.
Okay, we got four.
Four?
He almost killed me!
I said we got four!
Okay, Barstow and Richmond,
you two check it out.
You, come in tomorrow sober
enough to fight Rain Man.
You think he could count cards?
Ah, you're a scumbag.
Alvin!
Hello?
Hey, Madam Mayor Sexy.
What do you want, Fowler?
What I have always wanted.
You.
That is so sweet.
You're still in charge with
the special little soldiers.
Oh, come on, retards?
Tara, you gave me retards!
They like the term
disabled, so use it.
And, Fowler, make this work.
Get me good press.
Or you'll end up painting
houses in Sylmar.
I hate you.
Well, then this worked
like it was supposed to.
Goodnight.
Tara, wait, no.
Listen, you can't do this to me!
Tara, I got to tell
you, look, look...
Hello?
Tara!
God!
You have too many
blue ones anyway.
My mother warned me,
my father cursed me
Grand design, time
to meet your maker
Come on, honey...
Well, only 43 minutes late.
Is it Black Friday
at the liquor store?
Good morning, and no, I
am on a natural high and...
Vicodin.
Score!
Good to see you, sir.
And Vicodin caused Vietnam.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Listen, um, just so you know,
you're the first retarded
squad in existence.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
Fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh,
fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh-
Fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh-
Fuh, fuh, fuh, fuck you!
We're not ruh, ruh,
ruh, ruh, retarded!
That's telling him!
Finally!
Hey, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh...
I got it!
Don't drop a nut.
I don't like fighting.
Hey, sir, I think
some leadership
and teamwork is in order.
We all know this is just
an academic experiment
to control and/or euthanize us.
When do we get our
psychoactive medication?
What?
I had it in basic.
Kinda minty.
Uh, guys, this is
gonna be really weird.
For me.
I mean, you guys have
never been normal,
but I've never led
retards before...
God, god, god, god, goddammit!
You are so out of line!
Yeah!
And retard's not gonna cut it.
I am a little person with a gun!
She's right!
And I was normal.
What the hell does
that mean, gimpy?
There are 127 words to describe
people with disabilities.
Eight.
Nine.
Ten...
All right.
Okay, apologies.
Today, we learn how
to be detectives!
Hell yeah!
Finally!
Excellent, sir.
All right, we're gonna start
with the basics of police work.
You know, tracking
cases, organization,
mopping, dusting, picking
up my dry cleaning.
What?
What?
What?
What, what, what, what,
what, what, what,
what, what, what?
This is bull, bullshit.
We're not ja, janitors.
Yeah, and dry cleaning
is a Ponzi scheme.
You are the worst
douche bag I've ever met.
Douche bag?
The hell is your problem?
My problem is, I
live at ass level!
Oh my god, I knew
this was gonna happen.
I'm living in a
retard freak show!
Knock it off!
Okay. Okay.
You know what,
you're not retards.
As a matter of fact, you're
a spaz, a midget, a cripple.
He's a retard.
Does that bother you?
Because it's what
everybody thinks.
No matter what lame PC word we
use, retard is what we think.
If you think handicapable
makes a difference,
then you're extra
special retarded.
Now, you guys signed up to
be undercover detectives,
so either step up and do the job
or step aside, go out there,
and be differently abled.
Because after a
year on the force,
dealing with scumbags,
crack addicts,
murderers, and
family law attorneys,
retard is gonna feel like
a warm hug from mama.
I might be a re, re, retard,
but you, sir, are
an a, a, a, asshole.
And I have to live
with that every day.
I don't get to say that
I have a nice deficiency.
You know, I don't get to say
that I'm etiquette-challenged.
I am an asshole.
And nobody's building
me a goddamn ramp.
Look, clean my office.
Go through the evidence files.
You see something I missed,
a case you guys wanna
go after, we'll do it.
You want to be cops?
Show me.
Why would an
asshole need a ramp?
Is she busy?
No, she's not.
Good.
But she did tell me to say
that if you showed
up, that I should call
our tactical SWAT team and
one of them that has a sniper
that can hit you with a
bullet from the rooftop.
So then we have
a couple minutes?
No, wait.
Detective Fowler!
Seriously, Tara?
Mongoloids?
My mother's second
husband was from Mongolia.
Exactly, retards.
I'm sorry, Mayor.
It's okay.
Detective Fowler has
never had good manners.
I am not the guy for this.
Well, you're right,
but you are doing it.
I couldn't spare
anyone with a soul.
Listen, I have an
election coming up,
so if this doesn't work
and one of them gets
hurt, it's your fault.
And the mayor will have to do
her job and crucify a bad cop,
so it's like a win-win.
No, for it to be a
win-win, I also have to win.
No, I win twice!
Do anything else to get
even with me, not this.
This is so uncomfortable for me.
Yeah, well, I
think I'm gonna puke.
My feelings for you, Fowler,
have been dead and
buried for some time.
I can fix that.
Let's have sex one more time.
Oh my god!
I replaced you with batteries.
Ouch!
Go away.
Sorry.
We were in love once.
Isn't that something?
Yeah, until you were inside
someone covered with glitter!
We are done, you get that?
I was the best thing that
ever happened to you.
Let's don't get crazy.
The best thing that
ever happened to you!
Okay. Get crazy.
And you will never
get this again.
So, now, go and train
those little heroes.
They've never done
anything heroic!
They're heroes!
And you get me reelected.
Or I will make an
example out of a
very,
very
bad cop.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
I want you to know something.
The man I have become
is 100% due to the fact
that you were a
glacier in the bedroom.
Your icy vagina ruined me.
I had to name my penis Titanic.
Wow, look at that.
I insulted you and
complimented myself.
Oh!
That was a win-win.
Uh, Mayor, you have a photo
op with the little cuties
from Boy Scout,
troop 19 at 1:00 p.m.
I'll push it to 1:30.
Retards are gonna be cops.
Great.
Goddammit.
Handicapable, my ass.
Cops got to be perfect, you know?
What's the matter, Fowler?
You having trouble keeping
up with the Avengers?
Yeah, Fowler, how
are the retards?
Huh?
You getting a lot of practice
wiping other people's butts?
They like cheese puffs, right?
Mongos love cheese puffs!
Garrett's here.
Wow.
I was expecting
an insurance fire.
Wow!
Guys, I got to tell you,
I just got something.
So did we.
You said step up.
We found a case.
Definitely guilty.
This guy's a real ass clown.
What is it?
Guys, these are my phone bills.
And what?
My car registration
for LA Dream Cars?
You got a hell of a
deal on that Charger, sir.
A new Hemi R/T is
worth what, 40 grand?
And you puh, puh, paid nothing.
And the salesman, Mike,
was up on a rape charge
that got suddenly dropped.
It was assault.
It was a lease.
Oops.
We tracked some of
the phone numbers.
The highlighted ones,
you got some pretty
shady buddies, buddy.
Are those drug
dealers your friends?
Uh, they are my CIs.
According to the
department, sir,
they're not on your
informant list.
You're supposed
to pay informants.
Why are your
informants paying you?
And your bank
account has some wuh,
we, wuh, weird deposits.
Who's Lou?
I wanna know who Julio is.
How the hell did
you get into my bank?
Oh, it wasn't hard.
Password, 2QUILA.
All caps.
How'd you get that?
Logic, due diligence,
and you wrote it
on a Post-it note
stuck to your computer.
What kind of dumb
ass leaves records
for his criminal
activity in his office?
Just got the car.
I just kinda threw
it in, you know?
I didn't really even, oh, you
guys really did organize this.
Chronologically and by how
much jail time you'll do.
Well...
Great job, guys.
You are cadets in training
and I put something out for
you to find, and you found it.
What do you think you got here?
A Dir, dirty cop?
You re, retard.
Those phone records connect
you to four convicted felons.
The free car is
two tons of proof.
Ah, they love cops in county.
An average human colon can
smuggle three cellphones.
Uh, guys, this
is just some phone bills
and handwritten notes.
It's not even evidence.
Alvin.
State of California
versus Terrence Phelps.
Convicted and sentenced to 15
years based on phone records.
State of California
versus Peter Mancuso.
Convicted and sentenced
to 15 years based on
handwritten notes.
State of California
versus Michael Serapili...
All right.
What do you want?
What we were promised.
We wanna be cops.
Yeah, and if you got in, it
should be a cake walk for us.
But we wanna be real police
officers, no bullshit.
Or you could smuggle cellphones
in your ass for cigarettes.
Three of them, beep boop beep.
No.
No.
You guys can't be cops.
You don't have the motor skills.
You don't have the ability.
Wrong, we are cops.
We passed every test.
This is discrimination and
you are the Ku Klux Klan!
Not a chance.
Great.
Guys, let's go.
If we can't be cops,
neither can you.
Uh, Captain Wynn's
office is 113, right?
Guys, wait, wait. No, don't.
All right, all right, stop.
God fucking...
Seriously?
Unbelievable!
What a damn day!
Fine!
You want me to teach
you to be cops?
Fine, but I'm gonna show
you how little you know!
And the only reason
you guys are here
'cause you're a bunch of
wobbly, gimpy spaz balls.
And now I got to go find
a short bus with a siren!
Unbelievable!
God!
Fuck!
Perfect!
I like his new attitude!
This is the
department's firing range.
Today, we're gonna
train like real cops.
I am videotaping you all
with a high-speed camera
to show you how bad you suck
because I don't want
you to be real cops.
Instead, I'd like you
guys to be working
at a large box store,
greeting people,
or making stuffed animals
in small windowless rooms.
Is the box store shaped like
a box or does it sell boxes?
Bu bu bu Bullshit!
I've killed more
people than you!
You are awful!
Shut up!
Now this
is a bullet.
On its own, it's inert,
docile, and unlikely to kill,
but it needs its best friend,
the semiautomatic pistol.
Now, a bullet
doesn't kill unless
a semiautomatic pistol
makes it go very, very fast.
But once you are holding a
loaded weapon in your hand,
things change dramatically.
Now, the gun becomes the
bullet and you become the gun.
Got it?
Sorry, am I the
gun or the bullet?
You're the bullet!
No, the gun is the bullet.
He's the gun.
I thought the gun was the gun.
Oh, this is stupid!
I get it.
Can I get, get a nuh,
nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh,
nuh, nuh, nuh,
nuh, nuh, knife?
Let's just shoot.
Mac.
Five out of six, not bad.
You missed one.
Here's how to remember it:
Take your time and shoot
the guy in the spine.
Sophie, you're up.
Well, didn't hit one.
Just shows no matter
how tough you are,
she still can't
hit the broad side
of a barn with another barn.
There you go.
At the end of the day, you've
got to learn what you're doing.
And if you don't know
what you're doing,
then you just got to stop talk...
That's a pass.
Alvin, pick your poison.
Well, you only hit one,
but it was a killer.
I hit all six.
I only see one hole.
Went through the same hole.
Alvin, everybody
misses sometimes.
I didn't miss!
Listen, this Mongo
temper tantrum thing is
not gonna work with me.
You really think you put
them all through one hole?
Fine.
Let's go to the high-speed video
and show you how
bad you really suck.
I always win at the carnival.
Morgan, you're up.
Okay, I got you
framed up, buddy.
Uh, can you control the,
okay, aim at the tar-, okay.
Uh, you know what, Morgan,
you don't have to do this.
You don't have to do this.
I got this.
You shot me in the ear!
You idiot!
Ow!
My ear is right next to
my head, you dumb ass!
Ow!
I asked for a nuh, nuh, knife!
Online crime is a huge problem,
and the LAPD is proud to be in
the frontline of cyber wars,
international espionage,
and drug trafficking.
But our bread and butter,
where LA leads the
world, is in pedophiles.
Is in catching pedophiles.
Now, this isn't easy, kids.
Takes a long time,
sometimes days, weeks,
even months just to get...
Done.
What the hell is this?
NORAD.
Do you want me to get
some launch codes?
Long shot, but it'll
take me a bit of time.
Turn it off!
It's okay, they can't see us.
I've routed through 14
different international servers.
They'll think we're North Korea.
Warning, tracking
software detected.
That's bad.
Go, everybody
out, everybody out!
Go, go, go, go, go!
God!
All right, I wanna
welcome you guys
to the Van Nuys PD
investigative training room.
Look around, observe, tell
me what you see, kids.
Alvin, what do you got?
It was bad.
Very bad.
Okay.
Mac, what do you got?
Love triangle, lying, cheating.
Oh yeah, I've lived this.
The woman shot first, of course!
She winged this guy who loved
her more than life itself!
But he was just half a man.
And then when her other lover
tried to run because he can,
she killed him.
So no witnesses, but we
know what you did, Marie!
Sick bitch shredded me!
Well, that was
frightening and complicated.
And totally inaccurate.
Morgan, what do you got?
Druh, drug deal
gone Ba, Ba, bad.
That guy still has
crack in his hands.
Everyone started
shooting at once
and the last one alive wanted
to make ID
impa, pa, possible.
Money, drugs left on the scene,
we're looking for a
juh, juh, juh, junkie.
That's exactly what
I had them set up.
Oh my.
You have a knack.
But you know what, you
really shouldn't talk.
All right.
Sophie, what do you got?
These guys are drug dealers
and junkies, right, Morgan?
I'd buh, buh, bet on it!
I know what he knows.
I wanna know what you know.
I think it's a suicide.
What?
Crack head, junkie, murder,
circle jerks, ain't
worth my time.
I've got citizens to protect.
Tag 'em, bag 'em, chuck
'em in a landfill.
Gentlemen, take note.
That's a cop.
Welcome to the Van Nuys
Police Training Center.
Today, I'll be your
instructor, Sensei Nick Kahana.
I'm gonna be teaching you
how to defend yourself
on the streets of Los Angeles,
which is not an easy feat.
You!
Get up.
Come on!
Garrett Fowler.
Heard about your new job, bro.
Rough.
Everybody, this is Nick Kahana.
Tell them the rest.
Van Nuys PD hand-to-hand combat
and martial arts
expert, Nick Kahana.
Nick Kahana has
worked very hard,
so Nick Kahana deserves respect.
So which one of the
slow class, short bus,
tending the rabbits dummies
does Nick Kahana have
to take out first?
Uh, uh, uh, uh, I'm good.
Nick Kahana will take
out the biggest guy here.
I already kicked
Garrett Fowler's ass.
Choked him out like
I was his daddy.
Remember that, Garrett Fowler?
Yeah, Nick, I remember.
It took me a couple weeks
to remember, but I remember.
Hey, Alvin, do you want
some more training?
I already know everything
in the whole world.
Well, Nick Kahana is gonna
teach you something new.
Okay.
I like that last move.
Why isn't he doing anything?
Gotta touch him.
Uh.
Hey, Nick, maybe you shouldn't.
Just touch him?
Yeah.
Come on, retard.
Ooh!
Night, night, Nick Kahana.
Now, I'm going to poop on him.
Alvin!
Congratulations.
Hey, Garrett, as much as
I don't trust you or the NRA
or coconut water,
I realize that
you've helped us all.
Here, this is from everyone.
And I disarmed the C4 under
your Charger, so no worries.
That's mildly unnerving.
Holy crap.
It's a watch.
Thanks.
Good news is tomorrow,
you guys get your
first real assignments.
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
I got to question though:
The hell do I call you guys?
I like Spartacus.
No, I just mean there's
so many different words.
Disabled, differently abled.
If it's not my name,
you might as well call me gimp.
Exactly.
So you're cool with gimp?
Well, you know what
my favorite is?
Wobblies, that one has
the nice, light tone.
It's kind of Muppety feel to it.
Wobblies.
I'll work on it when
I'm in the head.
I got to go, go too.
Hey, hey, make it look
like you're pissing,
not jerking off.
Garrett, what do I do, do?
Hold your dick still,
buy a hose clamp.
I don't know.
No, about Sophie.
Uh, I wouldn't touch her dick.
She's giving me the vibe
and would I get in trouble for,
for fooling around with her?
No, dude, if you're
getting a vibe, what do I...
Care.
You know, go for it.
And stop tap, tapping my foot.
Hilarious.
Wash your hands!
I had a great time
with you tonight.
Hey, you didn't stutter.
Yeah, if I were an alcoholic,
I could be pruh,
pruh, president.
Mm.
You know, Garrett,
he treats us like...
Like real people.
No kid gloves.
Like, he's kind of a dick.
Sophie, we are who we are.
We screw up bad once,
we go back to being the joke.
I don't wanna be the joke.
I don't wanna be the retard.
And what I'm scared most of is
not being seen at all.
I see you, Morgan.
Your mind is so sexy, Morgan.
And the rest of me?
That's pretty sexy too.
Come here, big boy.
Yeah!
Oh my gosh, are you okay?
I'm good.
That's why I walk this way.
Captain, you all right?
You scared us, sir.
We're ruh, ready
to be cuh, cuh, cops.
Fowler, you got to stop!
You got to stop!
Okay, okay.
You wanna be real cops?
All right, well,
as per the mayor,
here is your new assignment.
Oh, I hate when he
says, "As per the mayor."
This is bullshit!
Get her out of my office.
Uh-oh.
Shut up!
Guys, sometimes you have
to do what you have to do.
Look, pigeon!
Shut up, Alvin!
We are not going in
there without protection.
This is not our
required equipment though.
The Mayor said we are the
face of the force.
Alvin, he's giving us guns.
Damn straight.
Listen, we are
about to enter one
of the most dangerous
places in America.
Anything can happen here
and to go in unarmed
would be suicide.
You guys got your game faces on?
Heck ya.
Yes!
Let's do this.
Do you know how bad
school was for me?
And me.
School is where most
lifetime psychosis is created.
Yeah, man, that's
why I became a cop,
to get even with
these douche bags.
I remember thinking, oh,
you pricks, if I had a gun.
I got better.
Went to the 10 year reunion,
everybody was all methy and
had these Walmart bodies.
I win.
Yeah, I loved school.
I was on track team,
volleyball, homecoming king,
debate team, gymnastics,
science club.
Oh, plus, I double teamed my
French and English teachers.
School was awesome!
Hey.
Little help here!
Call your English teacher.
Oh, aren't they just adorable!
They're police officers, ma'am.
Oh, come on, not really.
What do you want us to do?
Can the midget dance?
No, the midget can't dance.
But it can punch you in the box!
Oh my.
Sorry, she's a
little bit grumpy.
She was up late last
night making shoes.
Yeah, and my Cabbage Patch
underwear keeps riding up.
Okay.
I'll just introduce you.
Garrett, this is
bull, bull, bull...
I know!
Look, guys, just be
good cops, all right?
We'll go out there,
inspire the kids,
tell them to say no to
drugs and pedophiles,
and then we'll get drunk
and find a strip club, okay?
Yeah.
All right.
Kids, I know you're
eagerly anticipating,
so without further waiting,
I'd like to introduce some
of Los Angeles's finest
special officers.
Hey kids!
Uh, my name's Detective Fowler.
I'd like to introduce
you to the Special Unit
of the Los Angles
Police Department.
We are a team.
Let's hear it for Mac.
All right, yeah...
Follow that, Stretch.
All right, now,
let's meet our Special
Officer Sophie!
Watch this, little bitches.
Ta-da!
So now, let's
welcome Officer Morgan.
Alvin, give me your gun.
Okay.
No, no, no, no, give me the gun.
I got this.
Hi Kids.
Guns aren't cool.
They're awesome!
But you have to know
what you're doing.
Susie!
Michael!
We're going to Disney Land!
And your mother's
not coming with us!
Alvin.
Hello.
I know everything
in the whole world.
Oh yeah?
How about 5,842 times 280?
1,635,760.
We are trained professionals.
So, kids, don't do this at home.
Do it in the field.
Away from your parents.
Would you like to
see Alvin shoot
an apple off our boss's head?
Bite me, you big,
gimpy spaz ball..
He never misses.
So, uh, you're not gonna
shoot a gun in here, right?
Shoot it, shoot it...
Uh.
Uh, the bullets are
actually school-approved.
Shoot it, shoot it...
Use my gun.
I trust it.
Shoot it, shoot it, shoot it,
shoot it, shoot it, shoot
it, shoot it, shoot it,
shoot it, shoot it, shoot
it, shoot it, shoot it,
shoot it, shoot it, shoot
it, shoot it, shoot it,
shoot it, shoot it, shoot...
Guys, give it up
for the Special Unit!
She loves the men's
choir at the church,
especially the baritones!
Kids, we're going some
place, to Disney Land!
Someone's shooting!
I've got this.
Kids, lockdown drill!
Now!
Well, thank God we're not
destroying their innocence.
Morgan, call it in.
This is Officer Morgan.
We, we have a, a, a, a, have
a shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo...
Give me that!
It's Officer Garrett Fowler.
We have a 246 at the Anne
Frank Elementary School.
Send SWAT, send a helicopter,
everything you got.
Learn to speak English.
See Mickey and Minnie,
and we'll say hello to Goofy.
And she doesn't love me anymore.
That's what she said.
Susie!
Michael!
Dad?
That's your dad?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Mac, take care of them.
Mike, Susie, get over here.
It's Michael, not Mike.
Get over here now!
Mom and dad are
getting divorced.
It's okay, don't worry.
We got this.
Kids, get on stage now!
Get on stage now!
Go, go!
He's coming down the hallway.
Come on, come on,
come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
Close the curtains now!
My finger!
Now they won't let me...
As for you, scumbag...
No!
Ow, my finger!
It's okay.
It's okay.
You know, my parents
were together 40 years?
But this is good too.
All right, Mac,
get them outta here.
Let's go, guys.
What about the other keh, kids?
This could scar them forever.
I got it.
And that, kids, is
why you should always,
always, question everything.
The world is a place
that will look you
in the face and lie to you.
It'll tell you, "Everything is
safe," when nothing ever is.
So pay attention.
Trust no one.
And maybe, just maybe,
you won't get shivved
in a gas station bathroom
before you're 30.
Got it?
Oh, no way.
Take that.
Hello, Captain.
Live ammo?
In a school?
Sir, they stopped the shooter.
You are fired!
You're fired!
Captain, nobody even got hurt.
Would you be happy if
somebody got killed?
Fowler, you're a disease.
You're like human Ebola!
You know, when you're around,
people's eyes bleed and
their bowels liquefy!
You know what? You know what?
I'm happy because I
knew you would fail.
In my office,
tomorrow, 8:00 a.m.!
You're over!
Captain, wait!
God!
Ugh.
Could somebody please
get me an evidence bag?
What?!
Gun!
Alvin, wait.
Now, I'm going to poop on him.
Alvin!
Alvin!
Ah, ah, Alvin!
That is some good coffee, Alvin.
That is some gourmet shit.
I don't need you to tell me
how F-ing good my
coffee is, okay?
I know how good it is.
I'm the one who buys it.
Bonnie goes shopping,
she buys poop.
I buy the gourmet
expensive stuff
'cause when I drink
it, I wanna taste it.
But you know what's
on my mind right now?
It ain't the coffee
in my kitchen.
It's the dead
negro in my garage.
What the hell?
Alvin...
He's doing Pulp Fiction.
What?
Pulp Fiction, the kitchen
scene from Pulp Fiction.
Alvin, do you
remember everything?
Pulp Fiction, directed
by Quentin Tarantino,
shot in 1993, released in 1994.
Alvin's seen the movie once.
Watch.
Which wallet's yours?
It's the one that
says Bad Mother F-er.
That's amazing, Alvin.
That's my favorite movie.
Classic!
Open it up.
What?
Take it out, count it.
How much is in there?
Oh my god, he's still doing it.
Hey.
Alvin.
Here.
We're ruh, ready
to be real cops.
Yeah, no lying this time.
We want a real case, not
some publicity stunt.
Hey, hey, you're
doing so well right now.
Why won't we just keep
everything as it is?
I, I knew it.
Cool cop sold us out.
Cool.
Have you met me?
I can't sleep
unless I'm hammered.
I steal, I cheat, I lie,
I do what I have to do,
which is what you
guys should do.
You always take protection
money from drug dealers.
Once a conman, always a conman.
You know what?
I took a job with
the melon heads.
One of them can't
reach a high shelf.
Another one can't say a word
with the letter B in it.
Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh,
buh, buh, buh, buh, buh...
Stop.
Don't hurt yourself.
Another one can't
chase a bank robber
unless he's got ramp access.
And this one is just a violent,
fetish-having Wikipedia page.
You can't teach the
disabled to be cops.
Just wear your badges,
smile for the kids,
cash your checks, and shut up.
So it was a lie.
We were never gonna be cops?
Wow, you suck, sir.
I thought you were a
good guy, geh, Garrett.
You're a class A loser.
Garrett lies.
Hitler lied.
Okay.
I will talk to
the captain again.
And he'll say no again.
Get out of my home, melon heads.
Oh yeah, real cops,
badges and everything.
They're trained.
They'd be amazing undercover.
Nobody would ever suspect them!
Look at what they
did at that school!
I did tell you you
were fired, right?
You took unqualified rookie
cadets to a school shooting!
The school shooting came to us!
You fired live
rounds into a school!
That is Olympic level of stupid!
You are done, over,
and I am glad.
Give me your gun.
Oh.
Er, hi, sorry to bug you guys.
Margie, get out!
Okay, but Detective
Fowler needs to be
at a press conference
in five minutes!
It's the mayor's orders.
Okay, let's move our heinies!
I got to go see the mayor.
I want them in front
of the camera talking
about how great
this department is.
Hell no.
They're about to be
undercover detectives.
We can't put their
pictures on television.
That would be, that
would be retarded.
He's got a point, Mayor.
We can't do it.
If you were mayor, you'd do it.
You're right. I'd do it.
We can't do it!
I want those little spazzies
in the pressroom in five
or I will set you both on fire!
Give me 20.
Good afternoon, everyone.
Thank you for being here.
Um.
I am pleased to announce
that the definition
of police officer
has changed today.
These officers are in disguise
to hide their identities.
Now, police work has
gone to the next level.
It's Detective 2.0.
Now these officers, they
may be considered disabled,
but that word has
a broad definition.
Uh, being emotionally vacant,
lacking in morals,
lying, could all be
considered disabilities,
but these officers right here
stopped a school shooting.
They are capable of
anything a normal,
morally bankrupt, alcoholicky,
impotent officer is.
This is Michael Pace.
He's responsible for
the school shooting.
He is a father going
through a bitter divorce.
Now, breakups, as we
all know, can be hard
and sometimes make you
psychotic and stupid,
but he is undergoing
psychiatric evaluation,
which I think is a great idea
when you have
darkness in your soul.
So we are here to congratulate
and thank these
very brave officers.
And I am pleased to introduce
their training officer.
Give him a hand.
Hello.
Sorry for the disguises,
but we're trying to protect
the identities of our officers.
I'd like to take
the first question.
A lot of people are saying that
this is just a publicity tool.
Really?
You think it's a publicity tool?
Why don't you ask an officer,
who is actually in a wheelchair,
if it's a publicity tool?
Uh, do you mean a publicity tool
like the moon landing or gluten?
Then no.
Thank you very much.
Next question.
Who's the toughest one?
I mean, the most capable.
I mean, you know, the
least disabledlessness.
That, tha, tha,
tha, that would be me.
It was my idea
to go, go, go, go, go,
go, go,
go after the ta, ta, target
and my tea, tea, team
fuh, fuh, fuh, followed.
Uh, buh, buh, buh,
buh, buh, buh, bullshit.
This idiot would be
dead if I weren't there.
Huh, huh, huh,
huh, huh, huh, hey!
Knock it off!
Any other questions?
Obviously, there's
no team feeling yet,
but what does it feel like to be
the first disabled police squad?
How does it feel
to be a reporter
after the internet
killed your job?
Shut up!
No, you shut up!
Just shut it!
Just knock it off!
You guys got to stop!
Knock it off, you guys!
Yeah, the mayor's
right here, you idiots!
Hello!
Hello, hello.
Hello.
I'm Batman.
Oh shit.
First of all,
our nation cannot tolerate
discrimination of any kind.
That's why the Americans
with Disabilities Act is
so important and must
be honored everywhere.
It is a civil rights law
that's tearing down barriers.
Its purpose is to give
the disabled access
not only to buildings but to
every opportunity in society.
I strongly believe our nation
must give its full support
to the caregivers who
are helping people
with disabilities live
independent lives.
When we put our
minds to a problem,
we can usually find solutions.
But America has a tradition
many nations probably envy.
We frequently achieve
the impossible.
That's what got us from
one coast to another.
That's what got us the
largest economy in the world.
That's what got us to the moon.
President Roosevelt showed us
that a man who could barely
lift himself out of a wheelchair
could still lift a
nation out of despair.
And I believe it too, and
so does this administration.
The most important
principle FDR taught us:
America does not let its needy
citizens fend for themselves.
America is stronger when all
of us take care of all of us.
Giving new life to that ideal is
the challenge before us tonight.
I'm here to protect you.
Thank you very much.
I'm Batman.
That was the most touching thing
I've ever heard in my life.
Is there anymore questions?
Alvin.
What the hell was that?
That was incredible.
Brilliant.
Christopher Reeve's, Democratic
National Convention, 1996.
Superman couldn't walk.
That's brilliant!
You're touching me.
Uh, oh, oh!
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!
It's okay.
I won't poop on you.
Alvin, you got to promise me
you're not gonna read
Hustler magazine anymore.
Okay.
Alvin.
Great job.
Puh, puh, puh, puh, perfect!
Pretty impressive, dumb ass.
They just might keep
us around after all.
So, do we get to be cops now?
Fowler, in my office now.
I think that's a no.
This is bullshit!
Hey, Mayor!
Whatever you have to say, you
can say it to my partners.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Well, you little school
shooting stopping heroes,
you're going to go to every
school in my district.
You're gonna make that change
in every one of those
sweet little kids.
So more of the same do
nothing fake cop crap?
Garrett!
Yeah.
They stopped a mass shooting
and you wanna make them
clowns at kids' parties?
I can't risk them getting hurt.
That would be a public
relation nightmare for me.
For you?
Unless, Detective, you
would like to be fired
for bringing live weapons
into a gun-free zone.
What a buh, buh, buh, buh,
buh, buh, buh, buh, buh...
Stop.
Just finish it.
Bitch.
We earned our badges.
Yes, you did, and you
will wear them proudly.
In the schools.
She's right, guys.
We should just
proudly go back inside
and talk to all the reporters
and let them know how full
of shit our mayor really is.
Oh, watch it!
No, you watch it.
These guys did what only 3%
of the population could do.
They stopped a mass shooting.
They're cops.
They are my partners.
And I will walk
back in that room
and I will talk to any
reporter who'll listen
and tell them what the real
deal is with our mayor.
Or you can just give
them a real assignment.
Or we take to the press a story
about a condescending,
lying, deal-breaking mayor.
Who screwed over a bunch
of little disabled heroes.
Batman isn't needed here.
I love these guys.
Buh, buh, buh...
All right, fine!
Fine, you are real cops,
but you will dance
for your badges.
Oh, one more thing, you have
to take Garrett to dinner.
What?
No!
It's not negotiable.
Fine.
Okay, Chick-fil-Loser, Tuesday.
And don't expect anything.
You either.
Really, guys?
You're listening
to KWRD The Word,
and coming up at
the top of the hour,
we have DJ Sully Stone who is
gonna be interviewing some
of Los Angeles's most
special Police Officers!
What we're gonna
do is we're just
kinda ease into this today.
I'm gonna talk to you all
about what it's like to be
an undercover cop in the
face of a disability.
Is that all right?
Sure.
Good. All right.
So let's go ahead and
put on our headsets.
All right, everyone good?
All right, let's get to it then.
Gonna count it down
in three, two...
All right!
You're tuned in to KWRD
The Word, all talk radio!
Sully in the house
with you here!
And Hoo-hoo!
Joining me in the studio today,
I have got an amazing group
of undercover police officers
and I have never seen
anything like this.
Mm, mm-mm!
Now they're cops, but I
feel like I just stepped
into a Final Fantasy video game!
I got my elf, my gargoyle,
my wizard on the
wheels, and a mutant!
Thank you.
What is it like to
be a police officer
and to serve the public?
Uh, it's great.
We get to do something no
one's ever done before.
And being the first disabled...
Yeah, that's what
I wanna talk about!
Do you prefer midget,
elf, or dwarf?
Actually...
I'm gonna hold that!
You're listening to KWRD
and we got the mutant cops!
This is Sully!
Oh my gosh, that
was great, guys.
Super opening.
Thank you.
My god, you look so gorgeous.
Relax, this is a
meal, not a future.
I'm sorry what I did to us.
I should never have done it.
I screwed up our relationship
and you were everything to me.
You were my princess,
you were my queen,
you were my Beyonce.
Garrett!
Again, this is
dinner, not foreplay.
I just wanted to
show my appreciation
for everything that you
did with the special ones.
You don't know
their names, do you?
Yes, I know their names.
Really?
Yes.
Okay, so you have Mac.
Mac.
Uh-huh, and then there's Morgan.
Morgan.
Uh-huh, and there's Sophie.
Sophie-ah.
Ah, and then there's Al...
Albert.
Alvin.
I never thought I'd be
sitting across from you again
unless it was at my execution.
And I didn't think I
would say this either,
but I wanna thank you for
giving me this assignment,
job, whatever you
wanna call it 'cause,
have to be honest, those
guys, they're pretty amazing.
So you're telling me the word
retard is offensive to you?
Only if used as an insult, like,
"I think the way you talk
on the radio is retarded,"
the way you think of
disabled people is retarded,
so hence, you would be a retard.
You are not sounding
like this city's tiny,
little disabled heroes, hmm?
Nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh...
Let me get this straight,
you guys think retard is
the same as the N-word?
Actually, if you've
read your history,
you would know that the US has
never enslaved disabled people.
And they never would.
What about the Special Olympics?
But it would have
made the competition
a lot more fierce, am I right?
You motherfuck...
We're gonna be back
right after this word
from our sponsors!
Phenomenal, guys.
Phenomenal.
I had it all, man.
I had the golden
boobs and I blew it.
Goose.
Golden goose.
What'd I say?
Boobs.
That too.
And I know that you
gave me this job
because you wanted me to screw
it up so you could fire me.
You were right to think that.
I should've been fired.
Garrett, what is this?
It's the man I became
after the best thing
in my life left.
Garrett, these are drug dealers.
Top guys.
And the numbers next to them
are what they paid
me for protection.
How long have you
been doing this?
Long enough to do time.
A lot of it.
And hey, I'll do it.
But I want you to promise
to make them real cops.
Real cops, that's all
the way want, Tara.
They just wanna be cops.
I can't even remember when
that was enough for me.
So if you'll do that,
I'll take the heat,
then I'll get out of your life.
What kind of dumb
ass keeps records
of his criminal activity?
The little heroes
put it together!
And I still have an out.
I would just say I was
long-term deep undercover
and then when the records
came out, that would just be
reasonable doubt.
Reasonable doubt.
There's my little prosecutor.
But I'm not gonna
cover my ass anymore.
Burn this.
No, I'm coming clean!
Do you have any
idea what I had to do
to become mayor of Van Nuys?
Well, some of it
involves my boobs!
Hi.
Look, I just want
you to know I'm sorry.
God!
Stop saying that or I
will vomit right here!
Are you done with this?
Yes.
Yes, I promise.
I called them and I told them.
I'm a real cop again.
Come on, I'm a real cop again.
Let's go to a movie
and get some popcorn
like we used to.
I will get the car.
Okay.
And I will get the check.
Isn't this nothing
but a publicity ploy
by the mayor to get more votes?
Wow, how insightful.
Don't you usually
interview strippers?
Actually, no, your mom
hasn't been in recently, ha!
Hey, you better
listen up here, gimpy,
I got two million listeners
and an attitude like
that's gonna get you hurt.
Morgan.
Alvin, no, no, no.
Caller, you're on the air.
What do you got for me?
This is a
question for the midget.
Really?
Listen, is
Santa an asshole or not?
That's a good question.
And also, do they get medical
in the Lollipop Guild?
Alvin, now!
We'll buh, buh, be
right Ba, Ba, back.
Open the door!
Oh, Tara, this radio
douche bag is really a...
What?
Okay, where are you?
Okay, we'll be there
in just a second.
We got to go!
Blood on the ground.
Size 13 shoe print.
Tire tracks.
He was knocked
out by a big dude.
They took his car.
He had kale and goat cheese.
If we can get the camera
feed, we can see who took him.
New security cameras
are wireless.
Easily hacked.
Well, if you're me.
That's his car.
Who the hell is that?
I don't know. I'm
gonna track him.
How?
The watch I gave
him has a GPS locator
and a short-range
Bluetooth microphone.
Wow.
What else can it do?
It's also a watch.
Wow.
Yeah, I also have
cameras at his apartment.
If you don't watch
everybody, you can get...
Can we please just
go find Garrett?
Yeah, let's find Garrett.
You're undercover
and you actually wear
a Van Nuys PD T-shirt?
All my white ones
got puke on them.
You protect these guys?
You give them information,
but you try and bust me?
I still have to be a cop, right?
Someone has to go down.
You're the new guy, you get
the winning lottery ticket.
Ugh.
And now you think
you're not gonna
help us anymore, ese?
No more protection from
Detective Garrett Fowler?
No way.
We own you, homes.
Julio, with your credit rating,
you really can't own anything.
God!
We're not gonna
let you, homes.
Hm!
You're our inside guy.
We need you.
You keep helping
us, or you'll end up
like those two cops I
buried up in Barstow.
Huh?
Garrett, we've been
friends a long time.
Why you never not wanna
be my friend no more now?
I think we can all
agree it's your grammar.
Okay. You got to gun?
Nuh, nuh, no.
Good.
I got a nuh, knife.
All right.
Is that a new shotgun?
Yeah.
Full assault.
Twice the load of my old one.
Sexy.
Night, night.
That was incredible.
How'd you do that?
Pressure points.
Uh-oh.
That was incredible.
Yeah.
What the hell is this?
You put everything
in here, puto?
Everything we ever did?
Everything we ever paid you for?
What kind of dumb
ass keeps records
of all his criminal
activity like this?
Once a cop, always a cop.
He was setting us up.
No.
It was a gift for my girlfriend.
Ex-girlfriend.
You gave your
girlfriend evidence
of our criminal activity?
You know, I thought if
I gave her the evidence,
then I would go to jail and
she would love me again.
Love is a fickle
mistress, homes.
I can say this, it was
good while it lasted, huh?
I remember when you called
me and you said we were over.
It hurt.
And you said you didn't
wanna see me anymore
and we should go
our separate ways.
And here I see
you with a folder.
A folder about us.
Go wash my car!
And for that, you die, cop!
Police!
Freeze!
Drop the weapons now!
Holy hell.
We heard gunshots!
Was that gunshots?
Kill them!
Not today!
Ow!
Goddammit, Morgan!
Sorry!
What is this?
Maybe he's not a cop!
LAPD, you are under arrest!
A cripple, a
midget, and whatever
the hell is wrong with him?
This is your backup, Fowler?
He doesn't even have a gun!
Fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh...
Shut up!
You're dead, gimp!
Alvin!
Their names are Mac,
Morgan, and Sophie.
My name is Alvin.
Nice to meet you.
Oh no!
Oh, now...
Now I'm pissed.
Alvin, if he moves, I want
you to shoot him in the eye.
I got it.
The left eye.
My left or his left?
Dealer's choice.
My left.
Well, Julio, looks like
you have four
attempted murder charges.
You're really
ambitious, aren't you?
Well all that evidence,
is evidence against you too.
I hope you're in the
cell next to me, puto.
Yeah, well, you'll
probably get your wish.
Hey, Fowler.
Finally feel like a real cop.
Yeah.
Me too.
LAPD!
All right, everybody, freeze.
Fowler!
Captain, what the
hell are you doing here?
Well, the mayor called.
What's going on?
Bad guys doing bad guy stuff.
This whole place is
just full of evidence.
So is that folder.
Get them outta here.
Uh, Captain, that's nothing.
That's just my evidence.
Oh yeah, sure looks like it is.
Hey, where the hell's Alvin?
I'm right here.
Alvin took those first three
guys out with Mac's help.
The two dead guys,
that was all Sophie.
This, I just got
stabbed in the shoulder.
And that was all, all me.
The hell is that smell?
And what is on his chest?
That's our calling card, sir.
That's our calling card.
You're kinda disgusting.
Yeah.
Oh, Fowler!
Oh.
Sir, there it is.
Thank you...
Fowler, do you know
when your faith
in God is renewed?
Not even a little bit.
When something happens
that you've been praying for.
Do you know what this is?
Sir, it's...
It's a 10-year prison sentence
for a cop who I knew was
dirty, but I couldn't prove it.
I've already called IA.
I might even put you
in custody tonight.
In fact, Garrett Fowler,
you have the right
to remain silent...
Captain, I need Detective
Garrett right now!
The mayor called an
emergency press conference.
Oh, Detective
Fowler's unavailable.
He's about to...
Ooh!
She told me to grab this!
Thanks!
I have to go see
the mayor again.
This city owes a big debt
to the officers behind me.
They stopped a
menace to the city.
Let's give them a big hand.
Now, these officers
stopped three drug dealers
that were terrorizing the city
of Van Nuys and its citizens.
Garrett Fowler has been working
this case for 10
years undercover.
The evidence is ironclad.
These criminals
are gonna go away
for a very, very long time.
Now, some criminals
never go to jail
for the horrible, horrible
things that they do,
but because of Detective
Fowler and his
partners,
Van Nuys is a safer
place to live.
Let's give them another hand.
Yes, he is the best.
Just gets better and
better everyday, right?
Yep, better everyday.
You two need to get a room.
Wuh, wuh, wuh, we are.
The underground bunkers are
placed around the country,
Denver Airport, under
Tesla Motors factory,
and Giant's Stadium.
Did they embed the
chip in your arm yet?
I cut mine out.
Here.
Okay.
Wait.
Wait, you can
check for yourself!
Women.
Can't live with them,
can't live without them.
Can't bake cookies with them.
Can't take them
to men's bathroom.
Hi Alvin.
Hi Margie Pretty.
Pretty's not my last name.
Yes, it is.
Wow.
I canceled my subscription
to Hustler magazine.
Okay. Okay.
Oh, hi!
We are just so proud of you.
Is it okay if my son says hi?
Hi, I'm Billy and I wanna
be a detective just like you!
And shoot bad guys!
Bang, bang, bang!
Gun!
What the hell?
You guys working
with Make-A-Wish now?
LAPD is a carnival freak show!
The worst!
Good job, officers.
Have a safe night.
The hell happened to the car?
I upgraded.
Badass.
Morgan.
Yeah?
You're driving.
Let's roll.
Oh.
Wait!
God, you idiot.
Car 723, officers are requesting
an investigative team.
2100, block of Hatteras,
cross street, Tujunga.
This is Officer Morgan.
We, we have a, ha, ha, ha, ha...
Give me that!
Pain inside my heart
Trouble stay on my mind
Everything falls apart
It's happening all the time
Living by Murphy's Law
Trying to have it all
Running from instant karma
Every man's bound to fall
Life is short,
the grind is long
Some of my very
best friends are gone
My hustle's strong,
my money's all spent
On buying bitches,
titties, and drugs and rent
Work a double shift
grind, I can't save a dime
My daughter needs
medicine I just can't afford
He's also naked, so basically,
he came after me
with two hammers.
You guys, I got to say
that after working
with you guys for four weeks,
I'm still pretty sure
you idiots are gonna get
me killed, but
I'm impressed.
Damn right, you are.
You should be.
Hello, what would you like?
I'm gonna have the
Baja Burrito and a Bud.
May I say, you are
a saint for working
with these kind of people.
Them and their kind,
they have every right
to be out in public,
no matter how bad
they creep people out, yeah.
So what will they have?
Fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh,
fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh,
fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh,
fuh, fuh, fuh...
Stop it!
Fuh...
Stop your tantrum right now!
You guys, I am tired
of your tantrums.
I will not have you
guys destroy this place.
Destroy?
Yeah, I take them on
these trips all the time
to get them out in
public so they don't act
like those people like you said.
I know what you're
talking about.
And they have
trashed every place
I have taken them to,
and I am tired of it!
This is a very,
very, very nice lady,
and she does not need a bunch of
gimps
messing her place up!
Oh my.
Do you got it?
Can you stop it?
Well, as long as you don't
use their trigger word.
What is it?
Starts with an R
and ends with a D.
All right, and D, R and D.
Oh, retard.
You said it. You said it.
Why'd you say it? Don't say it!
No. No, please.
Please, no. Please.
Oh! No!
No, please!
No, please stop!
Oh!
No! Oh!
No, please!
Please, no!
Our kind are so unpredictable!
Apologies for our rude behavior.
We were a, a, atrocious.
Sorry.
Yeah, I know that everybody left
and they probably didn't tip.
So this, all of it, is for you.
Sorry you had to deal
with those people.
You!
You don't deserve
your own Olympics!
Who are the mentally retarded?
About 800,000 with
disabilities are unemployed
even though they're
able to work.
In most communities,
ambulance crews will not
handle disturbed people.
Unemployment for
the disabled is discouraging.
And speaking of jobs,
most people if they
believe they are able
to perform any
useful work at all,
probably think of
them only in terms
of the most simple
manual operations.
It is estimated that one million
with a disability
can't find work.
They told her to get out.
Their ability to
learn will vary according
to the training, experience,
and personal dedication
of the teacher.
They claim the DOJ
is looking into whether
the school violated the
Federal Disabilities Act.
People with
physical handicaps get to be
even President of
the United States.
Uh, I don't know what I said!
Uh, I don't remember!
When a policeman
gets hurt handling
a mentally disturbed person,
it's mostly because he has tried
to handle the whole
deal by himself.
Everybody meets their maker
Everyone, they feel the fire
Everybody's on the taking
Everyone's a fucking liar
Everyone's another suspect
Everybody's on the run
Everybody fears the box and
Everyone respects the gun
Everyone respects the gun
Woo.
They grew these boys in a lab.
Steroids?
I don't know.
I'd have to feel
their nut sacks.
Yeah. What?
Yeah, Roids.
Turns your testiculars
into tiny packing peanuts.
Why do you know that?
There's no good answer.
You know, forget I asked.
Okay.
Gentlemen.
Nice outfit.
Now, do you prefer Darth or
the more formal Mr. Vader?
Yeah, outfit's so black,
you could have a civil
rights protest in your pants.
Jerome, it's fine.
Welcome to Los Angeles.
We're here to help you.
Yeah, and why
should I trust you?
Well, you shouldn't
'cause we're criminals,
but I want you to know, just
trust that you can trust us.
I never trust trusting people.
I'm not a truster.
Well, this guy could
write greeting cards.
Now that we're all nice and
snugly, are we gonna do this?
Yeah, he's right,
let's get to business.
Deal's off.
Because of a couple
of mild insults?
My god, we got to drug dealer
with a self-esteem problem.
If you want, we can pay in hugs.
The deal's off.
Come on, the truck
is right there waiting
to get turned into money!
Let's do this!
Whoa!
See, I don't see a truck.
I see cops.
The hell are you babbling about?
Todd Parker, LAPD.
Now, I didn't find
anything on you,
but that don't mean
you ain't a piggy too.
You do have trust issues.
Your step-mama
should've breastfed you.
Nobody move.
Mother...
You're a cop?
You're a cop?
What are you...
Now, that's eight shots.
That means I got just
enough to double tap you
and that pleather jacket.
What now?
You're a cop.
Oh, you're crazy.
Either way, that's
bad for business.
That's what now.
Torch it.
Oh no.
No!
No! No!
Fowler!
Fowler!
Wake up!
Fowler!
Fowler, wake up!
Fowler!
Captain.
Captain, arrest me right now.
What?
You got to arrest me right now.
They got cameras
all over this place.
You can make it look good.
Fowler, it's over.
They're gone.
I'm sorry, Captain.
Captain, rough me up.
You got to rough me up right...
Perfect, that's...
Next time, warn a guy
if you're gonna kick him
in the backup singers.
Sorry, Captain, I was trying
to not blow cover
like dumb ass here.
How is he?
How is he?
He's shot, you piece of shit!
I want him gone!
You're out, Fowler!
I already called my union rep...
Really, is that what you did?
Fowler!
Okay, fine.
Let's talk about the master
undercover officer
in front of us.
You suck so bad, they
had a folder on you.
They had your email.
They had your
prostate measurements,
which you should
probably check again
while your head is
still up your ass!
They had your address.
They had your phone number.
They had your ex-girlfriend's
sexual preference,
and you know what, it ain't you!
I saved your life tonight.
You're lucky that I shot
you in the leg and the vest,
instead of the head!
You wanna go?
I'll kill you right here,
you piece of shit!
Let's go, bring it!
Let me get up there!
Let's go!
Come on, any time!
I'll kill you,
you son of a bitch!
Any time, any time!
Let's do this!
I got you, Fowler!
Right here!
I'm gonna sock...
All you got, all you got!
Yeah, watch this!
Hey!
What the hell is wrong with you?
What?
Right.
Enough of this.
Outside!
I can't do this anymore.
Well, then find
me a decent partner.
Well, that's a
tall order, Fowler,
because you're a violent,
arrogant douche bag
that thinks about
nothing but himself.
I like puppies.
There's no one left.
If I put you in
parking enforcement,
you'd get shot by a meter maid.
That baby wasn't mine.
What?
She slept with anybody
who had a nice car.
You got a meter maid pregnant?
You didn't know that.
That cutie that works the
beach in Santa Monica?
Mikayla?
Monster Mikayla?
She's as big as me.
Just Mikayla, sir.
And she has a thyroid
thing, like you.
Aggravated by a cheesecake
thing, like you.
You really are a lowlife.
Sir, what about my car?
It's 35 grand.
Sir, am I on the precinct's
insurance or not?
I'm gonna need
something from you guys!
Go fuck yourself, Fowler!
I can't do it.
Say it's a demo.
It's not.
That's why you say it.
Because of that fight with
your wife was assault,
but in my report,
I said it wasn't.
Garrett, she
chased me with a bat.
And she fell down the
stairs and got hurt,
which, again, with my testimony,
would totally be
seen as assault.
She was drunk and on molly
she got from her new girlfriend.
Well, that means she's
part of the LGBT community,
which makes her a hero.
But it also means you
committed a hate crime.
Oh my god, I feel
a tear coming on.
Don't cry, Garrett.
Hold it back, Garrett.
Save it for... the jury.
Go on, honey,
shake your moneymaker
Baby I'm a sinner,
all I've done is wrong
Everybody clap your
hands, sing a simple song
Whiskey it spills
and we all get along
But Louis keep it real,
take a hit from the bong
Three times a lady,
easy like Sunday morning
On and on until
the break of dawn
Hot butter on, say
what, the popcorn
Yes, yes, y'all
and creditors calling
Dow Jones falling,
push your chips all in
Garrett.
Garrett, Garrett.
Well, how's it going, sexy?
It's Madam Mayor.
Madam Mayor Sexy.
Well, that's kinda
cocky, don't you think?
I heard you lost
another partner.
I didn't lose him.
I shot him.
Do you keep track of
all your ex-boyfriends?
Hm-mm, just your ex-boyfriends.
See, I have to keep
track of the worst cop
so I can take out the trash.
Tara, we were 10 years ago.
You got to let go of this anger
'cause it's making
your boobs droop.
Watch it.
We don't talk about
the mayor's boobs.
I bet you do.
It's fine.
It's fine.
I just had a meeting
with your captain.
He's gonna help me
keep my city clean.
Get rid of the scum.
Be good, lover.
I just smashed a Pinocchio!
Do you know how
hard it is to get
an actual authentic,
mini, ceramic, kiln fired
in the fucking
Netherlands Pinocchio?
Yes, sir, it's why
I started drinking.
You see, my therapist,
my therapist suggested
that I start to
collect figurines
to help me with my stress.
But it made me nuts.
You know what I do now?
I throw 'em!
Because I feel better when I see
their little heads crack open!
Well, we are all glad
you're in charge, sir.
Sit down!
You got IA sniffing
all over this place
because you shot your partner!
Repeatedly!
I should just shut you down!
You can't shut me down
'cause you can't make
something stick, sir.
Oh yes, I can!
And I don't give a donkey's sack
that the mayor is
your ex-girlfriend.
There you go.
As per the mayor,
that's your new job.
Fairness and Disabilities Act.
Handicapped cadets.
Handicapped police officers?!
Come on!
Are you kidding me?
We, the LAPD, are gonna
give wobblies guns?
It was a pilot program.
They passed all
their requirements,
but nobody got put on the force.
Three years later,
the ACLU sued.
So, here we are.
Hey, very high test scores.
Better than you.
Technically, they're cops.
No, they're not cops.
I'm a cop.
Know how I know that?
Because I don't have to empty
my bag every three hours.
I'm not doing this.
I will not wipe drool
and spend three hours
a day explaining ceiling fan.
You are gonna do this!
Or I am gonna put
you in a parking lot,
chasing skateboarders
from a fucking golf cart!
So I'm boned.
Like a skeleton
getting a lap dance.
Ah, ha!
Don't you dare!
Only I get to do that.
Put it down.
Praise your God,
Lord have mercy
My mother warned me,
my father cursed me
Grand design, time
to meet your maker
It's okay. I hit some ice.
Do me a favor, park
it some place nice.
Praise your God,
Lord have mercy
My mother warned me,
my father cursed me
Grand design, time
to meet your maker
Go on, honey,
shake your moneymaker
Baby, don't be lazy,
come get your paper
Go on, honey,
shake your moneymaker
Walk a little road, see
where it gonna take ya
Go on, honey,
shake your moneymaker
Fowler!
You look like fried ass.
Yeah, because of this,
I was up all night
flirting with suicide.
Flirting?
You got to follow through.
All right, come on,
you ready for this?
You know what, sir,
yeah, I'm ready for this.
Sure. You know why?
'Cause I was born ready!
Holy shit.
Make good choices.
Morning!
My name is Detective Fowler.
This is a police station.
Today, we're gonna find out
why you guys want to
be police detectives.
Now, if you need to
go to the bathroom...
Don't, don't, don't worry.
We're all wuh, wuh, wuh,
wearing da, diapers.
We can interview while
we puh, puh, pee.
Is that Pu-, puke on your shirt?
Huh.
I thought that
smell was you guys.
Let's get started.
Okay, uh, well, you're up.
Let's go, Evel Knievel.
Yeah!
Perfect.
Why do you wanna be a detective?
The word midget...
I wanna take down bad guys!
Pow, pow, pow!
I'm offended!
I outscored everyone
in the program!
That's impressive.
Fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh,
fucking damn right
it's impressive.
What kind of mouthwash is that?
Mexican.
I'm just a pawn
in the 9/11 coverup.
Well, I love your enthusiasm.
When the shit goes down...
I can mount a shotgun
to my wheelchair.
And fire it by blowing into my...
Tube.
No one scored hoy,
ha, higher in cruh,
cruh, cruh, cruh,
cruh, cruh, cruh,
cruh, cruh, criminology!
Now I'm auditioning for
the defective detectives!
Bureaucratic butt rangers!
One more question.
Yes, my penis still works.
Okay, two more questions.
Blow 'em up!
Shoot them in the face.
Can you do a wheelie?
Yeah.
Don't touch me.
I don't like to be touched.
It makes me weird.
Define weird.
Do you want me to crawl
into your bed at night
and make you itch?
Beep, bay beep, beep, beep,
bay beep, bay beep, beep, bee...
Pow! Pow!
Pow!
No!
This is bullshit!
I know everything
in the whole world.
Thank you for clearing that up.
Hi!
How did my Alvin do?
Oh, he was great.
He didn't vomit or masturbate.
You should be
really, really proud.
Thank you for
giving them a chance.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
I love the wobblies, honey.
I'm fulfilled.
Fowler!
Ah!
We got four yet?
Three.
And if that is the cream
of God's genetic misfires,
then God is a vengeful prick.
Really Old Testament.
Cap.
About Krasnov and Gutierrez,
well, we found their car
and the underside was covered
with this red grainy mud.
But no sign of them.
Well, what'd the lab say?
Dirt has a really high
percentage of magnesium and lye.
Barstow and Richmond.
What?
Barstow and Richmond,
the soil is high in
lye and magnesium.
And dirt.
Alvin knows everything.
Yeah, he kept telling me
that over and over and over.
He's read reference
books his whole life
and has a photographic memory,
so if he sees it,
he can't forget it.
Huh.
Aw.
Fine.
We got four.
Shoot him!
He also read every martial
arts book he could find.
He touched me Mama...
Now, I'm going to poop on him.
Sorry about that.
His father also got him a
subscription to Hustler magazine.
He read every one.
Probably a mistake.
Shoot him.
Honey, look.
Okay, we got four.
Four?
He almost killed me!
I said we got four!
Okay, Barstow and Richmond,
you two check it out.
You, come in tomorrow sober
enough to fight Rain Man.
You think he could count cards?
Ah, you're a scumbag.
Alvin!
Hello?
Hey, Madam Mayor Sexy.
What do you want, Fowler?
What I have always wanted.
You.
That is so sweet.
You're still in charge with
the special little soldiers.
Oh, come on, retards?
Tara, you gave me retards!
They like the term
disabled, so use it.
And, Fowler, make this work.
Get me good press.
Or you'll end up painting
houses in Sylmar.
I hate you.
Well, then this worked
like it was supposed to.
Goodnight.
Tara, wait, no.
Listen, you can't do this to me!
Tara, I got to tell
you, look, look...
Hello?
Tara!
God!
You have too many
blue ones anyway.
My mother warned me,
my father cursed me
Grand design, time
to meet your maker
Come on, honey...
Well, only 43 minutes late.
Is it Black Friday
at the liquor store?
Good morning, and no, I
am on a natural high and...
Vicodin.
Score!
Good to see you, sir.
And Vicodin caused Vietnam.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Listen, um, just so you know,
you're the first retarded
squad in existence.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
Fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh,
fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh-
Fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh-
Fuh, fuh, fuh, fuck you!
We're not ruh, ruh,
ruh, ruh, retarded!
That's telling him!
Finally!
Hey, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh...
I got it!
Don't drop a nut.
I don't like fighting.
Hey, sir, I think
some leadership
and teamwork is in order.
We all know this is just
an academic experiment
to control and/or euthanize us.
When do we get our
psychoactive medication?
What?
I had it in basic.
Kinda minty.
Uh, guys, this is
gonna be really weird.
For me.
I mean, you guys have
never been normal,
but I've never led
retards before...
God, god, god, god, goddammit!
You are so out of line!
Yeah!
And retard's not gonna cut it.
I am a little person with a gun!
She's right!
And I was normal.
What the hell does
that mean, gimpy?
There are 127 words to describe
people with disabilities.
Eight.
Nine.
Ten...
All right.
Okay, apologies.
Today, we learn how
to be detectives!
Hell yeah!
Finally!
Excellent, sir.
All right, we're gonna start
with the basics of police work.
You know, tracking
cases, organization,
mopping, dusting, picking
up my dry cleaning.
What?
What?
What?
What, what, what, what,
what, what, what,
what, what, what?
This is bull, bullshit.
We're not ja, janitors.
Yeah, and dry cleaning
is a Ponzi scheme.
You are the worst
douche bag I've ever met.
Douche bag?
The hell is your problem?
My problem is, I
live at ass level!
Oh my god, I knew
this was gonna happen.
I'm living in a
retard freak show!
Knock it off!
Okay. Okay.
You know what,
you're not retards.
As a matter of fact, you're
a spaz, a midget, a cripple.
He's a retard.
Does that bother you?
Because it's what
everybody thinks.
No matter what lame PC word we
use, retard is what we think.
If you think handicapable
makes a difference,
then you're extra
special retarded.
Now, you guys signed up to
be undercover detectives,
so either step up and do the job
or step aside, go out there,
and be differently abled.
Because after a
year on the force,
dealing with scumbags,
crack addicts,
murderers, and
family law attorneys,
retard is gonna feel like
a warm hug from mama.
I might be a re, re, retard,
but you, sir, are
an a, a, a, asshole.
And I have to live
with that every day.
I don't get to say that
I have a nice deficiency.
You know, I don't get to say
that I'm etiquette-challenged.
I am an asshole.
And nobody's building
me a goddamn ramp.
Look, clean my office.
Go through the evidence files.
You see something I missed,
a case you guys wanna
go after, we'll do it.
You want to be cops?
Show me.
Why would an
asshole need a ramp?
Is she busy?
No, she's not.
Good.
But she did tell me to say
that if you showed
up, that I should call
our tactical SWAT team and
one of them that has a sniper
that can hit you with a
bullet from the rooftop.
So then we have
a couple minutes?
No, wait.
Detective Fowler!
Seriously, Tara?
Mongoloids?
My mother's second
husband was from Mongolia.
Exactly, retards.
I'm sorry, Mayor.
It's okay.
Detective Fowler has
never had good manners.
I am not the guy for this.
Well, you're right,
but you are doing it.
I couldn't spare
anyone with a soul.
Listen, I have an
election coming up,
so if this doesn't work
and one of them gets
hurt, it's your fault.
And the mayor will have to do
her job and crucify a bad cop,
so it's like a win-win.
No, for it to be a
win-win, I also have to win.
No, I win twice!
Do anything else to get
even with me, not this.
This is so uncomfortable for me.
Yeah, well, I
think I'm gonna puke.
My feelings for you, Fowler,
have been dead and
buried for some time.
I can fix that.
Let's have sex one more time.
Oh my god!
I replaced you with batteries.
Ouch!
Go away.
Sorry.
We were in love once.
Isn't that something?
Yeah, until you were inside
someone covered with glitter!
We are done, you get that?
I was the best thing that
ever happened to you.
Let's don't get crazy.
The best thing that
ever happened to you!
Okay. Get crazy.
And you will never
get this again.
So, now, go and train
those little heroes.
They've never done
anything heroic!
They're heroes!
And you get me reelected.
Or I will make an
example out of a
very,
very
bad cop.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
I want you to know something.
The man I have become
is 100% due to the fact
that you were a
glacier in the bedroom.
Your icy vagina ruined me.
I had to name my penis Titanic.
Wow, look at that.
I insulted you and
complimented myself.
Oh!
That was a win-win.
Uh, Mayor, you have a photo
op with the little cuties
from Boy Scout,
troop 19 at 1:00 p.m.
I'll push it to 1:30.
Retards are gonna be cops.
Great.
Goddammit.
Handicapable, my ass.
Cops got to be perfect, you know?
What's the matter, Fowler?
You having trouble keeping
up with the Avengers?
Yeah, Fowler, how
are the retards?
Huh?
You getting a lot of practice
wiping other people's butts?
They like cheese puffs, right?
Mongos love cheese puffs!
Garrett's here.
Wow.
I was expecting
an insurance fire.
Wow!
Guys, I got to tell you,
I just got something.
So did we.
You said step up.
We found a case.
Definitely guilty.
This guy's a real ass clown.
What is it?
Guys, these are my phone bills.
And what?
My car registration
for LA Dream Cars?
You got a hell of a
deal on that Charger, sir.
A new Hemi R/T is
worth what, 40 grand?
And you puh, puh, paid nothing.
And the salesman, Mike,
was up on a rape charge
that got suddenly dropped.
It was assault.
It was a lease.
Oops.
We tracked some of
the phone numbers.
The highlighted ones,
you got some pretty
shady buddies, buddy.
Are those drug
dealers your friends?
Uh, they are my CIs.
According to the
department, sir,
they're not on your
informant list.
You're supposed
to pay informants.
Why are your
informants paying you?
And your bank
account has some wuh,
we, wuh, weird deposits.
Who's Lou?
I wanna know who Julio is.
How the hell did
you get into my bank?
Oh, it wasn't hard.
Password, 2QUILA.
All caps.
How'd you get that?
Logic, due diligence,
and you wrote it
on a Post-it note
stuck to your computer.
What kind of dumb
ass leaves records
for his criminal
activity in his office?
Just got the car.
I just kinda threw
it in, you know?
I didn't really even, oh, you
guys really did organize this.
Chronologically and by how
much jail time you'll do.
Well...
Great job, guys.
You are cadets in training
and I put something out for
you to find, and you found it.
What do you think you got here?
A Dir, dirty cop?
You re, retard.
Those phone records connect
you to four convicted felons.
The free car is
two tons of proof.
Ah, they love cops in county.
An average human colon can
smuggle three cellphones.
Uh, guys, this
is just some phone bills
and handwritten notes.
It's not even evidence.
Alvin.
State of California
versus Terrence Phelps.
Convicted and sentenced to 15
years based on phone records.
State of California
versus Peter Mancuso.
Convicted and sentenced
to 15 years based on
handwritten notes.
State of California
versus Michael Serapili...
All right.
What do you want?
What we were promised.
We wanna be cops.
Yeah, and if you got in, it
should be a cake walk for us.
But we wanna be real police
officers, no bullshit.
Or you could smuggle cellphones
in your ass for cigarettes.
Three of them, beep boop beep.
No.
No.
You guys can't be cops.
You don't have the motor skills.
You don't have the ability.
Wrong, we are cops.
We passed every test.
This is discrimination and
you are the Ku Klux Klan!
Not a chance.
Great.
Guys, let's go.
If we can't be cops,
neither can you.
Uh, Captain Wynn's
office is 113, right?
Guys, wait, wait. No, don't.
All right, all right, stop.
God fucking...
Seriously?
Unbelievable!
What a damn day!
Fine!
You want me to teach
you to be cops?
Fine, but I'm gonna show
you how little you know!
And the only reason
you guys are here
'cause you're a bunch of
wobbly, gimpy spaz balls.
And now I got to go find
a short bus with a siren!
Unbelievable!
God!
Fuck!
Perfect!
I like his new attitude!
This is the
department's firing range.
Today, we're gonna
train like real cops.
I am videotaping you all
with a high-speed camera
to show you how bad you suck
because I don't want
you to be real cops.
Instead, I'd like you
guys to be working
at a large box store,
greeting people,
or making stuffed animals
in small windowless rooms.
Is the box store shaped like
a box or does it sell boxes?
Bu bu bu Bullshit!
I've killed more
people than you!
You are awful!
Shut up!
Now this
is a bullet.
On its own, it's inert,
docile, and unlikely to kill,
but it needs its best friend,
the semiautomatic pistol.
Now, a bullet
doesn't kill unless
a semiautomatic pistol
makes it go very, very fast.
But once you are holding a
loaded weapon in your hand,
things change dramatically.
Now, the gun becomes the
bullet and you become the gun.
Got it?
Sorry, am I the
gun or the bullet?
You're the bullet!
No, the gun is the bullet.
He's the gun.
I thought the gun was the gun.
Oh, this is stupid!
I get it.
Can I get, get a nuh,
nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh,
nuh, nuh, nuh,
nuh, nuh, knife?
Let's just shoot.
Mac.
Five out of six, not bad.
You missed one.
Here's how to remember it:
Take your time and shoot
the guy in the spine.
Sophie, you're up.
Well, didn't hit one.
Just shows no matter
how tough you are,
she still can't
hit the broad side
of a barn with another barn.
There you go.
At the end of the day, you've
got to learn what you're doing.
And if you don't know
what you're doing,
then you just got to stop talk...
That's a pass.
Alvin, pick your poison.
Well, you only hit one,
but it was a killer.
I hit all six.
I only see one hole.
Went through the same hole.
Alvin, everybody
misses sometimes.
I didn't miss!
Listen, this Mongo
temper tantrum thing is
not gonna work with me.
You really think you put
them all through one hole?
Fine.
Let's go to the high-speed video
and show you how
bad you really suck.
I always win at the carnival.
Morgan, you're up.
Okay, I got you
framed up, buddy.
Uh, can you control the,
okay, aim at the tar-, okay.
Uh, you know what, Morgan,
you don't have to do this.
You don't have to do this.
I got this.
You shot me in the ear!
You idiot!
Ow!
My ear is right next to
my head, you dumb ass!
Ow!
I asked for a nuh, nuh, knife!
Online crime is a huge problem,
and the LAPD is proud to be in
the frontline of cyber wars,
international espionage,
and drug trafficking.
But our bread and butter,
where LA leads the
world, is in pedophiles.
Is in catching pedophiles.
Now, this isn't easy, kids.
Takes a long time,
sometimes days, weeks,
even months just to get...
Done.
What the hell is this?
NORAD.
Do you want me to get
some launch codes?
Long shot, but it'll
take me a bit of time.
Turn it off!
It's okay, they can't see us.
I've routed through 14
different international servers.
They'll think we're North Korea.
Warning, tracking
software detected.
That's bad.
Go, everybody
out, everybody out!
Go, go, go, go, go!
God!
All right, I wanna
welcome you guys
to the Van Nuys PD
investigative training room.
Look around, observe, tell
me what you see, kids.
Alvin, what do you got?
It was bad.
Very bad.
Okay.
Mac, what do you got?
Love triangle, lying, cheating.
Oh yeah, I've lived this.
The woman shot first, of course!
She winged this guy who loved
her more than life itself!
But he was just half a man.
And then when her other lover
tried to run because he can,
she killed him.
So no witnesses, but we
know what you did, Marie!
Sick bitch shredded me!
Well, that was
frightening and complicated.
And totally inaccurate.
Morgan, what do you got?
Druh, drug deal
gone Ba, Ba, bad.
That guy still has
crack in his hands.
Everyone started
shooting at once
and the last one alive wanted
to make ID
impa, pa, possible.
Money, drugs left on the scene,
we're looking for a
juh, juh, juh, junkie.
That's exactly what
I had them set up.
Oh my.
You have a knack.
But you know what, you
really shouldn't talk.
All right.
Sophie, what do you got?
These guys are drug dealers
and junkies, right, Morgan?
I'd buh, buh, bet on it!
I know what he knows.
I wanna know what you know.
I think it's a suicide.
What?
Crack head, junkie, murder,
circle jerks, ain't
worth my time.
I've got citizens to protect.
Tag 'em, bag 'em, chuck
'em in a landfill.
Gentlemen, take note.
That's a cop.
Welcome to the Van Nuys
Police Training Center.
Today, I'll be your
instructor, Sensei Nick Kahana.
I'm gonna be teaching you
how to defend yourself
on the streets of Los Angeles,
which is not an easy feat.
You!
Get up.
Come on!
Garrett Fowler.
Heard about your new job, bro.
Rough.
Everybody, this is Nick Kahana.
Tell them the rest.
Van Nuys PD hand-to-hand combat
and martial arts
expert, Nick Kahana.
Nick Kahana has
worked very hard,
so Nick Kahana deserves respect.
So which one of the
slow class, short bus,
tending the rabbits dummies
does Nick Kahana have
to take out first?
Uh, uh, uh, uh, I'm good.
Nick Kahana will take
out the biggest guy here.
I already kicked
Garrett Fowler's ass.
Choked him out like
I was his daddy.
Remember that, Garrett Fowler?
Yeah, Nick, I remember.
It took me a couple weeks
to remember, but I remember.
Hey, Alvin, do you want
some more training?
I already know everything
in the whole world.
Well, Nick Kahana is gonna
teach you something new.
Okay.
I like that last move.
Why isn't he doing anything?
Gotta touch him.
Uh.
Hey, Nick, maybe you shouldn't.
Just touch him?
Yeah.
Come on, retard.
Ooh!
Night, night, Nick Kahana.
Now, I'm going to poop on him.
Alvin!
Congratulations.
Hey, Garrett, as much as
I don't trust you or the NRA
or coconut water,
I realize that
you've helped us all.
Here, this is from everyone.
And I disarmed the C4 under
your Charger, so no worries.
That's mildly unnerving.
Holy crap.
It's a watch.
Thanks.
Good news is tomorrow,
you guys get your
first real assignments.
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
I got to question though:
The hell do I call you guys?
I like Spartacus.
No, I just mean there's
so many different words.
Disabled, differently abled.
If it's not my name,
you might as well call me gimp.
Exactly.
So you're cool with gimp?
Well, you know what
my favorite is?
Wobblies, that one has
the nice, light tone.
It's kind of Muppety feel to it.
Wobblies.
I'll work on it when
I'm in the head.
I got to go, go too.
Hey, hey, make it look
like you're pissing,
not jerking off.
Garrett, what do I do, do?
Hold your dick still,
buy a hose clamp.
I don't know.
No, about Sophie.
Uh, I wouldn't touch her dick.
She's giving me the vibe
and would I get in trouble for,
for fooling around with her?
No, dude, if you're
getting a vibe, what do I...
Care.
You know, go for it.
And stop tap, tapping my foot.
Hilarious.
Wash your hands!
I had a great time
with you tonight.
Hey, you didn't stutter.
Yeah, if I were an alcoholic,
I could be pruh,
pruh, president.
Mm.
You know, Garrett,
he treats us like...
Like real people.
No kid gloves.
Like, he's kind of a dick.
Sophie, we are who we are.
We screw up bad once,
we go back to being the joke.
I don't wanna be the joke.
I don't wanna be the retard.
And what I'm scared most of is
not being seen at all.
I see you, Morgan.
Your mind is so sexy, Morgan.
And the rest of me?
That's pretty sexy too.
Come here, big boy.
Yeah!
Oh my gosh, are you okay?
I'm good.
That's why I walk this way.
Captain, you all right?
You scared us, sir.
We're ruh, ready
to be cuh, cuh, cops.
Fowler, you got to stop!
You got to stop!
Okay, okay.
You wanna be real cops?
All right, well,
as per the mayor,
here is your new assignment.
Oh, I hate when he
says, "As per the mayor."
This is bullshit!
Get her out of my office.
Uh-oh.
Shut up!
Guys, sometimes you have
to do what you have to do.
Look, pigeon!
Shut up, Alvin!
We are not going in
there without protection.
This is not our
required equipment though.
The Mayor said we are the
face of the force.
Alvin, he's giving us guns.
Damn straight.
Listen, we are
about to enter one
of the most dangerous
places in America.
Anything can happen here
and to go in unarmed
would be suicide.
You guys got your game faces on?
Heck ya.
Yes!
Let's do this.
Do you know how bad
school was for me?
And me.
School is where most
lifetime psychosis is created.
Yeah, man, that's
why I became a cop,
to get even with
these douche bags.
I remember thinking, oh,
you pricks, if I had a gun.
I got better.
Went to the 10 year reunion,
everybody was all methy and
had these Walmart bodies.
I win.
Yeah, I loved school.
I was on track team,
volleyball, homecoming king,
debate team, gymnastics,
science club.
Oh, plus, I double teamed my
French and English teachers.
School was awesome!
Hey.
Little help here!
Call your English teacher.
Oh, aren't they just adorable!
They're police officers, ma'am.
Oh, come on, not really.
What do you want us to do?
Can the midget dance?
No, the midget can't dance.
But it can punch you in the box!
Oh my.
Sorry, she's a
little bit grumpy.
She was up late last
night making shoes.
Yeah, and my Cabbage Patch
underwear keeps riding up.
Okay.
I'll just introduce you.
Garrett, this is
bull, bull, bull...
I know!
Look, guys, just be
good cops, all right?
We'll go out there,
inspire the kids,
tell them to say no to
drugs and pedophiles,
and then we'll get drunk
and find a strip club, okay?
Yeah.
All right.
Kids, I know you're
eagerly anticipating,
so without further waiting,
I'd like to introduce some
of Los Angeles's finest
special officers.
Hey kids!
Uh, my name's Detective Fowler.
I'd like to introduce
you to the Special Unit
of the Los Angles
Police Department.
We are a team.
Let's hear it for Mac.
All right, yeah...
Follow that, Stretch.
All right, now,
let's meet our Special
Officer Sophie!
Watch this, little bitches.
Ta-da!
So now, let's
welcome Officer Morgan.
Alvin, give me your gun.
Okay.
No, no, no, no, give me the gun.
I got this.
Hi Kids.
Guns aren't cool.
They're awesome!
But you have to know
what you're doing.
Susie!
Michael!
We're going to Disney Land!
And your mother's
not coming with us!
Alvin.
Hello.
I know everything
in the whole world.
Oh yeah?
How about 5,842 times 280?
1,635,760.
We are trained professionals.
So, kids, don't do this at home.
Do it in the field.
Away from your parents.
Would you like to
see Alvin shoot
an apple off our boss's head?
Bite me, you big,
gimpy spaz ball..
He never misses.
So, uh, you're not gonna
shoot a gun in here, right?
Shoot it, shoot it...
Uh.
Uh, the bullets are
actually school-approved.
Shoot it, shoot it...
Use my gun.
I trust it.
Shoot it, shoot it, shoot it,
shoot it, shoot it, shoot
it, shoot it, shoot it,
shoot it, shoot it, shoot
it, shoot it, shoot it,
shoot it, shoot it, shoot
it, shoot it, shoot it,
shoot it, shoot it, shoot...
Guys, give it up
for the Special Unit!
She loves the men's
choir at the church,
especially the baritones!
Kids, we're going some
place, to Disney Land!
Someone's shooting!
I've got this.
Kids, lockdown drill!
Now!
Well, thank God we're not
destroying their innocence.
Morgan, call it in.
This is Officer Morgan.
We, we have a, a, a, a, have
a shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo...
Give me that!
It's Officer Garrett Fowler.
We have a 246 at the Anne
Frank Elementary School.
Send SWAT, send a helicopter,
everything you got.
Learn to speak English.
See Mickey and Minnie,
and we'll say hello to Goofy.
And she doesn't love me anymore.
That's what she said.
Susie!
Michael!
Dad?
That's your dad?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Mac, take care of them.
Mike, Susie, get over here.
It's Michael, not Mike.
Get over here now!
Mom and dad are
getting divorced.
It's okay, don't worry.
We got this.
Kids, get on stage now!
Get on stage now!
Go, go!
He's coming down the hallway.
Come on, come on,
come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
Close the curtains now!
My finger!
Now they won't let me...
As for you, scumbag...
No!
Ow, my finger!
It's okay.
It's okay.
You know, my parents
were together 40 years?
But this is good too.
All right, Mac,
get them outta here.
Let's go, guys.
What about the other keh, kids?
This could scar them forever.
I got it.
And that, kids, is
why you should always,
always, question everything.
The world is a place
that will look you
in the face and lie to you.
It'll tell you, "Everything is
safe," when nothing ever is.
So pay attention.
Trust no one.
And maybe, just maybe,
you won't get shivved
in a gas station bathroom
before you're 30.
Got it?
Oh, no way.
Take that.
Hello, Captain.
Live ammo?
In a school?
Sir, they stopped the shooter.
You are fired!
You're fired!
Captain, nobody even got hurt.
Would you be happy if
somebody got killed?
Fowler, you're a disease.
You're like human Ebola!
You know, when you're around,
people's eyes bleed and
their bowels liquefy!
You know what? You know what?
I'm happy because I
knew you would fail.
In my office,
tomorrow, 8:00 a.m.!
You're over!
Captain, wait!
God!
Ugh.
Could somebody please
get me an evidence bag?
What?!
Gun!
Alvin, wait.
Now, I'm going to poop on him.
Alvin!
Alvin!
Ah, ah, Alvin!
That is some good coffee, Alvin.
That is some gourmet shit.
I don't need you to tell me
how F-ing good my
coffee is, okay?
I know how good it is.
I'm the one who buys it.
Bonnie goes shopping,
she buys poop.
I buy the gourmet
expensive stuff
'cause when I drink
it, I wanna taste it.
But you know what's
on my mind right now?
It ain't the coffee
in my kitchen.
It's the dead
negro in my garage.
What the hell?
Alvin...
He's doing Pulp Fiction.
What?
Pulp Fiction, the kitchen
scene from Pulp Fiction.
Alvin, do you
remember everything?
Pulp Fiction, directed
by Quentin Tarantino,
shot in 1993, released in 1994.
Alvin's seen the movie once.
Watch.
Which wallet's yours?
It's the one that
says Bad Mother F-er.
That's amazing, Alvin.
That's my favorite movie.
Classic!
Open it up.
What?
Take it out, count it.
How much is in there?
Oh my god, he's still doing it.
Hey.
Alvin.
Here.
We're ruh, ready
to be real cops.
Yeah, no lying this time.
We want a real case, not
some publicity stunt.
Hey, hey, you're
doing so well right now.
Why won't we just keep
everything as it is?
I, I knew it.
Cool cop sold us out.
Cool.
Have you met me?
I can't sleep
unless I'm hammered.
I steal, I cheat, I lie,
I do what I have to do,
which is what you
guys should do.
You always take protection
money from drug dealers.
Once a conman, always a conman.
You know what?
I took a job with
the melon heads.
One of them can't
reach a high shelf.
Another one can't say a word
with the letter B in it.
Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh,
buh, buh, buh, buh, buh...
Stop.
Don't hurt yourself.
Another one can't
chase a bank robber
unless he's got ramp access.
And this one is just a violent,
fetish-having Wikipedia page.
You can't teach the
disabled to be cops.
Just wear your badges,
smile for the kids,
cash your checks, and shut up.
So it was a lie.
We were never gonna be cops?
Wow, you suck, sir.
I thought you were a
good guy, geh, Garrett.
You're a class A loser.
Garrett lies.
Hitler lied.
Okay.
I will talk to
the captain again.
And he'll say no again.
Get out of my home, melon heads.
Oh yeah, real cops,
badges and everything.
They're trained.
They'd be amazing undercover.
Nobody would ever suspect them!
Look at what they
did at that school!
I did tell you you
were fired, right?
You took unqualified rookie
cadets to a school shooting!
The school shooting came to us!
You fired live
rounds into a school!
That is Olympic level of stupid!
You are done, over,
and I am glad.
Give me your gun.
Oh.
Er, hi, sorry to bug you guys.
Margie, get out!
Okay, but Detective
Fowler needs to be
at a press conference
in five minutes!
It's the mayor's orders.
Okay, let's move our heinies!
I got to go see the mayor.
I want them in front
of the camera talking
about how great
this department is.
Hell no.
They're about to be
undercover detectives.
We can't put their
pictures on television.
That would be, that
would be retarded.
He's got a point, Mayor.
We can't do it.
If you were mayor, you'd do it.
You're right. I'd do it.
We can't do it!
I want those little spazzies
in the pressroom in five
or I will set you both on fire!
Give me 20.
Good afternoon, everyone.
Thank you for being here.
Um.
I am pleased to announce
that the definition
of police officer
has changed today.
These officers are in disguise
to hide their identities.
Now, police work has
gone to the next level.
It's Detective 2.0.
Now these officers, they
may be considered disabled,
but that word has
a broad definition.
Uh, being emotionally vacant,
lacking in morals,
lying, could all be
considered disabilities,
but these officers right here
stopped a school shooting.
They are capable of
anything a normal,
morally bankrupt, alcoholicky,
impotent officer is.
This is Michael Pace.
He's responsible for
the school shooting.
He is a father going
through a bitter divorce.
Now, breakups, as we
all know, can be hard
and sometimes make you
psychotic and stupid,
but he is undergoing
psychiatric evaluation,
which I think is a great idea
when you have
darkness in your soul.
So we are here to congratulate
and thank these
very brave officers.
And I am pleased to introduce
their training officer.
Give him a hand.
Hello.
Sorry for the disguises,
but we're trying to protect
the identities of our officers.
I'd like to take
the first question.
A lot of people are saying that
this is just a publicity tool.
Really?
You think it's a publicity tool?
Why don't you ask an officer,
who is actually in a wheelchair,
if it's a publicity tool?
Uh, do you mean a publicity tool
like the moon landing or gluten?
Then no.
Thank you very much.
Next question.
Who's the toughest one?
I mean, the most capable.
I mean, you know, the
least disabledlessness.
That, tha, tha,
tha, that would be me.
It was my idea
to go, go, go, go, go,
go, go,
go after the ta, ta, target
and my tea, tea, team
fuh, fuh, fuh, followed.
Uh, buh, buh, buh,
buh, buh, buh, bullshit.
This idiot would be
dead if I weren't there.
Huh, huh, huh,
huh, huh, huh, hey!
Knock it off!
Any other questions?
Obviously, there's
no team feeling yet,
but what does it feel like to be
the first disabled police squad?
How does it feel
to be a reporter
after the internet
killed your job?
Shut up!
No, you shut up!
Just shut it!
Just knock it off!
You guys got to stop!
Knock it off, you guys!
Yeah, the mayor's
right here, you idiots!
Hello!
Hello, hello.
Hello.
I'm Batman.
Oh shit.
First of all,
our nation cannot tolerate
discrimination of any kind.
That's why the Americans
with Disabilities Act is
so important and must
be honored everywhere.
It is a civil rights law
that's tearing down barriers.
Its purpose is to give
the disabled access
not only to buildings but to
every opportunity in society.
I strongly believe our nation
must give its full support
to the caregivers who
are helping people
with disabilities live
independent lives.
When we put our
minds to a problem,
we can usually find solutions.
But America has a tradition
many nations probably envy.
We frequently achieve
the impossible.
That's what got us from
one coast to another.
That's what got us the
largest economy in the world.
That's what got us to the moon.
President Roosevelt showed us
that a man who could barely
lift himself out of a wheelchair
could still lift a
nation out of despair.
And I believe it too, and
so does this administration.
The most important
principle FDR taught us:
America does not let its needy
citizens fend for themselves.
America is stronger when all
of us take care of all of us.
Giving new life to that ideal is
the challenge before us tonight.
I'm here to protect you.
Thank you very much.
I'm Batman.
That was the most touching thing
I've ever heard in my life.
Is there anymore questions?
Alvin.
What the hell was that?
That was incredible.
Brilliant.
Christopher Reeve's, Democratic
National Convention, 1996.
Superman couldn't walk.
That's brilliant!
You're touching me.
Uh, oh, oh!
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!
It's okay.
I won't poop on you.
Alvin, you got to promise me
you're not gonna read
Hustler magazine anymore.
Okay.
Alvin.
Great job.
Puh, puh, puh, puh, perfect!
Pretty impressive, dumb ass.
They just might keep
us around after all.
So, do we get to be cops now?
Fowler, in my office now.
I think that's a no.
This is bullshit!
Hey, Mayor!
Whatever you have to say, you
can say it to my partners.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Well, you little school
shooting stopping heroes,
you're going to go to every
school in my district.
You're gonna make that change
in every one of those
sweet little kids.
So more of the same do
nothing fake cop crap?
Garrett!
Yeah.
They stopped a mass shooting
and you wanna make them
clowns at kids' parties?
I can't risk them getting hurt.
That would be a public
relation nightmare for me.
For you?
Unless, Detective, you
would like to be fired
for bringing live weapons
into a gun-free zone.
What a buh, buh, buh, buh,
buh, buh, buh, buh, buh...
Stop.
Just finish it.
Bitch.
We earned our badges.
Yes, you did, and you
will wear them proudly.
In the schools.
She's right, guys.
We should just
proudly go back inside
and talk to all the reporters
and let them know how full
of shit our mayor really is.
Oh, watch it!
No, you watch it.
These guys did what only 3%
of the population could do.
They stopped a mass shooting.
They're cops.
They are my partners.
And I will walk
back in that room
and I will talk to any
reporter who'll listen
and tell them what the real
deal is with our mayor.
Or you can just give
them a real assignment.
Or we take to the press a story
about a condescending,
lying, deal-breaking mayor.
Who screwed over a bunch
of little disabled heroes.
Batman isn't needed here.
I love these guys.
Buh, buh, buh...
All right, fine!
Fine, you are real cops,
but you will dance
for your badges.
Oh, one more thing, you have
to take Garrett to dinner.
What?
No!
It's not negotiable.
Fine.
Okay, Chick-fil-Loser, Tuesday.
And don't expect anything.
You either.
Really, guys?
You're listening
to KWRD The Word,
and coming up at
the top of the hour,
we have DJ Sully Stone who is
gonna be interviewing some
of Los Angeles's most
special Police Officers!
What we're gonna
do is we're just
kinda ease into this today.
I'm gonna talk to you all
about what it's like to be
an undercover cop in the
face of a disability.
Is that all right?
Sure.
Good. All right.
So let's go ahead and
put on our headsets.
All right, everyone good?
All right, let's get to it then.
Gonna count it down
in three, two...
All right!
You're tuned in to KWRD
The Word, all talk radio!
Sully in the house
with you here!
And Hoo-hoo!
Joining me in the studio today,
I have got an amazing group
of undercover police officers
and I have never seen
anything like this.
Mm, mm-mm!
Now they're cops, but I
feel like I just stepped
into a Final Fantasy video game!
I got my elf, my gargoyle,
my wizard on the
wheels, and a mutant!
Thank you.
What is it like to
be a police officer
and to serve the public?
Uh, it's great.
We get to do something no
one's ever done before.
And being the first disabled...
Yeah, that's what
I wanna talk about!
Do you prefer midget,
elf, or dwarf?
Actually...
I'm gonna hold that!
You're listening to KWRD
and we got the mutant cops!
This is Sully!
Oh my gosh, that
was great, guys.
Super opening.
Thank you.
My god, you look so gorgeous.
Relax, this is a
meal, not a future.
I'm sorry what I did to us.
I should never have done it.
I screwed up our relationship
and you were everything to me.
You were my princess,
you were my queen,
you were my Beyonce.
Garrett!
Again, this is
dinner, not foreplay.
I just wanted to
show my appreciation
for everything that you
did with the special ones.
You don't know
their names, do you?
Yes, I know their names.
Really?
Yes.
Okay, so you have Mac.
Mac.
Uh-huh, and then there's Morgan.
Morgan.
Uh-huh, and there's Sophie.
Sophie-ah.
Ah, and then there's Al...
Albert.
Alvin.
I never thought I'd be
sitting across from you again
unless it was at my execution.
And I didn't think I
would say this either,
but I wanna thank you for
giving me this assignment,
job, whatever you
wanna call it 'cause,
have to be honest, those
guys, they're pretty amazing.
So you're telling me the word
retard is offensive to you?
Only if used as an insult, like,
"I think the way you talk
on the radio is retarded,"
the way you think of
disabled people is retarded,
so hence, you would be a retard.
You are not sounding
like this city's tiny,
little disabled heroes, hmm?
Nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh...
Let me get this straight,
you guys think retard is
the same as the N-word?
Actually, if you've
read your history,
you would know that the US has
never enslaved disabled people.
And they never would.
What about the Special Olympics?
But it would have
made the competition
a lot more fierce, am I right?
You motherfuck...
We're gonna be back
right after this word
from our sponsors!
Phenomenal, guys.
Phenomenal.
I had it all, man.
I had the golden
boobs and I blew it.
Goose.
Golden goose.
What'd I say?
Boobs.
That too.
And I know that you
gave me this job
because you wanted me to screw
it up so you could fire me.
You were right to think that.
I should've been fired.
Garrett, what is this?
It's the man I became
after the best thing
in my life left.
Garrett, these are drug dealers.
Top guys.
And the numbers next to them
are what they paid
me for protection.
How long have you
been doing this?
Long enough to do time.
A lot of it.
And hey, I'll do it.
But I want you to promise
to make them real cops.
Real cops, that's all
the way want, Tara.
They just wanna be cops.
I can't even remember when
that was enough for me.
So if you'll do that,
I'll take the heat,
then I'll get out of your life.
What kind of dumb
ass keeps records
of his criminal activity?
The little heroes
put it together!
And I still have an out.
I would just say I was
long-term deep undercover
and then when the records
came out, that would just be
reasonable doubt.
Reasonable doubt.
There's my little prosecutor.
But I'm not gonna
cover my ass anymore.
Burn this.
No, I'm coming clean!
Do you have any
idea what I had to do
to become mayor of Van Nuys?
Well, some of it
involves my boobs!
Hi.
Look, I just want
you to know I'm sorry.
God!
Stop saying that or I
will vomit right here!
Are you done with this?
Yes.
Yes, I promise.
I called them and I told them.
I'm a real cop again.
Come on, I'm a real cop again.
Let's go to a movie
and get some popcorn
like we used to.
I will get the car.
Okay.
And I will get the check.
Isn't this nothing
but a publicity ploy
by the mayor to get more votes?
Wow, how insightful.
Don't you usually
interview strippers?
Actually, no, your mom
hasn't been in recently, ha!
Hey, you better
listen up here, gimpy,
I got two million listeners
and an attitude like
that's gonna get you hurt.
Morgan.
Alvin, no, no, no.
Caller, you're on the air.
What do you got for me?
This is a
question for the midget.
Really?
Listen, is
Santa an asshole or not?
That's a good question.
And also, do they get medical
in the Lollipop Guild?
Alvin, now!
We'll buh, buh, be
right Ba, Ba, back.
Open the door!
Oh, Tara, this radio
douche bag is really a...
What?
Okay, where are you?
Okay, we'll be there
in just a second.
We got to go!
Blood on the ground.
Size 13 shoe print.
Tire tracks.
He was knocked
out by a big dude.
They took his car.
He had kale and goat cheese.
If we can get the camera
feed, we can see who took him.
New security cameras
are wireless.
Easily hacked.
Well, if you're me.
That's his car.
Who the hell is that?
I don't know. I'm
gonna track him.
How?
The watch I gave
him has a GPS locator
and a short-range
Bluetooth microphone.
Wow.
What else can it do?
It's also a watch.
Wow.
Yeah, I also have
cameras at his apartment.
If you don't watch
everybody, you can get...
Can we please just
go find Garrett?
Yeah, let's find Garrett.
You're undercover
and you actually wear
a Van Nuys PD T-shirt?
All my white ones
got puke on them.
You protect these guys?
You give them information,
but you try and bust me?
I still have to be a cop, right?
Someone has to go down.
You're the new guy, you get
the winning lottery ticket.
Ugh.
And now you think
you're not gonna
help us anymore, ese?
No more protection from
Detective Garrett Fowler?
No way.
We own you, homes.
Julio, with your credit rating,
you really can't own anything.
God!
We're not gonna
let you, homes.
Hm!
You're our inside guy.
We need you.
You keep helping
us, or you'll end up
like those two cops I
buried up in Barstow.
Huh?
Garrett, we've been
friends a long time.
Why you never not wanna
be my friend no more now?
I think we can all
agree it's your grammar.
Okay. You got to gun?
Nuh, nuh, no.
Good.
I got a nuh, knife.
All right.
Is that a new shotgun?
Yeah.
Full assault.
Twice the load of my old one.
Sexy.
Night, night.
That was incredible.
How'd you do that?
Pressure points.
Uh-oh.
That was incredible.
Yeah.
What the hell is this?
You put everything
in here, puto?
Everything we ever did?
Everything we ever paid you for?
What kind of dumb
ass keeps records
of all his criminal
activity like this?
Once a cop, always a cop.
He was setting us up.
No.
It was a gift for my girlfriend.
Ex-girlfriend.
You gave your
girlfriend evidence
of our criminal activity?
You know, I thought if
I gave her the evidence,
then I would go to jail and
she would love me again.
Love is a fickle
mistress, homes.
I can say this, it was
good while it lasted, huh?
I remember when you called
me and you said we were over.
It hurt.
And you said you didn't
wanna see me anymore
and we should go
our separate ways.
And here I see
you with a folder.
A folder about us.
Go wash my car!
And for that, you die, cop!
Police!
Freeze!
Drop the weapons now!
Holy hell.
We heard gunshots!
Was that gunshots?
Kill them!
Not today!
Ow!
Goddammit, Morgan!
Sorry!
What is this?
Maybe he's not a cop!
LAPD, you are under arrest!
A cripple, a
midget, and whatever
the hell is wrong with him?
This is your backup, Fowler?
He doesn't even have a gun!
Fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh...
Shut up!
You're dead, gimp!
Alvin!
Their names are Mac,
Morgan, and Sophie.
My name is Alvin.
Nice to meet you.
Oh no!
Oh, now...
Now I'm pissed.
Alvin, if he moves, I want
you to shoot him in the eye.
I got it.
The left eye.
My left or his left?
Dealer's choice.
My left.
Well, Julio, looks like
you have four
attempted murder charges.
You're really
ambitious, aren't you?
Well all that evidence,
is evidence against you too.
I hope you're in the
cell next to me, puto.
Yeah, well, you'll
probably get your wish.
Hey, Fowler.
Finally feel like a real cop.
Yeah.
Me too.
LAPD!
All right, everybody, freeze.
Fowler!
Captain, what the
hell are you doing here?
Well, the mayor called.
What's going on?
Bad guys doing bad guy stuff.
This whole place is
just full of evidence.
So is that folder.
Get them outta here.
Uh, Captain, that's nothing.
That's just my evidence.
Oh yeah, sure looks like it is.
Hey, where the hell's Alvin?
I'm right here.
Alvin took those first three
guys out with Mac's help.
The two dead guys,
that was all Sophie.
This, I just got
stabbed in the shoulder.
And that was all, all me.
The hell is that smell?
And what is on his chest?
That's our calling card, sir.
That's our calling card.
You're kinda disgusting.
Yeah.
Oh, Fowler!
Oh.
Sir, there it is.
Thank you...
Fowler, do you know
when your faith
in God is renewed?
Not even a little bit.
When something happens
that you've been praying for.
Do you know what this is?
Sir, it's...
It's a 10-year prison sentence
for a cop who I knew was
dirty, but I couldn't prove it.
I've already called IA.
I might even put you
in custody tonight.
In fact, Garrett Fowler,
you have the right
to remain silent...
Captain, I need Detective
Garrett right now!
The mayor called an
emergency press conference.
Oh, Detective
Fowler's unavailable.
He's about to...
Ooh!
She told me to grab this!
Thanks!
I have to go see
the mayor again.
This city owes a big debt
to the officers behind me.
They stopped a
menace to the city.
Let's give them a big hand.
Now, these officers
stopped three drug dealers
that were terrorizing the city
of Van Nuys and its citizens.
Garrett Fowler has been working
this case for 10
years undercover.
The evidence is ironclad.
These criminals
are gonna go away
for a very, very long time.
Now, some criminals
never go to jail
for the horrible, horrible
things that they do,
but because of Detective
Fowler and his
partners,
Van Nuys is a safer
place to live.
Let's give them another hand.
Yes, he is the best.
Just gets better and
better everyday, right?
Yep, better everyday.
You two need to get a room.
Wuh, wuh, wuh, we are.
The underground bunkers are
placed around the country,
Denver Airport, under
Tesla Motors factory,
and Giant's Stadium.
Did they embed the
chip in your arm yet?
I cut mine out.
Here.
Okay.
Wait.
Wait, you can
check for yourself!
Women.
Can't live with them,
can't live without them.
Can't bake cookies with them.
Can't take them
to men's bathroom.
Hi Alvin.
Hi Margie Pretty.
Pretty's not my last name.
Yes, it is.
Wow.
I canceled my subscription
to Hustler magazine.
Okay. Okay.
Oh, hi!
We are just so proud of you.
Is it okay if my son says hi?
Hi, I'm Billy and I wanna
be a detective just like you!
And shoot bad guys!
Bang, bang, bang!
Gun!
What the hell?
You guys working
with Make-A-Wish now?
LAPD is a carnival freak show!
The worst!
Good job, officers.
Have a safe night.
The hell happened to the car?
I upgraded.
Badass.
Morgan.
Yeah?
You're driving.
Let's roll.
Oh.
Wait!
God, you idiot.
Car 723, officers are requesting
an investigative team.
2100, block of Hatteras,
cross street, Tujunga.
This is Officer Morgan.
We, we have a, ha, ha, ha, ha...
Give me that!
Pain inside my heart
Trouble stay on my mind
Everything falls apart
It's happening all the time
Living by Murphy's Law
Trying to have it all
Running from instant karma
Every man's bound to fall
Life is short,
the grind is long
Some of my very
best friends are gone
My hustle's strong,
my money's all spent
On buying bitches,
titties, and drugs and rent
Work a double shift
grind, I can't save a dime
My daughter needs
medicine I just can't afford
He's also naked, so basically,
he came after me
with two hammers.
You guys, I got to say
that after working
with you guys for four weeks,
I'm still pretty sure
you idiots are gonna get
me killed, but
I'm impressed.
Damn right, you are.
You should be.
Hello, what would you like?
I'm gonna have the
Baja Burrito and a Bud.
May I say, you are
a saint for working
with these kind of people.
Them and their kind,
they have every right
to be out in public,
no matter how bad
they creep people out, yeah.
So what will they have?
Fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh,
fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh,
fuh, fuh, fuh, fuh,
fuh, fuh, fuh...
Stop it!
Fuh...
Stop your tantrum right now!
You guys, I am tired
of your tantrums.
I will not have you
guys destroy this place.
Destroy?
Yeah, I take them on
these trips all the time
to get them out in
public so they don't act
like those people like you said.
I know what you're
talking about.
And they have
trashed every place
I have taken them to,
and I am tired of it!
This is a very,
very, very nice lady,
and she does not need a bunch of
gimps
messing her place up!
Oh my.
Do you got it?
Can you stop it?
Well, as long as you don't
use their trigger word.
What is it?
Starts with an R
and ends with a D.
All right, and D, R and D.
Oh, retard.
You said it. You said it.
Why'd you say it? Don't say it!
No. No, please.
Please, no. Please.
Oh! No!
No, please!
No, please stop!
Oh!
No! Oh!
No, please!
Please, no!
Our kind are so unpredictable!
Apologies for our rude behavior.
We were a, a, atrocious.
Sorry.
Yeah, I know that everybody left
and they probably didn't tip.
So this, all of it, is for you.
Sorry you had to deal
with those people.
You!
You don't deserve
your own Olympics!