Speechless (1994) Movie Script
,, the issue of development,
With only four weeks left to election day,
both candidates for
New Mexico's senate seat,
former congressman Lloyd Wannamaker
and Eepublican Eay Garvin,,,
Gentlemen, place your bets.
Ten bucks he says
these guys will "sway" the voters.
- Nope. He'll say "woo".
- "Entice".
,, all this in an effort
to woo the state's undecided voters,
Thank you. Uh, no cheques, please.
I need those stats. I can't write him
a speech that says "Take my word for it".
- Thanks.
- Hello, Julia.
Larry, Curly, Moe. I see you wimped out
on the anti-development piece.
- What?
- Page ten, next to the crossword puzzle?
- Mr Ventura.
- How's the school-aid speech?
We can make a difference for these kids,
if Lloyd gets behind it.
Good, but we must find a hotter button
to give the campaign a boost.
- OK. Let me work on a few things.
- Write a speech for Mrs Wannamaker.
- Mrs Wannamaker?
- She's addressing the Historical Society.
The topic: Pioneer suffragettes.
Here's your research. Thank you, dear.
Can you send ten copies
of this up to my room?
- Sorry.
- Pete! Hey, Pete!
Yeah, hon, over here.
Hi. You have a reservation for me?
- You're...?
- Eastwood. Clint Eastwood.
- Are you gonna give me your name?
- No, I'm kidding. Kevin Vallick.
- Are you with one of the campaigns?
- I just got hired to write some speeches.
See if I can't turn this baby around,
know what I mean?
- Which candidate, sir?
- Uh, you know, uh... whatshisname.
Uh... Come on, help me out here.
- Republican or Democrat?
- Republican.
- Garvin.
- Garvin! That's him, yeah. Yeah, Garvin.
Second floor. Elevator's right behind you.
- Nice, quiet room, right?
- Very quiet.
- Dark?
- Dark.
- Soft mattress?
- Softest we've got.
- Real big one?
- The biggest we've got.
Cos I cover a lot of territory on a mattress,
you know what I mean?
And I don't want you
sneakin' up there and botherin' me.
Wait. Can you...? Hold on.
- Oh!
- Hi.
- Wish I didn't need it.
- Yeah.
My kid has this cough.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Let me see that a second.
I don't think these are for kids.
These are... No, they're not.
In fact, they're not even for coughs.
No, I know that. I realise that. It's for me.
His cough is keeping me awake.
This is a tough call, cos my grandmother
just came through some surgery,
and, uh, she... she can't sleep.
Really? How awful. What kind?
What kind? Extensive.
It was really, uh... extensive.
She had some liposuction work done.
I know. I said to her
"Grandmother, you know, you're 80."
"It's not like they're
beating down your door."
But she's vain. So...
- I'll give...
- Can we split it?
You want to split it? Perfect.
Let's go over it again.
Here's how the black-hole theory works.
Don't patronise me. I'm not patronising
you. I'm trying to teach you something.
Then be patient.
Our unemployment cheques are here,
so maybe if we put them together,,,
Yeah, right, $280 and 85 cents, plus,,,
$33 million and 55 cents,
Eddie! They made a mistake,
You gotta give the money back,
- (slams door)
- (waitress keeps snoring)
- Hey.
- Hi.
Hi.
- How's the kid?
- Oh, it's sad, really.
He was abducted by aliens.
How's Grandma?
Sore. But I gotta say,
her thighs look great.
- Sorry. I just dozed off. There you go.
- Thank you very much.
Hey. Excuse me, ma'am.
Could you turn this up?
Uh-huh.
- I just hate 'em! I hate 'em!
- Hey!
- Wait. You gotta be kidding.
- You don't like this show?
- It's crap!
- I wrote for this show.
No, I did. I... I used to write for this show
for... for a couple of years.
Oh, well, I shouldn't say.
I never really watched a whole one.
It's OK. No, it's all right. Really.
You probably watch PBS.
- Oh! Oh!
- ,, the ditch that divided New Mexico,
Is the ditch a blight? Is there a better way
to stop illegal immigration?
- What is this?
- The Mexico Ditch.
- Oh.
- It's to keep out illegal aliens.
It's completely barbaric,
but Garvin is for it, of course.
- You don't like Garvin?
- Republican simpleton.
- You like him?
- Better than the other guy. Wannamaker.
At least he doesn't hang around
with junk-bond kings with slush funds.
I just prefer him over some
tax-and-spend, knee-jerk liberal is all.
- Let's drop it.
- Good idea.
Good idea. You know what?
It's our first fight.
It's OK. It had to happ...
Sorry.
- Let me know when I'm charming you.
- Oh, just a few more moves like that.
Pie?
You like breakfast burritos?
I know this place across the border.
- Takes 35 minutes.
- We just had pie.
- They're really good burritos.
- Mom told me never to go with strangers.
- We'll pick her up. Where's she live?
- Rhode Island.
All right. 45 minutes.
We'll put her in the back.
Get your motor running
Head out on the highway
Looking for adventure
in whatever comes our way
Best cure for insomnia? Hot laundry.
Take all your laundry fresh out of
the dryer and pile it all on top of you.
Now, if you really wanna sleep,
you take some Fresca, you beat in three
raw eggs, touch of cayenne pepper.
I tried it.
Ha! I'm kidding.
So, uh, what do you do, Julia?
- I write, too.
- Are you a reporter?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I saw your, uh, press badge
on your bag here.
- Oh, uh-huh.
- I'm very observant.
So who's "R Freed"?
Fasten your seat belt.
- You always drive this fast?
- No. This fast.
- Hey, Julia. Are you divorced?
- Hm?
- Well, you got a tan line there.
- Oh. Long engagement.
Oh. It's over?
Yep. Very boring. Not of interest.
("Big Girls Don't Cry")
- Hey, what's wrong with that?
- Wait, wait, wait.
I'm celebrating my second anniversary.
Of my divorce.
Oh.
Yeah, very boring. Not of interest.
- Would you please find a station?
- I'm looking for a song.
Our song, if you must know.
So, we've graduated to "our", have we?
About two hours ago. I wish you'd
keep up, Julia, if this is gonna work.
- Figured it out?
- Yeah.
Oh.
So, whaddaya think? You know, us.
- Do you think we have a future together?
- Pff.
Good. Me too.
A que lejos queda el carro?
- Como unos diez minutos,
- Gracias,
- What'd he say?
- He said about another ten minutes.
- You don't speak Spanish?
- Uh-uh.
A very romantic language.
Necesito una toalla,
- That's pretty. What's that mean?
- "May I have a towel?"
Oh. Be still, my beating heart.
You gotta love the language.
- Is that cologne?
- Black Flag. Great aftershave.
You know, it's manly,
and as you can see, not a bug in sight.
- What do you think?
- Not bad.
("No se tu" by Luis Miguel on radio)
- Breakfast?
- Most important meal of the day.
,, que me diste
Y el momento
que con besos construiste
No se tu
Pero yo te busco en cada amanecer
Mis deseos no los puedo contener
En las noches cuando duermo
Si de insomnio, yo me enfermo
Thank you.
Me haces falta, muchas falta
No se tu
Well...
You know...
I mean...
("All Shook Up" by Elvis Presley)
- The seat belt...
- All right?
I'm in love
I'm all shook up
Ow. The handbrake.
Well my hands are shaky
and my knees are weak
I can't seem to stand
on my own two feet
- The car. We're rolling.
- Oh, I know.
The clutch.
- Just show me where your clutch is.
- On the car.
My tongue gets tied when I try to speak
My insides shake like a leaf on a tree
There's only one cure
for this body of mine
That's to have that girl that I love so fine
She touched my hand
and what a chill I got
Her lips are like a volcano that's hot
I'm proud to say that she's my buttercup
I'm in love
I'm all shook up
- Ouch!
- Hi.
Good morning.
- This is, um...
- Kevin.
- Dan.
- Nice to meet you.
- Kevin's a sitcom writer.
- Yeah. I write for, uh... I write for sitcoms.
It's nice to meet you.
Here's today's schedule, Julia.
- I'll see you inside.
- Great. Thanks.
- Who's that? Your boss?
- Oh, it's like being caught by your dad.
- It's bad enough they patronise me.
- You know what to do?
You're full of advice, aren't you?
Best thing to do, when people
try to patronise you, is yell. Shout.
Let me put it on. Really.
Speak louder than they do.
They're trying to see if you'll wimp out.
Just raise your voice a little bit.
Try it. Let me know tonight how it works.
I mean, we never got
those breakfast burritos.
- What time?
- Eight.
- My hair's a mess.
- It's perfect.
- Eight o'clock, in the lobby?
- Out here.
(photographer #1) That's good.
(photographer #2) That's it. More smiles.
- Oh, my stomach.
- Whew. Campaign food, huh?
- Mm. Watch the fish.
- It's too late. Good luck.
It needs a touch-up, Lee.
Unacceptable, Annette.
- Piece of shit, Kev.
- 12,999, and there's an even 13,000.
- Not bad. How are you?
- That's why I fired him.
See what you can do with it.
Give it some humour, some heart.
- You didn't sleep last night.
- Ah, you know me.
Solid ten minutes, I'm good for the day.
Thanks for doin' this.
Comin' out at the last minute.
I know how you swore off
this campaign stuff.
Hey, don't worry about it.
I owed you one.
Hey, uh, where's he givin' this thing?
- The barrio, three o'clock.
- What's this, uh... what's this ditch issue?
- The Mexico Ditch? Why?
- Some reporter told me about it.
It's a sore point
with the Hispanic community.
Our guy's for it.
Don't bring it up in the barrio.
- I bet our opponent does.
- Spin it our way, Garvin'll love ya.
- Hey, you think this guy's any good?
- Of course he is. He's better than good.
Would I have called you
if he wasn't good? What reporter?
- Just some reporter.
- What's her name?
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Listen, Kev.
It's a cutthroat campaign here.
Don't do anything stupid.
And for God's sake,
don't mix with the enemy.
Smile. Great, great.
Just one more. One more.
- That's enough!
- Let's keep up the good work.
- Mike, I have an idea for today's speech.
- Not now.
- The Mexico Ditch. Time to attack.
- Listen, we have been over this.
I am the press secretary. I make
the policy decisions. Is that all, dear?
(shouts) No, it's not!
- Excuse me?
- Firstly, the name is Julia, not "dear".
Secondly, I don't like
being patronised, Mr Kratz.
I'm not patronising you, de...
- Why are you talking so loud?
- I am the speechwriter.
I have ten years' experience.
And if you think I can't handle it,
let's talk to the campaign manager.
Walk with me.
Wannamaker attacks on the Mexico Ditch.
We hold his statement till four.
Garvin can't hit back till tomorrow.
And guess where he's speaking today?
- The barrio.
- That's good. I'll try to get that approved.
And next time, don't be so angry.
We're in this together, don't forget.
Oh. So, good, he could say
something in Spanish, maybe?
- What's the name of this town?
- San Jose.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Who are you?
- I'm the new guy.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Everyone, this is Kevin Vallick,
our new speechwriter.
He worked on the Tobin campaign
in '84, remember?
Fresh from Hollywood.
He wrote Chuck and Eddie,
- Oh, I love that show!
- Thanks. OK, now, listen.
This town, San Jose.
Is there a local hero?
Anybody save anybody from drowning?
- Yeah, there's a spelling-bee winner.
- Girl or boy?
- Girl.
- Perfect, perfect.
OK, let's do this. Put her
up on the stand with Garvin,
and he will say
"I'd like to introduce someone to you."
Someone who makes me
proud to be an American.
This young lady is
the state spelling-bee champion.
Let's talk about Garvin's
record on immigration.
"I've a spotless record on Mexican..."
"My opponent says
he's a friend of minorities."
My opponent claims
that he is a friend to minorities.
- Yes, good, good.
- "But actions speak louder than words."
But anyone can speak words.
Acting actions, that's the important thing.
My opponent claims...
"Insecure friends...
soon become enemies."
Insecure enemies are soon at war.
Now, this ditch...
"...that separates the two great countries
of Mexico and America..."
...it's really an act of friendship.
- Talk about the economics...
- No, it's a moral issue.
OK. "It rebuilds the Berlin Wall, brick
by brick. So I must ask my opponent..."
...torn down in Germany,
rebuilt in America?
- That's the sound bite.
- It's a step backwards,
- "Good fences make good neighbours."
- "The beginning of a new intolerance."
It is the American Wall.
I call it... the Friendship Ditch.
Maricon!
You know, you're gonna get
a sound bite outta this.
Yeah, well, we'll find out at five.
It's the Channel Seven Action News
with Doris Wind,
- Lead story?
- If the Martians haven't landed in Taos.
- Please, please.
- Good evening, Our top story tonight,
It was day two in the desperate struggle
of one small bear cub to stay alive,
- Teddy, a cub beloved by millions,
- Get outta here with this bear.
- How can he be the lead story?
- Excuse me, can you try Channel Two?
,, at the bottom of a water well
in the Albuquerque zoo,
- In what is turning into,,,
- Look, it's the bear again.
Oh, my God. Every channel
is covering this story?
,, as we enter day two of Bear Watch,
Well, take a gun and put
the little shit out of his misery.
Good idea.
- Even the youngest of bears,,,
- This bear is everywhere.
The bear and the...
Now we're getting dancing bears.
Oh, this is really lovely. I'm really pleased.
- That's real cute.
- Yeah, look, the top hat, the cape.
- Unbelievable.
- I'm gonna grab my phone.
- Hello.
- Hi. You out of breath?
Oh, hey. How you doin'? Yeah, well,
you know, 45 minutes on the StairMaster.
- About tonight...
- You're cancelling,
Why? Cos I ran out of gas?
I don't normally do that.
We really oughta move past
the gas gauge thing, cos that's shallow.
- We're deeper than that,
- Shut up.
Let's make it midnight, OK?
Is that too late?
Whew. You kidding? Midnight.
I just wake up at midnight.
Me too.
- Oh! It worked.
- Good. Good. What worked?
My boss. He thought
I was gonna explode.
Oh-oh-oh-oh, yeah, the...
See? I told you. I told you.
That's great. The more
intimidating you are, the better.
I might be outta line,
but can I make a suggestion?
Tattoo. Really mean-Iooking tattoo.
You should get one.
My old boyfriend had a tattoo.
On the inside of his lip.
- I'm sorry?
- Know what it said?
Uh... Oh, boy. "How am I driving?
Call 1-800" and then a number?
Did he have a really big lip?
Was it Mick Jagger?
- Come on!
- Oh! Gotta go.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, me too. OK.
Look, uh... So, tonight then, right?
- Midnight.
- Yeah, midnight. Bye.
,, more and more, the fate
of animals means less and less,
Oh, put some pants on that bear!
Meanwhile, Teddy's mother, Big Bertha,
waits for some word,
any word, of Teddy's fate,
- Back to you in the studio,
- They're killin' us with this stuff.
- ,, politics as usual,
- OK, here we go.
With the election only 30 days away,
both candidates vying for the vacant seat
argued the merits of
the so-called Friendship Ditch,
Friendship what?!
Yes! Dr Spin!
- Whew!
- ,, denounced by Lloyd Wannamaker,
- Torn down in Germany,,,
- Sound bite! Yes!
That's it. No more bets.
No more bets? How am I gonna get
my beer money, fellas?
But New Mexico business tycoon Eay
Garvin defended the Friendship Ditch,,,
Friendship what?!
,, the Friendship Ditch ensures
our security, it ensures our friendship,
They had to know
we were attacking the ditch.
Friendship what?!
Our resident genius.
- Great speech, Kevin.
- Thanks.
Oh, there's a career seminar
at Mesa Junior High tonight.
- They wanna hear from our speechwriter.
- Whoa. Gee, I can't tonight.
- I got something really important to do.
- Well, you'll be done by eight.
Why? Seeing your reporter?
No way. Uh-uh. I took your advice on that.
I'll give a short introduction,
then let you two start.
- I'm sorry? Two?
- Uh, she's a bit late.
- Mr Wannamaker's speechwriter.
- Oh.
- You're fine with that?
- Oh, sure.
Oh, here she is. Meet Mr Wannamaker's
speechwriter, Julia Mann.
And, uh, Mr Garvin's speechwriter,
Kevin Vallick.
- Have you two met already?
- Yes.
- No.
- No. I'm sorry, I thought she was...
she was somebody I knew.
A reporter, actually.
Why don't we get started? Uh, Miss Mann,
could you come sit over here?
People! People! Calm down.
Take your seats.
Now I'm sure we've all heard the horror
stories about politics and politicians.
Well, Mr Vallick and Miss Mann
were nice enough
to take time out from their busy schedule
to show us
there is a human side to politics.
Maybe we'd better start
with questions. Anyone?
Mm-hm?
I was interested in politics,
but my dad said that only liars go into it.
- Bobby, I don't...
- I can respond to that.
Most people in politics aren't liars.
It's only the opportunistic ones from
other fields, let's say TV comedy writing,
the last stop of the untalented,
who turn into liars.
- I see.
- Oh, and hacks.
(nervous giggle)
Well, maybe Mr Vallick could
offer us a different perspective.
Bobby? Yeah. Hey, there are frauds
in politics, sure. But you know what?
There are also some passionate,
seemingly idealistic individuals...
- That's very encouraging.
...who turn out only later to be frauds.
Any... other... questions?
Is there much interaction
between the two campaigns?
Between Democrats and Republicans?
Ah, I think this is your area.
Uh, it's discouraged
for campaigns to socialise.
If one speechwriter were to date another,
they might reveal something
about the campaign.
Some campaigns have spies
for just this purpose,
to pursue someone
on the other campaign, to seduce her...
- Or him.
...and try to find out her secrets.
On the other hand, sometimes people
have a tendency to get "paranoid".
And just because someone
seems interested in them,
that doesn't mean
they're after their secrets.
Still, it's not paranoid
to be suspicious of, let's say,
a relationship that moves too fast,
a chance encounter that isn't chance.
- Or somebody lying about their work.
- Or asks too much about work.
Of course, a speechwriter could,
to use Miss... Sorry, I forgot your name.
- Mann.
- Yeah, right.
To use Ms Mann's example,
a speechwriter could protect herself...
- Or himself.
...from being compromised by not flirting.
You know, not sniffing around
like a cat in heat.
Or she might tell the other speechwriter
"Peddle your shit elsewhere, scumbag."
- I really think we ought to veer...
- Once the infiltrator,
or "slut-spy", for lack of a better word,
has been uncovered,
the other speechwriter's passion
for the campaign is renewed.
And he'll need it. If he's a has-been,
jumping from field to field
like a fuck-happy rabbit,
with an inadequacy
born of inexperience...
Or the lack of creativity
born of over-experience.
...he'll need motivation, especially against
someone who believes in her cause!
I'd like to thank both Mr Vallick and
Miss Mann for their illuminating words
about politics, the human side.
- You lied to me.
- You lied first.
- First? This isn't grade school.
- It is.
You used me. You took the Mexico Ditch!
You never even heard of it before!
Of course. I didn't realise
you had a copyright on a ditch.
- What other forces of nature are yours?
- I will keep this simple.
I. Me. This person in front of you. I do not.
Not. The international symbol for "no".
- I do not want you near me again!
- Hey. Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute.
- So are we still on for midnight?
- Ohh!
My opponent has accused me
of playing politics.
My opponent has accused me
of taking his issue -
his issue, the Friendship Ditch -
and using it for my own ends.
Perhaps he should warn me
of any of other issues that come up
that are strictly his!
Garvin continued to accuse Wannamaker
of using the Friendship Ditch,,,
And I wish Mr Garvin would treat
this process with some dignity!
With only three weeks left
until the election,
why can't he decide whether he wants
to be a candidate or a businessman?
Why doesn't he stop jumping from field
to field like some slaphappy rabbit?
Come on, Mr Garvin, Why are you treating
this campaign like some slick sitcom,
with sound bites
worthy of a Hollywood hack?
That's why I'm travelling across
this great state of New Mexico,
- To hear your concerns,
- Let's go, guys. Go, go, go!
So goodbye, and God bless!
Move, move, move!
(man) Hey, Freed, man!
...balloon fiesta at four o'clock.
Great visuals.
Baghdad Bob? Slummin' it in local news?
Whew. Ah, I just follow the story.
- Come on. This isn't Iraq.
- Yeah, well, it's early yet. Excuse me.
- Hi there.
- Hi.
- Guess who.
- Oh!
- Bob.
- Hi.
- What are you doing here?
- You glad to see me?
Surprised to see me?
A little less than thrilled to see me?
What was the middle one?
- I'm just here on business, Jules.
- My God. Albuquerque's been invaded.
No, we're doing the Senate races.
Network sent me to cover New Mexico.
OK. I chose New Mexico.
It's a real interesting story.
- And getting more interesting.
- Oh, hi there.
- It's a real honour.
- Well, thank you very much.
I'm not sure how long
I'll be here with you guys.
Yes, Bob's a busy man. Busy, busy, busy.
Well, the congressman is free
for a minute, and he'd love to chat.
OK. Well, thanks. I'II...
I'll be there in a little while.
Oh, Jules, you look... You...
You know what? I think I'll just get this
out of the way and... be right back.
- I'll be right back, OK? We gotta talk.
- Right.
Oh, my God.
- Julia, bring those position papers!
- I got 'em.
Pete, hold your horses.
We'll be there in two seconds.
Get some cutaways of the balloons.
So, Jules, what's the story?
Oh, damn. What are they doing here?
Bob, I'm a little busy right now.
Yes, he's a beautiful baby.
Excuse me, we need to
step over here for a moment.
You know what this state needs?
More friggin' photo opportunities.
What about this Proctor? I heard
Garvin took a half-million-dollar bribe.
That's the rumour.
If you get proof, we can win with it.
- So when's the debate?
- Not set yet. Garvin's dragging his feet.
- Why'd you move out?
- No comment.
You didn't even leave me a note.
Two years.
Two years of watching... You know,
let's not get into this right now.
- No, wait. Say it.
- Bob, face it. You don't want a fiancee.
You want a fan club.
Well! Baghdad Bob.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
You too, sir.
We're having a little get-together
at my vacation home on Thursday.
- I'm... I... You know... Uh... Sorry.
- I would love it if...
Julia!
Time for happy hour with the press.
We're not sounding too good
on the debate issue.
- Garvin's dodging us.
- Absolutely. So hit 'em hard.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi, Julia.
- On this debate front...
- Is your guy backin' off?
No. Wannamaker's position
on the debate is clear. He wants one.
- But where's Garvin?
- Look, the debate is a non-issue.
- The real story is Garvin's cowardice.
...call Lloyd Wannamaker cowardly,
Excuse me?
Sorry, I was... I wasn't talking to you.
- No, I know. You were plagiarising me.
- I didn't even hear what you said.
Come on. You're standing
right behind me!
Obviously you're more conscious of me
than I am of you.
How can I not?
You're wearing a quart of cologne.
It's... it's aftershave, and it spilled.
I wouldn't put cologne on for a balloon...
God bless you! Vote on the 8th!
- Would you leave me alone, please?
- I'm on my way to my car.
Which, by the way, has a pinging sound
in it ever since you drove it, thank you.
Hey, there's...
What's that guy's name? Beijing Bob?
That's Bob Freed.
That's "R Freed"?
Wait a minute.
Nah. You and Mr Flak Jacket?
- Are you jealous?
- Why would I be jealous?
- It's so clear who you're interested in.
- Yeah, and getting clearer.
- Going my way?
- Come on. I'll give you a lift.
Thank you.
Hey!
Hey!
,, via ropes and pulleys,
And although no one's sure
if the young bear cub has
actually touched the meals,
one can only assume
that after several days,
a young bear cub would
have to be pretty hungry,
Is there any word yet, Jim,
on, uh, what the food consisted of?
Uh, yes, Doris, Some ham, some lettuce,
some onions and, uh, various cold cuts,
and - a strangely poignant touch - honey,
Yes, Very poignant, Thanks, Jim,
Wealthy businessman Alan Proctor
christened the Santa Fe racetrack,
The much-disputed gambling site is
half-owned by the reclusive tycoon,,,
My sympathies with labour run deep.
My sympathies with unions are strong.
Let me tell you
a little something about myself.
I come from a blue-collar background.
My dad worked for the Southern Pacific
ever since he came to this country.
I started working for the railroad when
I was 16 years old. Hard 12-hour days.
Picture the grime, the dirt,
the smell of sweat, the despair.
Can't you hear the whistle blowing?
Rise up... early in the morn!
Can't you hear the captain shouting
"Dinah, blow your horn"?
What?
Um... there's, uh,
someone in the kitchen with Dinah.
There's, uh, someone in the kitchen,
uh, I know.
Uh, yes, kitchen, uh, and, oh...
Let's talk about, uh,
something that I know, uh...
I know about the kitchen. My opponent
wants to keep the women in the kitchen.
Dinah, Alice, uh... whomever,
but I feel that this is un-American.
- Who? Who phoned?
- He said that he had approved changes.
Damn it! I want security tightened,
and if I find anyone - I mean anyone -
fraternising with the other side,
they are fired! What did he sound like?
(phone)
- Hello?
- Listen, you... listen, you...
Julia, hi! Gosh, it's nice to hear from you.
- My organiser! I want it back!
- I'm sorry, did you lose something?
I suppose you had nothing
to do with the TelePrompTer?
Julia, why is it always "me, me, me"?
What about my needs?
(knocking)
Promise me that you will get
some professional help.
Hey, little girl, is your daddy home?
Did he go and leave you all alone?
Or somethin' like that. You wanna go out?
Kev, this isn't cutting it.
It's supposed to be a friendly speech.
- Comfortable?
- Yeah.
"Wannamaker has run a sloppy,
inept and hostile campaign."
- Good.
- "He's incompetent, mean-spirited,
and out of touch with the voters."
- What's the problem?
- Where's the friendly?
Read the next line.
- "Still, he has the right to run"?
- There you go.
I don't... I don't understand wh...
- That's, uh...
- Wannamaker's staff.
Their campaign manager, Dan Ventura.
What happened to
mixing with the enemy?
- What are you doing?
- Huh? Oh, my... my back.
It helps it a lot if I crawl around
on the floor like this.
They're here to negotiate.
I'll introduce you.
No, that's OK.
So lighten up on the vitriol, Kev.
Wannamaker'll be backin' off soon
anyway. You know Julia Mann?
- Who?
- Campaignosaurus.
She's been on a dozen of 'em. Didn't you
meet her at that junior high thing?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, right. Julia Mann.
- We hear she's the one mixin' the mud.
My back. Helps it a lot if I can just,
you know, lean against something.
Whew, there you go.
Well, here's the thing. She doesn't know
it yet, but end of the week, she's out.
- What do you mean, "out"?
- They're replacing her.
Ever since the Friendship Ditch,
you've been kickin' her butt.
It's exciting to see, Kev.
What's doing it to you?
(knocking)
I'll explain later.
- Let's go.
- I'll be there in just a second.
OK. Great. We'll just go wait out here.
(microwave pings)
When I'm worried and I can't sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
I think about a nursery
and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them
as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings
instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep
Counting your blessings
(phone)
- Hello?
- Hello, Julia? I,,,
No se tu
Pero yo quisiera repetir
El cansancio que mi hiciste sentir
Con la noche que me diste
Y el momento
que con besos construiste
No se tu
Pero yo te he comenzado a extranar
En mi almohada no te dejo de pensar
(phone)
- What?!
- I need to know what that lip tattoo said,
- I can't believe you!
- I've stared at the ceiling for three hours.
- My little overachiever.
- Look, if I apologise, will you tell me?
OK? I'm sorry about the ditch,
but, you know, I really didn't know
you were with the other campaign,
so I didn't know that I was stealing.
And as far as the TelePrompTer goes,
well, hey, you know, I...
Boy, I... You know, that got outta hand.
You know, I'm a...
I got a comedy background,
and, uh, it was too good to pass up.
I got weak. I got weak, and I'm sorry.
It won't happen again. How's that?
- OK. Good night.
- "Good night." On the upper lip?
- No. Good night, Kevin,
- Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait,
Julia, listen to me for a second,
I've got to tell you something.
Go ahead.
Well... well, what are you doin' right now?
I mean, can you help me out for a sex?
Sec, Did I say sex? I meant sec.
Just for a second?
No! With what?
Uh... Pfft, damn car. Damn car problem.
(sports reporter) The problem with
the Broncos is they got no offensive line,
So... how you been?
The only reason I agreed to meet you is...
Why? Did you miss me?
...I'm engaged.
I wanted you to know, that's all.
Anyway, uh, what was it
you needed to tell me?
Uh, nothin'.
(honking)
- Hey. Car trouble?
- No. No, I'm fine.
Nice rental.
Did you see the, uh... the polls?
We're sliding.
Yeah, that's temporary.
We're gonna get him on that...
(Kratz) On the what?
The, uh... the thing we were talkin' about.
- What thing?
- The thing wi... uh... with the other thing?
What? The... What? What on earth...?
The... the fish? The porpoise?
The whale? The...
- Can we talk about this later?
- Oh...
Let's not talk about it now! OK?
Julia, is something wrong?
You're acting kinda unfocused lately.
- What? Unfocused. I... Wha...?
- Never mind. It's all right. We'll talk.
What? Uh, wh...
That's it, Kevin. You're on your own.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I've been thinkin' about what you...
Wait! Wait a second.
Look, congratulations on the engagement.
I mean it.
There. See? There's no reason
we can't be friends now.
- What? We're in a campaign!
- So? It...
What's the matter... Look at these hands.
You can't go back to the hotel like that.
OK, a framed picture of JFK
in the living room?
In the kitchen. You're good at this.
You bet. You probably graduated
near the top of your class.
- Uh, valedictorian.
- Ooh, very near.
And you were class clown, no doubt?
I was voted Most Likely
to Embarrass My Family.
- You would've hated me in high school.
- No, I would've avoided you.
- Did you always want to write sitcoms?
- No. I always wanted to write.
I was a speechwriter before,
then I found out
I believed in my words
more than the candidates did.
So I quit. You know,
sitcoms are depressing too,
but the money's a whole lot better.
- Hm. You're so funny.
- Why?
You're cynical on the outside,
but on the inside...
What? Not like Bob?
Is Bob warm and gushy on the inside?
Is that why you guys decided
to get engaged again?
We just need some time, that's all,
to, uh, fall in love again.
- What?
- Nothing.
- How come I don't trust you?
- You know, I honestly don't know.
- What the hell are you doing?
- Take your shoes off.
OK.
Hey, Julia.
What would you do if...
you weren't campaigning?
You know, what if you... if you were...
Well, what if you quit?
I won't quit. I spent ten years
on losing campaigns.
- Clinton made it, now it's my turn. Why?
- You want some advice, Julia?
You're a regular Dear Abby, aren't you?
Get in here. Put your feet in.
Your boy Wannamaker... He's a total stiff.
- Aiee! Hey!
- It warms up.
- Ohh.
- You have nice feet.
Thanks. Well, you know, I work out.
- Yours aren't so bad either.
- I like feet. They... reveal things.
Yeah. They say something
about somebody's personality.
- My advice, Julia?
- Hm?
Wannamaker needs a "ya-see-Timmy".
- A what?
- A "ya-see-Timmy".
At the end of every episode of Lassie,
Timmy's mom said "You see, Timmy..."
- And she'd teach him a lesson.
- I can't believe I'm listening to this.
It was always hopeful, it always had heart.
That's what his voters want.
They just wanna see if the guy's
got anything going on inside.
When? When does it get warmer?
Why are you telling me this?
It doesn't do you any good.
You're right.
I'm doing it because... I like you.
That, and... I know Wannamaker
can't pull it off anyway,
so I'm not really worried about it.
Boy, he doesn't get it. Campaigns
are about one thing only: Winning.
No, they're about changing the world.
I hate that. I hate how people
treat it like it's a game.
Like it's all some race,
with winners and losers.
What we do affects people.
And the people who'll do anything to win
do anything to keep on winning.
Why are you looking at me like that?
Cos I haven't heard anybody
talk like that in a long time.
You should run.
- Julia?
- What?
I wanna tear your clothes off.
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey, you...
- No!
All right! Truce! Truce!
All right, wait, wait, wait.
Really a truce this time.
All right? I mean it.
It's just immature and foolish.
Look, your hair's a mess.
- Julia?
- Don't. I know what you're gonna say.
- I can't.
- They're going to fire you on Friday.
(sighs)
Why do I do these things?
(TV) The president's note read "America
is proud of your courage and diligence,"
"All we can do now is pray,"
And that seems to sum up the mood
on this, day 15 of Bear Watch,
Michelle?
(Michelle) How have local children
reacted to Teddy's dilemma?
Child psychologist Lydia Stern,,,
At a certain point you don't worry about
the scuds any more. You just do the job.
Cos the audience has a right to know.
God, he's much sexier in person, huh?
So I've enjoyed these experiences
all over the world - Grenada, Belfast,
- lately in South Africa.
- I heard he was gay.
Oh, come on. He's engaged.
Well, he was whistling show tunes
in the elevator.
(hums "Just in Time" by Tony Bennett)
- Hey, top you off there?
- No, no. I can't drink that much.
- Can you do this? Here. Try it.
- Why?
I don't know. Haven't you ever done
anything just to do it?
- Like get a tattoo? You ever get a tattoo?
- Yeah, once.
- Where?
- Maui.
No, I mean... you know...
- Hey, d'you hear I'm gettin' married?
- Yeah, I heard.
- Yeah. Dumb move.
- Huh?
You don't really know that many
married people who are actually happy.
- What are you doin' it for?
- Oh, man. My life - I need some security.
Hey, you see that? Iraq. Shrapnel.
Wow.
See that? Guy threw up on me
once in a bar in Pittsburgh.
- Whew! Brutal.
- Yeah.
Hey, uh, let me run
something by you, Bob.
- You can call me Baggie.
- Really?
OK. Let me, uh...
let me run something by you, Baggie.
How 'bout a piece on Garvin's handlers?
You know, kind of a
behind-the-scenes kinda thing.
- Been done.
- Not like this. You could follow us around,
all day, all night. See how I write
a speech from beginning to end.
- What do you think?
- Interesting. What's the access?
Open. You know?
No closed doors. Day and night.
Spend all your time with me,
I don't... I don't care.
Call it "Handling of a Candidate"
or somethin'.
- Nah, I don't know.
- What? Don't like it?
To the end of the campaign? I made
a commitment to be with my fiancee.
What the hell, Baggie.
I mean, she'll understand.
What kind of woman would she be
if she didn't understand?
Damn. Got one of those
damn canker sores.
- Those are painful.
- Do you ever get them?
- Right up here? How 'bout down here?
- No.
- You have a lip tattoo?
- A lip tattoo?
- Oh, my God!
- We have to be able to put a spin on this.
- Oh, disaster!
- Channel Two.
We interrupt our regular broadcast
to bring you this special news flash,
On this, day 16 of Bear Watch,
Teddy has been safely rescued
from a well at the Albuquerque Zoo,
It was senatorial candidate
Lloyd Wannamaker
who was the first to pull
the bear cub to safety,
Wannamaker took time out
from his campaign
to dig with other concerned citizens,
Get back to me as soon as possible.
We're living a nightmare.
With other concerned citizens looking on,
Senate candidate Lloyd Wannamaker
was the first to pull
the exhausted cub to safety,
This bear is truly an inspiration,
He taught me that even when all is lost,
when the polls tell you
to throw in the towel,
there's always a light
at the end of the well! Huh?
- No more than three points, tops.
- Three points?
The guy just saved Winnie the Pooh,
and you say three points!
Why didn't you think of it, genius?
And you, too, Annette. He's your guy.
New Mexican tycoon Alan Proctor
was in the news again
with rumblings
from a Santa Fe grand jury,,,
Mr Vallick? For you.
- You won't believe it! You really won't!
- Julia, this is enemy territory.
- You'll get in trouble.
- I'm press secretary.
- You're kidding!
- No!
Wow, that's great! Good for you.
Let me ask you a question. The bear
thing. That was your idea, right?
Yes! They fired Kratz and they made me
press secretary. And I owe it all to you.
- No!
- Yes, because that idea and everything...
Anyway, I just... I wanted to thank you.
I wish there was some way
that I could repay you.
- But perhaps you'll accept a mint.
- A mint?
Yeah.
Well, a mint.
It was a lot of advice,
the number one news story.
Hang on. You're right.
And... some shampoo.
Oh, well, there you go. Mint and shampoo.
Done deal. And it's organic.
So what did, uh...
what did Bob say about all this?
Oh, I haven't told him yet.
Really? You came here first?
Yeah. Well, you know, you were closer.
Geographically.
I'm pretty close now, actually.
Geographically.
Anyway, I better go. Um...
- I have to go tell, uh...
- Bob.
- Yeah. Anyway, thank you.
- Sure.
You're a good friend, but I am
gonna kick your ass in November.
- Well, I wouldn't bet on that.
- Oh, I would bet on it if I were...
- Que,,, que, uh,,, que hacen aqui?
- Uh... Necesito una toalla,
Oh, look at that.
They were there all the time. Funny.
Thank you. See ya.
Don't feel bad, She didn't appreciate you,
So, yeah. It's a... behind-the-scenes thing.
"The Handling of a Candidate".
But the point is, I'll be with the campaign
24 hours a day from now till the election.
- You said we'd spend time together.
- Yes. I'm doing it on your campaign.
I'm doing it on you,
- What do you think, press secretary?
- I'll see if I can get it cleared.
- Hey, you want a little more?
- Yeah, thanks.
I think we are stuck together
for the rest of our lives, for all eternity!
I can't think of a more frightening idea,
Bob? Let's say you were
married for one year,
and your wife comes to you
and says "I met a man at a party."
"I slept with him. I promise it'll never
happen again. I still love only you."
What would you say?
Well, I'd say "Hey, you know, I love you
too. I won't pretend it doesn't hurt me,
but maybe we should just
get some counselling
and try to put the whole thing behind us."
- But you'd forgive her?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'd have to forgive her.
- OK?
- Yeah, sure.
Helen was too selfish for you,
You can't be selfish
and be a friend at the same time,
Friendship is about self-sacrifice,
Sacrifice is a two-way street, Like us,
"You see, Timmy"!
What? Timmy?
Honey, who's Timmy?
Con la noche que me diste
Y el momento
que con besos construiste
No se tu
Pero yo te he comenzado a extranar
En mi almohada no te dejo de pensar
- Hello?
- Another word for "misconstrued"?
What's the, uh, context?
"My position on education has been
misconstrued by my opponent."
"Has been, uh... distorted."
Great, Thanks,
I knew you wouldn't be sleeping,
Do you have a minute to talk?
Yeah. Sure, sure, sure. I was just,
uh, finishing a letter to, uh, your mom.
- Say "hi" for me,
- Sure will.
- Can we meet?
- Yeah.
Sure. Let's meet in about, uh, 20 minutes.
So, uh... how are you doin'? You and Bob.
- Notice I didn't say Baja Bob.
- Thanks. Um...
Uh, great. We're... He's great.
Good. Great in what way?
It's for your mom's letter.
You know, uh... generous. He fills
my room with roses. Stuff like that.
In fact, the thing
I needed to talk to you about...
Right.
See, I'm not sure that we shouldn't...
not see each other any more.
You're not sure we should, or...
you're sure that we should?
- I'm sure that we shouldn't.
- See each other?
Wait a minute. Didn't you call me?
Yes, right. I called you
because I needed to tell you
that we shouldn't
see each other any more.
Did we just enter another dimension?
Why do you keep meeting with me,
- to tell me that you can't meet with me?
- Because it doesn't make any sense.
My life doesn't make any sense.
We don't make any sense.
- Nothing makes any sense. I have to go.
- No, wait. Wait a minute.
- You just got here.
- I have to get up really early.
Bob is doing this
behind-the-scenes thing...
- Right. I know.
...on the campaign and me.
He... What?
Um, the days and nights
of a press secretary.
Right through till the election.
- "The Handling of a Candidate"?
- Yeah.
So, uh, we'll be spending a lot of time
together, and with his crew around...
Anyway, I'm engaged. OK?
And, yes, it is a trial engagement,
I'll give you that.
But still, I'm not being fair
to Bob if I'm here.
I know you'll say "But we're friends."
Maybe friendship
is an element in every relationship.
Is Bob my friend? I don't know.
But what I'm trying to say is...
I have to go.
Good evening. I'm Jim Rodriguez.
In a campaign that seemed to provide
more debate behind the scenes than in
front, it finally comes down to two men.
And though polls have Wannamaker
ahead, experts believe that Garvin
can only win tonight
with a clear knockout.
(Bob) The white bull. That's what
Hemingway called the blank page.
Every day the writer has to
look that bull right between the eyes,
with those dreaded words still looming:
"Deadline, deadline, deadline."
Good, like that. That's great.
Ba-bee-bee-bee, ba-ba-boo, ba-ba.
Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh.
Rik-tik-tik-tik-ting.
Ten tiny tots on the train tracks.
Ten tiny tots on the t-t...
You know, gotta keep the tongue loose.
Uh, guys, let's get a close-up on
the screen now, see how she's doin' here.
Oh, boy. You got a long way to go, huh?
- Something's been distracting you, Kev.
- I'm not distracted.
And it's costing us. Ever since the bear
they've been getting the better of you.
- Who has?
- Wannamaker.
- Oh, yeah.
- And I need that script for the infomercial.
All right, all right, all right.
What are you tryin' to do here?
- Ooh! Ow!
- God, Jules! You all right?
- Uh-huh.
- That was smart. Sweetheart?
- Oh, I'm fine.
- I'm gonna get you some ice for that.
With the debate now only moments away,
now the fight with nerves begins.
Like Grenada, 1983, with the airborne
division waiting for the night drop.
Good. Cut.
Oh, shoot. No, man,
I... I gotta get her the...
- Hello?
- One minute!
Hello?
Anybody home? Hey, Jules?
Hey, Jules, listen. I got a great idea.
I've been meaning to run this by you.
Bob, I'm a little busy right now.
How 'bout we put a camera on your head,
right? That way we can get your POV.
What do you think?
We gotta get you suited up.
I'm not walking around
with a camera mounted on my head.
Well, why not? Julie-cam. It's perfect.
Hey, is somethin' wrong?
Something's wrong, isn't it?
- Yes.
- What?
- I can't do this.
- Well, the camera's not that heavy.
It's lightweight, it's got fibre optics,
remote control. It's...
Oh, shit.
Is it Timmy?
All right, people, five-minute warning!
We're live in five!
God.
- Kevin, this is not a good time.
- I know. But listen. I...
What's on your eye?
What is that, a hickey?
- Yes. Yes, it's a hickey.
- Look, wait a minute. Julia.
I have only one thing to say to you.
- You can't marry Freed.
- Why?
Why? All right, I didn't
expect you to ask me that. Uh...
Wait a minute!
- How many minutes?
- Four.
- Julia, listen.
- Shh!
Julia. You can't marry Freed. Ask me why.
- Why?
- Because...
Julia,
every day I don't see you...
is painful to me.
Every day I can't
press my lips against yours...
I feel like I'm gonna die.
Better?
Oh, yeah.
Please... I really need to do this.
This is so crazy. We're gonna get fired.
- Dan! Hi!
- Hey!
- All right. Let me see.
- Is it gone?
Got it. She had a little piece
of spinach there we were trying to get.
Julia, drink a toast to Teddy for me.
- Thank you.
- Hi. Kevin, isn't it? Sitcom writer.
Exactly.
I was thinking about
what you said about running.
- You were heading off.
- I gotta get goin'.
No! No, don't leave.
Watch the debate from here.
I think I can make that happen. There's
a congressional seat up in Rhode Island.
- Three minutes!
- OK. Three minutes. Good.
- Think about it.
- Great. Thank... Oh, God.
- We gotta talk about this.
- Hey. Bob Freed.
- Have you met Kevin?
- Uh, yeah. Sure. We're drinking buddies.
- Since when?
- Kind of.
I heard about the behind-the-scenes thing,
Baggie. Great idea.
That was before Timmy.
- Jules is a lot like you. She writes for...
- Whoever pays the most!
- So what are you workin' on now, Kevin?
- Oh, good, everyone's here.
- OK. Everybody ready?
- Kevin was just telling us about his latest.
Yeah. He's a good writer.
It's shaping up great.
- You've read it?
- Of course.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I show
everything I write to Lee.
- Ah. What's it called?
- What's it called? Uh...
"Health Care Reform". "Show."
- It's the "Health Care Reform Show".
- Ten seconds!
- What is it, um, comedy? Drama?
- Uh, it's... it's a little of both.
- We got Florence Henderson lined up...
- Now is no time to play partisan politics.
- Cue music.
- Oh, look.
Good evening, and welcome to
the New Mexico Senatorial Debate,
I'm lan Campbell,
and I'll be your moderator,
Tonight will be
your one chance to examine
the men who hope to represent you for
the next six years in our nation's capital,
It is an important decision,
and one we hope you will take seriously
when you go to the polls
next week to cast your ballot,
(whispers) God, you smell great.
Let's get outta here.
- Yeah.
- I'll meet you outside.
You go first.
You have said that Garvin
has run a Hollywood-slick campaign,
- Kevin, where you goin'?
- Uh, you know what, I... I'll be...
I think I hear my car alarm out there.
Is that what that sound is?
It's really improved,
Oh. Hey. You know, I have to
just go call my mom, uh...
...to take her pills.
She falls down if she doesn't take them.
The... the not-falling-down pills.
,, but we raised the spirits of a state,
Let's get outta here.
- Ooh.
- What's that?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Let's go.
Did you do it on purpose?
From the Latin, "paranoia".
- Come here.
- I am so glad to be outta there.
By the way, I'm not marrying Bob.
- You're not?
- No.
I'm glad to see Mr Wannamaker
taking a more conciliatory tone,
Good choice.
I've made no bones about it, in fact, that
this has been an unnecessarily dirty,,,
,, wherever you park your car,,,
- America cannot be seduced,
- What's goin' on?
- America cannot be debauched,
- Wait. Wait.
,, has flames of fire in him, and has skin,,,
What's going on?
Somebody tell me what this is.
- My money's on Garvin.
- Has Wannamaker lost some weight?
(Tarzan yell)
I don't have to tell you who gets hurt
first when this sort of thing happens,
Me, Tarzan,
Jane, Tarzan, Jane, Tarzan, Jane,
(Tarzan yell)
- Ha!
- What?
Oh, yeah. Those were
my serial-killer years.
(snorts)
- Did you just snort?
- No.
Yes, you did. You laughed,
and then you snorted.
- (snorts)
- See?
There you go again. You're
snort-laughing. It's a common thing.
Actually coulda used a snort-laugh here.
Whoo! Such a bad attitude.
Oh, I hate when people say "Smile!"
- Yeah. Guess so.
- Hey, isn't this some...
- That's my ex-wife. Why's that in there?
- You're kidding! You and Annette?
I know. There's no explanation
for some things.
I don't understand it either.
Probably a lot like you and Bob.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- So what... what finally happened there?
- What ended it this time?
- The behind-the-scenes thing killed it.
Really?
- That's too bad.
- At least say it like you mean it.
OK. Let me try it.
Well, that's too bad. How's that?
- Kevin.
- Julia.
Say you've been married for a year,
and your wife says...
- Is this a test?
- Yes. "I met a man at a party,
I slept with him. I promise it'll never
happen again, and I still love only you."
- What would you do?
- I'd take her to a really romantic spot,
like a mountaintop, or a real pretty bridge,
or something like that,
and I'd push her off.
- You wouldn't forgive her.
- No. Well, maybe after the funeral.
What would you do?
- Same thing.
- My kinda girl.
Shall we speak
the unspoken language of love?
- You mean the kind only dogs can hear?
- Yes. The very same.
(barking and howling)
(knocking)
Kevin, open up!
Wake up, sleepyhead!
Kevin? Garvin is panicked.
Chuck and Eddie are already here
for this infomercial, and this script is shit!
There are the research materials. Fax
a new script by 6am, or you're fired!
The election's a week away. I'm tired of
you paying more attention to your reporter
than to your job!
Kevin. Kevin. Wake up.
Wake up. Come on. You gotta...
Kevin, wake up, OK?
We gotta write this thing. Come on.
- Are you awake?
- Uh-huh.
(snoring)
There you go.
All right. Come on. You really
can't handle champagne, can you?
OK.
OK, here we go. Right up here.
Come on, Kevin. Let's go.
Kevin.
Here we go. All right.
Jeez, Kevin, when you sleep,
you really do sleep.
OK, here we go.
Kevin, cut it out. Come on!
We don't have time for games.
All right, here we go. Come on.
Now, where's the... where's the script?
Here, wait here.
Is it in here?
Oh. I got it. OK. OK, here it is. Infomercial.
Right there. OK. Here we go, Kevin.
All right. Hold yourself up here
for just a second. Let's get some light.
Hang on. All right. Now, uh,
you dictate and I'll write, OK?
What would he say?
What would Ray Garvin say?
Let me tell you about...
Go ahead. "Let me tell you..."
Wait, Kevin!
Are you OK?
"Let me tell you about" what?
Myself? My life? My prostate?
Ah. "Let me tell you about my family."
"During this long campaign..."
,, I haven't had a chance
to just sit and talk,
So I wanted to invite you into my home,
where I can sort of let my hair down,
Oh, I hope you don't mind.
You see, I never miss
making my kids' school lunches.
Rusty? Spot?
Hey, Euffles! Euffles!
This is great. You're gonna love this.
Oh, I'll show you later.
- It's Chuck and Eddie!
- (both) Hey!
Julia?
- Hey, Shakespeare!
- Hey. Hi, guys.
- Good stuff.
- Best thing you've ever written.
- Thanks. Thanks.
- Let's get together, huh?
Yeah, yeah. How's it goin'?
- Hey, all right.
- Hey. Home run.
You know, one of the reasons
both of you are out of work,,,
Between employment opportunities,
It's because of policies
like those of my opponent,
For example, if you give
one of those eggs back to me,
that's one less egg for investment,
Euffles!
Boy, you really saved my ass
on this thing, Annette. Thanks.
Julia!
In related news, overnight polls show
reaction to the senatorial debate
clearly favouring Garvin,
- Many believe he has the momentum,,,
- Many?! Who, you and your cousin?
,, especially with tonight's
daring campaign broadcast,
- This is our man,
- Ignorant populist bullshit!
,, which featured a guest appearance
by sitcom favourites Chuck and Eddie,
has clearly helped Garvin,
Have we got the documentation yet
on the Proctor stuff?
That could blow up in our faces.
Put it out there.
OK. Time to play hardball.
- Well, can't we first try to address...
- I don't want to hear it. Get goin'.
(Bob Freed's voice)
- Julia Mann, please.
- I got one for ya!
You're nothin' but a horse's ass!
- Are you all right?
- Yeah. Shit, yeah.
(phone)
Hello. Hello. Hello?
- What's going on?
- Come on in.
I just got off the phone with a, uh, reporter
who, uh, is gonna run a story tonight,
from an unnamed source,
claiming that Ray Garvin
accepted a $400,000 bribe
from junk-bond king Alan Proctor.
- What?
- Oh, my God!
Thus effectively ending our campaign.
Someone turned our finance red file
over to the press.
And I'd just like to know
why in the hell you did it, Annette.
- You're kidding, right?
- I wish I was.
You're serious?
I don't believe this. You have some gall
accusing me. This campaign is my life.
You can take your finance red file
and shove it up your ass!
- Goodbye.
- Why would Annette do that?
Only three people knew enough to be
this unnamed source: Proctor, Garvin,
and whoever gave the files over.
So I ruled out Garvin and Proctor.
- Which reporter?
- It doesn't matter.
- No, no, no. I need to know.
- Bob Freed.
Is Kevin Vallick there?
Thank you. That's all right, thanks.
You're amazing, Julia.
I thought I was good.
Oh, God forbid I endanger your position
in the campaign! Where are you going?
- I'm walking to a more appropriate place.
- Where? A firing range?
- OK, go ahead. What's on your mind?
- Your little Proctor leak. Nice work.
If you can't take competition...
Oh, no! I can take the competition.
It's the backstabbing that's the real drag.
- I keep you from getting fired...
- You keep me from getting fired?
- You keep me from getting fired?!
- What I did last night was a sacrifice.
Really? Thanks. Thanks a lot. I didn't
know sleeping with me was a burden.
- That's not what I meant.
- I should have known.
I don't know why I don't realise this.
I'm such a jerk. Politics
and love never mix. Never.
You know what, Julia?
From the moment I saw you,
I should have just run.
Then run.
Julia!
Mr Vallick?
Proctor bribes Garvin.
Wannamaker goes to the press
with the bribe story.
And Garvin is ruined. All right?
It's all very convenient.
The question is, who gave
the information to Wannamaker?
- I already know who gave it.
- Proctor.
- Why would Proctor do this?
- He bribed both candidates.
He kept 'em both in his pocket.
And he decided he wants Wannamaker
to win, so he's destroying Garvin.
I want him to lose. And I want Garvin
to hire me when you win.
("Sorry Seems To Be
The Hardest Word" by Elton John)
(phone)
What do I do to make you love me?
What have I got to do to be heard?
What do I do when lightning strikes me?
What have I got to do?
What have I got to do?
When sorry seems to be
the hardest word
I would like to introduce
New Mexico's newest senator!
The only man who will do
everything in his power
to make sure that this is the most
progressive state in the Union!
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I was just leaving.
- Yeah, I saw your car.
- Yeah, I've been trying to call you.
- I've been really busy. Sorry.
- I stopped by the hotel.
- I just haven't had a minute to myself.
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's hear it for our new senator!
All right, I'm gonna say this real quickly,
OK? Look, Julia, I'm really sorry.
I didn't know.
I feel like I blew it, and I...
- This is really hard for me to say.
- Harder than not trusting me?
No, no, no. I just...
I couldn't have done it without my staff!
Come on, guys! Come on up here!
- Come on, Julia.
- Come on, he wants us up there.
I, uh...
- What?
- Congratulations!
- Get used to winning, Julia. You're next.
- Uh-huh. Right.
Look at him. He'll never know
how close we came.
How close did we come?
You sure you don't want to be
kept in the dark on this?
Wannamaker took money
from Proctor, too.
Fortunately, Proctor
wanted our guy to win.
Thank you.
Have a nice evening, sir.
What am I doing?
I also wanna give a special thanks
to my press secretary,
a real trouper, Miss Julia Mann!
Oh, come on, Julia.
Come on out here and take a bow.
Come on. Come on.
She's a little shy, folks.
No se tu
Pero yo quisiera repetir
El cansancio que mi hiciste sentir
(over Tannoy) Uh, pardon me, Julia?
Kevin?
Can I talk to you for a second?
- Where the hell are you?
- Up here, on the balcony,
A little to your left,
A little more, Eight here,
- Hi.
- There he is, right up there.
Get rid of that guy! What the hell is this?
I've got a speech to finish.
I know all about Proctor, Lloyd. OK?
So stuff it. You're already finished.
Go ahead, Kevin.
You have something to say?
Here?
Look, I just... I think maybe
there's this tiny little possibility
that maybe we, uh...
we make sense.
Well, we did sleep together,
I'll give you that.
No, I mean we actually slept.
Sleeping slept.
I... I haven't slept like that
for a long time.
- Unlock the door!
- Look, Julia, let's face it.
We belong together.
Why?
God, I'm a writer.
I should be prepared for this stuff.
Uh... Because after all we've been
through, Julia, I mean, look at us.
We're still here, aren't we?
I mean, we're still together.
- Kind of.
- That's it? Can't do any better than that?
Can't do any better... Uh...
- Open the door, sir!
- Well, uh...
- Push it.
- Unlock the door, sir!
Wait right there.
No. Kevin.
- Get him!
- Oh, shit.
(cheering)
- Kevin!
- Julia!
- Tarzan!
- Jane!
- I love you, Julia.
- I love you, Kevin.
What did the lip tattoo say?
- Kiss me.
- "Kiss me"? Nah, you're making that up.
And turning now to
other key races around the country,
Ehode Island may end up
looking like a combat zone,
since relative unknown Julia Mann
announced her candidacy today
- in the heated congressional battle,
- Huh?
This campaign, which
many believe is a long shot,
was defended by campaign manager
Kevin Vallick as the right choice,,,
- Julia and Kevin?
- I give 'em six months.
A year.
Happily ever after.
Well, I bet you any amount of money
He'll be coming back to you
Ooh, I know there ain't no doubt about it
Sometimes life is funny
You think you're in your darkest hour
When the lights are coming on
in the house of love
Ooh
House of love
Oh
You've been up all night
Thinkin' it was over
He's been out of sight
At least for the moment
But when something this strong
Ooh, gets a hold on you
The odds are 99 to one
It's got a hold on him too
Well, I bet you any amount of money
He'll be coming back to you
Ooh, I know there ain't no doubt about it
Sometimes life is funny
You think you're in your darkest hour
When the lights are coming on
in the house of love
When the lights are coming on
in the house of love
Now when the house is dark
And you're all alone inside
You've gotta listen to your heart
Put away your foolish pride
Though the storm is breaking
And thunder shakes the walls
Love with a firm foundation
Ain't never, never, never gonna fall
Well, I bet you any amount of money
He'll be coming back to you
Ooh, I know there ain't no doubt about it
Sometimes life is funny
You think you're in your darkest hour
When the lights are coming on
in the house of love
In the house of love
When the lights are coming on
in the house of love
Though the storm is breaking
And thunder shakes the walls
Love with a firm foundation
Ain't never, never, never gonna fall
Well, I bet you any amount of money
He'll come back to you
Ooh, I know there ain't no doubt about it
Sometimes life is funny
You think you're in your darkest hour
When the lights are coming on
in the house of love
Oh, I bet you
He'll come back to you, back to you
Oh, there ain't no doubt about it
Sometimes life is funny
You think you're in your darkest hour
When the lights are coming on
in the house of love
Marisa Castle de Joncaire
ENHOH
With only four weeks left to election day,
both candidates for
New Mexico's senate seat,
former congressman Lloyd Wannamaker
and Eepublican Eay Garvin,,,
Gentlemen, place your bets.
Ten bucks he says
these guys will "sway" the voters.
- Nope. He'll say "woo".
- "Entice".
,, all this in an effort
to woo the state's undecided voters,
Thank you. Uh, no cheques, please.
I need those stats. I can't write him
a speech that says "Take my word for it".
- Thanks.
- Hello, Julia.
Larry, Curly, Moe. I see you wimped out
on the anti-development piece.
- What?
- Page ten, next to the crossword puzzle?
- Mr Ventura.
- How's the school-aid speech?
We can make a difference for these kids,
if Lloyd gets behind it.
Good, but we must find a hotter button
to give the campaign a boost.
- OK. Let me work on a few things.
- Write a speech for Mrs Wannamaker.
- Mrs Wannamaker?
- She's addressing the Historical Society.
The topic: Pioneer suffragettes.
Here's your research. Thank you, dear.
Can you send ten copies
of this up to my room?
- Sorry.
- Pete! Hey, Pete!
Yeah, hon, over here.
Hi. You have a reservation for me?
- You're...?
- Eastwood. Clint Eastwood.
- Are you gonna give me your name?
- No, I'm kidding. Kevin Vallick.
- Are you with one of the campaigns?
- I just got hired to write some speeches.
See if I can't turn this baby around,
know what I mean?
- Which candidate, sir?
- Uh, you know, uh... whatshisname.
Uh... Come on, help me out here.
- Republican or Democrat?
- Republican.
- Garvin.
- Garvin! That's him, yeah. Yeah, Garvin.
Second floor. Elevator's right behind you.
- Nice, quiet room, right?
- Very quiet.
- Dark?
- Dark.
- Soft mattress?
- Softest we've got.
- Real big one?
- The biggest we've got.
Cos I cover a lot of territory on a mattress,
you know what I mean?
And I don't want you
sneakin' up there and botherin' me.
Wait. Can you...? Hold on.
- Oh!
- Hi.
- Wish I didn't need it.
- Yeah.
My kid has this cough.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Let me see that a second.
I don't think these are for kids.
These are... No, they're not.
In fact, they're not even for coughs.
No, I know that. I realise that. It's for me.
His cough is keeping me awake.
This is a tough call, cos my grandmother
just came through some surgery,
and, uh, she... she can't sleep.
Really? How awful. What kind?
What kind? Extensive.
It was really, uh... extensive.
She had some liposuction work done.
I know. I said to her
"Grandmother, you know, you're 80."
"It's not like they're
beating down your door."
But she's vain. So...
- I'll give...
- Can we split it?
You want to split it? Perfect.
Let's go over it again.
Here's how the black-hole theory works.
Don't patronise me. I'm not patronising
you. I'm trying to teach you something.
Then be patient.
Our unemployment cheques are here,
so maybe if we put them together,,,
Yeah, right, $280 and 85 cents, plus,,,
$33 million and 55 cents,
Eddie! They made a mistake,
You gotta give the money back,
- (slams door)
- (waitress keeps snoring)
- Hey.
- Hi.
Hi.
- How's the kid?
- Oh, it's sad, really.
He was abducted by aliens.
How's Grandma?
Sore. But I gotta say,
her thighs look great.
- Sorry. I just dozed off. There you go.
- Thank you very much.
Hey. Excuse me, ma'am.
Could you turn this up?
Uh-huh.
- I just hate 'em! I hate 'em!
- Hey!
- Wait. You gotta be kidding.
- You don't like this show?
- It's crap!
- I wrote for this show.
No, I did. I... I used to write for this show
for... for a couple of years.
Oh, well, I shouldn't say.
I never really watched a whole one.
It's OK. No, it's all right. Really.
You probably watch PBS.
- Oh! Oh!
- ,, the ditch that divided New Mexico,
Is the ditch a blight? Is there a better way
to stop illegal immigration?
- What is this?
- The Mexico Ditch.
- Oh.
- It's to keep out illegal aliens.
It's completely barbaric,
but Garvin is for it, of course.
- You don't like Garvin?
- Republican simpleton.
- You like him?
- Better than the other guy. Wannamaker.
At least he doesn't hang around
with junk-bond kings with slush funds.
I just prefer him over some
tax-and-spend, knee-jerk liberal is all.
- Let's drop it.
- Good idea.
Good idea. You know what?
It's our first fight.
It's OK. It had to happ...
Sorry.
- Let me know when I'm charming you.
- Oh, just a few more moves like that.
Pie?
You like breakfast burritos?
I know this place across the border.
- Takes 35 minutes.
- We just had pie.
- They're really good burritos.
- Mom told me never to go with strangers.
- We'll pick her up. Where's she live?
- Rhode Island.
All right. 45 minutes.
We'll put her in the back.
Get your motor running
Head out on the highway
Looking for adventure
in whatever comes our way
Best cure for insomnia? Hot laundry.
Take all your laundry fresh out of
the dryer and pile it all on top of you.
Now, if you really wanna sleep,
you take some Fresca, you beat in three
raw eggs, touch of cayenne pepper.
I tried it.
Ha! I'm kidding.
So, uh, what do you do, Julia?
- I write, too.
- Are you a reporter?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I saw your, uh, press badge
on your bag here.
- Oh, uh-huh.
- I'm very observant.
So who's "R Freed"?
Fasten your seat belt.
- You always drive this fast?
- No. This fast.
- Hey, Julia. Are you divorced?
- Hm?
- Well, you got a tan line there.
- Oh. Long engagement.
Oh. It's over?
Yep. Very boring. Not of interest.
("Big Girls Don't Cry")
- Hey, what's wrong with that?
- Wait, wait, wait.
I'm celebrating my second anniversary.
Of my divorce.
Oh.
Yeah, very boring. Not of interest.
- Would you please find a station?
- I'm looking for a song.
Our song, if you must know.
So, we've graduated to "our", have we?
About two hours ago. I wish you'd
keep up, Julia, if this is gonna work.
- Figured it out?
- Yeah.
Oh.
So, whaddaya think? You know, us.
- Do you think we have a future together?
- Pff.
Good. Me too.
A que lejos queda el carro?
- Como unos diez minutos,
- Gracias,
- What'd he say?
- He said about another ten minutes.
- You don't speak Spanish?
- Uh-uh.
A very romantic language.
Necesito una toalla,
- That's pretty. What's that mean?
- "May I have a towel?"
Oh. Be still, my beating heart.
You gotta love the language.
- Is that cologne?
- Black Flag. Great aftershave.
You know, it's manly,
and as you can see, not a bug in sight.
- What do you think?
- Not bad.
("No se tu" by Luis Miguel on radio)
- Breakfast?
- Most important meal of the day.
,, que me diste
Y el momento
que con besos construiste
No se tu
Pero yo te busco en cada amanecer
Mis deseos no los puedo contener
En las noches cuando duermo
Si de insomnio, yo me enfermo
Thank you.
Me haces falta, muchas falta
No se tu
Well...
You know...
I mean...
("All Shook Up" by Elvis Presley)
- The seat belt...
- All right?
I'm in love
I'm all shook up
Ow. The handbrake.
Well my hands are shaky
and my knees are weak
I can't seem to stand
on my own two feet
- The car. We're rolling.
- Oh, I know.
The clutch.
- Just show me where your clutch is.
- On the car.
My tongue gets tied when I try to speak
My insides shake like a leaf on a tree
There's only one cure
for this body of mine
That's to have that girl that I love so fine
She touched my hand
and what a chill I got
Her lips are like a volcano that's hot
I'm proud to say that she's my buttercup
I'm in love
I'm all shook up
- Ouch!
- Hi.
Good morning.
- This is, um...
- Kevin.
- Dan.
- Nice to meet you.
- Kevin's a sitcom writer.
- Yeah. I write for, uh... I write for sitcoms.
It's nice to meet you.
Here's today's schedule, Julia.
- I'll see you inside.
- Great. Thanks.
- Who's that? Your boss?
- Oh, it's like being caught by your dad.
- It's bad enough they patronise me.
- You know what to do?
You're full of advice, aren't you?
Best thing to do, when people
try to patronise you, is yell. Shout.
Let me put it on. Really.
Speak louder than they do.
They're trying to see if you'll wimp out.
Just raise your voice a little bit.
Try it. Let me know tonight how it works.
I mean, we never got
those breakfast burritos.
- What time?
- Eight.
- My hair's a mess.
- It's perfect.
- Eight o'clock, in the lobby?
- Out here.
(photographer #1) That's good.
(photographer #2) That's it. More smiles.
- Oh, my stomach.
- Whew. Campaign food, huh?
- Mm. Watch the fish.
- It's too late. Good luck.
It needs a touch-up, Lee.
Unacceptable, Annette.
- Piece of shit, Kev.
- 12,999, and there's an even 13,000.
- Not bad. How are you?
- That's why I fired him.
See what you can do with it.
Give it some humour, some heart.
- You didn't sleep last night.
- Ah, you know me.
Solid ten minutes, I'm good for the day.
Thanks for doin' this.
Comin' out at the last minute.
I know how you swore off
this campaign stuff.
Hey, don't worry about it.
I owed you one.
Hey, uh, where's he givin' this thing?
- The barrio, three o'clock.
- What's this, uh... what's this ditch issue?
- The Mexico Ditch? Why?
- Some reporter told me about it.
It's a sore point
with the Hispanic community.
Our guy's for it.
Don't bring it up in the barrio.
- I bet our opponent does.
- Spin it our way, Garvin'll love ya.
- Hey, you think this guy's any good?
- Of course he is. He's better than good.
Would I have called you
if he wasn't good? What reporter?
- Just some reporter.
- What's her name?
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Listen, Kev.
It's a cutthroat campaign here.
Don't do anything stupid.
And for God's sake,
don't mix with the enemy.
Smile. Great, great.
Just one more. One more.
- That's enough!
- Let's keep up the good work.
- Mike, I have an idea for today's speech.
- Not now.
- The Mexico Ditch. Time to attack.
- Listen, we have been over this.
I am the press secretary. I make
the policy decisions. Is that all, dear?
(shouts) No, it's not!
- Excuse me?
- Firstly, the name is Julia, not "dear".
Secondly, I don't like
being patronised, Mr Kratz.
I'm not patronising you, de...
- Why are you talking so loud?
- I am the speechwriter.
I have ten years' experience.
And if you think I can't handle it,
let's talk to the campaign manager.
Walk with me.
Wannamaker attacks on the Mexico Ditch.
We hold his statement till four.
Garvin can't hit back till tomorrow.
And guess where he's speaking today?
- The barrio.
- That's good. I'll try to get that approved.
And next time, don't be so angry.
We're in this together, don't forget.
Oh. So, good, he could say
something in Spanish, maybe?
- What's the name of this town?
- San Jose.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Who are you?
- I'm the new guy.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Everyone, this is Kevin Vallick,
our new speechwriter.
He worked on the Tobin campaign
in '84, remember?
Fresh from Hollywood.
He wrote Chuck and Eddie,
- Oh, I love that show!
- Thanks. OK, now, listen.
This town, San Jose.
Is there a local hero?
Anybody save anybody from drowning?
- Yeah, there's a spelling-bee winner.
- Girl or boy?
- Girl.
- Perfect, perfect.
OK, let's do this. Put her
up on the stand with Garvin,
and he will say
"I'd like to introduce someone to you."
Someone who makes me
proud to be an American.
This young lady is
the state spelling-bee champion.
Let's talk about Garvin's
record on immigration.
"I've a spotless record on Mexican..."
"My opponent says
he's a friend of minorities."
My opponent claims
that he is a friend to minorities.
- Yes, good, good.
- "But actions speak louder than words."
But anyone can speak words.
Acting actions, that's the important thing.
My opponent claims...
"Insecure friends...
soon become enemies."
Insecure enemies are soon at war.
Now, this ditch...
"...that separates the two great countries
of Mexico and America..."
...it's really an act of friendship.
- Talk about the economics...
- No, it's a moral issue.
OK. "It rebuilds the Berlin Wall, brick
by brick. So I must ask my opponent..."
...torn down in Germany,
rebuilt in America?
- That's the sound bite.
- It's a step backwards,
- "Good fences make good neighbours."
- "The beginning of a new intolerance."
It is the American Wall.
I call it... the Friendship Ditch.
Maricon!
You know, you're gonna get
a sound bite outta this.
Yeah, well, we'll find out at five.
It's the Channel Seven Action News
with Doris Wind,
- Lead story?
- If the Martians haven't landed in Taos.
- Please, please.
- Good evening, Our top story tonight,
It was day two in the desperate struggle
of one small bear cub to stay alive,
- Teddy, a cub beloved by millions,
- Get outta here with this bear.
- How can he be the lead story?
- Excuse me, can you try Channel Two?
,, at the bottom of a water well
in the Albuquerque zoo,
- In what is turning into,,,
- Look, it's the bear again.
Oh, my God. Every channel
is covering this story?
,, as we enter day two of Bear Watch,
Well, take a gun and put
the little shit out of his misery.
Good idea.
- Even the youngest of bears,,,
- This bear is everywhere.
The bear and the...
Now we're getting dancing bears.
Oh, this is really lovely. I'm really pleased.
- That's real cute.
- Yeah, look, the top hat, the cape.
- Unbelievable.
- I'm gonna grab my phone.
- Hello.
- Hi. You out of breath?
Oh, hey. How you doin'? Yeah, well,
you know, 45 minutes on the StairMaster.
- About tonight...
- You're cancelling,
Why? Cos I ran out of gas?
I don't normally do that.
We really oughta move past
the gas gauge thing, cos that's shallow.
- We're deeper than that,
- Shut up.
Let's make it midnight, OK?
Is that too late?
Whew. You kidding? Midnight.
I just wake up at midnight.
Me too.
- Oh! It worked.
- Good. Good. What worked?
My boss. He thought
I was gonna explode.
Oh-oh-oh-oh, yeah, the...
See? I told you. I told you.
That's great. The more
intimidating you are, the better.
I might be outta line,
but can I make a suggestion?
Tattoo. Really mean-Iooking tattoo.
You should get one.
My old boyfriend had a tattoo.
On the inside of his lip.
- I'm sorry?
- Know what it said?
Uh... Oh, boy. "How am I driving?
Call 1-800" and then a number?
Did he have a really big lip?
Was it Mick Jagger?
- Come on!
- Oh! Gotta go.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, me too. OK.
Look, uh... So, tonight then, right?
- Midnight.
- Yeah, midnight. Bye.
,, more and more, the fate
of animals means less and less,
Oh, put some pants on that bear!
Meanwhile, Teddy's mother, Big Bertha,
waits for some word,
any word, of Teddy's fate,
- Back to you in the studio,
- They're killin' us with this stuff.
- ,, politics as usual,
- OK, here we go.
With the election only 30 days away,
both candidates vying for the vacant seat
argued the merits of
the so-called Friendship Ditch,
Friendship what?!
Yes! Dr Spin!
- Whew!
- ,, denounced by Lloyd Wannamaker,
- Torn down in Germany,,,
- Sound bite! Yes!
That's it. No more bets.
No more bets? How am I gonna get
my beer money, fellas?
But New Mexico business tycoon Eay
Garvin defended the Friendship Ditch,,,
Friendship what?!
,, the Friendship Ditch ensures
our security, it ensures our friendship,
They had to know
we were attacking the ditch.
Friendship what?!
Our resident genius.
- Great speech, Kevin.
- Thanks.
Oh, there's a career seminar
at Mesa Junior High tonight.
- They wanna hear from our speechwriter.
- Whoa. Gee, I can't tonight.
- I got something really important to do.
- Well, you'll be done by eight.
Why? Seeing your reporter?
No way. Uh-uh. I took your advice on that.
I'll give a short introduction,
then let you two start.
- I'm sorry? Two?
- Uh, she's a bit late.
- Mr Wannamaker's speechwriter.
- Oh.
- You're fine with that?
- Oh, sure.
Oh, here she is. Meet Mr Wannamaker's
speechwriter, Julia Mann.
And, uh, Mr Garvin's speechwriter,
Kevin Vallick.
- Have you two met already?
- Yes.
- No.
- No. I'm sorry, I thought she was...
she was somebody I knew.
A reporter, actually.
Why don't we get started? Uh, Miss Mann,
could you come sit over here?
People! People! Calm down.
Take your seats.
Now I'm sure we've all heard the horror
stories about politics and politicians.
Well, Mr Vallick and Miss Mann
were nice enough
to take time out from their busy schedule
to show us
there is a human side to politics.
Maybe we'd better start
with questions. Anyone?
Mm-hm?
I was interested in politics,
but my dad said that only liars go into it.
- Bobby, I don't...
- I can respond to that.
Most people in politics aren't liars.
It's only the opportunistic ones from
other fields, let's say TV comedy writing,
the last stop of the untalented,
who turn into liars.
- I see.
- Oh, and hacks.
(nervous giggle)
Well, maybe Mr Vallick could
offer us a different perspective.
Bobby? Yeah. Hey, there are frauds
in politics, sure. But you know what?
There are also some passionate,
seemingly idealistic individuals...
- That's very encouraging.
...who turn out only later to be frauds.
Any... other... questions?
Is there much interaction
between the two campaigns?
Between Democrats and Republicans?
Ah, I think this is your area.
Uh, it's discouraged
for campaigns to socialise.
If one speechwriter were to date another,
they might reveal something
about the campaign.
Some campaigns have spies
for just this purpose,
to pursue someone
on the other campaign, to seduce her...
- Or him.
...and try to find out her secrets.
On the other hand, sometimes people
have a tendency to get "paranoid".
And just because someone
seems interested in them,
that doesn't mean
they're after their secrets.
Still, it's not paranoid
to be suspicious of, let's say,
a relationship that moves too fast,
a chance encounter that isn't chance.
- Or somebody lying about their work.
- Or asks too much about work.
Of course, a speechwriter could,
to use Miss... Sorry, I forgot your name.
- Mann.
- Yeah, right.
To use Ms Mann's example,
a speechwriter could protect herself...
- Or himself.
...from being compromised by not flirting.
You know, not sniffing around
like a cat in heat.
Or she might tell the other speechwriter
"Peddle your shit elsewhere, scumbag."
- I really think we ought to veer...
- Once the infiltrator,
or "slut-spy", for lack of a better word,
has been uncovered,
the other speechwriter's passion
for the campaign is renewed.
And he'll need it. If he's a has-been,
jumping from field to field
like a fuck-happy rabbit,
with an inadequacy
born of inexperience...
Or the lack of creativity
born of over-experience.
...he'll need motivation, especially against
someone who believes in her cause!
I'd like to thank both Mr Vallick and
Miss Mann for their illuminating words
about politics, the human side.
- You lied to me.
- You lied first.
- First? This isn't grade school.
- It is.
You used me. You took the Mexico Ditch!
You never even heard of it before!
Of course. I didn't realise
you had a copyright on a ditch.
- What other forces of nature are yours?
- I will keep this simple.
I. Me. This person in front of you. I do not.
Not. The international symbol for "no".
- I do not want you near me again!
- Hey. Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute.
- So are we still on for midnight?
- Ohh!
My opponent has accused me
of playing politics.
My opponent has accused me
of taking his issue -
his issue, the Friendship Ditch -
and using it for my own ends.
Perhaps he should warn me
of any of other issues that come up
that are strictly his!
Garvin continued to accuse Wannamaker
of using the Friendship Ditch,,,
And I wish Mr Garvin would treat
this process with some dignity!
With only three weeks left
until the election,
why can't he decide whether he wants
to be a candidate or a businessman?
Why doesn't he stop jumping from field
to field like some slaphappy rabbit?
Come on, Mr Garvin, Why are you treating
this campaign like some slick sitcom,
with sound bites
worthy of a Hollywood hack?
That's why I'm travelling across
this great state of New Mexico,
- To hear your concerns,
- Let's go, guys. Go, go, go!
So goodbye, and God bless!
Move, move, move!
(man) Hey, Freed, man!
...balloon fiesta at four o'clock.
Great visuals.
Baghdad Bob? Slummin' it in local news?
Whew. Ah, I just follow the story.
- Come on. This isn't Iraq.
- Yeah, well, it's early yet. Excuse me.
- Hi there.
- Hi.
- Guess who.
- Oh!
- Bob.
- Hi.
- What are you doing here?
- You glad to see me?
Surprised to see me?
A little less than thrilled to see me?
What was the middle one?
- I'm just here on business, Jules.
- My God. Albuquerque's been invaded.
No, we're doing the Senate races.
Network sent me to cover New Mexico.
OK. I chose New Mexico.
It's a real interesting story.
- And getting more interesting.
- Oh, hi there.
- It's a real honour.
- Well, thank you very much.
I'm not sure how long
I'll be here with you guys.
Yes, Bob's a busy man. Busy, busy, busy.
Well, the congressman is free
for a minute, and he'd love to chat.
OK. Well, thanks. I'II...
I'll be there in a little while.
Oh, Jules, you look... You...
You know what? I think I'll just get this
out of the way and... be right back.
- I'll be right back, OK? We gotta talk.
- Right.
Oh, my God.
- Julia, bring those position papers!
- I got 'em.
Pete, hold your horses.
We'll be there in two seconds.
Get some cutaways of the balloons.
So, Jules, what's the story?
Oh, damn. What are they doing here?
Bob, I'm a little busy right now.
Yes, he's a beautiful baby.
Excuse me, we need to
step over here for a moment.
You know what this state needs?
More friggin' photo opportunities.
What about this Proctor? I heard
Garvin took a half-million-dollar bribe.
That's the rumour.
If you get proof, we can win with it.
- So when's the debate?
- Not set yet. Garvin's dragging his feet.
- Why'd you move out?
- No comment.
You didn't even leave me a note.
Two years.
Two years of watching... You know,
let's not get into this right now.
- No, wait. Say it.
- Bob, face it. You don't want a fiancee.
You want a fan club.
Well! Baghdad Bob.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
You too, sir.
We're having a little get-together
at my vacation home on Thursday.
- I'm... I... You know... Uh... Sorry.
- I would love it if...
Julia!
Time for happy hour with the press.
We're not sounding too good
on the debate issue.
- Garvin's dodging us.
- Absolutely. So hit 'em hard.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi, Julia.
- On this debate front...
- Is your guy backin' off?
No. Wannamaker's position
on the debate is clear. He wants one.
- But where's Garvin?
- Look, the debate is a non-issue.
- The real story is Garvin's cowardice.
...call Lloyd Wannamaker cowardly,
Excuse me?
Sorry, I was... I wasn't talking to you.
- No, I know. You were plagiarising me.
- I didn't even hear what you said.
Come on. You're standing
right behind me!
Obviously you're more conscious of me
than I am of you.
How can I not?
You're wearing a quart of cologne.
It's... it's aftershave, and it spilled.
I wouldn't put cologne on for a balloon...
God bless you! Vote on the 8th!
- Would you leave me alone, please?
- I'm on my way to my car.
Which, by the way, has a pinging sound
in it ever since you drove it, thank you.
Hey, there's...
What's that guy's name? Beijing Bob?
That's Bob Freed.
That's "R Freed"?
Wait a minute.
Nah. You and Mr Flak Jacket?
- Are you jealous?
- Why would I be jealous?
- It's so clear who you're interested in.
- Yeah, and getting clearer.
- Going my way?
- Come on. I'll give you a lift.
Thank you.
Hey!
Hey!
,, via ropes and pulleys,
And although no one's sure
if the young bear cub has
actually touched the meals,
one can only assume
that after several days,
a young bear cub would
have to be pretty hungry,
Is there any word yet, Jim,
on, uh, what the food consisted of?
Uh, yes, Doris, Some ham, some lettuce,
some onions and, uh, various cold cuts,
and - a strangely poignant touch - honey,
Yes, Very poignant, Thanks, Jim,
Wealthy businessman Alan Proctor
christened the Santa Fe racetrack,
The much-disputed gambling site is
half-owned by the reclusive tycoon,,,
My sympathies with labour run deep.
My sympathies with unions are strong.
Let me tell you
a little something about myself.
I come from a blue-collar background.
My dad worked for the Southern Pacific
ever since he came to this country.
I started working for the railroad when
I was 16 years old. Hard 12-hour days.
Picture the grime, the dirt,
the smell of sweat, the despair.
Can't you hear the whistle blowing?
Rise up... early in the morn!
Can't you hear the captain shouting
"Dinah, blow your horn"?
What?
Um... there's, uh,
someone in the kitchen with Dinah.
There's, uh, someone in the kitchen,
uh, I know.
Uh, yes, kitchen, uh, and, oh...
Let's talk about, uh,
something that I know, uh...
I know about the kitchen. My opponent
wants to keep the women in the kitchen.
Dinah, Alice, uh... whomever,
but I feel that this is un-American.
- Who? Who phoned?
- He said that he had approved changes.
Damn it! I want security tightened,
and if I find anyone - I mean anyone -
fraternising with the other side,
they are fired! What did he sound like?
(phone)
- Hello?
- Listen, you... listen, you...
Julia, hi! Gosh, it's nice to hear from you.
- My organiser! I want it back!
- I'm sorry, did you lose something?
I suppose you had nothing
to do with the TelePrompTer?
Julia, why is it always "me, me, me"?
What about my needs?
(knocking)
Promise me that you will get
some professional help.
Hey, little girl, is your daddy home?
Did he go and leave you all alone?
Or somethin' like that. You wanna go out?
Kev, this isn't cutting it.
It's supposed to be a friendly speech.
- Comfortable?
- Yeah.
"Wannamaker has run a sloppy,
inept and hostile campaign."
- Good.
- "He's incompetent, mean-spirited,
and out of touch with the voters."
- What's the problem?
- Where's the friendly?
Read the next line.
- "Still, he has the right to run"?
- There you go.
I don't... I don't understand wh...
- That's, uh...
- Wannamaker's staff.
Their campaign manager, Dan Ventura.
What happened to
mixing with the enemy?
- What are you doing?
- Huh? Oh, my... my back.
It helps it a lot if I crawl around
on the floor like this.
They're here to negotiate.
I'll introduce you.
No, that's OK.
So lighten up on the vitriol, Kev.
Wannamaker'll be backin' off soon
anyway. You know Julia Mann?
- Who?
- Campaignosaurus.
She's been on a dozen of 'em. Didn't you
meet her at that junior high thing?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, right. Julia Mann.
- We hear she's the one mixin' the mud.
My back. Helps it a lot if I can just,
you know, lean against something.
Whew, there you go.
Well, here's the thing. She doesn't know
it yet, but end of the week, she's out.
- What do you mean, "out"?
- They're replacing her.
Ever since the Friendship Ditch,
you've been kickin' her butt.
It's exciting to see, Kev.
What's doing it to you?
(knocking)
I'll explain later.
- Let's go.
- I'll be there in just a second.
OK. Great. We'll just go wait out here.
(microwave pings)
When I'm worried and I can't sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
I think about a nursery
and I picture curly heads
And one by one I count them
as they slumber in their beds
If you're worried and you can't sleep
Just count your blessings
instead of sheep
And you'll fall asleep
Counting your blessings
(phone)
- Hello?
- Hello, Julia? I,,,
No se tu
Pero yo quisiera repetir
El cansancio que mi hiciste sentir
Con la noche que me diste
Y el momento
que con besos construiste
No se tu
Pero yo te he comenzado a extranar
En mi almohada no te dejo de pensar
(phone)
- What?!
- I need to know what that lip tattoo said,
- I can't believe you!
- I've stared at the ceiling for three hours.
- My little overachiever.
- Look, if I apologise, will you tell me?
OK? I'm sorry about the ditch,
but, you know, I really didn't know
you were with the other campaign,
so I didn't know that I was stealing.
And as far as the TelePrompTer goes,
well, hey, you know, I...
Boy, I... You know, that got outta hand.
You know, I'm a...
I got a comedy background,
and, uh, it was too good to pass up.
I got weak. I got weak, and I'm sorry.
It won't happen again. How's that?
- OK. Good night.
- "Good night." On the upper lip?
- No. Good night, Kevin,
- Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait,
Julia, listen to me for a second,
I've got to tell you something.
Go ahead.
Well... well, what are you doin' right now?
I mean, can you help me out for a sex?
Sec, Did I say sex? I meant sec.
Just for a second?
No! With what?
Uh... Pfft, damn car. Damn car problem.
(sports reporter) The problem with
the Broncos is they got no offensive line,
So... how you been?
The only reason I agreed to meet you is...
Why? Did you miss me?
...I'm engaged.
I wanted you to know, that's all.
Anyway, uh, what was it
you needed to tell me?
Uh, nothin'.
(honking)
- Hey. Car trouble?
- No. No, I'm fine.
Nice rental.
Did you see the, uh... the polls?
We're sliding.
Yeah, that's temporary.
We're gonna get him on that...
(Kratz) On the what?
The, uh... the thing we were talkin' about.
- What thing?
- The thing wi... uh... with the other thing?
What? The... What? What on earth...?
The... the fish? The porpoise?
The whale? The...
- Can we talk about this later?
- Oh...
Let's not talk about it now! OK?
Julia, is something wrong?
You're acting kinda unfocused lately.
- What? Unfocused. I... Wha...?
- Never mind. It's all right. We'll talk.
What? Uh, wh...
That's it, Kevin. You're on your own.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I've been thinkin' about what you...
Wait! Wait a second.
Look, congratulations on the engagement.
I mean it.
There. See? There's no reason
we can't be friends now.
- What? We're in a campaign!
- So? It...
What's the matter... Look at these hands.
You can't go back to the hotel like that.
OK, a framed picture of JFK
in the living room?
In the kitchen. You're good at this.
You bet. You probably graduated
near the top of your class.
- Uh, valedictorian.
- Ooh, very near.
And you were class clown, no doubt?
I was voted Most Likely
to Embarrass My Family.
- You would've hated me in high school.
- No, I would've avoided you.
- Did you always want to write sitcoms?
- No. I always wanted to write.
I was a speechwriter before,
then I found out
I believed in my words
more than the candidates did.
So I quit. You know,
sitcoms are depressing too,
but the money's a whole lot better.
- Hm. You're so funny.
- Why?
You're cynical on the outside,
but on the inside...
What? Not like Bob?
Is Bob warm and gushy on the inside?
Is that why you guys decided
to get engaged again?
We just need some time, that's all,
to, uh, fall in love again.
- What?
- Nothing.
- How come I don't trust you?
- You know, I honestly don't know.
- What the hell are you doing?
- Take your shoes off.
OK.
Hey, Julia.
What would you do if...
you weren't campaigning?
You know, what if you... if you were...
Well, what if you quit?
I won't quit. I spent ten years
on losing campaigns.
- Clinton made it, now it's my turn. Why?
- You want some advice, Julia?
You're a regular Dear Abby, aren't you?
Get in here. Put your feet in.
Your boy Wannamaker... He's a total stiff.
- Aiee! Hey!
- It warms up.
- Ohh.
- You have nice feet.
Thanks. Well, you know, I work out.
- Yours aren't so bad either.
- I like feet. They... reveal things.
Yeah. They say something
about somebody's personality.
- My advice, Julia?
- Hm?
Wannamaker needs a "ya-see-Timmy".
- A what?
- A "ya-see-Timmy".
At the end of every episode of Lassie,
Timmy's mom said "You see, Timmy..."
- And she'd teach him a lesson.
- I can't believe I'm listening to this.
It was always hopeful, it always had heart.
That's what his voters want.
They just wanna see if the guy's
got anything going on inside.
When? When does it get warmer?
Why are you telling me this?
It doesn't do you any good.
You're right.
I'm doing it because... I like you.
That, and... I know Wannamaker
can't pull it off anyway,
so I'm not really worried about it.
Boy, he doesn't get it. Campaigns
are about one thing only: Winning.
No, they're about changing the world.
I hate that. I hate how people
treat it like it's a game.
Like it's all some race,
with winners and losers.
What we do affects people.
And the people who'll do anything to win
do anything to keep on winning.
Why are you looking at me like that?
Cos I haven't heard anybody
talk like that in a long time.
You should run.
- Julia?
- What?
I wanna tear your clothes off.
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey, you...
- No!
All right! Truce! Truce!
All right, wait, wait, wait.
Really a truce this time.
All right? I mean it.
It's just immature and foolish.
Look, your hair's a mess.
- Julia?
- Don't. I know what you're gonna say.
- I can't.
- They're going to fire you on Friday.
(sighs)
Why do I do these things?
(TV) The president's note read "America
is proud of your courage and diligence,"
"All we can do now is pray,"
And that seems to sum up the mood
on this, day 15 of Bear Watch,
Michelle?
(Michelle) How have local children
reacted to Teddy's dilemma?
Child psychologist Lydia Stern,,,
At a certain point you don't worry about
the scuds any more. You just do the job.
Cos the audience has a right to know.
God, he's much sexier in person, huh?
So I've enjoyed these experiences
all over the world - Grenada, Belfast,
- lately in South Africa.
- I heard he was gay.
Oh, come on. He's engaged.
Well, he was whistling show tunes
in the elevator.
(hums "Just in Time" by Tony Bennett)
- Hey, top you off there?
- No, no. I can't drink that much.
- Can you do this? Here. Try it.
- Why?
I don't know. Haven't you ever done
anything just to do it?
- Like get a tattoo? You ever get a tattoo?
- Yeah, once.
- Where?
- Maui.
No, I mean... you know...
- Hey, d'you hear I'm gettin' married?
- Yeah, I heard.
- Yeah. Dumb move.
- Huh?
You don't really know that many
married people who are actually happy.
- What are you doin' it for?
- Oh, man. My life - I need some security.
Hey, you see that? Iraq. Shrapnel.
Wow.
See that? Guy threw up on me
once in a bar in Pittsburgh.
- Whew! Brutal.
- Yeah.
Hey, uh, let me run
something by you, Bob.
- You can call me Baggie.
- Really?
OK. Let me, uh...
let me run something by you, Baggie.
How 'bout a piece on Garvin's handlers?
You know, kind of a
behind-the-scenes kinda thing.
- Been done.
- Not like this. You could follow us around,
all day, all night. See how I write
a speech from beginning to end.
- What do you think?
- Interesting. What's the access?
Open. You know?
No closed doors. Day and night.
Spend all your time with me,
I don't... I don't care.
Call it "Handling of a Candidate"
or somethin'.
- Nah, I don't know.
- What? Don't like it?
To the end of the campaign? I made
a commitment to be with my fiancee.
What the hell, Baggie.
I mean, she'll understand.
What kind of woman would she be
if she didn't understand?
Damn. Got one of those
damn canker sores.
- Those are painful.
- Do you ever get them?
- Right up here? How 'bout down here?
- No.
- You have a lip tattoo?
- A lip tattoo?
- Oh, my God!
- We have to be able to put a spin on this.
- Oh, disaster!
- Channel Two.
We interrupt our regular broadcast
to bring you this special news flash,
On this, day 16 of Bear Watch,
Teddy has been safely rescued
from a well at the Albuquerque Zoo,
It was senatorial candidate
Lloyd Wannamaker
who was the first to pull
the bear cub to safety,
Wannamaker took time out
from his campaign
to dig with other concerned citizens,
Get back to me as soon as possible.
We're living a nightmare.
With other concerned citizens looking on,
Senate candidate Lloyd Wannamaker
was the first to pull
the exhausted cub to safety,
This bear is truly an inspiration,
He taught me that even when all is lost,
when the polls tell you
to throw in the towel,
there's always a light
at the end of the well! Huh?
- No more than three points, tops.
- Three points?
The guy just saved Winnie the Pooh,
and you say three points!
Why didn't you think of it, genius?
And you, too, Annette. He's your guy.
New Mexican tycoon Alan Proctor
was in the news again
with rumblings
from a Santa Fe grand jury,,,
Mr Vallick? For you.
- You won't believe it! You really won't!
- Julia, this is enemy territory.
- You'll get in trouble.
- I'm press secretary.
- You're kidding!
- No!
Wow, that's great! Good for you.
Let me ask you a question. The bear
thing. That was your idea, right?
Yes! They fired Kratz and they made me
press secretary. And I owe it all to you.
- No!
- Yes, because that idea and everything...
Anyway, I just... I wanted to thank you.
I wish there was some way
that I could repay you.
- But perhaps you'll accept a mint.
- A mint?
Yeah.
Well, a mint.
It was a lot of advice,
the number one news story.
Hang on. You're right.
And... some shampoo.
Oh, well, there you go. Mint and shampoo.
Done deal. And it's organic.
So what did, uh...
what did Bob say about all this?
Oh, I haven't told him yet.
Really? You came here first?
Yeah. Well, you know, you were closer.
Geographically.
I'm pretty close now, actually.
Geographically.
Anyway, I better go. Um...
- I have to go tell, uh...
- Bob.
- Yeah. Anyway, thank you.
- Sure.
You're a good friend, but I am
gonna kick your ass in November.
- Well, I wouldn't bet on that.
- Oh, I would bet on it if I were...
- Que,,, que, uh,,, que hacen aqui?
- Uh... Necesito una toalla,
Oh, look at that.
They were there all the time. Funny.
Thank you. See ya.
Don't feel bad, She didn't appreciate you,
So, yeah. It's a... behind-the-scenes thing.
"The Handling of a Candidate".
But the point is, I'll be with the campaign
24 hours a day from now till the election.
- You said we'd spend time together.
- Yes. I'm doing it on your campaign.
I'm doing it on you,
- What do you think, press secretary?
- I'll see if I can get it cleared.
- Hey, you want a little more?
- Yeah, thanks.
I think we are stuck together
for the rest of our lives, for all eternity!
I can't think of a more frightening idea,
Bob? Let's say you were
married for one year,
and your wife comes to you
and says "I met a man at a party."
"I slept with him. I promise it'll never
happen again. I still love only you."
What would you say?
Well, I'd say "Hey, you know, I love you
too. I won't pretend it doesn't hurt me,
but maybe we should just
get some counselling
and try to put the whole thing behind us."
- But you'd forgive her?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'd have to forgive her.
- OK?
- Yeah, sure.
Helen was too selfish for you,
You can't be selfish
and be a friend at the same time,
Friendship is about self-sacrifice,
Sacrifice is a two-way street, Like us,
"You see, Timmy"!
What? Timmy?
Honey, who's Timmy?
Con la noche que me diste
Y el momento
que con besos construiste
No se tu
Pero yo te he comenzado a extranar
En mi almohada no te dejo de pensar
- Hello?
- Another word for "misconstrued"?
What's the, uh, context?
"My position on education has been
misconstrued by my opponent."
"Has been, uh... distorted."
Great, Thanks,
I knew you wouldn't be sleeping,
Do you have a minute to talk?
Yeah. Sure, sure, sure. I was just,
uh, finishing a letter to, uh, your mom.
- Say "hi" for me,
- Sure will.
- Can we meet?
- Yeah.
Sure. Let's meet in about, uh, 20 minutes.
So, uh... how are you doin'? You and Bob.
- Notice I didn't say Baja Bob.
- Thanks. Um...
Uh, great. We're... He's great.
Good. Great in what way?
It's for your mom's letter.
You know, uh... generous. He fills
my room with roses. Stuff like that.
In fact, the thing
I needed to talk to you about...
Right.
See, I'm not sure that we shouldn't...
not see each other any more.
You're not sure we should, or...
you're sure that we should?
- I'm sure that we shouldn't.
- See each other?
Wait a minute. Didn't you call me?
Yes, right. I called you
because I needed to tell you
that we shouldn't
see each other any more.
Did we just enter another dimension?
Why do you keep meeting with me,
- to tell me that you can't meet with me?
- Because it doesn't make any sense.
My life doesn't make any sense.
We don't make any sense.
- Nothing makes any sense. I have to go.
- No, wait. Wait a minute.
- You just got here.
- I have to get up really early.
Bob is doing this
behind-the-scenes thing...
- Right. I know.
...on the campaign and me.
He... What?
Um, the days and nights
of a press secretary.
Right through till the election.
- "The Handling of a Candidate"?
- Yeah.
So, uh, we'll be spending a lot of time
together, and with his crew around...
Anyway, I'm engaged. OK?
And, yes, it is a trial engagement,
I'll give you that.
But still, I'm not being fair
to Bob if I'm here.
I know you'll say "But we're friends."
Maybe friendship
is an element in every relationship.
Is Bob my friend? I don't know.
But what I'm trying to say is...
I have to go.
Good evening. I'm Jim Rodriguez.
In a campaign that seemed to provide
more debate behind the scenes than in
front, it finally comes down to two men.
And though polls have Wannamaker
ahead, experts believe that Garvin
can only win tonight
with a clear knockout.
(Bob) The white bull. That's what
Hemingway called the blank page.
Every day the writer has to
look that bull right between the eyes,
with those dreaded words still looming:
"Deadline, deadline, deadline."
Good, like that. That's great.
Ba-bee-bee-bee, ba-ba-boo, ba-ba.
Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh.
Rik-tik-tik-tik-ting.
Ten tiny tots on the train tracks.
Ten tiny tots on the t-t...
You know, gotta keep the tongue loose.
Uh, guys, let's get a close-up on
the screen now, see how she's doin' here.
Oh, boy. You got a long way to go, huh?
- Something's been distracting you, Kev.
- I'm not distracted.
And it's costing us. Ever since the bear
they've been getting the better of you.
- Who has?
- Wannamaker.
- Oh, yeah.
- And I need that script for the infomercial.
All right, all right, all right.
What are you tryin' to do here?
- Ooh! Ow!
- God, Jules! You all right?
- Uh-huh.
- That was smart. Sweetheart?
- Oh, I'm fine.
- I'm gonna get you some ice for that.
With the debate now only moments away,
now the fight with nerves begins.
Like Grenada, 1983, with the airborne
division waiting for the night drop.
Good. Cut.
Oh, shoot. No, man,
I... I gotta get her the...
- Hello?
- One minute!
Hello?
Anybody home? Hey, Jules?
Hey, Jules, listen. I got a great idea.
I've been meaning to run this by you.
Bob, I'm a little busy right now.
How 'bout we put a camera on your head,
right? That way we can get your POV.
What do you think?
We gotta get you suited up.
I'm not walking around
with a camera mounted on my head.
Well, why not? Julie-cam. It's perfect.
Hey, is somethin' wrong?
Something's wrong, isn't it?
- Yes.
- What?
- I can't do this.
- Well, the camera's not that heavy.
It's lightweight, it's got fibre optics,
remote control. It's...
Oh, shit.
Is it Timmy?
All right, people, five-minute warning!
We're live in five!
God.
- Kevin, this is not a good time.
- I know. But listen. I...
What's on your eye?
What is that, a hickey?
- Yes. Yes, it's a hickey.
- Look, wait a minute. Julia.
I have only one thing to say to you.
- You can't marry Freed.
- Why?
Why? All right, I didn't
expect you to ask me that. Uh...
Wait a minute!
- How many minutes?
- Four.
- Julia, listen.
- Shh!
Julia. You can't marry Freed. Ask me why.
- Why?
- Because...
Julia,
every day I don't see you...
is painful to me.
Every day I can't
press my lips against yours...
I feel like I'm gonna die.
Better?
Oh, yeah.
Please... I really need to do this.
This is so crazy. We're gonna get fired.
- Dan! Hi!
- Hey!
- All right. Let me see.
- Is it gone?
Got it. She had a little piece
of spinach there we were trying to get.
Julia, drink a toast to Teddy for me.
- Thank you.
- Hi. Kevin, isn't it? Sitcom writer.
Exactly.
I was thinking about
what you said about running.
- You were heading off.
- I gotta get goin'.
No! No, don't leave.
Watch the debate from here.
I think I can make that happen. There's
a congressional seat up in Rhode Island.
- Three minutes!
- OK. Three minutes. Good.
- Think about it.
- Great. Thank... Oh, God.
- We gotta talk about this.
- Hey. Bob Freed.
- Have you met Kevin?
- Uh, yeah. Sure. We're drinking buddies.
- Since when?
- Kind of.
I heard about the behind-the-scenes thing,
Baggie. Great idea.
That was before Timmy.
- Jules is a lot like you. She writes for...
- Whoever pays the most!
- So what are you workin' on now, Kevin?
- Oh, good, everyone's here.
- OK. Everybody ready?
- Kevin was just telling us about his latest.
Yeah. He's a good writer.
It's shaping up great.
- You've read it?
- Of course.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I show
everything I write to Lee.
- Ah. What's it called?
- What's it called? Uh...
"Health Care Reform". "Show."
- It's the "Health Care Reform Show".
- Ten seconds!
- What is it, um, comedy? Drama?
- Uh, it's... it's a little of both.
- We got Florence Henderson lined up...
- Now is no time to play partisan politics.
- Cue music.
- Oh, look.
Good evening, and welcome to
the New Mexico Senatorial Debate,
I'm lan Campbell,
and I'll be your moderator,
Tonight will be
your one chance to examine
the men who hope to represent you for
the next six years in our nation's capital,
It is an important decision,
and one we hope you will take seriously
when you go to the polls
next week to cast your ballot,
(whispers) God, you smell great.
Let's get outta here.
- Yeah.
- I'll meet you outside.
You go first.
You have said that Garvin
has run a Hollywood-slick campaign,
- Kevin, where you goin'?
- Uh, you know what, I... I'll be...
I think I hear my car alarm out there.
Is that what that sound is?
It's really improved,
Oh. Hey. You know, I have to
just go call my mom, uh...
...to take her pills.
She falls down if she doesn't take them.
The... the not-falling-down pills.
,, but we raised the spirits of a state,
Let's get outta here.
- Ooh.
- What's that?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Let's go.
Did you do it on purpose?
From the Latin, "paranoia".
- Come here.
- I am so glad to be outta there.
By the way, I'm not marrying Bob.
- You're not?
- No.
I'm glad to see Mr Wannamaker
taking a more conciliatory tone,
Good choice.
I've made no bones about it, in fact, that
this has been an unnecessarily dirty,,,
,, wherever you park your car,,,
- America cannot be seduced,
- What's goin' on?
- America cannot be debauched,
- Wait. Wait.
,, has flames of fire in him, and has skin,,,
What's going on?
Somebody tell me what this is.
- My money's on Garvin.
- Has Wannamaker lost some weight?
(Tarzan yell)
I don't have to tell you who gets hurt
first when this sort of thing happens,
Me, Tarzan,
Jane, Tarzan, Jane, Tarzan, Jane,
(Tarzan yell)
- Ha!
- What?
Oh, yeah. Those were
my serial-killer years.
(snorts)
- Did you just snort?
- No.
Yes, you did. You laughed,
and then you snorted.
- (snorts)
- See?
There you go again. You're
snort-laughing. It's a common thing.
Actually coulda used a snort-laugh here.
Whoo! Such a bad attitude.
Oh, I hate when people say "Smile!"
- Yeah. Guess so.
- Hey, isn't this some...
- That's my ex-wife. Why's that in there?
- You're kidding! You and Annette?
I know. There's no explanation
for some things.
I don't understand it either.
Probably a lot like you and Bob.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- So what... what finally happened there?
- What ended it this time?
- The behind-the-scenes thing killed it.
Really?
- That's too bad.
- At least say it like you mean it.
OK. Let me try it.
Well, that's too bad. How's that?
- Kevin.
- Julia.
Say you've been married for a year,
and your wife says...
- Is this a test?
- Yes. "I met a man at a party,
I slept with him. I promise it'll never
happen again, and I still love only you."
- What would you do?
- I'd take her to a really romantic spot,
like a mountaintop, or a real pretty bridge,
or something like that,
and I'd push her off.
- You wouldn't forgive her.
- No. Well, maybe after the funeral.
What would you do?
- Same thing.
- My kinda girl.
Shall we speak
the unspoken language of love?
- You mean the kind only dogs can hear?
- Yes. The very same.
(barking and howling)
(knocking)
Kevin, open up!
Wake up, sleepyhead!
Kevin? Garvin is panicked.
Chuck and Eddie are already here
for this infomercial, and this script is shit!
There are the research materials. Fax
a new script by 6am, or you're fired!
The election's a week away. I'm tired of
you paying more attention to your reporter
than to your job!
Kevin. Kevin. Wake up.
Wake up. Come on. You gotta...
Kevin, wake up, OK?
We gotta write this thing. Come on.
- Are you awake?
- Uh-huh.
(snoring)
There you go.
All right. Come on. You really
can't handle champagne, can you?
OK.
OK, here we go. Right up here.
Come on, Kevin. Let's go.
Kevin.
Here we go. All right.
Jeez, Kevin, when you sleep,
you really do sleep.
OK, here we go.
Kevin, cut it out. Come on!
We don't have time for games.
All right, here we go. Come on.
Now, where's the... where's the script?
Here, wait here.
Is it in here?
Oh. I got it. OK. OK, here it is. Infomercial.
Right there. OK. Here we go, Kevin.
All right. Hold yourself up here
for just a second. Let's get some light.
Hang on. All right. Now, uh,
you dictate and I'll write, OK?
What would he say?
What would Ray Garvin say?
Let me tell you about...
Go ahead. "Let me tell you..."
Wait, Kevin!
Are you OK?
"Let me tell you about" what?
Myself? My life? My prostate?
Ah. "Let me tell you about my family."
"During this long campaign..."
,, I haven't had a chance
to just sit and talk,
So I wanted to invite you into my home,
where I can sort of let my hair down,
Oh, I hope you don't mind.
You see, I never miss
making my kids' school lunches.
Rusty? Spot?
Hey, Euffles! Euffles!
This is great. You're gonna love this.
Oh, I'll show you later.
- It's Chuck and Eddie!
- (both) Hey!
Julia?
- Hey, Shakespeare!
- Hey. Hi, guys.
- Good stuff.
- Best thing you've ever written.
- Thanks. Thanks.
- Let's get together, huh?
Yeah, yeah. How's it goin'?
- Hey, all right.
- Hey. Home run.
You know, one of the reasons
both of you are out of work,,,
Between employment opportunities,
It's because of policies
like those of my opponent,
For example, if you give
one of those eggs back to me,
that's one less egg for investment,
Euffles!
Boy, you really saved my ass
on this thing, Annette. Thanks.
Julia!
In related news, overnight polls show
reaction to the senatorial debate
clearly favouring Garvin,
- Many believe he has the momentum,,,
- Many?! Who, you and your cousin?
,, especially with tonight's
daring campaign broadcast,
- This is our man,
- Ignorant populist bullshit!
,, which featured a guest appearance
by sitcom favourites Chuck and Eddie,
has clearly helped Garvin,
Have we got the documentation yet
on the Proctor stuff?
That could blow up in our faces.
Put it out there.
OK. Time to play hardball.
- Well, can't we first try to address...
- I don't want to hear it. Get goin'.
(Bob Freed's voice)
- Julia Mann, please.
- I got one for ya!
You're nothin' but a horse's ass!
- Are you all right?
- Yeah. Shit, yeah.
(phone)
Hello. Hello. Hello?
- What's going on?
- Come on in.
I just got off the phone with a, uh, reporter
who, uh, is gonna run a story tonight,
from an unnamed source,
claiming that Ray Garvin
accepted a $400,000 bribe
from junk-bond king Alan Proctor.
- What?
- Oh, my God!
Thus effectively ending our campaign.
Someone turned our finance red file
over to the press.
And I'd just like to know
why in the hell you did it, Annette.
- You're kidding, right?
- I wish I was.
You're serious?
I don't believe this. You have some gall
accusing me. This campaign is my life.
You can take your finance red file
and shove it up your ass!
- Goodbye.
- Why would Annette do that?
Only three people knew enough to be
this unnamed source: Proctor, Garvin,
and whoever gave the files over.
So I ruled out Garvin and Proctor.
- Which reporter?
- It doesn't matter.
- No, no, no. I need to know.
- Bob Freed.
Is Kevin Vallick there?
Thank you. That's all right, thanks.
You're amazing, Julia.
I thought I was good.
Oh, God forbid I endanger your position
in the campaign! Where are you going?
- I'm walking to a more appropriate place.
- Where? A firing range?
- OK, go ahead. What's on your mind?
- Your little Proctor leak. Nice work.
If you can't take competition...
Oh, no! I can take the competition.
It's the backstabbing that's the real drag.
- I keep you from getting fired...
- You keep me from getting fired?
- You keep me from getting fired?!
- What I did last night was a sacrifice.
Really? Thanks. Thanks a lot. I didn't
know sleeping with me was a burden.
- That's not what I meant.
- I should have known.
I don't know why I don't realise this.
I'm such a jerk. Politics
and love never mix. Never.
You know what, Julia?
From the moment I saw you,
I should have just run.
Then run.
Julia!
Mr Vallick?
Proctor bribes Garvin.
Wannamaker goes to the press
with the bribe story.
And Garvin is ruined. All right?
It's all very convenient.
The question is, who gave
the information to Wannamaker?
- I already know who gave it.
- Proctor.
- Why would Proctor do this?
- He bribed both candidates.
He kept 'em both in his pocket.
And he decided he wants Wannamaker
to win, so he's destroying Garvin.
I want him to lose. And I want Garvin
to hire me when you win.
("Sorry Seems To Be
The Hardest Word" by Elton John)
(phone)
What do I do to make you love me?
What have I got to do to be heard?
What do I do when lightning strikes me?
What have I got to do?
What have I got to do?
When sorry seems to be
the hardest word
I would like to introduce
New Mexico's newest senator!
The only man who will do
everything in his power
to make sure that this is the most
progressive state in the Union!
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I was just leaving.
- Yeah, I saw your car.
- Yeah, I've been trying to call you.
- I've been really busy. Sorry.
- I stopped by the hotel.
- I just haven't had a minute to myself.
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's hear it for our new senator!
All right, I'm gonna say this real quickly,
OK? Look, Julia, I'm really sorry.
I didn't know.
I feel like I blew it, and I...
- This is really hard for me to say.
- Harder than not trusting me?
No, no, no. I just...
I couldn't have done it without my staff!
Come on, guys! Come on up here!
- Come on, Julia.
- Come on, he wants us up there.
I, uh...
- What?
- Congratulations!
- Get used to winning, Julia. You're next.
- Uh-huh. Right.
Look at him. He'll never know
how close we came.
How close did we come?
You sure you don't want to be
kept in the dark on this?
Wannamaker took money
from Proctor, too.
Fortunately, Proctor
wanted our guy to win.
Thank you.
Have a nice evening, sir.
What am I doing?
I also wanna give a special thanks
to my press secretary,
a real trouper, Miss Julia Mann!
Oh, come on, Julia.
Come on out here and take a bow.
Come on. Come on.
She's a little shy, folks.
No se tu
Pero yo quisiera repetir
El cansancio que mi hiciste sentir
(over Tannoy) Uh, pardon me, Julia?
Kevin?
Can I talk to you for a second?
- Where the hell are you?
- Up here, on the balcony,
A little to your left,
A little more, Eight here,
- Hi.
- There he is, right up there.
Get rid of that guy! What the hell is this?
I've got a speech to finish.
I know all about Proctor, Lloyd. OK?
So stuff it. You're already finished.
Go ahead, Kevin.
You have something to say?
Here?
Look, I just... I think maybe
there's this tiny little possibility
that maybe we, uh...
we make sense.
Well, we did sleep together,
I'll give you that.
No, I mean we actually slept.
Sleeping slept.
I... I haven't slept like that
for a long time.
- Unlock the door!
- Look, Julia, let's face it.
We belong together.
Why?
God, I'm a writer.
I should be prepared for this stuff.
Uh... Because after all we've been
through, Julia, I mean, look at us.
We're still here, aren't we?
I mean, we're still together.
- Kind of.
- That's it? Can't do any better than that?
Can't do any better... Uh...
- Open the door, sir!
- Well, uh...
- Push it.
- Unlock the door, sir!
Wait right there.
No. Kevin.
- Get him!
- Oh, shit.
(cheering)
- Kevin!
- Julia!
- Tarzan!
- Jane!
- I love you, Julia.
- I love you, Kevin.
What did the lip tattoo say?
- Kiss me.
- "Kiss me"? Nah, you're making that up.
And turning now to
other key races around the country,
Ehode Island may end up
looking like a combat zone,
since relative unknown Julia Mann
announced her candidacy today
- in the heated congressional battle,
- Huh?
This campaign, which
many believe is a long shot,
was defended by campaign manager
Kevin Vallick as the right choice,,,
- Julia and Kevin?
- I give 'em six months.
A year.
Happily ever after.
Well, I bet you any amount of money
He'll be coming back to you
Ooh, I know there ain't no doubt about it
Sometimes life is funny
You think you're in your darkest hour
When the lights are coming on
in the house of love
Ooh
House of love
Oh
You've been up all night
Thinkin' it was over
He's been out of sight
At least for the moment
But when something this strong
Ooh, gets a hold on you
The odds are 99 to one
It's got a hold on him too
Well, I bet you any amount of money
He'll be coming back to you
Ooh, I know there ain't no doubt about it
Sometimes life is funny
You think you're in your darkest hour
When the lights are coming on
in the house of love
When the lights are coming on
in the house of love
Now when the house is dark
And you're all alone inside
You've gotta listen to your heart
Put away your foolish pride
Though the storm is breaking
And thunder shakes the walls
Love with a firm foundation
Ain't never, never, never gonna fall
Well, I bet you any amount of money
He'll be coming back to you
Ooh, I know there ain't no doubt about it
Sometimes life is funny
You think you're in your darkest hour
When the lights are coming on
in the house of love
In the house of love
When the lights are coming on
in the house of love
Though the storm is breaking
And thunder shakes the walls
Love with a firm foundation
Ain't never, never, never gonna fall
Well, I bet you any amount of money
He'll come back to you
Ooh, I know there ain't no doubt about it
Sometimes life is funny
You think you're in your darkest hour
When the lights are coming on
in the house of love
Oh, I bet you
He'll come back to you, back to you
Oh, there ain't no doubt about it
Sometimes life is funny
You think you're in your darkest hour
When the lights are coming on
in the house of love
Marisa Castle de Joncaire
ENHOH