Spent (2017) Movie Script

(alarm clock ringing)
(man sighing)
(soft music)
Love can't go wrong
(water splashing)
With a girl like this
Like Cupid's arrow
This love just can't miss
Your love it makes me
Feel like a million dollars
You make feel like
A full bright scholar
Love can't go wrong
With a girl like this
My ship's come in
Love is on the list
Red flags they may wave
Gale winds I may brave
But love can't go wrong
With a girl like this
(soft symphonic music)
Your love it makes me feel
Like a million dollars
You make me feel like I'm Ginger Rogers
Love can't go wrong
With a girl like this
My ship's come in
Love is on the list
Red flags they may wave
Gale winds I may brave
But love can't go wrong
With a girl like this
- Gregory, really you flatter me so.
Let's just see what
Gregory thinks of this.
Oh, I think Gregory is gonna like this.
Yes, I do.
darling you are divine.
(soft piano music)
(birds chirping)
(soft music)
- I'm sorry to be quitting on
you like this, Mr. Carmichael.
I really should've given you notice,
but life is changing.
- No two week notice, no pay.
You know you kids are something else.
Everybody wants to chase their dreams
while I'm stuck in this place.
- It's not going to be the
same without you here, Lon.
You'll come back to see
a movie or something.
This isn't the last time
I'll see you, right?
- I was hoping to say goodbye to you.
Of course not.
I mean the new Annie move's
coming out soon, right?
- You know it is.
You won't forget me will you?
- I can never forget that.
That face it's quite a nice face
quite the structure.
- Go get yourself a sweater
'cause your uncle keeps
this place way too cold.
- I'm not taking money from you.
- It's not from me it's from my dad.
Think of it as a gift,
and there will be a lot more soon.
- I don't want you
money or your pity, Lon.
It's fine.
I'm fine.
- Please.
- No.
- Fine then be stubborn.
(uncle laughing)
- Spending your daddy's money.
Is that his wallet too.
- The Schumacher's are
moving up in this world
Mr. Carmichael just you watch.
- Not as long as your daddy's alive.
He was as tightfisted as they come.
Every family has its miser.
- Well, he's pretty
close to death right now,
Mr. Carmichael.
- Oh,
I didn't know.
I thought those were just rumors.
Well, don't I feel like a heel.
Give him my best.
- I gotta get out of here, Sarah.
I'll be back on...
When do we get the new Annie?
- Lonnie, you can't let
my uncle get to you.
That's just who he is.
- Nah, it's fine.
Besides I'll see you later.
- Promise me you will.
I mean I'll miss you.
(soft music)
- Shelby, what are you doing?
- What does it look like I'm doing?
- Well, I mean why aren't you in the shade
or under an umbrella or something?
This looks miserable.
Shelby, this is warm.
- Yeah, I know.
- Actually it's not even warm.
It's hot.
- That's what happens
when you don't have a portable fridge.
- Well, what about a
cooler filled with ice?
- I don't have one of those either.
- So buy one.
- What do you think I'm
selling root beer for.
- For a cooler?
Okay, now I've heard everything.
Here take this.
It's from my dad.
- From your dad?
Now I've heard everything, but I couldn't.
- Take it.
- Since it seems so important to you.
(smooth jazz music)
- (gasping) My goodness, Mr. Frieze.
Gregory, you scared me.
- Forgive me.
But it was you who startled me.
Evelyn, Evelyn, Evelyn,
I dreamt about you last night
in those early morning hours.
I didn't expect you here so soon.
Of course I had hoped.
- (gasping) Oh, last night
Last night, Gregory
did you mean all of those
things that you said to me?
Tell me that you did.
Tell me that I wasn't dreaming.
- Darling.
- I had to come and touch you
and feel you and just prove to myself
that you are real.
That we are real.
That last night meant as much to you
as it did to me.
Oh, it's as if I'm alive.
It's not just because I...
It's not just because we...
No, no it's not that.
Gregory, I want to know
everything about you
if you wear socks to bed
(soft piano music)
on cold winter nights,
if you prefer fiction or nonfiction,
if you are Earl Grey man (laughing).
- Darling.
(soft piano music)
- What's wrong?
- I'm not in the habit of
seducing married women.
- I know.
No of course not.
- I made an exception with you, Evelyn
and not just because of your generosity.
And those golf clubs are a terrific.
No, no, I made the exception
because of your husband
and his condition.
Everything on track with that, right?
- Gregory, you asked me this last night,
and I told you everything
was on track then
and everything is on track now.
His death is imminent.
I'm surprised I haven't
gotten a phone call
with the news by now.
- I'm sorry to badger you truly I am.
You've been such a long suffering woman
a saint really a beautiful
- Wait, wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
There's something.
I have something I want to give you.
How about that?
In case you want to surprise me
with flowers.
Tulips are lovely.
Or chocolate.
I prefer dark.
- But your son?
- Lonnie (laughing).
He sleeps like the dead,
and besides it's only until
you and I can make more
permanent arrangements.
(bells chiming)
(soft music)
- Oh, my.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
I am looking for a shawl.
How long till you close?
- We close in eight minutes.
(soft music)
- Here let me help you with that.
What are you doing out here, Shelby?
- Well, I was selling root beer.
- This is certainly the day for it.
- Which is why I thought
I would have more than one customer.
- Take this.
Then you can say you had
two customers for the day.
- [Shelby] Thank you,
thank you, thank you.
- Let's not get all sappy about it.
Consider it a gift from my husband
for your entrepreneurial endeavors.
How's your grandmother, Shelby?
I heard she was ill.
- She is.
- I'm sorry.
Will you give her my best?
- I will.
- [Shelby] Mrs. Schumacher, your flag.
- Oh, you keep it, Shelby.
Well, baby what I couldn't do
With plenty of money and you
It's the root of all evil
Of strife and upheaval
But I'm certain honey
That life would be sunny
With plenty of money and you
(sultry rock music)
- So I guess that means you still love it.
- [Lonnie] It's brilliant.
- But let me guess you're
waiting another week.
- Hell no today is the day.
- Good.
I've had the contract
drawn up for a month now.
- And I have the signature.
My father should've been a
doctor for how legible it is.
- Even better let's get
this thing finalized.
By the way I've got a surprise
for you waiting in the office.
- Do you now.
- How many hours have
you put in helping others
and volunteering in the community
not to mention raising a son?
No, no, no that is no excuse.
No excuse.
It is not fair making a
wife beg for every penny.
Making her live on rummage sale leftovers
and giving her a budget
that a cloister nun
couldn't live on much
less a wife and a mother.
Didn't I tell you not to marry him?
- You did, and
and you were right.
He's stingy there's no doubt about it.
But he was thoughtful when
we first started dating.
Do you remember that time
when he came to my door step
with fresh red roses?
- And you hate red roses.
And he swiped those from
the Garcia's garden.
- He didn't know.
- And he still doesn't know.
Evelyn, he doesn't know a
thing about who you are.
- Well, he should know we've been married
for two and a half decades.
- What did he hijack for
your last anniversary?
- [Evelyn] Roses.
- Look sweetie I don't blame you.
It's not your fault.
I blame your mother.
You know her neighbor
that bank teller woman
that couldn't keep a secret
if it was pinned to the
under side of her bra.
Well, if she hadn't told your mother
about his growing bank account,
your mother would've
slammed the door on him
and those damn roses.
- Well, it's almost over now.
The doctor gave him a day,
I mean hours really.
The next 25 years
should certainly make up for the last 25.
Don't say anything yet, but I think that
Gregory is gonna ask me to marry him.
Listen, Trudy
I have got to stop procrastinating.
I'm on my way over to the
hospital to say goodbye to him.
- Well, be sure to tell him
that I said good riddance.
- A city slicker came in
yesterday offered to pay me cash.
- Not that you would've sold it to him.
- Oh, make no mistake, Lonnie
I am available to the highest bidder.
- Margot, in a couple of days
I'm gonna be out bidding
every one of them.
- And as of now you still
have all my affections.
Are you ready for your surprise?
- Here, now
in broad daylight?
- It's a print, Lonnie
a print.
- No.
You didn't.
- Oh, I did.
Lonnie Schumacher, may I present you with
an original and signed Patrick Van Spencer
commemorating one of the
greatest musicals of all time.
- I've never seen anything like this.
It's breathtaking.
The minimalism is innovating,
inspiring, and thought provoking.
- Well, the artist is clearly a genius.
- Clearly.
But what musical was it from?
- What kind of dolt are you?
- Oh, right, Grease.
Margot, I don't know what to say.
I owe you so much.
- Yes, you certainly do,
and I'm getting tired of waiting.
Who knows
It's only just out of reach
Down the block on the beach under a tree
I got a feeling there's a miracle due
Gonna come true coming to me
Could it be, yes, it could
Something's coming something good
- Well, you're looking
rather refreshed, mother.
- Thank you.
You're looking particularly vibrant too.
Looks like it was good for both of us to
get out of here for a little while.
- What are you wearing?
- Milan something or other I don't know.
I saw it in a magazine.
- How much did it cost?
- Oh, no, nothing yet.
It's sort of like cloying,
like gardenias in a funeral home.
Let's not order any gardenias
when the time comes.
- Good point.
We'll, get something cheaper
or just skip flowers all together.
It's the way dad would've wanted it.
- You're not going to believe
what I'm about to tell you.
- Go ahead you can tell us
because we prepared for this moment.
- But that's what I'm trying to tell you.
His tumor was growing at a rate of
over a centimeter a week.
This week that rate had even increased.
By my calculations today,
tomorrow at the very latest.
Well, as you know there
was no way to operate on it
not where that monster was located.
- We know, we know.
- And that's why we're so darn prepared.
- I don't think anybody
could be prepared for this.
- Trust us we're exceptional people.
- He's dead already isn't it, Dr. Rogers?
You can tell us.
- Quite the contrary, Mrs. Schumacher.
Your husband is going to
live, Mrs. Schumacher.
A few hours ago he went into a brief
yet violent spasm so
I ordered another MRI.
We didn't know what we'd find,
but never guessed at what we did find.
That tumor has all but disappeared.
I've never seen anything like this.
The man is a walking, talking miracle.
You'd think it was Christmas.
- A miracle.
- A miracle.
I myself have never seen one before.
Though I did hear about a
case at Pine Hill Medical
where a woman who had been
paralyzed was walking.
- We get it.
He's a miracle,
a walking, talking 4th of July miracle.
We get it.
It's wonderful.
When do we have to see him?
- If it isn't my two favorite people.
Evelyn, you're looking
as well groomed as usual,
and, Lonnie, you're
looking as scruffy as usual
you little rascal you (laughing).
I know what it is they
don't know the news.
- Well, you better fill them in.
- Lose that frown.
Evelyn, throw glumness out
the window, sweet cakes.
I am a walking, talking,
4th of July miracle.
I'm gonna live for a whole lot of years.
Oh, it is my lucky day (laughing).
- The last nurse did not indicate
the color of your urine this afternoon.
Is it currently running clear or yellow
on a scale of one to five?
- Well, let's see.
It's clearer than molasses in the fall,
but it's not quite as clear as the air
on a morning in the spring.
- Dad, are you on drugs?
- (laughing) Just the drug of life,
limb, and pursuit of happiness.
- [Nurse] Okay, on a
scale from one to five?
- Oh, two.
- This is
so great.
- I know it's hard to believe, mom
but just think all of our
prayers have been answered.
- You guys have been praying for me?
Hey, thank you Lord for taking the time
out of your busy day to
answer my family's prayers.
- Last bowel movement?
- [Herbert] On a scale to one to five
10 (laughing).
- The time of the event?
- An hour ago.
- Very good.
Very good.
It's been interesting, Mr. Schumacher
very interesting indeed.
I wish you the best of luck.
- Of course we've been praying, Herby.
We've practically worn the floor out
with our pacing and our praying.
Never ever expecting this day to come.
You have to forgive me if
I seem a little stunned.
It's just that
It's just that
well with the disappearance
of the brain tumor
we've just never seen you
this exuberant before.
- Well, you know if you've been
as close to the river sticks
and that money grubby
ferry man as I've been,
you can really see the
wonder of this world.
Evelyn, I'm a changed man.
I am overjoyed to be alive.
- You certainly don't seem like the
man that I left last night.
- You know,
when you guys came in here I lied.
You don't look great.
You look like hell.
It must have been hard on you guys.
Me being away so long, and
you thinking this was the last day.
You know what I wasn't gonna do this,
but let's celebrate.
Let's go all out.
- You mean at like a restaurant?
- Yeah, where else I mean not gonna be any
cooking for my sweetheart tonight no sire.
- Where do you wanna go?
- The nurse gave me a coupon for 40% off
at the Chinese restaurant
that's just a few miles from our house.
It is our lucky day.
Isn't this grand all this food,
all this time we're spending together?
If you noticed,
I splurged on a second
box of kung pao chicken.
- We were supposed to go out, Herbert
to an air conditioned restaurant.
- Out?
When we can be here
in the comfort of our own home
with all of this.
And don't think I didn't notice
that you all had the air on either.
But it's back to normal now.
That hospital was frigid.
I can't imagine what their
electric bill comes to.
Just about got a sinus infection.
It's a good thing I got better when I did.
- What would we ever do without you dad.
(soft musical ring tone)
- (sighing) Evelyn.
- [Evelyn] Of course it's
Evelyn who else would it be?
How many women have you phone number?
- Three, but two are related to me.
- Sorry, Gregory.
I'm not even making any sense.
It's because
something has gone terribly wrong.
The hospital waiting room doctor came in,
and then 40% off Chinese food
and hospital slippers.
- Evelyn, stop.
You're really not making any sense.
- I'm sorry, Gregory.
It's just because there's
no sense to be made.
No sense at all.
- Just (sighing)
Just meet me at the
usual place in an hour.
I promise everything will work out okay.
- Okay.
I'll meet you there.
- Please, please, please,
please, please pick up.
Why aren't you picking up?
Why aren't you picking up, Margot?
Please pick up, please, please, please.
You picked up.
- [Margot] Yes, unfortunately I did.
What do you need?
- It's over.
All of our dreams are over, Margot.
- What do you mean?
- [Herbert] Hey, we have enough leftovers
for dinner tomorrow night.
It's our lucky day (laughing).
- Can't talk here.
We have to meet and for heavens sake
let's make sure it's someplace cool.
- You are not getting in my bed, Lonnie.
Stop asking.
- Cut it out this is important.
- Alright fine.
We'll meet.
Meet me where you first met me.
You remember where that is don't you?
- [Lonnie] Of course.
- Good then I'll see you there
in how ever long it takes me to get ready.
- [Joe] Order up.
(soft jazz music)
- I took the liberty
of ordering you a beer,
but it looks like you could
use a tranquilizer dart.
What's so terribly wrong?
- This is serious, Margot,
and it effects you too.
- Nobody could've foreseen this.
- What?
What is it?
- But it's the reality
we'll have to deal with.
- What is it?
- The doctor called it
a 4th of July miracle.
But really it's a--
- Disaster for my independence.
- Would you please just tell
me what is going on here?
- Herb isn't dead nor
will he be anytime soon.
- My dad's brain tumor disappeared faster
than a BMW on the auto bond.
There go my plans.
There go my dreams.
I was gonna open up something
I don't know a business or something.
I didn't get two minutes
to think about it.
- He'll out live me I know he will.
There never will be any white
sand wedge between my toes
or warm turquoise waters
caressing my shoulders.
Living with him was hard enough before,
but now after having
tasted of you, Gregory,
of love
- [Joe] I said order up 10 times.
How many more times do
I gotta say order up?
- [Waitress] Reign your
(mumbling) in, Joe.
I've only got two hands.
- I just can't go back to that life.
He doesn't love me not really
not like he loves his money.
- Get yourself together woman.
There must be some mistake.
That tumor was the size
of a Granny Smith apple.
Something like that can't just disappear.
- On the contrary apparently it can.
- Evelyn,
we've come too far.
- We've got dreams yet
to dream you and me.
- Which is why this little miracle--
- Is going to be turned into a tragedy.
(soft squeaking)
- Hey, Josepe you might wanna
put out some more poison
if you wanna get rid of the big rat.
- [Joe] Hey, don't Josepe
me or I'll Josepe you.
I'll take care of it after we close.
- Better put out one of
them industrial boxes.
- I gotta go, Gregory
before Herb gets suspicious.
Buying day old bread
can only take so long.
- Margot, I'm too tired to think
about this anymore tonight.
- Evelyn, you heard the waitress.
We have a rat
and that rat needs to go.
You know what you have to do.
Call me when it's over.
- You've got to keep your
head in the game, Lonnie.
You heard the waitress.
Rat poison there's no other way.
- I don't know.
(Margot sighing)
- Go on home, Lonnie.
Get your beauty sleep.
- Rat poison you buy it at the drugstore.
It's the only way you
and I can have a future.
(soft music)
(soft sultry music)
- Phlopsey's.
- It was my mother's shop.
God rest her soul.
- So she just gave it to you?
- But why talk about her.
I want to talk about this
beautiful swan like neck
and how it cries out for diamonds
to encircle its elegant circumference.
- Well, I wanna talk
about these shoulders,
these arms, these hands.
They should be gripped around
a leather stirring wheel
with cruise control that
tilts in every direction.
- After you.
(soft jazz music)
- I did not know that
water came in that color.
Trip like that probably cost a fortune.
(paper ripping)
(birds squawking)
(dramatic music)
Two points (laughing).
She must have won you at bingo.
(dramatic music)
(Herbert laughing)
- Herb.
where are you?
(water splashing)
(dramatic music)
(Herbert singing faintly)
- Hi, when did you get home?
- Why didn't you answer me?
Go back in there get ready for bed.
(loud banging)
Herbert, I can explain.
- There's no need to explain, darling.
You were just simply checking our assets
making sure that everything was right.
I'm glad you were able
to get along so well
when you were alone.
- Well, I have had Lonnie.
- Hey, did you catch the Cubs last night?
- You know he's not as incompetent
as you make him out to be.
- Well, he's certainly not
a chip off of this old block
if only he were.
- [Evelyn] You two have more
in common than you know.
And he is plenty capable.
- Sure, he's 23 years old.
He still lives at home because what?
They won't pay him what he's really worth
at the movie theater.
That's no reason to
question his competence.
- [Evelyn] Don't be cheeky.
- [Herbert] Me cheeky.
- Yes, you.
You know you should've encouraged him more
when it came to going to college.
- I did encourage him.
- You tried to strong arm him
into being a Phoenix graduate
so you could save a buck.
- It's a legitimate school.
- Not for a musical theater major.
Okay, look what we've done for him?
Zip, zero.
We named the poor boy Lonnie
after your grandfather for Pete's sake.
He deserved more from us
if only to make up for that.
- What we should've named him
after one of your crazy
Hungarian relatives.
- How many times do I have to tell you
they're not Hungarian.
- Besides
he's already accomplished
half of his life's goals.
He works in the movie theater, doesn't he?
- You are impossible, Herbert.
You are never gonna change.
You could've done so
much good with your money
for your family, for the community.
I should've earned my own money.
- For what?
We have plenty.
We're walking in tall clover.
- But you choose to hide it all away
for some imagery golden years.
- Our golden years and
they are not imagery.
They're right there at
the front door right now.
You know just a half an hour of ago
I was thinking of taking
you to a beautiful beach.
- Oh, sure like you were gonna take me
to a restaurant tonight.
You are impossible.
I need some air.
You have been a miser
your entire life, Herbert.
I see that now.
And it is because of you
and your backwards way of thinking
that we are stuck living in the dark ages.
Well, no more.
(soft piano music)
(birds chirping)
(soft music)
(smooth jazz music)
(smooth jazz music)
- You've been good to me, Lord
really saved my skin this time.
And I suppose I should say
thank you so thank you.
And another thing, Lord
be with me today as I go
through our family finances.
Also let there be no surprises today
nothing that would poison our fireworks
or celebrations for me or my family.
(dramatic music)
Is everything okay down there?
- Everything's just fine dear.
(soft music)
- It's Margot from the
restaurant last night.
I believe you mentioned the exquisiteness
of my neck if I remember correctly.
- Of course.
Margot, Margot, Margot
I dreamt of you
and those explosive green
eyes of yours last night.
- Really.
- [Gregory] Would I lie?
- I don't know would you?
- No, but I guess you'll
have to take my word for it.
- Well, I don't know about that.
I couldn't help but notice
that we had a second meeting last night.
- [Gregory] Not the most
romantic spot in the world.
- And I wondered if you might be there
for the same reason I was.
- And what reason is that?
- [Margot] Insurance.
- Not the most romantic
word in the American Lexicon
but certainly interesting.
- That's what I thought last night
as I replayed the whole scene in my head
as I lay alone in my
great big four poster.
- [Gregory] The words are becoming
more romantic by the second.
- But you still haven't
answered my question.
- [Gregory] Which was?
- Why were you standing in aisle three
of the drugstore last night?
- Was that shampoo and hair color?
- I'm hanging up in three.
- Don't bristle I was just
having a little fun with you.
I was there for insurance too.
A man has to protect his investment.
- Is that all she is to you?
- [Gregory] What?
- An investment.
- Does it really matter to you
or are you just having fun with me now?
- It matters.
It's silly I know.
And I'm not prone to silliness.
But it matters.
- Years from now when
we're sailing our yacht
through the azure waters
of the Mediterranean
we'll reminisce how it all began.
- And I have the perfect name.
- [Gregory] For what?
- Our yacht.
- Oh.
- [Margot] Aisle three.
- Oh.
- Oh, articulate and hansom.
- So I'll see you this afternoon.
- [Margot] Maybe you will maybe you won't.
- Well, I'm picking out a tie right now.
- You should.
- You know maybe today I won't wear a tie.
- Oh, very brave.
- Nobody treats me better
than you, dear (laughing).
Think I'll look at the bills
first take a walk later.
- No, you can't (stammering).
- What she means to say is that the doctor
the doctor told you to
go on a walk every day
hot sunshine or rain.
And well look at this
temperate morning we have.
- And your circulatory system has
been ignored for far too long, Herbert.
- I suppose you're right.
Heaven knows I don't wanna end up
back in the hospital again.
- [Evelyn] Don't forget these.
- Thank you.
- What's that?
- [Evelyn] Just a little
snack for your father.
- But I packed him one too.
Who'd a fed the richest cat
The golden macaroni
(Herbert singing softly)
- [Evelyn] Enjoy.
- [Herbert] I will.
- He really wasn't that
terrible of a father.
I mean everybody has their flaws, right?
- His flaws are killing us, Lonnie
squeezing us.
Rationing the air that
we breathe until I'm left
gulping at what little remains.
I just can't take
not anymore.
If he doesn't die, I will.
- Mom.
- I'm serious, Lonnie.
So save your sentimentality.
You can eulogize him
till your heart's content
in a few days.
As for now I need some help
getting into that bank account
make it seem a little less
suspicious when he goes.
(dramatic music)
What do you think you're doing?
Come back here.
(suspenseful music)
(loud thud)
(Evelyn gasping)
(Herbert singing softly)
- Here ducky, ducky, ducky.
I know you're gonna
like what I've got here.
But it is mostly pure fat and sugar
and too much sugar could kill you
at least that's what Nurse
Pruitt used to tell me
when I'd ask for a
- Herb, is that you?
- Second brownie.
Marty, (laughing).
Marty, hey it's good to see you man.
It's been a long time.
See you my friend you are looking good.
- Me.
Look at you.
The last I heard
you know things weren't going well.
- Well, you know they
tell me I'm the equivalent
of a Christmas miracle just
six months early or late.
- So was it the whole brain thing?
- Yes, but good as new.
- You know,
my sciatica's been acting up.
- Oh, is that right.
- Yeah, I'm thinking about
taking early retirement.
- Oh, well, it worked out for me.
Although I didn't really have a choice.
When the plants merged
some of us had to go.
But fortunately I had just enough savings
that we could make it.
- Savings what's that?
You know those women work
against us all the time.
They need, need, need.
(Herbert laughing)
Underwear, socks, shoes,
sandals, high heels, flats, boots.
- Are you gonna help me
correct this password or what?
- He keeps it taped under the desk.
- What?
- He keeps his passwords taped
on a sheet of paper under the desk.
It's also got our social security numbers,
shoe sizes, birthday cake preferences.
- You have got to be kidding me.
How long have you been
keeping this little secret?
- Since I was like four.
I didn't know it was a secret.
It's where I used to play
so I could be close to him.
- Well, why didn't you tell me?
Do you know how much time I have put
into trying to find this password?
- Can't read minds, mom.
You've kept me out of this room
since the day dad was put in the hospital.
How was I supposed to know
what you were doing in here?
(soft music)
- I swear if you hadn't
been bared straight
from my loins I'd have a maternity test.
Look at this.
- How many hours of over time
have we put in for those women
for our families and what do we get?
We get a tie on Father's Day,
and sandals for our birthday,
and a statue for Christmas.
- My favorite color is not chartreuse.
- Evita is not one of
my favorite musicales.
He can't keep stuff like that straight.
Look at this one Chinese zodiac.
I was not born in the year of the rat.
You were.
- I thought I was a snake.
- Whatever what does any of it matter.
- You know there sure is a lot of
useless junk for sale in the world.
- [Marty] There sure is.
- What gets me is that
some general manager
somewhere in some factory decided
that this piece of crap was
worthy of manufacturing.
Somebody thought that
this was a good idea.
- And somebody like my wife or your wife
put down some hard earned
cash and what does it do?
It just collects dust.
(soft music)
- Goodness checking account is low.
- How low?
- Not sure but it seems like
overdraft covered some charges.
- I didn't know we had overdraft.
- The bank gave it to your
father without charging him.
Probably knew he'd never use it.
- Well, why did it kick in now?
(soft clicking)
- I don't know.
I'm gonna transfer a $1,000 from savings.
If your father had seen this,
I don't wanna think about that.
- Maybe we should let him see it.
Maybe then we wouldn't have to
poison him.
- Lonnie.
- [Lonnie] What don't yell at me.
- [Evelyn] Oh, my god, oh, my god.
- Myra's turned me into
a slave for our stuff.
- Maybe your wife but not my Evelyn.
She is as prudent as they come.
She runs a tight ship.
She doesn't go in for all
that frilly nonsense either.
Nah, no not my Evelyn.
- My god.
- What.
What, what is it mom?
Mom, what is it?
- Oh, my god.
- 2842.
- What do you mean 2842?
- $28.42
that is what is left
in the savings account.
- Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
There must be some mistake.
We had half a million
dollars in this account.
- Oh, my god, oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
- I can't open our closet
without one of Myra's needs falling out.
When I ask her about it she says,
"Oh, that old thing.
"I've had it for ages."
- You know I did discover
something strange the other day.
The closet you say?
- Dad is gonna kill you.
- Me.
I didn't spend that money Mr. Sports Car.
- I didn't have access to that account
Ms. Diamond Earrings.
- Pearl.
And those accounts are linked
that's what overdraft is.
- No, it still doesn't make any sense.
I only put a down payment on that car.
There is no way that we went through
half a million dollars in three months.
- It always starts in the closet.
You'll find bags and wrapping paper
and price tags that have
been hastily ripped off
and shoved into unusual places.
Check your shoes.
- My...
I will.
- He's gonna eat those donuts
and cookies for nothing.
There's no money left.
- But there's nothing
that we can do about it.
He's probably eaten
every last morsal by now.
You know what an appetite your father has.
Thank you.
- So it's over?
- It's over
except I've got a phone call to make.
- I think I do too.
(phone ringing)
(soft music)
(lively ringtone music)
(dramatic music)
(lively ringtone music)
(phone ringing)
(lively ringtone music)
- Was that Lonnie?
- Who else.
- I'll give you three guesses
as to who was just calling me.
- Evelyn, Evelyn, Evelyn.
- You're a million.
- We both will be soon enough.
What crisis do you suppose
those two are having now?
- Oh, Gregory, Herbert
has just insufferable.
I can't figure out the rat poison.
It's just not cooperating.
- Margot, oh Margot
give me the world
wrapped in a big red bow.
I'll be taking a nap.
- [Gregory] They're weak.
- They talk a big game,
but when it comes right down to it
- They're not gonna go
through it with are they?
- Of course not.
(soft music)
- How much money is at stake here?
- Well, from what Lonnie's
told me an easy couple million.
- I knew it.
Evelyn was cagey about the exact number,
but we can't let this
slip through our fingers.
- No.
- I think it's clear.
We've gotta take care
of our own pest problem.
- We do.
- Go big
or go home.
- To insurance.
- Insurance.
(soft piano music)
(doorbell chiming)
- Margot.
Margot, open up.
Margot, open up it's important.
- Gregory.
(dramatic music)
- You're sure Herbert's favorite pizza is
pineapple, sausage, and feta cheese?
- That's what Lonnie said.
He'd pick one up every half price Tuesday
to take to his father in the hospital.
(bell chiming)
- They're not here.
- Well, what do we do now?
- Not to worry.
- [Margot] You know red looks good on you.
- Well, it is the color of love.
You know I don't use the word love often.
Do you know how beautiful you are?
- I am.
- You don't need to wear this wig.
- What I don't...
What wig how did you?
- Here will you hold this?
- Yes.
Yes, I will.
Just hold on please
I have very delicate hands you know.
(soft music)
- (laughing) You startled me.
I'm getting into the spirit.
Can I help you folks?
- We're so sorry.
We didn't mean to startle
you, Mr. Schumacher.
- It is Mr. Schumacher correct?
Because that is the name
that we randomly drew
for a 4th of July deluxe pizza pie.
- This is my lucky week.
In lieu of a tip I'm gonna go upstairs
right now and give you
guys a glowing Yelp review.
- Don't let that pizza get cold.
- I wouldn't think of it.
- Mr. Schumacher, you
enjoy Italian sausage,
pineapple, and extra feta
on your pizza, right?
- Ma'am, I never met a
free pizza I did not like.
- [Margot] Good.
- Thanks a lot bye, bye.
Pizza, whoo-hoo.
(soft flute music)
- Dad.
Dad, don't eat those cookies.
- It's too late.
- The police have probably already
taken his body to the morgue.
- Can they trace rat poison?
(soft flute music)
- What the heck?
(dramatic music)
- I'm exhausted.
- Yep,
me too.
(loud thud)
(Lonnie groaning)
(soft piano music)
(crickets chirping)
(festive holiday music)
- Well, if it isn't my two most
favorite people in the world.
Evelyn, you're not looking as well groomed
as ever this evening my dear.
Lonnie, same goes for you.
Okay, you two listen.
Have a seat, sit down, take a load off.
The fireworks are about to begin.
(festive holiday music)
- Italian sausage,
feta, and pineapple my favorite.
I'm famished.
This feta is amazing.
- I thought Italian sausage, feta,
and pineapple was dad's favorite.
- Huh, no, no.
I thought it was yours.
I prefer mushrooms and onions myself
but that is beside the point.
- [Reporter] In local
news residents enjoying a
4th of July afternoon stroll
came upon a bizarre
sight at O'Reilly Park.
At least two-dozen squirrels lay dead
on the west end of the park.
The CSI official who was
called into the scene
said he never seen anything like it.
- [CSI Agent] They were
laid out like in two
concentric circles surrounding
the garbage receptacle.
It was like some miniature
toppled Stone Hinge or something.
- [Reporter] However
that's not the only strange
element in this incident.
All the squirrels were
reported to have remnant
of jelly donuts and cookies hanging
from the sides of their mouths.
As a result both squirrels and sweets
have been taken to the
Piedmont Lab for testing.
- I'm gonna need a little
Alka-Seltzer here before too long.
Son, have some pizza.
I'm sorry I could not
wait till you got home.
- Are those new pajamas Herby?
They're very nice.
- They're scrubs, Evelyn.
The nurse acquired them for me.
- That's my pop.
Always saving a penny.
- That's more than I could say for you
and you.
- What on Earth are you talking about?
- This is what I'm talking
about your outrageous spending
when I was in the hospital dying
from a massive brain tumor.
It took me a long time to figure out
all of those expenditures but I got them.
- I only spent money on
basic household needs.
- [Herbert] Basic household needs, huh.
- Okay, well, maybe one or two extras
but that is no reason to get upset.
I couldn't help myself, Herbert.
I was just feeling so distraught.
The thought of you being in the hospital
and just dying a little more each day was
- Really.
Did the diamond earrings help?
And how about the sports car?
- Pearl.
And the sports car was him.
- Oh, and how about the
professional teeth whitening kit?
- Her.
- And a time share
in Detroit?
- It seemed like a good
investment at the time.
Hey, at least I didn't join
the stamp of the month club.
- Okay, I'll admit it I'm into philately.
But listen, Herb, we are not responsible
for the loss of all of that money.
Sure we spent a little
here and a little there,
but there is no way that we burned through
a half a million dollars in three months.
- Dad.
- No, no, no, no stop it.
Haven't you done enough already?
Harmonica lessons, skeet shooting,
hair waxing
Irish linen boxers,
polarized sunglasses,
golf clubs.
Who in the hell
plays golf in this family?
Lifetime theater tickets
to the Kennedy Center.
- Dad, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
I'll sell everything.
I'll sell all of it.
- We bought all that?
I had no idea I spent that much.
I truly did think it was
just a little bit here
and a little bit there.
My goodness.
Who knew money could go that fast?
- I worked for that money, Evelyn
I did without, I gave up things.
And now, now look at us.
We are a joke,
a very bad joke.
last night you called me a miser.
And I'm beginning to
think that you were right.
All my life I was saving
for one thing or the other.
First, it was marriage.
But did I give you the
honeymoon you wanted?
- Herb, I had a perfectly
great tan in Death Valley,
and that was the cleanest
Motel 6 we've ever stayed in.
- And then it was for a baby.
But there too I made you cut
every single possible corner.
Like making you buy those
second-hand cloth diapers.
- What a great conversation starter
that turned out to be at the laundromat.
- I should've bought you a
washing machine and clothes line.
- Don't give it another thought.
I mean Lonnie and I
have very fond memories
of looking for quarters
and dimes in the sofa.
- And now it looks like our
golden years are gone too.
If only some good
could've come from my money.
(Herbert groaning)
Something meaningful, you know.
(soft piano music)
Son, don't let that pizza go to waste.
Son, go get your father a cool wash cloth
and some ginger tea.
Party's over
It's time to call it a day
They've burst your pretty balloon
And taken the moon away
I do hope the good Lord can forgive me.
(fireworks popping)
(soft piano music)
(fireworks popping)
- Speaking of forgiving
Herbert, there's something
I have to tell you.
I had
I had an illicit,
passionate affair
but only once.
(Herbert groaning)
- [Herbert] How much did that cost?
(soft piano music)
- Everything.
- Ice cold root beer
on such a beautiful day
now that's what I'm talking about.
Hey, listen I heard
about your grandmother.
I just wanted to let
you know that I'm sorry.
Real sorry.
- It's okay.
She got one last 4th of July.
She said it would feel like a miracle
if she could see the
fireworks one more time
with her cataracts and all and she did.
- Hey, is your sister working?
Don't you go anywhere.
I'm gonna be right back for one of these.
- [Customer] Here you go.
(soft music)
- Well, wonders never cease.
- Come on, Sarah.
- Oh, don't you come on Sarah me.
You said you'd come back to
see Annie and it came and went.
to bad reviews I might add and no Lonnie.
- That's not fair we
both had a lot going on.
- I know.
I was really sorry to hear
about your mother and father.
Do they know what happened?
They said there was a rash of it going on.
Look what happened to
those poor squirrels.
It's all so mysterious.
- They say it was some
sort of food poisoning
likely the feta cheese in the pizza.
If only my father hadn't
been such a big eater
or my mother hadn't liked Italian sausage,
feta, and pineapple so much.
It was her favorite.
I was very sorry to hear
about your grandmother.
- It's okay.
She's in a better place.
- That's for sure.
Speaking of being in a place.
I'm in a pretty bad one myself.
I really need a job.
I've looked everywhere.
I don't suppose your uncle
would give me back my old job?
I wouldn't be asking
if I wasn't desperate.
- Yeah, that job's gonna, Lonnie.
But I hear the manager's job is open?
- Are are you serious.
Did your uncle retire?
- Not exactly.
He quit.
- Why?
- My grandmother left the
theater to the three of us
as long as we didn't sell it.
She loved the theater.
I guess my uncle worked all those years
waiting for us to sell it and cash in.
- Whoa, what do you know.
Today must be my lucky day (laughing).
Can you forgive me, Sarah?
- I don't know I'll
have to think about it.
- [Lonnie] Please.
- I don't know.
Daisy, Daisy
Give me your answer do
I'm half crazy
Falling in love with you
- Oh, fine, how can I stay mad at you.
Hold on I have something for you.
I found these on Ebay.
- It is my lucky day.
- Well, what do you know.
Lonnie, this place could
use some musical theater
don't you think?
I mean we have that huge
stage in theater one.
Maybe we could start a workshop
on Tuesdays and Thursdays?
It won't be a stylish marriage
I can't afford a carriage
But you'll look sweet upon the seat
Of a bicycle built for two
(soft jazz music)
- [Robert] Stop it, Patricia.
We don't have the money.
- [Patricia] But you promised.
I haven't seen my sister
in almost 4 years.
- [Robert] I wasn't counting
on us needing a new roof.
- [Patricia] It's always something
when I wanna go somewhere.
- [Robert] Patricia, please.
- [Patricia] I think you
plan it that way on purpose.
- [Robert] You're acting like a child.
We'll save for it again.
- [Patricia] And then the
car will need a new engine.
No, wait that was last year.
Just be honest, Robert.
There will never be enough money
to do the things I wanna do just say it.
- [Robert] Patricia, that's just not so.
(soft jazz music)
- [Lonnie] But, hey,
about that blond woman.
The paper says that she got Phlopsey's
when the owner high tailed it to Tijuana.
She sold his ties kept
the hats and jewelry
and is apparently donating
the building to the homeless.