Splitsville (2025) Movie Script

1
This song is so good.
I know.
Why is this song so good?
Do you want to do it?
Yeah.
Whenever I call you a friend, I begin to
think I understand everything we own.
You and I have always been, ever and ever.
I see myself within your eyes, and I know
it's like to show me what anything I do.
Always bring me home to you forever.
I know.
Where you gonna stand by?
Yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know.
Memories made by day, we can see.
We can see every moment is a reason to get
every hour.
Oh, yeah.
A stream of joy, not some heavenly light.
I've never seen such a beautiful sight.
A stream of joy, not some heavenly light.
I know forever.
You're not feeling it?
No, I was.
Oh.
Guess what?
What?
We're doing party lists on Saturday.
No, I would assume not to do that.
What are you saying?
Do I have new experiences?
Yeah, but I meant like, sexually.
And besides, pottery is not an experience,
it's an activity.
Pottery can be sexual.
Have you seen the movie Ghost?
I feel like we need more friends to do
things with.
I have friends.
Besides Paul.
You.
You're my best friend.
You still wanna go?
Yeah, it's a beach house.
Are you sure?
Yeah, it's on the water.
Oh, water relief.
Could be romantic.
Yeah, could be.
Could be a nice place to make a baby.
Yeah, maybe... maybe not yet.
But in the meantime, we can do other
stuff.
Let's take a look.
Okay, fine.
And your mouth.
Oh, your hand's fine.
Yeah.
Let me help you out a little.
Oh wow, okay.
What, okay.
I don't think I'm in the room.
You're really sexy,
but... Oh, it's okay.
Baby.
We don't move.
Okay.
Now, baby.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
What the fuck?
Oh, shit.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Hey, dude.
Hey, how you doing?
It's okay.
It's a good thing you're wearing your
seatbelt.
Why is his wife?
I don't know.
You help him, I'll fight you.
I found her.
Hey.
Are you okay?
She's already... What, do CPR?
Convergence first.
See.
Hey, be compression there, bro.
I thought it was APC aircraft compression.
No, I changed it.
I'll change this.
What?
I don't know.
Whoever makes those decisions, they've
probably did some kind of a big survey.
How many do I do?
30 compressions.
Then two breaths, okay?
Then back to compressions.
You're doing great.
Just switch.
You're doing great.
You're doing awesome.
Wait up.
Wait up.
Oh, baby, you're doing so good.
I think she's done.
No, she's not dead.
Keep going.
She's not dead.
Keep going.
My shit.
Jack, you're going?
It's up to you.
What does that mean?
You can keep going if you
want, but... she's not coming back.
Why the fuck would I keep going if she's
not coming back?
Oh.
Sir, why is your penis out?
Oh, fuck.
Sorry.
I just...
Oh, fuck.
I flipped it.
Is she okay?
It's all right.
I just got a little bit of it.
A little bit of just some butterfly
getting into it.
Thank goodness the paramedics are in
there.
I have butterfly managers.
Do you think she had a lot of regrets?
A dead woman?
Yeah, I feel like there's a lot she never
got to do.
Everyone has regrets?
She drove on any van.
Reflections and intersection.
Regrets are called a sack.
All we can do is make the best decision we
can in the present.
You're right.
Check with your right.
She's from your podcast.
I just need to say it.
What?
Nothing.
If it isn't sad, you can't be put to bed.
Also, you.
You said that.
Sorry, I love coding you.
I need to get out.
What?
Okay.
No, Carrie.
Not the car.
You.
Oh.
No, Carrie, not you.
There, I said it.
I can't do this.
I'm sorry.
Fuck.
Please don't say that.
No, I get divorced.
You can't say you want to get divorced just
because you had a near-death experience.
That wasn't a near-death experience.
That was a death experience just dead.
Still not a real reason.
I'm unfaithful.
I've been unfaithful.
Are you saying that just because you need
a real reason, or have you actually Okay?
Fuck.
Sorry.
Okay.
Just one time.
Two.
Please don't make me count.
Three.
Okay, forget it.
I don't know.
I forgive you.
So, we're going to just work this out.
I don't know that I want to work this out.
But I love you so much.
Yeah, I know.
I love you so much.
And I love you so much.
I've been treating this okay for a while.
God, how do I put this?
Um... Oh, I'm ready.
Are you planning this?
No, I wasn't.
I mean, yes.
At some point, but no, I wasn't planning
this exact experience.
Yeah.
Um, I'm just... It's not ready.
I didn't think I was
gonna read it to you right
now, but I can just...
I'll just fix it as I go.
Okay, um, carrying my love.
This is the hardest letter I've ever
written.
We've only been
married for... 13 months.
Shit.
Um, 14 months.
And we've been building this life
together.
But it doesn't feel like my life.
I feel like we are just existing.
But... I don't want to exist.
I... Oh shit, where was I?
Uh, I don't want to exist.
I want to grow.
And maybe it's because I've only been with
seven people.
I thought I was your fourth.
You are.
Can you just let me in?
This isn't about sex.
I mean, it's not just about sex.
It's also about desire.
And... Carrie!
Carrie!
I wasn't done!
You okay?
No.
You have any water?
Yeah.
Hey, Derek!
You gotta finish the siding on this pool!
Oh man, you look like shit.
Yeah, I am like shit.
Would you swim here?
Partially.
Hey, Coach Barry.
Hey Ross, good form, man.
How you doing?
Great.
That's how I can get a dog.
I did not say you'd get a dog.
Not yet.
Who's gonna pick up dogs?
Are you?
Sure.
No, you're not.
I got him a fish tank.
You won't stop about this goddamn dog.
Ashley wants a divorce.
She's sorry, honey.
I'm sorry, honey.
Come inside and shower and change.
I don't even have clothes.
I think I left it.
I actually actually stopped by a couple
hours ago.
What?
Is she still here?
No, she dropped her back off.
Did she say anything?
She said that you were breaking up.
I told her to go fuck herself and that we
never want to see her again.
Well, why would you say that?
Because I wanted her to know where we
stand.
With you.
I don't want there to be her with me.
He didn't say that.
I would have, but she left very quickly.
That's Fuji water, by the way.
It's like $20 a bottle.
Apparently, it's the only water that's
open.
It's not your girl, obviously.
This is normal, right?
People go through something like this in
the first year of marriage.
No.
I don't want to get divorced.
No one does.
She does.
Yeah.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Maybe just this one because it's in your,
you know.
Divorce isn't that big a deal.
Because you don't have one of those.
That's true.
You don't have kids.
Or money.
Divorce is just like a regular breakup.
You don't have either.
I know.
You have a money and a kid who can never
get divorced.
That's the only reason we're sad again.
I love you.
I love you.
Damn it.
$40,000 fireworks.
It's going to be okay.
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.
It's over, Mom.
I don't want to downplay
what you're going through,
but I feel like this
might be a good thing.
It's not being married is a great thing.
Have you checked her text?
Oh, I'm okay.
You should check her text.
Careful.
What?
Karen, listen to me.
I'm your best friend.
But you married a life coach.
What did you expect?
I don't know.
Did you stay married?
Remember when my wife
tasted the finger lates and
she refused to drink
anything but Italian wines?
She hates reasons.
I don't hate reasons.
That's not the point.
Well, that's not the point.
The point is, do you
really want to be married
to someone who doesn't
want to be married to you?
You don't.
What's going on?
Check her text.
Can I please just take a shower and pat it
on myself?
Of course.
I just need to know what kind of wine
you're drinking.
Actually, there's really no orange wines
these days.
Jesus Christ, we need to shock the system.
Can I have a towel?
You need to stop feeling sorry for
yourself.
I am sorry for myself.
She cheated on me.
Really?
You didn't mention that.
Dad used to say it washes off in the
shower.
What does?
It doesn't.
I know it feels like a big deal, but if
you make it okay, it's not cheating.
It's okay.
You're okay with it.
I read a book.
It was an article.
Whatever.
We're open.
Are you guys fucking with me right now?
We are not monogamous.
He can do what he wants, and I don't want
to know about it.
Unless I do want to know about it.
In which case, I would ask, and he would
tell me everything.
Yeah, it's not like we're dating other
people.
It's not polyamory.
We're not reinventing the wheel.
I don't have another family with,
like, another fish tank.
This is blowing my mind.
We're just realistic, you know?
We love each other, and that love is
physical, and emotional, and spiritual,
and the emotional and the spiritual are
more important.
So, we're a little bit more flexible with
the physical.
You're very flexible with the physical.
I do pilates.
Okay, hold on a second.
Whose idea was this?
Both of ours.
Okay, you're telling me that if she goes
out, find someone, and they hit it off,
and they decide to go do
some doggy style in the back of a
pickup truck in a parking lot
somewhere, you can handle that?
That is really romantic.
If she can handle that, I can handle that.
Okay, what if it's someone you know?
I don't care who it is.
Really?
Yeah, why would I care?
I'm like a self-realized individual.
You two could have sex, it wouldn't bother
me.
Wow!
What was that gleaming?
And, Tarzan, let me just saddle up over
here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa!
Take it easy.
Look at this.
I'm a horse.
What kind of arm?
I saw you in the shower.
Oh, hey, quick question.
What's a horse's favorite wine?
What?
Shortening.
That's not funny.
Or the nays.
Are you not embarrassed for yourself?
Don't be jealous, baby.
You have great feet.
I think.
He was talking to me.
That one's Paul.
One right here.
He's Benedict.
This one?
That one's Francis.
This one?
The little one?
Yep.
John Paul II.
You name him after the Pope?
That's getting nearly the fourth evening I
guess back in the city.
See how you can still get that lesson?
Sure.
If you make me a coffee.
Hey Russ, what's going on?
I'm tired.
I'm gonna go take a nap.
Hey man, where did he go?
Hey man, what's going on?
A little asshole.
It's not my jet ski.
You need to slow down.
I'm not slowing down.
You should have stolen my fucking jet ski.
I'm not my son.
You're jet ski's right there.
I am the jet ski.
Okay.
Russ, can you come down here?
Are you sure it was him?
I watched him do it.
Okay.
All right, fine.
Well, if he's responsible and something's
broken, we can fix it.
No, we can't fix it.
It's at the bottom of the log,
I don't fucking sound.
Is that a kid?
Calm down, dude.
He's a little asshole.
Hey, don't you call him a little asshole.
Hey, what did I say?
What's going on?
You think it's fun to sing jet skis?
No.
Russ, go back to sleep.
You son needs a beating.
Hey.
My son has been sound asleep.
It's his nap time.
Maybe you need a beating.
You need to put a muscle on the wife of
yours.
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
It's your nap time.
I feel like I'm raising a more energetic,
tiny version of my husband.
I know.
So cool.
You know, when we were 12, Paul stole a
snow plow.
Just drove it around.
Plow and stuff.
But he crashed it into a tree.
I ended up taking the blame.
Okay, open it.
Oh, wow.
Pull it.
Alright, here we go.
And into the water.
That's a sizzly one.
It's amazing.
It's cool, right?
It's incredible.
The thermal shock of pulling it at the
height of firing is unpredictable,
so every piece is unique.
Thank you so much.
I lived in Japan for a bit.
Traditionally, you're meant to use lead in
the glaze, but that is poison,
so I don't do that.
Thanks for giving me this whole lesson.
How's he doing with your clothes?
He's determined.
He doesn't give a fuck where your own
things.
Mm-hmm.
And so what?
He gets in trouble once in a while.
He got every single answer wrong on his
last math test, which is like
statistically impossible.
Even if you filled it all in at random,
it's crazy.
Yeah, well, he's great in gym,
so...
You know, we came out
here to really spend time
with him, but Paul keeps
going back to the city.
Yeah, he's always working, that's his
thing.
No, he's not.
He's fucking someone.
How do you know that?
When Paul goes to the city for work,
he's fucking someone.
And it's okay, because
we said it was okay, but
right now, he's choosing
that over being here.
Well, Paul's an idiot.
That's all right.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
I guess she's my shirt.
Don't do that.
I'll get it.
Okay, that's purple.
Why didn't you tell him to stop?
You just don't want to do it anymore.
Do you know why people break up?
Yeah, cheating.
Guilt.
But if you make the bad thing okay,
then there's no guilt.
Or... maybe you just stop doing the bad
thing.
Yeah.
Or that.
You know, when Paul and I first met,
he was hooking up with my roommate.
Oh, yeah.
Paul, she was the whole thing.
And one day, while she was getting ready,
he asked me out.
And I was like, no, what the fuck is wrong
with you?
And then he just kept showing up, and
he kept asking me, and he's still that guy.
You know?
And I don't expect him to change.
But in moments like this, I can't help but
be sad.
And really fucking angry.
I'm sorry.
Actually, now that I'm at an Afraid
concert, you know, the band.
Consey Life.
We were both dancing and singing.
And we started kissing.
But then more than kissing.
Dating.
Last year, I tried to surprise her by
buying tickets.
When I told her about it, she said she had
plans.
It's okay.
No, it's not.
Because the fray broke up.
And now we broke up.
Yeah.
I guess I'm just sad and angry,
too.
I'm sorry.
I'm gonna make a sandwich.
Um... Okay.
I saw some peanut butter.
Do you want a sandwich?
Cause... No, we're not gonna
modify the existing leases.
Because I feel like I shouldn't have to
say this this many times, but the entire
purpose of buying these buildings is to
deliver them vacant.
That's why we don't want them three months
free.
What were you doing last night?
Why would I purchase a building in the
Bronx if I can't renovate it?
What would even be the purpose?
What the fuck happened here?
Julie!
I was showing out across.
Hey, let me call you back.
This is like a... I don't even want
to tell you how much this rug costs.
I'm sorry, we spent $20,000.
It's a $20,000 rug.
Were you gonna say anything, or...
I'm just gonna half clean it and expect me
not to notice a stain on my $25,000 rug.
Did it just get more expensive?
They tend to, yeah.
Okay.
Well, I'm sorry.
That's okay, just do it.
Okay.
By the way, Julie and I had sex last
night.
Together.
While you're in town.
Look, I know you guys are in this open,
ethically...
So you're mad?
No, that was... Not mad,
it was sort of a reflex.
Okay.
Because if you're mad, we should just talk
about it.
That was more of a delayed reaction.
Yeah, I'm mad.
Can you talk about it?
Motherfucker!
Just chill!
Are you gonna chill?
No, I'm gonna fucking kill you!
That's not chill!
Calm down!
Calm down!
It's a full mouth, so it's illegal!
It's illegal!
This isn't wrestling!
I'm not gonna get it!
Okay, just calm down, chill.
Calm?
Okay, chill.
I'm gonna let you go.
I'm telling you, I see four.
We just need to talk.
Are you?
Okay, okay, okay.
Talk about that, motherfucker.
I don't want to fight you.
I've been teaching you my experience at
Keto.
Not in my lenses.
It's about de-escalation.
Oh fuck!
Oh fuck!
What are you not doing?
No fighting!
No fighting!
No fighting!
Fuck!
What are you doing?
Okay, let's just... Fuck arm!
You gotta stop throwing the hand makers.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
How do you go?
What'd you guys do?
Sex?
Or other stuff?
Sex.
And then some other stuff.
Get in here.
Shit.
I'm sorry.
I said I'm sorry.
Come on, fuck!
You said it was fine.
Surprise!
Fuck!
Stop me!
That one sucks!
Leave that one!
Sorry.
He did it.
He saved you.
You're alive, guys.
He was close.
He was coming.
That was so fun, wasn't it?
Yeah.
We don't have to steal jet skis.
If you need an adventure, you can just get
in the canal.
You got this.
What are you guys doing?
You can't think so good than behind.
I'm sorry.
What are you sorry for?
For overreacting.
It's something I didn't have a right to
overreact to.
Okay.
Good.
Carrie, what are you sorry for?
For having sex with you.
For having your best friend.
And I'm sorry for not realizing the effect
that this might have.
It's really not that big a deal if you
think about it.
You wash yourself in the shower.
Oh.
We don't have to do this anymore.
No, it's not a big one, guys.
I don't need to be with other people.
No, it's okay.
I can handle it.
Seriously, I'm fine.
Don't worry about it.
We can continue.
It was a genuine overreaction on my part.
It was sort of like an out of body
experience.
I wasn't really aware of what I was doing
until after the fact.
It was kind of like a werewolf situation.
I'm good.
Okay.
Can you just not do it with him again?
I will.
Promise?
Promise.
You should promise, too.
I promise, too.
Okay, well, I guess we're going out for
dinner.
Yeah, I can't.
I have to go back to the city,
unfortunately.
Are you fucking kidding me?
No, I'm not fucking kidding you.
Okay, I'm in the middle of a fucking
negotiation on a 34-unit building in
Chinatown, and they are like, have you
ever negotiated with the Chinese?
It's a whole different thing.
You're always in your backyard.
You told Russ we were going to go to Great
Thrills tomorrow.
We can go to Bear Fields next week.
You can go to Great Thrills next week.
We're going to go tomorrow.
That was a good try.
Can I go another?
So expensive.
I need a fish.
Can I just buy some fish from you?
This isn't a pet shop.
You got it.
Hey.
Excuse me.
How's it going?
We're just burning the cash.
Oh, it's the old Russ.
I have a little about you.
Nice to meet you.
This is Connor.
Who's that?
Connor.
We just met.
All right, let me have a go at this.
Do you mind if I jump in?
Yeah.
Here's a hundred.
Play for a bit.
Wow.
Oh, shit.
That was awesome.
Thanks.
Why are you so good at that?
I'm just a very soft pouch.
I just took the time.
You have to behave yourself.
Is that your husband?
He's staring at us.
No, he's my friend.
This is your friend?
I'm Kerry.
Kerry, why don't you go ahead and carry
this.
How many do you want, man?
All of them.
All of them?
Hey.
No, I'm not done.
I'm coming.
This one's for you.
Sorry.
Help.
Can you take this?
No, man.
I've got you.
No?
I'm not done.
We should probably hold on to this.
Ross, I've got you fishing.
It's out of here.
I'm at your beach.
You're all the big countries in Africa.
I've been a lot working dogs for that
boarders.
Are you a phenomenon?
No, I just run my socials.
Uh, guys, what do you do next?
I love good cars.
Do you love good cars?
Do you love good cars?
Hey.
She's not doing bumper cars.
She has a husband, and he's a great guy.
And he happens to be one of our best
friends.
She's not doing bumper cars, because I
know what bumper cars lead to.
What does bumper cars lead to?
Yeah, she wants to do bumper cars because
they're bumper cars.
Oh, I know who you are.
Slick, fucking, handsome, theme park guy,
huh?
Hidden on moms?
I bet that's not even your kid.
It's a fucking robot, man.
What's my problem?
You want to do some bumper cars?
It's just a fucking bumper car.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey.
Mary, what the fuck?
What is wrong with you?
What are you doing?
Nothing.
What is wrong with you?
Why are you being like that?
Because you're married to my best friend.
I didn't stop you.
Well, that's a mistake.
Was it?
This whole overprotective thing you're
doing, is that for Paul, or is it for you?
Paul.
Right.
Well, Paul doesn't care.
You heard him.
Fine.
I care.
Okay?
I know you guys are all emotionally
sophisticated and whatever, but when you
sleep with someone, your body makes a
commitment whether you do or not.
What is that?
Is that?
Vanilla Sky.
Yes, but it doesn't make it any less true.
It's just the other night, I keep thinking
about it.
Think about something else.
I was like, really good, huh?
You, that great endurance.
Hey, what's your favorite band?
Got on my price at Macklemore.
Or me.
You play?
Yeah.
Okay.
You don't get me, sir?
Yeah.
Do you want some tea?
Yeah, I'll take an arm and palm if you got
one.
I don't think I have that.
But I have kind of a right voice.
I'm good.
Okay.
How long have you been a bartender for?
Like eight months.
I feel like we've established you're good
on other stuff, too.
Like what?
Sex.
You're really good at sex.
Thank you.
No, I've been here for you for years,
too.
Why don't you scratch me, though?
Dang!
Daniel!
What are you doing here?
Meaning it's English.
What the fuck are you doing here?
Hey, birds.
Baby girl, come back to bed.
I think the blood is
rushing from my head down
between my legs again,
and I'm ready for some more.
And I kind of like the way you scratched
my back, and I'm going to scratch you back.
Who are you?
Jackson, this is my husband, Carrie.
Is this wavy?
This is wavy.
Want a sandwich?
Yeah, sure.
Cool.
Like meat?
Yeah, I like meats.
What are you doing?
Making another sandwich.
Carrie, we can't both live here.
You know that, right?
Why not?
We talked about this.
No, we didn't.
That's right, because you didn't let me
finish my letter.
No, I don't want to hear your fucking
letter.
Oh, Jesus.
Sorry.
I took the gym here, and I'm tired,
so I'll probably just go to bed.
Here?
Yeah, the couch is fine.
No, the couch is not fine.
This place has no walls, and I have to
meet with the client in the morning.
Well, on the meat front.
This sandwich was hard.
Hey, Jackson, do you want some iced tea?
I made some iced tea,
and there's lemons in
there, so I think that's
an honorable poem.
Legend.
Carrie, I'm sure this is very painful for
you, but we need to figure this out.
Figure what out?
Divorce.
If you could just let me finish my letter.
Listen, Ashley, I get it.
You want to sleep with other people,
we don't need a divorce for that.
What do you mean?
It's a lot of work.
That doesn't have to be.
I mean, we don't have kids, we don't have
money.
Exactly, we don't have a reason to get
divorced.
Unless you're definitively wanting out of
your life.
No, I don't definitively want you out of
my life.
Okay.
What if we kept it open?
Like, an open relationship?
Sure.
Okay, um... What
does that entail?
What are the rules?
What do you want the rules from me?
I don't want rules.
Right?
No rules.
Okay, what if I need someone?
I'm serious.
Let me get divorced.
I feel like this is defense
mechanism and you're
actually in a lot of
pain and that's okay.
No, I'm not.
I'm waiting.
Just stop with someone, too.
Oh, you didn't?
It's good, so it's all good.
You don't know how to talk about it,
or even.
Okay.
You guys are so inspiring.
I hope I'm this mature when I'm your age.
Thanks, Charlie.
We're not that old.
Go to bed.
I'm going to be seeing people and they're
going to be around.
Cool.
So will I.
I'm not jealous.
Okay.
Well, if it's good with you, it's good
with me.
It's more than good with me.
Um, maybe we can get rid
of the air hockey table and
just put a blow of mattress
in the carrot corner?
Oh, no.
Couchskit.
Or the wag-ger.
Okay.
I'll find something.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Be well.
Yeah, you too.
Whoa.
How's that feel?
Holy shit.
Yeah, you guys are so tight.
I just need to pull this.
I'm not helping you, Charlie.
Are you ready?
Yeah.
Okay.
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Yes.
Okay.
Those things are tight.
You guys are real committed.
My women knows no bounds, man.
Jason, what are you still doing here?
Have you talked about this?
Carrie's helping me with that or
something.
You guys used to date.
Briefly.
Let's just go.
Let's go.
Jackson, you gotta decide what you want to
do.
Well, this chiropractor thing seems pretty
tight.
No, that's a doctor.
You're all you're at school for.
What are you good at?
Dogs.
Football.
People.
Bench pressed.
Right.
I get that whole lemon in my mouth.
Oh, stop.
Spit it out.
Spit it out.
You can go handle the music.
I'll handle it out of the way.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I don't know.
I'm going to try a regular bag.
Oh, my God.
La Morica.
That was the funny one.
But I'll let you know that Bonnie
Overstamps was just a 9.
I will not.
Really?
Can you teach me that?
Of course.
Come.
This has to stop.
I know what you're doing.
What am I doing?
Why are you staying here?
Because he's my friend.
But why is he still here?
He's having a hard time.
Because he broke up with you?
Yeah.
Probably has what we need to do,
isn't it?
No, we did it for two weeks.
Oh.
Two weeks.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Very nice.
Good vibration.
How many are you doing, boys?
Eight times.
That's really good.
Stay focused.
If you're only on my three, you can still
come back.
No, where are you going?
To a concert.
Oh, shit.
Have I closed it?
I don't know.
What concert are you going to?
Chris Dapleton.
That would be for my time.
Let's go, nothing.
You know what?
Lorenzo's oil, but I don't know if they
drink this much.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, give me back.
What the fuck are you doing here?
I'm here to talk to your husband,
Bruce.
Mary Paul's here.
Are you okay?
No, I'm not, okay?
She kicked me out.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I need a place to stay.
No.
No, no.
I was talking to him.
It's my apartment, too.
No.
Go home, talk to your wife.
Fix it.
I can't fix it, okay?
I can't.
I've been staying at a hotel.
She's not answering my calls.
And now my credit card's not working.
Well, I can loan you some money.
No, no, no, no, no.
No more loans, okay?
I need you to help me fix this.
Ever since you guys had sex, it's just
been like...
That's who you slept with?
Right behind our backs.
When?
After you asked for our divorce.
I didn't expect that.
Me neither.
Well, I told you I was sorry.
What more do you want from me?
I don't know.
That's the thing.
I don't know what to do.
I just feel like everything is very,
very imbalanced.
And we need to find a way to restore the
balance.
And you had sex with my wife, so maybe I
don't know.
No fucking way.
What is wrong with you?
Okay, you can have sex with my wife,
but I can't have sex with yours.
On what fucking planet?
Okay, I don't want to have sex with you
either, Ashley.
Okay, I just want my wife back.
God, why does everything have to be so
complicated?
I'm not that bad-looking.
This has nothing to do with looks.
I'm telling you, this kind of shit happens
all the time of year.
Come on, son.
Let's go.
Who are they?
Her lovers.
Ex-lovers.
Go home.
Hey, movie night, every Thursday,
next week, Dr. Zabago.
I'm there.
Okay, tell me, what did I miss?
So they're trying to make an oil to save
their son, Lorenzo.
I need to get my face down.
He's got some sort of disease,
I think, like an ALS.
Yeah, an ALDS.
Nah, that's a baseball thing.
You gotta win that ticket to the World
Series.
And no way in hell does this go into the
World Series.
Russ, what day is your assignment due for
your biodiversity class?
Russ!
Come on, honey, you know the rules.
No headphones in the car.
You want to listen, just plug it in.
I was asking you what day your assignment
is due.
What is this?
A boy's biggest.
I like it.
Nice.
I'm gonna turn it down a little.
A little bit.
Listen, honey.
If you're upset, it's okay to be upset.
I'm upset too.
Sometimes in life, you have to deal with
difficult emotions and you have to...
Hey, how you been?
Hi.
I'm better.
Same.
Hold on!
Yeah, I talked to Paul.
Do I?
Nah.
He's with me and we don't have water room
at our place.
I had to move the honking table.
Hey!
Stop honking!
Did he tell you what happened?
Yeah, that you kicked him out.
Fuck you!
Stop honking, Barry!
I have to sign.
I'll tell you when to go.
They make me do this on Tuesday.
I don't want to be here either.
Get in.
I got it.
Yeah, you're right.
Okay.
Alright, you're on your own.
Watch out for kids.
Do you want to know what really happened?
Yeah.
Well, he was totally over
leveraged in real estate and it all
completely blew up and he
shut the company down last week.
Holy shit.
What, he didn't mention any of that to
you?
No.
How bad is it?
It's a fucking mess.
I don't know all the details, but we could
lose everything.
They froze our accounts.
Whoa.
How's Ross doing?
I don't know.
Not great.
I don't know how to explain to him what's
going on because I don't understand myself.
You should talk to Paul.
Did he ask you to talk to me?
Is that why you're talking to me?
No.
Okay.
Yeah.
He did ask me to talk to you, but that's
not why I'm talking to you.
I really just like talking to you.
You tell Paul that I'm not
talking to him because I
don't believe a word that
comes out of his fucking mouth.
Okay, I'll let him know.
I think about you all the time.
I know you guys are in
an open relationship and
it's not a big deal to
you, but it was to me.
It was for me, too.
Really?
I never did it.
Did what?
I never slept with anyone else.
Are you doing with me?
Yes, I did.
You were there.
Yeah, I was.
Enough.
Okay, cool.
I got to go.
That's right.
Okay.
Okay.
Oh, wow.
That is so good.
Perfect.
Excuse me a minute.
Is he okay?
He's fine.
He's just got the sad sad because somebody
never officially venge to him.
I never officially dated him.
You know what's official?
Marriage.
Marriage is official.
Hey, Paul, how long are you safe?
As long as it takes.
As long as what takes?
I guess.
Sorry, Mike.
We're going to go over time.
It was great.
I mean, we lost, but the girls are great.
Gary, I saved you a bowl.
I would've made more, but I didn't know I
was cooking for this many.
Well, you weren't supposed to.
It's okay.
I have plans.
I'll take a shower.
Wow.
Busy guy.
I get it, man.
I don't think you do.
I can fix anything.
Anything.
That posture, migraines, scoliosis,
ruptured disc.
I can't fix this.
It just feels like the universe is out of
alignment, and I can't adjust it.
Really good, right?
Are you?
Yeah.
You should go talk to her about it,
okay?
Hey, you ever had people with no
experience whatsoever?
Yeah.
You can pay them less.
Wait, how much did you pay them?
$2.75 an hour.
That's not even a bit of a wait.
Yeah, that's what tips are for.
Food prices you can't control,
but you can always pay the staff less.
And when they burn out, there's always
more people looking for work.
I'm looking for work.
Yeah, it's really competitive right now.
Cute butt.
Jesus Christ, Ashley, can I have some
privacy?
I'm giving you a makeover, Mark.
Yeah, but not since everything happened.
Oh, well, there he is.
What are you doing?
Oh, what am I doing?
You know what?
I can't have all these people in our
apartment.
They're your lovers.
Ex-lovers.
Wait, you broke up with Aunt Samantha?
No, but when I do, I'd appreciate if you
wouldn't invite her over.
Oh, got it.
Well, Tuesday's fee for night,
and she's already in a bracket,
so it's gonna be a little tricky.
You're the one who told me I needed to
make friends.
Do you like it?
Yeah, you look great.
Is it too much?
No, it's never too much.
You should try one with a little back.
Oh, this one has a little back.
Oh.
Yeah, it's perfect.
We're supposed to go see a mentalist,
right?
But I mean, I can totally cancel out.
We could stay in, watch a movie,
just us two.
I have plans.
Oh.
Oh, plans.
Oh.
God damn it.
Paul, go home.
Hey, everyone, everyone needs to leave.
I will happily leave as soon as my wife
starts talking to me again.
Speaking of which, have you talked to her?
Not yet.
Oh, wow.
That's a shame.
I thought for sure you
might have run into
her while she was
dropping Ross off to school.
I didn't.
Are you sure you didn't do something to
make her so upset?
No, nothing I can think of.
Nothing at all?
No, nothing.
Why?
Do you know something?
No.
What the fuck is going on?
Nothing.
Who do you have plans with?
A woman.
I didn't know you were taking someone.
Yeah, me neither.
It's very new.
I'd love to meet her.
Yeah, me too.
So would I.
Go and do an almighty fee.
I told you to leave.
You've been sick a lot, huh?
You gotta go.
Guys, you gotta go.
Everybody, out.
Get out of the fucking house.
I think you should go.
Go home.
No, no, no.
She doesn't need me.
Hello?
Yes.
Okay, I'm coming now.
Yes, I'm on my way now.
Hey!
No, no, no.
What are you doing?
Are you taking my car?
You can't!
Sir!
You cannot take my car!
I need my car right now!
I need my car!
Don't admit anything, okay?
Deny, deny, deny.
Deny.
I'm sorry, I'm wrong.
Hey, have you tracked your messages?
This doesn't mean I'm young.
Would you join me, please?
Don't say anything.
We will handle this.
Okay.
What's going on with you?
He did it to me first.
Did what?
Brando, Jana pants me in front of Norman
Wittenberg.
Then they got caught on my ankle so
everyone saw everything.
Brando, Jana's a little asshole.
That's why I got him back.
Hammurabi's coat.
Eye for an eye.
What?
It's the oldest legal system in the world.
Mesopotamia.
I didn't mean to break his arm at home.
Why did you get me in trouble?
You're a smart kid.
Doesn't matter.
The school system's broken.
Vodka filler model effort factors to
create more obedient workers.
When did you hear that?
A TED Talk.
Did you want to go to college?
No.
It's too expensive.
My parents are always fighting about
money.
I think they're getting a divorce.
Did they say that?
No.
But I heard my mom talking to a lawyer.
And I think she has a new boyfriend.
Why do you think she has a new boyfriend?
I saw a pair of new bounce sneakers in her
room.
My dad would never wear new bounce.
It's too cool.
Don't worry, we're going to get you out of
this.
Okay?
Just... tell the truth.
It always comes out eventually.
Mr. Grant.
Russell.
Please.
Mr. Grant, as I was explaining to Mr. and
Mrs. Biapiano, Brendan Luciano,
claims that Russell assaulted him in your
B-Class.
That's a stretch.
I'm not an attorney, but that sounds like
hearsay.
I just pantsed him.
He fell on his own.
Russ.
What did I say?
I remember my witnesses
have also come forward,
and it's clear it
was a deliberate act.
An act of retribution.
Retribution?
You're turning this place into a snitch
breeding ground, Harry.
Doctor Oct.
Doctor?
What are you a doctor of?
Maybe this is
retribution against me for
when I started that
bonfire in the cafeteria.
I fucking knew it was you.
Allegedly.
When I allegedly started the bonfire.
Paul, can we please talk about Russ?
It feels as though you are making
assumptions about his intent.
What was it, Russell?
What was your intent?
I just want to pull his
pants down to everyone
and see that he
had a little penis, too.
Russ, he did it to me first.
Yeah, but you didn't mean to break the
kid's arm, right?
Tell him that.
Regardless, the outcome is the outcome.
It doesn't matter what his intent is.
Yes, it does.
Doctor Oct, you're right.
Russ will be responsible for what he did.
No, he's not right.
Sometimes you intend
to do a good thing, and
then bad things happen
there outside your door.
Yeah, and then you need to be held
accountable for them.
I agree.
Yeah, me too.
I agree.
This is Pia Pia.
I mean, this is Pia Pia.
We have a zero tolerance policy for
violence here at the Derby School.
So, Russell will be expelled.
What the fuck, Harry?
She's fucking with me.
This is being blown completely out of
proportion.
I don't think it is.
We have a zero tolerance policy against
violence.
I told him to do it.
Excuse me?
Yeah, Randy LuGiano pants for Russ in
front of Lauren Wittenberg.
So I told Russ to pants him back.
It's Homer of his coat.
Mesopotamian.
Oh.
Okay.
You're fired.
Shit.
I'm sorry.
Why would you tell him to do that?
He didn't.
We pay $35,000 for him
to go to this indoctrination
center and they kick him
out for standing up to a bully.
Oh, shut the fuck up.
I'm just saying, we should be proud of
him.
Hey, I'm proud of you.
Harry, can you please take us to the car?
Are you guys gonna talk?
Yeah, maybe I'm gonna talk to you then.
Come on, Russ, let's go.
It worked.
They're talking.
I can fix it.
You can't fix it.
Okay, I needed to give you insulated in
order to... You put lungs in our son's name.
Do you know how fucking disgusting that
is?
Out of context, yes.
What context?
What fucking context makes that a thing?
There was no way I
could have predicted that
rapes were going to
jump the way that they did.
But I am working it out with the banks,
one by one, as I fall for bankruptcy.
Bankruptcy, yes.
Yes, people come bankrupt all the time.
Walt Disney, Abe Lincoln, Niko.
Stop talking.
It's a financial tool for reset.
It wipes the slate clean.
Actually, it can be a really positive
thing if you think it's correct.
The beach house.
Yeah, the beach house is gone,
but our house is in your name.
They repossessed my car.
Yeah, well, the car was in the company
name.
Have you listened to any of my messages?
I told you to always park in front of it.
Stop talking!
Listen, Jules, we have to
unwind things strategically
right now, or we really
could lose everything.
Are you being indicted?
No.
Fucking liar, I spoke to the attorney.
Okay, well, technically,
nothing I did was illegal, but now
they look like assholes, so
they're coming after me on taxes.
When were you going to tell me this?
When you answered my phone calls.
When were you going to tell me?
Tell you what?
Are you sleeping with my best friend?
Yes, I am.
Are you doing it to hurt me?
No.
Why does it hurt?
Good.
Why then?
I don't know, Paul,
because he's kind and
trustworthy, and he has
a bigger dick than you.
He's not trustworthy.
He betrayed me right after you both
promised not to.
You want to start tallying broken promises
right now?
No, not particularly.
Yeah.
You jeopardized our son's financial
future.
That is unfucking forgivable.
Five years.
Excuse me?
His credit score resets after five years.
Fuck off!
Shut the fuck up!
Zero tolerance!
Fuck.
Where's your car?
It's gone.
Just drive.
Hey!
See ya'll down!
You got a picture!
What happened to your face?
It's prison.
But I thought it was one of those men's
security prisons, like the nice ones.
It is, but it's still prison.
Okay, fine.
We play street hockey.
Sometimes it gets competitive.
I brought a letter from Russ.
How's he doing?
He's great.
I think he fits better in public school.
Julie and I told him you're
still building that hotel in
Borneo, so when you're
riding back, it's rainy season.
What's happening with our house?
I'm still trying to foreclose.
The process servers are getting out of
control.
Never say your name, and never take the
back.
Julie asked if you had signed the papers.
The divorce ones?
I have not, no.
I've been a little busy.
With street hockey.
How's my wife?
Julie's great.
When I heard I had a visitor, I thought it
might be her, so I booked this room.
It's a conjugal room, by the way.
You can tell her to have one.
I'm not going to tell her then.
She'll also tell her that I know I fucked
up.
And even before I fucked up, I was fucking
up.
It wasn't her for Russ, but I should have
been.
No, I'm not there for him at all.
I'm here.
I know, I fucking hate you.
But also, thanks for being there.
And for coming to visit, you're the only
one who has.
I really didn't want her to see me fail.
She didn't ask for help.
Sometimes it's really hard to ask for
help.
Okay.
I'm up for early parole, and I need a
residence.
A place to live.
No!
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Just gotta stick with it.
Did you learn?
No, it's good.
Keep going.
Oh, I have a knot right there.
It's still there.
It is not small.
Thank you.
Is there anywhere else you're holding
tension?
I have to get Russ to school.
You're a great mom.
I think you need a great mom again.
Carrie, I'm not having another baby.
I'm just saying.
In case maybe you change your mind.
I'm not.
I'm not gonna change my mind.
Yeah, same page.
I'm gonna get some eggs.
Hey, Russ.
Hey.
You want some eggs?
Nothing.
What do you need a barber for?
Boost the beat and I'll get the posture
out.
Found it.
Russ is gonna be here soon, so I'll get
ready.
Yeah, one minute.
Me too, protein cheek.
Thanks, bud.
There's no Julie here.
Fuck off.
What was that?
Fucking process server.
What's in this?
Russ!
Bus!
Russ, first.
Here, let me do some scrambles.
Let's just thanks.
I'm okay.
Thank you.
Hey, Russ.
Why'd you get a golden doodle?
Uncle K's allergic.
Yeah, but... You
know what happens?
You take a great dog
like a golden retriever
and mix it with a
shit dog like a poodle.
You get a shit dog.
You don't mean to be mean to Uncle K,
I will.
No, you don't have to be mean to him.
I appreciate it.
Russ!
You gonna finish that?
God damn it.
He missed the bus.
Russ!
Get your shoes on!
Ah, motherfucker!
Russ!
He's gonna pick up this dog shit!
Fuck!
Ah, it's my toast.
I don't have time to drive him.
It's okay, I don't drive him.
I have to drop these packages off anyway.
Okay.
I can drive him.
No, Carrie's got it.
Morning.
Morning.
Hi, Russ.
Hi, Russ.
What are you doing?
Flushing the teeth.
You guys seem really busy.
Yeah, I'm getting a lot of traction.
I make everything and then Carrie handles
the fulfillment.
He is a good good guy.
You can do way worse.
I am.
You guys seem really happy.
We are.
Oh fuck, I haven't had this in so long.
Mmm.
Mmm, fuck that's good.
What's on the papers?
I thought you were waiting and you were
lying.
No, that was just me stalling.
It should be pretty straightforward,
we don't have money anymore.
No, we don't.
We are getting kicked out of here at some
point.
I still love you.
I don't think that will ever change,
but I don't know.
Seeing you guys up
close, even from the
backyard, I realize I
just wanted to be happy.
No one else to be happy.
Thank you.
I've been reading about child-centered
divorce.
You've been reading?
Yeah, I've had time.
I can find it's an audiobook, but it's
just that both parents work together to
create a supportive and stable environment
for the child.
Through things like
consistency and routine, open
communication and
minimizing conflict, you know?
It's cool.
I'm impressed.
It can be impressive.
You okay?
Just...
I don't know, it just made me emotional.
I don't know why.
We're not married anymore.
Listen, if you want me to rip
those papers off... No, no, no.
These are happy tears.
Oh.
I'm so happy.
Oh yeah, okay.
They look like regular tears.
Hey, I'm thinking about getting a clown
for Russ's birthday.
He's a bit old for a clown, though.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I don't think of something else.
Also, can I bring my girlfriend?
I didn't know you had a girlfriend.
Yeah, I do have a girlfriend.
She's great.
You like her.
Sure.
Can't wait to meet her.
I'm sorry, I can't do this.
Sorry.
Okay, is this something specific?
Because I've been working out.
No, it's not the way you look.
It's just, it's not gonna make him
jealous.
Nothing makes him jealous.
God damn it, Ashley.
This was your idea.
I know.
I thought you wanted to get carried back.
I already told Julie I had a girlfriend.
I know, but maybe you could just talk to
her and just be honest.
I don't know.
Maybe she'll give you another chance.
Why don't you give me another chance?
I don't deserve another chance.
And then that's your answer.
That can't be my answer.
Maybe it is the answer.
Just think about it for one second.
Just stay with me.
I've been dating this mentalist,
and he's always reading
my mind, which is hard
because I'm not letting him.
But then, my life coach turned me on to
this concept of brutal honesty,
and it's been really freeing once I
embraced it.
Just try it.
Why do you need a life coach?
You're a life coach.
Coaches need coaches, Paul.
How do you think I lost all that weight
before the wedding?
My job is to help people, to motivate
people into making better decisions.
Sounds a lot like being a parent.
Why don't we just lie to them and say that
we have sex?
You just gave this whole shpeel about
being honest.
Be honest.
Is it how I look?
No, it's also because of the way you are.
Fuck this.
I'll come up with something else.
You can be honest.
I'm going to do whatever it takes to get
my life back.
Okay.
You know, I really thought
we could unite and come
in pursuit of something
much bigger than ourselves.
Okay.
Fine.
Let's have sex.
No, I don't want to now.
Okay.
Fine.
Okay, fine.
Yeah, let's have sex.
You're right.
No, you're right.
We need to come up with something else.
God damn it.
Something big, like a romantic gesture or
something.
Okay, I'm going to count
to five before I put my
clothes on in case you
change your mind again.
One, two, three...
Three, four, five.
Four.
I want you to think of a number,
Russ.
Any number.
Say your number.
Say it.
Eleven.
Eleven.
Well, that's easy.
That's his birthday.
Alright.
Okey-dokey.
So, let's do another.
Let's go with you, my little skeptic.
Let's have you pick a name.
Think of someone that you love.
Very much.
Send it to me.
Starts with an S.
Starts with an S?
No.
No?
I keep getting Sonya.
No, it was Mom.
And what's your mom's name?
Is your mom's name Sonya?
Okay.
Let's clap.
Thank you.
Let's clap.
Yeah.
Doesn't even know his own mom's name.
Can you make me disappear?
No, I'm a mentalist, not a magician.
So, my magic is more in the mind.
I can read people's minds.
What am I thinking of?
Birthday cake?
I was thinking about birthday cake,
too.
I know you were.
Mom, do we have cake?
Yeah!
Yeah, let's just take a break.
Cake.
In the middle of my show.
You did great.
That was good.
It wasn't... I hate performing for
children.
Well, maybe it's different when they're
yours.
You're probably right.
You guys think you've never had them kids?
No, he has a vasectomy.
Yeah, I was 23 and had a latex allergy.
So... I'm sorry, man.
Honey, thank you.
No, thank you for doing this.
Yeah, no, my pleasure.
I usually don't do venues this small,
but...
No, he usually does big venues,
like big corporate.
Hundreds of people.
Yeah, thousands.
But, anything for this lady.
Harry, can you come here?
Can I impress you?
Also, you're the big finale.
Can we do the cake?
Can we do the cake after we eat?
When is the food coming, please?
I don't know.
It turned out I should be here any minute.
Okay, can you please find the candles for
this?
I think they're upstairs in a CVS bag in
the bedroom.
And the dog?
Please, can you put the dog in the
carousel, sir?
Oh, my God.
Hey, Jackson.
Hey, yo, I checked all your fire alarms.
The batteries are low on, like,
two, man.
We got to, like, regularly replace those,
you know?
Okay, well... All right.
What is this?
He always wanted a dog.
He has a dog.
A real dog.
Oh, this is Carrie.
Carrie, this is my ex.
Nice to meet you.
Julie, pleasure.
Oh, my God, we're wearing the same dress.
How funny.
Oh, my God.
I'll just spot it for me.
Did he...
What a coincidence.
Hot, hot, hot, where do you want this?
Just this way, in the kitchen.
Make yourself at home.
Carrie.
Carrie.
Carrie.
Can I talk to you?
Carrie.
Ashley, I know what you're thinking.
Don't.
Hey, are you playing the phrase?
Some things we don't
talk about Rather do
without And just hold a
smile Why do you do it?
Why are they doing it?
Just hold on to the back, okay?
Don't let me go I have two more.
Don't let me go Just stop for a second,
just stop for a second Don't let me go
Ashley, I'm gonna stop for a second What
are you doing?
I was singing and I don't want to send the
divorce papers.
You're in the divorce papers.
I gave you everything you asked.
Why did you even change anything?
I know because you're so nice and you're
so sweet and I took you for granted and
I'm sorry and I went on this
really crazy experience and
fucked a lot of people to
realize that What are you doing?
I'm just trying to be honest Please don't.
Don't be honest.
You have all the time in the
world to be honest when you're
living in that apartment with
your fucking stupid lovers.
Is that you like them?
No, I don't like them.
I do like them, they're cool people but
the point is I don't want to like them.
I was friends with them just to piss you
off.
You think I wasn't jealous?
I was jealous the whole time.
That's really romantic.
No, it's not romantic.
It's fucking terrible.
Do you realize how painful it was to sleep
on that couch?
I know Fan told you I had no support but
you didn't listen.
No.
You didn't listen!
Fuck!
Ashley, fuck!
I'm sorry, I was unhappy and I didn't know
how to fix it.
Oh, how'd you figure it out?
I didn't.
Yeah, there was nothing to fix.
Happiness is just emotion.
It's transient.
We move in and out of it.
I'm not transient.
I live here, okay?
And I'm happy.
I might be for you.
Can we be friends?
Yes, we can be friends.
Can we be best friends?
Can friends hug?
Yeah, of course.
Don't let me go.
Don't let me go.
Don't let me go.
Friends can't do that.
Oh, okay.
So what can friends do?
Can I talk to you for a second?
Sure.
We are pregnant.
What is wrong with you?
What, the puppy?
Yes, the puppy.
But also, who is this woman?
Kerry.
And why did you invite Ashley?
Because she's dating the mentalist I have.
Hell, this is exhausting.
I know what you're doing.
What is it going to take for it to stop?
Nothing.
I'm never going to stop.
I learned to be honest with
myself and I am impulsive
and somewhat sensitive
and a bit of an asshole.
But I'm an asshole who loves you and I
don't know how to love anyone else.
I don't believe you.
I know.
Because I hid things and I lied.
But I'm never going to do that again.
I'm done lying to you.
What does that even mean?
I will never lie to you about anything
ever again.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Okay.
Did you go upstairs into my closet and see
this dress that I had just bought and then
go and buy the exact same one for that
woman?
Yes, I did do that.
And what did you want to make me feel?
Jealous, hopefully.
But also, I figured if I
can't be with you, I can
at least be with someone
who reminds me of you.
Oh my God.
Obviously not as beautiful or smart or fun
to talk to.
Paul, you're so fucking full of shit.
You had me.
You had me and you wanted to fuck other
people.
No, I didn't.
But you did.
No, I didn't.
Why are you lying to me?
You just said that you weren't going to
lie to me.
I'm not.
I'm not.
Okay, I'm just going to clarify the question
just so that there's no confusion here.
When we were married, did you ever sleep
with anyone else?
No.
What the fuck, Paul?
Then why are we in an open relationship?
Because.
Because.
Look at you.
Look at me.
I have no fucking business
being with a woman as incredible
as you, but somehow I
convinced you to be with me.
I chose to be with you.
Yeah, well, maybe I was scared that one day
you'd wake up and choose not to be with me.
You know, realize you can
do better and you can find
someone way more fucking
interesting and handsome, clearly.
I figured if I made it okay, then you have
one less reason to leave me.
You're a fucking crazy person.
Julie, I need to tell you something.
Who are you?
Carrie.
Who are you?
Carrie.
Oh, Carrie?
Can we do the cake?
Yeah.
I just need to find your candles.
Yeah, why don't you go?
They let you out of the Carrie closet.
Come on.
Whose dog is that?
I'm pretty sure that's your dog,
dude.
By the way, the entire extinguisher
expired.
And so if I grab this big
dog from the car... Okay.
You should join sometime.
It's volunteer, but they let you hang out
at the fire station.
I'll think about it.
Hey, Feliz.
Sorry, I'm late.
Grab the table and kiss anyone's hands.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Can you find them?
What?
Candles.
Can you find them?
And also not sorry at all.
Hey, Feliz.
How does that feel?
How does it feel?
How does it feel?
Oh, yeah.
Everyone's on this way.
Get the hot gas.
Oh, yeah.
No one's doing the ritual in here.
What's going on?
What's up, Carrie?
Hi, Carrie.
Hey, how could you?
Promise not to read by my own.
No, yeah.
You promised not to cheat on me upstairs
with Carrie.
Well, I'm here performing for ungrateful
children.
Sorry, what?
I did not promise.
Did you remind me to promise?
Did that happen?
Yes, that happened.
I tried to tell you.
Well, I told Carrie instead.
Who is that, by the way?
Hey, I'm sorry.
I'm still here.
I was Paul's girlfriend.
I didn't say girlfriend exactly,
but we have an arrangement.
We've had unseeking arrangements.
It's just how I'm thinking now.
And why did she look like you?
I was trying to make Julie jealous.
That was the arrangement.
Well, it looks like it worked.
There's something you need to tell me.
He already knows he saw you in the Carrie
closet.
Matt, your services are no longer required
here.
Thank you.
Cool, brother.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
I'm not sorry.
Yeah, I'm also not sorry.
Fuck you, Paul.
Fuck you, Carrie.
Okay.
Hey, hey, well, boundaries.
No violence, just boundaries.
I think, hey, I think it's time that we
all talk about our feelings.
Nobody wants to talk about their feelings,
right?
Let's talk about our feelings.
All we have is now.
And I revised it, and I think you're
really good at it.
I think I nailed it.
No, let's forget about everything,
okay?
You guys did the full thing.
We kissed her a little bit, and then she
used her hands.
Oh, wow.
But I didn't finish.
That still counts.
Okay, Carrie, my love, this is the hardest
that I've ever viewed.
I've tried on a lot of people.
A lot of people.
And I've learned that you are the one that
fits.
Malcolm Gladwell says it
takes 10,000 hours to master
something while I've only
been keeping track of the hours.
Nobody wants to hear this laugh.
I really do.
Keep going.
Thank you so much.
I've gone 10,000 hours.
So, like, are we talking about our own?
Let her finish.
Wrong run-ups.
I could just skip to the end.
No, no, before you do that, can I do my
finale?
What finale?
My grand finale.
Can I?
No.
Please, just let me do the finale.
Please.
Just do it.
If you're gonna keep talking, then just go
for it.
Quick, quick.
So... Does anybody
want some lemonade?
This is gonna be the first way I started
it, and then...
What the hell?
There was a card in there the whole time?
And then the card...
is a queen of hearts.
Because you're my queen, and you'll always
have a slice of my heart.
And then I was gonna...
I thought you'd go and do magic.
Yeah, of course I'd do magic.
And I was gonna do this.
King of spades.
Because I'm your king, and I got spade.
And then I was gonna take out this robe.
I got snipped.
But now... I don't know.
I don't get it.
I got my vasectomy reversed.
For you.
That's fucking crazy.
Okay, fuck it.
I don't need that.
Can you look at me?
I'm not good.
But life's not perfect, right?
We have to take charge.
And we're the masters of our own destiny.
Right?
Do it.
No.
I love you.
No.
And I'm sorry that I have to go on this
whole journey to realize that it's you.
It's you who I want to start a family
with.
I'm a family.
No, you don't.
I'm not having a kid.
Don't you dare.
Don't you dare.
I'm his dad.
Oh my god.
This is never gonna end.
It's gonna go like this forever and ever.
This is such a fucking dunce for fire.
Fuck!
Get over here!
Are you okay?
Hey, hold on one more time.
All right, now I have the cake.
What's the number?
Hey.
How is he?
Good.
He's leaving.
I'm really happy for you.
Thanks.
Hey, I brought Suki Kiri.
Oh, they don't want my outside food.
I know.
They feed you poison and they want to wear
everyone sick.
Hey, hide that in your mess.
What's going on?
Keep it hidden.
She created a human.
The least I could do is bring seven eight
pounds of sushi to get on.
What do you want?
Hand or mouth?
You want hand?
I feel like you can read my mind.
You can read Mama's mind?
See?
The trick is to just put a good amount in
here so that when you put the pieces
together, a gold kind of fills through the
cracks.
The patterns on this are incredible.
I know, I loved Suki.
This is really nice.
Just being here and existing.
How you going?
Good.
Hey, good.
Good.
Good.
Hey, you think they're flirting?
Who cares?
I do.
Hey.
Hi.
You slept together.
Oh, too late.
Second time's here.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
Best sex you've ever had.
Her work's not mine.
Well, it's not like Vogue.
It's not called words, but her eyes.
Are you guys glad she has it?
No.
He's just always around.
He likes chasing me.
It's kind of our thing.
Why do you think this thing works?
Because of good news.
I spoke with Spectra on the internet.
It'll be open on November, Thursday.
How has that been used for government?
Well, it's good news in general.
It's something I would have done.
So now it's done.
Here we are.
It's all out.
It's a really nice place.
You ever think about selling it?
Yeah, definitely not.
At all.
I mean, I've gone from
nothing for the bank, and
now it's just booked out
for months in advance.
I don't even really need to do anything.
Well, you do have to do something.
It's natural wood siding.
You've got to treat it.
Otherwise, you're going to get wood rot.
Yeah, well, who's going to notice that?
And get your feet off the front of the
coffee table, please.
Thanks, bud.
This fucking guy.
Why is he still here?
Because he's a super almost.
What is that, like an Airbnb slumber?
Here we go.
It's working.
So, who's your uncle?
Well, he was my gym teacher.
But I just wanted my stuff done.
And I just wanted him to look in.
Well, I don't really need it.
Cool.
And they're all still friends?
Best friends.
I got our tour out of sleep.
Oh, good.
Kid love music.
You need anything?
Um... You know what?
I'll have an espresso.
Oh, me too, please.
Yes.
Gotcha.
Thank you.
He loves being a dog.
How much do you think this thing costs?
I don't know, Brandon.
You never really know if something's
worse.
That's how you sink it.
Oh, uh... Do we need
life jackets, or... No, I don't.
This table's wobbly.
It's an Airbnb, what do you expect?
I expect that when someone
buys an architectural
masterpiece, they don't
sell it with Ikea furniture.
I have a joke about Ikea.
Never mind if someone takes the one.
When I buy this place back...
I'm not buying this place back.
I might.
You gotta manifest it.
What money are you gonna buy this place
back?
I mean, if we pooled our money
together, we could... Oh, shit.
Hey, what's going on?
Your son is not my fucking jet boat.
You sure that's him?
Yes, I'm fucking sure that's him.
He's here right there.
That doesn't look like him.
Oh, my God, I can cover him with said
guarantees.
That is their shit comes forward.
Hey, hey, hey, stop calling him,
man.
Yeah, your son is the son of his son.
You son of a bitch!
You motherfucker!
Should we... You're
watching me out.
No, just leave him.
Don't fight it!
Don't fight it!
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