Spy Intervention (2020) Movie Script

(soft soothing music)
(muffled crosstalk)
(birds chirping)
At the dawn of time,
the roles of men and
women were well-defined.
(tribal drum music)
(hawk screeching)
He who lived an adventurous life,
hunting, foraging and providing,
while she stayed in the
security of their cave dwelling
and made what little
they had at home.
But over millions of years,
something strange happened:
the lines blurred.
Call it evolution or
straight up confusion,
but the modern relationship
is so complicated.
Just like every other
couple throughout history,
we had plenty of our own issues.
While most people
plan a date night,
see a therapist or
secretly take out
their frustrations during sex,
we needed something
much more intense.
We needed an intervention.
I guess we should
start at the beginning.
When Pam and I first met,
like every other guy,
I was just trying to
scratch out a living.
(soothing bongo music)
What about Venice?
- Nah, too cliche.
- Yeah.
- You know, I don't think
Francesca eats sushi.
- Yeah well,
we can't just take 'em
to New York for
dinner this month.
That's amateur.
I don't know, they're Black Ops.
Their standards are pretty high.
- Well I'll think of somethin'.
- Yeah.
(soft intriguing music)
- What about Paris?
(jet pack whooshing)
- Well with everything
goin' on there,
I don't wanna feel
like I'm on-call.
(soft intriguing music)
(jet pack whooshing)
- Nah, you're right.
I'll think of somethin'
a little more exotic
off the grid.
(jet pack thudding)
You didn't see that or this.
(jet pack exploding)
I've got it.
- What?
- [Corey] Kathmandu.
- Kathman-fucking-du, yes!
- The girls are gonna love
the little restaurants
and dive bars in the Himalayas.
(soft intriguing music)
(bullet pinging)
(man wincing)
The important thing is
what happens in Kathmandu,
stays in Kathmandu.
(muffled whispering)
(radar beeping)
- I've got our target,
Egan Doyle.
We don't know what kind of weapon
he's trying to
acquire or from whom.
He's moving quickly
through the concourse.
(intriguing orchestral music)
(radar beeping)
- I'm so sorry, are you okay?
- [Pam] No no, I'm not okay.
- What?
(soft romantic music)
- That really fucking hurt.
(radar beeping)
- Corey, (taps) what's goin' on?
- I just don't know what
would make you in such a rush.
You don't have to be running
recklessly through a mall
without looking
where you're going.
I mean it was rude
and I've just gotten
to a point in my life
where I'm gonna be one of
these people that speaks up,
so this is me speaking up.
And I'm just curious what
you might have to say
other than you're sorry
because you've already
fucking said that.
(soft orchestral music)
- I don't know.
- Sorry, I overstepped.
Here I am giving lectures
when I should just be
I'm handing out free samples.
- What the hell are
you doin', Corey?
Go get Egan.
It's all about customer appreciation
and I want you to know
that I appreciate you.
- I feel appreciated.
- Whoa, your hands.
They're like sandpaper.
What, are you in construction
or something?
- What the?
- No, I'm not in construction.
I work in cardboard,
sell cardboard boxes.
- Right well if you want,
you can join our
membership club.
We can send you,
you know information,
specials and coupons.
I just need your email.
- Yeah, join the club.
- Great.
- I'm Corey.
- I'm Pam.
(soft romantic music)
- Corey.
Is this thing even working?
Corey, Corey!
(earpiece screeching)
Shit, I'm sorry.
I have to go.
- Is everything okay?
- Just a business meeting.
- What about your email?
Don't worry, I'll find you.
(intense intriguing music)
- Fuck, shit.
We lost Egan.
We lost Egan.
What the fuck?
(soft orchestral music)
(hawk screeching)
- Jeez, thought it was a bug.
Don't freak out, Corey's
gonna be here any minute.
- So you're looking
at Havenshire County's
year five figure skating champion.
- Wow, you're really good.
(skates swishing)
(soft romantic music)
- Oh my god.
Were you in the
Olympics or something?
Just a little ice hockey growin' up.
- I knew it.
- What?
- You're gonna be
one of those guys
who's good at everything.
- What's wrong with
being good at everything?
- Knowing you're
good at everything,
nothing will ever make you happy.
- That's not true.
I'm totally happy.
- Are you?
- Yeah, I am.
- You wanna know what I think?
I think you're one of those guys
who's always gonna be
looking up at the clouds
tryin' to figure out the next dream,
the next accomplishment trying to see
every little part of the world
and how to escape to it
all so you don't have
to look in the mirror
and find out who you really are.
- Where's the adventure
in that, my dear?
- The adventure is finding out
what's really inside.
- It's still kinda early.
What do you feel like doin'?
- No, it's your turn.
You can't expect me to
come up with everything.
- All right, well we can hop
a jet to New York, catch a play.
Jump on a yacht to Tahiti.
- Yeah.
- Or we can head
to Kenya for a safari.
- Your head, it's in the clouds.
For a guy who sells
cardboard boxes for a living,
you have quite the imagination.
- Yeah, I guess I do.
(Soft romantic music)
- Look, I've gotta get
up early in the morning
to open the store, so I think
we should call it a night.
- Yeah.
Yeah, we'll call it a rain
check on our next adventure.
(Corey sighing)
- Look, I hope I didn't
freak you out earlier
with my whole anti-thrill
seeking diagnosis.
- There's something about you.
There's a word for it.
You're just--
- Oh god, no.
No, look I've been
on way too many dates
where people pretend.
You know,
they're not themselves.
It's not me.
What you see is what you get.
- No, I get it.
I'd much rather have
you be real than--
- Present something I'm not?
- Right, yeah.
- I guess if you do
wanna come over, you can.
But I'm gonna be
watching a movie
and I have laundry,
like a lot of laundry.
Stacks of it, in fact.
- Love to do laundry
and watch a movie.
(soft romantic music)
- Great.
- Great.
(muffled TV speech)
- Are you good?
- Yeah, I'm good.
- Yeah.
(whimsical music)
(gun blasting)
(program whirring)
- Fuck!
- What the hell
is wrong with you?
You're messin' me up.
- Coffee.
- You never miss.
- Yeah well, it must be the gun.
- You know ever since we
failed that Egan mission,
you haven't been the same.
- All right Smuts, I failed
one fuckin' mission one time.
It's bound to happen
sooner or later, 'kay?
- Well it wouldn't have happened
if you weren't off
flirting with Pat.
- It's Pam.
- Whatever.
Just tell me you're not
gettin' serious with this girl.
Trust me.
Pam and I,
we're just havin' fun.
There's nothin' serious about it.
45 seconds to play
in the sudden death overtime.
(chips crunching)
(soft romantic music)
Who would you do
if you could be someone
completely different?
- What do you mean?
- Don't you ever think about
making some drastic change?
You know,
taking some risk and chance
just to be something else.
- Oh yeah, sure.
I mean why not buy a
three-bedroom house
and sell boxes from one place
rather than chase corporate
accounts all over the world?
- No no no no, you have to be
something else.
I mean like for me, I've
always always always
wanted to have my makeup line.
- Really?
- Yeah, absolutely.
I mean I can see
the packaging field the products.
I once even worked
for the chemists
in developing this firming cream.
- Firming cream,
what is firming cream?
- Oh you don't have to worry
about it, you don't need it
(chuckles softly)
All right.
So if you got it over
here, why not do it now?
- Now?
- Yeah, now.
So says the cardboard box salesman.
Why don't you just
change your career
and become what
you're dying to be?
- How do you know I won't?
- Well, I know.
I mean as much as I see myself
commanding a makeup empire,
I don't wanna sacrifice
everything I have now.
I think it'd be easier
climbing Mount Everest.
(chuckles softly)
I don't know 'bout that.
It's pretty difficult.
I'd imagine.
Although, the Napelese
food is pretty good I hear.
- So how long have
you been thinking
about that three-bedroom house
with the white picket fence?
- Ever since I met you.
- Yeah?
I sort of had a similar thought.
- You did?
- Yeah, like this morning.
I was at Target
and I saw this dinnerware set
and I just suddenly thought
these would be perfect
for our dinner parties.
- You want dinner parties?
- Corey,
we're gonna have
a lot of dinner parties.
(romantic jazz music)
- [Man] There you go.
- Is that all?
- Is that gonna make me young
enough to make you the cougar?
- (chuckles softly) Yeah, well
they do come highly recommended.
- You ever seen one of these?
They take ya all over the world.
You could ride the Harry
train with me there.
- Okay, maybe one day.
- Don't take me off
your boyfriend list.
- (chuckles softly) I won't.
- Cheers.
- Have a great day.
- See ya soon.
- Bye, thank you so much.
I don't have a gag reflex
in case you were wondering.
- Here we go.
- You are a moron.
- Mm-hmm, why?
- 'Cause he had
a frickin' black card.
- So?
- So that card is an
insurance policy, Pam.
That card says you
never have to work
at this shitty job ever again.
That card says sorry, Brianna.
I can't make it
to your birthday party
because my husband and I are
vacationing in the Swiss Alps
and then we're going
to our Italian villa
where we're gonna be
waited on hand-and-foot
by bronze-chested man servants.
- Brianna, you know
I'm in a relationship.
- Corey sells boxes, Pam.
I mean is he cute?
Does his ass look good
in a pair of jeans?
Does he have a good personality?
Why not?
But at the end of the day,
he sells cardboard
fucking boxes, Pam.
Do you know how boring that is?
- It's not boring.
Is he James Bond?
No, but like I don't
want a James Bond.
- Well good 'cause
you got James Bland.
- I just want someone
I can depend on.
Someone that is stable,
like-minded, consistent.
- Well you shoulda told me
you were looking for that
'cause I woulda hooked you
up with my grandfather.
- Okay.
(Brianna gagging)
What does he do, eat
your pussy really good?
I don't know, I don't get it.
I can't answer that question.
You just quit, what the hell?
- This whole spy life isn't
what I want anymore, Smuts.
You said it yourself,
I haven't been the same
since I failed
that last mission.
It's 'cause I'm not.
(scoffs) God.
(door buzzing)
Please don't start with that
romantic dribble about Pat.
It's Pam.
And yes she's what I care about,
Smuts all right?
I love her.
I'm ready to live
that normal life
that we've always been protecting.
(machine whirring)
Wow, okay.
So you're telling me that
you can't wait to go out,
assume your cover,
sell cardboard boxes
be chained to a desk,
join a bowling league,
start paying taxes, get a mortgage,
have a car payment,
fly commercial,
start swimming in
credit card debt?
I mean (chuckles) what are
you gonna tell me next,
that ya like drinking
domestic beer?
- I love domestic beer.
(machine whirring)
(soft soothing music)
(birds chirping)
- Done.
(soft romantic music)
(ceiling crumbling)
Holy, it's a bit of a fixer-upper.
- Yeah, but it's ours.
(lips smacking)
Well our boxes are made
of 100% recycled material.
No, I can't give you a discount.
What I can do is enroll you
in our customer
appreciation program
which does offer
rewards on both orders.
Well I'm sorry to
hear that, sir.
But if you happen
to change your mind,
don't hesitate to call back
and ask for cardboard Corey.
(net clacking)
(soft soothing music)
- Welcome to the team.
- Well let's knock 'em down
and knock 'em back, huh?
Honey, I'm home.
- Taste this.
- Mmm, that's good; what is it?
- Nepalese Momo.
I found them in this amazing
cookbook that I picked up
this week and I
couldn't find the Jimbu,
but I think this'll
taste all right.
- A what?
- It's a Nepalese dried onion.
I'm testin' for our dinner party.
- What dinner party?
- Corey.
- What?
- We're gonna have
a lot of dinner parties.
(soft romantic music)
- God, I hope it stays
like this forever.
(crickets chirping)
(fire crackling)
And for the cave people, it
did stay like that forever.
But unfortunately,
well we ain't livin' in a cave.
(ceiling crumbling)
(Corey gasping)
I thought you were gonna
call and have that fixed.
- I thought you were gonna
call and have that fixed.
(Pam sighing)
(dog barking)
(Corey grunting)
(ceiling tile clanking)
- No, we don't have
any plastic bins.
We don't have any metal containers.
We don't sell steel drums,
just boxes.
Plain old fucking
cardboard boxes. (sighs)
It's all about personality.
(lights buzzing)
(clock ticking)
It's all about passion.
It's all about
believing what you sell.
- Look I don't know what you
want me to do here, Rick.
All right?
I watched the training video,
I followed the sales manual.
At the end of the day, I
mean they're just boxes.
- No, Corey.
They're not just boxes.
These are containers that move
the treasures of our lives.
- (sighs) Right, okay.
- Remember our motto,
"Think outside the box."
(soft swing music)
- Hey, Freddy.
(claps) C'mon baby, let's go.
You got this.
Four pins, that's all we need.
(bowling pin clacking)
- Loser!
- Woo!
- Hey, what the fuck?
First we lose to Polly's Pies,
then Tim's Auto Body
and now Diana's Floral?
I mean what is this?
I don't get it.
Do you even realize that
we are the laughing stock
of this league?
Every time you throw
a gutter or miss a spare,
you guys just laugh if
off and it's not funny.
I mean I've tried to
help you guys, right?
I mean Ted, I bought
you finger grips.
Where the hell they at?
Fred, I bought you lessons.
Bob you know if
anybody was on my side,
I thought it'd be you.
I bought you a wrist guard
and you don't even wear it.
- Well why don't you quit?
- No.
Winners don't quit, Ted.
Winners win.
- I honestly don't give
a shit about winning.
- Yeah, man.
Do you know how much shit
I have to deal with at home?
I don't need extra pressure,
I don't want stress.
I come here to drink beers
and catch up with my guys.
- Hey, I forgot
to tell you guys.
My dual hood grill
just showed up.
It's incredible.
- Oh man, I am so
jealous right now.
(foreboding intriguing music)
(camera clicking)
(soft swing music)
(singers vocalizing)
- I'm kinda tired.
- Yeah, I'm kinda tired too.
Maybe tomorrow.
- Definitely tomorrow.
(Corey sighing)
- Wow, you were totally right.
This definitely
beats happy hour.
You know serial killers
hang out here, right?
Okay look,
you didn't have to come.
I told you I had to
get the track lighting.
- Listen to yourself.
You've been on like
this Joan of Arc,
mother of misery
routine for a week.
- Here we go.
- I'm just saying I get
why you're depressed.
You get up, go to work,
you come home.
You watch "Dance
Mom" for 12 hours,
then you pass out and
do it all over again.
It's enough to make
anybody miserable.
- If I lied to you and
told you I was miserable,
would that make you stop?
- I don't want you
to be miserable.
I just want you to be that Pam
that I used to know, you know?
The Pam who was like it's
four p.m., who cares?
Let's go get drunk or let's
go on a crazy shopping spree
even though we both have no
money in our bank accounts.
The Pam that just had
that like joie de vivre.
- Brianna, I am happy.
Look, you just don't understand
what it's like to be
in a relationship.
There's a lot going on.
Corey and I've gotta you know
finish stuff with the house.
We're decorating rooms,
refinishing hardwood,
installing track lighting.
It's a lot.
You know, there's just not
enough time for joie de vivre.
- Okay, well we better make
some time for margaritas
'cause this bitch is craving.
- Okay.
- (scoffs) I wish you
would've married James Bond
instead of James Bland.
- James Bond?
James Bond, really?
'Cause he was an emotionally
unstable womanizing alcoholic.
- Yeah, but that's kinda hot.
- Wow, this place is amazing.
How come we've never
hung out here before?
- You're not funny.
- You're wrong.
You see I'm Rodney
fuckin' Dangerfield, man.
I'm tellin' you comedy
is tragedy and this place
is fucking depressing.
- I warned you I had to pick
up a light package, right?
You knew what you
were gettin' into.
- Yeah, you warned me all right
and all this really excites you.
- Yes, this really excites me.
- Damn, you need a vacation.
- What?
- A vacation.
A place you can
swim with dolphins,
squirrel suit off a cliff,
hovercraft over a lake.
I don't know, just
anything to feel your mojo
that's so obviously been neutered
by this suburban insanity.
- Yeah well, I'd love to go
to some tropical destination
with warm sunshine and
cold drinks, Smuts.
But what problems
does that solve?
(cellphone buzzing)
(whimsical music)
What the hell, I'm here now.
Well why would you
have me come here
if you were gonna get it?
(sighs) Okay.
- (whistles) You really
do have a lotta problems.
- Spy means nothin'.
- Yeah well, you're
not a spy anymore.
(light clanking)
- I feel like we should
take a trip somewhere,
get outta here.
- Go where?
- I don't know, anywhere.
England, France, Nepal.
- Cool.
- Yeah,
instead of reading and
tryin' to replicate,
you know let's go.
Boots on the ground, taste
the food, see Mount Everest.
Just escape.
- I've always wanted
to see Mount Everest.
- Could cash in
some airline miles,
go for a week,
just enough time to recharge.
- Refresh.
- Invigorate.
Just forget about all
our troubles, you know?
- What troubles?
- Not troubles, just stresses.
Life's little crosses
we all have to bear.
- Yeah?
But we agreed that we'd
spend money on the house
instead of carelessly
dropping out on vacations.
I mean for instance,
we still have to install
the track lighting.
- Yeah, but do we really
want the track lighting?
- Of course we want
the track lighting.
It's part of the lighting
package that we picked out.
And if we don't have that,
what is the point of
having this island
in the kitchen
without the island?
Where are we gonna put the
stools that we had pre-ordered?
Without stools, where's
everyone gonna congregate
at the dinner party?
- What dinner party?
- Corey.
- What?
- We're gonna have
a lot of dinner parties.
- We are?
- Yeah.
(soft bossa nova music)
(Corey grunting and thudding)
(birds chirping)
(intriguing foreboding music)
(Corey wincing)
- What the hell is this?
- This is an intervention.
- [Spies] Hi, Corey.
- (chuckles) An intervention.
What the fuck do I need an
intervention for, Smuts?
- Listen man, we know
you're miserable.
- Miserable?
No, I am not miserable.
My life is great.
- We've been watching.
Your life sucks.
- You've been spying on me.
- We're spies.
That's what we do.
- Oh my god.
- We wouldn't be true spies
if we allowed you to
waste away like this.
- Yeah, so you
decided to shoot me.
- I had to test
the new tranq gun.
(soft intriguing music)
- Who the hell is this?
- Remora aka Suckerfish.
Smuts gave me the code name.
After you left, he brought
me into handle the grunt work
he didn't wanna do.
Isn't that right, Smuts?
- Yeah, thanks.
I mean he's my minion basically.
As much as I appreciate being dragged
all the way down here
and told my life sucks,
you're wrong.
I love my life.
I love that I get to
wake up every morning,
go to work and come home.
No chance of being shot.
No chance of being blown up.
Now call me crazy,
but the change is
actually quite refreshing.
(gun cocking)
- Corey, this is a safe place.
- Why do you keep
talking like that?
- Corey, Smuts and I wanted
to create a circle of trust
so you felt comfortable.
- Corey,
there's somebody we'd
like you to meet.
- Oh, fantastic.
(door clanking)
Fine, but then I'm leaving.
- Okay, thank you.
(wheelchair squeaking)
- Corey, my name
is Dr. Studebaker
and I have been
doing some analysis
on the field research I was provided.
I prepared a few images.
(slides clicking)
(soft bossa nova music)
- Big one.
- [Dr. Studebaker] Denial
and finally, acceptance.
- (claps) Bravo, Smuts.
You put a few pictures
together, what's the point?
- My point is the reason you
can't settle into suburban life
has nothing to do
with the life itself.
- Oh, well I can
maintain an erection
if that's what
you're gettin' at.
- I know, we have the slides.
Corey, you have
unfinished business.
- What the hell are you talkin' about?
- You failed your last mission
and rather than face your
failure, what did you do?
You ran away.
I believe that failure's
causing these strong emotions
of frustration in
your present life
and until you succeed
at a final mission,
you won't be able to settle into
a peaceful and tranquil existence.
- Well, thank you very,
very much
for the psychobabble bullshit.
But trust me when I tell you
my life is perfectly fine, okay?
And the last thing I need
is to chase some lunatic
half way across the globe.
You know,
you wouldn't have to go far.
The mission's here.
Egan's back.
(soft intriguing music)
Then you won't have to go
far to get him, will ya?
- Egan recently got married
and is mysteriously
honeymooning here.
We believe he's tryin' to
acquire plans for a weapon
from a local sell.
(intense foreboding music)
(slides clicking)
We've arranged for you to come
back for this one mission.
You start tomorrow.
- What the hell don't
you understand, Smuts?
I'm just not interested, okay?
Corey, they're only doing this
because they care about you.
They want to help.
- I don't need their help
and I damn sure don't need
this fucking intervention.
- Okay.
(soft somber music)
(seagulls squawking)
(helicopter blades whirring)
(soft patriotic music)
- Lemme guess,
the shrink was right
and you're only doing this
so you can settle down
in your married life?
- I hate you.
- Welcome back.
- Egan's set to arrive
Friday before noon.
He'll be stayin'
in a suite at the Pines Hotel
and unlike your perfect marriage,
we're convinced his is a cover.
- So what's our strategy?
- You're to mirror
his every move.
You've come in town
for your honeymoon
and will be stayin'
in adjacent suite
with one of our field agents
who's gonna pretend
to be your wife.
- Hold on, hold on.
You want me to pretend to
be married to someone else?
- Yeah.
(chuckles softly)
- This is the best you guys
could come up with?
Wow you didn't drag me all
the way down here for this
did you, Smuts?
- Smuts has had me
prepare the research
and all of our modeling confirms
that pretending to be married
gives us the greatest access.
- Relax, Corey.
You can still clip coupons,
trim hedges
and come home to Pam every night.
I just need you to bond
with Egan and his Mrs.
and get the plans for a weapon
that could wipe us all out.
We don't know what it is.
It could be a laser,
it could be an atom bomb.
I don't know.
I just know that
lives are at risk!
Are you willing to have
blood on your hands
because you're married
all of a sudden?!
That's on you, brother.
All right.
Fine I'll do it,
but I'm only doin' it for Pat.
(soft patriotic music)
- Once you befriend
Egan and his new bride,
you should be close
enough to use this.
(buttons beeping)
(machine whirring)
- Smuts told me to play around
in a lab for a few weeks
and I came up with this.
It's actually
a visual lie detector.
See these buttons?
Itty-bitty cameras.
When you speak directly to Egan,
it'll scan his face,
send that information
back to these monitors
where we can determine
if he's lying or not.
- And we're sure this works.
- Corey, you ever think
about leaving Pam?
- No, absolutely not.
(device buzzing)
- It works.
Let's make sure to fully
weaponize Corey's house
for his own protection.
Oh and since you're back, we'll
go ahead and pick up the tab
on your domestic beers.
(soft intriguing music)
Smuts, I'm on-site.
The preventative
security measures
are ready to be installed.
You can count on me.
I'm takin' care of business,
doing it by the book:
tackling objectives,
checking boxes.
Where the hell is Corey?
He wanted me to tell you
that he has set up
several off-site meetings
with potential buyers and that
you should be proud of him
because he's thinkin'
outside of the box.
- All right, get back to work.
A-B-C, always be cardboarding.
- Here's your key.
Agent Panzant's
waiting for you inside.
I hear she's hot.
- What's your point?
- My point is it's your
job to hook up with her.
- I'm married, remember?
I'm only doin' this to get Egan,
find closure.
- Uh-huh.
- (scoffs) Trust me.
Once this is over,
it's gonna take my relationship
to a whole other level,
all right?
- Sure.
- Whoa hey, hold up.
You're not comin' in?
- Why would I do that?
- I don't know, we just
always worked together.
- Right.
Oh my gosh.
Oh my gosh!
You're afraid to be alone
in a room with a hot girl.
What, are you afraid you're
gonna give into the temptations
on the other side of that door?
- All right, all right.
- Like a real therapy session
where you're just takin'
out your daily aggressions.
- Is that how you do it?
- Then when it's all done,
you guys just lay in like
a kiddie pool of your own sweat
in the middle of the bed exhausted,
but feelin' good.
Secret is safe with me, dude.
Spy's honor.
- You're an idiot.
(sensual jazz music)
- I hope you don't mind.
I'm a sort of a method spy.
- Method spy, huh?
- You know, like
a method actress.
I have to live it to be it.
- Right.
- And to be honest,
our whole relationship,
our marriage,
I'm just not really feeling it.
- Feeling what?
- Us, together as a couple.
I mean, think about it.
Would someone like
me ever actually
be attracted to
someone like you?
- Oh okay, I see.
Then how do you
know someone like me
would be attracted
to someone like you?
- 'Cause you look married.
- Okay.
Please don't give up on me
I know that
(cellphone buzzing)
- Where are you?
Is everything okay?
- Everything's fine.
Everything's fine.
I got a ton of work to do
so don't wait up, okay?
(intriguing bongo music)
(glove squishing)
(razor scratching)
(rhythmic orchestral music)
- This is much better.
- I'm not agreeing,
but I'm not disagreeing.
- I totally think we should
be one of those couples
who just can't keep their
hands off each other.
(hand smacking)
See you at nine tomorrow.
- Yeah, see you at nine.
Smuts, fill me in.
Gimme the details.
What's the skinny?
- I had to buy 50k
in boxes from Corey,
so his boss wouldn't
get suspicious.
- Got it.
Did you consider spacing
out the deliveries
to make it look more legitimate?
Just an idea.
You wanna grab
a beer after this?
- Corey?
- You're still up.
- Yeah, I couldn't sleep.
- What, what's goin' on?
- Your hair.
- Oh yeah, got it cut.
Just thought a little
style couldn't hurt.
- But it's kinda ridiculous.
- All right, so maybe she
went a little overboard.
I don't see why you have
to freak out about it.
- I'm not freaking out.
- A little bit.
- Okay, I am.
But if I suddenly came home
with some weird and crazy hairdo,
you'd freak out too.
- You did.
You cut your hair short.
- Okay wait, you're saying
you don't like my hair?
- What?
- When I came home with it cut,
you said you loved my hair.
- What was
I supposed to say, Pam?
Wow honey, did you
just join the Marines?
- Oh okay, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize
that our relationship
was one based on looks alone.
- You know what
I'm tryin' to say.
- No, I don't.
Something else you
haven't told me yet?
- No. (sighs)
- What is going on?!
- (grunts) What's goin' on?
What's wrong?
- Your chest.
- Oh yeah, I used a little
men's hair body removal cream.
What's the big deal?
- Oh my god.
- What?
- Nothing, it's just
you call me to tell me
that you're working late
and little did I know that you
were on your way to the spa,
turning yourself
into a metrosexual.
Everything just seems a little
bit suspicious, that's all.
- Nothing is going on
that needs to make
you suspicious, okay?
(Corey breathing heavily)
(button clicking)
(electricity buzzing)
(laser blasting)
(tub clanking)
- What was that?
- Just somethin' else
I'm gonna have to fix.
(soft foreboding music)
- Oh god, it's not happening.
It can't be happening.
Oh, it's happening.
He's having an affair.
- Well fuckin' duh, dude.
God, it'd be so much easier
if his ass didn't
look so good in jeans.
- I mean where
the fuck did it go wrong?
- Where did it go wrong?
I mean come on, look at the guy.
He sells fuckin'
boxes for a living.
He's desperate.
Of course he's gonna fall
for some firm ass model
who lives for
alcohol and orgasms.
He probably shocked
he could get her.
I mean, I was shocked.
Come on, can you believe it?
- But what should I do?
You know, do I steal his phone?
- Yes.
- Hack into his email?
- Fuck yeah.
- I can't just spy on the guy.
- Oh, yes you can.
- Really?
But I can't.
- You can.
- I shouldn't.
- You should.
- What am I even talking about?
I'm driving myself crazy.
- It's okay.
It's okay to go crazy
'cause he's a dick, okay?
And dicks make bitches crazy.
Look at me,
you need to spy on him.
That way you can catch
him in the motel,
you can kick down the door
and kick that collegiate
nympho to the curb.
I'll be there and I'll be
videotaping everything.
We'll put it on YouTube,
we'll get a ton of views.
It'll be great.
(painting clacking)
(couple panting pleasurably)
(sensual jazz music)
- The sound's drivin' me wild.
- Are we really gonna sit here
and listen to this shit all day?
- Trust me, I've done a lotta
sex stakeouts in my day.
Either Egan's a really good spy
or homeboy's really fuckin'.
Get the camera.
- Excuse me.
- Told you I'm method.
My character's in the mood.
- All right, I am not
method and my character--
- Actually this is a
really bad angle for you.
Can you just crane your
neck to left a little bit?
- What the hell are you doin'?
- Huh?
- You better not be gentle.
- (chuckles) C'mon, man.
This is for my Christmas
party blooper reel.
Remember that footage
I got of you and Graciela
from two years ago?
- Smuts, how many times
do I have to tell you
that I am fuckin' married?
- Personally,
I think open relationships
are quite progressive.
- Wow you're a real freak,
aren't you?
Just shut up and point
the camera, all right?
Now if you could just
get a little closer,
make it feel real.
(cellphone buzzing)
- Hello?
Hey, baby.
- No, no, no, we'll never
use any of this wife stuff.
It's not that kind of a movie.
- What am I up to?
Just bangin' lots of boxes.
- There we go.
- No, no, no, no, do not do that.
Do not do that.
I will do it in 15
minutes and I'll be there.
- Just bring it down
a little bit please.
- Okay, bye.
Listen as much fun as
this is, I have to go.
- Now?
- Now?
- Yeah, now.
You're the one who told me
not to let Pam get suspicious,
You totally killed it.
- Well Smuts can fill in.
Have a blast.
- You can't leave.
We're in the middle
of a mission.
- So am I.
It's called savin' my marriage.
Sound like a mission impossible, right?
- What, that's stainless.
Thought we talked
about brushed nickel.
- Oh, well we changed our mind.
- But the brushed nickel
goes with the vanity hangers.
- Yeah, I'm changing
the vanity hangers.
- So then what's the purpose
of me being here, Pam?
- I wanted your input.
(shopping cart rattling)
(soft intriguing music)
(foreboding music)
(soft intriguing music)
- Get here.
(both grunting)
Where's the gun?
Where is it?! (breathes heavily)
(scanner beeping)
- What the hell was that?
- What?
Nothing, gonna be fine.
- Corey, you just had
a guy in a headlock.
- You know it's better to
be safe than sorry, right?
- I mean imagine
if someone we knew
had seen you acting like that.
(cellphone buzzing)
Never would've come to
one of our dinner parties.
- What dinner parties?
Hey, Rick.
- Corey, get your ass
in the office now.
- Okay, I'm on my way.
I gotta get back to the office,
I'll see you then?
- Sure.
(soft intriguing music)
- Nice hair.
- Nice clothes.
- Nice ass.
- You wanted to
see me there, Rick?
- Cardboard Corey's back.
- He is.
- Goin' to Pines Hotel.
Three days, two nights,
all-expense paid.
- Boy, the Pines.
I don't know what to say.
- You think you're shocked.
- I couldn't believe it
when that 10,000 box
order came through.
- 10,000.
- You broke the company
record, broke my record.
You damn near broke
the world record.
How'd you do it?
- Oh you know, Rick.
I just took your advice
and (clicks) thought
outside the box.
- Mm-hmm, well you're not
gettin' off that easy.
- I'm not?
- Starting today, I'm gonna
have the rest of the guys
follow us to your meetings.
You know, see how a real
professional does it.
- Wow Rick, you know.
I don't want the
other guys to know.
You know I like to work alone.
Just me, you know?
It helps me kinda focus in.
Takes teamwork to make a dream work.
You did watch tape two, right?
- Yeah.
(rhythmic drum music)
- Hey Corey,
congrats on that hotel thing.
- Yeah thanks a lot, Bob.
- I thought I was
gonna win this year.
But 10,000 boxes, huh?
That's somethin'.
- Trust me, it's nothin'.
- Yeah, but I don't
need a five-star suite.
Just another place my wife
wouldn't have sex with me.
- Okay, yeah.
- We'll see you tonight.
- Tonight?
- Bowling, remember?
Got the tournament,
Diana's Floral.
- Shit.
Yeah, right.
Of course,
I'll see you guys there.
- I told you to be here at 6:03.
It's 6:10,
where the hell were you?
- Oh I'm sorry, Smuts.
Before your little intervention,
I had something called
a life that I had to deal with.
- I always just called it pitiful.
- How tight are these?
(Corey grunting)
Well it's funny you say that
because this whole time I've
been dealin' with the fact
that you bought 10,000
boxes from me in one day.
What happened to the fact that
I told you to space it out,
you know make it look legit?
- What'd you expect me to do,
go in and fill out
a form every day?
I'm not gonna waste my time.
I've got things to do.
- Things to do.
Oh, that's great.
Well just so you
know thanks to you,
now I'm dealing with heat
from home, heat from work.
- Actually, I'm in heat.
Is that odd?
(computer whirring)
Actually, I'm in heat.
- Yes.
- Goddammit.
All right, let's get
our head in the game.
Claudia and Egan's restaurant
reservation is for seven p.m.
- How come your suit fits?
- Oh, thank you.
(birds chirping)
- [Brianna] He is not even
going to recognize you.
- Brianna, I look like a hooker.
I'm supposed to be undercover,
not auditioning for strip clubs.
Look, every year when I wanted
to start my own business,
I would go out and buy
something smart, sophisticated.
Something that says
I mean business.
So this is me.
I'm finally saying
I mean business.
- I love it.
You just need to hire my
lip girl and you're done.
- God, who am I kidding?
I can't do this.
I don't want to do this.
This is not who I am.
- Pam, you listen to me, okay?
You need to reclaim yourself.
You are a sexy, wild bitch.
- That would be embarrassing.
Some risks aren't worth taking.
(sensual jazz music)
(glasses clinking)
- You see 'em?
- Oh you mean the sexy couple
that's actually
having a good time?
Vodka, meat.
- Club soda.
- He'll have a martini.
- Club soda.
- Straight up with a twist.
- What are you doin'?
- What are you doing?
You know, you should be
believable as my husband.
- Believable?
Let's not forget I'm the
one who's married here.
- Oh please.
Another big night
for you at home
is probably watching reruns
and eating leftovers,
but our marriage is not stuck
on opposite sides of the bed.
- Oh trust me, darling.
My marriage happens
all over the bed.
- Thank you.
(glasses clinking)
(Alexandria chuckling softly)
Okay, big picture.
We need to connect with Egan,
so you need to connect with me.
So drink up, look at me
like you wanna fuck me
and check your baggage
with the bellhop.
- What baggage?
- What do you mean, what baggage?
Remember Corey,
this is your intervention.
- You knew about that.
(sensual jazz music)
- Has anyone considered
they might actually
just be here on their honeymoon?
- No chance.
Everything they do is
too connected, forced.
Trust me, that's not
what married people do.
- Ooh.
- What are you doin'?
- What?
Should I stop?
Is it bad?
Is it not what married people do?
- Alex, sit down.
- Why?
- Because you're drawing attention.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Who's looking at me?
Are the waiters watching?
What about Egan?
Is he watching?
What about you?
Are you watching?
- You're gonna blow this.
- Oh, you.
(sensual jazz music)
(Alexandria thudding)
(hands smacking)
(intense tribal drumming)
(sensual jazz music)
(intense electro music)
Get up.
(rhythmic saxophone music)
(Alexandria sighing)
(Alexandria chuckling softly)
(sensual jazz music)
I'm sorry I borrowed
your husband,
but this place
was a little dead.
- Are you kidding?
That was the most fun
we've had on our honeymoon.
- Wait, you're on
your honeymoon?
We're on our honeymoon.
- Shut up.
- Yeah.
- Shut up.
- Oh, I love you.
Hopefully we'll see
you guys some more.
- Well we're gonna be
hanging by the pool tomorrow.
Just drop on by.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- I hope you don't
mind if we turn in.
I just got super tired.
(Alexandria chuckling)
- Bye.
Okay, so now we have a pool
date with them tomorrow.
I guess you convinced
them you wanna fuck me.
(watch beeping)
- Shit, I gotta go.
- Go where?!
- Bowling tournament.
- Pfft. (chuckles)
- You guys shoulda seen
this Home & Garden Show.
Took up the entire Civic Center.
I mean they had pools,
tubs, lawn care, everything.
I even won a raffle.
- What'd you win?
- Leaf blower, a good one too.
- Nice.
- No shit.
- You're excited about
a leaf blower, Bob?
- And you'll be too.
Come fall all those
trees in your yard,
you're gonna be beggin'
me to borrow it.
- No, I just mean
there's gotta be more
to get excited about, right?
Leaf blowers and goddamn
home shows, is that it?
- It's an acquired appreciation.
- Look, all I'm sayin'
is you guys even notice
that all we ever talk
about is the yard
or adding a deck or
buying a new grill?
There's got to be more to life
than the fuckin' hardware
store, am I right?
- No, not really.
The only thing that
excited me last year
was when I put a
kegerator in my garage.
- [Fred] That was awesome.
- So you're tellin' me that
this is all there is to life?
What we're livin' right
here, right now, this is it?
- Yeah, how hard is it?
You get married.
You watch each other
go to complete hell.
Have a kid maybe two,
stop having sex.
Save for retirement,
get the golden handshake.
Play golf on the weekends.
Take a dick pill, realize
that was a mistake.
Pick out where you want
your ashes scattered,
leave everything to the
kids and hopefully you know,
a lotta people show
up at your funeral.
- I'll come to your funeral, Fred.
- Thanks, Ted.
- Corey, it's not like
there's some grand adventure
out there waiting for us.
(Ted gulping)
We're just livin' life
like everyone else.
- And you guys are okay with that?
(soft intriguing music)
- [All] Yeah.
- Aren't you?
- Yeah, 'course I am.
- You're home late.
- I had bowling.
- Really?
Then why were there two messages
from the guys wondering
where you were?
- Well I showed up late
'cause I had to work late.
Big day at the office.
- Another one?
- Actually, I won the all-expense paid
resorts vacation.
- Well then let's go.
- Wait, you wanna go?
- Yes, let's go this weekend.
- No, I can't.
- You can't what?
You were the one
that wanted to take
a spur-of-the-moment
trip, why not do it?
- Because I can't, Pam.
You know, all right?
I mean plus, I thought
we were gonna do stuff
around the house.
- Like what?
- (sighs) Track lighting.
- Are you mocking me?
- Are you mocking me?
- Are you drunk?
- I'm not drunk, Pam.
I had a few martinis
and a couple of beers.
- What's gotten into you?
- What's gotten into you?
- I just wanna do
something different.
- And I just wanna
lay on the couch.
- Fine.
- Fine.
(pillows thudding)
(sighs) What was that for?
- The couch.
(tribal drum music)
(fire crackling)
- Blissfully committed
to their simple routine,
the cave people never felt
the need to seek excitement
from the outside world.
Unfortunately for us,
well that outside world
was quickly unraveling
any sense of routine.
- Morning.
(rhythmic intriguing music)
Operation: Catch Corey is back on.
Rick says we're all goin'
on a sales call together.
- Yeah, lemme just
confirm everything
and we'll get on outta here.
- Alrighty.
(soft intriguing music)
- Oh, that little sneak.
(device whirring)
(scoffs) My god,
do you ever wear clothes?
Excuse me,
what you're seeing here
is top-of-the-line
tactical gear.
This spy-kini she's wearing
is completely bulletproof,
fireproof and waterproof.
- My character sees your
character wearing this.
Oh I assumed you're small.
- You're tellin' me
these can stop a bullet.
- Sure.
- Don't get shot.
- They're waiting down
by the pool.
- Yeah, I'm not wearing these.
- You're gonna have to.
They've already
stitched the cameras in.
- Where?
(pen beeping)
- Here, just put it on.
(soft rhythmic drumming)
- All right, I'll put 'em on.
But I'm not doin'
it for you guys,
I'm gonna do it for
the mission, for Pam.
(doorknob squeaking)
(soft intriguing music)
- Oh hey, how are you guys?
- I've got a visual.
- I just feel so stupid.
I mean here I am
following my own husband
into a fucking honeymoon suite.
- Oh my god, he's a
frickin' polygamist.
I knew it.
Everybody watches a couple
episodes of "Big Love"
and then they think they
can do whatever they want.
Sorry honey, we're closed.
- Oh my god, there they are.
Oh it would just be so much
easier if she's a mess,
but she's--
- Pam.
(vocalizes) I do not even
wanna hear what she looks like
because there is no way in hell
that she's prettier than you.
All right, tell me
what she looks like.
Like some femme fatale
Bond villain
that just graduated from
Harvard with a degree
in you know fucking up my life.
- Stop.
You have to take the reins here.
You're his wife, okay?
You cannot let this
other woman win.
(soft intriguing music)
- Hey when you got it,
you flaunt it right?
- When we first decided
to honeymoon here,
so many people were like,
"Well that's different,
"but it's just so
beautiful here."
- I know, I had never been
to upstate New York before.
But the moment he proposed,
he insisted he had
to honeymoon here.
- I'm at a total loss.
This is not the man
that I married.
- You need to go confront him.
- I can't.
- You can.
What do you want me to do?
You want me to drive up there?
I'll drive up there and
I will cut Corey's dick off.
I will Lorena Bobbitt
that motherfucker.
I will take his dick and
I will throw it in the forest
and a little squirrel
will pick it up
and run away and
put it in its nest
and he'll never have it again.
He'll be dickless.
- Brianna.
- I can cut his nuts
off if that's better.
If the dick's too much,
you know I can always
take the balls.
My grandma used to do it
with the hens all the time.
- Look, no one's nuts
are being cut off.
- (sighs) Well then you
need to go confront him.
(soft intriguing music)
- So why did you decide to
honeymoon in Glens Falls?
- We've been jet-setting
around the world
for the last two years
straight for business,
so we wanted something
quaint and charming,
a bit out of the way, off-the-grid.
- How 'bout you guys?
What made you select
a place off-the-grid?
- Same.
Off-the-grid's the desired
honeymoon destination,
am I right?
(intense intriguing music)
You know service
is kinda slow here.
I think I'm gonna go
order from the bar.
Do you guys want anything?
Why don't we split
a decent bottle of champagne?
Great idea.
- Little birdie's on the move.
- That's my birdie.
(intriguing orchestral music)
- You have something I need.
(fingers whacking)
(man thudding)
(pen tearing)
- Shit.
- [Remora] What happened?
(soft intriguing music)
- Can you help me?
- Almost got it.
- All right, all right.
That's fine.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
(glasses clinking)
- Honey, you're sweating.
Why don't you take
a dip and cool off?
- And you should reapply
the sunscreen, sweetheart.
You're startin' to burn.
All right Corey, play it off.
Don't let Egan suspect anything.
(soft intriguing music)
- Mmm, feels so good.
(moans pleasurably)
- Do you wanna grab a beer
or something after this?
- How many times do
I have to tell you?
I don't wanna hang.
I don't wanna grab a beer.
We're not gonna watch
the game together.
- Okay, I just see how
cool you and Corey are
and I was hoping that someday
you and I might have that,
be more than just two
guys saving the world.
- Suckerfish, Corey and I,
we've been buddies
since we were teens.
We were recruited together
and we trained together.
We've spoiled some pretty
crazy plots around the globe.
I mean,
you know I'm the only one
that knows Corey's real name?
- Wow.
- You and I, we just
don't have that history.
- Yeah you and I don't
have that history yet,
but someday we might.
- I just don't really
see that happening.
(intriguing orchestral music)
Oh shit, look who's here.
- Aw, shit.
Aw, shit.
This is bad.
This is really bad.
(cellphone buzzing)
(intriguing spy music)
(cellphone buzzing)
(Alexandria scoffing)
- Hey, what's up?
- Oh nothing.
What's up with you?
- Is there a reason you
called me three times, Pam?
I just stepped out of a meeting.
- Oh, what kind of a meeting?
- A business meeting.
- Oh yeah, what were
you talking about?
- Why are you acting like this?
- Acting like what?
I'm just tryin' to ask you
about your day,
see if you're doin' all right.
Curious what you're up to.
- That's why you called?
- Mm-hmm.
Oh no, actually.
I need you to drop by the store.
- What?
- Yeah, it's on your way home.
- Okay fine, just text it to me.
- Why can't you write it down?
- Pam.
Just tell me and
I'll remember, okay?
- Okay some cinnamon, cardamom,
semi-sweetened dark chocolate,
pine nuts, mocha extract,
light syrup, cocoa powder,
pastry shells and some
(inhales) popsicle sticks.
- Okay, got it.
- Okay, now repeat it back to me.
- What?
- Just repeat it,
so I know you know.
- I know what it is, Pam.
- Then repeat it.
(intriguing orchestral music)
- Popsicle sticks, cinnamon.
- Some cinnamon, cardamom,
semi-sweetened dark chocolate,
pine nuts, mocha extract,
cocoa powder,
pastry shells and popsicle sticks.
- Fine.
- Did you write it down?
- Pam, I told you I'll remember.
- Oh really?
Oh I'm so sorry.
I don't know what's
wrong with me.
Here I am rambling on and on
while you're trying to work.
That's it, you're hard
at work by the pool,
having some tramp rubbing
sun lotion in your back.
- Pam?
- What?
What's the matter?
You've too many wives to remember?
- No Pam, just wait.
What's with the hat?
(Pam grunting)
(purse smacking)
(Smuts scoffing)
- God.
Swear to god, we need to put
an restraining order on her.
- Yeah, she can
be a little crazy.
Maybe I should just check.
(intriguing orchestral music)
- That's his ex-fiancee.
She's a tad bit delusional.
(cellphone buzzing)
- Shit, yeah?
(razor buzzing)
- I hate making these calls.
- What calls?
- The ones where
I let people go.
- What're you
talkin' about, Rick?
I'm your best salesman, right?
I mean I won the free trip.
My sales are through the roof.
I want team players,
not prima donnas.
Guys see what you're doin'
and start coppin' attitudes,
doin' things their way.
Next thing you know, the
whole company goes to shit
because you wanna play
the game your way.
- I mean I think I'm settin'
an example here, Rick.
You know, raising
the bar a little bit.
- What bar, what example, huh?
You just left.
I don't even know where
the hell you are right now.
- I went on assignment.
- Bullshit.
That's what I used
to say to my wife
when I was fuckin' her sister.
That's it, Corey.
You're fired.
(tires screeching)
(intriguing spy music)
Pam, you gotta let me explain.
- (scoffs) I would love
to hear your explanation
or you could just go with
I'm screwing somebody else.
- I'm not having an affair.
- I know, I know.
You married her.
You're on your honeymoon,
- Pam, just listen to me.
Calm down and let
me explain myself.
(doorbell dinging)
Who the fuck is that?
- The dinner party.
- Dinner party?
What fucking dinner party, Pam?
I mean my god,
you keep goin' on and on
about these dinner
parties that don't exist!
We bought dishes.
We bought a bar.
I installed a water feature
all for these dinner parties
that never seem to happen.
- I am not canceling
my dinner party
just because you had
some sordid affair.
- I wasn't cheating.
(doorbell dinging)
All right look, I'm gonna tell
'em that we made a mistake
and we'll do this another night.
- No!
No no, no you won't.
You are not ruining my dinner party
just because our marriage is over.
(doorbell dinging)
(intense intriguing music)
- Hey, everybody.
- Is this one of them
swingers parties?
'Cause we didn't
bring any rubbers.
We just thought that
it would be fine for tonight.
- Just would be fun to
get dressed up because--
- Yeah, well we wanted
tonight to be a--
- It's a theme party.
- Yeah.
- What kinda theme?
- A spy theme dinner, Bob.
- Yes, exactly.
You see 007 just
got outta the pool.
- [Corey] And Agent 99 here
was just about to
make some drinks.
- I've got martinis;
shaken, not stirred.
- Who wants to be
Money Penny? (claps)
All right, shall we?
(intriguing drum music)
(door bashing)
- Cheers.
(glasses clinking)
- You know Pam, we woulda
perfectly understood
if you needed to cancel.
- Why would I have to cancel?
- Well if I got
fired, the only party
we'd be havin' that night
is my funeral. (chuckles)
(soft orchestral music)
- You know what?
I think he did say
something about that.
- You weren't supposed
to say anything, Ted.
- Here are my Parmesan
portobello slices
with sun-dried tomato.
- Pam, these are so good.
Do you have a secret ingredient?
- Oh I'm sorry, Bob.
My secret is what you
see is what you get.
No little white lies,
no half-truths, no funny little fibs.
- Bob, will you
excuse us a second?
- Why?
No, they're fine.
They already know that
you lost your job.
I just found out from Fred.
- Oh, I'm Ted.
- Pam, you have to let me explain.
- Trust me, this way
it'll be so much easier
to split up the assets.
- Corey, now that we're not
competin' over the trip,
you wanna tell me how you
sold so many damn boxes?
(doorbell dinging)
(intense intriguing music)
- [Brianna]
What the fuck is this?
- Brianna, are you okay?
- Am I okay?
Am I okay?
I just spent an hour in
the car convincing myself
you didn't leap to your death
and here you are having a--
- [Pam] A dinner party.
- A dinner party.
- Yeah.
- Well why wasn't I invited?
- It's sort of a couples-only.
- Oh, couples-only.
Why are you still
wearing that costume?
- 'Cause it's a spy
theme dinner party.
- Oh, a spy theme dinner party.
Ooh, so fancy.
You know what, Pam?
I just can't believe
after hours of me
listening to your marital woes,
this is how I'm treated.
But if the name's not
taken, I'm Pussy Galore.
(doorbell dinging)
(intense intriguing music)
- The hell are you doin' here?
- We have to get you--
- Hi, I'm Pam.
I didn't get to
introduce myself earlier
because you're whoring yourself
around with my husband.
But I just want to let
you know that tomorrow
we are getting a divorce.
But tonight I'm having
my dinner party, okay?
- I came by to say
that I'm sorry.
- Sorry you got caught or sorry
that you're a whore
that lacks style?
- Sorry because this
isn't what it looked like.
- Exactly.
- Don't insult my intelligence.
- No, I'm serious.
Alexandria here is an actress.
- A method actress actually.
- Superbly talented.
- Okay I saw, remember.
- Right.
You see, sweetheart.
I found out that a huge
potential client and his wife
were gonna be honeymooning
over at that hotel.
So I thought why not hire
an actress to play my wife,
go to the hotel, bond with
guy and make the big sale.
- Yeah I mean, it was
completely legitimate.
I've been in the business
since I was a kid.
Lots of musical theater.
- Yeah, whatever.
Look, why don't you help
yourself to a doggie bag
and then you can choke on it?
- Oh, I'm staying here
'cause Corey hired me
to be here for the dinner party.
- That's right, I did.
- To do what?
- To teach dance.
Cue the music.
(drum rolling)
(tribal drum music)
Dance with me.
- You lucky son of a bitch.
- Spin me.
Egan's on his way.
- You could not have
hired her tonight.
You didn't even remember that
we were having a dinner party.
- You have to get these
people out of here.
Go ahead and ask
your wife to dance.
You have to get these
people out of here.
- Fine.
If people are dancing,
we're dancing.
("Wheels Fall Off" by Madyx)
(car engine roaring)
(tires screeching)
You can try to stop me
You can
You can try to stop me
And I'm goin' 'til
the wheels fall off
- I need you to come clean.
Just be honest with me.
I mean if I have ever
meant anything to you
in any level at any point,
I deserve to know
what's going on.
- You're right.
(doorbell dinging)
(eerie foreboding music)
(gun blasting)
(bullets pinging)
- Nobody moves.
Where is it?
- Don't know.
- I want my pen back.
- All right all
right, take it easy.
But leave them outta
this, they're innocent.
- No no, yeah you're right.
We should just keep
this between us,
but I like a little
bit of insurance.
- [Corey] No.
- I want my pen back
with the plans on it
delivered in an hour and why
don't you gas up the jet?
- A jet?
- Mm-hmm.
- And if I can't
get it here by then?
- Then your wife will die.
- She's not his wife.
This is his wife.
- Yeah, could someone
just please explain to me
what the hell is going on?
- Honey, I'm a spy.
- Okay, enough of that
charade already.
- No, I am.
I'm serious.
We work for the government
as part of an elite taskforce
trained to stop high-tech
futuristic weapons
from falling in the hands
of fuckfaces like this guy.
Okay, well this definitely falls
under reconcilable differences.
(phone clucking ringtone)
- Hello?
- Smuts, I need you to
bring me the pen right away.
- Okay.
- You guys weren't
actually married?
- No.
- But your ring seemed so real.
- It was cubic zirconia.
- Shut up.
- Mm-hmm.
- Shut up.
- Yeah.
- So is mine.
- Wait, but you guys
seem so happy together.
- No, you guys seemed
so happy together.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Nobody's actually
happy here, okay?
Let's review: you
and I aren't married.
These two aren't married.
The only people here that
are really married are them.
- Oh, no.
No, actually we're
getting a divorce.
(Egan scoffing)
(oven beeping)
Oh fuck, my lasagna.
- Whoa, excuse me?
- My lasagna, it's burning.
I need to get it.
- Are you kidding me?
- Are you kidding me?
Do you want this
house to burn down?
- I don't care.
- To him sweetheart,
I don't think
your lasagna's the
key issue here.
- It's actually not my
lasagna, it's Stouffer's.
- You want me to serve
Stouffer's at our dinner party?
- Well I was gonna
make it from scratch,
but you in the midst were
playing spy meets adulterer
meets probably the worst
husband in the world.
- Honey, I think
you're overreacting
just a little bit
here, all right?
I'm gonna take care of this.
- Overreacting?
(oven door slamming)
Do you know how
humiliating this is?
You know how heartbreaking it is
to have your marriage
be over within...
Oh (mumbles), in a year?
I'm now a statistic.
I'm one of those,
one of those people
where you probably
had some I don't know Navy
SEAL mental training shit
where you know how to handle
all these sorts of situations
to probably diffuse
a bomb under pressure.
- The hell is she doin'?
(crickets chirping)
- I'm leaving.
I'm packing my things.
You can shoot me if you want,
but otherwise I'm moving out.
- Can you stop her?
- Can you stop her?
- Yeah, I could shoot her.
(soft foreboding music)
- Let's go.
(soft intriguing music)
- I knew we should've
gone to Nepal.
If not Nepal, Paris.
If not Pairs, London.
I mean just done something,
anything to escape the confines
of this ridiculous place.
- Pam, sweetheart.
Let's just get through this
and we can reset, okay?
We'll call it
a second honeymoon.
We can go to all those
places, I promise.
- Okay, so now you don't mind
about skipping our
weekend projects?
You know putting off
the track lighting,
not even fixing the ceiling
that constantly crumbles.
- How many times do
I have to tell you, Pam
that I will get to it
when I fucking get to it.
(ceiling crumbling)
Press the red button
under the bed.
(button beeping)
- Holy shit.
(laser blasting)
Okay, what is that?
- That's a high-tech electrical
charge particle solidifier.
In short, force field.
- So you just had this
stuff here the whole time?
- Yeah, pretty much.
- You never thought about
pulling out one of these gizmos
when we were getting intimate?
- You would've wanted that?
- Yeah, I would've tried that.
- Well, we can.
- Corey, I'm not having
anymore dinner parties.
(soft intriguing music)
(window crashing)
(knife stabbing)
(man wincing)
(door squeaking)
(intriguing jazz music)
Anyone for charades?
- Who wants a nightcap?
- [Dispatcher]
60 off 10th Avenue.
- Come on.
(muffled radio speech)
- I just have one question.
- Yeah?
- Is your real name Corey?
- I wish it was.
- Goodbye.
(soft intriguing music)
(device beeping)
- Where are ya headed?
- Does it matter?
(intriguing bongo music)
(name tag tearing)
- Whoa, hey.
Were you serious?
- Brianna, wasn't it your idea
for me to get out
of here and see the world?
- I mean it was and
then we tried it
and it was really exhausting,
you know?
It's like kinky sex.
You think you want it
'til you actually have it
and end up with
a penis in your ear.
- That's disgusting.
- Do you even have a plan?
- Yeah.
- What's your plan?
- To climb Mount Everest.
- To climb Mount Everest, really?
What, are you working for
"National Geographic" now?
(soothing bossa nova music)
Undercover: Discover who you really are.
(wind whistling)
(ice tool clanking)
- [Smuts] What about Cairo?
- Yeah?
- Cozumel?
- Cozumel's cool.
- (breathes heavily)
Dude, what's wrong?
- Nothin's wrong, man.
- Okay.
- Oh, what about Rio?
- I like Rio, you know that.
- I love Rio.
You're not excited about Rio.
Okay, you must've forgotten
about that night
in the rainforest.
- I didn't forget about the
night in the rainforest, Smuts.
Why can't we keep
it simple, you know?
Like in the movie.
- What?
Okay, okay.
Three feet, three feet,
three feet.
Okay, that's it.
The sun's sizzling your brain.
We've climbed too close.
C'mon, we need some UV.
Here, use this.
It really works.
- Yeah, I know.
I got the whole line.
Even their eye moisturizer's
incredible, isn't it?
Soothing, too.
- You really miss her, don't ya?
- I do not.
- From my perspective, you
never stopped loving her.
No matter what your cover was,
you can't disguise
what's in your heart.
(somber piano music)
- Yeah.
Yeah, maybe.
- You know, I really
didn't hear what you said.
But that sounded really
fucking beautiful, Suckerfish.
- Thanks, man.
- Hey, you wanna get
a beer with me later on?
- I'd like that.
- Just kidding.
I'm not for the sweet stuff,
let's move.
(both grunting)
(ice crumbling)
Hold up, we got a problem.
(soft tribal music)
- Excuse me, sir.
(man mumbling)
- Very good Jimbo.
Debit or credit?
(jet whooshing)
(rhythmic Asian music)
- "Pam, I hope you enjoy the basket.
"I think it would've been perfect
"for the second dinner
party we never got to have."
Dinner party.
What dinner party?
(soft bluegrass music)
(tranq dart whooshing)
(Corey grunting)
(soft intriguing music)
(Corey wincing)
- What the hell is this?
- Corey, this is an intervention.
- Oh god, not again.
For what?
- Because you're miserable.
- I'm not miserable.
- Oh, no no no no.
- Yeah, we started dating
after the dinner party.
- You've been dating
Brianna this whole time
and you didn't tell me?
- Look, what was
I supposed to say?
I mean I'm in covert ops with
your ex-wife's best friend?
- I love it when
he talks like that.
- You guys?
I figured you hated me.
I was a total pain in the ass
and completely self-centered.
- I don't care what you were.
After I canned your ass,
these guys wouldn't shut
up about your spy tactics.
When I finally let them try it,
they broke all
your sales records.
- Yup, made him go method.
- We also got a bowling coach
and kicked the shit
outta Diana's Floral.
- Bob's been wearin'
his wrist guard.
- (chuckles) All right, well
this is all well and good, guys.
But somebody please tell me
why the hell you went through
all this trouble and what for?
- [Pam] Because I had to
test the new tranq gun.
(soothing romantic music)
- Hey.
- It's actually my tranq gun.
- Dude.
- So you're the reason
for this intervention?
- Well if you're not too busy
tryin' to save the world,
I thought we should
give us another shot,
a different shot.
You know if you
hadn't been a spy,
I would've never woken up
and realized who I really am.
- What about just being
still looking in the mirror?
- Where's the adventure
in that, my dear?
- So does this mean we get
to take a second honeymoon?
- Anywhere you want.
- What do you think
about Kathmandu?
- Oh you know what they say,
"What happens in Kathmandu,
"stays in Kathmandu."
- "Stays in Kathmandu."
(soft romantic music)
- [Corey] Okay, so maybe
the whole intervention thing
was a little extreme.
But if we embrace our
primal caveman instincts
instead of hiding
from them in suburbia,
we'll realize that every
day can be an adventure.
(soft romantic music)
But I'm goin' 'til
the wheels fall off
("Wheels Fall Off" by Madyx)
You can try to stop me
You can try to stop me
But I'm goin' 'til
the wheels fall off
You you
You you you
You can try to stop me
You can try to stop me
But I'm goin' 'til
the wheels fall off
Don't call me your baby
Mistake me for a lady
Don't you
Don't you know
that I'm crazy
Don't you know that I'm
Don't say that you want me
Don't say that you
You need me
Don't you dare believe me
Don't you know that I'm
But I'm goin' 'til
the wheels fall off
(intriguing orchestral music)