Stag (2013) Movie Script

One for the money
Two for the show
Three to get ready
And go
[ laughter ]
One for the money,
two for the show
Three to get ready,
four for the dough
One of the money,
two for the show
Three to get ready,
now here we go
Get get get back
Get g-g-g-get back
[ laughter ]
Live it up now,
live it up now
Live it up now
Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
[ laughing ]
All right, he's
right in front of you.
Straight ahead.
Straight ahead.
Straight ahead.
[ bell rings ]
Straight ahead.
ALL: Ohh!
[ laughing ]
Unh unh unh unh
Co-co-come on
Have a good time
Morning, sweetie.
How did you sleep?
Not good.
Tossed and turned
a lot.
I've gotta say this.
You've been acting really
weird the last several days.
Like, really nervous
and on edge,
so I'm thinking
either you're having
second thoughts
about getting married,
or there's
a problem at work
you're not
telling me about,
or, I don't know, maybe
there's someone else?
Babe, come on,
don't be ridiculous.
Okay, well,
but there's something.
Because you've been like
this big sack of nerves
that's all twitchy and jumpy.
I'm fine.
[ laughs ] Okay?
Fuck you, cereal!
Fuck you, cereal!
Fuck you, milk!
Fuck you guys toge-
Fuck! You
fucking piece of-
Fuck! Shit!
In the face!
Good afternoon, sir, hi.
My name is Luke Gordon,
and I'm calling from Janitors
Bucket Cleaning Service,
and I'm very excited
to be talking to you
about our exceptional
cleaning system.
Believe it or not,
we do have some people
in your building today
dealing with other clients,
and I was wondering-
No, there's
no Janet here.
Yeah, it's Janitors Bucket
Cleaning Service, and-
Well, I can't take
a message for someone
who doesn't exist-
I'm calling you.
Sir, no, I can't-
No, there's no Janet.
I can't-
Go ahead. Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Yeah, I'll have her
call you, Fred. Bye!
Oh, shoot me in the face.
KEN: It's
this stupid stag.
Wait, your stag?
How can that
be bothering you?
I thought that was,
like, every guy's dream.
Okay, babe, you've got
a great group of friends
that you've known
since you were, what, 16?
And I'm sure they're
anxious to see you tonight
and, you know, be part of
this special, memorable event.
Yeah, I bet they are.
So then why wouldn't
you be excited about it?
Two years ago,
I organized a group
that got Jason Albright
so drunk he passed out.
We stripped him
buck naked
and then covered
his ass in ice.
Ohh! [ laughing ]
KEN: I then cut off
the top of a pineapple,
wedged that bad boy
into the crack of his ass
so it looked
like the whole pineapple
was shoved into his butt
and just the leaves
were sticking out.
I took a picture of it,
and then I circulated it
around the office.
Okay, now you're
just making that up.
You think
I'm making this up?
You think this is-
Okay, I'm gonna show you
what I'm making up.
Here. [ laughs ]
It's my screen saver!
Oh! Oh, my God!
Yeah! I'm screwed!
Payback's a bitch, huh?
what are you doing?
You know what
I have planned for Ken?
It's friggin' brilliant.
No, I don't know,
and, uh,
I'm not really
that concerned, so-
Wa-wait, you're going
to the stag, right?
I don't think so.
I mean, I've got
a lot of work to do.
I've got to get through
these cold calls, so...
Okay, so you don't want
to go to the stag, or...?
Are you kidding me?
The last time
I saw a vagina,
it was when my daughter
was coming out of it.
Your daughter's 6.
I know.
You need
to come to this!
I don't know.
I just-
Come on, man, hang with
the boys like the old days.
You know, just forget about your
responsibilities for a few hours.
This is our chance
to prank the prankster.
It's gonna be the best!
I don't know.
I mean, I really do
have some work to do,
and Liz is not gonna
want me to go, okay?
She doesn't mind me going out
with the guys and having beers,
but she's not gonna like
the fact that there's
a stripper there-
What are you doing?
I'm looking for where
you put your balls.
Are they in your files?
No, check your mouth.
Probably in your mouth again.
No, not in my mouth. They're not on
your body, I'll tell you that much.
Dude, you're burned out,
all right?
You need
to take a break.
Give yourself
a few hours.
Just drink some beers,
you know, see some 'tang!
Then you'll come back in
tomorrow morning a new man.
You'll knock the fucking lid
off these things!
Maybe, yeah.
So, um, who actually did
the pineapple placing
in Jason's buttocks?
Honey, it wasn't
the whole pineapple.
It was just the top with
the leaves sticking out.
Okay, but
who actually did it?
I don't know. I think we
drew straws or something
So did the winner get
to do it or the loser?
What are you doing?
Why are you asking me
this? Don't you get it?
By the end of the night,
I could be tied up
and gagged on a train
to Pittsburgh!
Either that or I could
wake up in an ice bath
without my kidney!
So then why don't
you just not drink?
Stay on guard all night so
nobody can do anything to you.
Not drink
at my own stag?
What are you, nuts?
You don't get it,
do you?
No, I don't get it.
I mean, I don't understand
why you can't just go
to a movie with your friends
for your stag.
Something really actiony
with someone like Brad Pitt.
What, are you crazy?
Oh, sorry! I'm crazy?
You're shoving a pineapple up
some guy's ass, and I'm crazy?
It wasn't the whole pineapple!
Don't you yell at me!
I would never shove
a pineapple-
It's impossible!
It's impossible
to shove
a pineapple
up a man's ass!
I said don't yell!
It was the-
'Cause it-
Forget it! Let's just
forget it, okay?
You know what,
if you're so worried,
why don't you ask
your dad or a friend
to keep their eye out
for danger?
I did.
I asked Carl.
Carl? What?
You asked Carl?
What's wrong with Carl?
That is the same question
all my friends ask
whenever they meet him.
"What the hell
is wrong with Carl?"
[ dramatic music playing ]
Take me
to the basement.
You were awesome
in Tiger Bait.
What did you say?
What'd you say?
Listen, Clark-
It's actually Carl.
Yeah, um,
you gonna be okay here?
You sure you can
handle this all right?
Hey, Gus, dude,
I'm an actor.
I can do this shit
standing on my head.
Okay, great.
But we did tell you
that Veronica likes to
keep to herself, right?
Oh, yeah, I know.
It's just Tiger Bait's
one of my all-time
favorite movies, so...
Have you seen
Tiger Bait?
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I've seen it, but,
um, I'm more concerned
about making
this movie right now,
so if you can't handle it
just let me know.
I can get
someone else here.
No, wouldn't want you
to go to all that trouble.
It's actually no trouble.
We just need to find someone
that can fit into that suit,
and then you're gone.
I'm good.
You're sure now?
Totally sure.
Okay, great, 'cause
if you fuck up again,
I will personally
drag you off this set
by your hair, okay?
All good! Yeah.
Oh, and, Clark?
Easy on the door,
All right,
let's pick that up.
Shutting the gate
too hard.
I work out, so-
GUS: Clark!
Well, that's everything.
But, Sarah, I just-
Oh, gosh, Henry,
Don't do this, okay?
These things,
they happen all the time,
and the best thing to do
is just to...
just to move on.
But I live here.
Yeah, okay,
you know what?
Don't worry.
It's gonna be okay.
I'm sure you're
gonna meet someone,
you know,
'cause you're just-
You're just a really...
nice guy.
RORY: You need
to come to this!
Okay, I'll go.
Yes! Yes!
Yes, you will!
Okay, fantastic.
I'm gonna need you
to pick up the stripper.
Whoa, what?
the stripper I hired,
she has no way
of getting there.
And? I need you to pick her up.
Why don't
you pick her up?
On my bike?
Oh, my God.
I don't have
a license, Luke.
Do you know why
I don't have a license?
Yes, I know, Rory. I'll tell
you why I don't have a license.
Because after my stag,
thanks to Ken,
I no longer have
a sense of depth perception,
and therefore am not allowed
behind the wheel of a car.
I get it, all right, but
that was four years ago,
and you
gotta get over it.
Oh! Oh!
Make no mistake,
I know exactly
how long ago it was,
and now the universe has
aligned itself to afford me
the opportunity
to show Ken
the same respect
that he showed me.
And I intend to. So if you
would please be so kind,
pretty fucking please,
pick up
the fucking stripper!
Okay, I will. But first,
I have to call my wife,
and I have to lie to her,
and that's something I'm
not comfortable doing, okay?
So if you'll excuse me...
That is fantastic.
Say hi for me.
Her name's Candy.
Seriously, I'm
picking up a Candy?
Here's the address.
Fucking depth perception.
Okay, this is the address
of the club she works at
during the day, okay?
Now I have to go.
I'm masterminding the prank
and assigning
tasks to the guys.
Speaking of which,
do you have any Viagra?
No, not on me.
Okay, well,
search continues.
Hey, sweetie, how are you?
Now, Candy's expecting
you to pick her up
at the strip club at 5:00
sharp, so don't be late, okay?
See you tonight?
Sweetie... Sorry. Hold on
for one more sec.
Excuse me, 5:00?
The stag is not until 7:00!
What am I gonna do
with a stripper
for two fuckin' hours?!
[ sighs ]
[ door opens,
indicator beeps ]
You okay?
Two years.
Ah, fuck her.
All women are
a pain in the ass.
Two years, Paul.
I know, I know,
it's shitty.
It's shitty.
Plus, I don't like it
when people fuck
with my friends.
Now let's just...
We'll go get drunk
before the stag, okay?
You'll feel better.
She's watching.
You think she's having second
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know,
but you know what?
You know what?
Now's your chance
to leave with pride.
Let her watch you leave.
Let her wonder
if she made the mistake.
Yeah. Pride.
[ ignition grinding ]
What the fuck
are you doing?
I don't know.
Aw, this is
fuckin' embarrassing.
I know.
"Park, Brights... "
Who's that?
[ ignition grinding ]
Aw, cripes.
That's him.
[ ignition grinding ]
Son of a-
He's pretty cool.
[ ignition grinding ]
I don't think she's
having second thoughts.
Not only are you fired,
the second he un-jams
this door,
I'm gonna wring
your fuckin' neck.
Hey, man, I said
I was sorry, okay?
I was just in character,
and I slammed it.
You're an extra!
You're a sack of meat that
happened to fit the damn jumpsuit!
Hey, man, I'm an actor.
I was just
in the moment, you know?
So sue me.
Oh, we're already
drawing up the paperwork.
Okay, so you can sue me.
Well, the spring
is busted.
The frame is jammed
into the concrete base.
So how long?
You know, they don't really
make them like this anymore.
I gotta get a guy
to come in from another
district, so if we-
How long?
At least three hours.
Oh, well that
is just great!
GUS: All right, guys,
uh, we'll be taking
a three-hour break.
Looks like, uh...
we're gonna be
working into the night
to make up
for lost time.
[ crew groaning
and complaining ]
[ cell phone rings ]
Hey, can someone just grab
my cell phone from my jacket?
[ rings ]
It's over there
in my jacket.
What the fuck man?
This is like the fifth message
I left for you.
I'm starting
to freak out over here.
I just need to make sure
that you're gonna be there
for me tonight, all right?
I'm counting on you.
Good night, Ken.
Oh, God! Aah!
Jesus, Mary,
what's the matter with you?
Are you okay?
You've been acting
really weird all day.
I need to talk to you.
No, no, no, no.
Yes, yes, yes.
I really do have to go.
Listen to me.
It is your job.
We've been working
together for a while now.
What's it been, two years?
Four years.
And you are
definitely qualified
to answer this question
because you know me.
Oh, I don't think I like
where this is going.
You have a tendency
to speak you mind a lot.
We both know this.
It's gotten you in trouble
quite a few times.
I really don't like
where this is going.
So I'm gonna ask you this,
and I want you to be
completely honest with me.
I need you to be
point blank, all right?
Am I a dick?
No, I'm-
That was the question.
I'm asking you.
Ken, you're a dick.
You're the kind of dick who
thinks he's a funny dick,
so he pulls
jackass dick pranks
on his friends
and coworkers
that really
only get laughs
out of the other dicks
in the office.
Well, that is until
those dicks are sitting
having their dick
lunch at the dick table
with their dick friends
shaking their dick heads
in amazement at what a bigger
dick you are than all of them.
So, yes, Ken,
you are a dick.
thank you very much.
[ upbeat music ]
Just come on
Here we go now
Come on, it's 5:00.
Oh, shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit.
LUKE: Oh, shit, shit!
Shit, shit!
WOMAN: Luke!
Shit, shit.
It's me, Marsha!
Hey, Marsha.
How are you?
We're just coming back
from Busy Bee.
You know, you guys have
to take Isabelle there.
It is so cathartic.
Yeah, well, you know what?
We will make a date.
I'll tell Liz,
and we'll all go.
So, good to see you.
Yeah, yeah.
Uh, what brings you
to this neck of the woods?
[ funk music ]
Shopping. Shopping.
For, uh, Liz.
Shopping for Liz,
because I love her so much.
That is
the sweetest thing ever.
Isn't it?
Hi. Are you Luke?
No. No!
No. Yes!
I'm Luke.
I'm not the Luke that she... Oh.
[ coughs ]
So celebrities read
those magazines, too, huh?
Totally cool.
You ever...
read any articles
about yourself in there?
Yeah, course,
you probably do.
That must be cool.
I'd love to be
in a magazine like that.
Love it.
Be awesome.
Oh, except, of course,
that whole thing
when you
went out and you didn't
have any underwear on.
They got
those pictures.
That sucked, but...
Ever since then,
I always make sure
I have underpants on
when I go out.
Okay, you know what?
Why don't you just
stay over there
on your side
of the elevator,
and I'll stay right here
on my side,
and we'll just be
as quiet as we can be
until the guy comes
to let us out, okay?
Yeah, totally.
Totally cool.
Should, um...
Should work on
my screenplay anyway.
Kinda my passion
right now.
Oh, my God.
[ blues music playing ]
LUKE: That is
when my dad walked in
and literally caught us
rolling the joints
in the moment, so...
[ laughing ]
Yeah, awkward.
That's hilarious.
How long ago was that?
Oh, jeez, um...
Wow. 17 years ago.
Oh, wow.
17 years ago.
I was 6
when that happened,
which is the same age
as your...
Same age
as my daughter.
I mean,
my dad's, you know-
He's usually pretty-
What are you doing?
Oh, I'm a bit
of a Web nerd.
So, you're married?
Happily married?
Yeah. Yes.
I mean, yeah.
I mean, every...
Every marriage goes
through a difficult period,
and you just
work through the...
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'm-I'm-I'm happily married.
Do you... ever play?
[ laughing ]
Oh, I should probably
get you downstairs,
you know, 'cause you
gotta get, um... Right.
Are you gonna
be warm enough?
when you're down there,
you think?
Aw, for fuck's sake,
People grow apart!
Besides, that guy's
nothing like you, right?
He's a total badass, and
you're a fuckin' sweetheart.
Yeah. God, I wish
I was more like you.
This tough-skinned guy that
never lets anything get to him.
Ah, I know.
What kind of woman wants a tough
guy, bad boy like that anyway?
Exactly. Pfft!
See the truck?
Piece of shit.
Tough on gas,
I bet.
Fuck it!
Let him have her, right?
You just need
to find somebody
who suits you,
that's all.
For who I am.
Or I could
become tough.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Like Jason Statham.
HENRY: Why not?
Why not?
Because you can't
just become tough, Henry.
You know,
you're just kinda...
You're born with it.
You have it, or you don't.
What you gotta do is just focus
all your fuckin' energy
on finding a woman
who loves you for you.
But who I am never gets
the woman he wants.
I should rethink
who I am.
Jesus, can we just
get fucking drunk, okay?
And drop all
this psycho mumbo jumbo.
What's with your chest?
I think I pulled
a muscle trying to lift
your fucking spirits all day.
Now let's get drunk!
Hang on. Hang on.
another question.
I should probably warn you
that these guys
can get a little wild.
I've been drinking with most
of them since high school,
and you know what?
A few of them can get a
little crazy. Just a heads up.
Am I safe?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
I mean, I think
you should be fine.
Don't worry about it.
I'll keep my eyes on you.
Ahem. I mean, not
when you're stripping.
I don't mean that
to be creepy at all.
Like, I'll wash your back.
Watch your back.
You're clean. I don't
need to wash your back.
I don't want the guys
to see me like this.
Say something nice.
Boost my spirits.
Your hair looks great.
Thank you.
Like a...
Like a sports guy.
Yes. See? Was that so hard? Let's go.
I'll see you
Oh, my God!
[ laughing ]
Oh, my God!
Let's tickle
this Wild Turkey!
Ah ha ha!
Oh... what's up?
Surprised the wife
let you out tonight.
Please, like I need to ask
permission to leave my home.
Did you tell her
you're working late?
you're out, eh?
Thought this guy'd be home
begging for a pity fuck.
[ laughing ]
See you guys downstairs.
Yeah. Yep, we'll
see you down there, Henry.
What's going on?
What'd I do?
Fucking guy got
dumped today.
Oh, my God, again?
Yeah. Poor fucker.
I've been listening to him
piss and moan all day.
Aw, jeez. Well...
who knows, I mean, maybe now he'll
finally realize the truth, huh?
The truth.
The truth about what?
Hello? He's gay.
What the fuck
are you talking about?
Henry's not gay.
Are you serious?
You've never thought-
No! No! I think
you're fucking gay
for thinking
that he's fucking gay!
That dude has been my best
friend since grade four, Luke!
Grade fucking four!
And as you know, I'm not a
big fuckin' fan of the homos!
Easy, okay. Homophobic.
Easy. I'm sorry, all
right? I just thought-
No, you didn't think.
That's the problem.
You didn't think.
Just 'cause the guy's got a
little bit of a pussy handicap,
that doesn't automatically
make him a faggot, you know.
Okay, all right,
I'm sorry, all right?
Let's go.
By the way, faggot?
Not so PC anymore.
One of the money,
two for the show
Three to get ready,
four for the dough
[ rap music playing
in bar ]
So, no sign of Ken
or Carl.
Hey, look, Henry,
I'm really sorry
about what I said upstairs,
all right?
So, can we just let that go,
bust loose tonight?
Hey, did you guys bring
the stencil?
No, we didn't.
God damn it!
Okay, what about the Viagra?
Oh, come on.
Okay, let me think.
Just like old times,
huh, boys?
Huh? Have some drinks,
get a little crazy,
maybe prank Ken,
and then we'll
definitely see some pussy!
Uncle Luke?
What are you...
I had a... I was just here
for a dinner up-
A business dinner
Yeah. Then I just came down
to use the bathroom.
So... yeah, these are
friends I ran into.
Yeah, it's good.
You're working here?
Well, that's good.
How's Mom? How's your mom?
[ upbeat music ]
KEN: [ whispering ]
Rory! Psst!
You seen Carl?
Hey, look! Ken's here!
[ cheering ]
Oh, hey!
LUKE: There he is!
The man taking
the death march, huh?
[ laughter ]
Holy shit.
Where's Carl?
Have you seen-Carl!
Look, People are gonna
be looking for me!
LUKE: No, no, no, like
you're walking down the aisle,
getting married.
You're taking
the death march, okay?
The death march?
Oh! [ laughing ]
Scared! Scared!
Shut up, okay?
'Cause I know why you guys
are here, all right?
I'm gonna tell
you something right now,
whatever you've concocted
to fuck me up,
it's not gonna work.
It's not gonna work!
'Cause I'm gonna be
on point like a sniper.
I am going to be...
You scared him.
sharp as a tack!
I want to talk
to you a second.
KEN: Whatever
you got planned, sorry!
I'm gonna bust
your bubble right now,
'cause you're not
gonna get me tonight.
It's not-It's not gonna
work out for you.
Look, Henry, you gotta
do me a favor, okay?
You gotta... You gotta
try to man up a bit.
What do you mean?
You know, just kind of
grow some fucking balls,
act a little tougher.
Yes! I need to toughen up so
that I can get more ladies,
and, you know,
the-the-the pussy
and stuff like that.
Why do you keep
rubbing your chest?
Is your shirt soft?
It is soft.
Just stick close
by me tonight, okay?
Watch what I do and try
to pretend to be tougher.
Yes! I should get
a shirt like yours.
Stop being so obsessed
with my fucking shirt!
Why are you so angry?
I'm not angry!
Angry. I know
when you're angry.
I'm not!
I know when something's
bothering you,
so just out with it.
Okay, okay.
But I swear to God, if you
say anything to anybody,
I will bite out
your fucking tongue
and I will spit it
right up your asshole.
Yeah, still sounds
angry though, but okay.
That's just how I talk.
Okay, last week I was running
to catch this bus, right? And...
I felt shit jiggle.
Oh, that's it.
Oh, Paul, um, that's what
happens when you get older.
I mean, stuff starts
to jiggle.
Henry, this is me.
I never used to give a shit
about any of that stuff.
I never cared how I looked.
Now I'm walking around
like half a faggot all the time,
worried about being out
of shape and out of breath,
and I get these fucking
pains in my chest!
Wait, what? What?
You have pains
in your chest?
Yeah, it's nothing.
I just-
I get this pain in the ass
pain in my chest.
I swear to God,
if you fucking tell anybody.
[ siren ]
It's gas.
[ laughter ]
You're fucking dead.
EMT: You're gonna want
to release that. Mm-hmm.
My advice, go home,
drink some ginger ale,
drop a couple
of Alka-Seltzer,
let nature do the rest.
You boys play safe.
Thank you. Sweet.
You're not
the stripper?
Can I get
my $20 back?
Man! Friggin'
writer's block!
Been working
on this screenplay
for, like, 11 years.
Stuck in this writer's
block for, like...
eight years.
You gotta be
fucking kidding me.
I'll tell you the part
I'm stuck at.
The, uh, hero dog,
he's a Bouvier,
takes off from his
owner's house, right?
And joins up with all
these neighborhood dogs
to go on an adventure.
So they're
in this alleyway,
and they find
this red wine,
then they go to this
crazy humping party, right?
So they're all,
like, doggy-wasted
and having
an amazing time,
and everyone thinks
that Barney-
Oh, that's
the Bouvier.
Barney the Bouvier.
Everyone thinks
he's, uh,
just, like, the coolest
doggy dude, right?
'Cause, well,
he scored the booze,
and, uh, he's just this,
like, good-looking beast.
So Barney's checking out
this hot poodle's ass, right?
When all of a sudden,
kicks the door in!
The dog catcher?
What do you mean?
Who came in
to get the dogs?
Oh, no, no.
It was Barney's owners
and their
little daughter.
So the owners come in, and
they slap the collar on him,
and they start
hauling him off, right?
And then it's, like,
cue dramatic music,
like "the emperor has
fallen" type stuff, right?
[ dramatic music ]
But the kid is happier
than shit now, right?
She's just draped
all over Barney
just hugging
and kissing him.
Barney's not cluing
into the kid, though.
He turns
to the hot poodle,
and just as he's leaving, he says,
"Being owned sucks. "
[ laughs ]
That's all I got.
[ laughing ]
[ rap music playing ]
Gas. Wow.
That's a relief, huh?
You're telling me
you're not relieved
it's not a heart attack?
It's gas, Henry.
It's fucking gas.
What do I look like,
a grandpa? Jesus.
And I keep gettin'
this heartburn.
Lately, I've been tryin'
to hide this bald spot,
and I got fuckin' man tits
that jiggle when I run.
I mean,
I'm 30-fucking-7.
I gotta say, pal,
it is refreshing
to see this side of you.
This... sensitive side.
Let's us all know
there's a big old heart
beating in that
burly chest of yours.
keep it down, okay?
And cut
that flowery shit out.
It is funny.
You know, here I am trying
to mend a broken heart.
[ sighs ] And you're worried
about yours breaking.
Okay, we gotta toughen
you up right fucking now!
Okay, yes! I'm game.
Here's the plan.
Okay, you see that
babe with Luke? Mm-hmm.
She's the stripper.
She's pretty.
She's been hired
to flirt with these losers
and give them boners,
so they'll buy more booze.
HENRY: Okay.
Go hit on her.
But-Wait, what?
No, she's-
She's a stripper.
It'll be like learning
how to pick up chicks
with training wheels.
[ laughs ]
So, just, uh,
hypothetically speaking,
if you were to have a
wild night of adultery...
what kind of a...
What kind of girl
would you be into?
No, no, I- [ laughs ]
PAUL: Hey!
Hey! Good. Hi.
Oh! Uh, sorry.
Paul, this is Candy,
and this is Henry, so...
Hey, Lukey,
can I talk to you?
Are you okay?
Whoops. [ laughs ]
Well, it's a pleasure
to make your acquaintance.
Thanks, it's nice
to meet you, too.
Ah! Well...
So, do you, uh...
come here often?
No. [ laughs ]
No, me, either.
So we got
that in common.
You're the oldest guy
in the group, right?
By, like, a month.
Well, still.
You ever, uh...
You ever think
about dying?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Totally. Yeah.
Especially, like,
ever since Isabelle was born.
Yeah, now we got
another one on the way.
Think about if anything
happened to me,
you know, who would
take care of them?
So you think it's...
it's normal.
It's a normal thing
to think about?
So, uh, how long
have you been in the arts?
Just so you know, private
dances are 60 bucks.
That's cool.
I mean... cool to me.
Does that include
a drink?
[ upbeat music ]
You're joking, right?
No, it's part of a prank
we're playing on the groom.
I don't think so.
I can pay you for it!
Isn't that something the
stripper should be doing?
Uh, I already asked her
and she passed.
Yeah. Sorry, it's
not my kinda thing.
What's not your thing?
Oh, hey, Ken!
It's not her-She's just-
It was just a very
complicated drink order.
Thank you, Pam.
That will be all for now.
Sometimes I have
trouble grabbing things.
Still having some
depth perception issues.
Okay, guys,
let's play some cards.
Yeah, let's do this!
I think you know most
of the people here.
Not sure
if you remember Randy.
No, I don't.
Hey, how you, uh...
Yeah, you actually
came to my stag
with a buddy of mine
a couple of years ago.
Oh, cool.
No, not really.
You guys got me drunk
till I passed out,
and then you superglued
some of
my fingers together
so all
I could do was this.
BOTH: Live long and prosper.
Yeah. [ laughing ]
That must have hurt.
More than you know.
My fiance realized
I couldn't slip
a wedding ring
on my finger,
so she postponed
the wedding.
I- I, uh...
I had no idea.
Then before we even
got to the altar,
she decided to sleep
with my best friend,
so the wedding
was called off.
You know, I remember
at my stag...
I was so enraged that I
confronted my ex-best friend,
and in a fury, beat the crap out of him.
I was arrested
for assault
and spent 6 months
in prison.
It was during
that time in jail
that my fingers
finally came unstuck.
At least your fingers
are normal again.
Unfortunately, too late
for me to defend myself
the nightly beatings
I took
from gang members.
Randy, I did
a terrible thing to you,
and for that, I'm sorry.
But you have to understand, I
had no idea
what the ramifications
would be.
I can only assume you're
here to fuck me up, right?
Hmm. The thought actually
never crossed my mind.
Why are you here then?
Dude, it's a stag.
Just here
to play some cards,
have some beer,
and relax.
I think.
RORY: All right,
lads, anti in!
Here we go
[ panting ]
How the fuck do you fail
at hitting on a stripper?
Are you
out of breath?
Shut the fuck up
and answer the question.
I didn't fail.
She's quite nice.
Very good listener.
I think I made a friend.
A friend? She's
a fucking stripper, Henry.
You don't need a friend.
You got a whole basement
full of friends over there.
What you need
is someone to bang!
What you need
is to reach down
and locate
your testosterone
and yank it the fuck up
so that people might
actually see that it exists!
You're right.
Something's gotta change,
and it's gotta change now.
You know, I'm sick
of the ladies loving me
like a brother!
Yeah! And if I can't score the snatch,
then I'm gonna enter the
world of manly men another way!
That's it!
That's my boy!
It's time
to kick some ass!
No. No, it's not.
No, it's not.
Paul? Outta my way,
or your head's gonna be
the first ass I kick.
Okay, go ahead.
Hold these,
'cause this
might get ugly.
[ straining ]
[ snoring ]
[ snoring ]
What'd you say to me?
you, troublemaker.
You lookin'
for some trouble?
I don't think so.
[ sighs ]
On your feet,
old man.
It's time someone
taught you a lesson,
you pathetic hobo.
Who you callin' old?
Ha ha! That's... ugh.
I must warn you, I am twice
your size and half your age,
and though these fists have never
touched the flesh of another man-
I was in the middle
of talking!
Aah! Ha ha ha!
Come on!
Let's go, bitch!
Jesus. It's like giving
spinach to Popeye.
So how long
were you dating?
[ hammer tapping ]
About eight months.
That's not that long.
Well, it was for me.
Although, I wouldn't
exactly call it dating.
[ drill whirring ]
How do you mean?
Well, I mean, we never really
went out and did anything.
It was pretty much,
you know, just the things
that the publicist
would arrange.
I don't understand.
Oh. It happens all the time.
It's like a thing.
You know, the studio
pays the publicist
to get two celebrities
to go out together,
and then they tell
the paparazzi
where you're going.
By the end of the night,
I have flashbulbs
popping off in my face,
and the studio has people
talking about their movie.
Hang on a sec.
Let me put this in terms
that I'll understand.
So a really rich guy-
let's call him John-
pays another guy-
let's call him pimp-
to take out a hot girl
for a night.
Let's call her...
Let's call her you.
And in the end, guys are
popping off in her face?
[ drill whirring ]
Ew! That's sick!
I've just about got it.
Just hang on, sweetheart.
We'll have you out
of there in a minute.
Just about there.
Oh, crap.
Now or never, Carl,
now or never.
Hey, can I talk to
you for a second? Hmm?
Listen, I know you're, like,
this huge Hollywood megastar,
who was so good
in Tiger Baiby the way.
And I'm at a point where I'm
questioning my career choices,
if not my life choices.
Okay, I'm rambling.
I was wondering if you-
Look, uh, Clark...
It's Carl.
You seem like
a really sweet guy. I-
Just let me finish.
It's just
that I'm single,
and I know
that you are, too,
and, uh, in a weird way,
we've already been
shacked up together
for a few hours, right?
Well, that's true.
I guess we survived.
Yes. We totally survived.
So maybe this is
all meant to be.
Maybe we could be...
meant to be.
[ drill whirring ]
Maybe when I
get out of the hospital...
MAN: Got it!
Okay, I'm out of time.
Will you go out
with me?
[ door clattering ]
[ cameras clicking,
photographers shouting ]
I'm sorry. I can't.
All right, here's a story
for you guys.
These pictures you're taking
will be the last ones
taken of Clark alive.
It's Carl.
[ dramatic music playing ]
to the basement.
I know this might
seem sort of strange,
but I actually
don't have long to live,
and I've
never been kissed...
Would it be too much
to ask you to kiss me?
[ music crescendos ]
You gotta be
fucking kidding me.
[ laughing ]
[ growls ]
You owe me
a fucking shirt!
Whoo! Oh, my God!
That was awesome!
[ dog barking ]
Weirdest fucking thing
I ever saw.
I- I feel so alive,
like I could do anything!
Know what? Me, too.
Look at this.
Look at this.
Pure adrenaline, right?
Fucking right.
Uhh! Ha ha!
I now know
I love fighting!
Technically, Henry, I don't
think that was fighting.
[ panting ]
[ laughing ]
Look here. Look at that.
Blood, huh?
It's barbeque sauce,
The fucking old man threw a
fucking chicken wing at you.
But I took it!
I fucking took it!
And listen
to my language!
I'm swearing like a fucking
sailor, for fuck's sake!
Not sure
I'm buying it, Henry.
What are you
talking about?
It's just not you.
You know what, Paul?
Fuck you.
Excuse me?
No, you heard me.
Fuck you, Paul.
Who died and made you
king of the cool guys?
I'm not the king
of anything, Henry.
I'm sick of it.
you just walk around,
you're so cool,
and nothing
ever bothers you.
How do I walk around?
"Oh, what if I have
a heart attack? Mm, uh.
Oh, what if I die?"
Well, what about you,
eh, Mr... Mr. Sweet Guy?
Mr. Understanding,
Mr. Compassionate,
giving his fucking heart
away all the time
and getting it broken and
then come crying to me?
You're always there for your
best friend in your tight jeans,
thinking everyone's
checking out your ass.
Well, what do you
want me to do?
You want me to be
all tucked in
and presentable
and perfect like you?
Maybe Luke
was right about you.
What does Luke
say about me?
No, what-
What did Luke say, Paul?
Didn't say nothin'.
Luke was just sayin',
you know, sometimes
him and some of the guys
think that maybe.
you might be...
What the fuck is
the matter with you?
What the fuck is
the matter with you?!
Huh? You-You can't-
[ lighthearted music ]
[ semi horn honks ]
You know, it's a good thing
nobody was thinking about
shaving my eyebrows off
or something like that,
that'd be fucked up.
You like the jeans?
Really easy to get off.
Really easy.
[ whistles ]
I'd look weird.
[ laughing ]
All of this,
none of this.
So if I'm drunk
and passed out
at the end of the night,
you know...
You put me
in a gorilla suit
and drop me off at my
office drunk and passed out.
Me with no eyebrows?
Come on.
I have a gorilla suit.
Okay, continue.
Look, it's all
I could find, all right?
It's called
maca or something.
The guy at the market said
it nourishes hormonal glands
and helps men
with natural production
of testosterone hormones
for energy,
and sexual enhancement.
That's so complicated.
I just want to
give Ken a boner.
Good night, huh?
It's the way
it should be.
No wife, no kids, just
hanging out with the guys.
We need
to get Ken to eat this.
What is that?
No time for questions!
Just get the waitress chick
to chop it
into his nachos
or boil it into his drink
or something.
Oh, okay, so you planned
it out real well. Good.
Look, there she is.
She's talking
to your stripper friend.
No, hey,
she's not my friend.
Okay? I just
picked her up.
I don't know about that.
You guys have been
kind of chummy lately.
I think she's diggin' you.
No. Yeah?
No! No!
Oh, my God, no one cares.
Just go.
Hey, Mark.
[ dance music playing ]
[ Candy and Pam laughing ]
Hey, ladies.
Hey, Uncle Luke,
we were just talking
about how
you know each other.
We don't
know each other.
I mean, you know.
Uh... like how does
anyone know anyone?
That kind of thing,
you know what I mean?
I know I need a drink.
Yeah. Cranberry juice
would be good.
'Cause I'm driving, so time to
I'm very responsible, okay?
Responsible and moral.
Can you also chop that up,
put it in a drink,
and, uh,
serve it to that guy?
I don't know
I could get in trouble.
Don't do it then.
I don't care.
Uh, what-
Was that maca?
I don't know.
No idea.
[ sighs ]
Well, I should,
uh, probably go
and slip
into this outfit.
Unless, um, of course, you
wanted to help me with it.
[ coughs ]
[ mutters indistinctly ]
I can't. Come on.
I mean, you can do it
on your own.
I don't think I...
Hey, uh, you got a second?
Yes, I do.
Yeah, for sure.
What's up?
I need to talk
to you in the bathroom.
Perfect, even better.
Okay. See ya.
[ giggles ]
Love that guy.
What's goin' on, guys?
Did you do it?
She gonna put
the thing in his thing?
I begged her, but I
don't know if she will.
What the fuck, Luke? There's
no margin for error here!
I want to thank you all
for coming out tonight.
I really appreciate it,
uh, but the purpose
of a stag is-
HENRY: Ooh! Ooh!
PAUL: Shut
the fuck up, Henry!
I'm going!
You're the dickhead
who got us kicked out
in the first place!
[ thud ]
This is exciting!
I feel like Spider-man!
Or Tom Cruise!
Okay, careful, careful.
I gotcha. I gotcha.
I gotcha.
Watch your back, watch
your back, watch your back!
[ giggling ]
Step, step!
Okay, okay, okay.
[ laughs ]
PAUL: Oh, fuck!
[ closes window ]
HENRY: That close.
Hey! What's with
the fucking sausage party
in the bathroom?
Yeah, where's
that stripper action?
Let's get this
fucking party started, eh?
Yeah, and play
some poker and football.
Who wants
to arm wrestle me!
Yeah, yeah!
where's that stripper?
Huh? Let's see some
fucking pussy, fellas!
Indeed! Let's see
some fucking fellas, pussy! What?
HENRY: What? PAUL: You said,
"Let's see some fellas. "
Yes, you did.
Really? That's...
the last thing we need.
PAUL: Yeah!
'Cause nobody here
is into dudes, right?
Not us!
That'd be funny!
[ laughing ]
All right, shut
the fuck up and listen!
For 10 years,
we've seen a bunch
of our friends get married
and say good-bye
to their freedom.
And all of them
have had a stag.
A great stag.
And part of the reason
why the stag was so awesome
was because I came up
with some clever-slash-fun prank
to pull on
the groom-to-be. True?
Yeah, it's true.
You're the King,
Gotta concede that.
Now it's my turn,
It's my turn to say
good-bye to my freedom
and life as I know it.
And I've
been freaking out
pretty much all day long
wondering what you guys
were gonna do to kick my ass.
And the guy
that I had counted on
to show up
and watch my back?
He didn't show.
And now I have
the distinct impression
that you guys have
nothing planned for me.
Not so fast, asshole!
I actually do have
some payback planned.
I think.
Or I did have some-
I did have some.
Yeah, yeah, we did,
but you know what?
Ran into a snag or two.
Wasn't me.
Well, I mean, you know,
not the easiest thing.
I mean, you know,
there's, you know,
a couple problems,
different stages to the-
PAUL: Some things just
kinda got in the way.
It actually
seemed kind of mean.
It's supposed to be mean!
What was the plan?
Oh, it was gonna
be amazing.
Okay, so first we were
gonna get you drunk,
and then
when you passed out-
Okay, I know how it starts.
Let's get to how it ends.
Well, then we were gonna
take your pants off.
And give you
a boner!
I wasn't gonna
give you the boner.
No, no, no, no, no!
I didn't think-
Stripper would
give you the boner.
I hate boners.
Well, wait a minute.
I thought we were gonna
give him Viagra.
I couldn't get Viagra.
My mom
keeps it locked up.
Your mom has Viagra?
Your mom has a penis?
No! Pfft!
My mom's boyfriend
has a penis.
Your mom
has a boyfriend?
Guys can we please
fucking focus?
Okay, so
once you had a boner,
we were gonna get the stripper
to write on it in indelible ink,
"Candy was here. "
And then when, you know,
it was all small and soft,
it would just look
like a little smudge.
Or a freckle.
PAUL: And then
when you and Caroline
started to,
you know, fool around.
Yeah, so then when it was
all big and engorged,
then she'd be able
to just clearly read it.
Yeah, I get it.
Guys, that's not half bad.
Why aren't we doing this?
Uh, who says
we're not?
Well, no boner pills.
And also Candy said
she wouldn't do it.
I talked to her.
Guys, wait!
[ panting ] Stop!
We can't do it.
Can't. 'Cause...
I Googled the effects of
indelible ink on the penis,
and it is not pretty.
Carl, you can relax.
We're not doing it.
Okay. I just ran
12 blocks.
Eh, it's probably
for the best.
I mean, that Caroline,
she is a sweet lady,
and she'd
get pretty upset.
PAUL: Yeah, and, you know,
we'd have to get you drunk,
and that usually costs
a lot of money,
and I'm kinda tight
these days, Ken.
You know what?
I mean, it wouldn't happen
till later on tonight,
and I've had a long day.
I've gotta
get going soon.
KEN: No, I get it guys.
Don't even worry about it.
I mean, if you're too busy
to disrespect me the way
I've disrespected you
in the past, that's fine.
I'll just, uh...
say good-bye
to my independence
over a couple
of uneventful beers
and a boring
cab ride home.
So we're cool then?
Thanks, man.
RORY: It's ain't over
until it's over, Ken!
It ain't over until-
Okay, guys wait up.
[ rock music playing ]
Paul, wait up.
Hey, can I see you in
the bathroom for a second?
I- Oh, come on.
[ men cheering ]
I'm gonna be honest.
I am not comfortable
helping you or watching
you get changed, so...
You know, I've been
watching you all night, Luke.
[ stammering ]
Uh, I-I-I am a...
I'm a married
happily man, so...
I mean, I'm a-
I'm a married
happily man.
And yet you're
in the ladies room
with a stripper
who's about to get undressed.
That's why
I'm leaving.
Oh, so you don't
find me attractive?
No. What?
Yeah, yeah, I just...
Why are you here?
In the bathroom?
No, the stag.
Why am I at the stag?
'Cause it's a stag!
Hang out
with the boys, right?
Get rid of stress
from the job,
the stupid fucking job.
The toilet job?
Yes, the toilet job,
where every day, I deal with
rejection after rejection,
and then I go home to a stack
of bills and a messy house
and a kid who-
who I love.
I love her. Love
my daughter so much.
She's my princess, but she
doesn't shut the fuck up!
And now we got
another one on the way?
You know, all I want
once in a while
is a little intimacy
with my wife. That's it.
But she's
not in the mood.
She's never in the mood!
So I go down
to the TV room,
and I zone out
till I fall asleep,
and then I wake up,
and I do the whole fucking
thing all over again.
That's why
I'm at the stag.
And you thought
committing adultery would...
make that better?
No. I would never
cheat on my wife, okay?
I never have,
I never will.
Well, then why the offer
to help me get changed?
You asked me to come in.
Ugh! Jesus, Luke,
you know what?
You are really
screwing things up here!
Yeah. Okay, look,
I have a confession
to make.
I'm not
just a stripper.
Oh, my God,
you're a hooker!
A hooker?
Do I look like
a hooker to you, Luke?
You-[ sighs ]
I don't know
how to answer that.
I'm a blogger, Luke,
I write a blog.
You've been writing
about us on the internet?
My "Manopause" followers
are gonna have
a tough time with you.
what is "Manopause?"
- it's a term I use for male menopause.
Guys like you that are
going through a midlife crisis.
Guys like me?
You don't even know me.
I'm not going through
a midlife crisis.
Well, you're
a middle-aged man
who may very well be one of
the oldest guys at this party...
[ scoffs ] What?
and you've got a wife
at home that you love so much
you're willing
to give up any career dreams
that you may have
in order to provide her
with some sense
of security.
And despite the fact that
you are riddled with guilt,
you lied to her so
you could abandon the weight
of your responsibilities
and spend a few hours
with your male friends
reliving what you see
as happier days gone by
and a chance to see a
young woman partially naked.
Odds are you're questioning
your life choices,
and there's a 42% chance
that you are or will
consider a divorce.
So you're only getting
partially naked.
Hey, gentlemen,
grab a chair!
Hey, I'm Randy.
RORY: Hey, Ken,
your beer's
looking a little empty there.
You need a re-up?
No, I'm good, man.
Look, Randy,
Ken's beer's empty.
I'm gonna grab him
a nice, fresh mug o' beer.
So, Carl,
what do you do?
I do background work.
You ever rubbed elbows
with any celebrities?
I did technically rub elbows
with Sean Penn once
in a rugby scrum.
Hey, I think I saw
that movie.
Um, what was it
called again?
Scrum of the Earth?
Yeah, right.
Yeah, yeah.
This is fun.
PAUL: Yeah!
Let's play some
fucking man poker!
Okay, here we go, boys.
Beer! Yeah!
RANDY: I loved
Scrum of the Earth.
It's cool
you were in that.
In it?
He had, like,
Sean's Penn's nut sack
just inches from his face.
Could somebody please deal?
Wasn't his nut sack.
It was his character's
nut sack.
Oh, that's
still awesome.
I guess.
KEN: Hey, Ken,
how was your stag?
My stag?
It was fucking amazing.
We sat around
a poker table all night
and talked
about Sean Penn's penis.
So what was it like?
Soft and warm,
I guess.
RANDY: No, no, not his...
not his nut sack.
What was it like
working with Sean Penn?
I don't know, we...
kept our distance,
I guess.
RANDY: Oh, yeah,
professional courtesy.
You guys can't be
gawking over each other
like regular folk, huh?
No, that wouldn't
be cool.
I can't believe
what I'm looking at.
But you know what,
this doesn't
all sound like me.
Read farther down.
of a mid-life crisis include
the deep sense of remorse
for missed opportunities. "
"The desire to achieve
a feeling of youthfulness. "
"The search of an undefined
dream or goal. "
Well, how am I supposed
to know what that is?
That's what
undefined means.
Look, don't drive yourself
nuts over this, okay?
I was just making
an observation.
All right, you know
what guys? I fold.
The stag party
has officially began!
The stripper's here!
Time to get titties
on the forehead!
I did background work
on Titties On My Forehead
with Ice-T.
So, Carl, what was
Veronica Simpson like?
Mmm, yeah! CARL: She was, uh...
She was nice,
Okay, great,
but what was she like?
I mean,
was she smoking hot, or...?
Yeah, she's, um...
She's really pretty.
[ Paul laughing ]
And, uh...
Least, she seems nice.
That's nice.
That's good to hear.
Nice? Like she'd
give you the time of day.
[ laughter ]
She was great
in Tiger Bait.
She's got
a great ass, though.
Oh, she really does!
I would tap that
in a heartbeat.
Okay, guys,
that's not really...
I bet she'd be a pretty
good fucking lay.
Yeah, for sure,
she would be.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I mean, I'd...
I, for one,
would love to,
you know, really lay...
lay her.
She's an actor. How do you
know she's not faking it?
She wouldn't be
faking it with me.
[ laughing ]
Yeah, me, too.
Okay, guys, come on.
But she's an actor, right?
Yeah, sometimes
they're just show
and no substance.
Hey, that's not
she's got a great ass.
Great rack, too.
Oh, that's it!
We get Ken implants!
Let's just
play poker, okay?
You're all talking smack about
a person you never even met.
So let's forget
about Veronica Simpson
and just play
mindless poker
with mindless friends,
all right?
Okay, Carl.
RANDY: Sorry, Carl.
Mr. Cranky over here.
You having a rough day?
You have no idea.
Whoa, whoa, hey.
You're not playing again,
are you?
Yeah, why the fuck not?
Trying to help you look after
your money, that's all.
That's all right.
I mean, it's okay
for you to play,
it's just you need
to know your limit.
You're right, I know.
You're right.
Okay. I'm proud of you.
PAUL: How much do
you think I should spend?
Well, I don't know
I mean,
are you comfortable
with, say, $10?
$10 is good, yeah.
Let's just have a look
and see how much you got left.
What the fuck
is wrong with you two?
BOTH: What the fuck
is wrong with you?
Play the fucking game!
Shut up! No, you're the fucking homo!
Oh, you're so gay!
You're totally gay!
Can we play more than one
round of fucking poker here?
[ rap music playing ]
[ cell phone rings ]
[ rings ]
[ rings ]
[ rings ]
Hi, Daddy!
Isabelle. Hi, sweetie,
how are you?
Hey, Daddy, guess what?
I did a perfect cartwheel
at gymnastics tonight!
You did? That's great.
You must be so happy.
I'm super happy.
I wish you
could have seen it.
I wish I could have
seen it, too, sweetie.
I should have been there.
I'm sorry.
That's okay, Daddy.
I know you have to stay
and do your work.
And Mommy videotaped it for you
so you can watch it later.
She did?
That's great.
Is work going okay,
Hey, Isabelle, I should
probably get going, okay?
Okay. Will you come tuck
me in when you get home
and give me a kiss?
Of course.
You want to talk
to Mommy?
No, no, no!
No. No, no, no, no, no!
Just tell Mommy
that I am,
you know, gonna
be home soon, okay?
Okay. Love you, Daddy.
I love you, too, pal.
He didn't want
to talk to me?
[ men shouting ]
Hey, Candy.
Hey, buddy, fuck off.
Just relax, buddy.
What's up, Luke?
Not me.
Get lost, buddy.
Look, you were
totally right
about the whole
mid-life crisis thing.
Weird, huh?
Not really, no.
Well, anyway, I found out
what my undefined dream is.
You did?
so thank you.
I'm gonna take off.
[ chanting ]
Peeler! Peeler! Peeler!
Peeler! Peeler!
Peeler! Peeler!
Peeler! Peeler!
Guess that's my cue
for the group show.
Damn! That's the worst
$60 I ever spent!
Candy, you know what?
I mean,
you can skip this.
You know,
you don't have to do it.
I mean, you have so many
followers on your blog,
like, why don't you just
be a regular writer?
But I am
a regular writer.
I'm not a victim
here, Luke.
I can assure you that there is a
great sense of power and control
that comes when you're
totally exposed to someone,
and yet in absolute
control over them.
Also makes it dead simple
to get into their psyche.
You ever see the look
on a little kid's face
when they've been
watching TV for too long?
Like taking candy
from a baby.
[ snapping ]
Holy shit.
It was nice
meeting you, Luke.
[ wolf whistle ]
[ hip-hop song begins ]
Here we go.
All right, yeah!
Oh, my God!
That is what
I'm talking about!
[ cheers and shouts ]
What are you, uh...
What are you doing?
I thought
you were leaving.
Yeah, I just-
I got-Yeah.
But I have a couple
of minutes, so...
[ laughs ]
[ cheering ]
Take the titties out!
[ cheering ]
Hey! That's Candy!
That was great!
Oh, thank you
so much. Okay.
Round of applause
for Candy,
and we'll see her
next time.
Hey, uh, what the fuck
are you doing?
She didn't even
start yet!
Well, use
your imagination.
It was
starting to...
What are you
really doing?
Hmm? Oh.
Well, you told me
to watch your back,
and I just feel like things are
getting out of control, okay?
Guys, look it,
I don't think
we need a dancer
here tonight.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yes, we fucking do!
Have you lost
your fucking mind?
Yeah, we really do need some
guys stuff right now, Luke!
You don't have
to do this.
Yes, I do, okay?
Guys, let me explain.
Give me a second.
We are grown,
mature men.
Get him!
[ shouting ]
No, no, no!
Wait! Wait! Wait!
Just a minute, okay?
I, uh... I came here to dance
for you guys,
so that's
what I'm gonna do.
ALL: Yeah!
But first, I need
to come clean.
My name isn't Candy.
It's Margaret.
Yeah, okay, Candy,
Margaret, whatever!
Take the titties out!
And I'm actually
not just a stripper.
I'm a writer.
And I've been secretly using
all of you in a giant case study.
So even though the mood
has been killed,
and it's not something
I want to do right now,
I'm gonna strip
for you.
But you need to be
aware that you are,
in a sense,
all guinea pigs
being used in
a massive case study
that will
essentially reflect
how the male species
is perceived.
she's gonna strip!
[ cheering ]
[ music playing ]
[ wild cheering ]
[ groaning ]
What are you doing?
What are you doing?!
She's right.
KEN: [ whispering ]
What the fuck are you doing?
She's a person.
Her name is Margaret.
She has a mom and a dad
and brothers and sisters.
Look, she's more
than just nice boobs
and gyrating hips.
My whole life, I've been
looked at like an object,
and not in a good way.
Been looked
at like something
that's worthless
and replaceable.
Nobody gives a crap
about who I am.
Oh, my God.
That feels like shit.
Then I met
this great girl, and...
This is officially the
worst stag party ever.
And I treated her
the same way,
so I learned my lesson.
you're free to go.
Not so fast,
See, I personally don't give
a shit about your name
or your blog.
And, Carl,
I don't give a shit
about your sad-sack
fucking story.
What I do give a shit
about is seeing
those beautiful tits
on my friend Kenny's head.
Right, Henry?
PAUL: Henry?
[ crying ] It's just
a heartbreaking story.
Oh, fuck this, Carl!
Get off the stage!
There is a stripper here
who need to get to work!
Over my dead body.
Mine, too.
That is not gonna
be a fucking problem.
[ men shouting ]
[ grunts ]
[ crash ]
MEN: Ohh!
What was that?
Christ, Henry,
what are you doing?
Are you all right?
HENRY: Oh, I landed
on my wallet!
All right, that's it. Party's over.
Party's over?
What do you mean, party-
It's 9:00.
Finish your drinks and
get the fuck out of my bar!
Why are you
cursing at me? I'm-
I'm the dude
paying you!
This is awesome.
Man, I so wanted
to burn your ass.
I wanted you
to burn my ass.
Rory, let me ask
you something, man.
For years, you've been carrying
this chip on your shoulder
from me ruining
your perception thing, right?
Very much so.
Weren't you the guy
that we painted
a gigantic face
on his body
to make his pecker
look like his tongue?
How does that cause
a mental problem?
My fiance had
been suffering
from low self-esteem
issues in the bedroom.
When she walked in and saw
me laying there with "it"
sticking its tongue
out at her,
she was so hurt
she couldn't bring herself
to touch it anymore.
So I was exiled to
an island of self-pleasure.
One day, she came into
the bathroom unannounced,
and I fell backward into
the tub and smacked my head.
Ever since then,
I've had this condition.
That's weird.
Is it permanent?
The doctors say
it'll take a few years,
but it'll
eventually go away.
What about your wife?
Oh. [ laughs ]
We, uh...
We've been going
to this sex therapist.
Oh, nice.
Yeah, and, um...
[ laughing ]
You know, ever since then,
she's been like an animal.
Okay. Like a wildebeest
or like a jackalope.
Yeah. She just wants it
all the time.
Whoa. That's great!
Well, only problem is,
you know, with the whole
depth, perception thing,
I keep trying
to dock the boat
in the wrong slip.
Keep trying to put
my penis in her bum.
Yeah, I got it.
That's not a metaphor.
I'm gonna
head out, pal.
Of course, you are.
I mean,
why would you stay?
You okay?
Oh, I'm fine.
I'm fucking awesome.
When people look
back at this event,
you know
what they'll say?
Nothing, okay?
They won't say
a damn thing!
There'll be no memories,
no tales,
no legacy,
just a guy
whose best friends
don't care about him
enough to abuse him
[ shouting ]
at his own stag!
You okay?
Yeah, yeah.
Feel like a bit
of an idiot, though.
No, no, no.
That was brave, Henry.
Poorly executed,
but brave.
Like Jason Statham?
Look, about what
happened earlier
in the, uh, alley.
Yeah. Uh, that.
Um, well, you know, uh...
the fucked-up thing is...
I didn't hate it.
It was weird.
Yeah, it was weird.
Fuckin' weird, but...
You know,
we'll work that out.
Yeah, yeah.
we'll work that out.
We'll work it out,
look, keep this
on the fucking downlow, right?
Yeah, like,
way... fucking low.
Down there.
All right, let's go
hang with these monkeys
and get the fuck
out of here.
All right.
Uh, you got stuff-
Don't fucking
touch me!
There's just schmutz
on your...
I am so sorry
about the mess.
It's no problem.
I've seen a lot worse.
Those guys
can be pigs, you know?
Some of them.
Hey, Pam,
let's say, uh, we're
at a family gathering.
You know, you're there,
and my wife is there.
I mean, you're not the kind
of person that would talk
about work when you're
with family anyway, right?
I'll make you a deal,
Uncle Luke.
I will never
talk about this night
in the presence
of our family,
if you promise never
to say the word "pussy"
in front of me again.
I didn't.
Did I say pu-
Did I say that?
I will-I will-
I will
not do that again.
I'm surprised
I even said it.
Probably wasn't me.
But I'll tell the guys
not to do it.
All right, guys,
I'm gonna get going.
See you, Randy.
Ah, well...
Did I say "pussy"
earlier out loud?
Hey, Ken, look, I'm sorry
that you didn't have a-
No, no, no, I get it.
I'm a dick.
I'm a dick.
It's time to stop
with all of this
idiotic behavior
and childish pranks
and settle down.
I even know how awesome
Caroline is for me
and how perfect
we are together.
I just wanted one last night,
though, you know?
One last night.
I wanted to celebrate.
I wanted to wear
a stripper's boobs
on my head
like a sailor hat.
I'll settle for beers
with my best friends
and the two gay guys.
Oh... my... God.
I'll mention
the great ass thing.
Uh, how did you-
You told
the wardrobe girl
that you had a special
gala to attend here?
Oh, I did?
And the make-up girl
and the guy
at craft services.
And I said gala?
So why are you here?
I don't know. Um...
I guess I wanted
to tell you
that you really bug
the shit out of me.
message delivered.
Thank you
for coming by.
But after that
horrible experience,
I guess you maybe bugged
me a little bit less.
I did?
Yeah, and then that other guy
came in to finish the scene,
and we had
the whole kiss thing.
I didn't notice.
And I realized that you
were the guy in the cage
the whole time putting
up with my psychotic-ness.
And, well, it just
didn't really seem fair,
so I came
to bring you this.
[ whispering ] And I wasn't
in character just then.
That was really me.
The beer here is awesome.
So if don't mind hiding
your face from the paparazzi,
I have a car
waiting outside,
I was thinking maybe we
could grab a late dinner.
I mean,
blood-sucking pricks.
I have a way out.
I think
they won't see you.
Hey, would you mind
staying here for a drink?
I have a favor
I want to ask you.
[ song begins ]
Sittin' where the stage
is stayin' blue
Chase around
the soul right out of you
And everything else
Just got in my way
And time was talk
Would make it all true
Out jumps a bee
right through my skin
Each and every time
that you breathe in
Hey, sweetie.
Good morning, Daddy.
Come here.
Wake myself up
Man comes around
Clawed up all the sin
What's all this?
Clawed up all the sin
Hey, what do you say we go
upstairs and wake up Mom,
and then we go out for a
nice, big pancake breakfast?
But first, can you tell me
what it was like
to do
a perfect cartwheel?
Well, first over here
is where my teacher
called my name,
and I was
kinda nervous.
Mmm, morning, sweetie.
How ya feeling?
I'm feeling
pretty rough.
Well, it's no wonder.
You were really drunk
when they dropped you off
on our front lawn last night.
And what time was that?
3 A.M.?
So you had fun?
It was all right.
Why, nobody stuck
a pineapple up your ass?
No, nobody did nothin'.
Yeah, you should
come over here
and look at this,
uh, scumbag.
Why I gotta be
a scumbag?
That is awesome, baby!
Look at that!
I'm the scumbag grabbing
Veronica Simpson's titty!
Go on, scumbag!
Scumbag number one.
It's time
for your eTalk update.
Well, it looks
like Veronica Simpson
isn't the only one
with her hands full these days.
Last night,
the star took a break
from her hectic
filming schedule
to drop into
a local stag party,
and was greeted
by a few onlookers
and one groper!
The man with the hands
was rushed out of the bar
before police arrived,
but has been identified
as Ken Andrews.
A warrant has been
issued for his arrest,
and Miss Simpson is planning
on pressing charges.
Rumor has it
Veronica was there
visiting a new love interest.
[ upbeat music,
camera clicking ]
[ camera clicking ]
[ baby crying ]
[ glass shatters ]
[ camera clicking ]
When I walk in a room and I
Hear a beat that I'm feelin',
it makes me high
Wanna stay in the groove
till the morning time
Wanna put my hands up
in the sky
Any day of the week,
I love to jam
Doesn't matter what part
of the world I'm in
Want to have a good time
when I'm with my friends
When the music is bumpin',
it never ends
Ever since I was just a kid
Had rhythm in my feet
everything I did
Everybody all around me
hit the floor
Just lovin' them beats
more and more
I love seein'
when they shake it around
How they move them hips
all up and down
From side to side
all ready to rock
With a lowdown bass line
deep inside
Roll your belly
to the left and the right
Roll your belly
till the end of the night
Roll your belly
till we're all in trance
Come on, baby, now,
Roll your belly
to the left and the right
Roll your belly
till the end of the night
Roll your belly
till we're all in trance
Come on, baby, now,
[ singing
in foreign language ]
Roll your belly
to the left and the right
Roll your belly
till the end of the night
Roll your belly
till we're all in trance
Come on, baby, now,
Roll your belly
to the left and the right
Roll your belly
till the end of the night
Roll your belly
till we're all in trance
Come on, baby, now,
[ song ends ]
So call the shots
Girls are crazy,
girls are naughty
Girls, they make me
move my body
Girls are happy,
girls are sweet
Girls, they make me
move my feet
Girls, they love
to make me trade
Make me hollah,
but she fakin'
Girls, they
like to buy me clothes
Take me dancin',
[ sniffs ] my nose
Girls, they
like to make me dance
Take me out
and take a chance
Take me out
and show me off
Smoke me up
and make me cough
Take me out
to the back of the club
V.I.P., a private rub
they like to take my hand
Girls, they like
to meet the band
Girls in Europe, U.S.A.
Girls in China all the way
In the East and in the West
Girls are
lovin' you the best
In the north
and in the south
In my hand
and in your mouth
In the night, in the day
Girls are comin'
round my way
Girls are crazy,
girls are naughty
Girls, they make me
move my body
Girls are happy,
girls are sweet
Girls, they make me
move my feet
Girls, they love
to make me trade
Make me hollah,
but she fakin'
Girls, they like
to buy me clothes
Take me dancin',
[ sniffs ] my nose
Girls are crazy,
girls are naughty
Girls, they make me
move my body
Girls are happy,
girls are sweet
Girls, they make me
move my feet
Girls, they love
to make me trade
Make me hollah,
but she fakin'
Girls, they like
to buy me clothes
Take me dancin',
my nose
I love the girls
I love them crazy girls
Crazy, crazy
I love them girls
I love my crazy girls
Crazy, crazy
I love them girls
Girls are thirsty,
girls are sweatin'
Girls are wantin',
girls are gettin'
Girls are needin',
girls are takin'
Girls are cheatin',
then they fakin'
Girls are hatin' other girls
take over the world
Girls are
what we gotta save
Girls are
always what I crave
I like my girls
Girls are crazy,
girls are naughty
Girls, they make me
move my body
Girls are happy,
girls are sweet
Girls, they make me
move my feet
Girls, they love
to make me trade
Make me hollah,
but she fakin'
Girls, they like
to buy me clothes
Take me dancin',
[ sniffs ] my nose
Girls are crazy,
girls are naughty
Girls, they make me
move my body
Girls are happy,
girls are sweet
Girls, they make me
move my feet
Girls, they love
to make me trade
Make me hollah,
but she fakin'
Girls, they like
to buy me clothes
Take me dancin',
[ sniffs ] my nose
Crazy, crazy, crazy
Take me dancin',
[ sniffs ] my nose
Crazy, Crazy
Crazy, crazy, crazy
I love them girls
I love them girls