Stan Helsing (2009) Movie Script
No! Ahh!
This place has got
great surround sound, man.
Schlockbuster.
Happy Halloween.
Yeah yeah yeah,
we carry porn.
What do I recommend?
"Schindler's Fist,"
"How Stella Got
Her Tube Packed,"
"Six Degrees of Penetration."
That's a good one.
"Glad He Ate Her."
Yeah yeah. Okay.
- Stan?
- You're welcome, Grandma.
Stan?
There's a cockroach in the ladies' room.
It's your turn to kill it.
Dude, come on,
you know my motto:
There's always someone
better for the job.
- Now!
- I'm off in 10 minutes.
Can't you have somebody
from the late shift do it?
No. I'm the manager and I say
you have to do it.
I got bongs older than you.
Well, I'm still the boss,
and I say you have to do it.
Don't make me write you up.
Here, you're gonna need it.
It's funny, I watched "The Notebook"
last night and I actually liked it.
You watched "The Notebook"
and you liked it?
Yeah. I'm actually thinking about
watching "Titanic" tonight too.
Stick it in me!
This "Blair Witch Project"
is some scary shit.
Oh, no, someone rearrangin'
rocks again.
See, this is why black people
don't go camping.
Why does that bitch gotta keep shining
that light up her dripping nose?
Run, bitch, run!
Damn.
Thanks for scaring
the shit out of us.
We would have let you join in.
Oh.
I cockblocked myself.
Ahh, too many Peanut Chews!
Oh, cock...
roach.
Sorry, uh, dude,
I thought this was available,
but it's okay.
I don't actually need it,
'cause I just pissed myself.
You look tense.
Uh, you need a magazine?
Toilet paper?
Let me get you a magazine.
Ah, I see you're a fan of
the Kobe Bryant position.
Oh.
What the... oh!
Hey, Sully, we're out of paper towels
in the ladies' room.
And these little puppies...
these lady diaper things
are super absorbent.
I'm gonna start doing
my dishes with those.
You gotta call somebody
about the cockroach in the bathroom.
Ask for a truck.
A very big truck.
Anyways, you're gonna need this.
- What's that?
- It's the videos
that you promised the owner
that you'd deliver to his mother.
Dude, no.
I got my friends right
outside waiting for me.
We're going to the coolest
Halloween party ever, okay?
- Can someone else do it?
- No, you promised.
And if you want to have a job here on
Monday, I would suggest that you do it.
No.
- What?
- No.
- I'm sorry?
- No!
Stan, this is my date, Mia.
- Well hello, Mia.
- Hi.
- Why did you come as a cowboy?
- What?
I told you I was gonna
come as an Indian.
Now people are gonna think
that we're together.
Well, I think the correct term
is Native American.
And you look like Bret Michaels.
- Oh, yeah?
- Not a good look.
Hey! Whoa!
God, I forgot, okay?
- Yeah, right.
- I did, I swear.
I didn't know you were
gonna wear that.
I think you guys look cute together.
- See?
- That's the problem.
Because we're not
together anymore.
- So, Mia?
- Hmm?
- What do you do?
- I used to be an exotic dancer,
but now I'm a massage therapist.
Oh, isn't that like
the same thing?
No. One you dance naked
and the other you
whack people off.
I just got a music gig.
A music gig?
Karaoke doesn't count as a music gig.
All right, Nadine, chill out.
I'll have us to the party
in, like, 10 minutes
and then you guys can separate.
Hey, can we make a quick stop
before we go to the party?
What stop?
I gotta drop off these videos
at my boss's mom's house.
Where's she live?
Linwood.
What?
- Isn't the party downtown?
- Quick detour.
In the complete opposite direction.
It's not even close to
being close by.
Come on, T!
Highway driving, man.
We'll get there in no time.
No way. No.
All right. But if I can't drop off
these videos, I'm gonna lose my job
and then I won't be able to pay
you guys the money I owe you...
both of you.
So, whatever.
If you don't want your money.
Okay.
His scent leads to this store.
But remember, I get the first taste
of his raw flesh.
- Why...
- It's not worth it.
Not worth it!
Come on.
Nice costume.
You're, like, the third one tonight.
Can I help you?
I'm looking for a Mr. Helsing.
You should watch this one.
It's super tight.
Um, can you hold her for a minute for me?
I just need to get my wallet out.
Thank you.
Is there anything else
I can help you with?
Uh...
I'll have a box of
the Hot Tamales then.
Man, I knew it was too good to be true.
We're bumper to bumper over here.
It's probably a traffic jam.
Oh, snap, Teddy.
MILF alert, 3:00.
Ooh. Hello hello.
Ahh.
- You're so gross.
- What?
What?
"Oh oh, Teddy.
Teddy, there's a MILF alert,
You think I don't know
what that means?
What's a milk alert?
I can't believe I ever even
went out with you.
- The best six weeks of your life.
- It was two weeks.
Yeah, but I was doing you in
my mind for the other four.
Aww.
That's so sweet.
No. No.
Ahh!
- Did you guys see that?
- What, another MILF?
No!
In the MILF's van.
That doll mimed a blowjob
and started smacking his ass.
- That's so weird.
- No no no no.
That's not weird at all.
It's... you know, it's a MILF
driving a car with a doll
that's miming a blowjob
and spanking his ass.
Yeah yeah.
Sounds perfectly normal.
My brother said I used to give
his GI Joe doll a boner.
- Oh!
- Okay,
you probably want to keep that
to yourself.
You know what?
Forget I even said it.
Oh, no.
We won't be forgetting that one.
Nope, it went right...
right up here.
Well, there's plenty of
room for that there.
In Stan's defense, there is a phenomenon
called an urban mirage.
Forget it, dude.
You do not have to defend me.
I'm just saying, people get stressed out
in urban settings. It happens.
I saw what I saw.
- Shit.
- What?
- Did another doll just moon you?
- No, we missed our exit.
- Why aren't you paying attention?
- Dude, that doll freaked me out!
It's all right. Just take the next exit.
I know how to get there
taking the back roads.
Ooh, I've heard that before.
All right, which way?
Uh, straight.
It would help if there were
some fucking street signs.
Whoa!
Did you see that?
Yeah, I saw it.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Me too.
And I'm a vegetarian.
Uh, he's slowing down.
I think he's trying to box us in.
Teddy, she's right.
Go around him.
All right, hang on.
- Teddy, you gotta speed up.
- I'm flooring it!
- Whoa!
- What the hell is driving that truck?
Looks like a purse
I bought in Tijuana.
Oh, great, now he's speeding up.
- Almost.
- Oh my God. Oh my God.
- Teddy, drop back!
- I can't. It's too late. I gotta pass!
There's another semi coming!
- Are we dead?
- No. But we should be.
Teddy, that was awesome, man.
You should be a stunt-car driver.
I wanted to be a stuntman, but a little thing
called law school got in the way.
What do we do now?
We do nothing.
My motto is don't get involved.
I thought you said you knew how
to get us back on the highway.
Why don't we just knock on the door
of one of these houses out here?
Wrong answer.
Ever seen a little movie
called "The Hills Have Eyes"?
This whole place is crawling
with flesh-eating inbreds.
Okay, sister?
I say we just chill...
and enjoy the drive.
What are you doing?
Medicating myself, man.
That was a really stressful
situation back there.
I need to settle the nerves.
Okay.
Man, what are you doing?
Huh?
Okay.
Just make sure nobody
burns the upholstery.
Isn't it smoky in here?
I feel, like, really baked.
Mm-hmm.
What the hell was in that shit?
Special recipe.
It's a really cool Thai stick and
I dip it in liquid X,
and then I grind it
into the weed,
and then I roll it into the joint.
Man, you're like
the Rachael Ray of weed.
Rachael Ray!
- I feel numb all over.
- Yeah.
What are you doing?
I'm just working on some
acupressure points.
Whoa!
Sorry.
This van just went from an automatic
to a stick shift. Teddy got a boner.
- Do you have any more?
- You should try.
Whoa!
What the hell was that?
It looked like a baby bear.
- Where are you going?
- To see if it's all right.
Are you insane?
If that's a baby bear,
then there's a mama bear out there
wanting to kick some ass.
Look, I am a medical professional.
I took an oath.
Massage ain't medicine!
We can't let her go out there alone.
Okay, fine,
I'll go out there.
Wait.
Teddy, you probably
should go out there.
No, I'm not going.
We both go.
They're gonna call us pussies
if we don't go.
Wait a minute. Okay.
Oh, boy.
It... it's a dog.
I think it's a Rottweiler.
He's hurt bad.
I don't think he's gonna make it.
Hey hey, here's comes a pickup truck.
Oh, that's good.
We can maybe flag him down and
then he can take the dog to a vet.
Yo! Hey!
Hey, how you doing?
Uh, listen, we hit this dog...
Well, we... we didn't hit the dog!
What?
There's a dog there.
We are citizens.
So we see it and stop.
Now we're talking to you.
Hey, citizen,
can you help us out?
Sammy Boy?
That's my Sammy Boy!
Oh, shit.
Oh, my baby boy.
Daddy's here now!
I'm sorry, Daddy,
but I think he's gone.
He may be gone to
a she-devil like you...
Help me up.
...but I'm gonna take him home!
I'm gonna fix him!
- Let's go.
- Why'd you call him "Daddy"?
We're gonna get you for this.
I'm gonna take Sammy home
and make him better,
and then we're gonna
hunt you down
and make you feel what it's like
to have your bones broke and
your insides ripped out!
Now would be a good time
to get out of here! Ahh!
Ahh!
What just happened back there?
- We just killed his dog.
- And now he's gonna kill us.
Don't talk about it.
My motto is...
"Don't talk about it."
And it's served me well.
Well, no wonder you can't get any.
So far your mottos are,
"Don't get involved,"
"Don't talk about it."
Oh, I get any.
I get plenty of any.
Trust me.
Oh, look at this guy up here,
hitchin' in the middle of nowhere.
Yeah, sure, buddy.
Sure, we'll pick you up,
Mr. Mass Murderer.
Uh, um...
you're kidding, right?
You... Teddy, you...
No, Teddy's just fucking with him.
He's gonna wait till he gets really close
and then Teddy's gonna floor it
and take off!
- Nope, I'm giving him a ride.
- No way!
Do you know what it's like
to be black and need a ride?
Okay, nobody stops for you.
I once stood outside downtown
for 40 minutes
and nobody would pick me up.
Were you wearing
that costume?
Well, this guy's not black.
You don't have to be black
to be oppressed.
Yeah, so we gotta get hacked up to pieces
'cause you want to level the playing field?
Ahh.
Yeah, hop in, man.
Whoo, thanks. Ahh.
I was freezing.
This is all I had on
when I got out.
- Got out?
- Yeah.
I was at Chino State.
Oh, um, the university?
No, the prison.
It was a bum rap.
That's why I took off.
Pretty much had to
after the riot.
That riot that
you were referring to,
what was that about?
Oh, a stabbing. He was from
the Black Guerilla family.
He touched my spoon at lunch.
Well, I pretty much
had to shank him.
Yeah.
Yeah, you gotta shank him.
Can't just touch a spoon.
No, that's...
yeah, he touched your spoon, man.
Is this going just like you
planned there, Teddy?
I have a question for Mr. Hacker.
Why, sure... sure thing, baby girl.
How was it that you got invited
to prison in the first place?
It's this particular instance
that you're referring to...
well, that was because of
a tease and squeeze.
What's a tease and squeeze?
Sorry, I'm using
prison slang here!
No, I was convicted of
the torture and murder
- of two nursing students.
- Oh my God!
Ooh!
Sorry.
- Whoo-hoo!
- It's just... my mom's a nurse.
Not around here, though.
Not around Linwood at all.
Yeah, anyways, it was bullshit.
I suffocated her with a pillow.
Oh. Okay.
Yeah, anyways, her roommate
witnessed it and I had taken some acid,
so I wigged out, you know?
And the next thing I knew,
the room was full
of body parts!
Anyway, who's got some weed?
I got the nose of a bloodhound!
You sure do, yeah.
You sure do.
Uh, I got a bag of
some great stuff, actually,
right there underneath your seat.
You just gotta reach over the back.
You sure? I think it's down...
No, it ain't.
It's in the back.
- Yeah, just reach all the way over.
- I can't find it.
- Yeah.
- No, reach and see.
Reach over there.
Yeah, reach all the way over.
Stretch it out.
It's not back here!
Oh!
Ahhh!
- Ahhh!
- Stop it! Stop!
Oh my God.
- I just killed a man!
- You didn't kill him.
Okay, I maimed him.
He's flopping down on the street.
Now might be a good time to invoke
your motto, "Don't talk about it."
Guys, are we going to go
to this party?
Because so far I'm having
a really lousy Halloween.
We'll stop for gas
and get directions.
We could get some chips.
What can I do you for, Superman?
Uh, fill her up, please.
Check the oil?
Sure. Thank you.
Man, that hippie chick
is cool as hell...
full service? That's cool.
Places don't do that anymore.
Yeah, but don't forget,
full service costs extra.
Well, I don't know about your oil,
but you've got quite a bit of
blood and fur on the front of your car.
Oh, yeah, that...
well, it's...
Halloween! Ha ha!
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
Ha ha, I'm a cowboy!
But, yeah, we go all out.
Not only do we dress up,
we dress up our van too.
Ah, Halloween, right.
Halloween.
We don't participate in those
pagan rituals around here.
Well, I'm a Baptist, so...
we just kinda sort of play along.
Play along? Mmm.
Do you have a restroom?
Right there.
But you need the key.
Thank you.
We've got snacks and drinks
inside if you want 'em.
I could go for a little snack.
- Yeah.
- A little snack.
- You!
- Who?
- You!
- Me?
- Van Helsing!
- No, man, Stan.
My name is Stan Helsing.
How did you know my last name?
Not Stan, Van!
You are Van Helsing,
the great monster hunter.
Yo, Chief, I think you're
mistaking me for somebody else.
My name is Stan.
That... that doesn't even...
I don't know, man.
I mean, it kinda looks just like you, Stan,
with better hair.
That's some weird shit.
You guys, Mia's taking a really
long time in the bathroom.
Cold drinks in the fridge against the wall.
Help yourself.
I'll be right back.
Gotta go upstairs and
refill the coffee-maker.
My name's Stan.
Ah, doughnut.
There's a whole pot of coffee right here.
Want some coffee?
Okay, you guys, be totally honest.
Does my vagina make me look fat?
- Oh my God!
- Ooh! Whoa!
Come on!
- What I'd do is I'd go on in there!
- You're ridiculous!
I'm going in!
- Goin' on up in here!
- Let me in!
- No.
- Okay.
I'm gonna use the bathroom.
I... I can't even see your vagina.
- Oh.
- I wish I could.
I wish I could.
He's so sweet.
Oh.
Oh my God, I totally thought
we were busted there
when she mentioned the blood
on the car.
Yeah, luckily Stan
saved the day.
The boy is always thinking.
What'd you get?
Girl, I didn't know you
liked Old Spanglish.
Mm-hmm.
Ahhh!
What? What's wrong?
Somebody was watching me take
a piss through a hole in the wall.
You know, tugging his totem pole.
You, man!
You were watching me
go to the bathroom!
I was not!
Okay, you know what?
You pervs do what you gotta do.
- We're gonna go.
- Yeah.
- Ahh!
- Oh!
You owe me 40 bucks for the gas.
- Teddy, pay her.
- Oh.
This is my emergency stash.
You know, you guys are lucky
we don't call the cops on you
and Chief Spanks-a-Lot.
You and your whores
get off of our property.
Hey, we're not whores!
Oooh!
Oh, man!
Teddy!
I got... I gotta...
Teddy!
Go! Let's get out of here!
Drive!
We just gotta deliver
these damn videos.
We can then go to the party.
I can't believe that guy was watching
you pee while he masturbated.
You know, Mia,
he probably watched you too.
Mmm, yeah, he did.
Do you know that for sure?
- Oh, yeah, I saw him.
- What?
Why didn't you tell us?
Because I put on
a little show for him
and I thought he was,
you know, finished.
You put on a little show for him?
Well, yeah,
I felt sorry for him.
Anyway, that's the real reason
I changed.
Take this right! Take this right!
- Oh.
- Oh my God.
Okay, we're on Mockingbird Lane.
This takes us right to the main
gate of where we're going.
It's about a quarter mile ahead.
- 'Evening.
- 'Evening.
Are you going to a party?
Um, we're making a delivery.
Deliveries go to the east gate.
This is the west gate.
Well, how do you get to
the east gate?
The east gate doesn't open
for deliveries till 7:00 AM.
You look very familiar.
West gate.
Well, why don't you hit it
with a little WD-40?
When my chainsaw sticks,
that always does the trick.
You're welcome.
Yeah, see, we're not really making
an official delivery.
We're kind of just dropping
something off to a friend.
Oh, why didn't you say so?
Ha. Welcome to
Stormy Night Estates.
- You know how it got its name?
- No.
It used to be the backlot
for Stormy Night Pictures.
They made all of
the popular horror movies
right up until the fire.
West gate.
A hockey mask?
That's a new one.
Yeah, but he shouldn't be
looking in your window.
I'll... I'll keep an eye out.
- The fire started at midnight.
- If... if we could...
Then developers bought this land
and built this.
But they still say you shouldn't
be out here after midnight.
We're kind of in a hurry.
Can we just go on our way?
Oh, be my guest.
West gate.
You're afraid to go to sleep?
What kind of nightmares?
All right, so what are
we looking for?
Um... 1428 Elm Street.
The last house on the left.
What's... what's wrong?
The gauge says we're empty.
Man, that crazy hippie lady
didn't put any gas in the car.
As a matter of fact, I bet she
siphoned some of it out.
Well, let's get out. I mean, it's a gated
community. It can't be that far.
Why don't we just, you know,
ask the security guard?
That's weird. He's gone.
Well, come on. We've got a party
to go to. Let's drop off these videos.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, I guess that guy found oil
for his chainsaw.
Oh, my gosh.
Check out the dates they all died.
What a coincidence.
Nevermore!
That sounds familiar.
- You're an idiot.
- Hey, that sounds familiar too.
Faster! Spit on it! Spit on it!
How much do I owe you?
Now leave.
Oh my God. Three in a row.
Something is going on!
When did Rocket Suckers
get balls?
Hey, check out the guy
running the truck.
Oh, look, there's a sign
for a bar.
Oh, great, 'cause after
seeing that, I'm starving!
Come on, man, I was talking
about the ice cream, not...
pictures. Forget it.
I'm not even gonna...
I'm not gay, so I don't know what
you guys are staring at me for.
I'm crazy...
Crazy for feeling...
That's that guy.
That's the guy.
You'd think they'd never seen
a brother in a superhero costume before.
Mm-hmm.
How you doin'
Okay. How's your dog?
- 'Evening, everybody.
- How are you folks?
How you doin'
Good evening.
All right. Yes, those are her breasts.
That is a black man
in a Superman outfit.
All right, bro.
- Let's just have a seat here.
- Okay.
- Oh, here's a table.
- Let's just sit down right here.
Yeah yeah, all right.
That's good.
Careful of the pie.
Damn!
Uh, now what can I do for you?
Menus?
No menus.
We make everything here.
Great. Well, I'll have three
cheeseburgers for here, one to go,
extra mayo, french fries
and a triple chocolate shake.
Would you like that in an IV?
It's quicker.
- No.
- No.
Can I get some sliced mango,
a pinch of salt, squeeze of lemon,
Diet Coke in a can with
a bendy straw?
You got it, cowgirl.
And I'm going to have
a chicken pot pie and an iced tea, please.
You know, this is the first time I've seen
a push-up bra on an Indian.
Actually, you know, the correct term
is Native American. So...
Pocahontas, around here
the native term is "hooker."
Hmm? Oh, uh, I'll have a salad and...
Never mind.
She just called me a hooker!
I'm gonna talk to the manager. I don't think
they like how she's talking to us.
One order from the freaks
at table 9!
Might want to rethink about
talking to the manager.
You know what? Let's just eat and deliver
those videos and get out of town.
Well, we can't since
we don't have any gas.
- Remember?
- That's right.
All right. Well, I'll call AAA.
And then if they're not here by
the time we're done,
I guess I'll just call a taxi.
Is that all right?
Okay.
I'm not getting a signal up in here.
That's 'cause cell phones don't work
in Stormy Night Estates.
Why not?
Because they don't want anybody
calling out to the outside world.
Elwood, I told you never
to bother the customers.
I'm sorry.
Okay, drinks for everybody. Uh...
who gets what?
Where's the men's room?
At the back wall, turn right.
Hey, buddy, how about
a courtesy flush, huh?
Thank you.
Hey, pal, you think you could
pass me a roll of toilet paper, please?
Here you go.
Thank you very much.
It's a boy!
And whatever you do,
don't be in town after midnight,
- because ever since...
- You guys!
This is crazy. So I'm in the stall
doing my business,
and the guy next to me in the stall
asks for some toilet paper
and I said sure. So when he
reaches his hand under...
- Excuse me. You guys are up.
- Up where? Where?
- What are you talking about?
- To sing. Your group.
What are you talking about?
We're not singing.
- No.
- We're not singing.
- Then what'd you sign up for?
- We didn't sign up.
Your friend Superman here
signed you up
when you were in
the men's room.
Teddy? Teddy?
Are you kidding me?
Why did you sign us up?
Well, I figured it, you know,
it would help us fit in.
Who cares about fitting in?
Teddy, you're the only brother here
wearing a Superman outfit.
Fit in? Fit in?
We're not gonna sing.
Take us off the list.
Okay.
Just take us off the list.
All right, all right.
Uh, the freaks at table 9
say they're too good to sing karaoke
at our shitty little bar and grill.
No no...
Easy easy.
I didn't say "shitty."
Everybody, calm down.
Love
Is a burning thing
And makes a fiery ring
Bound by wild desire
I fell into a ring of fire
I fell into a burning ring of fire
I went down down down
And the flames went higher
- And it burns burns burns
- Burns burns burns
The ring of fire
The ring with fire...
What?
I just thought you guys might
like a little Johnny Cash.
We like Johnny Cash.
It's just we're still a little
sensitive about fires,
ever since the one that destroyed
and cursed our town.
That's right. That's right.
The security guard told us.
Your whole town burned up.
Uh, sorry?
Um, well...
Howdy. I'm Stan Helsing.
This is...
Hey, did you say Van Helsing?
No, I didn't say Van Helsing.
I said Stan Helsing.
Stan Helsing,
not Van Helsing.
Why does everybody want me
to be Van Helsing?
Ever since the fire, this town has
been tormented by monsters.
Legend has it that one day
a Van Helsing will come
and save us from this curse.
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you,
but I'm Stan Helsing,
not Van Helsing.
I'm not here to save anybody.
Sorry.
Well, I'm glad I didn't suggest
we sing Clay Aiken.
Stan, I don't understand why you're
ducking this whole Van Helsing thing.
I'm not ducking anything!
I'm Stan. Stan, man.
I'm not a monster killer.
I don't want to let these
townspeople down.
Don't worry, it's just a clock.
That can't be good.
I forgot my cell phone.
- What?
- The door is locked.
Well, go get your phone, Teddy.
I ain't going on my own...
It is dark in there.
Ooh, I have a flashlight.
Ahh!
You guys, I can't run anymore.
I ain't running no more.
What the hell are you doing?
What is that?
It's my to-go burger.
Prepare yourself
to die, mortal!
Run to the west gate!
This whole town is full
of skeletons.
Man, this whole town is dead.
Oh my God.
Maybe this is like "The Sixth Sense"
and we're the ones who are really dead.
You know what, Mia? I've been
holding something back all night,
so I'm just gonna
go ahead and say it now:
That doesn't make any sense,
you stupid bitch.
Yeah, I feel better now.
- Try the guardhouse phone.
- Good idea.
Big surprise... it's dead.
- Hello?
- We know who you are.
- Who is this?
- How'd you like my ass?
- Dad?
- I may be a little doll,
but I'm gonna chop you
and your friends into pieces.
You know who that was?
That was that doll
that we were driving next to
that showed me his ass.
Oh my God.
Stan, I know it's been
a stressful night,
but there was no doll.
And there definitely was no doll
- showing you his ass!
- I'm out of here.
Come on.
God.
Stan!
Stan? Stan?
Are you okay?
Oh. Ah.
- Nadine?
- Yes.
Why did we break up?
Don't you remember?
I think so.
Yeah, so I told the guy,
I was like, "Listen,
I'm the only guy here
at the karaoke bar
that sings 'Temple of the Dog."
I had to lay down the law,
you know?
I just think that grunge didn't have
enough time to, like, fully mature.
You know?
Like it's still evolving.
And that's what I'm trying to do,
just bring my music back to that...
...you know, so...
- How did you do that?
- I don't know.
Ever since I was a kid,
I was, you know,
able to snatch bugs and stuff.
Wow.
Number 74, your order's ready!
That's us. I'll go get it,
since you paid and all.
It's not the way that
You carry on in bed
It's not your last laugh
It's not your game
It's not the way that
You wear your saddle straps
It's in your name
And it's in your gaze
Oooh...
Pot pie.
Uh, I wish that was
a real pot pie.
That would be fun.
So hungry,
I'm gonna eat you.
What?
I think we should stop
seeing each other.
Who are you doing?
Stan?
Stan?
Stan, are you okay?
- Nadine?
- Yeah.
Are you wearing any underwear?
Yep, he's fine.
Man, how was
the flashback?
It was terrible.
But the food was delicious.
All right, well, let's go find
the east gate.
Good idea.
I taste metal.
- East gate. East gate.
- Oh. Okay.
Look, this place can't be that big.
We'll find somebody to help us out,
drop these videos off and get out
of this godforsaken place.
Hey, look, a truck.
- Hey, it's stopping.
- What is he doing?
- We should ask him for some help.
- Nope.
We should. Who else is there?
Hey, buddy!
- Hey!
- Excuse me, sir?
- Over here!
- You,
with the yarmulke!
Oh, he's leaving.
- Wait a minute.
- What was he doing?
He threw something down
that metal tube.
Yeah, but that
something was moving.
Yeah, and that something
was bloody.
Hello?
- Hey, Mia, hand me your flashlight.
- Oh, sure.
- What are you doing?
- Sorry.
Hello, sir?
Yoo-hoo!
Sir, I know you're tied up right now,
but could you please
throw me my flashlight?
Hello?
Oh, no no!
Oh! Oh!
- Do you have her?
- Yeah, I got her!
Damn.
I think now would be
a great time
for a reverse POV.
Oh, shit.
Stop it.
Stan. Oh.
A little higher.
Oh, right there.
Oh, no.
Come back.
Stan, can you pull her up?
I'll try.
I should have grabbed
your hands.
You know, I'm gonna just keep
these for later... no, evidence.
That's evidence.
Help me, I'm not wearing
any underwear!
Hey.
A perfectly good pencil.
Can you pull me up?
No.
Well, try lowering me down
a little farther.
Okay, we'll try.
You know, I think you're gonna have to
get in the tube and grab his ankles
and then I'll hold onto yours.
- Are you gonna look up my skirt?
- No. Probably.
Okay.
Uh, ahhh!
I feel like a lost little doggie.
Ooh!
Ooh-oooh!
Oh, wait, wait a minute.
Ah, okay.
There it is. It came out.
Okay.
A little deeper.
A few more inches.
Yeah, that's what you
bitches always say...
to somebody else!
Not Teddy.
Teddy... Teddy gets it done.
Ain't nobody out here.
Ahh!
Where... where am I?
Where am I? Where...
- Where is this place?
- Uh, I don't know,
but your hands are
on my breasts.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Ahh! A rat. I'll kill it!
No, he's my friend.
Oh! Oh no, I think he's hurt.
Is that someone's ass?
Oh my God.
- Help me.
- Dude, you look like shit.
You're like a really messed-up
Paul Giamatti.
Who did this to you?
It's... it's horrible.
Vicious.
It's... it's...
It's what?
For the love of God, tell us!
It's behind you.
Ahh!
Okay.
One, two, here you go.
Take my hand.
Hey, a church.
Maybe there's like a priest
inside who can help us.
Let's go.
It worked.
He didn't follow us in.
This place is so beautiful.
Makes me wish I'd worn
my nun costume.
Disturbing.
Jeez!
Jesus Christ.
You can't sneak up on me
like that, Father.
I'm not a priest.
I'm an altar boy.
Almost a priest.
Okay.
Hey, you think you can maybe, like,
hide us, you know?
Keep us safe?
Ooh, I can hide them.
I mean, I can hide you...
but you will never be safe.
I think he likes you.
You are Van Helsing,
the monster killer.
Oh, man, not you too.
Look, dude, it's... it's Stan.
It's Stan Helsing.
I'm no monster killer.
I work at a video store.
- No.
- Hey hey hey hey hey.
I thought you said
you weren't a priest.
Almost a priest.
He is Stan Van Helsing,
descendant of
Dr. Abraham Van Helsing,
and salvation of all
who are trapped
in Stormy Night Estates.
Why do you reject the role
you were born to?
Go ahead, Stan.
Tell him some of your mottos.
Okay. Look, dude,
I just like to go with the flow.
What's the problem with that?
I'm no monster killer.
I'm certainly no leader.
- I'm just here to drop off these videos.
- Shh shh shh shh!
It has been said
that some are born to greatness,
some achieve greatness,
and some have greatness
thrust upon them.
Sweet greatness.
You sure you're not a priest?
This close... almost a priest.
Okay.
What's the plan?
Follow me.
Please come this way.
Hang your torches on the wall.
I will give you some items
that will aid you in your quest.
- Sweet.
- Yeah. Yeah, you will.
Holy chest of mystery...
Wow.
Oh, that chest.
This chest.
For you, this sweet jacket.
Yeah.
Ooh, that is really gonna bring out
the color of your eyes.
Oh, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
Ahh! Not to be
referred to now,
but upon meeting the enemy.
Oh, right. 'Cause I'm sure the monsters
will wait on killing us
while I read my monster handbook.
Filled with holy water...
- Yeah, that's mine.
- No, it's not.
...to buy you the time.
Wow, I wonder if Jesus used that.
Say, man, what about
the rest of us?
You will know once you use this
why it alters your look.
I didn't know my look
needed altering.
Well, you could
pluck your eyebrows.
And for you...
no explanation necessary.
The Strip-a-lot 3000s.
I wanted these for Christmas.
And for you, super one...
- Oh!
... for when you get hungry,
one final shameless
product placement,
a Fatburger for my fat
little superhero.
Here you go, big guy.
Hope this doesn't turn into that dude
with the needles in his head.
Maybe we should just camp out
here until morning, then call a taxi.
No! How dare you reject
the opportunity
that has been given you?
Be gone!
God help you.
Thanks, Stan.
- What?
- Not many people can say
they've actually been
thrown out of a church.
Oh, boy.
I still can't get over that.
What's this?
Oh. What? Whoa!
Oh! Ahh!
- What in the...
- Teddy, you know what I'm thinking?
- Fantasy sequence?
- Yeah!
Yeah!
Mmm! Mm-hmm!
Here you go.
Whoo-hoo!
Here you go... bang.
Whoa whoa! Pah!
- Titties titties
- Ass ass titties...
So what's you guys's names?
Names? What are names?
Don't tell us your name.
Tell us... tell us your
stripper names.
We are the brides of Dracula.
Well, I hope he's out of
town on business. Ha ha!
Damn!
How much for a lap dance?
Right here in your hole.
Look at those toes.
What is your name?
Stan.
Sta... Stan...
Helsing.
Stan Helsing.
Stan Helsing?
Don't you mean Van Helsing?
No no no,
it's Stan Helsing.
Hey, all right.
That's for you.
- We're outta here.
- What do you mean you're out of here?
- What's wrong?
- Wait, what?
Baby...
Come on!
Hey. Wait... wait a minute,
wait a minute.
I... I wanted to show you something.
Say, this is a fantasy.
You don't walk out on a fantasy like that.
Man, the next time three fine womans
with their breasteses exposed
ask you if your name
is Van Helsing, the answer is yes!
Oh, hey.
We were, uh...
doing a little, uh...
- uh, recon.
- That's all. What's that up there?
- Uh, about a 2"x30"?
- That's a 2"x30".
I have to admit,
as a fellow professional,
those dancers were pretty good.
Yeah, I think that one girl
was ambidextrous.
Wow, I'd give my right arm
to be ambidextrous.
You know, all this monster killing
is bullshit.
Our first plan should be to escape.
We need to find the east gate.
- I'm with you.
- Me too.
Me too.
It's anonymous!
Hey, there's a guy.
Maybe he can help us. Hey, sir?
Do you know how to get to the east...
Oh God! Ahhh!
I can picture you naked...
You shall not pass!
I can picture you naked...
I can picture you naked...
How come we're not losing him?
Hey, look, a police station!
Police! What... what?
Man, this is just an old movie set.
You know, besides the fact
that we've been in constant danger
from the moment we got here,
this town is really cute.
Shh shh shh shh.
Wait, guys, shh! Listen.
- Shh shh shh shh.
- You guys hear that?
- That's him, isn't it?
- Uh-huh.
Ahh!
Maybe we should run inside
one of these houses.
Great idea. Then what?
Should we hide up in the attic?
Maybe we should try hiding in this house.
I'm tired of running.
Let's do it.
Well, in case he saw us
come in here.
He saw us. He saw us!
He saw us!
Run!
Holy moly!
Maybe try this one.
Looks like a bathroom.
Is it a bathroom?
Look, there's a pay phone.
It takes tokens.
Come on, come on.
Operator. Op...
Hi there, baby.
Anything you need to
get off your mind?
I think that one has
a double meaning, Stan.
We'll do whatever you want.
We don't want to jerk you around.
Yeah, that one has
a double meaning too.
- That's pretty specific.
- Oh!
I think I just got off.
Oh.
That's okay.
That could happen to anyone,
even Stan.
Oh, little Stan!
Yeah.
Stan!
- More cream, Stan.
- Yeah.
Sorry.
Can I call you back?
Mm-hmm.
We should try upstairs.
Do you take debit cards?
This is good. Come on.
Move the bed!
Block the door.
Oh!
Wow, I can...
barely keep my eyes...
Um...
Oh, Jeez!
Guys...
we did it. We did it!
Yeah, we did it!
- We did it!
- Let's go!
Teddy, I don't know about you,
but I haven't slept
that well in years.
Yeah, whatever!
I know I ruined our night,
and I'm sorry,
but since it's daylight,
I'd really like to drop off these videos.
Can we get some breakfast?
I'm starving.
- That's so weird.
- Not so weird!
Ahhh!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ahh!
Can you say "bitch slap"?
- Man, I had this nightmare.
- Me too.
The guy had, like, a Swiss Army knife
on his hand.
- And he smacked us.
- Across the face.
When did you change into
a nurse's outfit?
Oh, in my dream.
Well, we can't fall asleep again
because that's when he'll kill us.
There's a TV.
Let's put that on.
We'll keep you posted
on this election.
And in local news, tonight police
are looking for this man.
His name is Finbar Ohara,
an escaped murderer also
known as The Butcher.
Hey, that's the guy we picked up.
A busload of Linwood
special-education students
found him lying on New Road after he had
been thrown from a moving vehicle.
He wasn't thrown.
He let go.
Once inside the bus,
he turned on his good Samaritans,
killed the driver and all
but one of the special-ed students.
The lone surviving
special-education student
described the killer
as screaming and bossy.
I didn't think he was bossy.
In other news, a Margate couple
was arrested this evening
for selling pornography that
was shot surreptitiously
while people used the bathroom at
the couple's gas station.
Chanel 5 News was there exclusively
when the bust went down.
Some of the footage was shot
as recently as this evening.
Maybe we'll get residuals.
And finally tonight,
the death of a local hero.
Sammy Boy was the victim
of a hit-and-run accident.
Viewers might remember
Sammy Boy
from a story we did
a couple of months ago
when Sammy Boy rescued
several children
from a fire at
the Bentner Orphanage.
Sammy Boy's owner was too distraught
to speak to us on camera,
but he said he vowed to
get those who killed Sammy Boy
and "butcher them like pigs."
- Turn it off.
- That's all for tonight.
I'm Zorianna Kit.
Well, there he is,
waiting for us.
Well, I'm tired of
waiting to be slaughtered.
I'm gonna do something about it.
Stan, wait.
Ahh!
No one messes with
me and my friends!
Hey!
- He's beating up Timmy, our goalie.
- Ah, stop!
Let's get him!
- Get back here!
- Come on!
Ow! Ow!
That's great, Stan.
We went from one crazy hockey
player trying to kill us to a whole team.
Well, that's 'cause I don't
like getting involved.
We need to get out of here, okay?
We're trapped in here like sitting ducks.
- Oh!
- Ahhh!
And cut.
His cock is green.
His fangs are starting
to leave marks.
What's that smell?
It's a combination of
tanning oil and poop.
Oh, what the hell is this?
We're making a gay porno.
That's what we do here
at Cornhole Pictures.
Cornhole Pictures?
Hey, how did these
looky-loos get on my set?
- Get these freaks out of here.
- Hey, man, we're going.
We're just trying to, like,
get through this house
and then we're trying to drop off
these videos. Then we'll go on our way.
"Grazing Ryan's Privates"?
What?
That's a classic.
Oh, he got lube on the bag.
He got lube on...
- Why do you have that?
- I'm just dropping them off, man.
Get 'em out of here.
Who would have thought that
Stormy Night Pictures
is now the home to porn?
Oh, you guys.
- Aw.
- Aww!
- How cute.
- Oh, little cutie!
- Aw!
- Oh, you baby!
He kind of looks like that dog
we hit on the road.
You mean Sammy Boy?
That's Sammy Boy's son.
This is Sammy Boy!
- Whoa!
- Ah!
Hi, Sammy Boy.
Looking good.
Nice job.
You barely notice.
He hasn't been the same
since you hit him with your car.
He can't eat.
Now he's starving.
Have you tried the Ensure?
They're these little milkshakes.
We gave them to my grandfather one time
when he couldn't poop.
It was awful...
Sammy needs meat!
There was a Sizzler
that we just passed
- on the way over here.
- Raw meat.
You don't have to cook it.
- Anybody else got any big bright ideas?
- No.
But I have this.
What you got there?
That's fantastic, Mia.
Keep doing that.
You're controlling him!
You haven't seen the last of us!
You guys, I'm like those guys
in Vegas with the tigers...
Sigmund & Freud.
You know, we have so many
people after us,
if we don't get to a landline soon
and call for a ride,
we're not gonna make it
through this night alive.
Too bad there's just
that cab phone.
What cab phone?
The one in the town
square that we passed.
Ahhh!
Do you guys hear that?
All right. All right, thanks.
So I called the dispatcher.
Cab'll be here in 20 minutes.
And did you tell him
to call the police?
On who?
Us for killing that hero dog?
Yeah, he's got a point.
- So are we still going to this party?
- Party?
I just want to go home.
We're not home yet.
Programs!
Get your programs right here!
Get them while they're hot...
red hot!
Here you go, kind sir.
$1 please. Thank you kindly.
- Well, that can't be good.
- We are so screwed.
I can't believe I'm gonna die
dressed as a nurse.
You're not gonna die
dressed as a nurse.
So I have time to change?
That's great, because I have this
really cute little Girl Scout uniform...
- We're going to plan B.
- What's plan B?
- Run!
- Ahhh!
Damn, those guys are fast.
- I'm scared.
- Don't be scared, little lady.
- What's that on my hip?
- Nothing but a little goodbye hug.
Stan, I hate to admit it,
but I'm really scared too.
Well, I'm not scared.
I just don't know what to do.
Is this how it all ends?
No, it's not how it all ends!
We're gonna settle this the way
we settle everything around here
ever since the fire
destroyed our town.
How's that?
- Utilizing the ancient art of...
- Karaoke!
All right, freaks.
Tonight you will be given a chance
to beat these monsters in an event
that plays to your strengths...
- singing karaoke.
- Bam!
Now in case you don't know it,
here's what's at stake:
If Stan and the gang wins,
they get to go home alive
and the monsters must leave our town
and never come back!
Now if the monsters win,
they get to mutilate and kill
Stan and Nadine
and Teddy and Mia.
- No, that's "boo."
- You said "Stan"?
First up, the monsters.
Hey, Stan, there's no need
to feel down
We said, "Hey, Stan
Pick yourself off the ground"
We said, "Hey, Stan
'Cause you're in a new town
There's no need to be
Unhappy
Hey, Stan,
there's this thing you should know"
We said, "Hey, Stan,
when we're done with this show
You can stay here
and I'm sure you will find
That we're here to rape
and kill you"
We're here to kill S-T-A-N
It's fun to kill S-T-A-N
Our intentions are real
And you can't make a deal
This will be your last meal
Hey, Stan
Are you listening to me?
We said, "Hey, Stan
Who did you think you'd be?"
We said, "Hey, Stan,
we can crush all your dreams
Don't think you can escape us."
Well, I hate to say it,
but great job, monsters.
Not bad for a bunch
of murderous heathens.
But Stan and the gang are
gonna give it a shot.
Well, I know that it's getting late
But I just wanna go home
I'm in no hurry, baby,
time can wait
'Cause I just
wanna go home
Listen to the man sing his song
I just wanna go home
I don't mind if it takes
all night long
'Cause I just wanna go home
Listen, baby, I know
we had to try
To reach up and
touch the sky, baby
Whatever happened to
you and I?
But I just wanna go home
Lord, look at how
the people stare
Said I just wanna go home
In their minds
I know they've all been there
I just wanna go home
I know the words to
this song are real
But, oh, I just wanna go home
I know he's talking about
the way I feel
And I just wanna go home
Listen, baby
I know we had to try
To reach up and touch
the sky, baby
Whatever happened to you and I?
But I just wanna go home.
Tough. It's tough... tough call.
Now you know how it works...
the town decides.
How many of you think that
Stan and his friends
were the best?
Yay!
Now how many of you felt that
the monsters were the best?
Aw, well,
I'm sorry, monsters.
They're admittedly a little biased,
you understand.
Wait wait wait.
You heard Kay. We won fair and square.
There is no fair and square.
Uh, Stan?
Do something, Stan.
Do something.
I'm gonna bring out the hardware.
- Do you need a hand?
- No, I got it.
Ooh, I got it.
Ahhh!
Well, that was
completely ineffective.
Hmm.
I... I feel like I should tell you, um...
I forgot to mention that
I got a little thirsty earlier,
so I refilled your weapon
with the water hose
from outside.
- You drank the holy water?
- It was delicious!
Could have used this information
a minute ago.
Ahh.
The scroll!
Great, it's a joke.
I thought it'd be more of a clue.
I think you're both right...
it's a joke and a clue
on how to deal with
these monsters.
- I don't get it.
- I don't get it either.
No, guys, I think I can read this.
Yeah, I think it says that
the monsters have weaknesses.
Okay okay, Stan Helsing!
You've had your fun.
Now get ready to
taste your own blood!
- Ahh!
- Ooh!
There! Check it out!
That really hurt.
You wanted me to get involved?
Well, I'm getting involved.
Wait, no, please.
Please please.
I don't see how this is
gonna help, but all right.
Oh, not me? Okay.
Ow!
My God.
I have no weaknesses, mortal.
We're not gonna go that easy.
Oh, actually, you two
have the same weakness.
Teddy... condiments, please.
Coming right up, Stan my man!
Whoo!
Sounds like Sammy Boy finally
got his raw meat.
Got his raw meat!
Let's set this on shred!
Yeah!
Hello? Hi.
Ha. Looks like no one's
getting blown tonight.
Ahhh!
And what's my weakness?
Dude, you're a doll.
Announcer over radio:
Go for the goal!
Blue 69,
hut hut hut!
Here's the kick!
In the air.
It's good!
You did it!
You got rid of the monsters!
Your cab is waiting
for you outside.
Here.
You've earned it,
Stan Van Helsing.
Freak.
Come back! Come back!
We need you.
Thanks for visiting
Stormy Night Estates!
West gate.
An ice-cream truck? That's a new one.
No, I can't say I've ever seen
a Rocket Sucker with balls.
Oh, hey look, it's the mask
that altar boy gave you.
Oh. Mask.
So does it alter how I look?
I think he meant it would alter
how you look at things.
Oh.
Stop the cab, please!
Yeah!
You know what I'm thinking?
- Lap dance?
- Well, I was gonna say a kiss,
but we can skip right to
the lap dance if you want to.
Oh my oh...
Oh, I'd better make sure you're okay.
Oh, no, you're so sick.
Oh, you're so sick.
Whoo!
Welcome to my world, bitch.
Take it one time
Yeah yeah, uh-huh
Do we gotta say it again?
Ain't nothing goin' to change
What we got is lockdown
We run the game
and that's right
People wanna get on down
and get down
People wanna
let loose and let loose
'Cause you know
that the beat is sick
Make you wanna
get down with it
Yeah, yo
I eliminated the middle man,
the child genius
Growing up with a fan
like nothing in the middle, man
I gotta do this for
my daughter and my little man...
Oh, yeah, squeeze your face.
Who's a bad boy?
Who's a bad...
Yeah! Yeah, you're my bad boy!
You're my bad boy!
Everybody can do it,
you know Scribble can
Went from the top to the bottom
to the top again
And ain't no stopping him
'Cause he the one to check
my studio tan, man
I ain't seen the sun
in five weeks...
Hey, Mom.
That's right.
I'm in a stripper costume.
I'm giving a lap dance. I've done
dirty dirty things in this movie.
You're gonna be so proud of me.
Where that music coming from?
From my heart, just a start,
there's a reason...
Wait, are there any
black people in this movie?
Wait, we're in it.
I'm in it!
Tick tickety, don't quit,
but do we gotta say it again?
Ain't nothing going to change
What we got is lockdown
- We run the game...
- Take this right, take this right!
People want to get on down
and get down...
This is Mockingbird Lane.
It takes...
- One more time.
- Do it again, do it again.
Do it again.
Here we go. Shut up.
Shut up. Here we go.
Take this right, take this right!
Oh.
Ahh.
One more.
It's so stupid!
Stan Helsing?
I thought you said Van Helsing.
Next thing I know you're
gonna tell me that's not Superman.
Get you high but too much
and you might choke on the words
Please stop frontin' like
you're taking the crown
You're really waitin' around
till I'm hingin' the town
Oh! Tick tock, you don't stop
To the... tick tock, you don't stop
To the...
tick tock, you don't stop
To the... tick tickety,
you don't quit
But do we gotta say it again?
Ain't nothin' going to change
What we got is lockdown
We run the game
and that's right
People wanna get on down
and get down
People wanna
let loose and let loose
But you know
that the beat is sick
You make me want to
get down with it
That's right,
straight running the game full stop
Third verse, catch it
fresh with the free flow
Hands up in the air,
put 'em up for my people
If you're still wondering about
the numbers that we sow
Just bought a house, motherfucker,
it's free ho
Not Lisa Loeb
but got the #1 single
Come a long way from
them radio jingles
Had to hustle and flow,
keep that on the d-low
Stay humble, showing off's
not in my "stilo"
We just sitting together now,
sittin' in the king's throne
Even got coated platinum
buttons on my ringtone
Producing and continuin' to jam,
bringing my team home
Peter Jackson can now
witness King Kong
Looking forward for daylight,
Chinese playing ping-pong
Laughing at the competition,
whacking at wind songs
Keep it poppin', I ain't stoppin',
won't be long
Ride it to the top
like I ain't even been gone
Tick tock, you don't stop
To the... tick tock, you don't stop
To the...
tick tock, you don't stop
To the... tick tickety,
you don't quit
But do we gotta say it again?
Ain't nothin' going to change
What we got is lockdown
We run the game
and that's right
People wanna get on down
and get down
People wanna
let loose and let loose
But you know
that the beat is sick
You make me want to
get down with it
That's right, straight running
the game full stop
Get get, uh, get, get down
Get get get get,
get down
Get get,
uh, get, get down
Get get, uh, get, get down
Oh, straight running the game
Full stop,
straight running the game
Full stop, straight running the game
Straight running the game,
straight running the game.
Yeah
How y'all feeling
out there tonight?
Hey, pretty lady
Let me touch your body,
let me touch your body
Rub it real good,
let me use my hands
Do it like I should
I like your frame, honey,
let's have a freak party
I know you like it naughty,
I know you like it naughty
Let me touch your body,
rub it real good
Let me use my hands,
do it like I should
I like your frame, honey,
let's have a freak party
I know you like it naughty,
I know you like it naughty
Look at that rack,
she's so stacked
The way she move her neck
make me want it back
Ordinary girl
and it ain't an act
Watch her back it up
like a Mack truck
And she act up,
how you doin', cutie?
Got me amped up,
Miss Cool Booty
I wanna touch your body,
do it real fresh
Make you feel good,
probably make you sweat
Let me touch your body,
rub it real good
Let me use my hands,
do it like I should
I like your frame, honey,
let's have a freak party
I know you like it naughty,
I know you like it naughty
Let me touch your body,
rub it real good
Let me use my hands,
do it like I should
I like your frame, honey,
let's have a freak party
I know you like it naughty,
I know you like it naughty
Ordinary girl,
yeah, you do it crazy
Undercover badge,
yeah, that's you, baby
You're from Costa Rica
and you smell exotic
Like a gin and tonic
before you get erotic
Yeah, I'm feeling buzzed,
do the booty shake
Yeah, that's what it was,
she don't never fake
She like her body touched,
it's a freak thing
Big Cali butt,
tiny G-string
Let me touch your body,
rub it real good
Let me use my hands,
do it like I should
I like your frame, honey,
let's have a freak party
I know you like it naughty,
I know you like it naughty
Let me touch your body,
rub it real good
Let me use my hands,
do it like I should
I like your frame, honey,
let's have a freak party
I know you like it naughty,
I know you like it naughty.
This place has got
great surround sound, man.
Schlockbuster.
Happy Halloween.
Yeah yeah yeah,
we carry porn.
What do I recommend?
"Schindler's Fist,"
"How Stella Got
Her Tube Packed,"
"Six Degrees of Penetration."
That's a good one.
"Glad He Ate Her."
Yeah yeah. Okay.
- Stan?
- You're welcome, Grandma.
Stan?
There's a cockroach in the ladies' room.
It's your turn to kill it.
Dude, come on,
you know my motto:
There's always someone
better for the job.
- Now!
- I'm off in 10 minutes.
Can't you have somebody
from the late shift do it?
No. I'm the manager and I say
you have to do it.
I got bongs older than you.
Well, I'm still the boss,
and I say you have to do it.
Don't make me write you up.
Here, you're gonna need it.
It's funny, I watched "The Notebook"
last night and I actually liked it.
You watched "The Notebook"
and you liked it?
Yeah. I'm actually thinking about
watching "Titanic" tonight too.
Stick it in me!
This "Blair Witch Project"
is some scary shit.
Oh, no, someone rearrangin'
rocks again.
See, this is why black people
don't go camping.
Why does that bitch gotta keep shining
that light up her dripping nose?
Run, bitch, run!
Damn.
Thanks for scaring
the shit out of us.
We would have let you join in.
Oh.
I cockblocked myself.
Ahh, too many Peanut Chews!
Oh, cock...
roach.
Sorry, uh, dude,
I thought this was available,
but it's okay.
I don't actually need it,
'cause I just pissed myself.
You look tense.
Uh, you need a magazine?
Toilet paper?
Let me get you a magazine.
Ah, I see you're a fan of
the Kobe Bryant position.
Oh.
What the... oh!
Hey, Sully, we're out of paper towels
in the ladies' room.
And these little puppies...
these lady diaper things
are super absorbent.
I'm gonna start doing
my dishes with those.
You gotta call somebody
about the cockroach in the bathroom.
Ask for a truck.
A very big truck.
Anyways, you're gonna need this.
- What's that?
- It's the videos
that you promised the owner
that you'd deliver to his mother.
Dude, no.
I got my friends right
outside waiting for me.
We're going to the coolest
Halloween party ever, okay?
- Can someone else do it?
- No, you promised.
And if you want to have a job here on
Monday, I would suggest that you do it.
No.
- What?
- No.
- I'm sorry?
- No!
Stan, this is my date, Mia.
- Well hello, Mia.
- Hi.
- Why did you come as a cowboy?
- What?
I told you I was gonna
come as an Indian.
Now people are gonna think
that we're together.
Well, I think the correct term
is Native American.
And you look like Bret Michaels.
- Oh, yeah?
- Not a good look.
Hey! Whoa!
God, I forgot, okay?
- Yeah, right.
- I did, I swear.
I didn't know you were
gonna wear that.
I think you guys look cute together.
- See?
- That's the problem.
Because we're not
together anymore.
- So, Mia?
- Hmm?
- What do you do?
- I used to be an exotic dancer,
but now I'm a massage therapist.
Oh, isn't that like
the same thing?
No. One you dance naked
and the other you
whack people off.
I just got a music gig.
A music gig?
Karaoke doesn't count as a music gig.
All right, Nadine, chill out.
I'll have us to the party
in, like, 10 minutes
and then you guys can separate.
Hey, can we make a quick stop
before we go to the party?
What stop?
I gotta drop off these videos
at my boss's mom's house.
Where's she live?
Linwood.
What?
- Isn't the party downtown?
- Quick detour.
In the complete opposite direction.
It's not even close to
being close by.
Come on, T!
Highway driving, man.
We'll get there in no time.
No way. No.
All right. But if I can't drop off
these videos, I'm gonna lose my job
and then I won't be able to pay
you guys the money I owe you...
both of you.
So, whatever.
If you don't want your money.
Okay.
His scent leads to this store.
But remember, I get the first taste
of his raw flesh.
- Why...
- It's not worth it.
Not worth it!
Come on.
Nice costume.
You're, like, the third one tonight.
Can I help you?
I'm looking for a Mr. Helsing.
You should watch this one.
It's super tight.
Um, can you hold her for a minute for me?
I just need to get my wallet out.
Thank you.
Is there anything else
I can help you with?
Uh...
I'll have a box of
the Hot Tamales then.
Man, I knew it was too good to be true.
We're bumper to bumper over here.
It's probably a traffic jam.
Oh, snap, Teddy.
MILF alert, 3:00.
Ooh. Hello hello.
Ahh.
- You're so gross.
- What?
What?
"Oh oh, Teddy.
Teddy, there's a MILF alert,
You think I don't know
what that means?
What's a milk alert?
I can't believe I ever even
went out with you.
- The best six weeks of your life.
- It was two weeks.
Yeah, but I was doing you in
my mind for the other four.
Aww.
That's so sweet.
No. No.
Ahh!
- Did you guys see that?
- What, another MILF?
No!
In the MILF's van.
That doll mimed a blowjob
and started smacking his ass.
- That's so weird.
- No no no no.
That's not weird at all.
It's... you know, it's a MILF
driving a car with a doll
that's miming a blowjob
and spanking his ass.
Yeah yeah.
Sounds perfectly normal.
My brother said I used to give
his GI Joe doll a boner.
- Oh!
- Okay,
you probably want to keep that
to yourself.
You know what?
Forget I even said it.
Oh, no.
We won't be forgetting that one.
Nope, it went right...
right up here.
Well, there's plenty of
room for that there.
In Stan's defense, there is a phenomenon
called an urban mirage.
Forget it, dude.
You do not have to defend me.
I'm just saying, people get stressed out
in urban settings. It happens.
I saw what I saw.
- Shit.
- What?
- Did another doll just moon you?
- No, we missed our exit.
- Why aren't you paying attention?
- Dude, that doll freaked me out!
It's all right. Just take the next exit.
I know how to get there
taking the back roads.
Ooh, I've heard that before.
All right, which way?
Uh, straight.
It would help if there were
some fucking street signs.
Whoa!
Did you see that?
Yeah, I saw it.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Me too.
And I'm a vegetarian.
Uh, he's slowing down.
I think he's trying to box us in.
Teddy, she's right.
Go around him.
All right, hang on.
- Teddy, you gotta speed up.
- I'm flooring it!
- Whoa!
- What the hell is driving that truck?
Looks like a purse
I bought in Tijuana.
Oh, great, now he's speeding up.
- Almost.
- Oh my God. Oh my God.
- Teddy, drop back!
- I can't. It's too late. I gotta pass!
There's another semi coming!
- Are we dead?
- No. But we should be.
Teddy, that was awesome, man.
You should be a stunt-car driver.
I wanted to be a stuntman, but a little thing
called law school got in the way.
What do we do now?
We do nothing.
My motto is don't get involved.
I thought you said you knew how
to get us back on the highway.
Why don't we just knock on the door
of one of these houses out here?
Wrong answer.
Ever seen a little movie
called "The Hills Have Eyes"?
This whole place is crawling
with flesh-eating inbreds.
Okay, sister?
I say we just chill...
and enjoy the drive.
What are you doing?
Medicating myself, man.
That was a really stressful
situation back there.
I need to settle the nerves.
Okay.
Man, what are you doing?
Huh?
Okay.
Just make sure nobody
burns the upholstery.
Isn't it smoky in here?
I feel, like, really baked.
Mm-hmm.
What the hell was in that shit?
Special recipe.
It's a really cool Thai stick and
I dip it in liquid X,
and then I grind it
into the weed,
and then I roll it into the joint.
Man, you're like
the Rachael Ray of weed.
Rachael Ray!
- I feel numb all over.
- Yeah.
What are you doing?
I'm just working on some
acupressure points.
Whoa!
Sorry.
This van just went from an automatic
to a stick shift. Teddy got a boner.
- Do you have any more?
- You should try.
Whoa!
What the hell was that?
It looked like a baby bear.
- Where are you going?
- To see if it's all right.
Are you insane?
If that's a baby bear,
then there's a mama bear out there
wanting to kick some ass.
Look, I am a medical professional.
I took an oath.
Massage ain't medicine!
We can't let her go out there alone.
Okay, fine,
I'll go out there.
Wait.
Teddy, you probably
should go out there.
No, I'm not going.
We both go.
They're gonna call us pussies
if we don't go.
Wait a minute. Okay.
Oh, boy.
It... it's a dog.
I think it's a Rottweiler.
He's hurt bad.
I don't think he's gonna make it.
Hey hey, here's comes a pickup truck.
Oh, that's good.
We can maybe flag him down and
then he can take the dog to a vet.
Yo! Hey!
Hey, how you doing?
Uh, listen, we hit this dog...
Well, we... we didn't hit the dog!
What?
There's a dog there.
We are citizens.
So we see it and stop.
Now we're talking to you.
Hey, citizen,
can you help us out?
Sammy Boy?
That's my Sammy Boy!
Oh, shit.
Oh, my baby boy.
Daddy's here now!
I'm sorry, Daddy,
but I think he's gone.
He may be gone to
a she-devil like you...
Help me up.
...but I'm gonna take him home!
I'm gonna fix him!
- Let's go.
- Why'd you call him "Daddy"?
We're gonna get you for this.
I'm gonna take Sammy home
and make him better,
and then we're gonna
hunt you down
and make you feel what it's like
to have your bones broke and
your insides ripped out!
Now would be a good time
to get out of here! Ahh!
Ahh!
What just happened back there?
- We just killed his dog.
- And now he's gonna kill us.
Don't talk about it.
My motto is...
"Don't talk about it."
And it's served me well.
Well, no wonder you can't get any.
So far your mottos are,
"Don't get involved,"
"Don't talk about it."
Oh, I get any.
I get plenty of any.
Trust me.
Oh, look at this guy up here,
hitchin' in the middle of nowhere.
Yeah, sure, buddy.
Sure, we'll pick you up,
Mr. Mass Murderer.
Uh, um...
you're kidding, right?
You... Teddy, you...
No, Teddy's just fucking with him.
He's gonna wait till he gets really close
and then Teddy's gonna floor it
and take off!
- Nope, I'm giving him a ride.
- No way!
Do you know what it's like
to be black and need a ride?
Okay, nobody stops for you.
I once stood outside downtown
for 40 minutes
and nobody would pick me up.
Were you wearing
that costume?
Well, this guy's not black.
You don't have to be black
to be oppressed.
Yeah, so we gotta get hacked up to pieces
'cause you want to level the playing field?
Ahh.
Yeah, hop in, man.
Whoo, thanks. Ahh.
I was freezing.
This is all I had on
when I got out.
- Got out?
- Yeah.
I was at Chino State.
Oh, um, the university?
No, the prison.
It was a bum rap.
That's why I took off.
Pretty much had to
after the riot.
That riot that
you were referring to,
what was that about?
Oh, a stabbing. He was from
the Black Guerilla family.
He touched my spoon at lunch.
Well, I pretty much
had to shank him.
Yeah.
Yeah, you gotta shank him.
Can't just touch a spoon.
No, that's...
yeah, he touched your spoon, man.
Is this going just like you
planned there, Teddy?
I have a question for Mr. Hacker.
Why, sure... sure thing, baby girl.
How was it that you got invited
to prison in the first place?
It's this particular instance
that you're referring to...
well, that was because of
a tease and squeeze.
What's a tease and squeeze?
Sorry, I'm using
prison slang here!
No, I was convicted of
the torture and murder
- of two nursing students.
- Oh my God!
Ooh!
Sorry.
- Whoo-hoo!
- It's just... my mom's a nurse.
Not around here, though.
Not around Linwood at all.
Yeah, anyways, it was bullshit.
I suffocated her with a pillow.
Oh. Okay.
Yeah, anyways, her roommate
witnessed it and I had taken some acid,
so I wigged out, you know?
And the next thing I knew,
the room was full
of body parts!
Anyway, who's got some weed?
I got the nose of a bloodhound!
You sure do, yeah.
You sure do.
Uh, I got a bag of
some great stuff, actually,
right there underneath your seat.
You just gotta reach over the back.
You sure? I think it's down...
No, it ain't.
It's in the back.
- Yeah, just reach all the way over.
- I can't find it.
- Yeah.
- No, reach and see.
Reach over there.
Yeah, reach all the way over.
Stretch it out.
It's not back here!
Oh!
Ahhh!
- Ahhh!
- Stop it! Stop!
Oh my God.
- I just killed a man!
- You didn't kill him.
Okay, I maimed him.
He's flopping down on the street.
Now might be a good time to invoke
your motto, "Don't talk about it."
Guys, are we going to go
to this party?
Because so far I'm having
a really lousy Halloween.
We'll stop for gas
and get directions.
We could get some chips.
What can I do you for, Superman?
Uh, fill her up, please.
Check the oil?
Sure. Thank you.
Man, that hippie chick
is cool as hell...
full service? That's cool.
Places don't do that anymore.
Yeah, but don't forget,
full service costs extra.
Well, I don't know about your oil,
but you've got quite a bit of
blood and fur on the front of your car.
Oh, yeah, that...
well, it's...
Halloween! Ha ha!
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
Ha ha, I'm a cowboy!
But, yeah, we go all out.
Not only do we dress up,
we dress up our van too.
Ah, Halloween, right.
Halloween.
We don't participate in those
pagan rituals around here.
Well, I'm a Baptist, so...
we just kinda sort of play along.
Play along? Mmm.
Do you have a restroom?
Right there.
But you need the key.
Thank you.
We've got snacks and drinks
inside if you want 'em.
I could go for a little snack.
- Yeah.
- A little snack.
- You!
- Who?
- You!
- Me?
- Van Helsing!
- No, man, Stan.
My name is Stan Helsing.
How did you know my last name?
Not Stan, Van!
You are Van Helsing,
the great monster hunter.
Yo, Chief, I think you're
mistaking me for somebody else.
My name is Stan.
That... that doesn't even...
I don't know, man.
I mean, it kinda looks just like you, Stan,
with better hair.
That's some weird shit.
You guys, Mia's taking a really
long time in the bathroom.
Cold drinks in the fridge against the wall.
Help yourself.
I'll be right back.
Gotta go upstairs and
refill the coffee-maker.
My name's Stan.
Ah, doughnut.
There's a whole pot of coffee right here.
Want some coffee?
Okay, you guys, be totally honest.
Does my vagina make me look fat?
- Oh my God!
- Ooh! Whoa!
Come on!
- What I'd do is I'd go on in there!
- You're ridiculous!
I'm going in!
- Goin' on up in here!
- Let me in!
- No.
- Okay.
I'm gonna use the bathroom.
I... I can't even see your vagina.
- Oh.
- I wish I could.
I wish I could.
He's so sweet.
Oh.
Oh my God, I totally thought
we were busted there
when she mentioned the blood
on the car.
Yeah, luckily Stan
saved the day.
The boy is always thinking.
What'd you get?
Girl, I didn't know you
liked Old Spanglish.
Mm-hmm.
Ahhh!
What? What's wrong?
Somebody was watching me take
a piss through a hole in the wall.
You know, tugging his totem pole.
You, man!
You were watching me
go to the bathroom!
I was not!
Okay, you know what?
You pervs do what you gotta do.
- We're gonna go.
- Yeah.
- Ahh!
- Oh!
You owe me 40 bucks for the gas.
- Teddy, pay her.
- Oh.
This is my emergency stash.
You know, you guys are lucky
we don't call the cops on you
and Chief Spanks-a-Lot.
You and your whores
get off of our property.
Hey, we're not whores!
Oooh!
Oh, man!
Teddy!
I got... I gotta...
Teddy!
Go! Let's get out of here!
Drive!
We just gotta deliver
these damn videos.
We can then go to the party.
I can't believe that guy was watching
you pee while he masturbated.
You know, Mia,
he probably watched you too.
Mmm, yeah, he did.
Do you know that for sure?
- Oh, yeah, I saw him.
- What?
Why didn't you tell us?
Because I put on
a little show for him
and I thought he was,
you know, finished.
You put on a little show for him?
Well, yeah,
I felt sorry for him.
Anyway, that's the real reason
I changed.
Take this right! Take this right!
- Oh.
- Oh my God.
Okay, we're on Mockingbird Lane.
This takes us right to the main
gate of where we're going.
It's about a quarter mile ahead.
- 'Evening.
- 'Evening.
Are you going to a party?
Um, we're making a delivery.
Deliveries go to the east gate.
This is the west gate.
Well, how do you get to
the east gate?
The east gate doesn't open
for deliveries till 7:00 AM.
You look very familiar.
West gate.
Well, why don't you hit it
with a little WD-40?
When my chainsaw sticks,
that always does the trick.
You're welcome.
Yeah, see, we're not really making
an official delivery.
We're kind of just dropping
something off to a friend.
Oh, why didn't you say so?
Ha. Welcome to
Stormy Night Estates.
- You know how it got its name?
- No.
It used to be the backlot
for Stormy Night Pictures.
They made all of
the popular horror movies
right up until the fire.
West gate.
A hockey mask?
That's a new one.
Yeah, but he shouldn't be
looking in your window.
I'll... I'll keep an eye out.
- The fire started at midnight.
- If... if we could...
Then developers bought this land
and built this.
But they still say you shouldn't
be out here after midnight.
We're kind of in a hurry.
Can we just go on our way?
Oh, be my guest.
West gate.
You're afraid to go to sleep?
What kind of nightmares?
All right, so what are
we looking for?
Um... 1428 Elm Street.
The last house on the left.
What's... what's wrong?
The gauge says we're empty.
Man, that crazy hippie lady
didn't put any gas in the car.
As a matter of fact, I bet she
siphoned some of it out.
Well, let's get out. I mean, it's a gated
community. It can't be that far.
Why don't we just, you know,
ask the security guard?
That's weird. He's gone.
Well, come on. We've got a party
to go to. Let's drop off these videos.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, I guess that guy found oil
for his chainsaw.
Oh, my gosh.
Check out the dates they all died.
What a coincidence.
Nevermore!
That sounds familiar.
- You're an idiot.
- Hey, that sounds familiar too.
Faster! Spit on it! Spit on it!
How much do I owe you?
Now leave.
Oh my God. Three in a row.
Something is going on!
When did Rocket Suckers
get balls?
Hey, check out the guy
running the truck.
Oh, look, there's a sign
for a bar.
Oh, great, 'cause after
seeing that, I'm starving!
Come on, man, I was talking
about the ice cream, not...
pictures. Forget it.
I'm not even gonna...
I'm not gay, so I don't know what
you guys are staring at me for.
I'm crazy...
Crazy for feeling...
That's that guy.
That's the guy.
You'd think they'd never seen
a brother in a superhero costume before.
Mm-hmm.
How you doin'
Okay. How's your dog?
- 'Evening, everybody.
- How are you folks?
How you doin'
Good evening.
All right. Yes, those are her breasts.
That is a black man
in a Superman outfit.
All right, bro.
- Let's just have a seat here.
- Okay.
- Oh, here's a table.
- Let's just sit down right here.
Yeah yeah, all right.
That's good.
Careful of the pie.
Damn!
Uh, now what can I do for you?
Menus?
No menus.
We make everything here.
Great. Well, I'll have three
cheeseburgers for here, one to go,
extra mayo, french fries
and a triple chocolate shake.
Would you like that in an IV?
It's quicker.
- No.
- No.
Can I get some sliced mango,
a pinch of salt, squeeze of lemon,
Diet Coke in a can with
a bendy straw?
You got it, cowgirl.
And I'm going to have
a chicken pot pie and an iced tea, please.
You know, this is the first time I've seen
a push-up bra on an Indian.
Actually, you know, the correct term
is Native American. So...
Pocahontas, around here
the native term is "hooker."
Hmm? Oh, uh, I'll have a salad and...
Never mind.
She just called me a hooker!
I'm gonna talk to the manager. I don't think
they like how she's talking to us.
One order from the freaks
at table 9!
Might want to rethink about
talking to the manager.
You know what? Let's just eat and deliver
those videos and get out of town.
Well, we can't since
we don't have any gas.
- Remember?
- That's right.
All right. Well, I'll call AAA.
And then if they're not here by
the time we're done,
I guess I'll just call a taxi.
Is that all right?
Okay.
I'm not getting a signal up in here.
That's 'cause cell phones don't work
in Stormy Night Estates.
Why not?
Because they don't want anybody
calling out to the outside world.
Elwood, I told you never
to bother the customers.
I'm sorry.
Okay, drinks for everybody. Uh...
who gets what?
Where's the men's room?
At the back wall, turn right.
Hey, buddy, how about
a courtesy flush, huh?
Thank you.
Hey, pal, you think you could
pass me a roll of toilet paper, please?
Here you go.
Thank you very much.
It's a boy!
And whatever you do,
don't be in town after midnight,
- because ever since...
- You guys!
This is crazy. So I'm in the stall
doing my business,
and the guy next to me in the stall
asks for some toilet paper
and I said sure. So when he
reaches his hand under...
- Excuse me. You guys are up.
- Up where? Where?
- What are you talking about?
- To sing. Your group.
What are you talking about?
We're not singing.
- No.
- We're not singing.
- Then what'd you sign up for?
- We didn't sign up.
Your friend Superman here
signed you up
when you were in
the men's room.
Teddy? Teddy?
Are you kidding me?
Why did you sign us up?
Well, I figured it, you know,
it would help us fit in.
Who cares about fitting in?
Teddy, you're the only brother here
wearing a Superman outfit.
Fit in? Fit in?
We're not gonna sing.
Take us off the list.
Okay.
Just take us off the list.
All right, all right.
Uh, the freaks at table 9
say they're too good to sing karaoke
at our shitty little bar and grill.
No no...
Easy easy.
I didn't say "shitty."
Everybody, calm down.
Love
Is a burning thing
And makes a fiery ring
Bound by wild desire
I fell into a ring of fire
I fell into a burning ring of fire
I went down down down
And the flames went higher
- And it burns burns burns
- Burns burns burns
The ring of fire
The ring with fire...
What?
I just thought you guys might
like a little Johnny Cash.
We like Johnny Cash.
It's just we're still a little
sensitive about fires,
ever since the one that destroyed
and cursed our town.
That's right. That's right.
The security guard told us.
Your whole town burned up.
Uh, sorry?
Um, well...
Howdy. I'm Stan Helsing.
This is...
Hey, did you say Van Helsing?
No, I didn't say Van Helsing.
I said Stan Helsing.
Stan Helsing,
not Van Helsing.
Why does everybody want me
to be Van Helsing?
Ever since the fire, this town has
been tormented by monsters.
Legend has it that one day
a Van Helsing will come
and save us from this curse.
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you,
but I'm Stan Helsing,
not Van Helsing.
I'm not here to save anybody.
Sorry.
Well, I'm glad I didn't suggest
we sing Clay Aiken.
Stan, I don't understand why you're
ducking this whole Van Helsing thing.
I'm not ducking anything!
I'm Stan. Stan, man.
I'm not a monster killer.
I don't want to let these
townspeople down.
Don't worry, it's just a clock.
That can't be good.
I forgot my cell phone.
- What?
- The door is locked.
Well, go get your phone, Teddy.
I ain't going on my own...
It is dark in there.
Ooh, I have a flashlight.
Ahh!
You guys, I can't run anymore.
I ain't running no more.
What the hell are you doing?
What is that?
It's my to-go burger.
Prepare yourself
to die, mortal!
Run to the west gate!
This whole town is full
of skeletons.
Man, this whole town is dead.
Oh my God.
Maybe this is like "The Sixth Sense"
and we're the ones who are really dead.
You know what, Mia? I've been
holding something back all night,
so I'm just gonna
go ahead and say it now:
That doesn't make any sense,
you stupid bitch.
Yeah, I feel better now.
- Try the guardhouse phone.
- Good idea.
Big surprise... it's dead.
- Hello?
- We know who you are.
- Who is this?
- How'd you like my ass?
- Dad?
- I may be a little doll,
but I'm gonna chop you
and your friends into pieces.
You know who that was?
That was that doll
that we were driving next to
that showed me his ass.
Oh my God.
Stan, I know it's been
a stressful night,
but there was no doll.
And there definitely was no doll
- showing you his ass!
- I'm out of here.
Come on.
God.
Stan!
Stan? Stan?
Are you okay?
Oh. Ah.
- Nadine?
- Yes.
Why did we break up?
Don't you remember?
I think so.
Yeah, so I told the guy,
I was like, "Listen,
I'm the only guy here
at the karaoke bar
that sings 'Temple of the Dog."
I had to lay down the law,
you know?
I just think that grunge didn't have
enough time to, like, fully mature.
You know?
Like it's still evolving.
And that's what I'm trying to do,
just bring my music back to that...
...you know, so...
- How did you do that?
- I don't know.
Ever since I was a kid,
I was, you know,
able to snatch bugs and stuff.
Wow.
Number 74, your order's ready!
That's us. I'll go get it,
since you paid and all.
It's not the way that
You carry on in bed
It's not your last laugh
It's not your game
It's not the way that
You wear your saddle straps
It's in your name
And it's in your gaze
Oooh...
Pot pie.
Uh, I wish that was
a real pot pie.
That would be fun.
So hungry,
I'm gonna eat you.
What?
I think we should stop
seeing each other.
Who are you doing?
Stan?
Stan?
Stan, are you okay?
- Nadine?
- Yeah.
Are you wearing any underwear?
Yep, he's fine.
Man, how was
the flashback?
It was terrible.
But the food was delicious.
All right, well, let's go find
the east gate.
Good idea.
I taste metal.
- East gate. East gate.
- Oh. Okay.
Look, this place can't be that big.
We'll find somebody to help us out,
drop these videos off and get out
of this godforsaken place.
Hey, look, a truck.
- Hey, it's stopping.
- What is he doing?
- We should ask him for some help.
- Nope.
We should. Who else is there?
Hey, buddy!
- Hey!
- Excuse me, sir?
- Over here!
- You,
with the yarmulke!
Oh, he's leaving.
- Wait a minute.
- What was he doing?
He threw something down
that metal tube.
Yeah, but that
something was moving.
Yeah, and that something
was bloody.
Hello?
- Hey, Mia, hand me your flashlight.
- Oh, sure.
- What are you doing?
- Sorry.
Hello, sir?
Yoo-hoo!
Sir, I know you're tied up right now,
but could you please
throw me my flashlight?
Hello?
Oh, no no!
Oh! Oh!
- Do you have her?
- Yeah, I got her!
Damn.
I think now would be
a great time
for a reverse POV.
Oh, shit.
Stop it.
Stan. Oh.
A little higher.
Oh, right there.
Oh, no.
Come back.
Stan, can you pull her up?
I'll try.
I should have grabbed
your hands.
You know, I'm gonna just keep
these for later... no, evidence.
That's evidence.
Help me, I'm not wearing
any underwear!
Hey.
A perfectly good pencil.
Can you pull me up?
No.
Well, try lowering me down
a little farther.
Okay, we'll try.
You know, I think you're gonna have to
get in the tube and grab his ankles
and then I'll hold onto yours.
- Are you gonna look up my skirt?
- No. Probably.
Okay.
Uh, ahhh!
I feel like a lost little doggie.
Ooh!
Ooh-oooh!
Oh, wait, wait a minute.
Ah, okay.
There it is. It came out.
Okay.
A little deeper.
A few more inches.
Yeah, that's what you
bitches always say...
to somebody else!
Not Teddy.
Teddy... Teddy gets it done.
Ain't nobody out here.
Ahh!
Where... where am I?
Where am I? Where...
- Where is this place?
- Uh, I don't know,
but your hands are
on my breasts.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Ahh! A rat. I'll kill it!
No, he's my friend.
Oh! Oh no, I think he's hurt.
Is that someone's ass?
Oh my God.
- Help me.
- Dude, you look like shit.
You're like a really messed-up
Paul Giamatti.
Who did this to you?
It's... it's horrible.
Vicious.
It's... it's...
It's what?
For the love of God, tell us!
It's behind you.
Ahh!
Okay.
One, two, here you go.
Take my hand.
Hey, a church.
Maybe there's like a priest
inside who can help us.
Let's go.
It worked.
He didn't follow us in.
This place is so beautiful.
Makes me wish I'd worn
my nun costume.
Disturbing.
Jeez!
Jesus Christ.
You can't sneak up on me
like that, Father.
I'm not a priest.
I'm an altar boy.
Almost a priest.
Okay.
Hey, you think you can maybe, like,
hide us, you know?
Keep us safe?
Ooh, I can hide them.
I mean, I can hide you...
but you will never be safe.
I think he likes you.
You are Van Helsing,
the monster killer.
Oh, man, not you too.
Look, dude, it's... it's Stan.
It's Stan Helsing.
I'm no monster killer.
I work at a video store.
- No.
- Hey hey hey hey hey.
I thought you said
you weren't a priest.
Almost a priest.
He is Stan Van Helsing,
descendant of
Dr. Abraham Van Helsing,
and salvation of all
who are trapped
in Stormy Night Estates.
Why do you reject the role
you were born to?
Go ahead, Stan.
Tell him some of your mottos.
Okay. Look, dude,
I just like to go with the flow.
What's the problem with that?
I'm no monster killer.
I'm certainly no leader.
- I'm just here to drop off these videos.
- Shh shh shh shh!
It has been said
that some are born to greatness,
some achieve greatness,
and some have greatness
thrust upon them.
Sweet greatness.
You sure you're not a priest?
This close... almost a priest.
Okay.
What's the plan?
Follow me.
Please come this way.
Hang your torches on the wall.
I will give you some items
that will aid you in your quest.
- Sweet.
- Yeah. Yeah, you will.
Holy chest of mystery...
Wow.
Oh, that chest.
This chest.
For you, this sweet jacket.
Yeah.
Ooh, that is really gonna bring out
the color of your eyes.
Oh, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
Ahh! Not to be
referred to now,
but upon meeting the enemy.
Oh, right. 'Cause I'm sure the monsters
will wait on killing us
while I read my monster handbook.
Filled with holy water...
- Yeah, that's mine.
- No, it's not.
...to buy you the time.
Wow, I wonder if Jesus used that.
Say, man, what about
the rest of us?
You will know once you use this
why it alters your look.
I didn't know my look
needed altering.
Well, you could
pluck your eyebrows.
And for you...
no explanation necessary.
The Strip-a-lot 3000s.
I wanted these for Christmas.
And for you, super one...
- Oh!
... for when you get hungry,
one final shameless
product placement,
a Fatburger for my fat
little superhero.
Here you go, big guy.
Hope this doesn't turn into that dude
with the needles in his head.
Maybe we should just camp out
here until morning, then call a taxi.
No! How dare you reject
the opportunity
that has been given you?
Be gone!
God help you.
Thanks, Stan.
- What?
- Not many people can say
they've actually been
thrown out of a church.
Oh, boy.
I still can't get over that.
What's this?
Oh. What? Whoa!
Oh! Ahh!
- What in the...
- Teddy, you know what I'm thinking?
- Fantasy sequence?
- Yeah!
Yeah!
Mmm! Mm-hmm!
Here you go.
Whoo-hoo!
Here you go... bang.
Whoa whoa! Pah!
- Titties titties
- Ass ass titties...
So what's you guys's names?
Names? What are names?
Don't tell us your name.
Tell us... tell us your
stripper names.
We are the brides of Dracula.
Well, I hope he's out of
town on business. Ha ha!
Damn!
How much for a lap dance?
Right here in your hole.
Look at those toes.
What is your name?
Stan.
Sta... Stan...
Helsing.
Stan Helsing.
Stan Helsing?
Don't you mean Van Helsing?
No no no,
it's Stan Helsing.
Hey, all right.
That's for you.
- We're outta here.
- What do you mean you're out of here?
- What's wrong?
- Wait, what?
Baby...
Come on!
Hey. Wait... wait a minute,
wait a minute.
I... I wanted to show you something.
Say, this is a fantasy.
You don't walk out on a fantasy like that.
Man, the next time three fine womans
with their breasteses exposed
ask you if your name
is Van Helsing, the answer is yes!
Oh, hey.
We were, uh...
doing a little, uh...
- uh, recon.
- That's all. What's that up there?
- Uh, about a 2"x30"?
- That's a 2"x30".
I have to admit,
as a fellow professional,
those dancers were pretty good.
Yeah, I think that one girl
was ambidextrous.
Wow, I'd give my right arm
to be ambidextrous.
You know, all this monster killing
is bullshit.
Our first plan should be to escape.
We need to find the east gate.
- I'm with you.
- Me too.
Me too.
It's anonymous!
Hey, there's a guy.
Maybe he can help us. Hey, sir?
Do you know how to get to the east...
Oh God! Ahhh!
I can picture you naked...
You shall not pass!
I can picture you naked...
I can picture you naked...
How come we're not losing him?
Hey, look, a police station!
Police! What... what?
Man, this is just an old movie set.
You know, besides the fact
that we've been in constant danger
from the moment we got here,
this town is really cute.
Shh shh shh shh.
Wait, guys, shh! Listen.
- Shh shh shh shh.
- You guys hear that?
- That's him, isn't it?
- Uh-huh.
Ahh!
Maybe we should run inside
one of these houses.
Great idea. Then what?
Should we hide up in the attic?
Maybe we should try hiding in this house.
I'm tired of running.
Let's do it.
Well, in case he saw us
come in here.
He saw us. He saw us!
He saw us!
Run!
Holy moly!
Maybe try this one.
Looks like a bathroom.
Is it a bathroom?
Look, there's a pay phone.
It takes tokens.
Come on, come on.
Operator. Op...
Hi there, baby.
Anything you need to
get off your mind?
I think that one has
a double meaning, Stan.
We'll do whatever you want.
We don't want to jerk you around.
Yeah, that one has
a double meaning too.
- That's pretty specific.
- Oh!
I think I just got off.
Oh.
That's okay.
That could happen to anyone,
even Stan.
Oh, little Stan!
Yeah.
Stan!
- More cream, Stan.
- Yeah.
Sorry.
Can I call you back?
Mm-hmm.
We should try upstairs.
Do you take debit cards?
This is good. Come on.
Move the bed!
Block the door.
Oh!
Wow, I can...
barely keep my eyes...
Um...
Oh, Jeez!
Guys...
we did it. We did it!
Yeah, we did it!
- We did it!
- Let's go!
Teddy, I don't know about you,
but I haven't slept
that well in years.
Yeah, whatever!
I know I ruined our night,
and I'm sorry,
but since it's daylight,
I'd really like to drop off these videos.
Can we get some breakfast?
I'm starving.
- That's so weird.
- Not so weird!
Ahhh!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ahh!
Can you say "bitch slap"?
- Man, I had this nightmare.
- Me too.
The guy had, like, a Swiss Army knife
on his hand.
- And he smacked us.
- Across the face.
When did you change into
a nurse's outfit?
Oh, in my dream.
Well, we can't fall asleep again
because that's when he'll kill us.
There's a TV.
Let's put that on.
We'll keep you posted
on this election.
And in local news, tonight police
are looking for this man.
His name is Finbar Ohara,
an escaped murderer also
known as The Butcher.
Hey, that's the guy we picked up.
A busload of Linwood
special-education students
found him lying on New Road after he had
been thrown from a moving vehicle.
He wasn't thrown.
He let go.
Once inside the bus,
he turned on his good Samaritans,
killed the driver and all
but one of the special-ed students.
The lone surviving
special-education student
described the killer
as screaming and bossy.
I didn't think he was bossy.
In other news, a Margate couple
was arrested this evening
for selling pornography that
was shot surreptitiously
while people used the bathroom at
the couple's gas station.
Chanel 5 News was there exclusively
when the bust went down.
Some of the footage was shot
as recently as this evening.
Maybe we'll get residuals.
And finally tonight,
the death of a local hero.
Sammy Boy was the victim
of a hit-and-run accident.
Viewers might remember
Sammy Boy
from a story we did
a couple of months ago
when Sammy Boy rescued
several children
from a fire at
the Bentner Orphanage.
Sammy Boy's owner was too distraught
to speak to us on camera,
but he said he vowed to
get those who killed Sammy Boy
and "butcher them like pigs."
- Turn it off.
- That's all for tonight.
I'm Zorianna Kit.
Well, there he is,
waiting for us.
Well, I'm tired of
waiting to be slaughtered.
I'm gonna do something about it.
Stan, wait.
Ahh!
No one messes with
me and my friends!
Hey!
- He's beating up Timmy, our goalie.
- Ah, stop!
Let's get him!
- Get back here!
- Come on!
Ow! Ow!
That's great, Stan.
We went from one crazy hockey
player trying to kill us to a whole team.
Well, that's 'cause I don't
like getting involved.
We need to get out of here, okay?
We're trapped in here like sitting ducks.
- Oh!
- Ahhh!
And cut.
His cock is green.
His fangs are starting
to leave marks.
What's that smell?
It's a combination of
tanning oil and poop.
Oh, what the hell is this?
We're making a gay porno.
That's what we do here
at Cornhole Pictures.
Cornhole Pictures?
Hey, how did these
looky-loos get on my set?
- Get these freaks out of here.
- Hey, man, we're going.
We're just trying to, like,
get through this house
and then we're trying to drop off
these videos. Then we'll go on our way.
"Grazing Ryan's Privates"?
What?
That's a classic.
Oh, he got lube on the bag.
He got lube on...
- Why do you have that?
- I'm just dropping them off, man.
Get 'em out of here.
Who would have thought that
Stormy Night Pictures
is now the home to porn?
Oh, you guys.
- Aw.
- Aww!
- How cute.
- Oh, little cutie!
- Aw!
- Oh, you baby!
He kind of looks like that dog
we hit on the road.
You mean Sammy Boy?
That's Sammy Boy's son.
This is Sammy Boy!
- Whoa!
- Ah!
Hi, Sammy Boy.
Looking good.
Nice job.
You barely notice.
He hasn't been the same
since you hit him with your car.
He can't eat.
Now he's starving.
Have you tried the Ensure?
They're these little milkshakes.
We gave them to my grandfather one time
when he couldn't poop.
It was awful...
Sammy needs meat!
There was a Sizzler
that we just passed
- on the way over here.
- Raw meat.
You don't have to cook it.
- Anybody else got any big bright ideas?
- No.
But I have this.
What you got there?
That's fantastic, Mia.
Keep doing that.
You're controlling him!
You haven't seen the last of us!
You guys, I'm like those guys
in Vegas with the tigers...
Sigmund & Freud.
You know, we have so many
people after us,
if we don't get to a landline soon
and call for a ride,
we're not gonna make it
through this night alive.
Too bad there's just
that cab phone.
What cab phone?
The one in the town
square that we passed.
Ahhh!
Do you guys hear that?
All right. All right, thanks.
So I called the dispatcher.
Cab'll be here in 20 minutes.
And did you tell him
to call the police?
On who?
Us for killing that hero dog?
Yeah, he's got a point.
- So are we still going to this party?
- Party?
I just want to go home.
We're not home yet.
Programs!
Get your programs right here!
Get them while they're hot...
red hot!
Here you go, kind sir.
$1 please. Thank you kindly.
- Well, that can't be good.
- We are so screwed.
I can't believe I'm gonna die
dressed as a nurse.
You're not gonna die
dressed as a nurse.
So I have time to change?
That's great, because I have this
really cute little Girl Scout uniform...
- We're going to plan B.
- What's plan B?
- Run!
- Ahhh!
Damn, those guys are fast.
- I'm scared.
- Don't be scared, little lady.
- What's that on my hip?
- Nothing but a little goodbye hug.
Stan, I hate to admit it,
but I'm really scared too.
Well, I'm not scared.
I just don't know what to do.
Is this how it all ends?
No, it's not how it all ends!
We're gonna settle this the way
we settle everything around here
ever since the fire
destroyed our town.
How's that?
- Utilizing the ancient art of...
- Karaoke!
All right, freaks.
Tonight you will be given a chance
to beat these monsters in an event
that plays to your strengths...
- singing karaoke.
- Bam!
Now in case you don't know it,
here's what's at stake:
If Stan and the gang wins,
they get to go home alive
and the monsters must leave our town
and never come back!
Now if the monsters win,
they get to mutilate and kill
Stan and Nadine
and Teddy and Mia.
- No, that's "boo."
- You said "Stan"?
First up, the monsters.
Hey, Stan, there's no need
to feel down
We said, "Hey, Stan
Pick yourself off the ground"
We said, "Hey, Stan
'Cause you're in a new town
There's no need to be
Unhappy
Hey, Stan,
there's this thing you should know"
We said, "Hey, Stan,
when we're done with this show
You can stay here
and I'm sure you will find
That we're here to rape
and kill you"
We're here to kill S-T-A-N
It's fun to kill S-T-A-N
Our intentions are real
And you can't make a deal
This will be your last meal
Hey, Stan
Are you listening to me?
We said, "Hey, Stan
Who did you think you'd be?"
We said, "Hey, Stan,
we can crush all your dreams
Don't think you can escape us."
Well, I hate to say it,
but great job, monsters.
Not bad for a bunch
of murderous heathens.
But Stan and the gang are
gonna give it a shot.
Well, I know that it's getting late
But I just wanna go home
I'm in no hurry, baby,
time can wait
'Cause I just
wanna go home
Listen to the man sing his song
I just wanna go home
I don't mind if it takes
all night long
'Cause I just wanna go home
Listen, baby, I know
we had to try
To reach up and
touch the sky, baby
Whatever happened to
you and I?
But I just wanna go home
Lord, look at how
the people stare
Said I just wanna go home
In their minds
I know they've all been there
I just wanna go home
I know the words to
this song are real
But, oh, I just wanna go home
I know he's talking about
the way I feel
And I just wanna go home
Listen, baby
I know we had to try
To reach up and touch
the sky, baby
Whatever happened to you and I?
But I just wanna go home.
Tough. It's tough... tough call.
Now you know how it works...
the town decides.
How many of you think that
Stan and his friends
were the best?
Yay!
Now how many of you felt that
the monsters were the best?
Aw, well,
I'm sorry, monsters.
They're admittedly a little biased,
you understand.
Wait wait wait.
You heard Kay. We won fair and square.
There is no fair and square.
Uh, Stan?
Do something, Stan.
Do something.
I'm gonna bring out the hardware.
- Do you need a hand?
- No, I got it.
Ooh, I got it.
Ahhh!
Well, that was
completely ineffective.
Hmm.
I... I feel like I should tell you, um...
I forgot to mention that
I got a little thirsty earlier,
so I refilled your weapon
with the water hose
from outside.
- You drank the holy water?
- It was delicious!
Could have used this information
a minute ago.
Ahh.
The scroll!
Great, it's a joke.
I thought it'd be more of a clue.
I think you're both right...
it's a joke and a clue
on how to deal with
these monsters.
- I don't get it.
- I don't get it either.
No, guys, I think I can read this.
Yeah, I think it says that
the monsters have weaknesses.
Okay okay, Stan Helsing!
You've had your fun.
Now get ready to
taste your own blood!
- Ahh!
- Ooh!
There! Check it out!
That really hurt.
You wanted me to get involved?
Well, I'm getting involved.
Wait, no, please.
Please please.
I don't see how this is
gonna help, but all right.
Oh, not me? Okay.
Ow!
My God.
I have no weaknesses, mortal.
We're not gonna go that easy.
Oh, actually, you two
have the same weakness.
Teddy... condiments, please.
Coming right up, Stan my man!
Whoo!
Sounds like Sammy Boy finally
got his raw meat.
Got his raw meat!
Let's set this on shred!
Yeah!
Hello? Hi.
Ha. Looks like no one's
getting blown tonight.
Ahhh!
And what's my weakness?
Dude, you're a doll.
Announcer over radio:
Go for the goal!
Blue 69,
hut hut hut!
Here's the kick!
In the air.
It's good!
You did it!
You got rid of the monsters!
Your cab is waiting
for you outside.
Here.
You've earned it,
Stan Van Helsing.
Freak.
Come back! Come back!
We need you.
Thanks for visiting
Stormy Night Estates!
West gate.
An ice-cream truck? That's a new one.
No, I can't say I've ever seen
a Rocket Sucker with balls.
Oh, hey look, it's the mask
that altar boy gave you.
Oh. Mask.
So does it alter how I look?
I think he meant it would alter
how you look at things.
Oh.
Stop the cab, please!
Yeah!
You know what I'm thinking?
- Lap dance?
- Well, I was gonna say a kiss,
but we can skip right to
the lap dance if you want to.
Oh my oh...
Oh, I'd better make sure you're okay.
Oh, no, you're so sick.
Oh, you're so sick.
Whoo!
Welcome to my world, bitch.
Take it one time
Yeah yeah, uh-huh
Do we gotta say it again?
Ain't nothing goin' to change
What we got is lockdown
We run the game
and that's right
People wanna get on down
and get down
People wanna
let loose and let loose
'Cause you know
that the beat is sick
Make you wanna
get down with it
Yeah, yo
I eliminated the middle man,
the child genius
Growing up with a fan
like nothing in the middle, man
I gotta do this for
my daughter and my little man...
Oh, yeah, squeeze your face.
Who's a bad boy?
Who's a bad...
Yeah! Yeah, you're my bad boy!
You're my bad boy!
Everybody can do it,
you know Scribble can
Went from the top to the bottom
to the top again
And ain't no stopping him
'Cause he the one to check
my studio tan, man
I ain't seen the sun
in five weeks...
Hey, Mom.
That's right.
I'm in a stripper costume.
I'm giving a lap dance. I've done
dirty dirty things in this movie.
You're gonna be so proud of me.
Where that music coming from?
From my heart, just a start,
there's a reason...
Wait, are there any
black people in this movie?
Wait, we're in it.
I'm in it!
Tick tickety, don't quit,
but do we gotta say it again?
Ain't nothing going to change
What we got is lockdown
- We run the game...
- Take this right, take this right!
People want to get on down
and get down...
This is Mockingbird Lane.
It takes...
- One more time.
- Do it again, do it again.
Do it again.
Here we go. Shut up.
Shut up. Here we go.
Take this right, take this right!
Oh.
Ahh.
One more.
It's so stupid!
Stan Helsing?
I thought you said Van Helsing.
Next thing I know you're
gonna tell me that's not Superman.
Get you high but too much
and you might choke on the words
Please stop frontin' like
you're taking the crown
You're really waitin' around
till I'm hingin' the town
Oh! Tick tock, you don't stop
To the... tick tock, you don't stop
To the...
tick tock, you don't stop
To the... tick tickety,
you don't quit
But do we gotta say it again?
Ain't nothin' going to change
What we got is lockdown
We run the game
and that's right
People wanna get on down
and get down
People wanna
let loose and let loose
But you know
that the beat is sick
You make me want to
get down with it
That's right,
straight running the game full stop
Third verse, catch it
fresh with the free flow
Hands up in the air,
put 'em up for my people
If you're still wondering about
the numbers that we sow
Just bought a house, motherfucker,
it's free ho
Not Lisa Loeb
but got the #1 single
Come a long way from
them radio jingles
Had to hustle and flow,
keep that on the d-low
Stay humble, showing off's
not in my "stilo"
We just sitting together now,
sittin' in the king's throne
Even got coated platinum
buttons on my ringtone
Producing and continuin' to jam,
bringing my team home
Peter Jackson can now
witness King Kong
Looking forward for daylight,
Chinese playing ping-pong
Laughing at the competition,
whacking at wind songs
Keep it poppin', I ain't stoppin',
won't be long
Ride it to the top
like I ain't even been gone
Tick tock, you don't stop
To the... tick tock, you don't stop
To the...
tick tock, you don't stop
To the... tick tickety,
you don't quit
But do we gotta say it again?
Ain't nothin' going to change
What we got is lockdown
We run the game
and that's right
People wanna get on down
and get down
People wanna
let loose and let loose
But you know
that the beat is sick
You make me want to
get down with it
That's right, straight running
the game full stop
Get get, uh, get, get down
Get get get get,
get down
Get get,
uh, get, get down
Get get, uh, get, get down
Oh, straight running the game
Full stop,
straight running the game
Full stop, straight running the game
Straight running the game,
straight running the game.
Yeah
How y'all feeling
out there tonight?
Hey, pretty lady
Let me touch your body,
let me touch your body
Rub it real good,
let me use my hands
Do it like I should
I like your frame, honey,
let's have a freak party
I know you like it naughty,
I know you like it naughty
Let me touch your body,
rub it real good
Let me use my hands,
do it like I should
I like your frame, honey,
let's have a freak party
I know you like it naughty,
I know you like it naughty
Look at that rack,
she's so stacked
The way she move her neck
make me want it back
Ordinary girl
and it ain't an act
Watch her back it up
like a Mack truck
And she act up,
how you doin', cutie?
Got me amped up,
Miss Cool Booty
I wanna touch your body,
do it real fresh
Make you feel good,
probably make you sweat
Let me touch your body,
rub it real good
Let me use my hands,
do it like I should
I like your frame, honey,
let's have a freak party
I know you like it naughty,
I know you like it naughty
Let me touch your body,
rub it real good
Let me use my hands,
do it like I should
I like your frame, honey,
let's have a freak party
I know you like it naughty,
I know you like it naughty
Ordinary girl,
yeah, you do it crazy
Undercover badge,
yeah, that's you, baby
You're from Costa Rica
and you smell exotic
Like a gin and tonic
before you get erotic
Yeah, I'm feeling buzzed,
do the booty shake
Yeah, that's what it was,
she don't never fake
She like her body touched,
it's a freak thing
Big Cali butt,
tiny G-string
Let me touch your body,
rub it real good
Let me use my hands,
do it like I should
I like your frame, honey,
let's have a freak party
I know you like it naughty,
I know you like it naughty
Let me touch your body,
rub it real good
Let me use my hands,
do it like I should
I like your frame, honey,
let's have a freak party
I know you like it naughty,
I know you like it naughty.