Stan & Ollie (2018) Movie Script

So, you'll never guess
who turned up yesterday.
Go on.
- Madelyn.
- Madelyn showed up?
Completely out of the blue.
I haven't seen her in 15 years.
And there she was,
standing on the doorstep,
all gussied up.
And that's a sight
I thought I'd never see again.
What did she want?
20,000 bucks.
20,000 bucks?
15 years of back alimony.
I said, "What alimony?
"When we split up, I gave you
whatever money we had,
"and you took the car.
We agreed, that was that."
Geez, not even Mae asked for that,
and she wanted me to pay
for a chauffeur.
It's because our pictures
are plastered all over town.
Probably some lawyer's bright idea.
Well, in any case, I haven't got it.
Myrtle cleaned me out when we split.
You been down to Tijuana?
Why you ask?
We had a few days off.
Well, as a matter of fact,
I did take a little trip down there
with Mysterious Montague,
trying to win some back.
Not entirely successfully,
Hey, when is your contract up?
We should ask for a little more money.
A little more?
Are you kidding?
Charlie, Buster, Harold,
they get ten times what Hal pays us.
Well, they own their own pictures.
That's what we're gonna do.
Hey, boys. How's it going?
We're going shark fishing.
Mr. Laurel doesn't know it yet,
but he's the bait.
Now, how are we gonna do that?
We're under contract.
We can't just change the terms.
Well, we stick together,
we renegotiate with Hal,
get a bigger slice of the pie.
If that doesn't work, then
we walk and set up on our own.
I don't know. I mean,
I'd love to own our pictures,
but it just doesn't seem
like the right time.
I've got a lot going on.
This overhead is killing me.
- Hi, Babe.
- Hello, girls.
Hey, guys, you're wanted on set.
Burgess, just the man.
Listen, take this to our friend.
Tell him I want it on Bold Venture,
the fourth race at Santa Anita,
on the nose.
There's something in there for you.
Would you do it right away, please?
- It's about to start.
- Okay. Thank you, Mr. Hardy.
You'll be fine, Babe.
Just lay off the horses
and don't get married again.
I didn't tell you.
- I proposed to Lucille.
- Scripty Lucille?
- Yes.
- Damn.
And she said yes.
That's great news, Babe.
She needs a head examining, but...
...great for you.
I'm never getting married again.
I'm just gonna find a woman I don't like
and buy her a house.
Ha. That's a good one.
Listen, I can't afford
to fool around with my income,
so don't antagonize Hal,
will you, please?
I don't like to talk about business.
Not when we're working.
I promise I'll be as nice as pie,
so long as he doesn't show up.
They're ready for us, girls.
What's this? Our rodeos are
getting a lot more interesting.
You know, I don't miss England
one little bit.
- Hello, girls.
- Hi.
By the way, I've chartered a sailboat
to Catalina this Saturday.
You want to come?
I-I gotta work on the gags
for the bar routine.
Be a lot of nice girls there.
Miss Myrna Loy will be
on board, among others.
Yeah, well, all right, maybe I'll come.
What are all these Romans doing here?
I don't know. Maybe there's
a sale at the Forum.
You've got a million of 'em, don't you?
Hey, Lucille, have
you got my sides over there?
- Right here, Mr. Horne.
- Thank you.
A sweet for my sweet.
Thank you, Babe.
Listen, let's not talk about leaving.
Let's just try to get ourselves a raise.
- Hey, Jimmie.
- Give you a raise?
He'd rather lower Hollywood,
and that's a Scotsman talking.
Going for a smoke.
That's it, Stan.
We're through.
I'm throwing the moral clause at you.
Morning, Hal.
Another fight at his place last night.
One of the neighbors sees
Ruthie sock him in the mouth,
so they call the cops.
She found out about Vera.
Yeah, it cost me 500 bucks
to keep it out of the papers,
and that's coming out of your paycheck.
You signed a contract not to
prejudice Hal Roach Studios.
Well, you know all about prejudice.
How's your pal Mussolini,
the one you were going to go
into business with
before he started bombing all
those poor people in Africa?
You see?
All he wants to do is fight.
What are you looking for, Stan?
I'm looking for a fair price
for a Laurel and Hardy picture,
and you know it.
Our pictures sell all around the world,
and we haven't got a dime.
That's because
you keep getting divorced!
No, it's because you're a cheapskate
who got rich off our backs.
- Come on, now, Stan.
- He is.
He's a cheapskate, a skinflint
and a... and a parvenu.
A parvenu?
He thinks, because my contract's up
and yours isn't, that I won't
be able to go anyplace else
and I'll have to take
what he's offering.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Mr. Roach?
What's a parvenu?
Well, it's-it's someone
who started out with nothing,
got rich but has no class.
Look it up in the dictionary, Hal.
There's a picture of you.
You think you're some sort of smart-ass?
Well, guess what.
I'm smarter.
Has he told you yet?
We're setting up on our own.
Hal, it might be best
if you could see your way
to a small raise.
You're setting up on your own?
Well, how about this?
Babe's still under contract with me,
and I ain't releasing him.
You can't have Hardy without Laurel.
Well, that's what you think.
Hal, could you maybe
continue this some other time?
Unless you want to pay
for an extra day, of course.
Go ahead, shoot.
Go ahead.
Okay, so we're on
a wide two-shot here, Stan,
just like you wanted.
Then I'm gonna pull back...
What are you checking with him for?
- Well...
- You're the director.
Next person you'll be
hearing from is my lawyer.
Positions, everyone.
Comedy Western.
Who came up with that smart idea?
Well, that went well.
So, who else is gonna be on this boat?
Clark Gable, some other people.
No, no, no. Women.
Carole Lombard.
She's friends with Myrna.
Okay, I'm gonna come.
All right, show's over.
Let's, roll sound.
- I said roll sound.
- Speed.
Roll camera.
- Ready, boys?
- Quiet, please.
"Way Out West," scene 12, take one.
What's after the curtseys?
After the curtseys,
knee bend, then turn and shake.
- Got it.
- Camera set.
Right, back projection.
Cue music.
And action!
...enfold her
A little bolder
Just work your shoulder
Snap your fingers
One and all
In the hall, at the ball
That's all
Some ball
Commence to dancing
Commence to prancing
Commence advancing
Right and left a-glancing
A moochee dancing
Slide and glide entrancing
You do the tango jiggle
With a Texas Tommy wiggle
Take your partner
And you hold her
Slightly enfold her
A little bolder
Just work your shoulder
Snap your fingers
One and all
In the hall, at the ball
That's all
Some ball
Commence to dancing
Commence to prancing
Commence advancing
Right and left a-glancing
A moochee dancing
Slide and glide entrancing
You do the tango jiggle
With a Texas Tommy wiggle
Take your partner
And you hold her
Slightly enfold her
A little bolder
Just work your shoulder
Snap your fingers
One and all
In the hall, at the ball
That's all
Some ball
- Oliver.
- Mr. Delfont.
- Stanley.
- Well, hello there.
- Welcome to England.
- Thank you.
- Welcome to Newcastle.
- Thank you.
Wonderful to see you.
How was your journey?
Well, you know, that train trip
sure takes it out of you, doesn't it?
Good, good, good, good, good.
We're delighted you've taken the trouble
to come and greet us, Mr. Delfont.
Please, call me Bernie.
I want to do everything
I possibly can to make sure
that this tour gets off
on the right foot.
Yes, well, that's something
we were hoping to discuss
with you over dinner, actually.
We're a little concerned
that some of the tour dates
are going to be in conflict
with the shooting dates
of this Robin Hood picture we're doing.
I would love to have dinner with you.
Unfortunately, due at
the theater in ten minutes.
One of my other acts.
Norman Wisdom.
Bright young talent.
And we must nurture
the young generation, gentlemen.
I know you both feel as passionately
about that as I do.
Anyway, get yourselves settled in.
Charming staff.
We shall speak anon.
- All righty.
- All right.
- Enjoy the show.
- I shall.
Stan, he does know
we're making a movie, right,
and we're doing this tour
while we're waiting
for things to come together?
Yeah, it's all been
spelled out, you know.
All been agreed up front, 110%.
Where'd you get that?
It's a...
I got it in a shop.
Like a beret, you can fold it up
and stick it in your pocket like that.
Well, here we are.
Well, we'll only be here one night.
Well, three.
Come on, Stan.
Let's get out of the rain.
Good evening, sir.
Now, can't you see
she's standing right there?
You don't need to ring that bell.
Good eve...
That wasn't me.
Please pardon my friend.
You just wait till
I tell me mam it's you.
We never get anybody
famous staying here.
To be honest,
I thought you'd retired.
No. No.
No, we're-we're...
we're getting older,
but we're not done yet.
Where are youse gonna
be appearing, then?
The Theatre Royal?
No, it's...
No, it's the Queen's Hall.
Queen's Hall?
That can't be right.
All the big stars perform
at the Theatre Royal.
That's where you'll be playing.
Well, I'm sure you're right.
Is it Theatre Royal?
No, it's just the Queen's Hall.
Right, here's your keys.
Thank you.
Now, is there a bellboy?
All right.
Most of you have realized
it's been a wet and windy day
in Northern England,
as it has been for quite some time...
My room in ten minutes?
Your room in ten minutes?
Yeah, we've gotta run those lines.
Sure, we're-we're almost done.
All right.
Yeah, I'll be right in.
What's the hotel like?
It's... like a castle.
Well, that's wonderful.
Everyone is so excited
about us touring again
that we're being treated like kings.
Well, Ida and I received
our tickets today,
so we're just as excited as can be.
And so am I.
So, how are things with Stanley?
you know Stan.
Well, how has he been towards you?
He... he's been good.
It's... it's complicated.
But we're just getting to know
each other again.
It's... it's good.
It's fine.
Are you sure Oliver
wants to do this, Stan?
I mean,
Fox would love to have you here, but...
It's what we've both
been waiting for, Joe.
I-I can't understand
what's holding him up.
He promised me he was finished
with Hal Roach Studios.
Babe, where have you been?
You had me worried for a minute there.
What the hell?
You're here now.
You're both here now.
Here we are.
Is this gonna be all right?
It's just a movie, Babe.
Mr. Hardy, when you touch
her knee with the mallet,
she'll lift her leg like
you're checking her reflexes.
All right.
Thank you.
Want to go for one, you two?
Ready when you are, Ollie.
Going to be great.
Thank you, dear.
You and Harry are just
gonna be great together.
- Roll sound.
- Sound speed.
- Okay, roll camera.
- Camera speed.
Mark it.
"Zenobia," scene 21, take one.
And... action!
Why don't we have Stanley sign?
Then all we have to do
is have Oliver sign when he gets here.
That's-that's a good idea, right, Joe?
Listen, we need to make sure
we're in a nicer hotel
once the girls get here.
Have you heard from Muffin?
Is that really his name?
Has he given you our shooting dates yet?
I'm waiting on a call, Ollie.
Hey, what do you think about
this as a title for the movie?
"Rob 'Em Good."
As a play on "Robin Hood."
Yeah, I like it.
I-I've been working on this scene.
You and I
break into the castle
to rescue Maid Marian.
Right? And we're hiding from
the guards behind a curtain.
Let me show you.
You're the guard, and,
turn your head away.
All right.
Okay, so you grab a sword.
Then you try and stab me
through the curtain.
Hold on there.
I have to get a sword.
- You see that I'm hiding.
- Yes.
You see by my feet I'm hiding,
so you stab at my head.
Well, you can't hide from me.
Now what?
And then you just
grab the drapes
and pull them apart and...
Is that funny?
Why you stay in guest house?
You should be in best hotel.
Beggars can't be choosers, can they?
Okay, then why you not play West End?
No, no, no, no.
I don't like this Delfont.
Ida, he booked the tour
for us, and we...
we didn't exactly have too many
other offers, now, did we?
And, anyway, we-we have
the movie to look forward to.
I guess the theater's
a little small, but that means
it'll be easier to sell out.
How is Oliver?
He pulling weight?
He's fine.
Hello? Ida?
- Stanley.
- Thank goodness for that.
Thought I'd lost you.
Honey, I'm-I'm all out
of change. I gotta go.
Okay, you hang up first.
No, no. You.
Three. One. Two.
Three. I love you!
I love you.
Hello, Ollie.
I didn't expect to see you here today.
Well, I didn't have
anything better to do... I thought I'd come and see you.
Thank you.
What have you got there?
I brought you some
hard-boiled eggs and some nuts.
Now, you know
I can't eat hard-boiled eggs and nuts.
If you wanted to bring me something,
why didn't you bring me a box of candy?
Well, you still haven't paid me
for the last box I brought you.
Hard-boiled eggs and nuts.
What's going on out there
with all those empty seats?
H-How's your knee?
It hurts.
Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you so very kindly.
We hope you've enjoyed our
little bit of fun here tonight.
We certainly have enjoyed ourselves.
Pretty empty last night.
Pretty empty?
Could have invited the entire
audience back to our hotel,
and there would have been
plenty of room.
Listen, we have to make sure
Muffin doesn't come
until these houses pick up.
We don't want him getting
cold feet about the movie.
Well, then I won't invite him
until we get to London.
All right.
You got it?
Yeah, I got it.
What time's our train?
What time is it now?
Hold this.
Do we really need that trunk?
How about I just punch you
right on the nose?
I haven't done that for a long time.
Can I poke you in the eye?
You could wring my neck.
I think I'd rather poke you in the eye.
It's simple.
Yeah, but if you wring my neck,
I can do that thing with my tongue.
You know, I don't know if my knees
are gonna hold out for this.
That's all right.
We'll just finish with a song
instead of the dance.
No, I don't mean the tour.
I mean this scene in the movie
where I fall into the river.
But that's historical,
you-you know. It's famous.
Robin Hood has a fight
on the middle of the log.
We-we gotta do that.
It's a made-up story.
It's not historical.
All right, look, all I can say
is I'll do the best I can.
Tell you what, I'll have a word
with the producer, Miffin.
I'm sure he can cut round you
when we...
when we shoot the picture.
Maybe I will wring your neck.
Mr. Miffin, please.
It's Stan Laurel.
That's right.
That... well, that's
very kind of you to say.
I'm afraid Mr. Hardy's,
indisposed right now.
He's working in a Swiss cheese factory.
He got the job putting the holes in.
S-So, Mr. Miffin?
Is he? All right.
Well, he-he sure does
take a lot of meetings.
It's just that I need to confirm a date
for him to come and see
our show in London.
All right, no, well, I'll-I'll
call again another time.
Thank you.
How's Ida?
She's fine. You know.
She says she's really looking forward
to seeing you and Lucille again.
Very much.
I got you something.
Here, hold onto this.
How do I look?
You look swell.
We're two peas in a pod.
We just want to know
who's playing Laurel and Hardy, please.
They're playing themselves.
Who are?
Laurel and Hardy, here in person.
The poster says,
they're-they're here in person.
But they've been retired for years.
They're playing themselves.
Good afternoon, folks.
Look, Mammy.
Ma'am, I-if you're buying tickets,
tell them you're friends of ours.
He'll charge you extra.
Two seats, front row.
Shine on
Shine on, harvest moon
Up in the sky
I ain't had no loving
Since January
April, June or July
Snow time ain't no time
To stay outdoors and spoon
So shine on
Shine on, harvest moon
For me and my gal
The eternal mysteries
of Scottish cuisine.
Ever had haggis, Oliver?
Now, then, gentlemen,
can I just say, terrific show.
Absolutely terrific.
Thank you. Yeah.
Thank you.
I couldn't be happier.
Well, let me tell you.
We're going to be working
on some new material.
Right, Stan?
Yeah, we have a double-door routine,
set in a railway station,
and when Babe's leg is better,
we're gonna reintroduce
the dance routine.
Yes, I think
that will all help enormously.
Double-door routine...
audiences will love that.
How do you feel about
the size of the audiences?
To be honest, I've been
a little disappointed.
And I think it's because of
all these small theaters
we've been playing.
Yes, and I am absolutely
furious about that.
All due respect, Bernard,
you picked them.
Now, I-I don't know what happened
with the larger theaters
we were talking about...
Well, they said they were all booked up.
Yeah, by Norman Wisdom.
Isn't he one of your acts?
Boys, the last thing I want
to do is start canceling shows.
Wait, wait. Who's talking
about canceling shows?
Not me.
Well, we've only been at it a week.
Yeah, wh-when do you plan
to finish this tour?
Well, if we wrap things up
before we get to London,
that would give us
another ten shows or so.
And with a bit of a push, you know,
final shows, that sort of thing,
we should be able to go out with a bang.
In Hull.
No. Wait, no.
We have this movie producer
coming to our show in London in a month.
Isn't that right, Stan?
That's right.
And Ida and Lucille,
they're flying over.
We can't finish the show before London.
Bernard, we've been clear
that the only reason
we were doing this tour
was so we could pull that
Robin Hood picture together.
That's right.
Boys, boys, I know
you're peeved, but could I
just say, I am furious.
I mean, they said, "People don't come
to the theater anymore."
They said, "They just stay at home
"watching their new
television sets, or they go
"and watch Laurel and Hardy reruns
at the local picture house."
We don't get paid
for those reruns, you know?
That's what I said,
and then they said, "Could you persuade
"Stan and Ollie to do some publicity
in order to turn the tour around?"
And I said, "If you think
"that I'm gonna ask Laurel and Hardy
"to do some publicity stunts,
then you, my friend,
are sorely mistaken."
Hold on.
Hold on, now.
We could do that, couldn't we, Stan?
Sure, if you feel up to it, Babe.
It would mean a very large amount
of extra work for you both,
making public appearances,
shop openings,
meeting local dignitaries,
so on and so forth.
Would there be any more money?
They said no.
Who is "they"?
The worst kind.
Wait, I-I thought you were in charge.
So did I.
All right, we'll do it.
Well, I've told the press
and the newsreel boys
that there'll be a welcoming
committee in Carlisle.
Lord Mayor will be there.
He's desperate to see you.
He is a huge fan.
I'll make some calls.
Nothing new about a couple of funnymen
making personal appearances.
When Laurel and Hardy do it,
you can expect complications.
But even at a moment like this,
trouble just seems
to follow them around.
What's the matter?
My head hurts.
I'll get a doctor.
Never mind the doctor.
Just get my glass of water.
It certainly is.
Sorry to bother you, chaps.
Mr. Delfont would like to speak to you.
Any last words?
Evening, gentlemen.
If it's, all right with you,
I'd quite like to have
a discussion about...
where we go from here.
Let me guess.
Back to America?
That was...
It was pure magic.
It was brilliant.
And ticket sales have improved
over the last week so much,
mainly due to your efforts,
we've sold out almost everywhere.
What about London?
Well, not only are we going to London,
but so many people
want to come see the show
that I've had to look
for a bigger theater.
So I've, I've booked
the Lyceum for two weeks.
We're guaranteed to sell it out.
That's-that's over 2,000 seats.
Do you know, it's moments like this
that make me love this industry.
It's beautiful madness.
And it's not about the money.
It is not about the money.
I swear on...
Well, I swear on both your lives.
You both feeling all right?
that's pretty good, yeah.
Yeah, leave the jokes to us.
All right.
Seriously, though,
it's a very special evening.
Thank you, Bernie.
Thank you.
Well, that went well.
It certainly did.
So, you're on the log with Robin Hood,
and he asks you what you want
to see him about,
and then you say...
"We're going to give him
a piece of my mind."
"We certainly are."
"We'd give him a piece of his, too,
but he doesn't have any to spare."
Yeah, that's a nice line.
Have you reached this Muffin fella yet?
I mean, I'm enjoying
how the show's going,
but it's the movie
we're doing it for, isn't it?
Well, that's right, the...
you know, one thing leads to another.
Well, I sure hope so.
Not exactly spring chickens
anymore, are we?
London terminus, next and final stop.
All change.
Well, here we are.
There it is, the Eiffel Tower.
Here we are.
That's the one.
Look at that. That's wonderful.
It's-it's a beautiful piece, sir.
Mr. Laurel not with you today?
No, he got himself a new
job mending broken biscuits.
I think it's wonderful
you're still going.
Well, rigor mortis has not set in yet.
Sir, he's ready to see you now.
If you'd like to come along with me...
Thank you.
Good morning.
I'm here to see Mr. Miffin.
And your name, please?
Mr. Laurel.
Do you have an appointment, Mr. Lauren?
Well, no, we keep missing
each other on the telephone,
so I thought if I dropped by,
that'd be the easiest thing.
'Cause he's not here right now.
Well, I can wait.
I think I-I've been speaking
to a different girl on...
on the telephone about this.
I've been speaking to her
for quite some time.
She's left.
Has she?
You sure you want to wait?
He might be quite a while.
Well, I'm here now, aren't I?
Take a seat over there, Mr. Lauren.
I'll let his office
know that you're here.
There's a gentleman here
says his name's Mr. Lauren.
You know, now that
I see these two together,
I-I almost prefer this one.
It's our finest bracelet.
My wife is coming in from America today.
It'll be a gift for her.
350 pounds.
Let me just double-check
something real quick here.
I wonder if you could
hold onto this for me.
I-I seem to have brought
the wrong wallet with me.
So I'll just tootle back to the hotel
and be right back tout de suite.
Of course, sir.
Hello, Raymond?
Well, I was wondering
if you could speak to your man
and place a bet for me.
Well, I'll tell you.
It's Hometown Boy at Kempton,
the 2:30, five to one.
let-let's make it 60.
60 pounds on the nose.
Can I help you?
Sorry. I have asked you to wait.
Please, you're not allowed in there!
Miss Clarke!
Mr. Lauren's in Mr. Miffin's office!
You're here to see Mr. Miffin?
Yes, I'm sorry...
yes, I am.
I'm his production executive,
Cynthia Clarke.
Hello, Cynthia.
Mr. Miffin is still detained,
but I've just spoken to him
on the telephone,
and he wanted me to explain
the situation to you.
He says he's sorry, but he's been unable
to raise the finance needed
to proceed with the film.
I-I see.
He said he made it clear
in a cable he sent to you
before you left the United States
that all the finance wasn't in place.
Yes, well, I thought he'd
have it all lined up by now.
He wanted you to know that
he did everything he could
to bring the project together,
but he feels sure you'll understand
that the market is very
challenging at the moment
and it simply wasn't possible.
Yes, well... thank you.
Thank you for your time.
Get "The Sporting Times."
"The Sporting Times," please.
There you are.
Thank you.
Get "The Sporting Times."
Bye-bye, now, kids.
What's all this here?
All right, gents.
Hi, boys.
Good afternoon, Mr. Hardy.
Delfont's idea.
He... he thought that the girls arriving
would be a good excuse
for some free publicity.
I'm really looking forward
to seeing them.
I've been counting the days.
46. Since we got here.
46 days.
Who counts from 46?
I was missing her.
Hey, I've been thinking.
We don't need to tell the girls
about everything
we've been doing, do we?
I don't want to mention
these personal appearances
and the drinking.
No, th-there's no sense
in getting them all worked up.
We'll just talk about how well
the tour's going and the movie.
Sure, and the movie.
Hey, if the car pulls up here,
do you think we could do
the door routine?
You just never stop, do you?
Ooh, here they are.
Here they are. Okay.
There she is. Aw.
Hey, sweetie pie.
Hi, Stan. Hello.
Hey, girls, will you both
get out this side?
I've got something I want you to do.
Of course, darling.
I give them my good side.
No, Stanley, we just got here.
Come on, girls....
Comedy duo Laurel and Hardy
were joined in London
this week by their wives.
But even in a simple situation
like this,
trouble has a habit
of following them around.
Oliver Hardy, Bachelor of Arts,
always seems to have things
under control.
But somehow, things
never quite work out that way.
Yes, they're reunited again,
and now everyone can start
making up for lost time.
Well, I hope they got all that.
It's fine.
It'll get a laugh.
Well, I'm awfully glad about that, boys,
but it would have been nice
to say hello to my husband
without immediately being
pressed into one of your skits.
It was just small fun.
Is that what it was, Ida?
Don't be cross, angel.
Who knows?
Maybe you'll get discovered.
They could say, "She ought to
be in pictures."
No. No, no, no,
I don't...
I don't think so, no.
Oliver, can we visit the Tower of London
and Saint Paul's?
And Harrods?
Of course.
And Buckingham Palace,
where that darling new queen lives.
Of course, angel.
You can visit anywhere you like.
No, no, no, Winter Palace
in Saint Petersburg.
This is palace.
The Buckingham
is little doghouse.
We have been
counting the days until you got here.
All 46 of them.
Did you know it was 46, Stan?
How's the movie coming along, Stanley?
it's all set up
for when we finish the tour.
There's this producer fella
named Muffin.
And, Stan has rewritten his script.
Oliver, that's enough salt.
You know it's bad
for your blood pressure.
Sorry, angel, just a force of habit.
Anyway, this producer is set to come by
and see the show sometime next week.
Isn't that right, Stan?
Yeah, he said he'd-he'd try
and get along..
Stan has been taking
wonderful care of me
and making sure that Daddy
takes all of his tablets.
Has he been taking
the blue ones, Stanley?
Blue ones? I... I've been
giving him green ones.
Green? My goodness.
Oliver, what are they?
He's kidding.
Well, I'm not finding that funny.
I was dancer. Yes?
I dance for Preston Sturges.
I dance for Harold Lloyd.
Really, Ida?
You've never mentioned this before.
When my knee hurt, what I do?
I dance some more, yes?
I go faster, I jump high,
and hurt go away.
I forget pain,
because pain is only
in your mind, Oliver.
It's not in his mind, Ida.
It's in his knee.
And there's no way that you
can do the scene in this movie
where you fall into the river.
I've been telling her about the script.
Director can use double.
That's what I told her.
Preston Sturges use double.
And it's okay for Babe
to sit about in a river all day,
is it, catching his death of cold?
I mean, honestly, Stanley, come on.
Why you say Stanley?
Anyway, show must go on, yes?
And don't worry about
river jump. It's easy as cake.
Easy as pie.
Yeah, it's-it's a piece of cake.
That's what I say.
What do you see
in a fat old man like me?
Hey, you, that's my husband
you're talking about.
I love you, and you can't stop me.
Well, all right.
How was the trip over with Ida?
You know Ida.
When she gets something in her head,
she won't let it go
till she's worried it to death,
and God forbid anyone should raise
the slightest criticism of Stanley.
She's a real piece of work.
Has he been pushing you
a little too hard, Babe?
I mean, it is a bit more difficult
than I thought it might be, but...
the show must go on.
I think she wear pants
in Hardy house, no?
Oliver is like cat
on hot roof with Lucille.
Babe's been like that
with all his wives.
He runs round after them,
jumping up and down,
trying to please them.
You can learn this?
She's been good for him,
considering the state he was in.
The state we were both in.
But now we don't drink
and we don't smoke,
and we're very happy.
He should say thank you to you
for all you do for him.
You could have long time ago
said, "Goodbye, Oliver."
That's all in the past,
and it's where it should stay.
Thank you.
You crazy.
Send it back.
I don't wanna drink it.
I just wanna smell it.
No, it's bad for diabetes.
Now you can't drink.
I don't want to lose you, Stanley.
And to think nobody knows
that you're really a man.
Would you like me to arrange
you tickets for Norman Wisdom?
I don't know who that is.
One of the comic minds
of our generation.
Well, that's wonderful.
I'll speak to Oliver.
Yea high, cap. After you.
Thank you..
No, no, no. No, no.
No, I don't wanna sit next to him.
- Hello. Hello.
- Evening.
Sold out. Wonderful.
Huge box office.
They sold a lot of tickets, Ida.
On a mountain
In Virginia
Stands a lonesome pine
Just below
Is the cabin home
Of a little girl of mine
Her name is June
And very, very soon
She'll belong to me
For I know
She's waiting there for me
'Neath that
Lone pine tree
In the
Blue Ridge Mountains
Of Virginia
On the trail
Of the lonesome pine
In the pale moonshine
Our hearts entwine
Where she carved her name
And I carved mine
June, June
Just like the mountains
I'm blue
Like the pine
I am lonesome for you
Ooh, ooh, ooh...
In the
Blue Ridge Mountains
of Virginia
On the trail
Of the lonesome pine
In the Blue Ridge Mountains
Of Virginia
On the trail
Of the lonesome pine
In the pale moonshine
Our hearts entwine
Where she carved her name
And I carved mine
Just like the mountains
I'm blue
Like the pine
I am lonesome for you
In the
Blue Ridge Mountains
Of Virginia
On the trail
Of the lonesome pine
I wonder when the boys will be up.
Why don't you ask someone
to go get them?
Well, he seems a little preoccupied
with his fancy friends.
Come, we stand like lemon?
Ladies, I was just on my way over.
Mrs. Laurel and Mrs. Hardy,
may I introduce Lord and Lady Warley
and Mr. and Mrs.
Good evening.
Such a wonderful reception,
isn't it, Ida?
It's okay.
Did you enjoy the show?
Yes, very good.
Stuff and nonsense, wasn't it?
Well, Mr. Delfont, he told us that...
I have many offer
to perform on London stage,
but Hollywood call me.
So you're a bit of
an actress yourself, are you?
More of a dancer, really, with
a very high pain threshold.
I make film with, Preston Sturges and,
Harold Lloyd.
Harold Lloyd.
No time for London stage.
No, and I'm sure the London stage
has been kicking itself all these years.
We have to find our boys.
Excuse me.
Two double acts for the price of one.
This line that Robin Hood has
about stealing from the rich
and giving to the poor,
th-there's a gag there
somewhere, isn't there?
Babe, the girls are gonna be
waiting for us downstairs.
Delfont wants us to meet
these people from his charity.
No, never mind about them.
They're not going anywhere.
We just need to work through
this just a little bit more.
Hey, when is Muffin
coming to see the show?
He didn't say.
He should have been here
tonight. Went big tonight.
That was a crackerjack, wasn't it?
It was.
All right, all right,
how-how about this?
How about we tell Robin Hood,
"You've got it all wrong.
"You ought to steal from the poor
and give it to the rich."
No, that's not...
Like that.
That's not right.
Well, what is it?
Well, all-all right, okay.
You've got something...
Okay, how about this?
Okay, I tap you
on the shoulder, and I say...
"Ollie, I got an idea.
"How about we-we give to the poor
"by stealing from the poor?
That way, we cut out the middleman."
That's it.
That's it.
All right.
Stealing from the rich
to give to the poor.
Whoever heard of such a ridiculous idea?
Well, it's communism.
Stanley, he is not
gonna fall into that river.
The script says I fall in the river,
that's what I have to do.
No, Oliver.
It's historical, right, Stan?
It is, yes.
I can't believe we have
to see all these people.
I just want to take a bath.
Yeah, I want you to take a bath.
There you are.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Stan Laurel
and Mr. Oliver Hardy.
No, I-I don't want any.
Thank you, no.
I got a great thing going here.
The... the more I drink,
the drunker she gets.
Do loosen up, angel.
Yes, loosen.
This movie could be big break for boys.
A big break?
Oliver is 61 years old.
He's made 150 films, Ida.
Please tell me, how can they be
a matter of weeks away from
making this movie, Stanley,
and still not have
any shooting dates confirmed?
I mean, this is just such
a ridiculous situation.
It may be ridiculous,
but situation's not Stanley's fault.
- Honey, that's...
- What?
Please, w-we're here
to have a nice time.
Well, whose fault is it, then, Ida?
What are you trying to insinuate?
Come on, now.
No. No, no, no.
I'd like to know how this nutty tour...
which, let's face it,
they're doing for the money...
has anything to do with Oliver.
Because Oliver make elephant film.
May I present two huge fans of yours,
Lord Angus and Lady Mary Warley.
Ladies, I'm being
the most terrible host.
Shall we sample the delights
of the buffet?
My wife loves your films.
I-I don't really watch them myself.
I remember one about a piano.
You two had to push it up some stairs.
Have you seen that one?
It's very good.
They had to push this piano
up to the top of the stairs,
and it was a long way?
And you got it up
to the top of the stairs,
and the bloody thing came sliding
all the way down to the bottom again.
And you two had to push it
all the way back up.
I know. I was there.
And would you believe,
it only rolled all the way down again.
Yes, that's what happened.
Was the piano damaged?
It was a prop.
No, it was a...
Would you please excuse us for a moment?
J-Just one moment.
That was painful.
What was that Ida just said
about the elephant film?
You're not still
carrying that around, are you?
No, it was just...
you know, I like to
let off steam now
and again, but she's...
she didn't know what she was saying.
You think this is all my fault
because I went ahead and did a picture
with someone else 16 years ago?
Is that what you think?
You weren't there anymore.
You left the studio.
I was fired.
Because you were
a pain in the ass, Stan.
You refused to negotiate with Hal.
I was still under contract,
so I had to do that picture without you.
Well, that's...
that's not how I see it.
And how do you see it, Stan?
Well, if we're laying
all our cards on the table,
the-the only reason
we're in this situation now
is because when I was trying
to get a better deal from Hal,
you were nowhere to be seen.
I had no choice, and you know it.
I was broke.
You had a choice.
You chose to be down at the-the
country club or the racetrack.
We had a good thing going with Hal,
but you had this big chip
on your shoulder
because you weren't
being treated like Chaplin.
You're damn right.
And you didn't have the guts
to ask for the deal that we deserved.
I'm getting a drink.
But, look, Ida, I don't want to fight.
I just want to do what's best for Babe.
Oliver agreed to tour, no?
Well, yes, he did. He did.
Okay, so life is not easy.
It never ever come on dinner plate.
Are you implying that Oliver
and I aren't hard-working?
You live in Hollywood.
So do you and Stan.
No, no, no, no, no.
I may live in Hollywood,
but I am not Hollywood.
Ida, you are the epitome of Hollywood.
Don't you pity me.
I work my entire life to get where I am.
Well, hey, I had a job.
Yeah, poo-poo, script lady.
Well, how's your
acting career these days?
If you're accusing me
of trying to get along with
people, well, then I'm guilty.
I'm an actor.
I do like people to like me.
I want people to hire me.
Sure, you wouldn't say "boo" to a goose.
Everybody loves Babe.
Come and play a round with Babe.
While I'm sleeping on a couch
in the editing suite.
Well, that's how you wanted it.
You cared about those things.
I didn't.
Well, you can't have, or you wouldn't
have gone off to work
with somebody else.
I-I couldn't sleep for days
when they told me what you did.
And I couldn't sleep when I did it.
But you still did it.
You betrayed me,
betrayed our friendship.
We're friends because Hal Roach
put us together,
and the only reason we stayed together
was because the audience wanted it.
I have real friends.
And yes, we play golf,
and we go to ball games,
and we have sauerkraut on our bratwurst.
People will remember our movies
long after you've finished your hot dog.
You know something,
you're just a lazy ass
who got lucky 'cause you met me.
To spend my life with a hollow man
who hides behind his typewriter?
You're not real, Stan.
You're hollow.
You're empty.
I loved us.
You loved Laurel and Hardy,
but you never loved me.
So what?
Was that funny?
What are you gonna say to him?
There's nothing to say.
Oliver, I would go to
the ends of the earth for you,
I would do anything for you,
but I won't stand by
and watch this lifestyle of
yours put you in a wooden box.
There, I've said it.
I'm sorry, but it's true.
You know what?
You're absolutely right.
Just as soon as we're finished up here,
that's it.
I'm through with him.
Once and for all.
Shh. Babe.
Good morning.
Your taxi's outside, Mr. Laurel.
Have you seen Mr. Hardy at all?
He left about 15 minutes ago, sir.
Thank you.
There you are.
Welcome to Worthing, gentlemen.
Can I get you anything?
If you don't mind,
I would love a cup of tea, please.
Of course.
I'll do it.
I'd rather you made my cup of tea,
if that's all right.
Of course.
Thank you.
How do you take it?
Milk, four sugars.
Milk and four sugars, please.
Of course.
Thank you very kindly.
Well, I think it's amazing
that you two are still going strong,
still using the same old material.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I, wanted to tell you something.
So, I was talking to this fella
about, about eggs.
I know you like your eggs.
And, he said they get a powder
to supplement the government ration.
You get a packet a month,
same as a dozen eggs.
Doesn't taste too good, but,
you can make an omelet with it.
That's what he said.
Stan, I have nothing to say.
Well, I've got nothing
to say to you, too.
And you can ignore what I just said,
because I won't be repeating it.
Right. Enough bits.
Forget it.
To present the crown
to the winner of
the Bathing Beauty Contest,
Mr. Laurel and Mr. Hardy.
Thank you.
Aren't-aren't they...
aren't they beautiful?
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Hardy and myself
would like to thank you
for such a warm, warm welcome
we've received here
from everyone in-in Worthing,
our favorite seaside town.
And, really,
I-I suppose all that remains
is for me to put this lovely tiara crown
on our beautiful winner.
Will you... will you quit
sulking and get up here?
And the winner...
Babe, you're not...
Babe, Babe, what happened?
You all right?
What's going on?
What's going on, buddy?
Someone turned out the lights.
Talk to me.
Excuse me, ma'am.
This is so stupid.
Here, 430.
I've got my key here somewhere.
He had-had a funny turn.
My goodness.
What happened?
Well, we were about to go onstage,
and he said he wasn't feeling well,
and he sort of collapsed.
Collapsed? No, I need to get
a doctor right now.
No doctor.
I got him here as fast as I could.
You should have taken him
to the hospital.
Look at the state he's in.
I tried.
Yes, hello.
This is Mrs. Hardy in room 430.
Now, I need a doctor to attend
to my husband right away, please.
Mr. Oliver Hardy.
Don't worry, I'm fine.
My goodness, please hurry up.
I'm so sorry, Lucille.
Thank you, Stan.
I'll take it from here.
It's fine. Don't worry.
You hang up.
Goodness, why are they taking so long?
Hang up.
My goodness, please hurry up.
Yes, I already told you...
Lucille won't let anybody near him.
We can't expect him back anytime soon?
I-I don't think so.
The advance London bookings
are very strong.
Everyone wants to see you.
Show's a huge success.
It's not Babe's fault that he got sick.
No, of course not.
Of course not.
Stanley, am I right in thinking
that before you teamed up with Oliver,
you used to work with other partners?
Well, yes, when I was in vaudeville,
I-I worked with lots
of different partners.
Of course, Charlie Chaplin was one.
But th-these were very fleeting...
And, of course,
Oliver made his elephant film
with a different partner.
Well, what's that got to do
with anything?
I don't know.
Random thought.
There's a, there's a very popular
double act here called Cook and Baker.
Cook is basically Hardy
to Baker's Laurel,
if you see what I mean.
And I was just wondering
whether you might consider
doing a couple of shows with Nobby Cook,
just to keep the seats full
until Oliver can return.
Go on without Babe?
Well, something to mull over, anyway.
After all, those sausages
don't pay for themselves.
Hi, Stan.
Please don't tire him out.
Hello, Ollie.
I didn't expect to see you here today.
I got you something.
Laid 'em myself.
I had to go down to the kitchen
to see if they had any spare.
Three shillings each, they cost me.
Thank you, Stan.
I'll have one now, if I may.
You know, Lucille didn't have to go.
She could have stayed.
I mean, that-that argument we had
the other night, that was
just... it was so silly.
It was... it was a-about nothing.
just nothing.
Babe, I-I wanted to talk to you...
I'm retiring.
The doctors told me
I can't continue with the tour,
and I have promised Lucille I won't.
So I'm retiring, Stan.
I've promised Lucille, and that's that.
I'm sorry.
I should never have
had us take this tour.
Well, je ne regrette rien.
And you shouldn't
regrette rien, either .
Can't you just rest until you're better,
and then, you know,
we could start again?
They say my heart won't take it.
So I'm going home
just as soon as we can
arrange the crossing.
You're retiring.
So, what have you been working on?
What new scenes for the movie
have you been working on?
Nothing, really.
I haven't seen you for two days,
and you're trying to tell me
you haven't been working
on new material in that time?
Come on, then, out with it.
Well, I did have this idea
for a... a romantic scene
where you're pining for Maid Marian,
but she's holed up in a castle
with the Sheriff of Nottingham.
Then we hear
this sad violin music,
and you start to cry;
you can't handle it.
And, of course, you're...
you're bawling your eyes out,
the tears are bouncing off your cheeks,
but I'm not upset at all, you know,
and I-I don't know what to do.
And, and-and then suddenly,
I-I think, "I know.
"I'll-I'll get this potted plant,
and I'll put it underneath you."
You know, so at least...
at least there'll be something
to catch the tears
and give the plant... plant a watering.
But then the plant just starts
growing like crazy, you know.
I'll get the prop boys
to rig me up the tears
so they're like little waterfalls.
That's right.
That'll be a riot.
That'll... that's great, Stan.
That'll go big.
Would you do me a favor?
Will you pull this blanket up on me?
I just can't seem to get warm.
My goodness, your hands are like ice.
That better?
So, have you talked to Delfont?
I spoke to him this morning.
What did he say?
Well, he... he didn't know
you were retiring, of course,
but he asked me, since you were sick,
if I wouldn't mind carrying on
the show with somebody else.
An English comedian called Nobby Cook.
Well, that makes sense.
It's for the best, Stan.
Maybe it is.
Well, that's settled, then.
I'm retiring, and you're
going on with a new partner.
That's it.
The other night,
those things you said...
did you mean them?
Did you?
Stanley, may I introduce to you
Mr. Nobby Cook,
one of our finest music hall comedians.
Very pleased to meet you, Nobby.
I've heard a lot
of great things about you.
Mr. Laurel, I'm a big fan of yours.
I've seen all your films.
We'll have none of that.
You're Nobby. I'm Stanley.
I'm looking forward
to rolling my sleeves up
and getting to work with you.
Thank you very much.
It's very nice of you to say so.
You two are gonna be
absolutely terrific together.
Wonderful rapport.
I'm laughing already.
Dare we attempt a run-through?
If you like.
I-I mean, it's up to Stan.
Well, I can go off, come on again
and take it from the top.
That'll be great.
Good idea.
Belting, this, Stan?
Guaranteed laughs.
What have you got there?
Hard-boiled eggs and nuts?
Hard-boiled eggs and nuts?
Don't be so daft.
What's the matter with you?
I can't eat that.
Okay, and cue Stanley.
Isn't this so much nicer, Babe?
All the worry gone.
Just you and I relaxing together.
I spoke to Mother today,
and she passes on her love.
And what, pray you,
has Robin Hood done
to inspire such wrath?
Well, we've heard that he steals
from the poor to give to the rich.
Isn't that right, Stan?
It certainly is.
He's got the whole thing
the wrong way round.
Our idea, you see,
is to give to the poor
by stealing from the poor,
thereby cutting out the middleman.
And the rich need never
be any the wiser.
Here's another nice mess
you've gotten me into.
How's that for you, Mr. Cook?
Ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seats,
as tonight's performance
with Mr. Stan Laurel and Mr. Nobby Cook
is about to commence.
Laurel and Cook.
Enormously exciting.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm afraid that, due to circumstances
beyond our control,
tonight's performance
has been canceled.
What's going on?
Tickets can be
redeemed at the box office.
You know, when you watch our movies,
nobody else in the stories knows us,
and we don't know anybody, either.
It was just the two of us.
All we had was each other.
It was just the way we wanted it.
I love him, Ida.
We go home?
Don't tell Babe.
Tell him I'm going to continue
with the dates in Ireland.
It would upset him to think
about me canceling the tour.
The doctor thinks
you should be well enough
to travel tomorrow, which is wonderful.
Now, I'm gonna go down
and see if there's any mail,
and then the Laurels will be stopping by
to say goodbye
before they go to Ireland.
I do hope it's not gonna rain today.
When that wind gets up,
the chill cuts
right through to the bone.
I won't be long, Babe.
Hurry back.
Mr. Hardy,
I believe you suffered
a mild heart attack today.
I also believe there is some
evidence of congestive failure.
Dear God, I knew it.
Well, I think it's amazing
that you two are still going strong.
I think it's wonderful
you're still going.
All me family love your films.
I suggest you go home
as soon as you possibly can
to seek specialist treatment.
You just wait till
I tell me mam it's you.
My wife loves your films.
You cannot possibly go onstage again
in your current condition.
One of the bellboys down there...
Raymond, I think his name was...
said to tell you
he had a good tip for you on a horse.
Have you been gambling, Oliver Hardy?
Darling, you have money for bellboy?
Answer, please.
I powder nose.
And give him
five shillings only, no more.
I'm only supposed to give you
a couple of...
You're not leaving, are you, Stan?
We've got some shows to do.
I think we should all get
below now, out of this cold.
Darling, I agree.
Oliver, will you at least
listen to me about this?
Or are you determined
to catch pneumonia?
I'm enjoying the fresh air, honey.
Stan, why don't you come sit here?
You girls go ahead if you're cold.
All right.
Come on, Ida.
I'll bring him down.
Come, we go.
Thought you might want this back.
I lied to you, Babe.
What do you mean?
There is no movie.
Miffin told me two weeks ago
it had fallen through.
I guess people just don't want to see
Laurel and Hardy pictures anymore.
if I'd told you straightaway, then...
maybe we could have
finished the tour early
and you wouldn't have gotten sick.
You knew two weeks ago
there was no movie?
Yes, and I've been feeling
terrible about it.
I knew.
You knew?
I knew.
Well, why didn't you tell me you knew?
I thought you already knew I knew.
How could I know that you knew I knew?
What would my line be here?
Well, "Now I know you knew,
but I thought you knew I knew,
but you were pretending
not to know I knew."
Thank you.
Wait, if we both knew,
why did we keep rehearsing the movie?
What else are we gonna do?
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Hello. Hello.
Thank you. I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry. Good evening.
Good evening.
My goodness.
Thank you very much.
Yes. Thank you so much.
Good evening.
No, no, no.
No. No, no, no.
That's fine. That's fine.
Good evening.
My goodness, I'm a little nervous.
Don't be.
They'll be sensational.
Can I get you anything?
No touching.
Hard-boiled eggs and nuts.
You look tired, Babe.
You look real tired.
Why don't we just go out there
and, skip the song, say good night
and we can finish there?
I'm fine.
It was fun while it lasted,
wasn't it, Stan?
I'll miss us when we're gone.
So will you.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you.
We hope you've enjoyed
our bit of fun tonight.
We've certainly enjoyed
ourselves, haven't we, Stanley?
We certainly have.
Well, we'd like to finish now
with a little dance.
Maestro, if you would be so kind.
You sure?
Yes, I'm sure. I can do it.
Commence to dancing
Commence to prancing
Commence advancing
Right and left a-glancing
A moochee dancing
Slide and glide entrancing
You do the tango jiggle
With a Texas Tommy wiggle
Take your partner
And you hold her
Slightly enfold her
A little bolder
Just work your shoulder
Snap your fingers
One and all
In the hall, at the ball
That's all
Some ball
Commence to dancing
Commence to prancing
Commence advancing
Right and left a-glancing
A moochee dancing
Slide and glide entrancing
You do the tango jiggle
With a Texas Tommy wiggle
Take your partner
And you hold her
Slightly enfold her
A little bolder
Just work your shoulder
Snap your fingers
One and all
In the hall, at the ball
That's all
Some ball