Stand Out: An LGBTQ+ Celebration (2022) Movie Script

1
Hello, Los Angeles!
Are you all ready to make history?
Welcome to Stand Out.
For the first time ever,
your favorite LGBTQ legends
and rising stars perform on the same stage
for one unforgettable
super gay night of comedy.
Please welcome tonight's host,
Billy Eichner!
Good evening, Los Angeles!
Can we hear it
for this incredible historic cast?
Welcome to Stand Out: A Celebration
of LGBTQ Comedy.
This is a historic night.
I am so excited to be here.
There are so many queer
people here tonight.
Right?
Thousands of queer people out there
and on stage.
All it would take is one
unexpected mudslide
and there'd be
no one left in L.A.
who can fully appreciate
Jennifer Coolidge.
Now... let's be honest, no one knows
what's going to happen tonight.
Comedy is a very violent
place these days.
All right?
There are comedians
getting attacked at the Oscars,
there are comedians getting attacked
at the Hollywood Bowl.
But we are the LGBTQ community!
We are sophisticated,
we are chic, and we are above
all that nonsense, right?
So let's please hold ourselves
to a higher standard.
Please, nobody jump on stage
and try to...
try to body-slam Lily Tomlin.
Did you know Lily Tomlin
is the first lesbian to ever receive
the Kennedy Center honor?
That's true.
She's also the first lesbian, period.
She came up with the whole idea.
Really, it was supposed to be like
a one-off sketch on Laugh-In,
and she just kept it going
for like, 60 years.
What a genius.
Now, tonight is about laughter
and queer joy, but...
we do need to acknowledge
the reality of the moment.
We all know how backwards and dangerous
the "Don't Say Gay" laws are.
Queer people, and especially trans people
are under legislative attack
in this country.
Trans people are being demeaned,
they're trying to dehumanize trans people,
they're trying to erase trans people,
and I'm not even talking about Florida,
I'm talking about Dave Chappelle's
latest Netflix special.
Oh, come at me!
I don't have Jamie Foxx to defend me,
but I have Rosie O'Donnell
and the entire Gay Men's Chorus!
Although the fight
for Queer equality continues,
we have made a lot of progress.
Last year, Pete Buttigieg
became the first openly gay
member of the Cabinet.
That's right.
And say what you will,
Pete Buttigieg has proven
that gay men can become exactly what all
of us have always dreamed of becoming.
Secretary of Transportation.
And speaking of progress,
I have a movie coming out in September
called Bros.
Bros is the first gay rom-com
ever released by a major studio.
Thank you.
I'm also very proud to say,
this a historic, first-of-its-kind night
for LGBTQ comedians.
So let me ask you, L.A.,
are you ready to laugh?
Are you ready to scream?
And now, I'm going to bring out someone
to help me steer this very queer ship.
Our mistress of ceremonies.
She's a winner of RuPaul's Drag Race,
the hilarious host of Sibling Rivalry,
and owner of one
of the best drag names ever.
Please welcome,
Bob the Drag Queen!
Oh! Oh, my...
Can I just say a sentence out loud that
I kind of can't believe I'm going to say
out loud?
It's 2022.
We're doing stuff right now in 2022
that we never would have been
able to predict. We never would have
thought that this is where
the world would go.
We're out here doing...
We're repping vaccines
like we're in gangs and shit.
We're on the street like,
"Pfizer, motherfucker, what's good?
Who you with? Moderna?
Who you with?"
We look at people with Johnson & Johnson
like they have prepaid cell phones.
We're like...
"Damn, how do people live like this?
This is crazy."
If you got the Johnson & Johnson
on the first round,
that is the most cis straight white man
thing you can do.
Johnson & Johnson is the most shampoo
and conditioner combined shit you can do.
Gay guys, make some noise.
Okay. Do not be so proud.
Okay, all the gay guys,
I'm talking to you right now.
The rest of you can listen, too.
But gay guys, the number one rule:
stop being mean to lesbians!
Listen! I'm talking to you!
Stop!
Stop being mean to lesbians!
We can't...
We need these bitches!
We can't do this by ourselves!
Gay people don't have plans,
gay guys don't have plans.
You ever gone on vacation with a bunch
of gay guys? It's sad.
They don't know what the hell
they're going to do.
"What's the plan, Carl?"
"Hmm..."
"Tea Dance, a little bit of Molly."
You ever gone on vacation with lesbians?
You're like, "Edna, what's the plan?"
"Everybody, in the lobby, seven o'clock,
in the car, 7:15..."
"Do not be late or we will leave you.
We will leave you."
So stop being mean to women.
Are you ready for some more
amazing comedians?
Please welcome the creator and star
of the critically acclaimed,
groundbreaking queer comedy series,
Feel Good, Mae Martin.
Hi! What?
This is crazy!
I'm Canadian, but I live in the UK.
But my dad's British. He's like,
unbelievably British, my dad.
And I was visiting them in Canada,
and I'm in the kitchen,
and my dad comes up to me and goes,
"Meet me in the study at dusk."
I'm like, "What?"
So I go to my mom, I'm like,
"What time is dusk?"
I go in, and this is like
my childhood home that I grew up in.
I'm standing with my dad,
and he wanted to show me
some raccoons that live in a tree
and every night at dusk
they emerge or something.
He's mystical, he's mystical.
Then, out of nowhere, he goes,
"Do you know,
you were conceived in this room?"
Genuinely. And I was like,
"Oh, you remember
the specific night that I was conceived?"
He truly said this phrase which has
haunted me ever since, he went,
"Yes, I remember it well. The moonlight
shone in over your mother's bottom..."
Over your...
I feel like you're not getting it. I now
know the position I was conceived in.
I'm horrified. I'm horrified.
Like, nobody wants to be conceived
doggy-style. It's so bleak.
Like, you want to be conceived
face-to-face, eye contact,
like the moment of ejaculation, like,
"We choose to make a life,"
not like, "Oh, bite the pillow."
It's horrible.
It's like...
It's changed how I see myself,
how I carry myself in the world.
It's affected my posture,
it's just a little more like...
I'm like...
I'm a doggy-style baby.
I feel like I can spot
other doggy-style babies, 100%.
I get on the subway and I'm like,
"Hey," they're like "Argh..."
So I live in the UK.
And right now the hysteria in the UK
around trans identities and stuff
is so insane. I know it's the same here.
But I get that it's hard for people.
It's hard to learn new words and stuff.
Although like, is it?
Like, "omicron," you know?
We picked up omicron pretty fast.
But I would say,
if you're ever stuck with someone
who doesn't understand the difference
between gender and biological sex
and you're trying to explain it,
the way I picture it is I picture
the gender spectrum,
with all its infinite variety.
Do you remember Gaston?
From Beauty and the Beast.
He's like...
No one fights like Gaston
That guy. So he's at one end
of like the hyper-masculine end
of the gender spectrum.
At the other end you have Belle,
who has Stockholm syndrome.
It's so dark.
But she's still... no, guys, she's still an
excellent role model because she can read.
She loves a book.
And then, in the middle of the spectrum,
you have the candlestick.
And I really relate to the candlestick.
They're awesome.
Lumire's the best, and obviously,
the more you empower Lumire,
the more fun Gaston and Belle
are going to have.
Lumire's like, "Be my guest..."
Okay. I don't know.
I had this fantasy that like, Chappelle,
and Louis C.K.,
and Ricky Gervais,
any kind of multi-millionaire
who uses their massive platform
to punch down...
This fantasy, they're eating a hog roast.
They're ripping off the meat,
and they're drinking goblets
of that medieval drink, mead?
Goblets of mead. Gog-gog-gog.
And then they turn on the TV,
and they see me doing my little
Beauty and the Beast joke,
"Guys, I'm a candlestick..."
They're just watching it, and suddenly
they're like, "Oh, my God.
We were wrong."
And then they gently cradle each other,
they kiss each other.
They re-parent themselves.
All right, thank you so much, guys,
have a good night!
Please welcome Grammy
award-winning singer, Ani DiFranco!
Hello, hello, hello.
All right, well, as some of you may know,
I've been making music for 30 years.
And I can't tell you how many times
I've been asked,
"What kind of music do you make?"
And after all this time, I still don't
know the answer to that question.
And I feel like the same could be said
of our next performer.
I love Margaret Cho
because of her indie spirit
and uniqueness.
Give it up for Emmy-nominated
comedian, actor, writer, and activist
Margaret Cho.
I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you.
Thank you!
Hi!
Thank you, thank you,
thank you.
So I'm here to represent
the B in the LGBTQIA+ community.
I'm bisexual.
The B stands for bisexual.
It also stands for
"Believe," bitch! Believe.
We're real, we're here,
we're also queer.
I started off full lesbian,
100% dyke in the '80s,
which was dangerous.
I mean, it's dangerous now
to be gay with all the crazy
anti-gay shit happening,
everything...
but you know, whenever I look
at Marjorie Taylor Greene,
she has such dyke face.
You know what I mean?
Like, she just
has that fucking face...
Those lips that have never touched dick.
Dyke face, which I have. I know dyke face,
I fucking have dyke face.
I know that face,
I have sat on that face. So...
But in the '80s, I was a straight-up dyke,
and it was different then.
I mean, we didn't have Queer Eye.
We didn't have
anything like that, you know?
And it was dangerous to be gay.
It was very hard. It was like, the '80s,
and I was like, "I'm gay! I'm gay!"
I had really heavy boots
and cargo pants
with lots of shit in the pockets.
Like carabiners, and D-rings,
and measuring tape, and...
Lesbians just like to
hook shit on other shit.
It starts with a fucking
friendship bracelet,
and then hooking one thing
to another thing, and then it's a U-Haul.
So you're just hooking one thing
to another thing.
Heavy as fuck.
"I'm gay! I'm gay!"
Bike chain, and a messenger bag,
and a CD player playing Ani DiFranco!
And I was gay! 'Cause we were gay!
'Cause you had to be gay.
You had to be strong! As a lesbian,
we had to be strong in the '80s,
because our brothers, our gay men,
were dying of AIDS.
So we had to be there for them, be strong
for them, be courageous for them.
And they were learning how
to have safer sex and use condoms,
so lesbians in solidarity
were using dental dams.
There's nothing sadder
than trying to eat pussy
through a piece of plastic.
Just trying to gum that pussy through...
It's like talking to the pussy in prison,
behind the glass.
On the phone.
It was dangerous to be gay.
I got gay-bashed.
I was gay-bashed on a date with a woman
who didn't like me.
That is bullshit!
If you're gay-bashed, you should be
with the love of your life.
Not somebody that's not that into you.
We had hooked up a bunch of times.
And I really liked her.
And I was ready to hook some shit
onto her shit.
I was ready to...
introduce my cats to her cats.
So, we go out to this nightclub, and
she goes, "Oh, yeah, I don't like cats."
"What kind of dyke are you?
That... Uh-uh, no."
I don't... Uh-uh! That does not make
any sense to me. No, no!
I don't care if you're allergic,
you take Claritin for that shit.
She's like, "I'm not that kind of dyke."
I'm like, "I don't care
what kind of dyke!"
And we were yelling "dyke"
so loud at each other,
that we didn't hear the guy
calling us dykes from over here.
So our homophobia was drowning out
his homophobia.
And we leave, and I notice,
and he's following us.
And he pulls a tire iron out of his
pant leg, and he starts chasing us.
And I was like, "Oh, shit!" And I really
just wanted to push her into him
so I could buy myself some time
to run away.
But I had to be a hero,
and save her, too!
So I grabbed her,
and I was trying to run.
My car was on
the other side of a dark cornfield.
Now, if you're gay,
don't go in the corn.
It's very dangerous for gay people.
We don't fuck with corn.
It's dark.
There's children in there.
But I held my breath and I grabbed her,
we ran through the corn,
we got in my car,
we just in time drove off.
He was so mad, he barely missed us.
He hit the back of the car.
I had a Buick. And with the tire iron,
he hit it...
he knocked the "ick" off of the "Buick,"
it just said "Bu,"
but we were gone,
and I was living my Tracy Chapman fantasy.
I'm like...
She should have really eaten my asshole
at the farmers market for that.
I mean...
Thank you so much, I love you!
Once again
for the iconic Margaret Cho.
Please welcome to the stage
comedian, singer, and mother of four,
Trixie Mattel.
What? Oh my God, what?
What?
How are you, pieces of shit?
You know I love stand-up, but...
the only problem is stand-up
is about being relatable.
And you know, I've had such
a meteoric rise to fame and fortune...
the only people I can really relate to
are the rich people.
Poor people up there,
Mama, I don't even know you.
The fucking cast of Les Mis,
faces covered in shit? No.
Rich people, don't look, honey,
it's horrible.
So this song...
Yeah, this song,
goes out to all the rich people.
Hey, rich people
Beautiful rich people
Don't you hate it when
You double-park your boat?
Whoa
Hey, rich people
Just you guys
Rich people
Don't you hate it when you spill the
Blood of the poor on your fur coat?
The rich people with the fur are like...
Ooooh!
You got more money
You've got more problems
Can't use a hundred-dollar bill
As a condom
Hey, rich people
Just you guys
Rich people
Don't you hate it when your ring
Turns your finger green?
I'm just kidding, that doesn't happen
to us.
Rich.
Hey, rich people
I know you feel me, rich people
Don't you hate it when the hooker
Turns out to be 17?
It's like, "I'm pretty sure
I paid for 16."
Hey, rich people
Just us rich people
Don't you hate it when the valet
Smokes in your car?
And you have to throw
the whole thing away.
And have them killed.
Hey, rich people
I know you feel me, rich people
Don't you hate it when it's
New Year's Eve in West Hollywood?
And you're with Pamela Anderson
and Johnny Weir.
And all of a sudden Pamela says,
"We should go to Vegas."
And you go,
"Pamela, we haven't even packed."
And she pulls out her Visa Platinum
card and goes, "We're packed."
Three days later, you wake up
in front of the Bellagio Hotel
wearing nothing but flip-flops.
And the hooker you order passes away.
And you have to change your name
To Trixie Mattel.
You got more money
And things get harder
Ask a celebrity like me
Or Jennifer Garner.
Oh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, rich people
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
Thank you, goodnight!
Trixie Mattel!
Our next comedian manages to star
in her new movie on Hulu
without wearing
even one problematic fat suit.
Give it up for my friend,
Joel Kim Booster!
How are we doing?
Are we doing okay, you guys?
Happy?
Oh, man, I'm doing okay.
I got to be honest with you,
I'm very stressed out all the time.
There's a lot of bad stuff
going on in the world.
I'm very stressed out. I'm so stressed
out, that recently I watched
a 20-minute-long YouTube video
on how to survive a nuclear blast.
And the first piece of advice
the video had to offer
was not living in a city
that would be nuked in the first place.
Which honestly feels
a little victim-blame-y...
But here's the thing about me,
you guys, is...
I have no interest in living in a city
that wouldn't be nuked, okay?
I just...
Not for me. A city that wouldn't be nuked
doesn't feel like it would have
a bustling gay community.
Like, if your city isn't on a list
somewhere in a foreign country,
I'm not going to Pride there,
all right?
Oh, my God, I'm so glad I am not on
the market anymore, I am happily taken,
I have a boyfriend!
Who in here is in love?
Yeah.
Do you hear how happy we sound?
It's amazing. Yeah.
I love my boyfriend so much.
He's my soulmate.
But I will say, there is
just one little issue with him
and that is that he is...
white. Oooh!
But don't worry, he is one of the ones
who's like, "I'm sorry!"
He feels worse about it than I do.
He is white, but on any given night
he does have
a little bit of Asian DNA in him.
Hey-oh!
Yes, yes, yes!
Yes! Oh, he hates that joke.
But he is the bottom,
so he has to take it.
Yeah.
But now we're in love with each other
and it's wonderful,
but I don't feel like
I've gotten any less crazy.
I still say all kinds of crazy shit
to him. Like, the other morning,
I woke up in bed and I rolled over,
and I was like, "Hey, babe.
I'm either going to marry you
or murder you."
And he was like,
"Ha-ha...
What's that from?"
And I was like,
"My brain, you know. That's it."
But I think he likes the crazy.
I think he enjoys the crazy a little bit
because he does crazy things.
Like, he's a Burning Man guy.
Any Burners in the audience?
Good, we can talk shit. Okay.
No, I am excited to go
to Burning Man with him,
but he did take me to a Burning Man
retreat to sort of prepare me for
Burning Man. And after a weekend
with Burning Man people,
I did walk away with this observation,
which is just...
it's just so sad that straight people,
you have to do all that
just to be gay.
You know? Like...
Oh, my God, you're dressing up in
costumes and doing a bunch of drugs,
and then burning a man on fire,
and it's like,
"That's Friday on WeHo, babe, okay?"
Like, get a cooler hobby!
I'm Joel Kim Booster, you guys have
been fucking fantastic!
Have a great night!
This next comedian is the star of
Bust Down. Please welcome Sam Jay.
Hiya!
I just got in yesterday,
I flew in from New York.
And on the plane,
two white ladies got in a fight
over a service dog.
And then the TSA lady
let my girl get her lotion through,
so... it was a dope day.
I was like, "Yeah.
Shit's all right, shit's all right."
I'm engaged.
I got engaged on my birthday.
Yeah.
Going to get married or whatever. Yup.
Doing it, fucking doing it.
It's cool, we're in therapy.
We're in couples therapy
because we really want
to do it for real,
so we were like, "Let's get
in couples therapy and work on our shit."
I love that. I love couples therapy
more than I thought I would
because like,
I have a place to bring arguments.
So now...
I never thought about it that way,
but that's all it is.
I pay a bitch to bring an argument to her.
So, I don't even argue no more,
and she starts saying stuff,
I'm like, "No, saving this for Lisa."
I just go live my life.
I just go have my day,
like, I don't even care,
because on Tuesday,
I'm bringing all this shit up.
I'm trying to compromise,
so I've become a hold-the-door nigga,
I'm a hold-the-door nigga now.
That's my new life, I hold the door,
I wait and I hold the door open
because it was a whole fight.
I had a whole big fight
because I didn't hold the door.
She told me I was an inconsiderate
piece of shit, I don't hold the door...
What kind of person doesn't hold the door?
It was very confusing for me, because
she has arms, and I was like...
You're grown. I thought
you could do that on your own.
This is so dumb.
But now I do it, I hold the door,
I stand there, I hold the fucking... argh!
We just recently went to the theater,
and I took her to see a musical
because, I don't know, she likes them.
They're dumb.
She likes them.
I don't know, they're for stupid people.
I hate...
Musicals are for stupid people.
We can't all agree to that?
Oh, I'm sorry, it's a room full of gays.
My bad.
They're for dummies. Why are you
singing me problems? I'm an adult.
Don't... Just tell me what's wrong.
Why are you putting this problem to song?
But anyway, we're at the theater,
and we're sitting in orchestra.
And if you've ever been to Broadway,
everybody sits down,
that's how Broadway works,
everybody who pays sits down,
and then the poor people come in,
and they fill in the seats with the poor
people, and it's like a poor lottery.
Right?
There's seats, and it's just like,
"Go, go, go!"
It becomes like the border,
they're splitting up families and shit.
Like, "This way, that way!"
So...
So we're sitting there,
and they're getting down to it,
and there's this dude and this lady.
And there's only one seat
and it's right next to us.
He goes, "Who's it going to be?"
Of course, he goes,
"Go baby, leave me!"
She's like, "I love you!"
She comes and she sits down
next to us.
And my girl looks at me and goes,
"Oh, babe, you never do anything
like that for me."
And it's like, "Bitch, I made myself
a nigga who could afford two tickets.
That's what I did for you."
Bye.
All right, once again for Sam Jay.
Now, please welcome
the divine Sarah Paulson!
Oh, my God!
What?
Thank you.
I was a huge fan of Tig Notaro
before I ever got to meet her.
The first time I met her was at a party,
and I totally fangirled over her,
and she totally fucking ignored me.
When I was finally cool enough for her
to acknowledge my existence,
she asked me to do her podcast,
which resulted in my
collapsing into a fit of hysterics,
the kind where you fear
you might never recover.
But the kind where
"death by Tig Notaro laugh attack"
feels like a real win.
And Tig does it to all of us,
which is probably why
she's been nominated for an Emmy,
not to mention Grammys,
a GLAAD award, a Writer's Guild award,
and the Critic's Choice award.
By the way, the fangirl in me is freaking
out that she thinks I am cool enough
to introduce her. So please welcome,
a hilarious comedian,
an incredible ambassador
for the community,
Tig Notaro.
Let's hear it for the incredible
Sarah Paulson.
I don't know where to go.
Do I go this way?
- You can hang out.
- Oh...
- That's okay.
- I love having awkward moments with you.
We've had a lot of them.
- We've had a few.
- Okay. Well...
- You're great.
- Thanks.
- Have fun.
- I will.
Okay.
- Where you headed?
- I... I don't know.
I'm... contractually...
- I love you, Sarah Paulson.
- I love you, too.
Thank you so much.
I mean, how do I follow
the person introducing me?
I am so happy to be here
for many different reasons.
One, I had gone with my wife
this one night
to a movie premier.
And came home with a terrible pain
in my stomach,
and I just thought,
"I'm sure this is no big deal.
My health issues always end up
not being anything, anyway.
So I'm sure this is also nothing."
And my wife Stephanie said, "You know,
I don't think we should take any chances,
so I'm going to call 911
since you can't walk."
And she did, and I'm telling you,
general admission at the Greek,
a gigantic fireman showed up
at our bedroom door.
He was huge. He was over six feet tall,
muscles out to here,
fireman pants, suspenders,
no shirt.
Meanwhile, I'm feeling so vulnerable
lying in bed,
and I'm in a lot of pain.
Also, I'm in my nightgown, and...
You think I wear a nightgown?
You think I wear a nightgown?
Me, it's me, your friend Tig.
Anyway, so I'm in bed, and he says,
"I understand you're in pain,
and I want you to know
there is an ambulance outside
if you do need it."
And I said,
"Here's the thing. I'm in so much pain,
I don't even know if I can walk."
And he said, "That is not a problem."
And he scooped me up in his arms,
and right then I was like,
"Ho-ho! I could get used to this!"
Bada-bing, bada-boom!
Right then I was like,
"Oh, I get it now."
If you think you're shocked,
how do you think I felt?
I think we all know
that that's not my typical type.
Mm-mm.
And here's something else I didn't know.
I didn't know I was into...
Well, he had a mustache.
It wasn't just a mustache,
it was one of these.
Yes, please.
Anyway, he picks me up,
and I'm like, I'm in his arms
just dangling,
nightgown flowing in the wind,
and he's carrying me down the hallway,
and we're passing our sons' bedroom,
and I said, "Listen,
could you do me a favor and be really
quiet when we go past this door?
Because if my sons wake up and see this,
they're going to be shocked
on so many different levels."
And he was incredible about it.
You know how he is.
He is the best, just classic him.
He started just tiptoeing
down the hall.
We go down the stairs. My father-in-law
lives with us and he tip-toes past
my father-in-law, who's standing
at the foot of the steps,
and then Stephanie opens the door
to our house, he carries me
out of the house, and I was just like,
"Goodbye, old life!"
And he brought me out and gently
placed me on the gurney,
kissed me on the forehead,
pushed me into the back
of the ambulance,
closes the doors, and then wouldn't
you know it, there's a knock.
And I was like, "Oh, God.
Hey, apparently my 'roommate'...
is worried about me and wants
to join us on the ride to the hospital.
Thanks a lot, Stephanie."
Total buzzkill.
But as I suspected, it ended up
not being a big deal.
It was just internal bleeding,
and then a couple of weeks later,
I was at a party,
and I was telling all the people
about this hot fireman.
And I said, "You should have seen this
guy, he was like, over six feet tall,
muscles out to here, mustache..."
I was just going on and on about
how sexy this guy was.
Stephanie walks up,
overhearing the conversation,
and has this look of disgust on her face.
And she said, "I'm sorry,
but you thought that guy was hot?"
And I was like, "Uh, yeah.
This is not a matter of opinion.
This is a matter of fact."
And I don't know if any of you
have experienced this,
but there is nothing more awkward
than finding out
in a social situation
that you and your wife
have completely different
taste in men.
Thank you so much.
You're the best!
Thank you. Thank you.
Goodnight!
Tig Notaro, everybody.
Please give a big, gay welcome
to Scott Thompson
as the legendary Buddy Cole!
Bonsoir, mes amis.
First off, this is not because of COVID.
Yes, I am positive. Please!
I'm literally shedding virus
like a Head and Shoulders ad. But...
No, this is for a part.
Let me explain.
Recently...
What's so funny about "recently"?
That's just like yesterday.
Recently, I was offered one
of those once-in-a-lifetime roles
that every actor dreams of.
But of course it came with a price.
I'll never forget the director turning
to me in the back seat
of his bulletproof party limo
and saying, "Buddy,
I'm going to ask you to do things
in my project that are painful.
Maybe even degrading."
"I'm listening."
I told him that I would do
anything he wanted,
that I would be his clay.
Little did I know...
I know.
It's worse than degrading!
It's masculine!
I'm Buddy Cole.
I'm a beloved camp character
with a signature clean-shaven look.
I can't have a mustache.
I also can't have a 36-inch waist,
and yet here we are.
And just for the record, if you go out
through this pandemic
without gaining any weight,
I hope you at least have the decency
to lose your mind!
So I guess I'm a bear now, hmm?
A bear.
A bear with a copstache.
And when I do finally
shave this thing off,
I'm gonna call it
"defunding the police."
So why the mustache, you ask?
Well...
I can't say too much,
because I signed an NDA or...
DNR, I'm not sure.
I don't know...
I just remember that it was in blood,
and we signed it on the director's
super-yacht in international waters,
so it felt legit.
The director-slash-producer
slash-oligarch
is a billionaire obsessed
with 1970s gay porn
who has decided that the best way to spend
his ill-begotten Dogecoin
is to do a shot-for-shot remake
of the greatest erotic gay films
of that era for his personal spank bank.
Thus the pornstache.
Right now we're in the middle of shooting
a recreation of William Higgins'
masterpiece, Brothers Should Do It,
starring Jon King and J.W. King.
Interesting fact. They were not
brothers in real life. No.
Just on screen.
I'm very excited.
Because I will be playing both brothers.
Which means I will be topping
and bottoming in the same scene.
A practice known in the business
as parent trapping.
I'd say recently,
but it would trigger you.
Bonsoir!
Give it up for Scott Thompson.
Our next performer
is the co-creator of Bob Hearts Abishola.
Please welcome Gina Yashere!
What's happening, people?
I'm Gina, I'm from London, yes.
And I've moved back to Los Angeles!
And I've become truly
a super L.A. lesbian.
I was never an animal lover.
I'm from an African family.
My family's Nigerian.
We weren't allowed to have pets
when we were kids.
My mom was like, "Dogs, no,
they are dirty, and stink,
and leave hair everywhere.
And shit everywhere. No dogs.
Cats! Oh, no.
They are dirty and smell and leave hair
all over the place. No cats!
Goldfish!
I don't like their eyes."
My mom actually said that shit.
So I was never an animal lover.
I didn't like animals, I didn't.
I got chased and bitten
by a racist dog when I was seven.
I was like, "Fuck these animals,
no animals."
But I've become a super L.A. lesbian,
I'll tell you why.
I've been with my missus Nina
for eight years.
Yeah!
Hard-core animal lover, Nina.
Hard-core.
For seven years, non-stop,
she begged me.
"We got to get a dog. I want a dog!"
"No dogs! You know who you're with."
"Dogs, no!"
About a year and a half ago,
she turns to me and goes,
"You know what? I want a baby."
I was like, "You know what?
We should get a dog. Let's get a dog.
Should we get a dog? Let's get a dog.
Let's get a dog."
And now we've got a dog!
Her name is Kemi.
I named her after
the character I play on my TV show
because I'm a fucking narcissist.
And she's a cute little mini
Australian shepherd.
The cutest. Her fur is black.
Black fur. Because like,
if we're getting a dog,
I'm not walking around with no
Aryan-looking fucking dog.
I want a black dog!
I want a dog that looks like me!
When I walk down that street
with that dog
they know that that is my dog!
Kemi is a black dog!
I walk with her like,
"Come on, Kemi, come on, dog.
If I'm getting shot by the police,
so are you.
We're in this together, dog.
Let's fucking go, dog. Let's go."
I love this dog so much.
She takes a shit,
I put my hand in a bag.
And I pick up her warm shit!
I love my girlfriend, but I'm not putting
a bag on my hand,
and picking up my girlfriend's shit,
I don't love her like I love that dog!
It gets worse, people.
It gets worse.
So recently, I was on Facebook,
and I wanted to post a picture
of my dog Kemi in her birthday hat.
Yeah, I fucking said that!
I put my dog in a birthday hat!
And I went on the page of the lady
who I got the dog from
to post a picture of Kemi
in her birthday hat.
So that her siblings around the country...
I can't believe I'm saying
this shit in public.
So that her siblings around the country
could celebrate
their birthdays together.
And then I saw this other cute little
Australian shepherd.
And he looked just like Kemi!
And I was like, "He's related."
Now, a year ago, I couldn't tell
the difference between
a fucking horse and a chihuahua.
But now, I saw another
Australian shepherd,
and I looked at that dog, and I knew
immediately that he was related to my dog.
And I message the woman, I said,
"This dog...
Is he related to my dog?"
And she was like, "Yes,
they have the same father."
And I was like, "Is he available?"
Long story short,
we got two fucking dogs now!
We got two dogs!
What the hell have I become?
Thank you very much, boys and girls!
I'm Gina Yashere. Thank you. Thank you.
Goodnight.
And now, please put your hands
together for my dear friend,
Matteo Lane!
- We look like Bowser and Mario.
- We do.
Hi, everyone. Give it up
for Mont X Change.
Keep my sister's name...
It's so nice outside,
I'm glad I wore a sweater.
ASOS, 20 dollars.
First of all, I'm slightly jet-lagged,
I just got back from Italy, and...
Grazie. And...
Is anyone here from Italy?
Not New Jersey.
Ah, ch Italiani, benvenuti.
My favorite thing about Italians
is... I love going to a country
where I look straight, and...
I look like I'm crushing pussy in Italy.
So different, though.
Straight dating, gay dating.
I just feel so bad for all my girlfriends.
Women have a real tough time.
The thing about it, is like,
I look at my girlfriends' phones,
and the conversations that they have
to have with men to make...
Like a screening process,
to make sure that men aren't crazy?
I looked at my girlfriend's phone,
she was talking to this guy,
literally one of the questions
she asked was, "Do you have friends?"
What are you talking about?
Friends? First of all, for me,
my screening process,
if I'm talking to you and your grammar
is pretty good, I'll fuck you.
Oh, if you know how to use a semicolon...
get in this colon. I am...
Yes.
Desperate.
It's so weird though, these conversations
we're having with people.
Because Grindr, I mean...
my straight friends are like,
"Tinder, it's the same thing."
It's not the same thing.
You have to match somebody else
on those apps to talk to them.
Grindr is just location.
If they're close to you,
they can send you anything they want.
Dick pics, wherever they are.
The app should be called Murder Me.
And it's strange, you just have
this stranger in your home,
you don't know who these people are.
Awkward conversations...
"Well, do you want to watch TV?"
"Sure, we'll watch TV."
This guy was like,
"Do you want to watch TV?" "Sure."
He puts on Lilo and Stitch.
Great movie, but it is weird
to be blowing someone,
and then in the background
you hear, "Ohana means family."
All right, thank you so much, everybody!
Have a great rest of your night!
Shelley said that poets are
the unacknowledged legislators
of the world.
And that may have been true
in the early 19th century,
but I think today, it's comics.
The best comics have a greater
understanding, a greater grip
on reality, and a greater honesty
and moral probity than our leaders.
And no one exemplifies this truth
more than the great Eddie Izzard.
I've known her for years and years,
and every year she continues
to astonish me.
And I hope she'll astonish you, too.
So ladies and gentlemen,
welcome Eddie Izzard!
Okay.
Now, let's talk about everything that's
ever existed since the beginning of time.
3.8 billion years ago. That's when
the Big Bang happened, right?
So that's the timeline.
The Earth begins about
4.5 billion years ago.
The ancient Egyptians...
When does it get interesting?
Real-life interesting?
It's probably about the Renaissance,
about 500 years ago,
that's when human rights starts,
so this bit is kind of good
for human existence,
for any existence.
And my question is, I know
in America, you still believe in God.
He isn't there, kids.
He's not there.
If he was a she, then he would have done
some good, but he's not there.
And if he is... but well done for still
believing in him after World War II,
60 million dead and he didn't
come and help, but...
But my point is, if there was a God,
and they did create the universe,
what is this bit?
From Renaissance, from that bit,
from the Enlightenment, those 500 years,
okay, that's getting kind of good.
What? This is crap, this is all this.
Rubbish, rubbish!
Nothing, and then we start,
and then it's five mass...
five mass extinctions on the Earth,
and then the dinosaurs,
what the fuck are the dinosaurs about?
165 million years of those idiots?
We humans have had 2 million years,
about 500 years of good stuff.
165 million years of "roar!"
That's all they did!
165 million years, they were like pirates.
"Roar!" That's all they did!
With no songs, no earrings,
not good-looking... "roar."
Eat, shit, and fuck, and kill things.
That's all they did!
There were no dinosaur programs,
quiz shows,
"All right, we're going to...
roar, roar, roar..."
There were no dinosaur
discussion programs...
No dinosaur poetry: "Roar, roar, roar..."
No dinosaur ice cream vans...
None of that!
So I think he's not there, kids.
I think it's up to us.
People might say I'm an atheist.
No, I believe in something.
I believe in us. I believe in humanity.
I believe there's more goodwill
than ill will in the world.
That is my belief.
Now, a while ago,
I started running marathons.
I've run about 130 marathons now
for charity.
It's an LGBTQ thing, I don't know,
it's just willpower, keeping going.
So I run these marathons, high heels
in marathons, that's what I can do.
I was running a marathon,
I was running a practice marathon,
and I ran... you just run and run.
I ran past a big house in the countryside,
big walls, big gates at the front.
Wooden gates. And as I ran past a dog,
I couldn't see it behind the wall,
so I heard "woof woof..."
Woofing as they have done
since the beginning of time.
And I thought to myself,
"What is this dog trying to say?
If the dog suddenly had FOXP2,
the genetic code
that gives them the power of speech
like we have,
what would a dog actually be saying
if it goes 'woof, woof, woof?'"
it would probably be trying to say,
"Thief!" or "Burglar! Thief!
There's a thief! Assassin, assassin,
they're here, they're here!"
They're very sure, dogs, aren't they?
Very sure. "Woof, woof, woof!"
Rarely heard an unsure dog, have you?
You've never heard a dog go,
"Woof? Woof, woof?
Are you an assassin?"
No, it's, "Woof, woof, woof!
Assassins! They're here!"
Every dog seems to have joined
the right-wing party.
And based on very little information,
they're completely sure.
"Assassin! Assassin-slash
immigrants are here!"
And they woof, woof, woof.
Eventually the owner comes out
and goes, "What the fuck is going...?"
"Assassins!"
"What, assassins? Are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure,
I'm a dog, motherfucker!"
"Well, how many is there?"
"Well, two!"
"Two?"
"Two thousand!"
"2,000? Exactly?"
"Well, 1,527."
"You saw them?"
"I saw them with my ears!"
"What does that mean?"
"I'm a dog, that's what we do!"
"Get a gun, get a gun!"
"I'm British, I don't have a gun."
"Go to America!
They give away guns to children!"
"How can I get there quickly?"
"Go on one of those penis rockets."
"Oh, okay."
And the man goes off,
and the dog carries on woofing,
"woof, woof, woof..."
until something happens,
or anything happens, woof, woof, woof...
"Oh.
Oh, what have I stood in?
Oh, no. What have I...?
Who did that?
Who left that big pile of steaming...
Who?
I did that.
I've stood in my own poo.
I am hoist by my own poo-tard.
Oh, God. Is this how Michael Jackson
learned to do this?"
And then the owner comes back.
"I've got a gun!"
"What?"
"I've got a gun for the assassins."
"Assassins? You have seen assassins?"
"You saw them, you saw them
with your ears."
"That doesn't make sense."
"But I found poo,
there's poo there. Shoot the poo,
shoot it. Shoot the poo,
shoot it in the face. Shoot it.
Go on, you can't handle the poo.
Shoot the poo, shoot it."
"You shot the poo!
The poo is dead. Long live the poo."
Now everything that I said
as the character of the dog,
that is what is going on
in Donald Trump's mind all the time.
Thank you.
Goodnight. Thanks for being here!
Now please welcome
legendary actress, writer, and comedian
Marsha Warfield.
Thank you. Thank you.
Good evening!
My name is Marsha Warfield.
And I will hit on your mama.
And it ain't your business
if she hits back.
That's between me and your mama.
So you just go on outside and play.
We'll call you
when you can come back. Now...
that's not really true,
because I don't date straight women.
I don't fuck around with straight women,
you do a straight woman,
and they never leave.
You'll be like,
"Don't you have somewhere to go...
Mrs. Jones?"
And she's like,
"But you did this to me."
"Yeah? But I'm through doing that
to you right now.
Take your ass home."
"Don't I get breakfast?"
"I ate."
I like younger women.
Yeah. I like them still juicy.
I'm looking for a hot young thing,
somebody about... 50.
Fifty-five, something like that.
I don't know where I'd meet her,
because I don't know
where the old lady gay bars are.
But I do know what I'd say to her,
I got it all planned out.
I would catch her eye
across a crowded room.
Give her a little wink.
Smile.
Say, "Hey, girl. You see these?
They come out."
I just came out in my 60s.
On Facebook.
Because that's where I was,
because I'm old,
and that's where old people hang out.
We love Facebook.
Fuck y'all, keep your little Twitter
and your TikTok, we'll stay on
fucking Facebook! We know Facebook,
Facebook is ours.
Facebook is the 21st-century version of
sitting in the window yelling at people.
Get off my page!
You take that shit on the other side
of the Internet.
But coming out in my 60s means
I don't know the community.
I don't know all the rules and stuff.
I try to figure it out,
but I don't know how to identify.
I go on these websites
and these young women, they have rules.
I don't know what they're talking about.
They're like, "Well, if you like
to hunt and fish, but you wear
Victoria's Secret under your L.L. Bean,
that makes you a ipsa-dapsa-dasian.
But if you like to cook and shop,
but you wear Joe Boxers under your
Rachael Ray apron, that makes you
a wama-lama-ding-dyke."
I didn't know I was gay.
Growing up in the '50s and '60s,
nobody talked about being gay.
I had no idea what gay was.
I didn't know there were gay people
in my family.
And they weren't even down-low gay,
they were stereotypically flaming gay.
Like Aunt Butchy and Uncle Twirl.
But I don't even know how to identify.
You know, I don't know the lesbian,
the damn femmes,
damn stud? What the fuck? I don't know.
Look at me, I have a short haircut.
You know, I'm wearing sensible shoes.
But I'm wearing makeup and lipstick,
I have on a bra and panties.
I am wearing a strap-on, but...
That's not the point!
Now y'all stop looking at my crotch.
Thank you. Goodnight.
You know our next performer
from Together Together.
Please welcome Patti Harrison.
Hi. Wow, thank you.
To be honest, like, I know the pandemic
has been really hard for...
It's been really hard, and I don't
think I'm unique for saying that,
but... I do feel very fortunate for a lot
of things, I've been able to work at home.
And I just feel...
I don't know, I haven't felt really
creative, or like, inspired.
I'm being earnest, I really, like...
That is very weird to be
kind of trying to open up a little bit.
But I... yeah, I've just been
having a hard time feeling, like,
funny... I think it's a traumatic time
and I think there are a lot of comedians
who like... can experience stress
and they can write material
out of that, in this way that...
I think it's really impressive.
And I just have felt pretty depressed,
and I started therapy again.
And... thank you.
And so... I feel really grateful
that this is a comedy show, but...
they're letting me perform a song,
which is cool, and it's about
something real that happened to me.
And it was a pretty traumatic
thing, like last summer.
And I'm not a professional singer,
I'm not trained. And this is a song...
It's easier to write, I guess,
in other people's voices,
so this is a song in the style
of one of my favorite singers,
her name's Stevie Nicks.
You can go ahead and play the track.
Thanks.
So you wanna know about me
You say you wanna know my life
You say you wanna know my secrets
I'll tell you everything tonight
One day I took my baby to the beach
I left it there on accident
But when I came back it was too late
It was hot out there
Laying in the sun
It was hot, it looked like
A sweet potato
I left my baby out in the sun
And now its head
Looks like a sweet potato
I left my baby in the sun
For eight hours
And now its head
Looks like a sweet potato
I wanna say thank you
For letting me get this off of my chest
You are my bitch right now
I love you
I'm bonded to you
So people ask me
Is my baby dead?
I said no-no
He's just asleep
He's busy picking up a long long nap
From those long days at the beach
I left my baby out in the sun
And now his head
Looks like a sweet potato
I left my baby in the sun
For 12 hours
I was lying there because I was shy
Whoa, I know what you're thinking
I know exactly what is on
Your mind, boy
You want to know
If I took a picture of him
Well, the answer is yes
I took a picture of him
But I don't know you that well,
so I'm not ready to show it to you yet.
So you're just going
to have to take my word for it
when I tell you that it looks just like,
really, a lot like a sweet potato.
I left my baby out in the sun
And now its head
Looks like a sweet potato
I must assure you legally
That my baby is still alive
My baby's head looks like a sweet potato
My baby's head looks like a sweet potato
My baby's head looks like a sweet potato
My baby's head looks like a sweet potato
Baby's head looks like a sweet potato
My baby's head
A fucked up sweet potato
Our next performer was the host
of Talk Show The Game Show.
Please welcome, Guy Branum!
Shhh.
I just got back from Palm Springs.
Palm Springs is California
for people who think that California
is not California enough.
Yes, it's hot and dry,
but could it be hotter and dryer?
The answer is yes.
Palm Springs is a Utopian community that
imagines what the world would be like
if gays and Republicans could cooperate.
It's just well-trimmed lawns and pastels
as far as the eye can see.
Do we have any queer people here
who are married?
Calm down.
I think it is cool that gay people
can get married now.
Sure, we're over that.
The problem is that our weddings,
not that impressive.
No, take this seriously.
You are the first generation of queer
people who can have legal weddings.
And we, as a people, are supposed to be
fascinating, engines of culture.
We spend our time trying to make
straight people's lives
more interesting and better.
But when you go to our weddings,
it's the same mason jars and Edison bulbs
as the rest of America.
I want things from queer culture
in our weddings.
The way that like, Jews,
we break a glass,
or African-Americans jump a broom.
I want to see something in a queer wedding
and say, "Those are my people."
So I have some pitches for you guys.
Are there any queer women in the audience?
Queer women, should you decide
to get married, I have two words for you.
Wedding cleats.
Anytime two women get married,
at least one of them should wear a pair
of pristine white metal baseball,
not softball, baseball cleats
to give her the stability she needs
to walk down that aisle
and pledge her undying love to the woman
she wants to spend
the rest of her life with, in case one
of that woman's ex-girlfriends
attempts to tackle her.
Now, I know some of you might be saying,
"But Guy! But Guy!
What if they get married indoors? Those
metal cleats will tear up the floors."
To which I would reply...
"Lesbians getting married indoors?
Where would they put the dogs?"
And the question for a queer wedding
is always,
"Who's going to perform the ceremony?"
Usually when straight people
get married, they get a priest or a rabbi,
but let's be honest. There's not really
a religion that wants us.
Sometimes people get a Justice
of the Peace, no one knows what that is.
When it comes to deciding who's going
to perform the ceremony at your wedding,
I cannot emphasize this enough. I do not
want to hear your brother tell jokes.
So here's how I think a wedding ceremony
between two men should be performed:
I think the shorter groom's
fattest female friend
should come up to the front of the
room and karaoke Celine Dion's
"It's All Coming Back to Me Now."
All six and a half minutes of it.
And then you or your wedding planner
have to book a panel
of minor celebrities.
A former Miss Tarzana, a guy who was
on The Real World: Paris.
Me.
And then if two or more of us say
that she killed it, you're married.
But if two or more of us say
that she was a little pitchy,
she needs to try harder next time,
you have to wait six weeks,
or go to another state.
That's a gay wedding.
Thank you very much, I'm Guy Branum.
Let's hear it for Guy Branum!
Please welcome Solomon Georgio.
It's so good to be here, I'm...
I'm re-entering the dating world,
which I didn't...
I don't care for that.
It's not fun. Being single is amazing.
The middle of the bed
is the best part of the bed.
Because I do, I truly...
I love being gay, I really do,
but I hate men with my whole heart.
It's really a problem.
I went on a date with a guy,
and he looked in my human face
and he said, "Solomon,
I'm not like other gay guys."
He said that he likes sports,
and he also doesn't like drag queens.
Yeah.
Yeah.
First of all, I love drag.
The whole form, in every shape and way.
Drag queens, drag kings.
It's the greatest queer form
of art that we have out there.
But also, more importantly, every aspect
of it is a fucking sport, all right?
I would love to see anyone's
favorite athlete
duct-tape their penis
up to their butthole.
Then do a jump-split in stilettos
while lip-syncing Ariana Grande
the whole way down.
I don't think Tom Brady
can do half that stuff.
At all. On his best day.
Sorry, I had to look up
an athlete for that joke.
But I stayed on the date,
we got to the end of the date,
he asked me a very integral question,
he asked me if I was a top or a bottom.
Which is a fair question to ask
someone like me.
I'm built like a top,
but I'm mean like a bottom.
However, he was 5' 4",
and I'm 6-foot goddess, and...
you can't be inside of me
if I can't see you when I turn around.
If I have to ask you to raise your hand,
so I don't feel like I'm being fucked
by a ghost,
get out.
That's my time.
Thank you so much, everyone!
Please enjoy the rest of the show.
Now, please welcome
Emmy-winning comedian, Judy Gold!
Hello, everyone!
Hello, my queers!
I love you all!
How are you?
I am so glad I made it.
I literally just got here,
because I was having an abortion
because I figured, "You know,
let me get it in while I can,"
you know what I'm saying?
And they're doing a two-for-one,
so for anyone else...
Oh, this country.
Isn't it crazy?
I don't know if anyone watched
any shows on Zoom
during the pandemic, but they tried
to do stand-up comedy.
And in the beginning, they didn't know
what they were doing,
so everyone was unmuted, right?
And they're like, "Oh, we'll unmute
everyone, and that way,
you can hear the laughter 10 minutes
after you tell the joke."
I was like,
"Oh, that's such a good idea. Okay."
So everyone's unmuted,
I don't know if you know...
If you know me, you know I get a lot
of Jewish people in my audiences
for obvious reasons, okay?
And I would be doing these Zoom shows
and there'd be so many Jews watching,
unmuted, and every time I would start
a joke, I would hear,
"Arthur, shut the window!"
"Sylvia, someone's at the door."
"She's filthy! I don't understand,
we saw her at Temple,
she didn't curse at all!"
Ugh!
People were folding their laundry,
doing their dishes,
this is how desperate we were.
The pandemic made us all crazy, you know?
I was on Amazon 24/7 buying shit,
I had no idea.
I'd wake up in the morning,
open my door, I'd be like,
"Oh, my God, I did put that in my cart!
Isn't that great?"
Here's what I want to know.
Who taught the people at Amazon
how to pack a box?
What is going on in that warehouse?
"Hey, guys. Yeah, we got a tweezer.
I'm going to need a 12x24 box please,
let's go!
It's a slanted tweezer, people.
I need some of that plastic
with the air in it. Move it!"
But I did get the Peloton,
I don't know if anyone has a Peloton.
All the gays have the Peloton, it's great.
And here's the thing about the Peloton.
I can't take the instructors.
They're all perfect.
Half of them are from the UK
with the accent.
They have perfect bodies,
and it's so annoying!
Is it not annoying?
It's like every morning...
"Good morning! How are you?
We're going to have a great class today!
We're going to climb
9,000 hills at a cadence of 4 million.
You can do it. You can do anything!
You can be anyone who you
want to be. Who do you want to be?"
"I want to be someone not on this bike!
I am having tachycardia
and I can't breathe, okay?"
I want a Peloton instructor
who's more my level.
"All right, good morning.
You going to move your legs?
I mean, what's going on?
You're just going to sit there?
How much weight have you gained,
seriously?"
Listen, this night is historic,
I am so happy to be a part of it.
Thank you all! Thank you so much.
All right, let's hear it
for Judy Gold!
Please welcome Emmy award winner
Lena Waithe!
Hey!
I'm here tonight to introduce a woman
who is a bonafide icon.
She's not only an Emmy award winner,
and one of the best comedians
of all time, she's a genuine trailblazer.
For decades, she has used her comedy
to not only make us laugh,
but to change our minds.
The doors I have walked through are only
open because she helped knock them down.
To me, there's no one funnier
than this woman.
Please welcome my friend and yours,
Wanda Sykes.
Lena Waithe!
The Chi, Twenties.
We love her. Thank y'all so much.
Oh, my gosh. This is amazing,
what an incredible night!
What an incredible night.
First of all, I want to say, give it up
to Security tonight! Give it up!
Yes!
Big man, I hope you are undercover.
I hope you... Your big ass, too.
I hope y'all in here protecting us,
because y'all know,
I've been in some crazy situations.
Good Lord. Everybody keeps asking
about the Oscars, I was like,
"Look, that shit was traumatic."
It really was, it was traumatic,
I mean, shit!
Will slapped Chris so hard
the dude from CODA heard it!
The dude from CODA was like...
I was like, "Damn!"
What the fuck?
Shit is crazy, man.
Now, here's the thing.
If people's pronouns and everything
bother you,
and you're like, "I don't understand all
this... Why's it got to be 'they/them,
what's your pronoun?'"
Now, here's the thing.
Kids get it. I heard my...
I have twins, right?
And my son was asking my daughter
about one of their classmates.
Like, "Hey, is she...?"
And my daughter said, "No.
Alexis is non-binary, so it's they/them."
And my son said, "Oh, okay."
And that was it. There was no judgment,
he just got it.
He was like, "Okay." It's like,
"If your name is Larry,
I ain't going to call you Ted,"
that's it.
It's just a matter of respect.
That's all it is.
And let me tell you,
if you don't get it, and you get
hung up on shit like this,
you just sound fucking old.
That's all.
These kids are on 5G,
and you are on AOL dial-up.
You just sound old, that's it.
And I'm a little worried because my
parents are actually watching my kids
right now. They're babysitting my kids.
And I told my daughter, "Look,
if you invite Alexis over,
let me talk to Grandma first
and let her know.
Don't invite Alexis for dinner and tell
my mother that 'they coming over.'"
Because if she open that door and
it's just one person standing there,
Grandma going to have a lot of questions.
Grandma going to be like, "What the hell,
I done cooked all this damn food!
And it's just one little bastard
standing here?
They'd better be hungry,
I'll tell you that!
They'd better be hungry."
Look, I just want to say,
just give a big hand for everybody
you've seen tonight.
I mean, oh, my God.
And I've got a lot of these performers.
I am standing on their shoulders.
Yes. I am standing on their shoulders,
and it's just such an honor,
and I just love all of y'all,
and thank you so much for being here.
Goodnight.
Please welcome Emmy, Tony and
Grammy award-winning actor, Lily Tomlin.
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you.
Thank you so much, I am so happy
to be here tonight
to introduce someone very, very special.
In fact, she's so special,
she's indescribable.
Now here I am calling her
indescribable in front of all you people
trying to describe her by saying
she's indescribable.
Honestly, this is so typical
of what I do.
She can be upbeat, off-beat,
and off-the-wall.
As she explained in her hit show,
Without You, I Am Nothing,
"My father was a proctologist,
my mother was an abstract artist, so...
that's how I see the world."
She's hilarious. She's gorgeous.
And she's unapologetically queer.
Give it up for my good friend,
the very unique Sandra Bernhard.
I just have to say, I don't know how
to thank Lily Tomlin enough.
That's number one.
For being a constant inspiration to me
since 7th grade.
Okay? When we used to come to Cocopah
Elementary School every Tuesday morning
to discuss our favorite moments
from Laugh-In the night before.
Cocopah Elementary School, I'm sure it
was built on sacred native burial ground,
but that's a sidebar.
I look really good, don't I?
I'm not going to do my set,
I'm just going to watch myself.
As I've been known to do.
So I got a call one morning
from my business manager Jack.
In that sort of strange style
that business managers have,
and he said to me, "Have you and Sara
thought of getting married?"
I said, "I don't know, Jack.
Crunch the numbers for me,
what's in it for me?"
Now you all know Sara,
my beautiful, brilliant, amazing,
occasionally controlling girlfriend
from St. Louis.
What am I supposed to call her?
My partner?
The unsexiest word in the entire universe?
What are we, in a law firm together?
"Get in here, Sara,
get in here, little lady. This one
really knows how to close a deal.
We're doing a little litigation
and light lovemaking on the side."
So I just keep calling her my girlfriend,
you know.
Recently Sara and I were hanging out.
Our daughter was over, Cicely,
who is just amazing. She graduated college
a couple years ago...
Oh, I know. And honey, a good college.
Early decision.
So she was over doing
some homemade granola
and high-heat cooking that she loves.
A little berry compote on the...
And Sara says to me out of the clear blue,
she goes,
"Honey, what do you feel
about cryptocurrency?"
I said, "Honey, you know that's not me.
I like cash."
I keep it hidden all over the apartment.
That's just me.
Cash is king. Cash is queen.
I don't give a shit. I just like cash.
I like the feel of it.
Cicely says, "Mom, Mom.
Get with the program.
Cryptocurrency is the future,
it's the present, it's where it's at."
I said, "Oh, okay. Would you like me
to cash in your
Morgan-Stanley bat mitzvah fund
and buy you a couple of Bitcoin?"
You know, um...
my father drove me over
from Scottsdale, Arizona
in my green Ford Maverick
with a landau top.
Through a dust storm, a sandstorm
outside of Palm Springs.
I said, "Dad, please pull over."
He wouldn't. We arrived
in L.A. on Cinco de Mayo 1974
and the party hasn't stopped since!
The next day, we got up early,
and we went right
to Charles Ross School of Beauty
right down the street from
Jan's Coffee Shop on Beverly.
Some of you might remember,
that's where I...
that's where I had my higher education.
The entire thing cost $365.
When I first came to L.A., I would drive
around, I would just take it all in,
I'd listen to "Bennie and the Jets."
And a limo driver pulled me over on
Santa Monica Boulevard and asked me to
have a cup of coffee with him
at the Pink Turtle Caf
at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel.
I had arrived.
I got my first job as a manicurist
at 351 North Canon.
It was a woodsy affair with
macram hanging baskets full of plants.
They all came in.
Jaclyn Smith, Dyan Cannon,
Altovise Davis,
Victoria Principal in a three-piece suit
and a jaunty hat.
She taught me how to put on mascara:
"Look up, look down, look straight ahead."
And then I bought my house right out here
in the valley in North Hollywood
on Blix between Kling and Klump
with a "K", right around the corner
from Hortense. "Is that whore tense?"
"No, she's always that way."
From my father's little book of Playboy
jokes that he kept on the bedside.
I studied, I pored over it.
You know, these magical evenings really
bring people together in a way.
And I'm going a little off book here.
I just want to say, in the world we're
living in, to come to Los Angeles,
a city that really embraces the unique,
whatever you are,
it's one of the great cities in the world.
Tonight, to be together, to be able to
talk about sexuality, to talk about fun,
and people are holding hands,
men, women, it's all people.
I just want to say, take the energy
tonight, go back on the road.
We've got some battles on our hands, kids.
And you know,
being a woman, being somebody who has made
their own decision to have a baby,
I didn't... I won't get into details.
But I can tell you one thing.
When you're ready to have a baby,
you have that baby.
But how dare they, how fucking dare they,
after the battles...
and the lives lost,
and the people who have
gone out to put their lives on the line,
don't you fucking dare.
I've had it.
I'm done! We're not going to fight
this shit again.
You go out, and you fucking march,
and you join us.
Men, men, men, we need you,
we need you by our sides!
You guys...
we're done. And I love you.
Thank you for coming out tonight.
Hi, I'm Billy Porter.
And I'm here to introduce someone
who is not only my friend.
She is my fairy godmother.
Miss Rosie O'Donnell.
She's a stand-up comedian,
a star of stage and screen,
and let's not forget,
her Emmy award-winning talk show.
To her viewers, watching her show
was spending an hour
each day with a friend.
When Rosie came out,
for many of those viewers,
she was their first gay friend.
She's always looked out for me,
and she's always looked out
for the gay community.
So, now, I give you
the great Rosie O'Donnell.
Well, hi, everyone!
Don't you feel a little bit gayer tonight?
Just a little bit more gay?
I was going to do this song
with Cyndi Lauper
and she had some family emergency
and she couldn't do it,
and you know, she's been the greatest ally
we've ever had
in our community.
And I thought, Trixie Mattel is the one
that's going to fill in,
get up, sing along,
Trixie, let's do this!
Yes!
Five, six, seven, eight!
I come home in the mornin' light
My mother says
"What you gonna do with your life?"
Oh, Mama dear
You know we're fortunate ones
And girls
They wanna have fun
Gays!
Oh, gays just wanna have fun
Yes, Fortune. Yes, Fortune.
This is all you, baby.
The phone rings
In the middle of the night
My father said
"When you gonna live your life right?"
Oh, Daddy dear
You know you're still number one
But gays, they wanna have fun
Oh, gays just wanna have
That's all they really want
Some fun
When the working day is done
Oh, gays, they wanna have fun
Oh, gays just wanna have fun
Gays wanna...
Wanna have fun
Gays...
They wanna have...
That's all they really want
Some fun
When the working day is done
Oh, gays, they wanna have fun
- Oh, gays just wanna have fun
- If you don't sing, you're straight. Sing!
Wanna have fun
Gays
They wanna have fun
They just wanna
They just wanna
They just wanna
They just wanna
They just wanna
They just wanna
Have fun
Oy, vey! And up!
Use your knees, Page.
Come on, push it!