Stand Up and Cheer! (1934) Movie Script
Did you know that
Lawrence Cromwell...
the big theatrical producer,
is going to call on the president today?
Did I know it?
It's the talk of the White House.
- Lawrence Cromwell will be here at 11:30.
- I'm dying to see him.
Do you know that Lawrence Cromwell
is the authority on feminine beauty?
Lot of good that'll do you, Angie.
Yeah. I'm in the press room.
White House. Yeah.
Lawrence Cromwell.
Stand by for a statement.
After he sees the president.
Okay.
Well, I've been on the White House hitch
of the Secret Service...
for seven years now,
and it strikes me...
this guy Cromwell's
getting a lot of attention.
Yeah. Big New York theatrical shot.
Okay.
You'd think it was Lindbergh just
getting back from Paris or something.
- You are Mr. Cromwell's-
- General scout, sir.
Dinwiddle is the name- Eustis Dinwiddle
of Fern Hall, Hertfordshire, England.
By the way, I hope you
gentlemen of the press...
won't find it necessary to refer to me
as Mr. Cromwell's general, uh-
In fact, right-hand man.
And to say I've discovered
some of his most brilliant talent.
That's a little bit of information
I always keep to myself.
Do all the big theatrical producers
have general scouts?
Oh, no, sir.
Just Mr. Cromwell and myself.
- We're different, you know.
- What are the duties of a general scout?
Just general-
G- G-General scouting.
Looking for lovely girls. Mr. Cromwell
is always in the market for lovely girls.
Who isn't?
Come on.
Look out for that plane, boys.
Watch out for that blade.
- How do you do, Mr. Cromwell?
- Good morning, gentlemen.
- Good morning.
- New York Times, Mr. Cromwell.
- What's the purpose of this visit?
- I have no statement to make.
Well, surely-
Mr. President, may I present
Mr. Lawrence Cromwell?
- Mr. President.
- Mr. Cromwell.
I have admired your
theatrical productions for years.
- Thank you, Mr. President.
- Will you be seated, please?
Mr. Cromwell, our country is
bravely passing through a serious crisis.
Many of our people's affairs
are in the red...
and, figuratively,
their nerves are in the red.
But thanks to ingrained sturdiness...
their faith is not in the red.
Any people blessed
with a sense of humor...
can achieve success and victory.
We are endeavoring to pilot the ship past
the most treacherous of all rocks- fear.
The government now proposes
to dissolve that destructive rock...
in a gale oflaughter.
To that end, it has created
a new cabinet office-
that of secretary of amusement-
whose duty it shall be to amuse
and entertain the people...
to make them forget their troubles.
Mr. Cromwell...
we are drafting you and your
splendid talents into public service...
and it is with confidence
and pleasure that I offer you...
the cabinet position
of secretary of amusement.
Mr. President,
I find it somewhat difficult...
to express my feelings
at receiving this great honor.
I can only say that I accept
the portfolio of secretary of amusement...
and I shall do my best to merit
the confidence you are placing in me.
- Gentlemen.
- Secretary Cromwell...
these gentlemen of the press have been
informed of your appointment.
- Will you give them a moment?
- Yes. Of course.
What's your first move, Mr. Secretary?
Recruiting entertainers
from all parts of the world.
- How will entertainment be distributed?
- Divide America in 48 zones-
Also include Hawaii, the Philippine Islands,
Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands.
- What's Mr. Skimfiddle going to do?
- Mr. Dinwiddle...
will be invited to serve as general scout
for the Department of Amusement.
Mr. Secretary,
deeply mindful of the solemnity-
- Uh- Uh-
I'm deeply mindful of the solemnity...
- of the occasion.
- How many assistant secretaries will you appoint?
Twelve- radio, drama, motion picture,
circus, vaudeville, dancing-
- Circus Department, Avenue A. See Mr. Wertzel.
- Thank you.
- First tenor.
- Mr. Bagwell on the audition stage.
Oh,just a moment!
Mr. Butler has the tenors.
Low-voiced crooner.
See Mr. Butcher somewhere
in the music building.
Mr. Butcher.
Upstage!
Upstage, everybody!
- Upstage.!
- Look here, Dinwiddle, this has got to stop.
Everywhere I go, actors, acrobats.
They're driving me crazy.
- I shall compose-
- They storm me on the streets, in my car.
You've gotta do something.
I place the burden on your shoulders.
It's a burden I shall bear
with fortitude, sir.
Uh, vigilance. "Vigilance. "
That shall be my watchword.
Uh- Uh-
I shall have a slogan.
Of course, you know, they're
counting on Mr. Cromwell and myself...
to pull this country out of the red.
- Quite a job.
- Yes, indeed.
Am I correct in assuming that over here
a fellow gets into debt...
he keeps his accounts in red ink?
- That's right.
- When he gets out of debt, he changes them to black ink?
- Yes.
- Oh! Hence the expression, "Out of the red. "
- That's the idea.
- Oh, very amusing.
I must buy myself some red ink.
- Good morning, Mr. Secretary.
- Oh, hello, Arthur.
- Not much like your New York office.
- Well, this is the gingerbread.
The entire first floor
is part of the show.
Upstairs we have offices
that look like offices.
Gentlemen.
I want to impress upon
you assistant secretaries...
- and Miss-
- Adams. Mary Adams.
You appointed me head of
the children's division last week.
Oh.
I wanna say that the splendid
start we now have...
only emphasizes the importance
of teamwork and hard work.
Now, remember, the government
has appropriated 100 million dollars...
and is allowing 12 months in which
the Department of Amusement...
may prove its right
to permanency.
Now, gentlemen,
this is a pretty tough job...
for there's no telling where
undiscovered talent and genius may appear.
Your departments will be flooded
with applicants...
and you must see them all,
but send only the cream of the lot to me.
Unfortunately,
I can't see them all.
- Thank you. That's all. Miss, uh-
- Adams.
Yes, I want to see you a moment please.
Hello?
Check this carefully, will you?
"West Coast. Zone 36.
"One dozen jazz bands.
One gross chorus girls.
"One-sixth of a dozen
masters of ceremony.
"Zone 18, girl singers:
blues singers, two dozen, torch singers.
Boop-boop-a-doop singers- none. "
Okay. Now, Miss Monroe-
- Uh, Adams.
- Oh, yeah. Step here, will you, please?
Something I want to show you.
There's one phase of this amusement campaign
which I think you oughta understand.
The zones in-
You're beautiful.
Of course I'm not.
- What's that?
- I said I'm not beautiful.
Young woman, you're talking
to Lawrence Cromwell-
Lawrence Cromwell, the world's
authority on feminine beauty and charm.
Do you mean to stand there and question
my judgment on the subject of beauty?
- Do you?
- Oh, no. No. I was-
But you did question it.
Now you listen to me.
When Lawrence Cromwell says
a girl's beautiful, she's beautiful.
Oh, the very idea.
I demand an apology.
Your personality definitely puts you
in Class 10-A, Department "B"...
with a double-X rating
in my card index system.
And my system is the preeminent
beauty catalog of today.
Height, 5'4". Weight, 116.
Bust, 34. Waist, 26.
Hips, 36. Calf, 12 and 1 y2.
Ankles, 7.
Questioning my judgment.
That is good.
I'm really awfully sorry, Mr. Cromwell.
Never mind. Never mind.
Just let it be a lesson to you.
Get my New York office, please.
You're so very busy, Mr. Cromwell.
Don't you think-
- Oh, no. Stay where you are.
I haven't a thing to do.
Yes. Yes, of course
I want London, England.
Our European agent, Morris Feinberg.
Savoy Hotel. Okay.
- Yes. Now, Miss Jefferson, I'll
tell you what I want- - Adams.
Oh, yes.
- How do you like it here?
- Oh, very much.
It's all so interesting.
I think it's going to be much more
interesting now that you're here.
Oh, I mean, uh-
I mean, with the children and all that.
- You love children, don't you?
- Yes. I'm crazy about them.
Mm. So am I.
I used to be one myself.
- You rang, Mr. Secretary?
- Note to all departments:
"Suggestions from employees
for improving the service...
of the Department of Amusement
will be welcomed by the secretary. "
- That's all.
- Yes, sir.
I have a suggestion to make,
Mr. Secretary.
- Fine. Fine, what is it?
- You're working too hard.
- You think so?
- Positively. It isn't good for you.
Now, now.
This isn't the children's division.
No, I mean it. You're going
all the time,just like a machine.
Seeing hundreds
of people daily, losing sleep...
eating sandwiches in your office.
Don't you ever stop
for a real meal?
No. But that's an idea.
Suppose you and I have dinner tonight?
- Well, I-
- Fine. Fine. I'll call for you at 7:00.
For heaven's sake, let's select a caf
where there's no entertainment.
- This is going to do you a lot of good.
- You're telling me.
Cancel that last order
to motion picture producers.
Yes, sir.
The eastern papers.
Look at that. Look at that!
Wonderful cooperation from the press.
They've been with us from the start.
I know the department's going
to be a tremendous success.
Why they're laughing from
the Atlantic to the Pacific.
- Now, Scotty, do you know what your line is?
- Yes.
What is it?
That's it.
And then what do you say to them?
That's right.
Now get in your positions.
Put your hands
on each other's shoulders.
That's it. That's fine.
- Now, you'll all be back tomorrow at 4:00-
- Yes, Miss Adams.
and you'll know your lines
perfectly, won't you?
- Yes, Miss Adams.
- All right now.
You've all been very good
children today...
so I have a surprise for you.
- What is it? What do you have?
- Help yourselves.
Here, Maryanne.
There's one for you.
- Yes.
- Mr. George Bernard Shaw.
Send Mr. Shaw in.
George Bernard Shaw?
Yassuh.
- You're a little sunburned, aren't you?
- Yassuh, but...
see, I'm an outdoor man.
All right. Get outdoors.
No. No!
Now, boss,you're gonna need somebody
to help you-
Hello?
Zone 14. Okay.
Two dozen orchestras.
Two-and-a-half dozen
extra trombone players.
Zone 35, six dozen whirling Arabs,
Have my New York office get the complete score
and manuscript from last night's opening.
Believe I'm gonna like this place, sir.
All I gotta do is get used
to your likes and dislikes.
- No.
- You need somebody who can do...
Shim Sham Shimmy
with words and feet?
- No.
- Everybody's doin' it now.
I carry this board
so I don't spoil the rug.
It'll all fall off...
Folks like me.
Like that.
I need someone to stand at that door
when my secretary's at lunch...
to keep the wrong
kind of people out.
- Can you handle the job?
- If you tell me.
- You wouldn't let anybody get by?
- Nossuh.
Nobody can get by now
nohow, 'cause...
last three years I just
been barely gettin' by myself.
All right.
You're on duty.
All right, sir.
I won't let nobody by because
you say you don't want nobody in here.
I'll see nobody get by.
Now he didn't get by me, boss.
I got by him.
Yassuh, but I's startin' now.
Without any ifs, ands or buts,
we've got to see to it...
that this new
Department of Amusement is a failure.
But why take it so seriously?
Because we've made millions
of dollars worth of contracts...
based on the continuance
of the depression.
If Cromwell succeeds, if the mood and
temperament of the people become optimistic...
prosperity will arrive with a bang
and that will ruin us.
If he succeeds, yes,
but how can he affect the public at large?
After all he's only a showman,
sort of glorified town clown.
You're wrong there.
He's the man of the hour.
Not only is this country
watching him...
but the eyes of the world
are upon him and his efforts.
Moreover, he believes
in himself and in his work.
He's a man with a mission.
I've talked with him. I know.
It shouldn't be so difficult
to stop him.
Simply find the woman in his life.
No good with Cromwell.
He's spent his life...
in the company of the most
beautiful women in the world.
- He's not exactly a chump.
- Have you any ideas?
Yes, and rather ambitious ones...
but they require
organization and propaganda.
We must attack Cromwell
from every source-
the printing press,
political forums, the radio.
I've got you.
A campaign of ridicule.
Yes. The world is full
of pussyfoots, bluenoses and killjoys.
Laughter and gaiety
are their archenemies.
It shouldn't be hard to make them see
the hand of the devil...
in Cromwell's program
of national nonsense.
We'll put up millions
in cash to back our scheme...
and leave no stone unturned
until Cromwell is defeated.
Daddy! What are we waiting for?
We're waiting for
Miss Adams to send for us.
Oh. Will it be very long?
No, not very long-
Maybe a couple of hours.
Oh.
I got a surprise for you.
Close your eyes.
Hold out your hand.
- Oh!
- Now don't swallow it all at once.
Don't I get a kiss?
Yes.
Here. You sit right there.
Daddy's gonna telephone.
- All right. Bye.
- Good-bye.
Look at my apple!
Well, young lady,
what are you doing?
- I'm with my daddy.
- Where is your daddy?
- In Miss Adams' office.
- In Miss Adams' office?
Well, I guess we'd better go find him.
There now. Be careful
to get your feet in the stirrups.
That's right.
Now take hold of the reins...
and away we'll go
for a brisk canter.
Ah.
Come on there now.
- How's that?
- Whoa.
I like you.
And I like you.
I thought you said your father...
was going to come up
and meet you here in my office.
- Well, I wonder where he is.
- Downstairs.
Oh. What did you say
his name was again?
- Mr. James Dugan.
- Mr. James Dugan.
That's a nice name.
Do you suppose if I telephoned downstairs,
he'd come up here?
- Yes. I think so.
- All right. I'll do that.
I'm afraid, Mr. Dugan,
that I can't help you...
as much as I'd like to.
You see, Secretary Cromwell
has made it a strict rule.
Aw, come on. Isn't there some way
I can get in to see him?
- Maybe you could ask him.
- I'm sorry...
but I really wouldn't want
to bother him.
- He has so much on his mind.
- Bother?
Why that wouldn't bother him.
He'd thank you for bringing me in.
I'm Jimmy Dugan. Everybody knows Jimmy Dugan.
Excuse me. Uh, this lineup
is all right as it stands.
- Yes, Mr. Cromwell.
- Thank you.
Well, well.
- Now who is this young lady?
- Shirley Dugan.
Shirley Dugan?
Well, how do you do, Miss Dugan?
- My name is Cromwell.
- How do you do, Mr. Cromwell?
My daddy wants to see you.
Yeah. It's about me and Shirley.
That is... our act.
Oh, yes. Well, I'm sorry, but you'll have
to go through the usual channels.
Oh, I don't need work.
I'm booked solid for 40 weeks.
You heard about my act. Ten minutes
of songs and dances. Knocks 'em cold.
- It's about Shirley.
- Yes, well, that's in Miss Adams' department.
No, it's about that
new rule you made...
- that a kid under seven can't work in an act.
- Oh, yes. Well...
we had to make that ruling
to comply with laws of various states.
But Shirley doesn't really work in the act.
She just comes out...
at the finish and she loves it.
You see, it's this way, Mr. Cromwell.
Me and the missus had an act together.
Shirley was born and we brought
her up from the top of a trunk.
Everything was goin' swell...
and then...
Mrs. Dugan passed away.
Since then, Shirley and me
have been goin' it alone.
Well, don't you think
she needs a woman's care?
I couldn't leave her with anybody else.
Besides, I gotta have
her in the act with me.
She helps me over the rough spots,
build to a finish, like the missus did.
And look at her, Mr. Cromwell.
She thrives on it.
I gotta have her with me.
How's chances?
How's chances?
I think chances are great.
Come here.
Just a minute, ladies.
Let me remind you, gentlemen...
that we are members
of the Senate of the United States.
Ours is a solemn duty.
The people have entrusted us
to watch their affairs...
and to carry out the functions
of the government with dignity.
Here, here!
In justice to ourselves...
and to those who sent us here...
we cannot look lightly
upon the activities...
of the new cabinet member,
Lawrence Cromwell.
He is squandering millions
of the taxpayer's money...
to make of this government
a caricature.
Here, here.!
He hands out jokes
instead of jobs...
buffoonery instead of bacon.
Gentlemen, a sense of humor...
cannot assert itself
upon an empty stomach...
- nor can a nation endure on hollow laughter.
- Right.!
Uh, Mr. Chairman...
I move that we appoint
two gentlemen from this committee...
to wait on Secretary Cromwell at once.
Those in favor, say "aye,"
contrary-minded, "no. "
The "ayes" have it.
- The chair appoints Senator Short.
- Thank you, Mr. Chairman.
And Senator Danforth.
I shall expect
a report from you tomorrow.
They will get results.
Of course.
We've had our troubles.
But different zones require
different kinds of amusement.
For instance, the public is improved.
Its sense of humor is thoroughly awake.
Now if you care to go into this in greater detail,
Mr. Dinwiddle of this office will assist you.
- If it isn't too much trouble.
- Not at all. I'll send him in.
Thank you, gentlemen. If you'll excuse me,
I have important auditions.
- Go right ahead. -
Certainly. - Thank you.
A reasonable sort of fellow, isn't he?
- Yes, but I don't think you were firm enough.
- What's that?
I don't think you were
firm enough with him.
Oh, you don't?
That's a sound argument.
We've always been in accord.
Yes. We were together
on that Bolder Dam project.
- And we were together on the Red River Dam project.
- Yes.
In fact, we've been together
on every dam project.
I object to the word "every. "
Everything you say is quite true.
Quite true. But I still don't think
you were firm enough with him.
Hmm. Very interesting.
We owe to our constituents,
our people...
fair and unbiased representation.
I stand here,
the people's choice.
This is an issue
upon which I take a stand-
a grandstand!
I repeat.
I stand here the people's choice!
- I demand a lower tariff on haywire.
- I don't understand.
- I demand a lower tariff on haywire.
- Why, you snake.
After all we've been together
on every project...
I don't see why you shouldn't support me
on a lower tariff on haywire.
If you do support me
on a lower tariff for haywire...
then I'll support your demand
for a higher tariff on low wire.
The idea is for us to stick together.
Or, otherwise,
we'll never get along.
Ours is a beautiful friendship.
Yes, I can say that
it is an amazing friendship.
I'll go further than that
and say it is a beautiful friendship.
I can go a step farther than that
and say it is an everlasting friendship.
I'll go a first step further
than that and say-
Except, there isn't anything further.
In the stormy session of last spring,
who stood by my side?
You. In the darkest hour
of my political career...
who rallied to my support?
You. Who was closer to me
than my right hand?
Who was at my left side wh-
I don't understand why
you want to end our friendship.
All I ask you to do is support
my demand for a lower tariff on haywire.
If you do support my demand
for a lower tariff on haywire...
- I'll support your demand for a lower tariff on high wire.
- Everlasting friendship.
Well, we've been together for many years.
- What made pistachio nuts?
- But 16-inch guns do not mean naval supremacy.
I'm not sure inflation
is the best policy.
Mr. Cromwell seems to be
a nice fellow, doesn't he?
I don't think
he gets enough exercise.
- Do you suppose there's anything-
- Between him and Miss Adams?
- I hope so.
- You ought to investigate it.
That would be fun.
I say, that's a great act.
We can use you- five shows a day,
opening in Philadelphia tonight.
Shall we go to lunch?
- Do you feel like a little fish?
- Perhaps. How about the club?
Splendid. Let's walk.
I still don't understand why you won't support
my demand for a lower tariff on haywire.
After all we've been together
on every project-
You know, this is great.
This is just what I needed-
salt air, no telephones, no secretaries.
I thought it might
do you some good.
Why is everyone so anxious
to do me some good?
Because you've undertaken
an impossible task, Mr. Secretary.
You can't hope for the success
of your department in a lifetime...
- much less than the allotted 12 months.
- Oh, I don't know.
Reports from all over the country
show excellent results.
Merely hypodermic. The best
you can hope for is temporary effect.
Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Harly,
but I disagree with you.
If your manufacturers can sell
your products-your cigarettes...
your toothpaste, your cosmetics,
your automobiles-
by means of crooners,
comedians and dance orchestras...
well then I fail to see why
the government can't sell its idea...
of good health, good times
and good cheer through the same medium.
A fantastic idea.
Mr. Secretary, I've been an interested
follower of your career-
a great career.
Your future is still ahead of you.
It pains me to see you give it up.
Thanks, Mr. Harly, but I don't think
now is the time to talk about...
my department or the career.
- Yes, I did promise you a little rest, didn't I?
- Yes, you did.
Well just let me say one thing more.
How would you like to be...
the greatest figure
in the amusement world-
a king in your own domain,
free from political whims and obstacles?
- What do you mean?
- I mean simply this.
Resign as secretary of amusement,
and I'll build you a magnificent theater...
in every important city in America...
and in time extend them to London and Paris.
- You're not by any chance
trying to bribe me, are you?
Well, I think we can use
a prettier word.
Let us say "a foundation
for artistic achievement. "
Look here, Harly.
I don't know what's behind all this...
but I do know the only artistic thing to expect
from your gang is an artistic trimming.
You're passing up a great opportunity,
Mr. Secretary.
Yeah? Well, I've gotten
where I am today...
- by passing up great opportunities.
- Mmm.
Yes, yes, I know. But styles in songs
change,just as they do in clothes.
Now we've got to understand that
and keep ahead of the times.
One month it's "mammy" songs,
another hot songs or torch songs or-
Well, now, the country's crying for
hillbilly tunes, and it's up to us to deliver.
The public must be pleased.
Now, if we stick to that, before we're through,
we'll make 'em stand up and cheer.
That, gentlemen...
is the complete record
of all our efforts.
The work has been gigantic
and the results little or nothing.
Ah, but I know far better than you
that our slow progress...
is not due to any lack
of zeal or effort on your part.
We have come face-to-face
with an unseen foe-
some phantom force
is strangling our every move.
It's spreading discord and ill will
in the hearts of our people.
I know some of you have brought to
this very meeting letters of resignation.
Now get me clearly.
I will not accept those resignations!
How many of you will give me your word
right here to stand by your posts come what may?
- Jacobs.
- I'm with you.
- Bailey.
- Count on me.
- Feeley.
- I always enjoy a good fight.
- Ah, that's fine. Turner.
- I think you're-
- That's your final word?
- No, sir.
I can't believe, Mr. Secretary, that you
don't know what you're asking of these men.
There's a wave of rapidly growing
resentment against this department.
That resentment will soon
take definite shape against us.
If you have any regard
for the people in this room...
people who have given
their utmost to make you a success...
I say, if you have any feeling for them,
you have but one course-
- to close this department immediately!
- Turner, you're through now!
Will you kindly leave, and if there are
any other weaklings among you...
will you kindly go now.
Friends, I'm grateful
for the show of confidence.
I only hope your daring
will be rewarded with success.
Come on!
Let's get to work!
Larry, you were magnificent.
Do you think so?
What's the matter?
- But it was an act,just an act.
- An act?
- Yeah, I was acting every second. I didn't mean a word I said.
- You didn't?
- But you said-
- I know I said. I said-
I said a lot of things,
but you get this, Mary.
Turner's right. The department's doomed.
We haven't got a chance.
I didn't want them to know,
but I can't run out without telling you.
I'm through. I'm quitting!
Do you understand?
- What's really the matter? This isn't like you.
- It is just like me-
a me that you didn't know,
a me that I've been hiding from you.
I've stood all I can! I'm going
back to Broadway before it's too late.
But why?
Because back on Broadway
I've only the public to please.
Down here there are senators,
congressmen, cabinet officers...
snoopers, investigators
and professional reformers...
and a million and one selfish interests.
- I tell you, I'm through. I'm washed-up.
- Well.
That'll make interesting copy
for the newspapers, won't it?
I can see the headlines now.
"Famous Producer Returns A Failure. "
"Lawrence Cromwell Loses His Grip. "
"Even With The Support OfThe Government,
The Show Was Just Too Big. "
All right, I won't go back to Broadway.
I'll quit, but I won't go back. I don't have to.
I've got a little farm up in New England,
away from everybody.
- What'll you do there?
- Do what-What do I have to do!
What is this mania always to do something?
Maybe I'll just live.
You can't run away from yourself.
Wherever you go,
you've got to take you with you.
- What does that matter?
- If you quit and run away now...
you'll have to spend
all the rest of your days with a failure.
I know you too well to imagine that would
make you anything but miserable and unhappy.
Well, who cares?
I do.
Mary.
- Are you in love with me?
- Terribly.
- How much is that?
- Enough to go back to that little farm with you.
- Even if I go a quitter?
- Yes.
Although it'd almost kill me.
You see, I'm proud too.
I wouldn't want to spend all the rest
of my life with a failure, either.
Oh, Mary, Mary.
There's no sense to all this.
I was gonna tell you
I loved you too, but-
- Is it so hard to say?
- It's hard to live up to.
- Then you don't love me.
- The answer's not so simple, Mary.
You see, Mary.
I belong in show business.
And show business and a home don't mix.
Excuse me, Mr. Cromwell, but they're holding
that number for you on the audition stage.
Tell them to go ahead without me!
Can't you see I'm busy?
Yes, sir.
Do you want me
to look at it for you?
Oh, I don't care.
All right, Larry.
Larry, whether you're a quitter,
slightly insane or-
or ill-tempered, I love you.
You're the only man
I've ever wanted.
And when I want something,
I don't give up as easily as you do.
Hotch-cha-cha-cha-cha!
Hotch-cha-cha-cha-cha!
What, no reception?
It's mutiny. That's what it is, mutiny.
And me, who once mingled
with the elite. Am I mortified.
Hotch-cha-cha-cha-cha.
Hotch-cha-cha-cha-
Mr. Durante, is that you?
That's me. Look at me.
I'm a wanderer-
a gypsy, a strange Indian
whose taboo and to be for two...
without a toupee.
Yassuh, but, my goodness,
how you done shrunk up.
- My goodness-
- They cut me down. That's what they did.
They cut me down.
Me, who was once a mass of virility...
masculinity and trigonometry.
E Pluribus Aluminum.
The last time I seen you,
you was just as wholesome...
and standard-sized as you could be.
Yeah, they asked me to concentrate
and am I concentrated.
Oh, the mortification.
Once a Rembrandt, now a watercolor.
I could hide my face in shame.
They cut me down.
Lookee there, Mr. Durante,
you got a tail too!
I got a sad tale.
Where is it?
There's one in every office. Where is it?
Got me goin' around in circles.
I'm headin' for my last roundup.
That's what I am.
Yeah, you sure is in with your circumstances,
all right. Imagine that.
The last of the Durantes.
The last of the Durantes!
I'm gonna do somethin' to help you.
What are you gonna do?
Heave to! Let go!
Let go! What are you gonna do?
What are you tryin' to do?
Imagine. Imagine.
In the hands of a slavey- a black Friday.
Mr. Durante,
you oughtn' talk like that.
I have to put you
in the meetin' room.
Where ya takin' me?
I came in with a girl! Where is she?
See what your boys
in the backroom have had.
Now, you don't wanna call me slavey
and black Friday, 'cause I'll put you in there.
- You don't wanna go in there, do you?
- Not in there! I beg you!
I'm pleadin', not in there!
Oh, my public- my people.
What are they gonna say?
Let go! Let go, I tell ya!
You'd have never won that fight
if you hadn't pulled a knife on me.
That's what ya did.
You pulled a knife on me.
Got to let you go. Come on.
I gonna have to do somethin'for ya.
- You gonna like that.
- You'll rue the day. You'll rue the day.
Rue de Lappe. As the French say,
"Erin go bragh. "
You just be nice like that. I'm gonna do
somethin' to figure out how I can help you.
Now, what in the world-
I know.
I'll put you up here on this dictionary,
'cause you use so many big words.
- That might help.
- Call my congressman. I want my congress-
One, two, three-jump.
Hotch-cha- Hotch-cha-cha-cha-cha-
Hotch-cha-cha-cha.
And, see, I've-
Mr. Durante, don't do nothin' rash, hear?
Don't jump in there!
Oh, Lor-
Ohh! Don't drown yourself,
Mr. Durante.
Hey, Mr. Durante. Gonna do somethin'
for you. Mr. Durante, don't do-
I didn't know you like fish.
Don't bite that one
there in the middle.
That's Lizzie.
They have 'im trained.
That's Lizzie, huh?
Well, Lizzie doesn't live here anymore.
Maybe that's what's wrong with you.
Wait a minute.
Let me see.
- That might be showin' love.
- What, no halibut?
It's mutiny.
That's what it is. It's mutiny.
I'm mortified myself.
There is halibut there, Mr. Jimmy.
I don't care. I'll show ya.
I... seen one there. Couldn't miss it.
What are you gonna do?
What are you gonna do?
Here's one! Oh, here! Here!
Here's one, Mr. Jim!
- Is that a halibut?
- No!
No, that ain't no halibut.
I don't believe no halibut in here.
No! No, that ain't no halibut.
I guess you right, Mr. Jimmy. I got to
figure somethin' out to help you then.
I come here for halibut
and what do I get?
Kippered herring. Take me to Garbo.
Take me to Garbo.
Flash!
An unverified report from Washington states...
that Lawrence Cromwell
is about to leave that city.
He's admitted complete defeat, and his
resignation as secretary of amusement...
is expected within
the next 48 hours.
- Did you tell anyone I was leaving Washington?
- No, sir.
- Listen to that thing.
- This is a victory for those citizens...
who have worked to prevent Cromwell
from turning this country...
- into a nation oflaughing hyenas.
- What station is that?
- The Bluenose Hour I think, sir.
- Bluenose Hour.
That's all.
Thank you.
A wire just received in
this station verifies our last announcement.
Lawrence Cromwell will definitely
leave Washington this evening.
- He will, will he?
- The country can be thankful for the downfall of this man.
- I'm not down!
- He has proven himself a weakling and an empty windbag.
Come on over here
and tell me that to my face!
Once more the people may put their shoulders
to the wheel with dignity and courage.
- Shut up!
- Cromwell is dead. Long live our happy land!
So I'm licked, am I?
The Department of Amusement's
a failure, eh?
After tonight the bluenosers'll sing
their song of victory. Is that what you mean?
All right,
let me tell you something!
I'm not through!
I'm not licked!
I've never fallen down on the job,
and I'm not gonna fall down on this one!
- How was the budget meeting, Miss Adams?
- Oh!
- Well, we have to think up some new programs.
- New programs?
Radio stations everywhere
are reporting thousands of letters daily...
asking for more
of our Children's Hour.
Here's one that says homes are happier
because children are happier.
- Does Mr. Cromwell know about these?
- No, not yet.
Oh, I must tell him.
That's the first good news we've had.
- Larry, what do you think?
- I think I'm gonna stay right here in Washington.
- Oh, I knew you would.
- It hasn't anything to do with you or what you said.
If you think I'm gonna quit and give those
bluenoses a chance to laugh at me, you're crazy!
- I don't think that.
- Yes, but you did think it.
- No, I didn't- - No, don't give me
an argument. I'm in no mood to argue.
Mary, I'm gonna cut this department
down to a skeleton basis.
I'm going to keep three or four assistants,
and we'll use all our funds for one final effort.
Oh, Larry, I know you'll do it. Why,just now,
down in the Children's Department-
Oh, Mary, I'm sorry, but the Children's
Department is one of the first to go.
You understand that, of course.
The Children's Department to go?
Why certainly.
You know this is no game for children.
I only tolerated the department
this long, Mary, to keep you around.
- Flash.!
- Remember what I said now.
Washington is agog over a statement
just made in the Senate.
Completing his report on the Department
of Amusement, Sen. Tompkins said...
that the country owes a vote
of thanks to Lawrence Cromwell...
especially for his foresight
in creating a children's division...
and through the eternal
spirit of youth...
effecting a new era of good cheer
and healthy mindedness...
that already has seen itself throughout
the length and breadth of the land.
Excuse me, Mr. Cromwell.
The president's on the phone.
- The president?
- Yes, sir.
Hello?
Yes, Mr. President.
Hello?
Yes, Mr. President.
I'm greatly honored.
I shall stand by the department
as long as you have need for my services.
The real credit for our success should go to
Miss Mary Adams, head of the children's division.
Yes, Mr. President.
Thank you.
Mr. Cromwell,
I've got great news for you!
- What's the excitement?
- The depression is over!
- The depression is over?
- Over! Do you realize that?
Factories are opening up!
Men are goin' back to work by the thousands!
Our farm products
are being sold the world over!
Savings accounts are heaping up!
The banks are pouring out new loans!
There is no unemployment.
Fear has been banished, confidence reborn.
Poverty's been wiped out.
Laughter resounds throughout the nation!
The people are happy again.
We're out of the red!
Lawrence Cromwell...
the big theatrical producer,
is going to call on the president today?
Did I know it?
It's the talk of the White House.
- Lawrence Cromwell will be here at 11:30.
- I'm dying to see him.
Do you know that Lawrence Cromwell
is the authority on feminine beauty?
Lot of good that'll do you, Angie.
Yeah. I'm in the press room.
White House. Yeah.
Lawrence Cromwell.
Stand by for a statement.
After he sees the president.
Okay.
Well, I've been on the White House hitch
of the Secret Service...
for seven years now,
and it strikes me...
this guy Cromwell's
getting a lot of attention.
Yeah. Big New York theatrical shot.
Okay.
You'd think it was Lindbergh just
getting back from Paris or something.
- You are Mr. Cromwell's-
- General scout, sir.
Dinwiddle is the name- Eustis Dinwiddle
of Fern Hall, Hertfordshire, England.
By the way, I hope you
gentlemen of the press...
won't find it necessary to refer to me
as Mr. Cromwell's general, uh-
In fact, right-hand man.
And to say I've discovered
some of his most brilliant talent.
That's a little bit of information
I always keep to myself.
Do all the big theatrical producers
have general scouts?
Oh, no, sir.
Just Mr. Cromwell and myself.
- We're different, you know.
- What are the duties of a general scout?
Just general-
G- G-General scouting.
Looking for lovely girls. Mr. Cromwell
is always in the market for lovely girls.
Who isn't?
Come on.
Look out for that plane, boys.
Watch out for that blade.
- How do you do, Mr. Cromwell?
- Good morning, gentlemen.
- Good morning.
- New York Times, Mr. Cromwell.
- What's the purpose of this visit?
- I have no statement to make.
Well, surely-
Mr. President, may I present
Mr. Lawrence Cromwell?
- Mr. President.
- Mr. Cromwell.
I have admired your
theatrical productions for years.
- Thank you, Mr. President.
- Will you be seated, please?
Mr. Cromwell, our country is
bravely passing through a serious crisis.
Many of our people's affairs
are in the red...
and, figuratively,
their nerves are in the red.
But thanks to ingrained sturdiness...
their faith is not in the red.
Any people blessed
with a sense of humor...
can achieve success and victory.
We are endeavoring to pilot the ship past
the most treacherous of all rocks- fear.
The government now proposes
to dissolve that destructive rock...
in a gale oflaughter.
To that end, it has created
a new cabinet office-
that of secretary of amusement-
whose duty it shall be to amuse
and entertain the people...
to make them forget their troubles.
Mr. Cromwell...
we are drafting you and your
splendid talents into public service...
and it is with confidence
and pleasure that I offer you...
the cabinet position
of secretary of amusement.
Mr. President,
I find it somewhat difficult...
to express my feelings
at receiving this great honor.
I can only say that I accept
the portfolio of secretary of amusement...
and I shall do my best to merit
the confidence you are placing in me.
- Gentlemen.
- Secretary Cromwell...
these gentlemen of the press have been
informed of your appointment.
- Will you give them a moment?
- Yes. Of course.
What's your first move, Mr. Secretary?
Recruiting entertainers
from all parts of the world.
- How will entertainment be distributed?
- Divide America in 48 zones-
Also include Hawaii, the Philippine Islands,
Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands.
- What's Mr. Skimfiddle going to do?
- Mr. Dinwiddle...
will be invited to serve as general scout
for the Department of Amusement.
Mr. Secretary,
deeply mindful of the solemnity-
- Uh- Uh-
I'm deeply mindful of the solemnity...
- of the occasion.
- How many assistant secretaries will you appoint?
Twelve- radio, drama, motion picture,
circus, vaudeville, dancing-
- Circus Department, Avenue A. See Mr. Wertzel.
- Thank you.
- First tenor.
- Mr. Bagwell on the audition stage.
Oh,just a moment!
Mr. Butler has the tenors.
Low-voiced crooner.
See Mr. Butcher somewhere
in the music building.
Mr. Butcher.
Upstage!
Upstage, everybody!
- Upstage.!
- Look here, Dinwiddle, this has got to stop.
Everywhere I go, actors, acrobats.
They're driving me crazy.
- I shall compose-
- They storm me on the streets, in my car.
You've gotta do something.
I place the burden on your shoulders.
It's a burden I shall bear
with fortitude, sir.
Uh, vigilance. "Vigilance. "
That shall be my watchword.
Uh- Uh-
I shall have a slogan.
Of course, you know, they're
counting on Mr. Cromwell and myself...
to pull this country out of the red.
- Quite a job.
- Yes, indeed.
Am I correct in assuming that over here
a fellow gets into debt...
he keeps his accounts in red ink?
- That's right.
- When he gets out of debt, he changes them to black ink?
- Yes.
- Oh! Hence the expression, "Out of the red. "
- That's the idea.
- Oh, very amusing.
I must buy myself some red ink.
- Good morning, Mr. Secretary.
- Oh, hello, Arthur.
- Not much like your New York office.
- Well, this is the gingerbread.
The entire first floor
is part of the show.
Upstairs we have offices
that look like offices.
Gentlemen.
I want to impress upon
you assistant secretaries...
- and Miss-
- Adams. Mary Adams.
You appointed me head of
the children's division last week.
Oh.
I wanna say that the splendid
start we now have...
only emphasizes the importance
of teamwork and hard work.
Now, remember, the government
has appropriated 100 million dollars...
and is allowing 12 months in which
the Department of Amusement...
may prove its right
to permanency.
Now, gentlemen,
this is a pretty tough job...
for there's no telling where
undiscovered talent and genius may appear.
Your departments will be flooded
with applicants...
and you must see them all,
but send only the cream of the lot to me.
Unfortunately,
I can't see them all.
- Thank you. That's all. Miss, uh-
- Adams.
Yes, I want to see you a moment please.
Hello?
Check this carefully, will you?
"West Coast. Zone 36.
"One dozen jazz bands.
One gross chorus girls.
"One-sixth of a dozen
masters of ceremony.
"Zone 18, girl singers:
blues singers, two dozen, torch singers.
Boop-boop-a-doop singers- none. "
Okay. Now, Miss Monroe-
- Uh, Adams.
- Oh, yeah. Step here, will you, please?
Something I want to show you.
There's one phase of this amusement campaign
which I think you oughta understand.
The zones in-
You're beautiful.
Of course I'm not.
- What's that?
- I said I'm not beautiful.
Young woman, you're talking
to Lawrence Cromwell-
Lawrence Cromwell, the world's
authority on feminine beauty and charm.
Do you mean to stand there and question
my judgment on the subject of beauty?
- Do you?
- Oh, no. No. I was-
But you did question it.
Now you listen to me.
When Lawrence Cromwell says
a girl's beautiful, she's beautiful.
Oh, the very idea.
I demand an apology.
Your personality definitely puts you
in Class 10-A, Department "B"...
with a double-X rating
in my card index system.
And my system is the preeminent
beauty catalog of today.
Height, 5'4". Weight, 116.
Bust, 34. Waist, 26.
Hips, 36. Calf, 12 and 1 y2.
Ankles, 7.
Questioning my judgment.
That is good.
I'm really awfully sorry, Mr. Cromwell.
Never mind. Never mind.
Just let it be a lesson to you.
Get my New York office, please.
You're so very busy, Mr. Cromwell.
Don't you think-
- Oh, no. Stay where you are.
I haven't a thing to do.
Yes. Yes, of course
I want London, England.
Our European agent, Morris Feinberg.
Savoy Hotel. Okay.
- Yes. Now, Miss Jefferson, I'll
tell you what I want- - Adams.
Oh, yes.
- How do you like it here?
- Oh, very much.
It's all so interesting.
I think it's going to be much more
interesting now that you're here.
Oh, I mean, uh-
I mean, with the children and all that.
- You love children, don't you?
- Yes. I'm crazy about them.
Mm. So am I.
I used to be one myself.
- You rang, Mr. Secretary?
- Note to all departments:
"Suggestions from employees
for improving the service...
of the Department of Amusement
will be welcomed by the secretary. "
- That's all.
- Yes, sir.
I have a suggestion to make,
Mr. Secretary.
- Fine. Fine, what is it?
- You're working too hard.
- You think so?
- Positively. It isn't good for you.
Now, now.
This isn't the children's division.
No, I mean it. You're going
all the time,just like a machine.
Seeing hundreds
of people daily, losing sleep...
eating sandwiches in your office.
Don't you ever stop
for a real meal?
No. But that's an idea.
Suppose you and I have dinner tonight?
- Well, I-
- Fine. Fine. I'll call for you at 7:00.
For heaven's sake, let's select a caf
where there's no entertainment.
- This is going to do you a lot of good.
- You're telling me.
Cancel that last order
to motion picture producers.
Yes, sir.
The eastern papers.
Look at that. Look at that!
Wonderful cooperation from the press.
They've been with us from the start.
I know the department's going
to be a tremendous success.
Why they're laughing from
the Atlantic to the Pacific.
- Now, Scotty, do you know what your line is?
- Yes.
What is it?
That's it.
And then what do you say to them?
That's right.
Now get in your positions.
Put your hands
on each other's shoulders.
That's it. That's fine.
- Now, you'll all be back tomorrow at 4:00-
- Yes, Miss Adams.
and you'll know your lines
perfectly, won't you?
- Yes, Miss Adams.
- All right now.
You've all been very good
children today...
so I have a surprise for you.
- What is it? What do you have?
- Help yourselves.
Here, Maryanne.
There's one for you.
- Yes.
- Mr. George Bernard Shaw.
Send Mr. Shaw in.
George Bernard Shaw?
Yassuh.
- You're a little sunburned, aren't you?
- Yassuh, but...
see, I'm an outdoor man.
All right. Get outdoors.
No. No!
Now, boss,you're gonna need somebody
to help you-
Hello?
Zone 14. Okay.
Two dozen orchestras.
Two-and-a-half dozen
extra trombone players.
Zone 35, six dozen whirling Arabs,
Have my New York office get the complete score
and manuscript from last night's opening.
Believe I'm gonna like this place, sir.
All I gotta do is get used
to your likes and dislikes.
- No.
- You need somebody who can do...
Shim Sham Shimmy
with words and feet?
- No.
- Everybody's doin' it now.
I carry this board
so I don't spoil the rug.
It'll all fall off...
Folks like me.
Like that.
I need someone to stand at that door
when my secretary's at lunch...
to keep the wrong
kind of people out.
- Can you handle the job?
- If you tell me.
- You wouldn't let anybody get by?
- Nossuh.
Nobody can get by now
nohow, 'cause...
last three years I just
been barely gettin' by myself.
All right.
You're on duty.
All right, sir.
I won't let nobody by because
you say you don't want nobody in here.
I'll see nobody get by.
Now he didn't get by me, boss.
I got by him.
Yassuh, but I's startin' now.
Without any ifs, ands or buts,
we've got to see to it...
that this new
Department of Amusement is a failure.
But why take it so seriously?
Because we've made millions
of dollars worth of contracts...
based on the continuance
of the depression.
If Cromwell succeeds, if the mood and
temperament of the people become optimistic...
prosperity will arrive with a bang
and that will ruin us.
If he succeeds, yes,
but how can he affect the public at large?
After all he's only a showman,
sort of glorified town clown.
You're wrong there.
He's the man of the hour.
Not only is this country
watching him...
but the eyes of the world
are upon him and his efforts.
Moreover, he believes
in himself and in his work.
He's a man with a mission.
I've talked with him. I know.
It shouldn't be so difficult
to stop him.
Simply find the woman in his life.
No good with Cromwell.
He's spent his life...
in the company of the most
beautiful women in the world.
- He's not exactly a chump.
- Have you any ideas?
Yes, and rather ambitious ones...
but they require
organization and propaganda.
We must attack Cromwell
from every source-
the printing press,
political forums, the radio.
I've got you.
A campaign of ridicule.
Yes. The world is full
of pussyfoots, bluenoses and killjoys.
Laughter and gaiety
are their archenemies.
It shouldn't be hard to make them see
the hand of the devil...
in Cromwell's program
of national nonsense.
We'll put up millions
in cash to back our scheme...
and leave no stone unturned
until Cromwell is defeated.
Daddy! What are we waiting for?
We're waiting for
Miss Adams to send for us.
Oh. Will it be very long?
No, not very long-
Maybe a couple of hours.
Oh.
I got a surprise for you.
Close your eyes.
Hold out your hand.
- Oh!
- Now don't swallow it all at once.
Don't I get a kiss?
Yes.
Here. You sit right there.
Daddy's gonna telephone.
- All right. Bye.
- Good-bye.
Look at my apple!
Well, young lady,
what are you doing?
- I'm with my daddy.
- Where is your daddy?
- In Miss Adams' office.
- In Miss Adams' office?
Well, I guess we'd better go find him.
There now. Be careful
to get your feet in the stirrups.
That's right.
Now take hold of the reins...
and away we'll go
for a brisk canter.
Ah.
Come on there now.
- How's that?
- Whoa.
I like you.
And I like you.
I thought you said your father...
was going to come up
and meet you here in my office.
- Well, I wonder where he is.
- Downstairs.
Oh. What did you say
his name was again?
- Mr. James Dugan.
- Mr. James Dugan.
That's a nice name.
Do you suppose if I telephoned downstairs,
he'd come up here?
- Yes. I think so.
- All right. I'll do that.
I'm afraid, Mr. Dugan,
that I can't help you...
as much as I'd like to.
You see, Secretary Cromwell
has made it a strict rule.
Aw, come on. Isn't there some way
I can get in to see him?
- Maybe you could ask him.
- I'm sorry...
but I really wouldn't want
to bother him.
- He has so much on his mind.
- Bother?
Why that wouldn't bother him.
He'd thank you for bringing me in.
I'm Jimmy Dugan. Everybody knows Jimmy Dugan.
Excuse me. Uh, this lineup
is all right as it stands.
- Yes, Mr. Cromwell.
- Thank you.
Well, well.
- Now who is this young lady?
- Shirley Dugan.
Shirley Dugan?
Well, how do you do, Miss Dugan?
- My name is Cromwell.
- How do you do, Mr. Cromwell?
My daddy wants to see you.
Yeah. It's about me and Shirley.
That is... our act.
Oh, yes. Well, I'm sorry, but you'll have
to go through the usual channels.
Oh, I don't need work.
I'm booked solid for 40 weeks.
You heard about my act. Ten minutes
of songs and dances. Knocks 'em cold.
- It's about Shirley.
- Yes, well, that's in Miss Adams' department.
No, it's about that
new rule you made...
- that a kid under seven can't work in an act.
- Oh, yes. Well...
we had to make that ruling
to comply with laws of various states.
But Shirley doesn't really work in the act.
She just comes out...
at the finish and she loves it.
You see, it's this way, Mr. Cromwell.
Me and the missus had an act together.
Shirley was born and we brought
her up from the top of a trunk.
Everything was goin' swell...
and then...
Mrs. Dugan passed away.
Since then, Shirley and me
have been goin' it alone.
Well, don't you think
she needs a woman's care?
I couldn't leave her with anybody else.
Besides, I gotta have
her in the act with me.
She helps me over the rough spots,
build to a finish, like the missus did.
And look at her, Mr. Cromwell.
She thrives on it.
I gotta have her with me.
How's chances?
How's chances?
I think chances are great.
Come here.
Just a minute, ladies.
Let me remind you, gentlemen...
that we are members
of the Senate of the United States.
Ours is a solemn duty.
The people have entrusted us
to watch their affairs...
and to carry out the functions
of the government with dignity.
Here, here!
In justice to ourselves...
and to those who sent us here...
we cannot look lightly
upon the activities...
of the new cabinet member,
Lawrence Cromwell.
He is squandering millions
of the taxpayer's money...
to make of this government
a caricature.
Here, here.!
He hands out jokes
instead of jobs...
buffoonery instead of bacon.
Gentlemen, a sense of humor...
cannot assert itself
upon an empty stomach...
- nor can a nation endure on hollow laughter.
- Right.!
Uh, Mr. Chairman...
I move that we appoint
two gentlemen from this committee...
to wait on Secretary Cromwell at once.
Those in favor, say "aye,"
contrary-minded, "no. "
The "ayes" have it.
- The chair appoints Senator Short.
- Thank you, Mr. Chairman.
And Senator Danforth.
I shall expect
a report from you tomorrow.
They will get results.
Of course.
We've had our troubles.
But different zones require
different kinds of amusement.
For instance, the public is improved.
Its sense of humor is thoroughly awake.
Now if you care to go into this in greater detail,
Mr. Dinwiddle of this office will assist you.
- If it isn't too much trouble.
- Not at all. I'll send him in.
Thank you, gentlemen. If you'll excuse me,
I have important auditions.
- Go right ahead. -
Certainly. - Thank you.
A reasonable sort of fellow, isn't he?
- Yes, but I don't think you were firm enough.
- What's that?
I don't think you were
firm enough with him.
Oh, you don't?
That's a sound argument.
We've always been in accord.
Yes. We were together
on that Bolder Dam project.
- And we were together on the Red River Dam project.
- Yes.
In fact, we've been together
on every dam project.
I object to the word "every. "
Everything you say is quite true.
Quite true. But I still don't think
you were firm enough with him.
Hmm. Very interesting.
We owe to our constituents,
our people...
fair and unbiased representation.
I stand here,
the people's choice.
This is an issue
upon which I take a stand-
a grandstand!
I repeat.
I stand here the people's choice!
- I demand a lower tariff on haywire.
- I don't understand.
- I demand a lower tariff on haywire.
- Why, you snake.
After all we've been together
on every project...
I don't see why you shouldn't support me
on a lower tariff on haywire.
If you do support me
on a lower tariff for haywire...
then I'll support your demand
for a higher tariff on low wire.
The idea is for us to stick together.
Or, otherwise,
we'll never get along.
Ours is a beautiful friendship.
Yes, I can say that
it is an amazing friendship.
I'll go further than that
and say it is a beautiful friendship.
I can go a step farther than that
and say it is an everlasting friendship.
I'll go a first step further
than that and say-
Except, there isn't anything further.
In the stormy session of last spring,
who stood by my side?
You. In the darkest hour
of my political career...
who rallied to my support?
You. Who was closer to me
than my right hand?
Who was at my left side wh-
I don't understand why
you want to end our friendship.
All I ask you to do is support
my demand for a lower tariff on haywire.
If you do support my demand
for a lower tariff on haywire...
- I'll support your demand for a lower tariff on high wire.
- Everlasting friendship.
Well, we've been together for many years.
- What made pistachio nuts?
- But 16-inch guns do not mean naval supremacy.
I'm not sure inflation
is the best policy.
Mr. Cromwell seems to be
a nice fellow, doesn't he?
I don't think
he gets enough exercise.
- Do you suppose there's anything-
- Between him and Miss Adams?
- I hope so.
- You ought to investigate it.
That would be fun.
I say, that's a great act.
We can use you- five shows a day,
opening in Philadelphia tonight.
Shall we go to lunch?
- Do you feel like a little fish?
- Perhaps. How about the club?
Splendid. Let's walk.
I still don't understand why you won't support
my demand for a lower tariff on haywire.
After all we've been together
on every project-
You know, this is great.
This is just what I needed-
salt air, no telephones, no secretaries.
I thought it might
do you some good.
Why is everyone so anxious
to do me some good?
Because you've undertaken
an impossible task, Mr. Secretary.
You can't hope for the success
of your department in a lifetime...
- much less than the allotted 12 months.
- Oh, I don't know.
Reports from all over the country
show excellent results.
Merely hypodermic. The best
you can hope for is temporary effect.
Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Harly,
but I disagree with you.
If your manufacturers can sell
your products-your cigarettes...
your toothpaste, your cosmetics,
your automobiles-
by means of crooners,
comedians and dance orchestras...
well then I fail to see why
the government can't sell its idea...
of good health, good times
and good cheer through the same medium.
A fantastic idea.
Mr. Secretary, I've been an interested
follower of your career-
a great career.
Your future is still ahead of you.
It pains me to see you give it up.
Thanks, Mr. Harly, but I don't think
now is the time to talk about...
my department or the career.
- Yes, I did promise you a little rest, didn't I?
- Yes, you did.
Well just let me say one thing more.
How would you like to be...
the greatest figure
in the amusement world-
a king in your own domain,
free from political whims and obstacles?
- What do you mean?
- I mean simply this.
Resign as secretary of amusement,
and I'll build you a magnificent theater...
in every important city in America...
and in time extend them to London and Paris.
- You're not by any chance
trying to bribe me, are you?
Well, I think we can use
a prettier word.
Let us say "a foundation
for artistic achievement. "
Look here, Harly.
I don't know what's behind all this...
but I do know the only artistic thing to expect
from your gang is an artistic trimming.
You're passing up a great opportunity,
Mr. Secretary.
Yeah? Well, I've gotten
where I am today...
- by passing up great opportunities.
- Mmm.
Yes, yes, I know. But styles in songs
change,just as they do in clothes.
Now we've got to understand that
and keep ahead of the times.
One month it's "mammy" songs,
another hot songs or torch songs or-
Well, now, the country's crying for
hillbilly tunes, and it's up to us to deliver.
The public must be pleased.
Now, if we stick to that, before we're through,
we'll make 'em stand up and cheer.
That, gentlemen...
is the complete record
of all our efforts.
The work has been gigantic
and the results little or nothing.
Ah, but I know far better than you
that our slow progress...
is not due to any lack
of zeal or effort on your part.
We have come face-to-face
with an unseen foe-
some phantom force
is strangling our every move.
It's spreading discord and ill will
in the hearts of our people.
I know some of you have brought to
this very meeting letters of resignation.
Now get me clearly.
I will not accept those resignations!
How many of you will give me your word
right here to stand by your posts come what may?
- Jacobs.
- I'm with you.
- Bailey.
- Count on me.
- Feeley.
- I always enjoy a good fight.
- Ah, that's fine. Turner.
- I think you're-
- That's your final word?
- No, sir.
I can't believe, Mr. Secretary, that you
don't know what you're asking of these men.
There's a wave of rapidly growing
resentment against this department.
That resentment will soon
take definite shape against us.
If you have any regard
for the people in this room...
people who have given
their utmost to make you a success...
I say, if you have any feeling for them,
you have but one course-
- to close this department immediately!
- Turner, you're through now!
Will you kindly leave, and if there are
any other weaklings among you...
will you kindly go now.
Friends, I'm grateful
for the show of confidence.
I only hope your daring
will be rewarded with success.
Come on!
Let's get to work!
Larry, you were magnificent.
Do you think so?
What's the matter?
- But it was an act,just an act.
- An act?
- Yeah, I was acting every second. I didn't mean a word I said.
- You didn't?
- But you said-
- I know I said. I said-
I said a lot of things,
but you get this, Mary.
Turner's right. The department's doomed.
We haven't got a chance.
I didn't want them to know,
but I can't run out without telling you.
I'm through. I'm quitting!
Do you understand?
- What's really the matter? This isn't like you.
- It is just like me-
a me that you didn't know,
a me that I've been hiding from you.
I've stood all I can! I'm going
back to Broadway before it's too late.
But why?
Because back on Broadway
I've only the public to please.
Down here there are senators,
congressmen, cabinet officers...
snoopers, investigators
and professional reformers...
and a million and one selfish interests.
- I tell you, I'm through. I'm washed-up.
- Well.
That'll make interesting copy
for the newspapers, won't it?
I can see the headlines now.
"Famous Producer Returns A Failure. "
"Lawrence Cromwell Loses His Grip. "
"Even With The Support OfThe Government,
The Show Was Just Too Big. "
All right, I won't go back to Broadway.
I'll quit, but I won't go back. I don't have to.
I've got a little farm up in New England,
away from everybody.
- What'll you do there?
- Do what-What do I have to do!
What is this mania always to do something?
Maybe I'll just live.
You can't run away from yourself.
Wherever you go,
you've got to take you with you.
- What does that matter?
- If you quit and run away now...
you'll have to spend
all the rest of your days with a failure.
I know you too well to imagine that would
make you anything but miserable and unhappy.
Well, who cares?
I do.
Mary.
- Are you in love with me?
- Terribly.
- How much is that?
- Enough to go back to that little farm with you.
- Even if I go a quitter?
- Yes.
Although it'd almost kill me.
You see, I'm proud too.
I wouldn't want to spend all the rest
of my life with a failure, either.
Oh, Mary, Mary.
There's no sense to all this.
I was gonna tell you
I loved you too, but-
- Is it so hard to say?
- It's hard to live up to.
- Then you don't love me.
- The answer's not so simple, Mary.
You see, Mary.
I belong in show business.
And show business and a home don't mix.
Excuse me, Mr. Cromwell, but they're holding
that number for you on the audition stage.
Tell them to go ahead without me!
Can't you see I'm busy?
Yes, sir.
Do you want me
to look at it for you?
Oh, I don't care.
All right, Larry.
Larry, whether you're a quitter,
slightly insane or-
or ill-tempered, I love you.
You're the only man
I've ever wanted.
And when I want something,
I don't give up as easily as you do.
Hotch-cha-cha-cha-cha!
Hotch-cha-cha-cha-cha!
What, no reception?
It's mutiny. That's what it is, mutiny.
And me, who once mingled
with the elite. Am I mortified.
Hotch-cha-cha-cha-cha.
Hotch-cha-cha-cha-
Mr. Durante, is that you?
That's me. Look at me.
I'm a wanderer-
a gypsy, a strange Indian
whose taboo and to be for two...
without a toupee.
Yassuh, but, my goodness,
how you done shrunk up.
- My goodness-
- They cut me down. That's what they did.
They cut me down.
Me, who was once a mass of virility...
masculinity and trigonometry.
E Pluribus Aluminum.
The last time I seen you,
you was just as wholesome...
and standard-sized as you could be.
Yeah, they asked me to concentrate
and am I concentrated.
Oh, the mortification.
Once a Rembrandt, now a watercolor.
I could hide my face in shame.
They cut me down.
Lookee there, Mr. Durante,
you got a tail too!
I got a sad tale.
Where is it?
There's one in every office. Where is it?
Got me goin' around in circles.
I'm headin' for my last roundup.
That's what I am.
Yeah, you sure is in with your circumstances,
all right. Imagine that.
The last of the Durantes.
The last of the Durantes!
I'm gonna do somethin' to help you.
What are you gonna do?
Heave to! Let go!
Let go! What are you gonna do?
What are you tryin' to do?
Imagine. Imagine.
In the hands of a slavey- a black Friday.
Mr. Durante,
you oughtn' talk like that.
I have to put you
in the meetin' room.
Where ya takin' me?
I came in with a girl! Where is she?
See what your boys
in the backroom have had.
Now, you don't wanna call me slavey
and black Friday, 'cause I'll put you in there.
- You don't wanna go in there, do you?
- Not in there! I beg you!
I'm pleadin', not in there!
Oh, my public- my people.
What are they gonna say?
Let go! Let go, I tell ya!
You'd have never won that fight
if you hadn't pulled a knife on me.
That's what ya did.
You pulled a knife on me.
Got to let you go. Come on.
I gonna have to do somethin'for ya.
- You gonna like that.
- You'll rue the day. You'll rue the day.
Rue de Lappe. As the French say,
"Erin go bragh. "
You just be nice like that. I'm gonna do
somethin' to figure out how I can help you.
Now, what in the world-
I know.
I'll put you up here on this dictionary,
'cause you use so many big words.
- That might help.
- Call my congressman. I want my congress-
One, two, three-jump.
Hotch-cha- Hotch-cha-cha-cha-cha-
Hotch-cha-cha-cha.
And, see, I've-
Mr. Durante, don't do nothin' rash, hear?
Don't jump in there!
Oh, Lor-
Ohh! Don't drown yourself,
Mr. Durante.
Hey, Mr. Durante. Gonna do somethin'
for you. Mr. Durante, don't do-
I didn't know you like fish.
Don't bite that one
there in the middle.
That's Lizzie.
They have 'im trained.
That's Lizzie, huh?
Well, Lizzie doesn't live here anymore.
Maybe that's what's wrong with you.
Wait a minute.
Let me see.
- That might be showin' love.
- What, no halibut?
It's mutiny.
That's what it is. It's mutiny.
I'm mortified myself.
There is halibut there, Mr. Jimmy.
I don't care. I'll show ya.
I... seen one there. Couldn't miss it.
What are you gonna do?
What are you gonna do?
Here's one! Oh, here! Here!
Here's one, Mr. Jim!
- Is that a halibut?
- No!
No, that ain't no halibut.
I don't believe no halibut in here.
No! No, that ain't no halibut.
I guess you right, Mr. Jimmy. I got to
figure somethin' out to help you then.
I come here for halibut
and what do I get?
Kippered herring. Take me to Garbo.
Take me to Garbo.
Flash!
An unverified report from Washington states...
that Lawrence Cromwell
is about to leave that city.
He's admitted complete defeat, and his
resignation as secretary of amusement...
is expected within
the next 48 hours.
- Did you tell anyone I was leaving Washington?
- No, sir.
- Listen to that thing.
- This is a victory for those citizens...
who have worked to prevent Cromwell
from turning this country...
- into a nation oflaughing hyenas.
- What station is that?
- The Bluenose Hour I think, sir.
- Bluenose Hour.
That's all.
Thank you.
A wire just received in
this station verifies our last announcement.
Lawrence Cromwell will definitely
leave Washington this evening.
- He will, will he?
- The country can be thankful for the downfall of this man.
- I'm not down!
- He has proven himself a weakling and an empty windbag.
Come on over here
and tell me that to my face!
Once more the people may put their shoulders
to the wheel with dignity and courage.
- Shut up!
- Cromwell is dead. Long live our happy land!
So I'm licked, am I?
The Department of Amusement's
a failure, eh?
After tonight the bluenosers'll sing
their song of victory. Is that what you mean?
All right,
let me tell you something!
I'm not through!
I'm not licked!
I've never fallen down on the job,
and I'm not gonna fall down on this one!
- How was the budget meeting, Miss Adams?
- Oh!
- Well, we have to think up some new programs.
- New programs?
Radio stations everywhere
are reporting thousands of letters daily...
asking for more
of our Children's Hour.
Here's one that says homes are happier
because children are happier.
- Does Mr. Cromwell know about these?
- No, not yet.
Oh, I must tell him.
That's the first good news we've had.
- Larry, what do you think?
- I think I'm gonna stay right here in Washington.
- Oh, I knew you would.
- It hasn't anything to do with you or what you said.
If you think I'm gonna quit and give those
bluenoses a chance to laugh at me, you're crazy!
- I don't think that.
- Yes, but you did think it.
- No, I didn't- - No, don't give me
an argument. I'm in no mood to argue.
Mary, I'm gonna cut this department
down to a skeleton basis.
I'm going to keep three or four assistants,
and we'll use all our funds for one final effort.
Oh, Larry, I know you'll do it. Why,just now,
down in the Children's Department-
Oh, Mary, I'm sorry, but the Children's
Department is one of the first to go.
You understand that, of course.
The Children's Department to go?
Why certainly.
You know this is no game for children.
I only tolerated the department
this long, Mary, to keep you around.
- Flash.!
- Remember what I said now.
Washington is agog over a statement
just made in the Senate.
Completing his report on the Department
of Amusement, Sen. Tompkins said...
that the country owes a vote
of thanks to Lawrence Cromwell...
especially for his foresight
in creating a children's division...
and through the eternal
spirit of youth...
effecting a new era of good cheer
and healthy mindedness...
that already has seen itself throughout
the length and breadth of the land.
Excuse me, Mr. Cromwell.
The president's on the phone.
- The president?
- Yes, sir.
Hello?
Yes, Mr. President.
Hello?
Yes, Mr. President.
I'm greatly honored.
I shall stand by the department
as long as you have need for my services.
The real credit for our success should go to
Miss Mary Adams, head of the children's division.
Yes, Mr. President.
Thank you.
Mr. Cromwell,
I've got great news for you!
- What's the excitement?
- The depression is over!
- The depression is over?
- Over! Do you realize that?
Factories are opening up!
Men are goin' back to work by the thousands!
Our farm products
are being sold the world over!
Savings accounts are heaping up!
The banks are pouring out new loans!
There is no unemployment.
Fear has been banished, confidence reborn.
Poverty's been wiped out.
Laughter resounds throughout the nation!
The people are happy again.
We're out of the red!