Stand Up the Musical by Aadar Malik (2017) Movie Script
Ladies and gentlemen, put your
hands together for Mr. Aadar Malik.
Welcome, good evening welcome
To a narcissistic celebration
Of my pretentious talents
Excessive pageantry you may observe
I've already exhausted
most of my big words
This is a show that makes
you think that it will blow
It is offensive and racist
I hope your standards are low
Looks like it.
These are all of the words I know
I went through the dictionary to and fro
To make you like me before you go
And maybe get laid after the show
Doesn't look like it.
This is my genuine hope
That I come up with some new jokes
To make you laugh so hard
That you all cry and choke.
I think I went a bit
overboard with that joke
These are all of the words I know
Please keep your phones on silencio
Don't shoot this show on video
Because we're doing it,
there's like eighteen cameras here, guys.
And don't touch each
other in the back rows
I see you white shirt.
Cigarette smokers please go outside
Cannabis, you can smoke on the side
You should try everything
once or twice
Because we have to try everything
once or twice in life.
Once or twice, once or twice.
To these people I recommend cyanide
On that very cheerful note
Let us start this
one man gloating session
I'm ready for you all to say...
Let's go!
Everyone 123! Let's Go!
Good evening ladies and gentlemen.
How are you?
I am really glad that I get
to perform in front of you guys.
I am so happy that you guys
could join me for shooting this.
This is my first comedy special.
Yes, thank you.
Thank you.
And a round of applause
for you guys for coming out.
I am really happy.
I'd like to understand the audience
that I'm kind of performing for,
the demographics.
So people above thirty, give me a cheer.
People under thirty give me a cheer.
The sound of unbroken dreams.
All their dreams have
not been crushed yet.
Let's just address this
right now in front of you.
I kind of right now
look like a Muslim Jon Snow.
I wish I'd look like something from
Game of Thrones when I grew my hair.
I really wanted to.
I ended up looking
like Muslim Bobby Deol.
"You're in my breathe, you're in my talks."
"My..." I am so sorry,
I can't sing more of that
line because IP infringement.
I'd like to do parodies
but I can't do it.
All the songs that you hear tonight
are original songs that I've written.
Thank you.
It's not like I am averse to
doing parodies, I like parodies,
it's just that songs in this
country have more rights than women.
So I am forced to be original.
Okay, so let's just start.
This show is about...
me.
And...
So let's just talk about
how I came into existence.
My parents,
they were a very unorthodox couple.
They had a love marriage.
It was nice, it was beautiful.
Like basically love marriage means
you didn't go to your mummy and said,
"Mummy please gibberish Please mummy.
It's enough now.
I am thirty years old, mummy. Please!
Please don't do this to me, mumma!"
My father was self sufficient that way.
He found someone.
And he fought, you know.
It was a Hindu-Muslim
marriage in the '80s.
They fought against
the times to get married.
It was a big deal at that time,
you know.
Hindu-Muslim...
Thank you for applauding.
And...
Yea, it was a big deal for them, man.
Because my father, they went
through that entire conversion process.
My father converted from Muslim to Hindu
and my mother converted
from Hindu to Muslim.
On the same day.
So they basically
cancelled each other out.
It's like when the priest was converting
my father, he was shouting at him.
"You are a sinner. You have sinned."
In the evening the imam
was shouting at my mother going,
"You are infidel.
You've...infideld. Just..."
My grandfather was just confused,
"What is happening?
Is he trying to rhyme?
Is this a competition between
the priests and the imams?"
It was exciting.
It was this beautiful
confusion that was happening.
And that's what these
weddings are supposed to be
because in my parent's wedding,
even the guy getting
them married was getting confused.
He was like, "Aaa, sorry! Om mangalam.
Extreme fuck up um, extreme fuck up um."
"Place your hand on the Gita."
"Oh no, this is a Quran."
"Who got the Bible over here?
Seriously guys. Who is doing this?"
My grandfather was just playing it safe.
Nobody should object it.
Like take some few rounds
around the laughing buddha too.
Just to be safe.
"Now the woman will go ahead."
"Everyone lie down like this."
It was wonderful.
This chaos that happens and...
And that's how I came into this world.
So, I am half Hindu and half Muslim.
So I get really confused during riots.
And most of the time I
am just throwing rocks at myself.
It's just...
Really confusing.
"What is this?
Hindu blood? Muslim blood?
No, this is my blood. What am I doing?
What the hell is wrong with me?"
My parents were beyond
that childishness.
And that's what is wonderful
about marriages in this country.
About weddings.
Because weddings are like a carnival.
And aunties lose all sense
of shame at these weddings.
They are dancing like
there is no tomorrow.
Things are moving inside
the loose end of the sari
where God did not
intend body parts to be.
What is happening over here?
What are these bulges
coming out in different places?
You know you are fat when you've got
love handles on shoulder blades, okay?
Because their blouses are so tight,
you can see cleavage at the back, okay?
And there are some horny teenagers
looking at this back cleavage and,
"Oh man.
Pramila aunty is looking so hot.
Oh my God! Oh my God!"
Dude, there is no face on top of that
cleavage. Let's just calm down, okay?
There is no face.
"No man, she is looking
so hot and I love her."
Seriously?
What's happening over here?
And relationships are complicated.
Like I met the love of my life,
the first love that I ever had.
I met her at a wedding.
And it was a special moment.
And it didn't really last.
It doesn't because it's childhood
romance and that's what happens.
And...
we broke up.
And the break up...
I decided to write
a song about the break up.
So, yeah!
Aww, thank you.
So this song is about that girl.
It's dedicated to her.
We started off as quite the thing
Now it looks likes it was just a fling
Take my word,
trust me it's worth the sting
And you know what I am
saying but I start to sing
Start to sing...
Start to sing...
Girl I think I love your sister
When you weren't
looking I would kiss her
When she calls me I run assist her
But not you because I
think I love your sister
Things are exactly as they seem
You're a nightmare, she's a wet dream
She let me taste her
black berries with cream
If you, if you know what I mean
We couldn't have worked,
sweetheart it's true
She is Pocahontas, you're Ballu
You're Ballu...
You're Ballu...
By Ballu I don't mean
you are fat or anything.
I just think...
you are hairy.
That's why I think I love your sister
Just like ice cream I can't resist her
We play airport-airport, I frisked her
But now I think I love your sister
Your sister's awkward
because I am telling you the truth
Now she left me I've
got neither her nor you
My love story ended before it was due
Now for stag entry
I am a stand in a queue
Stand in a queue...
Stand in a queue...
Actually, I don't mind you know.
I can stand in a queue.
I am over her.
I don't need a woman
to complete me in my life.
I'll pay three thousand bucks.
But I think I still love your sister
She left me and I really miss her
Now rebound anyone will do
Even you but know that
I still love your sister
What?
You found someone who loves you for who
you are he must be poor and also useless
Oh he is rich and he
drives such an expensive car
Why don't you get married
and exchange garlands
Exchange garlands...
Exchange garlands...
Oh, you are?
Oh, I am so happy for you.
You got me your wedding card?
So sweet.
I didn't know what to do.
I wanted to jump down a well.
But my best friend, he helped me.
He's just so swell
I went to his house
Told him everything I confide
and that's when she walked in
and offered me peri-peri fries...
So you've made my
best friend your mister
But you're a perfect skin, he's a blister
There are just certain
lines among friends
And you crossed it bastard,
I think you're adopted
I should've never loved your sister
You're the keeper
I should've skipped her
If I was Schindler I won't list her
But you are too
Because you're better
than both your sister...
I mean...uh...not both your sisters.
I don't know about the older sexy one.
I mean she's not sexy
at all like the older.
She's probably beautiful on the inside
I mean I've not seen her from the inside.
Not at all...uh...
I mean...uh...
Infact she also is like a sister...
Thank you.
Thank you.
I just feel like...
that's how it happened.
Has that happened to you?
It's so common, right?
So...
I just, I wanted to like achieve
something beautiful
with the love of my life.
And that's the whole speciality
with relationships because
you have to find
someone who is special because
love is like a feather in the
wind and when you finally catch hold...
Okay fuck.
I can't get through it.
I can't because it's about sex, guys.
That's what it is and we are
so repressed with sex in this country.
We don't want to talk about it.
We wrote the Kama Sutra, for God's sake.
Like it was like desi
playboy on papyrus rolls.
It was this beautiful publication
at that time, you know.
It was like cosmopolitan,
it's just like...
Fifty ways to satisfy your lover...
anally.
Like your ancestors have
experimented more with their anus
than you've probably used
it in your entire lifetime.
They have.
Thank God there was no
Nutella at that time because
otherwise there'd be detailed
positions with Nutella.
Everybody loves Nutella, guys.
There is one position in the Kama
Sutra called the 'suspended scissor'.
It's just sounds dangerous.
It's scary like it's got
a difficulty level of eleven on ten.
Like even they were like...
"Oh wow! It looks awesome. What is it?"
It involves taking
one of the woman's legs,
putting it between your legs,
grabbing her other leg and
the rest of her body like a guitar.
And then do something...
with it.
It's the most elaborate
way of jerking off.
I've ever figured because
nobody's getting happy here.
After two hours in the damn local train,
I don't want to do the suspended
fucking scissor, alright?
Yea, I went to Khajuraho a few months
ago because I couldn't afford Bangkok.
I love Bangkok because
their currency is called Baht
because that's what you have
to have after you use the currency.
Yes, yes. It's okay.
Yes, you can applause happy ending.
Yes!
And, Khajuraho has this one
statue that is etched in my mind...
forever.
You know,
it's going to take time for it to leave.
It's like seeing your father naked.
It's stuck in your head.
It's just stuck.
You can't unsee that...
for a while.
So this statue was...
it's a man standing
in every way possible.
And he's got a woman's
legs wrapped around his neck
and she's bent over backwards
and she's doing this reverse sixty nine.
Just picture that for a moment.
This is not an artist's imagination.
It didn't come to him in his dream.
The artist probably
saw this and he's like...
"Fuck I got to warn
people about this shit.
What are you guys doing?
What the hell is wrong?
How can you go like this? What is this?
This is like exorcist shit going on.
What is wrong?
You'll get a slip disc, stop."
This is like it was
medieval porn at that time.
If you really think about it.
Like you think like
'90s buffering was bad,
these guys were waiting
for stone to erode.
"Yes, one day.
One day.
What? You've only reached the stomach?
What are you doing?
You're on the stomach right now.
Get to the top, man."
And okay,
like if they have those sex dolls,
like they're made of stone at that time.
What's wrong with loving an object?
Seriously.
What is wrong with loving an object?
Like everybody's like
don't get attached to objects
but objects are our entire life.
Okay, you probably love your girlfriend,
you'll probably be away from her
for two months and
you'll be like Skyping...
"I really miss you. Send me nudes."
You'll be having those
conversations with her.
You can stay away from her
for two months and you're fine.
You'll be crying about it
but two minutes without WI-FI...
and you'll be shitting bricks.
And I like to appreciate this
beautiful miracle of technology.
So I decided to write
a song about WI-FI.
This under appreciated beauty.
So this is my song about WI-FI.
So this is my song about WI-FI.
This will be edited.
Day or night you are always turned on
No complaining when I'm on my phone
When I feel dumb you give me neat facts
With you there,
there are no strings attached
When you're around
I don't need any girls
It's so easy to catch all your signals
Hey wi-fii
You are my life-ee
Hey wi-fii
I work in ISometimes I feel
that you seem so plastic
The green in your flashing eye fantastic
I fear losing you if I stray far
All my friends want you I give neighbours
I always knew where all this could lead
You liked things slow
but I liked high speed
When you gave it I felt like a man
With you I've got unlimited plans
Hey wi-fii
You are my life-ee
Hey wi-fii
I bought you a nightie
Dust cover.
We were meant to be when
I stole you from my uncle
When I come home to
you I can pull out my dongle
You've taken me and put me up on a cloud
But I hated dialing up your mom
she's too loud
"brrrrraaaeeeeeeooooo
gggrrrrrrrrpppuurrrrrrrr
Error 404. Connection lost!"
Thank you.
Now that I have proved
that I'm comfortable
with my masculinity
with the small guitar...
Ah, yes!
This is a jumbo size guitar.
It's bigger than your average...
Just making that clear.
This first song is titled,
"The fastest song in the world".
Thank you.
It is also called sound check.
As you can tell by my music,
I am heavily inspired by metal.
Metal is a great genre of music, guys.
Okay?
You really need to appreciate it because
it's got so many intricate layers.
It's wonderful and my mother
just doesn't understand that.
So I want to do like...
like make it accessible to her.
So I decided to write
a metal song tribute...
for my mom!
Yes!
It goes something like this.
It actually goes exactly
like this because I wrote it.
Here we go.
Gibberish
Death!
Gibberish
Suffering!
Gibberish
Devil 666!
Gibberish
Lollipops!
Gibberish
Really loud noises!
Growling!
Thank you.
My mother had a heart attack.
It's serious, guys.
She was eating because cholesterol.
That's all my favourite
metal song lyrics in one.
If you listen to that song backwards,
that's my address in Andheri east.
Satanic verses.
It's, "CHAKALA!"
Relationships have changed.
Like quoting someone.
I tried to get like women
in the traditional way, you know.
Earlier, Facebook.
Now it's like changed.
I don't know, man.
Everything is exploding, guys.
Tinder has become a big deal.
The most enjoyable part about
Tinder are the conversations.
Hands down.
Like, seriously.
What woman isn't love struck by,
'Want to fuck?'
Or wooed by, 'Send nudes.'
Or goes weak in the knees with,
"This is my penis."
"You send yours, I'll send this."
"No, no! I didn't download.
This is original."
Who does this?
Like, who sits like this...
No, I'll take it from the low angle.
What flexibility, man!
It's not the intention on Tinder.
It's not the intect, you know.
Because everybody is
there for the same reason.
And if you guys are saying
that it is friendship, like seriously.
It's like watching porn
for the cinematography.
Just shut up.
So everybody is there
for the same reason.
So you should kind of,
like just up your game guys.
You know, maybe Shakespearise it.
Romeo Juliet was essentially
just 'want to fuck' in pentameter.
What light through yonder window breaks?
Nip slip.
Yeah!
Like, what light through
yonder window breaks?
"Show me something.
I've been standing here all night."
The things Leonardo Dicaprio will do.
I kind of decided like we are
ignoring the basic figures of speech.
Like we've got so much in our
arsenal available in this language.
It's rich.
So we should use it.
So I decided to write a song.
But I realise men get
confused if it was in a song.
So I decided to write a poem.
It's a nursery rhyme, essentially.
That they can understand.
This is a lovely song about
impressing women on Tinder.
I know it's hard
Trying to make up lines on Tinder
I know it's tough
Trying to satisfy
her with just a finger
Check out the precision
You don't need to pay a fee
For a sexting PhD
You don't want to hear me sing
All you guys want to do is flings
Fine guys. I'll help you overreach
With these dope figures of speech
You could say, "Hey send nudes!"
Or alliterate it either
Like bring forth your
boisterous bosom and beaver
Or maybe try out a hyperbolic tune
Like when I get excited
you can spot me from the moon
But reality states
and I must claim finally
What lies between
my thighs I call it irony
You may grunt and giggle
at the girth of my basement
But guys that was some
lighthearted understatement
Look at the guitar.
Simile-arly, I'm like a wild horse,
I can run for hours
Metaphorically,
I'm quite the ass in the shower
The metonymy of my pen being
mightier than your ex's sword
Antithetically shows he's a
demon and I'm your path to, 'Oh my god'
These are a few tips
to make the ladies swoon
From sincerest forking
to maybe even spoon
You go down I rise
up and addictive detox
Ah! The oxymoronic paradox
I love those, doesn't everybody.
A punny attitude you could adopt rather
Can I dock my battleship
in your pearl harbour
Or is it girl harbour?
I'd ring you like a
dinner bell all personified
You'd be going ting
ting ting onomatopoeia-sed
My anthropomorphic dog
things you're really cute
See talking about your pet makes
you seem nice and not a ch-chimpanzee
So go ahead overreach with
these incredible figures of speech
You can flirt like an aristocrat;
not sext like a creep
This tune is a reminder
incase you miss them
By the way all of the
above were euphemisms
Thank you!
I spent some time on Tinder.
It was weird because Muslim Tinder is
a little different from regular Tinder.
Yeah!
In Muslim Tinder we swipe up.
One, two, three, come.
Talking about love,
there is all kinds of love.
That's what this whole show is about.
That's pink jacket.
Any pet owners in the audience?
Like it's...
Yeah, give me a cheer!
Yeah!
Yeah, it's awesome to own a pet, right?
It's so...
It's so exciting because
you got them right
since they are a little kid,
you're taking care of them.
You are feeding them.
You get to put them on a leash and
show them off to your friend, like...
"See, she is mine."
Yeah, you can't do
that with your girlfriend.
They mind, apparently.
The toughest part is stopping
them from eating their own shit.
I have dated weird women.
So this song is about my pet
and...
He is no longer around.
Yeah!
I really miss him.
All the ladies go, "Aww!"
So here it goes...
This song always gets me laid.
Oh my goat
Oh my goat
Your backside is tiny
and your horns are big
Your udders are shiny and very pink
I like to
Stroke your beard from start to end
It's the same in length
as my ex-girlfriend
Oh my goat
Ramzan is,
Round the corner it's a bit dramatic
Pardon me I can't help it
Your life is,
Beautiful and end is tragic
But I need my biryani
My God demands it
This is my duty and yours
We cannot stop it
There is no room for loss
Only Prophet
This is my very special goat
Sometimes I kiss him on his lips
This is my very special goat...
ooooo...
baaaa...
I tried to sell that song
to PETA and they were like...
"No need."
They are so close-minded
about these things.
Don't get them.
So...
Now I have a dog.
He is safe.
He is a delicacy in China.
Yea, he's a Chow Chow.
He's a Chinese dog.
And he's extraordinarily cute.
He is.
He's genuinely cute.
Like he is not like your
friend's ugly baby cute.
He is really...
cute.
Like I'm not saying
it for the sake of it.
No.
He really is because
people leave their own dogs
and come to my dog
to take selfies with him.
All the other dogs are like...
"Who is that, man?
Who is he? Is he some celebrity?
What are you saying?
He has his own Instagram account?"
I don't know how dogs are doing this.
But he is awesome.
The kind of attention I
have gotten because of this guy.
The fastest way to get a woman down
her knees with her mouth open is a dog.
It's just, "AWWW!"
My dog is kind of like
an old man in the house.
Like, kind of like your grandparents?
He walks around the house like
going into people's rooms
and just looking and...
"What's happening?"
"You wanted something?"
"No!
Was just checking if you're alive.
Had food?
And for me?
Alright."
He is incredible.
Speaking of old men...
my grandmother...
My grandmother is 80 years old.
And she's a wonderful lady.
She is this open minded,
brilliant woman, you know.
And she's kind of
losing her hearing now.
And it's ironic because all
of us are musicians in the family.
Somebody screwed up
her ear drums apparently.
But you can't get
anything past her because
she's got a sense of humour about it.
Like there are times when
like she's not wearing her hearing aid.
Me and my dad would just
mute the television and go...
"This sounds good, right?"
"No, do you think I am a moron?"
She says that.
That's what is cool
about my grandmother.
I love her because
she says stuff like that.
She's straight.
And recently she's
been getting after me...
to give her a child.
Yeah.
She's blackmailing now.
It's just gone down
to blackmailing like...
"Please reproduce
2-3 kids before I die."
Like it would've been easier
if I would've been in the stone age.
You know because
there was no life expectancy
of grandparents in those times.
You barely had parents back then, man.
Like one day you will go out hunting
and you come back and mummy goes,
"Where is dad?"
"Dinosaur."
"I am fed up of these dinosaurs.
This is has become an everyday hassle.
Your dad is also not less."
So it would've been easier
like because that was a simpler time.
You know, you see a woman, club her...
baby. Just like that.
Simpler times.
But now it's complicated,
you have to quote
people and my grandmother
doesn't understand that.
And I'm like why do you
want me to have children so badly?
She's like...
"Kanta aunty's grandchild
has 2 kids now."
One second.
Your entire motivation for
me to have children is so that
you can show off to your
building nemesis Kanta aunty.
And what is being shown off here?
Like, "See?
My grandchild's sperm works Kanta, see!
Genetics."
What is she showing off?
I genuinely want to
have kids but not right now.
I am in my 20s and
I feel 20 year old men...
Women, you guys are perfect.
You guys are perfect.
Men, we are the screwed up people.
Yes.
Like, we've just gotten
over playing with action figures.
We cannot be allowed with this life.
Yea, look at these assholes.
Look at all of them.
These are the people
who will carry their child
with the foot like
holding them by their legs.
Some two year old.
Yea, he gets hit on
his head by the stairs.
Just like...
We are dangerous with children.
We shouldn't be having kids right now.
I have friends who got kids
and they are in their twenties.
And I went to a friend's house
and he is twenty five and his son
his little boy had just learnt to walk.
Like it was this magical moment.
This three year old,
little boy walking for...
He's a bit late.
But...
It's like Forrest
Gump happening over here.
For the first time.
And this is what my twenty five
year old friend chooses to show me.
"Look at him fall."
"Look, he fell again."
They are so trusting.
"He'll come back to me for food."
We shouldn't be allowed
to have kids right now.
We are not mentally equipped to do this.
But finding someone, getting married...
it is definitely on the cards.
I really want to do that one day.
And...
It's weird because just
when I had given up hope...
in walked this beautiful
woman into my life.
And the moment I saw her,
it was love at first sight.
And after three months
of just intensively...
dating her.
Don't corrupt it.
We took the next big step.
Big step.
We broke up.
I mean it wouldn't have worked because
I was Muslim and she was crazy, okay?
That's a dangerous
combination to have, guys.
You know, Muslim genetics
to mix with crazy genetics,
that's how this shit started
in the first place, okay?
Our children would be farting RDX.
Just pull the diaper down,
building down.
You...
I can't!
And she was crazy because
after our first fight,
she called me up at
3 O'clock in the morning.
And I shit you not
this is what she said.
"How many sleeping
pills does it take to die?"
Have you ever felt your balls
touch the tentacles of your brain
and come back down?
It's like this weird
pinball machine, right?
"Dhanananananadan!"
And they are not even
coming down straight.
It's like Tetris.
You don't know if they are
going to land in the right place.
Where is this going, man?
Rotate it, rotate it.
Oh no! It's gone to my knees now.
Oh my God!
I was scared.
My whole life was
flashing before my eyes.
And then she left her phone
next to her computer speaker playing,
"This is how you repay my love."
Every time I hear that song now,
it's just like...
"Whoooo!"
Can't go to parties anymore.
What kind of parties was I going to
if they were playing that music anyway.
She had a foot fetish.
Now you can have a foot
fetish in Europe, in America.
But in India,
with slippers in the dirt...
you don't want that to happen.
Indian men have the worst
toe nails in the world.
Yes, it is.
It's like banana wafers.
Black in the centre
and yellow all around.
That's...
terrible!
That is the reaction we need.
Yes, ladies!
Raise your voice.
And I can't forget her because
I lost my virginity to this woman.
I know, it's already a laughing matter.
But you can't forget
because it's a very...
it's a very emotional
moment for any human being.
You are...
It's such an important
moment in your life.
And that's what it is.
Precisely.
One moment.
Just that one tiny
moment when it happens.
Just like, "Ey! Done!"
One moment.
And there is so much
hard work behind that moment.
You find a place where
you can actually do it.
And then you have to try and
convince her and then she's like...
"I'm having second thoughts."
And you're like...
"Hey, I've already paid the deposit.
What are you saying?"
And then buying that fucking condom
and then you find that perfect
medical store and you're like...
"It's empty!"
And you run towards
it and you ask for a condom.
And just when you've
called for it like three women
in burkas show up behind you.
And then they're looking
at you and he's saying...
"We don't have the one you want.
You want this one?
This? This one? And this?"
And that woman is judging you.
And she's ordering sanitary
pads at the same time
and then I'm like,
"Whatever you have just give it to me."
And then he is wrapping
it in black paper,
her sanitary pads and your
condoms and you're thinking like...
"Why does she need
a black wrapping because
this is a normal body function, man.
It shouldn't be like that, man.
She shouldn't be embarrassed about it."
And then you're like...
"No no, I have to go and have sex now.
No no, I have to go and have sex now.
Alright, I'll write a blog about it."
I run with the bloody
condom and then I'll be like...
"Aaah!"
Running!
Running for it and you finally
get there and you are over excited.
You're trying to tear that
bloody packet somehow because
you've been doing things
and it's just like all slippery
and you open it and you're like
and then you can't get
it on and you're like...
It's come off!
And then you're taking
a second one and then...
"Oh man, this is other way round."
Then you're like...
You finally get it done.
All this torture for...
"Ey! Done."
And you're so happy.
You're thinking of all the friends
that you're gonna call the next day.
"Raj, you know what happened?"
And I can't forget that specific night
because here when you cross over
it's that excitement.
When you cross over,
it's like a Bangladeshi
crossing the border to India.
He's so much happy.
Nobody found out.
Nobody found out! Yaay!
And in my case it was inside
her parent's abandoned bungalow.
Yeah!
She took me to this abandoned bungalow.
And...
when we were mid-way through the...
the friction...uh...
We heard a noise.
So I had to check because I am a man,
I have high testosterone in my body.
I'll check.
I am strong.
And...
I go and it's coming from the toilet.
So I go inside the toilet.
I open the door and there
is a man trying to break,
there's a thief trying to break
into the toilet through the window.
And both me and the thief
just froze for two seconds.
And there was eye contact.
And I'm standing there
naked with a condom on.
That thief must have been thinking...
"What is this fucker
expecting from this robbery?
I have to face all this just
for stealing a flat screen TV."
And what scared me
in hindsight is that
that guy actually considered it for a second.
"No, no! Let it be."
Getting back on the pipe.
So that's how I lost my virginity.
Didn't happen to you?
That's odd.
Okay so this song is a bit
serious because it's about my life.
Any fans of rap?
Alright.
That's what we're gonna do.
This is a song about
wrapping wrapping wrapping...
Listen to me because I have
an accent accent accent accent...
Wrapping is only meant to those
who are intelligent intelligent
intelligent gent ent ent ent...
It's only meant to those
who walk on two feeeeeet
Asshole is really overdoing the gag.
Except people in wheelchairs.
They can wrap from wheelchairs,
that's alright.
Alright?
Let's break it down, yeah!
I'm just a guy who wraps a lot
I've been in so many fights
that I have never fought
You're looking confused
like you lost the plot
Like a guy who wants to
poop and can't fight the pot
Wrapping is who I am it is what I do
When the ladies see
me wrapping they all say
Ooo! He does it so fast!
Wrapping it's just too awesome you see
Without it we would all just cease to be
Spell it
W R A P!
Yeah! W R A P!
I hurt myself the other
day so I wrap my knee
You can wrap anything
From ACs to TVs
Even your nagging wife
If you want a good job
you should even wrap your CV
Yeah!
What would we do without wrapping
Yeah Rihanna. Very nice.
All our gifts would
lie like naked things
She's so naked.
Let's break it down.
Let's break it down.
Plastic wrap over wrap mutton wrap
More than just a few
Egyptians wrap their dead
We call them mummies
Me and you
When your heart feels wrapped
Pains and hurts a lot
It's not really a wrap,
you fool, it's a blood clot
If it gets diagnosed
there's a chance you will die
I wrote most of these
lyrics when I was really high
I live on the 7th floor of my building,
it's really high. FSI. For Mumbai!
Yeah!
I can't, not, never do that
Triple negatives in a sentence
That's where it's at
I can spend all day
just popping bubble wrap
Everybody put your hands together
That's a clap
That's a clap
That's a clap
A cappella A cappella
we're going A cappella
Internet with no wires
Where does it come from?
Wrap - wireless router
application platform
To keep it from scratching
people wrap up their phones
The whole world is wrapped
it's called the ozone
My rhymes are so dense
Like a sheep wrapped in wool
Yo Yo Honey Singh is
an evolutionary mistake
Water is blue because
it reflects the sky you fool
Everybody scream!
Pretend I said something cool
Yeah! Yee-ah!
Yee-ah!
Synonyms of yeah!
Absolutely!
Most definitely!
Yeah in other languages
Oui oui oui
Da da da
Gracias!
That's actually thank you.
I was just testing.
If you're feeling my rhyme
Let's make love in this segment
I'll wrap myself too
So that you don't get pregnant
No no no!
No pregnant no pregnant
I made a mistake once
with consequences unseen
A word of advice don't
ever wrap it with polythene
Polythene
Polythene
Polythene
Polythene
I love music.
I've been chained to this
since I was seven years old.
Now it just happens.
I truly love music and
I love every genre of music.
And I really want to embrace them
and it's incredible.
I want to do it but there are
few moments that I want to avoid it.
Like new year's.
Okay!
Because it's just,
I want to avoid the noise,
the screaming,
the amount of people everywhere.
This overload of music that happens.
So I wanted to do something
different this year.
So I went to Goa.
It was weird because
it was for the first time
that I went to a psychedelic concert.
I've never been to
a psychedelic concert.
It's really hot for me to go there.
Because after all night
of Bollywood dancing...
which was happening at a regular party,
the psychedelic concert
takes you into the morning.
That's what happens.
It's called morning psy!
Morning 'Sigh'!
That's a pun that I had to do which
nobody gets because everybody's high.
And seriously after dancing
like in weird Bollywood dance
moves this makes sense
out of Bollywood dancing, okay?
You go to a psychedelic concert
and everybody is just vibrating like
atoms in a molecule in the same place.
They're just...
And I thought I would be out of place.
So I was also like...
"Alright. Let's just do this.
I don't want to upset this formation."
And I was the only sober person there
because I don't drink or smoke.
And I was just watching these
people like they are high beyond reason.
Like there was this
neon peacock behind the DJ
and everybody is staring
at that peacock and just...
Everybody in their head is
M.F. Hussain at that point of time.
Okay, I really accept
that I don't drink and...
I embrace that fact
because that's my choice.
But my friends don't understand.
They try to peer pressure
you as much as possible.
Like if I am at a party
they are at my face like...
"Hey man! Drink no, please. Drink man!"
"Dude, I don't drink."
"Hey just drink man.
It's my birthday dude."
"Dude, I don't care. I don't drink."
"Dude, just drink. Just for once."
"Dude, I am Muslim."
"Oh!
I also don't drink regularly.
It was my grandpa's
death anniversary, so..."
Like people get freaked out so easily.
Like even the cops
on the police checkpoint.
Like I am driving and then they put
their nose inside
my mouth and go like...
"What's your name?"
And all I have to do is...
"What's your name?"
"Sir, I am fasting."
"Oh! Go!
Fasting in March?
Must be the happy one."
Which I like to confuse everybody,
all the religions.
We have really like...
gibberish
Eid!
gibberish
Goat!
gibberish
Eid-e-milad. Everybody is happy!
Everybody is confused.
Like match the Eid to their age.
"What is this match the column?"
And during our festivals
all my non Muslim friends...
according to them like the moment they
see me during Eid they'll be like...
"Biryani.
Iftaar party. Iftaar party."
And I don't know what happens to them.
It's like the filter between
their brain and their mouth
gets dislodged with
the grease in the biryani.
And they say the most absurd,
stupid things imaginable when
they are eating that biryani, you know.
Like I had a friend over
for Eid and this is what he said.
the moment the first morsel went
into his mouth, this is what he says...
Puts it in and he says...
"Man, if I get this food
everyday, I'll join ISIS."
Are you crazy?
Like what the hell?
How can someone even
say something like that?
Okay, I have lived in Bombay so
I've got a lot of Maharashtrian friends.
And there is this animosity
between Maharashtrians
and Muslims which I don't get.
Like why?
Like half the time they're just like...
"Yes, give me some biryani."
And the other half like...
"Now get lost."
Like just make up your mind.
You want the food or not?
Like what is this animosity
for because we are brothers, guys.
We are all together in this.
It's brotherhood.
When I go to a bar, I can't
drink alcohol and you can't afford it.
This is...
Brotherhood.
Applaud the brotherhood.
Okay so this next song that I have
is really special because it's about...
that kind of brotherhood.
It's difficult for parents
to explain this to their kids.
And I applaud parents
who make that effort.
Like my dad...
he made that extra effort.
He used extensive props and
metaphors to explain sex to me.
Yeah!
I can't look at a battery anymore
without thinking of discharge.
Yeah!
So...
This song kind of capsulates that
conversation that I had with my dad.
And it goes something like this...
Papa papa tell me how was I born,
And he said,
"Son, get those batteries,
I'll teach you how to turn a woman on."
But papa batteries have
a positive and negative end.
"Doesn't matter son as
long as the woman bends."
Dramatic pause for my father's
ill timed hot yoga joke.
So I asked him what are gays?
He told me, "Go get 2 bar magnets."
He stuck the opposite ends,
But the same ends pancho
they would not stick.
"That is how the world sees gays",
he said, "It's
stupid close mindedness."
So I asked him what are bis',
don't leave me halfway
in this mess!
He said that,
"Bis' can swing both ways of this shit
Their passport is what
you call 'dual citizenship'."
So he sung loudly and said,
Are you straight,
are you gay, are you lesbian or bi
Are you straight,
are you gay, are you lesbian or bi
My daddy was so cool
about homosexuality,
So stop calling them fruits
because they don't grow on
a homo tree!!
377 says it's so unnatural,
But I'll tell you what is really,
truly unnatural,
12 million Gods unnatural
Peeing shitting on the road unnatural
Traffic jams
All the gate scams
Kingfisher's failing business plans
Not voting then muttering
The poor are suffering
While MPs are buffering
Porn unnatural
Dowry for a girl
D-d-d-d-dowry for a girl
Makes me wanna hurl
Killing them for pearls
But we still keep asking what?
Are you straight,
are you gay, are you lesbian or bi
Are you straight,
are you gay, are you lesbian or bi
I would talk about transgenders
but they didn't fit in my rhyme
Are you straight,
are you gay, are you lesbian or bi
Like a Gujarati!
"Are you straight, are you lesbian or bi?"
Are you straight,
are you gay, are you lesbian or bi
Are you straight,
are you gay, are you lesbian or bi
Like a Maharashtrian!
"Kill everyone!"
Are you straight,
are you gay, are you lesbian or bi
Like Jagjit Singh
"Why are you being so gay?
What are you hiding in your bum?"
Are you straight,
are you gay, are you lesbian or bi
I don't care who you are,
you still cum the same way inside.
Ahhaaahaahahaaaa...
Thank you!
Thank you ladies and gentlemen.
That was my show.
You guys have been an
absolutely wonderful audience.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You guys have been absolutely wonderful.
It's a real pleasure
performing for you guys.
I couldn't have asked for
a better audience for my special.
Good night.
All alone I've been been stranded
my hand on my heart
I don't know how I've
landed myself in this farce
If it's laughs you're looking
for they're all in the past
It's the end of the show
you should get up leave fast
I may whine and I frown
but I do love my heart
Often talk about
stuff I know nothing about
Seats are bare as it's
gone but we did joke a lot
Bring me that feeling back
someone turn back the clock
Goodbye
Goodbye
What's done is done can't be reprised.
Goodbye
Goodbye
Now they want more that is
my pride
hands together for Mr. Aadar Malik.
Welcome, good evening welcome
To a narcissistic celebration
Of my pretentious talents
Excessive pageantry you may observe
I've already exhausted
most of my big words
This is a show that makes
you think that it will blow
It is offensive and racist
I hope your standards are low
Looks like it.
These are all of the words I know
I went through the dictionary to and fro
To make you like me before you go
And maybe get laid after the show
Doesn't look like it.
This is my genuine hope
That I come up with some new jokes
To make you laugh so hard
That you all cry and choke.
I think I went a bit
overboard with that joke
These are all of the words I know
Please keep your phones on silencio
Don't shoot this show on video
Because we're doing it,
there's like eighteen cameras here, guys.
And don't touch each
other in the back rows
I see you white shirt.
Cigarette smokers please go outside
Cannabis, you can smoke on the side
You should try everything
once or twice
Because we have to try everything
once or twice in life.
Once or twice, once or twice.
To these people I recommend cyanide
On that very cheerful note
Let us start this
one man gloating session
I'm ready for you all to say...
Let's go!
Everyone 123! Let's Go!
Good evening ladies and gentlemen.
How are you?
I am really glad that I get
to perform in front of you guys.
I am so happy that you guys
could join me for shooting this.
This is my first comedy special.
Yes, thank you.
Thank you.
And a round of applause
for you guys for coming out.
I am really happy.
I'd like to understand the audience
that I'm kind of performing for,
the demographics.
So people above thirty, give me a cheer.
People under thirty give me a cheer.
The sound of unbroken dreams.
All their dreams have
not been crushed yet.
Let's just address this
right now in front of you.
I kind of right now
look like a Muslim Jon Snow.
I wish I'd look like something from
Game of Thrones when I grew my hair.
I really wanted to.
I ended up looking
like Muslim Bobby Deol.
"You're in my breathe, you're in my talks."
"My..." I am so sorry,
I can't sing more of that
line because IP infringement.
I'd like to do parodies
but I can't do it.
All the songs that you hear tonight
are original songs that I've written.
Thank you.
It's not like I am averse to
doing parodies, I like parodies,
it's just that songs in this
country have more rights than women.
So I am forced to be original.
Okay, so let's just start.
This show is about...
me.
And...
So let's just talk about
how I came into existence.
My parents,
they were a very unorthodox couple.
They had a love marriage.
It was nice, it was beautiful.
Like basically love marriage means
you didn't go to your mummy and said,
"Mummy please gibberish Please mummy.
It's enough now.
I am thirty years old, mummy. Please!
Please don't do this to me, mumma!"
My father was self sufficient that way.
He found someone.
And he fought, you know.
It was a Hindu-Muslim
marriage in the '80s.
They fought against
the times to get married.
It was a big deal at that time,
you know.
Hindu-Muslim...
Thank you for applauding.
And...
Yea, it was a big deal for them, man.
Because my father, they went
through that entire conversion process.
My father converted from Muslim to Hindu
and my mother converted
from Hindu to Muslim.
On the same day.
So they basically
cancelled each other out.
It's like when the priest was converting
my father, he was shouting at him.
"You are a sinner. You have sinned."
In the evening the imam
was shouting at my mother going,
"You are infidel.
You've...infideld. Just..."
My grandfather was just confused,
"What is happening?
Is he trying to rhyme?
Is this a competition between
the priests and the imams?"
It was exciting.
It was this beautiful
confusion that was happening.
And that's what these
weddings are supposed to be
because in my parent's wedding,
even the guy getting
them married was getting confused.
He was like, "Aaa, sorry! Om mangalam.
Extreme fuck up um, extreme fuck up um."
"Place your hand on the Gita."
"Oh no, this is a Quran."
"Who got the Bible over here?
Seriously guys. Who is doing this?"
My grandfather was just playing it safe.
Nobody should object it.
Like take some few rounds
around the laughing buddha too.
Just to be safe.
"Now the woman will go ahead."
"Everyone lie down like this."
It was wonderful.
This chaos that happens and...
And that's how I came into this world.
So, I am half Hindu and half Muslim.
So I get really confused during riots.
And most of the time I
am just throwing rocks at myself.
It's just...
Really confusing.
"What is this?
Hindu blood? Muslim blood?
No, this is my blood. What am I doing?
What the hell is wrong with me?"
My parents were beyond
that childishness.
And that's what is wonderful
about marriages in this country.
About weddings.
Because weddings are like a carnival.
And aunties lose all sense
of shame at these weddings.
They are dancing like
there is no tomorrow.
Things are moving inside
the loose end of the sari
where God did not
intend body parts to be.
What is happening over here?
What are these bulges
coming out in different places?
You know you are fat when you've got
love handles on shoulder blades, okay?
Because their blouses are so tight,
you can see cleavage at the back, okay?
And there are some horny teenagers
looking at this back cleavage and,
"Oh man.
Pramila aunty is looking so hot.
Oh my God! Oh my God!"
Dude, there is no face on top of that
cleavage. Let's just calm down, okay?
There is no face.
"No man, she is looking
so hot and I love her."
Seriously?
What's happening over here?
And relationships are complicated.
Like I met the love of my life,
the first love that I ever had.
I met her at a wedding.
And it was a special moment.
And it didn't really last.
It doesn't because it's childhood
romance and that's what happens.
And...
we broke up.
And the break up...
I decided to write
a song about the break up.
So, yeah!
Aww, thank you.
So this song is about that girl.
It's dedicated to her.
We started off as quite the thing
Now it looks likes it was just a fling
Take my word,
trust me it's worth the sting
And you know what I am
saying but I start to sing
Start to sing...
Start to sing...
Girl I think I love your sister
When you weren't
looking I would kiss her
When she calls me I run assist her
But not you because I
think I love your sister
Things are exactly as they seem
You're a nightmare, she's a wet dream
She let me taste her
black berries with cream
If you, if you know what I mean
We couldn't have worked,
sweetheart it's true
She is Pocahontas, you're Ballu
You're Ballu...
You're Ballu...
By Ballu I don't mean
you are fat or anything.
I just think...
you are hairy.
That's why I think I love your sister
Just like ice cream I can't resist her
We play airport-airport, I frisked her
But now I think I love your sister
Your sister's awkward
because I am telling you the truth
Now she left me I've
got neither her nor you
My love story ended before it was due
Now for stag entry
I am a stand in a queue
Stand in a queue...
Stand in a queue...
Actually, I don't mind you know.
I can stand in a queue.
I am over her.
I don't need a woman
to complete me in my life.
I'll pay three thousand bucks.
But I think I still love your sister
She left me and I really miss her
Now rebound anyone will do
Even you but know that
I still love your sister
What?
You found someone who loves you for who
you are he must be poor and also useless
Oh he is rich and he
drives such an expensive car
Why don't you get married
and exchange garlands
Exchange garlands...
Exchange garlands...
Oh, you are?
Oh, I am so happy for you.
You got me your wedding card?
So sweet.
I didn't know what to do.
I wanted to jump down a well.
But my best friend, he helped me.
He's just so swell
I went to his house
Told him everything I confide
and that's when she walked in
and offered me peri-peri fries...
So you've made my
best friend your mister
But you're a perfect skin, he's a blister
There are just certain
lines among friends
And you crossed it bastard,
I think you're adopted
I should've never loved your sister
You're the keeper
I should've skipped her
If I was Schindler I won't list her
But you are too
Because you're better
than both your sister...
I mean...uh...not both your sisters.
I don't know about the older sexy one.
I mean she's not sexy
at all like the older.
She's probably beautiful on the inside
I mean I've not seen her from the inside.
Not at all...uh...
I mean...uh...
Infact she also is like a sister...
Thank you.
Thank you.
I just feel like...
that's how it happened.
Has that happened to you?
It's so common, right?
So...
I just, I wanted to like achieve
something beautiful
with the love of my life.
And that's the whole speciality
with relationships because
you have to find
someone who is special because
love is like a feather in the
wind and when you finally catch hold...
Okay fuck.
I can't get through it.
I can't because it's about sex, guys.
That's what it is and we are
so repressed with sex in this country.
We don't want to talk about it.
We wrote the Kama Sutra, for God's sake.
Like it was like desi
playboy on papyrus rolls.
It was this beautiful publication
at that time, you know.
It was like cosmopolitan,
it's just like...
Fifty ways to satisfy your lover...
anally.
Like your ancestors have
experimented more with their anus
than you've probably used
it in your entire lifetime.
They have.
Thank God there was no
Nutella at that time because
otherwise there'd be detailed
positions with Nutella.
Everybody loves Nutella, guys.
There is one position in the Kama
Sutra called the 'suspended scissor'.
It's just sounds dangerous.
It's scary like it's got
a difficulty level of eleven on ten.
Like even they were like...
"Oh wow! It looks awesome. What is it?"
It involves taking
one of the woman's legs,
putting it between your legs,
grabbing her other leg and
the rest of her body like a guitar.
And then do something...
with it.
It's the most elaborate
way of jerking off.
I've ever figured because
nobody's getting happy here.
After two hours in the damn local train,
I don't want to do the suspended
fucking scissor, alright?
Yea, I went to Khajuraho a few months
ago because I couldn't afford Bangkok.
I love Bangkok because
their currency is called Baht
because that's what you have
to have after you use the currency.
Yes, yes. It's okay.
Yes, you can applause happy ending.
Yes!
And, Khajuraho has this one
statue that is etched in my mind...
forever.
You know,
it's going to take time for it to leave.
It's like seeing your father naked.
It's stuck in your head.
It's just stuck.
You can't unsee that...
for a while.
So this statue was...
it's a man standing
in every way possible.
And he's got a woman's
legs wrapped around his neck
and she's bent over backwards
and she's doing this reverse sixty nine.
Just picture that for a moment.
This is not an artist's imagination.
It didn't come to him in his dream.
The artist probably
saw this and he's like...
"Fuck I got to warn
people about this shit.
What are you guys doing?
What the hell is wrong?
How can you go like this? What is this?
This is like exorcist shit going on.
What is wrong?
You'll get a slip disc, stop."
This is like it was
medieval porn at that time.
If you really think about it.
Like you think like
'90s buffering was bad,
these guys were waiting
for stone to erode.
"Yes, one day.
One day.
What? You've only reached the stomach?
What are you doing?
You're on the stomach right now.
Get to the top, man."
And okay,
like if they have those sex dolls,
like they're made of stone at that time.
What's wrong with loving an object?
Seriously.
What is wrong with loving an object?
Like everybody's like
don't get attached to objects
but objects are our entire life.
Okay, you probably love your girlfriend,
you'll probably be away from her
for two months and
you'll be like Skyping...
"I really miss you. Send me nudes."
You'll be having those
conversations with her.
You can stay away from her
for two months and you're fine.
You'll be crying about it
but two minutes without WI-FI...
and you'll be shitting bricks.
And I like to appreciate this
beautiful miracle of technology.
So I decided to write
a song about WI-FI.
This under appreciated beauty.
So this is my song about WI-FI.
So this is my song about WI-FI.
This will be edited.
Day or night you are always turned on
No complaining when I'm on my phone
When I feel dumb you give me neat facts
With you there,
there are no strings attached
When you're around
I don't need any girls
It's so easy to catch all your signals
Hey wi-fii
You are my life-ee
Hey wi-fii
I work in ISometimes I feel
that you seem so plastic
The green in your flashing eye fantastic
I fear losing you if I stray far
All my friends want you I give neighbours
I always knew where all this could lead
You liked things slow
but I liked high speed
When you gave it I felt like a man
With you I've got unlimited plans
Hey wi-fii
You are my life-ee
Hey wi-fii
I bought you a nightie
Dust cover.
We were meant to be when
I stole you from my uncle
When I come home to
you I can pull out my dongle
You've taken me and put me up on a cloud
But I hated dialing up your mom
she's too loud
"brrrrraaaeeeeeeooooo
gggrrrrrrrrpppuurrrrrrrr
Error 404. Connection lost!"
Thank you.
Now that I have proved
that I'm comfortable
with my masculinity
with the small guitar...
Ah, yes!
This is a jumbo size guitar.
It's bigger than your average...
Just making that clear.
This first song is titled,
"The fastest song in the world".
Thank you.
It is also called sound check.
As you can tell by my music,
I am heavily inspired by metal.
Metal is a great genre of music, guys.
Okay?
You really need to appreciate it because
it's got so many intricate layers.
It's wonderful and my mother
just doesn't understand that.
So I want to do like...
like make it accessible to her.
So I decided to write
a metal song tribute...
for my mom!
Yes!
It goes something like this.
It actually goes exactly
like this because I wrote it.
Here we go.
Gibberish
Death!
Gibberish
Suffering!
Gibberish
Devil 666!
Gibberish
Lollipops!
Gibberish
Really loud noises!
Growling!
Thank you.
My mother had a heart attack.
It's serious, guys.
She was eating because cholesterol.
That's all my favourite
metal song lyrics in one.
If you listen to that song backwards,
that's my address in Andheri east.
Satanic verses.
It's, "CHAKALA!"
Relationships have changed.
Like quoting someone.
I tried to get like women
in the traditional way, you know.
Earlier, Facebook.
Now it's like changed.
I don't know, man.
Everything is exploding, guys.
Tinder has become a big deal.
The most enjoyable part about
Tinder are the conversations.
Hands down.
Like, seriously.
What woman isn't love struck by,
'Want to fuck?'
Or wooed by, 'Send nudes.'
Or goes weak in the knees with,
"This is my penis."
"You send yours, I'll send this."
"No, no! I didn't download.
This is original."
Who does this?
Like, who sits like this...
No, I'll take it from the low angle.
What flexibility, man!
It's not the intention on Tinder.
It's not the intect, you know.
Because everybody is
there for the same reason.
And if you guys are saying
that it is friendship, like seriously.
It's like watching porn
for the cinematography.
Just shut up.
So everybody is there
for the same reason.
So you should kind of,
like just up your game guys.
You know, maybe Shakespearise it.
Romeo Juliet was essentially
just 'want to fuck' in pentameter.
What light through yonder window breaks?
Nip slip.
Yeah!
Like, what light through
yonder window breaks?
"Show me something.
I've been standing here all night."
The things Leonardo Dicaprio will do.
I kind of decided like we are
ignoring the basic figures of speech.
Like we've got so much in our
arsenal available in this language.
It's rich.
So we should use it.
So I decided to write a song.
But I realise men get
confused if it was in a song.
So I decided to write a poem.
It's a nursery rhyme, essentially.
That they can understand.
This is a lovely song about
impressing women on Tinder.
I know it's hard
Trying to make up lines on Tinder
I know it's tough
Trying to satisfy
her with just a finger
Check out the precision
You don't need to pay a fee
For a sexting PhD
You don't want to hear me sing
All you guys want to do is flings
Fine guys. I'll help you overreach
With these dope figures of speech
You could say, "Hey send nudes!"
Or alliterate it either
Like bring forth your
boisterous bosom and beaver
Or maybe try out a hyperbolic tune
Like when I get excited
you can spot me from the moon
But reality states
and I must claim finally
What lies between
my thighs I call it irony
You may grunt and giggle
at the girth of my basement
But guys that was some
lighthearted understatement
Look at the guitar.
Simile-arly, I'm like a wild horse,
I can run for hours
Metaphorically,
I'm quite the ass in the shower
The metonymy of my pen being
mightier than your ex's sword
Antithetically shows he's a
demon and I'm your path to, 'Oh my god'
These are a few tips
to make the ladies swoon
From sincerest forking
to maybe even spoon
You go down I rise
up and addictive detox
Ah! The oxymoronic paradox
I love those, doesn't everybody.
A punny attitude you could adopt rather
Can I dock my battleship
in your pearl harbour
Or is it girl harbour?
I'd ring you like a
dinner bell all personified
You'd be going ting
ting ting onomatopoeia-sed
My anthropomorphic dog
things you're really cute
See talking about your pet makes
you seem nice and not a ch-chimpanzee
So go ahead overreach with
these incredible figures of speech
You can flirt like an aristocrat;
not sext like a creep
This tune is a reminder
incase you miss them
By the way all of the
above were euphemisms
Thank you!
I spent some time on Tinder.
It was weird because Muslim Tinder is
a little different from regular Tinder.
Yeah!
In Muslim Tinder we swipe up.
One, two, three, come.
Talking about love,
there is all kinds of love.
That's what this whole show is about.
That's pink jacket.
Any pet owners in the audience?
Like it's...
Yeah, give me a cheer!
Yeah!
Yeah, it's awesome to own a pet, right?
It's so...
It's so exciting because
you got them right
since they are a little kid,
you're taking care of them.
You are feeding them.
You get to put them on a leash and
show them off to your friend, like...
"See, she is mine."
Yeah, you can't do
that with your girlfriend.
They mind, apparently.
The toughest part is stopping
them from eating their own shit.
I have dated weird women.
So this song is about my pet
and...
He is no longer around.
Yeah!
I really miss him.
All the ladies go, "Aww!"
So here it goes...
This song always gets me laid.
Oh my goat
Oh my goat
Your backside is tiny
and your horns are big
Your udders are shiny and very pink
I like to
Stroke your beard from start to end
It's the same in length
as my ex-girlfriend
Oh my goat
Ramzan is,
Round the corner it's a bit dramatic
Pardon me I can't help it
Your life is,
Beautiful and end is tragic
But I need my biryani
My God demands it
This is my duty and yours
We cannot stop it
There is no room for loss
Only Prophet
This is my very special goat
Sometimes I kiss him on his lips
This is my very special goat...
ooooo...
baaaa...
I tried to sell that song
to PETA and they were like...
"No need."
They are so close-minded
about these things.
Don't get them.
So...
Now I have a dog.
He is safe.
He is a delicacy in China.
Yea, he's a Chow Chow.
He's a Chinese dog.
And he's extraordinarily cute.
He is.
He's genuinely cute.
Like he is not like your
friend's ugly baby cute.
He is really...
cute.
Like I'm not saying
it for the sake of it.
No.
He really is because
people leave their own dogs
and come to my dog
to take selfies with him.
All the other dogs are like...
"Who is that, man?
Who is he? Is he some celebrity?
What are you saying?
He has his own Instagram account?"
I don't know how dogs are doing this.
But he is awesome.
The kind of attention I
have gotten because of this guy.
The fastest way to get a woman down
her knees with her mouth open is a dog.
It's just, "AWWW!"
My dog is kind of like
an old man in the house.
Like, kind of like your grandparents?
He walks around the house like
going into people's rooms
and just looking and...
"What's happening?"
"You wanted something?"
"No!
Was just checking if you're alive.
Had food?
And for me?
Alright."
He is incredible.
Speaking of old men...
my grandmother...
My grandmother is 80 years old.
And she's a wonderful lady.
She is this open minded,
brilliant woman, you know.
And she's kind of
losing her hearing now.
And it's ironic because all
of us are musicians in the family.
Somebody screwed up
her ear drums apparently.
But you can't get
anything past her because
she's got a sense of humour about it.
Like there are times when
like she's not wearing her hearing aid.
Me and my dad would just
mute the television and go...
"This sounds good, right?"
"No, do you think I am a moron?"
She says that.
That's what is cool
about my grandmother.
I love her because
she says stuff like that.
She's straight.
And recently she's
been getting after me...
to give her a child.
Yeah.
She's blackmailing now.
It's just gone down
to blackmailing like...
"Please reproduce
2-3 kids before I die."
Like it would've been easier
if I would've been in the stone age.
You know because
there was no life expectancy
of grandparents in those times.
You barely had parents back then, man.
Like one day you will go out hunting
and you come back and mummy goes,
"Where is dad?"
"Dinosaur."
"I am fed up of these dinosaurs.
This is has become an everyday hassle.
Your dad is also not less."
So it would've been easier
like because that was a simpler time.
You know, you see a woman, club her...
baby. Just like that.
Simpler times.
But now it's complicated,
you have to quote
people and my grandmother
doesn't understand that.
And I'm like why do you
want me to have children so badly?
She's like...
"Kanta aunty's grandchild
has 2 kids now."
One second.
Your entire motivation for
me to have children is so that
you can show off to your
building nemesis Kanta aunty.
And what is being shown off here?
Like, "See?
My grandchild's sperm works Kanta, see!
Genetics."
What is she showing off?
I genuinely want to
have kids but not right now.
I am in my 20s and
I feel 20 year old men...
Women, you guys are perfect.
You guys are perfect.
Men, we are the screwed up people.
Yes.
Like, we've just gotten
over playing with action figures.
We cannot be allowed with this life.
Yea, look at these assholes.
Look at all of them.
These are the people
who will carry their child
with the foot like
holding them by their legs.
Some two year old.
Yea, he gets hit on
his head by the stairs.
Just like...
We are dangerous with children.
We shouldn't be having kids right now.
I have friends who got kids
and they are in their twenties.
And I went to a friend's house
and he is twenty five and his son
his little boy had just learnt to walk.
Like it was this magical moment.
This three year old,
little boy walking for...
He's a bit late.
But...
It's like Forrest
Gump happening over here.
For the first time.
And this is what my twenty five
year old friend chooses to show me.
"Look at him fall."
"Look, he fell again."
They are so trusting.
"He'll come back to me for food."
We shouldn't be allowed
to have kids right now.
We are not mentally equipped to do this.
But finding someone, getting married...
it is definitely on the cards.
I really want to do that one day.
And...
It's weird because just
when I had given up hope...
in walked this beautiful
woman into my life.
And the moment I saw her,
it was love at first sight.
And after three months
of just intensively...
dating her.
Don't corrupt it.
We took the next big step.
Big step.
We broke up.
I mean it wouldn't have worked because
I was Muslim and she was crazy, okay?
That's a dangerous
combination to have, guys.
You know, Muslim genetics
to mix with crazy genetics,
that's how this shit started
in the first place, okay?
Our children would be farting RDX.
Just pull the diaper down,
building down.
You...
I can't!
And she was crazy because
after our first fight,
she called me up at
3 O'clock in the morning.
And I shit you not
this is what she said.
"How many sleeping
pills does it take to die?"
Have you ever felt your balls
touch the tentacles of your brain
and come back down?
It's like this weird
pinball machine, right?
"Dhanananananadan!"
And they are not even
coming down straight.
It's like Tetris.
You don't know if they are
going to land in the right place.
Where is this going, man?
Rotate it, rotate it.
Oh no! It's gone to my knees now.
Oh my God!
I was scared.
My whole life was
flashing before my eyes.
And then she left her phone
next to her computer speaker playing,
"This is how you repay my love."
Every time I hear that song now,
it's just like...
"Whoooo!"
Can't go to parties anymore.
What kind of parties was I going to
if they were playing that music anyway.
She had a foot fetish.
Now you can have a foot
fetish in Europe, in America.
But in India,
with slippers in the dirt...
you don't want that to happen.
Indian men have the worst
toe nails in the world.
Yes, it is.
It's like banana wafers.
Black in the centre
and yellow all around.
That's...
terrible!
That is the reaction we need.
Yes, ladies!
Raise your voice.
And I can't forget her because
I lost my virginity to this woman.
I know, it's already a laughing matter.
But you can't forget
because it's a very...
it's a very emotional
moment for any human being.
You are...
It's such an important
moment in your life.
And that's what it is.
Precisely.
One moment.
Just that one tiny
moment when it happens.
Just like, "Ey! Done!"
One moment.
And there is so much
hard work behind that moment.
You find a place where
you can actually do it.
And then you have to try and
convince her and then she's like...
"I'm having second thoughts."
And you're like...
"Hey, I've already paid the deposit.
What are you saying?"
And then buying that fucking condom
and then you find that perfect
medical store and you're like...
"It's empty!"
And you run towards
it and you ask for a condom.
And just when you've
called for it like three women
in burkas show up behind you.
And then they're looking
at you and he's saying...
"We don't have the one you want.
You want this one?
This? This one? And this?"
And that woman is judging you.
And she's ordering sanitary
pads at the same time
and then I'm like,
"Whatever you have just give it to me."
And then he is wrapping
it in black paper,
her sanitary pads and your
condoms and you're thinking like...
"Why does she need
a black wrapping because
this is a normal body function, man.
It shouldn't be like that, man.
She shouldn't be embarrassed about it."
And then you're like...
"No no, I have to go and have sex now.
No no, I have to go and have sex now.
Alright, I'll write a blog about it."
I run with the bloody
condom and then I'll be like...
"Aaah!"
Running!
Running for it and you finally
get there and you are over excited.
You're trying to tear that
bloody packet somehow because
you've been doing things
and it's just like all slippery
and you open it and you're like
and then you can't get
it on and you're like...
It's come off!
And then you're taking
a second one and then...
"Oh man, this is other way round."
Then you're like...
You finally get it done.
All this torture for...
"Ey! Done."
And you're so happy.
You're thinking of all the friends
that you're gonna call the next day.
"Raj, you know what happened?"
And I can't forget that specific night
because here when you cross over
it's that excitement.
When you cross over,
it's like a Bangladeshi
crossing the border to India.
He's so much happy.
Nobody found out.
Nobody found out! Yaay!
And in my case it was inside
her parent's abandoned bungalow.
Yeah!
She took me to this abandoned bungalow.
And...
when we were mid-way through the...
the friction...uh...
We heard a noise.
So I had to check because I am a man,
I have high testosterone in my body.
I'll check.
I am strong.
And...
I go and it's coming from the toilet.
So I go inside the toilet.
I open the door and there
is a man trying to break,
there's a thief trying to break
into the toilet through the window.
And both me and the thief
just froze for two seconds.
And there was eye contact.
And I'm standing there
naked with a condom on.
That thief must have been thinking...
"What is this fucker
expecting from this robbery?
I have to face all this just
for stealing a flat screen TV."
And what scared me
in hindsight is that
that guy actually considered it for a second.
"No, no! Let it be."
Getting back on the pipe.
So that's how I lost my virginity.
Didn't happen to you?
That's odd.
Okay so this song is a bit
serious because it's about my life.
Any fans of rap?
Alright.
That's what we're gonna do.
This is a song about
wrapping wrapping wrapping...
Listen to me because I have
an accent accent accent accent...
Wrapping is only meant to those
who are intelligent intelligent
intelligent gent ent ent ent...
It's only meant to those
who walk on two feeeeeet
Asshole is really overdoing the gag.
Except people in wheelchairs.
They can wrap from wheelchairs,
that's alright.
Alright?
Let's break it down, yeah!
I'm just a guy who wraps a lot
I've been in so many fights
that I have never fought
You're looking confused
like you lost the plot
Like a guy who wants to
poop and can't fight the pot
Wrapping is who I am it is what I do
When the ladies see
me wrapping they all say
Ooo! He does it so fast!
Wrapping it's just too awesome you see
Without it we would all just cease to be
Spell it
W R A P!
Yeah! W R A P!
I hurt myself the other
day so I wrap my knee
You can wrap anything
From ACs to TVs
Even your nagging wife
If you want a good job
you should even wrap your CV
Yeah!
What would we do without wrapping
Yeah Rihanna. Very nice.
All our gifts would
lie like naked things
She's so naked.
Let's break it down.
Let's break it down.
Plastic wrap over wrap mutton wrap
More than just a few
Egyptians wrap their dead
We call them mummies
Me and you
When your heart feels wrapped
Pains and hurts a lot
It's not really a wrap,
you fool, it's a blood clot
If it gets diagnosed
there's a chance you will die
I wrote most of these
lyrics when I was really high
I live on the 7th floor of my building,
it's really high. FSI. For Mumbai!
Yeah!
I can't, not, never do that
Triple negatives in a sentence
That's where it's at
I can spend all day
just popping bubble wrap
Everybody put your hands together
That's a clap
That's a clap
That's a clap
A cappella A cappella
we're going A cappella
Internet with no wires
Where does it come from?
Wrap - wireless router
application platform
To keep it from scratching
people wrap up their phones
The whole world is wrapped
it's called the ozone
My rhymes are so dense
Like a sheep wrapped in wool
Yo Yo Honey Singh is
an evolutionary mistake
Water is blue because
it reflects the sky you fool
Everybody scream!
Pretend I said something cool
Yeah! Yee-ah!
Yee-ah!
Synonyms of yeah!
Absolutely!
Most definitely!
Yeah in other languages
Oui oui oui
Da da da
Gracias!
That's actually thank you.
I was just testing.
If you're feeling my rhyme
Let's make love in this segment
I'll wrap myself too
So that you don't get pregnant
No no no!
No pregnant no pregnant
I made a mistake once
with consequences unseen
A word of advice don't
ever wrap it with polythene
Polythene
Polythene
Polythene
Polythene
I love music.
I've been chained to this
since I was seven years old.
Now it just happens.
I truly love music and
I love every genre of music.
And I really want to embrace them
and it's incredible.
I want to do it but there are
few moments that I want to avoid it.
Like new year's.
Okay!
Because it's just,
I want to avoid the noise,
the screaming,
the amount of people everywhere.
This overload of music that happens.
So I wanted to do something
different this year.
So I went to Goa.
It was weird because
it was for the first time
that I went to a psychedelic concert.
I've never been to
a psychedelic concert.
It's really hot for me to go there.
Because after all night
of Bollywood dancing...
which was happening at a regular party,
the psychedelic concert
takes you into the morning.
That's what happens.
It's called morning psy!
Morning 'Sigh'!
That's a pun that I had to do which
nobody gets because everybody's high.
And seriously after dancing
like in weird Bollywood dance
moves this makes sense
out of Bollywood dancing, okay?
You go to a psychedelic concert
and everybody is just vibrating like
atoms in a molecule in the same place.
They're just...
And I thought I would be out of place.
So I was also like...
"Alright. Let's just do this.
I don't want to upset this formation."
And I was the only sober person there
because I don't drink or smoke.
And I was just watching these
people like they are high beyond reason.
Like there was this
neon peacock behind the DJ
and everybody is staring
at that peacock and just...
Everybody in their head is
M.F. Hussain at that point of time.
Okay, I really accept
that I don't drink and...
I embrace that fact
because that's my choice.
But my friends don't understand.
They try to peer pressure
you as much as possible.
Like if I am at a party
they are at my face like...
"Hey man! Drink no, please. Drink man!"
"Dude, I don't drink."
"Hey just drink man.
It's my birthday dude."
"Dude, I don't care. I don't drink."
"Dude, just drink. Just for once."
"Dude, I am Muslim."
"Oh!
I also don't drink regularly.
It was my grandpa's
death anniversary, so..."
Like people get freaked out so easily.
Like even the cops
on the police checkpoint.
Like I am driving and then they put
their nose inside
my mouth and go like...
"What's your name?"
And all I have to do is...
"What's your name?"
"Sir, I am fasting."
"Oh! Go!
Fasting in March?
Must be the happy one."
Which I like to confuse everybody,
all the religions.
We have really like...
gibberish
Eid!
gibberish
Goat!
gibberish
Eid-e-milad. Everybody is happy!
Everybody is confused.
Like match the Eid to their age.
"What is this match the column?"
And during our festivals
all my non Muslim friends...
according to them like the moment they
see me during Eid they'll be like...
"Biryani.
Iftaar party. Iftaar party."
And I don't know what happens to them.
It's like the filter between
their brain and their mouth
gets dislodged with
the grease in the biryani.
And they say the most absurd,
stupid things imaginable when
they are eating that biryani, you know.
Like I had a friend over
for Eid and this is what he said.
the moment the first morsel went
into his mouth, this is what he says...
Puts it in and he says...
"Man, if I get this food
everyday, I'll join ISIS."
Are you crazy?
Like what the hell?
How can someone even
say something like that?
Okay, I have lived in Bombay so
I've got a lot of Maharashtrian friends.
And there is this animosity
between Maharashtrians
and Muslims which I don't get.
Like why?
Like half the time they're just like...
"Yes, give me some biryani."
And the other half like...
"Now get lost."
Like just make up your mind.
You want the food or not?
Like what is this animosity
for because we are brothers, guys.
We are all together in this.
It's brotherhood.
When I go to a bar, I can't
drink alcohol and you can't afford it.
This is...
Brotherhood.
Applaud the brotherhood.
Okay so this next song that I have
is really special because it's about...
that kind of brotherhood.
It's difficult for parents
to explain this to their kids.
And I applaud parents
who make that effort.
Like my dad...
he made that extra effort.
He used extensive props and
metaphors to explain sex to me.
Yeah!
I can't look at a battery anymore
without thinking of discharge.
Yeah!
So...
This song kind of capsulates that
conversation that I had with my dad.
And it goes something like this...
Papa papa tell me how was I born,
And he said,
"Son, get those batteries,
I'll teach you how to turn a woman on."
But papa batteries have
a positive and negative end.
"Doesn't matter son as
long as the woman bends."
Dramatic pause for my father's
ill timed hot yoga joke.
So I asked him what are gays?
He told me, "Go get 2 bar magnets."
He stuck the opposite ends,
But the same ends pancho
they would not stick.
"That is how the world sees gays",
he said, "It's
stupid close mindedness."
So I asked him what are bis',
don't leave me halfway
in this mess!
He said that,
"Bis' can swing both ways of this shit
Their passport is what
you call 'dual citizenship'."
So he sung loudly and said,
Are you straight,
are you gay, are you lesbian or bi
Are you straight,
are you gay, are you lesbian or bi
My daddy was so cool
about homosexuality,
So stop calling them fruits
because they don't grow on
a homo tree!!
377 says it's so unnatural,
But I'll tell you what is really,
truly unnatural,
12 million Gods unnatural
Peeing shitting on the road unnatural
Traffic jams
All the gate scams
Kingfisher's failing business plans
Not voting then muttering
The poor are suffering
While MPs are buffering
Porn unnatural
Dowry for a girl
D-d-d-d-dowry for a girl
Makes me wanna hurl
Killing them for pearls
But we still keep asking what?
Are you straight,
are you gay, are you lesbian or bi
Are you straight,
are you gay, are you lesbian or bi
I would talk about transgenders
but they didn't fit in my rhyme
Are you straight,
are you gay, are you lesbian or bi
Like a Gujarati!
"Are you straight, are you lesbian or bi?"
Are you straight,
are you gay, are you lesbian or bi
Are you straight,
are you gay, are you lesbian or bi
Like a Maharashtrian!
"Kill everyone!"
Are you straight,
are you gay, are you lesbian or bi
Like Jagjit Singh
"Why are you being so gay?
What are you hiding in your bum?"
Are you straight,
are you gay, are you lesbian or bi
I don't care who you are,
you still cum the same way inside.
Ahhaaahaahahaaaa...
Thank you!
Thank you ladies and gentlemen.
That was my show.
You guys have been an
absolutely wonderful audience.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
You guys have been absolutely wonderful.
It's a real pleasure
performing for you guys.
I couldn't have asked for
a better audience for my special.
Good night.
All alone I've been been stranded
my hand on my heart
I don't know how I've
landed myself in this farce
If it's laughs you're looking
for they're all in the past
It's the end of the show
you should get up leave fast
I may whine and I frown
but I do love my heart
Often talk about
stuff I know nothing about
Seats are bare as it's
gone but we did joke a lot
Bring me that feeling back
someone turn back the clock
Goodbye
Goodbye
What's done is done can't be reprised.
Goodbye
Goodbye
Now they want more that is
my pride