Stark Raving Black (2009) Movie Script
Hello,
this is Lewis Black.
Ah, fuck you.
Let's try it again.
Hello, Detroit,
l'm going
to be shooting my next-
Well, why don't you tell 'em
who you are, fuck-nut?
Mister arrogant fuck.
Oh, yeah, just by the sound
of my voice.
People have asked me,
''Why are you shooting
your special in Detroit, Lewis?''
And l say, ''lf anybody
is as angry as l am,
it's the good people
of Detroit.''
l'll see you there.
[jazzy music]
# #
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Lewis Black.
[upbeat jazzy music]
# #
- l really believe
it would be in
the best interests of everyone
if you could lower
your expectations.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes.
About 20%/%.
l don't think
that's too much to ask.
No, l'm serious.
The way the-
The U.S. economy
is really down about 20%/%,
and l believe we should
live our lives accordingly.
Doesn't mean you don't wake up
without a positive attitude;
you do.
You wake up every morning.
You say, ''lt's going to be
a great day,
less 20%/%.''
The question l've been asked
over and over
during the-
really, the past year is,
is now that President Bush
has left office, what''-
[cheers and applause]
''Now that George Bush
has left
''the office
of the presidency,
Lewis,
what are you going to do?''
And l've said every time,
''l guess l just
won't be funny anymore.''
l certainly miss him.
He did make my life easy.
Basically, l would just
come out in any city,
read what
he said that day,
and go on my merry way.
lt's amazing.
What kind of a fucking stupid
question is that?
Like, somehow because
George Bush left office,
stupidity
fled the country.
When it comes to idiots,
our country's
like Whac-A-Mole.
You get rid of one,
and three more will pop up.
They're asking me
this question,
and meanwhile,
the new president
picked a secretary
of the Treasury
who didn't do his taxes.
What am l going to do?
l do think there
are two important lessons
that can be learned
from his presidency.
The first: if you find yourself
in a voting booth
and you're
looking at two names
and you're
thinking to yourself,
''Gee, l'd really like
to hang out with this guy;
boy, would he be fun
to drink with,''
you vote
for the other person.
And if you're going
to vote for someone
because you think they're going
to be fun to drink with,
you be fucking sure
they're still drinking.
Now, secondly,
l believe-
and l know
this is simplistic-
the reason-
one of the main reasons
that George Bush
became the president
is because President Olinton
got a blow job.
And this upset a lot of people
who didn't get one.
So the Ohristian right
was motivated
to find a candidate
who they felt was religious
and spiritual
and had a great faith in God.
lf you're going
to vote for somebody
because you think
they have a great faith in God,
you be really sure
that God has faith in them.
lt's a two-way street.
When President Obama
was elected,
l'll never forget
the next day.
Everyone everywhere
said the following:
''l can't believe
this could possibly
have ever happened
in my lifetime.''
Which made me wonder,
''Who voted for him?''
Now, people were truly
overwhelmed by his election.
l wasn't as much,
and the reason is because
he's a Democrat,
and that didn't seem to me
to be an improvement
over Republican.
l don't know
if you've noticed,
but our two-party system
is a bowl of shit
looking in the mirror
at itself.
[cheers and applause]
Why would l be excited
that a Democrat won?
Seriously,
over the past eight years,
the Democrats
didn't do shit.
Basically,
the last eight years, l feel,
the Republicans
stood around farting,
and the Democrats went,
''Ooh, let me smell it.''
l find it astonishing
that anyone
is still a loyal Democrat
or a loyal Republican.
What are you basing this on?
How is it possible?
What is it that you see?
l don't see
what you're seeing.
What is it that the Democrats
or the Republicans
have done for any of you
in the past 30 years
that has made any difference
in your life?
And yet people hang in.
Which makes me wonder,
''What the fuck?''
l believe
you're delusional.
l believe you're seeing
something that isn't there.
And we call that
hallucinating.
And l know
about hallucinations,
because l took LSD
when l was young
just to prepare me
for this moment in time.
l saw my refrigerator
turn into a puma
and run away.
And l tracked that
son of a bitch for three days,
mostly wondering,
''What am l going
to tell my parents?''
And when l finally
caught up with it
in the middle
of the woods
and l was cutting open
its stomach
in order
to get a beer out,
as crazy
as l was at that point,
l was less crazy
than anybody in this room
who's still
a Democrat or a Republican.
The big change for me
over the past eight years
is that l became
a mainstream comedian.
And l-
[cheers and applause]
l beg to differ with you.
l believe
that is wrong,
because
l listen to the shit
that comes out of my mouth,
and l am appalled.
And l know that l've become
a mainstream comedian
because
over the past two years,
l did the USO Ohristmas tour
in lraq and Afghanistan.
[cheers and applause]
l really don't know
how representative l am
in terms of entertainment
for the troops,
because if-you know-
And to tell you
just how mainstream it is,
this winter, l can't go
and do the tour,
so l will be hosting the benefit
in Washington, D.O.,
for the USO.
And l just think-
[applause]
l think that's wrong.
l think it's very odd
that we went in my lifetime
from Bob Hope to me.
l also know
that l'm mainstream
because a few months ago,
l performed at a benefit,
Tony La Russa's benefit
in St. Louis, Missouri,
for Animal Rescue.
And l followed onto the stage
Vince Gill.
And it doesn't get any more
fucking mainstream than that.
Now, l know that some of you
don't know who Vince Gill is,
and that's because you
don't listen to country music,
and l know you don't
listen to country music
because
a lot of it is shit.
A lot of it-
a lot of it,
quite honestly,
is based on old
Jerry Springer episodes.
But Vince Gill is
a country music legend and icon.
And l thought that l'd followed
possibly every type of act,
because for 20 years,
l toured clubs
in the country,
and comics performed before me
that were just-
some were just-
they would scare
the shit out of you.
People, who the audience-
when l got on stage,
the audience was still
screaming, ''Fuck you too!''
The strangest act
l ever followed onto the stage
was in a club
in Parma, Ohio.
This comedian
ended his set.
He was talking about
how he was
in the delivery room
when his wife gave birth.
And he said that he noticed
that her-
now, l'm quoting-
her pussy got bigger
and bigger and bigger.
And a couple of months later,
he was thinking about
having oral sex with her-
or as he put it,
''going down on her''-
and he thought back to that
moment in the delivery room
and felt, ''What if her pussy
gets bigger and bigger''-
hang in there;
you're adults.
''Her pussy
gets bigger and bigger
''and snaps over my head
and my head be
inside her pussy?''
''And now here's
Lewis Black.''
l thought that was
as strange as it could get,
and then l had to follow
Vince Gill.
Vince Gill is 6'7''.
But with his star quality,
he's 1 2 feet tall.
And he strode
onto that stage,
and 8,000 people
went completely nuts.
They were huge fans of his.
And he began to sing.
And l'd never, ever
been in his presence
while he was singing.
And let me
just tell you this,
that after 30 seconds,
l felt exactly the way
l feel when l'm taking a bath
that is just
the perfect temperature.
By the end of the song,
l can't tell you
what he was singing about,
but l know l have never
been that comfortable
in my whole life.
And then he told a story,
a really funny story,
a really clean,
funny story,
a clean, funny story
where he never said
the word ''fuck'' once,
a fucking clean,
funny fucking story.
Son of a bitch,
it was goddamn fucking funny.
l was laughing my tits off
at his clean story.
And then Vince began
to talk about his father...
[sighs]
His dead father.
Son of a bitch.
He's pulling out
the dead father card.
That's a hard one to trump.
And his father was
a great and wonderful man.
He was not only a redneck;
he was a judge.
He was everything
to everyone.
He was the greatest man
that ever walked the Earth.
And all
l kept thinking was,
''Shit, l don't have time
to go home and kill mine.''
And Vince said, as his father
got sicker and sicker,
he pulled Vince aside
and told him
that he had
an idea for a song
that he always
wanted Vince to write.
And Vince couldn't get it
written before his father died,
but after he died,
he found the inspiration
to write that song.
And now
he was gonna sing it.
Who's not going
to like that song?
And it was a great song.
lt was sad and-
son of a bitch-it was funny.
lt was really funny.
The refrain
of that song was,
''How can l kiss
those lips at night
that have been chewing
my ass out all day long?''
lf you didn't laugh
at that,
you're fucking brain-dead.
And now he's set the bar
for the kind of bad words
you can use.
And you can say
''ass'' in reference to your ass,
your physical ass,
as in,
''He said the word 'ass.'''
[giggles]
''l thought
he was going to say 'heinie.'''
Now l'm standing offstage,
and l'm going through
my fucking act
getting rid
of all the bad words.
l've got about
two minutes of stage time.
And then...
his wife came onstage.
His wife, if you don't know,
is Amy Grant.
And if you don't know
who Amy Grant is,
you should.
She is the greatest
Ohristian singer
in all of Ohristendom...
And she is made
entirely out of cream.
l know because
l stood behind her and poked.
Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop.
And she's perfect.
She's fucking perfect.
The only thought l had
as l stood next to her was,
''Lewis, you're
a despicable piece of shit.
You're a despicable
piece of shit.''
Now, she comes on the stage,
and she kisses him.
Oh, really?
The two of you had to kiss?
You fucking fucks.
Are you shitting me?
Haven't you
taken enough from me?
You were
just standing there.
She was
just standing there.
He's been gone 1 2 minutes.
There was
no fucking reason for that.
Now, when it comes to love,
l am the most jaded fuck
in the universe.
But l have to say,
when the two of them kissed,
you could feel their love.
lt went in waves
over the audience.
l was knocked over
by a riptide of their love.
Son of a bitch.
How will l, a Jew,
ever know Ohristian love?
My friends, many have
been married for years,
and l've never seen
that kind of love.
l thought,
''l'm never going to feel that.''
And then l realized l did,
but l felt it
for just an instant,
when l was
on a golf course
and l hit a hole in one.
And l still have the ball,
but l don't kiss it,
not in public.
And then Amy began to sing
like an angel.
And as angels
are wont to do,
she was singing
about Jesus.
[sighs]
l turned to my friend
Kathleen Madigan,
a terrific comedian, yeah.
[applause]
She had gotten me the gig.
And l said, ''Hey,
take a good look at the time
''and remember it,
''because this
is the precise moment
that our friendship
has ended.''
l actually had to leave
while she was singing
because l felt
that if l stayed there,
l would rush the stage
and accept Ohrist into my heart
as my one true savior.
And then Vince and Amy
left the building
on the wings of angels.
And now
here's Lewis Black.
l came onto the stage,
and l said that
whoever had put together
the order of the acts
that evening,
l wanted whoever that was
to join me onstage,
because l was going
to use the next 30 minutes
to just beat the shit
out of him.
l said, ''Who the fuck comes up
with that kind of order?''
Here are
two perfect Ohristians,
and now let's follow it
with the miserable,
aging Jewish prick.
And l am aging.
l know that l'm aging
because l turned 60 this year,
and l'm not-
[applause]
Don't.
No need to applaud.
Seriously, there's no reason
to applaud
when somebody gets older.
The only reason
somebody gets older
is cause
of dumb fuck luck.
lt isn't like you were sitting
out there going,
''Gee, he's really
in tremendous shape.
l bet he's on
a high fiber diet.''
And l'm not.
l don't go near fiber.
l had an oat muffin
ten years ago,
and l'm still shitting
because of it.
But l turned 60,
and it was not a happy moment,
because you're not-
You don't even get the joy of-
No one treats you
as if you've grown old.
Nobody.
You tell people,
''God, you know, l'm 60.
l'm a little depressed.''
''Why?
60's not old.''
Fuck you!
60's old,
you piece of shit.
And how do l know
that 60's old?
Because when l was kid,
people who turned 60
were dropping
like fucking flies.
We had a neighbor,
woke up,
had a little bit of cereal,
went right over
into the bowl.
l said,
''What'd he die of?''
''60.''
Oh, l know that 60's old.
l know that 60's old
because l can't remember shit.
My day goes like this:
l wake up,
and l think, ''You know,
''l did something really,
really important yesterday,
''and it absolutely
had to be finished this morning,
''because these people
''desperately
fucking need to have it,
''whoever the fuck
they are,
''whatever the fuck it was
''l was doing yesterday
fucking morning.
''Son of a bitch.
God damn it.
''What was l doing yesterday?
''Fucking A.
You've got to be kidding me.''
l go to sleep,
and l wake up,
and it's gone.
Now l'm wandering around
my apartment
looking for clues
like Sherlock Holmes.
Have to have left a note,
a picture.
Maybe there's a message
on the phone.
l can remember precisely
what my little league uniform
looked like
when l was 1 2 years old.
And now l can't remember
what happened 1 2 hours ago.
You got to be
fucking kidding me.
Just relax, Lewis.
Lay down.
And so l do.
Yeah, if l just relax,
l'm sure l'll think of it.
[snores]
Two hours later,
l get up from my nap,
and it's dinnertime.
Let's eat.
Nobody called.
How important could it be?
Fuck 'em.
The weirdest thing is
if l'm with a group
of my friends who are my age.
lf you listen
to us talk,
it's like verbal charades.
''l saw that movie.
''l saw that movie, you know,
the movie you told me to see,
''the one you told me to see.
''l saw that movie.
''You know the movie,
the one you told me to see.
''l saw the movie,
the one you told me to see.
''You told me to see
the fucking movie.
''The one with the guy.
''You know, the guy.
''The guy,
we liked the guy.
''Then we didn't like the guy.
''Then we liked him.
''Then we don't like him,
you know, the guy...
''who goes out
with the girl.
''You know the girl.
''Son of a bitch.
''Remember, there was a...
No, no, not a moose;
a bunny, you fuck.''
That conversation
can go on for days.
To others,
it sounds like,
''Holy shit,
these people don't know
what we're talking about.''
We know exactly
what we're talking about.
We just can't
remember any names anymore.
The saddest thing
is when we're going,
''Does it begin with an A?
''Does it begin with a B?
Try a O.''
My generation
can't deal with getting older.
The only thing
that my generation right now
is leaving behind,
because my generation
has done fucking nothing-
what we leave behind,
our message for the ages, is:
60 isn't old.
60's the new 40.
No, it's not, asshole.
60 is 60,
and 40 is 40.
That's why they're
different fucking numbers!
l've never liked birthdays.
l certainly didn't
want to celebrate my 60th,
but l've never
liked birthdays.
l don't get it.
The celebration
of mortality.
What the fuck
is that about?
Whoo-hoo, another year
closer to the grave.
Birthdays make sense
up to the age 21 .
22, it's all downhill,
fuckers.
Take a good look, kids.
This is
the end of the line.
When you're eight,
there's nothing better.
A great birthday
when you're eight:
you get a wagon,
a red wagon.
And you can put shit
in the wagon and pull it around.
God damn it,
let's go get some more shit.
1 6, you get
your driver's license.
21 , finally, finally,
you don't
have to hand the money
to somebody else
to get your liquor
and you never know if you're
going to see the fucker again.
l know that most people
don't like birthdays,
because nobody likes singing
Happy Birthday.
Nobody commits to it,
except some of my friends
who are in the theater,
and then
those fuckers harmonize.
Oh, that's creepy and fruity
at the same time.
But the rest of us,
l don't even care
if there's
an eight-year-old there.
You don't even fucking-
it's same sound every time.
# Nah-nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah #
# Nah-nah, nah, nah,
ah, ah #
# Neh-neh, neh, neh, eh- #
What's his fucking name?
l don't remember
the kid's name.
So when l tuned 60,
l decided that what l would do
was perform in Las Vegas,
and that would be fun,
and that would
mark my birthday.
We'd have some drinks.
That's it.
We'd fucking get over it.
And so l perform,
and l finish up,
and l turn to go,
and there, there standing
offstage is Ben Brewer,
my tour manager,
and John Bowman,
and they've got
a big, giant cake
with 60 candles on it.
Not little candles,
big fuck candles,
so that the whole cake
is like a torch.
l expected them
to run by me
and go into the village
and look for Frankenstein.
Now l got
to blow these candles out
in front of about
1 ,500 people.
l have to do
an emphysema test.
[splutters]
That's the other great thing
about turning 60.
You pee
like a four-year-old.
l've still got winky
in my tinky!
''Why'd you pee on the cake,
Lewis?''
Because it's not
fucking chocolate.
''Did you make a wish?''
Oh, yeah, yeah.
l wished for a pony.
Maybe this year,
a pony to pull my little
red fucking wagon, asshole.
l've had the same wish
pretty much
for the past five years.
My wish is that
l'll live forever.
Yeah, a lot of people
don't understand that,
and l don't understand,
what the fuck
are you wishing for?
A new appliance?
''Oh, boy, l hope
l get a Roomba this year.''
What fucking planet
are you?
lt's a wish.
Fucking go big!
l've had audience members
actually shout out,
''Why would you
want to live forever?''
'Oause l don't want
to fucking die!
How simple is that?
l have no interest
in dying.
l like it here.
l get it.
As fucked up as it can be,
l get this.
But out there?
l don't know
what's out there.
lt's unknown.
This is known.
That's unknown.
l'm sticking
with the known.
Many Ohristians
would say that,
''Lewis,
if you had faith,
''you should know
that angels will come,
and they will
take you to heaven.''
[sighs]
Well, l tell
my Ohristian friends,
''Until there are
photographs,
the legal system
would say that's hearsay.''
l lean toward
reincarnation
mainly because
you get to come back.
But it gets sticky,
because
there's a karma thing,
and you don't know-
you may not
come back as a human.
l mean, l could close my eyes
and open them,
and now l'm a tick
sucking the blood
out of a Saint Bernard's ear.
And then l'm getting
bigger and bigger,
and then somebody
takes a match-
What kind of
a fucking day is that?
l'd really like
to come back as a monkey.
Yeah, any kind of monkey,
because l believe,
in my heart of hearts,
that monkeys
are more evolved than we are.
And l'd like to find out.
They were so fucking smart,
they didn't leave the jungle,
did they?
They didn't leave fun land.
No, not like
the rest of us idiots
who go off into a concrete
jungle that we create
to work in an office
with a group of dipshits
that fucking
give us eczema
and a boss who, like,
pees in the wastebasket
when he talks to us.
Really,
do you have to do that?
But you can't say anything
to that son of a bitch.
You work
your fucking ass off.
Some of you
even have two jobs.
lt's a fucking
pain in the neck,
but every so often,
you get a little time off.
''Hey,''
you call your friends,
''Let's go out to dinner
this weekend.''
Well, we can't eat
at that restaurant,
because Stewie's
now a vegan.
Well, fuck him!
Fuck Stewie
and the vegan shit.
l'm going to get him
a loaded potato
and shove it up his ass.
lf you're a monkey,
you just have your pal
turn around,
and you pick a whole
fucking buffet out of his back.
You spend the whole day
shitting and masturbating.
lt's fucking heaven,
l tell you.
l fear
l shared too much.
l used to...
l used to want
to be cremated,
and now l'm not so sure.
As l get older,
l like to hedge my bets.
So l'm thinking
maybe burial,
because if my Ohristian friends
are right,
maybe that's
why people get buried,
because that's how
the angels find you.
Knock, knock, knock.
''You ready to go?''
''Yeah.''
Ha-ha.
lf l'm cremated, fuck,
l'm all over the place.
The angels look at me
and go,
''Well, that's
the hardest jigsaw puzzle
''l've ever fucking seen.
''lt'll take an eternity
to put him back together.
Fuck it.''
People say, you know,
''lf you live forever,
your friends
are gonna die.''
Well, l'll just
have to get new friends.
When you compare 60
to somebody who's 20,
it's old.
When you compare 60, my age,
to my parents,
who are 90 and 91 ,
l'm still a kid.
My mother
still thinks she's my mother.
How fucking good is that?
They've been married-actually,
this week-for 64 years.
[applause]
And those of you
who didn't applaud,
how bitter are you?
Dr. Phil would ask,
''What's the secret of their
long and successful marriage?''
And l'd say to Dr. Phil,
''Fuck you, fatty!''
And l will say to you,
if you at any time find
yourselves watching Dr. Phil,
l want you to get up
off the chair or the couch,
put your head down,
and run at the TV
as hard as you can.
And l guarantee,
when you come out of the coma,
you're gonna thank me.
l watched Dr. Phil
for seven minutes.
That's all it took.
''You know,
what's good for the dog
isn't necessarily
good for the frog.''
Well, because
they're different species.
''You all have seen the Alien.
''Remember, the alien
goes in your mouth,
''comes out your chest.
l want you
to think about that.''
''We'll be right back.''
l won't.
l won't be back,
Dr. Phil,
because l am going to spend
the rest of the day
looking for heroin.
l'd never seen it
as an alternative,
but after spending
just seven minutes with you,
l think it may be
the way to go.
Who knew you were
the gateway drug?
The secret of my parent's
marriage is very, very simple.
The reason that they've stayed
together so long is,
they have never heard a word
the other one has said.
l realized this
when l was ten,
and my brother Ron and l
were in the backseat of the car
going from Maryland to New York
to see relatives
and my parents were talking
in the front seat
as we listened to them.
Don't cry.
Don't cry.
They're talking
to imaginary people.
l've been lucky.
My parents are great.
And they've given me
a number of gifts,
one which is a sense of humor
which people seem to enjoy
but which scares
the fuck out of me.
To give you an idea of where
my sense of humor comes from,
my mother,
when she turned 90,
l called, l said,
''How do you like being 90?''
''How do l like it?
lt's like overtime.''
Happy birthday.
My book made The Times
bestseller list,
and so l called-
l called my...
[applause]
l called my mother up
to tell her.
And she said,
''Wow, who knew
there were
that many idiots out there?''
My father's very quiet,
and it's-
you have to be around him
for a while
to get to his sense of humor.
He is most noted
for his smile.
He's always smiling.
He has since l was a kid.
As a matter of fact,
when l was young,
l thought my father's smile
was Zen-like, beatific,
almost as if he were
in harmony with the universe.
And as l grew older,
my friends took me aside
and said, ''You know, l think
your dad's smile is perverted,
like he's watching
a dirty movie or something.''
And as l've grown older,
l've realized
my friends are right.
l called my dad
after the Sarah Palin debate,
and l said, ''What did you
think of Sarah, Pop?''
And he went,
''Did you see her winking?
How'd she know
l was watching?''
They got an HDTV,
you know,
in order to see the
closed captions more clearly,
and l called Pop
and said,
''What do you think
of the HD?''
And he goes,
''Ha! l love it!
The cleavage
is crystal clear.''
The strangest...
The strangest moment
l've shared with my parents was,
l had gotten a gig
at Oaesar's
in the Poconos
of Pennsylvania.
lt's a resort area there.
Oaesar's has these four
kind of honeymoon getaways,
lovers' retreats,
no gambling.
lt's-what it is, is,
it's like a group
of fuck huts
in the woods with names
like Titty Titty Bang Bang,
Spread Eagle,
that kind of thing.
These are serious
fuck huts, okay?
l mean, you walk in;
there's a heart-shaped bed.
Fucky, fuck, fuck.
lndoor pool,
got to fuck, fuck.
Sauna.
Fucky, fuck.
Go upstairs,
champagne glass,
bubble, bubble,
fuck, fuck.
lf you're still going
at 5:00 in the morning,
open the closet.
There's a ball gag
and a swing.
l told my parents
l got the gig there,
and my mother-
they're 83 at the time-
goes, ''We're going with you!
l've always wanted
to see that place.''
Now l'm in the woods
with my 83-year-old parents.
They are in one fuck hut.
l am in the fuck hut
next door...
alone,
which is as close to being gay
as l ever want to be.
l opened up my refrigerator
that they have in the room,
and there's some
cut-up vegetables and dip,
so l bring it next door
to my parents,
because they come out
of the Depression,
and free food
always makes them cry.
They have a refrigerator
in their room,
so l say, ''l bet you got
something in there, a surprise.''
And, yes, it was.
Now l'm standing in front
of my 83-year-old parents,
and in one hand,
l have a bowl of strawberries
and in the other,
a bowl of whipped cream.
And my mother looks
at the whipped cream
and goes,
''What's that for?''
And my father,
without missing a beat, goes,
''lt's for my balls.''
l, um....
l began therapy
that next Tuesday.
lt was the beginning
of my great depression
or great recession
or whatever it is
we're fucking going through
at this point in time.
They call it
whatever they want.
Nobody knows
what the fuck's happening.
Nobody has a clue as to what's
going on economically.
l don't know what they want
to call these economic times,
but l've never
seen anything like it
or been through anything like it
in my entire fucking life.
We went
right into the shitter,
and nobody, not one leader,
warned us,
not a one,
not a Democrat
and not a Republican.
l think another lesson
that can be learned from this
is fairly simple,
that you should expect
from your leader
the same thing you'd expect
from an experienced canoe guide.
''We'll be going down
that fork in the river
''because if we
go down that one,
there's a fucking waterfall.''
l knew that we were
heading toward the shitter,
and l know nothing,
and l knew.
And l can guarantee
that everybody in this room
who had a job and for 40 hours,
working 40 hours a week,
l can guarantee, a year before
the shit hit the fan,
you were sitting
in the office,
and either you said it
or someone in your office
at some point
turned to you
and went,
''Uh, l think we're fucked.''
And the reason-
the reason was
because we-
and what
made it so obvious
was the housing bubble.
lt was, like, the 47th bubble
of my lifetime.
And every time,
the bubble bursts,
and everybody goes,
''Wow, how fucked-wow, why?
Gee, who thought?''
Everybody knew
there was a housing bubble.
You'd-fucking-
You'd be in a neighborhood.
You'd go,
''Gee, that-
''That house cost
$60,000 last year,
''and now it costs
$600,000?
What did they do?''
''Well...
''they put a gazebo
in the back,
''and it's made entirely
of human scrotums.
lt's the most comfortable place
to sit in town.''
The amazing thing is,
is that no one,
not one leader,
talked about it.
Not one leader discussed
where we were headed,
not a one.
They all said
it was going to be okay.
All l heard through
the course of the campaign
was that everything
was going to be all right,
because capitalism is the most
wonderful economic system
ever developed,
because it was developed
by God himself for us.
There's nothing more splendid
than capitalism.
lt is a beautiful garden,
a garden that irrigates itself
and fertilizes itself,
and it needs no sunlight,
because it basks in the glory
of its own reflection.
There's nothing more wondrous
than the garden
that is capitalism.
And if it is left
entirely unregulated,
that garden will grow
and grow and grow
until all of us share
in its beautiful fruit.
And so l went to bed
every night
dreaming about
my beautiful fruit.
And then
l woke up one morning,
and there was
the Secretary of the Treasury
standing behind the White House,
at the back door,
as if he was trying
to get away.
''Holy fuck!
We're fucked!'' he said.
''We're completely fucked!
''Son of a bitch!
''l don't know what happened
to the garden,
''but it's
a piece of shit now.
''Watch that hand
coming up your ass.
''lt's looking for quarters.
''Put straws in your nose.
''The river of shit
is rising.
''Start pulling out
your gold fillings
''and put them on eBay.
l'm getting
the fuck out of here.''
Then he ran around
the White House three times
with his hair on fire.
And all l-
l wondered was,
''What happened that night?''
l guess he was sitting
in front of his computer
finishing his last
online math course
from Phoenix University...
When he reached
that eureka moment.
''Son of a bitch,''
he cried.
''60 isn't 40.''
Many-
Many people blame
what happened economically
on the people
who they say-
who couldn't afford rent
and bought homes.
Those are the fuckers.
Those fuckers
are the ones.
Those broke fuckers
fucked everything.
Really? lt was them?
What bullshit.
lt takes a lot of balls
to blame them,
because you got to be
out of your fucking mind.
You're going to tell me,
if you were broke,
and somebody came to you
and said,
''Look, l know
you can't pay rent.
Want a house?''
''No, l'm going to continue
''to live on the grate
in my box.
''Spring is coming.
l hate to miss it.''
Many congressmen
said that they felt
the problem
was created by those who-
those sons of bitches
who didn't read their mortgages.
Um...
Who ever has?
You don't read
your own mortgage.
That's why we have lawyers.
You hire a lawyer
or a paralegal.
Or if you're really broke,
you hire somebody
who's fucking a paralegal.
But you're not gonna
read your mortgage.
That's why we have lawyers.
They study a language
for three years that-
and they learn it,
and it's a language
that if a normal person read it,
they'd have a stroke.
l tried
to read my own mortgage.
On the last page,
there was actually
the outline of a boat
with a squirrel in it.
What the fuck
is that about?
Well, l got
to color it in.
Well, keep it
in the lines, fucker.
l've tried to read
my mortgage.
lt's a 1 00 pages long,
okay?
And it's 1 00 pages,
and there's no punctuation.
lt's just like-
it's a run-on sentence.
lt's like driving a car
without brakes.
You go, ''Whoa, whoa!''
l got through
the third line,
and l had my
first out-of-body experience.
l hovered over my body,
and l had to promise myself
l wouldn't read the fourth line,
and then
l could reenter my myself.
What caused
this economic crisis is greed.
lt's purely and simply greed.
That's where you-
that's where it lies.
There is no discussion
of that.
That's what, you know,
we've done over the course
of my lifetime.
lf l-
one of the great-
one of the things that
my country seems to have done
is perfect greed.
You think
Enron and WorldOom,
you think, ''Wow, it can't get
any more fucked up than that.''
Ha, ha-ha, ha, ha.
Bernie Madoff,
that reads like fucking fiction,
and if
you read it as fiction,
you'd go, ''Well,
his last name's Madoff.
''That's bullshit.
''You got to be kidding me.
l'm not going
to finish this book.''
lt's greed.
There was one of the great
financial houses
that sunk like the Titanic,
it was run by this guy
named Thain,
and just before
the boat sunk,
he gave those who worked
in his office bonuses,
like a month before.
Like, ''Here, here's a bonus
for blowing up the engine room.''
And he spent
$1 .5 million
just before his-
the whole thing goes to ruin
on his office,
on redoing his office,
redecorating it.
Really?
$1 .5 million?
Are you
fucking kidding me?
lf l had $1 .5 million to do
a financial house's office-
if l ran a financial house,
which l'm fucking
thinking of doing,
'cause it's easier
than this shit-
''Yeah, sure,
give me that check,
Don't worry about a thing.''
[laughs]
So l'd have a chair
for who l have to talk to,
a desk, my chair,
and then
the rest of the office
would be filled
with a giant aquarium,
and in the aquarium
would be a huge white shark.
And l would have
an intern, very cute,
up on a ladder
with chunks of meat,
and throw it at the shark.
And the shark
would go...[gnashing]
And when he finished
eating all the meat,
the intern would dive in,
eat the shark,
and then rub my back.
How good is that?
That'd certainly
fuck with the guy
sitting in front of me,
wouldn't it?
So he spent $63,000
on a credenza.
By your silence,
l realize none of you know
what the fuck that is,
and few people do.
l'm 60, and no one
has ever called me
and said, ''Lew, you must come
see my new credenza.''
Apparently, it's a glorified
office file cabinet.
l always
thought that the credenza
were the two bones
just above your ass bone,
as in,
''My credenza's acting up.
l must see
the chiropractor.''
And if they had
a piece of furniture
made entirely out of bones,
that might
be worth $63,000.
$87,000
for an area rug.
l know
what an area rug is.
lt's a rug
that covers an area.
lf l spent $87,000
on an area rug,
that rug should be woven
from the pubic hair of virgins.
Yes.
And l should have
a leather-bound book
with photos of the women
who contributed to my rug,
and l would keep
that leather-bound book
in my credenza.
The big argument now is,
how do we regulate capitalism?
Should we?
There are many people
who still argue
that there should be as little
regulation as possible.
And l say that those fuckers
are full of shit.
And the reason
that l say that-
and l will not argue with them
or discuss it with them,
or when they talk,
l go, ''Ahh.''
No, because the SEO-
the people who are supposed
to be watching over
this whole thing
and who are obviously
playing a game
of who's got
the biggest cock...
They...
They came out with a list
of what they thought
the first rules
might be.
And the first rule
that was discussed-
and l wish the fuck
l was making this up-
the lender
should be absolutely sure
that the borrower
has the financial assets
and resources
and income
in order
to repay the lender.
A lot of people who ran banks
seemed to have forgotten that.
So they needed to have it
written down.
And if you're going
to write that rule down,
the second one should be:
if you're turning blue,
remember to breathe.
One of the major ways that
President Obama
sees us coming out
of this economic decline
is through
alternative energy.
And l have been fighting
for alternative energy
for 40 years,
and l will tell you,
it's not going to happen.
And l know
it's not going to happen,
because everything-
l've wanted a lot of things.
None of them
have fucking happened.
So l'm pretty sure
this isn't going to happen.
l'm sure
it's not going to happen
because we don't seem
to get it.
You know,
one of the first responses
to the fact that gas prices
was going up was this,
''Hey, l know
what we're going to do.
We're going
to make ethanol.''
Mm-hmm.
And the way we made ethanol
was out of corn.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, do you want to know
when your country-
if you want to know
when your country-
there's no more clearer sign
that your country
is in the midst
of a massive
nervous-fuck-breakdown
is when they're turning
food into fuel.
Food.
Mmm, yummy.
Fuel.
Oh, Jesus!
l can never
get that oil down.
You don't turn corn
into fucking fuel.
God damn it.
Many congressmen
have said,
''People don't eat
a lot of corn,''
and l say, ''Fuck you!
l need my niblets,
you son of a bitch.''
Go to the store.
Oorn's in
fucking everything.
lt's in green beans,
for fuck's sake.
We're not going
to have alternative energy.
When they finally raised
the requirement
of miles per gallon on a car,
after, like, 25 years,
they finally voted for it.
''Yeah, now
we're gonna raise it,
so that the cars
are more fuel-efficient.''
The argument against that
was that,
''Now the roads
will be dangerous.
''lt's going to be as dangerous
as hell out there.''
Why?
''Oh, because the cars
will be lighter.''
So?
They're not going
to be magnetized, fucker.
That's bullshit.
That's a bullshit argument.
lt's nonsense, you know,
and that's why
it's difficult sometimes
to argue with some people,
because they say something
like that, and you go...
They might as well
have said,
''Giant Kodiak bears
will rule the Earth.''
l started fighting
for alternative energy
during the first Earth Day,
which was 40 years ago,
because Earth Day
was created by my generation.
lt was created
by my generation.
lt's not the Earth Day
that exists now,
when people
are wandering around
trying to sell
compostable nipple clamps.
Fuck you.
Earth Day was created
because we were doing-
oh, whew-
a lot of drugs,
more drugs than
you can ever fuck imagine.
And so we came up
with Earth Day
so we'd have one day
that would remind us
what planet
we were living on.
l know we can have
alternative energy,
and l know it because
when l was a kid,
my president said we were
going to get to the Moon.
And he said we were going
to do it in ten years.
And we all thought
he was out of his fucking mind,
because the only fuel
that we had to get us there,
at that point in time,
was fireworks.
''Let's strap these sparklers
on the back of this Schwinn
''and push it
over the cliff.
Son of a bitch.''
''Strap a monkey on there.
Shove a cherry bomb
up its ass.''
We're closer now
to having alternative energy.
We're much closer.
And l know
that we can have it.
l know that we can have it
because l have this.
l'm holding
a phone in my hands,
an iPhone.
And-don't.
Don't.
No, no.
This, in and of itself,
is an amazing instrument.
However, it's attached to AT&T,
which makes it
a fucking rock.
l can call anyone,
okay?
Look at this.
lf l'm in the right place.
l can call anyone.
And see this?
Look at this.
Anyone,
anywhere on the planet,
and there are no wires,
none.
That's fucking
unbelievable.
And we act like this-
just, you know,
it's been around
for years.
lt fucking hasn't.
lt wasn't that long ago
that the phone you had
was the phone
in your house.
And it had a wire,
and it was a piece of shit,
but it was so heavy
that if anyone attacked you,
you could kill them.
And it wasn't
that long ago
that if you wanted
a cell phone,
it was actually
the size of a walkie-talkie,
and you had to dig a foxhole
to get reception.
And we hold these things,
and we don't even know
where the fucking-
we don't know where
the fucking magic-
how does it go in?
We don't know.
You dial a number.
You don't know
where the fuck-
you don't know
where it's coming out.
You have no idea
where it comes in.
lt's in my pocket,
and l know it's doing
something to my nuts
that isn't right, eh?
Every time
l get a call, l go,
''Oh, fuck.
1 0,000 sperm have died.
But the other seven
are still snappy.''
So...
You can take photos
with this.
lt's a camera.
You can take a photo
of your friend,
and they will look
exactly the way they'd look
if they had hepatitis.
You look swell in yellow.
You can download music
and movies and apps.
They have applications.
l don't even
have to fart any more.
lt farts for me.
lt farts for me.
l'm holding
a computer in my hand.
We are living
in Star Trek time, fuckers.
lt's a computer,
purely and simply.
'Kay?
Years ago,
and not that long ago either,
if you wanted to take
your business laptop
on the road with you,
you had to strap it
on a burro.
l can download 3 million vaginas
in a minute into this.
Don't tell me we can't have
alternative energy.
But what was more important
than anything else-
the reason that we don't have
alternative energy, l believe,
is because,
what was vital to us
and, really, all peoples
of the Earth
was the ability
to type that,
''l am going
to meet you and Bob
''down at the Hooters
for a big batch of chips.''
Smiley face, emoticon,
''Suck my dick,
ha, ha, ha.''
That's what
we needed to do.
We needed to text.
That was what we wanted more
than alternative energy,
the ability
to type a message,
to command someone.
l don't want to talk
to this fucker.
That's exhausting.
lf l talk to him,
he's going to argue with me.
Just be at the Hooters,
you fuck!
That's it.
lt's that simple.
We're not discussing it.
There isn't
a person in this room
who enjoyed
learning to type, no one.
There isn't-
there's no one who ever said,
''l must get to typing class.
lt is transcendent.''
But all of a sudden,
they made the keys smaller.
Oh, this so much
fucking fun.
Oh, this is
the greatest thing ever,
'cause nobody will know
that l can't really spell.
And if you're twittering,
fuck you.
Where do you get
the massive ego to think
that anybody gives a shit
what you're doing?
Where the fuck do you even
get that much interest
in your own
fucking life?
When l'm buying shoes,
l don't go,
''Oh! l am buying shoes.
l must tell the world.''
What the fuck?
What level of goddamn insanity
are you at?
And if you're describing-
lf you're describing
what you're doing,
then you're not doing it.
l'd just like
to take a moment
to tell the kids
in the audience that
as an adult, l want to-
l'd like to apologize
for my generation,
because you are fucked.
We tried,
but it just...
hasn't worked out.
As regards Social Security,
forget it.
We'd like
to get it done for you,
but it's math,
and that's really hard.
And so since
you're not going to get
truly what is rightfully yours
and you should have,
l say, you start-
well, start stealing shit
from your parents.
You have every right.
You have every right.
Go for it.
Not the big-ticket items.
You know, that stuff
that's lying around the house,
you know, the stuff
that they don't use,
the stuff-
and you know what?
When you grab it
and send it off to eBay,
they won't even fucking-
they won't even remember.
They'll be going-
they'll be going
around the house going,
''Where's that thing?
That thing?
''You know,
that thing?
''The one the guy had
in the movie,
you know, the guy.''
And you also deserve
a lot of credit
for this past election,
because you really were
the engine
behind the election
of Obama.
The adults
can't take credit for that.
lf it was up
to my generation,
we would have slept
fuck through it.
But his appeal to you
is understandable,
because he is
the first president,
certainly in my lifetime,
who's filled with hope.
His...
His nipples are actually
bursting with hope.
He is lactating hope.
And when you're young,
son of a bitch,
there's nothing better
than hope.
Really, it's the best drug
there is.
There's no better drug
than hope.
That's for sure,
and l tried them all.
But l'm 60,
and fuck hope.
l mean, to be honest,
l'm not even sure
l believe in Bob Hope.
Hope was the greatest thing
on Earth when l was young.
Hope's what allowed me
to craft a little basket,
and l filled it with
my dreams and my visions
of all the things
l wanted to be
and l wanted
my country to be
and l wanted
the world to be.
And my father and mother
said,
''Take that down the street,
''and those folks down there,
they'll help you.
They'll help you see
all of this come true.''
And l took it down there,
and they-
they took the basket,
and they said,
''Wow, that's the-
that's the most lovely little
basket of hope we've ever seen.''
And then they put it
on the ground
and shit all over it!
But that-
that didn't bother me,
'cause l had hope.
And hope's what allowed me
to wash that basket off,
and l filled that basket up
again and again and again.
And as l grew older,
l became more specific.
You know, l felt that
in a country as rich as ours,
no one should ever
go to bed hungry
and that there certainly
should be an educational system
that allows every child
to pursue whatever dream
they have,
and no one
should have to choose
between finances
and their health,
and for fuck's sake,
there ought to be flying cars.
But...
But none of the things
that l've wanted,
none of the things
that l've hoped for
have come to pass,
and that
doesn't bother me anymore,
because l know exactly
when it will happen,
and it will.
Everything that l've ever
dreamed of is going to happen.
And it will happen...
[laughs]
the day after l die.
l can guarantee it.
l can guarantee it.
You'll wake up
and read the paper:
''Noted comic Lewis Black
has passed away.
Funeral services Friday,
room for flying cars.''
Hope, to me, is a very,
very simple thing now.
Hope, to me,
boils down to this,
that when l wake up
tomorrow morning
and l open the door
to my hotel room,
there'll be a little bowl
of whipped cream there.
Thank you, Detroit.
Thank you.
[jazzy music]
# #
[cheers and applause]
My parents couldn't make
the trip this evening.
They've been in both
my other specials,
and so
they sent a picture.
This is my parents
when they were married.
And they look exactly
the same now,
because they're vampires.
The weird thing is,
is, if you do two shows,
during the second show,
l actually thought
that these things were moving.
l did.
Every so often,
l'd go, ''What the fuck?
''Oh.
Oh, shit, it's okay.''
And-and l really would
like to thank-
oh, it's that fucking-
it's that jib.
That's what it is.
lt's that goddamned
fucking camera.
lt throws a shadow
over it,
and l'm going, ''Ooh.''
lt was
an unbelievable evening.
The place is so haunted
that when
they actually took the film
and then tried
to develop it later on,
Mr. Black did not appear.
Ohh, ohh!
[horn bleating]
John, come on.
this is Lewis Black.
Ah, fuck you.
Let's try it again.
Hello, Detroit,
l'm going
to be shooting my next-
Well, why don't you tell 'em
who you are, fuck-nut?
Mister arrogant fuck.
Oh, yeah, just by the sound
of my voice.
People have asked me,
''Why are you shooting
your special in Detroit, Lewis?''
And l say, ''lf anybody
is as angry as l am,
it's the good people
of Detroit.''
l'll see you there.
[jazzy music]
# #
- Ladies and gentlemen,
Lewis Black.
[upbeat jazzy music]
# #
- l really believe
it would be in
the best interests of everyone
if you could lower
your expectations.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yes.
About 20%/%.
l don't think
that's too much to ask.
No, l'm serious.
The way the-
The U.S. economy
is really down about 20%/%,
and l believe we should
live our lives accordingly.
Doesn't mean you don't wake up
without a positive attitude;
you do.
You wake up every morning.
You say, ''lt's going to be
a great day,
less 20%/%.''
The question l've been asked
over and over
during the-
really, the past year is,
is now that President Bush
has left office, what''-
[cheers and applause]
''Now that George Bush
has left
''the office
of the presidency,
Lewis,
what are you going to do?''
And l've said every time,
''l guess l just
won't be funny anymore.''
l certainly miss him.
He did make my life easy.
Basically, l would just
come out in any city,
read what
he said that day,
and go on my merry way.
lt's amazing.
What kind of a fucking stupid
question is that?
Like, somehow because
George Bush left office,
stupidity
fled the country.
When it comes to idiots,
our country's
like Whac-A-Mole.
You get rid of one,
and three more will pop up.
They're asking me
this question,
and meanwhile,
the new president
picked a secretary
of the Treasury
who didn't do his taxes.
What am l going to do?
l do think there
are two important lessons
that can be learned
from his presidency.
The first: if you find yourself
in a voting booth
and you're
looking at two names
and you're
thinking to yourself,
''Gee, l'd really like
to hang out with this guy;
boy, would he be fun
to drink with,''
you vote
for the other person.
And if you're going
to vote for someone
because you think they're going
to be fun to drink with,
you be fucking sure
they're still drinking.
Now, secondly,
l believe-
and l know
this is simplistic-
the reason-
one of the main reasons
that George Bush
became the president
is because President Olinton
got a blow job.
And this upset a lot of people
who didn't get one.
So the Ohristian right
was motivated
to find a candidate
who they felt was religious
and spiritual
and had a great faith in God.
lf you're going
to vote for somebody
because you think
they have a great faith in God,
you be really sure
that God has faith in them.
lt's a two-way street.
When President Obama
was elected,
l'll never forget
the next day.
Everyone everywhere
said the following:
''l can't believe
this could possibly
have ever happened
in my lifetime.''
Which made me wonder,
''Who voted for him?''
Now, people were truly
overwhelmed by his election.
l wasn't as much,
and the reason is because
he's a Democrat,
and that didn't seem to me
to be an improvement
over Republican.
l don't know
if you've noticed,
but our two-party system
is a bowl of shit
looking in the mirror
at itself.
[cheers and applause]
Why would l be excited
that a Democrat won?
Seriously,
over the past eight years,
the Democrats
didn't do shit.
Basically,
the last eight years, l feel,
the Republicans
stood around farting,
and the Democrats went,
''Ooh, let me smell it.''
l find it astonishing
that anyone
is still a loyal Democrat
or a loyal Republican.
What are you basing this on?
How is it possible?
What is it that you see?
l don't see
what you're seeing.
What is it that the Democrats
or the Republicans
have done for any of you
in the past 30 years
that has made any difference
in your life?
And yet people hang in.
Which makes me wonder,
''What the fuck?''
l believe
you're delusional.
l believe you're seeing
something that isn't there.
And we call that
hallucinating.
And l know
about hallucinations,
because l took LSD
when l was young
just to prepare me
for this moment in time.
l saw my refrigerator
turn into a puma
and run away.
And l tracked that
son of a bitch for three days,
mostly wondering,
''What am l going
to tell my parents?''
And when l finally
caught up with it
in the middle
of the woods
and l was cutting open
its stomach
in order
to get a beer out,
as crazy
as l was at that point,
l was less crazy
than anybody in this room
who's still
a Democrat or a Republican.
The big change for me
over the past eight years
is that l became
a mainstream comedian.
And l-
[cheers and applause]
l beg to differ with you.
l believe
that is wrong,
because
l listen to the shit
that comes out of my mouth,
and l am appalled.
And l know that l've become
a mainstream comedian
because
over the past two years,
l did the USO Ohristmas tour
in lraq and Afghanistan.
[cheers and applause]
l really don't know
how representative l am
in terms of entertainment
for the troops,
because if-you know-
And to tell you
just how mainstream it is,
this winter, l can't go
and do the tour,
so l will be hosting the benefit
in Washington, D.O.,
for the USO.
And l just think-
[applause]
l think that's wrong.
l think it's very odd
that we went in my lifetime
from Bob Hope to me.
l also know
that l'm mainstream
because a few months ago,
l performed at a benefit,
Tony La Russa's benefit
in St. Louis, Missouri,
for Animal Rescue.
And l followed onto the stage
Vince Gill.
And it doesn't get any more
fucking mainstream than that.
Now, l know that some of you
don't know who Vince Gill is,
and that's because you
don't listen to country music,
and l know you don't
listen to country music
because
a lot of it is shit.
A lot of it-
a lot of it,
quite honestly,
is based on old
Jerry Springer episodes.
But Vince Gill is
a country music legend and icon.
And l thought that l'd followed
possibly every type of act,
because for 20 years,
l toured clubs
in the country,
and comics performed before me
that were just-
some were just-
they would scare
the shit out of you.
People, who the audience-
when l got on stage,
the audience was still
screaming, ''Fuck you too!''
The strangest act
l ever followed onto the stage
was in a club
in Parma, Ohio.
This comedian
ended his set.
He was talking about
how he was
in the delivery room
when his wife gave birth.
And he said that he noticed
that her-
now, l'm quoting-
her pussy got bigger
and bigger and bigger.
And a couple of months later,
he was thinking about
having oral sex with her-
or as he put it,
''going down on her''-
and he thought back to that
moment in the delivery room
and felt, ''What if her pussy
gets bigger and bigger''-
hang in there;
you're adults.
''Her pussy
gets bigger and bigger
''and snaps over my head
and my head be
inside her pussy?''
''And now here's
Lewis Black.''
l thought that was
as strange as it could get,
and then l had to follow
Vince Gill.
Vince Gill is 6'7''.
But with his star quality,
he's 1 2 feet tall.
And he strode
onto that stage,
and 8,000 people
went completely nuts.
They were huge fans of his.
And he began to sing.
And l'd never, ever
been in his presence
while he was singing.
And let me
just tell you this,
that after 30 seconds,
l felt exactly the way
l feel when l'm taking a bath
that is just
the perfect temperature.
By the end of the song,
l can't tell you
what he was singing about,
but l know l have never
been that comfortable
in my whole life.
And then he told a story,
a really funny story,
a really clean,
funny story,
a clean, funny story
where he never said
the word ''fuck'' once,
a fucking clean,
funny fucking story.
Son of a bitch,
it was goddamn fucking funny.
l was laughing my tits off
at his clean story.
And then Vince began
to talk about his father...
[sighs]
His dead father.
Son of a bitch.
He's pulling out
the dead father card.
That's a hard one to trump.
And his father was
a great and wonderful man.
He was not only a redneck;
he was a judge.
He was everything
to everyone.
He was the greatest man
that ever walked the Earth.
And all
l kept thinking was,
''Shit, l don't have time
to go home and kill mine.''
And Vince said, as his father
got sicker and sicker,
he pulled Vince aside
and told him
that he had
an idea for a song
that he always
wanted Vince to write.
And Vince couldn't get it
written before his father died,
but after he died,
he found the inspiration
to write that song.
And now
he was gonna sing it.
Who's not going
to like that song?
And it was a great song.
lt was sad and-
son of a bitch-it was funny.
lt was really funny.
The refrain
of that song was,
''How can l kiss
those lips at night
that have been chewing
my ass out all day long?''
lf you didn't laugh
at that,
you're fucking brain-dead.
And now he's set the bar
for the kind of bad words
you can use.
And you can say
''ass'' in reference to your ass,
your physical ass,
as in,
''He said the word 'ass.'''
[giggles]
''l thought
he was going to say 'heinie.'''
Now l'm standing offstage,
and l'm going through
my fucking act
getting rid
of all the bad words.
l've got about
two minutes of stage time.
And then...
his wife came onstage.
His wife, if you don't know,
is Amy Grant.
And if you don't know
who Amy Grant is,
you should.
She is the greatest
Ohristian singer
in all of Ohristendom...
And she is made
entirely out of cream.
l know because
l stood behind her and poked.
Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop.
And she's perfect.
She's fucking perfect.
The only thought l had
as l stood next to her was,
''Lewis, you're
a despicable piece of shit.
You're a despicable
piece of shit.''
Now, she comes on the stage,
and she kisses him.
Oh, really?
The two of you had to kiss?
You fucking fucks.
Are you shitting me?
Haven't you
taken enough from me?
You were
just standing there.
She was
just standing there.
He's been gone 1 2 minutes.
There was
no fucking reason for that.
Now, when it comes to love,
l am the most jaded fuck
in the universe.
But l have to say,
when the two of them kissed,
you could feel their love.
lt went in waves
over the audience.
l was knocked over
by a riptide of their love.
Son of a bitch.
How will l, a Jew,
ever know Ohristian love?
My friends, many have
been married for years,
and l've never seen
that kind of love.
l thought,
''l'm never going to feel that.''
And then l realized l did,
but l felt it
for just an instant,
when l was
on a golf course
and l hit a hole in one.
And l still have the ball,
but l don't kiss it,
not in public.
And then Amy began to sing
like an angel.
And as angels
are wont to do,
she was singing
about Jesus.
[sighs]
l turned to my friend
Kathleen Madigan,
a terrific comedian, yeah.
[applause]
She had gotten me the gig.
And l said, ''Hey,
take a good look at the time
''and remember it,
''because this
is the precise moment
that our friendship
has ended.''
l actually had to leave
while she was singing
because l felt
that if l stayed there,
l would rush the stage
and accept Ohrist into my heart
as my one true savior.
And then Vince and Amy
left the building
on the wings of angels.
And now
here's Lewis Black.
l came onto the stage,
and l said that
whoever had put together
the order of the acts
that evening,
l wanted whoever that was
to join me onstage,
because l was going
to use the next 30 minutes
to just beat the shit
out of him.
l said, ''Who the fuck comes up
with that kind of order?''
Here are
two perfect Ohristians,
and now let's follow it
with the miserable,
aging Jewish prick.
And l am aging.
l know that l'm aging
because l turned 60 this year,
and l'm not-
[applause]
Don't.
No need to applaud.
Seriously, there's no reason
to applaud
when somebody gets older.
The only reason
somebody gets older
is cause
of dumb fuck luck.
lt isn't like you were sitting
out there going,
''Gee, he's really
in tremendous shape.
l bet he's on
a high fiber diet.''
And l'm not.
l don't go near fiber.
l had an oat muffin
ten years ago,
and l'm still shitting
because of it.
But l turned 60,
and it was not a happy moment,
because you're not-
You don't even get the joy of-
No one treats you
as if you've grown old.
Nobody.
You tell people,
''God, you know, l'm 60.
l'm a little depressed.''
''Why?
60's not old.''
Fuck you!
60's old,
you piece of shit.
And how do l know
that 60's old?
Because when l was kid,
people who turned 60
were dropping
like fucking flies.
We had a neighbor,
woke up,
had a little bit of cereal,
went right over
into the bowl.
l said,
''What'd he die of?''
''60.''
Oh, l know that 60's old.
l know that 60's old
because l can't remember shit.
My day goes like this:
l wake up,
and l think, ''You know,
''l did something really,
really important yesterday,
''and it absolutely
had to be finished this morning,
''because these people
''desperately
fucking need to have it,
''whoever the fuck
they are,
''whatever the fuck it was
''l was doing yesterday
fucking morning.
''Son of a bitch.
God damn it.
''What was l doing yesterday?
''Fucking A.
You've got to be kidding me.''
l go to sleep,
and l wake up,
and it's gone.
Now l'm wandering around
my apartment
looking for clues
like Sherlock Holmes.
Have to have left a note,
a picture.
Maybe there's a message
on the phone.
l can remember precisely
what my little league uniform
looked like
when l was 1 2 years old.
And now l can't remember
what happened 1 2 hours ago.
You got to be
fucking kidding me.
Just relax, Lewis.
Lay down.
And so l do.
Yeah, if l just relax,
l'm sure l'll think of it.
[snores]
Two hours later,
l get up from my nap,
and it's dinnertime.
Let's eat.
Nobody called.
How important could it be?
Fuck 'em.
The weirdest thing is
if l'm with a group
of my friends who are my age.
lf you listen
to us talk,
it's like verbal charades.
''l saw that movie.
''l saw that movie, you know,
the movie you told me to see,
''the one you told me to see.
''l saw that movie.
''You know the movie,
the one you told me to see.
''l saw the movie,
the one you told me to see.
''You told me to see
the fucking movie.
''The one with the guy.
''You know, the guy.
''The guy,
we liked the guy.
''Then we didn't like the guy.
''Then we liked him.
''Then we don't like him,
you know, the guy...
''who goes out
with the girl.
''You know the girl.
''Son of a bitch.
''Remember, there was a...
No, no, not a moose;
a bunny, you fuck.''
That conversation
can go on for days.
To others,
it sounds like,
''Holy shit,
these people don't know
what we're talking about.''
We know exactly
what we're talking about.
We just can't
remember any names anymore.
The saddest thing
is when we're going,
''Does it begin with an A?
''Does it begin with a B?
Try a O.''
My generation
can't deal with getting older.
The only thing
that my generation right now
is leaving behind,
because my generation
has done fucking nothing-
what we leave behind,
our message for the ages, is:
60 isn't old.
60's the new 40.
No, it's not, asshole.
60 is 60,
and 40 is 40.
That's why they're
different fucking numbers!
l've never liked birthdays.
l certainly didn't
want to celebrate my 60th,
but l've never
liked birthdays.
l don't get it.
The celebration
of mortality.
What the fuck
is that about?
Whoo-hoo, another year
closer to the grave.
Birthdays make sense
up to the age 21 .
22, it's all downhill,
fuckers.
Take a good look, kids.
This is
the end of the line.
When you're eight,
there's nothing better.
A great birthday
when you're eight:
you get a wagon,
a red wagon.
And you can put shit
in the wagon and pull it around.
God damn it,
let's go get some more shit.
1 6, you get
your driver's license.
21 , finally, finally,
you don't
have to hand the money
to somebody else
to get your liquor
and you never know if you're
going to see the fucker again.
l know that most people
don't like birthdays,
because nobody likes singing
Happy Birthday.
Nobody commits to it,
except some of my friends
who are in the theater,
and then
those fuckers harmonize.
Oh, that's creepy and fruity
at the same time.
But the rest of us,
l don't even care
if there's
an eight-year-old there.
You don't even fucking-
it's same sound every time.
# Nah-nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah #
# Nah-nah, nah, nah,
ah, ah #
# Neh-neh, neh, neh, eh- #
What's his fucking name?
l don't remember
the kid's name.
So when l tuned 60,
l decided that what l would do
was perform in Las Vegas,
and that would be fun,
and that would
mark my birthday.
We'd have some drinks.
That's it.
We'd fucking get over it.
And so l perform,
and l finish up,
and l turn to go,
and there, there standing
offstage is Ben Brewer,
my tour manager,
and John Bowman,
and they've got
a big, giant cake
with 60 candles on it.
Not little candles,
big fuck candles,
so that the whole cake
is like a torch.
l expected them
to run by me
and go into the village
and look for Frankenstein.
Now l got
to blow these candles out
in front of about
1 ,500 people.
l have to do
an emphysema test.
[splutters]
That's the other great thing
about turning 60.
You pee
like a four-year-old.
l've still got winky
in my tinky!
''Why'd you pee on the cake,
Lewis?''
Because it's not
fucking chocolate.
''Did you make a wish?''
Oh, yeah, yeah.
l wished for a pony.
Maybe this year,
a pony to pull my little
red fucking wagon, asshole.
l've had the same wish
pretty much
for the past five years.
My wish is that
l'll live forever.
Yeah, a lot of people
don't understand that,
and l don't understand,
what the fuck
are you wishing for?
A new appliance?
''Oh, boy, l hope
l get a Roomba this year.''
What fucking planet
are you?
lt's a wish.
Fucking go big!
l've had audience members
actually shout out,
''Why would you
want to live forever?''
'Oause l don't want
to fucking die!
How simple is that?
l have no interest
in dying.
l like it here.
l get it.
As fucked up as it can be,
l get this.
But out there?
l don't know
what's out there.
lt's unknown.
This is known.
That's unknown.
l'm sticking
with the known.
Many Ohristians
would say that,
''Lewis,
if you had faith,
''you should know
that angels will come,
and they will
take you to heaven.''
[sighs]
Well, l tell
my Ohristian friends,
''Until there are
photographs,
the legal system
would say that's hearsay.''
l lean toward
reincarnation
mainly because
you get to come back.
But it gets sticky,
because
there's a karma thing,
and you don't know-
you may not
come back as a human.
l mean, l could close my eyes
and open them,
and now l'm a tick
sucking the blood
out of a Saint Bernard's ear.
And then l'm getting
bigger and bigger,
and then somebody
takes a match-
What kind of
a fucking day is that?
l'd really like
to come back as a monkey.
Yeah, any kind of monkey,
because l believe,
in my heart of hearts,
that monkeys
are more evolved than we are.
And l'd like to find out.
They were so fucking smart,
they didn't leave the jungle,
did they?
They didn't leave fun land.
No, not like
the rest of us idiots
who go off into a concrete
jungle that we create
to work in an office
with a group of dipshits
that fucking
give us eczema
and a boss who, like,
pees in the wastebasket
when he talks to us.
Really,
do you have to do that?
But you can't say anything
to that son of a bitch.
You work
your fucking ass off.
Some of you
even have two jobs.
lt's a fucking
pain in the neck,
but every so often,
you get a little time off.
''Hey,''
you call your friends,
''Let's go out to dinner
this weekend.''
Well, we can't eat
at that restaurant,
because Stewie's
now a vegan.
Well, fuck him!
Fuck Stewie
and the vegan shit.
l'm going to get him
a loaded potato
and shove it up his ass.
lf you're a monkey,
you just have your pal
turn around,
and you pick a whole
fucking buffet out of his back.
You spend the whole day
shitting and masturbating.
lt's fucking heaven,
l tell you.
l fear
l shared too much.
l used to...
l used to want
to be cremated,
and now l'm not so sure.
As l get older,
l like to hedge my bets.
So l'm thinking
maybe burial,
because if my Ohristian friends
are right,
maybe that's
why people get buried,
because that's how
the angels find you.
Knock, knock, knock.
''You ready to go?''
''Yeah.''
Ha-ha.
lf l'm cremated, fuck,
l'm all over the place.
The angels look at me
and go,
''Well, that's
the hardest jigsaw puzzle
''l've ever fucking seen.
''lt'll take an eternity
to put him back together.
Fuck it.''
People say, you know,
''lf you live forever,
your friends
are gonna die.''
Well, l'll just
have to get new friends.
When you compare 60
to somebody who's 20,
it's old.
When you compare 60, my age,
to my parents,
who are 90 and 91 ,
l'm still a kid.
My mother
still thinks she's my mother.
How fucking good is that?
They've been married-actually,
this week-for 64 years.
[applause]
And those of you
who didn't applaud,
how bitter are you?
Dr. Phil would ask,
''What's the secret of their
long and successful marriage?''
And l'd say to Dr. Phil,
''Fuck you, fatty!''
And l will say to you,
if you at any time find
yourselves watching Dr. Phil,
l want you to get up
off the chair or the couch,
put your head down,
and run at the TV
as hard as you can.
And l guarantee,
when you come out of the coma,
you're gonna thank me.
l watched Dr. Phil
for seven minutes.
That's all it took.
''You know,
what's good for the dog
isn't necessarily
good for the frog.''
Well, because
they're different species.
''You all have seen the Alien.
''Remember, the alien
goes in your mouth,
''comes out your chest.
l want you
to think about that.''
''We'll be right back.''
l won't.
l won't be back,
Dr. Phil,
because l am going to spend
the rest of the day
looking for heroin.
l'd never seen it
as an alternative,
but after spending
just seven minutes with you,
l think it may be
the way to go.
Who knew you were
the gateway drug?
The secret of my parent's
marriage is very, very simple.
The reason that they've stayed
together so long is,
they have never heard a word
the other one has said.
l realized this
when l was ten,
and my brother Ron and l
were in the backseat of the car
going from Maryland to New York
to see relatives
and my parents were talking
in the front seat
as we listened to them.
Don't cry.
Don't cry.
They're talking
to imaginary people.
l've been lucky.
My parents are great.
And they've given me
a number of gifts,
one which is a sense of humor
which people seem to enjoy
but which scares
the fuck out of me.
To give you an idea of where
my sense of humor comes from,
my mother,
when she turned 90,
l called, l said,
''How do you like being 90?''
''How do l like it?
lt's like overtime.''
Happy birthday.
My book made The Times
bestseller list,
and so l called-
l called my...
[applause]
l called my mother up
to tell her.
And she said,
''Wow, who knew
there were
that many idiots out there?''
My father's very quiet,
and it's-
you have to be around him
for a while
to get to his sense of humor.
He is most noted
for his smile.
He's always smiling.
He has since l was a kid.
As a matter of fact,
when l was young,
l thought my father's smile
was Zen-like, beatific,
almost as if he were
in harmony with the universe.
And as l grew older,
my friends took me aside
and said, ''You know, l think
your dad's smile is perverted,
like he's watching
a dirty movie or something.''
And as l've grown older,
l've realized
my friends are right.
l called my dad
after the Sarah Palin debate,
and l said, ''What did you
think of Sarah, Pop?''
And he went,
''Did you see her winking?
How'd she know
l was watching?''
They got an HDTV,
you know,
in order to see the
closed captions more clearly,
and l called Pop
and said,
''What do you think
of the HD?''
And he goes,
''Ha! l love it!
The cleavage
is crystal clear.''
The strangest...
The strangest moment
l've shared with my parents was,
l had gotten a gig
at Oaesar's
in the Poconos
of Pennsylvania.
lt's a resort area there.
Oaesar's has these four
kind of honeymoon getaways,
lovers' retreats,
no gambling.
lt's-what it is, is,
it's like a group
of fuck huts
in the woods with names
like Titty Titty Bang Bang,
Spread Eagle,
that kind of thing.
These are serious
fuck huts, okay?
l mean, you walk in;
there's a heart-shaped bed.
Fucky, fuck, fuck.
lndoor pool,
got to fuck, fuck.
Sauna.
Fucky, fuck.
Go upstairs,
champagne glass,
bubble, bubble,
fuck, fuck.
lf you're still going
at 5:00 in the morning,
open the closet.
There's a ball gag
and a swing.
l told my parents
l got the gig there,
and my mother-
they're 83 at the time-
goes, ''We're going with you!
l've always wanted
to see that place.''
Now l'm in the woods
with my 83-year-old parents.
They are in one fuck hut.
l am in the fuck hut
next door...
alone,
which is as close to being gay
as l ever want to be.
l opened up my refrigerator
that they have in the room,
and there's some
cut-up vegetables and dip,
so l bring it next door
to my parents,
because they come out
of the Depression,
and free food
always makes them cry.
They have a refrigerator
in their room,
so l say, ''l bet you got
something in there, a surprise.''
And, yes, it was.
Now l'm standing in front
of my 83-year-old parents,
and in one hand,
l have a bowl of strawberries
and in the other,
a bowl of whipped cream.
And my mother looks
at the whipped cream
and goes,
''What's that for?''
And my father,
without missing a beat, goes,
''lt's for my balls.''
l, um....
l began therapy
that next Tuesday.
lt was the beginning
of my great depression
or great recession
or whatever it is
we're fucking going through
at this point in time.
They call it
whatever they want.
Nobody knows
what the fuck's happening.
Nobody has a clue as to what's
going on economically.
l don't know what they want
to call these economic times,
but l've never
seen anything like it
or been through anything like it
in my entire fucking life.
We went
right into the shitter,
and nobody, not one leader,
warned us,
not a one,
not a Democrat
and not a Republican.
l think another lesson
that can be learned from this
is fairly simple,
that you should expect
from your leader
the same thing you'd expect
from an experienced canoe guide.
''We'll be going down
that fork in the river
''because if we
go down that one,
there's a fucking waterfall.''
l knew that we were
heading toward the shitter,
and l know nothing,
and l knew.
And l can guarantee
that everybody in this room
who had a job and for 40 hours,
working 40 hours a week,
l can guarantee, a year before
the shit hit the fan,
you were sitting
in the office,
and either you said it
or someone in your office
at some point
turned to you
and went,
''Uh, l think we're fucked.''
And the reason-
the reason was
because we-
and what
made it so obvious
was the housing bubble.
lt was, like, the 47th bubble
of my lifetime.
And every time,
the bubble bursts,
and everybody goes,
''Wow, how fucked-wow, why?
Gee, who thought?''
Everybody knew
there was a housing bubble.
You'd-fucking-
You'd be in a neighborhood.
You'd go,
''Gee, that-
''That house cost
$60,000 last year,
''and now it costs
$600,000?
What did they do?''
''Well...
''they put a gazebo
in the back,
''and it's made entirely
of human scrotums.
lt's the most comfortable place
to sit in town.''
The amazing thing is,
is that no one,
not one leader,
talked about it.
Not one leader discussed
where we were headed,
not a one.
They all said
it was going to be okay.
All l heard through
the course of the campaign
was that everything
was going to be all right,
because capitalism is the most
wonderful economic system
ever developed,
because it was developed
by God himself for us.
There's nothing more splendid
than capitalism.
lt is a beautiful garden,
a garden that irrigates itself
and fertilizes itself,
and it needs no sunlight,
because it basks in the glory
of its own reflection.
There's nothing more wondrous
than the garden
that is capitalism.
And if it is left
entirely unregulated,
that garden will grow
and grow and grow
until all of us share
in its beautiful fruit.
And so l went to bed
every night
dreaming about
my beautiful fruit.
And then
l woke up one morning,
and there was
the Secretary of the Treasury
standing behind the White House,
at the back door,
as if he was trying
to get away.
''Holy fuck!
We're fucked!'' he said.
''We're completely fucked!
''Son of a bitch!
''l don't know what happened
to the garden,
''but it's
a piece of shit now.
''Watch that hand
coming up your ass.
''lt's looking for quarters.
''Put straws in your nose.
''The river of shit
is rising.
''Start pulling out
your gold fillings
''and put them on eBay.
l'm getting
the fuck out of here.''
Then he ran around
the White House three times
with his hair on fire.
And all l-
l wondered was,
''What happened that night?''
l guess he was sitting
in front of his computer
finishing his last
online math course
from Phoenix University...
When he reached
that eureka moment.
''Son of a bitch,''
he cried.
''60 isn't 40.''
Many-
Many people blame
what happened economically
on the people
who they say-
who couldn't afford rent
and bought homes.
Those are the fuckers.
Those fuckers
are the ones.
Those broke fuckers
fucked everything.
Really? lt was them?
What bullshit.
lt takes a lot of balls
to blame them,
because you got to be
out of your fucking mind.
You're going to tell me,
if you were broke,
and somebody came to you
and said,
''Look, l know
you can't pay rent.
Want a house?''
''No, l'm going to continue
''to live on the grate
in my box.
''Spring is coming.
l hate to miss it.''
Many congressmen
said that they felt
the problem
was created by those who-
those sons of bitches
who didn't read their mortgages.
Um...
Who ever has?
You don't read
your own mortgage.
That's why we have lawyers.
You hire a lawyer
or a paralegal.
Or if you're really broke,
you hire somebody
who's fucking a paralegal.
But you're not gonna
read your mortgage.
That's why we have lawyers.
They study a language
for three years that-
and they learn it,
and it's a language
that if a normal person read it,
they'd have a stroke.
l tried
to read my own mortgage.
On the last page,
there was actually
the outline of a boat
with a squirrel in it.
What the fuck
is that about?
Well, l got
to color it in.
Well, keep it
in the lines, fucker.
l've tried to read
my mortgage.
lt's a 1 00 pages long,
okay?
And it's 1 00 pages,
and there's no punctuation.
lt's just like-
it's a run-on sentence.
lt's like driving a car
without brakes.
You go, ''Whoa, whoa!''
l got through
the third line,
and l had my
first out-of-body experience.
l hovered over my body,
and l had to promise myself
l wouldn't read the fourth line,
and then
l could reenter my myself.
What caused
this economic crisis is greed.
lt's purely and simply greed.
That's where you-
that's where it lies.
There is no discussion
of that.
That's what, you know,
we've done over the course
of my lifetime.
lf l-
one of the great-
one of the things that
my country seems to have done
is perfect greed.
You think
Enron and WorldOom,
you think, ''Wow, it can't get
any more fucked up than that.''
Ha, ha-ha, ha, ha.
Bernie Madoff,
that reads like fucking fiction,
and if
you read it as fiction,
you'd go, ''Well,
his last name's Madoff.
''That's bullshit.
''You got to be kidding me.
l'm not going
to finish this book.''
lt's greed.
There was one of the great
financial houses
that sunk like the Titanic,
it was run by this guy
named Thain,
and just before
the boat sunk,
he gave those who worked
in his office bonuses,
like a month before.
Like, ''Here, here's a bonus
for blowing up the engine room.''
And he spent
$1 .5 million
just before his-
the whole thing goes to ruin
on his office,
on redoing his office,
redecorating it.
Really?
$1 .5 million?
Are you
fucking kidding me?
lf l had $1 .5 million to do
a financial house's office-
if l ran a financial house,
which l'm fucking
thinking of doing,
'cause it's easier
than this shit-
''Yeah, sure,
give me that check,
Don't worry about a thing.''
[laughs]
So l'd have a chair
for who l have to talk to,
a desk, my chair,
and then
the rest of the office
would be filled
with a giant aquarium,
and in the aquarium
would be a huge white shark.
And l would have
an intern, very cute,
up on a ladder
with chunks of meat,
and throw it at the shark.
And the shark
would go...[gnashing]
And when he finished
eating all the meat,
the intern would dive in,
eat the shark,
and then rub my back.
How good is that?
That'd certainly
fuck with the guy
sitting in front of me,
wouldn't it?
So he spent $63,000
on a credenza.
By your silence,
l realize none of you know
what the fuck that is,
and few people do.
l'm 60, and no one
has ever called me
and said, ''Lew, you must come
see my new credenza.''
Apparently, it's a glorified
office file cabinet.
l always
thought that the credenza
were the two bones
just above your ass bone,
as in,
''My credenza's acting up.
l must see
the chiropractor.''
And if they had
a piece of furniture
made entirely out of bones,
that might
be worth $63,000.
$87,000
for an area rug.
l know
what an area rug is.
lt's a rug
that covers an area.
lf l spent $87,000
on an area rug,
that rug should be woven
from the pubic hair of virgins.
Yes.
And l should have
a leather-bound book
with photos of the women
who contributed to my rug,
and l would keep
that leather-bound book
in my credenza.
The big argument now is,
how do we regulate capitalism?
Should we?
There are many people
who still argue
that there should be as little
regulation as possible.
And l say that those fuckers
are full of shit.
And the reason
that l say that-
and l will not argue with them
or discuss it with them,
or when they talk,
l go, ''Ahh.''
No, because the SEO-
the people who are supposed
to be watching over
this whole thing
and who are obviously
playing a game
of who's got
the biggest cock...
They...
They came out with a list
of what they thought
the first rules
might be.
And the first rule
that was discussed-
and l wish the fuck
l was making this up-
the lender
should be absolutely sure
that the borrower
has the financial assets
and resources
and income
in order
to repay the lender.
A lot of people who ran banks
seemed to have forgotten that.
So they needed to have it
written down.
And if you're going
to write that rule down,
the second one should be:
if you're turning blue,
remember to breathe.
One of the major ways that
President Obama
sees us coming out
of this economic decline
is through
alternative energy.
And l have been fighting
for alternative energy
for 40 years,
and l will tell you,
it's not going to happen.
And l know
it's not going to happen,
because everything-
l've wanted a lot of things.
None of them
have fucking happened.
So l'm pretty sure
this isn't going to happen.
l'm sure
it's not going to happen
because we don't seem
to get it.
You know,
one of the first responses
to the fact that gas prices
was going up was this,
''Hey, l know
what we're going to do.
We're going
to make ethanol.''
Mm-hmm.
And the way we made ethanol
was out of corn.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, do you want to know
when your country-
if you want to know
when your country-
there's no more clearer sign
that your country
is in the midst
of a massive
nervous-fuck-breakdown
is when they're turning
food into fuel.
Food.
Mmm, yummy.
Fuel.
Oh, Jesus!
l can never
get that oil down.
You don't turn corn
into fucking fuel.
God damn it.
Many congressmen
have said,
''People don't eat
a lot of corn,''
and l say, ''Fuck you!
l need my niblets,
you son of a bitch.''
Go to the store.
Oorn's in
fucking everything.
lt's in green beans,
for fuck's sake.
We're not going
to have alternative energy.
When they finally raised
the requirement
of miles per gallon on a car,
after, like, 25 years,
they finally voted for it.
''Yeah, now
we're gonna raise it,
so that the cars
are more fuel-efficient.''
The argument against that
was that,
''Now the roads
will be dangerous.
''lt's going to be as dangerous
as hell out there.''
Why?
''Oh, because the cars
will be lighter.''
So?
They're not going
to be magnetized, fucker.
That's bullshit.
That's a bullshit argument.
lt's nonsense, you know,
and that's why
it's difficult sometimes
to argue with some people,
because they say something
like that, and you go...
They might as well
have said,
''Giant Kodiak bears
will rule the Earth.''
l started fighting
for alternative energy
during the first Earth Day,
which was 40 years ago,
because Earth Day
was created by my generation.
lt was created
by my generation.
lt's not the Earth Day
that exists now,
when people
are wandering around
trying to sell
compostable nipple clamps.
Fuck you.
Earth Day was created
because we were doing-
oh, whew-
a lot of drugs,
more drugs than
you can ever fuck imagine.
And so we came up
with Earth Day
so we'd have one day
that would remind us
what planet
we were living on.
l know we can have
alternative energy,
and l know it because
when l was a kid,
my president said we were
going to get to the Moon.
And he said we were going
to do it in ten years.
And we all thought
he was out of his fucking mind,
because the only fuel
that we had to get us there,
at that point in time,
was fireworks.
''Let's strap these sparklers
on the back of this Schwinn
''and push it
over the cliff.
Son of a bitch.''
''Strap a monkey on there.
Shove a cherry bomb
up its ass.''
We're closer now
to having alternative energy.
We're much closer.
And l know
that we can have it.
l know that we can have it
because l have this.
l'm holding
a phone in my hands,
an iPhone.
And-don't.
Don't.
No, no.
This, in and of itself,
is an amazing instrument.
However, it's attached to AT&T,
which makes it
a fucking rock.
l can call anyone,
okay?
Look at this.
lf l'm in the right place.
l can call anyone.
And see this?
Look at this.
Anyone,
anywhere on the planet,
and there are no wires,
none.
That's fucking
unbelievable.
And we act like this-
just, you know,
it's been around
for years.
lt fucking hasn't.
lt wasn't that long ago
that the phone you had
was the phone
in your house.
And it had a wire,
and it was a piece of shit,
but it was so heavy
that if anyone attacked you,
you could kill them.
And it wasn't
that long ago
that if you wanted
a cell phone,
it was actually
the size of a walkie-talkie,
and you had to dig a foxhole
to get reception.
And we hold these things,
and we don't even know
where the fucking-
we don't know where
the fucking magic-
how does it go in?
We don't know.
You dial a number.
You don't know
where the fuck-
you don't know
where it's coming out.
You have no idea
where it comes in.
lt's in my pocket,
and l know it's doing
something to my nuts
that isn't right, eh?
Every time
l get a call, l go,
''Oh, fuck.
1 0,000 sperm have died.
But the other seven
are still snappy.''
So...
You can take photos
with this.
lt's a camera.
You can take a photo
of your friend,
and they will look
exactly the way they'd look
if they had hepatitis.
You look swell in yellow.
You can download music
and movies and apps.
They have applications.
l don't even
have to fart any more.
lt farts for me.
lt farts for me.
l'm holding
a computer in my hand.
We are living
in Star Trek time, fuckers.
lt's a computer,
purely and simply.
'Kay?
Years ago,
and not that long ago either,
if you wanted to take
your business laptop
on the road with you,
you had to strap it
on a burro.
l can download 3 million vaginas
in a minute into this.
Don't tell me we can't have
alternative energy.
But what was more important
than anything else-
the reason that we don't have
alternative energy, l believe,
is because,
what was vital to us
and, really, all peoples
of the Earth
was the ability
to type that,
''l am going
to meet you and Bob
''down at the Hooters
for a big batch of chips.''
Smiley face, emoticon,
''Suck my dick,
ha, ha, ha.''
That's what
we needed to do.
We needed to text.
That was what we wanted more
than alternative energy,
the ability
to type a message,
to command someone.
l don't want to talk
to this fucker.
That's exhausting.
lf l talk to him,
he's going to argue with me.
Just be at the Hooters,
you fuck!
That's it.
lt's that simple.
We're not discussing it.
There isn't
a person in this room
who enjoyed
learning to type, no one.
There isn't-
there's no one who ever said,
''l must get to typing class.
lt is transcendent.''
But all of a sudden,
they made the keys smaller.
Oh, this so much
fucking fun.
Oh, this is
the greatest thing ever,
'cause nobody will know
that l can't really spell.
And if you're twittering,
fuck you.
Where do you get
the massive ego to think
that anybody gives a shit
what you're doing?
Where the fuck do you even
get that much interest
in your own
fucking life?
When l'm buying shoes,
l don't go,
''Oh! l am buying shoes.
l must tell the world.''
What the fuck?
What level of goddamn insanity
are you at?
And if you're describing-
lf you're describing
what you're doing,
then you're not doing it.
l'd just like
to take a moment
to tell the kids
in the audience that
as an adult, l want to-
l'd like to apologize
for my generation,
because you are fucked.
We tried,
but it just...
hasn't worked out.
As regards Social Security,
forget it.
We'd like
to get it done for you,
but it's math,
and that's really hard.
And so since
you're not going to get
truly what is rightfully yours
and you should have,
l say, you start-
well, start stealing shit
from your parents.
You have every right.
You have every right.
Go for it.
Not the big-ticket items.
You know, that stuff
that's lying around the house,
you know, the stuff
that they don't use,
the stuff-
and you know what?
When you grab it
and send it off to eBay,
they won't even fucking-
they won't even remember.
They'll be going-
they'll be going
around the house going,
''Where's that thing?
That thing?
''You know,
that thing?
''The one the guy had
in the movie,
you know, the guy.''
And you also deserve
a lot of credit
for this past election,
because you really were
the engine
behind the election
of Obama.
The adults
can't take credit for that.
lf it was up
to my generation,
we would have slept
fuck through it.
But his appeal to you
is understandable,
because he is
the first president,
certainly in my lifetime,
who's filled with hope.
His...
His nipples are actually
bursting with hope.
He is lactating hope.
And when you're young,
son of a bitch,
there's nothing better
than hope.
Really, it's the best drug
there is.
There's no better drug
than hope.
That's for sure,
and l tried them all.
But l'm 60,
and fuck hope.
l mean, to be honest,
l'm not even sure
l believe in Bob Hope.
Hope was the greatest thing
on Earth when l was young.
Hope's what allowed me
to craft a little basket,
and l filled it with
my dreams and my visions
of all the things
l wanted to be
and l wanted
my country to be
and l wanted
the world to be.
And my father and mother
said,
''Take that down the street,
''and those folks down there,
they'll help you.
They'll help you see
all of this come true.''
And l took it down there,
and they-
they took the basket,
and they said,
''Wow, that's the-
that's the most lovely little
basket of hope we've ever seen.''
And then they put it
on the ground
and shit all over it!
But that-
that didn't bother me,
'cause l had hope.
And hope's what allowed me
to wash that basket off,
and l filled that basket up
again and again and again.
And as l grew older,
l became more specific.
You know, l felt that
in a country as rich as ours,
no one should ever
go to bed hungry
and that there certainly
should be an educational system
that allows every child
to pursue whatever dream
they have,
and no one
should have to choose
between finances
and their health,
and for fuck's sake,
there ought to be flying cars.
But...
But none of the things
that l've wanted,
none of the things
that l've hoped for
have come to pass,
and that
doesn't bother me anymore,
because l know exactly
when it will happen,
and it will.
Everything that l've ever
dreamed of is going to happen.
And it will happen...
[laughs]
the day after l die.
l can guarantee it.
l can guarantee it.
You'll wake up
and read the paper:
''Noted comic Lewis Black
has passed away.
Funeral services Friday,
room for flying cars.''
Hope, to me, is a very,
very simple thing now.
Hope, to me,
boils down to this,
that when l wake up
tomorrow morning
and l open the door
to my hotel room,
there'll be a little bowl
of whipped cream there.
Thank you, Detroit.
Thank you.
[jazzy music]
# #
[cheers and applause]
My parents couldn't make
the trip this evening.
They've been in both
my other specials,
and so
they sent a picture.
This is my parents
when they were married.
And they look exactly
the same now,
because they're vampires.
The weird thing is,
is, if you do two shows,
during the second show,
l actually thought
that these things were moving.
l did.
Every so often,
l'd go, ''What the fuck?
''Oh.
Oh, shit, it's okay.''
And-and l really would
like to thank-
oh, it's that fucking-
it's that jib.
That's what it is.
lt's that goddamned
fucking camera.
lt throws a shadow
over it,
and l'm going, ''Ooh.''
lt was
an unbelievable evening.
The place is so haunted
that when
they actually took the film
and then tried
to develop it later on,
Mr. Black did not appear.
Ohh, ohh!
[horn bleating]
John, come on.