Stark Raving Mad (2002) Movie Script

[ Quiet Growling ]
[ Growling ]
When you get that break,
you take it, right?
But when you get that break
and you reach the top,
savor it.
Take it all in
and let them suck your dick...
while you tell them how wrong
they were for not believing you
in the first place.
Then get out.
Quit. Exit.
[ Water Running ]
And make sure
to leave them wondering.
I was watching
the Learning Channel
the other day.
There was a special
on Buffalo Bill.
You know, the great
Wild West showman?
For years,
this guy was the shit.
I mean, he helped tame
the Wild West, and he made
a lot of money doing it.
But he didn't get out
in time, you know?
He tried to hold on.
You just can't do that.
You see, at the age of 70
Bill was still doing
Wild West shows,
but for other guys'
'cause he was dead broke.
Big mistake.
They used to have to prop
the old bastard on his horse,
he'd do a lap
around the center ring,
then they'd help him off
his horse and put him to bed
for the night.
Real fucking impressive,
Well, not me.
This is it.
After tonight I'm done.
No one's propping me
on a pony when I'm 70.
Keep the boom-boom jungle music
down to a reasonable level,
all right?
Define "reasonable level."
It's a fucking night club.
I don't have to define it.
I'm gonna be here
to enforce it.
You're gonna be here?
I-- I thought you were
taking off for the night.
I changed my mind, okay?
I'm regretting
letting you guys talk me
into this after-hours crap.
This is my club,
so I'm gonna be here,
all right?
- Sure. Whatever.
- Yeah, that's cool.
Get a fuckin' thesaurus
if you need it better
explained to you.
[ Muttering Continues ]
[ Door Closes ]
This ain't cool, man.
We can't have him here.
He's gonna wreck the whole
fuckin' plan, Ben.
We rented this space,
that shitty... ass neck.
- Don't worry about it, Rikki.
- We're in way over our heads.
You know that, Ben?
This is too big.
It's too complicated.
It's not gonna end good.
I said don't worry, okay?
I'm not gonna let
anything happen to you.
You trust me, right?
We're fucked. All right?
This is the most nuts thing
you ever thought of.
It's too risky.
I don't care
what Gregory wants, okay?
Now-Now we can't play
the music loud?
Let's go back to grifting.
Rikki, how do you think
Gregory would react
if we told him,
"You know what?
We're not gonna steal
the statue for you." Huh?
We'd end up like
Cheng One-Eye, that's all.
I'll take care of Partridge.
Hey, Partridge.
I need a big black marker.
You got one?
I saw the way you and that
little shit looked at each other
when I said I was gonna be here.
You two are planning on
breaking all sorts of laws
tonight, aren't you?
I see anything that could
get me shut down--
underage drinking,
noise, drugs--
- I am pulling the plug
on your asses!
- Good.
Black marker.
May I?
When I say,
"Turn the music down," you say,
"How much, Mr. Partridge?"
You got it?
Relax. Okay?
Good God. The DJ we hired
is really mellow.
[ Clattering ]
- A real peace-love kind of...
- Are you done fucking with me?
You motherfucker!
Fuck off!
I'll be right back.
Why did you shove him?
I didn't.
I was just asking him
not to touch my records.
I was trying to help him--
Yeah, and that involved
touching them, didn't it?
All right.
Now that we're even,
who the hell are you?
[ Laughs ]
Is that like some kind
of trick question?
- Where's DJ Max?
- He couldn't make it.
People are coming
to hear DJ Max. His name's
all over the flyers.
All right.
What's your name?
- Steve Moulding.
- No, I mean your DJ name.
Oh. Oh, my DJ name.
That would be Steven Moulding.
Look, asshole,
you need a DJ name
like... DJ Max has.
Who the fuck wants
to hear Steven Moulding?
I don't. Do you, Rikki?
Fuck you.
All right.
DJ Fuck You it is.
- Bye-bye, Rikki.
- Bye-bye, DJ Fuck You.
[ Grunting ]
I want you to play
the red record
at 1:45 a.m. tonight.
Then play the blue one
at 1:55.
Fuck it up,
and I'll shoot your family.
[ Groaning ]
Have a good set.
Did you just grab
his balls, Ben?
Why? Are you jealous?
"X" marks the spot.
Okay. One more review,
then it's show time.
The bank alarm system
is divided into three parts.
Two of them I can override
in my sleep.
Only the third one concerns us.
It's a sonic detector.
Once 6.0 is reached
on this vibration actuator,
the vibrations cause
that third alarm
to shut itself down.
For every precaution,
there's an equal
and opposite weakness.
Case in point:
There's a bank
behind this wall.
Three separate levels
of alarms.
Unbreachable, right?
Betty used to work
for a software company
designing security systems...
for some asshole
who couldn't keep his hands
off of her software.
She got her revenge,
She discovered a bug
in this particular bank's
security system,
and tonight
she's exploiting it
to make us all rich.
She may not be
a seasoned crook,
but where she lacks experience,
she makes up for in heart
and moxie.
That counts for a lot
in my book.
As long as we keep
that party upstairs
loud as hell, we're fine.
Keep the music and the crowd
hoppin', and the alarm
is totally neutralized.
At 11:00, once the vibrations
from the club neutralize
that third alarm,
I start drilling
into the alarm nest
in the circuit panel...
so that Betty can reach
the first two alarm systems
and take them off-line.
Jake Nealson was big
on the metal scene
in the late '80s.
Pyro guy.
Worked in all the huge tours.
Then grunge came along,
and Jake found himself
tending bar.
But tonight, Jake makes
his glorious return
to pyrotechnics.
He's gonna put a new door
in the wall, and, uh,
hopefully not kill us all
in the process.
Okay, so maybe he's not
a real demolitions man,
but he doesn't owe allegiance
to Mr. Gregory like every other
real bomb guy on this coast.
And I gotta tell you,
underneath that crunchy
chocolate shell,
Jake's a big, warm nougat
of a guy.
Then once Betty's got
those two down,
I blow the wall to the bank,
and in goes Jeffrey.
2:00 a.m., after Jake opens
a new door in the wall,
I hang a clothesline,
go in over the sensors.
Jeffrey's our box man.
His family's owned
the Pinkerton Safe Company
for four generations.
Jeffrey grew up assuming
he was next in line
to take over the business,
but his father felt that
Jeffrey was a superstitious
little fuckup,
so the old man left the company
to Jeffrey's younger sister.
Jeffrey swore
he'd get his revenge...
by breaking in to every safe
his family ever designed,
more or less
proving his father right,
come to think of it.
Anyway, he's gonna get
a little closer to his goal
I hope.
At 3:50 a.m., I'm on my way
out of the vault
with the goods in my bag.
4:30 a.m.,
I get the bag to Gregory,
and we are rich.
By the time
the rave ends in the morning
and alarms go off,
we'll be long gone.
[ Betty ]
Okay, Rikki.
Like we talked about.
You get the rave loud, man.
We keep it loud.
This has got to read
above 6.0.
If it drops below that,
the alarm reactivates,
goes off,
and we're fucked.
Six-oh, man.
You can do this tonight.
I know you can.
And this is it.
We retire.
Hey, Dirk.
Hey. Hey, girls.
So I guess
I'll see you guys--
Oh, thank you.
Nice pants, asshole.
[ Women Laughing ]
He thought you
were serious!
Hey, Ben?
Who's Cheng One-Eye?
One of Gregory's guys
a few years ago.
Know how he got that name?
He lost an eye?
Come on, man.
What the fuck!
You don't get the name
Cheng One-Eye 'cause he lost
a fucking ear. Right?
I'm sayin', do you know
how he lost that eye?
He tried to double-cross
Gregory, that's how.
Remember Tommy Fingernails?
Yeah, sure.
Same thing.
Cheng used to have both eyes,
Tommy used to have
You fuck with Gregory,
you get a nickname.
I don't want a nickname,
Do you want a nickname?
I don't want
a nickname, either.
All right. Good.
When we get in there,
don't say shit unless
he talks to you, okay?
[ Sighs ]
You ready for this?
I'm ready.
[ Door Opens ]
[ Bells Jingling ]
[ Door Closes ]
Mr. Gregory.
Hello, Benjamin.
I see you brought a friend.
That's nice.
Please, sit.
this is Rikki?
Nice pants.
[ Sighs ]
Ever had your fortune
told, Rikki?
Uh... no.
Not-- Not really.
Give me your hand.
Sorry. Bad fortune.
Aah! Ow!
Get off me!
All right!
[ Rikki, Shaky Voice ]
I'll be outside.
I asked you
to meet me here alone.
I was specific on that request.
Consider that
a friendly warning.
Rikki reminds me
of your brother.
I still feel badly
about what happened
to Kevin.
He had potential.
It pains me to force you
to pay off his debts
like this, but...
I am a businessman,
after all.
Examples must be made.
- This will go smoothly.
- As long as you're sure
the statue's there.
The safety deposit vault
next to it is one of my own.
I watched them move
the statue in.
It's there.
After this,
I'm no one's errand boy
I'm cleaning the slate
You've talked a good game,
Benjamin, but now it's time
to deliver, isn't it?
It's all under control.
Why don't you go back
to your place?
Wait for you at home?
Oh, I don't think so.
- This place is 24 hours, right?
- Yeah, but it puts you--
Then shut the fuck up.
If I want to be here,
I'll be here.
It is now 10:00.
I'll be here
until 5:00 a.m.
I expect you to be sitting
in this booth, handing me
the statue at that time.
You okay?
Uh, yeah,
I'll be all right.
Let me look.
I'm sorry, man.
I didn't know he was
gonna pull any shit.
Let's get it cleaned up
when we get back.
Let's go.
There's another thing,
Gregory's gonna
stay here all night.
He thinks we're gonna try
and dash with the statue.
Oh, shit.
Oh. But we're not,
Of course not.
This has got to go
tonight, Rikki.
[ Techno ]
[ Continues, Faint ]
[ Man ]
I don't think so.
Let me in the fucking club,
you piece of shit!
What's wrong?
Fake I.D.
- No, it's not.
- Sorry. You can't come in.
That's my real I.D.
Bite me.
This doesn't look like
just a dye job to me.
See, you're a brunette,
and this I.D.'s
for a natural blonde.
Oh, yeah? Does this look
brunette to you?
[ Crowd Gasping ]
[ Man ]
Oh, my God.
[ Heart Beating ]
Don't be a dick, Dirk.
Let her in.
[ Cheering ]
[ Cheering Continues ]
Oh, God.
What's wrong, Vanessa?
Ben McGewan.
Is he gonna follow me
around all nightagain?
When do you think
he's gonna get the hint?
I don't know. The brick
through his windshield
wasn't enough of a hint?
Looks like
he's over you.
Hey, Ben. Did you order
some transvestites?
Uh, 'cause they're here.
Oh! The S&M show.
It's midnight already?
Got a place for us girls
to put our faces on?
Glad you're here.
take 'em backstage. Okay.
So, just curious--
How do you hide
your dick and your balls?
[ Muzak ]
What the fuck is that?
What do you mean "what"?
I'm not listening to that shit
while I work. Turn it off.
I can't. I have to
have it on to work.
It soothes me.
Well, blow jobs soothe me,
but you're not giving me one
while I'm working.
Not funny.
That's not funny.
You know that, right?
- I gotta play this
or I can't work.
- You're a little bitch.
Do you know that?
You're a big
fucking Mongoloid.
Both of you, shut the f--
Shut the fuck up.
Just leave the music on
if it helps him, Jake.
[ Drill Whirring ]
- Now what?
- Fortune Fish.
Fortune Fish.
What the fuck
is a Fortune Fish?
Fortune Fish.
Never lies.
I use it
before every job.
Oh. Good.
For a second there
I thought you were insane.
- It's good to know
you're just a fuckhead.
- Seriously.
Three years ago,
I was with these guys,
gonna break into
the World Bank of Commerce
down on Fourth.
Before we started, I consulted
the Fortune Fish, and--
[ Betty ]
- And what?
- [ Drill Stops ]
It flipped.
- What does that mean?
- Doom.
Certain failure.
I refused to go.
They went on without me,
and guess what.
They're all doing 10 to 20
in Chino...
because they, like yourselves,
scoffed at the power
of the Fortune Fish.
Shit. Oh, shit!
Man, it curled! Danger!
Proceed with extreme caution!
[ Squeals ]
How are the, uh... girls?
They're gettin' dressed.
They said they have
a snake guy comin'.
Why do the transvestites
have a snake guy comin'?
It's part of the show.
There's a lot I don't know
about transvestites,
isn't there?
Oh, my God!
Ben! Ben, this place is stocked
with beautiful women,
and you're reading
National Geographic.
You wanna see what we're
stealing, or are you just
gonna talk shit all night?
What does Gregory
want with it anyway?
Is he gonna sell it?
It's not the money
in this one for Gregory.
Listen up.
A little story for you.
Now, there's four statues
total, okay?
god of rivers.
Fei Lien, god of wind.
Yen-Lo-Wang, god of earth
and Chu Jung, god of fire.
The four elements.
Are you listening to me?
You're doing this.
I don't know what that is.
Yeah, I'm listening.
You sure?
Yeah, yeah.
The last man to own
all four statues...
was Emperor Han Wu-Ti
of the Han Dynasty
over 2,000 years ago.
Legend has it
that when he controlled
the four statues,
he was master
of the four elements.
Like He-Man.
No, He-Man was master
of the universe.
Anyway, Gregory's collected
the other three.
When we get Chu Jung here,
he'll be the first man
to own them all since 87 B.C.
I didn't know Gregory went in
for all that supernatural,
superstitious stuff.
He doesn't,
but the Chinese mafia
he deals with every day
sure as hell does.
Gregory knows that.
He knows if he has
all four statues, it fucks
with their heads--
Vanessa's here.
You know that?
I'm telling you a story here,
you're talking about Vanessa.
- Yeah, I noticed.
- So you're gonna go
for it... again?
No, Rikki.
Do you mind
if I go for it?
Where you going?
[ Whirring ]
[ Powering Down ]
[ Radio: Muzak ]
We hit 6.0
about 45 minutes ago.
What the hell is this?
Drugs? There's no drug use
in bank robbery, Betty.
Don't blame me.
The shit belongs
to stoner boy.
Excuse me?
Betty? Bite me.
I work better stoned.
Besides, we had to
calm down Jeffrey.
- Why did Jeffrey need
calming down, Jake?
- The Fortune Fish.
- Danger. Proceed
with extreme caution.
- [ Sighs ]
Hey! You gotta talk
to Partridge, man.
He's gonna shut down
the club.
What? Why?
I don't know.
He's just really pissed.
Come on.
There you are,
you piece of shit.
Tell me why anybody
in their right mind would need
to listen to music this loud!
I took a big gamble...
letting you talk me into
this after-hours bullshit.
I'm not licensed for this.
I get one call to the cops,
they shut me down forever!
This is Chinatown,
No one fucking lives here.
I don't care.
It's over.
What about our deal?
Fuck the deal,
and fuck you!
I'm pullin' the plug.
Oh, what?
Are you gonna hit me
with the bottle now?
Oh! You fucking did it!
What's the matter with you?
Ow! You son of a bitch!
Shit, Ben.
I just can't have him
shuttin' the music off.
Just find some rope
and tie this sack of shit up.
I used to collect silver dollars
when I was a kid.
I don't collect them.
This is my lucky silver dollar.
You've got two lucky
silver dollars?
No, only one.
I just don't know which one.
See, I had
a lucky silver dollar.
I kept it with me
wherever I went.
Then someone gave me a plain
old non-lucky silver dollar, and
they accidentally got mixed up.
Same year, same mint.
- So only one is
silver dollar.
- Right.
But you can't spend either one
because you don't know
which one is lucky.
Gosh, Jeffrey. Why don't you
just ask the Fortune Fish
which one it is?
Geez, just when I think
you can't be a bigger retard!
[ Electricity Powering Down ]
[ Slows, Speeds Up ]
What the hell is that?
Someone's on the rag.
You got more electricity--
Aah! See?
It's not our fault, dear.
Your little house boy
told us to do that.
How are we supposed to
get gorgeous for your floor show
without our hardware, honey?
Mitchell, I can't have
the power going out.
Unplug that mess
and get some extension cords.
Jesus Christ, Ben!
You know what?
We're getting ready here!
- Look at you.
- Whoo!
Yeah! Like that.
Like that!
Hey, Ben, man.
What the fuck?
I was wondering
if you'd seen Chad.
I don't know who you are.
How the fuck would I
know Chad?
You'd know Chad
if you saw him.
Oh, I would?
Okay. Why don't you
go back to the lounge
and sleep it off, pal?
[ Speaking Chinese ]
- All yours, Betty.
- Wow.
Only an hour and a half late.
Nice work, monkey man.
I take shit from Ben.
I like him.
I should have
the foundation alarms down
in no time.
Make it quick.
I was supposed to blow
those holes over an hour ago.
If we're gonna pull this off,
I gotta get the explosives
in place.
Look, ass, you can't rush
system hacking.
I got a lot of logic
to untangle.
It's not like
making holes in walls,
so stop bustin' my ovaries.
Hey! Race cars!
[ Betty ]
You know, race cars!
[ Imitating Car Engine ]
[ Loud Banging ]
Were you staring
at my ass?
What? No, I--
Came down
to get some smokes.
Are you having trouble
with the machine?
Yeah. I don't have
enough change.
And you were hoping
that the machine
would give you a pack...
out of the goodness
of its heart?
It works sometimes.
Well, I happen to know that
that's a female machine,
and... your feminine wiles
won't work on it.
Um, how come you've been
ignoring me all night?
Are you kidding me?
Oh, my God.
[ Scoffs ]
Well, for one thing,
I don't want to replace
another windshield.
And... I'm busy.
I was, uh, kinda thinking--
[ Coin Drops ]
[ Rikki ]
Oh, my God!
I am the queen
of Truth or Dare!
Whoo! Ow!
Thank you. Thank you.
You liked that?
[ Rikki ]
Yeah, I did. Yeah. Wow.
You can go next if you want.
- How are we doing
with that thing?
- Uh, great.
Um, no one's called me
on my cell phone yet.
Okay, Rikki.
Keep listening for that call.
- Hey, you're next.
- Next what?
We're playing Truth or Dare,
and you're up.
I'm running a club here.
I'm kind of busy.
Truth or dare?
- Truth.
- Okay.
I got one.
If you were allowed
to commit one...
completely immoral,
culturally unacceptable
act of sin,
and the next day
no one would remember,
what would you do?
Good question.
[ Excited Shouting ] Chad?
[ Man ]
Come on, Chad.
Let him go, man.
You're acting
like an asshole.
You want me to take you home,
you keep it up, mister.
Come on!
Ruinin' the weekend again.
Hey, Ben.
How you doin'?
Got a snake problem here,
but I can talk him down...
if you just give me
a second.
That gets him upset.
Uh, Chad, you're gettin'
into shit here.
[ Rikki ]
Ben, where are you going, man?
What's his name? Chad.
Whoa! Easy, man!
He's got a backbone,
for Christ's sakes.
Can't you, like, sing
to him or something?
Sing him a song.
Sing him
the magic snake song.
It's all right.
Just part of the show.
Come on. Be nice.
[ Rikki ]
Just part of the show.
[ Grunting ]
[ Rikki ]
Whoa! Heads up!
[ Screaming ]
[ Screaming ]
You all right?
This your wallet?
Yeah. Yeah.
It went in the vent.
The snake went
inside the vent.
I got it!
Where does that vent go?
[ Grumbles ]
What the fuck!
[ Screaming ]
Aah! Christ!
Ben, you are not
gonna believe this, man.
Big snake. I know.
Watch out.
It's gone.
- Must have went back up
in the vent.
- Ben?
Remind me never
to piss you off.
Yeah, so, uh,
how's everything going
down here?
It's good, Ben.
It's good.
That's really funny.
[ Snickering ]
Don't touch it.
Hello, Ben.
Gregory wants to see you.
- Now?
- He didn't specify now.
Usually implied
with Mr. Gregory.
- He'll have to wait.
- No.
Look, if you fuck with me
that may cause me
to make a mistake.
And if I make a mistake,
the bank alarms will go off.
If the bank alarms go off,
guess who Gregory's
going to blame.
And if he gets mad at me
and shoots me and I die,
well, that's gonna suck.
After he shoots me and I die,
he'll ask you guys
to take on my debt.
Yeah. You know how
the system works.
So if you want to
fuck with me tonight,
fuck away.
Just get out
those checkbooks, boys.
[ Whimpers ]
This song sucks, man,
but it's 1:45,
and I'm playing it
just like you asked me to--
I need you
to play it again later.
I'll let you know when.
Dude, you're not
listening to me!
The song blows, okay?
People are gonna
think it's my mix
if I play this shit twice.
They're gonna think
I'm shit!
I'll let you know
when to play it again!
Help me, Jesus!
Help me!
Fill it to the top.
All right.
Hey. Hey.
Uh, the name's Roy. Ben.
You know, Ben, there's, uh,
this Chinese myth,
says, uh,
"When a man saves
another's life, that man
is indebted to him forever."
Yeah. I think
I saw something
on PBS about that.
So I want you to know,
if there's ever anything
you need, and I can help,
you just let me know,
all right?
All right. Thanks.
Thanks again, Ben.
[ Muffled Grunting ]
[ Grunting Continues ]
- What the hell's
goin' on, Ben?
- [ Muffled Grunting ]
[ Grunting Continues ]
[ Man's Voice On Record ]
Master and slave.
[ Grunting ]
Sorry about that scare.
Partridge is a real method man.
One of those, uh, Stanislavskys.
It takes all types,
I guess, huh? Yeah.
Well, we'll see you
around, Ben.
What is it?
I gotta tell you something
about those guys.
I can't breathe, man.
I can't breathe.
They're here for us.
You know that?
They're gonna nail us, man.
- I-- I can't breathe, man.
- You're gonna be fine.
How can you tell me I'm gonna
be fine and then tell me there's
undercover feds out there, Ben?
They're gonna catch on to us
and throw us in prison,
and then I'm gonna get
fucked in my ass by some
hairy greaseball named Otto.
I'm not gonna let Otto
fuck you in the ass.
You know what?
You're not gonna be able
to help me fight Otto...
because you're gonna be married
on a completely different
cell block, bent over a sink.
Yeah, with soap and shit.
We're gonna look like donuts
by the time we get out
on parole.
- Rikki--
- I can't do this, man.
I can't go out there
and do this, okay?
We're not bank robbers, man.
If we pull out now,
the alarms go off.
we don't know that it's us
that they're here for.
Oh! Then why are they here
if they're not here for us, Ben?
- Someone else
robbing a bank tonight?
- I don't know.
Aw, shit.
Oh, my God.
[ Ben ]
Oh, my God! Oh!
Listen, cook your chicken.
It always chills you out.
I'll take care of this.
Relax and deal, Rikki.
I need you tonight.
[ Door Opens ]
I don't even want my chicken
anymore, Ben!
Dirk, the line's
all the way down
on the street.
How come we're not
staying full?
We're getting
a lot of fake I.D.'s.
It's all like jail bait.
- So? Let 'em in, man.
Let 'em all in.
- Huh? You're kidding.
- Come on. Okay, let's go.
- They'll shut us down.
There you go.
What the hell
are you doing?
- Single file.
- You no have club no more!
Lots of room for ya.
Get drunk. Be loud!
Be really loud!
Okay. All right.
There you go.
You'll never promote
a club again!
I don't give a shit.
[ Muzak ]
I'm winning.
You can't win.
It's a loop, idiot.
You just go around it.
I'm ahead of you.
I was always the best
at racing and I still am.
- Three points!
- What do you mean,
"three points"?
Three points! I passed you.
That's three points.
Where the hell
is that rule?
There's no points.
It's racing.
That's the way
I've always played it.
It wasn't three points,
I just passed you.
I get three points.
No, you don't.
- Why not?
- You bumped me when you passed.
I get two more points.
Fuck you and your points!
There's no goddamn points.
You just pull the trigger
and make your car go around.
Oh, fuckin'--
Thanks, asshole!
Take a chill pill.
I'm trying to make up
some lost time here.
- How am I supposed to work with
you picking on the autistic?
- Hey!
You know what?
Fuck the both of you.
My cousin picked this up
in Mexico last week.
Says it works
like a charm.
Right on, man.
You're so thoroughly immoral.
Immoral? This just
lets her express herself.
What's so immoral about that?
[ Loud Belch ]
Ben, baby, honey,
can you zip me up?
Oh, my God.
Get back in there.
I can't wait to see
what you guys do
with that thing.
Oh, Maurice?
He got the night off.
Ever since you volunteered
your older friend to be
our bitch boy tonight.
[ Door Opens ]
[ Woman ]
There you are.
So what is it?
What's what?
What's your truth?
You can't stop something
you've already started.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Oh, shit.
Hey, man, uh--
- Hey, Kitten. Hi.
- What is it, Rikki?
- Jake!
- Jake?
Uh, hey, Ben.
How's it goin', man?
What the fuck
are you doing up here?
Just taking a little break,
You're fucking fired!
You're kidding.
You can't do it without me.
Yeah, but we can't do it
with you now, can we?
What did you take?
Don't know.
I drank some, uh,
[ Chuckles ]
I don't think that was gin
in that thing, though, Ben.
[ Voice Breaking ]
I feel love!
[ Ben ]
Fine. You work stoned, then.
Get in the basement, bitch.
Get in the basement,
All right.
Okay. Okay.
[ Hits Floor ]
Hey, Ben!
Have you seen Jake?
I think
I pissed him off!
[ Gurgling Sound ]
Ah! What?
Holy shit!
Jeffrey! Jeffrey!
He's having
an epileptic seizure.
You're kidding!
Must be the lights.
Stick something in his mouth
so he doesn't swallow his
tongue, like a spoon.
Come on.
Whatever you got.
Hurry up.
- [ Jeffrey Grunting ]
- Yeah, go.
There. Help me get him
out of here, someplace where
the lights aren't so crazy.
How 'bout downstairs?
I mean, how 'bout outside?
He probably needs
fresh air, right?
All right. Let's go.
So, uh, thanks
for the help in there.
Michael Frakes.
Ben McGewan.
We should really
get him to a hospital.
He's probably gonna be fine,
but he needs to see a doctor.
Well, we can't take him
to a hospital.
Why the hell not?
The poor guy just had
a fucking seizure.
Hold on.
There was this thing
on Nova.
They discovered a totally
isolated clan of people...
in a remote region
of Greenland.
They were living in
a technologically medieval
The Untladhavns.
Yeah, no kidding.
And when they sent in
this cultural anthropologist,
he discovered
that these people
never lied.
They didn't even have
a word for it.
That's great for them.
But I bet the Untladhavns never
found themselves in an alley
with Jeffrey the epileptic,
being held together
by an F.B.I. agent...
inches away from discovering
the robbery that they'd
planned for six months.
So fuck the Untladhavns.
Christian Scientist.
He's a Christian Scientist.
He doesn't believe in doctors,
so he'll refuse any treatment
they offer him anyway.
He thinks God
will take care of him.
You're kidding.
I wouldn't lie
about something like that.
[ Scoffs ]
Now what happened?
Don't ask.
Just make sure he doesn't
swallow his tongue.
[ Door Slams ]
[ Moaning ]
[ Scoffs ]
Aw, shit.
I hate cats.
I had one once.
Never came to me
when I called it.
Finally made me so mad,
I drowned it
in the kitchen sink.
That's amazing, isn't it?
That it could make me
that mad.
When I say
I want to see you,
I mean now.
Now. Not in 10 minutes,
not a half an hour later.
I just had--
Shut up.
You're getting cocky,
In this business,
it doesn't behoove me
to have cocky underlings.
Do I make myself
perfectly clear?
You may answer with one word.
Now, then...
I want a status report.
Everything's fine.
See? That wasn't
so hard, was it?
[ Pats Shoulder ]
Be back here at 5:00.
[ Door Opens ]
[ Door Closes ]
[ Snorts ]
[ Betty ]
Okay, I'm done.
Better late than never.
Let's make those holes.
Let's make those holes!
How is that ape
supposed to use explosives
in his condition?
Betty, shut up!
I work better stoned.
I don't know.
He seems fine to me.
[ Rikki ]
Yeah, I vote he does it.
- Are you gonna be down here
when he does it?
- Fuck you! No.
- I'm hungry.
- Hey, Jeffrey.
Did you have a nice nap?
Do you want to be
a bank robber again?
How come you didn't tell me
you're an epileptic?
Because then you wouldn't
have hired me.
That's some fucked-up shit.
Rikki, go back upstairs.
Everybody else,
get back to work.
So I'm not fired?
No, Jeffrey, you're not fired.
You're just an asshole.
I'm starved too.
Can we get some chow first?
Fine. There's a Chinese place
across the street that delivers.
No! Garlic chicken!
Garlic! Chicken! Yes!
There you go!
Did I say pork?
No. I didn't.
Chicken. Thank you.
I want four orders
of that.
Uh, two with wonton soup.
We're at 616 Empire Avenue.
Across the street
from you!
Oh, thank you. Yeah.
That's Ben McGewan.
Hi. What you doin'?
You having a good time?
Not yet, hot pants.
Wanna take a walk?
but I'm kind of busy.
See, you still haven't
answered your truth,
and I say your time's up,
so that means I get a dare.
Do you want to hear
my dare?
Oh, you know, it's, um--
Yeah, I'm kind of busy, so--
I'm workin'.
And, you know,
we really can't do this.
Sure, we can. Watch.
Oh-- Oh, okay.
[ Zipper Unzipping ]
I deserve this.
I should-- Kitten.
Kitten, stop. Okay?
Trust me.
You got no idea
how bad I want this.
But not now.
Then what about this?
Ben. Hi.
Uh, I-I was just
coming down to, uh,
see when the Chinese food
was comin'.
But it kinda looks like you're
already getting dim sum.
Fuck you, Rikki.
It's nothing.
It's nothing?
Fuck you, Ben.
Hey, Kitten.
[ Muffled Grunting ]
[ Door Opens ]
We're good.
Let's do it.
It's that time.
Play that record again.
I think I might've lost it.
Oh, well, I'll just play
something good.
Play it again,
or you're dead!
That's the song.
[ Beeping ]
[ Muffled Explosion ]
[ Door Closes ]
Still on-line.
We're good.
Yup. One more explosion,
we got ourselves a new door.
Knock, knock!
Sorry about your soup, man.
Totally got jostled
on the dance floor,
and it got kind of screwed.
Who the hell are you?
You ordered Chinese food,
Well, that's me.
Chinese food delivery guy.
Scott, is that you?
Jeffrey Jay?
Holy shit, man!
[ Both Laughing ]
How long has it been?
[ Both ]
Six years!
- So what are you doing now?
- Still robbin' banks.
Well, so what are you
doing here?
Robbin' a bank.
[ Scott ]
Oh. No shit.
Hey, can I watch?
No. Fuck off!
He can't.
He's seen everything.
You know what?
Maybe I should fuck off.
[ Betty ] No.
So ahead.
Have a seat and have
some Kung Pao Chicken.
I said have a seat
and have some
Kung Pao Chicken!
You be good now.
Oh! Oh, g--
[ Sighs ]
Holy shit!
- Whoo-hoo!
- What's up?
Oh, I'll tell you what's up.
[ Laughs ]
Uh, guess what I just did.
Starts with the letter "F,"
ends with the letter "ucked."
- No shit.
- Oh, yeah.
You dog.
So, who is she? Huh?
Oh, oh, she's, uh,
just some--
just this hot, hot
little blonde girl.
You know, just hot.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
Yeah, these dirty
little meat flowers
they'll just strip and jump
your donkey anywhere.
- Apparently, yeah.
- No shit! Yeah!
- So, is she young?
- Yeah, kind of. Ooh.
I like 'em young.
You like them young?
I like them when they're young,
but they know their way around.
You know what I mean?
Yes, sir, I do know.
So, where is she now?
El bao.
[ Chortling ]
Oh, yeah.
'Cause I was thinking,
you know,
maybe I'll get a little
sloppy seconds, huh?
Rikki, I'm still purring.
Sure thing, Kitten.
- Susan?
- Susan?
Ben! Please! Oh, God!
Help! Help me!
[ Indistinct Shouting ]
[ Roy ]
Wanna dance? We'll dance!
We're not done.
We're goin' back to
el bao.
You filthy fucking whore, piece
of shit, cocksucker bastard!
Who called her meat flower?
You did. I didn't call her--
[ Screaming ]
- [ Yelling ]
- Hey!
- What?
- What'd you do, Rikki?
What did he do?
You wanna know what he did?
He had sex with
my 16-year-old daughter!
- Sixteen?
- [ Sobbing ]
- Daughter?
- Yes!
I swear to God,
she said she was 17.
Ben, I swear--
You stupid fuck!
This music sucks, man!
Can you play something
more nasty?
I wanna get nasty!
[ Woman Grunting, Moaning ]
He's fucking with the song!
It's like you fucked
part of me!
He's fucking
with the song.
Don't anyone move!
I'll be right back!
Where are you going?
[ Moaning ]
[ Moaning Continues ]
[ Moaning Continues ]
- Fuck!
-[ Explosion ]
What the hell was that?
Sounds like it came
from downstairs.
Beats me.
I'll go check it out.
I'll go with you.
That's okay.
I got it covered.
What's the matter?
You got a dead body
downstairs or something?
What the hell
is going on in here?
Oh, hey there. Got here
as soon as you guys called
about those electrical surges.
- And who are you?
- Sparkz Electronics.
You guys hear that?
Tiny little electrical pop.
Probably sounded
loud as hell upstairs.
This fuse box has fuses
in it and wires that go up.
And over here is a air duct,
and that air duct
is right behind the fuse box.
Together they probably
made it very loud upstairs
when the surges happened.
I'm gonna put
some overtime in on this.
I'll have it ready
for the kitchen in the morning.
I guess that explains it.
These are fuse lists.
I'll go over them,
figure out which one it is.
That's 11-C.
Good. Good.
Who the fuck is this?
He came down here
to deliver the Chinese food
and saw everything.
-I couldn't let him go.
- What the hell is going on
up there with the record?
Hey, leave Rikki alone,
all right?
Oh, shit! Rikki!
[ Grunting ]
The myth! That old Chinese
myth you told me about.
[ Roy ]
Back off, Ben!
[ Kitten ] Stop it!
I saved your life.
I saved your life, Roy.
Now give me his.
[ Rikki ]
Will you let go of me,
please? Thank you.
This doesn't end here,
all right?
I'm a federal agent,
and I'm arresting his ass
for statutory rape!
Come on.
We're going home.
No! Dad!
Okay, stop.
No hitting.
Fuck you, Ben! This is
all your fault anyway!
If I tell you
the "truth or dare" answer,
would you leave...
for your dad?
Hey, Ben.
[ Coughs ]
I got her number, though.
That's good, Rikki.
I got her phone number.
What was the truth you told her
to get her to leave?
Uh, I told her I wish it
had been me instead of you
that got to be with her.
I'm sorry, man.
It's just-- I hadn't been laid
in over a year, you know?
Stuff like this doesn't happen
to guys like me every day.
Ah, don't worry about it.
Nobody's dead... yet.
I'm such a complete loser.
I said don't sweat it.
You know, things never
went Kevin's way either.
But he meant well.
That's what counts, Rikki.
Who shot him?
I don't know.
Jin Sun.
I told you if I caught you
back in Chinatown again,
I'd mail you back to Gregory
one piece at a time.
Who does Gregory think he is?
I had an agreement
with that guy.
Chinatown's mine.
What can I say, Jin Sun?
You got me by the balls here.
I'm just doing
what Gregory tells me to do.
So let me get this straight.
You get that statue
out of the bank vault at 4:30,
but Gregory doesn't
expect you until 5:00.
Let me tell you
what I'm gonna do for you,
McGewan, because I like you.
I'm gonna let you
finish your little gig
in my neighborhood tonight,
but you cut me in on the deal.
That's fine by me, but
Gregory's not gonna go for it.
I'm pretty sure Gregory
won't have much of a choice
if I have the statue, will he?
I guess we have a deal.
I'll see you 4:30 a.m., Benji.
[ Speaking Chinese ]
Hey, thank you
for saving us back there.
No problem. Anything
for a Theta brother.
You realize you're an accessory
to a pretty major felony, right?
- That's cool.
- Just checking.
Okay, Jeffrey, we are
way the hell behind schedule,
so let's make time.
You know
which vaults, right?
[ Laughs ]
Yeah, of course.
[ Humming ]
[ Vanessa ]
Ben? Are you down here?
Hey! Would you like
to go for a drink?
Yeah. I thought
you'd never ask.
What are you doing
in here?
Try to shove my head
in a toilet again, asshole.
You look upset.
Gee, you think?
You know,
you worry too much.
If you'd just relax
a little bit,
things would come
to you.
Can I ask you a question?
I've been trying to get your
attention for like a year now,
and other than that night
that you threw rocks and shit
at my car,
you haven't shown me
the least bit of interest.
Why tonight?
Out of all the nights
on the Christian calendar,
why tonight?
I don't know.
There's just something
about you tonight that's
kind of cute.
I mean--
You know what?
I hate you.
[ Laughing ]
I hate you.
I hate women like you.
I hate women
that look like you.
I hate mannequins that wear
clothes that look like clothes
that you might wear.
I hate your perfume
and everyone that wears it.
I hate your friends
because they get to be near you.
But most of all,
I hate your bed.
Because every night
I know that's right where
I will never be.
PBS, last Tuesday night.
The Australian Outback.
There was this bird
called the Orindinkie.
You've heard about
the black widow spiders eating
their lovers after they mate?
It's got nothing
on the Orindinkie.
You see, just after mating,
the male chills out,
takes a nap.
That's when the female comes up,
rips open its chest...
and eats its heart.
Scientists think
she does this to insure
that he never mates again,
giving her offspring
a better chance at life.
Me? I got my own theory.
I think it's because
she's just a bitch.
So fuck you!
[ Scoffs ]
Fuck you!
[ Moaning, Laughing ]
Oh, yeah!
[ Grunting ]
[ Grunting Continues ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Moaning Continues ]
It's empty.
It's empty!
[ Door Slams ]
[ Jake ]
No, Jeffrey,
don't you do it. Don't--
Put the fish back!
No, no, no!
Put it down, Jeffrey!
Put it down!
Drop it!
[ Screams ]
[ Jake ]
- [ Groans ]
- [ Gasping ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Jake Groaning ]
You dick!
Ben? Hey, uh, uh--
Look, Ben, you got
a major problem, man.
The vault's empty.
Ow! Ow!
I didn't even come yet,
you asshole!
Is he dead?
I don't think so.
If you look real close,
you can see the little fucker
twitch every couple of seconds.
[ Ben ]
What about the second vault?
[ Betty ] He never got that far.
When he got to the vault where
the statue was supposed to be
and it was empty,
he lost his shit.
He was fine until he
pulled that fish out.
Second vault? I thought
you guys were stealing
a statue or something.
- We are.
- So the statue's in two safes?
No. The statue's in one vault.
The other vault has--
Wait a second. Why am I
explaining this to you?
I don't know.
Okay, think.
[ Yells ]
The statue's gotta be in here!
Betty, jump the system,
find out where they put it.
Look, I appreciate your help,
but I'm giving you your out now.
Maybe you should
get back to work.
The shit's
about to hit the fan.
No way, man.
Besides, they're closing
in a few minutes, anyways.
What do you mean, closing?
It's a 24-hour restaurant.
Spray for bugs!
You sent me to a restaurant
that needs to close down
to spray for fuckin' bugs!
Do you know how I feel
about being this close
to the scene?
It makes me very
fucking uncomfortable!
Mr. Gregory, you didn't
have to come here.
I have things under control.
Why don't I bring it
to your office tomorrow morning?
You said yourself you've waited
10 years for this thing.
You can wait another night.
[ Grunts, Groans ]
I trust you just enough
to break into this bank
and get the statue for me.
I do not trust you to put
the statue in your car
and drive it to my office.
Do I make myself clear?
[ Grunts ]
Yeah. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry! Look,
if you're uncomfortable,
why don't you go
someplace nearby?
You know perfectly well
there's not another place
to wait in Chinatown.
You knew that place was
shutting down, didn't you?
I know you,
you little shit!
[ Groans, Panting ]
Okay. This office is yours.
I'll bring it to you
once I get it.
You cross me,
and you will wish you
were dead, McGewan.
[ Ben ]
Don't you get it, Rikki?
It's over.
We're not gonna get
the statue.
Gregory's gonna kill me.
And after he kills me,
Jin Sun's gonna bring me back
to life so he can kill me too.
It's over.
So you're quitting?
That's bullshit, Ben!
It's total bullshit, man!
A couple of months ago,
I was at your place.
I wanted to watch
the Hustler Channel,
but you made me sit there...
and watch some
shit fuckin' nature special
you had on, remember?
[ Lighter Striking ]
About a bunch of gazelle
or something, right?
It was some country I never
heard of. Probably Africa.
Oh, my God, Rikki,
I'm gonna die.
Yeah, I know, okay!
Just don't interrupt me anymore.
I'll forget where I was going.
Anyway, the narrator
was this English guy,
and he had a stick
so far up his ass, he could
probably taste pine, you know?
He talked a lot of shit,
most of which I forgot before
he was even done talking.
I mean, who knew
there was so much crap to talk
about fucking gazelle, right?
Who actually gives a shit?
Are you making a point here?
Yes! You see,
lions... eat gazelle.
And the gazelles
fucking hate that shit.
This narrator guy was saying
that one day on the shoot...
that a lion snuck up
on the cameraman, right?
This camera guy,
he was like a native.
He'd been doing this shit
all his life.
The narrator said that
there's one sure way to stop
a lion from attacking you.
Don't turn and run.
See, that's
what the gazelles do.
It doesn't work for them,
and they get eaten anyway.
But this camera guy,
he knew what to do.
Fucking charged that lion.
Just ran at that lion,
stark-raving mad,
screaming and shit, right?
Just charges the fucking lion.
And you know what?
The lion turned and ran.
I don't know.
[ Chuckles ]
You went into the kitchen,
and I turned it
to the Hustler Channel.
There was this special on it
called "Beaver Boat."
Just like any other
fishing show, you know.
But not exactly.
Instead of two fat guys fishing,
it was these two naked babes.
[ Door Slams ]
You'll never believe
what they used for bait, Ben.
Turns out something was wrong
with the air-conditioning
in the statue's first safe.
The statue's so old, they
need to keep it at 60 degrees
so it doesn't deteriorate.
So they moved it down here
to a subbasement.
Controlled environment safes.
It's in safe B-2-63-54.
You can get to the subbasement
through this electrical conduit
in the floor here.
[ Sighs ]
We've got 20 minutes
to make everything happen.
Two safes to crack,
no safecracker.
We could blow 'em open.
That's risky.
If you pop the vault doors off,
you could set off the alarms.
No choice.
We're out of options.
How much grease
you got left, Jake?
Two finger coils...
for emergencies.
I'd say this
just about counts.
What size doors
are we talking about here?
Like wall safes. One foot
by one foot each, maybe.
And you gotta pop
a hole in the floor
to get to the subbasement.
I guess it'll
do the trick.
Who goes?
Jeffrey's fucked.
One of us.
[ Jake ]
I'll go. I know
the explosives.
[ Betty ]
Guess again.
You're too heavy.
Jeffrey only had that cord
set for 350 pounds.
[ Jake ]
You go, then.
[ Betty ] Someone's
gotta track the alarms.
I stay with my laptop, pal.
[ Scott ]
I can do it.
No offense, but when
this makes the books...
as the most fucked-up
bank job in history...
for all the mistakes
that I did make,
I don't want to be credited
with sending the Chou-Wang
food guy to blow the safe.
Ben, what do you weigh?
Uh, just 10 more minutes,
I promise.
Ben's just, um--
He's just getting
the statue ready for you.
He's cleaning it up
a-and stuff, you know.
Where the hell is Ben, and
what the hell is all this shit
about some safe being empty?
Look, bitch,
I don't know who you are
or what you're cranked up on,
but you better
get outta here right now.
Blow me, Rikki.
Tell Ben to fuck off too!
[ Door Slams ]
That's... drugs.
She's probably
on some hard drugs.
All the hard drugs...
that kids are doing
these days at these parties--
All right.
That's enough.
Hold him down.
Which is the way down, Betty?
Shit. Under Jeffrey.
Fuck me.
[ Jeffrey Groans ]
[ Man On Radio ]
Michael, check out the southeast
door. That could be our guy.
We're on.
[ Grunts ]
I'm gonna ask this once.
That's all.
If you don't tell me
what Ben is up to right now,
you're going to find out
exactly what happened
to Ben's brother Kevin.
And then I'm going to find Ben
and do the same thing to him.
We broke into the safe
that we thought the statue
was in, but it's not there.
It's in another one, and Ben's
gonna bring it to you right now.
You expect me
to believe that?
It's true! I swear to God!
I don't know anything else!
I don't believe you.
going on around here,
and you know what it is.
No, there isn't.
Nothing's goin' on, I swear.
Okay. I'll tell you.
Just let me up.
I can't breathe.
Will you let me up? I can't--
Ever had your fortune
told, asshole?
Time to go?
Yeah, it's time.
You don't have the balls.
For Kevin, I do.
[ Clicks ]
[ Gasps ]
Oh, shit.
[ Grunting ]
Freeze! F.B.I.!
Up against the wall,
Fortune Fish.
Oh, shut up!
Wait. Not yet.
I want Benjamin
to see this.
Jin Sun,
that little bitch.
I knew something was up.
Come on.
- What the fuck?
- Up against it, I said!
All right, you're under arrest,
you piece of shit.
[ Goon Speaking Chinese ]
This is fucked up!
There's more
than one vault open.
[ Jin Sun ] I know.
[ Goon ]
It's all fucked up, man!
He's taking us for a ride.
[ Jin Sun ]
Would you shut up
and let me think?
What the fuck
is going on here?
- You tell me, prick.
- You barbarian shitbag.
You think you can just
shoot my guy, steal my property
and get away with it?
Who the fuck
do you think you are?
You talk big for someone
who's operating in my backyard!
- You put your fucking gun down.
- You put
fucking gun down.
- [ All Shouting ]
- You put your fucking gun down!
Fuck you!
- [ Shouting Continues ]
- Right now!
Who the fuck do you
think you're talking to?
I'm not gonna
fucking repeat myself!
- Bring it!
- [ Shouting Continues ]
[ Crowd Screams ]
Put your fucking gun down,
you fucking fairy!
Let's go!
[ Shouting Continues ]
[ Alarm Ringing ]
Come on!
Drop your fuckin' gun!
[ Shouting Continues ]
[ Girl Singing ]
What's going on, Gregory?
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
Where the hell
is that coming from?
Down there.
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ Betty ]
Come on!
Come on!
Let's go, guys!
Come on.
Come on, Rikki.
Ben! Listen, you peep!
First of all, don't ever
walk out on me like that again!
Second of all--
Who the fuck are you?
[ Camera Shutter Clicking ]
Okay, first...
I'd like you
to tell us what the hell
this piece of crap is.
Chu Jung, the Chinese god
of fire and revenge.
[ Roy ]
Okay, Gregory, thanks
for the mythology lesson.
But that really
only explains one safe,
and we got
a couple empty safes here.
Where's the money
that was in that fucking safe?
What money?
Hey, where'd we get
all this money?
From Gregory's
personal vault.
Oh, that's what you were
stealing from the second safe.
What second safe?
Wait. Rikki didn't know
about the money safe?
Sorry I had to keep it
from you, Rikki.
I just figured you had
enough on your mind.
Besides, if Gregory
wanted to know what I was doing,
I figured he'd find out from you
and sometimes it's just better
not to know.
[ Rikki ]
That's all right.
Whoa, whoa, hold on.
Why'd you fuck Gregory
like that, though, Ben?
Because he killed Kevin.
I thought you didn't know
who killed him.
So did Gregory.
Big mistake.
What did you do
with the fucking cash?
Cash? Me? What are you
talking about?
There was $2 million
in there!
Kiss my ass!
Look! I don't know
what the fuck's going on here,
but I do know that you two guys
are in a bank vault,
there's a hole in the wall,
safes are blown, shit's missing.
You gotta trust me
on this one, guys.
You're gonna go down.
Now get 'em outta here.
[ Ben Narrating ]
Wanna hear something great?
That was Gregory's laundered
money we took from the safe,
kept there under an alias.
[ Laughs ]
The fucker got arrested
for stealing from himself.
Couldn't do anything about it.
The feds have been trying
to nail him for a long time,
and this is just
what they were waiting for.
Twenty years in Leavenworth,
suckin' dick for cigarettes.
And Jin Sun?
He was just in the wrong place
at the wrong time,
and the feds
tagged him too.
Gregory still blames him
for everything.
You know, Jin Sun
would have walked away clean
if he hadn't tried to fuck me.
[ Speaking Chinese ]
The night turned out to be
a pretty good night after all.
One of those memories that's
better after the fact than
when it's actually happening.
I mean, I got the money,
I got revenge...
and nobody got killed.
Hell, Rikki even got laid.
As a matter of fact,
I got everything I wanted.
Even the girl.
Okay, maybe not the girl.
But everything else.