Stars and Bars (1988) Movie Script

Yo, man. What are you doing?
Who do you think you are?
Errol Flynn?
I'm sorry. It's just not my day.
- I killed you forty-three times.
- Forty-three, God.
Yes, concentrate. Concentrate.
Can I ask you something,
Mr. Dores?
How long you been in the States?
Two months now.
You don't miss England now?
Well, yes. But I'm sort of
stuck there, you see.
I wasn't ever going to change.
I want a change, Eugene.
And you figure, like,
living here is going to do that for you?
Why, I hope so, yes.
America, you see, is big,
different, unpredictable.
Well, the way I figure it...
It's all the same everywhere. Dishing
the shit, that's what it's all about.
Dishing the shit.
Some of the time, I suppose.
But not all of the time, surely.
Is that what you really think?
- Yes, I mean, I love it here.
- Well...
That don't mean the place is
gonna love you back.
I don't drink coffee I take
tea my dear
I like my toast done on one
And you can hear it in my
accent when I talk
I'm an Englishman in New York
See me walking down Fifth
A walking cane here at my side
I take it everywhere I walk
I'm an Englishman in New York
I'm an alien
I'm a legal alien, I'm an
Englishman in New York
I'm an alien, I'm a legal
I'm an Englishman in New York
If, "manners maketh man" as
someone said
Then he's the hero of the day
It takes a man to suffer
ignorance and smile
Be yourself no matter what
they say
I'm an alien, I'm a legal
I'm an Englishman in New York
I'm an alien, I'm a legal
I'm an Englishman in New York
Modesty, propriety
can lead to notoriety
You could end up as the only
Gentleness, sobriety
are rare in this society
At night a candle's brighter
than the sun
Taxi! Asshole!
What do you want?
Hey, man. Hey, listen,
listen, listen.
- The universe is a free life.
- Excuse me.
And charming people have
something to hide.
What if I give you
two thousand dollars?
Any advances on two
thousand dollars?
- Yes, madame.
- One thousand dollars.
God. That's oil, Henderson.
I'm going to have to charge you.
This happens to be a 400
dollar suit, you know.
- Sorry.
- How else am I going to clean my suit?
Listen Henderson, we really
have to talk.
About what? Yesterday.
I was coming out of the elevator, you were
going into your office. And I said, "Hi
there Henderson," and you said, "Hello."
What's wrong with that? Hello?
There you go again. Ello, ello. That's
no way to treat a colleague, Henderson.
That's the way I talk, for
God's sake.
No, no. You don't
get away with that.
That's right. Half past eleven.
Bye bye. Hello, baby.
- Melissa, darling, I've been thinking...
- Honey.
Listen, Daddy's got the
most incredible job for you.
It's all fixed. Very big.
Un petit moment. Here we go.
You two get the hell out of here.
There he is.
- I'm going to leave my two men alone to talk business.
- Come in, Henderson.
- Pruitt.
- Edgar.
Would you please leave me and
Henderson alone?
Yes, I understand.
Excuse me, Edgar.
1908, that's my century.
Yeah, 1908. It's an
important Renoir.
Last seen in Paris in 1933. No
one knows where it is today.
How much do you think it's
Who knows? The sky's the limit..
I would say ten million.
Ten million.
We could be talking...
A million bucks clear for us.
- I don't understand.
- Yesterday I got this slide. The man wants to sell.
He wants us to...
He wants us to sell it for him.
Now I want you to go down there and get
this beauty before he changes his mind.
Down where?
The south.
A place called...
Luxora Beach.
This guy's being a bit
This is right.
You're the expert.
You're the only man for the job.
I'm counting on you, Henderson.
You're counting on you.
I-I don't know what to say.
You can rely on me, Edgar.
I'll give it my best shot.
You're damn right you will.
I'm not the hat check girl.
I'm frightfully sorry.
- Bloody hell, Pruitt.
- You've been avoiding me, Henderson.
That picture.
- You know the 20th century belongs to me.
- Not the impressionists.
- No, you don't get off so easy.
- I'm sorry, Pruitt. Edgar is
- the boss.
- I am on to you, Henderson.
You come over here and...
why do you hate me, Henderson?
What did I do to you? I can feel the
aggression coming off you like a wave.
- Pruitt.
- Okay, it's kind of silly...
- I'm sorry, but I can't handle this...
- That's a great mustache.
- English bastard.
- Doesn't take fifty units.
The whole thing is off.
No, fifty, Richard.
Could you pour me a glass
of wine, please?
No, final offer. Goodbye.
I'm not the bar man.
You in the art world?
No, I sell computers.
You mean boring. What's your
Dores. Henderson Dores.
- Yes, that's right.
- I'm Irene Stein. Steen, not Stine.
Irene Stein. Computers.
Thanks very much.
I think it's extremely bad.
Really, very bad indeed.
Henderson, I'd like
you to meet my brother.
- Hello.
- The artist.
Look, I must tell you again
how sorry I am.
- It was terribly rash.
- Relax. I think they stink, too.
Hi there. James.
This is Miss... Miss Stein.
Nice to meet you, sir. As I was saying
my name is James and I'll be your waiter.
I'll be right back with your menus.
I hope you have a nice meal.
You know...
I don't know what took me so
long to do it. James?
Can we have another bottle
of this, please?
I mean, if there's one thing
that I can't stand, it's having a boss.
Don't you find that?
- Yes...
- I mean, I have more responsibilities.
More debts. More hassles.
But I feel great.
You know why?
Because I feel free as a bird.
I feel free like birds.
I feel free. I feel free.
Can you imagine that?
Yes, God, absolutely.
Are you, you know, married
or anything?
Twice. And I'm not really your
anything at the moment.
Twice. Goodness.
No, no I'm not.
Want me perhaps to...
Well, press on.
You're not gay, are you?
What, me? Good Lord, no. Why?
Well, are you seeing anyone?
Well, last year in...
London, I met this person. A woman.
An American woman. And...
Well, we were... That was one of the
reasons I came over here, in fact.
- I see.
- But since then...
I have to blow my nose.
Irene, I think perhaps we
should, go for a taxi.
Take it, you bastards!
- Get off, get off me!
- Settle down, please. Calm down.
Calm down, please. It's
alright, sir.
You dropped some money back
Take it easy, man.
It was meant to be a sort
of diversionary tactic.
I got it. You throw me in the garbage
and they think I've already been mugged.
Yeah, well, not exactly.
It was meant to be more,
sort of...
Lure. Lure them away while
you beat a hasty retreat.
Yes, I have.
Why don't you bring it to my office at
lunch time? We can have something to eat.
Bye Louie, see you tomorrow.
Let's eat these outside.
My place is right around the corner.
Neither have I.
You know, they've booked me this
huge suite in a hotel in Atlanta.
- Just in case. But I'm not exactly sure where I'll be.
- I see.
See you when you get back.
Yes, please.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
I'm terribly sorry, I'm so late.
Couldn't get away from the
office. Someone...
I'm terribly sorry, Mellisa.
I couldn't find the bloody...
You never returned my phone
Mom, I can't find those
god damned glasses.
In the usual place, Young lady.
School's out,
she's driving me mad.
Gervaise! Are you alright?
Big, clumsy man.
Did he hurt Gervaise?
I didn't hurt him.
Pooty say sorry.
Don't be a bad boy. Gervaise
has feelings, too.
- Say sorry.
- Sorry.
Gervaise... Hello Bryant.
Bryant's birthday. Henderson,
you didn't forget?
Forget? No, of course I didn't
Happy birthday, Bryant.
What is it now, 15
No, 15.
- Great age to be.
- Missy. Only five a day.
For God's sake.
Gervaise! No, no. Mustn't do
that to Hendy.
Crikes. Monstrosity.
Time for bed, anyway. Come
with Mommy, naughty boy.
About my birthday.
If there was something I really wanted
and you could give it to me, you would.
Wouldn't you?
Up to a point.
Well, I was wondering...
Let me come tomorrow with you
on your trip.
Grandpa Beeby told me all about it.
Let me come, I'm going crazy in here.
- I've got to get out.
- No, Bryant.
Please? I'll do everything you say.
And mom won't care if I'm with you...
No, Bryant, I'm sorry.
It's impossible.
Okay. I guess it doesn't matter.
But don't tell my mom I asked,
okay? Thanks.
What have you two been plotting?
I'll tell you later.
Eastern Airlines Flight 107,
non-stop service to Atlanta,
now boarding at gate number 15.
- Dear God, you are the sweetest, most thoughtful man.
- All ready!
I had no idea that's what the
two of you were plotting.
Daddy is delighted. Truly.
- Now you behave yourself, darling.
- Sure, mom.
Thank you, darling. Bless you.
You two should go check in. I've got to
run. Love you both, have a great time.
Lots of fun! Bye bye!
Grandpa was so pleased. Great
idea, he said.
You've got a bloody
nerve, broad.
I think we're almost there.
Thank God.
Great beach.
Loserville, man.
I don't know.
- You've got the bloody map.
- I'm sorry!
Can I park here?
Who in the hell are all y'all?
Mr. Gage...
We had a meeting arranged?
The picture?
I'm from Mulholland.
Holy shit, Mr. Mulholland.
I'll be...
I thought you was coming
Well, that's alright. Y'all
come in.
Two minutes, son.
Please, Mr. Mulholland. Y'all
come right inside.
Turn that god damned music down!
That's my youngest, Duane.
That's my other son Beckman outside
and this here's my oldest, Freeborn.
Freeborn, this here's Mr. and
Ms. Mulholland from New York.
Don't move, don't move.
It's Dores, actually. Henderson Dores.
This is Bryant Wacks, the
daughter of a friend.
That's to say a close friend.
Dores, Mulholland, who
gives a rat's rump?
I'm sorry to say I've got to leave
you good people for a business matter.
Alma-May... Alma-May!
Will show you to your rooms and Freeborn here
will get you any refreshments you desire.
What'll it be, Mr. Dores?
Thank you..
A sandwich would be very
A cup of tea, perhaps.
- That's nice. I like that. Anything for you, honey?
- No, thank you.
Mr. Dores here would like a sandwich
and a cup of tea. What kind of sandwich?
I can't tell you how pleased...
No way. Gage mansion is
a no-meat zone.
In that case then...
- Cheese, perhaps.
- I'll make you a sandwich.
I'll make you a martini.
But I ain't making no beds.
- About the picture...
- Plenty of time for that, son.
Duane, get down here.
Excuse me, sir?
Am I right in thinking that you came from
New York to see about my daddy's painting?
- Yes, that's right.
- Could I have a word with you outside? Won't take a second.
I think that before you do anything I should
inform you of a certain matter pertaining
to your business here.
If you don't get your fucking
English ass out of here before
noon tomorrow I'm going to bust
your fucking English head with it.
That's my picture, you hear?
- Bye now.
- Mr. Gage...
Excuse me. I was wondering would
it be at all possible for me to
use the telephone? I need to use
it to make a call to the office.
No, I can't help you there, son.
No, I won't allow a telephone
in my house.
I see.
Now Freeborn's got one in his trailer over
there and I'm sure he'll let you use it
anytime you want.
No, no. It's not that important.
I think it can wait.
Well, whatever. You make yourself at home.
I'll see you later. Now, bye bye.
Settle down, settle down, son.
Let's go.
Jesus Christ.
Is anybody there?
- I hate you! Get out of here, I don't care.
- You fat bitch!
Don't you come back in here!
I hate you! Get out of here.
- Get out of here, Freeborn Gage.
- I will!
Not comin' back no more.
Don't you leave me!
Get back here! Don't leave me
god damn it!
God damn it!
I'm terribly sorry to trouble
I wonder if it's not too much
of an imposition could you...
possibly do me the favor of
letting me use your telephone?
Say again?
Hey are you the man from
New York?
- Sure, no problem. Come on in.
- Thank you.
I'm Shanda Gage.
Freeborn's wife.
Henderson Dores. Pleased
to meet you.
I'm sorry about all these packages
and stuff. It's Freeborn's business.
Medical supplies,
you know, bandages, lancets,
mouthwash, those things to
stick up your ass.
Fascinating line of work.
You know, I'm trying but
sometimes what you say sounds...
You got such a peculiar accent. I guess
I'll just have to listen real hard.
One of the most provocative discoveries
that the art world has seen this century.
It's Henderson.
Our value-er.
Listen Edgar, I'm a little
bit worried.
- Something seems to have cropped up.
- Excellent.
Couldn't be more delighted.
The old man's son is behaving
rather strangely.
I think there may be some
problems with the painting.
Wonderful news!
That's what I like to hear.
This maniac is threatening to kill
me if I don't leave by noon tomorrow.
Excellent idea!
Call me in 24 hours.
That seems to be that.
- I must leave.
- My pleasure.
Feel free to use the phone
It's nice to talk some, haha.
Usually ain't no one here to
talk to except that...
Cora and you can't talk to her.
Freeborn's sister.
Thanks again, Shanda.
Bye for now.
Yeah. Mr. Dores, you got a flat.
Don't worry, Duane said he'd
fix it for you.
Good. Bye.
My God, where did you get those?
For heaven's sake, Bryant.
Ever heard of knocking?
Where have you been all day?
I've been with Duane listening
to his records.
None of the plugs work in
my room.
It's fine, more or less. Why?
It's just that Duane told me
the painting was already sold.
Well, that's rubbish, I think.
Mr. Gage would have told
me that.
Mr. Gage didn't sell it.
Freeborn did.
You sick or something?
No Bryant, I'm not sick.
I just have a bit of trouble
getting to sleep, that's all.
Just whistle if you want me.
You know how to whistle, don't
You just put your lips together
- and blow.
- Yeah and try to wear something, you know,
presentable, please, Bryant.
Yes, Daddy.
I think there's a long-
distance call.
Hello Irene?
Irene? My God, how did you
get this number?
It wasn't so hard. I called
your office,
told them I had a Matisse to sell, and
I would only deal with Henderson Dores.
It's a bit complicated, but...
Listen, I was just thinking.
Why don't I come down and see
you when you're finished?
We can spend the weekend together,
driving around. What do you say?
Well, very good, yes.
Amazing idea.
Okay, I can get there on
Saturday evening.
Now what's the name of the
hotel you're staying in?
It's Monopark 5000.
Listen Irene, I can't talk right now.
I'll leave all the details at this number.
Call again tomorrow.
Yes, call again tomorrow.
Bye Irene, see you on
Saturday. Bye.
Hello again, must dash.
That's my phone!
You keep your chicken shit
English fingers off it.
Sanda, did you let him use
the phone?
I say, do help yourself
to a jolly old drink.
Haha, hello.
I didn't see you there.
I've got one, thanks.
It's a pleasant evening. Very...
Clement weather, all in all.
- You're English.
- Yes, that's right.
Lovely, balmy sort of...
Mildly tropical climate.
I have an illogical but profound
dislike for the English.
- I assumed you were joking.
- I never joke about the English.
You wanna know why I hate the
English so much?
I didn't expect you to be so
haught, funnily enough.
I think of all the reasons...
it has to do with that air of superiority
you give off when you open up your mouth.
That sort of sneering contempt
for the rest of the world.
And yet, when the world doesn't
treat you as number one,
you seem genuinely surprised. And yet you
assume everyone wants to ape the English way.
Ape your style,
ape your mannerisms,
ape your attitude,
ape your values.
Sad, misguided, pathetic.
You too, asshole.
Still, I enjoyed the show.
- Well, the ape was real good.
- Hi, baby.
Hi, Daddy.
Henderson havin' a pleasant
day courting after you people?
We been having a simply
fascinating conversation.
This way, my dear.
Mr. Henderson Dores, London,
England, I'd like you to meet
Reverend T.J. Cardew and his
wife, Monica.
- Nice to meet you.
- Reverend's our preacher here in Luxora Beach.
Yes, a pleasure indeed to meet
you, Mr. Dores.
Just call me T.J.
Well, let's everyone have a seat,
have a drink, something to eat.
How y'all doing?
You still here, dickhead?
This is exciting.
Now, is this your first
trip to America?
That's right. Here, help
I had one but alright, I'll
have another one.
Thank you, honey.
Anybody want a drink?
I'm getting one.
- Diet Coke, please.
- Diet Coke.
Seven-Seven, honey.
Nothing for me, thank you,
- Seven-Seven, honey.
- I heard you.
- Beautiful dress, Monica.
- Thank you.
It's for special occasions.
Is that your wife, Mr. Dores?
What an attractive young lady.
I don't believe I've had the
pleasure of an introduction.
Bryant. This is the,
this is the Reverend B.P.
Cardew from Luxora Beach.
My pleasure, indeed. Now you
just call me T.J. you hear?
- Excuse me.
- You look like Elvis Presley.
Lots of people tell me that.
Thank you.
Hi Henderson. You want a
drink? I can get you it.
I was wondering if you get a call from
a Stein, could you pass this on for me?
- Sure, no problem.
- A certain amount of discretion would be greatly
My brother Ralph's oldest, Sheridan,
is a Baptist missionary down in Peru.
Praise God.
Why don't we go take a look
at that picture before dinner?
If y'all would excuse us.
We'll be right back.
It ain't for sale!
Now right here.
Close your eyes. Don't peek.
Nice, ain't she?
- Do you mind if I...
- No, go ahead.
That's right. It's genuine.
Course it is.
Think you can sell it for me?
How much?
We set the reserve price
at eight million.
Eight million?
Cost me 500 dollars in
Paris, France.
In 1946, haha.
Friend of mine told me
to buy it.
More money than I knew what to
do with in those days. Yeah.
I'll miss her.
Always made me happy looking
at this lovely lady.
You a happy man, Mr. Henderson?
Well, yes. I have my off days,
I suppose I am.
We all want to be happy,
don't we?
- That's true.
- And we're all gonna die.
Yup, that's what unites us, son.
Every swinging dick.
As we used to say in the US
Army, haha.
Hell, might as well be happy.
'Cause you never know when it's coming.
- Absolutely.
- Well.
I think we might just have
ourselves a deal.
Mr. Gage, your son, Freeborn.
He seems to be slightly...
Don't you worry none about
- Great, wonderful.
- Let's eat.
You ever eaten rat?
I don't want to put you
off on your meal, but...
Tell me, Mr. Gage, why
are you a vegetarian?
Is it for humanitarian or
religious reasons?
Hell, I love meat. Alma-May's the one
that turned vegetarian two years ago.
That's right. I ain't cooking
meat for nobody.
Tell me, Mr. Henderson.
Do you know Upper Heyford, England?
- I spent some time there.
- Vaguely. It's an air base, I believe.
Yes, where we got our missiles.
What you Britishers got
against our bombs and missiles?
Well, the the...
Hey, shut the fuck up! Turn
that noise off.
Don't know shit from
shinola, that boy.
Henderson, my maiden name
is McNabb. McNabb...
Yes, that's absolutely right,
- I told you it was a Scotch name.
- Shut up.
What you saying about our
Well, essentially, I think it's a
matter of whose finger is on the...
You got yours, we got ours.
- So lay off.
- Freeborn.
You want some more?
How come you ain't eating?
- You don't like my cooking or something?
- It's quite delicious.
That's turnip greens, that's
root, and that's hop n' jump.
I think I've got everything,
thanks very much.
Mr. Gage, this man won't eat.
Mr. Henderson, Alma-May won't clear the
table until everyone cleans their plate.
- Dig in.
- Are you enjoying your stay at Luxora Beach, Mr. Dore?
Thank you, yes.
Indeed, it certainly is...
- It's very...
- Mr. Dores is amusing himself.
Mr. Dores?
- Yes, no. It's extremely interesting.
- Interesting...
We find you interesting, too,
Mr. Dores.
Would you like some more
cole slaw?
Fuel for the fire?
You are a wild man, Mr. Gage.
Is England the same place
as Scotland, or what?
Let me help you out with
some of those turnip greens.
Sit down.
Everytime I see turnip greens
I think of a sick dog's dump.
Mama, did I get any on me?
I don't care who started this!
Both of you are gonna go outside
if you don't settle down, you
hear me?
Yes sir, daddy.
We're trying to have
dinner here.
Where does Ireland fit in,
is what I want to know?
Yes, Ireland is a separate
country, actually. It's an island.
We have a truly delightful
church down in Luxora Beach.
And I... I...
I'd love if you and your
delightful wife could possibly
be so kind as to...
Maybe join us, next Sunday.
If you'd be so kind as to...
come down there, perhaps we
could have you read the...
the lesson...
Reverend, jeeze, you all right?
Thank God for church
where nobody's crying
if you've ever
looked up at
a sky
all blue
and you've seen a picture
Henderson! What you drinking?
- Give him a beer.
- No thanks. Thank you.
No, I wanted to make a
phone call if that's...
Get him a phone, Ray?
This one is on me.
Thanks very much, indeed.
Any chance of a glass?
Is Edgar ever mad at you,
Henderson. There's steam
coming out of his ears.
Where's Edgar?
What am I talking about? Your epic
foul up is what I'm talking about.
Public enemy number one,
What the hell is this?
Edgar. It's Henderson Dores.
Dores, you English clown. What the hell is
going on down there? What's the problem with
the picture? Doesn't anybody
answer a phone down there?
Edgar, we have it.
The picture. We have the
I've got to see him later on
today to tie everything up, but...
But, that's wonderful.
- Thank God.
- Yeah.
I've set the reserve at
8 million.
8 million!
My God!
Sale of the century.
You're a genius.
Henderson, you've done it, man.
Henderson, I love you.
Thanks very much.
So we call the fast track on
this hostile ville.
Half us dropped their bombs a mile short
and they fell right on top of our platoon.
Six killed, ten wounded.
I woke up four days later in a hospital...
not a scratch, just blinking like shit.
- I ain't stopped since.
- Good lord.
They done give me a Purple Heart
and sent me right back on in.
Well, that's barbaric.
And what is it that you do
now, exactly?
I'm what you call an
elementary particle physicist.
I got a lab in my handbag
back there.
I see.
So, how's it going?
Look, you do know that that picture's
already been sold, don't you?
Freeborn sold it...
to a couple of guys he knows.
Business associates.
Last year sometime.
Don't you tell him I told you.
He would kill me.
Gage residence.
Hello, I'm trying to contact
Mr. Henderson Dores.
Yeah, hi.
Yeah, he's...
He's been trying to get you.
He's got a message for you.
He has?
He booked a hotel for you
in Atlanta.
Will you hold on a second?
Stay right there. Don't go anywhere.
Hi, you there?
Monopark 5000, Atlanta...
Suite 35J, Saturday night. Okay?
Monopark 5000.
I'll see you later.
Hey, your colleague just called.
Did she?
I gave her the message
about the hotel and all.
Great, fantastic.
By the way, Shanda, have you any
idea what happened to my tires?
Duane took 'em.
He said that he needed to
get them matched up.
My goodness, are you all right?
Freeborn, what with all
these medical supplies?
It's just a little side line.
Henderson, go on, I ain't that heavy.
Come on, now.
Peter, is he balling her?
I believe you're right.
That's not good.
Let go, Shanda.
You punkered my wife!
She fell over for God sakes.
That was my baby you
were layin' on!
She was like a turtle on
its back.
A turtle.
You callin' Shanda
a turtle, dipshit!
Look what you did!
I think we've arrived
in the south.
She was on her back.
I couldn't just leave her there.
Learn English, you bloody
I'm gonna shove a shoe sharp
up your ass!
Eat shit. Come on, guys.
Bring us some beers
up to daddy's room, honey.
You're a baby dark horse,
Mr. Dores?
- How do you get on with Beckman?
- Fine.
He tells me all his
Vietnam stories.
You do realize he's
never been to Vietnam.
4-F, his eyes, a nervous
You see, things aren't always
what they seem, Mr. Dores.
My daddy wants to see you.
Those two men, have they
been here all afternoon?
- They're just finishing.
- You don't happen to know who they are?
They own a gallery in New York.
15 million, Mr. Gage.
I want that painting.
And people in hell want
ice water, Mr. Sereno.
I'll sleep on it.
It's a pleasure to
meet you, Mr. Dores.
Hope to be seeing more
of you later.
Likewise, I'm sure.
15 million!
15, that's madness.
I mean, it's crazy.
I know, Henderson,
but they say it's a serious offer. Cash.
Those men know as much about
art as I do suppositories.
- But I do need a new offer, Henderson.
- Damn!
I'm leaving tomorrow.
But I'll be back.
I'm only away for a night.
I have to consult a colleague in Atlanta.
I'm sure glad of that,
'cause I like you, Henderson.
You're kind of quiet and high-strung,
but I gotta say I like you.
And if anybody should have that
picture, it ought to be you.
Have you got family back home?
No, not really.
That's too bad.
Well, you just remember
what I told you, son.
We all want to be happy
and we're all going to die.
You got it.
A little early, honey, but
come on it.
Yes, of course. Nice to see
you again.
A fine woman, Henderson.
A fine woman.
I'll see you when you get back.
You can take my car.
Duane said he'll get yours fixed tomorrow.
- I'm really glad you're staying on a while.
- Bloody marvelous.
Thanks, Shanda.
That boy, he means well, but...
between you and me
and the fencepost,
I think he's a little weird.
You haven't seen Bryant by any chance?
I've been looking for her everywhere.
She left with Duane about
an hour ago.
This is a Monopark 5000
courtesy coach announcement
The coach of the tour of
Atlanta's most famous landmarks
will be leaving from the front
entrance at noon tomorrow.
Have a nice day.
Well, I just don't seem to see it.
Let me check the secret files.
- I'd suggest that you do that.
- Yes, sir.
Your key, sir.
And we have a message:
A Miss Stein called and will
be here a six.
Good. Will you tell her
I've checked in.
And could you have a bottle of
champagne sent up to my room.
Follow the path to the atrium and take
the scenic elevator to the 35th floor.
Scenic elevator, thanks.
I think I can manage.
Cocktail, sir?
It's happy hour in the Indian village.
- No. Thanks very much.
- You're welcome.
Care for a canoe, sir?
I would take out there myself, but
most guests prefer to do it themselves.
- All right, then.
- Just step on down.
Right here.
Nice and easy strokes
now there, sir.
Bam bam! I got him, Dad.
Not quite as easy as it looks.
- Watch out!
- Sorry.
Damn civilian.
That was funny, wasn't it?
He's in his room and
he's expecting you.
He is. Good.
Thank you very much.
Wacks for Mr. Henderson Dores.
Send the bags up later.
- No, no. I want it to be a surprise.
- Yes, ma'am.
That's nice.
Thank God.
Don Giovanni...
Hello. I won't be a moment.
You don't exactly make it
easy for a girl.
God, it's good to see you.
I had some trouble with
the lake. Bloody canoe.
We've had a bit of a
setback, actually.
Is that why you look so
run down?
It has become something
of a nightmare.
These so-called gallery
owners are after it.
I've been dreaming of this.
What's that noise?
The bloody whirlpool.
I can't seem to switch it off.
God, where'd you learn this?
It's amazing. I can actually feel your
eyeball throbbing under my tongue.
This is fun. Let's stay in
this hotel for a few days.
I have to get back to Luxora
Beach tomorrow to sort things out.
- No problem, I'll come with you.
- It's not like that.
Everything has become horribly confused.
Gage is being difficult.
His son, Freeborn, was
trying to kill me.
Now these two cartoon characters,
Sereno and Gint, has turned up.
Not to mention Bryant.
Just a girl, a child.
My boss's granddaughter.
That'll be the champagne.
I'll get it.
A mistake.
What's going on, Henderson?
- This is Henderson Dores's suite?
- Yes, it is.
Who are you?
I'm his fiance, Melissa Wacks.
He invited me down for the weekend.
My God.
Someone to see you.
Who the hell are you?
What do you want?
- Save it.
- I've never seen this woman before in my life.
I know this looks bad,
but it's not what it seems.
I can explain my...
Stop hitting me!
Listen Dores.
You're in trouble, big trouble.
And when I get through
talking to Daddy!
Good afternoon.
Irene, for God sake, open up.
I can explain everything.
I promise you, unlikely as it may
seem, there is an explanation.
Why did I think it would
be anything other than this?
I thought you were someone else.
Irene, please. You can't go.
I just want to talk to you.
Going up.
- Irene!
Don't do this to me, please.
40th floor.
45th floor. Going down.
Ground level. For your dining,
lounging and shopping pleasure.
Irene, wait!
Stop that woman!
She's seriously ill.
For God sakes, I'm innocent.
Turn that goddamn filthy
music down, boy!
I'm gonna go up there
and kick your ass, boy!
Goddamn rock and roll.
Marry him?
You're not serious?
My God, how can you marry
someone called Duane?
Fuck you anyway.
That's my picture now.
And I says it goes to
Sereno and Gint.
Those men ought to be locked up.
There is no call for
such comments, Mr. Dores.
You're fifteen, for God's sake.
Yeah, shut your ass,
English shitbird.
You only met him 3 days ago.
Could you talk without resorting
to constant profanities?
Eat shit, fuck wit.
Freeborn is the legitimate
heir, according to the will.
That painting is now
legally his.
Yeah, so shut your mouth.
I think I should warn you that
I intend to seek legal advice.
You mindless baboon!
Freeborn, for God's sake.
I gotta stop him.
Come on back here you guys.
For chrissake, we're gonna drop him.
Let's go.
My dear friends and God.
When the good Lord urged
us to love thy neighbor
I do not think he intended
us to take it literally.
But our friend Loomis Gage seemed to
have been an exception to that rule.
And on this sad,
sad day as we memorialize him,
may we pray and ask forgiveness
for his occasional indiscretions.
I bet my daddy would
have loved his funeral.
What's wrong?
Is it the painting?
Well, there's that. And...
I've just phoned the office
and I'm fired.
And the one person I
thought could...
you know...
Well, that's off too.
That's ironic.
It's something or other anyway.
I had so many hopes.
I don't really think
I'm cut out for this country.
I'm sorry.
Losing your hopes is worse
than losing your painting.
Yes. How could I forget?
Bryant has announced that she and
Duane are going to get married.
That's not funny.
You gotta do something.
Go on.
You're right.
I must do something.
And Henderson,
jolly good luck in all that.
So I'll give the wheel
a final spin.
After you give a letter you'll
have 5 seconds to solve it.
Vowels worth nothing and...
- Hi, Bryant.
- Hi.
He's out.
He said he had something
important to do before we left.
Fancy a cup of coffee?
- Okay. I'll get it.
- No, it's my pleasure.
You're a car enthusiast
in other words?
You like to go out late
at night and
just flip around roads
all by yourself?
It's fabulous on a summer
night with the top down.
I'm zonking out.
- Come say goodbye before you leave.
- Yeah, sure.
Sleep well.
You must be Dores, yeah?
Pleased to meet you.
What are you burning, Duane?
My daddy's picture.
God. Why?
Why, for God's sake? Why, why?
Right after I picked him up
and carried him back to
his room,
it was just the two of us.
He was all sorts of weasy
and gaspy,
and he said, "Duane,
after I'm gone",
"I want you to take that
picture off the wall,"
"and I want you to burn it."
"I want you to burn it
at night."
Yes, sir.
He said, "You tell Mr. Dores."
"He'll understand."
We all want to be happy
and we're all going to die.
Did Bryant happen to say
anything to you about
me and her, 'cause I sure would
like for us to have a talk.
Don't worry, Duane.
We'll talk tomorrow morning.
You stay here and...
make sure the fire burns
out properly.
Make sure the fire is burned
out before you go.
No, I won't move an inch,
sir. Don't worry.
- I can't thank you enough, Shanda.
- I'm going with you.
I can't stand that fat hog.
I hate that stinkin' trailer.
I'm going to New York City.
That's absolutely out
of the question.
It's my car, isn't it?
It's my car.
All right, Shanda.
Get in, quickly.
We're in New York.
Where am I going to stay?
Stay with Bryant and her mother.
It'll be very comfortable.
Yeah, you come stay with me.
Sure I will, honey.
Just as long as you like.
- Thank you very much.
- Henderson, will you marry me?
Yes, or course, Shanda.
845 Park Avenue.
Off you go.
Welcome home, Mr. Dores.
Come on. Move it.
Okay guys, take the rest
of the day off.
See you tomorrow.
Corporate art. Big, good art.
God almighty.
Covers a lot of wall.
Not too expensive.
Big, good art.
Okay, Mr. Dores.
Let's take a beating.
I said everything.
Yeah, we want total naked.
Hey, what's that for?
I'm gonna rip his nipples off.
- You said I could go first.
- I always go first.
Yeah, whose house was
he in? My house.
- It's our office.
- Enough.
Freeborn, you've got 5 minutes.
Give him your gun, Peter.
Peter, give him your gun.
You've got 10 seconds.
Where's the painting? Ten, nine...
You mean you don't know.
- Seven, six...
- Duane burned it.
You're lying. You bastard!
At night, I caught him at it.
Your father ordered him before he died.
Duane burned it
in front of the house.
Say that you're lying, Dores.
Phone home. Please, check it out.
I beg you.
That, that bean head!
Bean head, moron.
I'm gonna kill him!
We need time. We need time.
I gotta think.
Stay calm. Relax.
I know.
You could say that
you hid it in your office.
It's in your office. You hid it.
Yeah, that's right.
You hid it in your office.
That'll give us, what,
a couple hours.
- This has got nothing to do with me.
- Yes, it does.
We're in this together. You and me.
Those guys are gonna kill me.
They'll kill you too.
So play along.
I sorry, but I gotta do this.
Ben, Peter! Peter, Ben!
He says it's in his office.
- I'll go check it out.
- We'll all go check it out.
Leave him here.
Let him sweat a bit.
Paramount maxi pads.
My sponsors.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks very much. Good luck.
You still love America?
I couldn't go back to my apartment
in case they'd stake the place out.
Why didn't you call the cops?
If they saw the state I was in
they would've put me in jail.
I suppose I could call
the police now, though.
- Yeah.
- No need for that, Mr. Dores.
you've led us on quite a little
dance, haven't you?
But your office was
most helpful.
Blow him away, Ben. Waste him!
Still no painting, Mr. Dores.
It's burned!
Duane burned the bloody thing.
Give me the gun.
I'm gonna kill the son of a bitch!
Don't move an inch!
If you get my point.
I think we can take these guys.
Don't you, Mr. Dores?
Not bad, Mr. Dores. Not bad.
Ready for more, gentlemen.
What do you mean Duane
burned the painting?
I saw him doing it.
It's a boy. I gotta boy!
I'm a daddy.
I couldn't keep it
in myself any longer.
Thank you for all
sharing this with me.
Gee, I gotta go to the hospital.
I'll see you guys later.
Well, I guess we'll just have
to foreclose on Freeborn.
And you, one on one anytime.
Thanks, Eugene.
- Dishing the shit.
- There you go.
You ready for that coffee, now?
I have to find someone.
Hello, Irene. I'm back.
Please don't go.
I just want to be with you.
Well, what is it with you?
You come in...
What are you wearing?
You come in here and you think I'll
just say "Hi, Henderson, what's new?"
Hi, what can I get you?
Mr. Dores!
You stole my girl!
What did you do with Bryant?
Where is she?
Mr. Dores, come back!
- Henderson, who is this Bryant?
- Not important.
The universe is a free lunch.
Yes, I know. And charming
people have something to hide.
Mr. Dores!
Henderson, I don't believe this.
What the hell is going on?
It's a long story.
Equilibrium departs!
Mr. Dores, come back!
Yeah. Well explain
those dumb clothes.
My fencing outfit.
It helps me relax.
Ever tried a glass of wine?
Listen, just stick
with me, Irene.
This all makes perfect sense.
Mr. Dores!