Starsky & Hutch (2004) Movie Script
Don't stress. Just relax.
I understand you can lose keys.
You can lose your wallet.
How do you lose a plane?
Reese, what do you want me to do?
We got three out of four planes in.
That's a lot of coke.
Now, that's the kind of winning attitude
that'll take this enterprise to the top.
In all fairness, Reese, it wasn't his fault.
Are you his attorney?
Why are you in the conversation?
Come on, I'm kidding!
- I'm just kidding with you.
- He loves to joke.
Terrence here is absolutely right.
I mean, hell, three out of four ain't bad.
Let's celebrate. Who wants a beer?
- Great!
- Okay.
- Baby!
- Coke. It costs money.
Planes. They cost money.
This yacht, this perm, my kid's braces, it all
costs money. Do you think Kitty's free?
Kitty, turn around. Turn around!
Reese, please put the gun down.
Now, the next time that a plane
goes down, you better be on it.
Will you do my back, please?
- Sure.
- I don't wanna tan weird.
- Am I tanning weird?
- No.
- Honestly.
- You're bronzing.
There's no such thing
as a petty crime.
No minor infractions.
There's only the law.
Freeze! Bay City P.D.!
That's me in the leather jacket
and tight jeans.
See that guy I'm chasing?
I hate him.
And I'll do everything
in my power to stop him.
Wanna play, let's play.
Because it's my job to stop him.
Goddamn!
And the city pays me a damn
good salary to do my job.
Besides, he crossed the line.
And in Bay City,
when you cross the line...
...your nuts are mine.
I said, freeze!
My name is David Starsky,
and I'm a cop.
I've always had this theory
about police work:
If you can't beat them, join them.
No! No! No!
Put the money in there.
Too many cops worry about
the wrong thing: Crime.
Not me, though.
I'm looking out for numero uno.
- Hey, old-timer. Put this on Dallas.
- Come on! Let's go!
I'm just a realist, that's all.
And besides, you have any idea
how little the city pays us?
Freeze! Bay City P.D.!
Take it easy.
Guys, come on.
I'm undercover here.
My name is Ken Hutchinson,
and I'm a cop.
Where did they come from?
Jesus Christ, Starsky.
You fired three rounds
into a crowded intersection.
We got a man with a broken hip...
...and some asshole wants
a new top for his Caddy?
That purse had $ 7 in it.
- Okay, want my badge? Here, take it.
- Fine.
Come on. I was just making a point.
David, David.
Your mother was one of the finest cops
Bay City ever seen.
Twenty-two years on the force
with the same partner.
You have had 12 partners
over the past four years.
She died a legend.
I am not my mother!
I'm sorry.
Detective Hutchinson is here.
Send him in. Have a seat.
- How you doing, captain?
- I believe you two know each other.
Yeah, a little bit. How you doing?
- Yeah, right.
- Hutch.
You've got a lot of explaining to do.
I know. Look, I was trying to infiltrate
one of the East Side gangs...
...and work my way up
to the big fish. It's simple.
- You were robbing a bookie.
- That's right.
You've robbed seven bookies.
You haven't filed a report, turned
in any money or arrested anybody.
How can I? They'll know I'm a cop.
I wouldn't worry, you won't
be mistaken for a real cop.
Oh, really? Why don't you go get yourself
another perm and let the grownups talk.
- My hair is naturally curly.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
- That's a perm job, all the way.
Touch it!
Hey! Why are you touching him?
Jesus!
You know something?
You two deserve each other.
Make nice. You're partners.
- You're crazy.
- No, I'm not.
I don't know why you're so upset.
The guy cost us 200 grand.
A "thank you" might be more appropriate.
Who cares about 200 grand?
What if they link us to the murder?
- They won't link us to the murder.
- You don't know that.
Will you let it go, please? Jesus.
- Take a lude. Calm down.
- I did, and I'm still pissed.
Okay, fine. Fine, fine.
Look, I'm sorry, all right?
I promise, I'm not gonna kill Terrence
again. Now, pull it together.
Let's go.
Gentlemen, I apologize
about the delay.
But I promise you what we have
is worth the wait.
- It looks like cocaine.
- That's because it is cocaine.
With a twist. You see,
we've managed to find a way...
...to alter the cell structure
of the coca plant...
...giving it a heightened
perfluoralkylation process...
...creating a new kind
of diazomethane.
Gets a little complicated after that.
Excuse me.
So do you get extra high or what?
Actually, it has all the same
effects as regular cocaine.
Well, if it's the same,
why are we here?
Canis familiaris. The German shepherd.
Its nose has over
It can detect smells that even the most
advanced technology in the world cannot.
For example:
Lvan, search!
Lvan, stop!
What do you got? You holding?
He brought old coke.
This is new coke.
As far as a dog's concerned, there's nothing
there. 100 percent undetectable cocaine.
Got no coke smell...
...same coke ride.
Tastes kind of sweet.
If this shit wasn't illegal, guys,
we'd be up for the Nobel Prize.
Our initial run pumped out
two tons of this stuff...
...and it'll be available
in about three weeks.
You boys know who to call.
Ivan!
You don't understand.
They're not like you.
They're criminals.
Look, I know we all
got to make living.
But these guys, they are dealing
hard drugs right in front of my shop.
I can dig what you're saying,
Mr. Chowdury.
- I wanna thank you for coming in today.
- Of course.
Those gentlemen you speak of,
they'll no longer be a problem.
You have my word.
This is my neighborhood.
People tend to forget that.
Bee Bee, make sure
he gets home safely.
- Yeah, boss.
- Thank you very much, Huggy.
You are a great man.
- Begone, little Indian.
- Let's go, little man. Come on.
Taking up time.
- This neighborhood is in need of some help.
- It's cold-blooded, daddy.
- Who's next?
- You got Hutch waiting outside.
- What you got my man waiting outside for?
- He brought some extra fuzz with him.
So what? You go get him
and get him in here now.
You've never run an errand
on the clock before?
I take care of my personal business after
work, when the taxpayers aren't paying me.
Give me a break. You've never
stopped to buy a cup of coffee?
I bring a Thermos.
Okay, Hutch. He'll see you now.
Wait here, I'll be back in five minutes.
Second door on the right.
- How you doing?
- Hi, Hutch.
- Hey, look what the wind blew in.
- Huggy Bear.
Hey, I want you to meet
my new partner, David Starsky.
Hey, how you doing?
Hey, nobody touches the Bear.
Have a seat.
- Hutch, the usual?
- You know it. Make it a double.
Get my boy a Jack and Tab.
- And double that.
- You got it, boss.
- I'll get a seltzer with lime, if you got it.
- I don't got it.
Or not. It's cool. I'm good.
I just came by to apologize
for what happened in Chinatown.
Let me tell you,
I was as surprised as you were.
Don't sweat it, baby.
I wasn't surprised.
You know I ain't never surprised.
Hey, champ.
You got a permit for that weapon
you're carrying?
Starsky, please.
No, I don't.
Yeah, me neither.
I'm sorry, did I say something
that was funny?
- Stop it. He's kidding.
- No, I'm not kidding.
I wanna see permits
or I'm taking those weapons.
Slow up, man.
Around here, we govern ourselves.
Think of us like Luxembourg.
- You dig?
- No, I don't dig.
See, Luxembourg's
a constitutional monarchy...
...a sovereign state established
after the Treaty of Vienna.
Technically, it's a part of Europe.
But in reality, they govern themselves.
- Like us.
- Just like us.
All right, enough, okay?
- Shit!
- Hold up! Hold up!
Just chill out! Chill!
Watch yourself.
- Oh, no. Hell, no.
- You okay?
What happened?
Did he shoot Corky?
Your boy shot his tail off.
- He lost his tail?
- You should keep it in a terrarium.
- Man, what the hell is a terrarium?
- What's a terrarium?
It's an artificial ecosystem designed
to simulate Corky's natural habitat.
Well, I can dig that.
But I say we shoot him in the ass.
Oh, hell, yeah.
An eye for an eye.
Take it easy.
Huggy, help me out here.
Slow up, fellas. An iguana can lose
his tail and grow it back.
He regenerates.
That's how he escapes his predator.
It's true. It's a defense mechanism.
I read it in a magazine.
So him shooting Corky's tail off
and us shooting him in the ass...
...it really ain't the same thing.
- No, the punishment don't fit the crime.
And besides,
it was an accident, right?
Right.
- So we're cool.
- We're always cool, breeze.
Lower your pieces.
Good morning, Bay City, you are tuned
in to KBA Y, 93.3 on your dial.
This next tune is number eight on
the charts and number one in our hearts.
Hey, Hutch!
Oh, there he is.
What's going on, Willis?
Same old, same old.
So how's life at the clink
treating you?
It's not that great.
I got some new tight-ass partner
that they stuck me with and then...
I don't know. Hopefully...
It's probably not gonna last that long.
- So got that $20 you owe me?
- 20?
Willis, I thought it was 5.
Hutch, that was my grandmother's
birthday money.
Come on, give me a break, okay?
I just told you I got a new partner.
Stuff isn't great for me down at the
precinct. You know, back off for a second.
- Can I get it to you on Thursday?
- Fine, but no later than Thursday.
No later than Thursday.
Word of honor.
Cute little kid.
It's 10:00. You're late.
I've been here since 8.
Well, don't sweat it, because crime called
in sick. It's gonna get a late start too.
"Crime called in sick," I like that.
- So, what's on the agenda today?
- Same as every day.
- Finding bad guys, bringing them down.
- Great. Take my car, right there.
- That?
- Yeah.
- What the hell is that?
- It's like a camper/pickup truck.
- What's the matter?
- We're undercover.
- That thing sticks out like a sore thumb.
- You think so?
You're in for a treat.
It's not that bad.
Man, your stock just went up
in my book, my friend.
Pop the hood. Let's see
what you got under...
Hotshot, what do you think you're doing?
This is a Ford Gran Torino, okay?
It's not some crappy camper/apartment.
There are rules.
- Okay, okay.
- You do not bang on the hood.
You never, under any circumstances, drive.
You will not put your coffee mug
on the roof. Okay?
No coffee in the car whatsoever. Coffee
on the ground, you get in the car, we go.
Attention, all units.
We've got a 61-40 at Bay City Marina.
Oh, no.
This is Zebra 3.
We're on it. Hang on.
You gotta be kidding me. No way.
- What?
- Floater.
Nothing harder to solve than a floater.
No prints, body's usually bloated...
...it's next to impossible.
All right, I say we push it out...
...hope the current
takes it to the next precinct.
- What?
- You'll thank me for this one.
- Hey, seriously, stop it.
- The key is not to pop it.
- Hey.
- You gotta be very ginger.
- What are you doing?
- I said, drop the stick.
You point a gun at me?
Okay, fine, have it your way.
Knock yourself out.
- What are you gonna solve, anyway?
- I'm gonna solve a murder.
Monday, June 3rd. Male Caucasian body,
apparently dumped from the Bay Bridge.
Actually, there's no sign of impact,
so he was probably just dropped out at sea.
Could you please not talk
while I'm recording?
Thank you.
All right, I'm just gonna call
in the meat wagon, all right?
Looks like you punched
your last ticket, amigo.
I'm sorry, did you just tough-talk
a dead body?
I lost my flow.
- Zebra 3 to base.
- Dispatch. Go ahead, Zebra 3.
We're gonna need a coroner notification.
We got a DB down at municipal jetty.
10-4, will inform.
Tell them to bring a body bag
and some galoshes. He's a wet one.
Copy that, Starsky.
Found a wallet.
Nothing in it.
- Medium-rare, okay?
- You got it.
Look at all these cops.
You wanna eat here?
It's a great place.
Pop's? Come on.
"If you're one of the cops,
eat at Pop's. "
- Okay, hot stuff.
- Zebra 3.
2- 11 in progress, please respond.
- Go for Starsky.
- Hurry, Starsky.
We got two perps holding up
a gumball machine on 5th Street.
- Let's go.
- A gumball machine?
- Lethal force if necessary!
Very funny, Manetti.
Hey, it's Captain and Tennille.
That means one of you would
actually have to make captain.
- Radio's for police business only.
- That's true. Why'd they give you one?
- Let's get out of here.
- Not that funny.
That Manetti really thinks he's something.
But you know what?
- He's not.
- Take it easy.
- You think that's funny?
- No, no, I mean, you just gotta rise above it.
- What do we got in the wallet?
- Not much.
Driver's license, couple receipts.
No cash whatsoever.
"Reese Feldman Corporation. "
What do you call that?
Terrence Meyers.
That name does sound vaguely familiar.
- Isn't he part of our Nearly There program?
- I think he is.
Terrence Meyers. Baby, isn't he
the guy dating a Bay City Kitty?
Remember?
We were joking about it.
Really? Bay City Kitty.
You mean the cheerleaders.
You happen to remember her name?
No, I don't.
- Can I get you boys anything else?
- We're good. Thank you so much, honey.
That's my angel. I love her.
A second ago you mentioned
the Nearly There Foundation. What is that?
That's a program that we set up
to help ex-cons get back on their feet.
Their parole requires them to have a job.
The Catch-22...
...is not that many people
are excited to hire a felon.
Those poor ex-cons,
they can't catch a break.
No, it's a vicious cycle
they get caught up in.
- Did you see the article in The New Times?
- Bet your ass I did. I love that writer.
But I'd be lying if I didn't say that we
get some pretty good tax breaks too.
There it is, the kicker.
- Just a perk.
- This sly dog here.
- What do you got?
- Tickets to our annual fundraiser.
- Be my guests.
- No, we can't accept gratuities.
It's against policy.
These don't look like gratuities, they look
like tickets. I'd be happy to accept.
Hey, what about Terrence?
Is he in some kind of trouble?
He's dead. His body washed up
in the marina this morning.
Oh, no.
"Punched his last ticket," as they say.
You know, you try to do all you can for
these guys, but it's just never enough, is it?
No, I guess it isn't.
- When was the last time you saw him?
- The last place I saw...
This is a nice boat.
- Reese, is this yours?
- Actually, that's a yacht.
- I'm sorry, a yacht.
- Excuse me, Hutch.
Can we please focus
on the investigation?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
I could use another one of these.
Right on! That was great, girls!
Take five!
- Let's go.
- Look alive. Here they come.
We usually don't allow spectators.
Even cute ones.
David Starsky, Bay City P.D.
My partner, Ken Hutchinson.
- Girls.
- They're so cute.
I'm Stacey. That's Holly.
God, I loved your moves out there.
Fantastic.
I've never dated a cop before.
My horoscope said I should
try new things today.
- Is that right?
- You're awful.
So, what brings you around here,
officers?
Well, you know, that depends.
Yeah. Either of you two know
a Terrence Meyers?
- Oh, yeah, Heather dated him.
- Oh, yeah.
The girl over there with the yellow top.
But they split up. We haven't seen him.
- Let's go ask Heather some questions.
- Thank you.
Be careful with those moves.
You could hurt someone.
Oh, that's why we practice.
Actually, I was talking about us.
Where did that come from?
- I would've tried the horoscope line.
- No, too obvious.
Hey!
- Wait up.
- See what I mean?
- Here's my number.
- In case you need us for...
...questioning.
Thank you, ladies.
- Bye.
- Bye.
He was always fascinated
by all that macho mobster bullshit.
I hope this is okay.
I need to make this quick.
- I gotta pick my kid up in 20 minutes.
- Oh, yeah, totally.
We were gonna move in together.
He promised he'd quit...
...that stuff after he got out.
But then he goes and gets himself killed.
He's such an asshole.
I can only imagine what you must
be going through. I think that...
Honestly, you know, if I knew what
he was up to, I'd be happy to tell you.
But we didn't talk much.
Yeah. So did you...?
When did he...? Did he...?
What did...?
- So Hutch, do you got any more questions?
- Yeah, well, sure. We could...
What's your sign?
Gemini.
What...
- What do you weigh?
- What does that have to do with anything?
It has everything to do with anything.
Just answer the question, please, ma'am.
Around 115, I guess,
give or take a pound or two.
- I wish I could be more helpful.
- Stop.
Don't do that. You've been great. I mean,
it's terrific. We got what we needed.
Anything else?
- I'm good.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Oh, wait. I don't know if this
will be of any help. It's his.
Take it. I don't want it.
Okay. Thank you. Again.
- Things getting any better at work, Hutch?
- Actually, work was pretty good today.
- How about you? Anything new?
- Nope.
You get a chance to ask that girl out?
I want you to meet
my new partner, David Starsky.
Nice to meet you.
Is this the dickweed
you were telling me about?
Look, just shake his hand.
Come on.
Go on, hop in. Willis.
- Dickweed?
- His mom works late on Wednesdays...
...so I kind of look after him.
- You take a kid out on patrol with you?
- Yeah, that's what we do, isn't it, Willis?
- Patrol!
- Whatever you say, Hutch.
Damn!
- Man, this thing is bad!
- Don't encourage him.
Oh, shit.
Starsky, this your ride?
Damn. You just moved up
a notch in my book.
That puts you at notch one.
- I like your Lincoln.
- It's a '76. It won't be out till next year.
I know people that know people
that robbed some people.
So, what do you hear
on the street these days?
Dig this. A little bird tells me there's
gonna be a big coke deal in Bay City.
- One for the Guinness Books, so they say.
- Interesting.
- Who would this little bird be?
- Look, I lay it out for y'all to play it out.
All right. What does that mean?
- Don't worry about it.
- Huggy, what can you tell us about this?
This looks like the work of Big Earl.
This boy loves dragons.
He makes these with his hands, you know?
There's his name stitched right up
under the dragon's belly.
- Big Earl?
- Yeah, he sews, but he's one tough mother.
He owns a biker bar about
Biker bar?
What goes on down there?
I don't know. Listen to Jim Croce...
...play darts, whatever the hell else
you white people do.
Look, fuzz, I gots to buzz.
This meeting is adjourned.
- That's it?
- That's it.
- He lays it out for us to play it out.
- Oh, and by the way, this little meeting?
- It never happened.
- What meeting?
C'est la vie, gentlemen.
- Great new technique
where you press hard.
- Hands. What, it's a verbal technique?
- No.
Keep your hands on me, I'm teasing.
- What do you got on those cops?
- Everything.
- Records, home addresses, credit history.
- Nice.
- Starsky and Hutchinson?
- They call him Hutch, actually.
I don't have enough
on my plate already?
I got a major coke deal, my daughter's
bat mitzvah, which is a total nightmare.
- And now these two guys.
- You think they're on to us?
They are investigating a murder. That's
what cops do. It's why we pay taxes.
You're the worst. You kidding?
Will you look at these two guys?
He's cute, the blond.
But I like dark hair.
Maybe we ought to push
this whole thing.
- Till things cool off?
- Kevin, please, with the worry.
We're moving ahead as scheduled.
I'll handle those two clowns.
So tomorrow, I say we check out
this biker bar, do a little deep cover.
Sounds good.
Who does your wig work?
- I'm sorry, my what?
- Your wig work.
Your undercover work, your disguises.
- You have a wig guy?
- Oh, yeah, he's incredible.
Well, if it isn't Sonny and Cher.
- Sonny and Cher.
- Sit on it, Manetti.
- Me sit on it?
- Yeah, you, sit on it.
Why don't you sit on it, Starsky,
how's that sound?
You wish.
Because I'm never sitting on it, ever.
That's not what I heard.
- Starsky!
- Come on. Come on!
- Jesus!
- Stop it!
What the hell is going on?
Cool your jets, Starsky!
Everybody, back off!
Including you, Manetti.
I apologize, captain.
You're absolutely right.
You know, you're not even worth it,
Starsky. And for the record...
...those are hand towels.
The big towels are on the top shelf.
Hand towels. What a rod.
Jesus Christ. He's right.
Go cover up.
Who are you guys?
My name's Kansas.
And this is my little man Toto.
We're Jesters from up in Big Cliff, coming
down and check out your place. This it?
Is this your place?
- Yeah.
- Nice.
Tell me, if you two are Jesters,
what's our credo?
Credo.
Well...
You almost got me there.
There's no credo.
Other than the secret credo.
It ain't no secret.
It's written right on our damn crest.
A trick question? If it's printed on
the crest, you don't give it as a test.
Anybody can read the crest. That wouldn't
prove we're Jesters. Not cool.
- That's a fake mustache.
- Oh, really?
Well, I wonder if you
think this is fake.
- Now, we got some questions!
- I don't gotta give you nothing, cop!
Wrong! First, you've gotta
give me a little respect.
Second, you're gonna give me some
answers, comprende, muchacho?
- I like your style.
- I like your moves.
Now, where were we?
You were gonna tell us
about Terrence Meyers.
Who's Terrence Meyers?
- Wrong answer, Big Earl.
- Big Earl? I'm not Big Earl.
- I'm Jeff.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- Jeff?
- No one's who they say they are.
Look.
Honest, think about it.
I'm not even big.
Yeah. No, that's a good point.
Maybe it's an ironic name, like
Tiny over in Vice. He's, like, 8 feet tall.
- Everybody says he's tiny...
- I know, except this guy's normal size.
He'd have to be a lot smaller
for a name like Big Earl to be ironic.
You don't have to be a midget.
You're not exactly...
- How tall are you?
- I don't know, 5'9"?
- Well, that is kind of... Basically...
- Borderline. It's average.
Look. Big Earl got pinched two weeks ago.
He's in Bay City Correctional.
I took over the bar till he gets out.
Jeff, I'm sorry.
We apologize.
We're gonna pay Big Earl a visit.
Let me get this for you.
There you go. Good as new.
A word of advice:
Next time you watch a place...
...don't claim you own it
because you watch it.
I housesit for my sister all the time,
it's not like I claim that I own her house.
That goes for all y'all.
Don't pretend to be
something you're not.
Just be who you are.
That's what's really cool.
How did you get in?
Visiting hours are over.
Special treatment.
We got some questions
about Terrence Meyers.
- Terrence Meyers?
- Yeah.
You made this jacket for him?
Gee whiz, I don't seem to know anyone
by that name at all.
Hard customer.
Offer him a radio or some bullshit.
Maybe we can make your stay
a little more comfortable.
- Nice transistor radio for your cell?
- No.
- How about a TV?
- I tell you what.
I do like your blonde friend, here.
Let me see your bellybutton.
No. What... Let's go. Come on.
- No, listen.
- No, no! I'm not...
Hold on.
He's obviously a freak.
Just show him a little skin.
Show him your stomach.
Nobody's here.
Come on.
- Are we cool?
- Yes, we're cool.
Oh, eureka.
God, that's nice.
It's like a little bowl of oatmeal
with a hole in it.
- I got one too.
- Oh, come on.
I just got a little more
brown sugar on mine.
Did you say "Terrence Meyers"?
Yeah, I think I did make that jacket.
We might have pulled a job together.
What job? Who were you working for?
Stand up. Walk to the back
and do a spin for me.
Wait a second.
I just showed you my stomach...
Come on, a deal's a deal, Earl.
Fine, then this conversation is over.
Wait. Wait.
- Hold it. Come on. Wait.
- I can't hear you.
Get up.
- Tell him to take his jacket off.
- Take your jacket off.
- Slow spin.
- He says to do a slow spin.
Tell him to arch his back
and then look back at me, mean.
Like a dragon.
He says to arch your back
and look back at him, mean, like a dragon.
But keep it mean.
Tell him great job.
He can sit down.
You're a very convincing dragon.
You should feel good about that.
Just get this over with.
Okay, here's the deal.
Terrence and I worked as extra muscle
for a couple of dealers.
I'd like to tell you who,
but I don't know.
I never got a name,
I never got a face.
But I do know one thing:
They paid us in coke.
I was pretty pissed at the time.
I was hoping to get cash.
I'm no coke dealer.
Right, so where's the coke?
If we find that coke,
we can probably trace it.
Fine. Fine.
Look, I like you guys, okay?
Especially you. Okay?
Don't feel bad about that.
But I like you guys, so I'll tell you.
But...
But first I need to see something, okay?
And it's gonna involve both of you.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
It's gonna get weird.
Two dragons.
Ready? Both of you, take your shirts off.
But do it slow.
I guess it's supposed
to rain later tonight.
Yeah, that's what I heard.
- Look, you know, what happened...
- Can we please not talk about this, Hutch?
We got the coke.
Let's not ever talk about it.
You're right.
That's a good policy.
We got what we came for.
- You think dragons ever...
- Stop, I don't want to talk about it!
What the hell is wrong with you two?
- Come on, what are you...?
- You have brought disgrace...
...on everyone who's
ever worn a uniform.
My God.
- We didn't know there was a camera.
- Cap, we're sorry.
At least we got the stash.
There's gotta be 30 grams
of coke here, minimum.
This could lead us to the dealers
that iced Terrence Meyers.
It's evidence.
We can print the bag, run forensics.
We did.
We got nothing.
What we got is a bag
of artificial sweetener.
What are you talking about?
My granny wouldn't think
this was coke.
Come on, that's impossible.
We got the stuff from Big Earl.
- I'm taking you two off this floater.
- What?
- I'm giving it to Manetti.
- Manetti? Oh, come on, cap!
- Manetti's the worst cop on the force!
- Starsky. Stop.
Go on, sit down.
Come on.
Look, captain, we're sorry, but come on.
You can't take us off this.
I just did. Now, leave.
And take your bag
of artificial sweetener with you.
- Kicking the chair was a nice touch.
- Yeah, too bad it didn't work.
He'll get over it.
What I can't figure out is why Earl
got paid with bunk cocaine.
Now we've got two leads.
- We do?
- Stacey and Holly.
- Those two cheerleaders?
- No, no, those two witnesses.
They met Terrence.
Let's take them out,
see what we can learn.
I mean, is it our fault that they also
happen to be a couple of hot foxes?
Reese, I couldn't help myself.
They were cops.
- They were just too macho.
- Macho?
- It's simple. You should have lied.
- I did. I lied about you.
I didn't tell them anything.
But I had to give them something.
They were so pure.
You're lucky you're in the joint.
Do you understand me?
- Look at the bright side.
- Bright side?
It's the ultimate test.
The coke was in the police station.
They cleared it.
You should be happy.
Well, guess what?
I'm not happy.
I'm not happy at all about it, Earl!
Don't shush me!
Don't tell me to calm down!
- Understand?
- What are you wearing? Quick.
What am I wearing?
Silk flowered shirt and a vest. Why?
That's gorgeous.
- You sick son of a bitch.
- Don't hang up. Don't hang up!
God. Some people.
I'm not gonna be able
to fit in my uniform tomorrow.
Is that a good or bad thing?
Is this the way you two
always treat witnesses?
Well, that depends. If it's a misdemeanor,
we've been known to skip the fondue...
...and move right to foot massages.
Let me see.
Watch out! Wait a minute,
I think that's police brutality.
- Anybody for some coffee?
- No, thanks.
Okay, one for le chef.
Wow. This place is great.
It serves my needs.
It's cozy. Homey.
- Can you help me find the sugar?
- It's there.
Hutch, help me find the sugar.
- Okay. Pardon me.
- Okay.
- How we doing?
- Great.
- Your fondue put us over the top.
- Really?
Which one do you like?
We're gonna stick to this.
- I have a thing for blondes.
- Good. I'll take anything.
They're sweet little angels.
In two minutes,
I want you to grab my guitar...
...bring it to me,
put it in my hands and step back.
- You play?
- Just bring me the guitar.
Wait. Hey, hey, where's the sugar?
I don't think I have any.
- That's great. He's a cop.
- Come here.
- Both of you.
- You're so funny.
It's like a magpie convention in here.
Let's get the cup out.
Thank you, Big Earl.
Do you ever get scared out there,
on the streets?
Yeah. I'd like to say no,
but the truth is, I do sometimes.
I'm one of those guys that's more about
helping others than helping myself.
- There we go.
- It's all I knew.
It's more that there's someone
I might not be able to help.
A citizen that needs aid,
or even an animal.
- Look what I found.
- Put that away. Put it away!
Hutch, you gotta play.
Come on. Play, play. Please.
Don't you wanna play?
Come on. Hutch!
All right. Holly, turn off the music.
- Now, come on!
- Oh, sorry.
Look alive. Let's go.
- Hutch is gonna play.
- What have you gotten me into, Starsky?
- Thought we were partners.
- Come on, Hutch!
One, two, three.
- That was great, Hutch!
- Come on, you guys.
It was just a guy here with a guitar,
singing his heart out.
Starsky's bored.
- Anybody else bored?
- What?
- A club could be fun.
- Club. Yeah.
Okay, I'll get some more coffee
and then we'll go.
Is he okay?
Isn't this place great?
Do you like places like this?
You're a cheerleader,
so you're dancing in formation.
This place can't be fun,
because it's like you're at work.
Are you okay?
You seem kind of wound up.
Wound up?
No, I'm just pumped. I'm excited.
Rock-solid, ready to go. A little bit
paranoid, but feeling really good.
- Can I kiss you?
- Okay.
- Watch it, man.
- Excuse me?
I said, watch it. Floor's for dancing.
You can tell by the lights.
- Wanna tangle, curly?
- Come on. No.
- No, we're gonna dance.
- No, no, no.
Curly wants to tangle.
- Do you really want a piece of this?
- I don't want a piece.
I want the whole thing.
Yeah!
- Oh, my, folks!
- Please don't do this.
- Don't worry. I can take him.
- It's not that.
You shouldn't do this
because it's so lame.
Tonight, our own Dancing Rick
is being called out...
...by new guy David Stamsky.
- No, no, Starsky.
Back at you.
If you've got a pair of sunglasses...
...I'd put them on, because I got a feeling
these two are gonna light it up!
Boz, reel it in!
All right, settle down.
Everybody settle.
You know the rules.
Keep it safe, keep it sexy...
...and above all, turn up the night!
Dancing Rick getting warmed up here.
What's he gonna bring out
for the appetizer course?
Oh, it's a little hand-over-hand tuggle, man,
right into the center of the floor.
That's all he's giving him.
That's a bucketful of confidence.
Over to new guy David Starsky.
This guy could be trouble.
It's the Wild West.
Those are six-guns full of sexy.
The good, the bad and the groovy.
One, two, three, four,
we've got disco war, folks.
Dancing Rick's going, "I don't like you,
but I respect your moves. "
Here comes Starsky again.
Driving that disco big rig.
Shift gears, blow your funky horn.
Pull into the truck stop and get yourself
some scrapple made out of sexy.
Disco Rick brings it right back
and he's not wasting any time, folks.
From the future of 1984,
that's a funky disco robot.
They're both on the floor, folks,
eye to eye. It's disco Vietnam.
Neither one's blinking or backing down.
Let's see what happens.
Angry cat.
Kitten has claws.
All right, looks like it's over.
Remember, $2 Harvey Wall...
Oh, my God!
David Starsky, taking it over the line!
How about that?
Very sexy, very macho.
But that's a little too close to call.
We'll have to depend on our patented
American Lights Applause-O-Meter.
So let's bring out our combatants, folks.
Come on, big hand for them.
Here we go.
First off, over to my man,
Dancing Rick.
And over to the new guy,
David Starsky.
Folks, pretty close.
I hate to do this...
...but I gotta give it to my man
Dancing Rick.
Boo! Boo!
What? Hey, hey, do it again!
That's B.S.
- What?
- I won. Do the applause thing again!
It was just for fun. Forget it...
- I said, do it again, liar!
- Not cool, not cool!
- Liar! Do it again!
- All right.
Hey, hey, settle down.
Settle down.
I'm a cop. It's cool.
It's okay.
It's okay, it's okay!
Calm down, people.
Bay City P.D.
We got him.
We're gonna get you home.
- Where am I?
- You were freaking out.
- I had to take you down.
- What?
There we go.
Easy does it.
Here we go.
I think I was drugged.
Sounds like you did coke.
I mean, from what I've read
about the effects.
I don't use coke.
I had coffee tonight.
- What is that?
- Sweetener, right?
The stuff from Earl?
What are you doing with this?
- Hutch?
- Where'd you get this?
- I beat that guy. What was that about?
- You did.
- You won. You danced your heart out.
- And everybody saw it.
- Sleep.
- I was robbed.
I know. We was robbed.
We was robbed.
Go to sleep.
Go to sleep, tiny dancer. All right.
Jesus Christ.
- Is he okay?
- Oh, yeah, he's okay.
He just needs to sleep it off.
Quite a night, huh?
You can say that again.
Guess it's kind of winding down.
- Well, it doesn't have to be over.
- What do you mean?
Where did that come from?
I just want you to know,
I really like your partner.
- I know, he's such a good guy.
- This is just, like, whatever.
I don't think we even have to judge it.
It's too natural.
- Okay.
- It's just...
You guys wanna kiss? Yeah.
I hear somebody stirring.
There he is.
I feel for you.
Jesus! Please, turn that off!
Easy, killer.
Just a blender.
- What time is it?
- Time for Hutch's hangover cure.
- What's in it?
- Pepto-Bismol, Aunt Jemima mix...
...Tang and a little flat Tab.
Most important thing.
And a raw egg.
Saves lives. Trust me.
And?
- It's good.
- What did I tell you?
Sorry about last night.
- Thanks for taking care of the girls.
- Hey, no problem. Happy to do it.
What are partners for?
Speaking of which...
...I checked this stuff out and even though
it tastes like sugar, that is cocaine.
- You sure?
- I'm sure...
...Stacey's sure, Holly's sure...
How do you like your eggs?
Didn't Huggy mention something
about a coke deal going down?
"One for the Guinness Book,"
was how he put it.
Seems like a big coincidence.
Why don't I drive?
You don't look good.
No. If I'm alive, I drive.
Rhyming already, you must be...
- You okay?
- I'm fine.
He blew out my fricking window!
All right! Enough with the car!
We get it!
Stop shooting my car!
Okay, cover me. Say when.
Go!
Zebra to base,
I want you to run a plate.
Larry, one, apple, nine, eight, four.
Larry, one, apple, nine, eight, four.
- Damn it!
- You okay?
Look at this! This is horrible!
What kind of world do we live in
where somebody does this?
Well, I think he was aiming at us.
Think this is funny?
Seriously, is this funny?
Zebra 3, we have an ID on that plate.
Lee M. Chau, 1325 Western.
- I repeat...
- Ready to dish out a little payback?
Freeze! Bay City P.D.!
- The hell was that?
- I think it's his kid.
All right, just sit tight, little boy.
Well, well, well, this looks familiar.
Possession of cocaine and
attempted murder, huh?
- Jesus!
- What was that?
That ain't a kid! It's a tiny little man!
And he's got knives! Goddamn!
- My arm!
- Oh, shit!
Make him stop! Make him stop!
Tell him to stop! Stop it!
Starsky! Starsky, we need to go now!
Come on!
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
All right, now...
Okay, time out. Let's just take a little break.
I'm gonna get out of here... Jeez!
Oh, mama! What is your problem?
I said, time out!
Hutch! A little help.
He pinned you good, partner.
On three. One, two...
Time to answer some questions,
old man.
Who's the little dwarf you got
throwing knives at me and my partner?
That was no dwarf. That was my son.
Liar!
Come on, you're going downtown.
Let's go, Starsky. On your feet!
Now, you wanna tell me
who hired you?
We have a saying in Koreatown.
It goes, "Kiss my yellow ass, copper!"
All right. You wanna play games?
I got a game for you, Chau.
Let's play a little Russian roulette.
We got a little saying here in Bay City:
"You cross the line...
...your nuts are mine. "
There's really a bullet in the gun.
- Yes, I know. That is the point...
- No, you don't understand.
- Let's play!
- The bullet went inside!
Come on, you wanna play,
let's play! Let's play!
- Your turn!
- No!
I thought you wanted to play. Come on,
Chau. You wanna play? Let's play a game!
- What are you doing? Jesus.
- Our little friend here is about to talk.
What in the holy...?
- All right, enough with the talking. Let's go.
- What? No! Starsky, no!
- You're crazy!
- Are you out of your mind?
Calm down.
Calm down? He tried to kill me. He shoot
everything. I have heart attack already.
It's over. It's over.
Just calm down.
- What?
- No, nothing. Nothing. This guy is funny.
- It's not about you.
- That's great. He can be your new partner.
Chau and Hutch. Sounds cool.
Forget it. All right, Chau, what else can
you tell me about the guys that hired you?
Not much. A couple of whiteys.
Nice suit. Perry Ellis.
They pay, I do job.
- What did they look like?
- I don't know.
They were white.
All you guys look alike to me.
That's funny, all you guys
look alike to us. Orientals.
So where'd you meet him?
We met... How do you say? By water.
- At the beach?
- No, no, no. On water.
- Right, a boat. You met on a boat.
- No, no, no. Not a boat.
It's a yacht.
Rock into womanhood, Elizabeth!
We know that you will.
- All right.
- What's that mean?
We have a special delivery for
the little lady. It's right over here.
Let's see what's inside.
- These pantomimes suck.
- Don't look at me. I didn't hire them.
- Well, who did?
- I don't know.
These pantomimes aren't very good.
This must be Reese's big surprise.
Look at me, guys,
I'm a mime too.
- Everyone's miming something.
- Embarrassing.
- Reese just left.
- I know.
- Stay here, I'll follow him.
- I'll follow him.
No, you stay. Keep them occupied.
You're doing great. They love you.
I might do the glass wall
one more time.
Boo!
Terrific. Tell him you like him, ask him to
sit by you at the cafeteria. How do I know?
What am I, your counselor? Yeah, I'd like
to get to the information that I need, okay?
It's done.
My buddy delivered the package. It's in
your garage. It's locked up nice and tight...
- ... in case anybody gets nosy.
- No one saw him?
Not a soul.
Now, about my fee...
You'll be paid as soon as I've
checked it out. If you'll excuse me...
- Reese, wait.
- What?
- Mazel tov, man.
- Thanks.
They grow up so fast.
- Go play dragon. I gotta go.
- All right. Big kisses.
Thank you, everybody, for coming out to
celebrate my little girl's bat mitzvah.
I should say "young woman. "
Lt'll take me a while to get used to that.
- This guy's good. Sweet.
- It's in his garage.
- What?
- The cocaine is in his garage.
- Are you sure?
- We take him down now.
- Let's go.
- All right, cut the music.
Cut the music.
I think I speak for everyone
when I say we're a little mimed out.
Don't worry. Show's over.
You're under arrest for possession
with intent to sell.
- This man's a drug dealer.
- Okay, I think what we have...
- Maybe you didn't hear us.
- Take it easy, everybody.
You're making the biggest mistake
of your life, hear me?
You're the one making
the mistake, pusher.
Kevin, call my attorney,
please. Ridiculous.
- Open it.
- My hands are tied.
Fine. Allow me.
Let this be a lesson to everyone,
especially you kids.
Don't be fooled by the first-class suit
and the big house.
Reese Feldman's nothing more than
a two-bit drug dealer.
You want some proof?
Here's some proof.
This is a bad man.
And this is what bad men do.
A pony!
Happy bat mitzvah, baby. I love you.
Take the kids in, come on.
Let's go, kids.
It's all right, baby, it's okay. Come here.
Come here. We'll get you a new pony.
Hey there, little fella. You okay?
Mr. Feldman, on behalf of the
entire Bay City Police Department...
...I sincerely apologize.
- That's okay, captain.
My attorney here would love to
take them down, but I know...
...that in the bottom
of their hearts...
...these two detectives were just
trying to protect me and my family.
I gotcha. Thank you.
I respect your attitude,
but you can be sure...
...it will never happen again,
because as of now...
...both of you are suspended indefinitely.
Look, cap, this was my fault.
Don't drag Hutch into this. I shot the pony.
You care what happens to Hutch?
You filed for transfer two weeks ago,
citing his behavior as a reason.
- Captain...
- Oh yeah, yeah. Check this out.
Sounds like you're quite
the crime fighter, Hutch.
- You filed for a transfer?
- Guns and badges, right here, on my desk.
Your mother would be
very disappointed in you.
Man, I've really had it with that Doby.
I mean, it's enough already.
"Cavorting with nefarious characters.
Conduct unbecoming of an officer. "
I wrote that two weeks ago.
Things are really cool with us now.
- Hey, did you go through my locker?
- No.
- You went through my locker.
- I might have looked inside...
If you got a problem with someone, tell it
to their face. You come to them as a man.
You don't go behind their back and write
a thesis and try to get transferred.
Backstabber!
Yeah, don't anybody work
with David Starsky.
He'll stab you in the back.
You've got to let this go.
We got lucky. These guys screwed up.
- They can't even touch us now. It is over.
- I don't care.
No one dresses as a mime and embarrasses
me at my daughter's bat mitzvah.
In my own house, no less.
Have some perspective.
We're almost finished.
We're a few days from closing
a $35-million deal. Let it slide.
Yeah, I'll let it slide. When they're dead.
Why did I get so lucky?
I don't know, I just love
when you talk so tough.
Of course you do. That's why
you're my girlfriend on the side.
Hey, Hutch.
"Ruin me!"
Excuse me, let me have
a minute with my friend.
He didn't care if he got ruined. That was
the whole point of the episode. Did you...?
Hutch, you gonna have to lay up off
of this juice. You had too much to drink.
Come on. I feel like a million bucks.
Just laughing, having a good time.
It ain't even funny no more.
There used to be a time here when you
peed against the wall, you did it outside.
Lighten up, it's Friday night.
Okay? It's a bar.
Hutch, it's Wednesday afternoon, man.
Snap out of it.
- What time is it?
- It's 5:00, man.
Shit. I'm supposed to pick up Willis at 3.
Huggy, I'm sorry, we...
Hutch! Hey, Hutch! You home?
You were supposed to pick me up
at 3:00 today. What happened?
Deadbeat.
If you could have yourself one wish,
what would it be for?
"Mama put the salt back on a
straight line with the pepper...
...and got that look like when
she be telling me that old wise stuff.
She told Nobie he
should wish for... "
Good friends. Free to Be You and Me.
That's what Mama tells Nobie to wish for.
- Well, well, well.
- How you doing, Willis?
- I'm pretty good.
- Yeah? Got you something.
Damn. A wrist rocket.
- Watch out with that thing. Very powerful.
- Cool. Thanks, Starsky.
Pretty sure those are illegal.
Even though you're my friend...
...might have to report you to Doby.
All right. Okay, look, Hutch, can we...?
Is it all right if I talk
to you outside?
No, I better stay here with the kid.
All right. Hey, feel better, all right?
You got it.
- Can you believe that guy? What a...
- Hutch, the man was trying to apologize.
Dig this, man. Someone once said...
..."To err is human, to forgive, divine. "
What idiot said that?
I believe that was God,
the greatest mack of all.
David. David.
Yeah.
Okay, so, what did you wanna say?
Nothing. Apparently you're too busy
and I'm not worth it. It's fine.
- Really, it's good.
- Come on, let's hear it.
There's nothing that... I just was gonna
say that I think you're a good cop.
- Okay, well, thank you.
- And I am...
...sorry about what I wrote in the report.
Yeah, because I'm telling you, I felt like
I'd just gotten my world rocked...
- Are you crying?
- What's that?
- Are you crying?
- No, I'm not crying. You're crying.
It's okay to cry. People cry.
That's great, but I'm not crying. I'm not a
crier. I don't cry. I work out. I have hobbies.
- Come here.
- What?
- Come here. I forgive you, all right?
- Okay.
I forgive you.
Okay, that's probably enough.
That's enough.
- All right?
- Okay.
- Are we good?
- Yeah, we're good.
Because we got some people
that want us dead.
They took a shot at you. They tried to
blow up my house, almost killed little Willis.
We gotta do... Now what?
Nothing. I'm just excited.
Let's get these scumbags!
- Get them! That's what I wanna see.
- Let's get them!
- Get some tissues. Let's go.
- What are you doing?
- Damn. I'll tell you that.
- Look, I'm telling you, it's right here.
Reese is meeting with the biggest drug
dealers in back alleys all over the place.
But talking isn't illegal.
Yeah, the guy's not stupid.
He knows how to stay clean.
Dirty ones always do.
We gotta find a way to get close to him,
get inside and hear what's going on.
It's gonna be tough.
The guy knows what we look like.
He doesn't know what
Huggy Bear looks like.
Man, this is a bunch of crap.
I am an urban informant. I am not a snitch.
- Come on, Huggy, what's the difference?
- A snitch wears a wire.
A snitch is the scum
of the information industry.
A snitch has no soul.
Damn, man, that shit hurt.
- I'm sorry.
- You got to be more careful.
We wouldn't ask you to do this
unless it was really important.
- I'm gonna owe you one.
- More than one, man.
Let's slow down with the scorekeeping.
I might remember...
...stuff I've overlooked over the years,
then mention it to my partner here.
How'd that be?
- All right, man, get this over with. Hurry up.
- All right. All right. Good. We're done.
- All right, let's get that outfit.
- Outfit?
Oh, no, man. You know Huggy Bear
wouldn't wear that, man.
Come with something better.
Take that shit back to Florida.
That ain't me, baby.
Mr. Casual. So nice of you to join us.
Sorry about that, sir.
What would you say this is?
Golf?
Real funny, Amos.
Give me the 9-iron.
- Where the hell's my 9-iron?
- I was gonna bring...
Let me explain something to you.
You are in charge
of this area right here.
Clubs come out.
They gotta go back in.
I realize this is a complex procedure, but it's
up to you to manage the whole business.
Do you got that, Nipsey?
- Yes.
- I should make you run...
...back to the driving range and get it.
Just give me the wedge.
My man gave me a 3-wood.
Do you even know what
a pitching wedge is?
- Are you even a real caddy?
- Come on.
Look, man, this grass is
Alabama Creeping Bent...
...as opposed to Georgia Creeping Bent.
It's lighter.
- Lighter meaning faster?
- Exactly.
Hold this.
Look at that. Good shot.
- You know a lot about golf.
- I know even more about grass.
I don't question that.
- That was a great shot. Don't even start.
- Fine. Back to business.
The stuff is all ready to be moved.
All two tons of it.
We're gold. We need to be at
the banquet by 2 p. m. Anything else?
Yeah, just stay calm and...
What, are we dating?
Why are you standing so close to me?
- Back off.
- It's cool, baby.
What is your deal?
The Nearly There banquet.
Remember? It's tomorrow.
- How's he gonna move coke at a banquet?
- I don't know, but we gotta be there.
No, can't. He'll kill us if he sees us.
You wanna use my wig guy.
Hello, sir. May I check your briefcase?
Oh, yeah. Thanks a lot.
Thank you very much.
Now, what you wanna do is take
this ticket stub. It's for the raffle.
And see that car up on stage?
There's seven of them, all up for grabs,
with plenty of trunk space.
Trunk space. I get it. Very good.
Very good. Thank you very much.
- That's what I'm talking about. Right here.
- There we go.
- What do you think?
- I love it. Great stuff.
Yeah, you look just like a rich cowboy,
came riding in off the farm.
- Do me a favor. Tip your hat forward.
- No, I like it where it is.
- No, seriously, come on, do it. Do it.
- Will you stop with that?
That voice makes you sound crazy.
It makes me sound like Maury Finkel...
...founder of Finkel Fixtures,
a lighting fixture chain.
Oh, it's a little voice and a character.
You got a whole back-story. That's good.
Little touches. You wanna
make the character real.
- What's your character?
- I don't really...
I don't have a character.
I don't do voices.
We're going upstairs. People will
recognize us if we don't have a character.
- Think of something.
- Okay.
Buck up, let's do it.
How are you? How's it going?
All right. How you doing? All right.
Look at these two hot chickens.
Finkel wants some dinkle. Give it to me.
Come on. Do it.
Lay it on, right here. Do it. Do it.
He means a kiss. We're doing
little voices. Undercover.
Come on, sweetie. Do it.
- That's a sweet little pucker. I love it.
- Can I get you two a drink?
You sure can, sweetheart.
Johnnie Red, neat.
- Okay.
- Do it. Do it.
All right. And you?
- Do it. Bacardi and cola. Do it, do it.
- Okay. I'll be right back.
- What are you doing?
- What?
- What was that? You just stole my voice.
- No, I didn't.
You gotta come up with your own voice.
That's my thing.
- I don't have a cool voice like you.
- Come up with a character.
You're a Texas oil tycoon guy.
You have, like, a moustache...
Don't shame me.
Let's sit down. Come on.
So we can get down to business and then
get back to the business of getting down.
Now, that's what I'm talking about.
Let's get down!
Captain Doby, you're not right.
But today is right.
Can I see a show of hands?
I'm talking to everyone in this room.
How many of us have made a mistake?
- Guilty.
- Yeah.
You know, I believe it was our buddy
Bill Shakespeare who said...
..."To err is human, but to forgive,
well, that's right on. "
That's exactly why
we're here today.
Because everyone out there
deserves a second chance. Everyone.
Thank you. I didn't say it.
Bill Shakespeare did.
Some of these guys were
in our surveillance.
- I know.
- Check out the guy behind us.
Already did.
You think he's got the stuff here?
- Where?
- I'd like to thank Bay City Volkswagen...
...for donating seven brand-new cars
to our annual fundraising raffle.
Thank you, Bay City Volkswagen.
Okay, everybody. Go ahead,
pull out your ticket stubs.
Hope you held onto it. Hate to have your
number called and have it left behind.
Because this train's
leaving the station.
Tonight's first winner. 63.
- Hot damn, that baby's mine!
- Congratulations.
That's one of his guys.
- Thank you very much.
- Just wait here.
We've got a winner, a new car owner.
Let him hear it.
He's gonna ride home in class.
The car. Cocaine is in the car.
He's doing it in front of everybody.
- He's not that stupid.
- No, but he's that arrogant. Trust me.
Number 117.
- Go.
- Right on! Yeah.
Yes!
- Thank you very much.
- Sit. Now. Do it. Do it.
Old Shakes McGinty did it!
Yes! Unbelievable!
I'm a-richer, and I'm gonna kiss you.
Get your hands off. I think...
I don't...
My friend won. Give him the car. Do it.
- Do what?
- The kid's from Texas.
I don't know if he has a license.
He rides a horse.
Do you have a ticket?
I need it to give you the car.
- You gotta trust the kid.
- I can't, cowboy.
I need to see the ticket.
Pop the trunk.
Let's get that new car smell.
- Who wants a whiff of that new car smell?
- Let's smell it!
That's what I'm talking about. Come on.
Pop the trunk. Seriously, do it. Do it.
- Do it.
- Listen, jackass.
Either give me a ticket or get the
hell off the stage. You dig that?
- Guys.
- Pop the trunk, candy man.
You heard him.
Pop it.
What the hell are you two doing?
Pop it!
You screwed it up once already, Starsky.
Like you said, Feldman,
everyone deserves a second chance.
What have we here?
Does this look familiar? Some cocaine.
Captain Doby, I suggest you take
this to the lab, get it analyzed...
- Hutch!
- All right, freeze! Everybody, freeze!
- Put your hands where I can see them!
- Relax, pal. Relax!
- Let's do it!
- Put that gun down or I'll kill your friend.
- Reese, what are we doing?
- Do it now! Put it down!
I got a clean shot.
I need permission.
No! No, Starsky.
I can do it. Just move
your head to the left.
No can do. You don't have my permission,
partner. I can't give it to you.
- Your nuts are mine, Feldman.
- No, they're not! Your nuts are yours.
Starsky, listen to me. I don't wanna die.
And I'm not giving you my permission.
Please, put it down.
Put it down. Down.
Okay. All right. You're right.
It's too close.
Oh, thank God.
Stay down!
Doby?
- Come on, let's move it! Let's go!
- What?
Walk away. Walk away. Let's go.
- Cap, are you okay?
- Yeah, I just got my wing clipped.
- Who the hell shot me?
- I'm sorry. I was trying to get...
Starsky! It was Reese Feldman.
Reese Feldman hit you, the son of a bitch.
Well, go get him!
- Is somebody coming?
- No, we're on vacation.
- What's going on?
- Gotta go.
Oh, my God!
- Baby, look out!
- Look, I wanna hit him!
- You okay?
- Yeah!
- Watch out for the bunker!
- I don't know what a bunker is!
It's a sand trap.
- Go faster!
- I'm going fast. I got it floored.
- Dogleg right up here on the par three.
- What?
- Watch the bunker!
- What bunker?
Jesus!
Come on. Pay attention.
Hey! Get out of here!
- Move that ice cream truck now!
- No, you move.
- Bay City P.D. Move it!
- Let's go.
Grab those and meet me
in the marina. Let's go. Move!
If you guys are cops,
let's see some badge.
- We don't have any badges.
- Show him your gun.
Come on! Come on, move!
- Come on, hurry up, let's go!
- They're coming!
Come on, these two with the running
and the chasing. Stop! Go home.
Goodbye, heroes!
- To the shipping yard!
- Got a boat?
- No, but I got an idea.
Hey, watch out!
- Okay, now what?
- Okay, we're gonna take this car...
...and land it on that boat.
- You wanna crash the car into his boat?
- No, I wanna land it on that boat.
Now, go.
- Go!
- I can't do it.
This is unbelievable. Here you get
me out here to risk my life...
...and now you tell me you
can't do this? I'm a quitter, but...
- You're crying again.
- I'm not crying. This is different.
It's my mother. She always used to say that
this was too much car for me to handle.
- She said that?
- Couldn't handle the V8.
- I don't know, maybe she was right.
- Hey, look at me. Look at me.
I am not your mother.
I'm your partner.
Now, go!
Go!
- Things could go pretty wrong, so I...
- Keep your eyes on the road.
Listen to me, Ken. If we don't make it,
this... You know, us...
- It's been good.
- It's been great.
Now, will you stop talking
and hit that boat.
It's not a boat, it's a yacht.
Son of a bitch!
- Come on, are you kidding me?
- Oh, my God. We almost just got killed.
Thanks for pointing out something
I couldn't notice. You're a benefit to have.
We should save them.
- Son of a bitch!
- Nice plan!
You gave it too much gas
and you overshot it.
- Car has a lot of horsepower. I'll go get it.
- What are you doing? Stop it.
Starsky!
- It hasn't hit the bottom yet.
- Stop, stop, damn it! Listen to me.
It's gone, okay? It's over.
- But it's my car.
- I know it is, partner. I know it is.
Oh, my God, honey.
That was so incredible.
I feel like my adrenaline is just...
You and me, babe. We are such
a good team, don't you think?
I mean, this is just the beginning. We could
go so far, honey. I feel so exhilarated.
- Come on!
- What was that?
Son of a bitch.
What is it, Reese?
Who are you?
I found your 9-iron, bitch.
That's for putting hands on Huggy Bear.
Nobody touches the Bear, you dig?
Yeah. Now, these will work.
What have we here?
Now, that's what I'm talking about.
- We don't really do private shows.
- But I'm a good friend of Huggy Bear.
- It's kind of against cheerleading policy.
- You need to change that policy.
You know what I can't figure out?
How the hell did you know
to get on that boat?
When your two boys put me on
that undercover golf course mission...
...that cat, Reese? All he did
was talk about that damn yacht.
And like I say, why go to the starting line
when you can go straight to the finish?
"Straight to the finish. "
I like that, man. I like that.
Are you interested in doing
any undercover work?
- Not the least.
- Captain, let me borrow him for a second.
The weird thing is, one of those briefcases
with $5 million just up and vanished.
Oh, what is this, a brand-new fur coat?
Look at this thing.
Yeah, I inherited some money
from a dead uncle of mine.
Is that right? I didn't even
know you had an uncle.
Well, I did.
And he was rich as hell too, baby.
- Chin up, little man.
- I think he's still upset about the car.
Come on, let's get up.
You're going outside.
- No, thanks.
- We're taking you out.
- We're gonna get you cleaned up.
- I don't feel like it.
I know these two white dudes that got
a car that you might be interested in.
- I don't want another car, Hug.
- Come on, at least take a look.
My car. Where did you...?
Hey, Hutch, who the hell
are these guys?
I don't know, but I get
a good vibe from them.
So you selling the car?
Well, actually, your friend here
has already paid for it.
I owe you one, Huggy.
- All right.
- Come on, give him the keys.
Thank you. Thank you.
With this transmission,
you really wanna jump the clutch.
- I usually...
- From second to fourth. I got it.
- Right.
- Come in, Zebra 3. We have a 420.
Please respond.
This is Zebra 3. We're on it.
Hutch, let's roll.
I think he means you.
- Good luck.
- Allow me.
- All right, thank you.
- You're welcome.
All right.
Hey!
Not the...
- How does it feel?
- It feels pretty good.
I'm gonna take it slow,
get the feel of it.
No, no, that's smart. Do that.
- Starsky.
- Hang on.
- No. No!
- Hang on!
I understand you can lose keys.
You can lose your wallet.
How do you lose a plane?
Reese, what do you want me to do?
We got three out of four planes in.
That's a lot of coke.
Now, that's the kind of winning attitude
that'll take this enterprise to the top.
In all fairness, Reese, it wasn't his fault.
Are you his attorney?
Why are you in the conversation?
Come on, I'm kidding!
- I'm just kidding with you.
- He loves to joke.
Terrence here is absolutely right.
I mean, hell, three out of four ain't bad.
Let's celebrate. Who wants a beer?
- Great!
- Okay.
- Baby!
- Coke. It costs money.
Planes. They cost money.
This yacht, this perm, my kid's braces, it all
costs money. Do you think Kitty's free?
Kitty, turn around. Turn around!
Reese, please put the gun down.
Now, the next time that a plane
goes down, you better be on it.
Will you do my back, please?
- Sure.
- I don't wanna tan weird.
- Am I tanning weird?
- No.
- Honestly.
- You're bronzing.
There's no such thing
as a petty crime.
No minor infractions.
There's only the law.
Freeze! Bay City P.D.!
That's me in the leather jacket
and tight jeans.
See that guy I'm chasing?
I hate him.
And I'll do everything
in my power to stop him.
Wanna play, let's play.
Because it's my job to stop him.
Goddamn!
And the city pays me a damn
good salary to do my job.
Besides, he crossed the line.
And in Bay City,
when you cross the line...
...your nuts are mine.
I said, freeze!
My name is David Starsky,
and I'm a cop.
I've always had this theory
about police work:
If you can't beat them, join them.
No! No! No!
Put the money in there.
Too many cops worry about
the wrong thing: Crime.
Not me, though.
I'm looking out for numero uno.
- Hey, old-timer. Put this on Dallas.
- Come on! Let's go!
I'm just a realist, that's all.
And besides, you have any idea
how little the city pays us?
Freeze! Bay City P.D.!
Take it easy.
Guys, come on.
I'm undercover here.
My name is Ken Hutchinson,
and I'm a cop.
Where did they come from?
Jesus Christ, Starsky.
You fired three rounds
into a crowded intersection.
We got a man with a broken hip...
...and some asshole wants
a new top for his Caddy?
That purse had $ 7 in it.
- Okay, want my badge? Here, take it.
- Fine.
Come on. I was just making a point.
David, David.
Your mother was one of the finest cops
Bay City ever seen.
Twenty-two years on the force
with the same partner.
You have had 12 partners
over the past four years.
She died a legend.
I am not my mother!
I'm sorry.
Detective Hutchinson is here.
Send him in. Have a seat.
- How you doing, captain?
- I believe you two know each other.
Yeah, a little bit. How you doing?
- Yeah, right.
- Hutch.
You've got a lot of explaining to do.
I know. Look, I was trying to infiltrate
one of the East Side gangs...
...and work my way up
to the big fish. It's simple.
- You were robbing a bookie.
- That's right.
You've robbed seven bookies.
You haven't filed a report, turned
in any money or arrested anybody.
How can I? They'll know I'm a cop.
I wouldn't worry, you won't
be mistaken for a real cop.
Oh, really? Why don't you go get yourself
another perm and let the grownups talk.
- My hair is naturally curly.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
- That's a perm job, all the way.
Touch it!
Hey! Why are you touching him?
Jesus!
You know something?
You two deserve each other.
Make nice. You're partners.
- You're crazy.
- No, I'm not.
I don't know why you're so upset.
The guy cost us 200 grand.
A "thank you" might be more appropriate.
Who cares about 200 grand?
What if they link us to the murder?
- They won't link us to the murder.
- You don't know that.
Will you let it go, please? Jesus.
- Take a lude. Calm down.
- I did, and I'm still pissed.
Okay, fine. Fine, fine.
Look, I'm sorry, all right?
I promise, I'm not gonna kill Terrence
again. Now, pull it together.
Let's go.
Gentlemen, I apologize
about the delay.
But I promise you what we have
is worth the wait.
- It looks like cocaine.
- That's because it is cocaine.
With a twist. You see,
we've managed to find a way...
...to alter the cell structure
of the coca plant...
...giving it a heightened
perfluoralkylation process...
...creating a new kind
of diazomethane.
Gets a little complicated after that.
Excuse me.
So do you get extra high or what?
Actually, it has all the same
effects as regular cocaine.
Well, if it's the same,
why are we here?
Canis familiaris. The German shepherd.
Its nose has over
It can detect smells that even the most
advanced technology in the world cannot.
For example:
Lvan, search!
Lvan, stop!
What do you got? You holding?
He brought old coke.
This is new coke.
As far as a dog's concerned, there's nothing
there. 100 percent undetectable cocaine.
Got no coke smell...
...same coke ride.
Tastes kind of sweet.
If this shit wasn't illegal, guys,
we'd be up for the Nobel Prize.
Our initial run pumped out
two tons of this stuff...
...and it'll be available
in about three weeks.
You boys know who to call.
Ivan!
You don't understand.
They're not like you.
They're criminals.
Look, I know we all
got to make living.
But these guys, they are dealing
hard drugs right in front of my shop.
I can dig what you're saying,
Mr. Chowdury.
- I wanna thank you for coming in today.
- Of course.
Those gentlemen you speak of,
they'll no longer be a problem.
You have my word.
This is my neighborhood.
People tend to forget that.
Bee Bee, make sure
he gets home safely.
- Yeah, boss.
- Thank you very much, Huggy.
You are a great man.
- Begone, little Indian.
- Let's go, little man. Come on.
Taking up time.
- This neighborhood is in need of some help.
- It's cold-blooded, daddy.
- Who's next?
- You got Hutch waiting outside.
- What you got my man waiting outside for?
- He brought some extra fuzz with him.
So what? You go get him
and get him in here now.
You've never run an errand
on the clock before?
I take care of my personal business after
work, when the taxpayers aren't paying me.
Give me a break. You've never
stopped to buy a cup of coffee?
I bring a Thermos.
Okay, Hutch. He'll see you now.
Wait here, I'll be back in five minutes.
Second door on the right.
- How you doing?
- Hi, Hutch.
- Hey, look what the wind blew in.
- Huggy Bear.
Hey, I want you to meet
my new partner, David Starsky.
Hey, how you doing?
Hey, nobody touches the Bear.
Have a seat.
- Hutch, the usual?
- You know it. Make it a double.
Get my boy a Jack and Tab.
- And double that.
- You got it, boss.
- I'll get a seltzer with lime, if you got it.
- I don't got it.
Or not. It's cool. I'm good.
I just came by to apologize
for what happened in Chinatown.
Let me tell you,
I was as surprised as you were.
Don't sweat it, baby.
I wasn't surprised.
You know I ain't never surprised.
Hey, champ.
You got a permit for that weapon
you're carrying?
Starsky, please.
No, I don't.
Yeah, me neither.
I'm sorry, did I say something
that was funny?
- Stop it. He's kidding.
- No, I'm not kidding.
I wanna see permits
or I'm taking those weapons.
Slow up, man.
Around here, we govern ourselves.
Think of us like Luxembourg.
- You dig?
- No, I don't dig.
See, Luxembourg's
a constitutional monarchy...
...a sovereign state established
after the Treaty of Vienna.
Technically, it's a part of Europe.
But in reality, they govern themselves.
- Like us.
- Just like us.
All right, enough, okay?
- Shit!
- Hold up! Hold up!
Just chill out! Chill!
Watch yourself.
- Oh, no. Hell, no.
- You okay?
What happened?
Did he shoot Corky?
Your boy shot his tail off.
- He lost his tail?
- You should keep it in a terrarium.
- Man, what the hell is a terrarium?
- What's a terrarium?
It's an artificial ecosystem designed
to simulate Corky's natural habitat.
Well, I can dig that.
But I say we shoot him in the ass.
Oh, hell, yeah.
An eye for an eye.
Take it easy.
Huggy, help me out here.
Slow up, fellas. An iguana can lose
his tail and grow it back.
He regenerates.
That's how he escapes his predator.
It's true. It's a defense mechanism.
I read it in a magazine.
So him shooting Corky's tail off
and us shooting him in the ass...
...it really ain't the same thing.
- No, the punishment don't fit the crime.
And besides,
it was an accident, right?
Right.
- So we're cool.
- We're always cool, breeze.
Lower your pieces.
Good morning, Bay City, you are tuned
in to KBA Y, 93.3 on your dial.
This next tune is number eight on
the charts and number one in our hearts.
Hey, Hutch!
Oh, there he is.
What's going on, Willis?
Same old, same old.
So how's life at the clink
treating you?
It's not that great.
I got some new tight-ass partner
that they stuck me with and then...
I don't know. Hopefully...
It's probably not gonna last that long.
- So got that $20 you owe me?
- 20?
Willis, I thought it was 5.
Hutch, that was my grandmother's
birthday money.
Come on, give me a break, okay?
I just told you I got a new partner.
Stuff isn't great for me down at the
precinct. You know, back off for a second.
- Can I get it to you on Thursday?
- Fine, but no later than Thursday.
No later than Thursday.
Word of honor.
Cute little kid.
It's 10:00. You're late.
I've been here since 8.
Well, don't sweat it, because crime called
in sick. It's gonna get a late start too.
"Crime called in sick," I like that.
- So, what's on the agenda today?
- Same as every day.
- Finding bad guys, bringing them down.
- Great. Take my car, right there.
- That?
- Yeah.
- What the hell is that?
- It's like a camper/pickup truck.
- What's the matter?
- We're undercover.
- That thing sticks out like a sore thumb.
- You think so?
You're in for a treat.
It's not that bad.
Man, your stock just went up
in my book, my friend.
Pop the hood. Let's see
what you got under...
Hotshot, what do you think you're doing?
This is a Ford Gran Torino, okay?
It's not some crappy camper/apartment.
There are rules.
- Okay, okay.
- You do not bang on the hood.
You never, under any circumstances, drive.
You will not put your coffee mug
on the roof. Okay?
No coffee in the car whatsoever. Coffee
on the ground, you get in the car, we go.
Attention, all units.
We've got a 61-40 at Bay City Marina.
Oh, no.
This is Zebra 3.
We're on it. Hang on.
You gotta be kidding me. No way.
- What?
- Floater.
Nothing harder to solve than a floater.
No prints, body's usually bloated...
...it's next to impossible.
All right, I say we push it out...
...hope the current
takes it to the next precinct.
- What?
- You'll thank me for this one.
- Hey, seriously, stop it.
- The key is not to pop it.
- Hey.
- You gotta be very ginger.
- What are you doing?
- I said, drop the stick.
You point a gun at me?
Okay, fine, have it your way.
Knock yourself out.
- What are you gonna solve, anyway?
- I'm gonna solve a murder.
Monday, June 3rd. Male Caucasian body,
apparently dumped from the Bay Bridge.
Actually, there's no sign of impact,
so he was probably just dropped out at sea.
Could you please not talk
while I'm recording?
Thank you.
All right, I'm just gonna call
in the meat wagon, all right?
Looks like you punched
your last ticket, amigo.
I'm sorry, did you just tough-talk
a dead body?
I lost my flow.
- Zebra 3 to base.
- Dispatch. Go ahead, Zebra 3.
We're gonna need a coroner notification.
We got a DB down at municipal jetty.
10-4, will inform.
Tell them to bring a body bag
and some galoshes. He's a wet one.
Copy that, Starsky.
Found a wallet.
Nothing in it.
- Medium-rare, okay?
- You got it.
Look at all these cops.
You wanna eat here?
It's a great place.
Pop's? Come on.
"If you're one of the cops,
eat at Pop's. "
- Okay, hot stuff.
- Zebra 3.
2- 11 in progress, please respond.
- Go for Starsky.
- Hurry, Starsky.
We got two perps holding up
a gumball machine on 5th Street.
- Let's go.
- A gumball machine?
- Lethal force if necessary!
Very funny, Manetti.
Hey, it's Captain and Tennille.
That means one of you would
actually have to make captain.
- Radio's for police business only.
- That's true. Why'd they give you one?
- Let's get out of here.
- Not that funny.
That Manetti really thinks he's something.
But you know what?
- He's not.
- Take it easy.
- You think that's funny?
- No, no, I mean, you just gotta rise above it.
- What do we got in the wallet?
- Not much.
Driver's license, couple receipts.
No cash whatsoever.
"Reese Feldman Corporation. "
What do you call that?
Terrence Meyers.
That name does sound vaguely familiar.
- Isn't he part of our Nearly There program?
- I think he is.
Terrence Meyers. Baby, isn't he
the guy dating a Bay City Kitty?
Remember?
We were joking about it.
Really? Bay City Kitty.
You mean the cheerleaders.
You happen to remember her name?
No, I don't.
- Can I get you boys anything else?
- We're good. Thank you so much, honey.
That's my angel. I love her.
A second ago you mentioned
the Nearly There Foundation. What is that?
That's a program that we set up
to help ex-cons get back on their feet.
Their parole requires them to have a job.
The Catch-22...
...is not that many people
are excited to hire a felon.
Those poor ex-cons,
they can't catch a break.
No, it's a vicious cycle
they get caught up in.
- Did you see the article in The New Times?
- Bet your ass I did. I love that writer.
But I'd be lying if I didn't say that we
get some pretty good tax breaks too.
There it is, the kicker.
- Just a perk.
- This sly dog here.
- What do you got?
- Tickets to our annual fundraiser.
- Be my guests.
- No, we can't accept gratuities.
It's against policy.
These don't look like gratuities, they look
like tickets. I'd be happy to accept.
Hey, what about Terrence?
Is he in some kind of trouble?
He's dead. His body washed up
in the marina this morning.
Oh, no.
"Punched his last ticket," as they say.
You know, you try to do all you can for
these guys, but it's just never enough, is it?
No, I guess it isn't.
- When was the last time you saw him?
- The last place I saw...
This is a nice boat.
- Reese, is this yours?
- Actually, that's a yacht.
- I'm sorry, a yacht.
- Excuse me, Hutch.
Can we please focus
on the investigation?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
I could use another one of these.
Right on! That was great, girls!
Take five!
- Let's go.
- Look alive. Here they come.
We usually don't allow spectators.
Even cute ones.
David Starsky, Bay City P.D.
My partner, Ken Hutchinson.
- Girls.
- They're so cute.
I'm Stacey. That's Holly.
God, I loved your moves out there.
Fantastic.
I've never dated a cop before.
My horoscope said I should
try new things today.
- Is that right?
- You're awful.
So, what brings you around here,
officers?
Well, you know, that depends.
Yeah. Either of you two know
a Terrence Meyers?
- Oh, yeah, Heather dated him.
- Oh, yeah.
The girl over there with the yellow top.
But they split up. We haven't seen him.
- Let's go ask Heather some questions.
- Thank you.
Be careful with those moves.
You could hurt someone.
Oh, that's why we practice.
Actually, I was talking about us.
Where did that come from?
- I would've tried the horoscope line.
- No, too obvious.
Hey!
- Wait up.
- See what I mean?
- Here's my number.
- In case you need us for...
...questioning.
Thank you, ladies.
- Bye.
- Bye.
He was always fascinated
by all that macho mobster bullshit.
I hope this is okay.
I need to make this quick.
- I gotta pick my kid up in 20 minutes.
- Oh, yeah, totally.
We were gonna move in together.
He promised he'd quit...
...that stuff after he got out.
But then he goes and gets himself killed.
He's such an asshole.
I can only imagine what you must
be going through. I think that...
Honestly, you know, if I knew what
he was up to, I'd be happy to tell you.
But we didn't talk much.
Yeah. So did you...?
When did he...? Did he...?
What did...?
- So Hutch, do you got any more questions?
- Yeah, well, sure. We could...
What's your sign?
Gemini.
What...
- What do you weigh?
- What does that have to do with anything?
It has everything to do with anything.
Just answer the question, please, ma'am.
Around 115, I guess,
give or take a pound or two.
- I wish I could be more helpful.
- Stop.
Don't do that. You've been great. I mean,
it's terrific. We got what we needed.
Anything else?
- I'm good.
- Yeah.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Oh, wait. I don't know if this
will be of any help. It's his.
Take it. I don't want it.
Okay. Thank you. Again.
- Things getting any better at work, Hutch?
- Actually, work was pretty good today.
- How about you? Anything new?
- Nope.
You get a chance to ask that girl out?
I want you to meet
my new partner, David Starsky.
Nice to meet you.
Is this the dickweed
you were telling me about?
Look, just shake his hand.
Come on.
Go on, hop in. Willis.
- Dickweed?
- His mom works late on Wednesdays...
...so I kind of look after him.
- You take a kid out on patrol with you?
- Yeah, that's what we do, isn't it, Willis?
- Patrol!
- Whatever you say, Hutch.
Damn!
- Man, this thing is bad!
- Don't encourage him.
Oh, shit.
Starsky, this your ride?
Damn. You just moved up
a notch in my book.
That puts you at notch one.
- I like your Lincoln.
- It's a '76. It won't be out till next year.
I know people that know people
that robbed some people.
So, what do you hear
on the street these days?
Dig this. A little bird tells me there's
gonna be a big coke deal in Bay City.
- One for the Guinness Books, so they say.
- Interesting.
- Who would this little bird be?
- Look, I lay it out for y'all to play it out.
All right. What does that mean?
- Don't worry about it.
- Huggy, what can you tell us about this?
This looks like the work of Big Earl.
This boy loves dragons.
He makes these with his hands, you know?
There's his name stitched right up
under the dragon's belly.
- Big Earl?
- Yeah, he sews, but he's one tough mother.
He owns a biker bar about
Biker bar?
What goes on down there?
I don't know. Listen to Jim Croce...
...play darts, whatever the hell else
you white people do.
Look, fuzz, I gots to buzz.
This meeting is adjourned.
- That's it?
- That's it.
- He lays it out for us to play it out.
- Oh, and by the way, this little meeting?
- It never happened.
- What meeting?
C'est la vie, gentlemen.
- Great new technique
where you press hard.
- Hands. What, it's a verbal technique?
- No.
Keep your hands on me, I'm teasing.
- What do you got on those cops?
- Everything.
- Records, home addresses, credit history.
- Nice.
- Starsky and Hutchinson?
- They call him Hutch, actually.
I don't have enough
on my plate already?
I got a major coke deal, my daughter's
bat mitzvah, which is a total nightmare.
- And now these two guys.
- You think they're on to us?
They are investigating a murder. That's
what cops do. It's why we pay taxes.
You're the worst. You kidding?
Will you look at these two guys?
He's cute, the blond.
But I like dark hair.
Maybe we ought to push
this whole thing.
- Till things cool off?
- Kevin, please, with the worry.
We're moving ahead as scheduled.
I'll handle those two clowns.
So tomorrow, I say we check out
this biker bar, do a little deep cover.
Sounds good.
Who does your wig work?
- I'm sorry, my what?
- Your wig work.
Your undercover work, your disguises.
- You have a wig guy?
- Oh, yeah, he's incredible.
Well, if it isn't Sonny and Cher.
- Sonny and Cher.
- Sit on it, Manetti.
- Me sit on it?
- Yeah, you, sit on it.
Why don't you sit on it, Starsky,
how's that sound?
You wish.
Because I'm never sitting on it, ever.
That's not what I heard.
- Starsky!
- Come on. Come on!
- Jesus!
- Stop it!
What the hell is going on?
Cool your jets, Starsky!
Everybody, back off!
Including you, Manetti.
I apologize, captain.
You're absolutely right.
You know, you're not even worth it,
Starsky. And for the record...
...those are hand towels.
The big towels are on the top shelf.
Hand towels. What a rod.
Jesus Christ. He's right.
Go cover up.
Who are you guys?
My name's Kansas.
And this is my little man Toto.
We're Jesters from up in Big Cliff, coming
down and check out your place. This it?
Is this your place?
- Yeah.
- Nice.
Tell me, if you two are Jesters,
what's our credo?
Credo.
Well...
You almost got me there.
There's no credo.
Other than the secret credo.
It ain't no secret.
It's written right on our damn crest.
A trick question? If it's printed on
the crest, you don't give it as a test.
Anybody can read the crest. That wouldn't
prove we're Jesters. Not cool.
- That's a fake mustache.
- Oh, really?
Well, I wonder if you
think this is fake.
- Now, we got some questions!
- I don't gotta give you nothing, cop!
Wrong! First, you've gotta
give me a little respect.
Second, you're gonna give me some
answers, comprende, muchacho?
- I like your style.
- I like your moves.
Now, where were we?
You were gonna tell us
about Terrence Meyers.
Who's Terrence Meyers?
- Wrong answer, Big Earl.
- Big Earl? I'm not Big Earl.
- I'm Jeff.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- Jeff?
- No one's who they say they are.
Look.
Honest, think about it.
I'm not even big.
Yeah. No, that's a good point.
Maybe it's an ironic name, like
Tiny over in Vice. He's, like, 8 feet tall.
- Everybody says he's tiny...
- I know, except this guy's normal size.
He'd have to be a lot smaller
for a name like Big Earl to be ironic.
You don't have to be a midget.
You're not exactly...
- How tall are you?
- I don't know, 5'9"?
- Well, that is kind of... Basically...
- Borderline. It's average.
Look. Big Earl got pinched two weeks ago.
He's in Bay City Correctional.
I took over the bar till he gets out.
Jeff, I'm sorry.
We apologize.
We're gonna pay Big Earl a visit.
Let me get this for you.
There you go. Good as new.
A word of advice:
Next time you watch a place...
...don't claim you own it
because you watch it.
I housesit for my sister all the time,
it's not like I claim that I own her house.
That goes for all y'all.
Don't pretend to be
something you're not.
Just be who you are.
That's what's really cool.
How did you get in?
Visiting hours are over.
Special treatment.
We got some questions
about Terrence Meyers.
- Terrence Meyers?
- Yeah.
You made this jacket for him?
Gee whiz, I don't seem to know anyone
by that name at all.
Hard customer.
Offer him a radio or some bullshit.
Maybe we can make your stay
a little more comfortable.
- Nice transistor radio for your cell?
- No.
- How about a TV?
- I tell you what.
I do like your blonde friend, here.
Let me see your bellybutton.
No. What... Let's go. Come on.
- No, listen.
- No, no! I'm not...
Hold on.
He's obviously a freak.
Just show him a little skin.
Show him your stomach.
Nobody's here.
Come on.
- Are we cool?
- Yes, we're cool.
Oh, eureka.
God, that's nice.
It's like a little bowl of oatmeal
with a hole in it.
- I got one too.
- Oh, come on.
I just got a little more
brown sugar on mine.
Did you say "Terrence Meyers"?
Yeah, I think I did make that jacket.
We might have pulled a job together.
What job? Who were you working for?
Stand up. Walk to the back
and do a spin for me.
Wait a second.
I just showed you my stomach...
Come on, a deal's a deal, Earl.
Fine, then this conversation is over.
Wait. Wait.
- Hold it. Come on. Wait.
- I can't hear you.
Get up.
- Tell him to take his jacket off.
- Take your jacket off.
- Slow spin.
- He says to do a slow spin.
Tell him to arch his back
and then look back at me, mean.
Like a dragon.
He says to arch your back
and look back at him, mean, like a dragon.
But keep it mean.
Tell him great job.
He can sit down.
You're a very convincing dragon.
You should feel good about that.
Just get this over with.
Okay, here's the deal.
Terrence and I worked as extra muscle
for a couple of dealers.
I'd like to tell you who,
but I don't know.
I never got a name,
I never got a face.
But I do know one thing:
They paid us in coke.
I was pretty pissed at the time.
I was hoping to get cash.
I'm no coke dealer.
Right, so where's the coke?
If we find that coke,
we can probably trace it.
Fine. Fine.
Look, I like you guys, okay?
Especially you. Okay?
Don't feel bad about that.
But I like you guys, so I'll tell you.
But...
But first I need to see something, okay?
And it's gonna involve both of you.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
It's gonna get weird.
Two dragons.
Ready? Both of you, take your shirts off.
But do it slow.
I guess it's supposed
to rain later tonight.
Yeah, that's what I heard.
- Look, you know, what happened...
- Can we please not talk about this, Hutch?
We got the coke.
Let's not ever talk about it.
You're right.
That's a good policy.
We got what we came for.
- You think dragons ever...
- Stop, I don't want to talk about it!
What the hell is wrong with you two?
- Come on, what are you...?
- You have brought disgrace...
...on everyone who's
ever worn a uniform.
My God.
- We didn't know there was a camera.
- Cap, we're sorry.
At least we got the stash.
There's gotta be 30 grams
of coke here, minimum.
This could lead us to the dealers
that iced Terrence Meyers.
It's evidence.
We can print the bag, run forensics.
We did.
We got nothing.
What we got is a bag
of artificial sweetener.
What are you talking about?
My granny wouldn't think
this was coke.
Come on, that's impossible.
We got the stuff from Big Earl.
- I'm taking you two off this floater.
- What?
- I'm giving it to Manetti.
- Manetti? Oh, come on, cap!
- Manetti's the worst cop on the force!
- Starsky. Stop.
Go on, sit down.
Come on.
Look, captain, we're sorry, but come on.
You can't take us off this.
I just did. Now, leave.
And take your bag
of artificial sweetener with you.
- Kicking the chair was a nice touch.
- Yeah, too bad it didn't work.
He'll get over it.
What I can't figure out is why Earl
got paid with bunk cocaine.
Now we've got two leads.
- We do?
- Stacey and Holly.
- Those two cheerleaders?
- No, no, those two witnesses.
They met Terrence.
Let's take them out,
see what we can learn.
I mean, is it our fault that they also
happen to be a couple of hot foxes?
Reese, I couldn't help myself.
They were cops.
- They were just too macho.
- Macho?
- It's simple. You should have lied.
- I did. I lied about you.
I didn't tell them anything.
But I had to give them something.
They were so pure.
You're lucky you're in the joint.
Do you understand me?
- Look at the bright side.
- Bright side?
It's the ultimate test.
The coke was in the police station.
They cleared it.
You should be happy.
Well, guess what?
I'm not happy.
I'm not happy at all about it, Earl!
Don't shush me!
Don't tell me to calm down!
- Understand?
- What are you wearing? Quick.
What am I wearing?
Silk flowered shirt and a vest. Why?
That's gorgeous.
- You sick son of a bitch.
- Don't hang up. Don't hang up!
God. Some people.
I'm not gonna be able
to fit in my uniform tomorrow.
Is that a good or bad thing?
Is this the way you two
always treat witnesses?
Well, that depends. If it's a misdemeanor,
we've been known to skip the fondue...
...and move right to foot massages.
Let me see.
Watch out! Wait a minute,
I think that's police brutality.
- Anybody for some coffee?
- No, thanks.
Okay, one for le chef.
Wow. This place is great.
It serves my needs.
It's cozy. Homey.
- Can you help me find the sugar?
- It's there.
Hutch, help me find the sugar.
- Okay. Pardon me.
- Okay.
- How we doing?
- Great.
- Your fondue put us over the top.
- Really?
Which one do you like?
We're gonna stick to this.
- I have a thing for blondes.
- Good. I'll take anything.
They're sweet little angels.
In two minutes,
I want you to grab my guitar...
...bring it to me,
put it in my hands and step back.
- You play?
- Just bring me the guitar.
Wait. Hey, hey, where's the sugar?
I don't think I have any.
- That's great. He's a cop.
- Come here.
- Both of you.
- You're so funny.
It's like a magpie convention in here.
Let's get the cup out.
Thank you, Big Earl.
Do you ever get scared out there,
on the streets?
Yeah. I'd like to say no,
but the truth is, I do sometimes.
I'm one of those guys that's more about
helping others than helping myself.
- There we go.
- It's all I knew.
It's more that there's someone
I might not be able to help.
A citizen that needs aid,
or even an animal.
- Look what I found.
- Put that away. Put it away!
Hutch, you gotta play.
Come on. Play, play. Please.
Don't you wanna play?
Come on. Hutch!
All right. Holly, turn off the music.
- Now, come on!
- Oh, sorry.
Look alive. Let's go.
- Hutch is gonna play.
- What have you gotten me into, Starsky?
- Thought we were partners.
- Come on, Hutch!
One, two, three.
- That was great, Hutch!
- Come on, you guys.
It was just a guy here with a guitar,
singing his heart out.
Starsky's bored.
- Anybody else bored?
- What?
- A club could be fun.
- Club. Yeah.
Okay, I'll get some more coffee
and then we'll go.
Is he okay?
Isn't this place great?
Do you like places like this?
You're a cheerleader,
so you're dancing in formation.
This place can't be fun,
because it's like you're at work.
Are you okay?
You seem kind of wound up.
Wound up?
No, I'm just pumped. I'm excited.
Rock-solid, ready to go. A little bit
paranoid, but feeling really good.
- Can I kiss you?
- Okay.
- Watch it, man.
- Excuse me?
I said, watch it. Floor's for dancing.
You can tell by the lights.
- Wanna tangle, curly?
- Come on. No.
- No, we're gonna dance.
- No, no, no.
Curly wants to tangle.
- Do you really want a piece of this?
- I don't want a piece.
I want the whole thing.
Yeah!
- Oh, my, folks!
- Please don't do this.
- Don't worry. I can take him.
- It's not that.
You shouldn't do this
because it's so lame.
Tonight, our own Dancing Rick
is being called out...
...by new guy David Stamsky.
- No, no, Starsky.
Back at you.
If you've got a pair of sunglasses...
...I'd put them on, because I got a feeling
these two are gonna light it up!
Boz, reel it in!
All right, settle down.
Everybody settle.
You know the rules.
Keep it safe, keep it sexy...
...and above all, turn up the night!
Dancing Rick getting warmed up here.
What's he gonna bring out
for the appetizer course?
Oh, it's a little hand-over-hand tuggle, man,
right into the center of the floor.
That's all he's giving him.
That's a bucketful of confidence.
Over to new guy David Starsky.
This guy could be trouble.
It's the Wild West.
Those are six-guns full of sexy.
The good, the bad and the groovy.
One, two, three, four,
we've got disco war, folks.
Dancing Rick's going, "I don't like you,
but I respect your moves. "
Here comes Starsky again.
Driving that disco big rig.
Shift gears, blow your funky horn.
Pull into the truck stop and get yourself
some scrapple made out of sexy.
Disco Rick brings it right back
and he's not wasting any time, folks.
From the future of 1984,
that's a funky disco robot.
They're both on the floor, folks,
eye to eye. It's disco Vietnam.
Neither one's blinking or backing down.
Let's see what happens.
Angry cat.
Kitten has claws.
All right, looks like it's over.
Remember, $2 Harvey Wall...
Oh, my God!
David Starsky, taking it over the line!
How about that?
Very sexy, very macho.
But that's a little too close to call.
We'll have to depend on our patented
American Lights Applause-O-Meter.
So let's bring out our combatants, folks.
Come on, big hand for them.
Here we go.
First off, over to my man,
Dancing Rick.
And over to the new guy,
David Starsky.
Folks, pretty close.
I hate to do this...
...but I gotta give it to my man
Dancing Rick.
Boo! Boo!
What? Hey, hey, do it again!
That's B.S.
- What?
- I won. Do the applause thing again!
It was just for fun. Forget it...
- I said, do it again, liar!
- Not cool, not cool!
- Liar! Do it again!
- All right.
Hey, hey, settle down.
Settle down.
I'm a cop. It's cool.
It's okay.
It's okay, it's okay!
Calm down, people.
Bay City P.D.
We got him.
We're gonna get you home.
- Where am I?
- You were freaking out.
- I had to take you down.
- What?
There we go.
Easy does it.
Here we go.
I think I was drugged.
Sounds like you did coke.
I mean, from what I've read
about the effects.
I don't use coke.
I had coffee tonight.
- What is that?
- Sweetener, right?
The stuff from Earl?
What are you doing with this?
- Hutch?
- Where'd you get this?
- I beat that guy. What was that about?
- You did.
- You won. You danced your heart out.
- And everybody saw it.
- Sleep.
- I was robbed.
I know. We was robbed.
We was robbed.
Go to sleep.
Go to sleep, tiny dancer. All right.
Jesus Christ.
- Is he okay?
- Oh, yeah, he's okay.
He just needs to sleep it off.
Quite a night, huh?
You can say that again.
Guess it's kind of winding down.
- Well, it doesn't have to be over.
- What do you mean?
Where did that come from?
I just want you to know,
I really like your partner.
- I know, he's such a good guy.
- This is just, like, whatever.
I don't think we even have to judge it.
It's too natural.
- Okay.
- It's just...
You guys wanna kiss? Yeah.
I hear somebody stirring.
There he is.
I feel for you.
Jesus! Please, turn that off!
Easy, killer.
Just a blender.
- What time is it?
- Time for Hutch's hangover cure.
- What's in it?
- Pepto-Bismol, Aunt Jemima mix...
...Tang and a little flat Tab.
Most important thing.
And a raw egg.
Saves lives. Trust me.
And?
- It's good.
- What did I tell you?
Sorry about last night.
- Thanks for taking care of the girls.
- Hey, no problem. Happy to do it.
What are partners for?
Speaking of which...
...I checked this stuff out and even though
it tastes like sugar, that is cocaine.
- You sure?
- I'm sure...
...Stacey's sure, Holly's sure...
How do you like your eggs?
Didn't Huggy mention something
about a coke deal going down?
"One for the Guinness Book,"
was how he put it.
Seems like a big coincidence.
Why don't I drive?
You don't look good.
No. If I'm alive, I drive.
Rhyming already, you must be...
- You okay?
- I'm fine.
He blew out my fricking window!
All right! Enough with the car!
We get it!
Stop shooting my car!
Okay, cover me. Say when.
Go!
Zebra to base,
I want you to run a plate.
Larry, one, apple, nine, eight, four.
Larry, one, apple, nine, eight, four.
- Damn it!
- You okay?
Look at this! This is horrible!
What kind of world do we live in
where somebody does this?
Well, I think he was aiming at us.
Think this is funny?
Seriously, is this funny?
Zebra 3, we have an ID on that plate.
Lee M. Chau, 1325 Western.
- I repeat...
- Ready to dish out a little payback?
Freeze! Bay City P.D.!
- The hell was that?
- I think it's his kid.
All right, just sit tight, little boy.
Well, well, well, this looks familiar.
Possession of cocaine and
attempted murder, huh?
- Jesus!
- What was that?
That ain't a kid! It's a tiny little man!
And he's got knives! Goddamn!
- My arm!
- Oh, shit!
Make him stop! Make him stop!
Tell him to stop! Stop it!
Starsky! Starsky, we need to go now!
Come on!
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
All right, now...
Okay, time out. Let's just take a little break.
I'm gonna get out of here... Jeez!
Oh, mama! What is your problem?
I said, time out!
Hutch! A little help.
He pinned you good, partner.
On three. One, two...
Time to answer some questions,
old man.
Who's the little dwarf you got
throwing knives at me and my partner?
That was no dwarf. That was my son.
Liar!
Come on, you're going downtown.
Let's go, Starsky. On your feet!
Now, you wanna tell me
who hired you?
We have a saying in Koreatown.
It goes, "Kiss my yellow ass, copper!"
All right. You wanna play games?
I got a game for you, Chau.
Let's play a little Russian roulette.
We got a little saying here in Bay City:
"You cross the line...
...your nuts are mine. "
There's really a bullet in the gun.
- Yes, I know. That is the point...
- No, you don't understand.
- Let's play!
- The bullet went inside!
Come on, you wanna play,
let's play! Let's play!
- Your turn!
- No!
I thought you wanted to play. Come on,
Chau. You wanna play? Let's play a game!
- What are you doing? Jesus.
- Our little friend here is about to talk.
What in the holy...?
- All right, enough with the talking. Let's go.
- What? No! Starsky, no!
- You're crazy!
- Are you out of your mind?
Calm down.
Calm down? He tried to kill me. He shoot
everything. I have heart attack already.
It's over. It's over.
Just calm down.
- What?
- No, nothing. Nothing. This guy is funny.
- It's not about you.
- That's great. He can be your new partner.
Chau and Hutch. Sounds cool.
Forget it. All right, Chau, what else can
you tell me about the guys that hired you?
Not much. A couple of whiteys.
Nice suit. Perry Ellis.
They pay, I do job.
- What did they look like?
- I don't know.
They were white.
All you guys look alike to me.
That's funny, all you guys
look alike to us. Orientals.
So where'd you meet him?
We met... How do you say? By water.
- At the beach?
- No, no, no. On water.
- Right, a boat. You met on a boat.
- No, no, no. Not a boat.
It's a yacht.
Rock into womanhood, Elizabeth!
We know that you will.
- All right.
- What's that mean?
We have a special delivery for
the little lady. It's right over here.
Let's see what's inside.
- These pantomimes suck.
- Don't look at me. I didn't hire them.
- Well, who did?
- I don't know.
These pantomimes aren't very good.
This must be Reese's big surprise.
Look at me, guys,
I'm a mime too.
- Everyone's miming something.
- Embarrassing.
- Reese just left.
- I know.
- Stay here, I'll follow him.
- I'll follow him.
No, you stay. Keep them occupied.
You're doing great. They love you.
I might do the glass wall
one more time.
Boo!
Terrific. Tell him you like him, ask him to
sit by you at the cafeteria. How do I know?
What am I, your counselor? Yeah, I'd like
to get to the information that I need, okay?
It's done.
My buddy delivered the package. It's in
your garage. It's locked up nice and tight...
- ... in case anybody gets nosy.
- No one saw him?
Not a soul.
Now, about my fee...
You'll be paid as soon as I've
checked it out. If you'll excuse me...
- Reese, wait.
- What?
- Mazel tov, man.
- Thanks.
They grow up so fast.
- Go play dragon. I gotta go.
- All right. Big kisses.
Thank you, everybody, for coming out to
celebrate my little girl's bat mitzvah.
I should say "young woman. "
Lt'll take me a while to get used to that.
- This guy's good. Sweet.
- It's in his garage.
- What?
- The cocaine is in his garage.
- Are you sure?
- We take him down now.
- Let's go.
- All right, cut the music.
Cut the music.
I think I speak for everyone
when I say we're a little mimed out.
Don't worry. Show's over.
You're under arrest for possession
with intent to sell.
- This man's a drug dealer.
- Okay, I think what we have...
- Maybe you didn't hear us.
- Take it easy, everybody.
You're making the biggest mistake
of your life, hear me?
You're the one making
the mistake, pusher.
Kevin, call my attorney,
please. Ridiculous.
- Open it.
- My hands are tied.
Fine. Allow me.
Let this be a lesson to everyone,
especially you kids.
Don't be fooled by the first-class suit
and the big house.
Reese Feldman's nothing more than
a two-bit drug dealer.
You want some proof?
Here's some proof.
This is a bad man.
And this is what bad men do.
A pony!
Happy bat mitzvah, baby. I love you.
Take the kids in, come on.
Let's go, kids.
It's all right, baby, it's okay. Come here.
Come here. We'll get you a new pony.
Hey there, little fella. You okay?
Mr. Feldman, on behalf of the
entire Bay City Police Department...
...I sincerely apologize.
- That's okay, captain.
My attorney here would love to
take them down, but I know...
...that in the bottom
of their hearts...
...these two detectives were just
trying to protect me and my family.
I gotcha. Thank you.
I respect your attitude,
but you can be sure...
...it will never happen again,
because as of now...
...both of you are suspended indefinitely.
Look, cap, this was my fault.
Don't drag Hutch into this. I shot the pony.
You care what happens to Hutch?
You filed for transfer two weeks ago,
citing his behavior as a reason.
- Captain...
- Oh yeah, yeah. Check this out.
Sounds like you're quite
the crime fighter, Hutch.
- You filed for a transfer?
- Guns and badges, right here, on my desk.
Your mother would be
very disappointed in you.
Man, I've really had it with that Doby.
I mean, it's enough already.
"Cavorting with nefarious characters.
Conduct unbecoming of an officer. "
I wrote that two weeks ago.
Things are really cool with us now.
- Hey, did you go through my locker?
- No.
- You went through my locker.
- I might have looked inside...
If you got a problem with someone, tell it
to their face. You come to them as a man.
You don't go behind their back and write
a thesis and try to get transferred.
Backstabber!
Yeah, don't anybody work
with David Starsky.
He'll stab you in the back.
You've got to let this go.
We got lucky. These guys screwed up.
- They can't even touch us now. It is over.
- I don't care.
No one dresses as a mime and embarrasses
me at my daughter's bat mitzvah.
In my own house, no less.
Have some perspective.
We're almost finished.
We're a few days from closing
a $35-million deal. Let it slide.
Yeah, I'll let it slide. When they're dead.
Why did I get so lucky?
I don't know, I just love
when you talk so tough.
Of course you do. That's why
you're my girlfriend on the side.
Hey, Hutch.
"Ruin me!"
Excuse me, let me have
a minute with my friend.
He didn't care if he got ruined. That was
the whole point of the episode. Did you...?
Hutch, you gonna have to lay up off
of this juice. You had too much to drink.
Come on. I feel like a million bucks.
Just laughing, having a good time.
It ain't even funny no more.
There used to be a time here when you
peed against the wall, you did it outside.
Lighten up, it's Friday night.
Okay? It's a bar.
Hutch, it's Wednesday afternoon, man.
Snap out of it.
- What time is it?
- It's 5:00, man.
Shit. I'm supposed to pick up Willis at 3.
Huggy, I'm sorry, we...
Hutch! Hey, Hutch! You home?
You were supposed to pick me up
at 3:00 today. What happened?
Deadbeat.
If you could have yourself one wish,
what would it be for?
"Mama put the salt back on a
straight line with the pepper...
...and got that look like when
she be telling me that old wise stuff.
She told Nobie he
should wish for... "
Good friends. Free to Be You and Me.
That's what Mama tells Nobie to wish for.
- Well, well, well.
- How you doing, Willis?
- I'm pretty good.
- Yeah? Got you something.
Damn. A wrist rocket.
- Watch out with that thing. Very powerful.
- Cool. Thanks, Starsky.
Pretty sure those are illegal.
Even though you're my friend...
...might have to report you to Doby.
All right. Okay, look, Hutch, can we...?
Is it all right if I talk
to you outside?
No, I better stay here with the kid.
All right. Hey, feel better, all right?
You got it.
- Can you believe that guy? What a...
- Hutch, the man was trying to apologize.
Dig this, man. Someone once said...
..."To err is human, to forgive, divine. "
What idiot said that?
I believe that was God,
the greatest mack of all.
David. David.
Yeah.
Okay, so, what did you wanna say?
Nothing. Apparently you're too busy
and I'm not worth it. It's fine.
- Really, it's good.
- Come on, let's hear it.
There's nothing that... I just was gonna
say that I think you're a good cop.
- Okay, well, thank you.
- And I am...
...sorry about what I wrote in the report.
Yeah, because I'm telling you, I felt like
I'd just gotten my world rocked...
- Are you crying?
- What's that?
- Are you crying?
- No, I'm not crying. You're crying.
It's okay to cry. People cry.
That's great, but I'm not crying. I'm not a
crier. I don't cry. I work out. I have hobbies.
- Come here.
- What?
- Come here. I forgive you, all right?
- Okay.
I forgive you.
Okay, that's probably enough.
That's enough.
- All right?
- Okay.
- Are we good?
- Yeah, we're good.
Because we got some people
that want us dead.
They took a shot at you. They tried to
blow up my house, almost killed little Willis.
We gotta do... Now what?
Nothing. I'm just excited.
Let's get these scumbags!
- Get them! That's what I wanna see.
- Let's get them!
- Get some tissues. Let's go.
- What are you doing?
- Damn. I'll tell you that.
- Look, I'm telling you, it's right here.
Reese is meeting with the biggest drug
dealers in back alleys all over the place.
But talking isn't illegal.
Yeah, the guy's not stupid.
He knows how to stay clean.
Dirty ones always do.
We gotta find a way to get close to him,
get inside and hear what's going on.
It's gonna be tough.
The guy knows what we look like.
He doesn't know what
Huggy Bear looks like.
Man, this is a bunch of crap.
I am an urban informant. I am not a snitch.
- Come on, Huggy, what's the difference?
- A snitch wears a wire.
A snitch is the scum
of the information industry.
A snitch has no soul.
Damn, man, that shit hurt.
- I'm sorry.
- You got to be more careful.
We wouldn't ask you to do this
unless it was really important.
- I'm gonna owe you one.
- More than one, man.
Let's slow down with the scorekeeping.
I might remember...
...stuff I've overlooked over the years,
then mention it to my partner here.
How'd that be?
- All right, man, get this over with. Hurry up.
- All right. All right. Good. We're done.
- All right, let's get that outfit.
- Outfit?
Oh, no, man. You know Huggy Bear
wouldn't wear that, man.
Come with something better.
Take that shit back to Florida.
That ain't me, baby.
Mr. Casual. So nice of you to join us.
Sorry about that, sir.
What would you say this is?
Golf?
Real funny, Amos.
Give me the 9-iron.
- Where the hell's my 9-iron?
- I was gonna bring...
Let me explain something to you.
You are in charge
of this area right here.
Clubs come out.
They gotta go back in.
I realize this is a complex procedure, but it's
up to you to manage the whole business.
Do you got that, Nipsey?
- Yes.
- I should make you run...
...back to the driving range and get it.
Just give me the wedge.
My man gave me a 3-wood.
Do you even know what
a pitching wedge is?
- Are you even a real caddy?
- Come on.
Look, man, this grass is
Alabama Creeping Bent...
...as opposed to Georgia Creeping Bent.
It's lighter.
- Lighter meaning faster?
- Exactly.
Hold this.
Look at that. Good shot.
- You know a lot about golf.
- I know even more about grass.
I don't question that.
- That was a great shot. Don't even start.
- Fine. Back to business.
The stuff is all ready to be moved.
All two tons of it.
We're gold. We need to be at
the banquet by 2 p. m. Anything else?
Yeah, just stay calm and...
What, are we dating?
Why are you standing so close to me?
- Back off.
- It's cool, baby.
What is your deal?
The Nearly There banquet.
Remember? It's tomorrow.
- How's he gonna move coke at a banquet?
- I don't know, but we gotta be there.
No, can't. He'll kill us if he sees us.
You wanna use my wig guy.
Hello, sir. May I check your briefcase?
Oh, yeah. Thanks a lot.
Thank you very much.
Now, what you wanna do is take
this ticket stub. It's for the raffle.
And see that car up on stage?
There's seven of them, all up for grabs,
with plenty of trunk space.
Trunk space. I get it. Very good.
Very good. Thank you very much.
- That's what I'm talking about. Right here.
- There we go.
- What do you think?
- I love it. Great stuff.
Yeah, you look just like a rich cowboy,
came riding in off the farm.
- Do me a favor. Tip your hat forward.
- No, I like it where it is.
- No, seriously, come on, do it. Do it.
- Will you stop with that?
That voice makes you sound crazy.
It makes me sound like Maury Finkel...
...founder of Finkel Fixtures,
a lighting fixture chain.
Oh, it's a little voice and a character.
You got a whole back-story. That's good.
Little touches. You wanna
make the character real.
- What's your character?
- I don't really...
I don't have a character.
I don't do voices.
We're going upstairs. People will
recognize us if we don't have a character.
- Think of something.
- Okay.
Buck up, let's do it.
How are you? How's it going?
All right. How you doing? All right.
Look at these two hot chickens.
Finkel wants some dinkle. Give it to me.
Come on. Do it.
Lay it on, right here. Do it. Do it.
He means a kiss. We're doing
little voices. Undercover.
Come on, sweetie. Do it.
- That's a sweet little pucker. I love it.
- Can I get you two a drink?
You sure can, sweetheart.
Johnnie Red, neat.
- Okay.
- Do it. Do it.
All right. And you?
- Do it. Bacardi and cola. Do it, do it.
- Okay. I'll be right back.
- What are you doing?
- What?
- What was that? You just stole my voice.
- No, I didn't.
You gotta come up with your own voice.
That's my thing.
- I don't have a cool voice like you.
- Come up with a character.
You're a Texas oil tycoon guy.
You have, like, a moustache...
Don't shame me.
Let's sit down. Come on.
So we can get down to business and then
get back to the business of getting down.
Now, that's what I'm talking about.
Let's get down!
Captain Doby, you're not right.
But today is right.
Can I see a show of hands?
I'm talking to everyone in this room.
How many of us have made a mistake?
- Guilty.
- Yeah.
You know, I believe it was our buddy
Bill Shakespeare who said...
..."To err is human, but to forgive,
well, that's right on. "
That's exactly why
we're here today.
Because everyone out there
deserves a second chance. Everyone.
Thank you. I didn't say it.
Bill Shakespeare did.
Some of these guys were
in our surveillance.
- I know.
- Check out the guy behind us.
Already did.
You think he's got the stuff here?
- Where?
- I'd like to thank Bay City Volkswagen...
...for donating seven brand-new cars
to our annual fundraising raffle.
Thank you, Bay City Volkswagen.
Okay, everybody. Go ahead,
pull out your ticket stubs.
Hope you held onto it. Hate to have your
number called and have it left behind.
Because this train's
leaving the station.
Tonight's first winner. 63.
- Hot damn, that baby's mine!
- Congratulations.
That's one of his guys.
- Thank you very much.
- Just wait here.
We've got a winner, a new car owner.
Let him hear it.
He's gonna ride home in class.
The car. Cocaine is in the car.
He's doing it in front of everybody.
- He's not that stupid.
- No, but he's that arrogant. Trust me.
Number 117.
- Go.
- Right on! Yeah.
Yes!
- Thank you very much.
- Sit. Now. Do it. Do it.
Old Shakes McGinty did it!
Yes! Unbelievable!
I'm a-richer, and I'm gonna kiss you.
Get your hands off. I think...
I don't...
My friend won. Give him the car. Do it.
- Do what?
- The kid's from Texas.
I don't know if he has a license.
He rides a horse.
Do you have a ticket?
I need it to give you the car.
- You gotta trust the kid.
- I can't, cowboy.
I need to see the ticket.
Pop the trunk.
Let's get that new car smell.
- Who wants a whiff of that new car smell?
- Let's smell it!
That's what I'm talking about. Come on.
Pop the trunk. Seriously, do it. Do it.
- Do it.
- Listen, jackass.
Either give me a ticket or get the
hell off the stage. You dig that?
- Guys.
- Pop the trunk, candy man.
You heard him.
Pop it.
What the hell are you two doing?
Pop it!
You screwed it up once already, Starsky.
Like you said, Feldman,
everyone deserves a second chance.
What have we here?
Does this look familiar? Some cocaine.
Captain Doby, I suggest you take
this to the lab, get it analyzed...
- Hutch!
- All right, freeze! Everybody, freeze!
- Put your hands where I can see them!
- Relax, pal. Relax!
- Let's do it!
- Put that gun down or I'll kill your friend.
- Reese, what are we doing?
- Do it now! Put it down!
I got a clean shot.
I need permission.
No! No, Starsky.
I can do it. Just move
your head to the left.
No can do. You don't have my permission,
partner. I can't give it to you.
- Your nuts are mine, Feldman.
- No, they're not! Your nuts are yours.
Starsky, listen to me. I don't wanna die.
And I'm not giving you my permission.
Please, put it down.
Put it down. Down.
Okay. All right. You're right.
It's too close.
Oh, thank God.
Stay down!
Doby?
- Come on, let's move it! Let's go!
- What?
Walk away. Walk away. Let's go.
- Cap, are you okay?
- Yeah, I just got my wing clipped.
- Who the hell shot me?
- I'm sorry. I was trying to get...
Starsky! It was Reese Feldman.
Reese Feldman hit you, the son of a bitch.
Well, go get him!
- Is somebody coming?
- No, we're on vacation.
- What's going on?
- Gotta go.
Oh, my God!
- Baby, look out!
- Look, I wanna hit him!
- You okay?
- Yeah!
- Watch out for the bunker!
- I don't know what a bunker is!
It's a sand trap.
- Go faster!
- I'm going fast. I got it floored.
- Dogleg right up here on the par three.
- What?
- Watch the bunker!
- What bunker?
Jesus!
Come on. Pay attention.
Hey! Get out of here!
- Move that ice cream truck now!
- No, you move.
- Bay City P.D. Move it!
- Let's go.
Grab those and meet me
in the marina. Let's go. Move!
If you guys are cops,
let's see some badge.
- We don't have any badges.
- Show him your gun.
Come on! Come on, move!
- Come on, hurry up, let's go!
- They're coming!
Come on, these two with the running
and the chasing. Stop! Go home.
Goodbye, heroes!
- To the shipping yard!
- Got a boat?
- No, but I got an idea.
Hey, watch out!
- Okay, now what?
- Okay, we're gonna take this car...
...and land it on that boat.
- You wanna crash the car into his boat?
- No, I wanna land it on that boat.
Now, go.
- Go!
- I can't do it.
This is unbelievable. Here you get
me out here to risk my life...
...and now you tell me you
can't do this? I'm a quitter, but...
- You're crying again.
- I'm not crying. This is different.
It's my mother. She always used to say that
this was too much car for me to handle.
- She said that?
- Couldn't handle the V8.
- I don't know, maybe she was right.
- Hey, look at me. Look at me.
I am not your mother.
I'm your partner.
Now, go!
Go!
- Things could go pretty wrong, so I...
- Keep your eyes on the road.
Listen to me, Ken. If we don't make it,
this... You know, us...
- It's been good.
- It's been great.
Now, will you stop talking
and hit that boat.
It's not a boat, it's a yacht.
Son of a bitch!
- Come on, are you kidding me?
- Oh, my God. We almost just got killed.
Thanks for pointing out something
I couldn't notice. You're a benefit to have.
We should save them.
- Son of a bitch!
- Nice plan!
You gave it too much gas
and you overshot it.
- Car has a lot of horsepower. I'll go get it.
- What are you doing? Stop it.
Starsky!
- It hasn't hit the bottom yet.
- Stop, stop, damn it! Listen to me.
It's gone, okay? It's over.
- But it's my car.
- I know it is, partner. I know it is.
Oh, my God, honey.
That was so incredible.
I feel like my adrenaline is just...
You and me, babe. We are such
a good team, don't you think?
I mean, this is just the beginning. We could
go so far, honey. I feel so exhilarated.
- Come on!
- What was that?
Son of a bitch.
What is it, Reese?
Who are you?
I found your 9-iron, bitch.
That's for putting hands on Huggy Bear.
Nobody touches the Bear, you dig?
Yeah. Now, these will work.
What have we here?
Now, that's what I'm talking about.
- We don't really do private shows.
- But I'm a good friend of Huggy Bear.
- It's kind of against cheerleading policy.
- You need to change that policy.
You know what I can't figure out?
How the hell did you know
to get on that boat?
When your two boys put me on
that undercover golf course mission...
...that cat, Reese? All he did
was talk about that damn yacht.
And like I say, why go to the starting line
when you can go straight to the finish?
"Straight to the finish. "
I like that, man. I like that.
Are you interested in doing
any undercover work?
- Not the least.
- Captain, let me borrow him for a second.
The weird thing is, one of those briefcases
with $5 million just up and vanished.
Oh, what is this, a brand-new fur coat?
Look at this thing.
Yeah, I inherited some money
from a dead uncle of mine.
Is that right? I didn't even
know you had an uncle.
Well, I did.
And he was rich as hell too, baby.
- Chin up, little man.
- I think he's still upset about the car.
Come on, let's get up.
You're going outside.
- No, thanks.
- We're taking you out.
- We're gonna get you cleaned up.
- I don't feel like it.
I know these two white dudes that got
a car that you might be interested in.
- I don't want another car, Hug.
- Come on, at least take a look.
My car. Where did you...?
Hey, Hutch, who the hell
are these guys?
I don't know, but I get
a good vibe from them.
So you selling the car?
Well, actually, your friend here
has already paid for it.
I owe you one, Huggy.
- All right.
- Come on, give him the keys.
Thank you. Thank you.
With this transmission,
you really wanna jump the clutch.
- I usually...
- From second to fourth. I got it.
- Right.
- Come in, Zebra 3. We have a 420.
Please respond.
This is Zebra 3. We're on it.
Hutch, let's roll.
I think he means you.
- Good luck.
- Allow me.
- All right, thank you.
- You're welcome.
All right.
Hey!
Not the...
- How does it feel?
- It feels pretty good.
I'm gonna take it slow,
get the feel of it.
No, no, that's smart. Do that.
- Starsky.
- Hang on.
- No. No!
- Hang on!