Status Pending (2018) Movie Script
1
Ryan.
Yeah?
We should have sex right now.
One,
two,
three.
Shh, shh.
Jono, Jono's asleep.
Jono.
Wait, Jono's not here.
Jono's not here this weekend.
Beth is gone, too!
We have the place to ourselves.
We have the place to ourselves.
We have the place to ourselves!
Our kitchen!
We have the kitchen to ourselves!
This is Jonathan's room, get out!
Okay.
Roommate's gonna kill me.
Ohh, let's go in the pool!
Let's go in the pool,
let's go in the pool.
Pool.
Why didn't you jump?
What if the neighbors see?
What do you care?
They're not your neighbors.
I don't.
Okay.
Hang on one sec, I've got an idea.
I've got an idea.
What's your idea?
Mm.
Ooh, ah.
It's your next creation.
Oh, my God.
It's so good.
Mmm!
Mm.
We can do anything today.
Anything at all, what do you wanna do?
How is Cabbage Patch Dolls
not a top toy of the 80s?
Why is a Tamagotchi
not a top toy of the 90s?
What's a Tamagotchi?
Really?
Hey, which one of these would you post?
Those are the same cupcake, right?
Yeah, but different angles.
Oh, give me your laptop.
Blowjob on a boat?
Yeah.
- Been tied up?
- Yup.
Kissed before exchanging names?
Yup.
Squirted?
No, wait, that's not even
a real thing.
Prostate massage?
- No, thank you.
- Are you sure?
- Ahhh.
- Just once?
Hey, have
you seen my phone cord?
There it is.
Why do you keep so much stuff with you?
Well, you never know.
Enough of these.
Let's go to Angie's boudoir album.
Are you gonna put
yourself in there again?
Maybe.
Yeah, you want to?
- Maybe.
- Yeah?
How 'bout both of us?
Oh yeah, if you want.
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Okay, I might need your advice on this,
'cause there are 10 things in life
that I'll only realize when I'm old.
- Totally qualified.
- Yep, yep, okay.
Firstly, fight for the thing
that means the most to you.
Yep.
- Agree?
- Yep.
You were born for greatness,
believe in yourself.
Oh, absolutely.
Everyone's born for greatness.
- I'm great, I'm great.
- You're great.
- I think you're great.
- Thank you.
- Stop.
- Go, next one.
- All right, next one.
- Read it, read it.
Do it your way, no regrets.
Do everything with,
like, no consequence,
and be like, "I'm glad I did it that way."
Absolutely.
Okay, sure, yes.
- Yes?
- Yes.
Yeah.
What's the last one?
Find your own path.
Yeah.
Yeah, find your own path.
My path is gonna take me to
the best pastries in the world.
Mmm, sounds good.
- France.
- Ohh.
Gotta go to France first.
No, this reminds me of work.
I can't stop thinkin' about that big trip.
What trip?
Ah, it's our latest trip deal.
We're pushin' on our fan page,
social media and everywhere.
If that one doesn't take off
then Magic Wanderers is poof.
Oh, yup, "Our most magical wander yet."
"35 countries, all flights
and hostel stay included."
Yeah, I still
can't believe I let Jono
go out of town when it's such
a big weekend for the site.
He and Beth, it's been three months
and she's already movin' in.
You think it's a little fast?
Wow.
Ah.
Let's see, yellow, keep it mellow.
If it's brown, flush it down.
Savin' the planet one flush at a time.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!
What? What?
That blog, the sugar free recipe!
It's been re-pinned 53 times.
Get out of town.
And it's got three
comments for me to approve.
Okay, do it.
I'm too nervous.
- Come on, you can do it.
- You do it, you do it.
Come on, you do it for me.
Okay, all right.
Okay.
Uh, let's skip the first one.
Why?
What is it?
This recipe looks like sweetened poo.
Definitely canceled, okay.
The second one's like
the thing for Viagra.
It's a link I could use some day.
Just keep it up there, no, no?
Okay, all right.
This last one is no big deal.
It just says, "Your recipe rocks."
"I tried it with my kids,
"and they loved it despite the low sugar.
"Thanks," three exclamation marks.
Yes, you did, baby!
Let me tell you, if a third
of your comments are good,
you're an internet star.
Have you thought about
that bakery cart idea?
Not really.
'Cause in Portland and San Francisco,
it's a huge movement.
I think you could be amazing
at here in New Zealand.
You can make it happen.
Maybe.
Yeah, or in the meantime,
you could teach me to bake today.
- Okay.
- Yes?
- Okay.
- Okay, cool.
There's this recipe on
your site that's like,
what, are you making wedding dresses?
Is there a new subject, "Dear Blog,"
- that I should know about?
- No.
That's just my stupid cousin.
She wants me to be a
bridesmaid at her wedding.
Oh, well, that's not stupid, right?
Well, she's like 21.
Why is she getting married that young?
I mean, did people in your generation
get married that young?
Oh, my generation?
Oh, you mean like the Great Depression?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
We had to sit together back then, so...
No, seriously.
Oh, well, there was this one girl.
Her name was Jessica,
and we dated for a little bit,
and then we broke up right after school,
and the first guy she went out with
after that got her pregnant.
Oh.
Yeah, so she had kids right away.
She must've had a very
boring sex life, then,
with just the one guy.
But at the same time, you know,
if you're with one person for a long time,
they can start to know all your
tricks and licks, you know?
I remember this thing that she used
to do to me in her basement.
No, wait, hang on, hang on.
We have a rule that we don't
go into detail about our exes.
Okay.
Are you jealous?
No.
You don't have to be jealous.
There's nothing to threaten you here.
'Cause if it really bothered you,
one thing that we could do is
I could just change my relationship status
to be attached to Lizzie Conley.
Are you serious?
No.
Oh, my God, why would you do that?
No, I didn't do it.
I did it, but it doesn't
count until you approve it.
Well, the great thing
about our relationship
is that we're free to be just us,
just be honest and everything.
Okay, yeah, of course, yeah.
I mean, we have an honest, open thing.
I don't want to, you know?
- That's not who we are.
- No.
We're free to do and be,
and be and do who...
Right, we're open, and...
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I mean, we don't have to
be like Ozzie and Harriet,
Donna Reid, 1950s Nick
at Nite show, you know?
Like your job is to make my dinner
on time when we get home from work.
Absolutely, and make sure
that you say grace at the table.
Yes, everyone holding hands,
and then our 2.5 children...
Playing Yahtzee.
Playing Yahtzee at the end of the night,
and goin' to bed.
In separate beds.
Thank you for that sexual intercourse.
Oh, you're very welcome.
I was pretending the whole time.
At least now I have my sperm inside you,
so that you can give me my third child.
Aw, thank you, darling.
You're such a loving provider.
No white picket fence for us.
Mm.
Turn off the...
Okay, 80%, this water.
And energy.
Hey, so I want to talk to you...
I just wanted to say
that I'm totally okay
with this whole no strings
attached thing, okay?
I'm not gonna get obsessive or crazy.
It's your path 100% of the way.
Okay?
Hey, so you know the deal on your site?
I thought we weren't
gonna talk about work today.
The thing is makin' me lose
more money and hair by the day.
Yeah, but I'm thinking of taking it.
Great.
Great.
No.
No, no, it's great.
Can you afford it?
I don't know, I mean, I
can borrow from somebody.
You know what, it's crazy.
We don't have to talk about work.
We don't need another potential
customer in the shower.
It's okay.
If you're gonna be on my show,
you better not use a recipe book.
Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Watch the pro, watch the pro.
Stop moving it, just leave it.
Hold it, hold it, hold it. Okay.
Check this out.
Oh, shit.
- Oh, clearly.
- See?
That's really
good, just one hand.
This is like cake mix.
- Okay.
- What did you do?
- Is that bad?
- That's very bad.
Ahh.
Magic.
And in the US they make
these silver dollar ones.
I don't know if they do that here.
Like pikelets.
Pie clits?
- Pikelets.
- Pie clits?
They're like really small, Yeah.
More, more, more,
more, more, more...
No, that's enough, that's
enough, that's enough.
Oh, man.
This is gonna make me kinda sick, huh?
All right.
Um,
can we?
No, I don't, I don't want,
we were talking before
about the whole 50s thing,
and it's ridiculous, right?
But one thing that we
don't really ever do is,
I don't really do enough,
is give gratitude, you know?
So, I just thought,
but it's stupid, it's
stupid, let's just eat.
No, wait, hang on, hang
on, hang on, hang on.
I watched a Ted Talk where people
who are grateful happen to live longer.
Okay, yeah.
Let's live longer.
- Okay.
- Okay.
All right.
Okay, uh,
I'm grateful to be here at Ryan's house,
which is swanky.
Well, it's not really my house.
It's more like Jono's house.
- You still live here.
- Well, I just live here.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Uh, I'm thankful to the universe
for creating stars that blow up
into different elements
and reassemble themselves
into amazing pancakes with
the help of an amazing cook.
I'm grateful to maple
syrup for being on sale.
I'm grateful to maple
syrup trees in Canada
that have survived
climate change long enough
to stay cold enough to keep
making syrup for us forever.
I'm grateful to fossil
fuels for bringing me
cute American guys to
New Zealand to play with.
And to Magic Wanders, uh, that exists
because for the first
time in world history,
people can truly wander at
will to pursue happiness
in any way that they want.
Amen?
It looks amazing, isn't it?
It's so good, mm-hmm.
It is gorgeous.
Oh, I know what we can do.
We can go over and start
off in Enigma, right?
And then slowly go up Mount Vick.
Please untag me from the photo.
Okay.
I just don't want my
colleagues and stuff...
No, no, I wouldn't want you
to stop dating your colleagues,
or have the option at least to...
No.
No, it's okay, it's okay.
Also, Tinder is an option for you as well.
It's still on your phone. Yeah.
I should get rid of it eventually.
Did you?
Oh, no, it's probably still
maybe in the back of my phone somewhere.
I think I have it, like,
inside of a folder of a folder.
I can do a search for it, but...
I just think online's just,
try and keep things private sometimes.
You don't have to tell
everybody everything.
Ooh, your college friend, Angie,
oh, speak of the devil,
is liking my photos.
She thinks I'm sexy.
That's not the word she used for me.
She's stalking both of us.
I think you two are meant
to be together, basically.
Maybe.
I'll tell you what.
Are you snapping her?
Yeah.
Snapchatting or whatever?
That's amateur.
Phone sex.
Now that is a lost art.
- What are you doing?
- Calling Angie.
Oh, my God, no you're not.
Yes.
No, no, no!
Wait, wait, it's ringing.
- It's okay.
- Are you serious?
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Wait, wait, hang on, hang on, hang on!
It's still ringing, let her pick up.
Stop, come on.
That's crossing the line.
What's wrong with a little analog love?
I don't even know what that is.
Oh, really?
Mmm.
Oh, we never had sex up here.
Let's do it.
No, we don't...
Tell you what, tell you what, hang on.
Okay.
Let's make it like a sexercise thing.
I'm gonna be like the girl
from Midnight Espresso, okay,
'cause I know you like her,
and you'll be like thrusting this way,
and then I'm gonna be up this way,
and yeah, it'll be like
two birds with one stone.
No.
Let me tell you something.
I have a confession to make, okay?
No, no, no, it's okay, you
don't have to tell me anything.
No, I do.
I got to let you know.
You're not just like a body to me.
Yeah?
I love you.
Yay.
I don't know, Mum, just busy.
I'm not comparing my life
to old uni friends, okay?
Nothing, I'm just super
stressed right now.
Yeah, he just got back from the U.S.
Hey, Mummy, I got to go.
Okay, we'll talk some more soon.
Okay, bye.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Keep using my laptop if you wanna.
Okay.
Ah,
I've been thinkin' about the trip.
Yeah, me, too.
Okay, all right.
So, if you're thinking about the trip,
I'm thinking about the trip,
I was thinking that maybe
instead of going out
for lunch or something like that,
maybe I could help
figure it out, you know?
'Cause I wanna be of some kind of use.
I know that I can't do anything
on the Magic Wanders end of it.
I mean, it's a one time deal,
but I can help you talk
it out, you know, or...
But it's not just
about the trip, though.
Yeah, I mean, you've got
the bakery cart options
and everything like
that, I totally get it,
but I just figured if you take that trip,
this could be our last day together.
Yeah?
Okay, let's do it.
Let's do it.
Yeah.
We're gonna have a hot lava
moat around the house, okay?
- Okay.
- We're locked in.
We can't leave.
- Just you and me.
- Just us.
Okay.
Uh,
what do we do?
I have no idea.
A list.
Probably start with Vegas.
Vegas? Okay, cool.
Uh, parkour.
- Parkore, like...
- No, I'm just kidding.
No, I want you to do it.
- Build a home.
- Okay.
Get in shape.
Get in shape.
Everybody wants to get in shape, right?
Mm-hmm.
Learn an instrument.
On top of that, learn a language.
Um, open a bakery.
Yeah, awesome.
Karate champion.
I used to be a brown belt in high school.
- What?
- Join the circus.
Yes. Yes.
Oh, make a web series.
Use my degree?
Use your degree in...
- Philosophy.
- Philosophy.
That's a little, yes,
you will find a way.
Every day, you're using it.
- Yeah, no?
- Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, you've been tagged.
It's your sister and nephews.
I know, yeah, they're cute.
It says your dad tagged you,
but you're not in it.
Ah.
Yeah.
What else? Uh, long term stuff.
I'd like to pay off my student loans.
Maybe have a family?
Have a family? Sure.
What else?
White picket fence?
What do you think about that?
And
what about, like, romance?
I mean, you got your whole
life ahead of you here.
At least...
- I dunno.
- Somethin'.
Like, it might be weird,
but just to be honest
about the list, we'll just put this here.
There we go.
Just an idea.
Yeah?
Okay.
Shall we?
That's a lot of stuff.
Yeah, that's a lot of stuff.
But we could do it.
Today.
Reverse strip blackjack.
Look at this, we got
clothes everywhere, right?
I mean, half of this is
Beth's, and the rest is Paris.
Whoever loses, has to put on a layer.
- Hit.
- Boom, you lose!
Why did you hit on 19?
Aww, come on, bust you.
Very nice.
Business underneath, and butch,
maybe not so much...
With the kitty cat.
That's a different kind of butch.
Getting a little sweaty in there, huh?
It's all right.
Maybe gambling isn't your thing.
Maybe like a Grand Canyon in the US trip
would be your best bet?
What about you, you've
moved to Wellington.
You got your start up and
you could lose it any minute.
Yeah, but, I dunno,
it was just kinda time
to be an adult, you know?
I wanted to make something of myself.
You got to take a risk
sometimes to get what you want.
I get the whole bakery thing,
I wanna do the bakery thing,
but travel...
Yeah, and don't let anybody
hold you back from that.
I was dating this girl in
San Francisco, and she...
Hang on, hang on, we
have a rule, remember?
Oh, yeah, okay.
You know what? Sod it.
Tell me the story.
You sawed it?
Sod, S-O-D.
S-O-D, sod it.
Just put grass on it.
Which means...
Screw it, like screw it.
Cool.
Okay, 'cause it's kind of a
stupid rule anyway, right?
Yeah, so this girl, uh,
she was obsessed with painting,
and I thought she was amazingly talented.
And she just had this dream, you know,
like to get away from her crazy mother,
and her little small town
life, and do something.
And I tried to help her in any
way that I could, you know.
I was like trying to
sign her up for classes,
and she wouldn't go,
and I was trying to take
her to art galleries,
and she wouldn't go,
and so finally I just, like,
I had to leave her just
to give her her space
so she could be who she wanted to be.
And I went traveling.
And I went Calcutta, and it blew my mind,
and I went to Tokyo, and it blew my mind,
and I went to Sri Lanka,
and it blew my mind.
And I kept get getting
higher, higher, higher
until my head exploded,
and it was one of the best explosions,
second best explosion, ever.
- Hit?
- Yes.
- Are you sure you wanna hit?
- I'm gonna win this.
You're so busted!
So easy!
You know I was just
kidding about Parkour, right?
Sometimes our greatest
dreams are kidded first.
And two, and three, and...
It's easy!
Remember to breathe.
Are my buns steel-ifying?
Feel that burn!
My tempo, my tempo!
My tempo, my tempo,
my tempo, my tempo, my tempo!
Come on, no.
You're looking at me like
that's an impossible move
or something like that.
Anybody can do that.
That's not what I meant.
Nobody can do,
very few people.
There's only one per, there's two.
You're amazing in every way.
- Maori language.
- Maori.
Okay, oh, yeah, bro.
Let's go.
- No.
- That sounds right.
Doesn't that sound good?
Is that, is that racist?
Is that bad?
That's pretty bad.
You know what? I got this.
I can do it, okay, I don't need this.
Uh,
all righty.
Here we go.
Ahh!
That was fucking awesome.
I'm gonna email this to you, okay?
You can post it and send
it to everybody you know.
It's all right, you can tag me.
I'm gonna do it again.
Yeah.
If you can get one more
sheet from down there,
and we'll just cover it up at the top.
Take this,
this...
- This right here.
- Ahh!
- Like this?
- No.
- Like this?
- No.
- Like this?
- No!
Like this?
Oh, your McMansion is killing me!
It's my house, eco boy!
So how can I be more useful here?
Okay, you can go make us some tea.
I'm American, I don't
know how to make tea.
Well done.
Is this earthquake proof, though?
- Oh, totally.
- Okay.
Totally.
I am seriously impressed.
It could use some art, though, you know?
Well, what about that painter girl?
She's busy, trust me.
How do you know?
All right, so I was
traveling for like three months
after we broke up, right,
and I'm getting a little
bit lonely on the road.
And so at an internet cafe in Ghana,
I Facebook stalk her, right?
I look on her profile, and
her picture is just just her
but it's also this guy
with his arm around her,
and looks nothing like me,
but looks a lot like her dad.
It was a little weird before I realized
that actually this guy also lives
in the same small town that
she was trying to escape from.
I find out from my mom
a couple months later
that she's engaged,
and I find out from my mom a
couple months later after that
that they're married,
and a couple months after
that, nuclear family, you know?
I didn't ask.
It must be kinda nice to
have some sort of stability.
You know, have a nice house,
and maybe a trampoline in the backyard.
Yeah.
I mean, did she ever paint again?
I checked the fan page that I made her,
there wasn't another post.
Twitter, Instagram, same thing.
And I googled everywhere to see if she'd
done anything with her life at that point,
but, like, no painting.
Uh, but don't read into it.
You know, it's...
Bakery is next.
Uh, let's go to the kitchen.
Let's do...
Can we skip this one?
Yeah.
Yeah, okay, yeah.
Uh, then,
yeah.
Yeah.
What was that?
Oh!
You almost burnt my face
on the hot lava line.
And you don't care, all right.
You were clearly the school bully.
When's the last time
you said you did this?
I was 17.
I was gonna quit earlier,
but there was this cute
guy in class, Ethan.
Oh, okay.
Cool, it's worth gettin' violent
for an Ethan, right?
Yeah, he went to a
different high school,
and he had dreams, kind
of like your painter girl,
except, you know, he went for his dreams.
He got into this prestigious
music school in Vienna.
Okay.
And, you know, I thought I loved him,
so I was young, I let him go, you know.
But I looked him on
Facebook four years later,
and turns out the last post he ever made
was three years before that.
Ahh, okay, so he either ended up being
a failed musician,
or he turned out to be so successful
that he's like fuck social media,
I'm just gonna be my true artist self.
Actually, he was dead.
About six months after he moved,
he was crossing the street
and got hit by a car.
That's fuckin' terrible.
Look, it was three years ago,
and we dated seven years ago, but...
- Do you wanna just...
- What?
It seems like a weird...
What, what are you doing?
Okay.
Actually, it was kind of
alleviated by the fact
that it was a memorial tribute
from his Austrian girlfriend
who he had been dating for two years.
Wait, like two years.
She was an exchange
student at his high school.
He'd been seeing me
and her at the same time.
I think she was probably the reason
why he moved to Vienna.
That's fuckin' awful.
Seriously.
Come on, get up.
Got one more move.
The hell are you doing?
All right, if you don't know
what that is, then you win.
You win.
No, no, no, hey, I'm kidding.
It's the Karate Kid.
Thank you.
With Jane Smith.
I'll ring your...
It's like so easy in the YouTubes.
Yes, yes, yes!
- No!
- Yes, no, yes!
Ready, circus superstar?
I'm ready to be the star attraction.
One,
two,
three.
Wait!
You're Superwoman!
What's it like up there?
Feels amazing!
Oh, oh! Oof!
- You okay?
- I'm okay.
You're okay.
Ahh.
It's a short career.
Ow.
You havin' a good time today?
Yeah, I'm having a great time.
Good.
So we're good then, right?
We're doin' pretty good, you and me.
- Mm.
- Mm.
Do you believe in polyamory?
Uh, isn't that officially what we have?
Um, we're not really official.
Well, it's like technical, I mean...
Are you dating anyone else?
Not that I know of.
Last time I checked, you
were lying next to me
like six to seven nights a week.
Are you dating anyone
while I'm sleeping or...
Obviously I'm not.
Okay, good.
All I'm saying that maybe what I had
with Ethan was polyamory.
Well, it woulda been cool,
but it would be nice
to have known about it.
Yeah.
Sounds like a cool idea.
I think that's a prerequisite.
I don't think, honestly,
at the end of the day,
people can share much of anything.
What do you mean?
Well, all right, so I went
to this commune in Spain
where they literally did
share everything, yeah?
One of those intentional communities,
and you share money and resources, and...
Yeah.
Why is that bad for you?
I mean, it's all about
sustainability, right?
Yeah, no, I didn't even
know what sustainability was.
Until like three months ago,
and I'm just saying that,
like, they lost a lot of people
because they couldn't hold onto 'em.
Everybody wanted their
own stuff, you know?
And in this day and age where
everything's about, you know,
the white picket fence and
keeping up with the Joneses,
there was this gal, her name was Indigo,
and she was my host.
And at community dinners, we
would sit next to each other,
and her leg was like
rubbing up against my leg,
and I don't know, but she told me
that I should meet her at
this building along the creek.
So that night, I go and
I walk along the creek,
and there are signs there that say,
"This way, Love Hut number seven."
So I'm like, okay.
So I get there, and there's
this guy waiting for me,
and he introduces himself
as Indigo's husband.
- Yeah.
- What?
And he's simply there with
a big bright smile on his face
giving me instructions on
exactly how to please his wife.
Because when I say they shared everything,
I mean, they literally,
like, shared everything?
Did you go through with it?
Yeah.
I mean, you know, like social obligation.
And he gave me instructions.
I just think at the end of the day,
it's not good for the kids.
Maybe it is good for those kids,
but I grew up in a world where it's like
one man, one woman,
or I guess now it could be two
women or two men, you know.
But they're in a committed relationship.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
And Anything else kind of feels
like they're lying to themselves.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I don't think I could be with a guy
who's lying to himself anyway.
Yeah.
I want something viral.
Something viral and edgy.
What's edgy?
The licking.
Oh, like sexy licking?
- Yeah?
- It's different!
- Yes, yes.
- Yeah.
Yes, edgy, safe for work.
Uh, good for kids but not really.
No, no, yeah, yeah, that's brilliant.
I'm gonna take it off.
You ready?
I'm gonna leave it on, okay.
Oh my God, I've already got two likes
on that Facebook video.
Two, that's absolutely viral.
Yeah, like 10 people
catch measles or something,
then, yeah, that's like a virus.
You win.
Three comments.
The first one says, "Lizzie
has started a meme!"
There is no higher compliment.
I know.
Um, second one says,
"You should totally do it"
"gonzo style."
What's that, is he
referring to the Muppet?
Like throw some chickens
at 'em or something,
but I think it means more like attack,
like in-your-face type thing?
Oh okay, the little cartoon pizza guy,
it says he's around the corner.
This is exactly like one
of those pornos, actually.
You know like where the guy
shows up with the pizza.
They're like, oh, I don't
have enough money to pay,
- and you...
- Yeah.
You haven't seen it, you're too young.
I have seen it, I have seen it.
It's vintage porn!
You know what? No, I've got a better idea.
He's here.
He's gonna enter the door,
and I'm gonna try and get,
you know, all sexy like
to get him to try and...
Yeah, but we already said that.
And you got to keep recording, okay?
But he's gonna eat it, not me.
We already did the plan, let's just go.
No, why does everything have to be
according to what you wanna do?
Not everything has to be
according to your plan.
Okay? Just follow along.
Just record, and I'll do everything, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Okay.
- Ready?
All right, yeah.
Hey.
Hey, Hell Pizza, how you goin'?
Got a large cheese, large 'lux,
and a salad for you guys.
What's with the camera?
Uh, we're doing a
documentary on pizza delivery.
Blake?
Do I know you?
Blake's the guy I lost my virginity to.
Yup, we got drunk at a party,
and we just did it on the bathroom floor,
and you got up and took off.
Uh...
No?
You don't remember me,
you don't recognize me?
No.
Dude?
I sent you this naked picture of myself.
Next thing I know, it
gets emailed back to me
by all my friends.
I heard that you were going
around bragging to everybody
how you banged this random slut.
Well, I used to drink a lot of piss
and do a lot of dumb shit,
but can't apologize to everyone.
Just, just,
we're gonna pay for the pizza.
How much is it?
39.50.
Hey.
I'm really sorry back there.
I shoulda stood up for you.
I wanted to, you know, but...
Okay, it was my fault.
It's not your fault.
That guy's a douchebag, you know?
And we're living in a world where people
send random naked pictures to people,
you know, that they barely know.
I mean, it's, it's the age.
Yeah?
Yeah, well, you've caught up
pretty quickly, haven't you?
I mean, what's the difference?
We're taking pictures now.
I don't know if I can trust
you with these pictures.
Are you serious?
It's 'cause I fuckin' respect you.
I love you.
And you love me.
Right?
I love you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, hey, shh.
Jeez!
This is, it's just my
great grandmother's ring.
I'm just supposed to use it on someone,
I'm just supposed
to be able to use it with,
I just want some kind
of commitment, you know.
Like any kind, really.
We can go Facebook official.
I don't wanna feel trapped.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's, that's fine.
I get it.
Yeah, that's okay.
- That's good.
- Ryan.
Ryan!
I didn't mean what I meant, okay?
Whatever we've had, it's been great,
and I don't see why we have to start
labeling things now, right?
I mean, we're happy, aren't we?
I've had a great day.
Why can't it just be like this?
What's, what is so wrong with that?
Are you even gonna look at me?
I think what we have
right now is wonderful.
Okay, I...
I think the last six months have been
just beyond amazing.
I don't know where I'm
gonna be in the future,
I don't even know where I'm
gonna be in three weeks.
Okay?
I think what we have is fine.
It's over now anyway.
What?
Would a guy trying to trap a girl
spend 80% of his life savings
putting her on a solo
trip around the world?
Yes.
What?
Cancel it.
What?
No, no.
I'm not gonna cancel it.
This is like the ultimate
control right here, okay?
I wanna go.
I really, really wanna go, okay?
But I wanna do it my own way.
I wanna find my own way of getting there.
I don't need you to pay something for me.
I'll get money from my parents,
I'll put it on someone's credit card,
I'll do the crowd funding thing.
Fuck it, I'll do it if I have to,
but I'm gonna find my own way.
You already have a free ticket from me.
You have one from some
that you care about.
If you wanna pay me back,
you can pay me back.
If you don't wanna pay me back,
you don't have to pay me back.
I will cancel if you want me
to get rid of an opportunity
for you to see the world.
Is that what you really want?
It is a click away.
How long have you got to cancel it?
Uh, officially, it's two weeks
before you're supposed to
leave, like, to the dot.
So that's
three hours and 22 minutes from now.
Okay.
Thank you so much for putting
me in this position, okay?
Has this whole day been a lie?
Has this been about you using this day
to try and get me to your level
so that I'm in your life forever
with the whole open the
whole bakery thing, and...
You're a baker!
You like baking!
And the period track app, yeah?
You're saying the whole no condom thing
and trying to get me pregnant?
You're trying to control my body, too?
I can't feel anything
with a condom, it's,
and I haven't felt anything in, ooh...
No, you're being controlling,
manipulative, and selfish.
And frankly, I don't what
I'm gonna say to you...
- I'm selfish, I'm selfish?
- Yeah, you're selfish.
I'm fucking selfish?
I am the fucking Giving Tree.
Of course you don't know what that is.
Maybe you're like too
young or too Kiwi, okay?
But a fucking Giving Tree,
over here, this is a
little branch over here,
when you date too many douchebags,
I shade you from it, right?
And underneath it, you want your freedom.
I go ahead and give you another branch.
And then you wanna leave me forever
in two fucking weeks?
You're just like a woodpecker.
Just peck, peck, peck, peck,
peck, peck, peck, peck, peck,
peck, peck, peck, peck!
You think I'm trying to control you?
I would give you, and I
do give you, everything.
Hey, beautiful.
Congratulations!
Oh, I'm gonna miss you so much,
but honestly, that was my bad anyway.
Angie, you came here for,
but that was like three minutes ago.
No, I just saw the
trip post on my way here.
I came for fantasy day 'cause of the trip.
Maybe I shouldn't have sent that, we...
Once in a life time opportunity,
Lizzie Conley is living out
all her life's fantasies in one day!
Yeah, but maybe just the two of us.
Guess who she wants to
help round out the list.
13 Green Lane, see you soon.
I wrote back, but you never replied, so,
what am I here to help with?
What?
That one
wasn't my idea, I swear.
Look, he's just a...
What, are we back at uni now?
Fucking guys.
I mean, why would he even think that?
Lizzie?
Okay, just a few times, okay?
Maybe we fantasize about other girls,
and we randomly come
across somebody's profile...
Like my profile?
Yup.
Um,
Lizzie,
that's...
Awesome.
I mean, why do you do that?
Um, Jesus, 'cause you're a goddess.
Like you do the Bali
street clean ups with kids,
and you do triathlons and seminars and...
Oh, that reminds me,
I'm totally behind on
my squirting workshop.
That's what I mean, you just,
squirting's real?
Ah.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, you know,
why do you do that with girls in general?
I don't know.
Keeps it light, and I
think he might be open
to other possibilities, so...
But you're keeping your
options open, too, right?
I mean, with the trip?
No.
My mom keeps sending me these articles
on my chronic indecisiveness
and that it's a sign of depression.
Well, then that's an epidemic.
I was watching this
Ted Talk the other day,
and it was talking about tech and mobile
and all these options that are open to us,
and with everything out
there, we just freeze.
You know, it's like paradox of choice.
Hm.
Tell you what,
you can choose not to sexually explore me.
Thanks.
You know, unless you want to.
What?
Angie!
You're the one who's always
posting those YOLO memes.
Potentially, I could be interested
in a little bit of real
life, you-only-live-once,
real YOLO.
Finally having the chance
to get it on with Lizzie,
I mean, you know, because girls...
We're so shy.
Yeah, we're not aggressive like men.
We think we know what we want, but...
We just need a little guidance.
- A push.
- Yeah.
Men, they have that
objective brain, you know.
They can see the big picture.
Well, I mean, I would
never say that exactly.
Yep.
So when this opportunity came up
in the six years that
we've known each other,
it was like...
Yeah, it was like-
Like had that hesitation before.
Right.
But then after a while, it's
like, what's the big deal?
But do you remember the fantasy,
it wasn't about me and Angie,
it was about you and me
doing something with Angie.
Yeah.
I just thought it would be a way
for you and I to connect
a little bit more.
How?
I mean, great.
But, I mean, I don't...
Well, it's about new
experiences for you and me,
and it's not just you teaching me.
No offense.
I don't think he wants to.
No, I'm up for learning new things.
Yeah?
Then come on in.
Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Mm.
Okay!
All right.
Uh...
Got the lube?
You know me.
Uh, Lizzie actually
never really needs that.
- So...
- Oh.
You will.
Wait, what, what're we doing?
Sexual exploration.
Oh, wait, this is Ryan
we're talking about.
He's already had a prostate massage.
No.
Oh. Well, then take 'em off.
I don't need that.
How do you know unless you try?
We're really happy with what we have.
Right, honey?
It's A plus, like, 100%.
Yeah, but Angie was
reading in this Vice article
that the prostate is the male G-spot
and the massage is the new blowjob, so...
'Kay.
The last time somebody,
it was my doctor checking for tumors.
And it didn't feel like a blowjob.
At all.
He probably just didn't read
the same article, you know?
Look, I think I can
remember all the details.
I'll just run Lizzie through it,
and then you guys can
explore each other together.
Right?
Is that what you want?
Yeah.
No.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, it's so mean!
That's what you get
for trying to put me on
into fucking my friend, asshole!
I'm sorry, I was honestly
just trying to, like,
be an idiot, I guess, but...
Mmhmm.
Oh, man.
I woulda done it, too.
I swear, I really woulda done it.
That was abundantly clear.
Well, I'll send Lizzie the article,
and she can teach people
all around the world
on her trip, you know?
Cultural exchange.
You're still going on your trip, right?
You're not stickin' around for this guy.
I mean, that list, it's
not even about you.
Hey, I, I love her.
Yeah, so?
Because if you love someone,
you want their life to be
as full as yours was, right?
I mean, it's only reasonable.
Why are you trying to reason everything?
Everything has to be reason, facts,
logic, statistics, that sort of thing,
and love shouldn't ever
have to be about that.
No, I'm not trying to do that.
No, I mean, I don't know.
I mean, there's a lot of
science to it, though, right?
Aren't you supposed to
figure out relationships?
Isn't that what relationships are about?
Okay, well, let's say, um,
let's say you have a couple.
They've been together their whole lives.
Both of them have been completely
unfaithful to each other,
and the other person is not aware of this.
Okay.
They live our their
whole lives together.
Kids, grandkids, and die happily.
I mean, is that reasonable?
No, no, no.
'Cause if you start a
relationship on a basis of lies,
then it's not a real relationship.
Okay.
Okay.
So we have...
Happy couple.
Uh, happiness plus millions of lies,
divided by no breakup,
equals,
but it's not...
So these guys don't break up
because of the millions of lies.
You realize what just happened, right?
You just kicked my ass.
For the second time today.
I mean, I guess my degree was useful.
Yeah, check it off.
Okay.
Oh, look.
Is this what you wanted?
For me to win this
argument or this debate?
It's cool when you win arguments.
But, no, that's not,
I'm not living to win,
or to have you win or anything.
I want something good, you know?
I just don't want to fight, that's all.
I mean, I come from, you know, my parents,
they were high school sweethearts,
and now they hate each other
because they just keep fighting
and fighting and fighting,
and my dad keeps on wining,
and I hate watching that.
I don't wanna win.
Don't wanna win.
Yeah.
Mm, ha ha.
So what do you want to do?
How much time do we have?
Till the, yeah, um,
let's see.
An hour and 38 minutes.
Okay.
Well, if you want to be real scientific
about this whole thing,
I read an article about
how if you ask each other
36 questions,
and then by the end of
it, you're apparently...
Oh, you're supposed to be
falling in love at the end.
And you're supposed to,
you're supposed to stare
in each other's eyes
for a few minutes.
We can do that.
I'm starving, though.
Okay, um, we have pizza from Blake.
Mm.
Can we bake some cookies?
Yes, totally, bake cookies?
Yeah.
All right.
Uh, start off with this,
and we got butter...
Ryan, pick up the phone.
- Okay.
- Ryan...
- Is that your dad?
- Pick up the phone.
Yeah, but he calls me all the time, so...
It's okay, you haven't
spoke to him in like a month.
It's fine.
- You're sure?
- Yeah.
Just like two minutes just
to get rid of him, okay?
All right, there's some like
baking stuff over there.
Ryan, pick up the phone.
Just add egg and vegetable oil.
Vegetable oil.
You know what's goin'
on with your nephews?
One of them has size 12 shoe,
and he's probably now
about five foot seven.
You got a mother and father who are aging,
a family that you have
become estranged from,
because you're not there for the weddings,
for the funerals, for the Thanksgiving,
the other holidays.
You're just, like, out of it.
Okay, add eggs and,
vegetable oil.
But...
Fuck.
You're not making any money,
you're putting in all these hours.
Over here, you'd get a decent job,
and do whatever you want.
America is a land of opportunity.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- I've got a pool.
I've got a spa.
I got him on mute, don't worry.
What are you using this stuff for?
This is Jono's shit.
I have a barbecue.
Baking stuff is over here, okay?
I'll get it for you.
In our backyard.
Oh, yeah, I got a new Porsche.
It not only has tushy warmers,
it has tushy coolers.
This one on a hot day, you
put on the tushy cooler,
and it circulates cold air
so you don't get that
clammy feeling on your seat.
It looks like my butt's gonna be clammy
for a while, Dad.
Do you have a car over there?
No, I take the bus, Dad.
But a lot of people take the bus,
but what I mean is, like,
I'm establishing myself here.
Like, I'm making something of myself,
and I'm spending a lot
of time with Lizzie, so...
I don't know anything about her.
Dad, I tell you about
her all the time, you know?
She's awesome.
And I support her, you know?
100%.
What do
you mean you support her?
You mean you're being supportive of her,
you're not supporting her, God forbid.
No, Dad, I would never do that, okay?
I mean, I would of course do that
if I'm in a more financially...
What'd she go to school for?
Philosophy.
Philosophy?
That's for people who
can't make up their mind
what they wanna do.
Why didn't she major like in business
so she can make a living to support you
because I'm not sure you'll
be able to support yourself.
You think she's doin', like,
what the Russian brides do?
Dad, what're you talkin' about?
They put ads in the paper,
they put ads on the internet,
and they come over as a Russian bride,
and they're just the
sweetest things in the world
and they do everything for you
'cause they want the Green Card.
I think she's got higher
aspirations than that, Dad.
Yeah, she's a pretty mean baker.
If she
wants to bake, she can bake
cookies for her children.
Uh,
maybe.
What do you have in common
with the girls in New Zealand?
Nothing.
Maybe there's a Lizzie over here.
A good old American Lizzie.
Dad, come on.
I don't think we're gonna
find another Lizzie anywhere.
What about that Jessica girl,
the one you were with when
you were here last time?
Dad.
We went to buy
new furniture for a house.
- Dad.
- Lo and behold...
Dad, Dad, Dad, I got to go, okay?
But I wanna let you know
that it's time for you
to start showing some
respect for me, okay?
I'm really establishing myself
out here in the tech world.
Okay?
You're not even on Instagram.
Everybody's on Instagram except you.
Mm.
Uh, first one.
Pfft, easy.
If you could have any super
power, what would it be?
Obviously invisibility. Flying.
Yes.
Invisible flying.
Like Wonder Woman's plane, right?
Okay, cool.
Name three things you both
appear to have in common.
Uh,
gorgeous blue eyes.
You're not blue.
Pale.
Have a fuck load of fun.
I'm sure the third will come with time.
Uh, great hair.
Wow, thanks.
It's a little bit higher
each year, but okay.
We'll have less and less
in common over time.
Unless you thin out when you're older.
We're both very flexible.
- Flexible.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay.
And...
Both unsure about the future.
Uh, what is the greatest
accomplishment of your life?
Do you wanna have kids?
Is that on,
uh, separate, okay.
Uh, yes.
Do you wanna have kids?
One of my greatest fears
when I was growing up
was that, well, when
I was 18 specifically,
I remember that I was afraid
that by the time I reached 30,
I would be single and childless.
I know, I know, it's strange,
but I still think about it now.
I really, really want to travel,
but could I do that with a kid?
I don't know.
But at the same time, if I travel,
and I come back back,
and when I meet someone,
will it be too late?
Will I have, I dunno, dried
up by then?
I dunno.
I mean, I just feel like it's
my species responsibility
to procreate in some way, right?
I mean, isn't that what it's about?
It's like eating, defecating,
and populating, right?
Well, that's why the globe
is so overpopulated, right?
I read an article that if you had your SUV
parked in a driveway and
running 24 hours a day,
that that's still gonna
impact the environment
a lot less than if you were
to raise a western child.
That's the first I've
heard that you've read up
on any of that eco stuff.
If you knew you were going to die today,
what would you most regret
not telling someone?
Can we skip this one?
It should be really easy.
We don't have enough time.
Just say it.
No, we don't have enough time.
We have enough time!
I run the, just say it!
How hard is it to say?
You have enough time to say one thing.
You can do it.
Come on, just say what you wanna say.
How hard is it just to say
what you wanna say to somebody?
Just say it, say the one
thing that you wanna say.
Okay?
Okay.
What is Zed Picket Fence?
You've been going through my laptop?
When you came back
from the US last month,
I asked to borrow your computer,
while you, Mr. Eco-friendly,
were taking a 40-fucking-minute
shower, by the way,
and this was just an open
window on your computer.
And I didn't think
anything of it at the time,
but do you mind telling me
what these pictures are?
It's pictures.
And what about Jessica?
You brought her up like three times
since you got back from the US.
And I may have Facebook
stalked her from your profile,
and I saw an album on there
that matched the exact same photos
that you have on this folder.
Okay, sit down.
Sit down.
Ryan,
if you want to be in a
genuine relationship with me,
you have to start being genuine.
Okay.
Okay.
Jessica, she's,
I went out with her in my senior year,
and things were nice.
And my dad told me to break up with her
because, you know,
there'd be tons of other girls in college,
and don't settle too early.
Fast forward 18 years later,
she finds me on Facebook,
and I just became obsessed.
I mean, she was with a guy
that she got pregnant with,
and they have these almost grown up kids.
Grown up.
I haven't even grown up, you know?
So her husband was out of town,
and the kids were away, you
know, with the grandparents,
and so we went out to dinner
to the old diner that we
always went to in high school.
And she was, it was really nice.
It was like old times.
And I drove her home.
And the house that she lives in now
is the same house that she grew up in.
And so I'd been there before,
and she was telling me
about all these renovations,
and so we went inside,
and it was pretty dark.
We walked to the basement,
and we were sitting there,
and we didn't.
We didn't do...
But, I mean, we kissed, okay?
Okay?
All right.
That's good.
And so, um,
there was a thought in my mind, like, wow,
I'm gonna be with this girl
for the rest of my life.
This is exactly what I wanted,
and I felt 100% at home
for the first time in like 18 years.
Did you ever think about
me at all during that?
Oh my God, man, I thought about you
every fucking step of the way.
You know?
And that wasn't good, 'cause
we're not supposed to,
I'm not supposed to think about you.
I'm supposed to be free and open, right?
And as I'm thinking about
this, she took me upstairs,
and I don't know why, but
she flipped on the light
when we were at the top of the stairs,
and everything changed.
The appliances were shiny,
and all of the edges were hard and white,
and it just wasn't,
it wasn't home anymore.
And she took me up the stairs
to what used to be her
parents' master bedroom,
and it just wasn't right,
and I just freaked.
I just said, "I got to get outta here."
So I said I had to use the bathroom.
You know, the
oldest excuse in the book.
And she and I had sex in that bathroom
when we were in high school,
and now, at that same sink,
that one.
The rest are from Facebook,
but I shot that one 'cause I just,
it hit me.
Those two toothbrushes, man.
I thought, this is not my home.
This is not my place, you know?
And it was, fuck,
it was weird, you know?
It was weird being there.
And I left,
and then I was like, oh,
God, I forgot my phone.
And so I went back to get my phone,
and she was in the bathroom,
and she told me to hold on a minute,
and I swear to God, that was it.
What about that one?
I don't know why she took that.
It's,
maybe it was some kinda thing
to tell me she's still got it?
Or to stay away.
Yeah, maybe that's it,
that's what that whole
folder is, you know?
So I guess you're off the hook
and you didn't break any rules.
I was hiding.
I was hiding to protect our relationship.
'Cause I didn't wanna say this,
but I got to say it now.
It was never about Jessica.
I don't think the white
picket fence is for me.
You don't want success?
No, no, no, it's not about success.
I would love to be a success,
but it's that, like, it's that lifestyle.
PTA, the poker nights,
the watering, and the herbiciding,
and the mowing of the grass.
The making sure you have new
furniture every five years,
you now, like the white picket fence.
It's not for me.
And I was afraid that if I told you that
then you would wanna leave
and I couldn't risk that.
I couldn't risk that.
I don't wanna risk that.
It's not like we talked
about longterm anyway.
Oh, come on, are you kidding me?
Longterm, that's all I ever
think about is longterm.
You think that this whole eco thing,
echo hippy thing that I do, right,
aren't you a little bit concerned
as to why this started out of nowhere?
I think you're too busy
thinking about the fucking planet
to think about what's
right in front of you.
That's what I think.
Three months ago I
decided that I loved you
more than anybody I've ever met.
And I see you looking
at those wedding photos.
I see you looking at the dresses,
I see you looking at the pictures
of the carbon copy
McMansions and everything,
and I wanted to give you what you want.
Three months ago I looked
up the word stability,
not sustainability, stability, right?
And what did I find?
I found out that there's climate change,
I found out about peak oil,
I found out about soil depletion,
phosphorous depletion, water pollution.
There's only half of
one percent of the water
left for the planet that we can even do,
we're adding 220,000 people
to the planet every day.
You don't think I know
these kinda statistics
that you're citing me out there?
I know this stuff.
This, this here comes from China,
this here comes from fucking Korea,
this here is built
entirely on fossil fuels,
and what happens when we can't afford
to pull fossil fuels out
of the ground anymore?
I don't know, are we all
gonna be goin' around
and carrying spears,
or are we gonna be like Amish farmers?
The suburbs are fucked,
are they gonna just like pave
those down and build farms,
and throw everybody into super cities?
Like, I don't know, I have
no idea what's stable.
Now it might make more sense for you
to accept what's right in front of you.
Excuse me?
Say it.
- What?
- Say you love me!
Say you wanna be with me.
I'm here.
I'm the most stable thing you got.
You want the truth?
You wanna know why this is all like this?
It's because I met you on fucking Tinder!
Because all I ever fucking
wanted from you was a fling.
Yeah, we have great sex and
we have a fucking great time,
but you're just this old fucking man
who just can't maintain any
of his fucking relationships!
Just this fucking startup wannabe,
you can't even control the damn tickets
on your own fucking company!
I knew it was gonna be easy
not to fall in love with you.
Because your life was lacking direction,
you weren't doing anything with it.
Wow, that's,
yeah.
I'm sorry, I...
No, it's...
I don't know if any of that was true,
I just said that to hurt you
because I'm afraid of everything.
Of relationships of,
oh, Jesus.
I'm just not an interesting person.
I have nothing to offer anybody.
Want some article quotes?
I'm just another cog in the system,
just another face in the book.
I'm living my life and
not doing anything with it
and I don't know why.
No, no.
I just sit in front of
a screen most of the week,
I just go on autopilot.
I don't know what to say to people,
I don't know how to be in any situation
when I'm looking at these photos
of people getting married,
and being so happy.
Just the smiling, and living everything
that they probably wanted and more.
And I don't have that, you know?
I mean, look at me, right?
I've been like traveling
and experiencing things
my entire life, you know,
dabbled in this and that,
and yeah, it makes for a very
extensive Facebook profile,
but where has it gotten me?
I mean, look at me.
I'm single, I'm alone,
I've never committed to anything,
and it's gotten me absolutely nothing.
I'm not some kind of sexy
alternative to stability.
What is stability?
You.
Yeah.
Stability is you.
You can boil water in it.
And you'll need to.
Cancel the trip.
Are you sure?
Because I can,
okay.
Why'd you do it?
I'm gonna do it on my own.
All on your own, or...
How long is the love stare?
Well, I don't know, but I can Google it.
Let's just do a minute.
Ryan.
Yeah?
We should have sex right now.
One,
two,
three.
Shh, shh.
Jono, Jono's asleep.
Jono.
Wait, Jono's not here.
Jono's not here this weekend.
Beth is gone, too!
We have the place to ourselves.
We have the place to ourselves.
We have the place to ourselves!
Our kitchen!
We have the kitchen to ourselves!
This is Jonathan's room, get out!
Okay.
Roommate's gonna kill me.
Ohh, let's go in the pool!
Let's go in the pool,
let's go in the pool.
Pool.
Why didn't you jump?
What if the neighbors see?
What do you care?
They're not your neighbors.
I don't.
Okay.
Hang on one sec, I've got an idea.
I've got an idea.
What's your idea?
Mm.
Ooh, ah.
It's your next creation.
Oh, my God.
It's so good.
Mmm!
Mm.
We can do anything today.
Anything at all, what do you wanna do?
How is Cabbage Patch Dolls
not a top toy of the 80s?
Why is a Tamagotchi
not a top toy of the 90s?
What's a Tamagotchi?
Really?
Hey, which one of these would you post?
Those are the same cupcake, right?
Yeah, but different angles.
Oh, give me your laptop.
Blowjob on a boat?
Yeah.
- Been tied up?
- Yup.
Kissed before exchanging names?
Yup.
Squirted?
No, wait, that's not even
a real thing.
Prostate massage?
- No, thank you.
- Are you sure?
- Ahhh.
- Just once?
Hey, have
you seen my phone cord?
There it is.
Why do you keep so much stuff with you?
Well, you never know.
Enough of these.
Let's go to Angie's boudoir album.
Are you gonna put
yourself in there again?
Maybe.
Yeah, you want to?
- Maybe.
- Yeah?
How 'bout both of us?
Oh yeah, if you want.
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
Okay, I might need your advice on this,
'cause there are 10 things in life
that I'll only realize when I'm old.
- Totally qualified.
- Yep, yep, okay.
Firstly, fight for the thing
that means the most to you.
Yep.
- Agree?
- Yep.
You were born for greatness,
believe in yourself.
Oh, absolutely.
Everyone's born for greatness.
- I'm great, I'm great.
- You're great.
- I think you're great.
- Thank you.
- Stop.
- Go, next one.
- All right, next one.
- Read it, read it.
Do it your way, no regrets.
Do everything with,
like, no consequence,
and be like, "I'm glad I did it that way."
Absolutely.
Okay, sure, yes.
- Yes?
- Yes.
Yeah.
What's the last one?
Find your own path.
Yeah.
Yeah, find your own path.
My path is gonna take me to
the best pastries in the world.
Mmm, sounds good.
- France.
- Ohh.
Gotta go to France first.
No, this reminds me of work.
I can't stop thinkin' about that big trip.
What trip?
Ah, it's our latest trip deal.
We're pushin' on our fan page,
social media and everywhere.
If that one doesn't take off
then Magic Wanderers is poof.
Oh, yup, "Our most magical wander yet."
"35 countries, all flights
and hostel stay included."
Yeah, I still
can't believe I let Jono
go out of town when it's such
a big weekend for the site.
He and Beth, it's been three months
and she's already movin' in.
You think it's a little fast?
Wow.
Ah.
Let's see, yellow, keep it mellow.
If it's brown, flush it down.
Savin' the planet one flush at a time.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!
What? What?
That blog, the sugar free recipe!
It's been re-pinned 53 times.
Get out of town.
And it's got three
comments for me to approve.
Okay, do it.
I'm too nervous.
- Come on, you can do it.
- You do it, you do it.
Come on, you do it for me.
Okay, all right.
Okay.
Uh, let's skip the first one.
Why?
What is it?
This recipe looks like sweetened poo.
Definitely canceled, okay.
The second one's like
the thing for Viagra.
It's a link I could use some day.
Just keep it up there, no, no?
Okay, all right.
This last one is no big deal.
It just says, "Your recipe rocks."
"I tried it with my kids,
"and they loved it despite the low sugar.
"Thanks," three exclamation marks.
Yes, you did, baby!
Let me tell you, if a third
of your comments are good,
you're an internet star.
Have you thought about
that bakery cart idea?
Not really.
'Cause in Portland and San Francisco,
it's a huge movement.
I think you could be amazing
at here in New Zealand.
You can make it happen.
Maybe.
Yeah, or in the meantime,
you could teach me to bake today.
- Okay.
- Yes?
- Okay.
- Okay, cool.
There's this recipe on
your site that's like,
what, are you making wedding dresses?
Is there a new subject, "Dear Blog,"
- that I should know about?
- No.
That's just my stupid cousin.
She wants me to be a
bridesmaid at her wedding.
Oh, well, that's not stupid, right?
Well, she's like 21.
Why is she getting married that young?
I mean, did people in your generation
get married that young?
Oh, my generation?
Oh, you mean like the Great Depression?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
We had to sit together back then, so...
No, seriously.
Oh, well, there was this one girl.
Her name was Jessica,
and we dated for a little bit,
and then we broke up right after school,
and the first guy she went out with
after that got her pregnant.
Oh.
Yeah, so she had kids right away.
She must've had a very
boring sex life, then,
with just the one guy.
But at the same time, you know,
if you're with one person for a long time,
they can start to know all your
tricks and licks, you know?
I remember this thing that she used
to do to me in her basement.
No, wait, hang on, hang on.
We have a rule that we don't
go into detail about our exes.
Okay.
Are you jealous?
No.
You don't have to be jealous.
There's nothing to threaten you here.
'Cause if it really bothered you,
one thing that we could do is
I could just change my relationship status
to be attached to Lizzie Conley.
Are you serious?
No.
Oh, my God, why would you do that?
No, I didn't do it.
I did it, but it doesn't
count until you approve it.
Well, the great thing
about our relationship
is that we're free to be just us,
just be honest and everything.
Okay, yeah, of course, yeah.
I mean, we have an honest, open thing.
I don't want to, you know?
- That's not who we are.
- No.
We're free to do and be,
and be and do who...
Right, we're open, and...
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I mean, we don't have to
be like Ozzie and Harriet,
Donna Reid, 1950s Nick
at Nite show, you know?
Like your job is to make my dinner
on time when we get home from work.
Absolutely, and make sure
that you say grace at the table.
Yes, everyone holding hands,
and then our 2.5 children...
Playing Yahtzee.
Playing Yahtzee at the end of the night,
and goin' to bed.
In separate beds.
Thank you for that sexual intercourse.
Oh, you're very welcome.
I was pretending the whole time.
At least now I have my sperm inside you,
so that you can give me my third child.
Aw, thank you, darling.
You're such a loving provider.
No white picket fence for us.
Mm.
Turn off the...
Okay, 80%, this water.
And energy.
Hey, so I want to talk to you...
I just wanted to say
that I'm totally okay
with this whole no strings
attached thing, okay?
I'm not gonna get obsessive or crazy.
It's your path 100% of the way.
Okay?
Hey, so you know the deal on your site?
I thought we weren't
gonna talk about work today.
The thing is makin' me lose
more money and hair by the day.
Yeah, but I'm thinking of taking it.
Great.
Great.
No.
No, no, it's great.
Can you afford it?
I don't know, I mean, I
can borrow from somebody.
You know what, it's crazy.
We don't have to talk about work.
We don't need another potential
customer in the shower.
It's okay.
If you're gonna be on my show,
you better not use a recipe book.
Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Watch the pro, watch the pro.
Stop moving it, just leave it.
Hold it, hold it, hold it. Okay.
Check this out.
Oh, shit.
- Oh, clearly.
- See?
That's really
good, just one hand.
This is like cake mix.
- Okay.
- What did you do?
- Is that bad?
- That's very bad.
Ahh.
Magic.
And in the US they make
these silver dollar ones.
I don't know if they do that here.
Like pikelets.
Pie clits?
- Pikelets.
- Pie clits?
They're like really small, Yeah.
More, more, more,
more, more, more...
No, that's enough, that's
enough, that's enough.
Oh, man.
This is gonna make me kinda sick, huh?
All right.
Um,
can we?
No, I don't, I don't want,
we were talking before
about the whole 50s thing,
and it's ridiculous, right?
But one thing that we
don't really ever do is,
I don't really do enough,
is give gratitude, you know?
So, I just thought,
but it's stupid, it's
stupid, let's just eat.
No, wait, hang on, hang
on, hang on, hang on.
I watched a Ted Talk where people
who are grateful happen to live longer.
Okay, yeah.
Let's live longer.
- Okay.
- Okay.
All right.
Okay, uh,
I'm grateful to be here at Ryan's house,
which is swanky.
Well, it's not really my house.
It's more like Jono's house.
- You still live here.
- Well, I just live here.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Uh, I'm thankful to the universe
for creating stars that blow up
into different elements
and reassemble themselves
into amazing pancakes with
the help of an amazing cook.
I'm grateful to maple
syrup for being on sale.
I'm grateful to maple
syrup trees in Canada
that have survived
climate change long enough
to stay cold enough to keep
making syrup for us forever.
I'm grateful to fossil
fuels for bringing me
cute American guys to
New Zealand to play with.
And to Magic Wanders, uh, that exists
because for the first
time in world history,
people can truly wander at
will to pursue happiness
in any way that they want.
Amen?
It looks amazing, isn't it?
It's so good, mm-hmm.
It is gorgeous.
Oh, I know what we can do.
We can go over and start
off in Enigma, right?
And then slowly go up Mount Vick.
Please untag me from the photo.
Okay.
I just don't want my
colleagues and stuff...
No, no, I wouldn't want you
to stop dating your colleagues,
or have the option at least to...
No.
No, it's okay, it's okay.
Also, Tinder is an option for you as well.
It's still on your phone. Yeah.
I should get rid of it eventually.
Did you?
Oh, no, it's probably still
maybe in the back of my phone somewhere.
I think I have it, like,
inside of a folder of a folder.
I can do a search for it, but...
I just think online's just,
try and keep things private sometimes.
You don't have to tell
everybody everything.
Ooh, your college friend, Angie,
oh, speak of the devil,
is liking my photos.
She thinks I'm sexy.
That's not the word she used for me.
She's stalking both of us.
I think you two are meant
to be together, basically.
Maybe.
I'll tell you what.
Are you snapping her?
Yeah.
Snapchatting or whatever?
That's amateur.
Phone sex.
Now that is a lost art.
- What are you doing?
- Calling Angie.
Oh, my God, no you're not.
Yes.
No, no, no!
Wait, wait, it's ringing.
- It's okay.
- Are you serious?
No, no, no, no, no, no!
Wait, wait, hang on, hang on, hang on!
It's still ringing, let her pick up.
Stop, come on.
That's crossing the line.
What's wrong with a little analog love?
I don't even know what that is.
Oh, really?
Mmm.
Oh, we never had sex up here.
Let's do it.
No, we don't...
Tell you what, tell you what, hang on.
Okay.
Let's make it like a sexercise thing.
I'm gonna be like the girl
from Midnight Espresso, okay,
'cause I know you like her,
and you'll be like thrusting this way,
and then I'm gonna be up this way,
and yeah, it'll be like
two birds with one stone.
No.
Let me tell you something.
I have a confession to make, okay?
No, no, no, it's okay, you
don't have to tell me anything.
No, I do.
I got to let you know.
You're not just like a body to me.
Yeah?
I love you.
Yay.
I don't know, Mum, just busy.
I'm not comparing my life
to old uni friends, okay?
Nothing, I'm just super
stressed right now.
Yeah, he just got back from the U.S.
Hey, Mummy, I got to go.
Okay, we'll talk some more soon.
Okay, bye.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Keep using my laptop if you wanna.
Okay.
Ah,
I've been thinkin' about the trip.
Yeah, me, too.
Okay, all right.
So, if you're thinking about the trip,
I'm thinking about the trip,
I was thinking that maybe
instead of going out
for lunch or something like that,
maybe I could help
figure it out, you know?
'Cause I wanna be of some kind of use.
I know that I can't do anything
on the Magic Wanders end of it.
I mean, it's a one time deal,
but I can help you talk
it out, you know, or...
But it's not just
about the trip, though.
Yeah, I mean, you've got
the bakery cart options
and everything like
that, I totally get it,
but I just figured if you take that trip,
this could be our last day together.
Yeah?
Okay, let's do it.
Let's do it.
Yeah.
We're gonna have a hot lava
moat around the house, okay?
- Okay.
- We're locked in.
We can't leave.
- Just you and me.
- Just us.
Okay.
Uh,
what do we do?
I have no idea.
A list.
Probably start with Vegas.
Vegas? Okay, cool.
Uh, parkour.
- Parkore, like...
- No, I'm just kidding.
No, I want you to do it.
- Build a home.
- Okay.
Get in shape.
Get in shape.
Everybody wants to get in shape, right?
Mm-hmm.
Learn an instrument.
On top of that, learn a language.
Um, open a bakery.
Yeah, awesome.
Karate champion.
I used to be a brown belt in high school.
- What?
- Join the circus.
Yes. Yes.
Oh, make a web series.
Use my degree?
Use your degree in...
- Philosophy.
- Philosophy.
That's a little, yes,
you will find a way.
Every day, you're using it.
- Yeah, no?
- Yeah.
Okay.
Oh, you've been tagged.
It's your sister and nephews.
I know, yeah, they're cute.
It says your dad tagged you,
but you're not in it.
Ah.
Yeah.
What else? Uh, long term stuff.
I'd like to pay off my student loans.
Maybe have a family?
Have a family? Sure.
What else?
White picket fence?
What do you think about that?
And
what about, like, romance?
I mean, you got your whole
life ahead of you here.
At least...
- I dunno.
- Somethin'.
Like, it might be weird,
but just to be honest
about the list, we'll just put this here.
There we go.
Just an idea.
Yeah?
Okay.
Shall we?
That's a lot of stuff.
Yeah, that's a lot of stuff.
But we could do it.
Today.
Reverse strip blackjack.
Look at this, we got
clothes everywhere, right?
I mean, half of this is
Beth's, and the rest is Paris.
Whoever loses, has to put on a layer.
- Hit.
- Boom, you lose!
Why did you hit on 19?
Aww, come on, bust you.
Very nice.
Business underneath, and butch,
maybe not so much...
With the kitty cat.
That's a different kind of butch.
Getting a little sweaty in there, huh?
It's all right.
Maybe gambling isn't your thing.
Maybe like a Grand Canyon in the US trip
would be your best bet?
What about you, you've
moved to Wellington.
You got your start up and
you could lose it any minute.
Yeah, but, I dunno,
it was just kinda time
to be an adult, you know?
I wanted to make something of myself.
You got to take a risk
sometimes to get what you want.
I get the whole bakery thing,
I wanna do the bakery thing,
but travel...
Yeah, and don't let anybody
hold you back from that.
I was dating this girl in
San Francisco, and she...
Hang on, hang on, we
have a rule, remember?
Oh, yeah, okay.
You know what? Sod it.
Tell me the story.
You sawed it?
Sod, S-O-D.
S-O-D, sod it.
Just put grass on it.
Which means...
Screw it, like screw it.
Cool.
Okay, 'cause it's kind of a
stupid rule anyway, right?
Yeah, so this girl, uh,
she was obsessed with painting,
and I thought she was amazingly talented.
And she just had this dream, you know,
like to get away from her crazy mother,
and her little small town
life, and do something.
And I tried to help her in any
way that I could, you know.
I was like trying to
sign her up for classes,
and she wouldn't go,
and I was trying to take
her to art galleries,
and she wouldn't go,
and so finally I just, like,
I had to leave her just
to give her her space
so she could be who she wanted to be.
And I went traveling.
And I went Calcutta, and it blew my mind,
and I went to Tokyo, and it blew my mind,
and I went to Sri Lanka,
and it blew my mind.
And I kept get getting
higher, higher, higher
until my head exploded,
and it was one of the best explosions,
second best explosion, ever.
- Hit?
- Yes.
- Are you sure you wanna hit?
- I'm gonna win this.
You're so busted!
So easy!
You know I was just
kidding about Parkour, right?
Sometimes our greatest
dreams are kidded first.
And two, and three, and...
It's easy!
Remember to breathe.
Are my buns steel-ifying?
Feel that burn!
My tempo, my tempo!
My tempo, my tempo,
my tempo, my tempo, my tempo!
Come on, no.
You're looking at me like
that's an impossible move
or something like that.
Anybody can do that.
That's not what I meant.
Nobody can do,
very few people.
There's only one per, there's two.
You're amazing in every way.
- Maori language.
- Maori.
Okay, oh, yeah, bro.
Let's go.
- No.
- That sounds right.
Doesn't that sound good?
Is that, is that racist?
Is that bad?
That's pretty bad.
You know what? I got this.
I can do it, okay, I don't need this.
Uh,
all righty.
Here we go.
Ahh!
That was fucking awesome.
I'm gonna email this to you, okay?
You can post it and send
it to everybody you know.
It's all right, you can tag me.
I'm gonna do it again.
Yeah.
If you can get one more
sheet from down there,
and we'll just cover it up at the top.
Take this,
this...
- This right here.
- Ahh!
- Like this?
- No.
- Like this?
- No.
- Like this?
- No!
Like this?
Oh, your McMansion is killing me!
It's my house, eco boy!
So how can I be more useful here?
Okay, you can go make us some tea.
I'm American, I don't
know how to make tea.
Well done.
Is this earthquake proof, though?
- Oh, totally.
- Okay.
Totally.
I am seriously impressed.
It could use some art, though, you know?
Well, what about that painter girl?
She's busy, trust me.
How do you know?
All right, so I was
traveling for like three months
after we broke up, right,
and I'm getting a little
bit lonely on the road.
And so at an internet cafe in Ghana,
I Facebook stalk her, right?
I look on her profile, and
her picture is just just her
but it's also this guy
with his arm around her,
and looks nothing like me,
but looks a lot like her dad.
It was a little weird before I realized
that actually this guy also lives
in the same small town that
she was trying to escape from.
I find out from my mom
a couple months later
that she's engaged,
and I find out from my mom a
couple months later after that
that they're married,
and a couple months after
that, nuclear family, you know?
I didn't ask.
It must be kinda nice to
have some sort of stability.
You know, have a nice house,
and maybe a trampoline in the backyard.
Yeah.
I mean, did she ever paint again?
I checked the fan page that I made her,
there wasn't another post.
Twitter, Instagram, same thing.
And I googled everywhere to see if she'd
done anything with her life at that point,
but, like, no painting.
Uh, but don't read into it.
You know, it's...
Bakery is next.
Uh, let's go to the kitchen.
Let's do...
Can we skip this one?
Yeah.
Yeah, okay, yeah.
Uh, then,
yeah.
Yeah.
What was that?
Oh!
You almost burnt my face
on the hot lava line.
And you don't care, all right.
You were clearly the school bully.
When's the last time
you said you did this?
I was 17.
I was gonna quit earlier,
but there was this cute
guy in class, Ethan.
Oh, okay.
Cool, it's worth gettin' violent
for an Ethan, right?
Yeah, he went to a
different high school,
and he had dreams, kind
of like your painter girl,
except, you know, he went for his dreams.
He got into this prestigious
music school in Vienna.
Okay.
And, you know, I thought I loved him,
so I was young, I let him go, you know.
But I looked him on
Facebook four years later,
and turns out the last post he ever made
was three years before that.
Ahh, okay, so he either ended up being
a failed musician,
or he turned out to be so successful
that he's like fuck social media,
I'm just gonna be my true artist self.
Actually, he was dead.
About six months after he moved,
he was crossing the street
and got hit by a car.
That's fuckin' terrible.
Look, it was three years ago,
and we dated seven years ago, but...
- Do you wanna just...
- What?
It seems like a weird...
What, what are you doing?
Okay.
Actually, it was kind of
alleviated by the fact
that it was a memorial tribute
from his Austrian girlfriend
who he had been dating for two years.
Wait, like two years.
She was an exchange
student at his high school.
He'd been seeing me
and her at the same time.
I think she was probably the reason
why he moved to Vienna.
That's fuckin' awful.
Seriously.
Come on, get up.
Got one more move.
The hell are you doing?
All right, if you don't know
what that is, then you win.
You win.
No, no, no, hey, I'm kidding.
It's the Karate Kid.
Thank you.
With Jane Smith.
I'll ring your...
It's like so easy in the YouTubes.
Yes, yes, yes!
- No!
- Yes, no, yes!
Ready, circus superstar?
I'm ready to be the star attraction.
One,
two,
three.
Wait!
You're Superwoman!
What's it like up there?
Feels amazing!
Oh, oh! Oof!
- You okay?
- I'm okay.
You're okay.
Ahh.
It's a short career.
Ow.
You havin' a good time today?
Yeah, I'm having a great time.
Good.
So we're good then, right?
We're doin' pretty good, you and me.
- Mm.
- Mm.
Do you believe in polyamory?
Uh, isn't that officially what we have?
Um, we're not really official.
Well, it's like technical, I mean...
Are you dating anyone else?
Not that I know of.
Last time I checked, you
were lying next to me
like six to seven nights a week.
Are you dating anyone
while I'm sleeping or...
Obviously I'm not.
Okay, good.
All I'm saying that maybe what I had
with Ethan was polyamory.
Well, it woulda been cool,
but it would be nice
to have known about it.
Yeah.
Sounds like a cool idea.
I think that's a prerequisite.
I don't think, honestly,
at the end of the day,
people can share much of anything.
What do you mean?
Well, all right, so I went
to this commune in Spain
where they literally did
share everything, yeah?
One of those intentional communities,
and you share money and resources, and...
Yeah.
Why is that bad for you?
I mean, it's all about
sustainability, right?
Yeah, no, I didn't even
know what sustainability was.
Until like three months ago,
and I'm just saying that,
like, they lost a lot of people
because they couldn't hold onto 'em.
Everybody wanted their
own stuff, you know?
And in this day and age where
everything's about, you know,
the white picket fence and
keeping up with the Joneses,
there was this gal, her name was Indigo,
and she was my host.
And at community dinners, we
would sit next to each other,
and her leg was like
rubbing up against my leg,
and I don't know, but she told me
that I should meet her at
this building along the creek.
So that night, I go and
I walk along the creek,
and there are signs there that say,
"This way, Love Hut number seven."
So I'm like, okay.
So I get there, and there's
this guy waiting for me,
and he introduces himself
as Indigo's husband.
- Yeah.
- What?
And he's simply there with
a big bright smile on his face
giving me instructions on
exactly how to please his wife.
Because when I say they shared everything,
I mean, they literally,
like, shared everything?
Did you go through with it?
Yeah.
I mean, you know, like social obligation.
And he gave me instructions.
I just think at the end of the day,
it's not good for the kids.
Maybe it is good for those kids,
but I grew up in a world where it's like
one man, one woman,
or I guess now it could be two
women or two men, you know.
But they're in a committed relationship.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
And Anything else kind of feels
like they're lying to themselves.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I don't think I could be with a guy
who's lying to himself anyway.
Yeah.
I want something viral.
Something viral and edgy.
What's edgy?
The licking.
Oh, like sexy licking?
- Yeah?
- It's different!
- Yes, yes.
- Yeah.
Yes, edgy, safe for work.
Uh, good for kids but not really.
No, no, yeah, yeah, that's brilliant.
I'm gonna take it off.
You ready?
I'm gonna leave it on, okay.
Oh my God, I've already got two likes
on that Facebook video.
Two, that's absolutely viral.
Yeah, like 10 people
catch measles or something,
then, yeah, that's like a virus.
You win.
Three comments.
The first one says, "Lizzie
has started a meme!"
There is no higher compliment.
I know.
Um, second one says,
"You should totally do it"
"gonzo style."
What's that, is he
referring to the Muppet?
Like throw some chickens
at 'em or something,
but I think it means more like attack,
like in-your-face type thing?
Oh okay, the little cartoon pizza guy,
it says he's around the corner.
This is exactly like one
of those pornos, actually.
You know like where the guy
shows up with the pizza.
They're like, oh, I don't
have enough money to pay,
- and you...
- Yeah.
You haven't seen it, you're too young.
I have seen it, I have seen it.
It's vintage porn!
You know what? No, I've got a better idea.
He's here.
He's gonna enter the door,
and I'm gonna try and get,
you know, all sexy like
to get him to try and...
Yeah, but we already said that.
And you got to keep recording, okay?
But he's gonna eat it, not me.
We already did the plan, let's just go.
No, why does everything have to be
according to what you wanna do?
Not everything has to be
according to your plan.
Okay? Just follow along.
Just record, and I'll do everything, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Okay.
- Ready?
All right, yeah.
Hey.
Hey, Hell Pizza, how you goin'?
Got a large cheese, large 'lux,
and a salad for you guys.
What's with the camera?
Uh, we're doing a
documentary on pizza delivery.
Blake?
Do I know you?
Blake's the guy I lost my virginity to.
Yup, we got drunk at a party,
and we just did it on the bathroom floor,
and you got up and took off.
Uh...
No?
You don't remember me,
you don't recognize me?
No.
Dude?
I sent you this naked picture of myself.
Next thing I know, it
gets emailed back to me
by all my friends.
I heard that you were going
around bragging to everybody
how you banged this random slut.
Well, I used to drink a lot of piss
and do a lot of dumb shit,
but can't apologize to everyone.
Just, just,
we're gonna pay for the pizza.
How much is it?
39.50.
Hey.
I'm really sorry back there.
I shoulda stood up for you.
I wanted to, you know, but...
Okay, it was my fault.
It's not your fault.
That guy's a douchebag, you know?
And we're living in a world where people
send random naked pictures to people,
you know, that they barely know.
I mean, it's, it's the age.
Yeah?
Yeah, well, you've caught up
pretty quickly, haven't you?
I mean, what's the difference?
We're taking pictures now.
I don't know if I can trust
you with these pictures.
Are you serious?
It's 'cause I fuckin' respect you.
I love you.
And you love me.
Right?
I love you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Oh, hey, shh.
Jeez!
This is, it's just my
great grandmother's ring.
I'm just supposed to use it on someone,
I'm just supposed
to be able to use it with,
I just want some kind
of commitment, you know.
Like any kind, really.
We can go Facebook official.
I don't wanna feel trapped.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's, that's fine.
I get it.
Yeah, that's okay.
- That's good.
- Ryan.
Ryan!
I didn't mean what I meant, okay?
Whatever we've had, it's been great,
and I don't see why we have to start
labeling things now, right?
I mean, we're happy, aren't we?
I've had a great day.
Why can't it just be like this?
What's, what is so wrong with that?
Are you even gonna look at me?
I think what we have
right now is wonderful.
Okay, I...
I think the last six months have been
just beyond amazing.
I don't know where I'm
gonna be in the future,
I don't even know where I'm
gonna be in three weeks.
Okay?
I think what we have is fine.
It's over now anyway.
What?
Would a guy trying to trap a girl
spend 80% of his life savings
putting her on a solo
trip around the world?
Yes.
What?
Cancel it.
What?
No, no.
I'm not gonna cancel it.
This is like the ultimate
control right here, okay?
I wanna go.
I really, really wanna go, okay?
But I wanna do it my own way.
I wanna find my own way of getting there.
I don't need you to pay something for me.
I'll get money from my parents,
I'll put it on someone's credit card,
I'll do the crowd funding thing.
Fuck it, I'll do it if I have to,
but I'm gonna find my own way.
You already have a free ticket from me.
You have one from some
that you care about.
If you wanna pay me back,
you can pay me back.
If you don't wanna pay me back,
you don't have to pay me back.
I will cancel if you want me
to get rid of an opportunity
for you to see the world.
Is that what you really want?
It is a click away.
How long have you got to cancel it?
Uh, officially, it's two weeks
before you're supposed to
leave, like, to the dot.
So that's
three hours and 22 minutes from now.
Okay.
Thank you so much for putting
me in this position, okay?
Has this whole day been a lie?
Has this been about you using this day
to try and get me to your level
so that I'm in your life forever
with the whole open the
whole bakery thing, and...
You're a baker!
You like baking!
And the period track app, yeah?
You're saying the whole no condom thing
and trying to get me pregnant?
You're trying to control my body, too?
I can't feel anything
with a condom, it's,
and I haven't felt anything in, ooh...
No, you're being controlling,
manipulative, and selfish.
And frankly, I don't what
I'm gonna say to you...
- I'm selfish, I'm selfish?
- Yeah, you're selfish.
I'm fucking selfish?
I am the fucking Giving Tree.
Of course you don't know what that is.
Maybe you're like too
young or too Kiwi, okay?
But a fucking Giving Tree,
over here, this is a
little branch over here,
when you date too many douchebags,
I shade you from it, right?
And underneath it, you want your freedom.
I go ahead and give you another branch.
And then you wanna leave me forever
in two fucking weeks?
You're just like a woodpecker.
Just peck, peck, peck, peck,
peck, peck, peck, peck, peck,
peck, peck, peck, peck!
You think I'm trying to control you?
I would give you, and I
do give you, everything.
Hey, beautiful.
Congratulations!
Oh, I'm gonna miss you so much,
but honestly, that was my bad anyway.
Angie, you came here for,
but that was like three minutes ago.
No, I just saw the
trip post on my way here.
I came for fantasy day 'cause of the trip.
Maybe I shouldn't have sent that, we...
Once in a life time opportunity,
Lizzie Conley is living out
all her life's fantasies in one day!
Yeah, but maybe just the two of us.
Guess who she wants to
help round out the list.
13 Green Lane, see you soon.
I wrote back, but you never replied, so,
what am I here to help with?
What?
That one
wasn't my idea, I swear.
Look, he's just a...
What, are we back at uni now?
Fucking guys.
I mean, why would he even think that?
Lizzie?
Okay, just a few times, okay?
Maybe we fantasize about other girls,
and we randomly come
across somebody's profile...
Like my profile?
Yup.
Um,
Lizzie,
that's...
Awesome.
I mean, why do you do that?
Um, Jesus, 'cause you're a goddess.
Like you do the Bali
street clean ups with kids,
and you do triathlons and seminars and...
Oh, that reminds me,
I'm totally behind on
my squirting workshop.
That's what I mean, you just,
squirting's real?
Ah.
Mm-hmm.
I mean, you know,
why do you do that with girls in general?
I don't know.
Keeps it light, and I
think he might be open
to other possibilities, so...
But you're keeping your
options open, too, right?
I mean, with the trip?
No.
My mom keeps sending me these articles
on my chronic indecisiveness
and that it's a sign of depression.
Well, then that's an epidemic.
I was watching this
Ted Talk the other day,
and it was talking about tech and mobile
and all these options that are open to us,
and with everything out
there, we just freeze.
You know, it's like paradox of choice.
Hm.
Tell you what,
you can choose not to sexually explore me.
Thanks.
You know, unless you want to.
What?
Angie!
You're the one who's always
posting those YOLO memes.
Potentially, I could be interested
in a little bit of real
life, you-only-live-once,
real YOLO.
Finally having the chance
to get it on with Lizzie,
I mean, you know, because girls...
We're so shy.
Yeah, we're not aggressive like men.
We think we know what we want, but...
We just need a little guidance.
- A push.
- Yeah.
Men, they have that
objective brain, you know.
They can see the big picture.
Well, I mean, I would
never say that exactly.
Yep.
So when this opportunity came up
in the six years that
we've known each other,
it was like...
Yeah, it was like-
Like had that hesitation before.
Right.
But then after a while, it's
like, what's the big deal?
But do you remember the fantasy,
it wasn't about me and Angie,
it was about you and me
doing something with Angie.
Yeah.
I just thought it would be a way
for you and I to connect
a little bit more.
How?
I mean, great.
But, I mean, I don't...
Well, it's about new
experiences for you and me,
and it's not just you teaching me.
No offense.
I don't think he wants to.
No, I'm up for learning new things.
Yeah?
Then come on in.
Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Mm.
Okay!
All right.
Uh...
Got the lube?
You know me.
Uh, Lizzie actually
never really needs that.
- So...
- Oh.
You will.
Wait, what, what're we doing?
Sexual exploration.
Oh, wait, this is Ryan
we're talking about.
He's already had a prostate massage.
No.
Oh. Well, then take 'em off.
I don't need that.
How do you know unless you try?
We're really happy with what we have.
Right, honey?
It's A plus, like, 100%.
Yeah, but Angie was
reading in this Vice article
that the prostate is the male G-spot
and the massage is the new blowjob, so...
'Kay.
The last time somebody,
it was my doctor checking for tumors.
And it didn't feel like a blowjob.
At all.
He probably just didn't read
the same article, you know?
Look, I think I can
remember all the details.
I'll just run Lizzie through it,
and then you guys can
explore each other together.
Right?
Is that what you want?
Yeah.
No.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, it's so mean!
That's what you get
for trying to put me on
into fucking my friend, asshole!
I'm sorry, I was honestly
just trying to, like,
be an idiot, I guess, but...
Mmhmm.
Oh, man.
I woulda done it, too.
I swear, I really woulda done it.
That was abundantly clear.
Well, I'll send Lizzie the article,
and she can teach people
all around the world
on her trip, you know?
Cultural exchange.
You're still going on your trip, right?
You're not stickin' around for this guy.
I mean, that list, it's
not even about you.
Hey, I, I love her.
Yeah, so?
Because if you love someone,
you want their life to be
as full as yours was, right?
I mean, it's only reasonable.
Why are you trying to reason everything?
Everything has to be reason, facts,
logic, statistics, that sort of thing,
and love shouldn't ever
have to be about that.
No, I'm not trying to do that.
No, I mean, I don't know.
I mean, there's a lot of
science to it, though, right?
Aren't you supposed to
figure out relationships?
Isn't that what relationships are about?
Okay, well, let's say, um,
let's say you have a couple.
They've been together their whole lives.
Both of them have been completely
unfaithful to each other,
and the other person is not aware of this.
Okay.
They live our their
whole lives together.
Kids, grandkids, and die happily.
I mean, is that reasonable?
No, no, no.
'Cause if you start a
relationship on a basis of lies,
then it's not a real relationship.
Okay.
Okay.
So we have...
Happy couple.
Uh, happiness plus millions of lies,
divided by no breakup,
equals,
but it's not...
So these guys don't break up
because of the millions of lies.
You realize what just happened, right?
You just kicked my ass.
For the second time today.
I mean, I guess my degree was useful.
Yeah, check it off.
Okay.
Oh, look.
Is this what you wanted?
For me to win this
argument or this debate?
It's cool when you win arguments.
But, no, that's not,
I'm not living to win,
or to have you win or anything.
I want something good, you know?
I just don't want to fight, that's all.
I mean, I come from, you know, my parents,
they were high school sweethearts,
and now they hate each other
because they just keep fighting
and fighting and fighting,
and my dad keeps on wining,
and I hate watching that.
I don't wanna win.
Don't wanna win.
Yeah.
Mm, ha ha.
So what do you want to do?
How much time do we have?
Till the, yeah, um,
let's see.
An hour and 38 minutes.
Okay.
Well, if you want to be real scientific
about this whole thing,
I read an article about
how if you ask each other
36 questions,
and then by the end of
it, you're apparently...
Oh, you're supposed to be
falling in love at the end.
And you're supposed to,
you're supposed to stare
in each other's eyes
for a few minutes.
We can do that.
I'm starving, though.
Okay, um, we have pizza from Blake.
Mm.
Can we bake some cookies?
Yes, totally, bake cookies?
Yeah.
All right.
Uh, start off with this,
and we got butter...
Ryan, pick up the phone.
- Okay.
- Ryan...
- Is that your dad?
- Pick up the phone.
Yeah, but he calls me all the time, so...
It's okay, you haven't
spoke to him in like a month.
It's fine.
- You're sure?
- Yeah.
Just like two minutes just
to get rid of him, okay?
All right, there's some like
baking stuff over there.
Ryan, pick up the phone.
Just add egg and vegetable oil.
Vegetable oil.
You know what's goin'
on with your nephews?
One of them has size 12 shoe,
and he's probably now
about five foot seven.
You got a mother and father who are aging,
a family that you have
become estranged from,
because you're not there for the weddings,
for the funerals, for the Thanksgiving,
the other holidays.
You're just, like, out of it.
Okay, add eggs and,
vegetable oil.
But...
Fuck.
You're not making any money,
you're putting in all these hours.
Over here, you'd get a decent job,
and do whatever you want.
America is a land of opportunity.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- I've got a pool.
I've got a spa.
I got him on mute, don't worry.
What are you using this stuff for?
This is Jono's shit.
I have a barbecue.
Baking stuff is over here, okay?
I'll get it for you.
In our backyard.
Oh, yeah, I got a new Porsche.
It not only has tushy warmers,
it has tushy coolers.
This one on a hot day, you
put on the tushy cooler,
and it circulates cold air
so you don't get that
clammy feeling on your seat.
It looks like my butt's gonna be clammy
for a while, Dad.
Do you have a car over there?
No, I take the bus, Dad.
But a lot of people take the bus,
but what I mean is, like,
I'm establishing myself here.
Like, I'm making something of myself,
and I'm spending a lot
of time with Lizzie, so...
I don't know anything about her.
Dad, I tell you about
her all the time, you know?
She's awesome.
And I support her, you know?
100%.
What do
you mean you support her?
You mean you're being supportive of her,
you're not supporting her, God forbid.
No, Dad, I would never do that, okay?
I mean, I would of course do that
if I'm in a more financially...
What'd she go to school for?
Philosophy.
Philosophy?
That's for people who
can't make up their mind
what they wanna do.
Why didn't she major like in business
so she can make a living to support you
because I'm not sure you'll
be able to support yourself.
You think she's doin', like,
what the Russian brides do?
Dad, what're you talkin' about?
They put ads in the paper,
they put ads on the internet,
and they come over as a Russian bride,
and they're just the
sweetest things in the world
and they do everything for you
'cause they want the Green Card.
I think she's got higher
aspirations than that, Dad.
Yeah, she's a pretty mean baker.
If she
wants to bake, she can bake
cookies for her children.
Uh,
maybe.
What do you have in common
with the girls in New Zealand?
Nothing.
Maybe there's a Lizzie over here.
A good old American Lizzie.
Dad, come on.
I don't think we're gonna
find another Lizzie anywhere.
What about that Jessica girl,
the one you were with when
you were here last time?
Dad.
We went to buy
new furniture for a house.
- Dad.
- Lo and behold...
Dad, Dad, Dad, I got to go, okay?
But I wanna let you know
that it's time for you
to start showing some
respect for me, okay?
I'm really establishing myself
out here in the tech world.
Okay?
You're not even on Instagram.
Everybody's on Instagram except you.
Mm.
Uh, first one.
Pfft, easy.
If you could have any super
power, what would it be?
Obviously invisibility. Flying.
Yes.
Invisible flying.
Like Wonder Woman's plane, right?
Okay, cool.
Name three things you both
appear to have in common.
Uh,
gorgeous blue eyes.
You're not blue.
Pale.
Have a fuck load of fun.
I'm sure the third will come with time.
Uh, great hair.
Wow, thanks.
It's a little bit higher
each year, but okay.
We'll have less and less
in common over time.
Unless you thin out when you're older.
We're both very flexible.
- Flexible.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay.
And...
Both unsure about the future.
Uh, what is the greatest
accomplishment of your life?
Do you wanna have kids?
Is that on,
uh, separate, okay.
Uh, yes.
Do you wanna have kids?
One of my greatest fears
when I was growing up
was that, well, when
I was 18 specifically,
I remember that I was afraid
that by the time I reached 30,
I would be single and childless.
I know, I know, it's strange,
but I still think about it now.
I really, really want to travel,
but could I do that with a kid?
I don't know.
But at the same time, if I travel,
and I come back back,
and when I meet someone,
will it be too late?
Will I have, I dunno, dried
up by then?
I dunno.
I mean, I just feel like it's
my species responsibility
to procreate in some way, right?
I mean, isn't that what it's about?
It's like eating, defecating,
and populating, right?
Well, that's why the globe
is so overpopulated, right?
I read an article that if you had your SUV
parked in a driveway and
running 24 hours a day,
that that's still gonna
impact the environment
a lot less than if you were
to raise a western child.
That's the first I've
heard that you've read up
on any of that eco stuff.
If you knew you were going to die today,
what would you most regret
not telling someone?
Can we skip this one?
It should be really easy.
We don't have enough time.
Just say it.
No, we don't have enough time.
We have enough time!
I run the, just say it!
How hard is it to say?
You have enough time to say one thing.
You can do it.
Come on, just say what you wanna say.
How hard is it just to say
what you wanna say to somebody?
Just say it, say the one
thing that you wanna say.
Okay?
Okay.
What is Zed Picket Fence?
You've been going through my laptop?
When you came back
from the US last month,
I asked to borrow your computer,
while you, Mr. Eco-friendly,
were taking a 40-fucking-minute
shower, by the way,
and this was just an open
window on your computer.
And I didn't think
anything of it at the time,
but do you mind telling me
what these pictures are?
It's pictures.
And what about Jessica?
You brought her up like three times
since you got back from the US.
And I may have Facebook
stalked her from your profile,
and I saw an album on there
that matched the exact same photos
that you have on this folder.
Okay, sit down.
Sit down.
Ryan,
if you want to be in a
genuine relationship with me,
you have to start being genuine.
Okay.
Okay.
Jessica, she's,
I went out with her in my senior year,
and things were nice.
And my dad told me to break up with her
because, you know,
there'd be tons of other girls in college,
and don't settle too early.
Fast forward 18 years later,
she finds me on Facebook,
and I just became obsessed.
I mean, she was with a guy
that she got pregnant with,
and they have these almost grown up kids.
Grown up.
I haven't even grown up, you know?
So her husband was out of town,
and the kids were away, you
know, with the grandparents,
and so we went out to dinner
to the old diner that we
always went to in high school.
And she was, it was really nice.
It was like old times.
And I drove her home.
And the house that she lives in now
is the same house that she grew up in.
And so I'd been there before,
and she was telling me
about all these renovations,
and so we went inside,
and it was pretty dark.
We walked to the basement,
and we were sitting there,
and we didn't.
We didn't do...
But, I mean, we kissed, okay?
Okay?
All right.
That's good.
And so, um,
there was a thought in my mind, like, wow,
I'm gonna be with this girl
for the rest of my life.
This is exactly what I wanted,
and I felt 100% at home
for the first time in like 18 years.
Did you ever think about
me at all during that?
Oh my God, man, I thought about you
every fucking step of the way.
You know?
And that wasn't good, 'cause
we're not supposed to,
I'm not supposed to think about you.
I'm supposed to be free and open, right?
And as I'm thinking about
this, she took me upstairs,
and I don't know why, but
she flipped on the light
when we were at the top of the stairs,
and everything changed.
The appliances were shiny,
and all of the edges were hard and white,
and it just wasn't,
it wasn't home anymore.
And she took me up the stairs
to what used to be her
parents' master bedroom,
and it just wasn't right,
and I just freaked.
I just said, "I got to get outta here."
So I said I had to use the bathroom.
You know, the
oldest excuse in the book.
And she and I had sex in that bathroom
when we were in high school,
and now, at that same sink,
that one.
The rest are from Facebook,
but I shot that one 'cause I just,
it hit me.
Those two toothbrushes, man.
I thought, this is not my home.
This is not my place, you know?
And it was, fuck,
it was weird, you know?
It was weird being there.
And I left,
and then I was like, oh,
God, I forgot my phone.
And so I went back to get my phone,
and she was in the bathroom,
and she told me to hold on a minute,
and I swear to God, that was it.
What about that one?
I don't know why she took that.
It's,
maybe it was some kinda thing
to tell me she's still got it?
Or to stay away.
Yeah, maybe that's it,
that's what that whole
folder is, you know?
So I guess you're off the hook
and you didn't break any rules.
I was hiding.
I was hiding to protect our relationship.
'Cause I didn't wanna say this,
but I got to say it now.
It was never about Jessica.
I don't think the white
picket fence is for me.
You don't want success?
No, no, no, it's not about success.
I would love to be a success,
but it's that, like, it's that lifestyle.
PTA, the poker nights,
the watering, and the herbiciding,
and the mowing of the grass.
The making sure you have new
furniture every five years,
you now, like the white picket fence.
It's not for me.
And I was afraid that if I told you that
then you would wanna leave
and I couldn't risk that.
I couldn't risk that.
I don't wanna risk that.
It's not like we talked
about longterm anyway.
Oh, come on, are you kidding me?
Longterm, that's all I ever
think about is longterm.
You think that this whole eco thing,
echo hippy thing that I do, right,
aren't you a little bit concerned
as to why this started out of nowhere?
I think you're too busy
thinking about the fucking planet
to think about what's
right in front of you.
That's what I think.
Three months ago I
decided that I loved you
more than anybody I've ever met.
And I see you looking
at those wedding photos.
I see you looking at the dresses,
I see you looking at the pictures
of the carbon copy
McMansions and everything,
and I wanted to give you what you want.
Three months ago I looked
up the word stability,
not sustainability, stability, right?
And what did I find?
I found out that there's climate change,
I found out about peak oil,
I found out about soil depletion,
phosphorous depletion, water pollution.
There's only half of
one percent of the water
left for the planet that we can even do,
we're adding 220,000 people
to the planet every day.
You don't think I know
these kinda statistics
that you're citing me out there?
I know this stuff.
This, this here comes from China,
this here comes from fucking Korea,
this here is built
entirely on fossil fuels,
and what happens when we can't afford
to pull fossil fuels out
of the ground anymore?
I don't know, are we all
gonna be goin' around
and carrying spears,
or are we gonna be like Amish farmers?
The suburbs are fucked,
are they gonna just like pave
those down and build farms,
and throw everybody into super cities?
Like, I don't know, I have
no idea what's stable.
Now it might make more sense for you
to accept what's right in front of you.
Excuse me?
Say it.
- What?
- Say you love me!
Say you wanna be with me.
I'm here.
I'm the most stable thing you got.
You want the truth?
You wanna know why this is all like this?
It's because I met you on fucking Tinder!
Because all I ever fucking
wanted from you was a fling.
Yeah, we have great sex and
we have a fucking great time,
but you're just this old fucking man
who just can't maintain any
of his fucking relationships!
Just this fucking startup wannabe,
you can't even control the damn tickets
on your own fucking company!
I knew it was gonna be easy
not to fall in love with you.
Because your life was lacking direction,
you weren't doing anything with it.
Wow, that's,
yeah.
I'm sorry, I...
No, it's...
I don't know if any of that was true,
I just said that to hurt you
because I'm afraid of everything.
Of relationships of,
oh, Jesus.
I'm just not an interesting person.
I have nothing to offer anybody.
Want some article quotes?
I'm just another cog in the system,
just another face in the book.
I'm living my life and
not doing anything with it
and I don't know why.
No, no.
I just sit in front of
a screen most of the week,
I just go on autopilot.
I don't know what to say to people,
I don't know how to be in any situation
when I'm looking at these photos
of people getting married,
and being so happy.
Just the smiling, and living everything
that they probably wanted and more.
And I don't have that, you know?
I mean, look at me, right?
I've been like traveling
and experiencing things
my entire life, you know,
dabbled in this and that,
and yeah, it makes for a very
extensive Facebook profile,
but where has it gotten me?
I mean, look at me.
I'm single, I'm alone,
I've never committed to anything,
and it's gotten me absolutely nothing.
I'm not some kind of sexy
alternative to stability.
What is stability?
You.
Yeah.
Stability is you.
You can boil water in it.
And you'll need to.
Cancel the trip.
Are you sure?
Because I can,
okay.
Why'd you do it?
I'm gonna do it on my own.
All on your own, or...
How long is the love stare?
Well, I don't know, but I can Google it.
Let's just do a minute.