Stavros Halkias: Fat Rascal (2023) Movie Script
1
[motorcycle engines rumbling]
[bike horn playing "La Cucaracha"]
Oh my God, you saved my life. Thank you.
[woman] No, thank you
for having sex with me
and my friends all night last night.
Hey. That was cool.
You're like no one else
I've ever been with.
You're like... a god.
That's awesome, but I kinda...
I have a show, so...
Bye, girls. Bye-bye.
[sighs] You fat rascal.
- [crowd cheering]
- [upbeat music playing]
[announcer] Without further ado,
Stavros Halkias!
["Let Me Show Em" by Mighty Mark playing]
[crowd cheering]
What's up? Hi.
How are we doing?
How are we all?
How are we doing, gang? Huh?
This is fucking sick.
Sit down.
[music stops]
Stop it. Holy shit.
This is hilarious, huh?
Look at this place.
We don't belong here.
You and I don't belong here.
You motherfuckers have never been
in a balcony before in your lives.
Slipknot T-shirt in the fucking orchestra.
[laughs]
Damn, the whole GameStop
management team came through.
[laughing]
Hell yeah, dude.
Fuck.
Can you get me a deal on a PS5?
Boys, what's up?
[Stavros laughing]
How many GameCube trade-ins
did you guys fucking cash in
to sit in those seats?
[laughing]
How am I looking? You like the fit, huh?
- [crowd cheering]
- Like it?
You know what it's like for a man
like me to wear white jeans, you know?
Weak stream, short penis. You know
the nerve-wracking piss I just took?
Just fully...
just hamstrings fully extended.
"Ah, fuck."
Trying to get my penis just completely,
just dripping directly over the bowl.
[laughs]
I mean, these guys wore
their best cargo shorts, I might as well...
I might as well have
put on my best outfit as well
for this special taping.
[laughing]
I'm sorry. We're more alike
than we are different, boys.
I don't mean...
I don't mean to shit on you.
You're my guys.
[laughing]
Uh, fun to be in Austin.
Hilarious town.
- Very funny place.
- [scattered whoops]
It sucks. You guys know that, right?
You know...
You know, this town is dog shit. Um...
Don't get me wrong.
It used to be cool, you know what I mean?
Used to be the kind of place
you might catch a couple cowboys
sucking each other off
on roller skates, you know?
Something...
Something fun, something quirky,
the kind of shit that would make
the rest of Texas mad, you know?
Not anymore, dude.
Now it's a bunch of tech dorks
ruining the whole place.
A bunch of WeWorks
and losers with Whoop straps, you know?
Really? You need to know
your blood oxygen level to code?
Why do you need to know that?
Why are you in an ice bath?
You work for Amazon. Stop.
Tech has never helped us one time.
They haven't improved our lives.
They haven't invented shit.
Here's how every tech company
gets successful now. Here's the secret.
They're like, "Hey, you know
that thing that already exists?"
"What if we don't pay people to do it?"
"What if we just...
"You know how taxi drivers
can afford to feed their families?"
"What if they couldn't?" [chuckles]
And that was the pitch
for Uber, basically. That was it.
Some VC guy was like,
"Holy shit, that's awesome."
Some decrepit billionaire
hanging upside down,
getting a Puerto Rican teenager's
blood pumped into his heart directly,
he's like, "Yeah, man, that's all."
"Give that guy
a trillion dollars for that idea."
But every time they advertise a new app,
it's always so positive and bubbly.
Even though the thing is
very sinister if you think about it.
It's always like,
"We know times are tough here in America."
"That's why we created Harvest."
"Did you know you have...
two kidneys?"
"Seems kind of unnecessary, doesn't it?"
"Well, with Harvest,
your second kidney can be your first step
towards financial freedom."
And the tech CEOs,
everyone sucks those guys off,
everyone pretends like they're geniuses.
They're fucking dumb as shit.
Everyone sucks Elon off, I don't get it.
I don't think that guy's that smart.
I think people think he's smart
because they can't place his accent.
I think that's it.
I think people are like, "Whoa!"
"What is this guy? From England?
From the future? What is that?"
"I should listen."
I mean, he's embarrassing himself
with Twitter, right?
Running into the ground,
just blowing it completely.
He bought Twitter
because he likes tweeting.
That's how poor people
spend money, you know?
You give me 40 billion dollars,
I'm not buying Pornhub.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, I like jacking off.
I don't know how
to code or anything like that.
I buy Pornhub, I'm like, "Yeah,
put my comments to the top, make sure..."
"Make sure everybody sees my shit."
"'Nice breasts, Lisa Ann.'"
"'Do you want to hang out sometime?'"
"No? Delete her account."
"I own Pornhub."
[chuckles]
His other ideas
don't make any sense to me either.
He was going to solve traffic
with a one-lane underground tunnel?
A baby could tell you
that's not going to work.
A baby with a Hot Wheels track
could tell you there's
some problems with that idea.
My favorite Elon idea is Neuralink.
Neuralink's a chip
that goes directly into your brain,
connects you directly to the Internet.
You know the Internet, the thing
you wish you were more connected to?
He tried on a bunch of monkeys,
they all killed themselves.
That really... that happened,
And he was just like,
"Nah, nah, four months,
we'll be ready to go
for humans, no problem."
[chuckling]
I don't know about you guys,
I'd never put a chip in my head,
that's crazy.
There's no way, because it's like,
a company's not going to make you smarter.
What's going to happen
is your childhood memories
are going behind a paywall.
That's what's going to happen.
You're gonna be sitting,
reminiscing one day,
all of a sudden you'll hear,
"To unlock Amanda's breasts,
please update
your debit card information."
"Getting jacked off on the school bus
is a platinum-level memory."
[chuckling]
You're gonna try to remember
the last time you and your dad connected
and a Spotify ad
is going to start playing.
"This tearful reconciliation
is brought to you by Burger King."
[chuckling]
I just hate what
tech companies do to cities.
What they do to awesome cities.
I mean, you guys are
experiencing it right now.
It sucks, dude.
Like, any time a tech company
moves into a cool city
they won't rest
until they've turned it into
a series of breweries and climbing gyms
connected by Lime scooters.
They won't solve
the homelessness they cause,
but they'll make sure
you can zip on past it.
They won't give 'em houses
but they'll make them blurry. Uh...
It's not just tech cities I hate though.
Some cities I hate
just because they suck. Right?
I mean, Phoenix, dog shit town on its own.
You know, just...
Too hot, very racist over there.
They're real racist
against Mexicans in Arizona, in general.
It's like, you know,
racist people like the idea
of people belonging somewhere.
Well, who do you think belongs there?
You think it's the pink motherfuckers
who get melanoma scraped off
their shoulders every three months?
You think John McCain
is indigenous to Phoenix?
Going to Arizona
and being racist against Mexicans
is like going to Disney World
and being like,
"What the fuck are
all these cartoons doing here?"
"What the hell is this?"
"I'm trying to ride the teacups
with my white family."
"Why does Goofy
keep trying to sell me pupusas?"
Yeah, Phoenix also the first place
anybody told me I wasn't white.
That happened there.
A guy came up to me
after a show and he was like,
"Hey, man, that joke where
you said you were white, that was weird."
I was like, "Uh, what are
you talking about, man? I'm Greek."
And he was like, "Exactly."
[chuckling]
He was accusing me
of stealing white valor, you know?
I left that interaction, I was like,
"Man, that guy's dumb as hell."
And then I went to Greece and I was like...
"Hold on, he might be
onto something, actually."
[chuckling] Because I went to Greece
and everybody in Greece is like
this little hairy loudmouth, you know?
Very tan, olive skin, touchy-feely,
a lot of jewelry, a lot of emotions,
act really gay but are homophobic.
If you think about it,
we're pretty much Arabs.
Right? Like...
We check off a lot more Arab boxes
than we do white boxes.
That's all I'm saying.
So how did Greek people
become white in America?
And I think the answer is
white people wanted
Ancient Greece on their resume.
I think that's what it is.
I think we're dealing with a case
of white stat-padding here.
I think white people were like,
"Democracy, the Olympics, philosophy...
"Dibs! Don't even think about it, Arabs."
Kind of a similar
move they pulled with Jesus.
Right? I mean...
We all know
he was a little brown guy, for sure.
A hundred percent.
He looked a lot more like a day laborer
than the guy you're thinking of right now.
White people were like, "Nah,
the Savior's ours and guess what?"
"He's a piece of ass too."
Blonde hair, blue eyes,
abs for some reason.
That's right. God is white.
And guess what?
You're going to want to suck him off too.
I don't know why they made him
so fuckable. I don't understand.
You gotta hand it
to Ancient Greece though,
an incredible civilization.
Imagine being so
successful as a civilization
that 3,000 years later
your descendants face less racism.
That's crazy.
Some guy 3,000 years ago
sculpted a marble penis so beautiful
that it is now easier for me
to get a bank loan than a Latino man.
That's...
That's good craftsmanship.
You have to admit that.
[chuckling] It's the mark of a master.
So I don't really like
visiting a tech city,
a rich city, a hot city.
I like trashy cities.
I like bottom of the barrel.
Give me Tampa, Florida.
You know what I'm saying?
- [crowd cheering]
- Yeah. Yeah.
Every woman in Tampa is like
the hottest waitress in a bowling alley.
You know?
It's like, "You're hot,
but you're here. Uh..."
I've had very enriching experiences
with the people of Tampa.
I was at a show once,
I was doing a show,
there was an older woman in the crowd,
maybe in her mid-60s.
She was being very disruptive.
She kept, like, yelling out.
It was very annoying.
And when the show was over,
I was so happy it was done.
I got a car immediately.
I'm sitting on this park bench
waiting for the guy to show up.
He's taking forever.
And then here comes
this lady from the show, this older woman.
She sits down next to me. I'm like...
"Okay, I guess I'm going
to have to make small talk
with this unstable
person for a little bit.
And, uh, we're chatting.
I look at my phone, the guy's lost.
He's even further away now.
So I, um,
I start making out
with this old lady. You know?
[laughs]
She gave me the look.
I don't know what you want from me.
But she also taught me
a very important lesson, you know.
It turns out,
sometimes whores just get old, right?
They're not all going
to be grandmas, it turns out.
That's very ageist
and sexist of me to think.
What? You turn 60, all of a sudden
you got to start baking cookies?
No, not necessarily.
Some women are fighting the good fight
deep into their golden years.
Giving over-the-pants hand jobs
through arthritic knuckles.
That's a lesson I could
only learn in Tampa, Florida, folks.
I like a trashy city. I like a fat city.
I feel at home there.
Yeah, dude. Give me any city
where if you eat
the regional cuisine every day,
you will die.
Right?
Buffalo, Wisconsin.
Give me a town
where if you visit a man's home,
you will see the indentation
he's left in his couch.
Right?
Where the titties are hefty.
Where you suck on
the wrong pair of breasts,
you might need to see
the chiropractor afterwards.
I love those kind of places.
So I like it. It's fun traveling,
getting a different vibe
for each local culture. That part's cool.
That part's awesome about being on tour.
I just hate the physical travel.
I was going to Vancouver
earlier last year,
and I forgot you have to
fill out a bunch of forms
when you work in a foreign country,
and I just didn't have them.
Right? I just did not.
I wasn't supposed to be entering.
I was like, "Nah, I still gotta get in,
so I'm gonna have
to lie to the border guy."
"I know what I'm going to tell him.
I'm gonna tell him I'm here for a girl."
Because in my mind,
he was going to be like,
"Sick, dude. Nice!"
In my mind, he was going to be like,
"Oh, fellow pussy-getter, come right in."
"What are you doing
in the regular line, pal? Come on."
So I tell him, "I'm here for a girl,"
and he doesn't give a fuck, of course.
He was like, "Okay,
where'd you meet this woman?"
I was like, "Um... the internet."
"The internet?
You never met her in person?"
I was like, "No, I met her one time."
Just folding immediately.
He was like, "Okay, how old is this woman?
"Twenty, um...
eight?"
He just looked at me for a while.
He was like,
"This woman is over 18, right?"
Right, yeah. He thought I was a pedophile,
which, you know, did hurt my feelings,
I'm not going to lie to you guys,
but, at the same time,
I was sweating, I was nervous,
I had this hair,
I had these glasses, right?
I saw how he got there, I didn't...
I didn't like it, but...
I could read the road map, right?
Just really hurt my feelings,
'cause he thought I was,
like, a stupid pedophile, you know?
He thinks I'm the kind of pervert where,
"Why come to the country?"
It's like, "Well, to fuck the kids!"
I'm like, "Come on, dude,
either call me stupid
or a pedophile, not both."
That same trip, coming back from Vancouver
was the worst travel experience
I've ever had in my life.
I'd been on the road
for three months in a row,
12 weeks, hadn't been home,
I was so homesick
that I had a 6:00 p.m. flight,
I changed it to 6:00 a.m. last minute,
cost a thousand dollars,
I had to bump up to first class.
I was like, "I don't care,
I'm going to do this,
I need to get home, I just gotta do it,
I gotta get home 12 hours earlier."
So I stay up all night
to make sure I don't miss this flight,
get to the airport, it's delayed, right?
So now my connecting flight,
I only have a half hour
to make an international connection,
which is usually
not enough time, but I was like,
"Nah, fuck that, dude,
we're doing this, right?"
So I'm huffing and puffing
through this whole airport,
I'm elbowing the elderly out of the way.
I'm like, "Excuse me, sir,
I have to be high on my couch."
"Instead of high right here, right now."
I'm doing that
embarrassing little roller bag trot.
You know? I don't care, I'm getting home,
I don't care what the optics are.
So I get there,
by some miracle, I make it to my gate,
six minutes to spare,
I'm the only one
from my flight that made it,
I'm feeling so triumphant,
I'm out of breath,
I go to the girl at the little kiosk,
I show her my boarding pass.
She's a trainee,
tries to scan it, can't get it to work.
And in my head I'm like, "Pfft. Can't
even get a fucking boarding pass to work?"
"Maybe you ain't cut out
for Delta, sweetheart." You know?
I'm feeling cocky right now.
She calls her co-worker over,
she tries to scan it,
she can't get it to work.
She looks at it, she's like,
"Doesn't look like you're on this flight."
I was like, "No, I'm on the flight.
So, please check again?"
Um...
She checks, she's like, "I don't see ya."
I'm like, "Oh, you gotta
be fucking kidding me."
Right under my breath, like a gentleman.
And then she goes,
"Sir, don't use profanity at my kiosk."
I was like, "Your kiosk?
You're an hourly Delta employee, lady."
"I don't have to respect you. Okay?"
I do, don't get me wrong,
but she's kind of
pushing the limits of the social contract
by talking to me
like my middle school teacher.
That's all I'm saying.
Still, I'm trying to make the flight,
so I play along,
I say the right words,
but I say them like a dickhead.
I'm like, "Oh, I'm so sorry. Hmm."
"It won't happen again." Right?
A little cunty, I know,
but I've... I've been up all night,
I'm running off Red Bulls
and Canadian pussy juice at this point,
which is not a hearty enough meal
for this level of travel complication.
That's all.
So she's like, "Huh."
"You know, it looks like
they just kicked you off the flight."
Like she's sharing
a fun little tidbit with me.
I'm like, "Obviously they can't do that."
She's like, "Actually, they can."
Actually, I could shit in your mouth, but...
do you see how that would be rude?
Even though, technically, it is possible.
But I'm like, "All right, dude,
keep calm. It's all right.
You're flying to
New York City, a major city.
I'll be on a new flight in an hour.
I'll eat McDonald's in two airports.
It's not the end of the world.
And then she looks up my next flight,
"Okay, your next flight is
going to be in four hours to Minneapolis,
and four hours after that
you're going to fly to New York.
So now I'm getting home
two hours after the flight
I paid a thousand dollars not to be on,
and I just lost it.
I was like, "No, fuck that, Samantha,
you're gonna put me
on this fucking flight!"
"You've treated me
like an asshole all morning."
"You have no empathy,
you're bad at your job,
you're not pulling off the pixie cut,
I don't know who told you you were."
And it's true, she didn't
have the bone structure for it.
She's like, "Sir, calm down,
I'm going to call the police."
I was like, "The police? For this?"
"You can't call the police for this."
And it turned out
it was actually very easy
for her to call the police,
which I was not expecting.
So, I changed my tune immediately,
I'm like, "Hey Samantha,
I'm really sorry about...
all that stuff I was saying earlier."
"I'm having a bad day."
"Do you think maybe
I could get on the flight, please?"
She won't even make eye contact with me
so I go right back at her.
"You're a fucking piece of shit Samantha!"
You think you get a promotion for this?
You're going to die at this kiosk!
Right? [chuckles] I'm fucking losing it.
People are shielding
their children's eyes from me.
Eventually, her boss comes,
her boss is also a bitch,
but she's a professional bitch, you know.
She's like, "Look, we had
a problem with your bag,
this is the fastest way
we could get you home."
"It's either this
or you wait a whole extra day."
I was like, "All right, fine. Cool."
She's like, "Okay, great."
"So you understand you're
not going to get on this flight, right?"
And it's like, "Well, it left, so, yeah."
"I understand the basic laws
of time and space,
if that's what you're asking me."
She's like, "Great, you've calmed down.
We don't have to get the police involved."
"You never had to get the police involved,
your coworker was overreacting.
"Really? Because she said
you called her a dumb bitch repeatedly."
"Is that true?"
[haughtily] "I don't remember."
[laughing] So...
So she's going to go call the cops,
tell them not to bother showing up.
But it's already been a half hour
since Samantha called them,
and they're already on their way.
And what I see when
I look to my left, coming towards me,
is two grown men riding bicycles.
I see two cops on bikes,
little shorts, little helmet.
Helmet? You're worried about
a high-speed collision in Terminal E,
you fucking assholes.
So they pull up,
I'm not trying to antagonize anyone,
I start laughing, right?
Because I saw something stupid, right?
She thinks I've lost my mind.
She's like, "What's going on?"
I'm like, "Ha. They're on bikes." Right?
Like, she's going to be in on it.
Like she's going to be,
"I know, fucking idiots."
Instead, she goes, "Sir, I thought
we talked about your attitude."
I was like,
"They're on bikes! That's funny!"
"That's outdoor transportation. Come on!"
She didn't find it funny.
You're not going to believe this,
the cops really didn't find it funny.
They were actually
pretty rude to me after that. Um...
But I get that too, right?
These are airport cops.
That's a tough job. Right?
There's cameras everywhere.
You can't even do hate crimes, which...
is one of the big
perks of the job, as I understand it.
So...
So these guys haven't accosted
a Black teenage in a while,
and they're grumpy. You know?
And they're taking it out on me.
They take my license,
they take my passport.
They just make me sit there
for 40 minutes with no ID,
sweat it out.
Eventually, they come back
and they're like,
"Sir, due to your conduct this afternoon,
you've been placed on
a problem passenger list here in Canada."
"You want to be extra careful when you
go through security and customs now on."
It turns out they were
fucking with me, I think.
I've been to Canada since, no one cares.
But at the time, I was freaking out
because I had a ton of drugs in my bag.
I had a bunch of edibles,
I had a bunch of mushrooms.
I was like, "Damn, is Canada
about to get me this hard?"
"Am I going to miss my flight
and have to throw my drugs away?"
And I thought about it,
I was like, "No, fuck that, baby."
"USA! These colors don't run."
- [crowd cheering]
- Yeah.
Hell yeah.
That's right.
These maple syrup-drinking motherfuckers
still got the Queen on their money, okay?
I'm pretty sure we told
her great-great-grandfather
to suck our dicks, so...
I'm keeping my drugs and guess what?
I'm doing some right now.
That's what I did right then and there.
Took 40 milligrams of edibles.
Honestly, had a pretty sick
afternoon after that.
I ran up a $90 tab
at Hudson News, you know?
I'm eating big Toblerones
like they're corn on the cob, you know?
Mmm.
[laughs]
Finally, it's time for me
to check-in to my next flight.
And the lady at
that kiosk, she's really nice.
She's this cute little fat short lady.
She's kind of like the Mario
to Samantha's Wario, you know?
And as I'm walking onto my next flight,
she compliments my shirt.
"What is this lady talking about?"
Like I said, this was
at the end of 12 weeks of touring.
I had no clean laundry left.
The only thing I had left was this
Scar from The Lion King T-shirt
that said,
"I'm surrounded by idiots" on it.
And that's when I kind of zoomed down
and thought about what everybody else
was seeing at the airport that day.
Because I thought I was being perceived
as a hero for consumer rights.
Um, but everybody else was seeing
some fat, sassy Disney nerd in sweatpants
just having a meltdown.
"You gotta put me on the plane!"
"I need to get to the Magic Kingdom!"
[chuckling]
My next flight was a lot better than that.
I joined the 10-foot-high club.
Um, yeah, which is when you beat off
while the plane is still boarding.
[guffaws]
I was pretty relaxed for that one.
Also, the last two years have been
pretty unhealthy for me in general,
not just to travel.
I've been chubbin' up big time.
Recently, I've been
doing that thing where it's like,
"Hmm, I wonder what
the chicken wings are like in Omaha."
You know?
Just telling myself little fat lies.
"Well, I simply must try
the chocolate in Missouri"
"I mean, what are Kit Kats like here?"
It's hard. I'm trying
to lose weight. It's difficult.
You learn a lot about yourself
when you're trying to lose weight,
even places you're not expecting to.
I was at a party the other night,
I was getting real drunk,
getting real wasted.
My friend comes out
with a breathalyzer test.
He's like, "Let's blow into this.
Let's see who the drunkest is!"
It's like, fine, we can do that.
But one of our friends
is an alcoholic, so...
he's gonna win, right?
Of course, we all blow into it,
and, of course, the alcoholic,
his name's Pete, he wins.
- He blows a .20.
- [scattered groans]
Right. Couple DUIs in the room? Yeah.
Yeah, that's like
2% of your blood is alcohol.
He's essentially a
Michelob Ultra at that point.
And everyone's just like, "Yeah, Pete!"
"So fucked up!"
"Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete!"
No one's like, "Damn,
we should get Pete some help." Right?
Doesn't cross anybody's mind.
And that's when I realized
I'm super envious of alcoholics.
Cause that's the only disease
that gets glorified that way.
That's never happened with my disease.
Never happened with my addiction.
I'm never going to be at a party
and some guy comes out with a stethoscope
and a Velcro cuff.
"Let's get everybody's blood pressure!"
"Stav, Stav, Stav, Stav."
"190 over 90. Holy shit."
I'm just shotgunning
Yoo-hoo's the whole time.
"Let's fucking go."
I can tell I'm gaining weight
because the places I can shop,
the list keeps shrinking.
Like, say goodbye to Macy's, The Gap.
I'm clinging on to Old Navy
for dear life right now.
I'm in Walmart. I'm a king in Walmart.
I've been doing
a little too much of my clothes shopping
in a place that also sells motor oil.
The final frontier
when you're gaining weight as a man
is the big and tall store.
Uh, and the big and tall store
is a lot like hypothermia.
Because at the end of hypothermia
you stop feeling cold
and your body just starts
feeling warm and awesome.
You know, it's basically
just telling you to give up. Uh-huh.
That's what
the big and tall store is like.
"Hey, buddy, come on. What are you doing?
Get in here. Come on."
"Stop fighting it. Come on, what is that?"
What are you, counting calories?"
"You can gain 100 pounds and
we got shirts in here, buddy. Come on."
"Come on."
"You're the least fat guy
in this store. Come on."
It rules. It's nice.
These pants are literally
from the big and tall store.
It's nice being the least fat guy
in a store, I have to admit.
I feel like an heiress
at the big and tall store.
I'm like, "Hmm. These only come in 5X."
"Nothing for my dainty little 2XL frame?"
"Daddy won't be pleased."
Yeah.
The toilets, by the way,
at the big and tall store
deserve the Purple Heart.
I don't know if you've...
I've never felt worse
for an inanimate object in my life.
Those boys are bolted into
the ground deep, I'll tell you that much.
That is not a standard bolt job.
I'm willing to bet my life on that.
They treat you nice
at the big and tall store. You know?
I mean, there's never any sales.
They're like, "Okay, go somewhere else."
But still, they...
They know they got you. But still...
The vibes are nice.
They're doing something really funny
at the big and tall store,
where there used to be two cuts.
You know, the tall cut?
A little extra length, right?
And then there's the big cut.
And we all know what big means.
Somebody calls me "big guy,"
it's like, all right, man,
well, I'm 5'7", so...
I see what
you're getting at with that one.
But you gotta call it something, right?
So call it the big cut. Um...
Except some brands have
started calling it the "prominent cut."
That's really funny, right?
Imagine you set me up
on a blind date with someone,
you're like, "You are gonna love him.
He is really prominent."
"Oh my God, is he a senator? Is he a...
"Is he a CEO?"
"No, he's had dessert
every day for four months."
"Yeah."
"His doctor says
he's morbidly prominent, actually."
I find myself getting
in the fat zone mentally
a lot these days.
Like, I find myself just getting high
and replying to restaurant's
Instagram stories.
I used to flirt with girls on there,
now I just see a picture of ribs.
I'm like, "Oh my God..."
"Oh man."
"Those look succulent." [chuckles]
Wake up, I've been left on read
by a Korean barbecue restaurant.
It's hard. It's hard getting so fat
you can't comfortably
watch yourself get head anymore.
I feel like I'm behind
the tall guy at a concert now.
"Buddy, come on.
What the fuck, dude? Come on."
I need the same setup your barber uses
to show you the back of your head.
You know, I need like a...
[crowd cheering]
"Oh, shit. That's good."
"That's nice technique right there."
[chuckles]
[chuckling]
I do wanna lose weight,
but I want to lose weight
to feel better, you know?
It's not about how I look,
because honestly, I think I look sick.
- [crowd cheering]
- Yeah, thanks.
I appreciate it. Thank you.
I do. I...
Legitimately, I look
in the mirror every day like,
"Damn, that's a fucking stud
right there, boy."
"That's a little
pussy-eating rascal right there, dude."
I like the way I look, dude.
I like being fat.
I like my hair.
I like looking like a henchman
in a Steven Seagal movie.
This is a powerful look.
A lot of you motherfuckers would crumble
under the weight of this look.
I like being short, too.
Five-seven's fun.
You have a lot of power
as a short man if you accept it.
Yeah, for real.
Truly, you can fuck
with your friends so easily.
Just pick a guy
that's two inches taller than you,
claim you're the same height,
watch what happens.
"What the fuck, dude?
No, I'm fucking tall. Huh?"
"Yeah, dude, life is
kind of hard for guys like us, isn't it?"
[giggles]
He will disintegrate, I promise you.
Any women in here
with short kings tonight?
- [women yelling]
- Nice. Thank you.
Thank you for what
you're doing for the community, girls.
I want that to be the next trend.
I want that to be the next wave,
women with little guys.
Yeah, and I'm talking small, by the way.
I'm talking pick him up
and suck him off. I'm talking...
I'm talking both hands
on his butt cheeks, just...
Legs dangling like
he's on a rollercoaster.
Up there like a little scarecrow. Just...
That's my dream, dude.
I'm trying to get 'crowed out.
I need a female bodybuilder
with something to prove.
Anybody here been
with a strong girl before?
Like, a bodybuilder,
CrossFit, anything like that?
- [man whooping]
- Yeah? How'd it go? Where'd you meet her?
[man] Uh, Facebook.
Facebook? Oh, nice. What group?
What are you doing?
Were you looking actively
for a strong girl?
- Yes, but I...
- Hell yeah, dude.
Yeah, that fucking rules.
This guy's pretending he needs help
with his deadlift form to get pussy.
He's like, "Well...
I don't know what it is."
"Are my knees not back enough?"
Nice, dude. And you guys went on a date?
You hooked up? What?
[man] So, we were on a date.
Everything was cool.
Okay.
I was kind of nervous
to, like, be aggressive with her.
Sure, because she was
stronger than you, right? Yeah,
It was the first time
it wasn't a sure thing, huh?
[laughing]
It doesn't feel good being
in a fight that isn't fixed, huh, pal?
[laughing]
You whisper, "I'm going to need you
to take a dive in the second round."
[crowd applauding]
"My masculinity needs this."
So, what were the dynamics?
I mean... I just... I...
Hold on. Shh.
I know he's flustered,
but give him a chance.
She's not here.
She can't hurt you anymore. Don't worry.
[laughing]
So, I eat dick pills like they're candy.
You take dick pill.
Okay, so you were dick-pilled up.
Just your penis
wasn't even a dick anymore.
It was more like
a weapon you were welding.
And it was your only line of defense
against this woman
that's much stronger than you.
"Watch out. I've got a hard dick."
"You and those
giant biceps, back up, lady!"
[laughing]
"There is so much Cialis
in here right now, bitch."
Okay, so you're hard but nervous,
is what you're saying...
[laughing]
...which is a very funny combination to be.
[trembling] Hand shaking, dick on cobalt.
[laughs]
That's awesome, dude.
So you're hard but you're sweating. Okay.
I ended up getting scared
because I couldn't breathe at one point
and I couldn't let her know
that was happening.
[laughs]
You had to tap during sex.
[laughing]
She had you in a kimura, dude.
[laughing]
Dude, scared with a hard dick
is one of the worst combinations
I've ever heard in my life. [laughing]
But you survived it.
You made it out and did everybody bust?
- Uh, yes.
- Wow, okay. That's good. Yeah.
[crowd cheering]
[chuckling]
You were on all fours
and she pulled your dick back
and fucked you doggy-style like that.
[laughing]
That's how you "made her cum."
[laughing]
That's beautiful, man.
That's a beautiful love story
that you got going on there.
[laughs]
Yeah. I, uh... That's nice.
I hooked up with a strong girl once.
She was much stronger than me.
She was a bodybuilder.
Um, it was awesome.
I was going down on her. I just had
these giant thighs wrapped around my head.
I started seeing black spots.
I was like, "Oh my God.
If I don't make this woman cum,
I'm going to die."
There's a real thrill to
eating pussy under duress, I have to say.
I felt like I was on
the bomb squad, you know?
I was like, "Uh..."
"Uh..."
"Oh fuck."
It felt like the squirt locker in there.
You know what I'm saying?
[chuckles] Yeah.
I haven't always
been this confident in my body.
I'll admit that. You know?
When I was younger,
I was very self-conscious. Um...
The irony is
that's when I looked the best. You know?
When I was 18, I was a little chubby,
but I was a handsome kid.
Like, if you showed
18-year-old me a picture of me now,
he would start crying.
He would be like,
"What?"
"We never got it together?"
It's like, "No, buddy, it's not
what it looks like. Life rules."
"We don't own a diner, I promise you."
I used to think, when I was younger,
I thought my body
would ruin my relationships.
And it turns out
it's my personality that does that.
I've learned that lesson
over and over again.
I'm pretty sad.
I can't get over the last girl I dated.
It's been a while.
I'm still kind of sad about it.
Anybody here going through it,
a break-up, heartache, anything like that?
You? What's going on, dude?
Freshly broken up with?
Or you broke up with someone?
- [man 2] A little bit of both.
- Little bit of both.
Okay, I'm going to guess
you got broken up with.
It's not your fault,
but usually it's pretty definitive
if we're really honest with ourselves. So...
The person saying "it's complicated"
usually is the one
that got broken up with.
But when you say a little bit of both,
give me the nuance that I...
doubt was actually there.
She said the words, I kind of finished it.
[Stavros] Okay, great. Awesome. So...
What you're saying is
someone was in the middle
of breaking up with you
and she's like,
"Brian, I don't love you anymore."
"Me neither. I don't love you, actually."
"Actually, I'm the one who doesn't
love you, so it's fucking cool. Ha-ha."
"Wow, that was kind of awesome."
"We both think
the same thing at the same time."
"So, yeah, get out of here now!"
[laughing]
That's awesome. I'm sorry to shatter
your very thinly held reality just now,
but you 100% got broken up with.
[laughing]
You finished it!
I've been there, too.
I'm sorry. I don't mean to shit on you.
I do, because you're dumb, but...
[laughing]
You're protecting yourself.
It's okay. We all have to do that. Um...
How long were you guys together?
- Three and half years.
- Damn.
Yeah. How old are you?
- Thirty-three tomorrow.
- Yeah, that's a tough...
Oh, tomorrow, damn, sorry.
[laughing]
Let's go celebrate the birthday.
Get away from the traumatic breakup
that I'm still lying to myself about.
I'm sure it won't come up,
and I'll have
a beautiful night of laughter.
[laughing]
[crowd applauding, cheering]
It's for the best, babe. Don't worry.
Well, listen, can
somebody suck this guy off?
It's his birthday tomorrow. Come on.
[crowd whistling, cheering]
And that goes
for anybody watching at home.
We'll have his email address
at the end credits.
You guys ever been so heartbroken
that you've had
to confront your own racism?
Has that ever happened to you guys?
There's a girl that broke up with me.
She's Korean, right?
And when it happened,
I was really devastated
because I realized I took her for granted,
and we could've had a really
nice relationship, but I fucked it up.
So I was so devastated.
I was like, I'm just going to get high.
I'm just gonna watch
some Netflix for like a week.
I'm gonna let this wash over me, right?
I was like, "All right,
let me watch something fun."
"I haven't seen Squid Games yet.
Let me check this out."
And I could not watch Squid Games
because just seeing
any Korean person made me sad.
Which is ridiculous. I know that.
A white woman's never
broken up with me, and I'm like,
"No more Frasier."
A Black girl's never
called it off and I'm like,
"There goes the NBA this season."
"See you next October, Giannis."
I don't know what to do now.
I think I might try being a side bitch.
That seems kind of fun.
No one's really cheating with me now,
but I am monitoring a couple situations.
Ever see a girl you like
post something with her boyfriend,
you just wanna give it
a thumbs down? Just be like, "No!"
"Stop hitting milestones with him."
"You're on my sexual watch list."
I'm just camped out
at the building across from her DMs, just...
Just waiting. Just...
"Oh. Uh-oh, crying selfie.
'Men ain't shit.' Take the shot!"
"You're beautiful queen,
I would never treat you like that!"
"It's none of my business,
but you deserve so much better."
"Do you like the Cheesecake Factory?"
And now we wait.
[chuckles] I'm trying
to be better about dating in general.
I was kind of a dickhead in my 20s.
Just kind of inconsiderate,
bad at communicating.
And it's funny the mental gymnastics
you'll go through to convince yourself
you're not mistreating
a woman, as a dirtbag.
Like, "Well, I see her
three times a week."
"I've met her mom.
I bust inside every time, but...
she knows it ain't that serious. I mean..."
Come on, I never send her
any heart emojis. She gets it.
That's really what I thought
was clear communication, no hearts.
So I was like,
"Well, we're not serious. No hearts."
Which is so dumb, right?
Imagine you wake up next to someone,
have a beautiful morning,
talk about your hopes and dreams,
and then an hour later you just
hit her with the hang loose emoji.
You're like, "Hope you got home safe."
Surfing guy.
[chuckles]
So dumb.
I'm kinda all over the place right now.
I'm dating a lot of girls
in open relationships.
It's pretty fun. Yeah, it's fun.
It's like a girlfriend Airbnb.
Where it's like,
"Well, I'm not on the lease,
but I'll pop in for the weekend."
Sometimes it's great.
Sometimes you've made a new friend
and she'll have sex with you.
That's a pretty cool friend
in my book, but...
Yeah, sometimes it can go wrong.
I thought I really
wanted to be sexualized.
I was like,
"I want to be treated like an object."
And then it happened to me,
and it fucked me up, to be honest.
I was with this girl
in an open relationship,
she was into fat guys, straight up.
She was using me for my body. Um...
She was gonna come over,
we were gonna have sex,
that was the whole plan.
But, you know, I'm a good host. Right?
I'm going to put out a couple snacks,
a little wine, you know?
So she comes over, we start chatting,
I start getting to know her a little bit.
And I can tell that
she's instantly annoyed with me.
I'm like, "Pfft. Okay, I guess I'll...
pull my penis out." And...
five minutes later I'm getting head
and I'm just like...
"You know, she didn't even touch
the Greek salad I made for her. I mean..."
"Have an olive for Christ's sake."
[sighs] "Those were heirloom tomatoes."
"You know, I really should
put this in some Tupperware,
give me a second here."
[chuckles]
I do want to be in
a serious relationship though,
I do want to give that a shot.
Um, and I feel good about my odds.
You know, I'm 34,
it's about to be
divorce season for girls my age.
Yeah.
Yeah. I might get myself
a little certified pre-owned wife,
you know?
Show up at the wife store,
the guy's like, "Buddy,
you're never going to believe this."
"Last guy, closeted homosexual."
"Barely put a dent in that pussy."
"Oh my God."
"I'll take her." [chuckles]
"What a steal."
[laughing]
Don't get me wrong,
I'm not going to change my lifestyle.
I'm still going
to be a fat little slut, but...
somebody cool comes around,
great, we'll give it a shot.
Until then, I'm going
to keep getting my titty sucked.
You can take a slutty lifestyle
too far though, I'll admit that.
I recently installed
a sex mirror in my home.
Um...
It was initially to open up the space,
I was reading some design blogs, but...
still, I hung up this giant mirror
in my bedroom and I was like,
"Hey, wait a second,
it'd be pretty cool
to watch yourself fuck in one of these."
And it turns out it sucks, actually.
I thought this'd be awesome,
because in my head
I thought I fucked cool, you know?
In my head, I thought I fucked like...
Regal, powerful, you know?
And then I watched myself
actually fuck in real-time,
and it looked a lot more
like a raccoon had tripped a floodlight.
I was just like... [grunts]
"Ah, no!"
"No! That's what I look like? No!"
Just sweaty, splotchy, hunched over,
tits hanging low, dude.
Like, a shape
I didn't know my tits could be.
Just with the most pathetic little strokes
you've ever seen in your life. Just...
[grunting rhythmically]
My face just like...
[smacking lips, grunting]
Like, that's what
women see when they fuck me?
They see that and they're like,
"Hell yeah, dude, nice."
It's crazy.
I don't, uh, I don't really have a type,
but I feel like
I'm a certain people's type.
A lot of bi girls are into me,
which, yeah, I love it, it's fun.
Um, there's no real pressure
to stay hard, you know?
It's like, "Well, looks like
we're just a couple of lesbians now."
[chuckling]
It's like...
"Looks like we're gonna be
finger-popping all night, baby girl."
If you do hook up with people
and you don't know them very well,
you should use a condom, of course.
Sometimes a condom breaks though,
and that's very scary.
Um...
Except at first.
Because at first you're like,
"Whoa, she just did
something really cool. What?"
"Did she just hit
the NOS button on her pussy?"
[imitates rocket booster] Whoa, dude.
Ah!
"I feel like Paul Walker right now, dude."
[laughs]
Anybody here doing anything fun?
Anybody here pegging, getting pegged,
- any of that?
- [scattered cheers]
Yeah, we got
some peggers in the crowd? Nice.
I've never been pegged.
I'm not against it.
I'm just saving it for marriage.
I just feel like the first person
who fucks my ass should be my wife.
Call me old-fashioned.
What can I say?
I was raised Greek Orthodox.
Greek Orthodox means
I'm also uncircumcised.
- [woman yelling]
- Yeah. Nice. We've got...
We've got a fan in the building. Thanks.
- Yeah.
- [indistinct yelling]
Nice. That's...
Okay, hang out. Stick around. Uh...
[laughing]
You know, some people, there's a stigma
not for some people. You know...
She's all for it.
I've never really
experienced any problems.
One girl wouldn't give me head
because I'm uncircumcised,
and that felt
like discrimination. You know?
That's no way to treat
a proud Mediterranean-American.
For the most part,
people are cool, you know?
For the most part, if I get any reaction,
what I get is interest and surprise.
Like, I get what happens if you give
a white trash person sushi, you know?
Like, uh...
[mumbling] "Oh! That's pretty good."
[laughing]
There was one time, though, where
my uncircumcised penis was a problem.
This was very early on
in my sexual career.
This was with my college girlfriend.
And it was my fault, I'll be honest.
I don't have a good uncircumcised penis.
I have a finicky penis. Uh...
Foreskin's a little too tight.
Think about trying to get
a fat toddler in a baby's turtleneck.
Like...
It won't go down all the way, you know?
My dick's always kind of hanging out
like this, "Like, what's up, dude?"
"What's going on, playboy?"
My dick's a lot like the neighbor
from Home Improvement, you know?
[chuckles]
So...
So, I'm with my college girlfriend,
she wanted to take things slow,
that was cool with me.
I didn't have sex in high school,
so I was like, "However long you need,
but eventually I get pussy.
Please. I need it."
Um... And things were going great.
We had a good relationship,
we really liked each other,
things were progressing nicely,
and eventually I had
amassed enough boyfriend tokens
to get jacked off.
Tried to trade them in,
I was like, "How about a blow job?"
She was like, "Hand job."
Like it was Chuck E. Cheese.
You're like, "Can I have that helicopter?"
"Vampire teeth! You know..."
"You know how many tickets you have, kid."
[chuckles]
Still, I was thrilled
to be getting a hand job, and...
So we're hooking up,
and it's not going great.
She hasn't seen a lot of dicks,
let alone a fucked up dick like mine.
And she doesn't have
the proper finesse approach it requires,
so any time I'm even close to coming,
she's just like yanks on it too hard,
and I'm just like... [yelps]
[laughs] You know?
And I don't have the self-esteem
at this point in my life to be like,
"Hey, um, this is one of the worst things
anyone's ever done to me."
"Can you please stop?"
So we're both just suffering
through this horrific hand job.
It's taking forever,
it's taking like 45 minutes, you know.
She switched arms a bunch of times.
I can see the fatigue in her eyes.
She's trying everything though,
to her credit. She's a real trooper.
At a certain point she just starts
jacking me off with her lower body,
where her hand is on my penis,
but all the locomotion is happening
with her legs.
You know?
She gives me like
a full body bounce at one point.
[moaning]
Finally, by some miracle,
I'm about to bust.
And I don't know
how your guy's dicks work,
but I have kind of
similar physics to a Super Soaker. So...
the more pumps, the more velocity,
and I've been getting pumped
or quite some time here.
So she's staring down
the barrel of my penis,
and I'm about to come,
and she can tell because I'm like,
"Yes, finally, finally,
yes, yes, please, please, please."
And, in that moment, she freaks out,
she maybe can sense
what's about to happen,
aims it away from her,
and I just get a rocket coming back at me.
And the first time
a woman ever made me come
it ended up in my own eye.
I'm just sitting there, I'm like,
"Uh, ha... Awesome."
"Exactly how I thought it would go."
I'm just sitting there watching
my little ass dick shrink in her hand.
And by the way,
I don't care that my dick is small, okay?
The bigger the dick, the closer to Hell,
as far as I'm concerned.
You and those danglers
dancing with the Devil.
Not me, baby.
I'm high and tight
near our dear Lord Jesus Christ.
[crowd cheering]
Thank you guys very much,
that's gonna do it for me.
[cheering continues]
So sick, guys. Thank you.
["Let Me Show Em" by Mighty Mark playing]
Love you, guys. We'll see you next time.
It's star time
This man is made
He's killing all y'all jive turkeys
It's star time
This man is made
He's killing all y'all jive turkeys
[song continues]
[laughing]
[motorcycle engines rumbling]
[bike horn playing "La Cucaracha"]
Oh my God, you saved my life. Thank you.
[woman] No, thank you
for having sex with me
and my friends all night last night.
Hey. That was cool.
You're like no one else
I've ever been with.
You're like... a god.
That's awesome, but I kinda...
I have a show, so...
Bye, girls. Bye-bye.
[sighs] You fat rascal.
- [crowd cheering]
- [upbeat music playing]
[announcer] Without further ado,
Stavros Halkias!
["Let Me Show Em" by Mighty Mark playing]
[crowd cheering]
What's up? Hi.
How are we doing?
How are we all?
How are we doing, gang? Huh?
This is fucking sick.
Sit down.
[music stops]
Stop it. Holy shit.
This is hilarious, huh?
Look at this place.
We don't belong here.
You and I don't belong here.
You motherfuckers have never been
in a balcony before in your lives.
Slipknot T-shirt in the fucking orchestra.
[laughs]
Damn, the whole GameStop
management team came through.
[laughing]
Hell yeah, dude.
Fuck.
Can you get me a deal on a PS5?
Boys, what's up?
[Stavros laughing]
How many GameCube trade-ins
did you guys fucking cash in
to sit in those seats?
[laughing]
How am I looking? You like the fit, huh?
- [crowd cheering]
- Like it?
You know what it's like for a man
like me to wear white jeans, you know?
Weak stream, short penis. You know
the nerve-wracking piss I just took?
Just fully...
just hamstrings fully extended.
"Ah, fuck."
Trying to get my penis just completely,
just dripping directly over the bowl.
[laughs]
I mean, these guys wore
their best cargo shorts, I might as well...
I might as well have
put on my best outfit as well
for this special taping.
[laughing]
I'm sorry. We're more alike
than we are different, boys.
I don't mean...
I don't mean to shit on you.
You're my guys.
[laughing]
Uh, fun to be in Austin.
Hilarious town.
- Very funny place.
- [scattered whoops]
It sucks. You guys know that, right?
You know...
You know, this town is dog shit. Um...
Don't get me wrong.
It used to be cool, you know what I mean?
Used to be the kind of place
you might catch a couple cowboys
sucking each other off
on roller skates, you know?
Something...
Something fun, something quirky,
the kind of shit that would make
the rest of Texas mad, you know?
Not anymore, dude.
Now it's a bunch of tech dorks
ruining the whole place.
A bunch of WeWorks
and losers with Whoop straps, you know?
Really? You need to know
your blood oxygen level to code?
Why do you need to know that?
Why are you in an ice bath?
You work for Amazon. Stop.
Tech has never helped us one time.
They haven't improved our lives.
They haven't invented shit.
Here's how every tech company
gets successful now. Here's the secret.
They're like, "Hey, you know
that thing that already exists?"
"What if we don't pay people to do it?"
"What if we just...
"You know how taxi drivers
can afford to feed their families?"
"What if they couldn't?" [chuckles]
And that was the pitch
for Uber, basically. That was it.
Some VC guy was like,
"Holy shit, that's awesome."
Some decrepit billionaire
hanging upside down,
getting a Puerto Rican teenager's
blood pumped into his heart directly,
he's like, "Yeah, man, that's all."
"Give that guy
a trillion dollars for that idea."
But every time they advertise a new app,
it's always so positive and bubbly.
Even though the thing is
very sinister if you think about it.
It's always like,
"We know times are tough here in America."
"That's why we created Harvest."
"Did you know you have...
two kidneys?"
"Seems kind of unnecessary, doesn't it?"
"Well, with Harvest,
your second kidney can be your first step
towards financial freedom."
And the tech CEOs,
everyone sucks those guys off,
everyone pretends like they're geniuses.
They're fucking dumb as shit.
Everyone sucks Elon off, I don't get it.
I don't think that guy's that smart.
I think people think he's smart
because they can't place his accent.
I think that's it.
I think people are like, "Whoa!"
"What is this guy? From England?
From the future? What is that?"
"I should listen."
I mean, he's embarrassing himself
with Twitter, right?
Running into the ground,
just blowing it completely.
He bought Twitter
because he likes tweeting.
That's how poor people
spend money, you know?
You give me 40 billion dollars,
I'm not buying Pornhub.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, I like jacking off.
I don't know how
to code or anything like that.
I buy Pornhub, I'm like, "Yeah,
put my comments to the top, make sure..."
"Make sure everybody sees my shit."
"'Nice breasts, Lisa Ann.'"
"'Do you want to hang out sometime?'"
"No? Delete her account."
"I own Pornhub."
[chuckles]
His other ideas
don't make any sense to me either.
He was going to solve traffic
with a one-lane underground tunnel?
A baby could tell you
that's not going to work.
A baby with a Hot Wheels track
could tell you there's
some problems with that idea.
My favorite Elon idea is Neuralink.
Neuralink's a chip
that goes directly into your brain,
connects you directly to the Internet.
You know the Internet, the thing
you wish you were more connected to?
He tried on a bunch of monkeys,
they all killed themselves.
That really... that happened,
And he was just like,
"Nah, nah, four months,
we'll be ready to go
for humans, no problem."
[chuckling]
I don't know about you guys,
I'd never put a chip in my head,
that's crazy.
There's no way, because it's like,
a company's not going to make you smarter.
What's going to happen
is your childhood memories
are going behind a paywall.
That's what's going to happen.
You're gonna be sitting,
reminiscing one day,
all of a sudden you'll hear,
"To unlock Amanda's breasts,
please update
your debit card information."
"Getting jacked off on the school bus
is a platinum-level memory."
[chuckling]
You're gonna try to remember
the last time you and your dad connected
and a Spotify ad
is going to start playing.
"This tearful reconciliation
is brought to you by Burger King."
[chuckling]
I just hate what
tech companies do to cities.
What they do to awesome cities.
I mean, you guys are
experiencing it right now.
It sucks, dude.
Like, any time a tech company
moves into a cool city
they won't rest
until they've turned it into
a series of breweries and climbing gyms
connected by Lime scooters.
They won't solve
the homelessness they cause,
but they'll make sure
you can zip on past it.
They won't give 'em houses
but they'll make them blurry. Uh...
It's not just tech cities I hate though.
Some cities I hate
just because they suck. Right?
I mean, Phoenix, dog shit town on its own.
You know, just...
Too hot, very racist over there.
They're real racist
against Mexicans in Arizona, in general.
It's like, you know,
racist people like the idea
of people belonging somewhere.
Well, who do you think belongs there?
You think it's the pink motherfuckers
who get melanoma scraped off
their shoulders every three months?
You think John McCain
is indigenous to Phoenix?
Going to Arizona
and being racist against Mexicans
is like going to Disney World
and being like,
"What the fuck are
all these cartoons doing here?"
"What the hell is this?"
"I'm trying to ride the teacups
with my white family."
"Why does Goofy
keep trying to sell me pupusas?"
Yeah, Phoenix also the first place
anybody told me I wasn't white.
That happened there.
A guy came up to me
after a show and he was like,
"Hey, man, that joke where
you said you were white, that was weird."
I was like, "Uh, what are
you talking about, man? I'm Greek."
And he was like, "Exactly."
[chuckling]
He was accusing me
of stealing white valor, you know?
I left that interaction, I was like,
"Man, that guy's dumb as hell."
And then I went to Greece and I was like...
"Hold on, he might be
onto something, actually."
[chuckling] Because I went to Greece
and everybody in Greece is like
this little hairy loudmouth, you know?
Very tan, olive skin, touchy-feely,
a lot of jewelry, a lot of emotions,
act really gay but are homophobic.
If you think about it,
we're pretty much Arabs.
Right? Like...
We check off a lot more Arab boxes
than we do white boxes.
That's all I'm saying.
So how did Greek people
become white in America?
And I think the answer is
white people wanted
Ancient Greece on their resume.
I think that's what it is.
I think we're dealing with a case
of white stat-padding here.
I think white people were like,
"Democracy, the Olympics, philosophy...
"Dibs! Don't even think about it, Arabs."
Kind of a similar
move they pulled with Jesus.
Right? I mean...
We all know
he was a little brown guy, for sure.
A hundred percent.
He looked a lot more like a day laborer
than the guy you're thinking of right now.
White people were like, "Nah,
the Savior's ours and guess what?"
"He's a piece of ass too."
Blonde hair, blue eyes,
abs for some reason.
That's right. God is white.
And guess what?
You're going to want to suck him off too.
I don't know why they made him
so fuckable. I don't understand.
You gotta hand it
to Ancient Greece though,
an incredible civilization.
Imagine being so
successful as a civilization
that 3,000 years later
your descendants face less racism.
That's crazy.
Some guy 3,000 years ago
sculpted a marble penis so beautiful
that it is now easier for me
to get a bank loan than a Latino man.
That's...
That's good craftsmanship.
You have to admit that.
[chuckling] It's the mark of a master.
So I don't really like
visiting a tech city,
a rich city, a hot city.
I like trashy cities.
I like bottom of the barrel.
Give me Tampa, Florida.
You know what I'm saying?
- [crowd cheering]
- Yeah. Yeah.
Every woman in Tampa is like
the hottest waitress in a bowling alley.
You know?
It's like, "You're hot,
but you're here. Uh..."
I've had very enriching experiences
with the people of Tampa.
I was at a show once,
I was doing a show,
there was an older woman in the crowd,
maybe in her mid-60s.
She was being very disruptive.
She kept, like, yelling out.
It was very annoying.
And when the show was over,
I was so happy it was done.
I got a car immediately.
I'm sitting on this park bench
waiting for the guy to show up.
He's taking forever.
And then here comes
this lady from the show, this older woman.
She sits down next to me. I'm like...
"Okay, I guess I'm going
to have to make small talk
with this unstable
person for a little bit.
And, uh, we're chatting.
I look at my phone, the guy's lost.
He's even further away now.
So I, um,
I start making out
with this old lady. You know?
[laughs]
She gave me the look.
I don't know what you want from me.
But she also taught me
a very important lesson, you know.
It turns out,
sometimes whores just get old, right?
They're not all going
to be grandmas, it turns out.
That's very ageist
and sexist of me to think.
What? You turn 60, all of a sudden
you got to start baking cookies?
No, not necessarily.
Some women are fighting the good fight
deep into their golden years.
Giving over-the-pants hand jobs
through arthritic knuckles.
That's a lesson I could
only learn in Tampa, Florida, folks.
I like a trashy city. I like a fat city.
I feel at home there.
Yeah, dude. Give me any city
where if you eat
the regional cuisine every day,
you will die.
Right?
Buffalo, Wisconsin.
Give me a town
where if you visit a man's home,
you will see the indentation
he's left in his couch.
Right?
Where the titties are hefty.
Where you suck on
the wrong pair of breasts,
you might need to see
the chiropractor afterwards.
I love those kind of places.
So I like it. It's fun traveling,
getting a different vibe
for each local culture. That part's cool.
That part's awesome about being on tour.
I just hate the physical travel.
I was going to Vancouver
earlier last year,
and I forgot you have to
fill out a bunch of forms
when you work in a foreign country,
and I just didn't have them.
Right? I just did not.
I wasn't supposed to be entering.
I was like, "Nah, I still gotta get in,
so I'm gonna have
to lie to the border guy."
"I know what I'm going to tell him.
I'm gonna tell him I'm here for a girl."
Because in my mind,
he was going to be like,
"Sick, dude. Nice!"
In my mind, he was going to be like,
"Oh, fellow pussy-getter, come right in."
"What are you doing
in the regular line, pal? Come on."
So I tell him, "I'm here for a girl,"
and he doesn't give a fuck, of course.
He was like, "Okay,
where'd you meet this woman?"
I was like, "Um... the internet."
"The internet?
You never met her in person?"
I was like, "No, I met her one time."
Just folding immediately.
He was like, "Okay, how old is this woman?
"Twenty, um...
eight?"
He just looked at me for a while.
He was like,
"This woman is over 18, right?"
Right, yeah. He thought I was a pedophile,
which, you know, did hurt my feelings,
I'm not going to lie to you guys,
but, at the same time,
I was sweating, I was nervous,
I had this hair,
I had these glasses, right?
I saw how he got there, I didn't...
I didn't like it, but...
I could read the road map, right?
Just really hurt my feelings,
'cause he thought I was,
like, a stupid pedophile, you know?
He thinks I'm the kind of pervert where,
"Why come to the country?"
It's like, "Well, to fuck the kids!"
I'm like, "Come on, dude,
either call me stupid
or a pedophile, not both."
That same trip, coming back from Vancouver
was the worst travel experience
I've ever had in my life.
I'd been on the road
for three months in a row,
12 weeks, hadn't been home,
I was so homesick
that I had a 6:00 p.m. flight,
I changed it to 6:00 a.m. last minute,
cost a thousand dollars,
I had to bump up to first class.
I was like, "I don't care,
I'm going to do this,
I need to get home, I just gotta do it,
I gotta get home 12 hours earlier."
So I stay up all night
to make sure I don't miss this flight,
get to the airport, it's delayed, right?
So now my connecting flight,
I only have a half hour
to make an international connection,
which is usually
not enough time, but I was like,
"Nah, fuck that, dude,
we're doing this, right?"
So I'm huffing and puffing
through this whole airport,
I'm elbowing the elderly out of the way.
I'm like, "Excuse me, sir,
I have to be high on my couch."
"Instead of high right here, right now."
I'm doing that
embarrassing little roller bag trot.
You know? I don't care, I'm getting home,
I don't care what the optics are.
So I get there,
by some miracle, I make it to my gate,
six minutes to spare,
I'm the only one
from my flight that made it,
I'm feeling so triumphant,
I'm out of breath,
I go to the girl at the little kiosk,
I show her my boarding pass.
She's a trainee,
tries to scan it, can't get it to work.
And in my head I'm like, "Pfft. Can't
even get a fucking boarding pass to work?"
"Maybe you ain't cut out
for Delta, sweetheart." You know?
I'm feeling cocky right now.
She calls her co-worker over,
she tries to scan it,
she can't get it to work.
She looks at it, she's like,
"Doesn't look like you're on this flight."
I was like, "No, I'm on the flight.
So, please check again?"
Um...
She checks, she's like, "I don't see ya."
I'm like, "Oh, you gotta
be fucking kidding me."
Right under my breath, like a gentleman.
And then she goes,
"Sir, don't use profanity at my kiosk."
I was like, "Your kiosk?
You're an hourly Delta employee, lady."
"I don't have to respect you. Okay?"
I do, don't get me wrong,
but she's kind of
pushing the limits of the social contract
by talking to me
like my middle school teacher.
That's all I'm saying.
Still, I'm trying to make the flight,
so I play along,
I say the right words,
but I say them like a dickhead.
I'm like, "Oh, I'm so sorry. Hmm."
"It won't happen again." Right?
A little cunty, I know,
but I've... I've been up all night,
I'm running off Red Bulls
and Canadian pussy juice at this point,
which is not a hearty enough meal
for this level of travel complication.
That's all.
So she's like, "Huh."
"You know, it looks like
they just kicked you off the flight."
Like she's sharing
a fun little tidbit with me.
I'm like, "Obviously they can't do that."
She's like, "Actually, they can."
Actually, I could shit in your mouth, but...
do you see how that would be rude?
Even though, technically, it is possible.
But I'm like, "All right, dude,
keep calm. It's all right.
You're flying to
New York City, a major city.
I'll be on a new flight in an hour.
I'll eat McDonald's in two airports.
It's not the end of the world.
And then she looks up my next flight,
"Okay, your next flight is
going to be in four hours to Minneapolis,
and four hours after that
you're going to fly to New York.
So now I'm getting home
two hours after the flight
I paid a thousand dollars not to be on,
and I just lost it.
I was like, "No, fuck that, Samantha,
you're gonna put me
on this fucking flight!"
"You've treated me
like an asshole all morning."
"You have no empathy,
you're bad at your job,
you're not pulling off the pixie cut,
I don't know who told you you were."
And it's true, she didn't
have the bone structure for it.
She's like, "Sir, calm down,
I'm going to call the police."
I was like, "The police? For this?"
"You can't call the police for this."
And it turned out
it was actually very easy
for her to call the police,
which I was not expecting.
So, I changed my tune immediately,
I'm like, "Hey Samantha,
I'm really sorry about...
all that stuff I was saying earlier."
"I'm having a bad day."
"Do you think maybe
I could get on the flight, please?"
She won't even make eye contact with me
so I go right back at her.
"You're a fucking piece of shit Samantha!"
You think you get a promotion for this?
You're going to die at this kiosk!
Right? [chuckles] I'm fucking losing it.
People are shielding
their children's eyes from me.
Eventually, her boss comes,
her boss is also a bitch,
but she's a professional bitch, you know.
She's like, "Look, we had
a problem with your bag,
this is the fastest way
we could get you home."
"It's either this
or you wait a whole extra day."
I was like, "All right, fine. Cool."
She's like, "Okay, great."
"So you understand you're
not going to get on this flight, right?"
And it's like, "Well, it left, so, yeah."
"I understand the basic laws
of time and space,
if that's what you're asking me."
She's like, "Great, you've calmed down.
We don't have to get the police involved."
"You never had to get the police involved,
your coworker was overreacting.
"Really? Because she said
you called her a dumb bitch repeatedly."
"Is that true?"
[haughtily] "I don't remember."
[laughing] So...
So she's going to go call the cops,
tell them not to bother showing up.
But it's already been a half hour
since Samantha called them,
and they're already on their way.
And what I see when
I look to my left, coming towards me,
is two grown men riding bicycles.
I see two cops on bikes,
little shorts, little helmet.
Helmet? You're worried about
a high-speed collision in Terminal E,
you fucking assholes.
So they pull up,
I'm not trying to antagonize anyone,
I start laughing, right?
Because I saw something stupid, right?
She thinks I've lost my mind.
She's like, "What's going on?"
I'm like, "Ha. They're on bikes." Right?
Like, she's going to be in on it.
Like she's going to be,
"I know, fucking idiots."
Instead, she goes, "Sir, I thought
we talked about your attitude."
I was like,
"They're on bikes! That's funny!"
"That's outdoor transportation. Come on!"
She didn't find it funny.
You're not going to believe this,
the cops really didn't find it funny.
They were actually
pretty rude to me after that. Um...
But I get that too, right?
These are airport cops.
That's a tough job. Right?
There's cameras everywhere.
You can't even do hate crimes, which...
is one of the big
perks of the job, as I understand it.
So...
So these guys haven't accosted
a Black teenage in a while,
and they're grumpy. You know?
And they're taking it out on me.
They take my license,
they take my passport.
They just make me sit there
for 40 minutes with no ID,
sweat it out.
Eventually, they come back
and they're like,
"Sir, due to your conduct this afternoon,
you've been placed on
a problem passenger list here in Canada."
"You want to be extra careful when you
go through security and customs now on."
It turns out they were
fucking with me, I think.
I've been to Canada since, no one cares.
But at the time, I was freaking out
because I had a ton of drugs in my bag.
I had a bunch of edibles,
I had a bunch of mushrooms.
I was like, "Damn, is Canada
about to get me this hard?"
"Am I going to miss my flight
and have to throw my drugs away?"
And I thought about it,
I was like, "No, fuck that, baby."
"USA! These colors don't run."
- [crowd cheering]
- Yeah.
Hell yeah.
That's right.
These maple syrup-drinking motherfuckers
still got the Queen on their money, okay?
I'm pretty sure we told
her great-great-grandfather
to suck our dicks, so...
I'm keeping my drugs and guess what?
I'm doing some right now.
That's what I did right then and there.
Took 40 milligrams of edibles.
Honestly, had a pretty sick
afternoon after that.
I ran up a $90 tab
at Hudson News, you know?
I'm eating big Toblerones
like they're corn on the cob, you know?
Mmm.
[laughs]
Finally, it's time for me
to check-in to my next flight.
And the lady at
that kiosk, she's really nice.
She's this cute little fat short lady.
She's kind of like the Mario
to Samantha's Wario, you know?
And as I'm walking onto my next flight,
she compliments my shirt.
"What is this lady talking about?"
Like I said, this was
at the end of 12 weeks of touring.
I had no clean laundry left.
The only thing I had left was this
Scar from The Lion King T-shirt
that said,
"I'm surrounded by idiots" on it.
And that's when I kind of zoomed down
and thought about what everybody else
was seeing at the airport that day.
Because I thought I was being perceived
as a hero for consumer rights.
Um, but everybody else was seeing
some fat, sassy Disney nerd in sweatpants
just having a meltdown.
"You gotta put me on the plane!"
"I need to get to the Magic Kingdom!"
[chuckling]
My next flight was a lot better than that.
I joined the 10-foot-high club.
Um, yeah, which is when you beat off
while the plane is still boarding.
[guffaws]
I was pretty relaxed for that one.
Also, the last two years have been
pretty unhealthy for me in general,
not just to travel.
I've been chubbin' up big time.
Recently, I've been
doing that thing where it's like,
"Hmm, I wonder what
the chicken wings are like in Omaha."
You know?
Just telling myself little fat lies.
"Well, I simply must try
the chocolate in Missouri"
"I mean, what are Kit Kats like here?"
It's hard. I'm trying
to lose weight. It's difficult.
You learn a lot about yourself
when you're trying to lose weight,
even places you're not expecting to.
I was at a party the other night,
I was getting real drunk,
getting real wasted.
My friend comes out
with a breathalyzer test.
He's like, "Let's blow into this.
Let's see who the drunkest is!"
It's like, fine, we can do that.
But one of our friends
is an alcoholic, so...
he's gonna win, right?
Of course, we all blow into it,
and, of course, the alcoholic,
his name's Pete, he wins.
- He blows a .20.
- [scattered groans]
Right. Couple DUIs in the room? Yeah.
Yeah, that's like
2% of your blood is alcohol.
He's essentially a
Michelob Ultra at that point.
And everyone's just like, "Yeah, Pete!"
"So fucked up!"
"Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete!"
No one's like, "Damn,
we should get Pete some help." Right?
Doesn't cross anybody's mind.
And that's when I realized
I'm super envious of alcoholics.
Cause that's the only disease
that gets glorified that way.
That's never happened with my disease.
Never happened with my addiction.
I'm never going to be at a party
and some guy comes out with a stethoscope
and a Velcro cuff.
"Let's get everybody's blood pressure!"
"Stav, Stav, Stav, Stav."
"190 over 90. Holy shit."
I'm just shotgunning
Yoo-hoo's the whole time.
"Let's fucking go."
I can tell I'm gaining weight
because the places I can shop,
the list keeps shrinking.
Like, say goodbye to Macy's, The Gap.
I'm clinging on to Old Navy
for dear life right now.
I'm in Walmart. I'm a king in Walmart.
I've been doing
a little too much of my clothes shopping
in a place that also sells motor oil.
The final frontier
when you're gaining weight as a man
is the big and tall store.
Uh, and the big and tall store
is a lot like hypothermia.
Because at the end of hypothermia
you stop feeling cold
and your body just starts
feeling warm and awesome.
You know, it's basically
just telling you to give up. Uh-huh.
That's what
the big and tall store is like.
"Hey, buddy, come on. What are you doing?
Get in here. Come on."
"Stop fighting it. Come on, what is that?"
What are you, counting calories?"
"You can gain 100 pounds and
we got shirts in here, buddy. Come on."
"Come on."
"You're the least fat guy
in this store. Come on."
It rules. It's nice.
These pants are literally
from the big and tall store.
It's nice being the least fat guy
in a store, I have to admit.
I feel like an heiress
at the big and tall store.
I'm like, "Hmm. These only come in 5X."
"Nothing for my dainty little 2XL frame?"
"Daddy won't be pleased."
Yeah.
The toilets, by the way,
at the big and tall store
deserve the Purple Heart.
I don't know if you've...
I've never felt worse
for an inanimate object in my life.
Those boys are bolted into
the ground deep, I'll tell you that much.
That is not a standard bolt job.
I'm willing to bet my life on that.
They treat you nice
at the big and tall store. You know?
I mean, there's never any sales.
They're like, "Okay, go somewhere else."
But still, they...
They know they got you. But still...
The vibes are nice.
They're doing something really funny
at the big and tall store,
where there used to be two cuts.
You know, the tall cut?
A little extra length, right?
And then there's the big cut.
And we all know what big means.
Somebody calls me "big guy,"
it's like, all right, man,
well, I'm 5'7", so...
I see what
you're getting at with that one.
But you gotta call it something, right?
So call it the big cut. Um...
Except some brands have
started calling it the "prominent cut."
That's really funny, right?
Imagine you set me up
on a blind date with someone,
you're like, "You are gonna love him.
He is really prominent."
"Oh my God, is he a senator? Is he a...
"Is he a CEO?"
"No, he's had dessert
every day for four months."
"Yeah."
"His doctor says
he's morbidly prominent, actually."
I find myself getting
in the fat zone mentally
a lot these days.
Like, I find myself just getting high
and replying to restaurant's
Instagram stories.
I used to flirt with girls on there,
now I just see a picture of ribs.
I'm like, "Oh my God..."
"Oh man."
"Those look succulent." [chuckles]
Wake up, I've been left on read
by a Korean barbecue restaurant.
It's hard. It's hard getting so fat
you can't comfortably
watch yourself get head anymore.
I feel like I'm behind
the tall guy at a concert now.
"Buddy, come on.
What the fuck, dude? Come on."
I need the same setup your barber uses
to show you the back of your head.
You know, I need like a...
[crowd cheering]
"Oh, shit. That's good."
"That's nice technique right there."
[chuckles]
[chuckling]
I do wanna lose weight,
but I want to lose weight
to feel better, you know?
It's not about how I look,
because honestly, I think I look sick.
- [crowd cheering]
- Yeah, thanks.
I appreciate it. Thank you.
I do. I...
Legitimately, I look
in the mirror every day like,
"Damn, that's a fucking stud
right there, boy."
"That's a little
pussy-eating rascal right there, dude."
I like the way I look, dude.
I like being fat.
I like my hair.
I like looking like a henchman
in a Steven Seagal movie.
This is a powerful look.
A lot of you motherfuckers would crumble
under the weight of this look.
I like being short, too.
Five-seven's fun.
You have a lot of power
as a short man if you accept it.
Yeah, for real.
Truly, you can fuck
with your friends so easily.
Just pick a guy
that's two inches taller than you,
claim you're the same height,
watch what happens.
"What the fuck, dude?
No, I'm fucking tall. Huh?"
"Yeah, dude, life is
kind of hard for guys like us, isn't it?"
[giggles]
He will disintegrate, I promise you.
Any women in here
with short kings tonight?
- [women yelling]
- Nice. Thank you.
Thank you for what
you're doing for the community, girls.
I want that to be the next trend.
I want that to be the next wave,
women with little guys.
Yeah, and I'm talking small, by the way.
I'm talking pick him up
and suck him off. I'm talking...
I'm talking both hands
on his butt cheeks, just...
Legs dangling like
he's on a rollercoaster.
Up there like a little scarecrow. Just...
That's my dream, dude.
I'm trying to get 'crowed out.
I need a female bodybuilder
with something to prove.
Anybody here been
with a strong girl before?
Like, a bodybuilder,
CrossFit, anything like that?
- [man whooping]
- Yeah? How'd it go? Where'd you meet her?
[man] Uh, Facebook.
Facebook? Oh, nice. What group?
What are you doing?
Were you looking actively
for a strong girl?
- Yes, but I...
- Hell yeah, dude.
Yeah, that fucking rules.
This guy's pretending he needs help
with his deadlift form to get pussy.
He's like, "Well...
I don't know what it is."
"Are my knees not back enough?"
Nice, dude. And you guys went on a date?
You hooked up? What?
[man] So, we were on a date.
Everything was cool.
Okay.
I was kind of nervous
to, like, be aggressive with her.
Sure, because she was
stronger than you, right? Yeah,
It was the first time
it wasn't a sure thing, huh?
[laughing]
It doesn't feel good being
in a fight that isn't fixed, huh, pal?
[laughing]
You whisper, "I'm going to need you
to take a dive in the second round."
[crowd applauding]
"My masculinity needs this."
So, what were the dynamics?
I mean... I just... I...
Hold on. Shh.
I know he's flustered,
but give him a chance.
She's not here.
She can't hurt you anymore. Don't worry.
[laughing]
So, I eat dick pills like they're candy.
You take dick pill.
Okay, so you were dick-pilled up.
Just your penis
wasn't even a dick anymore.
It was more like
a weapon you were welding.
And it was your only line of defense
against this woman
that's much stronger than you.
"Watch out. I've got a hard dick."
"You and those
giant biceps, back up, lady!"
[laughing]
"There is so much Cialis
in here right now, bitch."
Okay, so you're hard but nervous,
is what you're saying...
[laughing]
...which is a very funny combination to be.
[trembling] Hand shaking, dick on cobalt.
[laughs]
That's awesome, dude.
So you're hard but you're sweating. Okay.
I ended up getting scared
because I couldn't breathe at one point
and I couldn't let her know
that was happening.
[laughs]
You had to tap during sex.
[laughing]
She had you in a kimura, dude.
[laughing]
Dude, scared with a hard dick
is one of the worst combinations
I've ever heard in my life. [laughing]
But you survived it.
You made it out and did everybody bust?
- Uh, yes.
- Wow, okay. That's good. Yeah.
[crowd cheering]
[chuckling]
You were on all fours
and she pulled your dick back
and fucked you doggy-style like that.
[laughing]
That's how you "made her cum."
[laughing]
That's beautiful, man.
That's a beautiful love story
that you got going on there.
[laughs]
Yeah. I, uh... That's nice.
I hooked up with a strong girl once.
She was much stronger than me.
She was a bodybuilder.
Um, it was awesome.
I was going down on her. I just had
these giant thighs wrapped around my head.
I started seeing black spots.
I was like, "Oh my God.
If I don't make this woman cum,
I'm going to die."
There's a real thrill to
eating pussy under duress, I have to say.
I felt like I was on
the bomb squad, you know?
I was like, "Uh..."
"Uh..."
"Oh fuck."
It felt like the squirt locker in there.
You know what I'm saying?
[chuckles] Yeah.
I haven't always
been this confident in my body.
I'll admit that. You know?
When I was younger,
I was very self-conscious. Um...
The irony is
that's when I looked the best. You know?
When I was 18, I was a little chubby,
but I was a handsome kid.
Like, if you showed
18-year-old me a picture of me now,
he would start crying.
He would be like,
"What?"
"We never got it together?"
It's like, "No, buddy, it's not
what it looks like. Life rules."
"We don't own a diner, I promise you."
I used to think, when I was younger,
I thought my body
would ruin my relationships.
And it turns out
it's my personality that does that.
I've learned that lesson
over and over again.
I'm pretty sad.
I can't get over the last girl I dated.
It's been a while.
I'm still kind of sad about it.
Anybody here going through it,
a break-up, heartache, anything like that?
You? What's going on, dude?
Freshly broken up with?
Or you broke up with someone?
- [man 2] A little bit of both.
- Little bit of both.
Okay, I'm going to guess
you got broken up with.
It's not your fault,
but usually it's pretty definitive
if we're really honest with ourselves. So...
The person saying "it's complicated"
usually is the one
that got broken up with.
But when you say a little bit of both,
give me the nuance that I...
doubt was actually there.
She said the words, I kind of finished it.
[Stavros] Okay, great. Awesome. So...
What you're saying is
someone was in the middle
of breaking up with you
and she's like,
"Brian, I don't love you anymore."
"Me neither. I don't love you, actually."
"Actually, I'm the one who doesn't
love you, so it's fucking cool. Ha-ha."
"Wow, that was kind of awesome."
"We both think
the same thing at the same time."
"So, yeah, get out of here now!"
[laughing]
That's awesome. I'm sorry to shatter
your very thinly held reality just now,
but you 100% got broken up with.
[laughing]
You finished it!
I've been there, too.
I'm sorry. I don't mean to shit on you.
I do, because you're dumb, but...
[laughing]
You're protecting yourself.
It's okay. We all have to do that. Um...
How long were you guys together?
- Three and half years.
- Damn.
Yeah. How old are you?
- Thirty-three tomorrow.
- Yeah, that's a tough...
Oh, tomorrow, damn, sorry.
[laughing]
Let's go celebrate the birthday.
Get away from the traumatic breakup
that I'm still lying to myself about.
I'm sure it won't come up,
and I'll have
a beautiful night of laughter.
[laughing]
[crowd applauding, cheering]
It's for the best, babe. Don't worry.
Well, listen, can
somebody suck this guy off?
It's his birthday tomorrow. Come on.
[crowd whistling, cheering]
And that goes
for anybody watching at home.
We'll have his email address
at the end credits.
You guys ever been so heartbroken
that you've had
to confront your own racism?
Has that ever happened to you guys?
There's a girl that broke up with me.
She's Korean, right?
And when it happened,
I was really devastated
because I realized I took her for granted,
and we could've had a really
nice relationship, but I fucked it up.
So I was so devastated.
I was like, I'm just going to get high.
I'm just gonna watch
some Netflix for like a week.
I'm gonna let this wash over me, right?
I was like, "All right,
let me watch something fun."
"I haven't seen Squid Games yet.
Let me check this out."
And I could not watch Squid Games
because just seeing
any Korean person made me sad.
Which is ridiculous. I know that.
A white woman's never
broken up with me, and I'm like,
"No more Frasier."
A Black girl's never
called it off and I'm like,
"There goes the NBA this season."
"See you next October, Giannis."
I don't know what to do now.
I think I might try being a side bitch.
That seems kind of fun.
No one's really cheating with me now,
but I am monitoring a couple situations.
Ever see a girl you like
post something with her boyfriend,
you just wanna give it
a thumbs down? Just be like, "No!"
"Stop hitting milestones with him."
"You're on my sexual watch list."
I'm just camped out
at the building across from her DMs, just...
Just waiting. Just...
"Oh. Uh-oh, crying selfie.
'Men ain't shit.' Take the shot!"
"You're beautiful queen,
I would never treat you like that!"
"It's none of my business,
but you deserve so much better."
"Do you like the Cheesecake Factory?"
And now we wait.
[chuckles] I'm trying
to be better about dating in general.
I was kind of a dickhead in my 20s.
Just kind of inconsiderate,
bad at communicating.
And it's funny the mental gymnastics
you'll go through to convince yourself
you're not mistreating
a woman, as a dirtbag.
Like, "Well, I see her
three times a week."
"I've met her mom.
I bust inside every time, but...
she knows it ain't that serious. I mean..."
Come on, I never send her
any heart emojis. She gets it.
That's really what I thought
was clear communication, no hearts.
So I was like,
"Well, we're not serious. No hearts."
Which is so dumb, right?
Imagine you wake up next to someone,
have a beautiful morning,
talk about your hopes and dreams,
and then an hour later you just
hit her with the hang loose emoji.
You're like, "Hope you got home safe."
Surfing guy.
[chuckles]
So dumb.
I'm kinda all over the place right now.
I'm dating a lot of girls
in open relationships.
It's pretty fun. Yeah, it's fun.
It's like a girlfriend Airbnb.
Where it's like,
"Well, I'm not on the lease,
but I'll pop in for the weekend."
Sometimes it's great.
Sometimes you've made a new friend
and she'll have sex with you.
That's a pretty cool friend
in my book, but...
Yeah, sometimes it can go wrong.
I thought I really
wanted to be sexualized.
I was like,
"I want to be treated like an object."
And then it happened to me,
and it fucked me up, to be honest.
I was with this girl
in an open relationship,
she was into fat guys, straight up.
She was using me for my body. Um...
She was gonna come over,
we were gonna have sex,
that was the whole plan.
But, you know, I'm a good host. Right?
I'm going to put out a couple snacks,
a little wine, you know?
So she comes over, we start chatting,
I start getting to know her a little bit.
And I can tell that
she's instantly annoyed with me.
I'm like, "Pfft. Okay, I guess I'll...
pull my penis out." And...
five minutes later I'm getting head
and I'm just like...
"You know, she didn't even touch
the Greek salad I made for her. I mean..."
"Have an olive for Christ's sake."
[sighs] "Those were heirloom tomatoes."
"You know, I really should
put this in some Tupperware,
give me a second here."
[chuckles]
I do want to be in
a serious relationship though,
I do want to give that a shot.
Um, and I feel good about my odds.
You know, I'm 34,
it's about to be
divorce season for girls my age.
Yeah.
Yeah. I might get myself
a little certified pre-owned wife,
you know?
Show up at the wife store,
the guy's like, "Buddy,
you're never going to believe this."
"Last guy, closeted homosexual."
"Barely put a dent in that pussy."
"Oh my God."
"I'll take her." [chuckles]
"What a steal."
[laughing]
Don't get me wrong,
I'm not going to change my lifestyle.
I'm still going
to be a fat little slut, but...
somebody cool comes around,
great, we'll give it a shot.
Until then, I'm going
to keep getting my titty sucked.
You can take a slutty lifestyle
too far though, I'll admit that.
I recently installed
a sex mirror in my home.
Um...
It was initially to open up the space,
I was reading some design blogs, but...
still, I hung up this giant mirror
in my bedroom and I was like,
"Hey, wait a second,
it'd be pretty cool
to watch yourself fuck in one of these."
And it turns out it sucks, actually.
I thought this'd be awesome,
because in my head
I thought I fucked cool, you know?
In my head, I thought I fucked like...
Regal, powerful, you know?
And then I watched myself
actually fuck in real-time,
and it looked a lot more
like a raccoon had tripped a floodlight.
I was just like... [grunts]
"Ah, no!"
"No! That's what I look like? No!"
Just sweaty, splotchy, hunched over,
tits hanging low, dude.
Like, a shape
I didn't know my tits could be.
Just with the most pathetic little strokes
you've ever seen in your life. Just...
[grunting rhythmically]
My face just like...
[smacking lips, grunting]
Like, that's what
women see when they fuck me?
They see that and they're like,
"Hell yeah, dude, nice."
It's crazy.
I don't, uh, I don't really have a type,
but I feel like
I'm a certain people's type.
A lot of bi girls are into me,
which, yeah, I love it, it's fun.
Um, there's no real pressure
to stay hard, you know?
It's like, "Well, looks like
we're just a couple of lesbians now."
[chuckling]
It's like...
"Looks like we're gonna be
finger-popping all night, baby girl."
If you do hook up with people
and you don't know them very well,
you should use a condom, of course.
Sometimes a condom breaks though,
and that's very scary.
Um...
Except at first.
Because at first you're like,
"Whoa, she just did
something really cool. What?"
"Did she just hit
the NOS button on her pussy?"
[imitates rocket booster] Whoa, dude.
Ah!
"I feel like Paul Walker right now, dude."
[laughs]
Anybody here doing anything fun?
Anybody here pegging, getting pegged,
- any of that?
- [scattered cheers]
Yeah, we got
some peggers in the crowd? Nice.
I've never been pegged.
I'm not against it.
I'm just saving it for marriage.
I just feel like the first person
who fucks my ass should be my wife.
Call me old-fashioned.
What can I say?
I was raised Greek Orthodox.
Greek Orthodox means
I'm also uncircumcised.
- [woman yelling]
- Yeah. Nice. We've got...
We've got a fan in the building. Thanks.
- Yeah.
- [indistinct yelling]
Nice. That's...
Okay, hang out. Stick around. Uh...
[laughing]
You know, some people, there's a stigma
not for some people. You know...
She's all for it.
I've never really
experienced any problems.
One girl wouldn't give me head
because I'm uncircumcised,
and that felt
like discrimination. You know?
That's no way to treat
a proud Mediterranean-American.
For the most part,
people are cool, you know?
For the most part, if I get any reaction,
what I get is interest and surprise.
Like, I get what happens if you give
a white trash person sushi, you know?
Like, uh...
[mumbling] "Oh! That's pretty good."
[laughing]
There was one time, though, where
my uncircumcised penis was a problem.
This was very early on
in my sexual career.
This was with my college girlfriend.
And it was my fault, I'll be honest.
I don't have a good uncircumcised penis.
I have a finicky penis. Uh...
Foreskin's a little too tight.
Think about trying to get
a fat toddler in a baby's turtleneck.
Like...
It won't go down all the way, you know?
My dick's always kind of hanging out
like this, "Like, what's up, dude?"
"What's going on, playboy?"
My dick's a lot like the neighbor
from Home Improvement, you know?
[chuckles]
So...
So, I'm with my college girlfriend,
she wanted to take things slow,
that was cool with me.
I didn't have sex in high school,
so I was like, "However long you need,
but eventually I get pussy.
Please. I need it."
Um... And things were going great.
We had a good relationship,
we really liked each other,
things were progressing nicely,
and eventually I had
amassed enough boyfriend tokens
to get jacked off.
Tried to trade them in,
I was like, "How about a blow job?"
She was like, "Hand job."
Like it was Chuck E. Cheese.
You're like, "Can I have that helicopter?"
"Vampire teeth! You know..."
"You know how many tickets you have, kid."
[chuckles]
Still, I was thrilled
to be getting a hand job, and...
So we're hooking up,
and it's not going great.
She hasn't seen a lot of dicks,
let alone a fucked up dick like mine.
And she doesn't have
the proper finesse approach it requires,
so any time I'm even close to coming,
she's just like yanks on it too hard,
and I'm just like... [yelps]
[laughs] You know?
And I don't have the self-esteem
at this point in my life to be like,
"Hey, um, this is one of the worst things
anyone's ever done to me."
"Can you please stop?"
So we're both just suffering
through this horrific hand job.
It's taking forever,
it's taking like 45 minutes, you know.
She switched arms a bunch of times.
I can see the fatigue in her eyes.
She's trying everything though,
to her credit. She's a real trooper.
At a certain point she just starts
jacking me off with her lower body,
where her hand is on my penis,
but all the locomotion is happening
with her legs.
You know?
She gives me like
a full body bounce at one point.
[moaning]
Finally, by some miracle,
I'm about to bust.
And I don't know
how your guy's dicks work,
but I have kind of
similar physics to a Super Soaker. So...
the more pumps, the more velocity,
and I've been getting pumped
or quite some time here.
So she's staring down
the barrel of my penis,
and I'm about to come,
and she can tell because I'm like,
"Yes, finally, finally,
yes, yes, please, please, please."
And, in that moment, she freaks out,
she maybe can sense
what's about to happen,
aims it away from her,
and I just get a rocket coming back at me.
And the first time
a woman ever made me come
it ended up in my own eye.
I'm just sitting there, I'm like,
"Uh, ha... Awesome."
"Exactly how I thought it would go."
I'm just sitting there watching
my little ass dick shrink in her hand.
And by the way,
I don't care that my dick is small, okay?
The bigger the dick, the closer to Hell,
as far as I'm concerned.
You and those danglers
dancing with the Devil.
Not me, baby.
I'm high and tight
near our dear Lord Jesus Christ.
[crowd cheering]
Thank you guys very much,
that's gonna do it for me.
[cheering continues]
So sick, guys. Thank you.
["Let Me Show Em" by Mighty Mark playing]
Love you, guys. We'll see you next time.
It's star time
This man is made
He's killing all y'all jive turkeys
It's star time
This man is made
He's killing all y'all jive turkeys
[song continues]
[laughing]