Stavros Halkias: Live at the Lodge Room (2022) Movie Script
1
[announcer] Coming to the
stage now, the people's champ,
the crown prince of Baltimore.
Please put your hands together
for Stavros Halkias!
Alright.
Hell yeah.
Alright, L.A.
How we doing, gang? Huh?
Fuck yes.
Oh. Thank you for coming out.
Fuck with your boy.
How do I look, huh?
Stop.
Stop. Come on, you know.
You know I had to
come out here looking like
a fucking sidequest boss on GTA.
I'll have you motherfuckers
selling pornography all
across San Andreas.
Yeah.
I'm happy to be out, man.
I really am.
It's nice to be out and about.
This is cool, being in a
packed show again, you know?
Sucked being indoors for,
like a whole year, you know?
Although,
I have to admit,
I had a pretty productive pandemic.
I'm not gonna lie.
I lost 50 pounds during the pandemic.
Ehh?
Thank you.
Yeah.
That was, that was during the
second half of the pandemic.
During the first half, I
gained 45 pounds. So...
I kind of took the scenic
route to losing five pounds.
Yeah, dude. I was fucked
as soon as it happened.
There was no chance.
There was no chance I wasn't
gonna get fat as hell.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, 'cause it was a
scary time, right?
We're all, you know, we're
cooped up, we're anxious,
we don't know what's gonna happen.
And I'm a very emotional eater,
you know?
Like I use food as drugs.
But I also use drugs as drugs.
You know what I mean?
Like you shouldn't be able
to eat a whole pizza on cocaine, but...
I'm five for five,
you know what I mean?
I power through every time.
Yeah. Remember the
first part of the pandemic
where it was all
Tiger King and online shopping?
Remember where it was like,
"I swear to God,
if this fucks up Cinco de Mayo,
I'm gonna be pissed."
Remember that?
I got fat as hell during that part.
And I was fucked up the whole time.
I was just taking edibles like
they were birth control, you know?
Like an alarm would
go off on my phone.
I'd be like, "Whoa!"
Time for 90 milligrams.
Jeez, I almost had
a thought today. That...
that was a close one.
I almost reflected today.
It didn't help that they made
you feel like a hero for
ordering takeout, by the way.
Remember that?
Every commercial's like,
"Support your local restaurants.
We need you right now."
It's like,
"Oh my God. Well,
if called upon,
I will serve."
Hello? Yes.
More lo mein. FAST. Hurry.
We have to combat the xenophobia
the Chinese are up against right now.
More dumplings.
I have to stop Asian hate.
I have to stop Asian hate by almost
stopping my own heart.
That's how it's gonna happen.
Yeah, I thought I was
gonna die for a year in a row.
'Cause I felt like shit.
I would check the symptoms
and I don't know
if you realized this,
but the symptoms are just being fat.
That's it.
That's what they
describe, dude, right?
Like every symptom's like,
have you ever had
shortness of breath?
Aches and pains? Or diarrhea?
It's like, every day
since I'm nine years old.
What do you mean?
I had COVID in third grade,
is that what you're saying?
Even loss of taste.
Yeah, I've burned my mouth
on a Hot Pocket before.
Yeah, everyone young
I'm 32.
I feel like me, everyone
me and under.
We're fucked.
You know, it's, millennials
and under, we're fucked, right?
We're the first generation
that's gonna do worse
than our parents statistically.
You know what I mean?
Which sucks.
But the worst part
is that our parents
think it was 'cause
they were so smart.
You know what I mean?
That, I can't stand that.
I'm tired of hearing it
from baby boomers. Right?
Like their lives were so easy.
You could just win a house
at a carnival back then.
You know what I mean?
Just some guy, like.
Oh. Nice.
A three-bedroom. Awesome.
Honey, we're moving again.
Yeah, have you ever tried to
get advice from them about a job?
They're like,
"Well, did you look him in the eye
and shake his hand?"
And it's like, Yeah. I did that.
Like, Huh?
Well, that's
how I became the vice
president of Circuit City.
So I'm
I'm out of ideas.
They all think we're children too.
These millenials spending
all their money on lollipops.
It's like, okay,
I need a CPAP machine, actually, but...
And these lollipops have
weed in them, by the way.
So, a little more expensive
than you might think.
Yeah. Sucks.
They ruined the world.
Global warming.
That's them, right?
Not for anything good either.
I think it was
mostly hairspray, right?
That's it.
Like every Bon Jovi concert
took a centimeter off the
polar ice caps, I'm pretty sure.
Like, "Oh, now I have to
fucking wash my yogurt cups."
Why? Why?
You wanted a Jheri curl
so I have to rinse out garbage now?
How is that fair?
They ruined drunk driving.
That was them, right?
Come on.
You know how fun
that would be right now?
Know what I'm saying?
Fucking,
get on one of those electric scooters
four "Truly's" deep.
That would be sick.
But no, somebody couldn't
handle their Quaaludes, so...
But the good news is shit is
only gonna continue to get worse.
So we're gonna be able
to do that to our kids.
Right?
I can't wait to flex on my children.
Right?
Just talking to my adult son
like, "Hey, buddy, come
on, you're 30 years old."
You can't be splitting a tent
with six people anymore.
Alright?
When I was your age,
I only had one roommate,
and I owned my Nintendo switch.
So, you got,
you got a lot
of growing up to do, pal.
Okay?
Go get a job selling your
plasma just like everybody else.
Oh, I need to be patient with you?
You tell me about patience
when you've jacked off
to a dial-up
internet connection, okay?
When you've accidentally
busted to a forehead
that was still loading,
then we can talk about patience.
When you have
printed out a picture of
WWE superstar Trish Stratus
on an inkjet printer
to jack-off to later.
Then we can talk about patience.
Now quiet down. The Boston
Dynamics robot might hear us.
Yeah. There's no, like,
part of the bit where I'm like,
"But you know what? If
we all stick together, we"
No, I think we're fucked.
Unless somebody, you know,
shmassassinates
Shmeffrey Shmezos.
I didn't say it.
Legally, I didn't say anything.
You can't get me legally.
Yeah, we're fucked.
Like that guy gets
to just go to the moon
and this guy will never
see a doctor in his life.
You know what I mean?
Yeah. But hey, whatever.
Just get as sucked-off as possible.
That's what I think. Yeah.
Focus on yourself, you know?
Have some goals.
Improve yourself.
Have a good time.
I got goals. I got stuff
I want to improve. Right?
I want to keep losing weight.
You know, that's one of my goals.
For a lot of reasons though, you know?
Number one, I'm
tired of being fetishized.
You know, that's...
Not sexually but platonically.
You know?
'Cause people look
at me and they think,
"Oh, there's a big fat party
animal. Right?"
But that's a lot of
pressure, you guys.
You know what my Hawaiian
shirt budget is?
It's crazy.
You think I only want
to do cannonballs? No.
I want to do other dives,
you guys.
But everybody expects a certain
thing from me, it hurts my feelings.
I had a real fat boy pet peeve
happen to me the other day.
I dropped a slice of pizza
on the ground
and enough people saw
me that I had to throw it away.
That Oof. That was tough.
Oh, boy.
Just gonna take this
to the trash.
Of course.
That's where I was going.
That's where I'd be going
if you weren't here.
That's for sure.
Definitely wouldn't be eating this
with 10% less enthusiasm.
Yeah. I had another moment
happen where it was, like,
really showed me
I need to get back
in the gym a little bit, you know?
Like I was taking
the steps on the subway
and I fell down the steps,
and none of the Black
teens around me made fun of me.
They were all just
concerned for my well-being.
Do you know how much that stings?
To be too fat for the
scorn of Black teens?
It's like, "No, come on, man,
don't call me sir."
Take your phone out.
Record me!
Make me feel alive.
They wouldn't do it, dude.
They were just good Samaritans,
it broke my heart.
Yeah. I don't know.
It's not just weight loss, though.
I got other shit I wanna work on.
I want to grow I'm 32.
I feel like I should grow
up a little bit, you know?
Like, I feel like this is the year.
No more floor pills, right?
No more finding loose
pharmaceuticals on the ground,
and trying to get fucked up off what
turns out to be heartburn medicine.
Like that's over for me.
I am trying to stay sober, though.
That's real.
I'm trying to stay sober.
It's been about four weeks,
you know?
Four weeks since
Alright. Thank you. Yeah.
It's alright, I'll be back.
Don't worry.
After this show, I'll be back.
If I'm being honest with you guys.
Yeah, I just had to cool
my jets for a sec.
It's hard, man. I
My problem with sobriety is
I keep doing drugs, you know?
'Cause drugs rock, right?
Here's how good drugs are. You know
what my favorite movie of all time is?
It's this nature documentary
about tropical fish that I watched
on mushrooms at my friend's place.
And the colors were so vibrant
and the story was so gripping.
Halfway through, I'm like,
"Dude, what is this?"
I got to look this up.
And he looks at me and goes,
"You are watching a
screensaver right now."
It's like, okay.
Well...
don't touch the mouse, please.
I'm rather invested
in this right now.
I'd like to see how this ends.
Thank you.
I'm trying to stay sober.
I'm trying to watch less porn,
trying to be off porn.
One of my friends,
he was off porn, too.
I was like, "Sick, dude,
what's your secret?"
Let's compare notes.
And he was like, "Oh, I've just been
having sex with a lot of women."
It's like,
"Okay, man, well that's not
being off porn, right?"
You can't be like, "No more video
games for me. No more Madden.
I'm just on the Dallas Cowboys now."
No more Call of Duty.
I bought a gun, so...
Take this for a spin.
Yeah. I keep trying to
improve year by year, you know.
I was real depressed a few years
ago when I first moved to New York.
Things were tough, you know?
And I was venting to a friend,
and they tried to cheer me up.
They're like, "Dude, you
shouldn't be depressed.
If child-you could see what
your life is like, he'd be thrilled."
It's like, really?
That's the metric we want to use?
That a child wants my life?
It's like, yeah, he does,
but for the wrong reasons, right?
He's like, Hey, what's life like?
Will there be ice cream?
There'll be ice cream every day.
Sometimes for breakfast.
For breakfast? Won't that taste
weird when you brush your teeth?
You're not
You're not doing that
that much anymore.
Oh, really?
Will there be sleepovers?
Will I see my friends?
You're gonna live
with four of your friends.
Every day's a sleepover
that you can't escape.
Oh, that rules.
I hope no girls come and ruin it.
I would not worry
about that one right now.
That last one is not gonna be
an issue, unfortunately.
No, that's an old joke.
I fuck, of course, but...
Things were tough.
I'm not going to lie to you.
Yeah. When I first moved to New
York, I didn't have my own room.
I had the corner
of a large living room,
and I'm glad I'm out of there.
But there is something
I miss about that.
There's a certain level
of camaraderie
that comes with that kind of poverty.
You know? Like,
I miss clowning your boy
when you heard him bust too fast.
You know what I mean?
Because there was five
of us in a three-bedroom.
Everybody knew the exact tempo
everybody else fucked at
in that apartment.
There was nothing funnier
than hearing
that IKEA bed frame stop squeaking
just a little too fast.
You know? Letting out
an audible laugh
that cut through
your paper-thin walls.
Pretty soon, everybody's
joining in. Ha ha ha ha.
It was nice.
Yeah.
I'm doing better now, though.
You know?
Things are pretty good.
I grew up pretty poor.
I was poor until pretty recently.
And I'm not poor anymore.
But I'm not rich either.
What I am is the richest
a poor person could ever
imagine becoming.
You know what I mean?
Like, I'm "get appetizers
every time" rich, you know?
Like, it's not just for
birthdays anymore.
I'm "dipping sauce rich." A lot,
a lot of my money is tied
up in ranch right now.
I'm "big ass TV,
no health insurance rich," right?
I got Xbox and PlayStation,
but no Blue Cross/Blue Shield.
That's...
Yeah, I don't know.
I did do one smart thing.
I did do one kind of like
investment thing.
I bought a house.
That's something, right, guys?
Thank you.
It's in the shitty
neighborhood I grew up in.
I grew up in southeast
Baltimore. Greektown.
I grew up in season two
of The Wire to tell you, basically.
Pretty easy to get a house there.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
To give you an idea,
when we moved
in, one of our neighbors
warned us that the other
neighbor was gay. So...
You get a little idea
of what the property
values are like
over there. Right?
And the way he did it was
hilarious, too, 'cause he was like,
"Listen. Good guy and
everything, but watch out."
For what?
What am I watching out for?
What is this man?
Some kind of gay raccoon?
You know what I mean?
Like, "Hey, buddy.
You're gonna want to lock
your dicks up overnight, okay?"
Cover 'em, chain 'em up,
bring 'em indoors.
This man's got a real nose
for a penis. Alright?
He will get to a
cock, I promise you that.
Got me a couple times.
Stay safe out there.
Yeah, we got the best
white trash in Baltimore, dude.
Extra strength white trash.
They got their own little dialect.
You know?
If you were talking to a guy
that I grew up around,
here's how the conversation would go.
It would be the dumbest
thing you've ever heard,
sounding horrible,
but with the most confidence, right?
It's always some guy that's like,
"Yo. You know what I don't
understand about traffic?
Why don't the guy at the front
just go."
"Just fucking go."
That "oh" is brutal.
It's the trademark.
It's like a domestic abuse
air raid siren.
Ooooooh.
Yo, I heard if you don't pay
child support for both your kids,
that's double jeopardy.
They can't get you on that one.
You got to know your rights, brother.
You got to know your rights.
One of my friends overheard
a guy in a 7-Eleven go,
"Damn it, Mikey spent all my
sweatpants money on Doritos."
What the fuck does that mean?
What could it possibly mean?
Is the money in sweatpants?
Is it for sweatpants?
If it's for sweatpants,
why does your clothing cost
as much as snacks?
That's my community, baby.
Yeah, that's
It's a funny neighborhood, you know?
It's a bunch of those guys
and then a bunch of, like,
recent immigrants
from South and Central America.
And then a bunch of Greek
people that are mad that
immigrants are stealing
their neighborhood.
It's a bunch of old Greek
guys that are like,
"You know, they don't even,
they don't even
speak English." It's like, okay.
"Okay, man, you don't speak
English." What...
What's the issue?
Yeah.
It was a fun little immigrant
upbringing over there.
Any immigrants here?
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Nice. Where you from?
- Mexico.
- Mexico. Nice. Classic.
Does that count here?
Like this is Mexico,
right? Like...
It should be Mexico, but...
Do you like your parents?
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Both of them?
- Both of them.
- Both?
You don't like
one more than the other?
- The mom more than the dad.
- The mom more than dad.
When's the last time
you and your dad hugged?
Uhhh.
We got him.
Nah, it's all good, dude.
For me, me and my dad,
it was the last time Greece got to
the quarterfinals of the World Cup.
That was
Yeah.
Yeah. I don't know
if you guys know this.
I don't know if this is
your experience,
but immigrants, one of their favorite
parenting techniques is child abuse.
I don't know if you guys knew that.
Like, my dad didn't hit us that much,
but his go-to move was
this, was just like,
Unh, fucker!
"Do your fucking homework!"
And to this day, he'll be like,
"Well, come on, I never hit you."
And it's like, "Yeah, but you
always could have, you know?
Never really felt
off the table, Pops."
I had a lot of friends
from similar backgrounds.
You know, I think
you kind of attract that.
And, you know, one of my buddies,
we, we became really close
later in life,
and he's still one
of my best friends today.
But when we were first friends,
he was like opening up
to me, you know?
He was confiding in me
and he was like,
"Yeah, dude. My dad
used to just get fucked up
off wine coolers and beat
the shit out of me." And...
I knew it shouldn't
have tripped me up,
but I was like, I'm sorry, dawg.
You said wine coolers?
Yeah.
I just knew when I came home
and I saw that daiquiri
mix in the freezer
I was in for a long night
of being whipped with
maraschino cherry stems.
I didn't get a lot of lessons from my dad.
I'll be honest.
I didn't, you know, he
didn't teach me a lot of stuff.
I didn't get a sex talk even.
You know? The closest
I got to a sex talk
was one time, we were in Greece,
and he was watching pornography
just in the living room.
Not, not in his chambers.
Right?
And it's a James Bond-themed porno.
And when James Bond starts
getting sucked off, my dad looks at me.
He's like, "Ehh?
Fuckin' ehh."
And that was my sex talk.
Just...
watching a British man
get head with my father.
Yeah, I'll give him
some credit, though.
He was a really good dad
when I was a little kid, you know?
And then I think
when I was like 10 or 11,
he had a heart attack
and he had one of those, like,
near-death experience,
moments of clarity.
He was like, "Oh my God,
what have I been doing
with my time on Earth?"
I have to start cheating on my wife.
I can't.
I can't be a present father.
I have to buy a leather jacket
from Costco and get pussy.
Yeah, he cheated on my mom,
and I don't know how.
Right? Like, if you're
some sexy rich guy, I get it.
I don't condone it,
but I see what happened.
What happened with my dad?
Did some woman look at him and go,
"Oh, my God.
When I saw that hunched-over
Greek contractor
take a piece of loose salami
out of his pocket
and eat it while laughing
at a man in a wheelchair,
I knew
I had to have him.
The way his shoulder
hair waved in the wind."
Yeah.
I don't know.
I've been going to therapy, though.
You know? Any therapy
heads in the building? Nice.
What's your biggest
trauma? I'm kidding. No.
Just a little light crowdwork, huh?
No, I've been going
to therapy a bunch,
and now I have empathy
for my dumbass dad, you know?
That sucks, you know?
Seeing it from his side, you know?
'Cause, look, was he the
best dad in the world? No.
But did he do his best?
Also no. But,
you know, whatever,
he gave it a hot 65%.
He did
I'll give him credit again.
He gave me a better
childhood than he had, right?
That's really all
you can ask on some level.
Like his family was all fucked up.
Like, here's how my dad's parents met.
Right?
This is Greece in the forties, right?
It's still arranged marriages.
And no one in my grandfather's
village wants to marry him.
Right? Nobody.
Doesn't matter how many goats
they throw in the trade.
No one's biting, right?
No one in mainland
Greece will marry him,
which is actually kind
of impressive, right?
Like, there's no Internet.
This is word of mouth
spreading about what
a piece of shit he is, right?
Basically, what they end up doing
is they catfish a family
on an island eight hours away.
Right? There's no way for
them to meet before the wedding.
They do the deal through letters.
Finally, it's set.
Everything's good to go.
They take this eight-hour
boat ride out
to this woman's island.
And the second
my grandfather steps off the boat,
the woman he's supposed to marry
looks at him and goes, "No,
absolutely not.
I'm not,
I'm not marrying this guy."
And then her dad goes, "Oh,
geez, well,
you came all this way.
Why don't you marry
my other daughter?"
And those are my grandparents.
That's them.
Wild, right?
Ever had like a bad
Craigslist roommate?
And you're like, "Oh, once this
lease is up, I am out of here."
Imagine if that lease
was your whole life
and that roommate
creampied you because that...
that was my grandma's life.
And, yeah.
You'd think something like
that would make somebody a bitch.
And you would be correct
in this instance, actually.
I feel bad and everything,
but really a tough hang.
I'll be honest with you guys.
I went to visit her
actually on her deathbed,
and she had pretty bad dementia
by the time I got to see her.
And I'm trying
to communicate with her.
And she just looks at me
and she goes,
"Who are you?"
You got fatter.
It's like, okay, pick one.
Okay?
Either you don't know who I
am or you don't know I got fatter.
That's how that works.
But I got to hand it to her.
You know, she snuck one in
right at the buzzer.
Three, two, one.
You're fat.
[buzzer sound]
One of the best to ever do it, folks.
Hang her moomoo up in the rafters.
I like my family though.
They are pretty funny.
My mom's mom is funny too.
My grandma on the other side.
She's great.
She's very accepting,
but very ignorant at the same time.
Which is a really funny combo.
Like over the holidays,
a couple of years ago,
we watched this old Greek movie,
and one of the characters,
it's revealed, thinks Jews
drink blood, you know?
And it's like an old movie.
He's the village idiot.
It's obviously a joke.
Everyone's making fun of him.
Everybody's laughing.
I look at my family, they're laughing.
I look at my grandma.
She's like, confused.
I'm like, "Oh, Grandma,
isn't this hilarious?
This guy thinks Jews drink blood."
And she's like, "Well, yeah, but...
They do, right?"
But the way she said it was,
"And you shouldn't judge
other people's cultures, Stavros."
What?
You think Jews
are vampires?
But we should let it slide
for diversity reasons?
Incredible perspective, .
She's great.
But I will say, the more time
I spend around Greek people,
the more time
I think it's crazy
the kinds of immigrants
we're banning in this country.
You know, like
it should be us, right?
Like, we got enough Europeans, right?
Like a racist
might be like, "Oh, well,
we can't have refugees
from the Middle East.
What if they commit sex crimes?"
It's like, okay, well,
have you ever met
an Italian man?
Have you ever tried to purchase
pizza in this country one time?
Hey, bella, how old you are?
That guy's getting waved
through customs. Why?
Oh, fuck.
You know how Inuit people
have, like, 30 words
for "snow" in their language?
Italian is similar in that they don't
have a single word
for "consent" in theirs.
No, I shouldn't shit on Italians.
I'm Greek.
We're basically Italians
that peaked in high school, right?
We've been coasting on
democracy for quite some time now.
It is a gorgeous place, though.
I do love visiting
over there. It fucking rocks.
I remember I took a visit
there a couple of years ago
with my girlfriend at the time.
And when you take
an international trip
like that with somebody, you
learn a lot about each other.
We're gone for 10 days,
just me and her.
And what we learned
is that we did not want
to be together anymore.
That was the big takeaway for us.
Kind of tough,
I'll be honest with you,
to break up on vacation, you know?
That's not how you see your Chase
Sapphire Rewards going, you know?
You ever paid $3,000 to be
the saddest you've ever been?
It was my fault, though. I took
a rich girl on vacation. Right?
Rich people don't give
a fuck about vacations.
Poor people, could you
imagine breaking up on vacation?
The only good week of your life?
You're not.
You're not doing that.
But don't get me wrong.
She wasn't like evil rich, right?
She's not space-for-fun rich.
But I'll put it this way.
When the shampoo ran out in her home,
they just threw the bottle away.
Right? There was,
there was no filling it
with water and
living off bubbles
for a week, you know?
She never had shitty-bubbles hair.
Right?
There were no omelets for
dinner, you know? Like,
"Whoa, hot dogs again?
Mom's the coolest!"
No buddy.
Mom is not that cool.
These are struggle dogs right here.
We got to make these
last till dad's disability
check comes in.
Yeah, I don't know if you know this,
but making a pack
of Hebrew Nationals last eight days,
that's actually white trash Hannukuh.
Thanks.
You know, it was a good relationship
while it lasted. I'm not bitter.
You know, things end.
And we had a good time.
We had a good sex life.
You know, we were
really into roleplaying.
Anybody here roleplay?
Nice. What do we do?
Huh?
Say it again.
- Um, like schoolgirl.
- Schoolgirl. Classic.
Very nice. Yeah,
that's good.
Is this like teacher/schoolgirl
or just like schoolgirl?
Schoolgirl/schoolgirl.
Schoolgirl/schoolgirl?
Now we're talking.
Wow. A twist on an old classic.
The Bud Light Lime of roleplaying.
Nice. Hell yeah.
I really like roleplaying
because I always pick
a guy that comes really fast.
That's my, that's my character,
is a guy that busts quick
and then plays NBA2K
for like a half hour.
I really commit to that one.
I'm sort of a method actor
when it comes to that one.
Yeah. I could tell, though, in
hindsight that that relationship
was kind of losing some steam.
You know?
I think you can tell in the way
you initiate sex
when the passion starts to go.
You know, like when we first started
dating, we'd go on these long dates,
we'd talk for hours, there'd
be a spark, we'd kiss.
I'd be like, "Wow, this
is really gonna happen."
The way I knew we were
gonna have sex at the end
of the relationship is,
if I went to the bathroom
and she was like,
"Wash your hands with soap this time!"
Like, hell yeah, dude. Nice.
Why's she want 'em clean, huh?
She's not trying
to get crumbs in there.
That's why.
I'm about to have sex.
It was good, though. I did, you know
I learned a lot about myself
being in a long-term
relationship, you know?
Like I learned I'm,
I'm more traditional in
some ways than I realize,
even though I consider
myself a feminist overall.
You know?
Like, do I want my girlfriend
to shave her legs? Yes.
But I will allow her to
support me financially. So...
I'm sort of a modern
guy in that sense.
Thank you. Yeah.
Mm-hmm. Please.
I'm just doing my part.
Nah, I'm a feminist, though.
You know, that part's real.
And I think my,
my favorite part of feminism
is the concept of mansplaining,
you know,
because basically
that means men aren't
allowed to explain anything anymore,
which means I could just
be dumb as hell.
Right?
Like, if one of my friends,
if she's like,
"Hey, what'd you think of this book?"
I'd be like, "Hm, nice try."
"I see what you're up to, but
I'm not reading anymore.
I'm a feminist. Thank you very much."
Yeah, but anyway, that relationship's over.
It's been over for a while.
I've just been out there.
Just a fat little slut. Just fucking
Thank you.
Just toss this little weiner around
town, you know what I mean?
Just throwing this
five-and-three-quarters
everywhere, you know?
Six on its tippy toes.
Don't worry.
Was this summer as slutty as
you guys thought it was gonna be?
No, right?
It wasn't that good, right?
Pissed me off. I was fucking ready, dude.
Everyone was building it up.
Everyone was like, We've been
locked up for a year.
People are going crazy.
They're gonna be sucking
and fucking in the streets, you know?
That was not my experience,
I have to be honest.
I think what happened
is everyone was very excited.
Everybody was like,
went out one time,
got crazy, fucked,
and then looked around,
and was like,
"This shit's still pretty bad
out here, actually."
The president just has a different
kind of dementia now.
No one's really fixed anything,
but there's less funny tweets now.
Yeah.
I was pissed, dude. I was ready
for this horny summer. Right?
I grew my hair out for this
shit, you know what I mean?
I was bald when the pandemic started.
I was like, fuck it, dude,
let's see what happens.
I'm trying to get my shit tugged
on, you know what I mean?
But it didn't happen,
dude. I had big plans.
I was going to get pegged
by somebody's
wife on a hammock, you know?
Some big naturals
on my shoulders. But...
The best laid
plans of mice and men.
You know what I mean?
I was having this conversation
with my gay friends, right?
I was talking about the summer
and I was complaining
and they're like,
"What do you mean?
You don't have sex?
We're having sex all the time."
That's not fair, you guys.
A gay guy making fun of a straight
guy for not having enough sex,
is like a Harlem Globetrotter
making fun of an NBA player
for not scoring
enough points, you know?
It's like, "Come on, man.
No one plays defense
in your league, right?"
A lot of,
lot of showmanship.
Yeah, a lot of confetti.
But not a lot of fundamentals,
is all I'm saying.
Yeah, I don't know, though.
I'm 32.
You know, maybe it's time
I started doing some gay
shit, you know?
Looks like fun, you know?
Like no one's ever come in
my mouth, but I love an
overeasy egg.
How different could it really be?
Be honest with yourselves right now.
It's probably pretty close.
Throw a little Tabasco
on the guy's cock,
you know what I mean?
Take me to brunch, big dog.
There's some pissed off
dudes in the crowd right now.
Hard scrambled from now on!
I will not have gay eggs!
Nah, I don't know. Maybe
that's a little far for me too, is uh,
sucking a man off with
hot sauce in my mouth. But...
I want to expand the sexual
repertoire a little bit.
You know, I want some new moves.
I've been doing some different stuff.
I've been doing the
pineapple thing, you know?
Supposed to make it taste better,
but everybody hates it no matter
how much pineapple
I put in my foreskin.
And I don't What?
Just chunk after chunk.
What am I doing wrong?
That might be the
stupidest thing I say tonight.
Here's my real move, though,
you know, here. Here it is.
'Cause I was always jealous
when you're hooking up with a girl,
and then she puts her hair up,
like, suggestively, and it's like,
"Uh oh. You know what's
coming next." You know?
That's why what I've been doing is
when I'm hooking up with a girl
and I'm about to go down on her,
I take out a huge bib.
Num num num num num num num.
That's my move.
I better not hear about anybody in
L.A. doing the bib.
Okay?
That's mine.
And you definitely cannot say "my
compliments to the chef" afterwards.
That ties it all together.
But I've been out there.
I've been dating a little bit.
You know?
I was dating mostly
younger women, not on purpose.
Just 'cause no one my age
wants to be with me,
you know?
Like I'm 32.
Girls my age want, like, stability,
you know, they want,
like, a real job.
Health insurance.
I could get you mushrooms
pretty easily, you know?
Like, that's a style of
30-year-old I am.
I don't know what an IRA is,
but I have acid on me right now.
Sometimes people are condescending
if you date somebody younger.
They'll be like, "Oh,
I'm sure the conversation
was very intellectually stimulating."
And you know what?
I'm very stupid.
So, yeah, it was.
I'm learning a lot from these girls,
a lot about astrology,
I'll tell you that much.
They love the stuff.
Everyone's pretty freaky
now too, I realize.
Everyone I feel like has
to bust in a strange way, you know?
Like a girl I was with
recently wanted to be tied up
and then also pretend
she was sleeping.
And it's like, "I could just
go, you know what I mean?"
Like, if that's what it's going to
take to fuck me, I'll head home.
No hard feelings.
I don't want to sound like a prude.
Right? I'm not trying to
kink shame up here.
Tying up's fun.
Even the sleeping,
I guess I don't have a problem with.
My issue with that situation
is that she has no use of her hands
and I've never successfully had sex
without the guiding vagina hand move.
You know that move?
Where the girl's like an electrician
trying to connect two wires.
You know, just like a real
I 98% know where a pussy is, but
that last 2% I really need help with.
Yeah.
I'm not that good at rough sex.
I think it's 'cause
I love my mom too much.
She called me recently
and she was like,
"Hey, how's your love life going?"
It's like, "Not great, because of all
the support you showed me as a child."
Would it have killed you to miss a
football practice every once in a while?
I have no resentment towards women.
I can barely choke this girl, mom.
You're embarrassing me right now.
No, I'll choke you, though.
Don't worry, I will.
No problem.
It's not my favorite, but it's fine.
Some people, though,
they love it, right?
Some people, that's
how they have morning sex.
That is crazy to me, right?
There's birds chirping outside.
You're smelling pancakes
from next door.
You're just like
Come on, man.
There's a fresh morning dew outside.
Children are going
to school right now.
Let "The Price Is Right"
come on first.
Show some decorum.
Even dirty talk, you know?
I feel like you're doing me a
really nice favor having sex with me.
I don't want to say a bunch
of rude things to you, right?
That's not how you treat
a bud doing a favor, right?
Your friend helps you move.
You're not like, "Yeah,
get that ottoman, you little slut."
Just putting my fingers
in my friend Jeff's mouth.
Pick up the credenza, Jeffy.
[spit sound]
You little mover.
Here's another move somebody
asked me to pull, was one of these,
was just a choke-finger combo.
You know, just like a real
Is that is that still sex, you guys?
I got to be honest,
it didn't feel like sex.
It felt like gynecology
in the 1400s, you know?
Like I felt like I was punishing
a witch more than anything.
It felt like we caught her
learning how to read.
For the crime
of female literacy.
Little Pilgrim hat.
If she's squirts, she's a witch.
Yeah.
I've been out there,
you know?
I've been on some
sexual voyages, you know?
You know, I've had to fuck my way
out of a couple jams.
Had a couple threesomes.
Didn't all go my way, I'll
be honest with you guys.
Anybody here? A threesome?
Yeah?
How'd it go?
Uh, it went pretty well, I guess.
Pretty well, you guess?
Alright. Nice.
Who were these people?
I got hit up on Tinder
like four in the morning.
You got hit up on Tinder.
By a woman's account? A man's account?
Yeah, a woman surprisingly enough.
A woman at 4 a.m.
Alright, nice.
Just out of the blue, they're like,
"This is the guy
I need."
- Huh?
- I said she said,
- "Do you want to have a threesome?"
- Wow.
- I did not think it was real.
- Sure. Of course. You're like, yeah.
You're just like,
alright, just check
Make sure my kidney is
here the next morning.
It's like a 30-minute Uber ride.
I was like, this might be it.
That is You weren't
getting too much pussy
before, I'm guessing, right?
They caught you in a drought.
They caught you in a big dry spell.
You're like, I could die.
It's 4 a.m. I have to work
in the morning.
It's $75 right now. But...
by gum, I might
just get double sucked, so...
And who are these women?
What are they looking like when you get in?
Do the pictures look similar?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
It was all pretty cut and dry.
All pretty cut and dry.
Like you're fucking hanging,
like you're doing
shingles on their roof.
They're like, "Yeah.
Wasn't too much water damage.
Everything was looking pretty good."
Get in and out job.
Alright.
So how quickly
until you're in
the house, is your penis
breathing fresh air, would you say?
Like an hour and a half.
Hour and a half? So you
warmed up a little bit. That's nice.
Except they wanted to make sure
I wasn't gonna kill them.
- I was like, I'm the one that took
- Right. Yeah.
- an Uber ride 30 minutes away.
- Sure, sure, sure.
Wow, it's a Mexican standoff.
Okay.
And then after they've
vetted you for 90 minutes,
they're like, "This is good.
We can fuck this guy."
Okay. And then, is it good?
Did everybody bust?
- Just not me.
- Just not you? What?
Get the fuck out of here.
The rare "the guy doesn't come
in a two girls, one guy?"
They gave me a fuckload of Adderall.
They gave you Adderall?
What the fuck is going on?
Wow. Respect
to these girls.
Did they give you
dick pills and Adderall?
That's a fucking
dangerous combination.
And you don't bust and you're
just fucking, you're driving
You're taking a fucking
40-minute Uber home.
You're like
Dick on titanium, just
That was pretty cool.
And you know what?
That's a fond memory for you, isn't it?
You're gonna be on
your deathbed just like smiling.
Your grandchild is gonna be like,
"What is it, Papa?"
And you're gonna be thinking
about not busting to two,
I'm gonna guess
Maryland five and a halfs.
There's no way
There's no way these were
hot women, right?
Everything we know we can kind of
through echolocation
understand they were ugly.
And you're going to be thinking
about not coming with these women.
And then you're gonna
look at him and be like,
How much I love grandma.
That's
Nice, how about a nice hand
for our friend over here, huh?
Anybody else?
Any other threesomes?
This seems like a pretty
Over here.
Raising your glass?
Is that the
"I-had-a-threesome" salute?
How'd it go?
- Not too well.
- Not too well? Yeah.
By the way, shouts out
a fellow man of size,
getting his dick sucked by two women.
Who were these
What was the situation for you?
- They looked like you.
- They looked like me. Alright.
I don't know why the fuck I have
to be disparaged in this.
And you're the one who fucked them.
I look like me.
You fucked two people
that looked like me.
How am I? How am I
getting dragged into this?
You couldn't have said
they looked like you?
You know what I'm saying?
Listen, we're not too far off, pal.
There's a lot of different ways
you could have phrased that
that doesn't throw me under the bus.
Okay, so you were having
a threesome in your weight class.
This sounds like this was
more of a wrestling match
than a sexual encounter.
Where did you meet these people?
- Vegas.
- Vegas. Nice.
Okay, so just three
people down on their luck,
just deciding to try
to have a plus-sized threeway. Yeah.
That's good. That's
good for the community.
I like that.
How many people came for you?
- Only me.
- Only
Oh there we go.
We've got the ying and yang of bad
threesomes over here.
I love it.
Yeah. Mine was
Mine was closer to yours than his.
But I'll tell my story now.
My threesome did not go good either.
It was a surprise, first of all.
I didn't think it was gonna happen.
And also, the day of my threesome,
it started with
a $40 Chinese food order.
That was breakfast for me.
You know what I mean?
Just me, by the way.
That's $40, me.
And it was one of those
things where I was waiting.
It was like, 10:59, 11.
Hello? Yes, I'd like to
It's like ordering Chinese food,
like I'm waiting for Star Wars,
you know?
And so $40 Chinese food breakfast.
There's a real ceiling to your day
when that's how it starts, right?
And I was also coming off
the heels of a
tender bender,
which is when you have
chicken tenders
every day for two weeks in a row.
Right?
So I'm not where you need
to be, nutritionally
speaking, for a threesome, right?
So I'm actually scrolling on Tinder
and she's gonna come
to my show that night,
but she's bringing a friend.
So in my mind, I'm like,
okay, she's coming to a public place.
She's bringing a friend,
she wants to check out the vibes.
And if you know,
if the vibes are right,
maybe we go on a date next week,
just me and her.
Maybe we fuck next week, right?
But there's no sexual pressure
on this situation.
I just have to be a cute,
charming little guy, and
I think we all know how
that's gonna go.
Right?
So we get there and it's a fun time.
You know, the conversation
is going really well.
Her friend's
cool. She's cool.
And but, you know, like I said,
I don't think I'm gonna fuck
so I'm gonna keep eating, right?
'Cause it's one or the other, folks.
I got a real problem.
And so we're chatting and I'm
just fucking eating like an asshole.
I'm eating the way like a cartoon
villain eats, you know what I mean?
I'm just like, they're talking
just like sliders, like
You know? Just like a fish.
The bones come out,
like that situation.
And it's going good,
but I'm getting sleepy
'cause I've had a lot
of carbs, right?
And I'm about to talk to the girl
I match with and be like,
"Hey, this was fun,
let's hang out some other time."
But before I can make that pitch,
I look over at them and
they're being really weird.
They're like texting each other.
And I'm like, "Hey, girls,
what's going on?"
And they're like, "Oh, nothing.
We were thinking like,
maybe we should
all go back to my place and fuck."
And I was like, "Yeah. Yes."
Ha ha ha. Duh.
That's what
I was also thinking.
That's what I am
prepared for right now.
But what am I gonna do?
What, I'm gonna be like,
"My tummy hurts."
I can't get pussy.
I had too many treats
to get pussy tonight.
I can't do that.
Right?
So I'm like, fuck it, I'm gonna
thug this out. We'll be fine.
So we're driving back
to their place, right?
And the whole time
I'm doing this thing,
I don't know fellas
if you've ever done this,
where you try and make
your dick hard with your mind.
Have you ever done that?
Just do a little check-in,
I'm just in there like,
Nothing. No movement whatsoever. Right?
But I'm like, no big deal.
I'm gonna get in this room.
It's gonna be me and four titties.
I'm gonna
be good to go. Right?
And at first, I'm right.
At first it rocks.
I'm in there.
Just me and four titties.
I don't know if you've ever seen
Have you seen one of those videos
where they give a baby
hearing aids for the first time?
You ever...
You ever see one of those?
I'm just in there like
I'm having the time
of my life, brother.
It's going awesome.
But then, very quickly,
the Chinese food
comes back to haunt me, right?
I just, I'm hitting them
with dumpling dick, you know?
Just think of a couple soup dumplings
stacked on top of each other,
you know? Very wobbly.
Like, optically, I'm hard,
but there was no
structural integrity
to my penis whatsoever.
Yeah, it's tough.
I'm doing this move a lot.
I'm doing the okay sign.
Have you ever done that?
Where it's like, "Yeah, no, it's hard."
Uh huh, yeah.
No, it's hard.
It's actually definitely hard.
Can you check?
Can you check again?
My dick is hard for sure.
Like my credit
card is getting declined.
I'm like, "Yeah, I called my bank.
They said my dick was hard.
So can you check?"
I'm blowing it, dude.
I'm stalling for so
I'm eating pussy for so long.
You could have just
watched all of Rush Hour 2
the amount of time I'm eating pussy.
One of them just falls asleep
in the middle of it, you know?
You know you're not
laying it down when you lose
a participant mid-threesome, right?
Yeah. I'm like,
this is brutal.
This is horrific.
We got to end this.
So I guess what I'm gonna have to do
is jack off and leave.
And that's what I did.
And in hindsight, it's crazy
that was my plan, right?
Why the fuck did I do that?
Like, "Oh, hey, girls,
I've just been sexually
disappointing you
for two hours in a row.
I'm gonna make
a small mess in your home
and get out of here.
If that's alright with you."
And it was an angry one, too.
It was one of those
get the poison outs.
You know? It was like a real,
"Aaaaah.
I want to be free!"
So I do that and I'm just standing
in this fucking hallway
dealing with a devastating bout
of post-nut clarity. And I'm like,
"Wow, this is it.
This is a tough L."
This is the worst
one of my life, probably.
But you know what? That's okay,
because we can rebuild from this, right?
It's only up from here.
This is rock bottom.
So I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna fucking
rebuild my life like the,
like the Phoenix,
I'll rise from these sexual ashes.
Right?
And that's what I do.
Eight months go by,
my shit's going great.
My life's going better
and better and better.
Things are going really good.
And then out of the blue,
I get a text from these girls
and they're like, "Hey,
want to fuck again?"
And I'm like, "This is a prank."
Right? Like,
I'm gonna get to their apartment.
It's just gonna be
all my enemies, you know?
Ha ha ha dude,
we knew you couldn't fuck.
Ha ha ha.
But that wasn't, it was really them.
They wanted to hook up again.
And I wasn't gonna ask
too many questions, right?
They had a whole little plan.
You know, they had
the day off from work.
They were gonna go to the museum
and then come over to my place after,
which is a very European
afternoon, you know?
Like look at paintings and fuck
a fat guy with a little mustache.
That's,
that's Parisian,
you know what I mean?
And I had a plan too. I
wasn't going out the same way.
This is redemption,
you know what I mean?
I'm fucking hitting the elliptical.
I'm fucking drinking green juices.
I'm drinking kombuchas.
I buy $80 worth of illegal
Indian Viagra
off the Internet.
Just from a guy that
worked at a research lab.
He was like, "Yeah, just
Venmo me and put 'lunch.'"
Just comes in an unmarked vial.
I'm just like,
I take so much of it
and my dick it worked.
My dick got hard as shit.
But the rest of my body
was failing, you know?
Like, I was just fucking and
my joints were locking up.
I'm just in there
cold sweat, you know?
Like the eyesight of
my left eye is flickering
like a light bulb in a haunted house.
And I'm like, "This is it.
This is how I deserve to die."
Is overdosing on dick pills.
And if that's how I went,
I wouldn't even want
an open casket, you know?
I would want a gloryhole
casket, you know?
Just everyone coming,
paying their last
respects, you know?
He was such a good boy.
Yeah.
And so obviously
the threesome wasn't good,
but there was one good
part in the beginning,
and that's when I was
I was eating pussy while
getting my dick sucked.
And it felt like I was
sucking my own dick
through a portal and that,
that was the best
moment of my life, I gotta be honest.
Guys, thank you so much.
That's it. We did it.
Hell yeah.
Thank you.
[announcer] Coming to the
stage now, the people's champ,
the crown prince of Baltimore.
Please put your hands together
for Stavros Halkias!
Alright.
Hell yeah.
Alright, L.A.
How we doing, gang? Huh?
Fuck yes.
Oh. Thank you for coming out.
Fuck with your boy.
How do I look, huh?
Stop.
Stop. Come on, you know.
You know I had to
come out here looking like
a fucking sidequest boss on GTA.
I'll have you motherfuckers
selling pornography all
across San Andreas.
Yeah.
I'm happy to be out, man.
I really am.
It's nice to be out and about.
This is cool, being in a
packed show again, you know?
Sucked being indoors for,
like a whole year, you know?
Although,
I have to admit,
I had a pretty productive pandemic.
I'm not gonna lie.
I lost 50 pounds during the pandemic.
Ehh?
Thank you.
Yeah.
That was, that was during the
second half of the pandemic.
During the first half, I
gained 45 pounds. So...
I kind of took the scenic
route to losing five pounds.
Yeah, dude. I was fucked
as soon as it happened.
There was no chance.
There was no chance I wasn't
gonna get fat as hell.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, 'cause it was a
scary time, right?
We're all, you know, we're
cooped up, we're anxious,
we don't know what's gonna happen.
And I'm a very emotional eater,
you know?
Like I use food as drugs.
But I also use drugs as drugs.
You know what I mean?
Like you shouldn't be able
to eat a whole pizza on cocaine, but...
I'm five for five,
you know what I mean?
I power through every time.
Yeah. Remember the
first part of the pandemic
where it was all
Tiger King and online shopping?
Remember where it was like,
"I swear to God,
if this fucks up Cinco de Mayo,
I'm gonna be pissed."
Remember that?
I got fat as hell during that part.
And I was fucked up the whole time.
I was just taking edibles like
they were birth control, you know?
Like an alarm would
go off on my phone.
I'd be like, "Whoa!"
Time for 90 milligrams.
Jeez, I almost had
a thought today. That...
that was a close one.
I almost reflected today.
It didn't help that they made
you feel like a hero for
ordering takeout, by the way.
Remember that?
Every commercial's like,
"Support your local restaurants.
We need you right now."
It's like,
"Oh my God. Well,
if called upon,
I will serve."
Hello? Yes.
More lo mein. FAST. Hurry.
We have to combat the xenophobia
the Chinese are up against right now.
More dumplings.
I have to stop Asian hate.
I have to stop Asian hate by almost
stopping my own heart.
That's how it's gonna happen.
Yeah, I thought I was
gonna die for a year in a row.
'Cause I felt like shit.
I would check the symptoms
and I don't know
if you realized this,
but the symptoms are just being fat.
That's it.
That's what they
describe, dude, right?
Like every symptom's like,
have you ever had
shortness of breath?
Aches and pains? Or diarrhea?
It's like, every day
since I'm nine years old.
What do you mean?
I had COVID in third grade,
is that what you're saying?
Even loss of taste.
Yeah, I've burned my mouth
on a Hot Pocket before.
Yeah, everyone young
I'm 32.
I feel like me, everyone
me and under.
We're fucked.
You know, it's, millennials
and under, we're fucked, right?
We're the first generation
that's gonna do worse
than our parents statistically.
You know what I mean?
Which sucks.
But the worst part
is that our parents
think it was 'cause
they were so smart.
You know what I mean?
That, I can't stand that.
I'm tired of hearing it
from baby boomers. Right?
Like their lives were so easy.
You could just win a house
at a carnival back then.
You know what I mean?
Just some guy, like.
Oh. Nice.
A three-bedroom. Awesome.
Honey, we're moving again.
Yeah, have you ever tried to
get advice from them about a job?
They're like,
"Well, did you look him in the eye
and shake his hand?"
And it's like, Yeah. I did that.
Like, Huh?
Well, that's
how I became the vice
president of Circuit City.
So I'm
I'm out of ideas.
They all think we're children too.
These millenials spending
all their money on lollipops.
It's like, okay,
I need a CPAP machine, actually, but...
And these lollipops have
weed in them, by the way.
So, a little more expensive
than you might think.
Yeah. Sucks.
They ruined the world.
Global warming.
That's them, right?
Not for anything good either.
I think it was
mostly hairspray, right?
That's it.
Like every Bon Jovi concert
took a centimeter off the
polar ice caps, I'm pretty sure.
Like, "Oh, now I have to
fucking wash my yogurt cups."
Why? Why?
You wanted a Jheri curl
so I have to rinse out garbage now?
How is that fair?
They ruined drunk driving.
That was them, right?
Come on.
You know how fun
that would be right now?
Know what I'm saying?
Fucking,
get on one of those electric scooters
four "Truly's" deep.
That would be sick.
But no, somebody couldn't
handle their Quaaludes, so...
But the good news is shit is
only gonna continue to get worse.
So we're gonna be able
to do that to our kids.
Right?
I can't wait to flex on my children.
Right?
Just talking to my adult son
like, "Hey, buddy, come
on, you're 30 years old."
You can't be splitting a tent
with six people anymore.
Alright?
When I was your age,
I only had one roommate,
and I owned my Nintendo switch.
So, you got,
you got a lot
of growing up to do, pal.
Okay?
Go get a job selling your
plasma just like everybody else.
Oh, I need to be patient with you?
You tell me about patience
when you've jacked off
to a dial-up
internet connection, okay?
When you've accidentally
busted to a forehead
that was still loading,
then we can talk about patience.
When you have
printed out a picture of
WWE superstar Trish Stratus
on an inkjet printer
to jack-off to later.
Then we can talk about patience.
Now quiet down. The Boston
Dynamics robot might hear us.
Yeah. There's no, like,
part of the bit where I'm like,
"But you know what? If
we all stick together, we"
No, I think we're fucked.
Unless somebody, you know,
shmassassinates
Shmeffrey Shmezos.
I didn't say it.
Legally, I didn't say anything.
You can't get me legally.
Yeah, we're fucked.
Like that guy gets
to just go to the moon
and this guy will never
see a doctor in his life.
You know what I mean?
Yeah. But hey, whatever.
Just get as sucked-off as possible.
That's what I think. Yeah.
Focus on yourself, you know?
Have some goals.
Improve yourself.
Have a good time.
I got goals. I got stuff
I want to improve. Right?
I want to keep losing weight.
You know, that's one of my goals.
For a lot of reasons though, you know?
Number one, I'm
tired of being fetishized.
You know, that's...
Not sexually but platonically.
You know?
'Cause people look
at me and they think,
"Oh, there's a big fat party
animal. Right?"
But that's a lot of
pressure, you guys.
You know what my Hawaiian
shirt budget is?
It's crazy.
You think I only want
to do cannonballs? No.
I want to do other dives,
you guys.
But everybody expects a certain
thing from me, it hurts my feelings.
I had a real fat boy pet peeve
happen to me the other day.
I dropped a slice of pizza
on the ground
and enough people saw
me that I had to throw it away.
That Oof. That was tough.
Oh, boy.
Just gonna take this
to the trash.
Of course.
That's where I was going.
That's where I'd be going
if you weren't here.
That's for sure.
Definitely wouldn't be eating this
with 10% less enthusiasm.
Yeah. I had another moment
happen where it was, like,
really showed me
I need to get back
in the gym a little bit, you know?
Like I was taking
the steps on the subway
and I fell down the steps,
and none of the Black
teens around me made fun of me.
They were all just
concerned for my well-being.
Do you know how much that stings?
To be too fat for the
scorn of Black teens?
It's like, "No, come on, man,
don't call me sir."
Take your phone out.
Record me!
Make me feel alive.
They wouldn't do it, dude.
They were just good Samaritans,
it broke my heart.
Yeah. I don't know.
It's not just weight loss, though.
I got other shit I wanna work on.
I want to grow I'm 32.
I feel like I should grow
up a little bit, you know?
Like, I feel like this is the year.
No more floor pills, right?
No more finding loose
pharmaceuticals on the ground,
and trying to get fucked up off what
turns out to be heartburn medicine.
Like that's over for me.
I am trying to stay sober, though.
That's real.
I'm trying to stay sober.
It's been about four weeks,
you know?
Four weeks since
Alright. Thank you. Yeah.
It's alright, I'll be back.
Don't worry.
After this show, I'll be back.
If I'm being honest with you guys.
Yeah, I just had to cool
my jets for a sec.
It's hard, man. I
My problem with sobriety is
I keep doing drugs, you know?
'Cause drugs rock, right?
Here's how good drugs are. You know
what my favorite movie of all time is?
It's this nature documentary
about tropical fish that I watched
on mushrooms at my friend's place.
And the colors were so vibrant
and the story was so gripping.
Halfway through, I'm like,
"Dude, what is this?"
I got to look this up.
And he looks at me and goes,
"You are watching a
screensaver right now."
It's like, okay.
Well...
don't touch the mouse, please.
I'm rather invested
in this right now.
I'd like to see how this ends.
Thank you.
I'm trying to stay sober.
I'm trying to watch less porn,
trying to be off porn.
One of my friends,
he was off porn, too.
I was like, "Sick, dude,
what's your secret?"
Let's compare notes.
And he was like, "Oh, I've just been
having sex with a lot of women."
It's like,
"Okay, man, well that's not
being off porn, right?"
You can't be like, "No more video
games for me. No more Madden.
I'm just on the Dallas Cowboys now."
No more Call of Duty.
I bought a gun, so...
Take this for a spin.
Yeah. I keep trying to
improve year by year, you know.
I was real depressed a few years
ago when I first moved to New York.
Things were tough, you know?
And I was venting to a friend,
and they tried to cheer me up.
They're like, "Dude, you
shouldn't be depressed.
If child-you could see what
your life is like, he'd be thrilled."
It's like, really?
That's the metric we want to use?
That a child wants my life?
It's like, yeah, he does,
but for the wrong reasons, right?
He's like, Hey, what's life like?
Will there be ice cream?
There'll be ice cream every day.
Sometimes for breakfast.
For breakfast? Won't that taste
weird when you brush your teeth?
You're not
You're not doing that
that much anymore.
Oh, really?
Will there be sleepovers?
Will I see my friends?
You're gonna live
with four of your friends.
Every day's a sleepover
that you can't escape.
Oh, that rules.
I hope no girls come and ruin it.
I would not worry
about that one right now.
That last one is not gonna be
an issue, unfortunately.
No, that's an old joke.
I fuck, of course, but...
Things were tough.
I'm not going to lie to you.
Yeah. When I first moved to New
York, I didn't have my own room.
I had the corner
of a large living room,
and I'm glad I'm out of there.
But there is something
I miss about that.
There's a certain level
of camaraderie
that comes with that kind of poverty.
You know? Like,
I miss clowning your boy
when you heard him bust too fast.
You know what I mean?
Because there was five
of us in a three-bedroom.
Everybody knew the exact tempo
everybody else fucked at
in that apartment.
There was nothing funnier
than hearing
that IKEA bed frame stop squeaking
just a little too fast.
You know? Letting out
an audible laugh
that cut through
your paper-thin walls.
Pretty soon, everybody's
joining in. Ha ha ha ha.
It was nice.
Yeah.
I'm doing better now, though.
You know?
Things are pretty good.
I grew up pretty poor.
I was poor until pretty recently.
And I'm not poor anymore.
But I'm not rich either.
What I am is the richest
a poor person could ever
imagine becoming.
You know what I mean?
Like, I'm "get appetizers
every time" rich, you know?
Like, it's not just for
birthdays anymore.
I'm "dipping sauce rich." A lot,
a lot of my money is tied
up in ranch right now.
I'm "big ass TV,
no health insurance rich," right?
I got Xbox and PlayStation,
but no Blue Cross/Blue Shield.
That's...
Yeah, I don't know.
I did do one smart thing.
I did do one kind of like
investment thing.
I bought a house.
That's something, right, guys?
Thank you.
It's in the shitty
neighborhood I grew up in.
I grew up in southeast
Baltimore. Greektown.
I grew up in season two
of The Wire to tell you, basically.
Pretty easy to get a house there.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
To give you an idea,
when we moved
in, one of our neighbors
warned us that the other
neighbor was gay. So...
You get a little idea
of what the property
values are like
over there. Right?
And the way he did it was
hilarious, too, 'cause he was like,
"Listen. Good guy and
everything, but watch out."
For what?
What am I watching out for?
What is this man?
Some kind of gay raccoon?
You know what I mean?
Like, "Hey, buddy.
You're gonna want to lock
your dicks up overnight, okay?"
Cover 'em, chain 'em up,
bring 'em indoors.
This man's got a real nose
for a penis. Alright?
He will get to a
cock, I promise you that.
Got me a couple times.
Stay safe out there.
Yeah, we got the best
white trash in Baltimore, dude.
Extra strength white trash.
They got their own little dialect.
You know?
If you were talking to a guy
that I grew up around,
here's how the conversation would go.
It would be the dumbest
thing you've ever heard,
sounding horrible,
but with the most confidence, right?
It's always some guy that's like,
"Yo. You know what I don't
understand about traffic?
Why don't the guy at the front
just go."
"Just fucking go."
That "oh" is brutal.
It's the trademark.
It's like a domestic abuse
air raid siren.
Ooooooh.
Yo, I heard if you don't pay
child support for both your kids,
that's double jeopardy.
They can't get you on that one.
You got to know your rights, brother.
You got to know your rights.
One of my friends overheard
a guy in a 7-Eleven go,
"Damn it, Mikey spent all my
sweatpants money on Doritos."
What the fuck does that mean?
What could it possibly mean?
Is the money in sweatpants?
Is it for sweatpants?
If it's for sweatpants,
why does your clothing cost
as much as snacks?
That's my community, baby.
Yeah, that's
It's a funny neighborhood, you know?
It's a bunch of those guys
and then a bunch of, like,
recent immigrants
from South and Central America.
And then a bunch of Greek
people that are mad that
immigrants are stealing
their neighborhood.
It's a bunch of old Greek
guys that are like,
"You know, they don't even,
they don't even
speak English." It's like, okay.
"Okay, man, you don't speak
English." What...
What's the issue?
Yeah.
It was a fun little immigrant
upbringing over there.
Any immigrants here?
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Nice. Where you from?
- Mexico.
- Mexico. Nice. Classic.
Does that count here?
Like this is Mexico,
right? Like...
It should be Mexico, but...
Do you like your parents?
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Both of them?
- Both of them.
- Both?
You don't like
one more than the other?
- The mom more than the dad.
- The mom more than dad.
When's the last time
you and your dad hugged?
Uhhh.
We got him.
Nah, it's all good, dude.
For me, me and my dad,
it was the last time Greece got to
the quarterfinals of the World Cup.
That was
Yeah.
Yeah. I don't know
if you guys know this.
I don't know if this is
your experience,
but immigrants, one of their favorite
parenting techniques is child abuse.
I don't know if you guys knew that.
Like, my dad didn't hit us that much,
but his go-to move was
this, was just like,
Unh, fucker!
"Do your fucking homework!"
And to this day, he'll be like,
"Well, come on, I never hit you."
And it's like, "Yeah, but you
always could have, you know?
Never really felt
off the table, Pops."
I had a lot of friends
from similar backgrounds.
You know, I think
you kind of attract that.
And, you know, one of my buddies,
we, we became really close
later in life,
and he's still one
of my best friends today.
But when we were first friends,
he was like opening up
to me, you know?
He was confiding in me
and he was like,
"Yeah, dude. My dad
used to just get fucked up
off wine coolers and beat
the shit out of me." And...
I knew it shouldn't
have tripped me up,
but I was like, I'm sorry, dawg.
You said wine coolers?
Yeah.
I just knew when I came home
and I saw that daiquiri
mix in the freezer
I was in for a long night
of being whipped with
maraschino cherry stems.
I didn't get a lot of lessons from my dad.
I'll be honest.
I didn't, you know, he
didn't teach me a lot of stuff.
I didn't get a sex talk even.
You know? The closest
I got to a sex talk
was one time, we were in Greece,
and he was watching pornography
just in the living room.
Not, not in his chambers.
Right?
And it's a James Bond-themed porno.
And when James Bond starts
getting sucked off, my dad looks at me.
He's like, "Ehh?
Fuckin' ehh."
And that was my sex talk.
Just...
watching a British man
get head with my father.
Yeah, I'll give him
some credit, though.
He was a really good dad
when I was a little kid, you know?
And then I think
when I was like 10 or 11,
he had a heart attack
and he had one of those, like,
near-death experience,
moments of clarity.
He was like, "Oh my God,
what have I been doing
with my time on Earth?"
I have to start cheating on my wife.
I can't.
I can't be a present father.
I have to buy a leather jacket
from Costco and get pussy.
Yeah, he cheated on my mom,
and I don't know how.
Right? Like, if you're
some sexy rich guy, I get it.
I don't condone it,
but I see what happened.
What happened with my dad?
Did some woman look at him and go,
"Oh, my God.
When I saw that hunched-over
Greek contractor
take a piece of loose salami
out of his pocket
and eat it while laughing
at a man in a wheelchair,
I knew
I had to have him.
The way his shoulder
hair waved in the wind."
Yeah.
I don't know.
I've been going to therapy, though.
You know? Any therapy
heads in the building? Nice.
What's your biggest
trauma? I'm kidding. No.
Just a little light crowdwork, huh?
No, I've been going
to therapy a bunch,
and now I have empathy
for my dumbass dad, you know?
That sucks, you know?
Seeing it from his side, you know?
'Cause, look, was he the
best dad in the world? No.
But did he do his best?
Also no. But,
you know, whatever,
he gave it a hot 65%.
He did
I'll give him credit again.
He gave me a better
childhood than he had, right?
That's really all
you can ask on some level.
Like his family was all fucked up.
Like, here's how my dad's parents met.
Right?
This is Greece in the forties, right?
It's still arranged marriages.
And no one in my grandfather's
village wants to marry him.
Right? Nobody.
Doesn't matter how many goats
they throw in the trade.
No one's biting, right?
No one in mainland
Greece will marry him,
which is actually kind
of impressive, right?
Like, there's no Internet.
This is word of mouth
spreading about what
a piece of shit he is, right?
Basically, what they end up doing
is they catfish a family
on an island eight hours away.
Right? There's no way for
them to meet before the wedding.
They do the deal through letters.
Finally, it's set.
Everything's good to go.
They take this eight-hour
boat ride out
to this woman's island.
And the second
my grandfather steps off the boat,
the woman he's supposed to marry
looks at him and goes, "No,
absolutely not.
I'm not,
I'm not marrying this guy."
And then her dad goes, "Oh,
geez, well,
you came all this way.
Why don't you marry
my other daughter?"
And those are my grandparents.
That's them.
Wild, right?
Ever had like a bad
Craigslist roommate?
And you're like, "Oh, once this
lease is up, I am out of here."
Imagine if that lease
was your whole life
and that roommate
creampied you because that...
that was my grandma's life.
And, yeah.
You'd think something like
that would make somebody a bitch.
And you would be correct
in this instance, actually.
I feel bad and everything,
but really a tough hang.
I'll be honest with you guys.
I went to visit her
actually on her deathbed,
and she had pretty bad dementia
by the time I got to see her.
And I'm trying
to communicate with her.
And she just looks at me
and she goes,
"Who are you?"
You got fatter.
It's like, okay, pick one.
Okay?
Either you don't know who I
am or you don't know I got fatter.
That's how that works.
But I got to hand it to her.
You know, she snuck one in
right at the buzzer.
Three, two, one.
You're fat.
[buzzer sound]
One of the best to ever do it, folks.
Hang her moomoo up in the rafters.
I like my family though.
They are pretty funny.
My mom's mom is funny too.
My grandma on the other side.
She's great.
She's very accepting,
but very ignorant at the same time.
Which is a really funny combo.
Like over the holidays,
a couple of years ago,
we watched this old Greek movie,
and one of the characters,
it's revealed, thinks Jews
drink blood, you know?
And it's like an old movie.
He's the village idiot.
It's obviously a joke.
Everyone's making fun of him.
Everybody's laughing.
I look at my family, they're laughing.
I look at my grandma.
She's like, confused.
I'm like, "Oh, Grandma,
isn't this hilarious?
This guy thinks Jews drink blood."
And she's like, "Well, yeah, but...
They do, right?"
But the way she said it was,
"And you shouldn't judge
other people's cultures, Stavros."
What?
You think Jews
are vampires?
But we should let it slide
for diversity reasons?
Incredible perspective, .
She's great.
But I will say, the more time
I spend around Greek people,
the more time
I think it's crazy
the kinds of immigrants
we're banning in this country.
You know, like
it should be us, right?
Like, we got enough Europeans, right?
Like a racist
might be like, "Oh, well,
we can't have refugees
from the Middle East.
What if they commit sex crimes?"
It's like, okay, well,
have you ever met
an Italian man?
Have you ever tried to purchase
pizza in this country one time?
Hey, bella, how old you are?
That guy's getting waved
through customs. Why?
Oh, fuck.
You know how Inuit people
have, like, 30 words
for "snow" in their language?
Italian is similar in that they don't
have a single word
for "consent" in theirs.
No, I shouldn't shit on Italians.
I'm Greek.
We're basically Italians
that peaked in high school, right?
We've been coasting on
democracy for quite some time now.
It is a gorgeous place, though.
I do love visiting
over there. It fucking rocks.
I remember I took a visit
there a couple of years ago
with my girlfriend at the time.
And when you take
an international trip
like that with somebody, you
learn a lot about each other.
We're gone for 10 days,
just me and her.
And what we learned
is that we did not want
to be together anymore.
That was the big takeaway for us.
Kind of tough,
I'll be honest with you,
to break up on vacation, you know?
That's not how you see your Chase
Sapphire Rewards going, you know?
You ever paid $3,000 to be
the saddest you've ever been?
It was my fault, though. I took
a rich girl on vacation. Right?
Rich people don't give
a fuck about vacations.
Poor people, could you
imagine breaking up on vacation?
The only good week of your life?
You're not.
You're not doing that.
But don't get me wrong.
She wasn't like evil rich, right?
She's not space-for-fun rich.
But I'll put it this way.
When the shampoo ran out in her home,
they just threw the bottle away.
Right? There was,
there was no filling it
with water and
living off bubbles
for a week, you know?
She never had shitty-bubbles hair.
Right?
There were no omelets for
dinner, you know? Like,
"Whoa, hot dogs again?
Mom's the coolest!"
No buddy.
Mom is not that cool.
These are struggle dogs right here.
We got to make these
last till dad's disability
check comes in.
Yeah, I don't know if you know this,
but making a pack
of Hebrew Nationals last eight days,
that's actually white trash Hannukuh.
Thanks.
You know, it was a good relationship
while it lasted. I'm not bitter.
You know, things end.
And we had a good time.
We had a good sex life.
You know, we were
really into roleplaying.
Anybody here roleplay?
Nice. What do we do?
Huh?
Say it again.
- Um, like schoolgirl.
- Schoolgirl. Classic.
Very nice. Yeah,
that's good.
Is this like teacher/schoolgirl
or just like schoolgirl?
Schoolgirl/schoolgirl.
Schoolgirl/schoolgirl?
Now we're talking.
Wow. A twist on an old classic.
The Bud Light Lime of roleplaying.
Nice. Hell yeah.
I really like roleplaying
because I always pick
a guy that comes really fast.
That's my, that's my character,
is a guy that busts quick
and then plays NBA2K
for like a half hour.
I really commit to that one.
I'm sort of a method actor
when it comes to that one.
Yeah. I could tell, though, in
hindsight that that relationship
was kind of losing some steam.
You know?
I think you can tell in the way
you initiate sex
when the passion starts to go.
You know, like when we first started
dating, we'd go on these long dates,
we'd talk for hours, there'd
be a spark, we'd kiss.
I'd be like, "Wow, this
is really gonna happen."
The way I knew we were
gonna have sex at the end
of the relationship is,
if I went to the bathroom
and she was like,
"Wash your hands with soap this time!"
Like, hell yeah, dude. Nice.
Why's she want 'em clean, huh?
She's not trying
to get crumbs in there.
That's why.
I'm about to have sex.
It was good, though. I did, you know
I learned a lot about myself
being in a long-term
relationship, you know?
Like I learned I'm,
I'm more traditional in
some ways than I realize,
even though I consider
myself a feminist overall.
You know?
Like, do I want my girlfriend
to shave her legs? Yes.
But I will allow her to
support me financially. So...
I'm sort of a modern
guy in that sense.
Thank you. Yeah.
Mm-hmm. Please.
I'm just doing my part.
Nah, I'm a feminist, though.
You know, that part's real.
And I think my,
my favorite part of feminism
is the concept of mansplaining,
you know,
because basically
that means men aren't
allowed to explain anything anymore,
which means I could just
be dumb as hell.
Right?
Like, if one of my friends,
if she's like,
"Hey, what'd you think of this book?"
I'd be like, "Hm, nice try."
"I see what you're up to, but
I'm not reading anymore.
I'm a feminist. Thank you very much."
Yeah, but anyway, that relationship's over.
It's been over for a while.
I've just been out there.
Just a fat little slut. Just fucking
Thank you.
Just toss this little weiner around
town, you know what I mean?
Just throwing this
five-and-three-quarters
everywhere, you know?
Six on its tippy toes.
Don't worry.
Was this summer as slutty as
you guys thought it was gonna be?
No, right?
It wasn't that good, right?
Pissed me off. I was fucking ready, dude.
Everyone was building it up.
Everyone was like, We've been
locked up for a year.
People are going crazy.
They're gonna be sucking
and fucking in the streets, you know?
That was not my experience,
I have to be honest.
I think what happened
is everyone was very excited.
Everybody was like,
went out one time,
got crazy, fucked,
and then looked around,
and was like,
"This shit's still pretty bad
out here, actually."
The president just has a different
kind of dementia now.
No one's really fixed anything,
but there's less funny tweets now.
Yeah.
I was pissed, dude. I was ready
for this horny summer. Right?
I grew my hair out for this
shit, you know what I mean?
I was bald when the pandemic started.
I was like, fuck it, dude,
let's see what happens.
I'm trying to get my shit tugged
on, you know what I mean?
But it didn't happen,
dude. I had big plans.
I was going to get pegged
by somebody's
wife on a hammock, you know?
Some big naturals
on my shoulders. But...
The best laid
plans of mice and men.
You know what I mean?
I was having this conversation
with my gay friends, right?
I was talking about the summer
and I was complaining
and they're like,
"What do you mean?
You don't have sex?
We're having sex all the time."
That's not fair, you guys.
A gay guy making fun of a straight
guy for not having enough sex,
is like a Harlem Globetrotter
making fun of an NBA player
for not scoring
enough points, you know?
It's like, "Come on, man.
No one plays defense
in your league, right?"
A lot of,
lot of showmanship.
Yeah, a lot of confetti.
But not a lot of fundamentals,
is all I'm saying.
Yeah, I don't know, though.
I'm 32.
You know, maybe it's time
I started doing some gay
shit, you know?
Looks like fun, you know?
Like no one's ever come in
my mouth, but I love an
overeasy egg.
How different could it really be?
Be honest with yourselves right now.
It's probably pretty close.
Throw a little Tabasco
on the guy's cock,
you know what I mean?
Take me to brunch, big dog.
There's some pissed off
dudes in the crowd right now.
Hard scrambled from now on!
I will not have gay eggs!
Nah, I don't know. Maybe
that's a little far for me too, is uh,
sucking a man off with
hot sauce in my mouth. But...
I want to expand the sexual
repertoire a little bit.
You know, I want some new moves.
I've been doing some different stuff.
I've been doing the
pineapple thing, you know?
Supposed to make it taste better,
but everybody hates it no matter
how much pineapple
I put in my foreskin.
And I don't What?
Just chunk after chunk.
What am I doing wrong?
That might be the
stupidest thing I say tonight.
Here's my real move, though,
you know, here. Here it is.
'Cause I was always jealous
when you're hooking up with a girl,
and then she puts her hair up,
like, suggestively, and it's like,
"Uh oh. You know what's
coming next." You know?
That's why what I've been doing is
when I'm hooking up with a girl
and I'm about to go down on her,
I take out a huge bib.
Num num num num num num num.
That's my move.
I better not hear about anybody in
L.A. doing the bib.
Okay?
That's mine.
And you definitely cannot say "my
compliments to the chef" afterwards.
That ties it all together.
But I've been out there.
I've been dating a little bit.
You know?
I was dating mostly
younger women, not on purpose.
Just 'cause no one my age
wants to be with me,
you know?
Like I'm 32.
Girls my age want, like, stability,
you know, they want,
like, a real job.
Health insurance.
I could get you mushrooms
pretty easily, you know?
Like, that's a style of
30-year-old I am.
I don't know what an IRA is,
but I have acid on me right now.
Sometimes people are condescending
if you date somebody younger.
They'll be like, "Oh,
I'm sure the conversation
was very intellectually stimulating."
And you know what?
I'm very stupid.
So, yeah, it was.
I'm learning a lot from these girls,
a lot about astrology,
I'll tell you that much.
They love the stuff.
Everyone's pretty freaky
now too, I realize.
Everyone I feel like has
to bust in a strange way, you know?
Like a girl I was with
recently wanted to be tied up
and then also pretend
she was sleeping.
And it's like, "I could just
go, you know what I mean?"
Like, if that's what it's going to
take to fuck me, I'll head home.
No hard feelings.
I don't want to sound like a prude.
Right? I'm not trying to
kink shame up here.
Tying up's fun.
Even the sleeping,
I guess I don't have a problem with.
My issue with that situation
is that she has no use of her hands
and I've never successfully had sex
without the guiding vagina hand move.
You know that move?
Where the girl's like an electrician
trying to connect two wires.
You know, just like a real
I 98% know where a pussy is, but
that last 2% I really need help with.
Yeah.
I'm not that good at rough sex.
I think it's 'cause
I love my mom too much.
She called me recently
and she was like,
"Hey, how's your love life going?"
It's like, "Not great, because of all
the support you showed me as a child."
Would it have killed you to miss a
football practice every once in a while?
I have no resentment towards women.
I can barely choke this girl, mom.
You're embarrassing me right now.
No, I'll choke you, though.
Don't worry, I will.
No problem.
It's not my favorite, but it's fine.
Some people, though,
they love it, right?
Some people, that's
how they have morning sex.
That is crazy to me, right?
There's birds chirping outside.
You're smelling pancakes
from next door.
You're just like
Come on, man.
There's a fresh morning dew outside.
Children are going
to school right now.
Let "The Price Is Right"
come on first.
Show some decorum.
Even dirty talk, you know?
I feel like you're doing me a
really nice favor having sex with me.
I don't want to say a bunch
of rude things to you, right?
That's not how you treat
a bud doing a favor, right?
Your friend helps you move.
You're not like, "Yeah,
get that ottoman, you little slut."
Just putting my fingers
in my friend Jeff's mouth.
Pick up the credenza, Jeffy.
[spit sound]
You little mover.
Here's another move somebody
asked me to pull, was one of these,
was just a choke-finger combo.
You know, just like a real
Is that is that still sex, you guys?
I got to be honest,
it didn't feel like sex.
It felt like gynecology
in the 1400s, you know?
Like I felt like I was punishing
a witch more than anything.
It felt like we caught her
learning how to read.
For the crime
of female literacy.
Little Pilgrim hat.
If she's squirts, she's a witch.
Yeah.
I've been out there,
you know?
I've been on some
sexual voyages, you know?
You know, I've had to fuck my way
out of a couple jams.
Had a couple threesomes.
Didn't all go my way, I'll
be honest with you guys.
Anybody here? A threesome?
Yeah?
How'd it go?
Uh, it went pretty well, I guess.
Pretty well, you guess?
Alright. Nice.
Who were these people?
I got hit up on Tinder
like four in the morning.
You got hit up on Tinder.
By a woman's account? A man's account?
Yeah, a woman surprisingly enough.
A woman at 4 a.m.
Alright, nice.
Just out of the blue, they're like,
"This is the guy
I need."
- Huh?
- I said she said,
- "Do you want to have a threesome?"
- Wow.
- I did not think it was real.
- Sure. Of course. You're like, yeah.
You're just like,
alright, just check
Make sure my kidney is
here the next morning.
It's like a 30-minute Uber ride.
I was like, this might be it.
That is You weren't
getting too much pussy
before, I'm guessing, right?
They caught you in a drought.
They caught you in a big dry spell.
You're like, I could die.
It's 4 a.m. I have to work
in the morning.
It's $75 right now. But...
by gum, I might
just get double sucked, so...
And who are these women?
What are they looking like when you get in?
Do the pictures look similar?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
It was all pretty cut and dry.
All pretty cut and dry.
Like you're fucking hanging,
like you're doing
shingles on their roof.
They're like, "Yeah.
Wasn't too much water damage.
Everything was looking pretty good."
Get in and out job.
Alright.
So how quickly
until you're in
the house, is your penis
breathing fresh air, would you say?
Like an hour and a half.
Hour and a half? So you
warmed up a little bit. That's nice.
Except they wanted to make sure
I wasn't gonna kill them.
- I was like, I'm the one that took
- Right. Yeah.
- an Uber ride 30 minutes away.
- Sure, sure, sure.
Wow, it's a Mexican standoff.
Okay.
And then after they've
vetted you for 90 minutes,
they're like, "This is good.
We can fuck this guy."
Okay. And then, is it good?
Did everybody bust?
- Just not me.
- Just not you? What?
Get the fuck out of here.
The rare "the guy doesn't come
in a two girls, one guy?"
They gave me a fuckload of Adderall.
They gave you Adderall?
What the fuck is going on?
Wow. Respect
to these girls.
Did they give you
dick pills and Adderall?
That's a fucking
dangerous combination.
And you don't bust and you're
just fucking, you're driving
You're taking a fucking
40-minute Uber home.
You're like
Dick on titanium, just
That was pretty cool.
And you know what?
That's a fond memory for you, isn't it?
You're gonna be on
your deathbed just like smiling.
Your grandchild is gonna be like,
"What is it, Papa?"
And you're gonna be thinking
about not busting to two,
I'm gonna guess
Maryland five and a halfs.
There's no way
There's no way these were
hot women, right?
Everything we know we can kind of
through echolocation
understand they were ugly.
And you're going to be thinking
about not coming with these women.
And then you're gonna
look at him and be like,
How much I love grandma.
That's
Nice, how about a nice hand
for our friend over here, huh?
Anybody else?
Any other threesomes?
This seems like a pretty
Over here.
Raising your glass?
Is that the
"I-had-a-threesome" salute?
How'd it go?
- Not too well.
- Not too well? Yeah.
By the way, shouts out
a fellow man of size,
getting his dick sucked by two women.
Who were these
What was the situation for you?
- They looked like you.
- They looked like me. Alright.
I don't know why the fuck I have
to be disparaged in this.
And you're the one who fucked them.
I look like me.
You fucked two people
that looked like me.
How am I? How am I
getting dragged into this?
You couldn't have said
they looked like you?
You know what I'm saying?
Listen, we're not too far off, pal.
There's a lot of different ways
you could have phrased that
that doesn't throw me under the bus.
Okay, so you were having
a threesome in your weight class.
This sounds like this was
more of a wrestling match
than a sexual encounter.
Where did you meet these people?
- Vegas.
- Vegas. Nice.
Okay, so just three
people down on their luck,
just deciding to try
to have a plus-sized threeway. Yeah.
That's good. That's
good for the community.
I like that.
How many people came for you?
- Only me.
- Only
Oh there we go.
We've got the ying and yang of bad
threesomes over here.
I love it.
Yeah. Mine was
Mine was closer to yours than his.
But I'll tell my story now.
My threesome did not go good either.
It was a surprise, first of all.
I didn't think it was gonna happen.
And also, the day of my threesome,
it started with
a $40 Chinese food order.
That was breakfast for me.
You know what I mean?
Just me, by the way.
That's $40, me.
And it was one of those
things where I was waiting.
It was like, 10:59, 11.
Hello? Yes, I'd like to
It's like ordering Chinese food,
like I'm waiting for Star Wars,
you know?
And so $40 Chinese food breakfast.
There's a real ceiling to your day
when that's how it starts, right?
And I was also coming off
the heels of a
tender bender,
which is when you have
chicken tenders
every day for two weeks in a row.
Right?
So I'm not where you need
to be, nutritionally
speaking, for a threesome, right?
So I'm actually scrolling on Tinder
and she's gonna come
to my show that night,
but she's bringing a friend.
So in my mind, I'm like,
okay, she's coming to a public place.
She's bringing a friend,
she wants to check out the vibes.
And if you know,
if the vibes are right,
maybe we go on a date next week,
just me and her.
Maybe we fuck next week, right?
But there's no sexual pressure
on this situation.
I just have to be a cute,
charming little guy, and
I think we all know how
that's gonna go.
Right?
So we get there and it's a fun time.
You know, the conversation
is going really well.
Her friend's
cool. She's cool.
And but, you know, like I said,
I don't think I'm gonna fuck
so I'm gonna keep eating, right?
'Cause it's one or the other, folks.
I got a real problem.
And so we're chatting and I'm
just fucking eating like an asshole.
I'm eating the way like a cartoon
villain eats, you know what I mean?
I'm just like, they're talking
just like sliders, like
You know? Just like a fish.
The bones come out,
like that situation.
And it's going good,
but I'm getting sleepy
'cause I've had a lot
of carbs, right?
And I'm about to talk to the girl
I match with and be like,
"Hey, this was fun,
let's hang out some other time."
But before I can make that pitch,
I look over at them and
they're being really weird.
They're like texting each other.
And I'm like, "Hey, girls,
what's going on?"
And they're like, "Oh, nothing.
We were thinking like,
maybe we should
all go back to my place and fuck."
And I was like, "Yeah. Yes."
Ha ha ha. Duh.
That's what
I was also thinking.
That's what I am
prepared for right now.
But what am I gonna do?
What, I'm gonna be like,
"My tummy hurts."
I can't get pussy.
I had too many treats
to get pussy tonight.
I can't do that.
Right?
So I'm like, fuck it, I'm gonna
thug this out. We'll be fine.
So we're driving back
to their place, right?
And the whole time
I'm doing this thing,
I don't know fellas
if you've ever done this,
where you try and make
your dick hard with your mind.
Have you ever done that?
Just do a little check-in,
I'm just in there like,
Nothing. No movement whatsoever. Right?
But I'm like, no big deal.
I'm gonna get in this room.
It's gonna be me and four titties.
I'm gonna
be good to go. Right?
And at first, I'm right.
At first it rocks.
I'm in there.
Just me and four titties.
I don't know if you've ever seen
Have you seen one of those videos
where they give a baby
hearing aids for the first time?
You ever...
You ever see one of those?
I'm just in there like
I'm having the time
of my life, brother.
It's going awesome.
But then, very quickly,
the Chinese food
comes back to haunt me, right?
I just, I'm hitting them
with dumpling dick, you know?
Just think of a couple soup dumplings
stacked on top of each other,
you know? Very wobbly.
Like, optically, I'm hard,
but there was no
structural integrity
to my penis whatsoever.
Yeah, it's tough.
I'm doing this move a lot.
I'm doing the okay sign.
Have you ever done that?
Where it's like, "Yeah, no, it's hard."
Uh huh, yeah.
No, it's hard.
It's actually definitely hard.
Can you check?
Can you check again?
My dick is hard for sure.
Like my credit
card is getting declined.
I'm like, "Yeah, I called my bank.
They said my dick was hard.
So can you check?"
I'm blowing it, dude.
I'm stalling for so
I'm eating pussy for so long.
You could have just
watched all of Rush Hour 2
the amount of time I'm eating pussy.
One of them just falls asleep
in the middle of it, you know?
You know you're not
laying it down when you lose
a participant mid-threesome, right?
Yeah. I'm like,
this is brutal.
This is horrific.
We got to end this.
So I guess what I'm gonna have to do
is jack off and leave.
And that's what I did.
And in hindsight, it's crazy
that was my plan, right?
Why the fuck did I do that?
Like, "Oh, hey, girls,
I've just been sexually
disappointing you
for two hours in a row.
I'm gonna make
a small mess in your home
and get out of here.
If that's alright with you."
And it was an angry one, too.
It was one of those
get the poison outs.
You know? It was like a real,
"Aaaaah.
I want to be free!"
So I do that and I'm just standing
in this fucking hallway
dealing with a devastating bout
of post-nut clarity. And I'm like,
"Wow, this is it.
This is a tough L."
This is the worst
one of my life, probably.
But you know what? That's okay,
because we can rebuild from this, right?
It's only up from here.
This is rock bottom.
So I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna fucking
rebuild my life like the,
like the Phoenix,
I'll rise from these sexual ashes.
Right?
And that's what I do.
Eight months go by,
my shit's going great.
My life's going better
and better and better.
Things are going really good.
And then out of the blue,
I get a text from these girls
and they're like, "Hey,
want to fuck again?"
And I'm like, "This is a prank."
Right? Like,
I'm gonna get to their apartment.
It's just gonna be
all my enemies, you know?
Ha ha ha dude,
we knew you couldn't fuck.
Ha ha ha.
But that wasn't, it was really them.
They wanted to hook up again.
And I wasn't gonna ask
too many questions, right?
They had a whole little plan.
You know, they had
the day off from work.
They were gonna go to the museum
and then come over to my place after,
which is a very European
afternoon, you know?
Like look at paintings and fuck
a fat guy with a little mustache.
That's,
that's Parisian,
you know what I mean?
And I had a plan too. I
wasn't going out the same way.
This is redemption,
you know what I mean?
I'm fucking hitting the elliptical.
I'm fucking drinking green juices.
I'm drinking kombuchas.
I buy $80 worth of illegal
Indian Viagra
off the Internet.
Just from a guy that
worked at a research lab.
He was like, "Yeah, just
Venmo me and put 'lunch.'"
Just comes in an unmarked vial.
I'm just like,
I take so much of it
and my dick it worked.
My dick got hard as shit.
But the rest of my body
was failing, you know?
Like, I was just fucking and
my joints were locking up.
I'm just in there
cold sweat, you know?
Like the eyesight of
my left eye is flickering
like a light bulb in a haunted house.
And I'm like, "This is it.
This is how I deserve to die."
Is overdosing on dick pills.
And if that's how I went,
I wouldn't even want
an open casket, you know?
I would want a gloryhole
casket, you know?
Just everyone coming,
paying their last
respects, you know?
He was such a good boy.
Yeah.
And so obviously
the threesome wasn't good,
but there was one good
part in the beginning,
and that's when I was
I was eating pussy while
getting my dick sucked.
And it felt like I was
sucking my own dick
through a portal and that,
that was the best
moment of my life, I gotta be honest.
Guys, thank you so much.
That's it. We did it.
Hell yeah.
Thank you.