Stay Away, Joe (1968) Movie Script
Hey, Bronc.
Oh, man.
I figured to see you at the stockyard.
- You have some trouble?
- Well, no. No, I didn't.
I had a little business in Flagstaff.
Now, how was she?
Now, now, no, we can't keep
the congressman waiting.
Let's go. Yeah.
Yahoo! Here we go.
Hey, Bronc, move them this way.
Move them this way. Look out.
Look out.
Come on. Come on now.
Yahoo!
Move them out.
All right, boys, let's take them home.
Come on.
Turn them in. Yahoo!
Move them out. Come on.
Bring them over here.
Shoot. Missed the brake.
Shut up!
I'm sorry, Mr. Congressman.
Are you really a congressman?
A real one?
- Yes, I am. Now, as I was saying, Mr...
- Is he a real congressman?
Yes, and if you can
make a go of this, Charlie...
...you'll be an example
to every other Indian in the territory.
Come on. Oh! Ha-ha!
Oh, don't worry, I'll make a go of it.
I'll make good. Make a go of what?
Well, it's really quite simple.
You're in the cattle business.
- Twenty heifers and a young bull, Charlie.
- Purebred Herefords.
- Now, as I told Joe, it's...
- Smoke.
Oh, no, thanks. Now, if you build this herd,
I promise you that I will...
No, no, smoke. Something's on fire.
Fire, hell. That's smoke talk.
Chester Walking Bear
over at Big Springs.
I thought that old dog-eater
was dead by now.
What's it say?
You know I can't read smoke talk.
Lot of good it did to send you to school.
Can't even read your own language.
He say, "Get ready for big whoop-up.
Watch squaws.
Joe Lightcloud coming home."
- Joe coming home? Joe coming home.
- Oh, for heaven's sakes.
- Now, that's what I was trying to tell you.
- Annie? She's not home. What you saying?
Joe's bringing your cattle here.
Joe bringing them?
What's Joe got to do with this?
Joe's the one brought up the idea.
- Joe's the one. Your Joe.
- My Joe?
He talked the congressman here
into giving it a try.
I admit I was a bit skeptical at first...
...however, he pointed out
certain political advantages to the project.
Providing Charlie can make a go of it.
If you stay out of debt
and the herd prospers, Charlie...
...the government will likely adopt
this policy for the rest of the reservation.
So you see that the future of your
and my fellow Indians is in your hands...
...if you're ready to accept
such a responsibility.
If I'm ready? Hear this, Mr. Congressman.
I, Charlie Lightcloud...
...a direct descendant of great chiefs
and mighty warriors...
...will take care of these fat cows.
And I will raise strong calves.
And when people come to my reservation,
I will point out the fat cows.
I will say, "Do you know
who gave me these fat cows...
...and these strong calves?
My congressman.
And do you know why?
In order to prove
that an Indian can be fine...
...hard-working American citizen.
And not a lazy bum
like some white men think."
Charlie Lightcloud has spoken.
Good. Then it's, uh, settled.
All the necessary arrangements
have been taken care of with your son.
If you have any questions at all,
you contact Mr. Slager.
- He's in charge locally.
- All right.
Goodbye and good luck.
He need it.
Uh, we'll see you, Charlie.
I don't suppose there's any way to keep
this quiet, just in case it doesn't work out?
Word will spread like wildfire.
There'll be more Indians here
to see Charlie's cows...
...than there were at the Little Bighorn.
- I have good news.
- Get the lard out.
Huh?
- In the back seat.
- Oh.
Did you know that was
United States Congressman Morrissey...
...you almost hit out there?
Just because he got elected
to Congress don't mean he owns the road.
And if we don't fix the brakes
on that car...
- Sweetheart...
- lf somebody doesn't do something...
...about this rotten old porch,
it will float away in the next heavy rain.
- Don't worry, I'm going to fix it.
- Not that it matters.
It's just the way most everything got
in this house, including me, just floated in.
Wait till you hear what's happened.
- I hope something floats by soon...
- Annie.
...and plugs that hole in the floor
before somebody falls in.
The United States government
is gonna give us a whole herd of cows.
The whole house is coming down
around our ears.
- And a bull. And a bull.
- Windmill is half busted, roof leaks.
And the best part of it is, Annie...
The best part of it... Will you listen?
We got dry rot, wet rot,
old rot, new rot...
Look, the best part of it is...
Annie, listen to me. Annie.
Rotten, that's what it is. Clear through.
- Will you listen? The best part of it is...
- Rotten.
Joe's home,
and he arranged the whole thing.
I heard all about it in town.
- Horse puckey.
- Horse puckey.
No, no, is that any way for a mother
to welcome her only son?
He is not my son.
He is your son and don't you forget it.
Wicked stepmother. Legend speak true.
- Go gather the eggs.
- That's squaw work.
Like everything else around here.
Annie, look what this means to us.
Joe got us a herd of cows
of our very own, and they'll multiply...
- ...over and over.
- Along with our problems.
Charlie, haven't you learned yet?
- But this time, it'll be different.
- Carlos...
...what about the oil well
and the golf course?
We got problems enough
without Joe helping us.
- But, Annie...
- Tongue of viper.
Should strip you naked, paint you red,
horse-drag you across river.
- Now, Grandpa.
- And don't call me Grandpa.
Scorpion squaw
should work more, talk less.
Watch out, old man...
...or I will bury you and that filthy blanket
of yours in the happy hunting ground.
Hey, Charlie, you better get that gate open
and turn that gray horse out there.
Don't want him kicking holes
in your new cows, do you?
Hey, Bronco, have you seen Joe yet?
You betcha. He's up on the flats,
headed this way fast.
Giddyup. Let's go.
Get off there.
Get off there. Get off.
- Get on over there.
- Ha-ha-ha!
Look out. Come on back. Come on.
Come on, they're turning. Stop it.
Go on there.
Come on, Bronc.
He's here, Annie. Here they come.
No trouble so far.
Hold on there, Charlie.
I wouldn't button that gate up
too tight, if I was you.
Huh?
You got 20 heifers in there,
Mr. Lightcloud.
But I don't see no young bull.
Where is he?
Oh, uh, he'll be along all right.
Woo-hoo!
Look, look.
Oh, Joe.
- Come on, Joe.
- Come on, Joe.
Woo-hoo!
Ride that thing, baby. Woo-hoo!
Woo-hoo!
- Come on, Joe.
- Come on, let's get up here.
Bahh.
He's gonna herd it!
Open the gate,
open the gate, open the gate.
- Come on.
- Open the gate.
Will somebody scratch my back?
I got an itch.
Where's Annie?
Where's, uh...? Where's old Grandpa?
Is he still alive?
You damn right he is.
- You don't look a day older.
- Day older than what?
Annie.
Just as good-Iooking as ever.
Pop, you're a lucky guy.
A guy's got a right to hug his mama.
Same old Annie.
Laugh yourself right into the poorhouse.
You have nothing better to do,
but I have work to take care of.
Where's Mary? Where's my baby sister?
Oh, Mary's moved into town.
She's got a job with Mr. Slager
at the First National Bank.
She's city folk now.
Yeah, I'll kick the dogs out of her room,
and you can move in.
No, I've been outside so long,
a roof don't feel natural to me.
You sure rode that bull, Joe.
Yeah, Joe, how come
you come riding in on a bull?
Where's that Cadillac
you were gonna bring home?
I got it all right, but it up and quit on me.
Just don't make them like they used to.
Oh, yeah.
Who are you trying to kid? Ha-ha-ha!
Hey, what happened to that saddle
you won for bronco riding in Forth Worth?
That silver studded one?
Did you bring it back with you?
I traded it off to a city fella.
What'd he give you for it?
A pack of gum? Ha-ha-ha!
Are you kidding, man?
He gave me his wife.
Ohh!
Hey, Joe, was she pretty?
Hit him up, Joe. Give him what for.
What'd you do with that diamond
belt buckle that you won...
...for bulldogging at Madison Square?
He used it as a door handle
on his Cadillac.
Hey, Joe. Does that Cadillac...?
Does it say Ford on the front?
One of these days I'll drive it up here
and take all your squaws away.
- He'd do it too.
- Anytime.
Hey, wait a minute.
Something's missing.
Hi! Ohh.
Hey, down, boy. Private property.
No, beer.
Bronc, get over to Glenda Callahan's
and buy up every case of beer she's got.
Sure, Bronc. Just jump
into Joe's Cadillac and take off.
What am I gonna use for money, Joe?
Look.
A hundred dollars.
Holy Custer.
Hey, look, it's $ 100.
You got a match, Bull?
Yeah.
Here.
Hey, Grandpa.
Where's your smoke blanket?
I'm wearing it.
Well, get it working
and send out a signal, Grandpa.
Tell them Joe Lightcloud's home.
Tell them we're gonna throw one big party.
Might last a week, a month.
Depends on how long the beer holds out.
Hey, Jackson, cool off.
Hey, hand me a case of that beer.
- Hey, one hell of a party, Joe.
- How's the beer holding out?
Well, we're gonna get through the night,
unless old Bull gets a little bit thirsty.
I better go check on him.
- Hey, listen...
- Thanks a lot, old buddy. Thanks a lot.
Jump down spin around, let's have a party
Look who's back, Stay Away Joe
Choctaw, Chickasaw
Gonna drink hearty
Welcome back, Stay Away Joe
Stay Away Joe, they call me
Stay Away Joe, oh, yeah
But if you need me, call me
A whoop and a holler
And I'll be there
Who keeps turning up like a bad penny?
Take one guess, Stay Away Joe
Always finding trouble aplenty
Oh, my, yes, reckon you know
Stay Away Joe, they call me
Stay Away Joe, oh, yeah
But if you need me, call me
A whoop and a holler
And I'll be there
Okay, then, I'll dance with you.
When two lips are ripe for the picking
- Who crops up?
- Stay Away Joe
Love them, leave them
Screaming and kicking
Hey, ho, giddyup
Hey, look at him go
Stay Away Joe, they call me
Stay Away Joe, oh, yeah
But if you need me, call me
A whoop and a holler
And I'll be there
Hey.
Well, Mary, you are really something.
Oh, Joe, I missed you. Oh, Joe...
Lorne, this is Joe.
I kind of figured it was Joe.
I'm Lorne Hawkins.
Hi. What's this I hear
about you living in town?
Oh, I got a good job.
Never mind about me.
I wanna hear all about your deal
with Congressman Morrissey.
I'll talk to you later about that.
Come on, let's go meet
the rest of the tribe.
- Nice to have met you. See you later.
- See you later.
How are you, Mr. Lightcloud?
Hey, how about a beer?
Do you know him, Bronc?
The guy with Mary?
It's Lorne Hawkins.
He bought up a local newspaper.
Welcome home, Joe.
Who was that?
Billie-Jo Hump.
Well, she can chew on my moccasins
any time she wants to.
All right, Joe.
Now, that's Frank Hawk's new girl.
And he watches her like a hawk.
- Is that a fact?
- And...
Joe.
What's Hawk gonna say about that?
Well, he don't mind her dancing.
Joe, remember last time.
- Hawk, how's it going, boy?
- Hey, Joe, it's a good party.
That's my new girl over there.
With Jackson He-Crow?
That's her.
Billie-Jo. She's nice, huh?
Man, you better believe it.
I don't know, Hawk.
If she was my girl, I'd...
Well, what do you mean?
Well, I mean, it's nice of you
not to start any trouble or anything.
Well, what's the matter?
What's he doing to her?
If a guy did that without music,
they'd throw him in jail.
That no-good son of an Apache.
- Joe...
- Fight.
Fight. Fight.
Aah!
Annie, great party.
Everybody having fun.
Much more of that kind of fun and
the whole house will come down on them.
You fix something to eat?
No, I'm fixing to take a bath.
Wonder how long the fight will last.
Long enough, baby.
- Have you had enough?
- Hell, no.
Hey, everybody, break it up.
Break it up. All right, you guys.
Hey, that's enough.
Break it up, break it up.
Hey, Hawk,
that was a good fight, man.
- I enjoyed it.
- Thanks.
- Honey, are you all right?
- Uh-huh.
Uh, music. We need some music. Hey.
You guys wanna play something slow?
Everybody looks a little winded.
Joe, same old Joe.
I better talk to you right now.
Do you mind, Lorne?
- Lorne.
- What?
Okay with you if I take a tall, good-Iooking
young man outside for a walk?
Oh, sure, you and Joe go right ahead.
You're really too much. The congressman
actually believes he'll become governor...
...if Charlie succeeds with the herd?
- It's a cheap way to buy votes.
- What if Charlie doesn't succeed?
- He will.
How do you know?
Look what happened
with the golf course and the oil well.
- Well, I was young then, it's...
- Why do you keep coming back, Joe?
Why are you always
trying to help Charlie...
...instead of staying away
and making something of yourself?
Well, maybe it's because I wanna know
this place is still here when I need it.
Demon squaw.
Shame tribe of Lightcloud.
- What's happened now?
- Why don't you find out...
...while I rescue a certain white man
from being scalped by wild Indians?
Female Indians.
I am not going to give away
what little food we have...
...to a bunch of drunks.
- You bad Indian.
- Now, Grandpa...
- And don't call me Grandpa.
- She's only half Indian.
And half Mexican,
and proud of it.
Okay, what's wrong now?
We invite friends to celebrate
our great good fortune...
...and this half-breed scorpion squaw
will not feed them.
Be careful or I will
trade places with you...
...and I will serve you for dinner.
Hoo-hoowee!
I ain't had so much beer
in my whole life.
Most of my stomach's growling
like an old hound dog.
What's for chow?
Something else.
In old days, when we have whoop-up,
we have whoop-up.
When friends come to my father's tepee,
they get buffalo.
Big fat buffalo.
Where am I supposed to get buffalo?
Hey, Bronc, old buddy,
I got a job for you.
Lovely.
Hold it.
Hey, like I told you,
it's one hell of a party.
- Here's to the future governor.
- Yeah.
Shut up.
I think...
Oh, I think I'm going to die.
Joe?
Joe?
Joe.
Joe?
Yeah, Pop.
Man, ain't it a beautiful morning?
Hey, Annie.
Look out, you'll let the cows out.
Oh, there you are.
What did I do?
Wait a minute.
What did I do, Annie?
Annie. Annie, what's eating you?
You remember the cow
you ate last night?
- Yeah.
- It was the bull.
You mean Bronc was so stoned
he couldn't tell the difference?
That's right.
You mean he butchered my bull?
When the Congress finds out, they will pass
the law against you, Charlie Lightcloud.
And you will spend
the rest of your life in jail.
Wait a minute, Annie, wait a minute.
I can get you a better one.
What would you say if I were to get you
a big, strong, blue-ribbon stud...
...weighs about 1700 pounds?
I'd say that's a lot of bull.
- So would I.
- Ow!
She'd look good painted red.
Say, where you gonna find
an animal like that?
Hike Bowers over at
the Big Springs Stockyard.
I'll just take a ride over to
Glenda Callahan's and give him a call.
But, son, do you know
how much a herd bull like that cost?
- Five hundred dollars, maybe more.
- Five hundred?
That's peanuts.
Could you let me have a dollar?
I left my money in my other pants.
Sure. Here.
What other pants?
Up jumped the devil.
- How you been, Glenda?
- Can't complain.
- You've been away a long time, Joe.
- Long enough.
I'll bet you didn't give
us folks out here a thought.
Oh, yeah, I did.
I thought about you a lot.
- I'll bet you did.
- No, it's true.
What kind of things
did you think about, Joe?
All sorts of things.
Such as?
Give me some change for a phone call
and a drink, and I'll tell you all about it.
I got no license to sell whiskey
and you know it.
- It never made a difference before.
- They're watching me now.
So it's strictly wine and beer
until they lose interest.
Of course, for you...
...I can make an exception.
- I wouldn't wanna ruin your reputation.
- Don't worry about that.
Now, before you left, we was...
Oh, damn.
Help yourself to a beer.
I'll be right back.
Hello. May I speak
to Hike Bowers, please?
- Tell him Joe Lightcloud's calling.
- Hi, Joe.
What do you know?
- Little Mamie Callahan.
- That's right.
- You've kind of grown up.
- I'm 19 now.
Hey, Joe.
Oh. Oh, yeah, hello. Hike?
Yeah, I got back yesterday.
Listen, Hike, I wonder if I could come over
and talk to you about borrowing a bull?
Yeah, that's right, a bull,
and a good one.
Oh, you have? Great.
Come by later, Hike. Thanks.
What do you need a bull for, Joe?
- I'll explain it to you sometime.
- Over my dead body.
Mamie, you take that shameful thing off.
It's a minidress, I made it myself.
Minidress, hell.
It looks like your underwear.
I like it.
Not now, baby.
I can't get over
how much she's grown.
- Out.
- At least let me finish my beer.
- You're gonna ruin your carpet.
- Next time I won't aim so low.
I see what you mean.
Bye, Mamie.
Bye, Joe.
You quit messing around with him.
He reminds me of your father,
that no-account.
Gee, Ma.
Baby, dear. Don't you want to be good?
How am I gonna be good
if I never get any practice?
I'm sure you're gonna be pleased
with your choice, Mr. Lightcloud.
In fact, I'm certain of it.
I sure hope you're right.
Oh, I'd bet my last dollar on it.
Now, where's that old one-seater
you're trading in on this little gem?
Right over there.
- Stick them up.
- Joe.
- They finally got you in a cage, didn't they?
- I'm glad you stopped by.
- Morning, Joe.
- Oh, hello, Hy, you old politician.
They haven't caught you yet, have they?
Well, I hear you had
quite a wingding last night.
- Hope the herd's okay.
- Oh, they're a little hung-over.
Cows just can't hold
their beer, you know.
Well, listen, all joking aside...
...this cattle deal's
damned important, you know?
Morrissey's running for governor
means a lot to me.
Now, you just leave everything to me, Hy.
You're practically home free.
I know you, Joe...
...and if you mess this up,
I will have your skin.
Bank's looking great, Hy.
Mary, I wanna show you something
outside. I'll bring her right back.
I have a terrible feeling
before this thing's over...
...I'm going to be feeling terrible.
You're kidding. How'd you do it?
Where'd you get it?
- It was easy. I traded in old Gray for it.
- You did what?
I was talked into it. This fellow needed
one more sale to make his monthly quota.
So you helped him out?
Oh, come on, Joe.
- Who does it really belong to?
- Hey, sis.
What's with you and this Lorne stud?
Well, I told mama last night that...
Holy cow. I forgot the bull.
See you later, sis.
- Hey! Joe, you're looking great.
- Where'd you get that?
- Hank, I ain't seen you in a long time.
- Business is looking pretty good.
I'll show you how good.
Let me buy you a beer.
- I'm on duty.
- I'll tell you what...
...when you get off,
come out to Callahan's.
- I'll buy all the brew you can handle.
- See you there.
You too, Bronc. We'll have a party.
Great. But wait...
Where did you get...
...the new car?
Hi, Glenda.
I wanna talk to you about something.
- I told you to stay away.
- I came to help you.
- Hi, Joe.
- Eat your wheat germ.
- Help from you I don't need.
- I was in town just now.
I heard Matson tell Bronc
he's on his way here.
- For what?
- To check the liquor you got, what else?
- I don't believe it.
- Then don't.
- Hi, Joe.
- Make your bed.
- I already made it.
- Then lie in it.
- Go on. Out.
- Mama.
Shut the door.
- Who told him?
- Not me.
I'll bet.
Well, then, why would
I come here to warn you?
What am I gonna do?
- Get out of here, I'll take care of him.
- Oh, no.
Look, I've been thinking
about you and me.
Yeah, I know how you was thinking.
Mamie's nice, but she's just a baby.
I like a woman with maturity.
Uh-huh.
Why don't you take my car
and drive up to Flagstaff?
As soon as I get rid of Hank,
I'll join you there.
- What about Mamie?
- Leave her here.
That'll be the day.
It'll look phony with both of you gone.
Why don't I tell him
you had some shopping to do?
- Forget it.
- Okay.
But I hope you got the stuff hid real good,
because here he comes right now.
Meet you at the Maverick Bar.
- I'm parked out back, the keys are in it.
- Right.
That sure is a funny way to drive a car.
Would you like some yogurt?
No, thanks, baby.
Wasn't that your new car
we just saw leaving?
What new car?
Hey, Hank, let me get you a beer, buddy.
I can't stay too long.
I gotta get on home.
That's too bad,
because we're gonna have a party.
Well, how come you weren't driving?
Here you go, Bronc, go call the tribe.
Because we're gonna
have ourselves a real party.
Hey, everybody, I've brought more booze.
Come and get it.
Booze!
More booze? Ha-ha!
Here we go, everybody,
drink up the evidence...
...so poor Glenda will never
have to sneak off again.
Poor old Glenda, all alone in Flagstaff.
I hope she's having a good time, Joe.
Okay, boys. Don't push.
- There's enough for everybody.
- Joe.
Hey, Bronc, did you ever tend bar?
Uh, nope. Used to be a butcher though.
I know, but now you're a bartender.
- Pass the hat, buddy, let's keep it legal.
- We'll keep it legal.
Holy cow, I forgot the bull. Hey, Bronc.
You want something to drink?
A little fire water, you put it right there.
- Bronc!
- Come on.
You're not the owner! Get out of here!
Bronc.
- Come here, I need your help.
- Yeah? Take care, don't spill it.
Uh, what can I do for you, old buddy?
Tomorrow morning
go over to Hike Bowers'...
...and pick up this bull he's got for me.
- His bull? Uh...
What do you need a bull for?
Yeah, yeah.
- Anything you say, Joe.
- Thanks a lot, Bronc.
This is fun.
You say you never
kissed anybody before?
- What's the matter?
- I'm just wondering what you'll be like...
...when you've had a little practice.
- Okay, then, well...
I guess this is what it's like.
- What what's like?
- Being in love.
- Wait a minute, Mamie. We're not...
- Ma won't be back for a long time.
And maybe not even all night.
- Did you hear something?
- More. Come on.
Joe, let's you and me go someplace...
- What's wrong with where we are?
...and get married.
Married?
Well, look, honey,
you just don't up and get married like that.
You gotta plan these things,
you know what I mean?
All right. You gotta get to know
each other better.
Oh, you mean like this.
- Mama.
- I can explain everything.
Meet me in Flagstaff, huh?
I'm getting to know him better,
so we can get married.
Mama, don't!
Joe, look out!
Hear me, get out
or I'll clobber you, you lousy...
I got him, Joe. I got the bull.
You stole him, huh?
Just like old days.
Charlie, you're gonna get rich.
- Hey, come on. Come on.
- Oh, good to go.
Annie, you hear that?
You hear that, Annie?
Joe got us a bull.
Best stay away from that tailgate,
he'll charge anything that moves.
Better look out. He sees them heifers,
he'll come like a freight train.
- Ready, Bronc?
- I'm ready.
Okay, here she goes.
- It's coming.
- Yep.
- Everybody stay out of the way.
- Yeah.
Come on.
Come on.
- You gonna take that end?
- Yeah.
I'll take his head,
and you take the other end.
- Be careful.
- Come on, now.
Come on, now. Come on down there.
Come on.
Wait until he gets a look
at them heifers.
Some bull.
Hike says he's blue ribbon.
Dominic the Twelfth.
Twelfth? Don't tell me
there was 11 more like him?
You shouldn't have said it.
Now he's mad at you.
Mad? He look like he's going to cry.
He isn't even looking at them heifers.
He's had a hard day
riding around in that truck.
- Just wait until he gets a little rest.
- It is morning. He just got up.
Looks like good bull. I like him.
Of course you like him.
Only thing around here
that moves slower than you do.
What do you know about bulls?
I know more than he does.
I think he'll come around.
We just gotta get him interested, that's all.
And how are you going to do that?
I'll figure out a way.
Even if I have to show him myself.
Can I watch?
I am not going to wait for you.
Bronc, put one of those cows
on your truck.
Hold it, Bronc. What for?
- I am going to sell it and buy a toilet.
- A toilet?
Yeah, we've been
through that before, Annie.
I told you, them things have to be
connected up with pipes at both ends...
...and a handle in the middle.
I am not going to have
Mary's mother-in-law use no outhouse.
- Come on, Bronc.
- Hold it, Bronc.
Mary's mother-in-law?
Yeah, she's coming here
in two weeks to visit.
But Mary ain't even married.
She's going to be, to Lorne Hawkins.
- Why didn't she tell me?
- She tried...
Come on, Bronc.
- Put one of those cows in your truck.
- Hold it, Bronc.
You can't just go selling off
the herd like that.
Oh, I see. It is all right to eat them,
but not to sell them, is that it?
What else they are good for
with a bull like that?
I got an idea.
Why doesn't Mary ask her mother-in-law
to go to the toilet before she leaves town?
Oh, Carlos, you don't ask people
things like that.
You don't even know her.
Besides, I am going to need
many more things before I am through.
Okay, okay. I'll get the money for you,
but leave the herd alone.
- And how you going to do that?
- Never mind, I'll get it.
All right, but if you don't come back
with some money...
...I will keep selling cows
until this house is just the way I want it!
Annie. You woke him up.
Look at that.
Sorry I can't give you anything
for the windshield, Joe.
Too many holes in it.
I was sure hoping we'd get
more dough than this.
Well, spare parts aren't hard
to come by nowadays.
Too many accidents on the highway.
Well, thanks anyway. Come on, Bronc.
See you later, Orville.
I sure hope you know
what you're doing, Joe.
New car and all.
Listen, this money's gonna protect
the prettiest herd of heifers you ever saw.
Dominic, Dominic, why are you stalling?
Don't you hear love calling to you?
Move your little foot do
Dominic, Dominic, pick one and take her
There's acres and acres to choose
Only a fool would refuse
If I had your trouble
Life would be double, good sweet
There'd be no grass
Growing under my feet
Listen, Dominic, Dominic
When will you hunger?
You ain't getting younger, my friend
Love, love, love them all
Right to the end
I can't understand you
Leaving them beauties forlorn
It's time to take the old bull by the horn
Come on, Dominic, Dominic
They're itching and twitching
Better start pitching some woo
Move your little foot do
Hello, misfortune
How's my old friend Mr. Misery?
I've been away so long
I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me
I got no bed to rest my head
No doors or walls or windowpane
Now all I needed was the rain
Rain, rain, rain, rain
Met a little honey
At the Buzzin' Bumble Bee Caf
Yes, I did
One drink and all my money
And that honeybee had flown away
About as low as I can go
I don't really mean to complain
Now all I needed was the rain
Rain, rain, rain, rain
All I needed was this rain
All I needed was the rain
Come on, lie down.
There's no problems.
What are you howling about now?
Man, all I needed was you dogs.
Hey, cut it out,
you're getting me all wet.
Get your tail out of my mouth.
Come on, move over.
Get on your own side.
I said, cut it out.
Bull now get up again.
He's probably walking in his sleep.
Two-wheeler not look good.
Well, at least it's got a motor.
The car ain't much good anymore,
even for sleeping.
You sleep in hogan with me.
Thanks, Grandpa.
Charlie. Carlos, where are you?
Darn rain nearly washed
all the stones off of this house.
Where is Grandpa?
Does he has his new clothes on?
They're going to be here any minute.
Well, I'll go get him.
Tell him not to bring
that filthy scalp in this house.
- Oh, Carlos, Carlos.
- Hm?
Did you fill the water tank
on the toilet?
Three buckets full,
she can flush all day.
Old man, go get dressed.
What are you doing out here?
Running away.
I was gonna go out looking for you...
...so as we could go on
getting to know each other better.
Well, hop on. I got an errand to run.
I thought you told me
not to expect too much.
Apparently they've made a few changes.
Mother, this is Mrs. Hawkins.
- How do you do?
- Mrs. Lightcloud, it's so nice to meet you.
This is my husband, Charles.
Call me Charlie.
Shake...
Uh, we have been looking forward
for this day for a long time.
- You all know Lorne.
- Sure do.
- Hello, Lorne.
- Hi.
Charlie. Hey, Mrs. Lightcloud,
the place looks tremendous.
What have you done to it?
Well, we just add a few things
here and there.
Here and there.
You know that we had a lot of cows...
- Will you please come in?
- Thank you.
Don't mind the dogs,
they won't bite you if you don't bite them.
It's beautiful.
I must say it's refreshing
to find such a striking home...
...in the midst of all this wild country.
One might almost say
it's an oasis in the desert.
- Please make yourself at home.
- Thank you.
Isn't this interesting.
Look at the little fan.
Oh, Lorne!
Ooh. I forgot to warn you about that.
Setuju untuk bertemu.
Carlos, help him out of the hole.
- The hole, Carlos.
- It's a little mistake.
- May I take your coat, Mrs. Hawkins?
- Why, no, thank you.
It was rather cool coming out.
I think I'll just leave it on.
- I'll build a fire.
- Aah!
I think a fire would be a lovely idea.
Fire? I forgot, we can't have a fire.
Annie made me hide
the old potbellied stove...
...out behind the manure...
- Sit down, Mrs. Hawkins.
Maybe you will be
more comfortable on the davenport.
- Thank you.
- Look out for the holes.
Carlos. Carlos.
What?
Fix the hole.
Would you care
for a drink of water, Lorne?
Maybe you would like some tea.
Tea. I'd love some tea.
Mother, wouldn't you like some tea?
If it isn't too much trouble.
Oh, no, no trouble at all.
Well, I'll help you, Mother.
Oh, no. Carlos forget
to hook up the pipes.
It's all right, I'll get some outside.
Maria.
Will you please forgive the fuss?
We, uh...
Would either of you
like to use the toilet?
Oh, gee, look at the pretty light, Mom.
- Isn't that nice?
- Yes.
Oh, uh...
Maria, I want everything
just right for you.
You are my daughter.
I will do everything for you.
Oh, I know, Mom, it looks wonderful.
But Mrs. Hawkins isn't like that.
You don't need to impress her.
Well, we're sure doing it.
- What happened?
- Me.
He came up on her blind side.
- I'm afraid I forgot to introduce them.
- Here, fix this.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Mrs. Hawkins.
I'm sure Grandpa
didn't mean to startle you.
- Scare hell out of her.
- It was silly of me to scream.
- Mary.
- How do you do, Mr. Lightcloud?
- Chief Lightcloud.
- Chief.
Grandpa.
You stay away from me, old squaw.
Where is your new clothes, Grandpa?
Mail-order suit stink.
Wolf skin and blanket good enough.
It's very colorful.
Is different color on inside.
Grandpa.
Um, the tea is going to be ready
in a minute.
- Would you please sit down?
- Well, thank you.
And where is Joe?
I've heard so much about Joe.
- Did you tell him we'd be here?
- Oh, I told him.
- She told him to stay away.
- Carlos.
I imagine Joe's pretty busy, Mom.
I'm disappointed I won't have
the opportunity to meet him.
You'll meet him.
See what I mean,
couldn't get very far in that thing.
But, Joe, the motorcycle
could get us to Flagstaff...
...and they've got ministers there.
Attaboy, Joe.
Is Joe coming in?
He busy.
- Mrs. Hawkins.
- Thank you.
- Grandpa.
- Water? Ah.
Well, that certainly
is a lovely refrigerator.
Should be. Cost half a cow.
Half a what?
It is just a little family joke, you know?
Here we go again.
Now what?
Oh, my...! Oh, that's cold.
I'll see you later, maybe.
Mama, don't!
Oh, hello. Excuse me,
I'm sorry I can't stay.
Head for outhouse, Joe.
She not look for you there.
Mama, wait. Mama...
Mama.
Mama, will...? What...?
You go that way, I'll head him off.
You no-good, cradle-robbing...
...rotten, dirty bum.
It's all right. Mom?
Mama!
Hold it, baby, hold it.
Joe. Hey, you forgot me.
Joe.
Wait for me.
Looks like you and I just weren't
meant for each other, baby.
I want to thank you all
for a delightful afternoon.
- I'm so sorry, Lorne.
- Oh, don't be silly.
I didn't realize your family
had such a sense of humor.
Are you coming
back to town with us?
No, I think I'll stay here.
Where I belong.
Mrs. Lightcloud, Charlie, Grandpa,
it's been a gas.
I hope to see you all again
before I leave.
You got lot of guts, lady.
Hi.
Hi, yourself.
I'm sorry I fouled things up
the way I did.
It wasn't your fault.
I guess I made an impression
on Lorne's mother, didn't I?
Well, that's the trouble.
We were all trying to impress her.
- You wanna come inside?
- Hm?
Oh, yeah.
Have you talked to Lorne?
I wrote him a letter.
What does that mean?
I was wrong, Joe. I realize it now.
I'm what I am.
No amount of paint and fancy furniture
is gonna change it.
I don't belong in Lorne's world.
It's just time I stopped
kidding myself about it.
If you talked to him, I'm sure you'd find out
you're getting steamed up over nothing.
Nothing? Sure. Just a grandfather
who still wants to scalp white men...
Who cares if you live in Lorne's world
or he lives in yours?
If you love each other,
you'll build your own world.
Out of what?
You know what you are?
You're a phony, that's what you are.
- You like to feel sorry for yourself.
- Don't lecture me.
Not me. If I goof, I'm not gonna
sit down and lick my wounds.
I'm gonna get out and do something
about it. And fast.
Hey, Joe.
Hey, don't you say hello
to friends anymore?
Just like old times.
- Morning.
- I thought you was my friend, Hike.
You slugged me first.
I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about that bull
you loaned me.
What about it?
- You said he won a bunch of blue ribbons.
- Well, he... Ha-ha-ha!
Well, he did, old buddy.
Well, he did.
For what? Unh! Sleeping?
He hasn't even looked at those heifers.
Heifers? You mean you wanted
to build a herd?
Well, what else?
What's so funny?
You being in rodeo,
I figured you knew.
Knew what?
Dominic the Twelfth.
He just happens to be the best
bucking bull in the Eastern circuit.
He ain't never been rode.
Is that a fact?
Wait a minute, hold it down.
Wait a minute, hold it down.
I'll say it again.
I'm willing to bet there's not
a man here that's cowboy enough...
...to ride this old bull of mine.
I got 10-to-1 that says
that he can't be rode.
Ten to one? You must be kidding.
- Is that to a standstill?
- Nope, to a whistle. Eight seconds.
- You putting us on?
- Lf I am, he'll throw you off.
- And I'll bet double that I can ride it.
- That part of the deal?
If I don't go the distance, you collect.
Help pay your hospital bill.
Let me have 100 of that.
Looks good, looks good.
Oh, hello, boys. Excuse me.
- We wanna talk with you, Joe.
- What about?
Oh, a little personal matter
we wanna settle.
- You've been going out with our girls.
- We seen you with them.
Darn near ran me down.
Well, uh, look, fellas...
...I gotta go.
We'll get him at the main gate,
after the rodeo.
- Hi, Joe.
- How are you?
Well, don't you two look cute?
What's the occasion?
Mamie's getting married.
- Oh, yeah? To who?
- You.
Right after the fair,
we'll meet you at the gate...
...drive over to Judge Nibley's,
and he'll issue a license or lock you up.
- Come on, Mamie.
- Bye, Joe.
Look at that, Joe. We got enough money
to buy every cow in Arizona.
Now, folks, you're not gonna
find the next entry in your program...
...but I guarantee you
we're gonna have a few laughs.
We have a cowboy who seems
to wanna give money away.
And some of our riders are gonna do
what they can to accommodate him.
Now, let me call your attention
to chute number three.
We present Dominic the Twelfth.
The world's most dangerous bull...
...if we can wake him up.
And now, folks,
we have a surprise for you.
To prove that Dominic
can really be ridden...
...and he's willing to put up
all his winnings to prove it...
...coming out of chute number four...
...the pride of Calgary, Cheyenne
and Madison Square Garden...
...Arizona's own Joe Lightcloud.
Take it away, Joe.
Hang on there, baby.
Mama, he could get killed.
He should be so lucky.
Joe, do you see me?
Get in there, Joe. Stay on there.
Cowboy Joe.
- Hey, we did it.
- We did it. Ha-ha!
That's all of the money in the world.
You did it. We did it. We did it.
Hold it, Bronc.
- Where is he?
- Now, listen...
...we were here first. Where is he?
Well, he'll be along soon.
He had to go by the first-aid station
to get something for, uh, rope burn.
He'll have more than that to
worry about if he tries to sneak out on us.
You wouldn't be trying to pull something
on us, would you, Bronc?
What you got in back?
It's just old Dominic.
Yeah, it's just old Dominic.
All right, I'm leaving.
Look, if you see Joe, tell him
I'll meet him downtown, will you?
Oh, Joe...
Joe wouldn't take off like that.
- Not without saying goodbye.
- Why not? He did it before.
Well, what are we
gonna do now?
Go to jail for sell government cows.
- Where is he?
- Out here.
- I say how to Lorne.
- Lorne?
Mary, I wanna talk to you.
Come in, Lorne.
Nice of you to drop by.
- Mary, will you open up this door?
- No, go away. I don't wanna see you.
Will you open up the door
and stop acting like a child?
Oh, no, she doesn't mean it.
She's just putting on a show.
Show gets better.
Here come congressman.
- Carlos.
- What?
- Carlos, let me do the talk.
- All right.
And maybe I can save you
from going to jail.
Carlos.
Charlie.
Mr. Congressman, Mr. Slager, hello.
I see you've made a number
of improvements in the house.
Well, I just added little Mexican
touches here and there.
There is a story
going around town, Charlie...
That your cattle are showing up
at the stockyards.
Now, I'm sure you can explain.
- Where is the herd, Charlie?
- I can explain.
Where is the herd, Charlie?
- They're out on the range somewhere.
- Right.
- Wrong. You tell us the truth.
- Mr. Congressman, I can explain.
Let him speak.
Uh...
He cannot speak.
Uh, where?
You've sold them.
This is gonna be very hard to explain
back in Washington.
He not so good explaining it here.
Just open the door and let me talk.
- Just for a minute.
- No, I won't.
Mary, you sent me that letter,
and it doesn't make sense.
- It does make sense.
- Mary, will you open the...?
Mary... Will you open
the door, Mary, please?
I'll have you all in jail.
You have destroyed our careers.
I mean, the governor's.
The congressman's.
It is entirely your fault, Charlie.
Selling government cattle
for your own personal gain...
...is an out-and-out crime against
the United States of America.
You're a disgrace to the Indian...
The Indian na...
Mary, I know you're in there. I can see you.
You can't get out the other way.
If you try and get out, I'll go around.
- What are you doing with my cars?
- Loan company told me to pick them up.
You tell them I'm gonna report them
to the Better Business Bureau.
Looks like you've got
a little explaining to do, Joe.
What about? Turning 20
head of cows into a hundred?
- Those are yours?
- Nope, they belong to my father.
Here's a bill of sale.
I'd say this makes you
the biggest cattleman...
...in the 23rd district, Mr. Lightcloud.
- Kind of makes you feel warm, don't it?
- Yes, yes, you could say that.
Come along, Mr. Slager,
we've got work to do.
Now, I want the newspapers
to know about this.
Photographs, interviews, the works.
We might even get the television station
in Phoenix to cover it.
This is the greatest thing
that could ever have happened to us.
Look at all the other people.
- Look at John Smith and Pocahontas...
- Oh, Lorne!
My son, my son.
My son.
Don't worry, Annie, things will get worse.
You better believe it.
- Will you...? Will you listen to me?
- Stop.
Ow! Mary.
Aah! Come on, come on.
I told you everything
would be all right. Look out.
We can eat again.
All right, judge, there he is.
Well, here we go again.
Come on, Joe.
- You come right here with me...
- Why?
...and stand over there. Right there.
Mamie, stand there and hold his hand.
Here, Bronc, take this,
and you go over on the other side.
All right, judge, let's go.
- Go? Go where?
- Highly unusual.
But I am empowered
under statute number...
- Joe, we have to get married.
- Huh?
I've never been so shamed
in my entire life.
What'd you tell her I did?
All we did was kiss.
Start the ceremony.
- We are gathered here...
- Wait a minute.
No wait.
- Keep going.
- Yeah.
Well...
I'm going now.
I'll see you around, okay? Bye.
- Aha! Mary!
- Aah!
Do you, Joe, take Mamie
to be your lawfully wedded wife...
...to love and to cherish
as long as you both shall live?
- No.
- Yes.
Now, this is highly improper, you know?
Uh, do you, Mamie, take Joe
to be your lawfully wedded husband...
...to love and to cherish
as long as you both shall live?
Excuse me, judge, I gotta run.
Pardon me, ma'am.
- Nice try, Joe.
- A man's gotta try.
If you don't open the door,
I'll break the thing down!
If you break it down, I'll hit you
in the head with a chair!
What do we do now?
Wait till they finish,
then we'll go on with the ceremony.
I'm afraid that's impossible.
Excuse me.
Now, that boy claims
that he only kissed your daughter.
- And l...
- That's right, and Mama said that...
Look, I'll decide.
That's right?
Is that all you did, is kiss him?
Mama, you said that if I kissed a boy,
I would get in trouble.
Mamie, you and me are gonna have
a good long talk about the facts of life...
...and you're gonna tell me
how you think it happens.
- What happens?
- Baby, dear, get in the car.
- Bye, Mamie.
- Bye, Joe.
Get up. Fight for honor of tribe.
Thank you, sir.
Mary, just open the door.
Mary, I love you.
Mary, will you come out?
- You all right, buddy?
- Yeah, that big clown stepped on...
Open the... Mary.
You can give me a hundred reasons why
it won't work, but I'll marry you.
You tell her, Lorne.
What are you helping him for?
We saw him out with your girl too.
- Oh, Joe, I'm sorry...
- That's all right. It clears the head a bit.
Hey, Lorne, get her out of here.
- Aah! No!
- I'm gonna marry you.
Let me go.
Mary, I love you!
Joe.
Where did he go? Joe?
Don't let Joe...
Joe?
I got him.
Don't let him get away.
Stop that Indian-chasing man!
Man, that's what I call
one hell of a fight.
Oh, man.
I figured to see you at the stockyard.
- You have some trouble?
- Well, no. No, I didn't.
I had a little business in Flagstaff.
Now, how was she?
Now, now, no, we can't keep
the congressman waiting.
Let's go. Yeah.
Yahoo! Here we go.
Hey, Bronc, move them this way.
Move them this way. Look out.
Look out.
Come on. Come on now.
Yahoo!
Move them out.
All right, boys, let's take them home.
Come on.
Turn them in. Yahoo!
Move them out. Come on.
Bring them over here.
Shoot. Missed the brake.
Shut up!
I'm sorry, Mr. Congressman.
Are you really a congressman?
A real one?
- Yes, I am. Now, as I was saying, Mr...
- Is he a real congressman?
Yes, and if you can
make a go of this, Charlie...
...you'll be an example
to every other Indian in the territory.
Come on. Oh! Ha-ha!
Oh, don't worry, I'll make a go of it.
I'll make good. Make a go of what?
Well, it's really quite simple.
You're in the cattle business.
- Twenty heifers and a young bull, Charlie.
- Purebred Herefords.
- Now, as I told Joe, it's...
- Smoke.
Oh, no, thanks. Now, if you build this herd,
I promise you that I will...
No, no, smoke. Something's on fire.
Fire, hell. That's smoke talk.
Chester Walking Bear
over at Big Springs.
I thought that old dog-eater
was dead by now.
What's it say?
You know I can't read smoke talk.
Lot of good it did to send you to school.
Can't even read your own language.
He say, "Get ready for big whoop-up.
Watch squaws.
Joe Lightcloud coming home."
- Joe coming home? Joe coming home.
- Oh, for heaven's sakes.
- Now, that's what I was trying to tell you.
- Annie? She's not home. What you saying?
Joe's bringing your cattle here.
Joe bringing them?
What's Joe got to do with this?
Joe's the one brought up the idea.
- Joe's the one. Your Joe.
- My Joe?
He talked the congressman here
into giving it a try.
I admit I was a bit skeptical at first...
...however, he pointed out
certain political advantages to the project.
Providing Charlie can make a go of it.
If you stay out of debt
and the herd prospers, Charlie...
...the government will likely adopt
this policy for the rest of the reservation.
So you see that the future of your
and my fellow Indians is in your hands...
...if you're ready to accept
such a responsibility.
If I'm ready? Hear this, Mr. Congressman.
I, Charlie Lightcloud...
...a direct descendant of great chiefs
and mighty warriors...
...will take care of these fat cows.
And I will raise strong calves.
And when people come to my reservation,
I will point out the fat cows.
I will say, "Do you know
who gave me these fat cows...
...and these strong calves?
My congressman.
And do you know why?
In order to prove
that an Indian can be fine...
...hard-working American citizen.
And not a lazy bum
like some white men think."
Charlie Lightcloud has spoken.
Good. Then it's, uh, settled.
All the necessary arrangements
have been taken care of with your son.
If you have any questions at all,
you contact Mr. Slager.
- He's in charge locally.
- All right.
Goodbye and good luck.
He need it.
Uh, we'll see you, Charlie.
I don't suppose there's any way to keep
this quiet, just in case it doesn't work out?
Word will spread like wildfire.
There'll be more Indians here
to see Charlie's cows...
...than there were at the Little Bighorn.
- I have good news.
- Get the lard out.
Huh?
- In the back seat.
- Oh.
Did you know that was
United States Congressman Morrissey...
...you almost hit out there?
Just because he got elected
to Congress don't mean he owns the road.
And if we don't fix the brakes
on that car...
- Sweetheart...
- lf somebody doesn't do something...
...about this rotten old porch,
it will float away in the next heavy rain.
- Don't worry, I'm going to fix it.
- Not that it matters.
It's just the way most everything got
in this house, including me, just floated in.
Wait till you hear what's happened.
- I hope something floats by soon...
- Annie.
...and plugs that hole in the floor
before somebody falls in.
The United States government
is gonna give us a whole herd of cows.
The whole house is coming down
around our ears.
- And a bull. And a bull.
- Windmill is half busted, roof leaks.
And the best part of it is, Annie...
The best part of it... Will you listen?
We got dry rot, wet rot,
old rot, new rot...
Look, the best part of it is...
Annie, listen to me. Annie.
Rotten, that's what it is. Clear through.
- Will you listen? The best part of it is...
- Rotten.
Joe's home,
and he arranged the whole thing.
I heard all about it in town.
- Horse puckey.
- Horse puckey.
No, no, is that any way for a mother
to welcome her only son?
He is not my son.
He is your son and don't you forget it.
Wicked stepmother. Legend speak true.
- Go gather the eggs.
- That's squaw work.
Like everything else around here.
Annie, look what this means to us.
Joe got us a herd of cows
of our very own, and they'll multiply...
- ...over and over.
- Along with our problems.
Charlie, haven't you learned yet?
- But this time, it'll be different.
- Carlos...
...what about the oil well
and the golf course?
We got problems enough
without Joe helping us.
- But, Annie...
- Tongue of viper.
Should strip you naked, paint you red,
horse-drag you across river.
- Now, Grandpa.
- And don't call me Grandpa.
Scorpion squaw
should work more, talk less.
Watch out, old man...
...or I will bury you and that filthy blanket
of yours in the happy hunting ground.
Hey, Charlie, you better get that gate open
and turn that gray horse out there.
Don't want him kicking holes
in your new cows, do you?
Hey, Bronco, have you seen Joe yet?
You betcha. He's up on the flats,
headed this way fast.
Giddyup. Let's go.
Get off there.
Get off there. Get off.
- Get on over there.
- Ha-ha-ha!
Look out. Come on back. Come on.
Come on, they're turning. Stop it.
Go on there.
Come on, Bronc.
He's here, Annie. Here they come.
No trouble so far.
Hold on there, Charlie.
I wouldn't button that gate up
too tight, if I was you.
Huh?
You got 20 heifers in there,
Mr. Lightcloud.
But I don't see no young bull.
Where is he?
Oh, uh, he'll be along all right.
Woo-hoo!
Look, look.
Oh, Joe.
- Come on, Joe.
- Come on, Joe.
Woo-hoo!
Ride that thing, baby. Woo-hoo!
Woo-hoo!
- Come on, Joe.
- Come on, let's get up here.
Bahh.
He's gonna herd it!
Open the gate,
open the gate, open the gate.
- Come on.
- Open the gate.
Will somebody scratch my back?
I got an itch.
Where's Annie?
Where's, uh...? Where's old Grandpa?
Is he still alive?
You damn right he is.
- You don't look a day older.
- Day older than what?
Annie.
Just as good-Iooking as ever.
Pop, you're a lucky guy.
A guy's got a right to hug his mama.
Same old Annie.
Laugh yourself right into the poorhouse.
You have nothing better to do,
but I have work to take care of.
Where's Mary? Where's my baby sister?
Oh, Mary's moved into town.
She's got a job with Mr. Slager
at the First National Bank.
She's city folk now.
Yeah, I'll kick the dogs out of her room,
and you can move in.
No, I've been outside so long,
a roof don't feel natural to me.
You sure rode that bull, Joe.
Yeah, Joe, how come
you come riding in on a bull?
Where's that Cadillac
you were gonna bring home?
I got it all right, but it up and quit on me.
Just don't make them like they used to.
Oh, yeah.
Who are you trying to kid? Ha-ha-ha!
Hey, what happened to that saddle
you won for bronco riding in Forth Worth?
That silver studded one?
Did you bring it back with you?
I traded it off to a city fella.
What'd he give you for it?
A pack of gum? Ha-ha-ha!
Are you kidding, man?
He gave me his wife.
Ohh!
Hey, Joe, was she pretty?
Hit him up, Joe. Give him what for.
What'd you do with that diamond
belt buckle that you won...
...for bulldogging at Madison Square?
He used it as a door handle
on his Cadillac.
Hey, Joe. Does that Cadillac...?
Does it say Ford on the front?
One of these days I'll drive it up here
and take all your squaws away.
- He'd do it too.
- Anytime.
Hey, wait a minute.
Something's missing.
Hi! Ohh.
Hey, down, boy. Private property.
No, beer.
Bronc, get over to Glenda Callahan's
and buy up every case of beer she's got.
Sure, Bronc. Just jump
into Joe's Cadillac and take off.
What am I gonna use for money, Joe?
Look.
A hundred dollars.
Holy Custer.
Hey, look, it's $ 100.
You got a match, Bull?
Yeah.
Here.
Hey, Grandpa.
Where's your smoke blanket?
I'm wearing it.
Well, get it working
and send out a signal, Grandpa.
Tell them Joe Lightcloud's home.
Tell them we're gonna throw one big party.
Might last a week, a month.
Depends on how long the beer holds out.
Hey, Jackson, cool off.
Hey, hand me a case of that beer.
- Hey, one hell of a party, Joe.
- How's the beer holding out?
Well, we're gonna get through the night,
unless old Bull gets a little bit thirsty.
I better go check on him.
- Hey, listen...
- Thanks a lot, old buddy. Thanks a lot.
Jump down spin around, let's have a party
Look who's back, Stay Away Joe
Choctaw, Chickasaw
Gonna drink hearty
Welcome back, Stay Away Joe
Stay Away Joe, they call me
Stay Away Joe, oh, yeah
But if you need me, call me
A whoop and a holler
And I'll be there
Who keeps turning up like a bad penny?
Take one guess, Stay Away Joe
Always finding trouble aplenty
Oh, my, yes, reckon you know
Stay Away Joe, they call me
Stay Away Joe, oh, yeah
But if you need me, call me
A whoop and a holler
And I'll be there
Okay, then, I'll dance with you.
When two lips are ripe for the picking
- Who crops up?
- Stay Away Joe
Love them, leave them
Screaming and kicking
Hey, ho, giddyup
Hey, look at him go
Stay Away Joe, they call me
Stay Away Joe, oh, yeah
But if you need me, call me
A whoop and a holler
And I'll be there
Hey.
Well, Mary, you are really something.
Oh, Joe, I missed you. Oh, Joe...
Lorne, this is Joe.
I kind of figured it was Joe.
I'm Lorne Hawkins.
Hi. What's this I hear
about you living in town?
Oh, I got a good job.
Never mind about me.
I wanna hear all about your deal
with Congressman Morrissey.
I'll talk to you later about that.
Come on, let's go meet
the rest of the tribe.
- Nice to have met you. See you later.
- See you later.
How are you, Mr. Lightcloud?
Hey, how about a beer?
Do you know him, Bronc?
The guy with Mary?
It's Lorne Hawkins.
He bought up a local newspaper.
Welcome home, Joe.
Who was that?
Billie-Jo Hump.
Well, she can chew on my moccasins
any time she wants to.
All right, Joe.
Now, that's Frank Hawk's new girl.
And he watches her like a hawk.
- Is that a fact?
- And...
Joe.
What's Hawk gonna say about that?
Well, he don't mind her dancing.
Joe, remember last time.
- Hawk, how's it going, boy?
- Hey, Joe, it's a good party.
That's my new girl over there.
With Jackson He-Crow?
That's her.
Billie-Jo. She's nice, huh?
Man, you better believe it.
I don't know, Hawk.
If she was my girl, I'd...
Well, what do you mean?
Well, I mean, it's nice of you
not to start any trouble or anything.
Well, what's the matter?
What's he doing to her?
If a guy did that without music,
they'd throw him in jail.
That no-good son of an Apache.
- Joe...
- Fight.
Fight. Fight.
Aah!
Annie, great party.
Everybody having fun.
Much more of that kind of fun and
the whole house will come down on them.
You fix something to eat?
No, I'm fixing to take a bath.
Wonder how long the fight will last.
Long enough, baby.
- Have you had enough?
- Hell, no.
Hey, everybody, break it up.
Break it up. All right, you guys.
Hey, that's enough.
Break it up, break it up.
Hey, Hawk,
that was a good fight, man.
- I enjoyed it.
- Thanks.
- Honey, are you all right?
- Uh-huh.
Uh, music. We need some music. Hey.
You guys wanna play something slow?
Everybody looks a little winded.
Joe, same old Joe.
I better talk to you right now.
Do you mind, Lorne?
- Lorne.
- What?
Okay with you if I take a tall, good-Iooking
young man outside for a walk?
Oh, sure, you and Joe go right ahead.
You're really too much. The congressman
actually believes he'll become governor...
...if Charlie succeeds with the herd?
- It's a cheap way to buy votes.
- What if Charlie doesn't succeed?
- He will.
How do you know?
Look what happened
with the golf course and the oil well.
- Well, I was young then, it's...
- Why do you keep coming back, Joe?
Why are you always
trying to help Charlie...
...instead of staying away
and making something of yourself?
Well, maybe it's because I wanna know
this place is still here when I need it.
Demon squaw.
Shame tribe of Lightcloud.
- What's happened now?
- Why don't you find out...
...while I rescue a certain white man
from being scalped by wild Indians?
Female Indians.
I am not going to give away
what little food we have...
...to a bunch of drunks.
- You bad Indian.
- Now, Grandpa...
- And don't call me Grandpa.
- She's only half Indian.
And half Mexican,
and proud of it.
Okay, what's wrong now?
We invite friends to celebrate
our great good fortune...
...and this half-breed scorpion squaw
will not feed them.
Be careful or I will
trade places with you...
...and I will serve you for dinner.
Hoo-hoowee!
I ain't had so much beer
in my whole life.
Most of my stomach's growling
like an old hound dog.
What's for chow?
Something else.
In old days, when we have whoop-up,
we have whoop-up.
When friends come to my father's tepee,
they get buffalo.
Big fat buffalo.
Where am I supposed to get buffalo?
Hey, Bronc, old buddy,
I got a job for you.
Lovely.
Hold it.
Hey, like I told you,
it's one hell of a party.
- Here's to the future governor.
- Yeah.
Shut up.
I think...
Oh, I think I'm going to die.
Joe?
Joe?
Joe.
Joe?
Yeah, Pop.
Man, ain't it a beautiful morning?
Hey, Annie.
Look out, you'll let the cows out.
Oh, there you are.
What did I do?
Wait a minute.
What did I do, Annie?
Annie. Annie, what's eating you?
You remember the cow
you ate last night?
- Yeah.
- It was the bull.
You mean Bronc was so stoned
he couldn't tell the difference?
That's right.
You mean he butchered my bull?
When the Congress finds out, they will pass
the law against you, Charlie Lightcloud.
And you will spend
the rest of your life in jail.
Wait a minute, Annie, wait a minute.
I can get you a better one.
What would you say if I were to get you
a big, strong, blue-ribbon stud...
...weighs about 1700 pounds?
I'd say that's a lot of bull.
- So would I.
- Ow!
She'd look good painted red.
Say, where you gonna find
an animal like that?
Hike Bowers over at
the Big Springs Stockyard.
I'll just take a ride over to
Glenda Callahan's and give him a call.
But, son, do you know
how much a herd bull like that cost?
- Five hundred dollars, maybe more.
- Five hundred?
That's peanuts.
Could you let me have a dollar?
I left my money in my other pants.
Sure. Here.
What other pants?
Up jumped the devil.
- How you been, Glenda?
- Can't complain.
- You've been away a long time, Joe.
- Long enough.
I'll bet you didn't give
us folks out here a thought.
Oh, yeah, I did.
I thought about you a lot.
- I'll bet you did.
- No, it's true.
What kind of things
did you think about, Joe?
All sorts of things.
Such as?
Give me some change for a phone call
and a drink, and I'll tell you all about it.
I got no license to sell whiskey
and you know it.
- It never made a difference before.
- They're watching me now.
So it's strictly wine and beer
until they lose interest.
Of course, for you...
...I can make an exception.
- I wouldn't wanna ruin your reputation.
- Don't worry about that.
Now, before you left, we was...
Oh, damn.
Help yourself to a beer.
I'll be right back.
Hello. May I speak
to Hike Bowers, please?
- Tell him Joe Lightcloud's calling.
- Hi, Joe.
What do you know?
- Little Mamie Callahan.
- That's right.
- You've kind of grown up.
- I'm 19 now.
Hey, Joe.
Oh. Oh, yeah, hello. Hike?
Yeah, I got back yesterday.
Listen, Hike, I wonder if I could come over
and talk to you about borrowing a bull?
Yeah, that's right, a bull,
and a good one.
Oh, you have? Great.
Come by later, Hike. Thanks.
What do you need a bull for, Joe?
- I'll explain it to you sometime.
- Over my dead body.
Mamie, you take that shameful thing off.
It's a minidress, I made it myself.
Minidress, hell.
It looks like your underwear.
I like it.
Not now, baby.
I can't get over
how much she's grown.
- Out.
- At least let me finish my beer.
- You're gonna ruin your carpet.
- Next time I won't aim so low.
I see what you mean.
Bye, Mamie.
Bye, Joe.
You quit messing around with him.
He reminds me of your father,
that no-account.
Gee, Ma.
Baby, dear. Don't you want to be good?
How am I gonna be good
if I never get any practice?
I'm sure you're gonna be pleased
with your choice, Mr. Lightcloud.
In fact, I'm certain of it.
I sure hope you're right.
Oh, I'd bet my last dollar on it.
Now, where's that old one-seater
you're trading in on this little gem?
Right over there.
- Stick them up.
- Joe.
- They finally got you in a cage, didn't they?
- I'm glad you stopped by.
- Morning, Joe.
- Oh, hello, Hy, you old politician.
They haven't caught you yet, have they?
Well, I hear you had
quite a wingding last night.
- Hope the herd's okay.
- Oh, they're a little hung-over.
Cows just can't hold
their beer, you know.
Well, listen, all joking aside...
...this cattle deal's
damned important, you know?
Morrissey's running for governor
means a lot to me.
Now, you just leave everything to me, Hy.
You're practically home free.
I know you, Joe...
...and if you mess this up,
I will have your skin.
Bank's looking great, Hy.
Mary, I wanna show you something
outside. I'll bring her right back.
I have a terrible feeling
before this thing's over...
...I'm going to be feeling terrible.
You're kidding. How'd you do it?
Where'd you get it?
- It was easy. I traded in old Gray for it.
- You did what?
I was talked into it. This fellow needed
one more sale to make his monthly quota.
So you helped him out?
Oh, come on, Joe.
- Who does it really belong to?
- Hey, sis.
What's with you and this Lorne stud?
Well, I told mama last night that...
Holy cow. I forgot the bull.
See you later, sis.
- Hey! Joe, you're looking great.
- Where'd you get that?
- Hank, I ain't seen you in a long time.
- Business is looking pretty good.
I'll show you how good.
Let me buy you a beer.
- I'm on duty.
- I'll tell you what...
...when you get off,
come out to Callahan's.
- I'll buy all the brew you can handle.
- See you there.
You too, Bronc. We'll have a party.
Great. But wait...
Where did you get...
...the new car?
Hi, Glenda.
I wanna talk to you about something.
- I told you to stay away.
- I came to help you.
- Hi, Joe.
- Eat your wheat germ.
- Help from you I don't need.
- I was in town just now.
I heard Matson tell Bronc
he's on his way here.
- For what?
- To check the liquor you got, what else?
- I don't believe it.
- Then don't.
- Hi, Joe.
- Make your bed.
- I already made it.
- Then lie in it.
- Go on. Out.
- Mama.
Shut the door.
- Who told him?
- Not me.
I'll bet.
Well, then, why would
I come here to warn you?
What am I gonna do?
- Get out of here, I'll take care of him.
- Oh, no.
Look, I've been thinking
about you and me.
Yeah, I know how you was thinking.
Mamie's nice, but she's just a baby.
I like a woman with maturity.
Uh-huh.
Why don't you take my car
and drive up to Flagstaff?
As soon as I get rid of Hank,
I'll join you there.
- What about Mamie?
- Leave her here.
That'll be the day.
It'll look phony with both of you gone.
Why don't I tell him
you had some shopping to do?
- Forget it.
- Okay.
But I hope you got the stuff hid real good,
because here he comes right now.
Meet you at the Maverick Bar.
- I'm parked out back, the keys are in it.
- Right.
That sure is a funny way to drive a car.
Would you like some yogurt?
No, thanks, baby.
Wasn't that your new car
we just saw leaving?
What new car?
Hey, Hank, let me get you a beer, buddy.
I can't stay too long.
I gotta get on home.
That's too bad,
because we're gonna have a party.
Well, how come you weren't driving?
Here you go, Bronc, go call the tribe.
Because we're gonna
have ourselves a real party.
Hey, everybody, I've brought more booze.
Come and get it.
Booze!
More booze? Ha-ha!
Here we go, everybody,
drink up the evidence...
...so poor Glenda will never
have to sneak off again.
Poor old Glenda, all alone in Flagstaff.
I hope she's having a good time, Joe.
Okay, boys. Don't push.
- There's enough for everybody.
- Joe.
Hey, Bronc, did you ever tend bar?
Uh, nope. Used to be a butcher though.
I know, but now you're a bartender.
- Pass the hat, buddy, let's keep it legal.
- We'll keep it legal.
Holy cow, I forgot the bull. Hey, Bronc.
You want something to drink?
A little fire water, you put it right there.
- Bronc!
- Come on.
You're not the owner! Get out of here!
Bronc.
- Come here, I need your help.
- Yeah? Take care, don't spill it.
Uh, what can I do for you, old buddy?
Tomorrow morning
go over to Hike Bowers'...
...and pick up this bull he's got for me.
- His bull? Uh...
What do you need a bull for?
Yeah, yeah.
- Anything you say, Joe.
- Thanks a lot, Bronc.
This is fun.
You say you never
kissed anybody before?
- What's the matter?
- I'm just wondering what you'll be like...
...when you've had a little practice.
- Okay, then, well...
I guess this is what it's like.
- What what's like?
- Being in love.
- Wait a minute, Mamie. We're not...
- Ma won't be back for a long time.
And maybe not even all night.
- Did you hear something?
- More. Come on.
Joe, let's you and me go someplace...
- What's wrong with where we are?
...and get married.
Married?
Well, look, honey,
you just don't up and get married like that.
You gotta plan these things,
you know what I mean?
All right. You gotta get to know
each other better.
Oh, you mean like this.
- Mama.
- I can explain everything.
Meet me in Flagstaff, huh?
I'm getting to know him better,
so we can get married.
Mama, don't!
Joe, look out!
Hear me, get out
or I'll clobber you, you lousy...
I got him, Joe. I got the bull.
You stole him, huh?
Just like old days.
Charlie, you're gonna get rich.
- Hey, come on. Come on.
- Oh, good to go.
Annie, you hear that?
You hear that, Annie?
Joe got us a bull.
Best stay away from that tailgate,
he'll charge anything that moves.
Better look out. He sees them heifers,
he'll come like a freight train.
- Ready, Bronc?
- I'm ready.
Okay, here she goes.
- It's coming.
- Yep.
- Everybody stay out of the way.
- Yeah.
Come on.
Come on.
- You gonna take that end?
- Yeah.
I'll take his head,
and you take the other end.
- Be careful.
- Come on, now.
Come on, now. Come on down there.
Come on.
Wait until he gets a look
at them heifers.
Some bull.
Hike says he's blue ribbon.
Dominic the Twelfth.
Twelfth? Don't tell me
there was 11 more like him?
You shouldn't have said it.
Now he's mad at you.
Mad? He look like he's going to cry.
He isn't even looking at them heifers.
He's had a hard day
riding around in that truck.
- Just wait until he gets a little rest.
- It is morning. He just got up.
Looks like good bull. I like him.
Of course you like him.
Only thing around here
that moves slower than you do.
What do you know about bulls?
I know more than he does.
I think he'll come around.
We just gotta get him interested, that's all.
And how are you going to do that?
I'll figure out a way.
Even if I have to show him myself.
Can I watch?
I am not going to wait for you.
Bronc, put one of those cows
on your truck.
Hold it, Bronc. What for?
- I am going to sell it and buy a toilet.
- A toilet?
Yeah, we've been
through that before, Annie.
I told you, them things have to be
connected up with pipes at both ends...
...and a handle in the middle.
I am not going to have
Mary's mother-in-law use no outhouse.
- Come on, Bronc.
- Hold it, Bronc.
Mary's mother-in-law?
Yeah, she's coming here
in two weeks to visit.
But Mary ain't even married.
She's going to be, to Lorne Hawkins.
- Why didn't she tell me?
- She tried...
Come on, Bronc.
- Put one of those cows in your truck.
- Hold it, Bronc.
You can't just go selling off
the herd like that.
Oh, I see. It is all right to eat them,
but not to sell them, is that it?
What else they are good for
with a bull like that?
I got an idea.
Why doesn't Mary ask her mother-in-law
to go to the toilet before she leaves town?
Oh, Carlos, you don't ask people
things like that.
You don't even know her.
Besides, I am going to need
many more things before I am through.
Okay, okay. I'll get the money for you,
but leave the herd alone.
- And how you going to do that?
- Never mind, I'll get it.
All right, but if you don't come back
with some money...
...I will keep selling cows
until this house is just the way I want it!
Annie. You woke him up.
Look at that.
Sorry I can't give you anything
for the windshield, Joe.
Too many holes in it.
I was sure hoping we'd get
more dough than this.
Well, spare parts aren't hard
to come by nowadays.
Too many accidents on the highway.
Well, thanks anyway. Come on, Bronc.
See you later, Orville.
I sure hope you know
what you're doing, Joe.
New car and all.
Listen, this money's gonna protect
the prettiest herd of heifers you ever saw.
Dominic, Dominic, why are you stalling?
Don't you hear love calling to you?
Move your little foot do
Dominic, Dominic, pick one and take her
There's acres and acres to choose
Only a fool would refuse
If I had your trouble
Life would be double, good sweet
There'd be no grass
Growing under my feet
Listen, Dominic, Dominic
When will you hunger?
You ain't getting younger, my friend
Love, love, love them all
Right to the end
I can't understand you
Leaving them beauties forlorn
It's time to take the old bull by the horn
Come on, Dominic, Dominic
They're itching and twitching
Better start pitching some woo
Move your little foot do
Hello, misfortune
How's my old friend Mr. Misery?
I've been away so long
I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me
I got no bed to rest my head
No doors or walls or windowpane
Now all I needed was the rain
Rain, rain, rain, rain
Met a little honey
At the Buzzin' Bumble Bee Caf
Yes, I did
One drink and all my money
And that honeybee had flown away
About as low as I can go
I don't really mean to complain
Now all I needed was the rain
Rain, rain, rain, rain
All I needed was this rain
All I needed was the rain
Come on, lie down.
There's no problems.
What are you howling about now?
Man, all I needed was you dogs.
Hey, cut it out,
you're getting me all wet.
Get your tail out of my mouth.
Come on, move over.
Get on your own side.
I said, cut it out.
Bull now get up again.
He's probably walking in his sleep.
Two-wheeler not look good.
Well, at least it's got a motor.
The car ain't much good anymore,
even for sleeping.
You sleep in hogan with me.
Thanks, Grandpa.
Charlie. Carlos, where are you?
Darn rain nearly washed
all the stones off of this house.
Where is Grandpa?
Does he has his new clothes on?
They're going to be here any minute.
Well, I'll go get him.
Tell him not to bring
that filthy scalp in this house.
- Oh, Carlos, Carlos.
- Hm?
Did you fill the water tank
on the toilet?
Three buckets full,
she can flush all day.
Old man, go get dressed.
What are you doing out here?
Running away.
I was gonna go out looking for you...
...so as we could go on
getting to know each other better.
Well, hop on. I got an errand to run.
I thought you told me
not to expect too much.
Apparently they've made a few changes.
Mother, this is Mrs. Hawkins.
- How do you do?
- Mrs. Lightcloud, it's so nice to meet you.
This is my husband, Charles.
Call me Charlie.
Shake...
Uh, we have been looking forward
for this day for a long time.
- You all know Lorne.
- Sure do.
- Hello, Lorne.
- Hi.
Charlie. Hey, Mrs. Lightcloud,
the place looks tremendous.
What have you done to it?
Well, we just add a few things
here and there.
Here and there.
You know that we had a lot of cows...
- Will you please come in?
- Thank you.
Don't mind the dogs,
they won't bite you if you don't bite them.
It's beautiful.
I must say it's refreshing
to find such a striking home...
...in the midst of all this wild country.
One might almost say
it's an oasis in the desert.
- Please make yourself at home.
- Thank you.
Isn't this interesting.
Look at the little fan.
Oh, Lorne!
Ooh. I forgot to warn you about that.
Setuju untuk bertemu.
Carlos, help him out of the hole.
- The hole, Carlos.
- It's a little mistake.
- May I take your coat, Mrs. Hawkins?
- Why, no, thank you.
It was rather cool coming out.
I think I'll just leave it on.
- I'll build a fire.
- Aah!
I think a fire would be a lovely idea.
Fire? I forgot, we can't have a fire.
Annie made me hide
the old potbellied stove...
...out behind the manure...
- Sit down, Mrs. Hawkins.
Maybe you will be
more comfortable on the davenport.
- Thank you.
- Look out for the holes.
Carlos. Carlos.
What?
Fix the hole.
Would you care
for a drink of water, Lorne?
Maybe you would like some tea.
Tea. I'd love some tea.
Mother, wouldn't you like some tea?
If it isn't too much trouble.
Oh, no, no trouble at all.
Well, I'll help you, Mother.
Oh, no. Carlos forget
to hook up the pipes.
It's all right, I'll get some outside.
Maria.
Will you please forgive the fuss?
We, uh...
Would either of you
like to use the toilet?
Oh, gee, look at the pretty light, Mom.
- Isn't that nice?
- Yes.
Oh, uh...
Maria, I want everything
just right for you.
You are my daughter.
I will do everything for you.
Oh, I know, Mom, it looks wonderful.
But Mrs. Hawkins isn't like that.
You don't need to impress her.
Well, we're sure doing it.
- What happened?
- Me.
He came up on her blind side.
- I'm afraid I forgot to introduce them.
- Here, fix this.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Mrs. Hawkins.
I'm sure Grandpa
didn't mean to startle you.
- Scare hell out of her.
- It was silly of me to scream.
- Mary.
- How do you do, Mr. Lightcloud?
- Chief Lightcloud.
- Chief.
Grandpa.
You stay away from me, old squaw.
Where is your new clothes, Grandpa?
Mail-order suit stink.
Wolf skin and blanket good enough.
It's very colorful.
Is different color on inside.
Grandpa.
Um, the tea is going to be ready
in a minute.
- Would you please sit down?
- Well, thank you.
And where is Joe?
I've heard so much about Joe.
- Did you tell him we'd be here?
- Oh, I told him.
- She told him to stay away.
- Carlos.
I imagine Joe's pretty busy, Mom.
I'm disappointed I won't have
the opportunity to meet him.
You'll meet him.
See what I mean,
couldn't get very far in that thing.
But, Joe, the motorcycle
could get us to Flagstaff...
...and they've got ministers there.
Attaboy, Joe.
Is Joe coming in?
He busy.
- Mrs. Hawkins.
- Thank you.
- Grandpa.
- Water? Ah.
Well, that certainly
is a lovely refrigerator.
Should be. Cost half a cow.
Half a what?
It is just a little family joke, you know?
Here we go again.
Now what?
Oh, my...! Oh, that's cold.
I'll see you later, maybe.
Mama, don't!
Oh, hello. Excuse me,
I'm sorry I can't stay.
Head for outhouse, Joe.
She not look for you there.
Mama, wait. Mama...
Mama.
Mama, will...? What...?
You go that way, I'll head him off.
You no-good, cradle-robbing...
...rotten, dirty bum.
It's all right. Mom?
Mama!
Hold it, baby, hold it.
Joe. Hey, you forgot me.
Joe.
Wait for me.
Looks like you and I just weren't
meant for each other, baby.
I want to thank you all
for a delightful afternoon.
- I'm so sorry, Lorne.
- Oh, don't be silly.
I didn't realize your family
had such a sense of humor.
Are you coming
back to town with us?
No, I think I'll stay here.
Where I belong.
Mrs. Lightcloud, Charlie, Grandpa,
it's been a gas.
I hope to see you all again
before I leave.
You got lot of guts, lady.
Hi.
Hi, yourself.
I'm sorry I fouled things up
the way I did.
It wasn't your fault.
I guess I made an impression
on Lorne's mother, didn't I?
Well, that's the trouble.
We were all trying to impress her.
- You wanna come inside?
- Hm?
Oh, yeah.
Have you talked to Lorne?
I wrote him a letter.
What does that mean?
I was wrong, Joe. I realize it now.
I'm what I am.
No amount of paint and fancy furniture
is gonna change it.
I don't belong in Lorne's world.
It's just time I stopped
kidding myself about it.
If you talked to him, I'm sure you'd find out
you're getting steamed up over nothing.
Nothing? Sure. Just a grandfather
who still wants to scalp white men...
Who cares if you live in Lorne's world
or he lives in yours?
If you love each other,
you'll build your own world.
Out of what?
You know what you are?
You're a phony, that's what you are.
- You like to feel sorry for yourself.
- Don't lecture me.
Not me. If I goof, I'm not gonna
sit down and lick my wounds.
I'm gonna get out and do something
about it. And fast.
Hey, Joe.
Hey, don't you say hello
to friends anymore?
Just like old times.
- Morning.
- I thought you was my friend, Hike.
You slugged me first.
I'm not talking about that.
I'm talking about that bull
you loaned me.
What about it?
- You said he won a bunch of blue ribbons.
- Well, he... Ha-ha-ha!
Well, he did, old buddy.
Well, he did.
For what? Unh! Sleeping?
He hasn't even looked at those heifers.
Heifers? You mean you wanted
to build a herd?
Well, what else?
What's so funny?
You being in rodeo,
I figured you knew.
Knew what?
Dominic the Twelfth.
He just happens to be the best
bucking bull in the Eastern circuit.
He ain't never been rode.
Is that a fact?
Wait a minute, hold it down.
Wait a minute, hold it down.
I'll say it again.
I'm willing to bet there's not
a man here that's cowboy enough...
...to ride this old bull of mine.
I got 10-to-1 that says
that he can't be rode.
Ten to one? You must be kidding.
- Is that to a standstill?
- Nope, to a whistle. Eight seconds.
- You putting us on?
- Lf I am, he'll throw you off.
- And I'll bet double that I can ride it.
- That part of the deal?
If I don't go the distance, you collect.
Help pay your hospital bill.
Let me have 100 of that.
Looks good, looks good.
Oh, hello, boys. Excuse me.
- We wanna talk with you, Joe.
- What about?
Oh, a little personal matter
we wanna settle.
- You've been going out with our girls.
- We seen you with them.
Darn near ran me down.
Well, uh, look, fellas...
...I gotta go.
We'll get him at the main gate,
after the rodeo.
- Hi, Joe.
- How are you?
Well, don't you two look cute?
What's the occasion?
Mamie's getting married.
- Oh, yeah? To who?
- You.
Right after the fair,
we'll meet you at the gate...
...drive over to Judge Nibley's,
and he'll issue a license or lock you up.
- Come on, Mamie.
- Bye, Joe.
Look at that, Joe. We got enough money
to buy every cow in Arizona.
Now, folks, you're not gonna
find the next entry in your program...
...but I guarantee you
we're gonna have a few laughs.
We have a cowboy who seems
to wanna give money away.
And some of our riders are gonna do
what they can to accommodate him.
Now, let me call your attention
to chute number three.
We present Dominic the Twelfth.
The world's most dangerous bull...
...if we can wake him up.
And now, folks,
we have a surprise for you.
To prove that Dominic
can really be ridden...
...and he's willing to put up
all his winnings to prove it...
...coming out of chute number four...
...the pride of Calgary, Cheyenne
and Madison Square Garden...
...Arizona's own Joe Lightcloud.
Take it away, Joe.
Hang on there, baby.
Mama, he could get killed.
He should be so lucky.
Joe, do you see me?
Get in there, Joe. Stay on there.
Cowboy Joe.
- Hey, we did it.
- We did it. Ha-ha!
That's all of the money in the world.
You did it. We did it. We did it.
Hold it, Bronc.
- Where is he?
- Now, listen...
...we were here first. Where is he?
Well, he'll be along soon.
He had to go by the first-aid station
to get something for, uh, rope burn.
He'll have more than that to
worry about if he tries to sneak out on us.
You wouldn't be trying to pull something
on us, would you, Bronc?
What you got in back?
It's just old Dominic.
Yeah, it's just old Dominic.
All right, I'm leaving.
Look, if you see Joe, tell him
I'll meet him downtown, will you?
Oh, Joe...
Joe wouldn't take off like that.
- Not without saying goodbye.
- Why not? He did it before.
Well, what are we
gonna do now?
Go to jail for sell government cows.
- Where is he?
- Out here.
- I say how to Lorne.
- Lorne?
Mary, I wanna talk to you.
Come in, Lorne.
Nice of you to drop by.
- Mary, will you open up this door?
- No, go away. I don't wanna see you.
Will you open up the door
and stop acting like a child?
Oh, no, she doesn't mean it.
She's just putting on a show.
Show gets better.
Here come congressman.
- Carlos.
- What?
- Carlos, let me do the talk.
- All right.
And maybe I can save you
from going to jail.
Carlos.
Charlie.
Mr. Congressman, Mr. Slager, hello.
I see you've made a number
of improvements in the house.
Well, I just added little Mexican
touches here and there.
There is a story
going around town, Charlie...
That your cattle are showing up
at the stockyards.
Now, I'm sure you can explain.
- Where is the herd, Charlie?
- I can explain.
Where is the herd, Charlie?
- They're out on the range somewhere.
- Right.
- Wrong. You tell us the truth.
- Mr. Congressman, I can explain.
Let him speak.
Uh...
He cannot speak.
Uh, where?
You've sold them.
This is gonna be very hard to explain
back in Washington.
He not so good explaining it here.
Just open the door and let me talk.
- Just for a minute.
- No, I won't.
Mary, you sent me that letter,
and it doesn't make sense.
- It does make sense.
- Mary, will you open the...?
Mary... Will you open
the door, Mary, please?
I'll have you all in jail.
You have destroyed our careers.
I mean, the governor's.
The congressman's.
It is entirely your fault, Charlie.
Selling government cattle
for your own personal gain...
...is an out-and-out crime against
the United States of America.
You're a disgrace to the Indian...
The Indian na...
Mary, I know you're in there. I can see you.
You can't get out the other way.
If you try and get out, I'll go around.
- What are you doing with my cars?
- Loan company told me to pick them up.
You tell them I'm gonna report them
to the Better Business Bureau.
Looks like you've got
a little explaining to do, Joe.
What about? Turning 20
head of cows into a hundred?
- Those are yours?
- Nope, they belong to my father.
Here's a bill of sale.
I'd say this makes you
the biggest cattleman...
...in the 23rd district, Mr. Lightcloud.
- Kind of makes you feel warm, don't it?
- Yes, yes, you could say that.
Come along, Mr. Slager,
we've got work to do.
Now, I want the newspapers
to know about this.
Photographs, interviews, the works.
We might even get the television station
in Phoenix to cover it.
This is the greatest thing
that could ever have happened to us.
Look at all the other people.
- Look at John Smith and Pocahontas...
- Oh, Lorne!
My son, my son.
My son.
Don't worry, Annie, things will get worse.
You better believe it.
- Will you...? Will you listen to me?
- Stop.
Ow! Mary.
Aah! Come on, come on.
I told you everything
would be all right. Look out.
We can eat again.
All right, judge, there he is.
Well, here we go again.
Come on, Joe.
- You come right here with me...
- Why?
...and stand over there. Right there.
Mamie, stand there and hold his hand.
Here, Bronc, take this,
and you go over on the other side.
All right, judge, let's go.
- Go? Go where?
- Highly unusual.
But I am empowered
under statute number...
- Joe, we have to get married.
- Huh?
I've never been so shamed
in my entire life.
What'd you tell her I did?
All we did was kiss.
Start the ceremony.
- We are gathered here...
- Wait a minute.
No wait.
- Keep going.
- Yeah.
Well...
I'm going now.
I'll see you around, okay? Bye.
- Aha! Mary!
- Aah!
Do you, Joe, take Mamie
to be your lawfully wedded wife...
...to love and to cherish
as long as you both shall live?
- No.
- Yes.
Now, this is highly improper, you know?
Uh, do you, Mamie, take Joe
to be your lawfully wedded husband...
...to love and to cherish
as long as you both shall live?
Excuse me, judge, I gotta run.
Pardon me, ma'am.
- Nice try, Joe.
- A man's gotta try.
If you don't open the door,
I'll break the thing down!
If you break it down, I'll hit you
in the head with a chair!
What do we do now?
Wait till they finish,
then we'll go on with the ceremony.
I'm afraid that's impossible.
Excuse me.
Now, that boy claims
that he only kissed your daughter.
- And l...
- That's right, and Mama said that...
Look, I'll decide.
That's right?
Is that all you did, is kiss him?
Mama, you said that if I kissed a boy,
I would get in trouble.
Mamie, you and me are gonna have
a good long talk about the facts of life...
...and you're gonna tell me
how you think it happens.
- What happens?
- Baby, dear, get in the car.
- Bye, Mamie.
- Bye, Joe.
Get up. Fight for honor of tribe.
Thank you, sir.
Mary, just open the door.
Mary, I love you.
Mary, will you come out?
- You all right, buddy?
- Yeah, that big clown stepped on...
Open the... Mary.
You can give me a hundred reasons why
it won't work, but I'll marry you.
You tell her, Lorne.
What are you helping him for?
We saw him out with your girl too.
- Oh, Joe, I'm sorry...
- That's all right. It clears the head a bit.
Hey, Lorne, get her out of here.
- Aah! No!
- I'm gonna marry you.
Let me go.
Mary, I love you!
Joe.
Where did he go? Joe?
Don't let Joe...
Joe?
I got him.
Don't let him get away.
Stop that Indian-chasing man!
Man, that's what I call
one hell of a fight.