Stay Tuned (1992) Movie Script

Douglas, I can't understand why you're so angry.
We caught the fish.
Ha ha.
A good-sized
I might add.
You just
don't get it, dad.
I don't care.
I never wanted to come here.
I could be in palm springs with wanda right now.
I'm stuck out here
Needs more butter.
Talking to the fish!
Murray, get the door!
I've grown out
of these trips.
I don't want to be the great white hunter.
Sorry to disturb you at this hour,
mr. Seidenbaum,
But you have been
personally selected
To receive a most...
Irresistible offer.
Giving me instructions
Like I was still
a little boy.
I didn't realize
you felt like this.
I'm surprised you didn't say anything before this.
Murray, what are you
doing back there?
My name is darryl knable.
I'm a normal kid
who led a pretty normal life...
Until that night.
It looks and feels natural,
Whether you're
skimming the surf
Or racing the wind
on a cruiser for two.
And remember,
we stand behind it.
I'm not only the hair club president,
But also a client.
In describing my dad,
several names come to mind
Bill cosby, alan thicke,
The brady bunch father.
My dad watched
all of them.
In fact, he watched
anything on tv all the time.
They say
the average american
Watches 71/2 hours
of tv a day.
If that's true,
there are two guys who never watch,
And my dad
took their times.
Perhaps I shall
one day.
You have some dispatches for me, captain?
I have some dispatches
for the queen.
Prepare to taste
corsican steel.
It's late.
Yeah, I know.
I'll be up in a minute, honey.
I'm thinking
of renting out
Your side of the bed.
Don't get me wrong.
I like tv just as much
as the next person.
It's just there are more things you can do with it
Than only watch it.
For instance, you can
also make money with it.
We interrupt this broadcast for a special report.
Young electronics
genius darryl knable
Has just won
the nobel prize.
Oh, you dipstick.
For secretly videotaping
his sister diane
French-kissing with
her boyfriend chris.
We're talking
tongues here!
For copies of this tape,
send $3.00 to...
Darryl knable,
1532 blue jay court
Hey, knable,
your kid's messing up my tv reception again.
And your dog's
messing up my dichondra.
Rivets didn't do that.
Then there's a brontosaurus loose in the neighborhood.
Bad dog. Bad, bad doggie.
I'm going to call
the fcc!
The fcc!
My mom was a big-deal
advertising executive
With a vitamin company.
My dad had this real suck job selling plumbing supplies.
I heard them
arguing one night,
And she said
he was suffering from
Something called
a mid-life crisis,
Whatever that is.
He said he wasn't.
She said he was jealous
of her success.
He said he wasn't.
They argued a lot.
So that's my dad,
Going to his
pretty normal home
After his pretty normal day
at his suck job,
Ready to watch his tv.
That brings us to that night
I was talking about.
That's when
everything changed.
I love you.
I don't care
who loves who
I won't play
the sap for you.
You killed miles, and
you're going over for it.
Wait, wait, wait.
Where are you two going?
Mom, remember?
Oh, right.
You're spending the night with friends.
No boys.
I am not a child.
Mm-hmm. You go directly to tracy's,
you understand?
Mom, you know my friend
billy stephan?
Well, his dad
moved out for a while.
Then his parents went away and
sat in a hot tub all weekend.
When they got back,
billy's dad moved back in
And things were all better.
Did you plan this so your dad and I could be alone?
We don't know how much
that hip bruise he got
Hi, helen.
I have an idea.
You know how proud I am of you pass it!
Let's go away.
Go ahead.
I'll be there in 4 minutes and 16 seconds.
Roy. Roy, listen.
Let's go away
like we used to,
To the mountains.
Just the two of us.
No phones, no kids,
no tv.
No tv?
They don't have tv
Is there a plug?
This is abnormal.
Honey, you're just
shutting yourself off
From everything
and everybody.
Are you having problems?
Isis it me?
Yes! No.
Isis it work?
Are you having trouble at work?
Of course not.
What makes you say something like that?
Shoot, you idiot.
The one thing we always
promised each other
Is that we would
remain honest.
We are honest
with each other.
You say
that I'm shut off,
Thatthat I can't
open up to you,
That I'm closed down.
O.K., well,
I'm going to tell you something
very important to me.
I'm going to be
completely honest.
I just don't want you to take this the wrong way.
Oh, roy, talk to me.
I can take anything.
We're in double overtime
Watch tv.
Thanks, sweetheart.
Could you move
just to
This is unbelievable!
You couldn't listen to me
for two minutes
Without that stupid television being on!
When I married you,
you were a doer.
Now all you are
is a watcher!
He gave it away to drexler.
Drexler fouled
at mid-court.
Oh, roy?
The tv!
I was afraid
You were keeping tina
out of pity,
But that wasn't pity
just now.
Now I know
you still love me.
It won't die,
what's between us.
Do what you will
Never happen.
Ignore it,
neglect it
No further developments
in the disappearance
Of murray and sarah
seidenbaum of oakview.
Police are still baffled and report they have no clues.
Your boring little life
Is about to become
Much more exciting.
Mr. Knable?
Sorry to disturb you
at this hour,
But you've been
personally selected
To receive a most
irresistible offer.
I'm busy.
Wait, mr. Knable.
I have something you want
From all your
failures and woes,
At the touch
of your thumb...
On this.
Go ahead.
Your new controller.
Your passport to the ultimate television adventure.
Cute place.
You fence!
Oh, I used to.
Did you ever, uh,
kill anyone?
Of course not.
Look, mr., uh...
At your service.
What exactly is it
that you're selling?
Mmm! Attractive.
The little woman.
You two
having difficulties?
Well, I don't see how
I know all about you, roy.
Success, it's like a fly buzzing around your head.
You reach for it,
you grab it,
And all you get is...
You're tired
of nothing, roy,
So you want to hide
from everything,
But she gives you heat,
Roy, wait till she
gets a load of this
600 and 66 channels
of heart-pounding,
Comedy! Drama!
Hot-oil aerobics
Like nothing you've ever seen, brother.
Unlimited entertainment,
snatched from the ether
And slammed into your brand-new 44-inch,
900-line resolution,
3-way expanded-matrix,
Dolby stereo tv,
right here, roy.
A new tv?
Straight from
the temple of high-tech.
Make this thing
look like a philco.
Some people would give
Their souls
for a system like this.
Just sign here.
We're in business.
II can't.
All right.
Good night, mr. Knable.
Did I mention, uh...
Free trial?
Well, roy,
all set for the tv adventure of a lifetime?
Now remember...
You'll have to
adjust the dish
To fine-tune reception.
Like this.
Enjoy your new system,
We'll be in touch.
Ha ha ha!
That was a dead end!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ho ho ho ho ho!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Now, honey, just
keep an open mind.
There's no obligation.
I got it on a free trial.
It's a whole satellite system,
over 600 channels.
I hate to leave you
but I really must say
oh, good night,
Wednesdays at 9:00...
The salesman said we'd get a lot of shows
You can't get
on regular tv.
I don't want this anymore!
We thought it would be funny,
If our bob, dressed
as a policeman,
Would tell
a perfect stranger
Her husband is dead.
Mrs. Cecily barth?
Your husband's name
was steven barth?
What do you
mean, was?
Did your husband drive
a 1978 chevrolet impala?
What are you saying?
Has something happened
to my steven?
Watch her reaction to the bad news.
I'm afraid so.
Ah! Aah!
It's all right.
I think it's time for mrs.
To be let in on the fun.
Mrs. Barth, look
across the street
At that van behind me.
Look really carefully.
Is that, uh...
It's a camera, yes.
Then... You mean...
Yes, mrs. Barth.
You're on...
Sadistic hidden videos?
And you're... Bob.
Ha ha ha ha!
I'm on tv?
Uhh! Oh, you guys!
The dish needs adjusting.
That'll improve
the reception!
Oh, yeah, roy?
how's this?
You receiving this?
Are you getting this?
Will you stop it?
I am leaving you, roy.
I want a man who'll touch me
rather than his remote control.
Please hang on
a second.
We have to talk!
It's too late
to talk!
Fasten your seat belts,
It's going to be
a bumpy ride!
Ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha.
And welcome back to...
You can't win!
You can't win!
Now let's welcome
our new contestants
Roy and helen knable!
Do you know
the rules of our game?
What game?
The game with these
great prizes.
Feast your eyes on this
The all-new nappa-crapper
You'll never have to
get off your fat butt again.
It has every amenity
A built-in color tv.
It adjusts to you
so you don't have to move.
No more trips to the kitchen
during commercials.
Better yet, no more annoying
trips to the bathroom.
Your television viewing
never has to be interrupted,
And of course,
win or lose,
Every contestant takes home
a set of encyclopedia satanica!
And now it's time to play...
You can't win.
Back to you, guy.
Roy, the first question's
for you.
On your last
wedding anniversary,
You missed the romantic dinner your wife had planned.
The reason,
acar trouble.
Byou were
running a marathon.
Cyou were in a bar
Swilling a beer,
watching... World series.
Car trouble,
just like I said!
No! Can you take it?
You were watching
That's right!
Trust me, babe.
You walked into the right place.
Very cushy down here.
You can cool your heels in here for the rest of eternity
If you
kiss the right ass.
These lips ain't calloused for nothing!
Ha ha ha ha!
Are you some kind
of comedian?
I once opened
for liberace in vegas.
This is
the jumbotron.
It's got all the bells
and whistles.
It's our
official scoreboard.
track of the sbis.
Souls batted in.
Ha ha ha.
Kind of a sports thing.
Time for the
seidenbaums, sir.
Punch 'em up.
The seidenbaums.
Yearning for
exotic locales.
This episode
takes them to tokyo.
They're having
a wonderful time
Starring in
their own movie.
It's the seidenbaums
The gigantic
stinking-footed lizard!
Sayonara, mrs. Seidenbaum.
That's entertainment.
Oh, he's good.
He's so good.
Ha ha ha!
Sir, this is pierce,
our new, uh, intern.
If you can't stomach
the sight of blood
It's not the blood
I find distressing.
It's your lack
of subtext.
Film school graduate.
Yes, sir.
I did my thesis on kurosawa and spike lee.
Pierce, let me educate you about our organization.
Here at hellvision,
We've turned the process
of soul acquisition
Into an entertainment
And all for the benefit of one
very demanding viewer below.
The boss himself,
And I don't mean
He has an enormous
appetite for misfortune.
It is our job to supply him with an eclectic offering
Of light amusements,
not subtext!
Don't go away, knables!
It's time for...
The final question.
What's that mean?
The pit!
The pit!
Yes, the pit!
And what's down there
today, jay?
Lots of slimy, crawly
bad things, guy.
Now you have
10 seconds
To answer the question
correctly, or be...
So the object's
to get to the end
The object's to kill them
before the end.
Take the knables,
for instance.
They just
checked in.
If they survive 24 hours,
they go back.
Part of our treaty
with the other side.
Kind of
a geneva convention
In the war
for souls.
Ha ha ha ha!
Name the person who's recently been seeing
A former lover.
Is it,
Or croy and helen?
I know, I know.
The former lovers we've been seeing are each other!
We'll be back with the knables' vacation round
Right after this!
How long do they
usually last?
Whether they go
quickly or not,
In the end,
they always join us.
You're forgetting that wiry little peruvian chap.
A mistake, mr. Crowley,
that won't be repeated.
Hey, it wasn't me
that loused up. Jeez.
Are you implying
that if was my fault?
I'm kidding!
You know me.
Always joking.
I think, mr.
Crowley, it's time for a little... Field work.
Why don't I
take you to lunch?
We can sit down.
We can
Oh, boy.
Hey, spike,
come on.
You know me.
Heh heh heh.
Chronic foot-in-the-mouth disease.
I don't want to
do field work.
executive material.
I belong
here with you.
Screw up in here,
and you're dead meat...
Dead meat.
Mr. And mrs. Knable,
It's time to find out
Where you go on
your fantasy vacation.
Door number 1
it is!
What is going on?
You're going on
the trip of a lifetime!
Ladies and gentlemen,
The main event
Mixed pairs wrestling.
No holds barred.
No transfusions allowed.
A battle to the death!
This has got to be
a dream.
It's a bad dream.
In this corner, roy
"the couch potato" knable
And his wife
helen the harridan!
I gotta wake up.
And the challengers...
The vilest and evilest duo
Ever to disgrace
a wrestling ring...
That ogre and ogress...
The gorgons!
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Calm down. Stay calm.
Couch potato, come on.
II think
he means us.
Excuse me.
We're not suppose to be here.
O.K. Everything goes
Maim, murder each other,
I don't care,
But keep it clean.
When the bell rings,
kill or be killed.
Do we look
like wrestlers?
We have no idea
why we're here.
I'm a senior product manager for a vitamin company.
Senior product manager?
I got a promotion.
Why didn't you tell me?
Roy, you know why.
Because my success
threatens you.
Your success
does not threaten me.
It does, too!
I've watched enough
wrestling to know
It's all fake.
No one
ever gets hurt
Not fake.
It's not fake.
Run for your life,
Helen, hold me...
Watch, mr. Pierce.
See how it's done.
The exhilarating end
of a tedious life.
Get up. Get up!
Here comes that gorgon girl
to finish the job.
Leave him alone,
you bitch!
I apologize.
You're probably really
not a bitch.
Roy, get up!
The gorgon's
in the seats!
He's history!
You know, for
a full-figured woman,
You really wear
that outfit well.
Help! Ow!
Whoa, nellie! Cat fight!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
This could be the end.
My hair!
Looks like
that pathetic loser
Isn't going to be
as easy as we thought.
What happened?
We won.
Or rather, I won.
All right,
you won, too.
Damn right.
And your success
does not threaten me.
It does, too.
Totally wicked.
Where's mom and d
oh, my god.
Dad must have gotten it last night.
How did james dean
really die?
Find out tonight on autopsies of the rich and famous.
The usual, sir?
Welcome to
northern overexposure,
The story of a young doctor
from new york
Who comes to alaska,
complains about everything,
And freezes to death.
Hello! Yoo-hoo, mister!
Stay away!
These are my holes!
Back off!
Oh, knable,
it's only you.
How does he know
our name?
Trying to find
a conduit out of here.
Yeah. A window
to the next channel.
If you think I'm spending
the rest of eternity here,
You're crazy!
Here it is!
Here it is!
This is it!
The shack!
Helen! Helen!
Hey, mom and dad
left us a note.
Give me that.
"Dear kids,
had to leave for a while.
"Will call tomorrow
to explain.
Love, mom."
The house to myself!
They did it.
They went away,
just like billy's mom and dad did.
And now it's your turn
to go away, dweebnik.
Shelley, it's me.
Guess what?
What are you doing?
Did you see that?
That dish,
it ate my bmx.
Is this some kind
of male puberty thing?
Let me get
this straight.
We've been sucked into
some kind of tv world?
Are you saying
that that salesman was
Mr. Spike
of the cathode ray,
Big brother
to the ungrateful dead.
If we ever cross
channels againho ho ho!
Roy, how could you?
I thought
I was buying a tv.
Oh! This is
just great.
This is great.
You wanted to live
in a tv fantasy?
You got your wish.
At least we're not dead.
Not yet.
Stay alive
another 15 hours
Bingo. Free pass
back to reality.
The odds
of making it are
Oh, my.
The cold's no place
for a stiff.
Oh, my god.
Don't panic.
I got us into this,
I'll get us out.
Your leadership skills couldn't get us out of a t-shirt!
I'll get it!
Hi! Hi!
Hi. Come in.
I don't believe in
out-of-body experiences.
That's because you hold
your emotions back.
Do not.
What do you think
of this color?
That's all right.
I don't think it really goes in here.
with the bars.
You can't really say
you're an expressive person.
What do you think
of this color here?
with the bars.
See? I told you.
Coming this fall...
row, row,
row your boat
gently down the stream
merrily, merrily...
These kids are
driving me crazy!
Wish there was some way
to shut them up!
For those long,
tedious car trips, you need...
The silencer of the lambs.
Driving will never
be the same.
Silencer of the pets
sold separately.
My bike.
That's my bike.
You saw a bike
like yours on tv.
So what?
Not a bike
like my bike.
My bike! Come on.
Stop it!
Leave me alone.
Look, there's
something else.
I found this on the ground near the dish.
Mom's watch.
It stopped at 10:30.
This is going to sound
totally crazy,
But I don't think
Mom and dad went to the mountains for the weekend.
Come on, diane!
Look, I'm sure it's nothing
to worry about, o.K.?
Now leave us alone!
Diane, whatever you do,
Don't go
in the back yard, o.K.?
Don't go
in the back yard!
If you'll excuse me,
I'm off
to warmer megahertz.
Going to find a channel
with sun,
Funny drinks with
those little umbrellas,
And maybe a dog track.
All clear.
Hey! Aah!
I'm already dead!
Save her!
We got to get
to that conduit!
Roy, it's getting worse!
Wait, wait, wait.
I got an idea.
Push! Come on, now.
There it is.
There it is!
Come on.
Wherever it leads can't
be any worse than this.
Couldn't be any worse,
huh, roy?
Oh, my god!
We're cartoons.
Boy, this is strange.
Strange? I'm
an animated rodent
Wearing high-heeled
running shoes.
The word "strange"
is somehow lacking.
At least we're safe here.
No one ever dies
in cartoons, right?
Ralph, I left
some food out.
I hope it doesn't
attract any mice.
Don't worry.
That new device is guaranteed.
No rodent stands
a chance in there.
Stay tuned.
How can you even think
of eating doughnuts
At a time like this?
Should I look for some oat bran?
I'm starved.
If you don't come down,
I'm leaving.
Where you going to go,
your cartoon mother's house?
I am warning you, roy.
Wow! These things are
as big as buicks.
I'm gone.
That's it.
I said we're through,
and we are through.
I can do better
on my own.
I am not a mouse.
I'm helen knable.
I have an mba.
I live at 1532
blue jay court.
I have two
beautiful children
Who I may never
see again.
Warningyou are trespassing
in a human habitation.
The penalty is death.
My doctor was right.
Doughnuts will be
the death of me.
Would you let go
of me?
You have to see this.
This will work.
It worked on macgyver.
What are you
talking about?
Can't you see?
It's mom and dad
in the cartoon.
Very funny, pus-head.
Diane, you've got to
believe me.
Kids, don't try
this at home.
I think we lost them.
For a mouse,
you, um, look pretty sexy.
Too bad you didn't like
the way I looked
When I was human.
I always did.
News to me.
I'm sorry.
Come out with...
Roy, turn! Turn!
Helen, wait!
This is one clever
I've watched
enough cartoons.
How would
an animated character
Handle this?
This will put a permanent
crease in his shorts.
Identify yourself.
I'll never get out
of here.
that's all, folks.
I've lost the feeling
in my arm.
All of a sudden,
I can't see anything.
Sundays at 8:00...
Where did he go?
Duane's underworld.
Duane's underworld.
It's partytime! Excellent!
Welcome to duane's underworld,
o father of lies.
I'm your
excrement host duane,
And with me as always is my
slightly decaying cohost garf.
Wifto! Wifto!
Party eternally, garf.
Party eternally,
All right.
Today we have a special guest,
A man who can't even
sell plumping supplies.
Shhyeah! Like no one
uses a toilet.
Mr. Roy knable.
o mighty failure.
Mr. Knable,
before we get started,
Tell me what you see
on this card.
I... War ship... Satin?
Now, I understand
You're searching for
your lovely wife helen...
Who I truly believe
you will find,
Because good always
conquers over evil...
In order to assist you
in your efforts,
We have located
a photograph of your wife
To show our viewers.
Where did that
come from?
She's a vixen,
mr. K.
Beezle-babe! Tent pole!
Lady knable,
we salute you.
And your daughter's
They're delectable,
too, man.
You creeps!
Uh-oh. Extreme close-up
on mr. Knable.
One more time!
I'm getting dizzy.
I could hurl.
No. Chew it back, man.
Now the red-hot-poker-
in-the-eye cam.
I'm black and white.
Hello. Testing, testing.
"Roy knable,
private dick."
Well, better than being
a public dick.
O.K., I'm in some old movie.
Must be on cable.
I've been watching
these things my whole life.
I should know
what to do.
Be like bogart,
like in the maltese falcon.
I'm on a case.
I got to find helen.
Got to find the clues.
Got to find out
how to use this thing.
Knable, you've dropped your gun again.
I know!
Roy, is that you?
Sir... Great news.
Your new class
of recruits
We've taken possession
of all of them,
Except two, sir.
Oh! I know that,
you postulating putz!
They've just been lucky,
that's all.
Have they?
You know, the strain
of your job
Must be tremendous.
Ever considered
taking a vacation,
Letting someone else take the
burden off your shoulders?
Someone else?
I'm flattered
you'd even think
I could fill
your shoes.
But I'm ready
to try, sir.
And now...
Get in shape with the exorcisist.
Come on, people,
let's get in shape.
Come on.
Make it burn.
Feel it burn.
Good, doreen.
O.K., everybody,
head spins.
With me.
Ready, go.
Very good.
Very nice.
I like it.
O.K., that's good.
Cool down.
Shake it out.
O.K., now vomit.
now there's a new beer just for you.
It's got no alcohol,
But it'll make you
act just like dad.
Give me another one, babe.
That's my boy.
Yogi beer. You'll be
just like your dad.
Get away
from the dish.
Darryl, what
is with you?
Get lost.
5, 6, 7, 8.
5, 6, 7, 8.
5, 6, 7, 8.
Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah!
what are you doing?
Oh, my god!
Guys, wait!
It's not my fault my brother's a creep!
You're pizza topping!
Wait. Mom and dad
are here.
They're home?
Well, not exactly.
See? That's dad.
That is not dad.
That looks like mom.
It is mom.
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Our parents are trapped
in television.
Oh, wow.
"Classy dame vanishes.
Last seen
at club seidenbaum."
That name is
Oh, my god.
Murray seidenbaum.
He lives
right near me.
He borrowed
my lawn mower.
Obviously, we're dealing with something
Of a supernatural
nature here, diane.
I mean, this thing,
it did not come from radio shack.
Yeah, so you're the smart one.
Think of something.
O.K., um...
What goes in a dish
and winds up on tv?
My bike...
Our parents...
Follow me.
Hey, not my stereo.
I need the parts.
Go downstairs
and watch them.
Keep track of them.
Ho ho.
Nice work, boys.
Glad you could
join me, mrs. Knable.
Didn't have
much choice.
Where's my husband?
Why worry about him?
I ditched my wife
five channels ago.
She happened to meet the
business end of a 50-ton reptile.
And I can tell you,
I don't exactly miss
dried meat loaf.
This is great here.
I don't ever want
to get out.
Outside, I was
murray the doormat.
In here...
Boss seidenbaum.
Brought my remote
in with me.
Gets too hotbam,
I'm on another channel.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You're not coming
in here!
Euh! Euh!
Well, look
who showed up.
Where's my
Hello, roy.
you're all right.
you look terrific!
Oh, really?
Hey, seidenbaum!
I'm taking over your business!
Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah!
All I wanted was to be
the big shot for once.
Take my remote.
Get out of here.
You two still got a chance of making it together.
There it is!
No, no, stay down.
This is my job.
Piece of cake.
O.K., ready?
Oh, my god.
I lost them.
The next item we have
for you on the...
Dad, where are you?
And now the all-new miniseries
about the french revolution...
The story of
the marquis de knable,
An enemy of the people,
Who wears a disguise
to escape the guillotine.
It's an epic drama of love,
danger, and cross-dressing.
You have boobs.
Oh, they're not mine.
Psst! Hey, knables.
Nice disguise.
Interesting concept,
diagonal boobs.
Could you fix
that thing?
Thought the wolves
got you.
Tell you something
about wolves
Goes without saying.
But not that bright.
While those dumb bunnies were
fighting over my appendages,
I managed to escape.
Liberte, citizen.
Vive la france!
to the people!
Ha ha ha ha!
Come on.
Personally, I think he's losing it.
What a pathetic
thing to watch.
Only 2 hours left,
and your 24 hours are up.
All you got to do is lie low.
Les cops.
Les cops.
I'll find a conduit
out of here.
Nice day for an execution, non?
Stay tuned for the final chapter of off with his head,
When the marquis de knable
finally loses his.
We got to jam.
Well, we've always
wanted to go to paris.
In the 20th century.
Since we're here,
we might as well make the best of it.
Make the best of it?
This is the french
People are trying
to kill you.
If we get out of this,
things will be different.
I won't just be
a watcher.
I'll be the man I was
when we first met.
You weren't blond then,
and you wore a lot less make-up.
Aim it at the center of the dish!
You are both
under arrest!
For what?
For being
too beautiful
And without
proper escort.
Ha ha ha!
more wine!
O.K. Tv's connected
to the dish.
Now we go
for contact.
There's no interference.
Nothing's getting through.
We need more power.
I'm going to cop
some juice.
Be careful.
This woman is not
who you think.
She is wanted.
Of course she's wanted,
you fool!
By me!
My cherie...
You inflame me.
I never kiss
on the first date.
Naughty boy.
This has been a kick,
fellas, but we've got to go.
No, no!
Come back here, sweetheart!
Keep your hands
off her!
Your hair's so beautiful.
May I have a lock of it?
Why don't you keep
the whole thing?
I tried
to tell you!
It's the marquis
de knable!
Enemy of the people!
I knew that!
Marquis de knable...
The guillotine awaits!
I would have
given you chocolates.
Kill the marquis!
Kill the marquis!
I'm telling you,
I'm not a marquis!
I sell plumbing supplies
in seattle...
Roy! Roy!
I love you.
You guys are making
a big mistake.
I'm not even a member
of this country!
Darryl, you'd
better hurry up!
Kill the marquis!
Hi, fellas,
I loved you in star wars.
Can we just talk
for a second?
Oh, my god. Holy
Oh! Could we
Any last requests?
How about the long version of stairway to heaven?
I'm afraid that is not where you are going.
Here, catch!
Wait! An innocent man's
blood is being spilled!
Good point.
Better back away.
This one, he could
be a gusher.
By order of the court...
Looks like spike's going to make his quota after all.
I deliver the marquis
de knable's soul
To its rightful owner!
Finally, he's mine.
How come he dresses
like a woman?
I do that sometimes.
Kill the marquis!
Dad, can you hear me?
Darryl? My god!
Right, god?
Tell the infidels
to release him.
What's an infidel?
I don't know.
Tell them
to release him!
Tell them!
Um... Um... Release
the marquis.
You heard him.
Get me out of this.
What's happening?
Who's messing
with my programming?
Youthe weenie
in black
You, dork
At the wheel
Yeah, you!
Release him!
I am the voice of
Oh, roy!
We beat spike!
We did it!
I would have given an arm and a leg to see this!
In fact,
I already did!
Ha ha ha!
No, it's...
Not possible.
Sir. Speaking
for the staff...
We'll all miss your kind words and inspiring leadership.
Ducker, contracts
There was a protest
Filed on the knable case.
A verbal contract binds only those
parties personally making the agreement.
Therefore, the contract can only be for one person.
You took two.
Yes! Yes! Oh!
Oh, you're the ugliest bitch in perdition,
But you gave me
a beautiful idea.
mr. Knable.
But, sir...
The contract
was for him only.
Masterful stroke, sir.
I don't get it.
They should've zapped
you two home by now.
You heard me...
Discharge mr. Knable.
Where's your mother?
My obligation is limited to those I have a contract with.
I fulfilled my end
by discharging mr. Knable.
His wife is still
Those who trespass into the system are on their own.
We'll sort out
the bodies later
After I kill them both.
How can we be sure
he'll come back?
Because he loves her.
He's a puss.
Oh, and I'll be back,
In case anyone's
feeling ambitious.
Well, time
to rock 'n' roll.
Oh! Oh!
Quite a radical weight-loss plan you've been on.
Yes. Ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha.
But, uh... Feeling
a lot, uh, better.
Ha ha ha!
Hello, mrs. Knable.
Mr. Spike,
at your service.
Where's my husband?
I'll take you to him.
Oh! Oh!
Howdy, ma'am.
Reckon the 3:10 to yuma
will be along any minute.
Funny thing, though...
It don't exactly stop here.
You're going to hit me
with a train?
What can I say?
I'm a sucker for a big ending.
You sadistic bastard.
Runs in the family.
My father was an oil company president.
Well... Have a good day, mrs. Knable.
This just in...
Helen knable
has been kidnapped
And taken to channel 1.
We take you there live.
Roy, wherever you are,
get your butt back here!
Unfortunately, her gutless failure of a husband
Won't lift a finger
to save her.
Right, roy?
He's going to hit me with a train and blow me up?
I want you both
to stay inside.
Make sure those doughnuts are ready.
I'll be very hungry when I get back.
Careful, dad.
Back to play
the hero, huh?
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Not exactly
Be about 6... 6'1".
Make your move,
Today, roy!
You missed me,
Captain, the ship has found itself
In an orbit
around hell.
The underworld
is hailing us.
I know you.
captain roy.
Our remotes
are synchronized,
So wherever
you go, I go.
Enjoy the attack.
G-g... Get us
out of here!
Phasers on, uh...
Holy shatner!
And just to show you
how effective
Our passenger
restraint system really is,
Watch this demonstration
at 110 miles an hour,
Where our driver dummy
has the benefit
Of seat belt
and air bag,
The other dummy
having neither one.
Neither one?
I can't watch.
Switch to mom.
Switch to mom!
Dad'll save her.
Ooh. Rrr!
No! No, wait!
Hey, lady, watch out!
Unh! Ahh!
Come and knock
on our door
come and knock
on our door
Where have you been?
We've been waitin'
for you...
My, my.
Now you'll never
get back to kansas.
En garde.
Oh, no sword.
Have to talk
to that prop man.
Right about now,
your wife is probably
Catching that train...
Right between the eyes.
And you let it happen.
Here it comes, dad!
I've taken
loads of souls...
And none more pathetic
Than yours, roy.
Say good night, gracie.
Not yet.
You see,
I was captain of my junior college fencing team.
All right. Co-captain.
I gave you escape
from your pitiful life.
I want it back.
All sales are final.
Not this one.
You got to start me
start me up
you got to start me up
come down
the "s" to the a-l-t
come down
the love
to the b-u-g
come down
the spin
to the d-a-rella
come down
s-t-double e-v-e
in the "p"
come down
The "p" to the e-p-a
come down
the idolmaker's
in the house, how ya know?
Come down
to the record lord
come down
wait a minute,
wait a minute, y'all
let's get serious
for a minute
y'all havin' fun?
I'm havin' fun,
everybody havin' fun
but you know
those times
when you
get stressed out
and you wanna
give up?
Everybody has a time
in their life
when things doesn't
always go right
it just gets harder
every day
and it makes you
wanna run away
then I wonder
when it will end
can I ever
be myself again?
Yo, I got hopes,
and I got trust
and I got you here
to start me up
I'm fed up, fed up
word up, dead up
gotta keep my head up
don't stop or let up
you're sleepin',
laid up
time to get
your bed made up
always gonna lose it
till your dues
get paid up
straight up, wait up
I'm not gamin'
or bluffin'
watch television
all day doin' nothing
poisoning your liver
looks like
you're ready to deliver
yo, salt, I think
he gets the scissors
start me up
you got to start me up
start me up
you got to start me up
start me up
you got to start me up
start me up
start me up
you got to start me up
start me up
you got to start me up
on the dial,
the people gonna fall off
the eeby deeby jam
coming at me, big mama
stoppin' at the period
and pause
upon the comma
the bis boom bit did
a drama for your fodda
tell me, rough
coach man workin'
I'm stuck
de-man-a man-a
lek-o lek-o
fix the collar
on a world, rah
the microchips
never fail me
start me up
you got to start me up
start me up
you got to start me
well, uh, well, uh
we-heh-heh-hell uh
you're caught
in the rain
but you forgot
your umbrella
what could you do
You're trapped in a cage like an ape called magilla
and now you're ready
to throw in the towel
that's kinda foul
you don't give a hoot
like a mute owl
that's not the way
I know you to be
you used to be
true to me
oo-ee, what you
used to do to me
start me up
you got to start me up
start me up...
O.K. You got
the remote. You win.
But how about
just pitching here
You and me
working together?
We could come up with
dynamite programming.
Chairman'd love it.
Knock him
off his hooves.
We'd be number one.
Of course, we are
the only one, but
You don't get it,
do you?
Without me, you
don't get out of here.
Sorry, spike.
You're cancelled.
You got to start me up
start me up
you got to start me
escape frequencies.
What are you doing?
I've trapped them.
It's not working!
Turn it off.
Turn it off.
Turn it off.
Turn it off.
What do you do when you want the tv to go away?
You turn it
We've lost them.
We're home!
Oh! Dad!
Oh! Oh!
Whoever left the gate open is grounded for a week.
Check that.
Whoever left the gate open gets double their allowance.
Look at that.
Don't get me angry,
you worm!
Get me out of here!
Put a lid on it, fido.
O.K., pierce,
what do you want?
Corner office?
Name on the door?
Hello, spike.
Heh heh.
You know,
you're a gentleman and a scholar...
A fine
corporate asset...
A man who I, personally,
like very much.
Oh, incidentally, spike,
nice of you to drop in.
Ha ha ha ha...
Ah... That's funny.
I get his parking space.
So what can I tell you?
My parents
got back together.
The only tv my dad
watches is 60 minutes,
And he started
a new job.
I guess you could call us
a pretty normal family.
That's if anything
is ever normal.
Who on earth
taught you that?
Uh, I saw it
on tv somewhere.
Some old movie.
Take my advice, kiddo.
Don't watch too much tv.
It can get you
into trouble.
O.K., fencers.
Class dismissed.
Me and that dude
is talkin'
baby, I just love
your body
can't believe the feeling
when you walk your walk
baby, we don't need
no party
you can taste it
if you don't like to talk
I used to have a woman
who was so shy
never spoke about
what she desired
now the door is open,
it's open wide
take a little peek
and find what's inside
baby, I just
love your body
can't believe the feeling
when you walk your walk
hey there, we don't
need no party
you can taste it,
if you want
baby, I just
love your body
can't believe the feeling
when you walk your walk
baby, we don't
need no party
you can taste it
if you don't like to talk
used to have a woman
who was so shy
never spoke about
what she desired
now the door is open,
it's open wide
take a little peek
and find what's inside
baby, I just
love your body
can't believe the feeling
when you walk your walk
baby, we don't
need no party
you can taste that,
if you want
warner bros. Inc.
Captioning performed by the
morgan creek productions, inc.
Public performance of captions prohibited without
do you want it?
Do you want it?
Do you want it?
Do you want it?
Do you want it?
Do youdo
you want it?
Do you want it?
Moon's out tonight
the doctor's
takin' a walk
the mic stalker
some dame did me wrong,
and I admit it
my temper was a fuse,
and you just lit it
and made me right
that on a saturday night
that I bit it,
the price is death
this is a row,
the fight for right
don't get hyped
this is my knife strike
no nob, no gun
took my vocals
through the mic
it's cold so I pack it
in my jacket at night
hey, I live by my mic
and die by my mic
no, I live to exist
and I never bid
on the great ride to hitch
and while you're dying
your son is cryin',
beggin' and yellin'
will I give you
pity? Hah!
Never would I with all
the trouble I'm in
until the devil eat heart out
cause I'm hotter than him
the other day kid was rockin'
on the corner alone
and I was stroking
my microphone
I heard him reciting somebody's record that was sold
though he was five years old
I had to adjust some more
teach him a lesson
no matter what the age
I'm on a rampage
on and off the stage
you wanna copy
of my record?
This is what you do
go to the precinct,
and they'll give you a few
the mic stalker,
stalker, stalker
I got a natural gift,
I don't sniff
for a little lift, boy,
my mother woulda whipped
I got accused when my mother gave me,
never gave me dope
to coke, she say,
just say no
it's criminal
or premature
it's premeditated
the mic stalker,
stalker, stalker