Staycation (2024) Movie Script
- You can help me.
- Well, my aunt
may have the virus.
That makes sense.
Scientists are in a mad scramble
to pinpoint the origin of this novel virus.
Meanwhile, the World Health
Organization has confirmed
infections are now present
in all continents, except Antarctica.
Hello everyone.
Welcome back to
"Partnership With the Arts,"
where we talk art.
With me is my lovely
co-host, as always, Mary.
Hello and welcome.
Right, so we are currently in our studio
following lockdown protocols by CDC.
You know, lucky for us,
it's just a stone's throw
away from where we live.
Right.
Is this virus real?
Or is this a global prank
designed to scare us all before Halloween?
Join me, Rob Peterson,
and find out.
So you're saying
this will all be over in a year?
It's a good sell.
We cut that time in
half, shine up the data,
up sell the effort, and
give the media a story.
It'll track well. We can make it work.
I did say this will be over in a year,
maybe sooner.
Good day, gentlemen.
Today on "Inside Look,"
I'll be speaking with
Professor Edward Bellows,
Director of the National Institute
of Allergy and Infectious Diseases,
and lead virologist in this
country's medical task force.
Professor Bellows, what
are we facing here exactly?
Is this a new strain of the flu?
Oh, if I had a dollar every
time someone asked me that.
It's not the flu virus.
This is new.
The initial symptoms are flu-like,
but after a week or two,
this virus begins to attach itself
to organs outside the respiratory system,
the kidneys, the spleen, the heart,
and that's when we get a symptom shift.
And what are the new symptoms?
We're finalizing the studies
and we'll release that information shortly.
We have reports here of symptoms ranging
from involuntary muscle
control to catatonia.
Does the virus affect the brain professor?
As I said, we will release
our official findings when we can.
Matt,
Matty?
Can you hear me okay?
Heaven have mercy, she lives.
I am so, so sorry, sweetie.
It has been fricking
insanity central around here.
I would so cry right
now if it wasn't hilarious
in a sad, weird kind of way away.
Were you worried?
Yeah,
a little bit.
I'm going crazy over here, Cath.
You're not calling me. What's going on?
And, and your text messages
have been really weird, and
what are you wearing?
Wait, wait, are you mad, because I forgot.
No, it's just been pure chaos.
They have block by block testing now
and it's paperwork this and paperwork that.
And then there's the protests and riots.
But those are mainly downtown,
so we just hear about them on the news.
I called, like I said I would.
I get points for that, don't I?
Yeah, you did.
And you do.
You know,
for a while, I thought
you didn't want to talk to me anymore.
Wait, this isn't a Dear John call, is it?
No. No, of course not.
Don't say that, Matty.
So they still got you
locked up in that castle?
It's not a castle.
It's, you know, it's more
of a mountain resort,
but starting to feel more
like a fortress, actually, now.
They're not letting you out?
No. Five star service though.
All on the local government's tab.
Are they feeding you properly?
Oh, it's miserable.
You know, my euro toast this morning
was buttered only on one side.
Fascists.
But I'd give all of this up for,
for Taco Ted's, in a heartbeat.
They're gone.
All of them.
The streets are all cleared out.
Even the brick and mortar
places are monitored, 24/7.
I have something that
might cheer you up, though.
Also, the reason I called,
other than how much I miss you,
you got this in the mail.
It's not in English.
What is it?
It's brandy, from the private reserve
of the local principality.
You know, it's fancy stuff,
but your Matty got the hookups.
Hold on, I got my own stash.
Well, this calls-
For a toast.
- Clink.
- Clink.
The World Health Organization
has recently theorized three origin points,
central Asia, South
America, and western Europe.
Can your department confirm this?
The information as of now, is accurate.
And this is something that's
been mentioned numerous times
by viewers on our program,
and normally I wouldn't
entertain such offbeat notions,
but I really feel that it needs to be
put to rest, once and for all.
Sure, ask away.
Can you factually state
that this wasn't manufactured
in a secret laboratory?
Miss Baxter, this is nature
at its absolute ruthless best.
Ruthless would suggest intent.
I apologize.
Nature is a perfect engine of evolution.
Morality is a concept we
assign to the world around us.
Of course.
So I'm assuming the answer is no?
A more apt answer would've been yes,
but no, this was not made in the lab.
It's a little strong for a beginner,
but once you've broken
in, it's as smooth as silk.
Perfect, isn't it?
It's kind of bland.
Bland?
Seriously?
No, really, come on.
What do you really think?
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. Easy there, sweetie.
Just, just take a small sip first.
You know, this stuff
burns like paint remover,
in a good way.
It is smooth.
Kind of reminds me of Evian water.
Did, did, did you just get out
of a big dinner or something?
No, I haven't eaten all day. Why?
You haven't eaten?
I don't know.
All of a sudden my Cath is knocking back
old world brandy like it's
Gatorade after soccer practice.
I mean, I don't know what to say.
It tastes like really expensive water.
It's good.
I wanna come home.
You have no idea how much I miss you.
I want you home.
Well, surely a breakthrough vaccine
is within the realm of possibility.
I mean, being this
country's lead virologist,
isn't it your responsibility
to take the fight to mother nature herself?
I mean, I personally wouldn't
underestimate our chances.
Thank you, my colleagues
and I appreciate that.
We are on the front lines fighting
and as of now, we are
expending our full resources
just to stop the spread.
The world is under lockdown.
Most nations have grounded all flights.
Police, and in some countries, soldiers,
are patrolling the streets,
just trying to restore order,
and everyone's doing their part.
Cautious optimism, at least, professor?
As a scientist, I go by facts
and at present they're not on our side.
If this is a game, the virus
is running out the clock.
I wouldn't suggest optimism in this case,
just caution, hope.
And for the antiquated faithful, prayer.
Perhaps a silver lining awaits us
down the road, Professor.
Thank you for your
time. It's been a pleasure.
We'll be right back.
Hon?
Tell me about the first time that we met.
This because of the, the turtleneck?
Well, the turtleneck,
that's, that's what you wore
the first time we met.
All right.
I'm warning you, I don't
tell it as good as you.
I'm gonna ruin the fresco.
No, you won't.
Whatever you say.
Someone has to tell the
grandkids when granny isn't herself.
So there I was, sitting inside O'Malley's,
all by myself after an
app date stood me up,
and you were with some friends.
They were making fun of me,
saying like, I deserved it or something.
And then you scolded
them and you walked over,
you asked if the seat
across from me was taken.
And I said, "no, it's available."
And then you sat down,
you introduced yourself.
You asked me how my night was going.
And I said, I just got stood up,
and I'm just about ready
to join the local monastery.
And then you said that not two days ago,
your fiance broke up with you.
And then you asked if there was a,
a convent next to my fictional monastery.
And five minutes into it,
you knew,
talking to this guy,
that it was the best decision
you ever made in your life.
I was the luckiest guy that night.
What else did I say?
That you spent two years
knowing how wrong a guy was for you,
and five minutes knowing how right one was.
And that was three years ago.
Best three years of my life.
Matt,
I need to tell you something.
That's your secretly a superhero,
with a liver made from dead Irish saints?
And we're clear.
That bad, huh?
I have five children, all grown.
I've served under four presidents
and I've been married to the
same woman for over 30 years.
I've seen all manner of hell and high water
that would strike the
fear of God into most,
but I never thought it
would compel me to do this.
Now I see what all the fuss is about.
I got it, Matt.
You, you got, you got what?
The virus.
Two weeks ago they ran a test and-
No?
I wanted to let you know.
Why, why didn't you tell me sooner?
They locked me in a room, Matt.
They took away my phone.
They took, who was
replying to my text messages?
I don't know, but it wasn't me.
No, no, no. I, I, I, I got,
I got, I gotta get back.
The doctors did
everything that they could,
but nothing worked.
One day, a professor came to see me.
He had been on TV several times, I think,
and he offered me something,
something new he'd been working on.
But he made no promises.
I said yes,
on one condition.
What?
That I get to see you again.
Remember me as I was.
Cat, Cat, Cathy?
What? Who, who, who are you guys?
20 minutes, 12 seconds.
That's 30 minutes more than record.
That's encouraging, isn't it?
What's, what's, what's happening?
What, what are you doing? What?
Where are you taking her?
Hey!
My condolences.
Hallelujah
First thing I did when
I got up this morning
was to slip on my velvet tracksuit,
and take a stroll around the neighborhood,
mask up, gloves on, beautiful morning,
blue skies with just the
right amount of cloud cover.
This is God's country
right in the heart of the city.
Good morning everyone, except Barry.
Good evening.
It is past my bedtime.
We've been doing this
for three months, Barry.
I'm just kidding.
Gosh.
It's actually my dinner time.
Terry, I thought we
weren't allowed to eat?
Well, you know the rules.
I'm just finishing up, Boss.
Mm, by the way,
here are the reports you wanted.
Two days early.
Eat away, Barry. Don't let me stop you.
Mm mm.
Hey, is that sake?
Yeah.
Hot sake.
Oh.
Oh, good for relaxing when
you've submitted reports
two days early.
Oops.
Marnie.
Good morning, Terry.
Morning, Marnie.
Slept well last night?
Like,
a boulder in Utah.
That's great.
Okay, since we're ahead, thanks to Barry,
I'd say we all deserve the
rest of the day to ourselves.
Good job team.
Come on Marn, have some shame, will you?
What? It's just your boss and coworkers.
Just,
dress appropriately.
Point taken.
Meanwhile, the followup
from the "Inside Look" interview
with Professor Bellows continues.
You were saying?
They deliberately skewed
the data to cause global panic.
The numbers are nowhere
near what Bellows is claiming.
He's thrown in the towel way too early.
But what about all those infected?
I've seen 'em, around
the mall, the grocery store.
Heck, my brother-in-law is one of 'em.
No one's claiming it's a hoax.
It's real, and so is the flu,
but enough with the gloom and doom
when the stats don't bear that out.
Maybe he knows
something he's not telling us.
He's a government stooge.
His job is to tell us
everything and anything.
He's just a pessimist that
got caught up in his own data.
I wish everyone shared your optimism.
More people do share my optimism,
they just don't have the soapbox
the good doctor and myself have,
so they're not being heard.
They need to get out
there and tell it like it is.
Things are getting better.
We'll get through this bug in no time.
Hey, you'll get no rebuttal from me.
Nor me.
Polls go up. Polls go down.
Never miscommunication.
No one can explain how it all works.
What's that old adage?
As the polls go, so goes the nation.?
Well, the nation experienced
a little bit of a seesaw ride recently.
Early polls show the majority of the public
seriously thinking about what
lead Research Professor Edward Bellows said
in his interview on "Inside Look."
Many believed the
professor's words were meant
as a call to arms to try to
bring the nation together
to resolve this pandemic.
Then the contrarians hit the airwaves,
accusing the good professor
of peddling a dire, end times outlook
as if skirting his responsibility
to the people in this country.
And then we see the
polls take a sharp turn.
Does this mean anything?
As of one hour before airing,
the trains are still running on time,
TV ratings are stable,
and so is the National Consumer Index.
Are we unphased by this pandemic,
or are we slow on the uptake?
Let's examine a series of
polls that'll show us exactly
where the pulse of the nation is.
Pandemic got you down?
Not getting your daily dose of sunlight
like the good doctor told you you should?
Don't keel over.
Get your daily dose of
Klown Vitz Big D today.
Big D contains a huge dose of vitamin D
to shoot that spunk back into your life.
One easy to swallow
Big D is all it takes.
That was easier than I thought.
It's like sunlight raining
down all over you.
Big D for everyone.
Big D.
Huge D.
Big D gives me the
jolt I need to pop back up.
I swallow Big D every morning.
I gulp down Big D
right before I work out.
And right after my swim.
It's easy to swallow.
Big D, Big D.
Klown Vitamins Big D, available at all
good pharmaceutical stores nationwide.
Japan is making gains
in vaccine research,
and we most certainly
shared any new findings
with our American allies.
Thank you Dr. Serizawa,
for all the work you're doing
in a race for the cure.
Thank you.
And remember,
face masks saves lives.
Oh yes. Just like our own mask, Professor.
That's the "Nightly News" this Wednesday.
Thanks for watching.
My name's Diandra
Walsh. Have a great night.
Let's try something new.
Aw, I kinda like our brand.
Hi. Oh no, you don't want that.
Here, pay it forward.
Thanks.
Dude, it's a sign.
Mm, I don't know, Marn.
You literally just had your own
personal coffee angel
encounter, and you don't know?
Okay.
Aw, they're out of the
good stuff. It's all generic.
It's the same thing.
They make it all in one factory,
slap different labels on it.
It's just brand markups.
Yeah, but the branding
makes it taste better.
I'll give you that.
Hey Liz.
Hey Marn, I know your schedule
is free and clear until the
end of time, so no excuses.
Party at my place tomorrow.
Did you see that there
are new curfew patrols
from here to the west side?
I am sending you a map
to avoid all the roadblocks.
This urban planning sophomore from USC
sent it to me through Discord.
Major simp if you ask me.
Liz?
Also, Lance and his
college buddies are coming.
No, look, I know this
whole lockdown is stupid,
but can we just hold off, okay?
Ugh, what evs
Grandpa, invite is still open.
Wear that sexy red skirt.
And bring that sexy dork you live with.
Yeah. Goodbye Liz.
What'd she call me?
Environmental seal initiated.
You made yourself quite a
few fans with that little stunt.
It was just a little honest
outreach to the electorate.
You're gonna cause panic.
- Did I?
- Not yet.
It's the province of pundits
and reactionaries now.
I just threw some
meat into the lion's den.
You bought a week of distraction for us.
Yeah, but what if the vaccine backfires,
and everyone goes, oh,
World War Z on the uninfected.
I mean hypothetically.
No problem.
I was trained in acute space awareness.
It's like a 360 degree radar.
Nothing gets my.
I think we lost Zach's feed.
If that happens, we
initiate SEP barrier protocol
Alpha Epsilon 13.
I volunteer my mom's place.
She's visiting her sister in Argentina
and won't be back in a while.
Besides, I've got a fully stocked pantry.
Yeah, we just wait
out the initial stages,
keep a low profile,
then have a six week buffer
period before we venture out.
Well that sounds good,
but what about the weapons?
What, like real guns? I'm a pacifist.
I think I still have a
hockey stick from college.
Are foam nunchucks weapons?
I'll bring the coffee.
Oh yeah, yes yes, definitely,
definitely bring the coffee.
But do you guys see,
do you guys see why
this is all hypothetical?
We would be eaten in a New
York minute. What good is dead?
What, what have I missed?
There's still no
but seems to be transferred
when coming in contact
with blood and bodily fluids.
The virus seems to be making
people uncontrollably violent.
And also-
Hello, my little pumpkin pie.
For heaven's sake, Mom.
Hello, my little pumpkin pie.
See what you did?
Knock it off everybody.
There's only one in this household
who can legitimately use that term,
because he speaks the gospel truth.
Ain't that right, my little pumpkin pie?
Dad.
Have you been wearing your gloves
and your masks when you're outside?
Of course.
Not with that again.
Hey, you live your life the
way you want, okay pumpkin?
Don't let anyone tell you different.
All this is just a big
bag of government BS.
They're gonna take
over our lives. This forces-
That's enough, honey.
Okay, be careful.
Remember, your room is
just the way it is when you left.
Mom, I'm, I'm good.
Okay, well, it's entirely up to you.
Got it, mom.
Oh, take care of yourself, honey.
Take care of yourself, honey.
Goodbye, Billy.
So you're dripping in chic Forever 21,
sashaying down the runway,
and everyone sees your ugly-ass
mask and proctology gloves.
Come on Anngelica, you say,
there's a pandemic going on.
Cut me some slack.
No way, sister.
There's no excuse for raggedy fashion.
Color coordinate. Mask on
top, gloves on the bottom.
I'm gonna spill the beans
on making you fashionable
and the envy of all those common people
in line at the supermarket.
Yet another night as
police break break up
an unauthorized party being
held at an upscale seaside town.
Party goers are seen
fleeing in all directions.
Several dozen were arrested.
Earlier reports of shots fired
turned out to be party poppers.
You can add a sweetener of your choice.
For me, it's a dash of organic agave syrup
and maybe a little collagen
creamer if I'm in the mood.
Whatever makes your tea taste good.
That sounds really good.
I definitely can't do coffee anymore.
I'm wired enough, especially
with all that's going on now.
Well, that could go good with chamomile.
Now, this is not a cure.
Go to your doctor if you have symptoms.
This is just a tea that
can elevate your mood while
you're cooped up indoors.
I added a little whiskey
to that tea recipe you gave us last week.
Oh, how did that make you feel?
Drunk.
She spends most of her day
keeping the house tidy.
Her son Walt stops by
occasionally to help out.
I try to keep busy.
Yes, this place is spotless.
Thank you.
And this is my wonderful son Walt,
who drops by as often as he
can to check on dear old mom,
make sure everything is okay.
And he's a fabulous cook, chef.
Yes, I'm a chef.
I work the kitchen, and sometimes I stop by
to do a little kitchen
magic for you, right?
That's right.
Have the authorities visited you?
Often, all the time.
But, they're great and they realize
that we have the situation under control.
I have documentation.
This is permission from the HOA.
That seems to be in order.
The situation she's referring to
are the two infected family members
she has wandering in her backyard.
Well, I've had the backyard
completely sealed off.
There's no access whatsoever.
We follow strict CDC guidelines
and we take all the necessary precautions
whenever we go out to check on them.
Additionally, the recently passed
Wanderers' Rights, championed by the ACLU,
prevents authorities from removing
people without their consent.
This is Vanessa, Cynthia's
next door neighbor.
She runs the local
Neighborhood Watch Committee.
Yes, I do. I run the
Neighborhood Watch Committee.
How many members are there?
I am the Neighborhood Watch Committee.
Vanessa takes it upon herself
to watch over the street
and the welfare of the residents.
There's a lot of suspicious activity
going on all around here, okay?
You never know what
funny business is happening,
especially,
my neighbor's house.
I have called the cops over and over again.
They come, they look around.
They have some of my delicious brownies,
obviously, 'cause they are delicious.
And then they take off.
They don't do anything.
My husband and I, Joe,
we're afraid to go out to
our backyard anymore.
We live in fear that
something's gonna happen
and that those things over here
are gonna come into our house at night.
I've lived here for 17 years,
and I have yet to see anyone
in that dump she calls a backyard.
My kids, they just
stay in the house all day.
They cry in their sleep. They
never go out into the yard,
all because of, that.
Kids? She doesn't have kids.
Well, I call my cats my kids.
They're just like children to me,
Rupert and Archibald.
Cats? She doesn't, she has no cats.
This is a health hazard.
Those things need to get locked up.
This is ridiculous.
I can't have this kind of neighbor
with those people roaming around.
Shut up.
What kind of bullshit are
you telling these people?
Well, it's a health, it's
a health hazard, okay?
It's a health hazard to
the whole neighborhood.
Everybody knows it.
Health hazard? I'll give
you a health hazard.
Bring it on, grandma.
That's it, bring it on. Bring it on.
You know what?
She's gonna attack me
with a pitchfork, everybody.
You idiot.
My house.
Ladies, please.
If you're going to be that
close, please be considerate.
Resume.
Stop, you're not married.
You know what?
Back up lady or I'll stick
this where the sun don't shine.
Even on the quietest streets,
one can find a certain level of excitement,
round the corner.
We now go live with lead researcher
and virologist from the Indian government,
Dr. Rani Roy has some
amazing news to share with us.
I believe we're experiencing
some technical issues.
We are going to cut to a commercial break
before returning with Dr. Roy.
And we are off.
Chuck, what happened?
India cut the feed.
First Dublin, now Mubai?
Any word from Professor Serizawa?
Nope, and no one's returning our calls.
What about our interview with Belgium?
I think Antwerp ghosted us.
Kenya?
Nairobi's dust in the wind.
What in the world is going on out there?
Why are you even sunbathing?
Hey, I gotta get one form of vitamin D.
Right?
Hmm hmm. Bless that good Samaritan.
Oh hey, how are your folks doing?
They got out of the city,
went to my uncle Pete's farm.
He's kind of a doomsday
quack, so they're it.
Mom wants me to come home.
Like, what good is that?
She just misses you, and
your fun pumpkin energy.
No, she's scared. She thinks
the world's coming to an end.
Didn't you hear the world's been ending
since religion was invented?
So like,
1800?
Hey.
Alien spores from outer space.
I'm not saying that's a
hard-to-swallow premise, but
Listen, and this is legitimate science.
They teach this stuff to
school kids all around the world.
Panspermia, look it
up. It's how we got here.
This contagion, you're
saying it hitched a ride?
Bingo, you know the comet,
zipped by Earth, missed us by that much.
I think that much is
a couple million miles,
but I see what you're saying.
All right, tracking
station outside of Canberra
picked up comet debris coming toward earth
just as it zipped by.
That was a year ago, one week from today.
This was just a cosmic
ET returning for an encore.
And this was all revealed
to you from that acid trip?
No, no, no, no, no.
I mean, this was
ayahuasca in Iquitos, Peru.
The universe laid out this in front of me,
the whole plan.
Cosmic blueprints, man.
Have you ever tried DMT?
Anything new on contact
tracing an origin of this thing?
Inconclusive.
Tracks go cold at all major
international travel hubs.
It's like chasing a ghost.
Is your team prepared
for another go around?
Ready, as always.
Okay, the next batch of
antiserums are near ready.
Let's just hope lady luck graces us
with a favorable outcome.
Get ready to suit up.
You got it boss.
I will devastate this city
and make it an object of horror and scorn,
all who pass by will be
appalled and will scoff
because of all its plagues.
Ah, give me a break.
Every time we get hit with a global crisis,
these nut jobs come
slithering out of the woodwork.
You wanna make your case?
Expound on the mosaic law of germ theory,
washing the hands,
quarantine to limit spread.
That's science we can all understand.
But no, these idiots always default
to the end of the world scenario.
Listen pal, it hasn't happened
since the first century common era,
and it isn't happening now.
A friend of mine tells
me they're converting
those abandoned shopping malls
into housing centers for the infected.
They look like cramped office
cubicles minus the furniture.
Why keep your infected at
home when you can send them
to one of those care
facilities for a low monthly fee?
Whoa.
What's wrong? What happened?
Stay away from me.
Come on, come on, come on.
Give me some more.
Did you look for batteries?
Be sure your hands
are clean and free of dirt.
Did you wash your hands?
Britt.
Okay, look for the light, the parcel light.
There's no light. Oh, okay.
Place your thumb over the symbol.
You will feel a small prick.
Britt, seriously?
Sorry, Marn.
If the light turns green,
you are not infected.
If the light turns red, you are infected
with the NIX virus.
Please log on to for further instructions.
Okay.
Did you feel small prick?
Yes, Britt.
Okay.
Oh, thank God.
Oh my gosh.
Okay.
Hey mom.
Hi honey.
How are you? Did I wake you?
No, no. I'm up, I'm up.
Had a bit of a scare
yesterday, but false alarm.
Pumpkin, your dad isn't feeling well.
We think he might be infected.
What? Did you guys take the test?
And?
Dad?
The test is fake.
It's just the government messing with us.
Daddy is fine, pumpkin.
It's just a little head cold.
Your mom made me one of her hot toddies
and I feel better already.
Yeah, I'm gonna beat this.
We put him in the backyard just in case.
I know Dad isn't a big fan
of wearing masks and gloves, but.
Oh, dad's the only one
with that chip on his shoulder.
Please be careful mom, please?
Okay.
You got careful from me,
but you take care of yourself.
I love you.
I love you, too.
I've camped out patiently
for the better part of the week
to procure this heavenly box
of promoted Zombie Zingers.
A show of tempted tasting
to visually convey my opinion
of this thoroughly breaded chicken slice.
I detect a generous dusting
of a culinary lab research
Texan or Louisiana dry
rub within the crisp breading.
I sense this sauce cup
might be unnecessary,
but the flavor from the tender alone
will sufficiently satisfy by my taste buds.
But, we shall see.
I must say, for a food product inspired by
the countless hordes
wondering aimlessly about,
it surprisingly tastes
vibrant, but more so, exciting.
I failed to mention they
were out of regular tenders,
so I was forced to get the spicy tenders.
And my assumption,
I had an unopened can of
sweet beverage in my car
has proven wrong.
Help, help!
Here goes nothing.
Hmm it's,
wow.
That's, that's pretty good, that's,
hold on.
Okay.
That actually, that does have a,
that does actually have
a little bit of a kick to it.
Needs garlic.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hot a lot!
I've been reading about how
fast this virus is spreading,
and even about people
who are holding protests over the wearing
of personal protection equipment.
How many times do I have
to hammer this point home?
The virus is not a hoax
created by the government
to control the populace.
It is a real pathogen
with devastating effects.
Look here.
Have you seen this?
Do you believe the level of lunacy
that is going on out there right now?
Hug a wanderer?
These people have lost their minds.
I don't know.
Maybe this is nature's way
of weeding out the stupid.
It was saber tooth cats before,
and now we have the next virus.
Part of me just wants to
watch natural selection play out.
But another part of me, a
bigger part of me, wants a cure.
So come on, big pharma.
Hurry up with it already.
The world is waiting.
Oh, we've taken so much
blood out of this poor child.
Our entire research is based solely
on the serum's response to her.
She's the key.
We draw the amount we
need and not a drop more.
The answer is in there, somewhere.
Any updates regarding
the nasal labial folds
and the loosening
of the lateral supraorbital
skin and ptosis?
It's a unique morphology.
That's why she looks
different from the rest.
We think it's from the feedback
that we got when we
gave her the first injection.
We're still crunching the numbers.
She's the only human test subject
that has shown a positive
response to the serum.
Jansen and his team are
going in for another trial run.
Hmm.
Hey Britt.
No, that trick works only once.
They aren't that spicy.
Get a load of this guy.
He gets trapped in a European
mountain resort, escapes,
and is now trying to
find his way back here.
The American Embassy tells
me to go back to my hotel room
because there's nothing they can do.
I'm not doing that.
I'm gonna find a way home.
I love you, Cath.
And they've locked down all flights,
incoming and outgoing.
How's he gonna get back?
Well, if he's lucky, he won't.
Sure they're working on a
cure, or a vaccine, whatever.
Whether or not they come
up with one is beside the point.
The question is, what is the price
all of us are gonna have to pay for it?
For those wandering around
in their homes and on the street,
what is the price they'll
have to pay for the cure?
For us, the healthy, what is the price
we'll have to pay for the vaccine
so that we don't get infected?
Everything big brother does,
eventually the bill comes due.
Feeling blue with nary a clue?
Can't get excited while
you sit on your couch all day?
Don't throw in the towel just yet.
I need zinc.
I need my zinc,
Scoops and Mischief style.
We all need zinc.
Zany Zinc contains a large dose of zinc
that'll make you get off that
couch and salute the flag.
Don't go scarfing down a peck of oysters
or a bushel of asparagus.
Garlic cloves? PU.
No date for you tonight, mister.
It takes a teeny tablet once a day.
Don't let the size fool you.
It's got it where it counts.
This is it? I didn't feel a thing.
Did I say, it's easy to swallow?
I take one before turning on my laptop.
I take two when I'm feeling blue.
It's like blocking with a big stick.
That's so slick.
Klown Vitamins Zany Zinc,
available at all good
pharmaceutical stores nationwide.
This is medicinal wine.
Just uploaded the recipe
to the live chat.
There you go.
Okay, now you can source
most of these ingredients
at your local grocers, but
I've included a few
websites for you indoor keyboard warriors.
Now, I have to caution
some of you tenderfoots,
this is really strong medicine.
What type of wine do you recommend?
Okay, well, you're free to
use any wine that you'd like,
but of course I always infuse
my herbs in a bottle of
Soothsayer, courtesy of Desperada Winery.
Let's start off
with a very promising one
from Tabitha Musgraves.
Tabitha Musgraves, medicinal wine.
A glass of wine of your choosing.
To that we will add in the following,
a pinch of oregano,
a pinch of turmeric,
a dash of cayenne pepper.
Swirl and mix.
Now, one question we've
been getting a lot of lately,
is healing our brothers and sisters
who have supposedly
succumbed to the NIX virus.
But really I think they're
just looking for any excuse
to drink before breakfast.
Even Jesus showed us
he preferred wine to water
when he turned water into wine.
Paul does say, "Drink no longer water,
but use a little wine
for thy stomach's sake
and thine often infirmities."
If you're one of our
regular fans and tried it,
we invite you to comment below
on what you thought of this remedy.
Well, I am sure
the more you drink, the better it tastes.
Oh, I'm sure it's killing
something inside of me.
Definitely tastes like an Eastern remedy.
So we invite you to sit back and enjoy
the added nourishing and tonic benefits
while getting protection
from the supposed virus.
And stay tuned for further episodes
as we explore other tonics
from our collective mind
to heal and promote interconnection
with our brothers and sisters.
Fellow warriors, these
are challenging times.
We can't train together like we used to.
And now we train like true ninjas,
alone.
Introducing my online Ninja Academy.
Train online and at your own pace.
Don't let the pandemic stop you
from becoming a true ninja warrior.
I've seen the virus consuming us all.
Behold Griselda the Necromancer.
Witness her grand plan to
solve this blight upon the land.
We intend to cast a
spell when the time is right.
A spell so powerful,
it'll bring on the legions of the undead.
It'll bring them under our control
and they will obey our commands.
It will be the end of the apocalypse.
And, we will provide the survivors
with a workforce
that will be incredibly large
and incredibly obedient.
Let it be known that the Necromancer
can indeed solve this
country's labor shortage.
What was that?
Today I want to talk to you
about Tabitha Musgraves.
Now, Tabitha is a social
media influencer, that's fine.
She has the right to sell
things on her channel,
but there is absolutely
no evidence whatsoever
that her medicinal wine has any effect,
except to perhaps
throw off your equilibrium.
There's a pandemic going
around, that much we know,
but it's a small town.
We got more cows than people.
We get truckers stopping
for a meal at Nancy's,
and that's about it for visitors.
Mostly, peace and quiet,
just the way we like it.
What are you still standing there for?
You done chopping the firewood?
Churn the butter?
Just why don't you go clean out the pigsty?
I just showed it to you last week.
And what did I tell you about posture?
My second cousin,
takes a trip to the big city,
comes back looking like that.
Lord have mercy.
Dad, I know what time
it is there and you look it.
- Hello, Dr. Bellows.
- Caught your interview.
- All of it?
- Just the highlights.
It didn't seem to
have the effect I wanted.
People are stubborn.
How are your brothers doing? Any word?
- Just call them.
- No, I don't want to do that.
I don't wanna bother them,
because they're out there in the field
serving their country.
I heard from David last week.
He's setting up mobile hospitals in Uganda,
and Tony, well, he's doing
secret stuff like always.
Well, how's the Little Creek
Children's Hospital doing?
It's a regular hospital now, dad.
Erin, is there anything I can do for you?
I can make calls.
We're doing fine.
The town's volunteering.
I wish I had some
encouraging words for you.
There's no need.
You just keep doing what we do.
David, Tony, me, you taught us that.
Hey, if they happen
to call or they text you,
you tell your brothers that.
- I will.
- And you too.
Hey.
- What?
- Someone's in front
of the house.
Quit it, Britt.
I'm too lazy to get scared.
I'm serious.
Shit.
Is the door the locked?
I don't know.
All lines are busy. Please try again.
Why am I not surprised?
- Crap.
- What?
We're sitting ducks in our own home.
I have to pee so bad.
What's going on? How's it going over there?
Your in administration. Got it.
Come on. Is this going to work?
Come on, Jansen.
Fortune favors the bold.
Do you always crack
a wise-ass remark when we do this?
Yes, yes I do.
What's going on?
Massive allergic reaction.
That's an understatement.
All right guys, let's clean this up.
We need more help.
And this is yet another challenge,
and a reminder of just how
volatile mother nature truly is.
Now this, this, this virus
is a zoonotic pathogen.
It it hops from an animal species,
most probably a farm
animal, bred for consumption,
into a human host
where it restructures its code
in order to optimize spread among humans.
Now, I have said this countless times.
We are not designed to
feast upon the flesh of animals.
Nature's giving us a
righteous dressing down.
Speaking of, I have got
a vegan dressing recipe
that'll make horse hay taste
like manna from heaven.
Psst.
Before Scoops and Mischief figure it out,
here's the deal I'm gonna
make for you good folks.
Fancy some D, get some zinc free,
or the other way around.
Whatever works.
Take them at the same time,
and show the virus who's the boss.
But don't tell Scoops and Mischief
'cause they'll challenge
you to a dance off,
and you know clowns can get down.
Klown Vitamins Big D, Zany Zinc,
available at all good
pharmaceutical stores nationwide.
Hm.
The Chinese national archeological team,
along with select researchers
from all over the world,
gathered around the ancient sarcophagus
while a single worker
pried it open with a crowbar?
Researchers from all over the world
returning to their respective countries
carrying the NIX virus.
There you have it, ancient virus.
Not a peep from the mainstream media.
The CDC still debunks
the ancient virus theory.
What are they hiding?
What was buried with that mummy
in that sarcophagus 4,000 years ago?
Was it a prison for the virus,
just waiting for us to
unwittingly unleash it on the world
4,000 years later?
Now, the truth is in the shadows,
and I have the flashlight.
I've warned you about
it for years and years.
They take regular harmless little virus
and turn it into some unstoppable
freak of bloody nature, mate.
Then use it to scare the population.
Well, you gotta snap out of that people.
Time to wake up.
Try to keep up.
It's population control.
That's how they get to do
whatever the hell they want.
That's how they pass the
laws, no questions asked.
Well, I'm telling you lot,
some of us don't frighten so easily, eh?
We're bloody ready, mate.
We've always been bloody well ready.
Well, I like this one.
What do you think, Marn?
Sure.
Sorry, this baby's spoken for.
Oh, okay. What about the one before?
This one?
Yeah, yeah, we'll take that one.
Sold her about two weeks
ago to a girl from Ohio.
Listen, all of our guns
are pretty much sold out.
I mean, we're on a back
order for like three months now.
What?
Well, why didn't you start with that?
Well, I didn't know you
wanted a gun right now.
Well, that's the point, isn't it?
All the gun stores are
out of guns and ammo.
Is that a surprise to
anyone with what's going on?
You wanna get things done right and proper,
then you're gonna have to wait.
Great.
That's just great.
It's karma.
When you want one,
there's none to be found.
Oh, hey girls, girls.
You wanna get things
done right, the official way?
You gotta wait in like the
rest of the schmucks out there.
But if you got a little, you
know, a little rebel in you,
I got something for you.
We got a little.
Well.
Tease overboard, what do you got?
I know a guy. You gals got cash?
Hmm.
Oh, yeah you gals got cash.
All right, I'll make the call.
The numbers of infected are skyrocketing.
The hospitals are overflowing.
The collapse of society is imminent.
Very soon, civilization as we know it,
will come to a crashing end.
What are you gonna do about it?
Can't be too safe these days.
I was resigned to spending
what little time I have left
locked up in my lab.
And miss a lovely day like today?
Yeah, I can use the fresh air.
Hey Professor, how are the kids doing?
Out there saving the world.
Well, that's what you
get for raising them right.
Yeah, now's the best
time to live it up a little.
Only at the end.
Professor, are you talking
to anyone around the world?
Iran,
Iraq,
Korea?
We're trying.
We've opened up all encrypted channels
to every research
center all over the world,
hostile and friendlies.
This isn't what we're facing.
It isn't driven by ambition or resources,
it's just instinct.
Somewhere along the
way, one of us took a detour.
Yeah, we took that detour at Berkeley,
if I recall correctly.
Exactly, and here we
are, we're back again.
Professor, can you at least
give me some good news?
Optimistically, 0.1%.
0.1%?
I'll take it.
Take that.
Thanks.
I can't see a thing.
Yeah, your glasses are gonna
fog up if you wear your mask.
It's still the law, Marn.
Hey, you're following
that part of the law
on your way to buy a gun against the law.
Okay, fine.
This is a really
ridiculous place to meet up.
No, it makes sense.
Far away from the city,
no cops, no curfew laws.
No witnesses.
Stan's a good man.
I can't believe you trust that wise guy.
Someone's here.
Stan sent us, said you could help.
- You weren't followed?
- No one knows we're here.
Yeah, we don't even know where here is.
Cool.
Hey, I know you.
Yeah, you're that anarchist nut job.
Yeah, it's me.
Shouldn't you be in an
underground bunker somewhere?
No, I live in an apartment
a couple miles from here.
I guess people will believe anything
on the internet these days.
Sure, the character's embellished,
but I believe everything I said.
The world is going to shit.
So what's your flavor?
A Ruger LCP or nine mil
single stack, whichever works.
And a couple boxes of
ammo, and we can pay cash.
What? That's it.
We're not aiming to start a revolution.
It's just personal self defense.
Yeah, can we hurry
it up a little bit, please?
Relax, there's nothing around for miles.
- These are recent?
- Hot off the presses.
Take a look at this.
What the hell?
I'll get Jansen in on this.
This place closed down in the 80s.
No one comes out here.
No one?
The usual riff-raff,
society's undesirables.
The city dumped the first batch
of homeless people out here.
People,
humans,
thrown out like yesterday's newspaper.
Get outta here!
What's going on?
Hey wait, your bag.
Britt, we have to go, we have to go.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
All right, we prepared for this.
It's by the book until
this pandemic is over,
Miss Dawson has her three grocery outlets
centralized online,
ready to take orders from our elderly.
We have a small platoon of volunteers
to deliver groceries to them.
Pardon the military lingo,
this is all quite exciting.
Dan, over at the computer store
will make sure everybody's internet
is humming along just fine.
So Garth and his family
have officially donated
a ton of PPE supplies,
and they'll be available at
every business downtown.
Okay, we're at T-minus zero
and everything seems to be going as smooth
as a slip and slide.
How's your father doing?
Yeah, he's getting better.
So, I'm gonna do another
stress test on Dan's internet.
You know where to reach me.
My phones, emails, and message feeds
are open to anyone at all times.
Until then, I'll be in the
zone racking up my kill streak.
Reminds me of a
girl I used to date in LA.
Oh, don't forget that Aunt Deborah's
gonna be calling later
on tonight, Pacific time.
Oh, understood.
And she's going to be calling
somewhere down from the Maldives,
but you'll figure it out.
I will, I will.
Okay, June bug, I love you.
You stay safe, okay?
I love you too, mom.
I'll talk to you later.
You be safe. Bye-bye.
Okay, now back to the game.
Hopefully some good donations today.
Oh, I'm doing, you know,
essential delivery services,
so you know, just the essential stuff
and honestly, I like it.
It's coming to me directly.
I don't have to leave the house.
I love it, it's great.
Oh, hey, thanks so much Al.
Thanks for the donation.
Yeah, I see a car or two
going by, you know, out there.
It's pretty much a ghost town.
Oh, I am doing great today, guys.
I am really doing great
today with this game
and yeah, it's pretty much
just total dead out there.
Like I was saying,
you just see one or two
people going by, but that's it.
Like nothing, I don't
mind it like that, honestly.
Oh yeah listen, my advice
is, I think it's gonna get better.
It can't be like this.
It's only gonna get better.
Man, I am absolutely on fire today.
I am doing so good.
But listen, my word of
advice to you guys is,
have your essentials delivered.
That's the safe thing to do.
Be safe, please.
Oh, Mayor! Mayor in the house.
Mayor, Ready Player Two?
It's no longer airborne.
What virus mutates into
a less transmissible form?
It's not isolated.
We're getting reports
from around the world.
It's happening across the board.
It's changing its tactics.
The best way I can
describe the taste is, earthy.
Very grounded.
It's like taking a walk in the forest
when the sun comes out
and the dew hits the trees
and the leaves and the grass.
Yes, very grounded
with a hint of sweetness at the back.
Let's take a quiet moment
to honor our fellow team members
who are valiantly fighting the virus.
May they get well soon.
CIA and our Turkish team picked this up
a few hours before it went viral.
Is that Sohrab?
That is him.
He went for the bald look after all.
Wait, you know the lead immunologist
for the Iranian government?
We did our residency
together at John Hopkins.
That man is brilliant.
I thought he was gonna go to work
for a Swiss bio tech company.
He loved skiing.
Damn, why didn't I think of him?
Do you think that the mullahs
would come out to play?
Sure, why don't I get the
president to call the ayatollah
and ask if he can do him a solid?
You're gonna wanna sit for this.
Iran clamped up.
Typical theocracy bullshit.
I'm sorry, Edward.
Your college buddy caught the NIX virus.
They have him quarantined in his lab.
What about his files, his research?
Got this from the
Iranian Ministry of Health,
all of Sepehri's files and then some.
Not everyone's gunning for the afterlife.
Cooler heads and rational minds.
I've also sent these
to Jansen and the team.
It's in English.
Seems like the good professor intended
to pass on the information
when the time was right.
Lucky for us, the Health Minister himself
happened to concur with that intention.
Okay, let's get back to work.
Any news?
Nothing.
Heard from Martin?
Nothing either.
What's in the bag?
Let's open it.
How about we just
stare at it a little while longer?
This meeting will be recorded,
so if anybody wants to watch it,
it'll be available on our
council YouTube page.
The hospital's filled to capacity,
and I would like to thank the many families
that open up their homes
and volunteer their time to
help take care of the patients.
I've contacted the federal
state government for assistance.
I've contacted them numerous times.
I have not had a response.
We will get through this.
Meanwhile, there's a drink special
at Rowdy Mike's and Lily's.
You heard right.
Buy one drink, get the next one free.
This is it.
Something's happening to the infected.
Yes.
Good God, they're attacking.
Jansen, what's happening?
Jansen? Jansen, get
your team out of there.
NIX mutated it's structure
to maximize the spread,
by transmission.
This is the next phase.
Oh God, no.
Edward, those labs are
right outside your door, Edward!
Environmental containment compromised.
California, just you and me
California
Good for you
What the hell is this?
Hey, you have permission
to be in the driveway like that?
I wanna see proper paperwork
or I'm gonna call the cops.
You hear me?
What's wrong with you people?
Get some sun, will ya?
What is wrong with them?
Hey, I will not be harassed.
I have every right to be in this driveway.
You hear me?
Oh no.
Grandma Oxford.
Stupid Cynthia, I'm gonna
call the cops, you hear me?
I'm calling the cops on
you wandering pucks.
All of you.
Oh my God.
Pooper.
No, no!
Get away from me!
The national has been
activated in several states
to address this new development.
Oh my God,
I can't believe this is happening.
What am I gonna do?
Pumpkin,
I just want to say that I love you so much.
Mom, what's going on?
Your dad.
Where's Billy?
Mom, call the cops.
I did, nobody's answering.
Mom.
This is a test, this is a test.
Mom?
Brittany,
I love you, I love you so much.
Mom?
Mom,
mom.
Cath?
Cath?
Matty?
Matty.
I mean, come on, Rob.
You really believe that?
I think we'll have this all wrapped up
by the end of the year,
just in time for Christmas.
You've always been
the eternal optimist, Rob.
I'm the optimistic realist.
There's nothing wrong with a bit of levity.
- It keeps the mood up.
- That's right.
It's better with a smile than a frown.
Smile or frown,
we want everything back to normal,
if normal was ever a thing.
We don't even have a baseline.
We've always adapted.
Companies are making bank with masks,
gloves, and cleaning supplies.
Face masks with a sequin is a thing.
They've repurposed
abandoned malls and in facilities
to hold post-infection patients for a fee,
and business is booming.
Capitalism.
Yes, they have pandemic-themed fast foods,
zombie zingers, chicken
tenders with special sauce.
That's nationwide, selling like hotcakes.
I'm more of a seafood guy.
If a pandemic with hundreds of thousands
of people wandering
around in a catatonic state
doesn't cause a nationwide
alarm, then what would?
We've taken a national
disaster and adapted to it.
We're not sitting this out.
This is part of the game.
What's next?
If all these wandering and infected
were to suddenly turn against us,
would that be a new normal?
Would we adapt?
Would that be someone's
idea of an intended outcome?
I tell you what, I'd be
down for a couple of days.
Nah, a couple of hours,
but I'd take a long look out the window
and figure it out what my listeners want
and make adjustments to my sponsors.
This reminds me of a picture I once saw.
It was taken in the border
city of Nuevo Laredo
under the Collazio Bridge.
An outdoor street vendor was
setting up shop for the night
as he prepared his food over a hot stove.
And right next to him,
just above the bridge,
hung nine bodies of rival cartel members.
When asked about the
bodies, the vendor replied,
he saw those bodies
right before setting up shop,
but he knew that in a few hours,
the night shift from the
nearby factory was gonna end,
and the bulk of his daily earnings
were gonna come from that crowd.
Those bodies weren't stopping
him from earning his keep.
The man's got bills to pay, kids to feed.
And that's his new normal.
Even if it's good night, Irene,
someone's gonna figure out a way
to keep that wheel spinning.
Man, you're such a downer.
But on a completely different topic,
let's talk about permanent clown makeup.
It's the hottest fad right now,
and it's sweeping the
country, just like the virus.
This is Rob Peterson,
and I'll be right back
after a word from our sponsor, Red Lobster.
Fresh fish, live lobster,
and all the Cheddar Bay
biscuits you can handle.
Love is in the water
You are in the water
Cleaning is in my head
California is on TV
California is you and me
California is meant to be
California
Sun is on my shoulders
Moonbeams are everywhere
California is on TV
California is you and me
California is meant to be
California
It's fun, then you know
Fun, then you know
Fun, then in love
Fun, then you know
California is on TV
California is you and me
California is meant to be
California
Fun, then you know
Fun, then you know
Fun, then in love
Fun, then in love
- Well, my aunt
may have the virus.
That makes sense.
Scientists are in a mad scramble
to pinpoint the origin of this novel virus.
Meanwhile, the World Health
Organization has confirmed
infections are now present
in all continents, except Antarctica.
Hello everyone.
Welcome back to
"Partnership With the Arts,"
where we talk art.
With me is my lovely
co-host, as always, Mary.
Hello and welcome.
Right, so we are currently in our studio
following lockdown protocols by CDC.
You know, lucky for us,
it's just a stone's throw
away from where we live.
Right.
Is this virus real?
Or is this a global prank
designed to scare us all before Halloween?
Join me, Rob Peterson,
and find out.
So you're saying
this will all be over in a year?
It's a good sell.
We cut that time in
half, shine up the data,
up sell the effort, and
give the media a story.
It'll track well. We can make it work.
I did say this will be over in a year,
maybe sooner.
Good day, gentlemen.
Today on "Inside Look,"
I'll be speaking with
Professor Edward Bellows,
Director of the National Institute
of Allergy and Infectious Diseases,
and lead virologist in this
country's medical task force.
Professor Bellows, what
are we facing here exactly?
Is this a new strain of the flu?
Oh, if I had a dollar every
time someone asked me that.
It's not the flu virus.
This is new.
The initial symptoms are flu-like,
but after a week or two,
this virus begins to attach itself
to organs outside the respiratory system,
the kidneys, the spleen, the heart,
and that's when we get a symptom shift.
And what are the new symptoms?
We're finalizing the studies
and we'll release that information shortly.
We have reports here of symptoms ranging
from involuntary muscle
control to catatonia.
Does the virus affect the brain professor?
As I said, we will release
our official findings when we can.
Matt,
Matty?
Can you hear me okay?
Heaven have mercy, she lives.
I am so, so sorry, sweetie.
It has been fricking
insanity central around here.
I would so cry right
now if it wasn't hilarious
in a sad, weird kind of way away.
Were you worried?
Yeah,
a little bit.
I'm going crazy over here, Cath.
You're not calling me. What's going on?
And, and your text messages
have been really weird, and
what are you wearing?
Wait, wait, are you mad, because I forgot.
No, it's just been pure chaos.
They have block by block testing now
and it's paperwork this and paperwork that.
And then there's the protests and riots.
But those are mainly downtown,
so we just hear about them on the news.
I called, like I said I would.
I get points for that, don't I?
Yeah, you did.
And you do.
You know,
for a while, I thought
you didn't want to talk to me anymore.
Wait, this isn't a Dear John call, is it?
No. No, of course not.
Don't say that, Matty.
So they still got you
locked up in that castle?
It's not a castle.
It's, you know, it's more
of a mountain resort,
but starting to feel more
like a fortress, actually, now.
They're not letting you out?
No. Five star service though.
All on the local government's tab.
Are they feeding you properly?
Oh, it's miserable.
You know, my euro toast this morning
was buttered only on one side.
Fascists.
But I'd give all of this up for,
for Taco Ted's, in a heartbeat.
They're gone.
All of them.
The streets are all cleared out.
Even the brick and mortar
places are monitored, 24/7.
I have something that
might cheer you up, though.
Also, the reason I called,
other than how much I miss you,
you got this in the mail.
It's not in English.
What is it?
It's brandy, from the private reserve
of the local principality.
You know, it's fancy stuff,
but your Matty got the hookups.
Hold on, I got my own stash.
Well, this calls-
For a toast.
- Clink.
- Clink.
The World Health Organization
has recently theorized three origin points,
central Asia, South
America, and western Europe.
Can your department confirm this?
The information as of now, is accurate.
And this is something that's
been mentioned numerous times
by viewers on our program,
and normally I wouldn't
entertain such offbeat notions,
but I really feel that it needs to be
put to rest, once and for all.
Sure, ask away.
Can you factually state
that this wasn't manufactured
in a secret laboratory?
Miss Baxter, this is nature
at its absolute ruthless best.
Ruthless would suggest intent.
I apologize.
Nature is a perfect engine of evolution.
Morality is a concept we
assign to the world around us.
Of course.
So I'm assuming the answer is no?
A more apt answer would've been yes,
but no, this was not made in the lab.
It's a little strong for a beginner,
but once you've broken
in, it's as smooth as silk.
Perfect, isn't it?
It's kind of bland.
Bland?
Seriously?
No, really, come on.
What do you really think?
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. Easy there, sweetie.
Just, just take a small sip first.
You know, this stuff
burns like paint remover,
in a good way.
It is smooth.
Kind of reminds me of Evian water.
Did, did, did you just get out
of a big dinner or something?
No, I haven't eaten all day. Why?
You haven't eaten?
I don't know.
All of a sudden my Cath is knocking back
old world brandy like it's
Gatorade after soccer practice.
I mean, I don't know what to say.
It tastes like really expensive water.
It's good.
I wanna come home.
You have no idea how much I miss you.
I want you home.
Well, surely a breakthrough vaccine
is within the realm of possibility.
I mean, being this
country's lead virologist,
isn't it your responsibility
to take the fight to mother nature herself?
I mean, I personally wouldn't
underestimate our chances.
Thank you, my colleagues
and I appreciate that.
We are on the front lines fighting
and as of now, we are
expending our full resources
just to stop the spread.
The world is under lockdown.
Most nations have grounded all flights.
Police, and in some countries, soldiers,
are patrolling the streets,
just trying to restore order,
and everyone's doing their part.
Cautious optimism, at least, professor?
As a scientist, I go by facts
and at present they're not on our side.
If this is a game, the virus
is running out the clock.
I wouldn't suggest optimism in this case,
just caution, hope.
And for the antiquated faithful, prayer.
Perhaps a silver lining awaits us
down the road, Professor.
Thank you for your
time. It's been a pleasure.
We'll be right back.
Hon?
Tell me about the first time that we met.
This because of the, the turtleneck?
Well, the turtleneck,
that's, that's what you wore
the first time we met.
All right.
I'm warning you, I don't
tell it as good as you.
I'm gonna ruin the fresco.
No, you won't.
Whatever you say.
Someone has to tell the
grandkids when granny isn't herself.
So there I was, sitting inside O'Malley's,
all by myself after an
app date stood me up,
and you were with some friends.
They were making fun of me,
saying like, I deserved it or something.
And then you scolded
them and you walked over,
you asked if the seat
across from me was taken.
And I said, "no, it's available."
And then you sat down,
you introduced yourself.
You asked me how my night was going.
And I said, I just got stood up,
and I'm just about ready
to join the local monastery.
And then you said that not two days ago,
your fiance broke up with you.
And then you asked if there was a,
a convent next to my fictional monastery.
And five minutes into it,
you knew,
talking to this guy,
that it was the best decision
you ever made in your life.
I was the luckiest guy that night.
What else did I say?
That you spent two years
knowing how wrong a guy was for you,
and five minutes knowing how right one was.
And that was three years ago.
Best three years of my life.
Matt,
I need to tell you something.
That's your secretly a superhero,
with a liver made from dead Irish saints?
And we're clear.
That bad, huh?
I have five children, all grown.
I've served under four presidents
and I've been married to the
same woman for over 30 years.
I've seen all manner of hell and high water
that would strike the
fear of God into most,
but I never thought it
would compel me to do this.
Now I see what all the fuss is about.
I got it, Matt.
You, you got, you got what?
The virus.
Two weeks ago they ran a test and-
No?
I wanted to let you know.
Why, why didn't you tell me sooner?
They locked me in a room, Matt.
They took away my phone.
They took, who was
replying to my text messages?
I don't know, but it wasn't me.
No, no, no. I, I, I, I got,
I got, I gotta get back.
The doctors did
everything that they could,
but nothing worked.
One day, a professor came to see me.
He had been on TV several times, I think,
and he offered me something,
something new he'd been working on.
But he made no promises.
I said yes,
on one condition.
What?
That I get to see you again.
Remember me as I was.
Cat, Cat, Cathy?
What? Who, who, who are you guys?
20 minutes, 12 seconds.
That's 30 minutes more than record.
That's encouraging, isn't it?
What's, what's, what's happening?
What, what are you doing? What?
Where are you taking her?
Hey!
My condolences.
Hallelujah
First thing I did when
I got up this morning
was to slip on my velvet tracksuit,
and take a stroll around the neighborhood,
mask up, gloves on, beautiful morning,
blue skies with just the
right amount of cloud cover.
This is God's country
right in the heart of the city.
Good morning everyone, except Barry.
Good evening.
It is past my bedtime.
We've been doing this
for three months, Barry.
I'm just kidding.
Gosh.
It's actually my dinner time.
Terry, I thought we
weren't allowed to eat?
Well, you know the rules.
I'm just finishing up, Boss.
Mm, by the way,
here are the reports you wanted.
Two days early.
Eat away, Barry. Don't let me stop you.
Mm mm.
Hey, is that sake?
Yeah.
Hot sake.
Oh.
Oh, good for relaxing when
you've submitted reports
two days early.
Oops.
Marnie.
Good morning, Terry.
Morning, Marnie.
Slept well last night?
Like,
a boulder in Utah.
That's great.
Okay, since we're ahead, thanks to Barry,
I'd say we all deserve the
rest of the day to ourselves.
Good job team.
Come on Marn, have some shame, will you?
What? It's just your boss and coworkers.
Just,
dress appropriately.
Point taken.
Meanwhile, the followup
from the "Inside Look" interview
with Professor Bellows continues.
You were saying?
They deliberately skewed
the data to cause global panic.
The numbers are nowhere
near what Bellows is claiming.
He's thrown in the towel way too early.
But what about all those infected?
I've seen 'em, around
the mall, the grocery store.
Heck, my brother-in-law is one of 'em.
No one's claiming it's a hoax.
It's real, and so is the flu,
but enough with the gloom and doom
when the stats don't bear that out.
Maybe he knows
something he's not telling us.
He's a government stooge.
His job is to tell us
everything and anything.
He's just a pessimist that
got caught up in his own data.
I wish everyone shared your optimism.
More people do share my optimism,
they just don't have the soapbox
the good doctor and myself have,
so they're not being heard.
They need to get out
there and tell it like it is.
Things are getting better.
We'll get through this bug in no time.
Hey, you'll get no rebuttal from me.
Nor me.
Polls go up. Polls go down.
Never miscommunication.
No one can explain how it all works.
What's that old adage?
As the polls go, so goes the nation.?
Well, the nation experienced
a little bit of a seesaw ride recently.
Early polls show the majority of the public
seriously thinking about what
lead Research Professor Edward Bellows said
in his interview on "Inside Look."
Many believed the
professor's words were meant
as a call to arms to try to
bring the nation together
to resolve this pandemic.
Then the contrarians hit the airwaves,
accusing the good professor
of peddling a dire, end times outlook
as if skirting his responsibility
to the people in this country.
And then we see the
polls take a sharp turn.
Does this mean anything?
As of one hour before airing,
the trains are still running on time,
TV ratings are stable,
and so is the National Consumer Index.
Are we unphased by this pandemic,
or are we slow on the uptake?
Let's examine a series of
polls that'll show us exactly
where the pulse of the nation is.
Pandemic got you down?
Not getting your daily dose of sunlight
like the good doctor told you you should?
Don't keel over.
Get your daily dose of
Klown Vitz Big D today.
Big D contains a huge dose of vitamin D
to shoot that spunk back into your life.
One easy to swallow
Big D is all it takes.
That was easier than I thought.
It's like sunlight raining
down all over you.
Big D for everyone.
Big D.
Huge D.
Big D gives me the
jolt I need to pop back up.
I swallow Big D every morning.
I gulp down Big D
right before I work out.
And right after my swim.
It's easy to swallow.
Big D, Big D.
Klown Vitamins Big D, available at all
good pharmaceutical stores nationwide.
Japan is making gains
in vaccine research,
and we most certainly
shared any new findings
with our American allies.
Thank you Dr. Serizawa,
for all the work you're doing
in a race for the cure.
Thank you.
And remember,
face masks saves lives.
Oh yes. Just like our own mask, Professor.
That's the "Nightly News" this Wednesday.
Thanks for watching.
My name's Diandra
Walsh. Have a great night.
Let's try something new.
Aw, I kinda like our brand.
Hi. Oh no, you don't want that.
Here, pay it forward.
Thanks.
Dude, it's a sign.
Mm, I don't know, Marn.
You literally just had your own
personal coffee angel
encounter, and you don't know?
Okay.
Aw, they're out of the
good stuff. It's all generic.
It's the same thing.
They make it all in one factory,
slap different labels on it.
It's just brand markups.
Yeah, but the branding
makes it taste better.
I'll give you that.
Hey Liz.
Hey Marn, I know your schedule
is free and clear until the
end of time, so no excuses.
Party at my place tomorrow.
Did you see that there
are new curfew patrols
from here to the west side?
I am sending you a map
to avoid all the roadblocks.
This urban planning sophomore from USC
sent it to me through Discord.
Major simp if you ask me.
Liz?
Also, Lance and his
college buddies are coming.
No, look, I know this
whole lockdown is stupid,
but can we just hold off, okay?
Ugh, what evs
Grandpa, invite is still open.
Wear that sexy red skirt.
And bring that sexy dork you live with.
Yeah. Goodbye Liz.
What'd she call me?
Environmental seal initiated.
You made yourself quite a
few fans with that little stunt.
It was just a little honest
outreach to the electorate.
You're gonna cause panic.
- Did I?
- Not yet.
It's the province of pundits
and reactionaries now.
I just threw some
meat into the lion's den.
You bought a week of distraction for us.
Yeah, but what if the vaccine backfires,
and everyone goes, oh,
World War Z on the uninfected.
I mean hypothetically.
No problem.
I was trained in acute space awareness.
It's like a 360 degree radar.
Nothing gets my.
I think we lost Zach's feed.
If that happens, we
initiate SEP barrier protocol
Alpha Epsilon 13.
I volunteer my mom's place.
She's visiting her sister in Argentina
and won't be back in a while.
Besides, I've got a fully stocked pantry.
Yeah, we just wait
out the initial stages,
keep a low profile,
then have a six week buffer
period before we venture out.
Well that sounds good,
but what about the weapons?
What, like real guns? I'm a pacifist.
I think I still have a
hockey stick from college.
Are foam nunchucks weapons?
I'll bring the coffee.
Oh yeah, yes yes, definitely,
definitely bring the coffee.
But do you guys see,
do you guys see why
this is all hypothetical?
We would be eaten in a New
York minute. What good is dead?
What, what have I missed?
There's still no
but seems to be transferred
when coming in contact
with blood and bodily fluids.
The virus seems to be making
people uncontrollably violent.
And also-
Hello, my little pumpkin pie.
For heaven's sake, Mom.
Hello, my little pumpkin pie.
See what you did?
Knock it off everybody.
There's only one in this household
who can legitimately use that term,
because he speaks the gospel truth.
Ain't that right, my little pumpkin pie?
Dad.
Have you been wearing your gloves
and your masks when you're outside?
Of course.
Not with that again.
Hey, you live your life the
way you want, okay pumpkin?
Don't let anyone tell you different.
All this is just a big
bag of government BS.
They're gonna take
over our lives. This forces-
That's enough, honey.
Okay, be careful.
Remember, your room is
just the way it is when you left.
Mom, I'm, I'm good.
Okay, well, it's entirely up to you.
Got it, mom.
Oh, take care of yourself, honey.
Take care of yourself, honey.
Goodbye, Billy.
So you're dripping in chic Forever 21,
sashaying down the runway,
and everyone sees your ugly-ass
mask and proctology gloves.
Come on Anngelica, you say,
there's a pandemic going on.
Cut me some slack.
No way, sister.
There's no excuse for raggedy fashion.
Color coordinate. Mask on
top, gloves on the bottom.
I'm gonna spill the beans
on making you fashionable
and the envy of all those common people
in line at the supermarket.
Yet another night as
police break break up
an unauthorized party being
held at an upscale seaside town.
Party goers are seen
fleeing in all directions.
Several dozen were arrested.
Earlier reports of shots fired
turned out to be party poppers.
You can add a sweetener of your choice.
For me, it's a dash of organic agave syrup
and maybe a little collagen
creamer if I'm in the mood.
Whatever makes your tea taste good.
That sounds really good.
I definitely can't do coffee anymore.
I'm wired enough, especially
with all that's going on now.
Well, that could go good with chamomile.
Now, this is not a cure.
Go to your doctor if you have symptoms.
This is just a tea that
can elevate your mood while
you're cooped up indoors.
I added a little whiskey
to that tea recipe you gave us last week.
Oh, how did that make you feel?
Drunk.
She spends most of her day
keeping the house tidy.
Her son Walt stops by
occasionally to help out.
I try to keep busy.
Yes, this place is spotless.
Thank you.
And this is my wonderful son Walt,
who drops by as often as he
can to check on dear old mom,
make sure everything is okay.
And he's a fabulous cook, chef.
Yes, I'm a chef.
I work the kitchen, and sometimes I stop by
to do a little kitchen
magic for you, right?
That's right.
Have the authorities visited you?
Often, all the time.
But, they're great and they realize
that we have the situation under control.
I have documentation.
This is permission from the HOA.
That seems to be in order.
The situation she's referring to
are the two infected family members
she has wandering in her backyard.
Well, I've had the backyard
completely sealed off.
There's no access whatsoever.
We follow strict CDC guidelines
and we take all the necessary precautions
whenever we go out to check on them.
Additionally, the recently passed
Wanderers' Rights, championed by the ACLU,
prevents authorities from removing
people without their consent.
This is Vanessa, Cynthia's
next door neighbor.
She runs the local
Neighborhood Watch Committee.
Yes, I do. I run the
Neighborhood Watch Committee.
How many members are there?
I am the Neighborhood Watch Committee.
Vanessa takes it upon herself
to watch over the street
and the welfare of the residents.
There's a lot of suspicious activity
going on all around here, okay?
You never know what
funny business is happening,
especially,
my neighbor's house.
I have called the cops over and over again.
They come, they look around.
They have some of my delicious brownies,
obviously, 'cause they are delicious.
And then they take off.
They don't do anything.
My husband and I, Joe,
we're afraid to go out to
our backyard anymore.
We live in fear that
something's gonna happen
and that those things over here
are gonna come into our house at night.
I've lived here for 17 years,
and I have yet to see anyone
in that dump she calls a backyard.
My kids, they just
stay in the house all day.
They cry in their sleep. They
never go out into the yard,
all because of, that.
Kids? She doesn't have kids.
Well, I call my cats my kids.
They're just like children to me,
Rupert and Archibald.
Cats? She doesn't, she has no cats.
This is a health hazard.
Those things need to get locked up.
This is ridiculous.
I can't have this kind of neighbor
with those people roaming around.
Shut up.
What kind of bullshit are
you telling these people?
Well, it's a health, it's
a health hazard, okay?
It's a health hazard to
the whole neighborhood.
Everybody knows it.
Health hazard? I'll give
you a health hazard.
Bring it on, grandma.
That's it, bring it on. Bring it on.
You know what?
She's gonna attack me
with a pitchfork, everybody.
You idiot.
My house.
Ladies, please.
If you're going to be that
close, please be considerate.
Resume.
Stop, you're not married.
You know what?
Back up lady or I'll stick
this where the sun don't shine.
Even on the quietest streets,
one can find a certain level of excitement,
round the corner.
We now go live with lead researcher
and virologist from the Indian government,
Dr. Rani Roy has some
amazing news to share with us.
I believe we're experiencing
some technical issues.
We are going to cut to a commercial break
before returning with Dr. Roy.
And we are off.
Chuck, what happened?
India cut the feed.
First Dublin, now Mubai?
Any word from Professor Serizawa?
Nope, and no one's returning our calls.
What about our interview with Belgium?
I think Antwerp ghosted us.
Kenya?
Nairobi's dust in the wind.
What in the world is going on out there?
Why are you even sunbathing?
Hey, I gotta get one form of vitamin D.
Right?
Hmm hmm. Bless that good Samaritan.
Oh hey, how are your folks doing?
They got out of the city,
went to my uncle Pete's farm.
He's kind of a doomsday
quack, so they're it.
Mom wants me to come home.
Like, what good is that?
She just misses you, and
your fun pumpkin energy.
No, she's scared. She thinks
the world's coming to an end.
Didn't you hear the world's been ending
since religion was invented?
So like,
1800?
Hey.
Alien spores from outer space.
I'm not saying that's a
hard-to-swallow premise, but
Listen, and this is legitimate science.
They teach this stuff to
school kids all around the world.
Panspermia, look it
up. It's how we got here.
This contagion, you're
saying it hitched a ride?
Bingo, you know the comet,
zipped by Earth, missed us by that much.
I think that much is
a couple million miles,
but I see what you're saying.
All right, tracking
station outside of Canberra
picked up comet debris coming toward earth
just as it zipped by.
That was a year ago, one week from today.
This was just a cosmic
ET returning for an encore.
And this was all revealed
to you from that acid trip?
No, no, no, no, no.
I mean, this was
ayahuasca in Iquitos, Peru.
The universe laid out this in front of me,
the whole plan.
Cosmic blueprints, man.
Have you ever tried DMT?
Anything new on contact
tracing an origin of this thing?
Inconclusive.
Tracks go cold at all major
international travel hubs.
It's like chasing a ghost.
Is your team prepared
for another go around?
Ready, as always.
Okay, the next batch of
antiserums are near ready.
Let's just hope lady luck graces us
with a favorable outcome.
Get ready to suit up.
You got it boss.
I will devastate this city
and make it an object of horror and scorn,
all who pass by will be
appalled and will scoff
because of all its plagues.
Ah, give me a break.
Every time we get hit with a global crisis,
these nut jobs come
slithering out of the woodwork.
You wanna make your case?
Expound on the mosaic law of germ theory,
washing the hands,
quarantine to limit spread.
That's science we can all understand.
But no, these idiots always default
to the end of the world scenario.
Listen pal, it hasn't happened
since the first century common era,
and it isn't happening now.
A friend of mine tells
me they're converting
those abandoned shopping malls
into housing centers for the infected.
They look like cramped office
cubicles minus the furniture.
Why keep your infected at
home when you can send them
to one of those care
facilities for a low monthly fee?
Whoa.
What's wrong? What happened?
Stay away from me.
Come on, come on, come on.
Give me some more.
Did you look for batteries?
Be sure your hands
are clean and free of dirt.
Did you wash your hands?
Britt.
Okay, look for the light, the parcel light.
There's no light. Oh, okay.
Place your thumb over the symbol.
You will feel a small prick.
Britt, seriously?
Sorry, Marn.
If the light turns green,
you are not infected.
If the light turns red, you are infected
with the NIX virus.
Please log on to for further instructions.
Okay.
Did you feel small prick?
Yes, Britt.
Okay.
Oh, thank God.
Oh my gosh.
Okay.
Hey mom.
Hi honey.
How are you? Did I wake you?
No, no. I'm up, I'm up.
Had a bit of a scare
yesterday, but false alarm.
Pumpkin, your dad isn't feeling well.
We think he might be infected.
What? Did you guys take the test?
And?
Dad?
The test is fake.
It's just the government messing with us.
Daddy is fine, pumpkin.
It's just a little head cold.
Your mom made me one of her hot toddies
and I feel better already.
Yeah, I'm gonna beat this.
We put him in the backyard just in case.
I know Dad isn't a big fan
of wearing masks and gloves, but.
Oh, dad's the only one
with that chip on his shoulder.
Please be careful mom, please?
Okay.
You got careful from me,
but you take care of yourself.
I love you.
I love you, too.
I've camped out patiently
for the better part of the week
to procure this heavenly box
of promoted Zombie Zingers.
A show of tempted tasting
to visually convey my opinion
of this thoroughly breaded chicken slice.
I detect a generous dusting
of a culinary lab research
Texan or Louisiana dry
rub within the crisp breading.
I sense this sauce cup
might be unnecessary,
but the flavor from the tender alone
will sufficiently satisfy by my taste buds.
But, we shall see.
I must say, for a food product inspired by
the countless hordes
wondering aimlessly about,
it surprisingly tastes
vibrant, but more so, exciting.
I failed to mention they
were out of regular tenders,
so I was forced to get the spicy tenders.
And my assumption,
I had an unopened can of
sweet beverage in my car
has proven wrong.
Help, help!
Here goes nothing.
Hmm it's,
wow.
That's, that's pretty good, that's,
hold on.
Okay.
That actually, that does have a,
that does actually have
a little bit of a kick to it.
Needs garlic.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hot a lot!
I've been reading about how
fast this virus is spreading,
and even about people
who are holding protests over the wearing
of personal protection equipment.
How many times do I have
to hammer this point home?
The virus is not a hoax
created by the government
to control the populace.
It is a real pathogen
with devastating effects.
Look here.
Have you seen this?
Do you believe the level of lunacy
that is going on out there right now?
Hug a wanderer?
These people have lost their minds.
I don't know.
Maybe this is nature's way
of weeding out the stupid.
It was saber tooth cats before,
and now we have the next virus.
Part of me just wants to
watch natural selection play out.
But another part of me, a
bigger part of me, wants a cure.
So come on, big pharma.
Hurry up with it already.
The world is waiting.
Oh, we've taken so much
blood out of this poor child.
Our entire research is based solely
on the serum's response to her.
She's the key.
We draw the amount we
need and not a drop more.
The answer is in there, somewhere.
Any updates regarding
the nasal labial folds
and the loosening
of the lateral supraorbital
skin and ptosis?
It's a unique morphology.
That's why she looks
different from the rest.
We think it's from the feedback
that we got when we
gave her the first injection.
We're still crunching the numbers.
She's the only human test subject
that has shown a positive
response to the serum.
Jansen and his team are
going in for another trial run.
Hmm.
Hey Britt.
No, that trick works only once.
They aren't that spicy.
Get a load of this guy.
He gets trapped in a European
mountain resort, escapes,
and is now trying to
find his way back here.
The American Embassy tells
me to go back to my hotel room
because there's nothing they can do.
I'm not doing that.
I'm gonna find a way home.
I love you, Cath.
And they've locked down all flights,
incoming and outgoing.
How's he gonna get back?
Well, if he's lucky, he won't.
Sure they're working on a
cure, or a vaccine, whatever.
Whether or not they come
up with one is beside the point.
The question is, what is the price
all of us are gonna have to pay for it?
For those wandering around
in their homes and on the street,
what is the price they'll
have to pay for the cure?
For us, the healthy, what is the price
we'll have to pay for the vaccine
so that we don't get infected?
Everything big brother does,
eventually the bill comes due.
Feeling blue with nary a clue?
Can't get excited while
you sit on your couch all day?
Don't throw in the towel just yet.
I need zinc.
I need my zinc,
Scoops and Mischief style.
We all need zinc.
Zany Zinc contains a large dose of zinc
that'll make you get off that
couch and salute the flag.
Don't go scarfing down a peck of oysters
or a bushel of asparagus.
Garlic cloves? PU.
No date for you tonight, mister.
It takes a teeny tablet once a day.
Don't let the size fool you.
It's got it where it counts.
This is it? I didn't feel a thing.
Did I say, it's easy to swallow?
I take one before turning on my laptop.
I take two when I'm feeling blue.
It's like blocking with a big stick.
That's so slick.
Klown Vitamins Zany Zinc,
available at all good
pharmaceutical stores nationwide.
This is medicinal wine.
Just uploaded the recipe
to the live chat.
There you go.
Okay, now you can source
most of these ingredients
at your local grocers, but
I've included a few
websites for you indoor keyboard warriors.
Now, I have to caution
some of you tenderfoots,
this is really strong medicine.
What type of wine do you recommend?
Okay, well, you're free to
use any wine that you'd like,
but of course I always infuse
my herbs in a bottle of
Soothsayer, courtesy of Desperada Winery.
Let's start off
with a very promising one
from Tabitha Musgraves.
Tabitha Musgraves, medicinal wine.
A glass of wine of your choosing.
To that we will add in the following,
a pinch of oregano,
a pinch of turmeric,
a dash of cayenne pepper.
Swirl and mix.
Now, one question we've
been getting a lot of lately,
is healing our brothers and sisters
who have supposedly
succumbed to the NIX virus.
But really I think they're
just looking for any excuse
to drink before breakfast.
Even Jesus showed us
he preferred wine to water
when he turned water into wine.
Paul does say, "Drink no longer water,
but use a little wine
for thy stomach's sake
and thine often infirmities."
If you're one of our
regular fans and tried it,
we invite you to comment below
on what you thought of this remedy.
Well, I am sure
the more you drink, the better it tastes.
Oh, I'm sure it's killing
something inside of me.
Definitely tastes like an Eastern remedy.
So we invite you to sit back and enjoy
the added nourishing and tonic benefits
while getting protection
from the supposed virus.
And stay tuned for further episodes
as we explore other tonics
from our collective mind
to heal and promote interconnection
with our brothers and sisters.
Fellow warriors, these
are challenging times.
We can't train together like we used to.
And now we train like true ninjas,
alone.
Introducing my online Ninja Academy.
Train online and at your own pace.
Don't let the pandemic stop you
from becoming a true ninja warrior.
I've seen the virus consuming us all.
Behold Griselda the Necromancer.
Witness her grand plan to
solve this blight upon the land.
We intend to cast a
spell when the time is right.
A spell so powerful,
it'll bring on the legions of the undead.
It'll bring them under our control
and they will obey our commands.
It will be the end of the apocalypse.
And, we will provide the survivors
with a workforce
that will be incredibly large
and incredibly obedient.
Let it be known that the Necromancer
can indeed solve this
country's labor shortage.
What was that?
Today I want to talk to you
about Tabitha Musgraves.
Now, Tabitha is a social
media influencer, that's fine.
She has the right to sell
things on her channel,
but there is absolutely
no evidence whatsoever
that her medicinal wine has any effect,
except to perhaps
throw off your equilibrium.
There's a pandemic going
around, that much we know,
but it's a small town.
We got more cows than people.
We get truckers stopping
for a meal at Nancy's,
and that's about it for visitors.
Mostly, peace and quiet,
just the way we like it.
What are you still standing there for?
You done chopping the firewood?
Churn the butter?
Just why don't you go clean out the pigsty?
I just showed it to you last week.
And what did I tell you about posture?
My second cousin,
takes a trip to the big city,
comes back looking like that.
Lord have mercy.
Dad, I know what time
it is there and you look it.
- Hello, Dr. Bellows.
- Caught your interview.
- All of it?
- Just the highlights.
It didn't seem to
have the effect I wanted.
People are stubborn.
How are your brothers doing? Any word?
- Just call them.
- No, I don't want to do that.
I don't wanna bother them,
because they're out there in the field
serving their country.
I heard from David last week.
He's setting up mobile hospitals in Uganda,
and Tony, well, he's doing
secret stuff like always.
Well, how's the Little Creek
Children's Hospital doing?
It's a regular hospital now, dad.
Erin, is there anything I can do for you?
I can make calls.
We're doing fine.
The town's volunteering.
I wish I had some
encouraging words for you.
There's no need.
You just keep doing what we do.
David, Tony, me, you taught us that.
Hey, if they happen
to call or they text you,
you tell your brothers that.
- I will.
- And you too.
Hey.
- What?
- Someone's in front
of the house.
Quit it, Britt.
I'm too lazy to get scared.
I'm serious.
Shit.
Is the door the locked?
I don't know.
All lines are busy. Please try again.
Why am I not surprised?
- Crap.
- What?
We're sitting ducks in our own home.
I have to pee so bad.
What's going on? How's it going over there?
Your in administration. Got it.
Come on. Is this going to work?
Come on, Jansen.
Fortune favors the bold.
Do you always crack
a wise-ass remark when we do this?
Yes, yes I do.
What's going on?
Massive allergic reaction.
That's an understatement.
All right guys, let's clean this up.
We need more help.
And this is yet another challenge,
and a reminder of just how
volatile mother nature truly is.
Now this, this, this virus
is a zoonotic pathogen.
It it hops from an animal species,
most probably a farm
animal, bred for consumption,
into a human host
where it restructures its code
in order to optimize spread among humans.
Now, I have said this countless times.
We are not designed to
feast upon the flesh of animals.
Nature's giving us a
righteous dressing down.
Speaking of, I have got
a vegan dressing recipe
that'll make horse hay taste
like manna from heaven.
Psst.
Before Scoops and Mischief figure it out,
here's the deal I'm gonna
make for you good folks.
Fancy some D, get some zinc free,
or the other way around.
Whatever works.
Take them at the same time,
and show the virus who's the boss.
But don't tell Scoops and Mischief
'cause they'll challenge
you to a dance off,
and you know clowns can get down.
Klown Vitamins Big D, Zany Zinc,
available at all good
pharmaceutical stores nationwide.
Hm.
The Chinese national archeological team,
along with select researchers
from all over the world,
gathered around the ancient sarcophagus
while a single worker
pried it open with a crowbar?
Researchers from all over the world
returning to their respective countries
carrying the NIX virus.
There you have it, ancient virus.
Not a peep from the mainstream media.
The CDC still debunks
the ancient virus theory.
What are they hiding?
What was buried with that mummy
in that sarcophagus 4,000 years ago?
Was it a prison for the virus,
just waiting for us to
unwittingly unleash it on the world
4,000 years later?
Now, the truth is in the shadows,
and I have the flashlight.
I've warned you about
it for years and years.
They take regular harmless little virus
and turn it into some unstoppable
freak of bloody nature, mate.
Then use it to scare the population.
Well, you gotta snap out of that people.
Time to wake up.
Try to keep up.
It's population control.
That's how they get to do
whatever the hell they want.
That's how they pass the
laws, no questions asked.
Well, I'm telling you lot,
some of us don't frighten so easily, eh?
We're bloody ready, mate.
We've always been bloody well ready.
Well, I like this one.
What do you think, Marn?
Sure.
Sorry, this baby's spoken for.
Oh, okay. What about the one before?
This one?
Yeah, yeah, we'll take that one.
Sold her about two weeks
ago to a girl from Ohio.
Listen, all of our guns
are pretty much sold out.
I mean, we're on a back
order for like three months now.
What?
Well, why didn't you start with that?
Well, I didn't know you
wanted a gun right now.
Well, that's the point, isn't it?
All the gun stores are
out of guns and ammo.
Is that a surprise to
anyone with what's going on?
You wanna get things done right and proper,
then you're gonna have to wait.
Great.
That's just great.
It's karma.
When you want one,
there's none to be found.
Oh, hey girls, girls.
You wanna get things
done right, the official way?
You gotta wait in like the
rest of the schmucks out there.
But if you got a little, you
know, a little rebel in you,
I got something for you.
We got a little.
Well.
Tease overboard, what do you got?
I know a guy. You gals got cash?
Hmm.
Oh, yeah you gals got cash.
All right, I'll make the call.
The numbers of infected are skyrocketing.
The hospitals are overflowing.
The collapse of society is imminent.
Very soon, civilization as we know it,
will come to a crashing end.
What are you gonna do about it?
Can't be too safe these days.
I was resigned to spending
what little time I have left
locked up in my lab.
And miss a lovely day like today?
Yeah, I can use the fresh air.
Hey Professor, how are the kids doing?
Out there saving the world.
Well, that's what you
get for raising them right.
Yeah, now's the best
time to live it up a little.
Only at the end.
Professor, are you talking
to anyone around the world?
Iran,
Iraq,
Korea?
We're trying.
We've opened up all encrypted channels
to every research
center all over the world,
hostile and friendlies.
This isn't what we're facing.
It isn't driven by ambition or resources,
it's just instinct.
Somewhere along the
way, one of us took a detour.
Yeah, we took that detour at Berkeley,
if I recall correctly.
Exactly, and here we
are, we're back again.
Professor, can you at least
give me some good news?
Optimistically, 0.1%.
0.1%?
I'll take it.
Take that.
Thanks.
I can't see a thing.
Yeah, your glasses are gonna
fog up if you wear your mask.
It's still the law, Marn.
Hey, you're following
that part of the law
on your way to buy a gun against the law.
Okay, fine.
This is a really
ridiculous place to meet up.
No, it makes sense.
Far away from the city,
no cops, no curfew laws.
No witnesses.
Stan's a good man.
I can't believe you trust that wise guy.
Someone's here.
Stan sent us, said you could help.
- You weren't followed?
- No one knows we're here.
Yeah, we don't even know where here is.
Cool.
Hey, I know you.
Yeah, you're that anarchist nut job.
Yeah, it's me.
Shouldn't you be in an
underground bunker somewhere?
No, I live in an apartment
a couple miles from here.
I guess people will believe anything
on the internet these days.
Sure, the character's embellished,
but I believe everything I said.
The world is going to shit.
So what's your flavor?
A Ruger LCP or nine mil
single stack, whichever works.
And a couple boxes of
ammo, and we can pay cash.
What? That's it.
We're not aiming to start a revolution.
It's just personal self defense.
Yeah, can we hurry
it up a little bit, please?
Relax, there's nothing around for miles.
- These are recent?
- Hot off the presses.
Take a look at this.
What the hell?
I'll get Jansen in on this.
This place closed down in the 80s.
No one comes out here.
No one?
The usual riff-raff,
society's undesirables.
The city dumped the first batch
of homeless people out here.
People,
humans,
thrown out like yesterday's newspaper.
Get outta here!
What's going on?
Hey wait, your bag.
Britt, we have to go, we have to go.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
All right, we prepared for this.
It's by the book until
this pandemic is over,
Miss Dawson has her three grocery outlets
centralized online,
ready to take orders from our elderly.
We have a small platoon of volunteers
to deliver groceries to them.
Pardon the military lingo,
this is all quite exciting.
Dan, over at the computer store
will make sure everybody's internet
is humming along just fine.
So Garth and his family
have officially donated
a ton of PPE supplies,
and they'll be available at
every business downtown.
Okay, we're at T-minus zero
and everything seems to be going as smooth
as a slip and slide.
How's your father doing?
Yeah, he's getting better.
So, I'm gonna do another
stress test on Dan's internet.
You know where to reach me.
My phones, emails, and message feeds
are open to anyone at all times.
Until then, I'll be in the
zone racking up my kill streak.
Reminds me of a
girl I used to date in LA.
Oh, don't forget that Aunt Deborah's
gonna be calling later
on tonight, Pacific time.
Oh, understood.
And she's going to be calling
somewhere down from the Maldives,
but you'll figure it out.
I will, I will.
Okay, June bug, I love you.
You stay safe, okay?
I love you too, mom.
I'll talk to you later.
You be safe. Bye-bye.
Okay, now back to the game.
Hopefully some good donations today.
Oh, I'm doing, you know,
essential delivery services,
so you know, just the essential stuff
and honestly, I like it.
It's coming to me directly.
I don't have to leave the house.
I love it, it's great.
Oh, hey, thanks so much Al.
Thanks for the donation.
Yeah, I see a car or two
going by, you know, out there.
It's pretty much a ghost town.
Oh, I am doing great today, guys.
I am really doing great
today with this game
and yeah, it's pretty much
just total dead out there.
Like I was saying,
you just see one or two
people going by, but that's it.
Like nothing, I don't
mind it like that, honestly.
Oh yeah listen, my advice
is, I think it's gonna get better.
It can't be like this.
It's only gonna get better.
Man, I am absolutely on fire today.
I am doing so good.
But listen, my word of
advice to you guys is,
have your essentials delivered.
That's the safe thing to do.
Be safe, please.
Oh, Mayor! Mayor in the house.
Mayor, Ready Player Two?
It's no longer airborne.
What virus mutates into
a less transmissible form?
It's not isolated.
We're getting reports
from around the world.
It's happening across the board.
It's changing its tactics.
The best way I can
describe the taste is, earthy.
Very grounded.
It's like taking a walk in the forest
when the sun comes out
and the dew hits the trees
and the leaves and the grass.
Yes, very grounded
with a hint of sweetness at the back.
Let's take a quiet moment
to honor our fellow team members
who are valiantly fighting the virus.
May they get well soon.
CIA and our Turkish team picked this up
a few hours before it went viral.
Is that Sohrab?
That is him.
He went for the bald look after all.
Wait, you know the lead immunologist
for the Iranian government?
We did our residency
together at John Hopkins.
That man is brilliant.
I thought he was gonna go to work
for a Swiss bio tech company.
He loved skiing.
Damn, why didn't I think of him?
Do you think that the mullahs
would come out to play?
Sure, why don't I get the
president to call the ayatollah
and ask if he can do him a solid?
You're gonna wanna sit for this.
Iran clamped up.
Typical theocracy bullshit.
I'm sorry, Edward.
Your college buddy caught the NIX virus.
They have him quarantined in his lab.
What about his files, his research?
Got this from the
Iranian Ministry of Health,
all of Sepehri's files and then some.
Not everyone's gunning for the afterlife.
Cooler heads and rational minds.
I've also sent these
to Jansen and the team.
It's in English.
Seems like the good professor intended
to pass on the information
when the time was right.
Lucky for us, the Health Minister himself
happened to concur with that intention.
Okay, let's get back to work.
Any news?
Nothing.
Heard from Martin?
Nothing either.
What's in the bag?
Let's open it.
How about we just
stare at it a little while longer?
This meeting will be recorded,
so if anybody wants to watch it,
it'll be available on our
council YouTube page.
The hospital's filled to capacity,
and I would like to thank the many families
that open up their homes
and volunteer their time to
help take care of the patients.
I've contacted the federal
state government for assistance.
I've contacted them numerous times.
I have not had a response.
We will get through this.
Meanwhile, there's a drink special
at Rowdy Mike's and Lily's.
You heard right.
Buy one drink, get the next one free.
This is it.
Something's happening to the infected.
Yes.
Good God, they're attacking.
Jansen, what's happening?
Jansen? Jansen, get
your team out of there.
NIX mutated it's structure
to maximize the spread,
by transmission.
This is the next phase.
Oh God, no.
Edward, those labs are
right outside your door, Edward!
Environmental containment compromised.
California, just you and me
California
Good for you
What the hell is this?
Hey, you have permission
to be in the driveway like that?
I wanna see proper paperwork
or I'm gonna call the cops.
You hear me?
What's wrong with you people?
Get some sun, will ya?
What is wrong with them?
Hey, I will not be harassed.
I have every right to be in this driveway.
You hear me?
Oh no.
Grandma Oxford.
Stupid Cynthia, I'm gonna
call the cops, you hear me?
I'm calling the cops on
you wandering pucks.
All of you.
Oh my God.
Pooper.
No, no!
Get away from me!
The national has been
activated in several states
to address this new development.
Oh my God,
I can't believe this is happening.
What am I gonna do?
Pumpkin,
I just want to say that I love you so much.
Mom, what's going on?
Your dad.
Where's Billy?
Mom, call the cops.
I did, nobody's answering.
Mom.
This is a test, this is a test.
Mom?
Brittany,
I love you, I love you so much.
Mom?
Mom,
mom.
Cath?
Cath?
Matty?
Matty.
I mean, come on, Rob.
You really believe that?
I think we'll have this all wrapped up
by the end of the year,
just in time for Christmas.
You've always been
the eternal optimist, Rob.
I'm the optimistic realist.
There's nothing wrong with a bit of levity.
- It keeps the mood up.
- That's right.
It's better with a smile than a frown.
Smile or frown,
we want everything back to normal,
if normal was ever a thing.
We don't even have a baseline.
We've always adapted.
Companies are making bank with masks,
gloves, and cleaning supplies.
Face masks with a sequin is a thing.
They've repurposed
abandoned malls and in facilities
to hold post-infection patients for a fee,
and business is booming.
Capitalism.
Yes, they have pandemic-themed fast foods,
zombie zingers, chicken
tenders with special sauce.
That's nationwide, selling like hotcakes.
I'm more of a seafood guy.
If a pandemic with hundreds of thousands
of people wandering
around in a catatonic state
doesn't cause a nationwide
alarm, then what would?
We've taken a national
disaster and adapted to it.
We're not sitting this out.
This is part of the game.
What's next?
If all these wandering and infected
were to suddenly turn against us,
would that be a new normal?
Would we adapt?
Would that be someone's
idea of an intended outcome?
I tell you what, I'd be
down for a couple of days.
Nah, a couple of hours,
but I'd take a long look out the window
and figure it out what my listeners want
and make adjustments to my sponsors.
This reminds me of a picture I once saw.
It was taken in the border
city of Nuevo Laredo
under the Collazio Bridge.
An outdoor street vendor was
setting up shop for the night
as he prepared his food over a hot stove.
And right next to him,
just above the bridge,
hung nine bodies of rival cartel members.
When asked about the
bodies, the vendor replied,
he saw those bodies
right before setting up shop,
but he knew that in a few hours,
the night shift from the
nearby factory was gonna end,
and the bulk of his daily earnings
were gonna come from that crowd.
Those bodies weren't stopping
him from earning his keep.
The man's got bills to pay, kids to feed.
And that's his new normal.
Even if it's good night, Irene,
someone's gonna figure out a way
to keep that wheel spinning.
Man, you're such a downer.
But on a completely different topic,
let's talk about permanent clown makeup.
It's the hottest fad right now,
and it's sweeping the
country, just like the virus.
This is Rob Peterson,
and I'll be right back
after a word from our sponsor, Red Lobster.
Fresh fish, live lobster,
and all the Cheddar Bay
biscuits you can handle.
Love is in the water
You are in the water
Cleaning is in my head
California is on TV
California is you and me
California is meant to be
California
Sun is on my shoulders
Moonbeams are everywhere
California is on TV
California is you and me
California is meant to be
California
It's fun, then you know
Fun, then you know
Fun, then in love
Fun, then you know
California is on TV
California is you and me
California is meant to be
California
Fun, then you know
Fun, then you know
Fun, then in love
Fun, then in love