Staying Alive (2015) Movie Script
- No...
- Yes!
- You can't go to bed now.
- I'm too tired for this.
Come on.
- I'm too tired. Look at this mess.
- We'll clean up afterward.
Come on.
Stand right there.
Marianne!
- Mommy, get up!
- Yeah, I'm coming.
Get up, mommy!
Our TV show has started.
- There!
- Mommy?
- I'm hungry.
- Me too.
No, you're not hungry yet.
Mommy...
- I am hungry.
- Me too.
- Starving?
- Yes.
What do you want?
- I want corn flakes.
- Me too.
Open wide!
Good job! I think
we'll have bread for breakfast.
No!
Oops!
I'd better vacuum that up.
Don't step on the floor.
Look at this.
Come over here.
Jens, stand right here, next to Emma.
Stand there.
Now watch this.
Now they're inside
the vacuum cleaner. Look.
- See them?
- Yeah.
Marianne?
Come on.
"Come here instead, daddy."
"Come.
And lie down on the couch."
You guys!
"Mommy isn't here."
"Why do you always have to clean up?"
"Because you never do."
Come on!
OK.
Let's do as daddy says.
Clean, clean, clean.
Or maybe not.
Let's cuddle some more.
Hkon?
Svein is wondering
if you're on your way.
There's my phone!
Unplug the charger cable.
- Yes.
- OK.
- Have fun!
- Thanks.
- Bye.
- Will you be late?
I don't know.
I haven't seen him for a while.
Maybe.
Hang on.
Before you go...
"It was a night in June."
- "In June."
- "When..."
- I have to go.
- Wait.
- "When the summer was at its..."
- "Best!"
"She danced..."
OK.
Kids?
Are you with me?
Emma, wake up. Ready?
Jens?
Jens?
There you are.
Ready?
Lovely!
Yes!
- I'll go get some Thai takeout.
- Great. Get me number 25.
Did you have fun last night?
- Yeah.
- How is Svein?
He was in good spirits,
but he's gotten fat.
- Hasn't he always been fat?
- Yeah, but now he's huge. Massive.
- OK. Number 25.
- OK.
Marianne, hi!
Svein! Hi.
Long time, no see.
- How are you doing?
- Great. And you?
Have you lost some weight?
Yes, I have.
I've started working out.
- I'm an exercise machine.
- You look great.
Thanks.
I've lost 20 kilos.
Really?
20 kilos?
Torunn and I work out together.
Through an online club.
It's worked great, at least for me.
Torunn's actually gained some.
- It is boring to work out.
- It is.
I have to run.
Say hi to Hkon.
Tell him we should get together
for a beer soon. Bye!
- Svein?
- Yeah?
- What did you say?
- Say hi to Hkon.
We should go out for a beer.
I haven't seen him for a while.
Did you know there are a million ants
for every human on earth?
And Dolly Parton wrote "Jolene" and
"I Will Always Love You" the same day.
- Where were you and Svein last night?
- Tamara.
- Was it crowded?
- No more than usual.
Emma and Jens, dinner!
- Aren't you having any?
- I'm not very hungry.
Look at this!
Did you know that Coca-Cola is green?
Food coloring makes it black.
Spoon or chopsticks?
You both want chopsticks?
They're almost asleep.
We should have guests more often.
We just had a party on Friday.
There's no law against relaxing.
We could move to Moss.
Things are relaxing there.
Kristin and Truls were just here.
Let's at least get the place clean.
It is clean.
Let's invite someone over.
Fine.
Fun, fun, fun, all the time.
I thought maybe we could invite
Svein and Torunn next weekend.
It's been a while.
- Isn't Torunn too religious for you?
- I've always liked her.
- And Svein has become so dull.
- And fat?
Truls and Kristin are more fun.
Let me call Torunn right away,
so we don't forget.
Wait!
Let's see...
Hey, don't do that.
- What are you up to?
- Me?
- What are you really up to?
- Huh?
Tell me.
- What?
- You didn't meet Svein yesterday.
- How do you know that?
- You aren't the one asking questions.
- I...
- Mommy, I can't sleep!
Let me check on them.
You can stop scratching her back now.
She's asleep.
There.
So, who is she?
- Who?
- Come on!
Someone from...
From...?
From...
She's from...?
Accounting.
She's from Accounting?
Who is it?
It's...
Frida.
Do you mean the same Frida
that brings her waffle iron
and makes waffles on Fridays?
Are we talking about the same Frida?
Yeah.
Waffle Frida.
- OK, let's see...
- Stop it.
Give me that.
Give me my phone.
Give it to me!
- Stop kidding around.
- No.
Sit down, Hkon!
Sit down!
Sit yourself down!
Come on.
Let's see.
"I can't wait to see you."
And a smiley.
I didn't know you used smileys?
Nice.
And a reply from SVEIN,
with capital letters.
- Of course, Frida is Svein.
- Please...
SVEIN, with capital letters, replies:
"Come on in.
I'm in the shower."
And a smiley
with a funny expression.
Do you have your own key?
OK.
And you reply:
"Don't bother getting dressed."
Smiley, smiley...
Smiley.
Three smileys?
You must
really be excited!
Is her key on your key chain?
Anyway, when you...
When you went over there
with your own key,
and she sat there naked,
and you got undressed...
My question to you, Hkon, is:
Did you bother using a rubber?
A rubber?
- Did you shower before coming home?
- Sorry.
I could be full of VD.
I might have HIV.
We might all have it. You might have
infected your entire family with HIV!
Because you had to fuck!
- Our kids don't have HIV.
- They might!
You can only get HIV
through sexual contact.
Stop it!
When have you fucked? Where?
When have you had time?
- Where have you done it?
- Stop.
- We're just getting started!
- I don't want to do this.
- Answer me!
- I can't.
I have a right to an answer.
- It's the least you can do!
- Why?
I spent 15 years with you!
Gave birth to your children!
Answer me, Hkon!
Fine! We've fucked everywhere!
Mostly at her place.
At work.
After work.
In the car.
Out in the woods.
We love fucking in the outdoors.
Love it!
In the park.
In the park, right out here.
We fucked behind that tree.
You happy?
I don't know how many times.
But it was great.
It was awesome!
There.
Did it feel good to hear that?
I'm sorry.
Christ, I...
We haven't fucked here.
We have never fucked here.
You have to believe me.
I would never do that.
Go to hell, Hkon.
That chick from Accounting?
Boring!
But the boring ones
are best in the sack.
Boring and straight by day,
horny and crazy by night.
It's true. Look at my sister.
Pearl earrings, buttoned blouse.
And that disgusting,
shy, Christian smile.
Yet she sleeps with everyone.
She's lethal.
"I'm a soprano in Ten Sing!"
Who loves to screw around.
"When's the next break,
so I can fuck?" Gross!
- Fucking and cookies.
- Yech!
- Jesus Christ.
- It's disgusting. Coffee and cookies.
And fucking in the corner.
Look. Lots of little holes,
so he won't notice them for a while.
Nice.
- I've gotten so fat.
- Really? Let me see.
- I've been gaining a kilo a week.
- That means over 40 kilos total.
I'm going to weigh over 100 kilos.
Yech.
Anyway, he feels so guilty now
that you can do anything.
You can go out every night.
"I crave attention!"
- And you can buy that Acne jacket.
- What, wear that and forgive him?
I don't know if I want him back.
You have two kids. It will take time,
but everything will work out.
- Think so?
- I know so. Everyone says that.
Could you get dressed?
We have to leave.
But where's dad?
He had to go to work early today.
- Come on, get ready.
- Hello!
- Hi there.
- Hi.
Hi.
Come on.
There.
Let's go.
- Mom said you were at work.
- Yeah?
I'm taking you to school.
Hurry up.
There.
- You OK?
- Excellent!
Come on.
Chop, chop.
- Hi. Don't go, Marianne.
- I have to go to work.
We have to talk.
Please.
What was it like to come back home
after you had fucked?
You sure were in a good mood.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I am so miserable.
I just never thought
you would do something like this.
I'm sorry.
I always thought
I would be the one to cheat on you.
I know!
I'm not the type.
- Has our relationship been so bad?
- No, not at all.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
You and me, Hkon.
Want me to make some coffee?
- Don't ever do that again.
- Never.
But I've been thinking...
Maybe it's best we take a break.
A...?
A break.
A break?
- What, are you fourteen?
- No, but...
I think it would be best.
- What?
- That we move apart.
No, that is not best.
Marianne, I am so sorry.
I should have done this differently.
But I just haven't been able to.
So you're leaving now?
You hadn't planned
to beg to get your family back?
Aren't you going to beg me
to take you back?
No? Is there nothing to beg for,
nothing worth fighting for?
So you're just going to leave?
Go to your ten-year-old waffle girl?
I'm sure you'll have a great time.
You're going to argue like hell!
I would never do this to you!
I have always been nice!
She'll want to go out and you
won't know any of the clubs,
because you're so damn old!
And that coat is ugly!
- Did we win?
- Let's see what we have.
Yes, 1000 kroner!
You sure know how to scrape them!
You're a magician!
Marianne?
What are you doing here?
- I forgot it was scratch-ticket night.
- And we just won!
- Have you met?
- Yes. Hi.
- How lovely you are!
- She wasn't much to look at as a kid.
- Don't say that!
- I'm just joking!
I have to go back down.
The kids are asleep in the car.
- Have you driven here from Oslo?
- Yes.
So I have to go down to them.
- I'll pick them up tomorrow.
- Trouble on the home front?
Just don't do anything foolish.
There.
Nice balloon.
- Flipper.
- Yeah.
I don't want to be alone.
He'll be back before you know it.
Be careful
so you don't get Marianne's
hopes up.
- Because he may not come back.
- Be careful! Please!
- Hkon has thought this through.
- No, he hasn't.
Or he wouldn't have ended up
in this situation.
- Are you defending that idiot?
- No.
But you're filling her with bullshit.
If he comes back, it's a bonus.
A bonus?
Listen to yourself! Bonus?
We are 90 degrees off now.
Completely wrong.
Now I want you to relax.
- And take a hard left.
- OK.
Left!
Why are you turning to the right?
- Stop distracting me!
- You don't know right from left.
Show me, what's right?
You hesitated. You don't
have time for that in traffic.
Hello?
Daddy!
Hi.
Hi, "daddy."
- Is it gross to see me naked?
- No.
- Are there new rules now?
- Yeah, kind of.
After three weeks?
Jesus Christ.
The thing is, daddy has been fucking
another lady for a long, long time.
He has done it out back,
by that tree you like to climb.
But he has never done it in here.
And so we have decided
to get divorced.
Something like that?
Emma, Jens?
We have some candy for you.
One, two, three, four.
- OK.
- Now it's Jens' turn.
Five.
One, two, three...
- You can't move there.
- Right. I'll go one, two, three...
Emma and Jens, there's...
- Your turn to roll.
- In a minute. But first...
Mommy and I
have something to tell you.
- Roll the dice!
- Yeah.
Right.
You know how some children...
- Roll!
- Listen to your mother.
Shit!
- I'm OK.
- Look at daddy. He wet his pants.
Daddy wet his pants!
Your turn.
Where are you going?
- I need to change my pants.
- Let's do this first.
OK.
Fine.
Let daddy wipe it up.
Wipe up the pee.
No problem.
There we go.
Anyway...
The thing is, there are going to be
some changes around here.
Right?
Yeah. What daddy is trying
to say, is that
we have decided
not to live together anymore.
Why not?
Because we have decided to stop
being boyfriend and girlfriend.
I will still live here,
and daddy will find another apartment.
No, I won't let you!
I won't let you!
Emma?
Emma, listen...
Emma.
Emma, please come out.
There.
That went well, don't you think?
What do you think?
I think it went fine.
OK.
We should still try to do
some things together as a family.
- Sure.
- For the kids.
OK.
That fund-raising campaign
is something we could do together.
Of course.
Let's do that. Bye.
What a mess!
- You're so thin.
- All divorces lose weight.
- Just put it behind you.
- Dad thinks you're fussing too much.
- Seriously?
- It was just a little fling.
You guys are so clueless!
- Do you have a napkin?
- Sure. Hold on.
- There. And take this.
- It's still dripping. More paper.
A little extracurricular activity
is only to be expected.
What's the big deal?
Are you on Hkon's side?
What kind of parents are you?
Of course we support you, but...
- It's such a hassle.
- Divorces are a pain.
And damned expensive.
Look at me!
You laughed when you were this size.
- I'm a jokester.
- That's what you are.
Where do you want this?
This way.
A lot of people are stingy
and don't give anything.
They save all their money for candy.
- I want to ring the doorbell!
- OK.
Hi, we're from
the fund-raising campaign.
- There. Start at the top.
- All the way up.
- One thing about Frida...
- Not now.
Shouldn't she meet the kids?
- You want the kids to meet her?
- Yes, and you too.
No, thanks.
Fine.
Frida's family has a cabin in Trysil.
- Did you get anything?
- A little.
It's super heavy!
Take it! Help me!
Boy, are you strong!
We got lots of money.
This will take some time
to get used to.
- It isn't easy for me, either.
- Have you had your teeth whitened?
Are you guys coming, or what?
You're so slow!
Now you've got it!
- One more time.
- Watch your legs.
And again.
He's getting off so easy.
A cabin in Trysil?
- He's broke.
- Poor Hkon has to pay child support!
Frida is financing his life now.
All his money either goes to
his new apartment or to Marianne.
Serves him right.
Turn off the wipers!
I don't know how I turned them on.
You don't know
how to turn off the wipers?
- Haven't you learned...
- Let me focus on driving this thing!
Nope.
You have to look over your shoulder
when you back up. Turn around.
And now he has a cabin in Trysil!
- You're being completely irrational.
- Am I?
Screw it.
The car is too big for this spot.
Don't lose confidence now.
You're doing great.
Just relax. Look behind you.
There's plenty of room. Go ahead.
First one up!
- Hello!
- Hi, mommy!
Hi, guys.
- Did you have fun?
- It was awesome!
Yum.
Lots of sugar.
And then 1 dl of flour.
Can you get that, Emma?
So what did you do in Trysil?
We had a roof window.
And we played cards.
I won every time.
- And we cooked hot dogs over a fire.
- And they had a telescope.
- It was great.
- The best vacation ever!
Really?
The best ever?
- The super-best ever.
- Great.
And Frida was really nice.
We became best friends.
I hope we can go back there sometime.
- Jens!
- Turn it off!
Do you have to make such a mess?
Get out of here!
Get out!
I can't take any more of this. Go!
- What a mess!
- You said we'd have a nice time.
Shit!
Dammit!
Shit!
Mom, Luke's head
is stuck in Pat's butt.
What?
Jens!
What in the world?
Who is worse off?
Luke Skywalker or Postman Pat?
Postman Pat.
He has a head in his butt.
He has a head up his ass.
OK, this is gonna get ugly.
I have to pull him out with my mouth.
Yech, don't do it, mom!
No!
Jens?
- Here you go.
- Gross!
Write, "Happy birthday, grandma."
"Hugs from Emma, Jens and Marianne."
Look, mommy.
Who is that on the ground?
- Grandma.
- Is that grandma? Well done, Jens.
Emma, can you help him wrap that?
I have to get changed.
Careful.
Hi.
Hi!
Frida.
Hello.
- Marianne.
- Nice to meet you.
- I just have to...
- Bye!
- Bye.
- You said you were coming!
I'm not.
See you later.
How did we not see this coming?
We have been so stupid!
- Can you drink?
- Sure, I'm not nauseous anymore.
It's so obvious.
He's having a classic mid-life crisis.
How did we not see that?
I don't get it.
Give that waffle chick 45 minutes,
and he'll dump her.
When the thrill is gone, what's left?
Nothing!
- I don't know.
- You don't, but I do.
I have read that men's testosterone
level drops around the age of 40.
They start running around
like headless chickens.
Running after girls.
I swear. I've read it.
Know what else I've read
that's totally fascinating?
In a matter of weeks,
their shoulders shrink
and their waistlines expand.
They end up looking like Gus Goose.
They basically become women.
Get ovaries and boobs.
OK, maybe not ovaries,
but definitely huge tits.
And some even start menstruating.
- I read it in Science Illustrated.
- No, you didn't!
That's what's happened
to Auntie Hkon.
Auntie Hkon menstruates.
"Marianne, lend me a maxi pad!"
How would you like that?
"An extra absorbent one,
my balls are so sweaty!"
Imagine that!
- You can share pads.
- Stop it. You're disgusting!
- Don't...
- It is disgusting.
"Can I borrow a maxi pad?"
he'll yell from the bathroom.
- It's true.
- That is so gross.
I have such an incredible craving
for peanuts and alcohol.
It's so annoying.
I hate seeing pregnant women
drink cheap wine. Canepa.
"Don't forget
that there's a kid in there!"
Mommy, hi!
- Emma?
- Mommy!
- Hi, Emma!
- Hi, mommy!
- Mommy!
- Emma!
Hi, honey.
What are you doing here?
- Hi.
- We're swimming.
- Where are Hkon and Jens?
- It's just us girls.
Frida and I have a swimming day.
Emma has become such a good swimmer.
You're doing great.
Even better than last time.
And now we're going for hot chocolate.
Bye, mom!
- Remember those cinnamon buns?
- They were delicious!
- Hello?
- Hello.
What's happened here?
Have you painted?
Or refurnished?
You've cleaned house. How scary!
I'm getting this spooky vibe.
Could you move?
He's about to weigh himself.
Damn, he's lost 8.5 kilos
in three weeks.
That's impressive.
You enjoying that salmon dinner?
Fish and broccoli?
That's hollandaise.
You've made hollandaise from scratch,
haven't you?
What the hell is going on?
What are you doing
eating this organic shit?
- What the hell should I do?
- What you should do?
Turn off that TV, go barhopping,
pick up guys,
tuck your dress in your pantyhose,
puke behind a car,
and continue the party up here.
Not eat organic shit!
Fine!
You just don't get it!
It's unnatural not being allowed
to see your own kids.
Some marriage counselor bitch
in her dull fucking outfit
has decided when I can see them!
182 days a year.
That's what I get.
The rest of those days, I spend alone.
And I hate being alone.
I don't want time off
from my own children.
One week on, one week off?
What kind of bullshit is that?
- I'm sorry.
- That's why I make hollandaise!
I apologize.
So...
So how much has that little shit lost?
8.5 kilos in three weeks.
Christ.
And he's still that fat?
I'm impressed.
- Hello, sunshine!
- Hi.
I hope you're on Tinder.
The weather forecast?
Want to go out for a beer?
I wanted to ask you about something.
I wonder if maybe it isn't time
I had a turn on my back?
You know?
Simply get my muff stuffed.
Get my plumbing fixed in the most
dirty, filthy, primitive manner.
Yes!
You make me so happy.
I'm practically crying!
I'm drooling!
What are all these people doing here?
Is it quiz night?
I think people just go out a lot.
Oslo has become the new Italy.
It's true.
I've read it.
I went out with Trude on Wednesday.
God, was it boring!
She was worried someone
would slip her a mickey. Not likely!
And so I just...
Hang on.
Come here!
It's... Johnny Logan!
OK, OK...
"OK, you have to talk English.
Johnny be good!"
- OK!
- Johnny wasn't finished.
I regret not going for it.
The point is,
he rubbed up against you.
Not everyone has gotten rubbed
by Johnny Logan.
Hello?
- Buy me out?
- Yeah.
Frida sold her apartment,
so now we can buy you out.
You can't afford to buy me out, so...
We haven't paid down
the mortgage at all.
You wanted it interest only,
so we could afford take-out.
I also expected us to stay together
another 20 years.
Not for me.
- No butter on your pasta?
- That fat is unnecessary.
It's good the kids
get to keep their home.
Nope.
OK... Do you have
any better suggestions?
It's fascinating how impossible it is
to discuss anything with you.
Hi.
What is going on?
Where is dad?
He...
I suppose he's at home.
Are you having an affair
with scratch-ticket Steinar?
I don't know
if you can call it an affair.
- Does dad know?
- Yes, actually, he does.
He does?
Are you getting divorced?
No way!
Not at all.
But he's OK with you being here?
- Sure.
- And with you having an affair?
- Have you lost your minds?
- It may seem strange...
Strange?
It's totally bizarre!
Anyway, it is what it is. I have to
go in before the meat gets cold.
What brought you here, anyway?
I need 1.5 million kroner.
My sweet, darling Marianne.
We're mortgaged to the hilt,
so we can enjoy our retirement.
Enjoy our camper here.
- Go to Spain...
- Right.
And we had that water leak.
That was expensive.
I can help you with a few thousand,
but 1.5 million?
Frida's buying me out.
The bank won't lend any more.
No.
Splitting up sucks.
It's expensive to live alone.
Especially in Oslo.
Here you go.
- No, mom.
- Yes, take it. Buy something pretty.
You have such a lovely figure,
now that you've lost so much weight.
Thanks.
Bye.
- You have lots of stuff in the drawer.
- Yeah.
What is all this?
- That's Hkon's family silver.
- Hkon's?
I think we'll say your family silver.
This is yours now.
Have you gone through
all these drawers?
- Your kids make this?
- Hkon's niece.
- She goes to a Waldorf School.
- I can see that.
- And this?
- From his nephew.
Are they all klutzes?
If you go to a Waldorf School
and can't make a handle...
1650 kroner a month for a Waldorf
education, and they bring home this?
Give me a break!
What do we have here?
These are nice!
- Hadeland.
- Is that fancy?
Hadeland? Definitely!
Is it yours?
I suppose it's ours.
Hkon's parents give it to us.
Then it's yours now.
- I can't get this down.
- Just yank it.
I'll go look for more silver.
Hey, give me that.
There!
Why do you have Hkon's suit?
Just cut.
Don't be afraid.
- A little bigger.
- Bigger?
Don't be shy.
Be confident.
- There!
- Good. You aren't ruining them.
You just want him to feel
his dick fall out.
- Awesome.
- This is his Christmas suit.
And it'll just dangle there.
No, don't throw that away!
We aren't cruel.
Take a safety pin like this...
Attach it like this...
- And pin it to his butt.
- Back here?
Excellent.
Do you have a cup of salt
I could dip these in?
- Aren't they salty enough?
- They're so sweet it's nauseating.
Just find something I can dip them in.
I think I need a screwdriver.
- Phillips or flat?
- Let me try the Phillips.
Thanks.
So, dad, are you perfectly OK
with mom and Steinar's affair?
Damn, this is stuck!
Give me the flat one.
Can you answer me?
- Is it OK for you?
- What?
Is it OK
that they're having an affair?
We've done this for 20 years.
- For 20 years?
- That's what it's like to be married.
- What does Steinar's wife say?
- She's always been a slut.
But that's between them.
And now I want some coffee.
- Bodil?
- Coming!
- Is the coffee ready?
- Sure is.
I don't get it.
How can you live like that?
We're done talking about this now.
It's coffee time.
- Thanks. Do you have anything sweet?
- Of course I do, honey.
Marianne, your father and I
agreed on this ages ago.
But we chose to stay together.
We have our house, and you.
- And this camper.
- And Steinar.
Do you share him too?
You're mixing apples and oranges.
We're happy together.
- We really are.
- And there's so much humor.
- We're both mischievous.
- Especially you.
You aren't half bad yourself.
There!
Did you see that?
You've got ten meters in front of you.
I wouldn't exactly brag.
Question:
Are you OK with Waffle Girl
moving into their apartment?
I think it's great that the kids
can stay in their apartment.
With a new mother?
Is that great?
No, but sometimes
that's the way things work out.
- Was that us?
- No, it was him. Go get him!
- Are you insane?!
- Go for it.
Hey!
He just drove off.
- People are crazy.
- Totally insane.
- Marianne, this place is a mess.
- And so cramped.
Leave, if you think
it's so terrible here.
We've talked about this.
Do you and the kids want to move
into our basement apartment?
Your mother has washed and vacuumed.
- It's a real cool apartment now.
- Yeah.
And after a while you could get
a house with a yard.
And a carport.
It's impossible to park in this town.
- I don't want to move back to Moss.
- Don't be so selfish.
The kids can't grow up in this closet.
The kids happen to have a father
who lives here.
Stop listening to those counselors.
I'm sure they're all socialists.
They force the children
on their father.
Your maternal instinct is stronger.
That's nature.
Nature.
We just have to clean it up a little,
and this place will be great.
Here's our tomato plant.
So we can have Pasta Bolognese
for dinner.
Won't this be great?
Once we get it cleaned up?
And put everything away?
This will be your room.
This will be nice
once we get it cleaned up.
And you'll get new beds, of course.
Emma?
Emma, what are you doing?
Hey...
- I want to go home.
- This is home.
I don't like it here.
Of course you can stay here.
You're perfectly welcome.
- It's OK.
- Where is Hkon?
He's on his way home.
Jens?
Hey, Jens.
- What is it?
- I want to sleep in my own bed.
- You can sleep in my bed.
- I want to stay here.
He's welcome to stay here too.
No problem. But tomorrow
you have to stay with mommy.
Let's take off your coat.
Bye.
Bye, Marianne.
See you later.
Hi there.
Wait, Marianne.
What are you doing here?
- Daddy, hi!
- Hi, kids!
- Ready?
- Yes.
- Cheers.
- One, two, three.
OK.
So, babe, did you know "Staying Alive"
has saved thousands of lives?
Everyone remembers that beat,
and can thus perform CPR perfectly.
Want me to show you?
Let me find your heart first.
Your heart is on the right.
- That's very rare.
- Really?
One in a million.
OK.
And how is it you know all this?
I'm a fireman.
A fireman...
So, Mr. Fireman,
want me to show you something?
- Want me to show you a magic trick?
- Sure.
How about I make your wedding ring
disappear for a while?
OK.
Wedding ring.
Napkin.
Wrap it.
Take a lighter.
Pay attention now.
This is something for you.
Watch this.
So...
- Let's go back to my place.
- Yeah.
It's crazy.
I've heard
that tons of men are unfaithful
when their wives get pregnant.
- Is that a fact?
- It was in the paper.
Over 70 %.
Almost 78 %.
OK.
I know you wouldn't mind
sleeping with some young hottie.
I wouldn't have the confidence.
- Wrong answer.
- I know.
I heard it as soon as I said it.
It's understandable.
You haven't dipped it in a while.
"Dipped it"?
When did we start saying "dipped it"?
- This is a pointless conversation.
- I agree.
But admit that you've been turned on
by someone at work.
- Some hot chick.
- I work in IT. There are no hot chicks.
There must be some delivery girl,
someone who makes waffles?
No.
Stop it.
Why are you so insistent?
You're making me believe there is.
- Stop it!
- I can tell. There is someone!
Stop it!
Sorry.
Kristin, I'm sorry. I apologize.
- You just went too far.
- Yes, I did.
Hey...
Kristin, don't go.
- We'll laugh about this tomorrow!
- You laugh, you bastard!
Come on, Kristin!
Kristin!
Come on, please.
What happened?
It wasn't my fault.
Come on.
Kristin!
Hi!
What are you doing here?
- We ran away.
- Why?
- Daddy and Frida are arguing.
- Come in.
So you came over here on your own?
Take your coats off.
Hey, honey...
OK, come here.
"It was a night in..."
"June!"
- "When the summer was at its..."
- "Best."
"She danced for her..."
"Grandpa!"
"Whom she liked the..."
"Best."
Everybody now!
- Daddy!
- Hi, daddy!
Hi!
I wish you hadn't
had to hear us argue.
It's OK.
- Can I open this, daddy?
- Open it? Of course.
- Go for it.
- Would you like some wine, Hkon?
Sure.
Whoa!
Look at him.
They sure are good.
Oops.
- Maybe you should kiss?
- No, I don't think so.
- Pee pee against pee-pee?
- What?
Are you gonna put
pee-pee against pee-pee?
You...
Oh, Jens.
I don't think so.
I thought we could keep things simple.
Have the four of us celebrate
Christmas together.
Just the four of us.
That will make the kids happy, right?
Good.
- This wasn't such a good idea.
- I don't know.
- So we'll talk about Christmas later?
- Sure.
Great.
- Hi there!
- Hi.
Good day to you.
- OK.
- Have a great time.
No, I want you to come in!
- No, I'm not coming in.
- I want you to come in!
Hi, Jens! Come on in.
I just made waffles.
- You heard her.
- You're welcome to stay.
- No, I should go.
- Come in!
- No.
- Stop it, Jens.
Come in!
Would you come in for a few minutes?
Fine, I'll come in for a quick visit.
- Yippee!
- Yeah. Great.
What do you want to play, Jens?
Idiot?
- Yes. And I'm gonna win.
- You are? I doubt that.
This is the world's best coffee!
This will be cozy.
Waffle, waffle, waffle...
It smells lovely.
These waffles are yummy!
Come in and sit down.
Thank goodness!
OK, and now it's my turn.
There.
- What do you have?
- That wasn't very nice.
- Can I draw a card?
- Yes.
- Lucky.
- Yay!
- If you play a... OK.
- Like that?
- We both need the same card.
- Don't peek.
That one is mine!
Take that!
OK.
I'm not going to peek.
But it's tempting.
You can peek if you want.
- Are you playing together?
- No, we're just...
- OK.
- Oh, no!
There.
- No, it isn't your turn.
- No. It's Emma's turn.
She played a ten.
- I don't get it.
- After a ten she gets to go again.
OK.
These waffles are fantastic.
Now it's your turn to play the card
you've already shown us.
- Like this?
- Great.
You're peeking again!
Did you know the king of hearts
is the only king without a mustache?
- Jens?
- Can you take that?
Too bad for your dad, but good for me.
- I can imagine.
- Thank you!
What's this?
Are you best buddies now?
I heard you and Hkon had talked
about Christmas Eve?
Yes, we have talked about Christmas.
You're welcome to spend it with us.
- That would be lovely.
- Yeah.
Wouldn't that be lovely?
Just the five of us.
You wouldn't have to do anything.
I'll take care of it.
Look at this!
Look at these lousy cards, Jens.
- Daddy, you're an idiot!
- Fine, I lost.
I knew it!
Can I have a comfort waffle?
The loser gets a comfort waffle.
You don't get one!
Hey.
I'm sorry about Christmas Eve.
Hkon, I'm done.
- We'll have the kids every other year.
- Isn't this fine?
No, this isn't fine.
I hate playing phony family.
You could try. I'm working my butt off
to make things nice for the kids.
Working your butt off?
Here, eat your damn comfort waffle!
- Are you crazy?
- I'll tell you what's crazy!
Crazy is having gnomes on plates
just because it's December.
Let go!
Take it easy.
This is hard enough for me.
What is so hard for you?
I have so many to consider.
You, Frida, the kids...
- You consider me?
- Yes, and I'm doing my best.
You only have yourself to think about.
While I have to run
back and forth between you.
The five of us could have
a cozy Christmas together
if you would be a little flexible.
Cozy?
Cozy?!
Is that the only word you know?
You fucking Christmas king!
There is nothing cozy about Christmas!
Christmas is supposed to be fun!
No!
Hi, Frida.
Hkon?
Merry Christmas.
Emma, Jens?
Come here for a second.
Stand next to me.
Want me to perform a magic trick?
Watch this.
Hocus, pocus
fiddle-dee-dee!
Nice, huh?
- Yes!
- You can't go to bed now.
- I'm too tired for this.
Come on.
- I'm too tired. Look at this mess.
- We'll clean up afterward.
Come on.
Stand right there.
Marianne!
- Mommy, get up!
- Yeah, I'm coming.
Get up, mommy!
Our TV show has started.
- There!
- Mommy?
- I'm hungry.
- Me too.
No, you're not hungry yet.
Mommy...
- I am hungry.
- Me too.
- Starving?
- Yes.
What do you want?
- I want corn flakes.
- Me too.
Open wide!
Good job! I think
we'll have bread for breakfast.
No!
Oops!
I'd better vacuum that up.
Don't step on the floor.
Look at this.
Come over here.
Jens, stand right here, next to Emma.
Stand there.
Now watch this.
Now they're inside
the vacuum cleaner. Look.
- See them?
- Yeah.
Marianne?
Come on.
"Come here instead, daddy."
"Come.
And lie down on the couch."
You guys!
"Mommy isn't here."
"Why do you always have to clean up?"
"Because you never do."
Come on!
OK.
Let's do as daddy says.
Clean, clean, clean.
Or maybe not.
Let's cuddle some more.
Hkon?
Svein is wondering
if you're on your way.
There's my phone!
Unplug the charger cable.
- Yes.
- OK.
- Have fun!
- Thanks.
- Bye.
- Will you be late?
I don't know.
I haven't seen him for a while.
Maybe.
Hang on.
Before you go...
"It was a night in June."
- "In June."
- "When..."
- I have to go.
- Wait.
- "When the summer was at its..."
- "Best!"
"She danced..."
OK.
Kids?
Are you with me?
Emma, wake up. Ready?
Jens?
Jens?
There you are.
Ready?
Lovely!
Yes!
- I'll go get some Thai takeout.
- Great. Get me number 25.
Did you have fun last night?
- Yeah.
- How is Svein?
He was in good spirits,
but he's gotten fat.
- Hasn't he always been fat?
- Yeah, but now he's huge. Massive.
- OK. Number 25.
- OK.
Marianne, hi!
Svein! Hi.
Long time, no see.
- How are you doing?
- Great. And you?
Have you lost some weight?
Yes, I have.
I've started working out.
- I'm an exercise machine.
- You look great.
Thanks.
I've lost 20 kilos.
Really?
20 kilos?
Torunn and I work out together.
Through an online club.
It's worked great, at least for me.
Torunn's actually gained some.
- It is boring to work out.
- It is.
I have to run.
Say hi to Hkon.
Tell him we should get together
for a beer soon. Bye!
- Svein?
- Yeah?
- What did you say?
- Say hi to Hkon.
We should go out for a beer.
I haven't seen him for a while.
Did you know there are a million ants
for every human on earth?
And Dolly Parton wrote "Jolene" and
"I Will Always Love You" the same day.
- Where were you and Svein last night?
- Tamara.
- Was it crowded?
- No more than usual.
Emma and Jens, dinner!
- Aren't you having any?
- I'm not very hungry.
Look at this!
Did you know that Coca-Cola is green?
Food coloring makes it black.
Spoon or chopsticks?
You both want chopsticks?
They're almost asleep.
We should have guests more often.
We just had a party on Friday.
There's no law against relaxing.
We could move to Moss.
Things are relaxing there.
Kristin and Truls were just here.
Let's at least get the place clean.
It is clean.
Let's invite someone over.
Fine.
Fun, fun, fun, all the time.
I thought maybe we could invite
Svein and Torunn next weekend.
It's been a while.
- Isn't Torunn too religious for you?
- I've always liked her.
- And Svein has become so dull.
- And fat?
Truls and Kristin are more fun.
Let me call Torunn right away,
so we don't forget.
Wait!
Let's see...
Hey, don't do that.
- What are you up to?
- Me?
- What are you really up to?
- Huh?
Tell me.
- What?
- You didn't meet Svein yesterday.
- How do you know that?
- You aren't the one asking questions.
- I...
- Mommy, I can't sleep!
Let me check on them.
You can stop scratching her back now.
She's asleep.
There.
So, who is she?
- Who?
- Come on!
Someone from...
From...?
From...
She's from...?
Accounting.
She's from Accounting?
Who is it?
It's...
Frida.
Do you mean the same Frida
that brings her waffle iron
and makes waffles on Fridays?
Are we talking about the same Frida?
Yeah.
Waffle Frida.
- OK, let's see...
- Stop it.
Give me that.
Give me my phone.
Give it to me!
- Stop kidding around.
- No.
Sit down, Hkon!
Sit down!
Sit yourself down!
Come on.
Let's see.
"I can't wait to see you."
And a smiley.
I didn't know you used smileys?
Nice.
And a reply from SVEIN,
with capital letters.
- Of course, Frida is Svein.
- Please...
SVEIN, with capital letters, replies:
"Come on in.
I'm in the shower."
And a smiley
with a funny expression.
Do you have your own key?
OK.
And you reply:
"Don't bother getting dressed."
Smiley, smiley...
Smiley.
Three smileys?
You must
really be excited!
Is her key on your key chain?
Anyway, when you...
When you went over there
with your own key,
and she sat there naked,
and you got undressed...
My question to you, Hkon, is:
Did you bother using a rubber?
A rubber?
- Did you shower before coming home?
- Sorry.
I could be full of VD.
I might have HIV.
We might all have it. You might have
infected your entire family with HIV!
Because you had to fuck!
- Our kids don't have HIV.
- They might!
You can only get HIV
through sexual contact.
Stop it!
When have you fucked? Where?
When have you had time?
- Where have you done it?
- Stop.
- We're just getting started!
- I don't want to do this.
- Answer me!
- I can't.
I have a right to an answer.
- It's the least you can do!
- Why?
I spent 15 years with you!
Gave birth to your children!
Answer me, Hkon!
Fine! We've fucked everywhere!
Mostly at her place.
At work.
After work.
In the car.
Out in the woods.
We love fucking in the outdoors.
Love it!
In the park.
In the park, right out here.
We fucked behind that tree.
You happy?
I don't know how many times.
But it was great.
It was awesome!
There.
Did it feel good to hear that?
I'm sorry.
Christ, I...
We haven't fucked here.
We have never fucked here.
You have to believe me.
I would never do that.
Go to hell, Hkon.
That chick from Accounting?
Boring!
But the boring ones
are best in the sack.
Boring and straight by day,
horny and crazy by night.
It's true. Look at my sister.
Pearl earrings, buttoned blouse.
And that disgusting,
shy, Christian smile.
Yet she sleeps with everyone.
She's lethal.
"I'm a soprano in Ten Sing!"
Who loves to screw around.
"When's the next break,
so I can fuck?" Gross!
- Fucking and cookies.
- Yech!
- Jesus Christ.
- It's disgusting. Coffee and cookies.
And fucking in the corner.
Look. Lots of little holes,
so he won't notice them for a while.
Nice.
- I've gotten so fat.
- Really? Let me see.
- I've been gaining a kilo a week.
- That means over 40 kilos total.
I'm going to weigh over 100 kilos.
Yech.
Anyway, he feels so guilty now
that you can do anything.
You can go out every night.
"I crave attention!"
- And you can buy that Acne jacket.
- What, wear that and forgive him?
I don't know if I want him back.
You have two kids. It will take time,
but everything will work out.
- Think so?
- I know so. Everyone says that.
Could you get dressed?
We have to leave.
But where's dad?
He had to go to work early today.
- Come on, get ready.
- Hello!
- Hi there.
- Hi.
Hi.
Come on.
There.
Let's go.
- Mom said you were at work.
- Yeah?
I'm taking you to school.
Hurry up.
There.
- You OK?
- Excellent!
Come on.
Chop, chop.
- Hi. Don't go, Marianne.
- I have to go to work.
We have to talk.
Please.
What was it like to come back home
after you had fucked?
You sure were in a good mood.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I am so miserable.
I just never thought
you would do something like this.
I'm sorry.
I always thought
I would be the one to cheat on you.
I know!
I'm not the type.
- Has our relationship been so bad?
- No, not at all.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
You and me, Hkon.
Want me to make some coffee?
- Don't ever do that again.
- Never.
But I've been thinking...
Maybe it's best we take a break.
A...?
A break.
A break?
- What, are you fourteen?
- No, but...
I think it would be best.
- What?
- That we move apart.
No, that is not best.
Marianne, I am so sorry.
I should have done this differently.
But I just haven't been able to.
So you're leaving now?
You hadn't planned
to beg to get your family back?
Aren't you going to beg me
to take you back?
No? Is there nothing to beg for,
nothing worth fighting for?
So you're just going to leave?
Go to your ten-year-old waffle girl?
I'm sure you'll have a great time.
You're going to argue like hell!
I would never do this to you!
I have always been nice!
She'll want to go out and you
won't know any of the clubs,
because you're so damn old!
And that coat is ugly!
- Did we win?
- Let's see what we have.
Yes, 1000 kroner!
You sure know how to scrape them!
You're a magician!
Marianne?
What are you doing here?
- I forgot it was scratch-ticket night.
- And we just won!
- Have you met?
- Yes. Hi.
- How lovely you are!
- She wasn't much to look at as a kid.
- Don't say that!
- I'm just joking!
I have to go back down.
The kids are asleep in the car.
- Have you driven here from Oslo?
- Yes.
So I have to go down to them.
- I'll pick them up tomorrow.
- Trouble on the home front?
Just don't do anything foolish.
There.
Nice balloon.
- Flipper.
- Yeah.
I don't want to be alone.
He'll be back before you know it.
Be careful
so you don't get Marianne's
hopes up.
- Because he may not come back.
- Be careful! Please!
- Hkon has thought this through.
- No, he hasn't.
Or he wouldn't have ended up
in this situation.
- Are you defending that idiot?
- No.
But you're filling her with bullshit.
If he comes back, it's a bonus.
A bonus?
Listen to yourself! Bonus?
We are 90 degrees off now.
Completely wrong.
Now I want you to relax.
- And take a hard left.
- OK.
Left!
Why are you turning to the right?
- Stop distracting me!
- You don't know right from left.
Show me, what's right?
You hesitated. You don't
have time for that in traffic.
Hello?
Daddy!
Hi.
Hi, "daddy."
- Is it gross to see me naked?
- No.
- Are there new rules now?
- Yeah, kind of.
After three weeks?
Jesus Christ.
The thing is, daddy has been fucking
another lady for a long, long time.
He has done it out back,
by that tree you like to climb.
But he has never done it in here.
And so we have decided
to get divorced.
Something like that?
Emma, Jens?
We have some candy for you.
One, two, three, four.
- OK.
- Now it's Jens' turn.
Five.
One, two, three...
- You can't move there.
- Right. I'll go one, two, three...
Emma and Jens, there's...
- Your turn to roll.
- In a minute. But first...
Mommy and I
have something to tell you.
- Roll the dice!
- Yeah.
Right.
You know how some children...
- Roll!
- Listen to your mother.
Shit!
- I'm OK.
- Look at daddy. He wet his pants.
Daddy wet his pants!
Your turn.
Where are you going?
- I need to change my pants.
- Let's do this first.
OK.
Fine.
Let daddy wipe it up.
Wipe up the pee.
No problem.
There we go.
Anyway...
The thing is, there are going to be
some changes around here.
Right?
Yeah. What daddy is trying
to say, is that
we have decided
not to live together anymore.
Why not?
Because we have decided to stop
being boyfriend and girlfriend.
I will still live here,
and daddy will find another apartment.
No, I won't let you!
I won't let you!
Emma?
Emma, listen...
Emma.
Emma, please come out.
There.
That went well, don't you think?
What do you think?
I think it went fine.
OK.
We should still try to do
some things together as a family.
- Sure.
- For the kids.
OK.
That fund-raising campaign
is something we could do together.
Of course.
Let's do that. Bye.
What a mess!
- You're so thin.
- All divorces lose weight.
- Just put it behind you.
- Dad thinks you're fussing too much.
- Seriously?
- It was just a little fling.
You guys are so clueless!
- Do you have a napkin?
- Sure. Hold on.
- There. And take this.
- It's still dripping. More paper.
A little extracurricular activity
is only to be expected.
What's the big deal?
Are you on Hkon's side?
What kind of parents are you?
Of course we support you, but...
- It's such a hassle.
- Divorces are a pain.
And damned expensive.
Look at me!
You laughed when you were this size.
- I'm a jokester.
- That's what you are.
Where do you want this?
This way.
A lot of people are stingy
and don't give anything.
They save all their money for candy.
- I want to ring the doorbell!
- OK.
Hi, we're from
the fund-raising campaign.
- There. Start at the top.
- All the way up.
- One thing about Frida...
- Not now.
Shouldn't she meet the kids?
- You want the kids to meet her?
- Yes, and you too.
No, thanks.
Fine.
Frida's family has a cabin in Trysil.
- Did you get anything?
- A little.
It's super heavy!
Take it! Help me!
Boy, are you strong!
We got lots of money.
This will take some time
to get used to.
- It isn't easy for me, either.
- Have you had your teeth whitened?
Are you guys coming, or what?
You're so slow!
Now you've got it!
- One more time.
- Watch your legs.
And again.
He's getting off so easy.
A cabin in Trysil?
- He's broke.
- Poor Hkon has to pay child support!
Frida is financing his life now.
All his money either goes to
his new apartment or to Marianne.
Serves him right.
Turn off the wipers!
I don't know how I turned them on.
You don't know
how to turn off the wipers?
- Haven't you learned...
- Let me focus on driving this thing!
Nope.
You have to look over your shoulder
when you back up. Turn around.
And now he has a cabin in Trysil!
- You're being completely irrational.
- Am I?
Screw it.
The car is too big for this spot.
Don't lose confidence now.
You're doing great.
Just relax. Look behind you.
There's plenty of room. Go ahead.
First one up!
- Hello!
- Hi, mommy!
Hi, guys.
- Did you have fun?
- It was awesome!
Yum.
Lots of sugar.
And then 1 dl of flour.
Can you get that, Emma?
So what did you do in Trysil?
We had a roof window.
And we played cards.
I won every time.
- And we cooked hot dogs over a fire.
- And they had a telescope.
- It was great.
- The best vacation ever!
Really?
The best ever?
- The super-best ever.
- Great.
And Frida was really nice.
We became best friends.
I hope we can go back there sometime.
- Jens!
- Turn it off!
Do you have to make such a mess?
Get out of here!
Get out!
I can't take any more of this. Go!
- What a mess!
- You said we'd have a nice time.
Shit!
Dammit!
Shit!
Mom, Luke's head
is stuck in Pat's butt.
What?
Jens!
What in the world?
Who is worse off?
Luke Skywalker or Postman Pat?
Postman Pat.
He has a head in his butt.
He has a head up his ass.
OK, this is gonna get ugly.
I have to pull him out with my mouth.
Yech, don't do it, mom!
No!
Jens?
- Here you go.
- Gross!
Write, "Happy birthday, grandma."
"Hugs from Emma, Jens and Marianne."
Look, mommy.
Who is that on the ground?
- Grandma.
- Is that grandma? Well done, Jens.
Emma, can you help him wrap that?
I have to get changed.
Careful.
Hi.
Hi!
Frida.
Hello.
- Marianne.
- Nice to meet you.
- I just have to...
- Bye!
- Bye.
- You said you were coming!
I'm not.
See you later.
How did we not see this coming?
We have been so stupid!
- Can you drink?
- Sure, I'm not nauseous anymore.
It's so obvious.
He's having a classic mid-life crisis.
How did we not see that?
I don't get it.
Give that waffle chick 45 minutes,
and he'll dump her.
When the thrill is gone, what's left?
Nothing!
- I don't know.
- You don't, but I do.
I have read that men's testosterone
level drops around the age of 40.
They start running around
like headless chickens.
Running after girls.
I swear. I've read it.
Know what else I've read
that's totally fascinating?
In a matter of weeks,
their shoulders shrink
and their waistlines expand.
They end up looking like Gus Goose.
They basically become women.
Get ovaries and boobs.
OK, maybe not ovaries,
but definitely huge tits.
And some even start menstruating.
- I read it in Science Illustrated.
- No, you didn't!
That's what's happened
to Auntie Hkon.
Auntie Hkon menstruates.
"Marianne, lend me a maxi pad!"
How would you like that?
"An extra absorbent one,
my balls are so sweaty!"
Imagine that!
- You can share pads.
- Stop it. You're disgusting!
- Don't...
- It is disgusting.
"Can I borrow a maxi pad?"
he'll yell from the bathroom.
- It's true.
- That is so gross.
I have such an incredible craving
for peanuts and alcohol.
It's so annoying.
I hate seeing pregnant women
drink cheap wine. Canepa.
"Don't forget
that there's a kid in there!"
Mommy, hi!
- Emma?
- Mommy!
- Hi, Emma!
- Hi, mommy!
- Mommy!
- Emma!
Hi, honey.
What are you doing here?
- Hi.
- We're swimming.
- Where are Hkon and Jens?
- It's just us girls.
Frida and I have a swimming day.
Emma has become such a good swimmer.
You're doing great.
Even better than last time.
And now we're going for hot chocolate.
Bye, mom!
- Remember those cinnamon buns?
- They were delicious!
- Hello?
- Hello.
What's happened here?
Have you painted?
Or refurnished?
You've cleaned house. How scary!
I'm getting this spooky vibe.
Could you move?
He's about to weigh himself.
Damn, he's lost 8.5 kilos
in three weeks.
That's impressive.
You enjoying that salmon dinner?
Fish and broccoli?
That's hollandaise.
You've made hollandaise from scratch,
haven't you?
What the hell is going on?
What are you doing
eating this organic shit?
- What the hell should I do?
- What you should do?
Turn off that TV, go barhopping,
pick up guys,
tuck your dress in your pantyhose,
puke behind a car,
and continue the party up here.
Not eat organic shit!
Fine!
You just don't get it!
It's unnatural not being allowed
to see your own kids.
Some marriage counselor bitch
in her dull fucking outfit
has decided when I can see them!
182 days a year.
That's what I get.
The rest of those days, I spend alone.
And I hate being alone.
I don't want time off
from my own children.
One week on, one week off?
What kind of bullshit is that?
- I'm sorry.
- That's why I make hollandaise!
I apologize.
So...
So how much has that little shit lost?
8.5 kilos in three weeks.
Christ.
And he's still that fat?
I'm impressed.
- Hello, sunshine!
- Hi.
I hope you're on Tinder.
The weather forecast?
Want to go out for a beer?
I wanted to ask you about something.
I wonder if maybe it isn't time
I had a turn on my back?
You know?
Simply get my muff stuffed.
Get my plumbing fixed in the most
dirty, filthy, primitive manner.
Yes!
You make me so happy.
I'm practically crying!
I'm drooling!
What are all these people doing here?
Is it quiz night?
I think people just go out a lot.
Oslo has become the new Italy.
It's true.
I've read it.
I went out with Trude on Wednesday.
God, was it boring!
She was worried someone
would slip her a mickey. Not likely!
And so I just...
Hang on.
Come here!
It's... Johnny Logan!
OK, OK...
"OK, you have to talk English.
Johnny be good!"
- OK!
- Johnny wasn't finished.
I regret not going for it.
The point is,
he rubbed up against you.
Not everyone has gotten rubbed
by Johnny Logan.
Hello?
- Buy me out?
- Yeah.
Frida sold her apartment,
so now we can buy you out.
You can't afford to buy me out, so...
We haven't paid down
the mortgage at all.
You wanted it interest only,
so we could afford take-out.
I also expected us to stay together
another 20 years.
Not for me.
- No butter on your pasta?
- That fat is unnecessary.
It's good the kids
get to keep their home.
Nope.
OK... Do you have
any better suggestions?
It's fascinating how impossible it is
to discuss anything with you.
Hi.
What is going on?
Where is dad?
He...
I suppose he's at home.
Are you having an affair
with scratch-ticket Steinar?
I don't know
if you can call it an affair.
- Does dad know?
- Yes, actually, he does.
He does?
Are you getting divorced?
No way!
Not at all.
But he's OK with you being here?
- Sure.
- And with you having an affair?
- Have you lost your minds?
- It may seem strange...
Strange?
It's totally bizarre!
Anyway, it is what it is. I have to
go in before the meat gets cold.
What brought you here, anyway?
I need 1.5 million kroner.
My sweet, darling Marianne.
We're mortgaged to the hilt,
so we can enjoy our retirement.
Enjoy our camper here.
- Go to Spain...
- Right.
And we had that water leak.
That was expensive.
I can help you with a few thousand,
but 1.5 million?
Frida's buying me out.
The bank won't lend any more.
No.
Splitting up sucks.
It's expensive to live alone.
Especially in Oslo.
Here you go.
- No, mom.
- Yes, take it. Buy something pretty.
You have such a lovely figure,
now that you've lost so much weight.
Thanks.
Bye.
- You have lots of stuff in the drawer.
- Yeah.
What is all this?
- That's Hkon's family silver.
- Hkon's?
I think we'll say your family silver.
This is yours now.
Have you gone through
all these drawers?
- Your kids make this?
- Hkon's niece.
- She goes to a Waldorf School.
- I can see that.
- And this?
- From his nephew.
Are they all klutzes?
If you go to a Waldorf School
and can't make a handle...
1650 kroner a month for a Waldorf
education, and they bring home this?
Give me a break!
What do we have here?
These are nice!
- Hadeland.
- Is that fancy?
Hadeland? Definitely!
Is it yours?
I suppose it's ours.
Hkon's parents give it to us.
Then it's yours now.
- I can't get this down.
- Just yank it.
I'll go look for more silver.
Hey, give me that.
There!
Why do you have Hkon's suit?
Just cut.
Don't be afraid.
- A little bigger.
- Bigger?
Don't be shy.
Be confident.
- There!
- Good. You aren't ruining them.
You just want him to feel
his dick fall out.
- Awesome.
- This is his Christmas suit.
And it'll just dangle there.
No, don't throw that away!
We aren't cruel.
Take a safety pin like this...
Attach it like this...
- And pin it to his butt.
- Back here?
Excellent.
Do you have a cup of salt
I could dip these in?
- Aren't they salty enough?
- They're so sweet it's nauseating.
Just find something I can dip them in.
I think I need a screwdriver.
- Phillips or flat?
- Let me try the Phillips.
Thanks.
So, dad, are you perfectly OK
with mom and Steinar's affair?
Damn, this is stuck!
Give me the flat one.
Can you answer me?
- Is it OK for you?
- What?
Is it OK
that they're having an affair?
We've done this for 20 years.
- For 20 years?
- That's what it's like to be married.
- What does Steinar's wife say?
- She's always been a slut.
But that's between them.
And now I want some coffee.
- Bodil?
- Coming!
- Is the coffee ready?
- Sure is.
I don't get it.
How can you live like that?
We're done talking about this now.
It's coffee time.
- Thanks. Do you have anything sweet?
- Of course I do, honey.
Marianne, your father and I
agreed on this ages ago.
But we chose to stay together.
We have our house, and you.
- And this camper.
- And Steinar.
Do you share him too?
You're mixing apples and oranges.
We're happy together.
- We really are.
- And there's so much humor.
- We're both mischievous.
- Especially you.
You aren't half bad yourself.
There!
Did you see that?
You've got ten meters in front of you.
I wouldn't exactly brag.
Question:
Are you OK with Waffle Girl
moving into their apartment?
I think it's great that the kids
can stay in their apartment.
With a new mother?
Is that great?
No, but sometimes
that's the way things work out.
- Was that us?
- No, it was him. Go get him!
- Are you insane?!
- Go for it.
Hey!
He just drove off.
- People are crazy.
- Totally insane.
- Marianne, this place is a mess.
- And so cramped.
Leave, if you think
it's so terrible here.
We've talked about this.
Do you and the kids want to move
into our basement apartment?
Your mother has washed and vacuumed.
- It's a real cool apartment now.
- Yeah.
And after a while you could get
a house with a yard.
And a carport.
It's impossible to park in this town.
- I don't want to move back to Moss.
- Don't be so selfish.
The kids can't grow up in this closet.
The kids happen to have a father
who lives here.
Stop listening to those counselors.
I'm sure they're all socialists.
They force the children
on their father.
Your maternal instinct is stronger.
That's nature.
Nature.
We just have to clean it up a little,
and this place will be great.
Here's our tomato plant.
So we can have Pasta Bolognese
for dinner.
Won't this be great?
Once we get it cleaned up?
And put everything away?
This will be your room.
This will be nice
once we get it cleaned up.
And you'll get new beds, of course.
Emma?
Emma, what are you doing?
Hey...
- I want to go home.
- This is home.
I don't like it here.
Of course you can stay here.
You're perfectly welcome.
- It's OK.
- Where is Hkon?
He's on his way home.
Jens?
Hey, Jens.
- What is it?
- I want to sleep in my own bed.
- You can sleep in my bed.
- I want to stay here.
He's welcome to stay here too.
No problem. But tomorrow
you have to stay with mommy.
Let's take off your coat.
Bye.
Bye, Marianne.
See you later.
Hi there.
Wait, Marianne.
What are you doing here?
- Daddy, hi!
- Hi, kids!
- Ready?
- Yes.
- Cheers.
- One, two, three.
OK.
So, babe, did you know "Staying Alive"
has saved thousands of lives?
Everyone remembers that beat,
and can thus perform CPR perfectly.
Want me to show you?
Let me find your heart first.
Your heart is on the right.
- That's very rare.
- Really?
One in a million.
OK.
And how is it you know all this?
I'm a fireman.
A fireman...
So, Mr. Fireman,
want me to show you something?
- Want me to show you a magic trick?
- Sure.
How about I make your wedding ring
disappear for a while?
OK.
Wedding ring.
Napkin.
Wrap it.
Take a lighter.
Pay attention now.
This is something for you.
Watch this.
So...
- Let's go back to my place.
- Yeah.
It's crazy.
I've heard
that tons of men are unfaithful
when their wives get pregnant.
- Is that a fact?
- It was in the paper.
Over 70 %.
Almost 78 %.
OK.
I know you wouldn't mind
sleeping with some young hottie.
I wouldn't have the confidence.
- Wrong answer.
- I know.
I heard it as soon as I said it.
It's understandable.
You haven't dipped it in a while.
"Dipped it"?
When did we start saying "dipped it"?
- This is a pointless conversation.
- I agree.
But admit that you've been turned on
by someone at work.
- Some hot chick.
- I work in IT. There are no hot chicks.
There must be some delivery girl,
someone who makes waffles?
No.
Stop it.
Why are you so insistent?
You're making me believe there is.
- Stop it!
- I can tell. There is someone!
Stop it!
Sorry.
Kristin, I'm sorry. I apologize.
- You just went too far.
- Yes, I did.
Hey...
Kristin, don't go.
- We'll laugh about this tomorrow!
- You laugh, you bastard!
Come on, Kristin!
Kristin!
Come on, please.
What happened?
It wasn't my fault.
Come on.
Kristin!
Hi!
What are you doing here?
- We ran away.
- Why?
- Daddy and Frida are arguing.
- Come in.
So you came over here on your own?
Take your coats off.
Hey, honey...
OK, come here.
"It was a night in..."
"June!"
- "When the summer was at its..."
- "Best."
"She danced for her..."
"Grandpa!"
"Whom she liked the..."
"Best."
Everybody now!
- Daddy!
- Hi, daddy!
Hi!
I wish you hadn't
had to hear us argue.
It's OK.
- Can I open this, daddy?
- Open it? Of course.
- Go for it.
- Would you like some wine, Hkon?
Sure.
Whoa!
Look at him.
They sure are good.
Oops.
- Maybe you should kiss?
- No, I don't think so.
- Pee pee against pee-pee?
- What?
Are you gonna put
pee-pee against pee-pee?
You...
Oh, Jens.
I don't think so.
I thought we could keep things simple.
Have the four of us celebrate
Christmas together.
Just the four of us.
That will make the kids happy, right?
Good.
- This wasn't such a good idea.
- I don't know.
- So we'll talk about Christmas later?
- Sure.
Great.
- Hi there!
- Hi.
Good day to you.
- OK.
- Have a great time.
No, I want you to come in!
- No, I'm not coming in.
- I want you to come in!
Hi, Jens! Come on in.
I just made waffles.
- You heard her.
- You're welcome to stay.
- No, I should go.
- Come in!
- No.
- Stop it, Jens.
Come in!
Would you come in for a few minutes?
Fine, I'll come in for a quick visit.
- Yippee!
- Yeah. Great.
What do you want to play, Jens?
Idiot?
- Yes. And I'm gonna win.
- You are? I doubt that.
This is the world's best coffee!
This will be cozy.
Waffle, waffle, waffle...
It smells lovely.
These waffles are yummy!
Come in and sit down.
Thank goodness!
OK, and now it's my turn.
There.
- What do you have?
- That wasn't very nice.
- Can I draw a card?
- Yes.
- Lucky.
- Yay!
- If you play a... OK.
- Like that?
- We both need the same card.
- Don't peek.
That one is mine!
Take that!
OK.
I'm not going to peek.
But it's tempting.
You can peek if you want.
- Are you playing together?
- No, we're just...
- OK.
- Oh, no!
There.
- No, it isn't your turn.
- No. It's Emma's turn.
She played a ten.
- I don't get it.
- After a ten she gets to go again.
OK.
These waffles are fantastic.
Now it's your turn to play the card
you've already shown us.
- Like this?
- Great.
You're peeking again!
Did you know the king of hearts
is the only king without a mustache?
- Jens?
- Can you take that?
Too bad for your dad, but good for me.
- I can imagine.
- Thank you!
What's this?
Are you best buddies now?
I heard you and Hkon had talked
about Christmas Eve?
Yes, we have talked about Christmas.
You're welcome to spend it with us.
- That would be lovely.
- Yeah.
Wouldn't that be lovely?
Just the five of us.
You wouldn't have to do anything.
I'll take care of it.
Look at this!
Look at these lousy cards, Jens.
- Daddy, you're an idiot!
- Fine, I lost.
I knew it!
Can I have a comfort waffle?
The loser gets a comfort waffle.
You don't get one!
Hey.
I'm sorry about Christmas Eve.
Hkon, I'm done.
- We'll have the kids every other year.
- Isn't this fine?
No, this isn't fine.
I hate playing phony family.
You could try. I'm working my butt off
to make things nice for the kids.
Working your butt off?
Here, eat your damn comfort waffle!
- Are you crazy?
- I'll tell you what's crazy!
Crazy is having gnomes on plates
just because it's December.
Let go!
Take it easy.
This is hard enough for me.
What is so hard for you?
I have so many to consider.
You, Frida, the kids...
- You consider me?
- Yes, and I'm doing my best.
You only have yourself to think about.
While I have to run
back and forth between you.
The five of us could have
a cozy Christmas together
if you would be a little flexible.
Cozy?
Cozy?!
Is that the only word you know?
You fucking Christmas king!
There is nothing cozy about Christmas!
Christmas is supposed to be fun!
No!
Hi, Frida.
Hkon?
Merry Christmas.
Emma, Jens?
Come here for a second.
Stand next to me.
Want me to perform a magic trick?
Watch this.
Hocus, pocus
fiddle-dee-dee!
Nice, huh?