Stealing Jokes (2024) Movie Script

1
I'm doing a show on a Thursday
night. Show's going great.
All of a sudden,
a fight breaks out
three feet in front of me.
I look down, a dude headbutts
another guy. I'm like,
what is happening right now?
I try to stop the fight. I go,
"Yo, buddy, relax. Calm down.
Let's just get back to comedy."
But he's ready to bite my face
off, and we start going at it.
I catch him with
an unfortunate right hand.
He goes down.
I look down, I say to the guy,
"What are you doing, man?
I run this place."
He looks up at me, he goes,
"I own this place."
Comedy club owner picks me up
in a shitty car,
he's chain-smoking cigarettes.
Drops me off at a comedy condo,
which sounds like a good idea.
So I got hired for
a charity gig in the Midwest.
Now, I get to the gig,
and it's, like, some mom and pop
running this damn thing.
And right away I was suspect.
I do the set,
I ask for the money.
They bring out a check that
was printed on a piece of paper,
and they cut it out.
They didn't even take
an X-ACTO knife to make sure
it was all even.
They took a scissors
so the angles were all off.
I go, "Bro, this ain't real."
He goes, "No, man,
that's the checks they give us.
You know, that's the check."
And I tried to deposit it
and almost got arrested.
So, you know what?
I got scammed.
Do it, Jake. Fuck him!
Dirty old man thinks
he can touch my ass?
I say shoot him for fun.
- Oh, no.
- Do it, Jake.
Okay, y'all are mad-mad.
I know we wanna
cash our chips in,
but there gotta be
a better way to do this, Jake.
Every part of my being
wants to fucking shoot you
just for the lack of respect.
I've been trying to
get my life together.
I stopped going to strip clubs,
for one.
- Every stripper claims she's
putting herself through school.
- I had no idea there was a wave
of genius strippers out there.
Ten years from now, you're
gonna be at the chiropractor,
you're gonna be like,
- "Pussycat Johnson,
is that you?"
That's it for me. Thanks.
I'm Jake Burman. Thank you.
Stand-up comedy is the most
gangster art form in the world.
This right here,
this is punk rock shit.
That's why we use terms like,
"he slayed,"
"she murdered,"
"he bombed," "he killed."
They wanna silence the comedian?
How about you get
the fuck out of the way
and let us do what we do?
Make you laugh, put a smile
on your 9:00 to 5:00 face
and try to make the world
a little less of a shitty place.
And we come in all
shapes, sizes, and colors.
So why don't you leave us alone
and give us a little respect?
I gotta say, my dad would,
like, totally approve of you.
-Why wouldn't he?
-Ah, he's dead.
And he was also kind of racist.
-Fuck your dad, then.
-Yeah.
- Ah! Motherfucking Jake Burman.
- Hey!
What up, buddy?
Want some cocaine?
Freddy Garza,
one of the most talented
and funny young up-and-comers
right now.
With all the potential
in the world
and all the bad habits
to ruin it.
-'Sup, bud?
-Oh, my heart rate!
Swear to God,
it's like a fucking Mtley Cre
concert in there, bruh.
-'Cause all the cocaine.
-I knew what you meant.
-Get your shit together.
We hit the road tomorrow.
-Yes!
Tony, are you gonna
watch my stand-up or what?
You said you were gonna
help me with some punch-ups.
Relax, my baby. You ain't
gotta spill drink all over me.
Tony Wilson.
This kid was gonna be bigger
than Martin Lawrence.
Network deals,
sitcom deals, tour money.
Blew it all on who knows what.
Rule number one?
Never let your homies
manage your money-money.
Rule number two,
never say no to stage time.
Rule number three, condoms.
-Tony Wilson!
-Jake! What up, doe?
- What's up, man?
-What time we hitting the road tomorrow?
-Noon. We leave at noon.
-Noon? That's early-early.
The crack of dawn for me.
Hey, man,
I just wanted to say thank you.
Without your name on this bill,
we don't make any money.
I appreciate you, bro.
You can use my name anytime
as long as we getting
them door deals.
Yes, sir. Every single booking,
we get the door.
- Pick you up at noon.
- See you tomorrow.
- Yes, sir.
- So, those punch-ups?
I gotta get home to my lady.
Them doors is locking soon.
Comics negotiate a door deal
when they wanna
bet on themselves.
Instead of a small guarantee,
they promote their own show
and then take the gate.
To be honest, without
Tony Wilson on this bill,
a door deal just
doesn't make any sense.
'Cause as of right now,
I'm still nobody.
Oh, Barry!
Seriously?
Well,
if it ain't the George Carlin
of petty crime and bullshit.
What now, Barry?
I just got off stage.
What, you got nothing
better to do than harass
an innocent comedian?
Innocent, my ass.
Word on the street is that you
moving weed in the underworld.
Weed? Weed is legal, Barry.
Not the way you doing it.
Pop the trunk.
Pop the trunk!
All right. Let's take a look.
Now would you look at this?
You see, that's the sad shit
about you, Jake.
Even when things are easy,
you find a way to make it hard.
You gonna end up in jail again,
you dumbass.
I did have
a lot of friends there.
And I got in great shape.
Hell, almost had a boyfriend.
My first shot at commitment.
You think everything is funny,
don't you?
Can't help it. That's just
the way I see the world.
We'll pretend
this didn't happen.
Oh, and by the way.
My wife, she saw your stand-up.
She thought it was funny.
I didn't.
- You're a sad, bad boy,
aren't you?
I am a bad boy.
- You're good-looking
but ugly at the same time.
Huh?
Your mother never really
liked you, did she?
You could be right
about that one.
Asshole. Asshole.
With your $1 million house
and $4 haircuts.
-I'm so frugal.
-I'm working.
What do you want, Jake?
-You're taking calls?
-Shut up, bitch. What? What?
Hey. I need to borrow
your car, please.
The car you gave me
in the breakup?
Yes. You know what car
I'm asking about.
The heartbreak hooptie.
I'm going on the road with
Tony Wilson and Freddy Garza.
-Tony Wilson?
-Tony Wilson is, like,
one of my favorite comics ever.
- Don't interrupt me,
infant dick.
Where do your lips belong?
Well, if you want the car,
then I'm coming and
I get to do my tight ten.
No way. No. No. It's a quick
Michigan run anyways.
We can't take you.
No worries.
No car.
-Bye.
-No, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
Ugh, fuck.
-Fuck it. Fuck it.
-And I get to run my tight ten.
Yeah, I know all about your
tight ten, Miley. I wrote it.
I'm gonna be gone for a week.
We need to reschedule.
A week?
Could you leave the whip?
Hey, what's up, guys?
I'm Freddy Garza.
Freddy Garza!
Guys, I'm Freddy Garza.
Freddy Garza.
Garza. Garza. Garza.
Hey, what's up, guys?
I'm Freddy Garza.
Hey, wh--
Mijo-- Mijo-- Ah, fuck.
That's a stupid
fucking accent, man.
Hey, what's up, guys?
I'm Freddy Garza.
How we doing tonight?
Nice, nice.
Man, I remember growing up,
I wanted to be a comedian.
I told my dad that,
and he was like, "Mijo,
I'm glad you know what you love.
But right now,
we gotta trim those hedges and
make them look like a Chihuahua.
"Chihuahua." Oh, God.
That's so fucking stupid.
That's so--
I don't sound like that,
and I never called you mijo.
Dead Dad?
Clean yourself up,
for God's sakes.
You're so hairy,
and you're so fat.
- You look like a fat house cat
dreamt of becoming a boy.
You look like somebody dropped a
wet potato on a barber's floor.
If I was around,
I'd tell you to shave,
or lose some weight,
eat a salad.
Mix in some greens
every now and then.
No more drugs, no more booze.
Get your shit together.
You got this.
Bye, dead supportive father.
Oh, fuck.
- Hey, Freddy Garza!
- What's up, dude?
You ready to tell
some jokes, make some money?
-Yes, I am.
-That's what I'm talking about.
Life is shit right now, bro.
I've been donating
sperm, blood, and plasma.
Sounds exhausting.
It's all in
the same building, too.
It's actually more
of a storage unit.
Tell me about it, dude.
I owe money all over town
to some pretty serious guys.
Cops took three pounds
of my weed last night.
-Oh!
-I need to make some money.
Let's do it. Hey,
who's that in the front seat?
My ex, Miley. You met her.
She's like my ex, but not my ex,
but sort of my ex,
and then depending on
what day of the week, my ex.
-Mmm.
-Yeah. She fucked Donny Heffner.
Aw, dude,
he's got a lot of followers.
Like, a ton of followers.
Like, oh, my God.
I think it's, like--
There's a point in there,
you know? Oh, my God.
Yeah, I know how many
followers he has.
I'm tired of hearing
about followers.
Who gives a fuck
about followers, dude?
She probably follows him.
-Let's just go make some money.
-All right, cool.
Oh, uh-uh. You non-funny
toe-faced bitch-made mama's boy,
who, by the way,
I taught to dress when
you had $20 to your name.
-Are you cheating on me?
-Whoa, slow your roll, 007.
Oh, you mad-mad.
Your heart is fractured.
You coming at me with all this
false information before lunch?
Miss CNN. Miss Fox 2.
What seems to be the problem?
I trust you to go back
to comedy clubs again,
and I gotta find a white bitch
text on your phone.
Oh, so you psychic and racist?
What the hell make you think
she was a white woman?
Because when I read her text,
a Taylor Swift song
fell out my pussy.
-White woman.
-A Martha Stewart vegan cookbook
fell out my pussy.
-White woman.
-The whole cast of Brady Bunch
fell out my pussy,
including Alice.
That's how I know.
Okay, you need to put all them
back up inside you, 'cause
I wasn't doing a damn thing.
-That girl needed advice.
-Advice?
Was she trying to suck knowledge
out of your dick?
Okay, you a little bit too
much right now. I need you to
bring it down a few notches.
Was she trying to fuck
a TED Talk out of you?
Oh, oh, no.
Was she trying to rub a joke
out of your motherfucking--
All rise! Tell the court
about the non-business meals
you've been having with
your boss, Mr. Whitey-White
Knight Dunnigan.
-We work together, Anthony.
-Work ends at six o'clock,
so why is Peter Wood Johnson
texting your phone at odd hours?
There are no odd hours
when it comes to work.
Why is Dr. Doogie Howser sending
you fake holiday cards, Lisa?
-Y'all fucking.
-There are no fake holidays,
Anthony.
-I intercepted
a Columbus Day card.
-He was being thoughtful.
Think again.
Columbus didn't discover shit.
When he got over here,
this place was sewed up.
-This place?
-America, or whatever
you wanna call it.
Well, I wanna call it quits.
Find a new place to live.
Say goodbye to this.
Bro,
last night I had a dream
that I did this open mic at
Ariana Grande's birthday party,
and there was, like,
cotton candy and Mike and Ikes
everywhere,
and I could, like,
barely breathe, you know?
It was like I had
already made it.
I love Mike and Ikes.
It's such an underrated candy.
I love Ariana Grande.
Do you guys know if anyone
does any bits about candy?
But then John Mayer snuck in.
John Mayer's so hot that
I'd suck his dad's dick.
Of course Mayer
shows up in your dream.
He starts playing slow songs,
and just, like, ruins my chances
with Ariana Grande.
'Cause it was, like,
about to happen.
Man, fuck him
and his fantastic fingers.
Oh, I'd love to.
But he, like, busted out
an electric guitar.
-He went electric
in your dreams?
-Without an amplifier, dude!
Fucking classic Mayer.
Stay in your own dreams.
You're John Mayer. Fuck him.
Fucking Mayer-ing everything up.
I would've kicked
his fucking ass out, Freddy.
I wanted to
throw his ass out, man,
but I have, like, no control
of my dreams like that.
Wait. Lisa break up with me,
and you two back together?
My mind can't handle
this entanglement.
No. Hell no.
We are not back together.
Not unless my vagina
lost its memory.
Okay, good, good.
'Cause Lisa just
broke it off with me.
Left me in a bad situation.
Bro, hit this shit.
You'll feel better.
What is this?
It's Snail's Dick, bro.
Wait, Tone, Lisa dumped you?
What happened? Did you cheat?
Be honest.
No, she seen a white girl
texting my phone.
But you know it's a cover-up
for her own infidelities.
She's been cheating-cheating,
I know it.
That old defense mechanism
cheating excuse?
That's old as dirt.
Take it from Miley.
She's the greatest cheater
you'll ever meet.
Wow. That's a lie.
You fucked some TikTacker that
I thought was my best friend.
Oh, wow. At least I didn't
fuck a ventriloquist.
She was a prop comic.
That is so much worse.
I love puppets.
- Oh, you mad-mad!
- Are you cheating on me?
Was she trying to suck
knowledge out of your dick?
- Your heart is fractured.
- I wanna call it quits.
A Martha Stewart vegan
cookbook fell out my pussy.
Because when I read her text,
a Taylor Swift song
fell out my pussy.
The whole cast of Brady Bunch
fell out my pussy,
including Alice.
Say goodbye to this.
Freddy...
the fuck in this weed, man?
Ah, Snail's Dick, bro.
Freddy,
what the fuck did you give him?
-I feel like a human kangaroo.
-I know, right?
Something's in my throat. I
can't breathe...
or swallow.
Man, you're having a good one.
What the fuck is in your weed,
Freddy?
This is Snail's Dick.
We gotta make a stop
at the hospital.
What the fuck, Freddy?
Man,
you're having a good one.
I'm a pterodactyl
Y'all don't hear that?
Those sirens?
And them angels?
Pull over on
the side of the road.
I see a sign. I wanna see God.
Yes!
It's Jesus intervening, bro.
This is a good thing.
-I don't--
-Is that a good thing?
-Yeah.
-Tone, it's just a breakup, man.
We got gigs.
Come on, this is crazy.
I'm high! Ain't nothing normal
about this moment, Jake.
I'm sorry, bro. All my cousins
smoke Snail's Dick
and they're, like,
totally content with life.
And they shouldn't be.
-I'm a good person.
-Tony, you're a great person.
I ain't never cheated on nobody.
One of the most faithful
dudes I've ever known.
Too faithful, if you ask me.
-What the fuck does that mean?
-Shh. Y'all hear that?
Y'all see that?
We don't see anything.
I think so.
-What am I witnessing?
-Yeah, what are you witnessing?
What are y'all saying to me?
What, y'all saying I need
to move on with my life?
Come on, Tony.
Let's hit the road.
That's my spiritual family.
It's okay.
-Tony, are you okay?
-Hell no, I'm not okay.
But I did just have
a heart-to-heart with my lord.
-Something's on the horizon.
-Yeah, you're damn right
something's on the horizon.
And it's not Snail's Dick.
Freddy, throw that shit out.
Aw, come on, man.
That was expensive.
I'll keister it, okay?
Oh, my God!
You're Freeda Feet!
-Holy shit!
-Shut up, Freddy.
Your feet have, like,
a million followers.
-Oh, my God.
-Freddy, shut the--
Shut the fuck up, Freddy.
You're like
the Kate Beckinsale of feet.
Can I take a selfie
with your foot?
Shut the fuck up,
Freddy!
All right,
guys, we're here.
Okay.
We sold it out!
-Oh, yes!
-Thank you, Tony Wilson,
for being almost famous.
My joy has been tampered with,
Jake.
She brought some new dick
into my household.
Yeah.
It's a tough time to rejoice.
But, Tony,
you fucking sold it out!
It's gonna be okay.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Donny?
Who the fuck
is Donny Heffner?
Obviously it sold out!
Look at me.
There's a point in there.
I sold all the tickets, bitch.
But the first 50 people
through the door
get a super fly Donny Heffner
pair of alligator skin slippers.
"Did you hurt the alligators?"
Yes! You have to.
They don't wanna
give you their skin.
You have to take it by force.
You're gonna get a robe
signed by me, worn by me.
It's gonna stink, baby!
You're gonna get
a case of Donny Heffner water.
It's my bath water, baby.
And the first ten people
that retweet this video
are gonna get a sexual exorcism
from my spiritual
guru/stepfather,
Richard "Dirty Hands" Jackson.
He will work the demons
out of you,
I'll tell you that right now.
He's on house arrest, though,
so you need to go to his house.
He's not gonna come to you.
He can't.
If he does,
he's coming with some police.
-Deuces!
-Cut.
That was incredible, Donny.
Like, it literally couldn't
have been any better.
Yeah, I'm aware of that, okay?
Can you get the hell
out of here, Mouse?
I need the green room to myself,
to meditate and to practice
semen retention. Okay?
It's when I pull on it until
it's about ready to blast off,
and then I put my fingers
over the tip,
and I keep the juice inside
to energize my show. Okay?
Okay, yeah.
And approximately how long
do you think that's gonna take?
To do it twice?
Three, four minutes, tops?
I don't know.
-Okay. Copy that.
-Uh, Mouse?
Do not come back in this room,
no matter how much screaming
and crying you hear.
Those are my noises.
I'm fine. Okay?
Phil!
Why does it say Donny Heffner
on the marquee?
If you're gonna bump us,
you gotta let us know, man.
We've been plugging
these gigs all week.
I bumped you, Jake. It happens.
I mean, I would apologize
to you, but I'm pretty sure
I have given you more stage time
than anyone in the Midwest.
Okay, yeah, I mean,
if you wanna bump me and Miley
and Freddy, that's one thing.
But Tony Wilson?
For a hack like Donny Heffner?
At least give us all the money
from the sellout.
I got all my tios coming out,
you know?
They replied "yes"
on the family text, so.
And who are you?
Oh, I'm Freddy Garza.
I'm pretty funny.
Yeah, okay. Well, look,
no offense, Donny Heffner,
not Tony fucking Wilson
and friends,
sold this place out
in five minutes.
We want our money, Phil.
Let me go!
-I need my money, Phil.
-Yeah, man, don't do this.
-It's not gonna happen.
-Can I at least sell my merch?
Seriously, dude.
Who the fuck are you?
A deal is a deal, fuck face.
Yo, E.
Please,
escort these very, very funny
people off the fucking premises.
Get your hands off me!
Man, I could've worked
my cousin's food van tonight.
-You mean food truck?
-No, it's a van.
How did Donny Heffner
get so freaking big?
Back in the day, the dude
couldn't even write a joke.
Apparently he doesn't need to.
Every stripper's putting
herself through school.
Strippers in school?
Apparently there's a wave
of genius strippers out there.
-I wrote that.
-That's my bit. He stole my bit!
I wrote that.
Get your hats, get your shirts,
get your merch.
Whoa.
- I'm out.
- That's my bit!
Look,
he posted this at noon yesterday
and it already has more
than seven million views.
That's more than both my feet.
My God.
- Fuck, man.
- Where's Tone?
My mind moving fast.
My heart moving slow.
Almost checked out
on Snail's Dick.
My girl abandoned me.
I've been famous, unfamous.
I'm trying to get re-famous.
I ain't got nothing to lose.
Tony Wilson. Jesus.
Who the hell
let you back in here--
I'm done with
the lack of respect, Phil.
You think you can
mistreat Tony Wilson
and keep a hold of my money?
At a time like this?
I need my coins, Phil.
Well, you know what, Tony?
I like your little sob story,
but you know what, man?
I am a fucking gangster.
I've smoked so much crack
in the last 24 fucking hours,
you have no idea
what I've been going through!
You hear me,
Tony fucking Wilson?
Do you know who I am with?
Do you know
who he's with?
Man, I love saying
cool shit like that.
Dude, that sounded fucking cool.
You guys are morons.
Do you morons have any idea what
you just did to yourselves, huh?
Do you morons have any idea what
you just got yourselves into?
-Do you?
-Listen...
Fuck it. Shoot him, Jake.
Fuck him!
I know we wanna
cash our chips in,
but there got to be
a better way to do this, Jake.
Yeah, I don't know, man. I think
about revenge all the time,
but I don't know if this is
worth running our careers over,
you know?
I haven't done Ellen yet.
Ellen's been off the air
for, like, six years.
-Are you fucking serious?
-It's not even your demographic.
Fucking hate Ellen!
Oh, fuck.
Fuck it. Let's just go.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Run!
Go finger fuck yourself, Phil.
What the...
Holy shit, we shot Phil.
Bro, he could be dead, along
with our hopes and our dreams.
Freddy, he's not dead.
Where's Miley?
Start the car!
Drive, Jake, drive!
Holy fucking shit.
Shit! I shot Phil.
I feel terrible,
but I also feel, like,
strong and unapologetic
in a way.
-It's like, fuck Phil!
-Bruh, me too, man.
I feel, like, happy and sad,
you know? Like-- like,
I-- like, I'm happy he got shot,
but I'm glad he didn't die,
you know?
But I'm glad he's hurt.
You taking me back down
a path I don't wanna go.
He was gonna kill you, Tony.
Fuck him.
Exactly. We're out here
doing the Lord's work,
making people laugh,
making people have a good night,
and you wanna bump us
for some fucking hack
like Donny freaking Heffner?
Look at this lineup.
Look at this lineup!
You wanna bump this lineup?
Bro, I hope we don't
become a real lineup.
Hey, Jake? Turn the car around.
Take me to my cell.
I wanna go to the penitentiary.
Hell no. We're in this together.
If you go down, we all go down.
Ah, man, I bet the cops
are already at my apartment.
Not just for, like,
the stolen cable Internet,
but also for, like,
the information regarding Phil.
No, Freddy, I've been
dealing with guys like Phil
since I sprouted tits
and found my clit.
He's too dirty.
He's not gonna go to the cops.
Oh, wow. You took all the money.
Every fucking dollar
I could find.
Oh, it smells good.
This is, like, real money.
This hasn't even
been in someone's ass.
You-- Fuck you.
It was the comedians.
-The who?
-Four local comics.
-What?
-Jake Burman.
This little punk-ass comic
that I've known for years.
I've given him more
stage time than anyone.
And then, um, Tony Wilson,
uh, some Mexican
whose name I can't remember,
and this girl who
used to work for us.
Yeah, you're a good for nothing
motherfucker, Phil.
-You are good for fucking
nothing, you know that?
-I'm sorry.
-You're sorry?
-I'm sorry.
You're fucking sorry?
I'm fucking sorry!
You know that
I shat in a bush today?
-What?
-Yeah. I shat in a planter.
In public. In broad daylight.
You ever have to do that?
You ever have to
shit in public, doc?
-Yes.
-Yeah, it's embarrassing.
-That's bad. I'm sorry.
-Check my pulse again.
I'm telling you,
it skipped a beat this morning.
Do it one more time.
-This is good, this is good.
-You need to calm down.
-You need to calm down.
-You need to calm down.
-Your heart rate's
through the roof.
-The roof.
-The roof.
-The roof is on fire.
You motherfucker, you.
They took all the money
from the office?
-Yeah.
-And how much did they get?
- 63 large?
- 63 fucking thousand dollars,
you four-eyed,
silk shirt-wearing motherfucker?
Give me this thing, doc.
I need to check myself.
I don't-- I can't trust you
anymore. I wanna trust you.
How do I do this fucking thing?
$63,000.
That's about $15,000 each.
Freddy,
hide it in your backpack.
Man, when I was at
the top of my game,
I was making that type
of money in one night.
My fall from grace
is just truly remarkable.
Wow! To make that much money
at one point in your life
doing something you love,
and then much later in life,
losing it all,
but getting it back by stealing?
-It's so confusing.
-Okay, you're hurting me now.
You're not doing any damage
control, Freddy. Shut up.
I'm sorry. It's just a lot.
All right, say a prayer.
Hi, uh,
we need, uh, four rooms, please.
And I need a husband
that don't mind quiet time.
I got three rooms.
One's under review.
Under review? What, y'all
running a parole board in here?
You mean under construction?
Someone was killed here last
night. They're reviewing it.
What do you mean by "killed"?
Killed. Like, dead.
Like where this part
of the journey ends
and the next one begins?
Where were the proper
authorities when this
murder spree was going on?
Oh, security got
killed in the fray.
-Jeez.
-Okay, Jake. One thing
I know I'm not cool with
-is being a part of the fray.
-You want the rooms or not?
We'll take the rooms. No fray.
Tony Wilson?
No fucking way!
I used to watch your show
every Thursday!
Oh, my God. I love you.
-What are you doing here?
-No, no, no, no.
See, this is the perfect case
of mistaken identity.
I just look like Tony Wilson.
I truly apologize, ladies,
but y'all got the wrong guy.
-Who the fuck is Tony Wilson?
-No, no, shut up.
You're trying to tell me
that you're not the smoking hot
star from Playing House?
I'm Freddy Garza.
The real Freddy Garza.
What are you up to tonight,
Freddy Garza?
Freddy, what the hell is that?
Oh, it's an ottoman.
No, what's in the bag?
You're not tapped out?
Oh, I've been microdosing, bro.
And macrodosing.
You depressed? You got something
heavy on your soul?
I don't know, man.
Like, last week, I had a bad set
and I felt, like, really sad.
Then I took some shrooms
and I haven't felt bad since.
It's like I don't care.
About anything.
I knew it was you, Tony.
Why did you lie
and say it wasn't?
Listen, I just wanna
lay low for a little while.
I'm going through something.
I'm trying to put
the various pieces of my heart
back together.
Well, shit. Let's all have some
fun together while we're here.
Yeah. We can help you
get your head together.
Let's get a selfie.
Where's my phone?
Hey, little baby.
You in trade school?
You got contraptions
in your bag.
You a sex toy hoarder?
Wouldn't you like to know?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No pictures,
Tone... all my dreams are
coming true because of you, bro.
Listen, Freddy. I got you.
But slow down on
the non-prescription drugs, bro.
You doing too much.
Tony, you know you look
even better in person.
I appreciate
that, little baby.
I'm in dire need
of some compliments lately.
Can you believe Donny took my
shit and ran with it like that?
Oh, my God, Jake,
just let that bit go.
-Wait,
you're on his side about this?
-No, I'm not on his side,
but you can write
better material. He can't.
Miley, he took my shit and
now everyone thinks he wrote it.
Fuck that. Fuck him.
Wow, him getting famous is
really killing you, isn't it?
It's not the fame.
Fuck the fame.
What are we, Jake?
I don't know.
I'm confused. It's confusing.
-Confusing?
-Yeah.
-Mmm.
-Like, I wanna kill you.
-Oh.
-But I also wanna fuck you.
- And I hate you,
but I also love you.
You love me?
I mean, you don't-- I didn't
s-- Did I-- did I say that?
Yeah. I think you-- I think
you just said that you love me.
I also said that other stuff.
-Mm-hmm.
-You know?
Yeah.
- God damn, it's hot in here.
- Jesus!
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, whoa,
back the fuck up, man.
Hey, don't get any cl--
Hey, scoot back.
Sorry, bro. I've been living
in the motherfucking closet
since the murder.
-What?
-Don't worry.
It probably wasn't me.
What the fuck, dude? You were
in there the whole time?
I don't have a fuckin' watch.
-Okay, you gotta go.
-Can I have your watch?
Get the fuck out of here!
You got great shoulders, bro.
-Thank you.
-You work out?
-No, I-- Well, I do push-ups--
-CrossFit?
-Get out of here.
-You wanna roll?
You watch Rogan?
Shoulders like that,
you listen to Rogan.
-I know you do.
-You-- you gotta go, man.
All right.
Good luck to you two.
Have a good day.
Go about your... business.
-Y'all two be good.
-Bye.
Hey, how great are
those goose down pillows?
Get the fuck out of here!
Good luck.
What is going on today?
Just fucking close it!
This is what I needed.
To be cuddled and held.
Even when Lisa would caress me,
I knew she was thinking
about somebody else.
Even the head rubs
felt foreign to me.
My ex rubbed my head like
she was looking for lice.
Please tell me they didn't
find nothing, Freddy.
Ah, no, no.
There was an outbreak
at our apartment complex,
but nothing happened.
Whoo!
Are these shrooms kicking in,
or does this plant
have an amazing soul?
Yeah. Hi.
Fuck me with that confused,
non-committal dick, Jake.
-You like that
non-committal dick?
-Yeah.
Hey, I'm a Pisces. What are you?
-You gonna cum?
-I might.
Oh, God. You can't even
commit to cumming now?
God, I wish you were as
fucking funny as you are hot.
What?
How much did you take, Freddy?
At least you're not a Leo.
That's what my ex was.
We're gonna get along just fine.
Hey, dude.
Seriously, kid.
I thought I told you to shave.
Dead supportive father?
-Come on the stage?
-Fuck yeah.
I'm fucking funny.
Sorry for appearing
to you like this,
but you are way off course.
What, are you on shrooms?
Dude, I have a bad feeling
about this.
Those girls you're with,
they're too attractive for you.
You're telling me, Dad.
-Freddy?
-Something's up.
It's like those Russian women
that steal kidneys.
Come sit down.
A girl that attractive
wants something from you.
And it's not sex, kid.
Fuck me,
you mental middle schooler.
-That's good, right?
-What?
Never mind.
Cara, I think these boys
deserve a little bit more
than just conversation.
-Say it.
-You're the headliner.
You're the star.
-Yeah.
-And I'm fucking a headliner.
Yeah,
you're fucking a headliner.
- You don't feature.
- Oh, fuck, no.
Okay, I'll put you down now.
-Don't you think?
-Oh, yeah.
-You're a headliner.
-Oh, yeah.
Wait. You finished?
Give me your fucking money,
Mr. Primetime Shit-Ass
Fake Family Sitcom.
I poured my heart
into that show!
We ain't got no money.
We broke-broke.
Give me the fucking money.
-Just a giver, huh, Freddy?
-Sorry, man.
I gotta say, for someone with
that many dildos, you're a dick.
Let's roll, girl. The plant.
-Wait, hang on. Come on.
-Give me the plant.
- Let's roll.
- No!
Just taking everything.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Come on! Please!
Don't take Jeffrey. Come on!
What are you doing?
He needs water!
What the fuck
is wrong with us, Jake?
It's in my DNA. I got the shaft.
Shady dad and a drunk for a mom.
I was doomed from the beginning.
Well, should we just
give back the money
and start cleaning
our karma now?
No way.
I'm thinking about taking
a few grand and giving it
to all the hilarious comedians
I know that are broke.
Well...
you go, Robin Hood.
Mm-hmm.
They took
all the fucking money?
It's in the Lord's hands now.
You know,
I can't believe we got robbed
by some female TV critics.
Yeah.
Who gets fucking robbed by fans?
They're obviously
not fans, Jake.
Whoever they were,
an hour ago, we were rich.
I was about to start
a goddamn GoFundMe for
a bunch of Detroit comedians.
Now we're broke?
I love you, Freddy,
but you had to give 'em
all the fucking money?
Freddy, are you sure
you gave them all of the money?
I didn't just, like,
give them the money.
You absolutely did.
Like it was both
their fucking birthday.
- We should go on the run.
- We are on the run.
We're fucking dead, dude.
I knew we should've
kept the money in our room.
Freddy just gave that shit away
like they were blood relatives.
You working for the other side?
- Fuck.
- Oh, fuck.
I'll suck your dick right now,
man! Right fucking now!
I don't know how to do it.
I've seen on the Internet.
No fair. You guys get guns.
Knock, knock!
We'll suck your dick!
Huh?
That's not gonna save your life.
Why would I make you
suck my dick?
'Cause you're kidnapping us,
and obviously that's what
you're gonna make us do.
No, that's a stereotype
of kidnapping that
people perpetuate.
It's not really true.
Who-- Who are you?
I'm Freddy Garza.
Shut the fuck up, homeless
Jack Black Streisand Gallagher,
and give me my fucking money.
Listen, I am under
a lot of stress right now.
-We don't have your money.
-How'd you lose it, Tony?
Yeah, how the fuck
did you lose it, Tony?
It's my fault, all right?
I got us into this,
and I can get us out of it
if you just give us a chance.
We'll get your money back.
You know,
I don't give a fuck, okay?
St. Elmo's Fire,
you Ferris Bueller,
Breakfast Club Emilio
Estevez-looking motherfucker.
I could give two shits.
Who is this?
This is Jake, Jake Burman.
He's the leader
of these degenerate comedians.
Oh, yeah?
You're the leader, huh?
Of this degenerate group
of fucking nobodies, huh?
Going nowhere with your bullshit
careers? You know what?
-Release the hounds!
-Oh, fuck, man!
Oh, yeah. Oh, no, yeah.
Oh, yeah. The doggies are
coming out! Ruff, ruff!
We-- we don't have the hounds.
-Wha-- where the hounds?
-They're at the groomers.
Why are the hounds
at the groomers?
-Last time
you wanted them groomed.
-Wha--
Who the fuck is running
this operation here?
Yeah, who is running this op?
Get me out of this shithole.
- Oh, you want out of this shithole?
- -Yeah.
Yeah? How about I send you
to one of my strip clubs
on Eight Mile, eh?
Have you dance it off real nice.
-I'd fucking love that.
-Put you on the pole,
you could tell
some of your jokes.
Make me my money back, huh?
Yeah, do it. Bring Eminem
and all his friends.
I'll fucking make your money
back in three nights.
I would love to have you
out there dancing for me.
-I'll have you out there
dancing real nice.
-Yeah, all right.
- Real nice, huh? Like that.
Put some tassels on it.
- Yeah.
-Got big balls, huh?
-You do like my balls,
don't you?
-Yeah.
-I'm assuming
this is a metaphor.
Yeah. Shake it, hoo-hoo!
Shake it, hoo-hoo!
-This is insane.
-Oh, man.
You like that?
Shake it, hoo-hoo!
Yeah, I'll get you up there.
- Shake it, shake it, shake it.
- Shake 'em all around.
Tell some of your fucking jokes.
Shake it, shake again.
- I'll give you a nice lap dance.
You want a lap dance?
- Stop egging him on.
- You want a lap dance? Huh?
- No, thank you.
I'll give you something
real nice and real proper.
You wanna see a lap dance?
- No, I don't.
-Put it up here, I put it up here.
- No, I don't.
- Do it all day. All night.
You want a little
something-something, huh? Huh?
I'll tickle. You wanna
tickle the pickle? Huh?
You wanna tickle the pickle?
Tickle the pickle, huh?
Oh, you fucking creep
cocksucker, you.
Yeah, I know you wanna
tickle the pickle.
You'll do anything to get back
on TV. I'll make you famous.
I'll make you--
I make you famous, huh?
I get cockeyed when
I look at you. You see that?
My eye goes over here
when I look at you, you fuck.
Get us the fuck out of here.
We'll get your money.
How you gonna get me
my fucking money?
Listen, hear my cry.
We playing at The Jack soon.
I'm Tony Wilson.
Nobody gives a fuck about you,
Bobby, Ronnie, Ricky, or Mike!
Nobody gives a fuck about you
and your stupid fucking shows
and your bullshit career.
I used to own The Jack.
Nicky Rubin, he pushed me out.
That was my club.
You know, take down The Jack.
Let me tell you something.
You guys take down The Jack,
you get me my money back,
I won't kill you.
- Although I should kill you for
what you did to my guy Phil--
-Sorry, Phil.
-Fucking-- fucking kill 'em.
Kill 'em.
They're not that funny anyway.
-No respect.
-Get me my fucking money!
We're fucked.
What a fuckin' psycho, dude.
He doesn't need his money.
He needs a therapist.
-No, we have to
get him his money.
-Yeah, we need to do that, too.
We got one shot
to do this right.
If we're gonna take down
this venue, let's-- let's
just start checking.
Let's see if
they're flush with cash.
We start without
the first ten rows.
-How many rows are there?
-Ninety.
-Ugh.
-You know, seven years ago,
I would've sold this place out.
Dude, what a joke.
You're Tony Wilson.
I am Tony Wilson.
-Yeah, you're Tony Wilson.
-I mean, come on.
I am Tony motherfucking Wilson.
Exactly, you star
in your own fucking sitcom.
My own sitcom.
You got slimed
at the Kids Choice Awards.
You know what?
We are gonna sell
at our own venue,
and in five minutes.
Here's the deal.
Our last stop
is The Jack Theater,
and we are taking it down.
The Jack's got 90 rows
up and down,
100 seats across, $30 a head.
That's almost 150,000
at the door.
No questions asked.
Now, we sell that entire place
out, and we're looking at $300K
and that's before
merchandise and the bar.
300,000.
Now, I know Nicky Rubin
keeps all kinds of cash
in there to avoid Uncle Sam,
and I'm thinking
there might be somewhere between
$350 and a half a mil
at the end of the night.
We give Freckle Face his money,
they got enough to disappear
and believe me,
they are so dirty,
no one's calling the cops.
Now, Freddy,
I know you got people.
What do you think?
My cousin
Alejandro can break
into any security system.
He's a genius.
He built his own electric chair
as a kid and put me in it.
- My hair used to be straight.
- That's perfect.
Tone, you scope out the money
situation once we get in there.
We'll have a safe
in the office.
Let's make sure
we get to it right away.
And I want your crew
to take the merch table.
You got someone you could
bring in on this?
I know you got a crew, right?
I got the perfect guy
for the job.
And I owe him one, too.
When Alejandro gives
the all-clear...
Cameras are looping,
and... we're clear.
Both your squads make
your way down to the lobby.
Tony, your crew's gonna
take the merch table.
Who do you know?
- Yo, Tray will be down for this.
- -Yeah?
- Oh, yeah.
- That old ass fake gangster
Nicky Rubin still
owed me $10,000
for the last three times
I played The Jack.
Freddy,
your crew hits the cash bar
while the rest of us
go to Nicky's office.
Miley, you're on lookout.
Good?
- 'Sup, cuz?
- There he is.
Who is this white motherfucker?
Sorry I'm late.
One of my grow houses
completely flooded.
That's my cousin Martin.
An hour late, bro.
So what's up, man? Talk to me.
All right,
just so everyone knows,
Martin's down with the program.
I'm more than down.
I used to get beat up in
The Jack when I was underage,
and the owners wouldn't pay
my hospital bills either.
-Freddy was there.
-No, I wasn't.
Tony Wilson?
Shit, man, I thought you'd
be somewhere huge by now.
Hey, life unpredictable,
playboy!
What the hell you've done
with your life lately?
All right, all right.
It's okay. It's okay.
Hey, so when you give
the all clear,
we're good to go, right?
Copy.
Did you guys order yet?
Yes, we ate an hour ago.
-Oh.
-Yeah, bro.
We're probably gonna
bounce here in a sec,
but, yeah,
be at The Jack on time.
That's great, but who's
gonna be the second headliner?
Welcome to Donnyland.
Thanks for having us.
Would you like shots of
Donny's new Heff mint vodka?
It's our newest brand,
made with real potato
and tears from
the Tanzanian little people.
-Oh, that's money-money.
-It's kind of fucked up.
I'm gonna get one.
I'm gonna need one.
Mmm.
Oh, my God.
I'm good on alien juice.
-It's so cold.
-Yeah, good choice.
- Right this way.
- Gross.
Jesus.
We made it.
Did you get
that email I sent you?
No.
Man, apparently
that Rush Hour has been redone,
like, a bunch of times.
-Check it out, man.
-Egyptian marble?
I'm thinking
we just go in there,
and they see, like, a dude
like me and a dude like you,
and they're gonna
be like, sitcom.
So passionate, Freddy.
Have you seen CHiPs?
-What kind of chips?
-We redo CHiPs.
It's called a reboot.
I've been looking
into these things.
We need to do it again,
but way hotter.
If you guys would like
some water, cannabis or MDMA,
just let me know,
I'll call down to our chemist
who's here all week.
Right this way.
Ay!
Welcome to Donnyland.
-What's up?
-God damn, Donny.
Your entire world operates
off Adderall and Viagra.
You just be up-up in every way.
Honestly, though,
you're one for two.
I rip Adderall on a big wave,
snorting it.
But if I do Viagra again,
the doctor says
I'm not gonna make it,
so can't do it anymore.
But I'm doing so much HGH now
that if I flex hard enough,
I can bring myself to climax.
-Watch this.
-Please don't show us.
I stopped short
before I made a mess.
How many push-ups can
you do now, Burman?
I don't know, Donny.
I don't count my push-ups.
You know that.
-Put a number on it.
-Like, 80.
Very cool. I can do 100.
Tony,
you can probably do like 7000.
You're fricking jacked, man.
I admire you.
My man, I am exhausted. Move on.
-Big fan.
-Do you have any more MDMA?
Mmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
We'll just tell you
why we're here.
We're doing a comedy show
and we would love
to have you on the bill.
Yeah, I don't wanna talk
about that right now.
Pause. I got a corporate event
at a megachurch
and I'm about to
sing this song for 'em.
It's called "Donny's Hymn."
Hot mic. Just be chill.
Donny, you can't be
doing shit like that.
We are in Detroit.
Oh, Tony,
I thought it was really good.
Thank you so much.
Uh, believe it or not,
John Lennon wrote those lyrics.
But my talent
brought it to life.
You feel me, Tony, right?
You and I are
both very talented.
-Them, not so much.
-I beg your pardon?
What the fuck he talking about?
We need a favor. Listen,
we're doing a comedy show
and we would like
to put you on the bill.
Yeah, I don't really know.
I don't wanna
talk about that here.
But maybe if you follow me,
I'll be in a favor-doing mood.
Take this off.
Follow me to my think tank.
Oh, this should be good.
So let me
get this straight.
You want me to put my name
on your show?
Yeah. We've been
over this 20 times.
It's not that complicated.
Also, why are you riding that
and dressed like that?
It makes me more aerodynamic.
Okay?
And why would I help you?
Because if you help us
sell this out,
I'm willing to put
everything behind us.
Oh, you're willing
to let everything go?
What are you talking about?
What do you mean,
what am I talking about?
Miley, you stealing my bit,
the fact that I built
this whole fucking empire.
All right, that's it.
You're done. You guys can leave.
You could jump out the
fucking window. I don't care.
All right? We're done here.
-You know what?
Fuck you, you little jerk.
-Okay, okay.
Let's calm down.
I do have to show
you one more thing.
Okay? Come with me.
Great.
Welcome, my friends,
to where all the magic happens.
- In your media room?
- Yeah.
Play the video, Mouse.
The one with the donkey
and the monkey?
-No, no, no.
Not my private videos.
-What?
Those are videos
from my private time.
-Freaky shit.
-Oh, other video.
Okay.
Oh,
my goodness gracious.
Is that Jake committing a crime?
We should zoom in on that.
- Oh, we caught-caught.
- Shit.
All right, fuck it. Let's go,
let's go, let's go, let's go.
Fuck.
Miley!
Is that--
All right? Yeah, we were there.
So what? What's your point?
My point is that I didn't
release this into the world
and ruin your shit life.
Why didn't you release it?
Well, the shit that you're
in tends to work itself out.
They're probably gonna kill you.
But it feels so fucking good
to have a one up on you, Jake.
Sure. Yeah.
I'll admit it.
You're funnier than me,
Right?
Better at stand up than me.
- Yep.
- You got a better beard than me.
You got pillowy-soft lips.
Probably a better
kisser than me.
Not like me,
I lead with my teeth
when I go in for a kiss,
'cause I'm passionate like that.
Okay.
You probably
have some body hair.
Not like me. Totally hairless.
Can't grow hair.
Don't want to.
But you know what?
We're the same height.
-I'm way taller than you.
-You killed my dog.
-Yeah.
-No, I didn't.
Okay? You're off
the hook for that.
What I'm saying is,
what I do takes balls.
Takes gumption.
Cojones, all right?
And I think I deserve
a little bit of credit.
Credit for what?
Stealing jokes and pretending
that they're yours?
Or fornicating
with all these silent,
fine bitches wearing hard hats?
I just need, like,
a yes or a no on the MDMA.
Look, if I didn't steal
your joke,
the world wouldn't have seen it.
Simple as that.
What do you wanna do?
- What do I wanna do?
- -Yeah, what do you wanna do?
-Trying to fight?
-Yes.
All right.
Let's fucking fight, bro.
- I'll fight you right now.
-In front of everybody.
You know what? I take karate
right now, all right?
I'm in the 12-14 age bracket,
and my instructor said
I'm the best kid in there.
I've been kicking all
those kids asses, all right?
He says I gotta leave.
He says, "You're beating
them up too much."
I said, "I'm not gonna leave,
I paid for these classes."
And then they go,
"We'll call the police."
I say, "Try and do it,"
and then I-- then I leave.
-All right?
-I ain't no kid.
Okay, okay,
we didn't come to throw hands.
But you better thank your boy
for calling off the dogs.
Cause I was ready to throw down.
I was ready to wrestle
with my shirt off.
All right, so what is it then?
What are you gonna do?
I want an 80/20 split
at the door.
-Okay.
-70/30 on merch.
I control all the promoting,
all the marketing.
You do exactly what I say.
Maybe...
you can start making
some real money for once.
Sell this place out.
And that's not directed
at you, Tony.
You stack paper, man.
I absolutely adore you.
They're losers. They're bad.
Deal. Fine. Shut up. Deal.
-Hey, it's Freddy Garza.
-And Jake Burman.
Cut! God almighty.
You do not get my vision.
-I'm a director, okay?
-On it. I'm on it.
And you need to make that work.
Oh yeah!
Welcome Jake Burman
and Freddy Garza
to another episode
of it's me, The Donny Pod.
Oh, my God, the Donny pod.
And here we have the theory of
functions of a complex variable.
- God, that was perfect.
- Do you think so?
Oh, my God.
This is doing it for me.
And we got that, Mouse?
- It's Freddy Garza!
- Cut!
Fucking actors
don't understand art.
Look at the--
Look at what I got.
Oh, okay. Got it.
What up? It's your boy D Heff.
Friday, April 28.
I got a show at The Jack Theater
with my absolute best friend
in the world, Tony Wilson.
A couple other people
are gonna perform, too.
They don't matter.
Motherfucking Tony Wilson.
April 28.
Jack Theater.
I'm finna sell this bitch out.
This episode is sponsored
by potato chips.
How long is this episode?
This is my podcast, baby.
It's 45 minutes long,
and it's me yelling.
Miley Thomas. April fucking 28.
Hey, I'm Freddie Garza.
April 28. The Jack Theater.
It's gonna be awesome.
Miley doesn't love you.
She loves me.
I'm not trying to stir
the pot right now
just because I'm on the pod.
She had sex with me.
Picture that right now.
Everyone listening
to this right now,
picture me having
intercourse with Miley.
She came to me in a dream.
It wasn't her,
the body that we know Miley
to be, it was in a bear's form.
And I go, "Don't do this!"
And she began to eat my body.
She started
to literally eat my body.
And I'm going, "Miley, stop it!
-You're killing me!"
-My aunt's listening.
If you're out there listening,
shout out to you.
Thank you for being
a Patreon subscriber.
If you don't pay for this,
then fuck you.
What is this?
What is this?
I'm gonna choke him.
Jake, we had 90% capacity.
These videos is catching fire.
Hold off on that.
And plus, I just talked to Tray.
-You gonna be good in a minute.
-All right. You're right.
Look, honestly,
our last two videos have
crossed
over half a million views.
Just get Donny to The Jack
so we can scope the place.
Got it.
We're selling tickies, baby.
I'm taking care of it.
Hit the vending machine.
Get me some apple juice.
Let me talk
to a star real quick.
I'm taking care of you,
my brother.
Donny, you gotta quit
talking like that.
You make me uncomfortable.
I feel you, my man. I feel you.
No, seriously, I don't feel
where you're coming from.
Say no more, all right?
You and I are exactly
the same person.
I hear you, dude.
Donny, do you have any,
like, MDMA left over?
Or, like, rooster semen,
upper, downer, middlers?
Freddy, you have a problem.
-Get out of my face.
-Whoa.
Hey, how about I talked
to Donny for a sec, guys?
How's that sound?
You don't have any?
Hey, what's up, man?
We're cool, we're cool.
-Yeah.
-It's okay. Yeah.
-Loosen up. Loosen up.
-Okay.
I, uh, I was thinking The Jack
Theater, legendary place.
Yeah, it's legendary because
I'm doing a show there.
He would say that.
Exactly. Yeah, exactly.
That's why I was thinking
when we get there,
we should do some promotional
videos, plug the show,
but also prove to everyone
that Detroit's on the comeback.
I do like that, Jake.
I'm gonna say I did that.
I'm gonna say that was my idea.
You understand?
Not a problem.
I kind of hate that I love
one of your ideas.
-Two.
-What?
You hate that you love
two of my ideas.
I'm-- I don't do math, Jake.
Buy tickets to the show.
You gotta buy tickets.
Grab your mommy's
credit card and run it.
You gotta come.
Buy tickets, buy tickets--
Buy tickets!
B-B-B-B--
And now you have
the theory of functions
of a complex variable.
Any questions, bitches?
You know I'm a numbers guy!
Don't miss Donny and Friends,
like me, Miley Thomas,
April 28 at The Jack Theater.
Somebody needs tickets.
-What's up? I'm Freddy Garza.
-And I'm Jake Burman.
Yeah, give me all
my fucking money back,
you little fucking shit, you.
...at The Jack Theater,
April 28.
Take every fucking dime
out of that Nicky Rubin,
you backstabbing
motherfucker, you.
The gang will all be there.
Come to The Jack Theater
and see us all.
We're gonna go see
your favorite comedian, baby.
Yeah.
Tone, I'm thinking after
this whole thing is done,
you and I go down to Costa Rica,
open up a comedy club.
Absolutely not, Freddy.
All right, that's cool.
Miley, we need your head
in the game, not in your phone
all day.
All right, this is it.
Tell me you're not falling
into all that Donny
follower bullshit.
I have 400,000 followers
thanks to Donny.
Who cares about followers
when you can't tell a joke?
Excuse me?
No, I'm not you, Donny.
Not-- not you.
Okay, well, 400,000 followers
means I get my shot.
- Social media, it's not real.
- -Oh, it's real.
-It's very real.
-Let's bounce.
- Oh, fuck.
Look who it is.
- Well, well, well.
If it ain't the class of 2005's
Most Likely To Do
Nothing Couple.
Oh, Barry, are you just sad
I didn't sleep with you
junior year?
You did sleep with me, Miley.
You did. Junior year.
-Oh, yeah.
-Jake, get in the car.
-What?
-Get in the fucking car.
Slept with Barry.
Pick a side.
Here we go.
What is it, Barry?
You got some names
for me or not?
Names of who?
People you've dealt
with in the past.
People you owe money to?
Please talk, Jake.
Hey, you know what, Freddy?
I think we really should
do that Rush Hour idea.
-You serious?
-Yeah.
Now that I thought about it,
I think it'd be dope.
I'm not the kingpin
of the Detroit underworld.
I don't work for a cartel.
I sold pre-rolls
to college kids, okay?
Let it go, dude.
I've already written,
like, a treatment.
It's not gonna be
as stereotypical as you think.
I'll be at your show
that's coming up.
Me and the wife.
Oh, Stephanie, huh?
She could use some laughs?
Wanna see Jake Burman?
Dude, how boring is your life?
Ah! Oh, my God.
My wife's name
out your fucking mouth.
I'm going to.
Can I go?
Jesus.
Why you wanna give us
the work, Tone?
Come on, bro. You showed me
love when you ain't have to.
All I did was get
you stage time, man.
You was funny on your own.
No, stage time was a lot
to a young fella back then,
even if you wasn't funny.
And for what it's worth,
you was the funniest dude
in Detroit back then.
Yeah, I was
killing the game back then,
but this comedy life
is beating my ass, though.
-You know why
I'm doing this, right?
-No. Why?
'Cause that old-ass
fake gangster Nicky Rubin
still owe me 10,000 for the last
three times I played The Jack.
You don't gotta say
no more, bro.
Side note, you know,
I fronted your boy
a few pounds, and I never
saw the money for that.
I know he crazy and shit,
but I'm not the one
to play games with.
Jake a good dude, let up on him.
Just a crazy ass white boy
stuck in his own ways.
Let's see how you looking, man.
Jake don't even know
I just saved his ass.
He owe me for that.
It's your boy D Heff.
Come to Jack Theater.
It's going down, baby.
Your boy Jake Burman
will be there.
Fucking Miley Thomas.
Jack Theater.
And let's get together.
Yay! One...
I've got two now and...
three. Perfect!
Hashtag Donnyland.
-Hashtag Jack Theater.
-Look who's here.
Clowns that make
the world a better place.
What a lineup.
Nicky Rubin. Nice to meet you.
Tony Wilson.
My kids, they loved your show.
Wasn't for me. But you made
a lot of money doing it,
and that's all that counts.
I appreciate
the disrespectful compliment.
Whatever
I can do for you.
-Jake Burman.
-Hey.
Thanks for
making this tour happen.
You're a handsome kid.
Too handsome for comedy.
- Thanks for putting
this whole thing together.
Thanks for having us.
Appreciate you.
My pleasure.
Donny. Donny Heffner.
I don't even know
if you're funny,
but my God,
you could sell tickets.
Don't know what that means,
but I sell tickies, Nicky.
I should adopt you as my own.
My son, right now,
he's in St. Barts on a yacht
with a fashion model
and a golden doodle.
Putz never worked a day
in his life.
Do they wanna fly me out
for a threesome?
That could happen.
-Freddy.
-Freddy Garza.
Freddy. Good to see you.
Glad you're here.
I can't wait
to take this guy down.
-Excuse me?
-I said we can't wait
to rock this town.
That's what I thought you said.
So glad you're here.
Let's grab a drink.
Cheers, to my new friends.
It's gonna be a great night.
My prick ex-partner, Louie--
That motherfucking.
That piece of shit.
Scumbum.
That motherless motherfucker.
Give me my fucking money.
...was envious of me since the
day he set foot on this earth.
Is it my fault
he had an alcoholic mohel?
Rabbi Cut-Your-Pecker-Off.
Pretty good, right?
Maybe I should open up for you.
It's my club.
Cheers.
Ah, there it is.
- I love that joke.
- That was--
- That was fucking funny.
- Yeah.
-That's so funny.
-Oh, actually, don't touch him.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- L'chaim.
Oh, he knows something.
Hey, that just circumcised
all of us.
I'm using that.
Write that down, Mouse.
Okay, fuck that. I wrote that.
I'd like to start off
by saying how incredibly
thankful
I am for this moment,
regardless of how it came about.
- Jake.
- Douchebag.
I'd like to give a thick, juicy,
beautiful thank you
to my energy shaman, D'Artagnan,
whose company,
White Baby's Breath,
gave me a lifetime
sponsorship to energy mist.
You spray it in your face
and you can basically stay up
for like, eleven days straight.
It's insane.
Uh, let's see.
Shout out to Rico,
my stylist got me
dripping like crazy.
He says pinky rings
are coming back soon.
So that's a little bit
of good news for you guys.
Buy a pinky rang.
Uh, namaste to
my numerologist, Harper.
She says today is literally
the perfect day for a show.
She also predicted what day
I'm eventually gonna pass away.
And it's gonna
be December 25, 2072.
So you boys checking out
on Christmas, ah!
It's gonna be a good one.
Uh, I also care
about each and every one
of you guys very deeply.
I love you guys.
I'm gonna say it right now,
especially Tony and Freddy.
You dudes are
my best friends on planet Earth.
-Those are my best friends.
-I'm being serious
with you right now.
I take a bullet for you guys.
I think that's everything
that needs to be said right now,
right?
- Can I get an amen?
- Amen.
Let's see here.
Goodnight.
Welcome to the world-famous
Jack Theater.
Now there's even more
world-famous Jack Theater.
Been a terrible week.
You know what I've been through?
I'm back drinking,
I'm smoking weed
against my will,
they try to get me
to eat mushrooms.
Tonight's a special night
for the city of Detroit.
We have two comedy legends.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have
Tony Wilson here tonight.
I got Donny Heffner.
You know what I gotta do?
Stop hanging out with
white boys like you, Jake.
All right, take it easy.
I know, I know.
-It's been a rough week.
-My life has got exponentially
worse since you picked me up.
Donny frickin' Heffner
is in the house. I got him!
-You see him.
-You didn't think it would
get this far,
but it did. All right?
You just need to go out there
and handle your business.
You are funny without alcohol.
You do not need that shot.
You don't need booze.
You don't need drugs.
You got this.
Now go out there and kill.
I love you.
I love you too, Dad.
He's an up-and-comer
from Detroit. Hometown guy.
Make some noise
for Freddy Garza.
Oh, man.
Oh, my God.
Wow!
Holy shit.
I'm playing The Jack Theater.
Aw, this is crazy, man.
You guys are like,
"Damn, Aquaman got fat.
What happened here, man?
What's with homeless
Jack Black now, now?"
Man,
I look like a pothead, dude.
I know I do. I got busted
for smoking weed a while back.
They brought a dog
out to search me.
As soon as the dog saw me,
we looked at each other
and he's like,
"You're going down,
motherfucker."
Some people hate weed, man.
I saw this ad online.
This church put it up
and had this kid on there
and he was crying and it said,
"I smoked pot once,
and now I'm gay."
Man, here's the thing.
If you smoke pot once
and now you're gay,
you're probably gay
the whole time, okay?
- What's good?
- Hey.
We need to talk.
I can talk.
- I can talk.
- You like talking?
Hey, everybody. So all of
my followers have been asking
if me and Donny Heffner
have been hooking up.
And, boy,
do we have some news for you.
What the fuck?
Hey, look at this.
Will they? Won't they?
And the answer is
-we will.
-Yeah, we will go on tour.
Ain't no way she gonna
do you like that, Jake.
Hell, yeah.
We're going on tour,
baby, come on, now!
Yeah, look,
we got the fuzzy cuffs going.
We're getting kinky up in here.
We're gonna get sweaty
very soon sexually.
I'm telling you right now,
Miley, let the people know.
-They deserve to know.
-Oh, they deserve to know?
Well, you know what
my followers deserve to know?
That that strippers
in school joke you wrote
was actually stolen
from Jake Burman.
Yeah, why don't you go ahead
and tell my 400,000 followers
that you stole that concept
from Jake Burman?
Can you get this off me,
you crazy fucking bitch?
Ow!
He likes that and he's sorry.
No, I don't. That fucking hurt.
-Who likes to be slapped?
-Confess, Donny.
Confess what?
You think anybody gives a shit?
They don't give a shit.
You think a single person
cares who came up with
the TikTok dance?
No, they care about
the cool-looking dude
in the vest who gets
200 million views doing it.
Okay? Yes, I stole strippers
in school from Jake Burman.
Fine!
He sucks. I did it better.
Would you say that's
a bad girl gone good
or a good girl gone bad?
Whatever she is,
hold on tight, goddamn it.
That's the Bonnie to your Clyde.
Give me the phone.
You don't get it, Miley.
People, follow me.
Not because I'm real
or authentic?
Look, just give me
the phone, okay?
Just give me the fucking phone.
My six million fans
will not care.
Oh, six million fans?
- Yeah.
Six million, honey.
- Five million and dropping.
-Oh, no.
-Miley,
are you serious, though?
I guess we're not
going on tour anymore.
- Stop. Don't leave me in here.
- Bye, Donny.
-Stop. Seriously.
-Fucking bye, Donny.
Don't leave me in here!
Are we still gonna fuck?
Walk away if it means yes.
Ugh, come on! God damn it!
Jake, I fucking got him.
-That was amazing.
-Fuck Donny.
He tried to pay me in energy
and a life coach.
And as soon as the life coach
came into my life,
my life got worse.
So fuck him.
And I've got
every picture we need
to blackmail his ass
if he tries to come after us.
- Easy, psycho.
- And one more thing.
Donny Heffner got
into a jet skiing accident
and he lost his tooth.
And, uh,
he made me give him mine.
- Oh, God.
- My tooth is in his mouth.
- What the fuck?
- God damn.
-Oh, God.
-That's a different type
of relationship.
Yeah.
All right, ladies and gentlemen,
giving up for
the very funny Jake Burman.
Okay, that's you.
You know what? You go.
What-- Why?
Do my stage time. Go crush.
If this shit goes south,
I don't want anyone to know
you had anything to do with it.
Go kill 'em.
Go show Detroit what you're
about. You've earned your spot.
- Don't mind if I do.
- Go get em, player.
All right.
-See you when it's over.
-Let's get that money,
Whoo!
Jake "strippers in school"
Burman.
The guy who made
Donny Heffner rich.
How can I help you?
Detroit!
Hey.
All right, so there's two things
that I've learned in life.
One, you don't always
get what you want.
And two, you can
pay your rent by selling
photos of your feet.
I'm serious. You know,
you think the whole foot
would be the moneymaker,
but I've been selling them
for $90 a toe.
If I didn't have ten toes,
I'd be homeless.
Hi. Did you enjoy the show?
Yeah, the show was great.
We have plenty
of merch for memory.
We got little printouts here.
I like that bag over there.
It looks real good.
- Oh, yeah, this bag?
-Yeah, that bag.
Cameras are looping.
And we're clear.
We'll see you next week
at little Becky's quinceaera.
Hey, if you see our boy Freddy,
tell him to get his shit
together.
Give me your fucking money!
Shut the fuck up!
And put the fucking cash in too.
I want the fucking cash.
Let's go.
$7500 for Jake.
All right, we got this.
Don't move, don't move.
Hey, don't move!
Don't touch the money!
Get on the couch and shut up.
Lay down. Face down.
Don't look at us.
Come on. I ain't got all day.
Put the money in the bag.
Let's go.
Jake, Tony, that other guy.
I know it's you.
Hurry up. Come on!
Cash in the bag, bro. Let's go.
A robber.
Get down.
Hurry up, go!
What the hell's
going on?
Get on the fucking
ground. Shut the fuck up.
Let's go, fellas.
I'll be right back.
- Let's go. Let's go.
- Let's go, let's go.
- Jake, let's go.
- Don't say my name.
He meant someone else.
- Let's go.
- Good job.
He's got such
bad commitment issues,
but he couldn't
even commit to cumming.
Let's go. Get in. Get in.
Hey, Officer Bryant,
which way did he go?
That way.
Stay there.
Come on. Come on.
Let's move out.
These ain't open-micers, bro.
Come on. Get the van.
Jake, let's go.
Come on, Jake, let's go.
Jake, let's go!
Go, go, go.
Hey, freeze right now.
-Go. Hey!
-Get out the van.
Let's go.
Out the van, right now.
-Yo!
-Hey. Drop the gun.
Drop it right now.
-Burman.
-What's the matter, bitch?
Can't take a joke?
Drop the gun.
-Drop it now.
-Dude, this shit's not
even real--
Hey!
Oh, damn.
Oh, fuck.
And the heart wants
what the heart wants.
Which sometimes it's love,
which is nice.
You think everything
is funny, don't you?
Can't help it. That's just
the way I see the world.
-You're Tony Wilson.
-I am Tony Wilson.
Yeah. You're Tony Wilson.
- Freddy Garza.
- What?
-Ready to make some money.
-Yes.
- Oh, my God.
- What are we, Jake?
I'm confused. It's confusing.
Confusing?
I hate you. But I also love you.
It's in my DNA. I got the shaft.
Shady dad, drunk for a mom.
I was doomed from the beginning.
It's my fault, all right?
I got us into this.
And I can get us out of it.
Hey, that's it for me.
Thanks. I'm Jake Burman.
Well, Jake took
a bullet and didn't even hit
the stage.
I told you comedy
was a gangster art form.
Let's see what happened
to the rest of the crew.
Please don't go.
Donny lost his followers
and found his calling.
Came out of the closet,
married his friend Domingo,
and formed a skincare line
called Real Gay Skin.
Okay, copy that.
Mouse invented
a teeth whitening brand
called Smile, Bitch.
That other guy!
Nicky did time
for tax evasion,
came out and hit the lottery,
he became a rabbi,
then got Me Too'd
for having sex
in the temple's orchestra pit.
Maddie and Cara ended up
getting pregnant
by the same person
on the same night
after a drug-fueled Hollywood
Hills little person party.
- 24 fucking hours!
- -Phil was run out of town
by a group of Albanian
comedians after stiffing them
at their Christmas show
in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
Yeah, it's embarrassing.
Louie was found
guilty of trafficking in
Ecuadorian elderly women who
turned tricks in nursing homes
across the state while
doubling as cleaning ladies.
Shady shit.
...out your fucking mouth.
Barry's wife left him
and he left the force.
Word has it he's selling
weed in the underworld.
And Jake, well, you know
he couldn't die, right?
It's a comedy.
What's up, bitches?
That's the joke.
That's the joke.
I learned my lesson.
Ricky got me.
Well, I'll tell you guys
a little about myself.
Not that there's
anything you don't know.
You've seen me shit
and jerk off, so.
Tell you about my life
before I got in here.
Who in here had
a terrible parent?
Yeah, that checks out.
I don't know
if my parents were terrible.
My dad died when I was eight,
and my mom died they told me
of a broken heart,
but I'm gonna guess
it was probably the booze.
I moved to an orphanage
when I was nine years old
and my uncles
played a little game called
who could be
the shittiest guardian?
Turns out it was a tie.
You know how bad
of a guardian you have to be
to have a nine year old
taken away from you.
This system's upside down.
Just look what it did to
the Blacks and Mexicans
and white boy Rick.
It's a fucked up system.
Trust me.
Every time something
bad happened to me,
I took it out on a stranger.
When my dad died,
I started stealing cars.
When my mom died,
I started selling weed.
She was much better
for business.
The other day, I got a joke
from the Aryan Brotherhood.
It was hilarious.
I was actually pissed off
it was so funny,
I called the Mexicans
to see if they had
anything funnier.
Fuck. I started a gang war
over a punchline.
But I stay cool with everyone.
That's what this world needs.
A little bit more cool
with everyone.
I made friends with Black gangs,
Mexican gangs,
the Aryan Brotherhood.
Hell, I slow-danced
with a trans named Tino
who's six foot four,
soft skin, great dance moves.
Huge.
Thank you. Good night.
I'll see you guys
in three minutes.
Well, well, well.
I know you got
some new material now.
Better be funny-funny
after doing all that time.
I got three years'
worth of material.
Man, is good to see you guys.
Freddy.
You look great, buddy.
I cut out bread!
-And cocaine.
-It worked.
Mostly cocaine.
Listen, Jake,
we hitting the road.
We doing ten cities
starting tomorrow.
Nice. Wait, who's headlining?
Who do you think?
Get in, handsome.
Don't fuck with stand up comedy.
I remember
this one night, Saturday night,
Raleigh, North Carolina,
late show.
I'm exhausted.
I just wanna get my money
and get the fuck out of there.
So I'm on this high.
I completely have
just an amazing set.
The manager comes up,
he's like, "Great job.
Come upstairs.
I'm gonna pay you."
We sold out
the weekend, you know,
so we wanted to go hang
out and party with the staff,
but we didn't tell the manager
'cause, you know,
he gets too drunk, man,
and we don't want his ass there.
I go in,
owner, half drunk.
He goes, "How about I pay you
in cocaine and vintage coins?"
I'm like, "What the-- What?
The fuck are you talking about?"
I go up the stairs.
I'm all happy.
I open the door, what do I see?
This dude's junk is completely
outside of his pants.
He's just holding it
with a smile on his face,
looking at me.
This fool got so upset
that we didn't tell him
we were going,
that he tried
to keep half of our pay.
I was ready to tell
the guy, go fuck himself.
Okay? I'm not doing
this anymore.
I'm never working here again.
Nine months later,
I needed the money.
I headlined.
Now I got a coke problem,
and I got
incredible 1940s coins.
That's the mentality
of a comedian.
All right. Um,
I didn't really wanna do this,
because I've actually never
been screwed over by a promoter,
but I've screwed over
several promoters.
There was a time in--
I think it was Tucson--
where I did a show where, um,
where I screwed over
a promoter, and...
and he never even paid me.
And I was like,
"Dude, you know what?
I should pay you for just
fucking putting this on.
You have staff here
and all that."
So I actually wound up
paying him. That was Tucson.
That's why I was saying,
I don't think I really fit
in this movie,
because a lot of comedians
are talking
about how promoters
screwed them over.
And I'm thinking back, I'm like,
you know, I have never been
screwed over by a promoter,
but I screwed over
several promoters by
my just terrible comedy.
It happens a lot.
It's still kind of happening.
The act of laughter
enhances our immune system,
decreasing stress
hormones while increasing
immune cells and infection
fighting antibodies,
thus greatly improving
our resistance to disease.
Laughter also triggers
the release of endorphins,
the body's natural feel
good chemicals,
thereby promoting an overall
sense of well-being
where we can actually even
temporarily alleviate pain.
Laughter protects the heart,
increasing the levels
of blood flow
while decreasing the risk
of heart attack and other
cardiovascular problems.
A good laugh would
even help diffuse comp
by showing us the sunnier
side of things.
And if we give enough laughs in,
we may even live a longer life.
Therefore, if I were you,
I would take laughter
very fucking seriously.