Steam Room Stories: The Movie! (2019) Movie Script

I didn't realize there'd be
so many insects involved.
We're five minutes early.
If you're 5 minutes early,
then you're 10 minutes late.
Maybe we've missed him.
Seorita Fay?
- You put it in there too deep.
- Sorry.
Ay, ay, ay.
This map was handed down to me by
my ancestor Juan Ponce de Leon.
Thank you.
For too many years, my family has
survived only on rice and beans.
Last week,
we ran out of rice.
You, my young protg,
are looking at the map to a location
of the legendary Fountain of Youth.
This ancient scroll will ensure my reign as
the world's most powerful cosmetics giant
And now, I begin an adventure so great,
maybe they'll even make a movie about it.
Are you listening to me?
Of course I am.
It's just, if you compare
this map to Google Earth,
I think you're reading
this map upside down.
So, if I triangulate the coordinates,
isolate the region, and align the vicinity...
Just tell me.
In what exotic land does
this fountain of myth reside?
I think it's Encino, California.
Encino, California?
Oh, yeah. F me, right?
You know what? You guys
are lucky you are all single.
I think it might help if you were
just a little bit more chill.
- Me?
- Yeah.
- You think it's me?
- Yes.
Little bit.
What? That's ridiculous.
No one is more chill than me.
I am the ice man.
- Wade?
- Hi.
This for you.
I could see from
your profile picture
that your apartment could use little
bit more greenery, so I got you this.
And the pot goes perfectly
with your Ikea end table.
Oh my god.
Our celebrity couple name
would be Waynegelo.
And then, when we're married and we hyphenate
our last names, yours can go first, but I just...
- I... I...
- Uh, yeah, I'm going to go.
I didn't know this
was a double date.
Oh, these are my parents.
I've already told them
so much about you.
Where are you going?
Dude, you've suffocated more
people than the Boston Strangler.
It's called being
a hopeless romantic.
It's called needing
a restraining order.
It's why you're single, Wade.
All right, whatever.
It doesn't matter, okay? I'm done.
No more men for this guy.
I've had my heart broken
one too many times.
Oh, you say that now.
But guaranteed, you'll fall in
love with the next guy you meet.
I will take that bet.
Who keeps money under their
towel in a steam room?
Dude, have you ever
seen our web series?
There's gotta be more to life than
just playing the pelvic polka.
No more talking about poon,
peen, or hook-up highjinks.
- All right.
- I'm down.
- Okay, so no sex talk.
- Nope.
All right, it's decided then.
We're going to have to find something
else to talk about other than sex.
You got it. Let's go.
Do you guys hear
crickets chirping?
Ignore that.
That's just a metaphor
to denote awkward silence.
Well? Is it the place?
I think so.
Ponce de Leon, old mission.
It makes sense. It's the perfect
place to hide an ancient aquifer.
"I think so" isn't
going to cut it.
I just spent my entire
fortune on that map.
My cosmetic empire is
counting on you being right.
I want a coffee and that sample
on my desk within the hour.
Do you have any idea the amount of havoc a
jungle expedition can wreak on a pedicure?
This is the worst
internship ever.
Just keep filing.
Can I help you, son?
Hello, sir.
I would like to work out today.
No need to call me "sir."
Everyone calls me
Old Man Johnson.
I'm not really comfortable
calling you that.
Well, my name's
Harry, if that helps.
Harry Johnson,
that's much better.
That'll be $5 for the day.
Oh, goody.
I'm going to put this
towards my retirement.
Wow, really?
Go work out, son.
Come on, breathe.
That's not breathing.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm using that, man.
What are you doing?
Here you go. Breathe.
Dudes, check it.
My toes are so wrinkled
they look like raisins.
Bro, my hands are so wrinkled,
they're like elephant skin.
My balls are so wrinkled,
they look like... balls.
It's an analogy.
It's really not.
We agreed not to talk about sexual stuff.
Remember that?
We tried, guys.
We did.
- We did try.
- Good effort.
Same time tomorrow... steam room?
- You know it.
- Yeah.
Good steam bros.
- It's an analogy.
- No, it's not.
- It's a metaphor.
- It's more like a simile.
I'm honestly really surprised you
even know what an analogy is.
- You compare the two things.
- Yes.
What do you think?
Aren't you putting the
cart before the horse?
Success is achieved when
preparation meets opportunity.
Your sample from the Steam Room.
Put it right here.
I'm going to have the lab
come and pick it up.
Now I'm going to need you to
dig up some dirt on that gym.
Once this sample checks out,
I'm going to buy that place for cheap.
Everybody's got a secret.
I want to know what theirs is.
What if there is no dirt?
Oh, trust me, honey.
There's always dirt.
That's all.
What's the first rule
of the Steam Room?
The first rule of the Steam Room is
don't talk about the Steam Room.
No birthdays.
We got you a gift.
You shouldn't have... waited
so long to give it to me.
Hand it over.
Open it.
New shorts.
These might even
cover your nuts.
How am I supposed to find something on the
gym if I don't even know what to look for?
Wait a second.
Hello, gorgeous.
Nice digs.
These are great.
Thanks, guys.
Think I'm going to need to
have them shortened a bit.
So much for tucking
the testes, huh?
Harry Johnson?
You know it.
You have been served.
Failure to pay back taxes.
Lack of compliance will cause us to
foreclose on this establishment.
You have two weeks to come up with $25,000,
or we're closing this gym.
Sign here.
34 years ago, you had
a bad year, skipped a payment.
Taxes and penalties.
Uncle Sam doesn't
like deadbeats.
Have a nice day.
Uh... what was that?
It was 1985.
The band was Bananarama.
I was their number one groupie.
I followed them
all over the world.
In my travels, I guess
I forgot to pay my taxes.
It was a cruel, cruel summer.
There's got to be something
we can do, brochachos.
This place has been
in the family forever,
handed down from father
to son for generations.
My pops got it from his dad,
Craven Harry Johnson.
And he got it from his father,
Seymour Harry Johnson.
I don't see the resemblance.
There's got to be
something we can do.
Why don't we just steam?
That usually gets us thinking.
Yeah. Let's steam it up.
And just think of something.
We'll get through this.
Sorry, man.
We can't let Old Man
Johnson lose this place.
If it's gone, what
will happen to us?
Pardon me.
I couldn't help but overhear
your guys' conversation.
Are you saying that the Steam
Room is going to close?
Yeah, that's what you heard unless we
can think of some way to save the place.
Any ideas?
I mean, there's no
fighting the IRS, so...
So, no.
Boys, something?
What we need is a good,
old-fashioned towel snap-a-thon.
How's that going
to save the gym?
Good question, Tad.
See, nothing is better for thinking
than getting the blood pumping.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- You're right.
- Stop! Seriously, please stop.
Nothing says welcome better than being whipped
in the ass with some wet cotton fabric.
Please, please... Please stop.
Stop? That sounds like
you're saying keep going.
All right, guys.
Guys. Guys. All right.
I'm Wade.
Ow! Who did that?
Wait! Guys, I got it.
How much money
does everyone have?
I got about...
24 dollars.
Wait, that's it. We'll raise enough
money to save the Steam Room.
Where did you pull
that money out of?
Yeah, you're not even
wearing a towel.
Where did the coins come from?
- Coin drops.
- Gross.
Neil, maybe you can
take my number.
What? He can help us
save the Steam Room.
You want me to hang
out with you guys?
Yeah, man. I mean,
the more bros we got, the better it is.
Got him!
They're doing what?
I wouldn't worry about it.
Those guys are so clueless,
you could lock them in a mattress store,
and they would still
sleep on the floor.
They want to save that Steam Room,
and you're going to help them.
I am?
I want you to join their little group
and report everything back to me.
Spy on them?
I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable
with doing that.
Oh, Neil, you've been in the
beauty industry for five years?
And you're familiar
with muscle relaxants?
Mhm. Yeah.
Just 45 milliliters of pure Botox
injected directly into your sperm worm,
and the only thing you'll find
hard is an algebra equation.
Sally, please be reasonable.
Can I count on you, Neil?
Good boy.
Now, go do what
I asked you to do.
What are you doing?
We are mapping out
our plan, Wade.
I mean, how else can you
visually represent our intention
without one of these really
cool string maps?
And now, the police can see how the plan
all came together at the end of the movie.
What police?
Ooh, I like where this is going.
All right, so we're going to use
acid to disintegrate the bodies
and pumice stone
to grind up the teeth.
N-no one's using acid
or pumice stones.
Cement shoes.
But it is a mess.
Yeah, I'm talking wet concrete.
But hey, it's your place, Wade.
Hope you're rentin' it.
I'll be right back.
You do that.
Oh, hi.
Oh, how sweet are you?
Quick, come on inside.
We're just in the next room.
So you remember all the guys?
We got Beau, Tad, Ryan, Balton.
- What's up?
- Everyone, Neil.
Hey, what's up, Neil?
- Respect, man.
- No, no. His name is Neil.
Just... just
stand up. Stand up.
I'm glad you're here, Neil.
We're about to make a pact,
right here, right now,
one that we're going
to take to our graves.
No, we weren't.
It looks like you guys
are making a plan?
Yes, we are.
And I think we have
figured it out.
You guys want to raise $25,000
by selling cookies?
I mean, I think a bake
sale is a great idea.
Oh, well, if you like it,
I'd say, let's do it.
- I love it!
- Heck, yeah! Heck, yeah!
I want oatmeal cookies.
We need some tunes, brochachos.
Today is gonna be
A little something more
I've got a plan in mind
A special thing in store
The light bulb inside my head
Says get up and play
I got the Crisco.
Aren't... aren't you supposed
to use butter for cookies?
Oh right, this isn't
for the cookies.
It's my lucky day
It's my lucky day-ay-ay-ay
My lucky day
Don't need a pot of gold
A rabbit's foot or to be told
It's my lucky day
It's my lucky day
Ooh, ooh!
- Ooh, nice.
- Mm...
Ow! Ow! Ow!
- Ah! Ah!
- Why are you handing it to me?!
Why did you do that?!
Put it down! Put it down! Jeez!
- I knew I should have got everyone oven mitts.
- That was hot, bros!
Why would you hand it to me?
Talk to me about
your supply chain.
Are these locally sourced?
And are any of these vegan or gluten-free?
Oh, I'll take this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The cacao beans were harvested by
virgins listening to harp music.
And the flour? Well, the flour was
grown in the fields of Brigadoon,
which only appears
every 100 years or so.
So you can imagine how
difficult that was to get.
And the eggs? Well, the eggs,
the eggs are donated from chickens
that get acupuncture
treatments from yogis.
Really? Virgins? That's amazing.
Look, I'll give you
$5 for 10 cookies.
How about you pay what the sign
says there, Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Tried to pull a fast one, huh?
Thanks, man.
Hey, appreciate you.
Tell your friends.
Tag us. Follow us and all that.
Hey, boys, shouldn't we
be selling these for more?
Uh, virgins?
There ain't no damn virgins.
Wait, who's a virgin, bro?
I just want one so bad.
Look at them.
They're mocking me.
I got a gallon of milk, bro.
It's organic as shit.
Eat me.
I dare you.
Oh, on second thought,
you're not worthy of my rich chocolate chips
and my incredible
chewy center.
Fuck you, cookie.
Yeah, I'm your master.
It's okay.
It's just a cookie.
No, he's a little
confectionery bastard.
Eat me, fucker.
- Oh, you little shit!
- Whoa, whoa, dude.
No, come on.
It's all sugar and carbs.
Think of your shredded abs.
- Think about the 5% body fat.
- Yeah.
It's just... it's fine. It's- it's just a little
nibble, okay? I did my CrossFit for today.
I could just crush
those carbs, man.
I don't know, bros,
it's a slippery slope.
I remember the great
Lay's incident of 2014.
I remember that too.
I had two chicks bobbing
upside down on me.
One chick, she actually tried
to stick a zucchini where...
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Not that Lay's incident,
the other Lay's incident.
I'll remind you.
Everyone thoughtfully
look up to your left.
Your other left, Balton.
Oh my god.
- Do it.
- Wait, what?
- Oh my god.
- Good or bad?
Bad or good?
That good?
Let me get one!
That good?
- Hey!
- Let me get one, bro!
What are you doing? What are
you doing? What are you doing?
Didn't you learn anything
from that flashback?
Dude, no.
Come on, guys.
One little cookie
never hurt anyone.
Mhm, chocolate chip.
Did you see that?
Neil ate a goddamn carb.
- Dude. Oh, what, what...
- Oh! Oh!
God, that's so delicious.
Oh. Oh.
Oh my god, it is.
Where's the milk?
I got a chocolate chip chubby.
- Oh.
- That's sugar.
That's real sugar.
Oh my god, it's like
sex in my mouth.
Oh my god!
What kind of devil are you?
There you are.
What's the latest?
The guys had a cookie
sale on Saturday.
A cookie sale?
Yeah, it went so badly that
they're now in the hole $30.
Oh my god, you had to see it.
They were... there
was a flour fight.
Their shirts came off.
There was licking of spoons.
Actually, the cookies
were pretty darn good.
But in the end, they started
eating all of their product.
So, it was hilarious.
Why are you here?
In your office?
In my employ?
Because you pay
me $4.96 an hour?
You're here because
you're my personal assistant.
And as such, your allegiance
belongs to me and this company.
Those Steam Room boys
are not your friends.
And you're not theirs.
Have you've forgotten
how cruel kids can be,
pizza face?
Pizza face, pizza face, pizza
face, pizza, pizza, pizza face!
This is our territory,
pizza face.
No one wants your poop-corn
or crappy trail mix.
It's all about the Do-si-dos,
He's not a Boy Scout, he's a Boil Scout!
Hey, look, his face has so much oil on it,
- you can make French fries with it.
- Let's give him a wedgie.
Cross our troop again, and
we'll Tagalong your ugly ass.
Come on.
Two against one.
Not very nice.
- Stop.
- Are you going to cry?
- little pizza?
- Mean. Not nice.
Oh my god.
You, unfortunate-looking
creature, let me take a look.
Oh my.
Don't worry, I can help.
Oh okay.
I'm Sally Fay, of the Sally
Fay Cosmetic empire.
And you shall be
my new project.
Come, we'll have a cookie.
Love these.
Friends of yours?
Kind of.
What's your name?
Hello, Neil.
This is my house.
Wow, it's really nice.
Never forget.
It was beauty that
killed the beast.
Now, I need you to go out there
and get me that Steam Room.
Do this for us, Neil.
Guys, why the sad faces?
We didn't make any money
off the bake sale.
In fact, we're worse off
than we were before.
Well, hey, I sold $20
worth of cookies.
Yeah, and I got a little
tonsil tango on the side.
That's just because you gave those cheerleaders
a kiss for every cookie they bought.
I really wish they were
female cheerleaders.
But I will admit, they
had some soft lips.
And they used just the
right amount of tongue.
Ooh, that's sexy.
Oh, it was.
No, wait.
That's it.
Sex, S-E-X.
Beau, if you think I'm just going
to become a male prostitute, man,
you got another thing coming.
Unless there's good
money in it, though.
I'll sell some ass.
I'll be out there, man.
You won't tell my
mom, though, right?
Oh, I don't... I don't
know your mom.
No, but Beau is onto something.
If we want to make money,
we're going to have to do it the
old-fashioned way, and sex sells.
That's why I don't even leave the
house without, you know... thank you.
Is that a binky?
All right.
Wait, are you judging me, bro?
Uh... okay, well,
what's the plan?
We could open a kissing booth.
That's actually perfect, Wade.
Yes. More like that.
I do chores at the nursing
home for extra cash.
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, one guy gives me
$100 for a sponge bath.
Some guy gives you $100
to give him a sponge bath?
No, he gives me the sponge bath.
- Oh.
- Okay.
Okay, well, that's going in
the maybe column, yeah.
You guys, you feel that?
You feel that moneymaking
montage coming on?
- Yeah!
- All right!
Cue the motivational
Katy Perry music.
- Baby you don't...
- Do not sing that!
We cannot afford
that kind of licensing.
We'll just use some stock music.
Let's do this bros.
Stock music montage.
- All right!
- Whoa!
Car wash! Let's go!
- Don't be weird!
- Watch us wash you!
Oh, yeah.
- Hi.
- How much is a car wash?
That's $20.
Ooh, I've got that.
Yeah you do, right there.
Nice. Where's your car, though?
You're it.
If you play your cards right,
I'll polish your tailpipe.
Here we go.
Oh, you're just going for it.
Oh, I'm going to scrub you.
Oh, I'm going to get your leg.
Let me get your legs.
Ooh, they're so long
and handsome.
Hey, that'll be $20.
Appreciate it. Tell your
boyfriend or girlfriend.
- No judgment.
- Okay.
Okay. Bye now.
Oh, a tip? Thank you so much.
I was actually hoping
for change.
You know what? You
can write it off your taxes.
It's awesome.
Thank you. Appreciate
it. Bye-bye now.
Guys, we made almost $15,000.
Like, seriously. Oh, $15,000.
- Dude.
- These bad boys.
No, no, Ryan.
Hey, let's put the money
right here in his bag.
Give me the bag.
Put it in.
He's not here, Wade.
Didn't you notice how weird Wade was
being during that moneymaking montage?
Wade's always weird.
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
But he was being like, extra weird.
Like, Wade is for sure
crushing on Neil.
I'm right here, okay? And I'm not crushing
on Neil, okay? I've sworn off men.
Dude, Neil is smart, handsome.
He's really helpful. I mean, he taught
me the perfect way to do my laundry.
My whites are whiter.
My colors are brighter.
And my shirts?
They're perfectly pressed.
I think you used
too much starch.
I was referring to my shirts.
That's my happy sock.
- Oh!
- Aw, Jesus.
You sniffed it.
Wade, you just got to
own up to it, you know?
Like, face it, you
are falling for Neil.
No, I'm not.
You know that old maple
up on Norton Lane?
I love that tree.
The orphan children, they play in its
shade when the blossoms are in full bloom.
And it's been watching over
the community for generations.
Yeah, yeah, that one.
This looks oddly familiar,
wouldn't you say, Wade? I mean,
is that your handwriting?
I-I can't make it out.
You cut down the tree?
Well, yes, of course.
I mean, this is for you.
I did this for you, Wade.
You need to get a grip
on your reality.
Look at this!
You could have
just taken a photo.
What shade will the orphan
children play in now?
W... w... we'll buy them a tarp.
All right, fine, okay?
I'm falling for Neil.
- Aha!
- But... but...
I don't want to be!
I knew it.
I don't want to lose my heart to another
guy that's just going to break it, okay?
Well, I don't want to
lose the Steam Room.
So we need to focus, guys.
Look, look, look, look, look, he's right,
okay? We still got to come up with $10,000
more to pay this tax man.
Yeah, well, we got to come
up with something.
None of us are leaving this room until we come
up with a way of getting that money, okay?
- So, let's just think.
- All right, cool.
What are we doing here?
I do my best thinking at a bar.
You mean, a gay bar?
This is a gay bar?
Hmm, I didn't notice.
Well, hey, man,
I ain't complaining.
You know, I haven't had to pay
for a drink since we got here.
Cheers, boys.
Ha ha!
I love you.
What about a contest?
What about one?
Where are we going
to find a contest, Wade?
I don't know.
I'm just bro-storming.
Look guys, there's gotta be something that
we can do with a cash prize of $5,000.
Yeah, but what?
I don't know.
I'm coming up empty.
Yep, and I'm coming up full.
Gotta go drain the main vein,
you know what I mean?
I mean I gotta take a piss.
You got no abs, bro.
Look, look, look, look, look!
Look, bros, I got it.
I got it.
- It's a wet undies contest.
- Wet underwear?
Oh, I'm looking.
Cash prize, $5,000?
Yo, we got this, guys.
Let's roll out, bros.
All right, let's do it.
Yeah, brosefs.
Five grand.
Yoo-hoo, Neil?
Where have you been?
I was getting your coffee.
When can I take control
of that Steam Room?
I'm working on it.
I can see that you have been.
Just look what I found
in your desk.
Please tell me those boys aren't
going to raise enough money
to save their precious
Steam Room?
I have it under control.
I sent in a boy
to do a woman's job.
They're not going to win.
I can't risk it.
I need a ringer.
Willie Mammoth. He's done
some work for me in the past.
Find him.
Pay him whatever it takes.
Win that contest.
Do not fail me.
Oh, and tell him to call me.
My chimney needs sweeping.
If anyone needs me, I'll be meeting
with those dimwits of the board.
It's time for me to take
back my company.
I called this meeting because I'm
planning something big, fresh, young.
Well, we're happy
to hear that, Sally.
Because the board of directors
has unanimously agreed
that maybe it's time to change
the image of Sally Fay cosmetics.
Give it a makeover, if you will.
Makeover? Yes.
Gentlemen, I couldn't
agree with you more.
Your timing is perfect.
I've been working on...
That means there's no longer
any place for you here.
Hold it, what?
You want to fire Sally Fay
from Sally Fay Cosmetics?
Sales have been down
for years now.
And as a beauty company,
we're no longer relevant.
You're no longer relevant.
The world wants
young and attractive.
And experienced women such as yourself just
doesn't cut it on a billboard anymore.
Sorry, Sally.
This is still my company.
And I am this close to a breakthrough that
will change the cosmetic industry forever,
and put Sally Fay back
on top where she belongs.
I will unveil my new discovery
this Friday, here at noon.
And if you want it, it's going
to cost you each one share.
This Friday, here, noon.
You've got 30 seconds to reply.
Tic toc.
Now it's 29.
I'll be out in my car.
Text me your reply.
Make it snappy.
Mumble, mumble, mumble.
Mumble, mumble, mumble.
Mumble, mumble, mumble.
Mumble, mumble, mumble.
Mumble, mumble, mumble.
Okay, boys, ready
to get started?
Hey, man, don't you think this is a bit much?
I mean, it's just a wet underwear contest.
Filling out a dong sarong ain't enough, okay?
It's all about stage presence, showmanship.
That's why I brought in a real pro to
help us get ready for this contest.
Wait a minute.
What is she going to do?
Meet my niece, Susie.
Head of her cheer squad and
one kick-ass choreographer.
Susie, dear, do you mind
showing the boys a few moves?
You pencil pricks look like rejects
from an Olivia Newton-John music video.
If you're serious about winning,
you better man up and listen good.
For the next hour, you're my
little man bitches, capiche?!
Uh, okay.
Oh, smiling chocolate pudding.
It's a pile of shit.
I already told you 15 times!
It's spin! Grab! Twist!
Thrust! Pop! And bang!
Have any of you guys
ever gotten laid before?
Ever see a girl with a sweet, tight,
butt that you just have to have?
Oh, yeah.
Now squeeze it! Grab it!
And thrust as if your life depends on it!
Gay guys, same ass,
just imagine it's hairy!
So, do you think we actually
have a shot at winning?
Fuck no.
Got to bounce, uncle,
babysitting gig.
- Okay.
- If you pussies want a shot at winning,
you better keep going
till you don't suck so much!
Um, that's actually mine, but...
Oh, you want it? Come get it.
I dare you.
No, no. No, I'm good.
I'll see you at Thanksgiving.
Good call.
All right.
Now, where were we?
Banging and thrusting, right?
Tad, come on, more banging!
All right, now, where's the swizzle?
All right, let me see that.
And thrusting!
Dude. Dude.
- What?
- That's weird.
So, you and the guys
seem really close.
Yeah. We're all bros.
Is there anyone
special in your life?
Well, I just got out of a long-term
relationship, and it still kinda hurts, you know?
I'm sorry.
How long did it last?
Six hours.
I have to be honest,
you're quite the cook.
I can't remember the last time that
I had a homemade meal like this.
I'm just glad you liked it.
I can't believe you ate
that whole sausage.
It was delicious.
- But without chewing?
- Oh, trick jaw.
So, my dad says
I get it from my mom.
I've won first place in every hot dog
eating contest that I've ever joined,
and I can actually fit three weiners
in my mouth at the same time.
- Oh... oh, oh.
- Whoa.
I am... I'm so sorry.
Man, Susie kicked
our butts today, bro.
Yeah, man.
This feels so good.
How about our boy, Wade, though?
He's got that date with Neil tonight.
Man, he is such a bromantic.
I bet you he's pulling out all the stops,
like, getting the candles going,
with the smooth music
and some wine.
Wait a second, bro.
This was really nice.
I have to say, I really
like you... the guys.
Well, uh, I... the guys,
really like you too.
You know, the Steam Room
guys don't just let anybody in.
You have to be someone special.
We're like family.
Do... do you not have
any family, Neil?
Well, my boss is like my family.
And to be honest,
she's like my only friend.
Well, now you have us.
And that's what being
a bro is all about, bro.
- I should probably go.
- Uh...
We haven't even had dessert yet.
I should watch my calories.
I have this can of whipped
cream right here.
I don't know.
What about something
long, hard, eight inches?
I can't.
You can.
You like celery, right?
Come on, take a bite.
Someone got laid last night.
What gave it away? Was
it my relaxed demeanor?
My glowing complexion?
My wry smile?
Or the pillow for
you sore behind?
Well, I'm not one to kiss and tell, but we
did go through an entire can of whipped cream
before dessert.
- Right?
- Wow.
Okay, wow, impressive.
But guys, we can't just sit
and gab and steam all day.
We've got to prepare
for tonight.
Big night ahead of us.
It's just a wet
underwear contest, bro.
Okay, you just get down to your
little whitey-tighties you got there,
and you shake what
your mama gave ya.
That's it.
I do it every night in front of
my apartment window, all right?
What? How do you pay your rent?
I'm not touching that one.
You do you, bro.
- What are you looking at?
- This... it just doesn't make sense.
You're right. It doesn't
make sense.
Is Justin Bieber here?
Oh my god! I'm such a huge fan!
I mean, my daughter
would love his autograph.
I'm uh, Dustin Cleaver?
I want my test results.
I can have them
for you by 5 o'clock.
I explicitly told Neil I needed
till the end of day on Friday.
Take a good look.
This is my
don't-fuck-with-me-fella face.
I want those results now.
Uh... I-I did already run a pH and
chemical compound test on the sample.
It has the compound structure of two
parts hydrogen and one part oxygen.
It's perfect pH balance and
rich in natural ground minerals.
We'll patent the combination,
hydrogen and oxygen.
But what to name this
miraculous compound?
Something short, simple,
clean, refreshing.
How about water?
Excuse me?
Two parts hydrogen and one
part oxygen. It's... it's water.
Give me that.
I'm sorry, Sally.
It's Sally Fay.
Just like it says
on your checks.
Or at least, used to.
You're fired.
Here's a pro tip for you.
When the boss doesn't know that two parts
hydrogen, one part oxygen is water,
you don't tell her.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to West
Hollywood's Annual Wet Undies Contest.
Make some noise.
I'm your hostess,
Billy Francesca, tonight.
Now, listen, we are giving away $5,000
to the biggest wiener... I mean, winner.
That's a lot of money.
Warm it up, kids, or I'm
going to keep it for myself.
All right!
Warm it up, guys.
There you go, Balton.
Yes, that looks good.
Boys, you know I'll do anything
for the Steam Room.
I think I see the line.
It's just before that stage,
and I'm definitely
not ready to cross it.
Just relax, bro.
It's going to be fine.
Just imagine they're
all muscular women
with short hair and penises.
Well, I could do that.
Shit's about to get weird.
The rules are simple, kids.
Make the audience
happy and win $5,000!
And take me home!
No, thanks.
Oh, nobody wants that.
All right, play some funky music, white boy!
Oh, sorry.
It's just water.
What were you thinking, giving
your fortune away for a map?
They're going to kick you
out of your own company.
No more empire.
No money, no Botox.
No Willie Mammoth, nothing.
All for the fountain of youth.
The fountain of youth my ass,
my old,
somewhat saggy ass.
I want my mommy.
Bro, you're the last one.
You're our only hope.
Own it, bro.
Own it?
Dude, what if I get excited? I'm going to pop
out of these little baby nut huggers, man.
Think about Old Man Johnson.
Yeah, that'll do it.
All right.
- Yeah! Come on!
- Go bro!
Come on, bro. Come on!
We are bringing someone in to
try and dethrone our reigning champion.
All the way from the Midwest,
where they grow them big, thick, and juicy,
make some noise for Balton!
Screw your water.
Come here, blondie.
Thank you, Francesca.
Mm, wow.
Ooh, yeah.
All right!
Now, that's a dirty martini.
- Yeah.
- Unless there's no one else,
I think we have a brand
new winner for $5,000!
- Yes!
- Yes, Balton!
I really did it!
Whoa, what's going on?
Is that...
Oh my god, that's
Willie Mammoth.
Oh my god, I loved him
in Goodwill Humping.
Well, it looks like we have an
upset from out of nowhere.
Thank you, Balton.
Thanks for coming.
Who doesn't love a Mammoth
Willie? I'm double-jointed.
You did good.
Good try, man.
Looks like it's over.
There's no way we can save
the Steam Room now.
I'm so sorry.
It's not your fault.
We let everyone down, man.
We're done for, bros.
It's not over yet, boys.
Where are you going?
- Hey!
- Bro!
Make some noise,
kids. We have a winner.
I'm so proud of you.
That's amazing.
Hi, little boy. Can I help you?
Yeah, I just wanted
you to take this...
- No... no.
- I just want to say one thing.
Before you go running off
and cashing that bad boy, um,
I-I-I... I'd just like to call
everyone's attention
to this.
Oh! Oh my! Oh!
All righty, then.
Well, thanks so much.
I'll take this right
out of your hands.
Hi. How are you?
- Now we have our big winner of the day.
- No way!
- $5,000!
- I won?
You won!
We won! We won!
That's what I'm talking
about! That's it!
Cover it up, cover it up.
What are you doing
this weekend?
Palm Springs?
- You can't handle it.
- I could try.
I go to yoga.
Oh my god.
Well, thanks so much
for coming, everyone.
That's how you do a wet
undies contest here for $5,000.
Make some noise.
Big dick! Big
dick! Big dick!
My money?
But you lost.
Fine, but my boss is not
going to be happy about this.
Not my problem.
Here, I'll send it to you now.
What up, Wade?
Just thinking about
Willie Mammoth.
Me too.
What up?
What up, boy?
Yo, what's happening?
Wassup, man?
What's up?
Sup, man?
Hey, dude, we made
a splash last night.
Then this dude, Beau here,
with that big old schlong.
Where you been hiding
that at, bro?
Does it go by your name, or
does it have a name of its own?
Actually, yeah,
it has its own name.
- Mm.
- Buster.
Buster Hymen.
Get it?
Just because of the...
Buster Hymen?
- Yeah?
- Wade?
What's up, man?
What's up?
I'm just a bit bummed.
I saw Willie Mammoth and Neil exchanging
numbers after the competition.
Exchange... you know what?
Maybe it wasn't even all that.
I mean, maybe he just wanted to go up to
him and get his autograph, like I did.
Bro, that says, turn off the TV.
Oh, that's the wrong cheek.
That's from my boo snack.
You know, we go to sleep at night,
he leaves the TV on and stuff.
Power bill be all high.
Wade, yo, if you can't trust Neil, how do you
expect to have a real relationship with him?
Just talk to him, bro.
That's what I do
with my girlfriend.
You do not have a girlfriend.
I know.
I just like to pretend like I have
someone waiting for me at home.
The nights get so lonely.
That's sad.
Hey, would you look at the time?
We should... let's go check on the time.
Yeah. I want to hit a set
of legs in before lunch.
You know what? I think I...
I left the toaster running.
I'm going to go
take care of that.
Oh! I just remembered, uh,
my mom's in town from uh, Poland Springs.
So I got to get her
from the airport.
What's up with the guys
and those lame excuses?
I mean really, am I supposed to believe
that Balton works out his legs?
I... I'm gonna to go too.
Did I do something wrong?
Because if something's bothering you,
you can just tell me.
I saw you and Willie
Mammoth flirting last night.
I mean, is there something
going on between you two?
I see. I'm just going to go.
No, no, just... just wait.
Just sit.
There's something
that you need to know.
My boss is Sally Fay
of Sally Fay Cosmetics.
Really? The Sally Fay?
- Yes.
- For real?
I remember using her makeup to cover
up my acne when I was growing up.
They called me four
eyes and pizza face.
Kids can be so cruel.
By my parents.
Sally cleared up my skin, and she made
me feel really good about myself.
And because of her,
I dedicated my life to beauty.
And I was determined to be
just like her when I grew up.
I wanted to be Michelangelo
when I grew up.
Master painter,
sculptor, architect?
Ninja Turtle.
Sally made me hire Willie Mammoth so that you
would lose the contest and the Steam Room.
So, you weren't
helping us at all?
What did you want
with our Steam Room?
I... I can't say.
I thought you were this awesome guy.
I really liked you.
But instead, I find out you're
some double-crossing creep?
You don't understand.
What? That you spied, lied, and then sold us
out to your boss? Nah, I pretty much got it.
Unless, of course, there's
something I missed.
That's what I thought.
God, you men are all alike.
You missed a spot.
The... no, no, no, no, no.
Miss, you can't be back here.
It's me.
I'm Sally Fay.
- What?
- I drank the water.
The fountain is real.
I'm gorgeous.
Well, more gorgeous.
I must have that steam
room at all costs.
Sally, we lost the contest.
How the hell did that happen?
We had big Willie.
Yeah, but Beau's
willy was bigger.
And now the guys are $5,000
away from raising the money.
Well, that can't happen.
You, go to the Steam Room.
Get me some of that water.
I also need a dying plant,
something to rejuvenate.
Bring them both to me
tomorrow at 11:00 AM sharp.
Now, tell me everything you know about
these guys and where I can find them.
What are you going to do?
It's time for me to take
matters to my own hands.
My beautiful,
supple, young hands.
What's up, bros?
What's up, bro?
Sup, dude?
- What's up, man?
- Can I get you a cocktail?
No, thanks.
You did the 12 steps, huh?
No, I walked up
the handicap ramp.
So, crazy about Neil, right?
Wade's a total mess, bros.
Neil's no bro, bro.
If I know Wade, he's probably on his third sappy
rom-com by now, wrist deep in cheesy bread.
Yeah, hi... I'd like to place an
order for pizza delivery, please.
Can you tell me about the John Travolta?
Does it come with cheese?
Oh, it's all cheese?
What about the Nick Cage?
I don't really want
that much ham.
How about... can you tell
me about the De Niro pizza?
Wait, wait, hello? You...
are you talking to me?
Are you talking to me?
Who you talking to?
You talking to me?
Oh, you're not talking to me.
You know what? Yeah, sorry.
The De Niro pizza's fine.
That's fine. Yeah.
Okay. Thank you.
If you'll be there for me
I can't believe Sally Fay
Cosmetics wants our Steam Room.
Yeah, that ain't going
to happen, bro.
Obviously not, bros.
Don't sweat it, guys.
Sally Fay is no match
for our brains.
And brawns.
- Yeah.
- My brawn's bigger.
Now you're lying.
What were you saying
about Sally Fay?
Hi there.
Tres beau, I'd say.
A linguist.
Well, I'm a cunnilinguist.
As you were saying?
Oh. Uh.
Well, apparently, the old bag
wants our Steam Room.
Yeah, and we almost lost the contest
and five big ones because of her.
Yeah, Sally Fay can try.
But there's no way
she's getting our gym.
Hmm, is that so?
I've got a bag full
of cash at my apartment.
And we're just a few grand away from $25,000.
one more of my clever ideas,
and boom, bye-bye tax bill.
Well, I say we should celebrate
you boys saving the Steam Room.
Two whiskies, straight up.
I like a man with
a stiff one in his hand.
Both hands, then.
Clearly Beau's
got his hands full.
We got a Steam Room
to save, fellas.
Let's go.
Later, bro.
Oh, okay.
- Later, bro.
- Later, guys.
Bottoms up.
Yours, mine,
whatever you're into.
Keep 'em coming.
You know, you don't have to get me
drunk to have your way with me.
Then what are we
still doing here?
I like that aggressiveness.
But before we get to my place, you should probably
know that I have a little bit of a fetish.
All right.
What is it?
I like to be treated
like I'm a dog.
Perfect. That's how
I treat everyone.
If you'll be here for me
That's the first song
I've ever written for a boy.
I hope you liked it.
Cowabunga, dude.
Can't get to the phone right
now, but leave a message.
What did you think
was going to happen?
I didn't expect this.
Cameron is your roommate.
He is not your friend.
I think you're
confusing the two.
He's a gay man.
We have a code
of ethics, you know.
Oh, you do? Since when?
I guess you're right.
Maybe we don't.
But you know...
Uh, yeah. Do you mind if we...
- Sure.
- Try the thing?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay, be a good boy.
Come here.
Who's a good boy?
- I am.
- Are you a good boy?
- Me, me!
- Are you a good boy?
Rerry good! I'm so good!
- You are?
- Roar!
I guess big things do
come in small packages.
Thank you.
I needed that.
But business is business.
- Hey man, I don't know about that.
- We should try something else.
What else? Do you
have another suggestion?
Why you look different?
- He got laid.
- Oh, shit!
All right, all right,
yes, you caught me.
Yes. And guys, it...
it was amazing.
All right, guys, can we talk about how Beau
took the sausage subway to honey pot farm
some other time?
We're still $5,000 short
of saving the Steam Room.
Does anyone have any ideas how
to get the rest of the money?
Hell yeah. I do.
Yeah, I've been
waiting on this.
All right, so there's a bank on the
corner of 3rd Street and LaBrea.
Pass these out, boys.
Come on, come on.
Pass them out.
The guard takes a piss every
day from about 10:00 to 10:03.
Now, that's our window, Beau.
Um... yeah, how about
something, legal?
- Hell, no. Here.
- What?
I'm going to pass, buddy.
Goddamn it, dudes, weeks of casing the
joint for nothing. Are you serious?
All right, are there
any other bright ideas?
First, we need to create an image
of what we want in our mind's eye.
I brought this vision
board to help.
Is that Zac Efron?
That's the wrong
vision board, bro.
Oops, sorry.
I'll take that. Yeah, research.
All right, you know what?
Forget bank robbing.
Forget vision boards.
We've got to get all the guys
to come together on this.
That's it.
We'll get all the guys
to cum together on this.
We'll get all the Steam Room
guys to donate sperm.
I mean, at $100 a pop?
I mean, we'll be sure to get the money, okay?
If enough guys do it.
Yeah, and we can get a list of all the
steam room members from Old Man Johnson.
Yeah, yeah, that's perfect.
So, all we got to do
is pull those members.
But we only got five
hours left, guys.
Okay, it can be done.
Well, let's do this.
- All right.
- Let's go!
I promise, Danny, this is going to
be the last time I ask for your cum.
No, I understand.
Just tell your parole officer
this time it'll be legal.
Listen. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, but listen.
It's not a crime, just bring
your ass over, please? Come on.
Steven, I do not care
that you just got laid.
Bro, you got, like, three
in you at least. I know it.
Stop beating around
the bush, Nigel.
How much ejaculate do
you have in you right now?
Okay, that's
what I like to hear.
We'll see you down
there in 10 minutes.
- Let's go guys Let's go. Let's go.
- Move it! Come on!
Do you have the water and plant?
In the car.
First, the meeting with the board.
Then celebratory shopping.
Mama needs a brand new handbag.
Soon I will be the richest
woman in the world.
Give me the plant and water.
This isn't right, Sally.
I can't do this to the guys.
You mean those nitwits in the Steam Room?
I don't have time for this.
Just hear me out.
How about you make a deal with
Old Man Johnson to use the water,
and then we can save
the Steam Room?
You're fucking with me now.
They're good guys.
And they like me.
Please! They're not
your friends.
I'm your friend and your
boss, and your family.
Without me, you would
have no one.
And now you're making me late for the
most important meeting of my life!
Give me the damn
plant and water!
Not until you promise
to save the Steam Room.
It's a quarter till.
I'm already late.
Promise me, Sally.
Just give me the water,
and I'll see what I can do.
Really? Thank you.
Stay right here.
I'll be right back down.
Watch the money.
I'm not coming with you?
I'll talk to the board, then
you'll take me shopping.
Now, hurry up. You've
already made me late.
I know you don't know who I am.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm Sally Fay!
I know your mind's
blown right now.
You're thinking this gorgeous,
young creature can't be the experienced,
older gal we all know
and love as Sally Fay.
But I assure you,
I am who I say I am.
A quick demonstration will prove to
you that I am, indeed, Sally Fay.
Allow me.
I have discovered
the fountain of youth.
And I stand here
before you as living proof.
I can't believe what I'm seeing.
I'll add this miracle water to all balms,
moisturizers, beauty masks, and foundations.
Now, if you'll just sign
over your shares to me,
I'll take control of the
fountain where the water resides
and build my new factory
on top of the miracle spring.
You gave me a dud plant, Neil.
But you said...
I said to wait in the car.
What about the guys?
Sally Fay Cosmetics
is about winners, Neil.
Are you a winner?
You promised.
I've had it with you, Neil.
You failed to stop the guys.
You failed to give me
the correct plant.
And now, you're failing
at listening to me.
That's it. You're fired.
But Sally...
But what, Neil? Why
do you keep saying but...
What have you done?
What did you do?
My beautiful youth... wait.
It's the water.
It must just last for 24 hours.
Don't worry.
I'll be young again in a minute.
This is good.
Repeat customers, right?
Murmur, murmur, murmur.
Murmur, murmur, murmur.
Sally, the board and I
are in complete agreement.
And we've come to the conclusion
that you're goddamn cray-cray.
I swear, it works.
Send security to the
conference room.
Look, I'm telling you!
I found the fountain of youth.
This is a map.
I am living proof.
Tell them, Neil. Tell them.
Tell them what? That the fountain of
youth is in the Steam Room in Encino?
I mean, no.
Shh. Shut up, that's a secret.
May I, Sally?
- They're laughing at me.
- It's okay.
Prestigious board, Mr. Brenner,
can I say a few words?
Oh, I'm dying to hear this.
She's all yours.
You were right, Sally.
I was a loser.
But now it's my time to win.
Bye, Sally.
Oh! You're nothing without me!
Get your paws off me!
Come on.
- Bro, what's taking him so long?
- I don't know, okay?
God, dude.
Here we go. Here we go.
Yeah, finally.
Dude, you okay?
After last night and today,
I could barely cross the finish line.
Don't look at me.
I'm a disgrace to my family.
All right, well, that's
the last of them.
This is for you.
You know why.
Here you go.
- Keep it.
- All right, well,
if we're done inseminating
the entire Western Seaboard,
let's go pay the tax man
and save the Steam Room, okay?
- Yeah! Let's go!
- Let's do it.
- Let's do this, guys.
- All right.
Ah! Oh, God.
Let me...
Don't. Everything hurts.
Drop the keys.
All right, let's go! Spread your shit!
We're not messing around, Mr. Rogers!
Balton, take this off, man!
What are you doing?
Oh, that's right.
We nixed the heist plan.
That's my bad.
- Yeah.
- My bad.
Totally forgot.
What is this nonsense?
This isn't nonsense, sir.
This is $5,000 worth
of fresh sperm.
And this is $20,000
worth of cash.
Dude, where's the money?
I was robbed.
What the hell?
You ain't have no damn dog.
It must've been
that girl last night.
All that cash just gone?
No more Steam Room.
All, so you could
poke a pink Pop-Tart?
- It's...
- Hey, I don't blame you, man.
- I would have did the same thing.
- No.
Don't commend him.
We lost the Steam Room
because of him!
This place is officially
foreclosed on.
Well, boys, you tried.
You failed big time,
but hey, you tried.
I got a sore sausage
for nothing?
I bruised my bratwurst
for bupkis?
You made me slam
my salami for scratch?
Nobody nailed their
knobs for nothing!
Neil! What?
- Hey!
- Whoa, dude!
Here's the rest of your
money, 20 large.
Count it if you want.
Boys, looks like your
debt's been paid.
Well, boys, I knew
I could count on you.
And you, I'll show you the door.
- Oh! He's going to take you out back!
- Oh, yeah!
- That's the back door!
- Peace!
Where did you get that money,
man? Where did you get it?
Sally Fay was my boss.
She stole it from you so that she could
implement her evil plan to get the gym.
That was Sally Fay?
You didn't think that I would
ditch you guys and keep the money
to start my own billion-dollar
company, did you?
I didn't think so.
Bros don't do that,
and you're a bro.
We'll work on it.
- Let's steam, bros!
- Yeah!
All right, you know, I'm going to
skip out on the steam today, guys.
- Dude?
- Yeah.
No, it's okay.
It's all good, and I'll meet
up with you guys later.
I just... I just have some things
I need to take care of first.
Oh, and for the record, I definitely
would have opted to keep the money
- to start my own multi-billion-dollar company.
- Yeah, that makes sense.
You might need this.
Thanks, bro.
Hey, have a good steam.
You too, man.
Where's Wade?
He was just here.
Well, I guess it's
just the three amig-bros.
- I didn't mean to hurt you.
- You lied to me.
To all of us.
I was just doing my job.
And what I did was wrong.
And I really didn't want to lie to you.
Here, let me tell you the full truth,
and you're going to think I'm nuts.
But what the heck?
Here's a map
to the fountain of youth.
That's what Sally wanted,
and it's why she tried to get the Steam Room.
Anything else?
I really just wanted you to know
that I'm just a lonely, insecure,
Power Rangers nerd who just really wants
an awesome guy like you to like him.
Well, then I guess
it's morphin' time,
for both of us.
It certainly is.
I'll come clean with the guys and the
Steam Room being the fountain of youth.
Oh, it's... okay, you
can put that away.
Well, but...
The guys already know.
We've been coming here
together for a long, long time.
So, you ready to get
hot, sticky, and wet?
And then after, we can join
the guys in the steam room.
Hello, can I help you?
For me?
Do I know you?
It's me, Sally.
Who's a good boy?
Oh, now, that's
what I call a bone.
Dude, that was the longest episode
in Steam Room Story's history.
Bro, that wasn't an episode.
That was a movie!
Oh, that would explain why
no one's telling the audience
to subscribe to our YouTube
channel and buy our DVDs.
Buy our other films.
Dude, really?
Shameless, just shameless.
You know it.
Let's go
There you go, like that.
- Like that?
- Give me that.
You like that?
- Let's do that.
- That's all I got.
Let's do that.
Do we need
to cover you though?
No more talking about peen, poon,
booties, motor-boating, rim jobs.
Let's go back to one.
He went. He went.
How about you pay what the sign
says there, Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Bless you.
Thank you.
Okay, I got about $24.
That's it.
Crotch shot.
Ah, that's great.
All right.
I hope you are hungry
for some sausage.
And we cut.
All right, kids, the
rules are very simple.
What are they, actually?
Don't get hard in public? What are the rules?
No Willie Mammoth.
No Botox.
Who the fuck is it? Go away.
Hair flip.
- Are you having a good time?
- Whoo!
All right, kids, I have one more surprise
from you... all right? I fucking did it again.
Don't get angry at me, JC. We're not on
35-millimeter. I don't want to hear about it.
Sound speeds.
Okay, we're rolling
here, everybody.
Quiet, please.
62 alpha, take one.
Did you see that?
Oh my god.
My... hi.
Little boy, can I help you?
Did you forget what
bus you're taking?
But Sally...
But what, Neil? What?
It's you.
You're in the shower
Rockin' to these sexy tunes
We'll have fun
Whether you like peen or poon
Oh, I feel the burn.
Well, it looks like I'll be able to make
that Bananarama reunion tour after all.