Step Dogs (2013) Movie Script

You have T60 seconds to impact.
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4...
Come on!
3, 2, 1, 0.
We've cut.
Okay hey people that's a wrap for today.
Okay let's get that lighting
adjusted there.
Oh, thank you.
Does anybody know where
the craft services guys are?
Oh my god, you were amazing!
Gwyneth has nothing on you.
You are an amazing actor
when you're in space.
I can't believe you're
going to give all this up
for a retired stunt guy
who lives in Canada.
Okay, Terence, thank you.
But dude, don't worry okay.
You're gonna be fine, you're
going to find another job.
You're a... a... really,
really good assistant.
Yeah, hey it's me.
We all set?
But... are you eating something?
I told you not to eat when
you're on the phone with me.
Okay, stop.
Thank you.
No, of course she'll have it with her.
She takes it everywhere she goes.
Alright good, she'll be there in a week.
I'll see you soon.
Oh, and Louie,
bring some long johns with you.
Tomorrow's call time is 7am
so make sure you're on time.
I need a hand.
Whatcha reading Lace?
Did you know that the
temperature in Saskatchewan
at this time of year can get
as low as minus 40?
Minus 40.
Come on, how cold can it really be?
Really cold.
I'm okay, I'm good.
Meatball, wait up!
Meatball, come here.
Come here.
Come on, buddy.
Come on.
Hey Josh.
Permission to come aboard?
I know you're nervous about
Sabrina coming to live with us.
And look, no one can ever
replace your mother.
I miss her too, Josh.
Every day.
But we made a promise to her.
A promise we would live
our lives and we'd be happy.
It's been a long time since she passed.
And I know we'll be happy with Sabrina.
And I know your mom would have approved.
I want you to be happy too.
I like Sabrina.
I'm not worried about her.
I just don't want to be left
alone with Lacey.
Okay Lacey.
What's going on, hmm?
What's bothering you?
Well, Aunt Sabrina, it's one thing
for you to take time off of
your career to get married,
but it's completely unfair
for you to torpedo mine
before it even starts.
Is this about the reality show?
Of course it's about the reality show.
It could have been a hit.
Think of the endorsements!
I could have had my own fashion line.
Do you know how much Selena Gomez made
off her fashion line?
You're 15!
You should not be thinking
about this kind of stuff.
And the country is not going
to be good for Cassie.
She's an apartment/luxury
hoteldwelling dog.
The country is going to be
great for Cassie.
It's going to be amazing for you.
Hey Lace, you want to come
help me with the suitcases?
I already told you it's
freezing out there.
Hey you!
How are ya?
I missed you!
I missed you too, baby.
Hi Josh.
How are you?
I'm good.
Where is he?
Hey, come here.
Good boy!
She stepped in poop.
Did you see that?
Poop poop, you stepped in poop.
What are you laughing at?
That's not funny!
From where I'm standing
that's pretty funny!
These are expensive.
You stepped in poop!
You stepped in poop!
Oh, sorry.
Uh, hon.
We'll get it cleaned up,
it's not that bad.
Could it get any worse?
Haha, come on now.
Come on.
We're family now.
Ew, get him off of me.
Get in here.
Come on.
Bring it on in here.
Eww. Get him off of me!
Uh, there's something on you.
Get down, Meatball.
Come on, bud.
Get off her, you big.
Wow, it is cold out here.
Hey Josh, they got a cat!
They got a little itty bitty kitty cat.
It's so cold.
Look at you!
I'll be inside.
It's freezing out here.
Hey, where you going?
You're not allowed up in there.
Oh, don't worry everybody.
I'll go in there and get her..
It's not warm in here either.
Even these floors are cold.
Where's the carpet?
Get back here kitty cat.
I wanna go back to LA.
Hey kitty.
Start the car.
I wanna go back home.
Hey somebody help me out here.
We got a wild kitty on the loose.
No Jacuzzi, no steam room.
How do you live?
You looking for something kittylike?
Like a scratching post or
catnip or something?
I wanna go back to LA where it's warm.
I know a guy who knows a guy.
Maybe he can help you out.
Oh good, someone called the police.
Sheriff, get me out of here.
Hey Meatball.
Who's your new friend?
Watch out for this guy, kitty.
He don't like cats.
Morning, Rick.
Oh hey, Sheriff.
How you doing?
Good, thanks.
These came in for you.
Thought I'd save you the trip
coming down to sign for them.
Okay, great.
Alright thanks for swinging by.
No problem.
What's that for?
Oh we're cleaning out some boards
on the front of the property next month.
Josh, why don't you show Lacey
and Cassie their new room?
Hey, Sheriff.
You're here to meet Sabrina aren't you?
Hey Sabrina.
This is Sheriff Carson.
Hi Sheriff.
Howdy, Miss Eastman.
It's a real honour to meet you.
Aw, thanks!
You mind signing this for me?
No, of course not.
I'm a big fan of your movies.
Oh really?
Did you like Guns Blazing?
That's the movie I met Rick on.
I'm more a fan of The Weeping Heart.
Not a word!
Thank you.
See you folks later.
Okay, bye.
I'll stop in and check on
the kids while you're away.
Thank you.
You think they're going to be okay?
They'll be fine.
They're kids.
They'll get along.
So? Where is it?
Oh it's in my bag.
Come on, you want to show me
where the safe is?
Yeah yeah, let me just put
this in the shed.
Yes! Yes!!
Um, question.
Do you guys have running water?
Gosh, no!
We get the water from a well,
and the bathroom's in the outhouse
about half a mile yonder.
I'm kidding.
Of course we have running water.
And indoor bathrooms?
Yes, just like a regular house.
Are you gullible or what?
You don't mess around do you?
It is a North Star diamond.
Passed down to you from your Dad.
I know how important it is to you.
Thank you.
It's very sweet of you.
Yeah, he said as long as I kept it close
it would always bring me luck.
Well let's keep it safe.
Here it is.
I think Josh just showed Lacey her room.
Big news this week as
motion picture superstar
Sabrina Eastman announces
her extended break
from show business.
We caught up with Terrance Kits,
her long time personal assistant,
to find out more about her hiatus.
Just make sure I'm very tanned.
Do I look tanned?
Do I look tanned, guys?
Isn't it true that since she's
taken a break from movie work
that you're out of a job?
Uh... Unfortunately Terrance stormed out
after our first question.
We can only assume he wanted to
get to the unemployment office
before closing.
Oh good, Krystal's here.
Just in time.
Hi Krystal.
Hey everyone!
Hey thanks again for watching the kids.
No problem at all.
We're going to have a great
time, aren't we, Josh?
Yes, Miss Bentley.
Call you as soon as we get there, okay?
If something happens to you
guys, I'll see it on the news.
Could you just say one nice
thing to me before I leave?
I hope your honeymoon doesn't stink.
You'll be fine.
It's just a week.
A week is just the start.
She'll be here forever.
Run along, now.
You don't want to miss that plane.
He'll be fine.
Bye Josh.
See ya.
Bye Krystal.
Adios, Amigos!
Oh please.
Do you even speak Spanish?
Well of course I do!
The whole enchilada!
I swear that little dog
is looking right at me!
Probably smells your
bad breath or something.
Okay look.
We wait until they go out,
then we make our move.
Wait, why are we breaking in here again?
Didn't you used to work for her?
Yeah I used to work for her.
Then she decided to quit making movies
and now I'm out of a job.
Right, right.
So, why don't you just get another job?
Because I made too many enemies
working for her.
You know, you should really
work on that.
You know you can count
more flies with sugar
than you can with vinegar.
It's catch more flies.
Pretty sure it's count.
I'm pretty sure it's catch.
And in Hollywood, you
have to stick it to them
before they stick it to you.
It's the rule of the jungle.
And now for my ultimate act of revenge,
I'm going to steal her
precious North Star diamond
and sell it to the buyer I set up.
And live like a king off the profits.
Boy you cats sure can run fast.
I mean, I had no idea a cat
could run that fast.
I'm not a cat.
You're not a cat?
What are you?
Like, a gopher then?
No, I'm a dog!
A dog?
You ain't no dog.
Why, you ain't no bigger
than a freckle on a flea.
I'm a dog you bumpkin.
Ugh, it stinks out here.
Oh yeah, sorry.
It was AllYouCanEat chili
at Big Al's last night
and well I'm sure you can understand.
No, not that you big buffoon.
It's something else.
I think you're getting
your country nose on!
My what?
Oh yeah, you see city
dogs have a city nose,
and country dogs got
themselves a country nose.
My range of smell is uh
much greater than yours
so you're probably just
smelling a skunk or something.
A skunk?
I don't think I've ever seen one.
Do they get pretty big?
Well now they're about your size.
But they smell a whole lot bigger,
I'll tell you that for free.
Okay, well that sounds really bad.
Oh yeah it's bad.
Makes Big Al's chili look
like a walk in the park.
I can't even begin to tell ya...
I am so out of here.
We wait until it gets dark,
we go back to the house,
we see where we can get in.
We do some reconnaissance.
Okay, uh wait.
Uh reconnas... what?
It's an army term.
I learned it in the cadets
but I had to quit
because camping gave me diarrhea.
Right right, okay.
I have the same problem with hot dogs.
I'm not joining the army though.
You don't have to.
Let's go.
There's no wifi?
How am I supposed to get on
the internet?
My life is over.
No, you just have to...
Communicate with the outside
world with smoke signals?
No, you just have to...
Do I need a shorthand radio
or morse code?
Or maybe I'll just send
faxes all day long.
We have wifi.
You just have to enter
the network password.
Oh, sorry.
What is it?
It's Meatball101.
Hey, why's your dog named
Meatball anyway?
Oh, uh, well it was his favourite food.
And he used to do this trick
where he'd bounce a meatball
on his nose and then he'd
flick it up in the air
and catch it with his mouth.
Hmm, that's a shame.
Yeah, he doesn't really do it anymore.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You think I care.
Isn't this exciting?
A new sister.
And no, it's not exciting.
What's wrong?
She's kind of a drama queen.
Well, she is from Hollywood.
Give her a chance, she's
in a new, unfamiliar place.
I'll give her a chance
if she gives me a chance.
You two have more in common
than you think.
This is bogus.
You know how I was supposed
to spend my winter vacation?
On a reality show.
It was going to be all
about me and my life.
But Sabrina wouldn't' sign the release.
That explains why you were such
a crab cake at the wedding.
I was not a crab cake.
What is this?
Macrobiotic food.
Cool! I love macrobiotic food.
Everyone in Hollywood eats this stuff.
Everyone in Hollywood, eats this stuff.
Oh, by the way.
Did Sabrina give you the
recipe for Cassie's dog food?
I followed it to the letter.
Thank you.
Can you please not feed
any of that chunk to Meatball?
Don't worry.
I made his favourite.
Oh yeah, bring me those meatballs!
Meatballs for Meatball.
What are you having?
A recipe from my holistic veterinarian.
Uhh, you want a meatball?
Don't look at me.
Okay, which one of you is it?
Meatball, come on.
Wasn't me!
What are you guys all looking at?
That dog is sleeping in the
garage tonight.
I think you're sniffing up the wrong
Ooh. Hehe.
Sorry about that.
My bad.
Ooh, that's just meatballs
coming back on me.
That was me.
Ooh that's a bad one.
I'll just be in the garage.
Go go go go!
Hey hey hey hey.
We are never going to get anything done
unless that dog stops barking.
This is a lot of fun.
I know, I know man.
I'm having fun too.
Okay, go go go go!
Josh, wake up!
There's someone outside!
Meatball's probably just barking
at a raccoon or something.
No! I saw someone!
What's that?
Where'd you see them?
Come on, let's go.
Okay! Okay!
I don't see anything.
I don't know.
I think I saw them go that way.
Oh Meatball, be quiet.
Be quiet!
Oh, Meatball.
I love meatballs.
I could really go for a
meatball sub right now.
Will you shut up please?
Okay, yeah yeah.
Thank you.
What exactly did you see?
There were shadows moving around.
Woah. You woke me up for shadows?
I woke you up for shadows!
Ow! Ow ow ow ow!
Charlie horse!
Don't! Stop that.
Charlie horse!
I need you to stop that.
Searing pain!
Oh no!
Get your hands up.
Odin's ugly sister I am going down!
What is it?
Get out of here.
I think I know what
we're dealing with here.
Paparazzi, right?
They're trying to get a shot
of me living in the sticks.
Could be.
Or it might be a couple of kids
whose parents left them alone
for a few days who need some attention.
Sorry Sheriff.
Oh no need to apologize Krystal.
But Josh, I expect better from you.
Lacey said she saw something.
What'd they look like?
Look, kids, there's more
campgrounds around here
than I can count.
Some folks enjoy tooling
around the woods at night.
Can't say I like it, but it's nothing
to call the police over.
But Sheriff!
When you kids called I was
having a nice little dream
about scoring the winning
touchdown in the Superbowl.
Now if you don't mind,
I'd like to get back in time
for the after party.
Alright, back to bed.
Why do you keep stopping?
Well every time we take a step,
I hear footsteps behind me.
Yeah, they're my footsteps.
I'm behind you!
Well how would I know that!
I can't see anything.
I dropped my flashlight.
You dropped your flashlight?
Where did you drop your flashlight?
If I knew where I dropped my flashlight,
I'd have a flashlight now wouldn't I?
What is wrong with you?
I don't know!
Would you just go?
Nice recon mission.
He doesn't know what he's talking about.
There was something out there.
Thanks for getting me in trouble.
You know I don't know what I
was thinking listening to you.
What, now you don't believe me?
You got me all freaked out for nothing.
The Sheriff was right; You're
just looking for attention.
Wooee! I would not go in
there if I were you.
Hey stinky! Woah!
Good morning!
Wakey wakey!
Eggs and bacy!
Well butter my biscuits,
what is that on your face?
It's a sleeping mask.
Well sleeping time's over.
We've got work to do!
Have you lost your mind?
Come on kitty cat!
Shake a leg!
What is this work you speak of?
Hey! I asked you a question!
Hey, did you hear that noise last night?
Well that was louder than a
mustard truck and tractor pull!
Somebody was out here
causing some kind of ruckus.
What was it?
One of those skunk things?
No, no.
It was like a people smell.
Is this a habit of yours?
Chasing every scent that
catches your nose?
I'm a dog!
It's what I do!
I'm also a parttime wedding
What's that thing?
That there's a flashlight.
I think someone was out here
last night with that flashlight
and must have dropped it.
Let's go check out the rest
of the forest.
Come on.
Woah. What are you doing?
It aligns the chakras and allows
the energy to flow freely.
Go and eat.
I made you a hearty petit dejeuner.
That's French for breakfast.
It's on the counter.
Please let there be bacon.
Ugh! Oatmeal?
Mmm! Oatmeal!
Let me guess.
Everyone in Hollywood eats this stuff.
Yeah! It's really good for you!
Sausages are good.
Bacon would be better.
Major artery cloggers.
I'm trapped in healthy paradise.
Guys I hate to be oppressive
and act like The Man,
but after last night's escapades,
I think you two need to keep busy today.
Why doesn't Lacey keep busy?
It was her fault.
Pointing fingers doesn't solve anything.
But you know what does?
Good oldfashioned hard work.
There's snow out there
that needs to be shoveled
and wood that needs chopping.
You're going to at least help us, right?
Don't think of this as work.
Think of it as getting back
in touch with the Earth.
More like getting back in touch
with wildlife poop.
Come on, kitty cat!
Shake a leg!
Two men.
Size 11 shoes.
Driving a van.
Wait! A white van.
And if I'm not mistaken... yep.
They had Big Al's chili last night.
Come on. They went this way.
You can't work in those clothes.
What, do you expect me to wear
gumboots and overalls?
Kind of, yeah.
If you're dressed like that,
you might as well be
on a reality show.
What do you see?
They're really far away.
Is that how you're using the binoculars?
You need to turn them around.
I thought so.
Yeah okay good.
Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
Okay, what do you see?
The boy.
The boy is working out back.
Okay, good.
Alright good.
Now what else? What else?
The girl just came outside!
Take it easy! Take it easy!
Deep breath.
I'm really excited.
No, no, deep breath.
You're hyperventilating.
Okay we need to just... shhh.
Shh shhh shhh.
Why do your fingers smell like ham?
I had a great idea.
Why let this great outfit go to waste?
This has a video camera and
you can tape me doing work!
I'll post it on the internet
and it will be hilarious.
My own reality show.
Okay, rolling.
Make sure to say lots of funny
remarks and stuff.
You got it.
Hi, I'm Lacey and this is my show.
I'm shoveling snow
which is something a Hollywood
princess would never do.
Let me show you all about my life.
Okay, uh, tell you what.
I'm going to go get
another shovel or axe,
and I'll talk to you later okay?
Okay. I'll keep going.
Yeah, whatever.
As you can see, this is
way harder than it looks.
Okay the boy is heading into the woods.
Okay. Alright.
There's just the lady in the house.
We go in, we plant the bugs,
we find the safe,
we retreat, we come
back for the main show
when everyone's out of the house.
Wait, doesn't the girl know you?
Won't she recognize you?
No no. Don't worry about that.
I got that covered.
Hi there ma'am.
Uh, we're here to check gas lines.
We've got a work order.
They need to be checked.
Is there a problem?
Oh no no no, nothing at all.
It's standard procedure.
Although I mean this time
of year, gas line goes,
the whole place could
go up in a fiery blaze!
Oh my.
Yeah, fire, smoke everywhere.
It's alright ma'am.
Like he said, it's just routine.
Routine, yeah.
A routine.
But could you keep the noise
to a minimum?
I'm meditating.
Contemplating the infinite.
Counting the what?
It doesn't matter.
We've got work to do.
Stop elbowing me!
Stop asking stupid questions.
It's alright ma'am.
He's on a coop program
from the local infirmary.
He was severely neglected as a child.
It's okay.
Of course.
Come on, dear.
After you, after you.
What a wonderful house you have here.
It's very... a lot of wood.
I smell something.
I think my country nose is developing!
Cassie, wait!
That there is not what you think it is.
Okay, I've planted the bugs
in the bedroom.
Okay, I've got the downstairs covered.
You go outside.
Sorry pickles.
Uh, Cassie.
I think you're sniffing up
the wrong tree there.
Back off, country.
I think I've got this covered.
Uh, okay then.
I'll just go ahead and leave you to it.
Yep, just what I thought.
It looks like the city nose
outdid the country nose!
You're busted buddy.
You're busted big time.
Don't turn your back on me!
That's just a shame.
You think you can crack that or what?
Oh yeah I can crack this.
I can crack this like a guy
who just who cracks crackers over soup.
He eats the soup while he's
cracking... the safe... uh...
Once again, that's not an actual saying.
Sorry, just it's pretty dusty down here.
You want me to do it now?
It'll take about 15 minutes.
No, not right now.
Too risky right now.
Not now.
It's like my Dad always says.
There's not time like the President.
No, see, it's present.
No present like the President?
That doesn't make any sense!
I thought you boys might be thirsty.
Oh! Hot chocolate!
That's very very very nice of you.
I think I've discovered
the meaning of the term
backbreaking work.
Why didn't you warn me it was a skunk?
You smell worse than a
bathroom on a shrimp boat!
Eww. What's that smell?
It was an accident!
Cassie! Why do you stink?
And where's Josh?
Mmm. Delicious!
Weren't you the only one
with a mustache?
Uhhh, no. Absolutely not.
Nope. Nope.
He just, he has that kind of face.
That kind of face that people think
he doesn't have a mustache?
Yep, yep exactly.
I was born with this mustache.
Krystal! Krystal! Help!
Cassie stinks!
I better go.
Thanks for the hot chocolate!
It's delicious!
Oh no.
She got sprayed but a skunk.
What are we going to do?
She stinks.
I cannot have a stinky dog.
Halfway to the van.
Uh oh.
Big dog.
Big doggie.
Meatball! Get back here!
Okay. Okay.
Big doggie!
Meatball! Settle down.
Roll up the window!
Roll up the window!
Okay I'm going to roll up the window.
Alright alright.
Let's get out of here before
she sees me.
I think my mustache is
making it furious!!
Bad dog! You get back here!
Who are those guys?
Gas company.
I do smell like a bathroom
on a shrimp boat.
Tomato juice?
Works like a charm!
Hey hey woah woah now!
Don't you need some of that
for my meatballs?
Where were you!
You were supposed to be helping me!
I got kind of bored listening
to you talk about yourself.
Well you could have at least
helped with the work.
Hey Lacey!
Where's Sabrina?
She's at the front desk.
I got a computer.
What's wrong?
Well, Josh tricked me
into shoveling the snow
while he was doing whoknowswhat.
Cassie got sprayed by a skunk.
I'm bored stiff and there were strangers
sneaking around outside last night.
Honey, calm down, alright?
Let me talk to Krystal.
Ugh. Fine.
I'm sorry they're being such a handful.
It's alright.
They're just kids.
How's the honeymoon?
Uh, not good.
Stuck in a Minneapolis airport hotel.
There's a storm.
Oh dear, sorry to hear that.
Hey! How are the kids?
They've been better.
Oh. Uh.
Well, I have an idea.
I mean, our honeymoon
is pretty much wrecked
so I mean, why don't we just come early?
What, no no, don't come home.
Oh, that's just great.
Oh that's just great.
It's over. We're done.
Now I'm going to have to go
back working for my Dad
painting unicorn figurines.
This is just great.
The concierge can book
us a train to Weyburn
tomorrow morning.
That's about 60km away.
I'll pick you up.
Oh, okay. Oh.
That's good! That's good!
We are back in the game!
We're back in the game!
Train gets in at 11.
Okay I'll bring the kids.
I have a better idea.
Why don't you leave them and
then we could surprise them
when we get back.
No, no.
Please take the kids.
Just take the kids.
Aww, that'll be such a nice
surprise for them.
See you tomorrow!
Okay bye!
Hey hey hey.
We'll get the kids out of
the house no problem!
Alright how do you suppose we do that?
Lure them out with candy?
That was my Plan B!
But don't worry.
I have a Plan A.
Okay. Where is it?
Where's what?
You know what I mean.
My watch.
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
The watch that was in my room.
Give it back.
I'm sorry Josh, but I've never
seen you wearing a watch.
Yes you did, last night when
you woke me up.
What kind of a watch is it?
It's a watch, okay!
You know what a watch looks like?
I'm sorry Josh but if you don't
give me a detailed description,
I really can't help you.
Look, I'm no squealer, but if
you don't give the watch back
I'm going to tell Krystal you stole it.
Stole what?
My watch!
What's it look like again?
You're a real jerk.
You know that?
Well this has gone on long enough.
Fun's over, sister.
Cassie, where are you going with that?
Get back here! Bad dog!
Cassie! Come on!
That a girl.
See, I knew you'd come around.
What is this?
What's all the barking about?
Umm, Cassie found your watch.
Why'd you take it?
I didn't!
I... I was mad at you.
I wanted to make you look stupid okay.
I wanted to force you into admitting
that you wear a girl's watch.
Why would you want to make me
look stupid?
And that wasn't just a
girl's watch, okay?
That was my Mom's watch.
Oh. Josh, I'm sorry.
I really didn't know.
Why are you always on that thing?
Talking to my friends.
Last time I checked,
talking actually involved
speaking to one another.
You should try it sometime.
Is that your Mom?
No, just some random lady.
Came with the frame.
I'm kidding.
That's my Mom.
Oh, she's really pretty.
Yeah. I know.
I know it seems silly to
be keeping her watch
but it reminds me of her.
I wear these every day.
No matter what I'm doing
or where I'm going.
It always have them with me.
Parent's wedding rings?
No. It came with the necklace.
Can I ask you something?
Yeah sure.
Why are you so hard on Sabrina?
When I first went to live with her,
she acted like my cool Aunt Sabrina.
She used to take me
theme parks all the time.
She'd buy me anything I wanted.
Once she rented a whole
entire movie theater
just so we could be the only ones there.
But then one day she stopped
asking like my aunt
and started acting like my Mom.
Well, she kind of is your Mom.
Yeah I know, but...
Maybe she was spoiling you
to take your mind off your parents.
Yeah, I never thought of it that way.
Do you think they're still fighting?
No, I think they'll be fine.
You know, that was a good thing you did.
Thanks, meathead.
Don't mention it, furball.
You think this will work?
Of course it's going to work.
I pulled the same trick
when I was a kid.
I wound up in juvenile hall.
But yeah this time it's going to work.
I'm not going to wind up
in juvenile hall.
Wait does juvenile hall
even exist anymore?
Of course it exists.
Where do you think they
send the bad kids?
Fat camp.
I told you I was a chunky child!
I was not a fat child!
Well, you were a little fat.
A little bit. A little fat.
Take it easy.
Now, get to work.
Let's go.
Come on.
Did you light the fuse?
Of course I lit the fuse!
I've lit a lot of fuses in my day.
Well, go check it.
Maybe it's just a slow burner.
Okay you're a slow burner.
Now get out of here.
That's probably not good.
Did it work?
Uh yes, Sheriff's department?
Yes, hello.
I would like to report
a blownup mailbox
on Buckboard Avenue.
Sorry about that.
Yes, as a matter of fact I did.
I saw that boy from the
Patterson household
lurking around.
Honestly, could you please shut up!
Shut up!
Sorry about that.
Oh no no, that's nothing,
don't worry about that.
That's fine.
Anyways, uh, yes!
Have a wonderful day.
No, no.
It's citizen's duty isn't it?
No, you have a nice voice too.
Hey Krystal!
Hey there.
How's everyone?
Kind of hungry.
I'm going to make a delicious
pumpkin casserole for dinner.
Pumpkin casserole better
have bacon in it.
Hey Sheriff.
I need to talk to you, young man.
What did I do?
A mailbox was blown to pieces
down on Buckboard Road.
Went down to check it out.
Proved to be the result of dynamite.
I wasn't fooling around
with any dynamite.
Josh? No.
No one else around here has
access to any dynamite.
And your Dad just received
a shipment the other day!
Not to mention, I have a
witness that places you
at the scene of the crime.
An anonymous call came in.
But Sheriff, I was with Josh all...
Destroying a mailbox is
a federal offense, Josh.
I didn't do it.
I want to believe you.
I really do.
But right now, all the clues
point towards you.
I didn't do it.
Let me just go check on something.
There's a few sticks missing.
Anything else you want to tell me?
Sheriff you've got the wrong person!
I was with him the whole time.
Lacey that's enough.
I know you're not trying
to cover for Josh
but he did go out on his own
and was out of our sight
while you were working.
It worked!
Who's a jerk?
No, the plan! It worked!
Stan's a jerk?
No, the plan! It worked!
Who's a ham jerk?
The plan!! It worked!!
Sorry I had to come on so strong.
But that boy needs to understand
what he did was very serious.
You're not going to arrest him are you?
Guilty as charged!
Heck no.
I don't' see what good that would do.
But I am going to take
this up with his father
when he gets back.
Until then, I want that boy
on house arrest.
Of course.
Oh, I'm picking up Rick
and Sabrina tomorrow.
I'm just going to leave the
kids here and surprise them.
Just make sure he stays in the house.
Thanks Sheriff.
Well that's great.
Hey, I think I'm getting
my hearing back.
Oh yeah?
Say something.
You're a moron!
You're an idiot!
Nobody likes you!
Yeah, I got all of that for sure.
It's back.
It's back.
So did he arrest the kid?
No. He didn't arrest the kid.
Mouse arrest!
Sorry, my hearing's not back yet.
You know, when that lady goes
out to pick up his folks,
that kid is going to
be inside the house,
under orders from the Sheriff.
And that's bad.
Yeah, it's bad.
It's terrible.
Stubbing your toe is bad, alright?
Hitting your knee on the side
of the coffee table is bad!
Poking yourself in the eye
with a spoon is bad, okay?!
But this?!
This is terrible!!
Worse than terrible!
It's a catastrophe!
How many times do I have to
say I didn't do it?
I'm sorry but there's no
other explanation.
Lacey, you believe me, don't you?
Well... you were out
on your own for awhile.
I was at my fort!
I wasn't blowing up mailboxes!
I wouldn't do that.
Josh, you can discuss this with
your father when he gets home.
I'm sorry, but until then, you
are not to leave this house.
Oh yeah? Fine!
I won't even leave my room!
Do you think Josh did that?
Ain't no way!
What about those guys you
chased away today?
It could have been them.
I've got an idea!
Follow me, meatloaf.
What's a meatloaf?
You mean it comes in loaves too?
Sounds delicious!
And just what are you going
to do with that?
I'm going to give this to Josh.
Then he'll know someone else
was out here!
I don't know kitty cat.
Humans can be thicker than
molasses in January sometimes.
Well, it's worth a shot.
Go away.
Oh, it's you guys.
Sure you want to be seen
with a criminal?
What do you got here, girl?
Why do you guys have a flashlight?
Meatball! Cut it out!
Stupid human.
Maybe we should try texting him.
What's going on in here?
Is this your flashlight?
No, it's not mine.
They just brought it in here.
I don't know where it's from.
I wonder where the dogs found this?
I think they're trying to tell us.
I'll be right back.
You shouldn't be out here.
Don't worry about it.
Krystal's fast asleep.
So someone was here last night.
Told you so.
Alright, alright.
I was wrong.
But that doesn't explain the dynamite.
Wait a sec.
When Cassie got sprayed by the skunk,
there were men here.
Meatball chased away their van.
What men?
A couple of guys from the gas company.
Gas company?
They never come here
unless there's a problem.
This is weird.
I don't know about this.
You shut up!
No seriously!
Robbing a safe is one thing
but what we're about to do is
totally crossing the line.
Do you remember what I told you
about the rule of the jungle?
We can't afford to be nice anymore.
Take their sticks before
they take yours.
Well, no not really.
But... were you dropped on
your head a lot as a child?
Yeah. A lot.
What is it?
What is it?
You smell something?
Josh dropped a cookie
here earlier today.
It's gotta be around here somewheres.
I smell something.
Come on!
Follow me!
So, we're coming back
for the cookie, right?
You know what else is weird?
The Sheriff got an anonymous call.
Who called him?
Tomorrow morning let's talk to Krystal.
But for now let's get inside
before you get into more trouble.
Come on.
Yoo hoo!
Little doggies!
Look, there they are!
Let's get 'em!
Good doggies!
Good doggies!
Good doggies!
It's done!
I feel terrible.
I feel terrible.
I mean I've done a lot of bad things.
I've been a burglar, a car thief,
I've passed bad cheques,
I've shoplifted.
But I've never, I've never
been a dognapper!
It's going to be okay Louise.
Because there's a first time
for everything.
You hear me?
Let's go.
It's Louie. It's Louie.
I can't believe we fell for
the old Kansas City shuffle.
I recognize one of them.
It's Sabrina's old assistant Terrance!
I never liked that guy.
Or his fake tan.
Pretty boy.
This is awful.
What do they want with us?
More importantly, when are
they gonna feed us?
I'm so hungry, I could eat
ied chicken off a porcupine.
I don't want to hear it.
But someone is setting Josh up!
My head is killing me!
I didn't have a good night sleep.
My chakras are out of alignment,
my aura's a weird shade of yellow
and I think I inhaled a nerve
from my sleep mask.
But Krystal.
Something is going on here!
Well, you can discuss it
with your parents
when they get home.
Now look, I have to run
into town for awhile.
You stay in the house until I'm back.
Yes ma'am.
Lacey, you make sure he stays inside.
Yes ma'am.
Keep it down in there you dirty mutts!
Take it easy, man.
They're just dogs.
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
I detest dogs.
Every last one of 'em.
Cockapoos, schnauzers, chihuahuas.
All of them.
That's cold, man.
I'm very cold when it comes to dogs.
Portuguese water dogs?
I hate them too.
Now look, get changed,
we got work to do.
Hey, have you seen Cassie this morning?
Come to think of it, I haven't
seen Meatball either.
Hmm. That's weird.
I'm a lumberjack.
Sorry to bother you.
You kids don't happen to have
a couple dogs do you?
Yes. We do.
A big one and a little one?
Yeah. That's right.
Well, I see I see.
Well I was out in the woods
because I'm a lumberjack
and I happened to see the
two of them walking along
and one of them was
limping like it was hurt.
I tried to catch them
but they just scurried
off into the night.
Thought you should know.
Do you know which one was limping?
The little one?
Oh no!
Do you know where he's talking about?
Let's go.
Lacey, I can't leave the house.
That doesn't matter right now.
Let's go!
Thanks mister!
Happy to help!
I'm a lumberjack!
Don't lock the door.
Don't lock the door.
Don't lock the door.
Don't lock the door, kid.
Don't lock the door.
Don't do it.
Darn it!
Stupid kid.
He locked the door.
Who locks the door when
they live in the countryside?
I thought that was the
whole perk of moving
into the country.
Why even live in the
country if you can't have
an unlocked door, am I right?
You are so right.
You know what?
Don't worry about it.
Yeah you gotta little bit of,
yeah, just there, yeah yeah.
Okay, good.
You know what?
Don't worry about it.
We'll just break in.
I'll go get my tools.
No no no no no wait!
You left your tools in there?
Oh no!
Okay, here's the plan.
You're going to jump inside,
you're going to grab your tools.
If they try to escape, you grab 'em.
On the count of three,
we're gonna charge these here doors.
Alright, let's do this!
Okay, on three.
Oh god.
Yoo hoo!
See you later suckers!
Oh that totally hurt my face!
Get up Louie.
Get up.
Get up!
Come on!
We gotta... it's all...
Oh god!
We're okay.
Let's get to it.
Come on!
Get the tools.
I think those two morons are
gonna try and break in.
Let's go stop 'em.
It's okay. It's okay.
It's okay.
We'll be okay.
Come on.
What's... what's going on?
It's stuck.
Just help me out.
Ugh! It's stuck!
That's okay.
That's alright.
Something must be blocking it.
You think?
Must be something wedged in there.
You think someone's inside?
No way, man. I saw the kids leave.
It's the dogs.
What, you think the dogs
wedged the door?
Well... maybe?
Alright, you know what?
Smash the window.
See if you can open it from the inside.
I was thinking you could have
used the wrench for that
but that's alright.
Right right right right.
Are you done?
Here we go.
I can reach.
I almost got it.
I almost got it!
What's happening?
Something's got my arm!
What do you mean
something's got your arm?
Something's got my arm!!
What do you mean
something's got your arm?!
What happened?
The dog took my sleeve!
The dog took your...?
Are you gonna let that little dog
take advantage of you like that?
You need to man up.
Use your other arm.
It took my other sleeve!
What the heck is going on here?
It took my pants.
That actually doesn't look so bad.
Okay, I got a great idea.
Why don't you peek your head
through the little doggie door
and see what's going on in there?
No way!
Who knows what will happen
to me if I do that!
Come on!
We gotta get to that safe.
Okay. Okay okay.
Good. Good.
That's good.
Go on, go on.
You're a real team player buddy.
The coat is clear.
It's coast.
The coast is clear.
I never understood that saying.
Well, it makes a lot
less sense if you say coat.
What if the dog bites my face?
The dog is not going to bite your face.
Why wouldn't it?
I mean, they already stole my clothing.
Look, they're stupid.
They're dogs!
They see arms, they see legs, they bite.
There not so much.
Yeah yeah. You know what?
That makes sense.
That makes sense!
Why would they bite in the face?
That's just silly.
That totally makes sense.
Is somebody there?
Okay just... oh!
Good doggie.
That's a good doggie.
Mwah mwah.
Kisses! Oh no!
That tickles!
I... I... I'm not doing anything!
That tickles!
No geez.
Good doggie.
Were you just licking your
bum before this?
No no!
No no no!
Sounds serious!
Pull me out!
Pull me out!
Pull me out!
Pull me out!
Get me out of here.
I got it!
I got it!
I gotcha!
It's okay.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
And the cactus!
It's okay.
Don't cry little guy.
Don't cry little guy.
And the doggie!
You know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna regroup.
We're gonna find another way
into this house.
And we're gonna get that
precious North Star diamond,
do you hear me?
It's gonna be okay.
What if Cassie's badly hurt?
What are we gonna do?
Don't worry about it.
Meatball's out there,
she's gonna be fine.
Uh oh.
What are you doing out here?
Looking for the dogs.
Oh really?
You two better get in this
car right now.
But the dogs are lost and
one of them's badly hurt!
This is ridiculous.
Josh, you're supposed to be at home.
I am not joking.
Follow me.
Are you...? Sorry!
You get back here!
Just keep pushing me a little!
Come on!
I'm pushing as high as I can!
We'll I need you to push
a little higher!
I'm trying!
Come on!
You weigh so much!
I am not, this is not a good time,
you need to push me a little higher!
You almost here?
No it's not good enough!
Something's got me!
Something's got me!
What's happening?
Something's got me!
Uhh Louie!
Louie! Come on!
Oh! God!
Terrance, I fell down.
Would you go and find a ladder already?
Get a move!
You're gonna hold it right?
Oh yeah.
Come on big guy.
You can do this.
You can do this big guy!
I got it.
I got it.
You got it?
Oh I got it.
I got it.
Up you go.
Oh Louie.
There you go big guy.
You don't like heights.
No it's alright. It's alright.
I got it. No problem.
You got the ladder right?
Oh I got it. Yep.
Okay Louie, you can do this.
Do you have the ladder?
Oh I got it.
You can do this pal.
Come on.
When everyone else was
ready to give up on you
because you got that drooling problem,
you failed Grade 2, and
then who stood by you?
I did!
You know why?
Because I believe in you big guy!
I got the ladder.
Oh that's funny.
That's funny.
How you doin'?
I'm alive!
I'm sorry for bringing you
into this mess.
Don't worry about it.
If your big sister can't
back you up, who can?
Tell me about this spaceship.
It's amazing.
I can see why you spend
all your time in here.
My Mom and Dad helped me build this.
That's awesome.
I've always been into
science fiction, aliens,
and flying saucers.
When my Mom got sick,
we used to imagine this
was a real spaceship
and it could take us
wherever we wanted to go.
I always liked to think I'll be
able to see her again one day.
Maybe one day I could come with you
and we could visit my parents too.
That'd be great.
I really hope the dogs are okay.
I don't know what I'd do
without Meatball.
He really is my best friend.
I admire you, Josh.
When I first got Cassie,
it was all about having
a dog as an accessory
but when I saw you with Meatball,
it really made me realize how lucky I am
to have the little lady
as my best friend.
She is a good friend.
Alright Josh.
Come on out of there.
He's here.
What do we do?
Every good spaceship has
an escape hatch.
Where'd they go?
Time for the big guns.
Um. That's not a gun.
That's a saw.
Why don't you understand expressions?
Because when I was a kid
I was kicked in the head
by a cow.
Didn't you grow up in the city?
Yeah. Okay. Alright.
Uh, look.
Here's the plan.
We're going to cut the
hinges off the door,
we're going to kick it in.
I love kicking things in.
I know you do.
We're gonna get those dogs!
We're gonna get them!
Come on!
I got this.
Are you ready?
Okay Be real careful and real powerful.
Let's do it!
Let's do this!
It's not working.
Oh, it's unplugged!
Let me get that.
Let's do this!
Okay, take two, take two.
It's not working.
Are you serious?
Oh come on.
Oh it's that little dog again.
Get out of here!
Get out of here!
Get out of here!
Get out of here you little
butt sniffer moron!
Get out!
That dog is so annoying.
Stupid dog.
We got it.
Let's do this.
Haha, alright.
Now we're good.
Gonna work this time?
We are good.
We're good.
Alright. Let's see if it works.
Let's go!
So what do you think
they're going to try next?
Beats me.
These guys are dumber
than a bag of hair!
Alright you stupid little dogs.
Come and get me!
Good doggie!
Good doggie!
Good doggie!
Are you still mad about the mustache?
Oh no.
That takes care of the big dog.
Hey what about the little dog?
Don't worry about the little dog.
That little dog comes running,
I'll make that dog even littler.
Let's go crack that safe!
Come on!
Tricky tricky.
It's bigger than a portapotty.
So what's your plan moron?
I can do it.
Yeah I'm going to need a mallet, a file,
and a screwdriver.
Uh oh.
Where'd they go?
What do you mean where'd they go?
My tools! They're gone!
What do you mean they're gone?
Where'd they go?
I don't know!
They're just not here!
I packed them myself.
Okay fine fine fine.
I guess you're going to have to use
another one of your fancy methods.
I'm gonna use my stethoscope.
And I'm gonna go old school
on this safe.
Great great. Old school.
Sounds wonderful.
My stethoscope is gone.
What do you mean
your stethoscope is gone?
It has vanished.
What do you mean it vanished?
What is going on here?
I don't know!
Fine fine.
Go to the van, see if
some of your tools fell out.
There's no other tools in the van!
We brought them all here.
Alright great great.
I guess you're gonna...
You know what?
I put together a backup plan
for just such a problem.
Right. Backup plan.
Can only imagine what this is.
Actually it's a pretty good plan.
We can sell the dynamite
for a new screwdriver
and a mallet and a stethoscope.
Wow. Wow.
That's amazing.
I've got a better plan actually.
What's that?
We can put it on the door
and blow the safe.
That's why you get the hat.
Do you think we lost him?
Yeah I think we did.
You know, we make a pretty good team.
I guess we do.
That's enough now Josh.
Now will somebody please explain to me
what the heck is going on around here?
The dynamite is in place.
Set it for 30 seconds.
We should probably go.
Go go go go!
Go go go go!
I don't know man.
I mean, what if like, the
dynamite, hurts the diamond?
No. That's impossible.
Diamonds are the hardest
substance known to man.
Aside from your big ugly head of course.
Man. It is going to be
one big explosion.
Do you uh, do you hear something?
Yeah. I do.
Oh no.
Oh that's bad.
Oh I get it, the coast is clear!
That makes way more sense.
What was that?
I think it came from the house!
Get in! Let's go.
What the heck is going on here?
I can't believe my hat stayed on.
Would you quit screwing around?
Come on!
Man, am I glad to hear your voice!
I'm getting you out of here.
What's the code?
Woah woah, wait a second.
Here's my tools!
I think I might have broken
a toenail in that fall.
Oh god.
Alright big guy.
Now listen to me.
You gotta get this right.
I got this!
A little bit this way.
Yes! Yes.
A little bit this way!
Here we go!
Come on!
Come to Louie!
Come on.
Check! Check check!
It's so beautiful.
You're right!
That's the nicest bag I've ever seen!
It's so beautiful.
It's like a kitten inside a
rainbow inside an apple pie.
I'm gonna be so rich.
I'm gonna be friends with a rich guy.
I'm gonna be so rich!!
I'm gonna be so rich!
I'm gonna be so rich!!
Can I touch it?
No no no no no no no!
Oh you've got to be kidding me.
No no no no no no.
There it is.
There we are.
Hey little guy.
You and, we can be friends.
Hey, good doggie.
Good doggie.
Easy boy.
Just give me the diamond.
Hand it over.
I'm gonna have to ask you boys
to hold it right there.
What are you doing here?
I just came by to say hey.
What's going on?
What are you doing here?
Um, he was trying to steal this.
This is ridiculous.
Can't a former employee drop by
to see his former employer?
With his, alright, seemingly
seedy looking sidekick
without people making wild accusations?
I mean this is crazy.
It's nuts.
It's nuts.
Miss Eastman, I just want to
say I'm a huge fan of yours.
I've seen all your movies.
Wondering if I can get
a little autograph?
Come on, boys.
Come take a little ride.
Miss Eastman I love your work!
The Weeping Heart made my heart weep!
Can I please have an autograph?!
Listen, I think this is just
a giant misunderstanding.
If I could just have a moment
to explain myself
easy, ow.
If I could just have a
moment to explain myself
you would understand that I did
this as an act of desperation!
Is this a good time to ask
for a letter of reference?
I could write it, you could sign it,
better yet if you wanted to write it,
it's much more personal
and then that would really
help me in my future career!
Well, looks like I owe
Josh and Lacey an apology.
I think we both do.
No problem.
Don't worry about it.
You kids did alright.
What's he talking about?
We did all the hard stuff.
Yeah! We did!
And! We did it together.
You're right. We make a good team.
That's right!
Why, we're the best dog
and cat team in the county.
I'm not a cat!
I'm a dog!
Haha, come on now, kitty cat,
who you kidding?
Fine. Meow.
Josh! Lacey! Dinnertime!
Why don't you two start
before the kids come down?
Ooh! Meatballs! My favourite.
O.M.G. Such a copycat.
Where's Lacey?
Hey guys.
Look what I found outside!
A stray cat!
Better break out the tomato juice again.
I'm getting out of here.
I know you're new to this
but you'll catch up.
You'll catch up, big guy.
Alright. You okay?
Uh huh.
You look good.
Thanks buddy.
You've never looked better.
I bought a comb.
Oh he did.
He bought a comb.
Looks good right?
Terrance wanted to rob the people
so that we could get a diamond.
That's not actually true.
The story's a little more
complicated than that,
dontcha think?
But it's been really exciting
and we had a lot of fun
and we learned our lesson,
um, that don't trust dogs.
Yeah, don't trust dogs.
And I mean it worked out great for us.
It did.
I got a book deal.
What do you mean you got a book deal?
Didn't I tell you that?
I'm gonna be on Oprah!
Really, you're gonna be on Oprah?
Am I gonna be on Oprah with you?
Am I gonna be there?
I already have an assistant.
What's that supposed to mean?
Listen, you still live in my
backyard in a tent, okay?
Hi, Mom!
I was supposed to say something
nice about Terrance.
One time he made me eat, um,
he made me eat a cookie
I found on the street.
That's not actually true.
For two bucks.
No, that's not actually true.
He didn't pay me.
No, that's not actually true.
You wanted to eat the cookie.
You were like, Can I eat the cookie?
And I was like, Don't eat the cookie.
The cookie's full of germs.
And it's possibly filled with
different types of urine
from different types of animals,
and you still ate it.
Terrance wanted to me to
break into the house,
and I was like, alright.
Cause I like blowing things up.
Could I get a lemon tea?
Could I get a lemon tea
from someone please?
A lemon tea?
What show is this?
Yeah, what is this actually?
What show... why... wha...?
I for one just want to say that
we both learned our lesson,
we've moved on to greener pastures,
and we're both working together
to make this guy's life better
and more productive.
Because he admits it was a
big mistake and he shouldn't
have reeled me in though
his criminal activities
but at the time I was very desperate,
I was very desperate, I don't know...
Terrance said to rob them at all costs.
Mmm that's not actually what I said.
If you're gonna use dynamite,
make sure that a dog doesn't
put it in a mailbox.