Steve Byrne: Tell the Damn Joke (2017) Movie Script
(audience clapping)
(audience cheering)
- Hello, I'm Steve Byrne.
This is my wife, Ok Cha.
This is our other son,
Will.
(cheering)
- Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
I'm going to introduce
the funniest man
in the whole world.
Here, this is Steve Byrne!
(cheers and applause)
- How are ya?
Good.
Thank you.
Thank you!
How are ya?
Good to see ya.
Thank you, thank you.
We're good, thank you.
Thank you guys so much,
appreciate it.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you all for making time.
I appreciate it.
It's good to be back here
in Chicago.
How 'bout it for Jamiah,
everybody?
Awesome.
My brother, my parents.
How 'bout it for my mom?
Who addressed you all like
a Korean dictator.
So, let's get into this.
I recently turned 40.
Let me tell you something
about turning 40.
When you turn 40,
you will hear this in your life,
and hopefully you will hear it
the rest of your life.
"You look good for 40."
"You look good for 52."
"You look great for 63."
You never hear that
when you're young.
You never hear,
"You look good for 19."
If you hear "You look good
for 19," guess what?
You look like shit for 19.
You should never
hear that.
I gotta say, I, uh...
I embrace that I'm in my 40s.
I'm not gonna run away from it.
I know this: it's over.
Over.
No more medium t-shirts
for this asshole.
Naw.
Those days are long gone.
Saturday rolls around,
a friend calls you up,
"Hey, we get fucked up tonight?"
"No, we're not."
"What are you gonna do?"
"There's a two-hour 'Dateline',
is what I'm gonna do."
I gotta solve a murder
with Lester Holt this evening.
I don't want to sound grim,
I don't want to sound negative,
but once I turned 40,
I accept death a little more.
Like, I don't want to die.
I want to live a long life,
I want to see all those
"Star Wars" movies too, okay?
But... but if death happened
to me tomorrow,
it's like,
fuck it, I'm tired.
I'm exhausted right now
and I just got to work.
People are like,
"You look tired."
"I am. 40 years
of this bullshit. I'm beat."
This is what I mean
about losing
the will to live, okay?
If I have a large
cardboard box,
I gotta take it out
to the recycling garbage cans.
This box won't fit
in the garbage cans.
I gotta go back in,
I gotta get scissors,
I gotta come back out,
I gotta break it--
You know what?
I'd rather die
than break down this box,
honestly.
Fuck the Earth.
Sorry, Earth, not this week.
If I go to a gas station,
I swipe my card at the pump,
it says, "Please come inside,
see attendant."
I'd rather die than
go inside
and see that attendant.
I'd literally rather
get in my car
and drive three miles
to another gas station
than walk ten feet...
I'd literally rather drive
three miles
than walk ten feet
into your piece-of-shit
place of business
'cause you don't have
your shit together.
Fuck you, come see me.
You know where the money is,
asshole.
(cheering)
You guys getting excited
to vote for a new president?
(cheering)
- (man) Bernie!
- Tell you what...
I'd rather die than vote for
any of these fuckers.
All of them.
The worst.
This is what I truly love
about every election cycle.
Every election cycle,
there's a member of the press
that will ask a candidate,
especially a male candidate,
this question.
Now, the purpose of
that question is to see
if the candidate is in touch
with the common folk.
This is that question.
"Sir, do you know the price
of a gallon of milk?"
They never know.
And I'll tell you why
they don't know in a second,
but first off, to any man
that's gonna run
for elected office, know this.
They're gonna ask you that
question, be prepared.
Here's how you hit them back.
"Sir, do you know the price
of a gallon of milk?"
"Absolutely not, no.
I'm lactose-intolerant.
"I can't enjoy ice cream
or cereal
"because I have a fear
I'll shit my pants.
Anything else?
Moving on."
Now, here's why a man
does not know the price
of a gallon of milk.
He's married.
He has a family.
And that wife won't let him
go grocery shopping, okay?
My wife will not
let me be responsible
for feeding our family
for a week
'cause if I go
grocery shopping,
we're eating Steak-Umms
and DiGiornos
every day for seven days.
"Candidate Byrne, do you know
the price of a gallon of milk?"
"I know a meatball DiGiornos
is $7.99, I do know that."
"Right, the question
is a gallon of milk."
"I know a 12-pack of Sunkist
is $2.99, I do know that.
"I'm 40 years old
and I eat like an eighth-grader.
Next question."
Now, when it comes to politics,
I think some people are--
They just know
out of the gates
when they're born
their affiliation.
Some people, it just takes time,
where you grew up,
your influenced
by friends and family.
For me, I always liked a little
on this side,
I always liked
a little on this side.
Now I definitely know my stance
these days.
So, if someone's like,
"Hey, what's your take
on the death penalty?
"How do you feel about our
presence in the Middle East?
What's your stance
on abortion rights?"
Here's my take on all those
and more.
I don't give a shit.
I could give a flying fuck.
None of that shit applies
to my daily life, okay?
I don't hang with murderers.
I don't know anybody
on death row, so I don't care.
The Middle East, they've been
fighting for thousands of years,
we're not gonna change that,
and thank God my daughter
is not old enough to fuck.
I don't give a shit.
Okay?
Here are the pressing issues
in my life, okay?
I'm ten years away
from Centrum Silver.
My back sucks,
my vision's gone,
my right knee's a little
wonky,
my wife doesn't think
I give her enough back massages.
I have been putting off
an oil change
for 2-1/2 months.
Is my engine gonna blow
today?
I don't know.
Let's roll the dice.
These are the issues.
I think when you turn 40,
you look back on the goals
you made for yourself
in your 20s and 30s
and think, did I hit
those benchmarks?
Have I accomplished my goals?
I think I've done some damage,
but I haven't hit
my ultimate goal.
This is what I truly want
in life.
I want "fuck you" money.
I want money
that's undeniable,
you can just splash somebody
in the face with it.
I want money that's powerful,
you just sit down,
"Hey, you can't sit there."
"What?"
"You can't sit there."
"Oh, I can't sit here?
"Come here.
Fuck you!"
"Now pick that up."
We...
We've all been outside
of a bar, right?
Your bouncer won't let you
or your friends in.
One of your friends
is so tanked, he's like,
"You're not gonna let us in?
You know what,
you piece of shit?
I could buy this-- No!
I could buy this place."
I always want to say that.
But I can't.
I mean, technically,
I could.
It's like, "You're not gonna
let me in? Are you serious?
"Just so you know,
I could buy this place, okay?
"With a second mortgage
out on my house, a...
"government-assisted loan,
definite loan from my parents.
"I probably would not turn
a profit for seven, eight years
"'cause I have no experience
in the nightlife industry.
"I'd probably keep you on,
you're competent at your job,
but technically, so you know,
I could buy this place."
At my age, I will admit certain
things to you all right now
that I would never tell you
in my 20s.
30s, I might, but I'd err
on the side of caution.
40, I don't give a shit
anymore.
I'll tell you, as a man,
I have had a cat boner.
It's always women.
Women always say, "What?"
But most guys are like,
"Yeah, I think I know
what he's talking about."
You guys know
what I am talking about.
You go visit your girl
or you're with your girl,
she got a cat,
cat jumps on your lap,
you start petting it.
"Oh, that's a good girl.
"Oh, you're frisky, okay.
You like-- Oh, that's the spot.
I gotcha, okay, that's the..."
Cat's getting into it,
it's like...
"Yeah, oh, o--
Oh, shit.
"Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
"Gotta get you-- the claw!
Get the fuck out of here,
all right."
That's why I see these men
in their 50s
going to the pharmacy,
going to these boner pills.
Fuck that.
Go to a shelter.
Adopt.
Don't make that sick,
honey.
It's a girl cat.
It was a fucking girl cat.
It's not a dude cat.
I'm not disgusting.
"So gross.
Oh, let's go to
the comedy show
and take the jokes seriously."
Jesus.
We got 40 minutes left.
It's gross.
At my age,
I believe in social justice.
By social justice,
I mean this.
If you cut in front of me
at a bank,
at an airport,
in any line,
I will say something to you now
at my age.
When I was younger,
I wouldn't say anything,
but 40 years on this planet
it's like,
I'm gonna say something.
So if you cut in front of me
at a bank,
this is what comes out,
okay?
It sounds polite,
it's kind of passive-aggressive,
but this ultimately
is what happens, okay?
So, if you cut in front of me,
this is what comes out.
"Excuse me, pardon me,
there's a line.
Excuse me, there's a line."
That's what comes out.
What's in here is,
"Hey, fuck face!
"Get the fuck back there,
you piece of shit!
You better than everybody?!"
"Enjoy the walk, your majesty.
Get the fuck-- go.
"Get out of my face.
Walk."
And all that comes out as,
"Excuse me, there's a line."
Now, if you're gonna
be a man
and parade around town
wearing a badge
and become a social sheriff,
know this.
There will come times
where you question yourself.
Was it worth it?
Should I have opened my mouth?
I had an incident recently
where I questioned myself.
I was... I was with my family
at Disneyland, okay?
So, you wait for hours
to go on all these rides.
Finally, we go to eat lunch.
I waited in line
33 minutes
to spend $28
on chicken fingers,
which is reasonable,
right?
Wait in line,
wait in line, wait--
Finally, at the front
of the line
ready to place my order,
a guy walks
on the other side
of the register,
she takes the order. I go,
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, excuse me.
Can we just create
our own line here?"
He goes, "Actually,
I'm a season pass holder.
There's always two lines.
You just didn't--"
I go, "I'm not talking to you.
"I'm definitely
not talking to you.
Excuse me, can we just
create our own line here?"
She goes, "Is there a problem,
sir?"
I go, "There is now, yeah.
I'd like to see
your manager."
She says, "Excuse me?"
I go, "I want to see
your manager."
She says this to me:
"But... this is the happiest
place on Earth."
"Not today it's not, bitch.
Get that goddamned manager now.
Now!"
Now, that's what I said
in my head.
I didn't say that out loud.
What came out loud was,
"Okay."
So I pay...
aggressively.
Now I'm in the ball pen
with all the other parents,
right?
The manager comes over,
I reiterate my story
out of principle.
As I do, the guy is right there,
he pipes up again, he goes,
"I wasn't cutting.
I'm a season pass holder.
There's always two--"
I go,
"Dude, you're cheap.
Shut up, shut up."
As I say "shut up,"
I realize this.
Everybody in front of me
and behind me is uncomfortable.
My wife is pissed off.
I can feel her body heat
and it is August
in Southern California.
That is heat.
My daughter's crying.
This man wants to fight me.
And as I say "shut up,"
behind him walks
his eight-year-old son
and I just dressed down his hero
in front of his very eyes.
All these variables
hit me in a second
and then the manager
says this to me:
"Sir, I am so sorry,
so here's what I can do.
I can offer you
a free cupcake."
"Well, then I'll take that
cupcake, please sir,
"Yeah, I'll take it.
Yeah, okay.
"Sprinkles? Chocolate, yeah.
I earned it. Give it.
Give me the goddamned--
Give me the cupcake now."
She hands me the cupcake,
I hold the cupcake
in front of my wife,
I'm like, "Got a cupcake
out of it, right, kinda cool?"
It is not cool.
It is not cool.
The guilt drives me down
to the ground
and I kneel down in front
of that
little eight-year-old boy
and I hold out that cupcake.
Yeah.
And I take a big-ass bite
of that cupcake.
Now, my wife didn't talk to me
for an hour,
but I didn't give a shit.
I kept a sprinkle
in the corner of my mouth
like a single teardrop tattoo.
Letting her know,
that's a man you married, bitch.
That is a man you married,
bitch.
And here's the lesson
in this story.
The lesson is this.
I am now a very proud
season pass holder
at Disneyland, so...
thank you.
Now, I've been married
for 4-1/2 years,
we've been together for eight.
I'm glad I met my wife
when I did.
I met her before a lot
of dating apps, social media.
Everything so accessible
right there on your cell phone.
Look, I got great guy friends,
best friends.
I see the representation
of my friends
in profile pictures,
I don't know who that guy is.
This is my point, I'm talking
to every fella in this room.
Pay attention, gentlemen,
know this.
You're not sexy.
Okay?
Visually, you're not,
so please no more selfies
in front of a gym mirror
doing bicep curls
and duck lips.
It's got to stop.
Nobody wants to go online
and see who's shirtless
in front of a Toyota Corolla
doing Taekwondo with a boner.
Please!
Uncool.
You want to take a picture
of something sexy,
you take a picture
of a balanced checkbook
with a lot of zeroes
in it.
That apparently is very sexy.
And fuck you whores.
You just fell for my trap.
I smoked you out.
I know who you gold diggers are.
You single ladies know this.
I don't shed a tear
for single ladies.
I'm so tired of girls.
"It's hard out there.
"You know, it's really difficult
to meet a guy.
It's tough to meet a man."
Is it?
Go outside.
They're fucking everywhere.
Honestly, pick up a rock,
throw it, you'll hit a dude.
Here's a challenge, girls.
Go out when nobody's out,
you'll still see guys.
Go to a gas station at midnight,
oh, hey, a guy.
Go to a Walgreen's Pharmacy
at 4:00 in the morning,
oh, look, another guy.
Go take a piss in the woods,
you hear a branch snap,
that's definitely a guy.
Everywhere.
Now, I love my wife.
I adore her.
I think the world of her.
She is my wife.
But there are definitely times
in my life I'm like,
why are you here?
Why?
I'll give you an example.
Any time I watch television
with her.
I spend 100-plus dollars
on an infinite amount
of cable channels a month.
Why?
Can I just buy one for her?
HGTV.
That's all she watches, HGTV.
And I try to watch
this horseshit with her.
Horseshit.
It's manure.
Let me summarize
every HGTV show for you, okay?
Some real estate agent that's
just trying to do their job
is showing around a couple--
a bunch of properties,
and this couple's just
constantly complaining
the whole time.
"Oh, my God,
these floorboards are creaky.
"P.U., it smells in here.
Did somebody die?
"These drapes are old.
How far is the city?
I don't like this commute.
I want to build my man cave."
It's like, shut the fuck up
and wait 28 minutes.
You ever seen the show before?
It's gonna be awesome.
I watch these couples,
I'm like, fuck these two,
I hope they're never happy.
I hope they die in a house fire.
Fuck 'em.
That's the show I'd watch,
"House Fire."
13th property, I'd padlock it,
light it, get the fuck...
"Bye, fuck you guys."
But look, at the same time,
my wife does not want
to watch my shows.
Now, I love "Ghost Hunters."
Okay?
Now, here's the thing I know
about every property
that is haunted
in these United States, okay?
It's haunted by a ghost
from the late 1800s
to early 1900s.
That's every ghost.
It's a man in a regal suit
with a bowstring tie
and a derby cap
or a woman
in a ruffled Victorian dress
with a pennant of a silhouetted
daughter
who died at the age of six
of the flu.
It's like, this is...
every morbid ghost.
It's time to update
these ghosts.
And I'll be part
of that movement
'cause I will die in my house
and I will stay in my house,
I will never leave my house
because I paid off
a 30-year mortgage
in that house.
That is my house.
I will haunt this house.
(cheers and applause)
I'll haunt it.
But I'll be cool.
I'll be a cool ghost.
People will be like,
"Yeah, there's a comedian
"that used to live in this house
and, uh,
"it's said he can be seen
"roaming the halls
after midnight
"in boxer briefs?
"He's been described as having
the body of a cubicle worker.
"Anytime he appears,
"the scent of Stouffer's
French bread supreme pizza
"permeates the living space.
"And he can be heard repeating
over and over again,
"'Is the Wi-Fi down?
Is the Wi-Fi down?'
'Oh, fuck you, Time Warner,
the Wi-Fi's down.'"
Now, I'll haunt the house,
but I'll be cool.
I'll be cool with that dad.
'Cause I live in my house now
with my family,
one day a new family come in,
I'll be cool with that dad.
And that dad could confide
to his friends how cool I am.
Like, you know what's weird,
fellas?
I think I have a ghost
in my house
because the kids are in bed,
the wife's in bed, right,
it's late at night.
I got the iPad out,
I'm jerking off,
watching some porn, and
I feel like there's a presence
next to me
jerking off with me.
Oohhh.
Oohhh.
Sorry, Mom.
You know, like, if you have
a piano, it's late at night,
the piano's playing,
"dunh, dunh, dunh!"
Ghost playing the piano,
pack the shit,
we're selling this house,
it's haunted, let's go.
I won't do stuff like that.
I will not.
I'll do cool stuff.
But the dad will be with
the wife, he'll be like,
"You know what, honey,
it's weird,
"we leave
for that party, right?
"I know when we left,
I shut my laptop, okay?
"But then we come home,
my laptop is obviously up
"and there's porn playing
on my laptop.
"And it's not like one window,
"there's like 28 windows
of porn playing on my laptop.
"And I'll shut it in disgust
"and I feel, like,
this male presence
"leave the room
in embarrassment.
And is followed
by a ghost cat."
(laughter and applause)
Now, that's gross.
Over time, I've discovered
that my wife definitely and I
have a different sense of humor.
There are things
I witness that--
sometimes I'm like, oh, I'm glad
I'm with my guy friends
to appreciate this,
and I'll give you an example.
I was in Las Vegas recently,
we go to Mandalay Bay,
there's a lazy river
in the back,
people floating,
laying along the lazy river.
I hit this one bend
and there was this gorgeous,
gorgeous woman laying out
with a bikini
completely to the side, okay?
So, the vagina is out.
Out, the only thing more out
than this vagina
is Clay Aiken.
It is out.
And I am mesmerized,
as any man would be.
Right, I'm a man, I'm floating
through it, it's like,
"Yeah, let's, uh,
let's go to a fight tonight,
"not a 'Cirque' show,
let's go see that fight.
"That's what we'll do, yeah.
We're gonna have a good time.
I'll lock up the tickets,
we're gonna go... will..."
"Guys, come here.
"Look, look, look, look,
look,look, look, look.
"We have to go again.
We have to, it's free.
"Come on. Paid a lot
to see that last night.
Let's go, paddle, paddle,
paddle, paddle, paddle."
We keep lapping this pool
like we had never seen
a vagine in our lives.
I timed it.
Three hours, seven minutes.
That is a "Lord of the Rings"
film in prune hands.
That's what we accomplished
that day.
But I know for a fact
if my wife's in my situation,
she's floating
with her girlfriends,
shoots a bend in the pool,
there's a dude laying out
with his nuts dropped
like a bad transmission,
just a two-piece chilling
outside of a pair
of board shorts
like a hairy chandelier.
She doesn't appreciate that.
"Let's get a mimosa.
"But I'll share it
with you 'cause it's daytime.
"I want to enjoy my day,
I want to enjoy my night
"'cause we're gonna have
so much fun this weekend, girls.
We're gonna have so much..."
"Don't turn around.
Don't, no.
(heavy breathing)
"You can't unsee
what I just saw.
"As a matter of fact,
we're leaving.
"We're not staying here.
I saw this thing.
We're getting--
"Tina, I don't give a shit
what you found on Priceline,
we're getting the fuck out now!"
(cheers and applause)
You get me and my guy friends
floating through a pool,
there's a dude laying out
with his nuts popped out.
"Yeah, let's, uh,
let's get a steak.
"Not a Mexican or Italian,
let's get a steak dinner.
"Let's treat ourselves
like gentlemen.
Let's do it, right?
Like a bunch of g..."
"Guys, come here.
"Look, look, look, look,
look, look, look, look.
"Oh, we have to go again.
It's free, we have to.
"I'm gonna name my boys.
I'm gonna name 'em.
I'll call that one Lance,
that one Armstrong."
I will say this, over the course
of my marriage,
and aspiring to always
be a better husband...
I will say this, the biggest
lesson I've had to learn
in terms of trying
to be a better husband
and a great partner in life is
that my wife is very sensitive.
So, I gotta watch what I say.
As a comic,
I gotta watch what I say,
particularly when it comes
to body image, you know?
She's very sensitive, she's--
you know, we live
in Los Angeles.
She is not some skinny waif
who's gonna drink
juice smoothies
and do yoga all day.
No, this is a girl
from Minnesota.
This is why I married her.
This is the kind of girl
I could walk
into Cheesecake Factory with.
As soon as we walk in,
we'll look at each other like,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
We gonna fuck up that cake?
(cheers and applause)
We're like people
at a dog pound.
It's like,
"You're coming home with us.
"You're coming home with us.
You're coming home with us.
I want to take them all home."
So, here's the lesson
I had to learn, okay?
The other day, I was sitting
on my couch, watching TV,
she comes in with a laundry
basket full of clothes
from the dryer and dumps it
on the couch next to me,
which means...
we're folding laundry?
What the fuck?
Now, I gotta preface this
next part with letting you know,
my wife has got
a big ass, okay?
I am not speaking out of school.
She'd be the first to tell you
or admit it, she got a big butt.
Like, if you saw my wife
from behind, you'd be like,
"Oh, I bet she's married to
a professional athlete."
You got it?
You get what I...
Like, if you saw my wife
from behind,
you'd be like, "Oh, I bet
she's married to somebody
that always votes Democrat."
(man)
- Whoo!
- I don't think you guys--
okay, um, like if you saw
my wife from behind,
you'd be like, "Oh, I bet
she's married to somebody
that owns at least one
Tyler Perry DVD."
(man)
- Whoo!
- A black guy, he got it.
A black guy.
There we go.
Black guy.
So, she has a big ass.
So, I go in this laundry pile,
the first thing I pick out
are these cut-off sweat shorts
that she wears.
I wasn't even thinking,
just reflexively this comes out.
I hold them up, I go,
"Whoa!"
Everything got quiet,
everything.
Even the guy golfing on TV
was like...
The way I said "whoa"
is not the way any woman
would like to hear
her waistline described.
The way I said "whoa"
was the way you say "whoa"
when you see the Grand Canyon
for the first time.
Whoa!
Not pants.
Not pants.
So, I know I messed up, right?
And I slowly, slowly
look over at my wife
and I see the tear
develop there.
(audience)
- Aww.
- Now, it didn't drop,
so it's not official, okay?
We've all had tears peek-a-boo,
they go back in.
So, to me, unless
it's moonwalking on that cheek,
I don't give a shit.
Your feelings ain't hurt.
It's not a real tear.
But I know I messed up.
And I'm like,
"I'm so sorry, I love you.
"I love you so much,
I wasn't think--"
"Get out.
Get out of this house."
"I got it.
I'm gonna fold it all.
"Go get some fresh air.
That's what you should--
"Take a lap around
the neighborhood.
"Take a long lap around that--
take a few laps,
"get those laps that are...
"I'm not saying
you need the exercise.
"That's not what I was...
"You know I love you
and I love your a...
"You think about this.
A few years ago,
"girls spent thousands
of dollars on surgery
"to get fat sucked
out of their ass.
"Now they get surgery
to get fat put in their ass.
"And you don't need it 'cause
you already got the fa--
I'm gonna shut the fuck up."
(exhales)
(laughter and applause)
That's when my wife walked over
to the laundry pile
and she picked up
my boxer briefs
and she goes, "Medium."
And that's when I learned
that those tears are real.
It's a real tear.
It does count.
Now, my wife is sensitive.
I am not sensitive.
My guy friends are certainly
not sensitive.
And if I could encapsulate
an event that occurred recently
where something is socially
acceptable
to a group of my guy friends
and certainly not to my wife,
it would be this.
A few weeks ago, my wife
asked to borrow my phone.
I said, "Sure, take it.
No problem."
Her battery died.
She walks away.
Every guy's worst nightmare
happened to me.
Sexual text messages
start popping up on my phone.
She stopped dead in her tracks,
she walks over, she goes,
"What the hell is this?"
I take it,
I'm like, "Oh, shit.
"Oh, God, oh, oh.
I'm so sorry.
"I'm sorry you had to see this,
this is so bad.
"But you're reading
the text messages,
"you're not reading
the names.
"These are my guy friends.
"You see, I'm having a very bad
Fantasy Football Sunday
"because I'm losing so bad,
they're telling me all the shit
they're gonna do to my body."
Yeah, "Steve, I can't wait
to bend you over
and fuck you straight up
in that wet pussy of yours."
Okay, I don't have a pussy,
and if I did,
it wouldn't get wet from losing.
I have no idea what that means.
That's confusing.
"Steve, I'm just
letting you know
that when I fuck you like this,
this is strictly physical."
"There's no emotions involved,
so don't try to kiss me
or make eye contact with me."
"You will never meet
my friends or family.
You're my fuck toy."
That's not nice.
You don't...
don't talk to someone like that.
"Steve, I wish I could
scientifically prove
"I could get
a man's face pregnant
when I blow my load
in your mouth."
It's creative.
She goes...
"Is this what you
and your friends do?"
"Yes?
Yes, yes.
"Do you guys text?
You don't...
What do-- what do
you girls text each other?"
She's like, "Baby pictures
and recipes."
"That is not on this phone.
"There are no baby pictures or--
"Oh, here's a recipe for...
semen.
"Steve, this season has been
such a debacle for you
"that for the remaining
few weeks,
"I'll make it nice on you.
"I will refrain
from touching myself
"and keep a steady diet
of pineapple.
"I will develop...
"such a sweet, heavy load
that when I dump it on you,
"it will resemble the end
of the movie 'Carrie,'
"but instead of blood,
it will be my semen
"drowning you
and your entire township.
Hashtag: dessert time."
What the fuck?
(exhales)
She goes,
"Why is this happening?"
"I had a bad draft?"
She's like,
"You're disgusting."
I'm like, "I'm the fucking
victim."
Well, no easy segue
to this one.
We have a daughter now.
Sorry.
Got a little girl.
Got a little boy.
I wanna do my best now
as a father
to impart upon them
some words of wisdom,
some life lessons,
some shortcuts.
Look, I know they're not
gonna listen to me.
They're gonna make up
their own...
But, look, it's not gonna
prevent me from trying
to be a good pop
and pass down some knowledge.
You know, I'm 40,
I learned most of my lessons.
I definitely still have
some to learn.
But I like to pass it down.
Like, how old are you,
buddy, right here?
22?
You look good for 22.
Jesus Christ.
Are you a smoker?
God damn, dude.
Now, what's your name?
- Ken.
- Ken?
All right, first off,
let's lose the attitude, Ken.
I don't know where
that's coming from.
Ken, enjoy your 20s.
20s are the best.
People will say,
"College are the best years
of your life."
I absolutely disagree.
Your 20s are.
You're...
Take as many pictures
of yourself as you can right now
because the rest of your life,
you'll be trying to get back
to what you have right now.
If you wake up and look at
yourself in the mirror and go,
"Oh, fuck,"
kill yourself now.
Right now, you are
the '96 Bulls.
Ten-- Yeah.
(cheering)
Ten years from now,
you're Jordan on the Wizards.
It's gonna get sad.
There's a blissful ignorance
to your 20s.
For example, you most likely
do not know what kale is yet.
Exactly.
Kale's not on your grocery list.
At 22, you don't even have
a grocery list.
Here's your grocery list at 22:
Chipotle--
that's your grocery list.
Kale is a rich,
nutrient-ridden leaf.
It's overpriced,
it tastes like shit.
But once you turn 30,
you will eat kale
because you're getting
back on track, baby!
I can't stand people
in their early 30s
who are like,
"I'm eating right,
"I've been working out
for six months.
I'm in the best shape
of my life."
That ship has sailed,
my friend.
The best shape
of any of our lives,
between the ages
of four to eight years old.
That is the best shape
of your life.
You climb a tree, you fall down,
you cry for two minutes.
Next you know, you're going
down stairs in a cardboard box.
That's unbelievable shape.
Okay, you-- you on Tinder?
Look at me like a fucking man.
Are you on Tinder?
No.
I respect you.
As a fellow, I will say this.
I find Tinder to be
very condescending.
The audacity of some
of you guys
to just sit there
and visually swipe on faces
dictating who and who is not
fuck-worthy
in your little kingdoms
on your phone.
If you have
the balls to use Tinder
in the privacy of your phone,
you should have the balls
to use Tinder in real life.
Go to a bar, tap a girl
on her shoulder,
wait for her to turn around.
"Oh, Jesus Christ."
"Oh, God.
This is the worst Chili's ever!"
(cheers and applause)
Ken, are you single?
Yeah.
Listen, um...
Do me this favor, and I really
mean this as a fella.
You got your whole life
ahead of you,
starting to date, whatever,
you've got some girls on,
whatever.
Look, never, ever, ever
look at a girl
and say, "That girl
is out of my league."
You always give love a shot,
always give love a shot.
Very few girls are truly out of
your league, looks-wise, okay?
This is what I mean.
Um, go to a hot spot,
find a girl you like,
look at her and go,
"Aw, she's stunning,
she'd never..."
Stop yourself.
Then you look at that girl
and you picture that girl
as an Applebee's waitress.
And if you can picture
that girl working at Applebee's,
you got a fucking shot.
Every Applebee's...
every Applebee's
has one hottie, okay?
And very few women
are too stunning
to work at Applebee's.
Here's what I mean.
Jennifer Lawrence,
she's stunning, she's beautiful,
she's a movie star,
she's talented.
"Silver Linings Playbook,"
"Hunger Games,"
she's got it all.
You think without that talent,
she's working at Applebee's?
Oh, you better believe it.
Reese Witherspoon, you see her
working at Applebee's?
Yeah.
Probably a district manager
within nine months.
Fast track.
Angelina Jolie.
You see her kicking open
a kitchen door
with some sizzling fajitas
in tow trying to upsell you
on a pia colada
during happy hour?
Fuck, no.
Angelina Jolie has never
and will never step foot
inside of an Applebee's.
So, you're sitting there
saying to yourself,
"I got a shot with most girls,
but probably not Angelina
Jolie."
And, Ken, you are correct.
But know this.
For every Angelina Jolie,
there is a Billy Bob Thornton.
(cheers and applause)
So, get out there
and be that Billy Bob Thornton.
And, Ken, you are halfway there.
So sorry.
What a nice guy.
Um, you ever been
in a bar fight?
No?
Do me this favor,
and I truly mean this,
never, ever, ever in a bar
fight a man
in his mid-30s or older, ever.
Because you're in a bar
to meet girls.
He's in a bar
because he's angry.
Right?
Shit didn't work out
the way he thought it was gonna.
So, when you find yourself
on the floor of a bar
getting your face rocked,
like, "Fuck, this guy's
got a lot of rage."
Oh, yes, he does.
And he ain't punching you,
he's punching a 401(k),
retirement,
college tuition, divorce.
He's taking prescription pills
with a side effect
of explosive diarrhea.
That's a dangerous line to walk
every day of your life.
He's punching you,
"I'm not good enough
to be Amazon Prime?"
Nothing to do with you.
Nothing.
Well, these are some
honest-to-goodness true,
absolute lessons
I want to instill
upon my children.
I want to tell them,
live by the golden rule.
Treat others as you'd want
to be treated.
There is no joke there.
I tell them, always tell
the truth, be honest.
Lies fester, they beget lies,
you gotta keep track
of the web of lies.
It's never worth it.
Tell the truth, be honest.
Unless it's the beginning
of a relationship.
The first two months
in any relationship,
you're allowed to lie.
And I'll tell you why, okay?
My wife and I recently,
we were going to Las Vegas.
There's a young couple
at the gate all over each other,
so you know it's not
gonna work out.
And, uh...
the guy gets up, he goes,
"Baby, baby, I gotta get
"my shoes shined, so I'll be
back in a few minutes,
but it will be a few minutes."
She goes, "It's okay."
And he walks away, he goes,
"Oh, shoot, you know something?
"I'm gonna get a sandwich
too to eat,
"so shoeshine, sandwich,
I'll be back.
Text me if you want
something to eat too, okay?"
She goes, "Great."
He walks away.
"Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.
I gotta get a magazine
"to read on the plane too,
so shoeshine,
"sandwich, magazine.
Text me, I'll get it.
It's gonna be a few."
She goes, "It's fine."
I go, "He's gotta take a shit."
My wife hits me and goes,
"Will you shut up?"
I'm like,
"He's gotta take a shit.
Just say you gotta take
a shit, dude!"
But you can't say
"I've gotta take a shit"
five weeks into
a fresh relationship.
You can't be honest.
You can't tell the truth.
You can't be the guy
that's like,
"Baby, baby, baby!
We did it up last night--
"Jger, Patrn, Fireball,
back to Jger.
"Then all those
Stellas and Blue Moons.
"Then you took me
to Denny's.
"I got those
spicy buffalo tenders,
"a French onion soup,
a flapjack,
"three sausage links,
and five orange juices.
"I gotta tell ya,
I got a timebomb brewing
"in this tum-tum right now,
okay?
"So, what Daddy's gotta do,
"I've got to Macarena
over that restroom
"and rock a deuce.
'Cause if I get 30,000 up
"in that bird, whatever I do
in the back of that bird,
it could be considered an act
of terrorism."
I've got to tell you,
you guys really
get behind
a good shit joke.
Thank you.
(chuckles)
I want to tell my kids,
"Don't go through life being
100% prejudiced, okay?
You can be 25% prejudiced."
And I'll tell everybody in
this room right now,
I am prejudiced, okay?
I'm not gonna sugarcoat it
and pretend I'm not.
I'm prejudiced.
And it's not racial.
Not racial at all.
I'll give you
an example, okay?
If I drive in the left lane
of a highway
and you ride my ass in
the left lane of that highway,
my actions are now gonna
become dependent
upon your make and model.
I will prejudge you.
If you ride my ass
in the left lane of a highway
in a Honda Civic--
a Honda Civic--
you can go fuck yourself
in your Honda Civic.
You have not
worked hard enough in life
for me to be an inconvenience
to you
in a goddamned Civic.
Oh, now you're in a hurry
to get shit done?
Now you've got priorities?
No, no, no, no, no.
What average event
do you have to get to
in an average car that quickly
in a Civic?
Stay in line, asshole.
No one's missing you.
You ride my ass in the left lane
of a highway in a minivan?
You shouldn't
be in the left lane
of a highway in a minivan.
You have children
in that minivan,
and if you don't have
children,
you shouldn't have bought
a minivan, you pervert.
You ride my ass in
the left lane
of a highway
in a Toyota Prius?
(mocking voice)
Well, shouldn't you be
on a bicycle?
You ride my ass in
the left lane of a highway
in a Porsche, Lamborghini,
Jaguar, Ferrari...
respect.
Let me get out of your way
so you can keep doing
some cool shit, my friend.
Probably in a rush to get
to an orgy.
Go fuck 'em all for me.
You're my hero!
You never use condoms!
You ride my ass in
the left lane
of a highway in a Kia?
A Kia?
I am dousing you
with windshield wiper fluid.
I am pulling that bitch back
and I am hosing you.
I'm watching you
in the rearview going,
"Is it raining out?"
"No. I hate you."
You bought a car
because of
a hip-hop dancing hamster,
you moron?
You ride my ass in
the left lane
of a highway
in a pickup truck?
I'm getting the fuck
off the freeway...
because I am not waking up
hog-tied
in a wheat field
next to Ken.
Fuck that.
As my kids get older,
I want to tell them,
"Have faith, don't have faith.
That is entirely up to you
as you get older."
I grew up with faith.
I still have faith.
I believe, uh, it's a good way
to go through life,
being held accountable
by your actions
by a higher power.
If I could break it down
to a microcosm,
sneeze next to somebody
of faith.
It's reassuring.
"Ah-choo."
"God bless you."
They're saying,
"Hey, don't get sick on us."
Selfishly what
they're saying is,
"Please don't start
a plague."
But I'll take that any day over
sneezing next to an atheist.
"Ah-choo."
"No one can help you."
I want to tell my kids,
"Be accepting of everybody."
You know, uh,
I think everybody has the right
to do whatever it is
that makes them happy.
I was having a conversation
with a friend of mine
the other day,
and the reason
I think this is because
he's of the mindset you can
become gay.
I'm of the mindset
you are born gay.
And we went back and forth,
and we had this little debate.
And then he brought up
this rumor
that back in the day,
Mick Jagger banged David Bowie,
or vice-versa, depending who
you're a bigger fan of.
You know,
like, whoever's behind.
It's up to you.
It's...
Because I totally get it.
Mick Jagger's touring the world.
He's banging "10s"
after decades,
and eventually he's like,
"I'm tired of hot
chicks.
I'm gonna fuck
a hot dude."
I was like, "Uh, I don't
get that at all."
'Cause I'll tell you this,
I love eating pizza.
I could eat pizza for breakfast,
lunch, and dinner
seven days a week,
365 days a year.
And I don't believe
on day 366,
I pick up
a slice of pizza and go,
"I cannot eat one more slice
of pizza.
It's time to fuck dudes."
I don't see it.
This has disappeared.
It's back.
Sit the fuck down.
I want to tell my kids
something
my father told me when
I was very young.
My father
grew up in New York City.
He was surrounded
by everybody,
friends with everybody,
still is to this day.
And I'll always remember this.
He said, "Steve, you never judge
"the people as a whole.
"You always judge
the individual.
That's how you go through life.
That is how you make friends."
And I'll tell my kids
the same thing.
And I'm gonna tell them this.
"Look, this is just
an example, guys.
An example, okay?"
I'm gonna tell them,
"You can't hate
all Jewish people."
That's awful.
Of course you can hate
a Jewish person,
if you have
a bad experience
with that individual.
But it's absolutely unfair
to hate all of...
Wall Street,
the banking industry,
the recording industry,
television, film,
Hollywood itself,
doctors, lawyers, etc.,
our legal system,
the Federal Reserve,
any sports commissioner,
mass media,
any landlord
or property owner,
southern Connecticut,
northern Jersey,
Upper East Side
or West Side of New York City,
the whole state of Florida,
you can't hate all that.
And sometimes I do that joke,
and people are like,
"Oh, he's anti-Semitic.
He hates Jews."
No, I don't.
They have a good sense of humor.
And, look, I love Jews.
I work with Jews.
My manager's Jewish,
my agent's Jewish,
my publisher's Jewish,
my lawyer's Jewish.
You get it.
Now, this is the second
to last lesson
I want to impart
upon my kids.
I want to tell them,
"Have a bartender's year."
And that means you listen
more than you talk
about yourself.
Hopefully, that'll get you
some great friends.
Hopefully,
that'll get you this friend,
because I believe this is
the best friend
you can have
when you're growing up.
Not only that,
I believe
this is the greatest human being
in our country.
I'll tell you
who it is right now--
fat white girls.
Fat... white... girls.
And I know this P.C. climate
we live in,
where everybody's a victim,
and somebody in this room
right now is going,
"Oh, he's being mean!
He's being cruel."
No, I'm not.
I'm being celebratory.
I'm going on the books,
on record, and letting everybody
in this room know right now:
I love 'em fat.
I love 'em white.
And you'd best believe,
I love 'em girls.
Fat white girls are awesome!
Fat white girls are at
the forefront of civil rights.
Whatever fat white girls do,
it takes the rest
of the country
a few years
to catch up to them.
Which sounds ironic.
I'll give you that.
(taps mic)
Let's all be honest...
honest with each other.
20 years ago, 20 years ago,
nobody's fuckin' black guys.
20 years ago, nobody's fucking
black guys publicly.
But 20 years ago,
who's parading around
downtown
with a care in the world,
fuckin' a black guy?
A fat white girl.
Flash forward to today,
who's fucking black guys?
Everybody's fucking
black guys!
Well, thank you,
fat white girls.
10 years ago,
you're a little gay boy.
You want your tongue pierced
at Claire's.
Well, you can't
go with the football team.
Well, who's gonna take
your little gay ass to the mall?
I guess your first friend
from junior high school,
fat white girl!
Flash forward to today,
who's got a gay friend?
Everybody loves the gays!
Well, thank you,
fat white girls!
Fat white girls,
great work!
But, you have a new mission,
and it starts this evening,
effective immediately--
start fucking Asian guys.
Turn around
so they can see.
Yep, come on.
(laughter and applause)
That's an Asian.
If I told everybody
in this room,
"Shut your eyes
and imagine an Asian,"
that is literally what
you would picture, right there.
Now, after the show, you get
yourself to a Lane Bryant.
Or a Torrid.
Beat it.
All right, let's...
(chuckling)
Let's...
let's switch gears here
and change the subject.
And I will say,
the last lesson for last.
Um...
(sighing)
let me tell you something:
at my age, eating McDonald's
is a much different experience
than when I was younger.
By the way, any time
I bring up McDonald's,
people are like,
"Oh, McDonald's is gross.
McDonald's is disgusting."
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You go to hell.
McDonald's is America, okay?
McDonald's is my childhood.
I am Pavlov's dog to McDonald's.
People are like,
"It's-- You know,
the nuggets, it's pink slime."
Well, you know, I'll dip it
in barbecue sauce next.
McDonald's, you've got
a long way to go
to disgust me
before I stop comin' to you.
McDonald's could be like,
"And now, we deep fry cat shit!"
Put it in a box, give me a toy,
we've got a deal!
I love McDonald's.
And McDonald's,
at my age,
is the closest I'll come
to cheating on my wife.
It is the same three
emotions:
desire, pleasure, guilt.
All...
within 12 minutes.
I'll be driving,
minding my own business,
right?
I see those arches.
"Oh, shit!
Ooh!
"You look good.
You look good.
"I want you.
I want you so bad.
I want you inside
of me."
(exhales sharply)
"But, I'm being good,
I'm being good
"Go home.
Go home to your family.
"Go home to your family now.
"Don't ruin this.
Do not...
"You deserve it.
"You deserve this.
You work hard.
"You should treat yourself.
You're a big boy.
Big boys treat themsel--"
They're honking,
it's green.
"The hell with this.
It's the right call.
"You're gonna feel
so much better. This is--
Absolutely not!
I'm goin' in, fuck it!"
Go in,
I pop open that door.
The waft of grease hits you.
"Welcome home!"
Peppery burger, salty fries,
sugary soft drink.
Give me a sundae,
douse it in peanuts
and gave me an apple pie.
"Oh, fuck, I'm lovin' it!"
(McDonald's jingle theme)
Ba-da-ba-ba-baa
12 minutes later,
I'm in my car by myself
pinching my side fat.
"You fat fuck!
"You fat piece of shit.
"You keep eating like this,
you're gonna fit
in your wife's pants."
She ain't here.
She ain't here.
Don't tweet that shit out.
Don't let her know
I do that. No.
I want to tell you all,
I actually ran that joke
by my wife.
Because I love her,
I will not make a fool
out of her publicly,
and, I watch
a lot of "Dateline", all right?
I'm not waking up at 3:00
in the morning
with her shoving
her shorts in my mouth like,
"Is it funny now,
you motherfucker?"
(imitating stabbing)
This is the actual conversation
I had with her, okay?
I go, "Look, I got to run
a joke by you,
and see if
you're okay with it."
She goes,
"Okay, tell me the joke."
I tell her the joke, I go,
"What do you think?"
She goes, "Well..."
And I was like, "Do you like
driving the Lexus?"
She goes,
"Tell the goddamn joke, Steve."
I'll tell you this... it took me
four decades on this planet
to realize what a woman means
when she says,
"I have nothing
to wear tonight."
I could never relate to that.
"I have nothing
to wear tonight," you know?
My wife, she'll walk
out of her closet.
Her closet, not ours.
Not mine.
I get a dresser.
Okay?
She walks in her closet.
"No. No. Pfft.
Nope. No.
"No.
I got nothin'!
I have got nothing
to wear tonight."
"Yeah, me either,
"'cause my good shit's
on the bottom drawer,
and it won't open
'cause it's from Ikea."
Got nothing to wear
tonight.
I never knew what that meant
till the other day.
I was sitting at home,
flipping through
my high-def channels.
Action, sci-fis, thrillers,
dramas,
documentaries,
romance, Westerns.
Apple TV, what have we got
on iTunes?
We've got Scorsese collection,
Spielberg collection,
Hitchcock collection,
all the Star Wars,
all the Star Treks,
all the Harry Potters,
all the Fast and Furious,
all the Jurassic Parks,
all the Indiana Jones,
all the X-Mens,
all the Batmans,
all the Supermans,
all the Avengers,
all the Captain Americas,
Thors, Iron Mans, Hulks,
all the...
There's nothing to watch.
(exhales sharply)
(sighs)
I'm not exercising.
See everybody outside?
They're all in the backyard.
They're playing,
the're having fun, right?
I'm gonna jerk off.
Let's see on this laptop,
what have we got here?
Amateur, anal, blonde,
brunette, redhead, cum shot,
glasses, cougar, granny,
MILF, cheerleader, teen,
interracial-- just say black,
who are we kidding?
Saw it. Saw it, saw it,
seen it, seen it, saw it.
Saw it, saw it, seen it,
saw it, saw it.
Saw it, saw it, saw it,
saw it, saw it, saw it...
There's nothing to jerk off to?
(disappointed)
Guess I'll spend time
with my family.
Sp... Speaking of porn...
I love when people are like,
"There's such bad acting
in porn."
Yeah. It's porn!
But it's always women
that are the bad actors
in porn, always girls.
"Oh, my God,
that is a monster cock!
"Gimme that big dick!
"Harder, faster, faster,
harder!
"Oh, my God,
I'm gonna come.
"Oh, my God,
I'm fuckin' coming.
Oh, my God, I'm fucking
coming!"
(man)
- Whoo!
- That... is some
bad acting, guys.
Let me tell you this
right now.
Anything you hear
from a man in a porn,
he's being extremely honest.
"Oh, my God,
this feels so good."
Guess what? It probably feels
pretty good.
"Oh, I want to put it
in your asshole."
Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
He's about to put it
in your asshole, that guy.
"I'm gonna fuckin' come!"
Get ready, he's coming.
He ain't bluffing.
You never see in a porn,
"I'm gonna come,
"I'm gonna come, I'm gonna...
Oh, false alarm.
Sorry, guys."
Men always tell the truth
in porn.
"Tell me your PIN number."
"4-5-8-6."
Men don't lie in porn.
That's why, I assure you,
you never heard a man
say this a porn:
"I love you."
(audience)
- Aww.
- Aww.
Aww? Aww?
Who would 'Aww' that joke?
"Aww.
"Aww, that poor girl.
"She deserves somebody,
right?
"Aww.
"Aww, that girl that just
treated her body
like a circus
clown car, aww."
What?
That girl?
This girl?
"Will you love me?"
"Will you love me?"
"Will you love me?"
(muffled)
"Will you love me?"
That girl?
That girl?
My fear is,
this being taped and all...
years from now, my daughter
will be at
a junior high school--
junior high school lunch table,
or on an iPad or a tablet
with a bunch
of her girlfriends,
and there will be a GIF
or a video of me on a loop
just...
And her friends
will be like,
"I think that's your dad.
Is that your dad?"
"Oh, in that video?
Yeah, that's my dad."
"What's he doing?"
"In that video?
"He's getting butt-fucked...
"and he's jerking off
like 18 guys
"and blowing dudes,
but he's working!
He's at work."
Good.
Good job, Steve.
That parlays us
into the last lesson
I want to impart upon
my children.
And I'm gonna bring Jamiah out
to help me with this.
How about one more time
for Jamiah, everybody?
(cheers and applause)
What's up, buddy?
Thank you so much.
Chicago's own.
How 'bout it for him, everybody?
(cheers and applause)
Wanna come on out here?
As you set up,
I'll let them know.
This is the last lesson
I want to tell my kids.
As I've gotten older,
and now, being a father,
I definitely want to do
a good enough job,
along with my wife,
to one day think we could look
at our kids and...
(chuckles, chokes up)
(softly)
Sorry.
(audience)
- Aww.
- Don't, don't, don't.
Don't.
Two seconds ago,
it was...
It's...
I want to do
a good enough job
that we can look at our kids
and say,
"I'm proud of them."
But, I think that
should be reciprocal.
I think, at some point,
you should be doing
a good enough job
that your kids
are proud of you in turn.
And, if that's to happen,
I think your kids need to know
the character
of their parents.
So, speakin' for me,
just simply put...
I would let my kids know,
I am Steve Byrne.
(chuckles)
I am Korean and Irish.
I am a boxer brief
size medium.
I am revolution.
I am civil.
I am July 4th.
I am December 7th.
I am September 11th.
I am slavery,
I'm emancipation.
I'm cotton and tobacco.
I'm McDonald's and Starbucks.
I'm Harriet Tubman,
I'm Cesar Chavez.
I'm Edison and Ford,
I'm Gates and Jobs.
I'm Elvis.
I'm Hendrix.
I'm Dean Martin.
I am Bruce Lee.
I'm on a train,
I'm on a plane.
I'm on the moon.
I'm surfing the web.
I'm uptown, I'm downtown,
and I am Motown.
I'm a blue state,
I'm a red state.
I am gay.
I am straight.
I'm a Jew, I'm a Muslim,
I'm a Christian.
I am black, I am white.
I am brown, I am Latin,
I am Asian.
I am the founding fathers.
I am the Greatest Generation.
I'm Generation X,
and I'm the Millenials.
I'm all these things
because all these things
are America,
and I am an American,
and I am proud
to be an American.
And I hope one day
my children will be too.
And with that,
I will say thank you!
(cheers and applause)
Good night!
(cheers and applause
continues)
(cheers and applause
continues)
(indistinct announcer)
How do you feel?
- Fine.
- Yeah? You got this?
You ready?
- Yeah.
- You excited?
- Yeah.
- Have fun, okay?
(muffled cheering and applause)
Have fun.
(audience cheering)
- Hello, I'm Steve Byrne.
This is my wife, Ok Cha.
This is our other son,
Will.
(cheering)
- Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
I'm going to introduce
the funniest man
in the whole world.
Here, this is Steve Byrne!
(cheers and applause)
- How are ya?
Good.
Thank you.
Thank you!
How are ya?
Good to see ya.
Thank you, thank you.
We're good, thank you.
Thank you guys so much,
appreciate it.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you all for making time.
I appreciate it.
It's good to be back here
in Chicago.
How 'bout it for Jamiah,
everybody?
Awesome.
My brother, my parents.
How 'bout it for my mom?
Who addressed you all like
a Korean dictator.
So, let's get into this.
I recently turned 40.
Let me tell you something
about turning 40.
When you turn 40,
you will hear this in your life,
and hopefully you will hear it
the rest of your life.
"You look good for 40."
"You look good for 52."
"You look great for 63."
You never hear that
when you're young.
You never hear,
"You look good for 19."
If you hear "You look good
for 19," guess what?
You look like shit for 19.
You should never
hear that.
I gotta say, I, uh...
I embrace that I'm in my 40s.
I'm not gonna run away from it.
I know this: it's over.
Over.
No more medium t-shirts
for this asshole.
Naw.
Those days are long gone.
Saturday rolls around,
a friend calls you up,
"Hey, we get fucked up tonight?"
"No, we're not."
"What are you gonna do?"
"There's a two-hour 'Dateline',
is what I'm gonna do."
I gotta solve a murder
with Lester Holt this evening.
I don't want to sound grim,
I don't want to sound negative,
but once I turned 40,
I accept death a little more.
Like, I don't want to die.
I want to live a long life,
I want to see all those
"Star Wars" movies too, okay?
But... but if death happened
to me tomorrow,
it's like,
fuck it, I'm tired.
I'm exhausted right now
and I just got to work.
People are like,
"You look tired."
"I am. 40 years
of this bullshit. I'm beat."
This is what I mean
about losing
the will to live, okay?
If I have a large
cardboard box,
I gotta take it out
to the recycling garbage cans.
This box won't fit
in the garbage cans.
I gotta go back in,
I gotta get scissors,
I gotta come back out,
I gotta break it--
You know what?
I'd rather die
than break down this box,
honestly.
Fuck the Earth.
Sorry, Earth, not this week.
If I go to a gas station,
I swipe my card at the pump,
it says, "Please come inside,
see attendant."
I'd rather die than
go inside
and see that attendant.
I'd literally rather
get in my car
and drive three miles
to another gas station
than walk ten feet...
I'd literally rather drive
three miles
than walk ten feet
into your piece-of-shit
place of business
'cause you don't have
your shit together.
Fuck you, come see me.
You know where the money is,
asshole.
(cheering)
You guys getting excited
to vote for a new president?
(cheering)
- (man) Bernie!
- Tell you what...
I'd rather die than vote for
any of these fuckers.
All of them.
The worst.
This is what I truly love
about every election cycle.
Every election cycle,
there's a member of the press
that will ask a candidate,
especially a male candidate,
this question.
Now, the purpose of
that question is to see
if the candidate is in touch
with the common folk.
This is that question.
"Sir, do you know the price
of a gallon of milk?"
They never know.
And I'll tell you why
they don't know in a second,
but first off, to any man
that's gonna run
for elected office, know this.
They're gonna ask you that
question, be prepared.
Here's how you hit them back.
"Sir, do you know the price
of a gallon of milk?"
"Absolutely not, no.
I'm lactose-intolerant.
"I can't enjoy ice cream
or cereal
"because I have a fear
I'll shit my pants.
Anything else?
Moving on."
Now, here's why a man
does not know the price
of a gallon of milk.
He's married.
He has a family.
And that wife won't let him
go grocery shopping, okay?
My wife will not
let me be responsible
for feeding our family
for a week
'cause if I go
grocery shopping,
we're eating Steak-Umms
and DiGiornos
every day for seven days.
"Candidate Byrne, do you know
the price of a gallon of milk?"
"I know a meatball DiGiornos
is $7.99, I do know that."
"Right, the question
is a gallon of milk."
"I know a 12-pack of Sunkist
is $2.99, I do know that.
"I'm 40 years old
and I eat like an eighth-grader.
Next question."
Now, when it comes to politics,
I think some people are--
They just know
out of the gates
when they're born
their affiliation.
Some people, it just takes time,
where you grew up,
your influenced
by friends and family.
For me, I always liked a little
on this side,
I always liked
a little on this side.
Now I definitely know my stance
these days.
So, if someone's like,
"Hey, what's your take
on the death penalty?
"How do you feel about our
presence in the Middle East?
What's your stance
on abortion rights?"
Here's my take on all those
and more.
I don't give a shit.
I could give a flying fuck.
None of that shit applies
to my daily life, okay?
I don't hang with murderers.
I don't know anybody
on death row, so I don't care.
The Middle East, they've been
fighting for thousands of years,
we're not gonna change that,
and thank God my daughter
is not old enough to fuck.
I don't give a shit.
Okay?
Here are the pressing issues
in my life, okay?
I'm ten years away
from Centrum Silver.
My back sucks,
my vision's gone,
my right knee's a little
wonky,
my wife doesn't think
I give her enough back massages.
I have been putting off
an oil change
for 2-1/2 months.
Is my engine gonna blow
today?
I don't know.
Let's roll the dice.
These are the issues.
I think when you turn 40,
you look back on the goals
you made for yourself
in your 20s and 30s
and think, did I hit
those benchmarks?
Have I accomplished my goals?
I think I've done some damage,
but I haven't hit
my ultimate goal.
This is what I truly want
in life.
I want "fuck you" money.
I want money
that's undeniable,
you can just splash somebody
in the face with it.
I want money that's powerful,
you just sit down,
"Hey, you can't sit there."
"What?"
"You can't sit there."
"Oh, I can't sit here?
"Come here.
Fuck you!"
"Now pick that up."
We...
We've all been outside
of a bar, right?
Your bouncer won't let you
or your friends in.
One of your friends
is so tanked, he's like,
"You're not gonna let us in?
You know what,
you piece of shit?
I could buy this-- No!
I could buy this place."
I always want to say that.
But I can't.
I mean, technically,
I could.
It's like, "You're not gonna
let me in? Are you serious?
"Just so you know,
I could buy this place, okay?
"With a second mortgage
out on my house, a...
"government-assisted loan,
definite loan from my parents.
"I probably would not turn
a profit for seven, eight years
"'cause I have no experience
in the nightlife industry.
"I'd probably keep you on,
you're competent at your job,
but technically, so you know,
I could buy this place."
At my age, I will admit certain
things to you all right now
that I would never tell you
in my 20s.
30s, I might, but I'd err
on the side of caution.
40, I don't give a shit
anymore.
I'll tell you, as a man,
I have had a cat boner.
It's always women.
Women always say, "What?"
But most guys are like,
"Yeah, I think I know
what he's talking about."
You guys know
what I am talking about.
You go visit your girl
or you're with your girl,
she got a cat,
cat jumps on your lap,
you start petting it.
"Oh, that's a good girl.
"Oh, you're frisky, okay.
You like-- Oh, that's the spot.
I gotcha, okay, that's the..."
Cat's getting into it,
it's like...
"Yeah, oh, o--
Oh, shit.
"Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
"Gotta get you-- the claw!
Get the fuck out of here,
all right."
That's why I see these men
in their 50s
going to the pharmacy,
going to these boner pills.
Fuck that.
Go to a shelter.
Adopt.
Don't make that sick,
honey.
It's a girl cat.
It was a fucking girl cat.
It's not a dude cat.
I'm not disgusting.
"So gross.
Oh, let's go to
the comedy show
and take the jokes seriously."
Jesus.
We got 40 minutes left.
It's gross.
At my age,
I believe in social justice.
By social justice,
I mean this.
If you cut in front of me
at a bank,
at an airport,
in any line,
I will say something to you now
at my age.
When I was younger,
I wouldn't say anything,
but 40 years on this planet
it's like,
I'm gonna say something.
So if you cut in front of me
at a bank,
this is what comes out,
okay?
It sounds polite,
it's kind of passive-aggressive,
but this ultimately
is what happens, okay?
So, if you cut in front of me,
this is what comes out.
"Excuse me, pardon me,
there's a line.
Excuse me, there's a line."
That's what comes out.
What's in here is,
"Hey, fuck face!
"Get the fuck back there,
you piece of shit!
You better than everybody?!"
"Enjoy the walk, your majesty.
Get the fuck-- go.
"Get out of my face.
Walk."
And all that comes out as,
"Excuse me, there's a line."
Now, if you're gonna
be a man
and parade around town
wearing a badge
and become a social sheriff,
know this.
There will come times
where you question yourself.
Was it worth it?
Should I have opened my mouth?
I had an incident recently
where I questioned myself.
I was... I was with my family
at Disneyland, okay?
So, you wait for hours
to go on all these rides.
Finally, we go to eat lunch.
I waited in line
33 minutes
to spend $28
on chicken fingers,
which is reasonable,
right?
Wait in line,
wait in line, wait--
Finally, at the front
of the line
ready to place my order,
a guy walks
on the other side
of the register,
she takes the order. I go,
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, excuse me.
Can we just create
our own line here?"
He goes, "Actually,
I'm a season pass holder.
There's always two lines.
You just didn't--"
I go, "I'm not talking to you.
"I'm definitely
not talking to you.
Excuse me, can we just
create our own line here?"
She goes, "Is there a problem,
sir?"
I go, "There is now, yeah.
I'd like to see
your manager."
She says, "Excuse me?"
I go, "I want to see
your manager."
She says this to me:
"But... this is the happiest
place on Earth."
"Not today it's not, bitch.
Get that goddamned manager now.
Now!"
Now, that's what I said
in my head.
I didn't say that out loud.
What came out loud was,
"Okay."
So I pay...
aggressively.
Now I'm in the ball pen
with all the other parents,
right?
The manager comes over,
I reiterate my story
out of principle.
As I do, the guy is right there,
he pipes up again, he goes,
"I wasn't cutting.
I'm a season pass holder.
There's always two--"
I go,
"Dude, you're cheap.
Shut up, shut up."
As I say "shut up,"
I realize this.
Everybody in front of me
and behind me is uncomfortable.
My wife is pissed off.
I can feel her body heat
and it is August
in Southern California.
That is heat.
My daughter's crying.
This man wants to fight me.
And as I say "shut up,"
behind him walks
his eight-year-old son
and I just dressed down his hero
in front of his very eyes.
All these variables
hit me in a second
and then the manager
says this to me:
"Sir, I am so sorry,
so here's what I can do.
I can offer you
a free cupcake."
"Well, then I'll take that
cupcake, please sir,
"Yeah, I'll take it.
Yeah, okay.
"Sprinkles? Chocolate, yeah.
I earned it. Give it.
Give me the goddamned--
Give me the cupcake now."
She hands me the cupcake,
I hold the cupcake
in front of my wife,
I'm like, "Got a cupcake
out of it, right, kinda cool?"
It is not cool.
It is not cool.
The guilt drives me down
to the ground
and I kneel down in front
of that
little eight-year-old boy
and I hold out that cupcake.
Yeah.
And I take a big-ass bite
of that cupcake.
Now, my wife didn't talk to me
for an hour,
but I didn't give a shit.
I kept a sprinkle
in the corner of my mouth
like a single teardrop tattoo.
Letting her know,
that's a man you married, bitch.
That is a man you married,
bitch.
And here's the lesson
in this story.
The lesson is this.
I am now a very proud
season pass holder
at Disneyland, so...
thank you.
Now, I've been married
for 4-1/2 years,
we've been together for eight.
I'm glad I met my wife
when I did.
I met her before a lot
of dating apps, social media.
Everything so accessible
right there on your cell phone.
Look, I got great guy friends,
best friends.
I see the representation
of my friends
in profile pictures,
I don't know who that guy is.
This is my point, I'm talking
to every fella in this room.
Pay attention, gentlemen,
know this.
You're not sexy.
Okay?
Visually, you're not,
so please no more selfies
in front of a gym mirror
doing bicep curls
and duck lips.
It's got to stop.
Nobody wants to go online
and see who's shirtless
in front of a Toyota Corolla
doing Taekwondo with a boner.
Please!
Uncool.
You want to take a picture
of something sexy,
you take a picture
of a balanced checkbook
with a lot of zeroes
in it.
That apparently is very sexy.
And fuck you whores.
You just fell for my trap.
I smoked you out.
I know who you gold diggers are.
You single ladies know this.
I don't shed a tear
for single ladies.
I'm so tired of girls.
"It's hard out there.
"You know, it's really difficult
to meet a guy.
It's tough to meet a man."
Is it?
Go outside.
They're fucking everywhere.
Honestly, pick up a rock,
throw it, you'll hit a dude.
Here's a challenge, girls.
Go out when nobody's out,
you'll still see guys.
Go to a gas station at midnight,
oh, hey, a guy.
Go to a Walgreen's Pharmacy
at 4:00 in the morning,
oh, look, another guy.
Go take a piss in the woods,
you hear a branch snap,
that's definitely a guy.
Everywhere.
Now, I love my wife.
I adore her.
I think the world of her.
She is my wife.
But there are definitely times
in my life I'm like,
why are you here?
Why?
I'll give you an example.
Any time I watch television
with her.
I spend 100-plus dollars
on an infinite amount
of cable channels a month.
Why?
Can I just buy one for her?
HGTV.
That's all she watches, HGTV.
And I try to watch
this horseshit with her.
Horseshit.
It's manure.
Let me summarize
every HGTV show for you, okay?
Some real estate agent that's
just trying to do their job
is showing around a couple--
a bunch of properties,
and this couple's just
constantly complaining
the whole time.
"Oh, my God,
these floorboards are creaky.
"P.U., it smells in here.
Did somebody die?
"These drapes are old.
How far is the city?
I don't like this commute.
I want to build my man cave."
It's like, shut the fuck up
and wait 28 minutes.
You ever seen the show before?
It's gonna be awesome.
I watch these couples,
I'm like, fuck these two,
I hope they're never happy.
I hope they die in a house fire.
Fuck 'em.
That's the show I'd watch,
"House Fire."
13th property, I'd padlock it,
light it, get the fuck...
"Bye, fuck you guys."
But look, at the same time,
my wife does not want
to watch my shows.
Now, I love "Ghost Hunters."
Okay?
Now, here's the thing I know
about every property
that is haunted
in these United States, okay?
It's haunted by a ghost
from the late 1800s
to early 1900s.
That's every ghost.
It's a man in a regal suit
with a bowstring tie
and a derby cap
or a woman
in a ruffled Victorian dress
with a pennant of a silhouetted
daughter
who died at the age of six
of the flu.
It's like, this is...
every morbid ghost.
It's time to update
these ghosts.
And I'll be part
of that movement
'cause I will die in my house
and I will stay in my house,
I will never leave my house
because I paid off
a 30-year mortgage
in that house.
That is my house.
I will haunt this house.
(cheers and applause)
I'll haunt it.
But I'll be cool.
I'll be a cool ghost.
People will be like,
"Yeah, there's a comedian
"that used to live in this house
and, uh,
"it's said he can be seen
"roaming the halls
after midnight
"in boxer briefs?
"He's been described as having
the body of a cubicle worker.
"Anytime he appears,
"the scent of Stouffer's
French bread supreme pizza
"permeates the living space.
"And he can be heard repeating
over and over again,
"'Is the Wi-Fi down?
Is the Wi-Fi down?'
'Oh, fuck you, Time Warner,
the Wi-Fi's down.'"
Now, I'll haunt the house,
but I'll be cool.
I'll be cool with that dad.
'Cause I live in my house now
with my family,
one day a new family come in,
I'll be cool with that dad.
And that dad could confide
to his friends how cool I am.
Like, you know what's weird,
fellas?
I think I have a ghost
in my house
because the kids are in bed,
the wife's in bed, right,
it's late at night.
I got the iPad out,
I'm jerking off,
watching some porn, and
I feel like there's a presence
next to me
jerking off with me.
Oohhh.
Oohhh.
Sorry, Mom.
You know, like, if you have
a piano, it's late at night,
the piano's playing,
"dunh, dunh, dunh!"
Ghost playing the piano,
pack the shit,
we're selling this house,
it's haunted, let's go.
I won't do stuff like that.
I will not.
I'll do cool stuff.
But the dad will be with
the wife, he'll be like,
"You know what, honey,
it's weird,
"we leave
for that party, right?
"I know when we left,
I shut my laptop, okay?
"But then we come home,
my laptop is obviously up
"and there's porn playing
on my laptop.
"And it's not like one window,
"there's like 28 windows
of porn playing on my laptop.
"And I'll shut it in disgust
"and I feel, like,
this male presence
"leave the room
in embarrassment.
And is followed
by a ghost cat."
(laughter and applause)
Now, that's gross.
Over time, I've discovered
that my wife definitely and I
have a different sense of humor.
There are things
I witness that--
sometimes I'm like, oh, I'm glad
I'm with my guy friends
to appreciate this,
and I'll give you an example.
I was in Las Vegas recently,
we go to Mandalay Bay,
there's a lazy river
in the back,
people floating,
laying along the lazy river.
I hit this one bend
and there was this gorgeous,
gorgeous woman laying out
with a bikini
completely to the side, okay?
So, the vagina is out.
Out, the only thing more out
than this vagina
is Clay Aiken.
It is out.
And I am mesmerized,
as any man would be.
Right, I'm a man, I'm floating
through it, it's like,
"Yeah, let's, uh,
let's go to a fight tonight,
"not a 'Cirque' show,
let's go see that fight.
"That's what we'll do, yeah.
We're gonna have a good time.
I'll lock up the tickets,
we're gonna go... will..."
"Guys, come here.
"Look, look, look, look,
look,look, look, look.
"We have to go again.
We have to, it's free.
"Come on. Paid a lot
to see that last night.
Let's go, paddle, paddle,
paddle, paddle, paddle."
We keep lapping this pool
like we had never seen
a vagine in our lives.
I timed it.
Three hours, seven minutes.
That is a "Lord of the Rings"
film in prune hands.
That's what we accomplished
that day.
But I know for a fact
if my wife's in my situation,
she's floating
with her girlfriends,
shoots a bend in the pool,
there's a dude laying out
with his nuts dropped
like a bad transmission,
just a two-piece chilling
outside of a pair
of board shorts
like a hairy chandelier.
She doesn't appreciate that.
"Let's get a mimosa.
"But I'll share it
with you 'cause it's daytime.
"I want to enjoy my day,
I want to enjoy my night
"'cause we're gonna have
so much fun this weekend, girls.
We're gonna have so much..."
"Don't turn around.
Don't, no.
(heavy breathing)
"You can't unsee
what I just saw.
"As a matter of fact,
we're leaving.
"We're not staying here.
I saw this thing.
We're getting--
"Tina, I don't give a shit
what you found on Priceline,
we're getting the fuck out now!"
(cheers and applause)
You get me and my guy friends
floating through a pool,
there's a dude laying out
with his nuts popped out.
"Yeah, let's, uh,
let's get a steak.
"Not a Mexican or Italian,
let's get a steak dinner.
"Let's treat ourselves
like gentlemen.
Let's do it, right?
Like a bunch of g..."
"Guys, come here.
"Look, look, look, look,
look, look, look, look.
"Oh, we have to go again.
It's free, we have to.
"I'm gonna name my boys.
I'm gonna name 'em.
I'll call that one Lance,
that one Armstrong."
I will say this, over the course
of my marriage,
and aspiring to always
be a better husband...
I will say this, the biggest
lesson I've had to learn
in terms of trying
to be a better husband
and a great partner in life is
that my wife is very sensitive.
So, I gotta watch what I say.
As a comic,
I gotta watch what I say,
particularly when it comes
to body image, you know?
She's very sensitive, she's--
you know, we live
in Los Angeles.
She is not some skinny waif
who's gonna drink
juice smoothies
and do yoga all day.
No, this is a girl
from Minnesota.
This is why I married her.
This is the kind of girl
I could walk
into Cheesecake Factory with.
As soon as we walk in,
we'll look at each other like,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
We gonna fuck up that cake?
(cheers and applause)
We're like people
at a dog pound.
It's like,
"You're coming home with us.
"You're coming home with us.
You're coming home with us.
I want to take them all home."
So, here's the lesson
I had to learn, okay?
The other day, I was sitting
on my couch, watching TV,
she comes in with a laundry
basket full of clothes
from the dryer and dumps it
on the couch next to me,
which means...
we're folding laundry?
What the fuck?
Now, I gotta preface this
next part with letting you know,
my wife has got
a big ass, okay?
I am not speaking out of school.
She'd be the first to tell you
or admit it, she got a big butt.
Like, if you saw my wife
from behind, you'd be like,
"Oh, I bet she's married to
a professional athlete."
You got it?
You get what I...
Like, if you saw my wife
from behind,
you'd be like, "Oh, I bet
she's married to somebody
that always votes Democrat."
(man)
- Whoo!
- I don't think you guys--
okay, um, like if you saw
my wife from behind,
you'd be like, "Oh, I bet
she's married to somebody
that owns at least one
Tyler Perry DVD."
(man)
- Whoo!
- A black guy, he got it.
A black guy.
There we go.
Black guy.
So, she has a big ass.
So, I go in this laundry pile,
the first thing I pick out
are these cut-off sweat shorts
that she wears.
I wasn't even thinking,
just reflexively this comes out.
I hold them up, I go,
"Whoa!"
Everything got quiet,
everything.
Even the guy golfing on TV
was like...
The way I said "whoa"
is not the way any woman
would like to hear
her waistline described.
The way I said "whoa"
was the way you say "whoa"
when you see the Grand Canyon
for the first time.
Whoa!
Not pants.
Not pants.
So, I know I messed up, right?
And I slowly, slowly
look over at my wife
and I see the tear
develop there.
(audience)
- Aww.
- Now, it didn't drop,
so it's not official, okay?
We've all had tears peek-a-boo,
they go back in.
So, to me, unless
it's moonwalking on that cheek,
I don't give a shit.
Your feelings ain't hurt.
It's not a real tear.
But I know I messed up.
And I'm like,
"I'm so sorry, I love you.
"I love you so much,
I wasn't think--"
"Get out.
Get out of this house."
"I got it.
I'm gonna fold it all.
"Go get some fresh air.
That's what you should--
"Take a lap around
the neighborhood.
"Take a long lap around that--
take a few laps,
"get those laps that are...
"I'm not saying
you need the exercise.
"That's not what I was...
"You know I love you
and I love your a...
"You think about this.
A few years ago,
"girls spent thousands
of dollars on surgery
"to get fat sucked
out of their ass.
"Now they get surgery
to get fat put in their ass.
"And you don't need it 'cause
you already got the fa--
I'm gonna shut the fuck up."
(exhales)
(laughter and applause)
That's when my wife walked over
to the laundry pile
and she picked up
my boxer briefs
and she goes, "Medium."
And that's when I learned
that those tears are real.
It's a real tear.
It does count.
Now, my wife is sensitive.
I am not sensitive.
My guy friends are certainly
not sensitive.
And if I could encapsulate
an event that occurred recently
where something is socially
acceptable
to a group of my guy friends
and certainly not to my wife,
it would be this.
A few weeks ago, my wife
asked to borrow my phone.
I said, "Sure, take it.
No problem."
Her battery died.
She walks away.
Every guy's worst nightmare
happened to me.
Sexual text messages
start popping up on my phone.
She stopped dead in her tracks,
she walks over, she goes,
"What the hell is this?"
I take it,
I'm like, "Oh, shit.
"Oh, God, oh, oh.
I'm so sorry.
"I'm sorry you had to see this,
this is so bad.
"But you're reading
the text messages,
"you're not reading
the names.
"These are my guy friends.
"You see, I'm having a very bad
Fantasy Football Sunday
"because I'm losing so bad,
they're telling me all the shit
they're gonna do to my body."
Yeah, "Steve, I can't wait
to bend you over
and fuck you straight up
in that wet pussy of yours."
Okay, I don't have a pussy,
and if I did,
it wouldn't get wet from losing.
I have no idea what that means.
That's confusing.
"Steve, I'm just
letting you know
that when I fuck you like this,
this is strictly physical."
"There's no emotions involved,
so don't try to kiss me
or make eye contact with me."
"You will never meet
my friends or family.
You're my fuck toy."
That's not nice.
You don't...
don't talk to someone like that.
"Steve, I wish I could
scientifically prove
"I could get
a man's face pregnant
when I blow my load
in your mouth."
It's creative.
She goes...
"Is this what you
and your friends do?"
"Yes?
Yes, yes.
"Do you guys text?
You don't...
What do-- what do
you girls text each other?"
She's like, "Baby pictures
and recipes."
"That is not on this phone.
"There are no baby pictures or--
"Oh, here's a recipe for...
semen.
"Steve, this season has been
such a debacle for you
"that for the remaining
few weeks,
"I'll make it nice on you.
"I will refrain
from touching myself
"and keep a steady diet
of pineapple.
"I will develop...
"such a sweet, heavy load
that when I dump it on you,
"it will resemble the end
of the movie 'Carrie,'
"but instead of blood,
it will be my semen
"drowning you
and your entire township.
Hashtag: dessert time."
What the fuck?
(exhales)
She goes,
"Why is this happening?"
"I had a bad draft?"
She's like,
"You're disgusting."
I'm like, "I'm the fucking
victim."
Well, no easy segue
to this one.
We have a daughter now.
Sorry.
Got a little girl.
Got a little boy.
I wanna do my best now
as a father
to impart upon them
some words of wisdom,
some life lessons,
some shortcuts.
Look, I know they're not
gonna listen to me.
They're gonna make up
their own...
But, look, it's not gonna
prevent me from trying
to be a good pop
and pass down some knowledge.
You know, I'm 40,
I learned most of my lessons.
I definitely still have
some to learn.
But I like to pass it down.
Like, how old are you,
buddy, right here?
22?
You look good for 22.
Jesus Christ.
Are you a smoker?
God damn, dude.
Now, what's your name?
- Ken.
- Ken?
All right, first off,
let's lose the attitude, Ken.
I don't know where
that's coming from.
Ken, enjoy your 20s.
20s are the best.
People will say,
"College are the best years
of your life."
I absolutely disagree.
Your 20s are.
You're...
Take as many pictures
of yourself as you can right now
because the rest of your life,
you'll be trying to get back
to what you have right now.
If you wake up and look at
yourself in the mirror and go,
"Oh, fuck,"
kill yourself now.
Right now, you are
the '96 Bulls.
Ten-- Yeah.
(cheering)
Ten years from now,
you're Jordan on the Wizards.
It's gonna get sad.
There's a blissful ignorance
to your 20s.
For example, you most likely
do not know what kale is yet.
Exactly.
Kale's not on your grocery list.
At 22, you don't even have
a grocery list.
Here's your grocery list at 22:
Chipotle--
that's your grocery list.
Kale is a rich,
nutrient-ridden leaf.
It's overpriced,
it tastes like shit.
But once you turn 30,
you will eat kale
because you're getting
back on track, baby!
I can't stand people
in their early 30s
who are like,
"I'm eating right,
"I've been working out
for six months.
I'm in the best shape
of my life."
That ship has sailed,
my friend.
The best shape
of any of our lives,
between the ages
of four to eight years old.
That is the best shape
of your life.
You climb a tree, you fall down,
you cry for two minutes.
Next you know, you're going
down stairs in a cardboard box.
That's unbelievable shape.
Okay, you-- you on Tinder?
Look at me like a fucking man.
Are you on Tinder?
No.
I respect you.
As a fellow, I will say this.
I find Tinder to be
very condescending.
The audacity of some
of you guys
to just sit there
and visually swipe on faces
dictating who and who is not
fuck-worthy
in your little kingdoms
on your phone.
If you have
the balls to use Tinder
in the privacy of your phone,
you should have the balls
to use Tinder in real life.
Go to a bar, tap a girl
on her shoulder,
wait for her to turn around.
"Oh, Jesus Christ."
"Oh, God.
This is the worst Chili's ever!"
(cheers and applause)
Ken, are you single?
Yeah.
Listen, um...
Do me this favor, and I really
mean this as a fella.
You got your whole life
ahead of you,
starting to date, whatever,
you've got some girls on,
whatever.
Look, never, ever, ever
look at a girl
and say, "That girl
is out of my league."
You always give love a shot,
always give love a shot.
Very few girls are truly out of
your league, looks-wise, okay?
This is what I mean.
Um, go to a hot spot,
find a girl you like,
look at her and go,
"Aw, she's stunning,
she'd never..."
Stop yourself.
Then you look at that girl
and you picture that girl
as an Applebee's waitress.
And if you can picture
that girl working at Applebee's,
you got a fucking shot.
Every Applebee's...
every Applebee's
has one hottie, okay?
And very few women
are too stunning
to work at Applebee's.
Here's what I mean.
Jennifer Lawrence,
she's stunning, she's beautiful,
she's a movie star,
she's talented.
"Silver Linings Playbook,"
"Hunger Games,"
she's got it all.
You think without that talent,
she's working at Applebee's?
Oh, you better believe it.
Reese Witherspoon, you see her
working at Applebee's?
Yeah.
Probably a district manager
within nine months.
Fast track.
Angelina Jolie.
You see her kicking open
a kitchen door
with some sizzling fajitas
in tow trying to upsell you
on a pia colada
during happy hour?
Fuck, no.
Angelina Jolie has never
and will never step foot
inside of an Applebee's.
So, you're sitting there
saying to yourself,
"I got a shot with most girls,
but probably not Angelina
Jolie."
And, Ken, you are correct.
But know this.
For every Angelina Jolie,
there is a Billy Bob Thornton.
(cheers and applause)
So, get out there
and be that Billy Bob Thornton.
And, Ken, you are halfway there.
So sorry.
What a nice guy.
Um, you ever been
in a bar fight?
No?
Do me this favor,
and I truly mean this,
never, ever, ever in a bar
fight a man
in his mid-30s or older, ever.
Because you're in a bar
to meet girls.
He's in a bar
because he's angry.
Right?
Shit didn't work out
the way he thought it was gonna.
So, when you find yourself
on the floor of a bar
getting your face rocked,
like, "Fuck, this guy's
got a lot of rage."
Oh, yes, he does.
And he ain't punching you,
he's punching a 401(k),
retirement,
college tuition, divorce.
He's taking prescription pills
with a side effect
of explosive diarrhea.
That's a dangerous line to walk
every day of your life.
He's punching you,
"I'm not good enough
to be Amazon Prime?"
Nothing to do with you.
Nothing.
Well, these are some
honest-to-goodness true,
absolute lessons
I want to instill
upon my children.
I want to tell them,
live by the golden rule.
Treat others as you'd want
to be treated.
There is no joke there.
I tell them, always tell
the truth, be honest.
Lies fester, they beget lies,
you gotta keep track
of the web of lies.
It's never worth it.
Tell the truth, be honest.
Unless it's the beginning
of a relationship.
The first two months
in any relationship,
you're allowed to lie.
And I'll tell you why, okay?
My wife and I recently,
we were going to Las Vegas.
There's a young couple
at the gate all over each other,
so you know it's not
gonna work out.
And, uh...
the guy gets up, he goes,
"Baby, baby, I gotta get
"my shoes shined, so I'll be
back in a few minutes,
but it will be a few minutes."
She goes, "It's okay."
And he walks away, he goes,
"Oh, shoot, you know something?
"I'm gonna get a sandwich
too to eat,
"so shoeshine, sandwich,
I'll be back.
Text me if you want
something to eat too, okay?"
She goes, "Great."
He walks away.
"Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.
I gotta get a magazine
"to read on the plane too,
so shoeshine,
"sandwich, magazine.
Text me, I'll get it.
It's gonna be a few."
She goes, "It's fine."
I go, "He's gotta take a shit."
My wife hits me and goes,
"Will you shut up?"
I'm like,
"He's gotta take a shit.
Just say you gotta take
a shit, dude!"
But you can't say
"I've gotta take a shit"
five weeks into
a fresh relationship.
You can't be honest.
You can't tell the truth.
You can't be the guy
that's like,
"Baby, baby, baby!
We did it up last night--
"Jger, Patrn, Fireball,
back to Jger.
"Then all those
Stellas and Blue Moons.
"Then you took me
to Denny's.
"I got those
spicy buffalo tenders,
"a French onion soup,
a flapjack,
"three sausage links,
and five orange juices.
"I gotta tell ya,
I got a timebomb brewing
"in this tum-tum right now,
okay?
"So, what Daddy's gotta do,
"I've got to Macarena
over that restroom
"and rock a deuce.
'Cause if I get 30,000 up
"in that bird, whatever I do
in the back of that bird,
it could be considered an act
of terrorism."
I've got to tell you,
you guys really
get behind
a good shit joke.
Thank you.
(chuckles)
I want to tell my kids,
"Don't go through life being
100% prejudiced, okay?
You can be 25% prejudiced."
And I'll tell everybody in
this room right now,
I am prejudiced, okay?
I'm not gonna sugarcoat it
and pretend I'm not.
I'm prejudiced.
And it's not racial.
Not racial at all.
I'll give you
an example, okay?
If I drive in the left lane
of a highway
and you ride my ass in
the left lane of that highway,
my actions are now gonna
become dependent
upon your make and model.
I will prejudge you.
If you ride my ass
in the left lane of a highway
in a Honda Civic--
a Honda Civic--
you can go fuck yourself
in your Honda Civic.
You have not
worked hard enough in life
for me to be an inconvenience
to you
in a goddamned Civic.
Oh, now you're in a hurry
to get shit done?
Now you've got priorities?
No, no, no, no, no.
What average event
do you have to get to
in an average car that quickly
in a Civic?
Stay in line, asshole.
No one's missing you.
You ride my ass in the left lane
of a highway in a minivan?
You shouldn't
be in the left lane
of a highway in a minivan.
You have children
in that minivan,
and if you don't have
children,
you shouldn't have bought
a minivan, you pervert.
You ride my ass in
the left lane
of a highway
in a Toyota Prius?
(mocking voice)
Well, shouldn't you be
on a bicycle?
You ride my ass in
the left lane of a highway
in a Porsche, Lamborghini,
Jaguar, Ferrari...
respect.
Let me get out of your way
so you can keep doing
some cool shit, my friend.
Probably in a rush to get
to an orgy.
Go fuck 'em all for me.
You're my hero!
You never use condoms!
You ride my ass in
the left lane
of a highway in a Kia?
A Kia?
I am dousing you
with windshield wiper fluid.
I am pulling that bitch back
and I am hosing you.
I'm watching you
in the rearview going,
"Is it raining out?"
"No. I hate you."
You bought a car
because of
a hip-hop dancing hamster,
you moron?
You ride my ass in
the left lane
of a highway
in a pickup truck?
I'm getting the fuck
off the freeway...
because I am not waking up
hog-tied
in a wheat field
next to Ken.
Fuck that.
As my kids get older,
I want to tell them,
"Have faith, don't have faith.
That is entirely up to you
as you get older."
I grew up with faith.
I still have faith.
I believe, uh, it's a good way
to go through life,
being held accountable
by your actions
by a higher power.
If I could break it down
to a microcosm,
sneeze next to somebody
of faith.
It's reassuring.
"Ah-choo."
"God bless you."
They're saying,
"Hey, don't get sick on us."
Selfishly what
they're saying is,
"Please don't start
a plague."
But I'll take that any day over
sneezing next to an atheist.
"Ah-choo."
"No one can help you."
I want to tell my kids,
"Be accepting of everybody."
You know, uh,
I think everybody has the right
to do whatever it is
that makes them happy.
I was having a conversation
with a friend of mine
the other day,
and the reason
I think this is because
he's of the mindset you can
become gay.
I'm of the mindset
you are born gay.
And we went back and forth,
and we had this little debate.
And then he brought up
this rumor
that back in the day,
Mick Jagger banged David Bowie,
or vice-versa, depending who
you're a bigger fan of.
You know,
like, whoever's behind.
It's up to you.
It's...
Because I totally get it.
Mick Jagger's touring the world.
He's banging "10s"
after decades,
and eventually he's like,
"I'm tired of hot
chicks.
I'm gonna fuck
a hot dude."
I was like, "Uh, I don't
get that at all."
'Cause I'll tell you this,
I love eating pizza.
I could eat pizza for breakfast,
lunch, and dinner
seven days a week,
365 days a year.
And I don't believe
on day 366,
I pick up
a slice of pizza and go,
"I cannot eat one more slice
of pizza.
It's time to fuck dudes."
I don't see it.
This has disappeared.
It's back.
Sit the fuck down.
I want to tell my kids
something
my father told me when
I was very young.
My father
grew up in New York City.
He was surrounded
by everybody,
friends with everybody,
still is to this day.
And I'll always remember this.
He said, "Steve, you never judge
"the people as a whole.
"You always judge
the individual.
That's how you go through life.
That is how you make friends."
And I'll tell my kids
the same thing.
And I'm gonna tell them this.
"Look, this is just
an example, guys.
An example, okay?"
I'm gonna tell them,
"You can't hate
all Jewish people."
That's awful.
Of course you can hate
a Jewish person,
if you have
a bad experience
with that individual.
But it's absolutely unfair
to hate all of...
Wall Street,
the banking industry,
the recording industry,
television, film,
Hollywood itself,
doctors, lawyers, etc.,
our legal system,
the Federal Reserve,
any sports commissioner,
mass media,
any landlord
or property owner,
southern Connecticut,
northern Jersey,
Upper East Side
or West Side of New York City,
the whole state of Florida,
you can't hate all that.
And sometimes I do that joke,
and people are like,
"Oh, he's anti-Semitic.
He hates Jews."
No, I don't.
They have a good sense of humor.
And, look, I love Jews.
I work with Jews.
My manager's Jewish,
my agent's Jewish,
my publisher's Jewish,
my lawyer's Jewish.
You get it.
Now, this is the second
to last lesson
I want to impart
upon my kids.
I want to tell them,
"Have a bartender's year."
And that means you listen
more than you talk
about yourself.
Hopefully, that'll get you
some great friends.
Hopefully,
that'll get you this friend,
because I believe this is
the best friend
you can have
when you're growing up.
Not only that,
I believe
this is the greatest human being
in our country.
I'll tell you
who it is right now--
fat white girls.
Fat... white... girls.
And I know this P.C. climate
we live in,
where everybody's a victim,
and somebody in this room
right now is going,
"Oh, he's being mean!
He's being cruel."
No, I'm not.
I'm being celebratory.
I'm going on the books,
on record, and letting everybody
in this room know right now:
I love 'em fat.
I love 'em white.
And you'd best believe,
I love 'em girls.
Fat white girls are awesome!
Fat white girls are at
the forefront of civil rights.
Whatever fat white girls do,
it takes the rest
of the country
a few years
to catch up to them.
Which sounds ironic.
I'll give you that.
(taps mic)
Let's all be honest...
honest with each other.
20 years ago, 20 years ago,
nobody's fuckin' black guys.
20 years ago, nobody's fucking
black guys publicly.
But 20 years ago,
who's parading around
downtown
with a care in the world,
fuckin' a black guy?
A fat white girl.
Flash forward to today,
who's fucking black guys?
Everybody's fucking
black guys!
Well, thank you,
fat white girls.
10 years ago,
you're a little gay boy.
You want your tongue pierced
at Claire's.
Well, you can't
go with the football team.
Well, who's gonna take
your little gay ass to the mall?
I guess your first friend
from junior high school,
fat white girl!
Flash forward to today,
who's got a gay friend?
Everybody loves the gays!
Well, thank you,
fat white girls!
Fat white girls,
great work!
But, you have a new mission,
and it starts this evening,
effective immediately--
start fucking Asian guys.
Turn around
so they can see.
Yep, come on.
(laughter and applause)
That's an Asian.
If I told everybody
in this room,
"Shut your eyes
and imagine an Asian,"
that is literally what
you would picture, right there.
Now, after the show, you get
yourself to a Lane Bryant.
Or a Torrid.
Beat it.
All right, let's...
(chuckling)
Let's...
let's switch gears here
and change the subject.
And I will say,
the last lesson for last.
Um...
(sighing)
let me tell you something:
at my age, eating McDonald's
is a much different experience
than when I was younger.
By the way, any time
I bring up McDonald's,
people are like,
"Oh, McDonald's is gross.
McDonald's is disgusting."
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You go to hell.
McDonald's is America, okay?
McDonald's is my childhood.
I am Pavlov's dog to McDonald's.
People are like,
"It's-- You know,
the nuggets, it's pink slime."
Well, you know, I'll dip it
in barbecue sauce next.
McDonald's, you've got
a long way to go
to disgust me
before I stop comin' to you.
McDonald's could be like,
"And now, we deep fry cat shit!"
Put it in a box, give me a toy,
we've got a deal!
I love McDonald's.
And McDonald's,
at my age,
is the closest I'll come
to cheating on my wife.
It is the same three
emotions:
desire, pleasure, guilt.
All...
within 12 minutes.
I'll be driving,
minding my own business,
right?
I see those arches.
"Oh, shit!
Ooh!
"You look good.
You look good.
"I want you.
I want you so bad.
I want you inside
of me."
(exhales sharply)
"But, I'm being good,
I'm being good
"Go home.
Go home to your family.
"Go home to your family now.
"Don't ruin this.
Do not...
"You deserve it.
"You deserve this.
You work hard.
"You should treat yourself.
You're a big boy.
Big boys treat themsel--"
They're honking,
it's green.
"The hell with this.
It's the right call.
"You're gonna feel
so much better. This is--
Absolutely not!
I'm goin' in, fuck it!"
Go in,
I pop open that door.
The waft of grease hits you.
"Welcome home!"
Peppery burger, salty fries,
sugary soft drink.
Give me a sundae,
douse it in peanuts
and gave me an apple pie.
"Oh, fuck, I'm lovin' it!"
(McDonald's jingle theme)
Ba-da-ba-ba-baa
12 minutes later,
I'm in my car by myself
pinching my side fat.
"You fat fuck!
"You fat piece of shit.
"You keep eating like this,
you're gonna fit
in your wife's pants."
She ain't here.
She ain't here.
Don't tweet that shit out.
Don't let her know
I do that. No.
I want to tell you all,
I actually ran that joke
by my wife.
Because I love her,
I will not make a fool
out of her publicly,
and, I watch
a lot of "Dateline", all right?
I'm not waking up at 3:00
in the morning
with her shoving
her shorts in my mouth like,
"Is it funny now,
you motherfucker?"
(imitating stabbing)
This is the actual conversation
I had with her, okay?
I go, "Look, I got to run
a joke by you,
and see if
you're okay with it."
She goes,
"Okay, tell me the joke."
I tell her the joke, I go,
"What do you think?"
She goes, "Well..."
And I was like, "Do you like
driving the Lexus?"
She goes,
"Tell the goddamn joke, Steve."
I'll tell you this... it took me
four decades on this planet
to realize what a woman means
when she says,
"I have nothing
to wear tonight."
I could never relate to that.
"I have nothing
to wear tonight," you know?
My wife, she'll walk
out of her closet.
Her closet, not ours.
Not mine.
I get a dresser.
Okay?
She walks in her closet.
"No. No. Pfft.
Nope. No.
"No.
I got nothin'!
I have got nothing
to wear tonight."
"Yeah, me either,
"'cause my good shit's
on the bottom drawer,
and it won't open
'cause it's from Ikea."
Got nothing to wear
tonight.
I never knew what that meant
till the other day.
I was sitting at home,
flipping through
my high-def channels.
Action, sci-fis, thrillers,
dramas,
documentaries,
romance, Westerns.
Apple TV, what have we got
on iTunes?
We've got Scorsese collection,
Spielberg collection,
Hitchcock collection,
all the Star Wars,
all the Star Treks,
all the Harry Potters,
all the Fast and Furious,
all the Jurassic Parks,
all the Indiana Jones,
all the X-Mens,
all the Batmans,
all the Supermans,
all the Avengers,
all the Captain Americas,
Thors, Iron Mans, Hulks,
all the...
There's nothing to watch.
(exhales sharply)
(sighs)
I'm not exercising.
See everybody outside?
They're all in the backyard.
They're playing,
the're having fun, right?
I'm gonna jerk off.
Let's see on this laptop,
what have we got here?
Amateur, anal, blonde,
brunette, redhead, cum shot,
glasses, cougar, granny,
MILF, cheerleader, teen,
interracial-- just say black,
who are we kidding?
Saw it. Saw it, saw it,
seen it, seen it, saw it.
Saw it, saw it, seen it,
saw it, saw it.
Saw it, saw it, saw it,
saw it, saw it, saw it...
There's nothing to jerk off to?
(disappointed)
Guess I'll spend time
with my family.
Sp... Speaking of porn...
I love when people are like,
"There's such bad acting
in porn."
Yeah. It's porn!
But it's always women
that are the bad actors
in porn, always girls.
"Oh, my God,
that is a monster cock!
"Gimme that big dick!
"Harder, faster, faster,
harder!
"Oh, my God,
I'm gonna come.
"Oh, my God,
I'm fuckin' coming.
Oh, my God, I'm fucking
coming!"
(man)
- Whoo!
- That... is some
bad acting, guys.
Let me tell you this
right now.
Anything you hear
from a man in a porn,
he's being extremely honest.
"Oh, my God,
this feels so good."
Guess what? It probably feels
pretty good.
"Oh, I want to put it
in your asshole."
Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
He's about to put it
in your asshole, that guy.
"I'm gonna fuckin' come!"
Get ready, he's coming.
He ain't bluffing.
You never see in a porn,
"I'm gonna come,
"I'm gonna come, I'm gonna...
Oh, false alarm.
Sorry, guys."
Men always tell the truth
in porn.
"Tell me your PIN number."
"4-5-8-6."
Men don't lie in porn.
That's why, I assure you,
you never heard a man
say this a porn:
"I love you."
(audience)
- Aww.
- Aww.
Aww? Aww?
Who would 'Aww' that joke?
"Aww.
"Aww, that poor girl.
"She deserves somebody,
right?
"Aww.
"Aww, that girl that just
treated her body
like a circus
clown car, aww."
What?
That girl?
This girl?
"Will you love me?"
"Will you love me?"
"Will you love me?"
(muffled)
"Will you love me?"
That girl?
That girl?
My fear is,
this being taped and all...
years from now, my daughter
will be at
a junior high school--
junior high school lunch table,
or on an iPad or a tablet
with a bunch
of her girlfriends,
and there will be a GIF
or a video of me on a loop
just...
And her friends
will be like,
"I think that's your dad.
Is that your dad?"
"Oh, in that video?
Yeah, that's my dad."
"What's he doing?"
"In that video?
"He's getting butt-fucked...
"and he's jerking off
like 18 guys
"and blowing dudes,
but he's working!
He's at work."
Good.
Good job, Steve.
That parlays us
into the last lesson
I want to impart upon
my children.
And I'm gonna bring Jamiah out
to help me with this.
How about one more time
for Jamiah, everybody?
(cheers and applause)
What's up, buddy?
Thank you so much.
Chicago's own.
How 'bout it for him, everybody?
(cheers and applause)
Wanna come on out here?
As you set up,
I'll let them know.
This is the last lesson
I want to tell my kids.
As I've gotten older,
and now, being a father,
I definitely want to do
a good enough job,
along with my wife,
to one day think we could look
at our kids and...
(chuckles, chokes up)
(softly)
Sorry.
(audience)
- Aww.
- Don't, don't, don't.
Don't.
Two seconds ago,
it was...
It's...
I want to do
a good enough job
that we can look at our kids
and say,
"I'm proud of them."
But, I think that
should be reciprocal.
I think, at some point,
you should be doing
a good enough job
that your kids
are proud of you in turn.
And, if that's to happen,
I think your kids need to know
the character
of their parents.
So, speakin' for me,
just simply put...
I would let my kids know,
I am Steve Byrne.
(chuckles)
I am Korean and Irish.
I am a boxer brief
size medium.
I am revolution.
I am civil.
I am July 4th.
I am December 7th.
I am September 11th.
I am slavery,
I'm emancipation.
I'm cotton and tobacco.
I'm McDonald's and Starbucks.
I'm Harriet Tubman,
I'm Cesar Chavez.
I'm Edison and Ford,
I'm Gates and Jobs.
I'm Elvis.
I'm Hendrix.
I'm Dean Martin.
I am Bruce Lee.
I'm on a train,
I'm on a plane.
I'm on the moon.
I'm surfing the web.
I'm uptown, I'm downtown,
and I am Motown.
I'm a blue state,
I'm a red state.
I am gay.
I am straight.
I'm a Jew, I'm a Muslim,
I'm a Christian.
I am black, I am white.
I am brown, I am Latin,
I am Asian.
I am the founding fathers.
I am the Greatest Generation.
I'm Generation X,
and I'm the Millenials.
I'm all these things
because all these things
are America,
and I am an American,
and I am proud
to be an American.
And I hope one day
my children will be too.
And with that,
I will say thank you!
(cheers and applause)
Good night!
(cheers and applause
continues)
(cheers and applause
continues)
(indistinct announcer)
How do you feel?
- Fine.
- Yeah? You got this?
You ready?
- Yeah.
- You excited?
- Yeah.
- Have fun, okay?
(muffled cheering and applause)
Have fun.