Steve Martin and Martin Short: An Evening You Will Forget for the Rest of Your Life (2018) Movie Script

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Steve Martin!
Thank you!
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Thank you so much!
It's not necessary.
Thank you.
Thank you. Please be seated.
Marty couldn't make it.
Have a safe ride home.
Right off the top,
I want to apologize for ticket prices.
I know from your point of view,
you're thinking, "It's only two guys.
Why is it so expensive?"
But you know, it takes 18 people
to put this show on.
We have two sound engineers.
We have a lighting director.
We have seven musicians on stage.
We have someone to walk my Fitbit around.
We have an intermediary,
because Marty and I
no longer speak to each other.
We have a celebrity lookalike
in case I don't feel like going on.
Steve says hi, by the way.
But ladies and gentlemen,
right now I am so excited
to introduce a man I love to work with.
A man I met over 30 years ago.
A man...
a man...
a man who is...
a man who is so, so talented
in so many different ways.
He sings. He dances.
He's an incredible musician
and I consider him to be
the real star of the show tonight.
Mr. Jeff Babko on piano,
ladies and gentlemen.
- Thanks, Steve! You know, I thought...
- Thank you, Jeff.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
it's time to introduce a man
who's as funny as a barrel of monkeys...
But that's it.
Mr. Martin Short!
I love this end the best!
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen!
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Just because I say "thank you"
doesn't mean you have to stop applauding.
I can't tell you how humble...
your response
makes a huge star like me feel.
Please be seated.
How are we on time?
- We just started.
- Oh, I see.
All we ask...
Damn this Greenville altitude!
- It's Jeff.
- Jeff!
Let's try that top note
one more time, shall we?
Damn! Son of a bitch!
Thank you so much!
But stop loving just me.
Remember Steve's here too.
You know, Marty, it's been a long-time
dream of mine to perform a two-man show
right here at the Peace Center
with you in Grinville...
- Greenville!
- Grinville?
- Grinville!
- Grinville?
Greenville. You know, I shouldn't have
had that Motrin. Anyway...
In Greenville... South Carolina.
Anyway, tonight, I feel I am
one step closer to that dream.
You know what?
- Steve!
- Let's just leave that as is.
Steve, you'd tell me if you'd had
a stroke, wouldn't you?
But you're right. It is a thrill.
It's actually more than a thrill.
It's an obligation.
Steve and I call this show
If We'd Saved, We Wouldn't Be Here.
- Good night, everybody!
- Hey!
- Marty!
- No!
I looked online at the Peace Center
website and there were our photos
and across them were written the words
"sold out."
And I thought...
how rude.
Let me just say, Steve...
truthfully, what an honor it is
for me to be standing next to a man
who is a novelist, a playwright,
a musician, a composer...
and a legendary comedian.
And let me say what an honor it is for me
to be standing next to the man
who is standing next to that man.
You know, Steve, of all the people
that I have a fake show business
relationship with,
I feel fake closest to you.
Oh, by the way,
when Marty and I fly together,
we save a lot of money,
because Marty fits conveniently
in the overhead bin.
True. Absolutely true.
Let me just say, I am such a fan.
I mean, I see your work and I'm whelmed.
I think I've seen Cheaper by the Dozen
over 500 times.
Wow! Thank you!
Every time I see it,
I say the same thing.
"Steve, you know,
we could watch something else."
You know what I love about
touring around with Marty Short?
No paparazzi.
When I think of Steve...
And it's not often. But when I do...
the one thing that strikes me
more than anything else about you
is how unbelievably pale
you are in person.
It's like I'm being haunted, you know?
No, really.
I mean, you look like
a page in a coloring book
that hasn't been colored yet.
Steve once got a sunburn
from his Kindle reader. You know?
You look like Anderson Cooper
froze to death on New Year's Eve.
Yes, you do!
Thank you. Thank you.
You look like someone put a white toupee
on a urinal.
Hey, listen to me.
I'm not trying to be negative.
No, I can tell!
- Why?
- But out of curiosity,
how far into the embalming process
did they get
before you woke up screaming?
It must have been frightening for you.
We should explain something. It sounds
like we are insulting each other,
but we're actually not. This is the way
we pay compliments in Hollywood.
That's correct. It's true.
Hollywood compliments are a lot like
regular compliments.
But they have a slight passive aggressive
dig at the end.
- I'll give you an example.
- Yeah.
Steve, you know,
it's truly an honor for me
to be performing with
the world's biggest star...
from 1978.
Oh, Marty, that is so sweet!
And I often hear people refer to you
as a whole entertainer.
Well, I added the word "entertainer."
And may I say that you look fantastic?
And I guess that's the charm
of looking 70 since you were 30.
Hey, Marty, you know I think of you
as a Renaissance Man,
and not just because
you carry smallpox.
You know, I...
I don't often use the word "genius."
- And?
- Nothing.
You know, the other day,
Steve butt-dialed me,
which was so impressive,
considering he still uses a rotary phone.
When did you add that?
- Tonight.
- OK!
And by the way, I loved you on
Fallon the other night. Oh, my God!
- Your comedy was so effortless.
- Thank you.
And I kept thinking, I wonder how it'd be
if you'd put a little effort into it.
- Did you see me on Ellen?
- No, I missed that.
Of course. What am I thinking?
That's on at 3 p.m.
And that's when you're having dinner.
By the way,
Martin Short is also the name I use
when I check into a hotel
and want to be anonymous.
Thirty-five years later
and you're still the jerk.
And that's how we do it in Hollywood.
Steve and I feel that you, the audience,
might like to get to know us better.
Yes. And the reason we think that
- is because we're egomaniacs.
- Correct.
So we'd like to share with you
some of the hidden gems
- from our family photo collections.
- Yes.
These are rarely, if ever, seen
private photos.
- Absolutely.
- Let's look at the first one.
This is Marty when he was just
two years old. Adorable.
That's cute, isn't it?
My dark period. Look at that.
And here's a shot of me on Christmas
morning when I was six years old.
Let me ask you something, Steve.
When the guy sold you
that Christmas tree...
how hard was he laughing?
This was taken when I was just
a young boy in Texas.
And it's a photo of my first marriage.
- Next!
- Let's go to the next one.
- Ooh!
- Aww...
Here's a photo of me
when I was 13 years of age
on the beach with my parents.
That's really you?
Because at first I thought it was
Winnie the Pooh.
You know what's amazing about this photo?
How well my parents
are hiding their disappointment.
Oh, and then now that's me at 15.
My first trip to New York City.
That's my mom and two brothers.
We went from Hamilton, Ontario, Canada
to New York City.
The first trip to New York.
And we were at
the Latin Quarter nightclub.
Now that, that's impressive.
Your family drove you down
from Canada to New York City
to see a nightclub show.
That's pretty sophisticated.
- Do you remember the name of the show?
- Sure.
It was the late Bea Arthur's
one-woman show entitled
You Got It In There, Now Get It Out.
Well, I guess we'll work that out later.
Now, let's see the next one.
Oh, yes. This was me
right before I was sent away to camp
to pray the gay away.
There you go.
Marty, I love this picture of you
as a teenager.
It was taken right before I created
Apple in my garage.
To me, it looks like someone
who sells macrame on Etsy.
Here I am working at Disneyland's
magic shop when I was 15 years old.
And look, that's me
hanging up there behind you. Look at that.
Can we take a closer look at that?
- Oh, yeah.
- There we go.
Somehow that's one of the less creepy
photos of you I've ever seen.
Speaking of creepy...
Come on, we've all done it!
And here's my senior prom.
What a fun night that was.
Look how handsome you were.
- Look how pretty you were.
- Thank you.
I love this dashing picture
of you from your high school yearbook.
You know what's interesting
about this photo?
It's a color photo.
That's my point!
That's what I've been saying.
I love this dashing photo of you
from high school.
Well, now you're being cruel.
That was the year I was voted
Most Likely to Marry a Cousin.
It's even got your grade point average
up there.
I'll tell you what I love
about this photo.
It proves
that anyone can make it.
Tell us about this photo, Steve.
I call this picture...
"Hello, ladies."
"Goodbye, ladies."
This is an exclusive.
This is the first photo
of the new border wall.
That'll keep them out.
And this is what it would
look like if cocaine had a face.
Oh, I love this pic. This is
actually you in the actual Oval Office.
Yes, it was.
It was 1994, and you're probably wondering
what I'm doing.
I know what you're doing. Question is,
did Bill Clinton
take you up on your offer?
Now let's take a look at our last photo.
Look how happy you are.
You know,
this was June 28th 2009.
- Thank you, Rain Man.
- You're welcome.
But I remember why you were laughing
and smiling so hard.
- Why?
- I had just told you
that one day we'd be so desperate,
we'd be working together.
You know, Marty and I met on the film
- The Three Amigos.
- Yes.
The Three Amigos, a movie that has been
recently labeled a classic.
Downgraded from masterpiece.
Next stop, just OK.
And it was on that movie
that I first realized
that Marty had this kind of
quirky sense of humor.
We'd only been on the movie a couple of
weeks, so I knew him for two weeks.
And there's a lot of down time
on the movie, so Chevy, Marty, and I
would pass time by playingScrabble
in one of our trailers.
And so we're playing Scrabble.
I look over at Marty, whom I don't really
know, and he's writing a note.
He folds it over and slides it to me,
and it said,
"I will let you ball my wife Nancy
for an E or a Q."
I tend to be competitive.
The Three Amigos was so amazing for me,
you know, because it was my first movie.
And for a first movie,
I'm suddenly put on equal billing
to two massive movie stars.
Or... so they told me.
I remember the opening nightof
The Three Amigos was like out of a movie.
It was insane. It was like, you know,
2,000 people lining Hollywood Boulevard
in front of Grauman's Chinese Theater.
And the studio had asked
the three of us to show up
in our full Three Amigos regalia,
with the hats and the bolero jackets
and the spurs.
But at 4 p.m. that afternoon...
I called Chevy and said, "Let's wear
our tuxes and not tell Marty."
- Bastard!
- I don't care.
- Let's sit and chat.
- Absolutely. If we only had chairs.
- Look at that.
- Oh! Oh, boy, here I go!
Be careful!
All aboard! OK, look at that.
Oh, boy!
- We should have rehearsed that.
- Yeah, it was good.
I love that picture of you so much in
Manhattan seeing a nightclub show.
And I know you grew up
in Hamilton, Ontario,
loving the crooners. Frank Sinatra.
I did. It was odd, because, you know...
I mean, this was the '60s, and all kids
my age, you know, 12, 13, 14,
were the Beatles and the Stones.
But I had this great attic bedroom,
and I had tape recorders
and record players,
and I'd go up and just listen
to the great singers
like Tony Bennett, and I'd listen to
an album, like, eight times in a row,
trying to figure out how he placed notes.
You know?
Pretty good.
But the most amazing thing for me
was Frank Sinatra.
I mean, he was a miracle.
I loved him in the '40s and the '50s,
but in the Swinging '60s...
- But it was the...
- Yeah!
But it's...
When he got into his late 70s...
that was my favorite,
because he was singing
all the wrong material, you know?
- You know?
- You met him, right?
- I did.
- Yeah.
I was terrified to meet him, I think
as often you are of your heroes.
And... But I was at this
unbelievable Hollywood party.
It was September 26th 1992.
- It was at the home of GeorgeSchlatter...
- Oh, yeah.
...the great Hollywood producer
who did Laugh-In.
And you walked into this house
and it was like you were walking into
a Hollywood wax museum.
I mean, everyone was famous.
You looked over there
and Jimmy Stewart
was telling a story about his dog, Sam.
Over there, Katharine Hepburn's
talking to Paul Newman.
She's saying, "I love Sundays, Paul.
I always did.
I wake up very early.
I have a huge bowl of bran.
The next few hours, I am indisposed
and then it's Monday."
But the most amazing moment
of all these people was I look over
and there's a 77-year-old Frank Sinatra
just standing by himself at the bar
with a drink.
So I go, "Oh..."
I have to do this.
So I go up to him and I say...
"Mr. Sinatra...
my name is Martin Short.
You have no idea.
You have no concept
of how big a fan I am of yours."
And he looked at me and said...
"I think I do."
He said, "What are you drinking, kid?"
And I said, "Oh, well,
whatever you're having, Frank."
So he turned to the bartender and said,
"Jack Daniel's."
And the bartender said,
"Straight up or on the rocks?"
But I was nervous. I thought he said,
"Straight up or relaxed?"
So I said, "Oh, I'll have it relaxed."
Frank said, "He said,
'Straight up or on the rocks?'"
So I'd known Frank 15 seconds
and I'd already pissed him off.
You know?
You know, what amazes me
about that story is
you were an adult.
Yes! I was.
You had been around. You were fairly
sophisticated. How old were you?
I was 47.
That proves my point that we always carry
this ounce of naivete with us, no matter
what we've done or where we've been.
You know, and I can prove it.
Marty and I used to go
to St. Barts every Christmas
for a visit with a bunch of friends.
And St. Barts started
as a little funky Island
with little ramshackle restaurants
on the beach,
but through the years, it became
a kind of a celebrity hang-out
and then paparazzi started to show up.
And the goal of the paparazzi
is to get the absolute worst possible
photo of you possible.
I can prove it. Here's a photo of us that
actually ran in the National Enquirer.
Oh, boy, look at that!
Look at that right there.
And they had a perfectly decent photo
of us that they didn't run.
Do you have that? There you go.
- Let me ask you this.
- OK.
I find this fascinating about you.
'Cause you have been...
for, what, eight, nine years now?
No, really.
You have been massively famous
for well over 40 years.
How odd has that been?
Well, obviously,
it's a different kind of life.
And, you know, things happen
that wouldn't happen ordinarily
and you kind of remember them.
Then eventually you just remember
the two or three kind of odd things
that happen, like... Actually,this just
happened a couple of months ago.
I was in Santa Barbara, walking down
the street, and a young girl about 16
came up to me and said,
"Did you do that movie The Jerk?"
And I said, "Yes, I did."
And she said,
"You gonna do another movie?"
It's also perfect circumstance
for left-handed compliments.
They think they're complimenting you
but they're not.
We always screen a comedy movie
to test it to see if it gets laughs.
So we did that in the '80s sometime.
We had a test screening,
and after the movie,
a woman spotted me
and came over and said,
"Oh, I love this movie!
And my husband loved it
and he hates you."
Even my own mother could do it.
I had a movie open one weekend and
on Monday, she called me up and she said,
"Oh. Some friends of mine
went to the movies last weekend,
and they couldn't get in anywhere,
so they went to see yours."
That's a...
That's a Hollywood compliment!
My mother died when she was 91.
And toward the end,
she was a little bit senile,
which is, you know, quite poignant,
but also could be sometimes quite funny.
Once I was talking to her and she said...
"Where's Glenn?" That was my father.
And I said,
"Well, he died three years ago."
And she said...
"Well, that explains a lot."
Oh, that's great!
I love your story
about meeting Frank Sinatra.
I also met some pretty good people too.
I met Cary Grant.
- Wow!
- I met Fred Astaire. I met Elvis.
That was the biggest get of all.
It was about 1970.
I was just a young comedian and I was
opening for Ann-Margret in Las Vegas.
And I knew Elvis was coming to see
the show, because they were friends.
And so I did my act, and now
I'm waiting after the show.
I leave my dressing room door open
'cause I know Elvis is coming back.
I'm just kind of standing there waiting
and he walks by me and looks and goes...
You have an oblique sense of humor."
And then he came in
and we started talking.
And I was very flattered, because
Elvis has a guy whose sole job it is
to get him out of conversations.
So the guy came up and said,
"Elvis, we have to go."
And Elvis said, "It's OK."
And so we talked a little bit more.
And Elvis was a big gun collector.
He liked exotic guns,
engraved things and pearl handles,
and finally, when we ran out
of conversation, he said,
"Wanna see my guns?"
And I said, "Sure."
And so he had three guns on him.
He did.
First one was a little engraved derringer.
He's very safety-conscious.
He took the bullets out
before he handed it to me.
And I'm admiring them and eventually
I'm holding three guns
and Elvis is holding eighteen bullets.
And I'm thinking...
Where is Elvis's guy?
And I realize that
I now have to get my guy
to get me out of conversations
with Elvis.
Not something you'd ever think about!
- It's absolutely true, by the way.
- That's hilarious!
Now I have a question for you.
You do something I don't.
You do characters, impressions.
When you do an impression of someone,
do they ever get mad at you?
When you do a new character,
hopefully they don't find out, you know.
But when you do a new character,
you kind of... You do have to base it
or I do, on someone you've met
in your life, even in your childhood.
It kind of gives the character
three dimensions.
And in the year 1984, '85, I was
a cast member of Saturday Night Live.
the head of makeup that year
was a woman named Marion Siebert.
And Marion was the most defensive
human being you'd ever met in your life.
You'd sit in her makeup chair.
And she always chain-smoked.
You could do that inside in 1984 then.
And she'd be dabbing your makeup
and smoking.
And you'd say, "Gee, Marion,
I look a little pale, don't I?"
And she'd say, "I know that!
I'm a makeup artist. I would know that."
"Sorry!" You know?
So about a month later,
Billy Crystal, Christopher Guest,
Harry Shearer and I
are writing a satiric piece
on 60 Minutes.
I was going to play the defensive
lawyer who always represents the bad guy.
And we called him Nathan Thurm.
But I didn't know how to play it.
I didn't know I should do it.
And Billy Crystal said,
"Why don't you do it as Marion Siebert?
You impersonate her behind her back
all the time anyway."
And I said, "No, but she'll find out."
"She won't know," he said.
"They never know," he said.
So I said, "OK, good idea. I'll do it."
So I even got a cigarette,
same brand as Marion's,
but I put a wire in it,
so that as it burned down,
the ash would never fall off,
you know?
So I go to the set,
and I forget that Marion is there,
of course,
because she's the head of makeup.
So she's over there.
I'm here with my cigarette.
Harry Shearer is playing Mike Wallace
and he says,
"Mr. Thurm, you've admittedyour client
was breaking the law at that point."
I say, "I know that!
You don't think I know that?
I'm a lawyer. I would know that."
And the director goes,
"Cut! He's sweating."
Marion says, "I know that! You don't
think I know that? I'm a makeup artist."
It was insane.
But, you know, whena character
becomes popular on SNL,
you're kind of expected to do it again.
And every time I did Nathan Thurm,
I was terrified I would get caught,
and I never got caught.
But then after the last show,
there was a big, big, big party.
And Marion's assistant got drunk.
He went into her office and said, "Marion!
How stupid are you?
Don't you know that you're Nathan Thurm?
Everybody else does!"
And she was devastated.
She was so upset, you know,
and she came up and she confronted me.
She said, "I thought you were my friend."
And I said, "Marion, I am your friend.
But you know that...
impersonation is the highest form
of compliment."
She said, "I know that. You don't think
I know that? I read books. I know that."
Now, Marty, there's a piano over there
and I think you are underrated
as a singer, which I completely get.
I'm wondering, would you do a tune for us?
Well, I mean...
I suppose I...
I suppose I could. That is...
if you'd really like me to.
Well, you heard them.
A resounding no.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Martin Short.
Thank you.
Thank you, Steve.
Boy, does his cologne linger or what? Wow!
It's so nice for me to perform with
someone who's a potential organ donor.
I'm going to keep this brief,
because I left my Uber driver waiting
and you know how testy
Steve Bannon can get. So...
But I adore Steve Martin. I really do.
He's one of my oldest friends.
Steve and I are like Donny and Marie
without the sexual tension.
We go together like Ellen DeGeneres
and a vest.
I mean, it's a team, is what I'm saying.
And hanging out with Steve Martin,
well, it's a lot like the movie
It's all fun and games
until the banjos come out.
Thank you.
Now, you know,
when Steve plays his banjo...
I like to close my eyes and pretend
I'm on hold with Cracker Barrel.
One time I asked Steve... I said,
"What would you be doing if you weren't
a talented comedic actor?" He said...
"Probably what you're doing."
But I'm so happy
to be here tonight.
Although that could be the Vicodin
and Xanax talking, but I don't think so.
Because for me, there's no...
greater high than performing
in front of a live audience.
No greater high.
In fact, the only difference
between you people
and pure-grade pharmaceutical morphine...
is that morphine doesn't judge.
Of course, performing live,
you have to stay fit.
You know, I've been on Jenny Craig
more times than Mr. Craig.
But you know... Listen. Let me tell you.
There is a lot of pressure
to stay looking good in show business.
stay looking good.
There are of course many rules
in show business.
You always take penicillin
after a Leonardo DiCaprio pool party.
When you pick up Kevin Hart, you always
have to remember to cradle the neck.
You never sneak up on Gwyneth Paltrow
during a cleanse.
That can be a mistake.
Always let Steve Harvey's mustache
sniff your hand before you pet it.
I mean...
You never embark on a conversation
with Matthew McConaughey
without an exit strategy.
You never say to Bill Cosby,
"Hey, Bill. Could you fix my wife
a drink?" You don't do it!
You don't do it, Jeff.
It's interesting.
On the cab ride here tonight...
Because the Peace Center
wouldn't send a car.
I was reflecting on the original impetus
of why I wanted to...
- Ow!
- Oh, for God's sake!
How does something like that happen?
Hey, say hello to Jeff Babko, everyone.
The fabulous Jeff Babko!
Keyboard player for Jimmy Kimmel Live!
every night,
- Thank you.
- We love you, Jeff.
You know, he's one of my oldest friends.
He was there when all three
of my children were conceived.
I know 'cause I was out of town
making a movie at the time.
Anyway, Jeff, thank you
for being here tonight.
Great to be here, Marty.
I was thinking today at the hotel
earlier about my musical training
and I know we've talked about it before,
but I learned so much about timing
and its relationship
to harmony and melody in music,
and it reminded me
of the important kind of
symbiosis that...
Oh, I'm sorry.
You've got to stop talking now because...
- that was really a dull story.
- I wasn't quite done.
I mean, people think
pills killed Marilyn Monroe.
You stopped by. That's what happened.
I have the legs of a marionette, don't I?
Look at that.
First of all, no muscle tone.
That's one of the...
I think these socks were a mistake.
They worked in the drawer, I'll tell you.
I think they're a little Wizard of Oz-y
for their own good.
Can't you just see the house landing
on the witch and this thing happening?
- How does a man sit on a piano? It's...
- Not like that.
This isn't good. You can't do that.
This is a little coy, I think.
Little gentle here.
Well, I'll just leave it like that.
- Down.
- What?
- Down.
- Oh. Come on!
On the carriage ride here tonight...
'Cause I love to pamper myself.
...the driver said, "What is the name
of the film you made I hated?"
And I thought,
"Oh, my God, he knows my work."
Then it dawned on me.
Here's a man who hates me for my work,
but doesn't know me well enough
to hate me for who I am.
So that's why tonight I'm going
to tell you a little bit about my life,
a little bit about my journey.
As you may or may not know, I'm Canadian.
That's it?
- Are we at war?
- Two people.
We're the aliens you don't deport.
I just turned 67 years of age.
No work.
No work.
I know you're thinking, "No kidding!"
'Cause cosmetic surgery
doesn't work on a man.
You know, you get this look.
No, I've just lost weight.
Wonderful story!
No one says,
"Who's that 38-year-old dude?"
They say, "Who's the 67-year-old
who's been in a fire?"
Wonderful story!
Anyway, my first love
has always been the theater.
Then comes movies and television
and then my family.
I have three children.
One of each.
I grew up in a house filled with love.
In that our cousin lived with us
and she put out. And...
She used to say,
"It's better to have loved a Short
than never to have loved a tall."
Clever Lena is what we called her.
More than anything in the world...
I adored my parents.
Especially my mom.
God rest her soul.
She's not dead yet.
But it's not looking good,
I'll tell you that much.
My father was a little more complicated.
You know, he was Irish.
So there was a lot of...
I used to say, "Dad, why make that noise?
Just drink the gin," you know.
I don't know if anyone's had a parent
who tippled...
but my father...
What are you staring at?
My father...
Very successful guy.
You know, Vice President
of Canadian Steel.
But he loved to take a sip.
And the second he got home from work,
he would have a gin and ginger, no ice.
As the Irish do.
And he would sip and sip and sip
until he went to bed,
and then on the weekends,
he'd drink all weekend.
He wouldn't start that early,
seven in the morning. And...
Around three in the afternoon
on a Saturday,
you'd look over at him.
It wasn't like he was slurring,
but you suddenly realized
his hair was drunk.
You know?
He was always
teaching the secret of golf.
You know, Marty...
I was talking to this Jewish chap
at the club.
Goldberg or Silver or Bronstein.
I can't remember. I know there was
a precious metal involved in his name.
He said to me, "You know, Charlie,
I'm half-Irish and I'm half-Jewish."
And I said, "You know, Stan...
I am from Crossmaglen, County Armagh.
And in Armagh,
we have a term for someone
who is half-Irish and half-Jewish.
We call them a Jew."
Anyway, Marty, did you hear about
the blind prostitute?
You had to hand it to her.
Then the fights would start, you know.
But I was the youngest of five, so I could
sneak off to my fabulous attic bedroom,
where everything was bliss,
and I'd listen to Frank and Tony.
But eventually I had to leave the attic.
Mainly because I was 23 years of age
and my parents had sold the house.
But where was I to go?
The year... 1972.
And at that time, Off-Off-Broadway
was obsessed with two things.
Religious musicals
and full frontal nudity.
I auditioned for Jesus Christ Superstar.
But I didn't get it.
Then I auditioned for Hair.
And I didn't get it.
Then I auditioned for an all-nude...
tribal rock musical
of the second-greatest story ever told.
Step-Brother to Jesus.
And a terrible thing happened.
I got it.
Hello, ladies.
I know what you're thinking.
Remember it's the theater.
Objects may appear smaller
than they actually are.
Don't pity me.
My rock bottom
is still your wildest dreams.
Top that, motherfucker.
Martin Short, ladies and gentlemen.
You know, people on crack ask Marty,
"Hey, can you slow down just a bit?"
This is a banjo and...
Thank you.
There's a big difference
between the banjo and the guitar.
The banjo has a round pot, it's called,
with a skinhead stretched over the top
and it projects the sound outward,
and the guitar can get you laid.
You always have to tune.
It's very hard
to tune a stringed instrument
in an environment like this
with the air conditioning
and the heat of the lights..
It's kind of a...
You know, a physics issue.
I could teach it to you,
but it's probably...
It's pretty sophisticated.
Well, I'll give it a go.
See, what happens is...
the photons...
come down and strike the protons
and that agitates the muons...
and the gluons
so that the moron can play.
You know, I was once asked...
"Steve, when your imagination goes dry,
how do you replenish
your creative vessel?"
And I said, "Really, can you just finish
the prostate exam?"
But I do write songs, and every once
in a while, I'm asked,
"Steve, where do you get your ideas
for songs?"
And I find the best ideas
come in the silences.
The silence of a sunrise.
The silence of a sleeping baby.
The silence on a woman's face
while making love to her.
Young inventive banjo players
come up to me and say,
"Steve, how can I get my music
out in front of people like you have?"
I always say the same thing. Two things.
"One, be very creative.
Don't let anyone tell you
how to write your music.
And two, already be famous."
I was raised in the '60s
in the era of the protest song,
with Joan Baez and Pete Seeger
and Bob Dylan.
And I always loved that music, but I never
wrote a protest song in my life
until about three and a half years ago.
This song just came to me
and I thought, "I must mean this.
This has really come from my heart."
It's called "Let's Keep the Minimum Wage
Right Where She's At."
I don't have anything. All right.
Here's a medley of a couple of banjo
songs I've written through the years.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
The Steep Canyon Rangers,
ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you.
You know, I've been playing the banjo
for over 50 years.
I'm relatively new to playing
live on stage with a band.
It's a discipline,
and it takes some practice.
And I'll be honest with you.
Some nights I come off stage
and think, "Wow, I played great tonight.
Other nights I think,
"I wish I'd played better."
So I went to check out
this live performance thing
and I went to see
Eric Clapton play live.
And I thought...
"He's not so funny."
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like
to take a moment to recognize the band.
I guess. I don't know.
You know, Marty and I
love this band, actually.
The Rangers have this beautiful tour bus,
and it's really nice.
After each show, we all go out there
and hang out.
And the instruments come out
and a little wine, maybe.
We talk about how the show went,
and it's kind of a beautiful thing.
It's a blast, obviously.
Sometimes there's tears.
And I told Marty, I said,
"We're not gonna be doing this forever.
We gotta get a photo of the Rangers
in their tour bus for our memory box."
We got a great picture. Can you show that?
Actually, I'm happy right now
to have this time alone,
because I can talk about
one of my favorite things
without my work wife in the way.
It's the parts of the banjo.
People always ask me,
"Can you name the various parts
of the banjo?" And I...
[imitates "Amazing Grace"
as played by bagpipes"
That you laughed at that
makes me very disappointed in you.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
some of you may know I started out
as a magician and juggler,
but what you may not know
is that I also started out
as a ventriloquist,
and I'd like to show you
some of those skills tonight.
My little wooden-headed friend,
Jiminy Glick.
- Hello!
- Wow!
Isn't it wonderful to be here, Steve?
I love Greenville!
What a wonderful town.
Look how sexy the audience is.
Look at that lady.
I love the ladies, Steve.
And she's wearing a low-cut dress.
I wish my fingers were scissors
and I'd snip those straps
and release the hostages.
Oh, Jiminy!
What a handsome man you are.
Look at you!
Your teeth are so white.
Your smile is like an email from Grandma...
All caps.
Now, Jiminy, you hang out
with the big celebrities.
Well, clearly this is my night off.
- You're one of the great critics of style.
- Thank you.
So I thought we'd take a look
at some photos of people in the news
and you can tell us whether you think
they do or do not have style.
Oh, I think this is wonderful
and fun-sounding.
- Let's take a look.
- Let's take a look at our first picture.
Oh, Kim Kar... Well, she's a lovely girl,
Steve. But you know,
she's not bright.
- Oh, that's not nice!
- No, please.
She thinks soy milk
is Spanish for "I am milk."
- Of course, I was at her wedding.
- Ooh!
Oh, yes. Her dress was stunning.
Kim wore white because, you know,
she can be ironic.
But let's see Kim without all that makeup.
There you go.
But you know what, Steve?
You can't deny the lady has style.
She does. Who's next?
- Bernie Sanders.
- Bernie Sanders.
Well, Bernie Sanders,
everybody felt the bern.
But the reality was, he didn't have
a chance to be president.
- That's terrible. Why?
- Too old.
Oh, Steve, he's 76 years old.
At his age, the only time
he doesn't have to pee
is when he's peeing.
And how did he find time
to run for president
and then sit in the balcony
and heckle the Muppets? It's a gift.
- But the man has style, yes.
- OK. Who's next?
- The Queen.
- The Queen.
- Oh, I'd like to mount her!
- Jiminy!
- You know that she is 92 now, Steve?
- Uh-huh?
For her birthday, Prince Charles
gave her an engraved bracelet.
What did it say?
"Do not resuscitate."
- Next!
- Who's next?
Jared and Ivanka.
This is interesting, Jiminy.
Ivanka converted to Judaism
when she married Jared.
Haven't the Jews suffered enough?
- But Jared is an interesting dude.
- How?
- He likes surprise sex in the morning.
- Yeah.
So he's gonna love prison.
Who's next?
Hillary Clinton.
You know, she's the only woman
who can swear under oath
that she never had sex with Bill Clinton.
Ted Cruz.
And I thought I had a stick up my ass.
Who's next?
Dave Letterman, our good friend.
I love Dave Letterman!
Here's what I don't get.
Dave looks like that,
but you're the one who plays the banjo.
I wonder how long he waited
before eating the other survivors?
- Next!
- Let's move on.
Oh, my God,
someone dehydrated Ann Coulter.
No, that's Kellyanne Conway.
Oh! I thought my string cheese
had come to life.
- Kim Jong-un.
- Kim Jong-un.
Gee, he looks likea bouncer
in a lesbian bar, doesn't he?
Someone's making up for hisshort-range
missile, I'll tell you that much.
Looks like someone put a wig
on a Butterball turkey.
- The man has no style.
- No style? OK.
- No style.
- Who's next?
Oh! I had no idea David Spade
was transitioning.
Anderson Cooper looks terrible.
No, that's Mike Pence.
Oh, my! This guy is so white,
he makes you look like
a member of the Wu-Tang Clan.
He won't have sex because he's afraid
it will lead to dancing.
You know, Steve, that's his orgasm face.
It's the same thing.
Who's next? Oh!
Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
Oh, I loved her as Mrs. Doubtfire.
She looks like the "before" person
in an Imodium ad.
Do that again. Really, come on. Jeez!
She looks like the...
First of all, you're making me laugh.
- Just pick me up!
- Come on!
Yeah. Jeez!
- She looks like...
- I don't know!
- Here. For God's sake, let me do it.
- No, don't you do it.
Ready? She looks like the "before" person
in an Imodium ad.
- We should not have done it again.
- I know.
- But you insisted.
- Yeah.
How is she not named Bertha?
I don't get it.
- Next!
- OK. Who's next?
Uh-oh! Looks like the Keebler Elf
ate the inventory.
That is Newt Gingrich.
Oh! Gee, I was getting confused
with Susan Boyle.
I'd be hard-pressed to say
- that dude has style.
- OK. Thank you, Jiminy.
Who's next?
What a brilliant idea
by President Donald J. Trump.
He got Vladimir Putin
riding the border, looking for Mexicans.
All right, Jiminy,
I can't bear this any more.
But I have so much more to say!
That's what I'm afraid of.
I'll let you stand on your own two feet.
This is a terrible mistake!
I'll walk. Maybe I'll start running.
Oh, boy!
Well, ladies and gentlemen, we have come
to the end of our show.
Oh, don't worry.
The show is far from over.
Your ticket allows you to load the sound
equipment into the van after the show.
Let's bring back Marty,
ladies and gentlemen. Here he comes.
Thank you!
May I say I would not be here
on stage tonight if not for you.
Thank you for driving.
And can I say that this audience
is the greatest audience
that we have ever played.
- I think so.
- You are so generous and fabulous.
We love you like family.
Better than family!
- Let's toast them.
- Let's give them a toast.
This is our favorite part of the show.
- Give them a toast, Steve.
- To you, the wonderful audience
here in South Carolina. We've had
a great time. Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
Spumante with two Sweet'N Lows.
Just the way I like it.
And I'd like to thank
my fabulous musical director,
the talented, the affable,
and somewhat limited
Jeff Babko right there.
Thank you, Jeffrey!
And let's bring back the incredible
Steep Canyon Rangers.
You know, Marty, it's the end of our time
here in South Carolina
and I woke up this morning
feeling a little sentimental.
And you know how I do like to write songs,
that I get inspired once in a while,
and I wrote a little tune that kind of...
celebrates our friendship.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah. I wrote some lyrics
and I thought maybe we could do it
tonight. Your lyrics are in black
and then I have mine in blue
and I will teach you the melody.
Oh, don't worry about that, Steve.
All your melodies sound the same.
You wrote this today?
I did, and I gotta say, you know, I...
had a few moments of emotionality,
I thought.
My wife thinks Marty and I are too close,
but we resolved that
by getting one of those beds
with the adjustable Sleep Numbers.
It does work.
Oh, thank you.
What's that gotta mic?
I mean, I knew you were talented, but...
You said, "Top that, motherfucker."
- So you wrote this today?
- I did.
- Well, I'm moved.
- Listen to it once.
All right.
- My friend Steve Martin!
- My friend Martin Short!
- Ta-da!
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
- Thank you!
- Thank you!
I love this end the best.
- This is my end.
- Thank you all.
Very nice. Thank you.
I love this end the best!
Thank you.
Good night.
Thank you very much.
- Ta-da!
- Thank you. Good night, everybody.
Good night.
Thank you so much.
Please be seated.
Now, we thought we were done.
But we went offstage and there was
a lawyer from Netflix there,
telling us that we are obligated
to do five more minutes.
So I guess this is our encore.
Now, I know there are
varying ticket prices tonight
and it never seemed fair to me
that people who paid less
should have the same encore experience...
as those who paid more. So if you did
pay less, do the right thing...
Cover one eye or one ear. Hit it, guys.
Oh, well...
Take it home, Stevie!
Guys, that's five minutes.
- Good night.
- Good night, everybody
Thank you.
Thank you, Steven.
Thank you.
Good night, guys.
Thank you all. Good night.
You've been great!
- Good night.
- Good night. Bye-bye.