Steve Rannazzisi: Breaking Dad (2015) Movie Script
(Steve)
Focus. Relax.
Focus. Come on.
Nothing else is bothering you.
There's no one else here.
[hard rock music]
[baby crying]
Mommy, I'm peeing!
Just you and the audience.
Hot wife
or supportive wife?
I just have to concentrate.
- Whatever.
- Here we go, buddy.
It's go time.
Ugh!
All right.
How about a "good luck"?
What do you think?
Oh!
Oh-ho!
Oh, you're evil.
(man)
Ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome
the one and only
Mr. Steve Rannazzisi!
[cheers and applause]
Thank you very much, Boston.
Thank you very, very, very much.
How's everybody doing up there?
You guys good?
Excellent.
Excellent.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you guys very much.
Thank you.
Thanks for coming out.
Lot of couples
I see in the front row.
Date-night people.
Weekend date nights.
You guys are pros.
Good job.
You did it right.
You got dressed up.
You took her out on a weekend.
Probably sweating right now,
wishing you were at home.
But you did the right thing.
You're professionals.
Weekday date-night people,
those are the couples
that I like to hang out with.
You get to see the greatest
couples in the world
on the weekdays,
couples who hate each other.
The old, grizzled veterans.
I love it.
It's my favorite thing to do.
I just watch them.
They just sit there
and stare at each other like,
"Oh. Isn't this great?
I love you."
Now modern technology's
changed that, though.
Now they have, like,
other things to do.
Like, the waiter will come over,
take their order,
then walk away.
He pulls out his phone.
He starts playingCandy Crush
with the sound on.
She's gotFifty Shades of Grey
on an e-book, reading it.
She's, "Mm,
this is interesting."
We had a date night
not too long ago.
It was a great,
great date night.
Great dinner.
Good conversation.
Went home. We were
having sex with each other.
And--that's not the funny part.
That's normal.
That's what we do.
Date nights for married people
is scheduled sex.
That's really what it is.
So we were doing it,
and it was one
of those sexual sessions
where, in the middle,
I, like, had this
out-of-body experience
where I was, like,
talking to myself,
and I was like, "Dude, you're
doing really good right now.
Like, she is super into this."
Like, it's almost like a pitcher
pitching a perfect game.
I was like, "All right,
don't talk to yourself.
"Don't [bleep] this up.
Just stay on target."
You know, I thought that the
chicken parm I ate for dinner
would have slowed me down.
It didn't, guys.
It carb-loaded me.
It pushed me further.
Then we were done.
We high-five each other,
like we do.
"Yeah. Good job."
Went to bed.
And then in the middle
of the night, I was like--
I had that feeling of,
"I want to do that again."
Like, I think
that I can accomplish
that level of joy again.
So I was like, "All right."
I tap my wife on the shoulder.
"Babe! Babe!"
She wakes up.
She's like, "What?
What is it? The kids?"
And I was like,
"Nah. It's this dick!"
[cheers and applause]
She was like, "What?"
And I was like, "Oh"--
it's the first time.
I was like, "Oh, maybe she's
not as excited about this dick
as I am."
So I was like,
"Eh! What about this dick?"
And she's like,
"We did it. It was great.
"Thank you very much.
It was so good.
"I'll see you next Wednesday.
You're the love of my life.
Thank you."
Then I got a little depressed.
I was like, "Oh."
Man.
We used to do it multiple times.
I don't know--
why don't we do that anymore?
Like, what slowed us down?
And the only thing
I could think of
is, really, just space.
Like, physical space.
We used to live in a
350-square-foot apartment.
We'd just stand
and stare at each other.
No other distractions,
nothing.
I mean, we slept in a twin bed.
Every night
we'd just roll over,
and sometimes I would
just be inside of her.
I didn't even know why.
It was likeTetris.
It was like that piece--
"That's where that fits. Okay.
We'll worry
about the rest later on."
That was it.
Now we sleep on a California
king Tempur-Pedic.
Yeah!
We have sex. We're done.
We high-five each other.
I roll over three times.
I'm in my own hemisphere.
I could probably
have sex with somebody else
on my side of the bed;
she wouldn't even know about it
unless I told her.
That's the Tempur-Pedic
commercial I want to see,
by the way.
You know?
[bleep] that wine glass
going up and down.
I want to see one dude just
[bleep] drilling somebody else
where he was like--
"I'm with stupid" T-shirt.
You'd sell a shit-ton
of beds that way.
Plus we got two kids.
So if you have kids,
you need a big bed.
You do.
Because by 6:00 in the morning,
my shit looks
like a Haitian float.
There's, like,
ten people hanging on.
Half of them are naked.
Smells like piss everywhere.
There's crumbs of food
on the ground.
Speaking of floats
and rafts,
my favorite story from last year
is still the Rob Konrad story.
And maybe some of you
know about it, but--
Rob Konrad used to be
a professional football player
for a couple of years.
He played for Miami.
Then he retired.
And he lives in Florida,
in Miami,
with his wife and his kids.
And last year, he was fishing
about ten miles
off the shore of Miami,
and as he's fishing--
he's by himself--
a rogue wave comes
and knocks him off the boat
and then capsizes
the whole boat.
So now this guy's
in the middle of the ocean,
6:00 at night,
in a life vest.
No boat.
No one's around.
So what does this guy do?
He swims nine miles
back to the shore of Miami
in the dark, in the ocean,
at night.
Nine [bleep] miles.
I have no comprehension of what
that must have felt like.
I'm gonna--let me ask you
a question, okay?
You're put in
the exact same situation, sir.
How many miles do you
think you make it? Honestly.
Be honest with yourself and
all the people that are here.
- A quarter mile.
- Did you say a quarter mile?
[laughter and applause]
A quarter mile's very honest.
A quarter mile is--yes.
That's an honest answer, sir.
That's like not
giving up too soon,
but you're like,
"I'm gonna give it an effort,
but there's no [bleep] way
I'm making it to the beach."
Here's how far I would make it.
I would swim until
something grazed my foot--
a sea creature--
and then I would just be like,
"Click, click, click, click.
Blub, blub, blub, blub."
Right to the bottom
of the [bleep] ocean.
Done.
Done!
Sea creatures
touching my feet?
No, thank you!
If someone else's foot
touches mine in a hot tub,
I'll barf everywhere.
I'll [bleep] a hot tub party up.
I'll ruin it.
Nine miles in the ocean!
During the night!
Swam!
Came up on shore
at 6:00 in the morning.
Walked onto the shore.
Just came out of the water.
Which I hope was the night
where some high school kids
were taking acid
and decided to come down,
just hanging out at the beach.
Like, "Right, PJ?
"This is the greatest
night ever, right, man?
What the [bleep] is that?"
Just, "Blurgh!"
Crawling out of the water?
An ex-linebacker?
Covered in seaweed?
Your brain would
never work right again.
They brought him
to the hospital.
He had, like,
over 150 jellyfish stings,
like, all over his body.
Yeah, yeah,
it was horrible.
They gave him shots, ointment,
and then he checked himself
out of the hospital.
Yeah, he released himself.
He was like, "I want
to go home and see my family."
Went home, just
hanging out with his family.
They made him do
a press conference,
and they asked him, "Dude,
what made you swim?
"Like, at some point,
you had to go, 'No, I'm done.
I can't do it anymore.'"
He was like,
"Every time I wanted to stop,
"I just thought of my wife
and my kids,
and I just kept going."
And I was like, "Oh, my God.
Who is this man's family?"
Like, who is his wife?
She must make him pancakes
and [bleep] his dick
while he's eating them.
Right?
His kids must have paper routes
and mow people's lawns
and give him the money.
"Here, Dad. You keep this.
You're gonna need it one day
for us."
Dude, you put me
in that exact same situation
and I got to swim?
Yeah, I'm gonna [bleep] swim,
but I'm going to Cuba, okay?
Everybody thinks I'm dead?
[bleep] this shit!
I'm out of here!
And I would swim,
and I would swim,
and every time I wanted to stop,
I would just hear
my kids in the background:
"Daddy, I want this.
Daddy, I want that."
I'd be passing people on rafts
going this way,
like, "No, no, guys, I'm good.
I know which way I'm going.
I'm going this way."
I'd be the first person to swim
to Cuba for freedom, guys.
[laughter and applause]
Yeah.
When you got kids--
like, we're in the weeds.
Do you guys have kids,
any of you?
Yeah? Couple people?
How old are your kids, ma'am?
She's 20 months? Yeah.
You don't really count yet,
then.
It's not that--
'cause you have one.
One is, like, you can do
zone coverage on one.
You still, like--
zone coverage.
I have two,
so I went from zone coverage
to man-to-man.
Zone coverage is so much easier.
You can go to a barbecue,
and if nobody's in your zone,
you can talk,
you can smoke a joint,
you can do whatever you want.
Zone coverage means
you have cover this area.
"This is my area," okay?
But if there's nobody there,
it's [bleep] game on for Steve.
But as soon as someone comes in,
that's your problem then.
So whenever my son
would come into my area,
I'd be like,
"Hey, Mommy's got a unicorn
"and some gummy bears
over there.
Go find her. Yeah."
Out of my zone.
Not my [bleep] problem anymore.
But now it's man-to-man.
Everyone get your man.
Man up. One-on-one.
We argue on the way to places.
We'll have, like--
in the car.
'Cause you got to figure out
before you get there,
'cause as soon as
the doors open, boom, chaos.
You got to go.
So I'll be like,
"Babe, who do you want?
"Which one do you want?
Do you want diapers or chaos?
What do you want in your life?"
She's like, "I want
the six-year-old."
I'm like, "Okay.
"Honestly, you can't handle
the six-year-old.
"You can't.
He's too fast for you, babe.
"Have you seen him run?
"You're wearing heels.
"You're gonna tear an ACL
or twist an ankle
"in front of all
our friends and family.
"If he goes on you,
"you got to pull his hair
and trip him to the ground.
"People are gonna
look at you weird,
"but that's on them;
that's not on you.
We got to do
what we got to do to survive."
Yeah.
My six-year-old's fast.
And he's a good boy too.
He's turned into a really,
really good kid.
He's sweet and he's kind,
and he doesn't have to be,
because he's
really good-looking.
Yeah.
Like, he's, like,
'80s bad boy good-looking.
Like Billy Zabka,
"Sweep the leg,"
I'm [bleep] badass"
good-looking.
"[bleep] yourself. I don't
have to be nice to anybody."
Yeah, he's got these
big brown eyes,
and he just looks at you
and just melts your heart.
Like, he knows
he's good-looking too.
That's what he does.
He uses it to his advantage.
Like, he practices looks.
Like, he'll come into the room
and be like, "Daddy,
what do you think about this?"
I'm like, "Buddy,
that's a pretty good look."
"Yeah, I know."
Yeah, he practices looks
so he can melt our hearts.
And that's the problem,
is that I can't discipline him
the way I want to.
Like, I want
to get upset with him
and tell him
what he's done wrong,
but he just looks at me
and just melts me.
The only way
I can describe it is,
imagine you walked in
on your wife or your girlfriend
having sex with Ryan Gosling,
okay?
You're gonna walk into the room.
You're gonna see her
going at it with someone.
You'll be like, "What
the [bleep]'s going on here?"
And then all of a sudden,
Ryan Gosling's
just gonna look up at you.
And you're gonna be like, "Dude,
"not cool, but kind of
really [bleep] cool, babe.
"Holy shit!
"How did you get Ryan Gosling,
babe?
"This is nuts.
"All right, you guys finish up.
"I'll be outside,
but, like, babe,
"I want the deets
on this Ryan Gosling thing.
Wow."
Yeah, you wouldn't be able
to get pissed.
But like most beautiful people,
you know, he's jealous.
He doesn't want anyone
pulling focus from him.
He wants
all the attention on him.
So now his brother,
he wants his brother gone.
Gone--and I'm not talking about,
like, out of the house.
I'm talking about murdered,
like, dead.
Out.
Yeah, people talk about jobs.
My job is to tell dick jokes
to strangers at night.
My wife's job
is to keep people alive.
It's like a real-life game
of Clue,
and she has to win every time.
And I have a brother.
We beat each other up
growing up.
You know, physical violence.
That's--I was prepared for that.
It's not what this kid
is interested in at all,
at all.
He's next-level.
For example, my wife
called me up, and she's like,
"I don't know
what to do with this."
I was on the road.
She's like,
"The six-year-old
put a Monopoly piece
"in the three-year-old's
favorite snack
"and then just left it there
like a mousetrap
and then called him over."
He's like, "Jonah, come get
your peanut butter crackers.
"They're right over here.
"Yeah, Mommy said
to eat this one first.
This is the freshest."
And he ate it,
and nothing happened.
And the six-year-old's like,
"Foiled again!"
How do you discipline that?
You're gonna tell that
to go into a time-out?
You're gonna put Jason Bourne
in a time-out?
No, you're not.
No, you're not.
He's gonna snap your neck
and take your passport.
And you're gonna wake up
shirtless in the Philippines.
Yeah, I caught him myself
one time.
It was like--
I'm like, "Oh, my God,
I don't even know
what we're gonna do."
I was in my house,
and I was walking
through my living room--
actually, I wasn't walking.
I was limping,
because I was faking an injury.
My wife wanted to go
pumpkin-picking that weekend,
and I'm not doing
pumpkin-picking
during the NFL season
on a [bleep] Sunday,
so I faked the injury.
I'm like, "Babe, I can't.
"I got--I got to do the--
I got problems."
So I'm faking my injury,
and I'm walking
through the house,
and I see my three-year-old
standing at the top
of our stairs
just kind of like,
"Hey, Daddy!"
Just waving his hand.
"Daddy!"
And my six-year-old
is beautiful.
My three-year-old is...
funny.
The kid is funny.
He's just a funny kid.
It's like I'm raising Black Swan
and Chris Farley.
That's the dynamic I have
happening at my house.
So he's like,
"Hey, Daddy!"
And I'm like,
"Hey, buddy. Come on!"
"Don't stand there.
"You got to come down
or go to your room,
but that's not a good place."
"Daddy!"
And for those of you
who don't have kids,
look, three-year-olds
can walk around, move.
They have--all that is--
they're fine.
But every once in a while,
they just look like they lose
all motor function at once.
Inexplicably,
they look like Kramer
going through a door
onSeinfeld.
They're just [bleep]
all over the place.
So you really got to watch them.
So I'm like, "Buddy, come on.
You got to come down
or go back."
He's like, "Hey!"
He's standing there.
I'm like, "Ah,
I have to go get him."
So I take a step up the stairs.
I'm trying to
limp up the stairs.
And before I get two steps up,
I just see my six-year-old
pop his head out of his room,
and he doesn't see me,
but he sees his brother,
and he's felt weakness.
Yeah, like, in his room,
his little spidey senses
went off,
and he's like, "Oh, it's time
to murder a [bleep]."
And he sees his brother
dangling at the front step,
and he goes for him.
So, again, me being a good dad,
I'm like, "You know what?
"Bullshit.
"Let's just see how
this thing plays out, okay?
"Got carpeted stairs
and an iPhone.
"This is how memories get made.
This is how brothers
become brothers."
So I watched
this son of a bitch--
yeah--I watched him walk up
behind his own brother,
his own flesh and blood,
and he takes him
by the shoulders
and then face first
over the front step like this.
Whap!
But then he holds on to him,
pulls him back,
turns him around,
and looks at him
and goes, "I saved you"
and then disappears
into the shadows.
[laughter and applause]
And I just stood there.
I was like, "Oh, shit,
this kid's a gangster."
He doesn't give a [bleep]
about physical damage.
He's starting from the inside,
guys.
He's building trust up.
That's what they do
at POW camps, by the way.
Yeah, I've got a Guantanamo baby
on my hands at my house.
Gitmo baby.
And I would be really worried--
really worried--if the
three-year-old wasn't so big,
but he's big.
Like, he's gonna be fine.
He's gonna beat the shit
out of the other one one day.
And I cannot wait to watch it.
I cannot.
Big.
My six-year-old's,
like, 50 pounds.
My three-year-old's,
like, 42, I think.
Like, the gap's getting smaller
every day.
He eats like I've never seen
a human being eat in my life.
It's startling to watch
my three-year-old eat.
It should be
a wonder of the world.
We eat dinner
every night at 5:00.
Every night.
Don't come over at 5:30,
fashionably late,
with a bottle of wine.
The shit is done.
The dishes
are in the dishwasher.
It's over.
5:00 every day.
4:30, my three-year-old
walks around our kitchen
like a baby Mario Batali,
just making sure
all the prep work is being--
"Okay, you're gonna do that.
Good.
"A little less yapping and more
peeling of the carrots, please!
Let's go! We're going!"
4:45, he's just
in his high chair,
just sitting there like a nerd
waiting forStar Warsto open.
He's like,
"When's it gonna happen?
I'm so excited!"
4:50, it's just noises.
It's just, "Ouugh!"
Just guttural.
"Ouugh!"
And at 5:00, if you're not
putting the mac and cheese
in front of his face like this,
he goes off
like a disgruntled union leader.
He's like, "What the [bleep]'s
going on around here, huh?
No, nobody's eating!"
He's pissed.
He wants that mac and cheese.
Give it to him;
he's earned it.
Put it in front of him.
He doesn't wait
for anybody else.
Just, "Dat dat dat dat dat!"
Plows it--"dat dat dat dat!"
Pushes his plate away,
gets up, excuses himself.
"I got to go."
"What?
You're three, buddy.
Where are you going?"
"I got to go work out."
I'm like, "All right, fine.
Have fun."
Yeah, I mean--okay,
so we have a new house.
So when you get a house, you got
to do stuff around the house,
and that's just not my--
I'm not good at it.
You know? I'm not.
Do you fix stuff
around the house, dude?
No?
Do you have any skills
in that arena?
Can you do, like, a--
put up, like, a door
or a screen?
- I could try.
- You could try.
Yeah, I could
[bleep] try, too, asshole.
It ain't gonna work.
You could try.
We can all try.
I bought the house
from a guy who had--
he had a 30-foot workbench
in the garage.
Yeah, a 30--
like, he fixed shit.
I moved in.
I brought my tool kit.
And I was--first of all,
should I hold
the tool kit like this?
Brought my tool purse with me.
Just placed it down over there.
Yeah, I have a tool kit.
It has two screwdrivers in it,
and they both have
this thing at the top.
Whatever this is,
I got two of 'em.
People come over, like,
"Do you have a screwdriver?"
I'm like, "Well,
I got this one and this one.
This one's a little bit bigger
than this one."
We have an electrical outlet
in our room that doesn't work,
and my wife's like, "Do you know
why this socket doesn't work?"
And I was like, "I don't know."
And she's like, "That's it?
That's your whole answer?
'I don't know?'"
I'm like, "Well, do you want
to know what's in my head, babe?
"What's in my head,
it's because the magic fairies
"that take the electricity
to the rest of the house
"don't know this one's here.
Which narrative do you want
to go with, love of my life?"
How does water go upstairs?
Anybody answer that!
How...
does it go up?
Up the pipe?
I stare at my upstairs toilet--
these are the things
that keep me up at night.
I stare at my upstairs toilet,
and I'm just like,
"If you break,
"I'm gonna have to call David
Blaine to come fix this shit.
I don't know magic."
Winding down
on the Little League season.
Coach my son's
Little League team.
(man)
Whoo!
Yeah, don't--no, don't.
We're 2-14.
It ain't going well.
I'm the manager.
I would have fired myself
two weeks ago
if I had the authority.
Yeah, I'm the only guy
that helps out on the team.
Like, I'm the manager,
the coach,
the equipment person,
the snack bitch.
I do it all.
Nobody else cares.
Nobody else
wants to be involved.
Nobody, and I got
17 kids on my team.
17!
That does not seem right at all.
I don't know if any of you guys
are sports buffs out here,
but there are nine positions
in baseball.
I got 17 six-year-olds.
Try to sit a six-year-old.
I tried it the first week.
I sent nine of them out there.
I sat eight of them
down on the bench,
and they're just staring at me,
and I'm like,
"Oh, see all your friends
out there having fun?
"Look at that kid.
Look at him!
"He just caught the ball! Yeah!
"Sit on the bench and watch him.
Go ahead.
Study the game.
You'll fall in love with it."
No, they [bleep] hated it.
They're running around.
So now I send them all
out there.
I send all 17 out there.
"Here we go!
"Tyler, short-shortstop,
"right next to
second-second base.
"Go get it, buddy.
"Yup, Mason, go walk
around the field,
"pick up the cigarette butts,
put them in your hat, buddy.
"Get the whole perimeter.
"You know how you do it.
"Jackson, go follow him.
Make sure he doesn't eat them.
Just bird-dog him for me, okay?"
17.
And they're cute.
You know, they're six.
They got their little gloves
and uniforms and hats.
And they're standing
out in the field.
And, really, the only thing
they have in common
is that not one of them
gives a [bleep] about baseball.
Not one kid wants to be there.
Not one.
Now, I have a kid
who goes out to right field,
and he throws--
he brings a soccer ball with him
and he plays soccer.
He practices his soccer drills.
Right in right field.
It'sBend It Like Mason
in right field.
I got another kid
who combs the infield dirt
looking for the biggest rocks
he can find,
and he picks them up,
and he throws them at the kids
on the other bench.
Not interested
in the game at all.
Rocks at [bleep] kids.
Unbelievable arm, by the way.
Fantastic arm.
Take the rock out of it,
put a baseball into it,
it's like pissing in the wind.
He's all over the place.
Put the rock back in,
he's like a Middle Eastern kid
fighting back the army, just--
every time.
Right down the middle.
I got another kid
who cups his farts,
walks over to his teammates,
and he just [bleep]
throws them at them like this.
And I made that kid the captain.
That kid is the captain.
Put a C on that kid's chest.
That builds team spirit.
That's camaraderie.
You can't fake that energy.
As I sit on the mound,
six hours a week,
just throwing the ball.
"Come on.
One of you [bleep] just hit
this ball forward, please."
Nobody ever hits
the ball forward, nobody.
It's like the Halley's Comet
of Little League.
It feels like it never happens,
but when it does,
it's magical.
That's when all 17 kids
on the team,
regardless of positioning,
they now check
back into this game,
and they run to that ball.
There is no more team.
It isBraveheart,
every man for themselves.
I've seen fishhooks,
eye gouges,
kids diving
on top of one another,
making a little
six-year-old human pile.
Because they all want that ball,
every one of them.
'Cause that's
the coolest kid of all.
The kid who gets the ball,
he gets to come out of the pile,
raise it over his head,
and then throw it
over to first base.
But guess what.
Nobody's at [bleep] first base,
nobody,
including the kid
that hit the ball.
As soon as he hit it,
he just dropped his bat
and just ran into the pile
to get his [bleep] ball back.
I don't blame him.
That's more fun that running
around some stupid dirt bases.
Yeah.
17 kids, man.
And not one Dominican.
They could not find me
one Dominican kid?
I got Tylers, Chances, Masons.
There wasn't a Raul,
a Manny, a Big Papi
[bleep] hanging out anywhere?
No?
Not for Coach Steve?
Okay. Fine.
All right.
I'm looking at two
12-year-old kids online
for adoption right now.
They're Dominican.
They're very skinny.
I want to get them
over here, guys.
I want to learn about paella.
I want to put them
in school, maybe.
See if they have
a Korean pitcher friend
they can bring with them.
I want to build a winner.
That's all.
Don't put Coach Steve in charge.
I'm gonna win.
'Cause the problem I have
is that the kids on my team,
they don't want
to play baseball.
They don't.
If you asked my son
what he wants to be right now--
Batman.
Superman.
That's it.
That's his jam, superheroes.
He wears a cape.
Like, that's his
everyday outfit.
Underwear, cape.
Like, his cape is his favorite
thing in the world to wear.
He runs around the house,
[bleep] cape,
"Look at me, flying and shit."
So now he wants to wear a cape
to Little League practice.
Yeah, so I'm gonna
ask the parents in here,
what would you do
if your son or daughter
wanted to wear a cape
to Little League practice?
Do--some people say, "Do it."
You are the sensitive people.
No, the answer is,
no capes at Little League
practice, okay?
No.
He came to me,
and he was like,
"Daddy, I want to wear a cape
to Little League."
I'm like, "No, buddy.
No cape at Little League."
"Please, Daddy.
I really want to do it."
"No. Buddy,
you cannot wear a cape."
"Please, Daddy.
It'll make me run faster."
And I'm like, "Fine, [bleep] it.
Wear the red one. Just wear it."
And he wears the red one,
and now once one kid
wears a cape--
yes, that's why
the answer is no.
Once one kid wears a cape,
now all the kids want capes.
All the kids on my team
want capes.
We play--half my team shows up
in capes now.
Half of it.
We play other teams,
those kids see our capes,
and they're like, "Oh, shit,
we want capes too!"
They're telling their parents,
"We want capes!"
Their parents come over,
and they're yelling at me,
and it's such a difference
between the mom and the dads.
The dads come over like, "Dude,
"what's with
the [bleep] capes, man?
"This isn't the Justice League.
Cut this shit out, okay?
It's baseball."
The mothers come over like,
"What you're doing
for those handicapped kids
"is unbelievable, sir.
"Unbelievable.
"Thank you.
You're a pillar
of the community."
My son, he struck out,
which--you don't really
strike out in Little League.
It's more like, "Yeah,
"let's just put that shit down
for a second
and give it a break."
So he was--
it was his turn up
coming up soon,
so he was in the on-deck circle,
and I could see
he was a little nervous.
He was, like, fidgeting
in the on-deck circle.
So I went over to him,
and I'm like, "Hey, buddy.
Don't even worry
about that last time, okay?"
I'm like, "That was crazy.
"This time, you just
concentrate on the ball,
"you swing hard,
you have fun,
and just don't worry about it."
He's like, "All right, Daddy."
He's like, "Daddy, I'm not
gonna strike out on this one."
I'm like, "I know, buddy.
Don't worry about it."
He's like,
"I'm gonna use the force."
And I was like, "Yes, buddy.
Concentrate. Use the force."
So he gets up,
and he's got the bat back,
and he's looking--I can
see him really concentrating.
And then as soon as that kid
lets go of the ball,
my son just drops the bat
and stands there like this,
trying to control it.
The ball comes and smashes
into his little leg,
crumples him to the ground.
Yeah, all the parents,
like, "Oh!"
I'm like,
I didn't know what he meant,
"Use the force" like that!
Who saw that coming?
But to his credit, though,
he got up,
just dusted himself off,
walked over to first base,
and he was like, "See, Dad?
"I told you
that shit would work.
"Look where I'm standing, man.
First base.
"Hit by pitch.
My on-base percentage
is through the roof."
My dad tried to
assistant coach this year.
He showed up at every game,
barking orders from the side.
"Got to tell him to steal!"
"No, Dad, there's no stealing
in Little League."
It's the greatest.
Never stops talking,
my dad, ever. Ever.
He's the LeBron James
of small talk.
It's amazing. Amazing.
We were in an elevator
two weeks ago--
me, my dad,
and a woman from England.
She asked him
to press the button
for, like, a floor,
and he heard her accent,
and he just turns and he's like,
"You from England?"
She's like, "Yeah.
He's like, "You know the queen?"
And I just looked down.
I was like, "Oh, my God."
The second thing
he asks this woman
with an English accent is,
"Do you know the queen?"
This is coming
off of him last fall
being a foreman on a jury,
which, whoever voted him
the foreman--
I was like, "This justice system
has to be fixed."
Who voted this man
as the foreman?
He would text me
all the information--
yeah--of the trial
during the breaks,
everything that happened
from the last break.
He'd be like, "Yeah,
and then he did this."
I'm like, "Dad, I'm pretty sure
this is illegal."
He's like, "I'm pretty sure
what that guy did was illegal."
Two wrongs
don't make a right, Dad.
I don't know what you're doing.
He talks so much that my mom
has now instituted
a rule at their house
that after 9:00 p.m.,
he's not allowed
to talk anymore--
wait--because--
this is her words, not mine.
This is me just ripping her off.
She goes, "You've used up
all your words for today."
So now my new favorite pastime
is just to go to their house
at 8:30 at night
and start a conversation
with my dad
and just watch,
like, 9:00 roll around.
You hear my mom upstairs.
[clearing throat]
He's like, "Ohh!"
Know your limitations.
That's all.
Know what you're good at;
know what you're not good at.
I'm not good with guns.
I'm not a gun guy.
You a gun guy?
Anyone?
Gun guys?
Yeah, you shoot guys, bro?
What kind of gun you shoot?
AR-15.
Bullshit.
AR-15?
Is that a--one of these?
Like, "Pkew, pkew!"
[indistinct]
Oh, it's one of these [bleep],
huh?
Civilian?
Doesn't sound very civilian.
Can you tell
I know nothing about guns?
Could anyone else do this?
"Pkew, pkew, pkew!"
I shot one bullet my whole life.
I'm not a gun guy.
I was in Edmonton, Canada.
And if you've never been
to Edmonton,
you're doing all right.
You're okay.
You're not missing
anything great.
It's not the worst place,
but it's just--
you know, you're okay.
If you like malls,
you'll love it.
They have the world's
second-biggest mall in Edmonton.
Second-biggest mall
in the world in Edmonton.
I'm talking big.
This mall is gigantic.
It's got two hotels in it
on either end of the mall,
two separate hotels.
They got a water park.
They got an ice-skating rink.
The gig's there,
the whole weekend.
But you're there for five days,
and I'm staying in a hotel
in the mall,
and three days into it,
I'm like,
"I have to--I have to breathe
fresh air.
"Like, what the [bleep] are
they putting in this mall air?
"Why do I end up at Old Navy
every day at 3:30
"for no reason?
I don't want to go
to Old Navy."
So I wanted to go outside,
but you forget
that Edmonton
is negative 54 Canadian
all year round.
And I don't know what that is
in American,
but it is ungodly.
You have to kill something
and wear it
just to survive in the outside.
So I was like, "[bleep] this.
What else does this mall have
to offer me?"
So at 10:30 on a Friday,
I was like,
"Well, today's the day I'm gonna
go shoot a gun."
'Cause they have a gun range
in the mall.
I was like, "Fine, let's go.
Let's have some fun."
I walk upstairs,
go into the gun range.
Nobody's there.
They're all normal.
They're working.
Just the guy behind the counter
sitting there,
just not even smiling,
smoking a cigarette.
And I walked in.
I was like, "Mm."
Like, "I'm pretty sure
that's illegal,
"you smoking inside, sir.
"I know I'm a stranger
in a strange land,
but this is a little
off-putting."
So now I start to walk
towards him,
and he's not friendly.
He's like, "Are you
a member here?"
I'm like, "No.
No, I'm not."
He's like,
"Well, what do you want?"
And now, like I said, I don't
know anything about guns.
I know numbers are good.
So I don't know how to explain
what I want.
So I was like, "Oh, I want a--
like, a 32, 34, probably."
Like, a 34
would be good for me."
He's like, "What, are you
looking for a pair of khakis?
"What the [bleep]
is wrong with you, bro?
Are you lost?"
And I was like, "I don't know.
What's your gun du jour?
Like, do you have a meal deal
or a special I can look at?"
He's like, "You want a handgun?"
I'm like, "Obviously,
when I went like this,
"I [bleep] meant handgun.
This is pretty universal
handgun sign, right?"
So he gives me a handgun.
He gives me
a 9-millimeter handgun,
which I could tell
was not the best one he had,
'cause it had, like, duct tape
around the butt of it,
and it had some dents and shit.
It looked like it pistol-whipped
a hooker
in a Biggie video
in the '90s or something.
This thing's been around.
So he gives me that gun,
the box of 50 bullets,
and the magazine clip.
And so he gives it to me,
and he's like,
"The second door on the left."
So I pick up my stuff,
and I'm walking away.
By the way,
I haven't signed anything yet.
I haven't handed anyone
my license.
I haven't filled out a form.
I haven't watched
an instructional video, nothing.
I've watched
instructional videos
to go on trampolines
with my sons before,
and now I have a gun,
50 bullets,
I'm in a [bleep] mall,
and I'm looking for
the second door on the left?
Is that--okay, fine.
Seems normal.
So now I go back there,
and that's the range part,
where the people shoot the guns.
But nobody's back there;
it's just me.
So now, for the first time
in my life,
I have to pack a magazine clip.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
you got to do that
a specific way, you know?
You can't just throw 'em in
whatever--twisted, backwards.
I get batteries in remotes wrong
half the time,
and now I'm sitting there
trying to jam these bullets
into the clip.
They're falling out.
I'm trying to sprinkle them in
like oregano into sauce.
I'm like, "Maybe that'll work
a little."
Falling out.
I'm showing
the surveillance camera.
I'm like, "Can anyone
come back here
"and help me, please?
I'm struggling."
Nobody gave a shit.
No one came back and helped.
So finally I just put
all that shit down
and I just walked around
with the gun part.
And I just walked
up and down the range.
Every once in a while,
I was like, "What the [bleep]
you say, man? What?"
Like, just, like, "Oh, man.
Bam!"
All I'm saying is,
somewhere there's 30 minutes
of surveillance footage
of me auditioning
for a Jason Bourne movie
they're not making, guys.
So now another guy comes in.
He's got a backpack
filled with guns,
all these guns.
He's got buddies with him,
and they start opening up
their guns,
and they start packing up
all the bullets and shit.
And I'm, like, trying
to cheat off them,
like looking at--"Oh, shit,
that's how--okay."
But nobody has fired
a bullet yet, okay?
That's the important thing
to remember.
No one's shot anything.
So in my mind,
this is something
we're all gonna start together.
You know, like,
someone's gonna come out
and be like, "Hey, guys, welcome
to Jim's Shoot Shack.
"Let's shoot 'em straight
and be safe, everybody.
Here we go."
Yeah, because in my mind--
look, my frame of reference
for this whole thing
is the last time I shot
anything in my life,
I sat there
and then a bell went off
and I fired it
and water came out.
It went into a clown's mouth,
a balloon blew up,
and then a bell went off
and someone won a stuffed frog.
That's how you knew
when it was over.
That's not what happens
at these gun ranges.
I'm still packing my clip up,
and the guy next to me
fires off
what I still believe to this day
was a land-to-air missile
launcher.
It was.
I don't know this [bleep]
got it in there.
I don't know how he assembled it
with no one else looking.
But it was the loudest sound
I had ever heard in my life,
just "boom!"
And I, in the most effeminate
way humanly possible,
just went, "Yee-ahhhhhh!"
And I threw the gun,
the clip, the bullets.
Yard sale.
Half off everything.
People heard my shrills,
they ripped
their ear protection off,
and they looked at me like
I just shot myself in the face
with a handgun.
Everybody's staring at me,
and now I'm so self-conscious.
I'm on the ground,
trying to pick bullets up
and put them back into my box
like a little kid
on an Easter egg hunt.
I'm look, "Oop, there's
another bullet over here.
I just want--excuse me."
Yeah, people are shooting,
"Boom, boom."
I'm like, "Oh, can I just
get in here for a second?
Just gonna get my bullets."
Finally, the guy next to me
just grabs me.
He's like, "Dude, dude,
come here. No.
"You don't get any more bullets,
okay?
"This shit is over, donezo.
"You get one bullet.
You have one in your chamber.
Just shoot the one
that's in your chamber."
And I was like, "Fine.
[bleep] it.
I can do that."
So I put the gun out,
right to the side,
just like I was taught.
And the guy tried to correct me.
I was like,
"Dude, I know what the [bleep]
I'm doing, all right?
Just leave me alone."
And I was like, "Here's looking
at you, kid."
"Pkoo," I shot the bullet
four feet,
directly into the ground,
put the gun down, walked out,
and got day-drunk
at the T.G.I. Friday's
for the third time.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you guys very much.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you all very, very much.
I really couldn't have done it
with you, Boston.
You guys are fantastic.
Thanks for coming out tonight,
everybody.
Thank you, guys.
Good night!
[cheers and applause]
Real quick,
do you guys want to meet
the real stars of the show
for one second?
My two kids?
Hold on.
[cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause]
This is Jackson.
Say hi, Jackson.
Hi, Jackson!
No, not "hi, Jackson."
Perfect.
This is Jonah.
Say hi, Jonah.
- Hi, Jonah.
- Hi, Jonah.
And this is the prostitute
I hired for the night, guys.
She's really pretty.
Thank you, guys.
We had a great time in Boston.
We love all of you.
We'll be back real soon.
You guys are fantastic.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
(man)
Your brains, madam.
[light bulb buzzing]
Focus. Relax.
Focus. Come on.
Nothing else is bothering you.
There's no one else here.
[hard rock music]
[baby crying]
Mommy, I'm peeing!
Just you and the audience.
Hot wife
or supportive wife?
I just have to concentrate.
- Whatever.
- Here we go, buddy.
It's go time.
Ugh!
All right.
How about a "good luck"?
What do you think?
Oh!
Oh-ho!
Oh, you're evil.
(man)
Ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome
the one and only
Mr. Steve Rannazzisi!
[cheers and applause]
Thank you very much, Boston.
Thank you very, very, very much.
How's everybody doing up there?
You guys good?
Excellent.
Excellent.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you guys very much.
Thank you.
Thanks for coming out.
Lot of couples
I see in the front row.
Date-night people.
Weekend date nights.
You guys are pros.
Good job.
You did it right.
You got dressed up.
You took her out on a weekend.
Probably sweating right now,
wishing you were at home.
But you did the right thing.
You're professionals.
Weekday date-night people,
those are the couples
that I like to hang out with.
You get to see the greatest
couples in the world
on the weekdays,
couples who hate each other.
The old, grizzled veterans.
I love it.
It's my favorite thing to do.
I just watch them.
They just sit there
and stare at each other like,
"Oh. Isn't this great?
I love you."
Now modern technology's
changed that, though.
Now they have, like,
other things to do.
Like, the waiter will come over,
take their order,
then walk away.
He pulls out his phone.
He starts playingCandy Crush
with the sound on.
She's gotFifty Shades of Grey
on an e-book, reading it.
She's, "Mm,
this is interesting."
We had a date night
not too long ago.
It was a great,
great date night.
Great dinner.
Good conversation.
Went home. We were
having sex with each other.
And--that's not the funny part.
That's normal.
That's what we do.
Date nights for married people
is scheduled sex.
That's really what it is.
So we were doing it,
and it was one
of those sexual sessions
where, in the middle,
I, like, had this
out-of-body experience
where I was, like,
talking to myself,
and I was like, "Dude, you're
doing really good right now.
Like, she is super into this."
Like, it's almost like a pitcher
pitching a perfect game.
I was like, "All right,
don't talk to yourself.
"Don't [bleep] this up.
Just stay on target."
You know, I thought that the
chicken parm I ate for dinner
would have slowed me down.
It didn't, guys.
It carb-loaded me.
It pushed me further.
Then we were done.
We high-five each other,
like we do.
"Yeah. Good job."
Went to bed.
And then in the middle
of the night, I was like--
I had that feeling of,
"I want to do that again."
Like, I think
that I can accomplish
that level of joy again.
So I was like, "All right."
I tap my wife on the shoulder.
"Babe! Babe!"
She wakes up.
She's like, "What?
What is it? The kids?"
And I was like,
"Nah. It's this dick!"
[cheers and applause]
She was like, "What?"
And I was like, "Oh"--
it's the first time.
I was like, "Oh, maybe she's
not as excited about this dick
as I am."
So I was like,
"Eh! What about this dick?"
And she's like,
"We did it. It was great.
"Thank you very much.
It was so good.
"I'll see you next Wednesday.
You're the love of my life.
Thank you."
Then I got a little depressed.
I was like, "Oh."
Man.
We used to do it multiple times.
I don't know--
why don't we do that anymore?
Like, what slowed us down?
And the only thing
I could think of
is, really, just space.
Like, physical space.
We used to live in a
350-square-foot apartment.
We'd just stand
and stare at each other.
No other distractions,
nothing.
I mean, we slept in a twin bed.
Every night
we'd just roll over,
and sometimes I would
just be inside of her.
I didn't even know why.
It was likeTetris.
It was like that piece--
"That's where that fits. Okay.
We'll worry
about the rest later on."
That was it.
Now we sleep on a California
king Tempur-Pedic.
Yeah!
We have sex. We're done.
We high-five each other.
I roll over three times.
I'm in my own hemisphere.
I could probably
have sex with somebody else
on my side of the bed;
she wouldn't even know about it
unless I told her.
That's the Tempur-Pedic
commercial I want to see,
by the way.
You know?
[bleep] that wine glass
going up and down.
I want to see one dude just
[bleep] drilling somebody else
where he was like--
"I'm with stupid" T-shirt.
You'd sell a shit-ton
of beds that way.
Plus we got two kids.
So if you have kids,
you need a big bed.
You do.
Because by 6:00 in the morning,
my shit looks
like a Haitian float.
There's, like,
ten people hanging on.
Half of them are naked.
Smells like piss everywhere.
There's crumbs of food
on the ground.
Speaking of floats
and rafts,
my favorite story from last year
is still the Rob Konrad story.
And maybe some of you
know about it, but--
Rob Konrad used to be
a professional football player
for a couple of years.
He played for Miami.
Then he retired.
And he lives in Florida,
in Miami,
with his wife and his kids.
And last year, he was fishing
about ten miles
off the shore of Miami,
and as he's fishing--
he's by himself--
a rogue wave comes
and knocks him off the boat
and then capsizes
the whole boat.
So now this guy's
in the middle of the ocean,
6:00 at night,
in a life vest.
No boat.
No one's around.
So what does this guy do?
He swims nine miles
back to the shore of Miami
in the dark, in the ocean,
at night.
Nine [bleep] miles.
I have no comprehension of what
that must have felt like.
I'm gonna--let me ask you
a question, okay?
You're put in
the exact same situation, sir.
How many miles do you
think you make it? Honestly.
Be honest with yourself and
all the people that are here.
- A quarter mile.
- Did you say a quarter mile?
[laughter and applause]
A quarter mile's very honest.
A quarter mile is--yes.
That's an honest answer, sir.
That's like not
giving up too soon,
but you're like,
"I'm gonna give it an effort,
but there's no [bleep] way
I'm making it to the beach."
Here's how far I would make it.
I would swim until
something grazed my foot--
a sea creature--
and then I would just be like,
"Click, click, click, click.
Blub, blub, blub, blub."
Right to the bottom
of the [bleep] ocean.
Done.
Done!
Sea creatures
touching my feet?
No, thank you!
If someone else's foot
touches mine in a hot tub,
I'll barf everywhere.
I'll [bleep] a hot tub party up.
I'll ruin it.
Nine miles in the ocean!
During the night!
Swam!
Came up on shore
at 6:00 in the morning.
Walked onto the shore.
Just came out of the water.
Which I hope was the night
where some high school kids
were taking acid
and decided to come down,
just hanging out at the beach.
Like, "Right, PJ?
"This is the greatest
night ever, right, man?
What the [bleep] is that?"
Just, "Blurgh!"
Crawling out of the water?
An ex-linebacker?
Covered in seaweed?
Your brain would
never work right again.
They brought him
to the hospital.
He had, like,
over 150 jellyfish stings,
like, all over his body.
Yeah, yeah,
it was horrible.
They gave him shots, ointment,
and then he checked himself
out of the hospital.
Yeah, he released himself.
He was like, "I want
to go home and see my family."
Went home, just
hanging out with his family.
They made him do
a press conference,
and they asked him, "Dude,
what made you swim?
"Like, at some point,
you had to go, 'No, I'm done.
I can't do it anymore.'"
He was like,
"Every time I wanted to stop,
"I just thought of my wife
and my kids,
and I just kept going."
And I was like, "Oh, my God.
Who is this man's family?"
Like, who is his wife?
She must make him pancakes
and [bleep] his dick
while he's eating them.
Right?
His kids must have paper routes
and mow people's lawns
and give him the money.
"Here, Dad. You keep this.
You're gonna need it one day
for us."
Dude, you put me
in that exact same situation
and I got to swim?
Yeah, I'm gonna [bleep] swim,
but I'm going to Cuba, okay?
Everybody thinks I'm dead?
[bleep] this shit!
I'm out of here!
And I would swim,
and I would swim,
and every time I wanted to stop,
I would just hear
my kids in the background:
"Daddy, I want this.
Daddy, I want that."
I'd be passing people on rafts
going this way,
like, "No, no, guys, I'm good.
I know which way I'm going.
I'm going this way."
I'd be the first person to swim
to Cuba for freedom, guys.
[laughter and applause]
Yeah.
When you got kids--
like, we're in the weeds.
Do you guys have kids,
any of you?
Yeah? Couple people?
How old are your kids, ma'am?
She's 20 months? Yeah.
You don't really count yet,
then.
It's not that--
'cause you have one.
One is, like, you can do
zone coverage on one.
You still, like--
zone coverage.
I have two,
so I went from zone coverage
to man-to-man.
Zone coverage is so much easier.
You can go to a barbecue,
and if nobody's in your zone,
you can talk,
you can smoke a joint,
you can do whatever you want.
Zone coverage means
you have cover this area.
"This is my area," okay?
But if there's nobody there,
it's [bleep] game on for Steve.
But as soon as someone comes in,
that's your problem then.
So whenever my son
would come into my area,
I'd be like,
"Hey, Mommy's got a unicorn
"and some gummy bears
over there.
Go find her. Yeah."
Out of my zone.
Not my [bleep] problem anymore.
But now it's man-to-man.
Everyone get your man.
Man up. One-on-one.
We argue on the way to places.
We'll have, like--
in the car.
'Cause you got to figure out
before you get there,
'cause as soon as
the doors open, boom, chaos.
You got to go.
So I'll be like,
"Babe, who do you want?
"Which one do you want?
Do you want diapers or chaos?
What do you want in your life?"
She's like, "I want
the six-year-old."
I'm like, "Okay.
"Honestly, you can't handle
the six-year-old.
"You can't.
He's too fast for you, babe.
"Have you seen him run?
"You're wearing heels.
"You're gonna tear an ACL
or twist an ankle
"in front of all
our friends and family.
"If he goes on you,
"you got to pull his hair
and trip him to the ground.
"People are gonna
look at you weird,
"but that's on them;
that's not on you.
We got to do
what we got to do to survive."
Yeah.
My six-year-old's fast.
And he's a good boy too.
He's turned into a really,
really good kid.
He's sweet and he's kind,
and he doesn't have to be,
because he's
really good-looking.
Yeah.
Like, he's, like,
'80s bad boy good-looking.
Like Billy Zabka,
"Sweep the leg,"
I'm [bleep] badass"
good-looking.
"[bleep] yourself. I don't
have to be nice to anybody."
Yeah, he's got these
big brown eyes,
and he just looks at you
and just melts your heart.
Like, he knows
he's good-looking too.
That's what he does.
He uses it to his advantage.
Like, he practices looks.
Like, he'll come into the room
and be like, "Daddy,
what do you think about this?"
I'm like, "Buddy,
that's a pretty good look."
"Yeah, I know."
Yeah, he practices looks
so he can melt our hearts.
And that's the problem,
is that I can't discipline him
the way I want to.
Like, I want
to get upset with him
and tell him
what he's done wrong,
but he just looks at me
and just melts me.
The only way
I can describe it is,
imagine you walked in
on your wife or your girlfriend
having sex with Ryan Gosling,
okay?
You're gonna walk into the room.
You're gonna see her
going at it with someone.
You'll be like, "What
the [bleep]'s going on here?"
And then all of a sudden,
Ryan Gosling's
just gonna look up at you.
And you're gonna be like, "Dude,
"not cool, but kind of
really [bleep] cool, babe.
"Holy shit!
"How did you get Ryan Gosling,
babe?
"This is nuts.
"All right, you guys finish up.
"I'll be outside,
but, like, babe,
"I want the deets
on this Ryan Gosling thing.
Wow."
Yeah, you wouldn't be able
to get pissed.
But like most beautiful people,
you know, he's jealous.
He doesn't want anyone
pulling focus from him.
He wants
all the attention on him.
So now his brother,
he wants his brother gone.
Gone--and I'm not talking about,
like, out of the house.
I'm talking about murdered,
like, dead.
Out.
Yeah, people talk about jobs.
My job is to tell dick jokes
to strangers at night.
My wife's job
is to keep people alive.
It's like a real-life game
of Clue,
and she has to win every time.
And I have a brother.
We beat each other up
growing up.
You know, physical violence.
That's--I was prepared for that.
It's not what this kid
is interested in at all,
at all.
He's next-level.
For example, my wife
called me up, and she's like,
"I don't know
what to do with this."
I was on the road.
She's like,
"The six-year-old
put a Monopoly piece
"in the three-year-old's
favorite snack
"and then just left it there
like a mousetrap
and then called him over."
He's like, "Jonah, come get
your peanut butter crackers.
"They're right over here.
"Yeah, Mommy said
to eat this one first.
This is the freshest."
And he ate it,
and nothing happened.
And the six-year-old's like,
"Foiled again!"
How do you discipline that?
You're gonna tell that
to go into a time-out?
You're gonna put Jason Bourne
in a time-out?
No, you're not.
No, you're not.
He's gonna snap your neck
and take your passport.
And you're gonna wake up
shirtless in the Philippines.
Yeah, I caught him myself
one time.
It was like--
I'm like, "Oh, my God,
I don't even know
what we're gonna do."
I was in my house,
and I was walking
through my living room--
actually, I wasn't walking.
I was limping,
because I was faking an injury.
My wife wanted to go
pumpkin-picking that weekend,
and I'm not doing
pumpkin-picking
during the NFL season
on a [bleep] Sunday,
so I faked the injury.
I'm like, "Babe, I can't.
"I got--I got to do the--
I got problems."
So I'm faking my injury,
and I'm walking
through the house,
and I see my three-year-old
standing at the top
of our stairs
just kind of like,
"Hey, Daddy!"
Just waving his hand.
"Daddy!"
And my six-year-old
is beautiful.
My three-year-old is...
funny.
The kid is funny.
He's just a funny kid.
It's like I'm raising Black Swan
and Chris Farley.
That's the dynamic I have
happening at my house.
So he's like,
"Hey, Daddy!"
And I'm like,
"Hey, buddy. Come on!"
"Don't stand there.
"You got to come down
or go to your room,
but that's not a good place."
"Daddy!"
And for those of you
who don't have kids,
look, three-year-olds
can walk around, move.
They have--all that is--
they're fine.
But every once in a while,
they just look like they lose
all motor function at once.
Inexplicably,
they look like Kramer
going through a door
onSeinfeld.
They're just [bleep]
all over the place.
So you really got to watch them.
So I'm like, "Buddy, come on.
You got to come down
or go back."
He's like, "Hey!"
He's standing there.
I'm like, "Ah,
I have to go get him."
So I take a step up the stairs.
I'm trying to
limp up the stairs.
And before I get two steps up,
I just see my six-year-old
pop his head out of his room,
and he doesn't see me,
but he sees his brother,
and he's felt weakness.
Yeah, like, in his room,
his little spidey senses
went off,
and he's like, "Oh, it's time
to murder a [bleep]."
And he sees his brother
dangling at the front step,
and he goes for him.
So, again, me being a good dad,
I'm like, "You know what?
"Bullshit.
"Let's just see how
this thing plays out, okay?
"Got carpeted stairs
and an iPhone.
"This is how memories get made.
This is how brothers
become brothers."
So I watched
this son of a bitch--
yeah--I watched him walk up
behind his own brother,
his own flesh and blood,
and he takes him
by the shoulders
and then face first
over the front step like this.
Whap!
But then he holds on to him,
pulls him back,
turns him around,
and looks at him
and goes, "I saved you"
and then disappears
into the shadows.
[laughter and applause]
And I just stood there.
I was like, "Oh, shit,
this kid's a gangster."
He doesn't give a [bleep]
about physical damage.
He's starting from the inside,
guys.
He's building trust up.
That's what they do
at POW camps, by the way.
Yeah, I've got a Guantanamo baby
on my hands at my house.
Gitmo baby.
And I would be really worried--
really worried--if the
three-year-old wasn't so big,
but he's big.
Like, he's gonna be fine.
He's gonna beat the shit
out of the other one one day.
And I cannot wait to watch it.
I cannot.
Big.
My six-year-old's,
like, 50 pounds.
My three-year-old's,
like, 42, I think.
Like, the gap's getting smaller
every day.
He eats like I've never seen
a human being eat in my life.
It's startling to watch
my three-year-old eat.
It should be
a wonder of the world.
We eat dinner
every night at 5:00.
Every night.
Don't come over at 5:30,
fashionably late,
with a bottle of wine.
The shit is done.
The dishes
are in the dishwasher.
It's over.
5:00 every day.
4:30, my three-year-old
walks around our kitchen
like a baby Mario Batali,
just making sure
all the prep work is being--
"Okay, you're gonna do that.
Good.
"A little less yapping and more
peeling of the carrots, please!
Let's go! We're going!"
4:45, he's just
in his high chair,
just sitting there like a nerd
waiting forStar Warsto open.
He's like,
"When's it gonna happen?
I'm so excited!"
4:50, it's just noises.
It's just, "Ouugh!"
Just guttural.
"Ouugh!"
And at 5:00, if you're not
putting the mac and cheese
in front of his face like this,
he goes off
like a disgruntled union leader.
He's like, "What the [bleep]'s
going on around here, huh?
No, nobody's eating!"
He's pissed.
He wants that mac and cheese.
Give it to him;
he's earned it.
Put it in front of him.
He doesn't wait
for anybody else.
Just, "Dat dat dat dat dat!"
Plows it--"dat dat dat dat!"
Pushes his plate away,
gets up, excuses himself.
"I got to go."
"What?
You're three, buddy.
Where are you going?"
"I got to go work out."
I'm like, "All right, fine.
Have fun."
Yeah, I mean--okay,
so we have a new house.
So when you get a house, you got
to do stuff around the house,
and that's just not my--
I'm not good at it.
You know? I'm not.
Do you fix stuff
around the house, dude?
No?
Do you have any skills
in that arena?
Can you do, like, a--
put up, like, a door
or a screen?
- I could try.
- You could try.
Yeah, I could
[bleep] try, too, asshole.
It ain't gonna work.
You could try.
We can all try.
I bought the house
from a guy who had--
he had a 30-foot workbench
in the garage.
Yeah, a 30--
like, he fixed shit.
I moved in.
I brought my tool kit.
And I was--first of all,
should I hold
the tool kit like this?
Brought my tool purse with me.
Just placed it down over there.
Yeah, I have a tool kit.
It has two screwdrivers in it,
and they both have
this thing at the top.
Whatever this is,
I got two of 'em.
People come over, like,
"Do you have a screwdriver?"
I'm like, "Well,
I got this one and this one.
This one's a little bit bigger
than this one."
We have an electrical outlet
in our room that doesn't work,
and my wife's like, "Do you know
why this socket doesn't work?"
And I was like, "I don't know."
And she's like, "That's it?
That's your whole answer?
'I don't know?'"
I'm like, "Well, do you want
to know what's in my head, babe?
"What's in my head,
it's because the magic fairies
"that take the electricity
to the rest of the house
"don't know this one's here.
Which narrative do you want
to go with, love of my life?"
How does water go upstairs?
Anybody answer that!
How...
does it go up?
Up the pipe?
I stare at my upstairs toilet--
these are the things
that keep me up at night.
I stare at my upstairs toilet,
and I'm just like,
"If you break,
"I'm gonna have to call David
Blaine to come fix this shit.
I don't know magic."
Winding down
on the Little League season.
Coach my son's
Little League team.
(man)
Whoo!
Yeah, don't--no, don't.
We're 2-14.
It ain't going well.
I'm the manager.
I would have fired myself
two weeks ago
if I had the authority.
Yeah, I'm the only guy
that helps out on the team.
Like, I'm the manager,
the coach,
the equipment person,
the snack bitch.
I do it all.
Nobody else cares.
Nobody else
wants to be involved.
Nobody, and I got
17 kids on my team.
17!
That does not seem right at all.
I don't know if any of you guys
are sports buffs out here,
but there are nine positions
in baseball.
I got 17 six-year-olds.
Try to sit a six-year-old.
I tried it the first week.
I sent nine of them out there.
I sat eight of them
down on the bench,
and they're just staring at me,
and I'm like,
"Oh, see all your friends
out there having fun?
"Look at that kid.
Look at him!
"He just caught the ball! Yeah!
"Sit on the bench and watch him.
Go ahead.
Study the game.
You'll fall in love with it."
No, they [bleep] hated it.
They're running around.
So now I send them all
out there.
I send all 17 out there.
"Here we go!
"Tyler, short-shortstop,
"right next to
second-second base.
"Go get it, buddy.
"Yup, Mason, go walk
around the field,
"pick up the cigarette butts,
put them in your hat, buddy.
"Get the whole perimeter.
"You know how you do it.
"Jackson, go follow him.
Make sure he doesn't eat them.
Just bird-dog him for me, okay?"
17.
And they're cute.
You know, they're six.
They got their little gloves
and uniforms and hats.
And they're standing
out in the field.
And, really, the only thing
they have in common
is that not one of them
gives a [bleep] about baseball.
Not one kid wants to be there.
Not one.
Now, I have a kid
who goes out to right field,
and he throws--
he brings a soccer ball with him
and he plays soccer.
He practices his soccer drills.
Right in right field.
It'sBend It Like Mason
in right field.
I got another kid
who combs the infield dirt
looking for the biggest rocks
he can find,
and he picks them up,
and he throws them at the kids
on the other bench.
Not interested
in the game at all.
Rocks at [bleep] kids.
Unbelievable arm, by the way.
Fantastic arm.
Take the rock out of it,
put a baseball into it,
it's like pissing in the wind.
He's all over the place.
Put the rock back in,
he's like a Middle Eastern kid
fighting back the army, just--
every time.
Right down the middle.
I got another kid
who cups his farts,
walks over to his teammates,
and he just [bleep]
throws them at them like this.
And I made that kid the captain.
That kid is the captain.
Put a C on that kid's chest.
That builds team spirit.
That's camaraderie.
You can't fake that energy.
As I sit on the mound,
six hours a week,
just throwing the ball.
"Come on.
One of you [bleep] just hit
this ball forward, please."
Nobody ever hits
the ball forward, nobody.
It's like the Halley's Comet
of Little League.
It feels like it never happens,
but when it does,
it's magical.
That's when all 17 kids
on the team,
regardless of positioning,
they now check
back into this game,
and they run to that ball.
There is no more team.
It isBraveheart,
every man for themselves.
I've seen fishhooks,
eye gouges,
kids diving
on top of one another,
making a little
six-year-old human pile.
Because they all want that ball,
every one of them.
'Cause that's
the coolest kid of all.
The kid who gets the ball,
he gets to come out of the pile,
raise it over his head,
and then throw it
over to first base.
But guess what.
Nobody's at [bleep] first base,
nobody,
including the kid
that hit the ball.
As soon as he hit it,
he just dropped his bat
and just ran into the pile
to get his [bleep] ball back.
I don't blame him.
That's more fun that running
around some stupid dirt bases.
Yeah.
17 kids, man.
And not one Dominican.
They could not find me
one Dominican kid?
I got Tylers, Chances, Masons.
There wasn't a Raul,
a Manny, a Big Papi
[bleep] hanging out anywhere?
No?
Not for Coach Steve?
Okay. Fine.
All right.
I'm looking at two
12-year-old kids online
for adoption right now.
They're Dominican.
They're very skinny.
I want to get them
over here, guys.
I want to learn about paella.
I want to put them
in school, maybe.
See if they have
a Korean pitcher friend
they can bring with them.
I want to build a winner.
That's all.
Don't put Coach Steve in charge.
I'm gonna win.
'Cause the problem I have
is that the kids on my team,
they don't want
to play baseball.
They don't.
If you asked my son
what he wants to be right now--
Batman.
Superman.
That's it.
That's his jam, superheroes.
He wears a cape.
Like, that's his
everyday outfit.
Underwear, cape.
Like, his cape is his favorite
thing in the world to wear.
He runs around the house,
[bleep] cape,
"Look at me, flying and shit."
So now he wants to wear a cape
to Little League practice.
Yeah, so I'm gonna
ask the parents in here,
what would you do
if your son or daughter
wanted to wear a cape
to Little League practice?
Do--some people say, "Do it."
You are the sensitive people.
No, the answer is,
no capes at Little League
practice, okay?
No.
He came to me,
and he was like,
"Daddy, I want to wear a cape
to Little League."
I'm like, "No, buddy.
No cape at Little League."
"Please, Daddy.
I really want to do it."
"No. Buddy,
you cannot wear a cape."
"Please, Daddy.
It'll make me run faster."
And I'm like, "Fine, [bleep] it.
Wear the red one. Just wear it."
And he wears the red one,
and now once one kid
wears a cape--
yes, that's why
the answer is no.
Once one kid wears a cape,
now all the kids want capes.
All the kids on my team
want capes.
We play--half my team shows up
in capes now.
Half of it.
We play other teams,
those kids see our capes,
and they're like, "Oh, shit,
we want capes too!"
They're telling their parents,
"We want capes!"
Their parents come over,
and they're yelling at me,
and it's such a difference
between the mom and the dads.
The dads come over like, "Dude,
"what's with
the [bleep] capes, man?
"This isn't the Justice League.
Cut this shit out, okay?
It's baseball."
The mothers come over like,
"What you're doing
for those handicapped kids
"is unbelievable, sir.
"Unbelievable.
"Thank you.
You're a pillar
of the community."
My son, he struck out,
which--you don't really
strike out in Little League.
It's more like, "Yeah,
"let's just put that shit down
for a second
and give it a break."
So he was--
it was his turn up
coming up soon,
so he was in the on-deck circle,
and I could see
he was a little nervous.
He was, like, fidgeting
in the on-deck circle.
So I went over to him,
and I'm like, "Hey, buddy.
Don't even worry
about that last time, okay?"
I'm like, "That was crazy.
"This time, you just
concentrate on the ball,
"you swing hard,
you have fun,
and just don't worry about it."
He's like, "All right, Daddy."
He's like, "Daddy, I'm not
gonna strike out on this one."
I'm like, "I know, buddy.
Don't worry about it."
He's like,
"I'm gonna use the force."
And I was like, "Yes, buddy.
Concentrate. Use the force."
So he gets up,
and he's got the bat back,
and he's looking--I can
see him really concentrating.
And then as soon as that kid
lets go of the ball,
my son just drops the bat
and stands there like this,
trying to control it.
The ball comes and smashes
into his little leg,
crumples him to the ground.
Yeah, all the parents,
like, "Oh!"
I'm like,
I didn't know what he meant,
"Use the force" like that!
Who saw that coming?
But to his credit, though,
he got up,
just dusted himself off,
walked over to first base,
and he was like, "See, Dad?
"I told you
that shit would work.
"Look where I'm standing, man.
First base.
"Hit by pitch.
My on-base percentage
is through the roof."
My dad tried to
assistant coach this year.
He showed up at every game,
barking orders from the side.
"Got to tell him to steal!"
"No, Dad, there's no stealing
in Little League."
It's the greatest.
Never stops talking,
my dad, ever. Ever.
He's the LeBron James
of small talk.
It's amazing. Amazing.
We were in an elevator
two weeks ago--
me, my dad,
and a woman from England.
She asked him
to press the button
for, like, a floor,
and he heard her accent,
and he just turns and he's like,
"You from England?"
She's like, "Yeah.
He's like, "You know the queen?"
And I just looked down.
I was like, "Oh, my God."
The second thing
he asks this woman
with an English accent is,
"Do you know the queen?"
This is coming
off of him last fall
being a foreman on a jury,
which, whoever voted him
the foreman--
I was like, "This justice system
has to be fixed."
Who voted this man
as the foreman?
He would text me
all the information--
yeah--of the trial
during the breaks,
everything that happened
from the last break.
He'd be like, "Yeah,
and then he did this."
I'm like, "Dad, I'm pretty sure
this is illegal."
He's like, "I'm pretty sure
what that guy did was illegal."
Two wrongs
don't make a right, Dad.
I don't know what you're doing.
He talks so much that my mom
has now instituted
a rule at their house
that after 9:00 p.m.,
he's not allowed
to talk anymore--
wait--because--
this is her words, not mine.
This is me just ripping her off.
She goes, "You've used up
all your words for today."
So now my new favorite pastime
is just to go to their house
at 8:30 at night
and start a conversation
with my dad
and just watch,
like, 9:00 roll around.
You hear my mom upstairs.
[clearing throat]
He's like, "Ohh!"
Know your limitations.
That's all.
Know what you're good at;
know what you're not good at.
I'm not good with guns.
I'm not a gun guy.
You a gun guy?
Anyone?
Gun guys?
Yeah, you shoot guys, bro?
What kind of gun you shoot?
AR-15.
Bullshit.
AR-15?
Is that a--one of these?
Like, "Pkew, pkew!"
[indistinct]
Oh, it's one of these [bleep],
huh?
Civilian?
Doesn't sound very civilian.
Can you tell
I know nothing about guns?
Could anyone else do this?
"Pkew, pkew, pkew!"
I shot one bullet my whole life.
I'm not a gun guy.
I was in Edmonton, Canada.
And if you've never been
to Edmonton,
you're doing all right.
You're okay.
You're not missing
anything great.
It's not the worst place,
but it's just--
you know, you're okay.
If you like malls,
you'll love it.
They have the world's
second-biggest mall in Edmonton.
Second-biggest mall
in the world in Edmonton.
I'm talking big.
This mall is gigantic.
It's got two hotels in it
on either end of the mall,
two separate hotels.
They got a water park.
They got an ice-skating rink.
The gig's there,
the whole weekend.
But you're there for five days,
and I'm staying in a hotel
in the mall,
and three days into it,
I'm like,
"I have to--I have to breathe
fresh air.
"Like, what the [bleep] are
they putting in this mall air?
"Why do I end up at Old Navy
every day at 3:30
"for no reason?
I don't want to go
to Old Navy."
So I wanted to go outside,
but you forget
that Edmonton
is negative 54 Canadian
all year round.
And I don't know what that is
in American,
but it is ungodly.
You have to kill something
and wear it
just to survive in the outside.
So I was like, "[bleep] this.
What else does this mall have
to offer me?"
So at 10:30 on a Friday,
I was like,
"Well, today's the day I'm gonna
go shoot a gun."
'Cause they have a gun range
in the mall.
I was like, "Fine, let's go.
Let's have some fun."
I walk upstairs,
go into the gun range.
Nobody's there.
They're all normal.
They're working.
Just the guy behind the counter
sitting there,
just not even smiling,
smoking a cigarette.
And I walked in.
I was like, "Mm."
Like, "I'm pretty sure
that's illegal,
"you smoking inside, sir.
"I know I'm a stranger
in a strange land,
but this is a little
off-putting."
So now I start to walk
towards him,
and he's not friendly.
He's like, "Are you
a member here?"
I'm like, "No.
No, I'm not."
He's like,
"Well, what do you want?"
And now, like I said, I don't
know anything about guns.
I know numbers are good.
So I don't know how to explain
what I want.
So I was like, "Oh, I want a--
like, a 32, 34, probably."
Like, a 34
would be good for me."
He's like, "What, are you
looking for a pair of khakis?
"What the [bleep]
is wrong with you, bro?
Are you lost?"
And I was like, "I don't know.
What's your gun du jour?
Like, do you have a meal deal
or a special I can look at?"
He's like, "You want a handgun?"
I'm like, "Obviously,
when I went like this,
"I [bleep] meant handgun.
This is pretty universal
handgun sign, right?"
So he gives me a handgun.
He gives me
a 9-millimeter handgun,
which I could tell
was not the best one he had,
'cause it had, like, duct tape
around the butt of it,
and it had some dents and shit.
It looked like it pistol-whipped
a hooker
in a Biggie video
in the '90s or something.
This thing's been around.
So he gives me that gun,
the box of 50 bullets,
and the magazine clip.
And so he gives it to me,
and he's like,
"The second door on the left."
So I pick up my stuff,
and I'm walking away.
By the way,
I haven't signed anything yet.
I haven't handed anyone
my license.
I haven't filled out a form.
I haven't watched
an instructional video, nothing.
I've watched
instructional videos
to go on trampolines
with my sons before,
and now I have a gun,
50 bullets,
I'm in a [bleep] mall,
and I'm looking for
the second door on the left?
Is that--okay, fine.
Seems normal.
So now I go back there,
and that's the range part,
where the people shoot the guns.
But nobody's back there;
it's just me.
So now, for the first time
in my life,
I have to pack a magazine clip.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
you got to do that
a specific way, you know?
You can't just throw 'em in
whatever--twisted, backwards.
I get batteries in remotes wrong
half the time,
and now I'm sitting there
trying to jam these bullets
into the clip.
They're falling out.
I'm trying to sprinkle them in
like oregano into sauce.
I'm like, "Maybe that'll work
a little."
Falling out.
I'm showing
the surveillance camera.
I'm like, "Can anyone
come back here
"and help me, please?
I'm struggling."
Nobody gave a shit.
No one came back and helped.
So finally I just put
all that shit down
and I just walked around
with the gun part.
And I just walked
up and down the range.
Every once in a while,
I was like, "What the [bleep]
you say, man? What?"
Like, just, like, "Oh, man.
Bam!"
All I'm saying is,
somewhere there's 30 minutes
of surveillance footage
of me auditioning
for a Jason Bourne movie
they're not making, guys.
So now another guy comes in.
He's got a backpack
filled with guns,
all these guns.
He's got buddies with him,
and they start opening up
their guns,
and they start packing up
all the bullets and shit.
And I'm, like, trying
to cheat off them,
like looking at--"Oh, shit,
that's how--okay."
But nobody has fired
a bullet yet, okay?
That's the important thing
to remember.
No one's shot anything.
So in my mind,
this is something
we're all gonna start together.
You know, like,
someone's gonna come out
and be like, "Hey, guys, welcome
to Jim's Shoot Shack.
"Let's shoot 'em straight
and be safe, everybody.
Here we go."
Yeah, because in my mind--
look, my frame of reference
for this whole thing
is the last time I shot
anything in my life,
I sat there
and then a bell went off
and I fired it
and water came out.
It went into a clown's mouth,
a balloon blew up,
and then a bell went off
and someone won a stuffed frog.
That's how you knew
when it was over.
That's not what happens
at these gun ranges.
I'm still packing my clip up,
and the guy next to me
fires off
what I still believe to this day
was a land-to-air missile
launcher.
It was.
I don't know this [bleep]
got it in there.
I don't know how he assembled it
with no one else looking.
But it was the loudest sound
I had ever heard in my life,
just "boom!"
And I, in the most effeminate
way humanly possible,
just went, "Yee-ahhhhhh!"
And I threw the gun,
the clip, the bullets.
Yard sale.
Half off everything.
People heard my shrills,
they ripped
their ear protection off,
and they looked at me like
I just shot myself in the face
with a handgun.
Everybody's staring at me,
and now I'm so self-conscious.
I'm on the ground,
trying to pick bullets up
and put them back into my box
like a little kid
on an Easter egg hunt.
I'm look, "Oop, there's
another bullet over here.
I just want--excuse me."
Yeah, people are shooting,
"Boom, boom."
I'm like, "Oh, can I just
get in here for a second?
Just gonna get my bullets."
Finally, the guy next to me
just grabs me.
He's like, "Dude, dude,
come here. No.
"You don't get any more bullets,
okay?
"This shit is over, donezo.
"You get one bullet.
You have one in your chamber.
Just shoot the one
that's in your chamber."
And I was like, "Fine.
[bleep] it.
I can do that."
So I put the gun out,
right to the side,
just like I was taught.
And the guy tried to correct me.
I was like,
"Dude, I know what the [bleep]
I'm doing, all right?
Just leave me alone."
And I was like, "Here's looking
at you, kid."
"Pkoo," I shot the bullet
four feet,
directly into the ground,
put the gun down, walked out,
and got day-drunk
at the T.G.I. Friday's
for the third time.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you guys very much.
[cheers and applause]
Thank you all very, very much.
I really couldn't have done it
with you, Boston.
You guys are fantastic.
Thanks for coming out tonight,
everybody.
Thank you, guys.
Good night!
[cheers and applause]
Real quick,
do you guys want to meet
the real stars of the show
for one second?
My two kids?
Hold on.
[cheers and applause]
[cheers and applause]
This is Jackson.
Say hi, Jackson.
Hi, Jackson!
No, not "hi, Jackson."
Perfect.
This is Jonah.
Say hi, Jonah.
- Hi, Jonah.
- Hi, Jonah.
And this is the prostitute
I hired for the night, guys.
She's really pretty.
Thank you, guys.
We had a great time in Boston.
We love all of you.
We'll be back real soon.
You guys are fantastic.
Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
(man)
Your brains, madam.
[light bulb buzzing]