Stoner Express (2016) Movie Script

[male narrator]
There are a great many stories
out there in the world.
Some are good, some are great,
and a precious few,
are truly special.
This is a story
of heroes and villains,
of trapped princesses,
evil giants, and unicorns.
And the brave souls who rise to
defend and rescue the innocent.
This is one of those
exact stories...
minus the unicorns,
unless you're really baked,
then there will be unicorns.
- Your mom will be here soon,
- Thanks, Pix.
It's all right, won't be the
first time she's missed it.
Light it. You gonna make a wish?
[narrator] Every year, Jack
makes the same hopeful wish,
to one day,
finally meet his father.
Happy birthday, Jackie.
Your queen has arrived.
What... who's died?
It's your son's birthday.
No, no, no, I haven't forgotten,
I, um...
Happy Birthday, Jackie.
There you go.
Now, let's have a drink.
[liquid pouring]
- I'm 21 now, Mom. It's time.
- For what?
Oh, come on, Roxy,
he wants to know who his dad is.
I don't know, all right?
It was the 90's,
it could have been anyone
with or without a fucking pulse.
Mom, I deserve to know.
You said you would tell me
when I was 21.
Why do you care anyway?
He doesn't give a shit about us.
You do know who he is!
Jackie, will you stop
trying to climb back up
my fanny, all right?
- Grow up you're 19.
- I'm 21.
Right. Come on,
fucking Slut Puppets,
let's fuck this shit up.
Let's get the party started...
How do you get through this
Wait, where is it?
Come on!
- [Pix]
That's his lighter, you know.
- What?
Mom gave me this
when I was five,
she was teaching me
how to light her bong.
Yeah, and... he gave it to her.
- You know who my father is?
- Yeah, but Jack, you know, I...
Pix, please tell me I mean, I'm
not gonna talk to her about it.
Well, what are you gonna do
if I do tell you?
I'll find him, wherever he is,
I... I've been on tour with
The Slut Puppets my entire life,
I deserve to know
what else is out there,
I mean he could be a doctor,
or a lawyer, or a politician.
Yeah, right. No such luck.
He owns a weed shop.
In Amsterdam, it's called,
Kalifornia Dreamin'.
Is he still there?
Who knows. I mean,
it was over 20 years ago,
but you're right, Jack,
you deserve to know.
Keep it.
His name's Michael Kali.
- That's my dad?
- Happy Birthday, Jack.
Right, come on, I better go.
Oh, and, um...
if by some strange chance,
you're not here by the time
we get off stage,
be careful, yeah?
Amsterdam is one hell of a city.
[narrator] He had spent his
entire life dreaming about
someday meeting his father,
and now he held
that possibility in
the palm of his hand.
This is a very special story
about a boy named Jack.
[rock music plays]
Hello, handsome boy,
what are you looking for?
Hello, I'm looking for
this place, I believe
it's a coffee shop.
Why don't you come inside
and we can find what ever
you're looking for.
I'm alright, thanks.
You don't want to
play with Miss Misha?
- Um... no, thank you.
- Well, piss off!
You ruin business!
[woman yelling in Dutch]
Even if he understood Dutch,
Jack wouldn't of heard
a word she was saying,
it was love at first sight.
Sorry, what?
Another tourist. Stay out of
the bicycle lane, okay?!
[vehicle approaches]
[horn honks]
Hey! Goedemorgen, Desiree.
- Is it?
- Ja! Hm, finally
allowed a boyfriend?
No, just another
tourist on pussy patrol.
- I'm not...
- Ha! Hey, well...
I think she likes you.
Don't waste
your precious pennies
upon the window dwellers.
The "Hidden-Extra's" are free.
Well, I must dash, the cobbles
won't litter themselves.
- [engine revs]
- [laughing]
Sorry, I've gotta go.
[yells in Dutch]
[upbeat music playing]
[people chattering]
[bell dings]
Welcome to The Giant,
you're here to smoke the best
- We have the weed.
- And seeds and hash
That stands above the rest
Perhaps the old
skunk number one?
For a retro taste
upon thou tongue
Something from
the indica section?
Or puff upon
a sativa erection?
Anything you wish is here
to help your mind expand
The Jolly Green Giant
has the best weed in the land
Right, then,
what will it be, my lord?
Wow! Um, well, I was wondering
if you could help me?
I'm looking for Michael Kali,
and I think he owns the
coffee shop across the road.
- Shut your mouth, boy.
- The nerve!
- Say that name
one more time and...
- I'll bite your dick off!
Clarence, Pipa, it's a bit early
for theatrics, don't you think?
- Sorry about them.
- No, I should be...
- Wait.
- Apologizing to you.
- You were saying?
- I want to...
- Gauze my lord?
- Apologize for earlier,
everything that happened
with that lady, and on
your bicycle... that stuff.
Oh, wait,
you're the fucking tourist!
Thanks for all the help!
Yeah, I'm really sorry.
What it is, I'm looking
for somebody and,
and when your mate turned up
on the...
[makes bike noises]
And his goggles up,
and I could see, and I needed
to chase him, but I've lost him.
So I don't know
if I'm gonna be able to
find the guy I'm looking for.
You've been smoking
a little too much today, huh?
No, I wish, I mean,
I've been really busy.
Shhh... this is not the joint
you are looking for.
- [groans]
- Sorry.
- I'm Desiree.
- I'm Jack.
- Welcome to Amsterdam.
- Thanks.
Slow down, it's not a race.
- So, what's with the lighter?
- It's my dad's, um...
I think he owns
that coffee shop over the road.
Whoa, Mick Kali is your father?
I didn't know he had a son!
Not sure he knows either.
[trumpet blowing]
Hear ye, hear ye, the king
has returned victorious!
- [all cheering]
- He has fucking done it again!
Once again,
the Amsterdam Cup will be
held here at the infamous,
Jolly Green Giant!
And once again,
the top prize will be mine!
- Who is this then?
- I'm Jack.
It's nice to meet you mister...
it's nice to meet you, sir.
Allow me.
- What the fuck are you doing?
- I was just lighting your pipe.
- Uncle, he doesn't know any b...
- Rustige.
- He's Mick's son.
- I said quiet!
Mick's son, huh?
That's funny,
why didn't I realize this?
Cause he actually looks
a lot like Mick's son.
- Really?
- Yeah, you know, sad.
Pathetic, like a loser.
You're smoking on the wrong side
of the street, boy.
[clears throat] Uh... It was...
nice to meet you, Desiree.
Didn't have to be so mean.
He's Mick's son,
he ought to get used to knowing
his place in the world.
Ahh... you saucy smokers.
Free weed for these beauties.
Come and see me later
for a smoke...
and a poke.
- Jack, wait! Excuse my uncle.
- I thought my mom was bad.
I think it's really nice
you want to find your dad.
Go see this show,
you'll find him there.
My dad hangs out
at a sex show?
[chuckles] Grow up, little boy,
this is Amsterdam.
See you around.
[rock music playing]
Thank you so much! Thank you
so much, Blowback Beth.
As always,
you truly blew us away.
No? I sincerely hoped you used
the gash-tray.
No? Okay, well, it doesn't
matter, time for the main event!
Oh, yes! Ladies and gentlemen,
please give it up
for the Red Light delight,
Miss Hidden-Extra Heidi!
[men cheering]
What's wrong, Heidi?
What's that?
You require a volunteer?
Okay, let's find one.
- Fuck this.
- [whooping]
And we have one! A natural
selection, thank you, dear boy.
- No, no, I was just leaving.
- Oh, no!
Don't keep him waiting.
- I was...
I'm just looking for my dad.
- Looking for your dad?
Well, there's plenty of fathers
in here tonight.
Heidi, my sweetling,
he's all yours.
- [men cheering]
- [upbeat dance music plays]
- Mick? Mick!
- It's Heidi, kid.
[narrator] Jack couldn't help
but smile a little,
it's not quite who he'd
expected, but he'd finally
found his father.
- You're Mick Kali aren't ya?
- Shut up, kid.
We're almost finished.
My name's Jack.
I think you're my dad.
Mick? Wait, wait!
- Wait, please!
- Leave me alone!
Just, listen to me... Sorry.
Listen to me for a second!
- Come on!
- Stop following me, man.
If you just gave me
a chance to explain!
Just go away!
[tires screeching]
The fucking bikes in the place!
Mick, wait!
Please wait, just...
Dad, wait!
Don't call me that, man!
I've never seen you
before in my life.
Then what's this?
My mom gave this to me,
and you gave it to her.
Her name's Roxy,
she's in a band called...
[both] The Slut Puppets.
You knew her a long time ago.
I got no idea
what you're talking about, man.
[muffled grunt]
- [horn honking]
- [vehicle approaching]
Bonsoir, my dedicated
herbal connoisseur.
Now, I'm afraid that I must be
the bearer of bad news,
but our fair establishment,
right there, is closed for the
evening. Now might I suggest...
- Hey!
You're the guy from the show.
- Yeah.
- Hello.
- I'm Jack.
Well, pleased to meet you, Jack.
My name is Loz.
[animated noises]
"Oh, hello."
Oh, MJ, you've just met him.
Sorry about MJ,
I think she likes you.
Ay? What do you like,
what do you like...
It's probably because
she knows I'm Mick's son.
Michael? Son!
Michael. Jack. Son!
Nothing? Well, I didn't realize
Michael had a son.
We must celebrate! With a feast!
What's, what's that, Mary Jane?
Mary Jane what a wonderful idea.
You're so clever
let me get the ingredients.
Care for a shroomy snack?
- Uh, nah.
- You want some?
Oh, be careful,
save some for Daddy, my sweet.
They're really good.
Loz was insanely jealous
of the poor animals
in testing laboratories,
merely because they're
experimenting with more drugs
than he is.
But it seemed
he was giving those
poor, furry bastards
a run for their money.
[narrator laughing]
- Stop snickering!
- Who you talking to?
- Nobody! Who you talking to?
- You.
- Yes.
So, how can we help you, mister?
- Why do ya wanna help me?
Cause we're friends?
- Aren't we?
- Yeah, yeah.
I gotta get out of here.
- Sure, care for
a bit of company? "Hello."
- No, thanks.
No. Okay. Fine.
Well, it's just me and you, MJ.
Me, you and...
that small bi-sexual elephant.
[car horn honking]
[woman whimpering]
Oh, my God.
What happened?
This guy robbed me, and he took
my bag and all my things.
- It's okay. I'll help you.
- Thank you, you're so kind.
Are you a tourist?
No, I live here.
Then what's with the bag?
Just some things.
You give this to us, tourist,
or we make a smile in your neck.
All right. Okay. Take it.
Alright, okay.
Now let's see
what's in his wallet.
- Get away from him!
- What are you gonna do,
old man?
What am I gonna do?
Allow me to demonstrate!
You're lucky
I don't need to shit!
Oh, my house. My house!
- You saved me.
- And you crushed my house,
I owe you
for helping me and I...
Wait did you just call me Jack?
You have proper fucked it up.
- I'm sure
you'll find another one.
- Are you blind? I'm blind.
- Oh, sorry.
- Aye, well apologies
aren't a gonna stop
the rats from biting me in the
arse, are they, Jack, eh?
You just called me Jack,
how do you know my name?
- That's your name, Jack.
- You said it again!
Yeah, I did, didn't I?
- No, I mean,
you said it before that.
- Shhh, shhh.
[siren blaring]
- Look.
- I cannot see.
No, I mean, listen, I...
I haven't got any cash.
I wanna give you something.
Ah, yeah,
that looks expensive, eh?
Not all
who are blind cannot see.
Take it.
Means nothing to me anymore.
Are you sure?
It's worth more
to you than it is to me.
I'm sorry about your house.
Wait! You're a good boy, Jack,
a good boy.
What's that?
That... is a seed.
But it's not like
any other seed in the world.
Take care of it...
on your journey.
What kinda seed?
Where'd he go?
- [soft music playing]
- [grunts]
You are wondering,
where you are,
how you got here and who I am.
Well, uh... yeah.
Where am I?
- Four degrees north.
- Oh, God, there's another one.
[heavy breathing noises]
Two degrees east.
Permission to land.
Permission granted.
Bring her in.
Zero degrees south.
Morning, Jack.
How'd you guys know my name?
Are you psychic?
- Nah, Loz told us.
- Wait a minute,
you guys know Loz?
I am Spencer.
I am his elder sibling.
This, this is our humble abode.
We failed again, captain.
What was that?
Another ghastly attempt.
Well, what you trying to make?
- Going to make.
- The ultimate high.
We do not know who wrote this,
but it is clear he was
a master
of the horticultural arts.
- Only trouble is...
- We're missing the last page.
But that shall not deter us,
from our quest.
Oh, no...
Bonjour, mes amis!
- Good, Loz is here.
- [Loz] Bon apptit.
- Goedemorgen, Jack!
- Right.
- Mon frre.
- Loz.
What happened last night?
How did I get here?
Ooh! Well, I wasn't really too
sure whether to leave you
sleeping where I found you
because you looked so cute
and peaceful in the gutter.
[making meowing noises]
That bag.
I know, right! Like, wow.
Ten euros from this rather
lovely couple.
"Ooh, I'd like ten euros."
"Oh, well, here's a bag."
No, that's my bag!
Oh, I think you're mistaken,
You tryin' to tickle me?
Stop it!
I was robbed last night.
This is my bag.
They've taken all my stuff!
[grunts] Merde!
But, in my defense,
it was empty when I bought it.
You're wearing all my clothes.
Okay fine, it wasn't "empty",
I did find these inside,
too, but rather fetching
don't you think?
- [guys laughing]
- Yes. Yes.
That's some futuristic
shit right there! Yeah! Yo.
[singing tune]
I like to smoke
in my mouth
That is where the smoke
goes inside
where does the smoke go?
It goes down my throat
then to my lungs
Then it goes up to my brain
I'm really high
and then it goes to Spence
This is my friend
I like him very much
This is my friend
he teaches me so much
This is my friend...
- What?
- I'll pass it to you
But you have to earn it
by singing to us
I was robbed last night
and they...
took everything.
I mean my passport
was in that bag.
- That was awkward.
- Yup.
- Oh, man.
- Hey, come on, dear Jacques,
here you go. Meow, meow, meow.
Chin up and smiley smiles,
there's a whole world
of positivity out there.
Be a friend, yeah?
I must get all of these
on the cobbles today.
"Amsterdam Cup?"
Jacques, it's more than a cup,
it's the World Cup of weed!
Coffee shop owners do battle
over several intense rounds
to be the greatest herbalist
in the world!
Your father,
he used to be the champ-ee-on,
before his
so-called "friend", Eddie,
unveiled his corporate
monstrosity across the street.
[tires screeching]
[yells indistinct]
[speaking French]
- Oh shh... I'm I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
- Fucking deja-vu!
You know, some people
might call this fate.
Or a clumsy idiot who needs
to look where he's going.
Look who I found?
How's things going
with your dad?
It's a mess.
- [clattering]
- [screaming]
Don't worry, there's always
someone worse off than you.
- I know you don't believe me.
- Fuck.
I know this is hard to take in.
But you did know my mom
a long time ago,
and my... my aunt Pixie
told me that you are my father.
I know.
[soft chuckle]
Your mother wrote to me when she
found out she was pregnant.
I tried to contact her, man.
She was, she was always on tour,
always moving place to place.
I spent six months
trying to get a letter to her.
But you can tell her she's not
getting any money off me, man.
- That's why she sent you right?
- No, she...
Well, good 'cause
I don't have any to give, man.
I'll be closing the shop
within a month.
Loz mentioned things were bad.
MJ, MJ, I found some treasure.
Look, a spliff.
Help me, MJ.
Look, you came to see the show?
Okay? You saw how shit it is.
All right, now just run along
and get as far away from me
as possible, man.
No, I thought maybe
I could stay and help you?
Help? I can't even
look after this place
let alone babysit you.
I'm a fast learner. I mean there
must be something I can do?
What? What do you possibly think
you could do to help me, man?
Actually, there is one thing.
Anything, name it.
The lighter.
It's solid gold, man.
Platinum inlay,
the sparkly bit in the lettering
is a sapphire, dude.
I had it made when I opened
the shop, it's worth a mint.
[both laughing]
C'mon, give it here.
Uh... here's the thing, um...
I don't...
currently have it anymore.
- What do you mean?
- I was robbed last night.
- They took if off you?
- No...
This blind homeless guy,
came up out of the trash
and pissed on the robbers
and saved me!
But I destroyed his house
so I had to give him something
so I gave him... the lighter.
You gave...
my lighter... to a bum?
I... I gave my bum a light once,
didn't end well.
You two have totally
lost the plot, man!
No, no, no, look.
He gave me his seed.
Mick. Dude, just look at it.
I'm sorry, look I didn't
realize, I'll go get it back!
You've done enough, sunshine!
I want you gone, pronto.
- I don't have anywhere to go.
- Go back to your mother.
I don't have a mother
to go back to!
- Sorry it's just,
you know, Roxy.
- She's dead?
Oh, man.
I'm so sorry, Jack.
I'm so sorry, man.
I didn't know.
Jack felt terrible about lying,
but for the first time he was
being held by his father,
and he couldn't bring himself
to give that up just yet.
You stay with me for a little
while, yeah?
That'd be awesome.
Lying about what?
- Is he all right?
- Yeah. He's okay.
Don't wait up.
Oh, you can laugh,
but this right here,
is what keeps the crowd
gagging for more.
Hundred euro bills, y'all.
- Later, dudes.
- His balls touched me.
[door closes]
- His balls touch everyone.
- [laughing]
Yeah. Yes.
[piano plays over
muted dialogue]
Jack. Jack!
People watching me.
Jack, do you see 'em? Jack.
[rumbling gets louder]
- Jack. Jack!
- What?
Wake up.
Open your eyes, man.
Holy shit! What happened?
It had to be that seed,
my beautiful boy!
We flushed that
down the toilet.
I know and it grew into
a monster, man!
Hi. Yeah a little help
for a friend? I'm stuck!
Be careful!
Don't disturb the root.
- Shit, that's Desiree.
- [Mick] What's she doing here?
- Jack!
- I'm stuck, Desiree...
- She can't see it!
- Okay.
Not me, dude.
- Get rid of her.
- How?
I don't know say anything!
If you really wanna
help me save the shop,
Eddie can't find out
about this, man!
- Ooh! Hey.
- Hi.
- Is everything...
- It's fine.
Everything's fine.
- Let's go somewhere!
- Where?
Uh, anywhere.
Just away from the stores.
- Are you sure you're okay?
- Yeah!
Who's a cunt?
[upbeat music plays
over muted dialogue]
- [cartoon noises]
- [giggling]
Amsterdam is crazy,
it's just coffee shops and sex.
- I'm gonna miss this place.
- Why? Where you going?
- Can you keep a secret?
- Sure.
[Desiree] These are all
the places I'm going to go see,
the minute I turn 21.
Eddie's no longer
my legal guardian,
I'm buying a ticket to somewhere
on this map, and I'm off.
[makes whooshing sound]
That's great.
[rock music playing]
You're listening to
one of Mom's records.
- You've been gone a while.
- Yeah, she took me to
the Erotic Museum.
I asked you to get her
away from the store,
not go on a date, man!
- We had a really cool time.
- Stay away from that girl,
- she's nothing but trouble.
- [Jack] No, she's not.
She's really nice.
- Loz!
- What?
She took you on a date
to an erotic museum, man! Loz!
Not a date.
Listen, anybody related to Eddie
is no friend of ours.
Do you understand?
- Loz, stop that!
- [Loz] Please, Michael!
Just let us smoke a little bit.
Just a little tiny bit.
An itty-bitty, tokey-wokey.
No! We cannot smoke this,
or sell it for that matter,
until we're sure
what the hell it is.
"Don't smoke it, don't sell it."
- Hey!
- Sorry.
- Loz.
- Yes?
What about your brother
and that astronaut?
But of course!
Pete and Spence must see this!
To our noble steed, we ride!
Yes! Loz, clip the bud.
Let's do this!
I have never
seen anything like it.
Is it safe?
Should be, though you will be in
for the ride of your life.
- And ride, we shall.
- Where did you get this?
I was about
to ask you the same question.
We found it
in the trash months ago.
Bestowed upon us
by destiny, Pete.
We have been trying to complete
the procedure, but we are
missing the last page.
- Whoever wrote it is a genius.
- Yes, he was.
- You know who wrote that?
- Of course.
He used to work for me.
Years ago, when Eddie and I
were running Kalifornia Dreamin'
we had a scientist,
Gordon the Great.
The best horticulturist
that Amsterdam had ever seen.
He created all of our strains.
But Gordon...
was after the ultimate high.
- The Iceolator.
- The Iceolator?
He worked through the night
for months, trying to perfect
the technique.
Eddie grew impatient,
he wanted the strain
for the Amsterdam Cup.
He snuck into the lab one night,
and turned the grow lamps
up past their top capacity.
Then what happened?
[makes exploding sound]
It exploded.
[makes soft exploding sound]
When we returned in the morning
our lab was destroyed
and our beloved scientist...
nowhere to be found.
His notes were lost, too...
until today.
So, that's when you
and Eddie split up?
He didn't care
that somebody died, man!
He just wanted to win the cup.
I said, no.
Greed drove a wedge between us,
and he opened the Jolly Green
Giant across the road.
And ever since he's been trying
to put me in the poor house.
But now that you have this...
What are you calling it?
- Oh.
- That's a good question.
- The Green Stalk.
- Yes, Loz! That's great!
What is?
If this... "Green Stalk"
is as good as you say it is,
we could save the shop.
- Which would be awesome.
- [all giggling]
Only one way to find out.
[bubbling and burning]
[upbeat music plays]
In all my years
of mind expansion,
I never believed
I would experience such beauty.
This is our savior.
[upbeat music plays]
[indistinct chatter]
The Green Stalk was indeed the
savior for Kalifornia Dreamin',
[bell ringing]
But their success
was Eddie's demise.
The Jolly Green Giant hadn't
seen a customer for weeks,
and the Amsterdam Cup
was merely days away.
Fuck this!
It's time I made a trip
across the cobbles.
Clarence! Pipa!
Ready my transport.
[people chattering]
What the fuck is this?
Smoking on the wrong side
of the street, aren't ya?
Mind your cheek, boy,
and stay away from my princess.
If you so much as to lick
her rolling papers...
Hey. Haven't you got
trophies to polish?
Well, if it isn't
Hidden-Extra Heidi herself.
You come to protect your
little boy? That's so sweet.
I can smell the sweat
of your tiny balls, Mickie.
'Tis a shame
that they are not big enough
to compete with a champion.
Well, at least
my dad's balls work.
My balls work.
They like to sweat.
And they like to grind.
Unlike you, you pathetic loser,
too afraid for competition.
No, I don't have time for
the cup and all... that.
I'm too busy swinging from
branch to branch of my tree,
serving the millions
of customers that
come in here every day.
Another piece of your
plastic shit to go with
your fake palm trees?
Oh, it's real.
Just ask them.
- That is real?
- Yeah.
- No. That is impossible.
- Loz! Green stuff.
On the house.
Some stupid, homegrown bullshit!
That strain, it isn't even
that strong. I've...
Well, wipe his ass
and call that a shit.
Seriously, he's gonna be back
now that he sees what we've got,
so you stay away
from his kooky niece.
We don't want anymore
shit hitting the fan.
That fat, cross-dressing
fuck is going to ruin me!
- Nay, I say.
- He can't, he shan't.
Shut up!
That plant was the best
I have ever tasted.
It's already taken
all my customers.
If he gets it
into the Amsterdam cup,
he'll take my trophy
and my title,
and we will be
closed within a year.
And I will be the one flashing
my cock and balls for a living.
- Unless... unless?
- Unless... unless!
we do something about it.
The severing dwarfs.
[both] Severing dwarfs.
What's going on?
Oh, nothing.
You know, just...
- [flatulence]
- relaxing.
Where are you going?
Just going to buy some supplies,
we're running low on papers.
- You seem to be
going out a lot lately.
- Just trying to keep us afloat
now that Mick's stealing
all your customers.
Off you go, then.
Something is not right.
Follow her,
see what you can find out.
I will worry about Heidi.
- Yo, man!
- Fuck!
[both laughing]
Why, why did you wanna meet
here? It's...
For this.
This is lover's bridge,
where people from all over
the world come to declare
their love for each other.
They put the padlock
onto the chain
and each keeps a key forever.
The padlock can never be opened
and their love never broken.
That's really romantic.
Oh, what you doing?
Were you gonna...
- No, no I was...
- That's so sweet, you were.
Okay, close your eyes,
pout your lips.
Best kiss in Amsterdam.
Left a bit. No, no right.
Back a bit. Stop!
Get the supplies we needed?
Supply shop was closed.
- It was closed?
Well, why was that?
- Plumbing problem.
Plumbing problems?
And it wasn't because you were
off with Mick Kali's mongrel?
What? No. We don't associate
with the likes of him.
Come now, princess,
no need to keep secrets.
Or secret jars of money.
You went in my room?
What is this, then?
"All the places
I wanna go to when I'm 21."
That is going to be
hard to do without any money.
Now that...
now that makes me sad.
- I almost want to cry.
- That's my money.
Yes, it is!
And it can stay yours
if you do exactly as I ask.
And what's that?
I want you to convince Mick
to meet with me.
You know, like a truce
to end our feud,
re-kindle our friendship.
And that's it?
That is it.
Well, you know what they say,
"If you can't beat them,
you join them".
My colleague and I have been
doing some research.
The Green Stalk would be
the greatest weed to utilize
in creating...
- the ultimate high.
- Ultimate high.
The Iceolator would be
a cup winner, for sure!
- Iceolator?
- If only we had
that missing page.
What's she doing here?
Michael, we shall return
after some further research.
Mon frre, MJ.
Actually, I was hoping
to talk to you.
My uncle wants to give you this.
He says he's really sorry.
He wants to put
your differences to rest.
You can tell your uncle,
that he can shove whatever's in
that box up his tiny ass.
One minute.
Mick, if you just look
at what she's bought over,
it would mean a lot to me.
Of all the girls in Amsterdam,
did ya have to pick her?
Well, it's not
gonna work though, kid.
He couldn't even show up face
to face and apologize in person,
instead he sends
his little messenger.
I was only trying to help.
The fuck was that?
You don't know that family, man.
I cant trust 'em
as far as I can throw 'em.
Well, she's not Eddie!
He probably wants
a share of my profits
now he sees how successful I am!
Look, Jack.
For the first time in three
years I'm almost above water.
A few more days of business
and I can pay off my debts.
My luck changed
when you showed up.
Don't let some girl get in
the way of what we've got now.
Well, I'll be damned.
It's one of my trophies.
[door shuts]
What do you two want?
It seems the lady Desiree
Requests your presence
across the way
A special night
she has in store
Surprises, romance,
maybe more
Desiree has a surprise
for you across the street,
get going, might get
some gash tonight, boy!
- Go. I'll bag the money.
- Really?
Yeah, of course,
I've got MJ with me.
Haven't I? Yes. We'll be fine.
Okay. Bye, MJ.
You're a good friend.
[door opens, shuts]
What you doing?
[people chattering]
I know I can be...
overly ambitious,
maybe even a bit of a cock.
Look at that,
finally agreeing on something.
Piss off, will you?
Trying to say that I'm sorry.
I know we didn't
end on the best of terms,
but the truth is,
when you blamed me
for that accident... that hurt.
You're my best friend.
Um... what's all this?
This is my birthday party.
Desiree, I'm really sorry,
I should have...
No! You didn't need
to do anything.
Just be here, celebrate with me.
- Today I am 21.
- You're free.
Okay, what do you want?
- The plant.
- What?
- We're taking the plant.
- Are you? You and what army?
[all laughing]
- Severin' dwarfs!
- Chop chop!
[dwarfs yelling]
[both chuckling]
And then in the morning,
it had grown
right out of the building, man!
- No way. Unbelievable.
What luck.
- I know.
- And it couldn't happen
to a better guy.
- I know.
- And at a better time.
- I'll say.
You know I was gonna be kicked
out on the street any day, man.
Now, I can finally
hang up my heels for good.
No, no, no!
No, please, not the money!
Come on, MJ.
Ring, Mick.
[both laughing]
[phone ringing]
I gotta take this, that's me.
That's me, man. That's me.
Hold on a sec. Loz.
Mick, Mick,
they're destroying the plant
and they've taken all the money!
It was just a plot
to get you out of the store!
There's too many of them, Mick!
There's too many of them!
[dial tone]
- You.
- Yes, Michael.
How could you
do this to me again?
Oh, come now.
No need to be a sore loser.
You lied to me!
That I did,
and luckily your son
is as big a fool as you are.
- And Desiree
is as cunning as I am.
- What? Desiree?
Oh, yeah, we made a little
agreement, you see.
She would help me destroy
that beautiful plant of yours,
and I would set her free.
I couldn't have you stealing
anymore of my customers, Mickie.
Or, God forbid,
beat me in the cup!
There's too much!
- We'll take what we can!
- And the rest?
- Throw it into the pool!
- What are ya...
Not in the pool!
Yes! Get it outta here!
Let's go!
Come with me.
You've made some money now.
Travel together,
see the world, be free.
I'm sorry, I can't.
I... [stuttering]
I mean, I just met my dad.
And I feel like he needs me.
I'll never forget you.
Ditto. And you know,
after I've seen the world,
I'll know where to find you.
- You witch!
- Dad.
You lying scum
of a bastard whore!
Whoa! Right, calm down,
you're drunk.
She tricked you, Jack!
They just tried to get us
outta the shop so they could
destroy the plant, man!
- What?
- What do you mean,
destroy the plant?!
Oh, she know...
you know!
Didn't Eddie tell you
to arrange the drinks tonight?
- Yes, but...
- Ah-ha!
She's been in on it
the whole time, man!
She wanted to earn your trust
just so that Eddie
would let her leave.
That can't be true, because you
wouldn't do that to me.
No, Jack, he said
he'd take my money, but I...
- [Loz] Hello?
Could somebody please help us?
- You serious?
Mick! Jack! Anyone?
- You knew about this?
- No.
You invited me over there
to get me out the store
so you could ruin us!
- Jack...
- No!
You've admitted it!
You already said that
Eddie put you up to this.
- I didn't know he was
going to do this!
- Get out.
- Jack, please don't...
- Go on your stupid trip.
See the world.
Don't come back!
Go! Get out!
[door opens, shuts]
What're doing?
What does it
look like I'm doing?
I gotta pay up by tomorrow
or I'm finished.
You don't need to do this,
all right?
OK, there's loads of things
we can do, and I'm gonna help.
That's what you said when you
showed up in the first place,
where's it gotten me, man?
No, no, where's it gotten me?
You, you, this is your fault.
- What, me?
- You, it's your fault!
- It's not my fault.
- It's all your fault.
- It's not my fault!
- It's your fault!
I was fine!
I was just fine.
Can anyone untie me?
Jack or Mick?
No, Mick. Heidi's the only one
who can save us now.
You don't have to,
please, just wait!
I want you outta here
by the time I get back!
- You'll never see me again.
- Good.
[door opens, shuts]
- It's okay, Jack.
- Just leave me
alone for a minute.
- Mary Jane wants to
tell you that...
- Stop with that! All right?
I'm just trying to be
a good friend.
You're not my friend!
Mick's not my dad,
and you're not my friend!
- And MJ,
just your fucking hand!
- Sorry.
No, I'm sorry, mate.
No, man, no. I didn't mean that,
look, I'm just upset.
- All right? I didn't...
- It's fine. You're right, look.
Goodbye, Jack.
- It's a bit awkward in'nit?
- It is, isn't it?
[both sobbing]
- I should probably
untie you shouldn't I?
- Yes, please.
All right, I will.
I love you all.
Suck my dick!
[Roxy] Going somewhere?
It's good to see ya, Mick.
I see you've taken to
wearing women's clothing,
I can't say I'm surprised.
But you're dead.
Oh, God, you're a ghost.
Which means, oh, God, I'm dead!
I jumped, man,
I jumped and I drowned!
Oh, Jesus!
Now I'm a ghost too, man!
We're in purgatory.
Jesus, we're in purgatory
together, man!
I can't feel anything.
I can't feel anything.
I'm so cold.
Get a grip on yourself.
I'm not dead.
What is the matter with you?
- You're alive?
- 'Course I'm alive, Mick.
You bloody idiot.
Now where's that son of ours?
It's time we acted like parents.
But first, let's get fucked.
I've missed you so much.
- Amsterdam, baby!
- Yeah.
My, so this place
is still a shithole then?
Look at the state...
Whoa, Jack, what's the matter?
The day the world was waiting
for had arrived.
It was the dawn of the Cup.
Everyone was eagerly waiting
for the competition to begin.
Everyone, apart from Jack.
With his dreams in tatters,
it seemed the only thing he
could hope for was a miracle.
[man on PA] to
the Jolly Green Giant...
What's all the commotion?
- What's going on?
- Pix, nothing.
- There's my boy!
- Jack! Your mother,
she's alive, man!
- It's a miracle!
- Debatable.
So how's my boy doing?
I was better before
you arrived to be honest, Mom.
Come on, don't be like that.
All that time you lied to me,
you expect me to just welcome
you with open arms?
Come on, Jackie, don't be
crawling up my fanny like that.
[Jack groans]
How is that an appropriate thing
to say to your son?
All you care about is how
short your skirt is and what guy
your bunking up with next!
It's disgusting!
"Oh, I'm Roxy, the sexy star
of The Slut Puppets."
Who suck by the way!
Oi, no,
that is totally out of order!
No, it's all right, sis,
he's right. We're shit.
Good shit, though.
I know what I've done is wrong,
but I deserve a second chance.
I shouldn't have
kept Mick from you.
You missed out
on having a father,
or whatever that is,
I'm sorry about that.
When you left it...
you gave me the kick
in the clit I needed, you know?
I know I can't make up
for the shit in the past, but...
I wanna at least give you
a chance at a good future.
You got me going now.
- I'm so proud of you.
- Me too, son.
- I ruined
everything for you, Dad.
- Nah, man.
- I was a loser
when you found me, Jack.
- Yeah.
Well, look at this place, Roxy.
Remember it, Nikki?
Yeah. You came in,
tits hanging out.
Oh, yeah. Good to go.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Oh, you have to be kidding me!
No, no, no, no, no.
I just re-built!
- I'm, I'm sorry, I...
I just fell.
- What's wrong with you people?
I didn't mean to, I just,
I lost a piece of paper
and it had the drawing of a,
of a map on it.
And I lost it,
I, I lost everything.
But this isn't of mine, mine has
a drawing of a... of a map.
Shhhh... trust me.
That will take you
where you need to go.
But this is blank.
Guys, I need your help.
- Spence.
- Pete.
- Ice...
- [all] ...olator!
The ultimate high!
[rock music plays]
- Still got this?
- Of course.
I'll miss it here.
Not if we can save it.
You got some nerve
showing up here again, Desiree.
We have to enter the cup.
Shouldn't you be with
your uncle across the road?
Nope, I'm smoking on the right
side of the street.
This fair maiden found the
missing page from our notebook.
Mick, I need all
the Green Stalk you have.
- There's none left.
- It's ruined.
It's not ruined, it's wet.
And that's exactly
how we want it.
Kinky little minx
knows our lyrics.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
please welcome into the arena
the teams for this year's
Amsterdam Cup!
[all cheering]
The Sin-Derellaz!
Last year's runner up,
the all girl group of power
has landed in the tower.
The Gingerbread Men!
These five balls of fire are
always trying to get higher!
Watch out when
these guys are about.
The Pied Pipers!
One foot in the grave,
but they still love to rave.
And like the fine wine,
they get better with time.
And finally,
the defending champions,
the Jolly Green Giants!
[loud cheer]
Eddie and his unstoppable team
are aiming for their
seventh consecutive win!
Let's get ready to roll!
- Ready to launch, captain.
- The process takes longer
than we have,
but the more people that help,
the faster we can...
I'll help.
You guys need Loz on your team.
But we still have a problem.
- We don't have
the entrance fee money.
- That's not true.
Desiree you can't,
that's your escape money.
If it wasn't for my uncle,
I wouldn't need it.
And nothing would make me
happier than the look
on his face when you win.
I'm so sorry for all that stuff
I said to you earlier.
You couldn't have known
that your uncle...
Hush, hush, Mickie.
Let's take that fucker down.
Hey, guys, guys: snail.
Hey, guys: octopus. Big octopus.
We have a surprise, late entry.
Please welcome into the arena,
Kalifornia Dreamin'.
What the fuck is he doing here?
Let's give a warm welcome
to the High Chancellor of Weed,
and our judge extraordinaire,
Sir Howard Marks!
Welcome to
the only place in the world
where the grass
is always greener:
[crowd cheering]
There will be several rounds
of competition,
with points awarded to the
winning team in each category.
First up,
Creative Joint Rolling!
- Loz, you're up.
- Um... no.
- What? Why?
- Only friends help each other,
and he made it quite clear
I haven't got any of those.
I'm really sorry.
I was upset and the fact is,
when I arrived, no one was
as nice to me as you were.
I mean, you're not just my
friend, you're my best friend.
- And I love MJ.
- Fuck off with the fairytale
bullshit, you lot.
Jesus Christ, I tell you what,
you get your arse up there.
Me, you, that weird finger
of yours, play a bit
of hide and seek later.
Go on, Loz, we fucking love you!
- Sorry, sorry,
I got carried away.
- That's good.
On your Howard Marks...
get set...
Are we really supposed
to add this much ice?
The goal is to completely
separate the THC from the weed.
We are not making
a regular high.
We are making,
the ultimate high.
Inhale, bitches.
What the fuck is he making, man?
It's all right.
Trust him. He's got this.
- Very nice. Very nice.
Let's get more.
- Yeah.
This round just gets
crazier every year.
Looks what's being created
using just marijuana
rolling papers.
Okay, contestants! Stop rolling.
Settle down. Settle down.
They look amazing.
Really stunning.
But it's not about origami.
I wonder how well they smoke.
- Ready.
- Here we go.
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
don't we need something
to strain the THC?
Oh. You are right.
Michael must have
a fishing net or something.
[crowd whispering]
Do I suck... or do I blow?
[crowd laughing]
It's not that funny.
It's not that funny.
Are you sure these will work?
- They're perfect.
- We are good to go.
[mechanical whirring]
[power shuts down]
Maybe not.
The cup's first ever, official
volcano spliff. Kaboom!
[crowd cheering]
Fuck the volcano.
Whoa, you could power the whole
Netherlands with that windmill.
This is just crazy.
Jack said they would
pull the plug on Mick soon.
Looks like it is game over.
Without electric to stir
the weed and ice together
there will be no Iceolator.
Fuck it.
Jolly Green Giant
have won this fucking round.
- This was a bad idea.
- Nah, come on, baby.
- You never went
down on me this quick.
- Okay.
Round two.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- The Longest Joint.
[indistinct chatter]
[rock music plays]
Pied Pipers!
Get in here,
I'm not doing this alone.
The Smuggle Juggle.
- Well, if we must.
- For the good of the team.
Yee-ha! The Giants
are taking an early lead.
The Giants extend their lead.
The Bong Balance.
Come on, Roxy!
Whoa! The legendary singer,
Roxy from The Slut Puppets,
has bagged Kalifornia Dreamin's
first win.
Spliff Roulette! Kaboom!
[Spence] Faster!
Paper Planes.
Scratch and Sniff.
Bet you can't even guess
if it's weed or hash.
The old man is crazy!
[buzzer sounds]
Three people guessed the strain.
One person guessed
the weight and the strain.
But this
was profanity personified.
One person guessed the weight,
the strain, and the soil
in which it was grown.
And the winner is,
Kalifornia Dreamin'!
Unbelievable! Mick Kali has
taken Kalifornia Dreamin'
into a head to head final
with the Jolly Green Giants!
Okay, contestants.
It's time I toke on your
homegrown smoke. Come on!
[crowd cheers]
Where is she?
I've waited all year for this.
It's well worth the wait,
Mr. Marks.
[crowd gasps]
Smells like Christmas
come early this year.
- [woman] Is it tight?
- [man] Nice and tight.
Here we go.
Bit more, bit more...
[all mumbling]
[crowd cheers]
Our reigning champion, Eddie,
sure looks happy
with his entry this year.
Let's see what the
Ganja Godfather has to say.
[bubbling and burning]
this is fucking amazing!
This has gotta be a winner.
Wankers, have some'a that.
May I see your entry, Mick?
I'm sorry, boys,
but without any weed,
I've gotta disqualify you.
And announce Jolly Green Giant...
Wait! This is our entry.
Sneaky little whore!
This is
Kalifornia Dreamin's entry.
Is that the...
My God. It's...
- The Iceolator?
- Yes, Howard, The Iceolator.
You little bitch.
Get to your room.
Seem to be forgetting I'm 21,
you can't tell me
what to do anymore.
- She's a keeper, man.
- She really is.
Come on load it up,
I... I have to taste it.
Come on, man,
my lungs are waiting.
Thank you.
[lighter flicks]
- There's no pulse.
- What?
[crowd gasps]
Oh, my God!
[all cheering]
I haven't had hash like this
since the 1970s.
When I was in Nepal and even
that naughty Nepalese beauty,
didn't have the kick that this
cheeky little fucker's got.
[Desiree chuckles]
And the winner
of the Amsterdam Cup,
is Kalifornia Dreamin'!
No! No!
[narrator] Everything that
young Jack had wished for
had become a reality.
And although Jack was sure
the story was nearing its end,
he didn't realize...
- Cease you intrepid
brain beast!
- That his journey was only j...
- Shut up! Sorry.
- His Journey was only just...
- Wait a
minute, I heard that as well.
- You did?
- We all did.
- Was only just...
You're the guy
that gave me the seed.
You gave me the plans
for the Iceolator.
You're the voice inside my head.
- The Messiah.
- I think that's him.
Gordon the Great,
is it really you?
- I thought you were...
- Yeah, dead? No, I'm not dead.
It's good to see you again,
Mick, or at least
it's good to hear you.
Aye, I was blinded
in the accident,
but I've had plenty of time
to work out how to get
back at Eddie.
And with Jack's help,
the evil giant
has finally fallen.
- Is that my lighter?
- I think it belongs
to someone else now.
Thanks, Jack.
That was a touch of genius
flushing that seed down
the toilet.
- Turns out piss
was the ingredient...
- [both] Piss!
That I didn't think of to add
to the germination process.
Well, it certainly made
the plant grow big, eh?
You're my hero.
I love you.
And there is plenty more magic
where that came from.
[all cheering]
We're gonna make millions, man!
Gordon, would you consider
coming into business
with me and Loz?
- I don't mind a third.
- How 'bout, a forth?
- What?
- Roxy...
Would you consider taking
a break from touring, darling?
Suppose I could do
with a beach holiday.
Oi! Oi, oi, oi. Slut Puppets?
I've got a slutty puppet
right here. How about that?
Now, we're all gonna have
to work together to cultivate
all these plants.
Of course, but this time
we have to do it right!
We cannot risk wrecking
the shop. Gordon, how many...
He's got a habit of doing that.
- Uh-huh.
- [toilet flushing]
Gordon, what did you do
with all those seeds, man?
You're gonna need a bigger shop!
[rock music playing]
- [man] Action.
- Are you sure this will...
- [man] Action.
- Are you sure... shit.
- [man] Action.
- Are you sure these will work?
Come on.
What are you doing?
[rock music continues]
Round eight! The Long...
Sorry, I looked in
the fucking camera.
Did you try and touch me on the
tour bus? No, doesn't matter.
Don't worry about it.
Looks like Christmas
came early this year.
- Fucking smells like it
as well.
- [woman] And cut.
Get rid of her
with anything that you say.
- Done!
- Thank you!
[Mick] ...that he can shove
what's ever in this box
up his tiny ass.
Dance, Lennox, dance.
Mick, has someone done
a little poo in your shop?
Looks like I am
surfin' on poo, huh?
[rock music continues]
I'll see you later.