Stranger in My Own Skin (2023) Movie Script
OK...
How to talk about memories?
Very unreliable.
What did actually happen?
Flashes, mostly.
Joy, catastrophe.
How to describe a life when it never stops
slipping like sand between your fingers?
How to look at yourself in the mirror
when you step across
the threshold of reflection all the while.
OK, Pete, if you can now
tilt your head to an angle.
Imagine you're hanging on a cross
and your head is slightly on one side.
There are some concrete memories.
Places. Coventry, 1994.
Most kids were fiddling with
the dog-eared ends of the century.
No, they weren't.
They were going to
the Eagles disco in Bedworth.
I had to stay in behind
the barbed wire of the army camp
whatever military barracks we lived in.
Pull it out backwards,
mind your hair a bit.
It's a bit bright, mate.
There you go.
- Fantastic.
Look at all that.
- Beautiful.
Excellent.
- Let me see that.
I was the new kid
always, always, moving always.
I was never a boffin.
I was clever.
I was a dreamer, I was a clown.
I was reading everything,
whatever I could get my hands on.
Now these are my notes.
Writing, scraps of music, songs, poems.
That which can't be captured
in a neat, arranged story
because there is no neat, arranged story.
Now I fall through these scraps.
Doesn't matter how far you fall,
it's how hard you land
and where.
And I landed in a...
well, I landed on a stage.
HARMONlCA PLAYS
We lived on a barracks.
There's marching and tanks.
Assault courses,
barbed wire on fences and check posts
and armed soldiers everywhere
and everyone that wasn't a spouse or child
or someone in the army was in uniform
and to go to school,
you had to leave the barracks
or in Northern Ireland, looking under
the cars for bombs before you drove away
or, you know, never, ever telling anyone
your dad was in the army.
He was a sergeant major
and a regimental sergeant major.
He was the man that they
used to keep people in order.
Stand by your beds! Fall in!
Move yourself! Move!
Him and my mum,
who was a military nurse when they met
and married within a week
they had this vision as well
of quite a strict family code
and polishing your shoes,
and no answering back.
Yeah, everything was
revolved around the discipline
and the military life,
so that was that was just the normality
and I think to 12, 13, it was just central
to your identity and your life
and then...
as I got to 14, 15, 16, 17
it became an obstacle to the identity
that was naturally
being forged as I grew up.
Just this idea that, you know,
you couldn't do anything, really.
You know, I just wanted to be elsewhere
or wanted to live in a world
where I didn't...
wasn't subjected to barbed wire.
At that point, it was just a question of
how quickly I could get out.
I wasn't a particularly good guitarist,
but I knew a few chords
and I had ideas for songs
and they seemed to fit together
with, like, the half-ideas he had.
So even though we didn't
particularly like each other.
It was like two one-legged
men, having to...
...strap themselves to each other.
- Two one-legged men split down the middle.
Otherwise you couldn't stand up,
and after a while learned to walk.
We didn't really have
an idea of sound or...
even a band, really.
We just always believed
in quite an old fashioned way, in songs.
Complete faith is what we lived inside,
the only thing we had, really.
We didn't have religion and...
I know we had love affairs
and whatever, and drugs
but nothing that really captured you
completely, and songs did that.
I had always lived inside songs,
and so had he.
And then we created our own ones
and that was that.
Our next guests are a terrific
rock and roll band from London
and this is their American
network television debut.
The CD is entitled Up the Bracket.
Please welcome The Libertines.
It's The Libertines.
The Libertines there,
fan-fucking-tastic, yes!
Finally, I think simply the coolest band
on the planet
it is The Libertines!
There they are!
I'm very excited to have you
on the show.
The thing about The Libertines
that people don't realise
it was just so incredibly exciting
at the beginning.
It was almost like seeing
The Beatles in Hamburg.
I was never there,
but I imagine it was like
seeing The Beatles in Hamburg.
And the thing about them, Peter and Carl
were so obviously talented
and there was so much going on
and the pressure on them
must've just been incredible.
It was just like song after song,
gig after gig
it was like a speeding train
and it was never gonna stop.
And that was what was so exciting.
From one moment,
nobody knew who they were.
Ten minutes later,
everybody wanted a bit of them.
And the winner is...
the winners are The Libertines!
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
it's been a hell of a year.
Yeah. Listen though,
just give us two seconds, right, Carl...
I knew a simple soldier boy.
Who grinned through life in empty joy.
He slept soundly through
the lonesome dark.
And whistled early with the lark.
And in winter trenches,
cowed and glum
with cramps and lice and lack of rum
he put a bullet...
Through his brain,
and no one spoke of him again.
You smug face crowds with kindling eye
who cheer as soldier boys march by.
Sneak home and pray you'll never know
the hell where youth...
...and laughter go.
"Don't Look Back Into The Sun"
by The Libertines
I know what you asked,
and I'll try to avoid the question.
Let me put it this way.
I follow my nose.
Someday, the whole sky is going to light up
and it's going to say, tilt.
And that's going to be
the end of the world.
"How Does It Feel To Feel"
by The Creation
obviously, things changed
once Pete broke into Carl's flat.
And there was the prison episode
and the beginning of the second album.
It was just... I don't know.
I think maybe
the pressure got to them too much.
And I know Carl found it really hard.
I'm sure Pete found it really hard as well.
There was just something...
It was a really tough time
for everyone involved.
Heaven knows how it happened.
What's happened in the last year? Um...
More jails, institutions and death.
True love and then true disaster.
A punch up the hooter.
Down the hatch, up the bracket
and all along the watchtower.
Were you sometimes afraid
or worried by the dark sides of Peter?
It got worse.
First time I realised I had habit,
a heroine dependency
was when The Libertines went to Japan.
Which would've been quite soon
after we got signed, I think.
And it was on the aeroplane,
I started withdrawing and I...
I realised, I mean, I knew it was coming.
I wasn't daft.
I knew that it was addictive
and it just had never...
Never been without it long enough
to feel the effects of withdrawal.
And I was on the aeroplane, you know,
with this new up-and-coming band
the world at our feet,
and I realised that I was a...
a heroin addict.
And I remember coming off the plane,
and sweating and a bit sick
and I remember Carl sort of
looking at me knowingly
and everyone else just thought
I was a bit travel sick.
I didn't even know,
I didn't care to be honest
who was watching or who knew,
I just opened my guitar case
lifted the guitar,
and just saw this lump of foil.
And meanwhile,
the dogs had come straight for me
and because of the photographers,
it was like, "Welcome to Japan.
Really sorry about the dogs,
they get a bit excited."
I'm thinking yeah, they get a bit excited
when they smell fucking heroin.
Went back to the hotel, bang,
I'm smoking it.
And it was then I realised that...
I was dependent on this stuff.
But I remember the change
being almost instant.
Bing.
Felt on top of the world,
felt $1,000,000.
Down to the lobby,
"Right, what's going on?"
And everyone was like
"oh, Pete, you look really well"
and I remember Carl saying to me,
"Yeah I was a bit worried, mate
when I saw you at the airport.
You looked really pale and sick
and you looked like death.
I thought, to be honest,
I thought you had a heroin habit.
But look at you now.
You look better than you've ever looked,"
you know.
I'm like, "Yeah don't worry about me."
A kind of disbelief really, at first,
that it would actually happen
which then evolved into...
a disintegration, really, of spirit.
So, it was betrayal
and in the same way,
he saw my drug use as betrayal
of some unspoken rule he had in his mind.
He thought I was letting him down
and that I was just going to stop doing
what I'd just discovered
and quite enjoying.
Babyshambles was created in a way
that I was able to sustain my own...
you know, my own destiny
no matter how corrupt that was.
The thing with those three records,
the two Libertines records
and the Babyshambles records,
they capture something about England.
They're full of Englishness,
they're full of the Albion, shall we say.
They're incredibly poetic records
and full of life and melody and energy.
And even though they may not have
maybe looked upon at the time
I think in years to come, people
are going to really love those records.
"Albion" by Babyshambles
So you haven't slept last night?
Not really, not in the end.
That's five days I went, nearly.
I know,
I'm starting to talk to the furniture.
Well, I'm not surprised really,
after what that sofa did to me.
It stole my keys.
And it made me think
that this French bloke had done it.
A really nice, innocent Frenchman.
If such a thing exists.
Sorry, guys, the French van's late.
I had to get off the fucking train, like...
That's why we're so late, you know.
You've got no idea,
we've been through hell and high water.
Four and a half hours,
we've been on this train now.
It's an absolute joke.
I don't know if you can hear me,
but listen, I'm going to...
I'll try and do this for you, like...
INDISTINCT... playing songs for
people who won't listen to them.
I can go anywhere I like
in England tonight.
Come to a room full of people
who talk shit while I play, so...
There's no point carrying on,
you know what I mean?
Thank you, you're a gentleman.
So to everyone who's listening
and who's into it, thank you.
To everyone who's talking
I'm really sorry to interrupt deep
conversation with my silly songs, right?
So on one hand, thank you.
On the other hand, fuck you, right?
OK, cheers.
So maybe I was wrong,
you're not scared of death?
What, scared of it?
Yeah.
- No.
That's the one thing I'm not scared of,
I'm scared of everything else.
That's why we didn't get to
the cashpoint just now.
Fucking petrified.
Why?
Why? Well...
because of the way I dress,
because of the way I feel.
I think I've done that a lot
in my life as well.
I've got myself in situations
with people and then
just turned instantly, switch, freak out.
So I've never been able to
explain to them.
They must just think,
"What the fuck's wrong with him?"
Like. Actually, I've...
It's almost like a snap...
in my head,
and all of a sudden there's...
it's just not, like, healthy.
Like, you know, I need to be just sat.
What I was thinking of
was getting back right here.
Exactly here,
exactly where we were, right?
Memories of a love-hate
relationship with the stage
and I'm scared but I'm exhilarating.
If the whole world tells you
you are the one
I defy you not to believe them,
my son.
And I see you judging me
people on the street,
and in the subways
and all kinds of different sandwich shops
and remember that look
every time you go on stage.
So you're petrified of life, but still...
it must be so violent then,
when you go on stage then?
Before, just before?
Yeah, you know that though, don't you?
Yeah.
It's impossible, it's killing me.
It's killing me.
It kills me every time. It's murder.
It's the horrors, I...
I... I knew it, but I knew it from...
Because even for something
like me or anybody... anybody...
oK, let's put in between brackets,
"normal"
which is not the right word at all,
but you get me.
To go on stage is scary
but to go to the ATM
and on the way, getting petrified
is not happening to me.
Yeah.
Yeah, that'd be something simple, right?
Yeah.
It's just what I do naturally.
It's what comes to me,
it's who I am.
And it's how I define myself
when I'm sat with a pencil
or guitar or my typewriter.
It's immediate.
I need to create
and burrow into these holes and tunnels
under the city, in the hillside.
If I haven't slept,
then life is turgid and dark
and dangerous and dramatic
instant and controversial.
When I've slept, then life is beautiful,
you know...
melodic and peaceful and creative.
Let's just say after three or four days
without sleep
it becomes quite a dark tunnel
that I inhabit.
But on the whole, on the surface
it's not so dark.
No. Yeah.
The great thrill comes from playing live
but there was always an element of
walking up to the gallows, maybe.
Not like nerves or being worried
about anything in particular, I think.
It's just some unspecific,
unnameable terror.
Maybe anxiety just comes from
the anticipation of
being so close to that fevered state.
It's like the narcotic effect,
you know, of driving music
and the driving energy.
Like there's some trap door
being pulled out from underneath you.
But more often than not, you just, like...
you swing down to a joyous place,
you know?
My mum's from Anfield.
I was never a Liverpool fan
but, you know, all that side of
the family's from Anfield.
It was expected that I would be,
because I love football
but Dad supported QPR and that's
always been my team
but the first games
I went to were at Anfield.
I think I was four or five
and my dad got a couple of tickets
and we were sat around the halfway line
but I spent the whole game
just watching the Kop, you know
and this would've been the mid-'80s
so you can imagine what it was like.
A throbbing, writhing mass of bodies
which would occasionally break into
something completely unified
seemingly spontaneous,
you know, in that very small area
25,000 people crushed together
all suddenly burst into the same song
or the same hand gesture
or raising scarves
or anything that tribal.
That fascinated me much more
than the football.
Going to a match
and singing and screaming
and shouting and jumping around
and then when the Taylor Report kicked in
and the terraces disappeared
and they put seats in
it killed it for me, to be honest.
It was like being asked to go to a disco
and not being able to dance or something.
That was everything for me
was to be part of that unit
impassioned and together
and that's what really
attracted me to music
cos I thought I'm never gonna
score a goal and see the crowd go nuts.
But that was always what I wanted.
Just to see bodies in chaos
and just a need for chaos and frenzy
so you can fully
express everything.
I love being part of it.
I love watching it.
And then the first sort of gigs
I went to, I thought, fuck yeah.
It can still happen, you know?
Early Stone Roses gigs were like,
equivalent of religious experiences
to that generation,
same as The Smiths.
They were a religious experience.
I felt that, I felt an affinity to that.
But it was like I'd come
after Jesus had died, you know?
The Beatles did a lot of seated theatres
to screaming teenage girls.
It was a different vibe, you know.
When the lyrics or the poetry
of punk combined with
that rock and roll energy
it created a new crowd,
which was more a mosh pit.
Like exactly the same as
a football terrace, you know.
Tapped into something ancient,
built into our DNA.
And I thought, fuck, you know,
it can still...
it can still happen.
People still do...
believe, if you like, you know.
So we put extra hours
into building a church.
Does Magna Carta
mean nothing to you?
Did she die in vain?
Now sit that chicken wing down!
I'm acting my own stuff.
Chicken sandwich!
- Wait a second!
You're a good guy!
I don't remember having that done.
I was so drunk, they shouldn't have done it
cos apparently I could hardly walk.
And...
I was with two of my friends
and they have tattoos as well
but I don't remember having it done.
I woke up and I was like "Oh, my God."
No, he's a good guy, but...
again, he has his moments, you know,
when he's been awake for too long or...
He can be a bit silly.
But we all can, you know.
But mainly, most of the time,
he's too nice.
He's nicer than most people,
that's for sure.
He's a very loyal person.
Who needs the television?
Well, we can edit that and have me in
like a flying kick, knocking him out.
Hard drugs entered my life
and slowly, slowly
very quickly took control.
I think I'd always had this
air of mystery and fantasy
about laudanum and opium and cocaine
and Kubla Khan, Chatterton,
Hunter Thompson.
So this horrible little wrap that I had
of skanky, cheap street-quality heroin
in my mind became like a sacred key
to another dimension.
I was working in a bar at that time
in Amwell Village
in London, called Filthy MacNastiy's
and I remember
I had it in my pocket one night
and I remember closing up
at the end of my shift
and locking the bar.
I lived in a little room upstairs.
And then smoking this heroin
and deliberately lying down
expecting these incredible dreams.
Floods and dragons.
It wasn't a very scientific study.
I had no understanding, really, of heroin.
That came later.
A couple of years later.
See, the moves I had in my fantasies
like, when I was younger,
kicking a ball against the wall
and dribbling through
the lampposts and trees
somehow it never quite
made the leap into reality.
You know, the overhead kick
that I perfected on my bed.
It never really worked out
on the football pitch, you know?
For the school team.
And this kind of formulaic
discrepancy between fantasy and reality
it plagued my creative freehold
ever since, ever after.
Indeed it plays havoc with whatever
area of my life knows the rules to havoc
and wants to play havoc.
Fancy a game of havoc?
Tomorrow I go to court.
Erm... I'll get a very stern look
off the magistrate
and then she will review the situation
and she'll say
"Look, last year, last July
or whenever it was
you came here,
you were very lucky not to go to jail.
We gave you an 18-month probation order.
It's quite clear that you have not
respected, you know, this opportunity.
You haven't tested clean... that often."
Although I have tested clean quite a lot
so I have that in my favour.
And then she's going to say,
"Right, I have no choice really but to
you know...
to give you a custodial sentence,
otherwise people are going to...
you know, gonna think you're getting
privileged treatment, and..."
She knows that I've got a huge...
A huge fear of going to jail.
It's fucking going to be hell.
So she's going to know
I'm gonna be frightened.
So boring.
You know, you're just locked
in a room 23 hours a day.
And then the other hour
you're either, like,
walking around a concrete yard
with like, you know, hundreds of maniacs.
"Doherty!
Go on, son!
Wahey! You shagged Kate Moss!"
Yeah. It's really hard work
on the head and the soul, I'd say.
You got no money, you got no phone,
you got nothing.
You just...
you just got yourself and...
back to basics.
But it's awful, it's really hard,
and it's very...
You got no privacy,
you can't even...
You can't even go to the toilet
on your own, you know.
You share a room.
And because I'm famous and that
especially famous in that kind of world,
that culture, you know
people read the tabloids
and all kind of shit they write about me.
It's murder, it's right in your face,
you know.
How is it? Is it every day?
I don't know. I don't read it to be honest.
I think it's been quite quiet recently.
The last thing I heard
was that I was a Scientologist...
apparently.
You know,
it's just complete rubbish.
I just take it for granted
that people know that it's absolute shit.
Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that,
you know.
RADlO CHATTERS IN FRENCH
Hello.
Oi! Oi! Oi!
What is success for you?
I was successful when I was begging,
I suppose.
Talk about success. Er...
You know what? The only reason
you've caught me there with that, actually
because you know how
I think of my father.
I know one day things might be
reconciled in a different way.
They might be
reconciled in a successful way.
He always said to me, "Look..."
When it reached a stage
he understood that I wasn't
going to be doing any of the things
that he might have had in mind for his son.
He just said to me...
"Whatever you do, be successful at it."
That's why he couldn't
understand it when I...
I declared that me and
this lad called Carlos
were going to make a go of a band
and write songs
and become a successful
songwriting partnership.
Because he said, "What did I tell you?
If you're going to do something,
do it successfully."
He said, "You can't write songs.
You show no propensity
towards musical accomplishment.
You can't sing. You're not even...
Son, what did I tell you?"
"You said be a success..."
Yeah, dad.
Look...
thanks to you and your military...
and the military background
that you've given me
I've spent a lot of my time...
basically kicking stones
on the corner of a street
on a crappy estate behind barbed wire
and I'm not allowed to do...
be part of reality.
I devised my own reality.
And I've spent a long time
in this fantasy world, and I assure you
right, this is meticulously coordinated.
It is going to be a success.
Alright, trust me.
Maybe happiness is not being able
to know what's going to happen.
Maybe if we knew the end of the story,
there wouldn't be any more story.
Are we forgotten?
Do we forget?
I can't remember how many times
I've turned against the wall.
There comes a time when time itself
doesn't matter anymore.
It's going to last years,
this strange navigation
upon the indistinct shores of life.
Painting, it's like
a close inspection of the psyche
incorporating an interpretation
and quite often a kind of
filtration of society
and of the very small part of the world
that I inhabit.
It's a desperate attempt
that I make time and time again
to satisfy myself.
I'm slowly moving forward.
Tip, tip, tip... Tap, tap, tap...
And yet at the same time,
going round in these circles
that bring me back to...
Oscar Wilde and Dostoyevsky
and Joyce.
And the things really
that inspired me in the beginning
and continue to do so.
And like... I get an enormous
amount of pleasure
from messing about on canvasses,
an enormous amount of pleasure.
It's not... it's not just my escape.
It's my arrival and my departure.
And... my first, my last, my everything.
I'm thinking...
Sold out!
If you look around this place, yeah,
people know what a legend is.
If Oscar Wilde was alive today
he'd be chastised as Pete Doherty.
Oscar Wilde. Pete Doherty.
Same thing.
If Oscar Wilde was alive today,
he'd be in prison.
I re-read Crime and Punishment.
The fourth time now I've gone through that.
I love that book.
Is that a real guillotine?
- Yeah.
Yeah?
The last one that killed someone in France.
- No!
It is quite creepy, innit?
- Yeah.
It's quite a strange way as well, isn't it?
To... punish people?
It's like a public celebration, isn't it?
Fucking hell, it goes on, doesn't it?
How much punishment do they want?
Look at this, people are animals.
It's a fucking...
These are amazing.
Oh, my gawd.
Listen, you've got to take care of
yourself at some point.
Yes, something does have to be done.
You know, you're right.
You're right there.
You know, you've got to
concentrate on yourself at some point.
If it's not going to be rehab,
it's going to have to be an implant.
That's the two choices
you've got at the moment.
You have to do something, right?
So... yeah.
Keep that thought there, you are.
You are going for an implant
whether you like it or not.
I know... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll be there, I'll come with you.
What's the fucking worst it can do?
Since how long I see Peter?
I suppose maybe from
four or five or six years,
cos it's quite special.
But not only Peter, with other patients
because they are so vulnerable,
at the same time
they are very strong,
they are arrogant.
They are proud,
but they are so vulnerable.
The implant is a naltrexone implant.
When you talk about opiates,
you can talk about two things
like the agonist and antagonist.
And that means that even if
he's had drugs
it can do nothing.
The courts were saying,
"Look, you have to get this blocker
or you go to jail."
Small capsule that releases pills
once every couple of weeks.
Opiate blockers.
Awful.
Sorry, Peter.
Sorry, Peter...
Can you feel this?
That's the... another patient I have
who made already four or five...
No face. No face.
That's another chap I had
for the same thing.
Bop, bop, bop, bop.
Everyone wants to achieve a point
where he can control himself
where he can work,
where he can love.
And that's what Peter wants to do.
He wants to be a normal...
of course, he likes the rush off the drugs,
but he also wants to be a free guy
and with drugs, he can do nothing.
Get an implant or go to jail.
That was what I was
being presented with half the time.
I mean, who are these people?
It's horrific what they did to me.
You're messing with powerful sides
of the human psyche.
The fucking biological makeup of the brain.
You know, and I was the guinea pig.
We were the guinea pig.
We really were.
Numbing of the spirit and of ambition.
What about the mind?
What about the soul?
This is a programme
about pubs and writers.
Writers in pubs, pubs in books.
Books in pubs...
Subjects that go together like
cheese and onion, mild and bitter
not that you can find many pubs
that will serve you that these days.
How hard has it been for you
to all get back in the room together?
Well, I think it has been quite hard.
You know,
obviously, there's been a lot of...
It's cos you live in Denmark.
- Fucking nightmare.
He lives in Denmark...
He never answers his phone,
and he's been starting a family.
It's odd really, like...
The way we've always communicated
with each other successfully
is through music, and that sounds
really naff but it's true.
And...
that's how and why we're together.
And... sorry. Oh!
Ah.
Sorry. How does it feel?
I don't know yet, cos we haven't
actually been in a room alone together.
So...
Do you see this as part of
your rehabilitation?
Rehabilitation from what?
Well, you know, your drug problems
are well known.
Is this part...
Not really. I'm trying to keep that
as quiet as possible, like.
Oh, really? You know.
As you can imagine, it's quite a...
You know, even just then, me and Carl
had to sneak off for a crafty one
when John wasn't looking.
A crafty cigarette, yes, exactly.
This young man here.
You have a question, yes?
Yeah, from Radio 1.
Have you talked about why you split
in the first place yet?
Well, I don't think
that's something that's...
I think it's pretty
well documented, really. Um...
Really, I never got my side
of the story out to be honest.
Here we go...
does everyone want to get a pint,
and we'll sit in a circle?
You know, forgive and forget.
That's what I say.
Apology accepted, right?
Yeah.
- OK then, any more questions then?
We're wrapping up, so I'm sure...
Course,
you've got the chemistry, I mean...
It's something I've been
dreaming about for six years.
Just to get on a stage and say...
"We're The Libertines."
And it be real and we mean it.
With two crooked fingers,
then that's the biggest euphoria.
It's a long time,
four months away to Reading.
Heaven forbid, but if you do fall
out again, what's going to happen?
If we fall out,
it'll be the same as it ever was.
We're not gonna fall out.
We're not gonna fall out before then.
"When The Lights Go out"
by The Libertines
We're here waiting for Wolfman.
Outside Her Majesty's Prison Pentonville.
Trying to explain to Katia that women
also work as prison officers.
And they love it. Yeah.
He should be coming through this gate.
They've told me anytime between now
which is 7:00 in the morning
and 8:00 this evening.
So typical Wolfman really,
fucking me about.
But it's a proud day for all of us.
And yeah... imagine living there.
I'll tell you about it.
Come over here, love.
We have to hide.
We have to hide,
cos they don't like me anyway in here.
Trust me. That's one thing I know
from my time in prison.
They don't like me in there,
they're not...
Their life is basically a brutal one.
The officers and the prisoners.
Mutual animosity. Mutual mistrust.
Mutual hatred.
It's an aggressive place,
a violent place, it's nasty.
A lot of the prisoners,
a lot of the officers
basically are just, like, fucked up,
twisted people
who live in an aggressive world.
But you have a laugh, you know.
Right, that's it, we'd better get off,
cos it's like...
You can't just film around here.
What are you doing?
Who are you?
Four months in Pentonville.
I don't fancy that, mate.
Any interesting characters though?
Nah. Absolutely none.
All cunts, absolute cunts.
All of them.
- Fucking hell.
And loads of people
said that you owe them.
Yeah, they're gonna say that, aren't they?
I don't owe anyone fuck all.
I'll pull over up there.
He's just had it so bad.
I can't believe he's been in the Ville
for four months.
What a shithole that is.
Four months in Pentonville.
- It's mental, mate.
Murderers. Rapists.
Wolfman.
It was absolutely horrific.
I cried once in there.
Strong love of life, like no one else
in brackets.
I've got to work out what I want to do,
I'm counting down the hours.
Walk on you.
Walk on me, walk on by.
Try living like this. Living a lie.
CONTlNUES SINGING INDISTINCTLY
Right, do you want to hear...
I woke up at 5:50AM,
and I hit the emergency button.
They said I wasn't on the unlocked list.
And that it was not an emergency,
and I'd get a red mark.
I was confused, and I had a coffee.
I weighted up the options.
Part of me wanted to attend
and the other was hurt.
Another part was relieved
that I wouldn't have to spend a day
in an uncomfortable cell
cuffed in a sweat box.
They're horrible,
those cells under the appeal court.
Eh?
- They're horrible, those cells.
Oh, God.
That's where I went for my appeal,
back in my burglary charge.
What's the stuff you've learnt?
I'm gonna be alright in life
as long as I don't flop
and upset everyone by hiding away.
It was all confused.
I didn't mean to hurt people, I just...
My view was,
I'm not doing anything to you
because I didn't think anyone liked me.
I just felt completely worthless.
I've just found out, like...
I've just been working on my self...
Self-esteem, say it.
Self-esteem, yeah.
There's nothing wrong with
being a bit vulnerable.
Hey!
So how do you feel these days?
Hmm?
- How do you feel these days?
I'm quite grateful, I think,
at the moment, you know
to be doing what I'm doing.
Libertines gig's this weekend.
Pressure's mounting
but fuck me, it's gonna be a...
How were the first meetings
with Carl and the boys?
I said stop that.
Yeah. Do you hear me?
Do you hear me?
- I heard you.
Huh?
- I heard you.
OK.
So you've stopped filming?
- I did.
Yeah, oK.
It's like I'm wandering around
in the dark.
I keep bumping into the truth
every now and again
and I'm coming out with these
odd bits of...
insight, but...
when it comes to The Libertines
and all that
I can't think about it all too much,
I'm too involved.
It's too, too...
I'm too confused.
I mean, for lots of reasons.
And no sense can come of it.
I can't really begin to imagine
what's going on at the moment.
I'm sure I'm gonna
look back on this time and gasp
and be pretty annoyed with myself,
how I'm...
how I'm doing things, but...
It's all... Nah, actually,
what am I talking about?
At the moment, it is difficult.
Things are difficult the past few months.
I'm just waiting for these Libertines
gigs to be done.
And to...
get over that enormous obstacle.
Enormous achievement, I think.
It's going to be fucking emotional.
It's going to be fucking impossibly...
wonderful and stressful,
probably going to kill me.
And I can just put paid to a lot of things,
bang, bang, bang, bang.
Just spunk a lot of it.
I'm just...
destroying all these fucking...
facades of an existence, you know,
like ending all these chapters
and then burning the fucking book.
I pray I can sit one day
and watch this with you
and that this isn't, you know...
oh, God.
That you don't watch this bit of
footage now, and, you know...
the day after my funeral or something.
I want to make it
through to the other side.
I do, I do, I do...
I'm not going the right way about it,
I know.
It's all wrong what I'm doing.
I'm going about it the wrong way.
"Don't Look Back Into The Sun"
by The Libertines
Yeah!
Squish boo-boo...
There's no cat food. There's only fish.
What? I'm sorry.
Sorry!
So fussy.
Look, if this fish is good enough for me,
then it's good enough for you.
Oh!
It's definitely good enough for you now.
There you go.
Look at this mess, honestly,
who lives here?
Great ramp of kabbible.
Maybe it'll take a little... oops.
Oh yeah.
Just to use up the last drops of... petrol.
There we go, all down his foot.
Ooh.
This is how the Chinese did it
thousands of years ago.
Is this legal? Probably not.
OK...
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Come on. Up you go, up you go!
Reserves, reserves...
Yeah. Go on, son!
Go on. Help it along. Help it along.
Whoa!
Whoa...
Hey!
I love the way the plastic...
when it's melting, it drips down
like that, like melted time.
The passing hours and days and years...
Drip, drip, drip.
OK, show's over, kids.
Everyone out of the pool.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to The Cob Gallery
for the first ever
Pete Doherty auction
of his paintings and his artefacts.
Lot number one is a selection of guitars
owned, played, photographed in
by Pete Doherty.
They're there. These are the guitars
you're bidding on here.
160 is down here.
160.
At 160, 170 with bidder one.
180 with you.
25, in time.
Sold. 2,000.
2,000, and I am selling.
It is going once...
It is going twice.
It has now sold.
1700 now, I have 1700.
1800 here is bid, 1800.
1900 now.
At 1900 for the desk.
Sold.
And sold, 440.
It has now sold.
Sold for 1600.
Sold.
Sold.
Sold, 1200.
And... sold!
1300.
Sold, 3000.
And sold.
320 I had online there.
Last chance...
Last chance, 2900 then.
This is the most exciting
painting of the evening.
Cos this is the personal work of Doherty
in conjunction with Amy Winehouse.
22,000 now.
At 22,000.
25,000.
At 25,000.
At 20.
30.35,000.
Last chance then.
Once.
Twice.
Was that a bid?
Too late! 4...
It's 35,000 down here.
It's 35,000 here.
At 35,000 then on the internet.
At 35,000.
Yes?
Forever alive, forever forward. Stately.
Solemn.
Sad.
Withdrawn, baffled. Mad.
Turbulent. Feeble. Dissatisfied.
Desperate. Proud. Fond. Sick.
Accepted by men. Rejected by men.
If I wasn't on drugs, I probably
wouldn't be in the place I'm in now
doing the things I'm doing
in most aspects of my life...
To be honest.
What do you mean? What do you mean?
What do you mean, want me to get better?
Well...
And why am I even asking you that?
When I never...
Because none of us want to admit
to not being well.
Or...
is it the opposite?
People love to make out that they're ill.
You know, hypochondriac.
Old people, like.
"How are you?" "Ooh! Me back!"
That was like me
this morning admittedly, but...
"ooh, me back!"
You're obviously leaving something since...
what, a week?
Ten days, a week?
Five days, two days?
Not today. Now it's postponed again.
No...
- You postponed your rehab.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
So there's obviously something
going on in your mind
for postponing all the time.
Yeah.
- What's happening?
Um...
Waiting to see if there's another option
for salvation, waiting to see if...
if...
if all these fine minds
logical, intelligent,
as well as being caring
if they conclude that rehab
is the best option, then...
Well, hell. Who am I to fucking argue
again and again and again?
Must be something in it.
But then again, you never know.
You know... strange things do occur.
Someone might just come and save me.
There might be another option.
I don't know.
Inside of those washed and trimmed
faces behold...
a secret, silent loathing and despair.
Yeah, you're right.
Something has changed.
I'm trying to get out of it, aren't I?
I'm trying to get out of it.
So right now,
you do or you don't want to go?
I don't care.
Have the past struggles succeeded?
What have they succeeded?
My call is the call of battle,
I nourish active rebellion.
He going with me must go well armed.
He going with me goes often
with spare diet
poverty, angry enemies, desertions.
Allons! The road is before us.
It is safe, I have tried it.
My own feet have tried it,
be not detained.
Camerado, I will give you my hand!
I give you my love,
more precious than money.
I give you myself
before preaching or law.
Will you give me yourself?
Will you come travel with me?
Shall we stick by each other
as long as we live?
Seems like it's a message
from the gods after all.
It's quite obvious
what they're saying about Thailand.
They're saying,
don't fucking go up there
in an aeroplane whatever you do.
Jesus.
Putting it off. Putting it off,
you know, putting it off in extremis.
Just...
Just one more bag and then we'll do it.
Trying to think of a way just to get myself
through that period of grace at rehab.
Wanted to try and take something with me
so it was all about experiment
with hollowing out apples and things
and little... you know,
the lining of your dressing gown cord.
The lining of pants.
241 kilometres!
241 kilometres, but where're we going?
Happiness!
Alright, we'll get there in no time.
Time had come.
I think I was just, I don't know,
praying that God would intervene
and lightning would strike
the rehab or something
if I put it off long enough,
but it was still standing
and they just put me in this 4X4
and took me to the place.
And all periods of grace were cancelled.
This is a...
a crushed flower.
Crushed flower is just kind
of symbolic of the addict in me
at the moment.
The crushed flower of my addiction.
Welcome, so here we are.
At the...
Well, hope,
and hope changes everything.
It certainly changed me.
Well, I don't have a crack pipe
in my mouth or in my pocket.
There's one in my cabin.
But alas, there's no...
nothing to smoke in it.
And I don't really
feel the need right this second
but then...
um...
Yeah. Day three.
I'm struggling.
I'm struggling with not taking drugs,
of course
which is why I'm in rehab. Erm...
but I'm fit and healthy, ish.
I'm healing, all my sores are healing.
Er...
And I'm a bloody fool
because I'm plotting this
and plotting that, but...
here I remain.
Over and out.
I am struggling a lickle bit today.
Er, yeah, I haven't had
any methadone though, so...
But here we are in paradise.
And yeah, just...
I think I need to sit down
with my typewriter and my guitar
you know,
for a few hours on my own, and...
you know, get back in touch
with my creative ambitions
cos I know they're there, but...
I want dwugs, I want dwugs!
Wee! Me!
It's getting more and more difficult
by the day, I guess.
Yeah, I'm Pete and I'm an addict. Yeah.
How dare they?
How dare I?
How dare I get fucking clean?
Mark my words,
there will be hell to pay.
You can't just leave that monkey
lying there by the side of the pool.
You gotta take it home and feed it.
Yeah. You know what's going to happen,
don't you?
That monkey's gonna come crawling.
Might not be tonight.
Might not be tomorrow.
But slowly, inch by inch
night by night,
that monkey gonna find you.
It's gonna come
and when you least expect it
it's gonna sneak up on you, go "bargh!"
No...
"Corpses in their Mouths"
by Ian Brown
Good day, really good day.
Probably the best day yet in treatment.
Feel... feel good, really.
Got over my relapse.
I think my body...
it's like I've got my energy back.
Um...
Carl came back too, as well, which is...
I was a little bit concerned about that.
But...
everything's...
everything's just as it should be, really.
I think. I love boo-boo.
They said getting clean was the easy bit.
And 15 years of blocked emotions
coming out...
that's going to be the tricky bit.
And that's what I'm running away from.
Because it has been quite an emotional...
couple of days, really.
Just the way everything
makes me cry, really.
But anyway, you know...
I don't quite...
It made sense at the time.
I think I just needed to hear him say
that that's how it was for him.
It is 10 o'clock on Thursday
20th of November.
And I'm clean.
I've got my piss test there.
Hang on a second. I'll go get it.
I'm clean of cocaine, clean of heroin
clean of amphetamines,
and THC which is weed
and I'm also clean of methadone.
Now, I have had a Valium
so I'm not quite clean
of Benzedrines yet, but...
I think that will do for today's message.
I feel proud.
I do feel proud.
OK. See you tomorrow.
Yeah. Last two days have been oK,
I suppose.
Not much of a struggle.
But I feel good, went out tonight
just me and boo-boo
and didn't have a drink, so...
you know, I'm OK, I'm good.
I feel clean. I do.
I mean, I'm here and I'm not using.
I have had a few drinks.
It's not really the
same. I know, but it is.
I feel good, I feel at peace.
But I think the only way you can be clean
is to follow the steps.
So...
We'll see, we'll see what happens.
We'll see.
"The Boy With The Thorn In His Side"
by The Smiths
Don't think it would
ever have occurred to me
that he would appear on stage.
I wasn't ready for that,
nor was I welcoming, particularly at first.
You can see me smiling
but I was genuinely
shocked that he knew the words.
But he'd never come to gigs before.
I think that the only gig he'd ever seen
was an early Libertines gig in Germany
because he was still
posted in Germany in those days.
And then eight years of not talking to me.
And then another eight years,
so it's 15 years now
since he's even been to a show
and he wanders on stage, you know...
singing What A Waster
and doing that strange gesture
for the lyric about having
it going up her nose.
He is a bit of a karaoke maestro,
I think anyway.
So all these years later,
for him to come on
and know the lyrics as well, it was...
Honestly, I was a bit shocked
and embarrassed almost as much
by the fact my mum came on stage
with a birthday cake.
And had this crowd singing Happy Birthday.
You know...
It's supposed to be like
rock and roll mythology
but it was just like... a bit naff.
But I love them.
Happy birth...
It made peace, you know.
Quite a magical moment.
I'm just grateful that he's not
disowned me anymore, you know.
Funny old world, isn't it?
I've been through an incredible journey
of consciousness, unconsciousness,
subconsciousness
and psychedelic, psychotropic
consciousness
chemical and intellectual curiosity
which sadly led to great
physical dependency
and physical degradation
from which I seem to have emerged.
Some days are more difficult than others.
It's a bit like a balancing act,
a high wire act, you know.
Just keep from falling.
It was a deep immersion in that life
and there's a great difference
between being clean
and being able to live
happy and free, clean
you know?
I can be clean
but I'm still putting time
between that immersion
and coming out of the waters.
It will take a little bit of time to dry.
I think I'd be interested in
working with people
who are in the thick of addiction.
I think I'd be pretty well qualified
to help them.
If anyone wants any help.
The talent is the man
and comes from the man,
and comes from the artist
and doesn't come from the drugs
and it never has come from the drugs.
Part of the fun and the challenge
of creating
is to create in spite of circumstances
so, in spite of being a drug addict
or in spite of being clean
I will create.
"Looking For Someone Else To Be"
by Pete Doherty and the Puta Madres
How to talk about memories?
Very unreliable.
What did actually happen?
Flashes, mostly.
Joy, catastrophe.
How to describe a life when it never stops
slipping like sand between your fingers?
How to look at yourself in the mirror
when you step across
the threshold of reflection all the while.
OK, Pete, if you can now
tilt your head to an angle.
Imagine you're hanging on a cross
and your head is slightly on one side.
There are some concrete memories.
Places. Coventry, 1994.
Most kids were fiddling with
the dog-eared ends of the century.
No, they weren't.
They were going to
the Eagles disco in Bedworth.
I had to stay in behind
the barbed wire of the army camp
whatever military barracks we lived in.
Pull it out backwards,
mind your hair a bit.
It's a bit bright, mate.
There you go.
- Fantastic.
Look at all that.
- Beautiful.
Excellent.
- Let me see that.
I was the new kid
always, always, moving always.
I was never a boffin.
I was clever.
I was a dreamer, I was a clown.
I was reading everything,
whatever I could get my hands on.
Now these are my notes.
Writing, scraps of music, songs, poems.
That which can't be captured
in a neat, arranged story
because there is no neat, arranged story.
Now I fall through these scraps.
Doesn't matter how far you fall,
it's how hard you land
and where.
And I landed in a...
well, I landed on a stage.
HARMONlCA PLAYS
We lived on a barracks.
There's marching and tanks.
Assault courses,
barbed wire on fences and check posts
and armed soldiers everywhere
and everyone that wasn't a spouse or child
or someone in the army was in uniform
and to go to school,
you had to leave the barracks
or in Northern Ireland, looking under
the cars for bombs before you drove away
or, you know, never, ever telling anyone
your dad was in the army.
He was a sergeant major
and a regimental sergeant major.
He was the man that they
used to keep people in order.
Stand by your beds! Fall in!
Move yourself! Move!
Him and my mum,
who was a military nurse when they met
and married within a week
they had this vision as well
of quite a strict family code
and polishing your shoes,
and no answering back.
Yeah, everything was
revolved around the discipline
and the military life,
so that was that was just the normality
and I think to 12, 13, it was just central
to your identity and your life
and then...
as I got to 14, 15, 16, 17
it became an obstacle to the identity
that was naturally
being forged as I grew up.
Just this idea that, you know,
you couldn't do anything, really.
You know, I just wanted to be elsewhere
or wanted to live in a world
where I didn't...
wasn't subjected to barbed wire.
At that point, it was just a question of
how quickly I could get out.
I wasn't a particularly good guitarist,
but I knew a few chords
and I had ideas for songs
and they seemed to fit together
with, like, the half-ideas he had.
So even though we didn't
particularly like each other.
It was like two one-legged
men, having to...
...strap themselves to each other.
- Two one-legged men split down the middle.
Otherwise you couldn't stand up,
and after a while learned to walk.
We didn't really have
an idea of sound or...
even a band, really.
We just always believed
in quite an old fashioned way, in songs.
Complete faith is what we lived inside,
the only thing we had, really.
We didn't have religion and...
I know we had love affairs
and whatever, and drugs
but nothing that really captured you
completely, and songs did that.
I had always lived inside songs,
and so had he.
And then we created our own ones
and that was that.
Our next guests are a terrific
rock and roll band from London
and this is their American
network television debut.
The CD is entitled Up the Bracket.
Please welcome The Libertines.
It's The Libertines.
The Libertines there,
fan-fucking-tastic, yes!
Finally, I think simply the coolest band
on the planet
it is The Libertines!
There they are!
I'm very excited to have you
on the show.
The thing about The Libertines
that people don't realise
it was just so incredibly exciting
at the beginning.
It was almost like seeing
The Beatles in Hamburg.
I was never there,
but I imagine it was like
seeing The Beatles in Hamburg.
And the thing about them, Peter and Carl
were so obviously talented
and there was so much going on
and the pressure on them
must've just been incredible.
It was just like song after song,
gig after gig
it was like a speeding train
and it was never gonna stop.
And that was what was so exciting.
From one moment,
nobody knew who they were.
Ten minutes later,
everybody wanted a bit of them.
And the winner is...
the winners are The Libertines!
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
it's been a hell of a year.
Yeah. Listen though,
just give us two seconds, right, Carl...
I knew a simple soldier boy.
Who grinned through life in empty joy.
He slept soundly through
the lonesome dark.
And whistled early with the lark.
And in winter trenches,
cowed and glum
with cramps and lice and lack of rum
he put a bullet...
Through his brain,
and no one spoke of him again.
You smug face crowds with kindling eye
who cheer as soldier boys march by.
Sneak home and pray you'll never know
the hell where youth...
...and laughter go.
"Don't Look Back Into The Sun"
by The Libertines
I know what you asked,
and I'll try to avoid the question.
Let me put it this way.
I follow my nose.
Someday, the whole sky is going to light up
and it's going to say, tilt.
And that's going to be
the end of the world.
"How Does It Feel To Feel"
by The Creation
obviously, things changed
once Pete broke into Carl's flat.
And there was the prison episode
and the beginning of the second album.
It was just... I don't know.
I think maybe
the pressure got to them too much.
And I know Carl found it really hard.
I'm sure Pete found it really hard as well.
There was just something...
It was a really tough time
for everyone involved.
Heaven knows how it happened.
What's happened in the last year? Um...
More jails, institutions and death.
True love and then true disaster.
A punch up the hooter.
Down the hatch, up the bracket
and all along the watchtower.
Were you sometimes afraid
or worried by the dark sides of Peter?
It got worse.
First time I realised I had habit,
a heroine dependency
was when The Libertines went to Japan.
Which would've been quite soon
after we got signed, I think.
And it was on the aeroplane,
I started withdrawing and I...
I realised, I mean, I knew it was coming.
I wasn't daft.
I knew that it was addictive
and it just had never...
Never been without it long enough
to feel the effects of withdrawal.
And I was on the aeroplane, you know,
with this new up-and-coming band
the world at our feet,
and I realised that I was a...
a heroin addict.
And I remember coming off the plane,
and sweating and a bit sick
and I remember Carl sort of
looking at me knowingly
and everyone else just thought
I was a bit travel sick.
I didn't even know,
I didn't care to be honest
who was watching or who knew,
I just opened my guitar case
lifted the guitar,
and just saw this lump of foil.
And meanwhile,
the dogs had come straight for me
and because of the photographers,
it was like, "Welcome to Japan.
Really sorry about the dogs,
they get a bit excited."
I'm thinking yeah, they get a bit excited
when they smell fucking heroin.
Went back to the hotel, bang,
I'm smoking it.
And it was then I realised that...
I was dependent on this stuff.
But I remember the change
being almost instant.
Bing.
Felt on top of the world,
felt $1,000,000.
Down to the lobby,
"Right, what's going on?"
And everyone was like
"oh, Pete, you look really well"
and I remember Carl saying to me,
"Yeah I was a bit worried, mate
when I saw you at the airport.
You looked really pale and sick
and you looked like death.
I thought, to be honest,
I thought you had a heroin habit.
But look at you now.
You look better than you've ever looked,"
you know.
I'm like, "Yeah don't worry about me."
A kind of disbelief really, at first,
that it would actually happen
which then evolved into...
a disintegration, really, of spirit.
So, it was betrayal
and in the same way,
he saw my drug use as betrayal
of some unspoken rule he had in his mind.
He thought I was letting him down
and that I was just going to stop doing
what I'd just discovered
and quite enjoying.
Babyshambles was created in a way
that I was able to sustain my own...
you know, my own destiny
no matter how corrupt that was.
The thing with those three records,
the two Libertines records
and the Babyshambles records,
they capture something about England.
They're full of Englishness,
they're full of the Albion, shall we say.
They're incredibly poetic records
and full of life and melody and energy.
And even though they may not have
maybe looked upon at the time
I think in years to come, people
are going to really love those records.
"Albion" by Babyshambles
So you haven't slept last night?
Not really, not in the end.
That's five days I went, nearly.
I know,
I'm starting to talk to the furniture.
Well, I'm not surprised really,
after what that sofa did to me.
It stole my keys.
And it made me think
that this French bloke had done it.
A really nice, innocent Frenchman.
If such a thing exists.
Sorry, guys, the French van's late.
I had to get off the fucking train, like...
That's why we're so late, you know.
You've got no idea,
we've been through hell and high water.
Four and a half hours,
we've been on this train now.
It's an absolute joke.
I don't know if you can hear me,
but listen, I'm going to...
I'll try and do this for you, like...
INDISTINCT... playing songs for
people who won't listen to them.
I can go anywhere I like
in England tonight.
Come to a room full of people
who talk shit while I play, so...
There's no point carrying on,
you know what I mean?
Thank you, you're a gentleman.
So to everyone who's listening
and who's into it, thank you.
To everyone who's talking
I'm really sorry to interrupt deep
conversation with my silly songs, right?
So on one hand, thank you.
On the other hand, fuck you, right?
OK, cheers.
So maybe I was wrong,
you're not scared of death?
What, scared of it?
Yeah.
- No.
That's the one thing I'm not scared of,
I'm scared of everything else.
That's why we didn't get to
the cashpoint just now.
Fucking petrified.
Why?
Why? Well...
because of the way I dress,
because of the way I feel.
I think I've done that a lot
in my life as well.
I've got myself in situations
with people and then
just turned instantly, switch, freak out.
So I've never been able to
explain to them.
They must just think,
"What the fuck's wrong with him?"
Like. Actually, I've...
It's almost like a snap...
in my head,
and all of a sudden there's...
it's just not, like, healthy.
Like, you know, I need to be just sat.
What I was thinking of
was getting back right here.
Exactly here,
exactly where we were, right?
Memories of a love-hate
relationship with the stage
and I'm scared but I'm exhilarating.
If the whole world tells you
you are the one
I defy you not to believe them,
my son.
And I see you judging me
people on the street,
and in the subways
and all kinds of different sandwich shops
and remember that look
every time you go on stage.
So you're petrified of life, but still...
it must be so violent then,
when you go on stage then?
Before, just before?
Yeah, you know that though, don't you?
Yeah.
It's impossible, it's killing me.
It's killing me.
It kills me every time. It's murder.
It's the horrors, I...
I... I knew it, but I knew it from...
Because even for something
like me or anybody... anybody...
oK, let's put in between brackets,
"normal"
which is not the right word at all,
but you get me.
To go on stage is scary
but to go to the ATM
and on the way, getting petrified
is not happening to me.
Yeah.
Yeah, that'd be something simple, right?
Yeah.
It's just what I do naturally.
It's what comes to me,
it's who I am.
And it's how I define myself
when I'm sat with a pencil
or guitar or my typewriter.
It's immediate.
I need to create
and burrow into these holes and tunnels
under the city, in the hillside.
If I haven't slept,
then life is turgid and dark
and dangerous and dramatic
instant and controversial.
When I've slept, then life is beautiful,
you know...
melodic and peaceful and creative.
Let's just say after three or four days
without sleep
it becomes quite a dark tunnel
that I inhabit.
But on the whole, on the surface
it's not so dark.
No. Yeah.
The great thrill comes from playing live
but there was always an element of
walking up to the gallows, maybe.
Not like nerves or being worried
about anything in particular, I think.
It's just some unspecific,
unnameable terror.
Maybe anxiety just comes from
the anticipation of
being so close to that fevered state.
It's like the narcotic effect,
you know, of driving music
and the driving energy.
Like there's some trap door
being pulled out from underneath you.
But more often than not, you just, like...
you swing down to a joyous place,
you know?
My mum's from Anfield.
I was never a Liverpool fan
but, you know, all that side of
the family's from Anfield.
It was expected that I would be,
because I love football
but Dad supported QPR and that's
always been my team
but the first games
I went to were at Anfield.
I think I was four or five
and my dad got a couple of tickets
and we were sat around the halfway line
but I spent the whole game
just watching the Kop, you know
and this would've been the mid-'80s
so you can imagine what it was like.
A throbbing, writhing mass of bodies
which would occasionally break into
something completely unified
seemingly spontaneous,
you know, in that very small area
25,000 people crushed together
all suddenly burst into the same song
or the same hand gesture
or raising scarves
or anything that tribal.
That fascinated me much more
than the football.
Going to a match
and singing and screaming
and shouting and jumping around
and then when the Taylor Report kicked in
and the terraces disappeared
and they put seats in
it killed it for me, to be honest.
It was like being asked to go to a disco
and not being able to dance or something.
That was everything for me
was to be part of that unit
impassioned and together
and that's what really
attracted me to music
cos I thought I'm never gonna
score a goal and see the crowd go nuts.
But that was always what I wanted.
Just to see bodies in chaos
and just a need for chaos and frenzy
so you can fully
express everything.
I love being part of it.
I love watching it.
And then the first sort of gigs
I went to, I thought, fuck yeah.
It can still happen, you know?
Early Stone Roses gigs were like,
equivalent of religious experiences
to that generation,
same as The Smiths.
They were a religious experience.
I felt that, I felt an affinity to that.
But it was like I'd come
after Jesus had died, you know?
The Beatles did a lot of seated theatres
to screaming teenage girls.
It was a different vibe, you know.
When the lyrics or the poetry
of punk combined with
that rock and roll energy
it created a new crowd,
which was more a mosh pit.
Like exactly the same as
a football terrace, you know.
Tapped into something ancient,
built into our DNA.
And I thought, fuck, you know,
it can still...
it can still happen.
People still do...
believe, if you like, you know.
So we put extra hours
into building a church.
Does Magna Carta
mean nothing to you?
Did she die in vain?
Now sit that chicken wing down!
I'm acting my own stuff.
Chicken sandwich!
- Wait a second!
You're a good guy!
I don't remember having that done.
I was so drunk, they shouldn't have done it
cos apparently I could hardly walk.
And...
I was with two of my friends
and they have tattoos as well
but I don't remember having it done.
I woke up and I was like "Oh, my God."
No, he's a good guy, but...
again, he has his moments, you know,
when he's been awake for too long or...
He can be a bit silly.
But we all can, you know.
But mainly, most of the time,
he's too nice.
He's nicer than most people,
that's for sure.
He's a very loyal person.
Who needs the television?
Well, we can edit that and have me in
like a flying kick, knocking him out.
Hard drugs entered my life
and slowly, slowly
very quickly took control.
I think I'd always had this
air of mystery and fantasy
about laudanum and opium and cocaine
and Kubla Khan, Chatterton,
Hunter Thompson.
So this horrible little wrap that I had
of skanky, cheap street-quality heroin
in my mind became like a sacred key
to another dimension.
I was working in a bar at that time
in Amwell Village
in London, called Filthy MacNastiy's
and I remember
I had it in my pocket one night
and I remember closing up
at the end of my shift
and locking the bar.
I lived in a little room upstairs.
And then smoking this heroin
and deliberately lying down
expecting these incredible dreams.
Floods and dragons.
It wasn't a very scientific study.
I had no understanding, really, of heroin.
That came later.
A couple of years later.
See, the moves I had in my fantasies
like, when I was younger,
kicking a ball against the wall
and dribbling through
the lampposts and trees
somehow it never quite
made the leap into reality.
You know, the overhead kick
that I perfected on my bed.
It never really worked out
on the football pitch, you know?
For the school team.
And this kind of formulaic
discrepancy between fantasy and reality
it plagued my creative freehold
ever since, ever after.
Indeed it plays havoc with whatever
area of my life knows the rules to havoc
and wants to play havoc.
Fancy a game of havoc?
Tomorrow I go to court.
Erm... I'll get a very stern look
off the magistrate
and then she will review the situation
and she'll say
"Look, last year, last July
or whenever it was
you came here,
you were very lucky not to go to jail.
We gave you an 18-month probation order.
It's quite clear that you have not
respected, you know, this opportunity.
You haven't tested clean... that often."
Although I have tested clean quite a lot
so I have that in my favour.
And then she's going to say,
"Right, I have no choice really but to
you know...
to give you a custodial sentence,
otherwise people are going to...
you know, gonna think you're getting
privileged treatment, and..."
She knows that I've got a huge...
A huge fear of going to jail.
It's fucking going to be hell.
So she's going to know
I'm gonna be frightened.
So boring.
You know, you're just locked
in a room 23 hours a day.
And then the other hour
you're either, like,
walking around a concrete yard
with like, you know, hundreds of maniacs.
"Doherty!
Go on, son!
Wahey! You shagged Kate Moss!"
Yeah. It's really hard work
on the head and the soul, I'd say.
You got no money, you got no phone,
you got nothing.
You just...
you just got yourself and...
back to basics.
But it's awful, it's really hard,
and it's very...
You got no privacy,
you can't even...
You can't even go to the toilet
on your own, you know.
You share a room.
And because I'm famous and that
especially famous in that kind of world,
that culture, you know
people read the tabloids
and all kind of shit they write about me.
It's murder, it's right in your face,
you know.
How is it? Is it every day?
I don't know. I don't read it to be honest.
I think it's been quite quiet recently.
The last thing I heard
was that I was a Scientologist...
apparently.
You know,
it's just complete rubbish.
I just take it for granted
that people know that it's absolute shit.
Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that,
you know.
RADlO CHATTERS IN FRENCH
Hello.
Oi! Oi! Oi!
What is success for you?
I was successful when I was begging,
I suppose.
Talk about success. Er...
You know what? The only reason
you've caught me there with that, actually
because you know how
I think of my father.
I know one day things might be
reconciled in a different way.
They might be
reconciled in a successful way.
He always said to me, "Look..."
When it reached a stage
he understood that I wasn't
going to be doing any of the things
that he might have had in mind for his son.
He just said to me...
"Whatever you do, be successful at it."
That's why he couldn't
understand it when I...
I declared that me and
this lad called Carlos
were going to make a go of a band
and write songs
and become a successful
songwriting partnership.
Because he said, "What did I tell you?
If you're going to do something,
do it successfully."
He said, "You can't write songs.
You show no propensity
towards musical accomplishment.
You can't sing. You're not even...
Son, what did I tell you?"
"You said be a success..."
Yeah, dad.
Look...
thanks to you and your military...
and the military background
that you've given me
I've spent a lot of my time...
basically kicking stones
on the corner of a street
on a crappy estate behind barbed wire
and I'm not allowed to do...
be part of reality.
I devised my own reality.
And I've spent a long time
in this fantasy world, and I assure you
right, this is meticulously coordinated.
It is going to be a success.
Alright, trust me.
Maybe happiness is not being able
to know what's going to happen.
Maybe if we knew the end of the story,
there wouldn't be any more story.
Are we forgotten?
Do we forget?
I can't remember how many times
I've turned against the wall.
There comes a time when time itself
doesn't matter anymore.
It's going to last years,
this strange navigation
upon the indistinct shores of life.
Painting, it's like
a close inspection of the psyche
incorporating an interpretation
and quite often a kind of
filtration of society
and of the very small part of the world
that I inhabit.
It's a desperate attempt
that I make time and time again
to satisfy myself.
I'm slowly moving forward.
Tip, tip, tip... Tap, tap, tap...
And yet at the same time,
going round in these circles
that bring me back to...
Oscar Wilde and Dostoyevsky
and Joyce.
And the things really
that inspired me in the beginning
and continue to do so.
And like... I get an enormous
amount of pleasure
from messing about on canvasses,
an enormous amount of pleasure.
It's not... it's not just my escape.
It's my arrival and my departure.
And... my first, my last, my everything.
I'm thinking...
Sold out!
If you look around this place, yeah,
people know what a legend is.
If Oscar Wilde was alive today
he'd be chastised as Pete Doherty.
Oscar Wilde. Pete Doherty.
Same thing.
If Oscar Wilde was alive today,
he'd be in prison.
I re-read Crime and Punishment.
The fourth time now I've gone through that.
I love that book.
Is that a real guillotine?
- Yeah.
Yeah?
The last one that killed someone in France.
- No!
It is quite creepy, innit?
- Yeah.
It's quite a strange way as well, isn't it?
To... punish people?
It's like a public celebration, isn't it?
Fucking hell, it goes on, doesn't it?
How much punishment do they want?
Look at this, people are animals.
It's a fucking...
These are amazing.
Oh, my gawd.
Listen, you've got to take care of
yourself at some point.
Yes, something does have to be done.
You know, you're right.
You're right there.
You know, you've got to
concentrate on yourself at some point.
If it's not going to be rehab,
it's going to have to be an implant.
That's the two choices
you've got at the moment.
You have to do something, right?
So... yeah.
Keep that thought there, you are.
You are going for an implant
whether you like it or not.
I know... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll be there, I'll come with you.
What's the fucking worst it can do?
Since how long I see Peter?
I suppose maybe from
four or five or six years,
cos it's quite special.
But not only Peter, with other patients
because they are so vulnerable,
at the same time
they are very strong,
they are arrogant.
They are proud,
but they are so vulnerable.
The implant is a naltrexone implant.
When you talk about opiates,
you can talk about two things
like the agonist and antagonist.
And that means that even if
he's had drugs
it can do nothing.
The courts were saying,
"Look, you have to get this blocker
or you go to jail."
Small capsule that releases pills
once every couple of weeks.
Opiate blockers.
Awful.
Sorry, Peter.
Sorry, Peter...
Can you feel this?
That's the... another patient I have
who made already four or five...
No face. No face.
That's another chap I had
for the same thing.
Bop, bop, bop, bop.
Everyone wants to achieve a point
where he can control himself
where he can work,
where he can love.
And that's what Peter wants to do.
He wants to be a normal...
of course, he likes the rush off the drugs,
but he also wants to be a free guy
and with drugs, he can do nothing.
Get an implant or go to jail.
That was what I was
being presented with half the time.
I mean, who are these people?
It's horrific what they did to me.
You're messing with powerful sides
of the human psyche.
The fucking biological makeup of the brain.
You know, and I was the guinea pig.
We were the guinea pig.
We really were.
Numbing of the spirit and of ambition.
What about the mind?
What about the soul?
This is a programme
about pubs and writers.
Writers in pubs, pubs in books.
Books in pubs...
Subjects that go together like
cheese and onion, mild and bitter
not that you can find many pubs
that will serve you that these days.
How hard has it been for you
to all get back in the room together?
Well, I think it has been quite hard.
You know,
obviously, there's been a lot of...
It's cos you live in Denmark.
- Fucking nightmare.
He lives in Denmark...
He never answers his phone,
and he's been starting a family.
It's odd really, like...
The way we've always communicated
with each other successfully
is through music, and that sounds
really naff but it's true.
And...
that's how and why we're together.
And... sorry. Oh!
Ah.
Sorry. How does it feel?
I don't know yet, cos we haven't
actually been in a room alone together.
So...
Do you see this as part of
your rehabilitation?
Rehabilitation from what?
Well, you know, your drug problems
are well known.
Is this part...
Not really. I'm trying to keep that
as quiet as possible, like.
Oh, really? You know.
As you can imagine, it's quite a...
You know, even just then, me and Carl
had to sneak off for a crafty one
when John wasn't looking.
A crafty cigarette, yes, exactly.
This young man here.
You have a question, yes?
Yeah, from Radio 1.
Have you talked about why you split
in the first place yet?
Well, I don't think
that's something that's...
I think it's pretty
well documented, really. Um...
Really, I never got my side
of the story out to be honest.
Here we go...
does everyone want to get a pint,
and we'll sit in a circle?
You know, forgive and forget.
That's what I say.
Apology accepted, right?
Yeah.
- OK then, any more questions then?
We're wrapping up, so I'm sure...
Course,
you've got the chemistry, I mean...
It's something I've been
dreaming about for six years.
Just to get on a stage and say...
"We're The Libertines."
And it be real and we mean it.
With two crooked fingers,
then that's the biggest euphoria.
It's a long time,
four months away to Reading.
Heaven forbid, but if you do fall
out again, what's going to happen?
If we fall out,
it'll be the same as it ever was.
We're not gonna fall out.
We're not gonna fall out before then.
"When The Lights Go out"
by The Libertines
We're here waiting for Wolfman.
Outside Her Majesty's Prison Pentonville.
Trying to explain to Katia that women
also work as prison officers.
And they love it. Yeah.
He should be coming through this gate.
They've told me anytime between now
which is 7:00 in the morning
and 8:00 this evening.
So typical Wolfman really,
fucking me about.
But it's a proud day for all of us.
And yeah... imagine living there.
I'll tell you about it.
Come over here, love.
We have to hide.
We have to hide,
cos they don't like me anyway in here.
Trust me. That's one thing I know
from my time in prison.
They don't like me in there,
they're not...
Their life is basically a brutal one.
The officers and the prisoners.
Mutual animosity. Mutual mistrust.
Mutual hatred.
It's an aggressive place,
a violent place, it's nasty.
A lot of the prisoners,
a lot of the officers
basically are just, like, fucked up,
twisted people
who live in an aggressive world.
But you have a laugh, you know.
Right, that's it, we'd better get off,
cos it's like...
You can't just film around here.
What are you doing?
Who are you?
Four months in Pentonville.
I don't fancy that, mate.
Any interesting characters though?
Nah. Absolutely none.
All cunts, absolute cunts.
All of them.
- Fucking hell.
And loads of people
said that you owe them.
Yeah, they're gonna say that, aren't they?
I don't owe anyone fuck all.
I'll pull over up there.
He's just had it so bad.
I can't believe he's been in the Ville
for four months.
What a shithole that is.
Four months in Pentonville.
- It's mental, mate.
Murderers. Rapists.
Wolfman.
It was absolutely horrific.
I cried once in there.
Strong love of life, like no one else
in brackets.
I've got to work out what I want to do,
I'm counting down the hours.
Walk on you.
Walk on me, walk on by.
Try living like this. Living a lie.
CONTlNUES SINGING INDISTINCTLY
Right, do you want to hear...
I woke up at 5:50AM,
and I hit the emergency button.
They said I wasn't on the unlocked list.
And that it was not an emergency,
and I'd get a red mark.
I was confused, and I had a coffee.
I weighted up the options.
Part of me wanted to attend
and the other was hurt.
Another part was relieved
that I wouldn't have to spend a day
in an uncomfortable cell
cuffed in a sweat box.
They're horrible,
those cells under the appeal court.
Eh?
- They're horrible, those cells.
Oh, God.
That's where I went for my appeal,
back in my burglary charge.
What's the stuff you've learnt?
I'm gonna be alright in life
as long as I don't flop
and upset everyone by hiding away.
It was all confused.
I didn't mean to hurt people, I just...
My view was,
I'm not doing anything to you
because I didn't think anyone liked me.
I just felt completely worthless.
I've just found out, like...
I've just been working on my self...
Self-esteem, say it.
Self-esteem, yeah.
There's nothing wrong with
being a bit vulnerable.
Hey!
So how do you feel these days?
Hmm?
- How do you feel these days?
I'm quite grateful, I think,
at the moment, you know
to be doing what I'm doing.
Libertines gig's this weekend.
Pressure's mounting
but fuck me, it's gonna be a...
How were the first meetings
with Carl and the boys?
I said stop that.
Yeah. Do you hear me?
Do you hear me?
- I heard you.
Huh?
- I heard you.
OK.
So you've stopped filming?
- I did.
Yeah, oK.
It's like I'm wandering around
in the dark.
I keep bumping into the truth
every now and again
and I'm coming out with these
odd bits of...
insight, but...
when it comes to The Libertines
and all that
I can't think about it all too much,
I'm too involved.
It's too, too...
I'm too confused.
I mean, for lots of reasons.
And no sense can come of it.
I can't really begin to imagine
what's going on at the moment.
I'm sure I'm gonna
look back on this time and gasp
and be pretty annoyed with myself,
how I'm...
how I'm doing things, but...
It's all... Nah, actually,
what am I talking about?
At the moment, it is difficult.
Things are difficult the past few months.
I'm just waiting for these Libertines
gigs to be done.
And to...
get over that enormous obstacle.
Enormous achievement, I think.
It's going to be fucking emotional.
It's going to be fucking impossibly...
wonderful and stressful,
probably going to kill me.
And I can just put paid to a lot of things,
bang, bang, bang, bang.
Just spunk a lot of it.
I'm just...
destroying all these fucking...
facades of an existence, you know,
like ending all these chapters
and then burning the fucking book.
I pray I can sit one day
and watch this with you
and that this isn't, you know...
oh, God.
That you don't watch this bit of
footage now, and, you know...
the day after my funeral or something.
I want to make it
through to the other side.
I do, I do, I do...
I'm not going the right way about it,
I know.
It's all wrong what I'm doing.
I'm going about it the wrong way.
"Don't Look Back Into The Sun"
by The Libertines
Yeah!
Squish boo-boo...
There's no cat food. There's only fish.
What? I'm sorry.
Sorry!
So fussy.
Look, if this fish is good enough for me,
then it's good enough for you.
Oh!
It's definitely good enough for you now.
There you go.
Look at this mess, honestly,
who lives here?
Great ramp of kabbible.
Maybe it'll take a little... oops.
Oh yeah.
Just to use up the last drops of... petrol.
There we go, all down his foot.
Ooh.
This is how the Chinese did it
thousands of years ago.
Is this legal? Probably not.
OK...
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Come on. Up you go, up you go!
Reserves, reserves...
Yeah. Go on, son!
Go on. Help it along. Help it along.
Whoa!
Whoa...
Hey!
I love the way the plastic...
when it's melting, it drips down
like that, like melted time.
The passing hours and days and years...
Drip, drip, drip.
OK, show's over, kids.
Everyone out of the pool.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to The Cob Gallery
for the first ever
Pete Doherty auction
of his paintings and his artefacts.
Lot number one is a selection of guitars
owned, played, photographed in
by Pete Doherty.
They're there. These are the guitars
you're bidding on here.
160 is down here.
160.
At 160, 170 with bidder one.
180 with you.
25, in time.
Sold. 2,000.
2,000, and I am selling.
It is going once...
It is going twice.
It has now sold.
1700 now, I have 1700.
1800 here is bid, 1800.
1900 now.
At 1900 for the desk.
Sold.
And sold, 440.
It has now sold.
Sold for 1600.
Sold.
Sold.
Sold, 1200.
And... sold!
1300.
Sold, 3000.
And sold.
320 I had online there.
Last chance...
Last chance, 2900 then.
This is the most exciting
painting of the evening.
Cos this is the personal work of Doherty
in conjunction with Amy Winehouse.
22,000 now.
At 22,000.
25,000.
At 25,000.
At 20.
30.35,000.
Last chance then.
Once.
Twice.
Was that a bid?
Too late! 4...
It's 35,000 down here.
It's 35,000 here.
At 35,000 then on the internet.
At 35,000.
Yes?
Forever alive, forever forward. Stately.
Solemn.
Sad.
Withdrawn, baffled. Mad.
Turbulent. Feeble. Dissatisfied.
Desperate. Proud. Fond. Sick.
Accepted by men. Rejected by men.
If I wasn't on drugs, I probably
wouldn't be in the place I'm in now
doing the things I'm doing
in most aspects of my life...
To be honest.
What do you mean? What do you mean?
What do you mean, want me to get better?
Well...
And why am I even asking you that?
When I never...
Because none of us want to admit
to not being well.
Or...
is it the opposite?
People love to make out that they're ill.
You know, hypochondriac.
Old people, like.
"How are you?" "Ooh! Me back!"
That was like me
this morning admittedly, but...
"ooh, me back!"
You're obviously leaving something since...
what, a week?
Ten days, a week?
Five days, two days?
Not today. Now it's postponed again.
No...
- You postponed your rehab.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
So there's obviously something
going on in your mind
for postponing all the time.
Yeah.
- What's happening?
Um...
Waiting to see if there's another option
for salvation, waiting to see if...
if...
if all these fine minds
logical, intelligent,
as well as being caring
if they conclude that rehab
is the best option, then...
Well, hell. Who am I to fucking argue
again and again and again?
Must be something in it.
But then again, you never know.
You know... strange things do occur.
Someone might just come and save me.
There might be another option.
I don't know.
Inside of those washed and trimmed
faces behold...
a secret, silent loathing and despair.
Yeah, you're right.
Something has changed.
I'm trying to get out of it, aren't I?
I'm trying to get out of it.
So right now,
you do or you don't want to go?
I don't care.
Have the past struggles succeeded?
What have they succeeded?
My call is the call of battle,
I nourish active rebellion.
He going with me must go well armed.
He going with me goes often
with spare diet
poverty, angry enemies, desertions.
Allons! The road is before us.
It is safe, I have tried it.
My own feet have tried it,
be not detained.
Camerado, I will give you my hand!
I give you my love,
more precious than money.
I give you myself
before preaching or law.
Will you give me yourself?
Will you come travel with me?
Shall we stick by each other
as long as we live?
Seems like it's a message
from the gods after all.
It's quite obvious
what they're saying about Thailand.
They're saying,
don't fucking go up there
in an aeroplane whatever you do.
Jesus.
Putting it off. Putting it off,
you know, putting it off in extremis.
Just...
Just one more bag and then we'll do it.
Trying to think of a way just to get myself
through that period of grace at rehab.
Wanted to try and take something with me
so it was all about experiment
with hollowing out apples and things
and little... you know,
the lining of your dressing gown cord.
The lining of pants.
241 kilometres!
241 kilometres, but where're we going?
Happiness!
Alright, we'll get there in no time.
Time had come.
I think I was just, I don't know,
praying that God would intervene
and lightning would strike
the rehab or something
if I put it off long enough,
but it was still standing
and they just put me in this 4X4
and took me to the place.
And all periods of grace were cancelled.
This is a...
a crushed flower.
Crushed flower is just kind
of symbolic of the addict in me
at the moment.
The crushed flower of my addiction.
Welcome, so here we are.
At the...
Well, hope,
and hope changes everything.
It certainly changed me.
Well, I don't have a crack pipe
in my mouth or in my pocket.
There's one in my cabin.
But alas, there's no...
nothing to smoke in it.
And I don't really
feel the need right this second
but then...
um...
Yeah. Day three.
I'm struggling.
I'm struggling with not taking drugs,
of course
which is why I'm in rehab. Erm...
but I'm fit and healthy, ish.
I'm healing, all my sores are healing.
Er...
And I'm a bloody fool
because I'm plotting this
and plotting that, but...
here I remain.
Over and out.
I am struggling a lickle bit today.
Er, yeah, I haven't had
any methadone though, so...
But here we are in paradise.
And yeah, just...
I think I need to sit down
with my typewriter and my guitar
you know,
for a few hours on my own, and...
you know, get back in touch
with my creative ambitions
cos I know they're there, but...
I want dwugs, I want dwugs!
Wee! Me!
It's getting more and more difficult
by the day, I guess.
Yeah, I'm Pete and I'm an addict. Yeah.
How dare they?
How dare I?
How dare I get fucking clean?
Mark my words,
there will be hell to pay.
You can't just leave that monkey
lying there by the side of the pool.
You gotta take it home and feed it.
Yeah. You know what's going to happen,
don't you?
That monkey's gonna come crawling.
Might not be tonight.
Might not be tomorrow.
But slowly, inch by inch
night by night,
that monkey gonna find you.
It's gonna come
and when you least expect it
it's gonna sneak up on you, go "bargh!"
No...
"Corpses in their Mouths"
by Ian Brown
Good day, really good day.
Probably the best day yet in treatment.
Feel... feel good, really.
Got over my relapse.
I think my body...
it's like I've got my energy back.
Um...
Carl came back too, as well, which is...
I was a little bit concerned about that.
But...
everything's...
everything's just as it should be, really.
I think. I love boo-boo.
They said getting clean was the easy bit.
And 15 years of blocked emotions
coming out...
that's going to be the tricky bit.
And that's what I'm running away from.
Because it has been quite an emotional...
couple of days, really.
Just the way everything
makes me cry, really.
But anyway, you know...
I don't quite...
It made sense at the time.
I think I just needed to hear him say
that that's how it was for him.
It is 10 o'clock on Thursday
20th of November.
And I'm clean.
I've got my piss test there.
Hang on a second. I'll go get it.
I'm clean of cocaine, clean of heroin
clean of amphetamines,
and THC which is weed
and I'm also clean of methadone.
Now, I have had a Valium
so I'm not quite clean
of Benzedrines yet, but...
I think that will do for today's message.
I feel proud.
I do feel proud.
OK. See you tomorrow.
Yeah. Last two days have been oK,
I suppose.
Not much of a struggle.
But I feel good, went out tonight
just me and boo-boo
and didn't have a drink, so...
you know, I'm OK, I'm good.
I feel clean. I do.
I mean, I'm here and I'm not using.
I have had a few drinks.
It's not really the
same. I know, but it is.
I feel good, I feel at peace.
But I think the only way you can be clean
is to follow the steps.
So...
We'll see, we'll see what happens.
We'll see.
"The Boy With The Thorn In His Side"
by The Smiths
Don't think it would
ever have occurred to me
that he would appear on stage.
I wasn't ready for that,
nor was I welcoming, particularly at first.
You can see me smiling
but I was genuinely
shocked that he knew the words.
But he'd never come to gigs before.
I think that the only gig he'd ever seen
was an early Libertines gig in Germany
because he was still
posted in Germany in those days.
And then eight years of not talking to me.
And then another eight years,
so it's 15 years now
since he's even been to a show
and he wanders on stage, you know...
singing What A Waster
and doing that strange gesture
for the lyric about having
it going up her nose.
He is a bit of a karaoke maestro,
I think anyway.
So all these years later,
for him to come on
and know the lyrics as well, it was...
Honestly, I was a bit shocked
and embarrassed almost as much
by the fact my mum came on stage
with a birthday cake.
And had this crowd singing Happy Birthday.
You know...
It's supposed to be like
rock and roll mythology
but it was just like... a bit naff.
But I love them.
Happy birth...
It made peace, you know.
Quite a magical moment.
I'm just grateful that he's not
disowned me anymore, you know.
Funny old world, isn't it?
I've been through an incredible journey
of consciousness, unconsciousness,
subconsciousness
and psychedelic, psychotropic
consciousness
chemical and intellectual curiosity
which sadly led to great
physical dependency
and physical degradation
from which I seem to have emerged.
Some days are more difficult than others.
It's a bit like a balancing act,
a high wire act, you know.
Just keep from falling.
It was a deep immersion in that life
and there's a great difference
between being clean
and being able to live
happy and free, clean
you know?
I can be clean
but I'm still putting time
between that immersion
and coming out of the waters.
It will take a little bit of time to dry.
I think I'd be interested in
working with people
who are in the thick of addiction.
I think I'd be pretty well qualified
to help them.
If anyone wants any help.
The talent is the man
and comes from the man,
and comes from the artist
and doesn't come from the drugs
and it never has come from the drugs.
Part of the fun and the challenge
of creating
is to create in spite of circumstances
so, in spite of being a drug addict
or in spite of being clean
I will create.
"Looking For Someone Else To Be"
by Pete Doherty and the Puta Madres