Stripes (1981) Movie Script
This is the army.
It's learning how to be
a soldier...
and how to be much more.
It's cold streams
that chill your bones...
and a hot meal
to warm you up.
It's softball and low bridges.
It's a hundred ways
to prove yourself.
If you'd like to be part of it...
call this number toll free.
That's my philosophy. A hundred-dollar
shine on a three-dollar pair of boots.
Yes, sir.
I don't think I've ever
been this happy. Huh?
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
I got a nice, warm cab right here.
You sure?
- Let's go. He said it.
- Hey, come on, man.
Thanks for the ride, pal.
Shit!
I thought that was
a dog around your neck.
It that's humor, don't bother.
I want to be taken to the airport,
and be very carefuI with the bags.
Don't scratch them.
Allow me.
Thank you.
Would you be carefuI with those!
Madam, perhaps you'd like
to eat your luggage.
I'm in a hurry.
Oh! Oh, my balls.
Good morning.
This is basic English.
My name is Russell Ziskey...
and I'm gonna be your instructor
for the next five weeks.
I want you to call me Russell and I'm
going to call you by your first names...
because I would have a pretty tough time
pronouncing some of your last names.
Okay, I know you're anxious to jump
right in and start speaking English...
but there are just a couple of things
I need to know first because...
I've never done this before.
How many of you would say you speak
English well, but with some difficulty?
A little English?
You speak some English?
Son of bitch. Shit.
I've never gone this way before.
I'm sure there's a lot of ways
I've gone that you haven't.
What is your name?
John Ringer? What kind
of a name is Ringer?
Winger. I'm adopted.
I spent most of my life
in institutions.
Doesn't surprise me. You look like
a typical lowlife character to me.
Actually, I'm a photographer.
I took this job because I love people.
There's nothing that I enjoy more than
meeting someone like yourself...
and getting to know you, then taking a
few action photos of you while I drive.
Stop! Turn around! Watch the road!
Stop with the pictures!
Thank you so much.
Aren't you going too fast?
No, it's not the speed
really so much.
I just wish I hadn't drunk
all that cough syrup this morning.
Oh, my!
- We're going to be killed!
- Oh, no!
- Keep on the wheel and slow down!
- Not killed!
You should have your license
taken away.
I am going to write
your name down...
and see that it's given
to the proper authorities.
You're a bum!
And that's all you'll ever be,
a bum!
Well, that hurts, ma'am.
And I don't think
I want to take your abuse.
I know I don't want to take you and your
luggage to the airport. How 'bout that?
Hey, move that cab, buddy!
You can't stop
in the middle of a bridge!
Would you get back in the car!
That's really very good.
I'd like to try one more time...
and then we'll call it a day.
I met her on a Monday
and my heart stood still
Da doo run run run
Da doo run run
Somebody told me
that her name was Jill
Da doo run run run
Da doo run run
Okay, great, great.
We'll see you next week.
We'll learn some new tunes.
We'll have a great time.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
One of these days everything
that I want's gonna be mine
But if it ain't that
it'll be all right
As long as there's sunshine
And a big old brew
That's my car!
- Hey, man!
- Instant Finance.
You're late on the payments, pal.
It's me.
- John, is that you?
- No.
Did you remember to get my dress?
Yeah.
Hi, baby. You're home
a little early, aren't you?
- Yeah.
- How was your day?
Fine.
I got your pizza too.
I had a real bad day.
Yeah. I bet you did.
I quit my job.
I just can't take this anymore.
I know. I gotta straighten out.
- This is ridiculous.
- Right.
That's what you said last week.
How much can you
straighten out in one week?
It hasn't been a week, John.
It's been six months.
And nothing's changed.
You sleep in till noon,
then you watch Rocky and Bullwinkle.
Then you drive your cab, what,
a couple hours?
You come home,
you order out food...
and then you play those stupid Tito
Puente albums until 2:00 in the morning!
Tito Puente is gonna be dead,
and you're gonna say...
"I've been listening to him for years
and I think he's fabulous."
Then you watch movies until dawn,
and then you come to bed with me.
You don't think that takes energy?
You're a sexual dynamo.
Most guys couldn't even
handle you.
I've been reading books on the outside
so I can keep up with you.
It's not funny.
You're going nowhere, John.
It's just not that cute anymore.
It's a little cute.
Come on. I'm part of a lost
and restless generation.
You want me to run
for the senate?
I don't know what I want.
I just know
that I don't want you.
So, the basic problem is
that I'm still around?
Where's that sharp knife
we have? Anita!
I need you.
Come on.
I knew that wasn't
gonna sound good.
No, it's not gonna work.
I like you, but I need something more.
I need somebody who's gonna
develop with me and grow. Good-bye.
Who could grow more than me? Talk
about massive potential for growth...
I am the little acorn
that becomes the oak.
You can't go!
All the plants are gonna die!
And then depression set in.
Go away.
Hi.
What's the matter with you?
Nothing.
Nice shot.
Need a little help.
Can I take your last beer?
We'll split it.
I've had an interesting morning.
In the last two hours...
I've lost my job, my apartment...
my car and my girlfriend.
You still have your health.
Hey. Yes, thank you.
Toss that up here.
Yo. Here we are, my man.
All right, come to papa.
Toss that thing. Let's go.
Geez.
Thank you.
The army can make you feel
a lot of ways:
tired, challenged, trained.
This doesn't look bad.
What, the army?
You're kidding.
I've always thought
about joining the army.
Bullshit. You're not the type.
What do you mean
I'm not the type?
I've seen the kind of guys
that enlist in the army.
I saw them when I was working on
unemployment. They're like us.
Except they're not as sophisticated.
Yeah, they're not as old either.
I bet you can't do five push-ups.
Five push-ups?
I got three dollars
says I can do tive push-ups.
Okay, let's go. Five good ones.
Come on.
- Not marine push-ups.
- Simple push-ups.
I've never heard bones
creak like that.
That's none.
- I'm praying.
- You ought to.
Let's go.
There's a time limit here.
He's almost set.
He's eyeing that rug.
And that's one.
All right. He's off.
He's moving.
That's two.
Not that good though.
That's three.
I think you're ready
for the Special Olympics.
That's three.
- That's four.
- Four.
I was testing you.
And here goes five?
Will he do it?
Congratulations.
You just doubled your money.
I gotta get in shape.
I gotta dry out,
or I'll be dead before I'm 30.
The army's my only chance.
You could join a monastery.
Did you ever see a monk get
wildly fucked by some teenage girls?
- Never.
- So much for the monastery.
You comin' in?
Hey, this is a loading zone.
You can't park here.
We're not parking it.
We're abandoning it.
I can't believe we're doing this.
Listen, if I get killed,
my blood is on your hands.
- Just don't get it on my shoes, okay?
- Hello.
I'm not saying that the army will be
able to do for you what it did for me.
All I'm saying is you get out of it
exactly what you put into it.
Now, sometimes the army's
your best shot.
There's some questions I have to ask.
They're a little personal.
Have you ever been convicted
of a felony or a misdemeanor?
That's robbery, rape, car theft,
that sort of thing?
- Convicted?
- Yeah.
- No.
- Never convicted.
That's good.
Are either of you homosexuals?
You mean like flaming or--
Well, it's a standard question
we have to ask.
We're not homosexual,
but we are willing to learn.
Would they send us
someplace special?
I guess that's no on both.
All right, now if you'll just give
Uncle Sam your autograph here.
"Sammy, get well soon."
That's good. Now your name.
Can I talk to you
for a minute?
I was wondering if you, uh--
Are you, uh, you know, holding?
No, man, I'm not.
Well, I was wondering if you could
hold something for me.
Are you smuggling furs
or something?
Drugs.
Excuse me. General Hansen?
No, I'm not a general,
but may I help you?
Yes. I want to thank you
for saving my life over in Vietnam.
- I don't think that was me.
- You're right. It was Normandy Beach.
I was shot up pretty bad.
You grabbed me, pulled me into a foxhole
and patched me up. I appreciate it.
I don't think so and don't care
and don't have the time.
- See this arm band? MP.
- Yes, ma'am.
Stands for military police.
Are you on one of these buses?
Not yet, ma'am.
My job is to see that
big, strong men like you...
get on these buses
without getting lost.
So why don't you just move along
and get on the bus.
Could you check him off?
You know, there's a strip search
before you get on the bus.
- Really?
- Yeah. Be careful, man.
So, I guess we dig each other...
and we'll be seeing each other
around the officers' club?
Watch out for this guy.
He's a troublemaker.
- Do you have your papers?
- Yes. Here.
What happens if I refuse
to get on the bus?
You look like
a sensitive, intelligent guy.
Don't make me shoot you.
Climb aboard, soldier.
- What do you think?
- I hope we don't go to war.
Excuse me, stewardess.
Is there a movie on this flight?
Bus.
Inside. Off the bus.
Off the bus.
Right on inside.
Move it out.
Sergeant Hulka.
Yes, sir?
At ease, Sergeant.
I'm Captain Stillman,
the new company commander.
Pleased to meet you, sir.
Fine-looking group of men,
wouldn't you say so?
I hope this is the mess hall.
How's it going, Eisenhower?
Yes, sir, a fine-looking
bunch ot men.
Yes, well. Get 'em inside.
Carry on, I guess.
I'll be in my office
if you need me.
Yes, sir.
Have that removed, corporal.
Men, welcome to
the United States Army.
Men, welcome to
the United States Army.
I'm Sergeant Hulka.
I'm your drill sergeant.
Before we proceed any further...
we gotta get something straight.
Your mamas are not here
to take care of you now.
It's just you, me and Uncle Sam.
And before I leave you...
you're gonna find out that
me and Uncle Sam are one in the same.
Uncle Hulka?
When I tell you to move...
you'll move fast.
When I tell you to jump...
you're gonna say, "How high?"
And make no mistake.
I don't care where you come from,
what color you are...
how smart you are, how dumb you are
'cause I'm gonna teach all of you...
how to eat, sleep...
walk, taIk, shoot, shit
like a United States soldier.
- Understand?
- Yes, sir.
I didn't hear you.
Yes, sir.
You don't say sir to me.
I'm a sergeant. I work for a living.
- Yes, sergeant.
- I didn't hear you.
Now that's what I wanna hear.
You think this guy's
overdoing it a bit?
You got a problem, boy?
No problem, Sergeant.
On your feet, boy.
What's your problem, boy?
I was just making a joke, Sergeant.
Why don't you tell me your joke?
I don't think you'd think
it's funny, sir. Sergeant.
How do you know?
I got a hell of a sense of humor.
Ain't I, Corporal Briggs?
Yes, Sergeant!
We have a comedian in our midst.
Will you take
this comedian outside...
and watch him do 50 push-ups.
Get your goat-smelling ass
out of here!
Move it!
Hut, ho, hut!
Anybody else want to be
a comedian in here?
- No, Sergeant.
- I didn't hear you!
Hare Krishna
Shut up! Shut up, will you!
- I didn't mean it.
- How come yours is so long?
Fifteen and a half.
Thirty three.
Forty two.
- Thirty seven.
- Thirty seven?
Step down. Grab your papers.
These are thirty-fours
and they're loose.
I gotta live with thirty seven?
Sir, I'm very sorry
about what happened at the meeting.
I certainly meant no offense by it.
It won't happen again.
Keep it moving! Let's go!
Think he bought it?
Boxer or jockey?
You got something in a low-rise bikini?
Mesh, if possible?
So, where you from, Tex?
Don't you ever touch me again, ever.
This is pretty sweet.
Free clothing.
Look at this stuff. Chicks in New York
paying top dollar for this garbage.
How 'bout that lunch?
What was that brown stuff?
All right, men, fall in alongside
this roadway in a column of two.
Fall in!
Move it!
Hi.
You know something, soldier.
I've noticed you're always last.
I'm pacing myself, Sergeant.
Sorry.
Left, face!
Left, right, left, right.
You stand in place.
Forward, march!
Hey, we're walkin'.
There she was just a walkin'
down the street singin'
Doo wah ditty
ditty dum ditty doo
Popping her fingers
and shuffling her feet singin'
Doo wah ditty
ditty dum ditty doo
- She looked good
- She looked good
- She looked fine
- She looked fine
She looked good, she looked fine
and I nearly lost my mind
Before I knew it she was
walkin' next to me singin'
Holdin' my hand just as natural
as can be singin'
My name's Howard J. Turkstra.
I'm from Kansas City.
My hobbies are fast cars
and fast women.
'Cause that's why guys in my car club
call me "The Cruiser."
Should call him "The Dork."
Knock it off.
Go ahead.
I joined the army 'cause my father
and my brother were in the army.
I thought I better join
before I got drafted.
Son, there ain't no draft
no more.
There was one?
What a jerk!
Next.
The name's Francis Soyer.
But everybody calls me "Psycho."
Any of you guys call me Francis,
and I'll kill you.
You just made the list, buddy.
And I don't like nobody
touchin' my stuff!
So just keep your meat hooks off.
If I catch any of you guys
in my stuft, I'll kill you.
Also, I don't like
nobody touchin' me.
Now, any of you homos...
touch me, and I'll kill you.
Lighten up, Francis.
You're all in this together.
One of these men may save
your life one day, understand?
Then again, maybe one of us won't.
- You, go ahead.
- Me?
Yeah.
My name's Dewey Oxberger.
My friends call me "Ox."
You might have noticed
I've got a slight weight problem.
- No!
- Yeah, I do.
Anyway, I went to this doctor.
He told me I swallowed
a lot of aggression...
along with a lot of pizzas.
I'm basically a shy person.
I'm a shy guy and...
he suggested taking one of these
aggression training courses.
You know, these aggression training
courses like EST, those type of things.
Anyway, it costs 400 bucks
to join this thing.
Well, I didn't have the money.
And I thought to myself,
"Join the army.
It's free."
So, I figured while I'm here
I'll lose a few pounds.
And you got, what, a six-to-eight week
training program here, a real tough one?
Which is perfect for me.
I'm gonna walk out of here
a lean, mean, fightin' machine.
- Good thinkin', Ox. Real good.
- It is.
Ziskey.
I've always been kind
of a pacifist.
When I was a kid my father told me,
"Never hit anyone in anger...
unless you're absolutely sure
you can get away with it."
I don't know what kind
of soldier I'm gonna make...
but I want you guys to know that
if we ever get into real heavy combat...
I'll be right behind you guys
every step of the way.
Okay, Mr. Push-Ups.
Let's hear your story.
Chicks dig me because
I rarely wear underwear...
and when I do it's usually
something unusual.
But now I know why I have always
lost women to guys like you.
It's not just the uniform.
It's the stories that you tell.
So much fun and imagination.
Lee Harvey...
you are a madman.
When you stole that cow...
and your friends tried
to make it with the cow.
I want to party with you, cowboy.
The two of us together,
forget it.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
I'm gonna volunteer my leadership
to this platoon.
An army without leaders
is like a foot...
without a big toe.
And Sergeant Hulka isn't always gonna
be there to be that big toe for us.
I think that we owe
a big round of applause...
to our newest, bestest buddy...
and big toe...
Sergeant Hulka.
Well, okay, hotshot.
We'll see what kind
of soldier you are.
Reveille is 0500.
We're gonna fall out
with locker boxes...
and we're gonna have
a locker box inspection.
And then we're gonna do ten miles,
rain or shine.
So you better hit them bunks,
my little babies...
or Hulka with the big toe's gonna see
how far he can stick it up your ass.
Out of them bunks!
We got a full day ahead of us.
We're gonna start out
with a five-mile run.
I know I'm speaking for
the entire platoon when I say...
this run should be postponed
until this platoon is better rested.
Well, I'll tell you what, soldier.
Let's make it ten miles.
Any more complaints?
Thanks a lot, Winger!
Nice going, asshole.
You're making friends fast
around here.
Oh, my-- Oh, my God! Mama!
Captain Stillman.
Major Ellis would like you to look over
these interim reports, Captain, sir.
Interim reports!
That's all I ever do around here.
I want some action!
Hold that, corporal.
Oh, look at those men.
Are those my men, corporal?
No, sir. Those are
Captain Benton's men, sir.
Well, where are my men?
Let's see. Sergeant Hulka
is on the confidence course.
Sergeant Crocker
is on the mortar range.
Terrific. Corporal,
bring up the Jeep.
Yes, sir.
Grenade!
Go get 'em!
Those are damn fine men.
Are they in my company?
No, sir. Oh, here come
your men now, sir.
Hit it!
Hit it!
Stand up when
I'm stickin' you, boy!
Get down and gimme 50, mother!
Come on! I'll walk on your ass, boy!
I was killing--
Fitteen, sixteen, seventeen--
Twenty seven, twenty eight--
Fall out!
- Fall in!
- Hey, Sergeant, it's raining.
Sergeant, I think it's a bad idea
to march today.
You know, this is
the cold and flu season.
Fifty one, Fifty two--
- When's the good part, John?
- This is the good part.
Get your butt down, soldier.
You'll get it shot off someday. Move it!
Pick a service
Pick a challenge
Set yourself apart
Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines
What a great day
It's a great way to start
Oh, God, look at that.
Wash off the soap. That's right.
Wash it off.
Look at that. Bend over.
Drop the soap.
Look at her tits. Oh, good.
Oh, God, I wish I was a loofah.
Look at that! That's--
Those muscles.
Oh, I didn't know
they could do that.
Excuse me, Captain.
I don't want to be disturbed.
- Yes, sir?
- Colonel Glass to see you, sir.
I can see that, corporal.
Dismissed.
Oh, it's a pleasure to see you, sir.
Welcome to Fort Arnold.
- Let's skip the bullshit, Captain.
- Yes, sir.
I've got a problem,
and I need your help.
You've heard of the EM-50 project?
Yes, sir. It's a tank or something.
- It's an urban-assault vehicle.
- Of course.
The Pentagon wants to unveil it
for the news media next month in Italy.
What General Barnicke
wants from you...
is a real crack platoon of new recruits
to man the EM-50.
Real go-getters.
We'll have them photographed
puttin' the 50 through its paces.
Our newest soldiers with our
latest weapon-- that kind of thing.
Yes, sir.
You can count on me, sir.
You screw this up...
and I'll have you assigned to a
weather station above the Arctic Circle.
- You got that?
- Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Good.
Attention!
- I'm gonna fold.
- Uh-huh. Okay.
Well, I'm still in.
Cruise, how about you?
Maybe I should fold.
Well, let me see.
Let me see first.
No, not with a hand like that.
Come on.
Dare me. Go on, bluff me.
Come on.
How much should I bet?
If it were me,
I'd bet everything.
But that's me.
I'm an aggressive gambler. Mr. Vegas.
Come on. Go for it.
Yes, yes, there we go.
I'm in.
- What do you got?
- I got a full house.
Three threes and two sixes,
that's a full house. What have you got?
- I got a four, I got an ace.
- You got an eight, an ace and a seven.
Well, you lose. lf you would have had
four fours, you would have won.
- You're getting good.
- Starting to get the hang of it.
Isn't this fun? You're pretty good
for a first time, really.
Attention!
Fall in for muster.
Move it!
Ten-hut!
It's come to my attention...
that several members of
the Third Platoon Bravo Company...
left this military post
without permission.
I wanna know who it was.
You can tell me now...
or I got ways
of finding out myself.
Okay, mister...
you just got yourself 24 hours
of scrubbin' garbage cans.
Step back!
Now, since nobody else
has got the guts...
to admit it...
the rest of this platoon...
will do the next two weekends on KP.
How's that sound to you, mister?
I think it sucks.
It's time you and me
had a private talk.
Step into my office.
I'm gettin' the idea
that you don't like me.
Maybe I just don't know you
well enough, sarge.
What do you say let's cut out
the bullshit between you and me.
- Oh, let's.
- I think you're a punk.
I've been in this army 28 years.
I've seen your kind
come and go.
You think you know something
about everything, don't you?
Let me tell you something, mister.
You don't know a damn thing
about soldiering.
It's real tough stuff. Especially that
marching-in-a-straight-line business.
I ain't talkin' about that crap!
I'm talkin' about somethin' important...
like discipline, duty and honor and
courage, and you ain't got none of it.
Those words mean so much to a man
who scrubs garbage cans.
Look, if you don't want me in your army,
kick me out, but get off my back.
Maybe you'd like to, uh,
take a swing at me.
I'd like to take
a big swing at you, sarge.
Well, go ahead and
give it your best shot.
I don't think I wanna go
to the stockade.
I'll take my hat off.
There we are.
Ain't no more drill sergeant.
It's just you and me, kid,
man-to-man.
So go ahead and give it
your best shot.
Swing at me.
Gutless.
Punk.
I'm willing to forget about
this little incident.
And I want you to think
reaI hard about it.
And maybe someday you'll understand
what the hell I'm talkin' about.
No, don't stop.
I'll still respect you.
I'll respect you even more.
Just use more whipped cream.
I just had the weirdest dream.
If I call Anita, she has to
pick me up at the train, right?
I go back into an apartment.
I see if I can get
my cab job back.
Where are you going?
You going AWOL?
- No, I'm deserting.
- You idiot!
You desert now,
it's a federal offense.
- Come on.
- I'll take my chances with the feds.
Get up. Come on.
You're not going anywhere.
Now listen to me.
You're gonna finish basic training...
keep your mouth shut
and do everything he tells you.
- You know why?
- Why?
Because you talked me into this,
that's why, you idiot! It was your idea!
I didn't talk you into this.
You needed this.
I'm gonna kill you! Damn you!
Where's the great pay?
Where's the travel?
Where's the Winnebago?
Goddamn it! Shit!
This isn't what you think.
No, we're just good friends.
In the Jeep.
Come on. Let's go.
I was going to the laundry,
get my uniform.
Save it for later.
Okay, guys, you're home.
Get out.
You're not gonna report this
or anything, are you?
I'm gonna treat it
like a UFO sighting.
I saw something,
but I'm not quite sure what it was.
Thank you.
Oh, good-bye.
Move it! Do it!
Go on, boy.
We got women can climb that thing better
than you. Get up! Get on your feet!
Hit it!
He said he couldn't make it.
Why don't you do it?
Take one step back.
Move it!
All right, soldier, let's see
how you fire that mortar.
- What coordinates, sir?
- Coordinates?
Yes, sir. They determine
where the mortar's--
Soldier, the army has spent a lot of
money teaching you how to fire that.
Now set it and fire it.
- We don't know where the shell's gonna--
- The only way to learn is to do it!
Now fire the weapon.
All right!
Any of you suckholes want to
come up here and knock me off?
Oh, shit.
Incoming!
Sergeant, does this mean
we're through for the day?
Save your strength, Sarge.
Get him off! Get him off!
No stragglers. Now come on.
No stragglers. Now come on.
We owe it to Sergeant Hulka to end up
face down in the gutter tonight.
Hey, baby, want to come
to my place?
Where were you two blocks ago
when we could've used you?
Come on. Don't waste it.
All right, we're here!
Come on.
It's the Pom Pom.
lt's world famous.
This might be fun.
Hi.
Oh, amazing.
I used to wrestle.
There's no tables.
- Here's a table. Excuse me.
- Sounds good.
You wrestled, huh? Nice seats.
Give me a kick, honey.
Oh, parted my hair.
Okay, girls, go get 'em!
We're gonna start the bidding.
I'm not gonna accept
anything less than $100.
The bidding has gotta start.
Now give me 100.
- You gotta do it for us, Ox.
- I can't.
- You said you used to wrestle.
- I used to lose a lot.
But these are girls.
They're weak and soft.
- It doesn't seem fair.
- Fair?
Who cares about fair?
The world isn't fair! Truth isn't fair!
Is it fair that you were
born like this? No!
They're not expecting someone in there
like you. They're expecting some clown.
You're different. You're weird.
You're a mutant. You're a killer!
You're a trained killer!
You're a lean, mean,
fightin' machine!
I'll do it!
- All right. Give me your money.
- 413 bucks!
My man. My big man here
is gonna do it all for us...
for 413 dollars...
- And 58 cents.
- and 58 cents!
I'll take that!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the big event you've been waiting for.
A three-round match,
five minute time limit, one pin only.
And during this match
there will be absolutely no biting.
Ow!
And no pulling on the nose.
Hey, do something about this, ref!
What kind of place you runnin' here?
And no kicking,
ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, my God! To your neutral corners
and we will begin the match!
Hey, wait a minute! Hey!
Hey, just a second here!
Oh! Oh, geez! Now you done it.
Beat the shit out of 'em, Ox!
- You hit me! I'm a girl!
- I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hit you!
That's my man out there!
My champ! Now stop it!
Behind you!
She's not even in the fight.
Cut that out.
You get in here. Come on.
I'm a gentleman. Now stop it.
Drink.
- Thanks.
- No problem.
- Thanks again.
- Okay, all right.
- You're very competitive.
- I don't wanna go back.
You gotta go back.
You're already dirty. Come on.
There you go.
They got him down and pinned!
Bravo Company!
Bravo Company!
Go, man!
Way to go, Ox! Kill 'em!
- Should we?
- Yeah. Let's go.
We'll take care of these two.
It's okay. Special assignment.
Yeah, we're with them.
Louise, it's so nice to see you.
What are you doin' here?
Well, explain yourselves.
Well, sir, we were--
we were going
to the bingo parlor...
at the YMCA.
Well, one thing led to another...
and the instructions
got all fouled up there.
- We ended up--
- Shut up.
Okay, sir.
You men are a disgrace.
Maybe a few days
in the stockade...
would help change
your rotten attitude.
But we're supposed to
graduate tomorrow, sir.
That's even better.
Tomorrow you'll be on parade
in front of General Barnicke.
And when he sees
what total fuck-ups you really are...
I will personally recommend...
that your whole platoon...
repeat the entire course
of basic training.
Well, get out.
All right, now this is the second time
we've let you guys off.
Let's not let it happen a third time.
ls that clear?
- Very clear.
- Get back to your barracks, all right?
- Good night.
- Good night.
So, what are you guys gonna do?
We're just gonna check out
General Barnicke's house.
He's still in Washington.
He still owes me money.
Hey, Barney!
Gentlemen!
Mom! I'm home!
Now, don't worry
about a thing, okay?
Oh, this is nice, really.
Listen, if this is gonna get you
in trouble, we'll leave. All right?
No, it's okay. GeneraI Barnicke's
gonna be gone until tomorrow morning.
Good.
Thank you.
I feel like I'm 16 years old
in my parents' house...
and they're away on a trip.
Sixteen?
Wanna play spin the bottle?
This guy's doing pretty well.
Interested?
All right, you've looked at
the General's refrigerator long enough.
- Let's go. Come on.
- Let's look at the General's cupboards.
You know, you're very pretty...
for a cop.
- Oh, thanks a lot.
- No. Thank you.
- You know what your problem is, baby?
- No, I don't.
Your problem is that you're
heavily armed, you know.
Guys have trouble with girls
that are armed.
They don't know how to come on.
- Do you know the rest of your problem?
- Tell me.
You've never had anybody give you
the Aunt Jemima treatment.
- No, I certainly haven't had that.
- First you get up on the grill.
- I'll get you up to cruising speed.
- Stop!
You're sticking on the bottom, dear.
Keep hopping.
There you go.
A little bit lumpy.
- I'm not enjoying this! Quit it!
- You're not, huh?
Maybe you need this.
- What are you gonna do with that?
- This. And this.
Who's your friend?
Who's your buddy?
I am, aren't I?
You're crazy about me.
You're incredibly
head-over-heels in love with me.
You're helplessly, hopelessly,
deeply in love with me, aren't you?
Yes.
I knew it.
I had that feeling.
Even before I picked this up.
It's about time you came around.
So what do we do now?
Let's go upstairs
and check out the general's closets.
It's nice to know you can
move like that when you have to.
Well, it's nice to know
you can make me so hot.
You say the nicest things.
Hold on, honey.
I got a speciaI tooI for you.
Come here.
I can't believe
we're playing this.
- Okay, down on your knees.
- Sounds good.
All right now, the way
that you play it is...
you pretend there's a force field
aII around your body...
and you try and get as close
to each other as possible...
without actually touching.
- Okay?
- It sounds easy.
It oughta be.
I think I'm good at this.
Maybe.
How do you win?
Well, if somebody breaks
your force field, then you win.
- You just broke my torce field.
- Yeah, you win.
Well, that was interesting.
It's all over with now. We might as well
not even show up to graduation.
You white guys'll probably
get five years.
- But we gonna get hung.
- Yeah, man.
Guys! Hey!
What's everybody so down about? Didn't
everybody make it with a beautifuI MP?
Oh, Stillman freaked out
when the MPs brought us back.
If we screw up graduation, we'll
have to take basics all over again.
Ah, Cruise, it's been a lot of fun
the first time, hasn't it?
I can't handle
basic training again, man.
You're number one
on the death list now, Winger.
Take it easy, Francis-- Psycho.
Will you guys just relax.
We got plenty of time? What time is it?
- 2:00 a.m.
- Okay, 0200.
- What time do we get up?
- 5:00 a.m.
Didn't you ever cram for a test before?
I learned two semesters
of geology in three hours.
We can do this.
We just have to practice.
We've been practicing all night,
and we stink.
- Yeah, well, the brains have arrived.
- Yeah, that's good news.
We go down to the motor pool.
We work on it all night.
We get it together.
- We can do this, right?
- There's no way in hell we can do it.
Right shoulder, arms!
Forward, arms!
Inspection, arms!
Right shoulder, arms!
Right face!
Your left...
Come on, rhythm.
Hut, two, three, four.
Black guys heIp the white guys, okay?
- What did he say?
- He said the black guys...
help the white guys.
Come on, guys!
Wait a minute!
Cut it out! Stop!
Hey, stupid,
look at yourself!
Cut it out!
What the hell's
the matter with you?
Stupid!
We're all very different people.
We're not Watusi.
We're not Spartans.
We're Americans
with a capital "A," huh?
You know what that means?
Do you? That means
that our forefathers...
were kicked out of every
decent country in the worId.
We are the wretched refuse.
We're the underdog.
We're mutts.
Here's proof.
His nose is cold.
But there's no animal
that's more faithfuI...
that's more loyal,
more loveable than the mutt.
Who saw Old Yeller?
Who cried when Old Yeller
got shot at the end?
Nobody cried
when Old Yeller got shot?
I'm sure.
I cried my eyes out.
Yeah.
So we're all dogfaces.
We're all very different.
But there is one thing
that we all have in common.
We were all stupid enough
to enlist in the army.
We're mutants.
There's something wrong with us,
something very wrong with us.
Something seriously wrong with us.
We're soldiers,
but we're American soIdiers.
We've been kickin' ass for 200 years!
We're ten and one!
And we don't have to worry...
about whether or not
we've practiced.
We don't have to worry...
about whether Captain Stillman
wants to have us hung.
All we have to do...
is to be the great American
fighting soldier...
that is inside each one of us.
Now, do what I do...
and say what I say...
and make me proud.
- Fall in!
- Yes!
Platoon...
attention!
Right shoulder, ho!
Order, ho!
Maybe they couldn't find
the parade grounds.
- It's right in front of the barracks.
- That's what I mean.
Eyes right!
We checked the barracks, sir.
They're not there.
If they're not here in five minutes,
I want them arrested.
Hey, graduation's at 2:00.
What time is it now?
an hour to sleep.
Oh, good.
We're missing graduation.
- We're missing it.
- Let's go.
Guys, wake up, man!
We're missing it.
Where is it?
All right, let's do
a little singing this morning.
Slept late
Feels great
Wine and women
All gone
Oh, my God!
Spare time
All gone
Party guy
Bye-bye
All night
Got tight
Felt good
Real nice
Real good
Oh-ho
Platoon...
a-one, two...
Where the hell
have you been, soldier?
Training, sir!
What kind of training, son?
Army training, sir!
Just like last night,
only better!
Men! Right shoulder, ho!
Order, ho!
Side step right!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why did the chicken
cross the road
To get from the left
to the right
Het! Hut!
He stepped out of rank
got hit by a tank
He ain't no chicken no more
Left flank, left!
Queen Anne salute!
Three, five, seven!
Razzle-dazzle!
Hut, two, three, four!
The quick brown fox jumped
over the lazy dog, sir!
Where's your drill sergeant, men?
Blown up, sir!
Sir, these are Sergeant Hulka's men.
He was injured during basic training.
I see.
So am I to understand that you men
completed your training on your own?
That's the fact, Jack!
- Captain.
- Yes, sir?
These are exactly
the kind of go-getters...
I want working on my EM-50
project in ltaly.
Oh, but, sir, these men--
Don't "but" me, Captain.
I want them on the plane tonight.
Gentlemen, it's party time,
ltalian style!
Not bad! Hey!
Best bunk?
That's mine right there.
Okay, who's up for the Vatican?
Let's get some people
and some relics, and we'll do it.
What are you doing?
No, get off. You gotta make my bunk.
We're in ltaly. The guy on the top bunk
has gotta make the guy on the bottom--
He's gotta make his bed all the time.
It's in the regulations.
If we were in Germany,
I would have to make yours.
But we're in ltaly, so you've
gotta make mine. It's regulations.
Who makes the beds?
Buona sera, gentlemen.
It is alive.
Welcome to Italy.
We can forget all about
the fearful reunion.
There's a couple of things I want to get
straight with you right off the bat.
I don't know what kind of shit
you pulled at graduation...
but this ain't
no glamour detaiI we're on.
I want to see you walkin' tall...
lookin' good and mentally alert
at all times.
I'm gonna bust your butts...
to make this the best damned outfit
in the European command.
Get these bunks made up!
Get your gear stored!
We're gonna muster in front
ot the motor pooI at 0600! Got it?
Hi, Sarge.
"Hi, Sarge."
Just shut up.
As you may know,
GeneraI Barnicke...
is particularly interested
in this project.
He has selected this platoon
for this assignment...
and he expects you to perform
particularly well.
Raise it, Sergeant.
Gentlemen, this is the EM-50
Urban Assault Vehicle.
A reaI beauty, Colonel.
You can count on us.
This is amazing. You wouldn't believe
what this thing could do.
- Do you think I'm officer material?
- God, I'm worried about you.
Come on. I'm in good shape.
I'm walkin' tall.
I'm lookin' good.
First weekend in Europe.
Yeah. We're spending it
in an airplane hangar watching a truck.
We got each other.
Well, I was kinda thinking we'd get
a couple of companions this weekend.
Too bad the girls
are in Germany.
- We could get a hoteI room somewhere.
- Yeah.
- Spend a few days eating room service.
- WouId've been good.
We could take 'em up in the Alps
for a little spin.
Oh, yeah.
- I'll drive.
- Okay.
We're here.
Don't forget, you promised me
a reaI expensive dinner...
before we see this--
whatever it is.
Right.
Come with me, my dear.
Now, don't forget, this is a secret,
so you can't tell anybody, okay?
Not unless they torture me.
- OfficiaI business.
- May I see your identification?
Thank you, Captain.
Uh, yeah.
Just follow me.
When the Army entrusts an important
project like this to an officer...
it usually means they're priming him
for a major promotion.
Wow.
I really think
you're gonna like this.
Yeah?
- Are you gonna get sick or something?
- Where the fuck's my truck?
Hey, where's the EM-50?
A couple of soldiers took it
to get it washed, sir.
Took it to get it washed?
ls there a bathroom around here?
I gotta pee.
- Hold it!
- They had proper l.D., sir.
Did you want me to notify
Post Security, sir?
You keep your mouth shut about this.
Do you understand me?
And you Iet no one in there.
No one! Not even the colonel!
Yes, sir.
You know, I think this guy
Stillman is really dangerous.
Yeah, I'm becoming
aware of that, you know.
Okay, let's go.
Let's load that truck.
Sergeant.
We've traced the EM-50 to Germany.
They're probably heading to East Berlin.
Sir, if you'll take my advice,
there's a crack squad in the 42nd...
that couId link up
with the Air Recon.
We'd have that EM-50 back here
inside of 24 hours.
We'd be the laughingstock
of the whole armed forces.
We will do this ourseIves.
Sir, those numb-nuts can't
even tie their own shoelaces.
I don't care, Sergeant.
Just load the truck, and let's move out.
AII right, we're moving out!
Move!
I guess we're going after
John and Russell.
I can't believe
they're Russian spies. Can you?
All I know is,
I finally get to kill somebody.
Have you been doing
your speciaI exercises?
- I brought the magic suitcase.
- You did?
- I can't see a thing up ahead, sir.
- The turnoff is just up to the right.
No, sir.
If we turn right, we're going--
When I want your input,
I will ask for it. Thank you.
For Christ's sakes, Captain.
We just broke through the--
This is my mission. I would appreciate
if you let me run it. Thank you.
Fuck this.
- Hey, Sarge, where are you going?
- What's going on, Sarge?
Sarge, what are you doing?
Here you go. There you go.
Get 'em up there, boys.
Stupid jerks.
Dankeschon, darling
Dankeschon, darling
Gunther, get yourself
a new Volkswagen, huh?
Folks, don't order the schnitzel.
They're using schnauzer.
Hey, Hansel, Gretel!
We're your allies.
It's cool. All right.
All right, Klaus,
hold it up right here.
We got some naked animals in here
we don't want you to see.
Here you are.
- Here, more worthless money for you.
- Come on.
- All right.
- Did you leave the radio on?
- What do you mean?
- It's a shortwaver.
This is the EM-50?
Mayday.
Code 21, status 7.
Code 21. Go ahead.
I'm with the U.S. Army,
I have a platoon and C.O.
being held by hostile enemy...
at coordinates 416397.
They're Russian troops,
about 200.
Send help. I gotta get movin'.
Hmm, 416397.
That's Czechoslovakia.
- 41st Armored?
- Yeah, Bravo Company.
- That's our unit.
- Oh, no.
- They came looking for us.
- Oh, they've had it.
We've had it.
If it's a status 7 like you said,
they went in undercover.
So the D.O.D. won't even
acknowledge it.
Those guys are dead.
- We gotta go get 'em.
- Yeah.
We're responsible.
Come on, it's Czechoslovakia.
We zip in, we pick 'em up
and we zip right out again.
We're not going to Moscow.
It's Czechoslovakia.
It's like going into Wisconsin.
Well, I got the shit kicked out of me
in Wisconsin once. Forget it.
We're so damn lost.
Where the hell is Innsbruck, Austria?
We're gonna do some skiing.
- Do you know Brandy? Hi, girls.
- Excuse me.
What a darling unitorm.
Is there a bathroom here?
There must be a bathroom
around here somewhere.
Hi. I'm John Winger of the United States
Army and you are my prisoner.
Why are you doing this?
Oh, Chicago.
What do we want with prisoners?
Come on, move!
Do the words "act of war"
mean anything to you, huh?
- I have a plan.
- Great. Custer had a plan too.
We are in serious troubIe.
He said he had a plan.
Now just give him a chance.
What an idiot.
Get in here.
- All right, we're in.
- Nice work.
- What's the plan?
- I'm working on it.
God, what an idiot.
He's working on it.
This is ridiculous.
Hey, they're about
to start shooting at us.
- Good. That's fine. Let them.
- It's working.
- Louise, get this thing moving.
- You're dangerous, you know that?
Oh, this is interesting.
I got it figured this way.
They got one big gun and two tanks.
They got a hundred
Baryshnikovs running around.
- And what do we got?
- What do we got?
We got one heavily armed
recreationaI vehicle here, man.
Okay, find that truck,
and we find them.
- There's a gun in that tower, Russell.
- I see him.
All right, steady.
- Got him!
- All right! Oh, God!
Good one, Russell.
- There's the truck.
- Must be them. Get ready!
Out, please!
John, over here!
- That was stupid.
- Yeah.
- You know who would love this?
- Who?
Russell. He should be here.
Help!
- Thank you.
- That helped.
They better be in there.
You can beat me
as much as you want!
- Are you okay?
- Where are they?
- Hi.
- Where are the others?
- Who is it?
- It's ldi Amin.
It's Winger!
It's us, Winger!
Get us out!
Stand back from the door.
I'm gonna blow it.
Everybody back!
You get it.
Get down.
- One tough door!
- You got it locked on the inside?
It's because of you people
that I cannot get outside!
It's always your fault.
You are not capable of handling--
to take orders from me.
- Open this door!
- I'm gonna squash him!
- Winger! Oh, I'm so glad!
- What are you doing here?
Look out, Louise!
There's a tank behind us! Move it!
Find John, will you?
I'm gonna kill him.
We had a car waiting.
Let's get outta here!
We're here!
You're in trouble!
You're going on report!
There's something
blocking the road. Hang on!
I'm gettin' too old
for this shit!
Gentlemen, we are in Germany!
Platoon, attention!
Queen Anne salute!
Get up!
Thank you.
It's great to be back home.
My people, we're number one.
All right.
All right, we're getting medals.
Look. Valorous service. Thank you.
What the--
A surprise party!
I'll kill you.
Whose idea was this?
Everybody's coming to my place.
This is ridiculous.
Senator, hang onto that,
will you, for me?
Oh, I wrote.
I didn't know if you'd come.
No questions, please.
We just want to get back
to our hoteI rooms...
and have some really serious sex.
What are you lookin' at?
Keep your eyes out there.
Oh, you old dog.
Right face!
Forward march!
Left...
Left, right, lett.
There she was just walkin'
down the street singin'
Doo wah ditty
ditty dum ditty doo
Snapping her fingers
and shuffling her feet singin'
She looked good
She looked fine
And I nearly lost my mind
It's learning how to be
a soldier...
and how to be much more.
It's cold streams
that chill your bones...
and a hot meal
to warm you up.
It's softball and low bridges.
It's a hundred ways
to prove yourself.
If you'd like to be part of it...
call this number toll free.
That's my philosophy. A hundred-dollar
shine on a three-dollar pair of boots.
Yes, sir.
I don't think I've ever
been this happy. Huh?
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
I got a nice, warm cab right here.
You sure?
- Let's go. He said it.
- Hey, come on, man.
Thanks for the ride, pal.
Shit!
I thought that was
a dog around your neck.
It that's humor, don't bother.
I want to be taken to the airport,
and be very carefuI with the bags.
Don't scratch them.
Allow me.
Thank you.
Would you be carefuI with those!
Madam, perhaps you'd like
to eat your luggage.
I'm in a hurry.
Oh! Oh, my balls.
Good morning.
This is basic English.
My name is Russell Ziskey...
and I'm gonna be your instructor
for the next five weeks.
I want you to call me Russell and I'm
going to call you by your first names...
because I would have a pretty tough time
pronouncing some of your last names.
Okay, I know you're anxious to jump
right in and start speaking English...
but there are just a couple of things
I need to know first because...
I've never done this before.
How many of you would say you speak
English well, but with some difficulty?
A little English?
You speak some English?
Son of bitch. Shit.
I've never gone this way before.
I'm sure there's a lot of ways
I've gone that you haven't.
What is your name?
John Ringer? What kind
of a name is Ringer?
Winger. I'm adopted.
I spent most of my life
in institutions.
Doesn't surprise me. You look like
a typical lowlife character to me.
Actually, I'm a photographer.
I took this job because I love people.
There's nothing that I enjoy more than
meeting someone like yourself...
and getting to know you, then taking a
few action photos of you while I drive.
Stop! Turn around! Watch the road!
Stop with the pictures!
Thank you so much.
Aren't you going too fast?
No, it's not the speed
really so much.
I just wish I hadn't drunk
all that cough syrup this morning.
Oh, my!
- We're going to be killed!
- Oh, no!
- Keep on the wheel and slow down!
- Not killed!
You should have your license
taken away.
I am going to write
your name down...
and see that it's given
to the proper authorities.
You're a bum!
And that's all you'll ever be,
a bum!
Well, that hurts, ma'am.
And I don't think
I want to take your abuse.
I know I don't want to take you and your
luggage to the airport. How 'bout that?
Hey, move that cab, buddy!
You can't stop
in the middle of a bridge!
Would you get back in the car!
That's really very good.
I'd like to try one more time...
and then we'll call it a day.
I met her on a Monday
and my heart stood still
Da doo run run run
Da doo run run
Somebody told me
that her name was Jill
Da doo run run run
Da doo run run
Okay, great, great.
We'll see you next week.
We'll learn some new tunes.
We'll have a great time.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
One of these days everything
that I want's gonna be mine
But if it ain't that
it'll be all right
As long as there's sunshine
And a big old brew
That's my car!
- Hey, man!
- Instant Finance.
You're late on the payments, pal.
It's me.
- John, is that you?
- No.
Did you remember to get my dress?
Yeah.
Hi, baby. You're home
a little early, aren't you?
- Yeah.
- How was your day?
Fine.
I got your pizza too.
I had a real bad day.
Yeah. I bet you did.
I quit my job.
I just can't take this anymore.
I know. I gotta straighten out.
- This is ridiculous.
- Right.
That's what you said last week.
How much can you
straighten out in one week?
It hasn't been a week, John.
It's been six months.
And nothing's changed.
You sleep in till noon,
then you watch Rocky and Bullwinkle.
Then you drive your cab, what,
a couple hours?
You come home,
you order out food...
and then you play those stupid Tito
Puente albums until 2:00 in the morning!
Tito Puente is gonna be dead,
and you're gonna say...
"I've been listening to him for years
and I think he's fabulous."
Then you watch movies until dawn,
and then you come to bed with me.
You don't think that takes energy?
You're a sexual dynamo.
Most guys couldn't even
handle you.
I've been reading books on the outside
so I can keep up with you.
It's not funny.
You're going nowhere, John.
It's just not that cute anymore.
It's a little cute.
Come on. I'm part of a lost
and restless generation.
You want me to run
for the senate?
I don't know what I want.
I just know
that I don't want you.
So, the basic problem is
that I'm still around?
Where's that sharp knife
we have? Anita!
I need you.
Come on.
I knew that wasn't
gonna sound good.
No, it's not gonna work.
I like you, but I need something more.
I need somebody who's gonna
develop with me and grow. Good-bye.
Who could grow more than me? Talk
about massive potential for growth...
I am the little acorn
that becomes the oak.
You can't go!
All the plants are gonna die!
And then depression set in.
Go away.
Hi.
What's the matter with you?
Nothing.
Nice shot.
Need a little help.
Can I take your last beer?
We'll split it.
I've had an interesting morning.
In the last two hours...
I've lost my job, my apartment...
my car and my girlfriend.
You still have your health.
Hey. Yes, thank you.
Toss that up here.
Yo. Here we are, my man.
All right, come to papa.
Toss that thing. Let's go.
Geez.
Thank you.
The army can make you feel
a lot of ways:
tired, challenged, trained.
This doesn't look bad.
What, the army?
You're kidding.
I've always thought
about joining the army.
Bullshit. You're not the type.
What do you mean
I'm not the type?
I've seen the kind of guys
that enlist in the army.
I saw them when I was working on
unemployment. They're like us.
Except they're not as sophisticated.
Yeah, they're not as old either.
I bet you can't do five push-ups.
Five push-ups?
I got three dollars
says I can do tive push-ups.
Okay, let's go. Five good ones.
Come on.
- Not marine push-ups.
- Simple push-ups.
I've never heard bones
creak like that.
That's none.
- I'm praying.
- You ought to.
Let's go.
There's a time limit here.
He's almost set.
He's eyeing that rug.
And that's one.
All right. He's off.
He's moving.
That's two.
Not that good though.
That's three.
I think you're ready
for the Special Olympics.
That's three.
- That's four.
- Four.
I was testing you.
And here goes five?
Will he do it?
Congratulations.
You just doubled your money.
I gotta get in shape.
I gotta dry out,
or I'll be dead before I'm 30.
The army's my only chance.
You could join a monastery.
Did you ever see a monk get
wildly fucked by some teenage girls?
- Never.
- So much for the monastery.
You comin' in?
Hey, this is a loading zone.
You can't park here.
We're not parking it.
We're abandoning it.
I can't believe we're doing this.
Listen, if I get killed,
my blood is on your hands.
- Just don't get it on my shoes, okay?
- Hello.
I'm not saying that the army will be
able to do for you what it did for me.
All I'm saying is you get out of it
exactly what you put into it.
Now, sometimes the army's
your best shot.
There's some questions I have to ask.
They're a little personal.
Have you ever been convicted
of a felony or a misdemeanor?
That's robbery, rape, car theft,
that sort of thing?
- Convicted?
- Yeah.
- No.
- Never convicted.
That's good.
Are either of you homosexuals?
You mean like flaming or--
Well, it's a standard question
we have to ask.
We're not homosexual,
but we are willing to learn.
Would they send us
someplace special?
I guess that's no on both.
All right, now if you'll just give
Uncle Sam your autograph here.
"Sammy, get well soon."
That's good. Now your name.
Can I talk to you
for a minute?
I was wondering if you, uh--
Are you, uh, you know, holding?
No, man, I'm not.
Well, I was wondering if you could
hold something for me.
Are you smuggling furs
or something?
Drugs.
Excuse me. General Hansen?
No, I'm not a general,
but may I help you?
Yes. I want to thank you
for saving my life over in Vietnam.
- I don't think that was me.
- You're right. It was Normandy Beach.
I was shot up pretty bad.
You grabbed me, pulled me into a foxhole
and patched me up. I appreciate it.
I don't think so and don't care
and don't have the time.
- See this arm band? MP.
- Yes, ma'am.
Stands for military police.
Are you on one of these buses?
Not yet, ma'am.
My job is to see that
big, strong men like you...
get on these buses
without getting lost.
So why don't you just move along
and get on the bus.
Could you check him off?
You know, there's a strip search
before you get on the bus.
- Really?
- Yeah. Be careful, man.
So, I guess we dig each other...
and we'll be seeing each other
around the officers' club?
Watch out for this guy.
He's a troublemaker.
- Do you have your papers?
- Yes. Here.
What happens if I refuse
to get on the bus?
You look like
a sensitive, intelligent guy.
Don't make me shoot you.
Climb aboard, soldier.
- What do you think?
- I hope we don't go to war.
Excuse me, stewardess.
Is there a movie on this flight?
Bus.
Inside. Off the bus.
Off the bus.
Right on inside.
Move it out.
Sergeant Hulka.
Yes, sir?
At ease, Sergeant.
I'm Captain Stillman,
the new company commander.
Pleased to meet you, sir.
Fine-looking group of men,
wouldn't you say so?
I hope this is the mess hall.
How's it going, Eisenhower?
Yes, sir, a fine-looking
bunch ot men.
Yes, well. Get 'em inside.
Carry on, I guess.
I'll be in my office
if you need me.
Yes, sir.
Have that removed, corporal.
Men, welcome to
the United States Army.
Men, welcome to
the United States Army.
I'm Sergeant Hulka.
I'm your drill sergeant.
Before we proceed any further...
we gotta get something straight.
Your mamas are not here
to take care of you now.
It's just you, me and Uncle Sam.
And before I leave you...
you're gonna find out that
me and Uncle Sam are one in the same.
Uncle Hulka?
When I tell you to move...
you'll move fast.
When I tell you to jump...
you're gonna say, "How high?"
And make no mistake.
I don't care where you come from,
what color you are...
how smart you are, how dumb you are
'cause I'm gonna teach all of you...
how to eat, sleep...
walk, taIk, shoot, shit
like a United States soldier.
- Understand?
- Yes, sir.
I didn't hear you.
Yes, sir.
You don't say sir to me.
I'm a sergeant. I work for a living.
- Yes, sergeant.
- I didn't hear you.
Now that's what I wanna hear.
You think this guy's
overdoing it a bit?
You got a problem, boy?
No problem, Sergeant.
On your feet, boy.
What's your problem, boy?
I was just making a joke, Sergeant.
Why don't you tell me your joke?
I don't think you'd think
it's funny, sir. Sergeant.
How do you know?
I got a hell of a sense of humor.
Ain't I, Corporal Briggs?
Yes, Sergeant!
We have a comedian in our midst.
Will you take
this comedian outside...
and watch him do 50 push-ups.
Get your goat-smelling ass
out of here!
Move it!
Hut, ho, hut!
Anybody else want to be
a comedian in here?
- No, Sergeant.
- I didn't hear you!
Hare Krishna
Shut up! Shut up, will you!
- I didn't mean it.
- How come yours is so long?
Fifteen and a half.
Thirty three.
Forty two.
- Thirty seven.
- Thirty seven?
Step down. Grab your papers.
These are thirty-fours
and they're loose.
I gotta live with thirty seven?
Sir, I'm very sorry
about what happened at the meeting.
I certainly meant no offense by it.
It won't happen again.
Keep it moving! Let's go!
Think he bought it?
Boxer or jockey?
You got something in a low-rise bikini?
Mesh, if possible?
So, where you from, Tex?
Don't you ever touch me again, ever.
This is pretty sweet.
Free clothing.
Look at this stuff. Chicks in New York
paying top dollar for this garbage.
How 'bout that lunch?
What was that brown stuff?
All right, men, fall in alongside
this roadway in a column of two.
Fall in!
Move it!
Hi.
You know something, soldier.
I've noticed you're always last.
I'm pacing myself, Sergeant.
Sorry.
Left, face!
Left, right, left, right.
You stand in place.
Forward, march!
Hey, we're walkin'.
There she was just a walkin'
down the street singin'
Doo wah ditty
ditty dum ditty doo
Popping her fingers
and shuffling her feet singin'
Doo wah ditty
ditty dum ditty doo
- She looked good
- She looked good
- She looked fine
- She looked fine
She looked good, she looked fine
and I nearly lost my mind
Before I knew it she was
walkin' next to me singin'
Holdin' my hand just as natural
as can be singin'
My name's Howard J. Turkstra.
I'm from Kansas City.
My hobbies are fast cars
and fast women.
'Cause that's why guys in my car club
call me "The Cruiser."
Should call him "The Dork."
Knock it off.
Go ahead.
I joined the army 'cause my father
and my brother were in the army.
I thought I better join
before I got drafted.
Son, there ain't no draft
no more.
There was one?
What a jerk!
Next.
The name's Francis Soyer.
But everybody calls me "Psycho."
Any of you guys call me Francis,
and I'll kill you.
You just made the list, buddy.
And I don't like nobody
touchin' my stuff!
So just keep your meat hooks off.
If I catch any of you guys
in my stuft, I'll kill you.
Also, I don't like
nobody touchin' me.
Now, any of you homos...
touch me, and I'll kill you.
Lighten up, Francis.
You're all in this together.
One of these men may save
your life one day, understand?
Then again, maybe one of us won't.
- You, go ahead.
- Me?
Yeah.
My name's Dewey Oxberger.
My friends call me "Ox."
You might have noticed
I've got a slight weight problem.
- No!
- Yeah, I do.
Anyway, I went to this doctor.
He told me I swallowed
a lot of aggression...
along with a lot of pizzas.
I'm basically a shy person.
I'm a shy guy and...
he suggested taking one of these
aggression training courses.
You know, these aggression training
courses like EST, those type of things.
Anyway, it costs 400 bucks
to join this thing.
Well, I didn't have the money.
And I thought to myself,
"Join the army.
It's free."
So, I figured while I'm here
I'll lose a few pounds.
And you got, what, a six-to-eight week
training program here, a real tough one?
Which is perfect for me.
I'm gonna walk out of here
a lean, mean, fightin' machine.
- Good thinkin', Ox. Real good.
- It is.
Ziskey.
I've always been kind
of a pacifist.
When I was a kid my father told me,
"Never hit anyone in anger...
unless you're absolutely sure
you can get away with it."
I don't know what kind
of soldier I'm gonna make...
but I want you guys to know that
if we ever get into real heavy combat...
I'll be right behind you guys
every step of the way.
Okay, Mr. Push-Ups.
Let's hear your story.
Chicks dig me because
I rarely wear underwear...
and when I do it's usually
something unusual.
But now I know why I have always
lost women to guys like you.
It's not just the uniform.
It's the stories that you tell.
So much fun and imagination.
Lee Harvey...
you are a madman.
When you stole that cow...
and your friends tried
to make it with the cow.
I want to party with you, cowboy.
The two of us together,
forget it.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
I'm gonna volunteer my leadership
to this platoon.
An army without leaders
is like a foot...
without a big toe.
And Sergeant Hulka isn't always gonna
be there to be that big toe for us.
I think that we owe
a big round of applause...
to our newest, bestest buddy...
and big toe...
Sergeant Hulka.
Well, okay, hotshot.
We'll see what kind
of soldier you are.
Reveille is 0500.
We're gonna fall out
with locker boxes...
and we're gonna have
a locker box inspection.
And then we're gonna do ten miles,
rain or shine.
So you better hit them bunks,
my little babies...
or Hulka with the big toe's gonna see
how far he can stick it up your ass.
Out of them bunks!
We got a full day ahead of us.
We're gonna start out
with a five-mile run.
I know I'm speaking for
the entire platoon when I say...
this run should be postponed
until this platoon is better rested.
Well, I'll tell you what, soldier.
Let's make it ten miles.
Any more complaints?
Thanks a lot, Winger!
Nice going, asshole.
You're making friends fast
around here.
Oh, my-- Oh, my God! Mama!
Captain Stillman.
Major Ellis would like you to look over
these interim reports, Captain, sir.
Interim reports!
That's all I ever do around here.
I want some action!
Hold that, corporal.
Oh, look at those men.
Are those my men, corporal?
No, sir. Those are
Captain Benton's men, sir.
Well, where are my men?
Let's see. Sergeant Hulka
is on the confidence course.
Sergeant Crocker
is on the mortar range.
Terrific. Corporal,
bring up the Jeep.
Yes, sir.
Grenade!
Go get 'em!
Those are damn fine men.
Are they in my company?
No, sir. Oh, here come
your men now, sir.
Hit it!
Hit it!
Stand up when
I'm stickin' you, boy!
Get down and gimme 50, mother!
Come on! I'll walk on your ass, boy!
I was killing--
Fitteen, sixteen, seventeen--
Twenty seven, twenty eight--
Fall out!
- Fall in!
- Hey, Sergeant, it's raining.
Sergeant, I think it's a bad idea
to march today.
You know, this is
the cold and flu season.
Fifty one, Fifty two--
- When's the good part, John?
- This is the good part.
Get your butt down, soldier.
You'll get it shot off someday. Move it!
Pick a service
Pick a challenge
Set yourself apart
Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines
What a great day
It's a great way to start
Oh, God, look at that.
Wash off the soap. That's right.
Wash it off.
Look at that. Bend over.
Drop the soap.
Look at her tits. Oh, good.
Oh, God, I wish I was a loofah.
Look at that! That's--
Those muscles.
Oh, I didn't know
they could do that.
Excuse me, Captain.
I don't want to be disturbed.
- Yes, sir?
- Colonel Glass to see you, sir.
I can see that, corporal.
Dismissed.
Oh, it's a pleasure to see you, sir.
Welcome to Fort Arnold.
- Let's skip the bullshit, Captain.
- Yes, sir.
I've got a problem,
and I need your help.
You've heard of the EM-50 project?
Yes, sir. It's a tank or something.
- It's an urban-assault vehicle.
- Of course.
The Pentagon wants to unveil it
for the news media next month in Italy.
What General Barnicke
wants from you...
is a real crack platoon of new recruits
to man the EM-50.
Real go-getters.
We'll have them photographed
puttin' the 50 through its paces.
Our newest soldiers with our
latest weapon-- that kind of thing.
Yes, sir.
You can count on me, sir.
You screw this up...
and I'll have you assigned to a
weather station above the Arctic Circle.
- You got that?
- Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
Good.
Attention!
- I'm gonna fold.
- Uh-huh. Okay.
Well, I'm still in.
Cruise, how about you?
Maybe I should fold.
Well, let me see.
Let me see first.
No, not with a hand like that.
Come on.
Dare me. Go on, bluff me.
Come on.
How much should I bet?
If it were me,
I'd bet everything.
But that's me.
I'm an aggressive gambler. Mr. Vegas.
Come on. Go for it.
Yes, yes, there we go.
I'm in.
- What do you got?
- I got a full house.
Three threes and two sixes,
that's a full house. What have you got?
- I got a four, I got an ace.
- You got an eight, an ace and a seven.
Well, you lose. lf you would have had
four fours, you would have won.
- You're getting good.
- Starting to get the hang of it.
Isn't this fun? You're pretty good
for a first time, really.
Attention!
Fall in for muster.
Move it!
Ten-hut!
It's come to my attention...
that several members of
the Third Platoon Bravo Company...
left this military post
without permission.
I wanna know who it was.
You can tell me now...
or I got ways
of finding out myself.
Okay, mister...
you just got yourself 24 hours
of scrubbin' garbage cans.
Step back!
Now, since nobody else
has got the guts...
to admit it...
the rest of this platoon...
will do the next two weekends on KP.
How's that sound to you, mister?
I think it sucks.
It's time you and me
had a private talk.
Step into my office.
I'm gettin' the idea
that you don't like me.
Maybe I just don't know you
well enough, sarge.
What do you say let's cut out
the bullshit between you and me.
- Oh, let's.
- I think you're a punk.
I've been in this army 28 years.
I've seen your kind
come and go.
You think you know something
about everything, don't you?
Let me tell you something, mister.
You don't know a damn thing
about soldiering.
It's real tough stuff. Especially that
marching-in-a-straight-line business.
I ain't talkin' about that crap!
I'm talkin' about somethin' important...
like discipline, duty and honor and
courage, and you ain't got none of it.
Those words mean so much to a man
who scrubs garbage cans.
Look, if you don't want me in your army,
kick me out, but get off my back.
Maybe you'd like to, uh,
take a swing at me.
I'd like to take
a big swing at you, sarge.
Well, go ahead and
give it your best shot.
I don't think I wanna go
to the stockade.
I'll take my hat off.
There we are.
Ain't no more drill sergeant.
It's just you and me, kid,
man-to-man.
So go ahead and give it
your best shot.
Swing at me.
Gutless.
Punk.
I'm willing to forget about
this little incident.
And I want you to think
reaI hard about it.
And maybe someday you'll understand
what the hell I'm talkin' about.
No, don't stop.
I'll still respect you.
I'll respect you even more.
Just use more whipped cream.
I just had the weirdest dream.
If I call Anita, she has to
pick me up at the train, right?
I go back into an apartment.
I see if I can get
my cab job back.
Where are you going?
You going AWOL?
- No, I'm deserting.
- You idiot!
You desert now,
it's a federal offense.
- Come on.
- I'll take my chances with the feds.
Get up. Come on.
You're not going anywhere.
Now listen to me.
You're gonna finish basic training...
keep your mouth shut
and do everything he tells you.
- You know why?
- Why?
Because you talked me into this,
that's why, you idiot! It was your idea!
I didn't talk you into this.
You needed this.
I'm gonna kill you! Damn you!
Where's the great pay?
Where's the travel?
Where's the Winnebago?
Goddamn it! Shit!
This isn't what you think.
No, we're just good friends.
In the Jeep.
Come on. Let's go.
I was going to the laundry,
get my uniform.
Save it for later.
Okay, guys, you're home.
Get out.
You're not gonna report this
or anything, are you?
I'm gonna treat it
like a UFO sighting.
I saw something,
but I'm not quite sure what it was.
Thank you.
Oh, good-bye.
Move it! Do it!
Go on, boy.
We got women can climb that thing better
than you. Get up! Get on your feet!
Hit it!
He said he couldn't make it.
Why don't you do it?
Take one step back.
Move it!
All right, soldier, let's see
how you fire that mortar.
- What coordinates, sir?
- Coordinates?
Yes, sir. They determine
where the mortar's--
Soldier, the army has spent a lot of
money teaching you how to fire that.
Now set it and fire it.
- We don't know where the shell's gonna--
- The only way to learn is to do it!
Now fire the weapon.
All right!
Any of you suckholes want to
come up here and knock me off?
Oh, shit.
Incoming!
Sergeant, does this mean
we're through for the day?
Save your strength, Sarge.
Get him off! Get him off!
No stragglers. Now come on.
No stragglers. Now come on.
We owe it to Sergeant Hulka to end up
face down in the gutter tonight.
Hey, baby, want to come
to my place?
Where were you two blocks ago
when we could've used you?
Come on. Don't waste it.
All right, we're here!
Come on.
It's the Pom Pom.
lt's world famous.
This might be fun.
Hi.
Oh, amazing.
I used to wrestle.
There's no tables.
- Here's a table. Excuse me.
- Sounds good.
You wrestled, huh? Nice seats.
Give me a kick, honey.
Oh, parted my hair.
Okay, girls, go get 'em!
We're gonna start the bidding.
I'm not gonna accept
anything less than $100.
The bidding has gotta start.
Now give me 100.
- You gotta do it for us, Ox.
- I can't.
- You said you used to wrestle.
- I used to lose a lot.
But these are girls.
They're weak and soft.
- It doesn't seem fair.
- Fair?
Who cares about fair?
The world isn't fair! Truth isn't fair!
Is it fair that you were
born like this? No!
They're not expecting someone in there
like you. They're expecting some clown.
You're different. You're weird.
You're a mutant. You're a killer!
You're a trained killer!
You're a lean, mean,
fightin' machine!
I'll do it!
- All right. Give me your money.
- 413 bucks!
My man. My big man here
is gonna do it all for us...
for 413 dollars...
- And 58 cents.
- and 58 cents!
I'll take that!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the big event you've been waiting for.
A three-round match,
five minute time limit, one pin only.
And during this match
there will be absolutely no biting.
Ow!
And no pulling on the nose.
Hey, do something about this, ref!
What kind of place you runnin' here?
And no kicking,
ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, my God! To your neutral corners
and we will begin the match!
Hey, wait a minute! Hey!
Hey, just a second here!
Oh! Oh, geez! Now you done it.
Beat the shit out of 'em, Ox!
- You hit me! I'm a girl!
- I'm sorry! I didn't mean to hit you!
That's my man out there!
My champ! Now stop it!
Behind you!
She's not even in the fight.
Cut that out.
You get in here. Come on.
I'm a gentleman. Now stop it.
Drink.
- Thanks.
- No problem.
- Thanks again.
- Okay, all right.
- You're very competitive.
- I don't wanna go back.
You gotta go back.
You're already dirty. Come on.
There you go.
They got him down and pinned!
Bravo Company!
Bravo Company!
Go, man!
Way to go, Ox! Kill 'em!
- Should we?
- Yeah. Let's go.
We'll take care of these two.
It's okay. Special assignment.
Yeah, we're with them.
Louise, it's so nice to see you.
What are you doin' here?
Well, explain yourselves.
Well, sir, we were--
we were going
to the bingo parlor...
at the YMCA.
Well, one thing led to another...
and the instructions
got all fouled up there.
- We ended up--
- Shut up.
Okay, sir.
You men are a disgrace.
Maybe a few days
in the stockade...
would help change
your rotten attitude.
But we're supposed to
graduate tomorrow, sir.
That's even better.
Tomorrow you'll be on parade
in front of General Barnicke.
And when he sees
what total fuck-ups you really are...
I will personally recommend...
that your whole platoon...
repeat the entire course
of basic training.
Well, get out.
All right, now this is the second time
we've let you guys off.
Let's not let it happen a third time.
ls that clear?
- Very clear.
- Get back to your barracks, all right?
- Good night.
- Good night.
So, what are you guys gonna do?
We're just gonna check out
General Barnicke's house.
He's still in Washington.
He still owes me money.
Hey, Barney!
Gentlemen!
Mom! I'm home!
Now, don't worry
about a thing, okay?
Oh, this is nice, really.
Listen, if this is gonna get you
in trouble, we'll leave. All right?
No, it's okay. GeneraI Barnicke's
gonna be gone until tomorrow morning.
Good.
Thank you.
I feel like I'm 16 years old
in my parents' house...
and they're away on a trip.
Sixteen?
Wanna play spin the bottle?
This guy's doing pretty well.
Interested?
All right, you've looked at
the General's refrigerator long enough.
- Let's go. Come on.
- Let's look at the General's cupboards.
You know, you're very pretty...
for a cop.
- Oh, thanks a lot.
- No. Thank you.
- You know what your problem is, baby?
- No, I don't.
Your problem is that you're
heavily armed, you know.
Guys have trouble with girls
that are armed.
They don't know how to come on.
- Do you know the rest of your problem?
- Tell me.
You've never had anybody give you
the Aunt Jemima treatment.
- No, I certainly haven't had that.
- First you get up on the grill.
- I'll get you up to cruising speed.
- Stop!
You're sticking on the bottom, dear.
Keep hopping.
There you go.
A little bit lumpy.
- I'm not enjoying this! Quit it!
- You're not, huh?
Maybe you need this.
- What are you gonna do with that?
- This. And this.
Who's your friend?
Who's your buddy?
I am, aren't I?
You're crazy about me.
You're incredibly
head-over-heels in love with me.
You're helplessly, hopelessly,
deeply in love with me, aren't you?
Yes.
I knew it.
I had that feeling.
Even before I picked this up.
It's about time you came around.
So what do we do now?
Let's go upstairs
and check out the general's closets.
It's nice to know you can
move like that when you have to.
Well, it's nice to know
you can make me so hot.
You say the nicest things.
Hold on, honey.
I got a speciaI tooI for you.
Come here.
I can't believe
we're playing this.
- Okay, down on your knees.
- Sounds good.
All right now, the way
that you play it is...
you pretend there's a force field
aII around your body...
and you try and get as close
to each other as possible...
without actually touching.
- Okay?
- It sounds easy.
It oughta be.
I think I'm good at this.
Maybe.
How do you win?
Well, if somebody breaks
your force field, then you win.
- You just broke my torce field.
- Yeah, you win.
Well, that was interesting.
It's all over with now. We might as well
not even show up to graduation.
You white guys'll probably
get five years.
- But we gonna get hung.
- Yeah, man.
Guys! Hey!
What's everybody so down about? Didn't
everybody make it with a beautifuI MP?
Oh, Stillman freaked out
when the MPs brought us back.
If we screw up graduation, we'll
have to take basics all over again.
Ah, Cruise, it's been a lot of fun
the first time, hasn't it?
I can't handle
basic training again, man.
You're number one
on the death list now, Winger.
Take it easy, Francis-- Psycho.
Will you guys just relax.
We got plenty of time? What time is it?
- 2:00 a.m.
- Okay, 0200.
- What time do we get up?
- 5:00 a.m.
Didn't you ever cram for a test before?
I learned two semesters
of geology in three hours.
We can do this.
We just have to practice.
We've been practicing all night,
and we stink.
- Yeah, well, the brains have arrived.
- Yeah, that's good news.
We go down to the motor pool.
We work on it all night.
We get it together.
- We can do this, right?
- There's no way in hell we can do it.
Right shoulder, arms!
Forward, arms!
Inspection, arms!
Right shoulder, arms!
Right face!
Your left...
Come on, rhythm.
Hut, two, three, four.
Black guys heIp the white guys, okay?
- What did he say?
- He said the black guys...
help the white guys.
Come on, guys!
Wait a minute!
Cut it out! Stop!
Hey, stupid,
look at yourself!
Cut it out!
What the hell's
the matter with you?
Stupid!
We're all very different people.
We're not Watusi.
We're not Spartans.
We're Americans
with a capital "A," huh?
You know what that means?
Do you? That means
that our forefathers...
were kicked out of every
decent country in the worId.
We are the wretched refuse.
We're the underdog.
We're mutts.
Here's proof.
His nose is cold.
But there's no animal
that's more faithfuI...
that's more loyal,
more loveable than the mutt.
Who saw Old Yeller?
Who cried when Old Yeller
got shot at the end?
Nobody cried
when Old Yeller got shot?
I'm sure.
I cried my eyes out.
Yeah.
So we're all dogfaces.
We're all very different.
But there is one thing
that we all have in common.
We were all stupid enough
to enlist in the army.
We're mutants.
There's something wrong with us,
something very wrong with us.
Something seriously wrong with us.
We're soldiers,
but we're American soIdiers.
We've been kickin' ass for 200 years!
We're ten and one!
And we don't have to worry...
about whether or not
we've practiced.
We don't have to worry...
about whether Captain Stillman
wants to have us hung.
All we have to do...
is to be the great American
fighting soldier...
that is inside each one of us.
Now, do what I do...
and say what I say...
and make me proud.
- Fall in!
- Yes!
Platoon...
attention!
Right shoulder, ho!
Order, ho!
Maybe they couldn't find
the parade grounds.
- It's right in front of the barracks.
- That's what I mean.
Eyes right!
We checked the barracks, sir.
They're not there.
If they're not here in five minutes,
I want them arrested.
Hey, graduation's at 2:00.
What time is it now?
an hour to sleep.
Oh, good.
We're missing graduation.
- We're missing it.
- Let's go.
Guys, wake up, man!
We're missing it.
Where is it?
All right, let's do
a little singing this morning.
Slept late
Feels great
Wine and women
All gone
Oh, my God!
Spare time
All gone
Party guy
Bye-bye
All night
Got tight
Felt good
Real nice
Real good
Oh-ho
Platoon...
a-one, two...
Where the hell
have you been, soldier?
Training, sir!
What kind of training, son?
Army training, sir!
Just like last night,
only better!
Men! Right shoulder, ho!
Order, ho!
Side step right!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why did the chicken
cross the road
To get from the left
to the right
Het! Hut!
He stepped out of rank
got hit by a tank
He ain't no chicken no more
Left flank, left!
Queen Anne salute!
Three, five, seven!
Razzle-dazzle!
Hut, two, three, four!
The quick brown fox jumped
over the lazy dog, sir!
Where's your drill sergeant, men?
Blown up, sir!
Sir, these are Sergeant Hulka's men.
He was injured during basic training.
I see.
So am I to understand that you men
completed your training on your own?
That's the fact, Jack!
- Captain.
- Yes, sir?
These are exactly
the kind of go-getters...
I want working on my EM-50
project in ltaly.
Oh, but, sir, these men--
Don't "but" me, Captain.
I want them on the plane tonight.
Gentlemen, it's party time,
ltalian style!
Not bad! Hey!
Best bunk?
That's mine right there.
Okay, who's up for the Vatican?
Let's get some people
and some relics, and we'll do it.
What are you doing?
No, get off. You gotta make my bunk.
We're in ltaly. The guy on the top bunk
has gotta make the guy on the bottom--
He's gotta make his bed all the time.
It's in the regulations.
If we were in Germany,
I would have to make yours.
But we're in ltaly, so you've
gotta make mine. It's regulations.
Who makes the beds?
Buona sera, gentlemen.
It is alive.
Welcome to Italy.
We can forget all about
the fearful reunion.
There's a couple of things I want to get
straight with you right off the bat.
I don't know what kind of shit
you pulled at graduation...
but this ain't
no glamour detaiI we're on.
I want to see you walkin' tall...
lookin' good and mentally alert
at all times.
I'm gonna bust your butts...
to make this the best damned outfit
in the European command.
Get these bunks made up!
Get your gear stored!
We're gonna muster in front
ot the motor pooI at 0600! Got it?
Hi, Sarge.
"Hi, Sarge."
Just shut up.
As you may know,
GeneraI Barnicke...
is particularly interested
in this project.
He has selected this platoon
for this assignment...
and he expects you to perform
particularly well.
Raise it, Sergeant.
Gentlemen, this is the EM-50
Urban Assault Vehicle.
A reaI beauty, Colonel.
You can count on us.
This is amazing. You wouldn't believe
what this thing could do.
- Do you think I'm officer material?
- God, I'm worried about you.
Come on. I'm in good shape.
I'm walkin' tall.
I'm lookin' good.
First weekend in Europe.
Yeah. We're spending it
in an airplane hangar watching a truck.
We got each other.
Well, I was kinda thinking we'd get
a couple of companions this weekend.
Too bad the girls
are in Germany.
- We could get a hoteI room somewhere.
- Yeah.
- Spend a few days eating room service.
- WouId've been good.
We could take 'em up in the Alps
for a little spin.
Oh, yeah.
- I'll drive.
- Okay.
We're here.
Don't forget, you promised me
a reaI expensive dinner...
before we see this--
whatever it is.
Right.
Come with me, my dear.
Now, don't forget, this is a secret,
so you can't tell anybody, okay?
Not unless they torture me.
- OfficiaI business.
- May I see your identification?
Thank you, Captain.
Uh, yeah.
Just follow me.
When the Army entrusts an important
project like this to an officer...
it usually means they're priming him
for a major promotion.
Wow.
I really think
you're gonna like this.
Yeah?
- Are you gonna get sick or something?
- Where the fuck's my truck?
Hey, where's the EM-50?
A couple of soldiers took it
to get it washed, sir.
Took it to get it washed?
ls there a bathroom around here?
I gotta pee.
- Hold it!
- They had proper l.D., sir.
Did you want me to notify
Post Security, sir?
You keep your mouth shut about this.
Do you understand me?
And you Iet no one in there.
No one! Not even the colonel!
Yes, sir.
You know, I think this guy
Stillman is really dangerous.
Yeah, I'm becoming
aware of that, you know.
Okay, let's go.
Let's load that truck.
Sergeant.
We've traced the EM-50 to Germany.
They're probably heading to East Berlin.
Sir, if you'll take my advice,
there's a crack squad in the 42nd...
that couId link up
with the Air Recon.
We'd have that EM-50 back here
inside of 24 hours.
We'd be the laughingstock
of the whole armed forces.
We will do this ourseIves.
Sir, those numb-nuts can't
even tie their own shoelaces.
I don't care, Sergeant.
Just load the truck, and let's move out.
AII right, we're moving out!
Move!
I guess we're going after
John and Russell.
I can't believe
they're Russian spies. Can you?
All I know is,
I finally get to kill somebody.
Have you been doing
your speciaI exercises?
- I brought the magic suitcase.
- You did?
- I can't see a thing up ahead, sir.
- The turnoff is just up to the right.
No, sir.
If we turn right, we're going--
When I want your input,
I will ask for it. Thank you.
For Christ's sakes, Captain.
We just broke through the--
This is my mission. I would appreciate
if you let me run it. Thank you.
Fuck this.
- Hey, Sarge, where are you going?
- What's going on, Sarge?
Sarge, what are you doing?
Here you go. There you go.
Get 'em up there, boys.
Stupid jerks.
Dankeschon, darling
Dankeschon, darling
Gunther, get yourself
a new Volkswagen, huh?
Folks, don't order the schnitzel.
They're using schnauzer.
Hey, Hansel, Gretel!
We're your allies.
It's cool. All right.
All right, Klaus,
hold it up right here.
We got some naked animals in here
we don't want you to see.
Here you are.
- Here, more worthless money for you.
- Come on.
- All right.
- Did you leave the radio on?
- What do you mean?
- It's a shortwaver.
This is the EM-50?
Mayday.
Code 21, status 7.
Code 21. Go ahead.
I'm with the U.S. Army,
I have a platoon and C.O.
being held by hostile enemy...
at coordinates 416397.
They're Russian troops,
about 200.
Send help. I gotta get movin'.
Hmm, 416397.
That's Czechoslovakia.
- 41st Armored?
- Yeah, Bravo Company.
- That's our unit.
- Oh, no.
- They came looking for us.
- Oh, they've had it.
We've had it.
If it's a status 7 like you said,
they went in undercover.
So the D.O.D. won't even
acknowledge it.
Those guys are dead.
- We gotta go get 'em.
- Yeah.
We're responsible.
Come on, it's Czechoslovakia.
We zip in, we pick 'em up
and we zip right out again.
We're not going to Moscow.
It's Czechoslovakia.
It's like going into Wisconsin.
Well, I got the shit kicked out of me
in Wisconsin once. Forget it.
We're so damn lost.
Where the hell is Innsbruck, Austria?
We're gonna do some skiing.
- Do you know Brandy? Hi, girls.
- Excuse me.
What a darling unitorm.
Is there a bathroom here?
There must be a bathroom
around here somewhere.
Hi. I'm John Winger of the United States
Army and you are my prisoner.
Why are you doing this?
Oh, Chicago.
What do we want with prisoners?
Come on, move!
Do the words "act of war"
mean anything to you, huh?
- I have a plan.
- Great. Custer had a plan too.
We are in serious troubIe.
He said he had a plan.
Now just give him a chance.
What an idiot.
Get in here.
- All right, we're in.
- Nice work.
- What's the plan?
- I'm working on it.
God, what an idiot.
He's working on it.
This is ridiculous.
Hey, they're about
to start shooting at us.
- Good. That's fine. Let them.
- It's working.
- Louise, get this thing moving.
- You're dangerous, you know that?
Oh, this is interesting.
I got it figured this way.
They got one big gun and two tanks.
They got a hundred
Baryshnikovs running around.
- And what do we got?
- What do we got?
We got one heavily armed
recreationaI vehicle here, man.
Okay, find that truck,
and we find them.
- There's a gun in that tower, Russell.
- I see him.
All right, steady.
- Got him!
- All right! Oh, God!
Good one, Russell.
- There's the truck.
- Must be them. Get ready!
Out, please!
John, over here!
- That was stupid.
- Yeah.
- You know who would love this?
- Who?
Russell. He should be here.
Help!
- Thank you.
- That helped.
They better be in there.
You can beat me
as much as you want!
- Are you okay?
- Where are they?
- Hi.
- Where are the others?
- Who is it?
- It's ldi Amin.
It's Winger!
It's us, Winger!
Get us out!
Stand back from the door.
I'm gonna blow it.
Everybody back!
You get it.
Get down.
- One tough door!
- You got it locked on the inside?
It's because of you people
that I cannot get outside!
It's always your fault.
You are not capable of handling--
to take orders from me.
- Open this door!
- I'm gonna squash him!
- Winger! Oh, I'm so glad!
- What are you doing here?
Look out, Louise!
There's a tank behind us! Move it!
Find John, will you?
I'm gonna kill him.
We had a car waiting.
Let's get outta here!
We're here!
You're in trouble!
You're going on report!
There's something
blocking the road. Hang on!
I'm gettin' too old
for this shit!
Gentlemen, we are in Germany!
Platoon, attention!
Queen Anne salute!
Get up!
Thank you.
It's great to be back home.
My people, we're number one.
All right.
All right, we're getting medals.
Look. Valorous service. Thank you.
What the--
A surprise party!
I'll kill you.
Whose idea was this?
Everybody's coming to my place.
This is ridiculous.
Senator, hang onto that,
will you, for me?
Oh, I wrote.
I didn't know if you'd come.
No questions, please.
We just want to get back
to our hoteI rooms...
and have some really serious sex.
What are you lookin' at?
Keep your eyes out there.
Oh, you old dog.
Right face!
Forward march!
Left...
Left, right, lett.
There she was just walkin'
down the street singin'
Doo wah ditty
ditty dum ditty doo
Snapping her fingers
and shuffling her feet singin'
She looked good
She looked fine
And I nearly lost my mind