Stripperland (2011) Movie Script
(whooshing)
(film reeling)
(growling)
(yelling, bat hitting)
- [Idaho] Three weeks ago,
this wouldn't have
made any sense.
(bat clings) But so much
has happened since then.
I suppose I should've expected
things to end this way.
(zombie growling) If we could
just back up a few minutes.
(zombie screeching)
I said, if we could just
back up a few minutes.
(reversing audio)
(cart rolling)
That's me.
About three minutes ago,
and about three weeks
after the shit really went down.
Life was simpler then.
I mean, look how cool I look.
And yes, I am talking to myself.
It helps my memory when I
recite the rules outloud.
You might say this
book is my bible.
It's told me everything
I need to know.
Like Rule #3:
Strippers never tell the truth.
(typewriter ding)
- I'm Porshe, and I really
like you. (club music)
You're different
from the others.
- I'm Ferrari, and I'd
like to give you something
special in the Champagne Room.
- I'm Mercedes, call me.
555-5555.
- Sweet.
(audio fast forwards) -
[Idaho] I mean, on the surface,
some of these rules don't
appear to be very helpful...
But, you have to read
between the lines.
(club music) Like Rule #2:
Strippers are not
prostitutes. (typewriter ding)
(sloshing) I can't tell
you how many people
have trouble understanding
that simple rule.
(door squeaking) It's
like this whole problem.
It sounded great on paper.
At first, it was like the
ultimate fantasy come true.
(cart wheels squeaking)
Rumors that the women
in our schools,
offices, and churches
were tearing their clothes
off and dressing like sluts.
The spectacle of the
thing just overwhelmed us.
The men, I mean. (muffled
background music)
(zombie growling) We
wanted so hard to believe
in something that we
blocked out reality.
Like Rule #6:
No matter how much
money you spend,
and no matter what they say...
(man screaming, zombie biting)
There is NO SEX in
the V.I.P. Room.
(multiple customers
screaming, club music)
(ripping) Everything
looks so sloppy.
There was no organization,
no resistance...
If we were to have
thought with our heads,
instead of our dicks,
this whole thing
could have been avoided.
Nobody could see what was
going on until it was too late.
They said it was mass
hysteria. (splattering)
I mean, did they think we
were imagining all this?
Getting naked was great!
(package crinkling)
But we didn't know our
moms, and sisters would be
turned into flesh-eating
fantasy sex monsters
that would treat us like food.
(footsteps) Did you hear that?
Rule #8: Strippers love heels.
It's like a dead giveaway.
It also makes them very slow.
(zombies growling)
(yelling)
(bags crinkling)
(heavy rock)
(bags slam against wall)
(Idaho screams)
(bottles clinging)
(zombie oofs) Rule #12:
Always bring your A Game.
(bat unsheathing) Strippers
get hit on constantly.
(yelling, bat hits) If you
try to hit on strippers,
and don't bring your A Game,
they will eat you alive.
(Idaho hits the ground)
Welcome, to Stripperland.
("Stripperland"
by Western Aerial)
(zombie screeching)
(police siren)
(zombie groans)
(zombies growling)
(police siren)
(zombie growling)
(zombie growling)
(party horn)
(bone cracking)
(zombies screeching, growling)
(Hummer pulling up)
(gun cocking)
- [Frisco] I didn't bring
any dollar bills, bitches.
I guess this dance is gonna
have to be on the house.
(shotgun blasts)
(Idaho grunting,
zombies growling)
- Hey! Help, a little help here.
(zombie groaning, gunshot)
(Idaho grunting)
Holy crap, you sure
showed up in time.
I thought I was a goner.
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
(running)
Hey! I think we should
probably get outta here.
I think there are more coming.
Did you hear me?
- Yeah.
- [Idaho] (running) Then...
What are you doing?
- Shoppin'.
(soft background
music) Can you bake?
I said, can you bake?
(smoke detector beeping)
- [Woman] Hey, what's burning?
- Kinda.
- Crap. (box hits the floor)
Crap. (other box hits)
Complete crap. (third box hits)
(hitting boxes) All these
premade mixes are complete shit.
Man I need something...
(hitting boxes)
From scratch.
None of this premade bullshit.
Everywhere I go, no eggs,
bad milk, and only flour.
Fuckin' doo.
(Idaho hits shelf)
(mumbling) Nobody can cook.
(continues mumbling)
(Hummer accelerates)
You look pathetic, get in.
(heavy metal)
(radio static)
- So, not from around here.
- Mm.
- Back east, down south?
- San Francisco.
- Oh, nice!
I was there once.
My parents took me, nice place.
Bridge, Alcatraz...
It's amazing anybody
ever escaped from there.
Sharks!
By the way, I'm-
- Look, I don't have any use
for any names...
In this mess you either
are are you aren't.
And chances are we
won't be for long.
- Okay, well, what should
we call each other?
- You're Idaho.
- Huh?
Oh, like that movie!
We call each other by
where we came from? Cool...
So you're San Fran, no, Frisco.
Yeah, Frisco...
But I need a different name.
- You're Idaho.
- Well, yeah, but
I'm not even from-
- Idaho!
(Hummer accelerating)
- [Idaho] You don't
talk much, do you?
- Nope.
- Would you like to
know more about me?
What else is there
to talk about?
(punching, splattering)
(Frisco sighs)
You wouldn't believe this but,
I lived with my dad and stepmom.
They left me pretty much alone.
(punk rock playing
through the computer)
(messenger beeps)
(typing, messenger beeping)
(clicking, typing)
(clicking, scoffing)
(clicking, zombie growling)
(messenger beeps)
(Dad yelling, glass
breaking in the background)
(clicking)
- This is Susie Borman,
coming to you live.
Women are returning in
various states of undress,
and seeking male victims.
Widespread reports from
malls and churches,
and office buildings
report that women
are inexplicably tearing
off their clothes,
and seeking screaming
acts of murder.
Officials are urging
citizens, men particularly,
stay indoors, and avoid all
women in a state of undress.
It may seem that they
have desire for sex,
but really they just want to
eat you. (messenger beeps)
I see terrible
things, stay indoors!
Oh, my God! (zombies groaning)
- [Idaho] This is all BS.
(typing)
Alright, it's porn
time. (clicking)
(typing, struggle escalates
in the background)
(clearing throat)
(clicking)
- [Actress] Oh,
man, it's so hot.
(opening popsicle wrapper)
(door knock) - Go away!
(door knocking, grunts)
Go away! I'm working.
(door knocking) Fuck, alright!
I'm coming to get you Barbara.
(opening door)
(Barbara grunts)
Uh, hey Barbara.
(Barbara growls)
I'm just gonna...
Go now... (slams door)
- Oh, God.
- Dad!
- Goddamnit.
- Dad, what happened?
We have to get
you to a hospital.
- (grunting) Ah,
c'mon, it's not so bad.
- Dad, what did she do to you?
- It's not her fault,
she's a good woman.
It's the virus, a
jerk of a virus.
It's taken over.
(Barbara growling)
Look, son, I know I haven't
been there for you always.
I haven't lead a great life.
I know I missed
your soccer games,
and school plays,
and you enjoyed
those school plays,
and that's why
I thought you were a fag,
but (grunting and mumbling).
Ah, major pain, major pain, oh.
(panting, Barbara growling)
I was trying to
make a good life.
A life for you and Barbara, me.
I got all those strip
clubs, put 'em together,
we almost went public,
it was for you!
And I had to get you a Beemer...
The other kids have video
games and try to keep up.
(coughing) Oh, God.
Damn it! (Barbara yelling)
Take this, jumpin' Jesus on
a pogo stick, that hurts.
(groaning) Oh, it hurts.
When everything's fucked,
open that and use it.
When everything is
fucked, ya got it?!
And remember, don't
you forget, I love you.
You remember, I-I love you.
I love you! (groans)
(door breaks open)
(choking)
Save yourself, son!
Go! (Barbara growling)
Run, save yourself!
Bitch!
(Barbara growling) Ah,
hey, what are you doing?
(Dad screaming in pain)
(biting sounds,
blood splattering)
- And I've been
running ever since.
- So what's in it?
- What?
- The briefcase.
- Oh...
I don't know.
I don't even have
the combination.
(Hummer accelerating)
So, thanks for picking
me up, back there.
I have this book...
Rule #9: Always fly with a
Wingman. (typewriter ding)
You help him, and
he will help you.
So, I'll be your Wingman.
We can be partners!
I never had a partner bef-
- Look!
We're not Wingmen, okay?
We're not even partners.
You're just some kid
I picked up, okay?
(sighing)
Idaho, I'm sorry.
- It's cool, I just thought
since we're survivors,
we'd have to stick together,
but I understand how-
- No, I'm sorry.
- Oh!
Oh, God.
Dude, the window won't go down.
- [Frisco] I locked it.
- [Idaho] Oh, what did you
eat, a skunk?
Oh, God.
Ugh, oh, God. (distant hip hop)
Jesus.
Jesus.
- Do you hear that?
- Wait, you hear that too?
Oh, here's something.
- (gasping) It's
like we connected!
(singsongy) We got
a mighty convoy,
trucking through
the night, yeah!
We got a mighty convoy,
ain't she a beautiful sight?
Convoy!
- Not the fucking song
in your fucking head, you idiot.
Which is off-key, by the way.
- [Idaho] You're off-key!
- That's one!
I'm talking about that.
("Club Life" by Double
D feat. Pale Soul)
- [Idaho] Holy shit.
(zombies groaning)
C'mon kid, I got
somethin' for ya.
(bat bumping into other
items) Club life
It's like I spend all
my time in the club, baby
Oh-oh
'til all my
money is gone, girl
Club life
Take good care of this.
I made my first kills with it.
(bat hits the ground)
Let's go check this
out. (cocks gun)
Ya'all needs to chill
or maybe take some pill
They don't know
That this rhyme here can kill
When it is all over someone
please just read the will
Double D, the WFC
Stash all cash
'cause all this shit is free
Bitch, get down
Get down on one knee
So here's an antiseptic
to confirm that it is me
They gots the numbers
but I gots the links
When this concert is all over
they'll be lightin' them pics
Like an addict, unh!
(shotgun blast)
(zombie hits ground)
Yo man, what the fuck?
What the fuck were
you thinkin', man?
- Sorry.
- That was one of
my hottest zimbies.
That bitch would've gotten
me paid, and laid, yeah.
Alright, well fuck the
dumb shit, she's gone now.
Club life
It's like I spend all
my time in the club, baby
Oh-oh
- Dude, dude!
(hitting Frisco's arm)
It's Double D!
Dub, the rapper!
C'mon, man, he's world-famous.
East coast
Is where I came
- [Frisco] Yeah?
Well I prefer good ol'
boys, like Waylon Jennings.
- I don't even know
what you just said.
It's why this O.G.
is in the hall of fame
- I'm gonna go meet him.
So put away your rodents
and that fucking dime
- Yo, like-a dis, brotha.
We will always climb
A platinum fuckin'
record now we in the
Club life
It's like I spend all
my time in the club, baby
Oh-oh
'til my money's gone, girl
Club life
Now I'm back on the grind
- Yeah.
Because it's make money money
Take money money
So I can spend some on you
You can't hide
You can't hide that fear
- What's going on here?
- [Bouncer] Bitches love the D.
- Double D.
- [Bouncer] As long
as the D is a-rappin',
the bitches are a-flappin'.
And lemme take the lead
bust some Remy Martin
- They're flapping.
- Uck.
- Better crowds then they got.
- Do you mind,
can I talk to him?
I'm a big fan!
- Oh, yeah?
You and 50 million other
people, baby. (chuckles)
- [Idaho] Okay.
- [Double D] Hey, if you wanna
get some of these chicks,
you might want to invest
in some new clothes, cuz.
Numsayin?
- No.
- Dumbasses.
Don't you cry
As I say bye-bye
I'll call you in the morning
Now you know that that's a lie
There's no other
Not a single other guy
That you would let just walk
And never ask him why
Fairly well
Because you know
that I am gone
Remember me the King
Yo yo yo, not Kong
I was right
and you was wrong
- Let's go, kid.
At least that when I jet
You will always have this song
(Hummer door shuts) Club life
It's like I spend all
my time in the club, baby
Oh-oh
- Rule #8: Strippers love hip
hop music. (typewriter dings)
Now I'm back on the grind
(engine starts)
- Hasta la Winnebago, bitches.
(Hummer accelerating)
(zombies growling)
- [Idaho] I still don't
understand why we couldn't stay.
- [Frisco] Goin' somewhere is
better than goin' nowhere kid.
(Hummer accelerating)
(crickets chirping)
- [Idaho] So, are you sure
you know where you're going?
- Fuck you.
- What, I just asked.
- And I said, fuck you.
Sometimes when you insult
people they say "Fuck you."
- No, I was just wondering
if you had a plan-
- Oh, you had a thought,
well imagine that.
But your thought implies that
I don't know what the fuck
I'm doing, and instead
of just pulling over
to the side of the road to
read a map or something,
I'll just drive us out here
in the middle of the night
without a fuckin'
idea where I'm going.
Well thanks for joining
the party, fuckwad.
(crickets chirping)
(door opening) -
What is this place?
- Shh.
(door closes)
- Is this where you were headed?
Is this the plan?
(paper and leaves crunching)
- Balls, get your balls here.
(zombies groaning) Tube
steak, we got your tube steak.
(zombies growling)
(cocking gun, shotgun blast)
(shotgun blast)
- Yeah, that was awesome!
Yeah!!
- C'mon, let's eat.
(door closes)
(footsteps)
(ominous music)
Maybe some fresh orange juice?
Fluffy, flaky croissant?
Yeah...
fluffy, flaky, croissant.
(cocks gun)
(footsteps)
(zombie growling)
Take that!
(items clanging, clattering)
Where you at?
There you are.
C'mere! (shotgun blast)
Oh, you want some?
You didn't want any of
this. (shotgun blast)
You don't want any of
this. (shotgun blast)
- [Idaho] God, this
is a huge chainsaw.
- [Frisco] Idaho, come
in here and help me.
I'm gonna cook something.
- Kay, I'm coming!
(slaps doorway)
(crickets chirping)
Ugh, that was amazing.
God, I haven't eaten
like that since-
- It was okay.
I was hopin' for
somethin' a little better.
- [Idaho] Okay, so,
elephant in the room.
Where are we going?
I don't really care, it just
seems like you have a plan.
I don't really care
what the plan is.
I'll go anywhere, I'm with you.
I mean, I'll go with you.
I was just wondering.
(fire crackling)
- [Frisco] They say the
shortest way to a man's heart
is through his stomach.
Ash just proved that was true.
(sniffing)
So to answer your
question, cake.
- Huh?
You asked me where I was goin'?
(as Idaho) What's the plan?
That's the plan.
(faint whispering)
- Really, cake?
Or brownies.
Fuck, I'd even settle for
a cupcake at this point.
What about fruit
pies, or Twinkies?
- What?
- Twinkies.
- Well we wouldn't have
to go very fucking far
to find a Twinkie now, would we?
Every corner mart's got
Twinkies all over the place.
It's not like they ever go bad.
No, son, I'm talkin' about
fresh, baked sunshine.
My whole life was a warm,
toasty, cinnamon, melty cream.
A crispy, satin-y,
crumble butter flake.
A mint, moist,
chocolate vanilla dream.
A butterscotch-coated,
honey-frosted, whipped love cake.
I hate these cannibal bitches.
(stairs creaking) And I
always knew I would learn,
if Ash could be
here to teach me.
- But you asked me if
I knew how to bake.
- [Frisco] You
know, sometimes...
In my sleep, I can
smell the cookies.
I wake up, and it
just disappears.
I could be driving and
I swear I could smell
fresh, baked apple
pie in the distance.
(sighing) Sometimes it's
the only thing that-
- What?
What?
- Nothin'.
Why don't you just
go to a bakery?
- Fuck you.
- What?
That seems like the
logical thing to do.
You want a cupcake?
Go to a bakery.
- Oh, why didn't
I think of that?
Oh, I know, because I'm
not some stupid fuckin' kid
who thinks every idea
that pops into his head,
he's the first person
who's ever had that idea.
- Hurtful...
Words hurt.
(engine stalling)
(running)
(zombie growling)
(woman screaming)
(gun cocking, shotgun blast)
(shotgun blast) - Do you know
what the fuck's going on here?
This is no Sunday school
picnic. (cocks gun)
- No!
- [Idaho] Wait, they don't
look like strippers!
- No!
- [Frisco] Are you a stripper?
- [Virginia] No, I could
never be a stripper.
Besides, I can't dance for shit.
- [Frisco] Maybe I should
kill you just to be sure!
- Dude, she said
she can't dance.
That means she's not a stripper.
- [Frisco] So they say, but
they did try to steal my truck.
- Listen cowboy, relax.
- How do I know they're
not gonna turn into
one of those things?
- [West] We're okay,
we're not infected!
We're sorry, we didn't
know we could trust you.
- [Frisco] Oh, so I can
trust you bitches now?
Last time I saw a woman like you
she was eating a man's brain.
- That shouldn't
have taken long.
- [Idaho] Oh, snap.
- [West] Look, we're not
cannibal strippers, cocksucker.
We broke down and we're
trying to get outta here.
- We're lost, and we
just wanna get home.
- Yeah, where's that?
- Oregon, Portland
near the coast.
- Oregon? Nobody's
trying to get to Oregon.
Everyone's trying to
get out of Oregon.
- Ore-"gone," really?
- You of all people
should know, stripper boy,
you gotta go through
Portland to get to the coast.
And Portland had more
strippers per capita
than any other city
in the United States.
It was full of strippers
before the outbreak.
- Well maybe it's not anymore.
- No it's worse.
Everything's a strip club now.
They got this place
called Stripper Alley.
It's Ground fuckin' Zero.
- Please, we just
wanna get home.
- [Frisco] No, I'm not
goin', no matter what.
It's like trying to go bear
hunting with a leatherman.
- (crying) Please!
- We're trying to get
there to see our Grandbo.
- So wait, your what?
- [West] Our grandma,
we call her Grandbo.
- What kinda name is that?
- [West] Fuck these losers,
we'll find another way.
- N-n-n-no, it's just kind
of a weird name, is all.
- It'll be a lot
stranger when she puts
her size 10 shoe up her ass.
- Whoa, I didn't mean
anything by it, I-
- Stupid and nave.
Your Gumby's probably
infected and'll stick
her wrinkled clam in your
face if you get too close.
- Grandbo.
- [Frisco] Gumby, Gumbo,
whatever, is she some
kind of ancient army bag.
- [West] Yes she is, and she's
a lot of other things, too.
- Yeah, a bowler, a lodge
president, a champion baker...
- [West] And our grandmother,
so we're going to
go see her one way or another.
- [Frisco] Wait, what?
- [West] Fuck off.
- No, look, I'm sorry, this
whole thing has just gotten me-
Did you say champion baker?
- [Virginia] Yeah, she's
the best in the west.
Ten times in 20 years.
- She bakes.
- [West] She also
kicks ass at Scrabble.
Fuck you.
- [Virginia] Why
does that matter?
- [Idaho] He has a
thing for baked goods.
I dunno.
Dude, let's help them.
Dude, why are you
being so difficult.
They're uninfected girls.
Uninfected girls!
Don't fuck this up for me, man.
Okay, just think of
those hot, moist cookies
coming out of the oven.
If their Gumby is
a champion baker-
- [Virginia] If
you get us there,
I'll make sure you get so much-
- What?
- Well, more, cookies,
pies, and cakes
than you can even imagine.
- [Frisco] I don't know,
I can imagine a lot.
- [Virginia] Well,
if you get us there
in one piece, you get it all.
- I better.
- You will.
(rock music)
(engine starts)
(Hummer accelerates)
- [Idaho] So...
So what have you two
been doing to survive?
- Whatever we can.
- Oh, good God.
- So, what are your names?
- Well he's Frisco.
We have this thing
where we're named
after the state
where we come from.
- What state is Frisco,
shouldn't he be Cali?
- And I'm Idaho.
- Potatoes, new turf.
- Oh, I'm not really from...
So, where are you from?
- [West] Virginia, we're
both from Virginia.
- So much for your name game.
- She's Virginia and
then you're West.
- What?
- [Frisco] Shut up, West.
(Hummer passing)
- Soo, this is
pretty weird, huh?
It's like a Greek
tragedy, you know?
I mean, think about it.
A world full of strippers.
That's like every man's fantasy:
a bunch of hot
chicks in lingerie.
I mean, I've talked
to a lot of guys
who would've thought
this was perfect.
But instead of having
sex, they want to eat us.
It's like, a "be careful
what you wish for" thing,
like a myth or a fable.
It's a perversion of our
perversions, you know?
I mean, men see
women in a certain-
(heavy rock)
(blade swipes, Idaho gargling)
...perversion of our
perversions, you know?
I mean men see woman
in a certain way (Hummer accelerating).
I guess I'm kind of like,
a lesbian, because we both
like the same kinds of things,
or maybe I'm kind of like-
- [Virginia] We should
go to that mall.
- [Frisco] Why would
anyone wanna go
to a mall at a time like this?
Those things love the mall.
The mall's the worst
place you can go.
- [West] It would
be hard to secure,
but there might be
some advantages to it.
It's also a target;
those things love
Hot Topic and Victoria's Secret.
- I was just thinking
we could get some stuff,
like clothes, or-
- It's too dangerous.
- (groaning) Well, maybe we
could get something to eat.
You know, if they
have a food court,
maybe we could
get some, I dunno,
elephant ears, or something.
We've been driving all night.
(techno music)
(zombies groaning)
- [West] I think it'd be
safer to go around back.
- Agreed. I prefer rear entry.
It looks locked.
Even if this was a good idea,
and I don't think it
is, we can't get in.
- [West] I can
get us in, cowboy.
(door closing)
- [Idaho] (whistles
once) Sweet ride.
It needs a wash though.
(lock picking)
(alarm blares once)
- Something I
picked up in Israel.
- [Frisco] Well,
you're smarter than
ya look, aren't ya, cookie?
- Why thank you!
And I'm not your
cookie fucktard.
(gun cocking)
(door shuts)
(zombies groaning, footsteps)
(running)
Sure you can handle
that, cupcake?
- Yeah, I think I'll be alright.
It's Rule#12: Always
bring your A Game,
because strippers get
hit on constantly.
And you're not even
listening to me.
(footsteps)
(soft background music)
(footsteps)
- [Frisco] This place is
huge, I'm gonna check it out.
- We should stay together.
- They need to stay here,
and you need to stay with them.
(footsteps, zombies groaning)
(soft background music)
- [Idaho] So, why did you guys
try to steal Frisco's truck?
- [West] Because I don't
know how to hotwire a car.
- [Virginia] We tried,
but they make it
look so easy in the video games.
- [Idaho] Yeah, Grand Theft
Auto, all you have to do
is (mumbling, West coughs).
So, anyway what I was
saying earlier, in the car,
I'm not trying to
be a macho jerk,
it really is like
a Greek tragedy.
The Bocki were these women,
who would tear men apart.
They would get all horny-
- Why can't you be more like
your friend, he takes care of
business and shuts his yap.
- [Virginia] Why do you
call them strippers?
They're not strippers,
they're monsters.
(zombies groaning)
- [Idaho] They are
compelled to dance
provocatively and
dress in lingerie.
I mean, the virus hits and they
start looking for
thongs and heels.
I mean, it makes sense but
I'm not sure who started it.
- Shitballs like you
started the name.
But I heard the military
started the problem.
See, they were
experimenting with
some behavior-altering
chemicals.
They just thought they could
dump it and it would go away.
- [Soldier] Oh, crap!
(liquid pouring out)
- [West] But something happened.
Soaked into the water
supply. (burning)
- Huh, that's not
what I heard at all.
I heard (sneezing) it
started in a strip club.
Yeah, it was a mutation
of Mad Cow's Disease,
caused by a mixture of
germs and chemicals.
(dubstep music) Rule #11:
Never eat at a strip club.
(crunching, typewriter dings)
- What's with the rules?
- Well, I,
- Rule #55: You're an idiot.
(typewriter ding) - [Virginia]
I don't think anyone knows
how it actually
started, but i think
it was spread through the money.
Paper money isn't actually
paper, it's partly cotton,
and there's a lot of
germs in it- (tapping)
What do we do? Where's
it coming from?
- I'm ready.
(unsheathing machete)
- One, that's no stripper,
unless she has three legs.
(microphone feedback)
- [Intercom voice] Food, army, money?
No.
When there's no
room on the pole,
the strippers will
walk the earth.
- [West] What? Who are you?
(tapping)
- I came from Indianapolis.
I lost 100 that first
night. (tapping)
In the morning we
formed tight groups.
Then we'd hit at them, sometimes
the stripper'd go away.
And sometimes she wouldn't.
You know, the thing about
a stripper is she's got
painted eyes, black
eyes, like a doll's eye.
And when they come at you,
they don't seem to be living.
Then they rip you to pieces.
- Who's the pimp?
(Maestro laughing)
(electronic music)
- Mmm.
(footsteps, zombies groaning)
- [Frisco] But why a
mall, of all places?
- [Maestro] Well I used to
troll these malls for bitches,
and then I'd turn 'em out.
- [West] I never
would've thought of that.
- [Maestro] Well, that's
why you're not in the game.
I've been here over a
week, and all the doors
are locked, and
it's perfectly safe.
In fact, how did you
guys get in here?
(footsteps, zombies groaning)
(alarm blares once)
- [Maestro] My daddy was a
pimp, my grandpappy was a pimp.
I'm from a long line of
pimps, but I'm the best,
because I play the
bitches like a symphony.
That's why they call me Maestro.
Shit, you think
this is a costume?
This is a way of life.
- [Idaho] Cool...
- [Maestro] But today, shit.
All the bitches in the world
shake their ass for free.
And these bitches will kill you.
Now, how's a
motherfucker not supposed
to get motherfuckin' cheese
when the pussy be attackin.'
So I've just been layin' here,
L7 til the shit blows over.
I figure that pussy'd
be worth more anyway.
- Look what I found.
- [Idaho] Oh my God, I'm gonna
eat the shit out of this.
(footsteps, zombies groaning)
(electronic music)
- [Maestro] And I said, why
go to an amusement park?
That's like the
stupidest idea ever.
(soft background music) I
mean, strippers are attracted
to lights and blinky
shit like that, you know?
It's like, they're
reminded of who they were,
who they always wanted to be.
I think that's why
they're attracted
to the poles on the
carousels so much.
- We were wondering if you
wanted to come with us.
- Oh, I don't think so,
I'm a pimp, I'm a bad man.
- [Idaho] No you're not.
- [Maestro] Yes, I am.
I'd turn these
bitches out in a day.
Well, you might take
a little longer.
But you, yeah, I could
turn you out in a day.
- [Virginia]
(laughing) Please...
- Eh, no, no, that's
okay, I like you.
- [Frisco] Take care, man.
- [Maestro] Stay fit, bitches.
- [West] Take it easy.
(tapping)
- Thanks for comin' bitches!
(zombies groaning)
(Maestro screams)
- Guys...
Guys?
(running)
(footsteps)
(zombies feeding, splattering)
(gun cocking)
(frantic rock music)
- We gotta go, there's no
way to secure this position.
(running)
(zombies growling)
No! They'll hear us.
More will come.
Watch this.
(unsheathing machete)
(door closing)
(zombies growling)
(kicking)
(slicing)
(kicking)
(stabbing, sloshing)
- Look out!
(slamming against Hummer)
(stabbing)
(grunting)
- What are you waiting for?
(splattering)
(Hummer accelerates)
- God, you were so Sigourney
Weaver in Aliens III.
It was awesome!
I don't know many girls
that can fight like that.
- [West] Grandbo
taught us how to fight.
Well, she taught
me how to fight.
Virginia never paid attention.
(Virginia humming)
After that, I went
into the military.
- Which one? Which branch?
- (whispering)
That's classified.
(clicks tongue)
- You know Frisco
here's trained too.
He's like a cage fighter.
- No, I'm a
self-taught ass-kicker.
I just hate fucking strippers.
When you're motivated it's easy.
Hey, Ash, look what I
got! (people screaming)
(zombies growling)
(in slow motion) Nooo!
I made it this far because
I don't care anymore.
Ash meant everything to me.
(braking hard, Virginia screams)
- [Idaho] This is it, guys.
Once we cross this line
there's no turning back.
We could die here tonight
and no one would ever know.
What would the ancient
Confucius sages
write about us if they could?
Be this the last line-
- Shut the fuck up!
You are so fucking obnoxious.
(as Idaho) I don't know
how to stop talking.
I-what?
(Hummer accelerates)
- It's beautiful.
- I think so too,
I love the trees,
and the green, and the
fresh air, I love it here!
- It's incredible.
- You know, I don't know many
men that like such things.
- Are you kidding?
It's a paradise.
(soft orchestral music)
(kissing, moaning)
There are strip
clubs everywhere!
Ah, I should've move
to Oregon sooner.
(kicking, Idaho screams)
(Hummer accelerates)
- Mm, (yawning)
oh, where are we?
- Still a ways away.
- Look, I know you guys
both think I'm a retard.
And I'm sorry if
it seems like I am.
You know, all about
the strippers...
It's just, I don't know how
to deal with regular girls.
- No shit.
- But I'm not trying
to be a creep.
I just don't know...
It's hard to talk
to regular girls.
It's hard for me, at least.
With strippers, there was
a uniform, a protocol.
They act a certain way.
- Are you serious?
(scoffs)
- They act that way
for your money, kid.
- [Idaho] Okay, but at
least I know what they want.
I mean, maybe someone like
you knows what women want,
but how am I supposed to tell?
- [Viriginia] Okay,
this is fucked up.
You group all
strippers together,
and then you group
all women together.
You're treating both
groups like objects.
- No, I-I wasn't...
- And since strippers are
women too, you're
double-objecting them.
Strippers take off their
clothes for money, so what?
You know, it takes
two to make that work.
Some guy sits there, and
pays them to do that.
He's paying her to pretend
to be interested in him.
Do you know how hard that is?
Imagine pretending not to
throw up, when an old guy
sits there, who smells
like piss and tobacco,
and tells you he reminds
you of his granddaughter.
Or what about the
greasy managers?
Who angle you for sex, so you
can get a better-paying shift.
Or, imagine trying to be
polite, to creepy guys
who think you're in
a relationship now,
just because they
saw your snatch-
- Chill out!
(Virginia sighs)
It is what it is,
but it isn't what
you think it is,
that's for sure.
- Uh, wow.
I had no idea.
- So Virginia, how
is it that you know
the grind a stripper
goes through?
(radio crackling)
- [Man on radio] Calling
anyone on this frequency.
If you can hear me,
please listen carefully.
We can give you safety,
there is fresh food,
a warm bed, and hot showers.
- Oh, my God!
Did you hear that?
Hot showers!
(radio crackling)
- [Man on radio] Calling
anyone on this frequency.
- (hitting door) It's on repeat.
It could be old, it
sounds like a weak signal.
- Well it must be close,
let's check it out.
- [Man on radio] Calling
anyone on this frequency.
If you can hear me,
please listen carefully.
We can give you safety,
there is fresh food,
a warm bed, and hot showers.
Calling anyone on
this frequency.
(Hummer comes to a stop)
If you can hear me,
please listen carefully.
(truck doors close,
neon sign buzzing)
- Fuckin' casino.
Let's go.
- We need to rest,
and you know it.
(zombies growling)
- Company!
(heavy rock)
- [Frisco] Step
right up, bitches.
Step up to Sniffer's Row.
(starts chainsaw) I got
your pole right here.
(laughing maniacally)
(slicing, squishing)
Hittin' stripper bitches!
(splattering) Heads up!
(slow motion growling)
(speech drowned out by music)
(limbs hitting the ground)
(splattering)
Take that, bitches!
Hey, can you do the split?
(zombie screaming, Idaho vomits)
(limbs hitting the ground)
(slow motion screaming)
(slow motion maniacal laughter)
(slow motion screaming)
(maniacal laughter)
Have at it, if you like.
I'm only good at a few things,
and zombie-killing
is one of them.
(footsteps)
(arcade sounds)
(monitors buzzing)
- [Logan] What's this?
Guests?
I don't remember
inviting any guests.
Perhaps Mother did.
That's right, finger my
money, you young pup.
(mysterious flute
music) Nice girlies.
Two women.
Oh, goodie, guests. (chuckles)
- Well, I think we're safe here.
(thunder crashes)
- Hello darkness, old friend.
We, who were born in
the crossfire hurricane,
and are hungry like
the wolves down
due long in the midnight sea...
They shall destroy the night.
The night shall divide
the day, and vengeance
from the grave shall kill
those that once were saved.
Exit, light, enter...
Night, I am he, as you
are he, and we together
shall stand up to be
counted for what we
are about to receive
and we shall climb.
Climb! Climb the stairway,
to kiss the sky!
Purple haze, purple
haze, purple haze!
(woman screaming) - [Idaho]
Did they hump the girl?
- Huh?
- Did they hump her?
- [Frisco] What? I don't
know, that's not even...
Look, the book is the
important part of the story.
- [West] I don't believe that
at all, what a load of crap.
- [Virginia] Me neither.
- [West] Sexernomicon...
I would have expected
that from him.
- [Frisco] Ah, whatever.
It's better than military
chemicals, bad food,
or strippers without
enough poles.
Alright, let's deal.
(mysterious music,
monitors buzzing)
- [Logan] Why
don't you boys run,
and fetch them here.
- [Lackey] Yes, sir.
(gasping)
- (cringing) See you got
two kings, that's no good.
See, if we were in England,
under English rules,
that'd be awesome
but this is Amurica.
We got no kings, that fold.
Ooh, two aces? Ooh, no bueno.
Sorry boys. (arcade sounds)
(ahhing)
- [Virginia] It seems
strange you guys
have never played Poker before.
- Well, I never saw
the point, until now.
- Well, this is kinda boring.
- [West] Why don't
we do something else?
I never saw anyone that
could use a chainsaw so well.
- Thank you.
- So, you ever counted?
- Counted what?
- Kills.
- Yeah, actually I have.
- Well?
Eighty fucking one of those
things, eighty fucking one.
- Fuck you.
- 84.
(scoffing)
- [Virginia] So why
do you keep that book?
I mean, I see you checking
it every now and then,
and I just thought you were
trying to avoid strippers.
- Only the infected
ones. (chuckles)
Well, since the thing happened
it's been a great resource.
I don't keep it to pick them up.
It's more like, a set
of behaviors, you know?
A bunch of rules to live by.
- Sure, if every
woman was the same.
- [Idaho] I'm not
saying that, but,
when the virus hits,
they behave very similar.
I mean, Frisco saved my
ass, but before that,
it was by the book.
Guess it's a know-your-enemy
type of thing.
- Then you're gonna like what
the doctor has to show you.
Let's go.
You, too, bitch, I
ain't got all damn day.
- So...
I hear you have a
thing for baked goods.
How do you like my muffins?
- Oh, I dunno, I
haven't tried them yet.
- Do you want to?
- Are they as good
as your grandma's?
- [Lackey] Okay
lovebirds, break it up!
- [Frisco] You better
watch where you point
that thing, or I
will take you down!
- [Lackey] Shut the hell
up, and let's get goin'.
(Logan sipping from cup)
- [Logan] Mm, oh my.
(chain clanging) Uh!
Lovely, lovely, lovely.
(door opening) Welcome!
Welcome to my humble abode!
I'm terribly sorry
about the mess.
Had I known you were coming,
I would have picked up.
(fly buzzing, Logan mumbles)
You must be thirsty?
What do you drink?
- [Virginia] What the
hell is going on here?
You have no right-
- [Logan] (imitates buzzer)
Wrong!
I'm terribly sorry,
but that's incorrect.
You see, I have every
right in the world.
Around these parts, when folks
come into a man's casino,
eat his food, play
with his money,
kill his girlies,
that gives him rights.
Are you sure that I
can't get you a drink?
- [West] Who the
hell are you, mister?
- Doctor, I'm a doctor.
Doctor Logan, at your cervix!
Ha! I never get
tired of that joke.
- [Idaho] Wait a minute, Logan?
I know you, you're that
nutjob casino owner
that killed those
hookers a few years back.
- The very same!
How kind of you to remember.
And to think, they put me in
jail for a few, tiny murders.
Took away my casino, separated
me from my dear mother.
But, what's that you
always say, Mother?
Life throws you a
lemon, and you make...
What, what is it?
Speak up, Mother,
I can't hear you.
Life throws you a lemon
and you make what?!
- Lemon meringue pie?
- No matter.
My point is, my
unfortunate incarceration
was all for the best.
In prison, I had a vision,
and I dedicated myself
to the science of retrowifery.
- [West] Did he really
just say "retrowifery?"
- [Logan] And then
the great outbreak
led me to my destiny.
Escaping from my
bonds, I returned here, back to my casino,
and my dear Mama,
and dedicated myself
to the study of this
mysterious virus.
All I needed were women
like you, uninfected women.
But I couldn't
find them anywhere.
But Mother said, be patient,
sonny, didn't you, Mother?
And of course, she
was right, as always.
And voila! Here you
are, uninfected!
Thank Heavens I
have you, Mother,
to lend me a helping hand.
- [Virginia] Wait a
minute, wait a minute.
This is all fascinating,
but I don't understand
what it has to do
with my sister and me.
- Sisters?
The two of you are sisters?
Oh, Mommy, this will be fun.
- [West] Listen,
you crazy dirtbag.
I'm gonna give you one chance.
I demand-
- [Logan] Oh, you're in
a position to demand nothing!
And once these gentlemen hear
about my work with the virus,
they'll be on my side.
- [Frisco] What are you
babbling about?
- [Idaho] Are you looking
for a cure?
- A cure?
No, a brave new world!
Imagine, retrowifery.
Turning back the clock in time,
when our women were
ladies in the parlor,
and, cover your ears, Mother...
Whores in the bedroom, heh?
Imagine...
Retrowifery, cooking
for us, cleaning for us,
ironing our shirts just
the way we like them.
Not too much starch...
A cure, why would I
want to find a cure?
Don't you see, we've been
given a second chance...
(laughing) To reshape the
world so that the women,
dance to our tune...
Instead of us dancing to theirs.
- You're nuts!
- Ha! Nuts am I?
Do you call this, nuts?! Huh?!
This is Day! (zombie growling)
I taught her how to
paint my fingernails.
Okay, it's not the neatest
job, and she did bite me.
My point is, if I could
teach her to do my manicure,
then cooking me a nice,
juicy steak be far behind?
Ah! Rearranging my
closets, helping me find
the matches for my hosiery!
Gentlemen, imagine,
coming home, and finding
your woman ready for
you, down on all fours,
scrubbing the kitchen floor.
Is there anything...
more intoxicating than that?
Imagine quiet dinners for
two, linen tablecloths,
Mother's gold-ridden
china, your wife,
gazes adoringly at you as
she silently strokes...
your thigh.
And you tell her
about your long, hard,
day at the casino,
and then while she...
tidies up the dishes,
you go soak in a nice, hot tub.
She comes in, and washes you
with the antiseptic soap,
and then she brings
you into her bed,
with its
freshly-bleached sheets.
While the sweet scent of
her perfume, mixed with
the magnificent aroma
of cleaning products,
drives you mad with desire.
Imagine this, gentlemen,
every night, 365 days a year.
Doing the naughty with a women
who never has a headache,
never makes you beg for
it, never laughs at you,
never rejects you,
never makes you
choose between her and Mother?!
- [West] Wait a minute,
you're planning to infect us
so we can starch your shirts?
- [Logan] Surely you gentlemen
see the genius of my brave,
new world. (squeezing syringe)
These girls of yours
will become infected.
All girls do, one way
or another. (laughing)
Don't you see? Don't
you understand?
Instead of killing us, they'll
become our slaves, huh?
And I'll teach them what
it is to serve a man,
from banging us
to baking for us.
- [Frisco] Did you
just say baking?
Because baking is
a special skill.
It takes years to
master, you want
these bitches to do it?
(sighing) You really are insane.
- [Logan] You're ranting
about baking and I'm insane?
Get rid of them.
I want to study these
specimens more closely.
(squeezing syringe, door closes)
Heh, bodies like strippers.
(chuckling) Are you sure
you're not infected already?
(zombie growls, chain clanging)
(Logan laughs)
And you, my dear, you...
truly are...
(in a whisper) delicious.
(zombie gasping frantically)
You know, I don't
have to infect you.
If you could...
See your way to
embrace retrowifery,
(squeezes syringe) without
my special treatment.
I so, so want to kiss you.
But you are just too
disgusting! (spits)
(syringe shatters, zombie gasps)
(zombie growls, gun clicks)
Stay where you are, both of you!
That's an order.
- Yes, sir.
(zombie growling) Fuck you, sir.
(kicks gun, grunts)
(Logan cries out,
zombie feeding)
(screaming in pain)
- [Logan] Ow, Mommy, a boo-boo!
You feminists! Time to die!
(buzzer blaring,
chains clanging)
Kill, my pets, kill them!
No, no!
(Logan screaming)
(zombies growling)
- [West] Guess you
haven't finished
their training yet.
(door kicks open)
You're okay!
- Of course.
Two things I hate most.
Strippers, and redneck
goons, dumb and slow.
- [Idaho] Are you okay?
- We're fine, but I think
he's had better days.
(limbs ripping)
- [Logan] Ladies! Don't
forget your table manners.
(screaming in pain,
zombies growling)
- Sorry, I'm late,
boss, I picked up meat and it was rancid.
Oh, I see I caught you at a
bad time, I'm gonna go now.
(zombies feeding, door closes)
(Hummer accelerates)
- [West] So, since you're
avoiding the subject,
do you think there's
a chance for us?
Don't give me that
strong, silent shit.
Do I think there's
a chance for what?
Did I think there was a
chance that some virus
would come along,
and turn every woman
into some freaky
exhibitionist ghoul?
Did I think there was a chance
I'd be driving the last two
supposedly non-stripper
chicks into the center
of this whole
fucking apocolypse?
Can't say I've been very good
at predicting the future.
Don't ask me about chances,
I'm not much of a bettin' man.
- [West] No, you're terrible,
don't ever play Poker again.
Not that I'm complaining,
but, you suck! (laughing)
- You see that?
- Yeah.
- [West] Looks like a
big house, or something.
- [Frisco] (scoffs) Tacky.
- [West] Listen, if we're
about to go into the middle
of some stripper storm, I would
like to be well-rested and fed.
Just once, I would
like to relax a bit.
(downbeat rock
music, door opens)
(keypad beeping)
(gate opening)
- (patting Idaho)
Wake up, sleepyheads.
(door closes)
(driving over gravel)
(truck doors closing)
- [Virginia] Oh, my, God.
- [Idaho] Holy shit!
I don't believe it!
It's his house!
- Who's house?
- [Idaho] Guy Gibson!
You know, the tough guy
from TV that sells the barbeque?
You know, "knock
this from my hand!"
- Who?
- [Idaho] Oh, come on.
Dude, where have you been?
He's like the biggest star ever.
We're gonna search the
house; you two stay here.
- Heh, he was so good
in so many things!
- Hunters from Space!
- Super American Army Eagle?
- He was the guy who like, came
through the smoke,
waving the flag.
- Detective Grindstone!
- [Virginia] I have
the whole series.
(as Guy Gibson) It's not
how many punks ya kill,
it's how many ya scare straight.
(briefcase hitting floor)
(crickets chirping, owl hooting)
(mumbling)
(footsteps)
(clock ticking)
(setting down gun)
- [Frisco] Ooh.
- [Virginia] My mom used
to think he was so hot.
I can't believe this
is really his place!
- What about the Mob Boss?
(as Guy Gibson)
You do me wrong...
Why would you wanna do me wrong?
- Classic.
- So good.
(growling)
(footsteps, clock ticking)
(clock strikes
midnight, gun cocking)
- [Virginia] Or how
about Moon Smashers,
where they're doing the lunar
chasing without helmets.
(ice clinging,
Virginia laughing)
Or how 'bout-
- [Guy] What the fuck
are you assholes
doing in my house?
Allow me to reiterate, my house.
(singsongy) Assholes,
what the fuck?
- [Idaho] Mr. Gibson!
- The one and only!
- [Idaho] We are so sorry.
We are your biggest
fans! (Guy scoffs)
- Yeah, right, kids your
age don't even remember me.
Well, you put the guns
away, I am yesterday.
Did you buy my last DVD?
- [Virginia] Yes.
They Call Me Guy, When
Will They Call Me Sir?
It was a lot more introspective
than your other stuff.
- Oh, well then by
all means, feel free
to jump all over my furniture.
Nobody cares about some old
action star anymore, huh?
They threw me on the heap
with Chuck and Charlie.
Yeah! Ah.
Now (grunting) they
want pretty boys.
You know, shaving your
chest is no way to be a man.
- Uh, sir?
- [Guy] Sir?
What is it, tea time?
- Why are you dressed
like a hooker? (Guy
laughs, Idaho chuckles)
- How'd you hook
up with this guy?
Obviously... (sighing)
I dress this way, to blend in.
- [Idaho] Sorry, what?
- Oh, seriously, how did you
two dim bulbs make it this far?
Alright, I go into town dressed
like this, and
nobody bothers me.
(Idaho laughs) Ahh,
oh boy. (chuckles)
You too would really like
these dead strippers.
They're almost as
smart as you too are.
Thousands of good men eaten,
and somehow you survived, huh!
Oh, you're not much
better sweetheart,
I mean seriously, who do
you think you're fooling?
What, did you just,
climb right off
the pole before
all this happened?
(Guy and Idaho laugh) -
[Virginia] What do you mean?
Oh, come on, usually
I'm answering questions
about dead strippers, not
questioning live ones.
Oh, and by the way,
how does it feel
to be the worst-dressed
woman on the planet?
(laughs) Okay, I'm kidding.
(pats Virginia's leg)
Actually, I'm glad you're here.
- Really?
- [Guy] Mhm.
(Frisco playing piano)
- This place has a
generator and tons of food.
Towels were damp
in the bathroom.
Somebody's been here recently.
By the way, did you see
the thread count on those?
- You're right,
someone has been here.
But we're here now.
Maybe we can finally
relax a little.
You know, I noticed
a hot tub outside.
It's got some jets, bubbles...
(Virginia screams, piano closes)
(running, gun cocking)
(Idaho and Virginia laughing)
- [Guy] And I said, slide,
and he falls over an Italian!
No one's gonna believe
you can beat this guy!
Alright, I said,
besides, name me
one successful
boxing movie, right?
(all laughing)
(running)
That's ol' Jean-Claude.
And he's always
doing the splits.
I mean it's really kinda
gross, you know what I mean?
We're doing rehearsal
one time, and I look over
and he's got his
leg up on the wall,
like some kind of ballet dancer.
(Virginia laughing) It's
un-American, isn't it?
(all laughing)
And then Chuck, right, he
thinks he's all this tough-guy.
But you know what? He's
afraid of the Bigfoot.
- [Idaho and Virginia] What?
- [Guy] I know!
Seriously, he
believes in this shit.
(Idaho and Virginia
laughing) So one night,
we decide we're gonna
play a joke on him.
So I walk up to him and I-
(running)
(Guy growling)
(shotgun blast)
(Guy grunting)
(Guy groaning) - What the hell?
- [Idaho] Dude, it's Guy Gibson!
- Who? (squishing, splattering)
- [Idaho and Virginia] We
are so, so sorry Mr. Gibson.
- [Frisco] Who the
hell is this guy?
What the fuck is he
wearing? (Guy coughs)
(splattering, coughing)
I would have liked to have
killed in my last performance...
(coughing, somber piano music)
Instead, I die! (sighs)
(crows calling)
(shovel hitting)
(birds chirping)
- You sure that your Grandbo
will bake me something?
- She will.
- Ash was the best.
(sniffling) I miss him so much.
(whispering)
- [West] He's a fairy.
- Well, I could've
told you that.
- Well how was I
supposed to know?
- I had no idea, I met him
just before I met you guys.
- [West] Whatever, it
just explains a lot.
I mean, I thought I
was losing my touch.
- Well, I can tell
you that you aren't.
(sets down glass) We should go.
Stayin' here ain't
gonna get any easier.
- You're right.
(no audible dialog)
(Hummer accelerating)
(yawning)
(truck dashboard beeps)
- Huh, fabulous.
Good luck I'm not a bettin' man.
Wake up, sleepyheads.
(truck doors closing)
Think I can turn 'em on inside.
- I need to find a bathroom.
(jiggling door
knobs) Of course not.
(sighs) Welcome to Oregon.
(ominous music)
(zombies groaning, growling)
(limb hitting ground)
(footsteps)
- Dude, you're not
gonna believe this.
- Strip club?
- Fuckin' aye.
- Shut the door, shut the door!
Get over here! (door closes)
(footsteps, zombies groaning)
(plastic packaging crinkling)
- [Idaho] They think
we're in the truck.
(zombies groaning)
Shit! Now they're in the truck.
(items hitting the pavement)
Shit, now they're throwing
our stuff on the ground.
(paddle hitting)
- [Frisco] I found
the controls before
you came in, but...
(door squeaking)
- [West] Check it
out, we got snacks.
(bags crinkling) Shit,
what do we do now?
There's a horde
of them out there.
I don't even have my blades!
What the fuck is
it with this place?
Gas station-strip clubs?
You're gonna have to shoot them.
- I don't-
- [West] You don't
have your gun?
What the fuck is wrong with-
- Hey, why don't you pull
some throwing stars
out of your ass?
We don't have time
to fight about this.
We have to do something.
- I have an idea.
(fumbling through CDs)
(microphone feedback,
zombies groaning)
Okay, here goes.
(dance music)
(soda tab popping)
(glugging)
Now, watch this.
(setting can down)
(offbeat beatboxing)
Hey zombies look here
We got nothing to fear
As long as I'm rappin'
We won't be crappin'?
(zombies growl)
(muffled rapping)
Uh, 'cause these
are words, and this is
(muffled rapping)
Ah, it was worth a try.
- [Frisco] They're
still too close.
The music may have
distracted them,
but getting past them
to fuel the truck,
that's a whole other ball game.
- Well, I could just
dance past them.
- [West] What? No! Even if that
does work, how the hell are
you going to gas up the truck
without them knowing what
you're doing?
- What choice do we have?
- Wait, you said
you can't dance.
They'll know.
- Trust me.
- [West] Hold on,
you are not doing this.
- Yes, I am.
- Well then, you're
not doing it alone.
Look, someone has to dance
while the other one pumps.
- Okay, it's like this.
You get down low.
Sway from side to side.
You feel the beat, kay?
There you go.
There you go, a little smoother.
Kay, feel the beat.
(zombies groaning)
Alright, a little smoother.
Kinda like this.
- Okay.
- [Virginia] Good, and you can
start by touching your body,
and running it
down, keep moving.
Keep moving.
- [West] Mhm.
- [Virginia] Good, good,
and show a little more neck.
Yeah, there you go.
- [Frisco] Those fuckin' Oregon
bitches, I fuckin' knew it.
- [Virginia]
Alright, keep moving.
Keep moving, from side to side.
- Uh-huh.
- Don't stop, great.
You got this.
- [West] Alright.
(jazz rock music)
- [Virginia] Okay.
I think we're ready.
- [Idaho] Wow, for what?
- [West] Idiot.
- Let's do this.
("Tattoo" by 13 Cent Bob)
(doorknob turning)
(footsteps)
(smacking)
(zombies growling)
- What are you waiting for!?
(door closes)
(gasoline spraying, splashing)
- Dude, what is she doing?
- You serious? C'mon...
(truck horn blares)
- Let's go!
(lighter flicks)
- Hold on!
(lighter clanks, flame ignites)
- Oh shit!
(zombie groans, splatters)
(Idaho yells in disgust)
- [West] Oh, nice!
- [Frisco] 82.
(wiping blood)
(flame igniting)
(zombies groaning)
(explosion)
- [West] Let's
see, that's 85....
86, 87, (sucks teeth) ooh, 88!
Ouch!
- [Idaho] That was
awesome, Virginia!
You saved us back there!
- [Frisco] My rainbow ass!
Anything else you wanna tell us?
- Okay, so I can dance.
- Liar, liar,
pants on fuckin' fire!
In a world full of
homicidal strippers and I'm
chauffeuring one
in the back seat.
- [Idaho] Wait a minute,
you're a stripper?
(Hummer accelerating)
So, anyway, what I
was saying before,
about strippers,
wasn't about you.
I mean, it was, but of
course you're different,
because you're not infected,
but- (Frisco snaps)
- Shut the fuck up.
(bell tolling)
(ominous music)
(truck doors closing)
- [Idaho] Stripper Alley.
Never will you find
a more wretched hive of sex and villany.
- [Frisco] We must be careful.
- [West] Sun's comin' up.
The roar of the
engine will be heard
from all over the city anyway.
Soon, they'll see us too.
- Should we wait?
- [Frisco] Nope.
They can see us,
we can see them.
(Hummer accelerating)
(truck dashboard beeps)
(truck dashboard beeps)
Fuck-a-doodle-dandy!
- I thought that only
happened in the movies.
(truck door opens)
(truck doors closing)
- [Frisco] Somethin'
bad happened here.
- We gotta keep movin'.
(truck doors closing)
- Hoe!
(fumbling, mumbling)
Here you go.
(unsheathing) - What am I
supposed to do with these?
- [Frisco] That's
all we have left.
- What are you
gonna do with that?
You need more weapons.
- I'm not leaving this.
- [Frisco] For you.
(Frisco laughing)
(gun cocking)
(crickets chirping,
dog barks in distance)
- Let's do this.
(footsteps)
(coyote howling in
distance, baby crying)
(glass breaking)
(heavy rock music)
(zombie growling)
(zombies growling,
Idaho screaming)
It's locked!
- [Frisco] C'mon, c'mon!
(footsteps)
(shotgun blasts)
(dinging)
You!
- You have got to be kidding me.
- A pole in a sandwich shop?
(zombie hissing)
(hitting, splattering)
Rule#11: Never eat at a
strip club. (typewriter ding)
- [Frisco] Shut
up, turd burglar.
We have to barricade
this door more.
Grab the chair!
(chair sliding)
(zombies groaning)
(body hits floor)
(unsheathing knives)
(slicing, splattering)
(heavy rock)
(door opens)
(zombie hissing)
(hitting, stick lands on floor)
- It's not working!
(hits zombie with briefcase)
(dinging)
(gun cocking)
(shotgun blasting)
- 88!
- 96.
We gotta go! (shotgun blasting)
(zombie growls)
(shotgun blast)
(Virginia shrieks, hits ground)
- [West] Come on!
(zombies growling)
(West shrieking, hits ground)
Keep going!
- [Frisco] Quit falling down!
(speech drowned out by music)
(Idaho hits ground) Let's go!
Careful!
- [Idaho] Okay.
(Frisco hits ground)
In there!
(cocks gun)
(places knife block)
- [Virginia] You wanna
sit here in a strip club,
are you serious?
- You have any better ideas?
At least, now we can
lock and bolt the door.
(heavy metal)
(zombies growling)
(shotgun blast)
(knives slicing,
shotgun blasting)
(shotgun blasting)
(knives slicing)
(shotgun blasting)
(knife block hitting)
(shotgun blast)
(reloading) - [West] We
can't hold 'em off here.
Get behind the counter!
(stabbing, zombie choking)
(slicing, splattering)
- We can't keep
this up much longer.
I'm out of ammo,
what do we do now?
- I dunno, we need a plan.
We need something; should
I start dancing again?
- Don't think that it'll help.
- [Idaho] This is it, guys.
- Everything is fucked!
- Everything is fucked.
- [Dad] Use it, use
it when everything's-
(cries out in pain) when
everything is fucked!
- [Idaho] Everything
is not fucked.
- [Virginia] What?
- [Idaho] The briefcase!
(slams briefcase on table)
(ethereal choir music)
(pops clasp)
- [Frisco] Is it a gun?
- A knife?
- No, it's better.
- What the hell?
Rule#1: Strippers dance
for tips, and tips alone.
(hip hop music)
(zombies growling)
- Why won't they leave?
- [Idaho] Rule #2: Strippers
are all about the cash.
(typewriter dings) They're
never gonna get tired.
- [Virginia] We're gonna
have to make a run for it,
Soon.
- [Frisco] We won't
get very far.
- [Idaho] C'mon, guys.
We have to try,
we've come this far.
Damn it, I mean it!
We have to make a run
for it while we can.
- He's right, we have to try.
- Okay, kid.
We're in this together.
- We go, on three.
- [Virginia] Wait!
Is it, we go one, two,
three, and then go,
or is it one, two, and
then we go on three?
- We go, on three.
Ready?
Alright, we go one...
Two...
Three!
- [Grandbo] Get down!
(orchestral brass music)
- It's Grandbo!
- [Grandbo] The kick-ass begins,
when I finish my fine cigar.
Done! (zombies growl)
(machine gun fire)
Forward!
(mob yelling)
(glass breaking)
- [Old lady] Dance
to this, you bitch!
(slicing, splattering)
- [Golf lady] That's not
a rack, this is a rack!
(hitting balls, splattering)
- [Old lady with
rolling pin] Batter up!
(rolling pin hits zombie)
- [Harriet] I've been
saving this for a rainy day!
(slicing)
(hitting zombie, laughing)
(zombie hissing) - [Man] One
little titty, two little titty,
three little titty...
(explosion)
(distant gunfire)
(voice from walkie talkie)
- Yes Trow, what do you got?
(gunshots, muffled
walkie talkie speech)
Oh, good! We'll be done
and mopped up in 10.
Oh, man, I taught you guys well!
Yeah, cool! (all three laughing)
- [Frisco] Uh, miss...
- Grandbo.
- How'd you know how to find us?
- [Grandbo] I knew my
girls would make it.
So I kept spotters
out there on the road.
We were a little
late because Harriet
was in the middle of bowling.
- [Harriet] Yeah,
my fault, sorry!
- Plus, half of these
geezers, well they can't even
hear the alarm, and
they have to get up.
and put on their
analgesic, and well,
there's also some protective
gear they have to bring.
Kinda private.
- [Idaho] But how
did you survive?
I heard there was no-
- [Grandbo] Since we
were by the coast, the
virus was slow to get here.
The cities, they
were just chaos!
All the young people, they
just packed up, and left.
Undisciplined, stupid.
But, I trained my whole
life as a sex weapon.
So, you know, I know
why we were losing.
It was their bodies,
their dancing.
Everybody was so distracted
they couldn't even
think straight.
- Dude, GILF.
- What?
- [Grandbo] So we
expanded our perimeter
to handle the whole town.
We're takin' them
out by the bunches.
- [Idaho] GILF!
- What the fuck is a GILF?
(punches arm) - [Idaho] Ow!
We're finished with
those skanks, sir.
We should be ready
to roll in 15.
- Good. The Earlybird Special
is on me tonight then!
(Grandbo and West laughing)
(waves crashing, bright music)
- [Idaho] If you would've
told me a month ago,
that strippers would be after
me, and that I would've been
running from them, and that
I'd travel across the country
with some kind of gay
super-cowboy, or roll with
a machete-wielding killing
machine, and I'd get the girl...
Well (chuckling) that couldn't
even happen in a movie.
(fork scraping, Frisco eating)
- Grandbo, mm, I love you.
- Aww, I'm so happy to
hear that, princess.
(oven dinging)
Now, you make sure
you try my pie.
- Fine, alright.
- [Grandbo] Now
remember, you kids
are safe here, we've
swept the area.
There is more than
enough food, power,
we've even reached some
people on the shortwave.
And soon, we're
going to rebuild.
- Great, great! Mm.
(dog barking)
- [Idaho] It's ironic, isn't it?
- [Virginia] What?
- [Idaho] I always wanted
a stripper as a girlfriend,
but I never met one,
not one that would
talk to me once the
money ran out at least.
- [Virginia] Well,
you're very lucky.
- [Idaho] I know, right?
I found the last
stripper on Earth,
the last uninfected
stripper on Earth,
and I didn't even know
she was a stripper.
- Yep.
- [Idaho] That makes me,
the luckiest man alive.
- [Virginia] Yeah, you
know, it's gonna cost you.
I don't come cheap.
- Oh, I think
I have something you
might be interested in.
General Washington.
(Virginia laughs)
("Stripperland"
by Western Aerial)
("Club Life" by Double D)
(sped-up laughter)
(film reeling)
(film reeling)
(growling)
(yelling, bat hitting)
- [Idaho] Three weeks ago,
this wouldn't have
made any sense.
(bat clings) But so much
has happened since then.
I suppose I should've expected
things to end this way.
(zombie growling) If we could
just back up a few minutes.
(zombie screeching)
I said, if we could just
back up a few minutes.
(reversing audio)
(cart rolling)
That's me.
About three minutes ago,
and about three weeks
after the shit really went down.
Life was simpler then.
I mean, look how cool I look.
And yes, I am talking to myself.
It helps my memory when I
recite the rules outloud.
You might say this
book is my bible.
It's told me everything
I need to know.
Like Rule #3:
Strippers never tell the truth.
(typewriter ding)
- I'm Porshe, and I really
like you. (club music)
You're different
from the others.
- I'm Ferrari, and I'd
like to give you something
special in the Champagne Room.
- I'm Mercedes, call me.
555-5555.
- Sweet.
(audio fast forwards) -
[Idaho] I mean, on the surface,
some of these rules don't
appear to be very helpful...
But, you have to read
between the lines.
(club music) Like Rule #2:
Strippers are not
prostitutes. (typewriter ding)
(sloshing) I can't tell
you how many people
have trouble understanding
that simple rule.
(door squeaking) It's
like this whole problem.
It sounded great on paper.
At first, it was like the
ultimate fantasy come true.
(cart wheels squeaking)
Rumors that the women
in our schools,
offices, and churches
were tearing their clothes
off and dressing like sluts.
The spectacle of the
thing just overwhelmed us.
The men, I mean. (muffled
background music)
(zombie growling) We
wanted so hard to believe
in something that we
blocked out reality.
Like Rule #6:
No matter how much
money you spend,
and no matter what they say...
(man screaming, zombie biting)
There is NO SEX in
the V.I.P. Room.
(multiple customers
screaming, club music)
(ripping) Everything
looks so sloppy.
There was no organization,
no resistance...
If we were to have
thought with our heads,
instead of our dicks,
this whole thing
could have been avoided.
Nobody could see what was
going on until it was too late.
They said it was mass
hysteria. (splattering)
I mean, did they think we
were imagining all this?
Getting naked was great!
(package crinkling)
But we didn't know our
moms, and sisters would be
turned into flesh-eating
fantasy sex monsters
that would treat us like food.
(footsteps) Did you hear that?
Rule #8: Strippers love heels.
It's like a dead giveaway.
It also makes them very slow.
(zombies growling)
(yelling)
(bags crinkling)
(heavy rock)
(bags slam against wall)
(Idaho screams)
(bottles clinging)
(zombie oofs) Rule #12:
Always bring your A Game.
(bat unsheathing) Strippers
get hit on constantly.
(yelling, bat hits) If you
try to hit on strippers,
and don't bring your A Game,
they will eat you alive.
(Idaho hits the ground)
Welcome, to Stripperland.
("Stripperland"
by Western Aerial)
(zombie screeching)
(police siren)
(zombie groans)
(zombies growling)
(police siren)
(zombie growling)
(zombie growling)
(party horn)
(bone cracking)
(zombies screeching, growling)
(Hummer pulling up)
(gun cocking)
- [Frisco] I didn't bring
any dollar bills, bitches.
I guess this dance is gonna
have to be on the house.
(shotgun blasts)
(Idaho grunting,
zombies growling)
- Hey! Help, a little help here.
(zombie groaning, gunshot)
(Idaho grunting)
Holy crap, you sure
showed up in time.
I thought I was a goner.
Thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
(running)
Hey! I think we should
probably get outta here.
I think there are more coming.
Did you hear me?
- Yeah.
- [Idaho] (running) Then...
What are you doing?
- Shoppin'.
(soft background
music) Can you bake?
I said, can you bake?
(smoke detector beeping)
- [Woman] Hey, what's burning?
- Kinda.
- Crap. (box hits the floor)
Crap. (other box hits)
Complete crap. (third box hits)
(hitting boxes) All these
premade mixes are complete shit.
Man I need something...
(hitting boxes)
From scratch.
None of this premade bullshit.
Everywhere I go, no eggs,
bad milk, and only flour.
Fuckin' doo.
(Idaho hits shelf)
(mumbling) Nobody can cook.
(continues mumbling)
(Hummer accelerates)
You look pathetic, get in.
(heavy metal)
(radio static)
- So, not from around here.
- Mm.
- Back east, down south?
- San Francisco.
- Oh, nice!
I was there once.
My parents took me, nice place.
Bridge, Alcatraz...
It's amazing anybody
ever escaped from there.
Sharks!
By the way, I'm-
- Look, I don't have any use
for any names...
In this mess you either
are are you aren't.
And chances are we
won't be for long.
- Okay, well, what should
we call each other?
- You're Idaho.
- Huh?
Oh, like that movie!
We call each other by
where we came from? Cool...
So you're San Fran, no, Frisco.
Yeah, Frisco...
But I need a different name.
- You're Idaho.
- Well, yeah, but
I'm not even from-
- Idaho!
(Hummer accelerating)
- [Idaho] You don't
talk much, do you?
- Nope.
- Would you like to
know more about me?
What else is there
to talk about?
(punching, splattering)
(Frisco sighs)
You wouldn't believe this but,
I lived with my dad and stepmom.
They left me pretty much alone.
(punk rock playing
through the computer)
(messenger beeps)
(typing, messenger beeping)
(clicking, typing)
(clicking, scoffing)
(clicking, zombie growling)
(messenger beeps)
(Dad yelling, glass
breaking in the background)
(clicking)
- This is Susie Borman,
coming to you live.
Women are returning in
various states of undress,
and seeking male victims.
Widespread reports from
malls and churches,
and office buildings
report that women
are inexplicably tearing
off their clothes,
and seeking screaming
acts of murder.
Officials are urging
citizens, men particularly,
stay indoors, and avoid all
women in a state of undress.
It may seem that they
have desire for sex,
but really they just want to
eat you. (messenger beeps)
I see terrible
things, stay indoors!
Oh, my God! (zombies groaning)
- [Idaho] This is all BS.
(typing)
Alright, it's porn
time. (clicking)
(typing, struggle escalates
in the background)
(clearing throat)
(clicking)
- [Actress] Oh,
man, it's so hot.
(opening popsicle wrapper)
(door knock) - Go away!
(door knocking, grunts)
Go away! I'm working.
(door knocking) Fuck, alright!
I'm coming to get you Barbara.
(opening door)
(Barbara grunts)
Uh, hey Barbara.
(Barbara growls)
I'm just gonna...
Go now... (slams door)
- Oh, God.
- Dad!
- Goddamnit.
- Dad, what happened?
We have to get
you to a hospital.
- (grunting) Ah,
c'mon, it's not so bad.
- Dad, what did she do to you?
- It's not her fault,
she's a good woman.
It's the virus, a
jerk of a virus.
It's taken over.
(Barbara growling)
Look, son, I know I haven't
been there for you always.
I haven't lead a great life.
I know I missed
your soccer games,
and school plays,
and you enjoyed
those school plays,
and that's why
I thought you were a fag,
but (grunting and mumbling).
Ah, major pain, major pain, oh.
(panting, Barbara growling)
I was trying to
make a good life.
A life for you and Barbara, me.
I got all those strip
clubs, put 'em together,
we almost went public,
it was for you!
And I had to get you a Beemer...
The other kids have video
games and try to keep up.
(coughing) Oh, God.
Damn it! (Barbara yelling)
Take this, jumpin' Jesus on
a pogo stick, that hurts.
(groaning) Oh, it hurts.
When everything's fucked,
open that and use it.
When everything is
fucked, ya got it?!
And remember, don't
you forget, I love you.
You remember, I-I love you.
I love you! (groans)
(door breaks open)
(choking)
Save yourself, son!
Go! (Barbara growling)
Run, save yourself!
Bitch!
(Barbara growling) Ah,
hey, what are you doing?
(Dad screaming in pain)
(biting sounds,
blood splattering)
- And I've been
running ever since.
- So what's in it?
- What?
- The briefcase.
- Oh...
I don't know.
I don't even have
the combination.
(Hummer accelerating)
So, thanks for picking
me up, back there.
I have this book...
Rule #9: Always fly with a
Wingman. (typewriter ding)
You help him, and
he will help you.
So, I'll be your Wingman.
We can be partners!
I never had a partner bef-
- Look!
We're not Wingmen, okay?
We're not even partners.
You're just some kid
I picked up, okay?
(sighing)
Idaho, I'm sorry.
- It's cool, I just thought
since we're survivors,
we'd have to stick together,
but I understand how-
- No, I'm sorry.
- Oh!
Oh, God.
Dude, the window won't go down.
- [Frisco] I locked it.
- [Idaho] Oh, what did you
eat, a skunk?
Oh, God.
Ugh, oh, God. (distant hip hop)
Jesus.
Jesus.
- Do you hear that?
- Wait, you hear that too?
Oh, here's something.
- (gasping) It's
like we connected!
(singsongy) We got
a mighty convoy,
trucking through
the night, yeah!
We got a mighty convoy,
ain't she a beautiful sight?
Convoy!
- Not the fucking song
in your fucking head, you idiot.
Which is off-key, by the way.
- [Idaho] You're off-key!
- That's one!
I'm talking about that.
("Club Life" by Double
D feat. Pale Soul)
- [Idaho] Holy shit.
(zombies groaning)
C'mon kid, I got
somethin' for ya.
(bat bumping into other
items) Club life
It's like I spend all
my time in the club, baby
Oh-oh
'til all my
money is gone, girl
Club life
Take good care of this.
I made my first kills with it.
(bat hits the ground)
Let's go check this
out. (cocks gun)
Ya'all needs to chill
or maybe take some pill
They don't know
That this rhyme here can kill
When it is all over someone
please just read the will
Double D, the WFC
Stash all cash
'cause all this shit is free
Bitch, get down
Get down on one knee
So here's an antiseptic
to confirm that it is me
They gots the numbers
but I gots the links
When this concert is all over
they'll be lightin' them pics
Like an addict, unh!
(shotgun blast)
(zombie hits ground)
Yo man, what the fuck?
What the fuck were
you thinkin', man?
- Sorry.
- That was one of
my hottest zimbies.
That bitch would've gotten
me paid, and laid, yeah.
Alright, well fuck the
dumb shit, she's gone now.
Club life
It's like I spend all
my time in the club, baby
Oh-oh
- Dude, dude!
(hitting Frisco's arm)
It's Double D!
Dub, the rapper!
C'mon, man, he's world-famous.
East coast
Is where I came
- [Frisco] Yeah?
Well I prefer good ol'
boys, like Waylon Jennings.
- I don't even know
what you just said.
It's why this O.G.
is in the hall of fame
- I'm gonna go meet him.
So put away your rodents
and that fucking dime
- Yo, like-a dis, brotha.
We will always climb
A platinum fuckin'
record now we in the
Club life
It's like I spend all
my time in the club, baby
Oh-oh
'til my money's gone, girl
Club life
Now I'm back on the grind
- Yeah.
Because it's make money money
Take money money
So I can spend some on you
You can't hide
You can't hide that fear
- What's going on here?
- [Bouncer] Bitches love the D.
- Double D.
- [Bouncer] As long
as the D is a-rappin',
the bitches are a-flappin'.
And lemme take the lead
bust some Remy Martin
- They're flapping.
- Uck.
- Better crowds then they got.
- Do you mind,
can I talk to him?
I'm a big fan!
- Oh, yeah?
You and 50 million other
people, baby. (chuckles)
- [Idaho] Okay.
- [Double D] Hey, if you wanna
get some of these chicks,
you might want to invest
in some new clothes, cuz.
Numsayin?
- No.
- Dumbasses.
Don't you cry
As I say bye-bye
I'll call you in the morning
Now you know that that's a lie
There's no other
Not a single other guy
That you would let just walk
And never ask him why
Fairly well
Because you know
that I am gone
Remember me the King
Yo yo yo, not Kong
I was right
and you was wrong
- Let's go, kid.
At least that when I jet
You will always have this song
(Hummer door shuts) Club life
It's like I spend all
my time in the club, baby
Oh-oh
- Rule #8: Strippers love hip
hop music. (typewriter dings)
Now I'm back on the grind
(engine starts)
- Hasta la Winnebago, bitches.
(Hummer accelerating)
(zombies growling)
- [Idaho] I still don't
understand why we couldn't stay.
- [Frisco] Goin' somewhere is
better than goin' nowhere kid.
(Hummer accelerating)
(crickets chirping)
- [Idaho] So, are you sure
you know where you're going?
- Fuck you.
- What, I just asked.
- And I said, fuck you.
Sometimes when you insult
people they say "Fuck you."
- No, I was just wondering
if you had a plan-
- Oh, you had a thought,
well imagine that.
But your thought implies that
I don't know what the fuck
I'm doing, and instead
of just pulling over
to the side of the road to
read a map or something,
I'll just drive us out here
in the middle of the night
without a fuckin'
idea where I'm going.
Well thanks for joining
the party, fuckwad.
(crickets chirping)
(door opening) -
What is this place?
- Shh.
(door closes)
- Is this where you were headed?
Is this the plan?
(paper and leaves crunching)
- Balls, get your balls here.
(zombies groaning) Tube
steak, we got your tube steak.
(zombies growling)
(cocking gun, shotgun blast)
(shotgun blast)
- Yeah, that was awesome!
Yeah!!
- C'mon, let's eat.
(door closes)
(footsteps)
(ominous music)
Maybe some fresh orange juice?
Fluffy, flaky croissant?
Yeah...
fluffy, flaky, croissant.
(cocks gun)
(footsteps)
(zombie growling)
Take that!
(items clanging, clattering)
Where you at?
There you are.
C'mere! (shotgun blast)
Oh, you want some?
You didn't want any of
this. (shotgun blast)
You don't want any of
this. (shotgun blast)
- [Idaho] God, this
is a huge chainsaw.
- [Frisco] Idaho, come
in here and help me.
I'm gonna cook something.
- Kay, I'm coming!
(slaps doorway)
(crickets chirping)
Ugh, that was amazing.
God, I haven't eaten
like that since-
- It was okay.
I was hopin' for
somethin' a little better.
- [Idaho] Okay, so,
elephant in the room.
Where are we going?
I don't really care, it just
seems like you have a plan.
I don't really care
what the plan is.
I'll go anywhere, I'm with you.
I mean, I'll go with you.
I was just wondering.
(fire crackling)
- [Frisco] They say the
shortest way to a man's heart
is through his stomach.
Ash just proved that was true.
(sniffing)
So to answer your
question, cake.
- Huh?
You asked me where I was goin'?
(as Idaho) What's the plan?
That's the plan.
(faint whispering)
- Really, cake?
Or brownies.
Fuck, I'd even settle for
a cupcake at this point.
What about fruit
pies, or Twinkies?
- What?
- Twinkies.
- Well we wouldn't have
to go very fucking far
to find a Twinkie now, would we?
Every corner mart's got
Twinkies all over the place.
It's not like they ever go bad.
No, son, I'm talkin' about
fresh, baked sunshine.
My whole life was a warm,
toasty, cinnamon, melty cream.
A crispy, satin-y,
crumble butter flake.
A mint, moist,
chocolate vanilla dream.
A butterscotch-coated,
honey-frosted, whipped love cake.
I hate these cannibal bitches.
(stairs creaking) And I
always knew I would learn,
if Ash could be
here to teach me.
- But you asked me if
I knew how to bake.
- [Frisco] You
know, sometimes...
In my sleep, I can
smell the cookies.
I wake up, and it
just disappears.
I could be driving and
I swear I could smell
fresh, baked apple
pie in the distance.
(sighing) Sometimes it's
the only thing that-
- What?
What?
- Nothin'.
Why don't you just
go to a bakery?
- Fuck you.
- What?
That seems like the
logical thing to do.
You want a cupcake?
Go to a bakery.
- Oh, why didn't
I think of that?
Oh, I know, because I'm
not some stupid fuckin' kid
who thinks every idea
that pops into his head,
he's the first person
who's ever had that idea.
- Hurtful...
Words hurt.
(engine stalling)
(running)
(zombie growling)
(woman screaming)
(gun cocking, shotgun blast)
(shotgun blast) - Do you know
what the fuck's going on here?
This is no Sunday school
picnic. (cocks gun)
- No!
- [Idaho] Wait, they don't
look like strippers!
- No!
- [Frisco] Are you a stripper?
- [Virginia] No, I could
never be a stripper.
Besides, I can't dance for shit.
- [Frisco] Maybe I should
kill you just to be sure!
- Dude, she said
she can't dance.
That means she's not a stripper.
- [Frisco] So they say, but
they did try to steal my truck.
- Listen cowboy, relax.
- How do I know they're
not gonna turn into
one of those things?
- [West] We're okay,
we're not infected!
We're sorry, we didn't
know we could trust you.
- [Frisco] Oh, so I can
trust you bitches now?
Last time I saw a woman like you
she was eating a man's brain.
- That shouldn't
have taken long.
- [Idaho] Oh, snap.
- [West] Look, we're not
cannibal strippers, cocksucker.
We broke down and we're
trying to get outta here.
- We're lost, and we
just wanna get home.
- Yeah, where's that?
- Oregon, Portland
near the coast.
- Oregon? Nobody's
trying to get to Oregon.
Everyone's trying to
get out of Oregon.
- Ore-"gone," really?
- You of all people
should know, stripper boy,
you gotta go through
Portland to get to the coast.
And Portland had more
strippers per capita
than any other city
in the United States.
It was full of strippers
before the outbreak.
- Well maybe it's not anymore.
- No it's worse.
Everything's a strip club now.
They got this place
called Stripper Alley.
It's Ground fuckin' Zero.
- Please, we just
wanna get home.
- [Frisco] No, I'm not
goin', no matter what.
It's like trying to go bear
hunting with a leatherman.
- (crying) Please!
- We're trying to get
there to see our Grandbo.
- So wait, your what?
- [West] Our grandma,
we call her Grandbo.
- What kinda name is that?
- [West] Fuck these losers,
we'll find another way.
- N-n-n-no, it's just kind
of a weird name, is all.
- It'll be a lot
stranger when she puts
her size 10 shoe up her ass.
- Whoa, I didn't mean
anything by it, I-
- Stupid and nave.
Your Gumby's probably
infected and'll stick
her wrinkled clam in your
face if you get too close.
- Grandbo.
- [Frisco] Gumby, Gumbo,
whatever, is she some
kind of ancient army bag.
- [West] Yes she is, and she's
a lot of other things, too.
- Yeah, a bowler, a lodge
president, a champion baker...
- [West] And our grandmother,
so we're going to
go see her one way or another.
- [Frisco] Wait, what?
- [West] Fuck off.
- No, look, I'm sorry, this
whole thing has just gotten me-
Did you say champion baker?
- [Virginia] Yeah, she's
the best in the west.
Ten times in 20 years.
- She bakes.
- [West] She also
kicks ass at Scrabble.
Fuck you.
- [Virginia] Why
does that matter?
- [Idaho] He has a
thing for baked goods.
I dunno.
Dude, let's help them.
Dude, why are you
being so difficult.
They're uninfected girls.
Uninfected girls!
Don't fuck this up for me, man.
Okay, just think of
those hot, moist cookies
coming out of the oven.
If their Gumby is
a champion baker-
- [Virginia] If
you get us there,
I'll make sure you get so much-
- What?
- Well, more, cookies,
pies, and cakes
than you can even imagine.
- [Frisco] I don't know,
I can imagine a lot.
- [Virginia] Well,
if you get us there
in one piece, you get it all.
- I better.
- You will.
(rock music)
(engine starts)
(Hummer accelerates)
- [Idaho] So...
So what have you two
been doing to survive?
- Whatever we can.
- Oh, good God.
- So, what are your names?
- Well he's Frisco.
We have this thing
where we're named
after the state
where we come from.
- What state is Frisco,
shouldn't he be Cali?
- And I'm Idaho.
- Potatoes, new turf.
- Oh, I'm not really from...
So, where are you from?
- [West] Virginia, we're
both from Virginia.
- So much for your name game.
- She's Virginia and
then you're West.
- What?
- [Frisco] Shut up, West.
(Hummer passing)
- Soo, this is
pretty weird, huh?
It's like a Greek
tragedy, you know?
I mean, think about it.
A world full of strippers.
That's like every man's fantasy:
a bunch of hot
chicks in lingerie.
I mean, I've talked
to a lot of guys
who would've thought
this was perfect.
But instead of having
sex, they want to eat us.
It's like, a "be careful
what you wish for" thing,
like a myth or a fable.
It's a perversion of our
perversions, you know?
I mean, men see
women in a certain-
(heavy rock)
(blade swipes, Idaho gargling)
...perversion of our
perversions, you know?
I mean men see woman
in a certain way (Hummer accelerating).
I guess I'm kind of like,
a lesbian, because we both
like the same kinds of things,
or maybe I'm kind of like-
- [Virginia] We should
go to that mall.
- [Frisco] Why would
anyone wanna go
to a mall at a time like this?
Those things love the mall.
The mall's the worst
place you can go.
- [West] It would
be hard to secure,
but there might be
some advantages to it.
It's also a target;
those things love
Hot Topic and Victoria's Secret.
- I was just thinking
we could get some stuff,
like clothes, or-
- It's too dangerous.
- (groaning) Well, maybe we
could get something to eat.
You know, if they
have a food court,
maybe we could
get some, I dunno,
elephant ears, or something.
We've been driving all night.
(techno music)
(zombies groaning)
- [West] I think it'd be
safer to go around back.
- Agreed. I prefer rear entry.
It looks locked.
Even if this was a good idea,
and I don't think it
is, we can't get in.
- [West] I can
get us in, cowboy.
(door closing)
- [Idaho] (whistles
once) Sweet ride.
It needs a wash though.
(lock picking)
(alarm blares once)
- Something I
picked up in Israel.
- [Frisco] Well,
you're smarter than
ya look, aren't ya, cookie?
- Why thank you!
And I'm not your
cookie fucktard.
(gun cocking)
(door shuts)
(zombies groaning, footsteps)
(running)
Sure you can handle
that, cupcake?
- Yeah, I think I'll be alright.
It's Rule#12: Always
bring your A Game,
because strippers get
hit on constantly.
And you're not even
listening to me.
(footsteps)
(soft background music)
(footsteps)
- [Frisco] This place is
huge, I'm gonna check it out.
- We should stay together.
- They need to stay here,
and you need to stay with them.
(footsteps, zombies groaning)
(soft background music)
- [Idaho] So, why did you guys
try to steal Frisco's truck?
- [West] Because I don't
know how to hotwire a car.
- [Virginia] We tried,
but they make it
look so easy in the video games.
- [Idaho] Yeah, Grand Theft
Auto, all you have to do
is (mumbling, West coughs).
So, anyway what I was
saying earlier, in the car,
I'm not trying to
be a macho jerk,
it really is like
a Greek tragedy.
The Bocki were these women,
who would tear men apart.
They would get all horny-
- Why can't you be more like
your friend, he takes care of
business and shuts his yap.
- [Virginia] Why do you
call them strippers?
They're not strippers,
they're monsters.
(zombies groaning)
- [Idaho] They are
compelled to dance
provocatively and
dress in lingerie.
I mean, the virus hits and they
start looking for
thongs and heels.
I mean, it makes sense but
I'm not sure who started it.
- Shitballs like you
started the name.
But I heard the military
started the problem.
See, they were
experimenting with
some behavior-altering
chemicals.
They just thought they could
dump it and it would go away.
- [Soldier] Oh, crap!
(liquid pouring out)
- [West] But something happened.
Soaked into the water
supply. (burning)
- Huh, that's not
what I heard at all.
I heard (sneezing) it
started in a strip club.
Yeah, it was a mutation
of Mad Cow's Disease,
caused by a mixture of
germs and chemicals.
(dubstep music) Rule #11:
Never eat at a strip club.
(crunching, typewriter dings)
- What's with the rules?
- Well, I,
- Rule #55: You're an idiot.
(typewriter ding) - [Virginia]
I don't think anyone knows
how it actually
started, but i think
it was spread through the money.
Paper money isn't actually
paper, it's partly cotton,
and there's a lot of
germs in it- (tapping)
What do we do? Where's
it coming from?
- I'm ready.
(unsheathing machete)
- One, that's no stripper,
unless she has three legs.
(microphone feedback)
- [Intercom voice] Food, army, money?
No.
When there's no
room on the pole,
the strippers will
walk the earth.
- [West] What? Who are you?
(tapping)
- I came from Indianapolis.
I lost 100 that first
night. (tapping)
In the morning we
formed tight groups.
Then we'd hit at them, sometimes
the stripper'd go away.
And sometimes she wouldn't.
You know, the thing about
a stripper is she's got
painted eyes, black
eyes, like a doll's eye.
And when they come at you,
they don't seem to be living.
Then they rip you to pieces.
- Who's the pimp?
(Maestro laughing)
(electronic music)
- Mmm.
(footsteps, zombies groaning)
- [Frisco] But why a
mall, of all places?
- [Maestro] Well I used to
troll these malls for bitches,
and then I'd turn 'em out.
- [West] I never
would've thought of that.
- [Maestro] Well, that's
why you're not in the game.
I've been here over a
week, and all the doors
are locked, and
it's perfectly safe.
In fact, how did you
guys get in here?
(footsteps, zombies groaning)
(alarm blares once)
- [Maestro] My daddy was a
pimp, my grandpappy was a pimp.
I'm from a long line of
pimps, but I'm the best,
because I play the
bitches like a symphony.
That's why they call me Maestro.
Shit, you think
this is a costume?
This is a way of life.
- [Idaho] Cool...
- [Maestro] But today, shit.
All the bitches in the world
shake their ass for free.
And these bitches will kill you.
Now, how's a
motherfucker not supposed
to get motherfuckin' cheese
when the pussy be attackin.'
So I've just been layin' here,
L7 til the shit blows over.
I figure that pussy'd
be worth more anyway.
- Look what I found.
- [Idaho] Oh my God, I'm gonna
eat the shit out of this.
(footsteps, zombies groaning)
(electronic music)
- [Maestro] And I said, why
go to an amusement park?
That's like the
stupidest idea ever.
(soft background music) I
mean, strippers are attracted
to lights and blinky
shit like that, you know?
It's like, they're
reminded of who they were,
who they always wanted to be.
I think that's why
they're attracted
to the poles on the
carousels so much.
- We were wondering if you
wanted to come with us.
- Oh, I don't think so,
I'm a pimp, I'm a bad man.
- [Idaho] No you're not.
- [Maestro] Yes, I am.
I'd turn these
bitches out in a day.
Well, you might take
a little longer.
But you, yeah, I could
turn you out in a day.
- [Virginia]
(laughing) Please...
- Eh, no, no, that's
okay, I like you.
- [Frisco] Take care, man.
- [Maestro] Stay fit, bitches.
- [West] Take it easy.
(tapping)
- Thanks for comin' bitches!
(zombies groaning)
(Maestro screams)
- Guys...
Guys?
(running)
(footsteps)
(zombies feeding, splattering)
(gun cocking)
(frantic rock music)
- We gotta go, there's no
way to secure this position.
(running)
(zombies growling)
No! They'll hear us.
More will come.
Watch this.
(unsheathing machete)
(door closing)
(zombies growling)
(kicking)
(slicing)
(kicking)
(stabbing, sloshing)
- Look out!
(slamming against Hummer)
(stabbing)
(grunting)
- What are you waiting for?
(splattering)
(Hummer accelerates)
- God, you were so Sigourney
Weaver in Aliens III.
It was awesome!
I don't know many girls
that can fight like that.
- [West] Grandbo
taught us how to fight.
Well, she taught
me how to fight.
Virginia never paid attention.
(Virginia humming)
After that, I went
into the military.
- Which one? Which branch?
- (whispering)
That's classified.
(clicks tongue)
- You know Frisco
here's trained too.
He's like a cage fighter.
- No, I'm a
self-taught ass-kicker.
I just hate fucking strippers.
When you're motivated it's easy.
Hey, Ash, look what I
got! (people screaming)
(zombies growling)
(in slow motion) Nooo!
I made it this far because
I don't care anymore.
Ash meant everything to me.
(braking hard, Virginia screams)
- [Idaho] This is it, guys.
Once we cross this line
there's no turning back.
We could die here tonight
and no one would ever know.
What would the ancient
Confucius sages
write about us if they could?
Be this the last line-
- Shut the fuck up!
You are so fucking obnoxious.
(as Idaho) I don't know
how to stop talking.
I-what?
(Hummer accelerates)
- It's beautiful.
- I think so too,
I love the trees,
and the green, and the
fresh air, I love it here!
- It's incredible.
- You know, I don't know many
men that like such things.
- Are you kidding?
It's a paradise.
(soft orchestral music)
(kissing, moaning)
There are strip
clubs everywhere!
Ah, I should've move
to Oregon sooner.
(kicking, Idaho screams)
(Hummer accelerates)
- Mm, (yawning)
oh, where are we?
- Still a ways away.
- Look, I know you guys
both think I'm a retard.
And I'm sorry if
it seems like I am.
You know, all about
the strippers...
It's just, I don't know how
to deal with regular girls.
- No shit.
- But I'm not trying
to be a creep.
I just don't know...
It's hard to talk
to regular girls.
It's hard for me, at least.
With strippers, there was
a uniform, a protocol.
They act a certain way.
- Are you serious?
(scoffs)
- They act that way
for your money, kid.
- [Idaho] Okay, but at
least I know what they want.
I mean, maybe someone like
you knows what women want,
but how am I supposed to tell?
- [Viriginia] Okay,
this is fucked up.
You group all
strippers together,
and then you group
all women together.
You're treating both
groups like objects.
- No, I-I wasn't...
- And since strippers are
women too, you're
double-objecting them.
Strippers take off their
clothes for money, so what?
You know, it takes
two to make that work.
Some guy sits there, and
pays them to do that.
He's paying her to pretend
to be interested in him.
Do you know how hard that is?
Imagine pretending not to
throw up, when an old guy
sits there, who smells
like piss and tobacco,
and tells you he reminds
you of his granddaughter.
Or what about the
greasy managers?
Who angle you for sex, so you
can get a better-paying shift.
Or, imagine trying to be
polite, to creepy guys
who think you're in
a relationship now,
just because they
saw your snatch-
- Chill out!
(Virginia sighs)
It is what it is,
but it isn't what
you think it is,
that's for sure.
- Uh, wow.
I had no idea.
- So Virginia, how
is it that you know
the grind a stripper
goes through?
(radio crackling)
- [Man on radio] Calling
anyone on this frequency.
If you can hear me,
please listen carefully.
We can give you safety,
there is fresh food,
a warm bed, and hot showers.
- Oh, my God!
Did you hear that?
Hot showers!
(radio crackling)
- [Man on radio] Calling
anyone on this frequency.
- (hitting door) It's on repeat.
It could be old, it
sounds like a weak signal.
- Well it must be close,
let's check it out.
- [Man on radio] Calling
anyone on this frequency.
If you can hear me,
please listen carefully.
We can give you safety,
there is fresh food,
a warm bed, and hot showers.
Calling anyone on
this frequency.
(Hummer comes to a stop)
If you can hear me,
please listen carefully.
(truck doors close,
neon sign buzzing)
- Fuckin' casino.
Let's go.
- We need to rest,
and you know it.
(zombies growling)
- Company!
(heavy rock)
- [Frisco] Step
right up, bitches.
Step up to Sniffer's Row.
(starts chainsaw) I got
your pole right here.
(laughing maniacally)
(slicing, squishing)
Hittin' stripper bitches!
(splattering) Heads up!
(slow motion growling)
(speech drowned out by music)
(limbs hitting the ground)
(splattering)
Take that, bitches!
Hey, can you do the split?
(zombie screaming, Idaho vomits)
(limbs hitting the ground)
(slow motion screaming)
(slow motion maniacal laughter)
(slow motion screaming)
(maniacal laughter)
Have at it, if you like.
I'm only good at a few things,
and zombie-killing
is one of them.
(footsteps)
(arcade sounds)
(monitors buzzing)
- [Logan] What's this?
Guests?
I don't remember
inviting any guests.
Perhaps Mother did.
That's right, finger my
money, you young pup.
(mysterious flute
music) Nice girlies.
Two women.
Oh, goodie, guests. (chuckles)
- Well, I think we're safe here.
(thunder crashes)
- Hello darkness, old friend.
We, who were born in
the crossfire hurricane,
and are hungry like
the wolves down
due long in the midnight sea...
They shall destroy the night.
The night shall divide
the day, and vengeance
from the grave shall kill
those that once were saved.
Exit, light, enter...
Night, I am he, as you
are he, and we together
shall stand up to be
counted for what we
are about to receive
and we shall climb.
Climb! Climb the stairway,
to kiss the sky!
Purple haze, purple
haze, purple haze!
(woman screaming) - [Idaho]
Did they hump the girl?
- Huh?
- Did they hump her?
- [Frisco] What? I don't
know, that's not even...
Look, the book is the
important part of the story.
- [West] I don't believe that
at all, what a load of crap.
- [Virginia] Me neither.
- [West] Sexernomicon...
I would have expected
that from him.
- [Frisco] Ah, whatever.
It's better than military
chemicals, bad food,
or strippers without
enough poles.
Alright, let's deal.
(mysterious music,
monitors buzzing)
- [Logan] Why
don't you boys run,
and fetch them here.
- [Lackey] Yes, sir.
(gasping)
- (cringing) See you got
two kings, that's no good.
See, if we were in England,
under English rules,
that'd be awesome
but this is Amurica.
We got no kings, that fold.
Ooh, two aces? Ooh, no bueno.
Sorry boys. (arcade sounds)
(ahhing)
- [Virginia] It seems
strange you guys
have never played Poker before.
- Well, I never saw
the point, until now.
- Well, this is kinda boring.
- [West] Why don't
we do something else?
I never saw anyone that
could use a chainsaw so well.
- Thank you.
- So, you ever counted?
- Counted what?
- Kills.
- Yeah, actually I have.
- Well?
Eighty fucking one of those
things, eighty fucking one.
- Fuck you.
- 84.
(scoffing)
- [Virginia] So why
do you keep that book?
I mean, I see you checking
it every now and then,
and I just thought you were
trying to avoid strippers.
- Only the infected
ones. (chuckles)
Well, since the thing happened
it's been a great resource.
I don't keep it to pick them up.
It's more like, a set
of behaviors, you know?
A bunch of rules to live by.
- Sure, if every
woman was the same.
- [Idaho] I'm not
saying that, but,
when the virus hits,
they behave very similar.
I mean, Frisco saved my
ass, but before that,
it was by the book.
Guess it's a know-your-enemy
type of thing.
- Then you're gonna like what
the doctor has to show you.
Let's go.
You, too, bitch, I
ain't got all damn day.
- So...
I hear you have a
thing for baked goods.
How do you like my muffins?
- Oh, I dunno, I
haven't tried them yet.
- Do you want to?
- Are they as good
as your grandma's?
- [Lackey] Okay
lovebirds, break it up!
- [Frisco] You better
watch where you point
that thing, or I
will take you down!
- [Lackey] Shut the hell
up, and let's get goin'.
(Logan sipping from cup)
- [Logan] Mm, oh my.
(chain clanging) Uh!
Lovely, lovely, lovely.
(door opening) Welcome!
Welcome to my humble abode!
I'm terribly sorry
about the mess.
Had I known you were coming,
I would have picked up.
(fly buzzing, Logan mumbles)
You must be thirsty?
What do you drink?
- [Virginia] What the
hell is going on here?
You have no right-
- [Logan] (imitates buzzer)
Wrong!
I'm terribly sorry,
but that's incorrect.
You see, I have every
right in the world.
Around these parts, when folks
come into a man's casino,
eat his food, play
with his money,
kill his girlies,
that gives him rights.
Are you sure that I
can't get you a drink?
- [West] Who the
hell are you, mister?
- Doctor, I'm a doctor.
Doctor Logan, at your cervix!
Ha! I never get
tired of that joke.
- [Idaho] Wait a minute, Logan?
I know you, you're that
nutjob casino owner
that killed those
hookers a few years back.
- The very same!
How kind of you to remember.
And to think, they put me in
jail for a few, tiny murders.
Took away my casino, separated
me from my dear mother.
But, what's that you
always say, Mother?
Life throws you a
lemon, and you make...
What, what is it?
Speak up, Mother,
I can't hear you.
Life throws you a lemon
and you make what?!
- Lemon meringue pie?
- No matter.
My point is, my
unfortunate incarceration
was all for the best.
In prison, I had a vision,
and I dedicated myself
to the science of retrowifery.
- [West] Did he really
just say "retrowifery?"
- [Logan] And then
the great outbreak
led me to my destiny.
Escaping from my
bonds, I returned here, back to my casino,
and my dear Mama,
and dedicated myself
to the study of this
mysterious virus.
All I needed were women
like you, uninfected women.
But I couldn't
find them anywhere.
But Mother said, be patient,
sonny, didn't you, Mother?
And of course, she
was right, as always.
And voila! Here you
are, uninfected!
Thank Heavens I
have you, Mother,
to lend me a helping hand.
- [Virginia] Wait a
minute, wait a minute.
This is all fascinating,
but I don't understand
what it has to do
with my sister and me.
- Sisters?
The two of you are sisters?
Oh, Mommy, this will be fun.
- [West] Listen,
you crazy dirtbag.
I'm gonna give you one chance.
I demand-
- [Logan] Oh, you're in
a position to demand nothing!
And once these gentlemen hear
about my work with the virus,
they'll be on my side.
- [Frisco] What are you
babbling about?
- [Idaho] Are you looking
for a cure?
- A cure?
No, a brave new world!
Imagine, retrowifery.
Turning back the clock in time,
when our women were
ladies in the parlor,
and, cover your ears, Mother...
Whores in the bedroom, heh?
Imagine...
Retrowifery, cooking
for us, cleaning for us,
ironing our shirts just
the way we like them.
Not too much starch...
A cure, why would I
want to find a cure?
Don't you see, we've been
given a second chance...
(laughing) To reshape the
world so that the women,
dance to our tune...
Instead of us dancing to theirs.
- You're nuts!
- Ha! Nuts am I?
Do you call this, nuts?! Huh?!
This is Day! (zombie growling)
I taught her how to
paint my fingernails.
Okay, it's not the neatest
job, and she did bite me.
My point is, if I could
teach her to do my manicure,
then cooking me a nice,
juicy steak be far behind?
Ah! Rearranging my
closets, helping me find
the matches for my hosiery!
Gentlemen, imagine,
coming home, and finding
your woman ready for
you, down on all fours,
scrubbing the kitchen floor.
Is there anything...
more intoxicating than that?
Imagine quiet dinners for
two, linen tablecloths,
Mother's gold-ridden
china, your wife,
gazes adoringly at you as
she silently strokes...
your thigh.
And you tell her
about your long, hard,
day at the casino,
and then while she...
tidies up the dishes,
you go soak in a nice, hot tub.
She comes in, and washes you
with the antiseptic soap,
and then she brings
you into her bed,
with its
freshly-bleached sheets.
While the sweet scent of
her perfume, mixed with
the magnificent aroma
of cleaning products,
drives you mad with desire.
Imagine this, gentlemen,
every night, 365 days a year.
Doing the naughty with a women
who never has a headache,
never makes you beg for
it, never laughs at you,
never rejects you,
never makes you
choose between her and Mother?!
- [West] Wait a minute,
you're planning to infect us
so we can starch your shirts?
- [Logan] Surely you gentlemen
see the genius of my brave,
new world. (squeezing syringe)
These girls of yours
will become infected.
All girls do, one way
or another. (laughing)
Don't you see? Don't
you understand?
Instead of killing us, they'll
become our slaves, huh?
And I'll teach them what
it is to serve a man,
from banging us
to baking for us.
- [Frisco] Did you
just say baking?
Because baking is
a special skill.
It takes years to
master, you want
these bitches to do it?
(sighing) You really are insane.
- [Logan] You're ranting
about baking and I'm insane?
Get rid of them.
I want to study these
specimens more closely.
(squeezing syringe, door closes)
Heh, bodies like strippers.
(chuckling) Are you sure
you're not infected already?
(zombie growls, chain clanging)
(Logan laughs)
And you, my dear, you...
truly are...
(in a whisper) delicious.
(zombie gasping frantically)
You know, I don't
have to infect you.
If you could...
See your way to
embrace retrowifery,
(squeezes syringe) without
my special treatment.
I so, so want to kiss you.
But you are just too
disgusting! (spits)
(syringe shatters, zombie gasps)
(zombie growls, gun clicks)
Stay where you are, both of you!
That's an order.
- Yes, sir.
(zombie growling) Fuck you, sir.
(kicks gun, grunts)
(Logan cries out,
zombie feeding)
(screaming in pain)
- [Logan] Ow, Mommy, a boo-boo!
You feminists! Time to die!
(buzzer blaring,
chains clanging)
Kill, my pets, kill them!
No, no!
(Logan screaming)
(zombies growling)
- [West] Guess you
haven't finished
their training yet.
(door kicks open)
You're okay!
- Of course.
Two things I hate most.
Strippers, and redneck
goons, dumb and slow.
- [Idaho] Are you okay?
- We're fine, but I think
he's had better days.
(limbs ripping)
- [Logan] Ladies! Don't
forget your table manners.
(screaming in pain,
zombies growling)
- Sorry, I'm late,
boss, I picked up meat and it was rancid.
Oh, I see I caught you at a
bad time, I'm gonna go now.
(zombies feeding, door closes)
(Hummer accelerates)
- [West] So, since you're
avoiding the subject,
do you think there's
a chance for us?
Don't give me that
strong, silent shit.
Do I think there's
a chance for what?
Did I think there was a
chance that some virus
would come along,
and turn every woman
into some freaky
exhibitionist ghoul?
Did I think there was a chance
I'd be driving the last two
supposedly non-stripper
chicks into the center
of this whole
fucking apocolypse?
Can't say I've been very good
at predicting the future.
Don't ask me about chances,
I'm not much of a bettin' man.
- [West] No, you're terrible,
don't ever play Poker again.
Not that I'm complaining,
but, you suck! (laughing)
- You see that?
- Yeah.
- [West] Looks like a
big house, or something.
- [Frisco] (scoffs) Tacky.
- [West] Listen, if we're
about to go into the middle
of some stripper storm, I would
like to be well-rested and fed.
Just once, I would
like to relax a bit.
(downbeat rock
music, door opens)
(keypad beeping)
(gate opening)
- (patting Idaho)
Wake up, sleepyheads.
(door closes)
(driving over gravel)
(truck doors closing)
- [Virginia] Oh, my, God.
- [Idaho] Holy shit!
I don't believe it!
It's his house!
- Who's house?
- [Idaho] Guy Gibson!
You know, the tough guy
from TV that sells the barbeque?
You know, "knock
this from my hand!"
- Who?
- [Idaho] Oh, come on.
Dude, where have you been?
He's like the biggest star ever.
We're gonna search the
house; you two stay here.
- Heh, he was so good
in so many things!
- Hunters from Space!
- Super American Army Eagle?
- He was the guy who like, came
through the smoke,
waving the flag.
- Detective Grindstone!
- [Virginia] I have
the whole series.
(as Guy Gibson) It's not
how many punks ya kill,
it's how many ya scare straight.
(briefcase hitting floor)
(crickets chirping, owl hooting)
(mumbling)
(footsteps)
(clock ticking)
(setting down gun)
- [Frisco] Ooh.
- [Virginia] My mom used
to think he was so hot.
I can't believe this
is really his place!
- What about the Mob Boss?
(as Guy Gibson)
You do me wrong...
Why would you wanna do me wrong?
- Classic.
- So good.
(growling)
(footsteps, clock ticking)
(clock strikes
midnight, gun cocking)
- [Virginia] Or how
about Moon Smashers,
where they're doing the lunar
chasing without helmets.
(ice clinging,
Virginia laughing)
Or how 'bout-
- [Guy] What the fuck
are you assholes
doing in my house?
Allow me to reiterate, my house.
(singsongy) Assholes,
what the fuck?
- [Idaho] Mr. Gibson!
- The one and only!
- [Idaho] We are so sorry.
We are your biggest
fans! (Guy scoffs)
- Yeah, right, kids your
age don't even remember me.
Well, you put the guns
away, I am yesterday.
Did you buy my last DVD?
- [Virginia] Yes.
They Call Me Guy, When
Will They Call Me Sir?
It was a lot more introspective
than your other stuff.
- Oh, well then by
all means, feel free
to jump all over my furniture.
Nobody cares about some old
action star anymore, huh?
They threw me on the heap
with Chuck and Charlie.
Yeah! Ah.
Now (grunting) they
want pretty boys.
You know, shaving your
chest is no way to be a man.
- Uh, sir?
- [Guy] Sir?
What is it, tea time?
- Why are you dressed
like a hooker? (Guy
laughs, Idaho chuckles)
- How'd you hook
up with this guy?
Obviously... (sighing)
I dress this way, to blend in.
- [Idaho] Sorry, what?
- Oh, seriously, how did you
two dim bulbs make it this far?
Alright, I go into town dressed
like this, and
nobody bothers me.
(Idaho laughs) Ahh,
oh boy. (chuckles)
You too would really like
these dead strippers.
They're almost as
smart as you too are.
Thousands of good men eaten,
and somehow you survived, huh!
Oh, you're not much
better sweetheart,
I mean seriously, who do
you think you're fooling?
What, did you just,
climb right off
the pole before
all this happened?
(Guy and Idaho laugh) -
[Virginia] What do you mean?
Oh, come on, usually
I'm answering questions
about dead strippers, not
questioning live ones.
Oh, and by the way,
how does it feel
to be the worst-dressed
woman on the planet?
(laughs) Okay, I'm kidding.
(pats Virginia's leg)
Actually, I'm glad you're here.
- Really?
- [Guy] Mhm.
(Frisco playing piano)
- This place has a
generator and tons of food.
Towels were damp
in the bathroom.
Somebody's been here recently.
By the way, did you see
the thread count on those?
- You're right,
someone has been here.
But we're here now.
Maybe we can finally
relax a little.
You know, I noticed
a hot tub outside.
It's got some jets, bubbles...
(Virginia screams, piano closes)
(running, gun cocking)
(Idaho and Virginia laughing)
- [Guy] And I said, slide,
and he falls over an Italian!
No one's gonna believe
you can beat this guy!
Alright, I said,
besides, name me
one successful
boxing movie, right?
(all laughing)
(running)
That's ol' Jean-Claude.
And he's always
doing the splits.
I mean it's really kinda
gross, you know what I mean?
We're doing rehearsal
one time, and I look over
and he's got his
leg up on the wall,
like some kind of ballet dancer.
(Virginia laughing) It's
un-American, isn't it?
(all laughing)
And then Chuck, right, he
thinks he's all this tough-guy.
But you know what? He's
afraid of the Bigfoot.
- [Idaho and Virginia] What?
- [Guy] I know!
Seriously, he
believes in this shit.
(Idaho and Virginia
laughing) So one night,
we decide we're gonna
play a joke on him.
So I walk up to him and I-
(running)
(Guy growling)
(shotgun blast)
(Guy grunting)
(Guy groaning) - What the hell?
- [Idaho] Dude, it's Guy Gibson!
- Who? (squishing, splattering)
- [Idaho and Virginia] We
are so, so sorry Mr. Gibson.
- [Frisco] Who the
hell is this guy?
What the fuck is he
wearing? (Guy coughs)
(splattering, coughing)
I would have liked to have
killed in my last performance...
(coughing, somber piano music)
Instead, I die! (sighs)
(crows calling)
(shovel hitting)
(birds chirping)
- You sure that your Grandbo
will bake me something?
- She will.
- Ash was the best.
(sniffling) I miss him so much.
(whispering)
- [West] He's a fairy.
- Well, I could've
told you that.
- Well how was I
supposed to know?
- I had no idea, I met him
just before I met you guys.
- [West] Whatever, it
just explains a lot.
I mean, I thought I
was losing my touch.
- Well, I can tell
you that you aren't.
(sets down glass) We should go.
Stayin' here ain't
gonna get any easier.
- You're right.
(no audible dialog)
(Hummer accelerating)
(yawning)
(truck dashboard beeps)
- Huh, fabulous.
Good luck I'm not a bettin' man.
Wake up, sleepyheads.
(truck doors closing)
Think I can turn 'em on inside.
- I need to find a bathroom.
(jiggling door
knobs) Of course not.
(sighs) Welcome to Oregon.
(ominous music)
(zombies groaning, growling)
(limb hitting ground)
(footsteps)
- Dude, you're not
gonna believe this.
- Strip club?
- Fuckin' aye.
- Shut the door, shut the door!
Get over here! (door closes)
(footsteps, zombies groaning)
(plastic packaging crinkling)
- [Idaho] They think
we're in the truck.
(zombies groaning)
Shit! Now they're in the truck.
(items hitting the pavement)
Shit, now they're throwing
our stuff on the ground.
(paddle hitting)
- [Frisco] I found
the controls before
you came in, but...
(door squeaking)
- [West] Check it
out, we got snacks.
(bags crinkling) Shit,
what do we do now?
There's a horde
of them out there.
I don't even have my blades!
What the fuck is
it with this place?
Gas station-strip clubs?
You're gonna have to shoot them.
- I don't-
- [West] You don't
have your gun?
What the fuck is wrong with-
- Hey, why don't you pull
some throwing stars
out of your ass?
We don't have time
to fight about this.
We have to do something.
- I have an idea.
(fumbling through CDs)
(microphone feedback,
zombies groaning)
Okay, here goes.
(dance music)
(soda tab popping)
(glugging)
Now, watch this.
(setting can down)
(offbeat beatboxing)
Hey zombies look here
We got nothing to fear
As long as I'm rappin'
We won't be crappin'?
(zombies growl)
(muffled rapping)
Uh, 'cause these
are words, and this is
(muffled rapping)
Ah, it was worth a try.
- [Frisco] They're
still too close.
The music may have
distracted them,
but getting past them
to fuel the truck,
that's a whole other ball game.
- Well, I could just
dance past them.
- [West] What? No! Even if that
does work, how the hell are
you going to gas up the truck
without them knowing what
you're doing?
- What choice do we have?
- Wait, you said
you can't dance.
They'll know.
- Trust me.
- [West] Hold on,
you are not doing this.
- Yes, I am.
- Well then, you're
not doing it alone.
Look, someone has to dance
while the other one pumps.
- Okay, it's like this.
You get down low.
Sway from side to side.
You feel the beat, kay?
There you go.
There you go, a little smoother.
Kay, feel the beat.
(zombies groaning)
Alright, a little smoother.
Kinda like this.
- Okay.
- [Virginia] Good, and you can
start by touching your body,
and running it
down, keep moving.
Keep moving.
- [West] Mhm.
- [Virginia] Good, good,
and show a little more neck.
Yeah, there you go.
- [Frisco] Those fuckin' Oregon
bitches, I fuckin' knew it.
- [Virginia]
Alright, keep moving.
Keep moving, from side to side.
- Uh-huh.
- Don't stop, great.
You got this.
- [West] Alright.
(jazz rock music)
- [Virginia] Okay.
I think we're ready.
- [Idaho] Wow, for what?
- [West] Idiot.
- Let's do this.
("Tattoo" by 13 Cent Bob)
(doorknob turning)
(footsteps)
(smacking)
(zombies growling)
- What are you waiting for!?
(door closes)
(gasoline spraying, splashing)
- Dude, what is she doing?
- You serious? C'mon...
(truck horn blares)
- Let's go!
(lighter flicks)
- Hold on!
(lighter clanks, flame ignites)
- Oh shit!
(zombie groans, splatters)
(Idaho yells in disgust)
- [West] Oh, nice!
- [Frisco] 82.
(wiping blood)
(flame igniting)
(zombies groaning)
(explosion)
- [West] Let's
see, that's 85....
86, 87, (sucks teeth) ooh, 88!
Ouch!
- [Idaho] That was
awesome, Virginia!
You saved us back there!
- [Frisco] My rainbow ass!
Anything else you wanna tell us?
- Okay, so I can dance.
- Liar, liar,
pants on fuckin' fire!
In a world full of
homicidal strippers and I'm
chauffeuring one
in the back seat.
- [Idaho] Wait a minute,
you're a stripper?
(Hummer accelerating)
So, anyway, what I
was saying before,
about strippers,
wasn't about you.
I mean, it was, but of
course you're different,
because you're not infected,
but- (Frisco snaps)
- Shut the fuck up.
(bell tolling)
(ominous music)
(truck doors closing)
- [Idaho] Stripper Alley.
Never will you find
a more wretched hive of sex and villany.
- [Frisco] We must be careful.
- [West] Sun's comin' up.
The roar of the
engine will be heard
from all over the city anyway.
Soon, they'll see us too.
- Should we wait?
- [Frisco] Nope.
They can see us,
we can see them.
(Hummer accelerating)
(truck dashboard beeps)
(truck dashboard beeps)
Fuck-a-doodle-dandy!
- I thought that only
happened in the movies.
(truck door opens)
(truck doors closing)
- [Frisco] Somethin'
bad happened here.
- We gotta keep movin'.
(truck doors closing)
- Hoe!
(fumbling, mumbling)
Here you go.
(unsheathing) - What am I
supposed to do with these?
- [Frisco] That's
all we have left.
- What are you
gonna do with that?
You need more weapons.
- I'm not leaving this.
- [Frisco] For you.
(Frisco laughing)
(gun cocking)
(crickets chirping,
dog barks in distance)
- Let's do this.
(footsteps)
(coyote howling in
distance, baby crying)
(glass breaking)
(heavy rock music)
(zombie growling)
(zombies growling,
Idaho screaming)
It's locked!
- [Frisco] C'mon, c'mon!
(footsteps)
(shotgun blasts)
(dinging)
You!
- You have got to be kidding me.
- A pole in a sandwich shop?
(zombie hissing)
(hitting, splattering)
Rule#11: Never eat at a
strip club. (typewriter ding)
- [Frisco] Shut
up, turd burglar.
We have to barricade
this door more.
Grab the chair!
(chair sliding)
(zombies groaning)
(body hits floor)
(unsheathing knives)
(slicing, splattering)
(heavy rock)
(door opens)
(zombie hissing)
(hitting, stick lands on floor)
- It's not working!
(hits zombie with briefcase)
(dinging)
(gun cocking)
(shotgun blasting)
- 88!
- 96.
We gotta go! (shotgun blasting)
(zombie growls)
(shotgun blast)
(Virginia shrieks, hits ground)
- [West] Come on!
(zombies growling)
(West shrieking, hits ground)
Keep going!
- [Frisco] Quit falling down!
(speech drowned out by music)
(Idaho hits ground) Let's go!
Careful!
- [Idaho] Okay.
(Frisco hits ground)
In there!
(cocks gun)
(places knife block)
- [Virginia] You wanna
sit here in a strip club,
are you serious?
- You have any better ideas?
At least, now we can
lock and bolt the door.
(heavy metal)
(zombies growling)
(shotgun blast)
(knives slicing,
shotgun blasting)
(shotgun blasting)
(knives slicing)
(shotgun blasting)
(knife block hitting)
(shotgun blast)
(reloading) - [West] We
can't hold 'em off here.
Get behind the counter!
(stabbing, zombie choking)
(slicing, splattering)
- We can't keep
this up much longer.
I'm out of ammo,
what do we do now?
- I dunno, we need a plan.
We need something; should
I start dancing again?
- Don't think that it'll help.
- [Idaho] This is it, guys.
- Everything is fucked!
- Everything is fucked.
- [Dad] Use it, use
it when everything's-
(cries out in pain) when
everything is fucked!
- [Idaho] Everything
is not fucked.
- [Virginia] What?
- [Idaho] The briefcase!
(slams briefcase on table)
(ethereal choir music)
(pops clasp)
- [Frisco] Is it a gun?
- A knife?
- No, it's better.
- What the hell?
Rule#1: Strippers dance
for tips, and tips alone.
(hip hop music)
(zombies growling)
- Why won't they leave?
- [Idaho] Rule #2: Strippers
are all about the cash.
(typewriter dings) They're
never gonna get tired.
- [Virginia] We're gonna
have to make a run for it,
Soon.
- [Frisco] We won't
get very far.
- [Idaho] C'mon, guys.
We have to try,
we've come this far.
Damn it, I mean it!
We have to make a run
for it while we can.
- He's right, we have to try.
- Okay, kid.
We're in this together.
- We go, on three.
- [Virginia] Wait!
Is it, we go one, two,
three, and then go,
or is it one, two, and
then we go on three?
- We go, on three.
Ready?
Alright, we go one...
Two...
Three!
- [Grandbo] Get down!
(orchestral brass music)
- It's Grandbo!
- [Grandbo] The kick-ass begins,
when I finish my fine cigar.
Done! (zombies growl)
(machine gun fire)
Forward!
(mob yelling)
(glass breaking)
- [Old lady] Dance
to this, you bitch!
(slicing, splattering)
- [Golf lady] That's not
a rack, this is a rack!
(hitting balls, splattering)
- [Old lady with
rolling pin] Batter up!
(rolling pin hits zombie)
- [Harriet] I've been
saving this for a rainy day!
(slicing)
(hitting zombie, laughing)
(zombie hissing) - [Man] One
little titty, two little titty,
three little titty...
(explosion)
(distant gunfire)
(voice from walkie talkie)
- Yes Trow, what do you got?
(gunshots, muffled
walkie talkie speech)
Oh, good! We'll be done
and mopped up in 10.
Oh, man, I taught you guys well!
Yeah, cool! (all three laughing)
- [Frisco] Uh, miss...
- Grandbo.
- How'd you know how to find us?
- [Grandbo] I knew my
girls would make it.
So I kept spotters
out there on the road.
We were a little
late because Harriet
was in the middle of bowling.
- [Harriet] Yeah,
my fault, sorry!
- Plus, half of these
geezers, well they can't even
hear the alarm, and
they have to get up.
and put on their
analgesic, and well,
there's also some protective
gear they have to bring.
Kinda private.
- [Idaho] But how
did you survive?
I heard there was no-
- [Grandbo] Since we
were by the coast, the
virus was slow to get here.
The cities, they
were just chaos!
All the young people, they
just packed up, and left.
Undisciplined, stupid.
But, I trained my whole
life as a sex weapon.
So, you know, I know
why we were losing.
It was their bodies,
their dancing.
Everybody was so distracted
they couldn't even
think straight.
- Dude, GILF.
- What?
- [Grandbo] So we
expanded our perimeter
to handle the whole town.
We're takin' them
out by the bunches.
- [Idaho] GILF!
- What the fuck is a GILF?
(punches arm) - [Idaho] Ow!
We're finished with
those skanks, sir.
We should be ready
to roll in 15.
- Good. The Earlybird Special
is on me tonight then!
(Grandbo and West laughing)
(waves crashing, bright music)
- [Idaho] If you would've
told me a month ago,
that strippers would be after
me, and that I would've been
running from them, and that
I'd travel across the country
with some kind of gay
super-cowboy, or roll with
a machete-wielding killing
machine, and I'd get the girl...
Well (chuckling) that couldn't
even happen in a movie.
(fork scraping, Frisco eating)
- Grandbo, mm, I love you.
- Aww, I'm so happy to
hear that, princess.
(oven dinging)
Now, you make sure
you try my pie.
- Fine, alright.
- [Grandbo] Now
remember, you kids
are safe here, we've
swept the area.
There is more than
enough food, power,
we've even reached some
people on the shortwave.
And soon, we're
going to rebuild.
- Great, great! Mm.
(dog barking)
- [Idaho] It's ironic, isn't it?
- [Virginia] What?
- [Idaho] I always wanted
a stripper as a girlfriend,
but I never met one,
not one that would
talk to me once the
money ran out at least.
- [Virginia] Well,
you're very lucky.
- [Idaho] I know, right?
I found the last
stripper on Earth,
the last uninfected
stripper on Earth,
and I didn't even know
she was a stripper.
- Yep.
- [Idaho] That makes me,
the luckiest man alive.
- [Virginia] Yeah, you
know, it's gonna cost you.
I don't come cheap.
- Oh, I think
I have something you
might be interested in.
General Washington.
(Virginia laughs)
("Stripperland"
by Western Aerial)
("Club Life" by Double D)
(sped-up laughter)
(film reeling)