Stunt Man, The (1980) Movie Script

[ Vulture squawks ]
[ Panting ]
[ Radio: police dispatcher, indistinct ]
[ Horn honking ]
[ Snarling ]
[ Honking continues ]
You see that thing?
Jesus Christ!
Damn, that was close.
Look at that!
[ Chuckling ]
That goddamn crazy bird!
He just tried to kill us.
[ Crunch ]
That's your point of view.
Shall we stop and ask the bird
what his was?
Somethin' hit the roof.
So will the chief if we don't grab
this guy Cameron.
Hey, Morton.
Is your ass attached to that machine?
You wiggle it, that's gonna make the ball
go where you want to, huh?
Here you go, babe.
[ Growling ]
Put a little fat on ya.
I'm gonna get you, Mary.
[ Snarling ]
Don't you ever learn?
Hi, guys. How you doin'?
Be right with ya.
[ Pinball machine dinging ]
[ Announcer ] ...vitamins,
minerals and nutrients...
...for a healthy, happy and a big puppy.
Ask Nina Franklin
what she does with her puppy.
Dog yummies make you like--
Hey, that's a real beaut.
That's some eagle.
Boy, that's like a billboard.
- [ Chuckles ] Y-Yeah.
- [ Waitress ] Is that order ready?
I just wish the son of a bitch
could fly. You know?
[ Cash register dings ]
[ Vehicle approaching, siren blaring ]
[ Vehicle passes, siren fades ]
[ Resumes dinging ]
You're lucky.
Somebody left you a free ball.
You got 20,000.
- You're gonna win.
- Win what?
A free game.
That's just what I need.
One more chance to lose.
All right, Cameron, just hold still.
[ Customer ]
They're bustin' somebody.
[ Handcuffs ratchet ]
[ Grunts ] Halt!
Halt, or I'll shoot!
Don't shoot!
God, don't shoot!
[ Gunshot ]
- Cameron!
- [ Gunshots continue ]
[ Policeman ] Cameron!
He's over here!
Come on out of there, Cameron!
[ Lineman ] Hey, you cops!
We got him over here!
[ Policeman ] Get over here!
Stand right there like a good old boy
and do what I say.
If you wanna mess with me,
you had fair warning.
I was a combat marine in Korea.
- No shit?
- Yeah!
So was my old man.
[ Policeman ] You dumb bastard!
You let him get away!
[ Policemen shouting, faint ]
[ Lineman ] Hey, you stupid bastards!
Will you shut up!
He's over here! Goddamn it,
he's gettin' away! Get over here!
[ Thunder rumbling ]
I didn't think you saw me.
Get out of here!
Go on, get out!
You son of a bitch, get out!
[ Tires skidding ]
[ Helicopter approaching ]
[ Woman ]
Out of nowhere into sight
Out of darkness
Into light
You come runnin'
Pushin' time
Out of reason out of rhyme
It's the pieces of your past
Cling like shadows to your heels
And your heart is learnin' fast
How it feels
And you watch and wonder
where you belong
And the crowd, it moves
and takes you along
And the colors splash
And rearrange the sky
And reality is yours to deny
And you look for someone
your arms could hold
Who will let you tell
what begs to be told
And you ask yourself
what good are your dreams
In a world where nothing
is what it seems
[ Man ] We're losing our light, Chuck!
Whenever you're ready!
Come on, stunt guys.
Into the pads.
Townsend, move the crane,
or the plane'll hit it.
Rod, get up!
Candle ready.
All right, that's enough.
Come on, clear.
Let's start passing out the boxes.
Line up. Who wants distance?
Get down into the water.
You need a bath anyway.
Come on.
All right, people, quiet.
We're losing the sun.
This is a take.
You're welcome to take pictures,
but please don't move around
while we're rolling.
You'll spoil the shot.
Okay, stand by.
[ Man on radio ]
This is a five-camera shot--
Cameras A, B, C, D and E.
Scene number 36, take one.
[ Assistant director ]
[ Man ] Background action.
- B camera.
- B camera marker!
"A" mark!
[ Machine gun fire ]
[ Shouting ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Soldier screaming ]
[ Applause ]
[ Onlooker ] Here he comes again!
[ Applause quiets ]
[ Gunfire resumes ]
[ Applause, cheering ]
[ Man ] Ammo, ammo, ammo!
[ Applause quiets ]
[ Screaming, gasping ]
[ Cameron ] Medics!
Somebody get the medics!
[ Soldier screaming ]
That's a print!
[ Onlookers gasping, murmuring ]
[ Laughter, applause resumes ]
[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God!
Come on, come on.
Look at him.
[ Applause continues ]
Oh, my God, it's Sarah Bernhardt.
It's Oscar time.
[ Scoffs ]
- Look--
- Come on.
Put the fake head on it.
Hey, Bob!
Knock off the smoke. The shot's over.
Beautiful, Chuck.
You gave everybody a heart attack.
Eli'll hate it. He said he wanted
the shot in one, right?
Now, watch, he'll do six hours
of pickups.
Great, but why do they
always use so much blood?
It ruins the realism,
don't you think?
[ Helicopter approaching ]
[ Man ] Come on.
A, B and C camera, over here.
Hey. Hey, you!
[ Woman ]
Mr. Bailey.
- Mr. Bailey.
- Yes, ma'am?
Are you Raymond Bailey,
the actor?
Yes, ma'am.
May I please have your autograph?
Write, "To Emily, for Eternal Peace."
All right.
I'm certainly glad you're all right.
I lost my husband and my son
in the wars.
[ Helicopter approaching ]
All right, come on. Come on,
everybody back behind the ropes.
Let's clear a helicopter pad down there!
Let's go, boys, come on.
[ Crew members chattering, indistinct ]
What happened on the bridge, Eli?
All the divers found in the car
was the fucking camera.
- And Burt?
- No Burt.
All gone.
They're diving downstream,
searching the riverbanks.
don't say anything
to anyone for a while.
- Jesus Christ.
- Oh, yeah.
Jesus Christ.
- What do you wanna do?
- I do not know, Ace.
Telephone my mother...
and have her convince me
it wasn't my fault.
What in the name of God
could have happened?
Jesus Christ.
[ Man shouting ] Hey!
Give me your hand! Give me your hand!
[ Gasping ]
[ Sputters ]
It's okay.
I got you. Don't be afraid.
It's all right.
[ Groans ] It's all right.
[ Continues gasping ]
It's okay.
It's gonna be all right.
- Jesus!
- [ Screams ]
It's a makeup test.
- W-W-Wait a second.
- [ Laughs ]
Hold it.
Hold it. Hey.
I know you, don't I?
You're, uh--
I've seen you on TV. You're, uh--
Nina Franklin.
[ Both laughing ]
- They gotta be crazy
to cover a face like yours.
- Only at the end of the film.
- Come on.
- No, no. Rescue me.
- What for?
- Come on. Please?
I've always wanted someone
to rescue me from something.
This is just like in the movies.
I am the movies.
[ Eli ]
Nina, why are you
scaring me to death?
Oh, hell, Eli, it's all ruined now.
I wanted you to see the makeup.
Where were you?
I even got Raymond's autograph,
and he didn't even know.
You'd have been proud of me.
- Chuck?
- [ Chuck ] Sir?
Stick her into a tub, then bed.
Then I wish to see her in full makeup
and costume again before dinner.
Oh. Hey!
Thank you.
That was really gallant,
rescuing an old lady like that.
[ Crew members murmuring ]
One moment!
[ Chuck ] Follow me, boys.
We'll set up right here.
I, too, should wish to thank you,
and I suggest you don't run away.
What is that, a habit with you?
Also smoke too much.
The bridge.
Yourself and Burt--
That was his name--
On that bridge.
Would you tell me what happened?
All I know is,
he tried to run me down.
Really? Now, why on earth would he
do that, I wonder.
Didn't get a chance to ask him.
He was comin' at me too fast.
Wanna get home for Thanksgiving,
you better figure the guy comin'
at you is tryin' to kill you.
- Learned that from the gooks.
- "Gooks"?
That has a nostalgic ring.
You really did call them gooks?
I thought that was just Time magazine.
It's 'nam.
If I called 'em wops, nobody would know
what I was talking about.
[ Siren blares ]
[ Man ] Get this outta here
before somebody falls.
[ Horn honking ]
[ Man hums Dragnet theme ]
All right, Ace, that's it.
This time you've had it.
Now, where is he?
I'm glad you dropped by.
Eli says there's too many
people on the beach.
30 minutes is what you got
to get this equipment off
this beach and out of town!
Where's your sense of humor, Jakey?
Tell cross if your men are on
the street after 4:00, I'm gonna
throw their ass outta town.
- What am I, an asshole?
- [ Ace ] Well--
Talking of jail,
would you get very upset if I asked
just how many policemen are after you?
Me? I don't know
what you're talking about.
The way you ran from the bridge,
the look on your face,
and your charm bracelet--
That's what I'm talking about.
Don't suppose you'd care
to tell me what you did.
Not really.
May I try categories?
- Ever done any stunt work?
- Huh?
You're very fit, very fast on your feet.
You could do it.
Besides, your choices
are a bit limited.
I don't want to hear any more!
You lie, you break promises.
[ Arguing continues ]
Now, don't be hasty.
And remember your ass. It's just like
mine. Maybe I can save them both.
Cross, I've gone out of my way,
But this time you really did it.
You don't give a shit about anybody--
It's been a rotten morning.
You're hot, you're tired.
Let's go inside, have a drink...
and find out what's displeasing you.
Don't treat me
like these other morons.
You know goddamn well
what's "displeasing" me...
is that Duesenberg on the bottom
of the river with a dead man in it.
That is a public bridge
and a public river.
You go there without permits,
without precautions,
and you get a man killed!
- Jake--
- No!
No more bullshit explanations!
Just get outta here before
I figure out how to hang you
with a manslaughter charge.
No explanations, Jake.
I do not have any.
- But maybe he does. Go on, Jake, ask him.
- Don't blame me!
Why ever not, Burt?
Because you're a fraud?
Is that it, Burt?
Because you're just a ridiculous
daredevil with a head filled with cement?
Burt here grabs the bread.
That's number one-- The bread.
Right, Ace?
He then screws the shot up.
He screws me up, screws you up.
He's a hopeless yo-yo, Jake,
but he's not dead yet.
So do me a favor-- Put your
handcuffs on him and heave the
son of a bitch into some hole...
where he cannot get hurt.
Is that Burt?
- How did you get out of the car?
- He didn't.
He couldn't get out of a paper bag.
The divers took him out of the car
and brought him here in the chopper.
[ Mutters ]
Let's go.
You wanna ride in the chopper?
We could--
Cross, when these three days are up,
I'm going to arm my men
with shotguns...
and tell them it's open season
on any fruit carrying a camera.
You get my drift, Cross?
[ Laughs ]
[ Ace continues laughing ]
I love you, Jake!
That's a beaut, Jake.
Listen, I'll tell you what.
If we get this stuff--
[ Ace continues, fades ]
[ Jake shouting ]
You did that very well.
Hey, I just listened.
There are a few actors only
in the entire world...
who've mastered that art.
Anyway, that was a very good audition.
And the part is yours.
What are you talking about?
What part?
The stunt man.
What about the people
that work for you?
They gonna look at me
and go, "Hi, Burt"?
Do you prefer "Hi, Alice"?
Don't worry about the people
who work for me, my crew.
They'll call you
anything I wish them to.
And I'm not being callous merely.
Burt is a bloody tragedy, but there's
nothing I can do about it, nothing.
I must have this location
for three days,
And you need a place to hide.
Eli, the crew is waiting.
We need the next setup.
The hand!
Close-up of the hand.
- With you in a minute!
- An Eli minute, or a real minute?
By tomorrow the cops are gonna know
exactly what I look like.
Burt, do stop this worrying. You must
have heard, surely, of movie magic.
You shall be a stunt man
who is an actor,
who is a character in a movie,
who is an enemy soldier.
Who'll look for you amongst all those?
People like to believe in things,
And policemen are just people.
Or so I'm told.
our problem is so simple
it's almost beneath us.
Now, listen to me.
That door is the looking glass,
and inside it is wonderland.
Have faith, Alice.
Close your eyes...
and enjoy.
[ Woman ]
Okay, open your eyes.
Don't touch.
It's still wet.
Yeah, that's nice.
Oh, that's just great.
Well, now, what do you think?
Could be worse.
Could be green.
I think I like it.
Of course you do. Ask anybody.
Denise gives great hair.
You got any grass?
Oh, well, our leading man
isn't going to like you.
Why not?
You're too good-looking.
His idea of a perfect stunt double
is 200 pounds of hamburger in a blond wig.
What's she like?
I've seen her on TV.
Selling Douche powder,
she's terrific.
But the dog food--
I'm not sure she's sincere.
You sore?
So, what are you sore about?
I'm not sore.
Is that what you meant?
Or did you mean,
what's the real Nina Franklin like,
without the greasepaint and the tinsel,
What's she really like underneath?
What do you say about a girl
who wears things like that?
Shy, sensitive?
[ Giggles ]
[ Giggles ]
Oh, you're so wet.
Very wet.
[ Eli ] Raymond, the explosion.
You saw it.
Now, this is what happens
after a bomb has been dropped.
That's bloody carnage.
And here's the bitter bit.
The bomb was dropped on you
by a man from your own squadron.
All right?
When you're ready.
[ Man ] Bring in the smoke.
Roll the film.
[ Man ] We're rolling.
And... action, Raymond.
[ Eli ]
And the fingers move.
And then the hand turns...
[ Raymond ]
Got you this time, didn't I?
Yes, you've got me
half an hour behind.
Is he alive down there?
What's the difference? If he's dead,
all we gotta do is bury the hand.
I thought we'd cheer the chief up
a little today.
[ Kisses ]
You mean about Burt.
Any more word?
No, Raymond, I'm afraid not.
No, there isn't.
[ Sighs ] And no picture ever made
is worth it.
- I'll never understand why
these guys take the chances.
- I don't know.
Probably all we know
is that we shall die...
of nothing more important
than wrinkles.
And it makes us so scared,
so crazy,
we'll do anything--
Fight wars, fight windmills,
go off bridges, anything.
Which is what our film is about.
Or did no one tell you that?
Come here to me.
Raymond Bailey.
It's a pleasure.
My new cock and balls?
Not new.
It's fairly important we don't
let that circulate for a while.
So in the meantime, let's make believe
that he is Burt.
But no longer known
as brass-balled Burt.
Ever since his fortunate escape,
we'll refer to him as Lucky.
[ Man ] Eli.
- Camera's still rolling.
- Cut it.
Done any stunt work?
Not really.
"Not really"?
You have or you haven't.
I got out of 'nam in one piece.
That's a hell of a stunt.
Ancient history.
Seems like yesterday to me.
You, uh--
You think you can jump from that tower
to the platform over there?
To save my ass once,
I jumped out of a banana tree into
a cart full of buffalo shit.
We'll see.
Put these on.
Where do they go?
Under the pants.
You think you can jump
from there to there?
From there to there?
[ Chuckles ]
Very good!
Except you're dead.
Your brains are scattered
all over the pavement.
I mean, you should land
in a tuck, and then roll.
Show me, sergeant.
Very fancy.
[ Chuckles ]
Very fancy.
It's better.
My specialty's the broad jump.
[ Panting ]
And Burt's specialty was drowning.
One daredevil on this picture
was enough.
What the hell is Eli thinking,
sending me a smart-ass kid
when I need a stunt man?
It's different when you're running
across those roofs...
and they're pumping tracer bullets
over your head.
I was runnin' for 26 months with guys
shootin' at my head, not over my head.
I'm here. I'm alive.
I knew daredevils, and I ain't got nothin'
against 'em. It's just they're all dead.
So how about givin' me a break?
You puttin' me on?
I wouldn't know how to do that.
Can you imagine?
Eli's doing a World War I film
without horses.
You know the stunts I could do with
four runaway horses pulling a caisson?
[ Grunts ]
Next time, hit me higher.
What's Eli got against horses?
I love horses.
Don't butter me up.
[ Clears throat ]
[ Grunts, groans ]
We'll draw a sight line for you to follow
down the roof while you're rolling.
Now, it's not very difficult,
but this is where you gotta think.
Your mind can't be on snatch.
It's gotta be on
grabbing that gutter.
Or my brains are all over
the pavement again, right?
A good falling horse makes
more money in four minutes than
a bank president does in a year.
The picture's not over.
Maybe you'll still get your chance.
[ Man ] Marker.
[ Clapper board claps ]
But all they care about is story.
[ Laughing, yelling ]
Now, here's where the scuffle ends.
When that drainpipe
breaks loose and falls,
you'll hit that awning.
Then ol' Eli yells "Cut,"
and ol' Raymond takes your place
for the close-ups and the glory.
That's the scene where the Germans
catch him and throw him in a nuthouse.
They're shooting that down there now.
That's gonna hold me?
That wouldn't hold water.
It's not a real awning.
It's a catcher.
Now, it's no different up here
than it is on the ground.
It's the same gag,
just a little scarier.
- But that's what you get paid for.
- Yeah?
- How much?
- Ah, stealin' candy with this one.
You get 600 bucks.
Jesus! Christ!
Watch it, will ya!
[ Grunting ]
What do you think a stunt man is?
He's a professional.
If the camera jams,
you get 600 bucks,
and if Eli says do it again,
you get another 600.
- You're kidding.
- No, I'm not kidding.
Six hundred fuckin' bucks!
Jesus Christ, what a dummy.
It's a nightmare!
[ Yelling, screaming ]
[ Moans ]
[ Cameron ] Six hundred fucking
beautiful dollars! Yahoo!
All right, cut!
Cut, cut, cut! Hold it!
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
What the hell is going on
up there?
Somebody find out who's making
all that noise! Oh, shut up, Whitey.
I'm not happy anyway.
It ran one minute, three seconds.
Wardrobe, I need a new jacket!
[ Man ] Wardrobe!
I don't need hair!
Give her the hook.
For Christ's sake, Eli!
Time. Money. Time!
[ Denise laughing ]
Come on, for Christ's--
Get your ass up there--
What's wrong, Eli?
Wrong? The scene's wrong.
That's what's wrong.
The scene plays like a dream.
Plays like Marat/Sade.
It was shit.
Shit, huh?
Who was that that called me
when he first read it,
woke me up in the middle of the night
raving about the magical madhouse scene?
Who was that?
My upstairs maid, Eli?
It's still shit.
I don't need this aggravation.
Problem is, Eli, way back when,
when you were all so charged up about
making a great big antiwar statement,
they wouldn't let you.
Well, now they'll let you,
but you haven't got a war.
What you do have, my friend,
is a great deal of egg on your face.
Vietnam is long since gone,
and it's too damn late.
This film I'm making is not about
fighting war, Sam.
Oh? Really?
No, it's about fighting windmills.
[ Raymond ]
You tell him, Eli.
Appalling though it is,
war isn't the disease.
It's merely one of the symptoms.
The rooms are full,
the town is sold out...
and I just hired a second crew.
Eli, pray, what is the disease?
Ah, Sam, interesting.
Define the disease,
write me a new scene,
the egg will drop from my face,
and we shall have a relevant screenplay.
Ask him, for he might know.
Mightn't you, Lucky?
Tell us, how did you like Vietnam?
How'd you like the plague?
[ Scattered laughter ]
Were you drafted?
- No.
- There you go, Sam.
Another one.
He hates war, but he enlisted.
You fought for two years, actually
out there for two years killing people.
I didn't kill that many people.
Ah, you're modest, Lucky,
and there is no need, for
we all dig a little violence.
- What was that you said on the beach?
- About what?
Something about
being home for Thanksgiving.
That you, uh, you'd better
figure the guy comin' at you
is tryin' to kill you?
That's it.
Sam, perhaps that's
what our film is about.
Being scared shitless, whistling
in the dark, inventing enemies.
- Are you finished?
- No, I'm not finished. Does it--
Everybody wants to
take things away from me.
You wanna take my scene,
she wants to take my food.
- You got another scene.
I'll write you another scene.
- Thank you.
It won't make
a goddamn bit of difference.
Studio'll cut 'em all out anyway
like they do everything else.
All you're gonna have left
is a bunch of swell battle scenes,
which they said looked just terrific.
What'd they say about me?
I know. Never mind.
Take a guess. Turkey.
- Well, they won't cut my scenes out.
- No? What makes you so special?
Because they know that if they
touch my film, I'll kill them.
You mean, bang.
Kill 'em just like that.
No, I'll kill them,
and then I'll eat them.
[ Nina laughing ]
That's disgusting.
Waste not, want not.
They call him Eli the terrible.
Sam, this picture is my child.
What would you say if the studio
said your daughter Jennifer
would look better...
with her fingers chopped off?
being an insecure writer,
I'd call my agent
and get a second opinion.
[ All laughing ]
If you'll excuse me--
- Don't go away, Burt. I want you.
- [ Eli ] Jake.
What an unexpected but delightful...
I am not talkin' to you.
I understand you got that film
out of the Duesenberg.
It's at the lab, Jake.
I am talking to this gentleman.
I wanna see that film.
Tell the chief of police
it'll be our pleasure
as soon as we get it back.
- But ask him why.
- Why?
You can tell your Mr. Cross that this
inquiry comes from a source so high,
It is not his to question,
it is his to do it or else.
Somebody they're looking for
may have been on the road
when the car went off.
- Burt, you see anybody?
- Uh-uh.
Hey, was your hair always blond?
Yeah. She sprays it every day
so I'll look like Raymond.
Would you tell the chief of police
that Burt was so busy being brilliant...
he wouldn't have noticed sweet Jesus
Christ walking across the water.
He wouldn't have noticed.
Has anybody seen this man?
Burt, you have it upside-down.
The eyes go on the top.
Couple of telephone linemen saw
this guy Cameron headed this way.
Oh. Looks like a fine,
clean-cut kid.
[ Scoffs ] I know a lot of angry,
weary people who don't happen to think so.
Really. Would you ask the chief of police
what it was that this young man has done?
This guy is wanted by every--
Give me that!
The minute that film gets here,
you give me a call, okay?
[ Ace ] How was Jill last night, Jake?
[ Laughs ]
- Jake and Jill.
- Clap, clap, clap.
Enough of this.
It's time to go dancin' and partyin'!
All right, as long as you're back
in 90 minutes.
But remember, it's a shooting night
for some of us.
For those of us who give a shit.
I give a shit.
[ Denise ]
Aah! Raymond!
Oh, you nut.
I bet they're looking for that guy
who killed all those campers in--
What are you doing to my foot?
[ Raymond ] Is this a gift
from William S. Hart?
Too many campers.
You have to weed them out.
Imagine waiting an hour at a roadblock.
You brownies!
We should have waited.
It wouldn't have been an hour.
She's right!
We should be dancing!
I agree, my little kumquat!
What have I done to you?
What have I done to you?
My kumquat, my lovely--
My rose petal.
What could I possibly have done?
[ Chatter continues ]
What next?
Gonna rescue the maiden
from the tower?
[ Nina ]
It does look pretty high.
- Are you worried about tomorrow?
- Not much.
If there was any real danger,
Eli wouldn't let me do it, would he?
Oh, no.
I'm sure it's safe.
Okay, you jump.
Uh, okay.
Okay. Come on.
What, right now?
Yeah, right now.
Uh-- [ Laughs ]
Look, I'm afraid of heights.
I'm gonna freeze up there.
I'll give you a push.
- That's what friends are for.
- Uh, I think I hear my mother calling.
[ Cameron ]
Let her call.
[ Nina laughs ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Pigeons cooing ]
[ Gasps ]
Oh, no. I don't like it.
This is terrifying.
This isn't funny.
You're crazy.
You're gonna get killed just like Burt.
It's not that bad. Chuck says it's like
taking candy from a baby.
Stop it.
I'm going! I'm--
- What's wrong?
- It's just dumb.
It's so incredibly dumb to just
strut around, trying to talk brave.
You are scared,
aren't you?
Not really.
Yes, you are.
You're trembling.
So are you,
and you're not even gonna jump.
[ Eli ]
And hit two!
I could kill the supers,
fill from behind...
and give you a halo around the tower.
I do not have the time, Gabe.
It's only an establishing shot.
It's only two seconds on screen.
No, I don't have the time.
You have six minutes, Gabe.
I gotta have seven.
- Six and a half.
- Six, forty-five.
- Six, thirty-five.
- Done. Henry.
We are lighting!
If you have noticed this,
you may be of use to us.
Would you stand up
and face the sea...
so we can see your profile.
[ Nina ]
Light this, Eli!
[ Giggles ]
[ Nina, British accent ]
Oh, thank you for the tour.
It was so informative.
I'm going to write father.
He's so interested in God
and things like that.
Good evening.
Want a lift?
Oh, Christ, Eli.
Palm trees.
Yet more palm trees.
Who had the audacity to put palm trees
there? They will be in every shot.
And what are palm trees
doing on a battlefield in Europe
during the First World War?
Answer me that, Nina,
the actress so fair,
who fancied a man with blond hair.
But Raymond discovers,
as he lifts up the covers,
that his double, young Lucky, is there.
- [ Nina ] Eli!
- Now-- Yes?
It's gotten to the point...
where I have to check under the stopper
in the bathtub when I take a shower...
to make sure I have some privacy!
[ Crew members whistling,
hooting, applauding ]
Thank you, one and all,
and good night.
Step right up, folks.
Ride the ride of the century
on Eli's killer crane.
Get in.
I have a present for you.
I'll walk.
Ah, youth, hot youth.
In town for six hours only, captures
the leading lady. Can't be bad.
Shouldn't be too depressed.
Is it okay to be depressed about you
showin' the cops the film?
You don't really trust me,
do you?
Come here to me!
You constantly amaze me.
You don't go to movies.
What are you, a communist?
What were those handcuffs?
Some sort of decoy, disguise?
Did you not know that King Kong
the first was just 3'6" tall?
He only came up
to Fay Wray's bellybutton.
If god could do the tricks that we can do,
he'd be a happy man.
What are you so worried about
the police and the film for?
What am I worried
about the police for?
Look over here, son.
Look through there.
[ Cameron sighs ]
Lookin' for big, bad Cameron.
- This my present?
- No.
Your present is some advice.
Keep it.
You're wearing that look again,
that gleam. It's so hostile.
You're like some sprinter about to set
a record for the 60-yard dash.
Is that why all the fuzz
are chasing you?
What are you,
some sort of sexual freak...
dashing across America in spurts
with your fly open?
You're close.
What's your advice?
Button your fly and be at the airport
on Sunday with the rest of the crew.
You're going to fly with us to
where the setting sun bleeds...
into a million swimming pools
a man can hide in.
- You do swim as well as run?
- I can swim like a fish.
Why are you tryin' to save my ass?
Because you're as crazy as the young man
I'm making this film about.
Besides, I've fallen madly in love with
the dark side of your nature.
- [ Bullhorn alarm sounds ]
- [ Man ] Okay, everybody clear.
- [ Soldiers shouting ] Eine korpshere.
- The rest, over there.
- [ Eli ] And action!
- Now!
- Go!
- [ Machine gun fire ]
Holy Jesus!
[ Chuck ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Shouting in German ]
[ Gunfire ]
[ Machine gun fire continues ]
[ Shouting continues ]
[ Soldier yells ]
[ Gunshot ]
[ Screams ]
[ Screaming ]
- [ Shouting in German ]
- [ Gunfire continues ]
[ Machine gun fire continues ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Soldier ]
- Are we off camera?
- No, we're still--
[ Shouting in German ]
[ Woman ]
What the shit's going on here?
It's 10:00 in the morning.
Take your toys and go play on the beach!
[ Shouting continues ]
[ Machine gun fire continues ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Mutters ]
Oh! Jesus Christ.
[ Groans ]
What are you doin'?
Turn loose of my legs.
That's not the rou--
[ Screams ]
[ Lands on cushion ]
[ Chuck laughing ]
A piece of cake.
Piece of--
Don't stand there.
[ Gunfire continues ]
Take him alive!
[ Screams ]
[ Both screaming, shouting in German ]
[ Man laughing ]
[ Accordion ]
[ People laughing, shouting ]
- [ Woman ] What the hell is going on here?
- [ Man ] Take a number!
Are you a man yet?
[ Laughing ]
Let go of me!
Let go of me! No!
[ Applause, cheering ]
You got all that?
You got through the door?
A lot of balls!
Great gag!
What a number that was.
Hey, man, you wanna split the adjustment?
[ Eli ] I'll need a crab Dolly
with a zoom for their close-up.
I'm so proud of you I could just die.
[ Eli ] Move half a dozen from
up there, strip them.
My hero. Put some light through
the stained glass window, Gabe.
The brothel is supposed to be
in a bloody church!
Why didn't you tell me about the awning?
- I could've been killed.
- No chance.
You were in your mother's arms from
the time you hit that breakaway skylight.
Those stunt men you fell on
would've got you out of anything.
Stunt men?
The one with the tits, and the other guy.
Why didn't you tell me?
Afraid I'd chicken out?
Eli likes things spontaneous.
Thinks it makes it look more real.
You're okay.
What do you want?
Not to think I'm going crazy.
- Has anyone seen Raymond?
A.J., how long was that?
- Twenty-Seven seconds!
Is Raymond here?
Raymond, did you see that?
Were you watching carefully?
What can I say? I'm a brave son of a bitch.
We're doing coverage.
Camera here, I fancy.
Gabe! Anyone seen Gabe?
I'm around here.
How big?
- Fifty.
- Fifty. Uh, Henry!
Don't blind the eagle.
I owe you 600 bucks.
Anything bothered you,
I'll be happy to do it again.
I can't figure it out. I can't take
my eyes off the son of a bitch.
I feel like thankin' him
'cause I fell on my ass.
It's just a crush.
[ Stifles cough, gags ]
[ Eli ] No, you're quite right. A 75.
And, uh, Sam.
What does Sam think?
Eli, do you know that when I read
the insane asylum scene for my family,
my oldest son shook my hand
for the first time in his whole life?
So why is it, Eli, why is it
that your vulgar little scene...
turns out to be so much more moving,
so much more impassioned?
I don't know, Sam.
[ Sighs ]
Possibly because we realize
that our friend the enemy...
may just be a poor, horny slob,
like yourself,
falling into the nearest whorehouse.
That's possible, is it, Lucky? Tell me.
When the stunt man's tit hit you
in the mouth, was it just another tit,
or did it taste German?
[ All laughing ]
It tasted lousy.
But what do I know?
Why don't you try it, Eli?
You're the expert in bad taste.
- Ah, sounds like the soldier boy's
feelings have been hurt.
- No, no.
It's just that I don't know
nothin' about Germans.
- Where I was, we only raped gooks.
- Is that why you're wanted?
You got it.
[ Eli ] Now, gas is illegal
on the battlefield.
Bullets, however, are legal on a battlefield,
but not legal in the prison system.
Hey, look at that.
- [ Chuck ] Did you do that, Gabe?
- [ Gabe ] Yeah.
That's you.
- [ Laughter ] Hey!
- Is that the way it looks in the camera?
Didn't look that way when we shot it.
[ Crew members murmuring ]
[ Eli ] Shut up, children. I can't think.
How'd they, uh, get the film developed
so fast?
What's the matter with you?
Don't let the fact that Eli treats you
as an equal go to your head,
because you're not.
Oh, Nina, we're trying to
watch these wretched dailies.
I'm sorry, Eli.
- He can say whatever he wants to, right?
- That's right.
That's great.
What is going on in that
dim little brain of yours?
How dare you open your mouth
to him like that.
Have you the vaguest idea what he's trying
to say to people with this film?
- That man is the kindest,
the most dedicated--
- Nina!
You can go... now.
- [ Door closes ]
- [ Man ] Who says things don't change?
Try to get one of our guys
to do that in a B-52.
[ Groaning, laughing ]
It was a masterpiece.
A masterpiece.
Gee, fellas, I liked it.
I don't know.
- Jesus, Eli, I'm sorry. We'll do it again.
- Bad, Chuck. Yes.
It's so awful, it's beautiful.
I do wish I could use it.
That's all we need.
We need something, Sam,
and damn well you know it.
- Something better.
- How better?
- Something less boring, something crazier.
- Mm-hmm.
A dead man's boots are dropped
over his own airfield out of chivalry--
That's not crazy enough?
They did it in a film called "Wings".
- Even the dummy was bored.
- [ Ace ] Please, Eli.
You simply will not accept the fact
that we are living on borrowed time.
Borrowed time. We're shaking
a finger at them, Sam, and we shouldn't.
If we've anything to say, it's best to slip
it in while they're all laughing, crying...
...and jerking off
at all the sex and violence.
- He should do something outrageous.
- Like what?
Like... catching an authentic
stench of madness...
behind all that good, clean fun.
Why did we pick World War I in the first
place, the ultimate romantic insanity--
- Like what, Eli?
- I don't know like what!
Like what young Lucky might do were he
to be on the wing of that aeroplane.
Picture that, Sam, for it'd be a bloody
sight more real than that plastic dummy.
Ah, reality, reality.
Is that what you're after?
I thought you wanted
something outrageous.
Reality can be pretty outrageous.
Think of the lucky young soldier boy there.
Three days ago, what was he?
A young turkey scuffling around.
Now he's hurtling off
bloody great buildings.
He's zooming through the air,
breaking his balls doing stunts
he can't have dreamt of.
Tell me, Lucky, what would you do if you
were in that airplane and about to die?
I'd probably dance for joy.
I might even do a jig.
- [ Laughter ] A jig? Terrific.
- We'll do it.
- A what?
- A jig.
- Eli!
- All right, a jig's too far. A Charleston.
- A Charleston?
- Yes, a Charleston.
- A Charleston on the wing of the aeroplane.
- A Charleston's ridiculous.
- Exactly.
- A Charleston is silly, Eli.
Nobody will believe it.
- I shall do it, and they will believe it.
- You'll get a laugh, Eli.
Only when I want them to laugh. Right,
Lucky? A-one, two, three, four.
[ Together ]
A-one, two, three, four.
[ All joining in ]
A-one, two, three, four.
[ Clapping in rhythm ]
A-one, two, three, four.
[ Bullet ricochets ]
[ Gunfire ]
[ Plane engine sputtering ]
[ Screaming ]
Plane! Cue the plane!
Get in! Go on!
Come on!
Move your bloody ass!
Go! Go, go!
Fly this bastard!
Follow him up!
Follow him up!
Bombs away.
And here's some bubble water for you.
That's the real thing.
Like the service?
[ Laughs ]
Whoopee! You want some?
Go ahead!
Hey, give me me bottle back.
Come on. Hand it over.
I want it back.
- Hey, now--
- Mate, was it something I said or what?
I wish you wouldn't go away mad.
- Thank you very much.
- Hah! Yeah!
Oh, down on the farm
in my flying machine
How you gonna keep 'em
down on the farm
[ Continues ]
Oh, tell me how you gonna keep 'em
Down on the farm
After they've seen gay Paris
- How is it, Gabe?
- Fan-fucking-tastic!
What you been feeding that soldier boy,
brave pills?
It's not what he eats
but what's eating him...
that makes it sort of interesting.
How you gonna keep 'em
down on the farm
Once they have seen gay Paris--
[ Machine gun fire ]
[ Groaning ]
Uhh! [ Grunting ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Crowd gasping ]
- How is it?
- Su-fucking-perlative!
[ Eli on Walkie-Talkie ]
Level out.
[ Gasping ]
- [ Screaming ]
- [ Groaning ]
[ Nina moaning ]
[ Moans ]
[ Sighs ]
Oh. Oh, no.
[ Chuckling ]
That's twice for me today.
Now and when I watched you
do your stunt.
[ Moaning ]
[ Buzzing ] I set the alarm
in case we dozed off.
[ Sighs ] I have to study
my scene for tomorrow.
The old lady at the cemetery.
It's brutal.
[ Buzzing continues ]
Why'd they cast, uh, you as an old lady?
Well, I start out as a young girl.
I'm hiding this American flyer.
I'm Austrian.
Will you turn off the clock?
But finally he leaves me
with another little patriot in my belly.
Why couldn't I double for both of you?
I don't look half bad.
I could use the money.
Honey, you'll ruin it.
Take it off.
[ Buzzing continues ]
The clock's electric.
It'll ring forever.
Eli might really go for this.
[ Buzzing stops ]
What is the matter with you?
Everything's fine.
[ Buzzing resumes ]
- What are you doing?
- See, that's Eli...
yelling his head off for you
to work on your scene.
And that's us saying,
"Up yours, Eli."
I like that.
- Would you please leave?
- I wanna make love to you...
while Eli's screaming his head off.
No, I can't make love
with the clock ringing.
[ Panting ]
I'll bet you can.
[ Grunts ]
You tell 'em, Eli!
- Eli, what I--
- I've been thinking.
Why don't you just let the kid go,
Chuck keeps a perfectly
good eye on him.
Eli, he's dangerous to have around.
Now, stop playing games, huh?
Just tell Jake you replaced him.
I don't understand you.
What are you so hooked on with him?
He helps me to understand
the young man in our story.
- That's bullshit, you know.
- True.
- Eli, come on.
- Oh, Sam.
You read in the newspaper of a land mine
left over from some war...
that from time to time goes off suddenly.
He's like one of those.
You read of a boy in a tower who shoots
a dozen students for no reason at all.
His mother says he was such a good son.
- Probably I want to know
what he really did.
- Who cares?
- I care.
- Bullshit.
- True.
- Eli, come on.
Eli. Eli!
- Hello, Sam.
- Hiya, Gabe.
Did you bring the tampaxes? Raymond's
acting like he's got the curse again.
- Bullshit! Ow!
- Aah, god damn it!
I don't suppose Raymond knows
how to drive a Duesenberg.
Eli, come on.
Entry was good.
Roof's holding.
Everything seems fine.
[ Cameron ]
Why did he try to run me down?
[ Chuck ] He didn't even see you,
he was so pumped up to make
a second run at the bridge.
- Look at him struggle, huh?
- Badly.
Eli won't use a foot of it.
That poor son of a bitch died for nothing.
See, uh, the crack in the windshield?
What about it?
Probably from the impact.
That ain't hurtin' anything.
There. Look at that.
He's starting to panic.
Will you, for Christ's sake,
tell me why?
That's where it stops.
[ Flipping switches ]
Fuckin' Henry got spooked and took
his finger off the remote button.
Is that the way the, uh, story's supposed
to end, with the flyer dying in the water?
Sure as shit ended that way for Burt,
didn't it?
The car is parked over there.
The graveyard is here.
Lots of these little graveyards
along the roadside,
and lots of little, little graves.
Most of the stones are unmarked.
- Now, you're a tired girl.
- Tired.
The rent of that car
is a month's pension.
You can't go searching anymore
for this bloody tombstone,
so you pick one, any one,
- Eli, uh--
- And put down the flowers.
An idea, maybe, huh?
Oh! My knees.
Nina, bear with me.
I'm not the director.
I'm just the writer.
Eli, what if,
instead of the flowers,
What if she brought him
something more intimate?
Something from their lives together,
Of their sexuality.
Like her nightgown.
Or her undies.
I know, I know,
they might be rags by now,
but, Eli, you see this?
- What is it?
- I know. Take a look at it over here.
- No, don't peek.
- Come on.
Now, this is very authentic.
Early Victorian.
Mechanical bronzes used to be
quite a thing, you know.
[ Music box ]
[ Sam Chuckles ]
What do you think?
[ Stifled laugh ]
You'll get a belly laugh, Sam.
What do you mean?
What are you talking about?
They'll break their hearts over it.
- No, there won't be a dry seat in the house.
- What, are you crazy?
This is a work of genius here.
Frisky little bear, a work of--
Son of a--
You did it again, you bastard!
Ah, welcome to the same picture, Sam.
[ Nina chuckles ]
[ Sad chuckling ]
[ Austrian accent ]
Oh, you terrible bear.
So impatient.
Tearing something so beautiful.
Sigora. Sigora.
This is an unmarked grave.
Please, let me escort you to your car.
No, when I'm gone you
will take everything away.
- No.
- Yeah, you will.
And I cannot stop you, and it is wrong.
- Yeah, I know.
- I'm ridiculous, huh?
But you laugh without knowing anything.
[ Sobbing ] You would buy a plastic
wreath for a man of such--
[ Angry cry ]
From President Wilson.
From the President
of the United States.
For heroism... to me...
for sheltering him.
- Come on, Denise. Let's not get Eli mad.
- Hey, don't panic.
He's got that big,
emotional scene to do
with the dog food lady
before he even gets to you.
Well, hello there, guys. Come on,
we got a set call in 40 minutes.
You're all probably not even
gonna work until midnight.
You wait.
Eli will wave his wand and get it
out of her in five minutes.
Oh, no, you're confused.
He got it into her in five minutes.
[ Chuckles ] To get it out of her,
it takes longer.
Somebody didn't know.
Hey. Hey, Blondie.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that. I'm a woman scorned.
I'd say anything.
- [ Man ] This is an unmarked grave.
- How silly.
I sheltered him to be with him.
He was my beloved.
Sigora, please.
- Oh, god.
- [ Eli ] Cut it.
[ Disgusted sigh ]
Ah, shit, Eli.
I could shoot myself.
[ Sobbing ]
I know.
Thank you, my baby.
Thank you.
[ Applause, cheering ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Whistling, cheering continues ]
Giddyap there, soldier.
Last one there is on Medicare.
Where are we rushing to?
I was asleep.
Having trouble staying awake?
Stick of gum would you care for?
Stick of gum makes you hum.
- Do you read?
- Short words.
Schickel and Bergenstadt,
a couple of Dutch comedy writers.
You see, it has pictures.
But no skimming now.
Chuck will quiz you on it.
If you pass, you win a free trip
to Amsterdam and you can stick
your finger in a dike.
- What the hell is this?
- A pamphlet on how to
get out of a sunken car.
In Holland, you see, they have a problem
with canals,
so these gentlemen are experts.
- Did Burt read this?
- Offhand, I'd say no. Wouldn't you?
- No chance.
- There you go, rejecting me yet again.
Burt, you are not being reasonable.
Gentlemen... and Jake.
I have exactly two minutes
of borrowed time.
I'm in the middle of a scene.
- You've met the chief of police,
have you, Burt?
- Jake? Of course you--
Turn over!
This is Burt, the stunt man,
driving that car.
The guy with me is Thompson
from the F.B.I.
I don't see anybody else on the road.
- Did you, Burt?
- Uh-uh.
My buddy and I saw that fellow Cameron
break out of the woods and head that way,
Down the road.
I had a clear view.
I was on top of the pole.
- Mr. Cross, do you mind
if we look at this again?
- Help yourself, gentlemen.
The room is yours, but waiting
for me are 60 people who are
being paid for doing nothing.
Burt, come on.
You have reading to do.
Burt? It's amazing you're still alive,
considering who you're working for.
Come on, Burt.
We've time to kill you yet.
- Did you see that--
- Yeah. Why don't we go ahead
and run it one more time?
- Run it all day. I'm not going anyplace.
- All right.
- Why are you lagging?
- What is wrong?
Trying to figure it out.
Where was I?
How tall is King Kong?
Three foot-six?
Good boy.
I have versions of all sorts.
Care to go back and see one?
In one version, you fly the helicopter
and I'm driving the Duesenberg.
It's a dilly. How 'bout the version
where I go over the bridge and drown?
What is this?
Why would I want to harm you?
- You don't like my tattoo.
- I think it's beautiful.
I think it heroic.
I think it to be a major work which may
rank with Campbell's tomato soup can.
Now, I have a picture to make.
Will you take that damn thing
and will you read it?
I knew a guy once.
Stepped on a Bouncing Betty
booby trap.
Steppin' on it wasn't the problem.
It's when you step off it explodes.
So all he could do
was just stand there.
[ Explosions, screaming ]
[ Explosions continue ]
Holy shit!
[ Man ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Man ]
Get him! Get him!
[ Man shouting ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Screams ]
[ Pigs screeching ]
[ Pigs squealing ]
Who said cut?
I had a film run-out.
[ Man on bullhorn ]
Get up. Come on back at it.
How many feet of film are left
in that camera, Gabe?
Goddamn your fucking eyes.
How dare you yell cut on my set?
What the hell, Eli.
Thirty-three feet is nothing.
It is 22 seconds, Henry.
In 22 seconds, I could
break your fucking spine!
In 22 seconds, I could pinch
your head off like a fucking insect...
and smear it all over
the fucking pavement.
In 22 seconds, I could put 22 bullets
inside your ridiculous gut.
What I seem unable to do
in 22 seconds...
is to keep you from fucking up...
my film!
[ Southern accent ]
I just can't tell you how pleased I was...
when you congratulated me
after my scene this afternoon.
All the other glowing tributes
just faded to nothing.
I am cancelling your invitation
to an intimate party,
given by my parents, to honor me...
[ Chuckling ]
...on the occasion of my birthday.
Oh, but don't feel too badly.
As consolation
for a lovely evening missed,
I am presenting you with
the good-sport-of-the-month award.
Tsk, tsk.
[ Apple hits floor ]
Mr. Baum.
Would you please notify
this young savage...
that it's customary
to cover one's privates...
when acceptin' an award?
I mean, it's one
of the common courtesies,
Like congratulatin' people.
What should I congratulate you for?
For the fuckin' scene
or for fuckin' the director?
For fucking the director... honey.
Didn't you know that's how little girls
get into the movies?
[ Door closes ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
My friend, taking my life in my hands,
I must inform you
that you are an asshole.
Being a devout masochist, it follows
that I am Eli's best friend,
And I know quite a lot
about him and Nina.
You and the whole fuckin' crew,
They met three years ago.
Two lonely people
rattling around New York.
A brutal winter.
Eli's marriage had just broken up.
All she had to do was tell me!
That's all, just tell me!
She could have done that
in four seconds, kid.
They went to bed once.
They were lousy as lovers.
But they had a problem.
They liked each other.
They recognized an area
of mutual sensitivity.
I'm boring you.
You telling me that he banged
her once three years ago?
[ Sighs ]
I'm gonna see if they can put me up
in the employee's toilet.
He "banged her" twice
to confirm the awful truth.
Was she supposed to be a virgin?
I had a virgin once.
Had to go to Guatemala for it.
She was blind in one eye,
and she had a stuffed
alligator that said,
"Welcome to Miami Beach."
Out of nowhere into sight
Out of darkness into light
You come runnin' pushin' time
Out of reason out of rhyme
[ Continues ]
Uh, excuse me,
but I was sort of invited to a birthday
party, and I can't seem to find it.
And this seems to be a birthday party.
A birthday party's a birthday party.
Sit down.
And you watch and wonder
where you belong
And the crowd, it moves
and takes you along
And the colors splash
and rearrange the sky
And reality is yours to deny
And you look for someone
your arms could hold
Who will let you tell
what begs to be told
Then you ask yourself
what good are your dreams
In a world where nothing
is what it seems
[ Hissing ]
Hey, Lucky. Guess who told 'em to take
their job and stuff it?
- You quit?
- Fuckin' a.
But not before splittin'
my Schlitz...
with the one guy, except me,
who wouldn't take any shit
off that screwball.
- [ Man ] Like me to take it out of this, sir?
- Change is yours, son.
Except that.
That's a very special dime.
You know what that is?
- Uh--
- It's Eli cross's ass.
I mean, some guys think
'cause you're easygoing,
they can walk all over you.
Bullshit. You kill a man and hide
from the police? Are you kiddin'?
I'm blowin' the whistle
with this dime in that phone.
[ Snorting ]
Who does he think he is?
Hey. What the hell you doing?
Hey, Lucky, what are you doin'?
Come on.
[ Glass spills ]
Watch it! That damned maniac
tried to strangle me.
You don't believe me.
Want to see marks?
I'm lucky to be alive.
I saw the whole damn thing today.
He never even touched you.
You're drunk. Don't drive.
Come on, Henry.
It's okay. Come on.
Look, not today.
When Burt went in the water.
I could see from up there in the chopper
something was wrong,
So I stopped shootin'.
This crazy man gets me by the throat
and starts hollerin' to roll the film.
I mean, there's a man
down there dyin',
and he's screamin', "Keep shootin'!
Keep shootin'!"
He starts fightin' me for the switch.
It falls down.
It's like a crazy house up there.
And him thrashing around
on the floor.
He didn't care about Burt.
All he cared about was gettin'
that dying man on film.
Oh, shit.
I better get that cab.
[ Laughter ]
[ Mewing ]
- You all right back there?
- Happy as clams.
She's so beautiful.
Isn't it exciting? I mean, the way
they put the whole thing together.
- What have you got next for me, A.J.?
- Scenes 122 to 126, Eli.
Sam should see some of this.
We left a line or two of his dialogue in.
All right.
- [ Man on film ] Rolling.
- Speed. Quiet! Quiet!
- Hold it down.
- Jesus Christ.
- How did this slip in?
- Scene 150, take 1.
I'll go stop it, Eli.
[ Muttering ] It will make things worse.
[ Eli on film ]
Hold on. Wet them down.
[ Man ] Makeup, wet 'em down.
[ Groaning ]
[ Giggling ]
Ready? Okay, go ahead.
Hold it, hold it.
Okay, go ahead.
Ohh, jeez.
And... action!
[ A.J. ] I'm stopping it, Eli.
[ Eli ] It really will make things
marginally worse.
[ Snorts ]
Shut up.
[ Nina moaning ]
Save it. Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Hold it, Nina.
- Eli, I don't know what's wrong with me.
- Nina, it's the shame.
- I know!
- A bloody shame, woman.
You've lost your son.
You've lost your father.
You want to tear that man's throat out,
but you don't.
You stay there meekly, and you burn
with the bloody shame of it.
I know, I know. Maybe it's them.
I feel like I'm in--
- Who?
- My parents. I feel like I'm in a zoo.
Let me say bye and get them on their way.
Maybe it might be okay.
[ Eli ] Oh, there's one thing
you should know.
It's not important.
It's completely unimportant.
- There was a screw-up in the dailies.
- What dailies?
Well, the attic scene,
the bare-assed attic scene?
That was shown in dailies.
I don't know how it got there
and I couldn't stop it.
But your parents--
Now... shame.
Roll film.
[ Recording: Hitler speaking German ]
[ Hitler continues speaking ]
[ Hitler ] Sieg! Sieg!
[ Crowd cheering ] Heil! Heil!
[ Cameron ] "Open all windows slowly
to keep pressure...
...but this? From caving in the roof."
For Eli to trick them like that?
Why would he do it?
He's not an evil man.
You're right.
He's not an evil man.
He's a crazy man.
"The water pressure at 200 feet
can crush a man to the size of an egg."
He wants that on film.
So he's gonna kill me.
What are you babbling about?
It's a rotten shame about your folks
and your naked ass,
but dying always scared me a little,
You're beginning to scare me.
Eli almost strangled a man
because he stopped the camera
when Burt got killed.
You take the word of some
malcontent technician?
I saw the bruises!
And I saw Eli that night when he told
Burt's brother on the phone.
I saw the tears.
It doesn't change the fact
that the man is crazy.
If he had his way, there wouldn't be
a soldier left alive by morning.
But I'm the only soldier
he's got on hand.
I don't even know if he knows
why he's doing it, but it's a great idea.
I mean, a genuine dumb grunt...
cashing in before your very eyes.
The real McCoy.
Kill two birds with one stone.
It's got nice logic to it.
- The problem is, both birds are me.
- Stop it.
I'd die if anything happened to you.
[ Phone rings ]
It's my father.
I won't talk to him.
You're all driving me crazy.
I won't talk to him!
Tell him I'm not here.
Tell him I'm at work.
Yeah, uh--
Sure, Chuck.
I'll meet you in an hour.
For me.
Amazing how people
keep secrets around here.
What if I said I wasn't gonna do
the stunt?
I'd say fine.
What if I said I was
gonna leave tonight...
and I wanted you to come with me?
But we have one more day
of shooting.
What if I can't wait?
I have two more scenes.
That's a shame.
I can meet you.
Look, don't do the stunt.
You think Eli's a killer,
then you just call the police.
I mean, that is all I need right now
after what I've been through,
for you to give me now-or-never ultimatums
and tell me my director's insane.
Will you look at this mother?
I'll bet those guys could build
a quarter horse out of a jackass.
Why not? You built
a stunt man out of one.
A stunt man?
Three days, and you've already grown
those big brass balls.
Jump up and down so I can hear 'em clank.
Then do me a favor--
Leave them at home for this gag.
There's just enough room in this car
for a normal guy who thinks.
All right. Show me how long
you can hold your breath.
Now, look around.
What do you see?
No roll bar.
That's because the roof caving in
really looks gassy on film.
Your protection is in the back of the seat.
It's steel sheeting.
You listening to me?
You got good lungs.
[ Chuckling ]
[ Door slams ] There's no shoulder harness
'cause it'd show on film.
So when the car hits the water, you brace
yourself against the steering wheel.
It's reinforced. You couldn't
break it loose with dynamite.
You gettin' lightheaded yet?
All right, keep your hands off the doors.
You're leaving through the window.
You lower them slowly as you sink
to equalize the pressure.
What are you waitin' on?
I'm not gonna be down there
holding your hand.
When the car hits the bottom,
the windows are gonna be open,
and you're gonna make like a minnow.
But first, a little fresh air
wouldn't hurt.
You reach under the seat,
and what do you know?
A regulator.
Don't worry.
There'll be one there tomorrow.
You keep your face forward.
The camera's behind you,
and it's still running.
When the water gets above your nose,
you gotta look like you're drowning.
- Burt wasn't too good at that.
- [ Exhales ] He convinced me.
Raymond's a very good actor, but, darling,
the next time you take out the nutcrackers,
be a little humane, make sure
the poor man has one to spare.
What do you expect me to do,
take him into the back room
and unzip his fly...
every time he flubs a line?
- What else can I do for your movie, Eli?
- Everything's on my back!
When does someone say,
"There, there, Eli"?
Which of my many friends and allies?
I'm surrounded by them.
And you-- "What else can I do
for your film, Eli?"
That's not fair.
That's not fair!
What's not fair? Having hurt feelings?
That's not fair?
I lost you, Nina,
to that swell, wholesome,
fine-looking kid,
that soldier boy...
wanted by every policeman,
F.B.I. man, sheriff,
probably the American army...
and possibly the Vietcong
for god knows what crime!
Jesus Christ, woman.
- Can you not see the man?
He's reeking with blood.
- You're crazy--
- You sound just as crazy--
- As crazy as who?
He says...
that you're trying...
to harm him.
Any number of people
are trying to harm him.
[ Zipper zipping ]
- How'd you know I was down here?
- The desk clerk.
Hey, how 'bout that for luck, huh?
Burt's from New York.
There's no picture on the license.
Who are you?
Name it.
Who the hell are you?
Somebody trying to stay alive.
Anybody who can get through the dogs
and the quicksand.
Who'd Eli say I was?
[ Chuckles ]
Jack the Ripper?
- Why do they want you?
- Eli'd tell you.
I did the same as everybody else,
just one of the boys.
I shot my M-16 at every sound.
Of course, I didn't know if I was killing
gooks or cherries.
New kids from the States,
we called them cherries,
which they were for maybe 15 minutes.
So after the war, I went home.
I guess I expected something.
Free car wash,
double blue chip stamps.
Instead, uh, they looked at me...
like I was gonna start
killing babies or something.
I was supposed to get married,
Run an ice cream parlor.
I gotta go.
Um, wh-- What about the roadblocks?
I'll go through the woods.
Well, don't you suppose
there'll be cops in the woods?
What the hell?
It's a nice night.
I love the woods at night.
It might be such fun
that we'd just keep going.
You said "we."
What about your two scenes?
That's right. You're right.
One of them is, uh,
three pages of me
making tuna fish salad...
for an American flyer in 1917.
And I have to weigh that
against losing the man I love.
It's a big decision.
Don't make me crazy, Nina.
I'm sorry.
I'm a little crazy myself.
I won't lose you.
And I don't even know
who you are.
Why are they after you?
What did you do?
What happens to me in the woods?
Am I gonna need a bayonet too?
The charge was, uh, attempted murder.
I bashed this cop's head in.
[ Sighs ]
Caught me breaking in to a store.
Not to rob it, no.
No, I was there to kill
the guy who owned it.
Oh, why?
Because it seemed like a good idea
to twist his head off!
He said I'd be his partner
when I came back.
The lyin' son of a bitch was real sorry
things were slack.
Slack, my ass!
He just didn't want me hangin' around
'cause he was bangin' my old lady.
So I went down to his store and started
bangin' on his door!
I'm bangin' on his door!
It's 2:00 in the morning.
That son of a bitch isn't open. Open up!
Oh, your hand!
Maybe he's screwing her
behind the counter.
You behind the counter,
you bastard?
You know what was behind that counter?
Forty-one different flavors
of ice cream.
And all that fuckin' syrup!
And those Mickey Mouse--
Mickey Mouse faces on the wall!
I grabbed this hot fudge pot and I went
runnin' across the goddamn room!
Here you are, you motherfuckers!
Smashed it--
Right into that shelf full of animals.
It started raining pussycats and monkeys
and kangaroo cookies just like Noah's ark.
"How long should a girl wait?"
She says.
How long?
For-goddamn-ever, bitch!
That's how long!
That's how long!
I picked up this vat of ice cream,
flavor of the month--
Royal Bavarian chocolate mist--
And I started running
with that son of a bitch!
Scoop this up your royal
Bavarian strawberry snatch!
[ Crashes ]
- It's not funny.
- Oh, baby.
[ Laughing ]
Come on. C--
- [ Can rattles ]
- Come here.
[ Hysterical laughing ]
We gotta get organized.
No, wait. Let me get up.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
[ Giggling ]
I'm gonna have an accident.
Let me go to the bathroom.
[ Laughing ]
No, you'll miss the main part.
Killer Cameron's ghastly crime.
See, I was freaked out of my head,
and there was this flashlight
that started shining me in the face.
So I grabbed this ice cream bucket
and I slopped it...
right on that guy's head.
[ Laughing ]
That's not funny, baby.
No, it wasn't him.
It was a cop.
Oh, no.
Oh, yeah.
I didn't know he was knocked out,
so I got out of there.
How the hell did I know he
was gonna lay there all night
with his head in ice cream?
- Oh, my God. He died?
- No.
- No, he went to a hospital.
- Oh, no.
Yeah. You see,
that ice cream is goddamn cold.
His, uh, tip of his nose,
it froze.
And his earlobe froze.
It was terrible.
No, it's not funny.
His ear froze.
His nose froze, and his tip
of his ear froze off.
- [ Laughing ] No!
- Yes!
And his earlobe--
I gotta go!
It's not funny.
It's a bad year to be messing with cops.
Oh, no!
It's too late!
- You get the F.B.I. down on your ass.
- Thanks a lot.
If we woke up Eli,
if we woke him up and told him
about the ice cream,
do you think he'd forgive me,
call off the stunt?
[ Engine starts ]
How do you open this damn thing?
Sorry, folks. It's locked.
Yeah, well, we know.
- Can you open it for us?
- Can't.
Not till 7:00.
Mr. Cross's orders.
Oh, I'm sure Mr. Cross will understand...
when you tell him that Miss Franklin
had a sudden desire for Swedish pancakes,
and this gentleman had a sudden desire
to keep me company.
Pancake house don't open till 8:00.
Well, that's all right.
We'll find another place.
- Well, y'all'd never make it
through the roadblocks.
- Why not?
Mr. Cross don't want anybody
to leave tonight.
Guess he wants everybody to be good
and rested for the last day.
No secret that the chief's
hoping this is the last day.
[ Car door closes ]
Are you telling me...
that if I decide to take a drive
at any time of the day or night
or whenever I damn please,
I have to have Mr. Cross's permission?
Mr. Cross does not control me,
and he certainly does not
control the public roads.
No, but the police do.
I could wake up Mr. Cross
if you want me to, but, uh--
- No, that's okay.
- Okay. If you change your mind,
- ...I'll be around.
- Sure.
I can't believe it. That son of a bitch
knows whatever I'm thinking.
I'm beginning to feel like--
Like something Sam wrote.
I'm not real.
I'm some jerk American flyer
from World War I...
who's got to
go off a bridge and die...
because some goddamn script says so.
If they just tore out that page,
just ripped it out, you know, I'd--
I'd be fine.
If they crossed it out
and-and wrote something else,
like, uh,
"At the last moment,
"he veers the big car
from the railing...
and goes speeding off
to live happily ever after."
How 'bout that?
Empty road.
Me out there all alone.
The crew, they're,
uh, they're way back.
They're b-breathless...
as I, uh, approach the bridge.
And then, uh, then, "Hey!
Hey, what happened?"
A fucking rewrite's what happened!
I can have 15 minutes on 'em before
they even know they're shootin'...
- ...a whole goddamn new version!
- Yes!
[ Chuckles ]
The love story.
What about the love story?
What happens to the Austrian girl?
People will leave the theater feeling
awful, unless she goes with him.
Oh, baby, how?
Here. In here.
Right in here.
[ Laughing ]
Yeah. Uh, not bad.
It's just that, you know, I think
they made arrangements to meet later.
- Like in a bus station.
- No, see how big it is?
And it's comfortable too.
Nina, get out of the trunk.
- [ Man ] Hey, Charlie.
- Nina. Somebody's coming.
[ Man ]
I ain't doin' nothing till they--
[ Cameron ]
[ Distant rumbling ]
[ Birds squawking ]
[ Excited chattering ]
[ Man on bullhorn ]
Keep the cars moving up there!
Come on, boys!
Keep 'em moving!
Hey, Whitey, what film you working on?
Stay with us.
[ Laughing ]
[ Man ] How about over here?
Other side of the bridge.
[ Woman ]
Hey, I think it's a circus.
All right, people.
The rest period is over.
Another 15 minutes,
and we start losing the light.
[ Man ]
Boys, go to work.
[ Man on bullhorn ]
Where do you want the Duesenberg?
- [ Man ] Let's get the
porta-pits off the trucks.
- Don't just stand around here.
Start unloading.
We're gonna run out of light
here in about three hours.
Let's get 'em all unloaded.
Walt, we need your divers
out of the limo.
Get 'em into their wet suits.
- Come on, let's get that
equipment off those trucks.
- Okay, boys, let's go to work.
Driver captain, take all your drivers
out of the truck.
I need those reflectors
up on this hill.
Come on, let's go.
Get 'em rolling, boys.
[ Soldiers shouting in German ]
Get your rifle.
Take your position.
Are these things loaded or what?
Head 'em up, move 'em out, boys.
Let's get 'em rolling. Hyah!
Everything behind the bridge.
Come on! Hyah!
Come on. Good. Mark it right there.
Fifty pounds there, front and back.
Air bottle goes right there.
Red light right up above
so he can see it good.
Warren, are you there?
There's only one battery
in there.
- You got the tape?
- Jack, the camera goes
on the right-hand side.
I don't want it to fly
in the back of the guy's head.
Make sure it's down tight.
Make sure he can see the light.
Put it right in front of his eye sight.
Oh, great.
We're in good shape.
Let's check it one more time
before we go.
Make sure you wipe it clean
so it looks nice and pretty.
Come on, guys.
Lem, stay home at night,
and you'll be able to push.
Get down there and get out of sight.
- What about earphones?
- Just watch your mark.
Mr. Cross, camera crew
is ready for a setup.
Where's the chopper?
This is the crooked cross
to the lame duck.
If you can find us, we would care
for you to join us.
[ Man ] Ten minutes, Eli.
We're just warming her up. Over.
[ Shouting in German ]
All right, everybody.
May I have your 100 percent
concentration and attention, please?
Everybody drop what you're doing,
stand still...
and put your attention up here
to the director, please.
That bizarre object over there...
is the one and only Duesenberg
we have in stock.
When it goes into the river, hopefully
we shall not see its like again.
So, once the action starts,
no matter what happens,
keep film rolling.
We must have this shot.
I, therefore, order
that no camera shall jam...
- ...and no cloud pass before the sun.
- [ Laughter ]
[ Woman ] I can't do anything
without Raymond's wig.
Hello, soldier boy. Where'd you learn
to live without sleep?
[ Drilling sound ]
[ People hooting, cheering ]
[ Man on bullhorn, indistinct ]
How you doin', Burt?
Hey, how the hell do you guys get
accident insurance?
It must cost you an arm and a leg.
[ Chuckling ]
That's a good one, huh?
Arm and a leg.
Have a good day, all right?
[ Man ] Bring up another 50 feet
of cable, plug it in.
Looking real strong, kid.
Is that loose change jingling
or are they beginning to grow?
- Wanna check?
- Come look at this truck.
The only reason
I'm telling you this,
I don't want you to flip out into space
when you see these guys.
They're supposed to be
shooting at you, and that's what
makes you go off into the river.
Hey, you ever get those pancakes?
[ Laughs ] Hey!
They're my boys.
You can't recognize them, right?
How could I say no to them?
After all the crap they've taken from
your company in the last six weeks.
A cop'll do anything for 50 bucks,
even work as an actor.
These guns are kinda modern
for World War I.
Those, uh--
Those better be blanks.
It don't say so on the box.
[ Men shouting ]
[ Raymond ] No need to look.
There's really no need.
If she loves you,
she's still there.
If she doesn't, then it really
doesn't matter anyway, does it?
Good luck.
[ Man ]
We need you, Lucky.
Get in, will ya?
Look straight ahead.
Can you see the red light
out of the corner of your eye?
That'll let you know
when the film's running,
so be sure you don't turn
your face to the camera.
Bump it once.
Does it work?
Bump it again.
- Camera on?
- Huh? What?
Ask him if it's on.
Camera on?
- Huh?
- He says, is the camera on?
What the hell?
Hey, what--
- Hey, what--
- Crazy bastard!
- Who cued him?
- Not me.
What's he doing?
It's too soon.
Roll film. Roll film!
Wait a minute.
Where you goin'?
Move your asses!
I want this shot!
No, not yet, you asshole!
[ Man ] For God's sake,
swing that crane!
- Get to your markers!
- Speed.
Hang on, baby!
We're home free!
You okay?
Shoot this, Eli!
[ Tires screeching ]
[ Screaming ]
Nina! No!
[ Metal creaking ]
[ Creaking continues ]
[ Panting ]
There he is!
On the beach!
[ Panting continues ]
- Get him!
- [ All shouting ]
[ Shouting continues ]
[ Eli ]
All right. Cut!
All right.
Goddamn, my wife always says
it's dangerous being a policeman.
You guys are sensational.
- A really good job.
- [ Man ] All right. Come on.
Get the stuff on the truck.
Grab the stuff.
Let's go, boys.
[ Hysterical laughing ]
[ Laughing continues ]
- You son of a bitch.
- Take a swig of this.
Come on.
Don't be stingy.
They've been there all the time?
- Huh?
- Them.
- Been there all the time.
- Can't hear you.
They're clanking too loud.
All right.
[ Laughing ]
I can't come any further.
What should I do?
I'll get the dress all muddy,
and I need it for the next scene.
Tuna fish salad.
I know.
[ Laughs ]
They found me five minutes after you left.
I felt ridiculous.
It's okay. It's okay.
Then Eli told me you changed your mind
and decided to do the stunt.
At first I didn't believe him,
but I guess you really did, didn't you?
I'm so glad you two made up.
Boy, Lucky,
were you wonderful.
I guess I'd better go.
I'll see you after.
I'm sorry I was so nutty last night.
I always get crazy
at the end of a film.
[ Yells ]
[ Laughing ]
Lover boy, I think your circulation's
back to normal.
Next time, do me a favor
and wait for the cue.
The word is "action."
I've always had a great compassion
for your people.
Long before it was popular to do so,
I felt a repugnance for General Custer.
Oh, God.
I don't believe it's breathing.
There's some days in which
I can't do one thing right.
I hope this doesn't fuck up our
relationship, you being alive and all.
Why didn't you just
let me go last night?
[ Laughs ] With Nina in the trunk,
and I have scenes to shoot with her?
Okay, this morning.
- Chuck could've done that stunt.
- Mmm.
I know a man who made an antiwar movie.
A good one.
When it was shown in his hometown,
army enlistment went up 600 percent.
I'm trying to convince the world,
with my movie,
there is a reasonable and better way
of getting home for Thanksgiving.
And I'm unable to convince
one young, tattooed dummy.
- Dummy?
- I couldn't let you
go through life bananas,
paranoid, thinking I
was trying to kill you.
- Could I?
- Paranoid?
Sam. Your screenplay has
just become relevant again.
- The young man has named the disease.
- Yeah? What is it?
It's a social disease, quite common.
- Like crabs, the clap, or what?
- Close.
It's got from screwing your fellow man.
Well, I hope you find a, uh,
easier cure,
because that was the hardest
thousand dollars I ever made.
- Hello, sexy.
- Burt, that was fantastic!
- You guys want a ride back?
- May I offer you gentlemen
a lift in the chopper?
Think I'll ride with Jake.
- It's a lot safer.
- Probably right.
A thousand dollars?
What thousand dollars?
For the stunt.
Stunt pays 650.
No, Chuck said the stunt
paid a thousand dollars.
Chuck could have promised you
the Nobel prize.
The stunt pays 650.
The stunt pays a thousand dollars.
Chuck told me.
You're insulting me again.
Diddems, my ass!
Split the difference.
Call it 750.
You always want to split the difference.
That's your fuckin' problem, Eli!
[ Laughing ]
Split 'em with all these other
fuckin' morons, not with me!
I want a thousand dollars.
Sam, I cannot convince one man.
You're cheatin' me. You look at me
like I'm some kind of goddamn movie.
Well, I'm not!
I'm real, and I almost died!
- And I want a thousand dollars for it!
- Be lucky.
And you're gonna pay me
my thousand dollars!
Come back here!
Don't you take off, you god--
You son of a bitch!
You bastard!
You convinced me!
Try not to miss the aeroplane, Burt.
He'd better not, Eli,
and I'm serious.
If I find any of your men
within city limits tonight,
I'm gonna shoot 'em on sight.
I'll be on that goddamn plane!
Hey, come on back here,
you motherfucker!
Come here!
Come on in a little closer!
I'm gettin' sick of being
somebody's goddamn clown!
How tall is King Kong?
Three foot-six, and that's what
you're gonna be if you don't
pay me my thousand dollars!
Give me my money!
Pink smoke!
Come on over here
with your pink fuckin' smoke!
Do try and not miss the plane, Burt.
[ Eli ]
Sam, rewrite the opening reel!
Crush the little bastard
in the first act!
[ Laughing ]