Suedi (2021) Movie Script
Where's all the money?
The police are here. You said three minutes!
They're almost in!
This is what you look like when
you realise you're totally fucked.
And you wonder,
why would I do something so idiotic?
Well, because you were trying
to be smart.
But deep inside, you know
you're actually not that smart.
But hey, I've gotten this far.
So, in some ways,
I'm a goddamn legend.
To tell this story right,
I have to start at the beginning.
The day I found 90 million kronor
and was finally considered Swedish.
A fucking Suedi.
My name is Mahmod Aziz.
I was born and raised in Sollentuna.
Malmvgen!
My parents were law students
who fought for democracy,
forced to flee
from Kurdistan to Sweden.
In Sweden, Mum worked in a factory,
Dad worked in waste management.
I have a sister who works as a dental
hygienist at Sollentuna Centre.
Hey, I've got respect for her
for brushing people's teeth.
She's married to a guy
whose parents are from Chile.
He's always talking about
human rights and stuff.
And he's always wearing
proper Swedish socks.
Multicoloured, you know.
In the hood, socks are either
black or white.
Why bother with stripes
or multicoloured? Anyway...
Even though my dad constantly nagged
me about being a doctor or a lawyer,
I became nothing.
I don't want to blame others, but we
were isolated from society. I swear.
Outsiders, you know.
Like when we went to town
and felt like visiting aliens.
- Why are you here today?
- Money.
- Why are you here today?
- Money!
- Why are you here today?
- Money!
I got a job at a call centre.
I used to change my name from Mahmod
to a more Swedish name
like Pontus, Anders or Johan
so I could sell more.
And it worked. I sold the most.
On the phone,
I could be someone else.
But outside the office,
I was always an outsider.
Members only.
And you have the wrong shoes.
It's Gucci, man.
Can you stand to the side
so I can let people through?
Welcome!
Though we were born in Sweden,
and had drunk more Swedish milk
than a Swedish calf,
we'd never been seen as Swedish,
or, for that matter,
gotten to feel Swedish.
We were like second-class citizens.
But we wanted to come
into the warmth.
Henke Larsson.
Children, after the match, we'll eat.
And Mahmod, if you stay in the room,
that would be great.
Yeah!
Why are you celebrating?
You're not Swedish.
Ever since,
I've had one single goal in life.
To not feel different. To be accepted
and seen as a regular Swede.
One day, I was out running
with Fat Bashir and Amir.
We thought, what do Swedes do?
They run.
- Hi!
- But they didn't acknowledge us.
Like usual.
They don't even look at us.
They didn't hear us.
That wasn't the craziest part
of that day.
What happened
in the forest was a miracle.
It was like someone looked down
and said:
Bro, this is going to be good.
I swear.
91.245 million blessings.
We laid low for three months
checking the news to see
if anyone was missing the money.
There was nothing.
Hey, if you'd found 90 million
kronor, what would you have done?
Bro, we knew exactly
what we'd do with it.
Fat Bashir went to Las Vegas and
married a stripper called Charmonell
or Hormonell or something.
He accidentally bet his 30 million
on number two in roulette and won.
30 times the money, so the hotel
offered him part ownership.
Amir, like all other thumb-ring dudes
with tattoos, went to Thailand.
With 30 million,
he could buy an island.
He said he never wanted
to come back to Sweden.
He said we'd never
be accepted as Swedes.
I told him he was wrong.
To be seen as Swedish,
we needed cash.
Which we had now.
I got blue contacts, a new hairstyle,
and I rented a house on Liding,
and bought a Volvo, of course.
And I changed my name from Mahmod
Aziz to Sebastian von Steinberg.
If you're getting a new name,
why not become a nobleman?
Like a count.
I told my neighbours I'd inherited
the money from my wealthy parents.
My dark hair? I said I had
an Italian great-grandmother.
Everyone loves pasta!
And to my real parents, who were
alive and still in Sollentuna,
I said I worked on an oil rig
outside Iceland.
I couldn't really save the money
in a bank.
So, just like Pablo Escobar,
I hid all my cash in various places.
If you know, you know.
I hired a spot in an office hotel
and started a consulting firm
so it would look like I had a job.
Consulting sounded good.
It's a broad area.
I paid several k
for a speech therapist,
and got rid of my so-called
"Rinkeby Swedish."
Goddammit!
I understand.
I took a course in Swedish
table manners, walking style,
and even embroidery.
And listen to this.
I started wearing patterned socks.
Bro, I sat like a Suedi.
I sighed like a Suedi, I ate like
a Suedi, I walked like a Suedi.
Man, I started thinking like a Suedi.
- Excuse me, I'm in labour.
- We actually queue in Sweden.
Unbelievable.
And now, when I finally
got into the club, I met her.
The woman who would make me
the happiest person in the world.
Her.
She made me whole, brother.
We were so alike, yet so different.
If she were a guy,
she'd have been exactly like me.
- Fuck it, you know what I mean.
- Hi! Isabelle.
Sebastian.
And now we've been together for
three years and we're still in love.
She's totally wonderful.
She's got a saliva phobia,
so we don't French kiss very often,
but that's fine.
She's an animal elsewhere.
You know what I mean.
A lady on the street,
a freak between the sheets.
Okay, some nights
she's a different person.
Role play, you know?
Yeah! Yeah!
I'd never felt like this
for any girl.
- Oh, damn.
- I'd die for her.
Isabelle Eliasson.
Congratulations, Isabelle.
She doesn't just make me laugh.
She's assistant prosecutor and maybe
soon chamber fucking prosecutor.
That's what I'm talking about!
Come on, babe! You can do it!
My psych says
break your habits, lose the worry!
I did it!
Great! I knew you would!
- You did it!
- Ow!
Honey?
I had the whole package, brother.
Volvo, house, dog.
Okay, no dog.
I never liked dogs or cats.
I don't think people from the hood
really like them.
Because they're afraid of them.
As Bashir says, fucking dogs.
Everything was how
I'd dreamed when I was little.
And I felt a sense of belonging.
I felt like Roy Fares pastries, and
everyone loves Roy Fares pastries.
Even Jimmie kesson loves
his pastries.
- Um... Sebastian?
- Mm.
- Um...
- What is it?
It's a leap year.
Sebastian von Steinberg...
Will you marry me?
Yeah, bro. It happened.
Apparently, in Sweden,
women can propose on leap years.
But bro, in the hood, it's never okay
for your girl to go down on one knee.
You can take me outta the hood,
but you can't take the hood outta me.
But... I was a Sebastian now.
Yes! Of course. I mean...
Thank you. Wow.
What a surprise...
- Congratulations!
- Thanks.
- I'll post the photo on Instagram.
- Which photo?
The photo the waitress took.
Your expression is priceless.
Look inside the ring.
Okay.
Sebastian Eliasson?
You know the feeling when you zone
out and see your life from above?
Like, from a drone?
That's how I felt.
In that millisecond.
First, she goes down on one knee, now
she wants me to take her last name.
Like, what the fuck?
I know, we've only talked
vaguely about it, but...
Sebastian Eliasson,
it sounds magical.
I know, but I think von Steinberg
sounds a bit magical too.
Let me think about it, okay?
Usually the woman
takes the man's last name.
Why would the woman take the man's
last name? I don't understand.
Because it's always been that way.
I think that tradition is nice.
- And the man has a responsibility.
- Oh.
The stone age called.
It wants its values back.
Have you been watching a bit too much
Handmaid's Tale lately?
Blessed be the fruit,
under his eye.
We can make up our own last name.
Look at Ola and Noomi Rapac.
- Rapace.
- Rapace? Are you sure?
I heard it was meant to be artistic
and French, like Rapac.
You know what?
Of course I'll take your last name.
Of course the man can take
the woman's last name, right?
You're lovely. 30 likes
in under 30 seconds. Unbelievable.
People love photos of us, we should
take more... I'll take more of us.
- Absolutely.
- Ghettofab comments,
with a crying/laughing emoji,
"What a Suedi,
letting his girl propose,
he looks like Mahmod
from Sollentuna."
#pussywhipped...
Mahmod?
- No idea...
- Ghettofab has a private account,
and the description,
"School of hard knocks."
Though my masculinity
had been crushed,
and someone might have
recognised me on social media,
this last name thing was the best
that could have happened.
The ultimate way
to be seen as Swedish.
Man and wife Eliasson.
Even proposed to. The best.
Fuck, I love her so much.
I want to plan the best,
most Swedish wedding.
It would be in our function hall
on Liding,
really Swedish, with a linoleum floor
and wooden wall panels.
I love that stuff.
So I ordered half a million red roses
to cover the walls with.
And booked Sarah Dawn Finer to sing.
Like she sang for the Crown Princess,
she should sing for my princess.
Roy Fares would bake
the wedding cake.
And I organised a unicorn.
Isabelle loved unicorns,
so we'd have lots of unicorns
welcoming guests at the venue.
It would be the coolest party
in Swedish history.
Bigger than the Nobel dinner,
not hard to top,
considering how Horace
fucked it all up.
You get it.
And cash? That wasn't a problem.
Everything for my darling.
Bro, I'd started yoga.
What can I say? You know,
like a real, inner-city Suedi.
I tried out
that Cobra position, when...
...maybe sitting at home,
flipping through
these 500 and 1000 krona bills,
which will soon be invalid.
It's the 30th of September
in two weeks.
There's a limit of 10,000 kronor,
and if you have more than that,
you have to report where the money is
from and preferably have the receipt.
Fuck.
So, if you have bills or coins at
home, make sure you exchange them...
How the fuck am I going to launder
30 million kronor
in less than two fucking weeks?
I collected all the money.
A total of fifty thousand
500 bills that would be
invalid in two weeks.
But it wasn't just me in trouble.
3.8 billion kronor is missing,
according to the reserve bank.
This is the last chance to exchange
the bills before they become invalid.
Run.
Sebastian?
There you are!
How's the spa going?
So so, actually.
I have to install new pipes.
It's a hell of a job, but...
- It'll be good.
- Hey?
- It happened today at work.
- What did they say?
I got an email from Sandra
who sits across from me, that said,
"Anders wants a job interview
with you tomorrow."
You'll become a chamber prosecutor.
- What do you think of this?
- It's really nice.
I have to make a good impression.
Have you called your best man?
- Jocke?
- Mm.
Yeah, I saw him and told him.
He was so happy.
- I thought he lived in New Zealand?
- He did.
But he moved home just recently.
You know what? You two have to meet.
I haven't met any of your friends.
It's so weird.
I know! It's just that most of them
moved abroad, and then...
You don't have many friends
as an adult.
You have your family
and your sister...
Erika was so happy when I asked
if she'd be a bridesmaid.
She's met some new guy
she wants to introduce us to.
- They're coming to the dinner.
- The dinner?
- Dinner with Mum and Dad.
- Right! The dinner!
Hey, why doesn't Joakim come
to dinner?
- Yes.
- Yes!
- He'll be so happy.
- That'll be great.
Can you go get the painting
we got from Mum,
- and hang it? It's in the garage.
- The garage.
Hey! What are you doing?
We're taking the table and chairs
included in the bridal package.
Why?
My boss says
you didn't pay the invoice.
No, that must be a misunderstanding.
I'll call Susanne.
I'm going or I'll be late to yoga.
Yeah, okay.
She doesn't like saliva.
Whatever, this is a misunderstanding.
I'll deal with it. Don't worry,
just think positive energy, okay?
Wow!
Okay, brother, listen.
I've given you 30 in cash, here's 10,
leave the chairs, okay?
- No, talk to my boss.
- Bro, listen.
- What are you doing, bro?
- No, that's not what I meant.
Get your hand off me.
I just wanted to get rid of
this hair here.
Just love. Listen,
I'll add 10 for this, if you want.
Leave the chairs, and...
- Be a bro.
- Bro?
Yeah, bro.
You're no bro.
You're a fucking Suedi, man.
Move and let me do my job.
Yeah, but, I'll go...
- There you go.
- Shit, are you for real?
- Hey, Sebastian? Something wrong?
- Hey, Yngve!
No, I ordered chairs,
and they've sent the wrong ones.
The wrong ones.
It's exhausting, this always happens.
You can take them back, guys.
Just pack them up.
I just wanted to remind you to pay
100 kronor for the venue.
- And provide your own crockery.
- Can I pay you right now?
Sure, I'm the treasurer
of the association.
- Here you are.
- Okay.
- Yeah, I know, they're invalid soon.
- I need a copy of your ID.
- For the venue booking.
- Absolutely.
- My ID card.
- You borrowed a rake from me.
On the... 10th of June.
I'd really like it back.
- Of course!
- Good, good.
Otherwise I'll be forced
to add a reminder fee.
Of 60 kronor.
Okay.
- I'm sorry, I can't accept cash.
- Please, this is my life savings.
You've booked the premium package
with extra chefs, eight-course meal,
an almost two-metre-tall cake,
and doves.
I know.
Here's the invoice.
Pay it with a bank transfer,
you'll get the furniture back.
Please, here's two million, cash.
No, pay the invoice.
You don't have to be nervous.
I read an email
that said he liked you.
- What did it say?
- It said, like, "I like Isabelle.
She's good."
Go in, now.
- Hi, Isabelle.
- Hi!
Take a seat there.
- You've been here for five years.
- Mm.
And... why do you think
you should be chamber prosecutor?
I have... all the merits necessary.
I love new challenges.
We've gotten some new guidelines
for this year.
We're going a bit harder on financial
crime and money laundering, and...
So I'm curious, what do you think
of that, and what can you contribute?
It's music to my ears. I want to work
with what I'm passionate about.
I've actually applied for a course
in transnational money laundering...
To get a global perspective.
I think it's a huge problem
that we need to get on top of.
Excuse me, I'm just a bit thirsty.
Are you okay? Are you feeling...
Just very thirsty.
You're a very inspiring person
to listen to and talk with.
And, God, a strong woman, truly.
The association...
The association will like that.
We'll be in touch.
So, there are multiple
different ways of laundering money.
The most efficient
and effective way is of course
to make it seem like the money
you're laundering
is coming from a legitimate source
like a regular business.
Anything that makes it
seem legal is fine.
I have too much energy, so I built
the whole damn house myself.
- By yourself?
- Yeah.
It's a 300 metre square living area,
this view,
and bulletproof glass
in the windows.
- These ones?
- Yep.
- I want 25 million for it.
- I'll pay cash.
DJ Tiesto did that too, actually,
when I rebuilt his house.
Okay.
I don't want to stick my nose
where it doesn't belong, but,
I suspect you're in the same
business? Are you a DJ?
- Exactly.
- Cool!
What's your name, then?
My name?
DJ Mahm... therfucker.
So, Motherfucker fucker.
- Heavy.
- I play a lot in Ibiza.
- Have you been there?
- A lot, actually.
Well, I didn't play there that much.
But whatever,
here's 15 million in advance.
You don't have dollars?
Dollars? We live in Sweden,
why would I have dollars?
These old bills are invalid soon.
I won't be able to exchange them.
- Are you saying no to 15 million?
- No, I didn't say that.
Put the money into your account,
and come back and I'll be able
to accept it the next day.
You'll be able to sell the fucking
place for 35 million, clean as snow.
You follow me?
Fuck. I'll deal with the cash later.
The wedding's in two weeks
and I have to get a fake family,
best man, and my own bachelor party.
So I start looking for people
on film extra websites.
Like I said,
my name is Sebastian von Steinberg,
and you're here
because I'm getting married.
I haven't had any close friends,
and my family died when I was young.
That's why I'm holding this casting.
I want people who can act
as my family and friends
at the wedding and bachelor party.
I don't do full nudity.
- No, no, no.
- Maybe some mild bondage, like...
50 Shades of Grey.
- Is it 300 kronor per day?
- Yes.
That's what you usually get as
extras, right? Or movie tickets.
I just think...
since there are lines as well,
- with the wedding and everything.
- How much do you want?
I have an ongoing discussion
with the theatre union,
and the going rate
is 990 kronor per day.
- No problem.
- Oh, good.
Yvonne, you get to play my aunt.
Okay?
The only family member I have left,
and her name is Yvonne von Steinberg.
Von Steinberg? That's Jewish, right?
I can play a Jew.
I know a bit of Hebrew.
I really like method acting.
I've just done a workshop.
That's not necessary. Just remember
that the name is almost noble.
You love your life in stermalm,
and you like bargain hunting
at Schuterman.
- What's that?
- An expensive store in stermalm.
Here's everything you need to know,
so read it thoroughly.
- Okay.
- But remember, you're from stermalm.
So your "s" has to sound a bit more
like "sh", and not "s". "Sh."
Undershtand.
The fish is from Melandersh.
- The fish is from Melandersh.
- The 'fissh', not the 'fishh'.
- Melanders, what's that?
- It's a restaurant in stermalm.
- Hey!
- Hey, there.
- Abbe.
- The picture was of a blond guy.
Ah! I'm standing
next to my boyfriend.
I thought it was a nice picture,
so that's why I chose it.
Isn't he cute?
Yeah, he's really cute. But, Abbe?
It's short for Abdullah.
Bro, in a Swedish production,
there's only room
for one immigrant.
You know how it is.
And in this production, it was me.
Abdullah, you'll get a
"Thanks, but no thanks," in an email.
- Andreas, right?
- Yeah.
You get to play my best man.
Your name is Joakim,
but people call you Jocke.
Yep. We went to school together,
and you get to plan
the bachelor party.
Yes!
Damn! Sorry, it's just so much fun.
I did this for real once
for a friend.
I planned the bachelor party.
And it ended with him
selling his kidney!
- Why?
- Because it was a bet.
And the alternative was being shot
in the balls with a paintball gun.
And he was like,
"No, no, I'll take the kidney!"
That's what you do
at a bachelor party.
The point is to degrade the groom
to the point where he...
- almost doesn't want to get married.
- I'll plan the bachelor party.
- I'd love to...
- No. I don't want you to.
- Okay.
- You... I don't recognise...
Sorry, that might be my fault.
This is my friend, Arben.
He doesn't talk much, but I thought
it could be good to have him around.
Is he deaf, or...?
No, I don't... think so.
Don't look him in the eye.
He can become a little violent,
so avoid that.
But he can be a lot of fun
if you get him going.
Okay, anyway!
Here's your first payment.
- There you go.
- These are invalid in two weeks.
Two whole weeks,
you'll have time to spend it.
- I'd like you to Swish it.
- I don't have Swish.
Then I'll send an invoice
through Freelance Finance.
- I'll do what she's doing.
- No problem, you too?
- No, it's fine. This is great.
- Awesome.
- Thanks for coming.
- You too.
Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- Hey, is Tan here?
Tan, they're looking for you!
You never work!
Mahmod! Bro! What's up?
When are we gonna ball?
What's that?
Have sex, in Danish.
Tan was an old friend
from Sollentuna.
He can sort anything.
You don't want to call Tan,
but he was my last resort.
- I'm just messing with you, bro.
- I want to talk to you.
Hey Carlos, I'm off.
You are so lazy! Go to work!
What's up, bro?
I have old bills I need
to exchange for new ones.
It's okay, my friend, walk easy.
Everything's cool, relax.
I need your help.
Brother, Mahmod, I swear,
you've become a real Suedi.
You're pathetic,
but you're still my brother.
- Can you help me?
- Do I look like a help line?
Do you think I know everything?
How much?
- One million.
- Sh!
Chaos...
Where did you get one million, bro?
I found... I mean I sold a boat.
I might be able to get you
one million in Chinese yen.
Yen? What am I supposed
to do with Chinese yen?
I'd love to cover you in oil
and lick you like a lollipop.
- Tan!
- Bro, you're not even my type, man.
So skinny, sad person, small noodle.
Can you help me or not?
You should buy cocaine and sell it.
You could even make a profit.
Elvira! You need people like me!
Tan!
Yeah, bro?
Bro, it's against God's will.
But there was a guy here earlier.
He was bragging
how he sorts things out.
How he makes deals left and right.
I got his number.
- I can send it.
- Send it.
- Send it, anything.
- No worries, bro.
Firm handshake, me like.
Nice of them
to send balsamic vinegar.
- Oh yeah, did you hang the painting?
- What painting?
The one Mum gave us.
I forgot, but it's in the garage.
Help me put it up quickly.
No, we're not talking about it.
It looks like
someone spilled ketchup on it.
Why are you coming in this way?
- I rang the doorbell for ten minutes.
- You were meant to come alone.
Why did you bring him?
It wasn't a good day
to leave him alone.
So... you don't need to pay for him.
- As long as he's quiet.
- Yeah...
Does it look like he's going to talk?
Don't stare.
- Hey there.
- Hi, honey.
This is Jocke, who I've talked about,
and this is his friend.
Arben. And I'm Jocke.
Wow.
You can call me Jocke.
And a kiss.
She's so lovely. You're so lovely.
Sebastian told me she's good-looking,
but not this.
- Well, thank you.
- Thank you.
And your name is Arben?
- Don't stare at him.
- Okay.
- Come on in.
- Wow... what a lovely painting.
Wow, it's got a feeling
of sorrow about it.
Goodness me, don't you know
the doorbell is broken up there?
How do you plan to greet your guests?
Will you do it here?
- I can probably fix the doorbell.
- It's not our problem to solve.
Don't worry, I'll fix the doorbell.
Hi, Lars.
- Hi, welcome.
- Thanks.
- Hi, Mum.
- Hi, darling.
Sorry about how we smell,
we caught public transport.
Please, Mum.
- Darling.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi.
- Oh, how lovely!
- Hi, Birgitta.
- The car is still being cleaned.
- Didn't you get a rental?
- It was Japanese.
I can't drive those strange cars.
It wasn't an option.
It was a Tesla, darling,
and it's not Japanese.
- What happened to yours?
- You don't know?
A rat got in through the exhaust pipe
and gnawed through the back seat
and attacked Birgitta
while she was driving.
It could have ended terribly.
Sorry, the mental image of the rat
attacking you, like a Gremlin.
Do you remember Gremlins?
Sorry.
Sebastian's good friends,
Joakim and Ruben, are here.
- Arben!
- Exactly.
- So, come in!
- Welcome.
- Look! It suits the spot.
- Yes.
Good day.
My name is Birgitta Eliasson.
Good day. My name is Joakim.
- This is Arben.
- Hello, Albert.
- Arben.
- Hi. My name is Lars.
He's... he speaks Swedish...
when he speaks.
- Hey, sis!
- Hello!
Do you know
your doorbell doesn't work?
- I volunteered to fix the doorbell.
- I'll fix it tomorrow.
Otherwise, just say, and I'll fix it.
We're family soon.
With emphasis on "soon".
- Everyone, this is Ludvig.
- Hey, there! Ludde.
- I just wanted to help.
- Hey, Sebbe. Or, Sebastian.
- Call me Sebbe, if you want.
- Hey, Birgitta!
- Did you sort out the fish?
- Yes, put it on a salt bed, the best.
- Ludde's a consultant too.
- I think I recognise you.
We might have met in a work context.
Yes, maybe...
- What area do you work in?
- Computers. And you?
Finance.
After college, I worked in the public
sector, but I've moved to the private
and enjoy life, so to say.
If you haven't done it,
you really must.
You should really invest
in a country house outside the city.
- We should invest in something.
- We should.
Erica has always
been good with money.
- Well! Should we go and eat?
- Yeah!
The salad was delicious.
What was the dressing?
Um, it was just
olive oil and balsamic vinegar.
You should try avocado vinaigrette.
It's got a bit of a fuller flavour.
- This was good, though.
- Mm.
Where are you from
originally, Sebastian?
Sweden.
- Sorry. Where are your parents from?
- Sweden.
Way back, the 1800s, Vallon.
I've got a great-grandmother
from Italy.
Oh, I love Italy!
- Italia!
- You really should visit.
Alesso, Ingrosso, espresso...
- So exotic.
- Prosciutto!
It's good, the ham.
Absolutely! A really nice
prosciutto, it's hard to beat.
- Yeah, it's good.
- Yeah.
I remember spending time with Aje
on the Amalfi Coast.
Wasn't that the time you got so sick?
When you'd eaten
that mouldy mozzarella?
Sure, but until then,
it was very pleasant.
Where did you grow up, Sebbe?
- Karlaplan.
- Oh, I thought it was Odenplan.
First, it was Karlaplan, then after
I was christened, it was Odenplan.
Which church
were you christened in, Sebbe?
Oscar's Church,
the same as Jocke, actually.
But... how did you two meet?
- Trender.
- What's that? A dating app?
Yeah, well, it's really an app
for people wanting a threesome,
but the other girl didn't show up...
Missing! But her loss, our win,
really. I got you.
- I love you.
- I love him.
You were going to have a threesome,
started talking, fell in love,
- and you went riding with Birgitta?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Well done!
Mum loves horses, so Ludde took her
on a little riding tour.
- Yes.
- Ludde...
- Isabelle? Ludde owns a stable.
- Aw.
I think an interest in horses
says a lot about a man.
What?
Horses are
absolutely fantastic animals.
I'd like to say a few words.
I'll save the speech for the wedding,
but I want to say that I think you...
You have such a lovely relationship.
You seem to have
so much that unites you.
- And that makes us very happy.
- Oh, really?
- Cheers!
- Cheers!
- Thank you, Dad.
- Cheers!
Cheers.
I'm curious about you two.
- How long have you known each other?
- Us two?
- I can...
- I'll answer.
Oh, okay.
Jocke and I met as young kids.
- Ah...
- Jocke...
Hold your horses a minute.
No, that's not true. Hmm?
No, we met in second year.
I was in love with
a beautiful girl... whom I got.
And you were after her friend.
- The one with the thighs. Remember?
- Yeah.
- So long ago. We were eight or...
- 15, 16?
Wasn't it second grade
in high school?
No, in primary school.
Ah.
Okay?
Forget what I said about the girls.
- Lars? More wine.
- Yes! Yes, please. Thank you!
Fill it up.
Fill it up.
Mum wants to have lunch
with me today.
Like dinner wasn't enough.
- What are you reading?
- A really interesting book
about how the Mexican cartel
launders their money.
Research for work.
Aha. How... do they do it?
Look, police in LA
seized 90 million dollars.
Imagine having so much money
you could buy an island,
leave everything, cut all ties...
Haven't you ever thought
about money like that?
Maybe...
...evacuate all of Iceland
and all the oil rigs.
This is the biggest natural disaster
Iceland has been involved in.
The entire island is being
evacuated as we speak.
The Ministry for Foreign Affairs
are looking for Swedes in the area,
and all flights in Europe...
No, no, no.
- Hey, Mum!
- My son!
- Is everything okay?
- Yes!
The volcano's far away.
But they're evacuating us, so I won't
be able to ring for a couple of days.
What's that smoke?
I've got my Swedish passport,
so they're taking good care of me.
Why did you have to go to Iceland?
We live in the world's best country.
Don't nag him.
It's good he's seeing the world.
- Make sure they feed you!
- I eat, Dad.
You look like Swedes
that do yoga and stuff.
They're calling me, I have to go.
I'll call you soon.
I love you.
- ...invalid bills...
- How nice we had time for lunch.
It's been so long.
Isabelle, I really want to talk
to you about something.
Look at this.
There is only information
about a Sebastian von Steinberg
from the last five years.
There's nothing before that.
Nobody registered under that name.
Nobody with that name
christened in Oscar's Church.
Nothing. Not even Facebook.
- Why do you always do this?
- What do you mean?
You've always got something
against guys I date.
- Why do you say that?
- When I was with Daniel,
you criticised his choice of career.
- But then...
- When he succeeded, then it was fine.
You're not Leif G.W. Persson!
No, but I could have been.
I love Sebastian,
and I'm going to marry him.
- Daniel, he was...
- Daniel was unfaithful.
He was wonderful.
Something feels totally wrong.
What do you really know
about Sebastian?
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'm... Tan from the restaurant was
going to ring. I was going to buy...
Who's Tan?
Ah, you're... not selling anything?
What?
Fuck. Fucking Tan.
Sorry for disturbing you.
I apologise.
I got you! Tan's a friend.
Come in, come in.
I prepared the goods
and put them on the table here.
It's prime quality direct
from Colombia. We just got it in.
You're getting a damn good price.
200 kilos of Colombian powder.
You can easily sell it for double.
Okay. How do we do this?
I have a bill counter here, so...
I'm sorry... they're the old bills...
If you can get 200 kg of coke,
you should be able to exchange these.
No, I'm sorry, there's too much
demand for the new bills, you know.
But... do you want
a taste test, perhaps?
A little goodie bag, maybe?
I'm fine. Thanks.
So illegal Real crazy
Habibi She's a ten
A classic. I love it when he sings:
Mamacita Habibi
- I have to tell you something.
- Good shit. I'll make you a playlist.
- Babe, I have to tell you something.
- Habibi
I...
It's nothing, it's just the wedding.
The unicorns I wanted to have...
- They've got a stomach bug, so...
- That doesn't matter.
We'll get new horses,
glue on some wings.
- You just got a message.
- From who?
I don't know. Some "Tan."
- What does "Bolle" mean?
- "Fuck," in Danish.
- Okay...
- I don't know, it's spam. I get...
- Spam?
- I get them sometimes.
- Like a telemarketer?
- Exactly.
- And in Danish, and I...
- Why do they ask if you want to fuck?
- I don't know.
- Have you looked at porn?
What? No. I haven't...
- Looked at porn? No.
- It's totally fine. Everyone does it.
- Do you?
- Yeah, sometimes.
But never on my phone.
It's such a small screen.
No...
Is it now I find out
about your dark past?
That you love gangbangs
and taking drugs?
I didn't take drugs...
But...
Come on, I'm joking!
Okay.
But in high school, I experimented
a bit with rim jobs
and glory holes and stuff.
But that was then.
I'm joking again!
- Okay.
- I love you.
No saliva.
- Hey!
- Hey!
Hey.
- Have you been waiting long?
- No, we just got here.
- Hey, Bella Boo!
- Hey, Danny Boo Boo!
Oh, Sebastian, I invited Daniel too.
How nice.
I don't know if you know each other.
Well, everyone knows Daniel.
- Hey, Daniel. Call me Danny.
- Okay.
Danny fucking Saucedo,
Sweden's mother-in-law's dream.
Danny is really everything
I want to be.
- Sebastian.
- You look lovely.
Blonde, has hips that can move,
can sing, has cred,
seen as a Suedi
but is a Pole/Bolivian.
Like Miklo in Blood In Blood Out.
Isabelle and Danny were together
for six years before she and I.
Congratulations on the engagement.
Wow.
As soon as I heard, I sat
at the piano to write a little piece.
I thought I could perform it
at the wedding, if that's okay.
- First dance?
- Yes!
You look so good!
So wonderful together!
Bro, in the hood,
an ex is like a minefield.
Like a tax return.
You sign and know it exists
but don't want to see it
or have anything to do with it.
But Suedis,
they can go on holiday together
or share a studio apartment
with a single bed for three.
It's weird, brother.
- Thanks, we'll think about the song.
- No, we don't need to.
- No, Daniel is like family to us.
- Aw, thanks, mother-in-law.
Sorry I still call her mother-in-law.
She'll always be my mother-in-law.
Daniel, of course.
- We haven't really gotten there yet.
- No, we haven't.
I'll never forget when I first heard
"Heart on Fire", Daniel.
I had tears in my eyes,
it was so beautiful.
It was as though you'd written
directly to Isabelle.
I felt I needed to express myself.
We had something so special.
- Something very spiritual.
- We did.
You should book Daniel
for the wedding.
- He's great.
- Okay.
Birgitta, can you tell us about
your friend and the bank?
- We want to invest a bit.
- Where was I? Oh, yes!
Lucas Urwitzler, our good friend
whom we go to the Alps and ski with.
He owns Riksgta Bank.
I had lunch with him the other day.
He told me the bank hasn't really
gotten back on its feet
after the financial crisis.
So they're looking for investors.
And we're a little bit interested,
aren't we, Lars?
Yeah, yes.
Your mother's itching
for some new investments.
I've turned many companies.
- How much capital does your friend...
- What did you say? That...?
How much capital
does your friend need?
About 30-40 million.
But it's urgent. The company's
bleeding and they want cash.
Of course.
Good lord, is that a beggar,
here on Strandvgen?
An EU immigrant, darling.
It looks like she wants
to talk to us.
- Maybe she wants an autograph.
- She's got a folder.
- Is she a Jehovah's Witness?
- Yvonne!
It's my aunt, Yvonne!
Is he kidding?
- Hi!
- Hi!
- What are you doing here?
- Research!
I've got your stermalm brochure.
I'm on my way to Melanders Fish,
for a field trip,
but I can't find Shuttamana...
Schuterman. But give me that.
You can research later.
Come in and say hello
to my fiance's family, okay?
That jacket is illegal.
You're super rich,
you're my only aunt,
don't overact, let me do the talking.
- Okay? Okay.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Fun!
This is my aunt, Yvonne.
Yvonne, this is my fiance, Isabelle.
This is her dad, mum, sister,
her boyfriend, and... Danny Boo Boo.
- So nice to get to meet you.
- Thanks, you too. Lovely.
In Hebrew,
we say "shaboom" to brides-to-be.
- I thought it was "shalom"?
- No, "shaboom."
Okay, shaboom. Fun, thanks!
- Hey, Lars. Nice to meet you.
- Thanks, you too! How nice!
Have a seat.
- What are you doing?
- It's my character!
- So, do you live nearby?
- Oh, yes.
stermalm's Square 4.
It's so nice and close to everything.
- I'll take a glass of white wine.
- Of course.
CALL ME
HORNY & WANNA FUCK / TAN
I was just on my way
to Melanders Fish.
I think they're so nice.
And I know them very well.
- Oh?
- Mm.
Erik Molinder is
my childhood friend.
- We meet up every Friday at Riche.
- Really? How nice.
- Say hello from Yvonne von Steinhof.
- Steinberg.
Yes, exactly... Steinberg.
Birgitta, can you tell us more
about your friend's bank?
I think my aunt and I might be
interested in investing a little.
- Oh, might we?
- Yes, aunt, we might be.
We have an opportunity here
to be part owners of a bank.
Well. That sounds expensive. But...
How much are we talking about? Money.
30-40 million.
Wow.
30-40 million Swedish kronor?
Mm, Birgitta, do you think
you can set up a meeting?
- Of course, I can ring him next week.
- No!
Or, I mean...
I'd like to have the meeting
as soon as possible,
since the wedding is so soon.
- And my aunt's memory, you know.
- Oh, Sebastian.
You surprise me.
You're a hungry bastard.
You're a hustler, you could say.
Like they say over there.
Almost like Ludde. Almost!
Cheers to love!
- Cheers!
- Cheers.
Thank you.
- Hold on.
- God! Sorry!
Not a problem at all!
This is a fake Gucci
I bought from Hamza in Fittja.
- Ow, cheers!
- Cheers.
NO MOPEDS
Someone's messing with me.
- Bella Boo. Danny Boo Boo!
- Are you jealous?
No. Bella Boo?
- You have nothing to worry about.
- Oh, nice!
I love you, and only you.
Danny's an important part of my life
and means a lot to me.
I had an intense, wild relationship,
but I don't want that anymore.
- Wild and intense?
- You know what I mean.
Yes, but wait, there they are!
Lots of mental images.
You're so silly.
I had a life before you.
But it's not the life
I want to live now.
I want to live with you now.
Fuck, she's amazing.
I have to tell her.
She deserves the truth.
But, hey? Now I've got
the chance to own a bank.
I'll tell her right after.
Everything sounds better
when you own a bank.
Yvonne!
- Looking good!
- Thanks.
- I'm nervous.
- Why?
Why? We're going to fake-buy a bank!
- We're not fake-buying it.
- What?
- Hey.
- Hey! Welcome to Riksgta Bank.
Thank you very much. Sebastian von
Steinberg to meet Lucas Urwitzler.
Yes! Take a seat
and he'll be right out.
Thank you so much.
TWO DAYS LEF TO EXCHANGE YOUR OLD BILLS
Sebastian! So good you could make it.
This is my dear friend.
Lucas Urwitzler.
- Hey.
- Good day.
This is my son-in-law-to-be
and his aunt, Yvonne von Steinberg.
Nice to meet you!
Steinberg? Yom Tov?
Oh, Hebrew, it...
I apologise,
but I have forgotten my Hebrew.
- Ah, you've forgotten your Hebrew.
- Which is a shame, I know.
- Of course not. But, shall we?
- Of course.
Yvonne von Steinberg?
I recognise you.
From TV, perhaps?
I've done a lot of commercials.
Mostly for fun.
I see. Interesting!
It's fun to do different things
in life. Nice.
- Wow, that's a lot of money!
- The new bills from the reserve bank.
They smell so good.
- It'll be good.
- I think so.
Great, Anders, really.
- Super.
- Thanks.
Yep.
Like I said, so...
Tan Younus.
QX...
Water?
- No, thank you.
- Yes, I'd love some water.
I don't know how much you know,
but we used to be one
of Sweden's most successful banks.
- Wow.
- But now...
I understand.
Lucky that people like us
come along and help out.
- Yes.
- I'll get straight to the point.
- Mm?
- If we invest 30 million,
how many shares would that buy us?
- 15%.
- 15%?
- With 15%...
- I think...
- that my aunt and I are sold. 15%.
- Are we?
- Yes, we are, aunt.
- Great!
Greger, my colleague,
is in Mallorca playing golf, but...
- And he's the one with the paperwork.
- We're only interested in buying now.
Preferably today, latest tomorrow
morning. And we're paying cash.
- Cash?
- Yeah.
I'm sorry,
I don't think that's really possible.
Lucas, I can pay cash now.
And we can sort out the papers later.
I trust you. It's Birgitta...
- It's money! He's paying cash!
- Yes, but...
It has to go through Greger.
Can no one else take the money,
and we can sign later?
No. The earliest we could do
something would be in a week, maybe.
But we're very interested
in doing business with you.
Both of you!
- Yes.
- Yes.
What do you think?
Shall we resume in a week?
Absolutely.
Okay, I'd like
to negotiate my salary.
- I want 12,000 per day.
- 12,000?
Yes. According to the Theatre Union.
Forget it.
- You can have 2,000.
- No, no. Then I'll send an invoice.
This isn't
a low-budget production anymore.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- I need to talk to you.
- Me too.
- Good, since...
- Why didn't you say anything?
I've wanted to, but...
- My whole life, I've...
- You've known, your whole life?
Yes.
Who knows, maybe we can get through
this with professional help.
I will get help, but I wanted
to talk to you about it first.
It's okay.
I mean it.
That's so good to hear.
- Wow.
- I love you the way you are and...
You're looking for something else,
or in another form, at least, and...
I can't give you that.
But I'm not judgmental.
I've read lots
of articles about this.
You know, when you're bored
and just scroll...
And I don't remember everything,
and a lot is behind paywalls, but...
Yeah, I know the ones...
It's very normal for straight guys
to experiment with other guys, and...
Whoa, whoa! Wait!
What do... Straight men...
What are you trying to say?
Your boyfriend, Tan.
- Tan?
- Mm.
- My boyfriend?
- Yes.
No, no! Tan's not my boyfriend.
Who said... Did he say that?
Fucking Tan.
Listen, Tan's a joker, okay?
And he crosses the line a lot!
He makes sexist jokes,
not always politically correct.
I don't think it's okay.
It's old fashioned and lame, really.
He claims he says those things
because he's nervous,
but it's not okay.
And Tan is definitely not
my boyfriend. God, no. No way.
- No.
- So... you haven't been cheating?
No!
Okay.
Or, in a way, you could...
Come.
I, uh...
A couple of friends and I found
90 million kronor a few years ago.
What do you mean, "found"?
I know it sounds crazy,
but I swear it's true.
We were out jogging one day,
I fell, and we found 90 million.
- Why not put it back?
- We thought of that first.
But what would you have done if you
found 90 million and needed money?
- These friends, who are they?
- They moved abroad.
I stayed because I really wanted
to buy a new identity, I...
I wanted to be accepted as Swedish,
stop getting judgmental comments,
and everything was going great until
the plan to exchange all the bills.
My real name is Mahmod Aziz.
I was born and raised in Sollentuna.
I have no Italian great-grandmother.
My parents moved
to Sweden from Kurdistan.
I wanted to tell you before,
I promise, but I haven't known how...
How could I explain?
I promise.
I haven't lied to you about my love.
Or who I am in here.
- Isabelle, please, wait!
- Who the hell are you?!
Why haven't you been honest from
the start? I'm marrying a stranger!
If I were honest,
you wouldn't have looked at me!
If I met you in the bar as Mahmod
Aziz, you wouldn't have looked at me!
To start with, I wouldn't
have been let in by security!
That's reality!
Not just our appearance!
As soon as we say our name...
It's been like this for 30 years.
For 30 fucking years.
Stereotypes and a feeling
of never fitting in!
I don't want to be a victim!
So I did something about it!
I don't judge people!
I know not everyone, including you,
judges people,
but we all have our preconceptions.
If I'd come up to you at the bar
and said:
"How's it goin'?
Lemme buy you lunch, babe."
Isabelle, you'd have grabbed
your pepper spray and ran away!
But you don't talk like that.
I paid 18,000 for a dialect coach.
He was really nice, he helped me
get rid of my Rinkeby Swedish.
And your aunt? Who was that?
And these friends?
Who were they?
Actors.
Actually, advanced extras
from extra.se.
My God.
You invited strangers into our home?
No! I haven't invited strangers
into our home!
I ran a background check on them!
- They don't know my real identity.
- Which is?
- Where's your real family?
- Sollentuna.
They think I'm in Iceland,
but the island was evacuated
due to a volcanic eruption,
so Foreign Affairs
is apparently looking for me.
My God!
- Your turn.
- My turn.
What's your favourite
and most regular sexual fantasy?
Let me see...
- Oh, I know. It's...
- Just a minute.
No, come on.
Hey, sweetie.
No, we're at Strandvgen 1,
having a cocktail.
Oh.
Of course you can stay at our place,
you know that.
No problem. Dad can unlock the door
with his phone, he's got an app
that unlocks the car and the boat
and the doors.
See you in the morning, sweetie.
Sleep well. Bye.
Hey, should we go to a hotel?
Continue the question game?
No, we have to go home
and look after Isabelle.
- It's just getting fun.
- We have a daughter who needs us.
Give it a rest. They've had a fight.
It's wedding fever.
He's not good for her,
and we both know that.
Who is good enough for Isabelle?
Here's another cocktail.
- There.
- Thank you.
And some champagne.
- Did you sleep well?
- Mm.
Mum, I'm almost 32. Isn't it time to
turn this room into something else?
I know, I'm not the type
to say sorry first.
- But that's what's made me who I am.
- Mm.
I can understand why
you like Sebastian so much.
I saw him at the bank, and he is...
He's eager, he's direct, he's
solution-oriented, and he means well.
You had Danny before,
and he was fantastic.
Beautiful, good posture,
hips that move...
But, anyway.
When I saw you came home
after meeting Sebastian,
I think it was the first time
I'd seen you genuinely happy.
Thank you, Mum.
Damn it!
Tan?
Your doorbell is broken, man!
I know, I'll fix it.
Why are you here?
Shit, I can't get Chinese yen.
Here's your money.
Sorry, bro, but I don't have contacts
for exchanging money.
I think Isabelle has left me.
Are you kidding? Was it because
of my texts and calls and stuff?
I told her I was
Sebastian von Steinberg.
- What the fuck is that, bro?
- It's me.
- No...!
- Yeah.
- No, you're Mahmod!
- I lied and told people I'm Sebastian
- so people would see me as Swedish.
- What a fool. You went too far!
Like Suedis like to say.
Dude, we are Swedish!
I feel like a Swede.
I get goosebumps
when the national anthem plays!
- Me too.
- You and I love Sweden!
And if anyone attacked,
we'd cut out their tongues.
Straight away! You know?
But, bro, we have many names.
New Swedes,
second generation immigrants.
But, bro, in the end, we're Suedis!
- Do you love her?
- I'd die for her!
You'd die for her?
Then you have to tell her that!
Go to her dad, give him dates,
and ask for her hand!
They're Swedish.
They don't need dates.
Brother, she doesn't want you
for your money
or because you go around saying
you're Sebastian-Mebastian.
She's not in love
with a name or hair colour.
In here!
Say sorry and stuff, and tell her
you'll live together in Sollentuna!
And I swear, brother,
you'll get IP-TV.
With 9000 channels, brother, from me.
As a wedding present. I swear, bro!
You're wearing the hood's national
uniform. Wear it with pride, bro!
- Sebastian! Hey! Oops!
- What the hell are you doing here?
We need to talk about my character.
The dinner.
I thought I delivered a character
with depth, warmth and charm.
But I have to say
that you didn't really do your part.
- Okay, I have to go.
- It's important we bond for real.
- Next time, we're seamless...
- There's no next time, okay?
- What?
- Long story!
- But there's no next time or wedding.
- You can't kill my character now!
Don't you get it?
I've started developing him!
Fuck Sebastian, okay? I'm Mahmod.
Mahmod Aziz from Sollentuna!
- There! You have acting within you.
- I don't want to act!
I don't want to be someone...
Oh, shit! Sorry!
Brother, salam aleikum.
What?
DARLING
Isabelle, I'm glad we could meet
and discuss
the association's decision.
Sandra will make some notes
during the meeting.
- Yes.
- Mm.
So, after careful consideration,
the association has decided who will
be promoted from assistant prosecutor
to chamber prosecutor.
Your qualifications are outstanding.
I loved your report on money
laundering in the US, for example.
But...
Along with the association,
we believe Anders Jnsson
has been proactive and is simply
a more appropriate candidate.
So you'll have
to apply again next time.
I think it will be in six months.
- That's that.
- Wait a minute, sorry.
What's the difference
between Anders and me?
We've worked here
the exact same amount of time.
He earns more than I do, but other
than that, what's the difference?
Yes, well... the difference...
I understand you're sad.
You feel disappointed.
But you've got to pick yourself up.
- Pick myself up?
- Mm.
I've had the same position and pay
for almost three years.
I've got the qualifications,
and you know that.
Yes. This was decided based on
several different parameters.
We've considered them and made
an evaluation, and our... decision...
Our decision is final.
I'm so tired of this old,
fucking, dick system!
This fucking circle-jerk
and nepotism, assistant-fucking,
fucking work drinks!
Parameters?! Jesus Christ!
Fuck parameters!
- Bengt, call security!
- We have to crush the patriarchy!
- We need security!
- Crush the boys' club!
Fucking fight together!
We run the fucking world, bitches!
Tan, not now, I'm not up for it.
Hi.
I thought I...
I've tried to reach you all day.
I wanted to see you to say
that I don't care about the money.
It means nothing.
What's important is that I met you.
Just tell me, did you lie about
anything apart from your name?
- No, that's what I mean, I...
- Just answer, yes or no.
Did you find the money?
- Yes.
- Are you wanted?
No.
Listen...
I've been thinking.
Maybe you're right.
I probably wouldn't
have noticed you in that bar.
I have never experienced
the type of alienation
that I can imagine you have.
But I understand it.
And...
In a way I understand
why you did what you did.
But it's not an excuse
for lying to me.
I'm sorry.
Isabelle, please,
can we just start over?
No, I can't take you back,
just like that.
But... I'm not prepared to lose
the 15 million in my basement.
It's not 15 million,
it's more like 30.
Yes, but we'll split it.
I'll help you launder the money.
We split it 50/50.
What happens with us,
we'll deal with that later.
Isabelle, you can have all the money.
No. Fair's fair. This is Sweden.
We split it and go our separate ways.
How will we launder the money?
We'll stage a robbery
at a cash depot at Arlanda.
- We're gonna what?
- Mhm.
Listen, we're gonna commit a robbery
that isn't a robbery,
we're just exchanging the bills.
So it's not a robbery,
and if we get caught,
it's for breaking and entering
or attempted robbery.
But we won't get caught.
We're just exchanging the bills.
Right? Smart?
Fast cash!
- Stop saying "cash" like an American.
- What? It's called cash.
Yes, but this is for real, okay?
It's not gonna work.
Yes, for real.
We just need uniforms.
Uniforms?
- The masquerade gang.
- No, no.
No, we're not robbing
anyone or anything.
Now I know how we'll do it.
What will we do?
We'll break in to Yngve's place.
- Our neighbour?
- He's an ex-fire chief.
I'm sure he's got some old fireman
uniforms laying around, right?
This is just getting more and more...
- Why wouldn't we rent uniforms?
- Because then they can trace us.
Okay?
Okay.
Good. But first...
Can you please throw out
all your patterned taco socks.
Who the hell has that in the hood?
This is great.
The eyes are great.
Are they your real eyes?
Nice.
Hey.
I brought a screwdriver.
In case he resists, I'll...
Hey, we're not gonna hurt him.
Is that too much?
Alright, I'll leave it.
Yalla, Mahmod, let's go.
Wait, we need code names.
- I'm Orup.
- Why Orup?
It's short, it's easy.
Orup, Bono, the Pope, Madonna.
And I think it's kinda cool
that he was chased by wolves.
- I'll take Kim Kardashian.
- Too long.
Lady Gaga.
Gago?
Gogu?
Gaga!
Okay.
Alright, let's do this.
Hey, okay.
- Wait.
- No, what are you doing?
- I'll use this.
- No, stop now!
- What are you doing?
- Wait.
Back up.
- What's that attitude?
- What did I do?
Don't do that.
Fuck, I'm sorry!
Sorry, I didn't mean to.
Honey, I mean Sebastian,
I mean, I'm sorry, Mahmod, Orup.
I didn't know Yngve the Cheapskate
had bulletproof glass. I'm sorry.
- Okay.
- I'm sorry.
- Okay?
- Yeah, do it.
- You chose the wrong house!
- Yngve, don't shoot!
- It's Sebastian, don't shoot!
- Sebastian? Isabelle?
- Why are you here so late?
- Hey, Yngve.
We were gathering the leaves at home
but realised we don't have a rake.
- We thought we might borrow the rake.
- This late?
It was windy.
We have leaves everywhere.
Exactly,
and Isabelle has compulsions.
We need to gather all the leaves
in a garbage bag
- or she can't sleep at night.
- Oh, right, okay...
I've just bought a new toy
you can borrow. Wait here.
Orup, this is the worst attempted
robbery of my entire life.
- I said it was a bad idea, let's go.
- No, wait.
We put a plastic bag over his head,
kidnap him,
hang him up in the garage,
waterboard him, and then we take
the ransom and exchange it.
Okay, fine, it was just
an idea, Jesus.
Here! Bosch ALS 25.
The best electric leaf blower
on the market.
- There you go.
- Wow.
It'll take you ten minutes
to clear out your yard.
- Wow, we'll return it right after.
- Yeah.
- Yngve...
- Yes.
We were wondering if you've got
fireman outfits we could borrow?
- Tonight.
- Okay, and what for?
- Because...
- Sebastian really likes role play.
Role play.
Do you want to whole suit,
or just the top, or...?
- I was thinking the whole thing.
- The whole thing.
Right, one moment.
- Role play? Seriously?
- You started with the compulsions.
Mental illness is nothing to be
ashamed of. This is embarrassing!
There you go. Here are the heirlooms.
- Wow.
- Be careful.
- What an honour.
- Thank you.
We'll return them
as soon as we're done.
And when will that be?
- Friday?
- Friday.
We'll call it Friday.
Otherwise I'll have to take
a late fee of 250 kronor per day.
Of course.
Thank you so much.
- Sweet dreams.
- Good night.
So, Friday, then. Have fun.
We'll never pull off
robbing Arlanda cash depot.
Nobody's scared of you anymore.
You've become Swedish.
Yes, they're the new bills
from the Reserve Bank.
Why didn't I think of that before?
- We can just exchange them.
- What?
- I know a place with new bills.
- Where?
Riksgta Bank, Lucas' bank.
They had a vault full of bills.
I remember he said they got new bills
from the Reserve Bank.
Yes!
And they only had one guard,
and few staff.
That's so brilliant I'm almost having
an orgasm. Like a fountain.
A figure of speech.
Well, they had a fountain.
I mean a guard.
- One guard and few staff.
- Yes! Fuck, that's great.
We're geniuses.
We can't get caught for anything
serious if we don't have weapons.
And if we get caught, it's just
like society says it should be.
You're Mahmod,
a criminal immigrant from Sollentuna
without the privilege
of a white Swede.
You'll do a few years
for breaking and entering.
That's depressing, but it's reality.
- Yes.
- And you?
I'll be fine,
I'll just say you forced me.
That it's in your cultural heritage
that women obey men.
- You'll use that?
- Of course.
Hey... Nothing's gonna happen.
I promise. Okay?
We have at least three minutes
before the police arrive.
Okay.
How do you feel about free passes?
- Huh?
- Free passes.
That you can sleep with someone else.
Why do we have to talk about that
when we're doing this?
It's usually
a celebrity or something.
- When you're married?
- Yes.
No, where I'm from
there are no free passes.
If you meet a girl,
you're with her for life.
Okay.
- Why, do you have a free pass?
- Carola.
- Carola?
- Mm.
- Carola, Carola?
- Yes, Carola, Carola.
I mean...
So fucking hot.
I only want to sleep with you.
- Come on.
- Okay, let's do this.
- Seriously? Carola?
- Yes.
Think of one for yourself.
But not Carola, she's mine.
Okay.
There's a fire outside,
everybody needs to evacuate.
Evacuate now!
Can you hear me?
Come on, everybody out!
Drop everything, evacuate
the building, come on!
- What's going on?
- There's a fire.
Everybody needs to evacuate now.
- There's smoke outside.
- Fire!
- Fire!
- Evacuate!
- Fire!
- Everybody out, fire!
- Make sure the building is evacuated.
- Everybody out, there's a fire.
Everybody out!
- Open the vault.
- I can't do that.
- We have to, to save what's inside.
- There's no one inside.
- We have to save what's inside.
- The vault has its own...
Hey! Fuck Sebastian, goddammit.
Open it or I'll sit on your face so
you'll see things you've never seen.
Give me the fucking keys.
- Why did you push him?
- Me? I didn't do anything, you did.
Was it me? Is he dead?
I just wanted the keys.
Fuck, please tell me he's not dead.
Fuck, I've swallowed a black cat,
this money is cursed.
- Is he alive?
- He's alive.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
- Here, open.
- Am I...
- Come on now!
- Okay, okay.
Change my behaviour,
change my behaviour.
- Wait, where the fuck is the money?
- What? Are you joking?
This is where they were, I saw them.
We were just supposed
to switch bills.
Think, think, think!
Wait, you said three minutes.
They're already here!
- They're on their way!
- I guess I was wrong!
- I'm only human.
- You said three minutes.
- Shut up!
- Fuck!
- Check every box.
- There is nothing here!
Just old bills!
They gotta be here somewhere.
- Fuck, fuck, fuck!
- Come on!
This isn't happening.
We were just gonna exchange bills.
They're coming. I'll share a cell
with someone I don't know.
When I get out, I won't be myself.
Who are you talking to?
I stopped listening 50 minutes ago.
Dammit, somewhere...
- What the hell...
- What?
Euros!
You're thinking! Wow!
- Fucking great!
- I'll put our old bills back.
Fuck, this is great! I love the EU!
27, 28, 29, 30 million.
Here, put it here. There, put it in.
Grab the next one.
There.
Put it in, put it in.
Isabelle, what are you doing?
We're not criminals,
we won't take more than what we have.
Give me that, we'll put it back.
Isabelle?
Isabelle, give it back.
Isabelle.
Isabelle!
We're not.
No.
There.
- What are you doing?
- I'm tidying up.
Oh come on!
- Let's go.
- I'm coming.
Bloody hell. Wait!
Fucking hell! Fuck you!
Go, go, go!
Wait, where are you going?
- To the roof!
- The roof? Never!
- What does my psychologist say?
- Break your habits, lose the worry.
Come on!
We're coming in, I repeat,
we're coming in.
Oh shit!
Oh shit!
Oh shit!
I can't look down.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck!
Police!
We're looking for two people
dressed as...
Don't look down.
The police are almost here, come on.
- Okay.
- Don't look down.
- I can't!
- Focus!
Come on!
We're on the second floor.
Moving to the roof.
Police!
- You know I'm scared of heights.
- There's no time for this.
- You grew up in tower blocks!
- Here, go. I'm staying.
- Maybe I'm meant to get caught.
- Come on!
- Yes.
- No!
Do this for my sake.
For our sake.
Come. Take my hand.
- Careful.
- I've got you.
- Oh fuck.
- I've got you.
Unit 33, come in.
Door.
Requesting backup.
- 44, come in.
- We're going onto the roof.
Go!
Honey, warm saliva?
I'll never lie to you again.
You're everything to me.
As long as I breathe,
I'll be by your side.
I don't care if people know me
as Mahmod or Sebastian or Orup.
I'd die for you.
Come.
Bro, this is what they call
power couple numero uno.
Beyonc and Jay-Z
are small fries compared to us.
What's important is that Isabelle
and I will get wrinkly together.
My name is Mahmod Aziz,
and I'm a proud fucking Suedi!
The police have decided to close the
investigation of the strange robbery
that took place in
central Stockholm last week.
The police say that reason for this
is that the robbers actually left
the same amount that they took,
but in a different currency.
BRUSSELS
This is what the current 50 euro bill
looks like.
And this is what the new one
will look like.
To deal with all the black market
money in Europe,
the old bills will be invalid
in six months.
BRO
The police are here. You said three minutes!
They're almost in!
This is what you look like when
you realise you're totally fucked.
And you wonder,
why would I do something so idiotic?
Well, because you were trying
to be smart.
But deep inside, you know
you're actually not that smart.
But hey, I've gotten this far.
So, in some ways,
I'm a goddamn legend.
To tell this story right,
I have to start at the beginning.
The day I found 90 million kronor
and was finally considered Swedish.
A fucking Suedi.
My name is Mahmod Aziz.
I was born and raised in Sollentuna.
Malmvgen!
My parents were law students
who fought for democracy,
forced to flee
from Kurdistan to Sweden.
In Sweden, Mum worked in a factory,
Dad worked in waste management.
I have a sister who works as a dental
hygienist at Sollentuna Centre.
Hey, I've got respect for her
for brushing people's teeth.
She's married to a guy
whose parents are from Chile.
He's always talking about
human rights and stuff.
And he's always wearing
proper Swedish socks.
Multicoloured, you know.
In the hood, socks are either
black or white.
Why bother with stripes
or multicoloured? Anyway...
Even though my dad constantly nagged
me about being a doctor or a lawyer,
I became nothing.
I don't want to blame others, but we
were isolated from society. I swear.
Outsiders, you know.
Like when we went to town
and felt like visiting aliens.
- Why are you here today?
- Money.
- Why are you here today?
- Money!
- Why are you here today?
- Money!
I got a job at a call centre.
I used to change my name from Mahmod
to a more Swedish name
like Pontus, Anders or Johan
so I could sell more.
And it worked. I sold the most.
On the phone,
I could be someone else.
But outside the office,
I was always an outsider.
Members only.
And you have the wrong shoes.
It's Gucci, man.
Can you stand to the side
so I can let people through?
Welcome!
Though we were born in Sweden,
and had drunk more Swedish milk
than a Swedish calf,
we'd never been seen as Swedish,
or, for that matter,
gotten to feel Swedish.
We were like second-class citizens.
But we wanted to come
into the warmth.
Henke Larsson.
Children, after the match, we'll eat.
And Mahmod, if you stay in the room,
that would be great.
Yeah!
Why are you celebrating?
You're not Swedish.
Ever since,
I've had one single goal in life.
To not feel different. To be accepted
and seen as a regular Swede.
One day, I was out running
with Fat Bashir and Amir.
We thought, what do Swedes do?
They run.
- Hi!
- But they didn't acknowledge us.
Like usual.
They don't even look at us.
They didn't hear us.
That wasn't the craziest part
of that day.
What happened
in the forest was a miracle.
It was like someone looked down
and said:
Bro, this is going to be good.
I swear.
91.245 million blessings.
We laid low for three months
checking the news to see
if anyone was missing the money.
There was nothing.
Hey, if you'd found 90 million
kronor, what would you have done?
Bro, we knew exactly
what we'd do with it.
Fat Bashir went to Las Vegas and
married a stripper called Charmonell
or Hormonell or something.
He accidentally bet his 30 million
on number two in roulette and won.
30 times the money, so the hotel
offered him part ownership.
Amir, like all other thumb-ring dudes
with tattoos, went to Thailand.
With 30 million,
he could buy an island.
He said he never wanted
to come back to Sweden.
He said we'd never
be accepted as Swedes.
I told him he was wrong.
To be seen as Swedish,
we needed cash.
Which we had now.
I got blue contacts, a new hairstyle,
and I rented a house on Liding,
and bought a Volvo, of course.
And I changed my name from Mahmod
Aziz to Sebastian von Steinberg.
If you're getting a new name,
why not become a nobleman?
Like a count.
I told my neighbours I'd inherited
the money from my wealthy parents.
My dark hair? I said I had
an Italian great-grandmother.
Everyone loves pasta!
And to my real parents, who were
alive and still in Sollentuna,
I said I worked on an oil rig
outside Iceland.
I couldn't really save the money
in a bank.
So, just like Pablo Escobar,
I hid all my cash in various places.
If you know, you know.
I hired a spot in an office hotel
and started a consulting firm
so it would look like I had a job.
Consulting sounded good.
It's a broad area.
I paid several k
for a speech therapist,
and got rid of my so-called
"Rinkeby Swedish."
Goddammit!
I understand.
I took a course in Swedish
table manners, walking style,
and even embroidery.
And listen to this.
I started wearing patterned socks.
Bro, I sat like a Suedi.
I sighed like a Suedi, I ate like
a Suedi, I walked like a Suedi.
Man, I started thinking like a Suedi.
- Excuse me, I'm in labour.
- We actually queue in Sweden.
Unbelievable.
And now, when I finally
got into the club, I met her.
The woman who would make me
the happiest person in the world.
Her.
She made me whole, brother.
We were so alike, yet so different.
If she were a guy,
she'd have been exactly like me.
- Fuck it, you know what I mean.
- Hi! Isabelle.
Sebastian.
And now we've been together for
three years and we're still in love.
She's totally wonderful.
She's got a saliva phobia,
so we don't French kiss very often,
but that's fine.
She's an animal elsewhere.
You know what I mean.
A lady on the street,
a freak between the sheets.
Okay, some nights
she's a different person.
Role play, you know?
Yeah! Yeah!
I'd never felt like this
for any girl.
- Oh, damn.
- I'd die for her.
Isabelle Eliasson.
Congratulations, Isabelle.
She doesn't just make me laugh.
She's assistant prosecutor and maybe
soon chamber fucking prosecutor.
That's what I'm talking about!
Come on, babe! You can do it!
My psych says
break your habits, lose the worry!
I did it!
Great! I knew you would!
- You did it!
- Ow!
Honey?
I had the whole package, brother.
Volvo, house, dog.
Okay, no dog.
I never liked dogs or cats.
I don't think people from the hood
really like them.
Because they're afraid of them.
As Bashir says, fucking dogs.
Everything was how
I'd dreamed when I was little.
And I felt a sense of belonging.
I felt like Roy Fares pastries, and
everyone loves Roy Fares pastries.
Even Jimmie kesson loves
his pastries.
- Um... Sebastian?
- Mm.
- Um...
- What is it?
It's a leap year.
Sebastian von Steinberg...
Will you marry me?
Yeah, bro. It happened.
Apparently, in Sweden,
women can propose on leap years.
But bro, in the hood, it's never okay
for your girl to go down on one knee.
You can take me outta the hood,
but you can't take the hood outta me.
But... I was a Sebastian now.
Yes! Of course. I mean...
Thank you. Wow.
What a surprise...
- Congratulations!
- Thanks.
- I'll post the photo on Instagram.
- Which photo?
The photo the waitress took.
Your expression is priceless.
Look inside the ring.
Okay.
Sebastian Eliasson?
You know the feeling when you zone
out and see your life from above?
Like, from a drone?
That's how I felt.
In that millisecond.
First, she goes down on one knee, now
she wants me to take her last name.
Like, what the fuck?
I know, we've only talked
vaguely about it, but...
Sebastian Eliasson,
it sounds magical.
I know, but I think von Steinberg
sounds a bit magical too.
Let me think about it, okay?
Usually the woman
takes the man's last name.
Why would the woman take the man's
last name? I don't understand.
Because it's always been that way.
I think that tradition is nice.
- And the man has a responsibility.
- Oh.
The stone age called.
It wants its values back.
Have you been watching a bit too much
Handmaid's Tale lately?
Blessed be the fruit,
under his eye.
We can make up our own last name.
Look at Ola and Noomi Rapac.
- Rapace.
- Rapace? Are you sure?
I heard it was meant to be artistic
and French, like Rapac.
You know what?
Of course I'll take your last name.
Of course the man can take
the woman's last name, right?
You're lovely. 30 likes
in under 30 seconds. Unbelievable.
People love photos of us, we should
take more... I'll take more of us.
- Absolutely.
- Ghettofab comments,
with a crying/laughing emoji,
"What a Suedi,
letting his girl propose,
he looks like Mahmod
from Sollentuna."
#pussywhipped...
Mahmod?
- No idea...
- Ghettofab has a private account,
and the description,
"School of hard knocks."
Though my masculinity
had been crushed,
and someone might have
recognised me on social media,
this last name thing was the best
that could have happened.
The ultimate way
to be seen as Swedish.
Man and wife Eliasson.
Even proposed to. The best.
Fuck, I love her so much.
I want to plan the best,
most Swedish wedding.
It would be in our function hall
on Liding,
really Swedish, with a linoleum floor
and wooden wall panels.
I love that stuff.
So I ordered half a million red roses
to cover the walls with.
And booked Sarah Dawn Finer to sing.
Like she sang for the Crown Princess,
she should sing for my princess.
Roy Fares would bake
the wedding cake.
And I organised a unicorn.
Isabelle loved unicorns,
so we'd have lots of unicorns
welcoming guests at the venue.
It would be the coolest party
in Swedish history.
Bigger than the Nobel dinner,
not hard to top,
considering how Horace
fucked it all up.
You get it.
And cash? That wasn't a problem.
Everything for my darling.
Bro, I'd started yoga.
What can I say? You know,
like a real, inner-city Suedi.
I tried out
that Cobra position, when...
...maybe sitting at home,
flipping through
these 500 and 1000 krona bills,
which will soon be invalid.
It's the 30th of September
in two weeks.
There's a limit of 10,000 kronor,
and if you have more than that,
you have to report where the money is
from and preferably have the receipt.
Fuck.
So, if you have bills or coins at
home, make sure you exchange them...
How the fuck am I going to launder
30 million kronor
in less than two fucking weeks?
I collected all the money.
A total of fifty thousand
500 bills that would be
invalid in two weeks.
But it wasn't just me in trouble.
3.8 billion kronor is missing,
according to the reserve bank.
This is the last chance to exchange
the bills before they become invalid.
Run.
Sebastian?
There you are!
How's the spa going?
So so, actually.
I have to install new pipes.
It's a hell of a job, but...
- It'll be good.
- Hey?
- It happened today at work.
- What did they say?
I got an email from Sandra
who sits across from me, that said,
"Anders wants a job interview
with you tomorrow."
You'll become a chamber prosecutor.
- What do you think of this?
- It's really nice.
I have to make a good impression.
Have you called your best man?
- Jocke?
- Mm.
Yeah, I saw him and told him.
He was so happy.
- I thought he lived in New Zealand?
- He did.
But he moved home just recently.
You know what? You two have to meet.
I haven't met any of your friends.
It's so weird.
I know! It's just that most of them
moved abroad, and then...
You don't have many friends
as an adult.
You have your family
and your sister...
Erika was so happy when I asked
if she'd be a bridesmaid.
She's met some new guy
she wants to introduce us to.
- They're coming to the dinner.
- The dinner?
- Dinner with Mum and Dad.
- Right! The dinner!
Hey, why doesn't Joakim come
to dinner?
- Yes.
- Yes!
- He'll be so happy.
- That'll be great.
Can you go get the painting
we got from Mum,
- and hang it? It's in the garage.
- The garage.
Hey! What are you doing?
We're taking the table and chairs
included in the bridal package.
Why?
My boss says
you didn't pay the invoice.
No, that must be a misunderstanding.
I'll call Susanne.
I'm going or I'll be late to yoga.
Yeah, okay.
She doesn't like saliva.
Whatever, this is a misunderstanding.
I'll deal with it. Don't worry,
just think positive energy, okay?
Wow!
Okay, brother, listen.
I've given you 30 in cash, here's 10,
leave the chairs, okay?
- No, talk to my boss.
- Bro, listen.
- What are you doing, bro?
- No, that's not what I meant.
Get your hand off me.
I just wanted to get rid of
this hair here.
Just love. Listen,
I'll add 10 for this, if you want.
Leave the chairs, and...
- Be a bro.
- Bro?
Yeah, bro.
You're no bro.
You're a fucking Suedi, man.
Move and let me do my job.
Yeah, but, I'll go...
- There you go.
- Shit, are you for real?
- Hey, Sebastian? Something wrong?
- Hey, Yngve!
No, I ordered chairs,
and they've sent the wrong ones.
The wrong ones.
It's exhausting, this always happens.
You can take them back, guys.
Just pack them up.
I just wanted to remind you to pay
100 kronor for the venue.
- And provide your own crockery.
- Can I pay you right now?
Sure, I'm the treasurer
of the association.
- Here you are.
- Okay.
- Yeah, I know, they're invalid soon.
- I need a copy of your ID.
- For the venue booking.
- Absolutely.
- My ID card.
- You borrowed a rake from me.
On the... 10th of June.
I'd really like it back.
- Of course!
- Good, good.
Otherwise I'll be forced
to add a reminder fee.
Of 60 kronor.
Okay.
- I'm sorry, I can't accept cash.
- Please, this is my life savings.
You've booked the premium package
with extra chefs, eight-course meal,
an almost two-metre-tall cake,
and doves.
I know.
Here's the invoice.
Pay it with a bank transfer,
you'll get the furniture back.
Please, here's two million, cash.
No, pay the invoice.
You don't have to be nervous.
I read an email
that said he liked you.
- What did it say?
- It said, like, "I like Isabelle.
She's good."
Go in, now.
- Hi, Isabelle.
- Hi!
Take a seat there.
- You've been here for five years.
- Mm.
And... why do you think
you should be chamber prosecutor?
I have... all the merits necessary.
I love new challenges.
We've gotten some new guidelines
for this year.
We're going a bit harder on financial
crime and money laundering, and...
So I'm curious, what do you think
of that, and what can you contribute?
It's music to my ears. I want to work
with what I'm passionate about.
I've actually applied for a course
in transnational money laundering...
To get a global perspective.
I think it's a huge problem
that we need to get on top of.
Excuse me, I'm just a bit thirsty.
Are you okay? Are you feeling...
Just very thirsty.
You're a very inspiring person
to listen to and talk with.
And, God, a strong woman, truly.
The association...
The association will like that.
We'll be in touch.
So, there are multiple
different ways of laundering money.
The most efficient
and effective way is of course
to make it seem like the money
you're laundering
is coming from a legitimate source
like a regular business.
Anything that makes it
seem legal is fine.
I have too much energy, so I built
the whole damn house myself.
- By yourself?
- Yeah.
It's a 300 metre square living area,
this view,
and bulletproof glass
in the windows.
- These ones?
- Yep.
- I want 25 million for it.
- I'll pay cash.
DJ Tiesto did that too, actually,
when I rebuilt his house.
Okay.
I don't want to stick my nose
where it doesn't belong, but,
I suspect you're in the same
business? Are you a DJ?
- Exactly.
- Cool!
What's your name, then?
My name?
DJ Mahm... therfucker.
So, Motherfucker fucker.
- Heavy.
- I play a lot in Ibiza.
- Have you been there?
- A lot, actually.
Well, I didn't play there that much.
But whatever,
here's 15 million in advance.
You don't have dollars?
Dollars? We live in Sweden,
why would I have dollars?
These old bills are invalid soon.
I won't be able to exchange them.
- Are you saying no to 15 million?
- No, I didn't say that.
Put the money into your account,
and come back and I'll be able
to accept it the next day.
You'll be able to sell the fucking
place for 35 million, clean as snow.
You follow me?
Fuck. I'll deal with the cash later.
The wedding's in two weeks
and I have to get a fake family,
best man, and my own bachelor party.
So I start looking for people
on film extra websites.
Like I said,
my name is Sebastian von Steinberg,
and you're here
because I'm getting married.
I haven't had any close friends,
and my family died when I was young.
That's why I'm holding this casting.
I want people who can act
as my family and friends
at the wedding and bachelor party.
I don't do full nudity.
- No, no, no.
- Maybe some mild bondage, like...
50 Shades of Grey.
- Is it 300 kronor per day?
- Yes.
That's what you usually get as
extras, right? Or movie tickets.
I just think...
since there are lines as well,
- with the wedding and everything.
- How much do you want?
I have an ongoing discussion
with the theatre union,
and the going rate
is 990 kronor per day.
- No problem.
- Oh, good.
Yvonne, you get to play my aunt.
Okay?
The only family member I have left,
and her name is Yvonne von Steinberg.
Von Steinberg? That's Jewish, right?
I can play a Jew.
I know a bit of Hebrew.
I really like method acting.
I've just done a workshop.
That's not necessary. Just remember
that the name is almost noble.
You love your life in stermalm,
and you like bargain hunting
at Schuterman.
- What's that?
- An expensive store in stermalm.
Here's everything you need to know,
so read it thoroughly.
- Okay.
- But remember, you're from stermalm.
So your "s" has to sound a bit more
like "sh", and not "s". "Sh."
Undershtand.
The fish is from Melandersh.
- The fish is from Melandersh.
- The 'fissh', not the 'fishh'.
- Melanders, what's that?
- It's a restaurant in stermalm.
- Hey!
- Hey, there.
- Abbe.
- The picture was of a blond guy.
Ah! I'm standing
next to my boyfriend.
I thought it was a nice picture,
so that's why I chose it.
Isn't he cute?
Yeah, he's really cute. But, Abbe?
It's short for Abdullah.
Bro, in a Swedish production,
there's only room
for one immigrant.
You know how it is.
And in this production, it was me.
Abdullah, you'll get a
"Thanks, but no thanks," in an email.
- Andreas, right?
- Yeah.
You get to play my best man.
Your name is Joakim,
but people call you Jocke.
Yep. We went to school together,
and you get to plan
the bachelor party.
Yes!
Damn! Sorry, it's just so much fun.
I did this for real once
for a friend.
I planned the bachelor party.
And it ended with him
selling his kidney!
- Why?
- Because it was a bet.
And the alternative was being shot
in the balls with a paintball gun.
And he was like,
"No, no, I'll take the kidney!"
That's what you do
at a bachelor party.
The point is to degrade the groom
to the point where he...
- almost doesn't want to get married.
- I'll plan the bachelor party.
- I'd love to...
- No. I don't want you to.
- Okay.
- You... I don't recognise...
Sorry, that might be my fault.
This is my friend, Arben.
He doesn't talk much, but I thought
it could be good to have him around.
Is he deaf, or...?
No, I don't... think so.
Don't look him in the eye.
He can become a little violent,
so avoid that.
But he can be a lot of fun
if you get him going.
Okay, anyway!
Here's your first payment.
- There you go.
- These are invalid in two weeks.
Two whole weeks,
you'll have time to spend it.
- I'd like you to Swish it.
- I don't have Swish.
Then I'll send an invoice
through Freelance Finance.
- I'll do what she's doing.
- No problem, you too?
- No, it's fine. This is great.
- Awesome.
- Thanks for coming.
- You too.
Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- Hey, is Tan here?
Tan, they're looking for you!
You never work!
Mahmod! Bro! What's up?
When are we gonna ball?
What's that?
Have sex, in Danish.
Tan was an old friend
from Sollentuna.
He can sort anything.
You don't want to call Tan,
but he was my last resort.
- I'm just messing with you, bro.
- I want to talk to you.
Hey Carlos, I'm off.
You are so lazy! Go to work!
What's up, bro?
I have old bills I need
to exchange for new ones.
It's okay, my friend, walk easy.
Everything's cool, relax.
I need your help.
Brother, Mahmod, I swear,
you've become a real Suedi.
You're pathetic,
but you're still my brother.
- Can you help me?
- Do I look like a help line?
Do you think I know everything?
How much?
- One million.
- Sh!
Chaos...
Where did you get one million, bro?
I found... I mean I sold a boat.
I might be able to get you
one million in Chinese yen.
Yen? What am I supposed
to do with Chinese yen?
I'd love to cover you in oil
and lick you like a lollipop.
- Tan!
- Bro, you're not even my type, man.
So skinny, sad person, small noodle.
Can you help me or not?
You should buy cocaine and sell it.
You could even make a profit.
Elvira! You need people like me!
Tan!
Yeah, bro?
Bro, it's against God's will.
But there was a guy here earlier.
He was bragging
how he sorts things out.
How he makes deals left and right.
I got his number.
- I can send it.
- Send it.
- Send it, anything.
- No worries, bro.
Firm handshake, me like.
Nice of them
to send balsamic vinegar.
- Oh yeah, did you hang the painting?
- What painting?
The one Mum gave us.
I forgot, but it's in the garage.
Help me put it up quickly.
No, we're not talking about it.
It looks like
someone spilled ketchup on it.
Why are you coming in this way?
- I rang the doorbell for ten minutes.
- You were meant to come alone.
Why did you bring him?
It wasn't a good day
to leave him alone.
So... you don't need to pay for him.
- As long as he's quiet.
- Yeah...
Does it look like he's going to talk?
Don't stare.
- Hey there.
- Hi, honey.
This is Jocke, who I've talked about,
and this is his friend.
Arben. And I'm Jocke.
Wow.
You can call me Jocke.
And a kiss.
She's so lovely. You're so lovely.
Sebastian told me she's good-looking,
but not this.
- Well, thank you.
- Thank you.
And your name is Arben?
- Don't stare at him.
- Okay.
- Come on in.
- Wow... what a lovely painting.
Wow, it's got a feeling
of sorrow about it.
Goodness me, don't you know
the doorbell is broken up there?
How do you plan to greet your guests?
Will you do it here?
- I can probably fix the doorbell.
- It's not our problem to solve.
Don't worry, I'll fix the doorbell.
Hi, Lars.
- Hi, welcome.
- Thanks.
- Hi, Mum.
- Hi, darling.
Sorry about how we smell,
we caught public transport.
Please, Mum.
- Darling.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi.
- Oh, how lovely!
- Hi, Birgitta.
- The car is still being cleaned.
- Didn't you get a rental?
- It was Japanese.
I can't drive those strange cars.
It wasn't an option.
It was a Tesla, darling,
and it's not Japanese.
- What happened to yours?
- You don't know?
A rat got in through the exhaust pipe
and gnawed through the back seat
and attacked Birgitta
while she was driving.
It could have ended terribly.
Sorry, the mental image of the rat
attacking you, like a Gremlin.
Do you remember Gremlins?
Sorry.
Sebastian's good friends,
Joakim and Ruben, are here.
- Arben!
- Exactly.
- So, come in!
- Welcome.
- Look! It suits the spot.
- Yes.
Good day.
My name is Birgitta Eliasson.
Good day. My name is Joakim.
- This is Arben.
- Hello, Albert.
- Arben.
- Hi. My name is Lars.
He's... he speaks Swedish...
when he speaks.
- Hey, sis!
- Hello!
Do you know
your doorbell doesn't work?
- I volunteered to fix the doorbell.
- I'll fix it tomorrow.
Otherwise, just say, and I'll fix it.
We're family soon.
With emphasis on "soon".
- Everyone, this is Ludvig.
- Hey, there! Ludde.
- I just wanted to help.
- Hey, Sebbe. Or, Sebastian.
- Call me Sebbe, if you want.
- Hey, Birgitta!
- Did you sort out the fish?
- Yes, put it on a salt bed, the best.
- Ludde's a consultant too.
- I think I recognise you.
We might have met in a work context.
Yes, maybe...
- What area do you work in?
- Computers. And you?
Finance.
After college, I worked in the public
sector, but I've moved to the private
and enjoy life, so to say.
If you haven't done it,
you really must.
You should really invest
in a country house outside the city.
- We should invest in something.
- We should.
Erica has always
been good with money.
- Well! Should we go and eat?
- Yeah!
The salad was delicious.
What was the dressing?
Um, it was just
olive oil and balsamic vinegar.
You should try avocado vinaigrette.
It's got a bit of a fuller flavour.
- This was good, though.
- Mm.
Where are you from
originally, Sebastian?
Sweden.
- Sorry. Where are your parents from?
- Sweden.
Way back, the 1800s, Vallon.
I've got a great-grandmother
from Italy.
Oh, I love Italy!
- Italia!
- You really should visit.
Alesso, Ingrosso, espresso...
- So exotic.
- Prosciutto!
It's good, the ham.
Absolutely! A really nice
prosciutto, it's hard to beat.
- Yeah, it's good.
- Yeah.
I remember spending time with Aje
on the Amalfi Coast.
Wasn't that the time you got so sick?
When you'd eaten
that mouldy mozzarella?
Sure, but until then,
it was very pleasant.
Where did you grow up, Sebbe?
- Karlaplan.
- Oh, I thought it was Odenplan.
First, it was Karlaplan, then after
I was christened, it was Odenplan.
Which church
were you christened in, Sebbe?
Oscar's Church,
the same as Jocke, actually.
But... how did you two meet?
- Trender.
- What's that? A dating app?
Yeah, well, it's really an app
for people wanting a threesome,
but the other girl didn't show up...
Missing! But her loss, our win,
really. I got you.
- I love you.
- I love him.
You were going to have a threesome,
started talking, fell in love,
- and you went riding with Birgitta?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Well done!
Mum loves horses, so Ludde took her
on a little riding tour.
- Yes.
- Ludde...
- Isabelle? Ludde owns a stable.
- Aw.
I think an interest in horses
says a lot about a man.
What?
Horses are
absolutely fantastic animals.
I'd like to say a few words.
I'll save the speech for the wedding,
but I want to say that I think you...
You have such a lovely relationship.
You seem to have
so much that unites you.
- And that makes us very happy.
- Oh, really?
- Cheers!
- Cheers!
- Thank you, Dad.
- Cheers!
Cheers.
I'm curious about you two.
- How long have you known each other?
- Us two?
- I can...
- I'll answer.
Oh, okay.
Jocke and I met as young kids.
- Ah...
- Jocke...
Hold your horses a minute.
No, that's not true. Hmm?
No, we met in second year.
I was in love with
a beautiful girl... whom I got.
And you were after her friend.
- The one with the thighs. Remember?
- Yeah.
- So long ago. We were eight or...
- 15, 16?
Wasn't it second grade
in high school?
No, in primary school.
Ah.
Okay?
Forget what I said about the girls.
- Lars? More wine.
- Yes! Yes, please. Thank you!
Fill it up.
Fill it up.
Mum wants to have lunch
with me today.
Like dinner wasn't enough.
- What are you reading?
- A really interesting book
about how the Mexican cartel
launders their money.
Research for work.
Aha. How... do they do it?
Look, police in LA
seized 90 million dollars.
Imagine having so much money
you could buy an island,
leave everything, cut all ties...
Haven't you ever thought
about money like that?
Maybe...
...evacuate all of Iceland
and all the oil rigs.
This is the biggest natural disaster
Iceland has been involved in.
The entire island is being
evacuated as we speak.
The Ministry for Foreign Affairs
are looking for Swedes in the area,
and all flights in Europe...
No, no, no.
- Hey, Mum!
- My son!
- Is everything okay?
- Yes!
The volcano's far away.
But they're evacuating us, so I won't
be able to ring for a couple of days.
What's that smoke?
I've got my Swedish passport,
so they're taking good care of me.
Why did you have to go to Iceland?
We live in the world's best country.
Don't nag him.
It's good he's seeing the world.
- Make sure they feed you!
- I eat, Dad.
You look like Swedes
that do yoga and stuff.
They're calling me, I have to go.
I'll call you soon.
I love you.
- ...invalid bills...
- How nice we had time for lunch.
It's been so long.
Isabelle, I really want to talk
to you about something.
Look at this.
There is only information
about a Sebastian von Steinberg
from the last five years.
There's nothing before that.
Nobody registered under that name.
Nobody with that name
christened in Oscar's Church.
Nothing. Not even Facebook.
- Why do you always do this?
- What do you mean?
You've always got something
against guys I date.
- Why do you say that?
- When I was with Daniel,
you criticised his choice of career.
- But then...
- When he succeeded, then it was fine.
You're not Leif G.W. Persson!
No, but I could have been.
I love Sebastian,
and I'm going to marry him.
- Daniel, he was...
- Daniel was unfaithful.
He was wonderful.
Something feels totally wrong.
What do you really know
about Sebastian?
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'm... Tan from the restaurant was
going to ring. I was going to buy...
Who's Tan?
Ah, you're... not selling anything?
What?
Fuck. Fucking Tan.
Sorry for disturbing you.
I apologise.
I got you! Tan's a friend.
Come in, come in.
I prepared the goods
and put them on the table here.
It's prime quality direct
from Colombia. We just got it in.
You're getting a damn good price.
200 kilos of Colombian powder.
You can easily sell it for double.
Okay. How do we do this?
I have a bill counter here, so...
I'm sorry... they're the old bills...
If you can get 200 kg of coke,
you should be able to exchange these.
No, I'm sorry, there's too much
demand for the new bills, you know.
But... do you want
a taste test, perhaps?
A little goodie bag, maybe?
I'm fine. Thanks.
So illegal Real crazy
Habibi She's a ten
A classic. I love it when he sings:
Mamacita Habibi
- I have to tell you something.
- Good shit. I'll make you a playlist.
- Babe, I have to tell you something.
- Habibi
I...
It's nothing, it's just the wedding.
The unicorns I wanted to have...
- They've got a stomach bug, so...
- That doesn't matter.
We'll get new horses,
glue on some wings.
- You just got a message.
- From who?
I don't know. Some "Tan."
- What does "Bolle" mean?
- "Fuck," in Danish.
- Okay...
- I don't know, it's spam. I get...
- Spam?
- I get them sometimes.
- Like a telemarketer?
- Exactly.
- And in Danish, and I...
- Why do they ask if you want to fuck?
- I don't know.
- Have you looked at porn?
What? No. I haven't...
- Looked at porn? No.
- It's totally fine. Everyone does it.
- Do you?
- Yeah, sometimes.
But never on my phone.
It's such a small screen.
No...
Is it now I find out
about your dark past?
That you love gangbangs
and taking drugs?
I didn't take drugs...
But...
Come on, I'm joking!
Okay.
But in high school, I experimented
a bit with rim jobs
and glory holes and stuff.
But that was then.
I'm joking again!
- Okay.
- I love you.
No saliva.
- Hey!
- Hey!
Hey.
- Have you been waiting long?
- No, we just got here.
- Hey, Bella Boo!
- Hey, Danny Boo Boo!
Oh, Sebastian, I invited Daniel too.
How nice.
I don't know if you know each other.
Well, everyone knows Daniel.
- Hey, Daniel. Call me Danny.
- Okay.
Danny fucking Saucedo,
Sweden's mother-in-law's dream.
Danny is really everything
I want to be.
- Sebastian.
- You look lovely.
Blonde, has hips that can move,
can sing, has cred,
seen as a Suedi
but is a Pole/Bolivian.
Like Miklo in Blood In Blood Out.
Isabelle and Danny were together
for six years before she and I.
Congratulations on the engagement.
Wow.
As soon as I heard, I sat
at the piano to write a little piece.
I thought I could perform it
at the wedding, if that's okay.
- First dance?
- Yes!
You look so good!
So wonderful together!
Bro, in the hood,
an ex is like a minefield.
Like a tax return.
You sign and know it exists
but don't want to see it
or have anything to do with it.
But Suedis,
they can go on holiday together
or share a studio apartment
with a single bed for three.
It's weird, brother.
- Thanks, we'll think about the song.
- No, we don't need to.
- No, Daniel is like family to us.
- Aw, thanks, mother-in-law.
Sorry I still call her mother-in-law.
She'll always be my mother-in-law.
Daniel, of course.
- We haven't really gotten there yet.
- No, we haven't.
I'll never forget when I first heard
"Heart on Fire", Daniel.
I had tears in my eyes,
it was so beautiful.
It was as though you'd written
directly to Isabelle.
I felt I needed to express myself.
We had something so special.
- Something very spiritual.
- We did.
You should book Daniel
for the wedding.
- He's great.
- Okay.
Birgitta, can you tell us about
your friend and the bank?
- We want to invest a bit.
- Where was I? Oh, yes!
Lucas Urwitzler, our good friend
whom we go to the Alps and ski with.
He owns Riksgta Bank.
I had lunch with him the other day.
He told me the bank hasn't really
gotten back on its feet
after the financial crisis.
So they're looking for investors.
And we're a little bit interested,
aren't we, Lars?
Yeah, yes.
Your mother's itching
for some new investments.
I've turned many companies.
- How much capital does your friend...
- What did you say? That...?
How much capital
does your friend need?
About 30-40 million.
But it's urgent. The company's
bleeding and they want cash.
Of course.
Good lord, is that a beggar,
here on Strandvgen?
An EU immigrant, darling.
It looks like she wants
to talk to us.
- Maybe she wants an autograph.
- She's got a folder.
- Is she a Jehovah's Witness?
- Yvonne!
It's my aunt, Yvonne!
Is he kidding?
- Hi!
- Hi!
- What are you doing here?
- Research!
I've got your stermalm brochure.
I'm on my way to Melanders Fish,
for a field trip,
but I can't find Shuttamana...
Schuterman. But give me that.
You can research later.
Come in and say hello
to my fiance's family, okay?
That jacket is illegal.
You're super rich,
you're my only aunt,
don't overact, let me do the talking.
- Okay? Okay.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Fun!
This is my aunt, Yvonne.
Yvonne, this is my fiance, Isabelle.
This is her dad, mum, sister,
her boyfriend, and... Danny Boo Boo.
- So nice to get to meet you.
- Thanks, you too. Lovely.
In Hebrew,
we say "shaboom" to brides-to-be.
- I thought it was "shalom"?
- No, "shaboom."
Okay, shaboom. Fun, thanks!
- Hey, Lars. Nice to meet you.
- Thanks, you too! How nice!
Have a seat.
- What are you doing?
- It's my character!
- So, do you live nearby?
- Oh, yes.
stermalm's Square 4.
It's so nice and close to everything.
- I'll take a glass of white wine.
- Of course.
CALL ME
HORNY & WANNA FUCK / TAN
I was just on my way
to Melanders Fish.
I think they're so nice.
And I know them very well.
- Oh?
- Mm.
Erik Molinder is
my childhood friend.
- We meet up every Friday at Riche.
- Really? How nice.
- Say hello from Yvonne von Steinhof.
- Steinberg.
Yes, exactly... Steinberg.
Birgitta, can you tell us more
about your friend's bank?
I think my aunt and I might be
interested in investing a little.
- Oh, might we?
- Yes, aunt, we might be.
We have an opportunity here
to be part owners of a bank.
Well. That sounds expensive. But...
How much are we talking about? Money.
30-40 million.
Wow.
30-40 million Swedish kronor?
Mm, Birgitta, do you think
you can set up a meeting?
- Of course, I can ring him next week.
- No!
Or, I mean...
I'd like to have the meeting
as soon as possible,
since the wedding is so soon.
- And my aunt's memory, you know.
- Oh, Sebastian.
You surprise me.
You're a hungry bastard.
You're a hustler, you could say.
Like they say over there.
Almost like Ludde. Almost!
Cheers to love!
- Cheers!
- Cheers.
Thank you.
- Hold on.
- God! Sorry!
Not a problem at all!
This is a fake Gucci
I bought from Hamza in Fittja.
- Ow, cheers!
- Cheers.
NO MOPEDS
Someone's messing with me.
- Bella Boo. Danny Boo Boo!
- Are you jealous?
No. Bella Boo?
- You have nothing to worry about.
- Oh, nice!
I love you, and only you.
Danny's an important part of my life
and means a lot to me.
I had an intense, wild relationship,
but I don't want that anymore.
- Wild and intense?
- You know what I mean.
Yes, but wait, there they are!
Lots of mental images.
You're so silly.
I had a life before you.
But it's not the life
I want to live now.
I want to live with you now.
Fuck, she's amazing.
I have to tell her.
She deserves the truth.
But, hey? Now I've got
the chance to own a bank.
I'll tell her right after.
Everything sounds better
when you own a bank.
Yvonne!
- Looking good!
- Thanks.
- I'm nervous.
- Why?
Why? We're going to fake-buy a bank!
- We're not fake-buying it.
- What?
- Hey.
- Hey! Welcome to Riksgta Bank.
Thank you very much. Sebastian von
Steinberg to meet Lucas Urwitzler.
Yes! Take a seat
and he'll be right out.
Thank you so much.
TWO DAYS LEF TO EXCHANGE YOUR OLD BILLS
Sebastian! So good you could make it.
This is my dear friend.
Lucas Urwitzler.
- Hey.
- Good day.
This is my son-in-law-to-be
and his aunt, Yvonne von Steinberg.
Nice to meet you!
Steinberg? Yom Tov?
Oh, Hebrew, it...
I apologise,
but I have forgotten my Hebrew.
- Ah, you've forgotten your Hebrew.
- Which is a shame, I know.
- Of course not. But, shall we?
- Of course.
Yvonne von Steinberg?
I recognise you.
From TV, perhaps?
I've done a lot of commercials.
Mostly for fun.
I see. Interesting!
It's fun to do different things
in life. Nice.
- Wow, that's a lot of money!
- The new bills from the reserve bank.
They smell so good.
- It'll be good.
- I think so.
Great, Anders, really.
- Super.
- Thanks.
Yep.
Like I said, so...
Tan Younus.
QX...
Water?
- No, thank you.
- Yes, I'd love some water.
I don't know how much you know,
but we used to be one
of Sweden's most successful banks.
- Wow.
- But now...
I understand.
Lucky that people like us
come along and help out.
- Yes.
- I'll get straight to the point.
- Mm?
- If we invest 30 million,
how many shares would that buy us?
- 15%.
- 15%?
- With 15%...
- I think...
- that my aunt and I are sold. 15%.
- Are we?
- Yes, we are, aunt.
- Great!
Greger, my colleague,
is in Mallorca playing golf, but...
- And he's the one with the paperwork.
- We're only interested in buying now.
Preferably today, latest tomorrow
morning. And we're paying cash.
- Cash?
- Yeah.
I'm sorry,
I don't think that's really possible.
Lucas, I can pay cash now.
And we can sort out the papers later.
I trust you. It's Birgitta...
- It's money! He's paying cash!
- Yes, but...
It has to go through Greger.
Can no one else take the money,
and we can sign later?
No. The earliest we could do
something would be in a week, maybe.
But we're very interested
in doing business with you.
Both of you!
- Yes.
- Yes.
What do you think?
Shall we resume in a week?
Absolutely.
Okay, I'd like
to negotiate my salary.
- I want 12,000 per day.
- 12,000?
Yes. According to the Theatre Union.
Forget it.
- You can have 2,000.
- No, no. Then I'll send an invoice.
This isn't
a low-budget production anymore.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- I need to talk to you.
- Me too.
- Good, since...
- Why didn't you say anything?
I've wanted to, but...
- My whole life, I've...
- You've known, your whole life?
Yes.
Who knows, maybe we can get through
this with professional help.
I will get help, but I wanted
to talk to you about it first.
It's okay.
I mean it.
That's so good to hear.
- Wow.
- I love you the way you are and...
You're looking for something else,
or in another form, at least, and...
I can't give you that.
But I'm not judgmental.
I've read lots
of articles about this.
You know, when you're bored
and just scroll...
And I don't remember everything,
and a lot is behind paywalls, but...
Yeah, I know the ones...
It's very normal for straight guys
to experiment with other guys, and...
Whoa, whoa! Wait!
What do... Straight men...
What are you trying to say?
Your boyfriend, Tan.
- Tan?
- Mm.
- My boyfriend?
- Yes.
No, no! Tan's not my boyfriend.
Who said... Did he say that?
Fucking Tan.
Listen, Tan's a joker, okay?
And he crosses the line a lot!
He makes sexist jokes,
not always politically correct.
I don't think it's okay.
It's old fashioned and lame, really.
He claims he says those things
because he's nervous,
but it's not okay.
And Tan is definitely not
my boyfriend. God, no. No way.
- No.
- So... you haven't been cheating?
No!
Okay.
Or, in a way, you could...
Come.
I, uh...
A couple of friends and I found
90 million kronor a few years ago.
What do you mean, "found"?
I know it sounds crazy,
but I swear it's true.
We were out jogging one day,
I fell, and we found 90 million.
- Why not put it back?
- We thought of that first.
But what would you have done if you
found 90 million and needed money?
- These friends, who are they?
- They moved abroad.
I stayed because I really wanted
to buy a new identity, I...
I wanted to be accepted as Swedish,
stop getting judgmental comments,
and everything was going great until
the plan to exchange all the bills.
My real name is Mahmod Aziz.
I was born and raised in Sollentuna.
I have no Italian great-grandmother.
My parents moved
to Sweden from Kurdistan.
I wanted to tell you before,
I promise, but I haven't known how...
How could I explain?
I promise.
I haven't lied to you about my love.
Or who I am in here.
- Isabelle, please, wait!
- Who the hell are you?!
Why haven't you been honest from
the start? I'm marrying a stranger!
If I were honest,
you wouldn't have looked at me!
If I met you in the bar as Mahmod
Aziz, you wouldn't have looked at me!
To start with, I wouldn't
have been let in by security!
That's reality!
Not just our appearance!
As soon as we say our name...
It's been like this for 30 years.
For 30 fucking years.
Stereotypes and a feeling
of never fitting in!
I don't want to be a victim!
So I did something about it!
I don't judge people!
I know not everyone, including you,
judges people,
but we all have our preconceptions.
If I'd come up to you at the bar
and said:
"How's it goin'?
Lemme buy you lunch, babe."
Isabelle, you'd have grabbed
your pepper spray and ran away!
But you don't talk like that.
I paid 18,000 for a dialect coach.
He was really nice, he helped me
get rid of my Rinkeby Swedish.
And your aunt? Who was that?
And these friends?
Who were they?
Actors.
Actually, advanced extras
from extra.se.
My God.
You invited strangers into our home?
No! I haven't invited strangers
into our home!
I ran a background check on them!
- They don't know my real identity.
- Which is?
- Where's your real family?
- Sollentuna.
They think I'm in Iceland,
but the island was evacuated
due to a volcanic eruption,
so Foreign Affairs
is apparently looking for me.
My God!
- Your turn.
- My turn.
What's your favourite
and most regular sexual fantasy?
Let me see...
- Oh, I know. It's...
- Just a minute.
No, come on.
Hey, sweetie.
No, we're at Strandvgen 1,
having a cocktail.
Oh.
Of course you can stay at our place,
you know that.
No problem. Dad can unlock the door
with his phone, he's got an app
that unlocks the car and the boat
and the doors.
See you in the morning, sweetie.
Sleep well. Bye.
Hey, should we go to a hotel?
Continue the question game?
No, we have to go home
and look after Isabelle.
- It's just getting fun.
- We have a daughter who needs us.
Give it a rest. They've had a fight.
It's wedding fever.
He's not good for her,
and we both know that.
Who is good enough for Isabelle?
Here's another cocktail.
- There.
- Thank you.
And some champagne.
- Did you sleep well?
- Mm.
Mum, I'm almost 32. Isn't it time to
turn this room into something else?
I know, I'm not the type
to say sorry first.
- But that's what's made me who I am.
- Mm.
I can understand why
you like Sebastian so much.
I saw him at the bank, and he is...
He's eager, he's direct, he's
solution-oriented, and he means well.
You had Danny before,
and he was fantastic.
Beautiful, good posture,
hips that move...
But, anyway.
When I saw you came home
after meeting Sebastian,
I think it was the first time
I'd seen you genuinely happy.
Thank you, Mum.
Damn it!
Tan?
Your doorbell is broken, man!
I know, I'll fix it.
Why are you here?
Shit, I can't get Chinese yen.
Here's your money.
Sorry, bro, but I don't have contacts
for exchanging money.
I think Isabelle has left me.
Are you kidding? Was it because
of my texts and calls and stuff?
I told her I was
Sebastian von Steinberg.
- What the fuck is that, bro?
- It's me.
- No...!
- Yeah.
- No, you're Mahmod!
- I lied and told people I'm Sebastian
- so people would see me as Swedish.
- What a fool. You went too far!
Like Suedis like to say.
Dude, we are Swedish!
I feel like a Swede.
I get goosebumps
when the national anthem plays!
- Me too.
- You and I love Sweden!
And if anyone attacked,
we'd cut out their tongues.
Straight away! You know?
But, bro, we have many names.
New Swedes,
second generation immigrants.
But, bro, in the end, we're Suedis!
- Do you love her?
- I'd die for her!
You'd die for her?
Then you have to tell her that!
Go to her dad, give him dates,
and ask for her hand!
They're Swedish.
They don't need dates.
Brother, she doesn't want you
for your money
or because you go around saying
you're Sebastian-Mebastian.
She's not in love
with a name or hair colour.
In here!
Say sorry and stuff, and tell her
you'll live together in Sollentuna!
And I swear, brother,
you'll get IP-TV.
With 9000 channels, brother, from me.
As a wedding present. I swear, bro!
You're wearing the hood's national
uniform. Wear it with pride, bro!
- Sebastian! Hey! Oops!
- What the hell are you doing here?
We need to talk about my character.
The dinner.
I thought I delivered a character
with depth, warmth and charm.
But I have to say
that you didn't really do your part.
- Okay, I have to go.
- It's important we bond for real.
- Next time, we're seamless...
- There's no next time, okay?
- What?
- Long story!
- But there's no next time or wedding.
- You can't kill my character now!
Don't you get it?
I've started developing him!
Fuck Sebastian, okay? I'm Mahmod.
Mahmod Aziz from Sollentuna!
- There! You have acting within you.
- I don't want to act!
I don't want to be someone...
Oh, shit! Sorry!
Brother, salam aleikum.
What?
DARLING
Isabelle, I'm glad we could meet
and discuss
the association's decision.
Sandra will make some notes
during the meeting.
- Yes.
- Mm.
So, after careful consideration,
the association has decided who will
be promoted from assistant prosecutor
to chamber prosecutor.
Your qualifications are outstanding.
I loved your report on money
laundering in the US, for example.
But...
Along with the association,
we believe Anders Jnsson
has been proactive and is simply
a more appropriate candidate.
So you'll have
to apply again next time.
I think it will be in six months.
- That's that.
- Wait a minute, sorry.
What's the difference
between Anders and me?
We've worked here
the exact same amount of time.
He earns more than I do, but other
than that, what's the difference?
Yes, well... the difference...
I understand you're sad.
You feel disappointed.
But you've got to pick yourself up.
- Pick myself up?
- Mm.
I've had the same position and pay
for almost three years.
I've got the qualifications,
and you know that.
Yes. This was decided based on
several different parameters.
We've considered them and made
an evaluation, and our... decision...
Our decision is final.
I'm so tired of this old,
fucking, dick system!
This fucking circle-jerk
and nepotism, assistant-fucking,
fucking work drinks!
Parameters?! Jesus Christ!
Fuck parameters!
- Bengt, call security!
- We have to crush the patriarchy!
- We need security!
- Crush the boys' club!
Fucking fight together!
We run the fucking world, bitches!
Tan, not now, I'm not up for it.
Hi.
I thought I...
I've tried to reach you all day.
I wanted to see you to say
that I don't care about the money.
It means nothing.
What's important is that I met you.
Just tell me, did you lie about
anything apart from your name?
- No, that's what I mean, I...
- Just answer, yes or no.
Did you find the money?
- Yes.
- Are you wanted?
No.
Listen...
I've been thinking.
Maybe you're right.
I probably wouldn't
have noticed you in that bar.
I have never experienced
the type of alienation
that I can imagine you have.
But I understand it.
And...
In a way I understand
why you did what you did.
But it's not an excuse
for lying to me.
I'm sorry.
Isabelle, please,
can we just start over?
No, I can't take you back,
just like that.
But... I'm not prepared to lose
the 15 million in my basement.
It's not 15 million,
it's more like 30.
Yes, but we'll split it.
I'll help you launder the money.
We split it 50/50.
What happens with us,
we'll deal with that later.
Isabelle, you can have all the money.
No. Fair's fair. This is Sweden.
We split it and go our separate ways.
How will we launder the money?
We'll stage a robbery
at a cash depot at Arlanda.
- We're gonna what?
- Mhm.
Listen, we're gonna commit a robbery
that isn't a robbery,
we're just exchanging the bills.
So it's not a robbery,
and if we get caught,
it's for breaking and entering
or attempted robbery.
But we won't get caught.
We're just exchanging the bills.
Right? Smart?
Fast cash!
- Stop saying "cash" like an American.
- What? It's called cash.
Yes, but this is for real, okay?
It's not gonna work.
Yes, for real.
We just need uniforms.
Uniforms?
- The masquerade gang.
- No, no.
No, we're not robbing
anyone or anything.
Now I know how we'll do it.
What will we do?
We'll break in to Yngve's place.
- Our neighbour?
- He's an ex-fire chief.
I'm sure he's got some old fireman
uniforms laying around, right?
This is just getting more and more...
- Why wouldn't we rent uniforms?
- Because then they can trace us.
Okay?
Okay.
Good. But first...
Can you please throw out
all your patterned taco socks.
Who the hell has that in the hood?
This is great.
The eyes are great.
Are they your real eyes?
Nice.
Hey.
I brought a screwdriver.
In case he resists, I'll...
Hey, we're not gonna hurt him.
Is that too much?
Alright, I'll leave it.
Yalla, Mahmod, let's go.
Wait, we need code names.
- I'm Orup.
- Why Orup?
It's short, it's easy.
Orup, Bono, the Pope, Madonna.
And I think it's kinda cool
that he was chased by wolves.
- I'll take Kim Kardashian.
- Too long.
Lady Gaga.
Gago?
Gogu?
Gaga!
Okay.
Alright, let's do this.
Hey, okay.
- Wait.
- No, what are you doing?
- I'll use this.
- No, stop now!
- What are you doing?
- Wait.
Back up.
- What's that attitude?
- What did I do?
Don't do that.
Fuck, I'm sorry!
Sorry, I didn't mean to.
Honey, I mean Sebastian,
I mean, I'm sorry, Mahmod, Orup.
I didn't know Yngve the Cheapskate
had bulletproof glass. I'm sorry.
- Okay.
- I'm sorry.
- Okay?
- Yeah, do it.
- You chose the wrong house!
- Yngve, don't shoot!
- It's Sebastian, don't shoot!
- Sebastian? Isabelle?
- Why are you here so late?
- Hey, Yngve.
We were gathering the leaves at home
but realised we don't have a rake.
- We thought we might borrow the rake.
- This late?
It was windy.
We have leaves everywhere.
Exactly,
and Isabelle has compulsions.
We need to gather all the leaves
in a garbage bag
- or she can't sleep at night.
- Oh, right, okay...
I've just bought a new toy
you can borrow. Wait here.
Orup, this is the worst attempted
robbery of my entire life.
- I said it was a bad idea, let's go.
- No, wait.
We put a plastic bag over his head,
kidnap him,
hang him up in the garage,
waterboard him, and then we take
the ransom and exchange it.
Okay, fine, it was just
an idea, Jesus.
Here! Bosch ALS 25.
The best electric leaf blower
on the market.
- There you go.
- Wow.
It'll take you ten minutes
to clear out your yard.
- Wow, we'll return it right after.
- Yeah.
- Yngve...
- Yes.
We were wondering if you've got
fireman outfits we could borrow?
- Tonight.
- Okay, and what for?
- Because...
- Sebastian really likes role play.
Role play.
Do you want to whole suit,
or just the top, or...?
- I was thinking the whole thing.
- The whole thing.
Right, one moment.
- Role play? Seriously?
- You started with the compulsions.
Mental illness is nothing to be
ashamed of. This is embarrassing!
There you go. Here are the heirlooms.
- Wow.
- Be careful.
- What an honour.
- Thank you.
We'll return them
as soon as we're done.
And when will that be?
- Friday?
- Friday.
We'll call it Friday.
Otherwise I'll have to take
a late fee of 250 kronor per day.
Of course.
Thank you so much.
- Sweet dreams.
- Good night.
So, Friday, then. Have fun.
We'll never pull off
robbing Arlanda cash depot.
Nobody's scared of you anymore.
You've become Swedish.
Yes, they're the new bills
from the Reserve Bank.
Why didn't I think of that before?
- We can just exchange them.
- What?
- I know a place with new bills.
- Where?
Riksgta Bank, Lucas' bank.
They had a vault full of bills.
I remember he said they got new bills
from the Reserve Bank.
Yes!
And they only had one guard,
and few staff.
That's so brilliant I'm almost having
an orgasm. Like a fountain.
A figure of speech.
Well, they had a fountain.
I mean a guard.
- One guard and few staff.
- Yes! Fuck, that's great.
We're geniuses.
We can't get caught for anything
serious if we don't have weapons.
And if we get caught, it's just
like society says it should be.
You're Mahmod,
a criminal immigrant from Sollentuna
without the privilege
of a white Swede.
You'll do a few years
for breaking and entering.
That's depressing, but it's reality.
- Yes.
- And you?
I'll be fine,
I'll just say you forced me.
That it's in your cultural heritage
that women obey men.
- You'll use that?
- Of course.
Hey... Nothing's gonna happen.
I promise. Okay?
We have at least three minutes
before the police arrive.
Okay.
How do you feel about free passes?
- Huh?
- Free passes.
That you can sleep with someone else.
Why do we have to talk about that
when we're doing this?
It's usually
a celebrity or something.
- When you're married?
- Yes.
No, where I'm from
there are no free passes.
If you meet a girl,
you're with her for life.
Okay.
- Why, do you have a free pass?
- Carola.
- Carola?
- Mm.
- Carola, Carola?
- Yes, Carola, Carola.
I mean...
So fucking hot.
I only want to sleep with you.
- Come on.
- Okay, let's do this.
- Seriously? Carola?
- Yes.
Think of one for yourself.
But not Carola, she's mine.
Okay.
There's a fire outside,
everybody needs to evacuate.
Evacuate now!
Can you hear me?
Come on, everybody out!
Drop everything, evacuate
the building, come on!
- What's going on?
- There's a fire.
Everybody needs to evacuate now.
- There's smoke outside.
- Fire!
- Fire!
- Evacuate!
- Fire!
- Everybody out, fire!
- Make sure the building is evacuated.
- Everybody out, there's a fire.
Everybody out!
- Open the vault.
- I can't do that.
- We have to, to save what's inside.
- There's no one inside.
- We have to save what's inside.
- The vault has its own...
Hey! Fuck Sebastian, goddammit.
Open it or I'll sit on your face so
you'll see things you've never seen.
Give me the fucking keys.
- Why did you push him?
- Me? I didn't do anything, you did.
Was it me? Is he dead?
I just wanted the keys.
Fuck, please tell me he's not dead.
Fuck, I've swallowed a black cat,
this money is cursed.
- Is he alive?
- He's alive.
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
- Here, open.
- Am I...
- Come on now!
- Okay, okay.
Change my behaviour,
change my behaviour.
- Wait, where the fuck is the money?
- What? Are you joking?
This is where they were, I saw them.
We were just supposed
to switch bills.
Think, think, think!
Wait, you said three minutes.
They're already here!
- They're on their way!
- I guess I was wrong!
- I'm only human.
- You said three minutes.
- Shut up!
- Fuck!
- Check every box.
- There is nothing here!
Just old bills!
They gotta be here somewhere.
- Fuck, fuck, fuck!
- Come on!
This isn't happening.
We were just gonna exchange bills.
They're coming. I'll share a cell
with someone I don't know.
When I get out, I won't be myself.
Who are you talking to?
I stopped listening 50 minutes ago.
Dammit, somewhere...
- What the hell...
- What?
Euros!
You're thinking! Wow!
- Fucking great!
- I'll put our old bills back.
Fuck, this is great! I love the EU!
27, 28, 29, 30 million.
Here, put it here. There, put it in.
Grab the next one.
There.
Put it in, put it in.
Isabelle, what are you doing?
We're not criminals,
we won't take more than what we have.
Give me that, we'll put it back.
Isabelle?
Isabelle, give it back.
Isabelle.
Isabelle!
We're not.
No.
There.
- What are you doing?
- I'm tidying up.
Oh come on!
- Let's go.
- I'm coming.
Bloody hell. Wait!
Fucking hell! Fuck you!
Go, go, go!
Wait, where are you going?
- To the roof!
- The roof? Never!
- What does my psychologist say?
- Break your habits, lose the worry.
Come on!
We're coming in, I repeat,
we're coming in.
Oh shit!
Oh shit!
Oh shit!
I can't look down.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck!
Police!
We're looking for two people
dressed as...
Don't look down.
The police are almost here, come on.
- Okay.
- Don't look down.
- I can't!
- Focus!
Come on!
We're on the second floor.
Moving to the roof.
Police!
- You know I'm scared of heights.
- There's no time for this.
- You grew up in tower blocks!
- Here, go. I'm staying.
- Maybe I'm meant to get caught.
- Come on!
- Yes.
- No!
Do this for my sake.
For our sake.
Come. Take my hand.
- Careful.
- I've got you.
- Oh fuck.
- I've got you.
Unit 33, come in.
Door.
Requesting backup.
- 44, come in.
- We're going onto the roof.
Go!
Honey, warm saliva?
I'll never lie to you again.
You're everything to me.
As long as I breathe,
I'll be by your side.
I don't care if people know me
as Mahmod or Sebastian or Orup.
I'd die for you.
Come.
Bro, this is what they call
power couple numero uno.
Beyonc and Jay-Z
are small fries compared to us.
What's important is that Isabelle
and I will get wrinkly together.
My name is Mahmod Aziz,
and I'm a proud fucking Suedi!
The police have decided to close the
investigation of the strange robbery
that took place in
central Stockholm last week.
The police say that reason for this
is that the robbers actually left
the same amount that they took,
but in a different currency.
BRUSSELS
This is what the current 50 euro bill
looks like.
And this is what the new one
will look like.
To deal with all the black market
money in Europe,
the old bills will be invalid
in six months.
BRO