Suicide for Beginners (2022) Movie Script

(gentle ambient music)
(curious bouncy music)
(snare drumming)
(curious bouncy music)
(knife thuds)
(children chattering)
- Oh my god.
(water ballon splats)
- What was that?
(water balloons splatting)
(upbeat playful music)
(kids yelling)
(upbeat playful music)
(Timmy thuds)
(Timmy sighs)
(Timmy breathing heavily)
(Timmy groaning)
(tense music)
(man grunts)
(deep suspenseful music)
(birds chirping)
(deep suspenseful music)
(playful piano music)
- Suicide is precarious.
(playful piano music)
There are a lotta different
schools of thought
on killing yourself.
Beyond just pro and con, I mean.
And believe me,
there is a totally pro-suicide
contingent out there.
They just aren't as
vocal as the other guys.
Because well, for the
most part, they're dead.
(price scanner beeps)
Think this stuff would
kill you if you drank it?
- Says it's toxic.
- But is this, feel
a little woozy,
I don't go to work
the next day toxic?
Or is this, Lord hide the
eyes of your children,
it's melting my face off toxic?
(playful piano music)
(birds chirping)
For clean, pills
are your best bet.
They're simple,
elegant, merciful.
Just close your eyes
and wake up in the arms
of whatever God you believe in.
Unless you wake up three
months later to discover
that you've just slipped
into a coma and some orderly
has been charging
truckers 20 bucks a pop
to have sex on you.
(skin slapping)
(shady guy grunting)
(Garrett yells)
(shady guy grunting)
But, who says taking yourself
out all neat-like is a virtue?
Why not go out in a violent,
mangley way people remember?
(slow tense music)
(dominoes clicking)
(machine whirring)
(symbols clanking)
(whimsical music)
(bell dings)
(whimsical music)
(chainsaw buzzing)
(Garrett yells)
(toaster dings)
(Garrett vocalizing)
(cellphone buzzes)
Tofu, extra firm tofu.
Oh my god, veg, Vegenaise?
What in the hell?
I have a coupon for a meat
lovers and cheesy breadsticks.
Don't rule this a suicide.
The coroner's report should
read, "Cause of death,
a broken heart and
a fucking rabbit."
(light uplifting music)
- What do you think?
- What is it?
- It's a rabbit.
- Is it abstract?
- No, it's a rabbit.
Okay, his name is
Othor the Terrible.
He's traveled through,
through hell and back
to reclaim his lady rabbit.
And now he's coming
home victorious,
but having paid a heavy price.
- So it's a metaphorical rabbit?
- No. It's a rabbit who's
had some hard times, man.
- I don't trust rabbits.
- Hey, sweet rabbit, baby.
- Thanks, babe.
(chair creaking)
- "There are a lotta
different schools of thought
on suicide.
There are a lotta ways to die.
Lately, I've considered
most of them.
The one I can't
live with though,
the death I can't abide is the
one that takes 60 years or so
spending small days
in a small home,
in a small suburb,
with anyone but you.
I hope you miss me every day.
And I hope you know
this is all your fault.
Love always, Mia."
I'm gonna need you to sign this.
(Mia breathing heavily)
(Mia grunting)
(Mia yells)
(Mia yelling)
(doorbell rings)
(upbeat rhythmic guitar music)
- Hey, uh, large meat lovers
and cheesy mozzarella sticks
for one Steven Sanders.
- Just slide it
through the crack.
- What? That's ridiculous.
That is also what
she said. (chuckles)
- It's fine, just
you hand me the pie,
I'll hand you the cash.
- It won't fit, man.
- Didn't you ever
play Tetris as a kid?
- Not with pizza, no.
Your toppings are gonna
be a mess now, dude.
Something wrong with your face?
- [Garrett] No. Why?
- Do you have elephantiasis?
- No.
- Ah, just wondering.
You know, my girlfriend's
got this thing
that when she gets
nervous, she sweats a lot.
Like a lot, like I am
genuinely concerned
about her hydration sometimes.
A sweaty little girl.
I mean, it's not like,
it isn't anything
like an eight-pound
testicle or anything,
but she's got a couple a
extra t-shirts in her car.
She's got this thing
of antiperspirant
basically comes out of
a holster, you know?
Yeah, one time I, I
delivered a pie to a lady,
had a nipple right
on her eyeball.
True story, nipple right there
in the corner of her eyeball.
But it's all rock
and roll to me, man.
I mean, 'cause we're
just, we're just living,
you know, just living.
There you go.
- Listen, it's just
been a long day
and I don't really feel like
seeing anybody right now.
- I mean, you've been crying?
Oh man, did your dad die?
- What? Of course not? No.
Why, why would you say that?
- It's basically the
only acceptable reason
for a grown-ass man
to cry, you know.
- What if it was a girl?
- Ah. Feelings and
shit, I get it.
Well, enjoy your pie, sir.
- How 'bout if I
tip you to listen?
- So what's the
young lady's name?
- Mia. I mean, Elaine,
Elaine, Elaine.
- Huh. I dated an Elaine once.
Yeah. Girl had immaculate
sentence structure.
It was really something.
Course she ended up
being an arsonist,
which was unfortunate.
- So what would you say to her
if you wanted to say goodbye?
- I'd say, while
I'm at the store,
please do not set my
cat on fire, you know.
I mean she lived, my,
my cat, but you know,
hasn't been the same ever since.
Just kinda walks around
all bald and confused now.
(curious orchestral music)
(children laughing)
- Hey.
(crutch thuds)
(boy cries out)
(curious strings music)
(birds chirping)
(Rick sighs)
- Kinda feel like we're in
Zach Braff movie right now.
Nobody puts baby in
the corner. (laughs)
Wait a second. That's not right.
Anyway, I think you're gonna
enjoy this Friday show, dude.
It's totally fresh to death.
Kinda like arena glam rock
with some heavy gangster
rap influences, all
done in chip tune.
I call it eight bit cock hop.
You know you got a little
bit a sauce right there
on the chin.
Yeah, right, right there.
- Go away.
(relaxed acoustic music)
(Rick sputters)
(Rick scoffs)
(bird chirping)
- Look, I'm sorry, Poodle.
He was a really chatty dude.
I mean he wanted to
know all about my cat,
and, and there was this girl
whose name he didn't know
that he kept going
on and on about.
Next thing you know, we're
talking about Paul Newman
and wolves, and he's
probably gonna kill himself.
Ah. (chuckles)
Probably not. You know?
Just a big maybe on that.
I mean, who, who's to say?
Huh, you know, 30% of
Americans do commit suicide
every single day.
- Ah.
- And that's some
serious math right there.
Some scary stuff.
But, but he won't.
He wouldn't, 'cause
he's, you know,
he's got his stuff together.
Little douchy, yeah
but, (exhales sharply)
(chuckles) you know, he's fine.
- We have to bake him a cake.
- But I've got deliveries
to make, Poodle.
- Yes, you do. Today,
we're delivering hope.
- What?
- Buttercream frosted hope.
(birds chirping)
(lively orchestral music)
- Hey, Mia.
Hello, I am Sockio Sockio.
Hi, and I am Luigi Sockio.
We are Italian and
we have-a mustaches.
And we bring to you,
our ancestral food stuff
from the ancient
island of Italy,
which is where we
are from. (giggles)
- Okay, first of all,
Italy is a peninsula.
And secondly, you're
a fucking asshole.
- I wrote you a
dinner theater play.
- Oh. Oh, I take back
what I said then.
I'd like you to kill me now,
so I don't have
a listen act two.
- Well that was very hurtful.
The second act is
a fierce takedown
of the banking
industrial complex.
And I think you would've
really enjoyed it.
I'm only trying to
cheer you up, Mia, but
fine, you know what?
Have it your way.
Here, pizza.
- I can't eat that.
- What do you mean?
I mean, it's a good.
It's from-a the place
around the corner.
- I don't eat cheese.
- What do you mean,
you don't eat cheese?
- You know this.
- I spent like forever
picking little pieces of ham
and hamburger and emu off of
here, and it was really hot.
I mean I burnt my,
I didn't really, I didn't
actually burn myself,
but I did it over and over again
and it was really
uncomfortable for me.
I'm trying really hard here,
Mia, and you don't even care.
(Mia sighs)
What do you want from me?
You want me to let you
go? Is that what you want?
- Yes.
- Okay, well I, I can't do that.
I mean, I'm just,
I'm brainstorming.
Is there anything else?
- Garrett, I don't know
what's going on here.
I don't have a
fucking clue, okay.
And, I'm not mad anymore, okay?
So just, please, let me go.
- I'll get you a
waffle. (laughs)
(gentle music)
- Boy.
(sighs) How you bum
your leg, boy child?
- I was part of the commando
unit sent in to squash
some insurgent activity
over on Sycamore Drive.
I busted my leg on extraction.
- Ha, almost same
thing happens to me,
outside of Hanoi in '72.
Now, my leg parts, mostly
rebar and duct tape.
(gun clinks)
It's the man in black pajamas
who I'm shooting at. You?
- Fifth grade girls.
- Ah, just as dangerous.
- I hear you, brother.
What kind of gun is that?
- Makarov, nine millimeter.
- Can I see it?
- Sure.
- Whoa. Can I shoot something?
- Sure. Um, shoot Glen.
No, no, no, no, no. I'm joking.
It's joke, ha-ha.
All right, maybe we
shoot Glen later, huh?
(slow somber strings music)
(Garrett inhales)
(light strings music)
(footsteps clicking)
- [Man] Hello, and welcome
to YouTube's edition
of how to tie a noose.
(light somber strings music)
Step one in tying
noose, find a rope.
Once you have your rope,
you shall start tying
your noose as such.
(curious orchestral music)
(glass plate scatters)
Now that you have learned
to tie a proper loop,
you must now follow step 15.
In step 15, you shall...
(curious orchestral music)
(Mia yells muffled)
(Mia groans)
Take the end of the rope and
place it through the bunny hole
and out the rabbit hatch.
(curious orchestral music)
(Mia groans lightly)
And if you take that
last bit of string,
pull it nice and tight, voila,
you now have yourself
a full bonafide noose.
(curious orchestral music)
(Mia groaning)
(glass scraping)
(Garrett gagging)
(glass scraping)
(curious orchestral music)
(tense music)
(Mia gasps)
(tense orchestral music)
- Hey.
Oh, what happened here?
- I dropped my waffle.
Well, we'll get you another one.
I don't want you to
eat off the floor.
Okay. I'm gonna take
this off of you.
What I don't want you to
do is be too mean to me.
If I wanted to be brow
beaten or made fun of,
I could call my mom.
- What's with the neck
wear there, buddy?
- Oh, this.
Yes, well, I guess you decided
to hang yourself in the end.
Out of guilt.
It's a classic.
- I don't think I did
decide to do that.
I think I'd remember that.
- Vegetables do weird
things to people's brains.
You should stop eating them.
- Let me go.
- Oh, I can't do that.
- Why?
- I think you'd be
very upset if you knew.
- You're gonna kill me.
I'm upset!
- Hey, please don't
be like this, don't.
Can't you just, I'm a nice
guy. I'm a damn bunny rabbit.
- Nice guys don't kidnap
and kill innocent people.
Monsters do that, and
fuckheads. Fuckhead monsters.
- He was cheating
on you, you know?
- What?
- You were one of
half a dozen girls
he didn't even care about.
I've actually taken the
liberty of putting together
a PowerPoint
presentation for you.
- A PowerPoint?
- Oh yeah.
Oh, there he is, Ben.
He moved in with me
and ruined everything.
(deep playful music)
(dog yelps)
(fire swooshes)
(cat meows)
- Whoo-hoo.
- I hated the way he seduced
you with his slick ways
and his sex parts.
(whimsical music)
(doorbell rings)
- Help! Help!
(doorbell rings)
- Hello?
- He's really shy.
He doesn't have elephantiasis
though. I'm pretty sure.
- Uh, hey!
Hey, open the door.
Hi. We brought you a cake.
- She makes cakes. Pretty good.
- Why are you here?
- She made me leave work
early to buy cake stuff.
- What happened to your hand?
- It's from a monkey.
- A monkey?
- Yeah. I train helper
monkeys for citizens.
Citizens who need monkeys.
- Oh. I love monkeys.
There's a monkey on
the cake. See? (laughs)
Can we come in and
meet the monkey?
- No, no. God, no. He's angry.
You actually need
to leave. Okay?
But, thanks for the cake.
Yeah, it looks, looks good.
I like monkeys.
- Wait. I just want you
to know that we're here.
- I can see that.
- No, I mean we're here for you.
- I'm fine. Okay?
- Oh my god.
- [Garrett] What?
- You have a noose
around your neck.
- No, I don't.
- Maybe we should go, Poodle.
- There is a noose
around his neck.
He is going to
kill himself, Rick.
- Maybe he's a gasper, like
into autoerotic asphyxiation.
I don't know.
I, I feel weird. This is
really personal stuff.
- I'm not gonna kill myself.
- See, it's all good.
Catch you at the
cock-hop show, right?
- Yeah.
- There is a noose around,
there is a noose around you.
There is a noose
around his neck.
- Go away.
- I don't think
he wants us here.
- He does want us here.
- Clearly, he doesn't. Clearly.
- No one is killing anyone.
My girlfriend and I,
we just have a
complicated relationship.
- I told you it was a sex thing.
- That's it.
That's it, we have uh,
sweet, sweet,
complicated intercourse.
But, I need you to go now
because of all the intercourse.
So, thanks for the monkey cake.
Okay, and, oh you, you might
wanna go run off to the car
and grab one of
those extra shirts.
Yeah, your pits are kind of
swampy. Okay now, bye-bye.
(birds chirping)
(door squeaks)
I hate people.
Especially other people.
You, you're not so bad,
but for the most part,
people who need people,
they are just the most
annoying people in the world.
Some people will draw you in
with the way they have skin.
Or, they smell like
vanilla coconut candy.
(Garrett sighs)
And, then they make you feel
like you can trust them.
And it turns out that they're
just big, fat liar cats,
and that they're sleeping
with other people
right behind your back.
- I never slept with you
in front of your back.
- Don't you see
how that's worse?
- I don't know what
you're talking about.
- You can't ignore
me anymore, Mia.
I mean, look at me.
I'm the last thing
you're ever gonna see.
What we had, it was cosmic.
It was a love I thought was
gonna watch the stars turn cold.
And you're just (sighs),
anyway, I'm not mad at you,
I just want you to know,
I mean, I forgive you.
- Hm.
(Garrett gagging)
- Help, help.
(curious orchestral music)
(rope stretching)
Help, help me. (yells)
(Garrett gagging and yelling)
(curious orchestral music)
- I'm sorry, Poodle. He was
having a really bad day.
- A complete stranger. You
met him one time, Rick.
Do you tell everybody
that your girlfriend
has sweaty arm stains?
Is that like your Facebook
status or something?
- I love you.
- Who else have you told?
- What's important is that--
- Who else?
- Well--
- Who else?
- I have told many, many people.
(Abigail scoffs)
- You know what your problem is?
- I know several of them.
- Do you even understand
what's happening right now?
- I understand some of
what's happening right now.
- You never even
notice what's going on
right under your nose.
- Are you kidding me?
I'm like fucking Daredevil.
Like hyper aware of, you
know, my shit at all times.
- I'm hyper aware
that you're an idiot.
- Is that nice?
(Mia screams muffled)
Check this.
There's a car, PT Cruiser,
hunter green, fairly mint.
(Abigail sighs)
It's carrying three children,
about to round the corner.
They're watching
SpongeBob in the backseat.
Squidward's flipping
a Krabby Patty.
The middle child has ADHD and
just ate Cheez-Its for lunch.
(birds chirping)
(Abigail scoffs)
Okay, but you got to admit
that would've been pretty dope.
Also, Krabby Patty? Band name.
- Do we even care that
he's going to kill himself?
- He's not going to--
- He has a noose
around his neck.
- So? Flava Flav's been
wearing a clock since the '80s.
- What?
- I'm just saying, I've
seen worse fashion.
Like, remember the time
Byork wore a fricking goose
or whatever to the Oscars?
Now that was fucked up.
- You're unbelievable.
- He said he's not
going to kill himself.
- That's exactly what
someone would say
if they were going
to kill themself.
- Sure.
But it's also exactly
what someone would say
who's not going to
kill themselves.
(door slams shut)
- Get in there and fix this,
or find somewhere
else to sleep tonight.
(Rick sighs)
(Garrett grunting)
(Mia yells)
- [Mia] No!
(Garrett yells in pain)
(both grunting)
(doorbell rings)
(Mia yelling muffled)
- I have tried really
hard to be fair to you.
I almost died up there.
(Mia groans)
(curious orchestral music)
You scared me.
(Mia panting)
If I had any idea how
to tie a proper knot,
I'd be dead right now.
(doorbell rings)
(both breathing heavily)
How, how did you even?
What, did you chew through this?
(tape stretches)
You're not getting
any monkey cake.
- (yells) Fuck you!
(door squeaks)
(mysterious music)
- Steve?
- [Abigail] Steve?
- Damn, I hate people.
(mysterious orchestral music)
(Mia groans)
- Steve?
- Hold on.
(curious orchestral music)
Why are you in my house?
- I thought you were trying
to get our attention.
- Well, I wasn't.
- Oh my god. You have
scratches on your face.
- Oh yeah, that's from the,
that's from the monkey.
He's in a really foul mood.
I don't know what
his problem is.
- Where is he?
- I sent him to his room to
think about what he had done.
- Hm.
- Did you spank him?
You know, for being bad,
did you spank your monkey?
(hand slaps)
- We were worried about you.
- Can you worry about me
in someone else's house?
- We're here for you.
We care about you.
- (laughs) Super.
(fork tapping)
- Mm.
- Mm.
(Abigail clears throat)
- So, what's your monkey's name?
- Ampersand.
- [Rick] Mm.
(Abigail's foot thuds)
Ah, uh, okay.
Uh, Steve, we're worried
about you, uh, apparently.
We want you to know
that we both like you.
You are liked, and
you are a good person.
I mean, probably, I don't know.
Oh, you really shouldn't have
said that arm sweat thing
to Abigail though.
You know, I'm not gonna
get too down on you
because you're going
through this whole
killing yourself thing, but
that was messed up, dude.
I'm just sayin'.
(Abigail clears throat)
It really was, but, but,
but we like you, a lot.
Whole bunches.
- How 'bout some
drinks with the cake?
- Mm.
- That would be lovely,
Steve. Thank you.
(curious orchestral music)
- Oh. She's really pretty.
- [Garrett] The prettiest
ones are the worst.
- He doesn't mean you, Poodle.
- Of course I don't mean
her. Why would I mean her?
I said the pretty ones.
(Abigail chuckles)
- So what happened
between you guys?
- She ruined my life.
- How did she do that?
- Doesn't matter.
- It does matter.
Because we care.
(Garrett groans)
- It just really wasn't any
one thing in particular.
It's like this, okay.
I used to bring her
flowers, and she's beautiful
and so she expects flowers,
like they just appear.
And one day I used my
key that she gave me.
We exchanged keys and I used
my key to leave her flowers.
(whimsical guitar music)
(footsteps clomping)
- Ben, you got me flowers?
- Yeah. I--
- They're gorgeous.
(Ben exhales)
Look, there's a card.
- Oh, hey, why
don't you let me uh,
why don't you let me read that
like one of those sexy,
romantic voiceovers, huh?
- Okay.
- In a desert life, you are
a refreshing, sexy beverage,
like an Arnold Palmer.
- (chuckles) Okay.
- Or a Sprite that I think
about at night times.
Love, Ben.
- [Mia] That's weird.
- Yes.
(Mia chuckles)
It is weird.
- [Mia] But it's sweet.
- I have to have you, right now.
- Right now?
- Right this very second.
- Okay.
(Ben moaning)
(Mia giggles)
(Mia and Ben laughing)
(Ben moans loudly)
- [Ben] Yeah.
(Mia laughs)
Oh, right there.
- Holy shit.
- Wow.
- So you were just under
the, like the whole?
- That's really something.
(Rick scoffs)
- Yeah.
How are the drinks?
- (sniffs) They smell funny.
Like not a ha-ha funny, but.
- Oh my god, that's strong.
- Kind of burns. It
smell like it burns?
- Oh, it's a cocktail.
- Oh. We don't drink.
- Nah. Gave up drinking.
- You don't drink at all?
- Nope.
- Not even wine coolers?
(Abigail clears throat)
- Not even wine coolers.
(Abigail coughs)
- Can I use your uh,
bathroom? (coughing)
- Oh, oh yeah. Right, right
down the hall to the right.
(Abigail coughing)
- [Abigail] Thank you.
- Dude, she freaks
out about smoke.
- You know where
people don't smoke?
Your house.
- Dude, just be
chill. We're leaving.
Just give her some peace
of mind so we can go.
(Rick sighs)
(Rick sniffs)
(Rick coughing)
Oh, god.
If she asks, you
drank these, okay?
(Rick sighs)
(Rick gasping)
(Rick coughs)
(Rick heaves)
(vomit splatters)
God. This is not good.
It tastes like hate. (coughs)
I'm burning.
(Rick cries out in pain)
(deep curious orchestral music)
(Rick coughs)
(Rick cries out in pain)
Wait a minute. Why
are you kicking?
- I'm sorry.
(foot thuds)
- Ow, stop it!
(Garrett grunts)
(Rick yells in pain)
Oh, man, I'm sick!
- Oh my god.
- Hurry, grab a towel
from the bathroom.
Hurry. I know CPR.
Shut up. Shut up.
(foot thudding)
- Where is it?
- Oh god, just keep looking.
- It's not in here.
- Look in the closet.
(Abigail groans)
- Don't hit me with the
blender, please don't.
(Rick yelling)
(blender clinks)
(Abigail crying)
- I can't find it
anywhere. Rick?
(Abigail breathing heavily)
(Abigail gasps)
(dark curious orchestral music)
(dark curious orchestral music)
(door squeaks)
(tense music)
(Abigail screaming)
(Garrett grunting)
(glass shatters)
(objects clattering)
(suspenseful music)
(Garrett grunting)
(Abigail yelling)
(Abigail crying)
- Okay, okay.
Calm down. Calm down.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
(Abigail yelling)
Calm down. Calm down.
Just, shh.
(Abigail crying)
Stop, okay.
Just, I know this
probably looks bad,
but it's gonna be fine.
It's not like I'm collecting
people or anything.
(Abigail crying)
Mia, say something.
(Abigail gasping)
Mia. Sh.
(Abigail crying hysterically)
(curious orchestral music)
(Abigail crying)
(Garrett gasps)
(Abigail crying)
(Mia coughing)
- What are you doing?
- I was saving your life.
- What, are you trying to
save me so you can kill me?
- No.
(Abigail crying)
Yeah, I guess.
- Oh god, who is she?
Is she another girl
that won't date you?
- Um, that's the, the
pizza guy's girlfriend.
It's a whole thing.
Listen, how do you feel?
(Rick coughing)
(Abigail whimpering)
I'll get you some water.
(Abigail crying)
(curious orchestral music)
(cellphone buzzing)
- [Barry] Mia?
You're not home yet?
You give Barry a call.
You let mom, dad know
you are healthy, okay?
Barry is by to check
on the roof at five.
Will also make sure
all is correct.
(dramatic swoosh)
- Who's Barry?
- My landlord. We've
been over this.
- Landlord Barry.
Band name.
- Does he have your key too?
- He's my landlord.
- Well, great. I'm
gonna have to kill him.
- Why would you do that?
- (sniffling) Is this, is
this because of the cake?
(Garrett clears throat)
- Call him and tell
him not to come.
- No.
- Do you not see how this works?
If he comes over here,
I have to kill him.
Have you seen this chick?
Or how 'bout this guy?
This is the pizza guy.
The pizza guy comes
over, I have to kill him.
He brings his girlfriend,
I have to kill her.
A bell rings, I kill someone.
(Abigail crying)
You want this Barry guy dead?
Fine. Just let him come over.
Anyone else you want dead?
Just give 'em a ring.
Give 'em a ring and
have 'em come on down
to Garrett's death emporium.
We're having a
half-off sale today.
Everyone must go.
- Anyone have Justin
Bieber's number? (laughs)
(Rick coughing)
(vomit splatters)
(Rick gasping)
- Oh, god.
- [Rick] worth it.
- It was just flour,
sugar and love. (cries)
- Fine. Give me the phone.
- [Barry] Hello?
- Hey Barry, this is Mia.
I got your message,
and I'm okay.
- [Ben] Yeah? Why
didn't you call?
Your mom, dad's
calling me. It's nuts.
- Shopping.
- What?
- Shopping.
- I've been shopping.
- [Barry] Barry checks roofs.
- Uh, no. Um, don't
come over. I'm naked.
- [Barry] What?
- Yeah, I'm shopping naked.
And I'm going to be naked for
the foreseeable future, so,
please, please don't come over
unless you wanna see me naked.
Thanks Barry. Bye.
- I hate all of you so much.
- You ordered the pizza.
- What?
- I didn't come here
for the hell of it.
You brought me here.
You ordered the pizza.
- I'm not killing you
because you brought a pizza.
That was fine.
I'm killing you
because you came back.
- I didn't wanna do that.
- Fine then, it's the
sweathog's fault, whatever.
- Oh, shit.
(Abigail gasping)
You're right.
This is all your fault.
(Abigail whimpering)
Oh, knock it off. I might
be dead because of you.
At least give me
some peace for once
in your ridiculous life.
(Abigail crying)
- What the hell are
you doing, dude?
- And you know what? I do drink.
I drink all the time
and it is awesome.
It's how I put up
with you for so long.
But there ain't enough beer
in the world at this point.
You know what I'm saying?
- Knock it off.
- No. I am so sick of this
shit I could vomit, more.
The next time this little
shit writes a murder note,
it should be about
our relationship.
Because that thing is
deader than a cat box.
(Abigail gasps)
And I mean gone, baby, gone.
Which is an awesome
movie, by the way.
- You're breaking up with me?
- You're breaking up with her
in the middle of all this?
- I wanna switch sides
now. Can I do that?
- Is this because of
the cake? (crying)
- Unbelievable.
(computer keys clicking)
I have to kill myself
very, very dead,
because of all the guilt
from all the murders I did
in my gang, because
I'm in a gang,
which you probably didn't
know, but it's true.
- Damn this thug life!
- It was just a
peanut butter party.
Should have been safe as houses,
but I have to commit suicide
now because I feel really bad,
because of all the
dying that happened.
- Damn you, E. coli!
- I'm not signing
it. It's ridiculous.
(paper crumpling)
(somber music)
(doorbell rings)
(somber music)
- Mia?
Mia, where are you?
Mia, this is
disgusting. You are bad.
There is no party
time in Barry's house.
Few people. This is
Barry's house, Mia.
(tense orchestral music)
(tense orchestral music)
Lord Jesus.
(Garrett and Barry grunting)
- Stay there.
Simon says no moving.
Stay on the ground.
(handcuffs clicking)
Stop moving.
- Not moving, breathing.
- Well, knock it off.
Did you call the police?
- No.
- What'd you see in the closet?
- Nothing.
- Then why did you
say "Lord Jesus?"
- Because you scared me.
- Liar.
(tense music)
(Abigail talking muffled)
- That is so just like you
to say some shit like that.
You know this whole
relationship, you've acted like,
just because I live in
your parents' basement
that you own me.
Do you know how that makes
me feel on the inside?
Makes me feel cheap, and
sad. Like an emo song.
I don't wanna be an emo song.
I do not own skinny jeans.
(Abigail speaking muffled)
That is a damn lie
and you know it.
(door squeaks)
(Abigail crying)
- Okay, everyone. This is Barry.
I think you know Mia.
That's the pizza guy,
and that is his crazy
annoying girlfriend
who likes monkeys and cake.
(Abigail whining)
What was your name?
Oh, it doesn't matter.
(Abigail yelling muffled)
- Someone gave him
a gun. Awesome.
- Where'd you get a gun?
- It's Barry's.
(Abigail wailing)
Stop crying.
How have you not died from
dehydration at this point?
Or from someone
choking you to death?
- Well, believe me,
I've thought about it.
- [Barry] What are
you doing to them?
- Whatever I like.
- (laughs) Barry will
kill you from the throat,
and then I will brunch
on you and your testicles
with mint jelly.
(Abigail groans)
- What does that even mean?
- I will tear your
tendons from their parts.
- (chuckles) Just shut up.
I mean, I could
shoot you right now.
- Oh, if you shoot me, the
neighbors will call the police,
and then the police will come
and make much
holes in your body.
- Seriously, I need
you to stop talking.
- Huh.
(Abigail crying)
- I think Abigail--
- Abigail.
- I think Abigail will calm down
if you take the gag
out of her mouth.
- No.
- No way.
(Abigail muttering muffled)
- I am going to watch you die,
and it'll make me very
happy to see the worms
flirting with your corpse.
- I will shoot you in the face
if you do not shut your mouth.
- Go ahead, slime weasel.
And I hope my blood
splatters all over you,
and you can not remove my
sticky brains from your hairs,
and the flies make
a home in your head
and lay eggs in your
marrow and eat your bones
from the inside!
- (breathing heavily) Holy shit.
(Abigail yelling)
No crying or screaming.
(Abigail gasping)
- Great.
Listen, dude, I've
been thinking,
you really don't need
four hostages, you know?
It's just more people
to worry about, right?
So keep the girls,
let me walk on outta here.
(Abigail yells)
Hell, I'll help out, you know,
tighten the security
in this bitch.
- I don't need
help. You need help.
Your landlord is just psychotic.
- You're running out of chairs.
- [Garrett] Put this on.
(Garrett breathes heavily)
(Abigail crying)
- Are you kidding me?
Like you've never
been taken hostage
and held at gunpoint before.
(Abigail gasps)
No? Just me.
- Shut your woman up or I will.
- Steve, Steve, there's
no need for, for firearms.
Hey, come on, we're,
we're a team, Steve.
- His name is Garrett.
Steve, I think is an alias?
- I wanna thank you for that.
- You're welcome.
- Dude, you lied to me?
I bet you don't even
own a monkey, do you?
(Abigail scoffs)
- I'm gonna name
a bleeding ulcer
after each and every one of you.
Two for you.
(Garrett breathing shallow)
Stop looking at me.
(tense music)
(birds chirping)
(peach thuds)
- Whoa.
Jesus, what the,
what the fuck, man?
- [Garrett] You
ruined everything.
- What?
Just stop. Garrett, stop
it right now. Jesus!
- You stole my flowers
and did sex on me.
- Yeah, well if you don't
want sex done on you,
don't break into people's homes
and hide under
their bed, creepy.
- You knew?
- Yeah, I knew. I
was extra bouncy.
- I'm moving out.
- Well, good for you.
Me and Mia are moving in
together, so keep the house.
We're gonna have so much sex.
(peach thuds)
(peaches thudding)
Garrett, would you
stop it right now.
That's it, I'm
gonna kick your ass.
You better check your
damn insurance policy
to make sure it
covers ass-kicking.
- Oh yeah?
- What're you
gonna do with that?
Huh? You gonna hit me with that?
Come on.
(metal clanks)
(Ben splashes)
(birds chirping)
- Oh, this is not good.
(curious orchestral music)
(Garrett groaning)
(Barry grumbles)
- So, we are going to
discuss the possibility,
the very real possibility
of me letting
everyone go, perhaps.
Without and, and this
is really key, okay?
Without me getting into
any trouble whatsoever.
Speaking duck. Okay?
Whoever has the duck--
- Whomever.
- What?
- Whomever has the duck.
- Right.
- Whomever has the
duck has the floor.
- You're actually
gonna let us go?
- Yeah.
Well everyone but Barry.
Barry has seen too
much, so Barry's boned.
- What did Barry see?
- Barry has seen a
hundred-fold times your death,
delivered by the hands of Barry.
- Damn it, Barry, this
is why no one likes you.
That was really creepy.
Okay, and, you did
not have the duck.
- Give me the duck.
- No, you're just gonna say
things about killing me again.
- I have additions,
addendums, modification,
Bible references, which
I will list to you
if you give Barry
the fucking duck.
- You're not getting
the damn duck.
- May I have the duck?
- Yeah. Yes, you may.
I mean, how hard
is that, really?
- I think we should go
on the honor system.
We can swear not to
tell anyone about you.
We, we can pinky swear. (laughs)
- That's not gonna work.
- Why not?
Thank you. Why not?
- Because if I had
poisoned and tied up
and tried to hang me,
I would tell on me.
(Rick whistles)
(duck thuds)
- How 'bout this?
How about you hook us each up
with a gallon or two of water,
maybe some straws, then hop
on a plane and bomb away
to a non-extradition country.
Then when you land,
you can call the cops
and tell them where we are.
Seems pretty solid, brother.
- Name for me please some
non-extradition countries.
(duck thuds)
- I'm not sure, but I feel
pretty good about Venezuela
or Vancouver,
definitely a V country.
Maybe the Vatican?
- How is it that you don't know
Vancouver is not a country?
- They didn't actually teach
geography at my school,
and I'm a little sensitive
about it, to be honest.
- Mia, you've been
awfully quiet. Any ideas?
- You think I'd walk outta here
and leave you to kill Barry?
- Well, we told him not to come.
How is this my fault?
- It's moot anyway.
Ben's gonna be back soon
and he's gonna end this.
- Ben.
Ben has only ever let you down.
I promise you, he's
not gonna change today.
(teeth snap)
Fine. You guys can all just die.
- Well, hang on. I,
I can live like that.
And she didn't have the duck.
It doesn't count if she
didn't have the duck.
And I thought of
another one, Indonesia.
You could learn to surf.
Dammit, lady.
I mean, I respect the
balls and all, but come on.
Barry's old, he's
had a good life.
- Barry's had a terrible life.
Barry's mostly duct
tape and rebar.
- See, all the more
reason. He's ready to go.
- Barry wants to live.
- Dammit, Barry.
- What did you see, Barry?
- I saw the death of
someone's life in your closet.
- What?
- [Barry] Hmm?
- Those aren't real handcuffs.
There's a safety release.
- Hmm?
- Chicks, man.
Am I right?
How did you put up
with her all that time?
I guess maybe cheating
on her constantly helped,
I don't know.
You wanna smoke?
Yeah, good call, they're
bad for your health.
(sighs) You see what I did
there? 'Cause you're dead.
Man, your sense of humor just
went to shit after you died.
No, you're right.
Of course you are.
I gotta talk to her.
I can't leave it like this
with her all mad at me.
You know, you're a shitty
comedian since you died, right?
But you are a damn
fine listener.
(sighs) Okay, well, let's
get you back in your closet.
(Garrett sighs)
Okay guys, I think we got
a little off track here,
and I blame myself.
What are you doing?
(Garrett grunts)
(Garrett yelling)
- All of your nervous
system are now belong to us.
(nail gun pops)
(Garrett gasping)
You're too violent, man.
(Barry groans)
(Barry thuds)
- No. What did you
do? What did you do?
(Abigail yells)
- Tie him up!
- No!
- Barry! Barry!
Fuck! (screaming)
I can't feel my face.
(Barry yelling)
(shovel thudding)
- Garrett, stop it!
(Rick groans)
(garage door whirring)
(Garrett breathing heavily)
(light upbeat orchestral music)
(garage door whirring)
- I better go talk to him.
Hey, little kid. Little
kid, hold up. Hold up.
Did you wanna come inside?
We are having a
great time in there.
We've got cake inside.
It's monkey cake.
- I have to get home.
- Hey, your mom's not gonna
care, just let's (coughs),
let's go inside and
give her a call, okay?
Come on. Let's go, sweet pea.
Just give her a, (winces)
(laughs) We're
making pie inside.
It's cherry pie.
Look, and we're
playing paintball.
(imitates paintball exploding)
(laughs) It's a
blast man, come on.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
Come on.
Listen, I need to get inside.
- Help, help. Let go.
- Hey!
- Nothing, nothing
weird going on here.
We're fine.
(garage door whirring)
Shut that fucking door!
I still have the gun.
Remember the gun?
(laughing) Hey.
(birds chirping)
(slow somber music)
(Garrett breathing heavily)
- What just happened?
- I think he's Al Qaeda
or Taliban, maybe Cobra.
I don't know.
- No one is gonna hurt you.
I promise, everything
is gonna be just fine.
(woman thuds)
(deep suspenseful music)
(tire thuds)
(tire thuds)
(brake engages)
(deep suspenseful music)
- Holy shit.
- You just hit that lady.
- She just, she
came out of nowhere.
- No, no, she was on the lawn
and then you drove up on
the lawn and you hit her.
- (laughs) I know, it's
crazy, right? Who does that?
Listen, call the police.
I think I have a first
aid kit in my trunk.
- Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
Oh holy sugar. Okay,
this isn't the good.
- Think she'll need
the first aid kit?
- I don't know, I think--
(tire iron thuds)
- Jogging. Is. Bad.
For. Your. Health.
(tire iron clanging)
(wheels clicking)
(shears click)
(upbeat calypso music)
Slow your step man
Take a look around
Because you're missing
out on the things you love
Slow your step, man
Take a look around
Because you are missing out
And you're letting
your friends down
(upbeat horns music)
(upbeat calypso music)
(Garrett yells)
(shears thud)
(upbeat horns music)
(Garrett panting)
- Hey!
(chaotic music)
- Hey neighbor. You hungry?
Man oh man, we're
here for you
We're always here
to pull you through
If the world is
just way too big
To be left out on your own
Slow your pride
and accept our help
(bottle shatters)
The world is
gettin' way too big
To leave you there, yeah
(man yelling)
(bong bubbling)
(man exhales)
- All right you Swedish
dick hole, it's on.
(nail gun popping)
(man yells in pain)
(man with nail gun grunts)
No. Nah.
(nail gun pops)
(man yells in pain)
I didn't know that
IKEA made people.
All right, try to--
(man yells in pain)
(lawn mower rumbling)
(man on ground yelling)
(chuckles) You seeing
this, bookshelf?
(upbeat Latin music)
(man on ground yelling)
Take a look at
what you've got
Right in front of your eyes
'Cause life is
treating you better
(man yelling)
- Wow.
(body grinding)
(blood splats)
That wasn't cool. (yells)
What are you gonna do
(upbeat music)
Because when people get
lost, they lose their job
Stop working at
their nine to five
(muffled by water
gurgling) Mary Jane
You see the potential
wasting away, yeah
(water gurgling)
(nail gun blasts)
(door clicks open)
(Garrett breathing heavily)
- We need to have
a conversation.
(slow somber music)
(Garrett grunts)
- No. No!
- I wanted to tell you,
just before you die,
I want you to know
you deserve this.
'Cause other people,
they probably didn't,
but you killed
them just the same.
I hope you know
you're a murderer.
- No, no.
- You know, still,
I forgive you.
(Mia groans)
(Mia breathing shallow)
(Mia groans)
(Garrett groans)
- Why are you doing all this?
- Why? You wanted a monster?
Look at me, now you've got one.
I'm gonna out-beast even you.
Pay attention.
This is where I begin.
Oh, uh, you um, killed
your boyfriend, by the way.
- Ben.
Ben? Ben.
- Oh, yeah you drowned him.
You're crazy.
- What?
- It's right here on page two.
"It was just a lover's
quarrel that got out of hand,"
because you are a
cheating asshole.
"I didn't mean to
brain him to death
with my metaphorical
abstract fucking rabbit.
But I totally did, and now he's
dead and it's all my fault."
Anyway, that's just
one of the drafts.
I've got others. You see?
Anyway, I told you that
you're the crazy one.
- (crying) I thought
we were friends.
- I thought we were in love.
I thought we were...
Any way, um.
(Mia shuddering)
I'm gonna need your
John Hancock on this,
just uh right here,
at the bottom, okay?
- No! (crying)
- Wait. No?
Okay, well you just killed the
girl that won't stop crying.
You did that.
- Oh no.
- Oh, um,
don't fall until
I get back, okay?
Just a minute.
(Mia yells)
(tense music)
- Whatcha doin'?
- Shut up.
(Abigail whimpering)
(Abigail yelling)
Hey, you shut up too.
- Don't worry, Poodle.
He's not gonna kill you.
- Did you just call me Poodle?
- Yes, I did.
- Do you wanna
get back together?
- Focus, lady. I'm
about to kill you.
- He hasn't killed anyone.
Even if he tried to kill
you, you'll be fine.
If he were a newspaper,
his permanent headline
would be "Fail."
- There are two pretty
fucking dead people
up in that hallway right now.
I think they'd disagree.
- Ah, I don't know.
Probably you just found 'em
dead and brought 'em in here.
- Found 'em dead?
- Sure. People die all the time.
Stands to reason you might
trip across one or two.
I once knew a guy, died while
performing CPR on an old lady.
- Well, what about Barry?
Barry's dead.
- I don't think so.
Barry's old.
He probably just needed a
nap after kicking your ass.
- I kicked his ass.
- Nah. (laughs) You couldn't
even beat up an old man.
There's no way you
could kill anyone.
- You don't think
I can kill anyone?
- Not a soul, sunbeam.
- Let's find out together.
(Abigail crying)
(Garrett grunting)
- Oh, so we're taking a bath
now. That's a little weird.
(Rick grunts)
Ah, that is cold.
Ah, this is cold.
This is cold water.
If we could make that
warm. I'm very cold now.
(Rick breathes deeply)
(Garrett whistling)
Whoa, whoa, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
Uh, see this is why you
need me on your side.
That there's a GFCI outlet,
and it'll trip the circuit
like a 30th of a second after
you toss that thing in here
with me so, can't kill
me like that. (laughs)
- Let's find out.
(electricity buzzing)
- (yells) Oh, fuck me running.
(Rick yelling)
(Mia whimpering)
Oh, worst 30th of a
second ever. (gasps)
(Garrett sighs)
Oh, oh shit. Geez.
(electricity buzzing)
(Garrett yelling)
Oh shit, you're
gonna make me die.
That's not very nice.
That's not very nice.
(Rick gasping)
- Ta-da.
Have a good feeling this
is gonna be the one.
- Oh, come on. Come on.
(Rick yelling)
(electricity buzzing)
(Mia gasps)
What the fuck is wrong
with you? (gasping)
(tense music)
Not the fucking blender again.
(blender whirring)
(Rick yelling)
(electricity buzzing)
(tense music)
(suspenseful music)
- There you are.
Sorry that took so long.
Pizza guy just didn't wanna die.
So are you gonna
sign the letter,
or should I kill someone else?
Thank you.
(slow tense music)
(Mia whimpers)
(tense music)
(Barry breathing shallow)
- Come.
(deep tense music)
(Abigail whimpers)
(deep tense music)
(suspenseful music)
(scary music)
(Garrett crying out in pain)
(Barry growling)
(gunshot blasts)
(suspenseful music)
(gunshots blasting)
(gun clicks)
(suspenseful music)
(gun thuds)
(Garrett breathing heavily)
(deep suspenseful music)
(door creaks open)
Hey, kids?
Oh, come on, let's play a little
game of duck, duck murder.
(Mia shudders)
(Mia whimpering)
- It'll break. It'll break.
It'll break.
(Mia gasping)
(rope stretching)
(Mia gagging and groaning)
(door creaking)
(deep suspenseful music)
- You know, you kinda have
to appreciate the irony
in all this.
You came here to make
sure I didn't die,
and here I am making
sure that you do.
I mean, maybe that's not
irony, but it is something.
We could ask your
boyfriend, maybe he'd know.
Oh, you know what?
I kinda fried his ass
a few minutes ago.
(blade sawing)
(Mia coughing and gasping)
(Rick gasping)
- It was, it was a GFCI outlet,
eh, can't kill me like that.
(Mia laughing)
(Rick breathing heavily)
- Okay. God, let's go.
- (panting) How 'bout
just rest for a sec?
- We gotta get you to a doctor.
- Ah, don't worry about me.
Go get Abi. Get Abi.
- Okay. Okay.
- Yeah.
You wanna take my blender?
- I'm good.
- Okay.
(groans) There's a, you
got a bicycle chain on the,
oh shit, oh.
Don't worry, dude. We're
gonna get you outta here.
- Did you actually come up here
thinking there was a way out?
Yeah, there's not.
There's no way out.
No hope for you and all
your tears. (fakes crying)
I can, wait.
Yeah, you know, it's just you
and me and death makes three.
Also that little crippled
kid with the glasses.
(deep tense music)
(Abigail winces)
(Abigail crying)
I swear, I don't know why I put
off killing you for so long.
Killing you is gonna
be the most fun since,
well, probably ever.
(Timmy yells)
(Garrett screams in pain)
(saw whirring and buzzing)
(Garrett crying)
(tense scary music)
(Garrett yells)
(Abigail cries out)
(Garrett yells indistinctly)
(tense scary music)
You guys are the worst.
(nail gun pops)
(Garrett grunts)
(Garrett groaning)
- You guys okay?
- I've been better.
Oh, them.
Of course.
Of course you wouldn't
be asking how I'm doing.
- Drop the shovel.
- Or what?
(nail gun popping)
Ow, ow!
(nail gun popping)
(tense suspenseful music)
- I'm gonna sleep in your
skin tonight, like a tauntaun.
(nail gun popping)
(Garrett grunting)
Ah! Uh.
(tense suspenseful music)
(nail gun clicking)
What now?
(nail gun clatters)
- I'll think of something.
And it'll hurt.
(suspenseful music)
- This is all your fault.
All this chaos,
all the death,
this is on you.
(Garrett crashes)
(Garrett yells in pain)
(Garrett gasping)
(Garrett shuddering)
- You got a little something
right, one right here.
Let me get that for you.
(Garrett screaming in pain)
(Garrett thuds)
(Garrett gasping)
(Rick groaning)
(Rick breathing heavily)
(blender clinks)
(gentle tense music)
(Garrett groans lightly)
(chains rattling)
(Garrett grunting)
(board squeaking)
(Garrett yelling)
(Garrett grunting)
(chains rattling)
- I'm gonna need
you to sign this.
(pen clicks)
My life, a smoking
shot of gin
You'll say it's a sin
You'll have to please
forgive the grin
Time for you to die
It's murder and suicide
You've gotta done
a killing spree
- Who just bombs in here,
starts killing folk,
and even brings a few
of his own dead people,
like a, like a bag
lunch or something?
I'm like, "Stop killing folk.
They, they don't like that.
You know, just stop."
And then he, he axes
himself in the face.
- And then he hung himself.
- Right. Right after.
- Shame.
- Yeah. (scoffs)
- Why the ax and the hanging?
Um, well, I guess he believed
that anything worth doing
was worth doing
right. (chuckles)
- Well, we were having
a peanut butter party,
and he just showed up, I
didn't even invite him.
Terrible manners.
- Yeah, I mean mayonnaise
party, go ahead and just,
you know, uninvited, that's
fine, but peanut butter.
- Not peanut butter.
- Huh-uh.
- Fuckin' terrorist,
man. They're everywhere.
- This one was when he tried
to make me eat chicken.
I'm vegan.
- They hate our
freedom, you know.
- Drown guy in the closet?
There was a drown guy
in the closet. (laughs)
Well, they say it only takes
like a teaspoon of water,
don't they?
- True story.
- I mean, you'd have to
be a total retard, but--
- It can happen.
- Yeah, he is missing teeth.
Gingivitis is a bitch.
- I just assumed he was British.
- Hm, he was very pale.
- Hm.
- And stiff.
- Yeah.
- Could've been
the rigor mortis.
- It's a rabbit.
- Riga-what?
- Riga-who?
- Riga-please.
- We're starting
a hip hop group.
(Rick vocalizing)
- We're not.
- We are.
- We are.
(Abigail laughs)