Summer's Last Resort (2026) Movie Script

1
[logo music plays]
[projector music whirs]
[light upbeat music]
[Summer] My mother named me Summer
hoping for breezy and chill.
And what she got was a Type-A Virgo with stress eczema.
What can I say?
Exercising caution is my cardio.
My toxic traits include perfectionism,
anxious attachment, and positive affirmations.
I am consistent. I am persistent. I go with the flow.
I think you could afford a little more flow there, Summer.
We just got lapped by a turtle on crutches.
[chuckling]
[Summer] The human equivalent of 6-7 is Glenn Winters.
Vice Principal of the Year nominee,
slash driver's ed teacher. It's giving budget cuts.
This is fast enough, Mr. Winters.
I'm not trying to impress anyone.
Well, I am impressed with this hand placement.
It's a perfect ten and two right there.
Sometimes I like to cheat and just go twelve,
or sometimes seven and five.
-Good morning, Summer! -Not now, Mrs. Kapoor!
See you in class, though! -[marching band playing]
We just got lapped by Mrs. Kapoor.
You know what? How about a little music?
Maybe that'll chill you out.
[ Dreams by The Cranberries playing]
Oh, yeah! Mm!
Now I'm feeling it Even more
Cranberries! Love The Cranberries.
[Summer scoffs] -[music off]
Okay, not a Cran-Stan.
Trying to set a vibe for you there, Summer.
This is my vibe, okay?
I've prepped for this since February.
Online tutorials, cue cards, I journaled affirmations.
Journals plural, Mr. Winters.
Know what? My daughter is the exact same way.
Always planning.
[clears throat] All right, you know what,
this is my lunch break. If you don't mind...
I am gonna take lunch.
Oh my God! Is that gluten? I'm allergic!
I don't think gluten is airborne. You're fine.
[coughs]
It is when you're spitting in my face!
[coughs] -[engine accelerates]
-[Glenn] Whoa, whoa, whoa... -Oh my gosh! Oh my God!
-How do I slow down? -Use the brakes.
Summer, what are you doing? Brake! Stop, stop, stop! Brake!
-Brake! Stop! -Oh my gosh! [screams]
Brake! Brake! Recalibrating, recalibrating! Look out!
[Summer] Oh my God! -[Glenn screaming]
[learners screaming]
Oh my God! Sorry! [Glenn] Move! Move!
Oh no. Oh no... Oh my God! Brake, Summer! Brake!
-We're all gonna die! -Summer, brake! Brake! Brake!
[tires screeching to a halt] -[mascot screaming]
[relieved sigh]
[airbag pops loudly] -[warning signal pings]
[Glenn coughs]
[both coughing]
Troy! You okay, buddy?
Troy, you okay? Come on, let's get you up, buddy. There we go.
Let's get this off of you.
Breathe. There we go. Get some air.
You good, buddy? Talk to me. Talk to me, Troy.
I just saw some crazy shit in there.
Are you...
Are you high?
Uh, I'm whatever you need me to be, Mr. Winters.
-Boop! -Okay...
[warning signal pinging]
Well, your steering's a mess,
but your mascot takedown is... elite.
Did I fail?
-It's a strong maybe. -[sighing]
[rock music play loudly]
[brakes screech]
[Summer] My mom Milly's parking is like her love life,
short-term and risky,
which is fine with me because we're a good team.
I remind her when the bills are due
and she reminds me it's better late than pregnant.
I've seen some beavers get pounded in my day, but damn!
Sweetheart? Baby?
Are you all right? In one piece?
-I'm all right. Yeah. -Ten fingers, 10 toes?
Mom, I think I failed.
Oh, sweetie, it's not a drug test. It doesn't matter.
This is fine. You're okay. I love you.
Now...
Who the hell let my daughter drive this deathtrap?
[Glenn, stammers] I...
You!
Of course they've got some handsome man in charge
who's probably too busy chasing tail to do your job?
[stammers] Oh, yeah... Um, a beaver tail...
No, this is exactly why we have to smash the patriarchy.
-Amen! -Or a wo-man.
-Uh... -[slight chuckle]
I'm Milly Martin, I'm Summer's mom.
Oh yeah, Summer. She's a terrible driver.
-Well... -I'm...
Glenn Winters, and I'm at your service. Like, forever.
[slight chuckle]
Forever's a little ambitious, don't you think?
Oh, I'm the vice principal here.
Ambition's, like, my brand.
[both chuckle]
[Milly] Um...
[Summer] Look at this idiot falling for my mom!
Wait a minute... Is my mom falling for this idiot?
[sighs] This was not part of my five-year plan.
Right now you really Really just don't get it
But you'll wake up someday and you'll regret it
I'm never ever Gonna change my mind up
So maybe you Should just stop
I know that you think That this is just a phase
But you'll get it someday When it all goes up in flames
That either way
I spent all summer Tryin' to change your mind
It does what it takes And you know I got time
You'll never be, Never be, never be right
Cos I don't want it To work out
[song ends]
[Grayson] Summer!
Grayson, you're already packed?
Already? I've made several coffees
and trades on Frankfurt markets,
we're almost about to leave, and your bag remains empty.
Frankfurt, huh? Speaking of wieners...
-Is Glenn on his way? -Any minute now.
You're cool with that? With him?
Well, I mean, the man's wardrobe is a war crime,
but an award-winning male role model
will look great on my application to Wharton.
-You are 11! -Mom seems happy.
So, why aren't you?
She's tequila, and Glenn is lukewarm chamomile.
-They don't seem like a match. -I wouldn't get too revved.
Mom loves a new project for exactly four months.
They've been together for 3 months, 1 week, 6 days.
Tick-tock, Glenn. Tick-tock.
[Grayson] Summer, if I miss paddleboarding with dolphins,
my therapist is in for a wild session.
[Milly] Almost ready, honey!
Hey, bikinis... Are we sharing or no?
I packed zero bikinis.
She packed zero anything!
Honey, how amazing is it
that our family, us, are going to the Caribbean?
To the El Dorado! Huh?
Sounds like a strip club that takes Groupons.
-Baby, it's a five-star resort. -We still owe back taxes,
and Grayson's laptop literally smells like burning.
Glenn has assured me
that the Vice Principal Awards are taking care of everything.
Which means no one loses any money if someone stays home.
-Ha! -You guys do realize
there are water slides going through fake volcanos, right?
-[gasps] It sounds amazing. -I know.
Does this hypothetical person
have a first name that rhymes with "bummer"?
[Grayson] Six-foot waves every 90 seconds!
Speed, danger and you get pummeled on a schedule.
Oh, sign me up!
This is no surprise! I've been dropping hints for days.
I know, I've ignored every one.
-Great. -Sweetheart, we are not
"resort" people. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Glenn has been nominated for an international award,
and I've already shaved my legs. We're going.
-Mom... -[Grayson] Endless lazy river!
Blackjack! Full-service spa!
Enough, Grayson. It's giving influencer hostage video.
[car honking] -[Milly] Oh!
-[Grayson] Car's here! Come on! -Thanks for the solidarity.
Hey! You need to grab your sad duffle,
paste on a smile and prepare to get sun burnt.
Mm. Normal moms encourage sunscreen.
"Normal"?
It's like you're trying to insult me.
[Summer sighs] -Let's go!
Summer vacation. Woo.
[island music plays]
-[Milly laughs] Wow! -I'm gonna go check us in.
[Milly] Okay. It smells heavenly!
Of course Glenn's the guy who claps when the plane lands.
He wept openly while watching Penguins of Madagascar.
Hey, emotional EQ is the new IQ, kids.
-And that is not a thing. -It is.
It's called empathy. Glenn has it. You should buy some.
-Relax, Bren Brown. -[laughs]
Ooh! Complimentary welcome cocktail!
-Excuse you! -I would never.
Yeah, that might be part of your problem, kid.
-What? -I'm just saying.
We are on vacation, and you could stand to loosen up.
Milly, come and meet the VEEP squad!
It's some of the other nominees!
-Oh yay, fun! -Is this lemonade?
-This is Milly. -Hi!
That's Grayson right there. Yeah...
[gentle music plays]
Is this place the bomb-dot-com, or what?!
[loud slap] -[lemonade splashing]
[Celine] Ooh! -[Summer coughs]
Wrong pipe!
[Glenn] You're not gonna believe this, they upgraded us
-to a villa! -You worked your magic?
How?
I just "Glenn'd" the heck out of it.
[Milly chuckles]
We're gonna go up to the room because
somebody needs a bathroom pass.
-Let's go, I got our bags. -[Milly] Yay!
[door unlocks]
[gasps] Oh my God...
Is this how rich people feel? All the time?
Glenn, this bathroom is bigger than my entire kitchen!
[Grayson] Oh yeah, I can smell the dolphins from here.
Actually, the kids' suite is gonna be next door.
Whoa, wait! I'm sharing a room with Grayson?
God gives His toughest battles to His braves soldiers.
There, there.
Will somebody give me a code to the safe.
This is top-shelf snorkel gear.
Triple-O Seven.
I like it. James Bond, just slightly more dangerous.
[snap teeth at each other]
[both giggle]
This is amazing.
Okay, family, let's change and head to the pool.
No, pass. I burn like a marshmallow,
and those pools have the pH balance of Mountain Dew.
Oh, good point! Why don't we all stay in?
James Bondage and I can get cozy right here.
I'll be shaken and stirred all afternoon long.
-I'll grab my sunscreen. -Excellent choice.
[Grayson] Whoa, Mom, it's better than the brochure!
[Milly] This is unbelievable! -[Glenn] Right?!
[Glenn] I know, right! Getting our steps in!
-There we go, watch yourself. -[Grayson] Yeah.
[Grayson] Wow!
[people laughing and splashing]
[amazed] Oh, kiddo, look at this.
And where are we supposed to sit?
I guess you have to get here early.
[Glenn clears throat]
-I'll go look... over there. -[Milly] Maybe over there?
Nein!
I woke up at six precisely, for this lounger. Bitte, move.
Limited supply, unlimited demand...
It's vacation. Dial down the finance, bro.
[Glenn, shouting] Cannonball!
[Milly gasps, laughs]
Mama needs a margarita.
Dos margaritas, por favor!
Thank you. Yes...
Careful, beautiful. Pace yourself.
I've been pacing myself for 15 years,
but drinking's like a booze bike. The liver never forgets.
Legends never retire! -[laughs]
Is that an octopus tattoo?
I'm good with all my limbs.
Oh, really? Like your... arms?
Sure. Let's go with that.
Flexibility comes in handy from my hot yoga classes.
People call me Captain Otto...
Parasailing, catamaran cruises, anything that gets you wet.
Tempting as that sounds, we just got here.
I'm Milly, and I'm here with someone.
Milly! I'm rocking this class!
-You are! -Aqua Zumba guy?
If you ever want someone a little less jazzy
and someone to, uh, rock your boat...
-[scoffs] Oh. Right. -You know where to find me.
[sighs]
Mama's still got it! Ooh...
[podcast starts] - "Welcome to Episode 975"
of daily affirmations for those looking to let go of control.
Please, as always, repeat after me...
[inhales deeply] - I embrace uncertainty.
I embrace uncertainty.
-Plans are for cowards. - Plans are for cowards.
-[Milly] Honey! -Ooh!
I got the margs!
See you this afternoon, ladies! All right. Oh, yeah.
-Well, that's cute. -Ooh, yeah.
Oh, man! Summer's just sitting on her phone.
Should I be worried?
That's just resting teen face.
They're basically programmed to despise joy.
I just want your kids to like me. Kids usually like me.
Well... [giggles] Kids are dumb!
These are strong.
I mean, didn't your daughter
ever go through a phase like this?
Sadie? Yeah, sure.
But Sadie has totally found herself.
Oh? Well, speaking of...
Maybe we should sneak away and find a private pool?
Summer just needs a jumpstart. Watch this.
Hey, Summer! Summer! Go long!
Life throws challenges. I catch them gracefully.
[Glenn] Summer! -[grunts]
-[Milly] Ooh! -Oh no.
-[swimmer] Nice catch, cheer! -I'm so sorry!
-I'm gonna go get ice. -Yeah.
Get more margs while you're up.
[dreamy music starts]
[stammers] I, um... I fell in.
Yeah, I... I caught that.
Unlike you and that football.
-I'm Summer, by the way. -Crosby.
Your dad's got a cannon. Terrible aim, though.
Oh, he's not my dad. He's just some dingus my mom is dating.
Temporarily.
[both chuckle]
-Let's get you a dry towel. -Yeah.
And that's when I said, "Sorry,"
'cause, you know, Canadian.
Yeah, you have apologized three times already.
This seat has cost me dearly.
Summer, these are my parents, Terry and Celine.
Oh, you poor dear!
You'll never make the Rough Riders with those reflexes.
-We're Canadian! -Mom, please. Nobody cares.
Great. I love Toronto.
(Terry gulps) God forbid! We're from Saskatchewan.
-Dad... -Too bad your phone ate it, eh?
Here's to a tech-free week.
Oh, wait. You're here for the whole week? Awesome.
Us, too.
-I mean... -Smells like love, eh?
[Celine] Oh, Terry, leave them be.
Summer! Got some ice for you. A bucket of ice.
-[swimmer] Heads up, old man! -Ice incoming.
[Summer] Ah! -[Glenn] Oh wow!
-Thank God for free healthcare. -[Summer] Son of a...
[groans] -[Terry] That's gonna hurt.
This will buff right out.
Mom, NASA called and they can see my bruise from space.
Oh, except you're not getting any calls
because your phone took a stupid little swim.
It died doing what it loved most... Being dropped by me.
[Milly chuckles]
Speaking of dropped, your boyfriend gave me a concussion.
It is barely a contusion, and trust me, honey,
he feels worse about it than you do, okay?
Mm... I feel pretty bad.
Mm. Well, he's trying.
Too hard, maybe, but he is. So, give him a shot.
[sighs] Fine, I'll lower my standards.
[dramatic gasp] Never!
What I do think you should do is put this on for tonight.
It'll look like you actually came here on purpose,
and you might get to first base with that cute Canadian.
Why are you like this?
Because one of us has to be, my darling.
Come on, get dressed. This'll be fun.
Stupid Glenn.
[island beats playing]
[Milly] Wow! This looks fun.
-[Glenn] Yeah! -Wow.
Ahoy, eh!
Oh, look who's here.
-Just be yourself. -That's genuinely never worked.
-Here we go! Virgin! -That's personal, Glenn!
Virginity is a social construct.
Predators aren't. Guard your glass, babe.
-Wait, that... -[stammers] No, I meant...
Honey, he means the daiquiri.
Um, sure, Glenn. You know I love my dessert slushed.
[splashes] -[gasps] I am so sorry!
-I am so, so, so sorry. -Oh, honey!
Glenn, let's just go get some club soda.
-[Milly] Yes. -We're gonna get club soda!
-Okay. -I... We're gonna get club soda.
Oh, baby! Do you just wanna go back to the room and change?
I'm actually pretty sick of change.
Honey!
[sighs deeply] -[Crosby] Ahem...
I swear, if you come one foot closer...
Whoa! Good thing I measure steps in metric.
Sure, dude.
Are all American girls this tough?
Are all Canadian boys this thirsty for red flags?
Honestly? Yes. We're very nice.
Sorry, bad joke.
Wow! My first Canadian "sorry."
Plenty more where that came from.
[slight chuckle]
-Parents are the worst. -Well, yours seem nice.
[scoffs] They can't go five seconds without mentioning
poutine or humble bragging about universal healthcare.
And they're gonna flip
when they find out I didn't make Triple-A.
Steaks, or... sports?
Oh, hockey. Which I friggin' hate.
[mock gasp] Mon Dieu! Watch your sweet Canadian mouth.
You think my mouth is sweet?
How sweet do you think it is?
On a scale of one -Funny, funny.
To maple syrup, -Funny... funny.
Where would you put it? -[laughs] Funny.
Listen, are you gonna come back
to this tragic pirate thing and help me win trivia,
or... am I gonna have to pretend to know
more than five American states on my own?
Okay, this I need to hear!
Name five states.
Los Angeles, um...
-What? -That's not a state.
Is that not a state? Frick! Um... No, hold on.
I'm not gonna give you hints or anything.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
I'm not leaving until you name five states, so...
Your sister hates me, Grayson.
She hates me.
Is this your first time dealing with teen daddy issues?
You're vice principal, man.
You know I'm not trying to replace your father, right?
He left when I was three, and he was a bum, so,
you don't have to worry about winning me over.
I get you, Glenn.
Effort doesn't look sexy, but it gets results.
You're an unusual child.
Okay...
Wanna land a permanent contract with the Martin family?
Summer's your key demographic,
and you're marketing yourself all wrong.
I'm listening.
Teen girls can smell beta from miles away. They crave alpha.
Okay... Confused, but continue.
Give us less New Balance Dad, more Ryan Gosling in Drive.
Mystery. Danger. Toothpick.
Where am I gonna get a toothpick?
Okay, uh... let's recalibrate.
Channel Regina George, not Gretchen Wieners.
Stop trying to make fetch happen.
Stop sucking up to Summer.
Start busting her balls.
[chuckles] Ha.
Fist bump.
-You're an unusual man, Glenn. -Yeah, thank you.
[island music playing]
[microphone squealing]
Ladies and gentlemen, guests of the resort!
Tonight, we continue a sacred El Dorado tradition.
Cannonball Carnage Classic!
[guests cheering]
A bold challenge has been thrown down...
Glenn Winters versus Summer Martin!
[crowd reacting]
"Summer", me?
Glenn had half a beer and went rogue!
Ja! Finish him, Fraulein! -[raucous laugh]
Shocker!
-The German loves war, guys. -Okay...
Take him down, Summer! No mercy, eh!
[Milly] Yeah!
[crowd chanting] Summer! Summer!
Summer! Summer...
Dorado demands blood.
Come, Summer! Approach your ball.
[crowd continues chanting]
You get out of your shell and you into that ball!
-Come on, you can do this. -[Terry] Go on, Summer!
It smells like gym class feet in here.
Remember, padre, alpha energy. Alpha, okay?
Right, right, right. Hey! Are you gonna loosen up,
or you want me to send you a calendar invite for playtime?
Ooh! -[crowd jeering]
Excuse me? I said I'd get in the dumb bubble, didn't I?
I'm just saying, why don't you live dangerously for once
and skip the color-coded lists? Hold these. I want a good grip.
It's on, old man! I'm about to code you into the ER!
Oh, I like it! Talking trash! Let's go. Come on, help me out.
-[Crosby] You got it? -Yeah, great.
-Okay, Glenn... -Come on, get me in. Push!
-Prepare to die, Winters! -Let him have it, honey!
[Terry] Go get him!
[Dieter] Come on, Summer!
Still thinking that's your guy?
-Glenn? Oh, my goodness... -[Glenn] Push.
I'm trying this new thing called "commitment."
-[Summer] Let's go! -Bring the mayhem!
Go, goblin mode!
I'll goblin your ass!
Did she say "gobbelin" his ass?
You can't handle me!
You can't handle me!
[Summer and Glenn straining]
[crowd cheering]
[Summer] He's really annoying! -[Glenn] I'm gonna knock you!
[Summer] Come on, Summer. Mind over matter! Ouch!
[laughs]
Can you smell-la-la-la what Glenn is cooking?
Smell this! [straining]
[Glenn] You're all right!
[Crosby] Come on, you got this.
You're on fire, girl!
What? Where?
No, it's a compliment, Summer. You're doing great.
No! Fire isn't great, Glenn! Stop, drop and roll!
[Glenn] No, watch out, Summer! Watch out! No, no, no!
[Dieter] Oh no! Oh no!
[Summer screams] -[guests reacting]
Oh! Oh no.
-Oh! Ooh, no. -Oh my...
[Milly] Oh my God! Baby, are you okay? Sweetheart?
It's okay. It might not be that...
[flame whooshing] -bad.
[Glenn] Wow, wow, wow! Fire! -[Celine] No! Not the cocktails!
[Bishop] Fire! Fire! -[Dieter] Holy Hindenburg!
[Celine] Oh God, no!
[hushed] Glenn, this is really bad.
Does anyone have an extinguisher?
[Dieter] Oh, the humanity! -[Grayson] Holy crap.
[Milly] Okay, um, why don't we back away from the flames?
Come on, we're going, we're going... [yells] Grayson!
[sirens wailing]
[pop music playing over headphones]
[Glenn from above] Arr, matey!
Do you wanna be the captain this time?
[Milly] Ooh, only if you keep the snorkel on.
Oh my God. Absolutely not.
[Glenn and Milly chuckle]
Grayson, I will pay you for your headphones.
[scoffs] With what money?
And besides, I gotta wake up super early tomorrow.
First one to the loungers dominates the economy.
[Glenn] Permission to come aboard?
I finished swabbing the poop deck.
- [Milly] Ooh! -Speaking of dominates...
Good luck.
There's gotta be a midnight boat to Mexico.
Okay, I'm gonna find someplace less scarring to sleep.
[door opening, closing] -[pop music continues]
[birds chirping]
[alarm beeps] -[spy music plays]
[zipper closes]
[bell chimes] -[buckle clicks]
[Grayson grunts] -[ninja star slicing sound]
[water splashes softly] -[birds chirping]
And on the seventh day, he monopolized.
[Danny clears throat] Mr. Grayson, Shirley Temple?
Make it a double. It's gonna be a long day.
[lazy island vibe music]
[plastic flaps]
See? I can be spontaneous... -[engine revving]
If spontaneous combustion counts.
[engine stops]
[girl whoops]
All right, later, Trevon! You absolute chode!
[whooping] Oh, my God! That was crazy. Really.
[sniffs] -Whoa!
[engine revs]
Did I miss Fyre Festival? Again?
It was an accident.
Oh. Damn, girl! Glad someone here knows how to party.
-It was lit. -I was supposed to meet up
with my old man yesterday, but I got sidetracked
by that adults-only place down at the other beach.
[squeals] Banana-hammocked himbos. My kryptonite.
-Sounds festive. -Yeah.
Technically, this was my mom's new terrible boyfriend's fault.
Ooh, do tell! I love a villain origin story.
Most girls would key his Tesla, call it a day.
This guy, he's just so... beneath her.
Then get beneath him. Bang him into Breakup Town.
[scoffs] Gross! I don't dumpster dive!
[laughs] Neither do I! No, but seriously.
Don't let Mom's latest dick ruin paradise.
Anyway... [clears throat]
Hit me up if you wanna launch a family coup.
Um, honestly, it'll help me dodge mine.
Toodles!
How about see you never, Harbor Ho.
[island music playing]
Hey, kid, are...
Are you using all these chairs?
"Using" is subjective. You got Venmo?
Who made you Secretary of Seating?
Thanks for stopping by. Cash or crypto only.
How about a peak at lefty?
Reducing women to a single boob is why we lost the midterms.
Thanks for the feminist lecture.
[Bishop clears throat]
Mr. Martin, you are aware that the hoarding of loungers
violates resort policy.
You built the system, Bishop, I just broke it.
You are treading very dangerous waters, young man.
Well, lucky for me, I brought floaties.
-Hm! -Thank you.
-Uh, cash? -In the box, please.
Thank you.
-Mm! Love hotel eggs. -[Milly] Hm!
And where have you been, young man?
Relax, Mom. Treat yourself to some extra whip on that venti.
What?
[chuckles] Okay...
What? Like your family's never exploded a hut?
Oh yeah.
Sorry, everybody, if we ruined your evening with our balls.
Flaming balls, no less.
Can everyone please stop saying "balls"?
[hushed] Sorry. Sorry.
-Dad? Hey! Oh my God! Hi! -Sadie! Sadie, you're here.
Oh, my goodness! Oh, I missed you!
Sadie, hi!
We... totally knew you were coming!
Well, I wanted my best girls all together
for this very special trip.
Sorry, buddy. No offense.
It's okay. I'm post-gender and SPF 50.
Oh, you must be Summer. I feel like I already know you.
I can't imagine why.
[laughing loudly] -[Glenn] Sit, sit, sit.
So, what happened? You were supposed to be here days ago.
I know. I got so tied up launching this, like,
charity startup thing.
It's micro loans for rescue animals. I mean, you get it.
[Glenn laughs] Look at my Sadie changing the world!
[chuckles] I am.
Oh, Summer, totally forgot.
I wanted to apologize to you with apology pancakes,
extra chocolate syrup there because, you know, guilt.
-Great. -And that's not all.
[clears throat] Summer, do you remember
our little epic bumper ball battle?
-Do I remember? -You're not gonna believe this!
-I won a prize! -What?
My third-degree burns weren't trophy enough?
Oh, sweetheart, they were second-degree at best.
No, no, no, it's way better. Check this out.
A swim for two at Cetacean Station
with El Dorado's most experienced dolphin
named Bubbles who's, like, 98 in dolphin years.
That means Bubbles survived the Titanic! The movie.
So, who's your lucky plus-one gonna be, Mr. Winter?
Who should I take? -[Milly] Hm?
[Glenn] Who should I take? Eeny, meeny, miny...
I'm going with my bumper-ball buddy, obvee, Summer!
-We're swimming with a dolphin. -[Sadie laughs loudly]
[Milly whispers] Have fun with Free Willy's side piece.
[excited crowd noise]
Are you sure you don't want Mom? She lives for an audience.
Or Sadie? She traveled all this way to see you.
I owe you this, Summer. Okay?
I'm gonna win you over if it's the last thing I do!
[MC] Ladies, gentlemen and non-marine mammals,
please find your seats. The show will start soon. Ha!
[crowd laughing]
Seriously, I'm good watching from the sidelines.
Summer, chill out, would you?
It's just, like, a really big fish.
You've got nothing to worry about. This dolphin is a pro.
There you go! You ready? [laughs] Look at us!
We're the dolphin people!
[Glenn laughs]
[Glenn chirps like a dolphin]
[stomach growls] -Oh God...
[MC] Welcome, everyone, to El Dorado's pride and joy,
Cetacean Station! -[crowd cheers]
The Caribbean's best dolphin show! Whoo! Look at that!
[Glenn excited] Jumpy! Splashy! We're in the splash zone!
[MC] Hey, everyone! We have a treat for you today.
Yeah, meet Bubbles.
Here she is,
Our most beloved dolphin. She's 98 years young,
and retiring in dos dias. That's "two days" in Spanish.
-Wow! -A little Espan-y'all...
[all laughing]
-[Summer] Oh God. - Say hi, Bubbles!
Do the wavey thing! I love it.
-Whoa! - Look at that! Wavey!
Come on, Wavey. That's my baby... Bubbles.
Ew! Smells like Bubbles is two days from death,
if you know what I mean.
[MC] Do it, do it! Oh! Look at that.
Pretty sure that's me. [moans] -What? Oh no, no, no...
Those pancakes I got you, they...
they were supposed to be gluten free, weren't they?
-Glenn! -I'm sorry.
They were guilt pancakes.
Doesn't gluten cancel out guilt?
-No. -[water bubbling]
[Glenn gags]
[MC] Guys, I'm seeing some unusual underwater turbulence.
Glenn, there's more coming, my biological weapon.
Just try and hold it. Hold it in. [gagging]
I'm so sorry, Bubbles. It's a medical condition.
[MC] All right, everyone,
Bubbles seems to be reacting strangely to something.
Let's see if we can calm her down.
[Bubbles squealing] -Hey, my girl.
Hey, hey. Deep, calming breaths.
In the mouth, out the spout.
[Glenn groaning] -Oh my God.
Dolphins are very sensitive creatures.
This is a very delicate ecosystem!
Oh, okay. Sorry, everybody.
There was a lot more zucchini in that omelet than I thought!
Stop trying to take credit for my farts.
-I'm trying to help you out. -You're not helping.
Yeah, sorry, everybody! Oh, gosh, I...
I drank some tap water right out of a tap! Glug, glug, glug.
[Bubbles moaning, chittering] -Bubbles? Hey, hey... Bubbles?
Oh, mein Gott! Ze dolphin is having ze stroke!
[Bubbles moaning] -[crowd reacting]
Bubbl... Kimberly?
Oh God, no! Oh my God!
I never told her how I felt! Kimberly!
I thought her name was Bubbles.
That's her stage name because she's a star.
You think the Gaga family named their daughter Lady?
[crowd gasping] -[Woman] That dolphin's dead!
[crowd gasping] -Oh my God! Kimberly?
We literally man slaughtered a dolphin!
I've literally farted Kimberly to death!
Kimberly? Oh my God! What do I tell her grandkids?
-She has grandkids? - I told them
I loved their grandmother,
but I couldn't do anything because she's a dolphin,
and dudes and dolphins don't go together!
Okay, okay! Cut it out, man!
You're making this way weirder than it already is. Just stop!
You know what, Glenn? We have to save her.
Yeah, we have to.
-Ready? Three, two, one. -Yeah. Yes.
Okay, Bubbles, here I come.
[Summer] Swim faster! I'll meet you on the other side.
Save her for me, please!
Here I come, Bubbles!
[sobbing] I've always cared about her.
From the day I met her.
-I'm gonna save you, Bubbles. -[sobbing] Kimberly!
-Be careful with her. -Bad day to be a dolphin.
Get her up, come on. Okay.
We got her. Okay, baby girl.
Okay, all right. Summer's emissions took you out,
now my emissions are gonna bring you back.
All right, Summer,
-I'll breathe into the blowhole. - Are you marine biologists?
-You're gonna compress. -Compress what, Glenn?
-She's mostly cartilage. -Then compress cartilage
like you've never compressed cartilage before. You ready?
-Yeah. -Okay, baby girl.
Stay with us. Here we go.
[voice echoes] Okay. One... two, three.
[squelches] -[blowing]
[Summer strains]
Stay with us, Kimberly!
Come on, Kimberly. Compress! Compress!
Don't go toward the light!
[Glenn gags, blowing] -Oh, that's unpleasant.
Compress! Compress!
Goddamn, Kimberly, you're so slippery!
[Glenn] Okay, come on. We're good. Come on, baby!
[Milly] I guess this is why you get the travel insurance?
Pretty sure tongue-in-blowhole voids the policy, Mom.
Come on, girl, stay with us!
Yes, Glenn. I think you're crushing it!
Keep going, keep going! Keep blowing! Blow!
[retching breaths]
Compress! Compress!
[blows, retches]
Am I just a bit dehydrated, or is this kinda hot?
It's like Shark Week meets Fifty Shades.
[spurting]
[Kimberly chittering] -[MC] Oh my God!
[Glenn] Take a deep breath!
Oh, my God! -[crowd cheering wildly]
What just happened?
[Glenn] We did it!
She's alive. Oh, she's alive! Oh, baby girl!
It's a flipping miracle!
[Terry] Yeah!
Told you I'd win you over.
All it took was a little mouth-to-blowhole.
You really need to work on your phrasing.
I did that on porpoise.
[chuckles] Porpoise!
Milly! We did it!
It worked!
The dolphin lifesavers!
[Kimberly chittering happily]
[Glenn, whooping] I saved that dolphin! Did you see that?
Uh-uh-uh! We saved that dolphin.
We saved that dolphin. You were so good at those compressions.
[Summer] Thanks again for covering for me.
[Glenn] No worries! That's what families do, kid.
But... how are you so fine with being fart-famous?
Well, you grow up a homeschooled bassoonist,
you learn to live with the looks and the laughs.
This is probably TMI, but my first marriage broke up
because I tried to dictate everything.
How we looked as a family. How other families look at us.
Turns out, life is a lot more fun if you just stop caring.
Even if that means your mugshot now hangs at Cetacean Station.
Look, Summer, whatever this is...
your mom makes me feel like I'm good enough.
Sometimes, she even makes me feel like I'm great, and...
I would like to hold onto that.
I know you're trying, Glenn. It's low-key cool.
Which is insane because... bassoon.
-Yeah, bassoons are weird. -[Crosby] Summer!
[Glenn] Ooh, look who's staging a rescue. [chuckles]
Go! Fly toward the light.
You've suffered enough, my child.
[gentle music playing]
[Crosby] So, how does it feel to finally vacation? As a verb?
[Summer] Oh, mildly terrifying. Relaxation feels like a scam.
[Crosby chuckles]
Sounds like you grew up in one of those houses where mess core
was the default setting.
Always. And my mom is basically a kid.
She's the best, but... someone had to adult.
Sorry! Uptight-girl rant over.
Uptight? You're a one-woman wrecking crew.
Summer, you blew up a tiki hut,
nearly assassinated a dolphin...
-Are you intimidated, Crosby? -Try "inspired."
-Shut up. -I'm serious.
If you can weather all those things and survive, then...
maybe I can tell my dad I don't wanna play hockey next year.
You can. If I can survive my family, so can you.
Live your truth.
Well, truthfully... I wanted to kiss you last night.
But, you know, you were on fire.
Well, no flames now, so...
Hello, peasants!
[raucous laugh] 'Sup, Arsonista! Eh-bae!
Mind if I crash whatever sad dry hump this was?
You're topless.
I'm wearing a sign. It's called fashion.
Anyway, Crosby, I'm freshly single
if you wanna pivot from Zamboni to Zambone-me...
-Oh my God. -[Gary] Miss Winters!
Miss Winters, this is your final warning!
Oh, calm your nips, Gary! You love it.
Okay. Later, puck boy. Stay basic, pyro. [yelps]
That sign is resort property! Miss Winters! Miss Winters!
Insane to believe that Glenn created that!
Yeah, your sister's a whole thing!
-[scoffs] She is not my sister. -Not yet.
But Glenn flew her in special. He's down bad.
I gotta go get ready for yoga. I'll see you later.
Okay, um... sure.
Could somebody give me a code for the safe?
[voice distorts] This is top-shelf snorkel gear.
I wanted my best girls together
-for this very special trip. -[voice distorts]
I wanna hang on to that.
James Bond, just slightly more dangerous.
James Bond wouldn't stash his sleep apnea strips
with his flippers, Glenn.
[beeps, unlocks]
Gosh, no.
No, no, no! This cannot happen. This cannot happen!
No kidding, Nancy Shrew.
Sadie? What the hell are you doing?
I'm celebrating your mom's upcoming divorce!
Glenn wants to wife up my mom!
A woman who's boxed wine and drugstore mascara,
all wrapped up in an abandoned vision board.
Hey! You're the one to talk! Your dad's the king of cringe!
If they get married, Glenn'll be dorking around our house
shooting me unironic finger guns. Forever!
Yeah, and you know what's extra vile? This is my inheritance.
Oma smuggled it past Checkpoint Charlie in nature's coin purse.
That's one way to part the Iron Curtain, am I right?
Okay. Well, let's leave Oma's purse out of this.
He's thoughtful,
so he'll want to propose at the Vice Principal Awards.
Big stage, karaoke... My mom's actual religion.
Oh! So then we agree? It's sabotage time.
[gasps] It's like The Parent Trap, but we'll make it evil.
Okay, so what's the plan?
[scoffs] Summer, chill. This is very in my wheelhouse.
Welcome to the sisterhood of the traveling home wreck.
Take a seat in my office.
Deep breath, ladies. Reach for the sky.
Feel that stretch deep in your spine.
[Milly sighs happily]
Finally, some girl time.
I know. You and me, getting bendy on a Caribbean beach.
-Who would've thunk? -Mm.
Forward fold...
Open the hips...
I still can't believe we're here.
I mean, it's been...
-shockingly tolerable. -[Milly gasps]
You'd better be careful. Sounds like you're having fun.
Join me now for downward dog.
[Milly] I needed this after the flight.
Transition into baby... [sighs] ...cobra.
Breathing through it, enjoying each breath... together.
Release the pelvisss...
That is where we hold all of our tension.
You see, ladies, flexibility is a virtue.
One we can come and celebrate every day.
Sometimes more than once.
The man should be on a watch list.
He's like if HPV had a timeshare.
[Summer grimaces] -[slight scoff]
There was a point where I would've followed that
gas-station boner pill right into the sunset.
And ghosted him right before sunrise.
[laughs] Hey, I owe you to one of those guys.
-Mom! -It's true.
Find yourself in an easy pose and just relax.
Oh yeah. Ooh, yeah!
-But now you have Glenn. -He's less...
walking crime spree, and more emotional support pug.
Genetically weak and prone to snoring?
No!
Kind. He actually listens to me when I ramble.
Usually, you would've already gotten bored and rambled off.
Mm, yeah, Milly's famous four-month expiration date?
I'm aware, sweetheart.
Join me now in a shavanasa... or whatever that means to you.
I wonder if Glenn needs someone who's a little... easier.
But then,
it's been a long time since I thought about settling down.
But, Mom, I don't... I don't want you to settle.
Wait a second, this isn't a bit.
Sweetheart, you really don't like Glenn?
No, I... I do.
Uhm, just not...
Not for me?
If you'd like, join me now for three ohms.
Ohm...
Summer...
You are my person, okay?
And I trust you more than anyone in the world, so if...
If you want me and Glenn to slow our roll, then we will.
[group, chanting] Ohm...
I want you to slow your roll.
[emotional chuckle] Wow...
[group] Ohm...
Thank you for being honest with how you feel, kiddo.
[group] Ohm...
[Grayson] Hey, hey! Not bad for a Tuesday.
Enjoying your monopoly, Mr. Martin?
Capitalism's no crime, Bishop.
No, it's not. Though, fraud might be.
-[stammers] Fraud? -Mm.
You said that I had an official El Dorado reservation.
Officially endorsed. Terms and conditions clearly apply.
You think you're the first guest
to try and game the lounger system?
Alas, no.
If you do not cease and desist,
we will have no choice but to escort you to...
-The Holding Room. -[scary sting]
El Dorado has a dungeon?
Let's just say it's a comfortable place
to reconsider one's choices, hm?
Nothing says "free market" like taking my money back.
-Wait. -[clicks tongue] See ya, kid.
-Your refund, sir. -Thank you.
You got me this time, Bishop. Touch.
Ooh, money in the box...
money out the... box.
[Sadie] Took you long enough!
Did you get what we need from around the pool?
[Summer] I'm haunted by how easy it was.
That's your innocence dying. Try not to make it a thing.
And what exactly are we gonna do with all...
What did I just say about the thing-making,
little thing-maker? Hm?
It's gonna be a classic bait-and-switch
with a chaser of John Wick cosplay.
What are you talking about?
Did you even watch the Ocean's Eleven movies?
You're being a real Matt Damon.
I just, um... I've been thinking, Sadie,
maybe we don't have to do all of this.
His proposal's gonna be really public,
and I don't want to humiliate my mom, or even Glenn.
All right. You know what, Summer?
Guess what I had to do to score the gear for this operation.
I had to give Gary a sunscreen rub-n-tug.
-The security guard? -Shh!
Eew, eew, eew.
So, smile, babe.
Because tonight's gonna be absolute scenes. [happy squeal]
[sighing] I cannot spend Thanksgiving
with someone who uses "rub-n-tug" as a verb.
Blink if you've ever done anything this dumb.
Hey, you're acting weird.
I assume this is about Glenn proposing?
You know about that?
He got emotional during our couples' massage.
Said I'd always be the man of the house.
He picked sandalwood. It was nice.
Anyway, I've got to steam my cummerbund for the awards.
Resort casual does not mean resort sloppy.
-Wow! -Mom, you look amazing.
You... You really do.
-Hubba hubba. -Thank you.
Oh, yeah.
Who's ready for karaoke? Mom?
Tonight's the night! I'm doing "Wrecking Ball"!
Full choreo! No apologies.
Feels prophetic.
[Glenn clears throat]
[beeping, unlocking] -Okay...
Okay...
Okay, Glenn. Don't Glenn this up.
[exhales nervously]
[upbeat music playing]
Okay, guys, here we go. Get in there.
[crowd chatting and laughing]
[Glenn, exhaling] Okay...
Blow me, Celine.
Oh, you made it, eh?
Great to see the Viceys in person.
Yeah.
I'm glad someone's still winning awards around here.
My last two wins were virtual.
It's hard to shotgun a Molson over Zoom!
Celine dominated the Moose Jaw School District,
but you haven't really made it
until you've accepted a Vicey in a thong!
[whooping]
And tonight, our boy Glenn's
nominated for the Stanley Cup of education,
Vice Principal of the Year!
[chuckles] -Yeah. No pressure here!
-Yeah. -[Milly laughing]
-Hey, tonight's your night. -I hope so.
-Yeah. -I hope so...
-All right, let's sit. -Okay...
And so, while the "pretty boy" principals
get all the podcast invites, and the TikToks that go viral,
it is the vice principals
who truly keep the educational system from total collapse!
[crowd agreeing, cheering] -Yeah!
[Celine whoops]
VPs do it better! [whooping]
[softly] Hey... Hey, Summer.
I was hoping we'd hang, but you kind of vanished.
I'm sorry. Stuff got kinda hectic.
It kinda feels like you're avoiding me.
[speech continues indistinctly]
It's just, I had to deal with some... Sadie.
Oof! I hope you packed antibiotics and the holy water.
[nervous sigh] -Where is Sadie?
Great question.
You know... speaking about messy family business,
I, um... I took your advice.
I told my dad I don't wanna play Triple-A next year.
Whoa. Big swing.
How did it go? -[exhaling slowly]
Full rage-quit. Controller through the drywall, basically.
You know, he... he didn't even say sorry.
Well, I'm sorry.
-But, your dad'll come around. -Maybe.
Oh, we have nametags. I'm gonna keep mine hand-packed.
You know, I bet Glenn would've handled it so much better.
There's your name.
He just wants his people to be happy, you know.
God, I'm so sick of hearing how great Glenn is!
Sorry.
Und now, the moment that we've all been waiting for...
Okay...
The biggest award of the evening...
[drumroll]
The Vice Principal of the Year is...
The wonderful...
Glenn Winters, everyone! Yeah! -[all cheering]
-I'm so happy for you. -Here we go.
Yes! [laughing]
Here we go! -[cheering continues]
[Glenn, whoops] Yeah! Thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you. Thank you, Dieter.
-Thank you, yeah. -[applause dies down]
I, uh... I love being a vice principal, you know.
We get to lead
without anyone expecting miracles. Or charisma.
[crowd laughing]
Unless you're Terry and Celine.
They don't have sunblock, but they have charisma.
I have no interest in wearing the crown. No way.
-Way too many emails, you know. -[crowd laughing]
I just want to do the work. I wanna help.
Hey, speaking of help, I wanna shout out my helper,
right over there, my date tonight, Milly Martin.
Hi. Milly's here with her two incredible kids.
Where is Grayson? There's my guy. He's already cooked.
Take him out the oven, he knows exactly who he is.
He doesn't have to announce it to anyone.
To be honest, Grayson,
I trust you more than I trust most grown men!
[crowd laughing]
If they actually paid vice principals,
I'd invest all my money with you, buddy!
[all laughing]
And also, I've gotta give a shout out to Summer.
Milly's daughter, Summer.
Yeah. Summer plans everything, carries everyone,
asks for nothing in return.
Thank you, Summer. I mean that. You make everything better.
[softly] Still set on hating Captain Kindness?
I feel so lucky to have those two kids and Milly in my life.
Milly makes everything an adventure.
Milly, uh, you make everything brighter.
Louder.
Better. [chuckles]
-Thank you. -[mouths] Thank you.
Uh, all that said... [clears throat]
I want to ask Milly Martin to come to the stage for, uh...
Well, a little duet.
Milly Martin
to the Vice Principal's office, please.
[all applauding] -Get on up here.
[crowd cheering]
-[Glenn] There you go. -[microphone squealing]
Hi, everyone. I didn't really plan on doing this mid-win!
But, you know, I am always karaoke-ready,
so, DJ, will you hit us with some "Paper Planes", please?
Actually, Milly, I wanted to sing a duet with you...
-for the rest of our lives. -[crowd] Aw...
["Paper Planes" by M.I.A.] - Oh my God!
[crowd] Aw...
[slight chuckle] Um...
Um, Glenn!
Now, listen, I'm gonna be a little off-key, everybody.
Are you sure you wanna do it like this?
You know, in front of all these teachers?
"Teachers"? You just demoted Beyonc to backup dancer.
I'm sorry, that was not my intention.
Glenn, baby, please? Please...
Can we just go somewhere and talk about this?
This is really not a good time.
Whoa, what is this?
[crowd gasps] -No, no, no.
American guns! Get down!
Wait!
Those aren't guns, bud.
Everybody, calm down. It's Glenn.
Crosby's right. Everybody chill!
-I don't know what these are. -What are you doing?
They're stuck to me, everybody.
Are we trying to rob the joint with water guns?
[Glenn] These aren't mine!
Is that glue? -[gun shooting on track]
[crowd screaming]
Oh, shooting! Oh my God!
That I do recognize from Texas.
Glenn killed a dolphin, and now he's gonna kill us!
I... I didn't do that!
We're going down harder than the Jays in game seven!
-I'm coming, son! -It's just the song!
[glass breaks]
Get behind me!
This is why we don't vacation south of Buffalo!
[glass smashing] -Damn, Celine!
This is playoff energy! -[Summer] Wait...
[Celine] Elbows up! -[Crosby grunts]
-[Summer] Oh my God! I'm sorry. -[Crosby spits]
Damn, Summer, just say you're not interested.
They're not real! I don't know what they are,
they're just stuck to me right now.
Glenn, get down!
[screams] -[loud thud]
[crowd screaming hysterically]
This is the worst karaoke ever!
Glenn? Glenn? Stop, you're hurting him!
Are you okay?
[cable ties zipping] -I don't...
I have tolerated the chaos of this family at my poolside,
but this?
Disrupting the integrity of the Viceys is a step too far.
[Glenn strains]
[Milly] This is a misunderstanding. It...
Allow me to escort you to The Holding Room.
Call the embassy! Call the embassy!
[panicked] Glenn! Glenn!
Whoo! Can I get another beer?
[door beeps, opens]
El Dorado is a sanctuary.
People come here to forget the horrors of daily life,
not to endure firearm pageantry.
Come on, man! They're water guns.
Or attempted bottle nose homicide!
That dolphin was fine.
And to be honest, she was wanted it.
I actually felt uncomfortable.
Not another word, Mr. Winters!
You will contemplate your choices in here!
[door beeps, unlocks]
[water bubbling]
[Glenn scoffs]
Your jail cell has cucumber water?
We are a luxury resort, not Shawshank.
[gentle music plays] -Look, I'm...
I'm so sorry about what happened tonight.
I was just trying to propose to the woman I love.
Oh, Mr. Winters,
love always finds a way. And trust me...
El Dorado is no stranger to water gun shenanigans.
[electronic beep]
Please, take a seat.
Allow me to unstick you.
[door beeps]
Oh, excuse me! Is Glenn okay?
Mrs. Martin, I thought it best that Mr. Winters
have some reflection time after tonight's fiasco.
What even was that?
Oh, that face means I'm not gonna like the answer.
Here. It's the last of my lounger loot.
Thanks for taking good care of him.
Of course.
Summer...
[exhales shakily] So, um...
Things were just moving crazy fast, and uh...
Sadie and I might've pulled a really tiny,
deeply stupid prank.
Sadie? Of course this was the future felon in flip flops.
-No, Mom. -Honey...
It was actually mostly my idea.
What do you mean?
You're... You are supposed to be the responsible one.
No, you are, Mom!
-I'm sorry, I... -Hey, hey, hey, stop.
It is you, and you, and me. You're my people.
Honey, I thought...
I thought that this was different.
I thought that this was responsible.
I thought we could add one more person to our equation
without burning down the house.
-That's not what I meant. -Honey...
Enough, okay?
I need the two of you to wait here for me...
[door beeps]
Wow! Hard times really changed you, Glenn.
What's next, a Mike Tyson face tattoo?
Can you tell me what the hell happened tonight?
And where is my mother's ring?
Your daughter humiliated you on stage and then bolted with it.
Oh? Well...
Sadie must've had her reasons.
She probably pawned the diamond and is halfway to Jamaica now.
Hey, hey, hey... That's my kid you're talking about, okay?
And also... my kid was involved too.
-What? Summer was involved? -Yes!
-She hates me that much? -No! She loves me that much.
And, Glenn, the point is...
Uh...
The thing is...
Glenn, we have to break up.
Okay, uh...
Milly, Milly... Milly. [chuckles nervously]
Our kids did something really, really dumb tonight.
That doesn't mean that we have to do something dumb.
This is just happening too fast.
Yeah, because it's fresh.
It's new, it's exciting. It's rare. You know this.
I... You...
You weaponized a DJ!
My love for you is explosive.
-So was Chernobyl. -I wanna tell everyone that!
But... And you told everyone
up on a stage when we were all dressed up
and in front of all of our loved ones, with karaoke?
If you think that's my literal dream come true
then you don't know me at all.
Okay, Milly.
You know what? Maybe... Maybe we just are too different.
But at least I'm out there, I'm giving it a go.
At least I'm brave enough to try.
[whispers] I tried.
I'm done, Glenn.
[sombre music plays]
[waves crashing]
[Milly sobbing]
[door opens]
She's still crying.
[sighs]
Glenn did last longer than her pottery phase.
Mom will bounce back.
Sadie...
[stammers] She took this way too far.
Stop trying to blame everyone but yourself, Summer.
You did this. Not just to Mom, but everyone.
Oh, my God...
Mom's not the only one that likes Glenn.
You like him, too.
Yeah, of course, I do.
I still have PTSD from Mom's previous loser boyfriends.
[sighs] Remember that... racist puppeteer guy?
The one with the ferret named after his ex?
[both] Doug.
[Milly continues sobbing]
Glenn's a chill guy.
He's nice, and he just wants to be a part of this,
even after you did... that.
I'm gonna miss that dweeb.
[island music playing]
[guests chatting and laughing]
[glass clinks] -[exhales deeply]
Four mimosas before 10 a.m.?
I'm deeply impressed and slightly aroused.
[Milly groans] Read the room!
It's sadder than the first five minutes of "Up" out here.
Sounds like you need Captain Otto's patented hangover cure.
More booze.
Well, I'm kinda spiraling.
You know, last night I torched my relationship
with the sweetest man I've ever known.
Glenn is romantic and dependable.
Maybe Glenn can marry his perfect credit score.
And I set fire to every good thing I'm close to,
and I don't know why I'm like this!
Because you're like me.
Allergic to boring.
-I mean, vice principal? -Well...
The Vice Principal of the Year!
Yeah, but has he ever done Bible school coke
off a nun's tramp stamp?
That is concerningly specific.
Don't kink-shame my Catholic childhood.
[Milly scoffs]
Don't you want to go work?
Take people parasailing, or whatever.
My schedule's pretty flexible.
No obligations, no ties, no kids.
Not within subpoena range.
[scoffs] Oh my God.
Twenty-something me would've eaten you up.
I recognise my people, Milly.
You are a free spirit, you need space to run,
not someone who's trying to domesticate you.
You just forgot who you really are.
[scoffs] Oh? A train wreck with commitment issues?
[in Spanish] A mamacita so spicy...
[in English] they had to retire your thong to the rafters.
They did. Thank you.
You know, I got a little side-hustle going on.
Might help you reconnect with your wild side?
Slightly illegal, totally invigorating.
Why don't you, uh... come by my yacht?
I'm hot, and drunk. And we're in the Bahamas.
The bad choice is practically mandatory.
-There she is. -[glasses clink]
Welcome back, killer.
[slight cough]
[birds calling]
[Summer] Crosby? Crosby!
I've been looking for you.
Hey, how are you feeling?
Great.
Um... I like your tube. I really like the orange.
[mouthing]
Crosby, hey...
Yesterday was a mess.
Turns out my version of selfless
is just selfish with better branding.
I was micromanaging family
and I wasn't listening to you at all.
Anyways, I'm listening now.
And in the spirit of full disclosure,
Glenn wasn't the dolphin assassin.
It was me.
My gas.
My anxiety farts.
Maintain proper tube distance!
This river is lazy, not lawless.
Sorry, Vice Principal Dieter.
Summer, I spent years in hockey locker rooms.
My nose is just decorative at this point.
But it was pretty obvious who crop-dusted Kimberly.
-Oh my God. You knew? -Had a hunch.
Didn't care.
Okay, good. Because my stomach is killing me right now.
And not because of gluten, because I like you.
[slight scoff] -A lot.
Guess you'll be happy to know that your water gun stunt
saved my ass.
Dad saw our lives flash before his eyes
and agreed it's too short for me to waste chasing pucks.
Wait, so you're free?
Now it's just lacrosse,
curling and competitive moose wrestling.
Seriously?
[chuckles] No, but your panic face is incredible.
[Travis] Look, you two.
You keep those hands north of the Mason-Dixon line.
This ain't prom night in Amarillo.
[chuckles] That was a hell of a night, though...
Though, wait till he hears I wanna apply to universities
in the States. Not Sadie's.
You know, Idaho's got some aggressively average colleges.
Maybe I could give you the official tour.
-I'd be down. -[Dieter] Miss Martin, please!
Our winner is losing it on top of the Tower of Courage!
This is not how excellence behaves!
Arguing with a teen lifeguard.
We respect the whistle, no matter who wields it.
You know, it probably doesn't help
that your mom just sailed off with Captain Otto.
Locals call him the octopus,
and it's not because of his squishy heart.
I have to fix this.
I'm off to save my mom!
[Girl] Can you move this dad-in-meltdown along?
[Boy] Let's go, Boomer. We get it, life didn't pan out.
[whimpering]
Sir, you can't just cap at the top of the water slide!
Hey man! I'm a paying customer!
My feelings are also all-inclusive!
Any day now, buddy. My kids are aging out of daycare here!
Excuse me, sir. Do you mind?
Do I mind? I have a PhD in extramolecular physics.
Every moment here is the worst day of my life.
I don't mind. Here you go, you talk to him.
Goddamnit, this family...
[megaphone squeals] -Glenn, what are you doing?
[Glenn] I'm taking control of my destiny!
You're wearing Grayson's water wings!
You look like a midlife-crisis mermaid!
Yeah, well, it's symbolic... because I'm drowning!
You can't stand me, and now I've lost your mom!
Isn't this what you wanted, Summer?
Yeah! I... I thought I hated you.
But, I just resented how you highlighted my...
personality drought.
And if Mom could have someone fun who also adults,
she'd finally notice that I'm neither!
Come on, Summer!
You're the reason your mom has made it this far!
Now she's steering straight into a Category 5.
Dipshit named Otto!
Milly's messy and impulsive.
Basically Sadie, if she knew what a landline was.
Thank you, I hate that insight.
She needs you, Glenn! We all do!
Even me.
You mean that?
Yes! Now, quit pity-partying and nut up!
-Yeah! -Lose the floaties
and let's find Mom!
[screaming]
Captain Otto is about to get Glenn'd... hard and fast!
Phrasing! But, yeah. Get your ass down here, and let's go!
Yes, chef! Coming right down!
[Dad] Move along!
Help me out. Help me out. Help me...
Come on! -[Glenn] Let me down.
-Just hold on, just hang on. -You can do it...
-I'm gonna go down. -You can do it...
-Don't let go. Don't let go! -You can do it!
-You can do it! -I can do this!
-You can do it! -I can do this! [screaming]
[laughs victoriously] I did it!
The water went in my butt!
There's so much water in my butt.
[Glenn and Summer panting]
Hustle! Mom's about to shipwreck her life
on Otto's bachelor barge!
I'm trying, but sand is like nature's Stairmaster.
Mrs. McDavid, we're taking these jet skis
in the name of love, liberty, and loosely planned heroics.
[Celine]Say no more! Terry, scoot!
[Terry] Copy that! -[Summer] Mount up, Glenn.
Summer, I can't drive it. I've had two Coors Lights.
That's practically water in Canada.
-[both] Not now, Terry! -Sorry.
You have to drive.
I haven't been behind the wheel
since I traumatized the marching band.
Summer, just relax. You don't have to be perfect, okay?
Just let go.
Okay, fine. But if I hear one note of the Cranberries,
you're swimming.
Noted. Silent, but internally grooving.
You're my Bahama mama, baby
I wanna scuba in your lagoon
You know, that's an original track.
I call it "Tidal Wave Between Her Thighs".
Sticky, yeah.
[Milly clears throat]
Hey, Otto, you own all this?
Till the bank catches up, but the joke's on them.
-International waters, baby. -[both chuckle]
So... this is your denture glue?
Okay, technically it's my friend Norma's,
a 72-year-old retired orthodontist, divorced.
Boat-rich but... starved for human touch.
Oh yeah, that tracks.
Have you ever met someone that's so...
oddly stable that it makes you question your entire existence?
[scoffs] Nah. Stability's like condoms. It ruins the thrill.
[scoffs in disgust] -Speaking of fun...
How about I play you another track from my EP?
It's called "Anchors A-Wet".
[sighs] Do, uh... do you have a restroom here?
It's a boat, so it's called the head.
And if it's yellow I let it mellow.
Actually, you know what?
Don't flush either way.
[Milly, softly] Oh my God. I have to get out of here.
[Cranberries playing] -Then I open up and see
Doing great, Summer. That's it. Just stay in your lane!
The ocean has no lanes, Glenn!
Right, well, you know what I mean.
Just, nautically this way.
Ten and two, ten and two! You're doing great, here we go!
[dull thud, dolphin moaning] -Oh my God.
No, you don't think that was Kimberly?
I think that was Kimberly. No, no, no, no...
First fucking day of her retirement!
You've gotta be kidding me! This whole ocean?
Don't look back! We can't save everyone!
[Glenn] So sorry, Kimberly. Swim it off!
I will never unsee it.
Ooh! -[mechanical whirring]
Okay, this is gonna be amazing.
What in the Hentai Hell?
Ooh!
Do you like my black market babies?
You're a dealer for seafood buffets?
Those are the hottest things on FishTok.
What?
Octopus racing's about to explode in Dubai. Trust me.
[laughing] What in the "Squid Game" am I doing here?
I have two children and a mortgage.
So, how about it? You, me, an eight-legged Bonnie and Clyde.
Otto, my octopus smuggling days are over.
[Glenn] Milly? Milly!
-Glenn, they're in here. -What?
They're in here.
Hey! You get away from her,
you tentacle-smuggling son of a gun!
-That can't be legal. -Hey, whoa, man.
We can just talk this out, vice principal-man.
No need to snitch, I got priors.
Glenn, you went all Liam Neeson for me?
Well, yeah. Of course, baby.
I have a particular set of dad skills.
[Milly chuckles]
Hey, nobody move, or the MILF gets punctured.
-Yeah. -Is that a spork?
Are you trying to threaten me, or eat pudding? Okay...
[Summer] Eww!
[Otto] Gimme your passport, Kangaroo Jack!
Milly and I are taking your jet ski!
Drop the utensil, Otto, or your buddy becomes sashimi.
Honey...
Yeah, we'll do it, man. I swear, we're gonna do it!
Not Enrique Iglesi-pus!
I will calamari the shit out of it!
We will do it, man!
Hey. Please, leave him alone.
He's recovering from a hamstring injury.
We'll end Enrique, swear to God!
[Glenn] Just be cool, or we'll chop this thing up!
Drop the spork, or Enrique's dead. Don't do it, man!
This is the weirdest fucking vacation I've ever been on!
-Okay. -[utensil clatters]
Okay, Captain Otto...
Prepare for detention.
Oh, honey...
[hard thud] -[Glenn] Whoa!
-[Glenn] Oh! Whoa... -Ouch!
Whoa, come here. Come here. Hey.
-Hey, hey, hey... -Hi, honey.
I'm really glad you did that, but...
you should know I had the situation under control.
Sweetheart, your job is to look pretty and file our taxes.
You leave the pirates to mama.
-Are we a team? -I wanna be. Like, forever?
Yep, yep, lovely. Can we not French near Enrique?
Yeah.
Thank you for coming to get me.
Now please, get me off this boat.
This has been the weirdest day of my life!
-I was never gonna hurt you. -[Milly] Take me home.
-Okay, come on. Let's go. -Let's get out of here.
-Bye, Enrique. -Oh, my bag!
[Summer] Good luck with your recovery, Enrique.
[upbeat music playing]
[Glenn and Milly screaming]
[Glenn whooping] -[Milly] Whoa!
[Glenn] Yeah! -[Milly laughing] Honey!
That's how you pass a driver's test!
[Glenn whooping] -[Milly, laughing] Oh my God.
I am never leaving solid ground again.
That was the second-sexiest Sea-Doo rescue
of my entire life!
That was my first Sea-Doo rescue ever.
You guys are gross, but also delightful.
You guys should make it official.
What?
Listen, I would love for that to happen, I really would.
I promise, if I do it again
I won't do it in a public setting with everybody there...
No, honey, stop, stop, stop! You were right.
You know me better than anyone.
I love an audience, I live for karaoke! It's like a...
It's my own Superbowl, but I...
Glenn, I wanna be the quarterback this time. Okay?
-Will you... -[gasps]
Will you, Glenn Winters,
make me the happiest,
most-financially responsible woman in the State of Idaho?
Yes, yes! Of course I will! Yes!
We're gonna do this back at a Boise bingo hall.
They're gonna cater everything...
But we're already in the perfect place.
[sighs] Honestly, you guys gotta learn to loosen up.
[Milly chuckles]
-I love you. -Love you, too.
-Are we doing this? -Yes.
-Okay. -Let's do this! Come on!
[Milly] We're doing this. Let's go!
You know, I'm usually the voice of caution,
but this might be the best impulsive decision ever.
You're my best impulsive decision ever.
This is a close second, though.
It's like maple syrup for the soul.
[softly] Sort yourself out, Terry.
Mom...
-Oh yeah, rings. Come on. Okay. -Thank you.
Okay, friends, guests,
looky-loos, vice principals...
We are gathered here today
in the spirit of spontaneous recklessness
and a Sunrise Package upgrade
to join Millicent Martin and Glennifer...
-[Glenn] Glennifer. -...Winters in matrimony.
So, if anyone can see cause...
[Kimberly chittering]
[crowd] Aww!
Kimberly!
[crowd] Aww...
Even the dolphin ships us, honey.
[softly] Go easy, big girl. Enjoy retirement.
Bishop, can you speed this up?
I'd like to be married to this man.
-Of course. So, do you... -I do.
-And... -I do!
Well then, the rings.
-Okay. -Yeah, got it.
Okay.
And by the power vested in me by the El Dorado
and some obscure maritime loophole,
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss your vice principal.
[all cheering]
Wunderschoen! -[Milly yelps]
This is disgustingly wholesome. I love it!
Hey, you know what, everybody? Only one thing left to do!
Waterslides!
[whooping, cheering]
-First ride as a family. We in? -Here we go!
On three, Winters. One, two, three, Winters!
Way to go! -[all] Winters!
Don't slip.
[upbeat island music playing]
-Wrong lane! -Thank you.
[buzzer sounds] -[Glenn screams]
[Milly squeals happily] -[Glenn cheers]
Whoohoo! You did it. How was it?
So scary! Water... I've water in my butt!
Still hate vacations?
No, you know me. I'm all about spontaneity.
So, this wouldn't be planned at all?
[tender music]
Everybody say, "Brie!" -[laughter]
We did it! -[Glenn, whooping] Yeah!
[camera shutter clicks]
I like Christmas by the tree With tinsel hanging down
There's no doubt that Christmas time's for me...
Grayson, I carried this tree five blocks. Five long blocks.
I get a say where this reindeer goes.
You know, if Mom catches you rearranging Rudolph...
Hey, man, please don't narc on me. I live here now.
It would be really uncool.
Okay, this is Crosby's first visit.
Everything has to be perfect. Do we even own coasters?
I highly doubt Crosby's relationship goals
involve coasters.
Sweetie, it's Summer's first boyfriend visiting.
It must be perfect. I want our snacks to say, "Welcome."
Not, "We buy our cheese at the gas station." You know?
Come on. The Martin girls are beautiful, funny,
and effortlessly dope! This guy would be lucky
to even breathe the same air as the two of you!
He is right, but when did you get so smooth?
I've always been smooth,
you were just distracted by my sensible footwear.
Honey, not near the cheese! -[doorbell chimes]
Okay, here we go.
-Crosby's here! Crosby's here. -Yeah, yeah...
-He's here. Be cool. -Relax. Yeah, Glenn...
Hey, sis.
Fa-la-la-la, la-la-la-look!
[Sadie squeals happily]
Mom, Dad... [chuckles]
-[Milly] Otto... -[Glenn] Sweet Baby Jesus.
[Otto] When Sadie pops, we'll have two MILFs in the family!
Who's up for another destination wedding?
And I thought the octopus smuggling was our rock bottom.
My job is at stake. You cannot keep taking my specimens.
Yeah! [barks like a seal]
-That's a seal. -Right.
[chitters like a dolphin]
Security? I got him.
-Hey, Grace, just you and me... -No, I can't. Oh, okay.
-Send some backup, guys. -Just give him a minute.
Let him finish.
Contract. Just hold it in, please!
Oh! [retching]
Do you have a charcuterie board with some cheeses?
Yes!
-I'm king of the world! Sorry! -Sit the [bleep] down!
Honey, breathe.
-You're gonna be a grandma. -What?
It smells like death!
What has... Has something died inside you?
What is wrong with you? Are you okay?
You need to see a doctor.
I love dolphin movies.
Anything with dolphins in it, I'll watch.
Mm! Tubi has, like, a million of them.
Dolphin Tale, Dolphin Summer,
Bernie the Dolphin. Kinda random, but it's okay.
[Otto whimpering]
[revolts] Compress! Compress!
Come on! Give.
[gagging]
[Grace] I know you take them! I know it's you!
The smuggler is back. Send backup.
Help! Help! Security! Come here!
Quickly, quickly, we need backup. The smuggler is back!
I can't believe he's back. Get over here!
-Get over here! -I'm on lunch!