Sumukhi Suresh: Hoemonal (2026) Movie Script

[upbeat pop song playing]
[audience cheering]
What the fk?
How am I supposed to do any job with this?
If only
this could work in real life.
[audience cheers]
Just give me one minute.
I want to be dainty
for like five seconds.
[audience laughs]
You guys are like wondering,
"Where your father's lungi is?"
Right here.
[in Tamil] Where's father's lungi? Here!
[in English] Let's go!
My name is Sumukhi Suresh,
and this is Hoemonal.
Thank you so much for coming.
[loud cheers]
Look at these girls. Look at these
sweeties holding on to their bags.
Just see. All these girls.
Look-- One giant bag she has!
She's holding on to it.
There's a seat empty next to her!
[laughter]
She could have kept that bag there,
but she's like, "No, no, no!
"It's my emotional support animal."
Classic women holding on to their bags.
I'm shaming her,
the bag is still there!
It's because-- I'll tell you why.
You think it's because
that bag is valuable? No.
It's because she wants to hide
this part of her body!
[laughter, whooping]
She doesn't want
the public to know she can eat!
[in Hindi] She's like,
"If they find out, it's all over!"
[in English] "They think
I'm eating carbs! Never!"
Just keep that bag there, babe.
And clap properly.
One bag is there, one phone is there
then, she will carry her baby also.
In the old days
women used to carry
a baby and a matka both.
We're carrying bags and this
everything we are holding together.
So today, whoever has bags on you,
it has to be thrown.
Just give it to the boys
Just give it to them
Oh, they love holding bags.
I recently found out.
I didn't know you could just give things
to boys, and they hold.
I didn't know.
None of you gave me the secret!
We're like, "Hold this."
They're like, "Oh, sure."
And strange boys as well.
You don't have to give it to known boys.
You walk around and go,
"Can you hold this?"
They're like, "Yeah, okay, babe."
In fact, that's how
you should commit to men.
"Hold this. Now you're mine. Come."
At some point in my life, I was 20, okay?
I looked at one guy,
and I said, "This one I want."
It's simple.
See, my mom raised me like that.
My mom raised me to be a ring chaser.
I'm a ring chaser.
Okay? I see. I was like, "Wow!"
[in Hindi] "He looks good. He bathes.
"He pays the bills.
"My ring finger is ready for him."
[in English] Okay?
And I dated him for ten years, guys.
Yeah.
I'm a government bond.
I give great returns.
Yeah. I dated him for ten years.
And then he
I had to leave him.
I had to dump him
because he cheated on me three times.
Officially.
Unofficial body count? I don't know.
I don't want to know either. I'm scared.
Also, because boys also--
You guys are good at so many things.
I truly believe this. I'm not being mean.
I believe you guys
are good at so many things,
but so bad at hiding cheating.
You think you can hide it
is only stupid of you.
You should know that the moment
your this has moved
a little bit somewhere,
our entire body knows.
Entire-- We're like, "Who is she?
What's her sun sign?"
The worst acting boys do with cheating.
And it's so easy
to hack into their phones.
Their phone passwords are the worst.
Otherwise, they know like
"You know how this steam engine works?"
"You know how this construction works?"
What's their phone password?
And when they get caught,
they change it to 1234.
If they get caught again, it's 4321.
Because they're only
scared they'll forget.
They're like,
"I'll get locked out of my phone.
"Then side chick message,
what will I'll do?"
And I figured it out.
I figured it out easily,
and I had to dump him after ten years.
I had to break up with him.
It was the most difficult thing
I have ever done.
Because I had to stand up for myself.
It's not easy, okay?
All this-- Everyone keeps saying,
"Stand up for yourself.
"That's a real woman."
I'm like, "Wait. One minute."
I have to take deep breaths.
I had to confront him
saying, "I don't want you."
After ten years, it's tough, na?
I told him.
I said, "Sorry, it's over. Bye."
And he had the guts to say,
"Why? What happened"?
Just see his arrogance.
At 20, I met him. At 30, I left him.
All right? So now, at 30,
I've broken up with him.
I really thought my friends would be
happy because they hated him.
Which, of course,
they only told me after I left him.
Because your female friends never tell you
while you're with him.
With them they are like "No, nice only.
He really takes care of you."
"Nice only he is."
After you leave him,
they're like, "He was the worst!"
"He was a total snake!"
These two are hard-relating
with each other.
"I told you, babe.
I told you he was a snake.
"Now she is saying means
you are laughing?"
The issue is,
when you break up in your 20s--
When you break up with someone,
the usual response you get
from your female friends is,
"Don't worry. You're a goddess."
"You deserve better."
"There are so many other fishes
in the ocean."
Fishes?
-Fish.
-Fish.
"There are so many other crabs
in the ocean.
"They're waiting for you."
That's what I thought
the reaction would be.
Moment you turn 30 and break up,
and you go tell your same female friends,
they'll be like, "Oh, no!"
"What about ROI?"
"You invested ten years."
"Are you sure?"
"Anyway, he cheated three times.
Just adjust."
I'm like, "Why?
Why are you telling me to do this?"
They are like,
"You have to understand, Sumukhi.
"After 30, you breakup means
you're dying alone, babe.
"It's very difficult to find anyone."
Anyone trying to date after 30,
give me a cheer.
[audience cheers]
See? This is what she did.
"Ooh!"
She gave up so hard.
Because after 30, they're like, "No, babe,
"your return on the investment
you have to get."
So, they were very doomsday.
They said, "Start dating ASAP.
"Or else, you're gonna die alone,
and dying alone is uncool."
I'm like, "Why is it uncool?"
They're like,
"We don't know. We are not dying alone."
A problem, right? Single people are
only friends with committed people
and married people.
Because if we were friends with other
single people, we wouldn't be single!
Exactly. Yeah. So--
Since we're meeting them, they're like,
"Please don't die alone. It's uncool."
The thing is,
I've worked all my life to be cool.
I'm like, "I don't want to be uncool."
Okay? You guys may have high standards.
I'm very like, "Don't be uncool, babe."
Don't want to be uncool. Started dating.
All right? And, what is dating
first I have to address, right?
I don't know how to date.
I've never dated.
With the first guy,
it wasn't dating.
It was just capturing. I don't know.
[laughter]
So [laughs]
So my friends said,
"If you have to start dating,
"you have to get on an app first."
I said, "Oh, because I have to declare
that I failed?"
They said, "It's not
an authentication app. It's a dating app."
If you have to get on a dating app,
The first dating App
you have to get on is Tinder.
Or you're not allowed on the other apps.
It's like a rite of passage.
And Tinder is best for self-confidence.
If your self-confidence is low,
just go to Tinder.
All right? Yeah, I got on Tinder.
I just put "Sumukhi F."
I didn't even put a picture.
I just put "Sumukhi F."
I already got a message saying, "Want sex"
The thing is,
I thought it was Tinder's logline.
Like how Nike's is "Just do it."
So I thought Tinder's is "Want sex"
It makes sense, right?
You want sex? You get on Tinder.
I thought, "How nice!
They're promoting themselves nicely.
"Good for them."
Then the same message
came again. "Want sex"
I was like, "Oh, not a logline.
It's a message."
But I didn't know what he was telling.
Like, I didn't know if he was
asking me or telling me.
Because there was no punctuation mark.
I was like, "Is this a PSA?"
Like, "You want sex! You want sex!
Everybody wants sex!"
Third time, he was very clear.
It was caps lock.
"WANT SEX?????!!!!!"
Five question marks,
five exclamation marks.
I was like, "That's a message."
I got stressed.
I was like, "I don't want."
He was also very sweet.
He said, "It's okay, sister. Next time."
My friends asked, "Why get on Tinder?
That's not where you get
a valuable relationship.
"You get on Bumble."
I was like, "Oh, okay,
there's one more app for this. Wow!"
I thought only one place everyone
congregating to be a loser.
I was like, "Oh, there are
different apps. No problem."
Then they said, "Get on Bumble.
"Bumble has more autonomy.
You can make the first move."
Girls make the first move, and boys wait.
Boys, right? Yeah?
-Yeah.
-Yeah? Yeah, see that?
"Yeah."
He's like,
"Yeah, I've been waiting five years.
"Nobody has matched with me."
It's because boys match very quickly.
Boys are like,
"I like, I like, I like, don't like."
Then they are like,
"Oh, I'm lonely. Why not?"
This is how boys are matching.
When girls see one nice profile
or even a mid-profile,
a screenshot goes to
favorite WhatsApp group, saying
Screenshot goes to the favorite girl gang.
They be like, "You think he's nice?"
"You think he's good for me?"
"Does he have kind eyes?
What do you think?"
What is "kind eyes"?
What is kind eyes? Someone's kind eyes
are someone's creepy eyes.
I don't understand.
By the time we congregate and say,
"Yeah, yeah, go ahead. Match with him,"
he has left.
He's over it.
He's like, "No, bye, I'm going."
Okay, so this time,
I had to make the first move.
Now-- How many men in the audience?
Give me a cheer.
[men whooping]
Oh, wow. Okay.
There are more, I know.
But others are like,
"No, first you tell.
"Then we'll answer.
"We don't want trap."
No. This is for a good reason.
All the men in the audience,
for the next 30 seconds,
I really want to apologize to you guys.
Just relax.
One girl is like, "Huh?"
[in Tamil] "Sis, are you on our side?
or their side?
"Pick a side."
[in English] For the next 30 seconds,
I want to apologize to the men.
For centuries, you guys have been
expected to make the first move.
Everyone's like the guy
makes the first move,
and the girls just respond.
All of that, correct?
And you guys have all worked very hard.
You've all come up with pickup lines.
Together, you've come up
with some of the best
and definitely some of
the worst pickup lines.
And sometimes, all of you have come up
with only one pickup line!
The favorite Indian man's pickup line is,
"Are you an angel?"
"Because you've fallen from heaven, babe."
And we've also, all judged.
"Yuck, I'd never fk him."
Then we all turned 30 and went,
"Where is he?"
Now I have to make the first move.
I know you guys are like,
"Sumukhi, you say hi."
No. That's not how it works.
Can't just say "hi."
What if he thinks I'm a
Bumble call center?
What if he responds, "Natasha is not
responding. Can you check with her?"
And I have issues. I'll be like,
"Okay, I'll check with Natasha."
I'll also be like,
"Natasha, what are you doing?"
"Does he have kind eyes?" No, he just
I was like,
"No, I want to do this very clearly.
"Whoever I match with
I'll come up with a pickup line."
Okay? Very clearly.
I matched with three boys.
I came up with three pickup lines.
-You want to hear?
-Yes.
Guys, after this, it's over.
Whatever little respect
you had it's over.
I'm not climbing up.
After that stay there only. Cool?
Yeah, cool?
Three. Three. Three.
First guy I matched with. All right.
[chuckles]
I asked, "Hey, are you chamomile?
"Because you're hot-tea."
You should see this guy's face.
He was like, "Whoa!"
He's like, "Sis, we'll fk anything.
"This was very bad."
The second one, I think, was better.
I am like, "Hey, are you COVID?
I'm vaccine."
He was like, "Which one?"
I was like, "Booster."
Then he sent a photo of his booster,
and I was like, "No, no, no"
Too soon!! Sin! Sin!
The third time, I forgot my English.
I was like, "Are you a merry-go-round?
"I want to go round
round round round round round"
What does that even mean?
He deleted the app and 'broken' his phone.
He's a monk now.
But the good thing about men
I'll tell you, guys.
The good thing about them is,
if you don't know something,
they love to teach you.
Yeah. And if you know something,
they 100% want to teach you.
They love teaching!
Mine loved cheating and teaching. Both!
Okay. So the first one,
that chamomile hot-tea,
he said, "You don't know how
to do it. Let me teach you."
They love that.
Actually, a boy's first profession
is teaching. They love to teach you.
You have--
I'll tell you, guys.
On Monday, go to office. Okay?
Look at some guy and say,
"Babe, I don't know how to breathe."
While you're breathing.
[deep breath]
He'll be like, "It's so easy."
He'll teach you how to breathe
for the next five hours.
[breathing rapidly]
He will teach you for a whole week how--
One baba has made an empire out of it!
[cheering and applauding]
Yeah.
Don't worry. Boys are like,
"Babe, you're attacking us too much."
Don't worry, I'm coming to the girls.
We are also cumulatively assholes.
We're also like, "Oh, yeah,
"I don't know, I don't know"
"Actually, can you teach me?"
No. We know everything.
You know that bottle we give you to open?
We are like, "I don't know how to open it.
Can you open it for me?"
Two minutes back, we'd kept it
between our thighs and opened it!
But when we come to you,
we're like, "I don't know anything only."
"I'm so stupid."
And you're like,
"God, my babe is so stupid. [chuckles]
"She's just stupid for me."
"Here, babe. It's open." "It's open!"
So he said, "Come, I'll teach you."
I'm like
But he doesn't know I really don't know.
I'm like, "Actually, teach me."
I'll get some training.
But what this means,
that you guys have not registered,
is that this is my first date.
Yeah.
Because the first guy I was dating,
he was dating everyone.
But this was my first date.
And I was so excited.
I picked one of those outfits
where the hemline is like this
It's here, here, and here.
So he's like, "Where, where, where?"
He picked one of those fancy
French restaurants, like
Le Pain quohahaha.
I feel like he copy-pasted it.
He asked, "Want to go to
Le Pain quohahaha?"
I'm like, "Yeah, I want to go to
Le Pain quohahaha."
Thank God, it was not a voice note,
because I don't know how to pronounce it.
I would've pronounced it
"Le-Pain-Coriander"
or something, I don't know.
Eight o'clock was my date.
I went ten minutes early and sat there.
Okay, I also had my script also.
"Hi, how are you?"
"I'm fine. Weather's very sticky."
"Hi, how are you? I'm fine.
Weather's very sticky."
I was very clear.
Then I had five-ten minutes,
so I put one video-call.
Called my friend saying
I'll show them the look.
I put the camera on, showed them the look.
They were like, "Why are you
already at the date?"
I said, "It's an eight o'clock date,
so I was here at 7:50."
They were like, "Are you stupid?
"Why are you early for the date?"
See, all these girls are like, "Yeah."
The thing about having a female
best friend or a female friend
is that they never tell you something
before.
They tell you after you
have made the mistake.
Because they believe,
"Babe, you need to go through the journey
"to understand the mistake."
I am like, "Why couldn't you have
told me this before when I was leaving?"
"Babe, then you wouldn't have understood
why to be late for the date."
I'm like, "Why do I have to be late
for the date?"
They said, "Because if you're late,
you make him wait.
"And when you make him wait,
"you have all the power
in the relationship."
I'm like, "What relationship?"
"There is no relationship!"
They're like, "You don't get it.
It's too soon. Go hide."
I'm like, "What?"
"Go hide somewhere."
And I will not hide, guys.
My luck is the worst, okay?
If I hide, I'll fall right
in front of him when he enters.
He'll walk in, I'll be like
He'll be like, "What happened?"
I'd be like, "I'm so stupid."
The whole logic behind making boys wait
and you entering late
is that they wait for you, and then
you get to make a grand entry.
Like you walk--
She's like, "Yeah, that's right.
"That's what the notes also say.
Yeah, that's right."
So you have to make a grand entry.
You enter, and you go, "Where is he?"
"Where is he?"
"Where is he?"
The restaurant is empty!
Nobody is at the restaurant.
And then I'm getting stressed.
I'm like, "Oh! Where is he?"
I remove my phone,
I start calling someone.
By then, he notices me.
He's like, "Who's she calling?"
"How ugly am I that
she can't even see me?"
What's-- He's getting stressed now.
So, when I touch my phone and I take call,
he's like, "Shit, she's not calling me.
Who is she calling?"
He's stressed. He's like, "Sumukhi."
I'm like, "Huh?"
"Hi, I'm so sorry,
I didn't see you there."
And by doing this, I have all the power,
and he has no power.
I'm like
"Shut up."
"You should've told me before.
"First time in my life I'm early.
Please shut up."
I cut the call. I went back to my script.
"Hi. How are you? I'm fine.
The weather's very sticky."
Quietly waiting for my date to enter.
See, this is the problem with restaurants.
Fancy restaurants.
The fancier the restaurant,
the cockier the waiter.
The waiters there have
PhDs in English literature.
[in Hindi] They've crawled
out of Shakespeare's ass.
[in English] He was like, "Welcome, ma'am.
Welcome to La Pain Quohahaha."
I said, "Hi, how are you?"
"How are you doing, ma'am?"
"I'm good." "You had a good day, I hope."
"Yeah, I had a good day."
"What did you do today?"
[in Hindi] I'm like,
"Are you taking my interview?"
[in English] "Ma'am,
would you like bottled water,
"chilled, bottled, sparkling, or chilled?"
"Water."
He said, "What kind?"
I said, "Bottled water's fine."
"Chilled water?"
I said, "Chilled is fine."
He brings the chilled water
and goes, "Ma'am, is this chilled?"
"Is this chilled? Is this chilled?"
[in Hindi] I said,
"Just pour some and leave, man!"
"While you're waiting for your guest,
can I get you an amuse-bouche?"
"Amuse-bouche?" I said
"Yeah, sure. Get me an amuse-bouche."
He said, "Ma'am, I hope you know
what an amuse-bouche is."
I said, "You know
what an amuse-bouche is?"
He said, "Of course."
I said, "Then go get it."
[cheering and applauding]
Then I checked what an amuse-bouche is.
How many of you know what
an amuse-bouche is? Give me a cheer.
[audience cheers]
Wow.
ICSE board.
[chuckles] How many of you don't know
what an amuse-bouche is?
-Give me a cheer.
-[loud cheers]
For you only I'm doing this taping!
Don't worry.
An amuse-bouche is a food item
that comes before the starter,
so that you salivate for the starter.
Which is so stupid!
Basically, it's something that will
make you salivate for your next food item.
I don't need amuse-bouche.
My brain is my amuse-bouche.
I have PCOD.
My hormones are my amuse-bouche.
Then he brought the amuse-bouche.
It was this small, guys.
It's like
Like a cutie. It's like that.
And mine is a ragi chip, okay?
One ragi chip.
Not even ragi chips.
It was one ragi chip like this.
And the salsa is here.
Why did ragi chip enter fine dining?
Who allowed it?
Somewhere here only.
Bandra only allowed it, I'm sure.
How have you allowed ragi chip in--
If a chip doesn't go
Crunch! Crunch! Crunch!
it's not a chip.
Because a ragi chip never goes
Crunch! Crunch! Crunch!
It goes
[audience laughing, applauding]
[whooping]
And if you eat a ragi chip,
your entire mouth is ragi chip now!
Because it's stuck on every surface.
You don't look like you have teeth.
You're talking like a paan seller.
After eating, you're like,
[in Hindi] "Yeah, how are you?
Are you on a date?
Come here. Come, sit here.
"Looking really good."
[in English] This is how you have to talk
throughout the date now!
It's there, and it's free,
so I'm gonna eat it. So ate it.
My luck, when I ate it,
currently that guy entered right then.
I quickly go like
But thank God, when he entered, he went,
"Where is she?
"Where is she? Where is she?"
The restaurant is empty!
I'm the only one sitting there, gargling.
I spotted him this time.
He went to touch his phone.
I was like, "No way."
I won't let him touch it.
Before he could touch his phone,
I panicked and said,
"Bumble!"
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
I forgot his name.
[chuckling] I got so stressed
that I forgot his name.
We also save names like Samarth Bumble.
Vinay Tinder.
Alok Hinge. I don't know.
And I feel like this has
happened to him before.
He just said, "What happened?"
He walked towards me.
And he was 6'2" as advertised, okay?
Which is okay. It's not a problem.
It's okay if they're not 6'2".
I'm 5 feet fk all. To me,
everything is 6 feet plus.
It's totally fine.
It's just that the fact that he said
he's 6'2", his POV would be this.
Right? So-- Yeah! We put on
our makeup accordingly.
Right? We have to make sure
our "cla-vage" is seen.
See, cleavage is
"Cla-vage" is when it's like
"Cla-vage" is when you're
walking, you're like
And you're like
"You have?"
"Where is it?"
"Show me a little bit."
In your brain, you're like,
"Hers is better than mine. 100%."
So you have to-- That "cla-vage"
has to look good from that POV.
Have to apply some body oil and all.
Boys don't understand.
They're like,
"Wow, she's glowing automatically."
They think it's some light
we've put inside.
Boys just think
there's cooking oil
and there's coconut oil.
They don't know what all we
[mumbling]
Well, I'm glad because I worked
correctly on the makeup, et cetera.
He walked towards me. He said, "Hi."
"Hi." He asked, "How are you?"
"I'm fine."
He's like, "Weather's sticky."
I said, "Oh, same script."
[laughter]
And my favorite thing
about boys is their first date energy.
They're so nervous.
They're so tentative.
They're so scared.
And after that, they're never like that.
They're cocky.
But at that time, they're so scared.
Hands in their pockets, and they think,
"Shit, I hope she's impressed by me."
I was like, "Yeah, yeah."
"All good." "All good."
I said, "You wanna sit?"
"Yeah, the traffic was too much."
I said, "Yeah." He said, "You know,
there was construction work going on."
"They use a JZB. You know JZB?"
For five minutes,
he was talking about JZB.
Whatever. I don't even think it's JZB.
I'm literally calling it "jay-zee-bee"
at this point.
For five to ten minutes,
this chit-chat was happening.
I was impressed.
I said, "Okay, we're gonna sit now."
But before we could even
properly start the date,
he asked, "Sumukhi,
is it okay if we take a picture?"
Right?
-You all got weirded out, no?
-[audience] Yeah.
-You all had a problem with it.
-[audience] Yeah.
[laughter]
Because you all have
self-worth.
Hemoglobin is low.
Self-worth is also low.
I thought, "Okay, maybe this is dating."
I wouldn't know. I've never dated before.
Maybe this is the dating syllabus now.
You take a photo.
Maybe he has to put it
in Bumble saying, "We met."
And Bumble goes,
"Very good. Happy dating."
Or I don't know, maybe he
has to send it to his mom
'cause he met the one. You never know.
Yeah, I'm very optimistic like that.
I really help men with their excuses.
I've been cheated
on for ten years. Anyway
So, I really helped him out that way.
I said, "No problem.
We can take a picture."
He removed his phone and held it
like this. Horizontal motherfr.
Couldn't even do vertical!
He held it like that.
Now he's 6'2", and I'm 5 feet fk all!
In the photo, I look like this.
[laughter]
I look like I'm photobombing his date.
I look like a logo in his video.
He held his phone up like this.
He took a photo, looked at me, said,
"Bye," and left.
[audience exclaims]
I was very sad.
After ten minutes, I was like,
"He's not coming back."
I'm just here.
I just sat there like an idiot.
I was damn sad.
Really. All I wanted at that point
was a nice, sweet hug
from someone saying, "Don't worry."
It was my first date experience.
How can it be this bad?
I just wanted a sweet hug from someone
saying, "Don't worry. It'll be fine."
What did I get?
That snooty waiter came back
saying, "Ma'am, you want
another amuse-bouche?"
I said, "No!"
"The amuse-bouche I ordered
did not amuse me.
"My bouche was not amused!"
[laughter]
I got so upset.
Okay? So, I went--
Those who told me to date?
All my friends who told me to date?
I went and attacked them.
All these married bs! I went to her.
I said, "You told me to do this.
This is what happened to me.
Now, you set me up.
"It is your job to set me up."
The problem is, when you tell a friend,
"Please set me up,"
at that point, they don't know anybody.
They don't have any friends.
They're like, "I don't have any friends.
"My husband is my friend."
"Deepak, where are you? Come here.
"Come here, Deepak.
"Oh, my God Deepak!"
"Deepak is my best friend.
"He's my best friend. You're"
I was like, "Before I fk Deepak
"please go find me someone!"
The thing is, when you tell your friends,
when you attack them for this,
that's when they finally tell you
what is wrong with you.
She's like, "The problem is you, Sumukhi."
I said, "Suddenly I'm the problem?
I was a goddess, now I'm the problem."
She said, "You've got side-chick energy."
"What do you mean?"
She's like, "Yeah. Sorry, but you have
"side-chick energy.
You don't have main character energy
"where you approach men yourself."
"With your loud, nice voice and all,
"approach men, be the main chick,
"figure it out, just own it!"
I said, "It's not that easy."
She's like, "Why is it not easy?
"You see all these men smoking in groups.
"They're sad, smoking like that.
"Look around. Find a guy you like
and bum a cigarette from him."
I'm like, "What?" [chuckles]
"Bum a cigarette from him."
"I don't smoke. Don't know
what 'bum a cigarette' means.
"I don't bum anything."
And she said, "Okay. Fine.
You don't smoke cigarettes, fine.
"Why not get a drink with someone?
"You know, drinking makes it easier.
"It's casual, it's equal, it's amazing."
I don't drink.
They said, "Even better, just smoke
a joint with the guy."
I don't smoke. I don't drink.
What makes her think
I'd know what a joint is?
The only joint I know is a joint family.
And that, we Indians have been
smoking up for too long.
So, here's the thing, guys. I don't smoke.
I don't drink. I don't do drugs.
Because when I was 13, my mother told me,
"Sumukhi, if you smoke,
drink, or do drugs,
"you're a prostitute."
Zero to 100.
My mother has no middle ground.
I was 13. I didn't know
what prostitute meant.
I was like, "It sounds like a big word.
I don't wanna do it."
"Differentiation" was also a big word.
So differentiation and prostitute,
both I didn't want to do.
But as I grew older,
I understood what "prostitute" meant.
I was like, "I don't have
the stamina for that."
"I don't have the back support for it.
I don't have the talent for it."
Here, sex for five minutes,
and I'm like time please.
[panting]
"Yeah, yeah, yeah.
"You watch reels for sometime.
I'll also watch reels for sometime."
[singing in Hindi]
Your beauty is unbelievable!
[in English] Is my mother crazy?
She thinks I should be paid for sex.
She's nuts. Guys, I'm telling you.
I'm very--
I need a lot of studying
and research when I have to have sex.
Once, this boy sweetly texted me,
"Tonight we'll ride or what?"
I'm like, "Yeah, sure."
I thought cycle.
[laughter]
I showed my friend, like,
"We're going bicycling.
"Do you know anyone who rent bikes?"
She's like, "Are you nuts, idiot?
"He wants you to ride him!"
I'm like, "Him means?"
I looked up "riding,"
and the first result was cycling.
I was like, "No, riding in sex."
I saw the results went, "Oh, my!"
It's a logistical nightmare.
I'd just like to tell all the boys,
it's stressful, okay?
See. When you say, "Babe, ride me,"
our first reaction is to sit like this.
And that's not sexy. That's Indian toilet.
You can't do that.
You can't.
Correct? Yeah.
Then you try what you saw online,
shutting your thighs,
leaving no room for anything.
[in Tamil] I'm like,
"Hey, you drive from the back.
"From the back.
How do you drive from here?"
[in English] And no combination
looks nice.
If I sit like this,
one leg on his chest here, he dead.
[laughter]
When I try to do this,
it's too weird.
It's too intimate already. I'm like,
[in Hindi] "You look over there."
[in English] I can't even
turn around and do it,
then he knows I have back boobs.
That's too soon.
The only way I can successfully ride a man
is if two of my female best friends
are in the room.
One can hold one elbow.
The other can hold the other elbow.
Like you're pumping air into a tire.
Like that, like that, like that.
[laughter and applause]
[cheering and whooping]
And I can take instructions, too.
If he says, "Babe, up and down."
"Aditi, up and down."
Up and down. Up and down.
"Front and back."
"Anjali, front and back, front and back."
He's like, "Babe, can you circle?"
How to circle?
They're like
So, this kind of education.
See, my mother's like, "Prostitute."
I'm like, "At this point,
I have to pay boys."
"For their therapy."
Smoking, alcohol, drugs,
that's all very tough to do.
It's not easy.
You guys are like, "Wow. Try it once."
No.
See, when you're young,
you can do these things,
you can try these things,
you can have fun.
In fact, I'd suggest start young
and finish young.
Because when you're young,
you're trying for the first time.
You're stupid. Everybody is stupid.
So it's fine.
Because if you're
smoking for the first time,
when you're 18, 19, and you're like
[coughs softly]
"My throat is burning."
Everyone's like, "What happened?
Is this your first puff?"
"Yeah, my first puff."
"First puff." "First puff."
And boys hear this voice, like,
"First puff."
"Hey, princess, what happened?"
"You want me to save you?"
"Yeah, it's my first puff.
Can you help me?"
It's all very sweet.
The same thing after 30. Try.
I've done it.
For the first time.
I smoked for the first time. I was like
[coughs softly, clicks tongue]
"My throat is burning." [coughs]
Nobody thought it was cute.
Everyone was like,
"Oh, God, do you have TB?"
"Babe, say fast, you have TB or what?"
I said, "Actually, it's my first puff."
"It's your first puff. First,
you talk properly." "Sorry."
Same with alcohol.
It's so fun when you're drinking.
Young people drinking is full fun.
My God, you have so much energy.
It's a full plan.
You start drinking
when you're getting ready.
You're like, "Put on the music.
It's Britney, bh."
[vocalizing]
Then I'm like, "Get ready!
"We're gonna take shots,
shots, shots."
Everyone's taking shots, makeup--
[singing] Wake up
in the morning, feeling like
And I have so much fun.
I have to chaperone these young girls
who go out drinking and all.
So I chaperone them.
My favorite time pass is them.
See their confidence.
They look full with confidence
They're like, "I want one tequila shot."
"I want two kamikazes,
I want three Jagers" [slurring]
[more slurring]
"Can you take Do you take card?"
"GPay?"
"Sneha, you have GPay? GPay?"
And they're placing this order
to the Uber driver.
He asked for OTP,
this is what they're doing.
I'm like, "Babe, the bar is right there.
You can't place the order--"
"Don't tell me what to do.
"I'm my own queen."
[laughter]
[cheering and applauding]
Really want to have fun?
Meet a young person, okay?
In the middle of their element.
When they're in the middle of the club,
finding space to dance.
Only they have the energy
to find the space to dance.
They're like,
"Shots, shots, shots, shots."
If you want to have fun when
they're doing, "Shots, shots, shots"
catch them. I caught them like that.
I went and said,
"I want to tell you.
"I had to dump my boyfriend
'cause he cheated on me three times."
"Shots, shots, shots"
Stops.
"What?"
"He cheated?"
I said, "Yeah, he cheated on me."
[slurring] "Cheated"
I'm standing here, by the way.
So I'm like, "Babe, me, me.
"He cheated on me."
"Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots."
But they're not unkind, okay?
They meet you after one hour
when you're stepping out,
when everyone's like,
"Go, go. Police has come. Go, go."
When they're stepping out,
like that, like that,
they catch you and say, "Sumukhi"
"Sumukhi" [slurring]
"How could he cheat on you"
"You're so nice, you're so amazing,
"such a lovely person--
I love you, I swear. I can't believe--"
"You know what? I'll fk you."
"I'll fk you."
"And you know, it'll be my honor."
It's like [slurring]
"Fk you. I'll fk you nicely.
Like this."
I said, "I don't think you can."
"Don't tell me what to do.
"I'm my own queen."
Same thing after 30. Try.
Try. Why don't you try shots?
Only shots you're having is
Vitamin D shots.
Okay? You are not dancing
when you're getting ready.
Because if you put "It's Britney, bh"
[vocalizing]
the first back pain has started.
And the thing about first back pain
is that you think it's not there.
You're like, "No, I imagined it."
So your entire party,
you just look for that only.
Like, "Where is my back pain?
"Where is it?"
And you want to see--
Oh, you want to see a 30+ person
drunk
[sighs]
[audience laughing, whooping]
You go tell this person
your deepest, darkest sadness.
I went and told her, "You know, I"
"My ex cheated on me three times,
so I had to dump him."
And her response was
"You need fillers."
[laughter]
I said, "Sorry?"
"Darling. You need fillers.
"Your face is very
"It needs to be"
I'm like, "Is that why he cheated on me?"
"No, no, no, he's an idiot.
"He didn't deserve you.
"You're a goddess
"who needs fillers."
[laughter]
"You'll get fillers?
"I'll put an appointment for you."
I said, "Don't tell me what to do.
"I'm my own queen."
And drugs? How to do drugs, guys?
How to do drugs?
You guys know how to do drugs?
Of course you know.
All of you're PhDs in drugs.
When a young impressionable-- Okay
a middle-aged, impressionable girl
wants to do drugs for the first time.
I did. I tried.
I told them I wanted to do drugs.
They said, "Come, we'll do drugs."
"You want to smoke marijuana?"
I said that. They never would say it.
I said, "I wanna smoke marijuana."
They said, "Hilarious. Come."
They gave me one joint. I smoked it.
It's so tasty.
It's so tasty.
It's so tasty
because I was smoking fenugreek leaves.
And they're like,
"Sorry, we're just fking around.
"We were having fun. Don't worry.
"You know what?
You have the potential to do cocaine."
I said, "What?"
So you tell one underconfident girl
like me, who has never done,
and you have told like,
the max drug thing do.
I said, "Wow. Am I natural? I love it."
They said, "You know how to do it, right?"
I said, "I know how to.
"I've seen the movie Fashion.
"I've seen Meghna doing cocaine."
[singing in Hindi]
[in English] But on the day
when it happened, when I had to,
I didn't, of course. I chickened out.
I don't have the kind of guts, okay?
I chickened out, but thankfully so.
Because they were planning
to make me snort
salt.
They had kept guavas too.
They said, "You can put and"
At this point, I've hit mid-30s, okay?
By now, smoking, alcohol, and drugs, fail.
Dating, fail. Okay?
Romance is also full fail.
Friends are like, "Babe
"dying alone or what now?"
I was like, 'Looks like it."
They're like, "Uncool.
"At least, please, the clock is ticking,
do something about it."
I asked, "Which clock?"
They're like, "All clocks."
They're like, "Do you want to? It's time,
'cause you're 35 now,
"you should freeze your eggs."
I said, "Oh shit, I should freeze my eggs.
I didn't know."
So I checked how to do it.
I checked where to freeze my eggs.
I asked, "What's the cost?"
They said, "1.5L."
I was like, "What?"
I said, "No need.
"I'll put mine in deep freezer."
[laughter]
It can be next to semolina.
Survival of the fittest.
If it survives, it can be a baby.
If not, bye-bye. Let's go.
I'm not spending so much.
They asked,
"Do you even want to be a mother?"
Oh that's the question.
Because how babies--
I haven't even dated.
I don't know if I'm ready for motherhood.
You can't really know, right?
How do you know
if you're ready for motherhood?
I'll give you a hack. You can.
You can figure it out.
How many of you here are not mothers?
Give me a cheer!
[cheering]
I'm taping this just for this. Okay.
If you don't know
if you want to be a mother or not,
just spend some time with your parents.
Our parents, at this age,
have become full babies.
Okay? So here's what I decided.
I'm going to go back home.
And it was COVID time.
I was stressed and missing my parents.
I'm going to go home
and take care of them and understand
if I was ready for motherhood or not.
So I got my first dose, got on the plane,
and wore a full PPE kit and all.
I got insulted on the plane.
Kids were like, "Wow, Teletubby!"
I reached my house, and I was--
I mean, I was very excited
because my mom would be so excited
to meet me. She constantly misses me.
But here's the thing. When you leave
your parents for sometime
and go, they don't miss you.
They're done with you.
They've started their own life.
I went, hugged her, and said, "Hi, Mumma,"
and she goes,
"Hi. When are you going back?"
She done. My parents are
living the bachelor life.
They're enjoying themselves.
Their wall is peeling.
Their sofa is broken into two!
A spring has come up in the middle,
and they put a Tanjore doll on it
that goes
I was like, "Okay, cool. No problem."
Now they're living like children,
like teenagers.
This is the best for me to find out
if I have it in me
to be a mother and control them.
But what I noticed the most,
which was very scary
is that both my parents
are hard of hearing.
My mother was always hard of hearing,
because my grandfather
hit all his kids like that.
So right was off.
My grandmother also hit one kid
on the left, just for fun.
So my mother was always hard of hearing.
My father is also now hard of hearing.
So they can't talk to each other.
They live by themselves.
We aren't with them.
I got stressed.
I said, "Let's have a chat."
I made them sit. I was like,
"Listen. Both of you're hard of hearing.
"So both of you need hearing aids."
She was like "Huh?"
I said, "Amma, you need a hearing aid."
[in Tamil] "What?"
[in English] "Amma,
you need a hearing aid."
She's like, "Why are you shouting?"
I said, "I thought you can't hear."
She said, "I heard you.
I heard you before, only.
"I heard your rubbish.
I don't need a hearing aid."
"When you are leaving? First, tell."
I said, "Okay. No problem."
The classic children problem is that
you must catch them in the act
and tell them why not to do it.
Like, when they want to touch
fire, and we say,
"Don't touch!" They go and touch it.
"See. This is what happens."
Same as a female friend.
They have to go through the journey.
And this presented itself
in like two hours, right?
In two hours. My mother's in the kitchen,
doing something. Not cooking, don't worry.
My father's upstairs doing laundry.
I don't know about your fathers,
my father is obsessed
with laundry right now.
He's obsessed. He's going through a phase.
That washing machine and him
are in a full-fledged relationship.
I don't know, it's also
boys and just devices.
I don't know why you guys like any gadget.
My father's obsessed
with that washing machine.
Washing machine
has automatic water coming in,
he's putting a pipe with it.
To see which one is faster.
I said, "Why do you need to do this?"
He's washing everything, guys.
At this point, he's sitting inside
and washing himself.
He's upstairs doing that.
My mother's downstairs.
My mother comes out of the kitchen.
[in Tamil] "Are you listening?"
[in Hindi] In Tamil, it means,
"Are you listening?"
[in Tamil] "Are you listening?"
"Suresh!"
[in Hindi] "Suresh, can you hear me?"
[in English] "Can you hear me?"
Okay, let it be.
Two minutes later, my father
"Sharadha!"
"Sharadha!"
"Sharadha, did you call me?"
"Sharadha, can you hear me?"
"Suresh!"
"Suresh, I called you. Did you call me?"
"I called you. Did you call me?"
Okay.
"Sharadha? Sharadha, you called me, dear?
"I called you after that.
"After that, did you call me?"
[in Tamil] "You called,
I called, did you call?"
"Sharadha!"
[in English] "Suresh, I called you,
"then you called me, then I called you.
"Did you call me?"
This went on for 15 minutes.
"Did you call me?" "Did you call me?"
"Did you call me?"
"Sharadha, did you call me?"
"Suresh, did you call me?"
I was sitting right there.
I'm like, "Oh, my God!
Yes, he called you, you called me,
"I called everybody."
"You guys can't listen to each other.
You can't hear each other.
"This is why I said
you both need a hearing aid."
What is my mother's response?
"Why are you shouting?"
I said, "Great, not ready for motherhood."
"Not ready for a human being."
I have come back to Mumbai.
I have returned to Mumbai with
renewed energy of "Don't want baby,
"don't want anything, will chill."
My friends said, "Okay, you wanted
a baby, but can you have a baby?
"You're in your mid-30s." I said, "Oh.
"New caveat."
Because anyway, during COVID,
all of us were looking inside.
I looked inside myself.
I was like, "It's a lot, actually.
It's a little trouble."
So I was like, "Okay, cool,
maybe I'm not able to date
"or I'm not able to navigate
my personal life
"because the problem is with me."
All right? And unfortunately,
I went into the
maybe I'm not good-looking enough.
He also cheated on me three times.
Like, maybe it's the weight
and everything.
And also, I don't get my period on time.
All right?
So my friends were like, "Listen,
why don't you figure this out,
"this inside journey?
"Go check if you can have babies
and all that."
I said, "No, no. First let me fix myself."
Because you want go to the doctor,
you want to fix yourself up a little bit.
You don't want them to find problems.
You want them to look and go
"Wow, what a body!"
"Best body ever!"
"This is the Nobel Prize of body."
So I'm like, "Let me fix it a little bit."
At least I'll say,
"I get my period every month.
"I do everything,
but I still can't lose weight.
"How come?" I wanted to do that.
So I started working on myself
in terms of weight. And that's the thing.
You tell me to do something,
I'm very good at it.
I'll do it with full dedication.
All right?
So I was like, "Okay, let's focus.
Nine months."
"For the next nine months, Sumukhi,
"you will work out, you will eat right,
you will not look at sugar."
And I did all of it.
I worked out really hard.
Okay? Yeah!
I was-- Yeah. My weight was high.
I was 120 kgs.
So I was like, "I'm gonna lose weight.
I'll focus on it."
120 kgs, nine months, okay?
I was the girl with
superiority complex of sugar.
When someone says "sugar,"
I'm like, "Sugar?"
"No self-respect, no sugar."
I did all that, all right?
For nine months, I worked really hard.
After nine-- I started at 120 kgs,
and nine months later, I was 127 kgs.
I was like, "What the hell!"
Friends said, "Maybe water weight."
I'm like, "Where is it?
"Is it melting from glaciers
and coming directly here?"
They said, "That's why we told you
"to go to the gynecologist,
figure out your menstrual cycle,
"and figure out your period first."
Now, here's the thing.
Indian girls are scared of two things.
One, lizard.
We're shit-scared of them.
You say "lizard,"
and we already feel it on our bodies.
See, one of them actually went
She thought, "Where is it? Where?"
Second thing we're scared of
is the gynecologist,.
Any gynecologists here, give me a cheer.
[laughter]
Worse, they're paid to taunt.
And I'm not ready to counter them.
So I was very stressed.
I've never met a gynecologist.
Because my period comes like--
My period comes now,
and then six months later,
and then some 12 months later.
I'm in a casual relationship
with my period.
My period is hot and cold with me.
So I was like, "Cool, fine.
"I'll tell myself
I have to go to the doctor."
Fine, I'll go to the doctor.
I went to the gynecologist.
And I was like, "I'm going to be
the best version of me."
I'm gonna be so extroverted,
"I'm gonna be so amazing
that she'll be floored."
She'll be like, "Wow, what a girl!
"I'll fix her uterus."
So I went in like,
"Hi, doctor! How are you?
"Oh, my God!
You guys are working during COVID!
"You guys are warriors.
How are you doing this?
"Oh my, God! How how do you--"
"Wh where
"where is the inspiration?"
"Wh where" See, that's the thing.
When you have verbal diarrhea,
and you're a people pleaser,
you go on and on.
And if the person is
not responding to you,
you go further on.
We don't get cues. We're like,
"Where are you getting the inspiration,
"to do so well in life, Doctor?"
And she just looks up and she goes
I said, "Sorry."
She said, "What is the problem?"
"I'm not getting my period."
She said, "Go get a sonogram."
I said, "Okay."
I don't know what a sonogram is.
I'm like, "Who's sonogram?"
So here's the thing. If you
don't know sonogram, I also didn't know.
I'm doing this taping
just to tell you that.
Okay?
Okay, guys?
Can you hear me?
So, sonogram--
First, let me tell you what is a uterus
This is a uterus.
[laughter]
[cheering]
This is one ovary, fallopian tube.
This one's a fallopian tube.
Ovary, ovary.
This is what boys can't find.
[audience laughing and cheering]
Cool? Everybody got the diagram?
A sonogram is putting gel
in one of these places, all right?
After you put gel in one of the ovaries,
one of the fallopian tubes,
the sonogram goes [vocalizing]
Next time you're like, "What's an ovary?"
Damn. "What's a sonogram?"
Just think of this and [vocalizing]
It's a dance step. It's
[vocalizing]
Okay?
I went upstairs with all my reports.
I could've been better.
I should've learned my lesson.
Never.
People pleasers can't stop.
Can't stop. Won't stop. [chuckles]
I went in with renewed extrovertism.
I'm like, "Doctor,
here's my blood report.
"Who called it a blood report
and not a progress report?
"As kids, we got report cards.
And now, we get blood reports.
"It's the same thing.
Right, doctor?" [laughs]
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."
"And how he did that sonogram--
He is so intelligent to do a sonogram.
"And he did blood work too.
"And you know
"you guys are warriors to be doing
blood work at this point."
It just kept coming.
I couldn't shut up. I
[mumbling]
Again, she looked up like, "Babe?"
I was like, "Okay, sorry."
She looked at my report and said,
"What is the problem?"
I said, "I'm not getting my period."
She said, "How will you get it?"
I was like, "Huh?"
She was like, "How will you get it?"
I was like, "You tell."
"You studied. You tell.
"I didn't study, so I came here."
She said, "How will you get your period?
There's no space for it to come out."
I was like, "What?"
"I didn't know my period
was on two-wheeler
"that needs to navigate
"between four wheeler in traffic jam."
I was like, "No"
She was like,
"How will it? You're so fat!
"How is that period supposed to come out?"
That's the thing.
See, once they start fat-shaming,
they can't stop.
Can't stop, won't stop.
Okay? I said, "Doctor,
I'm trying to lose weight."
"How are you trying to lose weight?
"Trying to lose weight
in the ice cream parlor?"
I was like, "No I'm going to the gym."
She said, "Where's gym?
Next to the ice cream parlor?"
"Do you want ice cream?"
"Babe, I'll get you ice cream."
The thing is, when someone just attacks
something you're super insecure about
It's not like I can't
come up with comebacks.
I can come up with comebacks, okay?
But when someone attacks
your most vulnerable thing
The thing you hate about
yourself the most.
In a situation when you don't
have brain to comeback,
your only comeback is, "Hmm!"
"Tomorrow I'll text it to you! Wait!
"At this point I can't say anything."
She attacked me for 20 minutes straight.
She roasted the hell out of me.
"So fat! All you girls
just keep eating junk food,
"smoking, doing alcohol, doing drugs."
I was like, "No. My mother said
I'd be a prostitute. I didn't do"
Then she's like, "All you girls are lazy!
You don't do anything."
She kept on attacking me.
I thought to myself,
"Okay, Sumukhi, just don't cry.
"Just don't cry in front of her.
Don't give her that power, okay?
"Don't. Power is with you, so don't cry."
I was like, "I'll go home tonight
and cry at 10:30 p.m."
Because after a point,
you can't just cry whenever you want.
You cry when you are allowed
to have a puffy face the next day.
I let her fat-shame me for 20 minutes,
then walked out.
I thought, "Sumukhi, just walk out.
It's okay."
"You go home, and you cry."
I walked out. I got into the auto.
I sat there. I was very sad.
Mumbai auto-rickshaws, anyway, don't care.
You sit inside, they sit, they put
their leg up, and they're like
[singing in Hindi]
[in English] Anything can be happening,
and they don't care.
I was quietly going back home.
Who called me?
-[man] Mom.
-Mom!
Of course, she called me because
she understood something was wrong.
Here's the thing. When she called,
you're like, "Don't answer. Cut the call."
Impossible.
The way girls work with their moms
is that when they are calling,
and when you're upset,
you want to take that call
so that she knows you're upset
but you don't want her to ask
why are you upset.
But if she doesn't ask why you're upset,
we are upset.
You've heard me talk the whole
time, right? My whole tone is
[blabbering]
That's me, right?
Very nice and cheerful and everything.
My mother's called me,
I've taken the call,
and gone "Yeah, Maa?"
I've gone Usha Uthup.
[imitates Usha Uthup's singing]
[laughter]
And of course my mother asks,
"What happened?"
I say, "Nothing happened."
She said, "Something has happened."
"No, nothing happened."
She said, "I feel it."
I said, "How? You don't live with me."
She said, "I feel it.
I don't need to live with you."
[in Tamil] "I carried you
for nine months!"
[laughter, cheering]
[in English] "For nine months, I kept you
in my uterus. You think I don't know?"
I heard the word "uterus,"
and I got so triggered!
I was so triggered. I said,
[in Tamil] "It's because of you."
[in English] "All because of you."
"Because of you, I'm fat right now!
All of this is a problem.
"If you'd just put me in sports as a kid,
"I wouldn't have gained all this weight."
She said, "I did.
I put you in basketball."
"I'm 5'2". I am the basketball!"
[laughter]
[whooping]
She said, "Why? What happened?
Who said something?"
"That gynecologist, is yelling at me
because I'm not getting my period."
She said, "You are fat.
That's why not getting period."
She said, "Not getting period?
"Are you pregnant?"
And she's gone
[in Tamil] "Can you hear me?
[in English] "Sumukhi is pregnant!
Can you hear me?"
[in Hindi] "Can you hear me?"
[in English] I said,
"Not pregnant."
She said, "You should've been,
by this age.
"Not even pregnant. Not even married."
By the end of this call,
my crying has gone to that pitch.
You know, you cry a little [sobs]
then you go and then you go
[sobbing breathlessly]
So when I was getting out
of the auto-rickshaw, I was like
[in Tamil] "I'll call you later."
[in English] The auto guy stunned.
He was like, "What the hell?
"What is this Sun TV playing
in the background?"
[whooping]
So when I got out, looked at him,
[sobbing] "How much? How much is it?"
He said
[in Hindi] "Ma'am, did something happen?"
[in English] And now
I have to tell him what happened.
And the worst part is, guys,
I can tell what happened to me
in one line.
He asked, "Ma'am, what happened?"
And I was like,
[breathlessly]
"The doctor called me fat."
[laughter]
He was like, "What?"
[in Hindi] "Ma'am,
even I called you fat when you got in."
I was like, "Well never mind.
Do you have change for a 500?"
He said, "No, ma'am, I don't."
I said, "No change? I only have a 500."
He said, "That's okay, keep it.
You can use it to buy some food."
[in English] And he just fked off!
Don't laugh! Look at him [laughs]
I'll slap you!
After that, I was like, "You know what?
"I'm never gonna meet a gynecologist,
I'm never gonna meet a man.
"Okay? I don't care. My career is great.
"I'm happy. Screw this."
I don't-- Yes.
[cheering and applauding]
You know, all my life, all I wanted was
to have one nice private jet.
One private jet, and hot cash in my mouth.
'Cause they keep saying hot cash,
I want to microwave it
and put it in my mouth.
I want my cash to be in my mouth
in my private jet,
and I want to be like,
"Yeah, that's right."
This is my dream. I want a great time.
So I was like, "Okay, no problem.
"This is my dream. I'll work.
I'll be happy. This is cool.
"I don't need gynecology.
I don't need boys. Let it be."
Then my friend called me.
A friend of mine from Delhi.
Worst. Worst.
She called. You know how they are.
She was like
[in Hindi] "Where are you?"
I said, "Home."
Where else would I be during COVID?
"I'm at home." She said,
"Did you see the gynecologist?"
[in English] I said, "Yes.
And I won't see another gynecologist."
[in Hindi] She goes, "Are you crazy, Su?
Are you crazy?
"Are you crazy?"
Move on, bro!
[in English] Delhi girls say
the same thing three times.
[in Hindi] "Are you crazy?
Don't you get it?
"Don't you get it? Don't you get it?"
She said,
"Go see another gynecologist. Just go.
"Go right now. Go, go."
[in English] I was like, "My God."
I was so stressed, but I was like,
"Okay, I'll go."
[in Hindi] And she's like,
"This time, write jokes and go."
[in English] "When she calls you fat,
you can be like
[in Hindi] 'You stare at vaginas.'"
[in English] But why is that a joke?
I don't understand.
But I can be easily bullied.
So I was like, "Yeah, okay, I'll go."
So I went to another gynecologist.
Guys, this new gynecologist,
is the best woman I've met in my life.
She has changed my life.
If you guys want,
it's Dr. Aparna Hegde, okay?
She's in Santacruz.
I'll give you details, don't worry.
She's amazing. She's single-handedly
changed my-- Changed the way
I look at myself,
changed the way my body-- All of it.
And she's also just a ray of sunshine.
She's sunshine. She's the sun.
She's amazing.
I'll do-- Okay, wait.
I'll do a nice impression of her.
Uh
I'll ask one boy or what?
There's a gang of boys.
Band of boys have come. Hi.
Give it up for the band of boys.
Give it up for them.
So you, the one with the shirt.
-Yeah. Okay. Hi. What's your name?
-Rahul.
Rahul. Rahul is a cheater. Sorry.
[laughter]
So Rahul, you're Sumukhi,
and I'm the doctor.
I'll say three, two, one, and
you just have to say, "Hi, doctor."
Okay? All right?
Give it up for Rahul is a cheater.
Three, two, one, go.
[Rahul] Hi, doctor.
Hi, Sumukhi. Come inside, come inside.
Come inside, come inside.
Why are you standing there?
Come inside.
Stand over here. Come inside, come inside.
Have you snorted salt or something?
I was like, "Hi, doctor.
I'm not getting my period."
"Not getting your period?
"Good riddance!"
[audience cheering, applauding]
"Oh, no, doctor, I'm scared.
What if it's cancer?"
"How can it be cancer?
"Your sun sign is Libra."
I was like, "What?"
I was like, "No, doctor, I'm scared.
How am I gonna lose weight?"
"You'll lose weight. Don't worry.
"First, you tell me who died
in Pushpavalli Season 2. Tell me."
[cheering and applauding]
She figured it out and said,
"Sumukhi, it's nothing.
"You just have to get
a hormone test done.
"Your hormone imbalance looks massive.
You have to get those tests done."
I said, "Okay, cool, I'll get it done."
Got my hormone test done.
All right? The hormones that I tested--
Four were the main hormones.
I'm not gonna make you go
through the whole thing, all right?
And don't worry, this is fun. It's like
science fiction with some drama.
That's what it is.
So the four main hormones
that were tested for me
First was FSH,
follicle-stimulating hormone.
Okay? She's like the warden of your body.
She calls your parents
and calls you a st.
Second is Luteinizing hormone, LH.
She's the assistant warden.
Okay? She calls the warden and says,
"She's a little st."
The third is Prolactin,
the lactating hormone.
I don't know why.
When she said,
"We need to check your Prolactin,"
I was like, "I'm a 38B."
She was like, "Shush!"
Sorry.
Okay. And the last one is Testosterone.
We also have it. I didn't know.
I thought only boys--
Actually, I don't know.
Boys, do you even know
if you have hormones?
[laughs]
I feel like boys only have one hormone,
which is ego.
[audience cheering]
And that I test every day.
Okay. So I had to check
these four hormones,
and there were the results I got.
First was Follicle-Stimulating Hormone.
My level was 0.1.
The range starts with one.
Luteinizing hormone,
the assistant warden. 0.3.
The range starts with one.
Prolactin.
The range ends at
See the boys.
Boys are like, "Say, say, say."
"No, just say it.
Don't have ego. Just say it."
"Say it."
Testosterone.
The range ends at 23.
So, according to my hormone report,
I have no female hormones.
FSH and LH. I have no female hormones.
And for all practical purposes,
I am a lactating, egotistical man.
[laughing and cheering]
After that, she said, "Sumukhi,
your AMH is also very low."
I was like, "Who is he now?"
She said, "AMH is how fertile are you."
"Can your eggs deliver?"
"Can you give a baby?"
I was like, "Okay.
She was like, "Your AMH is 0.1."
I said, "Oh, let me guess!
What is the range?"
She said, "The range starts with 1.
Actually, 3 is better."
I'm like, "Oh, 3 is better."
She was like, "So sorry,
because now-- Sorry, but
"your AMH is so low,
"you won't be able to have a baby.
"You're barren. I'm so sorry."
And I said, "Oh. Okay."
She said, "Yeah, I'm sorry.
Because this is a lot."
Guys, it's a gift.
It is. For women, to give birth,
to have the power to do that,
the capacity to do that, to be a mother,
it's truly a gift, and it's
"The fact that you can't have--
I'm so sorry."
She said, "I know
this must be deeply disturbing,
"because deep down, every woman
wants to be a mother and you can't."
And I was like, "No, Doctor."
"Deep down,
every woman wants to be skinny."
"Then she wants to be a mother.
"Then she wants to be skinny again.
"Then a mother again.
"Then she wants to be skinny again."
She said, "No, jokes apart.
"I would like you to
process this information."
"And what about my weight loss?"
She said, "We'll figure it out,
but please process this information.
"This is important."
I said, "Okay, fine."
The good thing is, the weight loss
thing had been figured out.
She really helped me out in terms of--
Like, I was hating on myself too much.
I thought my body can't lose weight,
I'm not doing enough.
I'm just constantly, you know--
I felt like I was lazy.
That's what I felt.
She made me realize,
"Your body is against you."
I'm like, "Oh, wow.
"Join the gang."
Universe, next body.
No problem.
Okay, so what she made me do--
She put me on a nice medication
for like some time.
My workout was changes,
my food was changed.
And at that time, I was 127.
I am 87 now.
[audience cheering]
Yeah!
That's right!
I've dropped a full teenager.
Older men, stay away. I'm so sorry.
Okay, but the thing
that got stuck in my head was that
I have no female hormones.
I have only male hormones.
I got very surprised by it.
So, I was telling my colleague, my friend
Hey listen, "I don't have
any female hormones.
"I have only male hormones.
"So stupid, right?"
I also thought they'll be like,
"Yeah, so stupid."
They were like, "Yeah, makes sense."
I said, "What?"
They're like, "Dude,
it makes complete sense.
"What's feminine about you?"
She said, "You're so masculine."
I said, "Why am I masculine?"
She said, "You're so aggressive.
"You're so ambitious.
"You demand for things.
You get shit done."
I was like, "Okay."
I asked, "What is a woman?"
"A woman is nurturing."
"A woman is soft and kind and nurturing.
"She doesn't attack.
"She retracts.
"And she makes sure you come to her."
She said, "But you are on the offensive."
I said, "Okay, leave her,
maybe she's crazy."
Went and asked someone else,
"You know, I don't have
any female hormones.
"Only male hormones."
She said, "Yeah, makes sense."
Again?
She's like, "It does make
so much sense, Sumukhi.
"You're so comfortable with yourself."
"It's been six years.
You dated anyone?"
I'm like, "No."
She said, "See?
"And you're okay with that."
I was like, "No, I"
"It's not available, actually.
"It's out of stock currently.
"I have put it on my wish list.
"It's just not coming to me yet."
She said, "Yeah,
but you're so comfortable with that.
"You're okay with the fact
that you don't have an companion.
"Okay with the fact
that possibly you won't have one.
"That's a man.
"A man is ready
to take on the world alone!"
I said, but "What about a woman?"
"A woman needs a companion.
"She needs someone
so that she can nurture,
"therefore she can be nurtured."
[exhales] "Okay."
She's like, "She's soft, she's kind."
I said, "Okay cool. Whatever. Fine."
I went to a third person.
I could have stopped myself.
Problem. People pleaser.
Went to third person, I'm like
"Hey! I have no female hormones.
"I have only male hormones.
"Let's go. What do you think?"
She's like, "Bro, congratulations."
I said, "I can't even have a baby."
She said, "You're a man, bro.
"You're a man, bro.
"You can't have babies.
"You're having fun."
"What do you want
right now in life?"
I said, "A private jet."
She's like, "What else?"
I said, "Hot cash in my mouth."
She's like, "That's a man's dream.
"Every US President dream.
"That's what you're living. You're a man."
And the thing is, I got very
It really-- Yeah, it hit me because
Here's the thing, I
I know I haven't been able to date
someone for so long.
Then I suddenly I was like,
"Is that why I'm not someone
who can be loved?
"Because I have no feminine traits.
"I only have masculine traits."
I know. Right now
in hindsight, I can understand.
But at that time,
during COVID, I was all alone.
It hit me, what my friend said.
"Listen. Find someone,
"otherwise you die alone,
"and that's uncool."
And the thing is, it is uncool.
At that point, I was like, "Oh, my God!
"It is the most uncool thing ever."
Because
for a woman
when they tell you
we are gonna die alone,
the first thing that hits you is
no one picked me.
You know, no one chose to love me.
I was mildly unlovable.
And that made me feel so small
as a person.
And the problem is that
it was also COVID time.
We all are alone.
Even married people were alone.
And that really fked with me.
I was like,
"Oh, shit, I'm gonna die alone."
There's nobody who likes me because of
the choices that I made. And I
We're also that generation, right?
We grew up with
our parents' conservativeness,
but we found ourselves somewhere
but then we weren't allowed
to find ourselves somewhere.
Because while growing up,
we were like, "Be ring chasers.
"After that, do whatever you want."
When the signatory goes from me to him,
just take it from there.
Ours authorized signatory
never went to anyone.
Mine didn't go to anyone.
I'm my own authorized signatory,
and I had massive self-doubt.
I was like,
"Oh, shit, I'm gonna die alone."
Because I wasn't enough.
It made me feel very small,
and that really fked with my head.
And when I was at home also, you know,
since I was alone, I'm like, "That's it.
"This is what it is.
"This is how life is going to be.
"You're going to be alone.
"And if there's a lizard in your house
"then you can't chase it.
"It will live with you."
You know, I was like, "If I had a husband,
"he would have chased it away."
Or like, a light flickers,
I'm like, "Oh, I can't change it
"because I'm 5 feet fk all."
If I had a husband,
he would have changed it.
Not thinking that maybe
he's scared of lizard.
Or maybe he's also 5 feet fk all.
It really messed with my head. And I
Here's the thing.
I think this is how it's going to be.
Like, I'm not--
It's not a self-pity thing,
or a self-worth thing.
It's just that I can see
that as a reality
because of the choices I've made.
That I'm going to end up being alone
for the rest of my life.
Now here's the thing.
I wanted to be cool.
And unfortunately,
if I needed to be cool,
I can't do it alone.
I need you guys to make it cool.
[cheering]
I need you guys to maybe tell the world.
If you have nephews, nieces,
daughters, sons, or whoever,
please go tell them
it's okay to be alone.
If they grow up,
they get married, great.
If they don't want to, great.
They wanna end up alone? Great.
They don't wanna do anything in life?
Slap them.
[laughter]
We are still Indians.
Can't be useless and all.
Because I really don't want this
to be the reason why I find someone.
Because I don't think it's fair to him.
If I find someone just because
I don't wanna end up alone,
isn't that wrong on my behalf for him?
Wouldn't he want a partner
who is an equal,
and who is in love
rather than just scared
they're going to die alone?
And the thing is,
loneliness is different.
Everybody gets lonely.
Married people, you should know.
[laughter]
So lonely.
But being alone? That's tough.
Because there's no one
to share your loneliness with.
But if I have to share that with myself--
Because I've invested in myself the most.
If I need it to happen,
you all need to make it cool.
Because if you can make it cool
then I can die peacefully alone
in my private jet.
[audience cheering]
With hot cash in my mouth.
As a lactating egotistical woman
because that's what I choose to be.
That's my time.
You guys have been an amazing audience.
Thank you so, so much.
[audience cheering and applauding]
[upbeat pop song playing]
[cheering continues]
[man] Sumukhi, wait.
I really think you need me.
-Okay.
-I really think you need me.
Oh, you-- For what?
To open your show, obviously!
-I can put you on the map.
-Oh, my God!
-Think pan-India famous!
-Oh, my God!
You could be the next me!
-What?
-You could be the next me!
-I wanna be the next you!
-Viral!
-So popular--
-Okay, get inside.
-Get inside!
-[screams]
-Get inside. Hold this.
-Sumukhi!
Sumukhi!
Sumukhi!
I think the door's locked!
Sumukhi! Open
[banging on door]
You dumb fking bitch!
I'm gonna fk you up!
Open the door!
[screaming]
[song ends]